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The Moment of Triumph.

"You cannot have the word 'turlet' in the song." -- Paul F. Tompkins, questioning Tom's chorus via IM
"You're really gonna make Ted sing 'turlet'?" - PFT, still in disbelief about 30 minutes before the World Premiere
"I never said this about one of my own songs before, but this song is amazing." -- Ted Leo, touting the completed turlet rock via IM

Big Steve is on the drum set
Counting it four by four
Little Jimmy jamming the six-string
Giving the people more
Count Violence bringing the low-end
Cuz that's all that he knows what to do
And my name's Ted
That's what I said

And the western world will perish in 15 years!!!!!!!!!

And then in the year 16, when the world is clean
Clean of this hipster scene
Well all their ghosts will scream for what their souls have seen
And the tapas they could have been eating

But
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die

Aw
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why

Come on!
Nothing to drink, I've got nothing to eat
I'm barely alive, I'm dead on my feet
The East River boiled and belched up a cadaver
The corpse walked to Enid's for a drink and some palaver

And
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die

Yeah
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
So don't ask why

Cuz
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
And you don't ask why

I said
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
So give it a try

It!
Was!
Supposed!
To Be!
My Moment!
Of!
Triumph!

[TBSOWFMU - 6/3/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]


Harvey Milk - "Barnburner"

( Click here to buy Life ... the Best Game in Town)

Bash & Pop - "Fast & Hard"

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Jucifer - "Blackpowder"

( Click here to buy L' Autrichienne)

Hot Snakes - "Why Does It Hurt"

( Click here to buy Suicide Invoice)

King's X - "I Don't Know"

( Click here to buy XV)

Monochrome Set - "The Jet Set Junta"

( Click here to buy The Independent Singles Collection)

For Against - "Don't Do Me Any Favors"

( Click here to buy Aperture)

The Spinanes - "Oceanside"

( Click here to buy Strand)

**********

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "The World Is in the Turlet"*

*Per several linguistics scholars, it's "turlet" -- accept no substitutes!

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the world perishes:


- Hesh calls with confidence that Tom might remember him from when he called earlier yesterday to talk about Spider-Man 2. Tom points out that Hesh is a barrel full of mistakes. He tells the Best Show agitator that he actually called the show last week to talk about Spider-Man 3, a topic Tom swiftly poo-pooed. Hesh blames his 0-for-2 performance on nerves. Tom's glad to see Hesh's idea of quality radio -- breathily bumbling his way through an error-laden introduction -- compared to the Ls he's been pinning on recent installments. Hesh thinks the discord is a result of getting off on the wrong foot during his first call, but Tom tells him that he's just in way over his head. Hesh entered the Big Leagues even though his skills were barely passable in Tee-Ball. Tom imagines that Hesh is consistently hitting himself in the head with the bat after whiffing at his stationary target. The attack leaves Hesh speechless, and Tom GOMPs the little troll.

Holy moly. Tom checks the mic levels with Mike the Associate Producer, and he's ready to move forward as the host of another Tuuuuuuesday night extravagonza called "Too Much Fun." Tom predicts that the title will prove to be ironic three hours from now when everyone wonders what happened to all that promised fun. While the fun may elude him, Tom is excited about an action-packed program that will make radio history. Songwriting superstar Ted Leo is holed up in a Chicago recording studio with his Pharmacists to create a song with lyrics crafted by Tom and the listeners. The finished tune will have its World Premiere at the end of the broadcast in the first-ever Instant Smash or Trash. Mike wants to know if there is a general theme for the song, but Tom prefers to see where the listeners take it and then guide the storyline from there.



Incoming freshmen visit the campus of Temple University during New Student Orientation


In addition to this unprecedented musical event, Tom has a special treat in his own studio: a Best Show intern. Tom bleeps his name to protect him from the many preverts who would likely invade his home later tonight. However, he refers to him as Dan a few moments later. The high school senior is looking to make his way through the turlet-dwelling world and hopes to gain some valuable toot-a-lage from a seasoned professional. Dan reveals that he will matriculate this fall at Temple University in Philadelphia. Tom scolds him for noting that the school was located in the "ghetto." The poor attitude makes him wonder if Dan is actually one of Stevie BlueThe Fisherman's minions.

Dan confirms that he will do whatever Tom wants for the next three hours. His two primary tasks are as follows:

1. Get Mike a piece of his beloved vanilla cake from the diner.

2. Transcribe potential lyrics for the TLRx rock 'n roll song.

Dan informs Tom that he wants to get right to the lyric submission segment. Tom apologizes for not pacing out the beginning of the show to his desired specifications. He's not thrilled about Dan cracking the whip after only three minutes on the job.


zombiefamily_small.png- Nate from St. Paul calls with four lines he put together after reading about the project on the FOT Board. He describes them as something Richard Meltzer would scribble if he was suffering from head trauma. Tom gives Nate permission to recite his lyrics, but he tells Dan to hold off on the transcription in case they are a terrible waste of ink. Nate thinks there is an outside chance that his words will fall into this category. Tom GOMPs him after hearing the first line:

Teenage supertrash Maserati nightmare

He thinks the opening lyric sounds like something Rob Zombie would pen for one of his monster movie odes. Tom believes that Zombie's music has aged well, and now he's bringing his timeless artistic vision to the world of cinema. Tom asks Mike if he's heard about Zombie's planned film adaptation of All in the Family with Moby in the role of Michael "Meathead" Stivic. He doesn't think anybody wants to see this film. Tom mentions that Zombie cast Val Kilmer and 3rd Rock from the Sun's Kristen Johnson as Archie and Edith Bunker. (Click image to the right for an expanded all-star lineup.)

After Nate's lackluster offering, Tom fears that TLRx might end up in the territory of The Turtles' "Buzzsaw." He's willing to accept a one-word rocker, but he'd like to explore some more robust lyrical content.

- Nicky Mitsy Nixey from San Francisco calls on his football phone because he's a fan of the gridiron. He says that he'd like TLRx to record a song of solidarity for the astronauts trapped in the International Space Station without the use of a working turlet. Tom points out that this song would thematically spoil by next week. Nixey argues that the song could provide the necessary motivation for the astronauts to keep going. Tom hopes they are hanging in there, but he doesn't think their waste storage predicament needs to be put to music. He asks Nixey if he really wants a Brill Building-level songsmith to work with this material. Nixey says it's what the brave astronauts want. Tom tells him to stop pushing this idea. He predicts that the song will be a disaster on par with Stevie Blue's "Chocolate Covered Hearts." Tom says he spent the weekend on StubHub in an unsuccessful attempt to get tickets to a Stevie Blue concert. Mike got comped. I really hope this shows up on nyctaper because Blue was apparently joined by Roger Clemens, Mike's bluegrass band, and Vinnie Cappucchino for a cover of Mindy McCready's "Guys Do It All The Time" during the first of six encores.

