"It's barf-inducing." -- Spike, contemplating the horrors of an Old Man/That Woman regime
"Sick. That's sick. Those hillbillies. Come on hillbillies! Do the right thing, you weird mountain people." -- Tom, summoning the Virginia mutants to erase an early Good Guy deficit
"He would start crying -- like bad crying, not happy crying. Sad crying." -- Tom, imagining an exhausted Sen. John McLame's reaction to becoming President
"Oh. Really? You might be sorry! But that's okay." -- Julie from Cincinnati, getting an unexpected greenlight to file reports as The Best Show's Ohio correspondent
"Noooooooooooooooo!" -- A.P. Mike, moaning after his narrow Mayubernatorial defeat
"I'm your maaayor now, don't be scaaared now -- gonna rule with a hoagie, made-a iron, Tastykakes ... and beeer. Gonna ruuule ... gonna ruuuuule ... youse!" -- Philly Boy Roy, singing his acceptance speech
"You know why? I get to whip batteries at trick-or-treaters!" -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his love for Halloween
"You put it in, and it plays all these horrific sounds: car crashes, people screamin', dogs barkin', people dyin' and stuff." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the audio component of Milton Bradley's "Nightmare Machine"
"You better get back by 10 because that's when the wolfmen come out!" -- Mrs. Ziegler, stressing the importance of obeying curfew
"I guess it's like a pair of pliers you use on a van, but it's got like a widow's peak?" -- Philly Boy Roy, describing an odd subset of monsters called vanpliers
"Oh, I forgot something else. Uh ... Rhoda gave birth to a new kid yesterday, too." -- Philly Boy Roy, announcing the fourth-biggest event of his whirlwind week
"Yeah, the stockades and shackle depots aren't gonna start showin' up for a month or so." -- Philly Boy Roy, assuring the people that he will ease into his reign of terror
"All I wanna do is go the distance." -- Newbridge Vice-Mayor Rocky Balboa, committing to do whatever it takes
"I guess a Phil-n-Buster is when these two dudes do something that keeps you from bein' able to go home and watch TV." -- Philly Boy Roy, hoping to avoid lettuce slave ship gridlock
"It sounds to me like an Indian Chief and that guy from the Dead Kennedys." -- Philly Boy Roy, identifying the key players in the crucial White Eve and Jello Coal coalition
"Anyway, help me, O Great Mayor Rizzo to, in one word, Keep it Philly. Amen." -- Philly Boy Roy, concluding his prayer for a successful decade in Newbridge
"Hey, where's anything scary in this place? Other than the other troglodytes who came to this thing looking for scary stuff." - Tom, asking a Great Adventure employee to direct him to the prepared frights at, um, Fright Fest
[More quotes to come.]
Apples in Stereo - "Tidal Wave" (Denver, CO)
( Click here to buy Fun Trick Noisemaker)
Zero Boys - "New Generation" (Indianapolis, IN)
( Click here to buy History Of on 2/3/09)
Scared of Chaka - "All My Friends Are Ghosts" (Albuquerque, NM)
( Click here to buy Tired Of You)
7 Seconds - "Strength" (Reno, NV)
( Click here to buy Walk Together, Rock Together)
Corrosion of Conformity - "Positive Outlook" (Raleigh, NC)
( Click here to buy Eye For An Eye (Plus Six Songs With Mike Singing))
Honor Role - "Lives Of The Saints #135 (Naked Wife)" (Richmond, VA)
( Click here to buy Album)
Full Fathom Five - "Why Their Faces Are So Worn" (Iowa City, IA)
( Click here to get the rest of Four Song EP)
Boys From Nowhere - "Rocket to Nowhere" (Columbus, OH)
( Click here to read about BFN)
Deicide - "Lunatic of God's Creation" (Tampa, FL)
( Click here to buy Deicide)
[For Phillos Boyos Royos, the Mayor-elect-os of Newbridge-os]
Flag of Democracy - "Houses Made for Mannequins" (out there in Ambler, PA)
( Click here to visit FOD on Myplace)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun
before the Western world perishes in 2023:
- A caller says he just tuned in while Tom was talking about The Honeymooners and The Flintstones. He did some quick research that disputes Tom's statement that the Stone Age cartoon predates the blue-collar romp. Tom says he found confirming evidence of his chronology on two websites. The caller says The Flintstones first aired in 1960, whereas the half-hour The Honeymooners series launched its "Classic 39" run of episodes in 1955 (it was actually 1956, Kramdemadummy!). Tom reports that Jackie Gleason was so enamored with the Bedrock adventures that he wanted to do a live-action version. However, the high production costs led to the scaled down sitcom set in modern-day NYC. The caller remains unconvinced.
Tom says he can only go by what he just read online. The caller uses his two contradictory websites to even the score, plus he actually remembers when The Flintstones debuted on ABC. Tom gets him to admit that he has no recollection of the first airing of The Honeymooners. He GOMPs the shameful caller and banishes him to the red state of South Dakota. Therese says ouch to this painful relocation. Tom decides to ban all subsequent bad calls to various red states.
Oh no! Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no ... YES! The Best Show on WFMU is back for another Tuuuuuuuuuesday night extravaganza with host Tom Scharpling bringing three hours of mirth, music, and mayhem. It promises to be a very exciting installment because Tom will lock it down, rack it up, and announce the winner of the 2008 Newbridge Mayubernatorial election alongside the usual fun trials and tribulations, including a review of Kevin Smith's new sentimental sleazecom, Zach and Miri Make Pornographies. Tom remembers that there is also an important election for the President of the United States going down.
