June 22, 2011


"Yeah, of course you do. Give it to me!" -- Tom, responding to a dude from the label who revealed that he had the 2011 RSD Superchunk/Coliseum split 7" for him
"I am going to call shenanigans on that." -- Tom, disputing the claim that attractive girls were present at the Amadeus Nerd Party
"Party for one. Right here. Happenin' ... now. And it's pretty good." -- Coco Hames, flying solo in her London flat
"I think he's a savant. Gifted in ways that no one can explain." -- Dave from Knoxville, describing the mysterious mind thing of Fredericks
"... or enjoy." -- Tom, putting a different spin on the peculiar New Port Richey brainspace
"First of all, it's science-fiction. A deer sees white pants coming at him, he's gonna run away. He's gonna see that from 200 yards away. Some dude with white pants and the light reflecting off his goofball sunglasses. Big Buck Hunter. Shameful." -- Tom, pointing out the shortcomings of this hipster shoot-em-up
"In this part of Jersey it would have had Zubaz on instead of a pink diaper, though." -- Ted Leo, explaining the regional attire worn by the dangling van monkeys of Bloomfield
"Wow. Heather Graham, the guys from Jawbreaker, and Spike. It's like a red carpet!" -- Tom, marveling at the NYC celebrity parade
"I'm taking creative writing and English literature with a minor in food services." -- Emma, detailing her path to becoming Canada's finest chalkboard prose stylist
"Welcome back. We knew you'd be back." -- Flight Attendant, welcoming Ted Leo back to the slums of coach
"Laughinstock. Food. Laughingstock. Food." -- Mr. T (via Tom), considering a Brisk Super Bowl commercial offer
"He's like an out-of-shape person that they hooked up to an air hose who just kept inflating. Like, 'I'm gettin' bigger! I'm gettin' bigger!'" -- Tom, revealing Hulk Hogan's workout regimen
"Whaddya think? It's a gold disc, isn't it?" -- Herb Wilkinson, predicting Billboard certification for his "Living Hardcore" single
"It was, and I'll tell you, the soda turned bad, and it really sent those elk sausages barking at the door. They were barkin' loud!" -- Herb Wilkinson, describing the severity of his digestive distress
"Like those Harry Turtledove books where the Nazis win World War II and basically Wall Street is now called Adolf Hitler Avenue." -- Herb Wilkinson, placing American Hardcore: A Tribal History in the historical fiction genre
"They also brought along a lot of these lesser gangs with them who were awful fighters. Gangs like The Painted Willies and Tom Troccoli and his Dogs. Terrible gangs. Real bad. Bad fighters." -- Herb Wilkinson, lamenting The Black Flags' association with subpar forces
"I thought those were guns and spears and canons. Those are drums?!" -- Herb Wilkinson, discovering that American Hardcore does not contain photos of weaponry
"I picked it up, and I flew it over to Leftbridge. And then I hovered above Leftbridge, and I dropped Rightbridge onto Leftbridge. Smashed it. And that's why there's no Rightbridge or Leftbridge now. It's called Middlebridge. Yup." -- Herb Wilkinson, detailing the logistics of the Lady Foot Locker blimp bombing that killed 712 citizens
"Are you bleeping everything I'm saying?! Okay. Well then he shoved me, and then I shoved him into this wall full of                          . And they all turned on and then we both got stung." -- Herb Wilkinson, attempting to provide the obscene particulars of the Del Sparrow's Erogenous Zone device zapping
"Well, it's a satanic march if you ask me." -- Herb Wilkinson, denouncing scum-rockers The Buckingham's hit single, "Kind of a Drag"
"Oh my ... what is this?! OH MY GOD! Noooooo! Nooooooooooo! WHAT IS THIS?! AHHHHHHH, I'm gonna, AHHHHHH! No! No! Nooooooooooo! No! No! Noooo! Noooo! Oh my God. Oh my God (whimpering). It's so much worse than I could have ever imagined." -- Herb Wilkinson, reacting to his first exposure to MDC's "Business on Parade"
"Oh, why don't you shut up. Piece of filth!" -- Herb Wilkinson, refusing Tom's recommendation to visit a licensed medical doctor
"Goodnight, Dumm Oaf." -- Tom, bidding farewell to his new meal ticket
"Who was behind the counter? Andrew Dice Clay's girlfriend?" -- Tom, inquiring about the identity of the circa-1988 Hat Check Girl at the Museum of Natural History

[TBSOWFMU - 4/26/11 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

STP - "25 Miles/Safer"

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The Vivians - "Midnight"

( Click here to acquire the rest of I Fear)

Sloan - "The Answer Was You"

( Click here to buy The Double Cross)

Quintron - "Ring The Alarm"

( Click here to buy Sucre Du Sauvage)

Tyler Jon Tyler - "Faster Than Light"

( Click here to buy Tyler Jon Tyler)

White Mystery - "Pumpkin Crème"

( Click here to buy Blood & Venom)

Milk Music - "Fertile Ground"

( Click here to read the Still Single review of Beyond Living; the slab's already OOP!)

Prisonshake - "I Hear Your Name"

( Click here to acquire more of the Singles '87-'89 box set)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

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April 20, 2011

Panoply of Pledges.

"I am dressed as a janitor tonight because I am here to clean up. I am here to clean up. I am here to get pledges to keep WFMU operable for another year. I am here to clean up. I am here to sweep up the mess ... Okay, I lost the footing on this metaphor already, but I'm telling you right now I am here dressed as a janitor 'cause I am here to clean up, to sweep up your pledges!" -- Tom, explaining the thematic underpinnings of his Week 2 wardrobe
"What's gonna trend tonight? What's really gonna trend tonight? Uh, Gaddafi. Gaddafi. Enough with that. We get it. He's like a bad guy or something, right? Look, I don't follow the news that much. Is he one of the good guys or the bad guys? I can't remember anymore. Bad guy?" -- Tom, trying to make sense of the longtime Libyan leader
"Gingrich/Hodgman 2012!" -- Omar the Scrivener, beating the drum for the ticket that will hopefully bump that current cat out of his litter box
"I know I can always hide out in Toronto when they're comin' after me. If I'm on the run, if I'm accused of a crime I did not commit, I can always run to Toronto and hide. It's lawless up there, though. It's vaguely lawless." -- Tom, going off the grid in the f'd up Canadian capital
"I'm more of a John from Cincinnati guy. When's the next season start on that?" -- Tom, looking to catch another wave of the embattled Home Box Office surf-noir
"You like Showtime better? Yeah. If The Sopranos was on Showtime it would've been a half hour long, and it would have been like ... Jeff Goldblum would've been playing Tony Soprano." -- Tom, responding to Hatch touting the premium cable pleasures of Nurse Jackie
"I just wanna say, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KON!" -- AP Mike, lighting asses up to get some fast bucks
"You smell like nachos, Mike." -- Hatch, catching the olfactory aftermath of a 'shroom/salsa/cheese binge
"Look, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I am not a fan of the Zodiac Killer in any way, shape, or form. BUT. Butbutbut. If you are out there, Zodiac Killer, 800-989-9368. I can only picture what the Zodiac Killer would look like walking around. This is my plan. This whole thing's set up just to catch the Zodiac Killer. I'm gonna see him in the [marathon premium] t-shirt walkin' down the street with his Zodiac watch on. If I see that shirt plus a Zodiac watch plus he's 100 years old at this point equals you're the Zodiac Killer, and I'm bringing you down. And again, it might happen tonight, there's a lot of people in the building. I've issued this challenge months ago. If the Zodiac Killer is out there, you come up here, I will fight you. And if you win the fight, I will cop to being the Zodiac Killer. I will cop to it. They will haul me off in handcuffs that night. I will be in jail for the rest of my life as the Zodiac Killer, but I'm tellin' you, if I win the fight, you're going down. You're going down, ZK." -- Tom, offering a plea deal to the elusive serial murderer
"ZK! I like that. Maybe I will pledge." -- The Zodiac Killer, digging the whole brevity thing (this is a reference to the feature film The Big Lebowski!)
"Now Brandon from Fargo, that was not a pledge from ... nevermind, let's just keep going. I can't make a Fargo joke now. My deal, Wade! My deal!" -- Tom, Lundegaardening at night anyway
"I could picture Mike at 4 in the morning talking to the horn. 'What's that, Horny? What's that? No, Horny, I can't! No. No, Horny! No, Horny, don't! No. She's a nice lady, Horny! She's a nice lady, Horny! Don't ... yes, Horny. Okay, Horny. You're in charge!" -- Tom, delivering some disturbing dialogue
"What about retro-grunge? You like do a jaunty, ironic version of grunge." -- Tom, suggesting Ted Leo's next musical phase
"I hate how talented you are! WHY AM I SO TALENTLESS? WHY?! WHY DO I HAVE NO TALENT?! Except for just a whine. That's like my only talent. Just like whining What's that?" -- Tom, lamenting his limited skill set after Ted Leo's performance
"These guys, you know what these guys do? They keep goin', and they keep goin' and goin'. They don't quit! They're not like that Jeff Magnum guy, does two albums. Ehhhhhhew, it's hard making music!" -- Tom, giving props to his prolific musical guests
"It's beautiful here, isn't it? You look out the windows here, and you're like ... the natural beauty is astounding." -- Carl Newman, reveling in his Garden State of Mind
"I have Get Shorty-style powers! I can learn Ted Leo songs in a matter of minutes." -- Carl Newman, channeling John Travolta for his "Bottled in Cork" cover
"He kinda sounds a little bit like John McCain. A drunk Mike sounds like John McCain." -- Tom, hearing some Senator Pizza in his Associate Producer's tipsy tones
"You know what the Rollaboard® is full of? Passports, and, weirdly, jars of marmalade in black socks." -- John Hodgman, revealing the contents of AP Mike's mobile luggage
"Good movie, good pledger." -- Tom, thanking "Ghost Dad" from Montreal
"How come #TomThon is not trending, but #lube is trending in New York. Lube! I don't even know what anybody's writing about lube." -- Tom, pondering the peculiar online zeitgeist
"Could John Hodgman read a segment of his book, I Know Everything?" -- Philly Boy Roy, requesting his Last Roights while trapped in the trunk
"Still many tulips there. Many tulips there." -- Ted Leo, reporting on the flower scene in Holland, Michigan, not Holland the country
"Remember that time I was on your show?" -- Kurt Vile, pulling a Christopher Farley
"I am going to throw you off the roof. You have 10 seconds to get out of the building because I'm going to throw you off the roof." -- Tom, threatening AP Mike for getting a bit too "Horny" and "Squeaky" during The Final Push
"I just wanna say, Tom, to paraphrase Arthur Bremer, I'm so excited I can hardly walk!" -- AP Mike, exuding erect excitement 16 ounces at a time
"I would do it if I never had to see him or be on stage with him." -- John Hodgman, accepting a co-starring role with AP Mike in a new production of The Sunshine Boys
"Did he say if he was really high?" -- Carl Newman, wondering if the White Whale winner's $4,500 pledge was crippler-aided


[TBSOWFMU - 3/8/11 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Janitor Joe - "What's Going On?" (Hüsker Düde cover)

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Cheveu - "Charlie Sheen"

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Eleventh Dream Day - "Divining For Water"

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Smoosh - "Promises"

( Click here to buy Withershins)

Rival Schools - "Eyes Wide Open"

( Click here to buy Pedals)

Enuff Z'Nuff - "These Daze"

( Click here to buy Animals With Human Intelligence)

Mars Classroom - "Wish You Were Young"

( Click here to buy The New Theory of Everything)

The D.O.C. - "The Grand Finale"

( Click here to buy No One Can Do It Better)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun and pledge:

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March 16, 2011

Help Me Make My Nut Tonight.

"He's making calls! He's tying one of the phones up! Unbelievable. Come on, Mike." -- Tom, denouncing the telephonic trickery of his Associate Producer
"'Cause that's what it is. It kind of supports the thing. It's like you keep it going, and then you're entertained by it, we do what we do because you're entertained by it, and then the pledge money ... something like that." -- Tom, explaining the Ouroborosness of the WFMU model
"Something tells me we're gonna have a hard time collecting on that pledge from 'Deuce'. Prove me wrong, Deuce! Make me eat my words, Deuce!" -- Tom, challenging the hard working Hyde Park, NY man to Do It
"Apparently we've run out of names on Twitter. Where now some dude actually has to choose the name 'Sheeplovr.' Fair enough. I guess that had to happen at some point." -- Tom, accepting the overpopulated Twitter terrain
"You can watch me leaning on this chair talking like I'm modeling slacks in the Sears® catalog." -- Tom, promoting the live video stream, shortly before declaring, "Chair Time Is Ova!" (the skewed posture actually altered his thought patterns)
"This better be worth it." -- Carl Newman, growing tired of the dramatic buildup to the White Whale prize reveal
"Should we talk about things you can relate to? Battlestar Galactica and ... what else? Bras? Well, you're a lady. Bras. Shoes. Sex and the City. Cupcakes." -- Tom, a 100% Carrie per Jen Kirkman, brainstorming Therese-friendly topics after she got lost in the McAdoo/Pippen funhouse
"We are not seven 50 years ago." -- Tom, issuing a cease and desist order on Therese's use of the old-timey "No backsies" slogan
"We say it Zum-pono down here. Yeah, that's how we roll down here." -- Tom, sticking it to Canadian songsmith Carl Newman
"Yeah, but they're great, though. They're trying really hard out there." -- Carl Newman, praising The Black Eyed Peas's high school talent show bounce-arounds
"What is it like to be able to actually sing and have it sound good? What is that like?" -- Tom, wondering how Carl Newman deals with his vocal talent
"Yes, and a good night to you, too, Ma'am ... and Sir." -- Gene Simmons, finishing up his fourth session of the day
"Because I do. I'm Gene Simmons of KISS, why?" -- Gene Simmons, justifying his decision to carry more than $42,000 in his wallet
"She seemed to like it. Yes, she was screaming." -- Gene Simmons, putting a positive spin on Aimme Mann's response to his groping
"You'll love it. All the doctors, nurses, and the condystripers, they dress up in KISS makeup." -- Gene, touting some of the pleasures of the KISS-isted living staff at KISS Acres
"Uh, more like Paul's Dynasty-era cape. It's pink." -- Gene Simmons, describing the attire of the mouse that scurried past him
"You'll also both have to have extensive chest hair implant surgery and facial reconstruction." -- Gene Simmons, informing Ted and Carl about the prerequisites to becoming the new Paul and Gene
"I don't know what it is. Look at you, you're like if Mr. Clean was a fat blob made of wet, fetid fudge." -- Gene Simmons, disqualifying Tom as his possible replacement
"Hey, I certainly am. Ask any of those 8,000 women I've boinked." -- Gene Simmons, offering Tom a bevy of witnesses in waiting to confirm that he's a handsome gem
"Oh ... fudge." -- Gene Simmons, realizing that something has gone horribly wrong with his Emerald Nightmare herbal tincture experiment
"Next person who calls can talk to Colleen about how much she hates Southern people. 800-989-9368. Talk about rubes from down South, right?" -- Tom, teasing the volunteer who recently abandoned Baton Rouge
"It keeps me off the streets, it keeps me out of therapy, it keeps me off of meds." -- Associate Producer Mike, observing and reporting on what The Best Show on WFMU means to him: a warm room on cold Tuesday nights


[TBSOWFMU - 3/1/11 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Stan Bush & Barrage - "Crank That Radio"

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OFF! - "Panic Attack"

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Robert Pollard with Doug Gillard - "Frequent Weaver Who Burns"

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Lifeguards - "Keep It In Orbit"

( Click here to buy Waving at the Astronauts)

Beauty Constant - "Ed's Anthem"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Like The Enemy)

Three Hits - "Numbers"

( Click here to snag the A-side of the single)

Danielson - "This Day Is A Loaf"

( Click here to buy Best of Gloucester County)

Lemuria - "Pleaser"

( Click here to buy Pebble)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun and pledge:

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January 7, 2011

Under My Umbrelly.

"No help topics found?! You heap of garbage. You can't help me with that?" -- Tom, criticizing his unresponsive Macintosh computore
"Without his tireless efforts, this show would not exist. Well, actually, it would exist, but it would really stink." -- Tom, praising the production work of David in D.C.
"Yeah, the guy dances around and smokes cigarettes. Puts that, uh, clown makeup on in the mirror. Gets heart surgery." -- Tom, figuring out Fosse
"What are you talking about ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" -- Neil Mahoney, trying to figure out his wife's chat with Spike
"Wrapped in an enigma. Coated in a riddle. Drizzled with question mark sauce." -- Tom, summarizing Spike's deep-fried mystique
"Spike. Jen Kirkman. This has been as enlightening as anything that has ever happened in my life ever. Or maybe has ever happened on Earth." -- Tom, putting the Meeting of the Minds segment in its proper historical context
"I'm not bloody delusional." -- Spike, accepting his award anyway
"Ah, you know, I have had Internet troubles. I could've, um, stepped it up, and I could've won it, you know? God, I'm so sad." -- Julie, lamenting her inability to deliver enough sad calls over the past 18 months
"Yeah, I would like to thank my Dad, um, because he's awesome, and, you know, and, of course, he's my Dad." -- Co-Rookie of the Year Milo, breaking Tom's heart
"He was a blob of clay. But now he is a fine ... he's a Greek sculpture. An Adonis. David. You are like David. The statue of David. David Koresh. It's a different statue. Not the, uh ... it's a weird statue of David Koresh I saw." -- Tom, chiseling AP Mike into the next great cult leader
"Guys, nothing has given me more pleasure in the last year than watching the Mike and Therese relationship blossom. I will also say: this has been the worst year of my life." -- Tom, finding a rainbow at the end of the darkness
"Maybe somebody can help Kevin up. Can somebody help Kevin up to the stage? Please. There is a ramp on the side. I don't know if he's in his Jazzy. He can head on up." -- Tom, beckoning the two-seat director to the winner's circle
"The necessity to make fun of him disgusted me." -- Paul F. Tompkins, abandoning his mockery of Jay Leno
"From the moment you play the opening strains of that Sam Kinison song, I get all pumped up, and I am ready to DO IT." -- PFT, rocking out to the Mark Twain of wife beaters
"Only on Awards Shows. I pick my spots." -- Omar the Scrivener, explaining his strategy for calling the program

[TBSOWFMU - 5/25/10 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Rollins Band - "Hot Animal Machine 1" (live)

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White Mystery - "Switch It Off"

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The Method Actors - "Do The Method"

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Love Is All - "Bigger Bolder"

( Click here to buy Two Thousand and Ten Injuries)

Magnapop - "Q-Tip"

( Click here to buy Chase Park)

Bettie Serveert - "Souls Travel"

( Click here to buy Pharmacy of Love)

The Rondelles - "Shanghai Surprise"

( Click here to buy Fiction Romance, Fast Machines)

Overnight Lows - "Shut Up Looking At Me"

( Click here to buy City of Rotten Eyes)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Under My Umbrelly." »

May 24, 2010

The Night They Drove Old Dick C. Down.

The following recap is for the 6/24/08 installment of The Best Show on WFMU. It documents game-changing developments in the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election, and assorted non-political delights.

"Imus level. We're going to ImusLand tonight. Get ready. We are not going to ImusLand." -- Tom, deciding against a stop at The Mushmouth Ranch
"Good night, unfunnyman." -- Tom, eulogizing the stand-up comedian George Carlin
"Go buy some gum and chew it and then throw it in the park and let the bums, like, find it and try to sell it." -- Craig, the boy who used to live in Cobble Hill, dishing out some bizarro street wisdom
"It's time to start spraying Brooklyn with some weird antidepressant. Calm those people down." -- Tom, proposing a potential palliative for the preposterous palaver
"You can grow little stones on your tonsils. Maybe you really are growing a peach pit, though. Have you, like, gone to this face doctor?" -- Julie from Cincinnati, speculating on Tom's condition
"No, it's good stuff! You should try it. It'll probably get rid of that stuff on your ... polyps." -- Bryce, prescribing DustOff® to clean Tom's throat
"No, man, that song's about the night that Levon Helmet was driving Dick Cavett down from Woodstock to Manhattan." -- Bryce, explaining the plot of The Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dick C. Down"
"I am officially takin' my Dr. Seuss hat that I threw in the ring for the May ... Mayu ... uh ... Let me say it! The ... um ... the ... the Maaay ... the Mayuuuuuuuuuuuu ... Mayubana ... Let me say it! The Mayuuuuuuuuuuuubinatorito .. natorial race, and I'm puttin' it back in my baggy pocket." -- Bryce, leaving the campaign trail for unspecified reasons
"Yes, that's my quadrant right there: lowbrow and brilliant. The slobs! Lunchpail crowd." -- Tom, reserving his spot on New York magazine's Approval Matrix
"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm okay and not dead." -- MC Steinberg, reemerging from his happy but unproductive hiatus
"No, I just really want to hear that sax solo." -- Rachel from Kansas City, jonesing for "Jungleland"
"I'm betting that Tad Doyle wouldn't make it if the Seattle Philharmonic was auditioning." -- Tom, questioning the classical training of the grunge God
"Tank, can you rub my tum-tum? Yeah ... no, a little lower. WHAT?! SHUT UP!" -- Horse, guiding his spotter to his pain area
"He posts like it's 20 cents to use a period when he writes. Those are free. Any of those keys are there for you. They all cost the same: zero." -- Tom, reminding a Trembling Eagle about the affordability of punctuation
"Oh, thank goodness. [Crying]. Fix the show. [More crying]. How's school?" -- Tom, welcoming his savior, Bonnie from GA
"As long as he hacks and slices and dices those little brats ... maybe." -- Spike, considering an appearance at the Mike & Spike's Doo-Wop Horror Camp with Special Guest Freddy Krueger
"Oh, upwards to 4,731, but who's counting?" -- Gene Simmons, counting the number of lovers he's taken over the years
"Well, it's black and purple and shiny." -- Gene Simmons, justifying the $492 price tag for his She's So European®, luxury clothesline
"I tell everybody I'm in a rock band. I'm kinda not in a rock band!" -- Norm from Montague, lying to friends and family about his hobby
"Some guy sittin' on one of the horses was tryin' to sell us crack. I kid you not. The worst part: my nephew bought some! My nephew was the one selling it. Well, he was selling cocaine. He was actually mad at the guy selling crack." -- Tom, recounting his harrowing spin on the Coney Island Carousell
"It was the spirit of competition, you creep!" -- Tor Halversom, justifying his son's spiked assault on the opposing team's weakling catcher
"You see him from like the shoulders down, but all of his little friends know it's him, you know. Because he wears his tube socks really high and there's these chocolate stains on his shirt, and the other kids are saying that they're not chocolate stains. Kids can be so cruel. I hate it." -- Tor Halversom, describing the telltale clues in the Time magazine cover photo
"They say that if he keeps eating the way he does, he's gonna need a pastemaker by the time he's 30. It's so sad." -- Tor Halversom, lamenting Little Mike's dietary demons
"I want you to apologize to me. You hurt my feelings, you stupid dumb ape." -- Little Mike Halversom, firing back at Tom for his faulty umpiring
"You sound like a little Zachary Brimstead. Like a little baby Zachary Brimstead." -- Tom, comparing Little Mike's voice to another Newbridge chin-roller
"That kid had it coming to him. He was like Hitler. I can't help it if I was in the zone." -- Little Mike Halversom, revealing the motivation for his air raid
"There's nothing going on. I mean, it's not like it's our fault that the polling stations got flooded ... with chocolate." -- Tor Halversom, denying that the Halversom Chocolate Company was involved in the election postponement
"I'm gonna do the show from a girder, 81 stories above Jersey City in the middle of the night." -- Tom, pushing all in for Hardhat Radio

[TBSOWFMU - 6/24/08 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Starz - "Subway Terror"

( Click here to buy the Violation)

The Brats - "OY-905"

( Click here to acquire the 1980 LP)

Gumball - "Accelator"

( Click here to buy Super Tasty)

Brainiac - "I, Fuzzbot"

( Click here to buy Smack Bunny Baby)

Phantom Tollbooth - "Crash Move"

( Click here to buy One-Way Conversation)

I Love You - "Hang Straight Up"

( Click here to buy I Love You)

Eleventh Dream Day - "Love to Hate to Love" (live)

( Click here to acquire Borscht)

Anthrax - "Celebrated Summer" (Husker Dude cover)

( Click here to buy Stomp 442 [Expanded Edition])

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Night They Drove Old Dick C. Down." »

April 22, 2010

Top Chef.

"I'm gonna smash this AIR CONDITIONING! What am I, seeing Transformers? It's July. I'm seeing a summer movie with that blowin' in my face?" -- Tom, venting his rage about the blockbuster blast in the studio
"The unpledgers are sinners in the hand of an angry God. Which is the way God should be. Angry all the time. Right? Isn't that what we want from God? Mad at us?" -- Tom, contemplating the prickly persona of the other Lord of Living Lightning
"I thought he was the dog. Was there a dog in Coraline? I don't know." -- Tom, trying to recall voice actore John Hodgman's role in the animated feature
"You won't have to shop for a coffin if you win that one." -- Therese, highlighting a time-saving perk of The Misfits box set Grand Prize
"You're a vision, Tom Scharpling." -- Therese, reveling in the resplendent host's chef hat, coat, and stripe-ed pants ensemble
"If I ever murder anybody, I could go on the run. There's one person in every town. I'll be okay. I'll be hiding in your cellar. One person in every town. It'll be like The Fugitive ... on steroids!" -- Tom, finding safe harbor in The Best Show's worldwide support network
"Look, I know I goof on Mike. I call him all these names: Degenerate. Lowlife. Creep. Sex offender. I call him these things. Alle ... eh. [sotto voce] I think there's been a conviction in there. No, he's not been convicted of anything. He's beat the rap every time. Every time he beats the rap! He's like the Teflon Don." -- Tom, comparing the slipperiness of his noble figurehead (wait, what's "noble" mean again?) to organized crime boss John Gotti
"I got a guy who does the most amazing Hinton Als. It's so much fun." -- John Hodgman, touting the voicework of a cast member from his in-house The New Yorker readings
"This is pretty esoteric. Yeah, pretty esoteric. Not esoteric enough. Let's talk about The Atlantic." -- John Hodgman, taking the discussion farther down the newsstand shelf
"I'm an old man, but I'm strong! I'm wearin' a shirt that's one size too small for me!" -- Sid Caesar (via Tom), flaunting his hott bod on the set of Grease
"I do dips on chez when I'm in hotels travelin'. I can do two! Show me someone else at 71 that can do two dips. Amazed I haven't separated my shoulduhs. I'm gonna outlive all of 'em." -- Sid Caesar (via Patton), enlisting in the Jock Squad, Seniors Division
"We're not putting this James Taylor thing back on until these phones get ringing!" -- Tom, tiptoeing across the sacred ground of deadly serious PBS pledge driving
"Yeah, it's the new Rudy. It looks like I'm someone's lovable shut-in uncle." -- Patton Oswalt, explaining the inspiration for his Big Fan DVD cover art
"She is a balm for these troubled times." -- Therese, taking solace in Bonnie from GA's generous pledge
"Except for the wrestling part, you have appropriated everything from my life." -- AP Mike, suing the producers of The Wrestler for borrowing his Bayonne bildungsroman
"Morf! Morf! Morf!" -- Tom, incorrectly identifying the Borg name of Jean-Luc Picard
"I'd like to ask a Dr. Who question." -- Tom, entering the "Clash of the Titans" Sci-Fi showdown
"That's what a hitchhiker hears before she gets chloroformed when she gets into our car. That's her signal." -- Patton Oswalt, revealing a dark secret
"This movie stinks, Grandpa!" -- Robert Preston's grandson, issuing his instant reaction to a screening of The Last Starfighter
"Way down below the ocean, where I wanna be. She may be." -- Donovan, hailing Atlantis

[TBSOWFMU - 3/9/10 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]


Dokken - "Back For The Attack"

( Click here to buy the Dream Warriors EP)

Warrant - "Mr. Rainmaker"

( Click here to buy Cherry Pie)

Defenestration - "Moneywagon"

( Click here to acquire Dali Does Windows)

Valley Lodge - "Comin' Around"

( Click here to buy Semester at Sea)

CoCoComa - "Water Into Wine"

( Click here to buy Things Are Not All Right)

Breaking Circus - "Three Cool Cats"

( Click here to lift Smokers' Paradise)

The Amps - "Empty Glasses"

( Click here to buy Pacer)

Doug Gillard - "From What I've Done"

( Click here to buy Call From Restricted from eMusic)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun and pledge:

Continue reading "Top Chef." »

April 14, 2010

Knee Deep in the Hoopla.

"Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead!" -- Tom, eulogizing the eerily silent phones at the start of his supposed Moment of Triumph
"So we got ... uh ... her, him, that dude, her, the other one." -- Tom, vaguely introducing his Phone Room volunteers
"I'm pledging to support Tom's 2010 campaign to reduce chumps to a blanket of ash, bag that ash, bag that bag, bag that bag, bag that bag, and then barge the quad-bagged chump ashes." -- Omar the (occasional) Scrivener, cleaning up Keith Kincaid-style
"We've got some Primary Colors money in the mix now!" -- Tom, celebrating an Anonymous pledge
"I think of it as my ...... my ...... it's my Contra." -- Musical guest Ted Leo, comparing The Brutalist Bricks to the sophomore effort from indie worldbeaters Vampire Weekend
"You're the kind of guy Agnew got mad at. The eggheads." -- Tom, criticizing a young man for a convoluted pledge comment about tax-exempt donations
"Wait 'til I tell this Terre T chick that her show's being sponsored by Skoal." -- Shout! Radio's Ron Jacobs, lining up corporate sponsors for WFMU programs that make the cut
"Wait 'til you get fitted for your leash. He's gonna lead you around the studio. You're gonna hate it. And we're gonna love it." -- Ron Jacobs, previewing the power dynamics in the new Micky and The Monster radio duo

"Come on. You're a grown man. Do a grown man thing." -- AP Mike, begging Fredericks to part with some of his New Port Richey riches

"It's not goofy. It keeps my head warm. You know what else keeps me warm? Weed." -- Bryce Prefontaine, defending the functionality of his eccentric headgear and beloved herb
"I didn't think we had to because I thought this was just a run-through for next year." -- Bryce, explaining his failure to document any of the pertinent pledge particulars when picking up the phones
"I don't really care much for the show, but good luck anyway." -- Yo La Tengo's James McNew, dropping a Mouse+ pledge for the hell of it
"Kevin Durant out for the season with a viscous nose bleed." -- Jacob from Boston, teasing Tom about fontasy basketball (not cool!)
"I will try my best to stop eating fudge on the air, but this fudge is so good." -- Tom, indulging his craving for the Fudge Tub's finest
"In another era you would have been on The Uncle Floyd Show." -- Tom, putting AP Mike and Horny, his Mouse Pledge noisemaking necklace, in historical perspective
"Hey Bryce, did you say that you had some lip balm I could borrow? Cool." -- Ted Leo, relaxing after a night of top-notch acoustic rocking

[TBSOWFMU - 3/2/10 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]


Strong Arm Steady (ft. Sick Jacken & Mitchy Slick) - "Pressure"

( Click here to buy In Search of Stoney Jackson)

Funeral Oration - "Motherlode"

( Click here to grab the 1983-1985 motherlode)

Quasi - "Little White Horse"

( Click here to buy American Gong)

Eddy Current Suppression Ring - "I've Got A Feeling"

( Click here to buy Rush To Relax)

Robert Pollard - "Post-Hydrate Update"

( Click here to buy We All Got Out of the Army)

Crusaders of Love - "Can't Get Enough"

( Click here to buy Never Grow Up)

The Strand - "One More Ring"

( Click here to acquire Seconds Waiting)

So Cow - "Exclamation Mark"

( Click here to buy So Cow)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun and pledge:

Continue reading "Knee Deep in the Hoopla." »

March 5, 2010

The Perfect Crime.

The following recap is for the 06/06/06 installment of The Best Show on WFMU. Every installment in the 2006 season is now recapped in some form. Some early efforts need a good fleshing out, but what doesn't, right?


"It's the Devil doing this to me. Why are you doing it, Devil? I've served you well. Why would you turn on me in this moment of need?"--Tom, pleading with his Dark Overlord to cease interfering with his programe
"Why didn't you let us do whatever we want?" - Tom, holding a five-year grudge against a country he calls "Freedom" for their post-9/11 behavior
"You are a child, and you should be spanked like a child." - Tom, doling out punishment to a young member of the rock group Wet Rat
"That is not to be toyed with." - Bryce, stressing the seriousness of 666, the number of the beast
"You don't catch me wearing a noose at Orange Julius."-- Bryce, refusing to wear his father's Grateful Dead ties to his new job
"Let's just say I call it a dose." - Bryce, defining the special "additives" he mixes into unsuspecting customers' drinks
"I think you might want to go to rock school, son." - Tom, counseling an FOT Chatter who claims that Billy Preston was a musician, not a famous DJ
"You listen to me, Ingram. Not afraid to go right at you. I went at Bob Grant. GOMP was on the table. I took it. He tried to take it from me. I gave him the 'ol Reo Diner beatdown. Smashed him around the parking lot." - Tom, warning another radio legend about impending violence
"So it's like a 'Who's Who' or, in some cases, a 'Who's That' of exciting contributors." -- Tom, commenting on The Overrated Book's staff, ranging from A-Listers like Patton Oswalt to Chunkleteers like The Gooch
"I think they've contributed a lot to the rock 'n roll londscape over the years. Fulfilled a lot of fontasies." -- KISS superfan "Jerry," defending the bond's legacy
"Oh, geez. Probably like a 13." -- Jerry, rating Kiss outside the parameters of a 1-10 scale
"Let's just say the next time I see you, I will have an axe bass and it will be impounded into your head." -- Jerry, threatening to murder Henry Owings at an upcoming stop on his book burning tour
"I'm really, really, really sick of hearing about them." -- A caller, lamenting the constant chatter from friends, family, and co-workers about bands like Ugly Kid Joe and Let's Active
"Do you live in a 99-cent bin?" -- Tom, wondering if the caller has taken up residence alongside discounted musical detritus
"I took 42 Nada Surf CDs, and I made a pallette and laid some blanketing over it." -- The caller, confirming his makeshift sleeping quarters
"Yeah, you're right, they should kill eight people on every episode. Be like The Shield." -- Tom, firing back at an ultra-violent FX Droog for criticizing The Sopranos' more delicate approach to dramatic storytelling
"Mozart! Is Mozart overrated? No! Pollard's not overrated neither. How dare you." -- Tom, sticking up for the prolific Dayton, OH, songwriter
"Selfish bastard." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, scolding Tom for not letting him drive his parents car to his Little Steven band audition on 9/17/90
"Well don't most people have a couple of martinis after they get their license? I think so." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, arguing that his post-test arrest was the result of a standard celebration
"I made that Hondo speak, and you know it." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, touting his ability to animate his cheap guitar
"Basically creative differences all around." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, assessing his expulsion from three local bands for an inability to pick, play leads, and find a groove with the rest of the musicians
"Yeah, it sounds like they needed someone who was creative." -- Tom, offering an alternate interpretation
"I really don't look anything like him without all the long hair that I kinda put in my face and when I pucker, so I gotta do that." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, noting the keys to his successful circa-1990 Rich Robinson impersonation
"It's very passionate. It's a very erotic pairing." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, describing the nature of his relationship with a Rindy Ross lookalike
"I'm gonna colorform him. He's gonna pass out." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, revealing his plans for subduing a kidnapped Robinson
"I mean, it's not gonna be like gruel or anything. It's gonna be like real ... pretty good stuff, what he's accustomed to. Like, you know, nice poultries and turkeys and stuff, you know, like good quality fish, uh, you know, Holiday sauce. Stuff like that." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, assuring Tom that his island food drops will offer Robinson some good eats
"Oh, I hope I'm attracted to the wife. But even if I'm not, I mean she'll understand that as a rock star I can pretty much do whatever I want and sample whatever goods I want to sample, you know?" -- Keith Schwarzendruber, looking forward to domestic bliss with Mrs. Robinson
"He's got to, we're brothers." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, looking forward to Chris Robinson letting him "sample" his wife, actress Kate Hudson
"I'll just say that when I was down at the Shore I rolled my dune buggy and it screwed up my equilibriderm, so I'm kinda like, you know, kinda freaky." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, plotting his tricky transition into an aloof, full-time member of The Black Crowes
"You're gonna be regretting this when I summon the Sioux warrior spirits on your butt from my guitar." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, threatening Tom for refusing to help him transfer an unconscious Rich Robinson from his car into a speed boat docked at Newbridge Bay

[TBSOWFMU - 6/6/06 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Love Child - "Church of Satan"

( Click here to buy Okay?)

Accept - "Demon's Night"

( Click here to buy Restless and Wild)

Danzig - "Am I Demon"

( Click here to buy Danzig)

Danzig - "Long Way Back From Hell"

( Click here to buy Danzig II: Lucifuge)

Danzig - "Do You Wear The Mark"

( Click here to buy Danzig III: How the Gods Kill)

Repulsion - "Maggots In Your Coffin"

( Click here to buy Horrified)

Trouble - "The Fall of Lucifer"

( Click here to buy Psalm 9)

The Flaming Lips - "Lucifer Rising"

( Click here to buy The Day They Shot a Hole in the Jesus Egg - The Priest Driven Ambulance Album, Demos and Outtakes)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Perfect Crime." »

December 30, 2009

Take 'Em All.

"They got the guns, but we got the numbers." -- James Morrison, touting a strategic advantage

"Come on. Help me! HELP! HELP!" -- Thomas Scharpling, yelling for the arrival of his army

"It's a recession. I'm not gonna name names, but, uh, let's just say there's a new President. Right? No? Played that wrong? Blaming Obama for this? That's not going over so well. No, I'm kidding. That was a joke. Please, that was a joke. I promise you, I voted for Obama." -- Tom, selecting a poor time to insert a fake political rant into the proceedings

"Is it 75 dollars in cash or in bottles that I can redeem 5 cents at a time in Delaware?" -- Tom, questioning AP Mike's payment method

"Looks like you guys are in trouble. What'd you do, spend all that dough on fudge?" -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., speculating on WFMU's candy-filled coffers

"Ohhhh ... it's eros. And you'll be hearing much more of it when you guys ... go down in flames." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., promising an erotic takeover by Kern-O-Tronics

"You will never win. You will lose. You'll never make it. NEVER! NEVER!" -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., casting serious doubts on WFMU's mini-marathon success

"Yeah, all broads*. Let's get all the broads sitting on the phones at 800-989-9368. Okay, thank you there, Rusty Warren." - Tom, taking Terre T to task for her terminology

*later revised by DJTT to the more flattering and respectful "beautiful, feminist, super-intelligent women"

"I've already pledged, but I'm pledging again because Tommy made a Rusty Warren reference. And that's why the station must continue!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, rewarding a successful quip

"I think he's one of the worst dudes who's ever done anything in any form. And I mean I'm not even talking about the arts. I'm talking about like ... like ... I'm comparing him against anybody who's done anything. He's worse than the worst garbage man. Worse than the worst guy who works at Home Depot. He's just bad. But how come I know so much about him?" -- Tom, explaining his complicated relationship with William Martin Joel

"It's an emergency so I'll save my novella for the regular marathon." -- The polarizing Michael K. from The Cynics, sparing listeners another one of his Pitt-y Parties

"Pumpkins on the floor, money in the bank." -- Tom, seconding Chris L's plea for pledges from hoarders

"We're all about the fire here! I'm not about some elevator rock "Moondance." I'm not at the Ice Capades with my parents! I saw Van Morrison's Ice Capades. He was pretty good. He's a pretty good skater. You'd think a guy with that girth would not be so good on skates. He was pretty good." -- Tom, complimenting the former Shout! Network variety show host on his blades of glory

"Let's do it for Poppa! My fans are calling me 'Poppa' now. So let's do it for Poppa!" -- AP Mike, summoning his followers with his new nickname

"Marathon's over. Marathon's over. No more pledges. Don't want 'em." -- Tom, fleeing Poppa's crazies


[TBSOWFMU - 11/17/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

MX-80 Sound - "Man On The Move"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Hard Attack)

Thomas Function - "When I Was A King"

( Click here to acquire the rest of In the Valley of Sickness)

The Mantles - "What We Do Matters"

( Click here to acquire the rest of The Mantles)

Spider Bags - "Hey Delinquents"

( Click here to buy Goodbye Cruel World, Hello Crueler World)

The Ettes - "Blood Red Blood"

( Click here to buy Do You Want Power)

Looker [aka GBV] - "100 Colors"

( Click here to buy Suitcase 3: Up We Go Now)

Explosion Topic [aka GBV] - "Tired Of Knocking"

( Click here to buy Suitcase 3: Up We Go Now)

JEFF the Brotherhood - "Dreamscape"

( Click here to buy Heavy Days)

Part Chimp - "Dirty Sun"

( Click here to buy Thriller)

Thao with The Get Down Stay Down - "Good Bye Good Luck"

( Click here to buy Know Better Learn Faster)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Take 'Em All." »

September 23, 2009

No Exaggerations.

"Sabotage! I don't like it! I don't like this sabotage. I don't like it. I do what I do here!" -- Tom Scharpling, denouncing the diabolical forces that dared to attack his equipment
"You can't talk to me like that. You know why? 'Cause I'm a professional basketball star, you piece of fuuuuuuuudge." -- Rick Stevens, reducing Tom to a mere confection for failing to recognize his lofty status
"What is that? What is it? It sounds like a reaction. Like, 'Ow, I put my finger on the stove. Yao Ming!'" -- Rick Stevens, trying to identify the Chinese-born NBA center
"Well, I don't always fall for it. Sometimes I, you know, I think maybe he just got fat or something like really quick. Or he's pregnant." -- Rick Stevens, citing some alternative explanations for Tiny Lawrence's sudden abdominal bulge
"I mean, there's no blowouts. I'm running my gd scrod off out there." - Rick Stevens, fighting to compete with the Harlem Globetrotters
"Don't get me wrong, Dino's good. Yeah. It's just, how many times can we hear 'Just Like Heaven' and still get wood, you know?" -- Rick Stevens, struggling to achieve an erection when hearing the band play their The Cure cover in 2009
"It's official: I'm too old to be waking up on a rooftop in a pool of some other dude's vomit." -- Rick Stevens, acknowledging the downside of his hard-partying ways
"Oh my God, Rick, please! Please do something. I can't take it anymore. The Loafsniffers are so MF boring." -- A disgruntled five-year-old, begging for better entertainment value
"Sure it is! People love to see the ... um ... the blubbered go down. Don't they?" -- Rick Stevens, promoting the fun of seeing a fat kid get pelted with a concrete basketball
"He would have added a lot to our team, too. We would've definitely saved money 'cause he wouldn't need a uniform." - Rick Stevens, noting a financial benefit of having the late Kevin Allin not suit up for the Generals
"And this is no exaggeration, Tom. I whipped Lebron James." -- Rick Stevens, claiming that he defeated the Cavs star 96-0 during his tryout duel
"No, I haven't. I think you're exaggerating my exaggerations of which there are none." -- Rick Stevens, denying that he has embellished any his stories
"You're a Warlock aren't you. Oh, no. I always pick Warlocks to threaten." -- Rick Stevens, lamenting his latest encounter with a practitioner of the dark arts
"Well that's ... see now we're getting into an illness. Now I'm sweating." -- Marty Short, expressing concern about Tom's eBay acquisition of his Clifford threads
"I feel badly for Divine, but the good news is more roles for us." -- Steve Martin, finding a silver lining in the passing of John Waters's cross-dressing muse
"Hey, don't be frightened of a jerk! What is this, Moscow in the 50s? Let them on!" -- Marty Short, urging Tom to lift the red curtain and confront the mutant revolt
"I'm sure he had a point. It couldn't have been just about the title." -- Marty Short, giving Spike a pass for seemingly using him as his personal IMDb
"You're being too hard on your audience. By the way, this is your audience. They're not phoning up Mike Wallace. They're phoning you." -- Marty Short, reminding Tom about what he has spawned
"He did say nice things about you. That's the only thing he got wrong. Oh, I don't get that. That just shows he's too nice." -- Tom, lamenting Marty's praise for his increasingly powerful Associate Producer
"He's weird! I mean he's weirder than me!" - Spike, exposing the musician Billy Blob Thornton
"You know, I'm sorry you didn't get on the air with him, but the thing that kept you from getting on the air with him was that you are Larry The Perv." -- Tom, ringing the bell on LTP's existential crisis
"It's finally good to hear someone good in this slot, man. It seemed like that other guy Blob was on for like months." -- Bryce, rejoicing in The Mike Show's on-air debut
"It's the rare uh, you know, comingling of uh eros, spirituality, and um mystery. And murder. There's several decapitations in it." -- Bryce, touting the The Booth's mash-up mayhem
"You are pornography." - Bryce, attempting to land Mike as the public face of his new Weed & Wax emporium
"Oh, man, I gotta lay down. Maybe forever." -- Bryce, opting for an extended nap after one too many monster crippler hits
"You could say that might be the worst day ever, uh, for those individuals." -- Mike, putting the Jonestown Massacre into proper perspective
"Tom is pantomiming hanging himself." -- Mike, describing Tom's reaction to the synopsis of a potential Bruno S./J. Haze/A. Kutcher thriller

[TBSOWFMU - 04/28/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

3Ds - "Hey Seuss"

( Click here to buy The Venus Trail)

The Obits - "Lillies in the Street"

( Click here to buy I Blame You)

Christmas - "True Soldiers of Love"

( Click here to acquire the rest of In Excelsior Dayglo)

Eric's Trip - "Sunlight"

( Click here to buy Love Tara)

Maria Bamford - "Wizard of Art"

( Click here to buy Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome)

The Hunches - "Ate My Teeth"

( Click here to buy Exit Dreams)

Strange Boys - "This Girl Taught Me a Dance"

( Click here to buy ... And Girls Club)

Preakness - "Air Traffic"

( Click here to buy A Class Act in a Bad Situation)

Mirah - "The Forest"

( Click here to buy (a)spera)

Dandelions - "It's A Long Way To Heaven"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Dandelions)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "No Exaggerations." »

May 9, 2009

Fleet Week.

"This is amazing. Nothing is happening in the phone room. It's embarrassing. One dude called, and another guy thought this was a karate studio. Really? Karate studio? This is not a karate studio. It's WFMU!" -- Sensei Captain Tom Scharpling, setting sail into eerily calm waters
"Anyone who knows the Famous Flamer knows that you can't hustle a Famous Flamer at air hockey." -- Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno, suffering no punks in the hotel game room
"They lock the bathrooms at noight!" -- PBR, lamenting the security measures at the Manyunk Public Libary
"I missed Torque. I remember wanting to see Torque one night, and I didn't get to see it 'cause I was here doing my show." -- Tom, noting one of the many cinematic sacrifices he makes for weekly radio broadcasting
"I'm making it a race. I don't want it to be family. I want it to be a vicious competition where people gotta step up or GO HOME." -- Paul F. Tompkins, testing out his Big Dogs/No Fear spec packet to stir up a DJ pledge battle
"If you are a giant, you are afraid of very little." -- Paul F. Tompkins, downplaying concerns about Shaquille O'Neal's open-diner Tweet policy
"Sounded like you were doing a weird Scottish accent like it was a Raisins Rice & Rye commercial." -- Tom, questioning the authenticity of Therese's attempt at a Yardley, PA accent
"So high." -- Paul F. Tompkins, speculating on the condition of Rob in the Netherlands
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" - Listener Darth Vader, displaying rare emotion after not winning the King Khan and the Shrines CD

"This money was originally going to buy Harry Knowles a new wheelchair bib, but now: Best Show." -- Mac in Austin, depriving a local legend of barbecue-free clothing

"It's gotta come from the people. There's no government bailout of WFMU from B. Hussein Obama." -- Paul F. Tompkins, replacing Blob Limbaugh, Esq. as the new face of the Republican Party
"Hey-o!" -- Ted Leo, reacting (ironically) to an overheated Aimee Mann shedding one of her winter layers after her first music set
"Every week is Fleet Week with my new look!" -- Tom, anchoring the SS Best Show for a permanent docking
"It's a little strawberry milk, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter to me the brand. I make no endorsements. You know how I loathe advertising." -- John Hodgman, enjoying an unspecified refreshment with his integrity intact
"Why don't you just step up to the plate and knock out a home run into relationship stadium." -- Paul F. Tompkins, doling out an apt sports metaphor to a Mouse-pledging commitment-phobe
"I can't strictly read. I don't know if that's weird to admit right now, but I can't read as such. But I'm very good at memorizing shapes. And I feel like I've seen a lot of these before." -- Paul F. Tompkins, preparing to grapple with the geometry of the "Wise Up" lyric sheet
"We'll take pledges from racists*." -- Paul F. Tompkins, accepting a donation from Dog the Bounty Hunter *allegedly
"Sounds like Therese is gonna get thrown into the Sarlacc's pit!" -- Tom, fearing for his co-host during a Star Wars trivia takedown
"We're talented! All of us!" -- Tom, praising his steroidal bandmates after a triumphant Eleanor John finale

[TBSOWFMU - 03/10/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]


Jawbox - "Jackpot Plus!"

( Click here to buy For Your Own Very Special Scharpling)

Unrest - "When It All Comes Down" (Miaow cover)

( Click here to buy Afternoon Delight - Love Songs from Sub Pop)

Tommy Keene - "A Secret Life of Stories"

( Click here to buy In The Late Brights)

Boston Spaceships - "Heavy Crown"

( Click here to buy Planets Are Blasted)

Millionaire At Midnight - "Drink A Toast"

( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:

Continue reading "Fleet Week." »

March 31, 2009

Make Him Drink.

"Now it is time for you to call. It is time for you to do The Right Thing. It's time for you to testify." -- Tom, kicking things off with his classic Volcano Suns-inspired pledge plea
"I will say this, guys: if you want to talk to a G-I-R-L, call 800-989-9368." -- Tom, tempting the male demographic with some ultra-rare female interaction
"We're 35 minutes into the show, and I have raised a total of $3. That's not true. I'm not gonna lie that bad." -- Tom, setting a limit on his financial fibbery
"Wait. I start tellin' a story, the phones stop ringin'. NO STORIES! This show's not fun! NO FUN! NFL. No ... what would the 'L' stand for tonight? NFR! No Fun Radio." -- Tom, aborting his recap of the "More pizza, slave!" call to focus on FUNdraising
"He is the man that many call the murderer of the music industry. He's right there. If you wanna know why your band is dropped from a label or the label is firing 300 people, it's that guy on Phone 7." - Tom, throwing .mp3 blog inventor Matthew Fluxblog under the bus
"Oh, stop. One more round. Of applause. Oh, stop. Stop! Thanks. One more round." -- Philly Boy Roy, reveling in his warm reception
"Who do ya like better: me or Blob?" -- Philly Boy Roy, conducting an impromptu poll in the phone room
"Oh, these doctors nowadays. They can do anything. He's gonna get re-animated. I'm just kiddin' -- he didn't die. He don't wanna play with those guys no more." -- Philly Boy Roy, discussing the not-dead holdout for a reunion of the original lineup of The Hooters
"I think I'm leaking IQ points." -- Tom, detecting intelligence drainage amidst PBR's labored speech
"You just said 'orgy.' Yes, you did. You're dirty. You're in the gutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, (falsely) accusing Tom of lapsing into filthmouth when giving out the address for online pledges
"Who in this room has not run a bar out of their basement? I'm seein' like seven hands." -- Philly Boy Roy, discovering that residential speakeasies are atypical business ventures
"It is, too! Wiki it. Miss Wiki that." -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to confirm the existence of an old-timey comedian named Abbot Norman Costello


"I know there's some Richie Riches out there listening. I know it. These hotshots with their uh ... fancy iPods and their uh ... you know, sushi." -- Tom, soliciting Booster Pledges from his wealthy listeners

"Mike, you could pledge $30,000, and you're not allowed on the Booze Cruise. I'm telling you right now. I think there are maritime laws that prevent you from boarding a ship." -- Tom, citing legal precedent that prohibits his unhinged Associate Producer from circling Manhattan
"Look, I try. That's all I can do. I don't have the God-given talent. I don't. I'm not like Rush Limbaugh. I don't have the talent that a guy like that has. I gotta work for it. I gotta scrap. I'm a scrappa!" -- Tom, clawing his way to excellence in broadcasting
"The dumbest member of CSNY is the one who doesn't pledge." -- Daniel from Lynchburg, VA, settling the months-long debate: four-way tie for last!
"This is that classic marathon moment. Jerry Lewis dreams of moments like this. He can't make these moments happen. That fat blob." -- Tom, outdoing the plump MDA telethoner with a spirited "Tom is The Queen!" chant
"The bottle's burning my hand! What did I put in this?!" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to recall the toxic and probably fetid liquid inside his oversized novelty baby bottle
"All you really need is one copy of Clifford, and you'll be fine." -- Hatch, supporting Brigham from Seattle's decision to cancel his movie delivery service to enable his pledge
"Thank you, Fredericks. I'm sure it's dirty money, but we'll still take it." -- Tom, accepting a questionable pledge from the flashlight operator for the forthcoming run of The United States of Dutch at the abandoned (and haunted) Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre in Jupiter, Florida
"That's the one good thing you do." -- Philly Boy Roy, praising Tom's dead-on impression of Adriana La Cerva admonishing her drug-addled fiancée, Christophuh Moltisanti
"Oh my God. It's like he's a wild animal. It's sick. There's just saliva sprayin' everywhere. He's rabid." -- Philly Boy Roy, providing play-by-play of Tom's antics during The Final Push
"I'M THE KING OF THIS DUMP!" -- Tom, ascending the throne after setting a new WFMU pledge record
"Listen, um, they got the money. I don't know how they did it. He's runnin' some kinda racket here. Don't know what it is. But um ... bring it down anyway! [air horn toot]" -- Philly Boy Roy, ordering "Milt" to demolish the WFMU building

[TBSOWFMU - 03/03/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]


The Secrets - "It's Your Heart Tonight"

( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)

The Ettes - "Marathon"

( Click here to buy Look At Life Again)

Wwax - "Like It Or Not"

( Click here to buy Like It Or Not)

Velocity Girl - "Crazy Town"

( Click here to buy The John Peel Sub-Pop Sessions)

Chug - "Money Money Money" (ABBA cover)

( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:

Continue reading "Make Him Drink." »

March 2, 2009

Slave to the Grind.

"Now hold on a minute. Are you auditioning for Worst Caller of 2009? Is this what this is? No?" -- Tom, asking Spike if he's getting an early jump on the competition
"Hi-ho, Kermit, the, Frog here. One day we'll find / It's The Rainbow Connection / Tom Scharpling, the dreamers, and meeeee. La-de-da-de-dadeda." -- Kermit the Frog (David at Montclair State), serenading the host/air hockey champion
"A night where the celebrities shine, and the mutants are ... somehow at the top of the ladder for one lonely night." -- Tom, noting a rare ascent for the show's basement dwellers
"Hey, Tojo, we left a flaming paper bag on your doorstep! Don't step on it ... unless you want your life enriched!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, describing a classic 1940s Improv Everywhere prank march
"Look, I know this thing is fake. You don't think I can spot a fake thing from a mile away? But all I ask you do to, all I ask, is that you preserve the premise of the fakeness." -- Tom, bidding farewell to the flagrantly inauthentic Tool Academy
"I'm getting that tattooed across my abs this week. Fantastic Cartoon Dude. Like in Old English script." -- Matt Fraction, embracing and inking the title Tom bestowed upon him
"What if I Heave Ho'd Omar during it? That would be a guaranteed winner for next year, but I can't. It's not gonna happen." -- Tom, avoiding a world-collapsing shocker
"Naaah." -- Omar the Scrivener, declining to address the people
"You're gonna have your big FM license. No time for Tom anymore. That's cool. I get it. That's how they roll over in that family, huh? That's how they roll. Too cool for school. Everyone's too cool." -- Tom, jokingly lamenting the H-Man's signal/ego boost
"Unbelievable. Unbelievable! Guy gets an award, he's doesn't even hear it. His computer went down. That's what happens when you steal your Internet! That's what happens when you steal your Internet! Jeepers Creepers." -- Tom, dismissing Spike for tuning out his Best Dismissal
"Next year. Great. Great. So he's gonna come for him, and by that he means he's gonna turn in some horrible calls." -- Tom, bracing himself for Frank from Weehawken's 2009 title run
"Is he fat?" - Julie from Cincinnati, inquiring about the girth of her potential new husband, APMike
"Hey, man, don't worry, like, I'm not as creepy as I pretend. I'm worse." -- Julie from Cincinnati, trying to ease Tom's mind about her trip to Jersey City
"Oh, it's like Christmas morning. That was like Christmas morning. I never timed one better. I don't think I ever timed one of those better than that one." -- Tom, reveling in an Ali-grade rope-a-dope of Greg from Psychedelic Sitting Room
"Somehow you managed to make this your moment. Somehow Steve's moment became Nate's Moment. GET OFF ... HEAVE HO!" -- Tom, orchestrating Nate Hartley's second Best Show turfout
"Lost my focus, Tom? Or found my destiny?" -- APMike, mastering his domain of filth
"You enable these things. You're an enabler! And I mean that in a good way." -- Ted Leo, crediting Tom with an assist on his Moment of Triumph
"I'm going to kill you with that axe bass, and I'm going to chop you up into little pieces, and I will put you in a Kiss urn." - Gene Simmons, kicking it up a notch with his branded merchandise
"It's like a famous person! I'm so giddy. I'm giddy to talk to you!" - Tom, welcoming the legendary John from Charleston back into the fold
"There is no winner for Best Call because I win Worst Host for what I just did to my six friends with those impressions. -- Tom, ending the show from the doghouse

[TBSOWFMU - 02/17/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

Thee Headcoats - "Want Me - Win Me"

( Click here to buy In Tweed We Trust)

Goblin C - "Haint"

( Click here to buy Come With Me If You Want To Live)

Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - "Good"

( Click here to buy Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit)

Heartless Bastards - "Out At Sea"

( Click here to buy The Mountain)

Ludella Black and The Masonics - "I Want Some Answers"

( Click here to buy From This Witness Stand)

Ty Segall - "Pretty Baby (You're So Ugly)"

( Click here to buy Ty Segall)

Zero Boys - "Positive Chance"

( Click here to buy History Of)

Marykate O'Neil - "Different For Girls" (David Jackson cover)

( Click here to buy Underground)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Slave to the Grind." »

February 18, 2009

True He Who.