The dead phones make Tom realize that he has to provide some guidelines for what will be the ultimate Ted Leo song, perhaps the leadoff track on his next long-player. He's embarrassed that Dan the Intern is watching him flame out instead of progressing towards his moment of triumph. Dan tells Tom to impress him. Tom tells Dan to keep it to himself and threatens to derail his graduation.



- Ted Leo, who can certainly bring it off-the-dome, checks in to help get some fresh ideas flowing. Tom assumes that Ted is not looking for a parade of historical references like Billy Joel's lifespanning "We Didn't Start The Fire" because of the two-hour time crunch. Ted wonders if Joel really put a couple hours of work into the composition. Tom doubts it. He reminds Ted that there is only one Billy Joel, a heaven-sent Highlander in reverse.

stevejimmycountleo.png

Tom suggests starting the song with Ted introducing his bandmates a la Sly & the Family Stone's "Dance to the Music." He wants to create a party atmosphere that will abruptly shift into politics. Ted runs down the current configuration of his band:

Big Steve - Drums
Little Jimmy - Guitar
Count/Marty Violence - Thud Stick Bass

Tom riffs on some ideas and declares his hatred for music while struggling with Mr. Violence's entrance. He eventually works it out:

Big Steve is on the drum set
Counting it four by four
Little Jimmy jamming the six-string
Giving the people more

Count Violence bringing the low-end
Cuz that's all that he knows what to do (intentional grammatical stupidity)
And my name's Ted
That's what I said

Mike wants Ted to identify himself as the host and assume the role of a butler. Tom quickly halts this Sgt. Pepper's direction. He then comes up with his sobering turn: the world as we know it will end in 15 years. Tom is ready for more listener input now that the ball is rolling.

- Laurie from Miami calls a week after Tom forbade her to call WFMU's Prank Patrol. He was concerned about Laurie entering the universe of a competing show after he caught her speed audition for a twee pop radio program. Laurie says that she didn't call PP last week because she fell asleep during the show. Tom rescinds the restriction as long as Laurie mentions The Best Show the next three times she calls. He wants her to point out that TBS skyrocketed in popularity without resorting to cheap tactics. Laurie agrees to execute the hat trick of taunts.

Laurie is acting as a proxy for FOT Chat maestro Wes, who came up with "The Ballad of El Baldo" as a title for a song about James. Tom likes the play on Evan Dando's "The Ballad of El Goodo" from the underrated Empire Records soundtrack. Laurie imagines the song as a super-dramatic rock opera with a heavy Queen/ABBA influence. Tom thinks James could be incorporated into the song, but he seems reluctant to give him a starring role. He revises his political transition to "the western world will perish within the next 15 years." Laurie thinks it's kind of wordy, but Tom is confident that Ted will be able to sell it. Laurie suggests a rewrite to "the western world, goin' up in flames." Tom finds it too eloquent and wants Laurie to provide a rhyming couplet instead. She offers an aflame/to blame pairing to suggest that James is to blame for the world's impending doom. Tom uses that to write "creeps like James are always to blame" as a potential lyric.

UPDATE: Laurie did indeed note the glory of The Best Show on the 6/4/08 installment of Prank Patrol. She also refused to attend Ken and Andy's geriatric cuddle party.

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- A caller suggests rhyming Rogaine with James. He informs Tom that Rogaine is a hair tonic. Tom asks him if he's stuck in the world of O Brother, Where Art Thou?. Tom tosses out two lines about The Best Show's man of constant sorrow:

Creeps like James are always to blame
Shopliftin' Rogaine from a Walgreen's at 3 a.m.

The caller thinks that's perfect. Tom instructs Dan to not write it down.

- Mike from Morristown 07960 gives it a shot:

For those who listen
You will suffer from the beginning

Tom doesn't follow the intention of these these lyrics. Mike says they are inspired by the New Regime. Tom is still not feeling it.

- Zachary Mexico calls from the octagon. Tom doesn't like it. I think this was Michael Vick calling during a break from a prison yard slapfight.

- Quality Caller Spoony from Brooklyn feels awkward because he's wearing Tom's WFMU Marathon premium t-shirt. He says he will remove it, but Tom gives him permission to keep it on. Spoony wrote some lyrics that he now needs to twist around to work with the emerging party-apocalypse theme. He came up with a harrowing tale of survival after Ted Leo's tour van breaks down in the desert. Tom is intrigued. He wonders if the band is being hunted by weird mutants like The Hills Have Eyes. Spoony wants to make this an anthem for the Presidential election where the world's expiration in 2023 is due to global warming. The bottom line: Ted Leo will not stand for this. Spoony suggests that the end times were set in motion when James removed his toupee in the desert. Tom makes an executive decision to ban James and his toxic wig glue from getting immortalized by TLRx. He doesn't want to reward the creep with a story he can tell his co-workers at the check-cashing store 50 years from now. Spoony imagines future James putting a sawbuck on the Lucky #5 horse. Tom can see James's boss telling him to wipe out the Dumpster with his toupee. Spoony lets it ride:

The sun, my lad, has made an oven of your van
It burns and splits the lips and blisters hands

Mike vetoes "my lad," but Tom overrules him because he thinks it's a funny word. Spoony suspects this particular lad is wearing a nice cap. Tom inserts "this was supposed to be my moment of triumph" before the first verse. He tells Dan that he will not go to college if he doesn't accurately transcribe these lyrics. Tom assures him that he has the power to discontinue his education. Spoony wants to know if Dan is writing in print or cursive. Tom says he's writing in print like a Good Guy should. He doesn't think he could write a sentence in pointless cursive if he was being held at gunpoint. Spoony says he can definitely see how a q/z mishap could lead to fatal head shot. Tom calls for the end of cursive handwriting. Spoony joins the crusade because he's ready for a new target after abolishing the King's English with a W in the Revolutionary War. Tom says that he avoids quill pens because he doesn't want to worry about ink dripping from the feather. Spoony says that writing with a quill pen is a humiliating experience. Tom tells Spoony that he's shaping up to be a top-notch caller. He doesn't want to give him any more specific accolades to avoid turning him into the next flameout victim.



