"Yeah, I wrap King-Size Snickers bars in $20 bills and give those out." Tom, flaunting his money to trick-or-treaters
"I did stop when she told me to shoo, but I finished it later." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the happy ending to his window-loving interruptus with Sarah Palin
"But you know, she's only a kid. So I threw 9-volts wrapped in those marshmallow ducks, those PEEPS®. I didn't really hit her much." -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to reduce the impact of his Piper Palin projectile
"I'll tell ya what-os. I thought he was gonna reach right out and damn me to Hell-os!" -- Phillos Boyos Royos, fearing final judgment during the Pope's mast on Ben Franklin Parkway
"You didn't think I knew Latin, didyez-os?" -- Philly Boy Roy, proving he doesn't
"Well, they were dummies. They liked a band that s-ucked." -- Philly Boy Roy, justifying his 1979 whipping of Little River Band fans
"I haven't been this excited since the time I was elected Mayor of Newbridge next week." - Philly Boy Roy, displaying his Claire Voyantesque abilities to Tom the Nostradummy
"You just can't concentrate out there because all nem starlets and playas. It's like Philly x 2." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the Phillies's defeat in their first game in Weird-O-Wood
"I'm gonna rule that place with an iron hoagie. Oh yeah, better button down the hatchets, Newbridge." -- Philly Boy Roy, preparing residents for his imminent crowning
"Tom, please don't ban me. I'll send you a million dollars." -- Julie from Cincinnati, offering payola to remain on the air
"The H-Man is going to see Spamalot with his grandma tomorrow. Looks to be a nice outing." -- Best Show Facebook Poet Laureate, spending some more time with his family
"You know what-uh, I think you're-uh, doing a fake ... uh ... voice-uh. Heave-uh, Ho-uh, little creep-uh." -- Tom, dismissing a William F. Buckley impostor
"You say New Port Reggie, it's gotta be Florida, Tom!" -- Frederick's, touting his singular city
"Ringo has some sort of OCD where if you send him things, he has to sign them. It's like the leprechaun when you throw shoes at him." -- Paul F. Tompkins, defending the drummer's decision to ignore all fan requests
[More quotes to come.]
"Jim Beam, dude!" -- A member of Papa Roach, explaining why he was playing basketball on a Sunday afternoon
Exodus - "Bonded By Blood"
( Click here to buy Bonded By Blood)
Fire Party - "Are You On?
( Click here to buy 19 Songs)
Duchess Says - "Melon"
( Click here to buy Anthologie des 3 Perchoirs)
F'd Up - "Black Albino Bones"
( Click here to buy The Chemistry of Common Life)
Hank IV - "Feeding Me Back"
( Click here to buy Refuge in Genre)
Silkworm - "Dust My Broom"
( Click here to buy In the West)
The Rosebuds - "Bow to the Middle"
( Click here to buy Life Like)
Lois - "Stroll Always"
( Click here to buy Butterfly Kiss)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023-os:
- John in Houston heard Tom express disinterest in what Pugsley Adams was up to these days when he was listening to some recent podcasts. He doesn't have any Pugsley news, but he did grow up with the kid who played him in the early-1990s film adaptations. Tom considers these the "cool" versions ("This isn't your father's Addam's Family!") compared to television serial featuring Ken Weatherwax in the Pugsley role. John calls his generation's Pugsley a punk, so Tom bids him good day before he can further besmirch the good name of young Jimmy Workman.
As the theme music ends-os, a familiar sound begins-os: Tom Scharpling whimpering about not wanting to host the show-os. However, he quickly snaps out of his funk to launch yet another Tuuuuuesday night extravagonza titled "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Murder." Tom closed out the music portion of his triple-M formula with The Replacements' "Little Mascara" from the hott new reissue of their 1985 album Tim. Tom always thought the track was called "A Little Mouse Scared Ya," which presumably hit home due to his fear of pests nesting in his hypothetical beard. For the past 23 years Tom was relying on a fidelity-impaired CASSette that he dubbed from a friend until Rhino put out this revelatory CD version last month. Tom recommends writing the label at their Burbank, CA, address for a catalog and recommendations for other 'Mats-like releases. I decided to contact them by phone to speed up the process. After talking to a very helpful associate I placed an order for an album she described as a cross between the Twin Tone-era 'Mats and the first Nuggets box. I am pleased to say that Lightning Strikes Again is the most vital Dokken album since 1987's Back for the Attack-os.
Tom has planned an action-packed show with no wiggle room. It's wound so tight that one mistake will throw the whole thing out of whack. One bad phone call will send the house of cards comes tumbling down. One bad phone call, and it all falls aparts. One bad phone call, and the entire thing collapses. Uh oh-os.
- Spike puts a new twist on his standard greeting, and Tom thinks he called him Ted. Spike says he used the term "pet." P-e-t. Tom can't believe that Spike thinks he's his pet. Spike says he calls everybody that. Tom gives him the Heave Ho to the delight of Associate Producer Mike. Tom explains that he's not everybody.
- Power Caller Dave Hussein Knoxville returns in good spirits after a self-imposed hiatus. He's having a good week in Tennessee while surrounded by music that's marginally connected to scenes from The Best Show. Last night DHK caught a live Todd Rundgren show for the first time in about 35 years. He says that he was pleased to hear a really hott, Cheap-Trick'd-up version of Nazz's "Open My Eyes." Tom wonders if Rundgren really just New Cars'd it up. DHK mentions that the New Cars project fell apart after Elliot Easton fell off the stage and broke his collarbone.
He admits that the show was a little trying because the bulk of the 22-song set was devoted to Rundgren performing his new album, Arena, from start to finish. Tom says he would have walked out when confronted with so much new material. DHK says Rundgren filled one of the remaining slots with a cover of Red Rider 's "Lunatic Fringe." Tom doesn't believe it, but DHK swears to God-os. (AP Mike momentarily throws Tom by doing a little Riverdance.) Tom doesn't approve of Rundgren's decision to give his fans the complete journey of an album that came out two weeks ago on TR Records. DHK says he also covered The Call 's 1983 hit "The Walls Came Down." Tom thinks it's absurd that the audience only got five Rundgren classics, unless he also threw in his take on "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. DHK says he resisted the temptation to yell a request for "I Ran (So Far Away)" by Flock of Seagulls-os.
