Philly Boy Paul.
"Actually, you must be listening down in Alabama. This line of mockery is not tracking." -- Tom, ending a riff about the Internet being unavailabe in the southern state
"Oh, it sounds great. It's like I'm gettin' crushed by the waves down at Barnegat." -- Philly Boy Roy, riding the reverb during his performance of "And We Danced"
"There will be slathering, why? Oh yeah, there will be squishing, too, yeah." -- Philly Boy Roy, detailing his plans for transferring Zachary Brimstead from his home to his Pacer
"He did hate me, actually. You know why? 'Cause I threw a stick of butter at him one night." -- PBR, explaining why "He Hate Me" hate him
"Ok, thought it'd be something else." - PBR, surprised to find out that San Francisco's XFL team was called the Demons
"Oh, Sahib, please just school me." -- PBR, requesting a lesson from renowned Yes scholar, Tom Scharpling
"Oh, yeah, I don't think we should have that. Because I don't think we should go in and get people's stems." -- PBR, stating his position on the controversial issue
"No, don't! Don't do it, host! The transformation is almost complete! I don't like it!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, begging Tom not to further Philly-ize him with Bill Conti's Rocky anthem
"You know what I hate about Apollo Creed?" -- PBR, asking PFT to pinpoint his aversion to Rocky's ring rival
"I think I know." -- PFT, realizing that Creed is an African-American man
"You know what's already turning me off on this? The YouTube still of it." -- Tom, approaching Meat Loaf's AT&T GoPhone commercial with extreme trepidation
"You know where I was? I was in Kensington whipping firecrackers at kids going to see the Dead Kennedys." -- PBR, indicating how he spent his leisure time in 1983
"Can I say one thing? Pimply. Kind of a turn-on. You're not wearing like Chuck Taylors without socks are ya? 'Cause that's the second big turn-on." -- PBR, revealing his skewed fontasy to Julie from Cincinnati
"A bellboy is a boy. Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady." -- PBR, setting Tom straight on Clue's singing telegramist
"You don't like Tarantino because you think that he's a smug creep." -- PBR, making an astute assessment of Tom's rejection of the filmmaker
"Who don't love a good SEPTA joke?" -- PBR, asking a question that has haunted Philadelphia comedians for decades
"Are you wearing the skin of the person who sold you those Chocolate Skittles?" -- Tom, inquiring about the attire of Wes, The Hillside Strangler
"I feel like I've got a lot to bring to this town." -- PFT, reluctantly tossing his finely-tailored suit into the ring
The Replacements - "Perfectly Lethal"
( Click here to buy the Let It Be reissue)
Plastic Constellations - "Hardland / Heartland"
( Click here to buy We Appreciate You)
Busted Statues - "Red Clouds"
( Click here to visit Busted Statues on Myspace)
Bullet Lavolta - "The Gift"
( Click here to buy The Gift)
Northern Bushmen - "Neat, Neat, Neat" (The Damned cover)
( Click here to visit Northern Bushmen on Myspace)
Antietam - "Sink or Swim"
( Click here to buy Everywhere Outside)
Titus Andronicus - "My Time Outside The Womb"
( Click here to buy The Airing of Grievances)
Bike - "My Love My Life"
( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
- A female caller skips the standard greeting that generally prefaces civil radio discourse to accuse Tom of being a bunch of sour grapes regarding his criticisms of I'm Not There. She loved it despite not being a huge Bob Dylban fan. Tom asks her if she normally launches into a rant without any kind of greeting. She offers a belated "hello," and Tom apologizes for putting her out with a request for some common courtesy. The caller doubts that Tom really cares whether she says hello because he's too busy ripping everyone to shreds. Tom says he is a polite person who can have differing opinions about a film. The caller agrees that he's entitled to his take, but she feels like he's just being a provocateur. Tom reminds her that he dropped $9.50 to see this thing and requests a refund. The caller has seen the film twice, including a $20 advance screening at the Woodstock Film Festival. She is ready for a third go-round. Tom's glad she enjoyed it and thinks she can understand that he didn't like it.
The caller informs Tom that director Todd Haynes employed non-traditional narrative techniques to illuminate the various stages of Dylban's life and public personas with surrogates that position him as a totemic presence in audience's collectively shared culture. Tom says he was able to crack the code and figure that out. The caller says it obviously didn't mean anything to him. Tom reiterates that he simply didn't like the film despite its ambitious thematic scope and visual flair. The caller wants Tom to provide some specific reasons why he didn't like it. Tom yells that he just talked about it for 35 minutes. The caller realizes that this segment occurred before she tuned in. Tom has had enough and turns her into a ghost using his soundboard.
The sounds of heavy breathing into the microphone can mean only one thing: The Best Show is back for another Tuesday night installment. The host, Tom Scharpling, asks Mike the Associate Producer if he can leave now because a phone line is already flashing. Mike assures him that the call has potential. Tom points out that every call has potential when it's still on hold. Tom majored in Music (Tier 2), minored in Mayhem (Tier 3), and now he's ready to earn an advanced degree in Mirth, the first tier of his three-pronged attack. He has a knot in his stomach, and he does knot want to be here tonight. However, he can't go around it. He's gotta go through it.
- Chris from Alabama calls rookie-style, man, because he's been loving this killer show since Jan/Feb, brotha. He thinks The Best Show has the best intro music in radio, and he's been humming it day in and day out. Tom confirms its catchiness and stops the clock because Chris is complimenting him. (Pre-topic daredevils take note!) Chris gets right to a rapid-fire, hypothetical question that he wants Tom to take seriously.
After building an audience in freeform community radio, a corporate-owned station offers Tom $115,000/year for a three-hour radio program in the NYC market. Chris says that Tom will be paid monthly, but sweetens the deal with a "wicked sign-on bonus" of $25,000. Tom wants to hear about the fictional company's Christmas party before accepting the offer. Chris mentions that corporate radio broads tend to be a little heavyset. Tom GOMPs the sick misogynist before he can go into more details about what these broads will be up to around the holidays. He takes some solace in the fact that Chris was on hold for 35 minutes before his potential evaporated. Tom starts to inform the departed Joe Alabama that the Internet is exclusively available in the northeast, but he aborts the line of mockery after realizing that Joe listens to the show via online streaming.
- Author Ken Rogers returns to the program for yet another attempt to get through an interview without spouting some of the most vile obscenities of all-time. Tom attributes his compulsion to curse to some kind of mental sickness. Back in January Rogers revealed that he was diagnosed with Tri-Polar Disorder (a tangling of the brain) after Pastor Reynolds, his new caretaker, took him to a psychologist. Despite mounting audio and medical evidence, Rogers seems to object to Tom's description of his behavior, although he does admit to struggling with "issues" in the past couple of years. He regrets that Tom has been privvy to his outbursts. Rogers confirms that privvy is a word and says he's never liked it. Tom suspects it's the pair of "v"s, but Rogers objects to the odd way it reminds him of two other unpleasant words: "panties" and "skivvies." Tom really doesn't like the latter word. He's not sure if "privvy" actually has three "v"s, and Rogers is pretty certain that the term does have a trio due to some kind of military requirement. Tom asks Mike to check on that. Rogers doesn't know who that is because he thought the call screener was named Umberto. He assumed that Tom was going to wait for Mike to report his findings, but Tom says he'll mention it later in the program. Rogers says "program" is another of one his least-favorite words. Tom can handle that one.
Tom reminds listeners that Rogers wrote Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into The Workplace, which has had a very positive impact on his life and the lives of many of his Consolidated Cardboard co-workers. Tom was first exposed to the self-help tome from the rave reviews by a guy in the CC personnel department. He left the book for people to read, but many, including Tom, were initially skeptical about its value. Tom ignored it for awhile, but something eventually intrigued him enough to take it home. When he finally started reading it, he responded to the book's central idea that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role inside the office. Rogers argues that this crossover is particularly important when it comes to making decisions and establishing relationships with co-workers. Tom has made seven prior attempts to ask Rogers if a person's role in the overarching office hierarchy reflects on their stature -- or lack of stature -- outside of the workplace. Unfortunately, Rogers has been unable to provide an answer that is fit for radio. Rogers says he's well aware that he's had to apologize ad infinitum, the correct Latin phrase to indicate a non-terminating, repeating process and something that could pass as an advertisement for a car called an Infinitum. Tom is familiar with Infiniti, Nissan's luxury line, and Rogers wonders if Infinitum was a vehicle brand during the early days of rock 'n roll back in the 1950s. He considers himself a thinker, and this is the kind of thing he likes to think about it.
Rogers says the Five Steps tour is over, and now he's promoting Tohellenback, a new book that was inspired by his odd and troubling conversations with Tom. He knew he had to make some changes because whenever he started talking something inside of him would make him say the wrong thing in a major, bawdy, way. Tom thinks "bawdy" is being very gentle. Rogers says "dirty" would probably be more appropriate. Tom thinks "pornography" would still be too kind. Rogers asks Tom not to judge him because he judges Tom. He realizes that he just violated Step #74 ("Not Judging") of the 92-Step Program he entered to aid his recovery. Tom agrees that it's not good to judge others. Rogers says the new book is the story of how he made a complete 180-degree turnaround. He knows that some people tout a 360-degree journey to success, but that just puts you right back to where your started. Tom confirms that 180 is the furthest possible point from your original position. Rogers wants to read a segment of the powerful first chapter, "Bottoming Out: Lord Please Help Me." He thinks the listeners will be moved by these life-changing two pages. Tom lets him proceed, but he immediately dumps him because the opening line was sick. He can't imagine who agreed to publish a book that even Hustler publisher Larry Flynt would reject for excessive filth. Tom asks Mike to never let Rogers through again. He's tries to unsee the image Rogers put in his mind by shaking it off like a dog.
Tom assures everyone that the goons, creeps, and second-raters cannot stop The Best Show. He's on a mission to gain admission into a universal Hall of Fame that will cherry pick items from The Smithsonian. Tom believes that some of the omissions -- like the Spirit of St. Louis -- will make people's heads spin. He decides against giving out the phone number because he's not hanging out at the Rec Hall chatting it up with the riff-raff. Tom thinks the backwards sicko from Alabama ruined it for everyone. He's quick to distance himself from anti-South crusaders like Michael K from The Cyncis by pointing out that this guy would be backwards even if he hailed from Massachussets. Mike warns Tom that he wouldn't bet on this next call.