He proceeds to back-announce the opening music set, which ended with The Replacements' "Election Day," a bonus track from the recent Rhino re-issue of Pleased to Meet Me. The timely tune was requested by Mike the Associate Producer. Tom knows that most listeners are wondering why he would ever grant this request. He explains that on any other Tuesday he would reject all of Mike's increasingly bizarre selections, such as "What Kind of Monster Am I?," his big vocal turn from the Schnell OST. Tom was surprised to discover that the controversial Papermill Playhouse production is a musical. He played the 'Mats because it's Mike birthday. He serenades the aspiring mayor with a rendition of "Happy Birthday" that borrows the exaggerated vibrato of Vo Vo Dee Oh Oh-era Tony Randall.
Tom asks for suggestions for the best electoral map to monitor the election returns. He was all set up on Burger King's page until he realized that their map was actually a store locator. Tom initially thought all the mini-King heads scattered across the country represented counties. He tried the dumpy Huffington Post, but it was a trainwreck. CNN proved sketchy as well.
- Michael K from The Cynics is doing pretty darn good from his post in the heart of ignorant, racist Western, PA. Tom agrees that it's a very racist area. MK called to talk about the real election in Newbridge. However, he has two asides about the other one. While MK totally understands that CNN hasn't been doing any serious news reporting since Judy Woodruff left, he thinks they hit a new low by putting Twitter and Myspace comments on their crawl (Tim Jenkins strikes again?) during Rick "Bonehead" Sanchez's portion of CNN Newsroom.
MK thinks it's sad that major news networks now forgo crafted headlines in favor of a constant stream of idiotic nonsense from micro-bloggers. Tom agrees that social network interaction doesn't cut it in the journalism game. He's also not pleased with the link someone sent him for the SecondLife electoral map. Tom has no plans to track real-world results within a fake computer wonderland where Zorgon the Elder is fending off science-fiction challengers. MK interrupts to support Dr. Zachary Smith from Lost in Space. Tom yells at MK for not realizing who is running this show. The people want Kid Jersey Carson to do his thing with MK serving as a dutiful Ed McMahon. MK agrees to roll with it. Tom wonders if Neo and Morpheus entered the SL race, and MK laughs at the quip like any good sidekick. The bottom line: Tom thinks the SecondLife election is sick. He was also disgusted after watching CNN for two hours without seeing one bit of legitimate News. MK burns the rest of his short rope by asking Tom if they interviewed David Cassidy. Tom gives him the Heave Ho for trying to flip the JC/EM dynamic and conduct his own show.
NOTE: Howard Stoyne (L-Queens) garnered 8% of the SecondLife vote.
- A jubilant Spike greets Scharpling while in the throes of election fever. However, he's concerned that he couldn't find any websites for Newbridge results. Tom says they are coming up soon. He's surprised to hear that Spike voted earlier today because he thought his rights had been revoked. Spike says they've never been taken away. Tom salutes him for a job well done and then teases him by suggesting that he supported John McLame. Spike says he voted the American Way in the hopes that Barack Obama pulls off the historic win. He announces that he already captured the battleground of Pennsylvania. Tom confirms that Spike is not pulling an electoral fast one on him. He tries the usually reliable FiveThirtyEight, but the complicated graphing techniques require previous experience at Kinko's to decipher. Tom just wants some simple cartography.
(c) pigasus, 2008.
Spike says that he really called to talk about DJ Debbie D's wedding two Saturdays ago at the spectacular WFMU Record Fair. Tom has a bone of contention with Spike regarding this event because two facts are undeniable: Spike was in attendance and so was he. He asks Spike why on Earth he wouldn't make an effort to find the man he's been calling for years. Spike spotted Tom, but he didn't initiate an introduction because he was stuck on the other side of the venue with a pack of people in front of him. Tom, who was there all day, says he should have just waited five minutes for the crowd to clear out and then deliver a face-to-face "Heeeelllloooo, Tom." Spike explains that such an encounter would have ruined his mystique. Tom doesn't think there is much there to protect.
Spike mentions that some FOT suggested that he could have yelled out his old "Where's Debbie?" catchphrase during the ceremony. He declined out of respect for the bride and groom. A crushed Tom tells Spike that he just wanted to have the chance to forge a more meaningful friendship. Spike thinks they could be friends, but he was standing near the entrance to the restrooms. Tom points out that the Metropolitan Pavilion is not exactly Grand Central Station. He believes Spike could have pushed his way through the 10 people standing in the way of the meet-up. Spike recalls that it was more than 10, but Tom doesn't care if it was 100 because it's nothing a series of Excuse/Pardon Mes couldn't overcome. Spike says he remained in stealth mode to avoid interrupting the wedding. Tom is very disappointed. Spike acknowledges that a lot of people wanted to meet him. Tom points out that this conversation is a testament to how distracted he is by the election. Spike managed to gain the upper hand, reducing him to Andrew "Dice" Clay's quivering Wimpy Guy character (I'm sor-ry hon-ey, I just wan-ted to ...").
