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The Unfixables.

"Uh, maybe you've heard of The Battle of Shaker Heights? Anyone? Hello?" - Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on the early Shia LaBoof classic

[More to come.]

"I want you to think about Dogmo before you say anything else you might regret at some point, okay?" -- Dr. Fred Meyers, urging caution as Tom enters his Joyspace
"And this Gabby from Winnipeg? You just let her go like the instant she didn't fit your needs. This is terrible." -- Dr. Meyers, discovering that Tom is not making good progress
"This isn't about that doctor-patient privilege thing, is it?" -- Dr. Meyers, wondering if Tom is concerned about the common law jurisdiction that expires after retirement
"Instead of trying to slash your brother's face with a steak knife, I want you to transmute those feelings of absolute hatred into feelings of absolute pleasure, okay?" -- Dr. Meyers, asking Tom to draw on his newfound tools to avoid the violence of the fudge-fueled, blind rage of his youth
"You know how you're afraid of using public restrooms? Well, he's afraid of using any restroom." -- Dr. Meyers, revealing the affliction of Bryan Jenkins, his former Wednesday 2:30
"Lots of real men have high voices. I just can't think of any of them right now." -- Dr. Meyers, trying to let Tom know that he doesn't have to use a voice modulator
"Well, I did my best. I can't help it if they're completely deranged." -- Dr. Meyers, leaving his unfixable customers to fend for themselves in the psycho trenches
"I'M NOT GOING TO CLOSE MY EYES!" -- Tom, informing his former therapist that he will not go under hypnosis on live radio
"I'm dialing Officer Harrups right now. I'm gonna tell him that you once confessed to killing a migrant work out at Newbridge Farms just to see what it would feel like. They never found the body." -- Dr. Meyers, threatening payback for Tom's refusal to give him Dr. J's phone number
"I think Tom's former shrink needs one himself. That guy was bloody nuts." -- Spike, making a very lucid point on the FOT Board, 8/1/2008

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 7/29/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]


Guided By Voices - "A Visit To The Creep Doctor"

( Click here to buy Sandbox)

The Fastbacks - "Fortune's Misery"

( Click here to buy New Mansions In Sound)

Sebadoh - "Sister"

( Click here to buy the Bubble & Scrape reissue)

Ponytail - "Sky Drool"

( Click here to buy Ice Cream Spiritual!)

Sic Alps - "Message From The Law"

( Click here to buy A Long Way Around To A Shortcut)

Julie Ocean - "At The Appointed Hour"

( Click here to buy Long Gone and Nearly There)

Wednesday Week - "Perspective"

( Click here to buy the What We Had reissue)

Biff Bang Pow! - "Wouldn't You"

( Click here to buy Waterbomb - The Best Of Biff Bang Pow!)


Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:


- Ryan from Lynchburg wins Tom's heart by asking how he's doing. If Tom owned a chocolate factory, he would give it to Ryan as a reward for the nice Charlie Bucket move. Sadly, the deal fizzles when Tom GOMPs him for not knowing who Charlie Bucket is.

As the theme music plays, host Tom Scharpling works himself up to deliver another Tuuuuesday night installment of mirth, music, and mayhem sponsored by the fine folks at Mennen. He prepares listeners for a packed show that will feature a special Comic-Con 2008 report filed by comedy celebrities Paul Scheer and Jason Woliner. The duo will call in seven minutes, so Tom takes the opportunity to chat with his good buddy.



- Spike offers his usual greeting and comes prepared with a question for Tom about Stinky LaBeef, the young man who was just arrested for drunk driving. Tom asks Spike who is IMing him in the background. Spike says it's the just the sound effects from the FOT Chat. Tom assumes that he still hasn't figured out how to disable that feature on his computer. Spike says he turned down the volume to eliminate the disruptive chimes. Tom asks Spike if he would like to emit any other unnecessary background noise before proceeding with his call. Spike assures Tom that everything is under control.

