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Some Kind of Mobster.

"Funniest movie of the year!" - Neil Cavuto, blurbing the right-wing laffest An American Carol

[More quotes to come.]

"Yeah, and the hair is like short. I like my hair like a little longer. Yeah, my lover likes it longer, too." -- Todd Palin, lamenting his style-cramping makeover
"Dude, you haven't even seen me on 7 yet. When I'm on 11, I'm like, you know, Hurricane Catalina." -- Todd Palin, putting Milt Robley's pleas for moderation into proper perspective
"Yeah, I still get down. Face down. In the snow. Both kinds." -- Todd Palin, staking claim to his snowblind youth
"Did you guys see Sarah Palin last night, HAAAAH? Wasn't she great, HAAAAAH? Didn't she do great at the debate, HAAAAH?" -- Sen. John McLame, driving Todd Palin up the wall
"Oh yeah, if the face and the bod didn't go with it -- seeuh! S'uh!" -- Todd Palin, indicating the key factors that balance out his wife's annoying voice
"She don't gotta read nothin'. I don't gotta read nothin' neither. What don't you not gotta read?" -- Todd Palin, dismissing the importance of newspapers
"Oh, come on, Sarah. He's rad." -- Todd Palin, attempting to turn Sarah onto the elusive charms of Jello Biafra
"Show Munch some respect, you munch." -- Todd Palin, demanding that Tom give his due to the competitive eater/Nazi detective
"Reagan's bong?! Reagan was not a pot smoker!" -- Tom, questioning the existence of a piece supposedly on display in the subterranean United States Vault
"That's my #1 mission. I want to get him herbal by Inoculation Day. Yeah." -- Todd Palin, setting a timetable for his quest to hook McLame on crippler
"You've shocked me, Todd Palin." -- Tom, commenting on the cumulative effect of the First Dude's series of rebulations
"A guy onstage playing a guitar shaped like a foot. I'm gonna say 'no,' that's not as good." -- Tom, rejecting Todd Palin's suggestion that Ron "Bumblefoot" Thal is a better axeman than Slash
"His big thing is hypnotizing for sex now. Yeah, he's teachin' me how to do it. I don't need to do it on Sarah, though. She's rabid." -- Todd Palin, learning valuable skills from the unscrupulous Phil Towle
"Are you really afraid of growing a beard because you think rats are gonna make their home in it when you're on the potty?" -- Todd Palin, asking Tom to confirm the latest release from the files of Dr. Fred Meyers
"There's a small chance I might've screwed stuff up for the ticket. Oh, man." -- Todd Palin, realizing that he talked too much smack on live radio
"I could always spin this like I was, you know, on DayQuil or something. That's what I'll do right now, yeah. I'm on DayQuil." -- Todd Palin, blaming his behavior on cold medication
"Dump this guy." -- Todd Palin, heave-ho-ing a caller looking for moose meat recipes


[TBSOWFMU - 10/7/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest World Domination Scheme / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]


Marnie Stern - "Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads"

( Click here to buy This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That)

Baby Shakes - "Now I Know"

( Click here to buy The First One)

The Replacements - "Nowhere Is My Home"

( Click here to buy the Tim reissue)

Branch Manager - "Talk To Me Sometime"

( Click here to buy Anything Tribal)

Love Child - "He's So Sensitive"

( Click here to buy Okay?)

Odes - "Underwire"

( Click here to buy Me and My Big Mouth)

Tracy Shedd - "Whatever It Takes"

( Click here to buy Cigarettes & Smoke Machines)

Horse Feathers - "Working Poor"

( Click here to buy House With No Home)


Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:



[Pre-Palin Stuff TK]


- Todd in Newbridge checks in to take a break from the boring second Presidential Debate. Tom says he'd probably be watching it if he was home right now. Todd recommends skipping it because even in the more flexible Town Hall format both candidates sound like broken records stuck spinning their standard stump speeches. He's abandoned the tired soundbytes in favor of just chilling out, drinking a couple of beers, and smoking a little cheeb.

Todd was busy during the first hour of the show, so he asks Tom to fill him in on on tonight's topic. Tom says he didn't get a chance to put one on the table because he was recapping the moussed goons-v.-security scuffle at the Tropicana Casino. Todd knows that Tom often heads down to AC for some R&R. Tom mentions that he uses it as his writer's retreat, and Todd thinks that's awesome. Since he's also a big fan of Tom's music sets, he wants to know if he missed any cool songs. Tom says he started the show with "Paranoia (Never Enough)" from TLRx's new Rapid Response EP. Todd thinks Ted Leo is great. He says that he likes to download Tom's tunes to listen to them inside his helmet when he's riding around.

