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Make Him Drink.

"Now it is time for you to call. It is time for you to do The Right Thing. It's time for you to testify." -- Tom, kicking things off with his classic Volcano Suns-inspired pledge plea
"I will say this, guys: if you want to talk to a G-I-R-L, call 800-989-9368." -- Tom, tempting the male demographic with some ultra-rare female interaction
"We're 35 minutes into the show, and I have raised a total of $3. That's not true. I'm not gonna lie that bad." -- Tom, setting a limit on his financial fibbery
"Wait. I start tellin' a story, the phones stop ringin'. NO STORIES! This show's not fun! NO FUN! NFL. No ... what would the 'L' stand for tonight? NFR! No Fun Radio." -- Tom, aborting his recap of the "More pizza, slave!" call to focus on FUNdraising
"He is the man that many call the murderer of the music industry. He's right there. If you wanna know why your band is dropped from a label or the label is firing 300 people, it's that guy on Phone 7." - Tom, throwing .mp3 blog inventor Matthew Fluxblog under the bus
"Oh, stop. One more round. Of applause. Oh, stop. Stop! Thanks. One more round." -- Philly Boy Roy, reveling in his warm reception
"Who do ya like better: me or Blob?" -- Philly Boy Roy, conducting an impromptu poll in the phone room
"Oh, these doctors nowadays. They can do anything. He's gonna get re-animated. I'm just kiddin' -- he didn't die. He don't wanna play with those guys no more." -- Philly Boy Roy, discussing the not-dead holdout for a reunion of the original lineup of The Hooters
"I think I'm leaking IQ points." -- Tom, detecting intelligence drainage amidst PBR's labored speech
"You just said 'orgy.' Yes, you did. You're dirty. You're in the gutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, (falsely) accusing Tom of lapsing into filthmouth when giving out the address for online pledges
"Who in this room has not run a bar out of their basement? I'm seein' like seven hands." -- Philly Boy Roy, discovering that residential speakeasies are atypical business ventures
"It is, too! Wiki it. Miss Wiki that." -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to confirm the existence of an old-timey comedian named Abbot Norman Costello

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"I know there's some Richie Riches out there listening. I know it. These hotshots with their uh ... fancy iPods and their uh ... you know, sushi." -- Tom, soliciting Booster Pledges from his wealthy listeners

"Mike, you could pledge $30,000, and you're not allowed on the Booze Cruise. I'm telling you right now. I think there are maritime laws that prevent you from boarding a ship." -- Tom, citing legal precedent that prohibits his unhinged Associate Producer from circling Manhattan
"Look, I try. That's all I can do. I don't have the God-given talent. I don't. I'm not like Rush Limbaugh. I don't have the talent that a guy like that has. I gotta work for it. I gotta scrap. I'm a scrappa!" -- Tom, clawing his way to excellence in broadcasting
"The dumbest member of CSNY is the one who doesn't pledge." -- Daniel from Lynchburg, VA, settling the months-long debate: four-way tie for last!
"This is that classic marathon moment. Jerry Lewis dreams of moments like this. He can't make these moments happen. That fat blob." -- Tom, outdoing the plump MDA telethoner with a spirited "Tom is The Queen!" chant
"The bottle's burning my hand! What did I put in this?!" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to recall the toxic and probably fetid liquid inside his oversized novelty baby bottle
"All you really need is one copy of Clifford, and you'll be fine." -- Hatch, supporting Brigham from Seattle's decision to cancel his movie delivery service to enable his pledge
"Thank you, Fredericks. I'm sure it's dirty money, but we'll still take it." -- Tom, accepting a questionable pledge from the flashlight operator for the forthcoming run of The United States of Dutch at the abandoned (and haunted) Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre in Jupiter, Florida
"That's the one good thing you do." -- Philly Boy Roy, praising Tom's dead-on impression of Adriana La Cerva admonishing her drug-addled fiancée, Christophuh Moltisanti
"Oh my God. It's like he's a wild animal. It's sick. There's just saliva sprayin' everywhere. He's rabid." -- Philly Boy Roy, providing play-by-play of Tom's antics during The Final Push
"I'M THE KING OF THIS DUMP!" -- Tom, ascending the throne after setting a new WFMU pledge record
"Listen, um, they got the money. I don't know how they did it. He's runnin' some kinda racket here. Don't know what it is. But um ... bring it down anyway! [air horn toot]" -- Philly Boy Roy, ordering "Milt" to demolish the WFMU building


[TBSOWFMU - 03/03/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]


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The Secrets - "It's Your Heart Tonight"

( Click here to buy Titan: It's All Pop!)

