"Yeah, she's dead! She's not involved in this election. You goofball." -- Tom, informing Spike that hardcore feminist Andrea Dworkin will not impact the 2008 Presidential race
"You know, 'cause he's like an old-time Viking, he knows all the ways of the old-time Vikingery ways of, uh, murdering." -- Rodney from Newbridge, revealing why Hägar the Doo-Wopper easily disposed of a member of The Moonglows
"Show me a logo that's dumber than a leprechaun promoting a basketball team." -- Tom, denouncing the basketball-spinning, pipe-smoking, vest-wearing, shillelagh-wielding Celtics mascot
"We're skewing old. I gotta skew young. What am I going to do to skew young tonight? Grand Theft Auto, y'all! What up?!" -- Tom, getting things back on track after a diversion into doo wop, Wacky Packs, and Murphy beds
"That's kind of a metaphor for my life, actually. Bad onion rings at Holsten's." -- Ted Leo, encapsulating his existence via subpar Sopranos communion wafers
"Oh, I wish I was making up Disco Fries." -- Tom, lamenting the sad truth about New Jersey's take on poutine
[More to come.]
"Oh, come on! The wall's buckling, you idiot." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., expressing frustration at Mike's inability to squeeze him through the studio doorframe
"Oh, yeah. It's good when it ripens." -- ZB, touting the fermented egg salad atop a six-week-old submarine sandwich
"They're easier to hose out that way. We got them from the local horse racing track." -- ZB, explaining his decision to use metal buckets as serving vessels at his new Brimstead's eateries
"He beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund." -- ZB on Weird Walter's weapon of choice in the new Trent L. Strauss production
"That oil is oily, yeah. A lot of my lovers have complained about it." -- ZB on the extreme slickness of his preferred lubricant
"Thought Police in effect, here they are! Yeah. You're worse than Officer Harrups." -- ZB, condemning Tom for waving off the second verse of Napalm Death's anti-corporate screed, "Polluted Minds"
"Well, I'll make that headache go away right now! Answer me one question: Do ya love Deicide?" -- ZB, attempting to soothe Tom's pain with something from the Tampa, FL., death metal legends
"Maybe that guy there will sign my petition. He looked like a Nazi." -- ZB, considering a visit to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to get his 37th signature
[More to come.]
King's X - "We Are Finding Who We Are" (for DfK)
( Click here to buy Faith Hope Love)
The Night Marchers - "Bad Bloods"
( Click here to buy See You In Magic)
Sloan - "Not A Kid Anymore"
( Click here to pre-order Parallel Play)
The Downsiders - "Goodnight Troll"
( Click here to visit Cole Marquis on the Myspace)
Thalia Zedek - "We Don't Go"
( Click here to buy Liars and Prayers)
Evangelista - "Truth Is Dark Like Outer Space"
( Click here to buy the Hello, Voyager)
The (F) Champs - "Lee Tom" (from "Second 7 inch")
( Click here to buy The F Champs Records)
Enslaved - "The Dead Stare" (for masterofsparks)
( Click here to buy Below The Lights )
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
- Clark argues that one of the fallacies of Internet radio is that anyone even knows it exists. Tom's shocked at his low audience numbers, and he finally figures out what Clark's been up to tonight. He saw The Best Show as an opportunity to drive people to "Venison Stew". Tom's had enough of the self-promotion and starts to feel the competitive heat, so he bans Clark for one year. He starts crying, and Tom GOMPs him. Tom's been down this road before, and he doesn't want Clark showing up at the studio with a microphone and a cooler. Every time The Kid entertains an apparent psycho, they hurt him. Look for Clark to return in September 2008!
Awwwwww yeah, Tom is fired up for another Tuesday night installment of The Best Show after germs temporarily paralyzed him last week. He's bigger and better than that, and this is a #1 show that can't be stopped by pesky microbes. Tom performs the inaugural toots of the newest feature on the program -- "Squeaky" the squeeze toy -- and follows that up by punching the microphone. He unleashes a Kevin Garnett-y roar to celebrate the landed blow. The emotional display tires him out, so Tom asks Mike to retrieve Pangaea to relieve him of his hosting duties. He compares the early portion of this show to an episode of The Morton Downey Jr. Show -- it ran hot for
eight minutes 90 seconds and now it's over. Tom promises to heat back up again and recommends clicking record on Adobe Audition (PC) or Amadeus (Mac) to capture it for future enjoyment. While back-announcing the opening music set, Tom reminds everyone that TLRx's "C.I.A." was pulled from Living with the Living, the best album of 2007. He wonders about the leading contenders for the 2008 top spot as we near the halfway point of the year. Mike has been pushing hard for Raising Sand, the collaboration between Robert Plant and Alison Krauss that actually came out in October 2007. Oh, Mike. Is anyone still holding out any hope for a new DC Snipers record this year? How about 2012? I think the MIA follow-up to Missile Sunset -- Tom's 2006 fave -- is officially the Chinese Democracy of the garage-punk-whatever world. I propose that Kern's beverage division up the ante by offering every U.S. citizen a free can of Summit Black Raspberry Wishniak if these slackers drop something by 31 December. Hey-O!
Tom played a track from The Black Hollies' Casting Shadows, a strong candidate for year-end honors, although he still wishes they were called The Black Collies. Tom received some emails about the existence of such dogs after he discussed them a few weeks ago, but he's looking for a breed that is black like Venom -- pure, reflective, daring you to get close enough to see yourself in its shimmering fur. Mike informs Tom that the flashing line contains a caller who's been holding for 20 minutes. Tom confirms that it's someone afflicted with chronic mushmouth, and we all know who that is.
