Recidivism Home > The Omar business:
June 30, 2009
June 27, 2009
The Crazies.
Here's my all-time favorite Tom/Spike Abbot & Costello-y exchange (9/5/06):
Spike thought Little Miss Sunshine was a nice, cute movie, and he praised the performance of "the little girl" (Abigail Breslin) and Alan Arkin's work as her grandfather. Tom hasn't seen much of Arkin since M*A*S*H ended its run, so he was glad to see him back on the screen. Spike thinks Tom is confusing Alan Arkin with Alan Aldo from President Baseball. Spike reiterates that Alan Arkin is in the film, but Tom doesn't know who that is. Spike is surprised that Tom doesn't know Arkin from The Russians Are Coming The Russians Are Coming. Tom adds to the confusion by asking Spike if it's Alan Narkin, so Spike spells his last name: A-R-K-I-N. Now Tom gets it -- it's the guy who's in Little Miss Sunshine! Tom agrees that he's very good. Spike points out that in addition to his acting, Arkin was once a member of The Tarriers, who did "Black Denim Trousers & Motorcycle Boots." Tom thinks this is a clothing company, but Spike says it was actually a song. Spike loses Tom with that one, so it's time to move on. Spike liked the cast across the board -- the mother, played by Toni Colette, Greg Kinnear, and the guy from The Office.
Spike: I always forget his name.
Tom: Ricky Gervais.
Spike: No, the American version of it.
Tom: Oh, okay, yeah, that guy is ...
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, that guy.
Tom: Yeah, Stephen Colbert.
Spike: No. His name is Steve, but that's not his last name.
Tom: Steve ...
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but you know who I mean.
Tom: Ah, Steve Richards.
Spike: No.
Tom: No?
Spike: Carol? Carell?
Tom: Caroll Stevens?
Spike: No, not Cat Stevens.
Tom: I didn't say Cat Stevens. I said Carroll Stevens.
Spike: Well, I never heard of her.
Tom: Him. Like Carroll O'Connor.
Spike: I've heard of Caroll O'Connor, but I never heard of Carroll ...
Tom: He was not in Little Miss Sunshine, Spike. You are mistaken. Carroll O'Connor is in very poor health, and I'm sure could not have done that movie.
Spike: Carroll O'Connor's deceased.
Tom: Wait, hold on. What?
Spike: Carroll O'Connor has been deceased for a number of years now.
Tom: Oh, good heavens. I didn't realize. I send my condolences out to the rest of the O'Connor family.
June 24, 2009
June 21, 2009
The Hard Stuff.
{Yes, you've seen this clip linked to or embedded within 4,815 weblogs, 1,623 green-tinted Twittore feeds, 4 online pamphlets, and 2 JumboTron® televisions, but now is your chance to view it again right here!}
June 17, 2009
June 8, 2009
Definitely something breech-related.
Part 2: Britain loves tits.
Part 3: New Hope For The Deaf-Eared.
Part 4: A wad of loose beer tickets.
Part 5: Soft Whippy.
May 31, 2009
Stay Positive.
CLICK the above image to crack the July 2009 issue of Modern Drummer and read 10 life nuggets from Jon Wurster (Psychotic Norman, The Right Profile, Carneys), everyone's favorite jazz-fillin' funnyman and all-around Good Guy.
Here's a transcript of the exchange I had while purchasing this periodical:
BORDERS CASHIER: You play drums, huh?
OMAR: Indeed I do.*
BORDERS CASHIER: My nephew plays. I think he's in some group.
OMAR: Nachtmystium?
BORDERS CASHIER: Um ... I can't remember the name. They have a Myspace page.
OMAR: Speaking of extreme metal, you heard that Varg Vikernes is out of jail, right?
BORDERS CASHIER: Who's THAT?
OMAR: Oh, you probably know him as Count Grishnackh! Can you believe that Thurston Moore is into this stuff?!
BORDERS CASHIER: Do you have a BORDERS Rewards card?
Omar hands the gentleman his card.
OMAR: Tell your nephew to keep at it so he can become the next Mike Portnoy or Danny Peters! Don't you think Cobain should have stuck with him instead of Foo-Boy?
BORDERS CASHIER: Receipt in the bag?
OMAR: Sure. Just slip it right in there. Do you like The Melvins? Your nephew definitely needs to have an ice bell in his kit.
BORDERS CASHIER: Okay. Have a good one.
OMAR: Thanks, you too. Keep one foot in the gutter and one fist in the gold. That's what Riki Rachtman used to say at the end of Headbanger's Ball.
BORDERS CASHIER: You're a munch.
OMAR: I changed my mind. I want my receipt out of the bag. I am going to hold it aloft as I exit this store.
*This is not true, although I did take a few lessons circa 1983 and attempted to bang along to Men At Work's Cargo and Social D's Mommy's Little Monster on my Remo practice pad.
May 27, 2009
The Year Punk Pop Broke.
[WARNING: Contains filthmouth (one S and a flurry of Fs near the end) and some odd behavior resulting from unbridled sonic giddiness and a seemingly ineffective mix of prescription medications.]
May 25, 2009
May 24, 2009
And a good career.
[Excerpt from Lauren Greenfield's Kids + Money, included in Wholphin No. 8 and also available here.]
This is wicked.
RICK MOODY: How about the footnotes? As I recall it that innovation really first emerged in IJ. Am I remembering properly? That there were none in Girl with Curious Hair? What did you think of them then, and what did they add to the project? They must have increased the level of editorial difficulty significantly ...
MICHAEL PIETSCH [EDITOR]: My recollection about the notes is that I suggested all kind of in retrospect completely lame and shortsighted ways of dealing with them. Make them available in a separate volume for people who really wanted them. Incorporate as many as possible into the text and cut the rest completely. (I know! Heresy!) At first I was having so much trouble keeping just the main body of the story in my head that this extra layer of complexity felt overwhelming. David made it completely clear that the notes were there to stay and that they should be endnotes, not footnotes, so readers could find it easy not to read them if they didn't want to, and so the main body of the text wouldn't look intimidatingly multilevel and complex. I took a freer hand in suggesting cuts to the footnotes than to the body of the story.
Did I already say what we'd agreed early on? That our job together was to subject every section of the book to the brutal question: can the book live without this? Knowing how much this book would demand of readers, and how easy it would be to put it down or never pick it up simply because of its daunting size, we agreed that many passages should come out, no matter how beautiful, funny, brilliant or fascinating they were of themselves, simply because the novel did not absolutely require them. Given that the notes were almost by definition secondary, I invited a lot of them to leave. Of course to David they were not secondary. They were further evidence of the many separate levels of life and thought we're all carrying on at all times. And he insisted that many of them stay that I thought could well have come out.
Every decision was David's. I made suggestions and recommendations and tried to make the reasons for them as clear as possible. But every change was his. He accepted many cuts -- my recollection is around 250 manuscript pages, though in an interview he said he thought it was 400. But he said no to many more. There's a math proof there in one of the footnotes that I said would be understood by only maybe three readers in the world. And he said it was important to him that those three readers saw that the math in the book was real, and that the character actually had the capabilities he said he had. It stayed.
[Excerpt from Sonora Review 55/56, featuring a 100-page tribute to David Foster Wallace, including the uncollected DFW short story, "Solomon Silverfish."]
May 15, 2009
May 13, 2009
May 10, 2009
Matt Foley's Gone to Heaven (and Hell).
May 9, 2009
Fleet Week.
"This is amazing. Nothing is happening in the phone room. It's embarrassing. One dude called, and another guy thought this was a karate studio. Really? Karate studio? This is not a karate studio. It's WFMU!" --SenseiCaptain Tom Scharpling, setting sail into eerily calm waters
"Anyone who knows the Famous Flamer knows that you can't hustle a Famous Flamer at air hockey." -- Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno, suffering no punks in the hotel game room
"They lock the bathrooms at noight!" -- PBR, lamenting the security measures at the Manyunk Public Libary
"I missed Torque. I remember wanting to see Torque one night, and I didn't get to see it 'cause I was here doing my show." -- Tom, noting one of the many cinematic sacrifices he makes for weekly radio broadcasting
"I'm making it a race. I don't want it to be family. I want it to be a vicious competition where people gotta step up or GO HOME." -- Paul F. Tompkins, testing out his Big Dogs/No Fear spec packet to stir up a DJ pledge battle
"If you are a giant, you are afraid of very little." -- Paul F. Tompkins, downplaying concerns about Shaquille O'Neal's open-diner Tweet policy
"Sounded like you were doing a weird Scottish accent like it was a Raisins Rice & Rye commercial." -- Tom, questioning the authenticity of Therese's attempt at a Yardley, PA accent
"So high." -- Paul F. Tompkins, speculating on the condition of Rob in the Netherlands
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" - Listener Darth Vader, displaying rare emotion after not winning the King Khan and the Shrines CD
"This money was originally going to buy Harry Knowles a new wheelchair bib, but now: Best Show." -- Mac in Austin, depriving a local legend of barbecue-free clothing
"It's gotta come from the people. There's no government bailout of WFMU from B. Hussein Obama." -- Paul F. Tompkins, replacing Blob Limbaugh, Esq. as the new face of the Republican Party
"Hey-o!" -- Ted Leo, reacting (ironically) to an overheated Aimee Mann shedding one of her winter layers after her first music set
"Every week is Fleet Week with my new look!" -- Tom, anchoring the SS Best Show for a permanent docking
"It's a little strawberry milk, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter to me the brand. I make no endorsements. You know how I loathe advertising." -- John Hodgman, enjoying an unspecified refreshment with his integrity intact
"Why don't you just step up to the plate and knock out a home run into relationship stadium." -- Paul F. Tompkins, doling out an apt sports metaphor to a Mouse-pledging commitment-phobe
"I can't strictly read. I don't know if that's weird to admit right now, but I can't read as such. But I'm very good at memorizing shapes. And I feel like I've seen a lot of these before." -- Paul F. Tompkins, preparing to grapple with the geometry of the "Wise Up" lyric sheet
"We'll take pledges from racists*." -- Paul F. Tompkins, accepting a donation from Dog the Bounty Hunter*allegedly
"Sounds like Therese is gonna get thrown into the Sarlacc's pit!" -- Tom, fearing for his co-host during a Star Wars trivia takedown
"We're talented! All of us!" -- Tom, praising his steroidal bandmates after a triumphant Eleanor John finale
[TBSOWFMU - 03/10/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
Jawbox - "Jackpot Plus!"
( Click here to buy For Your Own Very Special Scharpling)
Unrest - "When It All Comes Down" (Miaow cover)
( Click here to buy Afternoon Delight - Love Songs from Sub Pop)
Tommy Keene - "A Secret Life of Stories"
( Click here to buy In The Late Brights)
Boston Spaceships - "Heavy Crown"
( Click here to buy Planets Are Blasted)
Millionaire At Midnight - "Drink A Toast"
( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:
May 1, 2009
Perfection.
Stimulus Package.
Brooklyn raconteur and Alexandre Jamieson fanboy Ramsey Ess created an important music video for you to enjoy:
April 28, 2009
Hep Avatar.
April 24, 2009
April 15, 2009
April 11, 2009
April 8, 2009
March 31, 2009
Make Him Drink.
"Now it is time for you to call. It is time for you to do The Right Thing. It's time for you to testify." -- Tom, kicking things off with his classic Volcano Suns-inspired pledge plea
"I will say this, guys: if you want to talk to a G-I-R-L, call 800-989-9368." -- Tom, tempting the male demographic with some ultra-rare female interaction
"We're 35 minutes into the show, and I have raised a total of $3. That's not true. I'm not gonna lie that bad." -- Tom, setting a limit on his financial fibbery
"Wait. I start tellin' a story, the phones stop ringin'. NO STORIES! This show's not fun! NO FUN! NFL. No ... what would the 'L' stand for tonight? NFR! No Fun Radio." -- Tom, aborting his recap of the "More pizza, slave!" call to focus on FUNdraising
"He is the man that many call the murderer of the music industry. He's right there. If you wanna know why your band is dropped from a label or the label is firing 300 people, it's that guy on Phone 7." - Tom, throwing .mp3 blog inventor Matthew Fluxblog under the bus
"Oh, stop. One more round. Of applause. Oh, stop. Stop! Thanks. One more round." -- Philly Boy Roy, reveling in his warm reception
"Who do ya like better: me or Blob?" -- Philly Boy Roy, conducting an impromptu poll in the phone room
"Oh, these doctors nowadays. They can do anything. He's gonna get re-animated. I'm just kiddin' -- he didn't die. He don't wanna play with those guys no more." -- Philly Boy Roy, discussing the not-dead holdout for a reunion of the original lineup of The Hooters
"I think I'm leaking IQ points." -- Tom, detecting intelligence drainage amidst PBR's labored speech
"You just said 'orgy.' Yes, you did. You're dirty. You're in the gutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, (falsely) accusing Tom of lapsing into filthmouth when giving out the address for online pledges
"Who in this room has not run a bar out of their basement? I'm seein' like seven hands." -- Philly Boy Roy, discovering that residential speakeasies are atypical business ventures
"It is, too! Wiki it. Miss Wiki that." -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to confirm the existence of an old-timey comedian named Abbot Norman Costello
"I know there's some Richie Riches out there listening. I know it. These hotshots with their uh ... fancy iPods and their uh ... you know, sushi." -- Tom, soliciting Booster Pledges from his wealthy listeners
"Mike, you could pledge $30,000, and you're not allowed on the Booze Cruise. I'm telling you right now. I think there are maritime laws that prevent you from boarding a ship." -- Tom, citing legal precedent that prohibits his unhinged Associate Producer from circling Manhattan
"Look, I try. That's all I can do. I don't have the God-given talent. I don't. I'm not like Rush Limbaugh. I don't have the talent that a guy like that has. I gotta work for it. I gotta scrap. I'm a scrappa!" -- Tom, clawing his way to excellence in broadcasting
"The dumbest member of CSNY is the one who doesn't pledge." -- Daniel from Lynchburg, VA, settling the months-long debate: four-way tie for last!
"This is that classic marathon moment. Jerry Lewis dreams of moments like this. He can't make these moments happen. That fat blob." -- Tom, outdoing the plump MDA telethoner with a spirited "Tom is The Queen!" chant
"The bottle's burning my hand! What did I put in this?!" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to recall the toxic and probably fetid liquid inside his oversized novelty baby bottle
"All you really need is one copy of Clifford, and you'll be fine." -- Hatch, supporting Brigham from Seattle's decision to cancel his movie delivery service to enable his pledge
"Thank you, Fredericks. I'm sure it's dirty money, but we'll still take it." -- Tom, accepting a questionable pledge from the flashlight operator for the forthcoming run of The United States of Dutch at the abandoned (and haunted) Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre in Jupiter, Florida
"That's the one good thing you do." -- Philly Boy Roy, praising Tom's dead-on impression of Adriana La Cerva admonishing her drug-addled fiancée, Christophuh Moltisanti
"Oh my God. It's like he's a wild animal. It's sick. There's just saliva sprayin' everywhere. He's rabid." -- Philly Boy Roy, providing play-by-play of Tom's antics during The Final Push
"I'M THE KING OF THIS DUMP!" -- Tom, ascending the throne after setting a new WFMU pledge record
"Listen, um, they got the money. I don't know how they did it. He's runnin' some kinda racket here. Don't know what it is. But um ... bring it down anyway! [air horn toot]" -- Philly Boy Roy, ordering "Milt" to demolish the WFMU building
[TBSOWFMU - 03/03/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
The Secrets - "It's Your Heart Tonight"
( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)
The Ettes - "Marathon"
( Click here to buy Look At Life Again)
Wwax - "Like It Or Not"
( Click here to buy Like It Or Not)
Velocity Girl - "Crazy Town"
( Click here to buy The John Peel Sub-Pop Sessions)
Chug - "Money Money Money" (ABBA cover)
( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:
March 16, 2009
Lady Bernadette.
March 14, 2009
March 2, 2009
Slave to the Grind.
"Now hold on a minute. Are you auditioning for Worst Caller of 2009? Is this what this is? No?" -- Tom, asking Spike if he's getting an early jump on the competition
"Hi-ho, Kermit, the, Frog here. One day we'll find / It's The Rainbow Connection / Tom Scharpling, the dreamers, and meeeee. La-de-da-de-dadeda." -- Kermit the Frog (David at Montclair State), serenading the host/air hockey champion
"A night where the celebrities shine, and the mutants are ... somehow at the top of the ladder for one lonely night." -- Tom, noting a rare ascent for the show's basement dwellers
"Hey, Tojo, we left a flaming paper bag on your doorstep! Don't step on it ... unless you want your life enriched!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, describing a classic 1940s Improv Everywhere prank march
"Look, I know this thing is fake. You don't think I can spot a fake thing from a mile away? But all I ask you do to, all I ask, is that you preserve the premise of the fakeness." -- Tom, bidding farewell to the flagrantly inauthentic Tool Academy
"I'm getting that tattooed across my abs this week. Fantastic Cartoon Dude. Like in Old English script." -- Matt Fraction, embracing and inking the title Tom bestowed upon him
"What if I Heave Ho'd Omar during it? That would be a guaranteed winner for next year, but I can't. It's not gonna happen." -- Tom, avoiding a world-collapsing shocker
"Naaah." -- Omar the Scrivener, declining to address the people
"You're gonna have your big FM license. No time for Tom anymore. That's cool. I get it. That's how they roll over in that family, huh? That's how they roll. Too cool for school. Everyone's too cool." -- Tom, jokingly lamenting the H-Man's signal/ego boost
"Unbelievable. Unbelievable! Guy gets an award, he's doesn't even hear it. His computer went down. That's what happens when you steal your Internet! That's what happens when you steal your Internet! Jeepers Creepers." -- Tom, dismissing Spike for tuning out his Best Dismissal
"Next year. Great. Great. So he's gonna come for him, and by that he means he's gonna turn in some horrible calls." -- Tom, bracing himself for Frank from Weehawken's 2009 title run
"Is he fat?" - Julie from Cincinnati, inquiring about the girth of her potential new husband, APMike
"Hey, man, don't worry, like, I'm not as creepy as I pretend. I'm worse." -- Julie from Cincinnati, trying to ease Tom's mind about her trip to Jersey City
"Oh, it's like Christmas morning. That was like Christmas morning. I never timed one better. I don't think I ever timed one of those better than that one." -- Tom, reveling in an Ali-grade rope-a-dope of Greg from Psychedelic Sitting Room
"Somehow you managed to make this your moment. Somehow Steve's moment became Nate's Moment. GET OFF ... HEAVE HO!" -- Tom, orchestrating Nate Hartley's second Best Show turfout
"Lost my focus, Tom? Or found my destiny?" -- APMike, mastering his domain of filth
"You enable these things. You're an enabler! And I mean that in a good way." -- Ted Leo, crediting Tom with an assist on his Moment of Triumph
"I'm going to kill you with that axe bass, and I'm going to chop you up into little pieces, and I will put you in a Kiss urn." - Gene Simmons, kicking it up a notch with his branded merchandise
"It's like a famous person! I'm so giddy. I'm giddy to talk to you!" - Tom, welcoming the legendary John from Charleston back into the fold
"There is no winner for Best Call because I win Worst Host for what I just did to my six friends with those impressions. -- Tom, ending the show from the doghouse
[TBSOWFMU - 02/17/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
Thee Headcoats - "Want Me - Win Me"
( Click here to buy In Tweed We Trust)
Goblin C - "Haint"
( Click here to buy Come With Me If You Want To Live)
Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - "Good"
( Click here to buy Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit)
Heartless Bastards - "Out At Sea"
( Click here to buy The Mountain)
Ludella Black and The Masonics - "I Want Some Answers"
( Click here to buy From This Witness Stand)
Ty Segall - "Pretty Baby (You're So Ugly)"
( Click here to buy Ty Segall)
Zero Boys - "Positive Chance"
( Click here to buy History Of)
Marykate O'Neil - "Different For Girls" (David Jackson cover)
( Click here to buy Underground)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
February 18, 2009
True He Who.
"Prescott. Weston. Kleiler. That's the Volcano Suns." -- Tom, reminding people that the Farced lineup is the Real Deal
"I didn't know that it was magic, pure magic. That it was the ultimate form of communication. I had no idea. Didn't know that." -- Tom, discovering the joys of that thing called Twitter
"You have to pay for those shows. And they're better, sure, but still. Think of what ALF would've been if it was on cable." -- Julie from Cincinnati, imagining the sitcom freed from the shackles of network restrictions like Deadwood and The Sopranos
[More quotes to come.]
"What? I'm very tempted to tell you to spank yourself." - Bernie Taupin, pondering the proper punishment for not knowing about his solo career
"It's basically me reciting poetry over sitars and tablas. Yeah, it's awesome." -- Bernie Taupin, requesting the entire "Child" side from his cutout classic debut
"Ehhhhk. What a hunk of dog fudge that is." - Bernie Taupin, dismissing "Little Jeannie," the c-wrap hit single from Elton John's 21 at 33
"Hey! Bernie! Those songs saved my life! Too bad the music's so awful!" - An excited construction worker, thanking Taupin for preventing his suicide despite Elton John's grating melodies and insipid chord changes
"I don't wanna promote him anymore right now, okay? Okay? Like the old rap song goes, it's Bernie Time!" -- Bernie Taupin, invoking the timeless "U Can't Touch This" to shift the conversation away from Eleanor
"It's funny, the last words I remember saying before I fell onto the notary's children were, 'It's a marathon, honey, not a sprint.'" -- Bernie Taupin, embarking on an epic, 33-year battle to outsell his wildly popular musical partner
"No, Matsuflex is a gifted female banjo player. We might be talkin' about different Matsuflexes!" -- Bernie Taupin, informing Tom that the BTMT member is NOT the guy enrolled in Tool Academy
"I don't know, maybe there was like a crumb on that period, I don't know, when I saw it." -- Bernie Taupin, trying to explain his reference to the dearly departed singer-songwriter "G. Gallin"
"I mean, he's turning me onto a whole world of filth that I never knew existed. Yeah. He truly is my Captain Fantastic. And now I can truly be the Brown [cut off]" -- Bernie Taupin, morphing into full-blown debauchery with the aid of Dr. Dino Sex's mentorship
"I'll be the first to admit I don't have what's called a traditionally great singing voice. And I'm also not a great instrumentalist." -- Bernie Taupin, issuing some disclaimers prior to performing bizarre renditions of Elton classics
"Well, your versions are singular. I will say that for you." --Tom, noting Taupin's unique original vision compared to the beloved extant recordings
"It was pretty big, I thought. He acquitted himself nicely." --Bernie Taupin, praising Kyle Gass for his starring role in Elf
"Pull me closer, Tiny Dancer, because I'm gonna murder you." --Bernie Taupin, threatening Tom with his wretched voice, a drum, and an air horn
[TBSOWFMU - 01/27/09 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
G. Gallin - "Automatic"
( Click here to get the rest of the I Hate You EP)
The Jetsons - "Killing"
( Click here to get the rest of The Jetsons EP)
Vanilla Trainwreck - "The Jugular"
( Click here to buy Sofa Livin' Dreamazine)
Kitchens of Distinction - "The 3rd Time We Opened The Capsule"
( Click here to buy Capsule: The Best of KOD 1988-94)
The Bird and The Bee - "Diamond Dave"
( Click here to buy Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future)
Throwing Muses - "Bea"
( Click here to buy Hunkpapa)
The Get Up Kids - "Shorty"
( Click here to buy Live @ the Granada Theater)
Superchunk - "Tie A Rope To The Back Of The Bus"
( Click here to buy Clambakes Vol. 4: Sur La Bouche - Live in Montreal 1993)
February 15, 2009
February 7, 2009
Punk Tango.