The Ettes - "Marathon"

( Click here to buy Look At Life Again)

Wwax - "Like It Or Not"

( Click here to buy Like It Or Not)

Velocity Girl - "Crazy Town"

( Click here to buy The John Peel Sub-Pop Sessions)

Chug - "Money Money Money" (ABBA cover)

( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)


Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and pledge:


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8 ZERO ZERO - 9 TheNumberEight 9 - 936 TheNumberEight!
(wfmu.orgy)

Let. The Best Show on WFMU begin ... NOW. PHONES! Host Tom Scharpling whines about not wanting to do the marathon this year and wonders if he can really bail on such an important Tuesday night installment. He sends Associate Producer Mike on a familiar quest to search the "D" section of the library for Miles Davis's time-sucking Pangaea. However, Tom quickly realizes that he simply can't rely on the double album of jazz fusion during the first week of the 2009 pledge drive. He's sickened that everyone is sitting out there like bumps on a log because nobody has testified with a pledge in his first few minutes on the air.

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Tom tries to turn the tide by introducing his brave co-host, a fine young man named Hatch, who expertly held down the same post for the first week of last year's marathon. The strategy pays off when he finally hears the phone ring for the first time of the night. Hatch reports that there have already been a couple of pledges for The Mike Show, the competing, adult-oriented program that has attracted a disturbingly sizable following of convicted felons, meth chefs, and porn thesps. Tom burrows deep into the flesh about these disappointing early returns. Hatch feels good and thinks he has the stamina to make it through the full three hours of madness. Tom sets the table by explaining why the marathon is so crucial to the health of the station.

In a nutshell, WFMU does not accept any silly government grants or sleazy corporate funding from companies like Pillsbury, Mennen, or KernCo. The listeners make it happen, and the disc jockeys are allowed to run their own programs free from any douchebag interference. While the snobby WFMU staff tends to favor scholarly fare, such as Conrad Schnitzler, the Greek Rembetiko 45s of Ioannis Papaioannou, seminal Arkansas jazz, and late-period Urge Overkill, Tom has emerged as a champion of the straight-ahead rock 'n roll ditties of Mr. Charles Berry. (Note: Tom actually hates Berry, and Hatch denounces the pioneer for being a prevert.) The overall marathon goal of $1.2 million will cover annual expenses like the massive bandwidth necessary for multiple live streaming options, vast online archives, podcast gems, and all other online initiatives. WFMU also faces an August deadline for completing construction ($80,000 above operating budget) on the New York-based booster transmitter to improve over-the-air reception and needs help to fund the move ($40,000) to a new 91.1 FM transmitter site with a 500% increase in monthly rent.

And so after 50 weeks of Freeform Fun, it's time to DIG DEEP for a mere two weeks of FUNdraising to keep the station running for another year. It's Magic Time at the Magic Factory. Tom explains that he's already extracted all he can get out of The Best Show, but he still does it for YOU instead of staying home to read Archie, Garfield anthologies, or any of the awesome Dell Comics publications. In fact, his tireless devotion to the program has caused him to lose track of Riverdale High School principal Waldo Weatherbee, who was last seen inside a custodial closet selling a wet-ratty toupee to a new student named James. Unlike many tough guys, Tom is not afraid to express his love for pledgers, and he proves it by revealing the details for his stunning set of 2009 swag.

The Best Show on WFMU's Mirth, Music, and Mayhem: A Premium in Three Parts ($75)

I. All-New, Exclusive Scharpling & Wurster CD [Mirth]

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II. Tom: An All-Star Tribute to Ram [Music]

"I think this is the time for the music business to get a new person telling everybody what to do. I think it could use that." -- Tom, reviving an ailing industry by becoming its new empress mario

Produced by Tom Scharpling, July 2008 to March 2009.