- Spike says he's doing splendid on this fair May eve, but his mood turns sour after Tom tells him that Hillary Clinton just declared victories in the North Carolina and Indiana primaries. As Spike checks the returns, Tom mentions reports indicating that Barack Obama will concede the nomination by this Thursday. Spike is not pleased because he doesn't want a man-hater in the White House. Tom points out that he still hasn't come up with any legitimate proof since he first accused Hillary of hating all men. Spike tries a guilt-by-association argument, noting that Hillary is supported by the likes of Gloria Steinem. Tom thinks there is a big difference between Steinem's feminist views and someone like Andrea Dworkin, sister of Barry Dworkin from The Gas Station Dogs. Spike isn't a fan of her, either. Tom has some good news for the goofball: Dworkin is dead and will be a total non-factor in the 2008 election. In addition to getting riled up by politics, Spike has been passing the time by loading up his iPod with his old-timey music and The Best Show podcasts. Tom imagines the playlist of Spike's device in shuffle mode:
- The Penguins
- The Best Show on WFMU
- Lynn Samuels
- Bill Conti's "Theme from Chucky's Revenge"
- Del Vikings
Tom says that Spike was the first person person he thought when he saw a listing for a Doo Wop Extravagonza at the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, N.J., during a recent drive on the GSP. Spike is pleased that the theme will prohibit Britney Spears and "Silly Virus" (aka "the one from the magazine") from getting on the bill. Tom thinks Spike's latest pop-culture nickname indicates that he's been writing copy for Wacky Packages. Spike thinks dreaming up product parody stickers sounds like a very interesting job. Tom agrees, but only if Wacky Packages were still being made. Tom finds the full lineup online: Del Vikings, Ani Difranco, The Buddy Rich Orchestra, and Pure Filth w/ Isaac Hayes, Jr. Spike says he may go to see the Del Vikings, but he's not sure if he'll stay for Difranco. While Hayes, Jr. guarantees an X-rated show, Spike says that if he wanted to see pure filth he'd just go to a Madonna or Jenny from the Bedroom concert. Tom says he's also very sick of Jennifer Lopez's nonstop touring schedule because he can't head over to the Newbridge Coliseum without seeing her name on the marquee. She's also been showing up for aftershows at Club Pizzazz, playing acoustic Monster Magnet covers and helping wrangle volunteers for the erotic hypnotist shows. Spike is upset that Lopez gave birth to twins earlier this year. Tom tells Spike that he's the W.C. Fields of The Best Show. In other words, he's 100 years old and not very funny. Tom GOMPs the child-hating Hillary basher.
- Laurie from Miami is on the 30-second clock because Tom doesn't trust anyone in the pre-topic minefield. He navigates the Spike calls according to his finely-tuned internal clock, which is why it wasn't audible. Laurie earns a stoppage with the promise of a tale involving a horrible book she saw this past Saturday on Free Comic Book Day. Tom asks her if there were a lot of kids browsing the store. Laurie says there were some, but she went to a shop that tends to skew older with an adjacent art gallery. Tom thought it was wise to schedule Free Comic Book Day so close to the release of Grand Theft Auto IV to completely draw the generational lines. He believes the current crop of kids are far too busy trying to become the next Final Boss-grade gaming juggernaut to have time to read even graphic-based material. Laurie wonders if Tom was out last week carjacking his way through NYC on a GTA4 "sick day." Tom assures her that he doesn't play that filth.
Laurie was disturbed to discover a book called Helen Killer on one of the racks. In a nutshell, Alexander Graham Bell invents some fontastical device that not only restores a young Helen Keller's sight and hearing, but also grants her superhuman strength and agility to help the Secret Service protect President William McKinley from assassination by a group of anarchists. Laurie doesn't recall the offending artist, but she assumes it's someone who wishes he was Frank Miller, which is sad because Miller is sort of awful. Tom is surprised that Laurie didn't like 300. Laurie says that the Helen Killer issue she perused was drawn as a serious comic lacking any sense of fun, and the author had the nerve to claim that he was inspired by Keller's life. She declares the Keller-as-Daredevil premise to be the worst she's ever read. Tom points out that she just gave the book a lot of free publicity to the 400 people listening to the show. In fact, Mike bolts from the studio to pick it up at Jim Hanley's in Staten Island. I hope he stopped off at Sedutto's to get a vanilly cone for Tom. Laurie thinks Mike would probably like HK, and she also recommends that he purchase Hack/Slash vs. Chucky while he's there.
Tom decides to move on because he runs a grown-up show that is not called Comic Book Talk. He wonders if the next discussion will involve the domestic bickering of The Lockhorns or the misadventures of Prince Valiant. Tom wants to know who actually read the Prince Valiant strip. He recalls seeing the color version in the Sunday Star-Ledger when he was a kid, and it was just as dull as the weekday monochrome version. Tom discovers a website for the Doo-Wop Preservation League, which is trying to convert Wildwood, N.J., into a full-blown Doo-Wop mecca. He thinks nature is doing a good job of overseeing a Darwinian demise for a genre that boasts guys like Spike as its only remaining flag-wavers. Squeaky agrees!
- Rodney in Newbridge calls to talk about a Free Comic Book Day gift that he truly enjoyed. He picked up a book called Hägar the Doo-Wopper, which combines the exploits of portly Viking warrior Hägar the Horrible with doo-wop music. The story begins with Hägar losing his trademark horn hat in a bet. The hat ends up in a charity auction, and The Moonglows are the high bidders. One of the Moonglows starts wearing it, and the now-hatless Hägar gets so mad that he murders one of the them. (It's not clear if the victim is the actual hat-wearer, or if Hägar selected a random Moonglow.) Rodney says that Hägar is able to pull off the killing because he knows all the old-time Vikingery ways of murdering his enemies. Tom wants to hear about the method he used for this particular murder. Rodney says that Hägar stabbed the unfortunate Moonglow with the tailbone of a yak, one of the gruesome action setpieces that makes the 300-page book a truly graphic novel not suitable for kids.
He tells Tom that he just wanted to turn him onto the new comic as thanks for discovering the music of Big Dipper and Red Kross via The Best Show. Tom says he might check out Hägar the Doo-Wopper. Rodney requests "The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath, and Tom appears reluctant to play something from the Dio-era of the band. Rodney notes that this is the second time in a few weeks that Tom has spoken poorly of The Dio Years. (Tom previously dissed Pablo Fontana's Hot Streak entry of Heaven y Hell / The Mob Rules / Live Evil, though he conceded that these records had an influential on Black Flag.) Rodney doesn't like it ... AT ALL. He tells Tom to watch his step. Tom asks him why every disagreement has to lead to a threat. Rodney denies making a threat, but repeats that that Tom should watch his step. He continues to deny making threats, interspersed with questions about whether Tom likes pain and wants to die. Tom say he doesn't want to die. Rodney denies saying anything along those lines, and he thinks Tom is taking things way too seriously. Rodney asks Tom if he's ever had his brakes cut and hangs up.