In addition to avoiding Tom, Spike bought two rock music DVDs: Alan Freed's Go, Johnny Go! and Something About the '60s. Tom correctly assumes that he got them from the table with all the cool DVDs. He thinks that guy is one of the best dealers at the Record Fair. Spike says the guy in question had a ponytail. Tom points out that there were a lot of ponytails in the room.
If Obama wins, Spike will pop open some champagne. If he loses, he will pack his bags and move to Canada. He says the barf-inducing thought of McPain and that woman is enough to send him north of the border. Tom announces that NJ just did The Right Thing. Spike says that NY also went blue, but Tom saw that the state is currently 65%-35% for McPain with 99% of precincts reporting. He assures Spike that he's just teasing him again. Spike says that he stood in line for two hours with his iPod and no food. Tom thought he would have some granola bars for substenance. Spike says he would have brought a snack if he knew a long wait was ahead. Tom urges the states to continue to make this happen as Spike reports Obama's 83-34 EV lead on the Old Man. Tom thanks his buddy for the call and asks him to check back in. He gives him the Heave Ho for now. Tom makes one thing very clear: if you are from a state predicted to go blue, a lapse into the red will result in a three-month ban. Tom visits 270toWin and finds a useless, blank map.
- Laurie from Miami/Campbell Brown files a report from her hotly-contested home turf. Obama is in the lead by 5% with 36% of precincts reporting. She is hoping to avoid a three-month ban, but she's more nervous then she anticipated. Tom says that he's been sick all day. Laurie cried when she saw the Barack and Michelle cast their votes with their two daughters. Tom informs Laurie of her failure to fulfill the contract to mention The Best Show four times on 7 Second Delay. Laurie thought the deal was only for three mentions. Tom questions whether she even did that many and requests one more plug.
Laurie says that she wished Mike a Happy Birthday and told him that she met a Brussels Griffon named Herzog at LaGuardia Airport. Tom is somewhat puzzled about what it means to "meet" a dog. Laurie clarifies that she talked to its owner. She found out that the name was indeed a reference to Mike's beloved Werner Herzog -- the guy's friend is really into the director. Tom thinks that is creepy. Laurie asked him if the dog is able to replicate the bizarre chicken dance from the end of Strotesick. Tom, a longtime champion of animal rights, thinks the dog should be taken away. Laurie doesn't see anything wrong with the homage, but Tom suspects that it's a Germanic cloak for the even more disturbing real name: Hurts Dog. Laurie says she petted the seemingly sweet canine. After detecting some slurred words Tom gets Laurie to admit to being a little drunk this one time. Tom asks her if she's been downing shots of Goldschläger to calm her nerves. Laurie says she opted for a different elixir. It boines the throat! Mike, of course, has joined her, sipping from a Snapple bottle filled with blue liquid. Laurie wonders what is going on with the chronically in-his-cups call screener. Tom considers the possibility that it's actually Snapple. Laurie wonders if it's Windex. Tom hires her as his election night reporter for Florida. He asks her to call back with updates.
- Nick calls from Milwaukee, WI, a state that should be an Obama lock. He says the EV lead is up to 102-34. Tom warns that if Virginia doesn't go to Obama, everyone in the state will be banned. Nick thaws his computer to report a 54%-45% lead for McVain in the prized commonwealth. Tom thinks it's sick. Nick agrees. Tom pleads with the hillbillies and weird mountain people to do The Right Thing. Nick says he already scolded his Tennessee-based brother for McBain's easy EV win. Tom thinks it will be another 400 years before Obama could turn the state blue. Nick does give his brother credit for voting for Obama. Tom thanks him for the call.
- Charlie in Seattle makes an alfresco call to find out if Tom caught any of the Mike'd Up: Francesa on the Fan Election Special. Tom heard a little bit before he shut it off upon discovering that 98% of sports talk listeners are hardcore McStain supporters. Charlie says the perverse conservative rhetoric was like listening to The Glenn Beck Program. Tom denounces dimwitted WFAN mutants who don't have two nickels to rub together. Despite their dire financial status, the McLamers believe that all their cool stuff will be taken away by a Socialist Obama administration. Charlie points out that these slobs could make do with regular trips to the Aqueduct Racetrack and a steady supply of Mets box scores. He says that one caller linked McClain's stumbling performance to A-Rod's postseason turfouts.
Tom mentions Sen. Pizza's humiliating appearance in the cold-opening QVC sketch this past weekend on Saturday Night Live. He is convinced that the fledgling candidate did not want to stand two feet away from actress Tina Fey going rogue as a fake version of his running mate two days before the election. Tom imagines the horror McCrain felt as he realized that he was playing himself in a role normally reserved for impressionist Darrell Hammond. This was the real guy. Charlie doesn't think this is conduct becoming of someone applying for the lofty position of Leader of the Free World. Tom believes that McNotRad is relieved that his time in the Nightmare Machine is over because he doesn't actually want the job. He decided to run because he doesn't know what else to do after 30 years in the political trenches. Tom predicts that McWane will start sad-crying if he somehow wins. He knows that he's too tired to deal with the rigors of the Presidency amidst widespread financial tumult, environmental decay, and the ongoing Iraq quagmire.
- Jack calls from Portland, so Tom asks him whether it's OR or ME. Jack laughs. He's from blue Oregon. Tom says Portland, ME is also blue. Jack doesn't know if this is true. Tom gets rid of the electoraldummy for not knowing about the political persuasion of the New England region.
