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Fleet Week.

"This is amazing. Nothing is happening in the phone room. It's embarrassing. One dude called, and another guy thought this was a karate studio. Really? Karate studio? This is not a karate studio. It's WFMU!" -- Sensei Captain Tom Scharpling, setting sail into eerily calm waters
"Anyone who knows the Famous Flamer knows that you can't hustle a Famous Flamer at air hockey." -- Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno, suffering no punks in the hotel game room
"They lock the bathrooms at noight!" -- PBR, lamenting the security measures at the Manyunk Public Libary
"I missed Torque. I remember wanting to see Torque one night, and I didn't get to see it 'cause I was here doing my show." -- Tom, noting one of the many cinematic sacrifices he makes for weekly radio broadcasting
"I'm making it a race. I don't want it to be family. I want it to be a vicious competition where people gotta step up or GO HOME." -- Paul F. Tompkins, testing out his Big Dogs/No Fear spec packet to stir up a DJ pledge battle
"If you are a giant, you are afraid of very little." -- Paul F. Tompkins, downplaying concerns about Shaquille O'Neal's open-diner Tweet policy
"Sounded like you were doing a weird Scottish accent like it was a Raisins Rice & Rye commercial." -- Tom, questioning the authenticity of Therese's attempt at a Yardley, PA accent
"So high." -- Paul F. Tompkins, speculating on the condition of Rob in the Netherlands
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" - Listener Darth Vader, displaying rare emotion after not winning the King Khan and the Shrines CD

"This money was originally going to buy Harry Knowles a new wheelchair bib, but now: Best Show." -- Mac in Austin, depriving a local legend of barbecue-free clothing

"It's gotta come from the people. There's no government bailout of WFMU from B. Hussein Obama." -- Paul F. Tompkins, replacing Blob Limbaugh, Esq. as the new face of the Republican Party
"Hey-o!" -- Ted Leo, reacting (ironically) to an overheated Aimee Mann shedding one of her winter layers after her first music set
"Every week is Fleet Week with my new look!" -- Tom, anchoring the SS Best Show for a permanent docking
"It's a little strawberry milk, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter to me the brand. I make no endorsements. You know how I loathe advertising." -- John Hodgman, enjoying an unspecified refreshment with his integrity intact
"Why don't you just step up to the plate and knock out a home run into relationship stadium." -- Paul F. Tompkins, doling out an apt sports metaphor to a Mouse-pledging commitment-phobe
"I can't strictly read. I don't know if that's weird to admit right now, but I can't read as such. But I'm very good at memorizing shapes. And I feel like I've seen a lot of these before." -- Paul F. Tompkins, preparing to grapple with the geometry of the "Wise Up" lyric sheet
"We'll take pledges from racists*." -- Paul F. Tompkins, accepting a donation from Dog the Bounty Hunter *allegedly
"Sounds like Therese is gonna get thrown into the Sarlacc's pit!" -- Tom, fearing for his co-host during a Star Wars trivia takedown
"We're talented! All of us!" -- Tom, praising his steroidal bandmates after a triumphant Eleanor John finale

[TBSOWFMU - 03/10/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]


Jawbox - "Jackpot Plus!"

( Click here to buy For Your Own Very Special Scharpling)

Unrest - "When It All Comes Down" (Miaow cover)

( Click here to buy Afternoon Delight - Love Songs from Sub Pop)

Tommy Keene - "A Secret Life of Stories"

( Click here to buy In The Late Brights)

Boston Spaceships - "Heavy Crown"

( Click here to buy Planets Are Blasted)

Millionaire At Midnight - "Drink A Toast"

( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:


The Week 2 Marathon Crew

Captain and First Mate: Tom Elihu Scharpling and Therese

Cavalcade of Guest Stars: Theodore F. Leo, Aimee Mann, Paul F. Tompkins, and John Hodgman

Chef de Cuisine: Lou

Sound Engineer: Glenn Luttman

General Beverage Supplier: Sal

Flavored Milk Sommelier: J. Hodgman

Poster Retriever: Spoony in Brooklyn

Ahoy! Captain Tom Scharpling begins Week 2 of The Best Show on WFMU marathon by giving everyone their mission: keep the phones ringing from the start of this exciting Tuesday night installment all the way to the end. Three hours of mirth, music, and telephonic mayhem. He introduces his amazing co-host, Therese, and reminds listeners that WFMU desperately needs their financial support to remain solvent in a landscape littered with awful corporate sleaze, shameful Funzie schemes, and slimy federal funding. The station avoids this fetid financial filth with a skeletal paid staff and a roster of unpaid volunteers who Dig Deep every day to deliver an endless array of freeform fun. Tom is embarrassed by the lack of activity in the phone room.