He reports that the odd setlist did include an incredible rendition of "Couldn't I Just Tell You." He says he was fine with not getting "Hello It's Me," but he sensed that many fans were frustrated by the omission. Tom can't imagine who would want to hear that one. DHK points out that he was probably more forgiving because it was free for him. Tom says he still would have asked for a face-value refund. DHK says he tried to give a PBR shoutout during a break because he knew that Rundgren was in talks about a potential deal with Wawa Records before it folded. He also reveals that Rundgren's bass player for the tour is Rachel Haden, who is Petra Haden's sister. The latter Haden became a part of Best Show lore last November when she joined complicated drummer Jens Hannemann and Saturday Night Live's Fred Armisen in the studio. Haden audibly disapproved of Laurie from Miami's attempt to get Armisen to name the worst SNL hosts during his run.
DHK says the musical fun continued tonight with Emma from Knoxville's choral concert, and tomorrow night Randy Newman stumbles into town. He knows that Newman is not one of Tom's favorite artists. Tom wonders if he's going to the Newman show to honor a lost bet. DHK says that an old friend's 50th birthday present was tickets for him and his wife. Tom asks DHK if Newman will perform the song where he throws the N-word around like it's going out of style. DHK says Newman skipped it the previous times he's seen him. He suspects that hip-hop mogul Jay-Z now has ownership of the N-word. Tom confirms that he purchased the exclusive rights. He also wishes DHK a belated Happy Birthday. DHK reminds him that he called in late July while in the throes of depression about hitting the half-century mark. As it turned out, the existential crisis was perfectly timed because Dr. Fred Meyers had just started his "Couch Talk" segment. Meyers prescribed his forthcoming self-help memoir, He At My Fudge: In the Psycho Trenches with the Unfixables, as the best remedy for his malaise.
Tom knows that DHK will have fun at the Newman show, especially if he does songs from Toy Story and Mulan . DHK says recent reviews warned that Newman is performing every song from his new album, Harps and Angels. Tom is pleased to hear that Newman is going toe-to-toe with Rundgren in the quest to give fans what they don't want. However, Tom can't even think of three songs he'd want to hear from Newman's back catalog. DHK starts to come up with some, but Mike alerts Tom to an urgent, Five-Alarm Call on Line 3.
- Frank from Weehawken calls to generate some advance buzz on Tom's choice of 2008 Halloween treats for the Newbridge tricksters. Tom is still undecided on this important decision. He says previous Scharpling offerings have included candy. Frank wonders if Tom's moneyed status allows him to dole out full-size bars instead of the fun-size companions. Tom says he wraps King-Size Snickers bars in $20 bills. He gives Frank the Heave Ho for mentioning his finances-os.
- A caller launches into some guttural orchestration that leads to an abridged adaptation of the exciting theme from Rocky (or, if you prefer, Rambocky): "Gonna rule youse, gonna school youse, gonna be your mayor now, won't be long now, gonna ruuuule, gonna ruuuuuule, yoooooooouse." Tom manages to quickly identify the caller as Philly Boy Roy based on this very familiar piece . PBR is surprised that Tom was able to get it this time. He says his new name is It's Your New Mayor. Tom informs him that the election doesn't end until next week and urges everyone to keep voting on the FOT message board.
PBR dismisses the remaining tallies as a mere formalicy en route to his electoral triumph. Tom says that PBR is currently in the lead, but anything is possible in the crucial final days. (In Philadelphia political circles, a last-minute swing is known as "The Rizzo Effect". In a nutshell, foot soldiers invade key districts the night before the election, beat opposition party voters with steakchuks, and then trap them inside Charles Chips canisters until Thanksgiving.) PBR is certain that he will get crowned. Tom doesn't think the Newbridge mayor actually receives a crown, but PBR assumed that he'd get to wear the same regal headgear as Joe Bi-den. Tom says that Biden doesn't wear a crown. After PBR references King Bi-den, Tom realizes that he's confusing the Democratic V.P. nominee with a famous cereal monarch, much like Todd Palin did last week. PBR thinks this indicates that Tom is surrounded by cool people. Tom prefers to count Ziegler and Palin as "like-minded" colleagues.
Speaking of cool people, PBR announces that he's going to talk about himself. He giggles about his clever, self-absorbed segue. PBR asks Tom if he heard about what he did this past Saturday noight at the Philadelphia Flyers's home opener. Tom is not aware of his antics. PBR says he joined the chorus of fans booing that Palin chick. Tom assumes that he booed the mavericky Hockey Mom as she ceremonially dropped the first puck. However, PBR says he let Sarah off the hook because they are former lovers. Tom thinks it's a disgusting union that's probably exaggerated, if not an outright lie. PBR says they were "Window Lovers." Tom points out this one-way relationship entailed PBR peeping at Palin through her bedroom window while she disrobed. PBR says he was also doing something down below. Tom wants him to stop. PBR says he did stop his act when Palin shooed him off her property. He then picked things back up later and finished the deed. Tom doesn't enjoy the conclusion to this sordid tale. PBR prohibits Tom from judging him for the delayed gratification and affirms his right to issue judgment on any of Tom's transgressions.
He says the Flyers faithful's wrath was reserved for Sarah's seven-year-old daughter, Piper. While Philadelphia sports fans have a reputation for being particularly uncouth, Tom is still surprised that they went after a child. PBR says that Piper rubs him the wrong way. In fact, he dislikes her so much that he was whipping stuff at her from his perch in the top box/sniper's nest at the Wachovia Center. Tom thinks this was a horrible attack. PBR giggles at the memory of his assault. Since Piper is a kid he opted for 9-volt batteries wrapped inside marshmallow PEEPS®. Tom still denounces the projectile despite the duck-based cushioning. PBR says he didn't really connect much on his target beyond one strike to the knee. Tom thinks it's horrible, but PBR is convinced that Tom loves what he did. PBR says his outburst follows the rich tradition of booing Philadelphia sports stars, such as Phillies sluggers Mike Schmidt and Greg Luzinski, and longtime Iggles wideout Harold Carmichael. He even booed Pope John Paul II during his U.S tour back in October 1979.