Recorded and Engineered by Sean Slade, Paul Q. Kolderie, Jack Endino, Flemming Rasmussen, and Shep Proudfoot in a wigwam on the roof of Captain's Donuts in Newbridge, NJ.

Mastered by Greg Calbi and George Romero at Sterling Sound in New York, NY.

(Forever OOP as of 11:01 p.m. on 3/10/09)

1. "Too Many People" - Aimee Mann
2. "3 Legs" - Stevie Blue Kid Jersey with The Royal Purple
3. "Ram On" - Portastatic
4. "Dear Boy" - Death Cab For Cutie
5. "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey" - Dump
6. "Smile Away" - Hank IV
7. "Heart of the Country" - The Black Hollies
8. "Monkberry Moon Delight" - Danielson
9. "Eat at Home" - Cynthia from High School Sweethearts
10. "Long Haired Lady" - Spider Bags
11. "Ram On" - Theme Weavers LLC
12. "The Back Seat of My Car" - Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Bonus Tracks:

13. "Another Day" - The Barbaras
14. "Oh Woman, Oh Why" - James Pants (ft. Peanut Butter Wolf)

III. Brand New Friends of Tom Membership Card + Eco-Friendly Dogmo Tote Bag [Mayhem]

tsalon.pngSpecial Bonus for $1,000 Pledge Level: Super-Rare, High-Grade, Limited-Edition "Taste of Newbridge" tea blended by T Salon (Chelsea Market, 459 W. 15th St.) exclusively for the marathon and housed in a customized The Best Show canister with a quip from Mayor-elect, Philly Boy Roy. Tasting Notes: black tea base with notes of caramel, chocolate, vanilla, and a touch of Mandarin orange rind. Pair it with your favorite fudge or Werner's new EnergyBlaster Crumpets®, available at select Das Sieben Und Der Elf outlets!

Week 1 Phone Patrol

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- Jennifer
- Sherri
- Andy
- 2008 Caller of the Year Laurie from Miami [HOT CORNER]
- Vito Clooney Landesberg
- Karen
- Sachar
- Matthew Fluxblog
- AP Mike
- Mike V.
- Maggie
- Chad
- Dawn
- DJ Terre T
- Rutherford Thomas Zbigniew Phillips Roydon "Philly Boy Roy" Ziegler


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PBR, decked out in a vintage Phillies t-shirt he bought at Chess King, announces that he's scoping out the station and then feigns modesty while orchestrating three rounds of applause for his presence in the phone room. Tom tells everyone to stop clapping for his longtime nemesis. PBR surveys the volunteers to see if they prefer him or "Blob." Tom informs PBR that his correct name is T-O-M, but PBR somehow believes the three letters translate into B-L-O-B. Tom wants him to stop mocking what he's imagining as his amorphous girth. PBR thinks Tom should stop doing the show based on how bad he was bombing while he was manning the phones. He gives three examples of low-level pledges:

Todd in Old New Eastbridge - $1
Rick in Tunnelbridge - $1
Roy in Roxborough - $0

Roy's comment urged Tom to turn off his voice modulator because the frequencies were hurting everyone's ears. Tom now realizes that this was PBR's non-pledge card. He mentions that PBR started going off the rails (NOT literally!) after holding off AP Mike last November to win the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. While PBR made some progress with his transition, primarily in the form of a rogue security force led by Hammerhead and several ex-members of the Philadelphia Bell, he had to postpone the January 20th inaugdigtation ceremony when he was hospitalized for flagrant incoherence after the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals in the NFC Championship game. PBR says he got very upset and didn't want to do nothing for the next month other than bum around and grow a beard. Tom thinks his facial hair is very fetching. Since the previous administration had already vacated the ranch, Newbridge High School football coach Ted Simpson has reportedly been serving as the interim mayor.

