Under My Umbrelly.
"No help topics found?! You heap of garbage. You can't help me with that?" -- Tom, criticizing his unresponsive Macintosh computore
"Without his tireless efforts, this show would not exist. Well, actually, it would exist, but it would really stink." -- Tom, praising the production work of David in D.C.
"Yeah, the guy dances around and smokes cigarettes. Puts that, uh, clown makeup on in the mirror. Gets heart surgery." -- Tom, figuring out Fosse
"What are you talking about ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" -- Neil Mahoney, trying to figure out his wife's chat with Spike
"Wrapped in an enigma. Coated in a riddle. Drizzled with question mark sauce." -- Tom, summarizing Spike's deep-fried mystique
"Spike. Jen Kirkman. This has been as enlightening as anything that has ever happened in my life ever. Or maybe has ever happened on Earth." -- Tom, putting the Meeting of the Minds segment in its proper historical context
"I'm not bloody delusional." -- Spike, accepting his award anyway
"Ah, you know, I have had Internet troubles. I could've, um, stepped it up, and I could've won it, you know? God, I'm so sad." -- Julie, lamenting her inability to deliver enough sad calls over the past 18 months
"Yeah, I would like to thank my Dad, um, because he's awesome, and, you know, and, of course, he's my Dad." -- Co-Rookie of the Year Milo, breaking Tom's heart
"He was a blob of clay. But now he is a fine ... he's a Greek sculpture. An Adonis. David. You are like David. The statue of David. David Koresh. It's a different statue. Not the, uh ... it's a weird statue of David Koresh I saw." -- Tom, chiseling AP Mike into the next great cult leader
"Guys, nothing has given me more pleasure in the last year than watching the Mike and Therese relationship blossom. I will also say: this has been the worst year of my life." -- Tom, finding a rainbow at the end of the darkness
"Maybe somebody can help Kevin up. Can somebody help Kevin up to the stage? Please. There is a ramp on the side. I don't know if he's in his Jazzy. He can head on up." -- Tom, beckoning the two-seat director to the winner's circle
"The necessity to make fun of him disgusted me." -- Paul F. Tompkins, abandoning his mockery of Jay Leno
"From the moment you play the opening strains of that Sam Kinison song, I get all pumped up, and I am ready to DO IT." -- PFT, rocking out to the Mark Twain of wife beaters
"THEY ARE PARTYING IN THE STREETS! OF NEW PORT RICHEY! IT'S FREDERICKS! CALLER OF THE YEAR!" -- Tom, celebrating a deserved honor
"Only on Awards Shows. I pick my spots." -- Omar the Scrivener, explaining his strategy for calling the program
Rollins Band - "Hot Animal Machine 1" (live)
( Click here to buy Do It)
White Mystery - "Switch It Off"
( Click here to buy White Mystery)
The Method Actors - "Do The Method"
( Click here to buy This Is Still It)
Love Is All - "Bigger Bolder"
( Click here to buy Two Thousand and Ten Injuries)
Magnapop - "Q-Tip"
( Click here to buy Chase Park)
Bettie Serveert - "Souls Travel"
( Click here to buy Pharmacy of Love)
The Rondelles - "Shanghai Surprise"
( Click here to buy Fiction Romance, Fast Machines)
Overnight Lows - "Shut Up Looking At Me"
( Click here to buy City of Rotten Eyes)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Yeah! Alright! Who's ready?! Mike says he's ready, but Tom was addressing the listening audience, not his Associate Producer. If AP Mike wasn't ready, he'd banish him to a nearby pizzeria or watering hole to sketch R. Crumbingly on moist napkins before getting drop-kicked into the Jersey City night in search of a 24-hour tattoo parlor to add a mound of Scarpetta's spaghetti al pomodoro to his body-menu of Italian delights. But Tom looks in AP Mike's eyes every week, and to his credit, he's ready every time. Tom concludes that he's either got the eternal fire for radio or a crazy mind that masquerades as ocular alertness. He's observed an increasingly fine line between preparedness and dementia as AP Mike plays out his contract. The cuckoo Call Screener will depart The Best Show in nine weeks.
As for the one y only Tom Scharpling, host is ready to bring it Obama-style for another installment of The Best Show on WFMU's three hours of mirth, music, and (awards) mayhem. He's not sure what "Obama-style" means, so he decides to bring it Rahm Emanuel-style instead. Tom plans to scream in faces just like the fiery Chief of Staff. Perhaps his Shout! Radio rebranding as "Dr. Unhinged, The Push-Up Machine" is a go! He also thinks it's great that he just got a phone call from a friend during the program. He thanks the friend/rat (My guess: Steven Schirripa) for paying attention to his very well documented whereabouts on Tuesday at 8 p.m. for the past 9.5 years. Comedienne Paul F. Tompkins IMs Tom to check on his availability for grabbing some dinner. He never sees Tom around Los Angeles. Tom wonders if PFT just never took note of what night the radio show that he's appeared on 80 times actually airs. He also reminds the 'cue-crazed sartorialist that he doesn't live in L.A. Tom resides in New Jersey.
After declining the proposed cross-country grub-up, Tom switches his attention to shutting off the audio on his iChat interface. He has to play the audio clips for the nominations, but he needs the iChat for specific triggers relating to the program's Rakim-grade flow. A classic conundrum! Tom looks for a "Mute All" button. He threatens to smash his computer, presumably with the same amount of MAX FORCE applied by members of the Jock Squad when customers miss the narrow pick-up window for their oiled hot animal machines. He clicks on "Audio/Video" to no avail. Tom alerts listeners to get ready to call if they think they did what it takes to be one of tonight's lucky winners. He fears he will have to cancel the awards and play with the iChat well into the wee hours. Tom attempts to talk to his computer before realizing that he must submit a typed question.
Dear Macintosh -
I would like to know how I might disable the audio funkshin on my computer. As you may know, I host a radio program on WFMU (which is a freeform station in the greater NY area [actually, the station is located in Jersey City, NJ]), and I would like to disable my audio.
P.S. - How about a nice game of chess?
No Help Topics found! Tom bemoans the fact that his garbage heap Macintosh computer could not offer simple technical support in response to his fair-and-square question. To quote my favorite rock music frontman, the bald, buff, and modulated David Dramain, Tom is not down with this sickness.
- Martin from Edison calls to find out if the Macintosh computer was saying everything Tom was doing. Tom explains that it's just making a noise for outgoing and incoming messages. Martin suggests going into system preferences and looking for a speaker icon. Tom clicks on a sound icon and tries selecting the "Mute" option. Tom admits that these technical antics are low-rent and doesn't want to hear any gripes from listeners. He thinks he fixed it. Martin announces his plan to listen to the show while he fixes his bicycle in his garage. Tom prepares him for some celebrity calls throughout the special evening.
Tom welcomes everyone to the 3rd annual The Best Show on WFMU Awards Show, which covers the period from 1/1/09 through 5/18/10. (Feel free to get schooled on the 2008 and 2009 ceremonies.) He wonders if there is a name for the award he'll be handing out this evening. AP Mike suggests The GOMPy. Tom nixes The Tommy because that is the award given for excellence in theater. He considers The Tony, but that is actually the award given for excellence in theater. In-studio guest/co-pilot Martin from Sweden suggests The Besties. Wes counters with The Nemmies in the FOT Chat. Tom thanks David in D.C. (oh, you probably know him as Dorvid) for his amazing production work. Without his tireless efforts, this show would exist, but it would be a three-hour stinkfest full of junk and technical complaints.
And so the 2010 Best Show Awards HAVE BEGUN! At Tom's signal, unleash HELL. Now Tom has no audio at all. He re-enables it, but forgets to pot it back up. The continued difficulties lead Tom to believe that the show is cursed. He taunts the evil forces by starting things off with one of nem biggies.