- Mike from West Midtownbridge, Manhattan asks Tom if he got a pamphlet on his doorstep claiming that the election for Democrats is tomorrow, Nov. 5th. Tom heard about these phony fliers and wonders what kind of creep would distribute them. Mike supposes that Republican shills in PA fit the bill. Tom thinks you have to be a grade-A, hellbound animal to perpetrate these dirty tricks. Mike says a similar group put notices on doors in impoverished areas claiming that people would be arrested for outstanding parking tickets at theor polling location. Tom doesn't know what is wrong with these monsters. Mike looks forward to their hambasket descent so he can laugh at them from the Heavens above. He played it clean and cool.
Tom thinks he needs to start playing it cool like Obama instead of yelling like his crabby opponent. Mike recommends deep breaths and mentions that Obama played basketball at 7 a.m. Tom wishes he played early-morning air hockey to continue his two-week hot streak of clobbering his CC co-workers. They stand up, and he sits them back down. However, he wouldn't touch the mallet today because he wasn't going to jinx Obama with an upset loss. Mike commends Tom for his restraint. He asks Tom for his take on his friend's practice of lifting the mallet above the playing surface. Tom says there is absolutely no topping in his game. He labels Mike's friend a boardwalk idiot player who should focus his attention on securing deep-fried Oreos, funnel cakes, and Kohr Brothers ice cream. When Tom watches the boardwalk trash play he does everything he can to avoid tossing his funnel cake. Mike mentions that these amateurs also stuff their faces with $10 cheesesteaks prior to (maybe during?) play, as well as touch the table and puck with their hands. Tom has also observed disrespectful slap-and-drag moves and line violations. He thinks it's sick. Mike tells Tom to have a good night, and Tom tells him to have a great night.
Chaos erupts during a wild day at the Ohio polls
- Julie from Cincinnati says the Birthday Boy let her through despite still serving a monthlong exile to Shut Up, Weirdo. She predicts that Ohio will make amends for '00 and '04 by going for Obama. JfC only knows two people (not including "The Crazies") who are not voting for him. Tom thinks this sample set is a valid indicator of how the overall Ohio electorate will behave. He thinks the state should be called. Julie agrees. She's also equally sickened by the insane tallies in Virginia. JfC was walking her dog and saw a TV at some place that said that and she was like: yuck! Tom is ready to drop a bomb on the state. He vows to not play Honor Role or any other VA music groups if things continue down this destructive path.
Julie says that the McCain/Palin sign on her street serves as a harsh reminder that Cincinnati is always red. She decides not to say some bad things that would likely offend people. Tom wants to keep things balanced, especially since he's giving JfC a reprieve on this special night. JfC says she wanted to represent the worst Republican state. Tom gives her the responsibility of tracking Ohio and calling back with updates. JfC is very surprised to hear Tom encouraging her to make multiple calls. She thinks he might regret the decision.
- Frank from Weehawken forges ahead despite being thrown off by having to follow JfC. He's trying to avoid any electoral SPOILERS because he's been out of the mix all day at a jobsite. Frank says that he did read about the Black Panthers prowling the polls. He also gives a shoutout to Mike from Manhattan for highlighting some of the voter suppression efforts. Frank thinks it's nuts. He asks Tom about the voting process in NJ.
Tom says the beauty of living in the NJ suburbs is that every town has nine schools equipped with voting booths. You're covered to the left, right, up, and down. He had no problems. Frank encountered a line, but everyone kept it clean and respectable. My voting experience was smooth and orderly until W.A.S.P frontman Blackie Lawless arrived wearing what appeared to be Mike's Schnell costume. After a brief lecture claiming that Obama was an active member of Al-Qaeda, he performed a cappella versions of "Animal (F Like a Beast)" and "The Real Me," which he still insists is an original composition. I was lucky enough to get him to autograph my "Stars and Stripes" codpiece, which I've worn on every Election Day since 1992. While there were no signs of Black Panther activity, a Mountain Goat got rowdy when an overzealous poll official tried to put an "I Voted" sticker on its young.
Frank is sad to admit that he sat out the 2004 election because he didn't like either choice. While he's similarly disillusioned this year, he wanted to take a stand when America is still a democracy. Tom thinks that is exactly the right approach. Not really. He thinks he needs to flee the studio to avoid any more callers who suggest the right to vote will be rescinded..
- David from VA makes what could be his final call until February 2009, but there's hope: the Southern red counties are reporting at 95% while the big blue north is only around 9-10%. He is confident that the turnaround is on the way. Tom takes his earlier edict even further -- David will be prohibited from listening to the program if his state blows it. In addition to the aforementioned Honor Role, Tom will not cart up any Dischord bands and will even abandon satirical thrashers GWAR, who have been a staple of his music sets since mid-2003.
David notes that the famed Dischord House is technically (and literally) in Arlington, VA. Tom knows. Hence the ban. David appears to be taken aback by the scope of Tom's electoral wrath. He thinks Arlington will be a major force in carrying Obama to victory. With 10% of precincts reporting, he has a 67%-32% lead. Tom recommends crossing toes and fingers as a precautionary measure. He asks David to rate the level of his embarrassment if NC comes through and VA doesn't. David thinks it would be really bizarre. Tom thinks it would be sick. David considers the possibility of moving to Charlotte if faced with this unpleasant scenario.
