Recidivism.

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"Help me with my interests! I'd like to buy records! I really want that new Husker Du album. Somebody, please, throw money into my milk jug so I can go record shopping!" -- A young Tom Scharpling, panhandling to fund his hobbies

"The wrestling, you know, I could take or leave unless it's, you know, wrestling beneath the sheets." -- Gene Simmons, supporting the bedroom-based form of the ancient sport

"Please. $5,000 is what I have in my pajamas." -- Gene Simmons, urging Tom to increase his guess on the amount of money in his bulging wallet

"Oh, Mr. Simmons ..." -- Tom, responding to Gene's desire to have his $3 billion rub against him

"Now I think he's running around Haight-Ashbury, looking for a bong. The Golden Bong." -- Tom, revealing the central quest in the new Indiana Jones pitcher

"No one likes that. Kurosawa didn't like Kurosawa." -- Tom, informing The Sixth Beatle that he's alone in his love for the Japanese filmmaker

"Greatness pours out of you like sweat out of Harry Knowles." -- Tom, comparing Weirder Jon's effortless calling skills to the profuse perspiration of the portly pundit

"This Hitler, thumbs all the way down on this guy, straight across the board -- nothing about this guy gets anything but a thumbs down. He is a grade. A. jerk." -- Tom, denouncing the Nazi leader after learning about his atrocities in an audio lecture series

"I like a lot of those Vivaldi tunes. He lays down some good stuff. Another good tunesmith: Beethoven. You might want to check him out. Good songwriter." -- Tom, praising some of his favorite classical hitmakers

"I need this so much less then you need it. I need this so much less than you need it. You can't do better than me, but I can do better than you." -- Tom, contemplating retirement after a caller mentions a trip to a brothel

"She's still tasty, I think. Even in those Grumpy Pants movies." -- Paul, finding continued appeal in mid-1990s Ann-Margaret

"I can't really express myself with words so I draw pitchers and then when I like stand up there and say them, it makes it look like I'm actually reading the words, but I'm just actually like saying what the pitchers say." -- Paul, explaining his peculiar method for translating his speech notes into verbal communication

"The princess and the hot guy, they ended up kinda living happily ever after, and they had a lot of sex and stuff." -- Paul, summarizing the exciting conclusion to the classic tale of Sergio de Burgerback

"Why? Because they exploded those four times?" -- Paul, wondering why Tom sided with Gwen on the perils of mixing fireworks and children

"You know some guy in Japan is paying like $30,000 for that." -- Paul, lamenting Bill's big score of a Dean Smith-autographed Season of Glass LP

"Well, you know, I've never felt that Gwen respected me, and who commands more respect than the Hulkster? I mean, some would argue Randall Savage does, but I don't think that's quite so." -- Paul, hoping to win back his wife via Hogan-delivered flowers

"She says it was just some fat guy in a headband and wrestling tights. I knew I should've hired Randall Savage." -- Paul, regretting his choice of wrestling legend

"I'm just so sorry and ... um ... basically here's what happened, alright: Tom Scharpling told me to take out that money that you reserved for the care of your sweet ma-ma and pa-pa." -- Paul, coming clean about why he raided Gwen's bank account

He forced me to do it. He's a sadist! Yeah, he's positively Draculian." -- Paul, noting the extreme ways that Tom exerts his influence

"Yeah, our family's pretty awesome. We haven't written any books or started any companies or anything, but ... we obviously don't know our Scarface, either." -- Bonnie, pointing out some minor shortcomings of her otherwise royal clan

[TBSOWFMU - 5/20/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Mudhoney - "Twenty Four"

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Cheveu - "Jacob's Fight"

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Cheap Time - "People Talk"

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Fastbacks - "The Jester"

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Robert Pollard - "1 Years Old"

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Free Kitten - "Sea Sick"

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TMA - "You Crack Me Up"

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Mudhoney - "Tales of Terror"

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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- John in Houston heard Tom express disinterest in what Pugsley Adams was up to these days when he was listening to some recent podcasts. He doesn't have any Pugsley news, but he did grow up with the kid who played him in the early-1990s film adaptations. Tom considers these the "cool" versions ("This isn't your father's Addam's Family!") compared to television serial featuring Ken Weatherwax in the Pugsley role. John calls his generation's Pugsley a punk, so Tom bids him good day before he can further besmirch the good name of young Jimmy Workman.

Let's do dis. We can do dis. Tom Scharpling is back again for another Tuuuuuesday night extravagonza. Music? Check. Mirth? On the way. The mayhem is always guaranteed. Since the ABBA box is still on hiatus under the New Regime, the best Tom could do was a quick fix via The Paragons' "Abba" from Le Beat Bespoke, Volume 3 compilation. He knows his buddy is listening, so he tells him to keep his distance and respect the New Rules. Tom promises that there will be room for him down the road. Tom wanted to play Wings' "Hi Hi Hi" in his opening set, but he had to settle for "Getting Closer" from Back to the Egg because Wings Greatest was missing from the WFMU library. Tom suspects that the disc is located inside Mike the Associate Producer's mysterious briefcase. Mike waves it around to mock Tom's lowly gym bag, but it only contains an apple and a newspaper.

Tom eliminated Open Phone Tuesday in the Old Regime, and it will remain an evergreen of the past, nestled next to the Betamax format and The Ragman. He thinks he needs to change something else this week because he's ready to walk. According to some observers, The Best Show has peaked, and its best days are in the rearview mirror of radio history. Tom has already seen certain people from the show entertaining offers to flee to other programs. For example, Mike is considering a move to The 700 Club, which isn't surprising considering he recently said that Terry Meeuwsen was "still tasty" even 35 years after winning the Miss America Pageant. Tom peered into Mike's briefcase and found a letter from Pat Roberston in which the televangelist beseeched his call screener to join his CBN talk show. Tom concludes that Mike is a headhunter -- he goes where the grass is greenest. The harsher New Regime continues to silence the phones. Tom wonders if he's competing with a State of the Union address, but it's just two fairly meaningless primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. He points out that Obama is the favorite to win in Oregon, especially among the Portland street trash. In fact, his state campaign headquarters is staffed exclusively by local skate punks that were wrangled by Gus Van Sant.

The other day Tom was driving along in - you guessed it - his car, and he stopped at a traffic light. He spotted some of those people who come around with coffee cans and milk jugs looking for spare change for some charity. If it's for a good cause (firemen, sick kids, LifeChanges, etc.), Tom will gladly throw in some money. However, he's far less willing to finance Tier 2 causes: personal interests and hobbies like cheerleading. Tom will not donate $5 to keep the squad up and running because these girls should just help themselves by getting a job like the rest of the slobs out there. Tom points out that he wasn't panhandling at age 13 to help him buy that new Husker Dude record at the CD Submarine. He was out there working before the age of 12 (paper route!) so he didn't have to ask for handouts to go to the movies. On this day at this particular intersection Tom hit new lowpoint in misguided charity work in the form of a muscular tough guy with an Eminem haircut prowling around with a Sanka can trying to raise money for his wrestling team. He thinks the coffee canister should have had a "Finance Future Bullies of America" disclaimer written on it to alert people to where there money was really going. Tom refuses to help a jock squad learn how to more effectively torment regular kids. He compares it to financing a l'il terrorist cell where members undergo training on how to pick on nerds. Tom states for the record that he can't stand wrestling.

A bit later he mentions that he feared the inflated Marshall Mathers impersonator was going to punch through his window like The Hulk if he didn't pay up. While the steroidal solicitor wasn't wearing his singlet, he made up for it with a suitably dumb ensemble of a white t-shirt, baggy jeans, and a general aura of colossal stupidity. Tom questions the necessity of the entire enterprise because a school system could likely buy a set of mats to fully fund their wrestling programs for the next half-century. He thinks he'd be better off buying these wrestlers some beer because it would at least mellow them out. Tom strikes that after realizing that the alcohol would just transform them into drunk bullies.

- A caller says he wants everyone to stay off of alcohol because you'll never get anywhere doing that. He also has a simple question for Tom: "What do you have against cheerleaders?" The caller says he can take or leave wrestling unless it's the kind that takes place beneath the sheets. Tom doesn't care for the sexual reference, and he's not sure who unleashed it. The caller says he doesn't like to admit that he sometimes listens to the program, but he was compelled to call after he heard Tom mention Ragman, a character from a film he appeared in some 20-odd years ago. Tom says he was talking about the Ragman, an old-timey guy who used to go around collecting discarded rags. The caller is referring to the nickname of the lead character portrayed by Marc Price in the 1986 movie Trick or Treat (shot by eventual PTA cinematographer Robert Elswit.) The caller says he'll give Tom and Call Screener Kevin a hint about his identity. Mike thinks it's Glenn Danzig. The caller doesn't know who thaaat is. Tom knows it's not Danzig, and he's pretty sure it's another mayubernatorial candidate: Gene Simmons. He's right. The teetotaling Kiss bassist planned to provide a clue by reciting some lyrics he penned some 25 years ago:

So you've been to the mountain

And the meat looks good tonight

And the ladies in waiting

Will show you what it's all about

Tom recognizes it as the great opening verse from "Ladies in Waiting," so Gene assumes that he's a fan of the band. Tom says he's familiar with the song. Gene asks Tom why he's down on the cheerleaders. Tom explains that he has no problem with their recreational activity, but he will not pay for it. Gene says he's financed many cheerleaders over the years. Speaking of finances, he wants to play his beloved game of having Tom take a gander at how much money he has in his wallet. Tom initially guesses $5,000, and Gene wants him to guess again because that is the amount of money he keeps in his pajamas. Tom increases his guesses to $10,000, $20,000, $40,000, and $60,000 before Gene mentions that he's including checks in his total. Tom continues to lowball the figure with guesses in the $100,000 to $300,000 range, and Gene decides to just cut to the chase: $3 billion. Tom wants to know why he would keep that much money in his wallet. Gene says he likes to have the bulge of bills rub against him.

Tom can only muster an "Oh, Mr. Simmons" in response. Gene requests the song he co-wrote with Bob Dylan, and he feels so sorry for Tom because he doesn't know about this historic collaboration despite having a radio station. Gene says he's coming down to the studio to hit Tom with something. Tom correctly assumes that it will be his axe bass. Gene sees this as evidence that Tom is clairvoyant in addition to being stupid. Tom says he's knows it's his weapon of choice from his many previous threats. Gene denies any prior mentions of axe bass violence and tells Tom to get ready to taste the instrument. Tom asks him which wig he selected for this evening's attack, but Gene denies that he wears wigs at all. He fires back by saying that he's heard plenty of things about Tom, such as his use of a voice modulator and the boots that make him 7" taller because he's only 4' 8". Tom denies these charges. Gene wants him to confirm his height with call screener Garth, who estimates it at 6' 1". Tom puts it closer to 6' 3". Gene says he's 6' 3" sans boots and 8' 11.5" with boots. He wants Tom to play something else from his solo album, Ash Ole. Tom doubts the record is in the library. Gene hangs up to go have sex.

- Tyler from a space station in the Lower East Side of Manhempton calls to see if Tom saw Mister Loney, the new Harmony Korine film. Tom says he hasn't been able to get into any of the packed screenings. Tyler works at the IFC Center in NYC, where the film will be playing until this Friday. Tom says it's been sold out every time he tried to see it, and Tyler directly links the attendance figures to the quality of the film. He mentions that cinematic master Werner Herzog plays a priest in the film, which also boasts flying nuns. Tom is looking forward to Mister Lonely because he's a big Korine fan -- he saw Gummo 11 times and julien donkey-boy eight times. Tyler says that he's seen Gummo 30 times and can recite the entire script. Tom says "Script?!" accompanied by some cartoony noises to suggest that he did not think the film was written in advance of production. Tyler has seen Mister Lonely three times during its limited theatrical run. Tom reveals that Korine's next project will be Speed Racer 2, hopefully with Emile Hirsch reprising his title role. Tyler wonders if Andy Milonakis will appear in the sequel. Tom is not familiar with him. Tyler says he's the 35-year-old guy who looks like he's 13. He apparently had his own show on MTV. Tom says he will look into the Milonakis oeuvre. Tyler is convinced that Milonakis will unseat Hirsch as the lead, and Tom GOMPs him for egging him on. Tom will now write "Pick it up, Weisenheimer" on the side of his IFC Center popcorn bucket instead of disposing of it himself.

Tom reminds/warns everybody that this is the week that Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Legend of the Crystal Skull marauds through the nation's multiplexes. He hopes people are bracing themselves to be disappointed by a stinkbomb coated with too much George Lucas. Tom doesn't see how a movie featuring an elderly Harrison Ford running around with Shia Laboof could possibly be any good. The first film in the series took place in the 1940s, and now Ford has been transplanted to the Haight-Ashbury district in the 1960s in search of The Golden Bong. [Cue rousing theme.] Tom laments the CGI-fest he's seen in the TV spots.

- A caller asks Tom if he's taking calls about the new Indiana Jones movie. It's James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James. Tom thinks the toupee glue has now seeped deep within his cerebral cortex. He invites James to call back throughout the night to continue doing his sad little routine. Tom thinks the rapid repetition of "James" is beginning to sound a lot like "Shame." He renews his request for associates of James to offer him help, specifically Ramsey, his Good Guy friend.

- Peter Michael, the caller formerly known as "Petey," claims he's reached the advanced age of 17 despite appearing as little as a 10-year-old. Tom refuses to believe that he's almost an adult. Petey is willing to answer a quiz about his age, and he states his birth year as 1991. He wants Tom to ask Mike to help him come up with some additional questions that only a 17-year-old could answer. Tom starts to inquire about his musical interests, and Petey says he's a big fan of The Beatles just like every other kid his age. Tom thinks Hannah Montana and The Naked Jonas Brothers are more appropriate for his peer group. Petey also enjoys the films of Akira Kurosawa. Tom doesn't think anyone has ever liked those, including Kurosawa himself. Petey considers that a valid way of looking at audience response to the director's work.

Petey wonders if Tom's interests at this age included drugs. Tom sees the query as a telling example of what is at the forefront of Petey's mind these days. He asks Petey if he started selling drugs, or if he's still just buying them. Petey denies any involvement with drugs unless music is considered a drug. Tom notes that Petey actually made a "heh-heh" noise after his quip. Tom attempts to shift the call to more serious conversation by asking Petey how he's been doing. Petey says he's been listening to The Beatles since "we" broke up. Tom is confused by his choice of pronoun. Petey delivers the news: he was one of The Beatles. Tom realizes that he's workshopping a bit, perhaps for his new radio show called The Quiet Mule.

Petey says he used to hang out with George Harrison, who anointed him the littlest Beatle. He claims that he's listed as an official band member in an unspecified anthology. Tom wants him to rank The Beatles, but Petey declines to do that to his friends. Tom gives him credit for putting him in his place. As for his favorite Beatles song, Petey prefers "the oldies." Tom thinks that now describes their entire catalog, including the post-Lennon, fake Beatles song "Free As A Bird." Petey loves the tune, especialy since you can supposedly hear them chanting "Petey is The Beatle" if you play it backwards. Tom asks him if he's seen Intervention. Petey threatens to never call again if he keeps pressing him about the need for a confrontational meetup. Tom GOMPs him per the guidelines of the new Regime. Good enough doesn't cut it anymore. You either bring it, or you're gone.

- James calls back to take Tom up on his offer of a three-hour greenlight. Tom cuts him off and tells him to go re-center his toupee.

- A guy calls on the Old Line of Terror to point out that Petey outwitted Tom when he asked him to rank The Beatles. He feels that Petey had been saving up all of his power to reach this turning point in his Best Show career. Tom gives Petey his deserved kudos. He asks the caller why he's using a number that he hasn't given out in five years. The caller claims it's indicative of how long he's been calling the show. Tom GOMPs him.

- Norm from Montague has a comment about wrestling mats. Tom's had enough of the shenanigans, so it's time for a topic to try to repel the mutants.

About nine months ago Tom got a new Trēo -- a sturdy, rubberized device that bounces up like roundball every time it hits the ground. Since incoming calls were no longer audible, Tom took it in for some repairs. The Not-A-Marathon employee said it would be ready in a few hours, so Tom swung by to pick it up after a hard day at the double-C. The guy he dealt with earlier that morning promised a quick transaction, but he ended up waiting for 90 minutes. Tom saw his phone sitting alone on a shelf labeled "Pick-Ups" a mere six feet away from him. He had previously checked in at the podium, but his name was relegated to a weird, unnumbered sidebox instead of the main service screen. Since the guy was with the same customer for an hour, Tom thought he may have been providing guidance as part of a new build-your-own-phone option.

At this point Tom realized that less than 10 years ago he was not addicted to his cell phone. He wonders how he got to the point where he would wait 90 minutes so he could get it back. Tom makes it clear that he was not mad at the slobs working in the Not-A-Marathon store. He reserves his wrath for the snobs at the corporate headquarters who staffed it with just seven employees. The topic is on the table: How Did This Happen/How Did I Get Here? Tom imagines that James used to be a rosy-cheeked boy sliding down his Slip 'n Slide and eating ice cream before turning into a bald, sweaty creep, hellbent on ruining the thing he loves. He reminds listeners that if they provide three bad minutes of radio, they will get three bad minutes in return.

- Steve from North Hollywood, set nanny to the stars and flameout ROY candidate, calls to say that he's a bigtime supporter of the New Regime. He's stuck in his car and unable to listen live, so Tom GOMPs him for trying to wing it on live radio. Tom announces that people do not have to call just because they have access to a phone on a Tuesday night. He wants to know how this happened when he could be home reading a comic book.

- Some guy talking about The World of Peteys triggers Tom's first Three-Minute Rule punishment: a loop of various Beatles flubs and foolings around.

- Soundbyte John from Houston feels that he was unfairly punished while he was on hold during the three bad minutes. He claims he's one of the Good Guys. Not tonight!

- Emerson from Los Angeles calls to say he fell out of The Best Show loop during his transition from Chicago, but now he's back just in time for the New Regime. He plans to be the first good caller over an hour into the show. When he first moved to Chicago fresh out of college with a B.A. in journalism, he was surprised that the dump trucks full of cash didn't arrive with him. (He should have opted for the Doctorate of All.) Faced with some financial shortfalls, Emerson decided to sell his plasma to buy food. He recalls wondering how he landed in this situation as he sat with a needle in his arm in the Plasma Bank waiting area/screening room, which was showing Bringing Out The Dead. Tom thinks that third-tier Scorsese starring Nic Cage is an odd pairing for fluid donation. Emerson says he wants to shake the hand of the programmer who selected a film about ambulance technicians responding to gruesome medical emergencies as the entertainment for this operation. Tom thanks Emerson for getting the show back on track.

- Regular Caller Erika from Baltimore checks in with a topic entry that relates to her unsuccessful attempt to quit smoking earlier this year. While trying to kick her habit she went to the Royal Farms convenience store to buy a pack of the crappiest, harshest cigs she could find. Erika then smoked a single cigarette outside the store and discarded the rest of the pack. As she drove home, she wondered how she got so addicted to something. Tom wonders if this was some form of self-punishment. Erika says she didn't want to buy a pack of her preferred brand and smoke them in the comfort of her own couch. She was trying to make the ritual as unpleasant as possible. Erika is now smoking half as much as before, and she's getting primed for another full-on attack.

Tom knows she can do it not only for her own health, but also to provide her cats with the smoke-free environment they deserve. He promises to reinstate Erika's Supercaller status if she quits, and he further ups the ante with the offer of a three-month window of exclusivity. Mike says he can get her on the set of The 700 Club to meet his new friend, "Mr. R." Tom is amazed that Mike is already on such good terms with Pat Robertson. Mike is IMing with him right now, and Erika thinks that seems unprofessional. Tom also discovered that Robertson is the only friend in Mike's Facebook profile. Erika thinks it might be time for Mike to look in the mirror instead of watching Pat's Twitterings.

- Evan from Montclair (the original Old Regime Supercaller!) returns to the airwaves after an extended podcasting hiatus to discuss the daily how-did-I-get-here moments that come with the life of a parent. Since his wife lets his kids select the music for car voyages, Evan has to deal with a rotation heavy with the soundtracks to Grease and Seussical. The programming arrangement has foiled his plans to be the Cool Dad who lets his kids listen to his music. Tom is alarmed that Grease is child-approved because he considers it to be a pornographic work. Evan admits that tracks like "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee" raise some questionable morality issues. Tom recommends alerting DYFS to the daily filthcast in his vehicle. Evan says the playlists also include a John Waters soundtrack that's even worse. Tom wonders if he's showing his kids Pink Flamingos on the DVD player in the minivan. Evan says one of his kids is a big fan of Abel Ferrara's hard-R crime drama, Bad Lieutenant, which is now being remade by Werner Herzog with Nicolas Cage replacing Harvey Keitel in the lead. Somebody alert the Plasma Bank in Chicago! Evan says he always thought Cage would be more appropriate in that role. Tom is looking forward to the updated version where Cage can battle his inner demons with the assistance of e-mail.

Evan's not sure if a series of bad decisions led him to occasionally watch American Idol, or if this is just the natural progression of his existence. Tom says he has nothing to complain about since he has a nice family. Evan explains that he just finds it unusual in a fun way, not a sad way. He's similarly perplexed that he's gone from working on some interesting television shows to his shift at Arby's. Evan reveals that he's actually working for one of the big weapons news companies. Tom asks him if it's Fox. He wishes it was Fox.