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PBR vows to keep his beard going until the original 1980 lineup of The Hooters gets back together. Tom inquires about any remaining holdouts, and PBR delivers some sad news: one band member is dead. Tom understands how this might be a problem and doesn't see how anyone could ever resolve the mortality issue. PBR remains optimistic because doctors can now do anything thanks to the wonders of modern medical technology. He initially claims that the deceased Hooter will be re-animated for his return to the stage, but the death notice was just a joke. PBR explains that the alive-and-well holdout (my guess: lead guitarist John Kuzma) just don't want to play with those other guys no more. He says that he can't repeat the harsh names he hurled at former bandmates Eric Bazilian, Rob Hyman, and David Uosikkinen, but he blurts them out anyway. Tom manages to intercept the toiletries before they hit the airwaves. PBR is surprised to discover that he's on the radio because he thought he was attending Tom's non-broadcast, going-away party. Tom points out that PBR is surrounded by a row of phones and many other trappings of a live radio telethon. PBR says he assumed it was one of those old-timey phone parties that were popular with kids in the 1950s.

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Tom asks PBR what brings him to New Jersey, which is generally not one of his favorite destinations. PBR says he wore a gas mask all day to combat the toxic fumes emanating from the Stink City swamplands and particularly foul-smelling residents like Tom. He braved these conditions to enact his recent mayoral decree to take over WFMU and move it from Jersey City to Newbridge. Since PBR found one of nem clauses in the amazingly elastic Newbridge Constitution, Tom is powerless to stop him. He claims to have untangled some verbiage that allows for the marathon proceeds to be funneled into the mayor's coffers if the DJs fail to meet their pledge quotas. Tom doesn't believe it, but PBR saw it clearly stated in an art-i-cle. Tom fears he's leaking IQ points just by listening to these odd pronunciations. PBR laments that he had to bring his own stash of Yuengling as an alternative to the New Jersey beer that tastes like meat. Tom has no idea what he's talking about with that savory flavor profile.

PBR says that if Tom doesn't get enough pledges, WFMU will be permanently converted into "PBR Radio." Tom mentions that the phones have stopped ringing, and PBR is enjoying the silence. He giggles after mishearing Tom state the top-level domain of the WFMU website address as "orgy." PBR believes this is proof that Tom is a dirty gutter dweller. Tom tells PBR not to put words in his mouth, and, even if it was true, he thinks it's an absurd accusation coming from one of the most degenerate people he's ever met. PBR requests some specific examples of his past bad behavior. Tom recalls that he enlisted his children in a horrible heist of the Liberty Bell, which was kept in the Ziegler basement until Roy, Jr. sold it to the Japanese for $1 million in early 2007. PBR assures Tom that his family also stole other, less historical stuff.

Tom also mentions Hooterville, the controversial, after-hours speakeasy that allowed drunk patrons to play "knee football" and "knee skiing" during the frequent indoor snowstorms. PBR asks everyone in the phone room to raise their hands if they have not run a bar out of their basement. He sees seven hands shoot up around one fellow entrepreneur: AP Mike. PBR salutes him for being the only cool guy who will drink with him ... in the morning. Tom is not surprised that they hit it off. He promises to review the Constitution art-i-cle and resume the conversation after re-animating the dead phones. PBR is convinced that Tom is a goner.

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Tom hopes to save himself by courting the ladies after noticing that Vito is all alone on phone row. He touts the volunteer as a handsome man with the quality of a young Steve Landesburg, who is best known for his portrayal of Det. Arthur P. Dietrich on Barney Miller. PBR agrees that he's a good-looking guy. Tom upgrades his visual description to a cross between George Clooney and ... Steve Landesburg. Tom asks PBR to solicit more pledges by giving out the phone number and website. PBR has significant difficultly completing the task without Tom's assistance. He then starts repeating everything Tom says, which is something everyone hated him for doing back when he was in school. Tom fights back by matching PBR in an intense "Yeh"-off. PBR hates this and wants Tom to die for doing it to him. Tom points out that it's not so much fun when the tables are turned. PBR never thought about how something that he did that annoyed people could come back around years later and annoy him.

However, he begins to appreciate that he and Tom are riffing like the top-notch comedian, Abbot N. Costello. Tom informs PBR that Budd Abbott and Lou Costello were the duo known as Abbot and Costello. PBR insists that it is a single performer with the full name of Abbot Norman Costello. He tells Tom to Miss Wiki the information. Tom assigns the task to Jane G., but she cannot conduct the research at this time. He puts the self-titled Cheap Time debut on the prize table and consults with DJ Terre T, hostess of WFMU's The Cherry Blossom Clinic every Saturday from 3-6 p.m., about which track to play. She opts for the first cut, "Too Late," but PBR is predictably more in the mood for "And We Danced" by The Hooters. When Tom throws to Cheap Time PBR sneaks in a Cheap Trick reference.