Award #1: Saddest Caller
Defending Champion: John from Charleston ("Shop for a Coffin")
1. Charlie the Drug Addict ("Crazy Train")
Tom suspects that Charlie has called the wrong radio show in a fit of drugged dialing. Charlie reveals that he experienced a flashback to the cigarette smoke and aerosol fumes of some previous session. He spent tonight injecting cocaine into his system, but it didn't have the effect that it does on the average citizen. Tom wants Charlie to get strong, healthy, and clean. Charlie says that he was literally pulling his hair out. Tom issues his first GOMP in six months.
2. Spike ("To the 4 Boroughs")
Spike is in a good mood after hearing about a new law that will exile all children under 25 to Antarctica. Tom believes that Spike has drafted this piece of legislation while under the influence of drugs. Spike reports that the authorities are also turning Staten Island into a penal colony in keeping with God's original intentions for the borough. Tom does give Spike credit for bringing new things to the program. We've never been here before, but Tom isn't sure if he likes the uncharted terrain. Spike informs him that most people in the four boroughs love his rants. Tom can't stomach Spike tonight. Get lost!
3. Hugman ("Last Call")
Jason, the former resident of Eng-uh-lund, urges Tom not to take the next call so he can be the last call. Tom does it anyway. It's 1,000-fight-storyteller Hugman checking in to wish Tom a Happy New Year. Tom says that his sweetheart Jason has some bad news for him. Jason reveals that he is the last caller of the decade. A sad Hugman says that is bad news indeed. Tom tells him to call back next week.
4. Ali, the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo Girl ("Rage Cage")
Tom wants to dissuade this young lady from getting a Smashing Pumpkins tattoo, but she loves the Windy City alt-rockers. Tom wonders if she was four years old when she first heard their work. Ali says that when she was five she would sing "Bullet with Butterfly Wings," the first single from the 1995 double album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. These performances were kinda like the symbol that she was always going to be a rebel and a badass just like William Corgan, Jr. Tom sings a bit of the chorus, replicating the nasal whine of Mr. Corgan: "Despite all my rage, I am still just a RAAA-ETina cage." Ali asks Tom if he's ever shot a gun. Tom has and thought it was a horrifying experience when the weapon exploded in his hands. She, however, thought it was wonderful. Ali informs Tom that he is a shadow of a man! Tom changes his mind and gives her the greenlight to get inked.
5. Julie from Cincinnati ("Half Man/Part Party Dog")
She shall like to do an impression if it ain't too much trouble. Tom apologizes for not recognizing the voice. Julie says it was a cross between Tom and her dog, Yetta. What? Julie has five points and asks permission to make them all.
- Famous comedian and renowned Level OT XI Fosse-ologist Jen Kirkman calls to talk to Tom for the first time since The Fosse Incident. In a nutshell, the two had a bit of a Twitter titter over Kirkman accusing Tom of being a Bob Fosse-adummy. Tom assures her that he's over it. Kirkman acknowledges that she should have asked Tom about his level of Fosse knowledge before making an accusation as bold as "You don't know Fosse!" For example, Tom might know about Fosse. Or maybe he doesn't want to know about Fosse. It might take him a half hour to figure out the essence of Fosse. Kirkman doesn't think it would take that long. Tom believes that Fosse basically just dances around and smokes cigarettes. Kirkman wonders what else one would do with their life. Standing in front of a mirror while applying clown makeup and getting heart surgery are added to the to-do list. Kirkman points out that Fosse actually smoked during his heart procedure. She considers the possibility that she will finally get to talk to Spike when he calls to accept his award. Tom tells her that it is going to happen. Kirkman appears to be very excited by the prospects of this conversation. Tom salutes her for being a fan and friend of the program.
Spike calls and reluctantly accepts his award for Saddest Caller because he thinks he's more deserving of the Best Caller honor. Tom congratulates him. Kirkman greets Spike and expresses her fandom of his Best Show appearances. In fact, her husband always says that she reminds him of Spike. Spike thanks her for the support of his oeuvre. Tom tells Spike that he might triumph as Best Caller later in the program. Spike cackles at the thought of winning. Kirkman says it's weird to discover that Spike's ego is a bit larger than she expected. She's also surprised that he wasn't even interested in why her husband would stay married to someone who reminded him of Spike. Tom asks Spike if he's intrigued by this domestic situation. Spike considers it to be a compliment. Kirkman says that Spike doesn't get that the connection could be good or bad. Spike asks Kirkman to elaborate on her Spike-like behavior. She explains that it's primarily her tendency to fixate on things and rant about politics and not liking children and getting snobby about weird things. While Kirkman takes it as a compliment, she doesn't think her husband intends it as a compliment. Spike praises Kirkman's anti-children stance. He thinks people who dislike children under 25 should stick together. Kirkman agrees and laments that the geographic distance between them prohibits more intimate bonding over shared interests. Spike repeats that the kids should be shipped off to Antartica, the continent where they belong. Kirkman says the shipment is not really fair to Antarctica. Tom gives her a generous Kevin Eubanks bass slide for the quip.
Tom asks Spike if he has an acceptance speech. Spike says he did not prepare one since he was not expecting the award. He thanks Larry Da Perv and Fredericks because he's sure they had something to do with it. Tom admits that there were some backroom dealings between him, Fredericks, and LDP. They met at a luncheonette (Holsten's?) and went to the smoky back room to conduct their business. Tom asks Spike if he has any final words for Jen Kirkman. He says that he's pleased to have another person out there who hates children under 25. Kirkman clarifies that she did not really express any hatred; she's just not good with them and doesn't understand them. Kirkman diagnoses this as fear, which is the opposite of love. Spike says the sight of these young people irritates him. Kirkman reports that her husband just texted her "What are you talking about?!" with 15 exclamation points/question marks. Tom feels like Steve Allen hosting Meeting of Minds, the 1977-1981 PBS talk show. Spike says he wasn't around for Steve Allen, but then he remembers that he was and knows the show in question. Tom predicts that Spike's Steve Allen turnaround will net him five awards at next year's show. Spike says that one of them should be Best Caller. Tom says maybe it will be ... but it won't.
Kirkman wants to know if Spike would get married to a lady or a gentleman. Spike says neither because marriage is not for him. Kirkman amends her query to ask Spike if he prefers to go on a date with a lady or a gentleman. Spike says he prefers to date within his own species: Any human'll do, pets. He's not ruling out a different species, but it's not his top choice. Kirkman marvels at how much mystery surrounds Spike. She respects the mystique, but sometimes she just gets curious. Kirkman fears that she might self-destruct after acquiring too much Spike information. Tom concludes that Spike is wrapped in an enigma, coated in a riddle, and then drizzled with question mark sauce. Kirkman asks Spike if he really lives in a basement. Spike says he lives in an apartment, but not in a basement. She confirms that he is a fully-functioning man who can live without the assistance of others. Tom laughs heartily at the query. Spike says that unlike LDP he does not need professional help, much to Tom's chagrin. Tom tells Spike and Jen Kirkman that their tête-à-tête was as enlightening as anything that has ever happened in his life, and possibly anything that has ever happened on Earth. Kirkman thanks him for the assessment.
Tom asks Kirkman to let her fans know where they can get more of her comedy. Kirkman says that she's in the midst of a transition. Her 2007 album, Self-Help, is still available from AST Records, and this December she will record the much-anticipated follow-up. Kirkman will also be doing some shows in Los Angeles. Tom directs listeners to the revamped jenkirkman.com for more information on her whereabouts and activities. Kirkman says that people can also go to the Funny or Die comedy video portal to see her starring turn in Drunk History Vol. 5. In the short, she discusses Frederick Douglas after downing two bottles of wine in six hours. Tom declares it a classic and one of the funniest things he's ever seen. Kirkman says she has no memory of the piece because she blacked out during its production. AP Mike wants to know how she got drunk with only two bottles of wine over that time period. Kirkman informs him that eight glasses of wine is sufficient to intoxicate a little lady. She says she's normally drunk after three glasses. Kirkman doesn't understand why AP Mike is questioning her consumption levels and tolerance for alcohol. Tom recommends that Kirkman stick to her guns and not worry about defending herself against the peanut gallery of mutants.