"No? What? No?! Come on! COME ON! Don't you know who I am?" - Tom, yelling at an uncooperative Fredericks soundboard
"It's like, well, if we land on water ... s'uh!" - Sean in Rampbridge, explaining why he typically ignores the in-flight safety speech
"I think I saw him mouth the word 'munch'." -- Sean, catching Flight 1549 Cpt. Sullenberger diss a talkative passenger during the boarding process
"It would appear that I'm some kind of good luck charm, wouldn't it?" - Sean, putting a positive spin on his recent air travel escapades
"And he knocked it outta my hand! And it hit a duck. Yeah. What kinda creep is he?" - Sean, wondering why a triumphant Sully reacted violently to his celebratory air horn face blast
"As Gahndi once said, I'm in heap big trouble." - Sean, quoting The Lone Ranger's assistant to indicate the legal fallout from attracting birds to the plane's engines
"No, you jerk, it's the noise that comes out of the air horn!" - Sean, informing Tom about the sonic tilling of the farmlands in Speed-the-Horn
"Oh, it's fanciful." - Sean, urging Tom to take a second look at the stage production of Grease
"Okay, well, here's what you're gonna hear for the last time from me. Okay? [four air horn toots]. Good. Bye. You. Munch." - Sean, bidding farewell to The Best Show
"Alright. Thanks for the review of the porno thing you watched. I'll talk to you next week." - Tom, offering minor props to Spike for his take on Atlantic City Hookers
"It doesn't sound appealing to me to eat a sandwich that's pretty much the whole McDonald's menu at the same time." -- Healthy MacGuyver Ben Kharak, cleverly bypassing New Brunswick's aptly-named Grease Trucks
"What you'd eat and what's disgusting are two different things." - Tom, noting that Fredericks would gladly root around the raccoon remainders
"Most recent reports have him conscious yet bedridden and flagrantly incoherent." - Tom, updating Newbridge on the Iggles-induced hospitalization of Mayor-elect RTZPR"PBR"Z
"You don't think I know I'm doin' a good job? This is the best thing anyone can ever hear in any form of anything ever. What I'm doing right now." - Tom, Heave-Ho-ing ManiacFOT for stating the obvious
"Aw, the second Obama got inaugurated the Dow Jones went down 300 points. The stock mahket went DOWN. SEE?!" - DJ Terre T, repeating some sharp political insights from her conservative workplace
"Where do you work, by the way? A cab dispatch?" - Tom, noticing a pattern to DJTT's cast of New Yawky characters
"It wasn't that gooduva speech anyway!" -- Alvaro's AAA driver, raining on his Obama inaugural parade
"What punk band did he join? A band other than The Police?" - Tom, questioning the revisionist history of guitarist Andy Summers
"That almost had poetry in it!" - Fredericks, digging the dirty Elizabethan blues of Stink & Costello
"I don't know if you noticed it, but I left the room at one point. I had to go scream into Ricky's bed." - Mitch Wilkins, apologizing for his 7-year-old son's poor The Little Bluebird reading
"One was fresh, beautiful, full of nourishing lycopenes. The other: cold, undercooked, some would say fetid." - Mitch Wilkins, recalling two disparate options on the fateful Slice Day '96
"A security boy. They won't even make me a security man for another six months." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting his lowly standing in the Newbridge Commons force
"I mean, Hollywood may always nail what it's like to be in a band, but they sure don't know anything about being a mall cop." - Mitch Wilkins, detecting rampant falsehoods in the trailer for Paul Blart: Mall Cop
"Almost like what you'd think the big dude from Adam and the Ants would smell like after a full day's practice with the 1981 New Orleans Saints. Just horrible." - Mitch Wilkins, describing the foul interior of Tom's car
"Why do you wrap them back up in little bits from an old Flock of Seagulls poster?" -- Mitch Wilkins, trying to understand Tom's peculiar method of saving 5,000 partially-eaten Tootsie Pops
"I'm surprised people don't dump garbage on my lawn, or on my children, or me." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting a disgusting existence caused by his Master's bad mojo spell
"You ruined my life. You ruined my life, you gross ape. You ruined my life you gross ape that stinks." - Mitch Wilkins, translating his exchange with an anti-Tom air horn
[TBSOWFMU - 01/20/09 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
Ace Frehley - "What's On Your Mind?"
( Click here to buy Ace Frehley)
Swervedriver - "Planes Over The Skyline"
( Click here to buy the Mezcal Head reissue)
The Marked Men - "Head Set"
( Click here to buy Ghosts)
Unrest - "Oils"
( Click here to buy Malcolm X Park)
Moving Targets - "The Other Side"
( Click here to buy Brave Noise/Burning In Water)
New Radiant Storm King - "Phonecall"
( Click here to buy Rival Time)
Scrawl - "Gutterball"
( Click here to buy Plus, Also, Too from eMusic)
The 6ths (ft. Mary Timony) - "All Dressed Up In Dreams"
( Click here to buy Wasps' Nest)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 26, 2009
January 24, 2009
Bun Fun.
"I don't know this stuff. My sphere of knowledge? $5 footlongs at Subway. That's the stuff I know. Where to get cheap gas." -- The streetsmart Tom Scharpling, explaining his inability to translate the Brit-tish name of Graham Day's backing band
"We're caught in a trap/We can't get out/Because I liiiiike you too much, baby." -- Tom, singing about his dysfunctional relationship with the rut-plagued Spike
"Why, Mike's a drug addict, too?" -- Petey, wondering why Tom wants to stage a joint intervention
"You know what, I apologize. I thought I was gonna hear some heap of garbage that you put together in 15 minutes on your $400 Dell." -- Tom, retracting his advance negative review of Fredericks's top-notch "Judo Chop" remix
"They'll think it's a planet of Emilio Estevi. 'Cause that's the plural of Estevez, right? Estevi?" -- Tom, stating one of the many perils of screening Repo Man for alien audiences
"But you know, as dirty as it gets, in other cultures, that water is considered Holy Water." -- Barry, revealing the hot dog liquid's sacramental standing in various world religions
"Yeah, so it's like classical music without Bev Bevan. Yeah. I dropped a little ELO science on your bottom." -- Barry, describing the drum-free sounds that greet his high-end clientele
"I don't think you do. I mean, maybe back in your homeland of the Soviet Union you need one, but here we have something called freedom." -- Barry, informing his comrade that he doesn't need a liquor license to serve red wine
"It's kind of like a cross between a hot dog and a real healthy banana split." -- Barry, promoting his new line of eccentric "veggie dogs"
"What?! No! He's a politician. One of our best!" -- Barry, denying that frequent customer David Duke is a "hatemonger"
"I'm sorry, what was that? It sounds like you dropped your phone." -- Tom, struggling to comprehend the clickety-click name of the greatest supergroup that has ever converged together
"It looks great on paper, but in reality it actually sounds like a herd of goats eating a rubber raft." -- Barry on the harsh, masticating sounds of MickNick PickMickNick's democratic racket
"Why are you grilling me? I don't like this. I'm the one that does the grilling!" -- Barry, unleashing another hot dog joke to thwart Tom's GNR inquisition
"He keeps the wheels super-oiled, so it doesn't make that much noise unless it topples over and spills horrendously dirty water everywhere." -- Barry, noting his protagnasist detective's precautions when peeking into boudoirs with his cart in tow
"Well, it's very tasteful. Even the XXX footage, which I have to say is both tasteful and spanktastic." -- Barry, touting the classy eroticism of his stealth documentary
"I'm gonna encase you in something. Paul's skin. I'm getting both of you guys. Yeah. Look out." -- Barry, delivering a delayed threat to turn Tom into the world's largest and dumbest hot dog
[More quotes to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 01/13/08 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
Graham Day and The Gaolers - "Begging You"
( Click here to buy Triple Distilled)
Brutal Knights - "Support Me"
( Click here to buy Living By Yourself)
The Heartaches - "Teenage Hypochondriac"
( Click here to buy Too Cool For School)
The Lids - "Start The Party"
( Click here to buy The Lids)
The Fastbacks - "Time & Matter" (U.K. Submarines cover)
( Click here to buy Home Alive - The Art of Self Defense)
The Golden Boys - "Mine Like A Diamond"
( Click here to buy Goodbye Country)
Robert Pollard - "By Silence Be Destroyed"
( Click here to buy The Crawling Distance)
Lemuria - "Pants"
( Click here to buy Get Better)
January 14, 2009
Weak Chin Music.
"It's like if the dude from Leaving Las Vegas had a blog." - Tom, blurbing @APMike's late-stage Twitterspace
"If I find an Internet café, and I have an extra little Abe Lincoln sheet of paper in my pocket, I'll fold that into the feeder and jump onto the Mindweb and lay a couple of droppings out there, sure." - Travis Edgkin, confirming that he frequently posts on message boards
"I dig the claws in deep, but I dig 'em in gently." - Travis Edgkin, revealing the way he handles denizens of his pirate radio mindtrip
"I thought that's the kind of ossified, calcified corporate kinda stuff that you do that kinda cocoons the listener in a sorta gentle jelly of compromise." - Travis Edgkin, justifying his over-the-top "Oldies Station" intro of Sellout Harrison's "Ding Dong, Ding Dong"
"I don't know why ... You really are ... You're nuts. I mean that in the best sense." -- Tom, diplomatically assessing the aspiring DJ
"I eat a lot of pouch food now." - Travis Edgkin, 48, lamenting his low-sodium diet
"What about Amy Beertent?" -- Tom, performing an ode to Spike's horrifying Mad magazine spoofs
"My life doesn't allow me to hang upside down, so I decided I have to exercise instead to get the same effect. " -- Fredericks of NPR, informing Ben Crock about his sag-reversing pull-up regimen
"I think we just cleared the decks for 2008. I feel weirdly ... uh ... purified now. " -- Tom, readying the ship for 2009 battle after the psychedelic Spike/FoNPR/JfC jam session
[More quotes to come.]
"I kept wondering if I was really looking at myself. Those jowls? So droopy. Like a deformed hippo or something." - Sean from Rampbridge, criticizing his appearance in TV interviews regarding the crash of Flight 254
"I thought it would camouflage that? And it just looks like there's a dying albino chipmunk torso hanging off my chin or something. It's gross, just gross." - Sean, bashing the beard that was supposed to hide his fatty face
"I mean, these things could have their own zip code or time zone, or however people describe something that's outrageously oversized. It's sick. I hate it." -- Sean, rejecting the vast landscape occupied by his eye bags
"Come on, it's me, Sean. Where do you get it? Come on. Where do you get it? Tom. Come on. I can hear you hitting the buttons and working those toggle switches. We all can." - Sean, pushing Tom to tell him the retailer of his TS-478 voice modulator
"I can't even hear anymore. Geez!" - Sean, feeling the harmful effects of his own air horn
"Because I'm the face of Port-o-John Monthly, you munch." - Sean, explaining why he needs to travel to Eastern Guam for jowl-displacement surgery
"No, up a little bit. Yeah. My ploople. My ploople pop." -- Sean, directing Tom to the desired location of a forthcoming $700 fat injection
"I thought we were gonna go to the White House this year, which is what it should be called." -- Sean, regretting that the White Rage American Hate Speech party was denied admittance into the properly-named residence
"Well, if invisible was a number, it would be that." -- Sean, providing the final vote tally for WRAHSP Presidential candidate Walt Fredericks in Southwestern Idaho
"I'm so glad. It sounds like the air horn is dying." - Tom, celebrating the final frog-fart cries of Sean's sonic weapon
[TBSOWFMU - 12/30/08 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
The Dirtbombs - "Start The Party"
( Click here to buy Dangerous Magical Noise)
Pussy Galore - "Renegade!"
( Click here to buy the SuGarShit SharPling EP)
Girls Against Boys - "Go Be Delighted"
( Click here to buy Venus Luxure No. 1 Baby)
No Bunny - "Boneyard"
( Click here to buy Love Visions)
Thomas Function - "Can't Say No"
( Click here to buy Celebration)
The Duke Spirit - "You Really Wake Up The Love In Me"
( Click here to buy Neptune)
Paul Collins' Beat - "Ribbon of Gold"
( Click here to buy Ribbon of Gold)
Superchunk - "Baxter"
( Click here to buy Live at the Cat's Cradle - 8/29/08 from CyTunes)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 10, 2009
December 31, 2008
Reggae Christmas.
"Let's do it for Santa Claus. I'm doin' this one for Santa Claus." -- Tom, sending the tentpole up to the North Pole
"Why do all those guys have that meathead helmet? He looks like Tim Blake Nelson if you dropped like eight pounds of hair on his head." -- Tom, performing a transplant from the Illinois thug to the less-endowed character actor
"You just tell me the truth, Fernando! Look, whatever happened happened, but look Fernando, you just gotta tell me the truth!" -- The uglier brother of Paulie Walnuts, recounting an exchange with a co-worker while seated next to Tom at a fancy restaurant
[More to come.]
"And then Bryan Adams came on doin' 'Reggae Christmas' and all H-ell would break l-oose." -- PBR, setting the wild scene inside his neighbor's row house basement
"No, it's your mind's isle. Like your mind's an island in the middle of the ocean that's your head. Why?" -- PBR, noting the location of his stranded brandy sniffer from the early 1980s
"Oh, I'm sure you'll do somethin' that's gonna aggro-vate me. I don't know what it's gonna be." -- PBR, vowing to lead Tom to the whipping stockades for an unspecified infraction
"Corruption will have, if not no, then the smallest possible place in my admino-stration." -- PBR, distancing himself from the dirty politics of Gov. Mike Bla-go-je-vich
"Well, they got back together, and I'm sure made, if not thousands, hundreds." -- PBR, assessing the lucrative reunion of The Hooters
"Of course the belts had guns at the end of them. They weren't loaded." -- PBR, describing the weapons Werner and Rutager used during their Peace Operative training
"That's what's so great about Newbridge -- it's a total melon pot." -- PBR, promising to honor the town's diversity with a mash-up of Philly sports colors
"I don't really know. Do you ride it? Well, they're called a rhino, so I guess you ride it. No, they'd be called a rhido then. I don't know. You grab it by the horn, and you just swing?" -- PBR, trying to determine the best use of his odd-toed ungulate
"Now I'm bummed. [crippler hit] Now I'm not." -- PBR, getting over the disappointing size of the Mayor's ranch house with some weed intake
"And no arguments, okay Tom? This one's on youse." -- PBR, calling for a crematorium on criticisms of his fiscal spending
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 12/23/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]
John Denver & The Muppets - "Little Saint Nick"
( Click here to buy A Christmas Together)
Milk N Cookies - "Tinkertoy Tomorrow"
( Click here to buy Milk N Cookies)
Hypnolovewheel - "Get My Act Together"
( Click here to acquire Turn! Turn! Burn! and more!)
Danielson - "Singers Go First"
( Click here to buy Trying Hartz)
Vitamin X (ft. John Brannon) - "Pressure Release"
( Click here to buy Full Scale Assault)
Eddy Current Suppression Ring - "Sunday's Coming"
( Click here to buy Primary Colours)
The Weakends - "Times Is Tight"
( Click here to buy The Weakends)
Tommy Jay - "Accept It!"
( Click here to buy Tom's Tall Tales of Trauma)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
December 30, 2008
December 25, 2008
OMC!
Nothing* says "Christmas" quite like Harry Dean Stanton as a creepy angel.
*Tie for second: T. Cruise with an eyepatch (gonna catch a matinee with my Grandma!) and nem spankings.
December 24, 2008
Massage oil.
December 20, 2008
December 11, 2008
December 10, 2008
December 2, 2008
More Scrivening Than You Require.
You're really gonna carry your weight here on Thanksgiving." -- Tom, giving Spike props for bringing some sparkling cider to his family's holiday meal
"You feeble-minded lightweights. Oh, so weird. Couldn't handle it, huh, ladies? So weird!" -- Tom, underestimating the cinematic tolerance of the elderly Movie Clubbers during their post-Kaufman debriefing
"I mean, those guys could probably walk down the middle aisle at one of their concerts and not even get recognized. I don't know, it's kind of sad." -- 9-year-old Little Bill, lamenting the unfortunate anonymity of Aerosmith's unheralded Hamilton/Kramer rhythm section
"No, I wasn't saying it. He was. Little Bill was. I'm Big Bill, you idiot." -- Big Bill, setting Tom straight on which family member is embroiled in a tumultuous relationship
"This is Little Bill. He can't get enough of it. He loves having nightmares." -- Little Bill, confirming his father's enjoyment of the now off-limits Nightmare Machine
"I'm in a belt-whipping league." -- Mr. Sherbert, revealing one of his violent hobbies
"The weirdest part is that the dog has the same voice as the other two. I'm not even questioning that the dog speaks English." -- Tom, grappling with the third indistinguishable participant
"No, Big Bill's gonna whip Mr. Sherbert because there's more ... uh ... pudding." -- Big Bill, vowing to punish his pet for its second dessert deposit
"Alright, Big Bill, Little Bill, let's go for a walk." -- Mr. Sherbert, leading his masters into the night
"I don't have time for a plastic fork. Are you kidding? I've got to eat this thing. I've got to numb the pain." -- Tom, rejecting utensils for his 9/11 cheesecake feast
"Oh, the scrivener? He's some monk you've got stowed away somewhere in upstate New York? Illuminating every word in a manuscript? -- John Hodgman, speculating on the working conditions of Omar, The Best Show's Resident Recapper
"I got one about faxes. Put it in the book." - Milton Berle, crafting a late-period gem
"If you want, you can sign up for the Biosphere Project with other Geniuses and spider monkeys. A lot of spider monkeys." -- John Hodgman, promoting an exciting new Apple Store initiative
"That's why Detroit's going bankrupt. Because of the unions. Preventing children from cleaning smokestacks." -- John Hodgman, finding the roots of the global financial crisis
"It's like a high-pitched cackling that hurts." -- John Hodgman, describing the trademark laugh of Ricky Gervais
"Uh, I'll take the opposite position. What he said was wrong! How's that? Just to keep things interesting." -- John Hodgman, taking the Eagles over the Cardinals in the "Pigskin Picks" segment
"It is the gambling, yeah. Yeah. And the beatings. She won't beat me." - Brad in Sciencebridge, providing two reasons for his impending, fifth divorce
"Can you fax me a blueprint of your home, as well as a map of the air ducts that I can conveniently crawl through in order to drop into your nerve center?" -- John Hodgman, anticipating aspiring burglar Frank from Weehawken's follow-up question
"Are you a fertile man? Do you produce enough sperms to produce a human child." -- John Hodgman, checking on the viability of Tomas from New Canaan's reproductive system
"IT'S NOT A PARTY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? IT'S A FRIENDLY GET-TOGETHER!" -- Mike in Manhattan, emphatically downgrading the gathering in his residence
"You're a man of many enthusiasms. I understand, Trembling Eagle." -- John Hodgman, figuring out what drives the newest Hate Pit member
[TBSOWFMU - 11/25/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
The Peanut Butter Conspiracy - "Is There Anything I Can Do?"
( Click here to buy Spreading From the Ashes)
Thee Oh Sees - "Block of Ice"
( Click here to buy Thee Hounds of Foggy Notion)
Crippled Pilgrims - "People Going Nowhere"
( Click here to buy Down Here: Collected Recordings 1983-1985)
100 Flowers - "Our Fallout"
( Click here to buy 100 Years of Pulchritude)
The Flies - "All Hung Up"
( Click here to acquire the rest of Get Wise)
Scruffy the Cat - "My Baby She's Alright"
( Click here to buy Tiny Days)
Squalls - "Take It All"
( Click here to buy No Time)
R.E.M. - "Catapult" (live, T-Dot, 1983)
( Click here to buy Murmur [Deluxe Edition])
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
December 1, 2008
Prediction.
Returned on or around: Wednesday, Dec 03, 2008 after viewing the first 5 minutes.
November 29, 2008
Not counting the mezzanines.
If you only read one article on the collapse of the U.S. financial markets, make it this one.
November 28, 2008
Really?
It's that time of year again. Good luck with your Christmas talent shows. Remember, the judges value theatricality so consider donning a cape and adding a live fish to the roster.
November 25, 2008
On His Majesty's Secret Security Detail.
"What is this, Finding Forrester? You taught me something? I learned nothing from you. No, I taught you everything; you taught me nothing." -- Tom, denying Petey credit for mutual tutelage
"Yeah, Spike, just shut up." -- Petey, silencing the amateur film historian to get schooled by Tom about Stanley Donen's little-seen gem, Hey, Cabbie
"We've got a grown-up President now. It's time to act like a grown-up." -- Tom, telling Star Wars fans to finally emerge from their childhood cocoons
[More to quotes come.]
"Probably people sleeping, I guess." -- Melissa, noting the main attraction in Poland, Ohio
"Well, give me another example of robot-horror. Bicentennial Man? --- Tom, exploring Melissa's favorite subgenre via the remarkably lifelike Robin Williams
"I am a Death Machine. The only way you can stop it? You can't stop it!" -- Mr. Hammerhead, warning Tom about his indefatigable pit antics
"Basically ... uh ... I'm his Ron, I Knew Him Well." - Mr. Hammerhead, announcing his role as Team Ziegler's Chief of Staff
"Yeah. We're gonna make it less stinky." - Mr. Hammerhead, explaining the new administration's olfactory "vision" for Newbridge
"I'm kidding. Or am I? No, I am. Or am I? No, I am. Or am I? No, I am ... or am I?" - Mr. Hammerhead, joking (or not) about Mr. Ziegler's plan to get rid of Tom
"Well, you know, if someone's screwin' up in the pit, they gotta sit out for like a month. No pits for them. Like, 'Hey, Granny, no pit for you ... for a month. She's awful.'" - Mr. Hammerhead, doling out punishment as P.I.G.