- Adam from blue Athens, OH, is rooting for the rest of the state to make his election dreams come through. He's also making a push to supplant JfC as Tom's Ohio correspondent. Adam says he's man enough to take over for someone who may lack the requisite reporting prowess. Tom loves to hear him taking an intrastate stand. He doesn't love that he still can't find one map that cuts it for him. Adam says he's been bouncing around all night. Tom thinks they are all disgraceful. Adam doesn't like CNN because it gives him too much clicking autonomy in what mutates into a Fontasy Election format. Tom says he accidentally gave Florida to McCain. I thought this site was wonderful.
It's that time. The polls have been open since August 20th, over a year after the race began on 7/17/07 with Hammerhead throwing his hat, suspenders, and fists into the ring. Helmets were worn. Safety belts were strapped. Candidates withdrew to spend more times with their families. Lives -- specifically Tom's -- were repeatedly threatened. Fifteen brave public servants remained.
2008 Mayubernatorial Results
15. Joe the Plumber (unaffiliated) - 357
14. Paul from Consolidated Cardboard (unaffiliated) - 442
13. Thor from Newbridge (Grassroots Movement Party) - 452
12. Chief Ray Ploppleton (Greasy Funk Party) - 530
11. Tor Halversom (Chocolate, Machine Gun, and Switchblade Party) - 609
10. Dr. Fred Meyers (Mental Health Party) - 801
9. Bob (Newbridge Freedom Lovers Party) - 847
8. Bishop Pablo Fontana (unaffiliated) - 996
7. Todd Palin (unaffiliated) - 1,250
6. Zachary Brimstead, Esquire - 1,766
5. Hammerhead (Newbridge Hardcore Party) - 1,837
4. Pudge Palfner (unaffiliated) - 2,207
3. Marky Ramone (Gabba Gabba Hey! Party- 2,927
2. Asssociate Producer Mike - 3,005
WINNER: Philly Boy Roy Ziegler (disenfranchised Republican) - 3,136
- An extremely giddy Philly Boy Roy immediately reprises his Rocky theme adaptation from a few weeks ago. What was once a threat about his impending rule is now a victory speech designed to allay fears and document the primary implement of his rule: a hoagie made of iron, Tastykakes, and beer. PBR punctuates the song with a particularly spirited giggling fit. Tom congratulates him on winning this epic race. PBR says it wasn't for a lack of complaining. Tom agrees that he was an aggressive candidate. PBR reminds him that he will serve a 10-year term and considers invoking his Executive Privilege to extend what is already the longest tenure in the country. For now he just wants to soak up the latest dose of good fortune in what has been the greatest week of his life.
1. (10/29/08) The Phillies won the World Series. PBR says the team's first championship since 1980 led to the greatest night of his life. He attended the abridged, decisive game and whipped batteries at players from both teams. Tom doesn't understand why he would assault the Phillies. PBR says that a couple of them were not delivering so he had to whip 9-volts at them. Tom points out that they performed well enough to win the title. PBR says it was in question so he used the batteries in the same way a jockey cracks a whip to speed up his horse. He claims some credit for the victory because the friendly fire make them work harder. Tom congratulates PBR on winning the World Series.
2. (10/31/08) Halloween. PBR declares it his favorite holiday because he gets to whip batteries at trick-or-treaters as they walk down the street. Tom chuckles at the horrible Ziegler tradition. PBR says violence is a reasonable response to subpar or inappropriate costumes. Tom asks PBR to discuss the kinds of costumes that fall into this category. PBR favors DIY originality, so predictable, store-bought outfits are likely targets. PBR says the best part of last Friday's festivities was cranking up the "Nightmare Machine" for Little Royda. He's surprised to hear that Tom did not have one when he was a kid. PBR explains that the circa-1970s Milton Bradley units came with an 8-track tape player, headphones, and View-Master goggles. The tape contained a medley of horrific sounds: car crashes, people screaming, dogs barking, and even people dying.
The sounds played over haunting images of monsters, such as Frankenstein, the wolfmen, and vanpliers. Tom thought there was just one Wolfman, but PBR says there was an entire clan of them. In fact, his mom always warned him to return home by 10 p.m., which was primetime for suburban lycanthropes. Tom says this is all news to him. PBR believes that at least a quartet of wolfmen is plausible.
Tom informs PBR that the final monster group he mentioned are called "vampires." PBR insists that it's vanpliers -- a pair of pliers used for van repair that has a widow's peak. Tom says he knows nothing about a menacing tool with this hair formation. PBR says the Nightmare Machine victim endures the horrific sights and sounds for as long as they can stand just prior to bedtime. When they wake up in the middle of the night screaming, they write down their nightmares. The next morning the parents review the documentation and pick a winner. Tom has never heard of this type of family fun. PBR says that MB discontinued the product for some reason. Tom wonders how this Halloween ritual helped him as a child. PBR says it actually scared the beejeezus out of him. However, he still wanted to pass it down to his children. PBR says Little Rhoda and Roy, Jr. didn't sleep for seven years after their initial Nightmare Machine experience. He giggles at their flagrant insomnia.
3. (11/4/08) Elected Mayor of Newbridge. Tom asks him when he will move to New Jersey. PBR remembers one other big event.