- Noah calls from Brooklyn Heights, his new stomping grounds as of a week ago, to contribute a medley of surprising destinations. He's always dreamed of living in BH, and he's not sure how his fontasy became residential reality. Since Noah is a bit nervous, Tom directs him to gently -- but firmly -- clonk his Nokia cell phone against his forehead to help him maintain his focus. Noah says that he somehow found himself in a bowling alley last night with Yoko Ono as part of the STRIKE II: Visual AIDS Vanguard Awards event. He never thought he'd be a person who makes buttons for a living, but he designed a series of Safe Sex buttons for the organization as part of his successful enterprise.

Tom confirms that he recently spotted Noah harassing someone* on an episode of the short-lived reality skein, Artstar, which airs on the Shout! Gallery HD network. Noah says that his victim was also at the bowling alley last night. While he's still somewhat amused by Noah's antics, he told Jeff Koons to steer clear of his mailing list. Tom thinks it's time for Noah to drop the "Shock Jock" routine and change the name of his company. Noah argues that it's special to him because he launched the brand when he was 14. He wants Tom to let the listeners in on the inside joke, but Tom won't even say it out loud. Noah reveals that his eight-tentacled media empire is known as Retard Riot. Tom recommends changing it to anything else and GOMPs him.

--------
*I only caught a brief snippet of the episode in question, but I did see Noah poking Matthew Barney with a razor cane while Dave Lombardo banged out Slayer's "Aggressive Perfector" on his** bare bottom.

**Noah's!

- Colleen from Baton Rouge, LA, really likes tonight's topic because it's something she's said to herself every day for the past year. She moved to the somewhat scary South from Brooklyn because her fiancée is attending graduate school at LSU. Tom is concerned about encounters with weird mountain people, but Colleen has discovered a far worse group: insane LSU Tigers football fans. She reports that the entire area (even the wood chips) is drenched in purple and gold, and the locals are already counting down the days until the team begins their quest to repeat as National Champions.

Tom knows that Colleen is a healthy eater, so he wants to know how she's faring with the new food scene. Colleen, a vegetarian who has added some fish to her diet, says she's been unable to avoid a significant weight gain since she arrived in town. She was surprised to find out that hard-boiled eggs and Cool Whip are the two main ingredients for much of the cuisine. Tom wants to know if they would put Cool Whip on a hard-boiled egg, and Colleen thinks the dessert topping could easily infiltrate any dish. She just learned about another Cajun treat that involves soaking corn bread in kane syrup and mashing it up in a bowl. Tom christens the makeshift porridge the "Diabetes Special." Colleen also recently heard the slang term "tump," a union of "tip" and "dump" that could be used to describe the toppling of a friend doing a keg stand while tailgating at a Tigers game. In a nutshell, Colleen can't believe that she went from being an editor at a NYC magazine to hanging around BaRou eating pimento cheese and hunting snakes for dinner.

Since her fiancé has two more years of school, Tom thinks she should start walking 10 miles/day to combat the heavy Southern grub. Colleen says her current regimen of one mile/day plus the bleachers at a nearby high school falls well short of Tom's training plan. She mentions that her walks used to prompt concerned locals to wonder if her car broke down . Tom tries to lure her into a Rocky IV-style gym with the aid of a high-energy iPod playlist, but Colleen prefers to do something real outside instead of getting tumped around in a hamster wheel. Tom's heard enough crying - he tells Colleen to take a book to the gym and get to work. He had accidentally blocked Colleen on IM, so he unblocks her, but she scolds him for the original blockage, so he reblocks her for 10 years.

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood arrives to take the show all the way back to where it belongs. He's got the shakes from the pressure of the New Regime, but Tom is confident that greatness will continue to pour out of him as freely as the sweat of Harry Knowles. WJ thanks Tom for what he reluctantly classifies as a compliment. When he and his wife were cash-strapped students a friend came through with a one-off gig that involved boarding a van with 30 other people armed with confetti canons. WJ assumed the gang was headed for something very exciting, but his friend drove them to the Prudential building in Newark. The assignment was blasting confetti to celebrate the official announcement of the transition to Prudential Investments. WJ says it was still kind of fun, but some of the suits scoffed at how the confetti crew were making ends meet. Tom points out that now WJ can hire people to fire off canons to complete the circle. He did it! (No, he didn't.) Tom declares tonight's show a stone-cold dud that is destined for the scrap heap. Mike contributes to the topic with an improbable session at the Turkey's Nest while death metal blared from the speakers. Tom thinks the tavern should be raided.

- Tom announces that he's been plowing through the Great Books series in an attempt to be less stupid. He's currently enrolled in A History of Hitler's Empire, a set of recorded lectures from UPENN History Professor Thomas Childers, who is welcomed with some highly inappropriate fanfare. The format is the same for each lecture: fancy-schmancy (and fake) classical music lifted from an investment firm commercial followed by a narrator stating the chapter and title of the lesson. It then cuts right to the students applauding for the lecturer, and this is where things get dicey. Tom plays a clip where the voiceover introduces "Lecture 11: Holocaust: Hitler's War Against the Jews" to a rousing reception. He wonders if the classroom is full of weird Nazis celebrating their hero's atrocities. While it makes Tom sick to his stomach, Mike loves it. Tom plays another clip where "Lecture 12: The Final Solution" is given a similar reception. He thinks the unintentional effect of this odd juxtaposition is that the lectures were held in Dusseldorf or Munich instead of an American university.

After sitting for several sessions, Tom is ready to give the entirety of Hitler's existence a thumbs all the way down. He believes the man is a grade-A jerk. Mike claims he's an artist. Tom notes that Hitler got thrown of art school school, but Mike gives him credit for trying. (It's difficult to separate the art from the artist, but I've always admired the formal rigor and emotional exploration of a pre-jerk Hitler's early short film, Spiegel, Mutter, Spiegel.) Tom is very unsettled to be sharing studio space with a Nazi sympathizer. He whispers an announcement to listeners about upcoming auditions for a new call screener for the New Regime. Tom requests two muscle men (my picks: Tank and Yuri, Tornado Todd's Siberian enforcer) to help him escort the feisty Mike off the premises. He is prepared for the possibility that Mike is now storing a firearm in his briefcase. Mike appears to send Tom a message later in the show by openly reading Guns & Ammo, Soldier of Fortune, and American Counter-Terrorist while on the job.

- Tom in Austin calls with a HDIGH moment that originated with his former girlfriend's employment at a costume shop. Tom in Jersey City halts the entry to further discuss this boutique. Tom in Austin says it was located in Vancouver, so Tom in JC assumes they were well-stocked with Trailer Park Boys get-ups. Tom in Austin says it was actually a top-notch shop supplying legit costumes (magicians, gladiators, cavemen, etc.) for the local film industry. He agreed to a deal where his girlfriend would pick out a pair of costumes that they would then wear out on the town (not on Halloween) as a lark. When it was time to get dressed, his costume was revealed: a white, WW2-era Gene Kelly sailor suit. Tom in Austin says his girlfriend wore a classy, 1940s dress that looked normal.

As the night progressed they decided to visit a strip club. When Tom in Austin entered the establishment all of the strippers thought a ship had docked in town. He got lots of weird attention because they assumed the rest of his crew was en route. Tom in Austin is normally uncomfortable at strip clubs, and this made the experience even creepier, as did the DJ's attempts get him to go on stage to sing Village People songs. Tom in JC is sure that the other prevert patrons would have loved the burlesque performance complete with a nice soft-shoe. Tom in Austin tried to keep up the act that he was an actual seafarer, but he eventually explained that he was just a willing boyfriend. The strippers were angry about not getting pizz-aid by his shipmates.

- Joanna calls from Portland, OR, which is back to its lovely seasonal temperatures after a brief spell of extreme heat. Tom is currently dealing with warm Jersey days that yield freezing, rainy nights that are more appropriate for the month of February. Joanna thinks that these 40-degree temperatures shifts every 12 hours are signs of the looming apocalypse. Tom blames it on global warming ... dun-dun-duhhhhhh! Joanna wants to put a positive spin on the topic because the tone of the calls is making her a bit depressed. Tom agrees that it's been a bummer. Joanna says that when she woke up from a nap earlier today her baby boy was sporting a huge grin. She experienced an awesome HDIGH moment over his happiness to be alive and hanging out with her. Tom agrees that this is a sweet moment for a lucky lady. However, he balances out the karma by GOMPing the proud mother for showing off. He thinks Portland is too sick of an environment for raising children.

- Andrew in Philadelphia calls, but he's not the Andrew in Philadelphia (aka Freddy). He tells Tom that he's the AiP who recently sent him an e-mail to complain about the podcast not showing up on Thursday as scheduled. Andrew mentions that he did contribute to WFMU during the marathon to support the podcast format. Tom gives him permission to talk to his boss about docking his pay for the mishap. He's also ready to follow the lead of Jimmy Parton's Never Funny podcast by switching to a subscription-based approach. Andrew says he'd probably pay for it. Tom knows that he and a long line of others would gladly hand over their money to keep listening to this great show. Andrew wants to get back to his topic entry, but Tom informs him that one of his flights of fancy is still airborne. He's sick of giving away the show for free in various formats. It's time for a straight-up cashout.

A couple of years ago Andrew was living downtown with his wife, and they decided to go on a camping trip. He came home from his night shift, packed all day, attended a function for a friend that was moving away, got home later that night, told his wife to get some rest for the long drive ahead, and resumed packing. Tom is intrigued by the preparations and asks Andrew about the length of his drive. Andrew says it took about four hours to arrive in Chincoteague Island, Virginia. Tom needs some additional details to really get the whole feel of the voyage. He assumes that Andrew was traveling at around 65 mph. Andrew says his wife was driving, but the speed sounds about right. He served as the music programmer with a selection of CDs: The Kinks' The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society, some hip-hop, and Hank Williams.

Tom notes the diversity of his ABBA-to-Zappa playlist. Andrew reluctantly admits to liking a bit of everything, but Tom catches him in a bit of a fib. Andrew then admits that he doesn't know much about classical music beyond his enjoyment of the theme song to Platoon. Tom is sure that the composer is pleased to hear his composition referred to as "The Theme from Platoon." Andrew isn't concerned because he's dead. Mike thinks Giorgio Moroder wrote the theme, but Andrew is certain that is incorrect. Tom discovers that it was Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings". Andrew likes Barber's song, and Tom agrees that it's a good song. He also enjoys Mozart's hit single "Concerto No. 5," the (greasy?) tunes Vivaldi lays down, and the songwriting chops of Ludwig van Beethoven. Andrew says he's familiar with the latter artist. Tom performs the opening of Beethoven's "Symphony No. 5 (Radio Edit)" and resists the temptation to insert a GOMP into its melody.

Andrew is still packing, a (seemingly-epic) task that required 40 trips up and down the stairs. Tom requests some additional details about each of these trips. Andrew says he was just carting a bunch of camping gear. The story takes a dark turn when a scary, nameless bar up the corner emptied a band of crazies (zumbies?) onto the street at closing time. Tom wonders if they were old-weird crazy or young-aggressive crazy. Andrew says they were loud-crazy, perhaps the result of some illegal activities throughout the evening. Two of these crazies, a man and woman in their 40s, cornered Andrew to ask him for some money to buy food. While nothing was open in the neighborhood at that time of night, Andrew gave them $10 so he could return to his packing and get some sleep after being up for 30+ hours. The couple asked him which house he lived in so they could eventually return to pay him back. Andrew told them not to worry about it. Tom compares the potential unpleasantness of a return visit to The Strangers, speculating that they would use the money to buy weird masks to wear when they came back to terrorize him.

The guy thanked Andrew and extended his hand to conclude the transaction. Andrew declined the offer due to his germaphobia. The guy got offended by his refusal to shake and asked for an explanation. Andrew told him that his OCD makes him afraid of such human contact. The guy wanted to hear more about this condition, so Andrew delivered a quick, streetside lecture on psychological disorders. The couple then joined hands to circle Andrew while praying for Jesus to sooth his troubled soul. Andrew had no idea how he got in the middle of this impromptu ritual. Tom says he would have asked for his $10 back and fought him for it if he met any resistance. Andrew thinks that would have just caused additional problems, especially since he's more of a classical music fan than a fighter. Tom tells Andrew that he's top-notch and bids him goodnight. Tom was confused about the notch-rating system and quickly changes his assessment of Andrew to bottom-notch.

- Josh calls from Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, where the cocaine sometimes flows like water outside of the methadone clinic up on the corner. Tom takes the opportunity to propose his solution to the ongoing fight to save Park Slope's Union Hall: take a wrecking ball to it. Josh is with him on that plan. He says he's been trying to follow the story that may involve noise complaints from neighbors and an anti-stroller policy. Tom believes that people will go to one of the other 9,500 bars in Brooklyn if Union Hall is shut down. Josh says he prefers Southpaw. Tom enjoys that venue, as well as some of the people in Brooklyn, but he'd still like to see the entire borough get walled in. Josh says he used to live in Manhattan, and now he's become a big fan of his new digs. He also praises Mike's call screening efforts in an attempt to get on the air every week.

Josh sets the scene for his HDIGH moment in the mid-1990s at the Windows on the World bar, which offered a great view, some good DJ/band bookings, and an eclectic mix of patrons ranging from strange businessmen to hipsters. He begins to discuss a besuited gentleman roaming around the bar with a parrot on his shoulder, but Tom has to dump him for using sewer language. He reminds listeners that Al Goldstein and Ron Jeremy are not running this family show. Tom cites this as further evidence supporting a walled Brooklyn where residents can pollute each other with their own filth. He does an impression of the parrot denouncing Josh as a jerky toilet mouth.

- Ryan in Flanders, NJ, calls to discuss a night of debauchery when he lived in Korea for a year. He went to an area of town with a lot of foreigners (i.e., not Koreans) for drinking sessions that left him and his cohorts wasted and confused at 4:30 a.m. Since the subway system shut down from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., Ryan and a friend decided to pass the time by heading to separate brothels. Tom's heard enough. He says he's done because he needs this so much less than you need it. You can't do better than Tom, but he can do better than you.

- A caller tells Tom not to knock brothels. It's Paul, Tom's CC co-worker and volleyball teammate, who is tuning into The Best Show while in the midst of a rough night. He doesn't want to be a pest, but he noticed that Tom didn't bring the book he wanted to volleyball last night. Tom apologizes for neglecting his request. Paul says he really needs that book because he's been going nuts since his wife, Gwen, left him two days ago. Tom points out that he's largely to blame for Gwen's abrupt departure. Paul believes that marriage is a two-way street, although he does admit to doing some bad stuff in the past. Tom laughs at the massive understatement because it would take an hour to fully detail Paul's offenses, which, considering his introductory directive, may involve ladies of the night. Paul explains that this is exactly why he needs the book so badly.

Tom asks Paul why he thinks The New Rules for Marriage: How to Keep Your Relationship Hot in the 1970s is such a crucial read for dealing with domestic tumult in 2008. Paul says that it really spoke to him when he saw it on Tom's bookshelf and skimmed through the pages. He couldn't locate it at any bookstores, so he was hoping Tom could lend it to him. Tom says he bought the book for 5 cents at garage sale last year mainly because of the goofy cover: a super-70s couple clearly modeled after Swedish tennis star Bjorn Borg and WKRP in Cincinnati starlet Loni Anderson. Paul suspects the Loni lookalike may have attracted him to the tome. However, the advice on the inside hit home, and he took notes on some of the key points. He asks Tom if he knows where they hold "est" meetings in Newbridge. Tom confirms that Paul is referring to the Erhard Seminars Training self-empowerment course that was popular in the 1970s. Paul thought the intense weekenders sounded cool. Tom doesn't think anybody still administers the courses in the area. Paul crosses it off his list of potential marital remedies.

He hopes that the Newbridge Video Den carries three instructional titles for couples that he read about in the book: Carnal Knowledge (1971), Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969), and Looking for Mr. Goodbars (1977). Tom seriously doubts that the Video Den has these older releases. Paul says he's heard that Ann-Margaret is hott stuff in Carnal Knowledge, and he thinks she remained "tasty" up through those Grumpy Pants movies with the old guys in the 1990s. Tom realizes that Paul is referring to Grumpy Old Men and its grumpier sequel. Paul believes that one of the old men is played by Jack Lennon. Tom is positive that it's acting legend Jack Lemmon. Paul confuses matters even more by stating that Jack Lennon is related to John Lemmon. Tom disagrees with everything that Paul just said.

Paul also found a lot of good suggestions for fun couples activities to explore common interests and help weave a tapestry of a good relationship. He asks Tom if he knows where he can purchase a CB radio in Newbridge. Tom doubts there are any remaining retail outlets for this device. Paul wants to know where Tom and Jillian Barberie go jogging, but Tom says they don't really jog. Paul gets frustrated that he keeps striking out with the concepts from the book. He wonders if Newbridge still has the World Hockey League team. Tom says the Newbridge Hockey Sticks franchise went out of business in 1979. Paul begins to question the value of the seemingly outdated book, and Tom agrees that it's probably not the best resource for reinvigorating his marriage. Paul doesn't want Tom to bother bringing it to work tomorrow morning prior to another volleyball session.

Paul thinks he has another idea that will be more effective than the obsolete self-helper. He mentions that he always gets tongue-tied when he gets nervous, including an embarrassing performance at a CC sales meeting where he stammered unintelligibly for five minutes instead of giving a proper speech. Tom remembers the incident and estimates the stammer time closer to the range of 10-15 minutes. Paul didn't realize it was that bad, and he hopes that Tom was the only person who noticed his profuse sweating. Tom says everybody noticed. Paul is concerned that Sheila was one of these people. Tom's not sure if she ever made any specific comments about his perspiration. Paul thanks Tom for the 100th time for helping him out with the great speech. Tom says he was forced to essentially make an impromptu presentation because nobody could even decipher what Paul intended to deliver. Paul admits that his penmanship leaves a little to be desired. Tom asks him if his speech notes even contained words because he mainly saw weird, scribbly symbols. Paul says that he can't really express himself with words, so he draws pitchers to make it appear like he's actually reading words when he has to do any public speaking.

Tom takes this to mean that Paul is unable to read or write. Paul sort of asks for a definition of those terms. Tom confirms that Paul can recognize things as being words, but he is unable to easily interpret and articulate them. Tom assumes that it took him a long time to stare at the marriage book to get anything out of it. Paul says it took him about four hours to absorb the material. Tom says he wasn't sure what Paul was doing as he stood still in front of his bookshelf for that length of time. He definitely didn't think that Paul was only perusing one book. Tom asks him how he figured out a word like "jogging." Paul says that it takes him an average of 42 passes/word to get to the point where he can makes sense of it. Tom thinks some kind of remedial adult education for reading may be worthwhile. He wonders how Paul got through school and landed his job at CC with these basic deficiencies.

After it became apparent in the first grade that learning was too hard, Paul would pretend to get hurt on a piece of gym apparatus or claim that he found a rat or snake in his lunch at some point during every school year through the end of high school. He says that his daddy would then threaten to sue the school, so they just passed him along to the next grade to avoid the legal hassles. Tom refers to this as a false lawsuit, and Paul wants him to define "false." Tom asks him if he really saw a rat or snake in his lunch. Paul did not. When he got to the University of Newbridge State, he exploited the so-called myth that granted an academic free pass to a student whose roommate died. Paul says that UNS had this policy in place up until 2000. He laments the tragic deaths that befell all of his roommates over his eight semesters at the school. Tom asks Paul how they died. After an extended period of silence, Paul asks Tom if he would use his word expertise to help him with something.

Paul wants Tom to be his Sergio the Burgerback, and Tom wants to know what that is before accepting the role. Paul is surprised that Tom owns all those books, but hasn't heard one of the greatest stories of all-time. Tom has no idea what he's talking about. Paul is very excited to finally getting the chance to take Tom to school. He explains that once upon a time there was a German man, who, like him, was really good-looking and great at volleyball. He was totally in love with the princess of Germany, but he didn't know what to say to her during the wooing process. The German then enlisted his hideous friend, Sergio, who had a hump that was shaped like a handburger, as his courtship coach. Paul says that Sergio was very elegant with words. Tom tells him that the correct term is "eloquent." Paul disagrees. Tom wants to move forward with the story of Sergio the Burgerback. Paul says that Sergio would stand in the bushes and feed awesome lines to the hot German. The princess ended up falling in love with him, and they lived happily ever after in a life filled with a lot of sex. Tom believes he just heard a bizarre adaptation of the story of French playwright Cyrano de Bergerac.

Paul suspects that Tom is probably thinking about the plot from Roxanne, the comedic film adaptation scripted by Sting. Tom says that Sting didn't write the screenplay, and Paul wants him to ask call screener Greil about that. Tom doesn't even have to consult with Mike on this one. He remembers it being a Steve Martin movie, but Paul is convinced it starred Marty Feldman as a weird-eyed Sergio assisting the hot fireman. Tom says it was Steve Martin with an elongated nose. Paul thinks he's making that up. Regardless of the correct actor/odd facial feature pairing in the film, Paul wants to know if Tom will be his real-world StB. Tom declines. Paul is disappointed because Tom is very good at coming up with stuff to say to people. While he's certainly skilled in this area, Tom is not interested in telling people what to say to solve their own personal conflicts.

Paul says that absent Scharpling-dictated dialogue his marriage to Gwen is over. Tom says that he's simply not comfortable with the assignment. Paul says he really needs to get Gwen back despite her tendency to nitpick him on things like his construction of home fireworks kits. Gwen feels that they are too dangerous to have around the kids, and Tom sides with her on this issue. Paul wants to know if Tom's take has something to do with the fact that four kits exploded. Tom says that was a factor in his safety assessment. He reiterates that there is no way that he's getting involved in this dispute. Paul says that Gwen also cited the time he skipped her father's funeral so he could wait in line for a Lindsay Lohan appearance at Baby Foot Locker in Newbridge. He wanted to get the young star, who was then promoting The Parent Trap, to sign his copy of The Mentors' You Axed For It!. Tom vaguely recalls the Lohan visit, and he's familiar with the Seattle-based shock rockers featuring Sickie Wifebeater on guitar. Tom tells Paul that he learned about the unusual autograph market last week from their CC co-worker, Bill, who is sort of Paul's rival in this circle of collectors. Paul says that Bill just got UNC basketball coaching legend Dean Smith to sign Yoko Ono's Season of Glass to increase its value. Paul is sure that some guy in Japan will pay $30,000 for the piece. He's pretty mad about Bill's big score.