Kirkman decides to let Tom move on with the Awards Show and thanks him for a joyous experience on the air. Tom thanks her for calling and wishes her a good night. He wonders if he should fire up the next category. Spike pipes up that he should. Tom is jolted by the fact that Spike is still on the line. He dumps him even though he may pick up the next award. (Most Delusional Caller was bumped back due to technical issues -- the audio file understandably seized during the Larry Da Perv clip.)
Award #2: Best Heave Ho
Defending Champion: Spike ("Tag-Team Christmas Carol")
1. Doc Hammer, co-creator of The Venture Bros. ("The King of Comedy")
A caller from Manhattan wonders who is on the other end of the line. It's host Tom Scharpling. The caller is Doc Hammer, who announces that he's got nothing for the program. He asks James Urbaniak and Jackson Publick, tonight's featured in-studio guests, if their appearance was great. They inform Hammer that they had a good time at a real radio station. Hammer attempts to get them to admit that they are stuck in somebody's Mom's basement with a plaid couch, a lone dartboard, and an old dog odor. Tom informs Hammer that they are inside a five-story building. (Mr. Publick thought it was three.) Mr. Urbaniak likes that WFMU is not located in some soulless skyscraper. Tom makes it clear to Hammer that this is REAL. Hammer wonders if the aforementioned Mom has ambled down the stairs with a plate full of cookies. Mr. Urbaniak says that Catherine Scorsese did make an appearance to ask them what they were doing down there. She told Tom to be quiet. Hammer asks if there are any cardboard cutouts. Urbaniak says there is a cutout of Liza Minnelli. Tom lets Hammer know that this show is GIGANTIC. Mr. Urbaniak tells Tom that Hammer is essentially calling him Rupert Pupkin . Mr. Publick explains that this is a big show, and The Venture Bros. crew are not fully aware of its scope because they are always working. Mr. Urbaniak says he could remain on the air for another two hours. Hammer asks if the show is broadcast on the radio. Tom's had enough. He will hang up on a co-creator. Mr. Urbaniak says he deserved the dismissal.
(This clip still makes Tom mad. Hammer, we don't miss you.)
2. Joe ("Gimli GOMP")
Tom tells Joe to relax before unveiling his impression of Mr. John Rhys-Davies. Joe admits that he doesn't have any prepared lines. Tom says it's time to take a couple of deep breaths, but advises against a cold water splash because the shock will likely throw off the rhythm. Joe comes up with some dialogue: "This is John Rhys-Davies. I'm afraid I won't swim in the pool unless there is UR-INE in the pool! This is John Rhys-Davies." End. Scene. Curtain. End. Call. Heave Ho. Tom doesn't know what that was.
3. Husband of Jen Kirkman and comedy director Neil Mahoney ("Weak Pit")
Kirkman wants Mahoney to apologize for mistreating Tom in the mosh pit at a TLRx show. (Tom wore a Dokken t-shirt, which caused Mahoney to deliver a flurry of elbow nudges to his head/back/buttocks for embarrassing him.) Mahoney picks up the phone and greets Tom and his two guests, comedienne Paul F. Tompkins and the warmongering cartoonist/pencil sharpener David Rees. Due to a lack of experience with public speaking, Mahoney has to clear his throat to allow for a bit more vocal power. Tom asks him if he ate some potatoes non-grata before the show. Kirkman doesn't know why her husband is clearing his throat so aggressively. Mahoney repeats that he's not used to public speaking. He digs a deeper hole by noting that his wife prompted his forthcoming apology. Tom GOMPs him for not wanting to do it on his own. PFT and Rees are delighted by the disconnection. Tom says he will hang up on the big and the small. The ladder of justice has no top or bottom per Bob Dylban and now per Tom.
4. Ali, the Smashing Pumpkins Tattoo Girl ("Eight Arms to Ink You")
Ali assures Tom that the tattoo will not even say "Smashing Pumpkins." She will get an image of a bullet that has sprouted butterfly wings. Ali says that she likes butterflies and guns outside of the context of the band. Tom asks her if she's ever fired a gun. While he thinks it's a terrifying experience, Ali finds the discharge to be fun and liberating. Tom didn't enjoy the explosion in his hand. Ali calls Tom a shadow of a man for not enjoying such a wonderful thing. Tom tells the Wonder Woman who foncies herself the epitome of toughness to go ahead and get the Smashing Pumpkins tattoo. He recommends getting a Veruca Salt tattoo while she's there. Heave Ho. Tom thinks he's somehow living within the world of Frank Miller's Sin City comet boot. He still believes that she cannot be saved.
5. Dick ("Twitter Tyro")
Dick's a follower of PFT on Twitter, and he commends him for being a responsible Twitterer. He knows that Tom doesn't Twitter. What?! Tom most certainly does! He cites this lack of awareness as one of the reasons he can't break 4,000 followers. PFT asks Dick if he's a regular listener of The Best Show. Dick says that he listens to the show from time to time. Tom thinks it's sick that he was not privy to the happenings over at twitter.com/scharpling, which has been operating for well over a year. PFT thinks he should subscribe to Tom's Twitter feed because it offers a lot of good stuff. Dick thinks he might do that. PFT tells him to think about it and talk it over with his family. Tom recommends consulting his accountant to see if its within his budget, and then consulting his pastor about any moral concerns.
6. Brian in Queens ("Takin' It To The Streets")
Brian performs a quick Michael McDonald impression ("You don't know me, but I'm your brooooothore"), featuring some Brimsteadian vowel rounding that recalls ZB's 2006 cover of Necko Case's "Maybe Sparrow." Tom thought it was pretty good, but he thinks his is better. Tom does a beautiful rendition, and Brian tries to harmonize with The Master. Heave Ho. Tom is already crushing him and doesn't need his warmed-over slime in the mix. He immediately retires his McDonald impression. Tom decides to limit his roster to just Isabel Sanford ("Joj!" / "Mistah Bentley!") and President Baseball's Alan Aldo. He is unable to summon Mr. Aldo at this time.
WINNER: Neil Mahoney
Tom asks Mr. Mahoney to call to accept his award. While he waits for the winner to check in, Tom tries to sort out the defective Most Delusional Caller file from the new file. He admits that he is bad at this stuff. Tom is pretty sure this scenario is similar to the Oscars telecast, where one dude operates all the equipment himself and does a really bad job of it after another dude spent an entire week doing pre-production work for the program. Tom says that this low-rent show makes him despise himself, but just a little bit. He tries the classic drag-and-drop, but it's still not Doing It. Tom deletes the defective file and drags the good one in to see what happens. Yeah, there it is! Tom is confident that the delusional do-over will now work like a charm as he conducts the boards like Tom Cruise in Minority Reports, the film loosely based on the science-fiction short story by Andrew R. Dick.
Award #3: Most Delusional Caller
Defending Champion: Julie from Cincinnati ("Marriage Proposal")
1. Fredericks from New Port Richey ("Menthol!")
Fredericks asks Tom to refresh his memory on the name of Hanna-Barbero villain Dick Dastardly's dog. Tom says it's Muttley. Frederick welcomes the information with a wheeze-laugh. He later informs Tom that he can no longer issue his trademark sound because his lungs cleared up after switching to menthol cigarettes.
2. Julie from Cincinnati ("Liquid Coffin")
Tom says the creepy lodge in Boston was so empty that the ghosts left. They were staying somewhere else. PFT imagines a ghost deciding it was boring because there were no people to haunt. Julie asks Tom if he floated around in the pool and like pretended it was his coffin. She wonders if that is an example of weird behavior. Tom says he pretended it was a giant coffin because he plans on being buried in a 60-foot long coffin. John Hodgman reminds everyone that the coffin would be full of fluid.
