Everything In Its Right Place.
"Hello? Is this the program? I don't know. Do I start? I guess I can start. Is this it? No? It's not? Ok. I thought that was it. This is not the show? What's that guy pointing at me for? Supposed to start? Oh, it is the show. I'm sorry." -- A confused Gene, attempting to host The Best Show
"That ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch." -- Spike, vowing to thwart Hillary Clinton's plans to create a "Planet of the Women"
"They should charge him for that seat. Those are courtside seats he's tying up." -- Tom, looking to collect from the immobile, jerk-whistling Phil Jackson
"My stomach just said, 'Why are you calling?'" -- Tom, translating his growly greeting for Julie from Cincinnati
"I should go get a tetanus shot. Can you get tetanus from dirt? I'm probably addicted to cocaine now. I probably have a drug problem from getting that dirt in my mouth." -- Tom, pondering the consequences of the gusts of Brooklyn marching soil during the Death Cab for Cutie rock concert
"You know what? You got me, Brooklyn. How dare I step to you, think I could win. I lost. I lost. You win, Brooklyn. Congratulations. You did it." -- Tom, admitting defeating after a full-on monsoon sent him staggering like a cadaver to Enid's
"So then I'm sitting there eating a thing of fries and a bun with shredded iceberg lettuce and mustard on it. That's a lowpoint. I'm gonna say that's a lowpoint. True lowpoint." -- A deliriously hungry Tom, dining on a toppings sandwich at Five
BrothersGuys in York, PA
They can fly! These guys can fly! But they choose to walk across the street and everybody with their fancy motorcars is stuck at their mercy." -- Tom, explaining the beauty of The Best Thing on Earth
"It was definitely sounds of like bears and people running away like in a funny way." -- Weirder Jon, catching some campers watching a camping movie
"Well, you could be the funny one. No one's really funny. I should stop talking." -- Liz from Chicago, inadvertently throwing NPR under the bus
"Art thieves? Art forgers? Elmyr de Hory?" -- Tom, speculating on
Officer TomLaurie's topic entry
"I'll go to Radio Disney, play songs from High School Musical. Get an interview with Zach and Cody. Make them have a "Beat It"-style knife fight." -- Tom, getting ready to not do the toilet talk
"I saw a thing on the Southern Weather Service that said the weather in Birmingham is hotter than the Devil's drawers." - Tom, penning a joke for possible sale to Bill Engvall
"It blew me out of the water. I was just devastated by it. I love the show, and the movie was just like Bukowski." -- The edgy Laura from Ridgewood (aka "The Jersey Spike"), expressing disgust at the misogynistic Sex and the City film
"He goes on Gregslist. I think that's the porn one. Craigslist is the normal one. He goes on Gregslist. There's some guy named Greg, who operates it from his jail cell." -- Tom, revealing the website "Mike" used to sell phone numbers obtained during his SatC opening night ruse
"No, I'm sweating right now. I just finished the legs and back.."-- A reinvigorated Petey Rollins, rising from the bongwater for intense P90X workouts
"It was a weird family telling a story about a weird family. I found myself strangely touched by it." -- Tom, double-dipping on Speed Racer in IMAX
"The World Is in the Turlet Plus 10 Catchy Toe-Tappers. That's my pitch for the album title." -- Tom, sending TLRx's career into the titular turlet
Iron Maiden - "Wasted Years"
( Click here to buy Somewhere In Time)
Compulsive Gamblers - "Way I Feel About You"
( Click here to buy Crystal Gazing Luck Amazing)
Prisonshake - "Always Almost There"
( Click here to buy The Roaring Third)
Olivelawn - "Major Label Blues"
( Click here to buy Sophomore Jinx)
Bum Kon - "The Draft"
( Click here to buy Bum Kon)
Tilly and The Wall - "Dust Me Off"
( Click here to buy O)
Close Lobsters - "Pathetique"
( Click here to buy Foxheads Stalk This Land)
Vivian Girls - "All the Time"
( Click here to visit the Vivian Girls on Myspace)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun before the Western world perishes in 2023:
- A youngster who appears to be performing an abrasive, Jerky Boys-esque character calls from New York City to ask Tom a question about some of the music he plays on the radio. Tom wonders if he's from the alternate universe version of NYC. The caller claims to live right off 6th Avenue in the real-world city. Tom recalls that there used to be a voice school on 6th that Time magazine cited as having the worst impression curriculum of all-time. The caller doesn't know anything about the defunct institution. He just wants to discuss the lack of Led Zeppelin in Best Show playlists. Tom is horrifed by the caller's age reveal: 63. He congratulates the faux codger for doing the worst call in the history of radio, an honor he proudly accepts. However, Tom thinks he should be ashamed by the dubious achievement. He wants the caller to confront himself in the mirror in his mythical apartment on 6th and 23rd Street. Tom wonders if there are any cool records stores in that area, but the caller can only think of the the Virgin Records Store down by Times Square. In a rare moment of lucidity, the caller suggests that he does not sound like someone who would shop at such boutiques. Tom finally GOMPs him after he fails to name any local movie theaters.