Rodney mentioned Big Dipper, who recently reunited to play shows in Hoboken, Brooklyn, and Boston to commemorate the release of Merge's Supercluster anthology of their back-catalogue. The band was propelled back to the live stage largely due to Tom's tireless efforts on The Best Show. He is big fan! Tom saw them at Maxwell's and then drove to Boston for their final homecoming show. As he passed through Connecticut he noticed the signs changing from Yankees! to Yankees vs. Red Sox: Who's Better?! to Red Sox! as he got closer to his destination. By the time he hit downtown Boston it looked like Christmas with all the red and green garb littering the streets. Tom estimates that three out of every four people were wearing Red Sox or Celtics gear, in addition to the giant, 60-foot banners splaying the horrible Celtics logo all over government buildings. Tom thinks the leprechaun mascot -- promoting a basketball team no less -- has to be the dumbest in all of sports. Mike proposes Hugo the Hornet, but Tom points out he's still a fun hornet and not nearly as goofy as the leprechaun. He classifies mascots like the Cleveand Indians' Chief Wahoo and the Atlanta Braves "Screaming Warrior" (as well as teepee-bound Chief Nokahoma) as just straight-up racist. Tom says that's how it flies down in Georgia, where these kinds of mascots pass mustard as being sensitive to Native Americans. True story: last July the Braves held a "KKK Night" where the first 10,000 fans received "jersey robes" (breathable mesh for the summer!) of their favorite players. Henry Owings was spotted wearing a Mike Hampton robe at a Torche/Harvey Milk show back in March.
Tom reviews the Celtics logo online and finds nothing to like about the leprechaun's pipe, shillelagh, closed eye, and dumb vest adorned with three-leaf clovers. He doesn't buy that this leprechaun is a skilled player just because he's spinning a basketball on his tiny finger. Tom states for the record that the Celtics are a complete embarrassment to the game. The supposed hardcourt Gods with the NBA's best regular-season record needed seven games to dismiss the scrubs on the 37-win Atlanta Hawks in the first round. Tom wasn't impressed by the Celtics crushing the Hawks in the decisive game because that is what they were supposed to do for the entire series. He denounces Kevin Garnett's throat-slitting gestures that indicated that the Hawks were finally dead. Tom tells the stiff that he should have murdered them in four games. He says he'd like to see someone pour hot coffee down his throat the next time he unleashes one of his jerky roars of passion. Tom recommends that Garnett make some clutch shots in a game that counts to justify all of his bellowing from the bench. He's convinced that this union of playoff flops (Paul Pierce and Ray Allen round out the trio of chronic losers) will not win it all after handing the rest of the remaining teams a how-to book on dismantling them. Tom cannot imagine being a Celtics fan dropping $280 to walk around with a leprechaun jacket. He compares it to roaming the streets in a Loony Toons jacket.
Tom puts his Celtics rant on ice to mention Hugo the Hornet's stunt before the second quarter of Game 1 of their series against the San Antonio Spurs. Hugo successfuly jumped off a trampoline, through a ring of fire, and dunked. However, the cleanup crew used standard fire extinguishers instead of the CO2 cartridges to put out the flames, causing a 19-minute delay as the arena filled with smoke and the floor was flooded with slippery, chemical foam. Tom considers this a clear sign that the Hornets are a rinky-dink organization. He ends the Sports Talk segment because everyone gets bent out of shape whenever he talks about things that involve physical exertion.
However, everyone loves Tom's picaresque travelogues so he starts by describing his stay at the worst hotel in Boston. The dollhouse offered beanbag mattresses, and Tom did not enjoy sinking into them as he slept. He got folded in half throughout the night, and he wonders if the hotel will foot the bill for his eventual back surgery. Tom refers to the relative comfort of a Murphy bed and realizes that he is really skewing old tonight after previous references to doo wop and Wacky Packs. He wants to skew young, so he references Grand Theft Auto in the manner of an excited adolescent. Tom waited in line to get the game the day it came out, but he discovered that he needs some kind of gaming system to bring it to life.
Tom took a cab to the Middle East for the Dipper show, and the driver remarked that he was from the Middle East. He asked Tom to guess his country of origin. Tom stalled because he realized that he was bound to insult him by picking the wrong country in the hottest powder keg on Earth. The driver eventually revealed that he's from E-ran (pronounced I-ran in the South). While he was a nice enough guy, Tom didn't think he should be pressing the customer into an uncomfortable situation. He arrived at the club in time to see the reformed Great Plains play an awesome opening set to get the crowd primed for their local heroes. Before the band came on, Tom moved to the front to secure his spot for what is likely his final chance to see them. As the room started filling up, a piece of Drunk Boston Trash showed up, possibly the sister of the Celtics's leprechaun, and she shoved her way to the front. The DBT addressed Tom as "Tall Guy" and asked if she could get in front of him. Tom was not receptive to this request. He logged his time to stake out his position, even though he would have loved to float around and hang out with people. Tom certainly wasn't going to budge three inches to let some troll slide in. He enjoyed watching Dipper kill it from his prime spot, and the band went out like champs with their cover of Wings' "Jet." The next day he's driving out of Boston, and he saw a celebrity walking down the street amidst the sea of people either wearing sports garb or dressed as Colonial bellringers. Tom wants listeners to guess the person he saw. Mike guesses Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. Wrong!
- James guesses that Tom saw him. Tom can't hear him due to a faulty telephone line.
- Boring Owen checks in, and Tom takes the opportunity to ask him to ease up on the frequency of his Facebook bulletins. He keeps getting excited like an eight-year-old about a new notification only to find another Hungrr-related link. Wah-Waaaah. Tom understands that Owen is trying to do the right thing, but he thinks some Facebook etiquette is in order. BO says he figured the person Tom saw on the street was the "Hey, Tall Guy" troll. Tom wishes it was. BO reminds everyone that they can leave food donations for their mail carriers this Saturday to do their part for Stamp Out Hunger Day. Tom says he can't get mad at BO because he keeps showing that he's a good guy.
-Therese from Jersey City has a guess for Tom's mystery sighting. Tom can't pretend that he doesn't know her, but Therese assures him that she doesn't have any inside information. She guesses Peter Wolf because she sees him every time she's in Boston, although he's never dancing down the street like he does in the J. Geils Band video for "Centerfold." Therese says Wolf appears to be the type of famous person who doesn't want people to notice him, but he's simultaneously wondering if people are noticing him not wanting people to notice him. Tom says says all famous people operate according to this push/pull principle. Therese looks forward to hearing the correct answer later in the program.