Paul says that Gwen's biggest peeve is that he has no concept of money. Tom agrees with Gwen because he's been privvvy to Paul's fiscal irresponsibility over the years. Paul is surprised to hear this and asks for some specific examples. Tom reminds him about his recent plan to send Gwen a bouquet of roses via a town car driven by Hulk Hogan. Paul thinks this is an awesome idea, and Hogan is actually en route to the house right now. Tom thinks it's insane. Paul says he never felt that Gwen respected him, so he enlisted the highly-respected Hulkster to serve as his messenger. Paul acknowledges that some people would argue that Randall Savage commands more respect, but he's not one of them. Tom only knows Savage by his longtime ring moniker, "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Paul wants him to show Savage some respect by using his more mature given name. Since the Hulkster respected him enough to deliver the flowers, Paul hopes that Gwen will respect him in return. Tom thinks that the Hulkster reserved the bulk of his respect for his paycheck, and he's very curious about the price tag for such a stunt. Paul is reluctant to get into it, but he does admit that he paid the Hulkster $27,000, plus first-class airfare and a new sleeveless tuxedo.

Tom concludes that if this is how Paul's brain processes information then he might not have any business being married to anyone. Paul doesn't like to hear that sentiment. Gwen calls him on his cell phone, and he's very confident that she will be excited about the flowers and want him back. Tom asks Paul to call him back, but Paul wants to keep Tom on his work line while he talks to Gwen. He explains that he's still at the office shredding reams. Tom says he doesn't want to be a part of the conversation. Paul begs Tom to do it and promises to buy him something supercool like a lawnmower or a Leroy Neiman painting signed by anybody. Tom's wind-chimes ringtone indicates that someone is calling him. Paul wonders if it's Gwen. It's not. Tom apologizes for the interruption. Paul says that he will pretend that he has to sneeze every time he has to confer with Tom about something Gwen said. Tom says he really doesn't want to do it, but Paul starts it anyway.

Paul: Hey, Gwen! Like the flowers?

Gwen: ...

Paul: What was your favorite ... stop yelling!

Gwen: ...

Paul: Hey, was The Hulkster mean to you? He didn't manhandle you, did he?

Gwen: ...

Paul: No, don't ... seriously, don't worry about how much it cost, Gwen. I just ... I only wish I could've been there to see that look on your face when The Hulkster presented you with those flowers. You must've been radiant.

Gwen:

Paul: Wait. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? It wasn't The Hulkster?

Gwen: ...

Paul: Hold on. I really have to sneeze.

Paul informs Tom that he's never going to believe that he might have been ripped off. Tom is shocked to hear this. Paul says that Gwen was greeted by some random fat guy in a headband and wrestling tights. He now realizes that he should have hired Randall Savage instead. Paul is very angry about this decision. Tom asks him what he wants him to do. Paul says that Gwen is adamant that he tell her about the cost of the delivery. He is pretty sure that she will be really mad about the truth. Tom suggests telling her that he's aware of his problem and that he does these outlandish things because he cares about her so much. Paul returns to Gwen.

Paul: Hey, Gwen, seriously, don't worry about how much it costs. It's really nothing. The important thing is that I've shown you how much you mean to mean to me and how much I love you.

Gwen: ...

Paul: Oh, don't say ... hang on, I really have to sneeze again. The pollen is terrible here in the office.

Paul tells Tom that Gwen really wants to know where he got the money. He admits that he withdrew the funds from an account Gwen set up to take care of her parents when they get Oldtimer's Disease and don't know nothing anymore. Tom tells Paul that it's probably time to just tell her the truth. Paul thinks that Gwen will respect that. Tom is concerned that Paul stole money from her. Paul asks Tom to define "stealing." He says that he stole it if he took it without telling her. Paul admits to that. Tom tells him that is wrong. He recommends apologizing and promising to pay her back.

Paul: [Atchoo!!!!] Hey, Gwen. Listen, honey, I'm gonna come clean. Um ... I got the money by winning a watermelon carrying contest.

(Tom: What am I stuck in the middle of here?)

Gwen: ...

Paul: Yeah, you know they stack these watermelons on your arms and whoever can hold the most, they win $27,000. And I held 11 of them.

Gwen: ...

Paul: What? Wait, hang on. [near-sneeze noise]

Paul tells Tom that Gwen finds it really interesting that his melon-carrying prize is the exact amount in her bank account. He's at a loss as to how to proceed. Tom thinks Paul is crazy. Paul says he's just in love. Tom believes he's entered the realm of the sociopathic. Paul disagrees because he gets along with everybody. Tom says he's done severe damage to the relationship by stealing, lying, and attending a Lindsay Lohan signing instead of an important family gathering. Paul thinks Tom is nitpicking. He knows that this is his last chance. Tom thinks he should tell her that he lost his mind and promise to make it right by seeking professional help. Paul likes the plan.

Paul: [violent sneeze] Hey, Gwen, sweetie, um, look I'm gonna fully come clean now. I ... I lied to you. I mean, I've been lying for a long time, and I think you know that and ... um ... I'm just so sorry and ... um ... basically here's what happened, alright: Tom Scharpling told me to take out that money that you reserved for the care of your sweet ma-ma and pa-pa.

(Tom: [laughs] That's not true!)

Gwen: ...

Paul: Yeah, Tom from volleyball.

(Tom: Stop.)

Gwen: ...

Paul: Yeah, he's the guy who looks like a cross between Chim-Chim from Speed Racer, the bassist from the Atlanta Rhythm Section, and The Elephant Man had he really let himself go to seed. Yeah, that's him.

(Tom: Hey, Paul! Paul. Stop!)

Gwen: ...

Paul: [crying] He forced me to do it. He's a sadist!

Gwen: ...

Paul: Yeah, he's positively Draculian.

(Tom: What is he saying? I don't even--)

Gwen: ...

Paul: Draculian.

Gwen: ...

Paul: Draculian. No, like in the days of Dracula.

Gwen: ...

Paul: What's Draconian?

Gwen: ...

Paul: I don't know what that is, no.

Gwen: ...

Paul: Well, do you know what he does to us, the guys on the team?

Gwen: ...

Paul: He makes us slap each other's bare bottoms with towels while he stands over top of us and diddles his ...

Tom begs Paul to stop just as he hangs up. He wonders how he got surrounded by crazies. Tom considers leaving his job, and he really wants to get out of that volleyball league. Mike thought the details of Paul's accusations sounded convincing, but Tom assures him that none of it was true. Mike points out one silver lining to soothe the sting of Paul's false confessional: he's not running for mayor. Tom is grateful that he can take some degree of solace in the small things.

- Garth in Brooklyn recalls a wild night after settling in Astoria when he first landed in NYC six years ago. Around that time a friend worked for a theater that was having an opening night party at a really obnoxious hipster club in the Village. Garth says he was glad to take advantage of a free event with an open bar due to his impoverished finances. He guzzled as much as he could, got really hammered, and then boarded a train at Union Square expecting to head home. However, the next thing he remembers is walking down Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn. Garth has no idea how he ended up at the wrong destination, but Tom does: intoxication. He GOMPs Garth for his carousal.

- Phil from Pittsburgh says he's been stuck in the same day since covering an unexpected February blizzard in the middle of rural Pennsylvania for his TV station. Tom dumps Phil because he realizes that the caller is pretending to be WPHH-TV9 meteorologist Phil Connors, the character played by Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. He thinks the ruse is sick. After the call, fake Phil saw his shadow, returned to his basement apartment, and won't call for another six years.

Tom returns to the scene outside the Not-a-Marathon store earlier this morning when a Ford Explorer with PA plates passed by him. As the guys inside rolled down the window, Tom heard one imploring the other to "Ask him! Ask him!" The passenger-side guy then asked Tom if he wanted to buy their extra home entertainment system. Tom loves home entertainment, but he declined to purchase anything from the back of an out-of-state vehicle driven by creeps. He wished them luck moving the hot merchandise.

- Mike in Manhattan calls to say that he doesn't know how he got from not wanting to get into video games to owning a PS3, assembling his own gaming clan, and yelling at kids online as he tears it up. Tom tells Mike that the "it" in this context is his future. Mike reveals that his newfound addiction led him to name his squad The Couchbreakers, a reference to Tom's insulting, alternative moniker for Team Final Boss. In addition to embracing the putdown, Mike has morphed into "Mike from Manslaughterhattan" and joined forces with "Frank from Weehawkeye" for missions in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Tom reminds Mike that there are real soldiers currently fighting in a real war. Mike says he's read about the conflict in The Economist. Tom thinks Mike should put his virtual machine gun skills to the true test by joining the military. Mike says that unless the Iraqi insurgents are 10-year-old kids from the Midwest he's not too interested. He's more interested in trash talk than actual warfare. Mike invites Tom to join The Couchbreakers so they will have a celebrity spokesperson on the roster. Tom accepts the offer as long as Mike sends a PS3 to the station.

- Spoony in Brooklyn calls to tell the harrowing tale of of how he ended up inside a Nazi lair. While attending the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, he developed a friendly rapport with the grill cook at a nearby bar, chatting about music and the weather after a day of classes. He moved away and returned to The Pitts years later to visit a friend. They split up one night, and when Spoony got back from a bar his friend wasn't home. He didn't have a cell phone (this was circa 2000-2001), and he ran into the grill cook as he looked for a pay phone. Spoony told him about his plight after they exchanged some pleasantries. The grill cook invited him back to his place around the corner so he could get out of the cold and sleep on his floor, if necessary. Spoony took him up on his offer and discovered that his apartment was filled with Nazi propaganda, ranging from authentic Hitler Youth daggers to a full uniform.

The grill cook started telling Spoony some personal details, such as quitting drinking in favor of a regimen of antipsychotic drugs. Spoony compares his situation to the scene in Falling Down where Army Navy surplus store owner Frederic Forrest bonds with Michael Douglas in a back room full of Nazi trinkets and weaponry. Spoony jokes that the grill cook started measuring his feet for boots. Tom wants to know how he was able to escape from the residence. Spoony says he rode it out by smiling and patiently sipping his tea (this Nazi was civilized) during a screening of Romper Stomper. He reports that he stared at his feet and focused on his beverage whenever the grill cook cheered for Russell Crowe's beatdowns. When the film ended, Spoony thanked the grill cook for his hospitality and flew down the staircase to meet up with his friend. Tom thinks Spoony played it well and turned the nightmare into a top-notch call.

- Paul calls back to say that he and Gwen have agreed to just be lovers. Tom is not pleased by the terms of the reconciliation. He was previously relieved that Paul wasn't running for mayor, but Paul is indeed holding a Pancake Potluck this Saturday to announce his candidacy. Tom wonders if Gwen knows that he's entering the race. Paul doubts that she's listening to the show because it's not good anymore. He's heard rumblings about the lack of entertainment value and widespread opposition to Tom's use of the VoiceMod® DeepTone 500, among many other complaints. Tom wishes him luck with his campaign. Paul says he doesn't need it because he knows he will win. He reminds Tom about their 4:30 a.m. volleyball game tomorrow.

- FOT fave Bonnie from Georgia checks in as a newly minted high school graduate. Tom congratulates her for the achievement and thanks her for sending him a nice invitation to the corresponding party. Bonnie says she invited some of her favorite famous people:

• Radio personality Tom Scharpling
• Drummer Jon Wurster (Psychotic Norman, The Right Profile)
• Author Christopher Buckley (Thank You For Smoking, Bleh Bleh)
• Singer-songwriter Josh Grogman
• Actor Matthew Great Gray Googler Gubler (Criminal Minds, Team Zissou intern)

While none of these people actually showed up, Tom launches into an impression of what could have been: Mr. Grogman performing an operatic rendition of "Happy Graduation." Bonnie says it would have been an awesome treat, but she didn't expect to see any of her chosen celebrities. Tom says he pulled in just as the party was winding down because his trip was delayed by a flat tire. He decided not to go inside. Bonnie says she was probably already in bed due to exhaustion from a bout with mononucleosis. She retired at 10:30 p.m. while people where still at her house because she had to work the next morning. Bonnie is still suffering from low energy, but she doesn't have time to be tired as she prepares for her summer gig as a camp counselor. Tom was once stricken with mono, so he knows it's not easy.

Bonnie says her graduation loot included enough money to buy a laptop for school in the fall. Her brother has had some problems with his Dell, so she is open to any computer advice. Tom points out that Bonnie's brother is responsible for one of the greatest moments in the history of The Best Show. Bonnie reveals that he contributed the Tony Montana adaptation "Get ready to meet my little friend" during last year's Movie Quotes spectacular. Tom compares Bonnie's talented household to The Royal Tenenbaums and vows to meet them. Bonnie says her family is pretty awesome despite not writing any books, starting any companies, or accurately quoting from Scarface on live radio. Tom considers the latter mishap a plus because the movie stinks. He asks Bonnie why her brother is watching that violent filth. Bonnie says she was disappointed with Scarface because she was expecting something great based on its pop culture influence and ubiquitous merchandising tie-ins. Tom declares Bonnie a top-notch caller before she even contributes to tonight's topic.

Bonnie says she experienced a HDIGH moment when she went to an Of Montreal show having never seen any live pictures or videos. She enjoyed the spectacle from a spot up front, but she wondered whether the band's fashion choices like cut-off shorts and fishnet tights were part of a surreal dream. Tom recommends the wholesome vocal groups The Four Freshmen and The Lettermen as less weird alternatives.

- Dan in Hoboken says that after college he got a job working on a hospital newsletter with an eye towards moving on to something more creative in the writing/editing field. About six months ago he accepted a more lucrative offer for a supposedly similar post at a different hospital. However, he quickly found himself stuck in boring meetings about parking lot construction, night staffing, and the importance of ream shredding. Dan says he had no knowledge of these administrative issues so he just put in his two-week notice to become unemployed. Tom urges Dan to start living his dream of writing books right this second. Dan says his career will have to wait because he's outside without a pen. Tom tells him to start carving a sentence into his arm with a sharp object. Dan's debut novel, SLAYER, will be published this fall by Penguin.

After reading Richard Zoglin's Comedy at the Edge: How Stand-up in the 1970s Changed America, Tom is convinced that stand-up is the easiest thing in the world. He is confident that he could spend one week crafting a 45-minute set that would demolish the audience at a 2,000-seat theater. Tom doesn't think anybody ever really wanted the act of Robert Klein, a prominent player in Zoglin's book. He believes that Klein served as little more than a passable diversion from the three available television channels. Tom points out that Gabe Kaplan parlayed six jokes into a sitcom sale and never prowled the boards again. He admits to enjoying the antics of the Sweathogs on Welcome Back Carter. Mike picks Detective Stan "Wojo" Wojciehowicz from Barney Miller as his favorite Sweathog.

Tom says he doesn't want to offend his hard-working stand-up friends because he certainly admires the skills of the Paul F. Tompkinses, Pat-ton Oswalts, and Zach Galifianaki. However, he knows he could jump the line and dominate their game within a week. Tom mocks George Carlin's obsession with weird, modern words and dismisses the terrible Richard Pryor as the Miranda July of the 1970s -- a performance artist doing toilet-mouth characters. Gary Mule Deer is not mentioned in the book. Tom considers juicing up his material with Hawaiian shirts and musical stings from a keytar or a stork-shaped theremin, a sight gag suggested by PFT via IM.

- Liz in Chicago recalls her failure to secure a ticket to an R.E.M show on the Document tour at the beginning of her freshmen year at Indiana University. She and her friends were bummed out and eventually wandered over to the steps of the venue to pass the time. Liz pulled on the door, and it flew open to allow them to scurry inside. A big guy stopped her as she tried to locate her friends, and he led her down a hallway to show her what the band did to fans who sneak backstage. Liz says she was scared by his stern demeanor and the approving nods that greeted the procession. He then opened a door and pushed her into the performance area where her friends were watching the show in the front row.

- Frank from Weehawkeye has a silly topic for tonight, but Tom doesn't accept new topics with only three minutes left on the Colgate Clock. Franks calls back a few minutes later and begs Tom not to hang up on him. Alakazam!

- Mike from Morristown says he was surprised that John from Boston praised his calls at the end of last weeks' show since he's usually lackluster. He estimates that he's only made one good call to the show. Tom agrees with Mike's assessment and GOMPs him. He's trying to gallop down the home stretch like Triple Crown contender Old Brown, and these guys are hanging on his tail.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom dissects Indiana Jones and His Crystal Meth, a new historical docudrama from the Lucas-Spielberg juggernaut.

For JK:

Posted by Omar at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

Great job!

(Eat it, Grandpa.)

Posted by x amount at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments

Kinda looks like someone speared my spleen, but whatever. I'll take one.

[via the gf]

Posted by x amount at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

I'll take "The Rapist" for $500.

Posted by x amount at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Maybe it's time. Maybe it's payday. Time for a payday. Turn this show into that Jimmy Parton show." -- Tom, considering monetizing his real radio empire

"Don't do this to me, ABBA box. Just go! Go! Come back. No, go! Just go. I cannot look at you." Tom, struggling to give his blue buddy the (temporary) boot

"More pizza, slave!" -- Problem children, demanding additional substenance at a birthday bash

"A lot of marble. A lot of marble went into that." - Tom, considering the amount of raw material required for the Pig Champion statue in Portland, OR.

"Mommy, the man with the laptop is staring at me! Now go get me a cookie!" -- Junior on Steroids, detecting Tom's gaze-holding challenge

"I can arrange for someone to re-arrange my schedule." - Spike, outsourcing the difficult task of freeing up enough time to make his WFMU hosting debut

"It would be so great if a hawk flew down and thought it saw like a boll weevil running on some guy's head. Aw, food! Eeee-awww! And like grabs the rug off his head." -- Tom, looking forward to a bird of prey Jamesing James at the Ted Leo Castle Clinton show

"You should pour maple syrup all over him." -- Ted Leo, contributing to his brothers' Unholy Childhood at a local IHOP

I'll be really honest -- it was very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile. Oh my god, we were so scared." -- Bill, misleading Tom about his mother's condition

"She was shredding their reams. They have a lot of reams to shred." -- Bill, explaining that his mom was super swamped with Newbridge Episcopalian's reams

"They're definitely all first editions. The copy I have of Slaughterhouse-Five -- it's in christine prediction. So perfect." - Bill, noting the condition of the Vonnegut book he got signed by Dick Francis

"Guess who it's signed by? All. four. members ... and Peter Benchley." -- Bill, revealing an unusual addition to his autographed The White Album

"You don't have to lie. You couldn't make it to the game, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal. - Tom, trying to coax Bill back towards the truth

"I'd been bad, and my Mommy put the tape on top of the fridge where I couldn't get it down." -- Bill, providing a reason for not bringing his advance copy of Tears for Fears's The Seeds of Love to school

"It doesn't have a clock, but I can keep in constant contact with Nassau." - Bill, noting one of the cool features of his high-death cell phone

"That guy has some bad bedside manner, doesn't he? He's rude." -- Bill, criticizing Dr. Gregory House's interactions with patients

"Thanks. Some friend you are. You sicken me." -- Bill, chiding Tom for lying about his arrival time for their pre-Prong Battler Butler meetup

"I said that I had stress throat, and, um, I was actually on a renaissance mission with Senator McCain." -- Bill, admitting the ruse he pulled on Old Man Dalrymple

"It sounds like your kind of losing enthusiasm for your own lying." - Tom, sensing Bill's fib fatigue

Yep. With my bass. - Bill, revealing how he entertained the troops in Iraq

[TBSOWFMU - 5/13/08 / Podmirth / Fan Fiction Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Volcano Suns - "Sea Cruise"

( Click here to e-mail Taang! about delivering those supposed TBOY and ANLP re-issues)

Witch - "Disappear"

( Click here to buy Paralyzed)

Tad - "Flame Tavern"

( Click here to buy the documentary Busted Circuits & Ringing Ears)

Scrawl - "Breaker, Breaker"

( Click here to buy He's Drunk)

Q And Not U - "Lil' Sparky"

( Click here to buy No Kill No Beep Beep)

We Ragazzi - "Being Alive Is Like Vandalizing"

( Click here to buy Suicide Sound System)

The Old Haunts - "Hurricane Eyes"

( Click here to buy Poisonous Times)

Hard Skin - "Desperation Street"

( Click here to buy Live and Loud!! & Skinhead)

Bonus Track:

Wellwater Conspiracy - "Born With A Tail"

Nu är det dags för oss att samlas och fira de saker vi gillar och tycker är kul:

"No more carefree laughter ..." -- Anni-Frid Lyngstad

"Not a skip. That was not a skip. It's a straight-up message." -- Tom

- Sean expresses concern that Tom made a premature return from his three-week tummy ache ordeal. He thinks his health is more important than the radio show. GOMP! Gonna tell Tom he's not ready to come back yet! Ha ha! Tom was faking it using the feeble sick voice of his youth! He was knocked down, but now he's standing up. You can't stop him. You can't top or stop The Best Show. Tommy Tornado is out of the hospital and ready to spin his magic.