Tom informs Spike that he's referring to someone named Shia LaBoof. Spike says he had never heard of him before reading the stories about his Sunday night collision. Tom is surprised that Spike doesn't recall LaBoof's work in The Battle of Shaker Heights, the box-office smash spawned by the second season of the HBO reality skein, Project Greenlight. Spike has heard of the very-indie film, but he's never seen it. Tom mentions LaBoof's celebrated run on Even Stevens, but, as one might expect, Spike doesn't do "kiddie shows." Tom tries to make a connection by performing the beginning of the theme music from the Indiana Jones franchise. Spike has not seen any of the films, but he recognized the tune from a similar conversation he had a couple of days ago. Tom recommends Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull because Dr. Jones fights a maniac who goes on a killing spree. He thinks Spike will enjoy seeing the villain's makeshift, leathery visage fashioned from a deflated football with two eye-socket cutouts. Spike says that description sounds like half of the people he knows. Tom wishes that Tonight Show bandleader Kevin Eubanks was on hand to follow the quip with his vibratory, free-jazz rimshot.

Tom asks Spike if he's finally settled on his summer vacation plans. While D.C. and Chicago were on the short list, Spike is headed to Boston next month to visit friends. Tom announces that Boston drew the short straw, and Spike does not dispute the city's misfortune. Tom warns the people of Boston to brace for Spike's arrival. While he often criticizes the city for being overrun by sports-crazed creeps, he actually feels bad for them in this case. Spike legitimizes the Beantown fears by unleashing his evil laugh followed by a cough. He admits that he tends to get winded in his middle age. Tom wonders if Spike plans to catch a Red Sox game at Fenway when he's in town. Spike says he's not into professional spotes. He intends to make better use of his time by hanging out with friends and going to museums. Tom wonders if these people are aware that they are Spike's friends. Spike says he has a 25-year friendship with the wife of the couple he's visiting. Tom wants to make sure that it's always been a 100% reciprocal relationship devoid of any intimidation or weird blackmail. He suspects that Spike may be projecting his own thoughts onto someone he used to encounter while riding the elevator. Spike says he knows her from school.

Tom asks Spike if he will enjoy some good food and drink while on vacation. Spike says he plans to dine at Legal Sea Foods. Tom sarcastically suggests that the chain restaurant is an experience that's exclusive to the New England area. Spike says they also have some locations in New York. Tom changes the subject to find out if Spike has been calling any other radio shows. Spike says he spoke to Lynn Samuels yesterday during her program, which airs weekdays from 1-3 p.m. on Sirius Channel 146. Tom is pleased that Spike managed to sneak in a full plug. Spike says he never mentions The Best Show or any other shows during his brief airtime. Tom assumes that it's because Samuels gives him a quick hook, but Spike says he just makes his point and hangs up. He uses his real name when calling Samuels, and Tom doesn't even want to know what it is. He likes knowing Spike by his Best Show alias. Spike says he will never reveal his real name on these airwaves because it will take away from his mystique. Tom is glad to hear this.



Spike moves the topic back to Sleepy LaBeef to get some more information. Tom says he's an actor who had success as a child before graduating to more grown-up roles in recent years. Spike repeats that he's never heard of this guy. Tom GOMPs Spike for putting him through the ringer as though he was LaBoof's agent. He refuses to continue running the gauntlet to prove LaBoof's credentials to Spike. The bottom line: Tom doesn't care. He recommends that Spike research the actor by renting The Battle of Shaker Heights from Netlfix. Tom predicts that Spike will fall in love with LaBoof just like everyone else did back in 2003. He remembers the disappointment of waiting in line to see TBOSH when it came out in theaters. The theater manager was counting people down, and Tom just missed the cutoff. The manager assured Tom that he would be the first person allowed into the next showing. He then begged for permission to sit in the aisle, but it would be a fire hazard. Tom says he was even willing to settle for a soundless screening through the little window in the theater door. Alas, it was not meant to be.


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Scheer & Woliner Comic-Con Report & Much More to come! Cake vs. Pie! Ghost strombolis!



- Gabby from Winnipeg has some first-time caller nerves, so Tom tells her to relax. She wants to bring back the Cake vs. Pie topic because cake totally wins. She points out that not only is breakfast cake is an amazing treat, but nobody has ever heard of a wedding or birthday pie. Tom agrees. He asks Gabby if he ever told her about his landlord Stan (aka Kilroy). Gabby is not familiar with this man. Tom thanks her for a great call that was right on the money.