Todd shows that he's an old-school fan by inquiring about what became of Brad Somerstant, a last-minute candidate for Newbridge County Water Commissioner back in 2000. Somerstant called Tom during his Election Night Special to announce his intentions to fight for clean, untainted water and dethrone Fat Cat incumbent, Claude Delp. A passionate Somerstant said that he was sick and tired of people claiming that Newbridge's water tasted like rotten pant cashews (use your imagination). He accused Delp of being a mafia-affiliated racist who dumped contaminants into the local water supply. (Slogan: "Let's Keep the Bigot out of Our Spigots!") Tom gets a kick out of hearing a reference to this blast from the past.



Todd dips into the archives again to pull up Bill Cheetah, a sarcastic insomniac from Denton, TX, who called in August 2003 to criticize Tom for not focusing enough on current events (e.g., the whereabouts of S. Hussein and the K. Bryant sexual assault case). He requested a five-hour show to aid his sleep in the crucial midnight to 1:00 a.m. period. Tom then dared him to come up with better material, so the agitator took the reigns for "Runnin' with The Cheetah," a DIY program broadcast from KLBJ, a fontasy radio station in his house. The Cheetah filled his time with a very eclectic music setlist consisting of They Might Be Giants ("Rhythm Section Want Ad"), deep-cut Kiss ("She's So European"), Steve Forbert ("Romeo's Tune"), Black Flag ("Spray Paint (The Walls)"), The Hooters ("And We Danced"), Television ("Venus"), Limp Bizkit ("Faith"), and Shania Twain ("I'm Gonna Getcha Good"). The self-proclaimed "Master of the Jungle" also threw out three topics: Favorite Fast Food, Best Guitarist (he went with Slow Hand over EVH and Wiggy Malmsteen), and the controversial Why Is It Okay For Some People To Use The "N-Word" But We Can't?. Tom remembers that guy being nuts. Todd agrees that it was an insane segment.

He asks Tom to hang out for a moment while he sheds his "monkey suit." Tom assumes he's referring to his work-related wardrobe. Todd confirms that the powers-that-be at his wife's job require him to wear the dreaded formal threads. He says it's so not him to don a tie that's feels like a noose around his neck. Todd wonders if his comparison is an acronym. Tom believes it's a simile, but Todd doesn't think it's a symbol. He says that he used a technique to establish that something also means something else. Todd also laments that the bosses made him get a haircut. He resigns himself to the fact that the makeover goes pardon parcel with being the "First Dude." Tom is confused by the title and goes momentarily speechless when he realizes who is on the line. It's Todd Palin.

Todd asks Tom if he thinks Philly Boy Roy will be able to hold off top challenger A.P. Mike in the stretch run of the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. Tom can't even muster a response because he's still reeling from the fact that a.) Sarah Palin's husband is calling him and b.) seems to be very well-versed in Best Show lore. Todd says he's been a huge fan for about seven years. He mentions that Sarah still talks about the night that PBR was looking at her in the window while she undressed. PBR recently revealed that he hit it off with the then-Mayor while unwinding with a few drinks at the lodge after a hard day of moose hunting in the Alaskan wilderness. He said her mood gradually turned sour, and she got really mad when she spotted him in her yard. Todd says that while the peeping incident creeped her out at the time, she is now able to laugh at it. Tom agrees that it was a very creepy tale. Todd puts his money on Marky Ramone to make a final push and predicts that Mike may be toppled by his penchant for heavy tippling. Tom acknowledges that Mike struggles with some personal issues. He's still shocked that he's actually talking to Todd Palin because he's in the glow of the national political spotlight. Todd says it's cool to get to talk to Tom. He thinks it's weird to actually be in Newbridge after hearing so much about it on the radio over the years. The verdict: it rocks.

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Todd says he arrived in town for Sarah's campaign stop at the Judge Montgomery Davies Political Rally Center. He's amazed that Newbridge has five different arenas and convention centers, which led to their motorcade pulling into the Judge Montgomery Davies Sports Arena. Todd says the venue mix-up was embarrassing, but it wasn't nearly as distressing as having to parade around in his suit and shorter haircut. He likes his hair a little longer, as does his lover. Tom starts to respond, but decides to let it go. Todd says that Sarah compares making love to him pre-haircut to rockin' the sheets with Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora circa the Slippery When Wet tour. He's not sure how she would know what that was like. He asks Tom if he should be concerned about any possible encounters between his wife and the hair metalist in his prime. Tom says he wouldn't worry about it too much since that tour was two decades ago.

