The Toolbelt Ringer.
"And I'm gonna be forever, don't you think? Yeah, yeah. All signs point to 'Yes,' right?" -- Joe the Plumber, predicting an extended stay in the national spotlight
"Well, you know, it's not every day you go to a party and get to eat a toilet." -- Joe the Plumber, promoting the unique experience of his new line of fudge fixtures
"Tools is right!" - Joe The Plumber, confirming Tom's assumption that these objects will appear in his "Rooter of Eros" trading cards
"It can't be me. You know, I can't play myself. Yeah. I guess that would be like an invasion of copyright." -- Joe the Plumber, explaining his decision avoid self-incrimination by becoming "Jack the Plumber" for a recurring role on Days of our Lives
"Look, jerks! Listen! You guys keep giving me attitude? I'm gonna hit you right in the face with that one ... um ... that one tool I have that has that ... uh ... that weird ... uh ... it's like a pinwheel kinda thing that ... uh ... you know, when you screw it, it opens it up and then you get it around the pipe. I'll smash you in the face with that." - Joe the Plumber, attempting to threaten Tom and PFT with a monkey wrench
"I'm gonna be honest with both you guys. I've never really acted except for that one film I'd rather not talk about, but it can't be too hard, right?" - Joe the Plumber, hoping to overcome his inexperience for the big Coleman brothers audition
"I nailed that scene, didn't I?" -- Joe the Plumber, feeling good about portraying Shelley Levene as a Mexican Dracula
"I can see it having elements of that, but it also should be about machine-gunning bad guys from a helicopter." -- Joe the Plumber, infusing some action into David Mamet's boring real-estate talkie
"At the very least it's too much fudge." - Paul F. Tompkins, passing on JTP's promise of an edible, life-sized toilet in every Newbridge bathroom
Possessed - "Evil Warriors"
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Sacred Denial - "Born Free"
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Cobra Verde - "Haunted Heavens"
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Deerhoof - "My Purple Past"
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Pop Will Eat Itself - "Oh Grebo I Think I Love You"
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The Outnumbered - "She's Gonna Take It Out On Me"
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Svelt - "Shrunken Head"
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The High Strung - "The Curator"
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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
- A caller requests "Double Vision," but Tom informs him that he's not playing any records right now. He suggests that the chances of hearing the Foreigner tune tonight are pretty slim. The caller strikes out with Styx's "The Grand Illusion" before making a final attempt with "Foreplay/Long Time." Tom says he's not familiar with this track. The caller doesn't think it sounds like Tom frequently cracks million-selling debut albums -- specifically Boston's self-titled juggernaut. He fails to arouse Tom's memory with a rendition of "Long Time" that adapts the original melody into something approaching a Broadway show tune. Tom apologizes for being unable to honor any of these classic rock requests. The caller wants to know why. Tom explains that he's in the middle of a talk-based segment.
The caller is disappointed because he figured Tom would alter his plans for a celebrity. He tries to sign off in a fit of frustration, but Tom's curiosity about the mystery man is piqued. The caller gives a hint: he's probably the most famous guy in the world right now. Tom has no idea who it could be. The caller doesn't think it sounds like Tom has been watching the news. Tom remains stumped despite keeping up with current events. The caller provides his initials: JTP. Tom can't place the letters. It's Joe Wurzelbacher. The Holland, Ohio, resident, better known as "Joe the Plumber," recently succeeded "Joe Sixpack" as the middle-class Everyman figure in the McCain campaign after he confronted Barack Obama about his plans for a 3% tax increase on small business making more $250,000/year. JTP argued that Obama's leftist policies would crush his American dreams. He confirms that Tom has reached the appropriate level of excitement for this broadcasting coup.