- Julie from Cincinnati calls on her birthday, so Tom searches for the right note to sing to her. Julie disrupts the performance, and Tom laments that she doesn't even know how to properly accept birthday wishes. Julie admits that she has issues with accepting nice things from others, but she does love The Best Show. Julie was going to guess that Tom saw the Big Dipper show leprechaun, but Owen beat her to it. Tom wishes he saw the Celtics leprechaun on the street so he could run him over as he tried to brandish his shillelagh. Julie asks Tom to tell her the real person because she might pass out before he reveals it. She is skipping cake because she's trying to lose weight, but her husband did get her something nice for her special day. Julie is reluctant to mention it on the air, but Tom wants to hear it. Julie says they spent some quality time together. Tom correctly identifies it as a conjugal visit. Julie says it took place in the living room instead of prison. Tom thinks he was just imprisoned. Julie suspects it stems from a tax charge, but it's for the crime of talking to the deranged. She assumes Tom is referring to her, but Tom says he likes her and wishes her a Happy Birthday. Julie asks Tom if he could arrange for her to talk to Spike on the air. Tom says will make it happen as his birthday gift if she calls early enough. He tells everyone to stop recording this show.
- A caller rattles off several Boston hardcore luminaries as Tom's potential sightings:
- Al Barile from SSD
- Mike Dean from Gang Green
- Clif Hanger from The Freeze (makes the trip into Boston from Cape Cod)
- A member of Stanglehold
- A member of The Proletariat
- One of Jerry's Kids
After repeatedly ignoring Tom's clue that it wasn't anyone ever signed to the Taang! label, the caller takes a huge leap to Ted Danson. Nope. He fires again with the mailman. Tom quickly realizes that he's talking about Cliff Clavin from Cheers, although the caller still calls him a teledummy. Tom points out that Clavin is a fictional character who doesn't actually live in the Boston area. The caller thinks the entire cast lives there. He tries to think of one of the chicks, but not "Short Stuff" who does it with Danny DeVito. Tom says her name is Rhea Perlman. The caller is not a fan. Tom throws out Shelley Long, and the caller was indeed thinking of her. He refers to her as being "kind of smallish up top". Tom doesn't appreciate the comment, but the caller doesn't think he said anything. He hangs up before giving his name. Tom doesn't like this guy. Mike tells him it was his old NBHC nemesis, Hammerhead.
Tom says he'll solve the mystery a bit later because he needs to move on to something that doesn't involve the equally mysterious Hall of Champions, The Best Show fan-fiction contest (prose is starting to roll in), or the brush off he got from the 33 1/3 people regarding his proposal for Styx's, Cornerstone. He's a nice enough guy, but his book tally remains at zero. Tom thinks he'd be the best thing to ever happen to the series, and he wonders if the editors really know who he is. If they denied Tom, it doesn't look good for my latest proposals: Joe Satriani's Flying in a Blue Dream, Men at Work's Cargo, and L7's Hungry For Stink.
- Professional rock musician Ted Leo calls to put an end to all the speculation: it was him! Tom says it was very exciting to see Ted walking around in a Red Sox jersey. Ted reminds Tom that he was always wearing a hat to make sure he was adhering to the local ordinance dictating that you must wear at least one article of Red Sox clothing to avoid a beating on the subway. Tom thinks people who implement such a policy are sick. He knows that Ted is a big fan of Irish music like The Proclaimers and The Clancy Brothers with Tommy Makem, but he suspects that even he cannot defend the dumb Celtics logo. Ted agrees that it's pretty dumb because he likes his leprechauns to wear full jackets instead of vests. He prefers the more respectable fighting Irishman of his album otter. Tom finds it bizarre to associate any sporting activity with a leprechaun. He can't imagine anyone getting excited by the announcement that a one-eyed, 2' 2" leprechaun was suiting up as the starting small forward for the Celtics. Ted thinks Tom may be underestimating the ability of leprechauns to use their magical powers to dribble between the legs of defenders. Tom points out that you can stop their advances by throwing shoes at them. Ted remembers that the leprechaun did get the short end of the stick at the end of Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Tom adds the 1959 film to the list of tonight's old-skewing references.
Ted is hunkering down to work on some new songs amidst rumors that he retired from performing live. He confirms his decision, but after his recent falling out with Tom he came out of retirement to prove him wrong. Tom has e-mailed Ted several times about a song he needs to play live, and he will not stop until Ted grants his wish. Ted says the request might require the aid of a leprechaun sprinkling faerie dust. Tom has no interest in these little, nasty characters, and he gives the city of Boston a thumbs down. He wants its inhabitants to start snacking on some slices of humble pie. Ted remains pro-Boston.
Tom says everyone should get ready for an upcoming topic that will travel coast to coast to find out which American city is home to the biggest mutants. Ted says he's had some interesting moments while walking down the streets of Albuquerque, the city of mutterers and Mary B. Some FOT Chatters suggest The Pitts, and Ted agrees they have their share of undesirables. He also wouldn't strike Bloomfield off the list. Tom wonders if Ted is throwing his town under the bus because he got some bad onion rings at Holsten's. Ted thanks Tom for encapsulating his life with a neat metaphor. Tom asks Ted if he would considering playing his final show on the roof of Holsten's. Ted thinks it would be amazing, especially if he timed it to coincide with the weird, annual tradition of the Bloomfield Harvest Fest. Ted considers the name of the festival highly incongruous since there hasn't been an actual harvest in Bloomfield in 200 years. Tom wants to know what percentage of the goods for sale at the BFH have been locally harvested. Ted says it's mainly just crummy polyester dresses from Annie Sez that have been languishing on the racks.
Tom has been thinking about developing a shorthand method to catalog the good and bad people in the world. Alas, tonight's topic: Creepopedia. For example, Tom would include an entry for Cigar Aficionado, a publication with a highly creeper subscriber base. He'd also capture the creeps who exhibit a crypto-racist anger when Samuel L. Jackson accepts an acting role that doesn't require him to do that thing. Ted adds the N.Y. Jedi he just saw having silent light-saber fights in Washington Square Park. He singles out the guy who was definitely over the age of 45 amidst the 20-year-olds. Tom compares the age gap to when Funzie hung around Jefferson High School and Arnold's Drive-In for two cycles past his own graduation. He hears the sound of screeching tires, but Ted is unharmed. They bid each other goodnight.
- Daniel up in Boston calls to say he's been enjoying the show despite Tom's needling of his city. He admits that he's surrounded by dolts and wants to discuss a horrifying, Creepopedia-worthy scene he witnessed at a Celtics game. Tom wonders if it was Kevin Garnett stomping around like he just won his 14th championship even though he hasn't won anything in his entire life. Daniel likes how Garnett has seemingly co-opted Floyd Mayweather, Jr's pre-fight routine. Tom assumes that Mayweather's ring entrance somehow evokes a 7-foot-flop choking to inferior teams on the road. Daniel explains that Mayweather glares and points to the crowd in an attempt to be provocative and ominous, but he comes off looking like a child.
