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Punk Tango.

"No? What? No?! Come on! COME ON! Don't you know who I am?" - Tom, yelling at an uncooperative Fredericks soundboard
"It's like, well, if we land on water ... s'uh!" - Sean in Rampbridge, explaining why he typically ignores the in-flight safety speech
"I think I saw him mouth the word 'munch'." -- Sean, catching Flight 1549 Cpt. Sullenberger diss a talkative passenger during the boarding process
"It would appear that I'm some kind of good luck charm, wouldn't it?" - Sean, putting a positive spin on his recent air travel escapades
"And he knocked it outta my hand! And it hit a duck. Yeah. What kinda creep is he?" - Sean, wondering why a triumphant Sully reacted violently to his celebratory air horn face blast
"As Gahndi once said, I'm in heap big trouble." - Sean, quoting The Lone Ranger's assistant to indicate the legal fallout from attracting birds to the plane's engines

"No, you jerk, it's the noise that comes out of the air horn!" - Sean, informing Tom about the sonic tilling of the farmlands in Speed-the-Horn

"Oh, it's fanciful." - Sean, urging Tom to take a second look at the stage production of Grease
"Okay, well, here's what you're gonna hear for the last time from me. Okay? [four air horn toots]. Good. Bye. You. Munch." - Sean, bidding farewell to The Best Show
"Alright. Thanks for the review of the porno thing you watched. I'll talk to you next week." - Tom, offering minor props to Spike for his take on Atlantic City Hookers
"It doesn't sound appealing to me to eat a sandwich that's pretty much the whole McDonald's menu at the same time." -- Healthy MacGuyver Ben Kharak, cleverly bypassing New Brunswick's aptly-named Grease Trucks
"What you'd eat and what's disgusting are two different things." - Tom, noting that Fredericks would gladly root around the raccoon remainders
"Most recent reports have him conscious yet bedridden and flagrantly incoherent." - Tom, updating Newbridge on the Iggles-induced hospitalization of Mayor-elect RTZPR"PBR"Z
"You don't think I know I'm doin' a good job? This is the best thing anyone can ever hear in any form of anything ever. What I'm doing right now." - Tom, Heave-Ho-ing ManiacFOT for stating the obvious
"Aw, the second Obama got inaugurated the Dow Jones went down 300 points. The stock mahket went DOWN. SEE?!" - DJ Terre T, repeating some sharp political insights from her conservative workplace
"Where do you work, by the way? A cab dispatch?" - Tom, noticing a pattern to DJTT's cast of New Yawky characters
"It wasn't that gooduva speech anyway!" -- Alvaro's AAA driver, raining on his Obama inaugural parade
"What punk band did he join? A band other than The Police?" - Tom, questioning the revisionist history of guitarist Andy Summers
"That almost had poetry in it!" - Fredericks, digging the dirty Elizabethan blues of Stink & Costello
"I don't know if you noticed it, but I left the room at one point. I had to go scream into Ricky's bed." - Mitch Wilkins, apologizing for his 7-year-old son's poor The Little Bluebird reading
"One was fresh, beautiful, full of nourishing lycopenes. The other: cold, undercooked, some would say fetid." - Mitch Wilkins, recalling two disparate options on the fateful Slice Day '96
"A security boy. They won't even make me a security man for another six months." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting his lowly standing in the Newbridge Commons force
"I mean, Hollywood may always nail what it's like to be in a band, but they sure don't know anything about being a mall cop." - Mitch Wilkins, detecting rampant falsehoods in the trailer for Paul Blart: Mall Cop
"Almost like what you'd think the big dude from Adam and the Ants would smell like after a full day's practice with the 1981 New Orleans Saints. Just horrible." - Mitch Wilkins, describing the foul interior of Tom's car
"Why do you wrap them back up in little bits from an old Flock of Seagulls poster?" -- Mitch Wilkins, trying to understand Tom's peculiar method of saving 5,000 partially-eaten Tootsie Pops
"I'm surprised people don't dump garbage on my lawn, or on my children, or me." - Mitch Wilkins, lamenting a disgusting existence caused by his Master's bad mojo spell
"You ruined my life. You ruined my life, you gross ape. You ruined my life you gross ape that stinks." - Mitch Wilkins, translating his exchange with an anti-Tom air horn

[TBSOWFMU - 01/20/09 / Podmirth / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

Ace Frehley - "What's On Your Mind?"

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Swervedriver - "Planes Over The Skyline"

( Click here to buy the Mezcal Head reissue)

The Marked Men - "Head Set"

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Unrest - "Oils"

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Moving Targets - "The Other Side"

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New Radiant Storm King - "Phonecall"

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Scrawl - "Gutterball"

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The 6ths (ft. Mary Timony) - "All Dressed Up In Dreams"

( Click here to buy Wasps' Nest)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- A caller says he just tuned in while Tom was talking about The Honeymooners and The Flintstones. He did some quick research that disputes Tom's statement that the Stone Age cartoon predates the blue-collar romp. Tom says he found confirming evidence of his chronology on two websites. The caller says The Flintstones first aired in 1960, whereas the half-hour The Honeymooners series launched its "Classic 39" run of episodes in 1955 (it was actually 1956, Kramdemadummy!). Tom reports that Jackie Gleason was so enamored with the Bedrock adventures that he wanted to do a live-action version. However, the high production costs led to the scaled down sitcom set in present-day NYC. The caller remains unconvinced.

Tom says he can only go by what he just read online. The caller uses his two contradictory websites to even the score, plus he actually remembers when The Flintstones debuted on ABC. Tom gets him to admit that he has no recollection of the first airing of The Honeymooners. He GOMPs the shameful caller and banishes him to the red state of South Dakota. Doodleeedoo says ouch to this painful relocation. Tom decides to send all subsequent bad calls to various red states.

Host Tom Scharpling whoops it up as he concludes yet another Tuuuuuesday night installment of The Best Show on WFMU. He thanks everyone for listening and promises to return next week. Wait. What? The show is actually just starting! Tom scolds his online soundboard for remaining mute as he attempts to fix it. He wonders if it is aware of exactly who is trying to operate it. The board finally coughs up a Fredericks guffaw. Tom explains that he does the show, keeps doing it, and then does it some more because you cannot stop it or top it. People have tried, and those people have FAILED.


- Frank from Weehawken nabs the opening slot (two weeks in a row!) to reminisce about 1990s hip-hop music. He's gathered that Tom is a fan of this vintage, so he was wondering if he caught Notorious, the new Notorious B.I.G. bio-picture starring buttocks-shot Jamal "Gravy" Woolard as the late MC. Tom has not seen it. Frank suspects he's waiting for Notorious to surface on IMAX. Tom plans to see it soon at a traditional multiplex since it will likely never screen in the larger format.

Frank says it was an alright movie, but the opening night madness made it a more enjoyable and nutty experience. The enthusiastic crowd sang along to Biggie classics like it was the participatory Midnight favorite, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Frank reports that the whole theater smelled like weed by the halfway point. Tom asks Frank if he got up to do a dance. While Frank remained seated, he did go crazy belting out "Hypnotize" during the opening sequence and came back later for "Unbelievable." He is unable to explain what compelled him to lose his marbles and let it all out. Frank assures Tom that he was simply joining the chorus and not disturbing fellow moviegoers. At least he managed to avoid the rude "Funk 49" antics of the Ziegler clan during Invincible. Tom commends him for having a grand 'ol communal time at the movies. He wishes Frank nothing but the best in life. Tom adopts an announcer-y voice to promise an ACTION PACKED show.


- A caller asks Tom if he just did an impression of famed sportscaster Howard Cosell. Tom says it was just a little flourish of non-specific voicework. The caller thought it sounded like Cosell urging his viewers to take a gander at heavyweight prizefighter Muhammad Ali.