- Nate from St. Paul calls back to apologize to Tom, Ted Leo, and the listeners for dropping some Zombified, sub-Meltzer doggerel. He believes that everyone deserves better. Tom does create a character named Trans Am Man based on Nate's previous car reference. Nate points out that Ted might have to use a Vocoder like Neil Young on Trans to properly voice his plight. Tom says the story would involve the titular mulleted dude coming to town to ruin everything. Nate thinks that would work. However, he came up with lyrics that push the song closer to the uptempo politics of "Ball of Confusion." Nate says that his new lines would go right before the last iteration of the chorus in a party song about how the world is going down the turlet. He acknowledges that the meter could use some work. Check it:

We ain't got too much time left before the end of man
So let's get as much rockin' done as we really can

Tom immediately comes up with a chorus to follow the "moment of triumph" transition:

The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
The world is in the turlet
And we're all gonna die

Tom asks Mike to bring him a guitar so he can finish the song without Ted. He admits that he may need to steal the Pharmacists for his backing band. Nate redeems himself by inspiring the catchy chorus to what could be the feel good/bad hit of the summer.

- A caller says he's listening to some pretty awful radio. Tom regrets hanging up on him so quickly. He doesn't think there's anything awful about writing a hit song.

- Mike in Morristown tries to bounce back after coming at Tom a little too hard. Tom reminds him that he's not a revolutionary doing battle in the Morristown Square. Mike says he was trying to draw a comparison between Tom cleaning house in the New Regime and the Iraq conflict. Tom says he followed that connection, but he shot it down. Mike says he will stick with his original lyrics. Tom hangs up on him again.



- Erika from Baltimore calls just as Paul F. Tompkins IMs Tom to say that he cannot have the world "turlet" in the song. Tom and Erika disagree with his take. Tom knows that PFT is a grade-A stand-up comic, which he confirmed once again this past weekend at Comix, but there is no proof of his songwriting abilities in any pudding he's consumed. Tom, however, has songwriting in his blood. He's still living off the fortune amassed by his great-grandfather for writing the popular jazz standard, "Jeepers Creepers." Tom sings a couple of lines, and Erika says that her mom likes to sing the tune. Tom wants to know how many time she's performed it so he can invoice her for the royalties. Erika asks Tom if whistling counts. It does. Tom is willing to settle out of court for $75/play. Mike chimes in with:

Nothing to eat, nothing to drink
I'm barely alive, I'm dead on my feet

Tom is impressed with Mike's songwriting skills. (The next Beethoven?) He informs Erika that while he is not fully reinstating the former Supercallers, she will join Paycheque in Toronto and Darren in Knoxville as Power Callers. Erika says she had faith in the New Regime, but she's excited about the new title.

PFT takes another stab at songcraft by attempting to change the chorus to "the proof is in the pudding." Tom inserts it as a second chorus:

The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
The proof is in the pudding
And you don't know why (later revised to "So give it a try")

Erika finds it appropriately catchy and has a verse of her own:

And then in the year 16 when the world is clean
Clean of this hipster scene
Well all their ghosts will scream for what their souls have seen

Tom enjoys the notion that a great cleansing has washed away the hipsters. He proposes that Ted report the end of Brooklyn:

In the news today, a giant sinkhole took McCarren Park to the depths of Hell. There were no survivors.

Tom recites the line in a standard broadcaster voice, and he also gives Ted the option of using the falsetto of a little angel child. Tom suspects that Ted is now terrified and won't be able to deliver the finished song by the end of the show. Ted IMs Tom to express concern about the concept of a McCarren sinkage with no survivors. (It would have been a nice tie-in to the Mayubernatorial race!) Tom thinks the park is a dump and has an equally low opinion of the Turkey's Nest Tavern. He says that his fontasy is to pour into the park The Untouchables-style with cops in bunco vans and paddy wagons. He will wear his oversized sunglasses as he watches kickball home runs land in the back of a wagon. Tom considers using trails of cocaine to lure players to their arrest.

- The artist Scott T calls with an idea for the end of the song. In his scenario, people start to take refuge in rafts and on stray islands amidst the post-apocalyptic floods. Scott T anoints Captain Jack as the new ruler of the seas. Tom rejects this idea. Scott is really not pleased to hear this ("Whaddya mean, no?") because he thinks a cackling CJ is a good kicker. Tom refuses to immortalize the creep who scared him with a cooler containing a dead monkfish. Scott T wants to know if CJ is definitely the fishmonger or just suspected of the delivery. Tom doesn't think it takes top-shelf fictional investigators like Lt. Columbo or Hercule Poirot to crack this case. He believes that Scott T is a master of the visual arts, but songwriting is a tricky skill. Scott doesn't think he has the requisite chops. Guess who does? Tom. Scott T offers to create an album cover for the McCarren Park rock opera. Tom notifies everyone that TLRx need to get to work in 10 minutes.

- An unidentified caller confuses Tom with a climate switcheroo:

It's hot in the winter and cold in the summer
A snowsuit in August can be a big bummer

- Jeff in Milwaukee calls to propose a title and edit an existing lyric. He wants the first chorus to to end with "And we're all going down" to indicate a flushing. Tom says that he understands how turlets work and rejects the change. Jeff suggests "The Clowntown Shuffle"* or "The Clowntown Rag" as possible titles. Tom puts an asterisk next to the former.

- Forrest in Manhattan 10036 has some lyrics that fit into his idea for the structure of the song. He sees the first half as discussing the decaying conditions, and the second half examining the root causes. Forrest piggybacks on AP Mike's lyrics:

The heat is intense
My energy's spent
The message of the end
Has already been sent

Forrest equates the inevitably of the world's demise to an irretrievable e-mail transmission. Tom likes it, but Mike gives it a thumbs down. Dan also strikes it from consideration.

- Matt from Gowanus, Brooklyn, calls with a jarringly political and amusing insertion after Ted introduces himself:

The crisis in Myanmar affects all of us. Food crisis. What? Uh.