3. Larry Da Perv ("Radio Date Dere")
LDP just wunted to run dis bya dere 'cause last time he tried to do somethin' without runnin' it bya dere it caused some friction and he don't wunt that to happen again dere. Tom tells him to cut the preamble and just get to it. The bottom line dere: He's got a crush on Laurie from Miami dere. LDP admits that his weakness is Laurie and his weakness is strong, which is also the name of Mr. Patton Oswalt's latest CD/DVD combination dere. LDP wants to arrange a radio date with his crush. He plans to make a sandwich and hopes Laurie will prepare a meal for herself. They would converse on the Tom Scharpling airwaves while eatin' dere. Patton says the term "radio date" is the saddest thing he's ever heard.
4. Mike from Chicago ("Psych Out") [DARKHORSE CANDIDATE]
Mike says he's not trying to psych Tom out. Tom informs him that he couldn't psych him out. Mike says maybe he could. Tom agrees that maybe he could. Good point. Mike thinks he might be able to do it. Tom wonders if he's doing it right now. Mike says that is debatable. Tom says he might be getting psyched out right now. Mike gives himself credit and says he is indeed in the process of psyching out Tom. Tom asks Mike to refresh his memory on his name. He asks Mike how he's doing. Mike says he's doing pretty good. Tom says he might be psyching Mike out by pretending he doesn't know who Mike is. He says he might be in control now. Mike says that is very possible. Mike asks Tom if he's ever called the show before. Tom wouldn't know. Mike says he might be psyching Tom out again.
5. Spike ("Weirdo Exposed")
Tom: How's your book comin'? Still keeping' it at work?
Spike: No, I have it. I do have it here in the house.
Tom: Then let's hear some of it.
Spike: Well, it's locked up. [Garbled] get the key.
Tom: Oh yeah, oh we gotta get the key. Is the key at work?
Spike: Well, I can read you, you know, a little excerpt of it. An interview I did with somebody on the ... bus.
Tom: Let's hear it.
Spike: Mmm hmm.
Tom: You are going to be reading, not talking now.
Spike: Yes, okay.
Tom: Let's hear it. The debut --
Spike (talking over): It's just this guy talking.
Tom: The World Premiere --
Spike (talking over): Uh, it's me and this guy.
Tom: The World Premiere of Weirdos Exposed!
Spike: I talk to myself because I get so much satisfaction. I don't like to socialize with other people. I find other people to be looosers, degenerates, perverts, trollops, and just ... plain damaged goods. And, um, you know, an example of me talking to myself is one day I was crossing the Williamsburg Bridge, and a group of, uh, teenaged degenerates were walking behind me. So I started to talk to myself. And answer myself. And they left me alone. You know, sometimes I do that, you know, when I find people annoying, I start to do that. So people will not bother me.
Tom: This is not written, what you're saying. This is you talking.
Spike: Talking as the person I'm interviewing. It's me as the person I'm interviewing.
Tom: But are you reading this?
Tom: And all those "umms" and things were in the text?
Spike: Well no, my throat was a little dry so I had to, you know, cough a little bit to ...
Tom: Now when are you going to start reading the book?
Tom: 'Cause you know what? Look, right now this guy Fredericks is ... he's mopping up the floor with you.
Spike: Oh, I can't let that happen. Oh no-no-no-no. That must --
Spike: -- not happen! Not happening!
WINNER: SPIKE! 2-for-2! The Avatar of The Best Show Awards.
- Neil Mahoney calls to accept his award for Best Heave Ho. He says that it's an honor to be nominated and to win, but he hopes to land in a better category next year. Tom congratulates him for pulling it out with The Perfect Storm of a doomed call: the excessive throat clearing, the reluctance to even be on the air, and the spouse-coerced apology. Mahoney doesn't even know where to begin in an attempt to explain how he was sandbagged into making the apology on the air. He apologizes for not saying hello to Tom at the TLRx concert. Tom is ready to let it go. NEWSFLASH: Spike checks back in to accept his second award of the evening. Tom congratulates him for being the Most Delusional Caller. Spike doesn't want to thank anybody because he doesn't think he's delusional. Tom finds that hard to believe considering the whole Weirdos Exposed saga. Spike insists that he is not delusional. Tom declares this the perfect acceptance speech for the Most Delusional Caller. Spike responds by emitting a Dolenz-y "N'eh!" Tom wonders if Spike wants to at least thank the people on the bus who served as his supposed muse. Spike declines because he's not "bloody delusional."
Tom asks Mahoney if he has any questions or comments for Spike. Mahoney congratulates Spike for winning another award and salutes Tom for hosting tonight's festivities. Tom asks Spike if he has any comments for Neil Mahoney. Spike says that Mahoney did deserve to win Best Heave Ho. Mahoney is taken aback by the hurtful dig. He says that he did drink a lot of water while on hold so he wouldn't muck up the airwaves with mushmouthery. Tom directs Spike and Mahoney to go backstage for a photo-op and some radio interviews.
Award #4: Best Threat
Defending Champion: Gene Simmons ("Axe Bass")
1. Bernie Taupin ("Tiny Dance-Murderer")
"Pull me closer Tiny Dancer because I'm gonna murder you! [Air horn blast]"
2. Kelvin Juniper ("Earthquake Glue")
"You're not long for this world, I'm sorry to say. Yeah, you're gonna die in, uh, 2009. From glue poisoning. Yeah. Well, the glue that holds your toupee onto your head. I can see it from here. I didn't want to say anything. Yeah." [Tom denies wearing a hairpiece.]
3. Barry the Hot Dog Vendor ("Hot Dog/Tom")
"I forgot to mention something. Um, I'm gonna turn you into the world's largest and dumbest hot dog."
4. Rabid B. Hatchetman ("Red Pop Pop-Pop")
"Hey, my ninja, um, bust out something from Hell's Pit. I guess you guys are up Juggalo Creek without any Faygo." [Tom thanks him in advance for his eventual murder. R.B. Hatchetman doesn't know what sarcasm is.]
WINNER: Bernie Taupin!
Tom points out that he survived Kelvin Juniper's January 2009 threat. He celebrates his continued existence by singing a line from the late-great group Simple Minds.
Award #5: Rookie of the Year
Defending Champ: Steve from North Hollywood
1. Pastor Josh ("Breaking Bad")
Pastor Josh calls to find out when he can expect to see Tom and PFT arrive in town. He has the guest room all straightened up. While it's a little too early to take them to a proper chowder, he will be able to give them a tour of a local meth lab, especially if they arrive before Saturday. Pastor Josh assures Tom that they can borrow some shotguns to defend themselves against any fiends.
2. Auntie Christina ("Goo Goo for Gaga")
Auntie Christina observes that Andrew WK sounds like the positive version of renowned recording engineer/poker rat Steve Albini. She just wanted to echo all the Andrew WK love. He won her over many years ago with his relentlessly upbeat attitude. AC wonders if AWK sees any similarities between himself and pop sensation Lady Gaga. AWK believes in Gaga and thinks she's absolutely fantastic. He was very happy to hear that she is a nice lady. AWK supports Lady Gaga doing her thing and doing it very well. AC is a supporter of AWK.
3. Milo ("Zach Attack")
Milo does his "Heeelllooo, Tom" Spike impression. Tom asks the 10-year-old if he knows tonight's special guest, Zach Galifianakis. Milo knows him from looking over his dad's shoulders when he watches the "Between Two Ferns" shorts on Funny or Die. Zach asks Milo if he smokes cigarettes.
