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Take 'Em All.

"They got the guns, but we got the numbers." -- James Morrison, touting a strategic advantage

"Come on. Help me! HELP! HELP!" -- Thomas Scharpling, yelling for the arrival of his army

"It's a recession. I'm not gonna name names, but, uh, let's just say there's a new President. Right? No? Played that wrong? Blaming Obama for this? That's not going over so well. No, I'm kidding. That was a joke. Please, that was a joke. I promise you, I voted for Obama." -- Tom, selecting a poor time to insert a fake political rant into the proceedings

"Is it 75 dollars in cash or in bottles that I can redeem 5 cents at a time in Delaware?" -- Tom, questioning AP Mike's payment method

"Looks like you guys are in trouble. What'd you do, spend all that dough on fudge?" -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., speculating on WFMU's candy-filled coffers

"Ohhhh ... it's eros. And you'll be hearing much more of it when you guys ... go down in flames." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., promising an erotic takeover by Kern-O-Tronics

"You will never win. You will lose. You'll never make it. NEVER! NEVER!" -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., casting serious doubts on WFMU's mini-marathon success

"Yeah, all broads*. Let's get all the broads sitting on the phones at 800-989-9368. Okay, thank you there, Rusty Warren." - Tom, taking Terre T to task for her terminology

*later revised by DJTT to the more flattering and respectful "beautiful, feminist, super-intelligent women"

"I've already pledged, but I'm pledging again because Tommy made a Rusty Warren reference. And that's why the station must continue!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, rewarding a successful quip

"I think he's one of the worst dudes who's ever done anything in any form. And I mean I'm not even talking about the arts. I'm talking about like ... like ... I'm comparing him against anybody who's done anything. He's worse than the worst garbage man. Worse than the worst guy who works at Home Depot. He's just bad. But how come I know so much about him?" -- Tom, explaining his complicated relationship with William Martin Joel

"It's an emergency so I'll save my novella for the regular marathon." -- The polarizing Michael K. from The Cynics, sparing listeners another one of his Pitt-y Parties

"Pumpkins on the floor, money in the bank." -- Tom, seconding Chris L's plea for pledges from hoarders

"We're all about the fire here! I'm not about some elevator rock "Moondance." I'm not at the Ice Capades with my parents! I saw Van Morrison's Ice Capades. He was pretty good. He's a pretty good skater. You'd think a guy with that girth would not be so good on skates. He was pretty good." -- Tom, complimenting the former Shout! Network variety show host on his blades of glory

"Let's do it for Poppa! My fans are calling me 'Poppa' now. So let's do it for Poppa!" -- AP Mike, summoning his followers with his new nickname

"Marathon's over. Marathon's over. No more pledges. Don't want 'em." -- Tom, fleeing Poppa's crazies


[TBSOWFMU - 11/17/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter-S / Twitter-W]

MX-80 Sound - "Man On The Move"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Hard Attack)

Thomas Function - "When I Was A King"

( Click here to acquire the rest of In the Valley of Sickness)

The Mantles - "What We Do Matters"

( Click here to acquire the rest of The Mantles)

Spider Bags - "Hey Delinquents"

( Click here to buy Goodbye Cruel World, Hello Crueler World)

The Ettes - "Blood Red Blood"

( Click here to buy Do You Want Power)

Looker [aka GBV] - "100 Colors"

( Click here to buy Suitcase 3: Up We Go Now)

Explosion Topic [aka GBV] - "Tired Of Knocking"

( Click here to buy Suitcase 3: Up We Go Now)

JEFF the Brotherhood - "Dreamscape"

( Click here to buy Heavy Days)

Part Chimp - "Dirty Sun"

( Click here to buy Thriller)

Thao with The Get Down Stay Down - "Good Bye Good Luck"

( Click here to buy Know Better Learn Faster)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Host Tom Scharpling begs listeners for help because The Best Show on WFMU 2009 Emergency Mini-Marathon needs to bring it home in November. As usual, Tom is counting on everyone to dial those 10 magic numbers or punch up wfmu.org to do The Right Thing. He doesn't want to do this, but he has to do this to help the station fill the 10% shortfall from the March marathon and raise $200,000 in 24 hours. Like many Americans, WFMU is feeling the pinch of the recession caused by GWB and his criminal cronies and exacerbated by the reign of Barack Hussein Oblama and his parade of Pinkos. Yes, heads will roll, and no cock will be left unsparred.

However, Tom is sickened by the silence in the absolutely dead Phone Room. He demands to hear more ringing phones and less idle chit-chattery from the assembled volunteers. Tom planned to add yet another moment of triumph to his marathon legacy, but the early returns suggest a terrible turfout. His voice is already failing, and at the end of the first hour he makes a gurgling noise that may be the result of an attempted poisoning. And so desperate times call for desperate measures, which, of course, means that the ABBA box returns from an extended hiatus to rouse the troops with a spin of "Voulez Vous." Take a look at this elegant young man:


Speaking of desperation, later in the show AP Mike, co-host of the new "Tuesday Night Creepover" program, calls for the facepickers, the scab-peelers, the hair-pullers, the needle-plungers, the candy-snorters, the 'lude-lovers, the germaphobes, the traumatized, the humiliated, the cruel, the mangled, the hopeless, the confounded, the inebriated, the mummified, the sex addicts, the sexy, the exercise addicts, the perpetually horny, the socially awkward, the adult film stars, the adult film supporting performers, the adult film technical crewpeople, the Grateful Dead burnouts, the German cinephiles, the shut-ins, Walter Flanagan, the erotic bookstore proprietors, the insomniacs, the hoarders, the felons, the fearful freaks, the trash humpers, and the Bayonne bleeders to pledge for the cause.