Tom says he doesn't know what to do with that.

eastriverbelch.png

- John Junk in L.A. calls with two sets of lyrics:

A tornado took my turlet
With a swiftness it did hurl it
Far off into the sunset of a blood red sky

Tom wants to hear Junk's second set because he's not into dirty limericks. Junk fares much better with his Brooklyn-themed couplet:

The East River boiled and belched up a cadaver
The corpse walked to Enid's for a drink and some palaver

Tom changes palaver to blow, but Ted likes the original word. Tom is ready to build the song on a fresh piece of paper.

Section I: Band Introductions ----> Western World Perish

(apocalyptic noise)

Section II: Turlet Chorus / McCarren Park Sinks (optional)

Junk suggests whispering the turlet chorus. Tom says he's not interested in having Ted do an homage to Drowning Pool's "Bodies" in an attempt to gain heavy rotation on K-ROCK. Tom considers the problematic publishing rights that would arise if this song became TLRx's first gigantic hit single. He estimates that the band would only net $45 after paying all of the co-writing listeners.

Section III: Erika's Year 16 Hipster Cleansing

Section IV: Mike's Couplet

Section V: Pudding Chorus

Section VI: East River Zombie Stomp

Mike wants an upbeat ending. Ted wants it all dark. Tom briefly considers a "'cause all we need is love love love love love love love love love love love" punkout climax.

- Patrick in Brooklyn tries to get James into the song by pitting him against Dutch in the Battle of Cocaine Heights. Tom doesn't think there is any room for this epic struggle. Patrick sees Dutch as the hero for finally rescuing everyone from James's idiocy. Tom likes it, but the increasingly harsh Dan does not.

- Tim in Milwaukee calls to contribute a slightly hopeful, slightly dark verse:

There's figures in the distance
Are they hipsters or ghosts
Do they mean us harm
Or are they a rock 'n roll host

Tom asks Dan to write these down and then use an electronic mail programe to type the assembled lyrics for Ted.

orgotapas.png

- Sarah from Lubec, Maine, calls with some lyrics that exude a driving fast/having fun vibe:

The world ends, but we don't care
We're driving fast, wind in our hair
The roads are clear, no laws to stop us
Damnation's near, but we're eating tapas
We're on the road, and the world is burning
The sun's gone cold, but our wheels keep turning

Sarah gives Dorvid credit for the tapas line. Tom wonders where Sarah was when it counted because now he's stuck with a lump of garbage. Sarah says she was busy waiting for the muse to strike so she could compose. Tom is disappointed that he already has enough song. Sarah thinks these lyrics would work well for the next Instant Smash or Trash session with Mike's bluegrass band. She then schools Tom on the differences between Dixieland (jolly horns) and bluegrass (washtub bass/banjos). Tom says he's always filed both genres under the same category of music: the kind that Tom doesn't listen to. Tom thanks Sarah for the call while performing a sad trombone noise. (Ted requests the tapas line a few minutes later.)

- A guy in the East Village thinks this chorus would be more interesting:

There's no way to avoid it
We're all gonna destroy it
The world is just a turlet
And we're all gonna die

Tom kind of likes the rewrite. The caller says that he prefers it to Tom's more boring, repetitive chorus. Tom GOMPs him for the dig and changes his mind about the alteration.

- A caller wants to bring out Ted's political side by ending the song with a quote from a John McCain speech:

No ambition is more important to me
Then the security of my country

Dan gives Tom a late entry from Wes:

The seas dry up, everyone dies
The only thing left are Disco Fries

Tom thinks he could read these lines on the wall of the disgusting men's room at the Flamingo. The scrawled message would urge customers to order the $3 Disco Fries after they are finished not touching anything. Tom gets an e-mail request from one of his arch rivals about easing up on him. He agrees to cut the sadsack some slack. Tom admires Dan's attention to detail (separating verses with dotted lines) when composing the e-mail -- a glimpse at the way things could be.



- Pat calls with some lyrics that could have turned Ted into the Piano Man for a new generation:

You moved out of your mom's to live with the young crowd
You call it a rock scene when it's a fashion show
Spend your paycheque on tight jeans from Urban Outfitters, soy products from Whole Foods, and the rest on some blow.

Tom wishes he called at the beginning of the show so Ted could produce the 2008 version of "Captain Jack" -- the Billy Joel song, not the human trainwreck. Tom tells Pat that he has enough talent to write his own song. He recalls Pat's involvement with the Redeeming Rainbow television pilot (Best GOMP nominee!) and The Long Walk To New York, a long-gestating, not-for-charity documentary about a 30+-mile journey from Montclair across the GWB into Manhattan. The Super Size Me meets Homeward Bound project was set to feature a cast of crazy characters, including a Rahway State Prison escapee with "Sweet Tooth" tattooed on his knuckles and a ukulele player named Bender. Pat still has some hope that the long walk will take place. Tom is now convinced that TLRx will produce the best song ever.

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Tom took another horrifying trip to the bookstore, where he discovered that Chelsea Handler, the toilet-mouthed host of E!'s Chelsea Lately, released her second book. Dan tells Tom that his friend is her cousin. Tom tells Dan that his friend is very unlucky. Tom also recently saw Handler as the second guest on an episode of The Tonight Show with Scabby McGee that was toplined by William Shatner, who was promoting his hideous new memoir. Tom laments that Shatner has opened a 9-0 publishing lead on him. When Handler landed on the couch, the trio started unleashing filthy double-entendres that made Tom nauseous. He did not enjoy seeing three of the least attractive people on Earth talking dirty to him. Tom compares the display to watching the mutants on Real Sex, Home Box Office's (inexplicably) long-running documentary series. He considers the possibility that the right-wing Focus on the Family crew secretly financed the program to discourage people from doing stuff like that. I did enjoy Real Sex 18, which was dedicated to the health benefits of marathon love-making sessions, and one segment from RS 77, which was essentially the plot of Trent L. Strauss's You're Soaking In Her without the body liquification climax.

At one point Leno asked Shatner if he saw the Sex and the City film. Shatner says that he didn't, and Leno told him that he was a Good Man for avoiding it. Tom doesn't understand why men are so threatened by the lone film that isn't aimed squarely at their demo. He's convinced that a man could safely screen it without getting injected with estrogen. Tom reminds the paranoid males out there that it's a movie, not a plot to trick them into having sex change operations. After women have spent the last century biting their tongues when dragged to dumb action movies, a caveman skunkhead is now shaking with fear about potential exposure to a female-centric, seasonal tentpole. Tom objects to Leno's attempts to force his 1950s mentality on America.