4. Wally Wackiman ("Potential Puppet Protégé")
The Z-Man explains that his puppet is a Jewish gentleman named Wally Wackiman, not the Pixar robit known as Wall-E. Tom tells the Z-Man that he must get focused and hungry and run laps with Wackiman affixed to his arm. He wants them to go in the bathroom and splash cold water on each other's faces. Wackiman says that Tom has every right to hang up on a caller during his show. However, he tried to give Spike a little more of a chance. In general, Wackiman wants to hear what people have to say. He's had enough of this caller and directs Tom to dump him. Click. Next. Movin' on. Wow.
5. Lisa Jane Persky ("Lady In Waiting")
Carl the repairman from Newbridge Audio knew it! It's Dirty Dee! The actress/photographer Lisa Jane Persky is indeed in the studio this evening. Carl informs LJP that he's a huge fan of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. LJP confirms her participation in the film that required her to handle a few men. Carl thinks LJP knows what question is coming next. He wants to know about those Gene Simmons rumors. Guest John Hodgman (aka "Max") has heard these same rumors. Simply put, Carl wants to know what it was like for LJP to Do It with Dr. Love. Hodgman will allow the risqué query to stand.
WINNER: (tie) Wally Wackiman and Milo!
- A caller greets Thomas Scharpling after getting a quick awards recap from AP Mike. She says that she's no random caller. Well, sort of: It's Julie from Cincinnati! She's pretty bad because Spike beat her out for Saddest Caller. JfC explains that frequent Internet troubles in the past year have prevented her from making as many sad calls. She doesn't expect to win any other awards tonight. JfC just called to say, "Hello, Tom. How are you?" Tom confirms that she is unable to stream the show tonight. JfC says that her Internet connection only works when there is access from not her source. She declines to explain the predicament beyond that. Tom tells her not to worry too much about it. He asks her to try to call back later. JfC assures Tom that she loves his whole show and is working so hard to be able to hear it. She's also looking for the hot policeman. Tom can understand that because we are all looking for the hot policeman. JfC wonders if she's really looking for Officer Tom, the New Jersey patrolman who used to be a regular caller to The Best Show. She asks Tom what time she should call back. He doesn't' know.
- Steve in North Hollywood, the 2009 Rookie of the Year, says he's enjoying the show alongside the great Lisa Jane Persky, who is taking a new FOTO. In fact, Dirty Dee is snapping a picture of Steve talking to Tom right now. Steve congratulates the new Rookie of the Year. Tom recognizes Milo and Wally Wackiman. Steve didn't know that they tied for the award. He says they were listening to the show during the session, but they might have been talking over that reveal. Tom's not into the idea of people chatting it up instead of listening to the announcement of the winners. He tells Steve that he's a disgrace to the ROY title.
- Milo calls to accept his award, and Tom congratulates him on his share of the trophy. Tom asks the young man to describe how it feels to be a winner. Milo says it feels awesome, man. He thanks Tom and AP Mike. Tom commends Milo for being a class act unlike half of the other animules who pollute the airwaves. Milo also thanks his dad because he's awesome and he's his dad. Tom tells Milo that he knew who won these things months ago. While some claim that Tom makes it up on the spot, he had the results back in February. Some people were saying that Milo was too green. "Too young," they said. But Tom thought he'd wear the crown well and tonight he was vindicated when Milo proved to be a true gentleman. Tom tells him to have a good night. Dignity from a child! Tom thinks some of the animules could learn from this dear boy.
Tom reminds listeners about all the exciting things that have occurred on The Best Show in the past 18 months. The arrival of Milo. The Weirdos Exposed debacle. Tom proving that he is literally a fundraising God. (Tom advises Martin not to set his food down on the American countertop, which is more problematic than the surfaces found in Sweden. He wants Martin to greet listeners, but his mouth is full. The foreigner was caught in mid-fuckin'-chew.) AP Mike announcing his retirement. Guests galore: John Mulaney, Patton Oswalt, Jen Kirkman, Zach Galifianakis, Paul F. Tompkins, MARTIN SHORT, Aimee Mann, James Urbaniak/Jackson Publick, David Rees, John Hodgman, Andrew W.K., Ted Leo, Jon Auer, Sanjaya Malakar, Julie Klausner, Andrew Sandoval, Tim & Eric, Matt Walsh, etc. The legendary Juggalo Moment. "Let's Get Metsmerized." The night AP Mike drank 12 bottles of Tröegs Nugget Nectar Ale and attempted to discuss the Warren Commission Report on the JFK assassination. (He passed out during a spirited take on the Tippit murder and came to just in time for a phoner with Conspiracy A Go-Go author John Slate.) Tom says that one of the most exciting developments of the past 18 months was the birth and launching of The Mike Show. AP Mike started off as a blob of clay and now he is a Greek sculpture, like Adonis or David ... Koresh. Tom saw a weird statue of David Koresh. AP Mike is not aware of this piece.
Tom asks AP Mike how he felt when he hosted the first on-air installment of The Mike Show after many months of boundary-pushing mini-segments while on the phone with callers hoping to score "Fun Packs." Mike says the debut episode was an impromptu scramble. The goal was to make a big splash with the Kevin Smith interview, but the trenchcoated filmmaker had to go to a hockey game that night. After a rocky start, AP Mike fought his way past the fears and anxieties to pull it out in the end. He picks the Kevin Smith interview as the highlight of the past year. While AP Mike doesn't want to take anything away from a young man (or a puppet), he expresses disappointment about not getting a nomination for Rookie (on the Radio) of the Year. Tom thinks AP Mike is doing fine without that award. AP Mike reveals that this past Saturday he did his first meet-and-greet at his uncle's bar in Bayonne. Tom points out that these are not sanctioned The Best Show on WFMU events. Since AP Mike is there anyway on Saturday afternoons, he's willing to have a drink with his growing legion of fans.
Tom mentions that The Mike Show evolved at some point during the past year. AP Mike confirms that he now has two in the fire. A two-pronged attack. Two irons in the fire. Tom rescues him from the idiomatic blaze by explaining that the program went from being one man's lonely musings by a fire-spouting garbage can to something with a lighter touch when DJ Therese became the other half of a magical pairing. Therese joins the discussion and greets her co-host and Martin from Sweden. AP Mike reveals that Martin brought him vodka. He refers to it as "Skull" vodka, but it is in fact Skol. Tom has already moved past the discussion of import liquor. He just hears sounds, not words. Tom considers himself to be a conductor, a disco version of a fifth of Beethoven. He amends the amount to just a "touch" of Beethoven to avoid any legal action from Ludwig's douchey estate.
"The Therese and Mike Show" aired on 9/1/09 as a fill-in for an ill Tom. He got sick on the way back from LA after a friend transmitted germs via coughing fits during a screening of Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. Tom does not name the perp. (My guess: Mila Kunis.) Out of that tragedy, arose triumph. Therese describes the night as kind of terrifying, but people were definitely on their side. She admits that the duo was born out of desperation. If she had more time to plan, she probably wouldn't have asked AP Mike to come to the studio. However, she is now very glad that she did. AP Mike says he can take this talk because of his thick skin. He is pleased to hear that Therese has no regrets about their radio collaboration. Tom is troubled by the anger that appears to be lurking below AP Mike's surface. Therese admits that sometimes they fight, but underneath all that lies love and respect. Tom says the listeners bask in that love on what is now called Depravity's Rainbow. Mike and Therese say they have both accepted the title, which was coined by Omar the Scrivener in his recap for Week #1 of the 2010 Marathon.
Tom gladly takes credit for the first official spinoff of The Best Show on WFMU. While Therese launched it, the show is now under his umbrelly. Tom brands it with his thumbprint much like Aaron Spelling amassing TV credits without doing any work. He doubts that Mr. Spelling was involved in writing the scripts for all of his shows. Therese believes his last decision on Beverly Hills, 90210 was casting Tori Spelling. Tom suspects that Mr. Spelling just pitched the network an hourlong about young people featuring his kid. He is sickened that Spelling is credited as the show's creator. Tom announces the next spinoff: DJ Hatch & Wally Wackiman. AP Mike would like to hear that program. Tom says that nothing has given him more pleasure in the past year than watching the Mike and Therese relationship blossom. He also mentions that this has been the worst year of his life.