Tom believes the show is already swirling around the turlet en route to an L. He wants to get the next call over with since it's unlikely to reverse the flow.
- A lively Spike calls during a break from entertaining his friend, Inez Adele. Tom wonders if the companion is a blue elephant that Spike conjured in his mind. Spike says that Inez is a normal human being. Tom docks some creativity points for the less fonciful creature, but he gives props for the cleverness of opting for a human imaginary friend. Spike assures Tom that he has friends of the real variety.
He's excited about his plans for an August vacation to a big city. (Check out Spike's report on his 2006 Philadelphia trip.) As one might expect, Spike doesn't do small towns ... due to legal restrictions. A return visit to Chicago is at the top of his list, and he's also considering making his debut in Los Angeles or San Francisco. Tom votes for L.A. and assumes that Spike researches the routes of freight trains to hitch rides to his desired destinations. Spike says that he travels via commercial airliner. Tom suspects that Spike checks himself inside a package (the CC "El Grande" box would work well) like Waldo Jeffers. Spike says he goes to the airport like a normal person, clears the security checkpoints, and boards the plane with the other ticketed passengers.
Spike is undecided on which city will be the lucky recipient of his presence. If he doesn't head west, Chicago and D.C. are his primary contenders. Tom adds Yonkers to the mix. Spike says he visits Yonkers to shop (The Leather-Clad Daddy Outlet, Utensils-R-Us, Don K. Reed's "Doo-Wop Shop" Shop, etc.), but he wouldn't spend any significant time there. Since Spike no longer drives, Tom recommends striking L.A. from his list because it would be hard to get beyond a three-block radius on foot in the unwalkable city. Spike says he was able to get around Chicago with a mixture of walking and mass transit. Tom wishes him luck with that plan in L.A., and Spike appears to give up on California in favor of another round of deep-dish relish pizza and political corruption. He says that Oprah Winfrey ("Discipline not only rings, it rocks!") is a big draw for him.
Tom mentions the possibility of Spike being in the audience for a taping where Oprah gives away prizes. Spike hopes that he's lucky enough to win a car. Tom downplays expectations a bit with the promise of a fantastic Raymour & Flanigan gift card to surround the orange crate with some additional furnishings. Spike says he wouldn't waste it on dungeon decor. Tom is certain that the people at R&F are breathing a huge sigh of relief about escaping a brand-crippling showroom. Spike's chair begins squeaking, so Tom suggests dealing with that as his big project for the remainder of 2008. He recommends shifting the hotly-anticipated 14.4/28.8 modem upgrade to 2009. Spike says that his high-speed, non-leeched Internet connection via Time-Warner cable modem is fine.
Tom asks Spike if he's excited about the current political landscape as the Presidental election begins to heat up. Spike says that he's looking forward to not having a Republican in the White House. Tom, a loyal, flagrant conservative, is surprised by this take. He asks Spike who he would vote for if Barack Obama selects Hillary Clinton as his Vice-Presidential running mate. Spike, a harsh Clinton critic during the primary season, says he'd vote for any Democratic ticket. He will pick the so-called "man-hater" over old man McCain if it comes to it. Tom asks Spike what he plans to do when Clinton starts rounding up all men and putting collars around their necks. Spike makes it clear that this wrangling will not happen on his watch. Tom informs Spike that Clinton's first initiative will be creating a "Planet of the Women." Spike claims that a lot of people have noted Clinton's intention to castrate American males once she's in office. Tom can no longer continue the call. He decides to get the show back on track and regain his rhythm after the ill-advised early phones.
Tom wants Mike to grab Pangaea from the library so they can head over to the Iron Monkey for some Summer in the Citytinis, a JC specialty made with Kernvoisier, a dash of Rainbow Elixir, olive brine, preserved Meyer lemon, and garnished with a seared butterscotch scallop. Alas, the three hours of mirth, music, and mayhem plows ahead.