- Tugboat Richie calls while sitting on the stern of his boat awaiting orders to maneuver a barge through the New York Harbor. He expects to travel South, and Tom orders him to walk the plank in the interim. Richie says he's done that before, and Tom bets that he banged his head on the side after drinking a little too much salt water. Richie says that all of the other tugboat passengers think he's nuts for listening to WFMU because they don't appreciate good radio. He admits that you've got to be nuts to be on a tugboat in the first place. Tom GOMPs Tugboat Richie for trying to tell him when the call is over. However, he declares Tugboat Richie to be one of the frontrunners in a bad crop of ROY contenders. While 2007 brought the likes of Eddie and Martin from Edison, this year has delivered Julie from Cincinnati, Tugboat Richie, and Steve from North Hollywood, who thought he could bamboozle Tom with the kid from Drillbit Taylor. Tom gives a thumbs down all around.
Tom informs Mike that Harmony Korine recently directed two Budweiser commercials. Mike one-ups him with Meat Loaf's commercial for AT&T's GoPhone. Tom Googles it and congratulates Meat Loaf for officially bottoming out in the world of commercial advertising. He suspects that Meat Loaf thought he already hit the bottom floor, but then a trap door opened, sending him further down the pop culture abyss. Next stop: the Chiller Theatre EXPO. Tom advises federal and local authorities to dust off the paddywagon to arrest attendees on general principle and sort it out at the station. He thinks Butch Patrick would be a leading light at this event, which boasts Jay Mewes scribbling his "Snootchie Bootchies" catchphrase for $25. Tom's not even going, but he still feels that somebody owes him money for exposure to the notion that this event exists.
Tom checks his notebook and sees a familiar phrase: "Best Show Hall of Champions." It's been there for 2.5 years, and he doesn't know what it means. Tom says if someone can tell him what it is, he will talk about it and then finally cross it off the list. He also wants bands to stop pretending that their finished, recorded output was the result of a spontaneous little jam session by having some chatter and laughter in the background before a track starts. Tom's only friend on Earth right now is his Diet Coke, and he's not even crazy about it anymore.
- A polite gentlemen calls to ask Tom for three minutes of his time to answer some questions for a poll he's conducting.
Q. Are you a citizen of Newbridge, N.J.?
Q. Do you think Newbridge, N.J., is in need of new leadership?
Q. Do you think that new leadership should come from outside of the Newbridge community?
Q. Define possibly.
A. I would be willing to entertain the idea of a candidate from outside of Newbridge.
Q. Do you own a green car?
Q. Does it have a Meat Puppets sticker on the back window?
A. Yes. Why?
The caller says he will be there in a second and hangs up. Tom doesn't like how this is shaping
up down. Mike alerts Tom to someone entering the building, and there is a knock at the studio door. It's Philly Boy Roy. He's surprised to see Tom because he thought he entered some creepy house. Tom starts to get the sound levels set in the headphones, and it reminds PBR of the time he jumped on stage with Robert Hazard and did some mic checks. PBR requests some reverb on his voice as he starts singing Hazard's "Escalator of Life." When the reverb takes effect he switches to his old standby, "And We Danced" by The Hooters. He greatly enjoys the reverb effect because it sounds like he's getting crushed by the waves down at Barnegat after he dosing on 'shrooms. Tom removes the reverb, and PBR misses it. Tom doesn't expect the visit to last long enough for another round of reverb, but PBR plans to stay until 11. Tom is concerned that an extended PBR stint will prevent him from doing some other things he had planned. PBR bets these plans include playing records by Redd Kross and Big Dipper. PBR once threw eggs at Big Dipper during a show at J.C. Dobbs because they stunk. Tom denies that they stink. PBR doesn't like that they are playing some reunion shows later this week. Tom thinks it's best to agree to disagree on the merits of the band.
PBR says he's visiting to New Jersey to campaign for his Mayublanatorianum run. (And, presumably, to retrieve the spank mags from his PO Box.) Tom gets him to remove the "l" to correctly pronounce the "bin" sound, and PBR hopes this doesn't somehow involve Osama Bin Laden. Tom assures him that it is not any kind of endorsement of the Islamic militant leader. PBR don't like that at all, and he's sure his constinlichintents won't like it either. Tom's not entirely about that term, so PBR gives it to him in layman's terms: his "peeps." PBR spent the day "stumping," but he discovered that there is a big difference between this activity as practiced in New Jersey vs. Philadelphia. Tom asks him if he was doing door-to-door canvassing to introduce himself to voters. PBR repeats that he's been stumping. He explains that Philadelphia-style stumping involves going to a park (or wherever dead trees are located), pulling the stumps out of the ground, and then throwing them through a car window. PBR first heard the term during some election news coverage of the Democratic primary battle between Victoria Clinton and a man named Osama. Tom informs PBR that the candidate's name is Barack Obama. PBR thinks it's sounds Arab, and he don't like it one bit. Tom says that is why people have the right to express their opinions by voting in elections. PBR thinks everyone in Newbridge should vote for him as their next mayor.
While he was stumping he met a wonderful older gentlemen who was housebound due to being sort of morbidly obese to the extreme. Despite his immobility, he was able to entertain PBR by singing some barbershop music. Tom thinks he knows who it is. PBR confirms that he had a very deep voice and a very large cummerbund, the two trademarks of Zachary Brimstead, Esq. PBR says he made plans to go out drinking later tonight with Brimstead. Tom wants him to define "out" considering Brimstead is apparently unable to voluntarily leave his home. PBR says that he purchased a lot of butter to slather over Brimstead's body in an attempt to pry him through his doorway. He will then squish him into his AMC Pacer so they can head over to Zonkers. Tom thinks PBR's vehicle is in for a special evening.
PBR asks Tom if he will vote for him. Tom says he is still weighing all of his options in the very crowded field. PBR wants to make sure that Tom is not considering call screener Terrence. Tom says his name is Mike. PBR thinks Terrence is a name that he would have because he has an appearance that suggests an Englishmen like John "Thunder Fingers" Entwistle from The Who. PBR saw The Who at JFK Stadium on the It's Hard tour, and he gives Tom one guess as to what drug he was on during the concert. Tom guesses acid. PBR calls Tom a dunce because he was on 'shrooms. He doesn't know song they opened with because he was in the parking lot vomiting due to the 'shrooms, Wawa hoagies, Jim's, Pat's, Geno's, and the kicker -- a sandwich made by his mom. PBR says she filled a bun of Tastykake krimpets with Peanut Chews. Tom doesn't find the construction appetizing. PBR tells Tom not to judge Mirna Ziegler because she's a saint. PBR thinks Tom is laughing at her first name, but Tom says he's just uncomfortable. PBR asks him if his shorts are in a bunch and starts cackling with an "Ow!" button on the end. Tom didn't mind the flourish, and PBR says the button might re-appear if call screener Doogle says something funny. Tom says it's Mike. PBR thinks Mike is very forgettable. Mike says nobody outside of certain Best Show callers has any trouble with the name. PBR thinks it seems like they would.
Tom reads the legal station ID (PBR incorrectly states the website as wfmu.net) and announces that there are two more hours to go. PBR is confident that he can fill the time. He wants Tom to get out of his seat so he can just drive the bus. Tom is reluctant to make the switch, but PBR insists that people want to hear him talk about nem issues. Tom says they can hear him equally well from his current position. PBR observes that Tom appears to be using a superior microphone, something he knows from watching American Hot Wax, 1978 bio-pic about Alan Freed from Candid Camera. Tom informs PBR that Allen Funt is the host of the prank program. PBR is confused and wants to start talking about important local issues like the sinkhole.
He proposes solving the problem with 49,000 footlong cheesesteaks with the works from Wawa. PBR says the sandwiches will be shellacked just like the "steakchuks" used during the annual Running of Nem Cheesesteaks through the streets of Yardley. The main difference is the sinkhole initiative will not involve any buggies or "little people." PBR hopes the "little munchkins" don't take any offense to not being a part of it. Tom doesn't think that's an appropriate term, so PBR opts for "little midgets," which is actually worse. He keeps trying with "little teeny people," so Tom decides to ride out the name-calling like a surfboard. While Tom has no actual surfing experience, PBR enjoys the 2 1/2-foot waves at Ship Bottom. PBR says he will fill the hole with the cheesesteaks, pave it over with a lot of concrete and macadam, and seal the deal by getting a rock band to play atop the new surface. PBR gives Tom one guess, and it's all he needs to come up with The Hooters. PBR says it's like Tom is inside his mind. Tom thinks his accuracy is the result of having many previous conversations about PBR's love for the band. Tom draws on his past experience to also correctly guess that they will perform "And We Danced."
PBR is impressed with Tom's psychic powers and asks him to be his running mate. Tom is not interested in filling the slot, and PBR thinks it's because he knows he'll never ever ever get nem 37 signatures. He wants Tom to consult call screener Gator before making his final decision. Tom reminds him that it's Mike. PBR thought Mike was actually Gator from White Lightning because he looks just like him except for the absence of a mustache and toupee. Tom makes it clear that PBR is thinking of a fictional character played by Burt Reynolds in the 1970s.
