Finally: trust me!

*****

"It's the Devil doing this to me. Why are you doing it, Devil? I've served you well. Why would you turn on me in this moment of need?"--Tom, pleading with his Dark Overlord to cease interfering with his programe

"Why didn't you let us do whatever we want?" - Tom, holding a five-year grudge against a country he calls "Freedom" for their post-9/11 behavior

"You are a child, and you should be spanked like a child." - Tom, doling out punishment to a young member of the rock group Wet Rat

"That is not to be toyed with." - Bryce, stressing the seriousness of 666, the number of the beast

"You don't catch me wearing a noose at Orange Julius."-- Bryce, refusing to wear his father's Grateful Dead ties to his new job

"Let's just say I call it a dose." - Bryce, defining the special "additives" he mixes into unsuspecting customers' drinks

"I think you might want to go to rock school, son." - Tom, counseling an FOT Chatter who claims that Billy Preston was a musician, not a famous DJ

"You listen to me, Ingram. Not afraid to go right at you. I went at Bob Grant. GOMP was on the table. I took it. He tried to take it from me. I gave him the 'ol Reo Diner beatdown. Smashed him around the parking lot." - Tom, warning another radio legend about impending violence

"So it's like a 'Who's Who' or, in some cases, a 'Who's That' of exciting contributors." -- Tom, commenting on The Overrated Book's staff, ranging from A-Listers like Patton Oswalt to Chunkleteers like The Gooch

"I think they've contributed a lot to the rock 'n roll londscape over the years. Fulfilled a lot of fontasies." -- KISS superfan "Jerry," defending the bond's legacy

"Oh, geez. Probably like a 13." -- Jerry, rating Kiss outside the parameters of a 1-10 scale

"Let's just say the next time I see you, I will have an axe bass and it will be impounded into your head." -- Jerry, threatening to murder Henry Owings at an upcoming stop on his book burning tour

"I'm really, really, really sick of hearing about them." -- A caller, lamenting the constant chatter from friends, family, and co-workers about bands like Ugly Kid Joe and Let's Active

"Do you live in a 99-cent bin?" -- Tom, wondering if the caller has taken up residence alongside discounted musical detritus

"I took 42 Nada Surf CDs, and I made a pallette and laid some blanketing over it." -- The caller, confirming his makeshift sleeping quarters

"Yeah, you're right, they should kill eight people on every episode. Be like The Shield." -- Tom, firing back at an ultra-violent FX Droog for criticizing The Sopranos' more delicate approach to dramatic storytelling

"Mozart! Is Mozart overrated? No! Pollard's not overrated neither. How dare you." -- Tom, sticking up for the prolific Dayton, OH, songwriter

"Selfish bastard." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, scolding Tom for not letting him drive his parents car to his Little Steven band audition on 9/17/90

"Well don't most people have a couple of martinis after they get their license? I think so." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, arguing that his post-test arrest was the result of a standard celebration

"I made that Hondo speak, and you know it." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, touting his ability to animate his cheap guitar

"Basically creative differences all around." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, assessing his expulsion from three local bands for an inability to pick, play leads, and find a groove with the rest of the musicians

"Yeah, it sounds like they needed someone who was creative." -- Tom, offering an alternate interpretation

"I really don't look anything like him without all the long hair that I kinda put in my face and when I pucker, so I gotta do that." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, noting the keys to his successful circa-1990 Rich Robinson impersonation

"It's very passionate. It's a very erotic pairing." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, describing the nature of his relationship with a Rindy Ross lookalike

"I'm gonna colorform him. He's gonna pass out." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, revealing his plans for subduing a kidnapped Robinson

"I mean, it's not gonna be like gruel or anything. It's gonna be like real ... pretty good stuff, what he's accustomed to. Like, you know, nice poultries and turkeys and stuff, you know, like good quality fish, uh, you know, Holiday sauce. Stuff like that." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, assuring Tom that his island food drops will offer Robinson some good eats

"Oh, I hope I'm attracted to the wife. But even if I'm not, I mean she'll understand that as a rock star I can pretty much do whatever I want and sample whatever goods I want to sample, you know?" -- Keith Schwarzendruber, looking forward to domestic bliss with Mrs. Robinson

"He's got to, we're brothers." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, looking forward to Chris Robinson letting him "sample" his wife, actress Kate Hudson

"I'll just say that when I was down at the Shore I rolled my dune buggy and it screwed up my equilibriderm, so I'm kinda like, you know, kinda freaky." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, plotting his tricky transition into an aloof, full-time member of The Black Crowes

"You're gonna be regretting this when I summon the Sioux warrior spirits on your butt from my guitar." -- Keith Schwarzendruber, threatening Tom for refusing to help him transfer an unconscious Rich Robinson from his car into a speed boat docked at Newbridge Bay

[TBSOWFMU - 6/6/06 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

Love Child - "Church of Satan"

( Click here to buy Okay?)

Accept - "Demon's Night"

( Click here to buy Restless and Wild)

Danzig - "Am I Demon"

( Click here to buy Danzig)

Danzig - "Long Way Back From Hell"

( Click here to buy Danzig II: Lucifuge)

Danzig - "Do You Wear The Mark"

( Click here to buy Danzig III: How the Gods Kill)

Repulsion - "Maggots In Your Coffin"

( Click here to buy Horrified)

Trouble - "The Fall of Lucifer"

( Click here to buy Psalm 9)

The Flaming Lips - "Lucifer Rising"

( Click here to buy The Day They Shot a Hole in the Jesus Egg - The Priest Driven Ambulance Album, Demos and Outtakes)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

I met 9-year-old pizzaiolo Johnny Di Palma last fall during a visit to Antico Pizza Napoletana, and I knew within seconds that he was pretty much the greatest kid ever. He patrolled the kitchen in a white chef coat and red kerchief as his dad, owner Giovanni, and the legendary Enrico Liberato slid masterpieces into 1,000-degree ovens for a 60-second journey to culinary bliss.

At one point Johnny informed me that he had skipped school the previous day so he could zest lemons. Said zest would be used in the filling for their homemade cannolis. I'm not sure if he was serious -- it seems improbable -- but it was delivered completely deadpan. He later showed off his truancy in the form of a selection of top-shelf pastry tubes. When paying he made it very clear to Luca Varuni that these were ON THE HOUSE. Subsequent field reports have Johnny wielding a custom-made lightsaber in the kitchen. I'd expect nothing less.

From this week's Hudson Valley installment of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in which Tony had to cancel most of his scheduled stops (a return to the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park, lunch with Bill Murray at X20 in Yonkers) after losing to the H-Man in an impromptu Fiery Habanero Doritos® eating contest in New Paltz. The H-Man's fraternity brothers carried a sweat-drenched, mouth-bleeding Bourdain into the small cellar of the Bevier-Elting House in the Huguenot Street Historic District. After three days of delirium he was restored to health by an old-timey doctor who made up for his lack of modern medical knowledge by being as nimble as a forest creature.

( Click here to buy Halford III: Winter Songs)