At one of the Celtics final regular-season home games, there was a gentlemen and an eight-year-old boy seated in the row in front of him. During every lull in the action during the fourth quarter, the man was goading the child to do something to liven things up since the Celtics were already strutting around to celebrate their conquest of the lowly Milwaukee Bucks. Daniels says that in the final minute the kid finally let loose with a "Yankees suck!" chant, seemingly oblivious to the sport he was watching and the complete lack of pinstriped intruders. Tom makes it clear that he doesn't care about the Yankees, but he ends up rooting for them just because the Boston sports fan is such a high-test, lab-farmed mutant. Daniel thinks both sets of fans are equally bad. Tom wants a black cloud to hover over Boston to take away all its sports hubris. Then again, he really doesn't care because he doesn't live his life through sports heroes. He's in the game right now. He steps onto the court every day. Daniel's says his big recent hero is Dave Wailek from Big Dipper. Tom thinks he's really good, but he also likes Gary Wailek, who is actually in the band. Tom GOMPs Daniel for the amateur-hour mistake.
- A female caller says a friend asked her to hang out with her and some dude she shacked up with for the past week in a hotel. She thinks it's creepy, and she'd like to hear Tom's take on the proposed event. Tom's not sure if he can accept an entry titled "Your Friend." The caller says she doesn't want to name names on the radio, and Tom doesn't want to talk to her anymore.
- A caller that sounds a lot like Zachary Brimstead, Esq., says Tom is doing too much sports talk tonight. He sings the word "Yaaaaaawn" to bolster his point. Tom apologizes for the boring programming. The caller hates it, and he promises to show Tom how to do a proper radio show real soon. He hangs up.
- Greg calls from the fertile farmland of Bloomfield, so Tom asks him if he would attend the final TLRx concert on the roof of Holsten's. Greg says that he would be the first person there even though he could probably hear it from his kitchen window. He wasn't there the night of filming for the final scene of The Sopranos, but his friend was getting Chinese food across the street. Tom commends him for an exciting anecdote. He apologizes for his sarcasm because Greg never billed his comment as such.
Greg says that his screening of Iron Man in Montclair was interrupted by people answering their cellphones. He considers this a litmus test for a whole level of selfish creepiness. Tom imagines one such creep taking a call during Horton Hears a Who! to tell a friend that the film is not good. Greg says he expects this behavior in the city, but not in Montclair. Tom accepts the entry, and he adds one about people who use the Bluetooth ear clips that look like a robot cockaroach has climbed up the side of their head. He's never encountered anyone using the device to talk about important business decisions, such as transferring $1 million between mutual funds. Greg thinks it just looks like a crazy person talking to themselves, especially on the NJ Transit system. Tom thanks him for the call.
- Nate from St. Paul calls from what Tom assumes is the inside of the Mall of America. He's not there, and he asks Tom if the megamall is his main reference point for the Twin Cities. Tom says it isn't and now believes he's at a Soul Asylum concert. Nate doesn't understand why the band is still kind of revered in the area. Tom thinks it has something to do with all the good records they put out in their early years. Nate apologizes for his cynical 'tude. He does take pride in local produce like The Replacements, Prince, Atmosphere, and Twins catcher Joe Mauer. He doesn't elaborate on Mauer because sports talk is now verboten for the remainder of the show. Nate's Creepopedia submission is people who have a bootleg car decal featuring Calvin Wunderkind peeing on something. Tom agrees that these people are complete creeps and extends it to anyone who puts any decal on their car. (Not sure how Tom reconciles this with his Meat Puppets decal.) Nate thinks it's creepy to want to express your dislike of a competing brand of automobile to fellow daily commuters. He points out that C&H creator Bill Watterson hates the decals, but he can't stop them because their omnipresence renders litigation ineffective. Tom agrees and directs Mike to log the new entry.
- Abraham calls from Boston, but he distances himself from the sports loons because he's only been there three years as a college student. He confirms that he's a Richard Kind enthusiast who takes everything he says as the gospel truth, although he's not really sure what the actor is up to these days. Abraham puts ironically racist jokes into the Creepopedia, and he finds it particularly gutless that the performers will never dare test their material on the people skewered in the punchline. Tom agrees that this is creepy behavior. Before he hangs up to attend to a Mad About You marathon, Abraham asks Tom if he saw
Isle Iron Man. Tom says he plans to see the latest Marvel triumph despite being slightly troubled by Robert Downey, Jr.'s recent Letterman appearance. Downey claimed that he would crumple up the script pages and throw them against the wall at the start of each day. Abraham suspects Downey was exaggerating the level of improv allowed during the production. Tom GOMPs him for sounding like Steve Blue -- his mouth was one scooch too close to the phone.
- Top-notch Emma from Toronto follows up her recent 5-star debut call with an attempt to get a Canadian entry into the Creepopedia. Tom wonders if it's poutine, a popular fast-food dish consisting of French fries topped with cheese curds and a brown gravy of sorts. Emma says poutine is actually kinda good, but only under very specific circumstances and in very specific places. Tom informs her that the New Jersey version is called Dizgo Fries. Emma thinks Tom is making that up. He wishes. Emma apologizes for a high-pitched giggle, but the notion of Disco Fries is just ridiculous to her. Tom outs Mike as a champion Disco Fries eater. He's currently training for an unsanctioned July 4th event, which is held underneath the boardwalk that hosts the Nathan's hot dog contest. Emma picks Mike to win it without having ever seen Mike eat Disco Fries or knowing anything about the other competitors. Tom says he's seen Mike eat them every week. He makes them at home and brings them to the studio in a Tupperware container. Emma thinks it's good to have a hobby, but Tom says competitively eating Disco Fries is Mike's life. Emma now realizes that call screening is Mike's hobby. She apologizes to Mike for having him pegged. He's taking the whole discussion pretty hard because Disco Fries are generally off-limits on the show. Emma wonders if he's consoling himself by eating more Disco Fries. Tom is not looking. Emma doesn't blame him.
Tom suspects Emma's Toronto-based entry will involve street filth or the MuchMusic studio on Queen Street. Emma says she's unable to even walk past this atrocity. Tom assumes that it's always surrounded by throngs of screaming people hoping to catch a glimpse of someone from the Broken Social Scene collective. Emma doesn't want to say that BSS are too good for MuchMusic, but it definitely would not be one of their primary hangouts. Tom references Speaker's Corner, a weird booth that attracts drunken revelers to recap their evening for later airing on television. Emma thinks it's the worst thing ever, but Tom kind of likes the concept. Earlier today Emma tripped and fell as she rounded the corner on her way home. A couple of people failed to express any concern for her safety as they sauntered past her. She could accept that as standard behavior, especially since she was not screaming in pain, but there was a dude (Emma immediately apologizes for saying "dude") sitting on a bench directly in front of her who started laughing at her misfortune. Emma thought that was creepy behavior, and Tom lifts his ban on entries for individuals. The Creepopedia is now home to The Creep Who Laughed at Emma!