"Well, an old lady might not love it." - Tom, giving an example of someone who wouldn't mind a month-long ban from good, rad pits
"Yeah, I was gonna make this Jay Reatard idiot look like Axl Rose." -- Mr. Hammerhead, revealing his now-thwarted plans to release 30 McCain Youth 7" singles per year
"You can't make fun of the new guy. Maybe the Bad Brains can get away with it, I don't know." - Mr. Hammerhead, lamenting the respectability of President-Elect Barack Obama
"He actually wanted to do a hardcore album, but Neil Peart wouldn't do it because he said his beanie falls off if he plays too fast." - Mr. Hammerhead, blaming unstable headgear for ruining Alec Lifespan's plans for a new direction
"Hey. Crack a mid-70s comeback album by an aging blues pioneer featuring a way-too-long and plodding song that would 20 years later be used in a Miller beer commercial much? It doesn't sound like you do." - Mr. Hammerhead, doubting that Tom listens to Muddy Walters's Hard Again
"What's wrong with you?! Does your hearing not work?" - Tom, questioning Mr. Hammerhead's ears after he refers to the Stones song "Jumping Jack Flask"
"Hey, clockwise, you munches! Come on! That's weak! Come on! Come on, youse guys." - Mr. Hammerhead, admonishing a group of kids with a PBR-y twang
[More to quotes come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 11/18/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Dayglo Abortions - "Stupid World"
( Click here to buy Feed Us a Fetus)
Go Back Snowball - "Lifetime For The Mavericks"
( Click here to buy Calling Zero)
Public Zone - "Naive"
( Click here to grab the b-side)
The Royal Purple - "In A Year Or So"
( Click here to request a FREE copy of The Time Element)
Love Is All - "Movie Romance"
( Click here to buy A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night)
Descendents - "Hope" (RIP Frank Navetta)
( Click here to buy Milo Goes To College)
Hunchback - "Inside Out"
( Click here to buy Pray for Scars)
Nip Drivers - "Fox on the Run" (Sweet cover)
( Click here to buy Nip Drivers)
EXCLUSIVE Bonus Track:
McCain Youth - "HAAAAAAAAAH?"
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Continue reading "On His Majesty's Secret Security Detail." »
November 12, 2008
Punching Meat.
All she wants to do is go the distance:
November 11, 2008
Blue Magic.
"It's barf-inducing." -- Spike, contemplating the horrors of an Old Man/That Woman regime
"Sick. That's sick. Those hillbillies. Come on hillbillies! Do the right thing, you weird mountain people." -- Tom, summoning the Virginia mutants to erase an early Good Guy deficit
"He would start crying -- like bad crying, not happy crying. Sad crying." -- Tom, imagining an exhausted Sen. John McLame's reaction to becoming President
"Oh. Really? You might be sorry! But that's okay." -- Julie from Cincinnati, getting an unexpected greenlight to file reports as The Best Show's Ohio correspondent
"Noooooooooooooooo!" -- A.P. Mike, moaning after his narrow Mayubernatorial defeat
"I'm your maaayor now, don't be scaaared now -- gonna rule with a hoagie, made-a iron, Tastykakes ... and beeer. Gonna ruuule ... gonna ruuuuule ... youse!" -- Philly Boy Roy, singing his acceptance speech
"You know why? I get to whip batteries at trick-or-treaters!" -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his love for Halloween
"You put it in, and it plays all these horrific sounds: car crashes, people screamin', dogs barkin', people dyin' and stuff." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the audio component of Milton Bradley's "Nightmare Machine"
"You better get back by 10 because that's when the wolfmen come out!" -- Mrs. Ziegler, stressing the importance of obeying curfew
"I guess it's like a pair of pliers you use on a van, but it's got like a widow's peak?" -- Philly Boy Roy, describing an odd subset of monsters called vanpliers
"Oh, I forgot something else. Uh ... Rhoda gave birth to a new kid yesterday, too." -- Philly Boy Roy, announcing the fourth-biggest event of his whirlwind week
"Yeah, the stockades and shackle depots aren't gonna start showin' up for a month or so." -- Philly Boy Roy, assuring the people that he will ease into his reign of terror
"All I wanna do is go the distance." -- Newbridge Vice-Mayor Rocky Balboa, committing to do whatever it takes
"I guess a Phil-n-Buster is when these two dudes do something that keeps you from bein' able to go home and watch TV." -- Philly Boy Roy, hoping to avoid lettuce slave ship gridlock
"It sounds to me like an Indian Chief and that guy from the Dead Kennedys." -- Philly Boy Roy, identifying the key players in the crucial White Eve and Jello Coal coalition
"Anyway, help me, O Great Mayor Rizzo to, in one word, Keep it Philly. Amen." -- Philly Boy Roy, concluding his prayer for a successful decade in Newbridge
"Hey, where's anything scary in this place? Other than the other troglodytes who came to this thing looking for scary stuff." - Tom, asking a Great Adventure employee to direct him to the prepared frights at, um, Fright Fest
[More quotes to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 11/4/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Apples in Stereo - "Tidal Wave" (Denver, CO)
( Click here to buy Fun Trick Noisemaker)
Zero Boys - "New Generation" (Indianapolis, IN)
( Click here to buy History Of on 2/3/09)
Scared of Chaka - "All My Friends Are Ghosts" (Albuquerque, NM)
( Click here to buy Tired Of You)
7 Seconds - "Strength" (Reno, NV)
( Click here to buy Walk Together, Rock Together)
Corrosion of Conformity - "Positive Outlook" (Raleigh, NC)
( Click here to buy Eye For An Eye (Plus Six Songs With Mike Singing))
Honor Role - "Lives Of The Saints #135 (Naked Wife)" (Richmond, VA)
( Click here to buy Album)
Full Fathom Five - "Why Their Faces Are So Worn" (Iowa City, IA)
( Click here to get the rest of Four Song EP)
Boys From Nowhere - "Rocket to Nowhere" (Columbus, OH)
( Click here to read about BFN)
Deicide - "Lunatic of God's Creation" (Tampa, FL)
( Click here to buy Deicide)
Bonus Track
[For Phillos Boyos Royos, the Mayor-elect-os of Newbridge-os]
Flag of Democracy - "Houses Made for Mannequins" (out there in Ambler, PA)
( Click here to visit FOD on Myplace)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
November 10, 2008
Poll-checkin' cuz.
November 7, 2008
November 5, 2008
The Curious Case of Mario Batali Waiting For His Free Scoop.
November 4, 2008
The Toolbelt Ringer.
"And I'm gonna be forever, don't you think? Yeah, yeah. All signs point to 'Yes,' right?" -- Joe the Plumber, predicting an extended stay in the national spotlight
"Well, you know, it's not every day you go to a party and get to eat a toilet." -- Joe the Plumber, promoting the unique experience of his new line of fudge fixtures
"Tools is right!" - Joe The Plumber, confirming Tom's assumption that these objects will appear in his "Rooter of Eros" trading cards
"It can't be me. You know, I can't play myself. Yeah. I guess that would be like an invasion of copyright." -- Joe the Plumber, explaining his decision avoid self-incrimination by becoming "Jack the Plumber" for a recurring role on Days of our Lives
"Look, jerks! Listen! You guys keep giving me attitude? I'm gonna hit you right in the face with that one ... um ... that one tool I have that has that ... uh ... that weird ... uh ... it's like a pinwheel kinda thing that ... uh ... you know, when you screw it, it opens it up and then you get it around the pipe. I'll smash you in the face with that." - Joe the Plumber, attempting to threaten Tom and PFT with a monkey wrench
"I'm gonna be honest with both you guys. I've never really acted except for that one film I'd rather not talk about, but it can't be too hard, right?" - Joe the Plumber, hoping to overcome his inexperience for the big Coleman brothers audition
"I nailed that scene, didn't I?" -- Joe the Plumber, feeling good about portraying Shelley Levene as a Mexican Dracula
"I can see it having elements of that, but it also should be about machine-gunning bad guys from a helicopter." -- Joe the Plumber, infusing some action into David Mamet's boring real-estate talkie
"At the very least it's too much fudge." - Paul F. Tompkins, passing on JTP's promise of an edible, life-sized toilet in every Newbridge bathroom
[TBSOWFMU - 10/21/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Possessed - "Evil Warriors"
( Click here to buy Seven Churches)
Sacred Denial - "Born Free"
( Click here to get the rest of Life's Been Getting To Me)
Cobra Verde - "Haunted Heavens"
( Click here to buy Haven't Slept All Year)
Deerhoof - "My Purple Past"
( Click here to buy Offend Maggie)
Pop Will Eat Itself - "Oh Grebo I Think I Love You"
( Click here to get the rest of the Poppiecock 12")
The Outnumbered - "She's Gonna Take It Out On Me"
( Click here to get the rest of Holding The Grenade Too Long)
Svelt - "Shrunken Head"
( Click here to buy Souvenir for $0.04)
The High Strung - "The Curator"
( Click here to buy Get The Guests)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
October 28, 2008
Verdict:
"CYPRESS HILL rapper B-Real has slammed Axl Rose's current GUNS N' ROSES lineup as no longer representative of the group."
October 26, 2008
October 21, 2008
Os Mutantes.
"Yeah, I wrap King-Size Snickers bars in $20 bills and give those out." Tom, flaunting his money to trick-or-treaters
"I did stop when she told me to shoo, but I finished it later." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the happy ending to his window-loving interruptus with Sarah Palin
"But you know, she's only a kid. So I threw 9-volts wrapped in those marshmallow ducks, those PEEPS®. I didn't really hit her much." -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to reduce the impact of his Piper Palin projectile
"I'll tell ya what-os. I thought he was gonna reach right out and damn me to Hell-os!" -- Phillos Boyos Royos, fearing final judgment during the Pope's mast on Ben Franklin Parkway
"You didn't think I knew Latin, didyez-os?" -- Philly Boy Roy, proving he doesn't
"Well, they were dummies. They liked a band that s-ucked." -- Philly Boy Roy, justifying his 1979 whipping of Little River Band fans
"I haven't been this excited since the time I was elected Mayor of Newbridge next week." - Philly Boy Roy, displaying his Claire Voyantesque abilities to Tom the Nostradummy
"You just can't concentrate out there because all nem starlets and playas. It's like Philly x 2." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the Phillies's defeat in their first game in Weird-O-Wood
"I'm gonna rule that place with an iron hoagie. Oh yeah, better button down the hatchets, Newbridge." -- Philly Boy Roy, preparing residents for his imminent crowning
"Tom, please don't ban me. I'll send you a million dollars." -- Julie from Cincinnati, offering payola to remain on the air
"The H-Man is going to see Spamalot with his grandma tomorrow. Looks to be a nice outing." -- Best Show Facebook Poet Laureate, spending some more time with his family
"You know what-uh, I think you're-uh, doing a fake ... uh ... voice-uh. Heave-uh, Ho-uh, little creep-uh." -- Tom, dismissing a William F. Buckley impostor
"You say New Port Reggie, it's gotta be Florida, Tom!" -- Frederick's, touting his singular city
"Ringo has some sort of OCD where if you send him things, he has to sign them. It's like the leprechaun when you throw shoes at him." -- Paul F. Tompkins, defending the drummer's decision to ignore all fan requests
[More quotes to come.]
"Jim Beam, dude!" -- A member of Papa Roach, explaining why he was playing basketball on a Sunday afternoon
[TBSOWFMU - 10/14/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Exodus - "Bonded By Blood"
( Click here to buy Bonded By Blood)
Fire Party - "Are You On?
( Click here to buy 19 Songs)
Duchess Says - "Melon"
( Click here to buy Anthologie des 3 Perchoirs)
F'd Up - "Black Albino Bones"
( Click here to buy The Chemistry of Common Life)
Hank IV - "Feeding Me Back"
( Click here to buy Refuge in Genre)
Silkworm - "Dust My Broom"
( Click here to buy In the West)
The Rosebuds - "Bow to the Middle"
( Click here to buy Life Like)
Lois - "Stroll Always"
( Click here to buy Butterfly Kiss)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023-os:
October 17, 2008
October 15, 2008
October 12, 2008
Some Kind of Mobster.
"Funniest movie of the year!" - Neil Cavuto, blurbing the right-wing laffest An American Carol
[More quotes to come.]
"Yeah, and the hair is like short. I like my hair like a little longer. Yeah, my lover likes it longer, too." -- Todd Palin, lamenting his style-cramping makeover
"Dude, you haven't even seen me on 7 yet. When I'm on 11, I'm like, you know, Hurricane Catalina." -- Todd Palin, putting Milt Robley's pleas for moderation into proper perspective
"Yeah, I still get down. Face down. In the snow. Both kinds." -- Todd Palin, staking claim to his snowblind youth
"Did you guys see Sarah Palin last night, HAAAAH? Wasn't she great, HAAAAAH? Didn't she do great at the debate, HAAAAH?" -- Sen. John McLame, driving Todd Palin up the wall
"Oh yeah, if the face and the bod didn't go with it -- seeuh! S'uh!" -- Todd Palin, indicating the key factors that balance out his wife's annoying voice
"She don't gotta read nothin'. I don't gotta read nothin' neither. What don't you not gotta read?" -- Todd Palin, dismissing the importance of newspapers
"Oh, come on, Sarah. He's rad." -- Todd Palin, attempting to turn Sarah onto the elusive charms of Jello Biafra
"Show Munch some respect, you munch." -- Todd Palin, demanding that Tom give his due to the competitive eater/Nazi detective
"Reagan's bong?! Reagan was not a pot smoker!" -- Tom, questioning the existence of a piece supposedly on display in the subterranean United States Vault
"That's my #1 mission. I want to get him herbal by Inoculation Day. Yeah." -- Todd Palin, setting a timetable for his quest to hook McLame on crippler
"You've shocked me, Todd Palin." -- Tom, commenting on the cumulative effect of the First Dude's series of rebulations
"A guy onstage playing a guitar shaped like a foot. I'm gonna say 'no,' that's not as good." -- Tom, rejecting Todd Palin's suggestion that Ron "Bumblefoot" Thal is a better axeman than Slash
"His big thing is hypnotizing for sex now. Yeah, he's teachin' me how to do it. I don't need to do it on Sarah, though. She's rabid." -- Todd Palin, learning valuable skills from the unscrupulous Phil Towle
"Are you really afraid of growing a beard because you think rats are gonna make their home in it when you're on the potty?" -- Todd Palin, asking Tom to confirm the latest release from the files of Dr. Fred Meyers
"There's a small chance I might've screwed stuff up for the ticket. Oh, man." -- Todd Palin, realizing that he talked too much smack on live radio
"I could always spin this like I was, you know, on DayQuil or something. That's what I'll do right now, yeah. I'm on DayQuil." -- Todd Palin, blaming his behavior on cold medication
"Dump this guy." -- Todd Palin, heave-ho-ing a caller looking for moose meat recipes
[TBSOWFMU - 10/7/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Marnie Stern - "Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads"
( Click here to buy This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That)
Baby Shakes - "Now I Know"
( Click here to buy The First One)
The Replacements - "Nowhere Is My Home"
( Click here to buy the Tim reissue)
Branch Manager - "Talk To Me Sometime"
( Click here to buy Anything Tribal)
Love Child - "He's So Sensitive"
( Click here to buy Okay?)
Odes - "Underwire"
( Click here to buy Me and My Big Mouth)
Tracy Shedd - "Whatever It Takes"
( Click here to buy Cigarettes & Smoke Machines)
Horse Feathers - "Working Poor"
( Click here to buy House With No Home)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
October 11, 2008
September 30, 2008
Where's Poppa?
"I would like to apologize to the fine people at Arby's for implying that this conversation could take place at an Arby's." - Tom, relieving the fast foodery of the responsibility for hosting the Spike/Julie summit
"Please stick around ... please stick around." - Brad in Newbridge, begging the Foo Fighters to remain active
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I was talking to Bryant Gumball or Keith Olderman." -- Brad, comparing Tom to the television journalists for suggesting that he should know the names of all four Foos
"It kicks ass. Killer! Oh, awesome!" - Brad, rejoicing at the modern rock stylings of Hinder
"Hey, come on, man. I'm only 34 years old. I got a whole life ahead of me." - Brad, justifying his rash decision to transform "Mount Foomore" into "Hinder Hill"
"You know what you might want to do before you become a member of the Hinder Army? Try becoming a Hinder Album Owner." -- Tom, urging Brad to do further research before committing to his new favorite band
"Sweeeeeeeeet!" -- Steve from NoHo, expressing too many sugary approvals for Tom's "Yay" votes
"It's not just that he wanted a croquet mallet. It's that he wanted a croquet mallet immediately." -- Tom, marveling at the minimalist beauty of the H-Man's Facebook status updates
[More quotations to come.]
"I don't even care about it now. I'm gonna cancel the tour, I think." -- Chris Langstrom, crying on the inside after Tom blows the lid off the reconciliation with his long-lost father
"What're you doing to my son?! What're you fillin' his head with? Lies!" -- Rod Langstrom, accusing Tom of re-opening old family wounds
"Well, it's still gonna be the classiest porn site out there. Oh yeah, all the models are gonna wear the finest rubies and emerils." -- Rod Langstrom, promoting his new venture on wednesdayrockers.com
"Crack a triple album much? Doesn't sound like you do." -- Rod Langstrom, questioning Tom's knowledge of prog rock
"History's full of guys who left their kids much older than me. Lincoln." -- Rod Langstrom, justifying his absentee parenting with some surprising Presidential trivia
"It's lingerie. And it's tasteful and denim. No one else is doin' it. Is there? You don't know anyone else who's doin' it, do you?" -- Rod Langstrom, confirming that he's captured a niche market
"The guys in Yes? Incredibly cruel. They'd whip you and laugh at you ... while you're bleeding." -- Rod Langstrom, revealing the violence that fueled the legendary band
"Look, I'll take my chances with Steve Howe. For some reason that does not scare me." -- Tom, preparing to do battle with Yes's most daunting whipper
"What a night. WHAT A NIGHT! I LOVE THIS DIRTY RADIO STATION!!!" -- Tom, declaring his affection for the pride of Newbridge Junior High
[TBSOWFMU - 9/23/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Boston Spaceships - "Zero Fix"
( Click here to buy Brown Submarine)
The Ettes - "Girls Are Mad"
( Click here to buy Look at Life Again)
Billy Childish and Holly Golightly - "Upside Mine"
( Click here to buy In Blood)
Julie Ruin - "The Punk Singer"
( Click here to buy Julie Ruin)
Adrenalin O.D. - "Suburbia" (live on "The Pat Duncan Show" in 1982)
( Click here to buy The Wacky Hi-Jinks of ...)
Probot (ft. Mike Dean) - "Access Babylon"
( Click here to buy Probot)
The Wax Museums - "Locked in the Mall"
( Click here to buy The Wax Museums)
Gem - "Your Heroes Hate You"
( Click here to buy Hexed)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
September 29, 2008
September 16, 2008
Tennenbaum to Treason.
"Come back, fun! How did you leave me within 30 seconds?!" - Tom, delivering the punchline to his classic sitcom joke
"Mike said he was donating to the Pharoah Sanders Fund." -- Tom, questioning his Associate Producer's suspicious "charitable contributions" to the jazz saxophonist via Tunes in Hoboken
"I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea that this person would fall out of the sky and be the running mate of the oldest President in history." - Tom, lending his support to upstart politician Sarah Palin
"I'm good at slot machines. I'm great at air hockey." -- Tom, touting his skills while in the throes of a losing streak
"You know why we gotta drop the '-ling' out of your name? People in the Southeast are gonna think you're Chinese, and they got no time for that." - Dave from Knoxville, attempting to make Tom and The Best Show safer for a less tolerant market
"Because of the drum solo it allowed me time to ... uh ... get serviced." - Gene Simmons, citing the purpose of keeping "100,000 Years" in the Kiss setlist
"Most are ... most don't." -- Gene Simmons, agreeing that the loyal Kiss fans are worthless slobs who have nothing going on in their pitiful lives
"It's War Paint during the show and then, of course, afterwards when my sessions start, it becomes Love Paint." - Gene, providing the proper terminology for his Kiss makeup
"Hey, Davy! Good show tonight. I didn't know it was a private event." -- An excited Davy Jones fan marvels at his good fortune
"Uh, it seems kinda self-explanatory. I assume it's about gay pimpin'." -- Tom, identifying the premise of the popular Gay Pimpin' with Jonny McGovern podcast
"All she needed was a wet cloth, and she'd start waterboarding a two-year-old." -- Tom, calling out an unhinged Best Buy employee for harassing and torturing a frightened child
"Kid Rock. That creepy facial hair would never cut it in the National Guard. Some guy shows up with that dumb hat on? That dumb hat 'cause he's goin' bald?" -- Tom, declaring the aging rap-rocker and ersatz warrior unfit for military service
"Yeah, what is it, uh, shampoo?" -- Tom, zinging Tyler from the LES with a guess of what he thinks the world could do without
"Women of Newbridge, as your future mayor I command you to kneel around me and feed me Peanut Chews like nem scantily-clad compupines used to feed grapes to their masters back in classical music days." - Philly Boy Roy, sending an important message to female voters
"I wanna make Newbridge the world's largest car wash. Bottomless." -- Philly Boy Roy, unveiling his plans to convert the town into a single erotic business
"Do we really want a guy who couldn't even fly his plane roight to be President? That sets a bad president for the future, don't it?" - Philly Boy Roy, expressing concerns about John McClain's subpar aviation display in Vietcong
"Yeah, there's a shocker. A shirtless guy wearing a football helmet with a baseball cap underneath it holding the hood of a car with some obscene painting on it." - Tom, summarizing the sartorial and artistic offenses that led to Philly Boy Roy's ejection from a Hilton hotel lobby
"I hunt moose!" - Philly Boy Roy, revealing the surprising circumstances of his shocking encounter with Sarah Palin in the Alaskan wilderness
"Well, it took me two weeks to mesmerize 'em all. See, it's easier when you mesmerize 'em. Yeah. I get a little, um, I don't know, tripped up with some words sometimes." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his strategy for narrating Encyclopedia Britannica entries
[TBSOWFMU - 9/9/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Portastatic - "Trajectory"
( Click here to buy Some Small History)
The Cute Lepers - "Nervous Habits"
( Click here to buy Can't Stand Modern Music)
Skid Row - "Riot Act"
( Click here to buy Slave to the Grind)
Trumans Water - "Outpatient Lightspeed"
( Click here to buy Godspeed the Punchline)
Archers of Loaf - "Wrong"
( Click here to buy Icky Mettle)
Prisonshake - "Favorite Hospital"
( Click here to buy Dirty Moons)
Bailter Space - "Retro"
( Click here to buy Wammo)
Mouserocket - "All Been Broken"
( Click here to buy Pretty Loud)
Bonus Track:
Cock Sparrer - "I Got Your Number"
( Click here to buy TLRx's Rapid Response EP)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
September 13, 2008
September 6, 2008
September 2, 2008
TBSOWFMUWDS: P1.