"Prescott. Weston. Kleiler. That's the Volcano Suns." -- Tom, reminding people that the Farced lineup is the Real Deal
"I didn't know that it was magic, pure magic. That it was the ultimate form of communication. I had no idea. Didn't know that." -- Tom, discovering the joys of that thing called Twitter
"You have to pay for those shows. And they're better, sure, but still. Think of what ALF would've been if it was on cable." -- Julie from Cincinnati, imagining the sitcom freed from the shackles of network restrictions like Deadwood and The Sopranos

[More quotes to come.]

"What? I'm very tempted to tell you to spank yourself." - Bernie Taupin, pondering the proper punishment for not knowing about his solo career
"It's basically me reciting poetry over sitars and tablas. Yeah, it's awesome." -- Bernie Taupin, requesting the entire "Child" side from his cutout classic debut
"Ehhhhk. What a hunk of dog fudge that is." - Bernie Taupin, dismissing "Little Jeannie," the c-wrap hit single from Elton John's 21 at 33
"Hey! Bernie! Those songs saved my life! Too bad the music's so awful!" - An excited construction worker, thanking Taupin for preventing his suicide despite Elton John's grating melodies and insipid chord changes
"I don't wanna promote him anymore right now, okay? Okay? Like the old rap song goes, it's Bernie Time!" -- Bernie Taupin, invoking the timeless "U Can't Touch This" to shift the conversation away from Eleanor
"It's funny, the last words I remember saying before I fell onto the notary's children were, 'It's a marathon, honey, not a sprint.'" -- Bernie Taupin, embarking on an epic, 33-year battle to outsell his wildly popular musical partner
"No, Matsuflex is a gifted female banjo player. We might be talkin' about different Matsuflexes!" -- Bernie Taupin, informing Tom that the BTMT member is NOT the guy enrolled in Tool Academy
"I don't know, maybe there was like a crumb on that period, I don't know, when I saw it." -- Bernie Taupin, trying to explain his reference to the dearly departed singer-songwriter "G. Gallin"
"I mean, he's turning me onto a whole world of filth that I never knew existed. Yeah. He truly is my Captain Fantastic. And now I can truly be the Brown [cut off]" -- Bernie Taupin, morphing into full-blown debauchery with the aid of Dr. Dino Sex's mentorship
"I'll be the first to admit I don't have what's called a traditionally great singing voice. And I'm also not a great instrumentalist." -- Bernie Taupin, issuing some disclaimers prior to performing bizarre renditions of Elton classics
"Well, your versions are singular. I will say that for you." --Tom, noting Taupin's unique original vision compared to the beloved extant recordings
"It was pretty big, I thought. He acquitted himself nicely." --Bernie Taupin, praising Kyle Gass for his starring role in Elf
"Pull me closer, Tiny Dancer, because I'm gonna murder you." --Bernie Taupin, threatening Tom with his wretched voice, a drum, and an air horn

[TBSOWFMU - 01/27/09 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

G. Gallin - "Automatic"

( Click here to get the rest of the I Hate You EP)

The Jetsons - "Killing"

( Click here to get the rest of The Jetsons EP)

Vanilla Trainwreck - "The Jugular"

( Click here to buy Sofa Livin' Dreamazine)

Kitchens of Distinction - "The 3rd Time We Opened The Capsule"

( Click here to buy Capsule: The Best of KOD 1988-94)

The Bird and The Bee - "Diamond Dave"

( Click here to buy Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future)

Throwing Muses - "Bea"

( Click here to buy Hunkpapa)

The Get Up Kids - "Shorty"

( Click here to buy Live @ the Granada Theater)

Superchunk - "Tie A Rope To The Back Of The Bus"

( Click here to buy Clambakes Vol. 4: Sur La Bouche - Live in Montreal 1993)


Continue reading "True He Who." »

February 7, 2009

Punk Tango.

"No? What? No?! Come on! COME ON! Don't you know who I am?" - Tom, yelling at an uncooperative Fredericks soundboard
"It's like, well, if we land on water ... s'uh!" - Sean in Rampbridge, explaining why he typically ignores the in-flight safety speech
"I think I saw him mouth the word 'munch'." -- Sean, catching Flight 1549 Cpt. Sullenberger diss a talkative passenger during the boarding process
"It would appear that I'm some kind of good luck charm, wouldn't it?" - Sean, putting a positive spin on his recent air travel escapades
"And he knocked it outta my hand! And it hit a duck. Yeah. What kinda creep is he?" - Sean, wondering why a triumphant Sully reacted violently to his celebratory air horn face blast
"As Gahndi once said, I'm in heap big trouble." - Sean, quoting The Lone Ranger's assistant to indicate the legal fallout from attracting birds to the plane's engines

"No, you jerk, it's the noise that comes out of the air horn!" - Sean, informing Tom about the sonic tilling of the farmlands in Speed-the-Horn

"Oh, it's fanciful." - Sean, urging Tom to take a second look at the stage production of Grease
"Okay, well, here's what you're gonna hear for the last time from me. Okay? [four air horn toots]. Good. Bye. You. Munch." - Sean, bidding farewell to The Best Show
"Alright. Thanks for the review of the porno thing you watched. I'll talk to you next week." - Tom, offering minor props to Spike for his take on Atlantic City Hookers
"It doesn't sound appealing to me to eat a sandwich that's pretty much the whole McDonald's menu at the same time." -- Healthy MacGuyver Ben Kharak, cleverly bypassing New Brunswick's aptly-named Grease Trucks
"What you'd eat and what's disgusting are two different things." - Tom, noting that Fredericks would gladly root around the raccoon remainders
"Most recent reports have him conscious yet bedridden and flagrantly incoherent." - Tom, updating Newbridge on the Iggles-induced hospitalization of Mayor-elect RTZPR"PBR"Z
"You don't think I know I'm doin' a good job? This is the best thing anyone can ever hear in any form of anything ever. What I'm doing right now." - Tom, Heave-Ho-ing ManiacFOT for stating the obvious
"Aw, the second Obama got inaugurated the Dow Jones went down 300 points. The stock mahket went DOWN. SEE?!" - DJ Terre T, repeating some sharp political insights from her conservative workplace
"Where do you work, by the way? A cab dispatch?" - Tom, noticing a pattern to DJTT's cast of New Yawky characters
"It wasn't that gooduva speech anyway!" -- Alvaro's AAA driver, raining on his Obama inaugural parade
"What punk band did he join? A band other than The Police?" - Tom, questioning the revisionist history of guitarist Andy Summers
"That almost had poetry in it!" - Fredericks, digging the dirty Elizabethan blues of Stink & Costello
"I don't know if you noticed it, but I left the room at one point. I had to go scream into Ricky's bed." - Mitch Wilkins, apologizing for his 7-year-old son's poor The Little Bluebird reading
"One was fresh, beautiful, full of nourishing lycopenes. The other: cold, undercooked, some would say fetid." - Mitch Wilkins, recalling two disparate options on the fateful Slice Day '96
"A security boy. They won't even make me a security man for another six months." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting his lowly standing in the Newbridge Commons force
"I mean, Hollywood may always nail what it's like to be in a band, but they sure don't know anything about being a mall cop." - Mitch Wilkins, detecting rampant falsehoods in the trailer for Paul Blart: Mall Cop
"Almost like what you'd think the big dude from Adam and the Ants would smell like after a full day's practice with the 1981 New Orleans Saints. Just horrible." - Mitch Wilkins, describing the foul interior of Tom's car
"Why do you wrap them back up in little bits from an old Flock of Seagulls poster?" -- Mitch Wilkins, trying to understand Tom's peculiar method of saving 5,000 partially-eaten Tootsie Pops
"I'm surprised people don't dump garbage on my lawn, or on my children, or me." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting a disgusting existence caused by his Master's bad mojo spell
"You ruined my life. You ruined my life, you gross ape. You ruined my life you gross ape that stinks." - Mitch Wilkins, translating his exchange with an anti-Tom air horn

[TBSOWFMU - 01/20/09 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

Ace Frehley - "What's On Your Mind?"

( Click here to buy Ace Frehley)

Swervedriver - "Planes Over The Skyline"

( Click here to buy the Mezcal Head reissue)

The Marked Men - "Head Set"

( Click here to buy Ghosts)

Unrest - "Oils"

( Click here to buy Malcolm X Park)

Moving Targets - "The Other Side"

( Click here to buy Brave Noise/Burning In Water)

New Radiant Storm King - "Phonecall"

( Click here to buy Rival Time)

Scrawl - "Gutterball"

( Click here to buy Plus, Also, Too from eMusic)

The 6ths (ft. Mary Timony) - "All Dressed Up In Dreams"

( Click here to buy Wasps' Nest)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Punk Tango." »

January 24, 2009

Bun Fun.

"I don't know this stuff. My sphere of knowledge? $5 footlongs at Subway. That's the stuff I know. Where to get cheap gas." -- The streetsmart Tom Scharpling, explaining his inability to translate the Brit-tish name of Graham Day's backing band
"We're caught in a trap/We can't get out/Because I liiiiike you too much, baby." -- Tom, singing about his dysfunctional relationship with the rut-plagued Spike
"Why, Mike's a drug addict, too?" -- Petey, wondering why Tom wants to stage a joint intervention
"You know what, I apologize. I thought I was gonna hear some heap of garbage that you put together in 15 minutes on your $400 Dell." -- Tom, retracting his advance negative review of Fredericks's top-notch "Judo Chop" remix
"They'll think it's a planet of Emilio Estevi. 'Cause that's the plural of Estevez, right? Estevi?" -- Tom, stating one of the many perils of screening Repo Man for alien audiences
"But you know, as dirty as it gets, in other cultures, that water is considered Holy Water." -- Barry, revealing the hot dog liquid's sacramental standing in various world religions
"Yeah, so it's like classical music without Bev Bevan. Yeah. I dropped a little ELO science on your bottom." -- Barry, describing the drum-free sounds that greet his high-end clientele
"I don't think you do. I mean, maybe back in your homeland of the Soviet Union you need one, but here we have something called freedom." -- Barry, informing his comrade that he doesn't need a liquor license to serve red wine
"It's kind of like a cross between a hot dog and a real healthy banana split." -- Barry, promoting his new line of eccentric "veggie dogs"
"What?! No! He's a politician. One of our best!" -- Barry, denying that frequent customer David Duke is a "hatemonger"
"I'm sorry, what was that? It sounds like you dropped your phone." -- Tom, struggling to comprehend the clickety-click name of the greatest supergroup that has ever converged together
"It looks great on paper, but in reality it actually sounds like a herd of goats eating a rubber raft." -- Barry on the harsh, masticating sounds of MickNick PickMickNick's democratic racket
"Why are you grilling me? I don't like this. I'm the one that does the grilling!" -- Barry, unleashing another hot dog joke to thwart Tom's GNR inquisition
"He keeps the wheels super-oiled, so it doesn't make that much noise unless it topples over and spills horrendously dirty water everywhere." -- Barry, noting his protagnasist detective's precautions when peeking into boudoirs with his cart in tow
"Well, it's very tasteful. Even the XXX footage, which I have to say is both tasteful and spanktastic." -- Barry, touting the classy eroticism of his stealth documentary
"I'm gonna encase you in something. Paul's skin. I'm getting both of you guys. Yeah. Look out." -- Barry, delivering a delayed threat to turn Tom into the world's largest and dumbest hot dog

[More quotes to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 01/13/08 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

Graham Day and The Gaolers - "Begging You"

( Click here to buy Triple Distilled)

Brutal Knights - "Support Me"

( Click here to buy Living By Yourself)

The Heartaches - "Teenage Hypochondriac"

( Click here to buy Too Cool For School)

The Lids - "Start The Party"

( Click here to buy The Lids)

The Fastbacks - "Time & Matter" (U.K. Submarines cover)

( Click here to buy Home Alive - The Art of Self Defense)

The Golden Boys - "Mine Like A Diamond"

( Click here to buy Goodbye Country)

Robert Pollard - "By Silence Be Destroyed"

( Click here to buy The Crawling Distance)

Lemuria - "Pants"

( Click here to buy Get Better)


Continue reading "Bun Fun." »

January 14, 2009

Weak Chin Music.

"It's like if the dude from Leaving Las Vegas had a blog." - Tom, blurbing @APMike's late-stage Twitterspace
"If I find an Internet café, and I have an extra little Abe Lincoln sheet of paper in my pocket, I'll fold that into the feeder and jump onto the Mindweb and lay a couple of droppings out there, sure." - Travis Edgkin, confirming that he frequently posts on message boards
"I dig the claws in deep, but I dig 'em in gently." - Travis Edgkin, revealing the way he handles denizens of his pirate radio mindtrip
"I thought that's the kind of ossified, calcified corporate kinda stuff that you do that kinda cocoons the listener in a sorta gentle jelly of compromise." - Travis Edgkin, justifying his over-the-top "Oldies Station" intro of Sellout Harrison's "Ding Dong, Ding Dong"
"I don't know why ... You really are ... You're nuts. I mean that in the best sense." -- Tom, diplomatically assessing the aspiring DJ
"I eat a lot of pouch food now." - Travis Edgkin, 48, lamenting his low-sodium diet
"What about Amy Beertent?" -- Tom, performing an ode to Spike's horrifying Mad magazine spoofs
"My life doesn't allow me to hang upside down, so I decided I have to exercise instead to get the same effect. " -- Fredericks of NPR, informing Ben Crock about his sag-reversing pull-up regimen
"I think we just cleared the decks for 2008. I feel weirdly ... uh ... purified now. " -- Tom, readying the ship for 2009 battle after the psychedelic Spike/FoNPR/JfC jam session

[More quotes to come.]

"I kept wondering if I was really looking at myself. Those jowls? So droopy. Like a deformed hippo or something." - Sean from Rampbridge, criticizing his appearance in TV interviews regarding the crash of Flight 254
"I thought it would camouflage that? And it just looks like there's a dying albino chipmunk torso hanging off my chin or something. It's gross, just gross." - Sean, bashing the beard that was supposed to hide his fatty face
"I mean, these things could have their own zip code or time zone, or however people describe something that's outrageously oversized. It's sick. I hate it." -- Sean, rejecting the vast landscape occupied by his eye bags
"Come on, it's me, Sean. Where do you get it? Come on. Where do you get it? Tom. Come on. I can hear you hitting the buttons and working those toggle switches. We all can." - Sean, pushing Tom to tell him the retailer of his TS-478 voice modulator
"I can't even hear anymore. Geez!" - Sean, feeling the harmful effects of his own air horn
"Because I'm the face of Port-o-John Monthly, you munch." - Sean, explaining why he needs to travel to Eastern Guam for jowl-displacement surgery
"No, up a little bit. Yeah. My ploople. My ploople pop." -- Sean, directing Tom to the desired location of a forthcoming $700 fat injection
"I thought we were gonna go to the White House this year, which is what it should be called." -- Sean, regretting that the White Rage American Hate Speech party was denied admittance into the properly-named residence
"Well, if invisible was a number, it would be that." -- Sean, providing the final vote tally for WRAHSP Presidential candidate Walt Fredericks in Southwestern Idaho
"I'm so glad. It sounds like the air horn is dying." - Tom, celebrating the final frog-fart cries of Sean's sonic weapon

[TBSOWFMU - 12/30/08 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

The Dirtbombs - "Start The Party"

( Click here to buy Dangerous Magical Noise)

Pussy Galore - "Renegade!"

( Click here to buy the SuGarShit SharPling EP)

Girls Against Boys - "Go Be Delighted"

( Click here to buy Venus Luxure No. 1 Baby)

No Bunny - "Boneyard"

( Click here to buy Love Visions)

Thomas Function - "Can't Say No"

( Click here to buy Celebration)

The Duke Spirit - "You Really Wake Up The Love In Me"

( Click here to buy Neptune)

Paul Collins' Beat - "Ribbon of Gold"

( Click here to buy Ribbon of Gold)

Superchunk - "Baxter"

( Click here to buy Live at the Cat's Cradle - 8/29/08 from CyTunes)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Weak Chin Music." »

December 31, 2008

Reggae Christmas.

"Let's do it for Santa Claus. I'm doin' this one for Santa Claus." -- Tom, sending the tentpole up to the North Pole
"Why do all those guys have that meathead helmet? He looks like Tim Blake Nelson if you dropped like eight pounds of hair on his head." -- Tom, performing a transplant from the Illinois thug to the less-endowed character actor
"You just tell me the truth, Fernando! Look, whatever happened happened, but look Fernando, you just gotta tell me the truth!" -- The uglier brother of Paulie Walnuts, recounting an exchange with a co-worker while seated next to Tom at a fancy restaurant

[More to come.]

"And then Bryan Adams came on doin' 'Reggae Christmas' and all H-ell would break l-oose." -- PBR, setting the wild scene inside his neighbor's row house basement
"No, it's your mind's isle. Like your mind's an island in the middle of the ocean that's your head. Why?" -- PBR, noting the location of his stranded brandy sniffer from the early 1980s
"Oh, I'm sure you'll do somethin' that's gonna aggro-vate me. I don't know what it's gonna be." -- PBR, vowing to lead Tom to the whipping stockades for an unspecified infraction
"Corruption will have, if not no, then the smallest possible place in my admino-stration." -- PBR, distancing himself from the dirty politics of Gov. Mike Bla-go-je-vich
"Well, they got back together, and I'm sure made, if not thousands, hundreds." -- PBR, assessing the lucrative reunion of The Hooters
"Of course the belts had guns at the end of them. They weren't loaded." -- PBR, describing the weapons Werner and Rutager used during their Peace Operative training
"That's what's so great about Newbridge -- it's a total melon pot." -- PBR, promising to honor the town's diversity with a mash-up of Philly sports colors
"I don't really know. Do you ride it? Well, they're called a rhino, so I guess you ride it. No, they'd be called a rhido then. I don't know. You grab it by the horn, and you just swing?" -- PBR, trying to determine the best use of his odd-toed ungulate
"Now I'm bummed. [crippler hit] Now I'm not." -- PBR, getting over the disappointing size of the Mayor's ranch house with some weed intake
"And no arguments, okay Tom? This one's on youse." -- PBR, calling for a crematorium on criticisms of his fiscal spending

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 12/23/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

John Denver & The Muppets - "Little Saint Nick"

( Click here to buy A Christmas Together)

Milk N Cookies - "Tinkertoy Tomorrow"

( Click here to buy Milk N Cookies)

Hypnolovewheel - "Get My Act Together"

( Click here to acquire Turn! Turn! Burn! and more!)

Danielson - "Singers Go First"

( Click here to buy Trying Hartz)

Vitamin X (ft. John Brannon) - "Pressure Release"

( Click here to buy Full Scale Assault)

Eddy Current Suppression Ring - "Sunday's Coming"

( Click here to buy Primary Colours)

The Weakends - "Times Is Tight"

( Click here to buy The Weakends)

Tommy Jay - "Accept It!"

( Click here to buy Tom's Tall Tales of Trauma)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Reggae Christmas." »

December 2, 2008

More Scrivening Than You Require.

You're really gonna carry your weight here on Thanksgiving." -- Tom, giving Spike props for bringing some sparkling cider to his family's holiday meal
"You feeble-minded lightweights. Oh, so weird. Couldn't handle it, huh, ladies? So weird!" -- Tom, underestimating the cinematic tolerance of the elderly Movie Clubbers during their post-Kaufman debriefing
"I mean, those guys could probably walk down the middle aisle at one of their concerts and not even get recognized. I don't know, it's kind of sad." -- 9-year-old Little Bill, lamenting the unfortunate anonymity of Aerosmith's unheralded Hamilton/Kramer rhythm section
"No, I wasn't saying it. He was. Little Bill was. I'm Big Bill, you idiot." -- Big Bill, setting Tom straight on which family member is embroiled in a tumultuous relationship
"This is Little Bill. He can't get enough of it. He loves having nightmares." -- Little Bill, confirming his father's enjoyment of the now off-limits Nightmare Machine
"I'm in a belt-whipping league." -- Mr. Sherbert, revealing one of his violent hobbies
"The weirdest part is that the dog has the same voice as the other two. I'm not even questioning that the dog speaks English." -- Tom, grappling with the third indistinguishable participant
"No, Big Bill's gonna whip Mr. Sherbert because there's more ... uh ... pudding." -- Big Bill, vowing to punish his pet for its second dessert deposit
"Alright, Big Bill, Little Bill, let's go for a walk." -- Mr. Sherbert, leading his masters into the night
"I don't have time for a plastic fork. Are you kidding? I've got to eat this thing. I've got to numb the pain." -- Tom, rejecting utensils for his 9/11 cheesecake feast
"Oh, the scrivener? He's some monk you've got stowed away somewhere in upstate New York? Illuminating every word in a manuscript? -- John Hodgman, speculating on the working conditions of Omar, The Best Show's Resident Recapper
"I got one about faxes. Put it in the book." - Milton Berle, crafting a late-period gem
"If you want, you can sign up for the Biosphere Project with other Geniuses and spider monkeys. A lot of spider monkeys." -- John Hodgman, promoting an exciting new Apple Store initiative
"That's why Detroit's going bankrupt. Because of the unions. Preventing children from cleaning smokestacks." -- John Hodgman, finding the roots of the global financial crisis
"It's like a high-pitched cackling that hurts." -- John Hodgman, describing the trademark laugh of Ricky Gervais
"Uh, I'll take the opposite position. What he said was wrong! How's that? Just to keep things interesting." -- John Hodgman, taking the Eagles over the Cardinals in the "Pigskin Picks" segment
"It is the gambling, yeah. Yeah. And the beatings. She won't beat me." - Brad in Sciencebridge, providing two reasons for his impending, fifth divorce
"Can you fax me a blueprint of your home, as well as a map of the air ducts that I can conveniently crawl through in order to drop into your nerve center?" -- John Hodgman, anticipating aspiring burglar Frank from Weehawken's follow-up question
"Are you a fertile man? Do you produce enough sperms to produce a human child." -- John Hodgman, checking on the viability of Tomas from New Canaan's reproductive system
"IT'S NOT A PARTY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? IT'S A FRIENDLY GET-TOGETHER!" -- Mike in Manhattan, emphatically downgrading the gathering in his residence
"I like it a lot. It explains why I'm wearing this smoking jacket." -- John Hodgman, enthusiastically embracing the bachelor status bestowed upon him by Listener T
"You're a man of many enthusiasms. I understand, Trembling Eagle." -- John Hodgman, figuring out what drives the newest Hate Pit member
"Success is only success when you're standing on the corpses of others. That's my back tattoo." -- Tom, choosing a more destructive path to glory
"Are you sure the H-Man is not 89 years old?" -- John Hodgman, questioning the young protégé's age after reading a Facebook status involving croquet-based pant rippage

[TBSOWFMU - 11/25/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

The Peanut Butter Conspiracy - "Is There Anything I Can Do?"

( Click here to buy Spreading From the Ashes)

Thee Oh Sees - "Block of Ice"

( Click here to buy Thee Hounds of Foggy Notion)

Crippled Pilgrims - "People Going Nowhere"

( Click here to buy Down Here: Collected Recordings 1983-1985)

100 Flowers - "Our Fallout"

( Click here to buy 100 Years of Pulchritude)

The Flies - "All Hung Up"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Get Wise)

Scruffy the Cat - "My Baby She's Alright"

( Click here to buy Tiny Days)

Squalls - "Take It All"

( Click here to buy No Time)

R.E.M. - "Catapult" (live, T-Dot, 1983)

( Click here to buy Murmur [Deluxe Edition])

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "More Scrivening Than You Require." »

November 25, 2008

On His Majesty's Secret Security Detail.

"What is this, Finding Forrester? You taught me something? I learned nothing from you. No, I taught you everything; you taught me nothing." -- Tom, denying Petey credit for mutual tutelage
"Yeah, Spike, just shut up." -- Petey, silencing the amateur film historian to get schooled by Tom about Stanley Donen's little-seen gem, Hey, Cabbie
"We've got a grown-up President now. It's time to act like a grown-up." -- Tom, telling Star Wars fans to finally emerge from their childhood cocoons

[More to quotes come.]

"Probably people sleeping, I guess." -- Melissa, noting the main attraction in Poland, Ohio
"Well, give me another example of robot-horror. Bicentennial Man? --- Tom, exploring Melissa's favorite subgenre via the remarkably lifelike Robin Williams
"I am a Death Machine. The only way you can stop it? You can't stop it!" -- Mr. Hammerhead, warning Tom about his indefatigable pit antics
"Basically ... uh ... I'm his Ron, I Knew Him Well." - Mr. Hammerhead, announcing his role as Team Ziegler's Chief of Staff
"Yeah. We're gonna make it less stinky." - Mr. Hammerhead, explaining the new administration's olfactory "vision" for Newbridge
"I'm kidding. Or am I? No, I am. Or am I? No, I am. Or am I? No, I am ... or am I?" - Mr. Hammerhead, joking (or not) about Mr. Ziegler's plan to get rid of Tom
"Well, you know, if someone's screwin' up in the pit, they gotta sit out for like a month. No pits for them. Like, 'Hey, Granny, no pit for you ... for a month. She's awful.'" - Mr. Hammerhead, doling out punishment as P.I.G.
"Well, an old lady might not love it." - Tom, giving an example of someone who wouldn't mind a month-long ban from good, rad pits
"Yeah, I was gonna make this Jay Reatard idiot look like Axl Rose." -- Mr. Hammerhead, revealing his now-thwarted plans to release 30 McCain Youth 7" singles per year
"You can't make fun of the new guy. Maybe the Bad Brains can get away with it, I don't know." - Mr. Hammerhead, lamenting the respectability of President-Elect Barack Obama
"He actually wanted to do a hardcore album, but Neil Peart wouldn't do it because he said his beanie falls off if he plays too fast." - Mr. Hammerhead, blaming unstable headgear for ruining Alec Lifespan's plans for a new direction
"Hey. Crack a mid-70s comeback album by an aging blues pioneer featuring a way-too-long and plodding song that would 20 years later be used in a Miller beer commercial much? It doesn't sound like you do." - Mr. Hammerhead, doubting that Tom listens to Muddy Walters's Hard Again
"What's wrong with you?! Does your hearing not work?" - Tom, questioning Mr. Hammerhead's ears after he refers to the Stones song "Jumping Jack Flask"
"Hey, clockwise, you munches! Come on! That's weak! Come on! Come on, youse guys." - Mr. Hammerhead, admonishing a group of kids with a PBR-y twang

[More to quotes come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 11/18/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Dayglo Abortions - "Stupid World"

( Click here to buy Feed Us a Fetus)

Go Back Snowball - "Lifetime For The Mavericks"

( Click here to buy Calling Zero)

Public Zone - "Naive"

( Click here to grab the b-side)

The Royal Purple - "In A Year Or So"

( Click here to request a FREE copy of The Time Element)

Love Is All - "Movie Romance"

( Click here to buy A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night)

Descendents - "Hope" (RIP Frank Navetta)

( Click here to buy Milo Goes To College)

Hunchback - "Inside Out"

( Click here to buy Pray for Scars)

Nip Drivers - "Fox on the Run" (Sweet cover)

( Click here to buy Nip Drivers)

EXCLUSIVE Bonus Track:

McCain Youth - "HAAAAAAAAAH?"

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "On His Majesty's Secret Security Detail." »

November 11, 2008

Blue Magic.

"It's barf-inducing." -- Spike, contemplating the horrors of an Old Man/That Woman regime
"Sick. That's sick. Those hillbillies. Come on hillbillies! Do the right thing, you weird mountain people." -- Tom, summoning the Virginia mutants to erase an early Good Guy deficit
"He would start crying -- like bad crying, not happy crying. Sad crying." -- Tom, imagining an exhausted Sen. John McLame's reaction to becoming President
"Oh. Really? You might be sorry! But that's okay." -- Julie from Cincinnati, getting an unexpected greenlight to file reports as The Best Show's Ohio correspondent
"Noooooooooooooooo!" -- A.P. Mike, moaning after his narrow Mayubernatorial defeat
"I'm your maaayor now, don't be scaaared now -- gonna rule with a hoagie, made-a iron, Tastykakes ... and beeer. Gonna ruuule ... gonna ruuuuule ... youse!" -- Philly Boy Roy, singing his acceptance speech
"You know why? I get to whip batteries at trick-or-treaters!" -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his love for Halloween
"You put it in, and it plays all these horrific sounds: car crashes, people screamin', dogs barkin', people dyin' and stuff." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the audio component of Milton Bradley's "Nightmare Machine"
"You better get back by 10 because that's when the wolfmen come out!" -- Mrs. Ziegler, stressing the importance of obeying curfew
"I guess it's like a pair of pliers you use on a van, but it's got like a widow's peak?" -- Philly Boy Roy, describing an odd subset of monsters called vanpliers
"Oh, I forgot something else. Uh ... Rhoda gave birth to a new kid yesterday, too." -- Philly Boy Roy, announcing the fourth-biggest event of his whirlwind week
"Yeah, the stockades and shackle depots aren't gonna start showin' up for a month or so." -- Philly Boy Roy, assuring the people that he will ease into his reign of terror
"All I wanna do is go the distance." -- Newbridge Vice-Mayor Rocky Balboa, committing to do whatever it takes
"I guess a Phil-n-Buster is when these two dudes do something that keeps you from bein' able to go home and watch TV." -- Philly Boy Roy, hoping to avoid lettuce slave ship gridlock
"It sounds to me like an Indian Chief and that guy from the Dead Kennedys." -- Philly Boy Roy, identifying the key players in the crucial White Eve and Jello Coal coalition
"Anyway, help me, O Great Mayor Rizzo to, in one word, Keep it Philly. Amen." -- Philly Boy Roy, concluding his prayer for a successful decade in Newbridge
"Hey, where's anything scary in this place? Other than the other troglodytes who came to this thing looking for scary stuff." - Tom, asking a Great Adventure employee to direct him to the prepared frights at, um, Fright Fest

[More quotes to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 11/4/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Apples in Stereo - "Tidal Wave" (Denver, CO)

( Click here to buy Fun Trick Noisemaker)

Zero Boys - "New Generation" (Indianapolis, IN)

( Click here to buy History Of on 2/3/09)

Scared of Chaka - "All My Friends Are Ghosts" (Albuquerque, NM)

( Click here to buy Tired Of You)

7 Seconds - "Strength" (Reno, NV)

( Click here to buy Walk Together, Rock Together)

Corrosion of Conformity - "Positive Outlook" (Raleigh, NC)

( Click here to buy Eye For An Eye (Plus Six Songs With Mike Singing))

Honor Role - "Lives Of The Saints #135 (Naked Wife)" (Richmond, VA)

( Click here to buy Album)

Full Fathom Five - "Why Their Faces Are So Worn" (Iowa City, IA)

( Click here to get the rest of Four Song EP)

Boys From Nowhere - "Rocket to Nowhere" (Columbus, OH)

( Click here to read about BFN)

Deicide - "Lunatic of God's Creation" (Tampa, FL)

( Click here to buy Deicide)

Bonus Track

[For Phillos Boyos Royos, the Mayor-elect-os of Newbridge-os]

Flag of Democracy - "Houses Made for Mannequins" (out there in Ambler, PA)

( Click here to visit FOD on Myplace)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Blue Magic." »

November 4, 2008

The Toolbelt Ringer.

"And I'm gonna be forever, don't you think? Yeah, yeah. All signs point to 'Yes,' right?" -- Joe the Plumber, predicting an extended stay in the national spotlight
"Well, you know, it's not every day you go to a party and get to eat a toilet." -- Joe the Plumber, promoting the unique experience of his new line of fudge fixtures
"Tools is right!" - Joe The Plumber, confirming Tom's assumption that these objects will appear in his "Rooter of Eros" trading cards
"It can't be me. You know, I can't play myself. Yeah. I guess that would be like an invasion of copyright." -- Joe the Plumber, explaining his decision avoid self-incrimination by becoming "Jack the Plumber" for a recurring role on Days of our Lives
"Look, jerks! Listen! You guys keep giving me attitude? I'm gonna hit you right in the face with that one ... um ... that one tool I have that has that ... uh ... that weird ... uh ... it's like a pinwheel kinda thing that ... uh ... you know, when you screw it, it opens it up and then you get it around the pipe. I'll smash you in the face with that." - Joe the Plumber, attempting to threaten Tom and PFT with a monkey wrench
"I'm gonna be honest with both you guys. I've never really acted except for that one film I'd rather not talk about, but it can't be too hard, right?" - Joe the Plumber, hoping to overcome his inexperience for the big Coleman brothers audition
"I nailed that scene, didn't I?" -- Joe the Plumber, feeling good about portraying Shelley Levene as a Mexican Dracula
"I can see it having elements of that, but it also should be about machine-gunning bad guys from a helicopter." -- Joe the Plumber, infusing some action into David Mamet's boring real-estate talkie
"At the very least it's too much fudge." - Paul F. Tompkins, passing on JTP's promise of an edible, life-sized toilet in every Newbridge bathroom

[TBSOWFMU - 10/21/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Possessed - "Evil Warriors"

( Click here to buy Seven Churches)

Sacred Denial - "Born Free"

( Click here to get the rest of Life's Been Getting To Me)

Cobra Verde - "Haunted Heavens"

( Click here to buy Haven't Slept All Year)

Deerhoof - "My Purple Past"

( Click here to buy Offend Maggie)

Pop Will Eat Itself - "Oh Grebo I Think I Love You"

( Click here to get the rest of the Poppiecock 12")

The Outnumbered - "She's Gonna Take It Out On Me"

( Click here to get the rest of Holding The Grenade Too Long)

Svelt - "Shrunken Head"

( Click here to buy Souvenir for $0.04)

The High Strung - "The Curator"

( Click here to buy Get The Guests)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "The Toolbelt Ringer." »

October 21, 2008

Os Mutantes.

"Yeah, I wrap King-Size Snickers bars in $20 bills and give those out." Tom, flaunting his money to trick-or-treaters
"I did stop when she told me to shoo, but I finished it later." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the happy ending to his window-loving interruptus with Sarah Palin
"But you know, she's only a kid. So I threw 9-volts wrapped in those marshmallow ducks, those PEEPS®. I didn't really hit her much." -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to reduce the impact of his Piper Palin projectile
"I'll tell ya what-os. I thought he was gonna reach right out and damn me to Hell-os!" -- Phillos Boyos Royos, fearing final judgment during the Pope's mast on Ben Franklin Parkway
"You didn't think I knew Latin, didyez-os?" -- Philly Boy Roy, proving he doesn't
"Well, they were dummies. They liked a band that s-ucked." -- Philly Boy Roy, justifying his 1979 whipping of Little River Band fans
"I haven't been this excited since the time I was elected Mayor of Newbridge next week." - Philly Boy Roy, displaying his Claire Voyantesque abilities to Tom the Nostradummy
"You just can't concentrate out there because all nem starlets and playas. It's like Philly x 2." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the Phillies's defeat in their first game in Weird-O-Wood
"I'm gonna rule that place with an iron hoagie. Oh yeah, better button down the hatchets, Newbridge." -- Philly Boy Roy, preparing residents for his imminent crowning
"Tom, please don't ban me. I'll send you a million dollars." -- Julie from Cincinnati, offering payola to remain on the air
"The H-Man is going to see Spamalot with his grandma tomorrow. Looks to be a nice outing." -- Best Show Facebook Poet Laureate, spending some more time with his family
"You know what-uh, I think you're-uh, doing a fake ... uh ... voice-uh. Heave-uh, Ho-uh, little creep-uh." -- Tom, dismissing a William F. Buckley impostor
"You say New Port Reggie, it's gotta be Florida, Tom!" -- Frederick's, touting his singular city
"Ringo has some sort of OCD where if you send him things, he has to sign them. It's like the leprechaun when you throw shoes at him." -- Paul F. Tompkins, defending the drummer's decision to ignore all fan requests

[More quotes to come.]

"Jim Beam, dude!" -- A member of Papa Roach, explaining why he was playing basketball on a Sunday afternoon

[TBSOWFMU - 10/14/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Exodus - "Bonded By Blood"

( Click here to buy Bonded By Blood)

Fire Party - "Are You On?

( Click here to buy 19 Songs)

Duchess Says - "Melon"

( Click here to buy Anthologie des 3 Perchoirs)

F'd Up - "Black Albino Bones"

( Click here to buy The Chemistry of Common Life)

Hank IV - "Feeding Me Back"

( Click here to buy Refuge in Genre)

Silkworm - "Dust My Broom"

( Click here to buy In the West)

The Rosebuds - "Bow to the Middle"

( Click here to buy Life Like)

Lois - "Stroll Always"

( Click here to buy Butterfly Kiss)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023-os:

Continue reading "Os Mutantes." »

October 12, 2008

Some Kind of Mobster.

"Funniest movie of the year!" - Neil Cavuto, blurbing the right-wing laffest An American Carol

[More quotes to come.]

"Yeah, and the hair is like short. I like my hair like a little longer. Yeah, my lover likes it longer, too." -- Todd Palin, lamenting his style-cramping makeover
"Dude, you haven't even seen me on 7 yet. When I'm on 11, I'm like, you know, Hurricane Catalina." -- Todd Palin, putting Milt Robley's pleas for moderation into proper perspective
"Yeah, I still get down. Face down. In the snow. Both kinds." -- Todd Palin, staking claim to his snowblind youth
"Did you guys see Sarah Palin last night, HAAAAH? Wasn't she great, HAAAAAH? Didn't she do great at the debate, HAAAAH?" -- Sen. John McLame, driving Todd Palin up the wall
"Oh yeah, if the face and the bod didn't go with it -- seeuh! S'uh!" -- Todd Palin, indicating the key factors that balance out his wife's annoying voice
"She don't gotta read nothin'. I don't gotta read nothin' neither. What don't you not gotta read?" -- Todd Palin, dismissing the importance of newspapers
"Oh, come on, Sarah. He's rad." -- Todd Palin, attempting to turn Sarah onto the elusive charms of Jello Biafra
"Show Munch some respect, you munch." -- Todd Palin, demanding that Tom give his due to the competitive eater/Nazi detective
"Reagan's bong?! Reagan was not a pot smoker!" -- Tom, questioning the existence of a piece supposedly on display in the subterranean United States Vault
"That's my #1 mission. I want to get him herbal by Inoculation Day. Yeah." -- Todd Palin, setting a timetable for his quest to hook McLame on crippler
"You've shocked me, Todd Palin." -- Tom, commenting on the cumulative effect of the First Dude's series of rebulations
"A guy onstage playing a guitar shaped like a foot. I'm gonna say 'no,' that's not as good." -- Tom, rejecting Todd Palin's suggestion that Ron "Bumblefoot" Thal is a better axeman than Slash
"His big thing is hypnotizing for sex now. Yeah, he's teachin' me how to do it. I don't need to do it on Sarah, though. She's rabid." -- Todd Palin, learning valuable skills from the unscrupulous Phil Towle
"Are you really afraid of growing a beard because you think rats are gonna make their home in it when you're on the potty?" -- Todd Palin, asking Tom to confirm the latest release from the files of Dr. Fred Meyers
"There's a small chance I might've screwed stuff up for the ticket. Oh, man." -- Todd Palin, realizing that he talked too much smack on live radio
"I could always spin this like I was, you know, on DayQuil or something. That's what I'll do right now, yeah. I'm on DayQuil." -- Todd Palin, blaming his behavior on cold medication
"Dump this guy." -- Todd Palin, heave-ho-ing a caller looking for moose meat recipes

[TBSOWFMU - 10/7/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Marnie Stern - "Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads"

( Click here to buy This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That)

Baby Shakes - "Now I Know"

( Click here to buy The First One)

The Replacements - "Nowhere Is My Home"

( Click here to buy the Tim reissue)

Branch Manager - "Talk To Me Sometime"

( Click here to buy Anything Tribal)

Love Child - "He's So Sensitive"

( Click here to buy Okay?)

Odes - "Underwire"

( Click here to buy Me and My Big Mouth)

Tracy Shedd - "Whatever It Takes"

( Click here to buy Cigarettes & Smoke Machines)

Horse Feathers - "Working Poor"

( Click here to buy House With No Home)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Some Kind of Mobster." »

September 30, 2008

Where's Poppa?

"I would like to apologize to the fine people at Arby's for implying that this conversation could take place at an Arby's." - Tom, relieving the fast foodery of the responsibility for hosting the Spike/Julie summit
"Please stick around ... please stick around." - Brad in Newbridge, begging the Foo Fighters to remain active
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I was talking to Bryant Gumball or Keith Olderman." -- Brad, comparing Tom to the television journalists for suggesting that he should know the names of all four Foos
"It kicks ass. Killer! Oh, awesome!" - Brad, rejoicing at the modern rock stylings of Hinder
"Hey, come on, man. I'm only 34 years old. I got a whole life ahead of me." - Brad, justifying his rash decision to transform "Mount Foomore" into "Hinder Hill"
"You know what you might want to do before you become a member of the Hinder Army? Try becoming a Hinder Album Owner." -- Tom, urging Brad to do further research before committing to his new favorite band
"Sweeeeeeeeet!" -- Steve from NoHo, expressing too many sugary approvals for Tom's "Yay" votes
"It's not just that he wanted a croquet mallet. It's that he wanted a croquet mallet immediately." -- Tom, marveling at the minimalist beauty of the H-Man's Facebook status updates

[More quotations to come.]

"I don't even care about it now. I'm gonna cancel the tour, I think." -- Chris Langstrom, crying on the inside after Tom blows the lid off the reconciliation with his long-lost father
"What're you doing to my son?! What're you fillin' his head with? Lies!" -- Rod Langstrom, accusing Tom of re-opening old family wounds
"Well, it's still gonna be the classiest porn site out there. Oh yeah, all the models are gonna wear the finest rubies and emerils." -- Rod Langstrom, promoting his new venture on
"Crack a triple album much? Doesn't sound like you do." -- Rod Langstrom, questioning Tom's knowledge of prog rock
"History's full of guys who left their kids much older than me. Lincoln." -- Rod Langstrom, justifying his absentee parenting with some surprising Presidential trivia
"It's lingerie. And it's tasteful and denim. No one else is doin' it. Is there? You don't know anyone else who's doin' it, do you?" -- Rod Langstrom, confirming that he's captured a niche market
"The guys in Yes? Incredibly cruel. They'd whip you and laugh at you ... while you're bleeding." -- Rod Langstrom, revealing the violence that fueled the legendary band
"Look, I'll take my chances with Steve Howe. For some reason that does not scare me." -- Tom, preparing to do battle with Yes's most daunting whipper
"What a night. WHAT A NIGHT! I LOVE THIS DIRTY RADIO STATION!!!" -- Tom, declaring his affection for the pride of Newbridge Junior High

[TBSOWFMU - 9/23/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Boston Spaceships - "Zero Fix"

( Click here to buy Brown Submarine)

The Ettes - "Girls Are Mad"

( Click here to buy Look at Life Again)

Billy Childish and Holly Golightly - "Upside Mine"

( Click here to buy In Blood)

Julie Ruin - "The Punk Singer"

( Click here to buy Julie Ruin)

Adrenalin O.D. - "Suburbia" (live on "The Pat Duncan Show" in 1982)

( Click here to buy The Wacky Hi-Jinks of ...)

Probot (ft. Mike Dean) - "Access Babylon"

( Click here to buy Probot)

The Wax Museums - "Locked in the Mall"

( Click here to buy The Wax Museums)

Gem - "Your Heroes Hate You"

( Click here to buy Hexed)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Where's Poppa?" »

September 16, 2008

Tennenbaum to Treason.

"Come back, fun! How did you leave me within 30 seconds?!" - Tom, delivering the punchline to his classic sitcom joke
"Mike said he was donating to the Pharoah Sanders Fund." -- Tom, questioning his Associate Producer's suspicious "charitable contributions" to the jazz saxophonist via Tunes in Hoboken
"I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea that this person would fall out of the sky and be the running mate of the oldest President in history." - Tom, lending his support to upstart politician Sarah Palin
"I'm good at slot machines. I'm great at air hockey." -- Tom, touting his skills while in the throes of a losing streak
"You know why we gotta drop the '-ling' out of your name? People in the Southeast are gonna think you're Chinese, and they got no time for that." - Dave from Knoxville, attempting to make Tom and The Best Show safer for a less tolerant market
"Because of the drum solo it allowed me time to ... uh ... get serviced." - Gene Simmons, citing the purpose of keeping "100,000 Years" in the Kiss setlist
"Most are ... most don't." -- Gene Simmons, agreeing that the loyal Kiss fans are worthless slobs who have nothing going on in their pitiful lives
"It's War Paint during the show and then, of course, afterwards when my sessions start, it becomes Love Paint." - Gene, providing the proper terminology for his Kiss makeup
"Hey, Davy! Good show tonight. I didn't know it was a private event." -- An excited Davy Jones fan marvels at his good fortune
"Uh, it seems kinda self-explanatory. I assume it's about gay pimpin'." -- Tom, identifying the premise of the popular Gay Pimpin' with Jonny McGovern podcast
"All she needed was a wet cloth, and she'd start waterboarding a two-year-old." -- Tom, calling out an unhinged Best Buy employee for harassing and torturing a frightened child
"Kid Rock. That creepy facial hair would never cut it in the National Guard. Some guy shows up with that dumb hat on? That dumb hat 'cause he's goin' bald?" -- Tom, declaring the aging rap-rocker and ersatz warrior unfit for military service
"Yeah, what is it, uh, shampoo?" -- Tom, zinging Tyler from the LES with a guess of what he thinks the world could do without
"Women of Newbridge, as your future mayor I command you to kneel around me and feed me Peanut Chews like nem scantily-clad compupines used to feed grapes to their masters back in classical music days." - Philly Boy Roy, sending an important message to female voters
"I wanna make Newbridge the world's largest car wash. Bottomless." -- Philly Boy Roy, unveiling his plans to convert the town into a single erotic business
"Do we really want a guy who couldn't even fly his plane roight to be President? That sets a bad president for the future, don't it?" - Philly Boy Roy, expressing concerns about John McClain's subpar aviation display in Vietcong
"Yeah, there's a shocker. A shirtless guy wearing a football helmet with a baseball cap underneath it holding the hood of a car with some obscene painting on it." - Tom, summarizing the sartorial and artistic offenses that led to Philly Boy Roy's ejection from a Hilton hotel lobby
"I hunt moose!" - Philly Boy Roy, revealing the surprising circumstances of his shocking encounter with Sarah Palin in the Alaskan wilderness
"Well, it took me two weeks to mesmerize 'em all. See, it's easier when you mesmerize 'em. Yeah. I get a little, um, I don't know, tripped up with some words sometimes." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his strategy for narrating Encyclopedia Britannica entries

[TBSOWFMU - 9/9/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Portastatic - "Trajectory"

( Click here to buy Some Small History)

The Cute Lepers - "Nervous Habits"

( Click here to buy Can't Stand Modern Music)

Skid Row - "Riot Act"

( Click here to buy Slave to the Grind)

Trumans Water - "Outpatient Lightspeed"

( Click here to buy Godspeed the Punchline)

Archers of Loaf - "Wrong"

( Click here to buy Icky Mettle)

Prisonshake - "Favorite Hospital"

( Click here to buy Dirty Moons)

Bailter Space - "Retro"

( Click here to buy Wammo)

Mouserocket - "All Been Broken"

( Click here to buy Pretty Loud)

Bonus Track:

Cock Sparrer - "I Got Your Number"

( Click here to buy TLRx's Rapid Response EP)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Tennenbaum to Treason." »

September 2, 2008


The following is the long version of The Art of the Slap press bio that I wrote in early 2007. It had been disenfranchised from its former online location, but it has a home now. This post is part of the ongoing The Best Show on WFMU World Domination Scheme: Phase I media tour that has made recent stops at New York's Vulture blog, The Onion A.V. Club, and The Stranger. Join the effort at Friends of Tom, listen to every Tuuuuesday night installment from 8 - 11 p.m, and subscribe to the podcast in your iTunes machine.


On a fateful night back in early 1997, WFMU disc jockey Tom Scharpling and his comedy partner Jon Wurster orchestrated what they thought would be a one-off goof. Wurster called Scharpling's radio program posing as Ronald Thomas Clontle, the author of Rock, Rot & Rule, a highly-dubious and aggressively idiotic tome that promised to be the "ultimate argument settler" by filing every musical artist into one of three vague categories - "rock", "rot", or "rule."

The phones exploded with angry and baffled callers falling right into the duo's comedic trap. Scharpling navigated the ruse with expert faux incredulity, while Wurster plowed ahead undeterred, as Clontle's bizarre justifications (David Bowie and Neil Young rot because of "too many changes") and blatant inaccuracies ("Madness invented ska") stirred up endless, unsettled arguments. A tape of the call started making the rounds and soon became an underground hit, especially with touring rock bands. To meet the demand, Scharpling and Wurster formed Stereolaffs Records and released Rock, Rot & Rule on CD in 1999.

Continue reading "TBSOWFMUWDS: P1." »

August 26, 2008

Balance Buddies.

"And I guess general skulking also burns off calories, right?" -- Tom, inquiring about a key component of Spike's workout regimen
"Look, I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing I can do about the wiring in your head. The connections you're gonna make? I can't do nothin' about that." -- Tom, declining to do any electrical work for Julie from Cincinnatti
"I hope he can DIG DEEP and somehow pull it out. As long as they hook up a spigot of Diet Coke that guy will keep going." -- Tom, rooting for $2.5 million/year radio Mike Francesa to somehow carry on without the departing Dawg
"Oops! Uh oh! [giggling fit] Sorry." -- Philly Boy Roy, apologizing for using the non-functional Newbridge Debate Pavilion restrooms
"Some describe Newbridge as something like a fantasy land, so it's not surprising that we've got more candidates than Snow White had dwarves. What? Nothing on that one? Nothing." - Tom, silencing the crowd at the NDP with an ill-advised joke in his opening remarks
"LET'S GET THE PIT GOING THE OTHER WAY! COME ON!! COME ON!!!! THIS. PIT. IS. WEAK! " -- Hammerhead, putting his mayubernatorial platform into action to the sounds of Minor Threat
"And how did I break the ground? With a drumstick. I used it as a hoe. And then I used it as a shovel. And then I used it as a pickaxe." -- Marky Ramone, revealing the only tool necessary to begin constructing his Newbridge amusement pawk
"You don't know what you're talkin' about, man. Crack a comet boot much? Don't sound like ya do." -- Marky Ramone, dismissing Tom as a literadummy in need of sedation
"At one point Simeon, the main judge, he turned from the camera because he was crying 'cause I was so good, and I touched him so." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., recounting his powerful American Idol audition performance of "Eat It"
"Yeah, I guess it means that whatever's in that basket, which is made from ham, is traveling downwards, you know, to the Hell region." -- Zachary Brimstead, explaining the new phrase he overhead at a handburger stand
"Geez, I don't know, if you're lookin' for a job, you might wanna go to Eastbridge." -- Zachary Brimstead, offering a "solution" to the problem of jobs being lured to surrounding towns with corporate tax breaks
Like y'know how like three out of the like 135 like stoplights in Newbridge work and the rest of 'em don't and stuff? Maybe we should like fix that stuff and stuff? -- Pudge Palfner, sort of proposing a plan to restore order to the Newbridge roadways
"It just ain't roight. I guess ArmandGeddy can't be too far off, huh?" -- Philly Boy Roy, predicting an epic catastrophe spurred by Domino's entering the sub sandwich business
"Schuylkill Expressway, drink a case. Route 309, drink a case. Roosevelt Boulevard, drink a case. Sumneytown Pike, drink a case. Lansdowne Avenue, drink a case." -- Philly Boy Roy, running through a simulation of his new mandatory drinking game called Cold Case
"What was Jeff Robinov thinking?! He's gotta keep the entire Warner Brothers family in the loop on this one! Si? I mean, can you deny that?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, wondering how the WB Pictures President could have failed to notify Entertainment Weekly of the release date change for the next Harry Potter film
"Judging by those previews, it looks like once again Hollywood has totally nailed what it's like to be in a band, yes?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, preparing to revel in the authenticity of The Rocker
"Please, again, people, these are not the issues. It does not matter that David Gordon Green did comedy now with Pineapple Express." Tom, trying to put an end to the frequent pop culture diversions
"Oh and the second thing would also be to barge the you-know-whos." -- Timmy von Trimble, sliding a predictable slat in his platform
"And, uh, this comes from the heart when I say you are absolutely, without a doubt, the least fit person in this town to run for mayor. You're a sick person who should be treated and possibly caged. If not barged." -- Dr. Fred Meyers, declaring Tom unfit for public office
"Yeah, well that was something that a supervillain came up with, and is not something that is a good idea." -- Tom, criticizing Dr. Meyer's plan to spray an anti-psychotic mist throughout the streets of Newbridge a la The Joker '89
"Because he's fat, and if he sets off that bomb, lots of people are going to die." -- Associate Producer Mike, justifying his plan to ban Little Mikey Halversom from Newbridge Little League
"I was doing like a Dracula thing. I thought kids would like that." -- Bob, obscuring his face to deliver one of his prerecorded takes
"I have never felt less involved in this town ... like I could not have the pulse of this town figured out less." -- Tom, finding himself on the political margins after the crowd applauds Hammerhead's pro-police-brutality stance
"It's all in the delivery, fat face." -- Philly Boy Roy, diagnosing Tom's problem after killing with his punchline-only version of the Snow White joke
"I would say that probably my ... my biggest thing .. my biggest concern would be how to keep you dead." -- Thor, making the most of his limited airtime

[TBSOWFMU - 8/19/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

The Cows - "Heave Ho"

( Click here to buy Cunning Stunts)

Chronic Sick - "There Goes The Neighbourhood"

( Click here to procure the Cutest Band in Hardcore EP)

Game Theory - "Throwing the Election"

( Click here to buy 2 Steps from the Middle Ages)

Mark Sultan - "We're Sinking"

( Click here to buy The Sultanic Verses)

Baby Astronauts - "Fishing Song"

( Click here to buy All the Poncakes You Can Eat)

Pierced Arrows - "The Wait"

( Click here to buy Straight To The Heart)

Love Child - "Something Cruel"

( Click here to buy Witchcraft)

Wale - "The Perfect Plan"

( Click here to download The Mixtape About Nothing)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Balance Buddies." »

August 19, 2008

The H-Man Cometh.

No, it's not from the movie. Did that sound like Christine Baranski? Sick." -- Tom, assuring everyone that he played the legit ABBA version of "Does Your Mother Know"
"Oh, absolutely not." -- Spike, informing Tom that John McCain is not running as a Democrat
"Trust me, you want to convince people in Oklahoma to vote for Barack Obama, don't send a bunch of New Yorkers out there, people from the East Village going door-to-door." -- Tom, persuading Cynthia not to ruin the election by invading red states
"It's time to stop with the art. Seriously, people, there's enough art out there. The world needs ditch diggers, too." - Tom (via Judge Smails), getting his fill with a painting of Baby Stewie's murderous fontasies
"Let me, uh, God, what do you kids says, Goople it?" - Dr. Fred Meyers, attempting to research the status of Dire Straits
"Only if my TV set is off and there's a pornographic image on it, yeah." - Dr. Fred Meyers, confirming that his computer monitor is turned on
"Look you old chintz, you needed my help." - Dr. Fred Meyers, billing Tom at his usual $200/rate for an unsolicited 2 cents worth of advice
"You know that you are raw. You are a lump of clay. And I am going to mold you tonight. Will you let me mold you? Can I shape you? -- Tom, getting approval to sculpt his radio Adonis
"I can't understand you, WALL-E. Say Eeeee-vah. Say that." - Tom, dealing with Skype static during Jeff Weigand's anti-Maxwell's rant
"Not that you know of?! What are you all of a sudden gonna accidentally realize you know ventriloquism? That's the kind of thing you'd know about. You kind of set out to become a ventriloquist. Ahhh, what's going on here?! This dummy's talking and my mouth isn't moving!" -- Tom, speculating on the H-Man's dormant talents
"I definitely recommend it because they just add so much blood from necks, and it's all that good stuff. Cannibalism. It's amazing." -- The H-Man, bonding with Spike over the gloriously gory Sweeney Todd
"Oh, you roll. Jeepers! Oh my God, I didn't know I was talking to someone that actually rolls and had a pattern of rolling." -- Bryce, rejoicing about discovering a DIY doobie partner
"It varies between like intense concentration and something I don't really want to talk about. But as Conrad Bain says, 'Diff'rent strokes for people who are un ... uh ... alike.'" -- Bryce, describing Tom's facial expression while playing video games

[Many more quotes to come.]