However, Todd is definitely worried about how this campaign has turned out to be a total downer. The constant traveling is wearing him down, and the Republicans have no interest in cutting loose on the trail. Todd says that he's particularly disappointed that they won't let him ride the "Ice Hog" anywhere. Tom points out that there isn't much snow around in early autumn. Todd thinks Tom will love the great idea he had to overcome this. In a nutshell, he wants to blast out on his GSX over fake confetti snow when Sarah introduces him at rallies. Todd says creeps like Milt Robley do not support these flashy entrances. Tom informs him that he's referring to former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Todd thinks that sounds right. He mentions that Romney is always advising him to take things down from a level of 11 to a 3, but he's never even seen him operating at a 7. Todd has warned Romney that if he ever surged to 11, it would be the equivalent of getting hit with Hurricane Catalina. Tom notes that the powerful weather pattern that devastated the Gulf Coast was actually Hurricane Katrina, but Todd thinks that's just six of one, half dozen off the other. Tom is not familiar with this odd construction of the common idiom.

wasillajuggalo.pngTodd confirms that he's an Everyman Dude who is always looking for a good time. He says he had some rare campaign fun tonight when he and Levi sparked it up behind the podium before the Newbridge rally. Tom isn't familiar with his doobie partner. Todd clarifies that it was Wasilla heartthrob Levi Johnston, the dude/lover of his pregnant teenage daughter, Bristol. Tom recalls that Levi is also the father of her child. Todd says that's true as far as they can tell. He thinks it's cool to hang out with his Kid Rock-like future son-in-law. Tom wonders if Levi's kinship with the faux National Guardsmen is really a good thing. Todd says it would be fine if Levi didn't also share some traits with Violent J, one of the wicked clowns from the Insane Clown Posse. However, he does love the band and looks forward to becoming the First Juggalo. He wants Tom to guess what he'll select as the official First Drink for the new administration. Tom correctly guesses Faygo, the lower-end, Detroit-based pop that ICP frequently sprays on their fans during live performances. Todd admits that he's a little bummed that he couldn't spring that one on Tom. He says that Levi, who reminds him of his younger party animal days, also hates the monkey suit. Todd makes it clear that he's not in any way old and still gets face down in both kinds of snow. Tom urges him to show some level of proprietary based on this admission of cocaine use.

Todd doesn't want to get into a discussion of Bristol's pending, shotgunny nuptials, but he does see some parallels to his commitment to Sarah. He explains that his doubts about the suitably of married life were erased when something told him that the couple had to go through with it. The "something" was Sarah's dad. Todd says that he's not even sure if all of the Palin kids, who also include Track, Trig, Willow, and Piper, are even his. Tom thinks that's a little weird. Todd asks Tom if he thinks that Sarah is still hot. Tom says it's hard for him to be objective about his wife, but she's obviously attractive. Todd mentions that guys frequently tell him that he's lucky to get to rock it with her all day long. He doesn't want anyone to think that they don't spend the entire day rocking. Tom doesn't want to know any specifics about these marathon sessions.



Todd says that even Sen. McLame cannot resist oogling Sarah. He thinks it's sick, and Tom notes Todd's derogatory nickname for the top of the ticket. Todd says he coined it because McLame stinks. Tom is then surprised to find out that McLame is well aware of his own stinkiness. He asks Todd what it's like to tour the country with the elderly maverick. Todd says that he particularly hates it when McLame appends a "HAAAAAAH?" to his appeals to the crowd. He begins to cite an example from a McLame rally the day after Sarah's Vice-Presidential debate with Vitamin. Tom asks Todd to back up to clarify Sarah's opponent. Todd says it was Joe Vitamin. Tom informs him that it's Sen. Joe Biden. Todd insists the last name is Vitamin and wonders if the Democratic nominee is King Vitamin's son. Tom assures him that there's no relation. Todd wonders if this Joe Biden is somehow linked to "Joe Sixpack," the middle-American slob who has become a highly-prized swing voter in recent weeks. He says that this working class hero was one of his ideas. He held up flash cards with his Toddism as a reminder for Sarah.

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Todd says that McLame was touting Sarah's performance to his supporters with a flurry of rhetorical questions punctuated with loud, hard-of-hearing-style "HAAAAAH?"s. While Sarah's nagging "TAAAAD"s drive him up the wall, these are worse. Tom questions his attack on his own wife. Todd says that he would leave her if the desirable face and the body did not accompany the annoying voice. Tom thinks that's a disgusting attitude. Todd gives props to Tina Fey for totally nailed her Sarah impression on Saturday Night Live. He confides in Tom that he'd also like to nail Fey. Tom asks Todd to stop because openly talking about a possible divorce and extramarital affair isn't cool. Todd asks Tom if he can imagine getting into a menagerie with Sarah and Fey. Despite the incorrect terminology, Tom is able to figure out the hypothetical liaison. Todd doesn't think it sounds like Tom has recently cracked any issues of Gent. Tom is glad because he never peruses the pornographic periodical.