He asks Tom if he saw any of Barack H. Obama's crazy (in a good way) inauguration earlier in the day. Tom says he watched most of this historic event. The caller enjoyed as much of it as he could, but he's still kind of recovering. Tom agrees that it was intense and emotional to see the first African-American President officially take the helm. He asks the caller if it was taxing to watch the TV coverage. The caller explains that he was actually recovering from an unrelated trauma: a little plane crash Tom may have seen on the news.

It's Sean from Rampbridge again. He called three weeks ago to recount his harrowing experience on Flight 254 out of Newbridge Intranational Airport and the subsequent embarrassment of his media tour. Sean says he was also a passenger on the January 15th US Airways Flight 1549 out of LaGuardia Airport. The Charlotte, N.C.-bound airliner filled with 155 passengers was forced to make a dangerous water landing on the Hudson River five minutes after takeoff. Sean notes the improbable odds of being involved in both recent accidents. Tom thinks it's insane. Sean says the conventional wisdom is that lightning rarely strikes twice, but it certainly did in his case. He thinks it's even more insane that nobody died on either flight. Tom is grateful that everyone made it through safe and sound. Sean mentions that nobody ever really listens when the flight attendants recite the standard safety spiel involving the SOP for an emergency landing. Tom says he also tends to tune it out. Sean always resigned himself to certain death in this unlikely scenario.

Sean, who was already very nervous about flying again, says his big fear of water made this one even scarier than the Newbridge flight, which just skidded off the runway. He never imagined that a flock of geese would cause a plane to lose power to both of its engines. Tom says the initial shock of the malfunction gave way to huge relief when everyone survived. While things turned out well, Sean says he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little bummed about not being chosen as the official Flight 1549 spokesperson. He was hoping to get tapped because he had some cosmetic surgery in the past few weeks to tighten his fatty jowls. Sean believes that his slimmer look would have made quite an impression if casting agents saw his new batch of interviews. He reveals that the ultimate goal of his appearances is to make inroads in Hollywood. Sean regrets that industry success is heavily dependent on who you know.


He says the passengers selected a guy who was all buddy-buddy with the pilot, Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger III, as they boarded the plane. Sean saw the aspiring star chumming up to Sully in the greeting area, yammering about his own piloting experiences. He was embarrassed to watch this amateur aviator chew Sully's ear off. Sean says that Sully was clearly super-bored by the shoptalk, especially a rant about fuel gauge maintenance. In fact, he's almost positive that he saw Sully roll his eyes and then mouth the word "munch." Tom is surprised that a professional pilot would be that annoyed by a brief encounter with one of his passengers.

Sean believes that he's become a kind of good luck charm for air travel. Tom guesses that's true since he's survived two horrible disasters in the past month. Sean expected people to appreciate having a good luck talisman on board, but most of them proved to be ingrates. Tom wonders why they didn't seem to take comfort in his presence. Sean's been trying to figure that out by retracing the steps his took to replicate everything he did the last time to ensure the same good results. Sean says his superstitious approach obviously worked, although people were a little startled when they heard it. Tom asks him what they heard. Sean blasts his air horn. He says he honked it three times just like he did before the Newbridge plane went off course.

Tom asks him when the honking occurred. Sean says it was shortly after the plane began its ascent and the landing gear started to retract. He wonders if it's called "landing gear," "starting gear," or the unwieldy "taking-off gear" at this point. Tom's not sure, but he thinks it's still landing gear. Sean wants him to check with call screener Rupert. Mike says its landing gear in both stages. When Sean felt the gears coming up, he reached into his carry-on bag and grabbed the air horn. He reprises his three-toot salute. Tom can see how this would startle people. Sean says some people were not so into it.


The air horn made its second appearance while the passengers were awaiting rescue by balancing themselves on the partially submerged wings. Sean says he hasn't seen himself within the frame in any of the news footage. He plotted a new attack because he didn't like that Sully acted like a bigshot and made a big production out of being the last guy to exit the plane. Tom reminds Sean that he's the captain who just saved the day by executing an incredibly smooth water landing. Sean says he was still being a little too "look-at-me" for his tastes. Tom is sure that Sully was just securing his vessel and making sure all the passengers and crew had been ushered to safety. Sean believes that Sully was well aware that the cameras were rolling as he prepared to greet people who were ecstatic to be alive.

He got into position about a foot away and blasted the air horn right in Sully's face. Sean says he couldn't believe that the creep immediately knocked it out of his hand. He was also distressed that the air horn canister struck a duck in the water. Tom clarifies that Sean did this just as Sully made his triumphant announcement that all was well. Sean says it was intended as a kind of a celebratory siren. Tom says he would have been furious. Sean is still upset that Sully hurt the duck and his feelings.


He quotes Gandhi's famous "I'm in heap big trouble" line to indicate his current predicament. Tom asks Sean to repeat the grammatically incorrect saying he's attributing to the Indian spiritual leader. Sean wonders if Tom ever saw The Lone Ranger series. Tom still doesn't know what he's talking about, but he's able to determine that Sean is dealing with a serious problem. Sean says he's been brought up on criminal charges and sued because the air horn apparently emits a frequency that attracts birds. Tom laughs when he realizes that the birds flew into the plane because of the air horn. Sean confirms that's why they are saying and defines "they" as everyone involved in the case. Sean says he needs money fast and maybe even a lawyer to defend himself. He estimates that the legal fees will run at least $5 million due to the scope of the complaints.

Sean hopes to raise some of the necessary funds by working as a DJ for WFMU, but Tom informs him that it's not a paying job. Sean suspects that it's high school radio station based on what he's heard. Tom says it's a freeform, listener-sponsored operation with a volunteer staff. Sean wonders if WFMU would become an above-ground station if a very special DJ named Dr. Thelonius Airhorn joined the schedule. He fires up the air horn to provide a sample of the playlist. Tom thinks it's a terrible on-air moniker.

Sean knows that the erodoc dramedy Airhorn Nights is not a terrible idea. He wants Tom to help greenlight this film by passing the script to director Ronnie Howard. Tom has never heard of this odd hybrid genre. Sean says that AN is an erotic documentary with elements of drama and comedy. He asks a baffled Tom if he's interested in hearing the gist of the film via its logline. Tom, who is known as a "creative" in the entertainment industry, is familiar with this summary device. Sean says it's basically him making love to various people while he blasts his air horn in their faces. Tom thinks it's a terrible project and wants him to stop describing it.


Sean then tries to convince Tom that his Broadway play, The Red Horn of Courage, is not terrible. Tom is amazed that he's simultaneously developing a feature film and a Broadway play. Sean calls him a munch because he's writing and auditioning actors for two Broadway plays. Tom apologizes for the oversight and applauds Sean's prolific efforts. Sean explains that TRHoC takes place in the Civil War days back when George Washington was President. Tom disputes the historical accuracy of the setting. The protagnasist, a kid who looks like John Boy Walton, eschews guns and bayonets in favor of another weapon. Sean asks Tom to guess what the character uses to hurt people. Tom correctly guesses it's an air horn. Sean demonstrates one of John Boy's wartime assaults.


The second play, Speed-the-Horn, takes place on a farm much like the plot of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow, currently in NYC revival with William H. Macy filling in as Bobby Gould for the mercury-poisoned Jeremy Piven. Sean wants Tom to guess what the characters use to till the fields in lieu of a plow. Tom goes with an air horn. Sean calls him a jerk because it's the noise that comes out of the air horn. He provides a taste of what the harvest will sound like. Sean says he recently discussed a role in S-t-H with William Hurt, who, like Sully, knocked the air horn out of his hands.