He reports that one dude hung up, and another dude thought he was calling a karate studio. Tom makes it clear that WFMU does not double as a dojo, although musical guest Ted Leo, abuzz from 5-Hour Energy® shots and 5-Alarm vegan Thai, did strike a trio of volunteers with a wildly errant "triple crane kick" demo a few minutes before airtime. The extremely rare move had not been attempted in New Jersey since a young Cobra Kai Kiddies® recruit named Johnny "Fudge" Larson tried it in 1989 at the Brokenbridge YMCA and suffered a career-ending groin rupture. Mr. Leo's unintended targets were completely disoriented by the blows, but a hair-netted and glassy-eyed AP Mike magically healed them by placing wafer-thin slices of ACME's best cold cuts (dubbed a "meat salve") and a few scoops of primo egg salad on the points of impact. Ancient Bayonne secret, huh?! Tom will not accept defeat after last week's record-setting performance. It's time for an old-fashioned hootenanny!

The phone room has been transformed into the bustling deck of a ship with volunteers sporting jaunty FOT sailor caps as they idle at their stations. Therese threatens to launch into an "On the Good Ship Lollipop" song-and-dance routine if people don't start pledging. Tom asks Therese to describe his attire for the evening. Therese reveals that Tom is looking very fetching in what appears to be a Judge Smails-inspired yachting outfit. Tom confirms that he was indeed trying to replicate the classic look of Ted Knight in Caddyshack. Therese declares Tom victorious in this sartorial quest. Tom later dispels the phone room rumor that he dons the nautical threads nightly, but he does agree that his mastery of the ensemble is worthy of frequent public display. Aimee Mann advises him to wear the outfit daily because it pairs well with his haughty demeanor. At a minimum, Tom should block off some time this summer to parade through McCarren Park with an eye patch and wooden walking stick, shooing scraggly dogs, poking coke-dusted hipsters, and knocking pot-leaf Frisbees off their intended flight plans.

- The Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno calls to talk to Tom Scharpling about the sluggish start to tonight's proceedings. Tom notices that the Famous Flamer sounds extremely hoarse. The Famous Flamer explains that he experienced severe voice trauma after wrapping a three-day promotional blitz at Orzman Dodge in Youngstown, Ohio. He was running a special where customers could bring cars to the dealer lot to see if they could rev their engines louder than his trademark yells. If the car prevailed, Orzman Dodge would award the owner a generous $50 credit towards the purchase of a new vehicle. Tom assumes that the Famous Flamer fell a bit short in most of these man-vs.-machine battles.

Hustle and Air Flow: A young punk sizes up the Famous Flamer

The Famous Flamer says he was actually doing really well all weekend, but he made the mistake of arriving in town a day before the event kickoff. While he was passing the downtime in the hotel game room, a couple of punks tried to hustle him at the air hockey table. The Famous Flamer points out that anyone who knows the Famous Flamer knows that you can't hustle the Famous Flamer in this sport. The undeterred punks proved otherwise and had him down $87. The Famous Flamer gave them the option of taking their current winnings or bringing a car to Orzman Dodge for a double-or-nothing yell-off. The punks opted for the latter and proceeded to remove the muffler from a Dodge Dart to aid their chances. The Famous Flamer says he felt like he screamed his vocal chords out trying to win, but he ended up paying the punks $174. He realizes that he learned a valuable life lesson in Youngstown, Ohio. Tom is sorry to hear about this outcome.