"Get Off My Phone ... please." -- The H-Man, politely terminating a call

[TBSOWFMU - 8/12/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

The Lines - "White Night"

( Click here to buy Memory Span)

Digital Leather - "Modulated/Simulated"

( Click here to buy Sorcerer)

The Intelligence - "Sailer Dive"

( Click here to buy Deuteronomy)

Finest Dearest - "Serious"

( Click here to buy Finest Dearest)

Oxford Collapse - "Back of the Yards"

( Click here to buy Bits)

Pas/Cal - "Little Red Radio"

( Click here to buy I Was Raised On Matthew, Mark, Luke & Laura)

Sic Alps - "Sing Song Waitress"

( Click here to buy U.S. EZ)

Mirah - "Don't Go"

( Click here to buy The Old Days Feeling)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "The H-Man Cometh." »

August 12, 2008

Sean and Freud.

"The show is the show." -- Tom, issuing an important reminder amidst conflicting priorities
"The H-Man. Looks like I'm going to have to train him!" -- Spike, booking Tom's protégée for an appointment in the dungeon
"She doesn't hate men, she's just an idiot." -- Spike, refusing to support Katie Couric as Barack Obama's Vice-Presidential running mate
"What is this, Meatballs? Suddenly I'm Morty? Next day I'll find myself asleep out on a bed in the middle of the lake. I'm not Morty." -- Tom, terminating his brief employment as a weekend camp counselor
"You can hunt people in this mall." -- Tom, touting the paintball war zone in West Nyack's version of Heaven
"I WANT THESE CHANNELS OFF MY SYSTEM ... NOW! ... The little things in life SUUUCK!" -- Spike, demanding a la carte cable options instead of packages with fringe networks like ESPN
"I don't need to post on FOTChan to say: NO." - Ted, declining to hire Gavin Rossdale to produce the forthcoming Six-String Warrior
"The day I buy a CD from Starbucks is a day I open up a vein and bid this world goodbye." -- Jason, raging against the machine (unless they stock Stevie Blue vinyl)
"Yeah, like a big is a small, a large is a medium, and then the bigger's a large." -- Philly Boy Roy, running through Wawa's eccentric cup sizes
"I'll get it, I'll get it. Shush your face." - Philly Boy Roy, claiming that he will eventually be able to say mayluganadawiltonorial without Tom's aid
"Spend more time with my family?! Good God, no. I can barely stand them now! They're driving me nuts." -- Philly Boy Roy, maintaining his political aspirations as an escape from the long, hot Ziegler summer
"Everyone has satin sheets up there, right? Even the bums have satin sheets from what I've heard. I'm sorry: hobos." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the origin of NYC's little-known "Satin City" nickname
"Dad, make it stop shockin' me. I'm about to pass out." - Roy, Jr., begging his father to disable one of the punishments on Radio Hut's Music Group
"Okay, wait for me to go get another sixer of Yuengling from Wawa. I'll be back in like 40." -- Philly Boy Roy, agreeing to do it after completing an errand
"Oh my God, it's like you're David Coppertone or something. The Amazing Krestskin." -- Philly Boy Roy, marveling at Tom's ability to guess his brilliant SEPERATED AT BERTH headline
"Chocolatier? Why'd I be afraid of a chocolatier? I've been kicking chocolatiers' asses since I was a kid." -- Philly Boy Roy, denying that he is afraid of the Norwegians who have invaded Newbridge
"Okay, I won't even talk about the stabbins or the time I was selling 'shrooms ... at church." -- Philly Boy Roy, declining to further discuss the reasons he is persona au gratin with the Republican Party
"You never know. You never ever ever know, do youse?" - Philly Boy Roy, creepily suggesting that he will orchestrate Tom's murder from his throne
"The idea of you singing me a song is going to knock you straight back into the Stone Age with your comeback." -- Tom, warning Steve from North Hollywood against performing his Best Show mash-up of Queen's Flash Gordon theme
"I want this show to go off the air when it's still fresh. Yeah, like the way Happy Days did, you know what I mean? Happy Days got out while it was still HOT. Like Gunsmoke got out before they wore out their welcome. You know what I mean? Shows like that. You know, shows that didn't hang around too long. Right? Like The Secret Diary of Desmond Pa-feiffer. Shows like that. Get out before you burn people out." -- Tom, finding inspiration for his exit strategy

[TBSOWFMU - 8/5/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Volcano Suns - "White Elephant"

( Click here to tell Taang! to bring it)

fIREHOSE - "Brave Captain"

( Click here to buy Ragin', Full 'On)

Husker Dude - "Masochism World"

( Click here to buy Zen Arcade)

Redd Kross - "Burn-Out"

( Click here to buy Born Innocent)

The Geraldine Fibbers - "Seven Or In 10"

( Click here to buy Butch)

The Frogs - "Ocean Tide"

( Click here to buy The Frogs)

The Fluid - "Our Love Will Still Be There"

( Click here to buy Glue/Roadmouth)

Scala Girls Choir - "Teenage Dirtbag" (Wheatus cover)

( Click here to buy On The Rocks)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Sean and Freud." »

August 5, 2008

The Unfixables.

"Uh, maybe you've heard of The Battle of Shaker Heights? Anyone? Hello?" - Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on the early Shia LaBoof classic

[More to come.]

"I want you to think about Dogmo before you say anything else you might regret at some point, okay?" -- Dr. Fred Meyers, urging caution as Tom enters his Joyspace
"And this Gabby from Winnipeg? You just let her go like the instant she didn't fit your needs. This is terrible." -- Dr. Meyers, discovering that Tom is not making good progress
"This isn't about that doctor-patient privilege thing, is it?" -- Dr. Meyers, wondering if Tom is concerned about the common law jurisdiction that expires after retirement
"Instead of trying to slash your brother's face with a steak knife, I want you to transmute those feelings of absolute hatred into feelings of absolute pleasure, okay?" -- Dr. Meyers, asking Tom to draw on his newfound tools to avoid the violence of the fudge-fueled, blind rage of his youth
"You know how you're afraid of using public restrooms? Well, he's afraid of using any restroom." -- Dr. Meyers, revealing the affliction of Bryan Jenkins, his former Wednesday 2:30
"Lots of real men have high voices. I just can't think of any of them right now." -- Dr. Meyers, trying to let Tom know that he doesn't have to use a voice modulator
"Well, I did my best. I can't help it if they're completely deranged." -- Dr. Meyers, leaving his unfixable customers to fend for themselves in the psycho trenches
"I'M NOT GOING TO CLOSE MY EYES!" -- Tom, informing his former therapist that he will not go under hypnosis on live radio
"I'm dialing Officer Harrups right now. I'm gonna tell him that you once confessed to killing a migrant work out at Newbridge Farms just to see what it would feel like. They never found the body." -- Dr. Meyers, threatening payback for Tom's refusal to give him Dr. J's phone number
"I think Tom's former shrink needs one himself. That guy was bloody nuts." -- Spike, making a very lucid point on the FOT Board, 8/1/2008

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 7/29/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Guided By Voices - "A Visit To The Creep Doctor"

( Click here to buy Sandbox)

The Fastbacks - "Fortune's Misery"

( Click here to buy New Mansions In Sound)

Sebadoh - "Sister"

( Click here to buy the Bubble & Scrape reissue)

Ponytail - "Sky Drool"

( Click here to buy Ice Cream Spiritual!)

Sic Alps - "Message From The Law"

( Click here to buy A Long Way Around To A Shortcut)

Julie Ocean - "At The Appointed Hour"

( Click here to buy Long Gone and Nearly There)

Wednesday Week - "Perspective"

( Click here to buy the What We Had reissue)

Biff Bang Pow! - "Wouldn't You"

( Click here to buy Waterbomb - The Best Of Biff Bang Pow!)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "The Unfixables." »

July 29, 2008

Brimley Bites.

"Heeeelllloooo, Patton. [demented laughing]" -- Spike, fulfilling Tom's request to creep out/delight one of his biggest fans
"I think he just signed to Just Blaze's record label. He might be a robot, though." -- DJ RiyadhCinnabon Is Not Good To Eat, questioning the construction of D.C. hip-hot artist, Wale.
"What's that, 'Surfin' Bird'? Hey Glenn, he's doing Surfin' Bird!" -- Tank, mistaking Tom's impression of his Halversom-induced stammering for a cover of The Trashmen's hit
"I come here to whip it. I'm not comin' here to end up in second place. I'm not here for second place! I'm here to whip it!" -- Tom, explaining why he had to cut off Laurie's Pitchfork Festival acceptance speech
"Chewin' means you're doing great. Bitin' means you're doing bad." -- B.J. Bryson, helping Tom assess his state of being using his Brysonisms
"Well, it's more like scalding. Nah, I guess technically it is burning because there was bubbling also." -- B.J. Bryson, recalling the injuries caused by buttled projectiles at his legendary Disco Bites
"I'm an equal-opportunity stirrer." -- B.J. Bryson, touting his rallies against Presidential candidates from any political party
"Somehow he used both his hands and like he was bare-bottomed for a second. It was very odd. I'm not sure if I want to be involved with this guy. Of course I do." -- B.J. Bryson, embracing new radio partner Ronald Fuqua moments after he disses Tom with an extremely obscene gesture
"I'm garbage, but if no one else is around, I'm here." -- Tom, analyzing the depressing undercurrent of ABBA's "Take A Chance On Me"
"This guy sounds like he's winded in it, like he just ran a lap before he went into the studio. Like he's doing James Bond stunts and then getting behind the mic." -- Tom, critiquing Pierce Brosnan's best take of ABBA's "SOS"

[Many more quotations to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 7/22/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Kati Kovacs - "Add Már Uram az Esöt!"

( Click here to buy Well Hung - 20 Funk Rock Eruptions From Beneath Communist Hungary Vol. 1)

Melvins - "The Kicking Machine"

( Click here to buy Nude With Boots)

Faith No More - "Digging The Grave"

( Click here to buy King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime)

Maybe It's Reno - "Drunk Pilot"

( Click here to buy Maybe It's Reno)

Eat Skull - "Punk Trips"

( Click here to buy Sick To Death)

The Dutchess & The Duke - "Out of Time"

( Click here to buy She's the Dutchess, He's the Duke)

Gentleman Jesse & His Men - "Hands Together"

( Click here to buy Gentleman Jesse)

Silkworm - "Lily White & Cherry Red"

( Click here to buy the Chokes! EP)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Brimley Bites." »

July 8, 2008

The Working Man.

"If Dave has me eating meat other than people meat, GOMP him." -- Ted, taking a stand on his potential vegan lapse in "The World Is in the Turlet" video, via IM
"I like that you didn't challenge that also. You accepted that you possess the power to creep people out." -- Tom, noting Spike's embrace of his most obvious and effective superpower
"I like Adam Sandler, but I don't like his movies." -- Spike, offering an odd declaration of fandom for the film star
"You can't cuff a ghost." -- Tom, pointing out the perils of police responding to paranormal activity
"My God, that call was straight outta the Exorcist II: The Her-etic or something, wasn't it?" -- Darren Ploppleton, linking Officer Tom's ghost story to the horror sequel
"Uhhh. You are Zoso stupid, Tom." -- Darren, dissing Tom for not knowing about Jimmy Page's new medical practice
"Can you imagine going down to Jimmy Page's office, and all the nurses are like preppin' you for your like vasectomy or whatever, and you and Pagey are jammin' on 'Black Dogs'?" -- Darren, pondering one of the bonuses of having a guitar hero doctor
"You know, it seems like if I won, which I probably would, I just wouldn't get to spend any time with my family." -- Darren, joining the growing roster of Mayubernatorial dropouts
"It isn't because I'm growing dreadlocks, and you're not, is it?" -- Darren, trying to figure out why Tom is mad at him
"It's almost like the Hilter-Jesus Alliance." -- Darren, referencing an unlikely historical pairing to highlight the irony inherent in his The Spackler-Smails Alliance band
"Come on, we have a song called 'Doody!'" -- Darren, begging Tom to reenact the Caddyshack Baby Ruth pool scene during the debut TS-SA performance at The Lunchpad
"I think you'll be way, way, way down if you don't let Sven take that job." -- Darren, warning Tom about the ramifications of not relinquishing his double-C job to Sven Halversom
"I was like, 'Wow, who is this band? Who's that guy with the big nose and the hair?' Actually, I was like, "Who was that lady with the big nose and the big hair." - Michael K, getting his first glimpse of Mrs. Geddy Lee at a late-1970s Rush show in The Pitts
"I'm movin'. I'm movin' to Toronto. And no one can dissuade me from it." -- Tom, bearing a gift beyond price on the night of Canada's 141st birthday
"I should smear some liverwurst on it, let Dogmo go to town on it." -- Tom, concocting a plan to destroy Adrienne Barbeau's new vampire novel
"Yeah, he was you 30 years ago." -- Tom, schooling Tyler from the LES on David Peel
"I gotta say, we need to fill in the area between Wayne Gretzky and Mo Rocca." -- Tom, looking to populate the huge talent gulf between the Canadian hockey great and the American "fundit"
"It's actually hard for me to pinpoint which of them is more of a suck on the world's energy." -- Joanna from Portland, struggling to place Jared Leto above or below Harmony Korine
"You show up at any half respectable construction site wearing a Devo hat? You'll get beat by some guy with a nail gun. -- Tom, urging against the use of New Wave hardhats in actual work environments

[TBSOWFMU - 7/1/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Boris - "Laser Bean"

( Click here to buy Smile)

Granicus - "When You're Movin'"

( Click here to visit Granicus on Myplace!)

Made Out of Babies - "Buffalo"

( Click here to buy The Ruiner)

Unrest - "Can't Sit Still" (from Tink of S.E.)

( Click here to buy Unrest recordings)

Epoxies - "Molded Plastic"

( Click here to buy Epoxies)

Sybris - "Burnout Babies"

( Click here to acquire Into the Trees)

Liz Phair - "Stratford-on-Guy"

( Click here to buy the Exile in Guyville reissue)

Guided By Voices - "Dig Through My Window"

( Click here to buy The Pipe Dreams of Instant Prince Whippet)

Bonus Track:

Big Dipper - "Jet" (Wings cover)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "The Working Man." »

June 24, 2008

Everything In Its Right Place.

"Hello? Is this the program? I don't know. Do I start? I guess I can start. Is this it? No? It's not? Ok. I thought that was it. This is not the show? What's that guy pointing at me for? Supposed to start? Oh, it is the show. I'm sorry." -- A confused Gene, attempting to host The Best Show
"That ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch." -- Spike, vowing to thwart Hillary Clinton's plans to create a "Planet of the Women"
"They should charge him for that seat. Those are courtside seats he's tying up." -- Tom, looking to collect from the immobile, jerk-whistling Phil Jackson
"My stomach just said, 'Why are you calling?'" -- Tom, translating his growly greeting for Julie from Cincinnati
"I should go get a tetanus shot. Can you get tetanus from dirt? I'm probably addicted to cocaine now. I probably have a drug problem from getting that dirt in my mouth." -- Tom, pondering the consequences of the gusts of Brooklyn marching soil during the Death Cab for Cutie rock concert
"You know what? You got me, Brooklyn. How dare I step to you, think I could win. I lost. I lost. You win, Brooklyn. Congratulations. You did it." -- Tom, admitting defeating after a full-on monsoon sent him staggering like a cadaver to Enid's
"So then I'm sitting there eating a thing of fries and a bun with shredded iceberg lettuce and mustard on it. That's a lowpoint. I'm gonna say that's a lowpoint. True lowpoint." -- A deliriously hungry Tom, dining on a toppings sandwich at Five Brothers Guys in York, PA
They can fly! These guys can fly! But they choose to walk across the street and everybody with their fancy motorcars is stuck at their mercy." -- Tom, explaining the beauty of The Best Thing on Earth
"It was definitely sounds of like bears and people running away like in a funny way." -- Weirder Jon, catching some campers watching a camping movie
"Well, you could be the funny one. No one's really funny. I should stop talking." -- Liz from Chicago, inadvertently throwing NPR under the bus
"Art thieves? Art forgers? Elmyr de Hory?" -- Tom, speculating on Officer Tom Laurie's topic entry
"I'll go to Radio Disney, play songs from High School Musical. Get an interview with Zach and Cody. Make them have a "Beat It"-style knife fight." -- Tom, getting ready to not do the toilet talk
"I saw a thing on the Southern Weather Service that said the weather in Birmingham is hotter than the Devil's drawers." - Tom, penning a joke for possible sale to Bill Engvall
"It blew me out of the water. I was just devastated by it. I love the show, and the movie was just like Bukowski." -- The edgy Laura from Ridgewood (aka "The Jersey Spike"), expressing disgust at the misogynistic Sex and the City film
"He goes on Gregslist. I think that's the porn one. Craigslist is the normal one. He goes on Gregslist. There's some guy named Greg, who operates it from his jail cell." -- Tom, revealing the website "Mike" used to sell phone numbers obtained during his SatC opening night ruse
"No, I'm sweating right now. I just finished the legs and back.."-- A reinvigorated Petey Rollins, rising from the bongwater for intense P90X workouts
"It was a weird family telling a story about a weird family. I found myself strangely touched by it." -- Tom, double-dipping on Speed Racer in IMAX
"The World Is in the Turlet Plus 10 Catchy Toe-Tappers. That's my pitch for the album title." -- Tom, sending TLRx's career into the titular turlet

[TBSOWFMU - 6/17/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Iron Maiden - "Wasted Years"

( Click here to buy Somewhere In Time)

Compulsive Gamblers - "Way I Feel About You"

( Click here to buy Crystal Gazing Luck Amazing)

Prisonshake - "Always Almost There"

( Click here to buy The Roaring Third)

Olivelawn - "Major Label Blues"

( Click here to buy Sophomore Jinx)

Bum Kon - "The Draft"

( Click here to buy Bum Kon)

Tilly and The Wall - "Dust Me Off"

( Click here to buy O)

Close Lobsters - "Pathetique"

( Click here to buy Foxheads Stalk This Land)

Vivian Girls - "All the Time"

( Click here to visit the Vivian Girls on Myspace)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:

Continue reading "Everything In Its Right Place." »

June 10, 2008

The Moment of Triumph.

"You cannot have the word 'turlet' in the song." -- Paul F. Tompkins, questioning Tom's chorus via IM
"You're really gonna make Ted sing 'turlet'?" - PFT, still in disbelief about 30 minutes before the World Premiere
"I never said this about one of my own songs before, but this song is amazing." -- Ted Leo, touting the completed turlet rock via IM

Big Steve is on the drum set
Counting it four by four
Little Jimmy jamming the six-string
Giving the people more
Count Violence bringing the low-end
Cuz that's all that he knows what to do
And my name's Ted
That's what I said

And the western world will perish in 15 years!!!!!!!!!

And then in the year 16, when the world is clean
Clean of this hipster scene
Well all their ghosts will scream for what their souls have seen
And the tapas they could have been eating

The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die

The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why

Come on!
Nothing to drink, I've got nothing to eat
I'm barely alive, I'm dead on my feet
The East River boiled and belched up a cadaver
The corpse walked to Enid's for a drink and some palaver

The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die

The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why

The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
And you don't ask why

I said
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
So give it a try

To Be!
My Moment!

[TBSOWFMU - 6/3/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Harvey Milk - "Barnburner"

( Click here to buy Life ... the Best Game in Town)

Bash & Pop - "Fast & Hard"

( Click here to buy Friday Night Is Killing Me)

Jucifer - "Blackpowder"

( Click here to buy L' Autrichienne)

Hot Snakes - "Why Does It Hurt"

( Click here to buy Suicide Invoice)

King's X - "I Don't Know"

( Click here to buy XV)

Monochrome Set - "The Jet Set Junta"

( Click here to buy The Independent Singles Collection)

For Against - "Don't Do Me Any Favors"

( Click here to buy Aperture)

The Spinanes - "Oceanside"

( Click here to buy Strand)


Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "The World Is in the Turlet"*

*Per several linguistics scholars, it's "turlet" -- accept no substitutes!

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the world perishes:

Continue reading "The Moment of Triumph." »

May 27, 2008

Crazy in Love.

"Help me with my interests! I'd like to buy records! I really want that new Husker Du album. Somebody, please, throw money into my milk jug so I can go record shopping!" -- A young Tom Scharpling, panhandling to fund his hobbies
"The wrestling, you know, I could take or leave unless it's, you know, wrestling beneath the sheets." -- Gene Simmons, supporting the bedroom-based form of the ancient sport
"Please. $5,000 is what I have in my pajamas." -- Gene Simmons, urging Tom to increase his guess on the amount of money in his bulging wallet
"Oh, Mr. Simmons ..." -- Tom, responding to Gene's desire to have his $3 billion rub against him
"Now I think he's running around Haight-Ashbury, looking for a bong. The Golden Bong." -- Tom, revealing the central quest in the new Indiana Jones pitcher
"No one likes that. Kurosawa didn't like Kurosawa." -- Tom, informing The Sixth Beatle that he's alone in his love for the Japanese filmmaker
"Greatness pours out of you like sweat out of Harry Knowles." -- Tom, comparing Weirder Jon's effortless calling skills to the profuse perspiration of the portly pundit
"This Hitler, thumbs all the way down on this guy, straight across the board -- nothing about this guy gets anything but a thumbs down. He is a grade. A. jerk." -- Tom, denouncing the Nazi leader after learning about his atrocities in an audio lecture series
"I like a lot of those Vivaldi tunes. He lays down some good stuff. Another good tunesmith: Beethoven. You might want to check him out. Good songwriter." -- Tom, praising some of his favorite classical hitmakers
"I need this so much less then you need it. I need this so much less than you need it. You can't do better than me, but I can do better than you." -- Tom, contemplating retirement after a caller mentions a trip to a brothel
"She's still tasty, I think. Even in those Grumpy Pants movies." -- Paul, finding continued appeal in mid-1990s Ann-Margaret
"I can't really express myself with words so I draw pitchers and then when I like stand up there and say them, it makes it look like I'm actually reading the words, but I'm just actually like saying what the pitchers say." -- Paul, explaining his peculiar method for translating his speech notes into verbal communication
"The princess and the hot guy, they ended up kinda living happily ever after, and they had a lot of sex and stuff." -- Paul, summarizing the exciting conclusion to the classic tale of Sergio de Burgerback
"Why? Because they exploded those four times?" -- Paul, wondering why Tom sided with Gwen on the perils of mixing fireworks and children
"You know some guy in Japan is paying like $30,000 for that." -- Paul, lamenting Bill's big score of a Dean Smith-autographed Season of Glass LP
"Well, you know, I've never felt that Gwen respected me, and who commands more respect than the Hulkster? I mean, some would argue Randall Savage does, but I don't think that's quite so." -- Paul, hoping to win back his wife via Hogan-delivered flowers
"She says it was just some fat guy in a headband and wrestling tights. I knew I should've hired Randall Savage." -- Paul, regretting his choice of wrestling legend
"I'm just so sorry and ... um ... basically here's what happened, alright: Tom Scharpling told me to take out that money that you reserved for the care of your sweet ma-ma and pa-pa." -- Paul, coming clean about why he raided Gwen's bank account
He forced me to do it. He's a sadist! Yeah, he's positively Draculian." -- Paul, noting the extreme ways that Tom exerts his influence
"Yeah, our family's pretty awesome. We haven't written any books or started any companies or anything, but ... we obviously don't know our Scarface, either." -- Bonnie, pointing out some minor shortcomings of her otherwise royal clan

[TBSOWFMU - 5/20/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Mudhoney - "Twenty Four"

( Click here to buy Superfuzz Bigmuff Deluxe Edition)

Cheveu - "Jacob's Fight"

( Click here to buy Cheveu)

Cheap Time - "People Talk"

( Click here to buy Cheap Talk)

Fastbacks - "The Jester"

( Click here to buy Fastbacks recordings)

Robert Pollard - "1 Years Old"

( Click here to buy Robert Pollard Is Off To Business)

Free Kitten - "Sea Sick"

( Click here to buy Inherit)

TMA - "You Crack Me Up"

( Click here to buy What's for dinner?)

Mudhoney - "Tales of Terror"

( Click here to buy The Lucky Ones)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Crazy in Love." »

May 20, 2008

Shredding Regimes.


"Maybe it's time. Maybe it's payday. Time for a payday. Turn this show into that Jimmy Parton show." -- Tom, considering monetizing his real radio empire
"Don't do this to me, ABBA box. Just go! Go! Come back. No, go! Just go. I cannot look at you." Tom, struggling to give his blue buddy the (temporary) boot
"More pizza, slave!" -- Problem children, demanding additional substenance at a birthday bash
"A lot of marble. A lot of marble went into that." - Tom, considering the amount of raw material required for the Pig Champion statue in Portland, OR.
"Mommy, the man with the laptop is staring at me! Now go get me a cookie!" -- Junior on Steroids, detecting Tom's gaze-holding challenge
"I can arrange for someone to re-arrange my schedule." - Spike, outsourcing the difficult task of freeing up enough time to make his WFMU hosting debut
"It would be so great if a hawk flew down and thought it saw like a boll weevil running on some guy's head. Aw, food! Eeee-awww! And like grabs the rug off his head." -- Tom, looking forward to a bird of prey Jamesing James at the Ted Leo Castle Clinton show
"You should pour maple syrup all over him." -- Ted Leo, contributing to his brothers' Unholy Childhood at a local IHOP
I'll be really honest -- it was very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile. Oh my god, we were so scared." -- Bill, misleading Tom about his mother's condition
"She was shredding their reams. They have a lot of reams to shred." -- Bill, explaining that his mom was super swamped with Newbridge Episcopalian's reams
"They're definitely all first editions. The copy I have of Slaughterhouse-Five -- it's in christine prediction. So perfect." - Bill, noting the condition of the Vonnegut book he got signed by Dick Francis
"Guess who it's signed by? All. four. members ... and Peter Benchley." -- Bill, revealing an unusual addition to his autographed The White Album
"You don't have to lie. You couldn't make it to the game, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal. - Tom, trying to coax Bill back towards the truth
"I'd been bad, and my Mommy put the tape on top of the fridge where I couldn't get it down." -- Bill, providing a reason for not bringing his advance copy of Tears for Fears's The Seeds of Love to school
"It doesn't have a clock, but I can keep in constant contact with Nassau." - Bill, noting one of the cool features of his high-death cell phone
"That guy has some bad bedside manner, doesn't he? He's rude." -- Bill, criticizing Dr. Gregory House's interactions with patients
"Thanks. Some friend you are. You sicken me." -- Bill, chiding Tom for lying about his arrival time for their pre-Prong Battler Butler meetup
"I said that I had stress throat, and, um, I was actually on a renaissance mission with Senator McCain." -- Bill, admitting the ruse he pulled on Old Man Dalrymple
"It sounds like your kind of losing enthusiasm for your own lying." - Tom, sensing Bill's fib fatigue
Yep. With my bass. - Bill, revealing how he entertained the troops in Iraq

[TBSOWFMU - 5/13/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Volcano Suns - "Sea Cruise"

( Click here to e-mail Taang! about delivering those supposed TBOY and ANLP re-issues)

Witch - "Disappear"

( Click here to buy Paralyzed)

Tad - "Flame Tavern"

( Click here to buy the documentary Busted Circuits & Ringing Ears)

Scrawl - "Breaker, Breaker"

( Click here to buy He's Drunk)

Q And Not U - "Lil' Sparky"

( Click here to buy No Kill No Beep Beep)

We Ragazzi - "Being Alive Is Like Vandalizing"

( Click here to buy Suicide Sound System)

The Old Haunts - "Hurricane Eyes"

( Click here to buy Poisonous Times)

Hard Skin - "Desperation Street"

( Click here to buy Live and Loud!! & Skinhead)

Bonus Track:

Wellwater Conspiracy - "Born With A Tail"

Nu är det dags för oss att samlas och fira de saker vi gillar och tycker är kul:

Continue reading "Shredding Regimes." »

May 13, 2008

Deicide 2008.

"Yeah, she's dead! She's not involved in this election. You goofball." -- Tom, informing Spike that hardcore feminist Andrea Dworkin will not impact the 2008 Presidential race
"You know, 'cause he's like an old-time Viking, he knows all the ways of the old-time Vikingery ways of, uh, murdering." -- Rodney from Newbridge, revealing why Hägar the Doo-Wopper easily disposed of a member of The Moonglows
"Show me a logo that's dumber than a leprechaun promoting a basketball team." -- Tom, denouncing the basketball-spinning, pipe-smoking, vest-wearing, shillelagh-wielding Celtics mascot
"We're skewing old. I gotta skew young. What am I going to do to skew young tonight? Grand Theft Auto, y'all! What up?!" -- Tom, getting things back on track after a diversion into doo wop, Wacky Packs, and Murphy beds
"That's kind of a metaphor for my life, actually. Bad onion rings at Holsten's." -- Ted Leo, encapsulating his existence via subpar Sopranos communion wafers
"Oh, I wish I was making up Disco Fries." -- Tom, lamenting the sad truth about New Jersey's take on poutine

[More to come.]

"Oh, come on! The wall's buckling, you idiot." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., expressing frustration at Mike's inability to squeeze him through the studio doorframe
"Oh, yeah. It's good when it ripens." -- ZB, touting the fermented egg salad atop a six-week-old submarine sandwich
"They're easier to hose out that way. We got them from the local horse racing track." -- ZB, explaining his decision to use metal buckets as serving vessels at his new Brimstead's eateries
"He beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund." -- ZB on Weird Walter's weapon of choice in the new Trent L. Strauss production
"That oil is oily, yeah. A lot of my lovers have complained about it." -- ZB on the extreme slickness of his preferred lubricant
"Thought Police in effect, here they are! Yeah. You're worse than Officer Harrups." -- ZB, condemning Tom for waving off the second verse of Napalm Death's anti-corporate screed, "Polluted Minds"
"Well, I'll make that headache go away right now! Answer me one question: Do ya love Deicide?" -- ZB, attempting to soothe Tom's pain with something from the Tampa, FL., death metal legends
"Maybe that guy there will sign my petition. He looked like a Nazi." -- ZB, considering a visit to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to get his 37th signature

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 5/6/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

King's X - "We Are Finding Who We Are" (for DfK)

( Click here to buy Faith Hope Love)

The Night Marchers - "Bad Bloods"

( Click here to buy See You In Magic)

Sloan - "Not A Kid Anymore"

( Click here to pre-order Parallel Play)

The Downsiders - "Goodnight Troll"

( Click here to visit Cole Marquis on the Myspace)

Thalia Zedek - "We Don't Go"

( Click here to buy Liars and Prayers)

Evangelista - "Truth Is Dark Like Outer Space"

( Click here to buy the Hello, Voyager)

The (F) Champs - "Lee Tom" (from "Second 7 inch")

( Click here to buy The F Champs Records)

Enslaved - "The Dead Stare" (for masterofsparks)

( Click here to buy Below The Lights )

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Deicide 2008." »

April 29, 2008

Philly Boy Paul.

"Actually, you must be listening down in Alabama. This line of mockery is not tracking." -- Tom, ending a riff about the Internet being unavailabe in the southern state
"Oh, it sounds great. It's like I'm gettin' crushed by the waves down at Barnegat." -- Philly Boy Roy, riding the reverb during his performance of "And We Danced"
"There will be slathering, why? Oh yeah, there will be squishing, too, yeah." -- Philly Boy Roy, detailing his plans for transferring Zachary Brimstead from his home to his Pacer
"He did hate me, actually. You know why? 'Cause I threw a stick of butter at him one night." -- PBR, explaining why "He Hate Me" hate him
"Ok, thought it'd be something else." - PBR, surprised to find out that San Francisco's XFL team was called the Demons
"Oh, Sahib, please just school me." -- PBR, requesting a lesson from renowned Yes scholar, Tom Scharpling
"Oh, yeah, I don't think we should have that. Because I don't think we should go in and get people's stems." -- PBR, stating his position on the controversial issue
"No, don't! Don't do it, host! The transformation is almost complete! I don't like it!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, begging Tom not to further Philly-ize him with Bill Conti's Rocky anthem
"You know what I hate about Apollo Creed?" -- PBR, asking PFT to pinpoint his aversion to Rocky's ring rival
"I think I know." -- PFT, realizing that Creed is an African-American man
"You know what's already turning me off on this? The YouTube still of it." -- Tom, approaching Meat Loaf's AT&T GoPhone commercial with extreme trepidation
"You know where I was? I was in Kensington whipping firecrackers at kids going to see the Dead Kennedys." -- PBR, indicating how he spent his leisure time in 1983
"Can I say one thing? Pimply. Kind of a turn-on. You're not wearing like Chuck Taylors without socks are ya? 'Cause that's the second big turn-on." -- PBR, revealing his skewed fontasy to Julie from Cincinnati
"A bellboy is a boy. Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady." -- PBR, setting Tom straight on Clue's singing telegramist
"You don't like Tarantino because you think that he's a smug creep." -- PBR, making an astute assessment of Tom's rejection of the filmmaker
"Who don't love a good SEPTA joke?" -- PBR, asking a question that has haunted Philadelphia comedians for decades
"Are you wearing the skin of the person who sold you those Chocolate Skittles?" -- Tom, inquiring about the attire of Wes, The Hillside Strangler
"I feel like I've got a lot to bring to this town." -- PFT, reluctantly tossing his finely-tailored suit into the ring

[TBSOWFMU - 4/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

The Replacements - "Perfectly Lethal"

( Click here to buy the Let It Be reissue)

Plastic Constellations - "Hardland / Heartland"

( Click here to buy We Appreciate You)

Busted Statues - "Red Clouds"

( Click here to visit Busted Statues on Myspace)

Bullet Lavolta - "The Gift"

( Click here to buy The Gift)

Northern Bushmen - "Neat, Neat, Neat" (The Damned cover)

( Click here to visit Northern Bushmen on Myspace)

Antietam - "Sink or Swim"

( Click here to buy Everywhere Outside)

Titus Andronicus - "My Time Outside The Womb"

( Click here to buy The Airing of Grievances)

Bike - "My Love My Life"

( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Philly Boy Paul." »

April 22, 2008

Syrup Tissues.

"You think they'll get this one? Think they'll get it? A little clue: check you calendar. Check your calendar on this one. Check your calendar, and then maybe you'll get the joke." - Tom, dropping some hints about his timely spin of "Taxman"
"Oh, there's many more things I've done, but, you know, I figured I'd start with that." -- Leon Carbone, purging the guilt about a $20 paper route theft
"Not even gonna say what it's a stain of, just trust me. It was gross." -- Tom, declining to reveal a civilian gamer's complete filth handle
"I'd be shootin' down the bad guys left and right, flying all over doin' loops." - Tom, touting his (real) fighter pilot skills following a brief tutorial
"What if that was Heaven? What if you passed away, right, and all of a sudden you realized Heaven was Ridgewood, N.J.?" -- Tom, asking a caller to consider the possibility that he's already living in the holiest tract of God's Country
"Mike says he wrote vampire books. He's disputing your claim that he didn't write a vampire book. Mike says he wrote a book called Bleh Bleh." - Tom, informing Bonnie about Mike's (mis)understanding of Christopher Buckley's bibliography
"Where will you get the nice food from? A different city?" - Tom, wondering where Stephen in Chicago will get the good eats to entice him for a visit
"I thought it was comin' back when he said that AriZona Iced Tea was healthy because it was from Arizona." - Weirder Jon, waiting for Petey to go on another Hot streak
"You know the Rolling Thunder Revue? Mike was in that. He played kungas." -- Tom, informing a Dylan enthusiast about Mike's role in the traveling caravan
"My hands!!!!!! My hands!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! I can no longer weave magic!!" -- A professional gamer, breaking his fall -- and shattering his fontasies -- after slipping outside a McDonald's
"Wouldn't a Thermos be on the ultimate hot streak and cold streak?" -- Tom, striking topical gold with a vacuum flask
"I'm looking forward to it because I'm gonna rip Dr. Pepper off so much with that." -- Tom, getting very thirsty for some Chinese Democracy
"USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!" -- Tom, chanting for his country after a caller put the American dollar on a Cold streak in the international currency markets
"Wait, let me get this straight, you are DJ, yet you don't know who Black Sabbath is. Ok! Looks like I took you to school, no?" -- Newly-frocked Pablo Fontana, advising Tom on the value of the Ronnie James Dio era
"Well, you know, it gives me pleasure. It gives a lot of people various pleasures." -- Pablo Fontana, justifying his use of the controversial "apparatus"
"I think I know why. He is Nazi." - Pablo Fontana, speculating on the Pope's refusal to kiss the D.C. tarmac
"What about call screener Sherman? Will he be there? - Pablo Fontana, trying to line up guests for his four-hour Pancake Communion
"What is thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" -- Pablo Fontana, requesting a definition of the term "ecumenical"
"Lot of people talked the s hit about tu." - Pablo Fontana, noting that many Newbridge parishioners criticized Tom while in his confession booth
"Look, Michael Jordan would have no idea who I am, but if he met me, he'd see it. He'd see the aura. He'd give me the nod." -- Tom, explaining that greatness recognizes greatness
"That's right. I was waiting for somebody to say that! Why do you think I even did this stupid topic?" -- Tom, rejoicing after Jason put The Best Show on an eight-year hot streak

[TBSOWFMU - 4/15/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Dead Child - "Screaming Skull"

( Click here to buy Attack)

Turbonegro - "Get It On"

( Click here to buy Apocalypse Dudes)

Void - "Ignorant People"

( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)

The Faith - "Nightmare"

( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)

The Tokeleys - "Mausoleum" (from Sons of Horus)

( Click here to visit The Tokeleys' Myspace page [Also check out Ponce De Leon L.A.)

The Kyle Sowashes - "Korea"

( Click here to buy Yeah Buddy!)

Go Sailor - "The Boy Who Sailed Around the World"

( Click here to buy Go Sailor)

The Great Plains - "The Way She Runs A Fever"

( Click here to buy Length of Growth 1981-89)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Syrup Tissues." »

April 15, 2008

Stuff and Junk.

"If I walk outside, it's like a museum of rednecks, but we don't have a museum of cigarettes." -- Andy from Knoxville, filling Tom in on the local tourist attractions
"I hate men, and if I am President ..." -- Hillary Clinton, addressing primary voters last week outside a Wawa in Roxboro, PA
"Someone might want to check the books. Hoboken might be bankrupt." -- Tom, blowing the whistle on the city's corrupt comptroller after Mickey Dolenz was announced as the headler for the Arts & Music Festival
"You better not show up here next week in a Sgt. Pepper's outfit. I'll throw you off the roof." -- Tom, threatening Mike with bodily harm if he dons the blue satin suet
"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest
"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
Oh, Tom. All you wanted were bootlegs. Is that so much to ask for? I thought this was America? I got three copies of Gone Troppo, that doesn't entitle me? Bootleg guy got raided." -- Tom, lamenting his failure to score the good stuff
"My flame wasn't as big, but it had a bigger impact ... on my brain, anyway." -- Bryce, noting the potency of his alternate Olympic torch/bong
"Oh my God, now you're pointing a gun at me! Oh my God! No!" -- Bryce, begging for mercy from an old, white-haired man who is not Tom Scharpling
"Maybe he appreciates pageantry!" -- Tom, suggesting an alternative reason for Doddy's enjoyment of Busby Berkeley musicals

[More to come.]

"I said like 'damn' and stuff." -- Pudge, losing his cool after hitting his thumb with a hammer and stuff
"Well, it's like, it's like the seventh note of like this, I don't know, it's like, you know, of this scale, and there's like, you know, after like that note happens, there's like this, I don't know, there's this big desire like to kinda resolve to the tonic. You know, the tonic and stuff." -- Pudge, explaining a crucial fakeout in the second movement of Gustav Mahler's "Symphony No. 5 in C-Sharp Minor"
"It's just kinda like stupid stuff I do and stuff." -- Pudge, downplaying his renowned composing career
"Like a baby could run and stuff. I 'unno, I mean, if it, I 'unno, I guess if its dad said it was OK and stuff? Or its mom and stuff? -- Pudge, wondering if a Newbridge newborn could run for mayor with parental consent
"I don't know, probably like have you put to death and stuff." -- Pudge, tentatively announcing his first act in office

[TBSOWFMU - 4/8/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Lost Sounds - "Future Touch"

( Click here to buy the Future Touch EP)

Bad Times - "Listen to the Band"

( Click here to buy Bad Times)

Game Theory - "24" (from Real Nighttime)
Game Theory - "Make Any Vows" (from The Big Shot Chronicles)
Game Theory - "Chardonnay" (from Lolita Nation)
Game Theory - "Room For One More, Honey" (from 2 Steps From The Middle Ages)

( Click here to buy OOP Game Theory things)

The Pastels - "Empty House" (from the "Crawl Babies" 12")

( Click here to buy A Truckload of Trouble: 1986-1993)

Eat Skull - "No Intelligence"

( Click here to buy the "Dead Families" 7")

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Stuff and Junk." »

April 8, 2008

All Things Must Pass.

"Let's get this over with." -- Tom, deciding to get the party started after a 47-minute opening music set
"Oh, good. Drinking and radio don't mix." -- Julie, approving of Tom's sobriety
"I made fun of Mark & Mindy? You didn't like that? You didn't find my Mark & Mindy joke funny?" -- Tom, inquiring about Jerry from Boulder's rejection of his ribbing
"You don't sleep. You don't sleep! Stay haunted! You stay haunted by it! You don't think I'm haunted? I got the weight of the world on my shoulders!" -- Tom, unleashing a directive for a littlehearted boy
"The grandmother was irascible." -- Sleepy Jeff on Mindy's guff-averse music store boss
"I do, yeah, and then I'm fit as a fiddle for the rest of the day." -- Sleepy Jeff, touting the benefits of his 22.5 hours of shut-eye
"Oh my God, that's sick." -- Sleepy Jeff, appalled by Tom's meager 6 hours/night
"A guy can talk on the phone and drive at the same time -- I've got two knees." -- Sleepy Jeff, assuring Tom that he is still driving the bus
"They had that, yes, but they also did something in that that resulted in me." -- Jeep Cherokee Wilson, noting his parents unnatural "bangathon" in his namesake vehicle
"He looks so normal that he doesn't look human. That's how I picture Roger looking." -- J.C. Wilson, comparing Mike's appearance to the crime sketch of hijacker D.B. Cooper
"I mean, the things you could see." -- J.C. Wilson, pointing out a self-inflammatory advantage of being 3' 1''
"He ain't in the pros no more? What he gonna do now?" -- J.C. Wilson, pondering the future of the cocaine-addled slugger Barry Barnes
"What about the one that said you were gonna die during your show?" -- J.C. Wilson, asking Tom about the veracity of the vision of his death-by-harpooning
"Think about it. That's my art! Think about it. That's my installation." -- Tom, urging Erika from Baltimore to look deeper into his imminent death from side-splitting pain
"It's not the topic! You guys can't make up topics! Put 'em forth. 'Yeah, I heard the topic.' That's not the topic. You go call Herbie's house if you wanna to talk about first-world problems. That's not the topic. How dare you. Herbie. Guy's name's Herbie." -- Tom, fed up with a Philadelphia duo's attempts to run the show
"Wait'll you hear that one, Mike. 10:44, you're in for a big laugh. Brace yourself. Just get ready. You're probably still hearing when Jeep called right now, but some good stuff on the way." -- Tom, giving advance notice of some Tommert-based amusements
"You got James'd! YOU GOT JAMES'D! I JAMES'D JAMES! HOW'DYA LIKE THEM APPLES?! Actually, apples are not my favorite fruit, BUT NOW THEY ARE! YOU GOT JAMES'D, JAMES! YOU GOT JAMES'D!" -- Tom, turning the tables on the toupee-wearing troublemaker
"How could you pass on that combo: Schwimmer! Michael Ian Black!" -- Tom, questioning Paul from Staten Island's reluctance to pay to see Run, Fat Boy, Run at Hylan Boulevard's luxurious moviehouse
"Remember, Tom. Remember, Tom. Remember. Sunrise doesn't last all morning, Tom. Sunrise doesn't last all morning. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember that. All thing must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember ..." -- Tom, blowing the clouds away

[TBSOWFMU - 4/1/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Stevie Blue & Martina McBride - "I Left My Chocolate-Covered Heart in the Foothills of Los Altos"

( Click here to visit KFJC)

Psychedelic Horse s hit - "Rather Dull"

( Click here to buy Magic Flowers Droned)

Didjits - "Headless" (Dickies cover)

( Click here to buy the F the Pigs 7")

The Black and Whites - "Carlsbad"

( Click here to buy The Black and Whites)

Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds - "Bucket O' Trouble"

( Click here to buy Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds)

The Individuals - "Dancing With My Eighty Wives"

( Click here to pre-order the Fields / Aqua Marine reissue)

Dumptruck - "Wire" (dedicated to the departed The Wire section of the FOT Board)

( Click here to buy For The Country)

The Raymond Brake - "Philistine"

( Click here to buy Piles of Dirty Winters)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "All Things Must Pass." »

April 1, 2008

Coffin Talk.

"You know who's a huge classical buff? No one I know!" -- Tom, looking for actual fans and finding none
"No one get killed like that kid did in the movie. If you're gonna get killed, pay your pledge first. Let that be your final act of paying it forward." -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid the fate of young Haley Joel Osment until they do the right thing
"Wait. You mean Kim Fowley pulled a fast one on somebody? What? Hold on. He was less than honest? Are you sure it's the same Kim Fowley?" -- Tom, questioning the identity of a supposed scam artist at the Pan-American ticket counter
"That's the only band I really wanted to see besides Half Japanese and The Slits." -- Michael K of The Cynics, lamenting the scheduling conflicts that prevented him from seeing Hanson at SX
"Is this Beatle Bob? You're not Beatle Bob, are you?" -- Michael K, trying to identify the caller who took offense to his geographical zings
"Am I here? Is this my show? I thought it was. I'm gonna go home. Mike, let these two guys do the show." -- Tom, moving to the back of the bus during a steamrolling discussion of Southern cuisine
"How many teams do they have? And do they play in their robes, like the full robes?" -- Tom, inquiring about the representation and attire of the KKK squads entered in the Whirlyball Nationals
"It's gonna flop hard. It's gonna flop harder than the sweat pouring down James's forehead, loosening that cheap toupee of his." -- Tom, predicting the box-office fate of The Love Guru
"I'd like to slam his fingers in that desk drawer, maybe get him to wake up for once." -- Tom, rousing This American Life host Ira Glass from his terminal slumber
"Oh, good, it has 'Pipeline' on it." -- Paycheque, rejoicing in a choice Johnny Thunders import 10"
"Exactamundo." -- Greg from Baltimore
"They coulda used Mountain." -- Nate from St. Paul, proposing a suitable BOC alternative for the "More Cowbell" sketch
"Tom Starplin, I love you, but you gotta stop GOMPin' Lair-ee." -- A hopeless pupil, disappointing his mentor yet again
"That might make him the best kind of caller: the guy who brings the energy of someone who would curse, but doesn't curse." -- Tom, praising Sonny from JC's ability to walk the delicate line in his takedown of late-period Al Pacino
"Yeah, you sound stupid." -- Tom, detecting a lot of unintelligent callers during the "Coffin Talk" segment
"I don't build coffins, I shop for 'em." -- Tom, declining to respond to a question about the ideal wood for a sturdy construction
"My throat. My throat hurts so much. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore!" -- Tom, rising from the grave
"Apparently, you want it all. Apparently, you want to hear 'Layla' and get in-depth news coverage." - Tom, informing a caller that he's asking way too much of his classic rock radio station

[TBSOWFMU - 3/25/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Coffin Break - "Boxes and Boxes"

( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til the Stardust Motel)

Torche - "Across The Shields"

( Click here to pre-order Meanderthal)

Final Solutions - "In A Coma"

( Click here to buy Songs by Solutions)

The Marked Men - "Fix My Brain"

( Click here to buy Fix My Brain)

Monkeywrench - "Levitation"

( Click here to buy Gabriel's Horn)

Thee Headcoatees - "Just Like A Dog"

( Click here to buy Bozstik Haze)

Mission of Burma - "Progress"

( Click here to buy the Matador re-issues)

Lungfish - "Nation Saving Song"

( Click here to buy Love is Love)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Coffin Talk." »

March 25, 2008

We Shall Never Surrender.

"They say don't talk too closely. I talk too closely! I do what I want. Best Show time! -- Tom, ignoring his CSB training on microphone proximity in order to Bring It
"Where's my All Things Must Pass? Where's mine? When do I do one? Where's my epic? Where's my titanic effort that stands the test of time. Where?" -- Tom, forgetting about his glorious body of work
"I'm not sure who's changed. Maybe we're meeting in the middle somewhere." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he and Spike ended up on a park bench reminiscing about the Chucky franchise
"He was doin' somethin' gay." -- Nate Hartley, explaining why Drake Bell was unable to appear in Drillbit Taylor
"If I look at my Myspace mood status, quixotic, I think. I'm up to the Q's, still tiltin' at windwills." -- Michael K from The Cynics, checking in from The Pitts by way of La Mancha
"People lookin' at me sideways like I get a piece of the pie. How dare you." -- Tom, scolding his colleagues for not parading him around like Cleopatra for his marathon triumph
"Oh, no, they're the main stuff. That's the main mahkets." -- Marky Ramone, claiming that Columbia, SC, and Raleigh, NC are in the top tier of Southern touring itineraries
"Oh, it's totally clean except for what actually happened." -- Marky Ramone, prefacing his tale of an emergency bathroom stop at a pock on the way back from Toad's Place
"Oh, why didn't I put this in the book, too? There was this one time when we were playing, I think it was in Houston, it was on Acid Eaters tour, and I don't know what was going on, but I kept dropping sticks all night. I must've dropped like seven of 'em." -- Marky Ramone, digging up some dirt for a non-electrifying conclusion to one of the best stories in Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life
"Why can't people keep his name straight? It's a very easy name to remember." -- Tom on the innoxuous Call Screener named Mike
"People want me to be like a butterfly. Whadda they put butterfiles in? Amber? Like I'm supposed to be preserved in December of 2007 forever." -- Tom, letting Juno go
"Hey, everyone, cool out on the Internet." -- Top touring comic Todd Barry, calling for some decorum after a flurry of harsh comments from dorm room tough guys
"You don't wanna see 33 bands in one day and not shower?" -- Todd Barry, wondering why Tom has no interest in attending SX
"That would be very exciting. He's very funny." -- Tom, looking forward to Todd Barry's comedic collaboration with Max Weinberg
"If Christ showed up and started talking, you kinda can get the point after two hours of anyone." -- Tom, getting into the whole (relative) brevity thing
"Chappelle's goin' long, tell Nancy to stay there. We'll give her another $6." -- A SF Punchline waitress, working overtime for a marathon set
"Oh, I was gonna do this great cheese joke. Not that I would ever talk about cheese, 'cause I'm a political comic." -- Todd Barry on the perils of burned premises when performing deep into a multi-act bill
"You don't listen to Robert Johnson all day like I do?" -- Todd Barry, questioning a caller who prefers more modern music and comedy
"Not only was it a dirty show, it was like the filthiest show I've seen in a long time. I mean, everything you could possibly think of in terms of sexual acts was mentioned." -- Todd Barry, noting the ribald nature of the recent Julie & Jackie show attended by two little girls
"I live off of plant scraps." -- Swiss Miss, Todd Barry's sole female fan, revealing her source of Spokane sustenance
"Our sleaze is sleazier than their sleaze. They start doin' their sleaze, we out-sleaze them." -- Tom, celebrating another NJ victory over NYC courtesy of a bored skee-ball technician
"Like The Lockhorns on crystal meth?" -- Tom, pondering the domestic tumult of Richard and Julie from Cincinnati

[TBSOWFMU - 3/18/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Todd Barry - "Old Navy, Short Shop"

( Click here to buy From Heaven [also available in the Gospel section at f.y.e.])

Jucifer - "Window (Where The Sea Falls Forever)"

( Click here to buy L'autrichienne)

Rocket From The Crypt - "Pigeon Eater"

( Click here to buy RIP)

Small 23 - "Noodles"

( Click here to buy Small (23) stuff)

The Oblivians - "Mary Lou"

( Click here to buy Play 9 Songs With Mr. Quintron)

Birds of Avalon - "The Reeds"

( Click here to buy the Outer Upper Inner EP)

Big Dipper - "Life Inside The Cemetery"

( Click here to buy Supercluster: The Big Dipper Anthology)

Dodos - "Undeclared"

( Click here to buy Visiter)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "We Shall Never Surrender." »

March 18, 2008

Wax On / Wax Off.

"He's like Adam Sandler a little bit, but not as good." -- Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on elderly comedian and white-hott film star Andy Milonakis
"You like World War II? What side were you on? You know what side I was on? Allies." -- Tom, joining the Good Guys in the global fight against the Bad Guys
"Well, it's kinda the same thing -- buncha jerks livin' all together. Yeh. Stinkin' up the place." -- Philly Boy Roy, refusing to distinguish between New York and New Jersey
"The Vet, you dunce. Philadummy. You're still a Philadummy after all these years." -- Philly Boy Roy, marveling at Tom's continued lack of knowledge about his beloved city
"I like vodka because it looks like wutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, finding a clear liquid he can enjoy without being readily detected
"No, it's when you don't got no money to pay for that stuff. For love sessions." -- PBR, explaining his impending Chapter 8 bankruptcy filing due to excessive credit card expenditures at Dockside Dolls
"I haven't procured a copy, but I will." -- Philly Boy Roy, suggesting a non-traditional acquisition of the buzzworthy new CD by The Hooters
"Shut up. I'll Shyamalan all over your face ... and your groin." -- Philly Boy Roy, threatening violence via the less-talented filmmaking brother
"How?! He takes just a normal phone call and weaves it into magic!" -- Kamal, contemplating the envious skills of his more-talented phone prank partner
"Guy's like vanilla ice cream laying out in the sun. Billy Crystal, he's like 5' 4" of vanilla ice cream." -- Tom, denouncing the soft-serve, one-day Yankee
"So it was like Adam-12 with cursing?" Tom, asking Mike to compare The Wire to other cop shows
"Does he look orange when you watch that show? I think they use like weird filters. His face looks orange every time I go past that show." -- Mike the Associate Producer, trying to figure out David Caruso's odd hue on CSI:Miami
"If Ratatouille taught us anything, it's that the average rat will eat anything." -- Tom on the unsophisticated pallets of movie theater rats
"The place you stayed, were people hiding suitcases full of money in the heating ducts. Was there a guy walking around with a cow killer?" -- Tom, determining whether John Junk's accomodations started with an "H" or an "M"
"You're gonna have to pretend to be ya brotha!" -- Tom as late-period Sir Anthony Hopkins, informing Chris Rock that he's about to go undercova in the Joel Schumacher classic, Bad Company
"You know what, I think it's time for Eric Idle to go shop for a coffin." Tom, adopting the persona of a ghoul from Charleston
"Think about the cats, people. Think about the cats!" -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid political commentary when LOLcatting
"Whaddya say to those people out there who say that your show might be a little lame, your comedy bits are, I don't know, old hat, your listeners are stupid, and that you in particular alternate between being an insufferable bore and an insipid loudmouth bully?" -- Linus, asking Tom to respond to some very harsh criticisms he found online
"Oh my god, that's so unintentionally hilarious." -- Linus, taking delight in the absurdity of the ancient cars and stupid wall phones depicted in The Karate Kid
"Well, we don't give ourselves 10s. I gave us a 9.8" -- Linus, defending his journalistic integrity when reviewing his own band
"But I'm Linus, and I write for" -- Linus, crying/laughing over Tom's criticism of an unwieldy sentence in a Black Kids review
"He left Earth pretty much. You're gonna leave Earth, too." -- Linus, marking Tom for a stint in a monastery or a barging

[TBSOWFMU - 3/11/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Death Cab For Cutie - "Pictures In An Exhibition"

( Click here to buy Something About Airplanes)

Why? - "Fatalist Palmistry"

( Click here to buy Alopecia)

The Long Blondes - "Here Comes The Serious Bit"

( Click here to pre-order "couples")

New Bomb Turks - "Youngblood" (Thee Headcoats cover)

( Click here to buy Pissing Out the Poison: Singles and Other Swill)

Shudder To Think - "Pebbles"

( Click here to buy Get Your Goat)

Versus - "Bright Light"

( Click here to buy Dead Leaves)

White Hinterland - "Lindberghs + Metal Birds"

( Click here to buy Phylactery Factory)

The Feelies - "What Goes On" (The Velvet Underground cover)

( Click here to buy Only Life)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Wax On / Wax Off." »

March 11, 2008

The Love Pit.