Tom compares the SatC outcry to being trapped in a beer commercial, particularly the Bud Light spot where two guys spend a grueling evening at the opera with their female companions. Ladies love opera! One guy decided to dull the pain by smuggling some Bud Light inside the venue. He flashes his suit jacket and pops open two bottles as the soprano climbs octaves. She then emits a piercing high note that shatters the glass just as they were ready to enjoy their brews. Tom thinks these guys should be able to go three hours without getting drunk. He concludes that beer commercials make a persuasive case that modern men are alcoholics who will apparently do anything -- window jumps, fridge raids, spin through walls -- to get their hands on a six-pack that retails for $5. Tom even saw a commercial where some monsters were planning to murder their landlord so they could get his stash of Bud Light. Tom is not a beer fan in general, but he thinks anyone can do better than this disgusting swill.

Since the weather is getting warmer, Tom and Jillian Barberie recently hit the boardwalk (not Seaside Heights) to revel in the glorious majesty of a new season and get an early look at the new games of chance. Tom reports that the exciting 2008 theme is based on Deal or No Deal, the popular NBC game show skein. In this version, a wheel is divided into extremely small subsets that send the odds of hitting your sliver off the charts. One guy actually landed on his number and won anything on the prize shelf: Xbox 360, iPod, or a cheap electric guitar. Tom says the instrument looked like it was either inflatable or perhaps Mac McCaughan's old Gibson Marauder.

The guy behind the counter gave the winner the option of playing "Deal or No Deal" with his prize. He took the bait to a chorus of approval from spectators. Tom points out that the boardwalk showrunners actually care about having to dole out top-shelf prizes. While Howie Mandel offers briefcases that correspond to specific amounts of money, the boardwalk booth had 20 unmarked briefcases mounted on the wall. Tom believes this is a fraudulent practice. The guy reached up with a mechanical claw to pull down a briefcase for the contestant. He opened it up to reveal an .mp3 player with COBY written in the SONY font. Tom agrees with his assessment that it was an even swap because the device holds 12 songs and doesn't work. Idea for 2009 boardwalk moneymaker: one-on-one games against Coby Bryant, an accountant from Brick Township.

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Top Chef Markham: Quiznos security cameras document Ross's Quickfire scavenger hunt

- Ross in Markham, IL, calls to perform his ode to The Best Show. He's nervous about the live radio performance, but he gets through it:

I don't like The Best Show
The problem is it stinks
Not tryin' to be a douchebag
It's just the way I thinks

I know that I'm complaining
But I can't be the first
Instead of being The Best Show
It should be called The Worst

It couldn't be more boring
It's like a three-hour lull
Ironic that The Scharplings
Produced a child so dull

I know I'm being annoying
I know that you don't care
But the most amazing thing
Is how ... you ... still ... stay ... on ... the aaaaiiiirrrrr

Tom's initial review: not bad. Ross is unclear about whether the lyrics accurately represent his opinions about The Best Show. He claims to like it aside from getting annoyed by Tom's ill treatment of the callers. Ross thinks he's written a good song, man, but Tom now thinks it's terrible. Ross is somehow convinced that Tom loves his diss track. Tom reminds him that The Best Show is the biggest show on WFMU, attracting listeners all the way in Markham. He then GOMPs the jerk for saying that he gave money to the station, man. Tom refuses to give Ross a Star Wars-level medal ceremony just for doing the right thing. Ross called in April to angrily rant about WFMU's failure to honor his pledge request to boot Tom from the schedule. Tom threatened to impale Ross on the Colgate Clock. He apologized the following week. Tom makes it clear that it's way too late to bring down this juggernaut. The Best Show may have been vulnerable to attacks five years ago, but the bus has left the station.

Tom discovers that Markham is located in Cook County, IL, with a population of one 12,620. He imagines Ross smashing his face against the window of a local Quiznos, dreaming about the day he can actually afford to buy their subs. In the meantime, he has to feed his family by making fun sandwiches from the scraps in the adjacent dumpster. When Ross hears police sirens, he tells everyone to run and meet up at the lake. Tom is amazed that a guy who (allegedly) feeds his family dumpster subs has the nerve to call to complain about the show. He finds some information on the Canterbury Shopping Center, Markham's premiere and only retail location. Key tenants (and many bountiful dumpsters) include:

  • J&J Fish
  • Subway
  • KFC
  • French Toast Emporium
  • Burger King
  • Taco Bell
  • Duncan's Donuts
  • Footaction
  • Denim-Clad Stepuncle Outlet
  • Payless Shoes

Tom gives Dan $20 for a Flamingo run to get Mike a choc-a-late shake, vanilla cake, and Disco Fries. Dan asks Tom what he should get. Tom appreciates the subservience and gives him the greenlight to pick anything he wants. (He eventually returns with his own choc-a-late shake.)

- Jim refers to Verona, N.J., as a "helluva town," and Tom immediately terminates the overheated call for lacking the requisite radio awareness. He reminds everyone that such language is not suitable for the PG-rated program. Tom has no interest in broadcasting PG-13 or soft-R content -- he's going for Speed Racer family fun, not the raunch of The Wedding Crunchers.

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After watching the poor slob forgo an Xbox 360 for a defective .mp3 player, Tom and Jillian continued their boardwalk promenade. A gentleman approached them after recognizing the nation's favorite gridiron meteorologist. Since he also knew that Tom hosted a show on WFMU, he asked him why Jonesy was not with them. Tom told him that their radio colleague was still parking the car. He mocks the query because Jonesy did his show, and then resumed living his life outside of the station. Tom says he's just teasing because the guy was very nice. The fan encounter was followed by a stop at the hallmark of any fine boardwalk: ring toss! Tom saw two players attempting to toss their bucket of quarter-size rings on the top of the glass bottles. Amidst the clinks and clanks of repeated misfires, two drunk guys came stumbling out of a nearby bar to let everyone know that the house has a clear advantage in this game: "Never works! No one ever wins. No one ever wins! It never works!" Tom says he was amazed to witness the Jedi Master behind the counter fire back at the two goons and actually convince one of them to test the theory with a discounted bucket of rings. The intoxicated skeptic did not connect on any of his tosses, but he thought he "won" because he paid $4 instead of $5. Tom tips his hat to the ring toss barker and his skillful mind tricks.