He appreciated the Famous Flamer's passionate fundraising efforts during last year's marathon, but he doesn't think his services are necessary this year. The Famous Flamer wants to at least offer a quick jumpstart before the nurse comes back to check on him. Since he's been bleeding from his vocal chords, the doctors advised him to avoid talking on the phone. The Famous Flamer predicts that his caretakers will find it difficult to tamp down his enthusiasm. He asks Tom for permission to get the phone bank workers all fired up with a classic call ("Famous!") and response ("Flamer!) cheer. Tom gives him the go-ahead to revive the dead phones. After a couple of rounds, the Famous Flamer's voice becomes a blood-soaked croak. He manages a barely audible "Good Luck, Tom" and presses several buttons on his phone before hanging up.

Week 2 Phone Patrol


Supervisor: Martin from Sweden

- Neil
- Matthew Fluxblog
- Mike from Summit
- Vito Clooney Landesberg
- Karen
- Sherri (Volunteer Extraordinaire)
- Gregory
- AP Mike
- Harold
- Gordon
- Groteface Killah
- Hatch

Behind the Scenes Maestro: Chad

Special Achievement in Marathon Assistance: DJ Terre T, hostess of the Cherry Blossom Clinic, Saturdays from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m (ET) on WFMU

The Newbridge Mayor's Ranch braces for its new First Family

- Philly Boy Roy, seemingly showing no ill effects from last week's swill swallowing, checks in to express his pleasure that ain't nobody calling in. He asks Tom if he hears the echo effect caused by his presence in a museun. Tom is thrown by the term, and PBR concludes that Tom doesn't spend much time cracking culture. Tom informs him that the space in question is called a museum. PBR says he actually broke into the Manyunk Public Library to use the facilities. He's pacing the hallway and still unrelieved because he can't figure out how to break the lock. PBR says he was surprised to discover that the library staff secures the bathrooms at night. Tom thinks this is just a common practice to prevent break-ins. PBR says he really has to go. Tom announces that the phones have stopped. PBR suspects that they haven't been ringing all night because people heard about what Tom was doing in the park. Tom has no idea what he's talking about. PBR insists that Tom ventured outdoors and did untoward stuff. Tom accuses him of making it up, and PBR says he's "probably not" lying.


Tom asks Therese if she can believe that PBR is making these bold claims. She suggests that PBR has just committed an act of slander or libel. PBR wants to know if this Perez is Tony Perez, the Golden Gloved cog in the 1970s Big Red Machine. Tom says his co-host is a woman named Therese, not the Cuban infielder. He's not sure what else to say, but he thinks PBR accomplished his goal of killing the phones. Tom wants people to pledge if they can't stand the new Mayor of Newbridge. PBR amends his new title to the Mayor of Earth, and Therese declares tonight's effort to be a referendum on the new administration's attempt at planetary rule. PBR concludes that the people love him, but hate Blob. In fact, he wants to celebrate with his new preferred chant: "They hate Blob!" Tom declines to debate the supposed verdict because he has to move the action-packed show along. PBR is disappointed that Blob no longer has time for "the little people." Tom points out that PBR was elected mayor, so the rest of the citizens would qualify as his Lilliputian subjects PBR starts growling about the importance of never forgetting that he's the mayor. Tom doesn't like it at all and hangs up. Therese is understandably terrified by these guttural grunts of demented desire.


Ted Leo Set #1

1. Ted Leo - "Nothing Much to Say" (from the Mo' Living EP)
2. Ted Leo - "[New Song]" (from the forthcoming Six-String Warrior)

David Ogden Stiers casts a spell on his costars in a scene from the critically excoriated adaptation of Richard III

- Comedienne Paul "Hutch" Tompkins, a man so famous he needs no introduction, makes his way to the DJ room to begin his first segment of banter. Tom morphs into veteran actor David Ogden Stiers and declares PHT one of the funniest duuuuuudes out there. He mentions that DOS has difficulty finding work due to his odd voice. When Weird-O-Wood producers request the Boston Brahmin accent of his M*A*S*H character, Major Charles Emerson Winchester III, DOS replies with a "Sorry, duuuuuuude." Tom reports that DOS is now forced to beg people to buy him Filet-O-Fish sandwiches at MacDonald's as his primary means of substenance. PFT joins in with an impression of DOS as the worst Mcbeth in the history of theater. Tom envisions an enterprising curator assembling the cast of M*A*S*H to do a run at Shakespeare in the Park.