Award #6: Best Guest
Defending Champion: The H-Man
1. Paul F. Tompkins ("Food Pen")
Someone in the FOT Chat wants to know if PFT will sign pies at his comedy shows. He will do so with a proper food pen. PFT says that he will autograph desserts, sides, hot apps, snacks, string cheese, leftovers, and midnight snacks. He is particularly excited about signing a smoothie.
2. Ted Leo ("One Polaroid A Day")
"One of the greatest people I have ever met in my life." -- Tom
3. Sanjaya Malakar ft. Carl from Newbridge Audio ("Rocking the Mohawk")
Carl was wondering what was up with Sanjaya and Holly Montag, his castmate on the second season of the reality skein, I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!. Sanjaya says they were just friends, and he hung out with her in L.A. right after he got out of the jungle. Carl tells Sanjaya that he loves the mohawk. In fact, he thinks that Mr. Malakar rocked it better than Joe Strummer from The Clash.
4. John Hodgman ("Speed Racer")
Tom informs Mr. Hodgman that one of his goals dating back to childhood is blasting around the Holland Tunnel in one of those one-man racing carts. He admits he didn't have much going on back then. Tom's other goal was hanging out with a Monkee/monkey. Hodgman says that he drove one of those carts at last year's The Daily Show Christmas party. The group was able to shut down the Holland Tunnel in both directions for a private event that featured a mobile, tunnel-long martini bar. Hodgman recommends that Tom go on television to get to attend these exciting and exclusive functions. Tom wants to start literally rolling with that crowd. Hodgman is ready for Tom to join the fold. Tom asks Hodgman if he's ever been with a monkey.
5. Martin Short ("Barbs & Arrows")
Mr. Short thinks that AP Mike is doing a great job screening calls. He believes that we have to be open to the barbs and arrows of outrageousness. Tom fears that AP Mike will now quote Martin Short to fend off any subsequent criticisms of his performance. Mr. Short gives AP Mike permission to call him Marty despite Tom's objections.
6. Aimee Mann ("You Could Make A Killing")
AM: What about that voice modulator?
TS: I don't have a voice modulator.
7. Kevin Smith on The Mike Show ("Huge Fan")
Tom tells Kevin that he's a huge fan of his films. Kevin would have guessed that Tom was the host due to his more radio-ready voice.
8. Patton Oswalt (added by Tom during show; no clip)
WINNER: (three-way tie) PFT, Patton Oswalt, and Kevin Smith.
Tom asks someone to help Kevin up to the stage. If he's in his Jazzy scooter, he can use the ramp on the side.
- PFT calls from Hollywood, CA, to accept his share of the prize. He's flattered to just be nominated amongst such august company, let alone win amongst such august company. Tom does an impression of late-night talk show host Jay Leno wondering if his audience is familiar with the antics of Sanjaya Malakar. PFT wonders if Leno is actually still doing those jokes. Tom is certain that Leno is actively writing new Sanjaya material instead of reheating old classics. Tom recalls that PFT told him about some friends who saw Leno burning off Menendez Bros. jokes within the last 10 years at a show in Las Vegas. PFT agrees that Leno is crafting more Sanjaya jokes to be ready for the next wave. Tom suspects that Leno may be writing theoretical jokes for a guy with weird hair for potential use with multiple pop culture personalities. PFT sees a similarity between Leno's and Bob Hope's style. He recounts a story about Mr. Hope flying to do a USO show. As he and his writers were approaching the runway, the in-flight staff told them that it was a grass runway. Mr. Hope turned to his writers and said, "Get me some grass runway jokes!"
PFT imagines that Leno has a "Fat" column in his joke spreadsheet. (Rumor has it that Leno's meticulous joke-filing system makes Orny Adams look like Pig-Pen. The notoriously disorganized prop comic, not the dirt-clouded Peanuts character.) Tom notes Leno's bottomless "all politicians are bums" treasure chest. PFT says the generic corruption jokes that Leno did at the recent White House Correspondents' Association dinner came off like Will Rogers if he was still performing in 2010. Tom can't believe that Leno thought he was shocking the crowd with this kind of limp riffage. PFT thinks the most insulting thing about the set was that Leno actually thought the guests had never heard that type of humor before. The miscalculation was even more insulting than the idea of calling them crooks and liars as they tried to enjoy their food. Tom believes that Leno thought it was enough for a joke to be a thing about a thing. He said somethin' was somethin', thus fulfilling the standard joke requirements per industry specifications. A premise was offered, and it was followed up by some kind of twist. The joke equation is simple: Name someone and assign an attribute to them.
Tom receives word that Kevin Smith is unable to claim his award on the air. PFT is very upset because he mainly called to butter up the director for some acting gigs. He planned to rip Southwest Airlines for being lame to endear himself to the portly filth merchant. Tom informs PFT that Kevin Smith actually employs someone (My guess: Walter Flanagan) to butter him up to ease his passage through narrow doorways. PFT gives Tom the Eubanks bass slide. Tom repeats his quip in the voice of Leno, but PFT says the material is too clever. He thinks that Leno would use the phrase "buttering up" and then ask himself, "What's Kevin Smith got to do with this?" PFT says that all of Leno's current jokes are placeholders for jokes. He logs the phrase "buttering up" and the name "Kevin Smith" and tries to make it work. Tom-as-Leno tries to get there: "Yeah, did anybody hear about this Land O'Lakes ... just said that, uh, that they, uh, they just won the Best Butter Award for uh ... they should be buttering up Kevin Smith when he's going through doorways. The guy's got gigantic!" He cites the over-explaining of the punchline as a Leno trademark. PFT takes a crack at it ("Land O'Lakes reports that butter sales are up ... Butter sales are UP!"), but he is unable to continue because the necessity to make fun of Leno disgusted him.
PFT says it's been a very exciting awards show with lots of twists and turns. Tom says that next year the categories will be expanded to 10 nominees just like the Academy Awards' Best Picture expansion. He can't wait for Some Dude Who Called Once to make the Rookie of the Year cut. PFT says that the upcoming Best Call and Best Caller awards are sort of like sound mixing and sound editing. He finds that there is a very fine distinction between these two honors. PFT admits that he has always been confused by the differences between Best Record, Best Album, and Best Song at the Grammys. Tom concludes that PFT should just trust the music experts because he doesn't work in that industry. He wants to see PFT focus on comedy awards like Best Stage Banter, Best Crowd Work, and Best Heckle Retort. At an alternate awards show, one of the categories would be Best Heckle. In this scenario, an audience member could interrupt the proceedings ("This Awards Show sucks!") to instantly win. The event would seemingly fold in on itself. Tom points out that it would be a staged moment like those seen during the VMAs. PFT points out that the MTV Movie Awards are always wildly unpredictable. Tom tells PFT that he was referring to the VMAs. PFT apologizes for the egregious transgression. Tom says it will take some work to mend this rift. Come on, baby!
Tom announces that PFT, Patton, Kevin Smith, and everyone else are all winners on tonight's The Best Show Awards. PFT says it's been a privilege and a pleasure to be a part of the show. He gets excited for the show not just on special occasions, but from the moment Tom plays the opening strain of the Sam Kinison song. PFT gets all pumped up and ready to Do It. Tom says that it's actually a song by the Rollins Band. PFT knows that Tom plays other music at the top of the show, but he's referring to "Do It," the b-side to Mr. Kinison's "Wild Thing" single. Tom insists that it's a Rollins track. PFT will agree to disagree.