- A very suspicious "Rebecca" from Montclair turns out to be a guy. Tom says he recently told funnyman Patton Oswald that the summer months always bring out the mutants who are home from college and bored to be back in their parents' basements. Mike says that James just called. A Mutant For All Seasons!

- Frances from Teaneck, a legit 16-year-old female, calls to find out why only guys call the show. Tom asks her about her plans for the summer, but he gets spooked when he hears himself in the playback. He dumps Frances because he thought a guy was going to pick up again. Tom declares the show a disaster that is the opposite of his planned triumph. Mike is pleased that he will at least get a shake out of it. Tom tells him that he will have to dance for the treat. Mike asks Tom if Dan can shine his shoes upon his return.


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As Tom was driving back from the boardwalk, the clogged lanes on the GSP led to a glorious moment of musical synergy. The fast lane was not fast enough, the middle lane was hanging with them, and someone was going appropriately slow in the slow lane. Tom cues up the song that was playing on his car stereo at the time of this traffic jam. The Kid looked for an opening -- darting left and right like Speed Racer -- and finally found some daylight in the slow lane. He pumped the gas to accelerate just as the perfect section of "Band on the Run" ushered him out of there. Tom puts tonight's topic on the table: Real-Life Personal Soundtracks

- A guy says the following: "How ya doin', man? I was just wonderin', man, why would you hang up on your own ---" Tom thanks the "man"child for making it so easy.

- Dan in Morristown claims that he saw Tom gnawing on a chicken bone while yelling at the Green Knight during a recent visit to Medieval Times. Tom confirms that it was him, and Dan does an impression of the ogre-like grunts that he observed. Tom says that may be all he does on the show, but people still can't get enough of it.

He's very disappointed that he has TLRx recording a song for a straight-up L with the least successful topic in the history of the show. (The topic will quickly surge to life -- Turk 182 It retains its title.) Tom decides to revisit a previous topic to solicit some moments where listeners knew something went horribly wrong. He gives the example of having a lie detector test scheduled for Thursday at 4 p.m. Tom says he would also like to talk to anyone who has been hooked up to a lie detector machine. Mike asks Tom if he saw Kimbo Slice rupture the cauliflower ear of James Thompson during a primetime MMA bout this past Saturday night. Tom says he tends not to watch ultimate fighting. He begins to wonder if there is some truth to Ross's countrified wisdom. Tom is the clueless East Coast loudmouth, whereas Ross figured it all out at the Canterbury Shopping Center, the beneficiary of Midwestern epiphanies that can only strike while getting a haircut at the Silk & Classy Barber or preparing taxes at Jackson Hewitt. Is Tom the fool? TLRx + intern was supposed to be a home run.



- Mike from Middletown rescues the original topic from the ash heap of history via a polarizing Best Show figure. He recalls cruising around with his buddy on a Saturday night when Tom Waits's "(Looking for) The Heart of Saturday Night" swept them into a bittersweet movie. Tom asks Mike if the song made them want to pull a heist or just reflect on the sadness of life in flux. Mike says it created more of a sense of desperation like the coming-of-age drama Breaking Away.




- Samir in Florida calls with a real-life soundtrack that occurred a few years ago at the Glastonbury Festival, four days of camping and live music on a big farm in Southwest England. He says that while the late June rains typically turned the grounds into mud, this particular year brought three days of sun before Travis took the stage one evening. When the band started playing their breakout single, "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?", the heavens burst and sent half the crowd running off to the tents to get umbrellas or aronaks. Samir says that people were upset at Travis for tempting fate and starting an hourlong downpour. He refers to the band as "jerks" for their role in the abrupt weather shift. Tom thanks Samir for a top-notch call.


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- A caller doesn't have anything for the topic, but he does want to revisit Tom's recent criticism of late-period Weezer. The caller was initially defensive because he's a big fan of the band, but after seeing the cover of The Red Album he agrees that frontman Rivers Cuomo has indeed lost his mind. Tom thinks it's cool that lab scientists have been able to fuse Ratso Rizzo and Joe Buck from Midnight Cowboy into a single human. The caller says the cowboy hat was the creepy kicker to the weird mustache. He doesn't think the band can still pull off the college outcast routine while being million-dollar rock stars. Tom believes the motley crew (college professor, Rock Dude, rodeo cowboy) is woefully confused at this point in their career. The caller agrees that Cuomo looks like John Travolta's character in Midnight Cowboy. He was too young to remember the film's theatrical run, but he has seen pictures of Travolta wearing the big, goofy hat. Tom says it was the dumbest look he's ever seen. Mike asks Tom if Danny DeVito was also in the film. The caller guesses that he was. Tom wishes there was a way to find it. AMG it!



- Patrick from Westfield calls with a kind of bizarro version of Tom's original entry. He says he felt great while driving to work on a hot day until a big, stinky mulch truck halted his progress on Route 34. The great band Ween then filled his car with their crazy song called "Big Fat [something]." Tom asks Patrick if he's certain that the stench was emanating from the mulch truck and not from the speakers emitting the sounds of Ween. Patrick finally got past the truck, and his escape route was paired with Ween's "Gabrielle," featuring an insane guitar solo. He says it was an incredible feeling.

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- Patrick from the Gowanus/Park Slope border returns to his senior year of college in South Bend, Indiana for a detailed account of an unpleasant morning. Tom wonders if South Bend is near Markham, IL. Patrick says it's in NW Indiana near Chicago, which brings the brutal winters with lake effect snow. He lived in an off-campus house with some friends and always volunteered to give one roommate a lift to an early class if the weather was inclement. At the end of the first semester said roommate roused Patrick from bed at 6:30 a.m. for a ride. Patrick says he started to regret ever making the offer. Tom asks him if he had a hot cup of coffee to help him wake up. He didn't have time. Patrick says that the mood was a bit tense as the little quirks of living together were starting to put a strain on the friendship.

He pulled on some pants and shuffled down the stairs. Tom asks him if they were jeans. Patrick says they probably were, but he can't recall the brand without consulting his sartorial archives. Patrick turned on the car and waited for it to heat up. His passenger got in right when the "William Tell Overture" began playing at a deafening volume. Patrick says he felt like he was in a John Candy movie. He had to laugh at the comic absurdity. Tom retitles the piece "William Tell Me Every Detail Of That Story Overture And Overture Again."