PBR says the Polish pontiff also rubbed him the wrong way when he stopped to give a speech on Ben Franklin Parkway. He went down to the event with Lonnie and Wheels to sell stolen beers to the throngs of worshippers. Tom doubts that these potential customers were primed for a buzz. PBR says they couldn't move any product because it was too early (~2 p.m.) in the afternoon for drinking. Tom says that alcohol sales at any hour would be extremely sluggish in an audience for the Pope. After PBR and his buddies found out it was a dry crowd, they knew there was only one thing they could do: drop. Tom is confused about what that means. PBR clarifies that they decided to drop acid and calls Tom a psychadummy for noting knowing the lingo. He doesn't think it sounds like Tom spends much time cracking blotters. Tom says he's proud not to be an expert on psychotropic narcotics.
PBR believes that everyone should try acid at least once. He imparts this questionable advice to Roy, Jr., Rhoda, Jr., and even Little Royda. Tom thinks it's terrible for a parent to promote drug experimentation to their children. PBR says it's valuable because acid can help shape their nascent worldviews into something like GWB's The Bush Doctrine, the collection of principles that fuel his aggro, pre-emptive foreign policy initiatives. He praises Sarah Palin for really handing it to interviewer Charlie Rose when he quizzed her about TBD. PBR thinks her "in what regard, Charlie?" retort really served it right back at him. Tom say he would not consider the redirect a proper "serving."
PBR jumps ahead to an incident that occurred an hour into the Pope's mast. Tom says it's mass. PBR calls Tom a dummy for claiming the Pope was speaking in Massachusetts instead of Pennsylvania. Tom explains that the correct term for this Catholic liturgical service is m-a-s-s. PBR insists that it's m-a-s-t, but he ultimately agrees to disagree on the disputed letter. He says that in the middle of the sermon the Pope glared angrily at him. PBR reacted with a "wuuut, I didn't do nothin'," and then he distinctly heard the Pope say the following: "Dadonnos Diablos Phillos Boyos Royos." Tom has no idea what that means. PBR says he's positive it translates into "The Devil is Philly Boy Roy." Tom points out that PBR is just tacking an "-os" to the end of words instead of reciting proper Latin. PBR says he's not-os. He was, however, scared-os after the Pope singled him out. Tom asks him to stop creating fake Latin words. PBR says he's not doing that-os. Tom begs him to stop doing what he claims he's not doing. PBR says he feared the Pope was going to reach out and damn him to Hell-os.
Tom makes another request for PBR to discontinue the "-os" at the end of his statements. PBR says he's not doing nothing-os, but then admits that he can't stop doing that-os. He laughs at his Latinate lunacy, and Tom repeats that it's not Latin. PBR says it sure is-os. Tom asks him to stop for the fourth time. PBR initially refuses, but he says he's just kidding ... os. He asks Tom if he wants him to stop. Tom, of course, says yes, and PBR says okay ........................ os. Tom knew he wasn't done yet. PBR giggles and bets that Tom had no idea he knew Latin. Tom tells him that he doesn't know it.
PBR says that after he got over the Pope's apparent damnation, he, Lonny, and Wheels bailed on the boring mast and headed to the Mann Music Center to whip Litter River Band fans. He says the trio anchored the Roxboro High Whipmarks squad, finishing third in regionals. Tom is surprised that whipping was a competitive high school sport. PBR says it was only sanctioned for the 1979 season. Tom thinks it's horrible that unsuspecting LRB fans were harassed while trying to enjoy a show. PBR says the dummies deserved to be punished for liking a band that s-ucked.
PBR returns to the topic of Congresswoman Palin, and Tom informs him that she has risen to the position of Governor. PBR is proud of her accomplishment and wishes he stuck with the rising star. He reminds Tom that they were once lovers. Tom begs him not to repeat the details of their window tryst. PBR says okay ... os and erupts with laughter at his latest resurrection of the dead language. Tom says it's not Latin, but PBR thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done. Tom pauses for the "-os" capper, but it doesn't follow. PBR then throws one in after the fact. He asks Tom if he correctly heard that the First Dunce entered the mayubernatorial race. Tom confirms that Todd Palin is on the ballot. PBR says he doesn't like that one bit. Tom points out that Palin has been getting a lot of votes in the past week, but it's likely too little too late. PBR is relieved because nobody wants Palin to run the show. Tom wonders why he'd be such a poor choice for Newbridge. PBR says he appears to suffer from Assburger's syndrome. Tom says he will let that one slide. He can't flag every error in his finite airtime. PBR takes a quick break to belch, the aftereffect of consuming a big hoagie. Tom thinks it's a disgusting interlude.
PBR says he and Todd once shared a floight in a Piper Cup during the fateful moose killing expedition in Alaska. Tom says the small aircraft is called a Piper Cub. PBR concludes that Tom is an aerodummy who doesn't crack many flight plans. He says that Todd got mad at him for repeatedly rocking the plane back and forth during their trip. PBR thought it was funny, but Tom disagrees. PBR says it was kind of funny until they almost crashed. Tom is not surprised that the turbulence interfered with the integrity of the PC. PBR apologizes for not knowing that he was talking to Howard Hubert, famed aviator and inventor of the Moose Goose. He ultimately just told his concerned co-pilot to Todd-off. Tom asks him if this passed as a legitimate zinger. PBR says he wasn't as advanced with his quips back then. He would now opt for something more emphatic and Latin: "Todd-off ... os." Tom concedes that PBR got him again.
PBR mentions that he's been praying for the Phillies, who are now one game away from finishing off the Dodgers in the NLCS to advance to the World Series for the first time in 15 years. He says that he hasn't been this excited since the time he was elected Mayor of Newbridge next week. Tom notices some odd tense choices. PBR informs him that he can see into the future like he's clairvoyant. Tom is baffled by the claim. PBR explains that he has the same skills as Claire Voyant, the first person to see into the future back in the 1960s. He calls Tom a Nostradummy for not knowing this seminal soothsayer. PBR pins the Phillies's Game 3 loss on the f'd up atmosphere out in Weird-O-Wood. He says the players had difficultly concentrating while surrounded by all the starlets and playas in a city that is like Philadelphia x2.