Tom confirms that PFT is influenced by all the comedy biggies: Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay, Edward Murphy, and Dom Irrera. PFT is glad that Mr. Murphy is returning to the stage because all of his old stuff holds up. Tom enjoys Murphy's homophobic rants of yesteryear. He wonders how long it will take Murphy to quit stand-up when he remembers that he can make $22 million/movie for playing a man who's shrinking. PFT predicts that it will happen in the first hour when he tries to figure out his new set at The Laugh Factory. Tom does an impression of Murphy's dumb laugh, which will no longer be charming emanating from a 50-year-old man. PFT and Tom are excited about seeing a third leather outfit, possibly green, after the red and purplish ensembles of past phases. PFT isn't sure if they make green leather. Tom says that if purple was made, green is a go. They envision Murphy greeting his old Italian leather tailor after a 25-year absence with instructions to create a yellow suit. PFT suggests patriotic colors in honor of Murphy's old partner, Rick James, who produced his 1985 album, How Could It Be. Tom thinks the underrated Murphy music albums hold up, as does Kinison's "pretty good rock record," Have You Seen Me Lately?
PFT and Tom hail Kinison as a triple threat for singing, stand-up, and (presumably) dancing. After 90 minutes of screaming slurs and homophobia, he pours a little sand on the stage and closes it out with some soft-shoe. Tom doesn't like to generalize, but he's gonna roll with the assessment that Kinison's audience was largely comprised of violent bullies who only struck those weaker than themselves. He declares that Kinsion was the Will Rogers of the time. PFT prefers to think of him as "the Mark Twain of wife beaters." On that note, Tom will let PFT go. AP Mike says Drinrnern is on the line. Tom wants no part of this non-nominee and tells AP Mike to can him. He congratulates PFT for winning Best Guest with Patton and Kevin Smith. PFT would like to congratulate Tom for something. He proceeds to "James" Tom.
Award #7: Worst Call
Defending Champion: N/A
1. Julie from Cincinnati ("Drunk History, Vol. 57")
JfC says that she's doing terrible this evening. It would take too long to explain the nature of her problems. Uhhhhh but! Guess what? D'ya wanna hear something? Hello. Yeeees.
2. Theresa ("Crossfire")
Tom asks Theresa what he can do for her this evening. Theresa isn't sure what the genre is for the program. Tom explains that he usually begins with some personal talk and then transitions into hardcore political debate. Theresa is fired up by this format. She wants to discuss what CNN correspondent Dr. Steve Perry was talking about with all the violence on children and children-on-children violence in Chicago and the rest of the country. Theresa says something about the misplaced concerns about the overseas conflict when we have such serious domestic problems. Tom vows to focus tonight's show on getting to the bottom of the epidemic ravaging our country. Theresa says that Dr. Perry opined that Chicago area ministers should be ashamed to accept their tithe money during Sunday services when there's that much violence in their community. Tom informs Theresa that his producer just handed him a note: "Hang up on this caller. This is a boring call and nobody wants to hear it."
3. Reeleyes ("MadTV on the Radio")
Tom recalls the horrible feeling of dread when seeing a new FOT Board post titled "FOT Suicide?" He feared that a listener had offed themself. In fact, it was just Reeleyes floating the idea of unveiling his Tom impression on the air. Reeleyes is ready to do an impression of Tom responding to his impression of Tom. Reeleyes-as-Tom is not pleased with the performance and wonders if Reeleyes thinks he's Frank Caliendo. Reeleyes-as-Tom thinks that Reeleyes made him sound like a creep. He tells AP Mike that this guy who bills himself as an amateur comic certainly got the "amateur" part right. Heave Ho! Reeleyes-as-Tom hangs up on himself. PFT thinks this was a wise decision. He thought a part of doing an impression was altering your voice in some way.
4. Spike ft. Martin Short ("IMartinShortDb")
Spike announces that he has a question and then goes silent. Short says that he is prepared to take it whenever Spike is ready to resume speaking. Spike recalls a movie Short made many years ago with Kevin Bacon. He knows that Bacon played an up-and-coming writer, but he can't think of the title. Short quickly identifies it as The Big Picture, which was directed by Christopher Guest, his fellow 1984-1985 SNLer. He played Bacon's effeminate and ineffectual agent, Neil Sussman. Spike says a friend of his owned a VHS copy of The Big Picture. Tom longs for the day when there is some kind of system for tracking down titles of older movies. Short suggests that Google is a viable option for acquiring this kind of information. Tom wonders if Spike had an actual question, or if he just wanted to get the title from a cast member. Spike says he hasn't seen it in years, so he was wondering if it was on DVD. Short thinks it is available on the format. Tom decides to drop "Marty" in favor of the more formal "Mr. Short" because the callers are failing. He gets a high-powered star, and they've gone nuts. A generous Mr. Short is sure that Spike had a point beyond just the title.
5. Spike ("Subway Stories")
Spike describes some of the free entertainment that came with his $2.25 subway ride package: people playing music that he doesn't like; weirdos exposed and muttering to themselves; people reciting poems; and, on one train, Mariachi Mexican music. Tom confirms that Spike is referring to the music "they" play. Spike recommends that listeners try riding the subway instead of spending $150 to see a play. Tom has reached the end of the road with Spike. This is his final call to the program.
WINNER: (tie) SPIKE w/ Martin Short and SPIKE on the subway! Spike has entered Titanic territory.
- Spike calls to accept yet another award. He will thank no one and like it.
Award #8: Best Moment
Defending Champion: N/A
1. Tom and Patton "Get Metsmerized" as a team of sociopaths who could hit baseballs rap to the rhythms in their cocaine-filled heads.
2. Laurie from Miami and Larry Da Perv Go on a Radio Date.
3. Tom and PFT discuss The Gathering of the Juggalos.
4. The Weirdos Exposed Saga.
5. Bruno S. promotes The Mike Show.
Tom announces that someone sent him some audio. He thinks it's sick that AP Mike already has the Hank IV theme song, as well as some bed music. Tom asks AP Mike if he knows what he has now. AP Mike guesses outro music, but it's bumpers. Tom brings up the audio. It's a fairly crazed German man offering greetings to "The Best and Mike Show." AP Mike's headphones fall off as he laughs at the clip. Tom asks him if he knows what it was. AP Mike suspects that it's some sort of spliced-up dialogue from Inglorious Basterds. It is not. Tom plays the clip again. AP Mike now realizes that it's Bruno Schleinstein, the actor from his favorite film, Strotesick. Tom explains that a young man named Herman wrote to them. Herman plays in the Nose Flute Orchestra of Kreuzberg, where Bruno S. regularly attends rehearsals as a mumbling guest in the easy chair. He thought it would be nice to send greetings from Bruno S. Mike thinks it's phenomenal. Tom plays the second clip, which is The Mike Show's first promo: "Velcome ... to ... The MikeShow!" A giddy AP Mike thinks Herman has provided some unbelievable and amazing stuff. Tom concludes that this is like Christmas Day for Mike. He suspects that the only thing that would make AP Mike happier is the arrival of that hoarder with some rotten pumpkins in tow. Tom reports that on the FOT Chat Josh wrote, "I can't believe how bizarre The Best Show is in 2009." The show is spiraling into some weird territory. Tom continues to play the promo clip to the delight of AP Mike.
WINNER: The Gathering of the Juggalos, of course.
- Tom congratulates a caller he thinks is PFT. LDP wishes he was mistah Tompkins dere. AP Mike explains that he thought it was PFT's voice due to tonal similarities. Tom says the only thing that LPD and PFT have in common is possession of a voice box. LDP says they both like King of the Hill dere (PFT voiced "Professor Twilley" in a 2005 episode) and suits dere like you know tuxedos and such dere. Tom loves when PFT dons a tux. He's certain that the only suits LDP knows are the ones that get filed against him when he peeps through windows. LDP wonders what kind of windows dere. Tom has no time for this monster.