The following is the long version of The Art of the Slap press bio that I wrote in early 2007. It had been disenfranchised from its former online location, but it has a home now. This post is part of the ongoing The Best Show on WFMU World Domination Scheme: Phase I media tour that has made recent stops at New York's Vulture blog, The Onion A.V. Club, and The Stranger. Join the effort at Friends of Tom, listen to every Tuuuuesday night installment from 8 - 11 p.m, and subscribe to the podcast in your iTunes machine.
**********
On a fateful night back in early 1997, WFMU disc jockey Tom Scharpling and his comedy partner Jon Wurster orchestrated what they thought would be a one-off goof. Wurster called Scharpling's radio program posing as Ronald Thomas Clontle, the author of Rock, Rot & Rule, a highly-dubious and aggressively idiotic tome that promised to be the "ultimate argument settler" by filing every musical artist into one of three vague categories - "rock", "rot", or "rule."
The phones exploded with angry and baffled callers falling right into the duo's comedic trap. Scharpling navigated the ruse with expert faux incredulity, while Wurster plowed ahead undeterred, as Clontle's bizarre justifications (David Bowie and Neil Young rot because of "too many changes") and blatant inaccuracies ("Madness invented ska") stirred up endless, unsettled arguments. A tape of the call started making the rounds and soon became an underground hit, especially with touring rock bands. To meet the demand, Scharpling and Wurster formed Stereolaffs Records and released Rock, Rot & Rule on CD in 1999.
August 26, 2008
Balance Buddies.
"And I guess general skulking also burns off calories, right?" -- Tom, inquiring about a key component of Spike's workout regimen
"Look, I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing I can do about the wiring in your head. The connections you're gonna make? I can't do nothin' about that." -- Tom, declining to do any electrical work for Julie from Cincinnatti
"I hope he can DIG DEEP and somehow pull it out. As long as they hook up a spigot of Diet Coke that guy will keep going." -- Tom, rooting for $2.5 million/year radio Mike Francesa to somehow carry on without the departing Dawg
"Oops! Uh oh! [giggling fit] Sorry." -- Philly Boy Roy, apologizing for using the non-functional Newbridge Debate Pavilion restrooms
"Some describe Newbridge as something like a fantasy land, so it's not surprising that we've got more candidates than Snow White had dwarves. What? Nothing on that one? Nothing." - Tom, silencing the crowd at the NDP with an ill-advised joke in his opening remarks
"LET'S GET THE PIT GOING THE OTHER WAY! COME ON!! COME ON!!!! THIS. PIT. IS. WEAK! " -- Hammerhead, putting his mayubernatorial platform into action to the sounds of Minor Threat
"And how did I break the ground? With a drumstick. I used it as a hoe. And then I used it as a shovel. And then I used it as a pickaxe." -- Marky Ramone, revealing the only tool necessary to begin constructing his Newbridge amusement pawk
"You don't know what you're talkin' about, man. Crack a comet boot much? Don't sound like ya do." -- Marky Ramone, dismissing Tom as a literadummy in need of sedation
"At one point Simeon, the main judge, he turned from the camera because he was crying 'cause I was so good, and I touched him so." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., recounting his powerful American Idol audition performance of "Eat It"
"Yeah, I guess it means that whatever's in that basket, which is made from ham, is traveling downwards, you know, to the Hell region." -- Zachary Brimstead, explaining the new phrase he overhead at a handburger stand
"Geez, I don't know, if you're lookin' for a job, you might wanna go to Eastbridge." -- Zachary Brimstead, offering a "solution" to the problem of jobs being lured to surrounding towns with corporate tax breaks
Like y'know how like three out of the like 135 like stoplights in Newbridge work and the rest of 'em don't and stuff? Maybe we should like fix that stuff and stuff? -- Pudge Palfner, sort of proposing a plan to restore order to the Newbridge roadways
"It just ain't roight. I guess ArmandGeddy can't be too far off, huh?" -- Philly Boy Roy, predicting an epic catastrophe spurred by Domino's entering the sub sandwich business
"Schuylkill Expressway, drink a case. Route 309, drink a case. Roosevelt Boulevard, drink a case. Sumneytown Pike, drink a case. Lansdowne Avenue, drink a case." -- Philly Boy Roy, running through a simulation of his new mandatory drinking game called Cold Case
"What was Jeff Robinov thinking?! He's gotta keep the entire Warner Brothers family in the loop on this one! Si? I mean, can you deny that?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, wondering how the WB Pictures President could have failed to notify Entertainment Weekly of the release date change for the next Harry Potter film
"Judging by those previews, it looks like once again Hollywood has totally nailed what it's like to be in a band, yes?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, preparing to revel in the authenticity of The Rocker
"Please, again, people, these are not the issues. It does not matter that David Gordon Green did comedy now with Pineapple Express." Tom, trying to put an end to the frequent pop culture diversions
"Oh and the second thing would also be to barge the you-know-whos." -- Timmy von Trimble, sliding a predictable slat in his platform
"And, uh, this comes from the heart when I say you are absolutely, without a doubt, the least fit person in this town to run for mayor. You're a sick person who should be treated and possibly caged. If not barged." -- Dr. Fred Meyers, declaring Tom unfit for public office
"Yeah, well that was something that a supervillain came up with, and is not something that is a good idea." -- Tom, criticizing Dr. Meyer's plan to spray an anti-psychotic mist throughout the streets of Newbridge a la The Joker '89
"Because he's fat, and if he sets off that bomb, lots of people are going to die." -- Associate Producer Mike, justifying his plan to ban Little Mikey Halversom from Newbridge Little League
"I was doing like a Dracula thing. I thought kids would like that." -- Bob, obscuring his face to deliver one of his prerecorded takes
"I have never felt less involved in this town ... like I could not have the pulse of this town figured out less." -- Tom, finding himself on the political margins after the crowd applauds Hammerhead's pro-police-brutality stance
"It's all in the delivery, fat face." -- Philly Boy Roy, diagnosing Tom's problem after killing with his punchline-only version of the Snow White joke
"I would say that probably my ... my biggest thing .. my biggest concern would be how to keep you dead." -- Thor, making the most of his limited airtime
[TBSOWFMU - 8/19/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
The Cows - "Heave Ho"
( Click here to buy Cunning Stunts)
Chronic Sick - "There Goes The Neighbourhood"
( Click here to procure the Cutest Band in Hardcore EP)
Game Theory - "Throwing the Election"
( Click here to buy 2 Steps from the Middle Ages)
Mark Sultan - "We're Sinking"
( Click here to buy The Sultanic Verses)
Baby Astronauts - "Fishing Song"
( Click here to buy All the Poncakes You Can Eat)
Pierced Arrows - "The Wait"
( Click here to buy Straight To The Heart)
Love Child - "Something Cruel"
( Click here to buy Witchcraft)
Wale - "The Perfect Plan"
( Click here to download The Mixtape About Nothing)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
August 19, 2008
The H-Man Cometh.
No, it's not from the movie. Did that sound like Christine Baranski? Sick." -- Tom, assuring everyone that he played the legit ABBA version of "Does Your Mother Know"
"Oh, absolutely not." -- Spike, informing Tom that John McCain is not running as a Democrat
"Trust me, you want to convince people in Oklahoma to vote for Barack Obama, don't send a bunch of New Yorkers out there, people from the East Village going door-to-door." -- Tom, persuading Cynthia not to ruin the election by invading red states
"It's time to stop with the art. Seriously, people, there's enough art out there. The world needs ditch diggers, too." - Tom (via Judge Smails), getting his fill with a painting of Baby Stewie's murderous fontasies
"Let me, uh, God, what do you kids says, Goople it?" - Dr. Fred Meyers, attempting to research the status of Dire Straits
"Only if my TV set is off and there's a pornographic image on it, yeah." - Dr. Fred Meyers, confirming that his computer monitor is turned on
"Look you old chintz, you needed my help." - Dr. Fred Meyers, billing Tom at his usual $200/rate for an unsolicited 2 cents worth of advice
"You know that you are raw. You are a lump of clay. And I am going to mold you tonight. Will you let me mold you? Can I shape you? -- Tom, getting approval to sculpt his radio Adonis
"I can't understand you, WALL-E. Say Eeeee-vah. Say that." - Tom, dealing with Skype static during Jeff Weigand's anti-Maxwell's rant
"Not that you know of?! What are you all of a sudden gonna accidentally realize you know ventriloquism? That's the kind of thing you'd know about. You kind of set out to become a ventriloquist. Ahhh, what's going on here?! This dummy's talking and my mouth isn't moving!" -- Tom, speculating on the H-Man's dormant talents
"I definitely recommend it because they just add so much blood from necks, and it's all that good stuff. Cannibalism. It's amazing." -- The H-Man, bonding with Spike over the gloriously gory Sweeney Todd
"Oh, you roll. Jeepers! Oh my God, I didn't know I was talking to someone that actually rolls and had a pattern of rolling." -- Bryce, rejoicing about discovering a DIY doobie partner
"It varies between like intense concentration and something I don't really want to talk about. But as Conrad Bain says, 'Diff'rent strokes for people who are un ... uh ... alike.'" -- Bryce, describing Tom's facial expression while playing video games
[Many more quotes to come.]
"Get Off My Phone ... please." -- The H-Man, politely terminating a call
[TBSOWFMU - 8/12/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
The Lines - "White Night"
( Click here to buy Memory Span)
Digital Leather - "Modulated/Simulated"
( Click here to buy Sorcerer)
The Intelligence - "Sailer Dive"
( Click here to buy Deuteronomy)
Finest Dearest - "Serious"
( Click here to buy Finest Dearest)
Oxford Collapse - "Back of the Yards"
( Click here to buy Bits)
Pas/Cal - "Little Red Radio"
( Click here to buy I Was Raised On Matthew, Mark, Luke & Laura)
Sic Alps - "Sing Song Waitress"
( Click here to buy U.S. EZ)
Mirah - "Don't Go"
( Click here to buy The Old Days Feeling)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
August 12, 2008
Sean and Freud.
"The show is the show." -- Tom, issuing an important reminder amidst conflicting priorities
"The H-Man. Looks like I'm going to have to train him!" -- Spike, booking Tom's protégée for an appointment in the dungeon
"She doesn't hate men, she's just an idiot." -- Spike, refusing to support Katie Couric as Barack Obama's Vice-Presidential running mate
"What is this, Meatballs? Suddenly I'm Morty? Next day I'll find myself asleep out on a bed in the middle of the lake. I'm not Morty." -- Tom, terminating his brief employment as a weekend camp counselor
"You can hunt people in this mall." -- Tom, touting the paintball war zone in West Nyack's version of Heaven
"I WANT THESE CHANNELS OFF MY SYSTEM ... NOW! ... The little things in life SUUUCK!" -- Spike, demanding a la carte cable options instead of packages with fringe networks like ESPN
"I don't need to post on FOTChan to say: NO." - Ted, declining to hire Gavin Rossdale to produce the forthcoming Six-String Warrior
"The day I buy a CD from Starbucks is a day I open up a vein and bid this world goodbye." -- Jason, raging against the machine (unless they stock Stevie Blue vinyl)
"Yeah, like a big is a small, a large is a medium, and then the bigger's a large." -- Philly Boy Roy, running through Wawa's eccentric cup sizes
"I'll get it, I'll get it. Shush your face." - Philly Boy Roy, claiming that he will eventually be able to say mayluganadawiltonorial without Tom's aid
"Spend more time with my family?! Good God, no. I can barely stand them now! They're driving me nuts." -- Philly Boy Roy, maintaining his political aspirations as an escape from the long, hot Ziegler summer
"Everyone has satin sheets up there, right? Even the bums have satin sheets from what I've heard. I'm sorry: hobos." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the origin of NYC's little-known "Satin City" nickname
"Dad, make it stop shockin' me. I'm about to pass out." - Roy, Jr., begging his father to disable one of the punishments on Radio Hut's Music Group
"Okay, wait for me to go get another sixer of Yuengling from Wawa. I'll be back in like 40." -- Philly Boy Roy, agreeing to do it after completing an errand
"Oh my God, it's like you're David Coppertone or something. The Amazing Krestskin." -- Philly Boy Roy, marveling at Tom's ability to guess his brilliant SEPERATED AT BERTH headline
"Chocolatier? Why'd I be afraid of a chocolatier? I've been kicking chocolatiers' asses since I was a kid." -- Philly Boy Roy, denying that he is afraid of the Norwegians who have invaded Newbridge
"Okay, I won't even talk about the stabbins or the time I was selling 'shrooms ... at church." -- Philly Boy Roy, declining to further discuss the reasons he is persona au gratin with the Republican Party
"You never know. You never ever ever know, do youse?" - Philly Boy Roy, creepily suggesting that he will orchestrate Tom's murder from his throne
"The idea of you singing me a song is going to knock you straight back into the Stone Age with your comeback." -- Tom, warning Steve from North Hollywood against performing his Best Show mash-up of Queen's Flash Gordon theme
"I want this show to go off the air when it's still fresh. Yeah, like the way Happy Days did, you know what I mean? Happy Days got out while it was still HOT. Like Gunsmoke got out before they wore out their welcome. You know what I mean? Shows like that. You know, shows that didn't hang around too long. Right? Like The Secret Diary of Desmond Pa-feiffer. Shows like that. Get out before you burn people out." -- Tom, finding inspiration for his exit strategy
[TBSOWFMU - 8/5/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Volcano Suns - "White Elephant"
( Click here to tell Taang! to bring it)
fIREHOSE - "Brave Captain"
( Click here to buy Ragin', Full 'On)
Husker Dude - "Masochism World"
( Click here to buy Zen Arcade)
Redd Kross - "Burn-Out"
( Click here to buy Born Innocent)
The Geraldine Fibbers - "Seven Or In 10"
( Click here to buy Butch)
The Frogs - "Ocean Tide"
( Click here to buy The Frogs)
The Fluid - "Our Love Will Still Be There"
( Click here to buy Glue/Roadmouth)
Scala Girls Choir - "Teenage Dirtbag" (Wheatus cover)
( Click here to buy On The Rocks)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
August 5, 2008
The Unfixables.
"Uh, maybe you've heard of The Battle of Shaker Heights? Anyone? Hello?" - Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on the early Shia LaBoof classic
[More to come.]
"I want you to think about Dogmo before you say anything else you might regret at some point, okay?" -- Dr. Fred Meyers, urging caution as Tom enters his Joyspace
"And this Gabby from Winnipeg? You just let her go like the instant she didn't fit your needs. This is terrible." -- Dr. Meyers, discovering that Tom is not making good progress
"This isn't about that doctor-patient privilege thing, is it?" -- Dr. Meyers, wondering if Tom is concerned about the common law jurisdiction that expires after retirement
"Instead of trying to slash your brother's face with a steak knife, I want you to transmute those feelings of absolute hatred into feelings of absolute pleasure, okay?" -- Dr. Meyers, asking Tom to draw on his newfound tools to avoid the violence of the fudge-fueled, blind rage of his youth
"You know how you're afraid of using public restrooms? Well, he's afraid of using any restroom." -- Dr. Meyers, revealing the affliction of Bryan Jenkins, his former Wednesday 2:30
"Lots of real men have high voices. I just can't think of any of them right now." -- Dr. Meyers, trying to let Tom know that he doesn't have to use a voice modulator
"Well, I did my best. I can't help it if they're completely deranged." -- Dr. Meyers, leaving his unfixable customers to fend for themselves in the psycho trenches
"I'M NOT GOING TO CLOSE MY EYES!" -- Tom, informing his former therapist that he will not go under hypnosis on live radio
"I'm dialing Officer Harrups right now. I'm gonna tell him that you once confessed to killing a migrant work out at Newbridge Farms just to see what it would feel like. They never found the body." -- Dr. Meyers, threatening payback for Tom's refusal to give him Dr. J's phone number
"I think Tom's former shrink needs one himself. That guy was bloody nuts." -- Spike, making a very lucid point on the FOT Board, 8/1/2008
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 7/29/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Guided By Voices - "A Visit To The Creep Doctor"
( Click here to buy Sandbox)
The Fastbacks - "Fortune's Misery"
( Click here to buy New Mansions In Sound)
Sebadoh - "Sister"
( Click here to buy the Bubble & Scrape reissue)
Ponytail - "Sky Drool"
( Click here to buy Ice Cream Spiritual!)
Sic Alps - "Message From The Law"
( Click here to buy A Long Way Around To A Shortcut)
Julie Ocean - "At The Appointed Hour"
( Click here to buy Long Gone and Nearly There)
Wednesday Week - "Perspective"
( Click here to buy the What We Had reissue)
Biff Bang Pow! - "Wouldn't You"
( Click here to buy Waterbomb - The Best Of Biff Bang Pow!)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
July 29, 2008
Brimley Bites.
"Heeeelllloooo, Patton. [demented laughing]" -- Spike, fulfilling Tom's request to creep out/delight one of his biggest fans
"I think he just signed to Just Blaze's record label. He might be a robot, though." -- DJRiyadhCinnabon Is Not Good To Eat, questioning the construction of D.C. hip-hot artist, Wale.
"What's that, 'Surfin' Bird'? Hey Glenn, he's doing Surfin' Bird!" -- Tank, mistaking Tom's impression of his Halversom-induced stammering for a cover of The Trashmen's hit
"I come here to whip it. I'm not comin' here to end up in second place. I'm not here for second place! I'm here to whip it!" -- Tom, explaining why he had to cut off Laurie's Pitchfork Festival acceptance speech
"Chewin' means you're doing great. Bitin' means you're doing bad." -- B.J. Bryson, helping Tom assess his state of being using his Brysonisms
"Well, it's more like scalding. Nah, I guess technically it is burning because there was bubbling also." -- B.J. Bryson, recalling the injuries caused by buttled projectiles at his legendary Disco Bites
"I'm an equal-opportunity stirrer." -- B.J. Bryson, touting his rallies against Presidential candidates from any political party
"Somehow he used both his hands and like he was bare-bottomed for a second. It was very odd. I'm not sure if I want to be involved with this guy. Of course I do." -- B.J. Bryson, embracing new radio partner Ronald Fuqua moments after he disses Tom with an extremely obscene gesture
"I'm garbage, but if no one else is around, I'm here." -- Tom, analyzing the depressing undercurrent of ABBA's "Take A Chance On Me"
"This guy sounds like he's winded in it, like he just ran a lap before he went into the studio. Like he's doing James Bond stunts and then getting behind the mic." -- Tom, critiquing Pierce Brosnan's best take of ABBA's "SOS"
[Many more quotations to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 7/22/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Kati Kovacs - "Add Már Uram az Esöt!"
( Click here to buy Well Hung - 20 Funk Rock Eruptions From Beneath Communist Hungary Vol. 1)
Melvins - "The Kicking Machine"
( Click here to buy Nude With Boots)
Faith No More - "Digging The Grave"
( Click here to buy King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime)
Maybe It's Reno - "Drunk Pilot"
( Click here to buy Maybe It's Reno)
Eat Skull - "Punk Trips"
( Click here to buy Sick To Death)
The Dutchess & The Duke - "Out of Time"
( Click here to buy She's the Dutchess, He's the Duke)
Gentleman Jesse & His Men - "Hands Together"
( Click here to buy Gentleman Jesse)
Silkworm - "Lily White & Cherry Red"
( Click here to buy the Chokes! EP)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
July 28, 2008
July 25, 2008
I wanna play those games.
July 24, 2008
OU8somecheese.
[via Serious Eats.]
July 22, 2008
July 21, 2008
July 14, 2008
July 8, 2008
The Working Man.
"If Dave has me eating meat other than people meat, GOMP him." -- Ted, taking a stand on his potential vegan lapse in "The World Is in the Turlet" video, via IM
"I like that you didn't challenge that also. You accepted that you possess the power to creep people out." -- Tom, noting Spike's embrace of his most obvious and effective superpower
"I like Adam Sandler, but I don't like his movies." -- Spike, offering an odd declaration of fandom for the film star
"You can't cuff a ghost." -- Tom, pointing out the perils of police responding to paranormal activity
"My God, that call was straight outta the Exorcist II: The Her-etic or something, wasn't it?" -- Darren Ploppleton, linking Officer Tom's ghost story to the horror sequel
"Uhhh. You are Zoso stupid, Tom." -- Darren, dissing Tom for not knowing about Jimmy Page's new medical practice
"Can you imagine going down to Jimmy Page's office, and all the nurses are like preppin' you for your like vasectomy or whatever, and you and Pagey are jammin' on 'Black Dogs'?" -- Darren, pondering one of the bonuses of having a guitar hero doctor
"You know, it seems like if I won, which I probably would, I just wouldn't get to spend any time with my family." -- Darren, joining the growing roster of Mayubernatorial dropouts
"It isn't because I'm growing dreadlocks, and you're not, is it?" -- Darren, trying to figure out why Tom is mad at him
"It's almost like the Hilter-Jesus Alliance." -- Darren, referencing an unlikely historical pairing to highlight the irony inherent in his The Spackler-Smails Alliance band
"Come on, we have a song called 'Doody!'" -- Darren, begging Tom to reenact the Caddyshack Baby Ruth pool scene during the debut TS-SA performance at The Lunchpad
"I think you'll be way, way, way down if you don't let Sven take that job." -- Darren, warning Tom about the ramifications of not relinquishing his double-C job to Sven Halversom
"I was like, 'Wow, who is this band? Who's that guy with the big nose and the hair?' Actually, I was like, "Who was that lady with the big nose and the big hair." - Michael K, getting his first glimpse of Mrs. Geddy Lee at a late-1970s Rush show in The Pitts
"I'm movin'. I'm movin' to Toronto. And no one can dissuade me from it." -- Tom, bearing a gift beyond price on the night of Canada's 141st birthday
"I should smear some liverwurst on it, let Dogmo go to town on it." -- Tom, concocting a plan to destroy Adrienne Barbeau's new vampire novel
"Yeah, he was you 30 years ago." -- Tom, schooling Tyler from the LES on David Peel
"I gotta say, we need to fill in the area between Wayne Gretzky and Mo Rocca." -- Tom, looking to populate the huge talent gulf between the Canadian hockey great and the American "fundit"
"It's actually hard for me to pinpoint which of them is more of a suck on the world's energy." -- Joanna from Portland, struggling to place Jared Leto above or below Harmony Korine
"You show up at any half respectable construction site wearing a Devo hat? You'll get beat by some guy with a nail gun. -- Tom, urging against the use of New Wave hardhats in actual work environments
[TBSOWFMU - 7/1/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Boris - "Laser Bean"
( Click here to buy Smile)
Granicus - "When You're Movin'"
( Click here to visit Granicus on Myplace!)