PBR declares the 1970s to be the greatest decade ever, although he hated nem Miami Dolphins teams aside from Mercury Morris ("good chap"). He was, of course, loyal to the Iggles, especially the potent tandem of Ron "Jaws" Jaworski and go-to receiver Harold Carmichael. PBR says he also loved Roman Gabriel, though not in that kinda way. Tom shocks PBR by revealing that he wasn't a big NFL fan during that era. He never got into the USFL, either, but he was weirdly intrigued by the XFL, a short-lived "professional" league started by wrestling promoter Vince McMahon in 2001. PBR wants Tom to guess whom he loved in the XFL. Tom tries the NY/NJ Hitmen, but PBR is thinking of a specific player. Tom nails it with Rod Smart, a running back famous for having "He Hate Me" on the back of his jersey. PBR says Smart really did hate him because he threw a stick of butter at him during a game. He can't explain why he did it other than it being really funny. (Smart got off easy considering the Ziegler clan's track record of pelting athletes and rock musicians with large batteries.) PBR laments that Philadelphia never landed an XFL franchise, which could have been called the Philly Fever. Tom thinks that is a fairly tame team name by the league's aggressive standards. PBR changes the name to the Philly Murderers, and Tom thinks he went completely too far the other way. PBR counters by telling Tom that he "ain't going the other way is where you ain't going not." Tom is very confused by the statement.
PBR changes the subject to the new The Rolling Stones documentary, Shine A Light. Tom hasn't seen it, and PBR loved it except for one thing: it was filmed at the Beacon Theater in New York City. He thinks Scorsese should have filmed the band performing at the Tower Theater because that's where he first bombed out during a Blue Oyster Cult show on the Tyranny and Mutation tour. Tom tries to ask him about that BOC period, but PBR abruptly falls asleep. He wakes up and mentions that he received some free lip balm samples at the German-run Das Seiben Under Elf convenience store. PBR starts snoring again, and Tom knows he's under the relaxing spell of Blue. He manages to rouse PBR, who promises to totally wake up in a second. PBR appears to snort a line of cocaine and asks Tom to quickly cue up "Escalator of Loife" so he can sing along to the entire song. Tom doesn't have the record, so PBR sings it for him a cappella. Tom thinks the lyrics are very powerful, and PBR mentions that Hazard also wrote the hit single "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" for Cyndi Lauker. He's disgusted to find out that Lauker is a New York native.
Tom runs down the names of the XFL teams: the Birmingham Thunderbolts, the Chicago Enforcers, the NY/NJ Hitmen, and the Orlando Rage in the Eastern Division; the Las Vegas Outlaws (ft. "He Hate Me"), the Los Angeles Xtreme, the Memphis Maniax, and the San Francisco Demons in the Western Division. PBR claims that extremely low attendance led the L.A. Xtreme to shift their home games from the L.A. Coliseum to the Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset Strip, then down to Raji's, and finally ending up at Al's Bar. Tom finds it hard to believe that football games were played at small music venues. PBR thinks they were, and he's not surprised that the Xtreme won the XFL championship because they were a strong team. He recalls that one of nem XFL guys went to the NFL. Tom says it was "He Hate Me," but PBR thought it was some quarter-back. He asks Tom what he thinks "He Hate Me" is doing right now besides lines. Tom doesn't think PBR should be accusing him of illegal drug use. PBR argues that since he's doing lines, everyone is probably doing lines. He bets that if Tom opens up the phone lines he will discover that a lot of his listeners are doing cocaine. Tom agrees to test his theory, but he wants to play a record before starting the game. PBR hopes its not anything by Redd Kross, Big Dipper, or Neil Die-a-mond. Since the lines are lit up, Tom decides to take some cocaine calls. The first person to five "wins."
The first caller is staying off the slopes tonight, but the second one gets a "That's my man!" from PBR for dancing with the White Lady. Casey from Astoria checks in to see what's up. Tom says he's doing a radio show and trying to stay on a very specific cocaine-based topic. Last week Casey emerged as a possible ROY contender, but now it's all ova. PBR wants to know what story he was from. Tom says he's from a town called Astoria.
Laurie from Miami blasts in at max volume. PBR thinks she sounds loud, sexy, and wants to know her whole story. He asks Tom if WFMU is Internet accessible because he hopes there is a chance that Laurie will send him a .jpg. Laurie says she could arrange to send an image file, and PBR gets very excited by the prospects of seeing her. Tom actively discourages the transmission and wonders why Laurie is courting PBR's advances. Laurie can't explain it. She says that she mainly wanted to wish WFMU a Happy Birthday in advance of their official 50th anniversary this Thursday. PBR doubts there was radio back then. Laurie laughs at his confusion about the medium's history. PBR loves the laugh, although he's a little turned off when Laurie says she's not doing lines. A caller tries to tie the score by claiming he's doing a lot of lines, but even PBR knows his ghoul-like lethargy is a telltale sign of cocaine fakery. He says that if the caller was really doing lines he would be frantically barking out requests for Robert Hazard tunes. PBR believes the caller is on downers. The next caller says he's not doing lines, but PBR detects the rapid speech of the marching powder. The bottom line: do not attempt to pull one over on Roy Ziegler when it comes to being under the influence of drugs.
PBR changes the subject to the reformation of legendary prog-rockers Yeh. Tom wants to know the current lineup of the band. PBR ignores the question to focus on the band's love affair with Philadelphia. He wants Tom to Google Geoff Downes, who played keyboards for the band in the lesser-known era around the time of 1980's Drama. While Tom was not familiar with the band's affinity for Philadelphia, he does know that Trevor Horn was their lead vocalist at this time. PBR is startled to discover that he's talking to a Yes scholar, and he's willing to sit back and let Tom school him. Tom finds it bizarre that he's either pompous for knowing something about something or an idiot if he doesn't know something about something. He can't win.
(l. to r.) John Wetton, Gator, and Geoff Downes
PBR asks Tom if he sees the picture of Downes playing keyboards while wearing a Phillies uniform. Tom doesn't see that one in his Google search results. PBR claims that Downes and the rest of the band love the Phillies. He also points out that Yes recorded a live DVD in 1977 (1979, you Philadummy!) at The Spectrum, where they performed "in the round" on a rotating stage in the center of the venue. PBR attended the concert, and he wants Tom to guess why he don't remember none of it. Tom thinks it has something to do with mushrooms. PBR strongly objects to the suggestion. Tom spots a picture of Downes wearing the jersey of a Japanese sports team, and PBR is appalled that he turned his back on Philly sports. He vows to get revenge on the traitor by smashing all of the Yes albums in the WFMU CD Record libary, including Yessongs, Close to the Edge, Drama, Tormato, Going for the One, Tales from Topolgraphlic Oceans, Fragile, The Yes Album, and 90210. Tom thinks it was 90212. PBR bets Tom $1 million that he's wrong.
He can cover the large amount because Roy, Jr. gave him a $1 million bill yesterday. Tom recommends holding off on spending it because it is likely counterfeit tender, but PBR already bought $1 worth of Peanut Chews at Wawa. The store gave him his change in the form of a check. Tom asks him if the check is as legitimate as the original bill. PBR breaks it out and acknowledges that it looks like it's on notebook paper. Tom says that the Yes album that PBR intends to smash is 90125. PBR insists that it's 90210 because the digits represent all of the band members' astronomical signs. Tom is pretty sure that the correct title is the Atco label's catalog number for the release. PBR doesn't think there is any way in heck he could be wrong. He says he'd love to have someone call to dispute Tom's research.
Nick from Norwalk doesn't have a take on the Yes album, but he did want to say that he's not doing lines. He hopes to counteract all the listeners from Brooklyn because he wants Tom to win. Fred from Queens, man, calls for the first time since he urged Tom to seek immediate medical attention the night of his tummy ache. He's not doing cocaine, but he is doing lines of anything he can find around the house to make him feel "different." PBR says he's done dirt lines as part of a similar residential scavenger hunt. Fred explains that the dirt lines are usually the last stop on the journey after raiding the medicine cabinet, the refrigerator, and snorting some kitchen surface cleaner. Fred's laundry list of eccentric narcotics leave Tom speechless. He GOMPs Fred after entertaining him for far too long. Tom never thought he'd say it: "I'm sorry, Roy." PBR takes the Fred detour in stride and asks Tom what he wants to talk about. Tom wants to talk about the hott new Cheap Time record.
After The Dirtbombs completed the In The Red "Two for Tuesday" interlude, Tom welcomes everyone back to the exciting PBR studio session. PBR agrees that his presence is exciting for Tom and his listeners, who are getting a sneak peak at the next mayor of Newbridge. He's very confident that he will take down call screener Shemp and all the other candidates in July. Shemp informs Tom that another guest is at the door. It's famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins, who saw the light on in the studio window and decided to drop in for a visit. Tom is shocked to see him, and PFT is equally surprised to run into PBR. When PFT was in the studio last year he and PBR had a somewhat contentious telephonic exchange about their days in Philadelphia. PBR admitted that he recently burned down the Ritz 5 theater in a match fight gone awry, thwarting PFT's plans for a Christmas day screening of Rocky Balboa with his ladyfriend. PFT, who introduced the popular local sport to Weird-O-Wood, then dredged up PBR's lackluster matchfighting skills -- his only victory over PFT was aided by the illegal use of a long fireplace match. At the time PBR hoped that PFT could land him an acting gig on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
PBR is not thrilled to see PFT because he feels that he turned his back on his hometown by taking his act to Lipstick City. PFT explains that it was a wise career move, but PBR thinks the Philadelphia comedy clubs (e.g., Funny Bones and The
Laugh Comedy Works) were perfectly good venues to showcase his skills. PFT points out that they closed. PBR still hangs out at The Comedy Works location, which has been converted into a shooting gallery. He laments that PFT is too good for his hometown now that he's on television and in the movies. PFT is in NYC this week for a stint hosting VH-1's new three-minute Best Day Ever recaps, so PBR wonders if there is any chance PFT could introduce him to Kim Kardashian, a familiar target of the Best-series panelists. Tom thinks PBR may be a little too high-class for her. PBR appreciates that Tom thinks he can do better.