*****

The Jay-Z Marathon Interlude™

*****

Tom is relieved to report that PBR left the studio until he pipes up in the background while rifling through everyone's bags. PBR argues that he's just being true to how it's done in Philadelphia and finds some "weird stuff" in Tom's locker. He tries to mention one of the offending items, but Tom bleeps him again. (My guesses: half-eaten Tootsie Pops, Bratz dolls, and/or multiple copies of Old Wave) Tom asks someone to make sure that PBR discontinues his (thankfully not pant-) rummages.

*****

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"Styles?! Is that the dude from Teen Wolf?" -- Tom, taking a pledge from wolfmaniacal entrepreneur, Robert "Stiles" Stilinski

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"Unbelievable. If only I brought my autograph book, it would've been filled. Signed by two guys who are 4' 8"." -- Tom, regretting his lack of preparedness for a trip to Paquito Más aka "Superstar Central"

*****

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PBR, who is now wearing a hardhat, calls Milt to say that he's almost ready to do something. He explains that Milt is a member of his construction crew, and Tom wants to know why any of this is relevant to the proceedings. PBR says he's planning to bring the building down and directs Tom to look at all nem trucks outside. Tom peeks out the window to see one truck and one crew member at the jobsite. PBR says that is all he could afford and identifies "Milt" as his mischievous son, Roy, Jr. Tom suspects that PBR is trying to sound like a bigshot by creating the illusion of an external hire. PBR makes it clear that he is the foreman of this two-man operation and tells Milt to go on his signal. Tom wants to know how they intend to demolish WFMU. PBR tells him why, instead: there ain't no need for the existing structure since it will relocate to Newbridge under his rule.

Tom says that he discovered an unfortunate thing. PBR calls Tom an "unfortunate thing" and wildly celebrates his potent zing. Tom can't deny that it was pretty good. However, he was referring to his confirmation of the marathon bylaw on Miss Wikipedia. PBR can indeed channel all the proceeds into the mayubernatorial office if the DJs don't reach certain totals. Tom says he will run some appreciation calculations to determine the threshold in 2009 dollars. PBR cites another bylaw that gives him the authority to halt the entire marathon if Tom doesn't reach his goal. Tom missed this one during his initial review, so PBR sends him back to Miss Wiki. Tom decides to take his word for it since the previous information checked out.

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PBR calls Tom a baby for pouting about the prospects of sending the station into a disastrous spiral right down the tubes. He is looking forward to being reinstated as Tom's God in the aftermath. Tom says that he has never worshipped PBR as his personal deity. PBR disagrees and says that babies drink from a bottle. Tom notices that PBR is now holding an oversized novelty baby bottle. PBR issues a challenge: if Tom doesn't bring in $200 worth of pledges in the next 10 minutes, he will have to drink the contents. Tom asks PBR if he will reveal the nature of the liquid. PBR says it could be good or it could be real bad. Tom is disgusted by the prospects of the mysterious refreshment. He asks PBR if he would drink it, and PBR requests a definition of "drink." Tom asks him if he would pour the contents of the bottle into his open mouth. PBR says he would only swallow if there is an ambulance at the ready. Tom clarifies that PBR would admit that he's not "right" in a lot of ways. PBR definitely agrees with that psychiatric evaluation. Tom asks PBR if a mentally stable person would drink from the bottle. PBR says they would not. Tom illuminates PBR's lack of stability by reminding listeners that he's wearing a hardhat and holding an oversized baby bottle filled with a possibly harmful fluid. PBR is a bit puzzled by the suggestion that this is not a common occurrence. Tom says that his combination of protective headgear and drinking vessel are definitely unusual.