- Ryan from Minneapolis is here to say he's tired of all these pro-pie people. He just isn't a fan of pie because the crust really bothers him. Ryan says his favorite cake is chocolate with vanilla icing. Tom wants to know the last time he had a nice bit of choc-o-late cake. Ryan says it's been too long. Tom tells him to get some tonight at his favorite place, which is probably the gas station. Ryan says there's actually a co-op (short for "cooperation") across the street that has really good cake. Tom fears that they offer cakes loaded with raisins. Ryan hopes not. He says they have some decent gluten-free cakes. Tom believes that Ryan has earned a slice.



- A caller says that both pie and cake serve a valuable role in everyone's diet. Tom makes it clear that he's a fan of both desserts, but he just likes cake a little better. The caller thinks that's a great mindset and big progress. He was wondering if Tom could help him hear something by something called "Big Dippers." Tom assumes he's referring to Big Dipper. The caller suspects it is a rock group, and Tom mentions that their name is not plural. The caller writes down the correction. He says that he was curious to hear what Big Dipper sounded like after a friend of his was talking about them. Tom says they are one of his favorite groups, and the caller would love to hear a track. Tom says he'll try to play some if he has a music break later in the show. The caller seems disappointed that Tom is not fulfilling the request right now. Tom says he's in the middle of a call-in segment. The caller confuses Tom by telling him that there's no need for that tone. He thought it sounded like Tom was getting a bit riled. Tom says he's just not playing any music right now.

The caller wants the host to take several deep breaths and get inside his joyspace. He advises Tom to think about Dogmo before he says anything that he might later regret. Tom needs clarification on two things: what he's talking about and who he is. The caller identifies himself as Dr. Meyers. Tom is a bit startled by the reveal. He tells Meyers that he can't call him on the radio to talk about his dog. Meyers asks Tom if he's doing okay. Tom informs listeners that Meyers, who recently retired, was his therapist for the last couple of years. Meyers says he wanted to check out Tom's show because they had developed an obvious relationship during that time. He figured it was wrong to tune in while Tom was still a patient, and he hopes it's not too weird now. Tom says it's horribly weird. Meyers wants to know what's up with that guy Spike. Tom says he's just a regular caller. Meyers thinks Tom really lets him have it. Tom starts to explain that it's just part of an ongoing back-and-forth before realizing that he's not comfortable with the discussion. Meyers says he's also been exploring the Best Show archives, where he heard Tom give the same treatment to a bald guy named James.

Meyers thought they had really made progress, but it doesn't seem like it based on what he's heard of the show. For example, he noticed that Tom got rid of Gabby from Winnipeg as soon as she didn't fit his needs. Meyers thinks this is terrible. A flustered Tom says he is not presenting the show as something for Meyers to analyze, especially since he's now retired. Meyers asks Tom if this is all about that doctor-patient privilege thing. Tom confirms that he is in fact concerned about preserving the confidentiality of their private conversations. Meyers says that he's 99% positive that ends when the doctor retires. Tom is 100% positive that it doesn't end at that time. Meyers agrees to look it up later, but he's pretty sure he's right.

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Since he has a lot of extra time since his retirement, he'd really like to talk to Tom about his idea for basketball jerseys for pets. Meyers says he made a large note about it when Tom mentioned it six weeks ago. He is ready to invest in this great idea. Tom says he was just throwing it around as a loose concept. He was not ready to talk about it publicly on the radio, and he certainly wasn't soliciting capital from his therapist. Tom tells Meyers that he just committed a huge breach of territory. Meyers pauses for a few moments before asking Tom if he was thinking of freestanding stores or a Web-based operation. He believes that an online venture is way more accessible to potential consumers, but he's open to the possibility of something similar to the piercing pagoda at the mall. Tom says he thought it could start as a Web-based business, and Meyers thinks that's great. He writes it down and asks Tom if he had a designer in mind for his mini-apparel. Tom reiterates that it was just a loose concept that remains in the early stages of development. Meyers says that Rick, a patient who is off his rocker, might be a good pick. Tom says he's heard enough information about Rick. Meyers says it sounds like Tom is putting up his defenses. Tom agrees that he's defending himself. Meyers thinks this is a recurring problem, and he wants to reassure Tom that it's unnecessary because nobody is going to steal his Wacky Packages again.