Tom questions that W-O-W only offers double the star power of its east coast counterpart. PBR asks Tom if he's ever heard of M. Night and M. Morning Shyamalan. Tom is familiar with these filmmaking brothers. PBR says he's mad at them for refusing to give him any candy when he visited during the early trick-or-treating period. Tom agrees with their decision because PBR is an adult. PBR says the Shyamalan clan also pointed out that it was August. Tom doesn't think a 40-year-old should be t-o-t-ing at all. PBR thought M. Night would appreciate his costume: the wall in The Village. However, he suspects that Night didn't even recognize it because he disguised himself by holding a single brick that he picked up in the front yard. PBR thinks the MNS monogram on the bricks are evidence that Night is a total mellomaniac. Tom is glad that Night withheld treats. PBR says he also declined to autograph his copy of The Man Who Heard Voices. Tom points out that the book is not a flattering portrait. PBR says it's about how Night steadily blew it post-The Sixth Sense. Tom wonders who would sign such a book. PBR compares it to his ill-advised attempt to get Priscilla Presley to sign Elvis: What Happened?. Tom sides with Presley because the book is a hatchet job on her late-husband.
PBR says he also struck out with Jeff Tweedy when he presented him with Wilco: What Happened?. Tom didn't know this book existed. PBR says he wrote it despite not being an authority on the band. He liked their name and just made up stuff about them. PBR approached the frontman last month when Wilco played the Tower Theatre. Tom is not shocked that Tweedy refused to sign the ill-informed tome. PBR confirms that the book takes a negative view of the band, but Tom suggests that it would be hard to even assess it because the content is pure fontasy. PBR says that Tweedy read the first couple of pages, and he was most upset that PBR spelled his last name like the cartoon bird.
When PBR flew to the west coast to be with the Phillies he got detained at LAX for carrying a sword. Tom asks him why he had such a weapon. PBR says it was for protection from certain people who want to get him from his short tenure running Wawa Records & Filmed Entertainment. Tom wants to know some of the enemies who are looking to settle scores. PBR says most of them are exotic dancers. Tom wonders why they would be mad at a record label executive. PBR explains that he used to go to exotic dancing parlors several times a day. Tom notes the gentlemanly term for these establishments. PBR thinks it's appropriate because they are gentlemen's clubs that can't help it if some of their employees work bottomless. Tom thinks the lack of bottoms is disgusting. PBR says the dancers are mad at him for his tipping policy. Tom expresses his disinterest in what PBR does at these parlors. PBR says he doesn't tip nobody nowhere and warns the waitrons of Newbridge to get used to it once he arrives in town. He also unveils his plan to change its name to NewPhiladelphiabridge ... os. Tom congratulates him on sneaking another one in. PBR vows to rule with an iron hoagie. He advises citizens to button down the hatchets.
Tom says he will wait to see what happens next week. PBR can't imagine that people are going to vote for Mike, who has dropped into third place. Tom attributes the freefall to a couple of bad days on the campaign trail. PBR thinks it will only get worse. Tom heard that Mike was wearing his Nazi uniform from Schnell during meet-and-greets with voters. PBR asks Tom if Mike told him what was on his breath: al-co-hol. Tom says there are some reports that Mike was also burning second-place candidate Marky Ramone in effigy. PBR says Mark just don't like that. While one might think that Mark would find it funny, he just got madder and madder and madder. Tom says it seems like escalating levels of anger is a common thread for The Ramones. PBR says those guys were awful. Tom also got the sense that they were not the most pleasant guys on Earth. PBR says they would whip each other, although they never matched the brutality of Yes.
He tells Tom that he'll be able to read all about Mike's collapse when his new tell-all book, Mike: What Happened?, comes out next week. Tom is impressed that PBR has become such a prolific author. PBR says his publisher, Roy, Jr. Publications, loves it. Tom doesn't even know what to say about this indie imprint. PBR says there's not a lot to say except for this: "Gonna rule youse, gonna school youse, gonna be your maaayor, yeah, yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah ... os." He hangs up.
- Julie from Cincinnati says it's hard to vote for AP Mike when PBR is also running. Tom understands the difficult decisions that voters are facing in the 2008 election cycle. He also has another important issue to discuss with JfC. Tom says it pains him to have to bring it up, and JfC thinks he may be confusing her with someone else. Tom previously requested that JfC -- and all other FOTs -- refrain from harassing Andy Cohen and Frangry, the hosts of WFMU's new civilized talker, Shut Up, Weirdo. However, JfC called multiple times this past Friday during their official debut. JfC says she kept getting disconnected from her non-prank appearances. She begs Tom not to ban her for the uncivil disobedience and offers him $1 million to remain in good standing.
Tom announces that he is trading JfC to SUW for one month. If he uncloaks any other FOTs lurking in the SUW shadows, they will be similarly reassigned. The bottom line: Tom doesn't want to help sink a rookie show. JfC says she just called to find out more about it. Tom wishes there was a way for someone to learn about a radio show just by listening to it. JfC explains that the listening experience was too horrible without active participation. Tom will not besmirch the tyro hosts because he knows it's hard to launch a new program on the station. He toiled in the trenches for years under attack from frangry listeners who loathed his stinky, non-music-based format. And now eight years later The Kid is the Belle of the Ball. JfC says she never told them that they stunk.
In recent weeks Tom asked Cohen and/or Frangry to call his show to introduce themselves, but they did not honor his requests. He accepts this as their prerogative and hopes they produce the most successful show in the history of WFMU. JfC asks if she can return to the TBS fold after her (well-behaved) month in exile. Tom says that she can ............. not. He gives her the Heeeeeeave Ho. Tom says he got sick to his stomach while hearing people stick it to the poor slobs during their inaugural hour. He points out that the callers are like animals who must be whipped into shape. (Sounds like Cohen/Frangry should contact Rod Langstrom!) Tom says that he could give the SUW duo advice to get things running like a Swiss watch, if they just asked.
- Spike returns to tell Tom that he won money during a recent trip to AC. Tom asks him whose car he broke into for the cash prize. Spike says that he used the slot machines at the casinos. Tom stops the clock to hear more about his legal good fortune. Spike says he won $310.00 at Bally's after coming up empty at his first two stops. Tom is startled by the amount. Spike wishes he won more. Tom wonders if he just put it all on the line and then watched the machines go crazy. Spike says it went down something like that. Tom gives Spike more power for bringing down the house. He congratulates him and quickly dispenses with him until next week.