Tom doesn't want to do the show tonight, but he has no choice. The show is bigger than him, so he's hosting another Tuuuuuuuuesday night installment entitled "A New Regime." Associate Producer Mike intrigues Tom with the promise of a caller who wants to make an unspecified song request. Tom takes the call because he sometimes likes to make young men happy by playing a song on the radio.

- Alvaro from Westchester, PA, requests Wellwater Conspiracy's "Born With A Tail." Tom is pretty sure that somebody loaded the Wellwater catalog into the WFMU .n3p library. Alvaro is a big fan of the band, and his request comes from Brotherhood of Electric: Operational Directives, which is one of his favorite albums of all-time. Tom agrees that it's good stuff. He asks Alvaro if he wants to hear the track now. Alvaro says it's up to Tom because it's his show. Tom appreciates the leeway and says he's got it cued up at #12 in Computer B. Alvaro wants to say one last thing, but Tom doesn't let him because he's the ruler of a New Regime.

Here's a copy of the press release that Tom distributed to a very select group of trusted journalists: Marc Healy at the Newbridge Herald-Times Republican-Herald, Mick Wall at Kerrang!, Ethan at The Patriot Press (Port Morris HS), Bill Chippert of The Chippert Report (Davenport, IA), Bob Guccione, Jr. at Spin, Linus at Shovel.com, Scott Templeton at The Baltimore Sun, and Ricky the Faux Sherpa, Managing Editor of Kern Publication's Dr. Christian Harfouche's Warriors for Christ.

**********

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

FROM: Tom Scharpling

CONTACT: media@mennen.org for all press inquiries / Mach IV sample requests

ATTENTION: Loudmouths and Internet Tough Guys

REGIME CHANGE IS AFOOT!! NEW RULES GALORE!!

If you want to gain certain things from The Best Show on WFMU, I will provide these things in exchange for something from you. No more handouts. I am declaring straight-up WAR against anyone who dares to tell me how to run my show after eight years on the air. As you know, a couple of clowns recently went off on the FOT Board, but, to quote my good friend Declan MacManus (oh, you probably know him as Elvis Costello), their time is officially OVA. Yes, it's just two people, but so what? I'll back it up. I'm not afraid to talk to the man in mirror. Now it's time for ... New Rules! Hold on a sec -- Spike is calling.

**********

- Spike is doing fine, and he seems somewhat concerned that people are giving Tom a hard time. Tom asks him if he's familiar with the Supercaller concept. Spike thinks he deserves that honor. Tom is ready for some changes, and his first order of business is the horrifying move of making Spike the fourth Supercaller, joining Paycheck in Toronto, Dave from Knoxville, and Erika from Baltimore. Spike says that Mike told him that Hillary just won the West Virginia primary. He doesn't think it will do her any good at this point considering her overall delegate deficiencies. Tom has grown tired of Spike's political punditry, Chucky fandom, and doo-wop devotion. Spike urges Tom not to forget about Republican Congressman Vito Fossella, Jr., who was recently arrested for drunk driving and confessed to fathering a child with Sheila Larson out of wedlock. Tom informs Spike that he's not talking to Lynn Samuels. He then bans him from the program until he comes up with some new material. Tom GOMPs him for good measure.

**********

-more-

REGIME CHANGE (page 2)

1. Supercaller status is disabled. All current Supercallers are now stripped of their privileges. They will have to earn their way back to the eternal greenlight. If people want to put me under the microscope, I will examine them at the same level of magnification. Why do people continue to doubt me after all these years?

2. I am leaving the FOT Chat FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done. I do this show for hundreds of thousands of people, not just the 50 people in there.

3. Mike the Associate Producer is on probation. Not really, but I went through his briefcase and discovered some disturbing letters he's been writing to Don Imus to get a job on the ranch this summer. I probably shouldn't go through his stuff, but this is payback for that time he stole all that fudge from my gym bag.

3. Ws and Ls are BACK. I'm not here to mess around. If a couple of chirping birds want me to step it up, I'll step this whole thing up. Let's never forget who has the hammer. (Hint: I do.) Hold on a sec -- Spike called again.

**********

- Tom bans Spike for three years. He tells Mike to let Spike know that he's allowed to call back in 2011.

-more-

REGIME CHANGE (page 3)

4. The Three-Minute Rule. If a caller gives me three bad minutes of chit-chat, I will serve up three minutes of bad radio right back at them. Clowntime is over, and so is Snoozetime. No more Mr. Nice Guys who put me to sleep with their boring stories. I can assure you that my retaliatory material will make you throw your radio out the window. The new crop of callers are unfit to shine the shoes of a 4-year-old Petey -- or even Purple Shirt. Let's face it, the old breed was made from a heartier stock. The most recent harvest has yielded, what, a guy who went to summer camp with Richard Kind? I'll warn you right now: it might be time for me to close ranks and have my payday just like that Jimmy Parton podcast. I would prefer to do a real radio show for everyone free of charge, but I'm weighing my options.

5. The ABBA box is on hiatus. If kicking my blue-felt sidekick out of the studio doesn't indicate that I'm serious about this New Regime, then I don't know what will. We had a heart-wrenching goodbye, and Mike found the ABBA box a few hours later at the Flamingo, drowning its sorrows with a plate of their famous carpaccio and an entire bottle of Absolut® Peppar. He said the interior of the box was filled with tears and my car keys. I forgot I put them in there. It will be tough, but don't worry -- the box is back when Mammi Mia! comes out on July 18th!

6. Respect must be paid to Mike. I've heard reports that callers are talking down to Mike and treating him like a dog. This needs to stop. He should be treated with the same respect that is given to Ernie Anastos per Best Show Law #2. I know, I know, Mike isn't perfect. He has an unhealthy passion for foreign cinema, The Grateful Dead, and Bravo's Work Out. I'm also not a fan of his woeful mentorship of Larry the Perv. And there was that time he called Zeph Marshack a word that started with "f" and ended with "hole" and threatened to throw a shoe in his face. Oh well, Mike is generally a Good Guy and from now on callers must address him as "Sir."

Bugs not hugs!

Since the phones are silent, Tom considers backing up on some of his New Rules. He's also waiting for the Internet Loudmouth named "todd" to call with three minutes of interesting radio. Tom welcomes any new listeners he gained after speaking earlier today at a local high school. He was attempting to mold the minds of today's youth, but his real mission was to enlist the students in an effort to shut down Savage Grace, a new filth movie starring Julianne Moore.

- The newly-redeemed Herbie from Philadelphia calls to see how the New Regime is coming along. Tom says he's wondering where Herbie might fall within the new parameters. Herbie says he met a celebrity this past weekend: Mr. Ted Leo, who became DJ Ted Leo following a show at the Millcreek Tavern. He thought it was a pretty awesome set even though he didn't really know most of the punk anthems Ted was spinning. Herbie particularly enjoyed seeing the Eng-guh-lund-based Oi! band, Hard Skin, earlier in the evening. Tom thanks him for the exciting call.

- Adam from Toledo, OH, calls to ask permission to suggest replacing the departed ABBA box with the Sly and the Family Stone box set. Tom allows the suggestion, but he quickly denies it because he's not going to just slide another box in its place. I think Adam had Tom confused with Dennis Wise. Tom tells Mike to log 1:30 towards the Three-Minute Rule.

- Costa from Astoria calls to say he likes the Tom that lays down the law. He doesn't like the guys who call with stories and comedy routines. Tom confirms that Costa doesn't enjoy boring calls that contain interesting thoughts that probably don't need to consume valuable airtime. Costa says he deals with the same situation in college when classmates raise their hand to pontificate to the professor. Tom points out that Costa is sick of people telling boring stories on the show, but he just told one of these boring stories! Tom GOMPs him for thinking that being enrolled in college is unique.

- Norm calls from the barren landscape Montague, NJ, to express his enthusiasm for the New Regime. He asks Tom how new callers can improve their on-air performance to avoid GOMPs. Tom recommends calling when you have something interesting to contribute to the topic. Norm thinks this advice is brilliant. He says he will call back when he has something worthwhile to say. Tom thinks he's getting very close to the three-minute threshold, which will trigger a selection from The Beatles. While everybody enjoys the band, Tom warns that this composition will have people clawing their eyes out.

As everyone knows by now, Tom likes to relax before the show at the Panera Bread, firing up his laptop computer and enjoying a nice vegetable sandwich with a cold soda. He mentions the vibrating discs that only very fancy restaurants provide to diners to let them know that their table is ready. The Panera Bread recently added this fun accoutrement to the dining experience. Tom doubts the restaurant will ever get so crowded that it needs to hand out devices in addition to taking customer names. He wonders if they will start asking for a Social Security # before handing over the sandwich he just paid for. Tom sat down and noticed a spectacularly bad kid across from him -- an 8-to-9-year-old that recalled Junior Healy from Problem Child on steroids.

Junior, decked out in Yankees gear from head to toe, rolled in with his mother. Tom considers this attire to be strike 5, especially since the ensemble featured a Jason Giambi jersey. He thinks it's telling that the kid's hero is a muscle man who looks like somebody inflated him with a bicycle pump instead of someone respectable like Derek Jeter. Tom isn't sure if it's accurate to refer to Junior's "poor mother" because she must be at least partly responsible for forming this pinstriped monster. The duo were waiting for their food as Junior clutched the disc, which suddenly illuminated and vibrated. Junior screamed at the top of his lungs as though a snake jumped out of it. Tom says his overreaction would have been more appropriate if the disc cracked open to reveal a parade of cockaroaches like the sink at the end of Creepshow.

At this point Tom realized that his computer would not be the source of his lunchtime entertainment. They retrieved their food, and Junior wolfed down his sandwich in 45 seconds. He then leaned back in his chair like a mini-executive in his office before darting over to the dessert counter. As Junior chanted for dessert and pressed his face closer to his options, his mother suggested a cookie. Tom quotes his intriguing response in full: "I'm never ordering chocolate-pecan cake again." Junior followed his proclamation by running back to his seat and jumping around in his mother's face while making fart-like noises and doing jerk-dance moves. Since he was obviously still hungry, he grabbed half of his mother's sandwich and ate it. Tom is pretty sure he didn't asked her permission. While he watched the performance of Problem Child 2: The Stage Play, he composed tonight's topic: Bad Kids/ Bad Parents. Tom wants to hear some stories about the monsters and the people who shaped them. While he's focusing on the darker side of the parent-child dynamic, he also recently encountered a good kid at Panera Bread. Tom says he was nearly driven to tears after hearing a young boy loudly inform his two sisters and mother that he wanted to get his dad a $1 million gift card for his birthday. It certainly would go a long way at the Denim-Clad Dad outlet.

Tom prepares everyone for the inaugural Three-Minute Rule punishment after hearing Mike tell a potential caller that he wasn't going to last long if he hadn't been listening to the show.

- Brock in Portland, OR, calls while standing next to the giant statue of Pig Champion, the obese and now-deceased frontman for Poison Idea, which is in front of Powell's Books. Tom suspects a lot of marble was used to chisel the likeness of the local legend. During a recent vacation to Crater Lake National Park in Southern Oregon, Brock encountered a family from Texas. He doesn't want to suggest that they are representative of the people from the state. However, Tom gets him to admit that he's saying that most people from Texas behave like this. Brock runs down the gang who emerged from a single Ford pick-up truck with a camper shell (cue clowntime music):

• Mom (early-40s, heavy smoker)
• Dad (upper-40s, relied on walker, broken arm)
• Grandma (heavy smoker, older version of Mom)
• Son (18 going on 10, spastic)
• German Shepherd

They family members were climbing on the snow, and the kid started going nuts after being squished into the camper shell for hours on end with his grandmother and the dog. He started grabbing camping supplies and sliding around the snow on the tents, the loud merriment cutting through the placid quietude that typically makes the park so appealing. Brock and his friend were about to leave when the grandmother approached them. He suspected she was going to scold them for snickering at her family, but she asked Brock to talk some sense into her rowdy grandson. Brock notes that he's a long-haired bearded dude who should not be talking to children. He told the lady that there was nothing he could say to set him straight. She asked again, but Brock declined and drove off. Tom wants to know more details about the kid's antics. Brock repeats that he was removing camping supplies from the truck and using the tent as a makeshift snowboard to travel down the mountain. Tom thanks Brock for his story. He seems much more troubled by the grandmother's behavior than the kid's resourceful extreme sporting.

- Brian, 17, calls from Long Island to recount a story from the trenches of a kid's birthday party place. He says that his main duties involve serving pizza and drink refreshments to the hyper kids after they are done with their Moon Bounce session. As he attended to about 30 6- to 7-year-olds during one event, two kids started yelling for more pizza. Brian says he started playing around by ignoring the requests to make his job more entertaining. The kids noticed the poor service and added a zinger to their demands: "More pizza, slave." Tom is very amused by this. Brian says he stared at them without offering any retort. He does give their mothers credit for yelling at the kids and apologizing to him, even though he did think it was funny. Tom warns the kids that they will be serving a lot of pizza with that kind of attitude. Tom remembers that he locked eyes with the Panera troublemaker. He wanted to hold Junior's gaze, and the monster challenged him. He knew that the game was afoot. Tom says he Junior did look away first, but he was about to break it off to avoid looking like a psycho.

- The very talented artist known as Scott T. calls to find out if Tom got the postcard he sent about his upcoming show. Tom did not receive it, but Scott lets everyone know that his Alphaville installation will be showing through June 7th at the Adam Baumgold Gallery in NYC. He also has a quick story about the origins of bad kids: the parents! Scott usually gets out of work at 10 p.m. and rides the subway at 11 p.m.. The presence of kids on the subway at this hour drives him insane. He understands that it's sometimes necessary due to scheduling conflicts, but he doesn't approve of parents who are listening to their hutPods or playing their PSPs while their kids are screaming and crying. Scott thinks it's unacceptable to ignore your children while riding public transportation. Tom thanks him for a top-notch call.

- Tom apologizes to Supercaller Erika from Baltimore for stripping her status, but he wants everyone to get hungry again. Erika says she will try to earn it back, starting with a story about a particularly bad flying experience this past weekend. Prior to taking off the 4-year-old behind her was giggling and shrieking due to the mother's nonstop tickling. Erika and Greg from Baltimore were already a bit nervous about air travel, so this wasn't helping. As the plane lifted off the ground the mother started giving her child high-pitched updates on the plane's altitude progression. Erika had her eyes closed trying to forget what's happening as the mother continued to elicit more noises. Tom says he soothes himself during takeoff by counting to 90, which is the amount of time it would take for somebody to shoot down an aircraft with a missile. Later in the flight Erika heard the mother ask little Aiden if he was familiar with Harvard, aka mommy's alma mater. Tom thinks mommy should shut up. He remembers that last week he called Baltimore-based Dan Deacon a creep. He checked the FOT board after the show and found a lot of posts arguing that Deacon was not a creep. Erika says she felt a little bad assessing him based solely on his YouTube clips, but after double-checking the videos she was comfortable with her initial conclusion. Tom says he might be the nicest guy in the world, but he's still a creep. He is certain that Deacon knows he's playing the creep card and not coming off like a debonair Errol Flynn.

- A guy calls amidst a ridiculous amount of background noise. Tom asks him if it's possible to create even more of a disturbance. The caller explains that he's at a bar. Tom tells him to enjoy the bar and leave his listeners alone. The bottom line: if you are in a bar DO NOT CALL THE BEST SHOW.

- Ben in Toronto is an incredibly nervous first-time caller, so Tom conducts some breathing exercises: in for five seconds, hold, out for five seconds. Ben is now calm enough to tell a story about a sweet kid with a monster mom. He was walking down the street, and the door to a McDonald's opened into his face. The mother gave him the hairy eyeball as she let the door swing back into her son's arm, knocking his ice cream cone back into his chest. The mother looked back and bluntly noted his predicament: "You're going to drop it, ya idiot." Tom wants to know what is going on in Toronto. He tries to recall the name of the young lady who called last week about getting laughed at when she tumbled onto a Toronto street. Ben thinks it was either Gwen or Gail. He redeems his city by being very polite in wishing Tom a good week. Tom considers moving the show to the CBC to do issues-oriented talk about Loonies and Toonies. He thinks American ingrates are the problem, while T-Dot residents truly get him. Tom hopes to land Cheryl Hickey as one of his first guests. Squeaky seems to like the idea of a "Hickey Talk" segment.

- Mason in Buffalo calls to brag about his past employment at Toys"R"Us. (Not really.) He and his co-workers used to entertain themselves by keeping track of the worst kids they saw in the store. They used a point system, and high-scorers often wore sweatpants, had shoes involving Velcro/lights, or were accompanied by a grandparent who was raising them. Tom compares Mason to Hitler for throwing these kids under the bus by speculating about their family dynamic and primary caregivers. Mason says it's possible that the grandparent was enlisted for the shopping excursion because their mothers were in late-term pregnancies with a sibling. He admits to being a little judgmental, but he doesn't think he's nearly as bad as the Nazi Führer. Tom thinks he may be more like Jerry Falwell, but he wants to move forward.

Mason observed a grandmother trying to drag her grandson away from a Nintendo 64 gaming console. She yanked one arm as he continued to clutch the controller with the other. After she finally pried him loose he started using her stomach as a speed bag. Mason compares the l'il pugilist's appearance to the kid who smashed Li'L Osama Bin Laden's kneecap in Human Giant's "Shutterbugs" sketch. He says that he had a similar pompadour and leather jacket like a small Funzie. Tom suspects that Mason worked at Toys"R"Us in the 1960s, but the incident occurred in the mid-1990s. He wonders if the kid looked like a younger version of Stray Cats drummer, Slim Jim Phantom. Mason says it was more like a Garbage Pail Kid come to life. The bottom line: a very tough-looking 7-year-old was whomping his grandmother in public. Mason says the grandmother removed him from the store by the scruff of his neck. The kid looked back and made eye contact. Mason gave him a head nod to indicate his approval, but the kid gave him the finger in return. Tom applauds him for the obscene gesture. He thinks Mason earned it by turning the beatdown into entertainment instead of restocking a shelf or sweeping an aisle.

- Susannah in Santa Monica calls with a quick story about an unpleasant ride on a SEPTA train. She saw a slovenly-looking woman enter a crowded train with her 3-year-old. The kid broke away and found one of the few empty seats. He was having a good time smiling and singing to himself until the mother barked at him to get out of the seat. He started crying. Tom is forced to GOMP Susannah for filth mouth before she can finish the story.

- Jacque calls, but Tom has to dump him because it sounded like he was pulling back to get ready to pounce. While he might have been the best caller ever, but Tom can no longer takes these chances in the New Regime.

- Laurie from Miami checks in to see how Squeaky is holding up. Tom says he just walked into another room, but some audible squeaks indicate he's doing well. Tom asks Laurie and the rest of the FOT chatters are scared about the New Rules. Laurie says she has butterflies in her stomach, but Tom thinks loudmouth "todd" is the one who should be nervous. Laurie says she hasn't been paying close attention to the chat fallout, although they did want to let Tom know that Emma from Toronto called last week. Tom wishes all the callers could be like Emma. Laurie is also a fan of this nice, young lady and Rookie of the Year frontrunner. Tom renews his desire to move the show to Canada. Laurie warns Tom about the lady from McDonald's. Tom wonders if Laurie will try to top Ben's bad-mother story with an incident involving one of her servant's kids. Laurie says it involves a trip to the Miami Metro Zoo earlier this year. Tom asks her if she was there to scope out the animals for purchase. Laurie says she wasn't there to buy anything, but she did see the cool giraffes. (She didn't get one.) Within two minutes she saw a bratty kid chasing a beautiful Snowy Egret around the lake at the entrance. Laurie followed her instincts and told the kid to leave it alone. She turned around and gave Laurie an evil eye that suggested she was possessed. The budding ornithadummy then stomped back to her parents, who also stared Laurie down really hard. Laurie doesn't think it's very nice to chase after birds. Tom doesn't like it, either. Laurie requests ABBA's "Hey Hey Helen," but Tom reminds her that the ABBA box is gone. : -(

- Jacque from New Haven returns with the same sketchy voice he can't deny. When he lived in Brooklyn he saw a toddler wearing a cat mask at an art opening. He later spotted the corresponding mother wearing a full cat suit. Since it was his art opening he had the guts to ask them if they had been to a costume party earlier in the evening. The mother informed him that she's been raising her son in a cat mask because she believes that humans evolved from cats. Tom suspects that she's attempting to breed some kind of supervillain. Jacque says he expected the kid to sound like Squeaky, but he seemed very normal when he talked to him. Tom starts meowing. He thinks this kind of parenting could only occur Cocaine Heights, Brooklyn. Tom is not surprised to find out that Jacque used to live in Williamsburg. He finds it amusing that these two felines could walk through McCarren Park and nobody will blink an eye. Jacque bets that some hipsters would even congratulate them on their "project." Meanwhile, people point and laugh at Tom like he's King Goofball just because he wears oversized sunglasses. Jacque says he prefers New Haven. Tom commends him on a successful first call.

- A very, very nervous Tough Guy Todd from Chicago calls to show everyone how it's done. Tom suspends the topic and puts him on the clock to come up with his own interesting material. TGT argues that he's been unfairly lumped in with Robert Spleen because he was just suggesting that someone skip the parts of the show they don't like. Tom tells TGT that he's worse than James and refuses to throw him into the Hate Pit because even Mickey Dolenz is too good for him. He swiftly GOMPs the Internet agitator. TGT returns to back up all of his talk by contributing to the topic. Tom bans him for 11 years despite his persistence.