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Tom asks Meyers to repeat his last comment. Meyers says he knows that the Wacky Package theft was a life-defining moment for him. Tom says it happened when he three years old. Meyers fingers Darren Ploppleton as the culprit, and he's impressed/mortified that Tom has maintained a relationship with his current Consolidated Cardboard co-worker. Tom says this is part of his effort to become a functional adult who is not stuck in the past. He then wonders why he's even engaging Meyers in a debate. Meyers is shocked that Tom made the relationship work because he always thought that he was scared of Ploppleton. He says that he would have cut Ploppleton loose many years ago if he pulled the same heist on him. Tom tells Meyers that he's scrambling his head. Myers correctly senses that Tom is getting mad. He thinks it's good for Tom to get back in touch with how he felt when he returned home from school to find his brother, Dom, eating all of his fudge. Tom admits that he was frustrated by the unpleasant discovery, but he points out that he was only seven at the time. Meyers thinks the difference is that Tom now has the tools required to deal with his blind rage. Tom objects to the way that Meyers characterizes his anger management issues. Meyers says he'd like Tom to transmute his feelings of absolute hatred into feelings of absolute pleasure instead of trying to slash his brother's face with a steak knife.

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Tom appears to be a bit dazed by the request. Myers once again wants Tom to retreat to his pleasure place, and he proceeds to set the idyllic scene. Tom is lying on the beach at Ship Bottom with Loni Anderson. Tom says he doesn't want to talk about this on live radio. Meyers argues that they've gone through this 100 times before, but Tom reminds him that all of the previous pleasure trips were booked in the privacy of his office. Meyers is clearly not phased by these objections. He says that Anderson is wearing a black bikini, which allows her skin to glisten in the sun. Burt Reynolds is nowhere to be found. The two of them are enjoying the handburgers they love so much. Meyers says it's absolutely fontastic, and Tom can't deny the fontasticness of what he just described.

Meyers is momentarily rattled ("Oh, rats!") when he drops his drink. Tom asks him what he's drinking, but Meyers says it's none of his business. He appears to have a somewhat contentious exchange while asking for a replacement. Meyers ultimately instructs someone to "just get it." He informs Tom that he's having margaritas at Los Amigos, the popular Newbridge Commons watering hole. Tom says that he has a problem with Meyers telling him what is or isn't one's business because he's been broadcasting details of his personal life. Meyers, who wasn't even sure he was on the air, believes that it could be a blessing to get everything out in the open. Tom, however, is not pleased that Meyers is consuming alcohol while talking about their consultations. Meyers doesn't think it's a problem because he's older. Tom says he wasn't suggesting that the drinking was illegal, but he does think it's an impropriety in this scenario. Meyers reminds Tom that he's retired. He knows what Tom is trying to do, and Tom would like to hear him explain it.

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Meyers believes Tom is trying to turn the tables on him just like his old 2:30 p.m. appointment. He says that this guy, who came in after Tom on Wednesdays, had serious problems. Tom doesn't want to hear about them, but Meyers starts by mentioning Tom's fear of using public restrooms. Tom asks him to stop. Meyers says that this particular patient is afraid to use any restroom. He thinks it's insane that he waits until dark and goes in a pit he dug in his backyard. Tom believes that the outdoor lavatory is his own business, and he doesn't want to know anything more about it. Meyers wishes Tom and Bryan Jenkins all the best in overcoming their problems. Tom tells Meyers that he can't say a patient's full name on the radio. Meyers thinks he can say it because he's retired. Tom gets annoyed that he continues to trot out an excuse that simply doesn't track with any ethical standards or sense of reality. Meyers also wishes Jenkins the best in dealing with his fear of intimacy. Tom tells Meyers to stop saying his name and dragging another former patient into his madness. Meyers is surprised that Tom doesn't think he's helping his former patients. Tom is certain that his behavior is hurting them. Meyers says he thought Jenkins was making everything up just so he could talk to someone about it. He was similarly suspicious of Tom.