Tom reads a statement prepared by Mike regarding the Disco Fries commentary:
I would like to apologize to Mike for mentioning anything about Disco Fries, or anything about his upcoming Disco Fries competition. Competitive eating is a serious sporting event and is not meant to be taken lightly or made fun of. If I have hurt anyone's feelings, I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart. I would like to make a cash donation ...
Tom cuts the statement short because he draws the line at a cash donation.
- Tim from Pasadena, CA, wants the Creepopedia to include anyone who would go to a dog park. Tom says he once took Dogmo to a dog park, and it was an amazing experience. Tim considers that maybe it's just SoCal dog parks that bring the bad news in the form of people chatting you up. Tom says he just minds his own business and unleashes Dogmo so she can run wild. Tim agrees that it's great for the dogs, but the skeevy single dudes using it as a pick-up scene contribute to an aura of creepiness. He also doesn't like the class of people who initiate dog introductions. Tom thinks asking someone for the name of their dog is insane. Tim reveals that Tess is the name of his dog. Tom points out that he had no problem telling him the name of his dog, but he gets mad at dog park people for telling him the name of their dogs. He GOMPs Tim for hypocrisy. Tom doesn't think taking your dog out for some excercise is a demented, sick idea. He thinks dogs would rather run around with other dogs than get jammed into a booth at Two Boots or screen Anatomy of a Murder at Film Forum. (I do think Dogmo might enjoy the Godard's 60s retro.) Tom hopes Tim wakes up coated in human blood in a dog park. He says the other dog owners don't like it when he brings Dogmo's bowl of thirst-quenching human blood to the park.
- Herbie in Philadelphia says he made a successful trip to the dog park earlier today even though there were no other dogs around. Tom makes sure that Herbie brought his dog instead of dressing up in a dog costume. Herbie wants to put the various types of public arguers into the Creepopedia, including people shouting into their cell phones and people yelling at each other in their backyard with no regard for others. He's currently experiencing an assault from the latter category of creeps. Tom tells Herbie that he just redeemed himself after a checkered past that included his ill-advised attempt to take over the show with a First-World Problems topic. They tip and doff their hats to each other to honor the rapprochement.
[Much more to come.]
Amidst the sounds of heavy footsteps Mike tells Tom that a weird guy is approaching the studio, and he's not sure if he's going to make it through the door due to his excessive girth. The heavyset visitor emits some Muppet-sounding moans and calls Mike a fool for not pushing him hard enough. He's still jammed in the doorway so he removes his shirt to reduce some of the friction and allow his sweaty flesh to help him glide to freedom. The topless attempts offer no improvement, and as Mike continues to strain, the guest calls him a fool again for forgetting to apply the provided oil to his haunches. Mike says he's unable to get any leverage because his hands keep sinking into the man's fat rolls. Tom is increasingly disgusted by the spectacle, and the guest tells Mike to slather him in the oil. It's not clear if Mike obliges the request, but he strains so hard to dislodge him that the wall starts buckling. The guest tells Mike to give him a big push from behind, and he does it on the count of 3. The sounds of the man busting through the doorway and collapsing onto the floor indicate this effort was successful. Mike thinks he suffered a rupture in the process. The guest acknowledges that getting a rupture is bad stuff. He quotes from an old song that he's sure Tom's heard: "When your B's hit the floor like a B-54, that's a rupture." Tom is not familiar with the tune.
Tom asks the guest to identify himself, and he blasts Tom's ears with an extremely hot "What?" He says he often has similar trouble with his levels when he's doing gigs. It's "Zebe" aka ZB aka barbershop quartet legend, Zachary Brimstead, Esq., who Tom has previously described as the "bane of his existence." ZB is making his first appearance on the program since Bryce handed him the phone in April 2007 while they were both patients at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. At that time Brimstead had just become the new spokesman for the Barberzon Agency, which specializes in placing barbershop singers in print ads for model airplane products. He told Tom that he would once again rule the roost because he overcame his addictions to cakes, candies, candied cakes, and shoe-based pornographies.
ZB suspects that Tom would have immediately recognized him from his famous cumberbund if he hadn't removed it to aid his passage. Tom mentions that ZB has called a fair amount of the years, and ZB believes he's livened up and improved all those shows. Tom is a bit flustered because he never imagined actually confronting the monstrous man in person. ZB suspects that even with his vivid descriptions of his size, Tom could never imagine that he'd be this big. He's having trouble getting his arm through the hole of his shirt, and Tom really wants him to keep trying to get it back on. He isn't pleased about the partial nudity, and ZB tells Tom that he can't judge him for it. Tom's not sure why, so ZB asks call screener Leopold to tell him: ZB judges Tom. Tom is trying to avoid looking at him, and ZB challenges Tom to try not to laugh when he tells him his new joke:
Is anyone who?
Is anyone gonna eat that sub sandwich I saw downstairs in the fridge
ZB says he's hungry, but he can't get out of his seat to retrieve the sub, which is likely leftover from the PBR/PFT visit two weeks ago. (Perhaps the remnants of those four Domino's Oreo pizza are also available.) Tom didn't even know there was one down there. ZB says it looked old, but he's eaten older, such as a six-week-old hoagie consisting of provolone, Swiss, onions, lettuce (pickled), and pickles. Tom thinks the aged sandwich is disgusting. ZB thinks Tom's show is also disgusting. He remembers that there was ripened egg salad on that sub. Tom thinks six weeks is far beyond the ripe stage. ZB loves it, and he thinks Tom will love it when he makes him eat it. Tom makes it clear that he has no plans to forcibly or voluntarily eat ripened egg salad. He asks ZB is there is a reason he willed himself into the studio after an arduous climb and epic struggle in the stairwell. ZB says he's glad nobody saw him. Tom says that Mike caught a glimpse of him at one point and concluded that he was having a hard time. ZB says that hurts his large feelings. ZB made the trek because he wanted to share a lot of big news.
