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Shredding Regimes.

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"Maybe it's time. Maybe it's payday. Time for a payday. Turn this show into that Jimmy Parton show." -- Tom, considering monetizing his real radio empire
"Don't do this to me, ABBA box. Just go! Go! Come back. No, go! Just go. I cannot look at you." Tom, struggling to give his blue buddy the (temporary) boot
"More pizza, slave!" -- Problem children, demanding additional substenance at a birthday bash
"A lot of marble. A lot of marble went into that." - Tom, considering the amount of raw material required for the Pig Champion statue in Portland, OR.
"Mommy, the man with the laptop is staring at me! Now go get me a cookie!" -- Junior on Steroids, detecting Tom's gaze-holding challenge
"I can arrange for someone to re-arrange my schedule." - Spike, outsourcing the difficult task of freeing up enough time to make his WFMU hosting debut
"It would be so great if a hawk flew down and thought it saw like a boll weevil running on some guy's head. Aw, food! Eeee-awww! And like grabs the rug off his head." -- Tom, looking forward to a bird of prey Jamesing James at the Ted Leo Castle Clinton show
"You should pour maple syrup all over him." -- Ted Leo, contributing to his brothers' Unholy Childhood at a local IHOP
I'll be really honest -- it was very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile. Oh my god, we were so scared." -- Bill, misleading Tom about his mother's condition
"She was shredding their reams. They have a lot of reams to shred." -- Bill, explaining that his mom was super swamped with Newbridge Episcopalian's reams
"They're definitely all first editions. The copy I have of Slaughterhouse-Five -- it's in christine prediction. So perfect." - Bill, noting the condition of the Vonnegut book he got signed by Dick Francis
"Guess who it's signed by? All. four. members ... and Peter Benchley." -- Bill, revealing an unusual addition to his autographed The White Album
"You don't have to lie. You couldn't make it to the game, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal. - Tom, trying to coax Bill back towards the truth
"I'd been bad, and my Mommy put the tape on top of the fridge where I couldn't get it down." -- Bill, providing a reason for not bringing his advance copy of Tears for Fears's The Seeds of Love to school
"It doesn't have a clock, but I can keep in constant contact with Nassau." - Bill, noting one of the cool features of his high-death cell phone
"That guy has some bad bedside manner, doesn't he? He's rude." -- Bill, criticizing Dr. Gregory House's interactions with patients
"Thanks. Some friend you are. You sicken me." -- Bill, chiding Tom for lying about his arrival time for their pre-Prong Battler Butler meetup
"I said that I had stress throat, and, um, I was actually on a renaissance mission with Senator McCain." -- Bill, admitting the ruse he pulled on Old Man Dalrymple
"It sounds like your kind of losing enthusiasm for your own lying." - Tom, sensing Bill's fib fatigue
Yep. With my bass. - Bill, revealing how he entertained the troops in Iraq


[TBSOWFMU - 5/13/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]


Volcano Suns - "Sea Cruise"

( Click here to e-mail Taang! about delivering those supposed TBOY and ANLP re-issues)

Witch - "Disappear"

( Click here to buy Paralyzed)

Tad - "Flame Tavern"

( Click here to buy the documentary Busted Circuits & Ringing Ears)

Scrawl - "Breaker, Breaker"

( Click here to buy He's Drunk)

Q And Not U - "Lil' Sparky"

( Click here to buy No Kill No Beep Beep)

We Ragazzi - "Being Alive Is Like Vandalizing"

( Click here to buy Suicide Sound System)

The Old Haunts - "Hurricane Eyes"

( Click here to buy Poisonous Times)

Hard Skin - "Desperation Street"

( Click here to buy Live and Loud!! & Skinhead)

Bonus Track:

Wellwater Conspiracy - "Born With A Tail"


Nu är det dags för oss att samlas och fira de saker vi gillar och tycker är kul:


"No more carefree laughter ..." -- Anni-Frid Lyngstad

"Not a skip. That was not a skip. It's a straight-up message." -- Tom

- Sean expresses concern that Tom made a premature return from his three-week tummy ache ordeal. He thinks his health is more important than the radio show. GOMP! Gonna tell Tom he's not ready to come back yet! Ha ha! Tom was faking it using the feeble sick voice of his youth! He was knocked down, but now he's standing up. You can't stop him. You can't top or stop The Best Show. Tommy Tornado is out of the hospital and ready to spin his magic.

Tom doesn't want to do the show tonight, but he has no choice. The show is bigger than him, so he's hosting another Tuuuuuuuuesday night installment entitled "A New Regime." Associate Producer Mike intrigues Tom with the promise of a caller who wants to make an unspecified song request. Tom takes the call because he sometimes likes to make young men happy by playing a song on the radio.

- Alvaro from Westchester, PA, requests Wellwater Conspiracy's "Born With A Tail." Tom is pretty sure that somebody loaded the Wellwater catalog into the WFMU .n3p library. Alvaro is a big fan of the band, and his request comes from Brotherhood of Electric: Operational Directives, which is one of his favorite albums of all-time. Tom agrees that it's good stuff. He asks Alvaro if he wants to hear the track now. Alvaro says it's up to Tom because it's his show. Tom appreciates the leeway and says he's got it cued up at #12 in Computer B. Alvaro wants to say one last thing, but Tom doesn't let him because he's the ruler of a New Regime.

Here's a copy of the press release that Tom distributed to a very select group of trusted journalists: Marc Healy at the Newbridge Herald-Times Republican-Herald, Mick Wall at Kerrang!, Ethan at The Patriot Press (Port Morris HS), Bill Chippert of The Chippert Report (Davenport, IA), Bob Guccione, Jr. at Spin, Linus at Shovel.com, Scott Templeton at The Baltimore Sun, and Ricky the Faux Sherpa, Managing Editor of Kern Publication's Dr. Christian Harfouche's Warriors for Christ.

**********

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

FROM: Tom Scharpling

CONTACT: media@mennen.org for all press inquiries / Mach IV sample requests

ATTENTION: Loudmouths and Internet Tough Guys

REGIME CHANGE IS AFOOT!! NEW RULES GALORE!!

If you want to gain certain things from The Best Show on WFMU, I will provide these things in exchange for something from you. No more handouts. I am declaring straight-up WAR against anyone who dares to tell me how to run my show after eight years on the air. As you know, a couple of clowns recently went off on the FOT Board, but, to quote my good friend Declan MacManus (oh, you probably know him as Elvis Costello), their time is officially OVA. Yes, it's just two people, but so what? I'll back it up. I'm not afraid to talk to the man in mirror. Now it's time for ... New Rules! Hold on a sec -- Spike is calling.

**********

- Spike is doing fine, and he seems somewhat concerned that people are giving Tom a hard time. Tom asks him if he's familiar with the Supercaller concept. Spike thinks he deserves that honor. Tom is ready for some changes, and his first order of business is the horrifying move of making Spike the fourth Supercaller, joining Paycheck in Toronto, Dave from Knoxville, and Erika from Baltimore. Spike says that Mike told him that Hillary just won the West Virginia primary. He doesn't think it will do her any good at this point considering her overall delegate deficiencies. Tom has grown tired of Spike's political punditry, Chucky fandom, and doo-wop devotion. Spike urges Tom not to forget about Republican Congressman Vito Fossella, Jr., who was recently arrested for drunk driving and confessed to fathering a child with Sheila Larson out of wedlock. Tom informs Spike that he's not talking to Lynn Samuels. He then bans him from the program until he comes up with some new material. Tom GOMPs him for good measure.