- Garrett from the hinterlands of Michigan calls with another vehicle-themed offering. Back in high school he spotted some friends while he was in a Dairy Queen parking lot. The windows were down on his old Ford Tempo, and he hit play on a Run-D.M.C. Greatest Hits cassette cued up to "Rock Box." As he exited the ice creamery, the line "I'm drivin' a Caddy/You're fixin' a Ford" blared just before his muffler fell off. Tom likes it!

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As Tom promised last week, he went to the IMAX theater at the Palisades Mall (aka Best Mall Eva) to see the much-maligned Speed Racer. Tom often has trouble securing tickets to films, but there was not exactly a seat crunch three weeks into the run at 1 p.m. Tom is sure that the people running the projection booth looked out the peephole and hoped that he was just going to ask about a forthcoming screening of Secrets of the Deep. The employees then saw Tom take out his wallet to buy the $15 ticket. Tom was the only person in the theater, but they made him sit in his assigned, front row seat. He says that his neck still hurts from watching the film projected onto the ceiling. Tom doesn't understand why they even install those seats in an IMAX theater because no moviegoer could be happy about it. He didn't actually sit in the front row, but he did test a front-right seat to confirm it as undesirable. Tom had the run of the place and could have done a Speed Racer dance up the aisles like the Ziegler clan doing the "Funk 49" at the Ritz 8 during Invincible.

He believes that John Goodman, who plays Pops Racer, and IMAX should not be in the same sentence unless it appears in a legal document banning all IMAX screenings of films featuring the oversized actor. Tom doubts that the theater made a profit on his $15 considering they had to dole out paycheques to two production booth associates and one snack stand cashier. Tom complained about Indiana Jones: Close Encounters of the Elderly Kind last week, and he still hasn't heard anything good about it. Dan refuses to see it, and neither will Mike because it wasn't directed by Lukas Moodyssssson*. Tom says Speed Racer was as crazy as crazy can be, but it wasn't bad. He admired the singular vision of the Wachowski Brothers compared to the made-by-committee approach of the Spielberg/Lucas/et al. picture. Tom suspects that anything in IMAX may be good. He would not be surprised to discover that Speed Racer is a mess when it hits DVD.

*He passed in favor of National Treasure III: Benjamin 4-ever, due in mid-2009.

- Derek in Detroit has something for the topic and an interesting story about Strotesick. Tom realizes that he should have tried to fit the Herzog film into the song. Derrick agrees and tells Tom that it's a little too late now. Tom GOMPs him for making fun of the omission. He wants to hear from people who saw Speed Racer, a surefire way to light up the phones. Tom says the film contained the most CGI he's ever seen (even Goodman's mustache was digitized), but Chim Chim was real. He commends the Wachowskis for this stroke of genius compared to the fake monkeys running around in Indiana Jones.



- George in Jersey City calls with an appropriate and inaccurate soundtrack follow-up. While staying at a house in upstate NY with some friends, he left a plugged-in radio out all night in the rain. George says that he was concerned about doing damage to someone or the top-shelf radio. He turned it on the next morning to the sounds of George Harrison's "Let It Rain." Tom asks George if that track, which is one of his Harrison favorites, appears on All Things Must Pass. George is not sure about the source of the track other than an FM station out of Binghamton. Tom tells him that it's on the George Harrison album called Eric Clapton. George apologizes for his mistake. Tom thinks he needs to enroll in Rock School to hit the books, but he moves on because it was a good story for the topic. Tom says that he thought George was going to reveal Richard Harris's cake-soaked "MacArthur Park" as the radio cut. Tom wonders if there was a kid in 1968 telling his friends to forget about The Beatles and focus on Harris as the guy who was going to make musical history. George says that his first memory is his mom singing "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." Tom is surprised to find out that his mom was a member of the band. George says his mother was just performing a solo vocal rendition while he sat in her lap as a baby. Tom is unconvinced and pegs George's mom as the band's kunga player. George says that she didn't even The Beatles.

He asks Tom if he should relive his youth of watching the cartoon form of Speed Racer on the big screen. Tom urges him to check it out before it leaves the theaters in two days. George's Weimaraner, Milo, starts barking in the background, and Tom requests a name change to Sprindle or Barker X in honor of Speed Racer. While Tom favors human flesh and blood for Dogmo, George opts for Wellness or his homemade meat samplers. Tom is pleased to hear that he treats his dog with respect. He asks George if he ever stages Man vs. Beast battles with Milo. George says that he's often forced into interspecies bouts because one of his mixed-breed rescues is a little trying. Tom wants George, who also adopted a dog from an ill-equipped owner, to tell everyone about the awesomeness of shelter dogs. George says the best thing you could ever do is to take an animal in need and turn them into a loving companion for the family.

Dan informs Tom that the chimpanzee employed in Speed Racer was beaten during production after biting an actor. Tom refuses to believe it. George mentions A&E's recent The Andromeda Strain miniseries that inserted some strange twists regarding the Iraq War into the original Michael Crichton thriller. At one point some scientists had to conduct some tests on animals, and one character tossed off a quip about how PETA was going to target their work. George thought it was tasteless. Tom wants everyone to lay off animals.

- Tyler from the LES, The Best Show's emerging film commentator, calls to talk about Werner Herzog's remake franchising of Abel Ferrara's Bad Lieutenant and his collaboration with executive producer David Lynch on the laff riot, My Son, My Son. Tom concludes that Herzog has newfound box-office clout after directing Speed Racer. Tyler asks Tom if he's looking forward to Bad Lieutenant with Nicolas Cage in the lead. Tom says he can't wait. Tyler detects sarcasm and scolds Tom for patronizing him. Tom wonders what he expected him to say to such a query. He informs Tyler that he will patiently wait for the unnecessary updating of an original that nobody needed anyway. Tyler thought Ferrara's film was alright, and he wonders how Herzog will handle the scene where the BL pulls over the two young girls. Tom GOMPs him for being a LES toilet mind.

PFT checks back in via IM to confirm that Tom is really going to make Ted Leo sing the word "turlet." Ted follows that with an update on the recording session: done. He's printing the finished song to CD before ripping it on his laptop and sending it to Tom. Ted says he's never called one of his own songs "amazing" ... until now. Tom reminds Dan that he is a part of radio history in the making. He allows him to go hang out with Mike to prepare for the exciting World Premiere.