- Deb from Portland, OR, wonders why Roy, Jr. didn't attend the mast with a Pope Soap-on-a-Rope dangling from his neck. She recalls that this great novelty product was big in Phoenix at the time. Tom points out that Roy, Jr. wasn't even born in 1979. Deb thinks the elder Roy could have displayed the saponified Holiness instead. Tom gets rid of Deb and begins moaning about the wiggling being done where there is no room for it. He wants to gets things back on track because he's got famous people listening tonight. He's embarrassed about falling flat on his face during a showcase for the hotshots, make-or-breakers, and people who can pull the trigger on his career.
Tom sets the table for tonight's topic via last week's harrowing tale of his aborted Ferris wheel ride in AC. He thought it would be a fun way to spend a few spare minutes, but five seconds after liftoff he realized that he hates these wheels. When it looped back around Tom had to pretend that he got an incoming cell phone call and had to deboard the gondola to meet someone on terra firma. The truth was that he was reduced to a terrified shoegazer. Tom puts this ill-advised rotation near the top of his list of all-time saddest moments. He wants to catalog additional regrets in the following format: Oh, [insert name], What's Wrong With Me? Tom laments delivering a flop of a show instead of one that will put him on the entertainment map.
While he waits for the phone lines to heat up, he flips that flop with the can't-miss, fan-favorite segment featuring his young protégé and emerging online poet. Yes, it's time for another round of the H-Man's Facebook status updates.
1. The H-Man ... is under the weather, but is gonna try and take it easy the next few days 'till he goes home for the holiday.
2. The H-Man ... can't believe how fast the week's going. Well, it just means the 5-day weekend will be here sooner, so he's okay with it.
3. The H-Man ... has begun his long weekend: Pledge Bro birthday celebration today, then home tomorrow.
4. The H-Man ... says to everyone out there in Facebook land who's in some form of education: have a great weekend 'cause I sure will. 5 days to relax and enjoy family time.
5. The H-Man ... is so tired, but needs to get ready and get himself onto a bus home soon.
6. The H-Man ... says goodbye to Paul "Cool Hand Luke" Newman. Holy Moly. I'm in utter shock. Those blue eyes will never grace this Earth again.
7. The H-Man ... bought some Newman's Own Lime-Ade (which is delicious by the way, go try it sometime) in memory of the great Paul Newman. He's left quite a legacy. [Tom would have honored the legend with a screening, not a beverage, but he respects the H-Man's grieving process.]
8. The H-Man ... thinks 22 hours of no new status updates is enough. Had a nice night with the family, eating some nice food for the New Year.
9. The H-Man ... is back at school. Great family time, but now it's back to schoolwork. Well, at least tomorrow's Thursday, so it's closer to the weekend.
10. The H-Man ... can't believe it's already the weekend! Only one class today, so this day will be a nice and short one.
11. The H-Man ... is watching what he missed last night at the V.P. debates. 15 minutes in and it's already pretty one-sided. ["Edgy!" - Tom]
12. The H-Man ... is watching the debates from last night, eating, and then enjoying the night with some friends.
13. (10:00 a.m.) The H-Man ... is going to Rock the Vote today and finally getting registered. If you're in the area, you should come as well. There will be some bands playing.
14. (7:00 p.m.) The H-Man ... is now a registered voter in this college town. That's one more young college student eligible to vote.
15. The H-Man ... honestly wants to sleep as long as he can from tonight into tomorrow. That'd be just awesome.
16. The H-Man ... is not ready to celebrate Yom Kippur. That is all.
18. The H-Man ... thinks that Heroes Season 3 started off much better than the first two and is getting better by the episode.
19. The H-Man ... says today is gonna stink horribly. 8:00 a.m, 5 1/2-hour class followed by starting the night with Yom Kippur and faster for 24 hours.
20. The H-Man ... says he loves the new Weird Al single "Whatever You Like" based on the T.I. song.
21. The H-Man ... is going to enjoy tomorrow except for the fact he'll be reading The Godfather most of the day, and that's about it.
22. The H-Man ... is so glad he ate wings tonight to break the fast. So glad it's over.
23. The H-Man ... can't believe it's Friday! That day off makes today feel like a Monday.
24. The H-Man ... is going to see Spamalot with his grandma tomorrow. Looks to be a nice outing.
25. The H-Man ... is back from Spamalot and has to say he really enjoyed it except for some of the improvised pop culture references, which took him out of the moment.
26. The H-Man ... is so glad he went to the mall today. He got a pair of ECCO® shoes because the other ones he bought still hurt his feet. The new ones rock.
- Curtis in Austin says the the H-Man's status updates really make him long for the quieter times of his college days. Tom agrees that the H-Man is living the mellowest life on Earth. He and Curtis would trade places with him in a heartbeart. Curtis is especially intrigued by the prospects of rematriculation because he's staring down another evening of work that he couldn't bring himself to finish within standard business hours at the office. He says he can't seem to focus until he's under the gun of a pressing deadline. Tom thinks his undisciplined goofing off indicates a weak mind. He believes that Curtis
is a failed person has failings. Curtis admits that he often pays the price at night when he's chained to the computer at home after a day of M. Scott-ish comedy routines for his captive co-workers. He says he often does five minutes of work followed by lengthy sessions of staring at his e-mail in-box. Tom has some tips to overcome this problem:
1. Shut off the Internet on work PC, which is not an E-mail Machine.
2. Maintain a clean workspace (check)
3. Place an egg-timer on clean workspace and say the following: "Curtis, you failure, you loser, you've disappointed me. You've been nothing but a disappointment so many times I can't even count that high. I'm going to set this egg-timer for one hour, and I'm going to work nonstop for that hour."
Tom predicts that Curtis will then marvel at how much work he gets done when applying this official "Scharpling Method." Curtis promises to put it into practice.
- The talented ar-tist Scott T contributes to the topic with an embarrassing event that he still reflects on 6+ years later. Before setting the scene he gives Tom a key bit of background information: he was a total spazz in high school. Scott says that his impulsiveness led to a lot of crazy behavior sans thinking and consequent trouble. After moving from Wisconsin to New York Scott got a real job and a girlfriend he really liked. He thought he had progressed to relative stability. Not really.