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Meyers recalls that Tom told him about his teenaged penchant for pretending to be the bassist in the Billy Joel band and then signing autographs for his cats. He says that he was almost certain that this was made up, but Tom says it was the truth. Meyers cites Tom's story about getting kicked off the White Tyger tour bus in his underwear as another possible fabrication. Tom says it happened. Meyers is surprised, and he confirms that Tom's father really does force him into a boxing match every Memorial Day. Tom says he doesn't want to talk about any of this on the radio. Meyers resumes the discussion of intimacy to find out if Tom ever hooked up with his Wednesday 12:30 -- the woman who always proceeded his appointment time. Tom says he did not, but Meyers did. Tom wants to know when, and Meyers suggests that an entire writing tablet is required to document the frequent sessions. He asks Tom if that is bad. Tom asks him if she was still his patient at the time of the encounters. Meyers wants him to define "patient." Tom says she was a patient if she was coming to him for therapy and paying for services rendered. Meyers says this was the case, and he actually still sees Sheila Larson on occasion. He thinks it's a good thing that he's retired. Tom reminds him that he's not above the law just because he's not an active therapist. Meyers says Larson was a real success story despite terrible self-esteem problems that were way worse than Tom's. Tom prefers not to talk about his self-esteem problems.

Meyers wants to quickly address what appears to be Tom's reliance on a voice modulator. Tom chuckles at yet another false accusation. Meyers says that he's told Tom many times that he did not have to use one of these devices. Tom says he doesn't use one. Meyers assures Tom that lots of real men have high voices, although none of them come immediately to mind. Tom says that he won't even entertain this extremely wrongheaded statement. He tells Meyers that it's not fair for him to do this. Meyers says that Tom's position is fair enough. At this point, Meyers goes out to his car, and he gets upset by what he sees. He tells Tom that he made copies of all his patient files from the past 40 years to give to his replacement, Dr. Murple. After wetting his whistle at Los Amigos, he has discovered that they are missing from his backseat. Meyers says the back door was broken during the robbery. Tom asks him if his file was stolen. Meyers needs Tom to define "yours." Tom chooses to make his question more direct: "Was my file in there?" Meyers says it was. Tom is at a loss for words.

Meyers tries to rest Tom's mind at ease per usual by informing him that he kept very detailed notes on his life story. In fact, he used them to start writing his memoir, so "everything is cool." Tom wants him to back up and confirm that he is using private conversations as the source material for a book. Meyers said this is exactly what he did. Tom asks Meyers to please enlighten him on the nature of the memoir. Meyers says the tone of the request indicates that it's time for Tommy to rediscover his Joyspace. Tom is finally worn down enough to give it a try. Meyers once again tells him to think about Dogmo as he takes his breaths. He asks Tom to relax by imagining that he's watching his favorite episode of Lenny & Squiggies. The title characters are appearing on The Dating Game, and Squiggy elicits a laugh from the crowd when he bites his tongue. Meyers thinks it will make him feel good. Tom says he enjoyed that scene.

Meyers says that Tom inspired the full title of his memoir, which is He Ate My Fudge: In the Psycho Trenches with The Unfixable. Tom asks him to repeat it and wonders if he is one of these so-called unfixables. Meyers says it's not just Tom -- it's 90% of the customers he's served over the years. Tom asks Meyers if he really has no problem calling people unfixable. Meyers says he tried his best, but he can't help it if people are completely deranged. Tom asks Meyers if he is a deranged customer. Meyers asks Tom to define "deranged." Tom tells him to define it for himself. Meyers thinks "crazy" is a more apt description of Tom. Tom objects to this, and Meyers downgrades his assessment to "kinda crazy." Meyers needs a little favor from Tom because he knows that Julius Erving is on the board of directors at Consolidated Cardboard. He would love to get a blurb for the Fudge press release. Tom says he will never arrange for that to happen. He says Meyers cannot write this book, but it's too late: Penguin will publish the Scharpling lidblower next Tuesday. Meyers says he just needs Erving for the press release because he already secured a cover blurb from fellow Hall of Famer Larry Bird.