Tom praises PFT for taking VH1's Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins (Fridays, 11 p.m.) through the roof under his titular stewardship. He anoints PFT as one of the greatest, if not the greatest, stand-ups alive. Tom speculates that there's some unknown kid who may be beating everyone at the game with groundbreaking riffs confined to his Poughkeepsie, NY, garage. PFT inquires about the origins of this disgusting quotation. Tom thinks he lifted the sentiment from Rat Pack entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr. He officially announces PFT to wild applause. PFT is thrilled to be inside the crazy whirligig that is The Best Show marathon after many appearances on regular, more intimate episodes. Tom mentions that he's usually just holding it down with PFT as Mike skulks around behind them. PFT says he's also noticed a praying mantis hiding in the studio. Tom reminds everyone that murdering this insect will result in a $50 fine and jail time. PFT and Tom brainstorm a pitch for a MANTIS Force series that examines the same interminable periods of inactivity that plague the lonely Maytag repairman. In the pilot, the rescue squad finally receives a report that a praying mantis is being stepped on by an eight-year-old. By the time they arrive at the scene of the squish, they exert excessive force because they are so keyed up to take down a perp. The crazed men proceed to beat the boy, who they believe is high on PCP, before discovering that he only stomped a grasshopper.

Tom thanks PFT for coming down to help set the phone room aglow. PFT compares the nutty atmosphere to being caught inside a wasp's nest equipped with phones. Tom alerts him to a duuuuuude standing next to him: Martin from Sweden. PFT wonders if his name should be pronounced as Mar-tan or perhaps the icy European grunt of simply Maart. Martin leaves the room in disgust. Tom announces that from this point on anyone who drops a Mouse pledge can ask PFT and/or John Hodgman for professional or personal advice that can be taken to the bank for a future life transaction. He assures listeners that these smart, sincere men will not be doing any crazy send-em-ups.


Tom says it means so much to him that his favorite comedienne is also a diehard fan of The Best Show. He doesn't understand why someone like PFT listens every week without fail. PFT says that once he got into the show in the mid-2000s, he plowed through the entire archive because he had to satisfy his fix. He fondly recalls the early days with 2:50 of music and 10 minutes of Tom's stilted talk. Tom does an impression of his former self nervously back-announcing a Pavement track, and PFT thinks his nascent radio voice sounds like the deep monotone of THE_REAL_SHAQ. Tom wishes T_R_S would join the New York Knicks so he could follow him around the tri-state area. PFT says that someone he knows thought T_R_S was crazy for encouraging Twitstalkers.

However, he argued that this human giant could take a quick break from his pancakes at the Alamo Diner and easily crush someone's head and gun with his massive hand. Tom imagines that T_R_S would then crumple the remains into a ball and start dribbling tableside. PFT says that while early-period The Best Show was entertaining, it's now so ludicrously entertaining that he could go another three hours after it ends. Tom is touched to hear the nicest thing anybody has ever said to him. PFT thinks it's about time Tom hears the truth about what he does each week. Tom thinks it's also about time for listeners to start pledging. PFT notes the smooth transition back into marathon mode. Tom says that his great gift is turning anything into a chance to give out the WFMU phone number.

tweetymad.pngAfter Therese burns through a batch of pledge cards, PFT throws down some very tough talk about shifting the marathon from a friendly, family affair to a full-on DJ Pledge War. The challenge reminds him of the craziest t-shirt he's ever seen -- a bootleg Warner Brothers piece starring Tweety Bird. When PFT spotted somewhere wearing it on the streets of Lipstick City, he noticed that this Tweety looked awfully angry with its folded wings and raised eyebrow. He felt the canary's accusatory glare as he read the caption underneath its feet: "And your point is?" Tom rejects Tweety's 'tude since he's never understood the point of 11-year-old shore trash wearing t-shirts demanding that people "Go Hard or Don't Go At All." PFT considers the possibility that the kid in question may go the hardest among his peers in various 11-year-old activities. Tom does an uncanny impression of the provocative pre-teen and instructs his voice agent to pull the clip at 1:22:04 for his reel. He hopes to get cast as the new Bart Simpson on The Simpsons v2.0. PFT wonders if anyone still watches the program in its 20th season. Tom doesn't think so. As Aimee Mann checks her levels, PFT bolts for Holland Tunnel. He Scored and Then Went Home.