He assembled the new-ish girlfriend (unaware of his spazzy past) and two older friends (well aware) for an apple picking jaunt on a crisp fall day. The quartet spent a couple of hours picking beautiful, perfect fruit with none of the blemishes of grocery store produce. When they were on the checkout line to get their paper bags of apples weighed for purchase something came over Scott. He began swinging his bag by the handle to show ("Watch this!") that the apples would remain in place during their orbit. The handle snapped off, and the apples struck bystanders before crashing on the dirt below. Scott says his friends were silently embarrassed for him. He then sheepishly picked up the once-perfect harvest as he wondered what was wrong with him. Scott says he had not indulged in any kooky behavior in a long time prior to this episode. Tom notes that this is what happens when you seek attention from your peers. Scott still isn't sure if he was driven to impress his girlfriend with this flight of fancy or convince his friends that he had retained the crazy rhythms of his youth. He still thinks about this moment when he gets the urges. Tom salutes him for learning his lesson.
- Kayla from Portland, OR, calls amidst a flurry of background giggling that is usually a bad sign. She assures Tom that it's just the innocent chirps of her roommate and a friend getting swept up in her excitement about calling The Best Show. Kayla says that she'll often wander aimlessly through the day and then remember at bedtime that she had to do laundry, organize stuff, or complete a paper due the next day. Tom understands the concept of how an unstructured day can haunt you at night. He thanks Kayla for the call, but he doesn't trust her to remain on the air.
- Tim from Elizabeth is kinda calling in for the topic and definitely using an affected voice. Tom feels like he's talking to George F. Will or William F. Buckley. He's not in the mood for conservative commentary, so he issues a Heave-uh Ho-uh to the little creep-uh for using a fake adult voice-uh. Tom wonders if Tim was doing a test run of his WFB Halloween transformation.
- Ron from Boston sounds much more focused on business and wants to ask Tom a few questions in service of the topic. Tom reluctantly grants the interview, but then dumps the dummy for trying to do his own show. He is not shocked that this dimwit lives in Boston.
- Erin from Portland, ME, says she's stuck in a perpetual moment of possible regret about her bumper stickers. She puts a lot of time and consideration into her choices, but whenever she sees other cars displaying lame stickers at weird angles she questions her artful approach. Tom asks for an example, and Erin mentions a Best Show sticker, which she doesn't regret. She then lapses into toiletmouth while attempting to reveal some of her problematic vehicular decor. Tom wonders if this behavior is typical of the way children are raised in Maine. He wishes he had 800 more H-Man Facebook updates to fill out the rest of the show. Tom fills the void with an e-mail alert from a guy in tonight's Smash or Trash band. In a nutshell, the chosen song has a curse in it. Tom wonders if he's oblivious to the material due to hanging out in the back playing the kungas.
- Jim from Stony Point, NY, former motormouth and current Corporal in the Best Show World Domination Scheme: Phase 1, calls with a meta comment on tonight's program. He thinks it's further evidence that this truly is the call-in show promoting civility. Jim cites Tom's generous efforts to help Curtis improve his time management skills and to reduce Scott T's urges to act out, followed by dealing with a clown faking a Leo Gorcey accent. Tom appreciates Jim's encouraging words. Jim doubts that Tim was actually from Elizabeth, and Tom thinks that any legit resident should be horrified to hear that dead-end twerp pretending to be from their fair city. Jim says he just wanted to put in his two cents from out in the 90.1. Tom thanks him for being a class act. He wishes there was another competing Presidential debate to weed out the mutants.
- Matt in Virginia calls with a story that would certainly provoke the wrath of Trivius. During his last semester of college he had a great professor that all the students wanted to impress. After the final presentation the professor took the class out for drinks to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and urged everyone around the table to go next Friday to see one of the people who made rock 'n roll. Matt says that he's often compelled to be the know-it-all who chimes in first in group settings, so he blurted out "Al Jolson?!" Tom laughs at the misfire. Matt was mortified before his lips closed. The correct answer was pioneering guitarist Chuck Berry. Matt says he was not trying to be funny, nor can he explain why the creep who performed in blackface in The Jazz Singer popped into his head.
Tom suspects he was just trying to trot out someone old. Matt says everyone looked at him with pity and alarm after he went with Jolson. Tom thinks that Matt just has to own it and then move on. Matt says that he's been trying for 10 years. Tom gives him permission to let it go because it's not his fault not his fault not his fault not his fault not his fault not his fault. He hails Matt as a future Quality Caller who could even teach Mike some new tricks. Tom says that Mike was creeping him out before the show with a lot of weird conversation during their 9-second/12-foot elevator ride up to the studio. He felt like he was in jury duty waiting for the door to open.
- Erin from ME apologizes for cursing or not cursing on the show. She's not sure what she did or didn't do, but it could be the result of living in isolation. Tom wants to know what's wrong with her. She explains that she's originally from NYC and headed north during the mass exodus to ME. Tom gives her the Heave Ho because he doesn't care. He won't entertain toiletmouth stories on the radio.
- Deb from Portland, OR, returns to accuse Tom of a.) ka
bvetchin' a little bit and b.) not playing any anything from The Breakfast Club OST underneath per his recent kavetch-for-duration-of-1980s-hit policy. Tom give her the Heave Ho for putting him under the microscope and murdering the Hebrew language.
- QC Samir from Florida is confident that the state will go the right way this year since the severity of the housing market downturn is benefitting Obama. Tom reports that Yahoo!'s (possibly weird) electoral map has Obama leading 50-45. Samir hopes that election officials will not misplace thousands of blue ballots. Tom knows that Obama will win because people are actually into his candidacy. He doesn't think there are 15 people in the country who voted for the uninspiring John Kerry in 2004. However, Kerry would have crossed the 270 EC threshold if he pulled out Ohio. Tom points out that all Obama has to do is hold the Kerry states and win one more -- Florida, Ohio, a NC/NM combo, etc. Samir says the McLame campaign is helping the cause by hilariously imploding every day.
Tom mentions that Mike has been lecturing him about McLame being the right man for the job. He claimed that McLame was younger than Obama and refused to back down on that fact-deprived position. Mike pointed Tom to a website that listed the candidate's ages. Tom says it was a slow-loading, pop-up-laden AOL / Geocities / Angelfire page similar to Stephen Glass's mock-up for Jukt Micronics. Mike believed it was a page on the CNN website. Tom realizes that he has to replace Mike because he feels like a salmon swimming upstream against the belligerent tide. Samir wonders if Mike would leave his post if he won the Mayubernatorial race next week. Tom considers doing some Joe Kennedy-style polling fixing to ensure Mike's imminent exit. Samir invites Tom to Florida, a hotbed for voting irregularities, to collect some stray hanging chads.