Made Out of Babies - "Buffalo"
( Click here to buy The Ruiner)
Unrest - "Can't Sit Still" (from Tink of S.E.)
( Click here to buy Unrest recordings)
Epoxies - "Molded Plastic"
( Click here to buy Epoxies)
Sybris - "Burnout Babies"
( Click here to acquire Into the Trees)
Liz Phair - "Stratford-on-Guy"
( Click here to buy the Exile in Guyville reissue)
Guided By Voices - "Dig Through My Window"
( Click here to buy The Pipe Dreams of Instant Prince Whippet)
Bonus Track:
Big Dipper - "Jet" (Wings cover)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
June 24, 2008
Everything In Its Right Place.
"Hello? Is this the program? I don't know. Do I start? I guess I can start. Is this it? No? It's not? Ok. I thought that was it. This is not the show? What's that guy pointing at me for? Supposed to start? Oh, it is the show. I'm sorry." -- A confused Gene, attempting to host The Best Show
"That ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch." -- Spike, vowing to thwart Hillary Clinton's plans to create a "Planet of the Women"
"They should charge him for that seat. Those are courtside seats he's tying up." -- Tom, looking to collect from the immobile, jerk-whistling Phil Jackson
"My stomach just said, 'Why are you calling?'" -- Tom, translating his growly greeting for Julie from Cincinnati
"I should go get a tetanus shot. Can you get tetanus from dirt? I'm probably addicted to cocaine now. I probably have a drug problem from getting that dirt in my mouth." -- Tom, pondering the consequences of the gusts of Brooklyn marching soil during the Death Cab for Cutie rock concert
"You know what? You got me, Brooklyn. How dare I step to you, think I could win. I lost. I lost. You win, Brooklyn. Congratulations. You did it." -- Tom, admitting defeating after a full-on monsoon sent him staggering like a cadaver to Enid's
"So then I'm sitting there eating a thing of fries and a bun with shredded iceberg lettuce and mustard on it. That's a lowpoint. I'm gonna say that's a lowpoint. True lowpoint." -- A deliriously hungry Tom, dining on a toppings sandwich at FiveBrothersGuys in York, PA
They can fly! These guys can fly! But they choose to walk across the street and everybody with their fancy motorcars is stuck at their mercy." -- Tom, explaining the beauty of The Best Thing on Earth
"It was definitely sounds of like bears and people running away like in a funny way." -- Weirder Jon, catching some campers watching a camping movie
"Well, you could be the funny one. No one's really funny. I should stop talking." -- Liz from Chicago, inadvertently throwing NPR under the bus
"Art thieves? Art forgers? Elmyr de Hory?" -- Tom, speculating onOfficer TomLaurie's topic entry
"I'll go to Radio Disney, play songs from High School Musical. Get an interview with Zach and Cody. Make them have a "Beat It"-style knife fight." -- Tom, getting ready to not do the toilet talk
"I saw a thing on the Southern Weather Service that said the weather in Birmingham is hotter than the Devil's drawers." - Tom, penning a joke for possible sale to Bill Engvall
"It blew me out of the water. I was just devastated by it. I love the show, and the movie was just like Bukowski." -- The edgy Laura from Ridgewood (aka "The Jersey Spike"), expressing disgust at the misogynistic Sex and the City film
"He goes on Gregslist. I think that's the porn one. Craigslist is the normal one. He goes on Gregslist. There's some guy named Greg, who operates it from his jail cell." -- Tom, revealing the website "Mike" used to sell phone numbers obtained during his SatC opening night ruse
"No, I'm sweating right now. I just finished the legs and back.."-- A reinvigorated Petey Rollins, rising from the bongwater for intense P90X workouts
"It was a weird family telling a story about a weird family. I found myself strangely touched by it." -- Tom, double-dipping on Speed Racer in IMAX
"The World Is in the Turlet Plus 10 Catchy Toe-Tappers. That's my pitch for the album title." -- Tom, sending TLRx's career into the titular turlet
[TBSOWFMU - 6/17/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Iron Maiden - "Wasted Years"
( Click here to buy Somewhere In Time)
Compulsive Gamblers - "Way I Feel About You"
( Click here to buy Crystal Gazing Luck Amazing)
Prisonshake - "Always Almost There"
( Click here to buy The Roaring Third)
Olivelawn - "Major Label Blues"
( Click here to buy Sophomore Jinx)
Bum Kon - "The Draft"
( Click here to buy Bum Kon)
Tilly and The Wall - "Dust Me Off"
( Click here to buy O)
Close Lobsters - "Pathetique"
( Click here to buy Foxheads Stalk This Land)
Vivian Girls - "All the Time"
( Click here to visit the Vivian Girls on Myspace)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
June 16, 2008
June 10, 2008
The Moment of Triumph.
"You cannot have the word 'turlet' in the song." -- Paul F. Tompkins, questioning Tom's chorus via IM
"You're really gonna make Ted sing 'turlet'?" - PFT, still in disbelief about 30 minutes before the World Premiere
"I never said this about one of my own songs before, but this song is amazing." -- Ted Leo, touting the completed turlet rock via IM
Big Steve is on the drum set
Counting it four by four
Little Jimmy jamming the six-string
Giving the people more
Count Violence bringing the low-end
Cuz that's all that he knows what to do
And my name's Ted
That's what I said
And the western world will perish in 15 years!!!!!!!!!
And then in the year 16, when the world is clean
Clean of this hipster scene
Well all their ghosts will scream for what their souls have seen
And the tapas they could have been eating
But
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die
Aw
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why
Come on!
Nothing to drink, I've got nothing to eat
I'm barely alive, I'm dead on my feet
The East River boiled and belched up a cadaver
The corpse walked to Enid's for a drink and some palaver
And
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die
Yeah
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why
Cuz
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
And you don't ask why
I said
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
So give it a try
It!
Was!
Supposed!
To Be!
My Moment!
Of!
Triumph!
[TBSOWFMU - 6/3/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Harvey Milk - "Barnburner"
( Click here to buy Life ... the Best Game in Town)
Bash & Pop - "Fast & Hard"
( Click here to buy Friday Night Is Killing Me)
Jucifer - "Blackpowder"
( Click here to buy L' Autrichienne)
Hot Snakes - "Why Does It Hurt"
( Click here to buy Suicide Invoice)
King's X - "I Don't Know"
( Click here to buy XV)
Monochrome Set - "The Jet Set Junta"
( Click here to buy The Independent Singles Collection)
For Against - "Don't Do Me Any Favors"
( Click here to buy Aperture)
The Spinanes - "Oceanside"
( Click here to buy Strand)
**********
Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "The World Is in the Turlet"*
*Per several linguistics scholars, it's "turlet" -- accept no substitutes!
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the world perishes:
June 3, 2008
June 2, 2008
A ringer despite having to play in her habit.
May 27, 2008
Crazy in Love.
"Help me with my interests! I'd like to buy records! I really want that new Husker Du album. Somebody, please, throw money into my milk jug so I can go record shopping!" -- A young Tom Scharpling, panhandling to fund his hobbies
"The wrestling, you know, I could take or leave unless it's, you know, wrestling beneath the sheets." -- Gene Simmons, supporting the bedroom-based form of the ancient sport
"Please. $5,000 is what I have in my pajamas." -- Gene Simmons, urging Tom to increase his guess on the amount of money in his bulging wallet
"Oh, Mr. Simmons ..." -- Tom, responding to Gene's desire to have his $3 billion rub against him
"Now I think he's running around Haight-Ashbury, looking for a bong. The Golden Bong." -- Tom, revealing the central quest in the new Indiana Jones pitcher
"No one likes that. Kurosawa didn't like Kurosawa." -- Tom, informing The Sixth Beatle that he's alone in his love for the Japanese filmmaker
"Greatness pours out of you like sweat out of Harry Knowles." -- Tom, comparing Weirder Jon's effortless calling skills to the profuse perspiration of the portly pundit
"This Hitler, thumbs all the way down on this guy, straight across the board -- nothing about this guy gets anything but a thumbs down. He is a grade. A. jerk." -- Tom, denouncing the Nazi leader after learning about his atrocities in an audio lecture series
"I like a lot of those Vivaldi tunes. He lays down some good stuff. Another good tunesmith: Beethoven. You might want to check him out. Good songwriter." -- Tom, praising some of his favorite classical hitmakers
"I need this so much less then you need it. I need this so much less than you need it. You can't do better than me, but I can do better than you." -- Tom, contemplating retirement after a caller mentions a trip to a brothel
"She's still tasty, I think. Even in those Grumpy Pants movies." -- Paul, finding continued appeal in mid-1990s Ann-Margaret
"I can't really express myself with words so I draw pitchers and then when I like stand up there and say them, it makes it look like I'm actually reading the words, but I'm just actually like saying what the pitchers say." -- Paul, explaining his peculiar method for translating his speech notes into verbal communication
"The princess and the hot guy, they ended up kinda living happily ever after, and they had a lot of sex and stuff." -- Paul, summarizing the exciting conclusion to the classic tale of Sergio de Burgerback
"Why? Because they exploded those four times?" -- Paul, wondering why Tom sided with Gwen on the perils of mixing fireworks and children
"You know some guy in Japan is paying like $30,000 for that." -- Paul, lamenting Bill's big score of a Dean Smith-autographed Season of Glass LP
"Well, you know, I've never felt that Gwen respected me, and who commands more respect than the Hulkster? I mean, some would argue Randall Savage does, but I don't think that's quite so." -- Paul, hoping to win back his wife via Hogan-delivered flowers
"She says it was just some fat guy in a headband and wrestling tights. I knew I should've hired Randall Savage." -- Paul, regretting his choice of wrestling legend
"I'm just so sorry and ... um ... basically here's what happened, alright: Tom Scharpling told me to take out that money that you reserved for the care of your sweet ma-ma and pa-pa." -- Paul, coming clean about why he raided Gwen's bank account
He forced me to do it. He's a sadist! Yeah, he's positively Draculian." -- Paul, noting the extreme ways that Tom exerts his influence
"Yeah, our family's pretty awesome. We haven't written any books or started any companies or anything, but ... we obviously don't know our Scarface, either." -- Bonnie, pointing out some minor shortcomings of her otherwise royal clan
[TBSOWFMU - 5/20/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Mudhoney - "Twenty Four"
( Click here to buy Superfuzz Bigmuff Deluxe Edition)
Cheveu - "Jacob's Fight"
( Click here to buy Cheveu)
Cheap Time - "People Talk"
( Click here to buy Cheap Talk)
Fastbacks - "The Jester"
( Click here to buy Fastbacks recordings)
Robert Pollard - "1 Years Old"
( Click here to buy Robert Pollard Is Off To Business)
Free Kitten - "Sea Sick"
( Click here to buy Inherit)
TMA - "You Crack Me Up"
( Click here to buy What's for dinner?)
Mudhoney - "Tales of Terror"
( Click here to buy The Lucky Ones)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
May 20, 2008
Shredding Regimes.
"Maybe it's time. Maybe it's payday. Time for a payday. Turn this show into that Jimmy Parton show." -- Tom, considering monetizing his real radio empire
"Don't do this to me, ABBA box. Just go! Go! Come back. No, go! Just go. I cannot look at you." Tom, struggling to give his blue buddy the (temporary) boot
"More pizza, slave!" -- Problem children, demanding additional substenance at a birthday bash
"A lot of marble. A lot of marble went into that." - Tom, considering the amount of raw material required for the Pig Champion statue in Portland, OR.
"Mommy, the man with the laptop is staring at me! Now go get me a cookie!" -- Junior on Steroids, detecting Tom's gaze-holding challenge
"I can arrange for someone to re-arrange my schedule." - Spike, outsourcing the difficult task of freeing up enough time to make his WFMU hosting debut
"It would be so great if a hawk flew down and thought it saw like a boll weevil running on some guy's head. Aw, food! Eeee-awww! And like grabs the rug off his head." -- Tom, looking forward to a bird of prey Jamesing James at the Ted Leo Castle Clinton show
"You should pour maple syrup all over him." -- Ted Leo, contributing to his brothers' Unholy Childhood at a local IHOP
I'll be really honest -- it was very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile. Oh my god, we were so scared." -- Bill, misleading Tom about his mother's condition
"She was shredding their reams. They have a lot of reams to shred." -- Bill, explaining that his mom was super swamped with Newbridge Episcopalian's reams
"They're definitely all first editions. The copy I have of Slaughterhouse-Five -- it's in christine prediction. So perfect." - Bill, noting the condition of the Vonnegut book he got signed by Dick Francis
"Guess who it's signed by? All. four. members ... and Peter Benchley." -- Bill, revealing an unusual addition to his autographed The White Album
"You don't have to lie. You couldn't make it to the game, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal. - Tom, trying to coax Bill back towards the truth
"I'd been bad, and my Mommy put the tape on top of the fridge where I couldn't get it down." -- Bill, providing a reason for not bringing his advance copy of Tears for Fears's The Seeds of Love to school
"It doesn't have a clock, but I can keep in constant contact with Nassau." - Bill, noting one of the cool features of his high-death cell phone
"That guy has some bad bedside manner, doesn't he? He's rude." -- Bill, criticizing Dr. Gregory House's interactions with patients
"Thanks. Some friend you are. You sicken me." -- Bill, chiding Tom for lying about his arrival time for their pre-Prong Battler Butler meetup
"I said that I had stress throat, and, um, I was actually on a renaissance mission with Senator McCain." -- Bill, admitting the ruse he pulled on Old Man Dalrymple
"It sounds like your kind of losing enthusiasm for your own lying." - Tom, sensing Bill's fib fatigue
Yep. With my bass. - Bill, revealing how he entertained the troops in Iraq
[TBSOWFMU - 5/13/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Volcano Suns - "Sea Cruise"
( Click here to e-mail Taang! about delivering those supposed TBOY and ANLP re-issues)
Witch - "Disappear"
( Click here to buy Paralyzed)
Tad - "Flame Tavern"
( Click here to buy the documentary Busted Circuits & Ringing Ears)
Scrawl - "Breaker, Breaker"
( Click here to buy He's Drunk)
Q And Not U - "Lil' Sparky"
( Click here to buy No Kill No Beep Beep)
We Ragazzi - "Being Alive Is Like Vandalizing"
( Click here to buy Suicide Sound System)
The Old Haunts - "Hurricane Eyes"
( Click here to buy Poisonous Times)
Hard Skin - "Desperation Street"
( Click here to buy Live and Loud!! & Skinhead)
Bonus Track:
Wellwater Conspiracy - "Born With A Tail"
Nu är det dags för oss att samlas och fira de saker vi gillar och tycker är kul:
May 16, 2008
Warm and mandatory.
Can't wait to see Kristen Wiig's reactions in the Target scene when the movie comes out.
May 13, 2008
Deicide 2008.
"Yeah, she's dead! She's not involved in this election. You goofball." -- Tom, informing Spike that hardcore feminist Andrea Dworkin will not impact the 2008 Presidential race
"You know, 'cause he's like an old-time Viking, he knows all the ways of the old-time Vikingery ways of, uh, murdering." -- Rodney from Newbridge, revealing why Hägar the Doo-Wopper easily disposed of a member of The Moonglows
"Show me a logo that's dumber than a leprechaun promoting a basketball team." -- Tom, denouncing the basketball-spinning, pipe-smoking, vest-wearing, shillelagh-wielding Celtics mascot
"We're skewing old. I gotta skew young. What am I going to do to skew young tonight? Grand Theft Auto, y'all! What up?!" -- Tom, getting things back on track after a diversion into doo wop, Wacky Packs, and Murphy beds
"That's kind of a metaphor for my life, actually. Bad onion rings at Holsten's." -- Ted Leo, encapsulating his existence via subpar Sopranos communion wafers
"Oh, I wish I was making up Disco Fries." -- Tom, lamenting the sad truth about New Jersey's take on poutine
[More to come.]
"Oh, come on! The wall's buckling, you idiot." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., expressing frustration at Mike's inability to squeeze him through the studio doorframe
"Oh, yeah. It's good when it ripens." -- ZB, touting the fermented egg salad atop a six-week-old submarine sandwich
"They're easier to hose out that way. We got them from the local horse racing track." -- ZB, explaining his decision to use metal buckets as serving vessels at his new Brimstead's eateries
"He beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund." -- ZB on Weird Walter's weapon of choice in the new Trent L. Strauss production
"That oil is oily, yeah. A lot of my lovers have complained about it." -- ZB on the extreme slickness of his preferred lubricant
"Thought Police in effect, here they are! Yeah. You're worse than Officer Harrups." -- ZB, condemning Tom for waving off the second verse of Napalm Death's anti-corporate screed, "Polluted Minds"
"Well, I'll make that headache go away right now! Answer me one question: Do ya love Deicide?" -- ZB, attempting to soothe Tom's pain with something from the Tampa, FL., death metal legends
"Maybe that guy there will sign my petition. He looked like a Nazi." -- ZB, considering a visit to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to get his 37th signature
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 5/6/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
King's X - "We Are Finding Who We Are" (for DfK)
( Click here to buy Faith Hope Love)
The Night Marchers - "Bad Bloods"
( Click here to buy See You In Magic)
Sloan - "Not A Kid Anymore"
( Click here to pre-order Parallel Play)
The Downsiders - "Goodnight Troll"
( Click here to visit Cole Marquis on the Myspace)
Thalia Zedek - "We Don't Go"
( Click here to buy Liars and Prayers)
Evangelista - "Truth Is Dark Like Outer Space"
( Click here to buy the Hello, Voyager)
The (F) Champs - "Lee Tom" (from "Second 7 inch")
( Click here to buy The F Champs Records)
Enslaved - "The Dead Stare" (for masterofsparks)
( Click here to buy Below The Lights )
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
May 12, 2008
May 2, 2008
Celloshame.
April 29, 2008
Philly Boy Paul.
"Actually, you must be listening down in Alabama. This line of mockery is not tracking." -- Tom, ending a riff about the Internet being unavailabe in the southern state
"Oh, it sounds great. It's like I'm gettin' crushed by the waves down at Barnegat." -- Philly Boy Roy, riding the reverb during his performance of "And We Danced"
"There will be slathering, why? Oh yeah, there will be squishing, too, yeah." -- Philly Boy Roy, detailing his plans for transferring Zachary Brimstead from his home to his Pacer
"He did hate me, actually. You know why? 'Cause I threw a stick of butter at him one night." -- PBR, explaining why "He Hate Me" hate him
"Ok, thought it'd be something else." - PBR, surprised to find out that San Francisco's XFL team was called the Demons
"Oh, Sahib, please just school me." -- PBR, requesting a lesson from renowned Yes scholar, Tom Scharpling
"Oh, yeah, I don't think we should have that. Because I don't think we should go in and get people's stems." -- PBR, stating his position on the controversial issue
"No, don't! Don't do it, host! The transformation is almost complete! I don't like it!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, begging Tom not to further Philly-ize him with Bill Conti's Rocky anthem
"You know what I hate about Apollo Creed?" -- PBR, asking PFT to pinpoint his aversion to Rocky's ring rival
"I think I know." -- PFT, realizing that Creed is an African-American man
"You know what's already turning me off on this? The YouTube still of it." -- Tom, approaching Meat Loaf's AT&T GoPhone commercial with extreme trepidation
"You know where I was? I was in Kensington whipping firecrackers at kids going to see the Dead Kennedys." -- PBR, indicating how he spent his leisure time in 1983
"Can I say one thing? Pimply. Kind of a turn-on. You're not wearing like Chuck Taylors without socks are ya? 'Cause that's the second big turn-on." -- PBR, revealing his skewed fontasy to Julie from Cincinnati
"A bellboy is a boy. Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady." -- PBR, setting Tom straight on Clue's singing telegramist
"You don't like Tarantino because you think that he's a smug creep." -- PBR, making an astute assessment of Tom's rejection of the filmmaker
"Who don't love a good SEPTA joke?" -- PBR, asking a question that has haunted Philadelphia comedians for decades
"Are you wearing the skin of the person who sold you those Chocolate Skittles?" -- Tom, inquiring about the attire of Wes, The Hillside Strangler
"I feel like I've got a lot to bring to this town." -- PFT, reluctantly tossing his finely-tailored suit into the ring
[TBSOWFMU - 4/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
The Replacements - "Perfectly Lethal"
( Click here to buy the Let It Be reissue)
Plastic Constellations - "Hardland / Heartland"
( Click here to buy We Appreciate You)
Busted Statues - "Red Clouds"
( Click here to visit Busted Statues on Myspace)
Bullet Lavolta - "The Gift"
( Click here to buy The Gift)
Northern Bushmen - "Neat, Neat, Neat" (The Damned cover)
( Click here to visit Northern Bushmen on Myspace)
Antietam - "Sink or Swim"
( Click here to buy Everywhere Outside)
Titus Andronicus - "My Time Outside The Womb"
( Click here to buy The Airing of Grievances)
Bike - "My Love My Life"
( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
April 28, 2008
April 22, 2008
Syrup Tissues.