- PD takes a break from visiting friends in the new hottspot of Bayonne to talk about his days working the register at a charitable organization that sold a lot of toys to kids and parents alike. A young lady and her child approached the counter with a large number of toys. After ringing up the items PD asked the kid if he also wanted to purchase the toy in his hand. PD says he would have loved to dole out free toys, but he was trying to raise funds for the charity. Tom points out that the standard transaction in any retail environment is to hand someone money in exchange for goods. The query went unanswered as the mother stood there in silence. PD looked at the child, the mother, and then back at the child. At this point he had no choice but to retrieve the toy and place it in the restocking bin. The child started to cry and followed him over to the bin. PD informed him that he had to take this course of action if the mother was not willing to pay for the additional toy. After he put the toy in the bin, the kid slapped him on the arm. PD did not fight back since he was so small. The mother stood there like a statue and did nothing. Tom says he would have given the kid a little shove. PD says such a move would likely be bad for the charity's public image. He continues to explain why he wouldn't fight back, but Tom cuts him off because everyone already got it.

- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville gets blindsided by the painful news that Tom stripped his title. He was unaware that the Supercallers were extinct because he just got home from a concert, presumably Yes performing "in the round" at the Tennessee Theatre. Dave takes it very hard. New Show, New Regime, New Rules. Tom wants him to get hungry. Dave didn't think he needed to be on-topic, so Tom lets it slide for just this call. He will demand more focus from everyone, including former Supercallers, going forward. Dave promises to continue to give Tom his full attention.

Dave starts the next phase of his FOT career by telling Tom something before he heard about it in a roundabout way at some party. In a nutshell, he has a book with an official ISBN #. 1-0. Tom congratulates him and wonders at what party such a conversation would ever take place. Dave says his book may have come up at one of the big cardboard industry conferences Tom often attends in Atlantic City. He co-authored Journey Through Calculus: An Implementation Guide, a textbook that helps people navigate the terrible JTC software package, a remnant of the early days of interactive e-learning. Tom doubts the book will turn Dave into the next Mitch Albom, and Dave has little hope for a sequel. He says the movie rights are still available because the book was only on the market for four days. However, it's existence can be verified by putting the ISBN into Google and following the result to a Chinese spreadsheet containing Dave's name and the book's title. Tom wishes he could reinstate Dave's Supercaller status.

Dave says he was unable to get through with his Creepopedia entry last week because Mike needed to help Zachary Brimstead get through the studio door. Tom reports that Mike is still a little greasy from all that oily oil. He grants Dave residual Supercaller status to revisit an old topic. Dave is creeped out when bands with only one original member tour under the original name. He cites Steppenwolf ft. John Kay and Jethro Tull ft. Ian Anderson as prime offenders. I'd add Bulletboys ft. Marq Torien. Dave thinks it's even worse when a band elevates an unknown member to a feature billing, such as Iron Butterfly ft. Steve McGreevy. Tom thinks Dave is 100% right. Dave is scared about being back in the pack with the rest of the wolves. He compares it to being like Henry Kissinger after the fall of the Nixon administration. Tom assures him that it's not that bad. Dave trusts his judgment.

- Tough Guy Todd goes out by quoting from Airplane!, the 1980 comedy rendered really unfunny by the passage of time. Tom wants to remove all existing copies from circulation.

- Spike makes an ultra- rare second-hour call to find out if Tom, Tom, Tom is off his meds again. He's worried because Tom ushered in the New Regime with banishments and demotions for some of the regulars. In an abrupt reversal of his earlier three-year ban, Tom invites Spike to come down to WFMU to do three hours of radio. He agrees to work the boards as Spike plays tracks from his doo-wop collection and talks to special guest Lynn Samuels. Tom suggests that Spike send Lynn a nice e-mail to ask her to appear on his show since he's a frequent caller to her show. Spike says he'll have to check his schedule because he books his dungeon appointments well in advance. Tom points out that he appears to be free on Tuesday nights because he calls every week. Spike says he will hire some of his regular clients to help him re-arrange his busy schedule. Tom thought he might assign the task to Saxophone Joe from the Soup Kitchen. He considers just permanently handing over the show Spike following the proposed guest spot. (Ronald "Tex" Fuqua, wherever he may be, is probably very jealous and/or livid.) Spike says the offer sounds quite tempting. Tom doesn't like the way he says "tempting," and he never wants to tempt him again. Spike promises to get back to Tom after he works out his scheduling issues. Tom says the hosting gig will not happen anytime soon because he need enough time to build up to letting Spike drive the bus. He considers taking that week off and surprising Mike with Spike and Steve Blue. It's worth noting that Spike turned down a similar offer during the 2006 Marathon.

Spike mentions that Julie from Cincinnati called last week with a birthday request to talk to him. Tom hears Spike clanging around like Top Cat trying to dig through the trash for a dinner consisting of a fishbone served atop a garbage can lid. Spike says he much too civilized to consume such a meal. Tom is glad that he doesn't get his eating habits from a cartoon cat. Tom never thought he'd say it, but he asks JfC to call to take advantage of her chance to talk to Spike. He asks Spike if he plans Iron Man or any other new movies. Spike says he heard about Iron Man from Lynn, Howard, and some of his co-workers. Tom thinks they were probably talking about it because it's playing in 9,000 theaters and everyone on Earth has seen it. Spike says they also mentioned the box-office smash, Speed Racer. Tom wants to see it because it looks very relatable, and the marketing campaign promises the film contains no CGI enhancements. Spike prefers the early Warner Brothers cartoons and Hanna-Barbera productions to modern computer animation where things look real. Tom also longs for a return to the good old days of the herky-jerky McGilla Gorilla and Thor's stiff-armed hammer strikes. Tom GOMPs Spike after realizing that he was having an actual conversation with him.

Tom is amazed that Spike managed to squeeze five minutes out of him. Mike thinks the call should count towards the TMR, but Tom found it weirdly engaging. He's looking forward to hearing selections from Spike's stack of Orioles, Del Vikings, and Platters records when he takes over the airwaves. Tom also hopes that Spike will be able to book doo-wop legend Johnny Maestro for an interview. He sings a bit of JM & the Brooklyn Bridge's rendition of Jimmy Webb's "The Worst That Could Happen," a tune he can't imagine anybody really wanted back then. Tom thinks the song is an example of a fraudulent local hit that rose up the Billboards chart just because Mr. Maestro was a very pushy self-promoter.

- Stan in Parsippany calls, and Tom asks him for the zip code. "Stan" eschews digits in favor of "James James James." Tom believes that James aka Jeremy is going crazy because his low-grade toupee glue is seeping into his scalp. Tom says that he thought Jeremy was a Jack Hanna-like animal expert when he encountered him at the 2007 WFMU Record Fair. He suspected he was there to show off his animal collection, including the mongoose on his head. Tom started petting it, and then the worst-looking toupee he's even seen bit him. He believes that Jeremy's real hair is down to Ed Harris levels -- the letter "C" shaped around the side of his head like a hair headband. Tom reminds listeners that Jeremy was extremely nervous when he met him because he knew he did something bad. I think Jeremy's mommy should put his cell phone and computer on top of the refrigerator where he stores his hairpieces to prevent further Jamesings. Tom is confident that other people will attest to the massive amount of sweat pouring off of sad James. Tom is willing to bet everything that the sicko will write him an apology for tonight's attack. He searches for a previous punctuation-free missive to read over the air. If James has no respect for Tom, Tom will have no respect for James. He finds one:

Tom its me I may be drunk but I love the show I mean that it not because Im drunk mhairi says youll unfriend me but its not true I didn't call because of respect I love the show please never stop doing it its the funniest thing in the world you shoudnt limit yourself I love the show -- king jeremy the wicked haha ps today i bit the recess ladys breast she unleashed a lion!

Tom urges anyone who knows James/Jeremy to get him some help.

- Alex from Parsippany gets dumped because he hails from the same town as "Stan from Parsippany," who was actually Jeremy from Poughkeepsie, NY. Tom imagines that Jeremy is freaking out as he paces around his basement apartment and talks to James, who tells him to destroy the things he loves because nobody ever liked him. When Jeremy decides to finally push his alter-ego to his death, he ends up falling out of his window because James is not real.

- Ted Leo nearly gets dumped because James has given Tom a quick trigger. Ted thinks Tom went really deep with his psychoanalysis of James. Tom pictures James fitting right into the book with the guy who crushes the little rabbit. Ted knows the character in question is George, but he can't place the title. Tom initially thought it was The Grapes of Wrath. He claims Mike has no idea what it is, but he's actually been shouting the correct Steinbeck work - Of Mice and Men - 11 times. Ted suggests examining James's parents to gain insight into his destructive behavior.

Tom ponders the horrors of being a 22-year-old who is forced to go toupee shopping. Ted thinks that could cause a lot of problems, and he's actually feeling some pathos for James. Tom wants Ted to write a song about him called "James James James." Ted is receptive to the idea because he's been trying to simplify his music. Tom compares Ted's follow-up to Living with the Living to Dylan stripping things down post-Blonde on Blonde. Ted enjoys this analogy. Tom calls it a "cooldown period," but Ted says he's actually trying to "hot it up." Tom is less successful in his attempt to link Ted's new approach to Cheap Trick shifting from One on One to The Doctor. Ted admits that he's not too familiar with this period of the band. Tom says he shouldn't be.

Ted generally agrees that parents should bear the blame for the bad behavior of their kids. However, there are some rogue youngsters that chart their own, divergent paths. Exhibit A: Theodore F. Leo. Ted has two younger brothers, who are 4 and 5 years his junior, and he wielded a lot of instigatory influence over this "dynamic duo of terror" at the expense of giving their mother an undeserved hard time. He brags a bit about the family weekend getaways to The Poconos, where they stayed at ritzy hotels featuring staircases lined with mechanical chairs to assist disabled guests. Ted recalls convincing his brothers to ride these chairs as their parents checked in at the front desk. The chairs broke as actual disabled people waited to ascended to their rooms. Ted accepts the blame for that one. He also admits to fanning the flames when his brothers got into arguments at the IHOP. Ted would whisper into one brother's ear to direct him to pour maple syrup on the other brother. Tom makes sure that Ted didn't pull these stunts at Holsten's. Ted says he eventually got over this mischievous phase and righted the ship.

Tom cuts him some slack because all that pent-up fraternal energy is enough to drive anyone nuts. He's certain that Ted plans to give off some energy while killing it during some exciting summer shows. Ted mentions his free show on July 17th at Castle Clinton in Battery Park. Tom hopes that James shows up and gets attacked by a seagull swooping down to snatch what it believes is prey. He's particularly giddy at the prospects of a hawk mistaking James's ratty rug for a boll weevil scampering across his head. Tom was actually referring to Ted's upcoming dates opening some arena shows for the Seattle-based rock group, Pearl Jam. Ted says he's a little reticent to talk about it because it's a realm beyond his experience. Tom thinks it will be AWESOME!

Ted says the chance to play Madison Square Garden sealed the deal for him. Tom hopes TLRx are not the band that forces Eddie Vedder to tell the crowd to be cool a la George Harrison's pre-emptive promises to play a lot after Ravi Shankar. Ted recalls Joe Strummer making similar announcements when Grandmaster Flash and Sam & Dave opened shows for The Clash. He also saw Beat Happening's Calvin Johnson get beaned in the head with an ashtray while attempting to open for Fugazi. Tom commends Johnson for continuing to play and proving that he wasn't as soft as the cat doodles on his album covers might lead one to believe. He thinks standing there with a bloodied face like a member of ANTiSEEN is a true punk move. Mike informs Tom that Strummer would only come out after the opening act had been disrespected to chastise the crowd for their behavior. Ted seems disappointed, but he shant speak ill of the deceased. Tom already had tickets to these shows via the $15,000/year JamPass®, which gets him a seat in the first 40 rows to all Pearl Jam shows. He's pleased to get a set from Ted as a bonus. Ted hopes they share some of those profits with the opening band. Tom assures him that he will be able to purchase a (very little) house (that only dolls can live in) with the paycheck from these gigs.

Tom tells Ted about a recent visit to a Jamba Juice outlet at the glorious Palisades Mall in West Nyack, N.Y. He was very impressed by the full-size Ferris Wheel in the Food Court -- far superior to the rickety ride at the Bowcraft Amusement Park or the death wheels in the parking lot at the Italian Festa. Tom says the mall also featured a Merry-Go-Round, a bowling alley, and an IMAX theater showing Speed Racer. He plans to go back to try to get into a screening. Ted suggests trading some Pearl Jam tickets for a spot. Tom doesn't care for that suggestion. And but so Tom just wanted a regular orange juice, but the kid behind the counter rushed him. He felt the pressure of someone standing behind him and ordered some lumpy, sherbert-based monstrosity for $8. Ted says he's not even sure if plain juice is actually on the menu. Tom thought he found it, but the 2,300-calorie shake in his hand suggested otherwise. When the kid delivered the drink he alerted Tom to a sign instructing customers to taste it to see how it turned out and then ring the bell on the counter if it was great. Tom turned around on his heel and walked away because he was in no mood to play any corporate games after paying $8 for juice. He took a sip and threw it in the garbage. Ted is alarmed to discover that Jamba Juice is now offering weird foodstuffs like pretzels injected with mozzarella cheese. However, he does plan to try to get signed to Jamba Juice Records after his Touch and Go contract expires. Tom points out that T&G is a cool label boasting a catalog of bands like Didjits, Killdozer, Die Kreuzen, Sister Sheila (that one Albini EP), Urge Overkill, and Negative Approach ft. John Brannon.

Before he lets him go, Tom has one final item for Ted: the commercial he saw for the KFC 99-Cent menu. He thought it was absurd that one guy was amazed that you could get a sandwich featuring the lowest-grade chicken on Earth at that price-point. Meanwhile, the lucky customer is nursing it as though this White Castle-size item is a satisfying meal. Tom estimates that it would take one normal bite and a thin second bite to polish it off. He believes that true sandwiches contain meat like the egret that used to be on atop James's head or scary, wild turkeys. Tom's not sure what we are going to do with Ted Leo other than go see him in concert and buy his new album if when it comes out. He bids Ted a goodnight and then condemns everyone for daring to do things that are not good. Mike thinks the New Regime has a harder edge. Tom reluctantly compares it to late-period Rollins Band records like Get Some Go Again.

[SEGUE!!!!]

- A caller says his parents were pretty normal relative to the stories he's heard tonight. Tom asks him if he's observed any Bad Parent/Bad Kid incidents over the years. The caller says he's definitely seen some flare-ups over at the ritzy Short Hills Mall. He's more than pleased to just stick to the friendlier confines of Newbridge Commons. Tom agrees that Short Hills is pretty horrendous. The caller identifies himself as Bill, Tom's longtime friend and co-worker at the double-C. Bill says this is actually the first time he's tuned into The Best Show. He thinks it's cool to hear Tom's voice on the radio after hearing such great things about the program ... until recently.

Tom asks Bill why he didn't show up on Saturday for his scheduled start in the medium-pitch softball showdown against Softbridge. Bill is very distraught and apologies for missing the big game. He says he had to visit his mother in the hospital because she was in a really bad way. Tom is understandably concerned about her condition. Bill says his family was scared because things were very, very, very, very touch-and-go for awhile, but she eventually finished all of her work. Tom was under the impression that she was sick, so he's not entirely sure what work was completed. Bill says that Tom must have misunderstood him because his mother was never admitted into the hospital as a patient. He says that he indicated that she worked at the hospital. Tom says that phrases like "really bad way" and "touch-and-go" led him to conclude that she was stricken with some serious health issues. Bill says that she was just super swamped with work and barely got it done in time.

After leaving the hospital, Bill walked across the street to the new Barnes & Noble store. Tom says he wasn't aware of a B&N near the Newbridge Presbyterian Hospital. Bill denies ever saying that he was at any local hospital on Saturday. He actually went to see his mother at Newbridge Document Destruction, a paper-shredding service that does work for the hospital. Bill says his mom had a lot of reams of paper to shred. The revelation prompts Tom to ask Bill why he said that he was visiting his mom at the hospital. Bill thinks Tom's misunderstanding is leading him to read too much into his story. He explains that Newbridge Episcopalian-Lutheran Hospital is one of NDD's main clients. They have a lot of reams that need to be shred, and his mom was assigned to shred these reams. Tom asks Bill to stop saying "reams" because it's making him uncomfortable. Bill says he was just trying to explain that he missed the softball game due to very important and unforeseen circumstances. Tom still doesn't understand why he decided to say it in a way that suggested his mom was sick. Bill says that was just the way it came out.

He arrived at NDD at 10:30 a.m. on Saturday, about an hour before gametime, and Tom suggests that he still had time to make it to the nearby game. Bill reminds Tom that he stopped at the B&N, which was hosting a once-in-a-lifetime experience: an in-store book signing with Dick Francis. Bill owns all of the author's equine-themed books, and he couldn't miss the chance to have him autograph his new novel. Tom says he's also a bit of a Francis buff, but he didn't even know that he published a new book. Bill says it's called The Horse That Went Away To The Other Side. Tom chuckles at the dubious and unwieldy title before checking it out on Amazon. Bill tells Tom that the online research is unnecessary. Tom says that he's interested in finding out more about it since he's a fan. Bill thinks Tom will be equally interested to know that he got him a signed copy. Tom appreciates the gift and asks Bill if he can bring it to CC tomorrow. Bill starts stammering and then gets very upset upon realizing that the book itself went away to the other side. He swears that he just saw it, and now it appears that somebody (possibly his roommates) stole it from his residence within the last two minutes. Bill thinks the literary heist stinks, and he hopes they didn't also snatch the Kurt Vonnegut books he got signed at B&N. Tom confirms with Mike that Vonnegut has passed on. Bill says that Tom misunderstood him once again. He had Dick Francis sign several Vonnegut first editions, including a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five in christine prediction. Tom asks Bill why he would get Dick Francis to sign rare Kurt Vonnegut books. Bill now realizes that Tom is certainly not a collector by any stretch of the imagination. He explains that there is a huge market for unusually signed items. Bill says that he's quoted extensively in an upcoming Esquire lidblower on the scene. Tom believes that Bill is weaving an unnecessary tale about why he couldn't make the softball game. Bill assures him that he's not weaving anything.

He's currently selling an incredible item on eBay: a Baltimore Colts helmet signed by French actor Gerard Depardieu. Bill says there is talk that the helmet belonged to Hall of Fame quarterback Johnny Unitas. The high bid is up to $2,500, and he plans to verify its authenticity when it sells. Tom requests the URL because it sounds like a cool item, but Bill doesn't want to waste any airtime reviewing his auction. He says his best piece is going for way more than the helmet. He asks Tom if he's ever heard of The White Album. Tom is indeed familiar with The Beatles record, and Bill has a copy signed by all four members ... and Peter Benchley, the author of Jaws and The Deep. Tom is baffled by the inclusion of Benchley in what would otherwise be a prized collectible for Beatles enthusiasts. Bill says he met Benchley at JawsCon (presumably one of Paul Higgins's Conventions, Inc. productions) in the late-1990s, and the only thing he had for him to sign was The White Album, which he always keeps in his car. Tom wonders why he stores a rare item featuring autographs from two deceased Beatles in his vehicle. Bill says VW Bugs are pretty airtight, and he's never heard about any break-ins. Tom is unable to weigh in on the issue because he hasn't been keeping up with the track record of the vehicle's theft protection.

Bill says that he's trying to sell his collection of unusual autographs to raise funds for his upcoming Pancake Election Supper. He plans to discuss his candidacy with Tom off-air. Bill is surprised that The White Album bidding is up to $90,000 because some of the signatures are kind of illegible. Benchley used a laundry marker to personalize the piece with "To Bill, watch out or old Jaws is gonna get you!" followed by approximately 50 dun-duns to mimic the film's ominous theme music. Bill says that Benchley's extensive prose bled into the signatures of George Harrison and John Lennon. He thinks it's kind of a bummer that they now look like "Jim Harvey" and "Jop Lester." Tom says he just checked eBay and found no trace of this item. Bill says it's probably listed under one of the site's "secret auctions." Tom reminds Bill that he doesn't have to lie because missing one softball game is not that big of a deal. Bill says he's just providing several good reasons for not being able to attend. He can't wrap his head abound why Tom is convinced that he's lying. Tom is reluctant to discuss it on the air, but he reveals that Bill has a history of spreading lies. Bill is surprised to hear this and wants to hear an example from his dishonest past.

Tom recalls that back in junior high Bill told everyone that he had Tears For Fears' The Seeds of Love, their follow-up to the multi-platinum smash Songs from the Big Chair, a year before its official release. Bill insists that he got the advance tape from his uncle, who worked for their label. Tom wants to know why he never brought it to school despite repeated requests from many of his classmates. Bill says he told everyone at the time that his mommy punished him for being bad by placing the tape on top of the refrigerator. Tom disputes the idea that it was now out of reach because Bill was one of the tallest kids in the class. Bill confirms that he earned all-conference honors as the starting center on the basketball team. He says the retrieval was further complicated by two potential hiding places: the main refrigerator in the kitchen or the one in the garage where his daddy kept his beloved steaks. Tom quizzically repeats the word "steaks," so Bill tells the culindummy that they are dead animals. Tom says he's heard of steaks. Bill argues that all food consists of dead animals, but Tom says that vegetables are edible non-animals that are good for you. Bill refutes their nutritional value and skips them because they taste terrible.

Tom doesn't understand why he couldn't just check both refrigerators. Bill says that was impossible because both appliances stood 11-feet high. Tom assumes there was a chair that he could have used to boost himself over the top. Bill says his mommy didn't want the kids playing around on her furniture, especially after an incident where he and his brother, Paddy, threw handburgers at each other. One of the patties was ground into woven fibers of mommy's favorite wicker chair during the course of the food fight. Tom asks Bill why he refers to his parents using the childlike "mommy" and "daddy." Bill says that these are the standard terms used in his family. Tom prefers to say "mom" and "dad," but Bill thinks these terms are disrespectful. He wants Tom to ask call screener Bobby what he calls his parents. Mike sides with Tom and notes that he dropped the -my and -dy at age six. Bill does not approve of this super lack of respect.

Bill says that grinding the meat into the wicker chair elicited beatings the likes of which he hasn't known before or since. Tom stands firm in his disbelief about Bill's inability to get the Tears For Fears cassette. He's willing to let that slide, but he's less forgiving about the Krull action figures Bill claimed he purchased at K-Mart. Tom says that after Bill bragged about them at school, he begged his mom to take him to K-Mart to pick up his own set. After trying five stores, he realized that the fontasy figurines were only stocked on the shelves of Bill's equally fontastical mind. Bill says that Tom must have misunderstood him because he said he got the figures at Kay-Bee Toys. Tom says that there were no KayBee outlets in the area. He sees this latest lie as part of the same pattern Bill has exhibited for as long as he's known him. Bill disagrees with that perspective. Tom wants to leave all the lies in the past and move forward. He assumes taht Bill did get the Vonnegut books signed by Francis along with The Horse That Went Away To The Other Side, which was then stolen during this call. Tom asks Bill why he didn't just come to the game after his B&N session.

Bill says that by 11:30 a.m. he was already watching himself on a television monitor while attending a taping of Saturday Night Live. Tom points out that SNL airs at 11:30 p.m. Bill isn't sure of the exact time because both of his watches were stolen, but it was definitely in the morning. Tom informs him that SNL doesn't do the show in the morning. Bill calls Tom a teledummy and a dunce for not knowing that the cast runs through the show twice on Saturday. Tom, who knows his television, says they do a dress rehearsal at 7:00 p.m. prior to the live broadcast. Bill says he was there in Scranton, PA, watching Steve Carell talking to his co-workers in an office in an SNL sketch. Tom wants to know why Bill continues to tell stories of escalating levels of insanity as a cover for missing a softball game. He tells Bill that Carell was filming scenes for his sitcom, The Office. Bill realizes that Tom probably misunderstood him because Carell is hosting SNL this week. Tom says that while Carell is hosting the season finale he didn't misunderstand Bill at all. He'll let it go to further explore the Scranton taping. Bill says that he appeared in a scene that was later s hitcanned from the show. He's not sure what time it was because he only had his wallet and cell phone with him. Tom asks him why he didn't look at the clock on his phone. Bill says his high-death cell phone doesn't have a time readout. Tom has never heard of this type of device. Bill says it make up for its lack of timekeeping by allowing him to stay in constant contact with Nassau. Tom thinks he's referring to the capital city of the Bahamas. Bill calls Tom an astrodummy for not recognizing the name of the space company. Tom informs him that the "company" is called NASA.

Bill says that he played a new Dunder-Mifflin hire named Troy in the scene that was cut. Tom decides to not even ask how Bill landed the part. Bill says producers saw him in the live studio audience and thought he'd be great in the role. Tom tells Bill that The Office is not taped in front of a live studio audience. Bill says that the 300 people who were there would disagree. He claims that he riffed with Carell as he worked the crowd for an hour before the taping began. Bill wants to know why Tom is doing this to him. Tom points out that the show's fictional universe is set in Scranton, but it's filmed in California. Bill says he'd like to see Tom tell that to the 400 people who were there. Tom says that missing a softball game is the most inconsequential thing ever, but the lies surrounding the absence keep getting crazier. Bill thinks Tom's whereabouts on Monday are also crazy. He's not sure where he was, but he knows it wasn't the John McCain rally at Newbridge Commons. Tom says he didn't even know about it. Bill says he was there and got the Presidential hopeful to sign his copy of Peter Criss's Out of Control. On the way back from the rally he helped Donald Trump change a flat tire on his limo. Tom doesn't understand why he does this. Bill says he's just telling him about stuff from his life. Tom suspects it's some weird desire to be a bigshot. Bill says he's just telling it like it is, and he wants to hear about something Tom did yesterday. Tom says he went to work and then had dinner at the buffet. Bill says that Trump was so appreciative of his help (the limo driver had apparently run off) that he paid for his house as a reward. Tom is confused because Bill lives in the weird apartment complex that is above the abandoned battling cage place. Bill clarifies that Trump didn't buy him a house. He bought him the House season 5 DVD set. Bill thinks the titular doctor has a very rude bedside manner.

Tom lets him slide on the tall Trump tale, but the fifth season is not out on DVD because the fourth season is currently airing on Fox. Bill insists that he's holding the box in his hand right now. He's watched the first half of the fifth season, and he reports that House's bedside manner is worse than the doctor at the hospital where his mom works. Tom notes Bill's return to the first of his 18 lies. Bill says the hospital is simply one of his mom's large clients. He was referring to the doctor that NDD employs in case people get their hands blown out and torched by the high-powered shredders that typically run really hot. Bill says that he discovered that these accidents are very common at paper-shredding businesses while researching his desert station on workplace injuries. Tom isn't sure what a "desert station" is, and Bill remembers that he has explain things because Tom never went to college. Tom points out that Bill meant to say "dissertation" and never attended college, either.. Bill says that he eventually completed an e-mail correspondence course and earned D.A. degree in workplace injuries, which stands for Doctorate of All. Tom doesn't think it stands for that and wants to know why Bill continues to lie. Bill denies lying and accuses Tom of telling his fair share of lies over the years. Tom wants to hear about a time he lied to Bill.

Bill says that back in July 1998 Tom promised to meet him at the Battler Butler trough at Ye Olde Burger Barn at 7 p.m prior to going to a Dokken Prong show. When Bill arrived at 6:45 Tom was already there. Tom laughs at the notion that arriving early for a meetup constitutes lying. Bill sarcastically thanks Tom for being a good friend. He says that Tom's lies continue to sicken him. Tom wants to know how many lies Bill spouted during his last rant. Bill says he was just truthfully shooting from the hip. Tom concludes that Bill has a problem.

Bill asks Tom to guess where he was last week when he was out of the office. Tom didn't notice that he took the week off, but he'll take his word for it. Bill admits that he lied to their boss, Old Man Dalrymple, about having stress throat so he could accompany Senator McCain on a renaissance mission in Iraq. He says it was a wild, nutty trip. Bill wants Tom to guess what he did over there. Tom correctly guesses that he drove a tank, flew a plane, shot somebody, and saved somebody. Bill says he saved a bunch of people. Tom senses that Bill is starting to lose enthusiasm for his own lying. Bill denies lying about serving in Iraq, but he's not entirely sure that he was actually there last week. He does know that he had a great time entertaining the troops with his bass playing. Bill's energy continues to fade as he informs Tom that the troops loved his performances. He says that Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf was particularly into his bass sounds. Tom points out that Schwarzkopf is retired and has nothing to do with the current Iraq occupation. Bill says Pete Rose, George Clooney, Wynona, and a couple of the Go-Go's were also there. Tom asks Bill if he really intends to keep lying like this. Bill denies lying and vows to return to Iraq for another tour. At this point Tom thinks Bill is just sad. He asks him if he plans to hang out on the phone for the final seven minutes of the show. Bill offers a lethargic "Naaah" in response. He gives the same answer to whether he intends to hang up. However, he does it anyway. Tom feels drained by Bill's nonstop barrage of lies.

He decides to go see Speed Racer at IMAX. Mike agrees to meet him at the Palisades Mall, which is supposedly sinking because it's too heavy for the (Viking burial) ground its built on. Tom is only concerned about it sinking while he's there. Otherwise, it's a paradise on Earth with every imaginable store. Tom asks Mike to name a place that might be in a mall. Mike offers silly suggestions like the defunct Sam Goody and Crazy Eddie. Tom runs down some of the key Palisades offerings:

• Spencer's Gifts
• Fat Burger
• Chess King
• Cheesecake Factory
• Best Buy
• Price Club
• Dave & B_Buster's
• Bowling Alley

Tom brings back Open Phone Tuesday for the final four-minute push. The phones are dead because everybody preferred the Old Regime where they could goof around like the students in Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" video. Tom thinks VH is one of the biggest shell games ever perpetrated on America's youth -- drummer who could barely drum, bass player who could barely play bass, and a singer who could barely sing. He does not consider DLR's yelps to be legit singing. Tom wonders what happened to the good old days Rudy Vallee and other guys who could actually hold a tune.

- Connor in DC is not calling from the Dischord House, but he is now familiar with the historic residence after Tom recently took him to task. Tom asks Connor if he's excited about the High Back Chairs reunion. Connor admits that he's not a huge fan of the Dischord label. Tom suspects he's more of a Simple Machines guy. Conner says he prefers the music put out by the Durham, NC-based Merge Records. Tom asks Connor to name his favorite Merge release, and he says Lambchop, which is a band. Tom wonders if Nixon is Connor's favorite Lambchop record, but he GOMPs him before he can respond.

- Jedediah from Brooklyn, a member of the Danielson Family, calls with a short-and-sweet contribution to the topic. He was waiting for the bus yesterday morning in the pouring rain when a woman walked by with her eight-year-old son. The son turned around and punched her in the stomach. Jedediah saw the mother wince, so he clearly landed a solid body shot. If this happened to Tom, he would tell his kid to go pick a switch in the middle of Brooklyn so he could whip him with it on the street in front of everybody. Since the Brooklyn equivalent of picking a switch is picking up a dime bag of drugs, Tom says Brooklyn parents would probably opt for a white belt whipping or a kickball to the head. Tom thanks a Good Guy for the call. Jedediah thanks a Great Guy for taking it.

- Mike from Morristown 07960 calls to throw some flowers at the New Regime and nominate $mall Change for Minister of Culture. Tom is ready to clamp down and weed out the boring weaklings. Mike from Morristown is cheering for a W, and Mike in the studio declares the show a straight-up W.

- Dania from Humboldt Park, Chicago casts another vote for a W. Tom tries to gauge Dania's immersion into local culture by asking her if she's enjoying a pizza topped with relish and the play of the first-place Cubs. Dania says she skipped pizza tonight and roots for the Brewers because she lived in Milwaukee before moving to the Big City. Tom wants Dania to name two of the great bands from Chicago. She mentions Tortoise, who are not great, and fails to cite any other groups because she doesn't really feel like thinking. Tom thinks that sums it up. He bids Dania goodnight. He strongly urges non-thinkers to think twice about calling the show.

- John from Boston shows off with his fancy iPhone stream and wants to know more about Mike from Morristown. Tom says he's a fan who calls from time to time. John thought he was very entertaining, but Tom points out that he just talked for 90 seconds and then said goodnight. John says that he was laughing at all of Mike from Morristown's nonsense the one other time he listened to the show. Tom has had enough.

- Greg in Phoenix, AZ, is thrilled to get to speak to Tom, but Tom is less thrilled that he sounds like Canadian journalist, Nardwuar. Tom realizes that if he moves The Best Show to Canada, he'll get to mix it up with Nard instead of American clowns like The Jerky Boys. He's really tired of the U.S.-Canada quality gap.

- Brian from Chicago thanks Tom for changing the Chicago stereotypes from political corruption and organized crime to weird food. Tom is wondering if Chicago will manage to throw the 2008 election with a shoebox full of votes. Brian thinks the voter fraud will somehow involve putting relish on pizza. Tom says he doesn't have any time for such silliness.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Gord and Chris from Toronto return to "reclaim their rightful throne" under the New Regime, Montgomery Davies praises Panera Bread's new vibratory alert system and proposes some additional attachments, and Bill tries to sell Tom a first edition of Dave from Knoxville's Journey Through Calculus: Incorporating Your Mathematical Values Into The Workplace autographed by Matthias Jabs, Goose Gossage, Alec John Such, Michio Kaku, and Harold Ford, Jr.

For Spike:

Posted by Omar at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

"011" sounds quite a bit like a DJ Shadow track. "012" has more of a 70's psych/funk feel, probably because of the live drums. Background here. Official site here.

MRR-ADM - "011"
MRR-ADM w/Malcolm Catto - "012"

(via Strictly Beats)

Posted by DOP at 9:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Ask smart questions.

Posted by x amount at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments

Can't wait to see Kristen Wiig's reactions in the Target scene when the movie comes out.

Posted by Omar at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

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...another lost hip-hop treasure. From an interview with Johnny Juice Rosado, one of the supposed many that did the actual scratches on PE albums, on unkut.com:

The next night, A Tribe Called Quest was doing 'Scenario'. I got pictures of that shit, too. It was me, Dinco, Busta, Jarobi was there - everybody was in that motherfucker - Dres from Black Sheep was there, both of 'em, Chris Lighty, Mase and Pos from De La, all them motherfuckers rhymed on 'Scenario'. I can't find that copy - I have that tape somewhere in my archives, lost in my attic or some shit. Everybody rhymed on it but Q-Tip, and the best motherfucker on that shit was Posdnuos. He fuckin' destroyed it, and he ain't even like the beat! And after he finished rhyming, everybody went back and rewrote their rhymes!

JJ:Yeah, but I can't find it. When I made a copy of it, it wasn't finished - I didn't realise that later it would be a totally different song and it would become the song it did. Now I'm pissed off that I can't find that shit! Four or five people that I know that heard that tape at one time are like, 'Juice, you have to find that fuckin' tape!' It doesn't even say 'Scenario' on it - it actually says 'Unique Recording' right on it, on a black TDK tape. I remember that shit to this day and I can't find that bitch!

Posted by DOP at 6:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Yeah, she's dead! She's not involved in this election. You goofball." -- Tom, informing Spike that hardcore feminist Andrea Dworkin will not impact the 2008 Presidential race

"You know, 'cause he's like an old-time Viking, he knows all the ways of the old-time Vikingery ways of, uh, murdering." -- Rodney from Newbridge, revealing why Hägar the Doo-Wopper easily disposed of a member of The Moonglows

"Show me a logo that's dumber than a leprechaun promoting a basketball team." -- Tom, denouncing the basketball-spinning, pipe-smoking, vest-wearing, shillelagh-wielding Celtics mascot

"We're skewing old. I gotta skew young. What am I going to do to skew young tonight? Grand Theft Auto, y'all! What up?!" -- Tom, getting things back on track after a diversion into doo wop, Wacky Packs, and Murphy beds

"That's kind of a metaphor for my life, actually. Bad onion rings at Holsten's." -- Ted Leo, encapsulating his existence via subpar Sopranos communion wafers

"Oh, I wish I was making up Disco Fries." -- Tom, lamenting the sad truth about New Jersey's take on poutine

[More to come.]

"Oh, come on! The wall's buckling, you idiot." -- Zachary Brimstead, Esq., expressing frustration at Mike's inability to squeeze him through the studio doorframe

"Oh, yeah. It's good when it ripens." -- ZB, touting the fermented egg salad atop a six-week-old submarine sandwich

"They're easier to hose out that way. We got them from the local horse racing track." -- ZB, explaining his decision to use metal buckets as serving vessels at his new Brimstead's eateries

"He beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund." -- ZB on Weird Walter's weapon of choice in the new Trent L. Strauss production

"That oil is oily, yeah. A lot of my lovers have complained about it." -- ZB on the extreme slickness of his preferred lubricant

"Thought Police in effect, here they are! Yeah. You're worse than Officer Harrups." -- ZB, condemning Tom for waving off the second verse of Napalm Death's anti-corporate screed, "Polluted Minds"

"Well, I'll make that headache go away right now! Answer me one question: Do ya love Deicide?" -- ZB, attempting to soothe Tom's pain with something from the Tampa, FL., death metal legends

"Maybe that guy there will sign my petition. He looked like a Nazi." -- ZB, considering a visit to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to get his 37th signature

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 5/6/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

King's X - "We Are Finding Who We Are" (for DfK)

( Click here to buy Faith Hope Love)

The Night Marchers - "Bad Bloods"

( Click here to buy See You In Magic)

Sloan - "Not A Kid Anymore"

( Click here to pre-order Parallel Play)

The Downsiders - "Goodnight Troll"

( Click here to visit Cole Marquis on the Myspace)

Thalia Zedek - "We Don't Go"

( Click here to buy Liars and Prayers)

Evangelista - "Truth Is Dark Like Outer Space"

( Click here to buy the Hello, Voyager)

The (F) Champs - "Lee Tom" (from "Second 7 inch")

( Click here to buy The F Champs Records)

Enslaved - "The Dead Stare" (for masterofsparks)

( Click here to buy Below The Lights )

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- Clark argues that one of the fallacies of Internet radio is that anyone even knows it exists. Tom's shocked at his low audience numbers, and he finally figures out what Clark's been up to tonight. He saw The Best Show as an opportunity to drive people to "Venison Stew". Tom's had enough of the self-promotion and starts to feel the competitive heat, so he bans Clark for one year. He starts crying, and Tom GOMPs him. Tom's been down this road before, and he doesn't want Clark showing up at the studio with a microphone and a cooler. Every time The Kid entertains an apparent psycho, they hurt him. Look for Clark to return in September 2008!

Awwwwww yeah, Tom is fired up for another Tuesday night installment of The Best Show after germs temporarily paralyzed him last week. He's bigger and better than that, and this is a #1 show that can't be stopped by pesky microbes. Tom performs the inaugural toots of the newest feature on the program -- "Squeaky" the squeeze toy -- and follows that up by punching the microphone. He unleashes a Kevin Garnett-y roar to celebrate the landed blow. The emotional display tires him out, so Tom asks Mike to retrieve Pangaea to relieve him of his hosting duties. He compares the early portion of this show to an episode of The Morton Downey Jr. Show -- it ran hot for eight minutes 90 seconds and now it's over. Tom promises to heat back up again and recommends clicking record on Adobe Audition (PC) or Amadeus (Mac) to capture it for future enjoyment. While back-announcing the opening music set, Tom reminds everyone that TLRx's "C.I.A." was pulled from Living with the Living, the best album of 2007. He wonders about the leading contenders for the 2008 top spot as we near the halfway point of the year. Mike has been pushing hard for Raising Sand, the collaboration between Robert Plant and Alison Krauss that actually came out in October 2007. Oh, Mike. Is anyone still holding out any hope for a new DC Snipers record this year? How about 2012? I think the MIA follow-up to Missile Sunset -- Tom's 2006 fave -- is officially the Chinese Democracy of the garage-punk-whatever world. I propose that Kern's beverage division up the ante by offering every U.S. citizen a free can of Summit Black Raspberry Wishniak if these slackers drop something by 31 December. Hey-O!

Tom played a track from The Black Hollies' Casting Shadows, a strong candidate for year-end honors, although he still wishes they were called The Black Collies. Tom received some emails about the existence of such dogs after he discussed them a few weeks ago, but he's looking for a breed that is black like Venom -- pure, reflective, daring you to get close enough to see yourself in its shimmering fur. Mike informs Tom that the flashing line contains a caller who's been holding for 20 minutes. Tom confirms that it's someone afflicted with chronic mushmouth, and we all know who that is.

- Spike says he's doing splendid on this fair May eve, but his mood turns sour after Tom tells him that Hillary Clinton just declared victories in the North Carolina and Indiana primaries. As Spike checks the returns, Tom mentions reports indicating that Barack Obama will concede the nomination by this Thursday. Spike is not pleased because he doesn't want a man-hater in the White House. Tom points out that he still hasn't come up with any legitimate proof since he first accused Hillary of hating all men. Spike tries a guilt-by-association argument, noting that Hillary is supported by the likes of Gloria Steinem. Tom thinks there is a big difference between Steinem's feminist views and someone like Andrea Dworkin, sister of Barry Dworkin from The Gas Station Dogs. Spike isn't a fan of her, either. Tom has some good news for the goofball: Dworkin is dead and will be a total non-factor in the 2008 election. In addition to getting riled up by politics, Spike has been passing the time by loading up his iPod with his old-timey music and The Best Show podcasts. Tom imagines the playlist of Spike's device in shuffle mode:

• The Penguins
• The Best Show on WFMU
• Lynn Samuels
• Bill Conti's "Theme from Chucky's Revenge"
• Del Vikings

Tom says that Spike was the first person person he thought when he saw a listing for a Doo Wop Extravagonza at the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, N.J., during a recent drive on the GSP. Spike is pleased that the theme will prohibit Britney Spears and "Silly Virus" (aka "the one from the magazine") from getting on the bill. Tom thinks Spike's latest pop-culture nickname indicates that he's been writing copy for Wacky Packages. Spike thinks dreaming up product parody stickers sounds like a very interesting job. Tom agrees, but only if Wacky Packages were still being made. Tom finds the full lineup online: Del Vikings, Ani Difranco, The Buddy Rich Orchestra, and Pure Filth w/ Isaac Hayes, Jr. Spike says he may go to see the Del Vikings, but he's not sure if he'll stay for Difranco. While Hayes, Jr. guarantees an X-rated show, Spike says that if he wanted to see pure filth he'd just go to a Madonna or Jenny from the Bedroom concert. Tom says he's also very sick of Jennifer Lopez's nonstop touring schedule because he can't head over to the Newbridge Coliseum without seeing her name on the marquee. She's also been showing up for aftershows at Club Pizzazz, playing acoustic Monster Magnet covers and helping wrangle volunteers for the erotic hypnotist shows. Spike is upset that Lopez gave birth to twins earlier this year. Tom tells Spike that he's the W.C. Fields of The Best Show. In other words, he's 100 years old and not very funny. Tom GOMPs the child-hating Hillary basher.