Todd says that all the speculation that Sarah is extensively coached on the issues behind the scenes is completely accurate. In fact, the handlers had a bird when Kathy Couric asked her to name the newspapers she read to keep up with global politics. Todd says that Sarah couldn't respond because the jerks and creeps who were coaching her failed to provide this information. Tom suggests that Sarah should have some responsibility for knowing her own reading materials. Todd argues that both him and his wife don't gotta read nothing. He asks Tom to tell him what don't he not gotta read. Tom says he's not sure if he's asking what he reads or doesn't read due to the eccentric grammar.



Todd reveals that there's also someone training him to avoid any foot-in-mouth slip-ups. He's pleased to report that Phil Towle is kind of cool. Tom knows he's heard that name before and asks Todd if Towle is a politician. Todd says that Towle is a life coach who mainly works with sports teams. He was also hired to help Metallica during the recording of St. Anger and appeared in the companion documentary Some Kind of Mobster. Tom, a fan of the film, is amazed that Todd is Towle's new client. He points out that the film is actually called Some Kind of Monster . Todd insists it's Mobster because Towle turned the guys in the band into mafiosos. Tom asks Todd if he saw the film. He says that he only saw parts of it. Todd wonders if mafioso is the correct plural form. Tom repeats that the final word of the title is Monster, and Todd tells him to crack a book if he thinks "monster" is the plural of "mobster."

He says the awesome and amazing Towle uses hardcore hypnosis to help his clients learn or do anything. Tom wants to hear more about these peculiar practices. Todd points to a SKoM deleted scene where Towle commands Metallica to perform an alternate version of the entire St. Anger album with his lyrics. Tom now realizes that Towle was trying to infiltrate the band dynamics far beyond just providing therapy. Todd says Towle was calling all the shots and frequently whipped producer / temporary bassist Bob Rock with a huge horse whip. He corrects himself: Towle favored a buggy whip a la Yes keyboardist Rick Wakeman.

Todd thought the revised St. Anger was a weird union of the same aggressive music with Towle's soothing words. One thing he couldn't change was the much-maligned high-ping snare drum sound. While Rock and drummer Lars Ulrich absorbed the brunt of the critical backlash, Todd says that was actually Towle's idea. Tom doubts that anyone would take credit for it at this point. Todd believes it's just a matter of musical taste. He says that Towle's general approach was to rewrite lines like the title track's "I'm madly in anger with you" to the much more positive "I'm happily positive about you and your endeavors." One exception that appears on the released album was "my lifestyle determines my deathstyle" from "Frantic." Todd says the dark lyric earned Towle 50% of the publishing royalties. He now has so much money that he was able to hire a famous chef to pen the foreward of Don't Throw in the Towle, his new motivational book. Todd thinks the choice makes sense. Tom is bit more dubious about the pairing and asks Todd to name the chef. He only knows that it's someone who reigns supreme in Italian cuisine.

Todd says the theatrical cut of Some Kind of Monster (he accidentally gets the title right) also omitted an action sequence where Towle directed the members of Metallica to rob a bank. Tom initially thinks this was some kind of trust exercise, but Todd says he's seen the footage of Towle putting all of them -- even new bassist Robert Tru-hee-ho -- in a trance to pull off a legitimate heist. He also drops some Tru-hee-ho trivia about his famous stepuncles: (de)frocked Bishop Pablo Fontana and Rodriguo Fontana, the drum pin inventor and Jesus of the Bishop's new Fontanetics life-based belief system that he unveiled during the 2008 Mayubernatorial Debate. Tom can't believe there's actually footage of a licensed therapist putting Metallica under a spell to commit a crime.

Todd says that after Towle completed his hypnosis the band, including Bob Rock, arrived at the scene and prepared to enter the bank. Meanwhile, Towle is putting his puppets in position via earpieces underneath their ski masks. At the moment Ulrich is about to open the door and yell "This is a Metalliholdup!," a parked car backfired and knocked Kirk Hamlet out of his trance. The dazed guitarist told the rest of the band that something wasn't right. They scattered just in time to avoid Officer Harrups, who was hot on their trail. Tom wants to know where the robbery took place because he is very familiar with this lawman. Todd says it was at a bank in San Francisco. Tom is now doubly confused, and Todd mocks him for not knowing the location of San Francisco. Tom makes it clear that he knows the city. Todd describes it as the home of Jello Biafra and calls Tom a jerk. Tom is surprised that Todd knows about the former Dead Kennedys frontman. Todd says he hangs out with him sometimes, although he's been unable to convince Sarah that he's a rad dude.