JTP says that since he exploded onto the national scene he's been trying to book some quality facetime on various media outlets. As part of his strategy to better connect with a younger demographic, he went online to discover that WFMU is one of the biggest high school radio stations in the northeast. Tom tells him that it's not a high school station. JTP detects that Tom is disguising his adolescence with a voice modulator. Tom denies using the device. JTP thinks his sudden fame is nuts and awesome, and Tom reluctantly agrees that it's kind of awesome. JTP says his popularity actually prompted internal talks about him replacing "Sweetcakes" on the Republican ticket. Tom correctly assumes that this is his nickname for Gov. Sarah Palin. JTP says he also calls the embattled nominee "Palesincomparison." Tom had not heard anything about the possible V.P. shakeup. JTP says campaign officials even started mass producing McCain/Plumber signage until that dink Mort Rimbley nixed the idea. Tom thinks he's referring to Mitt Romney, the former Presidential candidate and McCain's current go-to hombre. JTP declares Mittens the dumbest name he's ever heard.
He asks Tom to hold on while he consults with his handlers about confirming some upcoming appearances on Late Night with Conehead O'Brien and Live with Regis and Kelly. JTP says he's been surprised that a lot of producers are declining to book him. He thought that every show would be clamoring to have him as a guest. Tom understands these expectations because JTP is clearly in the middle of his 15-minute run of grabbing headlines. JTP thinks that all the signs point to him staying in the spotlight forever. Tom is less confident about his long-term prospects. He wonders what level of fame JTP expects to maintain beyond just being part of the lore of the 2008 campaign. JTP says he was thinking more along the lines of rising to Jay Leno-level fame. Tom doubts that will ever happen. JTP appears to be angry about this skepticism.
He tries to win Tom over by announcing a new line of JTP products set to launch next week: koozies, bobblehead dolls, lunch boxes, and plumbing-related chocolate candies. Tom questions the public demand for these eccentric treats. JTP says the candy is shaped like tools, pipes, and even a life-sized fudge toilet, which will be marketed as the perfect party centerpiece. Tom isn't sold on the edible fixture. JTP plays up its novelty appeal since people rarely get the chance to eat a toilet at parties. Tom can't deny the truth in that advertising.
JTP thinks Tom will like his Halloween costume. Tom asks him what he will go as this year. JTP calls Tom a jerk for not realizing that it's a costume of him. He's kind of PO'd because Wal-Mart passed on it, citing losses a few years ago on a Michael Chiclets costume. Tom says that he's doubly shocked that Halloween costumes of JTP and Michael Chiklis actually exist. JTP wonders if the latter get-up involved a big Chiclets box. Tom says that Chiklis is the lead actor on The Shield, not a representative for the candy-coated chewing gum. JTP says that makes more sense because Wal-Mart only stocks one bald-guy costume per year. He reports that the retailer's 2008 selection is Uncle Festive from The Addams Family. Tom thinks the migraine-prone electrical conduit is named Uncle Fester. JTP now places the character on The Monsters, but Tom says he had it right the first time.
JTP predicts that Tom will love his rookie card from his forthcoming set of erotic plumbing trading cards. He says the first release in the improbable partnership between Gent magazine and the True Value hardware chain will be the "Rooter of Eros" series. Tom assumes the cards will focus on tools and handymen. JTP gets very excited about the tools that will be prominently displayed. Tom asks him to stop. JTP thinks the anatomical innuendo is fine because everyone is an adult except for Tom, who is a child using a voice modulator.
JTP asks Tom if Paul L. Thompson from Days of our Lives is still in the studio. Tom says that Paul F. Tompkins from VH1's reconfigured and aptly-retitled Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins is present. PFT informs JTP that DooL is a long-running soap opera. JTP is disappointed that PFT isn't a cast member because one of his TV projects involved landing a recurring role. PFT explains that the BWE format has a panel of comedians riffing on popular culture, and JTP assumes that he was the star of the past week. PFT says they did spend some time discussing his starring role in the second Presidential debate. JTP thought that his insertion into the national conversation was insane. He thanks PFT for pushing his brand. Tom saw the BWE pieces as more of a comment on his presence in the news cycle instead of a pro-JTP advertisement. PFT makes it clear that the material on the program was not an endorsement of any plumbing products. JTP says his soap-opera character would be called "Jack the Plumber" to avoid invading copyright protection by playing himself. Tom and PFT are understandably confused by this bizarre legal interpretation.