And so Samir really enjoys watching perfectly awful comedies, particularly the work of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, creators of atrocities like Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Epic Movie . He admits to watching them on DVD even though he knows they will not be good. Samir says he simply can't resist the horrible glee he gets from the complete lack of funny. He felt particularly terrible after a screening of Meet the Spartans because he recognized a joke the duo had used in a prior film. Samir says he didn't know what was worse: F&S plundering of their own oeuvre or the fact that he was keeping closer tabs on their work then they were. He was not proud of himself, but he'll watch all their future releases. Samir, what is wrong with you?
- Frederick's of New Port Ridgey calls to find out how he can rally the troops as part of the Southern strategy of TBSWDS:P1. Tom is not familiar with this city. Frederick's says it's in Florida (just north of Tampa), the same state Shamir just called from. Tom informs Frederick's that he can't call from an obscure place like New Fort Reggie and assume that everyone knows about it. Frederick's argues that it's not a common name like Middletown, so if he says New Port Richie, it's gotta be Florida. Tom disagrees. Frederick's asks Tom to name a non-Florida NPR. Tom says that any port city has the potential for a New/Richey.
He directs Frederick's to make a sandwich board that reads "I LOVE THE BEST SHOW ON WFMU" and then roam around New Port Ridgeley, which is, of course, in Florida. Frederick's says he doesn't know any locals who are confused about their state. Tom asks Frederick's to confirm that all the residents of a Florida city know that they are in Florida. Frederick's says there is a sizable elderly population that probably forgets this several times a day. Tom gives him the Heave Ho for making fun of our Golden Citizens. He treasures the aged as the key to our future. Tom admits that he doesn't want to talk to any of these oldtimers, but he recommends that everyone else value the wisdom they can impart to younger generations. For example, they can explain that when they grew up everybody said that word. The bottom line: Tom will not stand for this Clark-y firebrand making sick jokes about the memory loss of olds.
- Laurie in Miami says she has never heard of New Port Richards, perhaps a fictional sister city to Port St. Lucie. Before proceeding to the topic Tom wants to get Laurie's take on McLame's new economic plan. He heard that after buying all of the foreclosed houses McLame promised to put all of America's money into a passbook as part of a Federal Christmas Club. He would funnel $1 million into the account each week so everyone would have enough money to buy nice presents at the end of December. Tom says that McLame will also send every citizen a check for $5 on their birthday. Laurie says this stimulus plan is similar to one instituted by her grandmother.
Tom mentions his foray into political humor that's normally the domain of Bill Mah-her. Laurie says Doddy calls him May-har. Tom found himself inexplicably listening to Mah-her this morning on the Don Imus program. Laurie thinks the union of two so-called "rebels" is a real meeting of minds. Tom says he can't imagine sitting through Religulous with Mah-her lecturing him about how The Bible is just full of stories to keep people in line. Laurie says she used to think she was rebellious at age 16 when she would shove the same rhetoric in people's faces. Tom thinks Mah-her needs to get over himself and remove the giant potato in the middle of his face before judging others. Laurie also recommends not hanging out at the Playboy Mansion to woo girls half his age.
Tom's topical humor serves as the prefect lead-in to Laurie's
sort of extremely political topic entry. She wondered what was wrong with her after flushing away an entire afternoon watching YouTube clips of the McLame-Palin mobs. While one mob waited to get into a campaign rally they were riled up by the presence of Obama supporters on the opposite sidewalk. One M-P fossil called them commies and used a homophobic slur. Laurie says she couldn't stop watching the clips despite feeling angry and sad. She has been lucky not to encounter anyone calling Obama a terrorist during her phonebanking efforts. However, she does have a crazy, Seventh-day Adventist neighbor who claims that Obama pals around with the Antichrist. Tom wonders if Doddy can get her booted from the building. He asks Laurie if this person is employed as her housekeeper. Laurie says she is not on the payroll. She would often stop to chat with the woman while admiring the Jasmine tree in her front yard, but now she realizes that she's a little nuts and scary.
- Tom cuts Deb off for the night. He recommends a visit to the Poison Idea museum to fill the time.
- Matt calls from an unseasonably balmy Maspeth, Queens, NY, and Tom finds the detailed location unnecessary because he's not a pizza deliveryman. Matt doubts he can top the guy who thought Al Jolson invented rock music, but his entry is spiritually similar. While picking up a bagel and coffee at a deli he said, "Cool, thanks" upon receiving his change. The cashier gave him a weird look because this standard transaction is really not very cool. Matt says he then had a Memento moment where he recalled previous incidents of attributing coolness to getting a quarter and three pennies. Also not cool: Matt failing to play along with the "Oh, [X], WISWME?" tagline.
- Colin in Los Angeles has two options for the topic: one makes him sound crazy; the other is merely kooky. He decides to go full crazy, which is much safer than the dreaded full retard. Colin says that he legitimately worries that people are reading his mind. For example, he fears that people are judging him for thinking about something embarrassing or spinning a stupid song in his brainspace. Colin hopes that he's not really crazy because he knows this is crazy behavior. Tom thinks he's doing just great. (Tom can no longer visit Crazywood because of this particular Crazy.)
- Frank from Weehawken says he never gives money to homeless people, but in a moment of weakness he dropped a buck+ in an empty water jug. The next day he saw the same person talking on a cell phone and eating a huge sandwich while dumping the change into his pockets. Frank believes this is evidence of a ruse. Tom recommends donating to a charitable organization to compensate for this lack of street-level homelessdar. Frank thinks he needs to invest in a detection device for the upcoming holiday season.
Frank from Weehawken Saram in New Brunswick calls from a 1950s rotary phone. He asks Tom if he remembers how fun they were to dial. Tom doesn't remember because he's not 80. He and Saram do a brief dueling James Cagneys routine involving annoying dirty rats and a girl tied to the railroad tracks.
Saram reminds Tom that he called last week to convince him to attend the DC Snipers show this past Friday at Don Pedro's. Tom says he had flaw seats. Saram got stuck in the nosebleeds because he could only afford the $55 tickets. He then admits that he's actually Mickey Dolenz. The recent Hate Pit parolee thought the band was amazing. Tom says they hooked him up with a leak of their hott new album. Saram thinks it will soon be sold in real form, and Tom confirms that it will be available on the vinyl and CD formats. Saram hopes there will also be a CASSette version. Tom gives the little bird the Heave Ho for straying too far from the nest on that one.