He tells PFT that he recently saw him in a hit movie that was nominated for nem Oscars. PFT says he was proud to land a small role in a high-profile film. PBR immediately recognized PFT as that guy he hates when he saw There Was Some Oil. PFT initially assumes that PBR was referring to the frequent appearance of said substance in the film, but he was actually stating its title. PFT doesn't understand how PBR missed the There Will Be Blood text on the screen. PBR says he missed the opening sequence because he was doing bong hits in the projection booth. PFT didn't think patrons were allowed to enter that room. Tom wonders if he knew the guy who worked there. PBR says he gained admittance by making love to the female projectionist. PBR wants PFT to discuss the filming of the intense final showdown between Daniel Plainview and Eli Sunday in the bowling alley. PFT says he wasn't on the set that day. PBR thought that every actor in a movie is there for the entire shoot. He asks PFT if he ever got his nose caught in the clapper, the device used to mark scenes and takes during production. PFT says that doesn't happen nearly as often as it did back in the silent film era. Tom mentions that these nasal snafus also occurred in the marginal doodles of Sergio Aragones in Mad magazine. PBR is not familiar with her work. He thinks it might be similar to Al Jaffee's "Spy vs. Spy" strip or "What, me worry?" PFT points out that the latter was the motto of the magazine's fictional mascot, Alfred E. Neuman.
Tom wants to know why nobody has ever greenlighted The Lighter Side, a movie adaptation of cartoonist Dave Berg's hypochondriac alter-ego, Roger Kuputnik. PFT says he's been asking been asking Hollywood that same question for years. He was always amused that a magazine ostensibly geared towards children would run a feature built around adult problems like insurance and medical bills. Tom thinks that if Mad kept going on its past trajectory, "The Lighter Side" would now examine the debate over stem cell research. PFT says he would be interested to hear about the lighter side of that polarizing issue. Tom asks PBR if stem cell research plays any role in his Mayubernatorial platform. PBR goes on the record against going in and getting stems from people's backs. PFT and Tom figure out that PBR is referring to the spine, and PBR wants to know why they are called stem cells if people don't have stems. He also wonders if stem cells should be sold. The query unmasks Tom's ignorance on the subject. Mike identifies the stems as part of the cells. If call screener Nikolai really knew what he was talking about he would have mentioned that stem cellular structures are capable of retaining the ability to reinvigorate themselves through mitotic cell division and can differentiate into a diverse range of specialized cell types. He might have also pointed out that stem cells must be either totipotent or pluripotent to give rise to any mature cell type. Some people might refer to multipotent or unipotent progentior cells as "stem cells," but these people should be severely mocked as total embryonadummies. Tom says he's never claimed to be smart. PBR says Tom's a very smart ... ass.
Tom senses some residual PBR/PFT tension caused by their geographical divide. PBR points out that some loyal residents stayed to fly the Philly flag while others just flew away. PFT doesn't think his departure to Los Angeles gives PBR the right to be rude to him. PBR asks PFT if he's ever run into Tom Hanks or Jackie Earle Haley when he's walking down Hollywood Boulevyard. PFT says he does see famous people from time to time, and, contrary to PBR's assumption, they don't all know him. At this point Tom is concerned about PFT because a Philadelphia accent appears to be creeping into his speech. PFT assures him that he's foine. Tom asks him to repeat his condition because he did not use the standard pronunciation of "fine." PFT thinks Tom might want to get his ears checked. PBR wonders if PFT uses a secret handshake when he encounters Hanks, Haley, Dawn Wells from Gilligan's Island, or Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. PFT avoids any exclusive hand gestures, but he will politely approach a star and say, "How are youse doin', I'm on TV, too. It's nice to meet youse." Tom is now convinced that PFT is talking differently. PBR interprets PFT's altered speech as the English of normal people. PFT wonders if it's the result of being in such close prox ... im ... iny to PBR for the first time in many years. Tom is very unsettled by the apparent Phillification of PFT.
PBR fondly recalls scaring PFT by dunking him in the pool when they were younger. PFT remembers getting all that wutter in his ears. Tom alerts him to his regional pronunciation of "water," and PFT starts getting freaked out. PBR thinks it sounds pretty cool to hear "Hollywood" sound totally normal for a change. PFT asks the host to help him find a way out. PBR asks the host to play something from Bill Conti. PFT begs Tom not to honor the request because the transformation is almost complete. PBR begins singing the anthemic "Gonna Fly Now" to finally push PFT over the edge. The now indistinguishable Philly phanatics start riffing about how they loved everything about Rocky Balboa. PBR says one patichular thing he really loved was that Sly and the young lady didn't knock boots when they had the opportunity to knock boots. He thought that was a very tasteful dramatic decision that could only occur in Philadelphia. PFT agrees that it was a classy move. However, PBR admits that he would have knocked her boots. Tom cues up the Conti, which is met with immediate PBR/PFT accompaniment -- a mixture of "Knockin' Boots"-based lyrics and commentary about how the music takes them back to their glory days in Philly. PBR recommends that PFT picture himself running through the Italian Market and picking up a sausage. PFT says he was already decked out in his vintage gray sweatsuit and Chuck Taylors as he retraced Rocky's route through the city. PBR points out that those are the worst possible running shoes. PFT says that if he can run in them he'll having no problem keeping up with Apollo Creed in a 15-round title bout. PBR asks PFT if he knows what he hates about Creed. PFT thinks he knows. Tom doesn't like the obvious implications of that exchange.
PFT, who is now running alongside throngs of children, wants someone to splash some Frank's Sun-Up in his face so he can snap out of his Philly trance. PBR says he only liked some of the kids that joined Rocky's (and now PFT's) dash through the city. PFT knows why he didn't like the others. He feels like he's on fire (perhaps the result of passing flame-spewing garbage cans surrounded by doo-wop groups), and he's compelled to burn the studio down like the fire that burned down Brigantine Castle in New Jersey. PFT thinks it's the best thing that ever happened to the state. PBR agrees. He says his favorite part about the famous Philadelphia Museum of Art scene is that Rocky ascends the steps, but he don't never go in. PFT supports the decision because he can't imagine anyone wanting to look at paintings. PBR corrects him: pictures. PFT reaches the breaking point and tells the host he has to leave. Tom gladly dismisses him to try to save himself from further damage. PBR finishes off the song while doing his
3,000th third pushup. His shirt ripped and now he has to go to the bathroom because he may have pulled something. Tom hopes the bathroom break will give PFT a chance to regain his psyche with PBR in less proximiny. PBR estimates a fairly lengthy stay in the bathroom, and he doesn't like that Tom is judging him for it. Tom wasn't really issuing much judgment, but he apologizes anyway. PBR says that no apology could be too great, echoing a common refrain of his new friend, Mr. Brimstead.
A dazed PFT returns to the studio and apologizes to Tom and the listeners for his unpleasant behavior. Tom hopes that PFT doesn't get Philly-ized again upon PBR's return. PFT moved to L.A. on the day Kurt Cobain died back in April 1994, so it's been awhile since he's been possessed by the Philly spirit. Tom didn't even know the Nirvana frontman was sick. PFT starts looking for a slide whistle. He's also having some trouble hearing his voice in his cans. Tom gets PFT to adjust the knob, but he can't really explain the technical aspects of radio beyond his trusty Audioarts Engineering R-60 analog radio console. If that stopped working, he would have to end the show and go home. Tom thinks the R-60 has been at WFMU since its inception half a century ago, but PFT thinks it looks remarkably clean and well-preserved. Tom agrees that it's bright white exterior may indicate a more recent vintage.
- Gregg from New York calls to thank Tom for picking his Super Hero Harvey comic as one of the winners in The Best Show Art & Video contest. The entry was based on a Tom/PFT conversation about cursing Harvey Pekar with superpowers as payback for his increasingly dull issues of American Splendor revolving around buying oatmeal cookies and his insomnia. Tom was hoping to infuriate Pekar enough to get him to drive from Cleveland on a Sunday night and meet him for an on-air fight on Tuesday night in Jersey City.
Tom asks Greg if he dumped his work into his computer to assist with the layout. Gregg says he drew it all by hand and then scanned the board for the contest. PFT wants to be sure that he didn't somehow trace any elements of the piece. Gregg admits to using a ruler for the panel borders. Tom and PFT appreciate his candor. After listening to his triumph on last week's podcast Greg was very excited to hear PFT when he tuned in tonight. He did a small jig, splashed some cold water on his face, and called to chat with his artistic inspirations. PFT notes that his abbreviated dance is called a "jiglet." Tom thinks Gregg is a top-notch artist, and he wants to continue the discussion of his considerable talent via e-mail. Gregg thinks Tom and PFT are also top talents. He wishes them both a good night and week. Tom asks Gregg is he's ever called before. Gregg says it's his first time. He warns Tom that he will do another jig(let) if he says it. Tom just asks him to keep calling. PFT says he got a bit tense during that last exchange because he feared that Tom would tell Greg to never call again. Tom assures PFT that he'd never reject someone who got his rare top-notch rating.
PFT wonders how long the notch system has been used to indicate levels of quality. Tom traces the primitive markings back to the cavemen, assuming they understood the concept of ranking things and could interpret a higher notch as being superior to lower notches. PFT imagines a caveman pointing to the top notch and then himself to make sure everyone understood that he was the best. He's pretty sure that everyone knew the top was the best even back then. Tom thinks they may have learned about that in 1960 when the monolith showed up. PFT vaguely remembers hearing about how this event transformed tribal apes into humans. Tom recalls that the monolith made a buzzing sound upon arrival. PFT doesn't know about that, but he does know that everybody got crazy about it and threw bones in the air. Tom mentions that after the fit of excitement everybody jumped right into outer space in the year 2001. PFT recites a line from JFK's famous speech where he used the monolith to kickstart his goal of manned moon-landing missions in spacecrafts modeled after the aerodynamic bones.
Tom finds it hard to believe that nobody is calling to join the evolutionary discussion. PFT suspects that everyone is busy watching the returns from the hotly-contested Pennsylvania primary. Call screener Monty reports that Hillary is ahead in the early results. Tom heads right to NewsMax, his only source for news, for more details. PFT isn't familiar with the media arm of the John Birch Society. Tom is a big fan of their very balanced reportage. PFT notes the generic name that indicates the website contains the maximum amount of news available anywhere. Tom suggests a tagline in which NewsMax promotes themselves as a one-stop shop for news not unlike OfficeMax for office supplies. PFT offers NewsDepot, NewsStaples, or Newsles as alternative names to connote a big box format. Tom would definitely visit a website called Newsles to get all the latest news. Tidbit: for a few months in 1992 I served as third in command to Paul Pierce and this guy in a vicious street gang called the "Newsies" before spraining my groin during an ill-advised leg kick/pirouette move. I was told to stick to jiglets and demoted to copy editor.