"Fontasies." -- Matthew "Fluxblog" Perpetua, correcting Pseu on the pronunciation of his pledge card ode to Gene
"We gotta keep Mike's phone busy, 'cause otherwise he's gonna start telling August about weird movies, and we don't want that to happen." -- Tom, trying to thwart corrupting Lukas Moodysson and Werner Herzog dissertations with pledges
"Amoeba, very nice store. Very hard to shoplift from that store. Very hard." -- Tom on the tight security at the West Coast independent music retailer
"Jerry Reed is doing The Iceman Cometh down there now, so anybody who wants to check that out -- it's really thrilling." -- Tom, recommending the Eugene O'Neill production at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Jupiter, FL
"I'm from the streets! Everything I learned I learned in back alleys, like around garbage cans with flames coming out of there like the beginning of Rocky." Tom, reiterating his slob bona fides in an appeal to the Common Man
"Fix that thing, nerds. Place is filled with nerds. Can't throw a rock without hittin' a nerd around here. Step up, nerds, fix that thing!" -- Tom, looking for prompt IT support after pledges set the computer ablaze
"I come in with the wind, I disappear in the morning mist." -- The Famous Flamer, detailing the oddly peaceful itinerary for his Weekend Sale-a-Thons
"My life is either awesome or horrible. I got no time for 74 degrees and clear. It's either gotta be blazin' hot and I'm on a skateboard, or it's snowin' and there's a Yeti comin' after me with a machine gun." -- The Famous Flamer, reveling in the extremes
"You know what's fair? Foghat at full volume -- that's fair!" -- The Famous Flamer, rejecting WFMU's indie garbage in favor of loud classic rock
"You can't unsee something like that." -- Tom on the horrific vision of a shirtless Jim Norton, the funniest comedian in New Jersey, submerged in a water tank at one of The Flamer's "salebrations"
"'Tumbleweeds' is slang for crank, right?" -- Patton Oswalt, confirming that Mac from Las Cruces was making a drug reference in his pledge comment
"I want to squeeze every cent out of everyone listening. We are not gonna hit 11 o'clock before I have shook all of you upside down by your legs, and the coins have fallen out." -- Tom, taking your lunch money and bleeding you dry
"He has this knife on his belt. It scares me. He sharpens it like on a leather strap." -- Tom, revealing Associate Producer Mike's weapon of choice
"Yes, we clap for Pitchfork! What're you worried about 7.5s? We clap! We get a 7.8 now." -- Tom, saluting the music website for their support
"... the life of kings." -- H. L. Mencken

[TBSOWFMU - 3/4/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Mott The Hopple - "The Journey"

( Click here to buy Brain Capers)

Sleater-Kinney - "Anonymous"

( Click here to buy Call The Doctor)

Be Your Own Pet - "Heart Throb"

( Click here to buy Get Awkward)

Negative FX - "The Few, The Proud"

( Click here to buy Negative FX/Last Rights)

Black Francis - "When They Come To Murder Me"

( Click here pre-order SVN Fngrs)

Sixteen Deluxe - "Babyheadrush"

( Click here to buy Backfeed Magnet Babe)

Superchunk - "Seed Toss" (live)

( Click here to buy Clambake Series Vol. 1: Acoustic In-Stores East & West)

Soft Machine - "We Did It Again"

( Click here to buy Vols. 1 & 2)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Love Pit." »

March 4, 2008

Positive Vibration.

"I love Boston, I just don't love any of your sports teams. Or your horrible highways." -- Tom, clarifying his Beantown issues following a pledge from Christopher in Attleboro, MA
"Next call talks to a laaady. You're lonely and you want to talk to a laaady. 800-989-9368. Come on, dudes. First chance to talk to a lady without having to run it by your parole officer." -- Tom, sparking interest in male listeners during a scary lull where Hatch feared the Scratchy Record program would outdraw The Best Show
"I will wring every dollar out of everyone listening. You will not pay your rent! You will pay WFMU!" -- Tom, doing some cutthroat budgetary planning on behalf of his listeners
"'Cause your young and your cool. And it's the fact that you offered me coke in the bathroom. That actually was a tipoff." -- Tom, explaining how he knew Hatch lived in Cocaine Heights
"Most radio hosts wither like the leaves in autumn, but Tom Scharpling is an evergreen, bringing it every Tuesday night and draining the competition." -- Omar, Best Show Poet Laundromat, keeping things on target in his pledge comment
"Are you in that Duck Duck Goose League in McCarren Park? -- Tom, asking Hatch if he's on board with Brooklyn's latest recreational craze
"If you didn't pledge then, you know what? You got James'd, sir. You, madame, got James'd." -- Tom, sentencing tightwad listeners to the ultimate mutant attack
"I was feeling pretty iree, yeah, but then I just got mad. Then I started throwin' stuff." - Bryce, lamenting the reggae rage that crushed his lean-to
"Aw, come on, man, what's wrong with you people? Don't you want me to get ripped?" -- Bryce, wondering why listeners are not supporting his pledges-for-crippler campaign
"It already got signed for. Yeah, someone named ... Therese." -- Bryce, informing Tom that his crippler samples are in the building
"Hey, everybody. Call back and get your money back 'cause Tom won't smoke out with me." -- Bryce, urging pledgers to ask for refund due to Tom's refusal to puff
"Oh, Mike. Remember that? Those were the good times, when Super Dave Osbourne's face didn't look like one of the bad guys in I, Robot." -- Tom, reminiscing about the younger, less frightening visage of Mr. Einstein
"I gave blood today, but giving to WFMU is even more rewarding." - Eban from Rhode Island on his Two-for-Tuesday drainage

[TBSOWFMU - 2/26/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


Dwight Twilley - "Money (That's What I Want)" (ripped from the original 1979 Arista promo 12" courtesy of Power Pop Pop-Pop's estate)

( Click here to visit the official DT website)

The Hex Dispensers - "H.D. Local 23"

( Click here to buy The Hex Dispensers)

The Mountain Goats - "Lovecraft in Brooklyn"

( Click here to buy Heretic Pride)

Dengue Fever - "Woman in the Shoes"

( Click here to buy Venus On Earth)

Nada Surf - "From Now On"

( Click here to buy lucky)

The Would Be's - "Funny Ha Ha"

( Click here to acquire Silly Songs For Cynical People)

Guv'ner - "Motorcycle Man"

( Click here to buy The Hunt)

The Takeovers - "Instigator"

( Click here to buy the Little Green Onion Man EP)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Positive Vibration." »

February 26, 2008

Too Tuff To Break.

"I would have also paired up George Jones and a ticket refund counter." -- Tom, adding some visuals to the surreal "We Go Together" video montage
"Okay, write down your predilection and then you'll tell me what it is after I say what it is." -- Marky Ramone, challenging Tom to guess his big announcement
"You didn't say nothin' about the 1/8th notes on the high hat, how fast they are." -- Marky Ramone, lamenting an omission in Tom's critique of his drumming
"You do Marky Ramone's throat lozenges, you have the crystal-clear voice of Marky Ramone." -- Marky Ramone, promoting the latest product in his signature series
"You're just diggin' it deepah and deepah and deepah. And I'm gonna play hardah and hardah and hardah on your head." -- Marky Ramone, vowing to deliver a 2B beating for Tom's supposed insults
"He looked like he was turning into The Hulk. Like a Caucasian Hulk." -- Tom on Roger Clemens' transformation into a 'roid-raging monster at his landmark Congressional hearing
"You know, I don't hate Spike, but, I mean, I don't want to be considered an "us" with Spike." -- ROY '08 candidate Steve from North Hollywood, distancing himself from a less desirable member of The Best Showverse
"Jerky Boys, though? Really? The Jerky Boys. The Jerky Boys. I can't even expound on it. The Jerky Boys." -- Tom, digesting the rough comparison to the phone prank duo
"Oh, I just pulled up that site. Oh my God. He's not even a kid." -- Martin from Edison, getting his first honest-to-blob peak at the self-proclaimed Voice of the People
"Willy Wonka. That guy had some problems. First of all, how did that stuff clear inspections? Got those Oompa-Loompas, were they wearing gloves?" -- Tom, questioning the sanitation standards at the famous candy facory
"This guy looks like he ate The Gorch. That's how big that guy is." -- Tom, assessing the Brimsteadian girth of The Kid from Brooklyn
"The singer from The Smiths, you thought he was whiny?" -- Tom, trying to comprehend Lisa from Brooklyn's issues with Morrissey
"I keep thinking the bad guys will win in the end and take it all away, but somehow it all seems to keep working." -- Tom Scharpling, rejoicing in The New York Times

[TBSOWFMU - 2/19/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get the 2008 "We Did It Again" Fun Pack! T-shirt. Sticker. Brian Michael Palmer Weaver Neil Numberman poster. This one's for all the marbles. Tom is counting on you.**

Dust - "Pull Away/So Many Times"

( Click here to buy Hard Attack)

The Black Hollies - "Bruised Tangerines"

( Click here to buy Casting Shadows)

The Dirtbombs - "I Hear The Sirens"

( Click here to buy We Have You Surrounded)

CoCoComa - "Go Ahead"

( Click here to buy CoCoComa)

The Makes Nice - "When It's All Gone"

( Click here to buy This Time Tomorrow)

The Poster Children - "Jeremy Straight"

( Click here to buy Flower Plower)

Psycho and the Birds - "Hybertech Green"

( Click here to buy We've Moved)

Atlas Sound - "River Card"

( Click here to buy Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See
But Cannot Feel

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Too Tuff To Break." »

February 12, 2008


"Alright, this is the big one. This is the big one. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you tonight, Tom. All eyes. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. Let's do this! Let's just do it! That's enough!" -- Tom, gearing up for his latest battle v. everyone
"What? February? Whatever. You know how I am with that stuff -- I just go where I'm told." -- Tom, willing to accept that the Presidential election was taking place tonight
"I'm trying to set up, you know, some mystery that will never be solved, nor will it be remembered." -- PFT, explaining his decision not to reveal his take on the Best Caller award
"He looks like an uncaged ape on the sideline that they put a sweatshirt over. Get like a XXXXXL sweatshirt and put it on that monster." -- Tom on the terminally dour, subhuman Bill Belichick
"I look at him as my oxygen and that he lets me know that I can escape. He's my batteries. He's our batteries. It's not just me -- there's other people in the Spike Fan Club." -- Dylan Milford, supporting his personal Gandhi on behalf of the Los Angeles chapter
"I think we're gonna have to break up that batch 'cause I'm starting to want to go home now." -- Tom, looking for something positive after opening with the Saddest/Most Delusional awards
"I'm picturing myself getting robbed. Getting stabbed, arrested, I don't know what. They're all my DVDs, these are not stolen, but still my mind is racing." -- Tom, fontasizing during a harrowing Craigslist drop-off
"I guess it's a fine line with Mike. I think maybe it's domestic cinema that throws him. The Germans he's okay with." -- Best Best Show recapper Omar, contemplating Mike's rejection of the final scene of There Will Be Blood
"He just did what Hal Holbrook is doing for Best Supporting Actor, but for the award Most Pathetic Caller. The judges might have to look at the winner again on that." - Tom on James lobbying for his statuette
"I kinda pretend that I need it, but it's basically for slashing. Slashing and slicing. As you will see. And feel." -- Kip Palfner, renewing his award-winning razor cane threat against Tom
"I don't own a dog. I own dragons. They sound like dogs sometimes when they get very excited, kind of like you when your voice modulates." -- Gene Simmons, explaining the origins of the barking sounds that erupted during his call

[TBSOWFMU - 2/5/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Drive-By Truckers - "The Righteous Path"

( Click here to buy Brighter Than Creation's Dark)

King Khan & The Shrines - "Welfare Bread"

( Click here to buy What Is?!)

Warm Gun - "Broken Windows"

( Click here to grab the rest of this EP)

Mangapop - "Nowhere"

( Click here to buy the Kiss My Mouth single)

Bob Mould - "Who Needs To Dream?"

( Click here to buy District Line)

Black Mountain - "Angels"

( Click here to buy In The Future Deluxe Edition)

Magnetic Fields - "Drive On, Driver"

( Click here to buy Distortion)

Altered Images - "Happy Birthday"

( Click here to buy I Could Be Happy: The Best of Altered Images)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Drainage." »

February 5, 2008

Tom v. Everyone.

"This show's not about wallowing. This show's about soaring. Like an eagle." -- Tom, taking flight high above the union man
"Was that thing wreckin' Newark? Or Jersey City? Hoboken? No. No, we were sendin' the jets out to attack that thing. That was us. We're the good guys in this one." -- Tom, praising New Jersey's role in defending NYC against the Cloverfield monster
"Exactly. They got their chops over in uh ... in uh ... you know in uh ... in uh ... Dusseldorf." -- Tom, tracing the origins of supposed NYC band The Strokes
"Well considering the guy from the Del Vikings is 91 years old, I don't know how resistant he's going to be. I don't know how defiant he is these days." -- Tom, pointing out that a member of the group would likely be a suitably submissive bailiff for Dungeon Justice with Judge Spike
"That's a black mark on Mike's record tonight. Lettin' a faux Jerky Boy through, a Jerky Boy manqué. Is that how you say that word? Did I do that right?" -- Tom, criticizing the call screening with a rare lapse into egghead vocabulary
"It's these two guys, and they each take their faces off. And they trade faces, and then they play each other in it. Kinda like Freaky Friday with guns!" -- Face/Off scribes Mike Werb and Michael Colleary, bounding over narrative hurdles in The Making of Face/Off video game
"I called in last week, it wasn't a very successful call. Um, you called me a gorilla." -- Tom in Buffalo, looking for redemption and not finding it
"It's good. Why shouldn't you be able to lose your entire fortune from your home?" -- Tom, sticking it to the misguided online gambling worryworts
"Price Waterhouse? I'm gonna write this stuff out in a Panera Bread on Tuesday afternoon -- Tom, ditching the accounting giant for next week's Best Show Awards
"This game sounds fun. Wait, which one is fun again? The one where you want to gouge your eyes out?" -- Tom, assessing the entertainment value of the video game adaptation of a long-form Spalding Gray monologue
"Was that Robert Benchley who wrote that? That guy was good." -- Tom, praising the legendary humorist's script for Orca

[More to come.]

"Hey, Jeff, whaddya call a nun in a humidor?" -- Bob Saget, annoying Jeff Garlin with his debauched Hate Pit revelry

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 1/29/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kelly Stoltz - "When You Forget"

( Click here to buy Circular Sounds)

Monochrome Set - "The Weird, Wild And Wonderful World Of Tony Potts"

( Click here to view the Wikipedia page for Love Zombies)

Cornelius - "Chapter 8 - Seashore and Horizon"

( Click here to buy Fantasma)

Throw Me The Statue - "Take It or Leave It"

( Click here to buy Moonbeams)

Wussy - "Sun Giant Says Hey"

( Click here to buy Left For Dead)

The Selmanaires - "Just To Get YR Love"

( Click here to buy The Air Salesman)

Effigies - "Body Bag"

( Click here to buy Remains Nonviewable)

Wipers - "Can This Be"

( Click here to buy the Wipers box set)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Tom v. Everyone." »

January 29, 2008

The Devil and Arte Johnson.

"Yeah, I remember when she did that in 2005. It was a scandal. She's done 85 things since then. You're still mad about Offense #2?" -- Tom, informing Spike that the "fool woman" Spears has moved well beyond unbuckled kids
"I don't want to say my 'excuse', but that's what has led me to these, you know, kinda outbursts I outbursted when I was on your show before." -- Ken Rogers, attributing his foulmouthed non-interviews to his Tri-Polar Situation
"I loved it when Anna Nicole Smith died. It was awesome -- it was like, is it murder or what?" -- Julie from Cincinatti, reveling in true-crime celebrity gossip

[More to come.]

"The ladies of Newbridge had the most comfortable feet in the entire Tri-Bridge quad. And as we all know, it ended up becoming a den of foot perversion." -- Kurt Gaisburn, lamenting what became of Lady Foot Locker in the Edgar Ploppleton's era
"There's some charity in it also. We buy hot dogs for some of the poorer kids in town." -- Kurt Gaistburn, explaining the community outreach aspect of his Drugboro Pee-Wee slapfighting sponsorship
"At that point, Tom, honestly, he was taking 63 different pills, 23 of which were of his own making." -- Kurt Gaistburn on Captain Donut's outrageous pharmaceutical cocktail at the time of his rooftop hostage situation
"The chocolate is still there 'cause that's good. Children love chocolate." -- Kurt Gaistburn, keeping a beloved treat on the school lunch menu
"When I was a kid I used to ride my bike up and down Muffler Row without worrying about getting hit with bricks or getting guns thrown at me. That's not the case these days though, is it Tom?" -- Keith Gaistburn, recalling a more peaceful Newbridge youth
"I swear to God, you can hear his fat rolls just rippling when he talks. It's so disgusting. -- Kurt Gaistburn, informing his campaign manager about Tom's audible girth
"It was all I could do to hold down my wasabi-braised beef medallions -- it was that sick." -- Kurt Gaistburn, getting nauseous at the sight of a kid riding around in an old, banana-seat bike
And I swear, if you tell anybody, you're gonna be on the heart-stoppage list on Sunday. -- Kurt Gaistburn, threatening the Pharmacist-On-Duty at Drugville if he reveals the plot to poison Tom
"Uh, hello. Yes, this is ... what, you're name is Serge Gainsbourg?" -- Paul F. Tompkins, confusing Kurt Gaistburn's name with the French singer-songwriter
"You can't tell me that you've never fallen asleep to the whooshing and thud sounds." -- Kurt Gaistburn, attempting to get PFT to admit that he's used the Davies device

[TBSOWFMU - 1/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Squeeze - "Cat On A Wall" (from the Packet of Three 12")

( Click here to visit the Packet of Three fansite)

The Late Show - "Take A Chance"

( Click here to read a blurb on Portable Pop)

The Shirts - "Too Much Trouble"

( Click here to read the AMG review of Inner Sleeve)

The Act - "The Long Island Soul"

( Click here to read the Trouser Press entry for Too Late At 20)

Gaunt - "Sister Transistor"

( Click here to buy Kryptonite)

Treepeople - "Funnelhead"

( Click here to buy Something Vicious for Tomorrow/Time Whore)

Grifters - "Bronze Cast"

( Click here to buy Crappin' You Negative)

Monster Magnet - "Twin Earth"

( Click here to buy Judd Apatow's Superjudge: 24 Hours in the Life of Red Bank Rocker David Albert Wyndorf)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Devil and Arte Johnson." »

January 22, 2008

Life is Beautifuoco.

"We miss you, Mort. We miss you. The world is a quieter place without you, and a less smoke-filled place." Tom, eulogizing the dearly-departed, nicotine-addled, toothy-grinned social commentator
"You know what?" -- Tom, asking Julie from Cincinnati if she knows
"Nope." -- Julie from Cincinnati, answering concisely, honestly, and hilariously
"The scariest words in the English language are 'music and lyrics by Mel Brooks.' It gives me like newfound respect for the restraint of the Zucker brothers." -- Julie Klausner, lamenting the lack of musical craft on display in the regrettably DIY Young Frankenstein
"It has really good acoustics." -- Petey, praising his high school's coffee-free coffeehouse venue
"In that guy's mind he thinks that it's funny that he's being so unfunny, but it's really just sad that he thinks that he's being funny because he's being so annoying and unfunny." -- Tom, explaining the skewed comedic vision of the mutant James
"The best kind of food is the kind of food where you get a penny back when you hand a person a single." -- Tom, shortly before GOMPing an animule for feasting on the sick Taco Bell cuisine
"It. got. worse." -- Julie Klausner, reporting on Act II of Young Frankenstein via text message
"Yeah, things went a little, uh, pear-shaped there, as they say over in Old ... whadda they call it? Old Blighty or Blimey? It's Blimey, right? -- Matthew Tompkins, attempting to use British slang to describe the tumultuous end to his tenure at ABC Television
"I mean, who needs all that scripted garbage. It's a waste of time, if you ask us." -- Matthew Tompkins, damning the WGA writers to hell on a coffee cup and a thermidor
"But between you and me ... Vance's gut was wrong on that one. And about 42 other judgments." -- Matthew Tompkins on the wrongful convictions coming from the bench of the unqualified Vance Asimov
"Guess what we did to him in the parking garage? We put electrodes on his pippin, and let 'er rip." -- Matthew Tompkins, revealing the shocking fate of an unwilling Tough Now contestant
"Well, it's kinda got the hint of the word 'beautiful' in it, which I think is totally aproposs." -- Matthew Tompkins, approving of television star Joey Buttafuoco's more elegant pronunciation
"He does this one character where he pretends to be like a complete, muscle-bound idiot. It's hilarious." -- Matthew Tompkins, marveling at Hulk Hogan's improv comedy chops
This guy's Q. Is through. The roof. His Q-rating." -- Matthew Tompkins on the quantifiable awesomeness of "Macho Man" Randall Savage
"You should be cheering like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, or at the very least, a Cleveland Browns cheerleader." Matthew Tompkins, providing a gauge for the appropriate amount of enthusiasm Tom should have for his programming ideas
"If you have a bandanna, I would put it in my mouth to like, you know, clench down on. That way you don't look like too much of a p when you're gutted." -- Matthew Tompkins, offering Tom some advice for the climactic scene of To Hunt, Gut and Kill a Slob
"If you see anyone, Mike, resembling an international assassin, don't let them in the building." -- Tom, trying to steer clear of Boris, Thor, and Pablo
"His quirk is alcoholism." -- Mike, fleshing out The Wire's Jimmy McNulty for Tom

[TBSOWFMU - 1/15/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Get Up Kids - "Ten Minutes"

( Click here to buy Something To Write Home About)

Blood On The Wall - "Turn Around and Shut Up"

( Click here to buy Liferz)

Les Savy Fav - "Pluto"

( Click here to buy 3/5)

Times-Herald Times New Viking - "The Early '80s"

( Click here to buy Rip It Off)

Graham Day and the Gaolers - "Part Time Dad"

( Click here to buy Soundtrack To The Daily Grind)

The A-Lines - "Four"

( Click here to buy You Can Touch)

The Busy Signals - "Matter Of Time"

( Click here to buy Busy Signals)

Carbonas - "Frustrate Me"

( Click here to buy Carbonas)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Life is Beautifuoco." »

January 15, 2008

Sweeney Tom: The Demon Barber of Velndonom Way.

"That's my brotherhood? No! That's not my brotherhood. I gotta be a smaller fish in a bigger pond. It's time." -- Tom, swimming away from his pajama-clad peers in 2008
"I hit the wrong button! I hit the wrong button! The year's gonna be a disaster now!" -- Tom, ushering in the New Year with a not-so-supercaller
"I've never met him, but he doesn't come across as a very savory character." -- Dave from Knoxville, enrolling Spike in a new club
"Hey Eddie and Sophie, Daddy's got one coming out to you, some La Düsseldorf going out to Eddie and Sophie, coming right at you from WFMU!" -- An elated caller, dedicating Asia's "Heat of the Moment" to his two children
"I'm fine. I'm the one bringin' it. I'm trapped. Trapped. Apparently I'm doing the show from Arkham Asylum somehow." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he ended up in the DC Universe psych ward
"I'm the victim. I saw Death to Smoochy." -- Tom, zinging a belligerent and employed Jon Stewart

[More to come.]

"I've got one thing to say to yez: Happy Belabored Hoagie Days, Tom!" -- Philly Boy Roy, making a triumphant return to the show
"I had to rent a huge oice chest to keep 'em fresh." -- Philly Boy Roy on the storage solution for his 232 Christmas gifts
"We had like a little bit of string, it's kinda like a rope, you know, to keep people away, to keep the children away." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the sole safety precautions for his New Year's M-80 bomb raid
"That boy sure does have a smooth tongue." -- Philly Boy Roy, embracing his son's ability to seduce local law enforcement officials to surrender their clothing and firearms
"It's kinda like that Charles Bronson movie Hard Times, but for kids. I'm the ref!" -- Philly Boy Roy on his son's violent television project
"Are you okay? Ok, because I forgot to ask you if you was strapped in and helmeted." -- Philly Boy Roy, making sure Tom was not injured by his candicacy
"That's how we do it in Philly. Every two weeks." -- Philly Boy Roy on his city's eccentric bathing habits
"Like a mitten, like you put on your hand? Oh. my. God." -- Philly Boy Roy, expressing shock at the name of one of his fellow Republicans
"I like-a this guy ... Roy. He is good guy." -- Borat Oblama, stumping for Philly Boy Roy's candidacy
"He's nuts" -- Rhoda Ziegler (off-air) on Tom's bizarre statements during her husband's call

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 1/8/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Daily Void - "Die Stiletto"

( Click here to buy Identification Code: 5271-4984953784-06564)

Sonic Chicken 4 - "Shalalalalove"

( Click here to buy Sonic Chicken 4)

New Salem Witch Hunters - "Falling"

( Click here to buy New Salem Witch Hunters)

The Othermothers - "Rodeo" (from the 1986 Welcome to Comboland compilation)

( Click here to visit the Return to Comboland website)

Guv'ner - "Anything"

( Click here to buy Spectral Worship)

Grover - "Superhero"

( Click here to buy My Wild Life)

Brad Laner - "Alambres"

( Click here to buy Neighbor Singing)

Alcest - "Souvenirs D'un Autre Monde"

( Click here to buy Souvenirs D'un Autre Monde)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Sweeney Tom: The Demon Barber of Velndonom Way." »

January 8, 2008

Chinese Food, Maker's Mark, and Me.

[Quotes stricken by WGAE President Michael Winship. He did allow me to replace them with a picture of a hot cup of tea, which you can see below.]


UPDATE: I just cleared one quote (thanks, Worldwide Pants Incorporated!):

"It's Jesus' birthday, but the tea is still too hot." -- Seth Galifianakis

[TBSOWFMU - 12/25/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians of the British Empire - "A Quick One (Pete Townsend's Christmas)" (for the soon-to-be-sued Samir!)

( Click here to buy Christmas 1979)

Thee Headcoats - "Reindeer Are Wild"

( Click here to buy Heavens to Murgatroyd Even! Its Thee Headcoats! (Already))

Redd Kross - "Super Sunny Christmas"

( Click here to buy Santa's Got A GTO: Rodney On The ROQ's Christmas)

Shalini - "December Rose"

( Click here to buy The Surface and the Shine)

Statehood - "Transfixed"

( Click here to buy Lies and Rhetoric)

Bottomless Pit - "Dogtag"

( Click here to buy Hammer of the Gods)

Mekons - "Last Dance"

( Click here to buy Fear and Whiskey)

The Pogues ft. Kirsty MacColl - "Fairytale of New York"

( Click here to buy If I Should Fall from Grace with God)

Bonus Track:

The Scorpions ft. Werner and Rutager - "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Chinese Food, Maker's Mark, and Me." »

December 5, 2007

Danzig V: How the Gods Govern.

"I threw up writing it, and Trent threw up reading it, and the guy who made the copies of it -- he threw up while he was making the copies of it. It's so sick." -- Glenn Danzig on the vomit-inducing adaptation of his The Flesh Devourers comic
"I think I could really do a lot for that crappy town." -- Glenn Danzig, catching the Newbridge political fever
"No, Doyle's not a teacher. It would be someone who's actually qualified." -- Glenn Danzig, dismissing Tom's assumption that he'd employ his former Misfits bandmate in his new mentoring program
"At night, they'd come to Lodi High to play some basketball, and the place would just stink to low Hell." -- Glenn Danzig, reminiscing about his encounters with the Newbridge "sewer monkeys"
"I don't want to contribute to Tina's, you know, whatever, delinquency. I'll let her figure that out herself when she's 12 or something." -- Glenn Danzig, deciding against getting his eight-year-old niece a Bratz doll for Christmas
"Or before. Or during! I come off stage several times to change." -- Glenn Danzig, giving Tom plenty of options for having a beer at the KernDome show

[TBSOWFMU - 11/27/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Drive Like Jehu - "New Math"

( Click here to buy Yank Crime)

Imperial Teen - "Lipstick"

( Click here to buy What Is Not To Love)

Coffin Break - "Pop Fanatic"

( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til The Stardust Motel)

Bloodsport - "Mettle of Man"

( Click here to buy the I Am Game EP for $126!)

Sorry - "One More Step"

( Click here to get the Bands That Could Be God: The CONFLICT Compilation)

The Capstan Shafts - "'Lauren Behold' (A Discussion with a Stripper Over Canadian Style Health Care)"

( Click here to buy Her Versus The Sad Cold Eventually)

Big Red Bus - "Cathedral Walls"

( Click here to buy The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 1 )

Guided By Voices - "Of Mites and Men"

( Click here to buy Earthquake Glue)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Danzig V: How the Gods Govern." »

November 27, 2007

A Decade Under the Influence.


"Every time I go into myyyyy dungeon, The Orioles are playing in McCarren Park ..." -- Tom, serenading the Man From Another Era
"I know, it drives me nuts how popular Metallica are now with kids." -- Tom, joining Spike in his disgust at the heavy metal favorites
"A denim salesman wouldn't dress a mannequin in denim as much as he was dressed in denim that day at Altamont." -- Tom, criticizing Marty Balin's attire at the infamous 1969 concert
"Are these the best songs to work out to or is he just literally listing the Wayne's World 2 soundtrack?" -- Tom, speculating on the source of Jeff Pearlman's ultimate workout mix
"They gave me a huge advance, which, I'll be honest, I blew on coke and ... well ... coke." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, snorting his Rock, Rot & Rule loot
"And I also said that he joined The Chieftains, and I also said that he killed his mother." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, playing loose with Larry Mullen, Jr.'s biography
"No, actually they called me 'The Conductor' because I used to orchestrate these elaborate sex scenes that I'd film at parties, and I use them to blackmail people." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle on the origins of his seemingly cocaine-themed nickname
"I like the Brian Setzer Orchestra just fine, but I'm more into rock and pop." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, explaining that he's not a big jazz fan
"Oh, you mean like Big Spider-Man?" -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, confusing 1920s jazz pioneer Bix Beiderbecke with the webbed, Civil War-era superhero
"He's kinda weird-looking actually. He's small, but he looks like he could be either 12 or 47." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle on a young or old Dom Scharpling
"'Rock' comma 'Rot' and, in parentheses, 'he will' out of parentheses 'Rule' back into parentheses 'You' comma 'Newbridge' close parentheses. It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?" -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, revealing his catchy Newbridge mayubernatorial slogan
"I think everyone should be able to smoke wherever and whenever and whatever they want." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, bucking public opinion for a bold pro-smoking platform
"My first act is gonna entail you being drawn and quartered. Count on it! Yep, just gotta find the right artist first." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, vowing to ink Tom's inagural beating
"Get ready to swim, cause it's gonna be fun, except for the part where you drown." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, pointing out one downside to the annual Turkey Pancake Fun Swim
"Yeah, hey, I've got this candy bar. It's made out of gravel, filth, dirt, and rocks. But it's magical!" -- Tom, concocting a confection to go with Citizen Cope's folk, blues, reggae, and R&B smoothie
"What is this, the Michael Winslow Invitational?" -- Tom, halting a techno impression-off after one round of competition
"Let me tell you something: I'm not nuts. I'm crazy, but I know I have great songs." -- Stevie Blue on his potential for national stardom
"Yeah, that haircut. Felt like I was at that Sonics show a few weeks ago." - Tom on Anton Chigurh's garage-rocker 'do in No Country for Old Codger
"I've been at places where they've offered salt. They had a salt lick, and the guy had a hunting knife. Admittedly, I was eating on a farm." - Tom, countering a caller who's enraged by waiters offering freshly-ground pepper

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 11/20/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kay Hanley - "Spin Around" (for Jeff Pearlman!)

( Click here to buy Music From the Motion Picture Josie And The Pussycats)

DMZ - "Mighty Ida"

( Click here to buy DMZ)

Major Stars - "Can't End Today"

( Click here to buy Mirror/Messenger)

Dillinger Escape Plan - "Milk Lizard"

( Click here to buy Ire Works)

The Misfits - "We Bite"

( Click here to buy The Misfits - Box Set)

Corrosion of Conformity - "Eye For An Eye"

( Click here to buy Eye For An Eye (Plus Six Songs With Mike Singing))

Chisel - "The Unthinkable Is True"

( Click here to buy set you free)

Dolly Mixture - "Angel Treads"

( Click here to watch a live performance of "Been Teen")

"Now is the time for us to band together and fight for the things that we like and think are fun." -- Winston Churchill

Continue reading "A Decade Under the Influence." »

November 20, 2007

James Run Free.

"My goal would be someday to get a Leroy Neiman painting of myself, and hang it at the steakhouse I will have bought by then." -- Tom, wishing for some semi-abstract dining room decor
"I don't think I've read any Mark Twain since I was in school, but I have read four Henry Rollins tour diaries since then. I've read 1,000 pages of Henry Rollins." -- Tom, getting in the van instead of boarding the raft
"What's the guy doing a roast? What is he, Lisa Lampanelli? Roasting the customers?" -- Tom, trying to figure out the MO of a sassy Friars Club Applebee's waiter
"I love the show so much that I want to ruin it." -- A twitchy, sweaty James, explaining his mutant behavior in the Metropolitan Pavillion warsh room
"Is it Lenny and Squiggy? Is that where they got that from? From Of Mice of Men? I can't remember. I don't pay attention to that stuff -- it's old." -- Tom, wondering if the sitcom greasers sprung from the pages of the Steinbeck novel
"The guy's going around the bases, you think he's Lou Brock. The guy was 410 pounds." -- Tom, asking technology to slow down the Brimsteadian Bambino to his actual home run gait
"I mean, that's who I would feel sorry for -- the elf who's on wagon duty up there. Building rocking horses. That elf is in trouble. That elf is out of work now. " -- Tom, lamenting the plight of Santa's craftsman in a modern world
"What're you wearing an ascot? I can hear your ascot over the radio." -- Tom, detecting the sartorial sounds of a Criterion enthusiast
"It's a monumental slice of Americana." -- Gene Simmons on the significance of the song he co-wrote with Bob Dylan
"Oh my God, so that's like a decree of yours, or what? Coming from down on high, I guess." -- Gene, inquiring about Tom's decision to not play any Kiss records
"You're such a judger. It's like you're one of those people that creates nothing, yet judges all." -- Gene, firing back at Tom for questioning his Gold record certifications
"Lesson #1, Chet, never get married. You can have a wonderful home life and still ---- ---- - ----- as much as you want." -- Gene, offering some interpersonal advice to his GST business partner
"You know, I would ask you to be my campaign manager, but I hate you." -- Gene Simmons, denying Tom a spot on his mayubernatorial team
"Tom, it's okay to be jealous. I welcome your jealousy. I actually revel in it." -- Gene, celebrating his overstuffed wallet at Tom's expense
"You can take that to the bank. Not my bank, of course, they would never let you in the door. They'd laugh you out of it." -- Gene Simmons, directing Tom to cash his threat to turn WFMU into a car wash at a less prestigious financial institution
"Get ready. Heads will roll. Well, I should say head will roll. Yours." -- Gene Simmons, preparing Tom for an axe bass decaptiation
"You truly are sick, and you really do scare me. The only thing that doesn't worry me is that I know I could knock you out with one punch. You're very frail." -- Tom, preparing James for a KO
"You don't like it? Why not? It's just OK? It's pumpkin pie! It's The Wire of pies. It's pumpkin pie, it's so good." -- Tom, informing Mike of the proper pie hierarchy
"They don't even know what a can opener is. And I like that kind of ignorance." -- Andy from L.A. on the blissful freshness of Paquito Mas
"If the act of picking at a scab could be a human, that's what he would be." -- Tom on the personification of Coagulating James
"Maybe the one guy has the power to put you to sleep, and the other guy has the power to keep you asleep." -- Tom on the superheroic powers of rhythm section of the rock group U2
"Dutch is gonna be like George Carlin, but with less jokes." -- Tom, making a push for the Mark Twain Comedy Humour Prize

[TBSOWFMU - 11/13/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Warwick - "Let's Get The Party Going"

( Click here to buy Velvet Tinmine - 20 Junk Shop Glam Ravers)

BMX Bandits - "Top Shop Girl"

( Click here to buy C86-Plus)

The Brilliant Corners - "Friday Saturday Sunday Monday"

( Click here to buy Friday Saturday Sunday Monday)

Rocket from the Crypt - "Sturdy Wrists"

( Click here to buy Circa Now! (+4))

Fatal Flying Guilloteens - "Reveal The Rats"

( Click here to buy Quantum F**king (A Fictitious Real Life Account Of Young Love In The Streets))

Lynnfield Pioneers - "Add It Up"

( Click here to buy Emerge for 39 cents)

J Church - "Bomb"

( Click here to buy Camels, Spilled Corona and the Sound of Mariachi Bands)

Holy F**K - "Lovely Allen"

( Click here to buy LP)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "James Run Free." »

November 13, 2007

Musical Thrones.

"It doesn't get any more coked-out than that. Just singing about coke spoons. Like they're not even trying to cleverly disguise it." - Tom on Humble Pie's monthlong descent into the pit of the Marriott
"Guy had everyone on the run. I can only imagine what it must have been like in that van, going cross-country with that lunatic." -- Tom on the volatile dynamic within the real Pavement ft. Gary Young
"People are very intimidated by the drums. When I show up to a gig they immediately, as soon as they hear me play, they walk away because they're afraid, they're afraid of the truth of rhythm." -- Jens Hannemann, instilling fear in his potential audience
"A lot of my students always quit after one lesson 'cause I think they have a lot to think about." -- Jens Hannemann, overwhelming his potential pupils
"There are many thrones and chairs in music. We can all create them or we can all sit in them." -- Sonny Rollins, imparting his wisdom on the correlation between sound and furniture
"They're not good at all. They're the worst group of them all. Too slow. Too slow. A really bad group." -- Jens Hannemann on Charlatan & Garfunkel
"Planet Earth is the ultimate drum circle, and I want to be the conductor of it." -- Jens, looking to lead a worldwide rototom symphony
"It's going to sound disgusting, but, you know, music is always for me like when you're with your partner physically. Your body does the same things. Lot of sweating, a lot of sweating." -- Jens on the similarity between the intensity of his drumming and his love-making sessions
"I played it for my 4-year-old nephew, who was crying so much from happiness." -- Jens on the strong audience reaction inspired by his 40-minute drum compostion about the troubles in Pakistan
"Spend all your money and buy the most expensive equipment you could ever find." -- Jens, giving some crucial advice to the novice drummer
"I don't have many friends, but I consider you now a friend, and, in a way, my best friend." -- Jens, forming a peculiarly strong bond with Tom during their first conversational jam session
"Music is like my daughter -- she always wants more ... food." -- Jens on the insatiability of his craft

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 11/6/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Boris with Merzbow - "Pink" (live)

( Click here to pre-order Rock Dream)

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - "Ghetto Mom"

( Click here to buy Juke Box Explosion (Rockin' Mid-90's Punkers!))

Trenchmouth - "Here Come the Automata"

( Click here to buy Trenchmouth Vs. The Light Of The Sun)

The Bongos - "Three Wise Men"

( Click here to buy the Drums Along The Hudson SE)

Hawkwind - "Days of the Underground"

( Click here to buy Quark Strangeness and Charm)

The Ugly Beats - "Get In Line"

( Click here to buy Take a Stand with The Ugly Beats)

The Mountain Goats - "The Young Thousands"

( Click here to buy We Shall All Be Healed)

The Forms - "Bones"

( Click here to buy The Forms)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Musical Thrones." »

October 30, 2007

Take Up Thy Voice Modulator and Talk (Original Mono Version).

"Apparently all the talent in The Pink Floyd was in the word 'the.' Who could have ever predicted that?" -- Tom on the creative juice concentrated in the band's crucial article
"Well, you know, he puts you in a trance and basically he makes you do stuff -- stuff you'd never do of your own coalition." -- Bryce Prefontaine, explaining the act of an erotic hypnotist
"Of course the ones the kids get, they'll be really small. Yeah, don't worry, the little dudes will be able to bake, too, but just not as big as the big dudes." -- Bryce, announcing his plans to distribute miniature bongs to Newbridge children
"I've done my research, now you do yours. The opus is on you, man. -- Bryce, challenging Tom to dispute his findings that 75% of U.S. Presidents were lifelong pot smokers
"I promise the thickest pancakes in all of Newbridge. And the most potent. They're gonna have hash in them." -- Bryce, enticing voters with a Midnight Pancake Munchie Party
"I wanted to tie my love-making [to the Dead] so we'd achieve an X-rated space -- not Drums/Space!" -- Bryce on the inspiration for the soundtrack to The Sheila Larson Sessions
"Just for bein' so L7 -- you never wanna catch a groove and just ride it." -- Bryce, sentencing Tom to jail/death for being a member of the Uptight Citizens Brigade
"Welcome to the circle of grossness, lindonberry cake. I will never eat you again." -- Tom, throwing the IKEA dessert into his culinary Hate Pit
"I like the idea that I'm putting someone who's Jewish on the defensive about eating a bagel in New York." -- Tom, turning the tables on Erika from Baltimore
"I'm like PetSmart, and you guys are like the weird Silver Lake Pet Shop." -- Tom, distinguishing his Big Box program from the the Mom-and-Pop podcastketeers

[More to come.]

"There are people that hunger for Scharpling & Wurster's style of comedy so badly that haven't even heard them yet. I envy those people; they are in for a splendid discovery indeed." - Paul F. Tompkins, AST Comedy Zone, 10/25/07

[TBSOWFMU - 10/23/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Zoo - "Hard Times, Good Times"

( Click here to buy Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970)

Sir Lord Baltimore - "Helium Head (I Got A Love)"

( Click here to buy Kingdom Come)

Pylon - "Human Body"

( Click here to buy Gyrate +)

Saturday Looks Good To Me - "(Even If You Die On The) Ocean"

( Click here to buy Fill Up the Room)

Tiny Masters Of Today - "Radio Riot"

( Click here to buy Bang Bang Boom Cake)

Delta 5 - "Train Song"

( Click here to buy Singles & Sessions 1979 to 1981)

Slant 6 - "Thirty-Thirty Vision"

( Click here to buy Soda Pop*Rip Off)

Scout Niblett - "Hide and Seek"

( Click here to buy This Fool Can Die Now)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Take Up Thy Voice Modulator and Talk (Original Mono Version)." »

October 23, 2007


"Half the guys on the Red Sox look like GG Allin. These mustaches, these weird beards, and shaved heads. I'm expecting to see Merle Allin in the dugout cheering them on." -- Tom on the gutter punks of Fenway Park
"The doctors at the hospital are so good. They know just how far to push you with the yelling and the shoving." -- Ken Rogers on his (supposedly) effective therapy sessions at Newbridge Mormon Regional
"Do you exist, or are you just like some weird reflection of me?" -- Tom, asking ROY Eddie if he's the man in his mirror
"You know what, let's stop stepping outside of stuff." -- Tom, retiring the word "meta" and embracing the real world

[More to come.]

"I'm not hateful, I'm just very selective about who I like and don't like, just like you!" -- Timmy von Trimble, explaining his extreme lack of diversity

"It's the stuff that makes you a dude -- you don't have that stuff." -- TvT, confirming Tom's lack of a manly substance called testoblerone
"Eww. Not really, no. Not at all. Are you feeling that?" -- TvT, rejecting the hip-hop artist Jay-Z
"What's wrong with that? I mean, who doesn't like to have thick pancakes at night?" -- TvT, defending the carb-heavy supper/political rally he's hosting
"Well, they're really low, I guess. They're kinda at the very bottom of poles." -- TvT on his ubiquitous but still easy to miss Von Trimble stickers
Well, not you, I mean, you wouldn't be a part of this because of your whole deal. You know, your creepiness and jerkiness. -- TvT, excluding Tom from his political vision for Newbridge
"Get ready to meet my little, teeny, tiny boots. Stompin's afoot!" -- TvT, warning Tom to prepare for his crawl through the gauntlet

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 10/16/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Donnie Iris - "Ah! Leah!"

( Click here to buy Back on the Streets)

The Donnas - "Smoke You Out"

( Click here to buy Bitchin')

Cloak/Dagger - "Hollywood Hills"

( Click here to buy We Are)

The Cynics - "The Ring"

( Click here to buy Here We Are)

The Modern Lovers - "She Cracked"

( Click here to buy The Modern Lovers re-issue)

The Tough & Lovely - "Heavenly Bodies Fall"

( Click here to buy Teardrops)

Damon & Naomi - "The Turnaround"

( Click here to buy Within These Walls)

Rotomagus - "Eros"

( Click here to e-mail Sam Seidr and beg for a copy of Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Testoblerone." »

October 15, 2007

Deltoid Blues.

"Whaddya got some nougat? Chompin' away up there? Sounds good." -- ScharplingTron 3000®, longing for some of Scratchy Record's snack
"It's all or nothing in this life. It's all or nothing. Champs like me can relate to that stuff." -- Tom, dipping into the bottomless ABBA box for "The Winner Takes It All"
"I think managing a baseball team is about as hard as ... I don't know ... as hard as ... ehhhhhhh ... opening a Hotmail account?" -- Tom on sleepyhead Joe Torre's undemanding job
"Did they recover her stuff yet? Any of it? -- Tom, after hearing that Martha from Knoxville stayed at a Holiday Inn in Jersey City
"It's shameful. You're a professional. Don't cry. It's not like they're barging the guy -- it's not Newbridge." -- Tom, trying to give Suzyn Waldman some perspective on her 110-year-old buddy's imminent firing
"No, Mike, the guy looks deranged, though. Are you sure you don't wanna see it? Guy doesn't look right. I think he's got mental problems." -- Tom, confirming that Mike has no interest in Lars Ulrich and the Real Girl
"My favorite part was when the kid kept kicking my seat. And since it was my favorite part, I'm glad he kept doing it for five hours." -- Tom on his turbulent flight from Newbridge International to Weird-O-Wood Intranational
"I've heard people rave about the beauty. They say it's got like the charm of an Italian village." -- Tom on the idyllic terrain of Houston, Texas, the pre-fab home of oil tycoons and obese cowboys
"Mmmmm, bubble tea. Are there any made with wax?" -- Tom, asking Laurie about the mixology of P*ong's $14 cocktails
"A hundred listeners. I light cigars with a hundred listeners!" -- Tom, hurting the Guys With Feelings
"This is actually the drainchild of Radio Hut co-founder Reginald Cooper and pharmaceutical empress mario Maurice Kern." -- Tank, explaining the origins of Deltoid Airlines
"Yes, they have a cow-slapping competition there every year. It's great." -- Tank on the attractions in the party town of Metzger Falls, Idaho
"It was over whose quads were more defined. Why?" -- Tank on his falling out with Horse from Jock Squad
"My first act as may-ore will be to crush your head between my calves in public." -- Tank, promising a violent start to his administration
"I mean, there aren't that many signatures you need to get in there." -- Mike, The Reluctant Candidate, on the lax requirements to get on the ballot in the Newbridge Mayubernatorial race

[TBSOWFMU - 10/9/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Nellie McKay - "Oversure"

( Click here to buy Obligatory Villagers)

XTC - "Life Begins At The Hop"

( Click here to buy Drums and Wires)

Fastbacks - "Run No More"

( Click here to buy The Question is NO)

The Motards - "Girl Like You"

( Click here to buy Saturday Night Special Ed.)

Eater - "Room For One"

( Click here to buy The Complete Eater)

Githead (ft. Wire's Colin Newman) - "These Days"

( Click here to buy Art Pop)

Robert Pollard - "I Clap For Strangers"

Robert Pollard - "Spider Eyes"

( Click here to buy Coast to Coast Carpest of Love / Standard Gargoyle Decisions)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Deltoid Blues." »

October 2, 2007

Super Troupers.

"Those are weirdo dogs. Only a weirdo would like a dog like that." -- Tom on Spike's preference for hut dogs
"Let me get this straight, you saw Patton Oswald, and it was good?" -- Tom, wrapping his head around Ryan in Miami's first live comedy experience
"Wait a minute. There's somebody playing tambourine in a Christian rock group?" -- Tom on Bonnie's suprising role in On Purpose
"Some people might think the entire movie's a blooper reel." -- Tom on The Cannonball Run material that precedes its actual Citizen Kane-level outtakes
"I used to put that hot sauce on everything. Rickey's. What, I'm gonna eat that, find one of his stringy mullet hairs in it? I don't want that." -- Tom, abandoning Billy Mitchell's condiment
"I like Joe Don Baker, and I like the word 'squirrelly'." -- Tom, outlining his reasons for accepting Weirder Jon's Cape Fear quotation
"People need their head examined if they think that's hilarious." -- Tom, diagnosing fans of the dirty but decidedly unfunny Blazing Saddles
"I like to go over my friend Craig's house. He usually has some guy from One Tree Hill hangin' out over there." -- Paul F. Tompkins on the laidback United Kingdom charms of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Why don't they ask me to do one of these Cannonball things?" -- Frank Sinatra, wondering why Hal Needham & Co. didn't add him to the ensemble
"I'm like the 'Leave Britney Alone' guy, but with Kanyay West." -- Tom, comparing his Kanyay support to Chris Crocker's passionate pleas on behalf of a post-VMAs Spears
"How are Mike Leigh's films like the TV show Good Times?" -- Olivia, asking a valid question
"I expressly requested that they discontinue the Wi-Fi down in the Hate Pit." -- Tom, after getting an IM GOMP request from Matthew Fluxblog
"I don't want some dumb Preston Sturges movie on the list -- I gotta make way for these 17 Mr. Brooks quotes." -- Tom, banning boring old screwball comedies to clear the path for Costner's modern masterwork

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 9/25/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Big L - "Ebonics"

( Click here to buy The Big Picture)

The Shocking Pinks - "Victims"

( Click here to buy Shocking Pinks)

Shout Out Louds - "Time Left For Love"

( Click here to buy Our Ill Wills)

Eric's Trip - "View Master"

( Click here to buy Forever Again)

Mickey and the Salty Sea Dogs - "Mighty Thing"

( Click here to buy Saltwater and Whiskey)

Heavy Trash - "Outside Chance"

( Click here to buy Going Way Out with Heavy Trash)

Baroness - "Wanderlust"

( Click here to buy The Red Album)

Neil Handburger - "Paul Newman" (excerpt)

( Click here to buy Comedy Death-Ray)

Bonus Track:

Public Enemy - "Caught, Can We Get A Witness?"

( Click here to buy It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Super Troupers." »

September 18, 2007

Venison Stew.

"Whaddya think it's Road Warrior up here? We got nothin'? I gotta drive 14 hours down there to get some food?" -- Tom, declining to travel to Roswell, GA, for a vegan feast and Whirlyball match
"Protective goggles? You're throwing a Wiffle ball around, you're worried about losin' an eye? Really?" -- Tom, questioning the necessity of Henry Owings's protective Whirlyball gear
"I'd put Ringo Starr. His recorded output in that era. Little more tuneful." -- Tom, offering a replacement for The Jesus Lizard as Best Band on Earth circa 1989-1993
"It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit." -- Michael K. from The Cynics, revealing his less-than-inviting tourism slogan for "The PItts"
"How 'bout some craftmanship, guys! You write a song, you maybe take a page out of somebody like a Gilbert O'Sullivan. Guy writes a nice song." -- Tom, aborting an Unfair Record Review of The Jesus Lizard's Liar due to nauseating songsmithing
"If that's the effect of Bigelow Tea, I'm going to buy a hot cup of Joe. No wonder the Yankees are having such a hard time this year -- this guy's falling asleep in the dugout." -- Tom on Joe Torre's unintentional advertisement for the coffee industry
"If there's any justice, that guy would've gotten his hands crushed on the Ford assembly plant." -- Tom, wishing for a poetic end to Ted Nugent's musical and hunting career
Two for Tuesday!: "Nice job, Super Dave Osbourne. I don't know if that was him or something from Madame Tussaud's." / "I thought Tales from the Crypt was on. I was like, why are they are going to a party at The Cryptkeeper's house?" -- Tom on the waxy, decaying visage of Marty Funkhauser in the Curb premiere
"If you're Mr. Nature, you don't shoot things in nature." -- Tom, questioning the legitimacy of Ted Nugent's love of the outdoors
"You know what? If Michael Anthony is selling a barbecue sauce, I gotta come up with some kind of food or drink to start selling." -- Tom, getting the inspiration to concoct his Motormouth Energy Drink®
"She's as gentle as can be, but she's got bloodlust. She loves the taste of human blood. I trained her to enjoy the taste of human blood. And human flesh." -- Tom on turning Dogmo into a vampire
"You know what's the most surprising thing about that? Al Goldstein actually can afford to own a hat at this point." -- Tom on the biggest shock of the beleaguered smut peddler's hat toss into the 2008 Presidential ring
"Stone, it's Horse. What up, bro? Dude, you're never gonna believe this. You remember that MILF that was in here two days ago looking to get her husband's computer fixed? I totally got with her in the back room just now. Oh my God, it was great. She came to pick up the computer, and I was doin' reps, of course. She must've been turned on by my glistening delts or something -- and I don't blame her. But, the best part is not only did I get some of the sweet stuff, but I also ripped her off for like $800 bucks. I didn't even fix her husbands computer. I just used some of that Goof-Off®, that liquid stuff, to get some of the stains off of it. I'll send you some of the .jpgs of our session ... um ... later on tonight, OK? Alright bro, I'll see ya tomorrow. It was one for the books." -- Horse!, leaving a message for a co-worker on live radio
"I mean, they'll still learn other stuff like reading and rithmotic. And write-ing." -- Horse on the flexibility of his proposal to require 40 hours/week of physical fitness for Newbridge schoolchildren
"You what else I think they'll love? When you get tried and executed for crimes against Newbridge." -- Horse, looking to garner support for a key component of his Repspublican Party platform: killing Tom Scharpling
"Let me go get the calipers out on some of these people calling her fat. Let's go do some body mass tests on these people." -- Tom, looking to quantify the flab of Britney's critics
"We're in the kingdom of the Crystal Skull! GIVE ME BACK MY CRYSTAL SKULL!" -- Tom, revealing Harrison Ford's clenched-mouth catchphrase from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Skeletor's Havoc Staff

[TBSOWFMU - 9/11/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Witchcraft - "If Crimson Was Your Colour"

( Click here to pre-order The Alchemist)

Black Francis - "Captain Pasty"

( Click here to buy Bluefinger)

Georgie James - "Only 'Cause You're Young"

( Click here to buy Places)

Barbara Manning - "Something You've Got (Isn't Good)"

( Click here to buy Super Scissors)

Rogue Wave - "Like I Needed"

( Click here to buy Asleep At Heaven's Gate)

Jay Reatard - "Wounded"

( Click here to visit the Jay Reatard weblog)

The Coathangers - "Parking Lot"

( Click here to buy The Coathangers)

The Move - "Do Ya"

( Click here to buy Message from the Country)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Venison Stew." »

September 4, 2007

Greasy Funk Stuff.

"I wish I could hit the button and the calls would be like flowing like gravy. Like good, funny, gravy." -- Tom, longing for less pre-topic viscosity
"Let me present to you, people of the jury, why we should take our bar vacation to South America. Exhibit A: this brochure I procured from a local travel agent." -- Paul from Nashville, litigating his rich people's problem in his apartment
"What was that over, which display was more boring?" -- Tom, trying to figure out why a college classroom nearly came to blows over historical recreations
"I don't like it. My Tommy Sense was tingling." -- Tom, reading some mutant mischief tells and folding
"You might want to look into a guitar with an amplifier next time, and a drummer maybe, if you want to get more in the Husker Du neighborhood." -- Tom, trying to help Nashville's answer to Flight of the Conchords sound more like early 1980s Minneapolis-St. Paul hardcore
"Irony don't get you through the night. Irony. It's easy. It's cheap. It's wrong! And you know it. You were a weisenheimer, and you regret it." -- Tom, counseling Paul on flicking a hipster jab at local comedian The Counterpuncher
"I'd go in my backyard. I catch Tony Alba back there. I hit him with a rake." -- Tom, punishing the skateboarding legend for criminal trespassing and property destruction
"Nobody wants to hear a hippie play a lute, cancer or no cancer. Come on!" -- ArchStanton, discovering a nasty side-effect of Canada's health care system
"I've got dental insurance!" -- John Junk, proposing a meager comeback to his blowout L at the hands of a young art student
"I was just so into the greasy funk those guys were laying down that I just had to get up and express myself through dancing ... and singing." -- Darren, riding the wave of sonic bliss at Allan Toussaint's concert last Saturday night
"You know what? On some sick level, I liked it, but only because it was embarrassing." -- Tom on Darren's performance of "The Robot" during Toussaint's set
"I didn't even have good seats, and I could see him rolling his eyes." -- Tom on Toussaint's sarcastic praise of Darren's air guitar antics
"It's so cool. It's probably the coolest thing I've ever seen on TV, of course I haven't seen that Cavemen show yet." -- Darren on the "Viva Viagra" television commercial that inspired his new bandana-based hairdo
"This isn't because you heard I groom myself down there is it?" -- Darren, suggesting a reason for Tom being jealous of him
"He's actually a decent kid, I should say. Knows when to make himself scarce. Doesn't impede our sessions, if you know what I mean. They're long sessions, too." -- Darren, praising Sky Stalker's respect for his epic lovemaking with Part Female, Part Party Animal Sheila Larson
"Please do not barge my brother." -- Tom, begging Darren to have mercy on Dom Scharpling
"I want people to know that when I'm elected things are gonna be groovin'. You know, it'll be kinda chill, but we'll get stuff done. But we'll chill out, too." -- Darren, stating the platform of his Greasy Funk Party
"But you have like to make yourself like a fake person kind of, Tommy. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be a real person." -- Petey, explaining why he avoids asking his boss how to properly scan merchandise when working the cash register at his new job
"Is that the guy from Blur?" -- Tom, asking Laurie about the identity of conceptual artist Damien Hirst

[TBSOWFMU - 8/28/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Les Savy Fav - "The Equestrian"

( Click here to pre-order Let's Stay Friends on 12" vinyl from the Whirlyball Gift Shop)

Grafton - "Never Had Less"

( Click here to buy Jumpstart Wire)

Gaunt - "Each And Every Side Effect"

( Click here to buy Sob Story)

One Last Wish - "Loss Like A Seed"

( Click here to buy 1986)

Pinback - "Good To Sea"

( Click here to pre-order Autumn Of The Seraphs)

Young Marble Giants - "Music For Evenings"

( Click here to buy Colossal Youth)

Dean & Britta - "You Turned My Head Around"

( Click here to buy Back Numbers)

Peter Sarstedt - "Where Do You Go To My Lovely"

( Click here to pre-order The Darjeeling Limited soundtrack)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Greasy Funk Stuff." »

August 28, 2007

Best Show 4 Life!