- Laurie from Miami is on the 30-second clock because Tom doesn't trust anyone in the pre-topic minefield. He navigates the Spike calls according to his finely-tuned internal clock, which is why it wasn't audible. Laurie earns a stoppage with the promise of a tale involving a horrible book she saw this past Saturday on Free Comic Book Day. Tom asks her if there were a lot of kids browsing the store. Laurie says there were some, but she went to a shop that tends to skew older with an adjacent art gallery. Tom thought it was wise to schedule Free Comic Book Day so close to the release of Grand Theft Auto IV to completely draw the generational lines. He believes the current crop of kids are far too busy trying to become the next Final Boss-grade gaming juggernaut to have time to read even graphic-based material. Laurie wonders if Tom was out last week carjacking his way through NYC on a GTA4 "sick day." Tom assures her that he doesn't play that filth.

Laurie was disturbed to discover a book called Helen Killer on one of the racks. In a nutshell, Alexander Graham Bell invents some fontastical device that not only restores a young Helen Keller's sight and hearing, but also grants her superhuman strength and agility to help the Secret Service protect President William McKinley from assassination by a group of anarchists. Laurie doesn't recall the offending artist, but she assumes it's someone who wishes he was Frank Miller, which is sad because Miller is sort of awful. Tom is surprised that Laurie didn't like 300. Laurie says that the Helen Killer issue she perused was drawn as a serious comic lacking any sense of fun, and the author had the nerve to claim that he was inspired by Keller's life. She declares the Keller-as-Daredevil premise to be the worst she's ever read. Tom points out that she just gave the book a lot of free publicity to the 400 people listening to the show. In fact, Mike bolts from the studio to pick it up at Jim Hanley's in Staten Island. I hope he stopped off at Sedutto's to get a vanilly cone for Tom. Laurie thinks Mike would probably like HK, and she also recommends that he purchase Hack/Slash vs. Chucky while he's there.

Tom decides to move on because he runs a grown-up show that is not called Comic Book Talk. He wonders if the next discussion will involve the domestic bickering of The Lockhorns or the misadventures of Prince Valiant. Tom wants to know who actually read the Prince Valiant strip. He recalls seeing the color version in the Sunday Star-Ledger when he was a kid, and it was just as dull as the weekday monochrome version. Tom discovers a website for the Doo-Wop Preservation League, which is trying to convert Wildwood, N.J., into a full-blown Doo-Wop mecca. He thinks nature is doing a good job of overseeing a Darwinian demise for a genre that boasts guys like Spike as its only remaining flag-wavers. Squeaky agrees!

- Rodney in Newbridge calls to talk about a Free Comic Book Day gift that he truly enjoyed. He picked up a book called Hägar the Doo-Wopper, which combines the exploits of portly Viking warrior Hägar the Horrible with doo-wop music. The story begins with Hägar losing his trademark horn hat in a bet. The hat ends up in a charity auction, and The Moonglows are the high bidders. One of the Moonglows starts wearing it, and the now-hatless Hägar gets so mad that he murders one of the them. (It's not clear if the victim is the actual hat-wearer, or if Hägar selected a random Moonglow.) Rodney says that Hägar is able to pull off the killing because he knows all the old-time Vikingery ways of murdering his enemies. Tom wants to hear about the method he used for this particular murder. Rodney says that Hägar stabbed the unfortunate Moonglow with the tailbone of a yak, one of the gruesome action setpieces that makes the 300-page book a truly graphic novel not suitable for kids.

He tells Tom that he just wanted to turn him onto the new comic as thanks for discovering the music of Big Dipper and Red Kross via The Best Show. Tom says he might check out Hägar the Doo-Wopper. Rodney requests "The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath, and Tom appears reluctant to play something from the Dio-era of the band. Rodney notes that this is the second time in a few weeks that Tom has spoken poorly of The Dio Years. (Tom previously dissed Pablo Fontana's Hot Streak entry of Heaven y Hell / The Mob Rules / Live Evil, though he conceded that these records had an influential on Black Flag.) Rodney doesn't like it ... AT ALL. He tells Tom to watch his step. Tom asks him why every disagreement has to lead to a threat. Rodney denies making a threat, but repeats that that Tom should watch his step. He continues to deny making threats, interspersed with questions about whether Tom likes pain and wants to die. Tom say he doesn't want to die. Rodney denies saying anything along those lines, and he thinks Tom is taking things way too seriously. Rodney asks Tom if he's ever had his brakes cut and hangs up.

Rodney mentioned Big Dipper, who recently reunited to play shows in Hoboken, Brooklyn, and Boston to commemorate the release of Merge's Supercluster anthology of their back-catalogue. The band was propelled back to the live stage largely due to Tom's tireless efforts on The Best Show. He is big fan! Tom saw them at Maxwell's and then drove to Boston for their final homecoming show. As he passed through Connecticut he noticed the signs changing from Yankees! to Yankees vs. Red Sox: Who's Better?! to Red Sox! as he got closer to his destination. By the time he hit downtown Boston it looked like Christmas with all the red and green garb littering the streets. Tom estimates that three out of every four people were wearing Red Sox or Celtics gear, in addition to the giant, 60-foot banners splaying the horrible Celtics logo all over government buildings. Tom thinks the leprechaun mascot -- promoting a basketball team no less -- has to be the dumbest in all of sports. Mike proposes Hugo the Hornet, but Tom points out he's still a fun hornet and not nearly as goofy as the leprechaun. He classifies mascots like the Cleveand Indians' Chief Wahoo and the Atlanta Braves "Screaming Warrior" (as well as teepee-bound Chief Nokahoma) as just straight-up racist. Tom says that's how it flies down in Georgia, where these kinds of mascots pass mustard as being sensitive to Native Americans. True story: last July the Braves held a "KKK Night" where the first 10,000 fans received "jersey robes" (breathable mesh for the summer!) of their favorite players. Henry Owings was spotted wearing a Mike Hampton robe at a Torche/Harvey Milk show back in March.

Tom reviews the Celtics logo online and finds nothing to like about the leprechaun's pipe, shillelagh, closed eye, and dumb vest adorned with three-leaf clovers. He doesn't buy that this leprechaun is a skilled player just because he's spinning a basketball on his tiny finger. Tom states for the record that the Celtics are a complete embarrassment to the game. The supposed hardcourt Gods with the NBA's best regular-season record needed seven games to dismiss the scrubs on the 37-win Atlanta Hawks in the first round. Tom wasn't impressed by the Celtics crushing the Hawks in the decisive game because that is what they were supposed to do for the entire series. He denounces Kevin Garnett's throat-slitting gestures that indicated that the Hawks were finally dead. Tom tells the stiff that he should have murdered them in four games. He says he'd like to see someone pour hot coffee down his throat the next time he unleashes one of his jerky roars of passion. Tom recommends that Garnett make some clutch shots in a game that counts to justify all of his bellowing from the bench. He's convinced that this union of playoff flops (Paul Pierce and Ray Allen round out the trio of chronic losers) will not win it all after handing the rest of the remaining teams a how-to book on dismantling them. Tom cannot imagine being a Celtics fan dropping $280 to walk around with a leprechaun jacket. He compares it to roaming the streets in a Loony Toons jacket.

Fire. Why?

Tom puts his Celtics rant on ice to mention Hugo the Hornet's stunt before the second quarter of Game 1 of their series against the San Antonio Spurs. Hugo successfuly jumped off a trampoline, through a ring of fire, and dunked. However, the cleanup crew used standard fire extinguishers instead of the CO₂ cartridges to put out the flames, causing a 19-minute delay as the arena filled with smoke and the floor was flooded with slippery, chemical foam. Tom considers this a clear sign that the Hornets are a rinky-dink organization. He ends the Sports Talk segment because everyone gets bent out of shape whenever he talks about things that involve physical exertion.

However, everyone loves Tom's picaresque travelogues so he starts by describing his stay at the worst hotel in Boston. The dollhouse offered beanbag mattresses, and Tom did not enjoy sinking into them as he slept. He got folded in half throughout the night, and he wonders if the hotel will foot the bill for his eventual back surgery. Tom refers to the relative comfort of a Murphy bed and realizes that he is really skewing old tonight after previous references to doo wop and Wacky Packs. He wants to skew young, so he references Grand Theft Auto in the manner of an excited adolescent. Tom waited in line to get the game the day it came out, but he discovered that he needs some kind of gaming system to bring it to life.

Tom took a cab to the Middle East for the Dipper show, and the driver remarked that he was from the Middle East. He asked Tom to guess his country of origin. Tom stalled because he realized that he was bound to insult him by picking the wrong country in the hottest powder keg on Earth. The driver eventually revealed that he's from E-ran (pronounced I-ran in the South). While he was a nice enough guy, Tom didn't think he should be pressing the customer into an uncomfortable situation. He arrived at the club in time to see the reformed Great Plains play an awesome opening set to get the crowd primed for their local heroes. Before the band came on, Tom moved to the front to secure his spot for what is likely his final chance to see them. As the room started filling up, a piece of Drunk Boston Trash showed up, possibly the sister of the Celtics's leprechaun, and she shoved her way to the front. The DBT addressed Tom as "Tall Guy" and asked if she could get in front of him. Tom was not receptive to this request. He logged his time to stake out his position, even though he would have loved to float around and hang out with people. Tom certainly wasn't going to budge three inches to let some troll slide in. He enjoyed watching Dipper kill it from his prime spot, and the band went out like champs with their cover of Wings' "Jet." The next day he's driving out of Boston, and he saw a celebrity walking down the street amidst the sea of people either wearing sports garb or dressed as Colonial bellringers. Tom wants listeners to guess the person he saw. Mike guesses Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. Wrong!

- James guesses that Tom saw him. Tom can't hear him due to a faulty telephone line.

- Boring Owen checks in, and Tom takes the opportunity to ask him to ease up on the frequency of his Facebook bulletins. He keeps getting excited like an eight-year-old about a new notification only to find another Hungrr-related link. Wah-Waaaah. Tom understands that Owen is trying to do the right thing, but he thinks some Facebook etiquette is in order. BO says he figured the person Tom saw on the street was the "Hey, Tall Guy" troll. Tom wishes it was. BO reminds everyone that they can leave food donations for their mail carriers this Saturday to do their part for Stamp Out Hunger Day. Tom says he can't get mad at BO because he keeps showing that he's a good guy.

-Therese from Jersey City has a guess for Tom's mystery sighting. Tom can't pretend that he doesn't know her, but Therese assures him that she doesn't have any inside information. She guesses Peter Wolf because she sees him every time she's in Boston, although he's never dancing down the street like he does in the J. Geils Band video for "Centerfold." Therese says Wolf appears to be the type of famous person who doesn't want people to notice him, but he's simultaneously wondering if people are noticing him not wanting people to notice him. Tom says says all famous people operate according to this push/pull principle. Therese looks forward to hearing the correct answer later in the program.

- Julie from Cincinnati calls on her birthday, so Tom searches for the right note to sing to her. Julie disrupts the performance, and Tom laments that she doesn't even know how to properly accept birthday wishes. Julie admits that she has issues with accepting nice things from others, but she does love The Best Show. Julie was going to guess that Tom saw the Big Dipper show leprechaun, but Owen beat her to it. Tom wishes he saw the Celtics leprechaun on the street so he could run him over as he tried to brandish his shillelagh. Julie asks Tom to tell her the real person because she might pass out before he reveals it. She is skipping cake because she's trying to lose weight, but her husband did get her something nice for her special day. Julie is reluctant to mention it on the air, but Tom wants to hear it. Julie says they spent some quality time together. Tom correctly identifies it as a conjugal visit. Julie says it took place in the living room instead of prison. Tom thinks he was just imprisoned. Julie suspects it stems from a tax charge, but it's for the crime of talking to the deranged. She assumes Tom is referring to her, but Tom says he likes her and wishes her a Happy Birthday. Julie asks Tom if he could arrange for her to talk to Spike on the air. Tom says will make it happen as his birthday gift if she calls early enough. He tells everyone to stop recording this show.

- A caller rattles off several Boston hardcore luminaries as Tom's potential sightings:

• Al Barile from SSD
• Mike Dean from Gang Green
• Clif Hanger from The Freeze (makes the trip into Boston from Cape Cod)
• A member of Stanglehold
• A member of The Proletariat
• One of Jerry's Kids

After repeatedly ignoring Tom's clue that it wasn't anyone ever signed to the Taang! label, the caller takes a huge leap to Ted Danson. Nope. He fires again with the mailman. Tom quickly realizes that he's talking about Cliff Clavin from Cheers, although the caller still calls him a teledummy. Tom points out that Clavin is a fictional character who doesn't actually live in the Boston area. The caller thinks the entire cast lives there. He tries to think of one of the chicks, but not "Short Stuff" who does it with Danny DeVito. Tom says her name is Rhea Perlman. The caller is not a fan. Tom throws out Shelley Long, and the caller was indeed thinking of her. He refers to her as being "kind of smallish up top". Tom doesn't appreciate the comment, but the caller doesn't think he said anything. He hangs up before giving his name. Tom doesn't like this guy. Mike tells him it was his old NBHC nemesis, Hammerhead.

Tom says he'll solve the mystery a bit later because he needs to move on to something that doesn't involve the equally mysterious Hall of Champions, The Best Show fan-fiction contest (prose is starting to roll in), or the brush off he got from the 33 1/3 people regarding his proposal for Styx's, Cornerstone. He's a nice enough guy, but his book tally remains at zero. Tom thinks he'd be the best thing to ever happen to the series, and he wonders if the editors really know who he is. If they denied Tom, it doesn't look good for my latest proposals: Joe Satriani's Flying in a Blue Dream, Men at Work's Cargo, and L7's Hungry For Stink.

- Professional rock musician Ted Leo calls to put an end to all the speculation: it was him! Tom says it was very exciting to see Ted walking around in a Red Sox jersey. Ted reminds Tom that he was always wearing a hat to make sure he was adhering to the local ordinance dictating that you must wear at least one article of Red Sox clothing to avoid a beating on the subway. Tom thinks people who implement such a policy are sick. He knows that Ted is a big fan of Irish music like The Proclaimers and The Clancy Brothers with Tommy Makem, but he suspects that even he cannot defend the dumb Celtics logo. Ted agrees that it's pretty dumb because he likes his leprechauns to wear full jackets instead of vests. He prefers the more respectable fighting Irishman of his album otter. Tom finds it bizarre to associate any sporting activity with a leprechaun. He can't imagine anyone getting excited by the announcement that a one-eyed, 2' 2" leprechaun was suiting up as the starting small forward for the Celtics. Ted thinks Tom may be underestimating the ability of leprechauns to use their magical powers to dribble between the legs of defenders. Tom points out that you can stop their advances by throwing shoes at them. Ted remembers that the leprechaun did get the short end of the stick at the end of Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Tom adds the 1959 film to the list of tonight's old-skewing references.

Ted is hunkering down to work on some new songs amidst rumors that he retired from performing live. He confirms his decision, but after his recent falling out with Tom he came out of retirement to prove him wrong. Tom has e-mailed Ted several times about a song he needs to play live, and he will not stop until Ted grants his wish. Ted says the request might require the aid of a leprechaun sprinkling faerie dust. Tom has no interest in these little, nasty characters, and he gives the city of Boston a thumbs down. He wants its inhabitants to start snacking on some slices of humble pie. Ted remains pro-Boston.

Tom says everyone should get ready for an upcoming topic that will travel coast to coast to find out which American city is home to the biggest mutants. Ted says he's had some interesting moments while walking down the streets of Albuquerque, the city of mutterers and Mary B. Some FOT Chatters suggest The Pitts, and Ted agrees they have their share of undesirables. He also wouldn't strike Bloomfield off the list. Tom wonders if Ted is throwing his town under the bus because he got some bad onion rings at Holsten's. Ted thanks Tom for encapsulating his life with a neat metaphor. Tom asks Ted if he would considering playing his final show on the roof of Holsten's. Ted thinks it would be amazing, especially if he timed it to coincide with the weird, annual tradition of the Bloomfield Harvest Fest. Ted considers the name of the festival highly incongruous since there hasn't been an actual harvest in Bloomfield in 200 years. Tom wants to know what percentage of the goods for sale at the BFH have been locally harvested. Ted says it's mainly just crummy polyester dresses from Annie Sez that have been languishing on the racks.

Tom has been thinking about developing a shorthand method to catalog the good and bad people in the world. Alas, tonight's topic: Creepopedia. For example, Tom would include an entry for Cigar Aficionado, a publication with a highly creeper subscriber base. He'd also capture the creeps who exhibit a crypto-racist anger when Samuel L. Jackson accepts an acting role that doesn't require him to do that thing. Ted adds the N.Y. Jedi he just saw having silent light-saber fights in Washington Square Park. He singles out the guy who was definitely over the age of 45 amidst the 20-year-olds. Tom compares the age gap to when Funzie hung around Jefferson High School and Arnold's Drive-In for two cycles past his own graduation. He hears the sound of screeching tires, but Ted is unharmed. They bid each other goodnight.

- Daniel up in Boston calls to say he's been enjoying the show despite Tom's needling of his city. He admits that he's surrounded by dolts and wants to discuss a horrifying, Creepopedia-worthy scene he witnessed at a Celtics game. Tom wonders if it was Kevin Garnett stomping around like he just won his 14th championship even though he hasn't won anything in his entire life. Daniel likes how Garnett has seemingly co-opted Floyd Mayweather, Jr's pre-fight routine. Tom assumes that Mayweather's ring entrance somehow evokes a 7-foot-flop choking to inferior teams on the road. Daniel explains that Mayweather glares and points to the crowd in an attempt to be provocative and ominous, but he comes off looking like a child.

At one of the Celtics final regular-season home games, there was a gentlemen and an eight-year-old boy seated in the row in front of him. During every lull in the action during the fourth quarter, the man was goading the child to do something to liven things up since the Celtics were already strutting around to celebrate their conquest of the lowly Milwaukee Bucks. Daniels says that in the final minute the kid finally let loose with a "Yankees suck!" chant, seemingly oblivious to the sport he was watching and the complete lack of pinstriped intruders. Tom makes it clear that he doesn't care about the Yankees, but he ends up rooting for them just because the Boston sports fan is such a high-test, lab-farmed mutant. Daniel thinks both sets of fans are equally bad. Tom wants a black cloud to hover over Boston to take away all its sports hubris. Then again, he really doesn't care because he doesn't live his life through sports heroes. He's in the game right now. He steps onto the court every day. Daniel's says his big recent hero is Dave Wailek from Big Dipper. Tom thinks he's really good, but he also likes Gary Wailek, who is actually in the band. Tom GOMPs Daniel for the amateur-hour mistake.

- A female caller says a friend asked her to hang out with her and some dude she shacked up with for the past week in a hotel. She thinks it's creepy, and she'd like to hear Tom's take on the proposed event. Tom's not sure if he can accept an entry titled "Your Friend." The caller says she doesn't want to name names on the radio, and Tom doesn't want to talk to her anymore.

- A caller that sounds a lot like Zachary Brimstead, Esq., says Tom is doing too much sports talk tonight. He sings the word "Yaaaaaawn" to bolster his point. Tom apologizes for the boring programming. The caller hates it, and he promises to show Tom how to do a proper radio show real soon. He hangs up.

- Greg calls from the fertile farmland of Bloomfield, so Tom asks him if he would attend the final TLRx concert on the roof of Holsten's. Greg says that he would be the first person there even though he could probably hear it from his kitchen window. He wasn't there the night of filming for the final scene of The Sopranos, but his friend was getting Chinese food across the street. Tom commends him for an exciting anecdote. He apologizes for his sarcasm because Greg never billed his comment as such.

Greg says that his screening of Iron Man in Montclair was interrupted by people answering their cellphones. He considers this a litmus test for a whole level of selfish creepiness. Tom imagines one such creep taking a call during Horton Hears a Who! to tell a friend that the film is not good. Greg says he expects this behavior in the city, but not in Montclair. Tom accepts the entry, and he adds one about people who use the Bluetooth ear clips that look like a robot cockaroach has climbed up the side of their head. He's never encountered anyone using the device to talk about important business decisions, such as transferring $1 million between mutual funds. Greg thinks it just looks like a crazy person talking to themselves, especially on the NJ Transit system. Tom thanks him for the call.

- Nate from St. Paul calls from what Tom assumes is the inside of the Mall of America. He's not there, and he asks Tom if the megamall is his main reference point for the Twin Cities. Tom says it isn't and now believes he's at a Soul Asylum concert. Nate doesn't understand why the band is still kind of revered in the area. Tom thinks it has something to do with all the good records they put out in their early years. Nate apologizes for his cynical 'tude. He does take pride in local produce like The Replacements, Prince, Atmosphere, and Twins catcher Joe Mauer. He doesn't elaborate on Mauer because sports talk is now verboten for the remainder of the show. Nate's Creepopedia submission is people who have a bootleg car decal featuring Calvin Wunderkind peeing on something. Tom agrees that these people are complete creeps and extends it to anyone who puts any decal on their car. (Not sure how Tom reconciles this with his Meat Puppets decal.) Nate thinks it's creepy to want to express your dislike of a competing brand of automobile to fellow daily commuters. He points out that C&H creator Bill Watterson hates the decals, but he can't stop them because their omnipresence renders litigation ineffective. Tom agrees and directs Mike to log the new entry.

- Abraham calls from Boston, but he distances himself from the sports loons because he's only been there three years as a college student. He confirms that he's a Richard Kind enthusiast who takes everything he says as the gospel truth, although he's not really sure what the actor is up to these days. Abraham puts ironically racist jokes into the Creepopedia, and he finds it particularly gutless that the performers will never dare test their material on the people skewered in the punchline. Tom agrees that this is creepy behavior. Before he hangs up to attend to a Mad About You marathon, Abraham asks Tom if he saw Isle Iron Man. Tom says he plans to see the latest Marvel triumph despite being slightly troubled by Robert Downey, Jr.'s recent Letterman appearance. Downey claimed that he would crumple up the script pages and throw them against the wall at the start of each day. Abraham suspects Downey was exaggerating the level of improv allowed during the production. Tom GOMPs him for sounding like Steve Blue -- his mouth was one scooch too close to the phone.

- Top-notch Emma from Toronto follows up her recent 5-star debut call with an attempt to get a Canadian entry into the Creepopedia. Tom wonders if it's poutine, a popular fast-food dish consisting of French fries topped with cheese curds and a brown gravy of sorts. Emma says poutine is actually kinda good, but only under very specific circumstances and in very specific places. Tom informs her that the New Jersey version is called Dizgo Fries. Emma thinks Tom is making that up. He wishes. Emma apologizes for a high-pitched giggle, but the notion of Disco Fries is just ridiculous to her. Tom outs Mike as a champion Disco Fries eater. He's currently training for an unsanctioned July 4th event, which is held underneath the boardwalk that hosts the Nathan's hot dog contest. Emma picks Mike to win it without having ever seen Mike eat Disco Fries or knowing anything about the other competitors. Tom says he's seen Mike eat them every week. He makes them at home and brings them to the studio in a Tupperware container. Emma thinks it's good to have a hobby, but Tom says competitively eating Disco Fries is Mike's life. Emma now realizes that call screening is Mike's hobby. She apologizes to Mike for having him pegged. He's taking the whole discussion pretty hard because Disco Fries are generally off-limits on the show. Emma wonders if he's consoling himself by eating more Disco Fries. Tom is not looking. Emma doesn't blame him.

Tom suspects Emma's Toronto-based entry will involve street filth or the MuchMusic studio on Queen Street. Emma says she's unable to even walk past this atrocity. Tom assumes that it's always surrounded by throngs of screaming people hoping to catch a glimpse of someone from the Broken Social Scene collective. Emma doesn't want to say that BSS are too good for MuchMusic, but it definitely would not be one of their primary hangouts. Tom references Speaker's Corner, a weird booth that attracts drunken revelers to recap their evening for later airing on television. Emma thinks it's the worst thing ever, but Tom kind of likes the concept. Earlier today Emma tripped and fell as she rounded the corner on her way home. A couple of people failed to express any concern for her safety as they sauntered past her. She could accept that as standard behavior, especially since she was not screaming in pain, but there was a dude (Emma immediately apologizes for saying "dude") sitting on a bench directly in front of her who started laughing at her misfortune. Emma thought that was creepy behavior, and Tom lifts his ban on entries for individuals. The Creepopedia is now home to The Creep Who Laughed at Emma!

Tom reads a statement prepared by Mike regarding the Disco Fries commentary:

I would like to apologize to Mike for mentioning anything about Disco Fries, or anything about his upcoming Disco Fries competition. Competitive eating is a serious sporting event and is not meant to be taken lightly or made fun of. If I have hurt anyone's feelings, I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart. I would like to make a cash donation ...

Tom cuts the statement short because he draws the line at a cash donation.

- Tim from Pasadena, CA, wants the Creepopedia to include anyone who would go to a dog park. Tom says he once took Dogmo to a dog park, and it was an amazing experience. Tim considers that maybe it's just SoCal dog parks that bring the bad news in the form of people chatting you up. Tom says he just minds his own business and unleashes Dogmo so she can run wild. Tim agrees that it's great for the dogs, but the skeevy single dudes using it as a pick-up scene contribute to an aura of creepiness. He also doesn't like the class of people who initiate dog introductions. Tom thinks asking someone for the name of their dog is insane. Tim reveals that Tess is the name of his dog. Tom points out that he had no problem telling him the name of his dog, but he gets mad at dog park people for telling him the name of their dogs. He GOMPs Tim for hypocrisy. Tom doesn't think taking your dog out for some excercise is a demented, sick idea. He thinks dogs would rather run around with other dogs than get jammed into a booth at Two Boots or screen Anatomy of a Murder at Film Forum. (I do think Dogmo might enjoy the Godard's 60s retro.) Tom hopes Tim wakes up coated in human blood in a dog park. He says the other dog owners don't like it when he brings Dogmo's bowl of thirst-quenching human blood to the park.

- Herbie in Philadelphia says he made a successful trip to the dog park earlier today even though there were no other dogs around. Tom makes sure that Herbie brought his dog instead of dressing up in a dog costume. Herbie wants to put the various types of public arguers into the Creepopedia, including people shouting into their cell phones and people yelling at each other in their backyard with no regard for others. He's currently experiencing an assault from the latter category of creeps. Tom tells Herbie that he just redeemed himself after a checkered past that included his ill-advised attempt to take over the show with a First-World Problems topic. They tip and doff their hats to each other to honor the rapprochement.

[Much more to come.]

Amidst the sounds of heavy footsteps Mike tells Tom that a weird guy is approaching the studio, and he's not sure if he's going to make it through the door due to his excessive girth. The heavyset visitor emits some Muppet-sounding moans and calls Mike a fool for not pushing him hard enough. He's still jammed in the doorway so he removes his shirt to reduce some of the friction and allow his sweaty flesh to help him glide to freedom. The topless attempts offer no improvement, and as Mike continues to strain, the guest calls him a fool again for forgetting to apply the provided oil to his haunches. Mike says he's unable to get any leverage because his hands keep sinking into the man's fat rolls. Tom is increasingly disgusted by the spectacle, and the guest tells Mike to slather him in the oil. It's not clear if Mike obliges the request, but he strains so hard to dislodge him that the wall starts buckling. The guest tells Mike to give him a big push from behind, and he does it on the count of 3. The sounds of the man busting through the doorway and collapsing onto the floor indicate this effort was successful. Mike thinks he suffered a rupture in the process. The guest acknowledges that getting a rupture is bad stuff. He quotes from an old song that he's sure Tom's heard: "When your B's hit the floor like a B-54, that's a rupture." Tom is not familiar with the tune.

Tom asks the guest to identify himself, and he blasts Tom's ears with an extremely hot "What?" He says he often has similar trouble with his levels when he's doing gigs. It's "Zebe" aka ZB aka barbershop quartet legend, Zachary Brimstead, Esq., who Tom has previously described as the "bane of his existence." ZB is making his first appearance on the program since Bryce handed him the phone in April 2007 while they were both patients at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. At that time Brimstead had just become the new spokesman for the Barberzon Agency, which specializes in placing barbershop singers in print ads for model airplane products. He told Tom that he would once again rule the roost because he overcame his addictions to cakes, candies, candied cakes, and shoe-based pornographies.

ZB suspects that Tom would have immediately recognized him from his famous cumberbund if he hadn't removed it to aid his passage. Tom mentions that ZB has called a fair amount of the years, and ZB believes he's livened up and improved all those shows. Tom is a bit flustered because he never imagined actually confronting the monstrous man in person. ZB suspects that even with his vivid descriptions of his size, Tom could never imagine that he'd be this big. He's having trouble getting his arm through the hole of his shirt, and Tom really wants him to keep trying to get it back on. He isn't pleased about the partial nudity, and ZB tells Tom that he can't judge him for it. Tom's not sure why, so ZB asks call screener Leopold to tell him: ZB judges Tom. Tom is trying to avoid looking at him, and ZB challenges Tom to try not to laugh when he tells him his new joke:

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Is anyone.

Is anyone who?

Is anyone gonna eat that sub sandwich I saw downstairs in the fridge

ZB says he's hungry, but he can't get out of his seat to retrieve the sub, which is likely leftover from the PBR/PFT visit two weeks ago. (Perhaps the remnants of those four Domino's Oreo pizza are also available.) Tom didn't even know there was one down there. ZB says it looked old, but he's eaten older, such as a six-week-old hoagie consisting of provolone, Swiss, onions, lettuce (pickled), and pickles. Tom thinks the aged sandwich is disgusting. ZB thinks Tom's show is also disgusting. He remembers that there was ripened egg salad on that sub. Tom thinks six weeks is far beyond the ripe stage. ZB loves it, and he thinks Tom will love it when he makes him eat it. Tom makes it clear that he has no plans to forcibly or voluntarily eat ripened egg salad. He asks ZB is there is a reason he willed himself into the studio after an arduous climb and epic struggle in the stairwell. ZB says he's glad nobody saw him. Tom says that Mike caught a glimpse of him at one point and concluded that he was having a hard time. ZB says that hurts his large feelings. ZB made the trek because he wanted to share a lot of big news.

He makes sure that Tom is strapped in and wearing his figurative helmet before revealing that he's opening a chain of restaurants with locations in Newbridge, Westbridge, Old Westbridge, New Southeastbridge, and the tiny town of Troybridge. Tom says he doesn't know Troybridge at all. ZB tells him it's south of Old Southbridge off Route 15 where that thing exploded. Tom thinks he knows where that is, and he assumes that Troybridge is above that gross, pond-like pit. ZB points out that it has stuff in it that stinks to high Heaven. He and Tom agree that it's a manmade atrocity. ZB says it's near the spot where the old pillow museum was before it was stolen. ZB asks Tom if he's ready for Brimstead's - Where the Food Buckets are Always Filled to the Brim (TM). He says all of the food will arrive in metal buckets, and Tom doesn't think that sounds like a very appealing presentation. ZB says they acquired these serving vessels from a local horse racing track because they are easier to hose out at the end of the night. Tom doubts that most diners will enjoy the experience of ladling their food into the buckets. ZB calls Tom an idiot for suggesting that customers would use a ladle. He says they will use lastic scoopers. ZB says the second Brimstead's slogan is Massive Portions for Massive Appetites (TM). ZB asks Tom to guess who comes around to each table to loudly serenade customer. Tom guesses that he does. ZB asks Tom if he's been to the restaurant, which is impossible because it hasn't actually opened yet.

ZB asks Tom if he knows what else he has on his big plato (Spanish for "plate"). Tom has no idea. ZB tells him that he's looking at the next star from Newbridge to take his acting talent to Weird-O-Wood. Tom says he's heard people refer to Hollywood as "Hollyweird." ZB asks Leopold about this, and he's never heard "Weird-O-Wood" either. Tom tells ZB that it's Mike, but he doesn't think he seems like a Mike. He moves forward by announcing that he will appear in the new movie made by the best director of all-time. ZB is certain that Tom will name this top-notch, A-list director on the first try. Tom guesses Martin Scorsese, but ZB hasn't heard of him. Tom says he directed Goodfellas. ZB thinks that sounds like the name of a candy bar. He asks Tom for a candy bar, but he doesn't have one. ZB hopes that call screener Reggie might have one. Tom says he's pretty sure that Mike doesn't have one. ZB apologizes to Rick for getting his name wrong again. Tom guesses Oliver Stone (ZB as Dick Cheney!), but ZB doesn't know that woman. ZB says he will be playing the lead The Man in the Iron Cumberbund, the new film by extreme filmmaker Trent L. Strauss. He calls Tom a moviedummy for failing to identify TLS.

Tom asks him if that is anything like The Main in the Iron Mask. ZB says he was going to ask what that is, but he'd be lying because he knows what that is. He says that TMitIC is kind of based on that story from the olden days of classical music. Tom agrees that it's from the past, but he doesn't define the era by classical music. ZB says it's the time when people first wrote and recorded classical music. Tom says none of it was recorded, and ZB wonders how we know about it. Tom says they wrote it down on musical score sheets and performed it live. ZB says he doesn't get it. Tom's surprised he doesn't know how to read music because he thought he was a pretty big musician. ZB says it's all in his head. He prefers to work by instinct and feel like Quincy Jones and CCR guitarist Tom Fogerty. Tom always had a different ake on Fogerty's playing style, but ZB insists that he was totally a feel-musician. He thinks he's still an active member of CCR, but Tom says he died a few years ago. ZB wants to know whaaaaaaaaaaaaaen. Tom repeats that he passed on a few years ago. ZB doesn't think so, but he wants to get back to his film debut.

He says the popular myth is that the man whose head was encased in the iron mask is the twin brother of Louis Ziv, the French king. Tom knows him by the name Louis XIV. ZB has never heard of Roman numerals, although he does know football player Roman Gabriel and Times New Roman, which he believes is a font, not to be confused with his many fontasies.
ZB asks Tom if he wants to hear about one of them. Tom says he doesn't want to hear anything that could possibly be described as one of his fontasies. ZB wants to take a moment to do something very nice. He sends a message out to his dear grandnephew, Bonnie, who is graduating high school. ZB mentions that she will be attending Shorter College in the fall. Tom is reluctant to give out any personal information over the air, but ZB says he loves her so. Tom agrees that Bonnie is a very nice young lady.

TLS signed up ZB to play a debauched, massively-overweight, elegantly-dressed street thug named Weird Walter, whose insatiable appetite for food gets him in trouble. ZB says that the story starts with WW getting arrested for stealing 18 kruellers from Duncan's Donuts, a fictional stand-in for Dunkin Donuts. ZB compares it to the Queens-based fast food eatery called McDowell's in Coming to America, starring teo guys he doesn't like. Tom identifies them as Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. He declines to explore the reasons for ZB's aversion to them. ZB thinks this is a fair decision.

The Men in Blue are called to investigate the pastry heist, and they work WW over, stripping away his tuxedo and battering his berry with their night sticks. ZB tells Tom that this is a particularly sick scene. WW gets very angry, and the cops throw him in a filthy jail. Tom thinks it's odd that he was jailed for wanting to eat, but ZB reminds him about the unlawful "liberation" of the DD kruellers. Tom feels really bad that he had trouble following the plot of this movie. ZB says it's actually quite simple and riveting. Tom thinks it seems classic in a way. ZB compares it to The Ruins, which he regrettably missed during its one-day theatrical run. The authorities put WW in a horrible orange jumpsuit and encased him in a giant cumberbund made of i-ren, a punishment not unlike the "hat of pickers" Jesus wore prior to his crucifixion. Tom is pretty sure that ZB is referring to the Crown of Thorns. ZB doesn't think so. Tom admits that he's not a Biblical scholar (ZB thinks he looks like one), but he's never head anyone call it a "hat of pickers." ZB wants Tom to IMDb it.

WW is in agony after several months of incarceration, and unbeknownst to him, the jail was constructed atop an ancient Quaker burial ground. ZB confirms that Tom is familiar with these very peaceful people. One night there is a tremendous lightning storm, and ZB wants Tom to guess what happens next. Tom guesses that WW is struck by lighting. ZB asks Tom if he read the script. Tom says that he's heard enough about the TLS oeuvre to know that structures built above ancient burial grounds and lightning strikes are two of his favorite plot devices. ZB the spirits of the Quaker warriors are unleashed after the jail gets hit by the bolts. They spring to life and possess WW's body, infecting him with their anger and causing him to blow multiple gaskets. WW then seeks revenge on the cops and all those who refused to give him substenance. Tom says that "sustenance" is the correct term for the food and nutrients necessary to survive. ZB clarifies that he's referring to the stuff WW loves to chew and devour. WW is now transformed into The Man in the Iron Mask/Girth Man, an oversized superhero who fights crime and ne'er-do-wells by shoving his fat rolls in their faces. ZB says that the now-possessed WW also beats his nemesi with his iron cumberbund as he skips around from the classical musical days to the year 2091.

Tom is a bit puzzled about how TLS will handle the time-travel component of the film. ZB says he's using flashbacks, flash-forwards, and even a flash-sideways as an homage to Funny Farm, starring Cha-vee Chase and Mary Steamvirgin. Tom doesn't think she was in it, and he knows her last name is Steenburgen. WW arms himself by fashioning whip from barbed wire and cumberbund shrapnel, and chiseling a pointed knife from his own filth. Tom is disgusted by the latter weapon, but ZB convincingly argues that it wouldn't really be a true TLS production without this kind of makeshift implement. ZB thinks the knife is similar to the device used by someone they all know. Tom says it's Judge Davies, but ZB was actually thinking of the apparatus used by Pablo Fontana. Tom points out that it was a variant of the device. ZB is not familiar with the word "variant" so he writes it down because he likes to build a nice vocabulary. Tom thinks he has a very good one, and ZB appreciates the compliment. ZB says that's all TLS has told him about the ideas for the script.

ZB hopes to include a lot of his barbershop renditions of other music in the film. He recently invented a new genre called Horrorshop to compliment TLS's demented vision. Tom knows he's done uptempo rock with Barbershop Sweat, and ZB recalls that Tom's ladyfriend enjoyed those songs. He also did the much filthier Barbershop Eros last year, which literally oozed eroticism and bordered on performance art. ZB knows Barberie really liked that. He says that Horrorshop essentially involves him taking the best black-, grind-, and death-metal and shopping it up. Tom wants to wants to know how he manages to shop up death metal. ZB says he considers the original intentions of the lyrics to make it apropos to the barbershop milieeeeuuuu. Tom says he'd like to hear an example of a horrorshopping spree. ZB is ready to lead with a selection from Darkthrone. Tom is not familiar with the band, and ZB calls him a fool for not knowing that they are purveyors of pure Norwegian black metal. ZB takes a moment to get his pipes happening and find the right note, which in this case approximates the death rattle of a dying animal. He then launches right into "Pure Demonic Blessing" from the Goatlord compilation of the 1990-1991 demos. Tom waves him off after the first verse of "beast come to me / possess me as I burn / into your realms" because he doesn't like what he hears. ZB convinces him to listen to the second verse: "Come raging chaos / rule power from your soul / pure demoniac blessing / as I kill myself in woe." Tom thinks the material is a bit too heavy for the barbershop treatment. ZB reminds Tom that the songs will serve as the soundtrack to The Man in the Iron Cumberbund. Tom prepares himself to think in terms of how they will work with the story. ZB tells him he will have to think in general, which is something he never does. ZB calls out to Roy for confirmation, but the only other person in the studio is named Mike.

Tom is concerned about Mike's condition after his traumatic rescue mission. Mike is hanging in there, but he's still toweling off all the oil. ZB says he'll need another application when he makes his exit. He admits that his oil is very oily, which is something a lot of his lovers have complained about. Tom thinks that's disgusting, so ZB asks him if he'd prefer a little Napalm Death. Tom correctly assumes that he doesn't really have much of a choice. ZB selects "Polluted Minds" from their classic 1987 grindcore debut Scum. He asks Tom if he reads Decibel, which ZB considers the greatest grind magazine on the market. Tom doesn't read it, and ZB says he missed their recent feature on the making of Scum in honor of its 20th anniversary. He finds his note again, a bit more guttural this time:

They not only pollute the air

They pollute our minds

They're destroying the earth

And destroying mankind

Polluted minds

Kill mankind

Tom waves him off again because he's getting a headache. ZB starts the second verse of "They don't give a ..." before Tom cuts him because he senses imminent filth. ZB isn't pleased that that Thought Police have arrived. He thinks Tom is worse than Officer Harrups. Tom points out that there are broadcasting rules he must follow.

ZB says Harrups took away his vintage car/planter because it was overflowing with weeds. Tom vaguely recalls previously discussing the planter, but he tries to forget the particulars of ZB calls. ZB acknowledges that a lot of people try to block him out. Tom says he has a screaming headache from listening to his voice. ZB promises to make the pain go away right now if Tom can answer one question: Do ya love Deicide? Tom doesn't think his response will affect ZB's decision to sing one of their songs. ZB wonders what Tom would pick as the one Deicide song he'd like to hear rendered in the barbershop tradition. Tom's not sure, so ZB thinks "Conquered By Sodom" from 2004's Scars of the Crucifix would be his choice. Tom says he can't think of one he'd want to hear more. ZB finds his note in the form of an anguished moan:

The silence has been broke for centuries denied,

Indulgence overlooked ignored and put aside.

The light of god diminished by his holy priest,

Destroying ...

Tom cuts him off because he doesn't like where the lyrics are headed. ZB intends to close his set with a song from a man named Kevin, who is probably the greatest songwriter of their generation. He informs Tom that Kevin, who has passed on, is better known by his stage name of GG Allin. ZB wants to perform a GG song called "I Kill Everything I ...," but Tom won't even let him say the full title. ZB concludes that his appearance was worthless. Tom tells him that he didn't even invite him. ZB thinks Tom is probably glad that he did make the trip. Tom says he enjoyed it in a trainwreck kind of way. ZB says he's going to put that train back on the rails and ride it to victory. Even though he can see him, ZB asks Tom is he's strapped in and wearing a helmet because he, Zachary Brimstead, Esq., is very excited to be tossing his cumberbund into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. Tom doesn't remember him being a resident of Newbridge proper, but ZB says he has a cot within city limits. He thought he only needed 36 signatures, so he asks Tom to sign his petition to make it official. Tom doesn't want to sign it and has no intention of voting for him. ZB tells call screener Dell to come over to sign the petition. Tom says his name is Mike, and he's also running for mayor. ZB tells Mike that he will need his help getting through the door so he can canvass the are to obtain the final signature. He thinks he may have to go to Das Sieben Und Der Elf to see if Werner will sign it. ZB thought he looked like a Nazi, but found him oddly likable. Tom confirms that he's a scary, intense guy. ZB summons Mike to grease him up big time for his grand exit. He asks Mike to help him up, and Tom wants to get him out as soon as possible. ZB directs Mike to grab him by his haunches, and he seems to really enjoy the sensation of the initial attempts before getting stuck again. Just like his entrance, a big push on the count of 3 pops him loose.

[More to come.]

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom delivers another three hours of mirth, music, and mayhem. What did you ever do?

If the Celtics had employed this leprechaun maybe they could win a road playoff game! Hey-O!

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Clearly the success is due to the animated gifs.

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Hit the VOTE button.

Radiohead - Nude (DOP Remix)"

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