**********

-more-

REGIME CHANGE (page 2)

1. Supercaller status is disabled. All current Supercallers are now stripped of their privileges. They will have to earn their way back to the eternal greenlight. If people want to put me under the microscope, I will examine them at the same level of magnification. Why do people continue to doubt me after all these years?

2. I am leaving the FOT Chat FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done. I do this show for hundreds of thousands of people, not just the 50 people in there.

3. Mike the Associate Producer is on probation. Not really, but I went through his briefcase and discovered some disturbing letters he's been writing to Don Imus to get a job on the ranch this summer. I probably shouldn't go through his stuff, but this is payback for that time he stole all that fudge from my gym bag.

3. Ws and Ls are BACK. I'm not here to mess around. If a couple of chirping birds want me to step it up, I'll step this whole thing up. Let's never forget who has the hammer. (Hint: I do.) Hold on a sec -- Spike called again.

**********

- Tom bans Spike for three years. He tells Mike to let Spike know that he's allowed to call back in 2011.

-more-

REGIME CHANGE (page 3)

4. The Three-Minute Rule. If a caller gives me three bad minutes of chit-chat, I will serve up three minutes of bad radio right back at them. Clowntime is over, and so is Snoozetime. No more Mr. Nice Guys who put me to sleep with their boring stories. I can assure you that my retaliatory material will make you throw your radio out the window. The new crop of callers are unfit to shine the shoes of a 4-year-old Petey -- or even Purple Shirt. Let's face it, the old breed was made from a heartier stock. The most recent harvest has yielded, what, a guy who went to summer camp with Richard Kind? I'll warn you right now: it might be time for me to close ranks and have my payday just like that Jimmy Parton podcast. I would prefer to do a real radio show for everyone free of charge, but I'm weighing my options.

5. The ABBA box is on hiatus. If kicking my blue-felt sidekick out of the studio doesn't indicate that I'm serious about this New Regime, then I don't know what will. We had a heart-wrenching goodbye, and Mike found the ABBA box a few hours later at the Flamingo, drowning its sorrows with a plate of their famous carpaccio and an entire bottle of Absolut® Peppar. He said the interior of the box was filled with tears and my car keys. I forgot I put them in there. It will be tough, but don't worry -- the box is back when Mammi Mia! comes out on July 18th!

6. Respect must be paid to Mike. I've heard reports that callers are talking down to Mike and treating him like a dog. This needs to stop. He should be treated with the same respect that is given to Ernie Anastos per Best Show Law #2. I know, I know, Mike isn't perfect. He has an unhealthy passion for foreign cinema, The Grateful Dead, and Bravo's Work Out. I'm also not a fan of his woeful mentorship of Larry the Perv. And there was that time he called Zeph Marshack a word that started with "f" and ended with "hole" and threatened to throw a shoe in his face. Oh well, Mike is generally a Good Guy and from now on callers must address him as "Sir."

Bugs not hugs!

# # #

Since the phones are silent, Tom considers backing up on some of his New Rules. He's also waiting for the Internet Loudmouth named "todd" to call with three minutes of interesting radio. Tom welcomes any new listeners he gained after speaking earlier today at a local high school. He was attempting to mold the minds of today's youth, but his real mission was to enlist the students in an effort to shut down Savage Grace, a new filth movie starring Julianne Moore.

- The newly-redeemed Herbie from Philadelphia calls to see how the New Regime is coming along. Tom says he's wondering where Herbie might fall within the new parameters. Herbie says he met a celebrity this past weekend: Mr. Ted Leo, who became DJ Ted Leo following a show at the Millcreek Tavern. He thought it was a pretty awesome set even though he didn't really know most of the punk anthems Ted was spinning. Herbie particularly enjoyed seeing the Eng-guh-lund-based Oi! band, Hard Skin, earlier in the evening. Tom thanks him for the exciting call.

- Adam from Toledo, OH, calls to ask permission to suggest replacing the departed ABBA box with the Sly and the Family Stone box set. Tom allows the suggestion, but he quickly denies it because he's not going to just slide another box in its place. I think Adam had Tom confused with Dennis Wise. Tom tells Mike to log 1:30 towards the Three-Minute Rule.

- Costa from Astoria calls to say he likes the Tom that lays down the law. He doesn't like the guys who call with stories and comedy routines. Tom confirms that Costa doesn't enjoy boring calls that contain interesting thoughts that probably don't need to consume valuable airtime. Costa says he deals with the same situation in college when classmates raise their hand to pontificate to the professor. Tom points out that Costa is sick of people telling boring stories on the show, but he just told one of these boring stories! Tom GOMPs him for thinking that being enrolled in college is unique.

- Norm calls from the barren landscape Montague, NJ, to express his enthusiasm for the New Regime. He asks Tom how new callers can improve their on-air performance to avoid GOMPs. Tom recommends calling when you have something interesting to contribute to the topic. Norm thinks this advice is brilliant. He says he will call back when he has something worthwhile to say. Tom thinks he's getting very close to the three-minute threshold, which will trigger a selection from The Beatles. While everybody enjoys the band, Tom warns that this composition will have people clawing their eyes out.



As everyone knows by now, Tom likes to relax before the show at the Panera Bread, firing up his laptop computer and enjoying a nice vegetable sandwich with a cold soda. He mentions the vibrating discs that only very fancy restaurants provide to diners to let them know that their table is ready. The Panera Bread recently added this fun accoutrement to the dining experience. Tom doubts the restaurant will ever get so crowded that it needs to hand out devices in addition to taking customer names. He wonders if they will start asking for a Social Security # before handing over the sandwich he just paid for. Tom sat down and noticed a spectacularly bad kid across from him -- an 8-to-9-year-old that recalled Junior Healy from Problem Child on steroids.

Junior, decked out in Yankees gear from head to toe, rolled in with his mother. Tom considers this attire to be strike 5, especially since the ensemble featured a Jason Giambi jersey. He thinks it's telling that the kid's hero is a muscle man who looks like somebody inflated him with a bicycle pump instead of someone respectable like Derek Jeter. Tom isn't sure if it's accurate to refer to Junior's "poor mother" because she must be at least partly responsible for forming this pinstriped monster. The duo were waiting for their food as Junior clutched the disc, which suddenly illuminated and vibrated. Junior screamed at the top of his lungs as though a snake jumped out of it. Tom says his overreaction would have been more appropriate if the disc cracked open to reveal a parade of cockaroaches like the sink at the end of Creepshow.

At this point Tom realized that his computer would not be the source of his lunchtime entertainment. They retrieved their food, and Junior wolfed down his sandwich in 45 seconds. He then leaned back in his chair like a mini-executive in his office before darting over to the dessert counter. As Junior chanted for dessert and pressed his face closer to his options, his mother suggested a cookie. Tom quotes his intriguing response in full: "I'm never ordering chocolate-pecan cake again." Junior followed his proclamation by running back to his seat and jumping around in his mother's face while making fart-like noises and doing jerk-dance moves. Since he was obviously still hungry, he grabbed half of his mother's sandwich and ate it. Tom is pretty sure he didn't asked her permission. While he watched the performance of Problem Child 2: The Stage Play, he composed tonight's topic: Bad Kids/ Bad Parents. Tom wants to hear some stories about the monsters and the people who shaped them. While he's focusing on the darker side of the parent-child dynamic, he also recently encountered a good kid at Panera Bread. Tom says he was nearly driven to tears after hearing a young boy loudly inform his two sisters and mother that he wanted to get his dad a $1 million gift card for his birthday. It certainly would go a long way at the Denim-Clad Dad outlet.

Tom prepares everyone for the inaugural Three-Minute Rule punishment after hearing Mike tell a potential caller that he wasn't going to last long if he hadn't been listening to the show.