"Me and my little ABBA box. It's all I got. It's all I got in this world. Little ABBA box. Isn't that right, ABBA box, with all your tiny little albums inside? It's all I got." -- Tom, finding solace in his collection of Swedish pop
"I might as well just put in on my GPS system 'Count Dracula's Castle', that's what it felt like I was driving to." -- Tom on his unintentional journey through Transylvania
"Seriously. Come on. It's art! It's art! Learn!" -- Tom, urging a Tommy Bahama-clad piece of Shore Trash to fill a gap in his adult knowledge
"There's gangs in Belleville?" -- Tom, discovering the rougher side of Essex County
"I think I was putting Iraq like where Spain is. Embarassing. I'm an adult. I'm a full-grown adult and I can't even look at the map of the world, and I can't even put cities where cities are and countries where countries are." -- Tom on his lack of Geosense
"Is there anybody running around in a diaper and a Foghat t-shirt?" -- Tom trying to figure out if a caller is stationed in Williamsburg
"I'm actually ready to loop around with Caddyshack to start quoting Danny Noonan." -- Tom, coming full circle on the links laffer
"I'll never be a physicist." -- 42-year-old, mojito-soaked Ian from Rockaway Beach, finally giving up hope on a career in the sciences
"What? How am I eating this? With my hands?! In my mouth?!" -- A confused old man, becoming a reluctant 'Zabra at a pizza place in South River
"He's handsome." -- Tom on Blue Collar comedian Ron White
"He's not rednecky enough for me. He seems a little tame around the edges, you know?" - Zach, telling Jeff Foxworthy that he might be a redneck if ... he tries a little harder
"I'm not saying you weren't creepy, but we had creepier fans." -- Big Dipper guitarist Gary Waleik, putting Tom's die-hard fandom in perspective
"I might do all four. That'll creep you out again. I wanna bring back that creepy feeling. Bring back that late-80s creepy feeling. Tom will be back scaring the members of Big Dipper again." -- Tom, threatening to prove him wrong
"You know curse words. We get it. You know how to curse. Duly noted! Logged. You can stop now." -- Tom on Bob Saget, newest resident of The Best Show Hate Pit
"No, you know what that implies? That implies insanity from the father. Wolfgang. Name your kid Wolfgang. What's wrong with you Eddie Van Halen? Wolfgang." -- Tom, disapproving of EVH saddling his son/new bassist with a name better suited for a classical composer or celebrity chef
"I don't know, when I'm eating my tuna melt, I don't wanna watch two guys beating the crap out of each other." -- Forrest, leaving the UFC at his local diner
"I'd like to take him, cover him in gravy, and let Dogmo go to town." -- Tom, issuing his own sentence for disgraced dogfighter Michael Vick
"The world's changing. We gotta change it back." -- Tom on the dwindling paper trail of life
"I think I killed a guy. I think I ran over a dude." -- Phily Boy Roy on his horse-and-buggy rampage on route to buy cigs
"Look. This is what I do. What're we gonna do? I'm here. I'll be here. When it ends, I end it." -- Tom, courageously fighting the status quo on his terms

[TBSOWFMU - 8/21/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Imperial Teen - "Sweet Potato"

( Click here to buy The Hair the TV the Baby & the Band)

Miss Alex White & The Red Orchestra - "Future Talk"

( Click here to buy Space & Time)

Tranzmitors - "Plastic Genocide"

( Click here to buy Tranzmitors)

Soccer Team - "Cavity Called Home"

( Click here to buy 'Volunteered' Civility and Professionalism)

Travis Morrison Hellfighters - "Saturday Night"

( Click here to buy All Y'all)

Golden Boys - "Yeah I Wanna Know"

( Click here to buy Whiskey Flower)

Babylon Dance Band - "Baby Boom"

The Endtables - "White Glove Test"

( Click here to buy Bold Beginnings: An Incomplete Collection of Louisville Punk 1978-83)

Bonus Tracks:

Volcano Suns (ft. Gary Waleik) - "Nature and Me"

( Click here to buy Farced)

The Embarrassment - "Drive Me to the Park"

( Click here to buy Hey Day - 1979-1983 from iTunes)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Best Show 4 Life!" »

August 21, 2007

At What Price?

"It was strange. Very strange. I've dealt with Stevie Blue. This was even stranger than Stevie Blue." -- Mike the Associate Producer on receiving a dead fish from a young boy dressed like Oliver Twist
"What am I supposed to do? Cook it tonight? Good old-fashioned fish-fry?" -- Tom, contemplating what to do with his unwelcome guest
"If you pull the plug, can I have your home phone number?" -- Dave from Knoxville, trying to maintain his connection with The Kid
"My name Basil? No. I'm not one of your guinea pigs. Am I in a cage? No. I'm not one of your guinea pigs. Am I drinking water out of an eye-dropper? No. I'm not one of your guinea pigs." -- Tom, holding off on an iPhone purchase until 2009
"Seriously. You didn't write The Bible. It's Clerks." -- Tom, putting Kevin Smith's debut in perspective
"Yeah, you might want to hurry on that one. Red State. Why don't you just call the movie Soccer Mom, time-stamp it a little harder." -- Tom, pointing out the expiration date on Kevin Smith's new horror project
"You know what? I got the microphone right now, you tub of goo. You fat bully. I'm comin' after you!" -- Tom, quitting the show to hunt down his Jersey nemesis
"If you are even the slightest bit off, you are off ... my phone." -- Tom, instituting a "Normals Only" policy
"Who doesn't like watching old kinescopes of Ernie Kovacs? Me. Actually, I don't. That stuff's pretty bad." -- Tom, denying the television pioneer New Jersey ambassador status
"He blew up that children's hospital Jersey-style!" -- Tom, admiring the panache of Trenton-born Gulf War commander General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
"You know what? I could be sittin' at home coloring in a coloring book if I wanted to." -- Tom, making alternate plans for future Tuesday nights
"Why would anyone ever want to leave New Jersey?" - Jack Nicholson in the Sean Penn cover story in the September 2007 Esquire
"Anytime Jason Lee does a kids movie, I'm there." -- Tom, giving into the cinematic hijinks of the skateboarding Scientologist
"Hitler. Enough with this Hitler guy. I don't like him. The jury's in. Thumbs down." -- Tom, issuing judgment on the star of The History Channel
"They kinda looked at me like I was from out of space. Like I was from planet Marzuk or something." -- Philly Boy Roy, lamenting his unrequited call-and-response during a performance of "Amish Nights"
"You know what I'm devout to? Air conditioning! I was like, 'Crank it up, man!'" -- Philly Boy Roy, looking for some relief during nem three-hour church services
"Well, they're nowhere as cool as you think they're gonna be. They took all my spank mags. Whatever happened to freedom of speech?" -- Philly Boy Roy, grappling with the strict policies of his new, surprisingly unhip community
"Alright, well I'm gonna puke and then pray for you tomorrow in church." -- Philly Boy Roy, bidding farewell to The Best Show

[TBSOWFMU - 8/14/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Royal Purple - "The Wind"

( Click here to request Psychoacoustics for FREE!)

Eisley - "Many Funerals"

( Click here to buy Combinations)

Robert Pollard and His Soft Rock Renegades - "Kickboxer Lightning"

( Click here to buy Choreographed Man of War)

Nina Nastasia and Jim White - "I Come After You"

( Click here to buy You Follow Me)

Deadline - "close door"

( Click here to buy 8/2/82)

Rain - "That Time of Year"

( Click here to buy La Vache Qui Rit)

Foogayzee Limo Co. - "Back To Base"

( Click here to buy Red Medicine)

Petra Haden - "Don't Stop Believin'" (Journey cover)

( Click here to pre-order Guilt By Association)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "At What Price?" »

August 13, 2007

Hall & Oatestory.


"Well, you know, we have a number of other goods and services you might find interestin'. Have you ever thought about toilet insurance?" -- Philly Boy Roy, attempting to sell Kern products to Mr. W. Fmu
"Somehow when I read nem words get messed up between the page and my mouth. And some of nem words I just don't know, too." -- Philly Boy Roy, getting lost in the translation of his sales pitch
"I'll put it gently. They was having pant rummages -- individually, not together." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why three members of The Minions were arrested during a Sri Lankan video shoot
"That's a day that will live in infantry." -- Philly Boy Roy on the historic 9/25/81The Rolling Stones show in Philadelphia
"Well, Tom, you know, it's all debit cards nowadays, and I just figured he wouldn't want it, and I could have it, you know, as a memetto." -- Philly Boy Roy, justifying his heist of Ben Gibbard's checkbook
"Beauty on a Back Street, Along the Red Ledge, X-Static? You gotta step up, my man!" -- Philly Boy Roy, delivering one of his catchphrases to a frightened Daryl Hall in the Philly is Frying pilot
"I know there's not a lot of drinkin' allowed." -- Philly Boy Roy on one of the lifestyle restrictions in his new community
"Nowhere in The Bible does it say anything about not using batteries." -- Philly Boy Roy, finding a loophole in the Amish handbook
"I'm gonna spend the rest of my days in quiet servlitude." -- Philly Boy Roy on his new, more peaceful way of life
"The Amish out in Kutztown? They don't wanna hear the Dead Milkmen." -- Tom, predicting that PBR's new neighbors will reject the snotty 1980s punk from Philadelphia
"I don't think I do. I definitely don't do that. There's no way I do that!" -- Philly Boy Roy, denying that he makes absolute proclamations
"Share with me your stuff, and I'll share my stuff with youse." -- Philly Boy Roy, looking forward to his cultural give-and-take with the Amish

[TBSOWFMU - 7/31/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Cheater Slicks - "Run, Run, Run"

( Click here to buy Walk Into The Sea)

M.I.A. - "Jimmy"

( Click here to buy Kala)

Lee Hazlewood (RIP) - "No Train To Stockholm"

( Click here to buy Cowboy in Sweden)

Happy Mondays (RIP) - 24 Hour Party People"

( Click here to buy Squirrel and G-Man Twenty Four Hour Party People Plastic Face Carnt Smile (White Out))

Two "Nardcore" requests from Hammerhead -- he's trying to decide which track to select as his Mayubernatorial campaign theme song. Let him know what you think on his Myspace page!

America's Hardcore - "Born Prejudice"

Scared Straight (ft. Scott "Rad" insky) - "Over The Edge"

( Click here to buy Scared Straight / It Came From Slimey Valley)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Hall & Oatestory." »

July 31, 2007

Love Is Long.

"What if I was laying on the floor here, dead. A heart attack. You're just gonna let that go by? You don't think I know it's skippin'? A test. That was a test. And you all failed." -- Tom on his harrowing nine minutes alone with Paul and Linda
"Yeah, the onus is also on you to do other things, like WASH." -- Tom, refusing to accept responsibility for convincing people to have proper grooming habits
"In the killing Tom primaries, he's Dennis Kucinich." -- Tom on Spike's minor threat in his death sweepstakes
"Yeah, we're only in a war right now. Let's hand it over to people putting up things of people throwing bottle rockets into bathroom stalls. Videotaping toilets exploding. Great." -- Tom on holding a Democratic Presidental debate on YouTube
"You're not even fighting yet, and you're screaming!" -- Tom on the his unpleasant, seven-minute, advance screening of the 300 DVD
"I think he ran out of amazing at some point." -- Tom on David Milch leaving all the good monologues in Deadwood (Mr. Wu's pigs ate the remainders)
"I'm not sure if this is worth it. They're just hot dogs." -- Jedediah, questioning his decision to wait in line for an hour to get a $7 snack at the Siren Festival
"What's that, Scraps? What? Scream in an old man's face? Uh, that's wrong. That's wrong, Scraps. What? I don't have any choice in the matter? Yes, Scraps, you are my master. I will do as you say." -- Rob in Jersey City, receiving orders from his dog
"I heard how you got your show. You got your show because of ectoplasm." - Bob on Tom's privileged rise to radio glory
"Does he grow his hair out like Eddie Van Halen? Does he wear a weird kimono and leopard-skin shirt? For shame. You're an adult." -- Tom, wondering how far a caller is taking his fascination with his current guitar hero
"He's got a point. The music you play does stink. -- Bob, agreeing with a caller who referred to WFMU as "atonal garbage"
"Don't be surprised if you look out your window there and there's like this mob with torches trying to force you out and force me in." -- Bob, warning Tom about the ramifications of his take on Lindsay Lohan
"You know, Tom, just like you, I don't wear underwear half the time I go out in public, but most people would never know about it because I don't go showing it." -- Bob, showing some restraint compared to young Hollywood's exhibitionism
"Hold on. Bob, was that recorded?" -- Tom, expressing doubt about whether Bob delivered a live take due to volume rides and tape hiss
"I hate Kevin Smith! Oh, Paul F. Topkins, you're the greatest. Patton Oswald, you were awesome in Rat Patrol. Hesh, you stink! Petey's weird." -- Bob, mocking Tom with a summary of his on-air stylings
"In the late 70s, I practically lived at Newbridge Nights, discoing 'till dawn, flying on cocaine and "White Licorice", Newbridge's best designer speed." -- Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"During the 80s, yeah, you could find me headbangin' to Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and White Tyger at the Newbridge Coliseum, drunk out of my mind on Kernvoisier and soda." - Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"Man, I got so far into "Black Fudge", Newbridge's purest smack, during the mid-90s, they used to call me Dr. Fudge down at the Grunge Pit." -- Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"I wouldn't be surprised if the government made "blue" mandatory at some point in the future, but until then I'll be purchasing this life-saving product from the fine folks at Das Sieben Und Der Elf." -- Bob, downplaying the seriousness of the latest Newbridge epidemic
"If I hear one more crybaby going on about "blood for oil", I'm gonna turn this place into a car wash." -- Bob, retroactively supporting the 1991 Persian Gulf War
"MTV just isn't the same since you left. Sure, this new guy Smash is incredible, but he doesn't ooze sex like you do ... Speaking of oozing, I was wondering if I could put my--" -- Bob, recording an audio love letter to former VJ Nina Blackwood
"I went back to my apartment and called Ian and explained that I thought I was being asked to audition for Black Flag. And after that my roommate ... Damn, it's the wrong .. AHHH! AHHHHH! DAMN IT!" -- Bob, accidentally getting in the van instead of revealing his mayubernatorial platform
"Zing! I won. Show stinks. You're terrible." -- Thor in Eastbridge, declaring tonight's "yawnfest" worse than Tom doing a set of push-ups over the airwaves

[TBSOWFMU - 7/24/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

F*cked Up - "Invisible Leader"

( Click here to buy Hidden World)

The Trashies - "Tanktop Sunburn"

( Click here to buy What Makes A Man Get Trashed?)

Naked Raygun - "I Don't Know"

( Click here to buy Throb Throb)

Jawbox - "Cooling Card"

( Click here to buy For Your Own Special Sweetheart)

Jawbreaker - "Fireman"

( Click here to buy Dear You)

Mitch Easter - "Time Warping"

( Click here to buy Dynamico)

Nutria - "Under The Clay"

( Click here to buy Metronome/Cheef)

The Detroit Cobras - "(If You Don't Think) You Better Change" (Tammy Montgomery cover)

( Click here to buy Tied & True)

Bonus Track:

Minutemen - "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (Van Halen cover)

( Click here to buy Double Nickels on the Dime)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Love Is Long." »

July 24, 2007

NBHC 4-eva.

"I thought you guys were the Greatest Generation, apparently not. Apparently you didn’t know how to take care of your vinyl. Shameful. You old fossils should be embarrassed.” -- Tom, ripping the oldtimers for their scratchy record collections
"Can you take a bullet?" -- Tom, interviewing Mike for a key role in his forthcoming crime squad
“All of a sudden he’s missing one pair of Chuck Taylors, and you've got a lot of explaining to do.” -- Gentlemen Jim on Tom's secret stash heist
"Is he red like in the 'Liar' video?" -- Tom, inquiring about the hue of Henry Rollins' visage
"Trust me, he didn't ruin Daredevil. Look, the guy's guilty of a lot of things, ruining Daredevil isn't one of them." -- Tom, cutting Kevin Smith some slack on the misguided comic book adaptation
"I'm not saying MIke's a terrorist. There is some suspicious activity in his Netflix queue, though." -- Tom on his Associate Producer's potentially treasonous movie renting patterns
"He doesn't look better with a beard -- he looks troubled at all times!" -- Tom on Philip Seymour Hoffman with or without facial hair
"It's a long time hasn't it been?" -- The Leaduh, kranking listeners with some mangled syntax
“Please guys, don’t put me in your fan-fiction." -- Tom asking bush-league improv duo Thorn & Norris to leave him out of it
"I like the idea that that's New York flavor. Some idiot in his underwear." -- Tom on Times Square fixture the Naked Cowboy
"I hope you're handcuffed to Muhammad Ali running through the bayou, and he sprays d-CON in your face." -- Tom, wishing that the former Champ takes out a pest from Jersey City
"I don't have any friends. Come on! I'm Hesh! I'm like a 4' 5" midget doing a dance thing or whatever." -- Hesh on his Heshiness
"You ain't gonna spin no ha-caw?" -- Hammerhead on Tom's inability to fill his genre request
"Case in point: if you were slamming incorrectly, I reprimanded you. If you did stage dives in the incorrect manner, I spanked you." -- Hammerhead on his disciplinary measures as the leader of the NBHC scene
"I came this short of wrappin' that sax around his head." -- Hammerhead on the fate jazz legend Sonny Rollins barely escaped
"Mission: Accomplished. You lived improperly, and you learned." -- Hammerhead on successfully reprimanding Tom for wearing an R.E.M. shirt to a hardcore show
"You're so uncultured. Maybe someday you could own a brandy sniffer." -- Hammerhead on Tom's lack of luxury
"It doesn't really taste like anything, so the kids are never gonna know." -- Hammerhead on his efforts to stealthily insert more plastic in cereal
"They say it sounds like someone chainsawing a car while a guy who can't sing screams over a polka beat supplied by a drummer who can't play." -- Hammerhead, relaying his kids' assessment of his beloved hardcore punk rock 'n roll
"Those clowns?! Those guys would cry at shows." -- Hammerhead, dissing the emotional D.C. hardcore scene
"I would smash you right now, if I wasn't about to fall asleep." -- Hammerhead on his blue-derailed nudging of Tom
"This is my pit. This is my pit. [unintelligible] I'm gonna stage dive on your face." -- Hammerhead, dreaming of inflicting hardcore violence on Tom
"So what if there's an archived show every once in a while that's, you know, only 18 minutes long? Who's gonna notice?" -- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville, working his Southern magic to alter Best Show history and turn the show around
"That would be a good license plate for me to get, if I wanted to get murdered. There he is!" -- Tom on what would happen if he drove around with TBSOWFMU on his car
"I hate you! You stink!" -- Tom, telling Ted Leo what he really thinks of him after all these years

[TBSOWFMU - 7/17/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Cheap Trick - "Come On, Come On" (2002 re-recording w/ poker enthusiast Steve Albini)

( Click here to buy In Color)

Urge Overkill - "(Now That's) The Barclords"
Urge Overkill - "Faroutski"

( Click here to buy Stull EP and Americruiser)

House of Large Sizes - "A Tower Bends"

( Click here to buy Heat Miser)

St. Vincent - "Jesus Saves, I Spend"

( Click here to buy Marry Me)

Tegan & Sara - "Back In Your Head"

( Click here to buy The Con)

The Ladybug Transistor - "California Stopover"

( Click here to buy Can't Wait Another Day)

Adam Franklin - "Seize The Day"

( Click here to buy Bolts of Melody)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "NBHC 4-eva." »

July 17, 2007

Tom, Patton, GO!

"When I saw Zach Galifianakis on Saturday I was standing in line and somebody asked me what it was and I said Laser Allin." -- Dan B, recounting his weekend fun in the FOT Chat
"Put me up here. Disgraceful. Send them the dry cleaning bill. My clothes are ruined. It's like I went to the gym." -- Tom on getting stuck in the WFMU submarine
"You probably, Spike, would have to talk to your parole officer about being in a building that would contain children." -- Tom, advising Spike on the steps required to screen Ratatouille
"You're on the right track. You need to step out and see what's what. But that guy? That's bad news, Jack. That guy's gonna lead you down the wrong road." -- Tom, informing Jesse Thorn of the perils of traveling with Jordan Norris
"God doesn't flush a toilet without dumping raw sewage on your lawn." -- Patton Oswalt on the Circle of Life
"Isn't the church having enough problems now? Hey, let's have this priest hang out with a 10-year-old boy. He'll be at his side constantly. -- Tom on the bizarre premise of the new Robin Williams non-laffer
"Hey, Tyler, hope ... you're ... doing ... well at ... soccer practice. Tell Teisha to stop picking on you. And remember: anyone can cook!" -- Patton Oswalt, cheering up a kid with leukemia as Remy the Rat
"I gotta get out more." -- Tom, getting the urge to travel after Ted Leo and Patton discuss the beauty of Galway
"I love how he sounds like he's falling asleep and crying at the same time." -- Patton Oswalt on the vulnerable tones of Petey
"I can't find my harmonica!" -- Robert Klein, barking at his manager from backstage at a Comedians of Comedy tour stop
"You're not flying coach anymore, you probably own the plane." - Tom on Jerry Seinfeld having to retire his bit about peeking through the coach curtain
"Good Red Roof Inn ads!" -- Patton Oswalt, zinging the jerky Martin Mull
"Do you wanna take it up like 10,000 notches or what?" -- Roydon Ziegler, offering Patton a career surge
"On the screen. And in my pants." -- Roydon on where he saw rats while during an accidental screening of SiCKO
“What he did was wrong, and I think he knows it.” -- Roydon on Patton Oswald's brother, Lee Harvey Oswalt
"I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before. It's the ultimate recipe for box office gold!" -- Roydon the creation of Rambocky
"If you could have any kinda hoagie in the world right now, what would it be?" -- Rambocky, asking Gus an important question as they wade through the Vietcong jungle
"I'm a Renaissance man, what can I say?" -- Roydon on his many talents
"They show 'em in places that are kinda unsavory." -- Roydon on the venues that screen M. Morning Shymalan's motion pictures
"They're wise enough to not have me shirtless in a movie because my torso looks like Walter Matthau's face." -- Patton Oswalt on his never-nude policy
“Host, shut up. Actor, I'm pullin' the deal away. I'm receiving the deal.” -- Roydon, telling Tom and Patton what's what
"Always gonna be the same, it's never gonna be no different." -- Roydon, staying the course, heading for a fall
"Hey, Mike, can you make a note, I think there's like four shows we're gonna need to delete from the archives." -- Tom, finding out that "Weird Al" is a fan

[TBSOWFMU - 7/10/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kelly Clarkson - "Hole"

( Click here to stick it to Chive Davis and buy My December)

Bad Brains (ft. I-ron) - "Let There Be Angels (Just Like You)"

( Click here to buy Build a Nation)

Jason Isbell - "Brand New Kind Of Actress"

( Click here to buy Sirens of the Ditch)

The Great Plains - "Dick Clark"

( Click here to buy Length of Growth 1981-1989)

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments - "Rump Government"

( Click here to buy Straight To Video)

Sahara Hotnights - "Puppy"

( Click here to buy What If Leaving Is A Loving Thing)

Gore Gore Girls - "Voodoo Doll"

( Click here to buy Get The Gore)

Superchunk - "Throwing Things"

( Click here to buy No Rambocky For Kitty)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Tom, Patton, GO!" »

July 10, 2007

Field of Dreams.

"You know if you see some DJ dancing ... he's dancing? Not a DJ. He's a guy with a fast Internet connection." -- Tom, preferring the throwback stylings of sore-backed DJ Ted Shred to the laptop chowderheads
"He's got that friendly, super-warm, Everyman quality. He doesn't seem like a bullying blowhard at all." -- Tom on endearing Presidential hopeful Fred Thompson
"Is that the one on the horse or in the pool?" -- Tom, asking Mark in Toronto about his country's beloved lacrosse
"If you're a giant robot, be a giant robot!" -- Tom, giving the Transformers a pep talk
"It looks like if Paul Simon was a balloon, somebody poked a hole in the Paul Simon balloon, and it's slowly leaking air." -- Tom on the music man's Imus-y flesh
"You might as well walk around with a nice little hand-crafted statue then and talk into that. This looks nice, too!" -- Tom, giving Monica an idea for a more cost-effective "phone"
“Man, isn’t Weird-O-Wood too much?” -- Philly Boy Roy on the excessiveness of his new favorite town
“Between you and me? Being a little bit of a pain in my keyster.” -- Philly Boy Roy on belligerent Wawa recording artist Ben Gibbard
“I didn’t make the rules up. Omelette Ertegun did!” -- Philly Boy Roy on the legacy of the famed Atlantic Records mogul
“He says it’s like Home Improvement meets Nashville.” -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing Roy Jr.'s tagline for his adaptation of How To Fix A Broken Hearth
"Not much of a reader, are you?" -- Tom on Philly Boy Roy's struggles to recite his son's list of recommended films
“Who’s she?” -- Philly Boy Roy, asking about Oriential film legend Akira Kurosawa
"His name is James Gandolfini. I think he'd make a great mafia guy." -- Philly Boy Roy on his dream casting for the lead in The Loch Ness Mobster
"He said he found his films 'crettenous' and 'ABhorrent'. That sounds like high praise to me, don't it?" -- Philly Boy Roy on Joff Stallone's take on his uncle's cinematic ouevre
"Did the main rat look like Kevin Costner?" -- Tom, trying to determine if Philly Boy Roy screened Ratatouille or Mr. Brooks
"Note to self: maybe don't do that no more. Or maybe just only take four." -- Philly Boy Roy, issuing a reminder to at least scale back on his pre-film 'shrooming
"I guarantee it. There's no possible way anything could possibly go wrong." -- Philly Boy Roy on his impending, Philly-style success
"If I went to the dark side and decided to become a criminal, I would be the best criminal you ever saw." -- Tom on his theoretical and highly successful lapse into lawlessness
"Those creeps out in Brooklyn, those anarchists ... they hate you, but I love you." -- Tom, sending out Birds of Avalon's "Bicentennial Baby" to Lady Liberty

[TBSOWFMU - 7/3/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Enuff Z'Nuff - "New Thing"

( Click here to buy Enuff Z'Nuff)

Melt Banana - "Crow's Paint Brush (Color Repair)"

( Click here to buy Bambi's Dilemma)

Birds of Avalon - "Horse Called Dust"

( Click here to buy Bazaar Bazaar)

Meat Puppets - "New Leaf"

( Click here to pre-order Rise To Your Knees)

Thurston Moore - "Fri/End" (from the forthcoming Trees Outside The Academy)

( Click here to visit the Ecstatic Peace headquarters)

Caribou - "Eli" (from the forthcoming Andorra)

( Click here to visit D. Snaith's Merge headquarters)

The Anniversary - "Crooked Crown"

( Click here to buy Your Majesty)

The Rentals - "Little Bit Of You In Everything"

( Click here to buy The Last Little Life EP from eMusic; 8/14 on Boompa)

Bonus Tracks:

Ambrosia - "Cowboy Star"

( Click here to buy Somewhere I've Never Travelled)


My Bloody Valentine (ft. Ira Kaplan & Hope Sandoval) - "Field of Waves" (from Creation Myth, due in early 2008)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Field of Dreams." »

June 27, 2007

Dinner For Five.

"We don’t make good enough movies in this country, Mike? You gotta go elsewhere?" -- Tom on Mike's penchant for foreign Netflixin'
"I'm assuming you went to go get checked out by a doctor, then the doctor put you in some sort of cryogenic chamber for the last five months?" -- Tom, trying to figure out why a caller is still talking about the January Paul Weller shows
"Make my funnel cake and zip it." -- Tom, delivering a message to the shore trash
"I feel like I'm on the long walk talking about The Long Walk." -- Tom, growing wearing of Pat Byrne's stalled documentary
"Do you ever, think, Petey, that, you know, it's like the sand on the beach, you know what I mean? Like every grain of sand -- what if that's us?" -- Tom, dropping some heavy stuff on his drugged-out buddy
"He enforces the law." -- The Underling, giving heartfelt birthday wishes to her father
"I don't want to be having dinner with a guy with one ear. I feel like I would lose my appetite." -- Forrest on the perils of eating with Vincent Van Gogh
"Don't cry for the talentless." -- Tom, urging Forrest to hold back tears for multi-millionaire Dave Coulier
"I will not vote for him a third time. I'll tell ya that right now." -- Tom, dropping his support for GWB's 2008 re-election bid
"There's a little more elegance to his humor. He's human." -- Tom on the comedy stylings of Bill Engvall
"Whatcha puttin' all that ink on your arms for? It's weird!" -- Ty Cobb, criticizing Fred Durst's tattoos during a David-curated dinner
"Yeah, you're right. I actually hate all of them." -- Donya von Trimble, admitting her racism (she's not really a racist)
"But you're not jealous of Ray's turtleneck collection? " -- Audrey, asking Tom if longs for Mr. Manzarek's preferred tops
"My comedy's like singer-songwriter coffeehouse music. It's in the background!" -- PFT, trying and failing to be cool
"What? You never saw Always? -- Tom, questioning Julie's dismissal of Steven Spielberg's oeuvre
"Tell me, though, seriously, you wouldn't wanna see Hitler and Screech at the same table?" -- Tom on a potentially volatile dinner pairing
"Why is that? He'd show up naked and play his bongos?" -- Tom, wondering why a caller wouldn't want to dine with Matthew McConaughey
"I'm not gonna fold like the guy from Von Bondies. I'll give ya a knuckle sandwich. I'll give ya a red stripe ... of blood across your forehead." -- Tom, challenging Jack White to a fight
"I still can't believe those guys in The Emmit Rhodes Band jumped Speech from Arrested Development." -- A caller on an unfortunate incident at the 1992 Pop 'N Fresh Fest
"He actually thought that it was a convention for some kind of high-caffeine cola or something." - A caller on child actor Johnny Whitaker's woeful Poptastrophe MCing
"The Bigfoot actually starts to like it and ends up playing rhythm guitar in the band." -- A caller on the predictable twist in PPPP's "A Night on Power Pop Mountain"
"Basically you pogo every couple of seconds, and then you start bashing people." -- A caller, describing the dangerous slampopping at Poptastrophe
"Stop it! Stop it! I'm Power Pop Pop-Pop, and you'll do as I say!" -- PPPP trying to end The Resistance's set in Sean Connery's accent
"It's kind of a slow death. Some would say it's a dignified death, but I don't know." -- A caller on Newbridge's execution-by-barging

[TBSOWFMU - 6/19/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Justice - "Stress"

( Click here to buy Cross)

Terror Visions - "You Look So Pretty In Red"

( Click here to buy World of S hit)

Dirty Looks - "You're Too Old"

( Click here to buy Dirty Looks / Turn It Up)

Tracey Ullman - "(I'm Always Touched By Your) Presence Dear"

( Click here to buy You Broke My Heart in 17 Places)

Eugenius - "Breakfast"

( Click here to buy Oomalama)

Ash - "Goldfinger"

( Click here to buy 1977)

Autoclave - "Dr. Seuss"

( Click here to buy Autoclave)

Trusty - "Goodbye Dr. Fate"

( Click here to buy Goodbye Dr. Fate)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Dinner For Five." »

June 19, 2007

The White Whale.

"Boy, that guy had some sunglasses." -- Tom on the ample shades of voice legend Gary Owens (not dead yet)
"Only in Kentucky, as they say, right? You know how it goes down there. Apparently those sleaze medicines flow like water down there." -- Tom on the Paducah porn industry
"I just can't wait tell my dad that his money didn't go to waste. One of the clockpunchers down at the box factory approves of my question." -- Marc Healy on Tom justifying his journalism education
"That's my Watergate pretty much." -- Marc Healy on his Montgomery Davies lidblower
"But I have to beg of you, please go easy on me. I'm just a mere novice compared to you. Don't embarrass me, okay, big guy?" -- Marc Healy, making a request for Tom's appearance at Newbridge State
"It's a sick world we live in. Newbridge is sick and getting sicker." -- Tom on his increasingly troubled town
"I'm on fire!" -- Marc Healy, revealing the ugly side of "blue"
"I use coffee as a tool, young man. Coffee is a tool. If I need to wake up, I drink some coffee. Don't need to wake up, I don't drink it." -- Tom on his strong-willed approach to caffeine consumption
"Whaddya, whittle when you're on there? Cyber-whittle? E-whittling?" -- Tom, trying to understand the down-home feel of Facebook
"When do I get to laugh? When's Tommy get to laugh? Never. Tommy makes the laughs, he don't get the laughs." -- Tom on having the world's best podcast (i.e., his) playing in his head 24/7
"The guy was all mad about the bunk the other guy was spreading, and he called, I think, maybe, with his own brand of bunk." -- Tom on a caller who claims the CIA invented Facebook to mine data from elusive college kids
"My arms. There's too much air on my arms. It feels weird." -- Paul F. Tompkins on what it would be like to perform sans suit
"I love New York in the summer, too, because I love the smell of hot garbage. Boy, there's nothing like it." -- PFT, looking forward to performing in the city
"There are other types of theft that are absolutely socially acceptable, but DO NOT steal jokes." -- PFT, taking a strong stand on the Menstealia debate
"He is kinda like the Lenny Bruce of our time. He's terrible." -- Tom on freedom fighter Joe Rogan
"That's it. That's my story. I'm Tony Soprano, goodnight America." -- PFT on Tony Soprano addressing the audience in an alternative ending to The Sopranos
"It reminded me of my childhood, growing up on a farm in Maine. I'll never forget the look of the sunset through the kitchen window as I ate fresh-baked biscuits." -- PFT, giving an example of a critique you'll never see on YouTube
"It's weird for a relative of an actor to be dumb." -- PFT on the sister of Joseph Gannascoli raging against David Chase
"I say to the people who didn't enjoy the ending: hang tight. There's a program on the horizon, waiting for you. It's going to be on ABC. It's called Cavemen, and you are going to love it." -- Tom, providing some hope to The Sopranos haters
"You put a sock on the doorknob?" -- PFT, wondering if Tom alerted would-be intruders to the lady he had in the studio
"You will burn your hand on the stupidity machine once Mr. Brooks gets rolling." -- Tom on the perils of the summer's biggest laugh riot
"It was like a murderer convention in Portland." -- Tom, trying to convince a caller that Mr. Brooks was really ridiculous

[TBSOWFMU - 6/12/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Polvo - "Thermal Treasure"

( Click here to buy Today's Life Activities)

Boston Chinks - "Swollen Useless" (from this 7")

( Click here to visit the BC Myspace page)

Jay Reatard - "In The Dark" (from this 7")

( Click here to visit the JR Myspace page)

The Buck Pets - "Pearls"

( Click here to buy Mercurotones for 1 cent)

Rollerskate Skinny - "Man Under Glass"

( Click here to buy Horsedrawn Wishes)

Deerhunter - "Hazel St."

( Click here to buy Cryptograms)

Wrong Answer (Zoo Breath) - "Man to Man" (from the ULTRA-RARE, LONG-OOP 1991 7" EP)

( Click here to visit The Blind Wino)

Mark Sultan - "Something Wrong"

( Click here to buy The Sultanic Verses)

Bonus Track:

Paul F. Tompkins - "Jazz"

( Click here to buy Impersonal)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The White Whale." »

June 12, 2007


"Can you feel the feel the fun? You can almost reach out and touch the fun. You can almost taste the fun. Almost." -- Tom on the sensory overload of another installment of The Best Show
"Sounds like what you read might've even been worse than what I saw somehow." -- Tom on the Cavemen sides a caller read during his audition
"I need like a scrub brush now to scrub my brain clean of that." -- Tom, looking to remove the latest coat of Ken Rogers grime
"I tried to push her off of my knee, and she didn't like that so much. And that's when her claws came out." -- Zookeeper Joe on his encounter with Contessa the mountain lion
"Get away from me. You don't touch ME, I touch YOU ... with a chain!" -- The Gorch, outlining the rules for Mike the Associate Producer
"He must've thought I was a seal or something. Maybe some kind a big muskrat." -- The Gorch, explaining why a barge captain fired harpoon shots at him
"I have to walk with my hands a lot of the time. I kinda have to pull myself, yeah. It's sick." -- The Gorch on the after-effects of his beating from the LAPD
"Do you see it? Do you wanna eat it?" -- The Gorch, proposing a chain snack
"I had a little blackout for a second. A 'Gorchout', as I like to call 'em. They're getting more and more frequent." -- The Gorch on going under
"If it lands too far away, then he's deprived of the joy of a really big bang." -- The Gorch on the importance of children learning proper throwing technique for Hemp-80s
"I never thought I would say this: I know that fish. I've met that fish before. I've spoken to that fish before." -- Tom on his prior encounter with Andy from Lake Newbridge
"The way they were pitched to me was kinda like a cross between Gene Vincent and a book on tape." -- The Gorch on the bombastic bar band sounds of The Hold Steady
"You know what if feels like? Being with Linda." -- The Gorch, comparing the effects of "blue" to making love to Linda Evans
"A hottie sees that kind of damage done to a BMW, she knows whoever done it's one bad dude." -- Philly Boy Roy on the benefits of keying cars at the Short Hills mall
"You're dressed like a Goodwill in Philadelphia exploded." -- Tom on Philly Boy Roy's sports-based attire
"You look like an ape. That's what I think you look like. You actually look like how I imagined you. A little less hairy, though." -- Philly Boy Roy on Tom's primate-like appearance
"I treat the famed and the slobs the same way. No one gets presidential treatment." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why he didn't let Death Cab For Cutie's Ben Gibbard cut in line
"He looks exactly like a Blob. He's really fat. I remember at the signing, he just was cuttin' 'em like there was no tomorrow." -- Ben Gibbard on Tom's flatulent antics at Philly Boy Roy's book event
"It's a little screechy. More like a gurgle." -- Philly Boy Roy on the vocals of Cinderella's Tom Keifer
"He got 'em for me! He gets the best 'shrooms." -- Philly Boy Roy on his son's ability to forage for hallucinogens

[TBSOWFMU - 6/5/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Afghan Whigs - "Debonair"

( Click here to buy Unbreakable: A Retrospective 1990-2006)

Shellac - "Be Prepared"

( Click here to buy Excellent Italian Greyhound)

The Takeovers - "I Can See My Dog"

( Click here to buy Bad Football)

Henry's Dress - "Zero Zero Zero" (thx FL!)

( Click here to buy Bust 'em Green)

Donna Lynn - "Java Jones"

( Click here to get a little info about this lady)

The Speedies - "No Substitute"

( Click here to buy You Need Pop)

Joe Jackson - "It's Different For Girls"

( Click here to buy I'm The Man)

The National - "Gospel"

( Click here to buy Boxer)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Weird-O-Wood." »

June 5, 2007

Fo Shizzle.

"We shall overcome though, Mike. We shall overcome. Do you wanna surf the Web on my phone?" -- Tom, helping Mike cope with the lack of a computer on his side of the glass
"They're good songs that just happen to be about video games." -- WNBC news anchor Sue Simmons, praising the deep cuts on Buckner and Garcia’s Pac-Man Fever
"If you're ever hungry again at an amusement park, leave." -- Tom, advising against a second culinary adventure
"You go up 200 feet in the air, and then you just go straight down. You look like you're going right into the dirt, but you don't go into the dirt. It's horrifying." -- Mike the Associate Producer, endorsing the Nitro rollercoaster
"Ken Rogers, if you’re hearing this, you need help." -- Tom, urging the author to seek treatment for his uncontrollable filthmouth
"When's Boring Awareness Week?" -- Tom, wondering when someone will devote a week of charity to Owen's chronic problem
"Why do they ruin these things? I wanna go to the movies and see the Mork & Mindy movie and have a good old time!" -- Tom on the ill-fated Milonakis/Kutcher film adaption
"That's like a comic thing, right? Funny pages?" -- Tom, trying to understand Calvinism
"I like it 'cause it makes me sound more urban." -- Tom, explaining his affinity for the phrase "for shizzle"
"Is that how chickens talk down there?" -- Tom asking a North Carolina bigamist if all local fowl sound like Foghorn Leghorn
"I'm gonna give you a big hug. Thank you so much for hyping the show, we really appreciate it." -- ABC's Matthew Tompkins on Tom's support for Cavemen
"Even as a kid I knew it was foolish of them to cast Donna Pescow in a lead." -- Matthew Tompkins on the poor replacement for Daryl Hannah in the Splash spinoff
"Listen, you tell me one thing that's funnier than a breakdancing caveman. I mean, besides an old white person rapping." -- Matthew Tompkins, challenging Tom to top these comedy classics
"You can't get any older school than like a caveman, can you?" -- Matthew Tompkins on the old-timey stars of his new show
"How do you think of this stuff? It's great. I'm surprised someone hasn't snapped you up yet." -- Matthew Tompkins on Tom's ability to break stories
"I rode those protests directly into an office on the ABC lot." -- Matthew Tompkins on ascending through the television ranks via Shout!'s controversial The Reggae Kid
"Well Todd, you gotta look past the welts, that's what I always say." -- Matthew Tompkins, making a poignant statement about getting over his belt beating at the hands of Bill Macy
"He plays himself, but they had to make him look more human. When he was in scenes with the cavemen, he actually looked too much like them." -- Matthew Tompkins on Don Imus's Cavemen guest spot
"I've got a very good handle on the human contraption, and I work that into my stories. -- Matthew Tompkins on his "splatcom" collaboration with Trent L. Strauss
"Get ready. I'm comin'. You'll find out ... sooner than you would like. It's comin'. GET READY." -- Roland "The Gorch" Gorchnik, issuing another warning

[TBSOWFMU - 5/29/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Betty Davis - "Game Is My Middle Name"

( Click here to buy the Betty Davis re-issues)

Dungen - "Du Ska Inte Tro Att Det Ordnar Sig"

( Click here to buy Tito Bitar)

Immaculate Machine - "Dear Confessor"

( Click here to pre-order Fables)

The Clientele - "Somebody Changed"

( Click here to buy God Save The Clientele)

Chainsaw Kittens - "Silver Millionaire"

( Click here to buy Pop Heiress)

Demon's Claws - "Cecile Lemay"

( Click here to buy Satan's Little Pet Pig)

Joby's Opinion - "Slag Off"

( Click here to consult the Joby's Opinion discography)

Shapes and Sizes - "Head Movin'"

( Click here to buy Split Lips, Winning Hips, A Shiner)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Fo Shizzle." »

May 29, 2007

Power Pop Pop-Pop.

"Ew, boy. I am looking forward to getting over to the Iron Monkey in two and a half hours." -- Tom, having second thoughts after a caller is already sloshed
"Look son, this is the Big Leagues. You're barely Tee-Ball level." -- Tom, optioning Hesh for reassignment to the minors
"******* **** and * ******* *******." -- Excerpts of two unaired responses from author Ken Rogers
"He'll film Barbarella in an elevator in Austin. It will cost $4,800. And it will star Rose McGowan." -- Tom, adding some details to the announcement of Robert Rodriguez's next project
"Please, put more caveman makeup on me. I don't want anyone recognizing me. Can you actually make it look like I'm actually someone else under this makeup." -- Tom, going undercover on Cavemen
"You can strive for Cha-Ka territory. Please let me have the career of Cha-Ka." -- Tom on the GEICO cavemen entering the land of the lost
"You know the exciting thing, though, you could've joined The Flaming Lips if you would've maintained that kind of costumery." -- Tom, informing Ted Leo about a missed opportunity
"Way to violate international law, crimestick. Now go eat a carpaccio, ya fuckin' Swede." -- Patton Oswalt, commenting on Crimestick's crime on AST*
"What's that, cookie? Go in the office and strangle my boss? Yes, cookie." -- Susie in Manhattan, taking orders from her best friend
"I'll tell ya right now -- it's gonna be bigger than the Paisley Pop Pop-A-Thon last year in Des Moines. And it's definitely gonna make January's Popadelphia Pop Nation fest look like Poptopia 2002. What a disaster that was, huh?" -- A caller, promoting Poptastrophe 2007
"His whole life is basically built around going downhill." -- A caller on Power Pop Pop-Pop's sidecar-based lifestyle
"I gotta say, I think I die a little bit whenever I say 'Power Pop Pop-Pop'." -- Tom on the nickname of Newbridge's PP President
"You know, come to think of it, I've never seen him laugh or smile." -- A caller on PPPP's very serious approach to the fun-loving music
"He also has a Popper for women that's just plain awful." -- A caller on Quad-P's gender-specific weapon
"Bit of a dungeon vibe. It's not good." -- A caller on the creepy lair in PPPP's PP Palace
"It's like if Goebbels wrote lyrics for The Rubinoos." -- A caller, describing The Resistance's White Power Pop
"I think they really think Power Pop Pop-Pop is really creepy." -- A caller explaining why the likes of Tommy Keene and Ken Stringfellow reject PPPP's PP scene
"Where are the Colonial people? There's only some weird guy in a Ratt t-shirt with a $200 price tag hanging off of it." -- Tom on a family discovering they were in the wrong Williamsburg
"Hey, garbanzo bean prices are going like bonkers, if you know what I mean." -- Captain Jack, providing a commodities update
"The world needs more Panera Breads. There aren't enough buildings in New Jersey." -- Tom, praising the construction efforts of Don in Belleville
"Who wouldn't want to have a little pan pizza made by Hilly Kristal?" -- Tom on the "food" at CBGB's

[TBSOWFMU - 5/22/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Jay Reatard - "All Over Again"

( Click here to buy the Night of Broken Glass EP)

Velvet Crush - "Drive Me Down"

( Click here to buy In The Presence of Greatness)

The Michael Guthrie Band - "Payola" (from 1982's Banned in America EP)

( Click here to visit MGB on Myspace)

The Posies - "Solar Sister"

( Click here to buy Frosting on the Beater)

Tommy Keene - "Nothing Can Change You"

( Click here to buy Based on Happy Times for $62.50!)

Any Trouble - "Romance"

( Click here to buy Where Are All The Nice Girls?)

Bram Tchaikovsky - "Girl Of My Dreams"

( Click here to buy Poptopia!: Power Pop Classics of the '70s)

The Highback Chairs - "Afterlife"

( Click here to buy Of Two Minds)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Power Pop Pop-Pop." »

May 22, 2007

The Belt Brigade.

"Joey Kramer's got a yacht because of this album. Because of those muted browns." -- Tom on the Aerosmith drummer's luxurious toy aquatic
"Yesterday I had a conversation about salami with somebody." -- Daniel, Twittering away his days
"I got nothing to be arrogant about." -- Hesh, coming clean on his sad life
"I've taken up cigars because someone told me they aren't as bad." -- Frederick Douglas, receiving some odd health advice
"I wanted a vegetable panini! Does this look like a vegetable panini?!" -- Ira Glass, raging about his lunch
"What, were they wearing shirts?" -- Tom, asking Audrey in San Fran how she knew the Conan audience was filled with out-of-towners
"Van Morrison? No. No, no, that means the Good Old Days were worse." -- Tom, correcting a caller's historical perspective
"Jerry was playing some flapper music tonight. I thought it sounded great." -- Tom, sticking up for his lead-in's old-timey playlist
"First they came for the grilled chicken, and I said nothing. They then came for meatloaf, and I stood by and did nothing. Then they came for stew, and I did nothing. Then when they finally came for sandwiches ... I don't remember what the rest of that saying is." - Tom on a caller's inability to thwart some fictional culinary marauders
"You know what, it's not a book, though. Nothing should be left to the imagination when you're watching something that's actually happening." -- Tom, rejecting the notion of fontasy sports viewing
"I've gotta say, I've never heard anybody sing 'All By Myself' four times in a row nearly as effectively as you did on air." -- Dave from Knoxville on Tom's classic Eric Carmen mini-opera
"You know what doesn't work on kidney stones? Herbs." -- Tom on Evan's wife's misdiagnosis
"Would you want to fly on a plane being flown by the guy who decided to make Wild Hogs?" -- Tom, questioning the safety of air travel with John Travolta
"I could take over Sweden. Makes me want to go there. I'd probably be elected mayor of a city in four days." -- Tom, projecting his rise to power
"I mean that's something that you just can't shake. That early kinda programming, you know, you just see your dad do that and you, know, you just kinda fall into that." -- Dom on learning to forget his wallet
"Oh, come on, you think you're a big deal because you work in a cubicle at Consolidummies." -- Dom Scharpling on his brother's arrogance
"Well, technically they were pants, though, you gotta give me that. They just weren't adult pants." -- Dom Scharpling on his controversial near-ejection from Captain's Donuts
"Well, hey, I know you and dad never thought I'd passed mustard. Like I wasn't as good as you." -- Dom Scharpling, acknowledging his standing within the family
"I needed to get those Poison tickets." -- Dom Scharpling on why he dropped out of college two days prior to graduation
"You wouldn't be able to take it. Your haunches would be black in about three minutes." -- Dom Scharpling, assessing Tom's stamina as a belt-whipping player
"Dr. Snooty? Sounds like he's making a house call right now. Great to have you back." -- Dom Scharpling on Tom's criticism of the GEICO Cavemen series
"Wipe it off, Dom." -- Tom, instructing his brother to remove "blue" from his lips
"Is your self-esteem that low? Whaddya need a prop, a gimmick? What are you, Carrot Top?" -- Tom, trying to figure out why Michelle continues to smoke
"Take 'em over to Pat's Steaks. Ask him to cook 'em on the grill." -- Tom, trying to help Rick from Philadelphia dispose of his Veronica Mars DVDs
"For shame, teachers. Suddenly, you, teachers, are the ones who need to learn. How's that feel, teacher? Huh, teacha-teacha?" -- Tom, urging educators to give up the hope of million-dollar paydays
"It's hard being one." -- Tom on real-life heroes

[TBSOWFMU - 5/15/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Black Sabbath - "The Mob Rules"

( Click here to buy The Dio Years)

XTC - "No Thugs In Our House"

( Click here to buy English Settlement)

Sloan - "Two Seater"

( Click here to buy Smeared for like 58 cents or some such craziness)

Battles - "dDiamondd"

( Click here to buy Mirrored)

The Time Flys - "Romance + Violence"

( Click here to buy Rebels of Babylon)

Chokebore - "Comeback Thursday"

( Click here to buy Anything Near Water)

Destruction Unit - "The Fools Will Dance"

( Click here to buy Death to the Old Flesh)

River City Tanlines - "Lookin' For A Line"

( Click here to buy I'm Your Negative)

Bonus Track:

Big Star - "I'm in Love With a Girl"

( Click here to buy #1 Record/Radio City)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Belt Brigade." »

May 15, 2007

Leave Me Alone.

"You'll just have to watch me do it, and if the hate of watching me do my thing burns you up, that's your problem." -- Tom, doing it his way
"I didn't even know he was a singer. I thought he worked in advertising." -- Tom, discovering the real occupation of Hank Williams, Jr.
"Wow, I thought I was good at this -- you're great at this. -- Tom, commending Paycheque for correctly identifying FDR as being deceased in a game of Dead or Alive
"Talk about drop-off. Right? That's like eatin' a fancy dinner at McDonald's, then you eat a dinner at Burger King, right?" -- Tom on Spike following Paycheque's Supermeal
"Check out my Zune, it’s cool. iPods stink. Zunes rule!" -- Mike the Associate Producer, promoting his .mp3 player of choice
"Every time I hit the ground, I bounce up like roundball. You don't worry about me." -- Tom, quickly recovering from Howard Stern not showing any love to his trademarked GOMP
"That show's pure junk." -- Tom on "This American Life"
"That's embarrassing. I thought Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ran an eco-friendly program there." -- Tom on the band's anti-recycling merch man
"Like I really need to know what Chris Jericho thinks about, you know, 'Livin' On A Prayer' or something like that." -- Therese on her addiction to VH-1 countdowns
"You might as well be sittin' in an A&P in the bakery section." -- Tom, offering a cultural equivalent to Starbucks
"Just tryin' to move some units." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his decision to call as Minions fan "Ray Schmidt"
"He was talkin' to a hoagie roll. Yeah, how to put this delicately, he ain't all there, you know what I mean? -- PBR on "Fire Fingers" Doug, the newest member of the Wawa Records street team
"They make or break bands, you know. People turn to them to tell 'em what's good and what ain't. And they've decreed that the Minions is good." -- Philly Boy Roy on getting a 9.3 from the tastemakers at
"I'm like the new Chive Davis!" -- Philly Boy Roy, declaring himself the successor to the J Records chief
"Do you know of any better way to make your presence known?" -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to top parading around in a pitbull chariot
"Yeah, probably end up killin’ ya. Or Doug would." -- Philly Boy Roy on Tom's fate as his assistant at Wawa Records
"Maybe they're going around town in a van grabbin' people?" -- Philly Boy Roy, speculating about how the bodies end up in the musian
"He was talking about it like it was El Topo. It wasn't that weird." -- Tom on Chris "Mad Dog" Russo's About Schmidt review
"He looked like he could have been the brother of the guy who plays Turtle on Entourage if Turtle got all the good genes in the family. " -- Tom, describing the look of the ugly guy he overheard at the diner
"Listen, I don't like the way you're talking about TV shows! You show some respect!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, sticking up for Hollywood
"Bro. Bro, this is the elephant that back when we were in Queens, rememba?" -- Johnny Drama, trying to convince his brother to let him buy a new pet
"It's a very touching and bittersweet film. Right up there with anything from Lasse Hallström." -- PFT on the charms of John Carpenter's The Thing
"It just looked like a homemade car." -- PFT on Jay Leno's cartoonmobile
"Don't worry, white dudes. White dudes are still running everything." -- Tom, easing the fears of paranoid Free-FM listeners
"To be honest, I don't know if you've really had that many good shows this year." -- Hesh, falling into Tom's trap

[TBSOWFMU - 5/8/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Archers of Loaf - "Web In Front"

( Click here to buy Icky Mettle)

Seaweed - "Kid Candy"

( Click here to buy Four)

Versus - "Dumb Fun"

( Click here to buy Two Cents Plus Tax)

The Windbreakers - "You Never Gave Up"

( Click here to buy Time Machine 1982-2002)

Unrest - "Make Out Club"

( Click here to buy Perfect Teeth)

The Byrds - "Spanish Harlem Incident"

( Click here to buy Mr. Tambourine Man)

Even As We Speak - "Falling Down The Stairs"
Evan As We Speak - "Swimming Song"

( Click here to buy Feral Pop Frenzy)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Leave Me Alone." »

May 8, 2007

Draw The Line.