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Tom asks him why he has basketball players writing blurbs for a therapy tell-all. Meyers says everyone loves basketball players, and Tom concedes that it's not a bad point. Meyers cites his shrewd quote-wrangling as one of the reasons why he was on that side of the couch. He asks Tom if he will provide Dr. J's digits. Tom repeats that he will never do it. Meyers says he hopes Tom likes it in The Hut. Tom realizes that Meyers is proposing jail time for his refusal. Meyers knows that incarceration is one of Tom's huge fears. Tom admits it. Meyers mentions that Tom was unable to watch The Shawshank Redemption because of these issues. Tom asks Meyers why he continues to reveal this information on the air. Meyers believes it's part of a much-needed growing process. He asks Tom for the name of his call screener. Tom says it's Mike, but Meyers disagrees. He suspects that not-Mike will be able to give him some great insight into how Tom's really doing these days. Tom refuses to put Mike on. Meyers thinks Tom is putting up a front like he's always done. Tom asks Meyers to stop. Myers asks Tom to lay down in preparation for the regressive technique they used to work on. Tom refuses to assume this position while he's on the radio. Meyers tells Tom that he's getting sleepy. Tom wonders if he's trying to hypnotize him, and Meyers orders Tom to close his eyes. Tom yells that he is not doing it. Meyers says he's doing it. He tells Tom that he's falling asleep. Tom tells him to STOP IT.

Meyers regrets to inform Tom that he leaves him no other recourse. Tom says he also lacks an alternate recourse because of the forthcoming book. Meyers is dialing Officer Harrups to tell him that Tom once confessed to killing a migrant worker on Newbridge Farms just to see what it would feel like. (The body was never found.) Tom says Meyers is insane. Meyers says Tom is insane, and he claims to have proof of the crime in his extensive notes. Tom doubts he has any evidence. Meyers tells Tom that he's getting sleepier, and he will do his bidding. Tom says he won't do his bidding or allow the publication of a book that labels him unfixable. Meyers pauses before stating that he will proceed with the project. He's also writing screenplay with Kevin Smith, his Thursday 1:30. The film, Jersey Douche, focuses on a DJ who goes nuts and ends up in The Hut. Tom thinks it sounds great. Meyers believes that Tom has kinda dug his own grave in this situation. Tom tries to comprehend how he came to that conclusion. He confirms that Meyers plans to claim that he confessed to a murder during a session as punishment for not handing over Dr. J's phone number. Meyers thinks it's perfect that Tom just admitted it. Tom says it's not perfect. Meyers says that he's recording this call, and he's addressing an envelope so he can mail the CASSette to Officer Harrups tomorrow morning. Meyers hopes Tom likes bread and water, although he's heard that they serve some sort of Mac & Cheese dish on Wednesdays. Tom says that he's not going to jail. Meyers tells Tom that Call Screener Ricky will join him in The Hut.


He's very confident that he could take over for Tom and become a great DJ. Meyers thinks that he could do some psychoanalysis over the air, as well as playing R&B recordings by Solomon Burke and other love-making music. Tom is grossed out by the proposed format. Meyers thinks that's another one of his problems. Tom is ready to say goodbye, but Meyers would love to take some calls. Tom tells him to stop it and declines the request. Meyers insists on giving advice to one caller because he could do a great service to the people of Newbridge. Tom is willing to let him do it, and he asks Mike which line is ready. Meyers says it's Ricky. He never liked that Tom was always making up names. Line 3 is ready for the debut of The Dr. Meyers Show.

Meyers asks Dale to turn his radio down because he hears noises that appear to be emanating from a spaceship. Tom says that happens when he puts two calls on the air. Meyers makes a note that this is "something that happens" -- one of Tom's patented responses. Tom asks Meyers and Dale if they can hear each other now. They both say it's fine. Meyers tells the host to pipe down. Meyers is ready to help him with his problems, but Dale says he doesn't have any. Meyers finds this hard to believe. Dale admits that he had a traumatic pie experience, and Meyers wants to hear about it. When Dale was a kid his mom took him to a cafeteria-style restaurant to get some of that pecan pie he so loves. He dug into his dessert to find a layer of pineapples hiding beneath the pecan filling. Dale says he hasn't been the same since.