JTP says he plans to copyright "Joe the Plumber" and "plumber." Tom sees a problem with trying to establish exclusive rights to noun that has been around much longer than this specific craftsman. At this point JTP starts getting mad about the tone of Tom and PFT. Tom apologizes, but he points out that JTP's expectations are off-target. JTP erupts at the two jerks. He warns them that if they keep giving him attitude, he will hit smash them in the face with that one tool he has with that weird pinwheel kind of thing. JTP says his desired weapon can be unscrewed to fit around a pipe. Tom believes he's attempting to describe a monkey wrench. JTP knows it's one of the wrenches, possibly a crescent. Tom now remembers that JTP is not a licensed plumber in Ohio. JTP calls Tom a creep for questioning his credentials. After a pause in the conversation, he tells Tom to proceed. Tom reiterates that his career aspirations are at odds with reality. JTP disagrees.
He says that he will obviously leave the plumbing business because Tom's sidekick has been talking about him all week. PFT thinks this is a generous representation of his actual screen time on a show that airs for 30 minutes each Friday. Speaking of representation, JTP has secured an agent. He wants Tom and PFT to guess who has a really big audition this week in La. PFT (aka "sidekick") correctly guesses that it's JTP. JTP says the agent lined up a reading for the Coleman brothers. Tom doesn't know the duo's work. JTP asks Tom if he ever heard of a little movie called My Brother Left, which is set in the old days when people played banjos and sang gospel songs. Tom realizes that he's talking about the deep-South, Depression-era comedy, O Brother, Where Art Thou?. PFT mentions that it was made by the Coen brothers. JTP makes a note of that so he doesn't bust into the room and express his fandom for Rick Coleman. He believes the other brother is named Bradford. Tom says it's Joel and Ethan C-o-e-n. JTP takes the spelling as proof that they are "one of the boys."
He says he won't get any advance sides because the script isn't done yet. JTP admits that he's never really acted beyond that one film he'd rather not talk about. However, he doesn't think it could be too hard. Tom thinks it can be hard. PFT, the Oscar-winning star of Paul Thomas Anderson's There Was Some Oil, says it's particularly difficult if you lack experience. JTP says he's been practicing scenes from memory in the mirror, including Tony Montana's famous "Get ready to meet my little friend" warning from Scarface. Tom thinks the oft-quoted line is actually "Say hello to my little friend." PFT agrees.
JTP says that while he was scouring the Internet for scripts and tips on how to act good he saw a lot of raves for Glengarry Glen Ross. He downloaded a scene in the hopes that Tom would run it with him on the air. JTP says he just e-mailed it to Tom using an address he got from the database for high school stations. Tom realizes that the scene -- like the bulk of this notoriously profane work -- contains language that is not allowed on the radio. JTP says he will change any offending words to keep it clean. Based on the title, he guesses that there are four major characters. JTP picks Glen and Gary, and asks Tom to read Glenn and Ross. Tom says that none of the characters have those names. JTP returns to the script to find William-son and Levene. Tom asks him to swap out that word. JTP suggests "fun," but Tom prefers "forget."
A scene from GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Written by: David Mamet
John Williamson ... Tom Scharpling
Shelley "Part Animal Part Machine" Levene ... Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher
Forget him! Forget Murray! John?!
You know?! You tell him I said so.
What does he know? He's
going to have a "sales"
contest ... you know what our sales
contest used to be? Money.
A fortune. Money. Lying on
the ground. Murray? When was the
last time he went out on a sit?
Sales contest? It's laughable.
It's cold out there now, John.
It's tight. Money is tight. This
ain't sixty-five. It ain't. It
just ain't. See? See? Now, I'm a
good man -- but I need a ...
Will you please wait a second.
Shelley. Please. Murray told me:
the hot leads ...
(Mexican Dracula/Bishop Pablo Fontana accent from this point on)
...ah, forget dis ...
What? Is this ... Oh, that's his ... Nevermind.
Okay. Uh ... the...Shelley?
The hot leads are assigned according
to the board. During the contest.
Period. Anyone who beats fifty
That's forgotten. That's forgotten. You
don't look at the forgotten percentage.
You look at the grrross.
What is ...
Why aren't you reading the lines?
I'm sorry. Either way. You're out.
I'll tell you why I'm out. I'm
out, you're giving me toilet paper, John.
I've seen these leads. I saw them
when I was at Homestead, we pitched
those c's Rio Rancho nineteen
sixty-nine. They wouldn't
buy. They couldn't buy a forgotten
toaster. They're broke, John.
They're cold. They're deadbeats, and
you can't judge on that. Even so.
Even so. Alright. Fine. Fine.
Even so. I go in, four forgotten leads
they got their money in a sock
They're forgotten Pollacks, John.
Four leads. I close two.
...they kicked out.
They all kick out.
JTP is confident that he nailed the scene. However, Tom offers critical notes about some of his choices. For example, he noticed that JTP shifted from an angry Caucasian to a Mexican Dracula. Tom advises JTP that the Coen brothers are not looking for an inconsistent tone. JTP says he was trying to show his acting range. He accuses Tom of ruining the scene with a subpar Williamson, but he ultimately blames Mamet for the glaring omission of a helicopter hovering over a druglord complex. Tom explains that it's a story about real estate salesman. JTP thinks that's boring. He sees the narrative having elements of that world along with some intense scenes of the heroes machine-gunning bad guys from helicopters. Tom delivers the bad news: there are no aerial battles in the script.
JTP says his big concern is being typecast as "the bald guy" once he scores the role in the Coen brothers film. He is certain that they will love him as long as he replicates the skills he showed in tonight's reading. For the sake of argument, Tom assumes that the Coens will hire him. He thinks JTP should be content with this great opportunity instead of worrying about any future roles. JTP says it would stink because he's not really bald. Tom is surprised by the revelation after seeing JTP's hairless dome all over television in the past week. JTP says that the McVain camp forced him to wear a bald wig because the aging maverick doesn't want anyone associated with his campaign to be more attractive than him. Whey they hired him to provoke the photo-op with Senator Oblama they gave him two options: a bald wig or a large facial scar. Tom is shocked to find out that JTP has a full head of hair.
The surprises continue with JTP looking forward to McVain's defeat on November 4th. Despite being a paid member of the campaign team, he will not vote for his employer. Tom asks JTP about his compensation for stumping around Ohio. JTP says he's received 50 gir with at least another 175 gir to follow. His agent is also shooting for residual payments from the commercials and every mention of his name at rallies. Tom wishes him luck in closing that deal.
JTP announces that he will vote for himself as part of a write-in campaign. Tom asks him to discuss his qualifications for the Presidency. JTP says he was just joking about the stupid plan -- he knows he can't run for President and mayor at the same time. Tom asks him where he's running for mayor. JTP confirms that Tom is strapped in and wearing a plumbing helmet before throwing his sewage-slathered crescent wrench into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. He thinks it will be great for the people of Newbridge, which is somewhere in New Jersey. Tom finds it strange that JTP is making a late push to become the mayor of a town he knows nothing about. JTP makes up for his ignorance by promising a fudge toilet in every local bathroom.
Tom repeats his earlier conclusion that the public doesn't want candy toilets in their homes. JTP assures him that they are constructed from good fudge. He wants Tom to ask his soap opera friend for a second opinion. PFT passes on it because, at the very least, it's just too much fudge. JTP thinks they both stink for rejecting the crux of his campaign. He tells Tom to add his name to the official ballot and threatens to beat both of them with a fudge monkey wrench. Tom thanks him for calling. JTP tells him to shut up and then hangs up. PFT, who found JTP's rudeness offputting, says it will be hard for voters to get to know the new candidate with only two weeks left in the campaign, much like McVain's surprise pick of the largely unknown Palin. Tom suspects that JTP is hoping to ride his media honeymoon into office.
On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Finally. The MayubernaPresidededenatorial Spectacular. May the Proudest Patriots win.
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