- Brock in Portland, OR, calls while standing next to the giant statue of Pig Champion, the obese and now-deceased frontman for Poison Idea, which is in front of Powell's Books. Tom suspects a lot of marble was used to chisel the likeness of the local legend. During a recent vacation to Crater Lake National Park in Southern Oregon, Brock encountered a family from Texas. He doesn't want to suggest that they are representative of the people from the state. However, Tom gets him to admit that he's saying that most people from Texas behave like this. Brock runs down the gang who emerged from a single Ford pick-up truck with a camper shell (cue clowntime music):

  • Mom (early-40s, heavy smoker)
  • Dad (upper-40s, relied on walker, broken arm)
  • Grandma (heavy smoker, older version of Mom)
  • Son (18 going on 10, spastic)
  • German Shepherd

They family members were climbing on the snow, and the kid started going nuts after being squished into the camper shell for hours on end with his grandmother and the dog. He started grabbing camping supplies and sliding around the snow on the tents, the loud merriment cutting through the placid quietude that typically makes the park so appealing. Brock and his friend were about to leave when the grandmother approached them. He suspected she was going to scold them for snickering at her family, but she asked Brock to talk some sense into her rowdy grandson. Brock notes that he's a long-haired bearded dude who should not be talking to children. He told the lady that there was nothing he could say to set him straight. She asked again, but Brock declined and drove off. Tom wants to know more details about the kid's antics. Brock repeats that he was removing camping supplies from the truck and using the tent as a makeshift snowboard to travel down the mountain. Tom thanks Brock for his story. He seems much more troubled by the grandmother's behavior than the kid's resourceful extreme sporting.



- Brian, 17, calls from Long Island to recount a story from the trenches of a kid's birthday party place. He says that his main duties involve serving pizza and drink refreshments to the hyper kids after they are done with their Moon Bounce session. As he attended to about 30 6- to 7-year-olds during one event, two kids started yelling for more pizza. Brian says he started playing around by ignoring the requests to make his job more entertaining. The kids noticed the poor service and added a zinger to their demands: "More pizza, slave." Tom is very amused by this. Brian says he stared at them without offering any retort. He does give their mothers credit for yelling at the kids and apologizing to him, even though he did think it was funny. Tom warns the kids that they will be serving a lot of pizza with that kind of attitude. Tom remembers that he locked eyes with the Panera troublemaker. He wanted to hold Junior's gaze, and the monster challenged him. He knew that the game was afoot. Tom says he Junior did look away first, but he was about to break it off to avoid looking like a psycho.



- The very talented artist known as Scott T. calls to find out if Tom got the postcard he sent about his upcoming show. Tom did not receive it, but Scott lets everyone know that his Alphaville installation will be showing through June 7th at the Adam Baumgold Gallery in NYC. He also has a quick story about the origins of bad kids: the parents! Scott usually gets out of work at 10 p.m. and rides the subway at 11 p.m.. The presence of kids on the subway at this hour drives him insane. He understands that it's sometimes necessary due to scheduling conflicts, but he doesn't approve of parents who are listening to their hutPods or playing their PSPs while their kids are screaming and crying. Scott thinks it's unacceptable to ignore your children while riding public transportation. Tom thanks him for a top-notch call.



- Tom apologizes to Supercaller Erika from Baltimore for stripping her status, but he wants everyone to get hungry again. Erika says she will try to earn it back, starting with a story about a particularly bad flying experience this past weekend. Prior to taking off the 4-year-old behind her was giggling and shrieking due to the mother's nonstop tickling. Erika and Greg from Baltimore were already a bit nervous about air travel, so this wasn't helping. As the plane lifted off the ground the mother started giving her child high-pitched updates on the plane's altitude progression. Erika had her eyes closed trying to forget what's happening as the mother continued to elicit more noises. Tom says he soothes himself during takeoff by counting to 90, which is the amount of time it would take for somebody to shoot down an aircraft with a missile. Later in the flight Erika heard the mother ask little Aiden if he was familiar with Harvard, aka mommy's alma mater. Tom thinks mommy should shut up. He remembers that last week he called Baltimore-based Dan Deacon a creep. He checked the FOT board after the show and found a lot of posts arguing that Deacon was not a creep. Erika says she felt a little bad assessing him based solely on his YouTube clips, but after double-checking the videos she was comfortable with her initial conclusion. Tom says he might be the nicest guy in the world, but he's still a creep. He is certain that Deacon knows he's playing the creep card and not coming off like a debonair Errol Flynn.

- A guy calls amidst a ridiculous amount of background noise. Tom asks him if it's possible to create even more of a disturbance. The caller explains that he's at a bar. Tom tells him to enjoy the bar and leave his listeners alone. The bottom line: if you are in a bar DO NOT CALL THE BEST SHOW.

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- Ben in Toronto is an incredibly nervous first-time caller, so Tom conducts some breathing exercises: in for five seconds, hold, out for five seconds. Ben is now calm enough to tell a story about a sweet kid with a monster mom. He was walking down the street, and the door to a McDonald's opened into his face. The mother gave him the hairy eyeball as she let the door swing back into her son's arm, knocking his ice cream cone back into his chest. The mother looked back and bluntly noted his predicament: "You're going to drop it, ya idiot." Tom wants to know what is going on in Toronto. He tries to recall the name of the young lady who called last week about getting laughed at when she tumbled onto a Toronto street. Ben thinks it was either Gwen or Gail. He redeems his city by being very polite in wishing Tom a good week. Tom considers moving the show to the CBC to do issues-oriented talk about Loonies and Toonies. He thinks American ingrates are the problem, while T-Dot residents truly get him. Tom hopes to land Cheryl Hickey as one of his first guests. Squeaky seems to like the idea of a "Hickey Talk" segment.



- Mason in Buffalo calls to brag about his past employment at Toys"R"Us. (Not really.) He and his co-workers used to entertain themselves by keeping track of the worst kids they saw in the store. They used a point system, and high-scorers often wore sweatpants, had shoes involving Velcro/lights, or were accompanied by a grandparent who was raising them. Tom compares Mason to Hitler for throwing these kids under the bus by speculating about their family dynamic and primary caregivers. Mason says it's possible that the grandparent was enlisted for the shopping excursion because their mothers were in late-term pregnancies with a sibling. He admits to being a little judgmental, but he doesn't think he's nearly as bad as the Nazi Führer. Tom thinks he may be more like Jerry Falwell, but he wants to move forward.

Mason observed a grandmother trying to drag her grandson away from a Nintendo 64 gaming console. She yanked one arm as he continued to clutch the controller with the other. After she finally pried him loose he started using her stomach as a speed bag. Mason compares the l'il pugilist's appearance to the kid who smashed Li'L Osama Bin Laden's kneecap in Human Giant's "Shutterbugs" sketch. He says that he had a similar pompadour and leather jacket like a small Funzie. Tom suspects that Mason worked at Toys"R"Us in the 1960s, but the incident occurred in the mid-1990s. He wonders if the kid looked like a younger version of Stray Cats drummer, Slim Jim Phantom. Mason says it was more like a Garbage Pail Kid come to life. The bottom line: a very tough-looking 7-year-old was whomping his grandmother in public. Mason says the grandmother removed him from the store by the scruff of his neck. The kid looked back and made eye contact. Mason gave him a head nod to indicate his approval, but the kid gave him the finger in return. Tom applauds him for the obscene gesture. He thinks Mason earned it by turning the beatdown into entertainment instead of restocking a shelf or sweeping an aisle.