He makes sure that Tom is strapped in and wearing his figurative helmet before revealing that he's opening a chain of restaurants with locations in Newbridge, Westbridge, Old Westbridge, New Southeastbridge, and the tiny town of Troybridge. Tom says he doesn't know Troybridge at all. ZB tells him it's south of Old Southbridge off Route 15 where that thing exploded. Tom thinks he knows where that is, and he assumes that Troybridge is above that gross, pond-like pit. ZB points out that it has stuff in it that stinks to high Heaven. He and Tom agree that it's a manmade atrocity. ZB says it's near the spot where the old pillow museum was before it was stolen. ZB asks Tom if he's ready for Brimstead's - Where the Food Buckets are Always Filled to the Brim (TM). He says all of the food will arrive in metal buckets, and Tom doesn't think that sounds like a very appealing presentation. ZB says they acquired these serving vessels from a local horse racing track because they are easier to hose out at the end of the night. Tom doubts that most diners will enjoy the experience of ladling their food into the buckets. ZB calls Tom an idiot for suggesting that customers would use a ladle. He says they will use lastic scoopers. ZB says the second Brimstead's slogan is Massive Portions for Massive Appetites (TM). ZB asks Tom to guess who comes around to each table to loudly serenade customer. Tom guesses that he does. ZB asks Tom if he's been to the restaurant, which is impossible because it hasn't actually opened yet.
ZB asks Tom if he knows what else he has on his big plato (Spanish for "plate"). Tom has no idea. ZB tells him that he's looking at the next star from Newbridge to take his acting talent to Weird-O-Wood. Tom says he's heard people refer to Hollywood as "Hollyweird." ZB asks Leopold about this, and he's never heard "Weird-O-Wood" either. Tom tells ZB that it's Mike, but he doesn't think he seems like a Mike. He moves forward by announcing that he will appear in the new movie made by the best director of all-time. ZB is certain that Tom will name this top-notch, A-list director on the first try. Tom guesses Martin Scorsese, but ZB hasn't heard of him. Tom says he directed Goodfellas. ZB thinks that sounds like the name of a candy bar. He asks Tom for a candy bar, but he doesn't have one. ZB hopes that call screener Reggie might have one. Tom says he's pretty sure that Mike doesn't have one. ZB apologizes to Rick for getting his name wrong again. Tom guesses Oliver Stone (ZB as Dick Cheney!), but ZB doesn't know that woman. ZB says he will be playing the lead The Man in the Iron Cumberbund, the new film by extreme filmmaker Trent L. Strauss. He calls Tom a moviedummy for failing to identify TLS.
Tom asks him if that is anything like The Main in the Iron Mask. ZB says he was going to ask what that is, but he'd be lying because he knows what that is. He says that TMitIC is kind of based on that story from the olden days of classical music. Tom agrees that it's from the past, but he doesn't define the era by classical music. ZB says it's the time when people first wrote and recorded classical music. Tom says none of it was recorded, and ZB wonders how we know about it. Tom says they wrote it down on musical score sheets and performed it live. ZB says he doesn't get it. Tom's surprised he doesn't know how to read music because he thought he was a pretty big musician. ZB says it's all in his head. He prefers to work by instinct and feel like Quincy Jones and CCR guitarist Tom Fogerty. Tom always had a different ake on Fogerty's playing style, but ZB insists that he was totally a feel-musician. He thinks he's still an active member of CCR, but Tom says he died a few years ago. ZB wants to know whaaaaaaaaaaaaaen. Tom repeats that he passed on a few years ago. ZB doesn't think so, but he wants to get back to his film debut.
He says the popular myth is that the man whose head was encased in the iron mask is the twin brother of Louis Ziv, the French king. Tom knows him by the name Louis XIV. ZB has never heard of Roman numerals, although he does know football player Roman Gabriel and Times New Roman, which he believes is a font, not to be confused with his many fontasies.
ZB asks Tom if he wants to hear about one of them. Tom says he doesn't want to hear anything that could possibly be described as one of his fontasies. ZB wants to take a moment to do something very nice. He sends a message out to his dear grandnephew, Bonnie, who is graduating high school. ZB mentions that she will be attending Shorter College in the fall. Tom is reluctant to give out any personal information over the air, but ZB says he loves her so. Tom agrees that Bonnie is a very nice young lady.
TLS signed up ZB to play a debauched, massively-overweight, elegantly-dressed street thug named Weird Walter, whose insatiable appetite for food gets him in trouble. ZB says that the story starts with WW getting arrested for stealing 18 kruellers from Duncan's Donuts, a fictional stand-in for Dunkin Donuts. ZB compares it to the Queens-based fast food eatery called McDowell's in Coming to America, starring teo guys he doesn't like. Tom identifies them as Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. He declines to explore the reasons for ZB's aversion to them. ZB thinks this is a fair decision.
The Men in Blue are called to investigate the pastry heist, and they work WW over, stripping away his tuxedo and battering his berry with their night sticks. ZB tells Tom that this is a particularly sick scene. WW gets very angry, and the cops throw him in a filthy jail. Tom thinks it's odd that he was jailed for wanting to eat, but ZB reminds him about the unlawful "liberation" of the DD kruellers. Tom feels really bad that he had trouble following the plot of this movie. ZB says it's actually quite simple and riveting. Tom thinks it seems classic in a way. ZB compares it to The Ruins, which he regrettably missed during its one-day theatrical run. The authorities put WW in a horrible orange jumpsuit and encased him in a giant cumberbund made of i-ren, a punishment not unlike the "hat of pickers" Jesus wore prior to his crucifixion. Tom is pretty sure that ZB is referring to the Crown of Thorns. ZB doesn't think so. Tom admits that he's not a Biblical scholar (ZB thinks he looks like one), but he's never head anyone call it a "hat of pickers." ZB wants Tom to IMDb it.
WW is in agony after several months of incarceration, and unbeknownst to him, the jail was constructed atop an ancient Quaker burial ground. ZB confirms that Tom is familiar with these very peaceful people. One night there is a tremendous lightning storm, and ZB wants Tom to guess what happens next. Tom guesses that WW is struck by lighting. ZB asks Tom if he read the script. Tom says that he's heard enough about the TLS oeuvre to know that structures built above ancient burial grounds and lightning strikes are two of his favorite plot devices. ZB the spirits of the Quaker warriors are unleashed after the jail gets hit by the bolts. They spring to life and possess WW's body, infecting him with their anger and causing him to blow multiple gaskets. WW then seeks revenge on the cops and all those who refused to give him substenance. Tom says that "sustenance" is the correct term for the food and nutrients necessary to survive. ZB clarifies that he's referring to the stuff WW loves to chew and devour. WW is now transformed into The Man in the Iron Mask/Girth Man, an oversized superhero who fights crime and ne'er-do-wells by shoving his fat rolls in their faces. ZB says that the now-possessed WW also beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund as he skips around from the classical musical days to the year 2091.