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AP Mike orders some kielbasa-thick lines of cocaine for the afterparty at Dockside Dolls

Tom revises the bet to 10 pledges in the next four minutes. Loser guzzles. PBR claims that the ringing phones are actually people calling to retract their previous pledges and comment that Tom stinks. He says there are rumblings in the phone room that AP Mike is one of these people. PBR doesn't know why AP Mike hates Tom so much. Tom is understandably concerned about the new PBR/APMike alliance. He believes that PBR is getting inside AP Mike's head, and PBR cops to exerting mind control on his toxic twin. PBR thinks the new terms sound fair and immediately attempts to empty the bottle. Tom is able to thwart the drainage. PBR says that the building will come down either way and predicts that some people will safely escape. After a few pledges come in, PBR starts a "Make Him Drink!" chant. Tom can't believe people are chanting, but PBR says everyone is just venting their Blob hatred. He hears someone call Tom something horrible. (It was AP Mike.)

Tom admits that he really doesn't want to drink what's in that bottle. PBR says he actually forgot what it is, but he does remember that the source was near a restroom. Tom says he may get hoisted by his own petard if two more pledges come through. As the races to 10 pledges heats up, the bottle starts burning PBR's hand. Tom beats the deadline, but PBR believes the winning pledge is a fake. Tom asks Sherri to confirm it as a legitimate donation. PBR tells Milt to wait for his signal. Tom asks him why he would destroy a building he's currently occupying. PBR says that he will probably get out in time, but Tom will be trapped inside. Tom points out that they are on the fourth floor. PBR has no problem exiting through the window because he's jumped out of taller buildins, such as top tier of The Spectrum during a Blue Oyster Cult/Foghat show on the Mirrors tour. Tom asks him what prompted the aerial getaway. PBR says he just wanted to do it, but he was also being chased by Officer Harrups after shooting a pellet gun at Eric Bloom, Buck Dharma, and Albert Bouchard.

Hatch officially declares Tom the victor in the bottle challenge. PBR is reluctant to make good on the bet, so Hatch restarts the "Make Him Drink!" chant to spur him on. Tom says PBR is doing pretty well as some liquid drips out of his mouth. He asks PBR for a review. PBR says he still don't remember what it is, but it definitely tastes terrible. Tom gives him credit for being a man of his word. As PBR's memory of the origin of the drink returns, he starts feeling sick. Tom correctly assumes that he can't reveal the grossness over the radio. He sees a small patch of skin begin changing colors through the cloak of beard and sunglasses. PBR says it feels like his face has a purplish hue. Tom notices a shift to a forest green skin tone, which blends right into PBR's miniature ski cap. PBR knows that this can't be a good development. Tom offers him a seat, but PBR prefers to drink more. While the taste did not improve, he is getting used to it. PBR wishes Tom was drinking it. Tom apologizes on behalf of his listeners for coming through.



PBR finally agrees to sit down for a bit to catch his breath after zoning out. Tom asks him if he knows where he is. PBR wants to say a 1981 Robert Hazard (RIP) concert. He then has a vision of Olivia Newton-John doing her "Physical" exercise routine. Tom informs him that it's 2009. He asks PBR to reach into his pocket to pull out the device he was using prior to his hallucinatory time travel. PBR finds what he thinks is a little radio. Tom tells him it's a cell phone. PBR talks into it and cannot recall anyone named Milt. Tom asks someone to guide the long-gone mayor into a recovery room. Before he leaves, PBR requests "Candy-O" by The Cars. Tom doesn't have the record, so PBR tries "Urgent," the hott new single from Foreigner's forthcoming Foreigner 4. He'll also settle for "Start Me Up," the newest by The Rolling Stones. Tom says that he'll try to get to one of those after playing something from the next prize offering, the 2-CD Danielson retrospective titled Trying Hartz. PBR says he's not familiar with this format, which Tom describes as a miniature silver album. PBR asks him how much it costs at Sam Goody. Tom says the list price is typically around $18.98. PBR sarcastically thanks Tom Petty for starting the price inflation -- Hard Promises indeed! He wants to hear something off this new release and gladly accepts Tom's suggestion of "The Waiting." Tom will try to locate the record before the show ends.

*****

Sorta-Weird, NJ

(as referenced by Tom)

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  • Pantagis Diner in Edison, NJ

  • A Little Shop of Comics in Scotch Plains, NJ

  • Starbucks in fancy-schmancy Monmouth Junction, NJ

  • Jazz mecca of Englewood, NJ

  • Rialto Movie Theater in Westfield, NJ (RIP Einstein Bros Bagels)

  • Really nice Subway and really nice Walgreen's (not open 24 hours, but prescriptions fills are very prompt) in Piscataway, NJ

  • Tricky Route 22: the fast lane is the middle lane, far left lane is the changing lane!