- Susannah in Santa Monica calls with a quick story about an unpleasant ride on a SEPTA train. She saw a slovenly-looking woman enter a crowded train with her 3-year-old. The kid broke away and found one of the few empty seats. He was having a good time smiling and singing to himself until the mother barked at him to get out of the seat. He started crying. Tom is forced to GOMP Susannah for filth mouth before she can finish the story.

- Jacque calls, but Tom has to dump him because it sounded like he was pulling back to get ready to pounce. While he might have been the best caller ever, but Tom can no longer takes these chances in the New Regime.

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- Laurie from Miami checks in to see how Squeaky is holding up. Tom says he just walked into another room, but some audible squeaks indicate he's doing well. Tom asks Laurie and the rest of the FOT chatters are scared about the New Rules. Laurie says she has butterflies in her stomach, but Tom thinks loudmouth "todd" is the one who should be nervous. Laurie says she hasn't been paying close attention to the chat fallout, although they did want to let Tom know that Emma from Toronto called last week. Tom wishes all the callers could be like Emma. Laurie is also a fan of this nice, young lady and Rookie of the Year frontrunner. Tom renews his desire to move the show to Canada. Laurie warns Tom about the lady from McDonald's. Tom wonders if Laurie will try to top Ben's bad-mother story with an incident involving one of her servant's kids. Laurie says it involves a trip to the Miami Metro Zoo earlier this year. Tom asks her if she was there to scope out the animals for purchase. Laurie says she wasn't there to buy anything, but she did see the cool giraffes. (She didn't get one.) Within two minutes she saw a bratty kid chasing a beautiful Snowy Egret around the lake at the entrance. Laurie followed her instincts and told the kid to leave it alone. She turned around and gave Laurie an evil eye that suggested she was possessed. The budding ornithadummy then stomped back to her parents, who also stared Laurie down really hard. Laurie doesn't think it's very nice to chase after birds. Tom doesn't like it, either. Laurie requests ABBA's "Hey Hey Helen," but Tom reminds her that the ABBA box is gone. : -(

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- Jacque from New Haven returns with the same sketchy voice he can't deny. When he lived in Brooklyn he saw a toddler wearing a cat mask at an art opening. He later spotted the corresponding mother wearing a full cat suit. Since it was his art opening he had the guts to ask them if they had been to a costume party earlier in the evening. The mother informed him that she's been raising her son in a cat mask because she believes that humans evolved from cats. Tom suspects that she's attempting to breed some kind of supervillain. Jacque says he expected the kid to sound like Squeaky, but he seemed very normal when he talked to him. Tom starts meowing. He thinks this kind of parenting could only occur Cocaine Heights, Brooklyn. Tom is not surprised to find out that Jacque used to live in Williamsburg. He finds it amusing that these two felines could walk through McCarren Park and nobody will blink an eye. Jacque bets that some hipsters would even congratulate them on their "project." Meanwhile, people point and laugh at Tom like he's King Goofball just because he wears oversized sunglasses. Jacque says he prefers New Haven. Tom commends him on a successful first call.

- A very, very nervous Tough Guy Todd from Chicago calls to show everyone how it's done. Tom suspends the topic and puts him on the clock to come up with his own interesting material. TGT argues that he's been unfairly lumped in with Robert Spleen because he was just suggesting that someone skip the parts of the show they don't like. Tom tells TGT that he's worse than James and refuses to throw him into the Hate Pit because even Mickey Dolenz is too good for him. He swiftly GOMPs the Internet agitator. TGT returns to back up all of his talk by contributing to the topic. Tom bans him for 11 years despite his persistence.

- PD takes a break from visiting friends in the new hottspot of Bayonne to talk about his days working the register at a charitable organization that sold a lot of toys to kids and parents alike. A young lady and her child approached the counter with a large number of toys. After ringing up the items PD asked the kid if he also wanted to purchase the toy in his hand. PD says he would have loved to dole out free toys, but he was trying to raise funds for the charity. Tom points out that the standard transaction in any retail environment is to hand someone money in exchange for goods. The query went unanswered as the mother stood there in silence. PD looked at the child, the mother, and then back at the child. At this point he had no choice but to retrieve the toy and place it in the restocking bin. The child started to cry and followed him over to the bin. PD informed him that he had to take this course of action if the mother was not willing to pay for the additional toy. After he put the toy in the bin, the kid slapped him on the arm. PD did not fight back since he was so small. The mother stood there like a statue and did nothing. Tom says he would have given the kid a little shove. PD says such a move would likely be bad for the charity's public image. He continues to explain why he wouldn't fight back, but Tom cuts him off because everyone already got it.

- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville gets blindsided by the painful news that Tom stripped his title. He was unaware that the Supercallers were extinct because he just got home from a concert, presumably Yes performing "in the round" at the Tennessee Theatre. Dave takes it very hard. New Show, New Regime, New Rules. Tom wants him to get hungry. Dave didn't think he needed to be on-topic, so Tom lets it slide for just this call. He will demand more focus from everyone, including former Supercallers, going forward. Dave promises to continue to give Tom his full attention.

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Dave starts the next phase of his FOT career by telling Tom something before he heard about it in a roundabout way at some party. In a nutshell, he has a book with an official ISBN #. 1-0. Tom congratulates him and wonders at what party such a conversation would ever take place. Dave says his book may have come up at one of the big cardboard industry conferences Tom often attends in Atlantic City. He co-authored Journey Through Calculus: An Implementation Guide, a textbook that helps people navigate the terrible JTC software package, a remnant of the early days of interactive e-learning. Tom doubts the book will turn Dave into the next Mitch Albom, and Dave has little hope for a sequel. He says the movie rights are still available because the book was only on the market for four days. However, it's existence can be verified by putting the ISBN into Google and following the result to a Chinese spreadsheet containing Dave's name and the book's title. Tom wishes he could reinstate Dave's Supercaller status.

Dave says he was unable to get through with his Creepopedia entry last week because Mike needed to help Zachary Brimstead get through the studio door. Tom reports that Mike is still a little greasy from all that oily oil. He grants Dave residual Supercaller status to revisit an old topic. Dave is creeped out when bands with only one original member tour under the original name. He cites Steppenwolf ft. John Kay and Jethro Tull ft. Ian Anderson as prime offenders. I'd add Bulletboys ft. Marq Torien. Dave thinks it's even worse when a band elevates an unknown member to a feature billing, such as Iron Butterfly ft. Steve McGreevy. Tom thinks Dave is 100% right. Dave is scared about being back in the pack with the rest of the wolves. He compares it to being like Henry Kissinger after the fall of the Nixon administration. Tom assures him that it's not that bad. Dave trusts his judgment.

- Tough Guy Todd goes out by quoting from Airplane!, the 1980 comedy rendered really unfunny by the passage of time. Tom wants to remove all existing copies from circulation.