4. (11/3/08) Rhoda gave birth to their new child.
Tom is shocked that the newborn fell to fourth place on his list. PBR assures Tom that he will take care of it. Tom thought it would take precedence over baseball and Halloween. PBR tells Tom that the President is George W. Bush. He revises the statement to predict that the next President will be John McCain. Tom hopes not because he thinks that guy is awful. PBR says it don't matter because he was too busy arguing with Rhoda about baby names to have time to vote. While Rhoda prefers Michael (her father's name), he's lobbying for Philly Phanatic, Jr. or Dr. Julius Erving II. Tom doesn't think the couple are on the same page. PBR doesn't like Michael.
He says he was actually a little nervous while awaiting the election results because he heard there were some black panthers causing trouble at the polls. Tom did not hear about that. PBR advises against messing with the panthers because they have sharp claws. Tom explains that the Black Panthers are people. PBR disagrees. He heard they are real panthers who gather at the stink pits to beat on the garbage. Tom reiterates that they are not real panthers. PBR says one of his first orders of business will be to get rid of all the stink pits in Newbridge. Tom agrees with this initiative until PBR accuses him of living in one of these endangered zones. He denies it. PBR cites Tom's foul smell as evidence of his stink pit living. He specifically mentions the aroma lines coming off his armpits.
PBR bets that CNN commentator Campbell Brown smells good. He thinks she will interview him tomorrow about his rise to political stardom. Tom decides to take a wait-and-see approach to the potential segment. PBR comes right out and says it: he's interested in her ... as a lover. Tom caught his drift and thinks it's gross to covet the newswoman the day after his wife gave birth. PBR says he doesn't want the people of Newbridge to think there will be instant upheaval when the new Ziegler administration takes over. He plans for a gradual slide into power with the stockades and shackle depots not arriving for about a month. Tom thinks this regression to the days of slave camps is horrible and unacceptable. PBR says they will be reserved for citizens who refuse to follow the Ziegler Act, which will supersede the existing Newbridge Constitution. Roy, Jr. helped him draft the document. PBR mesmerized it:
I pledge allegiance to Roy, the King of the city of Newbridge, and to the Wawa, which now stands where Cumberland Farms used to. Once city under Roy, invisible, with Peanut Chews and Yuenglings for all.
Tom actually likes this nice gesture of goodwill. PBR says that Tom will also have to adhere to the new dress code. He's confident that Tom will never ever ever ever ever guess what it is. Tom doesn't even try. PBR says the men will wear Phillies uniforms, and the women will wear Eagles uniforms. Tom think it's crazy to force NJ residents to put on Philadelphia sports gear. PBR says Newbridge will feel just like Philadelphia after he bulldozes all the Cumberland Farms locations to erect Wawas. Tom has doubts that an extension of Philly will fly in Newbridge.
PBR says he already handpicked a Vice-Mayor who will help him with this effort. He hands off the phone so he can introduce himself: "Hi, my name is Rocky Balboa, the Italian Stallion." Despite audio evidence to the contrary, PBR says Balboa is standing next to him wearing fingerless gloves. Balboa pipes up in the background to state his intentions to fight again. PBR tells him that they don't have to fight after running a successful campaign. He confirms that Balboa will support his plans to transform Newbridge into NewPhillyton. Balboa says that all he wants to do is go the distance, and PBR tells him not to worry because they already did. Tom asks PBR if he can talk to his second-in-command. Balboa re-introduces himself and informs Tom that he's not as dumb as he thinks. PBR says that people in NJ mistakenly believe that all Phillyites are dummies. Tom says that he never accused Balboa of being dumb.
He asks Balboa how he met PBR, but the journeyman pugilist took a bathroom break. Tom points out that Rocky Balboa is the fictional character played by actor Sylvester Stallone. PBR agrees that Balboa is quite a character. Balboa returns and starts talking to his lover, Adrian Pennino. Tom asks him how he's doing, and Balboa repeats his desire to go the distance. Tom suspects that PBR is playing a tape pre-loaded with a rotation of lines from the Rocky films. He says that Balboa is unable to answer basic questions. Balboa mumbles that nobody owes nobody nothing -- you owe it to yourself. PBR agrees with the empowering sentiment and intends to put the quote on Newbridge license plates. Tom is now certain that it's a tape. PBR admits to using a novelty device called Rocky In Your Pocket®. He gets upset that Tom insists on trying to embarrass him on his big night. Tom asks him why he had to pretend that Balboa was in the same room. PBR says he wanted to seem like more of a bigger deal. Tom apologizes for unintentionally raining on his parade.
PBR wants to get back to business by telling the people of Newbridge that he will work hand-in-hand with the lettuce slave ship branch. Tom believes that he's trying to promise a close partnership with the legislative branch. PBR doesn't know what he's saying because he failed to properly mesmerize Roy, Jr's talking points. He says his son will play a vital role as his version of Karl Rose and Lon Chaney. Tom says the sitting Vice-President is actually Dick Cheney, but the name doesn't ring any bells for PBR. Tom supports Roy, Jr. in the Lon Chaney slot.