  • Giant statue of Robert Hegyes (see above) in Metoochen, NJ (surprisingly rendered as Mr. Hegyes watching a local soccer game, NOT as his beloved Welcome Back Carter sweathog, Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein)

  • Rough streets of Kearny, NJ

  • Grease Trucks in New Brunswick, NJ

[In Week 2 of the 2009 Marathon, Therese gave props to her old stomping grounds of Action Park in Vernon Township, NJ, and Greg in Madison, NJ, used his pledge comment to highlight the unique horror on display at his town's Yuki Hana: Andy Breckman eating a tuna roll.]

Week 1 Prize Wall ($15 minimum)

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1. Hank IV - Refuge in Genre LP (Winner: Evan in Chicago)
2. Madlib - Beat Konducta Vol 1-2: Movie Scenes CD (Winner: Christophuh in Manville, NJ)
3. Flight of the Conchords - The Distant Future CD-EP (Winner: Tazo from Monmouth Junction, NJ)
4. Todd Barry - From Heaven CD (Winner: Mary in St. Paul, MN)
5. The Band - Moondog Matinee 6-disc Deluxe Reissue Cheap Time - Cheap Time CD (Winner: Derek in Dublin, OH)
6. The Dirtbombs - We Have You Surrounded CD (Winner: Jason from Durham, NC)
7. Danielson - Trying Hartz 2-CD retrospective (Winner: Travis from Tampa, FL)
8. The Replacements - Tim reissue CD (Winner: Stephen in NY)
9. The Replacements - Stink reissue CD (Winner: Christofuh in Verona, NJ)
10. The Replacements - Hootenanny reissue CD (Winner: Dustin in San Francisco, CA)

Of Mice and Men and Ladies ($365)

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  • Jeff from Astoria, Queens, NYC
  • Nathan from Jersey City, NJ
  • Ben from Madison, WI
  • Joe from Chicago, IL
  • Matthew & Christina from Maspeth, Queens, NYC
  • Ryan from Santa Fe, NM
  • Bruce from Matewan, NJ
  • Martin from Malmö, Sweden
  • Ryan from Basking Ride, NJ
  • Tazo from Monmouth Junction, NJ
  • Terry from Lipstick City, CA
  • Brian from San Francisco, CA
  • Joel from Alexandria, VA
  • Dylan from San Diego, CA
  • masterofsparks from Columbus, OH
  • John from Vernon Hill, IL
  • Corey from Coke City, NYC
  • Mike from Rochester, NY
  • Andy from Coke City, NYC
  • Tom from Minneapolis, MN
  • Eric in Providence, RI
  • Matt from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
  • Major from Houston, TX
  • Alec from Canton, MI
  • Patrick from Roseburg, OR
  • Boris from NYC, NY
  • Greg from Staten Island, NYC
  • Patrick from Eugene, OR
  • Sharon from Coke City, NY
  • Harold from Jackson Heights, Queens, NY
  • Stephen in Saskatchewan, Canada
  • Laura from Cypress, TX
  • John from Piscataway, NJ
  • Paula F. Tompkins from NYC
  • Sarah from Hackensack, NJ
  • Chris from Coke City, NYC

Crazy Juicey Pledges

  • Mel the Podcast Guru in Honolulu, HI (Double Mouse)
  • BaronVonLeah from Tempe, AZ ($1,000)
  • Jake from Hoboken, NJ ($1,000)
  • James McNew from Coke City, NY ($1,000)
  • Christophuh from Chicago, IL ($1,000; issued challenge to Henry from Chunklet)
  • Forrest from Coke City, NY ($1,000)
  • John "Personal Computore" Hodgman (3x Jesse Thorpe's pledge

Booster Pledge

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Join the WFMU staff for a special broadcast/cruise around Manhattan in David Crosby's yacht!