- Spike makes an ultra- rare second-hour call to find out if Tom, Tom, Tom is off his meds again. He's worried because Tom ushered in the New Regime with banishments and demotions for some of the regulars. In an abrupt reversal of his earlier three-year ban, Tom invites Spike to come down to WFMU to do three hours of radio. He agrees to work the boards as Spike plays tracks from his doo-wop collection and talks to special guest Lynn Samuels. Tom suggests that Spike send Lynn a nice e-mail to ask her to appear on his show since he's a frequent caller to her show. Spike says he'll have to check his schedule because he books his dungeon appointments well in advance. Tom points out that he appears to be free on Tuesday nights because he calls every week. Spike says he will hire some of his regular clients to help him re-arrange his busy schedule. Tom thought he might assign the task to Saxophone Joe from the Soup Kitchen. He considers just permanently handing over the show Spike following the proposed guest spot. (Ronald "Tex" Fuqua, wherever he may be, is probably very jealous and/or livid.) Spike says the offer sounds quite tempting. Tom doesn't like the way he says "tempting," and he never wants to tempt him again. Spike promises to get back to Tom after he works out his scheduling issues. Tom says the hosting gig will not happen anytime soon because he need enough time to build up to letting Spike drive the bus. He considers taking that week off and surprising Mike with Spike and Steve Blue. It's worth noting that Spike turned down a similar offer during the 2006 Marathon.

topcatspike.pngSpike mentions that Julie from Cincinnati called last week with a birthday request to talk to him. Tom hears Spike clanging around like Top Cat trying to dig through the trash for a dinner consisting of a fishbone served atop a garbage can lid. Spike says he much too civilized to consume such a meal. Tom is glad that he doesn't get his eating habits from a cartoon cat. Tom never thought he'd say it, but he asks JfC to call to take advantage of her chance to talk to Spike. He asks Spike if he plans Iron Man or any other new movies. Spike says he heard about Iron Man from Lynn, Howard, and some of his co-workers. Tom thinks they were probably talking about it because it's playing in 9,000 theaters and everyone on Earth has seen it. Spike says they also mentioned the box-office smash, Speed Racer. Tom wants to see it because it looks very relatable, and the marketing campaign promises the film contains no CGI enhancements. Spike prefers the early Warner Brothers cartoons and Hanna-Barbera productions to modern computer animation where things look real. Tom also longs for a return to the good old days of the herky-jerky McGilla Gorilla and Thor's stiff-armed hammer strikes. Tom GOMPs Spike after realizing that he was having an actual conversation with him.

Tom is amazed that Spike managed to squeeze five minutes out of him. Mike thinks the call should count towards the TMR, but Tom found it weirdly engaging. He's looking forward to hearing selections from Spike's stack of Orioles, Del Vikings, and Platters records when he takes over the airwaves. Tom also hopes that Spike will be able to book doo-wop legend Johnny Maestro for an interview. He sings a bit of JM & the Brooklyn Bridge's rendition of Jimmy Webb's "The Worst That Could Happen," a tune he can't imagine anybody really wanted back then. Tom thinks the song is an example of a fraudulent local hit that rose up the Billboards chart just because Mr. Maestro was a very pushy self-promoter.

- Stan in Parsippany calls, and Tom asks him for the zip code. "Stan" eschews digits in favor of "James James James." Tom believes that James aka Jeremy is going crazy because his low-grade toupee glue is seeping into his scalp. Tom says that he thought Jeremy was a Jack Hanna-like animal expert when he encountered him at the 2007 WFMU Record Fair. He suspected he was there to show off his animal collection, including the mongoose on his head. Tom started petting it, and then the worst-looking toupee he's even seen bit him. He believes that Jeremy's real hair is down to Ed Harris levels -- the letter "C" shaped around the side of his head like a hair headband. Tom reminds listeners that Jeremy was extremely nervous when he met him because he knew he did something bad. I think Jeremy's mommy should put his cell phone and computer on top of the refrigerator where he stores his hairpieces to prevent further Jamesings. Tom is confident that other people will attest to the massive amount of sweat pouring off of sad James. Tom is willing to bet everything that the sicko will write him an apology for tonight's attack. He searches for a previous punctuation-free missive to read over the air. If James has no respect for Tom, Tom will have no respect for James. He finds one:

Tom its me I may be drunk but I love the show I mean that it not because Im drunk mhairi says youll unfriend me but its not true I didn't call because of respect I love the show please never stop doing it its the funniest thing in the world you shoudnt limit yourself I love the show -- king jeremy the wicked haha ps today i bit the recess ladys breast she unleashed a lion!

Tom urges anyone who knows James/Jeremy to get him some help.

- Alex from Parsippany gets dumped because he hails from the same town as "Stan from Parsippany," who was actually Jeremy from Poughkeepsie, NY. Tom imagines that Jeremy is freaking out as he paces around his basement apartment and talks to James, who tells him to destroy the things he loves because nobody ever liked him. When Jeremy decides to finally push his alter-ego to his death, he ends up falling out of his window because James is not real.

- Ted Leo nearly gets dumped because James has given Tom a quick trigger. Ted thinks Tom went really deep with his psychoanalysis of James. Tom pictures James fitting right into the book with the guy who crushes the little rabbit. Ted knows the character in question is George, but he can't place the title. Tom initially thought it was The Grapes of Wrath. He claims Mike has no idea what it is, but he's actually been shouting the correct Steinbeck work - Of Mice and Men - 11 times. Ted suggests examining James's parents to gain insight into his destructive behavior.



Tom ponders the horrors of being a 22-year-old who is forced to go toupee shopping. Ted thinks that could cause a lot of problems, and he's actually feeling some pathos for James. Tom wants Ted to write a song about him called "James James James." Ted is receptive to the idea because he's been trying to simplify his music. Tom compares Ted's follow-up to Living with the Living to Dylan stripping things down post-Blonde on Blonde. Ted enjoys this analogy. Tom calls it a "cooldown period," but Ted says he's actually trying to "hot it up." Tom is less successful in his attempt to link Ted's new approach to Cheap Trick shifting from One on One to The Doctor. Ted admits that he's not too familiar with this period of the band. Tom says he shouldn't be.

Ted generally agrees that parents should bear the blame for the bad behavior of their kids. However, there are some rogue youngsters that chart their own, divergent paths. Exhibit A: Theodore F. Leo. Ted has two younger brothers, who are 4 and 5 years his junior, and he wielded a lot of instigatory influence over this "dynamic duo of terror" at the expense of giving their mother an undeserved hard time. He brags a bit about the family weekend getaways to The Poconos, where they stayed at ritzy hotels featuring staircases lined with mechanical chairs to assist disabled guests. Ted recalls convincing his brothers to ride these chairs as their parents checked in at the front desk. The chairs broke as actual disabled people waited to ascended to their rooms. Ted accepts the blame for that one. He also admits to fanning the flames when his brothers got into arguments at the IHOP. Ted would whisper into one brother's ear to direct him to pour maple syrup on the other brother. Tom makes sure that Ted didn't pull these stunts at Holsten's. Ted says he eventually got over this mischievous phase and righted the ship.



Tom cuts him some slack because all that pent-up fraternal energy is enough to drive anyone nuts. He's certain that Ted plans to give off some energy while killing it during some exciting summer shows. Ted mentions his free show on July 17th at Castle Clinton in Battery Park. Tom hopes that James shows up and gets attacked by a seagull swooping down to snatch what it believes is prey. He's particularly giddy at the prospects of a hawk mistaking James's ratty rug for a boll weevil scampering across his head. Tom was actually referring to Ted's upcoming dates opening some arena shows for the Seattle-based rock group, Pearl Jam. Ted says he's a little reticent to talk about it because it's a realm beyond his experience. Tom thinks it will be AWESOME!

Ted says the chance to play Madison Square Garden sealed the deal for him. Tom hopes TLRx are not the band that forces Eddie Vedder to tell the crowd to be cool a la George Harrison's pre-emptive promises to play a lot after Ravi Shankar. Ted recalls Joe Strummer making similar announcements when Grandmaster Flash and Sam & Dave opened shows for The Clash. He also saw Beat Happening's Calvin Johnson get beaned in the head with an ashtray while attempting to open for Fugazi. Tom commends Johnson for continuing to play and proving that he wasn't as soft as the cat doodles on his album covers might lead one to believe. He thinks standing there with a bloodied face like a member of ANTiSEEN is a true punk move. Mike informs Tom that Strummer would only come out after the opening act had been disrespected to chastise the crowd for their behavior. Ted seems disappointed, but he shant speak ill of the deceased. Tom already had tickets to these shows via the $15,000/year JamPass®, which gets him a seat in the first 40 rows to all Pearl Jam shows. He's pleased to get a set from Ted as a bonus. Ted hopes they share some of those profits with the opening band. Tom assures him that he will be able to purchase a (very little) house (that only dolls can live in) with the paycheck from these gigs.

Tom tells Ted about a recent visit to a Jamba Juice outlet at the glorious Palisades Mall in West Nyack, N.Y. He was very impressed by the full-size Ferris Wheel in the Food Court -- far superior to the rickety ride at the Bowcraft Amusement Park or the death wheels in the parking lot at the Italian Festa. Tom says the mall also featured a Merry-Go-Round, a bowling alley, and an IMAX theater showing Speed Racer. He plans to go back to try to get into a screening. Ted suggests trading some Pearl Jam tickets for a spot. Tom doesn't care for that suggestion. And but so Tom just wanted a regular orange juice, but the kid behind the counter rushed him. He felt the pressure of someone standing behind him and ordered some lumpy, sherbert-based monstrosity for $8. Ted says he's not even sure if plain juice is actually on the menu. Tom thought he found it, but the 2,300-calorie shake in his hand suggested otherwise. When the kid delivered the drink he alerted Tom to a sign instructing customers to taste it to see how it turned out and then ring the bell on the counter if it was great. Tom turned around on his heel and walked away because he was in no mood to play any corporate games after paying $8 for juice. He took a sip and threw it in the garbage. Ted is alarmed to discover that Jamba Juice is now offering weird foodstuffs like pretzels injected with mozzarella cheese. However, he does plan to try to get signed to Jamba Juice Records after his Touch and Go contract expires. Tom points out that T&G is a cool label boasting a catalog of bands like Didjits, Killdozer, Die Kreuzen, Sister Sheila (that one Albini EP), Urge Overkill, and Negative Approach ft. John Brannon.

99centkfc.png

Before he lets him go, Tom has one final item for Ted: the commercial he saw for the KFC 99-Cent menu. He thought it was absurd that one guy was amazed that you could get a sandwich featuring the lowest-grade chicken on Earth at that price-point. Meanwhile, the lucky customer is nursing it as though this White Castle-size item is a satisfying meal. Tom estimates that it would take one normal bite and a thin second bite to polish it off. He believes that true sandwiches contain meat like the egret that used to be on atop James's head or scary, wild turkeys. Tom's not sure what we are going to do with Ted Leo other than go see him in concert and buy his new album if when it comes out. He bids Ted a goodnight and then condemns everyone for daring to do things that are not good. Mike thinks the New Regime has a harder edge. Tom reluctantly compares it to late-period Rollins Band records like Get Some Go Again.


[SEGUE!!!!]



- A caller says his parents were pretty normal relative to the stories he's heard tonight. Tom asks him if he's observed any Bad Parent/Bad Kid incidents over the years. The caller says he's definitely seen some flare-ups over at the ritzy Short Hills Mall. He's more than pleased to just stick to the friendlier confines of Newbridge Commons. Tom agrees that Short Hills is pretty horrendous. The caller identifies himself as Bill, Tom's longtime friend and co-worker at the double-C. Bill says this is actually the first time he's tuned into The Best Show. He thinks it's cool to hear Tom's voice on the radio after hearing such great things about the program ... until recently.

Tom asks Bill why he didn't show up on Saturday for his scheduled start in the medium-pitch softball showdown against Softbridge. Bill is very distraught and apologies for missing the big game. He says he had to visit his mother in the hospital because she was in a really bad way. Tom is understandably concerned about her condition. Bill says his family was scared because things were very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile, but she eventually finished all of her work. Tom was under the impression that she was sick, so he's not entirely sure what work was completed. Bill says that Tom must have misunderstood him because his mother was never admitted into the hospital as a patient. He says that he indicated that she worked at the hospital. Tom says that phrases like "really bad way" and "touch-and-go" led him to conclude that she was stricken with some serious health issues. Bill says that she was just super swamped with work and barely got it done in time.



After leaving the hospital, Bill walked across the street to the new Barnes & Noble store. Tom says he wasn't aware of a B&N near the Newbridge Presbyterian Hospital. Bill denies ever saying that he was at any local hospital on Saturday. He actually went to see his mother at Newbridge Document Destruction, a paper-shredding service that does work for the hospital. Bill says his mom had a lot of reams of paper to shred. The revelation prompts Tom to ask Bill why he said that he was visiting his mom at the hospital. Bill thinks Tom's misunderstanding is leading him to read too much into his story. He explains that Newbridge Episcopalian-Lutheran Hospital is one of NDD's main clients. They have a lot of reams that need to be shred, and his mom was assigned to shred these reams. Tom asks Bill to stop saying "reams" because it's making him uncomfortable. Bill says he was just trying to explain that he missed the softball game due to very important and unforeseen circumstances. Tom still doesn't understand why he decided to say it in a way that suggested his mom was sick. Bill says that was just the way it came out.

sfivefirst.pngHe arrived at NDD at 10:30 a.m. on Saturday, about an hour before gametime, and Tom suggests that he still had time to make it to the nearby game. Bill reminds Tom that he stopped at the B&N, which was hosting a once-in-a-lifetime experience: an in-store book signing with Dick Francis. Bill owns all of the author's equine-themed books, and he couldn't miss the chance to have him autograph his new novel. Tom says he's also a bit of a Francis buff, but he didn't even know that he published a new book. Bill says it's called The Horse That Went Away To The Other Side. Tom chuckles at the dubious and unwieldy title before checking it out on Amazon. Bill tells Tom that the online research is unnecessary. Tom says that he's interested in finding out more about it since he's a fan. Bill thinks Tom will be equally interested to know that he got him a signed copy. Tom appreciates the gift and asks Bill if he can bring it to CC tomorrow. Bill starts stammering and then gets very upset upon realizing that the book itself went away to the other side. He swears that he just saw it, and now it appears that somebody (possibly his roommates) stole it from his residence within the last two minutes. Bill thinks the literary heist stinks, and he hopes they didn't also snatch the Kurt Vonnegut books he got signed at B&N. Tom confirms with Mike that Vonnegut has passed on. Bill says that Tom misunderstood him once again. He had Dick Francis sign several Vonnegut first editions, including a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five in christine prediction. Tom asks Bill why he would get Dick Francis to sign rare Kurt Vonnegut books. Bill now realizes that Tom is certainly not a collector by any stretch of the imagination. He explains that there is a huge market for unusually signed items. Bill says that he's quoted extensively in an upcoming Esquire lidblower on the scene. Tom believes that Bill is weaving an unnecessary tale about why he couldn't make the softball game. Bill assures him that he's not weaving anything.

He's currently selling an incredible item on eBay: a Baltimore Colts helmet signed by French actor Gerard Depardieu. Bill says there is talk that the helmet belonged to Hall of Fame quarterback Johnny Unitas. The high bid is up to $2,500, and he plans to verify its authenticity when it sells. Tom requests the URL because it sounds like a cool item, but Bill doesn't want to waste any airtime reviewing his auction. He says his best piece is going for way more than the helmet. He asks Tom if he's ever heard of The White Album. Tom is indeed familiar with The Beatles record, and Bill has a copy signed by all four members ... and Peter Benchley, the author of Jaws and The Deep. Tom is baffled by the inclusion of Benchley in what would otherwise be a prized collectible for Beatles enthusiasts. Bill says he met Benchley at JawsCon (presumably one of Paul Higgins's Conventions, Inc. productions) in the late-1990s, and the only thing he had for him to sign was The White Album, which he always keeps in his car. Tom wonders why he stores a rare item featuring autographs from two deceased Beatles in his vehicle. Bill says VW Bugs are pretty airtight, and he's never heard about any break-ins. Tom is unable to weigh in on the issue because he hasn't been keeping up with the track record of the vehicle's theft protection.

Bill says that he's trying to sell his collection of unusual autographs to raise funds for his upcoming Pancake Election Supper. He plans to discuss his candidacy with Tom off-air. Bill is surprised that The White Album bidding is up to $90,000 because some of the signatures are kind of illegible. Benchley used a laundry marker to personalize the piece with "To Bill, watch out or old Jaws is gonna get you!" followed by approximately 50 dun-duns to mimic the film's ominous theme music. Bill says that Benchley's extensive prose bled into the signatures of George Harrison and John Lennon. He thinks it's kind of a bummer that they now look like "Jim Harvey" and "Jop Lester." Tom says he just checked eBay and found no trace of this item. Bill says it's probably listed under one of the site's "secret auctions." Tom reminds Bill that he doesn't have to lie because missing one softball game is not that big of a deal. Bill says he's just providing several good reasons for not being able to attend. He can't wrap his head abound why Tom is convinced that he's lying. Tom is reluctant to discuss it on the air, but he reveals that Bill has a history of spreading lies. Bill is surprised to hear this and wants to hear an example from his dishonest past.

Tom recalls that back in junior high Bill told everyone that he had Tears For Fears' The Seeds of Love, their follow-up to the multi-platinum smash Songs from the Big Chair, a year before its official release. Bill insists that he got the advance tape from his uncle, who worked for their label. Tom wants to know why he never brought it to school despite repeated requests from many of his classmates. Bill says he told everyone at the time that his mommy punished him for being bad by placing the tape on top of the refrigerator. Tom disputes the idea that it was now out of reach because Bill was one of the tallest kids in the class. Bill confirms that he earned all-conference honors as the starting center on the basketball team. He says the retrieval was further complicated by two potential hiding places: the main refrigerator in the kitchen or the one in the garage where his daddy kept his beloved steaks. Tom quizzically repeats the word "steaks," so Bill tells the culindummy that they are dead animals. Tom says he's heard of steaks. Bill argues that all food consists of dead animals, but Tom says that vegetables are edible non-animals that are good for you. Bill refutes their nutritional value and skips them because they taste terrible.



Tom doesn't understand why he couldn't just check both refrigerators. Bill says that was impossible because both appliances stood 11-feet high. Tom assumes there was a chair that he could have used to boost himself over the top. Bill says his mommy didn't want the kids playing around on her furniture, especially after an incident where he and his brother, Paddy, threw handburgers at each other. One of the patties was ground into woven fibers of mommy's favorite wicker chair during the course of the food fight. Tom asks Bill why he refers to his parents using the childlike "mommy" and "daddy." Bill says that these are the standard terms used in his family. Tom prefers to say "mom" and "dad," but Bill thinks these terms are disrespectful. He wants Tom to ask call screener Bobby what he calls his parents. Mike sides with Tom and notes that he dropped the -my and -dy at age six. Bill does not approve of this super lack of respect.



Bill says that grinding the meat into the wicker chair elicited beatings the likes of which he hasn't known before or since. Tom stands firm in his disbelief about Bill's inability to get the Tears For Fears cassette. He's willing to let that slide, but he's less forgiving about the Krull action figures Bill claimed he purchased at K-Mart. Tom says that after Bill bragged about them at school, he begged his mom to take him to K-Mart to pick up his own set. After trying five stores, he realized that the fontasy figurines were only stocked on the shelves of Bill's equally fontastical mind. Bill says that Tom must have misunderstood him because he said he got the figures at Kay-Bee Toys. Tom says that there were no KayBee outlets in the area. He sees this latest lie as part of the same pattern Bill has exhibited for as long as he's known him. Bill disagrees with that perspective. Tom wants to leave all the lies in the past and move forward. He assumes taht Bill did get the Vonnegut books signed by Francis along with The Horse That Went Away To The Other Side, which was then stolen during this call. Tom asks Bill why he didn't just come to the game after his B&N session.



Bill says that by 11:30 a.m. he was already watching himself on a television monitor while attending a taping of Saturday Night Live. Tom points out that SNL airs at 11:30 p.m. Bill isn't sure of the exact time because both of his watches were stolen, but it was definitely in the morning. Tom informs him that SNL doesn't do the show in the morning. Bill calls Tom a teledummy and a dunce for not knowing that the cast runs through the show twice on Saturday. Tom, who knows his television, says they do a dress rehearsal at 7:00 p.m. prior to the live broadcast. Bill says he was there in Scranton, PA, watching Steve Carell talking to his co-workers in an office in an SNL sketch. Tom wants to know why Bill continues to tell stories of escalating levels of insanity as a cover for missing a softball game. He tells Bill that Carell was filming scenes for his sitcom, The Office. Bill realizes that Tom probably misunderstood him because Carell is hosting SNL this week. Tom says that while Carell is hosting the season finale he didn't misunderstand Bill at all. He'll let it go to further explore the Scranton taping. Bill says that he appeared in a scene that was later s hitcanned from the show. He's not sure what time it was because he only had his wallet and cell phone with him. Tom asks him why he didn't look at the clock on his phone. Bill says his high-death cell phone doesn't have a time readout. Tom has never heard of this type of device. Bill says it make up for its lack of timekeeping by allowing him to stay in constant contact with Nassau. Tom thinks he's referring to the capital city of the Bahamas. Bill calls Tom an astrodummy for not recognizing the name of the space company. Tom informs him that the "company" is called NASA.

Bill says that he played a new Dunder-Mifflin hire named Troy in the scene that was cut. Tom decides to not even ask how Bill landed the part. Bill says producers saw him in the live studio audience and thought he'd be great in the role. Tom tells Bill that The Office is not taped in front of a live studio audience. Bill says that the 300 people who were there would disagree. He claims that he riffed with Carell as he worked the crowd for an hour before the taping began. Bill wants to know why Tom is doing this to him. Tom points out that the show's fictional universe is set in Scranton, but it's filmed in California. Bill says he'd like to see Tom tell that to the 400 people who were there. Tom says that missing a softball game is the most inconsequential thing ever, but the lies surrounding the absence keep getting crazier. Bill thinks Tom's whereabouts on Monday are also crazy. He's not sure where he was, but he knows it wasn't the John McCain rally at Newbridge Commons. Tom says he didn't even know about it. Bill says he was there and got the Presidential hopeful to sign his copy of Peter Criss's Out of Control. On the way back from the rally he helped Donald Trump change a flat tire on his limo. Tom doesn't understand why he does this. Bill says he's just telling him about stuff from his life. Tom suspects it's some weird desire to be a bigshot. Bill says he's just telling it like it is, and he wants to hear about something Tom did yesterday. Tom says he went to work and then had dinner at the buffet. Bill says that Trump was so appreciative of his help (the limo driver had apparently run off) that he paid for his house as a reward. Tom is confused because Bill lives in the weird apartment complex that is above the abandoned battling cage place. Bill clarifies that Trump didn't buy him a house. He bought him the House season 5 DVD set. Bill thinks the titular doctor has a very rude bedside manner.

Tom lets him slide on the tall Trump tale, but the fifth season is not out on DVD because the fourth season is currently airing on Fox. Bill insists that he's holding the box in his hand right now. He's watched the first half of the fifth season, and he reports that House's bedside manner is worse than the doctor at the hospital where his mom works. Tom notes Bill's return to the first of his 18 lies. Bill says the hospital is simply one of his mom's large clients. He was referring to the doctor that NDD employs in case people get their hands blown out and torched by the high-powered shredders that typically run really hot. Bill says that he discovered that these accidents are very common at paper-shredding businesses while researching his desert station on workplace injuries. Tom isn't sure what a "desert station" is, and Bill remembers that he has explain things because Tom never went to college. Tom points out that Bill meant to say "dissertation" and never attended college, either.. Bill says that he eventually completed an e-mail correspondence course and earned D.A. degree in workplace injuries, which stands for Doctorate of All. Tom doesn't think it stands for that and wants to know why Bill continues to lie. Bill denies lying and accuses Tom of telling his fair share of lies over the years. Tom wants to hear about a time he lied to Bill.



Bill says that back in July 1998 Tom promised to meet him at the Battler Butler trough at Ye Olde Burger Barn at 7 p.m prior to going to a Dokken Prong show. When Bill arrived at 6:45 Tom was already there. Tom laughs at the notion that arriving early for a meetup constitutes lying. Bill sarcastically thanks Tom for being a good friend. He says that Tom's lies continue to sicken him. Tom wants to know how many lies Bill spouted during his last rant. Bill says he was just truthfully shooting from the hip. Tom concludes that Bill has a problem.

Bill asks Tom to guess where he was last week when he was out of the office. Tom didn't notice that he took the week off, but he'll take his word for it. Bill admits that he lied to their boss, Old Man Dalrymple, about having stress throat so he could accompany Senator McCain on a renaissance mission in Iraq. He says it was a wild, nutty trip. Bill wants Tom to guess what he did over there. Tom correctly guesses that he drove a tank, flew a plane, shot somebody, and saved somebody. Bill says he saved a bunch of people. Tom senses that Bill is starting to lose enthusiasm for his own lying. Bill denies lying about serving in Iraq, but he's not entirely sure that he was actually there last week. He does know that he had a great time entertaining the troops with his bass playing. Bill's energy continues to fade as he informs Tom that the troops loved his performances. He says that Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf was particularly into his bass sounds. Tom points out that Schwarzkopf is retired and has nothing to do with the current Iraq occupation. Bill says Pete Rose, George Clooney, Wynona, and a couple of the Go-Go's were also there. Tom asks Bill if he really intends to keep lying like this. Bill denies lying and vows to return to Iraq for another tour. At this point Tom thinks Bill is just sad. He asks him if he plans to hang out on the phone for the final seven minutes of the show. Bill offers a lethargic "Naaah" in response. He gives the same answer to whether he intends to hang up. However, he does it anyway. Tom feels drained by Bill's nonstop barrage of lies.

He decides to go see Speed Racer at IMAX. Mike agrees to meet him at the Palisades Mall, which is supposedly sinking because it's too heavy for the (Viking burial) ground its built on. Tom is only concerned about it sinking while he's there. Otherwise, it's a paradise on Earth with every imaginable store. Tom asks Mike to name a place that might be in a mall. Mike offers silly suggestions like the defunct Sam Goody and Crazy Eddie. Tom runs down some of the key Palisades offerings:

  • Spencer's Gifts
  • Fat Burger
  • Chess King
  • Cheesecake Factory
  • Best Buy
  • Price Club
  • Dave & B_Buster's
  • Bowling Alley

Tom brings back Open Phone Tuesday for the final four-minute push. The phones are dead because everybody preferred the Old Regime where they could goof around like the students in Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" video. Tom thinks VH is one of the biggest shell games ever perpetrated on America's youth -- drummer who could barely drum, bass player who could barely play bass, and a singer who could barely sing. He does not consider DLR's yelps to be legit singing. Tom wonders what happened to the good old days Rudy Vallee and other guys who could actually hold a tune.

- Connor in DC is not calling from the Dischord House, but he is now familiar with the historic residence after Tom recently took him to task. Tom asks Connor if he's excited about the High Back Chairs reunion. Connor admits that he's not a huge fan of the Dischord label. Tom suspects he's more of a Simple Machines guy. Conner says he prefers the music put out by the Durham, NC-based Merge Records. Tom asks Connor to name his favorite Merge release, and he says Lambchop, which is a band. Tom wonders if Nixon is Connor's favorite Lambchop record, but he GOMPs him before he can respond.

- Jedediah from Brooklyn, a member of the Danielson Family, calls with a short-and-sweet contribution to the topic. He was waiting for the bus yesterday morning in the pouring rain when a woman walked by with her eight-year-old son. The son turned around and punched her in the stomach. Jedediah saw the mother wince, so he clearly landed a solid body shot. If this happened to Tom, he would tell his kid to go pick a switch in the middle of Brooklyn so he could whip him with it on the street in front of everybody. Since the Brooklyn equivalent of picking a switch is picking up a dime bag of drugs, Tom says Brooklyn parents would probably opt for a white belt whipping or a kickball to the head. Tom thanks a Good Guy for the call. Jedediah thanks a Great Guy for taking it.

- Mike from Morristown 07960 calls to throw some flowers at the New Regime and nominate $mall Change for Minister of Culture. Tom is ready to clamp down and weed out the boring weaklings. Mike from Morristown is cheering for a W, and Mike in the studio declares the show a straight-up W.

- Dania from Humboldt Park, Chicago casts another vote for a W. Tom tries to gauge Dania's immersion into local culture by asking her if she's enjoying a pizza topped with relish and the play of the first-place Cubs. Dania says she skipped pizza tonight and roots for the Brewers because she lived in Milwaukee before moving to the Big City. Tom wants Dania to name two of the great bands from Chicago. She mentions Tortoise, who are not great, and fails to cite any other groups because she doesn't really feel like thinking. Tom thinks that sums it up. He bids Dania goodnight. He strongly urges non-thinkers to think twice about calling the show.

- John from Boston shows off with his fancy iPhone stream and wants to know more about Mike from Morristown. Tom says he's a fan who calls from time to time. John thought he was very entertaining, but Tom points out that he just talked for 90 seconds and then said goodnight. John says that he was laughing at all of Mike from Morristown's nonsense the one other time he listened to the show. Tom has had enough.

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- Greg in Phoenix, AZ, is thrilled to get to speak to Tom, but Tom is less thrilled that he sounds like Canadian journalist, Nardwuar. Tom realizes that if he moves The Best Show to Canada, he'll get to mix it up with Nard instead of American clowns like The Jerky Boys. He's really tired of the U.S.-Canada quality gap.

- Brian from Chicago thanks Tom for changing the Chicago stereotypes from political corruption and organized crime to weird food. Tom is wondering if Chicago will manage to throw the 2008 election with a shoebox full of votes. Brian thinks the voter fraud will somehow involve putting relish on pizza. Tom says he doesn't have any time for such silliness.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Gord and Chris from Toronto return to "reclaim their rightful throne" under the New Regime, Montgomery Davies praises Panera Bread's new vibratory alert system and proposes some additional attachments, and Bill tries to sell Tom a first edition of Dave from Knoxville's Journey Through Calculus: Incorporating Your Mathematical Values Into The Workplace autographed by Matthias Jabs, Goose Gossage, Alec John Such, Michio Kaku, and Harold Ford, Jr.


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For Spike:


Comments

Geez, Omar, you're a funny writer. We need to find a way to make this pay for you. I am all for using your recaps as the meat of Tom's first book.

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