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Det. Munch, pre-organ regeneration (Click for post-!)

Tom says he's still trying to digest the fact that Towle appears to be some kind of weird mastermind who is turning people into zombies to do his bidding. Todd says that Towle almost suffered a major setback at the hands of Harrups. Tom mentions that Officer Harrups patrols Newbridge. However, Todd says this is Officer Bruce Harrups, the main cop in charge of possible bank robberies in the Bay Area. Tom emits a kind of shuddering gasp at the left-coast doppelganger. Todd says that the idiosyncratic Bruce Harrups reminds him of the lead on the USA Today Network television series called Munch. Tom doesn't know the SF-based program, so Todd explains that it focuses on a 102-year-old detective who is also the world's lone remaining Nazi. Tom suspects that Mike knows about the show because it sounds similar to Schnell, the Nazi-themed WW2 comedy he's doing at the Paper Mill Playhouse.

Todd says that Det. Munch suffers from an affliction where he can't stop doing certain things. Tom renders a quick diagnosis of OCD, but Todd says that Munch is a competitive eater. Tom asks him if Munch is really fat. Todd says he's not and compares him to the Japanese kid named Kominski. Tom chuckles at the decidedly non-Asian name. He believes that Todd was trying to reference the relatively slender gastro-athlete Takeru Kobayashi. Todd doesn't think it sounds like Tom has cracked any hot dog competitions of late. Tom wonders if Det. Munch is the Good Guy in the show. Todd says he's sometimes good, but he still takes pride in being a Nazi. Tom is not thrilled with this dichotomy, and Todd calls him a munch for not showing Munch respect. Tom refuses to support a Nazi. Todd agrees to disagree on this sticking point. Tom seems to be baffled that he's never heard of Munch. Todd says that the centenarian undercover detective has managed to regenerate his own organs so he looks like he's only 45. He cites films like The Hidden and The Boys from Brazil as major influences on this hilarious cop show.

Todd says he can't want until Sarah and McLame get sworn into office next February. He's convinced they will defy all current polling data because everyone who doesn't live on the east or west coast is an idiot. Todd longs to relocate to Los Angeles, which is where he really belongs instead of his stupid home state. Tom is shocked to hear that he doesn't like Alaska. Todd says that he's most excited about getting the chance to enter "the vault." He labels Tom an Ameridummy for not knowing about the United States Vault. The USV, which is supposedly located underneath the Pentagon, is a treasure trove containing all the answers to Earth's greatest mysteries. Todd says exhibits include JFK's real assassin (it wasn't clear if the perp is held captive or if it's just documentation), Martian bodies, and Ronald Reagan's bong. Tom is baffled by the last piece because he had no idea that Reagan was a pot smoker. Todd claims that Reagan smoked out all the time, but Tom doesn't believe it. Todd says his primary mission is to get McLame to go herbal by Inoculation Day. Tom thinks it's a horrible goal. Todd disagrees and plans to enlist Bryce as the official Presidential supplier. Tom is troubled by the potential connection between Newbridge's seedier side and the White House.

Todd suspects that Tom doesn't believe the USV exists. Tom says he's never heard about an extra-terrestrial warehouse that is open to visitors. Todd says Philly Boy Roy told him that they will let anyone inside. Tom wonders how PBR knows about the USV. Todd says that he got the information from a very reputable source: Roy, Jr. Tom prepares Todd for disappointment about the vault. He also doesn't want him to get too bent out of shape if he doesn't land in the White House due to a McLame defeat. Todd says he will decline the V.P. living quarters in favor of a party pad near the 9:30 Club or The Black Cat on the other side of D.C. He also considers just kicking it at Dischord House. Tom is surprised that Todd is a fan of the venerable label. Todd says he likes stuff. He also notes that the High Back Chairs were too pop for his taste.



Todd asks Tom if he will attend the Chiller Theatre Expo in Parsippany on the weekend of October 24th. Tom has heard of the event that Todd describes as a collection of losers signing items for idiots. He runs down a sampling of the dummies, including Angie Dickinson, Burt Reynolds, Lita Ford, and even Kelly Jo Minter. Tom is not familiar with this third-tier celebrity, prompting Todd to ask him if he cracks many horror sequels. He explains that Minter was in A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. Todd says the actress will follow her Chiller stint with an appearance in his hotel room. He laughs at his impending infidelity. Tom does not approve of the session. At this point he begins to question the effectiveness of Towle's coaching based on all the indelicate chatter he's heard for the past half hour. Todd says he's on his own time, and Towle has no idea he's making this call. Tom wonders how Todd will be able to duck out of the campaign to get to the Chiller Theatre in two weeks. Todd says he was added to the bill.