"The new Hope & Crosby: Tom & Mike!" -- PFT
"You're gonna start making road pics." -- Therese
"If Mike's name starts goin' before mine, I leave." -- Tom

Aimee Mann Set #1

(strumming her guitar named "Ted Leo's Guitar That I Borrowed")

1. "Freeway" (ft. Ted Leo rocking out)
2. "31 Today"

(both from @#%&*! Smilers)


- Showbiz heavy hitter John Hodgman requests permission to come aboard the ship, and Captain Tom gladly welcomes the celebrated actore, writore, and spokesman for computores, freeform radio, cars, and any other product that needs to be sold. He praises Hodgman's ability to write circles around his literary contemporaries, such as Roberto Bolaño, author of the epic, 1100+ page 2666. Hodgman says he's not interested in getting thrust into any literary feuds, let alone one with a dead Chilean. Tom admits that he prefers Hodgman's more slender satires because he has difficulty wading through larger, more byzantine works. Hodgman agrees that his books are much easier on the arms during transport. While he enjoys his FOT cap, he laments that the jaunty effect is ruined by the blasted headphones. Hodgman longs for the advancement of ear wig technology to hide such blemishes. Tom hires Hodgman to be the radio man for the SS Best Show despite this aesthetic snafu. Hodgman asks Tom if listeners can call to get their own hats. Tom makes it very clear that it's an exclusive souvenir for volunteers and guests on tonight's program.


Tom wonders if there's anything the multi-talented Hodgman can't do. Hodgman confirms that he has a nice singing voice; however, he's no pugilist and would surely perish in a fight for his life. He makes sure that his Internet stalkers heard about this shortcoming. Tom recommends that Hodgman hang out with Shaq for protection against potential assailants. Hodgman mentions that Shaq's incredible court sense enables him to feel Twitterers around him while dining. Tom points out that acute peripheral vision is a trait shared by all the greats, including former NBA star and NJ Senator Bill Bradley, who could see 360 degrees around himself. Hodgman attributes the feat to the third eye on the top of Bradley's head. Tom proves that Hodgman hasn't completely cornered the trivia market by dropping some obscure superhero lore of his own. He claims that there was a time in the 1960s when people thought Bradley was Batman. Hodgman thinks this is a reasonable theory since Bradley was a NYC playboy and skilled athlete capable of fighting crime when not patrolling the hardcourt. Tom says that Bradley would take especially quick post-game showers whenever he saw the illuminated bat signal in the Gotham night sky.

hodgmanquik.pngHodgman says the atmosphere was electric when he was taking pledges with his fellow hat-wearers. Tom summons PFT to the studio to join Hodgman for their first Mouse pledge advice session. The pledger specifically requested PFT, but Tom wants Hodgman to weigh in as well. Tom asks Hodgman if he's drinking NestlĂ© Strawberry Quik®. Hodgman says he's drinking strawberry-flavored milk, but the brand doesn't matter to him because he loathes advertising. He has also not been hired to officially endorse the NestlĂ© Quik® product line. Tom initially predicts that he will join the fold in 2011 before realizing that you can't buy this guy. Hodgman, much like Brooklyn Tall Bike culture, is NOT FOR SALE.