The Best Show's The Order of Everything List
(in stores this fall from Penguin)
Geese Crossing Street [Tom]
Adopting An Older Animal From A Shelter [Martin in Edison]
Finding Unexpected Money In Your Pants [Forrest in Manhattan]
Seeing a Dog in the Driver's Seat of an Empty Car [KTB]
Sports At Their Best [Samir in Florida]
People Watching A Camping Movie* While Camping [Weirder Jon from Maplewood]
Staten Island (added on 6/24/08) [Paul from Staten Island]
The Perfect Waffle [Liz from Chicago]
Getting Blown Away By An Opening Band [Mark from Winnipeg]
Seeing a Movie At the Drive-In [Listener T]
Hugging a Lion Cub/Panda/Koala/Chimp/James [Officer Tom/Laurie; expanded by Anna from Greenpoint/Tom]
60-Minute Episodes of Columbo [Anna/Tom]
Werner Herzog TV Interviews [Officer Tom/Laurie]
Black Jeans [Liz from Chicago]
Text Messaging [Joe from Seattle]
Blue Jeans [Liz from Chicago]
90-Minute Columbo Episodes [Anna/Tom]
A Call from Spike [Richard from Cincinnati]
"What is this, Reservoir Dogs?" [John from the land of Mark & Mindy]
Blocking the Fast Lane on the Escalator [Charlie from Nutley]
Cooling Off in the Universal Studios Fountain [Wes from Acworth, GA]
P90X® (muted) & Tom [Drug-Free Petey]
All the Boring Parts of The Exorcist [Matt from
Watching Werner Herzog Movies [Officer Tom/Laurie]
Arrogant Cop Trying to Cut Through the BQE Traffic / BQE Traffic Sans Arrogant Cop [Pete from Long Island/Mike the Associate Producer]
Stubbing Your Toe [Kyle from Monroe, NY]
Paying For Things Above $1 with Just Change [Christopher from Kansas City]
(Paycheque used the above stash to buy 3 Johnny Thunders bootlegs last month)
Sitting Around the Campfire with Your Son [Weirder Jon]
The Sex and the City Movie [According to Laura in Ridgewood]
"The Cook's Revenge" at the Triple Rock Social Club in Minneapolis [Nate from St. Paul]
Any Garfield Subversions [Raj from Bristow, VA]
Giving Tom The Attitude [Tom via Herbie's* Sarcastic Laughter]
*Banned for one year
That Which Cannot Be Said / The Guy in Short-Shorts Looking for Tiny Tim Records (tie) [
Vincent Price Jeff in Milwaukee / Larry from Kansas City]
White People with Dreadlocks [ROY Eddie]
Dave Chappelle/Dane Cook Marathon Stand-Up Sessions (aka Cook's Revenge) [Brian in Columbus, OH]
Deliverymen Who Smoke In The Car and Pollute My Food [Wes from Acworth]
(Water Jugs + Bike = Close Enough!)
Creeps on "Missed Connections" on
GregCraigslist [Laura in Ridgewood]
Smell of a Lit Cigarette Where It Is Neither Welcome nor Expected [Scott in Birmingham, AL]
Debilitating Sinus Headaches [Power Caller Erika from Baltimore]
Listening to the band At the Drive-In [Tom]
People Taking Off Shoes in Public [Pat
ton Oswalt in Philadelphia]
CGI in Movies [Listener T]
Professional Gamers [Frank from Weehawken]
Clipping Fingernails on Subway [Anna]
(The Flickr caption indicates a nail clipping in progress, though it appears admirably covert.)
Brooklyn Vegan Commenters [Tom]
- Living in Bristow, VA
- Julie from Cincinnati
- The Disappointment of Realizing It's Not Patton Oswalt and It's Pat in Philadelphia
- Lil Wayne's cell-phone-recorded Tha Carter III
- Paul F. Tompkins/Patton Oswalt Live
- Watching Yetta Kill a Baby Chick [Julie from Cincinnati; too sad]
- Overcoming Adversity To Make It To the Restroom In Time [Evan in Providence; too turlety / Carlinesque /South Parkish]
- Random A/V Déjà Vu Synchronization [Jeff in Milwaukee; removed for suggesting Truck Nutz]
- All the Gross Parts of The Exorcist [Matt from Gowanus; removed as punishment for Truck Nutz]
- First Time Hearing Born to Run / Listening to Any of Bruce Springsteen's First Five Albums En Route to First Day of a New Job [Larry in Kansas City; bad workplace advice, armpits soaked at 8:58 a.m. from rousing "Thunder Road" singalong]
- Graphics on Hip-Hop Album Covers, Such As Master P [Richard from Cincinnati; nobody uses this style of art design anymore]
- Mama Duck and Eight or Nine Little Baby Ducks Crossing the Road at a Crosswalk in Front of a Police Station [Scott in Birmingham; Undeniably cute spectacle, but Tom cannot have geese-based subsets]
- Overly Loud Bass [Mark in Winnipeg; "What're you, an old man? Get Off My Phone."]
- Discovering That Your Favorite Sandwich Shop Got One of Those Electronic Machines That When Your Punch In Your Order It Just Doesn't Make It Like They Used To Anymore [Frank from Weehawken; this isn't The Jetsons/Brazil/I, Robot]
- The Best Show on WFMU [Sam in New Jersey; the list would fold in on itself, the show isn't about bragging (that's all it's about)]
- Finding a Drum Set in NYC That You Can Play As Loud As You Want [Mike; too nuts]
Slant 6 Performing Soda Pop*Rip Off In Its Entirety at 2009 Pitchfork FestivalOld Formerly Great Artist Emerges from Turlet To Knock One Out of the Park [Mike in D.C.; unable to cite an example]
- Getting Chased By A Dog and Having People Watch [Matt in Vacouver; indecipherable Vancouver crazy talk]
On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Joel Schumacher checks in to promote the two-minute featurettes lined up for the Falling Down: I Don't Think She Likes The Special Sauce, Rick 15th Anniversary Collectible Edition, Roger Stone offers Tom some new New Rules for the New Regime (hint: Tan Mike the Associate Producer + Hawaiian Shirt = Ws), and the Washington, D.C. Director of Tourism tries to woo Spike with a luxury suite in the Dischord House and a private performance of Doo Wop covers by a reunited Nation of Ulysses.
Just in time for summer .... The 6HOP (Mark V) is Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!