- Travis Edgkin from Burbank, CA (3,000 Truth Rider Bucks)

*****

After a deluge of pledges Tom catches himself answering to his derogatory nickname. PBR maintains that it's accurate and recommends that Tom look in the mirrow to discover his true Blobosity. Tom informs PBR that the reflective glass is called a mirror. PBR describes two different scenarios for these sessions. In his case, he looks at it and says, "Oh, you rule!" When Tom does it, he says," You're a blob." Tom shatters these illusions to thank some more people before bringing PBR back for The Final Push. PBR tells Tom that people are pledging in pennies, not dollars. Tom says a lot of people are definitely giving dollars to the station. PBR can't imagine who would pledge at those levels. He announces that he finally finished his baby bottle and now wants Blob to play his song. PBR hands Blob a CD that contains a sample of what WFMU will sound like under new ownership. As one might expect, the sounds of "Gonna Fly Now," the theme from Rocky, launch this installment of PBR Radio.

Tom asks him if this is indicative of the new music programming, but PBR couldn't hear him because he was doing a push-up. Tom assumes he will spin a variety of Philly-related music, but PBR will actually just broadcast the Rocky theme for 23 hours a day. Tom is determined to spare everyone an endless loop of William Conti. PBR later told Marc Healy from the Newbridge Herald-Times Republican-Herald that the final hour will be a mixture of sports talk, the glam rock 'n roll of Britny Fox and Heaven's Edge, and the classic hardcore punk rock 'n roll of Circle of S, H Picnic, and some rare Sudden Impact 7" that apparently features Tina Fey on vocals.

DJ Terre T issues the 10-MINUTE WARNING.

*****

Week 1 Grand Prizes ($75 minimum)

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John Darnielle's Mountain Goats Super-Fun, Super-Rare Autographed Pack

  • Satanic Messiah 2x7" EP
  • Jam Eater Blues 7"
  • Chile de Árbol 7" EP
  • Bedside Recordings split 7" (w/ John Vanderslice)
  • Black Pear Tree 12" EP (ft. Khaki King)
  • The Sunset Tree LP (hand-numbered limited edition with handmade cover)

(Winner: Jack from Bloomfield, NJ)

Matt "Fantastic Cartoon Dude" Fraction's Super-Duper Autographed Comic Book Pack

  • Casanova, Volume 1: Luxuria (hardcover)
  • The Invincible Iron Man, Volume I: The Five Nightmares (hardcover)
  • Last Of The Independents (trade paperback)
  • The Order, Volume I: The Next Ring Thing + The Order, Volume II: California Dreaming (trade paperbacks)
  • Punisher War Journal, Volume I: Civil War (trade paperback)
  • 30 Days of Night: Bloodsucker Tales Volume I (trade paperback)

(Winner: John in Somerville, MA, earns a trip to Funny Page Heaven)

*****

PBR arms himself with some sort of honking instrument because a little birdie told him that Tom will fall short of his desired tally. Tom knows what is coming and gives everyone a 10-second warning to cover their ears. PBR says he will restrain himself until Tom doesn't get his money. After checking in with Milt, he reveals that a rope ladder is already affixed to the exterior of the building. PBR tells Milt that it's hilarious to see Blob ringing his shirt out from all the sweat. Tom wonders if it's really over. PBR sees a tear forming and almost feels bad for Blob's epic failure. Tom starts punching the microphone to rally the troops for one more surge. PBR is sickened by the sight of Tom spraying saliva all around the studio like a rabid animal. As the clock ticks down, the phone room erupts with "Tom is The Queen!" to try to drown out PBR's "I'm Gonna Blow It!"

Week 1 Total:

$62,500

NEW WFMU RECORD!

Tom anoints himself the king of this dump. PBR steps up to the microphone to concede defeat as Tom shuts off "Gonna Fly Now." He calls Milt to inform him that Tom somehow got enough money as part of some kind of racket. In the night's final twist, PBR emits an air horn toot to give Milt the go-ahead to bring down the building anyway. With the tentpole firmly in place, the tent still stands. Plus, Milt was probably out of position after being lured into some seedy establishment by a stray dog. Tom thanks all the volunteers and pledgers for contributing to this complete triumph for the Good Guys.

On the Next .... The Best Show on WFMU: Captain Tom Scharpling calls all hands on deck of the SS Best Show for three hours of mirth, music, and mizzenmasts.


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Recession?* Schmissession!


*There really is a recession, but The Best Show is immune to its fallout.

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