Alter Egos


"I'm like the Bob Barker of freeform radio." -- Tom, inspiring listeners to adopt rescue dogs
"I'm the new Jon Polito! I'm Jon Polito 2.0 ... on steroids. From Hell." -- Tom, adopting the character actor's voice for a run of Thank Yous

Mousepledgeketeer Eric in Brooklyn asks PFT to help him overcome his fear of commitment. Hodgman questions PFT's qualifications to issue advice because he's not yet married. PFT ignores these concerns and advises Eric to take a look at himself in the mirrow, discover that he's a grown man, and then knock it off because we are now living in grown-up times. Tom starts to mention the grown-up President, but he yields the floor to PFT since he talks for three hours each week. PFT wonders if Eric fears that something good will happen in his life if he changes his behavior. He wants Eric to step up to the plate and knock a home run into the bleachers of relationship stadium. Hodgman says there's never been a case in the history of discourse where a sports metaphor was more earned or appropriate. PFT thinks that is very high praise coming from such a sports enthusiast. Tom wonders if PFT's line was also intended to serve as his audition for lyrical duties on Meat Loaf's new version of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." PFT says he was aiming more for the feel of a subpar Best Man toast delivered by someone who is terrified of public speaking.

Hodgman says he's so far on the other side of the umarried/married line that he resides beyond the demilitarized zone. PFT asks him if his journey has taken him all the way to a loveless marriage. Tom chastises PFT for the uncool query and informs him that any intended humor was delivered "too soon." Hodgman says he won't hold any grudges about PFT's insensitivity because he's not a spiteful or bitter man. He's just enjoying his strawberry milk and seconding the sentiments of Dr. Tompkins. PFT announces that he's the chocolate milk of this self-help juggernaut.


Hodgman asks PFT how long he dated his young lady prior to their recent engagement. PFT courted her for about three years, while Hodgman logged a full decade of pursuit. PFT points out that Hodgman and his wife had known each other since they were children shipwrecked on that island. Hodgman recalls the series of books that documented their adventures and inspired the very weird 1993 film adaptation, Alive. PFT says he was particularly bothered by the omission of the romance angle. Hodgman says most of the soccer action was also cut in favor of that one bit of unpleasantness. Since he already had his go-to feature for his cannibalism fix, he was especially disappointed by the narrative focus. PFT wants to know which cannibal film stars Tom Hanks. Hodgman identifies it is as Spike's favorite revenge fontasy, I Spit On Your Grave, one of Hanks's early, pre-Bosom Buddies turns. Tom mentions that Hanks, who played a character named Gobo, first met Peter Scolari (Sleaze #2) on the ISOYG set. He then realizes that the riveting conversation has enraptured people to the point where they are not calling to pledge. He asks Therese for any additional Mouse advice pledges, but Eric was the only one. PFT suspects that people don't want to hear the harsh truth of his words. Hodgman says people expected a little personalized yuk to amaze all their pals, but PFT is coming at them HARD. PFT enlists Hodgman in a brief role play about these false expectations:

JH: Hey, Paul, I'm having trouble committing. Uh ... what should I do about that?

PFT: Well, just keep doin' what your doin!


Tom believes he just saw the debut performance from the new Laurel & Hardy. PFT wonders if Tom means hopelessly dated, unfunny, and unattractive. Hodgman adds incredibly sweaty to the press bio. Tom hates that old junk, but he meant in terms of two finely-dressed men stepping up to announce their arrival on the scene. PFT and Hodgman advance towards Tom's face like the three-dimensional imagery in John Hodgman's Coraline. PFT says he's seen the film in all three dimension formats. Hodgman reminds listeners that it's still playing in 3-D at Brooklyn's Pavillion Theatre, which passed on Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. While Tom's love for the Pixar movies, such as Ratt & Louie and WALL-E, is well-known, he thinks the studio will finally have a real battle in 2009. He predicts that JHC will thump Pixar's forthcoming spring tentpole, Up, featuring the voice of Edward Asner as a retired balloon salesman, and win Best Animated Feature at the February 2010 Academy Awards. Hodgman confirms that JHC is a true story. PFT believes it's based on the same source material as ISOYG.