"You think they'll get this one? Think they'll get it? A little clue: check you calendar. Check your calendar on this one. Check your calendar, and then maybe you'll get the joke." - Tom, dropping some hints about his timely spin of "Taxman"
"Oh, there's many more things I've done, but, you know, I figured I'd start with that." -- Leon Carbone, purging the guilt about a $20 paper route theft
"Not even gonna say what it's a stain of, just trust me. It was gross." -- Tom, declining to reveal a civilian gamer's complete filth handle
"I'd be shootin' down the bad guys left and right, flying all over doin' loops." - Tom, touting his (real) fighter pilot skills following a brief tutorial
"What if that was Heaven? What if you passed away, right, and all of a sudden you realized Heaven was Ridgewood, N.J.?" -- Tom, asking a caller to consider the possibility that he's already living in the holiest tract of God's Country
"Mike says he wrote vampire books. He's disputing your claim that he didn't write a vampire book. Mike says he wrote a book called Bleh Bleh." - Tom, informing Bonnie about Mike's (mis)understanding of Christopher Buckley's bibliography
"Where will you get the nice food from? A different city?" - Tom, wondering where Stephen in Chicago will get the good eats to entice him for a visit
"I thought it was comin' back when he said that AriZona Iced Tea was healthy because it was from Arizona." - Weirder Jon, waiting for Petey to go on another Hot streak
"You know the Rolling Thunder Revue? Mike was in that. He played kungas." -- Tom, informing a Dylan enthusiast about Mike's role in the traveling caravan
"My hands!!!!!! My hands!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! I can no longer weave magic!!" -- A professional gamer, breaking his fall -- and shattering his fontasies -- after slipping outside a McDonald's
"Wouldn't a Thermos be on the ultimate hot streak and cold streak?" -- Tom, striking topical gold with a vacuum flask
"I'm looking forward to it because I'm gonna rip Dr. Pepper off so much with that." -- Tom, getting very thirsty for some Chinese Democracy
"USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!" -- Tom, chanting for his country after a caller put the American dollar on a Cold streak in the international currency markets
"Wait, let me get this straight, you are DJ, yet you don't know who Black Sabbath is. Ok! Looks like I took you to school, no?" -- Newly-frocked Pablo Fontana, advising Tom on the value of the Ronnie James Dio era
"Well, you know, it gives me pleasure. It gives a lot of people various pleasures." -- Pablo Fontana, justifying his use of the controversial "apparatus"
"I think I know why. He is Nazi." - Pablo Fontana, speculating on the Pope's refusal to kiss the D.C. tarmac
"What about call screener Sherman? Will he be there? - Pablo Fontana, trying to line up guests for his four-hour Pancake Communion
"What is thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" -- Pablo Fontana, requesting a definition of the term "ecumenical"
"Lot of people talked the s hit about tu." - Pablo Fontana, noting that many Newbridge parishioners criticized Tom while in his confession booth
"Look, Michael Jordan would have no idea who I am, but if he met me, he'd see it. He'd see the aura. He'd give me the nod." -- Tom, explaining that greatness recognizes greatness
"That's right. I was waiting for somebody to say that! Why do you think I even did this stupid topic?" -- Tom, rejoicing after Jason put The Best Show on an eight-year hot streak
[TBSOWFMU - 4/15/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Dead Child - "Screaming Skull"
( Click here to buy Attack)
Turbonegro - "Get It On"
( Click here to buy Apocalypse Dudes)
Void - "Ignorant People"
( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)
The Faith - "Nightmare"
( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)
The Tokeleys - "Mausoleum" (from Sons of Horus)
( Click here to visit The Tokeleys' Myspace page [Also check out Ponce De Leon L.A.)
The Kyle Sowashes - "Korea"
( Click here to buy Yeah Buddy!)
Go Sailor - "The Boy Who Sailed Around the World"
( Click here to buy Go Sailor)
The Great Plains - "The Way She Runs A Fever"
( Click here to buy Length of Growth 1981-89)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
April 15, 2008
Stuff and Junk.
"If I walk outside, it's like a museum of rednecks, but we don't have a museum of cigarettes." -- Andy from Knoxville, filling Tom in on the local tourist attractions
"I hate men, and if I am President ..." -- Hillary Clinton, addressing primary voters last week outside a Wawa in Roxboro, PA
"Someone might want to check the books. Hoboken might be bankrupt." -- Tom, blowing the whistle on the city's corrupt comptroller after Mickey Dolenz was announced as the headler for the Arts & Music Festival
"You better not show up here next week in a Sgt. Pepper's outfit. I'll throw you off the roof." -- Tom, threatening Mike with bodily harm if he dons the blue satin suet
"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest
"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
Oh, Tom. All you wanted were bootlegs. Is that so much to ask for? I thought this was America? I got three copies of Gone Troppo, that doesn't entitle me? Bootleg guy got raided." -- Tom, lamenting his failure to score the good stuff
"My flame wasn't as big, but it had a bigger impact ... on my brain, anyway." -- Bryce, noting the potency of his alternate Olympic torch/bong
"Oh my God, now you're pointing a gun at me! Oh my God! No!" -- Bryce, begging for mercy from an old, white-haired man who is not Tom Scharpling
"Maybe he appreciates pageantry!" -- Tom, suggesting an alternative reason for Doddy's enjoyment of Busby Berkeley musicals
[More to come.]
"I said like 'damn' and stuff." -- Pudge, losing his cool after hitting his thumb with a hammer and stuff
"Well, it's like, it's like the seventh note of like this, I don't know, it's like, you know, of this scale, and there's like, you know, after like that note happens, there's like this, I don't know, there's this big desire like to kinda resolve to the tonic. You know, the tonic and stuff." -- Pudge, explaining a crucial fakeout in the second movement of Gustav Mahler's "Symphony No. 5 in C-Sharp Minor"
"It's just kinda like stupid stuff I do and stuff." -- Pudge, downplaying his renowned composing career
"Like a baby could run and stuff. I 'unno, I mean, if it, I 'unno, I guess if its dad said it was OK and stuff? Or its mom and stuff? -- Pudge, wondering if a Newbridge newborn could run for mayor with parental consent
"I don't know, probably like have you put to death and stuff." -- Pudge, tentatively announcing his first act in office
[TBSOWFMU - 4/8/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]
Lost Sounds - "Future Touch"
( Click here to buy the Future Touch EP)
Bad Times - "Listen to the Band"
( Click here to buy Bad Times)
Game Theory - "24" (from Real Nighttime)
Game Theory - "Make Any Vows" (from The Big Shot Chronicles)
Game Theory - "Chardonnay" (from Lolita Nation)
Game Theory - "Room For One More, Honey" (from 2 Steps From The Middle Ages)
( Click here to buy OOP Game Theory things)
The Pastels - "Empty House" (from the "Crawl Babies" 12")
( Click here to buy A Truckload of Trouble: 1986-1993)
Eat Skull - "No Intelligence"
( Click here to buy the "Dead Families" 7")
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
April 8, 2008
All Things Must Pass.
"Let's get this over with." -- Tom, deciding to get the party started after a 47-minute opening music set
"Oh, good. Drinking and radio don't mix." -- Julie, approving of Tom's sobriety
"I made fun of Mark & Mindy? You didn't like that? You didn't find my Mark & Mindy joke funny?" -- Tom, inquiring about Jerry from Boulder's rejection of his ribbing
"You don't sleep. You don't sleep! Stay haunted! You stay haunted by it! You don't think I'm haunted? I got the weight of the world on my shoulders!" -- Tom, unleashing a directive for a littlehearted boy
"The grandmother was irascible." -- Sleepy Jeff on Mindy's guff-averse music store boss
"I do, yeah, and then I'm fit as a fiddle for the rest of the day." -- Sleepy Jeff, touting the benefits of his 22.5 hours of shut-eye
"Oh my God, that's sick." -- Sleepy Jeff, appalled by Tom's meager 6 hours/night
"A guy can talk on the phone and drive at the same time -- I've got two knees." -- Sleepy Jeff, assuring Tom that he is still driving the bus
"They had that, yes, but they also did something in that that resulted in me." -- Jeep Cherokee Wilson, noting his parents unnatural "bangathon" in his namesake vehicle
"He looks so normal that he doesn't look human. That's how I picture Roger looking." -- J.C. Wilson, comparing Mike's appearance to the crime sketch of hijacker D.B. Cooper
"I mean, the things you could see." -- J.C. Wilson, pointing out a self-inflammatory advantage of being 3' 1''
"He ain't in the pros no more? What he gonna do now?" -- J.C. Wilson, pondering the future of the cocaine-addled slugger Barry Barnes
"What about the one that said you were gonna die during your show?" -- J.C. Wilson, asking Tom about the veracity of the vision of his death-by-harpooning
"Think about it. That's my art! Think about it. That's my installation." -- Tom, urging Erika from Baltimore to look deeper into his imminent death from side-splitting pain
"It's not the topic! You guys can't make up topics! Put 'em forth. 'Yeah, I heard the topic.' That's not the topic. You go call Herbie's house if you wanna to talk about first-world problems. That's not the topic. How dare you. Herbie. Guy's name's Herbie." -- Tom, fed up with a Philadelphia duo's attempts to run the show
"Wait'll you hear that one, Mike. 10:44, you're in for a big laugh. Brace yourself. Just get ready. You're probably still hearing when Jeep called right now, but some good stuff on the way." -- Tom, giving advance notice of some Tommert-based amusements
"You got James'd! YOU GOT JAMES'D! I JAMES'D JAMES! HOW'DYA LIKE THEM APPLES?! Actually, apples are not my favorite fruit, BUT NOW THEY ARE! YOU GOT JAMES'D, JAMES! YOU GOT JAMES'D!" -- Tom, turning the tables on the toupee-wearing troublemaker
"How could you pass on that combo: Schwimmer! Michael Ian Black!" -- Tom, questioning Paul from Staten Island's reluctance to pay to see Run, Fat Boy, Run at Hylan Boulevard's luxurious moviehouse
"Remember, Tom. Remember, Tom. Remember. Sunrise doesn't last all morning, Tom. Sunrise doesn't last all morning. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember that. All thing must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember ..." -- Tom, blowing the clouds away
[TBSOWFMU - 4/1/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Stevie Blue & Martina McBride - "I Left My Chocolate-Covered Heart in the Foothills of Los Altos"
( Click here to visit KFJC)
Psychedelic Horse s hit - "Rather Dull"
( Click here to buy Magic Flowers Droned)
Didjits - "Headless" (Dickies cover)
( Click here to buy the F the Pigs 7")
The Black and Whites - "Carlsbad"
( Click here to buy The Black and Whites)
Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds - "Bucket O' Trouble"
( Click here to buy Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds)
The Individuals - "Dancing With My Eighty Wives"
( Click here to pre-order the Fields / Aqua Marine reissue)
Dumptruck - "Wire" (dedicated to the departed The Wire section of the FOT Board)
( Click here to buy For The Country)
The Raymond Brake - "Philistine"
( Click here to buy Piles of Dirty Winters)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
April 7, 2008
The Wire scribe foiled by Filet-o-Fish! Developing ...
April 3, 2008
April 1, 2008
Coffin Talk.
"You know who's a huge classical buff? No one I know!" -- Tom, looking for actual fans and finding none
"No one get killed like that kid did in the movie. If you're gonna get killed, pay your pledge first. Let that be your final act of paying it forward." -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid the fate of young Haley Joel Osment until they do the right thing
"Wait. You mean Kim Fowley pulled a fast one on somebody? What? Hold on. He was less than honest? Are you sure it's the same Kim Fowley?" -- Tom, questioning the identity of a supposed scam artist at the Pan-American ticket counter
"That's the only band I really wanted to see besides Half Japanese and The Slits." -- Michael K of The Cynics, lamenting the scheduling conflicts that prevented him from seeing Hanson at SX
"Is this Beatle Bob? You're not Beatle Bob, are you?" -- Michael K, trying to identify the caller who took offense to his geographical zings
"Am I here? Is this my show? I thought it was. I'm gonna go home. Mike, let these two guys do the show." -- Tom, moving to the back of the bus during a steamrolling discussion of Southern cuisine
"How many teams do they have? And do they play in their robes, like the full robes?" -- Tom, inquiring about the representation and attire of the KKK squads entered in the Whirlyball Nationals
"It's gonna flop hard. It's gonna flop harder than the sweat pouring down James's forehead, loosening that cheap toupee of his." -- Tom, predicting the box-office fate of The Love Guru
"I'd like to slam his fingers in that desk drawer, maybe get him to wake up for once." -- Tom, rousing This American Life host Ira Glass from his terminal slumber
"Oh, good, it has 'Pipeline' on it." -- Paycheque, rejoicing in a choice Johnny Thunders import 10"
"Exactamundo." -- Greg from Baltimore
"They coulda used Mountain." -- Nate from St. Paul, proposing a suitable BOC alternative for the "More Cowbell" sketch
"Tom Starplin, I love you, but you gotta stop GOMPin' Lair-ee." -- A hopeless pupil, disappointing his mentor yet again
"That might make him the best kind of caller: the guy who brings the energy of someone who would curse, but doesn't curse." -- Tom, praising Sonny from JC's ability to walk the delicate line in his takedown of late-period Al Pacino
"Yeah, you sound stupid." -- Tom, detecting a lot of unintelligent callers during the "Coffin Talk" segment
"I don't build coffins, I shop for 'em." -- Tom, declining to respond to a question about the ideal wood for a sturdy construction
"My throat. My throat hurts so much. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore!" -- Tom, rising from the grave
"Apparently, you want it all. Apparently, you want to hear 'Layla' and get in-depth news coverage." - Tom, informing a caller that he's asking way too much of his classic rock radio station
[TBSOWFMU - 3/25/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Coffin Break - "Boxes and Boxes"
( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til the Stardust Motel)
Torche - "Across The Shields"
( Click here to pre-order Meanderthal)
Final Solutions - "In A Coma"
( Click here to buy Songs by Solutions)
The Marked Men - "Fix My Brain"
( Click here to buy Fix My Brain)
Monkeywrench - "Levitation"
( Click here to buy Gabriel's Horn)
Thee Headcoatees - "Just Like A Dog"
( Click here to buy Bozstik Haze)
Mission of Burma - "Progress"
( Click here to buy the Matador re-issues)
Lungfish - "Nation Saving Song"
( Click here to buy Love is Love)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
March 31, 2008
Get ready for a sharp increase in my jazz fills!
March 25, 2008
We Shall Never Surrender.
"They say don't talk too closely. I talk too closely! I do what I want. Best Show time! -- Tom, ignoring his CSB training on microphone proximity in order to Bring It
"Where's my All Things Must Pass? Where's mine? When do I do one? Where's my epic? Where's my titanic effort that stands the test of time. Where?" -- Tom, forgetting about his glorious body of work
"I'm not sure who's changed. Maybe we're meeting in the middle somewhere." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he and Spike ended up on a park bench reminiscing about the Chucky franchise
"He was doin' somethin' gay." -- Nate Hartley, explaining why Drake Bell was unable to appear in Drillbit Taylor
"If I look at my Myspace mood status, quixotic, I think. I'm up to the Q's, still tiltin' at windwills." -- Michael K from The Cynics, checking in from The Pitts by way of La Mancha
"People lookin' at me sideways like I get a piece of the pie. How dare you." -- Tom, scolding his colleagues for not parading him around like Cleopatra for his marathon triumph
"Oh, no, they're the main stuff. That's the main mahkets." -- Marky Ramone, claiming that Columbia, SC, and Raleigh, NC are in the top tier of Southern touring itineraries
"Oh, it's totally clean except for what actually happened." -- Marky Ramone, prefacing his tale of an emergency bathroom stop at a pock on the way back from Toad's Place
"Oh, why didn't I put this in the book, too? There was this one time when we were playing, I think it was in Houston, it was on Acid Eaters tour, and I don't know what was going on, but I kept dropping sticks all night. I must've dropped like seven of 'em." -- Marky Ramone, digging up some dirt for a non-electrifying conclusion to one of the best stories in Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life
"Why can't people keep his name straight? It's a very easy name to remember." -- Tom on the innoxuous Call Screener named Mike
"People want me to be like a butterfly. Whadda they put butterfiles in? Amber? Like I'm supposed to be preserved in December of 2007 forever." -- Tom, letting Juno go
"Hey, everyone, cool out on the Internet." -- Toptouringcomic Todd Barry, calling for some decorum after a flurry of harsh comments from dorm room tough guys
"You don't wanna see 33 bands in one day and not shower?" -- Todd Barry, wondering why Tom has no interest in attending SX
"That would be very exciting. He's very funny." -- Tom, looking forward to Todd Barry's comedic collaboration with Max Weinberg
"If Christ showed up and started talking, you kinda can get the point after two hours of anyone." -- Tom, getting into the whole (relative) brevity thing
"Chappelle's goin' long, tell Nancy to stay there. We'll give her another $6." -- A SF Punchline waitress, working overtime for a marathon set
"Oh, I was gonna do this great cheese joke. Not that I would ever talk about cheese, 'cause I'm a political comic." -- Todd Barry on the perils of burned premises when performing deep into a multi-act bill
"You don't listen to Robert Johnson all day like I do?" -- Todd Barry, questioning a caller who prefers more modern music and comedy
"Not only was it a dirty show, it was like the filthiest show I've seen in a long time. I mean, everything you could possibly think of in terms of sexual acts was mentioned." -- Todd Barry, noting the ribald nature of the recent Julie & Jackie show attended by two little girls
"I live off of plant scraps." -- Swiss Miss, Todd Barry's sole female fan, revealing her source of Spokane sustenance
"Our sleaze is sleazier than their sleaze. They start doin' their sleaze, we out-sleaze them." -- Tom, celebrating another NJ victory over NYC courtesy of a bored skee-ball technician
"Like The Lockhorns on crystal meth?" -- Tom, pondering the domestic tumult of Richard and Julie from Cincinnati
[TBSOWFMU - 3/18/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Todd Barry - "Old Navy, Short Shop"
( Click here to buy From Heaven [also available in the Gospel section at f.y.e.])
Jucifer - "Window (Where The Sea Falls Forever)"
( Click here to buy L'autrichienne)
Rocket From The Crypt - "Pigeon Eater"
( Click here to buy RIP)
Small 23 - "Noodles"
( Click here to buy Small (23) stuff)
The Oblivians - "Mary Lou"
( Click here to buy Play 9 Songs With Mr. Quintron)
Birds of Avalon - "The Reeds"
( Click here to buy the Outer Upper Inner EP)
Big Dipper - "Life Inside The Cemetery"
( Click here to buy Supercluster: The Big Dipper Anthology)
Dodos - "Undeclared"
( Click here to buy Visiter)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
March 21, 2008
You know how rare that is?
RIP HARP
March 18, 2008
Wax On / Wax Off.
"He's like Adam Sandler a little bit, but not as good." -- Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on elderly comedian and white-hott film star Andy Milonakis
"You like World War II? What side were you on? You know what side I was on? Allies." -- Tom, joining the Good Guys in the global fight against the Bad Guys
"Well, it's kinda the same thing -- buncha jerks livin' all together. Yeh. Stinkin' up the place." -- Philly Boy Roy, refusing to distinguish between New York and New Jersey
"The Vet, you dunce. Philadummy. You're still a Philadummy after all these years." -- Philly Boy Roy, marveling at Tom's continued lack of knowledge about his beloved city
"I like vodka because it looks like wutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, finding a clear liquid he can enjoy without being readily detected
"No, it's when you don't got no money to pay for that stuff. For love sessions." -- PBR, explaining his impending Chapter 8 bankruptcy filing due to excessive credit card expenditures at Dockside Dolls
"I haven't procured a copy, but I will." -- Philly Boy Roy, suggesting a non-traditional acquisition of the buzzworthy new CD by The Hooters
"Shut up. I'll Shyamalan all over your face ... and your groin." -- Philly Boy Roy, threatening violence via the less-talented filmmaking brother
"How?! He takes just a normal phone call and weaves it into magic!" -- Kamal, contemplating the envious skills of his more-talented phone prank partner
"Guy's like vanilla ice cream laying out in the sun. Billy Crystal, he's like 5' 4" of vanilla ice cream." -- Tom, denouncing the soft-serve, one-day Yankee
"So it was like Adam-12 with cursing?" Tom, asking Mike to compare The Wire to other cop shows
"Does he look orange when you watch that show? I think they use like weird filters. His face looks orange every time I go past that show." -- Mike the Associate Producer, trying to figure out David Caruso's odd hue on CSI:Miami
"If Ratatouille taught us anything, it's that the average rat will eat anything." -- Tom on the unsophisticated pallets of movie theater rats
"The place you stayed, were people hiding suitcases full of money in the heating ducts. Was there a guy walking around with a cow killer?" -- Tom, determining whether John Junk's accomodations started with an "H" or an "M"
"You're gonna have to pretend to be ya brotha!" -- Tom as late-period Sir Anthony Hopkins, informing Chris Rock that he's about to go undercova in the Joel Schumacher classic, Bad Company
"You know what, I think it's time for Eric Idle to go shop for a coffin." Tom, adopting the persona of a ghoul from Charleston
"Think about the cats, people. Think about the cats!" -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid political commentary when LOLcatting
"Whaddya say to those people out there who say that your show might be a little lame, your comedy bits are, I don't know, old hat, your listeners are stupid, and that you in particular alternate between being an insufferable bore and an insipid loudmouth bully?" -- Linus, asking Tom to respond to some very harsh criticisms he found online
"Oh my god, that's so unintentionally hilarious." -- Linus, taking delight in the absurdity of the ancient cars and stupid wall phones depicted in The Karate Kid
"Well, we don't give ourselves 10s. I gave us a 9.8" -- Linus, defending his journalistic integrity when reviewing his own band
"But I'm Linus, and I write for Shovel.com." -- Linus, crying/laughing over Tom's criticism of an unwieldy sentence in a Black Kids review
"He left Earth pretty much. You're gonna leave Earth, too." -- Linus, marking Tom for a stint in a monastery or a barging
[TBSOWFMU - 3/11/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Death Cab For Cutie - "Pictures In An Exhibition"
( Click here to buy Something About Airplanes)
Why? - "Fatalist Palmistry"
( Click here to buy Alopecia)
The Long Blondes - "Here Comes The Serious Bit"
( Click here to pre-order "couples")
New Bomb Turks - "Youngblood" (Thee Headcoats cover)
( Click here to buy Pissing Out the Poison: Singles and Other Swill)
Shudder To Think - "Pebbles"
( Click here to buy Get Your Goat)
Versus - "Bright Light"
( Click here to buy Dead Leaves)
White Hinterland - "Lindberghs + Metal Birds"
( Click here to buy Phylactery Factory)
The Feelies - "What Goes On" (The Velvet Underground cover)
( Click here to buy Only Life)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
March 11, 2008
The Love Pit.