Tom assumes that Sean blew it in Hurt's face. Sean says he only aimed it at his neck. Tom considers the neck shot to be the same as a face blast. Sean does, however, fully admit to blowing the air horn in Ace Young's face. Tom doesn't know this unfortunate performer. Sean asks him if he ever saw Grease, and Tom refers to the movie adaptation. Sean calls Tom a jerk because he's talking about the play. Young, a seventh-place finisher on the fifth season of American Idol, made his Broadway debut as Kenickie in the recently completed run. Tom says he's never seen a Grease stage production because the musical isn't his thing. Sean insists that it's a fanciful work.


While Tom doesn't care for the radio, film, and theater projects, Sean doesn't think there's any way he could possibly poo-poo his plans to help people. He wants to start a company that provides a kind of closed-captioning for people who have trouble hearing the television. Tom is having trouble following Sean's business model. Sean hopes to explain his service by having Tom pretend to read the news like Tom Brokeoff or Keith Oldermann. He suggests some copy about today's inauguration. Tom begins:

It was a very dramatic moment in ... history when Barack Obama ...

Sean echoes the reading with a Morse code-like air horn racket. Tom asks him what he's trying to signal. Sean explains that he's translating everything into air horn language for people who can only hear these frequencies. He wants Tom to keep going and does a single blast to represent the word "Uh." Tom makes a reluctant return to the anchor desk, but quickly refuses to proceed with his fake report. Sean concludes that he and Tom will never be in sync with the air horn arts. Tom says that's the way it happens sometimes. He's glad Sean is otherwise okay.

Sean is glad about it being someone's birthday today, but he's disgusted to find out that that Tom hosts a rock 'n roll radio station and doesn't know who it is. Sean's hint -- a verse of a song played in air horn -- fails to stir up the answer. He jumps to the chorus as the instrument's power starts to fade like a goose-tangled engine. Sean makes a final attempt with his own vocals: "Out on the streets for a living ..." Tom realizes that Sean is singing "Black Diamond" by Kiss, the same song he played during his previous call. (Frontman Paul Stanley turned 57 today.) He doesn't know how he expects anyone to recognize his air horn covers. Sean gives Tom the second verse over his objections, and it sounds remarkably similar to the first verse. Sean says the lyrics are different: "Darkness will fall on the city."

Tom says it all comes out the same when filtered through the limited range of an air horn. Sean says the people he's trying to reach are more adept at distinguishing the nuances of this music. Tom is sorry that there are people who have to rely on these frequencies, but he really doesn't to hear them on his radio show. Sean says Tom is about to hear something for the last time. He delivers four sharp air horn toots and translates the parting shot: "Good. Bye. You. Munch." Tom says that he's not rooting against Sean, but he can't condone offenses like repeatedly blowing an air horn in people's faces.


- Spike slides into third with a "Yeeesss, Scharpling." Tom says that he's really changing up his greetings in 2009. Spike cackles likes it's 2008. Tom reminds him about last week's counseling session on his stale and boring act with the same three moves. He asked Spike to come back strong tonight with a review of Seven Pounds. Spike says he didn't get to see it, but he is prepared to discuss a fascinating HBO "America Undercover" installment on working girls in Atlantic City, N.J. Tom steps aside to give Spike the floor to critique this exciting erodoc.

Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain't E-Z Being A Ho' (directed by Brent Owens)

Spike says that ACH:IAE-ZBAH features interviews with five different hookers to examine how and why they entered the oldest profession, their compensation on an average night on the streets, and the common pratfalls of the job -- like getting molested or robbed. The film also explored the types of people (known in the business as "johns") who solicit their services. Spike starts to reference a particularly weird fetish, but Tom wants him to keep it clean. He makes it clear that this segment is not an episode of Dungeon Talk, Spike's short-lived 2005 public access series. Time Out New York called it "an overcooked stew -- some would say fetid -- of early-morning talker Perspectives with Lionel Osbourne, Chapter 6 of the hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet, and the inane mindgames of the Saw films." Tom doesn't want to broadcast the kind of filth that appears on The Mike Show and Love Phones with Dr. Judy Kuriansky. Spike says one young lady discussed a customer who was into certain things. He won't go into specifics, but the man pays a lot of money for his desired sessions.

Tom asks Spike if this man was an unhinged Werner Herzog fan who asked the woman to dress up in a chicken costume and join him for a nice game of Tic-Tac-Toe. Spike says there are no interviews with johns, and the woman never mentioned any poultry-themed role-play. Tom is glad that he's at least making Mike laugh with his Strotesick reference. (I hope the filmmakers contacted Gene Simmons to get a historical perspective.) Spike says the film offered a compelling peek into the rough world of prostitution. Tom wants his rating on the standard 1-to-5 Leather Mask scale.


Spike recommends ACH:IAE-ZBAH -- currently available via HBO OnDemand -- to anyone in The Best Show audience. Tom's obvious follow-up is how on Earth Spike saw a program on a premium cable channel. Spike claims that he pays for a subscription. Tom suggests a much different scenario: Spike dressed up like a deliveryman, entered an apartment building, found a vacant unit, and then viewed HBO until the owner returned from work and chased him down the fire escape. Spike says he pays to get HBO and Showtime in his own residence.

Tom says he did okay with this review. Spike admits it was no Seven Pounds of Flesh, but it was a bit more original than his usual material. Tom knows that Spike wants to see the nation's #1 film, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Spike says he does like Kevin James from his work on King of Queens. Tom offers to send Spike $11 for his tickets if he starts calling with regular movie reviews. Spike says it costs $12 in NYC. Tom agrees to mail $12.50 to his basement in Queens. He then realizes that Spike probably has some weird, offshore Paypal account that will prompt Officer Harrups to knock down his door for an illicit transfer of funds. Spike confirms that he has a Paypal account. Tom wants to figure out some way to reimburse his expenses without ending up in hamcuffs.

He asks Spike if he can manage to see PB: MC with a comp ticket in the next week. Spike says the money is not the issue. Tom knows that Spike can afford it, but the freebies are just an additional enticement. Spike says he will think about it. Tom excuses himself for once again trying to enlist Spike as his resident film critic. Spike cackles at his latest refusal to commit to doing something on The Best Show. Tom mentions that Spike gets weird whenever he asks him to co-host, write patter/sing for the awards show, or review a movie.

Spike falls back on his reluctance to ruin his supposed mystique. Tom informs Spike that there is simply no mystique to preserve because everyone has him pegged up, down, and all around. He does an impression of Spike's cackle and asks him if that really qualifies as "mystique." Spike says it certainly does and cackles back. Tom thanks him for reviewing the porno film and bids his buddy farewell until next week.


- Quality Caller Ben Kharakh checks in two weeks after he ended up on a thrill ride inside Fredericks's Den with special guests Spike and Julie. Tom was impressed that Ben held his own during a freewheeling chat about pull-ups, time travel and The Fonz. Ben reminds Tom that the segment ended abruptly due to JfC's uncontrollable toiletmouth.

Tom congratulates Ben on his recent transfer to Rutgers University, a high-quality, New Jersey institution. Ben says he's been exploring the surrounding area and stumbled upon a weird Jamaican storefront called Cool Running, a reference to the 1993 Disney comedy about the oxymoronic Jamaican Bobsled Team. He thinks the name suggests that its owned by the spoof maestros behind Epic Movie. Tom agrees that it sounds inauthentic. Ben has not been inside, but he wonders if it's an actual "thing" to use a pop culture reference as the name for a business. Tom says that some people do this, such as the proprietors of Cool Running in New Brunswick.

Tom asks Ben if he's visited the infamous Grease Trucks. Ben says it doesn't sound appealing to eat a sandwich that contains the entire MacDonald's menu crammed onto a giant bun. Tom thinks this is a good and accurate description of fatty GT fare. Ben is ashamed to say that he's gained some weight, so he's trying to eat well and exercise more. While the quality of the food at Rutgers is making this difficult, Ben plans to become a "healthy MacGuyver" to smuggle better substenance onto campus. Tom enjoys the reference to the resourceful secret agent. He already knew that young Ben possessed a clever wit from his writings. Ben says that his website archives older pieces from his age 14-17 period before he started focusing on Q&As with comedians. Like a young Judd Apatow, he's been probing comedic minds to find out what makes them tick.