He hopes that he will provide guests with a change of pace from losers like Ron Thal. Tom is once again stumped. Todd sees this as evidence that Tom doesn't do much cracking of a yet to be released awful album. He tries to help Tom out with Thal's nickname of "Bumblefoot," but it doesn't register. Todd says that Bumblefoot is the latest lead guitar player for GNR, replacing the erratic Buckethead in mid-2006. He wants Tom to Google Bumblefoot and get blown away. As Tom searches Todd requests that he describe the look of his guitar when he finds it. Tom goes to the image gallery of the official site and sees a Fying V. Todd says that Bumblefoot also uses a custom model that has a little more character. It's shaped like a bumblebee. Tom goes from unimpressed to distressed upon discovering that the yellow-and-black attack axe morphs into a flesh-colored human foot. He's surprised that this guy landed the GNR gig. Todd thinks he's an upgrade from original GNR guitarist Slash. Tom sticks with Slash over a guy playing a guitar shaped like a bee/foot.

Speaking of guitarists, Todd is pumped about sharing some Chiller ballroom space on Saturday with the rad Ace Frehley. He's a big Kiss fan, and he thinks it's cool that both he and Ace only have to sign for one day. Todd points out that all the other losers will have to listen to people talk about their boring, small-town lives for the entire weekend. He looks forward to just showing up, smoking a Fattis, signing some graphs, and heading back to the Parsnippany Hilton Ultra. Tom is confused by the term "graphs," so Todd fills him in on the shorthand lingo for autographs that is commonly used by famous people. Tom says that Todd's brief time on national stage has quickly swelled his head. Todd does little to dispel the notion by asking Tom to make him a sandwich over the phone. Tom nixes the order. After the Saturday signing Todd will return to the hotel to hang out with his new friend. Tom assumes it's the aforementioned K.J. Minter, but Todd says it's Sheila Larson, one of Newbridge's most popular ladies and current Dockside Dolls entertainer. He says that Larson is a really, really, really good friend. Tom, who has heard plenty about Ms. Larson over the years, doesn't care to explore this seemingly erotic relationship.

Todd bets that Tom will be more interested to hear that he'll be signing copies of his band's new CD at Chiller. Before continuing the conversation Tom reminds listeners that he's talking to the self-described First Dude. Todd confirms that he's very pleased with the rad moniker. Tom is less convinced of its radness. Todd puts Philtowlellica in the rad category, and Tom thinks this may be the dumbest band name he's ever heard. Todd erupts into an extended "Whaaaaaaaaat?" that includes the sounds of him aggressively revving the engine of his Ski-Doo snowmobile. The Philtowlellica lineup:

Todd Palin: Guitar
Phil Towle: Guitar/Lead Vocals
Todd's Cousin Rex: Drums
Ron McGovney: Bass

The bassist's name tolls a bell for Tom, and Todd says that McGovney's presence allows them to get away with the "-llica"-ending name. McGovney, who befriended James Hetfield while in junior high, was Metallica's original bassist before Cliff Burton took over the role in 1982. Todd admits that they can't really use the name, but Towle is trying to hypnotize the guys in Metallica and their managers at Q-Prime into granting permission. Tom wants to know how he's putting all these people under his spell. Todd says his amazing skills allow him to do it on command. Towle is also trying to hypnotize promoters into booking the band for a November tour. Todd mentions that McGovney now hates playing music and was barely into it in the early 1980s. He was content being a regular dude with a job until Towle hypnotized him into picking up his bass again. Tom thinks it sounds like hypnotism is Towle's primary means for getting what he wants. Todd says he hypnotizes everything and everybody in his path all day long to get free cupcakes, car washes, and oil changes. Towle's new big thing is hypnotizing women in exchange for sex. Tom laughs at this terrible transaction. Todd says Towle is teaching him how do it, even though he doesn't need to use the technique on his rabid wife. Tom doesn't want to know about Sarah's lovemaking fervor.

Todd predicts that Tom's mind will be blown when he finds out that Towle learned hypnosis from his stepcousin, Dr. Fred Meyers, who is also Tom's former/current therapist. He says that Dr. Meyers appears to be really loose with the dirt on his patients. Tom is flabbergasted by the Towle-Meyers connection. Todd asks Tom if he's really afraid of growing a beard because he thinks rats will make their home in it when he's on the potty. Tom says he doesn't want to talk about his personal business. Todd thinks this alleged fear of a rodent residence is insane and even weirder than McLame's antics. He does another round of mocking "HAAAAH?"s. Tom realizes that Todd really can't stand that guy. Todd says that McLame hates him due to jealousy about his marriage to Sarah and something else that is unfit for broadcast. It sounded like Todd mentioned his abs, but Tom's deletion suggests a descent into more risqué regions.