- Chris L from Maryland checks in, and he's impressed that PFT remembers posing for a picture with him and Dorvid, which was one of the highlights of his year. PFT seems disappointed that it wasn't the highlight of his year. CL says a photo with one of the cast members of Home Box Office's The Wire would have definitely been the highlight of his year. He's pretty sure that Snoop would have gladly hung out with him. PFT asks CL for his take on the final season of the program, and Chris L says he had the same problems that plagued a lot of viewers. Tom takes some delight in this because he and call screener Ziggy had launched a months-long campaign to cool down the outbreak of The Wire fever. PFT gives Tom a gift by admitting that he, too, had some problems with the final run. He wouldn't admit it while it was airing because Tom was being so mean about it. Tom argues that he was just helping the diehard fans keeps things in proper perspective as their beloved series drew to a close. Tom asks Chris L if he's excited about the film adaptation of The Wire, starring Emilio Estevez as Det. James McNulty. When Chris L heard that Estevez was writing/directing Bobby, he knew it was only a short leap from that to other high-profile projects. PFT wonders if there will also be roles for Renee Estevez (Rhonda Pearlman?) or Joe Estevez (Rawls?). Tom says he hasn't heard anything about additional Estevezes, but he does reveal that Ashton Kootcher will play the smack-addled police informant named Bobbles. PFT can see that.
CL says he mainly called to petition Tom to play the Meat Loaf AT&T GoPhone commercial live on the air so listeners can hear his reactions. It was not clear if CL secured the 37 signatures required to make video requests on The Best Show. PFT likes this idea, and he doesn't think Tom will ever guess which Meat Loaf song was reworked for the spot. Tom thinks he might have an idea. PFT thinks he knows what song Tom thinks it will be, but Tom's prediction will be wrong. CL mentions that Meat Loaf is seemingly mismatched with a surprise guest star, who would have gone unnoticed if not for the camera zooms that indicate she's a significant figure. PFT warns Tom that the spot contains two curses, but CL points out that the profanity is only in the "Red Band" version. Tom says that he's already turned off by the frozen Meat Loaf moment on the YouTube screen. He initially feared it might be a still from Black Dog. CL mentions seeing Meat Loaf in shadowy, dramatic repose on a poster for an upcoming Meat Loaf documentary at his local Landmark arthouse. Tom suspects that Meat Loaf drew it himself. PFT is skeptical about the need for the film because he can't imagine any event in Meat Loaf's entire life that couldn't be satisfactorily explained to someone in 10 minutes. Tom mentions that he already saw his life dramatized in the VH-1 movie, Meat Loaf: Tohellenback, starring Dan Dority in the title role. He thought it was pretty good, but that's not really true. Tom concludes that Meat Loaf's story is not nearly as interesting as Meat Loaf thinks it is.
Tom fires up the commercial, but he caps out after just seven seconds. He reached his limit just as Meat Loaf informs his son that he will have to sleep on his request for a GoPhone featuring unlimited talk and text. PBR
creeped crept back into the studio and startles Tom and PFT when he pipes up with his approval of the clip. Tom gives it another try and immediately initiates a boycott of the GoPhone. He doesn't give any specifics, but he suggests that something unpleasant will happen to anyone he catches using the banned device. PBR gets PFT to sing the altered "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" with him, and they segue into "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. PFT sings the opening line of the chorus ("It's just a jump to the left"), but PBR cannot recall the next dance move because he was always so baked by the fourth song of the movie. He assumes it involves jumping to the right. PBR says he saw the film eight times, mostly at the Plymouth Meeting Mall theater. PFT is a fan of this vast shopping wonderland.
PBR says he also saw Class of 1984, which Tom correctly identifies as one of the best films ever made, at the same theater. PFT remembers that one of the wild kids gets dropped off the rooftop at the end. Tom says it was the character played by Vince Van Patten. PBR thinks it was Derrick Van Patten, and he wants Tom to IMDb it. PFT isn't sure that Derrick is a valid Van Patten, but PBR assures him that he was on Eight is Too Much. PBR now remembers that Dick Van Patten played the preppy kid who got all punked out in Class of 1984. He points out that this scenario played out just like it did in the punk episode (available on all of the YouTubes) of Quincy, M.E., featuring a fictional band called Mayhem corrupting local youths with their music of hate. PBR was such a fan of the episode that he got the line, "Girl, we gotta get you punked up," tattooed on his back. He says that he has since removed all of the text except "Girl." PFT thought he saw a lot of Quincy, but he can't recall this installment. PBR wonders what PFT was doing in 1983 to have missed it. He knows that he spent his non-television time that year in the Kensington District whipping firecrackers at kids en route to Dead Kennedys shows. The mention of this Philly pastime makes PFT long for his days roaming around the intersection of Kensington & Allegheny Avenues and Fishtown. PBR admits to starting the Fishtown Riots because they was coming into their neighborhoods. Tom's not exactly sure what he's talking about, but he assumes it's offensive and closes the matter.
Tom finds that IMDB back up PBR's claim: Dick Van Patten did indeed play thug leader Peter Stegman in Class of 1984. PFT is confused about how the balding, 56-year-old Van Patten was able to convincingly portray a high school student. Tom thought it was achieved with makeup effects, but PBR says Van Patten took an early variant of Kern's reverse-aging drug Youngoproxin to become a teenager. The actor then used Oldzonareveren to successfully get back to his actual age. Tom mentions the complications that Brendan Fraser had while using the same pharmaceutical tandem for his role as the Secretary of State in President Baseball. Fraser used Oldzonareveren to put on 30 years in two weeks, but the Youngoproxin treatment left him about a decade short of a complete return trip. PFT says it was sad to hear about that, but it was worth it because it was a great movie. Tom still hasn't seen it despite rave reviews from several Best Show callers in the past couple of years. PBR recounts his favorite scene: Fraser gravely approaches the mound to talk to the President, and everyone thinks he will recommend leaving the game to deal with the Chinese guy who has his little finger on the button. PBR asks PFT to join him in reciting the last four words of a line that many thought would earn Fraser an Oscar nomination: "Strike. this. guy. out." PFT says he just got chills and plans to watch the film again when he gets back to L.A.
PBR is ready to take some calls, and Tom thinks it's time to put a topic on the table. PBR tells PFT that he don't like his voice without the Philadelphia accent. PFT says that he stuck a needle into his skin to help him avoid another Philly phlare-up. PBR thinks this sounds like atchupunture, but PFT says he stuck the needle all the way in so he can press on it to use the pain to stave off an oncoming transformation. PBR now realizes that it's the same principle as Lee Press-on Nails. While Tom reviews some topic ideas in his notebook, he has to censor PBR for explicitly expressing his desire to make love to a member of the Scooby-Doo gang. PBR says New Jersey radio has so many rules, but on Philly stations like WIPay he can say whatever he wants to Howard Eskin, his sports guru. He lets Tom get back to choosing a topic because he feels like he's monoplotizing his show.
Yes, Tom was looking for concert tickets online, so PBR wants to know if the band will be performing "in the round." He says that Rick Wakeman's son,
Troy Oliver, is playing keyboards on the 40th anniversary tour because Rick don't wanna do it no more. PBR and PFT celebrate the passing of the keys by singing a bit of the beautiful "Roundabout." Tom was actually checking on prices for tickets to see Kanye West at MSG, and he had to enter a security code consisting of two of nem wavy-lettered words: glass and fudge tokenism. He wonders who is combining a racially-charged word with something as innocuous as "glass." PBR suggests that the person might have thought "tokenism" was equally innocluous. The experience led to tonight's topic: That's Not Right. PFT manages to read Tom's mind and clarifies his proposal. He informs listeners that Tom is asking them to call to discuss an incident where they encountered something they thought was "not right."
PBR wants to start things off, but Tom prefers to build up to what will likely be a sordid tale. He takes a call from a guy who really wanted all nine of his ducklings to hatch, but the mother duck kept throwing them out. He was down to two eggs, and then the mom tossed another one. Tom wonders if he's listening to a To Catch A Predator SAT question. He gets rid of the creep. PFT says he's not sure if the caller's accent was charmingly fake or fakely charming. PBR tells Tom he should have let him start, and Tom can't argue with that. He gives PBR the go-ahead to get things back on track.
Wait. What?: PBR disputes Tom's claim that CE is not a very good album. He quickly retracts that position.
Why: Since PBR couldn't afford no pricey, official concert t-shirts from the vendors inside the buildin, he opted for the guys out front with duffel bags full of $5 t-shirts. PBR picked a black jersey t-shirt with white sleeves, and the seller fled the scene immediately after the transaction was complete. PBR examined his purchase and realized that it was apparel from the Mirrors tour. He got burnt on old merch.
The Bottom Line: That Ain't Right
Tom is impressed that PBR's story is dead-on for the topic. PBR says it all karmically balanced out when he snuck into the show and stole Eric Bloom's wallet after getting backstage by pretending to be a Miller Loite rep. He beat up the actual rep and took his jacket. Tom thinks the ruse and theft is a terrible act. PBR thinks it's a great memory to recount on the radio. He's previously mentioned many incidents involving BOC, and Bloom appears to be his favorite target. PBR had to hide in the Spectrum bathroom after stealing his guitar at a 1982 show. At another show he tripped over the band's monitors four times after his buds hoisted him onto the stage. PBR proceeded to moon the audience (something he did at every BOC show from 1981-1986) and concluded that while Bloom's face suggested rage, the guitarist was secretly excited by his impromptu performance. Tom apologizes for his earlier dismissal of Cultösaurus Erectus because he was actually thinking of really bad Club Ninja. PBR thinks it has great tracks like "Dancin' in the Ruins," which might be on his iPod. Tom is shocked that he owns the device. He's less surprised to find out that PBR stole it from the pocket of his SEPTA bus driver.