Tom welcomes Martin to the program and thanks him for coming down to the studio. He touts Martin as the producer of The Best Show Gems podcast, but the Swede believes the title is just a glorified way of saying he picks the clips. Tom assures him that he is a legit a producer of this audio product. Martin knows of Tom's discussion of futbol (aka "footie"), and he wants Tom to became a fan of Malmö FF! Tom asks him if there will be any conflict with the current season and the upcoming 2010 World Cup. Martin says there will not because Sweden did not qualify for the tournament. He will root for France to take the title. Martin reveals that the Brazilian squad makes his blood boil when they take the pitch. He is a bit concerned that his commentary will start a backlash against him. Martin explains that he
hates people from Brazil thinks they have built a myth around them that needs to be shattered. Per Tom's request, Martin provides a sample of a Malmö FF chant. DJ Terre T suggests an IKEA chant. Tom asks Martin if Malmö FF players build IKEA furniture at halftime. He quickly apologizes for the racist question.
Award #9: Worst Caller
Defending Champion: Trembling Eagle
1. Andy from Bath, England ("Young American")
A British boy tries to speak with a proper American accent. As an American boy might say: EPIC FAIL, dude.
2. Michael K from The Cynics ("Nobody Better Lay a Finger On My Primanti Bros. Sandwich!")
Michael K calls to throw his hat in the ring to do his own show within The Best Show. He's sure that he can talk for 20 minutes, especially if he can take some calls with his finger on the button and dump people. More importantly, he can't believe that Tom told the New York Butterfinger story! That's the way he always knew it, i.e., the way he heard it in the early 1990s from the Atlan-TUH band the Subsonics.
3. James ("He's Gotta Do It")
A caller offers a quick story about Spike Lee. In a nutshell, his friend worked as a grip on one of his films, and he James'd him. Oh, he's back! Jamesjamesjamesjamesjames!
4. Larry Da Perv ("Click")
LDP thinks he may have been disconnected dere last time. It happens again. Zach G. snort-laughs.
5. Spike ("Spiked and Neutered")
Spike busts out a "Heeeeeellllllooooo, Patton!" complete with cackling. Patton is glad that he got his wife pregnant last year because he just got sterilized.
WINNER: Larry Da Perv in an upset!
Tom is alarmed by all the hooting in the background. He fears that LDP is lurking in the Green Room.
- OK, hello Tom Scharpling here's Julie from Cincinnati I like you, hello. Tom regrets to inform JfC that she was not nominated for Worst Caller. She thinks that's fine, but also that somebody made a mistake on that count. Tom tells her not to be so hard on herself. JfC says she's just being honest with the world. Tom tells her to have a great night and recommends drinking plenty of water.
Award #10: Best Call
Defending Champion: Catherine from West Orange ("Hey, Coach!")
1. Mike from Chicago featuring Dreurnernnnen from Chicago ("Psych Out")
2. Chris L from Maryland ("Rockit")
3. Mike in Brooklyn ("Goin' South")
Mike says that he and his sister embarked on the eight-hour drive from Indiana to Atlanta with the goal of getting to Indianapolis as fast as possible to zip onto the proper highway and reduce their overall travel time. Mike proceeded to hit 120 mph, forgetting that police might be patrolling the roads. Tom thinks this is the plot of The Cannonball Run.
The officer approached the window to discuss the situation with the speed demon. Mike rolled down said window, and his sister launched into a full-blown conniption complete with fake convulsions. After arriving at the ER, Mike realized that if the ruse continued, he would be stuck with hospital bills. His sister informed the attending nurse that she was feeling much better. The officer wrote the $300 speeding ticket. Mike laments that his attempt at making great time turned into a 14-hour odyssey after dealing with the John Q. Law citation and subsequent improv performance.
4. Pastor Josh/Fredericks ("Pastor Josh Mysteries")
Tom will send AP Mike up to the Chicago area to help break into meth labs. He is certain that AP Mike owns weapons and is not afraid to use them. Tom anoints Pastor Josh as "The Holy One" like Tom Bosley. When night comes PJ sorts through the collection basket to set aside half of the money for the church and divert the rest to fund the covert operation known as S.C.U.M. Force. Fredericks is positively giddy about this. He defines the acronym as Secret Christian Urban Missionaries, but PJ says there's no place less urban than his town. It is reconfigured as S.C.U.M.M. Force: Southern Christian Ultra-Militant Missionaries, featuring AP Mike, Fredericks, LDP, and assorted other mutants. Tom predicts that at some point PJ will realize that he made a deal with The Devil, and the S.C.U.M.M. Force will take over his town.
WINNER: Chris L
- LDP calls to accept the Worst Caller award dere. He says something about parody being the sweetest form of imitation or something along those lines dere. LDP thinks it's very sweet that he and Tom are friends. He thanks good personal friend Mr. Patton Oswald, good personal acquaintance Mr. PFT, his Ma, Fairleigh Dickinson University dere, Tom, Michael, and Theresa [sic] dere. Tom tells LDP that they have come a long way from the days when the calls didn't go so well. He asks LDP how it felt back then. LDP says it was a little rough, but he knew that Tom had his best intentions in mind. He fears that Tom will GOMP him. Tom informs LDP that he is prohibited from GOMPing an award winner. LDP thinks that policy is awesome and wants to talk about stuff. Tom somehow loses the call.
- Chris L accepts the Best Call award by thanking Elvis and Herbie. He thinks this is proof to anyone who's on the downside of advantage that it's possible to succeed.
THE AWARD WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR ...
Award #11: Caller of the Year
Defending Champion: Laurie from Miami
1. Laurie from Miami ("Eros")
Laurie calls Tom out for failing to recite the legal station identification at the top of the hour.
She asked a couple of "associates" to call during The Mike Show. Tom suspects it was painter/filmmaker Julian Schnabel. Laurie says it was the President of VividAlt and -- you guessed it -- a painter/pornographer. Tom's shocked to hear this.
2. Dave from Knoxville ("Men at Work")
And so the guy is standing down on the ground with 60 windshields falling down on him. The forklift driver and couple of guys on the other side of the falling crate see the crate hit the ground and the yellow hardhat splinter in every direction. Shards the size of fingernails. They assume the guy is crushed under it. When the noise clears the guy is standing about six feet on the other side of the mayhem. He jumped back and his hardhat fell. The crate landed on his hardhat with MAX FORCE. The lucky guy is laughing maniacally about escaping bodily injury.
3. Julie from Cincinnati ("The Julie Show")
"Oh, can you do this? Can you put this table with this and I say you can and I can see it in my head just how you can and she can't."
4. Ben Kharakh ("Two for Tuesday")
Mr. Kharakh recalls two previous show topics. In the first, Tom asked people to share a story about losing their mind. In the second, he solicited scenarios in which people felt compelled to say, "Friend(s), I love you, but I'm gonna have to call you out on this one." Kharakh has a story in which he is both of those people!
5. Auntie Christina ("Adult World")
Booze breath. Cough drops. The fix was in!
6. Fredericks from New Port Richey ("Wild Things")
"The gator chomped him!"
- Omar the Scrivener sneaks in to certify the results of tonight's Awards Show. He confirms that the proceedings have been aboveboard. Tom appreciates the certification. Omar believes that Fredericks deserved his trophy because he brought a lot to the table this year. Tom agrees. He mentions that calling is not Omar's thing. Omar says that he prefers to pick his spots and only call during the annual Awards Shows. Tom appears to be amused by this approach. He thanks Omar again for making everything official.
Dear Tom -
Sorry for the tardy response. Hope this message finds you well. Go straight to Falken's Maze for all iChat-related issues.
You're welcome, munch.
Mac N. Tosh.
P.S. - The only winning move is not to play.
Photo credit: DJ Terre T