"No more malarkey. My life is now a malarkey-free zone. You hear that? You bring headaches, you're gone. Out!" -- Tom, drawing inspiration from a band that was just trying to keep the train a rolling
"You don't have any stores near you? You know that stuff is available at stores." -- Tom, trying to figure out why Eli is a farmer
"It's like video games for old people." -- Tom on the Sunday edition of The New York Times
"His hair was shaped like a corn muffin." -- Tom on Edward Furlong's enticing haircuts circa 1991
"The Mystery of Mulligan. Who is he? Who is this mystery man?" -- Tom on a caller cloaking himself in a fake name
"I wake up every day, my man, and I say, 'I wish I didn't know the world was gonna end soon.'" -- Dom on the looming apocalypse
"Did you try Tums?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, asking Tom if he tried these tummy tablets
"The ruffled shirt is fine, but the breaches? No thank you." -- Pablo Fontana, rejecting the tight-fitting colonial clothing
"Do not worry, Thomas, the bullets only cause pain, they don't end lives." -- Pablo Fontana on the special Kern ammo Officer Harrups will fire at criminals
"I can't wait to see the Pontiff get in the nonagon and show off his stuff." -- Pablo Fontana, anticipating Pope Benedict XVI's first slapfight
"I did not go on a flagrant pant rummage on national TV, did I?" -- Pablo Fontana, distancing himself from young Reggie Monroe
"Oh, we can work it out, as they said. Those Beatles." -- Pablo Fontana on dealing with his forbidden marriage
"He's now cracking it open. Finally, he's gonna let that movie breathe." -- Tom, looking forward to even more Death Proof
"I gotta say Jim Henson was probably one of the best creative creators in the history of man-mankind ." -- Bobby on his Labyrinth-creating hero
"He's not sensitive enough, though. He doesn't look longingly enough at the camera." -- Tom on the shortcomings of Zach Braff
"I actually wanted to continue that conversation. Why did I do that? I actually was enjoying that conversation." -- Tom on his unwarranted GOMP of Showbiz Sean
"Alright, you just finished that huge bowl of pasta -- quick, eatthiscottoncandy!" -- Tom on HBO's Sunday night meal
There's good stuff on TV. Join us! -- Tom, urging a caller to watch the real tube instead of YouTube
"Hey, Tommy, I had a dog named Soprano at one point." -- Blue Willie on his fictional pet
"Going after the slobs. I've had it. It's gonna be a Slob Revolution." -- Tom, seeking revenge on the lidblowers

[TBSOWFMU - 5/1/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Maria McKee - "One Eye on the Sky (One on the Grave)"

( Click here to buy Late December)

Rocket From The Crypt - "When In Rome"

( Click here to buy RFTC)

Brutal Knights - "So Weak"

( Click here to buy Feast of Shame)

Celibate Rifles - "Jesus On T.V."

( Click here to buy Roman Beach Party)

The Adverts - "We Who Wait"

( Click here to buy Crossing the Red Sea with The Adverts)

New Bomb Turks - "Tail Crush"

( Click here to buy Destroy-Oh-Boy!)

This Poison - "Paused Over The Pause Button"

( Click here to buy Cd86: 48 Tracks from the Birth of Indie Pop)

The Prats - "Disco Pope"

( Click here to buy Rough Trade Shops: Post Punk)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Draw The Line." »

May 1, 2007


"Just so you know, Spike, The Riches is a show that's on something called cable television. You can’t get that with your rabbit ears." -- Tom, informing Spike of the limitations of his dungeon's entertainment system
"It actually was better than Grindhouse!" -- Tom on the double feature shown in the jury room
"And I'm not just talking about the men." -- Tom, noting that his fellow jurors looked like Tenacious D guitarist Kyle Gass
"This guy's in court! Sweatpants! -- Tom on one of his slovenly peers
"I don't know if you ever knew this about me, but I used to hit the old bong pretty heavy. I think I hid it pretty well." -- Bryce, admitting to past drug use
"They took me on a very long, very costly, very intense ski trip." -- Bryce on his extended vacation with Werner and Rutager
"Stop or I'll shoot ye! Ye must step back!" -- Officer Harrups, barking some vintage orders
"I think like um like um I like got like shot and stuff?" -- Pudge on the possibility that he was hit by a musket blast
"Hey, aunt Susannah." -- Seth Galifianakis, giving a shout-out to his New Jersey hostess
"Jesus has risen, but the biscuits haven't." -- famous North Carolina Easter saying
"My cab driver's name was Foosball or something like that like Foosball. Or Ping Pong or something. It was crazy." -- Seth, discovering the cultural differences in New York City
"Those margaritas, you'd think they'd go away, but I'll tell you what, they still kickin' in a little bit." -- Seth on the lingering effects of the T.G.I. Friday's drinks he had earlier in the day
"It seems like you have a lot to say, and I think you'd probably be pretty wry." -- Saul Tompkins on Seth's potential as a stand-up comedian
"Newark is very nice." -- Tom on the cite of the Galifianakis family reunion
"Alright, that's it. He's gone. He's gone." Seth on Zach's landmark decision to pick Morris Day over Gloria Estefan
"We. both. like. ca-la-mari. We. both. like. The Fugees." -- Seth, finding some common ground with Zach
"The phone lines are lightin' up!" -- Seth, showing off his radio skills
"It's got that fat Scientologist in it and that colored guy that went crazy." -- Seth, running through the cast of Wild Hogs
"You want the girl in laff? Do you wanna a nice care in laff? Do you wanna be somethin' in laff? Anything in laff?" -- Seth, giving a pep talk to the Flaming Arrows
"One of my dreams is to tickle the jet engine of an American Airlines flight with one of my kites." -- Seth, aiming high

[TBSOWFMU - 4/24/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Rachel Sweet - "Cuckoo Clock"

( Click here to buy the Fool Around re-issue)

Tommy Keene - "Landscape" (from the OOP Strange Alliance)

( Click here to visit Keene headquarters)

Imperial Teen - "You're One"

( Click here to buy Seasick)

Scientists - "Swampland"

( Click here to buy Blood Red River 1982-1984)

Nervous Patterns - "No Control"

( Click here to buy Nervous Patterns)

MDC - "Business On Parade"

( Click here to buy Millions of Dead Cops/More Dead Cops)

Citizens Arrest - "A Light in the Darkness"

( Click here to visit the Citizens Arrest Myspace page)

Deep Wound - "Time To Stand"

( Click here to visit the Deep Wound Myspace page)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Blue." »

April 24, 2007

Caveat Eruptor.

"Tom is talking too quietly to be heard over barking boxer puppies." -- Sarah in the FOT Chat on the inaudibility of Tom's "sick voice" over the din of the canines in her care
"I wonder how it is you have an ear for fake voices." -- Tom on Petey's expert detective work
"Give me back my sandwich!" -- Harrison Ford, chasing down his elusive lunch for two hours in the forthcoming Raiders of the Lost Hoagie
"Sounds like someone needs some Tums!" -- Philly Boy Roy, proposing an OTC remedy for Tom's kidney bean
"No, he's got blackberries -- it's like a little computer for your hand." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his son's new tech gadget
"You gotta be careful, though. You might get a shredded tongue along with your shorty with extra peppers." -- Philly Boy Roy on the perils of eating at Wawa
"Cows all over the place ... people lassoing each other. No thanks!" -- Philly Boy Roy, declining a trip to the Austin hospital/rodeo
"In all seriousness, thank God he's not alive to see this go down. He was a very proud man, and he would've been mortified to see that going on." -- Tom on Don Imus not being privy to the antics of the puppet that replaced him two years ago
"Come on, Kevin Smith. You can do better. Actually, you can't. What do I mean, you can do better?" -- Tom on Kevin Smith doing the best he can with his latest horror project
"Do you deliberately dial it down before these calls?" -- Tom on the thick air and slow-moving clouds of Owen's lethargy
"Jokes. I hates jokes." -- Tom, denoucing these not-so-funny statements
"I'd have more respect for you if you wore your blanket." -- Tom on the sartorial silliness of those who cover themselves with hockey jerseys
"I shall never taste another Coke Bläk as long as I live. NEVA! Sorry, Coke Bläk, I gotta move on." -- Tom, severing all ties with his once-beloved elixir
"Nice job, Blue Willie. Racism is alive and well. It's good to see the proud tradition still continues." -- Tom on Blue Willie's assault on grammar and cultural sensitivity
"I've been runnin' from the South my whole life. Risin' again is about the worst thing I can imagine happening." -- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville, hoping his homeland remains dormant
"I’m worse than America. I saw it." -- Tom on being one of the few people who paid to see Griiiindhouse
"It's good to see he paid tribute to those great grindhouse movies like My Dinner With Andre." -- Tom on QT's homage to the Louis Malle talkie
"Asterisk! I've had it with asterisks!" -- Tom, denouncing the silly splat
"You have a wit, but I'm not sure I'd call you funny." -- A caller, assessing Tom's brand of humor
"I don't believe this. This is like Peter Sellers. This guy's like Peter Sellers." -- Tom on The Best Show's resident character actor
"If you ever wondered what it would have been like if Kevin Smith directed Smokey and the Bandit, that's what it would have been like." -- Tom on Death Proof
"That will be the worst anything in the history of everything." -- Tom on Quentin Tarantino's $45 John Brown bio-pic, featuring slaves referencing Welcome Back, Carter

[TBSOWFMU - 4/17/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The National - "Mistaken For Strangers"

( Click here to pre-order Boxer)

The Spinanes - "Noel, (Other Cleveland) Jonah And Me"

( Click here to buy Manos)

The Mary Timony Band - "Summer's Fawn"

( Click here to pre-order The Shapes We Make)

Beretta76 - "Pretty Baby"

( Click here to buy Black Beauty)

Feist - "I Feel It All"

( Click here to pre-order The Reminder)

Laura Veirs - "Phantom Mountain"

( Click here to buy Saltbreakers)

Bonus Tracks:

April March - "Laisse Tomber Les Filles"

( Click here to buy Paris In April)

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich - "Hold Tight"

( Click here to buy The Best Of Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich & Pete)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Caveat Eruptor." »

March 26, 2007


"No. More. Room. On. The Bus. Bus left town, we're rolling out! Don't need you!" -- Tom, closing the doors on the non-believers
"Like The Black Lips enough to play something on Vice Records. That's a testament to how good The Black Lips are." -- Tom, supporting the band irregardless of their coke fiend employers
"I appreciate you saying that, but it ain't no mystery why you're an EMT, not a doctor." -- Tom on EMT Ryan blaming his severe pain on excessive rocking out
"Go to the doctor. DO IT NOW before it gets worse." -- Fred, dropping the voice and making it heard
"What instrument did Miles Davis play? Tuba?" -- Tom, trying to remember the jazzman's preferred instrument
"Evacuate? In my moment of triumph? Surely you underestimate the pain I was feeling." -- Tom, regretfully adapting a quote from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
"Let's go to Enid's, Kickball Lad. I need to go buy some cocaine." -- The White Belt, re-upping his Tall Bike Peddling Powder
"That's a food, you idiot." -- Tom, slamming a caller who brought an Indian dish to the Words I Hate game
"Yeah, that would be disgusting. Having a 19-year-old girl use a term of affection. Yeah, ewwww." -- Tom on a caller's rejection of Southern hospitaliy
"It's the last place you'd think you'd find The Steak Haters." -- Tom on his club's secret meetings at Peter Luger's
"She's gonna ask about bowel movements -- you're cool with that?" -- Evan on the nature of his wife's intended medical queries
"If somebody said, 'You rock, boss', I'd go postal." -- Tom on getting pushed over the edge by words people hate
"There's enough noise in this damn world." -- A grumpy caller, complaining about the beep-beeps of keyless access technology
"You know what else you should be mad at? Your time machine!" -- Tom, like, delivering a GOMP to a Jeff in Seattle for getting upset about Valspeak
"Thank you for your generous pledge. You better pay it, you cheap rat!" -- Tom, demanding that Paul from Staten Island pay his WFMU invoice
"You don't call a movie The Zodiac and then don't put Barry Sobel in it." -- Tom, lamenting the absence of the real Z-Z-Z-Zodiac
"I would have caught The Zodiac Killer if I was on the SFPD." -- Tom, cracking the case in the name of good cinema
"It probably picks up right where Fun House left off, right?" -- Tom on the new The Stooges record
"And how dumb is America by the way?" -- Tom, questioning the intelligence of a nation that sends Wild Hogs over the $100 million mark
"You are WROOOOOOOOOOOONG!" -- Tom on Kathy's attempts to trim an hour from The Zodiac
"Oh, I got cut off." -- A female caller complaining about something that didn't happen
"What? Really? Otis Thorpe is the root of all evil?" -- Tom, questioning a caller's claims that basketball forwards are the real Bad Guys
"Yes, the Holland Tunnel is disgusting, but I would still like to ride in one of those cars." -- Tom, trying to fulfill a life goal
"Hey, it's a free concert, but you're gonna need a new e-mail address!" - Tom, cautioning a caller about hidden costs of Ozzfest 2007
"You dig that deep because they care about you, and you care about them." - Tom, explaining to himself why he takes it to American Hero levels for his listeners

[TBSOWFMU - 3/20/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Mary Weiss - "Stop And Think It Over"

( Click here to buy Dangerous Game)

Hannah Montana - "Best Of Both Worlds"

( Click here to buy the Hannah Montana OST)

Dow Jones & The Industrials - "Ladies With Appliances"

( Click here to buy The Sound of Gulcher)

Times New Viking - "Teenage Lust!"

( Click here to buy The Paisley Reich)

The Swirlies - "Tree Chopped Down"

( Click here to buy Blonder Tongue Audio Baton)

Overwhelming Colorfast - "Every Saturday"

( Click here to buy Two Words)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are deck:

Continue reading "Paingaea." »

March 19, 2007

Love and Money.

"We've had our differences, Tom, but you have my utmost respect." -- Scratchy Record, giving it up to his old buddy
"I think I need to bring you like a schmata or something to wipe up with there." -- Laura Cantrell, looking for an old cloth to remove the sweat from Tom's brow
"You get to blend things at Thomas Sweet's!" -- Tom on the Hub City's frozen mash-ups
"It's like midnight basketball for the 21st Century. It keeps kids off the street." -- Tom on the podcast's outreach to the community
"Waldwick? Where's Waldwick?" -- Tom, stumped by the 07463 pocket of his home state
"You know what? You take that Shins album, you throw it in the garbage can compared to the new Ted Leo record." -- Tom on his early pick for the best album of 2007
"It's dog eat dog, and I'm the dog!" -- Tom, transforming into a hungry canine after Ted Leo's Adam Ant cover
"You can yell at him about why he likes Beyonce so much." -- Tom, urging pledgers to take Matthew Fluxblog Perpetua to task
"I would pledge more, but I was mugged recently." -- Ted from Philadelphia, Roy Jr's latest victim
"The people in Chicago: every cent you pledge to the show is one less horrible slice of pizza that you eat in your life." -- Tom on the dreaded brick with sauce
"I hope Bonnie's not pledging with Green Stamps." -- Tom on the possibility of a Georgian pledging with Henry from Captain Crunchlet's favorite form of currency
"Welcome to Success Philly-Style, my self-help series that'll help you succeed in every faucet of your life." -- Philly Boy Roy, launching his new motivational speaking career
"I want lightning to shoot out of my fingers and lift Daniel into the air with it." -- Tom, empowering himself to smote the volunteer for his loveless laughter
"FMU made me puke, but Tom helped settle my stomach." -- Julie from NY, NY on the soothing qualities of The Best Show
"I photosynthesize when I'm in Chicago." -- Ted on the land where pork is a vegetable
"And don't leave me hanging on the telephone." --Tom, using his antenny to pull a funny, post-The Nerves segue from the cosmos
"Try Voodoo Lounge on for size. That's a good album." -- Tom, trying to help Ted get over the sting of Steel Wheels
"Own it! Own your victory! You won. You Mad Max'd 'em. They were fat and flabby." --Tom congratulating Dawn of Other Music on toppling of Tower Records
"Ixnay on the Glaxokay." -- Tom, asking Ted Leo to omit the British pharmaceutical giant Glaxo-Smith-Welcome from his anti-corporate rant (he's a shareholder)
"Save the podcast and respect must be paid to Ernie Anastos." -- FOT Fido, supporting Best Show Law #2 with a Mouse of Today pledge
"I'm like Stallone. By that I mean I'm completely wired on human growth hormone right now." -- Tom on his kinship with the juiced-up Chuamp
"You don't bring me flowers, BUT YOU BRING ME PLEDGES!!!" -- Tom on the very reasonable trade-off
"I don't get what I need from Infinity or Clear Channel / I don't get what I want from the satellite pay channels / There's always somethin' on this freeform station / Hell, sometimes I even listen to JM in the AM 'cause that's entertainment, that's entertainment la la la la laaaa." -- Ted Leo, adapting The Jam for The Magic Factory

[TBSOWFMU - 3/13/07 / Podmirth [SAVED] / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Blitz - "Someone's Gonna Die"

( Click here to buy The Complete Blitz Singles Collection)

The Real Kids - "Solid Gold (Thru and Thru)"

( Click here to buy The Real Kids)

New Order - "Love Vigilantes"

( Click here to buy Low-Life)

Chris Bell - "You and Your Sister"

( Click here to buy I Am The Cosmos)

Negative FX - "Citizen's Arrest"

( Click here to buy Negative FX & Last Rights)

Celtic Frost - "Progeny" (Ted-approved)

( Click here to buy Monotheist)

Bonus Tracks:

The Nerves - "One Way Ticket"

( Click here to buy Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1995)

Laura Cantrell - "All The Same To You"

( Click here to buy When The Roses Bloom Again)

Now is the time for us to gather together and do a conga line around the bases after blasting a Grand Slam FUNdraising Home Run:

Continue reading "Love and Money." »

March 12, 2007


"HOW DARE YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF WFMU! There’s people judging me right now! They’re laughing! Jerry has his old-fashioned radio program with the old records, he had the phones lit up! It was like a Christmas tree! I’m playing new records!" -- Tom on the humiliating, crash-and-burn start to the program
"Tom's show is pretty good." -- Jerry in West Orange, curbing his enthusiasm for the night's first pledge
"I did some time in Lompoc. I don't wanna talk about it." -- Tom, keeping mum on his stint at the Federal Butt Hut
"August had a shiv on him. Where do you get a shiv from, August?" -- Tom wondering where the teen volunteer got the weapon he used to extract a $1 pledge from Irwin Chusid
"Why am I here? I don’t need this. I’m friends with Paul F. Tompkins." -- Tom on ditching the marathon for his Hollywood cronies
"We don't take any sleazy advertising. We don't have mattress commercials on the station, right? There’s no mattress commercials." -- Tom, touting WFMU's independence from meddling corporate stupidity
"Why do girls not like my show?" -- Tom, pondering his male-centric listenership
"Her name is Sparkiepop, and she's awesome." -- Tom on the Superstar FOT from El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula
"I hate The Sims so much. I bought it, and I played it for like two days, and I felt so horrible because I felt like I was on the hook for someone else now. It’s like, I gotta keep this jerk happy and employed, and he’s hungry now. What about me?!" -- Tom, eschewing virtual responsibility
"It's so mushy sounding, isn’t it? Where's the groove, guy? Where's the groove -- it’s like Grandpa grooves." -- Tom, responding to David in Springfield, Va.'s request for more Al Green
"Yeah, he’s still around." -- Dan Mackta on longtime information guru/Internet butler, Jeeves
"You’ll believe that an old lady can’t fly." -- Tom, penning a new tagline for The Devil and Daniel Johnston
"The money you would buy coke with, pledge it to WFMU for just one week and then you can go back to doing coke." -- Tom, giving Brooklynites another option for their disposable income
"You want your band to rock out, you go through the Toddfather." -- Tom, defining the path to sonic success
"No more podcast would make me angrier than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding." -- Jeffrey in Slate Hill, NY
"Pompton Plains is on the list for a new Quiznos. Soon guys, soon. Keep writing your Congressman." -- Tom on the town's quest for toasted subs
"Dead Moon, we’ve got a dead room. Dead phone room." -- Tom, cracking himself up during a lull
"Well maybe people don’t like it no more, maybe that’s why they’re not pledgin’ and stuff." -- Philly Boy Roy, proposing a theory about WFMU's financial shortfall
"Oh, come on, you dumb Philadummy stupid." -- Philly Boy Roy, ripping Tom for his failure to recognize the name Ike Goldenberg
"I like his beard. He’s got an awesome beard." -- Tom, admiring the facial hair of Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger
"Princeton. It’s a great town. Princeton. Smart people down there. A Beautiful Mind. Did that guy pledge? John Nash?" -- Tom, looking for a contribution from the famed mathematician
"I might have to visit the troops." -- Tom, discovering that the podcast is taking off like wildfire in the US Navy
"Anyone who doesn’t pledge should get ready for a hot oil bath. Let’s make this pledge drive a W." -- Mac in Austin, using threats to keep the undefeated streak alive
"It's Patton Oswalt and Eugene Mirman, Maria Bamford, and I think, um, Brian Hussein, perhaps." -- Tom, listing the Comedians of Comedy
"Turn me from a mere mortal into a God. Make me eternal." -- Tom, making a run at 20k

[TBSOWFMU - 3/6/07 / Podmirth [**DOWN TO 32 - LAST CHANCE TO SAVE IT**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


Parts & Labor - "The Gold We're Digging"

( Click here to pre-order Mapmaker)

Volcano Suns - "Bumper Crop" (from the OOP Bumper Crop)

( Click here to visit the Volcano Suns Myspace fun pit)

Fugazi - "Hello Morning"

( Click here to buy the Furniture +2 single)

Jesse Sykes & The Sweet Hereafter - "You Might Walk Away"

( Click here to buy like, love, lust & the open halls of the soul)

New Radiant Storm King - "Fighting Off The Pricks"

( Click here to buy The Steady Hand)

The Reatards - "Human Race"

( Click here to buy the Plastic Surgery 7")

Bonus Track:

Sebadoh - "Violet Execution"

( Click here to buy the SEMINAL III)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! They told him not to yell. They told him not to beg. The Kid yelled and begged. Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate 50 weeks of FUN and the first week of the FUNdraising:

Continue reading "Testify." »

March 6, 2007

Heavier Than Heaven.

"Not gonna be a good one. I can feel it. I feel weak. I feel weakened. Ohhh, Daddy needs his vitamin water." -- Tom, drinking the $2 Kool-Aid
"I’m not interested in transvestite midgets who want to, you know, sleep with lesbian washing machines. You know, I’m not interested in that." -- Spike, rejecting daytime talk shows
"It was like Barfly. Barfly with pens." -- Tom on the depressing Artist Alley at the NY Comic Convention
"Oh, he's furious." - Tom on Mel's reaction to the terrible podcast subscriber tally
"What has ever been fake about New York? It's not like Studio 54 was in New York." -- Tom on the city's aura of authenticity
"I know I will die having not seen Pan's Labyrinth." -- Tom, skipping Guillermo Del Toro's fontasy creepfest
"If that wins for Best Screenplay, everyone can write that." -- Tom on Little Miss Sunshine inspiring the the Oscar within each of us
"What happened to that two-shot? We had a two-shot somewhere in there, Herbie." -- Tom, collaborating with a sentient editing machine
"I'm afraid of deep-dish things. I'm just afraid it's too deep for me, that I won't be able to handle it, and I'll look emasculated." -- Paul F. Tompkins, bracing for his first trip to Chicago
"I've seen better Columbias in New York City, but you'll do." -- Jake Fogelnest, working the midnight Rocky Horror line in Philadelphia
"I'm gonna throw up if you keep going." -- Tom, putting an end to Fogelnest's Rocky Horror performance
"The Daleks are the Grouch Marx mustaches of the 70s and 80s." -- Tom on Dr. Who's mutant garbage cans
"Fred Willard. Can we pull the plug on that, finally? Isn't it time? Can we admit that Fred Willard is good, but not great?" -- Tom, checking the expiration date on the comic character actor
"He uses it for evil at times." -- Weirder Jon on Tony Banks's nefarious keyboard skills
"No paper around at the time? Couldn't get it out of your system with a pad?" -- Tom, suggesting an alternate canvas for Jedediah's tattoos
"If GG Allin gets into heaven, though, everyone gets into heaven." -- Tom on the admission standards of The Great Beyond
"We gotta get in there and humiliate every other show on the station. My goal: drain all the money from Tuesday night. That way it's a desert from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m." -- Tom, preparing for battle at 2007 WFMU Marathon

[TBSOWFMU - 2/27/07 / Podmirth [**GIVE IT PLEDGES OR GIVE IT DEATH**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show 2007 Victory Fun Pack!**


Kenny Smith (w/ The Maximum Feeling) - "Skunkie"

( Click here to buy One More Day)

Dr. Dog - "Worst Trip"

( Click here to buy We All Belong)

Apples In Stereo - "Same Old Drag"

( Click here to buy New Magnetic Wonder)

Rob Crow - "I Hate You, Rob Crow" (Album Version)

( Click here to buy Living Well)

Talulah Gosh - "I Can't Get No Satisfaction (Thank God)"

( Click here to buy Backwash)

Heavenly - "Me And My Madness"

( Click here to buy The Decline and Fall of Heavenly)

Bonus Track:

The Sea Urchins - "Pristine Christine"

( Click here to buy CD86: 48 Tracks from the Birth of Indie Pop)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Heavier Than Heaven." »

February 27, 2007

Bill of Rightses.

"I will literally at that point shed my mortal skin and will enter the pantheon of, dare I say, Gods." -- Tom on his ascension after breaking the curse of the hallway studio
"You might want to ease up on that. These are conciliatory times, buddy." -- Tom, advising Spike to scale back his edgy political humor
"I didn't like him as a Z-grade actor, and I didn't like him as a President either." -- Spike, dissing Ronald Reegen
"His autograph hand would be pretty sore by the end of the thing." -- Tom on the dad from Mork & Mindy's 10-hour JetBlue signing session
"Come on, parents. Keep your kid off the butter pump." -- Tom on the perils of self-serve at the movie theater
"Get those talentless guys who write all these fight sequences. That's what we want." -- Tom, trying to bring the fun back to comics
"Finally, T.S. Eliot hits the big screen!" -- Tom, cheering the poet's hypothetical cinema debut
"I'd rather have a weekend at Camp X-Ray than your tone." -- Supercaller Paycheck, preferring detainment over a Canadian custom official's attitude
"Who puts pesto on any kind of sandwich, let alone a squirrel sandwich?" -- Tom on Mike's bizarre condiment choice
"You’ll paint the duck purple sometimes." -- Jimmy in Louisville on Tom's ability to occasionally buck convention on The Best Show
"No, I'm not gonna go to your record release party in Houston." -- Tom, calling for an end to Myspace event invitations
"You got a buddy from out of town, you know what you might wanna do: TALK TO YOUR BUDDY!" -- Tom, condemning a caller for entertaining a friend with Ghost Rider
"What's the most shocking thing? Is it our revolving doors?" -- Tom, asking Jason about his cultural awakening in America
"I should pay more attention around the station to comings and goings." -- Tom, vowing to be more aware of WFMU happenings after learning of Terre T's bout with cancer
"My wife is with the kids, and they're doing like this New Jersey excursion thing." -- Former Supercaller Evan from Montclair, doing his Borat impression
"Maybe Earth should blow up now. Maybe Earth can get flooded if this is what we're actually producing." -- Tom on his pro-environment zeal being deflated by Melissa Etheridge
"Didn’t we get enough of that to last us like four lifetimes?" -- Tom on being satiated with Randy Newman's extant output
"All I can eat?! I don't want any of this! You're gonna bring me more?" -- Tom, rejecting The Olive Garden's unlimited supply of Wonder Bread and white lettuce
"Let's go aaaallll the way with this, people of Brooklyn! We're gonna roll all the way back to the age of two." -- Tom on the adult-sized playpen he plans to open in the borough
"You gotta have guts to mistreat a bobcat." -- Tom on the owners who lose their animals to the more humane Lakota Wolf Preserve
"You don't have an accent, though. How are you a hypnotist?" -- Tom, wondering how Brian can practice without a German accent
"Buk buk buk baaaak. Buk buk buk baaaak. Buk buk buk buk bu bu buk bu-GAWK!" -- Tom, clucking while under hypnosis

[TBSOWFMU - 2/20/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 34 **DEAD IN APRIL**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Hell Razah (ft. Maccabeez) - "Maccabee House"

( Click here to buy Renaissance Child)

The BellRays - "Third Time's A Charm"

( Click here to buy Have A Little Faith)

Marnie Stern - "Grapefruit"

( Click here to buy In Advance Of The Broken Arm)

The Makes Nice - "Waves Of Summer"

( Click here to buy Candy Wrapper and 12 Other Songs)

Conceited Wet Rat - "Florida"

( Click here to pre-order We Were Dead Before We Could Send Tom That Demo)

Black Lips - "Stranger" (Live)

( Click here to buy Los Valientes del Mundo Nuevo)

Bonus Track:

Dudley Perkins - "Flowers"

( Click here to buy Peanut Butter Wolf's Jukebox 45's)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Bill of Rightses." »

February 20, 2007

Recapianakis: Live at the Denim-Clad Dad.

"Gotta do it even though you don't want to. You gotta do things you don't wanna do sometimes. Sure I'd rather be home watching House, but I gotta do the show!" -- Tom, psyching himself up to bring it
"Really? You're just gettin' around to coffee now. Anything else you may wanna to try? Vegetables? Any other new experiences? -- Tom on Bonnie's recent cottoning to coffee
"I actually owe that kid a thanks! That kid gave me 90 minutes of my life back to do with it what I will." -- Tom, appreciating the rude movie talker who spared him the horrors of Smokin' Aces
"I feel like I'm talking to Matlock all of a sudden." -- Tom on the old-timey, southern phrases of Henry Owings
"I'm hooked on it. I click on his banner ads. I do what he tells me. I bought a porkpie hat so I can look like him." -- Tom on his addiction to the Drudge Report
"This guy was sharp as a marble." -- Brian from Wisconsin on the intelligence of a time-management guru
"The guy needs a watch. 10 seconds?" -- Tom on Stevie Blue exceeding his alloted time for "Chocolate Covered Hearts"
"Put him behind the counter at Friendly's, he'll be begging to sit in the photography class. " -- Tom, calling for a distressed art school student to stop being soft-serve
"It's like leave that half-baked new wave reggae back in the early 70s where it belongs, you know?" -- Linus on the ill-advised reunion of The Police
"Because I’m an award-winning blogger, you fumduck." -- Linus, explaining why Tom can't exude a 'tude when talking to him
"Geez, has a radio show, doesn't know about The Buttless Chaps. Good stuff there, WFMU!" -- Linus on the shallow depth of Tom's musical knowledge
"You know what? You haven’t made a decent movie since ... well, ever." -- Linus, slamming Sylvester Stallone at an L.A. gas station
"That’s what goes with knowing a blogger and loving a blogger and having loved a blogger." -- Linus, justifying his posts about the personal life of his ex-girlfriend
"Well, he stopped smoking, but when he was a smoker, he was so funny -- Zach Galifianakis on Barack Obama's nicotine-feuled stand-up
"Hey, that's a pretty good fat suit." -- Zach, finding a silver lining in Norbit's costume design
"Matt Walsh is one of the worst human beings I’ve ever met in my life." -- Zach on his Dog Bites Man co-star
"Do people make scarves?" -- Zach, asking Tom about a potential new career
"Is that the Mario Cantone story?" -- Zach, wondering about the subject of The Queen
"Do you have a sidekick named 'Booger Stash' or anything like that?" -- Zach, inquiring about the on-air talent for WUSC's "The Fishbowl"
"Hey, the audience was overweight at a comedy show? What?" -- Tom, expressing shock about the girth of the crowd at the L.A. CoC stop
"You can call me David, if you want to. It's alright." -- Erika, granting Zach permission to call her by a man's name
"I would actually talk to him for about 35 minutes." -- Tom, informing Zach that he'd normally indulge a Blue Willie call
"Zach, how did you get so good at being interviewed?" -- Paul F. Tompkins, trying to find out Zach's secret
"You were Studio 60 before Studio 60." -- Tom on Zach's seminal "Sneaky Jesus" sketch on Late World

[TBSOWFMU - 2/13/07 / Podmirth / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Fu Manchu - "Didn't Really Try"

( Click here to buy We Must Obey)

The Royal Purple - "I Tried To Make You Happy"

( Click here to request a FREE copy of Transcendental Medication)

Juliana Hatfield - "Raisins" (Dinosaur Jr cover)

( Click here to buy the Forever Baby EP)

Holly Golightly - "Time Will Tell" (Kinks cover)

( Click here to buy Truly She Is None Other)

X - "Motel Room In My Bed"

( Click here to buy Under The Big Black Sun)

Raekwon - "Sneakers"

( Click ere to buy Immobilarity)

Bonus Tracks:

Big Star - "Back of a Car"

( Click here to buy #1 Record/Radio City)

Bee Gees - "Every Christian Lion Hearted Man Will Show You" (STEREO version)

( Click here to buy Rhino's Limited Edition cardboard sleeves)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Recapianakis: Live at the Denim-Clad Dad." »

February 12, 2007

Titans of Trivia.

"And if it means I get beat by the second bass player from The Raspberries, then so be it." -- Tom on getting humbled by Scott McCarl
"You know what, Greg Proops might not even be the funniest guy in L.A. named 'Greg Proops'." -- Tom, disputing Esquire's pick for L.A.'s top funnyman
"That guy's not runnin' anywhere. America limps on Dunkin'. America waddles on Dunkin'." -- Tom, suggesting catchphrases more befitting a man of John Goodman's size
"Keep that porno medicine off my TV. The Super Bowl is filthier than ever.” -- Tom, rejecting the risque advertisement for Flomax
"If there's an show where I'm saying give Studio 60 a chance, it will not be archived for very long because that might be the most embarrassing thing I've ever said." -- Tom on his darkest radio moment
"It's a little bit like Monty Python on acid." -- Tim Heidecker, providing a redundant one-liner for his new Adult Swim program
"When you hear him do that kind of urban slang, it'll just bring the house down. -- Eric Wareheim on the fresh lingo of David Brenner
"It's like oxygen to some people, and like arsenic to other people." -- Tim Heidecker on his polarizing comedy
"What do you do? What are you in Gnarls Barkley or something?" -- Tom, wondering how Henry Owings got nominated for a Grammy
"Go, hatbox, goooo!" -- Tom, picking a side in the Battle of the Boxes
"Why is my heart so fragile?" -- Tom, wondering why he let a Bad Guy get to him
"They all lost their hunger for the spoils of trivia victory." -- Kip Palfner, explaining why he unloaded all of The Loaders
"Hucking Fell, I can’t believe you don't know this." -- Kip Palfner, expressing his disappointment at Tom's failure to cite all of Black Sabbath's vocalists
"I think they thought it was akin to a stepuncle erotically whacking his 19-year-old nephew." -- Kip Palfner on Marvel's decision to pass on Trivius
"Hasn't been servin’ up that creamed corn lately, has she?" -- Kip Palfner, asking Tom to confirm Sheila's absence from the CC commissary
"I hope your ears are on fire with my trivia." -- Kip Palfner, igniting Tom with his buzzer sounds
"Was there an astronaut named Art?" -- Tom, Ash Ole-ing it up
"I’m gonna rip out my razor cane if you embarrass me like that on live television." -- Kip Palfner on the fate that awaits Tom on Titans of Trivia
"I'm gonna make you eat the Bible … and not in your mouth." -- Kip Palfner on the eccentric snack he's planning for Tom's 4 a.m. trivia session
"I'm as strong as an ox." -- Jason, touting his qualifications for employment in America
"Don't I know it. I've been on the right end of DYFS and the wrong end of DYFS -- Tom on seeing both sides of NJ's child welfare agency
"That guy's thing is as old as Mr. T now. It's like Mr. T has been around for 20 years, and that thing has been around for 20 years." -- Tom on a bit that's well past its prime

[TBSOWFMU - 2/6/07 / Podmirth / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Dinosaur Jr - "Crumble" [REMOVED BY REQUEST; OMAR DON'T DO JAIL TIME! Pitchfork, however, is allowed to post a new DJr track]

( Click here to pre-order Beyond)

The Jam - "The Eton Rifles"

( Click here to buy Hit Parade)

Sneakers - "Ruby"

( Click here to buy Nonsequitur Of Silence)

Kim Fowley - "Animal Man"

( Click here to buy Outrageous)

The Scruffs - "Break The Ice"

( Click here to buy Wanna Meet The Scruffs?)

The Now Time Delegation - "Nothing But A Heartache" (The Flirtations cover)

( Click here to buy Watch For Tomorrow)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Titans of Trivia." »

February 6, 2007

The Bristol Stomp.

"Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert! Catch the intruder. Chicken! Fight like a robot!" -- Tom, alerting the humanoid to Evil Otto's arrival, and then taunting it
"What? Best film of the year? That might not have even been the best film I saw that week." -- Tom, refusing to buy into Little Miss Sunshine's Oscar hype
"If their song was played any slower, it would have been going backwards." -- Tom on The Shins' SNL dirge
"It's barely even music." -- Steve in Brooklyn on TV on the Radio's bizarro soundscapes
"Why would I ever want a half of sandwich?" -- Christopher from Rhode Island, wanting it all
"I did not fight in the punk wars to allow hippy stuff like this to reign supreme." -- Tom, dispensing the wisdom of DJ Terre T
"Where's my cat o' nine tails?" -- Tom, looking to punish Mike the Associate Producer for selling him an old topic for $220
"You know what I like to get drunk on? Nice cold sodey and use my imagination. That's all I need." -- Tom, dismissing high-end firewater
"I'm watching some dummy do some snowboarding, and I'm almost crying watching it because it looked so beautiful, so clear." -- Tom on his new HDTV
"I'm gonna complain to the slave that made this in some Chinese torture factory." -- Tom on the "Oooh"/"Aaah" mix-up on his sound effects machine
"And people wonder why kids are fatter than ever. Why every kid looks like a snowman." -- Tom, finding answers in New Brunswick's Greasy Kid Stuff
"I feel like a god right now. It's insane! I feel like I could shoot lightning out of my fingers." -- Tom on his Butkus-like power to destroy people
"It's unacceptable. It's just gross. It's the end of society." -- Tom on the failure to scoop poop
"Every one of the topics I do is the same topic. They're called COMPLAIN." -- Tom, revealing his secret
"Like if Beethoven was playing a concert, would there be like security for that?" -- Philly Boy Roy, wondering about the backstage set-up at 18th- and 19th-century shows
"I don't like them on my stereo or on my television." -- Tom locating exactly where he doesn't like Santana
"I was gonna ask you to define 'horrible', but I probably don't need ya to." -- Philly Boy Roy, confirming that dangerous animal fights occur at his free-range pet store
"The snake could totally crawl in the sneaker, though." -- Philly Boy Roy on his Dr. Moreau-like attempts to breed a snake with a Puma shoe
"How does that go undetected in the Barnes & Noble experience?" -- Tom, wondering how the nice bookseller could have the filthiest bathroom on Earth
"This program is the sole reason why the Democrats won in 2006. Just the uniting force of this program." -- Tom, touting The Best Show's influence on the elections without any radio hyperbole
"You know what that is? That's a chocolate Cheez-It®." -- Mike the Associate Producer on Oreo Thin Crisps
"We live the dash between the dates on our tombstones." -- Efraim in New Jersey, finally getting our fascination with zombies

[TBSOWFMU - 1/30/07 / Podmirth / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Of Montreal - "She's A Rejector"

( Click here to buy Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?)

The Broken West - "On The Bubble"

( Click here to buy I Can't Go On I'll Go On)

The Format - "Time Bomb"

( Click here to buy Dog Problems)

Silkworm - "Wet Firecracker"

( Click here to buy Firewater)

Angry Angles - "She's Dead" (from the "Crowds" 7)

( Click here to review the entire J. Reatard ouevre and then seek it out)

Jesu - "Transfigure"

( Click here to pre-order Conqueror)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Bristol Stomp." »

January 30, 2007

Under Pressure.

"Can't do it. Can't do it tonight. Can't do it. [whimpers, moans] I'm scared. [brief cry-moan] I can't do the show tonight. [Cowardly Lion sound] I'm scared. I don't wanna do the show." -- Tom, shortly before breathing easy, getting on the ride, and believing that he can do the show just like any other DJ!
"You could set the atomic clock to Michael Anthony's bomp bomp bomp." -- Tom on the portly bassist's trademark reliability
"It shouldn't be a question mark where people can go to help out ?" -- Tom, recommending a landline for all charitable requests
"I've been busy." -- August, explaining why he hasn't called the show in several months
"Is there a way both of you could lose this feud?" -- Tom, rooting for no winners in the Piven-Dorff jerk-a-thon
"I thought that sounded terrible. That was some of the worst advice I've ever given." -- Tom on his proposed letter to a caller's long lost friend
"Sounds like he might've been for the Natzis. Did he have a Swasticker on his jacket?" -- Tom, questioning the loyalties of an eccentric World War II veteran
"It is high, it is far, it is gone ... Happy the Clown!" -- Tom via John Sterling, delivering the home run call
If Billboard had a section called "Disturbing", that guy'd be the High School Musical of that chart." -- Tom, sending a scatalogical caller straight to #1
"That was the coldest thing I've ever heard!" -- Tom on August's pacifist rejoinder to Petey's call to arms
"So it requires minimal brain activity?" -- August, assessing the intellectual demands of Breakout
"I wouldn't want that maniac in my pizzeria at 5 in the morning." -- Tom, denouncing a bread truck driver who accused him of running a hypocritical contest
"Get outta the house and make some money, you fat loser." -- Jennifer Schwalbach-Smith, ordering her husband to get an acting job
"He's one of the most uncool guys I've ever seen." -- Tom, exposing the myth of Funzie's coolness
"Wait, Orlando Jones wasn't good in a movie?" -- Tom, expressing disbelief that the noted thespian stunk it up in Primeval
"I mean, dude, you gotta pep it up a bit. If you're a broadcaster, you gotta be more alive." -- Toilet Mouth McGee, trying to tell The Kid how it's done
"I can feel it. He's got what it takes. He's just stupid enough to latch onto the show and not realize that he's just a complete dope and we're laughing at him." -- Tom on the fate that awaits Mr. McGee
"Oh, you just bought Dore-itos. Oh, you're so much better. That's the Artie Lange of food you just bought." -- Tom, judging those who judged his Beer League rental
"Artie Lange, don't you love the dude? I mean, the pinnacle of American civilization as we know it." -- Captain Jack, placing the comedian atop the cultural pedestal
"The best you could do is be just a little bit worse than The Best Show!" -- Tom, providing the only option for would-be challengers to the throne

[TBSOWFMU - 1/23/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 61 -- WHO QUIT?!] / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Rolling Stones - "Jigsaw Puzzle" (apologies to Charles R. Martin)

( Click here to buy Beggars Banquet)

Big Business - "Hands Up" (from the forthcoming Here Comes The Waterworks)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

Tralala - "Yellow Taxi"

( Click here to buy Is That The Tralala)

Pezband - "On And On"

( Click here to buy Laughing In The Dark)

The Ponys - "Everyday Weapon" (from the forthcoming Turn Out The Lights)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

The Buff Medways - "A Distant Figure Of Jon"

( Click here to buy Medway Wheelers)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "Under Pressure." »

January 23, 2007

The Beard.

"What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do!" -- Tom, trying not to lose his edge
"It pains me to see them fight." -- Tom, enduring the ongoing feud between his beloved icons, Mr. Trump and Rosie
"It feels like I'm being put through a stress test. I wasn't enjoying myself." -- Tom on Fox's too-much-actioner, 24
"You don’t know!" -- Tom, shattering the myth of sports prognosticators
"You're not my cup of tea, but I tip my hat to you for running the gauntlet." -- Tom, giving it up to Michael Bolton's longevity
"Must he revolutionize the world every five minutes?" -- Weirder Jon on the gizmo-crazed Steve Jobs
“What are you doing with that thing? You pick your teeth with it?” -- Tom, wondering what Weirder Jon does with the obsolete iPod mini
"That was a weird movie, dawg." -- Mike Francesa, struggling to comprehend Alexander Payne's bizarre About Schmidt
"My daddy said we could get wireless maybe around Thanksgiving if I'm good." -- Tom, hoping to dial up a broadband connection before year's end
"You know what, I prefer my entertainment crafted by professionals." -- Tom, rejecting amateur-hour videographers
"Come on, guys, it's 2006." -- Stan from Staten Island, asking Moslems to get on board with racial profiling
"No vegetables allowed!" -- Carl's Jr.'s culinary Man Law
"Clean living. I'm straight! I'm like Jonathan Richman. I'm not like Hippy Johnny." -- Tom on his Vice-free, sXe stylee
"It could have wings on it and fly, but if you don't know how to make it fly, it's not gonna do you any good." -- Tom on the unskilled SUV drivers hopelessly sliding around the Turnpike
"The Ultimate Warrior figured out how to use multiple colors, why can't the Norwegian death metal people figure it out?" -- Ryan, wondering when the full color spectrum will surface in Mayhem's artwork
"I don't even smoke pot, and I was like, 'I would wear that on a shirt.' That looks cool." -- Tom on the appealing pot leaf depicted in anti-drug comic book ads
"When you come with the knife, I will not be surprised. Also know that you’ll leave with it stuck in your ribs." -- Henry Rollins, going out hard in Madrid, Spain, 5/3/1997
"In a nutshell, he was gonna turn that place into a car wash. " -- Brock Peuchk on a shoplifter's diabolical plans for Dame Lola's erotic white chocolate boutique
"Well who knows who he might bite? Maybe he's about to bite some rich guy with an ascot." -- Brock Peuchk on the importance of little heroes sacking up and thwarting rabid dogs
"Looks like somebody needs to go back and read The Beard again." -- Brock Peuchk, recommending that Tom freshen up on his Shakespeare
"Don’t tell Paula Zahn, I guess. She’ll probably have a bird, I guess." -- Brock Peuchk, requesting that Tom not reveal the meaning of Wolf Blizter's use of "Candy-O"
"He was the first guy to turn them on to reggae." -- Brock Peuchk, referring to Sam Donaldson's role in shaping the sound of the Bad Brains
"I just got threatened to the tune of 'Let's Go'" -- Tom on Peuchk's creepy, musical send-off
"You know how you get Adam West to sign for you? You send him a check for $2. He'll sign it." -- Tom, helping out the autograph collecting community
"Every Tuesday, you can just count on getting crushed now." -- Tom, letting people know what to expect

[TBSOWFMU - 1/16/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 62] / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kenny Smith - "Lord, What's Happened?"

( Click here to buy One More Day)

LCD Soundsystem - "Watch The Tapes" (from the forthcoming Sound of Silver)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

The Fastbacks - "On Your Hands"

( Click here to buy Answer The Phone Dummy)

The Original Sins - "Not Gonna Be Alright"
The Original Sins - "I Want To Live"

( Click here to buy Big Soul)

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "Dial Up"

( Click here to buy The Tyranny of Distance)

Bonus Track:

Melvins - "Candy-O"

( Click here to buy Ozma)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Continue reading "The Beard." »

January 16, 2007

Ice Ice Baby.

"Runnin' around like an animule. I'm runnin' down the hall, back and forth, and back and forth. I'm runnin' suicide drills or something, like I'm tryin' out for the team!" -- Tom, getting fired up for the show Rollins-style
"Two for The Queen, three for The Queen, two for The Queen, three for The Queen ..." -- A series of old New Jersey residents succumb to the magnetic pull of the Helen Mirren vehicle
"You should move to Baltimore, start your own store -- you're own Crabcakery." -- Philly Boy Roy, giving Tom an idea for a new restaurant
"Oh, it doesn't sound like it. I hear all kids of pops." -- Philly Boy Roy, doubting Tom's use of a microphone windscreen
"He's not tellin' me -- he's very toight-lipped about it. -- Philly Boy Roy on Roy, Jr's refusal to spill the details of his sale of the Liberty Bell to the Japanese
"What you guys do? All plan to cut one at the same time and then fan it over to Manhattan?" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to figure out the origins of the horrible stench
"Maybe not as much looking like a scary witchy woman." -- Tom on the look of JJ Mascis
"You can't name your kid Nazareth in 2007." -- Tom, setting would-be parents straight
"What's up with that guy? He's Elmer Fudd on steroids." -- The Crame Dog on Bebe Williams, the new Myspace sheriff in town
"Nobody tries to look like Bun E. Carlos, people end up looking like Bun E. Carlos." -- Tom on the gradual slide into middle age
"Jerks are jerks. They're two-year-old jerks and there's 80-year-old jerks." -- Tom on generation-spanning jerkiness
"That was like 1982. Why don't you trying doing SOMETHING ELSE at some point!" -- Tom on Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi's quarter-century grudge
"Just read the lines that they hand you and shut up." -- Tom on Harry Shearer lamenting the failure to flesh out Otto the bus driver
"What? Are you kidding. I'm irresistible with that stuff on." -- Tom, countering Laurie's opposition to Axe body wash
"I love the Paul McCartney. He shouldn't have a Hitler mustache." -- Brian from Higgins on the disgraceful defacement of the Back to the Egg cover art (Dr. Stupid did it.)
"Does that make me, I don't know, less of a human or something?" -- A caller, wondering if his Toilet Boys fandom affects his worth as a man
"I could tell it would command instant respect." -- A caller, explaining the importance of his pornography-laden briefcase prop to his defense in court
"Well, I want to score not just on camera, but off camera, too, if you know what I mean." -- A caller on his unquenchable thirst for fame of any kind
"He may not be the guy to get you, but I will. If I'm not in prison, too." -- A caller, warning Tom that either he or his father will crush him with a block of ice
"I wanna go down one aisle to shop for my pet; I want to do down another aisle to shop for my food." -- Tom on his preferred grocery merchandising

[TBSOWFMU - 1/9/07 / Podmirth / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Ann Peebles - "Slipped, Tripped and Fell In Love"

( Click here to buy The Best of Ann Peebles: The Hi Records Years)

The Cynics - "Now I'm Alone"

( Click here to tell Get Hip to put Rock 'N' Roll back into print)

Sondre Lerche - "The Tape"

( Click here to pre-order Phantom Punch)

Deadly Snakes - "Gore Veil"

( Click here to buy Porcella)

Compulsive Gamblers - "I Call You Mine"

( Click here to buy Bluff City)

Blacktop - "Here I Am (Here I Always Am)" (Captain Beefheart cover)

( Click here to buy I've Got a Baaad Feelin' About This: Complete Recordings)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun. Like, say, the annotated highlights of an exciting episode titled "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Murder":

Continue reading "Ice Ice Baby." »

January 9, 2007

Planet GG.

"You think The Queen's gonna take bad phone calls? She's drivin' a Range Rover. The Queen was runnin' things, the Queen don't stop." -- Tom, on the insatiable drive of his new hero
"Will you pretend that you're blind?" -- Tom, wondering how committed a caller is to defending his thesis as Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman
"As far as I'm concerned, it should be a penal colony." -- Spike, suggesting a better use for "Satan Island"
"Tom, I'm known down here. Kinda famous!" -- PBR, justifying his presence in "The Battle of the Philadelphians" stimulation
"I nudged him." -- Philly Boy Roy, helping Mike Schmidt get his groove back with a 9-volt battery
"He said he'd slice my stuff off." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the violent consequences of getting caught by his son
"You write a list out and you say the things you want, that way you don't end up with little miniature trees." -- Tom, counseling a youngster on the value of Christmas listmaking
"Right now all we have is dark-haired wigs." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Studio 60's barren wardrobe department
"It's better than people going out there and doing drugs or whatever they're gonna do. Smashing car windows or stealing apples." -- Paul F. Tompkins on the societal benefits of his weekly dice game
"When are you gonna to learn? You're the worst match fighter in the world!" -- Paul F. Tompkins on Philly Boy Roy's lack of skills
"You've never seen a one-year-old with such pure evil in its eyes." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Roy Jr's early turn to the darkside
"Hey youse guys, who stole my horse?" -- Philly Boy Roy, doing a dead-on John Wayne impression
"I'll do Bringing UP The House, how'dya like that?" -- Eugene Levy (via PFT), finally cashing in
"I'm not wrong. America's wrong on this one." -- Tom, trying to drum up support for Coke Blãk
"Wait, you're calling on a cordless phone? I never would have guessed. I thought you were in the room with me." -- Tom on the source of Laurie's crystal-clear connection
"Daddy needs some companionship, and you know what they say about those dancers." --Trip Whiting, requesting a .jpg of choreographer Twyla Sharp
"For all anyone knows, he's like a dog or possibly even a beanbag chair." -- Trip Whiting on the shapeshifting criminal pornograher John E. Cash
"And if you win, guess where the money comes out?" -- Trip Whiting on the victory spout in the GG Allin slot machines
"It's such a shame that someone slipped him that stuff in his Perrier that final night." -- Trip Whiting on the untimely demise of a clean GG Allin
"Merle, no! Merle, no! Merle, noooooo ....." -- Trip Whiting, begging for mercy

[TBSOWFMU - 1/2/07 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Deerhoof - "The Perfect Me"

( Click here to pre-order Friend Opportunity)

The Leather Uppers - "My Baby"

( Click here to buy Bright Lights)

Beat Beat Beat - "Don't Tell Me Now"

( Click here to buy Living In The Future)

The Clears - "Ties Me Up"

( Click here to buy The Clears)

The Oblivians - "Bad Man"

( Click here to buy Popular Favorites)

Jay Reatard - "It's So Useless"

( Click here to buy the Hammer I Miss You EP)

Live from the gasoline alley behind the meat-packing district, here's the annotated highlights of a closed-phones Tuesday:

Continue reading "Planet GG." »

December 24, 2006


"Get off, bad Flamin' Groovies! I just played good Flamin' Groovies, not bad Flamin' Groovies! -- Tom, after the band's Chuck Berry rock 'n roll cover snuck on the air for a few seconds
"Gonna see it soooooon, won't be loooong now. Gonna seeeeeeeee it ... soooon." -- Philly Boy Roy, breaking into a song about his impending viewing of Rocky Balboa
"Well, some people debate whether he's human or not." -- Philly Boy Roy on the nature of his son
"The Kid is the show! The show's sittin' right here in this chair!" -- Tom, telling everyone where it's at
"Quit smoking, buy yourself a Mr. Potato Head, have a happy holiday." -- Tom, offering some sage advice
"Mom, I want a Porsche." -- Miles in PA, making yet another unrequited gift request
"Dead animals on a coat. What are we, cavemen?" -- Tom on this icky outerwear
"This is Christmastime, we talk about Christmastime topics." -- Tom on Evan's attempt to derail the show by talking up his record collection
"Does he collect pewter figurines?" -- Tom, hoping to send another caller to the Route 18 flea market
"Bring back Tommert." -- Jason, calling The Best Show bullpen to bring back the golden days
"The girls are normal!" -- Tom, finding solace in the female callers
"Man shall ride a bike taller than man." -- The sign of the apocalypse
"Plenty of people still listen live, there's just human garbage. Pure driftwood in the ocean of life." -- Tom on the state of 2006 callers
"Splash some cold water on your face. You get your priorities straight." -- Tom, imploring Chris and his bandmates from the DC Snipers not to blow it
"The only guy I see wear coats like that now is Kevin Smith." -- Tom on the Monkees' penchant for padded dusters being adopted by the filmmaker
"I think he rides on a senior scooter." -- Tom on how Harry Knowles travels in Austin
"I'm a fan of music, I'm a fan of heat waves, and I'm a fan of dust getting kicked up." -- Tom on the perfection of the Austin City Limits festival
"I'm gonna say it's the best album from the 60s." -- Tom, heaping praise on The Monkees' Pool It, an album so good it travels back in time
"Hey. Hold on a second. Are you putting down Wayland Flowers?" -- Tom, ensuring that Bob in Memphis was not speaking ill of the beloved puppeteer
"Western Maine is a place cloaked in mystery and fear." -- Sarah on her home state's pocket of intrigue
"You gotta extinguish it real fast. You gotta have fast hands." -- Philly Boy Roy on the traits that make for a good match fighter
"As long as Sly's makin' 'em, we're playin' 'em." - Former Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo mandating the continuous theatrical run of the Rocky films
"Just another day in the life of Roy Ziegler, I guess, huh?" -- Philly Boy Roy on a typical Philadelphia adventure that ended in jail
"She's still in the building, you idiot!" -- Tom on Kevin Smith unleashing maximum filth within earshot of his young daughter
"How 'bout helping him out, you slob? You read his thing and help him out." -- Tom, demanding that Kevin Smith read a handicapped fan's screenplay

[TBSOWFMU - 12/19/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]


( Click here to buy A South Bronx Story)

Public Enemy - "Night Of The Living Baseheads"

( Click here to buy It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back)

Kashmere Stage Band - "Scorpio" (Dennis Coffey and The Detroit Guitar Band cover)

( Click here to buy Texas Thunder Soul 1968-1974)

Tigers and Monkeys - "Loose Mouth"

( Click here to buy Loose Mouth / Myspace / Variety Shac)

Carbonas - "Alone At Last"
Carbonas - "Frothing At The Mouth"

( Click here to buy Carbonas / Myspace)

Live from a flea market off Rt. 18 (plenty of pewter still left!), here's some annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Driftwood." »

December 19, 2006

The Invisible Man.