Tom is a bit puzzled about how TLS will handle the time-travel component of the film. ZB says he's using flashbacks, flash-forwards, and even a flash-sideways as an homage to Funny Farm, starring Cha-vee Chase and Mary Steamvirgin. Tom doesn't think she was in it, and he knows her last name is Steenburgen. WW arms himself by fashioning whip from barbed wire and cumberbund shrapnel, and chiseling a pointed knife from his own filth. Tom is disgusted by the latter weapon, but ZB convincingly argues that it wouldn't really be a true TLS production without this kind of makeshift implement. ZB thinks the knife is similar to the device used by someone they all know. Tom says it's Judge Davies, but ZB was actually thinking of the apparatus used by Pablo Fontana. Tom points out that it was a variant of the device. ZB is not familiar with the word "variant" so he writes it down because he likes to build a nice vocabulary. Tom thinks he has a very good one, and ZB appreciates the compliment. ZB says that's all TLS has told him about the ideas for the script.
ZB hopes to include a lot of his barbershop renditions of other music in the film. He recently invented a new genre called Horrorshop to compliment TLS's demented vision. Tom knows he's done uptempo rock with Barbershop Sweat, and ZB recalls that Tom's ladyfriend enjoyed those songs. He also did the much filthier Barbershop Eros last year, which literally oozed eroticism and bordered on performance art. ZB knows Barberie really liked that. He says that Horrorshop essentially involves him taking the best black-, grind-, and death-metal and shopping it up. Tom wants to wants to know how he manages to shop up death metal. ZB says he considers the original intentions of the lyrics to make it apropos to the barbershop milieeeeuuuu. Tom says he'd like to hear an example of a horrorshopping spree. ZB is ready to lead with a selection from Darkthrone. Tom is not familiar with the band, and ZB calls him a fool for not knowing that they are purveyors of pure Norwegian black metal. ZB takes a moment to get his pipes happening and find the right note, which in this case approximates the death rattle of a dying animal. He then launches right into "Pure Demonic Blessing" from the Goatlord compilation of the 1990-1991 demos. Tom waves him off after the first verse of "beast come to me / possess me as I burn / into your realms" because he doesn't like what he hears. ZB convinces him to listen to the second verse: "Come raging chaos / rule power from your soul / pure demoniac blessing / as I kill myself in woe." Tom thinks the material is a bit too heavy for the barbershop treatment. ZB reminds Tom that the songs will serve as the soundtrack to The Man in the Iron Cumberbund. Tom prepares himself to think in terms of how they will work with the story. ZB tells him he will have to think in general, which is something he never does. ZB calls out to Roy for confirmation, but the only other person in the studio is named Mike.
Tom is concerned about Mike's condition after his traumatic rescue mission. Mike is hanging in there, but he's still toweling off all the oil. ZB says he'll need another application when he makes his exit. He admits that his oil is very oily, which is something a lot of his lovers have complained about. Tom thinks that's disgusting, so ZB asks him if he'd prefer a little Napalm Death. Tom correctly assumes that he doesn't really have much of a choice. ZB selects "Polluted Minds" from their classic 1987 grindcore debut Scum. He asks Tom if he reads Decibel, which ZB considers the greatest grind magazine on the market. Tom doesn't read it, and ZB says he missed their recent feature on the making of Scum in honor of its 20th anniversary. He finds his note again, a bit more guttural this time:
They not only pollute the air
They pollute our minds
They're destroying the earth
And destroying mankind
Tom waves him off again because he's getting a headache. ZB starts the second verse of "They don't give a ..." before Tom cuts him because he senses imminent filth. ZB isn't pleased that that Thought Police have arrived. He thinks Tom is worse than Officer Harrups. Tom points out that there are broadcasting rules he must follow.
ZB says Harrups took away his vintage car/planter because it was overflowing with weeds. Tom vaguely recalls previously discussing the planter, but he tries to forget the particulars of ZB calls. ZB acknowledges that a lot of people try to block him out. Tom says he has a screaming headache from listening to his voice. ZB promises to make the pain go away right now if Tom can answer one question: Do ya love Deicide? Tom doesn't think his response will affect ZB's decision to sing one of their songs. ZB wonders what Tom would pick as the one Deicide song he'd like to hear rendered in the barbershop tradition. Tom's not sure, so ZB thinks "Conquered By Sodom" from 2004's Scars of the Crucifix would be his choice. Tom says he can't think of one he'd want to hear more. ZB finds his note in the form of an anguished moan:
The silence has been broke for centuries denied,
Indulgence overlooked ignored and put aside.
The light of god diminished by his holy priest,
Tom cuts him off because he doesn't like where the lyrics are headed. ZB intends to close his set with a song from a man named Kevin, who is probably the greatest songwriter of their generation. He informs Tom that Kevin, who has passed on, is better known by his stage name of GG Allin. ZB wants to perform a GG song called "I Kill Everything I ...," but Tom won't even let him say the full title. ZB concludes that his appearance was worthless. Tom tells him that he didn't even invite him. ZB thinks Tom is probably glad that he did make the trip. Tom says he enjoyed it in a trainwreck kind of way. ZB says he's going to put that train back on the rails and ride it to victory. Even though he can see him, ZB asks Tom is he's strapped in and wearing a helmet because he, Zachary Brimstead, Esq., is very excited to be tossing his cumberbund into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. Tom doesn't remember him being a resident of Newbridge proper, but ZB says he has a cot within city limits. He thought he only needed 36 signatures, so he asks Tom to sign his petition to make it official. Tom doesn't want to sign it and has no intention of voting for him. ZB tells call screener Dell to come over to sign the petition. Tom says his name is Mike, and he's also running for mayor. ZB tells Mike that he will need his help getting through the door so he can canvass the are to obtain the final signature. He thinks he may have to go to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to see if Werner will sign it. ZB thought he looked like a Nazi, but found him oddly likable. Tom confirms that he's a scary, intense guy. ZB summons Mike to grease him up big time for his grand exit. He asks Mike to help him up, and Tom wants to get him out as soon as possible. ZB directs Mike to grab him by his haunches, and he seems to really enjoy the sensation of the initial attempts before getting stuck again. Just like his entrance, a big push on the count of 3 pops him loose.
[More to come.]
On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom delivers another three hours of mirth, music, and mayhem. What did you ever do?