- Julie from Cincinnati tells PBR that he's wonderful, and he's aroused by her wonderful voice. He also mistakenly greeted her as "Julia." Julie says that she would be interested in meeting PBR if she wasn't so morbidly obese and pimply. Due to her physical condition, she wants him to just enjoy her sound. PBR says pimples are actually kind of a turn-on, and he asks Julie if she's wearing Chuck Taylors without socks, which is his second big turn-on. Julie says she's wearing a flannel shirt, barefoot, and hasn't bathed in five days. PFT thinks the attire is suitable for employment at Zipperhead, an alternative clothing store frequented by Joe Jack Talcum. Julie doesn't care for the Philly quip because she's so over PFT. Tom thought the bathing hiatus was Julie's That's Not Right entry, but she opts for one of her other million possible TNRs. Yesterday, Julie ordered a scotch and soda, but they used Sprite instead of the traditional club soda and then denied it. PBR thinks the mixologist is a loyer. PFT wonders if the drink mishap occurred in war-torn Darfur. PBR asks Julie if it happened at Sudsy Malone's or Bogart's. The music venue references remind Julie that The Clash were at her local record store two weeks ago. PFT is understandably surprised since the band is defunct and Joe Strummer is dead. Julie says it was actually only two of them. PBR correctly identifies them as Mick Jones and Tony James, who was never a member of The Clash except for that one-off with Brett Haskins back in 2002. He thinks they are in a band called Silicon/Carbone. Julie didn't go because they were just signing autographs instead of singing and dancing. Tom's heard enough.
- Mike calls from foncy Manhattan, and PBR asks him if he knows bitchy hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Mike doesn't know her personally. PFT is pretty sure that she passed on. PBR mentions that Helmsley was murdered because he thinks it's technically correct to refer to any death as a "murder." Tom says that while a murder would qualify as passing on, the reverse is not necessarily true. PBR wants Tom to IMDb his claim under the listing for Clue. He asks Tom and PFT to guess one of the people in that film. They swing and miss with the following sextet:
- Michael McKean (better)
- Christopher Lloyd (better)
- Robert Hazard (not quite as good)
- Daryl Hall (close)
- John Oates (not close)
- Teddy Pendergrass (wrong sex)
PBR also points out that the actress in question is mobile. He apologizes for the worst thing he's ever said. PFT makes a final attempt with an Angie trio: Donna Pescow (close), Debralee Scott (not as close), and Doris Roberts (doesn't know who that is). PBR reveals that it's former Go-Go's guitarist Jane Wiedlin. Tom recalls that she played a bellboy. PBR reminds Tom that a bellboy is a boy, while Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady. Tom clarifies that while the profession is associated with males, she was wearing a bellboy outfit in her scene. PBR admits that he didn't see the film. He asks Tom not to judge him because he judges Tom. PBR tells Manhattan Rick to continue with his topic entry. Rick says that it only took him a couple of minutes to decide that Lil' Bush is an animated satire That's Not Right. Tom thinks the program is very timely because it's crucial that someone finally stands up to President Bush as his term nears its expiration date. Rick says he couldn't even repeat the "jokes" to someone because it would likely bring him bad luck. Tom mentions that the show is so unfunny that the laff track machine crashes before it breaks the silence. Rick says the episode contained one joke that was seemingly lifted from Truly Tasteless Jokes Two. PFT thought that was a good volume before they went off the rails with the third compendium.
- Casey from Astoria steps back up to the plate to see if he's got any more pop left in his bat. Tom informs him that he will be heavily scrutinizing this at-bat. Casey's in Scottsdale for a few days, and he found a "Taste of Philly"-themed restaurant offering lots of Philly phare (try the TastyKake Butterstotch Krimpets and Peanut Chews "salad"!) and one piece of decor That's Not Right. In addition to the authentic menu, Casey spotted a bumper sticker in the window with Geno's Steak's controversial "This Is America: When Ordering 'Speak English'" directive to foreign-born customers. PBR says he doesn't have a problem with that policy. Casey correctly points out that PBR broke with Geno's on that issue, but now he's back because he's been getting free food. PBR admits to blackmailing Geno after seeing him do something in the back room. PFT refers to this relationship mending as a rapprochement, but PBR has no idea what that means. Tom classifies the Geno's location as a shed/lean-to, but PBR says it's a proper establishment with outside tables. The interior features pictures of various stars, including Frank Stallone, Donna Pescow, and Frank Stallone. PFT adds broadcasting legend Larry Ferrari to the Wall of Fame. Casey says he's in Arizona for a brief vacation, and Tom thinks he chose a great destination. PFT wonders if it's humid there, and Casey is surprised to report that it's just a dry heat. Tom had no idea that this climate was typical of the region. Casey says he had never seen this mentioned on a t-shirt. Tom gets rid of him. PBR thinks Casey is a creep.
- Farmer Eli from Central Jersey asks how the gang is doing, and PBR says he's doing "deece," which is the shorthand for "decent" if you don't want to expend all the energy required to say the full word. Tom points out that he expended even more energy explaining it. The retort prompts PBR to make his first threat of the night in the form of a smashing. He warns Tom that his belt, which has the world's largest Eagles helmet buckle, is finally coming off after nearly 90 minutes of relative civility. Tom says he can see the massive buckle sticking up from over the console. PBR says that's not his buckle, and Tom doesn't press him for any additional details on the object in question.
Eli says his entry relates to what PFT calls The Holy Trinity: The Best Show, Wawa, and hoagies. In a nutshell, Wawa is now offering toasted hoagies, and Eli believes That's Not Right. PBR thinks it's disgustin' and wants them to only offer normal hoagies as God created them. PBR has no intentions of trying them, but PFT says he's willing to at least take a bite of one. PBR can't believe he would taste a toasted hoagie. Tom understands PFT's curious palette because he still wants to take one bit of Domino's Pizza's Oreo dessert pie. He knows it's terrible, but he just wants to experience the sensation of it in his mouth. PBR is very intrigued by the thin crust topped with Oreo crumbles and vanilla icing. Tom asks call screener Runyon to have four of them delivered to the station. PBR tells "Elian" that he sides with him on the toasted hoagie debate. Eli repeats his actual first name, and PBR links it to Eli Whitley, the inventor of gin, a wudder-like drink that makes you feel better.
- Tim in Ellensburg, WA, gets a rise out of PBR because he's calling from the home of the Screaming Trees, the band led by the Conner brothers, Van and Jessup. Tom believes the second brother is Gary Conner, not Jessup. PBR wants Tom to IMDb it. PFT asks PBR if he knows what IMDb provides, and Tom clarifies it's just a resource for movie information. PBR says he thought it was an all-purpose search engine just like Googles. He also recalls seeing them in the Seattle music scene documentary, Hype!. Tom knows the brothers also appeared in that comedy. PBR suspects that Tom is referring to There's Something About Mary. Tom says they played Siamese twins, and PBR now thinks it's The Spirit of '76. He believes Tom is confusing the Conners with Jeff McDonalds, the killer from Fatal Vision.
PBR and PFT further complicate matters by debating whether the lotion came out of or went into the bucket. It appears they have both inserted the actions of Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from The Silence of the Lambs into the Fatal Vision story of Dr. Jeffrey MacDonald. PFT says it came out of the bucket and went into the basket. PBR doesn't recall a basket. PFT assures him that there was one. PBR allows the host to proceed. Tom says that he knows the McDonald brothers from Redd Kross were the stars of The Spirit of '76, but he thought the Conner brothers were also in the film. PBR thinks Tom is talking about Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes. He asks Tom if he saw what Oberst did to Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road." PBR doesn't even want to talk about it. Tom asks him why he's defending something from New Jersey. PBR explains that maybe he don't like Omaha, NE less. He rephrases his take to say that he don't like Omaha no more than that. At this point, he's not really sure what he's trying to express. Tom assumed that he would take Omaha over NJ by default. PBR admits that he lied. He still hates NJ more than anything. Tom wonders if he has a soft spot for Bruce because he did the theme for Philadelphia. PBR believes that the filmmakers should have banned Springsteen and taken a soundtrack offer straight to Robert Hazard or Kenn Kweder. PFT heard that Kweder did a demo of the song that The Academy loved, but they grudgingly awarded the Oscar to Springsteen.
Tim, a comic book enthusiast who often discusses the art form on the show, is not looking forward to the Armageddon Now: World War 3, the infamously bad Rob Liefeld's story based on The Book of Revelation. He fears that God's thighs will be the size of five tree trunks stapled together. PBR notes that Liefeld did the Henry comic. PFT confirms that PBR is referring to the balding little boy who didn't talk. Tim mentions that Liefeld gave young Henry huge, rippling pectoral muscles. Tom wonders if Henry is related to Harold, the purple crayon guy, since they have a very similar appearance.
PBR remembers a particularly edgy Henry strip where he killed his mother with an axe for being all up in his stuff. Tom doesn't believe the matricide ever happened. PFT assumes it appeared in a Sunday strip. PBR says it was a Wednesday, the day the least amount of people read comics. Tom thinks it was probably in some weird Philadelphia newspaper. PBR thinks it might have been, but the then admits it wasn't in an actual newspaper. He drew the violent Henry strip in question. PBR believes it counts as an official strip because it was committed to paper. Tom points out that the actual Henry artist didn't do it. PBR says his version didn't look anything like the real thing. Tom says he doesn't picture PBR being that good of an artist. PBR says he's not very good because he's not sure if he's left- or right-handed. He draws with both at the same time, kind of like he's jabbing the paper with a knife. PFT says that these admissions explain the newspaper in the studio with a Scotch-taped Drabble comic strip where the father has an affair. PBR takes credit for it, and PFT doesn't think it's that bad. Tim is having a party with all the comic references flying around.