Tom asks Ben about some of the more revealing tidbits he's learned by speaking with his heroes about their craft. Ben says he discovered that Andy Kindler was an English major who wrote poetry while matriculating at Binghamton University. He went by Andrew Kindler because he thought it would make him sound more distinguished in the literary community. Stand-up/country singer Neil Handburger told Ben that he earned extra cash by stuffing envelopes while waiting to go up on stage. Tom concludes that Ben has gotten a taste of all aspects of The Biz. He salutes him on behalf of Best Show fans everywhere. Tom terminates the call because he's gotta move the show along. It ran its natural course for this evening.



- Jon from way down south in Lawrenceville, N.J., calls with a question from a long-ago Tom/PFT discussion. Tom knows this guy. More on that later. Jon's been wondering if Tom ever got a chance to stay at the theme-roomed Madonna Inn in San Louise Obeesbo, CA. Tom vows to eventually check into the horrifying hotel, and Jon hopes that he will let everyone know which room he picks. Tom promises a full recap.

Jon also wants to thank Tom for mentioning that his name was bestowed on a food item. Tom reveals the caller's full name as Jon Solomon, the super-hott DJ on WPRB in fancy Princeton, N.J. The station requires listeners to wear ascots. Tom praises Jon's annual 24-hour blitz of holiday tunes from 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve through 6 p.m. on Christmas Day. While he previously stated that Jon had a sandwich named after him, it's actually a veggie stir-fry. Jon announced that he wanted his name on a menu, and a week and a half later he heard from a listener whose friend was opening the Blue Sky Cafe in Bethlehem, PA. Tom thinks that is an unbelievable turnaround time. He put out the same request two weeks ago and got no response. Tom doesn't want to insult Jon, but The Best Show is gigantic compared his program. Jon says he's aware of Tom's massive popularity. Tom points out that this segment is doing a lot more for Jon's show than his show. He chuckles at his comical ego trip.

Jon wonders if Tom wants to have input into the construction of his namesake sandwich. For example, how would he feel about someone serving "Tom Scharpling's Vegetable Panini," the lunch favored by soft-serve NPR geeks like Ira Glass? Tom says he would let these plans proceed. Mike mentions a spinach calzone and starts laughing about it in the background. Surprisingly, this is not his latest tattoo from the Flamingo Diner resident artist. Tom says he had a very bad dining experience that he won't discuss on the air so as not to besmirch the good name of any Jersey City eateries.

He will only say that he consumed the offending meal at 7:20 p.m., it exited his system at 7:45 p.m., and he recovered to take the mic at 8:00 p.m. Tom tells Mike that he does not want this item to bear his name. However, he is prepared to take whatever he can get - even junk like a Sloppy Joe -- as long as it doesn't induce vomiting. Jon promises to use his newfound culinary clout to expedite things and starts perusing the Blue Sky menu for potential candidates. Tom appreciates the gesture, but he prefers to find a different restaurant to avoid being a second banana. He will open his own restaurant, Tom's Place, if someone doesn't step up to the plate. Jon asks Tom to pick his ideal food for this project. Tom says he'd also like a stir-fry. Jon tells Tom to have a good week. Tom tells Jon to have a great week.


- Fredericks says he has some friends at Subs-N-Such down in Tampa who can get Tom a sandwich. Tom says that won't do him any good because the shop is 1,000 miles away. Fredericks assures Tom that the people at S-N-S know how to put together a good sandwich. He even decided what it will be: Cuban bread, bologna, Provolone cheese, and a lot of hot mustard. Who is this guy, Rambocky?! Tom thinks it sounds like the most disgusting sandwich of all-time. Fredericks says he would eat it. Tom points out that there's a big difference between what he'd eat and what is disgusting.

Fredericks wheezes at this astute observation and understands that Tom doesn't want to be lumped in with his dietary habits. Tom suspects that Fredericks would eat things a raccoon would pass over. He imagines him prowling around New Port Richey and unearthing fish skeletons from garbage piles like Top Cat. Fredericks says he does enjoy fish skeleton soup. He asks Tom if Snidely Whiplash was the cartoon villain who owned a dog with a wheezy laugh. Tom is shocked that this is the second time he's had this conversation today. He says it's Dick Dastardly, and his dog is Muttley. Fredericks asks Tom if he knows about concept of synchronicity. Tom says he's the one dishing out the answers. He can't help it if people bombard him with the same questions. Fredericks says he can't perform the canine's trademark wheeze because his switch to menthol cigarettes cleaned the crap out of his lungs. Tom is pleased to hear that he's now scorching his respiratory system with the additive. Fredericks starts breathing heavily, and Tom gives him the Heave Ho.


Tom got so swept up in the Obama wave that he hadn't noticed the breaking news about the Newbridge Mayubernatorial ceremony. He finds an article that explains the reason for the delay.




Town braces for chaos amidst medical emergency

By Marc Healy, Staff Writer

Earlier today Barack Obama became the 44th President on a momentous day for a country on the mend. Newbridge was also primed for history -- legendary comedian David Brenner was set to swear in Rutherford Thomas Zbigniew Phillips Roydon "Philly Boy Roy" Ziegler as the town's 52nd mayor. Unfortunately, the inauguration has been indefinitely postponed due to the Mayor-elect's hospitalization stemming from the tragic events this past Sunday afternoon in Glendale, AZ. Ziegler's beloved Philadelphia Eagles staged a valiant second-half comeback before succumbing 32-25 to the Arizona Cardinals in a hard-fought NFC Championship game.

tedsimpson.pngThe shocking turn of events has left concerned Newbridge officials and residents scrambling to find out who, if anyone, is charge. The previous mayor has already moved out of the Mayor's Ranch and has not been seen or heard from since last Friday. Some have speculated that Ted Simpson, the popular Newbridge High School football coach, is acting as the de-facto mayor. The news has been met with disappointment from those looking to celebrate much-needed change after a decade-long descent into economic and moral decay.

"I just bought a new cumberbund and purple velvet sweatpants," lamented Zachary Brimstead, Esq. while eating six tropical dogs from Barry's Hot Dog stand in Gortner Circle. "Mmmmm. Yeah. I hoped to serenade His Majesty with my barbershop slash air horn versions of all those punk tangos from Outlandish Devour."

While the ceremony has been canceled, Brimstead and others can take solace in some good news. Renowned punk musician Elvis Costello, who was supposed to sing the "Newbridge, Land of Freedom's Sweet Nectar" anthem, will play a special four-hour concert tonight at the Newbridge Municipal Opera House backed by the Newbridge Chamber Orchestra. Costello announced that he will not be performing any of his better-known songs.

There is no word on when the recovering Ziegler will be sworn in. Most recent reports have him conscious, yet bedridden and "flagrantly incoherent." Some members of his transition team, such as former candidate and new Pit Inspector General Hammerhead, have vowed to continue working in their appointed roles.

"Hey! Look, if I see old ladies trying to start weak pits, you better believe that I will give them a swift Nudge," said Hammerhead on a break from patrolling the Dockside Dolls erotic entertainment complex. "I shut down three shows last week at Buzzy's Downstairs."

Hammerhead added that plans are still underway to "injure and probably barge" WFMU DJ Tom Scharpling. The hardcore devotee spent the next minute laughing and then performed Flag of Democracy's "Everything's OK" while repeatedly punching passersby in the neck. Hammerhead billed his violent outburst as a tribute to his fallen employer.

Mayor-elect Ziegler's wife, Rhoda, declined comment when reached by phone, but eldest son Roy, Jr. could be heard shouting, "Death to Newbridge! Long live The New Flesh!," an apparent reference to David Cronenberg's 1983 cult film, Videodrome.


(Tom does the legal ID before Laurie in Miami yells at him.)


A guest tests out the Madonna Inn's special "Oriental massage chair"

- Mike in Manhattan calls to chime in on the Madonna Inn discussion. Last year he and his parents were talking about a possible family trip somewhere in the U.S. Mike jokingly suggested the Madonna Inn as a destination, and his mom raised an eyebrow. Mike did the same. She asked him why he would mention this hotel. He explained that it came up a few times on a radio show, and then his mom dropped a bombshell: 30 years ago she and his father spent their honeymoon at the eccentric resort. Mike found out that they stayed in the "Oriental Surprise" room. Tom wishes he didn't know this. Mike thought it was a little gross and funny. Tom mockingly praises the Madonna Inn's naming committee for being very progressive with their ethnic rooms. He thinks it's sick. Mike claims that the staff places a bowl of eggrolls on the bed pillows as part of their turndown service. Tom gives him the Heave Ho for taking it too for with the racist tangent. He considers the comment proof that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree in this family. Tom does not approve of making up new racist material to comment on existing racist material.


- Laurie from Miami says she's doing very well in her Obama t-shirt. Tom wonders what gave her the idea to put it on. Laurie's brother followed her lead with the t-shirt depicting Obama slam-dunking (t-shirtizing?) over Sen. John McLame. Tom mentions that people have been speculating that Laurie was hammered during last week's call. He bluntly reveals that someone accused her of being blown out of her gourd on prescription drugs. Laurie admits to taking a non-recreational dose of OTC cold medicine for a really bad sore throat. She says that her (actual-not-Party) doctor recommended Mucinex, which contains speed and led to the on-air loopiness.

Laurie starts shouting about people walking on stilts at Inaugural Ball, and Tom wonders if her multi-tasking also includes making dinner. He hoped that he could command her full attention for four minutes. Tom gives her the go-ahead to provide some play-by-play. Laurie reports that Nick Cannon is DJing, and Spike favorite Beyonce Knowles is singing "At Last" for the First Couple's first dance. Tom informs Laurie that the singer's name is Séance. Laurie says she wasn't sure what nickname Spike gave her. Tom thinks she might know that if she has listened to the show in the last three years. Laurie thought it was either Séance or "Bouncey."

Tom wonders if Spike hired her as a new joke writer. He does an impression of Spike calling to get six quick quips for his regular 8:20 set and then Laurie's response -- an extended high-pitched frequency not unlike Sean's air horn. Spike rejects "Bouncey" and asks for something on the HBO prostitution documentary since he flaked on Seven Pounds of Flesh. Laurie is unable to respond because she's too distracted by the guys on stilts. Tom gives her the Heave Ho for not being able to avert her eyes from the screen. He believes that the sickening influence of video game culture is to blame for the birdlike inability to focus. Tom thinks Mike's old-fashioned refusal to own a cell phone may be the right move. If he wants to warm his hands, he does it Rocky-style -- hovering over a flaming garage can in the middle of the street while surrounded by doo-woppers. Iwantyouback!



- Pete in Portland, ME, appears to be hiding from a murderer in his house like something out of the new Liam Neeson thriller, Taken. He explains that he's gone sotto-voce out of respect for his Fringe-watching wife. Pete, who used to call as ManaicFOT, says he just returned to the show after a yearlong sabbatical. Tom mentions that his previous persona made it into the new intro-duction theme. Pete says he just wanted to give Tom props -- if it is indeed his last year, he's going out on a very high note. He's been enjoying the interesting roster of regular callers and all the great talent as he shovels the snow. Pete says that he especially liked the interview with psychic/horoscope reader Calvin (sic) Juniper on the 1/6/09 show. Tom asks Pete/ManiacFOT if he foncies himself some kind of Friday Morning Quarterback like pioneering industry forecaster Kal Rudman. He gives him the Heave Ho for trying to rate his show. Tom says ManiacFOT is a nice guy who will always have a place in his heart, but he already knows he's doing a good job. He reminds everyone that he's doing the best thing anyone can ever hear in any form of anything ever.

Tom compares the high quality of The Best Show to the third season of The Sopranos and Bob Dylban's three-album run of Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited, and Blonde on Blonde. He's on FIYAH!


Tom is sure that the next caller is terrified after hearing his spirited proclamation, but it's WFMU's unflappable DJ Terre T. Tom wants to make sure he has the correct details for her role at the station. He informs listeners that TT is the host of the Cherry Blossom Clinic, which airs every Saturday from 3 to 6 p.m. TT confirms that this is correct, although she won't be on this coming Saturday. She recommends that people thrill to fantastic fill-in DJ Mike Lupica. Mr. Lupica was going to have a live performance by reactivated Colorado rockers The Fluid, but they canceled at the last minute. He will make up for it by playing The Grunge Years compilation on a loop for three hours.

When TT returns on January 31st, she will have the awesome A.C. Newman, the primary songwriter in power-poppers The New Pornographers. His new solo album, Get Guilty, drops today on Matador Records. (Good stuff if you have a high tolerance for jazz fills!) TT says she didn't mean to plug her show during Tom's show, but she did hear the call from DJ Jon Solomon of WPRB fame. Fredericks confirms that he did in fact call. TT is glad she's having trouble hearing Fredericks until she starts hearing him laughing it up. She wonders if he's co-hosting, and Fredericks says that he is. He also insists on addressing TT as "sir." Tom has had enough of Fredericks for now.

TT was compelled to call after hearing LfM's talk about wearing an Obama t-shirt. She's also sporting some inauguration-related clothing: unduhwez. Tom is leery of what appears to be a prelude to filth talk. TT knows it's a family show, so she will keep it clean. She mentions that a few years ago she bought an awesome pair of "F Bush" unduhwez produced by Kayrock Printing. She wore them today to celebrate the new President. Since TT works in a somewhat conservative environment, a lot of the people who filter through aren't necessarily big Obama supporters. She says that she observed several customers who expressed some interesting viewpoints throughout the day. The first guy was fired up about the stock mahket dropping 300 points within seconds of the inauguration. He suggested that this was proof that Obama is bad for the economy. Tom and TT fail to see the correlation because the stock mahket fluctuated wildly and ultimately went into the turlet during the Bush years.

Tom points out that the mahket will go down whenever a Democratic administration takes office. The amazing people lizards and dirtbags of Wall Street have spoken! TT doesn't consider the sleazy gekkos as laborers in the real economy. Tom says they are only interested in squeezing the most profits out of any enterprise. Now that the new administration is holding their feet held to the fire, they reduce their exposure to the equities markets as some kind of grand "statement." TT says that she had trouble containing herself during the guy's crude economic analysis. He was followed a bit later by one of the more progressive voices. Tom is surprised that there was someone more progressive than the Dow doomsayer. TT couldn't believe the bummed-out mood around the office because she assumed that most people would either be neutral or joyous. Unable to spout openly racist rhetoric, the crettens disguise their disgust in a flurry of code words:

"You know I'm not prejudiced, BUT first bleck guy as President. Godblezzem. But you know, if you're gonna pudda bleck guy in oviz, you should pudem when the eCONomy's doin' betta. 'Cause when the eCONomy tanks, they're only gonna blame the bleck guy."

Ew buoy. TT cannot even make sense of that one. Tom notes that "not-prejudiced-BUT" is the classic set-up for prejudicial comments, while "God bless" is the ultimate dismissal. TT wonders how the previous 43 white guys were able to deal with criticism. She says that their fiscal performance was assessed based on policy decisions, not race.


Tom notices a similar accent to these pundits and asks TT if she works at a cab dispatching center. TT says she's a dockworker and then retracts the quip because union members are generally pro-Obama. Tom thinks it sounds like she's involved in a 2009 version of Taxi. TT says she has a million more stories, including a guy who shouted that he works for AIG, the flagrantly illiquid insurance giant. She thinks he has no right to weigh in because his cronies were supposed to protect the stock market instead of screwing it up. Tom rescinds this Wall Street Creep's vote. TT talks to WSCs in NYC who are feeling down about the battered economy they created.

She concludes her commentary and thanks Mr. Scharpling for doing a fantastic show. Tom recommends that people check out the archive for last week's CBC featuring a hott live performance by Magic Christian, the world's second-best active supergroup*, featuring Cyril Jordan of The Flamin' Groovies, Clement T. Burkhauser from Blondie, and Eddie Munoz of The Plimsouls. Tom thanks TT for the call, and TT beats him to a quick byebye.

*Best supergroup of all-time? CLICK FOR THE ANSWER!


- Alvaro in Glen Mills, PA, is nervous about his first pre-topic call, but Tom calms him down. Alvaro abandoned his original plan to skip his 12:20 p.m. class to watch the inauguration and listened to the radio coverage en route to school. He parked just as Obama's speech started, so he quickly put on his headphones before rushing to watch the rest in class. As Alvaro exited the car, he realized that he locked the door with the engine still running. He stood there knowing there was no way he was going to get anyone to help him during this important moment in history. Alvaro says the speech made him feel powerful and excited, but the location of his keys was a little deflating. Tom says that this gaffe is now his moment. Alvaro prepares himself for years of pretending he doesn't remember where he was when the first black President was sworn into office. Tom reminds him: trying to pry his trunk open to crawl into the front and retrieve the keys from the ignition.


Alvaro says the AAA driver who responded to his eventual call said it wasn't a particularly good speech anyway. Tom wonders what this guy was looking to hear from a President in his first moments on the job. Alvaro suspects that he wanted Obama to somehow heal the battered economy and eradicate all geopolitical strife from the podium. Tom imagines Obama getting an update on his Barackberry that indicated all was well with the world. Alvaro does give the AAA driver credit for getting his door open very quickly. Tom is glad that everything worked out. He tells Alvaro that he was shocked by some of the entertainers that have been appearing at various inaugural celebrations. Tom could understand booking the likes of Bruce Springsteen, Sheryl Crow, and U2, but not Johnny Brennan from The Jerky Boys. He watched one gala where JB started doing phone pranks from a hiding spot behind the Lincoln Memorial. Tom recognized the character named Frank Kissel, the wheelchair-bound WW2 veteran that comes off like a ninth-rate Dutch, if you ask me. Alvaro wonders if JB was targeting celebrities and/or Republicans. Tom says he shut it off as soon as he heard the ba-foon boom out of the PA system. He thanks Alvaro for the call.

NOTE: Kissel is one of Kamal Ahmed's characters. JB voiced Pico, Kissel's Mexican immigrant helper! A very sensitive portrayal, as I recall. According to the former duo's legal settlement, the only person other than Mr. Ahmed who is allowed to perform Kissel is Alan Arkin. (Check the deleted scenes on the Firewall DVD for a sample.) JB may need to round up a lot of money and maybe even contact a lawyer if he did in fact commit a breach.


- JfC says she's doing very good because DJTT called tonight. She thinks she's the second most awesomest person she doesn't know. Tom agrees that TT does a great radio show. JfC says she just wanted to endorse (in a good way) both TBS and CBC for being awesome. Tom says he needs all the help he can get. JfC doesn't think he really needs it, but she doesn't mind saying that she likes his great show. JfC is settling into her own place and adjusting to being on her own for the first time in her adult life. She asks Tom if he knows what she did last week. Tom guesses that she got hammered. JfC says she took out her own garbage for the first time in 11 years. Tom asks her how that went. JfC was surprised by how easy it was. She felt really good and empowered about successfully completing a chore she just never had to do before now. Tom understands that everybody does a different job around the house. He hopes that she does great in 2009. JfC hopes Tom does better than great because he's awesome.


- Pat says hello to someone named "Tommy." Tom doesn't like it, but he decides to move forward. Pat says he was confused last week when Tom cut him short and hung up. Normally he would accept a Heave Ho as necessary, but this one gnawed at him for the past week. Pat says he just called to say that he was unsettled by the premature dismissal. Tom promises to give Pat a fair shake the next time. Pat accepts the deal. Tom says he's nothing if not a fair man, and a female loudmouth chimes in on this issue. Pat identifies the culprit as his co-worker Jane, who was telling Tom to be fair to his fans. Tom says Jane, a first-time listener, has no idea what she's talking about. He just said he's nothing if not fair. Jane explains that she was just echoing that sentiment. Pat takes her off speaker, but Tom wants to continue the conversation. Jane reluctantly takes the phone because she has to be more interesting than the girl who just called. She and Pat are taking a tea break from working on a TV show. Pat turned on the radio, and now they are talking to the man on that radio.


Jane is very passionate about her involvement with Lifetime Television's forthcoming American remake of the popular BBC program, Cook Yourself Thin. The trio of co-hosts are Harry Eastwood from the original series, Candice Kumai from the first season of Top Chef, and a girl from Brooklyn named Allison Fishman. Jane says the basic format involves regular people coming in and admitting to eating ice cream all day long. The experts will then show them how to make lower-calorie versions of their favorite meals. Tom thinks the show sounds very interesting. He asks Jane to keep everyone in the loop on any CYT happenings.

buggybug.gifTom thinks this is a bad installment. He takes a break from the phones to discuss being driven bananas by banner ads that have bugs crawling on them. He wants them banned. Tom is not a fan of the unsettling sight of beetles and other insect species scurrying around a rectangular box on his screen He refuses to buy any of these bug-laden products. Tom starts getting queasy just thinking about his compulsion to swat at them.


- Tom asks first-time caller Carlos from Staten Island if he's a member of The Tenderloins, the borough's premier comedy troupe. Carlos wonders how he would know about them. Tom says the only things of any interest on SI are Sedutto's, Jim Hanley's Universe, the Lemon Tree hair salons, and The Tenderloins. Carlos says he has no idea about any of the Big Four. He's currently in his house with his left foot on the radio to get the best possible reception. While Carlos has only listened a few times, he already thinks this is a great show. Tom thanks him for the compliment. Carlos says his brother and ladyfriend in Florida are huge fans who turned him onto it.

Tom lets Carlos give them a proper shoutout because he sounds like a quality person and already snuck in a stealth version. Carlos starts shouting it out for Manny and Shanee. Tom's heard enough, but Carlos throws in one for Fredericks of NPR. Tom wonders if FoNPR is his cousin. Carlos doesn't know him, but he did pass through NPR when he lived in Florida. Tom assumes NPR is a total dump wiped out by a hurricane. Carlos says he never got out of his car to investigate the barren landscape. Tom speculates that the 15 surviving mutants of the once-great town appointed Fredericks as their king after the grocery store and Quiznos were found floating in the ocean. Carlos can't believe he's 30 years old and thinking about his youth in Florida. Tom gives him the Heave Ho for the stroll down Memory Lane because this isn't Stand By Me or This Is Your Life. He wants Carlos to build up a resume before journeying back to his yesteryears.


- David from Haddon Township calls from his current location of Montclair State. He likes the town's downtowny feel and nice shops. Tom recommends checking out a good Thai restaurant on Bloomfield Avenue. David confirms that there is a lot of campus buzz about Stephen Colbert's house. Tom wants the students to leave the guy alone. David knows someone in their mid-20s who tried to go trick-or-treating at the satirist's residence. Tom thinks that's sick. David agrees, especially since the man has children.

He called to get Tom's take on Chief Justice John Roberts's oath flub earlier today. Tom thought Roberts, a GWB appointee, may have been intentionally twisting the line to get Obama on a technicality. Roberts would then swear himself into the Presidency two hours later. David says that Roberts will get to take his mulligan in four years. Tom denounces the four people who still insist that Obama was illegally sworn in because he wasn't born in the United States. David suggests that he was born on Krypton. Tom is sick of hearing these clowns ranting and raving about producing an original birth certificate. He gives David the Heave Ho for making up something about Obama being born on the wrong side of Niagara Falls. The first-timers are getting some burn tonight on the court, but they go out on Coach Scharpling's terms. They all hit a wall and Tom's gotsta move it along.

In addition to his quest for a namesake sandwich/stir-fry, Tom is still planning to adopt the seafaring look of Judge Elihu Smails in the Caddyshack scene where he christens his new boat. He wants to dress like this for the bulk of 2009, but he's not sure how to begin the transformation. Mike directs him to Men's Wearhouse to pick up the requisite blue blazer and slacks. Tom says he will never shop at that store because of the dumb commercials. I don't blame him after my disappointing MW experience. I walked into an outlet last week and approached one of the salesmen. I then produced a picture of Paul F. Tompkins and told him that I wanted to achieve this extremely high level of sartorial splendor. The gentlemen guaranteed that he could help pull this off. However, 45 minutes later I emerged looking more like Harmony Korine during his first appearance on Late Show with David Letterman than the classy comedienne.


More to come, INCLUDING:

Elvis Costello's laff-track-sweetened* chat with reggae rip-off punkers The Monkees The Police on Spectacle.

*I definitely recognized one of those chortles from a 1990 episode of Married with Children. It was the one where Albert Bundy made fun of his wife.

AND: Bernard Shakey loses his mind ... again



- A caller says the previous segment got him excited about hearing one of The Police's punk tangos. Tom still has no idea what Sting was talking about. The caller is equally confused by this strange style. He says that Sting, who hated punk music, would slum it by occasionally filling in for Chelsea, who was managed by Miles Copeland. The caller suggests that Sting owes drummer Stewart Copeland half of his publishing royalties for plucking him out of the jazzer scrap heap up in Newcastle.

Tom thinks Copeland owes everyone an apology for not letting Sting rot in his jazz band. The caller identifies himself as Mitch. He's disappointed that Tom doesn't immediately recognize his voice. It's Mitch Wilkins! Tom points out that his Consolidated Cardboard co-worker sounds different on the radio. Mitch says that others have told him the same thing. He thanks Tom and Jillian for coming over for dinner the other night. Tom thanks him for the generous invitation. Mitch thinks Tom and Jillian were hilarious, especially when they acted out what it would be like if Metallica bassist Robert True-hee-ho was Sarah Palin's makeup artist. Mitch says the sketch had him and his wife, Dawn, rolling on the floor with laughter. Tom says it's something that always cracks them up, so it's hard to keep a straight face during their performances.

Young Ricky Wilkins reads to a more forgiving audience at the Newbridge Libary

On a more serious note, Mitch wants to apologize for the poor behavior of his 7-year-old son, Ricky. Tom doesn't know why this is necessary. Mitch reminds him that Ricky spilled a glass of wine. Tom didn't think it was a big deal at all. He says that Ricky just got a little excited about having guests at the house. Mitch was more distressed by Ricky's subpar reading from The Little Bluebird. Tom thought it was sweet, but Mitch assures him that he's been 100 times better in previous attempts. He says he drilled those pages with him for at least three days before the dinner. Tom thought he did a fantastic job for such a young kid. Mitch says it was like watching someone he'd never met before with all the stammering and pausing. He isn't sure if Tom noticed that he left the room at one point. Mitch reveals that he had to go scream into Ricky's mattress to expel his anger and embarrassment. Tom can't believe it was that upsetting.

Mitch also wants to apologize for putting out silverware that was not up to Tom's usual standards. Tom doesn't even know what that means. Mitch says that Tom deserves better. He almost ran out to Executive Crate & Barrel, a high-end offshoot of the original chain, about an hour before Tom and Jillian arrived, but Dawn said there was not enough time. Tom says he didn't even notice that anything was wrong with his utensils.


Mitch says he also attempted to borrow his neighbor's new leather couch for Tom and Jillian to sit on. The neighbor declined to loan out his Executive Crate & Barrel piece. Mitch knows that Tom is more accustomed to high-end furniture. Tom isn't sure why Mitch would come to that conclusion. Mitch says Tom deserves the best in life, and he always gets what he wants. Tom has no idea what he's talking about. Mitch fails to refresh his memory by referring to a slice of pizza. He can't believe that Tom forgot what happened on May 18, 1996. Mitch takes Tom back to their first year at CC when they were about an hour away from making their big Kincaid account presentation to their boss, Old Man Dalrymple. They had just enough time to go grab a slice at Pizza, Pipes, and Pandemonium at Newbridge Commons. Tom recalls PPP as being an okay place. Mitch says it's since been replaced by an Executive Crate & Barrel. When they arrive at the restaurant there are only two slices left on the counter tray. Mitch describes one of them as fresh, beautiful, and full of nourishing lycopenes. The other slice was cold, undercooked, and possibly fetid.

Mitch was first in line, and Tom was standing a few inches behind him. He remembers not hearing the kid behind the counter ask for his order because he was attending to an issue with his shoe. The next thing he knows, the kid is dishing up that fresh, sweet slice for Tom. Mitch then got stuck with the one that looked like a second-hand plastic chew toy for a dog. Tom doesn't recall any of the events from nearly 13 years ago. Mitch says it was a big day for him, and he would have received his rightful slice if his attention wasn't diverted. He claims that getting a lesser slice was a life-changing experience. Tom doesn't understand how a quick lunch break could be so crucial. Mitch says that his life took a massive downturn after Tom snaked him on the slice. Tom wants to hear about how his consumption of a fresher slice had an adverse effect on Mitch.

Mitch says that his lack of nourishment caused him to totally blow his portion of the Kincaid presentation. He dropped his presentation cards and knocked over Old Man Dalrymple's collection of minor-league hockey helmets. Tom vaguely recalls the helmet incident and takes Mitch's word that OMD was furious about it. Mitch asks Tom if he recalls not saying anything about his mishap. Tom says it's starting to come back to him. He does remember that Mitch didn't deliver a particularly great presentation. Mitch says he started to feel really weird and nauseous from the fetid cheese Tom made him eat. He then lost his train of thought and started rambling about Boston alt-rockers, Letters to Cleo. Mitch says that Tom proceeded to hijack the meeting.

Tom remembers that he was very prepared for the presentation. Mitch argues that he was more prepared, but he got flustered by the fateful food. He says that ever since that day Tom has been in OMD's good graces. Mitch, however, never recovered from the bad pizza/mojo Tom gave him. He's been meandering in sub-low management ever since. Tom doesn't know how he can pin that on him just because he got a better slice of pizza. Mitch says Tom has been getting the better everything. Tom does know that Mitch had to get a second job to make ends meet. Mitch says he's currently working as a Security Boy at Newbridge Commons. He has to work another six months before earning the title of Security Man. Tom was unaware that job had those rankings.


Mitch says his main beat is the Executive Crate & Barrel, which is the best store out there. He's actually in his car on the way to work right now. Mitch heard the earlier mention of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and he wonders if Tom has seen it. Tom has not. Mitch has no plans to see it because he can tell by the previews that the filmmakers don't know anything about the profession. Tom says that if the trailer is indicative of the film, they portray Blart as a bumbling boob. Mitch says that while Hollywood may always nail what it's like to be in a rock band, they are clueless about the day-to-day realities of working as a mall cop. He spotted numerous factual errors in the trailer, such as their failure to show the drilling of the hole. Mitch calls Tom a secudummy for not knowing that the first thing a new hire does is drill a peephole in the women's and men's changing rooms to see what's shaking in there. Tom says that is completely illegal.