Todd returns to the topic of autographs to see if Tom can guess who got 37 of them today. Tom laughs because voting for the Mayubernatorial election, which began on August 20th, ends in one week. Todd is aware of his tardiness, but he consulted the Newbridge Constitution, which states that candidates can announce their intentions to run up to three days before the polls close. He believes that he will become the First Dude. Tom takes a moment to summarize this bizarre scenario: the guy whose wife is currently running for Vice-President of America is now running for Mayor of Newbridge in the final week of the election.

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Todd explains that he will not have an official position in the U.S. government, even though he will secretly call the shots for Sarah behind the scenes. Todd says he pretty much runs the show in Alaska right now, confirming widespread suspicions that he serves as a "shadow Governor." Tom sarcastically suggests that this is shocking news. Todd says that when McLame kicks it, he will essentially be the President. Tom objects to this morbid transfer of power, and Todd amends his verb to "bites" it. Tom says he was less concerned with the phrasing of McLame's demise than his seemingly positive outlook on it. He does not support McLame/Palin ticket by any stretch, but he's not rooting for McLame's death. Todd says that he'll gladly ride the ticket into office, but he plans to vote for Obama because he has a lot of great ideas. Tom is amused by Todd's praise for his opponent. Todd is still confident that McClame/Palin will defeat the stronger candidate next month. Tom thinks it's insane to vote against your wife, but Todd says he's not sure they are technically married. If they are, it certainly hasn't stopped him from exploring other options. Tom says that Todd's support of Obama and his extremely late Mayubernatorial run are the latest head-scratchers in a night full of them.

Todd says he fulfilled the lenient residency requirements when his bro Bryce let him crash on the third-floor suite of his lean-to in the woods. Tom was not aware that Bryce's makeshift shelter was multi-tiered. Todd says that it's increased in height, but the so-called "suite" is really just an empty area where he can stand. Tom is shocked anew. Todd says that his first order of business as the next Mayor will affect Tom. Tom guesses that Todd will follow the lead of the rest of the field and put him to death. However, Todd is taking a much different approach: he will anoint Tom as his official Best Bud/First Best Bro. Bryce will be second-in-command. Tom notes that Todd and Mike are the only active candidates who have not promised to kill him. Todd recalls that his other bro, Glenn Danzig, was cool with Tom. Tom points out that Danzig dropped out of the race to spend more time with his family. Todd thinks it was a shame. He plans to visit Danzig tonight to play his vintage magnetic football game. Todd says that Danzig is an addict who competes in a league.



Tom tells Todd that he's as interesting as they come. Todd hopes that he can call again sometime when Tom's on the air and talk to people. Tom informs him that he's on the air right now. Todd is alarmed because he talked a lot of smack. He thinks there's a small chance he may have screwed things up for the ticket. Tom reminds him that he asked him if his handlers were privy to the call. Todd thought he was having a private conversation. Tom thinks his Obama endorsement may cause some problems within the McLame camp. Todd doesn't recall making the statement, but he thinks he could always attribute his wild performance to being high on DayQuil. Todd decides proceed with this spin doctoring right now. He goes on the record as being under the influence of the over-the-counter medication. Tom asks Todd to describe the music of Philtowlellica. He says they do all originals that sound like St. Anger-era Metallica crossed with a less rocking version of The Grass Roots. Todd explains that TGR are more Towle's speed. He's particularly fond of lead singer/bassist Rob Grill. Todd assures Tom that the riffs he comes up treat the listener to a full-on metal gallop through Shred City. He says that everyone in the band wears corpse paint except for McGovney. Todd slaps on enough to make up for him. With the DayQuil damage done, he's ready to take some calls.


/


- James from Brooklyn says it's great to hear Todd Palin talk about his love of Dischord Records. He asks Todd if he's more into the High Back Chairs or Branch Manager. Todd mentions that he already dissed the High Backs for being too pop. He thinks Branch Manager is pretty good, but his obvious favorite release is the Faith/Void split. James says this changes everything and remains undecided for the Mayubernatorial election. Tom thinks this whole maverick thing is finally making some sense. Todd says he's not sure if Sarah even knows what the word means. In fact, he knows she doesn't know what it means.