"I didn't plan anything tonight 'cause I was getting ready for that. I assumed tonight's show was covered, that Pete had this one in the bag." -- Tom, expecting to ride Pete's three-hour wave
"Don't worry, there are plenty of people keeping track of Spike." -- Tom, reassuring a caller that the ankle bracelet is in place
"Ooooh, candy. I hope Tom doesn’t miss this one!" -- Mike, rooting through Tom’s plentiful candy sack
"He’s one of the good ones, huh?" -- Tom on Aaron's enjoyment of Jewish comedian Sacha Baron Cohen
"Pick one. You pick me or him! You pick me or him! Pick your side, Aaron! -- Tom, informing Aaron that he can't have it both ways
"You’ve got the bloodlust! You like hunting these people. The thrill of the kill!" -- Tom on the devotion of Clubber wrangler BeBe Williams
"You can’t stay nine forever!" -- Tom, issuing a grow-up call to the Hobbits
"A what?" -- Bob Dylan upon seeing a CD version of Modern Times
“He thought Motrin was lady product.” -- Terre T on Mike’s lack of knowledge about the pain reliever
“It’s no secret that he was one of the most anti-nugg crusaders.” -- Bryce on why he'd travel back in time to take care of William Hearst
“Maybe I’ll scale up on killing you.” – A ‘roid-raging Bryce on the next phase of his regimen
"So you ever go into the supply closet? Stick some stuff in your pockets?" -- Tom, asking about Don's heists of high-end Topps product
"I would love to be killed by a ghost." -- Sathingtron on his preferred demise
"Let Christ save you." -- Tom, suggesting a guide for Sathingtron's descent into the West Milford woods
"You can’t hurt what you can’t see." -- No Shoot-Up Pete on the benefits of invisibility
"You know what I would do if I was invisible? I would leave the studio right now." -- Tom on his stealth exit during Pete's lovesick laments about heroin addiction
"They can just get another Chinese guitarist, man, to take his place.” – Rosie O’Donnell No Shoot-Up Pete on the ease of replacing James Iha
"What, are you in My Morning Jacket?” -- Tom, inquiring about Jimmy’s razor-clogging facial hair
"I’ve discovered your weakness. The weakness is that Zod had about nine lines in that movie." -- Tom on the General's limited vocabulary
"It probably means 'stealing someone else's quotes'" -- Tom on the definition of "recidivism"
"Son, it’s a solid purchase. A solid investment." -- Paycheck, advising his 14-year-old self on the wisdom of buying Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash
"There’s stuff I gotta say that I just can’t get out in the Insane Clown Posse! I gotta do my thing." -- Violent J, embarking on a solo career
"It describes a very specific act." -- An industry insider on the controversial title of his new album
"There's not even room for my whole keyboard rig, I've just been told, which I'm kinda bummed about." -- A maja playa on the sacrifices of rocking sub-casinos
"Would I rather be trapped in Red Bank or Mordor?" -- Tom, pondering the lesser of two evil landscapes

[TBSOWFMU - 12/12/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 57, a new high!] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Susan Christie - "Paint a Lady"

( Click here to buy Paint a Lady)

Portastatic - "Growin' Up" (Bruce Springsteen cover)

( Click here to buy Autumn Was a Lark)

The Wrens "Built In Girls"

( Click here to buy Secaucus)

Lost Sounds - "I Sit And I Wait"

( Click here to buy Lost Sounds)

Von Lmo - "Outside Of Time" (from Future Language)

The Blood Brothers - "Spit Shine Your Black Clouds"

( Click here to buy Young Machetes)

Bonus Track:

Petey, Tom, and DJ Terre T - "A Very Special Christmas" ("Rip into that bad boy!")

I've obtained legal counsel and received no cease-and-desist, so the recap show goes on:

Continue reading "The Invisible Man." »

December 12, 2006

Welcome Back Carter (And Owen).

"Sounds like a culture clash!" -- Tom on the quality gulf between Japanese and American recorder construction
“I want him to get caught, but I just want to see him just beat the odds for 40 minutes." -- Tom, wishing for an airborne predator
"You want me to go after someone from Destiny's Child? You’re first, buddy." -- God, sorting out his pecking order and targeting Spike for damnation
"Can’t let some numbskull drive the bus. I’m driving the bus! It’s my show!” -- Tom, revoking the licenses of the Petes of the world
"Hey, man. I found out a way to travel in time. Wait, I’ll show you how, I just gotta change this guy’s oil. Hold on a second, man." -- Pete, struggling to find time to flaunt his new time machine
"He knew his place! Fourth place!" -- Tom on Roger Daltrey recognizing his standing in the band circa The Who Sell Out
"Mike, fetch me the Ringo Starr, please." -- Tom, sending Mike to the library with a regrettable verb
"Save that for your journal, buddy." -- Ted Leo, offering John Lennon some constructive criticism on his lyrics
"John Lennon broke The Beatles up! Not Yoko Ono." -- Tom, setting the record straight
"Oh, Sam. You’re not useless, your call was just pointless." -- Tom, reassuring a caller who recommended Petra Haden Sings:The Who Sell Out
"The gun is good, the penis is evil." -- Zardoz has spoken
"Boar’s Head -- they make a good wurst." -- Roger from NYC, engaging in a little lunchmeat talk
"Even her best moment was Photoshopped." -- Tom on the doctored image of Paris Hilton holding a copy of Trout Mask Replica
"What made you start with your sick parade of terror on my emotions?" -- Tom, demanding the truth from Owen, aka No Smokin' Joe
"Oh yeah, well, I guess I can let that one slide in my head." -- BeBe Williams, cutting J Dilla some slack on his Myspace friend maintenance
"It’s not the norm of the Norm." -- Petey, disappointed by an anomaly in Norm McDonald's comedy oeuvre
"I love those little guys." -- Aaron on the sinfully good Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers at Wendy's
"Check the third one out. It all makes sense.” -- Tom, recommending The Matrix Revolutions, which really tied the series together
"He’s like the dumbest of fans now given a microphone." -- Tom on fellow CSB alum Joe Benigno's improbably rise to radio professional
"What planet was that happening on?" -- Tom on the Sweathogs' fire escape drop-ins on Welcome Back, Carter
"Can you play something warm for me?" -- Philly Boy Roy, requesting some literally hott tunes as he waits in the cold for RB
"Larry Bowa, I coulda handled, but Mike Schmidt woulda probably thrown me for a loop." -- Philly Boy Roy on dealing with Philadelphia dreamscapes
"I've had to buy nine suits so far, Tom." -- PBR on the cost of making it at Krass Brothers
"Hey, Rock, let's go out to Lansdale for some fried shrimp." -- Philly Boy Roy's unappreciated Rocky Balboa riffage

[TBSOWFMU - 12/5/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Amy Winehouse - "Me & Mr Jones"

( Click here to buy Back To Black)

Slick Rick - "Children's Story"

( Click here to buy The Great Adventures of Slick Rick)

3rd Bass - "Steppin' to the A.M."

( Click here to buy The Cactus Album)

EPMD - "You Gots To Chill"

( Click here to buy Strictly Business)

Eric Barrier & William Griffin - "Lyrics Of Fury"

( Click here to buy Follow The Leader)

Clipse - "Trill"

( Click here to buy Hell Hath No Fury)

Wamp Wamp, annotated highlights of a show performed in classic Best Show pace:

Continue reading "Welcome Back Carter (And Owen)." »

December 5, 2006

Way Down in the Hole.

"I'm already at a deficit! Doing this show from a deficit. I can't work from a lead ever?" -- Tom after some headphone issues necessitated a calming, cold-sodey break
"My head is swimming. I'm so stupid." -- Quiz Kid Tommy Scharpling on trying to dive into the world of finance
"Can't be a fan of everybody -- that's why God made horse races." -- Tom, explaining the Lord's safeguard against being forced to like Tom Waits
"It still kinda like, I 'unno, subverts like a bunch of the traditional kinda, I 'unno, like elements and stuff like plot and character and stuff. But it's like more fun, you know?" -- Pudge on Thomas Pynchon's new novel
"You get to cut people up and stuff." -- Pudge on what he likes about the video game, Dynasty Warriors 5 Empires
"Tom Waits don't play no raddyator, Tom." -- A caller, sticking up for his musical hero
"Why you gotta be so Shockey Jockey?" -- An angry Steely Dan fan, questioning Tom's aggro radio persona
"We don't have Rain Dogs? Oh, that must mean they've never replaced the copy that I destroyed." -- Tom on the absence of the album in the WFMU library
"Yeah, Insane Clown Posse are making a lot of money, too." -- Tom, countering a claim that financial success makes Tom Waits good
"Grab the neck of my banjo. I'll help you off the edge of the cliff." -- Pete Seeger trying to save Tom Waits from falling to his death
"I have to tell you, and don't take offense at this, I thought this was like some homo station." -- The WORST CALLER EVER
"We caught 'em!" -- A Myspace Marshall on capturing five Fight Club fans
"Fiddlesticks, we can't land! I guess we're going to the Livingston mall, honey." -- A rich New Yorker having to re-route the helicopter due to a backup on the Short Hills Mall helipad
"Happy Feet makes Mad Max look like an episode of Friends." -- Tom on the extreme weirdness of the new George Miller freakout
"Can you not do it as subtle as that?" -- Happy Feet producer to Al Pacino after doing his Scarface voice for a Hispanic penguin
"These Comic Relief guys are trying to start a Race War!" -- Tom on the new cultural instigators
"That made me hate music. I don't think I like music anymore." -- Tom on the powerful effects of the soundtrack to Happy Feet
"Dude, that's crazy!" -- A caller on Tom's lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen
"What's so funny?" -- Tom, wondering why all of his relatives were snickering at him during Thanksgiving dinner
"Three times the length, and one-third as good." -- Tom on accidentally playing "We Dance" from Wowee Zowee instead of the desired "Serpentine Pad"
"It was kinda hard to hear over the whooshing and the thudding that was going on." -- A caller on Judge Davies' ruling in his case against Kern Pharmaceuticals
"Say what you will about Kern -- they make good muck." - A caller, touting the company's man-made lake filler
"He's harsh, but fair." -- A caller on the approach of his landlord, Bryce Prefontaine
"I'm not that filthy! I wash." -- A millionaire, defending his hygeine
"For every hater, gettin' some love." --Tom, reading some positive responses to his Fight Club Myspace bulletin

[TBSOWFMU - 11/28/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Sparks - "This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us"

( Click here to buy Kimono My House)

Urinals - "Scholastic Aptitude"

( Click here to buy Negative Capability ... Check It Out!)

Boris - "Korosu"

( Click here to buy Heavy Rocks for 2,294 yen)

Subtle - "Middleclass Stomp"

( Click here to buy For Hero: For Fool)

Pavement - "Serpentine Pad"

( Click here to buy Wowee Zowee: Sordid Sentinels)

Jay Reatard - "Nightmares"

( Click here to buy Blood Visions. Look out, DC Snipers!)

Ahoy, mateys! Here's some annotated highlights of a recap I storyboarded while wearing a white suit (as a node to Alec Guinness) because nobody questions a man wearing a suit. You put on a suit, and you've got carte effing blanche. While working on it, David Lee Roth approached me with a clipboard and said, "Hey man, that suit is you!" He then assured me that I would get some "leg" later that night for sure. He was right! Bowzdy Bowzdy Bop Sitty Bop:

Continue reading "Way Down in the Hole." »

November 28, 2006

Here comes Dutch.

"You can do this, Tommy. You can do this. Another show. No big deal. Just do this for three hours, keep those people happy. You keep those people happy! That’s what you do, you keep 'em happy." -- Tom, shaking off the rust
"I may smack some of them around once in a while, but I don't vote for them." -- Spike on how he treats Republicans
"Woe is the person that needs discipline from you." -- Tom, lamenting the soul that needs Spike to fill the void
"I used to be a white meat guy, but I switched over to the darkside, so to speak." -- Sam on his turkey preference
“The dry-erase board in the studio here might be too high-energy for you." -- Tom on a caller who was afraid to step into Jim Cramer's Danger Zone
“So you want to play me something that is not as good as Weird Al?” -- Tom, expressing doubt about the potential quality of Weirder Jon's song parody
"There’s a good chance if you play clarinet, you’re an idiot." -- Tom, making a generalization about those who play the "licorice stick"
"Who wouldn’t want to see Rita Rudner do her act in front of a demolished home?" -- Tom on the irresistible pleasures of stagecraft verisimilitude and top-shelf stand-up
"Hey, where’s my suicide machine?" -- Tom, looking for relief from Billy Crystal's comedy terror
"No food. No water. No turlets." -- "Jazzman" Lester, describing the poor amenities at the Superdome
“How ‘bout you end the war, you dope.” -- Tom, proposing an alternative to Billy Crystal's plan to stop the war for only two days
"Is there such a thing as 'Garrison Keillor humor' actually?" -- Tom, searching for the correct term for this old-timey act
"Billy Crystal did a dress rehearsal on that thing!" -- Tom, pointing out that at least Michael Richards didn't craft his offensive material
"I'm sorry he likes me so much." -- Tom, apologizing for inspiring such steadfast devotion in his fans
"You weren't even there, you were hidin' out in the National Guard, gettin' help from your Daddy!" -- Dutch, expressing his anger about the Swift Boat attacks against fellow veteran John Kerry
"What on Earth made you say it like that?" -- Tom, trying to find out why a caller pronounced the name "Akira Kurasowa" in a bizarre Japanese accent
"Racist! Racist! Racist! Racist!" -- Classic Thanksgiving taunt
"I'm not gonna tell you how to drug your grandparents!" -- Tom, willing to only go so far in helping a listener deal with his family on Thanksgiving
"That's like asking if there will be cameras used in the filming of this movie." -- Tom on whether there would be a scene of Ellen Burstyn accidentally getting high in his new drug comedy
"The treasure is the songwriting gold that Randy Quaid spins." -- Tom on the ultimate bounty in his summertime indie flick

[TBSOWFMU - 11/21/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 41 strong] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Hank IV - "Hole In My Eye"

( Click here to buy Third Person Shooter)

Dan Melchior's Broke Revue - "Black Light"

( Click here to buy Bitterness, Spite, Rage and Scorn)

Mr. Airplane Man - "Wait For Your Love"

( Click here to buy C'mon DJ)

Boyskout - "Lobby Boys"

( Click here to buy Another Life)

The Magic Numbers - "Take A Chance"

( Click here to buy Those The Brokes)

The Ladybug Transistor - "Empty Bottles"

( Click here to buy the Here Comes the Rain EP)

This is a recap emergency. Whatcha want me to do? I’m sorry. I’m back. Can you dig that? I knew ... that you could:

Continue reading "Here comes Dutch." »

November 14, 2006

Recap: Cultural Learnings of The Best Show for Make Benefit Glorious Town of Newbridge.

"I don't have the Fred file tattooed on my eyelids." -- Tom, on his lack of Fred trivia body art
"We're gonna shut this film down." -- Tom, vowing to help his frat brothers wage war against Borat
"Wait, how did you just do that? Did you just play some W.C. Field or something?" -- Tom, wondering how Spike did a dead-on impression of his child-hating hero
"Cold cereal’s not my thing." -- Spike, adding another item to his Don't Do List
"Put your thinking cap on, Ad man, and earn it back." -- Tom, demanding that No Smoke dig deep to regain his respect
"He would clean up down there." -- Tom on Zeph's political prospects in the state of Virginia
"You won’t get any suicide threats over the air anymore." -- Sathington on his newfound emotional stablity
"They owe me a $1. That dump." -- Tom, requesting a refund for having his karaoke rendition of "Cruel To Be Kind" marred by technical difficulties
"You better eat it before he gets the munchies." -- Tom, telling Pothead Dan's mom she needs to get moving on her mint chip ice cream
"It was just hideous." -- August on his last-minute attempt to craft a vampire costume for Halloween
"I'm sorry, Tom." -- August, apologizing for his failure to attempt a sick voice
"Oh, man, that’s crippler." -- Bryce, performing his civic duty by bonging out with his dwindling stash
"Every vote counts -- I made mine count." -- Bryce on his unregistered, write-in vote for "Sugar Magnolia"
"It felt like Jerry's hand came through the TV and was starting to strangle me." -- Bryce on the experience of watching the "Touch Of Grey" video while on acid
"What is this show?" -- Mary B, trying to figure it out
"These weirdos are pretty sticky." -- Tom, warning Mary B about her new followers
"All politics is nonsense. All politics is fake. All politics is pretend. All politics is make believe." - Mary B on the lies of our leaders
"Why am I so boring? I get more boring every week." -- Petey, managing to get a bit exciting by talking about being boring
"One guy looks like he's bowling for more than soup." -- Tom on what may be the heaviest band in the world
"We’re no longer living in a pre-Geeeep world." -- Tristan, on the new AG era for The Best Show

[TBSOWFMU - 11/7/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Chainsaw Kittens - "Sore On The Floor"

( Click here to buy Pop Heiress)

The Wipers - "Mystery"

( Click here to buy The Wipers stuff)

Clinic - "Tusk"

( Click here to buy Visitations on iTunes / Deluxe Version out in US and A on 1/23/07)

Volcano Suns - "Courageous Stunts"

( Click here to buy Thing Of Beauty)

DUSTdevils - "Receiver" (from the Extant EP)

( Click here to download the band's entire discography)

Jay Reatard - "Blood Visions"

( Click here to buy Blood Visions)

Jagshemash. Here are the annotated highlights of a show that was tight like a man's anoose:

Continue reading "Recap: Cultural Learnings of The Best Show for Make Benefit Glorious Town of Newbridge." »

November 7, 2006

Halloween Blues and Boogie Shoes.

"Something tells me Mike will not want for saving accoutrements." -- Tom on Mike endearing himself to the Mennen executives
"You're about three notches past 'kinda sad'." -- Tom on a caller's attempt to recapture his youth by throwing candy at cars
"Hit her with a pillow!" -- Tom, giving Weirder Jon a tip on how to wake his sleeping daughter
"Even the worst people think they’re good." -- Tom, trying to instill some more confidence in a Canadian drone musician
"I’m not educated. I just do whatever they tell me." -- Tom on his blind loyalty to his Republican masters
"Were you playing your guitar like Ozzy plays it?" -- Tom, inquiring about the authenticity of a caller's Halloween costume
"Summertime and the leaving is easy.” -- Tom, rewriting The Zombies' unpleasant, room-clearing dirge
"It was like finding an oasis in the desert." -- Tristan on having two people recognize him as Mad Max
"I'm not Ribbon Man anymore. Yeah, Ribbon Man just threw his costume away." -- Tom on the brief life of his homemade superhero
"It’s not the old days!" -- Tom, responding to Terre T's concern about the rise in hott Hallowen moms
"Man, I want to smash Pete Seeger." -- Tom, still targeting his cowardly nemesis
"Yoga’s a form of … you know what Yoga is, how could anyone on this continent not know what Yoga is?" -- BT, refusing to believe that Tom's is unfamiliar with this cooking discipline
"All this Yoga talk is making me hungry." -- Tom, craving some General Tso's hot dogs
"So the two things you like are coconut and ruining my show!" -- Tom, scolding an Almond Joy fan
"Yeah, I think I understand where Ian Curtis was coming from." -- Tom on the suicidal powers of Werner Herzog's Stroszek
"Kid's got work to do if that's the state of affairs!" -- Tom, getting refueled by bad comedies
"Barry, there is no next movie." -- Hollywood executive delivering some bad news to Mr. Levinson
"That looks like water torture." -- Tom, requesting $17,000 to watch a full season of Farscape
"I would either emerge stronger than ever or completely ruined." -- Tom on his alone time with the cover art for Lenny Kravitz's Baptism
"That Tony Randall album clobbers this." - Tom on Vo Vo De Oh Doe's old-timey takedown of Modern Times

[TBSOWFMU - 10/31/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Tom Waits - "What's He Building In There?"

( Click here to buy Mule Variations)

Black Sabbath - "Cornucopia"

( Click here to buy Vol. 4)

Helloween - "I'm Alive"

( Click here to buy Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part I)

Smashing Pumpkins - "Siva" (from 9/8/91 Peel Session)

( Click here to buy Peel Sessions)

Iron Maiden - "The Wicker Man"

( Click here to buy Brave New World)

Danzig - "Left Hand Black"

( Click here to buy Danzig III: How The Gods Kill)

Annotated highlights of a come-from-behind W:

Continue reading "Halloween Blues and Boogie Shoes." »

October 31, 2006

Predator Strikes Back.

"You're a good person, Spike." -- Tom, after seeing his compassionate side
"I liked him better when he was a wrestler." -- Tom on right-wing talker Michael Savage
"It like describes like I 'unno like the space and time like dependence of like quantum mechanical systems of stuff." -- Pudge, putting a new twist on an old physics classic
"I'm not three, you don't have to say 'bye-bye.' I'm not your baby." -- Tom, demanding more mature farewells
"Eww. I thought I smelled something." -- Tom on the odor still lingering in the JC theater district from Grateful Dead shows in the 1970s
"Ted Leo better get a marionette soon." -- Tom, hooked on puppeteering
"Crack open that wallet, Dad. Chuck E. Cheese don't cost that much." -- Tom, advising against Evan's rest stop frugality
"Sonic reducer ain't no loser. At least for you, if you want to buy the stock." -- Jim Cramer, mixing punk rock and investment tips
"NBC's gonna ankle that laffer, mark my words." -- A caller predicting the premature demise of 30 Rock
"I hate when people lie. Uhh, it burns me." -- The Predator, on the dirty pool of Dateline: NBC and the city of Newbridge
"Kinda like a little hunch, but also leather pants." -- The Predator on his rock star swagger
"Hey, I think I hear this whirring sound underneath your robe. You better watch yourself." -- The Predator, warning a new judge not to repeat the offenses of his predecessor
"If you have the cajones to say that I was me, it's gonna start, okay?" -- The Predator, vowing to fight Tom if he doesn't take a fall for him
"That's like Lou Dobbs making Flamin' Groovies references." -- Paycheck, coming up with an equally weird comparison for Jim Cramer's punk talk
"Guy loves his horses ... and his mysteries." -- Tom on equine-crazed mystery writer, Dick Francis
"The guy's face looks like a mountain range. I thought I was lookin' at the Appalachian mountains." -- Tom on Entertainment Weekly cover boy, Clint Eastwood
"The way that ponytail comes through the back of that hat, man, it drives me crazy every time I see it." -- Dennis Lindsey on his smokin' wife
"Slowhand? I wish he had no hands." -- Tom, not a Clapton fan
"Did the apocalypse happen?" -- Tom, wondering why everyone seems to carrying and concealing handguns
"Chicago: We're Not As Fat As Houston Is." -- Text of new billboard celebrating the Windy City's heart-healthy ways

[TBSOWFMU - 10/24/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Bikini Kill - "Tony Randall"

( Click here to buy Reject All American)

Brainiac - "I Am A Cracked Machine"

( Click here to buy Hissing Prigs in Static Couture)

Hoodoo Gurus - "Tojo"

( Click here to buy the remastered Stoneage Romeos)

The Minders - "Go Wave A Wand"

( Click here to buy The Future's Always Perfect)

Sean Na Na - "Grew Into My Body"

( Click here to buy My Majesty)

+/- - "One Day You'll Be There"

( Click here to buy Let's Build A Fire)

Annotated highlights of show that was fast to the draw and engaged the hostiles:

Continue reading "Predator Strikes Back." »

October 24, 2006

Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.

"I must have psychically picked up on your request because I've started on that. Nothing interesting will start for a long time tonight." -- Tom, doing a favor for Dave in Knoxville
"Let us be like a little lullaby in the background. Doesn't mean you have to start singing along with the lullaby." -- Tom, reiterating the show's new calling policies
"Not only are you boring, you've actually created boring characters. Even your fantasy stuff is boring." -- Tom on Spike's lackluster Sims creations
"Finally, that dump is gone." -- Tom, not crying for CBGB's
"Oh, you gotta see this place -- most disgusting bathrooms on Earth." -- CBGB's primary selling point
"First 9/11, and now this. Can these brave New Yorkers cope with the loss of a rock club that they never went to?” -- Tom, wondering if the city can survive another trauma
"I wouldn’t let my dog sniff anything in that place out of respect to my dog’s nose.” -- Tom, refusing to let Dogmo near any CBGB's souvenirs
"Everything I do is kinda punk." -- Petey, fully immersed in the lifestyle
"He folded like a cheap camera when the heat came down." -- Tom on the cowardice of punk legend Pete Seeger
"You watch Star Wars now, and you get sad when see this great actor have to walk around in a stupid brown robe." -- Tom on seeing Alec Guinness forced to spout Lucas dialogue
"You like movies about trannies, you get as many tranny movies as you want." -- Tom, keeping Laurie's queue mostly intact
"I don’t dress up for Halloween. I go for a festive sweater." -- MC Steinberg on his holiday attire
"An artist has to be willing to try different things." -- Tom on MC Steinberg’s bold decision to adhere sprinkles to his candy apples
"I’ll start doing my own thing, I’ll start doing like an audio tap dance." -- Tom, stealing the show on a Jerky Boys prank
"What are you, auditioning for a job over at Criterion with this list?" --Tom, questioning Mike’s scholarly Netflix queue
"Tommy don’t run, Tommy’s staying to fight." -- Tom, hunched over and coughing eight feet away from the mic, sweat pouring down his brow like he just ran a marathon
"This guy’s crazy! He's gonna get killed up there!" -- Tom, voicing an incredulous New Yorker in the Turk 182 video game
"How on Earth did Donald Trump, Jr. become successful?" -- Tom, trying to explaining the poor kid's rise to business glory
"I kinda agree with him. A lot of dummies call." -- Pudge, supporting a caller's claim that the show's listeners are idiots
"No one can intimidate a Bon Jovi song." -- A caller, expressing displeasure with Indieblockedappella's take on "Livin' On A Prayer"

[TBSOWFMU - 10/17/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 44] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

The Ettes - "No More Surprises"

( Click here to buy Shake The Dust)

Dead Moon - "40 Miles Of Bad Road"
Dead Moon - "The Way It Is"

( Click here to buy Echoes of the Past)

Gojira - "The Heaviest Matter Of The Universe"

( Click here to buy From Mars to Sirius)

Deftones - "Combat"

( Click here to pre-order Saturday Night Wrist)

Asobi Seksu - "Goodbye"

( Click here to buy Citrus)

Annotated highlights of a show in which The Kid kept fighting and fighting and coughing and fighting and, despite his fears, didn't expire like that act-tore who recently croaked onstage:

Continue reading "Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt." »

October 17, 2006

Danielson: A Family Bachelor Party.

"Oh, old records. They really are better. The old stuff really is better than the stuff these days." -- Tom, craving more of Collins and Harlan’s take on Irving Berlin’s "Tra-La, La, La!"
"I 'unno." -- Pudge, responding to anything
"Jane Krakowski is sass and brass." -- Billy, thrilled by the recasting on 30 Rock
"I have an inkling." -- Freddy, using his detective skills to guess the location and purpose of his trip to WFMU
"What happens down in South Jersey, stays in South Jersey." -- The Danielson family code of conduct
"Why youse guys take the party up to Stink City?" -- Philly Boy Roy, disappointed by the location of the festivities
“I don’t wanna get in trouble with my old album otter." -- Philly Boy Roy, declining to confirm his drug-dealing while working as a Drexel janitor
"Oh, they’re smokin’ -- literally. They smoke while they dance on youse." -- Philly Boy Roy on nem ladies at his son's favorite strip club
"Let’s take a forest, chop it up, dye it yellow, and then shoot it out of these canons on people. And then it’ll get swept away. Waa Waaah. Sorry, birds." -- Tom on the confetti-crazed The Flaming Lips
"That's called Elizabeth!" -- Tom giving a name to the olfactories Freddie smelled along the N.J. Turnpike
"The Hamster Dance is OK." -- August, finally warming to it
"I feel like I’m rotting from the inside. I really just feel like years are being shaved off my life as I sit here." -- Tom, prematurely aging thanks to Pudge
"I saw a beer here." -- Tom, documenting the debauchery
"Do I not have the same carnal cravings that you have?" -- Timmy von Trimble, trying to show that he's as human as anyone else
"I was buzzed the whole time. We all kinda was back then." -- Marky Ramone on generating two types of buzz circa Rock 'N Roll High School
"I got out halfway through Webelos. After that pinebox derby race, I was out!" -- Tom on his short-lived stint in the scouts
"I once bought the Best Of ELO album that didn't even have the one ELO song I liked." -- Freddy's deep, dark, Danielson family secret
“People think it’s condemned, but Panty Boys is still happening.” - Troy Dershman, still bringing it on Old Muffler Row
"No, come on, whaddya think I’m a pig?!" -- 418-pound Troy Dershman, taking umbrage at Tom’s suggestion that he weighed 420 pounds
"It's awesome!" -- Tom on marriage

[TBSOWFMU - 10/10/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Melvins - "Rat Faced"

( Click here to buy (A) Senile Animal)

Chavez - "Pentagram Ring"
Chavez - "The Guard Attacks"

( Click here to buy Better Days Will Haunt You)

Converge - "Lonewolves"

( Click here to buy No Heroes)

Slant 6 - "What Kind Of Monster Are You?"

( Click here to buy Soda Pop*Rip Off)

Beck - "New Round"

( Click here to buy the possibly hott The Information)

Bonus Track:

Danielson Famile - "Good News for the Pus Pickers"

( Click here to buy Fetch The Compass Kids)

Annotated highlights of a show with a lot less Joe Torre, a lot more Lou Pinella, and a van load of Danielsons:

Continue reading "Danielson: A Family Bachelor Party." »

October 10, 2006

Darkness on the Edge of Sam's Town.

"Who goes to the beach in a suit? Oh, silly. What were ya thinking?" -- Tom, on Mac McCaughan's ill-advised beachside attire
"It’s The Mamas and the Papas -- it’s not The Mamas and Papas. It’s an insult to the Papas." -- Tom, scolding Spike for omitting a crucial article
"Keep going, Weird Al, even though I hate you.” -- Tom, admiring Yankovic's persistence, if not his parodies
"That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil Armstrong, transmitting from the moon
"Michael, my man, don’t be scared, my brother. Those aren’t flying demons out there, dude -- they’re sky diamonds, just like John sings about." -- Jerry Garcia, talking down astronaut Michael Collins as he orbited the moon on 'shrooms
"Ike got him turned onto it, and he was totally stoned all the time." -- Bryce, on Richard Nixon being a "weed hound" in his revelatory history lesson
"I never thought I’d agree with Nixon in terms of his musical taste." -- Tom, surprised to discover that Nixon found Quadrophenia too sprawling and unfocused
"Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff." -- Text of Bryce's back tattoo
"Ronald Reagan did never smoke marijuana." -- A grammatically challenged Fred defending his man against drug charges
"Yeah, I was outside playing and making friends. I’m so weird!" -- Tom on his failure to watch the short-lived cartoon, ProStars
"Hey, guess who’s not eating that Snickers bar anymore?" -- Tom, after finding out that the candy was stored in Purple Shirt’s underwear bag
"If you ever need a sitter …" -- Tom, suggesting that the surviving members of Poison Idea could look after Baby Ed
"Well that means it’s gotta be good because America has great taste, right? They’ve never liked anything bad." -- Tom on Bob Dylban debuting at #1 on Billboards
"If you’re gonna grab the check, use your name." -- Tom, disapproving of Bill Murray's decision to alter his name for the Garfield credit
"I don’t want to be assisted. Never assist me!" -- Tom, wanting to rock out to the P.C. Richard & Son hold music in peace
"Felt like my spaceship landed, I got off, and I was on Planet Old." -- Tom on entering the casino boofay line
"You know there are new keyboards available. Spend some of that money on a new keyboard." -- Tom, telling Brandon Flowers upgrade his instrument
"That’s rock ‘n roll, junior. That’s what it’s like. Yo La Tengo, they’re not gonna half-step it up there, they’re gonna rock out and blast you with the sound." -- Tom, explaining the origins of the weird vibrations August felt
"Elton is goob." -- Everyone in Petey's high school
"I didn't hear anything on the news about the cold water shortage." -- Tom, at a loss for explaining the lethargy

[TBSOWFMU - 10/3/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

... And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - "Eight Day Hell"
... And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - "Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory" (Guided By Voices cover)

( Click here to pre-order So Divided)

The Muffs - "New Love" (from Hamburger)
The Muffs - "Sad Tomorrow" (from Blonder and Blonder)

( Click here to buy The Muffs stuff)

Portastatic - "Sour Shores" (acoustic demo)

( Click here to buy Be Still Please fun bundles)

Seam - "Pins and Needles" (from the OOP Headsparks)

Annotated highlights of a show in which the kids weren't always alright:

Continue reading "Darkness on the Edge of Sam's Town." »

October 3, 2006

High Hose McGinley.

"You gotta be a Commie if you don’t like the PATH train." -- Tom on the only people that could possibly dislike the trans-Hudson pleasure cruise
"I would puke my brains out." -- Spike on his reaction to Jay-Z performing with the Del Vikings
"He’s a filmmaker, yet you’re telling me he wrote the song 'Misty'." -- Tom on the multi-talented Erroll Garner
"No, I make them. And they’re not for sale." -- Spike on his prized mix CDs
"He’s a trained martial artist, that doesn’t mean he can put the biscuit in the basket." -- Tom on Batman's lack of a jump shot
"That’s the pause that really refreshes, if you ask me." -- Zeph Marshack on the throat-boining drink of no Coke and vodka
"What train line is this, and what time did this happen?" -- Tom, inquiring about the girls gone wild riding the PATH back from NYC.
"Zoom. He’s gone. You can’t tackle a UFO." -- Tristan, selling Tom on Fat Man's gridiron talents
"Oh, man. I'm so scared, man." -- Bryce, rattled by the rush of Satanism in Newbridge
“It’s kind of like my mind, but it’s also a phone.” -- Bryce on what he used to call the show
"Oh, man, it was so bad. None of the subtleties of Behemoth." -- Bryce on the subpar performance by Behemoth, Jr. at the C.O.S. Fun Fair
"I think it was a noble decision, and I think as long as we live in this country, we should support it." -- Tom, respecting Bush's oft-maligned decision to invade Iraq
"Record some old stuff! Record 'Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone'!" -- Kids complaining at Ted Leo’s all-ages recording session
"I could take Harry Shearer to school any day of the week." -- Tom on a man who is decidedly NOT the patron saint of the show
"When they go into ‘Beanbag Chair’, you see a guy walk up to the front with a revolver in his mouth, that will be me." -- Tom on his response to being compared to Fred Mertz and Dane Cook
"Start fighting! You fight, you loser!" -- Tom, informing a caller that winning isnt easy
"You ever have a room temperature Schlitz?" -- Tom, recommending his favorite beer
"It’s like seeing leftovers from a bad meal. Oh yeah, let me eat more of that awful meal." -- Tom on why he did not view the deleted scenes on the A Mighty Wind DVD
"Bill Purray. It's like Bill Murray, except with a 'P'" -- Petey, suggesting that someone needs to intervene
"I recuse myself from any Yo La Tango tickets." -- Officer Tom, taking himself out of the running twice

[TBSOWFMU - 9/26/06 / Podmirth [ON THE ROPES; low 30s at best] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

The Hold Steady - "Massive Nights"

( Click here to buy Boys and Girls in America)

The Dears - "Death Or Life We Want You"

( Click here to buy Gang of Losers)

Jennifer O'Connor - "Perfect Match"

( Click here to buy Over the Mountain, Across the Valley, and Back to the Stars)

Bound Stems - "Excellent News, Colonel"

( Click here to buy Appreciation Night)

Joe Lally - "All Must Pay"

( Click here to buy There To Here)

Redd Kross - "Jimmy's Fantasy" (from the OOP Phaseshifter)
Redd Kross - "The Faith Healer" (from the OOP Third Eye)
Redd Kross - "Peach Kelli Pop" ( Click here to buy Neurotica)

Annotated highlights of a show that kicked, pushed, kicked, pushed, and coasted to a "W":

Continue reading "High Hose McGinley." »

September 26, 2006

Fox-Dog Sacrifice Brings The Flood.

"I’m ready for a fight, where’s my championship robe?" -- Tom, staking early claim to a "W" by converting the studio into a 107-degree gym
"You can’t get no thrills out of life?" -- Tom wondering why J. in Seattle is doing rails with his FOT membership card
"You had them all in one place, U.S. government. I thought you had festivals like that as a way to ferret out the no-goodniks." -- Tom on a missed opportunity to sterilize Brooklyn street filth at the Atlantic Antic
"Hey, everybody, just call me Dickie Z! Hey, what happened to my stuff? I thought you didn’t get picked on in college." -- Dickie Z, getting a rude awakening on his first day in the cutthroat world of higher education
"If you’re at Rutgers, you already got eaten." -- Tom, informing Sheldon about his masticated matriculation
"A nice neighborhood is an orderly neighborhood." -- Keith Kincaid, Tom's nosy new neighbor, on his philosophy for Natas Acres
"I bag it, and then I bag the bag, and then I bag that bag, and then I bag that bag." -- Keith Kincaid, explaining his quad-bagging process
"I almost kind of threw up in my mouth." -- Keith Kincaid on seeing Tom's living room littered with old newspapers
"Hail the Dark Lord." -- Keith Kincaid, leaving Tom with a mysterious sign-off
"Lemme just say it’s all you need to go skiing." -- Keith Kincaid, giving Tom a hint about what Werner put under his pillow
"It’s a great story; it makes you feel good, just like the music of Necroczar." -- Keith Kincaid on his favorite film, Cocoon
"You’re not going to that meeting, are you?" -- Tom wondering if August will attend the Church of Satan Fun Fair
"I don’t get most of your references, I’m sorry." -- August, after snapping a bit at Tom for comparing his films to the work of Errol Morris
"It is high … it is far … it is … caught by Reed Richards." -- John Sterling, thinking he was about to announce a Yankees home run
"If you don’t mind, I’m going to Escape from this call." -- Tom, defeating "Neil Schon" in a Journey reference-off
"I would show enough of my talent to be amazing at sports." -- Tom on his approach to being a superhero
"I think that’s a great move, and I don’t think it will be embarrassing in the slightest." -- Tom on Elton John’s proposed hip-hop record
"Rrrrrr ... Hulk go down on strikes. Hulk say that was outside." -- The Incredible Hulk, the Dave Kingman of superheroes
"The guy's got a forearm like Popeye and he wears Old Spice." -- Evan from Montclair on casino worker Pete Rose
"The world's going to HELL IN A HANDBASKET!!!!" -- A character in a Paddy Chayefsky film yells about the impending doom

[TBSOWFMU - 9/19/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = DOWN to mid-30s] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Lupe Fiasco - "Daydreamin'"

( Click here to buy Food & Liquor)

River City Tanlines - "Shoot The Eye Out!"

( Click here to buy I'm Your Negative)

The Minders - "Don't You Stop"

( Click here to buy It's A Bright Guilty World)

Sloan - "I've Gotta Try"
Sloan - "HFXNSCH"
Sloan - "Another Way I Can Do It"

( Click here to buy Never Hear The End Of It)

Bonus Track:

Deerhoof - "Running Thoughts"

( Click here to buy The Runners Four)

Annotated highlights of a show that came in like a lion and went out like a cougar that ate the lion that came in:

Continue reading "Fox-Dog Sacrifice Brings The Flood." »

September 19, 2006

Tom Is Not Afraid of Air America And He Will Beat Its Ass.

"Soylent Green is made out of 78s!" -- Tom, finally revealing the secret ingredient in this food product, now available in sour apple flavor from Kern
"I’m gonna listen to this cool new format aimed at me -- the reel-to-reel tape." -- A young kid rejecting his parents' unhip turntable
"What I would do right now for a vanilly cone …" -- Tom, craving a snack whose only crime is being too good
"Why bother with the apple? Why not just put that stuff in a bag? Why are we even pretending to have something healthy in the middle of that." -- Tom on ... the candy apple gone mad
"Why does this Oreo taste like shrimp?" -- A boardwalker enjoying a fried treat
"It just brought a smile to my face. Not really into hockey." -- Bill from 19428, inexplicably amused by a "NHL94" vanity plate
"You hurt my feelings, man." -- Bryce, upset about temporary losing his title as the show’s most stoned caller
"Never underestimate the other guy’s greed!" - Frank Lopez (Robert Loggia), offering some sage advice in Scarface
"Well, you know what? I heard you were an a**hole." -- Bill Murray firing back at a caller for speaking ill of La Bamba
"Maybe next week, that’s where the universe will find me. If the universe doesn’t find me passed out under an overpass." -- Skag Winesack on ... whether he'll be on the right side of the law
"They’re going down the turlet over there." -- Tom on ... Air America
"Yeah, it’s my fault that the Scotch tape is starting to come off the antenny they got set up over there." -- Tom, taking no responsibility for the rickety equipment that derailed the simulcast
"What do they think, you’re not good enough for them? I don’t think they’re good enough for you.” -- August on ... Tom's superiority over the bush-league The Majority Report
"He's a Republican?" -- Sarah Silverman, asking Sam Seder about Tom's political leanings
"You’re like Dean Martin. You just make it look so easy." -- Tom on ... Sam Seder's effortless radio talent
"This attempt to smear McGovern -- it ain’t gonna work." -- Sam Seder’s last, very topical words to Tom
"I’ll say it once more, that was my friends, but whatever." -- August, becoming frustrated by Tom’s continued attempts to link him to "The Hampster Dance"
"For your vacation dollar, nothing goes farther than Camden, N.J." -- Tom, promoting tourism in the state's most maligned city.
"To the point where your brother can’t even focus on the fact that Bill Murray’s wearing a MASK!" -- Tom on ... the perils of being too consumed with settling a score
"Take me away. Right now. Seriously, God, kill me. Kill me right now, God. I’m begging you. I’m still here! Why hast thou forsaken me?" -- Tom, in the throes of an "L"

[TBSOWFMU - 9/12/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = DOWN to 53] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Ultrababyfat - "The Courtship of Eddie's Father"
Ultrababyfat - "What's It To Ya"

( Click here to buy No Ringo No)

Luigi - "Single Cell"

( Click here to buy Found on the Forest Floor)

Magnapop - "The In-Between"

( Click here to buy Mouthfeel)

Land of Talk - "All My Friends"

( Click here to buy Applause, Cheer, Boo, Hiss)

REM - "(Carnival Of Sorts) Box Cars" (Live on WILR in 1984)

( Click here to buy And I Feel Fine... The Best of The I.R.S. Years 1982-1987)

Move out of the phone booth you were all cramming into, stop eating Goldfish, get off that flagpole, and join me in the 21st Century for some annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Tom Is Not Afraid of Air America And He Will Beat Its Ass." »

September 12, 2006

Little Miss Scharpling.

"I will whip your child." -- Tom on his new, The Ghostface Killer-inspired business venture ($10/whip; belt not provided)
"See, I can do this art stuff." -- Tom, looking for an NEA grant for his anti-commercialism Snickers installation
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change." -- Rocky Balboa in the inspirational Rocky IV
"You missed school for four stitches?" -- Tom, expressing doubt about Petey's excuse for his Opening Day absence
"Anything can happen when it comes to The Fuzz." -- Tom, warning Megan about drinking in a parked car
"Not in my wheelhouse. Give me someone in my wheelhouse." -- Tom, trying out his Bill Murray impression
"No, it didn’t come with a bun. What I had didn’t come with a bun." -- Spike, trying to convince Tom that he did not order a filet-o-fish sandwich
"Never have I cheered more for a shop going out of business." -- Tom on the closure of Don K. Reed’s Doo Wop Shop
“Not all of them did drugs." -- Spike, defending Doo-Wop Nation
"Children under the age of 25 should be never be seen nor heard." -- Spike, reinforcing his age-based discrimination
"I wouldn’t believe him if his tongue came notorized." -- Spike, badmouthing our President in increasingly bizarre ways
"Do you hear that ladies? This is your chance to get some Unabomber action.” -- Tom, trying to sell the listening audience on Dan McNamara
"Hey, Sweet Tooth is back!" -- Rahway State Prison officials on the return of their favorite inmate
"You’re tuned to 91.1 and here’s some Skinny Puppy, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- A dude about to be very, very disappointed
"Oh my God, my sister called?!" -- Dan McNamara, disgusted that his only female caller was a sibling
"Yes, but Robin Hood was still a thief." -- August, sticking up for law and order
"If they’re made out of pretzels, I could probably chew my way out of them." -- August, hatching his escape plan
Anyone -- male or female -- that thinks a photo of Rosario Dawson in an evening gown is tasteless needs to join a monastery." -- The wit and wisdom of an Autograph Collector reader
"What circles did you roll in?" -- Tom on Dave in Knoxville's autograph collection
"I just like the songs; I don’t like the live show." -- Tom, praising Gwar’s tunesmithing

[TBSOWFMU - 9/5/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 59] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Robert Pollard - "Rhoda Rhoda" [The ode to Mrs. Ziegler we've all been craving!]

( Click here to pre-order Normal Happiness + bonus live CD)

Don Fardon - "Belfast Boy"

( Click here to buy Pop Masters: Don Fardon from the iTunes Music Depot)

The Nice Boys - "Teenage Nights"
The Nice Boys - "Avenue 29"

( Click here to buy The Nice Boys)

Spencer Dickinson - "Why!?"

( Click here to buy The Man Who Lives For Love)

J Dilla - "One For Ghost"

( Click here to buy Donuts)

Annotated highlights of a show dedicated to the loving memory of Carroll O'Connor and cartoonist Dave Berg:

Continue reading "Little Miss Scharpling." »

September 5, 2006


"Summer's almost gone ..." -- Jim Morrison, in one of his many terrible songs
"What is this place?" -- Steve in Michigan, discovering an oasis in the night en route to NYC
"Mmmmmm ... warm lettuce. Tasty." -- Tom, reflecting on one of the delights of a toasted sub
"Hey, can I have a quarduh?" -- Sheldon, bullying kids at the Bowcraft arcade
"They don't do that in Roxboro, no way and no day." -- Philly Boy Roy on his hometown Wawa's refusal to offer toasted subs
"I'm proud of my city, ain't youse proud of your cities?" -- PBR, explaining why he limits himself to Philly-centric cinema
"Roy, I ain't gonna live to 30. I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory." -- Roy, Jr., living life to its fullest
"He musta got wind of my wind." -- Philly Boy Roy on how Officer Harrups tracked him down
"I've done all of my research / I read a big, long guide." -- MC Steinberg, flying towards ecstasy courtesy of author Brutus Ping
"My zip code skills are deteriorating." -- Tom, after a rare misfire on South Orange
"I would slap the Hendrix right off of him." -- Dave in Philly, taking it to Lenny Kravitz
"We get it. You like the leaf." -- Tom, growing weary of Canada's ubiquitous foliage
"Your DNA told you to stay away from Two and a Half Men." -- Tom on the innate instincts to avoid the popular CBS sitcom
"Is this Tim V, by any chance?" -- Tom, finally determining the identity of his old buddy
"You're asking me out?" -- Tom, confirming that Dan wants him to be his date for the New York Television Festival
"Hey, you look like that guy who always plays a bridge troll in every movie." -- Tom, explaining that casting Paul Giamatti in his role is not very endearing
"Thank God they did crack, instead of dropping the Hot August Nights CDs." -- Tom, thankful that the U.S. Government went easy on the inner-city ghettos
"You might get the cat, you might get the king cobra." - Greg from Hayday on a truly special edition of Pet Sounds
"I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ..." -- Extended outro from Hayday's new smash hit, "Hope You Had Fun"
"Define 'wear'." -- Tom, trying to find a nice way to respond to a question about a Danny Manning jersey

[TBSOWFMU - 8/29/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Here's some Nuggets offspring:

The Bangles - "The Real World" [YouTube]

(List your Bangles 1 to 4 in the comments. I'm talking about the gals in the band, so you don't have to stress over where you were going to put Everything.)

Primal Scream - "Gentle Tuesday" [YouTube]

Baby What's Wrong - "Cynics"

Nashville Ramblers - "The Trains"

The Spongetones - "(My Girl) Maryanne"

The Salvation Army - "She Turns To Flowers"

The Plimsouls - "Everyday Things"

Chris Stamey and The dB's - "(I Thought) You Wanted To Know"

( Click here to buy Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1995)

I just got back from the meat house, so it's time for some annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Slapstick" »

August 29, 2006

Where's the Beef?

"Don’t ever have anything to ever do with your life ever on a Tuesday night." -- Tom, appreciating Mike the Associate Producer more than ever upon his return
"You’ve got the stink of laziness all over you." -- Tom on Wet Rat's continued failure to send him any music
"Roy, Jr., that is unacceptable." -- Philly Boy Roy's father on the Eagles' woeful 1975 season
"Not a whole lot of floor left in it. Kind of Flinstonian sometimes." -- Philly Boy Roy on the family's rickety 1976 AMC Pacer
"He needed that energy." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why his father did cocaine prior to his Eagles tryout
"It looked just like one of nem guys in the band was shootin' fire out of his mouth." -- Philly Boy Roy, thinking he was hallucinating Gene Simmons' stage theatrics
"Do those rocks look sharp enough down there? Will I definitely get killed?" -- Tom, considering diving off the lighthouse to his death
"I once got left by a bus and I sworn I wouldn’t never see it happen again." -- A good samaritan, somewhere between Mississippi and Louisiana
"Let me play some of that stuff for the ghost of John Coltrane." -- Tom, suggesting an authenticity test for Steely Dan's fake jazz
"Oh, I do not envy thou.” -- Bryce on Tom's impending meeting with Rutager
"What are you, Robert Goulet just walking on The Tonight Show?" -- Tom on a caller who immediately launched into song
"You might as well eat that in the emergency room." -- Tom on Joey's not-so-balanced dinner
“Take that Langley Schools, with your dumb chimes.” -- Tom, on the commentary track during his spin of Wings' "Venus and Mars"/"Rock Show"
"I remember more about your life than you do, it seems. Get off the weed, I guess." -- Don Klausmenser on Tom's inability to remember obscure details from a five-month period during fifth grade
"Do you still have that shirt?" -- Don Klaumenser, wondering if Tom still owns the classic Wendy's gear
"I’ve always been of the opinion that food should be free." -- Don Klaumenser, stating the guiding belief of the Freedom Eaters
"When things are too pleasurable, you get complacent." -- Don Klaumenser on why he prefers to drink warm water with his free food
"Oh, that damned device." -- Don Klaumenser on the perils of his uncle's mechanical nemesis
"On the one hand, I want to live; on the other hand, I want more of those cookies." -- Don Klaumenser on Werner's addictive treats
"You seem like a nice gentlemen." -- Nicole, on the road to becoming a full-fledged FOT

[TBSOWFMU - 8/22/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 52] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Jucifer - "Hennin Hardine"
Jucifer - "Pontius Of Palia"

( Click here to pre-order If Thine Enemy Hunger)

The Heads - "Embryonic Lizard"

( Click here to download Under the Stress of a Headlong Dive from eMusic)

Ben Kweller - "This Is War" (from the forthcoming Ben Kweller; 9/19/06)

( Click here to buy Benjamin Kweller recordings)

Oxford Collapse - "Please Visit Your National Parks" (from the forthcoming Remember The Night Parties; 10/10/06)

( Click here to buy the band's previous LP, Some Wilderness)

M. Ward (ft. Neko Case) - "To Go Home" (Daniel Johnston cover)

( Click here to buy Post-War)

Annotated highlights from Abba to Zappa of a show subsidized by the Mennen Corporation:

Continue reading "Where's the Beef?" »

August 21, 2006

The Kingman of Comedy.

"I'm in the church and I’ve come / To claim you with my iron drum." -- John Cale, "Paris 1919"
"How did I not hear about this until yesterday? What rock have I been living under?" -- Tom wondering how he missed the Snakes on a Plane buzz
"Yeah, it did have its moments -- its moments of abject torture and its moments of just straight-up torture." -- Tom, making a few clarifications on a Clerks II review
"You’re a Dave Kingman of comedy." -- A caller comparing Tom to the erratic slugger
"Finally got convicted?" -- Tom, speculating on why Fred's going away
"I want nothing to do with Facebook." -- Tom, distancing himself from the social networking portal
"I’m somebody who’s suffered throughout my life with what is known as 'flagrant acne'" -- Tom, doing a spot for Proactiv skin care
"When you’ve puffed as tuff as I puffed the other day, it’s all a blur." -- Bryce on his inability to distinguish Elvis racing films
"You have no right to tell your child anything." -- Tom, noted baby expert, advising against outfitting a newborn with a Black Flag t-shirt
"I would be surprised if there was actually a human ever named Steve Grayson in all of time." -- Tom on the scientifically white Elvis character name in 1968's Speedway
"If money is no object, we won’t object." -- Anything, Inc's catchy slogan that also appears on mugs
"Look at me, dear sir, look at me!" -- Bradford Hottenstein, alerting Andrew Carnegie to an imminent unicycle plunge into a pile of horse excrement
"He needed that dough to keep those tanks a rollin'." -- Brian Hottenstein on why Hitler agreed to a 1940 fitness challenge with Pope Pius XII
"$78 million dollars buys a lot of silence. Even says that in Ye Olde Scripture." -- Brian Hottenstein on Anything, Inc's hush-hush, murderous recreation of Road House
"Pardon the pun, it’s a real stinker." -- Brian Hottenstein on the script for Dr. Reginald Spearmint and His Magical Fart Machine
"Well, I hope you don’t mind that toxic branding iron, then." -- Brian Hottenstein, warning Tom about Hot Rockin' Ronnie's assault on his bare buttocks
"I think you may want to get away from the starches." -- Tom recommends that the sluggish Eric from New Paltz lay off the tots
"I acted like I was making a pizza." -- Jimbo, on how he handled some aggressive romance in his latest Lighthouse Confession
"You wake up and you do work." -- Anne, on her daily homeschooling routine
"Follow our lead, we’re doing pretty good here with the words." -- Tom, advising New Zealand to cease referring to gasoline as "petrol"

[TBSOWFMU - 8/15/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Three For Tuesday Times Two:

The Clean - "Drawing To A Hole"
The Clean - "Big Soft Punch"
The Clean - "Twist Top"

( Click here to buy Anthology)

Let's Active - "Waters Part" (from Cypress)
Let's Active - "Fell" (from Big Plans For Everybody)
Let's Active - "Sweepstakes Winner" (from Every Dog Has Its Day)

( Click here to buy Let's Active recordings)

Bonus Track:

A Sunny Day In Glasgow - "Game of Pricks" (Guided By Voices cover)

( Click here to buy The Sunniest Day Ever ep)

Annotated highlights of The Kid trying to do it all without "the invisible hand" holding it down on the other side of the glass:

Continue reading "The Kingman of Comedy." »

August 14, 2006

Repeat Offender.

"How can they be brothers if their names are so different?" -- A caller questioning the fraternal status of Charles Sheen and Emilio Estevez
"Wow, they’re really rallying around me." -- Mel Gibson on Patrick Swayze, Patrick Swayze, and then Patrick Swayze coming to his defense
"Those animals back in coach deserve what they get." -- Tom, flying for free in First Class+
"It’s not my fault you can’t do math." -- Tom, responding to a caller who stubbornly insisted that 62 + 43 = 105
"Modesty is not my greatest feature." -- Gene Simmons, admitting one of his flaws
"The timbre of your voice screams hot dog salesmen to me." -- Gene, trying to match Tom's vocals to a vocation
"I’m not made out of money. Oh, yes, I am sort of." -- Gene, shortly before rearranging his bloated wallet
"When people think of Kiss, who doesn’t think of athletics?" -- Slogan for the new line of Kiss baseball bats
"You’re a dirty cretten." -- Gene, issuing judgment on Tom with an eccentric pronounciation
"I did nothing wrong. My kid did nothing wrong. All he did was throw the f-bomb at you and call you names." -- Battle cry of the Bridge Troll Parenting Society
"Look out UK, the face of the Ugly American is about to change." -- Tom, warning Eng-a-land about a visit from Officer Tom
"I could take 50 punches and not think twice about it, and that kiss has been haunting me ever since." -- Officer Tom on his Jason-prompted liplock with Purple Shirt
"I think I’m in Europe." -- Trent L. Strauss, lost and still trying to make it back
"Yo man, he’s guilty, man." -- Junkie jurist Fred, casting the first vote against a young recidivist
"It’s all an act, Tom. It’s like Andy Warhol." -- Petey, suggesting that his radio persona is an artistic ruse
"Where’s your Henry Fonda now?" -- Tom, wondering who will support Petey post-conviction
"If your podcast was beating my podcast, I’d jump in front of a truck." -- Tom, on what he would do if his troubled podcast hit rock bottom

[TBSOWFMU - 8/8/06 / Podmirth [48 subscribers] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Here's some original musical Nuggets:

Max Frost and the Troopers - "Shape of Things To Come"
The Remains - "Don't Look Back"
The Thirteenth Floor Elevators - "You're Gonna Miss Me"
The Turtles - "Outside Chance"
Strawberry Alarm Clock - "Incense and Peppermints"
The Sparkles - "No Friend Of Mine"

( Click here to buy Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era 1965-1968 )

Jay-Z - "Takeover"

The break's over, so here's the annotated highlights of a show that's like the Army or the Navy, it'll kidnap your babies, spit at your lady, bring a knife to a fistfight, kill all you ants with a sledgehammer. It's hosted by a man who demands satisfaction and could beat you with one good arm.

Continue reading "Repeat Offender." »

August 1, 2006

The Smith Effect.