PBR says Roy, Jr. was hoping they would win by a big enough margin to thwart any Phil-n-Busters. Tom decides to pretend that PBR is using proper terminology for the lettuce slave ship obstruction technique. PBR says a Phil-N-Buster is when two dudes (i.e., Phil and Buster) take action to prevent someone from going home and watching TV. Tom accepts the definition. PBR says Roy, Jr was also worried about capturing enough of the White Eve and Jello Coal voters. Tom chuckles at this latest mangling of the language. PBR is confused about this voting bloc, which he thinks sounds like a cross between an Indian Chief and the frontman for the Dead Kennedys. PBR says he chauffeured Jello Biafra around Philadelphia in his cab (oh, the stories that seat could tell!) during a stop on the 1983 Plastic Surgery Disasters tour. Tom thinks this is an exciting little story. After his great week PBR wants everyone to bow their heads and pray for a safe transition:
Oh, Mayor Rizzo, up there on your Heavenly throne, grant me the strength and the patience to understand and deal with nem shortcomings of nem people of Newbridge. Help me to understand their non-Philly ways and let nem see the error of these ways. Help me to ascend the steps at Mayorial Newsmansion as gracefully as nem Hooters ascended the stars leadin' up to the Tower Theatre stage back in 1985 when they filmed the "And We Danced" video. Help me to defeat my detractors as nem Phillies defeated the Rays last week, and as nem Sixers will defeat whomever they're gonnay play in the championships next year. Could be the Lakers, although Utah's lookin' pretty good, too. Anway, help me, O Great Mayor Rizzo, to, in one word, Keep it Philly. Amen.
PBR scolds Tom and Call Screener Rick for failing to affirm their new Lord's prayer. Tom obliges with an "Amen" of his own. He thinks Rick is still too upset about narrowly losing the election. PBR commends him for fighting a real tough campaign and pins the loss on you-know-what. Tom asks him what that is. PBR reveals that the bottle is responsible for his 131-vote deficit. Tom thinks PBR played it just right. PBR says that when he shakes President McCain's hand on Inogulations Day next January 20th people should look out. Tom congratulates him again and wishes him the best of luck with governing Newbridge. He hopes that he will learn to appreciate the town's unique qualities that distinguish it from Philadelphia. PBR cackles about how he will make it his own, but he does promise to work hand-in-hand with the lettuce slave ship branch to preserve Newbridge. He thanks the voters and hopes they will return the favor by working hand-in-hand with the guillotine. Tom doesn't know what that means, but it appears to involve future beheadings. PBR giggles before a parting rendition of his victory theme. He performs the musical introduction before giving the final word to the Rocky in his pocket. Tom says that while this was an exciting call, it is not as exciting as NBC calling Ohio for Obama. Landslide's a-brewin'!
Tom's gotsta find more results because the CNN website remains a stink pit. He mentions the interviews with undecided voters during yesterday's two-hour CNN television session. Tom wants to know what kind of moron is still on the fence about the two candidates. The far less wishy-washy Evan "Funk" Davies makes a cameo appearance in advance of his three hours of power. He was checking out the station's Electile Dysfunction '08 coverage, a secondary audio stream featuring the likes of Billy Jam, Hatch, Chris T., Bob W., and Mac, a budding music fan who skipped political commentary in favor of mid-period Scorpions and tasting a flight of Joe Perry's Rock Your World Hot Sauces. Tom praises the diverse lineup of top-notch personalities and asks EFD to pick the Presidential winner. EFD goes with Obama based on his PA/OH twofer. However, Tom announces that McLame just pulled off a stunning upset in California. EFD retracts his statement. Tom says that Mike was bragging about voting six times: 3 for McLame and 3 for Obama. He doesn't understand why Mike engaged in fair and balanced ballot stuffing.
- Spike calls back to ask PBR some questions about his new dress code, but the window of opportunity closed. (Hopefully Spike will be able to attend the Cheesesteak Pancakes Town Hall meeting on December 8th.) Tom informs him that it's Phillies garb for men, and Iggleswear for the ladies. Spike does not seem to approve. The sartorial standard in his Sims 2 community is an ill-fitting WWFLD? T-shirt, purple satin pantaloons, a magician's cape, and, believe it or not, a Durst-red Yankees cap. Tom asks his NYC correspondent for the latest numbers, and Spike says that Obama won the entire state of NY as predicted. Tom wants Spike to describe the scene in his basement apartment. Spike disputes the subterranean nature of his dwelling, but he says it's filled with cheering people. Tom temporarily halts the Queens revelry with news that McLame holds a 51%-48% lead with 68% of precincts reporting. Spike doesn't like it, but Tom reminds him that Obama doesn't need a faux-"heartland" dive state to win. Spike recalls that Patsy Palin frequently told supporters that real Americans live in the Midwest. He thinks this is baloney -- real American lives in big cities. Tom thanks him for the call.
- JfC from newly-blue Ohio says that her sources put Obama at close to 60% of the vote with 13% of precincts reporting. She's not surprised because she called the state yesterday based her analysis on the early-voting period. JfC then becomes the first pundit to declare Obama the winner of the election. Tom tells people in the western states to stick it out despite this bold projection. JfC questions Tom's certification of the Mayubernatorial result because she was unable to vote earlier today. Tom says the polls were closed. JfC thinks they closed at a very odd time. Tom gives her the Heave Ho. He decided to close them without running it by the non-existent election board. Tom gets a report that NBC has called New Mexico for Obama. He asks Mike if he feels it. Mike will not feel it until it's officially over. Tom crunches some numbers based on MSNBC's current electoral map:
Obama = 200 + 55 (CA) + 11 (WA) + 7 (OR) = 273
He says that Mike was a nervous, stammering wreck pre-show, but that's not true. Mike actually helped calm Tom down from his bouts of hyperventilation. Tom is ready to apply the mercy rule to put McLame out of his misery.
- Famous comedienne Paulina F. Tompkins, the new host of Best Week Ever with Paulette F. Tompkins (Fridays at 11 p.m. on VH1), checks in as the Good Guys head into the final lap. Tom says he didn't like the first two installments of the pop culture round-em-up. He loved this really funny program. PFT is relieved because he was about to resign prior to Tom's quick about-face. Tom wants PFT to give the uninitiated some highlights from his resume, but the request is too difficult. Tom mentions that his ladyfriend told him she saw PFT in a film called Living Will. The title doesn't ring any bells for the stumped thesp.
Tom wonders if PFT was an unwitting star in some kind of Bowfinger-like scenario. PFT points out that those producers were covertly filming a big action star, not a guy who is struggling to cite his previous work. He says he would have gladly accepted the role in Living Will, which sounds like a fun suspense thriller. Tom plans to (re-)pitch the project. PFT and Tom are also shopping a movie called Phantom of the IMAX, the result of brainstorming while gnoshing on gigantic deli sandwiches that proved to be an ill-advised meal prior to going to the truly terrible Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure. Tom does give organizers props for having an ample supply of dry ice. He was disappointed to find out that unlike the 800 active monsters at Universal Studios, Fright Fest in Jackson Township, NJ, requires patrons to flag down employees to direct them to the area containing scary creatures other than the other paying troglodytes who are also searching for pre-meditated scares.
PFT suspects that SFGA may factor these terrifying slobs into the exorbitant $50 admission fee. While drunk college kids with chainless chainsaws will startle you, the rest of the guests will provide the real jolts. Tom estimates that two out of three monsters/ghouls were revving neutered power tools. He believes that management prohibited them from charging at people to avoid potential workman's compensation claims when they inevitably tripped. Hence the drifting. PFT thinks Tom is giving them too much credit for following orders. He observed the lethargic seasonal staff simply waiting for you to come to them. The worst part for Tom was the visual SPOILERS in "The Demented Forest," a monster-laden section that cost an additional $5. They dispatched groups into the forest, so the people 30 feet in front of Tom/PFT revealed all the monsters jumping out and then scampering back to their hiding spots to reset for the next wave. PFT recalls clearly seeing black-clad people stepping out from behind scary masks hanging on the wall in the blacklight tunnel. In fact, one guy was even holding several unattached masks in his hands as a means of further deception. Tom suggests that this was a misguided attempt to morph into Cerberus, the multi-headed Hades guard dog. He also assumes that the no-touching policy (ghoul-to-patron and vice-versa) was established after someone delivered a knockout punch.
The mention of this legal prudence prompts PFT to discuss one of his favorite YouTube genres: Punching People in Costumes. In one clip, a guy dressed as a scarecrow sits on his porch with a bowl of candy in his lap for trick-or-treaters. Two grown men dip into the bowl just as the scarecrow makes a slight movement. One guy instantly punches him in the face and jumps back. He quickly apologizes for the attack after realizing that an actual human is reeling in pain. PFT marvels at the fact that the first reaction is to fight back against a monster instead of running away. Tom admires the not-so-gentleman's bravery.
Tom's favorite video involves a ruse set in the hallway of a high school. He watched it 60 times in a row. PFT got his fill after 30. In a nutshell, a student reporter interviews classmates about their Halloween plans as a way to lure them closer to the flip-top recycling bin to his right. After asking his initial question to Tyrone, another kid wearing a t-shirt, dumb wolfman mask, and a Slash-y top hat pops out of the receptacle. Tyrone socks him. The wolfboy slumps back into the bin, and the lid closes to complete the round of human Whac-A-Mole. Tom and PFT note that the perp just stood straight up and emitted a weak growl -- no sudden lunging or other aggressive moves. Yet Tyrone connected with a straight right as though he'd been practicing for this moment all day, if not in a series of afterschool training sessions. PFT imagines him working a heavy bag with a monster face drawn on it. Tom disapproves of the unnecessary introduction of race (Tyrone is black) into many of the titles for this clip. He puts the YouTube community below bears and dogs on the evolutionary scale. PFT describes another entry in the Racist Jerk genre involving a kid getting dumped into a stream after his brother kicks away a makeshift log bridge. The clip is called "Stupid Mexican." Tom says ethnicity has nothing to do with the childish prank. PFT points out that the Mexican kid was simply trying to gain safe passage across the body of water when his brother (Smart Mexican?) took action to prevent this. The bottom line: Horrible clip, horrible name.
Alas, these are mere trifles and bagatelles compared to Diablo Royale, the band at Fright Fest.
[TO BE CONT...]
- [D. Carter & S. Carter TK]
- [Sarah from Maine TK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
- [Brian in Orlando TK]
- [Saram in New Brunswick TK]
- [Matthew from Greenpoint TK]
- [Laurie from Miami #2 TK]
- [Brian from Columbus TK]
- [Paul from Iowa TK]
- [JfC #3 TK]
Good Guys Win. Bad Guys Die.