Tom reveals a little-known fact: PFT had a flair for artistic pursuits as a young boy. PFT was concerned that Tom was going to mention Hitler's youth art. He confirms that he enjoyed drawing pitchers and comics, but he stopped and never went back. He's impressed that Tom knows a lot about his past. PFT says that after he graduated grammar school, drawing ceased to be an outlet for him, so he transitioned into studying comedy. The new form gave PFT a whole new crowd of people he could make pay attention to him in high school. Tom thinks that if PFT had stuck with art and comedy, he might be the new Mort Drucker, crafting caricatures for a 2008 version of the "Lighter Side" strips. Tom notes that Mad Magazine has never once been good in its 65 years of existence. PFT agrees that this is problematic for the publication. Tom refuses to even give them the Howard Kurtzman years. PBR mentions their Jaws parody called Gums. He giggles when recalling that the shark didn't have no teeth. PFT says that if it wasn't actually called Gums, the editors should dip into the archives to fix it.
PFT says he drew for years and never progressed past a certain point of skill. Tom imagines that he drew a lot of aerial scenes with planes flying through the air and shooting at tanks with dotted-line bullets and single-line lasers. PBR says he still does that. PFT says that he would go over it in a red pen if he had one handy. PBR notes that the red color indicates the blood spillage. PFT says that he favored large battles involving the Army and Navy and drew several flaming humans. In the end, it was easy for him to put the pen down and close the sketch notebook. While PFT saw steady improvement with his comedy, he was mostly unable to draw accurate human shapes.
- Brian calls from Columbus, OH, and PBR asks him if he's headed to Stache's later tonight. Brian informs PBR that the club closed for good a long time ago. PBR seems disappointed, and he asks Brian if he'll go to Little Brothers instead. It's also closed. Tom wonders how the Philly-centric PBR is aware of defunct Ohio music venues. PBR says that he checks them out on the Web. Tom has recently discussed the Columbus scene via the exciting Great Plains reunion. Brian hopes they play a local show, but he's not holding his breath. Tom prefers that they only play the East Coast dates with Big Dipper, thus torturing Brian with the memory of one his greatest local bands skipping a hometown reunion gig. PBR asks Brian if he thinks The Highwaymen would open a hypothetical Great Plains show at Little Brothers. Brian is not familiar with the band, so PBR calls him a Columbadummy. PBR mentions Ronald Koal & the Trillionaires as another potential supporting act. Brian knows that Mr. Koal is dead. Tom wonders if The Zen Archers were from Columbus, and PBR shows off his Internet research by correctly citing Scrawl as a Columbus band. He then scolds Tom for mentioning the Ass Ponys. PBR questions the kind of show Tom is running with his use of such foul language. Brian points out that the A Ponys were actually from Cincinnati. PBR says he's still waiting on that .jpg from Julie. Tom asks PFT not to judge PBR for desiring this image. PBR makes it clear that he will be the one to judge everyone else.
While Brian was poking around on IMDb he noticed that the next Quentin Tarantino project will be Inglorious Basterds, the World War II movie that has been in the works for 11 years. PBR is initially surprised that Tom doesn't like QT, but he realizes that it's because Tom thinks the filmmaker is a smug creep. Tom points out that while QT's peers like PTA are creating mammoth masterworks, he's still reveling in pop culture pastiche and aping the plots from dumb Hong Kong movies as a template for his profane dialogue. PFT wonders if QT will be able draw from any previous Pam Grier appearances in WW2 films or steal some karate battle sequences. Tom believes that QT would have cast Welcome Back Carter's Robert Hegyes as Daniel Plainview if he had helmed TWBB. PFT suggests that QT could have tapped Tom Selleck to launch another career revival a la John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Brian one-ups everyone with the ultimate casting coup: Howard Hesseman. PFT says that he did love Hessemann on WKRP in Cincinnati. PBR mentions Jan Smithers, the actress who played Baily Quarters, and PFT says he's rediscovered his love of her. Tom figured that PBR would be more of a Loni Anderson fan. PBR admits that this is true. In fact, he was recently discussing some dreams he was having about her.
PFT asks PBR if he's ever done any work in comedy. PBR says he's dabbled in it because he's always been a funny guy with great jokes. He makes a bold bet that his average material is better than anything PFT, a professional funnyman, could ever craft. PBR asks the host if he's ready to hear it. Tom is thrown by the query because he thought he had shifted into the role of engineer for PBR's show. PBR says he would put a lot more reverb on his voice if he was manning the controls. Tom applies some reverb, and PBR wants it reduced by 8k and then 6k to achieve the perfect effect. Tom quickly removes it because it's distracting. PBR unleashes his joke:
PFT is highly amused by the regional transportation humor. Tom thinks it must be a Philly thing. PBR can't imagine anyone not enjoying a good SEPTA joke. Tom futher cements his status as a Philadummy by not knowing about SEPTA. PFT tells him that it's the Pennsylvania Transit Authority. PBR explains that the R5 is the blue line, and the R6 is the red line. He wants Tom to say that he pitchers these color-coded commuter rails. Tom obliges. PBR requests an update on the status of nem phone lines. Tom says they are completely silent and gives out the number. PBR hates these resets. PFT thinks Tom refers to him as a famouse comedienne, but Tom assures him that used the male version of the term. PBR suggests that the gender confusion could have been due to PFT's ponytail, which he's still sporting from the various small roles he played in Home Box Office's John Adams miniseries with Paul Gianatti. PFT is also a recurring litigant on Lewis Black's Root of All Evil. Tom likes the music ("comedy metal" per PFT) on the show and laments that he often gets so caught up in headbanging that he forgets to laugh. PFT thinks the music ends just in time to give viewers a chance to prepare for the comedy portion of the program. Tom hopes that the amazing band will release a soundtrack. PBR thinks Prong performs the theme song.
PFT, who is as competition-crazed as Mr. Plainview, admits that he is unable to appreciate the work of other comedians. He can't fathom that performers like Seth Herzog or Frangela dare to share the same comedic universe. PBR says there's only room for one #1, so PFT will have to battle it out with the top-notch Cavemen. PFT is mad that ABC left everyone hanging by canceling the series after only six episodes. Tom thinks the storylines will continue in the commercials with the GEICO lizard doing the voiceovers.
- Dan in Hoboken 07030 calls on a night he did not eat at Benny Tudino's pizzeria. When he does dine at BTs, he can't eat more than two of their monster slices. Tom respects Dan's culinary restraint, especially since you can get a slice the size of your head for $1.30. If you add a second slice, you are essentially getting a full pie. Tom suspects that the absence of a good pizza cutter causes the employees to abort their attempts to create a standard, eight-slice product. The defeat allows Zabras to purchase $11 worth of pizza for under $3.
Dan says that he traveled to Philly this past weekend to catch a Mets vs. Phillies game. He's a Mets fan, and PBR obviously doesn't like to hear that. Dan thought that he'd get razzed by drunken Phillyites for wearing a Mets hat on enemy turf. While he wishes that he could report on the misbehavior of Phillies phanatics, some obnoxious Mets fans were the people looking to start fights by gleefully high-fiving each other. PFT says if you go looking for a rumble in Philly, you won't find it. The locals like to be in charge of when the fights start and when the first round of batteries are thrown. PBR reveals that people prefer to sneak up behind intruders at the end of the night and pelt them with batteries as they walk back to their cars. PFT believes the Mets fans should have quietly enjoyed the game and then left town. The Phillies fans lull the aggressors into a false sense of security as they merge onto 95N, a brief moment of calm before they begin firing batteries right into the temples of the departing visitors. Dan says someone did jump a guy from behind towards the end of the game. PBR is glad it all worked out.
- The soothing sounds of Samir in Florida serve as a Blue-like balm after the flare-up of geographical warfare. PFT thinks Samir always sounds very elegant on the phone, and Tom has seen pictorial evidence that confirms Samir as a classy guy. PFT wonders if he's a bit of a dandy. Tom says that Samir's keen sense of style reminds him a bit of PFT's sartorial swagger. Samir says he tries to model his look after PFT whenever he can. PBR picks up an accent indicating that Samir is from Eng-uh-lund, perhaps a town called London. Samir tells PBR that he's from the north part of of that town. PBR notes that Black Sabbath are also from Upper London, but Samir reveals that the band actually hailed from Birmingham, England. PBR doesn't think that is correct. Samir says that when frontman Ozzy Osbourne could talk he had a pretty thick Birmingham accent. PBR is not familiar with Osbourne. Tom informs him that Ozzy is the lead singer of Black Sabbath. PBR believes the band's vocalist was Ronnie James Dio. Samir says he was one of many singers, and PFT agrees that band has gone through several personnel changes over the years. PBR wants the host to move on and let the caller speak his voice.
Samir thinks PBR may disagree with his topic entry: Playboy's "Girls of The Olive Garden" initiative. Tom can't wait to see the results of this talent hunt. Samir is leery of offending The Olive Garden, but Tom is more than willing to declare it one of the worst restaurants in America. PBR thinks it's classy and and admires the family-style approach. Tom halts the discussion because he just got an angry e-mail from Casey from Astoria, who didn't appreciate not getting much of a shot this evening. Tom refuses to accept any blame for Casey's two flameouts. PBR wants Richie from Eng-uh-lund to proceed. Tom rips The Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat salad bar -- an unholy spread of oil and vinegar atop limp iceberg lettuce served alongside Wonder Bread® molded into the shape of legimate Italian bread. PFT urges everyone to find the clip of one of Hugh Hefner's 15 wives explaining her passion for The Olive Garden. Samir says it's available on YouTube. PBR makes a note of the site. Tom gives a thumbs down to The Olive Garden, Playboy, and YouTube. PBR thumbs-ups everything Tom just thumbs-downed. PFT is surprised that Tom included YouTube in his indictment. PBR asks for the next call, and Tom obeys him. He's not sure why he did that. PBR thinks Tom is preparing to have him serve as the next mayor of Newbridge.
- Alice in Richmond calls, but Tom still can't get past Casey's angry missive. PBR wants him to call back. Tom reads the full e-mail:
I didn't appreciate the fact that you didn't give me much of a shot this evening. I was entirely prepared to add something to the "Lines or No Lines" topic, but I was attempting to be polite and introduce myself. As your novice callers often tell you, it can be a nerve-wracking ordeal to phone The Best Show. I think your hook was a little too quick.