“I broke that out of my canister of quips and snaps.” -- Philly Boy Roy, finally revealing the source of his neverending supply of comebacks
“I admire any kind of person that can make a livin’ sitting down.” -- Philly Boy Roy on his respect for sedentary professionals
“They’re not at all cosmopolitan like we’s is." -- Philly Boy Roy on the unsophisticated Ames, Iowa-based Zieglers
“They made a bad record, you don't need to play it!” -- Fred, not a fan of Led Zeppelin's "Hot Dog"
“Knock it off” -- Tom, sending a message to Hezbollah
"They're not your fans, buddy." -- Tom delivering some bad news to meet-and-greet proponent Robert Kelly
“Daddy likes.” -- Tom after getting some Fruit Punch + Berry Gatorade to put out the fire in his mouth
“We bring guns to knife fights.” – Tom, telling the Goshen kids how The Best Show rolls
“I hate everything about this.” -- Tom, finding nothing to admire in Clerks
“I’m reading this guy’s book. I’m studying every move!” -- Tom on his Rommel-inspired approach to defeating Kevin Smith
“One for Jay and Silent Bob.” -- Single-ticket guys about to get their opening day Smith fix
“There might be a couple of copies of Daredevil #1 at Kevin Smith’s house.” -- Tom, suggesting some budgetary tomfoolery on Clerks II
“Let me just let the local ruffian from my town pollute the screen for 10 minutes.” -- Kevin Smith on an alternative approach to the intense emotional sweep of Magnolia
“You did it, Smith. You got me in the theater again.” -- Tom, on the myterious allure of the View Askewniverse
"How many ladles of spoiled soup must you people eat before you realize the whole pot has gone bad?" -- Tom, wondering when the fanboys will Wise Up

[TBSOWFMU - 7/25/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Swervedriver - "For Seeking Heat" (from the OOP Mezcal Head)

( Click here to buy Juggernaut Rides '89-'98 [IMPORT])

The Thermals - "Here's Your Future"

( Click here to pre-order The Body, The Blood, The Machine)

Chad VanGaalen - "Dead Ends"

( Click here to pre-order Skelliconnection)

Tommy Keene - "Places That Are Gone" (from the OOP Songs From The Film)

( Click here to buy Tommy Keene recordings)

Guided By Voices - "Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/22/00)

Guided By Voices - "The Official Ironmen Rally Song" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/22/00)

( Click here to buy Guided By Voices recordings)

I received an overwhelmingly positive response (2 pro, 1 con) to the new feature launched in the 7/11/06 show recap, so here's the hotttly-anticipated Youse Are On Notice #2.

I wasn't even supposed to be here recapping today, but I've got my POT-80 Porta-Ghetto, some Soul Asylum tapes (post-Twin/Tone only), a fully-loaded canister of pop culture references, and a small "Buddy Christ" figurine to guide me. In other words, snootchie bootchies!

Continue reading "The Smith Effect." »

July 17, 2006

Clowntime Is Over.

"I don’t like to be disciplined, I like to discipline."-- Spike, displeased with the role reversal
"I'm the one and only, but I'm not from Olney!" -- Philly Boy Roy, dropping an inside joke for the Phillyites
"But Roy, I am psychic!" -- Roy Ziegler, Jr., revealing his powers to his father
"Oh, the stories that seat could tell." -- Philly Boy Roy on the Murder Junkies-soiled back of his cab
"They toast nem rolls over there!” -- Philly Boy Roy, discovering the ills of the competition
"Last week's show was excellent." -- Fred, a fan of the "57th Best Show On WFMU"
"Yes, I am." -- Thomas, coming clean about his drunkenness
"Look out, here comes Denny Doherty wearing a Nehru jacket.” -- Tom on The Mamas & the Papas trying to follow Jim E. Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival
"Sorry hippies, I’m still not on board." -- Tom giving a double thumbs-down to Festival Express
"What're gonna just roll in the theory of selling it?" -- Tom, the victim of a cruel Propeller tease
"You don’t drop your guard with your fans!" -- Mission statement of Dane Cook, Inc.
"While it's a step up from the devices that Ben Franklin and, say, Billy The Kid used, it’s still positively barbaric." -- Judge Montgomery Davies, on the flaws of the early devices used by Babe Ruth
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Judge Davies, requesting some kind of duel with some kind of device
"This is a long story, you need to calm down." -- Matt, Goshen's finest storyteller, asking for some patience from The Kid
"Come on, nerds, you can’t live on just Crunchberries. Get your act together." -- Tom, lobbying for a healthier, more balanced nerdiness
"You know when I worked on Fraiser ... Owwwwwwww!" -- Kelsey Grammer, getting hot wax in his eye while becoming Beast

[TBSOWFMU - 7/11/06 / Podmirth [Down to 33 subscribers] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / NEW! Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Girl Talk - "Smash Your Head"
Girl Talk - "Summer Smoke"

( Click here to buy Night Ripper, the plunderphonics party record of the summer!)

Kanye West (ft. Common) - "My Way Home"

( Click here to buy Late Registration. The critics really missed the boat on this one -- it's actually pretty good.)

David Axelrod - "Holy Thursday"

( Click here to buy 1968 to 1970: An Axelrod Anthology)

Sebadoh - "License To Confuse"

( Click here to buy Bakesale)

Sebadoh - "Gimme Indie Rock"

( Click here to pre-order the 2-disc re-issue of III)

NEW! weekly recap feature: Youse Are On Notice! Each week, three members of The Best Show universe will be put -- you guessed it -- "on notice". Repeat offenders will be sent to Spike's dungeon for a series of disciplinary sessions. So without any additional adieu, here it is: YAON #1. [Note: I consider the Boring Goshen Mutants and "Fred" to be on permanent notice, so they are exempt from the weekly slate.]

Annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Clowntime Is Over." »

July 4, 2006

Fever Pitch.

“Some more than others.” -- Spike on the extent to which humans are human
"It scared me." -- Tom on his favorite horror film, Monsters, Inc.
"You’re a gross person and I kinda want nothing to do with with you." -- Tom on lighthearted family prankster Chad Shackleford
"Yo, John Scharpie, man, what is a podcast, man?" -- Fred, not a subscriber, but still a filthy junkie
"Oh, Hasselhoff, don't do it." -- Tom, trying to avoid a clean sweep on America's Got Talent
"It's all juice bars now." -- Ted Leo, lamenting what's become of the old neighborhood
"It puts me back to sleep for my 11:30 a.m. nap." -- Tom, new FIFA spokesman
"Did you pick your ascot out yet?" -- Tom, asking Richie Rich if he has the requisite attire for his snob school
"We want to live. Don't you want to live, Tom?" -- Richie Rich, dropping some Wooderson-y Goshen philosophy
"You got no heart, son." -- Tom, on Goshen's Tin Man
"What's happening to this community, Tom?" -- Rev. Ken Miller on Newbridge in decay
"I don't know what it is -- I just see them and I have to help them." -- Ken Miller on his compassion for stray dogs that wander into adult businesses
"You just light the stuff and it goes off, right?" -- Ken Miller, oblivious to the safety problems of his planned indoor fireworks presentation
"I never did find that dog!" -- Ken Miller, still searching

[TBSOWFMU - 6/27/06 **NO ARCHIVE** / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*The podcast is up to a lucky (Heinz) 57 subscribers, which is staggeringly low considering the Recid-O-Cast has 213! Tom's done begging -- he will no longer tap dance for the pod people. Once he figures out how to work the magic red button, he will add one bonus minute of chit-chat to the live show to reward people for checking out the real three-hour extravagonza with all the hott music.

Sleater-Kinney - "Start Together"

( Click here to buy The Hot Rock)

Chavez - "Top Pocket Man"

( Click here to buy Ride The Fader)

Boris - "Furi"

( Click here to buy Akuma No Uta)

Danko Jones - "When Will I See You" [I had never heard of these guys until a couple of weeks ago when Evan "Funk" Davies played them while filling in for DJ Terre T and now I've decided that they rock HARD.]

( Click here to buy Sleep Is The Enemy)

Sleater-Kinney - "Taste Test"

( Click here to buy Call The Doctor)

Bonus track for Spike, the Astro-creep, a dungeon-dwelling American freak, yeah!:

White Zombie - "More Human Than Human"

Annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Fever Pitch." »

June 27, 2006

School's Out.

"Who is the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?" -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
"I hope you’re in the Wawa parking lot four hours from now with your brother laughing at you.” -- Tom wishing a coerced hot dog meal on John from Missouri
“I had the soup zinger.” -- Greg from Raleigh, lobbying for an extra point
"You know they sell this stuff in stores pre-made." -- Tom informing Purple Shirt about retail beer buying
“That’s right, Leykis, I called you a tree sloth” -- Tom, bringing it to his competition
“I’m in the Arby’s men’s room!” -- Bluetooth douche
“Good luck with that loveless marriage!” -- Tom, wishing a caller well in her pursuit of an MRS degree
"I’ll punch you in the face." -- Tom, ready to battle Fred on the Triboro Bridge
"Mermaids: you can’t live with ‘em and they can’t pee standing up." -- Grandpappy Jack, imparting wisdom on the life aquatic
"What is ART?" -- Day Of The Dead enthusiast Oscar, pondering the great questions
"Open your ears, jackass." -- Obese barbershop quartet star Zachary Brimstead after Tom has some trouble deciphering some extreme rounding in his rendition of Necko Case's "Maybe Sparrow"
"Immigrants and----" -- Zachary Brimstead, getting cut off by Tom during his rendition of GNR's "One In A Million"
“Who wouldn’t want to see a barbershop pole shoot laser beans?” -- Zachary Brimstead
"I'd recognize that cumberbun and those sweatpants anywhere." -- Zachary Brimstead, identifying himself on the cover of Newsweek
“Once you’ve had fudge fruit, you’ll never go back to dumb fruit.” -- Zachary Brimstead on The Fudge Tub's fudge-filled fruit
"You’ve probably never had a three-octave 'what' dropped on your bottom." -- Zachary Brimstead on his operatic inquisitiveness
"My brother calls it the planter." -- Zachary Brimstead on his skeletal and immobile 1968 Mercedes Benz

[TBSOWFMU - 6/20/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*A flurry of excitement brought the subscriber total to 55 and a spot in the high 30s on the iTunes Top 100 Comedy podcast charts. However, the floor has fallen out and the show is tumbling in the ratings. If the show falls out of the top 100, Tom will pull it. In addition to chatting it up at church, the solution to all of this may be additional financial support.

Guns N' Roses - "Shadow Of Your Love" (unreleased Appetite-era b-side)

Wu-Tang Clan & System of a Down - "Shame On A Ni**a"

( Click here to buy Loud Rocks)

Dirty on Purpose - "Marfa Lights"

( Click here to buy Hallelujah Sirens)

Be Your Own Pet - "Hillmont Avenue"

( Click here to buy the Summer Sensation EP)


Boys From Nowhere - "Goin' Too Far" (from Eat a Cherry: Cherry Blossom Clinic 2006 WFMU Fundraising Premium -- NOT FOR SALE MOFOS!)

There will always be a best show on WFMU, but until The Kid packs up his old kit bag and takes down the tentpole, this recap is all about The Best Show on WFMU. Annotated highlights of the nitty, the gritty, and the warm weather weirdos:

Continue reading "School's Out." »

June 20, 2006

Newest Minglewood Blues.

"You don’t know how hard I push." -- Tom, BRINGING IT every week even when faced with the 6:00 p.m. Tuesday blues
"Not everybody can say they helped Bryce with his tires." -- Bryce on the honor of providing him with roadside assistance
"I’m about to do what you should be doing now." -- Bryce, before taking a hit from his color-coded bong
"Play it, Captain Trip!" -- Bryce, grooving to "New Minglewood Blues"
"I hate you and I’m gonna kill you. We all are." -- Bryce, threatening Tom with death by cub scouts
"It hurts my ears." -- Austin on why he dislikes all music
"I’m looking forward to a great night of sound." -- Dan from The Plarns, shortly before giving the soundman $50 to secure better seating at an SF club
"I wanna call in also!" -- Anton, inspired by his brother August's call to a radio show
“I’m just being a wise, you know, 18-year-old, here.” -- Suburban Yoda
"SHUT UP! I’m trying to eat something!" -- A fourth-grade Petey, yelling at his third-grade tormentors
"Oh, Mrs. Wiggins, come in here ..." -- Jeff Conaway on The Carol Burnett Show
"Chucky’s good for business. Chucky’s good for society." -- Spike on the cultural import of the possessed doll from Child's Play
"Trust me, I know my television." -- Spike, convinced he knows who was on The Carol Burnett Show
“This is Philadelphia, Culture Capital of the World. Speak Philadelphian or Die!” -- Text for a Ziegler-funded billboard
“Well, let’s just say that sometimes it snows down in the basement.” -- Philly Boy Roy, informing Tom about the blizzards and other weird weather patterns at his illegal speakeasy
“That guy’s a whole lotta not attractive.” -- Tom on his old-timey radio enemy Garrison Keillor

[TBSOWFMU - 6/13/06 / Podmirth**CRITICAL CONDITION** / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

softserve.gif**After showing signs of life, the podcast is in a sickening freefall. Consult your pastor, rabbi, or, in my case, a Scientology Field Minister to keep it going. Since I'm an idea man like Donny "Turbo" Deutsch, I heavily promoted the Best Show podcast on my recent trip to Italy, and this should yield an influx of subscribers. I met some resistance along the Amalfi coastline, so I ended up pushing 57 people into a 500-degree, wood-fired pizza oven. I kinda felt a little bad about incinerating a family of four on holiday from London, but they were extremely belligerent ("What's the bloody Best Show?", "Bollocks to Tom Scharpling", "Is Ricky Gervais on it?", etc.). After that, people were a lot more sympathetic to the cause. Whatever it takes. While at my kiosk in the Piazza Navona in Rome, I managed to rile some Italians into a robust "Good Guys Win in 2006" chant, although I think they were under the impression that it was in support of the Italian football squad, which was playing their first World Cup match against Ghana at the time. The Carabinieri eventually ordered me to leave after I punched a mime who invaded my turf. I called the officers "soft-serve", but luckily for me, they interpreted it not as an insult, but a request for a stop at a gelateria. They recommended a great one just off the square.

The Groundhogs - "Rich Man, Poor Man"

( Click here to buy The Best of the Groundhogs)

Ladyhawk - "Drunk Eyes"

( Click here to buy Ladyhawk)

Dinosaur Jr - "Hot Burrito #2" (Flying Burrito Brothers cover ft. Matt Dillon on backing vocals)

( Click here to buy the Green Mind reissue)

Hey! You Heart Rachel Flotard!

Visqueen - "Vaxxine" (from King Me)
Visqueen - "Omaha" (from King Me)
Visqueen - "A Viewing" (from Sunset On Dateland)

( Click here to buy Visqueen recordings)

Annotated highlights of The Kid grinding out six half-hour segments of live entertainment, broadcast from the Radio Hut Theater in cozy Lake Newbegone, where the women are strong, the men are delusional, and Bryce is always high as a kite.

Continue reading "Newest Minglewood Blues." »

June 3, 2006

Beardo Meets El Goodo.

"Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns." -- Principal Ed Rooney (Gleason Jones) in Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"Toughen up, everybody! It’s not that hard of a life." -- Tom, sick of the surrounding soft-servitude
"Oh, I wish I could be on one of those flights to watch them eat tuna sandwiches." -- Tom, not thrilled by the culinary adventures of the Portland Trailblazers.
"It’s Philly -- everything goes and anything goes." -- New slogan from the Philadelphia Board of Tourism
"Still no Swarm 2, Dad." -- Philly Boy Roy, at his father's gravesite
"Ok!" -- Tom, quickly and enthusiastically embracing Sean's recommendation to avoid the Huey Lewis & The News Greatest Hits compilation
"CNN is the wrongest news organization ever in the history of mankind." -- Kelly, forgetting about Fox News
"From the fingers of Jenkins, to your tv screen." -- Rogue CNN crawl man Tim Jenkins on transmitting the news of Gleason Jones' demise
"I don't know, you'd have to ask Paula Poundstone." -- Zach Galifianakis, responding to a query about what it's like to do comedy sans beard
"There’s no one here for me to high-five." -- Zach, on the downside of being on tour with a duo of raging nerds
"Anything but your questions." -- Zach, gladly taking calls
"I thought that Superwolf record was funny." -- Tom on the comedy stylings of Will Oldham
"She must really give good cross-stitch." -- Buzzy from Anchorage, offering Zach a killer punch line
"Host, I don't like you." -- Buzzy, signing off with what is known to comedy insiders as a "cat"
"I hope you get shot at the pheasant hunt." -- Tom, wishing death on a New Hamshire DJ who crossed The Best Show

[TBSOWFMU - 5/30/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Let's push this bitch over the edge! Vote for TBS on Podcast Alley! Get friends, family, and random reprobates to subscribe!

Silversun Pickups - "Well Thought Out Twinkles" (from the forthcoming Carnavas)
Amy Millan - "Headsfull" (from the forthcoming Honey From The Tombs)

Tommy Keene - "In Our Lives" (from the OOP Songs From The Film)
Tommy Keene - "Our Car Club" (The Beach Boys cover ft. Peter Buck ; from the OOP Based On Happy Times)

Hey, You Heart Early 1990s Classix!!! And Late 1990s Classix, Too!!!

Bettie Serveert - "Tomboy"

( Click here to buy Palomine)

The Geraldine Fibbers - "Toybox" (from the OOP Butch, but someone will sell it to you used for 46 cents, which is the steal of the century.)

Annotated highlights of Tom just trying to fill three hours:

Continue reading "Beardo Meets El Goodo." »

May 30, 2006

The Usual Gang of Idiots.

"Pay up." -- Tom, requesting that Elastica throw the members of Wire some of their hair gel loot
"You’re dropping a bomb on me here, buddy." -- Tom after finding out about MAD magazine
"Help me." -- Trent L. Strauss, alive but not necessarily well
"[Foreign language], [foreign language], [foreign language], Paul Simon." -- A native, recognizing the marauding musicologist
"What, are you getting paid by the note?" -- Tom to the overplaying Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo
"I promise that the poetry I’m going to read is not toilet mouth. It’s clean and it’s family-friendly. I could read this poetry to my grandma." -- Mike from Wet Rat, before reading his haiku
"If this show was Otto Preminger, that would be Skidoo." -- Tom on a bizarre call from Laura, Wet Rat's manager
"I believe everybody’s equal, Tawm." -- Larry, feminist crusader
"Oh my god, dude. Are you still feeling it?" -- Darren from Work, asking Tom if he's still high from their Battle of the Bands victory
"Why the hell did I ever doubt that I could be a rock star?" -- Darren, delusional from a brief taste of minor stardom on the corporate stage
"Kim says I should get my you-know-what pierced." -- Darren, recounting an accessory request from his mistress
“It would be bad news if this stuff was made public.” -- Darren on his collection of erotic paintings
“Oooh, what a wonderful theater." -- Robin Williams on the UCB, his new comedy home

[TBSOWFMU - 5/23/06 / Podmirth* [subscribers = 20] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Three new subscribers since last week, but the numbers remain "shamefully low". Tom grovels and says that the the blue wire will be pulled the second week of June unless the numbers improve.

Three heists for Tuesday!

Wire - "I Am The Fly"
Elastica - "Line Up"

Wire - "Three Girl Rhumba"
Elastica - "Connection"

The Stranglers - "No More Heroes"
Elastica - "Waking Up"

Bonus thievery:

Elastica - "Stutter"

I couldn't find the 7" for digital transfer, but I assure you that "Stutter" is a total rip-off of "Mongoose", a song I wrote while in a college band called Loose Cannon. We mainly did Let's Active, Spin Doctors, The Feelies, and Anthrax covers (I put on the headdress for "Indians" just like Joey Belladonna!), but we also released several influential singles that did fairly well in the tri-state area, getting some burn on WFMU. We've been name-checked by Karen Orzolek in Spin and Thurston Moore was known to put us on mix tapes. Bobby Christgau gave the track "Choice Cuts" status in his Consumer Guide column, saying: "Punk-pop as self-consciously noncanonical market ploy, wound tight as a methedrine high. I love LC's bright, tough veneer and hectic sexuality. I'll happily get juiced on their quick charge." A little creepy, but we were very grateful, and it led to selling out of our initial press run of 25 copies. If you're interested, the single pops up on eBay from time to time. It's "Mongoose" b/w "Soaked" (1994, GOMP! Records). Yellow vinyl!

I made the mistake of playing the song on my acoustic guitar when Justine Frischmann visited my dorm during the fall semester of my sophomore year. We'd met the previous summer when I was in England working as a ball boy at Wimbledon. (Boris Becker said I was the best ball retriever and towel getter he'd ever seen. The Duchess of Kent agreed.) We stayed in touch, and she hopped across the pond to see me when she was taking a break from writing the Elastica debut. We did rails (+ other things) and everything seemed great, but then it became really weird and she started acting like a total bee-otch. I ended up getting knocked unconsicous by Damon Albarn (he wielded a bejewled scepter) outside of a club in NYC, waking up the next morning in front of Toad's Place in New Haven. I later found out that she also hooked up with our drummer (he looked like fading Yankees hurler Randy Johnson at the peak of his mulleted glory) and my 66-year-old History professor. After that, I soured on Brits and focused my romantic attention on America's girl next door: Juliana Hatfield. I'd rather not get into the details, but I will say that I still have a restraining order against her. And at the time, she claimed she could land us a deal with Mammoth Records and that sure as hell never materialized. I recently contacted labels about releasing a compilation of the entire Loose Cannon catalog, but no takers yet. I got Gerard Cosloy's number from Byron Coley (he agreed to do the liner notes), so I called him last week to make sure he got our letter. He was clearly annoyed and said: "Leave me alone, I'm watching the Mets game." He hung up. Jerk.

Juliana Hatfield - "Universal Heart-Beat"

Annotated highlights of a show best described with the word "wheeee":

Continue reading "The Usual Gang of Idiots." »

May 23, 2006

Snobs vs. Slobs.

"Kneel before Zod." -- Mutant Tall Biker, ruining Tom's Mother's Day meal
"I’m giving you $2.75 for you to fill a mug!" -- Tom, baffled that Evan isn't giving him a free drink
"Count your parents' money, Richie Rich." -- BoboKick, bringing it to Shael
"That’s the problem with open phone Tuesday -- it’s open." -- Tom, after a second helping of Loomis
"I’ll have the steak au poivre, please." -- Orson Welles, circa 1975
"You don’t have too many ideas tonight, do you?" -- Seth, boldly questioning Tom's movie building skills
"There’s very little threshing done in modern Hong Kong." -- Josh, taking a break from promoting his travel book to drop a little tidbit
"DJs are human, too." -- Tom, taking a stand against stalkers
"You play basketball?" – Paycheck’s high school classmates
"Come on, nerds. Give me a break. There’s only so much of The Kid to go around." -- Tom, grappling with high school fame
"Oh, Dirt Boy. It's called dignity, find some." -- Tom on Lodi's finest

[TBSOWFMU - 5/16/06 / Podmirth [subscribers = 17; still in "serious jeopardy"] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

Keene Brothers - "Heaven's Gate"

( Click here to buy Blues And Boogie Shoes) [Douchefork gives the album a 6.3 in one of their tossed-off reviews that reads like something out of The Patriot Press.]

El Madmo - "Carlo"

( Click here for more information on El Madmo)

Sonic Youth - "Eyeliner"

( Click here to buy the "Helen Lundeburg"/"Eyeliner" 7") [Fork likes this one.]

Saturday Looks Good To Me - "The Girl's Distracted (First Version)"

( Click here to buy Sound On Sound)

Jucifer - "Fight Song"

( Click here to buy I Name You Destroyer)

Annotated highlights of the show that roams as free as a valence electron:

Continue reading "Snobs vs. Slobs." »

May 16, 2006

A Hero's Journey.

"Please don't kill me." - Tom, to Best Show superfan Steve in Michigan
"Keep it I-ree." -- I-ron, Newbridge's premiere reggae musician, to Ted and Tom moments before toking up
"Why couldn't that evil hill take me, too." - Corey Dinkins from his hospital room in Kathmandu
"Shut your cracker pie-hole." -- Buddy Guy to Art Alexakis
"The Big Man can't climb no more." -- Clarence Clemons, crazy from the altitude
“It all looked so good on paper, don’t you think?” -- Corey, in a moment of reflection
"I punched Dave Matthews.” -- Philly Boy Roy on what he did at the Spectrum after being egged on by his son, Roy, Jr.
"Maybe in my dreams." -- MC Steinberg on his prospects for kissing a girl this summer
"Why am I talking sports with you?!" - Tom after reviewing the NBA playoffs with Larry

[TBSOWFMU - 5/9/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Tom's up to 13 listeners (later amended to 12 because Sean in Burbank is doing some work/home double-dipping), and instructs Mike the Associate Producer to pull the blue wire marked "Podcast". Tom thinks it's a disgrace that a top-shelf podcast is not getting the proper response. Its days are numbered.

Reigning Sound - "Find Me Now" (from Home For Orphans)
Reigning Sound - "Since When" (from Break Up ... Break Down)
Reigning Sound - "If You Can't Give Me Everything" (from Too Much Guitar)

( Click here to buy Reigning Sound recordings)

Hunchback - "The Ballad of Lon Chaney" (Ode to the Vice-President)

( Click here to buy Ugly On The Outside)

Major Stars - "Cinnamon and Lightning"

( Click here to buy Syntoptikon)

Bonus track for "Pigasus", who apparently learned nothing from the Death Cab For Cutie crack-up a few weeks ago. Trust The Kid's ears!:

Gnarls Barkley - "Smiley Faces"

( Click here to buy St. Elsewhere)

Annotated highlights of the first installment of the NEW ERA of The Best Show:

Continue reading "A Hero's Journey." »

May 9, 2006

The Story Of Everest.

"I get it! The ThemeWeavers have friends." -- Tom on Bay Area, theme song electioneering
"You'll get nothing, and like it." -- Judge Elihu Smails, in Caddyshack
"In the 18 years I've been doing this show, there's never been a home for braggarts." -- Tom to the mother of a Jewish teen who flaunted his bar mitzvah cash haul (not really)
"I hope these guys get expelled." -- Tom on the two Ithaca chowderheads who boldly bit his stylee
“I want Sky Stalker to have the very best.” -- Corey Harris Dinkins on his parenting approach for his three-year-old son
"No one knows us like Rupert does, at least that’s what he says." -- Corey on the return of Mother 13's manager
“I can’t wait to get up that hill.” -- Corey, underestimating the scope of the venue for his next gig
"You will leave people smiling every week." -- Mike the Associate Producer, justifying his promotion by praising the County Mounty outro

[TBSOWFMU - 5/2/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Tom says "whoop-dee-doo" to the subscriber count jumping from three to 11 since last week. He's embarrassed, and if the number does not go through the ruff soon, he will pull it.

Mission of Burma - "Spider's Web"

( Click here to pre-order The Obliterati)

Calexico - "Letter To Bowie Knife"

( Click here to buy Garden Ruin)

The Little Killers - "Don't Leave Me"

( Click here to buy A Real Good One)

Tommy Keene - "Alta Loma"

( Click here to buy Crashing the Ether)

Jesu - "Dead Eyes"

( Click here to buy Silver)

Congrats to Tom for being named to VH-1's "Hot On The Radio" list!!! Here's the Top 10:

1. Marky Ramone
2. Greg from The Shark Tank (Go Steeluhs!)
3. Rick Valentin & Rose Marshack
4. Eddie Trunk
5. Alice Cooper
6. Tom Scharpling
7. Jim Rome, 'Mats enthusiast
8. Zoe Rogers
9. Hugh Hamilton
10. DJ Varo from 106 VIC's Cool Runnings

Annotated highlights of this unique specialty show with its own personality -- still going strong after nearly two decades:

Continue reading "The Story Of Everest." »

May 2, 2006

Porcupine Pie.

"How much do you believe in your cause?" -- Tom, challenging the elderly Bob Grant to a bare-knuckled fist fight for political dominance
“The live version of 'Porcupine Pie' is the most important and innovative heavy metal song of the 1970s.” -- Chuck Eddy via e-mail
“The DVDs are selling like hotcakes.” -- Todd Hutchins on LifeChanges' Tornado Todd’s Soriority Skank Patrol series
"You’re sick." -- Todd, assessing Tom from supposed video footage he has of him
"We kind of fudged the boundaries of reality and fontasy in this thing." -- Todd, on the world of Pimp City
"Fred Savage paid the price and so will you." -- Todd on Tom's grisly fate
“John Wilkes Boothe? He’s good?” -- Tom on the seemingly incongruant name check in “Done Too Soon”
"If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch!" -- Sage advice from a tough t-shirt
“You don’t come around here pushing Peter Tork under the bus. Not on my watch.” -- Tom, sticking up for his favorite Monkee
"It just always feels right and then it always feels wrong." -- Scag Winesack on his eight trips to the altar
"Then there should be more pork chops in the lyrics." -- Cindy Winesack-Goldfarb on an oversight in "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)", a song about the fontasy lives of Rupert Holmes and his portly wife

[TBSOWFMU - 4/25/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

Scratchy Record has an ear for impressions, but one thing Scratchy Record doesn't have an ear for is noisy, Midwestern guitar units. And to that I say heave ho, five in a row:

Eleventh Dream Day - "The Lure" (from Zeroes and Ones -- dumb dunce jerks; good guys)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Way Too Early On A Sunday Morning" (from Stalled Parade)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Makin' Like A Rug" (from El Moodio)
Eleventh Dream Day - "I Could Be Lost" (from Live To Tell)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Sweet Smell (from Prairie School Freakout)

Bonus track: Tom's Uncle Bill - "Gonna Fly Now" (Theme from Rocky)

Pop open a nice cold sodey (preferably a fancy Lime Rickey or Black Cherry varietal instead of some weirdo swill like Diet Coke), grab a bowl of chicken ripple ice cream, and dig into some annotated highlights of the Hot April Night:

Continue reading "Porcupine Pie." »

April 25, 2006

Squaring Off in the Nonagon.

"You're gone, son." -- Tom, reaffirming Spike's banishment
"It was so awesome, I went to Cancun!" -- Denny Blaze on his lone vacation
"But I don't see no teepees here -- those Indians are gone." -- MC Steinberg in "Payotay"
"He's a pretty good punk." -- Petey on Pete Seeger
"The blinding, white-hot future of music as a whole." -- Anonymous on Gretchen Wilson and her nu-country ilk
"Keep that mustached trimmed." -- Tom to the star of The Birds And The Bees
"I apologize to me for saying that." -- Tom, after saying that Mike was "screening like the wind"
"Lon Chaney is going to go down as one of the most misunderstood politicians of our century." -- Keith Garfinkle on the Vice-President
"When you control the mail, you control ... information." -- Rogue mail carrier Newman to Jerry Seinfeld
"It's a competitive sport, you munch." -- Keith, informing Tom about the NESFL

[TBSOWFMU - 4/18/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*The podcast remains a flop -- two more people signed up, but one of them unsubscribed leaving three, lowly TBS podders. Absent an influx of subscribers, Tom will pull it. Perhaps the pleas are working as Tom picked up one more last week to bring the total to four. Tell your friends. Don't let Tom get crushed by a chowderhead.

Eleventh Dream Day - "Between Here And There"

( Click here to buy Beet)

Smoosh - "Find A Way"

( Click here to pre-order Free To Stay)

Centro-Matic - "Monument Sails"

( Click here to buy Fort Recovery)

Mogwai - "Friend Of The Night"

( Click here to buy Mr. Beast)

Tilly and the Wall - "Black And Blue"

( Click here to pre-order Bottoms of Barrels)

Bonus Track for Mike the Courageous Call Screener:

Drive-By Truckers - "Like A Rolling Stone" (cover of the Bob Dylban punk classic)

Brief bit of self-promotion: My band -- The Banana Show -- is having a beer cozy release party in the back room at Pianos on Saturday, April 29th. We won't be playing any music (still trying to secure management), but I'll likely do a brief spoken-word set. Time Out New York once called me "the unholy love child of Henry Rollins and Maggie Estep". I've lined up Chelsea Peretti and Craig Wedren as openers. See you at the merch table!

Time to get blazed with some annotated highlights from an average, white, middle-class recapper who's just trying to express himself (the text is a bit rough because I was just writing it for myself):

Continue reading "Squaring Off in the Nonagon." »

April 18, 2006

Toilet Talk.

"You're gonna have to taste my wrath soon." -- Zeph Marshack, threatening Jeff Feuerzeig for being unreceptive to his documentary film ideas
"Game. Set. Match." -- Jeff Feuerzeig on being defeated by Buffalo '66
"Freddie, not that far off." -- Andrew from the Danielson Family on Tom almost getting his name right.
"Am I dreamin'?" -- Philly Boy Roy, wondering if he had heard himself on the radio
"I bite no one’s style!" -- Tom, when accused of lifting playlists
"The kids didn't have the pipes." -- Bryce Prefontaine on the contestants during American Idol's Queen night

[TBSOWFMU - 4/11/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Only two subscribers as of 4/11/06. Radio Zero has 5! Enlist in the Podcast Army. Tell a friend about the fun. Boom, boom, zip.

Birdmonster - "Skeleton Suit"

( Click here to buy No Midnight)

Eagles of Death Metal - "Don't Speak (I Came To Make a Bang)"

( Click here to get sentenced to Death By Sexy)

Boris - "(weird Japanese writing aka Track 7)" [Wata!]

( Click here to pre-order Pink)

Quasi - "Alice the Goon"

( Click here to buy When The Going Gets Dark)

Grandaddy - "Rear View Mirror"

( Click here to pre-order Just Like The Fambly Cat)

Finally, Giant told me to post this:

Lair of the Minotaur"Metal Juggernaut"

( Click here to pre-order The Ultimate Destroyer)

Note to Tom: last Thursday, I heard Acapulco Rodriguez giving out the exclusive Best Show number that sets you back $50/week. I tried calling to issue a cease-and-desist order, but could not get through.

Annotated highlights of the last of the steam-powered radio programes:

Continue reading "Toilet Talk." »

April 11, 2006

The Twindling.

"Chit chat chit chat all over the Internet." -- Classic schoolyard taunt
"Corn has never looked so sexy." -- Tom Scharpling on the maize maidens from Hee Haw
"If this game was a casino, you'd be doing a dance right now cause the little sireen would be going off over your slot machine." -- Tom to a man who's seen Hot Tuna live four times
"Are the guys from Part Chimp ashamed of how hard they rock?" -- Tom, so close to the perfect throw
"Say what you will about their music, the guys had nice coats" -- Larry Smirthwaite on Hootie and The Blowfish's outerwear
"Oh, Daddy's back!!!!" -- Larry after drinking some "Mountain Dew"
"Youdoin'rails?" -- Larry, repeatedly inquiring as to whether Tom was snorting cocaine
"I'm young!" -- Tom on the perceptions that his radio voice conjures a much older man

[TBSOWFMU - 4/4/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / (Mostly) Mouthbreather-Free FOT Zone]

Elope - "Dragonstone"
Elope - "Not Even Close"

( Click here to buy 3WD)

Tommy Keene - "Going Out Again"
Tommy Keene - "Turning On Blue"

( Click here to buy Ten Years After)

Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Supernatural Car Lover" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06) [from the forthcoming Normal Happiness]
Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Fair Touching" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06)

[Go here to download tracks from three forthcoming Fading Captain releases: Keene Brothers, The Takeovers, and Psycho and the Birds. And go here to follow the progress of Phil Szostak's Pop Zeus -- a comic book tribute to GBV.]

Annotated highlights of the top-notch,top-tier, top-shelf, terrifically taut, tentpole show, ably hosted by Tom's twin brother, Donald Scharpling:

Continue reading "The Twindling." »

April 4, 2006

Crawlspaces & Cheesesteaks.


"The man in the bicycle shop?!" -- Phillip Drummond, shocked to find out the truth about Mr. Horton on Diff'rent Strokes
"Where are your tall bike heroes now?" -- Tom Scharpling, proud 53-year-old, to tall bike apologist, Purple Shirt
"He buried Orson Welles that day." -- Jeff Feuerzeig on Daniel Johnston's 1990 WFMU broadcast
"My eyes see what they see." -- Philly Boy Roy on The Sopranos
"Thou Ain’t Lived Till Thou Did Rails With The Hooters." -- Philly Boy Roy, quoting Biblical scripture

[TBSOWFMU - 3/28/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / (Mostly) Mouthbreather-Free FOT Zone]

Daniel Johnston - "Museum Of Love" (from Yip/Jump Music)
Daniel Johnston - "Walking The Cow" (from Continued Story/Hi, How Are You)
Daniel Johnston - "Living Life" (from Songs Of Pain: The Early Recordings Vol. 1)
Daniel Johnston - "Monkey In A Zoo" (from Songs Of Pain: The Early Recordings Vol. 1)
Daniel Johnston - "True Love Will Find You In The End" (from 1990)

( Click here to buy DJ records)

Or, if you prefer, you can head to the last remaining Crazy Eddie outpost on Route 22 just outside of Middlebridge -- it's now mainly an adult novelty warehouse (some insane specials right now; I highly recommend "The Dillenger" in mahogany), but there's still a small selection of CASSettes and vinyl. Go there NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annotated highlights of the action-packed excitement (this recap is dedicated to Jillian Barberie):

Continue reading "Crawlspaces & Cheesesteaks." »

March 21, 2006

Something flip-floppy this way comes.

"Let's make this dude look more like a dude." -- Mike Jeffries, Abercrombie & Fitch CEO
"Take your scissors and go back to Colorado." -- Tom on pot-smoking Republicans Matt Stone and Trey Parker
"He's one sticky dungeon door away from asphyxiation." -- Tom on the absent Spike
"America will fall in love with Belty." -- Trent L. Strauss, extreme filmmaker
"That's not a drug, that's a key to opening your mind." -- MC Steinberg on the wonder of payotay

[TBSOWFMU - 3/14/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / (Mostly) Mouthbreather-Free FOT Zone]

Here's some rock music to help ease back into the first post-marathon recapsulation:

Guided By Voices - "Quality of Armor" ( Click here to buy THE. BEST. ALBUM. EVER.**)

[**My uncle, Don Thrasher, played on this record. I'm really proud of his work on it. Last Christmas, he gave me his copy of Propeller #193, which I proudly display on a shelf in my office cubicle next to my daily tear-off "Bushisms" calendar, a Gonzo Pez dispenser, and an acrylic paperweight congratulating me for all the hard work I did on that one thing. In a pinch, I could probably get a few hundred bucks for it on eBay. Then again, if I ever desired to part with it, I think I know someone in the market for one. Here's a pic of me and Uncle Don.]

The Rogers Sisters - "The Light" ( Click here to buy The Invisible Deck)

Part Chimp - "Bring Back The Sound" ( Click here to buy I Am Come)

Swearing At Motorists - "Flying Pizza" & "Inadvertent Christmas Song" ( Click here to buy Number Seven Uptown)

The Cuts - "Next To Nothing" ( Click here to buy From Here On Out ...)

[I also echo Tom's thumbs up to the Higgins track and have since ordered the Dear Higgins long-player. For Gordon and any others keeping track, please add the Maggadee record label to Tom's payola list.]

While the two-week marathon is ova, El Goodo's three co-hosting gigs (not to mention bringing a hot slab of Meatloaf) gave him a case of the shakes and the 800-989-9368 digits have been haunting his dreams. In fact, Tom fell back into fundraising mode by thanking Bill in Ridgewood for a $100 pledge. Despite Scratchy Record's failure to even muster a $10 pledge (for shame!), the WFMU Marathon was a rousing success, exceeding the $850,000 goal by $14,060. Tom was not stunned by the robust FOT financial support for The Best Show -- it's a tentpole show and the marathon proved it. The tent can now stand proud and mightily for the next 50 weeks.

Tom offered a great analogy for the high-end nature of the show and its listernership: You walk into a liquor store and eye a bottle covered with dust on one of the top shelves. It's not Michelob. It's a funny-looking bottle. It contains Best Show elixir. You ask the store's proprietor how much it costs. "It's very expensive, I don't think you can afford it with your flip-flops and freebie t-shirt you got at the Salem Cigarettes-SnackWell's Creme Sandwiches-Vonage Fun Rally in Southbridge last summer," he retorts. But then you counter: "Oh, well excuse me, perhaps you didn't know that I have one of these", and then you whip out your black AMEX that only the richest of the rich have. The owner doubts that it's a valid card, but you know it is, so you request a price check. He wheels that shelf ladder thing over to your desired bottle, climbs up to retrieve it, and turns around to see you robbing the register. Why did you do that? Because it's that kind of show -- hoodwinking the doubters and basking in the afterglow of another year of music, mirth, and mayhem.

Annotated highlights of the transitional show:

Continue reading "Something flip-floppy this way comes." »

March 8, 2006


You Ain't No Picasso is in the process of posting the tracks from last night's WFMU pledges-for-covers extravaganza starring the rock group Yo La Tengo.

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 1)

The Batman Theme
The Grateful Dead - "Bertha"
The Fall - "City Hobgoblins" (substitute for "Hey Jude")
Rolling Stones - "Under Assistant West Coast Promo Man"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 2)

John Lennon - "Instant Karma"
Captain Beefheart - "Zig Zag Wanderer"
Thunderclap Newman - "Something in the Air"
Sonny Bono - "Laugh at Me"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 3)

Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers - "Egyptian Reggae"
Bay City Rollers - "Rock and Roll Love Letter"
Records - "Starry Eyes"
The Byrds - "You Dont Miss Your Water"
Bob Dylan - "Girl of the North Country"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 4)

The Rolling Stones - "Dead Flowers"
The Violent Femmes - "Blister in the Sun"
Bob Dylan - "Lay Lady Lay"
Stiff Little Fingers - "Suspect Device"
The Ramones - " I Can’t Make It on Time"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 5)

Devo - "Gut Feeling"
The Bee Gees - "Holiday"
Leonard Cohen - "Suzanne"
Neil Young - "Dont Cry No Tears"
The Clash (orig. Sonny Curtis) - "I Fought the Law"
Elvis Costello - "What’s So Funny ’bout Peace Love and Understanding"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 6)

Happy Birthday
Bad Brains - "Pay to C*m"
Steely Dan -" Do It Again"
The Zombies - "You Make Me Feel So Good"
Pere Ubu - "Heart of Darkness"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 7)

The Replacements - "Alex Chilton"
John Cougar Mellencamp - "Jack and Diane"
Beach Boys - "California Girls"
T. Valentine - "Hello Lucille, Are You a Lesbian?"
Roxy Music - "Re-Make/Re-Model"

Yo La Tengo - Covers By Request on WFMU (Set 8 )

The Clash - "Should I Stay or Should I Go"
Superchunk - "Slack Motherf***er"
Warren Zevon - "Werewolves of London" / Lou Reed - "Caroline Says II" / Talking Heads - "Take Me to the River" / David Bowie - "Life on Mars" / Madonna - "Like a Virgin" / Hall & Oates - "Kiss on My List" / Robyn Hitchcock - "Brendas Iron Sledge"/ Rolling Stones - "Sympathy For the Devil" / Billy Joel - "Uptown Girl" / Kinks - "Get Back in Line"

No luck on Flux's initiative for a Three Six Mafia cover.

Worst-of-the-Best 1996-2003 comp:


March 6, 2006

Marathon Man.

"What is it with you and the orange crate?" -- Spike on Tom's obsession with his eccentric furniture
"If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all have a helluva Christmas!" - Tom on Spike's infuriating indeciseveness
"I got a lot of stuff that you don't not got."-- Marky Ramone, negating himself
"When did you start using chords?" -- Tom on Petey's pop gem

[TBSOWFMU - 2/28/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]


Imagine a circus tent in the middle of a field. The tent's exterior is painted with 4 letters: WFMU. But, sadly, this tent lacks a tentpole. Nobody (except maybe Timmy von Trimble) can get inside to watch the show -- it's just a big blob of canvas being thrashed by elephants. Displaced DJs mingling around outside with disgruntled carnies and depressed clowns. But wait. Guess who's coming to save the day? It's El Goodo! He's got a tentpole -- no, he is the tentpole -- and he raising the tent. People rush in. No tentpole, no tent. No tent, no mirth, music, and mayhem. If you dig walking into tents and partaking of the magic factory inside, then CLICK MAHKY'S HEAD AND PLEDGE! If you don't, Tom will be a sad little prince.

A Kid eBay-approved Two for Monday:

The Lyres - "Don't Give It Up Now"
The Lyres - "Help You Ann"

( Click here to buy On Fyre from Insound.)

Annotated highlights of the bright light at the end of the dark tunnel known as Tuesday:

Continue reading "Marathon Man." »

February 28, 2006

The Kid Stays In The Picture.

"I am so relieved to hear your voice." -- Tom on the return of his buddy.
"I'm going to sell your family to the quarry."-- Craig Cooper on dealing Scharplings.
"Yeahgirl!" -- Angie, starring in her own episode of Montclair 07042.

[TBSOWFMU - 2/21/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]

**Donate tonight during The Best Show and get The Good Guys Win and The Bad Guys Die in 2006 Fun Kit!**


Speaking of cash, I owe Recidivism's own x amount $50 for a Bands on the Run bet I lost. Thanks a lot, Harlow! I was counting on a bit less Harlotting and a lot more merch moving. Anyway, I'm finally ready to pay up, and I think it's appropriate to do so with $85 worth of rock 'n roll music. Keep the change, x.

[Future game idea: Build A Bands on the Run 2. I'll start it off: Ponce De Leon, Von Scharpling, Smoosh, The Oscar Ryan Band, and Josh Dodes -- dude deserves another shot!]

Flickerstick - "Chloroform (The One You Love)" [Live]
Portastatic - "The Soft Rewind"
The Hold Steady - "Banging Camp"
Mr. Robert Pollard - "Maggie Turns To Flies"
The National - "Mr. November"

Bonus track for accrued interest: The Little Killers - "Jenna Lee"

So anyway, hello America! El Goodo's back and he's charmingly referring to himself in the third person, which means it's time for a little .... Hey! Ho! Annotated highlights of The Best Show:

Continue reading "The Kid Stays In The Picture." »

February 20, 2006

Peanut Butter In Your Paradigm.

"You apologizing is the first step in admitting that there's a problem, that there's an angry little Tommy inside you." -- Rick Valentin to Tom
"I hope you don't get what you want." -- Tom to Akiva Smirnoff
"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky." -- Kelly Clarkson

[T(*)SOWFMU - 2/14/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]

*Pending earning it back on 2/21/06.

Hey, Petey ... do you know about a band called "Belle and Sebastian"?

Belle and Sebastian - "Sukie in the Graveyard" ( Click here to buy The Life Pursuit from Insound.)
Belle and Sebastian - "Lazy Line Painter Jane" ( Click here to buy Push Barman To Open Old Wounds from Insound.)

Annotatt hIghlites@4 8 15 16 23 42 <<<=========>>> startswithpandrhymeswithcrayola 180%peanutccchhewssllladywainsworthsGompfestDDD getoffmyddanielbugsapanxxxxxxxx...dedededededah freedomriderfreethemwm3peeeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeeeeeeeeeeemaaaaaaaaaaaaahky



Continue reading "Peanut Butter In Your Paradigm." »

February 14, 2006

Proud Moments.

"I never cranked Grandpa." -- Spike on Al Lewis (RIP)
"I hurt and I click." -- Tom Scharpling on his jaw
"It involves nudity. And gunplay." -- Troy Renfro on his criminal record

[TBSOWFMU - 2/7/06 / Podmirth / Theme Ditties .mp3'd.]

Happy (belated) Birthday to Mr. Tom Scharpling!
You give birth to smiles, sir!

Annotated highlights of the love, laughter, and truth:

- After spinning "Cherry Cola", the homicidally sexy new Eagles of Death Metal track, Tom notes that his elixir of choice en route to the station was a digusting diet vanilla black cherry Pepsi. This made Tom nostalgic for the "suicide sodas" of youth, the ill-advised concoctions of Coke, Sierra Mist, Powerade, and Diet Dr. Pepper that are a constant bane to the guy at the soda store. (Choice Tom sound effect: the kirsh-y fountain dispensing noise.) It's time for the soda men to fully embrace the new generation of soda lovers!

Continue reading "Proud Moments." »

February 7, 2006

Knights in Shinin' Ahma.

"As long as someone's getting decapitated, I'm a happy camper." -- Spike
"See you in my dreams, I hope you don't get iced!" -- Bryce
"That ain't not no funny to no one else neither" -- Marky Ramone, taking Tom to school with Erasmus High's quintuple negative motto

[TBSOWFMU - 1/31/06 / Podcast / Theme Songs .MP3'd.]

Towards the end of this show, there was some chatter about members of the rock group Poster Children doing some Tom trashing (he was there) on a recent podcast. Turned out to be a bit of a false alarm.

Here's a Two for Tuesday featuring tracks from Poster Children's 1995 album Junior Citizen. The second track is an ode to this guy.

Poster Children - "Junior Citizen"
Poster Children - "He's My Star"

Before getting to the recap proper, here's a song dedicated to George W. Bush -- Spike's shift supervisor and the coolest President ever!

Black Sabbath - "Supernaut"

Annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Knights in Shinin' Ahma." »

January 31, 2006

Physician, heal thyself.

       "When there's a will, there's a way." --Stevie Blue

       "I don't got no bad grammar." --Marky Ramone

       "Cuz it really wasn't Tommy that solved all your problems. It was YOU!" --Petey

[TBSOWFMU - 1/24/06] (As Ted Leo said, "the streams are fine", but after much cajolery and harrassment TBSOWFMU is now also available in the increasingly-popular "podcast" format. New pods will drop every Thursday. Tom will podcast your face upon request.)

Tom opened the show with Mr. Robert Pollard's "Love Is Stronger Than Witchcraft" from the HOT new record From A Compound Eye. We must engage with another track:

Robert Pollard - "Conqueror of the Moon" ( Click here to buy it from Merge Greatland.)

(In addition to playing drums in Pollard's touring band, Jon Wurster is the subject of Pooch Boy, Werner Herzog's next documentary film project.)

Annotated highlights:

- Pissed off rock star Stevie Blue edges out mental patient Spike for firsties (starts 23:48) with a strategic idea to boost Best Show ratings and get the universe to unfold: he will deliver Tom's radio colleague and fellow rock star David Lee Roth as a guest in order to create a Rock Star Radio Party complete with hundreds of DLR's video vixens. (Choice Tom quip: "I heard his show is great.") Spike calls and seems intrigued by Stevie's upcoming benefit gig at Spike's current residence -- the Baltic Street Treatment and Resource Center in Brooklyn. This facility also currently houses a post-scandal James Frey, whose band (The Imaginary 3) will open for Stevie Blue with a set of Archers of Loaf covers.

Archers of Loaf - "Audiowhore" ( Click here to buy it from Alias Records.)

Rough plot outline for a potential bonus short (directed by Harmony Korine) for the My Dinner With Petey DVD: Spike fakes a medical emergency in order to lure NYC's finest EMT (flagrantly violating SOP with leopard-print, ass-free spandex, a headdress, and a Flavor Flav-style, diamond-studded stethoscope) into a dithiplinary session that involves (among other things) a barrel of pancake batter, a glazed donut, and a bottle of whatever Spike has on hand. It culminates with a duet of this song.

Continue reading "Physician, heal thyself." »

January 24, 2006

Lady Godiva was a Freedom Fighter.

       "Somehow I doubt you're really all that big in Japan." -Ted Leo

       "I just got served a slice of humble pie." -MC Steinberg

       "I kind of want to pour this Fire sauce packet in my eye." -Kiss Of Octopus

[TBSOWFMU - 8/14/93  1/17/06.]

Annotated highlights of the mirth, music, and mayhem:

-If for some reason you're not already consuming the consistently-glorious opening music set, don't miss the Boris (now NYT-approved) track that Tom spins at the 8:48 mark. The Best Album of 2006 race is not ova! Pink will take out Missile Sunset. You heard it here first.

- And then there's ... Spike (starts at: 25:45), whose call is greeted by his new theme song. Is it just me, or does Spike actually sound a bit like Beatrice Arthur? Maybe it actually is Bea Arthur? First Best Show conspiracy theory of 2006! I'm always initially a bit thrown when Spike calls because he often starts in that Arthurian, grandmotherly tone ("Heeeeelllllooooo, Tom....."), which recalls the voice of my dearly-departed grandmother, so it triggers my mind to expect warm, soothing words of praise and Werther's Original candies and then this guy starts bringing out the Gimp and he's tying people up and whipping them into obedience and I'm all like GET OFF TOM'S PHONE! I'll keep an eye on this Bea Arthur thing. If Betty White or Rue McClanahan start showing up on that Pollard tour to stalk Wurster then I may really be on to something.

Continue reading "Lady Godiva was a Freedom Fighter." »

January 16, 2006

Hustle & Flow.

      "Everybody's all talk and no rhyme." –MC Steinberg

[TBSOWFMU - 1/10/06.]
These Best Show recaps tend to focus on the banter and the comedy, but one certainly does not want to neglect el Goodo's stellar work as a Disc Jockey (DJ if you're into the whole brevity thing). Most shows have me going to AMG and elsewhere to research several albums/bands that require exploration.

This week's opening set: a track from recent NME cover boys Led Zepp-el-lin (Next Big Thing! Their Myspace page has another track called "Communication Breakdown" if you want to sample some more stuff), Red C's "Pressure's On" (decent ear candy pop), a big-time Two for Tuesday from Japan's (or is it Virginia's?) Boris, which has me fired up for Pink, and a nifty little number called "All Humans Are Garbage" from the DC Snipers' Missile Sunset, which Tom has already anointed the best album of 2006. The race is ova only 10 days into the new year.

Tom's second set later in the show featured The Move's "Blackberry Way" (Left Banke-y feel on this one). I definitely need to check into their Cherry Blossom Clinic. Hard not to love a set that also featured The Bee Gee's "Every Christian Lion-Hearted Man Will Show You" and another track from this highly-intriguing compilation.

Annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Hustle & Flow." »

January 9, 2006

Spit me out from your cosmos.

   "Good guys win in 2006." --el Goodo

   "Let's start '06 off on the right, fully-relaxed, fully-rejuvenated foot." --G. McWilliams

[TBSOWFMU - 1/3/06.]
Tom opens the first Best Show of the new year with a great track from a band called Vampire On TI-TUS. I recommend exploring this band’s catalog – here’s a rock robot to help you navigate the robustitude.

Annotated highlights:

Continue reading "Spit me out from your cosmos." »

December 18, 2005

We Jam Econo.



- - - -

Sing Me Spanish Psych
Get outta my mall
Cinnabon Gimp Zipper Mask (also works as a GBV song title/fake band name)
Pig Champion
A bag of salad
Turkey dinnas
The Starbucks of sandwiches
I don't need music for that
You're a dude and I'm an alpha heterosexual
I don't placate
The Leelee Sobieskis of the world
As Dirty Or As Clean As You Wanna Be
There's no shower in this building
Land of the Rising Sun
It could work for ABBA, it could work for me
Turning Japanese
Open Call
Punching Meat
Say His name with reverence
Ye of little faith
I speak jive
Stray chews
I don't know my handiwork no more
Listeners comma line log onto it
Always Be Closing Cobbling
Wawa wee wah
The Two-Year Itch (aka Adultery
Sleeping in the Ginn shed
Celluloid Heroes
Soft-Boiled Scharpling
Par for the course
eBay Show Dogs
When the Pawn...
One-Color Meals
Held Up at the Jack Shack
The Northside of a Southbound Horse
Repo Man
Icy beats
I hate hate


[TBSOWFMU - 12/13/05.]

Annotated highlights:

- Tom talks to Spike (starts 23:54), an authentic New Yorker who eats (did he really say "eats"?) SubUrbia.

Continue reading "We Jam Econo." »

December 8, 2005

Big Love.

[TBSOWFMU - 12/6/05.]

Annotated Highlights:

So the main topic tonight was determining the Ugliest Band in Rock History (starts at 40:05). Rick from South Westbridge, N.J., called in and offered a supergroup of ugly:

Mick Mars - Guitar
Paul "The Blob" Goddard (Atlanta Rhythmn Section) - Bass
Edgar Winter - Saxophone
Tommy Aldridge (Black Oak Arkansas, Whitesnake, Nuge, etc.) - Drums
Gwen Stefani ("Have you seen pics of her without her makeup?") - Vocals

[Rick also declared last week's Target Greatland (curndles!) SNL sketch to be his favorite sketch ever.]

Continue reading "Big Love." »

December 5, 2005

Beg For A Wheelbarrow.

[TBSOWFMU - 11/29/05.]

This show featured a bunch of funnies: Philly Boy Roy called (starts at 39:22) to weigh in on the dust-up at the Eagles game (among other things), Bryce from Newbridge called (starts at 1:11) to secure a "doobie partner" and surprise Tom with the depth of his musical interests (there's a hilarious Drudge/Groening mix-up in this one, too), there was a wonderfully combative discussion (starts at 1:42) with Mack, a 13-year-old Best Show regular and budding rock enthusiast armed with The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal, who gets a surprise call from Jimmy Crespo, and towards the end of the show, Tom compiled (starts at 2:26) a list of the 10 Unfunniest Funny People.

Continue reading "Beg For A Wheelbarrow." »