- Rivers Cuomo Wild Bill from Hanover Township, New Joisey, is doing fair to middlin' and wants Tom to guess his virtual musical moment. He doubts that Tom can do it. Tom pictures Wild Bill in the yard for a 15-minute recess under the watchful eye of the warden stationed in the crow's nest. He sees a red dot appear on Wild Bill's chest. Wild Bill mentions the truth-telling sensors that are attached to his fingers. He says that he's not a frequent listener, but he did realize that "Private Idaho" by The B-52s has been the virtual musical moment of his entire life. Wild Bill says he's using the term "virtual" because he hasn't had a working stereo in God knows how long. He just got his computer back from Hewlett-Packard after it suffered a similar problem. Wild Bill believes that the technical issues are his deserved punishment for purchasing on PC on eBay. Tom suspects that the common theme is that his electronic equipment does not belong to him. He diagnoses the problem as the pesky passwords of the machine's previous owner. Head straight to Falken's Maze! Wild Bill says it's still under warranty, so H-P replaced the CPU on the motherboard to eliminate the frequent shutdowns. He says that his "computer mentor" told him that he should have made them replace the actual motherboard and the memory modules while they were at it. Tom wonders if his mentor is Morpheus from The Matrix films. Wild Bill says he's just a co-worker who works for Uh-Huh aka Rupert Murdoch aka Uncle Rupert.

Wild Bill is an aspiring geek, and he would like to be able to stream 91.1 on the Internet. He thinks he must be near Mt. Hope because he's picking up the show on WFMU's sis, WXHD 90.1. Tom thinks that's fantastic. Wild Bill has lived in Jersey for about four years, and he's intrigued by Tom's discussion of the glorious Palisades Mall. Tom tells him that it's near Nyack, New York. Bill identifes the mall as the thing carved into the side of a mountain. Tom tells him that he's thinking of Mount Rushmore or the Crystal Skull, not a massive shopping center. Wild Bill guesses Tom is right about that. He says he's never been to an IMAX theater, but he's been watching IMAX movies in a less than ideal setting. Tom asks Wild Bill if he knows what he's about to do. Wild Bill guesses that he will hang up. Tom requests an e-mail when he fires up the mentor-approved H-P to arrange a meet-up for an IMAX screening of Strotesick at the Palisades Mall. Wild Bill says he's always wanted to go to Nyack (he's been once), and then changes it to IMAX when Tom questions his peculiar desire. He's familiar with the theater at the Liberty Science Center, but he is surprised to discover that there are other IMAX locations in the tri-state area. Wild Bill asks Tom if he knows what happened to drive-in movies. Tom gets rid of him before he continues with his old-timey Robert Klein material.

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- Eric from Bushwick calls with a real-life soundtrack that terrorized him when he moved to Boston after graduating from Ramapo College. Tom asks him if the relocation was the result of losing a bet. Eric says that he opted for the land of the dumb leprechaun because he couldn't afford to live in NYC. He admits that it was a bad decision, especially since his roommate was obsessed with Journey. When they visited a local bar, the roommate played "Don't Stop

Tom doesn't think anyone will believe what he's about to debut. If it's what he thinks it is, it will be the sonic equivalent of holy guacamole. Tom and the listeners started writing a song at 8:15 p.m, and by 9:30 p.m. TLRx had enough lyrics to begin work. Ted enlisted Scott the sound engineer to produce the finished track (complete with satanic backmasking) at lightning speed about an hour later. Tom tips his hat to everyone involved, including Mahmood for taking photographs of the band in action. He premieres the song and then sings the infectious chorus while still in a state of shock. Tom thinks "The World Is in the Turlet" may be the best thing he's ever heard in his life. He will continue to explore his songwriting talent, but he will not archive this show.

Smash or Trash?

1. Total SMASH (Unidentified caller)

2. Total SMASH (Unidentified caller; "crescendo of awesomeness" left him in slack-jawed awe; wants the show documented in actual history texts, not just Wikipedia)

3. Total SMASH (Unidentified caller; rendered speechless by the song)

4. SMASH (Johnny from Richmond, VA.)

5. SMASH (Unidentified caller; initial skepticism eradicated by final product)

6. SMASH (Laurie from Miami)

TRASH. Tyler in the LES thinks the song lacked creativity due to the tight deadline. He believes a good song requires a few weeks of work. Tom wants to know what kind of music he's into these days. Tyler says he enjoys The Kinks and mathematical rockers like Don Cab and Hella. Tom immediately bans him from voting.

7. SMASH (Unidentified caller; wants the LES lumped in with mutant-laden Williamsburg)

8. Total SMASH (Sean and Doris from JC; Sean thinks that Tyler needs to shop for a coffin; Tom agrees because he sounds like a junkie)

9. SMASH (Top-Quality Caller Emma in Toronto is amazed and incredibly happy about one of the best things she's ever heard)

10. Absolute SMASH (Samir in Florida pushes it over the edge)

11. SMASH (Raj from Bristow, Virginia)

12. SMASH, SMASH, SMASH (Power Caller/Co-writer Erika from Baltimore)

13. Toe-tapping SMASH (Spoony in Brooklyn)

Tom spins the unanimous SMASH again. It still rules. Tom thanks the guy who sent him an Indiana Jones and The Sorceress of Castle Grayskull game piece for a Burger King tie-in contest and a VHS copy of The Doom Generation. He's baffled by the inclusion of the Gregg Araki indie. Dan isn't sure if he has a VHS player, but he gladly accepts the tape because he's a Rose McGowan enthusiast. Mike in Morristown calls to inform Tom that he just got back from the pub and missed the whole thing. He was presumably drowning the sorrows of rejected lyrics. Tom asks Small Change if he's expecting a guest because he thinks he sees Anton Chigurh at the door. Will tonight be The Best Show's last moment of triumph? Tom wants the mop-topped assassin to know that he's not a sinner. He won the coin toss. If Tom does have to battle with Chigurh, he's confident that he will defeat him: "Fate? I beat fate." The Friendos of Tom abide ...


On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom announces his plans to write / direct / score / cater an enamel-hard-R reimagining of Abel Ferrara's China Girl starring Nate Hartley and Charlyne Yi, John Junk threatens to barge the staff of Shovel.com, and Iowa-based music scribe Bill Chippert calls TLRx's triumph "the most vital slab of turlet rock since the first Pant Pudding single back in 2004."


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