Circle of Phones/Volunteers


Co-host: DJ Terre T from WFMU's Cherry Blossom Clinic, which airs every Saturday from 3 p.m. - 6 p.m.

  • Megan, holding down the Hot Corner with Craig Nettles-circa-'77 aplomb
  • Supa-hot CANdace
  • Kirstin
  • Auntie Christina
  • Therese
  • Chris
  • Joe
  • Daniel B.
  • Chad
  • DJ Hatch
  • Nick the Bard
  • The other, handsome Mike

Tom initially assigned AP Mike to Phone #15, which is located around the corner at The Iron Monkey. He recorded pledges on bar napkins. He was later moved back to the main studio's Phone #7, which routes to a Suicide Hotline.

$75 Tom/Terre Premium

Heroes Do What Heroes Do Fun Pack


Prong #1: Exclusive t-shirt designed by cartoonist/drawer-er Michael Kupperman

Prong #2: CD featuring 12 hours worth of unarchived Best Show installments, including the first two shows in October 2000 with Tom bombing hard and flopping about, fan-fiction storytelling (including "Larry Legend"), and the long-anticipated, one-man, tour-de-force Mr. Brooks sync-em-up.

Prong #3: DJ Terre T's Idiot Box compile-ation CD featuring supa-rare punk and 6Ts garage rock 'n roll music related to the teevee set. [**Black Sabbath not included**]

As a special bonus tonight, the first five Mouse-or-better pledges will receive a copy of Sam Seder's A Bad Situationist DVD. The former Air America host is perhaps best known for releasing the beloved TĂȘtes Lourdes: Français Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970 compilation on his own Seder Records imprint.

Y3K (1,000 beans)

Patton Oswald (Seder #1)

Patton Oswald, stand-up comedian, actor, and brother of famous early-6Ts patsy Lee Harvey Oswalt, sets the pace early and challenge's Tom's other celebrity friends (where the F was Sanjaya tonight??) to dip into their Gene Simmons-sized wallets. The gauntlet has been thrown down. PO urges potential pledgers to "Get Metsmerized!," a reference to the 1986 Mets hip-hop tune that so delighted him during his last visit to the studio. Tom attempts to squeeze an airhorn to celebrate PO's plump pledge, but the device lacks the juice needed to audibly toot toot doola toot doo ... toot doo.


- A caller observes that it looks like someone is in a little trouble. He wonders if WFMU spent the entire $1 million from the two-week March marathon on fudge. Due to his unmistakable voice and confectionary reference, Tom knows it's the one and only Zachary Brimstead, Esq., the morbidly obese barbershop quartet singer who has been giving him a hard time for nearly a decade. ZB calls Tom a "dunce" for not realizing that he is the genre-defining figure in the barbershop world.

He repeats some supposed street buzz that the high school that owns and operates WFMU is tired of its riff-raff listenership. ZB claims that the administration wants to start attracting higher caliber citizens who enjoy barbershop music. Tom is not surprised to hear ZB espouse such beliefs. He informs ZB that WFMU is in the middle of a mini-marathon to get a nice shot in the arm to last until next spring. ZB says the word in Newbridge is that KernCo's entertainment division, the crazily-named Kern-O-Tronics, will buy the station if it falls short of the 24-hour goal. He predicts that on Friday there will be no more Big Dipper or Paul McFartley on these airwaves. ZB giggles at his Spike-like nickname for the former Beatle. He informs Tom that instead of the current freeform, DJ-driven format, the new WFMU will dig deep into the catalogs of The Cracker Jills, America's best all-female barbershop quartet (featuring former Vixen drummer Roxy Petrucci), The Clef Notes, and barbershop titans, Masters of Harmony. ZB asks Tom if he wants a sample of the new programming. Before Tom can finish saying "not really" ZB belts out a tune:

Oh, honey, won't you let me butter your buns Butter your buns Butter your buns

Oh, honey won't you-----

Tom says it's the worst song he's ever heard. ZB is alarmed that Tom censored him before he got to "the good part." Tom explains that he cut him off based on past performances that entered filthy lyrical terrain, such as the grossness that characterized his controversial "Barbershop Eros" phase. Other ZB infractions have included using the "n-word" (billed as a misguided homage to rappers like Ol' Dirty Bastard) and nearly unleashing an incendiary line from GNR's "One In A Million." ZB is unphased by Tom's concerns and resumes singing:

Yes, sir, that's my baby Yes, sir, don't ya know Yes, sir, that's my baby He's the handsomest guy I know!

Oh, you tell me your dream, and I'll tell you mine
We're riding the horse, just feeling fine!
I reach down my pants, and you-----

Tom bleeps ZB before he can continue his sonic pant rummage. ZB is very disappointed and argues that he's simply expressing his love of eros. Tom says it's disgusting. ZB promises him that more eros will surface after WFMU goes down in flames. Tom wonders why KernCo would have any interest in running a barbershop music outlet. ZB says that everybody wants to hear this type of music, but Tom disputes its widespread appeal. ZB says the new owners will also add some sports blocks to the programming lineup. Tom assumes that will include basketball and football coverage, but ZB says it will focus on the finest in extreme fighting, belt whipping, and White Ball. Tom has heard of White Ball, but he's not sure how it's played. ZB does some play-by-play using an announcer voice he honed by taking lessons:

"Ohhh, boy! Dinkleman really has West Oldbridge by the whiskers, doesn't he? If he's not the best feltsman in White Ball, I don't know who is. Oh my goodness, he's using all his feathers now! That ball's gonna go out of the pool if you ask me."

Tom is impressed by the very convincing vocal stylings, but he doesn't want to know any more about a water sport involving feathers. ZB clarifies that players use quills. Tom tells ZB that WFMU is doing pretty well so far tonight, but they need more phone action. ZB is convinced that the station will never win. Tom assures him that they will. ZB says they will lose and starts chuckling. He repeats that they will never make it and moan-yells "NEVER!" twice before parting with a final verse, presumably "the good part" he referenced earlier in the call:

"Oh, baby, let me butter your buns before noon comes, 'cause that's when your dad comes home."

Prize Wall ($15+ eligibility)

1. The Dirtbombs - We Have You Surrounded CD

Winner: Jason (Jace?) in Columbia, MO

2. Gene Clark* with the Gosdin Brothers CD


Winner: Amanda in Wilmington, DE

3. The King Khan & BBQ Show - Invisible Girl CD

Winner: Graham in Brooklyn, NY

4. She & Him - Volume One CD

Winner: Sean in Floral Park, NY

5. The Replacements - Tim reissue CD

Winner: Greg in Bloomington, IN

6. Reigning Sound - Live at Goner Records CD

Winner: A guy named Jeff

7. Pavement - Brighten the Corners: Nicene Creedence Edition 2xCD

Winner: Christian in Flemington, NJ

8. MF Doom - Live from Planet X CD

Winner: Franklin in Brooklyn, NY

9. Cococoma - Cococoma CD

Winner: Pete in Plainfield, NJ

10. Nardwuar the Human Serviette: Doot Doola Doot Doo ... Doot Doo! 2xDVD

Winner: Stephen N. in North Berwick, ME ["Congratulations, Stephen!" -- Tom as Nardwuar]

11. Them (aka Van Morrison Before He Stunk) - Them

Winner: Mac(k) in Somerville, MA

12. Big Star: The Short Life, Painful Death, and Unexpected Resurrection of the Kings of Power Pop by Rob Jovanovic Book (stained with pecan ice cream from Sedutto's!)

Winner: Joe S. in Mount Laurel, NJ

13. Gonerfest 2 CD/DVD combination

Winner: Josh in Miami, FL

14. The Black Hollies - Casting Shadows CD

Winner: Duncan in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

15. Limited Edition "Taste of Newbridge" tea canister

Winner: Andrew in Portland, OR

Countries Conquered


States Secured


Mouse Pledges (350 beans)

  • Bradley in Santa Rosa, CA (Seder #2)
  • Chris in Conshohocken , PA (Seder #3)
  • Auntie Christina from the Phone Room (Seder #4)
  • Scott in Seattle, WA (Seder #5)
  • Justin in Oakland, CA
  • John in Marlboro, NJ
  • Kirstin from the Phone Room via CT
  • Famous Comedienne Paul F. Tompkins from CA
  • Pete in Plainfield, NJ
  • Forrest M. in Brooklyn, NY
  • Dan in MA
  • Douglas in Brooklyn, NY
  • Thomas in Lindenwold, NJ
  • Gerard C. in Austin, TX
  • Matt in Sherwood, AZ
  • Henry W. in Upper Montclairbridge, NJ
  • Jacob in Nutley, NJ

500 beans

  • Actore/Writore/Endorser John Hodgman from his Macintosh-enabled panic room
  • Joseph & Erin in Jersey City, NJ

GRAND Prizes

1. 3-CD Madlib Set: Beat Konducta Vol 3-4: Beat Konducta in India, Beat Konducta Vol. 5-6: Dil Cosby & Pick Withers Suite, and WLIB AM: King of the Wigflip.

Winner: Jacob in San Francisco, CA

2. You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W. Bush autographed by star Will Ferrell + three Aqua Teen Hunger Force plush dolls + The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser DVD autographed by AP Mike.

Winner: Juliana D. in Washington, D.C.

tomcards.jpgTOTAL: ~$75,000

2009 Marathoning GRAND TOTAL: ~$200,000!!!!!!
[New World Record per AltaVista's ultra-beta version of Ask Higgins (Not the dude from Jeff Mangum, PI) information portal]


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