He now realizes that Mitch is upset that the Blart character is an upstanding non-pervert in addition to being a bit of a doofus. Mitch says the movie has more falsehoods than Executive Crate & Barrel has different types of All-Clad stainless steel saucepans. Tom asks Mitch why he keeps mentioning the store. Mitch says he wasn't aware of his frequent plugs. Tom says he's mentioned it at least six times in the last 15 minutes. Mitch admits that the store manager offered him some nice coin if he mentioned Exec C&B once or twice on the show. Tom doesn't appreciate that he essentially did a commercial for their vast collection of cookware. Mitch says he has to do what he can to make more money.

Tom, God help him, wants to go back to 1996 to discuss the mysterious "shoe issue" that supposedly led to Mitch missing his chance at the fresh slice. Mitch says that he spotted a $5 bill on the ground and immediately covered it with his foot so nobody else would see it. Tom asks him if it was his money. Mitch isn't sure if Tom recalls that a little kid and his mom were there at the same time. He says the kid was screaming about losing his money. Tom does remember the kid being upset. Mitch overheard that the kid was excited about treating himself to a day at the Video Vat with all the money he saved up. However, he seemed to lose it inside the restaurant. Tom believes that Mitch stole it. Mitch says he acquired the money under the "Finders Keepers" rule because possession is "one of nine tenets of the law." Tom believes the correct saying is nine-tenths of the law, but in this case Mitch knew that the $5 came from the hand of a child. Mitch admits to the theft, but he blames Tom for it. Tom says that he didn't get to order the better slice because he was too concerned about stepping on a child's savings. Mitch attributes it to Tom's lifelong habit of casting bad mojo spells on him. He says that he needed the money to buy a special issue of a magazine he liked. Mitch says the title is not suitable for the radio, and Tom asks him if it's a dirty magazine. Mitch asks him to define "dirty." Tom doesn't think this is necessary. Mitch doesn't want to talk about it.

He says the previews also never show Blart breaking into any cars in the parking lot, a frequent activity for mall cops. Tom thinks it's a horrible practice. Mitch says they don't actually steal anything -- they just have fun rifling through people's stuff. Tom chuckles at how creepy it is to break into someone's car and poke through their possessions. Mitch says Tom wouldn't believe what people have in their cars. For example, Mitch once broke into a car that smelled really weird and horrible -- almost like what one would expect hefty Adam and the Ants guitarist Marco Pirroni to smell like after a full day's practice with the 1981 New Orleans Saints.

Mitch found an import 14-CD Al Stewart box set inside the malodorous vehicle. He asks Tom if he remembers the British singer-songwriter. Tom says he's a big fan of Stewart's work, and Mitch sings a bit of the Top-10 1978 single, "Time Passages." He says he dipped into the box and switched all the discs so none of them matched the cover. Mitch giggles about this hilarious prank. Tom confirms that he did things like taking Year of the Cat and putting it inside the Cat in the Act - Live '05 sleeve. He asks Mitch if he remembers anything else he may have done to this same car. Mitch says he remembers finding 5,000 partially-eaten Tootsie® Pops in a big tub. Tom thinks this was his car. He owns that Al Stewart box set and freaked out because all the CDs were in the wrong sleeves. Tom knows that he did not mix them up. Mitch laughs and thinks Tom could also see the humor of it at this point. Tom says he will laugh at it even less now. Mitch says this explains the instructions for a voice modulator that he also found in the car. Tom denies having such a manual.

tootsiewrap.pngMitch asks Tom why he licks the Tootsie Pops down to the first taste of chocolate and then stops. Tom says that technique is nobody's business. Mitch also wants to know why Tom then wraps them back up in bits from an old Flock of Seagulls poster. Tom repeats that the candy in his car is his business. Mitch says he hates Tom for ruining his life. He thinks his house is disgusting and blames Tom for not being able to afford a better one. Tom says it's a very nice house, but Mitch is surprised people don't dump garbage on his lawn, his children, or on him. Tom wants to know why anyone would attack him like that. Mitch says it's because Tom made him disgusting and caused all of his woes.

Tom thinks Mitch is clinging to the pizza as a way to blame someone else for his disappointments in life. Mitch denies it and accuses Tom of being responsible for his addiction to cigarettes and beer. Tom asks him when he started those habits. Mitch says it was in high school, but he planned to quit on what he now calls Slice Day. While all of his choices have been wrong post-snaking, all of Tom's have been right. Tom repeats that he didn't get his precious, fresh slice because he was focusing his attention on stealing $5 from a child. Mitch reminds him that he was also focused on getting that magazine. Tom says that he's sorry if Mitch is not happy with his life. Since Tom is very happy, Mitch considers just following his orders. He starts referring to Tom as his "Master" and asks him if he should drink another beer or smoke another cigarette. Tom rejects the role, but advises against doing those things. Mitch asks him if he should break into a car. Tom tells him not to do any of that bad stuff.

Mitch ignores his Master and starts breaking into the car. He gets inside and finds a stash of 5,000 air horns and pictures of Tom's X'd-out face. Tom thinks that is crazy. Mitch notices that one of the pictures says, "You're gonna taste my horn." Mitch and Tom both start getting scared. Mitch is particularly spooked because the threat is written in his handwriting. He doesn't know how this is happening. He fires up the air horn and appears to be losing his grip on reality. Mitch begins whimpering and tells Tom that it's his fault that he's like this. Tom says that it has nothing to do with him. Mitch blasts the air horn twice. Tom suspects that he's inside the car of Sean from Rampbridge. Mitch thinks it's all too weird. He toots the horn and tells Tom that he doesn't like him. Tom tells Mitch to try to calm down. Mitch begins conversing with the air horn.

Air Horn: [5 toots]

Mitch: What'd you just say?

Tom: I said you gotta calm down, Mitch.

Mitch: No, what'd the horn just say?

Air Horn: [5 toots]

Mitch: You ruined my life.

Air Horn: [8 toots]

Mitch: You ruined my life, you gross ape.

Tom: The horn is not saying this.

Air Horn: [10 toots]

Mitch: You ruined my life, you gross ape that stinks.

Tom: The horn did not say any of that.

Mitch: It did, and now it's telling me to murder you.

Air Horn: [3 long toots]

Tom: The horn is saying none of that.

Mitch: It is, and I'm saying I don't want to, and then it's saying--

Air Horn: [4 toots]

Mitch: Yes, you have to, and then I'm saying, no, please! And it goes--

Air Horn: [6 toots]

Mitch: Yes, or I'll murder you, too, and I say, no! And it goes--

Air Horn: [2 toots]

Mitch: It says, come on, and I go, no! And it says--

Air Horn: [2 toots]

Mitch: Ah, please, and I'm like--

Air Horn: [2 toots]

Mitch: (terrified, whimpering) Andthenit--

Air Horn: [3 toots]

Mitch: STOP IT! [hangs up.]

Tom asks Mike to help him and resists the temptation to call his competition. Fredericks returns to try to get on The Mike Show. He likes Tom's show, but finds that Mike's is a little more interesting these days. Tom gives him a Heave Ho for life. Fredericks is now Mike's exclusive radio property.

[More to come, BUT in nutshell: Tom is not a thief, and he will not just CHILL OUT.]


On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pizza Aficionado's Mark Michaels calls to get some quotes for his upcoming lidblower, "A Tale of Two Slices," Spike reviews an episode of Cathouse instead of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and upstart Newbridge punkers Scumbag Parade enter the "Smash or Trash" gauntlet with their debut single, "I'm Gonna Make You Eat A Lawnmower, You Bitch!"




Thanks for reprinting the article and the Mitch call summary is hilarious.

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