duplicitylives.pngTom asks Hodgman to do his voice for young Coraline's father, Charlie Jones. Hodgman greets his daughter in what he dismisses as his phony Bing Crosby voice. Tom applauds the scene, and Hodgman says the radio clip was even better in the 3-D format. Tom thinks everyone leaves these screening with the 3-D glasses, although Therese and Hodgman followed the rules of recycling. Tom says exhibitors are just asking that people place them in the box instead of dropping them on the floor. Hodgman says he went around and picked up all the discards. Tom wonders if there is a big washtub in the back room to give the greasy glasses a Palmolive soak. Hodgman thinks they use the blue solution that disinfects barber combs, a sanitizing method that can lead to eye burning for subsequent patrons. PFT says he saved his glasses because he wanted to find out how many movies are secretly filmed in 3-D. Much like the sunglasses that revealed a society littered with subliminal advertising messages in John Carpenter's They Live, PFT is hoping that his specs will put him right in the mix with Clive Owen and Julia Roberts when he screens Duplicity, the long-awaited prequel to Multiplicity. PFT fears that he just ripped off someone else's joke on live radio. Hodgman suggests a soul-cleansing pledge just to be safe. Tom transfers comedic ownership to PFT because he said it in front of a lot of witnesses. He says that Dane Cook takes advantage of this industry policy by racing to the Madison Square Garden to babble to a crowd of 20,000 every time something pops into his head. Tom gets back to business by throwing it over to Therese for a lighting round of pledge cards.

Ted Leo Set #2


1. Ted Leo - "The Mike Show Theme"

What makes you think you deserve the best?
You're lucky if life gives you slightly less than great.
Take some advice from Werner Herzog.
And accept your incredibly depressing fate.
When you're listening to The Mike Show ... on WFMU ...

2. Ted Leo - "Born in a German Town" (inspired by The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser and set to the tune of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA")

3. Ted Leo - "Timorous Me" (from The Tyranny of Distance)

World Domination: Phase 2

Countries Captured (both weeks):

Hungary (former home of a Coke City pledger)
New Zealand
Commonwealth of Puerto Rico
South Korea
Taiwan (People's Republic of China)

States Secured (both weeks):


"I'm goin' Reagan-style on this map! This is Reagan!" -- Tom, celebrating an electoral romp

District of Columbia

Tom directs everyone's attention to the mizzen-mast side of the submarine for a sonic stew cooked up by Aimee Mann and Paul F. Tompkins.

Aimee Mann Set #2

Stoop! Divide! Conquer!

"This song gets sad. Did you think this through?" - PFT

1. Aimee Mann w/ PFT - "Wise Up" (from the Magnolia soundtrack)
2. Pepper the Parrot - "Wise Up"

Off the Hook with PFT and John Hodgman, an anti-Phil McGraw talk show that absolves you of any responsibility in any aspect of your life, returns to field T-Dot Titan Paycheque's question about the acceptability of four-button suit jackets. PFT approves of it for people who are 6' tall and have a 3' tall person perched on their shoulders. Shaq pipes up to ask about his button count. PFT authorizes five or six button buttons, but Shaq wants nine. PFT approves the request because Shaq is 16' tall. Hodgman reminds Shaq not to secure the bottom button of the series. PFT lays down the fashion law: Sometimes-Always-Never. He says the lone exception to the third-button ban is if you are defending a lady's honor.

Therese reveals that Tom is adopted, and Hodgman thinks she chose an awkward time to drop such a biological bombshell. Tom responds with the same level of bafflement expressed by Darth Vader when he caught wind of an attack from Emperor Palpatine's Royal Guard. Hodgman mentions that the Imperial Stormtroopers didn't really look like proper military men. Tom thought one of them looked like Dan Akroyd's paunchy older brother. As it turns out, Tom was only virtually adopted by Beverly Hills Phil through March 2010. The Star Wars discussion flares back up with rapid-fire nerdery touching on the prowess of Cpt. Wedge Antilles, the potential deposit of Therese into the Great Pit of Carkoon, and the Sarlacc's conclusion that Boba Fett was "somewhat indigestible" as a meal.

Mouse Hunt ($365)


  • Chris from Portland, OR
  • Anna from New York, NY
  • Bob in Seattle, WA
  • Henry in Atlanta, GA
  • Andrew in Bensalem, PA
  • Andrew in Jupiter, FL
  • Christophuh in Coke City, NYC
  • Paul in Denmark
  • Eric in Coke City, NYC
  • Molly & Daniel in Queens, NYC
  • Brian in San Diego, CA
  • Rick in West Orange, CA
  • Scott in The Village, Oklahoma
  • Andrew in Etters, PA
  • Richard in London, Eng-uh-lund
  • Kyle in Chicago, IL
  • Stan in Matewan, NJ
  • Maggie in Chicago, IL
  • Byron & Allison in Chester, NJ
  • Peter in Chicago, IL
  • Joshua in Somerville, MA
  • Chris in NY
  • Andrew in NY
  • Paycheque in Toronto
  • Alex in Cocaine Slope, NYC
  • Dan in Coke City
  • Christophuh #1 in Cranston RI
  • Christophuh #2 in Cranston RI
  • Michael in Somerville, MA
  • Clint & Sarah in Jersey City, NJ
  • Tom in NYC, NY
  • Stuart in Dyersburg, TN
  • Jeffrey in Atlanta, GA
  • Baroo from Mos Eisley, Tatooine
  • Jake in Hoboken, NJ
  • Ryan in North Caldwell, NJ

Crazy Juicey Pledges

  • Brian in Metuchen, NJ ($1000 = $1/fight)
  • Joe & Erin in Jersey City, NJ (Mouse+)
  • Sean in Studio City ($1,000)

Week 2 Prize Wall ($15 minimum)

(PFT/JH by Santiago Felipe)

1. The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Jukebox Explosion: Rockin' Mid-90s Punkers! CD (Winner: Nils in London, Eng-uh-lund)
2. King Khan and The Shrines - Supreme Genius of King Khan CD (Winner: James in South Orange, NJ)
3. J Dilla - The Shining CD (Winner: Joey in Bloomfield, NJ)
4. Cococoma - Cococoma CD (Winner: Tom in Jersey City, NJ)
5. Clinic - Do It! CD (Winner: Nick in Austin, TX)

6. - 10. Combo Pack:

John Hodgman's More Information Than You Require BOOK (autographed by PFT in an M. Night Shyamalanesque twist) + Paul F. Tompkins - Impersonal CD (autographed by John Hodgman in an old-fashioned scam worthy of The Sting)

Winners: Dmigri in Los Angeles, CA; Hugman in Hollywood, CA; Nathan in Silver Spring, MD; Gerald in Outremont, Canada; Jason in Studio City, CA.

Week 2 Grand Prizes: Good vs. Evil


1. Good (Tom Scharpling)

- Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! DVD (autographed)
- Dump - That Skinny Motherf**ker With the High Voice? (OOP)
- John Hodgman - More Information Than You Require (autographed)
- Paul F. Tompkins - Impersonal (autographed)
- John Hodgman's subscription to The New Yorker [Gently used, possibly dog-eared/annotated, may or may not arrive]
- You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W. Bush poster (autographed by movie star Will Ferrell)

Winner: Dave in NYC


2. Evil (AP Mike's Weird, Creepy, and Probably Illegal Fun Pack)

- Autographed Intervention DVD
- A few plastic bags from the ACME featured in The Wrestler

[Programming note: The Mike Show, which recently became the first ham podcast, scheduled its first pledge drive for sometime in mid-April at a Hess station parking lot outside the Holland Tunnel.]

Winner: Chad in Macon, GA

The Final Bow

Tom Scharpling & Ted Leo - "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" (from Elton John's Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy)

(backing vocals: PFT, Aimee Mann, John Hodgman, DJ Terre T, The White Lady, Sister Brandy, and Roydon Tarpley)

Week 2 Total:



Week 1 Total:


GRAND TOTAL: $123,840!!!!!!

What if the greatest radio station in the world had its own king? He'd still take out the trash:


And then he'd rock your face off like it's one of nem hardcore matinees at CBGB's:


When asked for comment Newbridge Pit Inspector General Hammerhead said: "Fine, jerk, I'll admit it looks like a passable pit. Maybe this Scharpling guy isn't so bad. We could use him in this administration. Just kidding! Me and Mr. Z will still make him eat boot. Rock and roll never forgets ... and neither do we, munch."

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