James asks Todd to give a thumbs up or down to Lungfish. Todd says that band is a little too late-period Dischord for him. James tries Fire Party, but Todd prefers old-school stuff like MT, GI, and Double-O. James is speechless. Todd tells him to party on, but he's disappointed to find out that James is not tokin'. James says this call has been much more eye-opening than the Presidential debate. Todd wonders if Old Man McLame is blowing it again. James says both candidates are currently seated, and he's not really sure what's going on. Todd asks him how many times McLame has said "HAAAAH?" so far. James says he's watching it via closed-captioning, so they just occasionally pop up on the screen. Todd says he also hates McLame's weird squint-wink-smile. James hasn't noticed that. Todd thinks it's sick. He wants to smash McLame's face when it's contorted into the offending configuration.

- Emma from Toronto, Canada, calls with a question for Todd. He seems very intrigued to hear a female voice. Tom asks Emma to please tell Todd her age. Emma reveals that she's only 17. She doesn't want to offend Todd, but she thinks his tone was a little creepy and over the line. Todd apologizes and tries to bond with Emma by telling her that Alaska's neighbour to the south is Upper Canada, which he can see from a helicopter. Emma asks Todd if he's frequently finds himself in a helicopter. Todd says he's sometimes flies in them when he shoots animals. Emma thinks this is a reasonable and gentlemanly form of the sport. Todd believes that God wants people to go on these aerial hunting sprees. Emma missed this part of the Bible. Todd is pretty sure the relevant passage is somewhere in Rebulations.

Since Canada is in the midst of their own elections, Emma is curious to see if Todd had any opinions on their House of Commons races. Todd says he does know that Canada is a country. Emma confirms that this is technically true, but she was hoping to get some more substantial insight. Todd asks her if anyone from Rush is involved in the election. Emma doesn't think anyone from the prog-rock trio is running. Todd says he doesn't know anything about it then. Tom thanks Emma for the call. Todd tells her to have a good night, which is something he will do when he hooks up with Sheila Larson in five minutes.

- Garrett from Annapolis, MD, calls to find out if Todd is more into the Faith or Void side of his beloved split. Todd says it's definitely Void and laments the passing of drummer Sean Finnegan. Garrett also appreciates Void's more experimental approach. Todd asks him if he's heard the unreleased album (Potion for Bad Dreams) they recorded for Touch & Go in 1983. Garrett got the bootleg and likes it. He wonders if Todd's adventurous taste in music corresponds with an interest in the more revolutionary side of Sarah's politics. Todd says he turns Sarah onto a lot of stuff. Tom is grossed out, whereas Todd is predictably amused.

- A caller asks Todd for some moose recipes for the hunters in the audience. The caller has tried stews and grilled moose for fajitas, but he knows he's not capturing the essence of the meat's flavors. Todd tells Tom to dump the caller.



- Spoony Spooky in Brooklyn asks Todd if he can use his connections in the SF scene to reunite the Dead Kennedys. Todd says he already has Klaus Flouride and East Bay Ray on board. He informs Spooky that drummer Darren Henley was replaced by Dave Scheff from Translator. The current incarnation of the DKs is further diluted by a guy named Chip on lead vocals. Todd thinks that's a pretty punk rock name. He knows that Jello is going to be tough, but he plans to hang out with him next week. Spooky urges Todd to bring it up in conversation.

- A caller says hello to the host, and Todd immediately knows that he's baked on crippler. The caller says he was stealing movies from the Internet earlier this evening (Todd thinks that's awesome) and scored a workprint of Bad Lieutenant 2 with Swedish subtitles. He doesn't think it will matter if the viewer is high. Todd asks him if he stole anything else. The caller says he also grabbed the original Bad Lieutenant. Todd likes the film, which he also illegally downloaded as part of his three-a-day habit. Todd asks the caller to send him his digits so they can hook up later for the double feature.

Tom thanks Todd for calling. Todd says he hopes to see everyone at the Chiller signing in a couple of weeks and then on both inauguration days. Tom hopes this doesn't happen. Todd tells Tom to be sure to add his name at the top of the ballot. As Tom goes through the particulars of registering for the FOT board and voting, Todd takes a monster hit of crippler. He bids Tom goodnight while sitting with it. Tom is stunned that Todd Palin is a fan of The Best Show. Mike didn't see it coming either.



[Post-Palin Stuff TK]


On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: The virtual Howard Stoyne calls from a rotary phone in fictional Queens to beg for an airlift to freedom, Officer Tom submits to the Smash or Trash gauntlet with acoustic covers of Body Count's "There Goes the Neighborhood," Motörhead's "Dead Men Tell No Tales," and Anthrax's "I Am the Law," and an anonymous caller blows the lid off an ACORNucopia of voter registration fraud occurring in the parking lot of Newbridge Commons.


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