- Tom nearly pulls the HH trigger on a caller for his enthusiastic "Hey" greeting, but it's actually the harmless veteran John JUNK from Los Angeles. His moment of critical introspection occurred when he ran into some weird-but-nice "characters" from a funny band (Chemical People?) he played with once. Junk says that while the band has a goofy charm, they are certainly not a must-see live act. In fact, he knew they had just played a show that he didn't attend. Junk, who had yet to consume any coffee, managed to make it through a normal conversation until one guy mentioned the previous night's show. The remark caused Junk's face to make weird expressions, and his voice followed with an "Ohhhhhhhhh, how was it?" in the elevated pitch of feigned ignorance. He melted under pressure, and the band members laughed at him for 30 seconds. Tom thanks him for the call.
- [Mutantes removed. Shameful and barge-worthy .]
- Tom discusses Ringo Starr's "serious message"/video meltdown in which he warned his fans with "peace and love" to stop sending fan mail and autograph requests to any address after 10/20/08. The former Beatles drummer is too busy to deal with the constant deluge of correspondence and intends to toss all objects postmarked after the deadline. Tom finds the clip by Goopling "Ringo Starr +
insane fans." As a longtime Beatles enthusiast, he loves Ringo, but he also believes this supposed fan fatigue is really just a way to free up more time to move the skids of Stop and Smell the Roses that are crowding his mansion and use the free WiFi at the new Panera Bread down the street. Tom wonders who would even want his signature.
He asks Mike if he thinks The Beatles would have reunited if Ringo was the only deceased member. Tom's verdict: Yes. He bets Paul, John, and George would have done "With A Little Help From My Friends" as a tribute to their departed buddy before launching the second phase of their career with Jim Keltner behind the kit. PFT defends Ringo via IM, citing a strain of OCD that compels him to sign anything he receives in the mail. He compares it to the leprechaun who shines every shoe thrown his way. Tom concludes that nobody would even notice if Ringo stopped the signing sessions. He mentions that nobody noticed or cared when the band plugged in Jimmy Nicol during part of the 1964 tour when Ringo was out with tonsillitis. He assumes that the average fan would consider sending him a 1965 ticket stub to be a shot in the dark. Tom plans to take Ringo up on his deal by sending him 10,000 envelope before the October 20th. He condemns the creep's actions. Tom later directs disgruntled fans to send their Ringo Starr pictures and other Beatles merch to PFT. I think it's safe to say that Bill from Consolidated Cardboard would pay top dollar for pieces that link the Fab Four to the Fab Comedian.
Tom actually thinks Ringo Starr & His All-Star Band could do shows sans Starr, as long as Howard Jones or the guy from Kajagoogoo were there to hold things down. He saw the first (and best) RS&HA-SB show, which should have been called Ringo Starr & His Musical Driftwood. The parade of wash-ups included Dr. John and
Three Dog NightGrand Funk Railroad's Mark Farner. Tom says the opening "It Don't Come Easy" yielded the excitement of seeing a live Beatle, but it quickly faded as soon as Dr. John started banging on the keys for "Right Place Wrong Time." He realized that he was in the wrong place: the Ringo Starr show. Tom was, however, spared the Sheila E and Slim Jim Phantom showcases that marred subsequent editions.
- Patrick in Bushwick says he's amused by the idea that Ringo has been answering his own bloody fan mail for the past 40 years. He thinks that he made the public plea after deciding to terminate his paid staff. Tom attributes it to Ringo losing his marbles. He believes Ringo could easily set aside a small amount of time to sift through it all.
- Mike from Summit 07091 is very upset about the shattering of Ringo's image as a good-natured fella. He saw Ringo Starr & His Musical Driftwood earlier this year at the PNC Bank Arts Center with a lineup that had devolved to include the likes of Hamis Stuart from Average White Band and Gary "Dream Weaver" Wright. Tom heard that Ringo inserts a "No Refund" disclaimer into his performances of "It Don't Come Easy" to thwart the inevitable post-show ticket counter rush. Mike says he doesn't like getting teased with two Beatles songs before enduring a 10-minute Sheila E drum solo. He thought that Ringo looked drunk on the video, but Tom interpreted it as insanity. He reviews a list of the various lineups so he can chart the downfall of these not-so-All-Star debacles.
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Joe Walsh - guitar, vocals
- Nils Lofgren - guitar, vocals
- Dr. John - keyboards, vocals
- Billy Preston - keyboards, vocals
- Rick Danko - bass, vocals
- Levon Helm - drums, vocals
- Jim Keltner - drums
- Clarence Clemons - saxophone, vocals
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Joe Walsh - guitar, vocals
- Nils Lofgren - guitar, vocals
- Todd Rundgren - guitar, vocals
- Dave Edmunds - guitar, vocals
- Burton Cummings - keyboards, vocals
- Timothy B. Schmit - bass, vocals
- Zak Starkey - drums
- Timmy Cappello - saxophone
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Randy Bachman - guitar, vocals
- Mark Farner - guitar, vocals
- Billy Preston - keyboards, vocals
- Felix Cavaliere - keyboards, vocals
- John Entwistle - bass, vocals
- Zak Starkey - drums
- Mark Rivera - saxophone
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Peter Frampton - guitar, vocals
- Gary Brooker - keyboards, vocals
- Jack Bruce - bass, vocals
- Simon Kirke - drums
- Mark Rivera - saxophone
*lean and mean!
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Roger Hodgson - guitar, keyboards, vocals
- Ian Hunter - guitar, keyboards, vocals
- Howard Jones - keyboards, guitar, vocals
- Greg Lake - bass, vocals
- Sheila E. - drums, vocals
- Mark Rivera - saxophone
- Ringo Starr - drums, vocals
- Colin Hay - guitar, vocals
- Paul Carrack - keyboards, vocals
- John Waite - bass, vocals
- Sheila E. - drums, vocals
- Mark Rivera - saxophone
The bottom line: Peace, love, and no refunds.
- Cotton calls to find out if Ringo actually drums during these shows. Tom says that he plays a little bit before moving up front. Cotton says it would be a travesty if anyone paid just to hear him sing. A cackling Mike points out that Tom did not cotton to that call from Cotton.
[Tom v. Papa Roach TK]
[Smash or Trash with Bucks and Gallants TK]