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Meyers says that this reminds him of the time Tom told him that he was afraid of the Hawaiian Punch figurines that his mother bought for him. Tom says he is not going to talk about it. Dale agrees that the red-hatted mascot is indeed scary. Meyers wants Tom to tell him the name of the juice spokesman. Tom doesn't know it, and he doesn't want to talk about it. Meyers mentions that Tom had nightmares about the figurine into his 30s. Meyers wants to take one more call. The caller wants to know where he should begin, and Meyers says Year 1. The caller starts to discuss the summer of 1980, but Meyers wants to jump to his teen years because it sounds like he's going to be boring with that part of his life. The caller says that in the summer of 1994 he was new to his school, and he got picked on a lot for his ghastly appearance. He notes that he suffered from flagrant acne, weight issues, and a hyperhidrotic sweat gland. The caller says that he felt like and outcast, and it's been hard to work through it because he's never talked to a therapist. Meyers says he just said pretty much everything Tom told him at their first meeting. Tom tells him to stop it. Meyers wants one more call before he rolls to attend to the drink that just arrived.

Mark from Winnipeg calls, and Meyers notices that this is the second call from the Manitoba capital in the last 30 minutes. Mark says that Gabby is his girlfriend. Meyers wants to find out more about her story because it sounded like she had some problems. Mark says it all stems from being French. Meyers requests a .jpb, and Mark says he totally would send one because Gabby is a very pretty girl. Meyers makes a note to look out for a .jpg of Gabrielle. He says he had a patient named Gabrielle Douchette who was plagued by a massive bedwetting problem into her 40s. Tom has finally had enough of these terrible betrayals of confidence. Meyers asks for one more call. Tom initially refuses, but he changes his mind.

Meyers welcomes Dave from Knoxville him to Couch Talk. Dave says it's perfect timing because he's a little down about turning 50 while Tom was at the cardboard convention for the past 6-8 weeks. He's depressed because he feels like he has nothing to look forward to after reaching this milestone. Meyers says he would be on the lookout for something that will make his life better. He thinks that Dave will soon be reinvigorated when he walks into a Barnes & Noble to find He Ate My Fudge: In the Psycho Trenches with The Unfixable by Dr. Fred Meyers. Tom tells Dave not to buy his book. Dave says there is a local B&N that is open until midnight. Meyers says it actually comes out in two weeks, so Dave asks him what he should do in the interim. Meyers says there's nothing he can do other than try to hang tight. Dave asks Tom if he can help him. Tom wishes he could. Meyers says Tom definitely can't help anyone because he can't even help himself. Tom thanks his doctor for his latest batch of encouraging words.

Meyers is ready to end his radio debut because the ice is melting in his drink. He also spotted a little lady who needs a little bit of "advice." Tom thinks his coded intentions are disgusting. Meyers does not. He vows to keep checking in to see how Tom is progressing, but Tom announces that this will be his last appearance on the program. Meyers caps off his stirring call by throwing his hat into the ring for the Newbridge mayubernatorial race. He was unaware that many candidates were dropping out in the last few weeks. (Get ready to meet, Mr. Halversom!) Meyers says that he will run on behalf of the Mental Health Party. He asks Tom if he can deny that he's the best candidate for the ticket. Tom denies it based on tonight's highly unprofessional antics. Meyers thinks Tom will change his mind when he sentences him to 100 years in The Hut as his new mayor. Tom says goodbye to Dr. Meyers, who insists that he will hand down the lengthy prison term. He tells Tom that he's getting sleepy with heavy eyes. Tom GOMPs Meyers, but the doctor beats him to the hang-up. He gets off a parting shot: Darren Ploppleton will be his cellmate. Dave from Knoxville gives Tom a jolt. The Powercaller is still on the line.


[Celebrity iTunes playlists to come!]


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