"Fontasies." -- Matthew "Fluxblog" Perpetua, correcting Pseu on the pronunciation of his pledge card ode to Gene
"We gotta keep Mike's phone busy, 'cause otherwise he's gonna start telling August about weird movies, and we don't want that to happen." -- Tom, trying to thwart corrupting Lukas Moodysson and Werner Herzog dissertations with pledges
"Amoeba, very nice store. Very hard to shoplift from that store. Very hard." -- Tom on the tight security at the West Coast independent music retailer
"Jerry Reed is doing The Iceman Cometh down there now, so anybody who wants to check that out -- it's really thrilling." -- Tom, recommending the Eugene O'Neill production at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Jupiter, FL
"I'm from the streets! Everything I learned I learned in back alleys, like around garbage cans with flames coming out of there like the beginning of Rocky." Tom, reiterating his slob bona fides in an appeal to the Common Man
"Fix that thing, nerds. Place is filled with nerds. Can't throw a rock without hittin' a nerd around here. Step up, nerds, fix that thing!" -- Tom, looking for prompt IT support after pledges set the computer ablaze
"I come in with the wind, I disappear in the morning mist." -- The Famous Flamer, detailing the oddly peaceful itinerary for his Weekend Sale-a-Thons
"My life is either awesome or horrible. I got no time for 74 degrees and clear. It's either gotta be blazin' hot and I'm on a skateboard, or it's snowin' and there's a Yeti comin' after me with a machine gun." -- The Famous Flamer, reveling in the extremes
"You know what's fair? Foghat at full volume -- that's fair!" -- The Famous Flamer, rejecting WFMU's indie garbage in favor of loud classic rock
"You can't unsee something like that." -- Tom on the horrific vision of a shirtless Jim Norton, the funniest comedian in New Jersey, submerged in a water tank at one of The Flamer's "salebrations"
"'Tumbleweeds' is slang for crank, right?" -- Patton Oswalt, confirming that Mac from Las Cruces was making a drug reference in his pledge comment
"I want to squeeze every cent out of everyone listening. We are not gonna hit 11 o'clock before I have shook all of you upside down by your legs, and the coins have fallen out." -- Tom, taking your lunch money and bleeding you dry
"He has this knife on his belt. It scares me. He sharpens it like on a leather strap." -- Tom, revealing Associate Producer Mike's weapon of choice
"Yes, we clap for Pitchfork! What're you worried about 7.5s? We clap! We get a 7.8 now." -- Tom, saluting the music website for their support
"... the life of kings." -- H. L. Mencken
[TBSOWFMU - 3/4/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Mott The Hopple - "The Journey"
( Click here to buy Brain Capers)
Sleater-Kinney - "Anonymous"
( Click here to buy Call The Doctor)
Be Your Own Pet - "Heart Throb"
( Click here to buy Get Awkward)
Negative FX - "The Few, The Proud"
( Click here to buy Negative FX/Last Rights)
Black Francis - "When They Come To Murder Me"
( Click here pre-order SVN Fngrs)
Sixteen Deluxe - "Babyheadrush"
( Click here to buy Backfeed Magnet Babe)
Superchunk - "Seed Toss" (live)
( Click here to buy Clambake Series Vol. 1: Acoustic In-Stores East & West)
Soft Machine - "We Did It Again"
( Click here to buy Vols. 1 & 2)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
March 4, 2008
Positive Vibration.
"I love Boston, I just don't love any of your sports teams. Or your horrible highways." -- Tom, clarifying his Beantown issues following a pledge from Christopher in Attleboro, MA
"Next call talks to a laaady. You're lonely and you want to talk to a laaady. 800-989-9368. Come on, dudes. First chance to talk to a lady without having to run it by your parole officer." -- Tom, sparking interest in male listeners during a scary lull where Hatch feared the Scratchy Record program would outdraw The Best Show
"I will wring every dollar out of everyone listening. You will not pay your rent! You will pay WFMU!" -- Tom, doing some cutthroat budgetary planning on behalf of his listeners
"'Cause your young and your cool. And it's the fact that you offered me coke in the bathroom. That actually was a tipoff." -- Tom, explaining how he knew Hatch lived in Cocaine Heights
"Most radio hosts wither like the leaves in autumn, but Tom Scharpling is an evergreen, bringing it every Tuesday night and draining the competition." -- Omar, Best Show Poet Laundromat, keeping things on target in his pledge comment
"Are you in that Duck Duck Goose League in McCarren Park? -- Tom, asking Hatch if he's on board with Brooklyn's latest recreational craze
"If you didn't pledge then, you know what? You got James'd, sir. You, madame, got James'd." -- Tom, sentencing tightwad listeners to the ultimate mutant attack
"I was feeling pretty iree, yeah, but then I just got mad. Then I started throwin' stuff." - Bryce, lamenting the reggae rage that crushed his lean-to
"Aw, come on, man, what's wrong with you people? Don't you want me to get ripped?" -- Bryce, wondering why listeners are not supporting his pledges-for-crippler campaign
"It already got signed for. Yeah, someone named ... Therese." -- Bryce, informing Tom that his crippler samples are in the building
"Hey, everybody. Call back and get your money back 'cause Tom won't smoke out with me." -- Bryce, urging pledgers to ask for refund due to Tom's refusal to puff
"Oh, Mike. Remember that? Those were the good times, when Super Dave Osbourne's face didn't look like one of the bad guys in I, Robot." -- Tom, reminiscing about the younger, less frightening visage of Mr. Einstein
"I gave blood today, but giving to WFMU is even more rewarding." - Eban from Rhode Island on his Two-for-Tuesday drainage
[TBSOWFMU - 2/26/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Dwight Twilley - "Money (That's What I Want)" (ripped from the original 1979 Arista promo 12" courtesy of Power Pop Pop-Pop's estate)
( Click here to visit the official DT website)
The Hex Dispensers - "H.D. Local 23"
( Click here to buy The Hex Dispensers)
The Mountain Goats - "Lovecraft in Brooklyn"
( Click here to buy Heretic Pride)
Dengue Fever - "Woman in the Shoes"
( Click here to buy Venus On Earth)
Nada Surf - "From Now On"
( Click here to buy lucky)
The Would Be's - "Funny Ha Ha"
( Click here to acquire Silly Songs For Cynical People)
Guv'ner - "Motorcycle Man"
( Click here to buy The Hunt)
The Takeovers - "Instigator"
( Click here to buy the Little Green Onion Man EP)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
February 26, 2008
Too Tuff To Break.
"I would have also paired up George Jones and a ticket refund counter." -- Tom, adding some visuals to the surreal "We Go Together" video montage
"Okay, write down your predilection and then you'll tell me what it is after I say what it is." -- Marky Ramone, challenging Tom to guess his big announcement
"You didn't say nothin' about the 1/8th notes on the high hat, how fast they are." -- Marky Ramone, lamenting an omission in Tom's critique of his drumming
"You do Marky Ramone's throat lozenges, you have the crystal-clear voice of Marky Ramone." -- Marky Ramone, promoting the latest product in his signature series
"You're just diggin' it deepah and deepah and deepah. And I'm gonna play hardah and hardah and hardah on your head." -- Marky Ramone, vowing to deliver a 2B beating for Tom's supposed insults
"He looked like he was turning into The Hulk. Like a Caucasian Hulk." -- Tom on Roger Clemens' transformation into a 'roid-raging monster at his landmark Congressional hearing
"You know, I don't hate Spike, but, I mean, I don't want to be considered an "us" with Spike." -- ROY '08 candidate Steve from North Hollywood, distancing himself from a less desirable member of The Best Showverse
"Jerky Boys, though? Really? The Jerky Boys. The Jerky Boys. I can't even expound on it. The Jerky Boys." -- Tom, digesting the rough comparison to the phone prank duo
"Oh, I just pulled up that site. Oh my God. He's not even a kid." -- Martin from Edison, getting his first honest-to-blob peak at the self-proclaimed Voice of the People
"Willy Wonka. That guy had some problems. First of all, how did that stuff clear inspections? Got those Oompa-Loompas, were they wearing gloves?" -- Tom, questioning the sanitation standards at the famous candy facory
"This guy looks like he ate The Gorch. That's how big that guy is." -- Tom, assessing the Brimsteadian girth of The Kid from Brooklyn
"The singer from The Smiths, you thought he was whiny?" -- Tom, trying to comprehend Lisa from Brooklyn's issues with Morrissey
"I keep thinking the bad guys will win in the end and take it all away, but somehow it all seems to keep working." -- Tom Scharpling, rejoicing in The New York Times
[TBSOWFMU - 2/19/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get the 2008 "We Did It Again" Fun Pack! T-shirt. Sticker. Brian Michael Palmer Weaver Neil Numberman poster. This one's for all the marbles. Tom is counting on you.**
Dust - "Pull Away/So Many Times"
( Click here to buy Hard Attack)
The Black Hollies - "Bruised Tangerines"
( Click here to buy Casting Shadows)
The Dirtbombs - "I Hear The Sirens"
( Click here to buy We Have You Surrounded)
CoCoComa - "Go Ahead"
( Click here to buy CoCoComa)
The Makes Nice - "When It's All Gone"
( Click here to buy This Time Tomorrow)
The Poster Children - "Jeremy Straight"
( Click here to buy Flower Plower)
Psycho and the Birds - "Hybertech Green"
( Click here to buy We've Moved)
Atlas Sound - "River Card"
( Click here to buy Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See
But Cannot Feel)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
February 13, 2008
The Needle and the Damage Done.
Dear Courageous Congressmen,
I am writing to salute your work in investigating whether or not Roger Clemens attended a party at the home of Jose Canseco 10 years ago. If it's not too much trouble, please send me an autographed, glossy photo of one of Mr. Clemens's alleged steroid-induced buttock abscesses. I want to hang it in my home gymnasium.
I look forward to Mr. Specter's upcoming hearings on whether or not that sad, hoodie-crazed ape spied on the Rams before that Super Bowl.
Thanks!
-o.
February 12, 2008
Drainage.
"Alright, this is the big one. This is the big one. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you tonight, Tom. All eyes. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. Let's do this! Let's just do it! That's enough!" -- Tom, gearing up for his latest battle v. everyone
"What? February? Whatever. You know how I am with that stuff -- I just go where I'm told." -- Tom, willing to accept that the Presidential election was taking place tonight
"I'm trying to set up, you know, some mystery that will never be solved, nor will it be remembered." -- PFT, explaining his decision not to reveal his take on the Best Caller award
"He looks like an uncaged ape on the sideline that they put a sweatshirt over. Get like a XXXXXL sweatshirt and put it on that monster." -- Tom on the terminally dour, subhuman Bill Belichick
"I look at him as my oxygen and that he lets me know that I can escape. He's my batteries. He's our batteries. It's not just me -- there's other people in the Spike Fan Club." -- Dylan Milford, supporting his personal Gandhi on behalf of the Los Angeles chapter
"I think we're gonna have to break up that batch 'cause I'm starting to want to go home now." -- Tom, looking for something positive after opening with the Saddest/Most Delusional awards
"I'm picturing myself getting robbed. Getting stabbed, arrested, I don't know what. They're all my DVDs, these are not stolen, but still my mind is racing." -- Tom, fontasizing during a harrowing Craigslist drop-off
"I guess it's a fine line with Mike. I think maybe it's domestic cinema that throws him. The Germans he's okay with." -- Best Best Show recapper Omar, contemplating Mike's rejection of the final scene of There Will Be Blood
"He just did what Hal Holbrook is doing for Best Supporting Actor, but for the award Most Pathetic Caller. The judges might have to look at the winner again on that." - Tom on James lobbying for his statuette
"I kinda pretend that I need it, but it's basically for slashing. Slashing and slicing. As you will see. And feel." -- Kip Palfner, renewing his award-winning razor cane threat against Tom
"I don't own a dog. I own dragons. They sound like dogs sometimes when they get very excited, kind of like you when your voice modulates." -- Gene Simmons, explaining the origins of the barking sounds that erupted during his call
[TBSOWFMU - 2/5/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Drive-By Truckers - "The Righteous Path"
( Click here to buy Brighter Than Creation's Dark)
King Khan & The Shrines - "Welfare Bread"
( Click here to buy What Is?!)
Warm Gun - "Broken Windows"
( Click here to grab the rest of this EP)
Mangapop - "Nowhere"
( Click here to buy the Kiss My Mouth single)
Bob Mould - "Who Needs To Dream?"
( Click here to buy District Line)
Black Mountain - "Angels"
( Click here to buy In The Future Deluxe Edition)
Magnetic Fields - "Drive On, Driver"
( Click here to buy Distortion)
Altered Images - "Happy Birthday"
( Click here to buy I Could Be Happy: The Best of Altered Images)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
February 5, 2008
Tom v. Everyone.
"This show's not about wallowing. This show's about soaring. Like an eagle." -- Tom, taking flight high above the union man
"Was that thing wreckin' Newark? Or Jersey City? Hoboken? No. No, we were sendin' the jets out to attack that thing. That was us. We're the good guys in this one." -- Tom, praising New Jersey's role in defending NYC against the Cloverfield monster
"Exactly. They got their chops over in uh ... in uh ... you know in uh ... in uh ... Dusseldorf." -- Tom, tracing the origins of supposed NYC band The Strokes
"Well considering the guy from the Del Vikings is 91 years old, I don't know how resistant he's going to be. I don't know how defiant he is these days." -- Tom, pointing out that a member of the group would likely be a suitably submissive bailiff for Dungeon Justice with Judge Spike
"That's a black mark on Mike's record tonight. Lettin' a faux Jerky Boy through, a Jerky Boy manqué. Is that how you say that word? Did I do that right?" -- Tom, criticizing the call screening with a rare lapse into egghead vocabulary
"It's these two guys, and they each take their faces off. And they trade faces, and then they play each other in it. Kinda like Freaky Friday with guns!" -- Face/Off scribes Mike Werb and Michael Colleary, bounding over narrative hurdles in The Making of Face/Off video game
"I called in last week, it wasn't a very successful call. Um, you called me a gorilla." -- Tom in Buffalo, looking for redemption and not finding it
"It's good. Why shouldn't you be able to lose your entire fortune from your home?" -- Tom, sticking it to the misguided online gambling worryworts
"Price Waterhouse? I'm gonna write this stuff out in a Panera Bread on Tuesday afternoon -- Tom, ditching the accounting giant for next week's Best Show Awards
"This game sounds fun. Wait, which one is fun again? The one where you want to gouge your eyes out?" -- Tom, assessing the entertainment value of the video game adaptation of a long-form Spalding Gray monologue
"Was that Robert Benchley who wrote that? That guy was good." -- Tom, praising the legendary humorist's script for Orca
[More to come.]
"Hey, Jeff, whaddya call a nun in a humidor?" -- Bob Saget, annoying Jeff Garlin with his debauched Hate Pit revelry
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 1/29/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Kelly Stoltz - "When You Forget"
( Click here to buy Circular Sounds)
Monochrome Set - "The Weird, Wild And Wonderful World Of Tony Potts"
( Click here to view the Wikipedia page for Love Zombies)
Cornelius - "Chapter 8 - Seashore and Horizon"
( Click here to buy Fantasma)
Throw Me The Statue - "Take It or Leave It"
( Click here to buy Moonbeams)
Wussy - "Sun Giant Says Hey"
( Click here to buy Left For Dead)
The Selmanaires - "Just To Get YR Love"
( Click here to buy The Air Salesman)
Effigies - "Body Bag"
( Click here to buy Remains Nonviewable)
Wipers - "Can This Be"
( Click here to buy the Wipers box set)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 29, 2008
The Devil and Arte Johnson.
"Yeah, I remember when she did that in 2005. It was a scandal. She's done 85 things since then. You're still mad about Offense #2?" -- Tom, informing Spike that the "fool woman" Spears has moved well beyond unbuckled kids
"I don't want to say my 'excuse', but that's what has led me to these, you know, kinda outbursts I outbursted when I was on your show before." -- Ken Rogers, attributing his foulmouthed non-interviews to his Tri-Polar Situation
"I loved it when Anna Nicole Smith died. It was awesome -- it was like, is it murder or what?" -- Julie from Cincinatti, reveling in true-crime celebrity gossip
[More to come.]
"The ladies of Newbridge had the most comfortable feet in the entire Tri-Bridge quad. And as we all know, it ended up becoming a den of foot perversion." -- Kurt Gaisburn, lamenting what became of Lady Foot Locker in the Edgar Ploppleton's era
"There's some charity in it also. We buy hot dogs for some of the poorer kids in town." -- Kurt Gaistburn, explaining the community outreach aspect of his Drugboro Pee-Wee slapfighting sponsorship
"At that point, Tom, honestly, he was taking 63 different pills, 23 of which were of his own making." -- Kurt Gaistburn on Captain Donut's outrageous pharmaceutical cocktail at the time of his rooftop hostage situation
"The chocolate is still there 'cause that's good. Children love chocolate." -- Kurt Gaistburn, keeping a beloved treat on the school lunch menu
"When I was a kid I used to ride my bike up and down Muffler Row without worrying about getting hit with bricks or getting guns thrown at me. That's not the case these days though, is it Tom?" -- Keith Gaistburn, recalling a more peaceful Newbridge youth
"I swear to God, you can hear his fat rolls just rippling when he talks. It's so disgusting. -- Kurt Gaistburn, informing his campaign manager about Tom's audible girth
"It was all I could do to hold down my wasabi-braised beef medallions -- it was that sick." -- Kurt Gaistburn, getting nauseous at the sight of a kid riding around in an old, banana-seat bike
And I swear, if you tell anybody, you're gonna be on the heart-stoppage list on Sunday. -- Kurt Gaistburn, threatening the Pharmacist-On-Duty at Drugville if he reveals the plot to poison Tom
"Uh, hello. Yes, this is ... what, you're name is Serge Gainsbourg?" -- Paul F. Tompkins, confusing Kurt Gaistburn's name with the French singer-songwriter
"You can't tell me that you've never fallen asleep to the whooshing and thud sounds." -- Kurt Gaistburn, attempting to get PFT to admit that he's used the Davies device
[TBSOWFMU - 1/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Squeeze - "Cat On A Wall" (from the Packet of Three 12")
( Click here to visit the Packet of Three fansite)
The Late Show - "Take A Chance"
( Click here to read a blurb on Portable Pop)
The Shirts - "Too Much Trouble"
( Click here to read the AMG review of Inner Sleeve)
The Act - "The Long Island Soul"
( Click here to read the Trouser Press entry for Too Late At 20)
Gaunt - "Sister Transistor"
( Click here to buy Kryptonite)
Treepeople - "Funnelhead"
( Click here to buy Something Vicious for Tomorrow/Time Whore)
Grifters - "Bronze Cast"
( Click here to buy Crappin' You Negative)
Monster Magnet - "Twin Earth"
( Click here to buy Judd Apatow's Superjudge: 24 Hours in the Life of Red Bank Rocker David Albert Wyndorf)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 24, 2008
Z-Boy.
"There's a moment in Heath Ledger's far too short, sometimes brilliant film career that makes me so teary eyed, so filled with wistful emotion, that no matter how many times I watch it, I'm still taken aback by its deceptively simple power. No, it's not a scene from Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain (his transcendent performance there makes me weep -- for more obvious reasons); rather, it was his final scene in Catherine Hardwicke's Lords of Dogtown, that underrated skater picture featuring one of Ledger's most poignant performances." -- Kim Morgan
January 22, 2008
Life is Beautifuoco.
"We miss you, Mort. We miss you. The world is a quieter place without you, and a less smoke-filled place." Tom, eulogizing the dearly-departed, nicotine-addled, toothy-grinned social commentator
"You know what?" -- Tom, asking Julie from Cincinnati if she knows
"Nope." -- Julie from Cincinnati, answering concisely, honestly, and hilariously
"The scariest words in the English language are 'music and lyrics by Mel Brooks.' It gives me like newfound respect for the restraint of the Zucker brothers." -- Julie Klausner, lamenting the lack of musical craft on display in the regrettably DIY Young Frankenstein
"It has really good acoustics." -- Petey, praising his high school's coffee-free coffeehouse venue
"In that guy's mind he thinks that it's funny that he's being so unfunny, but it's really just sad that he thinks that he's being funny because he's being so annoying and unfunny." -- Tom, explaining the skewed comedic vision of the mutant James
"The best kind of food is the kind of food where you get a penny back when you hand a person a single." -- Tom, shortly before GOMPing an animule for feasting on the sick Taco Bell cuisine
"It. got. worse." -- Julie Klausner, reporting on Act II of Young Frankenstein via text message
"Yeah, things went a little, uh, pear-shaped there, as they say over in Old ... whadda they call it? Old Blighty or Blimey? It's Blimey, right? -- Matthew Tompkins, attempting to use British slang to describe the tumultuous end to his tenure at ABC Television
"I mean, who needs all that scripted garbage. It's a waste of time, if you ask us." -- Matthew Tompkins, damning the WGA writers to hell on a coffee cup and a thermidor
"But between you and me ... Vance's gut was wrong on that one. And about 42 other judgments." -- Matthew Tompkins on the wrongful convictions coming from the bench of the unqualified Vance Asimov
"Guess what we did to him in the parking garage? We put electrodes on his pippin, and let 'er rip." -- Matthew Tompkins, revealing the shocking fate of an unwilling Tough Now contestant
"Well, it's kinda got the hint of the word 'beautiful' in it, which I think is totally aproposs." -- Matthew Tompkins, approving of television star Joey Buttafuoco's more elegant pronunciation
"He does this one character where he pretends to be like a complete, muscle-bound idiot. It's hilarious." -- Matthew Tompkins, marveling at Hulk Hogan's improv comedy chops
This guy's Q. Is through. The roof. His Q-rating." -- Matthew Tompkins on the quantifiable awesomeness of "Macho Man" Randall Savage
"You should be cheering like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, or at the very least, a Cleveland Browns cheerleader." Matthew Tompkins, providing a gauge for the appropriate amount of enthusiasm Tom should have for his programming ideas
"If you have a bandanna, I would put it in my mouth to like, you know, clench down on. That way you don't look like too much of a p when you're gutted." -- Matthew Tompkins, offering Tom some advice for the climactic scene of To Hunt, Gut and Kill a Slob
"If you see anyone, Mike, resembling an international assassin, don't let them in the building." -- Tom, trying to steer clear of Boris, Thor, and Pablo
"His quirk is alcoholism." -- Mike, fleshing out The Wire's Jimmy McNulty for Tom
[TBSOWFMU - 1/15/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
The Get Up Kids - "Ten Minutes"
( Click here to buy Something To Write Home About)
Blood On The Wall - "Turn Around and Shut Up"
( Click here to buy Liferz)
Les Savy Fav - "Pluto"
( Click here to buy 3/5)
Times-Herald Times New Viking - "The Early '80s"
( Click here to buy Rip It Off)
Graham Day and the Gaolers - "Part Time Dad"
( Click here to buy Soundtrack To The Daily Grind)
The A-Lines - "Four"
( Click here to buy You Can Touch)
The Busy Signals - "Matter Of Time"
( Click here to buy Busy Signals)
Carbonas - "Frustrate Me"
( Click here to buy Carbonas)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 17, 2008
Deceptively Delicious!
Look for the Julie Klausner/Elayne Boosler "Funny Foxes '08" tour to hit the Southeast this spring.
January 16, 2008
January 15, 2008
Sweeney Tom: The Demon Barber of Velndonom Way.
"That's my brotherhood? No! That's not my brotherhood. I gotta be a smaller fish in a bigger pond. It's time." -- Tom, swimming away from his pajama-clad peers in 2008
"I hit the wrong button! I hit the wrong button! The year's gonna be a disaster now!" -- Tom, ushering in the New Year with a not-so-supercaller
"I've never met him, but he doesn't come across as a very savory character." -- Dave from Knoxville, enrolling Spike in a new club
"Hey Eddie and Sophie, Daddy's got one coming out to you, some La Düsseldorf going out to Eddie and Sophie, coming right at you from WFMU!" -- An elated caller, dedicating Asia's "Heat of the Moment" to his two children
"I'm fine. I'm the one bringin' it. I'm trapped. Trapped. Apparently I'm doing the show from Arkham Asylum somehow." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he ended up in the DC Universe psych ward
"I'm the victim. I saw Death to Smoochy." -- Tom, zinging a belligerent and employed Jon Stewart
[More to come.]
"I've got one thing to say to yez: Happy Belabored Hoagie Days, Tom!" -- Philly Boy Roy, making a triumphant return to the show
"I had to rent a huge oice chest to keep 'em fresh." -- Philly Boy Roy on the storage solution for his 232 Christmas gifts
"We had like a little bit of string, it's kinda like a rope, you know, to keep people away, to keep the children away." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the sole safety precautions for his New Year's M-80 bomb raid
"That boy sure does have a smooth tongue." -- Philly Boy Roy, embracing his son's ability to seduce local law enforcement officials to surrender their clothing and firearms
"It's kinda like that Charles Bronson movie Hard Times, but for kids. I'm the ref!" -- Philly Boy Roy on his son's violent television project
"Are you okay? Ok, because I forgot to ask you if you was strapped in and helmeted." -- Philly Boy Roy, making sure Tom was not injured by his candicacy
"That's how we do it in Philly. Every two weeks." -- Philly Boy Roy on his city's eccentric bathing habits
"Like a mitten, like you put on your hand? Oh. my. God." -- Philly Boy Roy, expressing shock at the name of one of his fellow Republicans
"I like-a this guy ... Roy. He is good guy." -- Borat Oblama, stumping for Philly Boy Roy's candidacy
"He's nuts" -- Rhoda Ziegler (off-air) on Tom's bizarre statements during her husband's call
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 1/8/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
The Daily Void - "Die Stiletto"
( Click here to buy Identification Code: 5271-4984953784-06564)
Sonic Chicken 4 - "Shalalalalove"
( Click here to buy Sonic Chicken 4)
New Salem Witch Hunters - "Falling"
( Click here to buy New Salem Witch Hunters)
The Othermothers - "Rodeo" (from the 1986 Welcome to Comboland compilation)
( Click here to visit the Return to Comboland website)
Guv'ner - "Anything"
( Click here to buy Spectral Worship)
Grover - "Superhero"
( Click here to buy My Wild Life)
Brad Laner - "Alambres"
( Click here to buy Neighbor Singing)
Alcest - "Souvenirs D'un Autre Monde"
( Click here to buy Souvenirs D'un Autre Monde)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Continue reading "Sweeney Tom: The Demon Barber of Velndonom Way." »
January 12, 2008
Everything is personal.
Also: The Metal Men.
January 8, 2008
New Sensations.
I thought it was a Tim & Eric sketch.
[via "boost ventilator"]
Chinese Food, Maker's Mark, and Me.
[Quotes stricken by WGAE President Michael Winship. He did allow me to replace them with a picture of a hot cup of tea, which you can see below.]
UPDATE: I just cleared one quote (thanks, Worldwide Pants Incorporated!):
"It's Jesus' birthday, but the tea is still too hot." -- Seth Galifianakis
[TBSOWFMU - 12/25/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians of the British Empire - "A Quick One (Pete Townsend's Christmas)" (for the soon-to-be-sued Samir!)
( Click here to buy Christmas 1979)
Thee Headcoats - "Reindeer Are Wild"
( Click here to buy Heavens to Murgatroyd Even! Its Thee Headcoats! (Already))
Redd Kross - "Super Sunny Christmas"
( Click here to buy Santa's Got A GTO: Rodney On The ROQ's Christmas)
Shalini - "December Rose"
( Click here to buy The Surface and the Shine)
Statehood - "Transfixed"
( Click here to buy Lies and Rhetoric)
Bottomless Pit - "Dogtag"
( Click here to buy Hammer of the Gods)
Mekons - "Last Dance"
( Click here to buy Fear and Whiskey)
The Pogues ft. Kirsty MacColl - "Fairytale of New York"
( Click here to buy If I Should Fall from Grace with God)
Bonus Track:
The Scorpions ft. Werner and Rutager - "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
January 6, 2008
Falling Off The Bone.
"I really hope David's gonna pay for all this with some of that Alvin money."
[via Aziz's "new" Tumblr-based (food?) blog.]
Bananas.
January 4, 2008
Billy Ray Corgan.
December 29, 2007
December 26, 2007
On-site.
[via GF.]
Listless Rumination.
"Maybe Cate Blanchett could play Eli?"
December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas to yez.
And Happy Holidays to Roy (already passed out after washing down a TastyKake Butterstotch Krimpets and Peanut Chew "salad" with a case of Yuengling Black & Tan), Rhoda, Rhoda, Jr., Little Royda, and even Roy, Jr. Hopefully he didn't get bed-slapped last night!
December 24, 2007
Me better send telegram.
December 13, 2007
December 8, 2007
Happy Hanukkah.
December 5, 2007
Danzig V: How the Gods Govern.
"I threw up writing it, and Trent threw up reading it, and the guy who made the copies of it -- he threw up while he was making the copies of it. It's so sick." -- Glenn Danzig on the vomit-inducing adaptation of his The Flesh Devourers comic
"I think I could really do a lot for that crappy town." -- Glenn Danzig, catching the Newbridge political fever
"No, Doyle's not a teacher. It would be someone who's actually qualified." -- Glenn Danzig, dismissing Tom's assumption that he'd employ his former Misfits bandmate in his new mentoring program
"At night, they'd come to Lodi High to play some basketball, and the place would just stink to low Hell." -- Glenn Danzig, reminiscing about his encounters with the Newbridge "sewer monkeys"
"I don't want to contribute to Tina's, you know, whatever, delinquency. I'll let her figure that out herself when she's 12 or something." -- Glenn Danzig, deciding against getting his eight-year-old niece a Bratz doll for Christmas
"Or before. Or during! I come off stage several times to change." -- Glenn Danzig, giving Tom plenty of options for having a beer at the KernDome show
[TBSOWFMU - 11/27/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Drive Like Jehu - "New Math"
( Click here to buy Yank Crime)
Imperial Teen - "Lipstick"
( Click here to buy What Is Not To Love)
Coffin Break - "Pop Fanatic"
( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til The Stardust Motel)
Bloodsport - "Mettle of Man"
( Click here to buy the I Am Game EP for $126!)
Sorry - "One More Step"
( Click here to get the Bands That Could Be God: The CONFLICT Compilation)
The Capstan Shafts - "'Lauren Behold' (A Discussion with a Stripper Over Canadian Style Health Care)"
( Click here to buy Her Versus The Sad Cold Eventually)
Big Red Bus - "Cathedral Walls"
( Click here to buy The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 1 )
Guided By Voices - "Of Mites and Men"
( Click here to buy Earthquake Glue)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
November 30, 2007
Personalise your gift.
[via SpoutBlog.]
November 29, 2007
The King.
November 27, 2007
A Decade Under the Influence.
VOTE RONALD THOMAS CLONTLE FOR MAYOR OF NEWBRIDGE!
"Every time I go into myyyyy dungeon, The Orioles are playing in McCarren Park ..." -- Tom, serenading the Man From Another Era
"I know, it drives me nuts how popular Metallica are now with kids." -- Tom, joining Spike in his disgust at the heavy metal favorites
"A denim salesman wouldn't dress a mannequin in denim as much as he was dressed in denim that day at Altamont." -- Tom, criticizing Marty Balin's attire at the infamous 1969 concert
"Are these the best songs to work out to or is he just literally listing the Wayne's World 2 soundtrack?" -- Tom, speculating on the source of Jeff Pearlman's ultimate workout mix
"They gave me a huge advance, which, I'll be honest, I blew on coke and ... well ... coke." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, snorting his Rock, Rot & Rule loot
"And I also said that he joined The Chieftains, and I also said that he killed his mother." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, playing loose with Larry Mullen, Jr.'s biography
"No, actually they called me 'The Conductor' because I used to orchestrate these elaborate sex scenes that I'd film at parties, and I use them to blackmail people." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle on the origins of his seemingly cocaine-themed nickname
"I like the Brian Setzer Orchestra just fine, but I'm more into rock and pop." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, explaining that he's not a big jazz fan
"Oh, you mean like Big Spider-Man?" -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, confusing 1920s jazz pioneer Bix Beiderbecke with the webbed, Civil War-era superhero
"He's kinda weird-looking actually. He's small, but he looks like he could be either 12 or 47." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle on a young or old Dom Scharpling
"'Rock' comma 'Rot' and, in parentheses, 'he will' out of parentheses 'Rule' back into parentheses 'You' comma 'Newbridge' close parentheses. It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?" -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, revealing his catchy Newbridge mayubernatorial slogan
"I think everyone should be able to smoke wherever and whenever and whatever they want." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, bucking public opinion for a bold pro-smoking platform
"My first act is gonna entail you being drawn and quartered. Count on it! Yep, just gotta find the right artist first." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, vowing to ink Tom's inagural beating
"Get ready to swim, cause it's gonna be fun, except for the part where you drown." -- Ronald Thomas Clontle, pointing out one downside to the annual Turkey Pancake Fun Swim
"Yeah, hey, I've got this candy bar. It's made out of gravel, filth, dirt, and rocks. But it's magical!" -- Tom, concocting a confection to go with Citizen Cope's folk, blues, reggae, and R&B smoothie
"What is this, the Michael Winslow Invitational?" -- Tom, halting a techno impression-off after one round of competition
"Let me tell you something: I'm not nuts. I'm crazy, but I know I have great songs." -- Stevie Blue on his potential for national stardom
"Yeah, that haircut. Felt like I was at that Sonics show a few weeks ago." - Tom on Anton Chigurh's garage-rocker 'do in No Country for Old Codger
"I've been at places where they've offered salt. They had a salt lick, and the guy had a hunting knife. Admittedly, I was eating on a farm." - Tom, countering a caller who's enraged by waiters offering freshly-ground pepper
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 11/20/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Kay Hanley - "Spin Around" (for Jeff Pearlman!)
( Click here to buy Music From the Motion Picture Josie And The Pussycats)
DMZ - "Mighty Ida"
( Click here to buy DMZ)
Major Stars - "Can't End Today"
( Click here to buy Mirror/Messenger)
Dillinger Escape Plan - "Milk Lizard"
( Click here to buy Ire Works)
The Misfits - "We Bite"
( Click here to buy The Misfits - Box Set)
Corrosion of Conformity - "Eye For An Eye"
( Click here to buy Eye For An Eye (Plus Six Songs With Mike Singing))
Chisel - "The Unthinkable Is True"
( Click here to buy set you free)
Dolly Mixture - "Angel Treads"
( Click here to watch a live performance of "Been Teen")
"Now is the time for us to band together and fight for the things that we like and think are fun." -- Winston Churchill
November 23, 2007
Complicated Drum-Rolling Technique.
It's that time of year again! An Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas-related Recidivism blog post! Best. blooper. reel. ever:
Brave the Black Friday crowds at Frogtown Commons and pick up the Collector's Edition DVD. Then download the soundtrack!
November 20, 2007
James Run Free.
"My goal would be someday to get a Leroy Neiman painting of myself, and hang it at the steakhouse I will have bought by then." -- Tom, wishing for some semi-abstract dining room decor
"I don't think I've read any Mark Twain since I was in school, but I have read four Henry Rollins tour diaries since then. I've read 1,000 pages of Henry Rollins." -- Tom, getting in the van instead of boarding the raft
"What's the guy doing a roast? What is he, Lisa Lampanelli? Roasting the customers?" -- Tom, trying to figure out the MO of a sassyFriars ClubApplebee's waiter
"I love the show so much that I want to ruin it." -- A twitchy, sweaty James, explaining his mutant behavior in the Metropolitan Pavillion warsh room
"Is it Lenny and Squiggy? Is that where they got that from? From Of Mice of Men? I can't remember. I don't pay attention to that stuff -- it's old." -- Tom, wondering if the sitcom greasers sprung from the pages of the Steinbeck novel
"The guy's going around the bases, you think he's Lou Brock. The guy was 410 pounds." -- Tom, asking technology to slow down the Brimsteadian Bambino to his actual home run gait
"I mean, that's who I would feel sorry for -- the elf who's on wagon duty up there. Building rocking horses. That elf is in trouble. That elf is out of work now. " -- Tom, lamenting the plight of Santa's craftsman in a modern world
"What're you wearing an ascot? I can hear your ascot over the radio." -- Tom, detecting the sartorial sounds of a Criterion enthusiast
"It's a monumental slice of Americana." -- Gene Simmons on the significance of the song he co-wrote with Bob Dylan
"Oh my God, so that's like a decree of yours, or what? Coming from down on high, I guess." -- Gene, inquiring about Tom's decision to not play any Kiss records
"You're such a judger. It's like you're one of those people that creates nothing, yet judges all." -- Gene, firing back at Tom for questioning his Gold record certifications
"Lesson #1, Chet, never get married. You can have a wonderful home life and still ---- ---- - ----- as much as you want." -- Gene, offering some interpersonal advice to his GST business partner
"You know, I would ask you to be my campaign manager, but I hate you." -- Gene Simmons, denying Tom a spot on his mayubernatorial team
"Tom, it's okay to be jealous. I welcome your jealousy. I actually revel in it." -- Gene, celebrating his overstuffed wallet at Tom's expense
"You can take that to the bank. Not my bank, of course, they would never let you in the door. They'd laugh you out of it." -- Gene Simmons, directing Tom to cash his threat to turn WFMU into a car wash at a less prestigious financial institution
"Get ready. Heads will roll. Well, I should say head will roll. Yours." -- Gene Simmons, preparing Tom for an axe bass decaptiation
"You truly are sick, and you really do scare me. The only thing that doesn't worry me is that I know I could knock you out with one punch. You're very frail." -- Tom, preparing James for a KO
"You don't like it? Why not? It's just OK? It's pumpkin pie! It's The Wire of pies. It's pumpkin pie, it's so good." -- Tom, informing Mike of the proper pie hierarchy
"They don't even know what a can opener is. And I like that kind of ignorance." -- Andy from L.A. on the blissful freshness of Paquito Mas
"If the act of picking at a scab could be a human, that's what he would be." -- Tom on the personification of Coagulating James
"Maybe the one guy has the power to put you to sleep, and the other guy has the power to keep you asleep." -- Tom on the superheroic powers of rhythm section of the rock group U2
"Dutch is gonna be like George Carlin, but with less jokes." -- Tom, making a push for the Mark TwainComedyHumour Prize
[TBSOWFMU - 11/13/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Warwick - "Let's Get The Party Going"
( Click here to buy Velvet Tinmine - 20 Junk Shop Glam Ravers)
BMX Bandits - "Top Shop Girl"
( Click here to buy C86-Plus)
The Brilliant Corners - "Friday Saturday Sunday Monday"
( Click here to buy Friday Saturday Sunday Monday)
Rocket from the Crypt - "Sturdy Wrists"
( Click here to buy Circa Now! (+4))
Fatal Flying Guilloteens - "Reveal The Rats"
( Click here to buy Quantum F**king (A Fictitious Real Life Account Of Young Love In The Streets))
Lynnfield Pioneers - "Add It Up"
( Click here to buy Emerge for 39 cents)
J Church - "Bomb"
( Click here to buy Camels, Spilled Corona and the Sound of Mariachi Bands)
Holy F**K - "Lovely Allen"
( Click here to buy LP)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
November 18, 2007
There Will Be Blood.
The Mountain Goats cover the Misfits with Glenn Danzig!
November 17, 2007
Ah! Tuna. Tuna Tuna Tuna.
November 15, 2007
November 13, 2007
Musical Thrones.
"It doesn't get any more coked-out than that. Just singing about coke spoons. Like they're not even trying to cleverly disguise it." - Tom on Humble Pie's monthlong descent into the pit of the Marriott
"Guy had everyone on the run. I can only imagine what it must have been like in that van, going cross-country with that lunatic." -- Tom on the volatile dynamic within the real Pavement ft. Gary Young
"People are very intimidated by the drums. When I show up to a gig they immediately, as soon as they hear me play, they walk away because they're afraid, they're afraid of the truth of rhythm." -- Jens Hannemann, instilling fear in his potential audience
"A lot of my students always quit after one lesson 'cause I think they have a lot to think about." -- Jens Hannemann, overwhelming his potential pupils
"There are many thrones and chairs in music. We can all create them or we can all sit in them." -- Sonny Rollins, imparting his wisdom on the correlation between sound and furniture
"They're not good at all. They're the worst group of them all. Too slow. Too slow. A really bad group." -- Jens Hannemann on Charlatan & Garfunkel
"Planet Earth is the ultimate drum circle, and I want to be the conductor of it." -- Jens, looking to lead a worldwide rototom symphony
"It's going to sound disgusting, but, you know, music is always for me like when you're with your partner physically. Your body does the same things. Lot of sweating, a lot of sweating." -- Jens on the similarity between the intensity of his drumming and his love-making sessions
"I played it for my 4-year-old nephew, who was crying so much from happiness." -- Jens on the strong audience reaction inspired by his 40-minute drum compostion about the troubles in Pakistan
"Spend all your money and buy the most expensive equipment you could ever find." -- Jens, giving some crucial advice to the novice drummer
"I don't have many friends, but I consider you now a friend, and, in a way, my best friend." -- Jens, forming a peculiarly strong bond with Tom during their first conversational jam session
"Music is like my daughter -- she always wants more ... food." -- Jens on the insatiability of his craft
[More to come.]
[TBSOWFMU - 11/6/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Boris with Merzbow - "Pink" (live)
( Click here to pre-order Rock Dream)
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - "Ghetto Mom"
( Click here to buy Juke Box Explosion (Rockin' Mid-90's Punkers!))
Trenchmouth - "Here Come the Automata"
( Click here to buy Trenchmouth Vs. The Light Of The Sun)
The Bongos - "Three Wise Men"
( Click here to buy the Drums Along The Hudson SE)
Hawkwind - "Days of the Underground"
( Click here to buy Quark Strangeness and Charm)
The Ugly Beats - "Get In Line"
( Click here to buy Take a Stand with The Ugly Beats)
The Mountain Goats - "The Young Thousands"
( Click here to buy We Shall All Be Healed)
The Forms - "Bones"
( Click here to buy The Forms)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
November 12, 2007
Need the end to set me free.
"I know the Sopranos finale has been done to death but no one ever hits upon the most basic criticism of the ending: It was badly edited. If David Chase wanted to establish a business-as-usual sentiment (which would have made perfect sense), he should have ended with a fade to black (in a long shot, if I may be so bold) as the Sopranos were discussing the mundane. The abrupt black cut was simply an unmotivated and inelegant cinematic choice." - Jason Sherry, Kingston, Pa., in the Entertainment Weekly letters section, 11/16/07
October 30, 2007
Take Up Thy Voice Modulator and Talk (Original Mono Version).
"Apparently all the talent in The Pink Floyd was in the word 'the.' Who could have ever predicted that?" -- Tom on the creative juice concentrated in the band's crucial article
"Well, you know, he puts you in a trance and basically he makes you do stuff -- stuff you'd never do of your own coalition." -- Bryce Prefontaine, explaining the act of an erotic hypnotist
"Of course the ones the kids get, they'll be really small. Yeah, don't worry, the little dudes will be able to bake, too, but just not as big as the big dudes." -- Bryce, announcing his plans to distribute miniature bongs to Newbridge children
"I've done my research, now you do yours. The opus is on you, man. -- Bryce, challenging Tom to dispute his findings that 75% of U.S. Presidents were lifelong pot smokers
"I promise the thickest pancakes in all of Newbridge. And the most potent. They're gonna have hash in them." -- Bryce, enticing voters with a Midnight Pancake Munchie Party
"I wanted to tie my love-making [to the Dead] so we'd achieve an X-rated space -- not Drums/Space!" -- Bryce on the inspiration for the soundtrack to The Sheila Larson Sessions
"Just for bein' so L7 -- you never wanna catch a groove and just ride it." -- Bryce, sentencing Tom to jail/death for being a member of the Uptight Citizens Brigade
"Welcome to the circle of grossness, lindonberry cake. I will never eat you again." -- Tom, throwing the IKEA dessert into his culinary Hate Pit
"I like the idea that I'm putting someone who's Jewish on the defensive about eating a bagel in New York." -- Tom, turning the tables on Erika from Baltimore
"I'm like PetSmart, and you guys are like the weird Silver Lake Pet Shop." -- Tom, distinguishing his Big Box program from the the Mom-and-Pop podcastketeers
[More to come.]
"There are people that hunger for Scharpling & Wurster's style of comedy so badly that haven't even heard them yet. I envy those people; they are in for a splendid discovery indeed." - Paul F. Tompkins, AST Comedy Zone, 10/25/07
[TBSOWFMU - 10/23/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Zoo - "Hard Times, Good Times"
( Click here to buy Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970)
Sir Lord Baltimore - "Helium Head (I Got A Love)"
( Click here to buy Kingdom Come)
Pylon - "Human Body"
( Click here to buy Gyrate +)
Saturday Looks Good To Me - "(Even If You Die On The) Ocean"
( Click here to buy Fill Up the Room)
Tiny Masters Of Today - "Radio Riot"
( Click here to buy Bang Bang Boom Cake)
Delta 5 - "Train Song"
( Click here to buy Singles & Sessions 1979 to 1981)
Slant 6 - "Thirty-Thirty Vision"
( Click here to buy Soda Pop*Rip Off