Tom issues a five-year ban on Casey with a provision stating that any calls made before late April 2013 will trigger a new seven-year ban starting on the day of the infraction. Tom remembers that Alice is on the line. When she used to foster cats for the Humane Society, one of her finds was a big dumb cat that was missing half of its tail. Alice offers this truncated appendage as being decidedly Not Right. She brought him home and then adopted him six months later. Tom says that Alice's kind actions are not Not Right. He is pleased that Alice's entry managed to cancel out Casey's snooze calls and bitter emails. Alice counts this as her good deed for the week. She says that she named the cat Chester A. Arthur because of its sideburn whiskers. PBR recognizes Arthur as a Senator. Tom tips his hat to Alice for delivering a good call.
- Joanna from Portland, OR, fields a set of questions about her plans for the evening. PBR displays an even broader knowledge of rock clubs by asking her if she's going to Doug Fir, PFT opts for a visit to Powell's bookstore, and Tom suggests a session at the Odditorium, The Dandy Warhols warehouse space modeled after The Factory. PBR announces that The Dandys are his favorite band. Joanna prefers not to take a public stance on them. PBR asks for her take on Poison Idea. She's okay with them.
Tom mentions the late-great Pig Champion, and PBR confirms that the oversized guitarist "passed on." Tom wants to find a picture so PFT can behold PC's Brimsteadian fat rolls. PBR recommends checking the IMDb listing for The Pig Champion Story. PFT wonders if PC was a former Mr. Universe. He also suspects that PBR is mistaking Babe for the non-existent Tom Roberts bio-pic. PBR wants to make sure that Tom doesn't confuse Pig Champion with his bandmate, Steve "Thee Slayer Hippy" Hanford. PFT reviews an image and wonders about the official cause of death. PBR reports that Pig Champion died of girth. Paul was leaning more towards a fatal lightning strike. Tom proposes two alternate theories that give PC an even more tragic and heroic sendoff. In the first scenario, Pig loses a struggle to breathe that ensues when someone breaks into his residence. The second puts Pig in line to make a deposit during a bank robbery. After one of the robbers hits an old lady with the butt of his rifle, Pig gets shot by an accomplice while fighting back. Tom abandons these theories and returns to PBR's original finding: Pig Champion died after eating everything. He tells PFT that PC talked a bit like Jimmy Cagney. PBR is ready for Julie (sic) to proceed.
Joanna believes that ROFLCon, the Internet meme convention launched by Harvard and MIT, is Not Right. Tom thinks the two schools are strike one and two against the event. PBR wonders if Paul Higgins from Conventions, Inc. has a role in the production. Joanna says that she doesn't know anyone who would willingly admit to being involved in it. Tom wonders how anyone is funny post-Harvard since everything they do while enrolled as students sounds completely stupid. He mentions the Harvard Lampoon recently giving its "Woman of the Year" award to socialite/actress Paris Hilton. Tom shames the rich jerks. PFT doesn't think a man wearing a dress cuts it in 2008. Tom has no interest in Harvard sickos. Joanna says she will not attend ROFLCon. PFT wanted to further explore the details, but Tom has to move things along.
- Liza calls from Fishtown! PBR loves it! He wants to hear all about her row house, and Liza says it's nearly right under I-95. PFT assumes that she's calling from a nearby pay phone, but she's on her cell. PBR requests the name of her Block Captain. Liza thinks it's a man named Roger. PBR asks her if she ever goes to The Fire. She's been there.
Liza says that last Friday she ended up at a Clinton rally of 100 people near Fishtown. It was a weird experience that included getting hit in the face with a "Team Hillary" t-shirt thrown by Mayor Michael Nutter. Nutter was joined by Governor Ed Rendell, but he had to excuse himself before Bill Clinton arrived to hit the gay clubs with Chelsea Clinton to promote Hillary to that demo. Liza thinks it's wrong to pimp Chelsea out as the fun, young girl. Tom wonders if Liza was just walking down the street when she got stuck in the middle of the Clinton event. Liza says it was held at a weird venue near her house. She is not quite a member of Team Hillary. PBR says that he doesn't like the gay club thing at all. PFT thinks it makes sense because Chelsea Clinton and Ed Rendell are huge gay icons. He notes that you can see people dressed up like them at any Gay Pride parade. PBR says the duo are always voguing.
- Wes calls from Hillside, NJ, but it's not the Wes who has garnered praise for his ample supply of FOT Chat quips. PBR wonders if this Wes is the Hillside Strangler. Wes appears to be angry about being linked to the murdering cousins.
He also doesn't think that Chocolate Skittles are right. PBR saw a commercial for them today, but he ain't never had none. He does enjoy the original Skittles because they are very fruitful. Wes says he popped some of the candies thinking they were M&Ms. PFT asks him if the new flavor combines fruit and chocolate, or if it's just chocolate. Wes says it's chocolate with the same consistency as the fruit Skittles. He gets mad again. PBR says he would hate to be Wes's lover. PFT doesn't think they sound that bad. Wes asks everyone to imagine tasting a S'mores-flavored Skittle when you're expecting a grape one. PFT assumes they came in a brown bag and were clearly labeled as a chocolate product. PBR asks Wes if they have marshmallows in them. He says they don't, but they taste like it. PBR asks Wes to stop yelling at him. PFT tells the murderer that his story is full of holes. Tom asks him if he's wearing the skin of the person who sold him the chocolate Skittles. Wes says that he should be draped in the flesh of this rogue retailer. Tom gets rid of him. PBR is ready to take the final call of the evening.
- Brock in Portland, OR, thinks that PFT may remember him as someone called the "CIA Facebook Guy." Nope. PFT says that while it could not have been a more specific thing to say, it could not have run less bells in his mind. Brock's Not Right entry is George Bush's appearance on last night's Deal or No Deal. Tom and PFT agree with his pick. The embattled Commander in Chief provided a taped message for a contestant who received a Purple Heart and Bronze Star after three tours of Iraq as a US Army officer. Bush, decked out in a Sammy Sosa jersey and clearly tipsy, offered gratitude for his service to the country and hoped an appearance on a popular game show was sufficient compensation for the torment of wondering if he would make it home alive.
Brock also wants to get PBR's assessment of W.C. Fields's standing as a Philadelphian. Fields, who was born in Darby, PA, often made fun of his city, which he may have referenced in an epitaph that he proposed for himself in a 1925 Vanity Fair article. The quotation has been cited in many variations, such as "I'd rather be other places than here," the pro-Philly "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia," or the parting shot, "Better here than in Philadelphia." PBR believes that the first version appears on his tombstone. He wants the host to IMDb the quote or research it on tombstones.com. Tom can't do any fact-checking because he already shut down his computer to make way for Small Change. PFT isn't sure that's the exact quote. Per Wikipedia, the actual tombstone in Glendale, CA, reads "W.C. Fields 1880-1946. Spike Will Continue My Legacy of Hate."
PBR asks Small Change what he will cue up as the first Blancmange tune of his set. Tom suggests "Blind Vision." Small Change counters with something from Visage, and PBR requests "Blocks on Blocks." Brock offends Tom by asking to do the legal station ID before he hands over the reigns. PBR thinks it was very presumptuous. Tom does not grant the rude request. PFT asks Tom if he can ratify a bill during the show's waning moments. Tom points out that The Best Show is not a fontasy baseball league or spring training with Billy Crystal stepping up to the plate. PFT mentions that Crystal was very funny on Letterman the other night. PBR thinks Crystal is always funny. Tom has noticed that the Jazzman's face appears to be in the process of melting off. PBR loves Crystal's Joe Franklin impression, and he also enjoyed him in Dr. Midnight. PFT thinks the film was called Mr. Saturday Night . PBR is referring to he movie where Crystal kills the people. He realizes that he was thinking of Dr. Giggles.
Small Change gives the go-ahead for some overtime riffing. PBR wants to know what Tom has in store for nem listeners next Tuesday. Tom says he has an exciting topic lined up. He plans to find out who people would like to inflate with a pump until they explode. PBR thinks it would be interesting to pump up the two people who said they were going to pump YOU up. PFT identifies the pair as Hans and Franz, the Austrian bodybuilders from SNL. PBR doesn't think those are the correct character names. He's leaning towards the Wild and Crazy Guys played by Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin. PBR wonders if Tom would pump PFT up. PFT suggests inflating the jerky Idi Amin because he's still mad at the Ugandan dictator. PBR believes that Amin knows what he did was wrong. Tom still hasn't come to terms with Libyan leader Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, who remains America's biggest threat. He is certain that Ma-G is waiting for the dust to settle before busting right up the middle when nobody's looking. PBR says that he will be ready for the attack as the sitting mayor of Newbridge. Tom has a bad feeling that PBR is going to win. He's heard the platforms of the 20 other candidates, and PBR is not the worst one. PBR is in the process of gathering dirt on his competitors, and he sees Glenn Danzig as his biggest threat because he has a lot of smart ideas. However, Danzig may have trouble convincing voters to elect someone who is only 3' 8".
Mike appears to be conducting his own show in the background. Tom says that he may get a fill-in host one week so he can do Mike's show. PFT asks Tom if he ever feels like he's screening calls for Mike. Tom is beginning to realize that Mike tosses off the weirdo riff-raff while keeping the great, fresh callers for himself. While Mike often conducts five-minute coaching sessions to mold mutants into proper callers, Tom doesn't think he would be patient enough to let anyone through if he was screening. He compares Mike's show-shaping efforts to Fred DeCordova, the longtime director/producer for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Tom asks PFT if he would consider running for mayor. He's never been a politics guy, but PBR says that is not a requirement for this particular election. PFT reluctantly agrees to throw his hat into the ring and obtain the required 37 signatures. PBR don't like it because now the Philly vote will be splintered. PFT thinks he has a lot to bring to this town.
On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Sheila Larson calls to not refute the reports in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald about her torrid love-making sessions with a pre-steroidal Roger Clemens from 1989-1991 and then one time in 2002 when the embattled hurler was in town for an autograph signing at the now-defunct Baseball Buddies hobby shop at Newbridge Commons. The shop closed a year later after it congealed into a solid block of stale gum, pine tar, and Brien Taylor rookie cards.
One more for all the Phillyites: