"You know who's a huge classical buff? No one I know!" -- Tom, looking for actual fans and finding none
"No one get killed like that kid did in the movie. If you're gonna get killed, pay your pledge first. Let that be your final act of paying it forward." -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid the fate of young Haley Joel Osment until they do the right thing
"Wait. You mean Kim Fowley pulled a fast one on somebody? What? Hold on. He was less than honest? Are you sure it's the same Kim Fowley?" -- Tom, questioning the identity of a supposed scam artist at the Pan-American ticket counter
"That's the only band I really wanted to see besides Half Japanese and The Slits." -- Michael K of The Cynics, lamenting the scheduling conflicts that prevented him from seeing Hanson at SX
"Is this Beatle Bob? You're not Beatle Bob, are you?" -- Michael K, trying to identify the caller who took offense to his geographical zings
"Am I here? Is this my show? I thought it was. I'm gonna go home. Mike, let these two guys do the show." -- Tom, moving to the back of the bus during a steamrolling discussion of Southern cuisine
"How many teams do they have? And do they play in their robes, like the full robes?" -- Tom, inquiring about the representation and attire of the KKK squads entered in the Whirlyball Nationals
"It's gonna flop hard. It's gonna flop harder than the sweat pouring down James's forehead, loosening that cheap toupee of his." -- Tom, predicting the box-office fate of The Love Guru
"I'd like to slam his fingers in that desk drawer, maybe get him to wake up for once." -- Tom, rousing This American Life host Ira Glass from his terminal slumber
"Oh, good, it has 'Pipeline' on it." -- Paycheque, rejoicing in a choice Johnny Thunders import 10"
"Exactamundo." -- Greg from Baltimore
"They coulda used Mountain." -- Nate from St. Paul, proposing a suitable BOC alternative for the "More Cowbell" sketch
"Tom Starplin, I love you, but you gotta stop GOMPin' Lair-ee." -- A hopeless pupil, disappointing his mentor yet again
"That might make him the best kind of caller: the guy who brings the energy of someone who would curse, but doesn't curse." -- Tom, praising Sonny from JC's ability to walk the delicate line in his takedown of late-period Al Pacino
"Yeah, you sound stupid." -- Tom, detecting a lot of unintelligent callers during the "Coffin Talk" segment
"I don't build coffins, I shop for 'em." -- Tom, declining to respond to a question about the ideal wood for a sturdy construction
"My throat. My throat hurts so much. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore!" -- Tom, rising from the grave
"Apparently, you want it all. Apparently, you want to hear 'Layla' and get in-depth news coverage." - Tom, informing a caller that he's asking way too much of his classic rock radio station
Coffin Break - "Boxes and Boxes"
( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til the Stardust Motel)
Torche - "Across The Shields"
( Click here to pre-order Meanderthal)
Final Solutions - "In A Coma"
( Click here to buy Songs by Solutions)
The Marked Men - "Fix My Brain"
( Click here to buy Fix My Brain)
Monkeywrench - "Levitation"
( Click here to buy Gabriel's Horn)
Thee Headcoatees - "Just Like A Dog"
( Click here to buy Bozstik Haze)
Mission of Burma - "Progress"
( Click here to buy the Matador re-issues)
Lungfish - "Nation Saving Song"
( Click here to buy Love is Love)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Tom is back for another exciting Tuesday night radio adventure, but he's doing it without the companionship and sonic contributions of his beloved sidekick. He gave the ABBA box a well-deserved week off and enlisted Agnetha Fältskog's De Forsta Aren 1967-1979 box set as a more than adequate fill-in. (However, it was far less chatty than it's blue-felt relative, perhaps due to having less command of English.) Tom explains that ABBA was a legit Supergroup because prior to the band's formation Anni-Frid had hits and Agnetha had hits. Benny and Björn? You guessed it: hits. Tom played Agnetha's "Jag Var Sa Kar", and Crimestick, an actual Swedish fella, gives his pronunciation of the track name a passing grade.
The two lit lines scare Tom because he thought people were well aware that pre-topic calls were dicey bets to make it through the gauntlet of horror. Mike has no idea how the first caller is going to turn out, and the second one is a controversial caller from last week.
- Arthur in Kentucky tries to beat the 30-second clock with a tale of marathon pledging and Internet karma. He was hesitant to pledge due to cash-flow problems, but he mailed his payment today because he had to drop $75 for the "We Did It Again" Fun Pack. Arthur says it felt good because he knows he did the right thing for WFMU. Tom resets the clock.
Arthur believes his contribution led to some good digital music fortune. He recently got an email from eMusic trying to lure him back to the service with 75 free songs for a trial subscription. Arthur gladly accepted the bounty and immediately canceled. After paying his pledge he received another offer for 75 songs, which he considers part of his premium loot. Since Arthur generally likes everything Tom plays on the show, he asks for 5 or 6 album download recommendations. He allows Tom to gradually reveal his picks throughout the show to avoid putting him on the spot. Tom appreciates it. I'd say grab these 49, then these 13 (better than Tawny port and colonic therapy!), and then any 13 from this.
Arthur says he likes everything from Jay-Z to Jay Reatard, but Tom doesn't think it's that wide of a range. The ABBA-to-Zappa crowd has always driven Tom nuts because he simply doesn't buy that there are people who truly like all music, and he's particularly skeptical about their supposed embrace of classical music. The two most common exceptions: rap and country. Tom questions the true diversity of a musical spectrum that omits the entirety of two genres. He also doubts they really like any classical pieces beyond movie scores like 2001: A Space Odyssey. Arthur believes classical music serves as little more than background noise while doing homework. Tom does not know any classical buffs, although he thinks the caller on hold may be an enthusiast.
Arthur has one more bit of Internet karma: AST maestro Jouster got him into The Best Show, which led to his pledge. Tom thinks Jouster is a Good Guy. Arthur got someone else to pledge $75, so he gives Jouster credit for that one, too. Tom compares this chain of events to Pay It Forward without the kid dying. He tells listeners who plan to get killed for their good deeds to pay their pledge prior to passing.
- Michael K from The Cynics confirms that he knows classical music. He also mentions that the A-t-Zers usually cite the obscure British band The Beatles as their favorite group. MK says he's doing better than he looks, but not as good as Tom looks (translation: still tilting at windmills). Last week he caused a bit of a row with some incendiary remarks that slandered the entire southern portion of the country before getting bumped for Marky Ramone. MK doesn't expect Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life to be a good read.
Tom reminds him that he lives in Pittsburgh (go Steeluhs!), which prompts MK to recite the classical James Carvel quote: "Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between." MK says he has no problem throwing rural PA under the bus, and he's not going to argue that The Pitts is a cosmopolitan mecca. However, it is his home, and he believes it's far superior to Florida.
Tom points out that since Weird Paul is the city's biggest cultural claim to fame, MK hasn't really earned the high ground to take shots at the rest of the country. MK tries to give the Pittsburgh music roster a boost by including the Iron City Houserockers. He doesn't think he's a giant towering over people, but he does reside above the South. He admits that he gets kinda nervous when traveling in rural areas. Tom visited his fair city, and it was mostly rural areas until he reached the Andy Warhole Museum. MK is certain that Tom and Jillian Barberie had a lovely drive on his motorcycle. Tom says he is still trying to get a refund for his admission fee because it was just five empty floors with a stray silver pillow. In a nutshell, it lacked the art that an art museum usually displays for patrons. Tom says he stole the pillow and put it up for sale on eBay. I'm bidding on it using AuctoBlock!
MK begins Part II of his SX report by noting the pleasant time he spent with various friends from Spain and Mexico. He also got the rare treat of seeing musical impresario Kim Fowley at the Get Hip showcase. The next day
his wallet was missing he saw him in jail attempting to get a return flight to L.A at the Pan-American counter at the Austin airport . Tom wonders if Fowley is a member of The Beatles since he was trying to secure a seat on a defunct airline. MK says Fowley told Pan-Am employees that he was blind and required special assistance. He thought it was a brilliant idea because Fowley was wielding a (razor?) cane and was eventually helped onto a plane. MK thinks Fowley deserves special treatment for being a celebrity instead of having to resort to ocular fibbery. He played things aboveboard so he had to stay an extra day before flying home on the Spruce Goose. Tom is very surprised to find out that Fowley was less than honest and pulled a fast one to get on the flight. He's not even sure if he's thinking of the same Kim Fowley. MK urges Tom to call Pan-American to report the ruse. Tom says he will do that as soon as he boards his time machine. Sidenote: High on Fire apparently performed a well-received cover of "Nut Rocker" during the festival. It'll be released on 6,000-gram "Mint Chocolate Chip" vinyl this fall by Man's Ruin (split with Fu Manchu's cover of "They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha-Haaa!").
MK really wanted to see Half Japanese at the WFMU showcase, but he will have to settle for the archive. He thinks Tom would be a great host for the live WFMU broadcast next year because he'd surely love holding things down amidst 20 million doughy white people mulling around one street listening to 30 bands at the same time. Tom says he will never attend SX because he might encounter Harry Knowles, the round mound of online movie gossip who traverses the city in a scooter. MK saw Fowley, Clement T. Burkhauser III, and a few other celebs, but Knowles and Taylor Hanson eluded him. Tom is not familiar with Mr. Hanson, so MK explains that he's a member of the fraternal pop trio Hanson, who were unfortunately playing at the same time as a Cynics gig. He was very disappointed because he was mainly looking forward to seeing Hanson, Half Japanese, and The Slits. MK suspects that Hanson drew a good portion of The Cynics audience to their gig. I was hoping that MK would discuss his defeat at the hands of a malnourished and dehydrated Philly Boy Roy in the Pennsylvania Accent Throwdown at last year's SX Wawa Records showcase. MK reports that the notoriously anti-American Cynics plan to go back to Europe to get the hell out of this ugly country before returning for some summer shows with Mudhoney.
Another passenger takes a seat on Tom's bus to say that MK raised his dander with his anti-South riffage. MK wonders if it's someone from Florida. The caller, a former Pittsburgh resident, demands an apology for the offending commentary. He says he currently lives in Atlanta, GA, and Tom wants to know why. He quickly reveals that the query was a joke -- he actually has nothing against any of the locales being dissed. The caller says he doesn't consider Florida to be part of the south proper despite its location. Tom thought he was making an indignant call to defend his home turf, not start a tag-team attack on the Sunshine State. The caller says he holds MK in great respect, so he has no problem joining him in this cause. However, he believes MK is being tremendously narrowsighted in arguing that the South is not all that. The bottom line: he hates Northern purists. Tom thinks the South will rise again, but the caller thinks it has already risen. (Still waiting on the biscuits, though.) He lived in the North for half of his life, and he can't think of one thing it has over the South other than an abundance of good record stores. Tom adds a couple more things: tall buildins (aka skyyyyyscrapers) and aeroports. MK adds tornadoes. The caller says that while he was in SX a tornado rampaged through his neighborhood.
At this point, MK wonders if he's talking to Beatle Bob, the mop-topped, St. Louis-based, arrhythmic concert dancer/agitator. Tom asks the caller to announce himself. It's actually Henry Owings, the publisher of Bunklet, a pamphlet dedicated to Baltimore homicide detective William "Bunk" Moreland and the D.C. Go-Go scene. MK gets excited because now he is talking to two of his idols. Henry tells MK that while he can understand remarks tossed off in the heat of the moment, he really, really, really thinks he's off-base in saying that the South is anything other than awesome. MK tries to win Henry over by expressing love for the boiled peanuts at East Atlanta's The Earl. Henry touts other Southern culinary delights like turnip greens, black-eyed peas, corn bread, and pulled-pork BBQ sandwiches. MK says he considers Atlanta a legit urban enclave unlike the rest of Georgia and the surrounding states.
MK and Henry are so immersed in conversation that Tom wonders if he is still in the studio doing his radio show. He considers going home and tells Mike the Associate Producer to let these guys finish out the rest of the show. While Henry is known for his incorrigible steamrolling of Tom, this was closer to a full-on hijacking (Sajaking?). MK mentions that the best thing the South offers is sweet tea, a beverage Tom thinks is suitable for people who want to accelerate the onset of diabetes. Henry says that when he moved to The Pitts in 1990 for school he was struck by how unbelievably nice the people were. He suspects that some Southern hospitality rubbed off from West Virginia, Virginia, and Kentucky.
Tom tips his hat to Henry for helping put together the exclusive Patton Oswalt EP for the marathon. Henry says it was an honor to help out WFMU and The Best Show. Tom requests an update on Team Chunklet's legendary Whirlyball exploits against various rock bands who had never heard of the sport until 20 minutes before gametime. Henry says they are still undefeated at 44-0 and have been asked to compete this June in the national competition. Tom assumes that the KKK will enter some teams in the event, and he asks Henry if they play while wearing the full robes. Henry is pretty sure that their players opt for sleeker white jumpers because the loose robes would likely get caught/ripped in the cramped bumper cars or hinder the range of motion on scoop maneuvers. Tom wonders how many times a day Henry observes KKK activities in Georgia. Henry says he never sees anything in Atlanta, especially since he lives in a very integrated and diverse neighborhood. He has heard about the KKK flare-ups in Forsyth County circa 1987 and the rallies 100 years ago at Stone Mountain, a massive granite dome featuring a bas-relief of Confederate heroes Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis.
The park also hosts summer amphitheater concerts (e.g., Eric Clapton, Necroczar, The Northern Bushmen), and Henry promises to take MK to one of the laser bean shows the next time he's in town. MK doesn't know anything about the KKK, but he hopes that Henry is not trying to get him involved in any sporting activities. Tom has to clear the lines because MK lapses into toilet mouth. Tom reminds listeners that this is not The Ron Jeremy Radio Hour, which hasn't been on the WFMU schedule since 1986. Tom calls MK a sick prevert and issues a five-year ban.
- Fledgling ROY candidate Steve in North Hollywood calls to continue clearing the decks in the first hour of the program. Last week he arranged an on-air interview with Nate Hartley, the star of Drillbit Taylor, America's #1 comedy, but now he has actual stuff to talk about. Steve backs up Arthur's karma theory by revealing that the day after he pledged he got a backpay check for some raises that was nearly 10 times the amount of his pledge. Tom asks him if he pledged $10. Steve says he pledged $150. Rapist! The check allowed him to pay off some loans, take car of his car, and begin building a nest egg.
Steve apologizes for bringing up American Idol, but he wants to discuss a really funny story emerging from the show's trenches. In a nutshell, David Cook's nü-metal "Eleanor Rigby" cover prompted Seattle-based DOXOLOGY to claim that he stole their arrangement. Steve dismisses the charge as a sad stab at fame, noting that the band is also doing a cover of The Beatles's original. He says he's heard both clips and doesn't think Cook's version sounds anything like Doxology's take. Steve digs an even deeper hole for himself after Tom catches him referring to the reality music skein as just the showbizzy "Idol." Tom welcomed Steve as a beacon of light earlier in the year, but he's clearly in a slump. He diagnoses Steve with a case of the yips and asks God's forgiveness for using a golf term on the air. Tom recommends getting back to the basics to avoid out-thinking and spooking himself. Steve says he will try to back off of the yips starting now. He asks Tom if that works for him. Tom GOMPs him. He puts Julie from Cincinnati in the lead by default in what is now a wide open ROY race. Steve has plummeted to the bottom. Tom compares his fall to hyped Oscar bait like Smilla's Sense of Snow that immediately vanishes upon its late-year theatrical push.
- Tom saw the trailer for The Love Guru, and he's ready to declare the whole Mike Myers thing ova. The thing in question is limp, Carol Burnett-grade "comedies" featuring weird sound effects. Myers continues trampling over the Peter Sellers filmography with his take on The Party, including contorting his body into a pretzel shape by twisting his fake legs behind his head like Dorf on Golf. Tom reports that when Myers bites his foot, the sound effect is identical to Scooby Doo eating a sandwich. He didn't like it.
- Henry from South Orange says he was in a "task group" that attended an advance test screening of The Love Guru. He thinks that if you like the Austin Powers movies, you'll probably get James'd. Ew, buoy. He's back. Tom wants to know what is wrong with this sicko because he begged him for Facebook friendship and promised to halt his mutant intrusions. James says it's a different James, but he retracts that and takes responsibility for the Jamesing. While Tom thinks he's creepy, he's still ahead of Steve for ROY. Tom is usually a gentlemen, but this particular sloth has left him with no choice but to air his dirty polyester briefs on the air. He reads from one of James's sad-sack Facebook missives:
Obviously I tried to make my mark on the show with the whole James thing, and I apologize. I only succeeded in making myself look like a [jerk], and very well at that. Not quite what I was thinking when it started and even more bewildered as to why it continued. No more James calls, just Jeremy sitting faithfully next to his radio on Tuesday nights. I still contend that it is the funniest program across all mediums [sic]. And sorry about the whole Record Fair thing [Ed. - a sweaty, twitching James nervously came clean to Tom upon exiting the bathroom], it was really nice to have met you, and you couldn't have been more pleasant.
Tom thinks James may have a demon in his head like Mr. Brooks that prevents him from letting go of his compulsion to pollute the program with unfunny pranks. He plans to turn the tables on James like Mel Gibson in Ransom even though he hasn't actually seen that film. Based on the trailer, Tom is pretty sure that Gibson's character made a commercial to offer money to kill the people who kidnapped his son. Tom starts looking for his Churchill tape so he can rally to overcome the opening quartet of garbage dump callers.
Before announcing tonight's topic he briefly returns to The Love Guru to criticize the uninspired casting of Verne Troyer. He finds it hard to believe that Mini-Me still has some new tricks in his playbook and shames Mike Myers for making lame jokes about Troyer's size in the trailer. Tom predicts that the film will flop harder than the toupee-loosening sweat pouring down James's forehead. It really is time for James to upgrade. I haven't seen anything less prone to adhesion since the wallpaper at the Hotel Earle in Barton Fink. Tom considers charging for The Best Show if he has to keep dealing with people like James.
Tom puts a topic on the table: I Love Ya, But-. For example, Tom loves Neil Young, but he thinks his output in the last 10 years is bad news, Jack. Tom starts pounding his CD Player because his bed music is skipping. He wants to hear about other favorites that have let listeners down with some duds. Tom asks Mike if his protégé, Larry the Perv, fits this description. Mike is disappointed that Larry the Perv appears to have forgotten how to do Larry the Perv.
- Johnny B from Port Jervis, NY, risks going tangentle to the topic to ask Tom who actually does the theme song for DJ Terre T's Cherry Blossom Clinic, which is heard every Saturday on WFMU from 3 to 6 p.m. He says that the residents of the local part-time nuthouse really like to crank up the volume on that tune. Tom tells him that it is performed by The Move. He doubts it was really the surviving Jerky Boy because he didn't charge Tom $25 for the call.
- A caller says he loves Penn Jillette, but he doesn't need to see him on Dancing with the Stars. He and his wife caught a glimpse of his moves while they were cooking dinner, and they went "Whuuuuuuut?" Tom has a stomach ache now. For what it's worth, Penn does a decent soft shoe in episode 4.8 of Penn & Teller: Bull s hit!
- Jerry in Boulder, CO, takes a break from his shift at the Mork & Mindy museum to try to get things back on track. He tempers his Guided By Voices love by criticizing Robert Pollard's 25-minute stage banter about the shortcomings of other bands. He prefers less talking and more songs. Tom points out that even with these asides, a typical GBV show still provides more than 3 hours of music. Jerry is also aware that GBV ended their run 4 years ago, but he had to finally get it off his chest. Tom doesn't think he should let things fester for that long.
Tom asks Jerry if he has Nuggets fever, but he's not even sure if he can place them in their proper sport. Tom thinks he could give it a try. Jerry correctly identifies them as a basketball team. Tom knew he could do it because it's not like Colorado has multiple franchises in each professional sport. He asks Jerry if they have a hockey team. Jerry has no idea, and Tom bids him Good Day. He concurs with the FOT Chat's assessment that this was the best call of the night.
- A caller loves the hip chicks, but he's had enough of the terrible Bettie Page look. Tom asks him what he looks like, but the caller is hesitant to respond because he's not female. He changes his mind and says he looks like Bettie Page. Tom can't believe this is where The Best Show is at in 2008. He thinks God is smoting him after a triumphant marathon performance. Tom commends the FOT Chat for running a great, pro show while he's dealing with mumbling humanoids. He wishes that they knew that there was a radio show that spawned that very chat room.
Chris from the Music Snobbery website calls to wish Tom a Happy Tuesday and belated Happy Easter. He loves U2, but he wants them to stop existing because he hasn't liked any of their albums since The Joshua Tree. Tom asks him if he's a fan of "With or Without You." Chris says he prefers tracks like "Where the Streets Have No Name", which he considers to be one of the best kickoffs to an album. Chris thinks the album came out in 1986 or 1987, but Tom doesn't have any idea because the the only band he hates more than U2 is the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Chris also picks RHCP as his most hated with Grateful Dead in the second slot. Tom says the only U2-related song he enjoys is the Pet Shop Boys's magical mash-up of "Where The Streets Have No Name" and "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." Chris knows that Bono is a great man who supports a lot of worthy causes, but he's just rehashing his music for 40-year-olds. Tom agrees that it's time for U2 to retire. He thinks he's finally piecing the show back together.
- Showbiz Sean from Los Angeles is good, and he's gonna bring things all the way back!
- Drove past Amanda Bynes in a golf cart
- Met the great Faison (Good Guy), Braff (Good Guy), and Chalke (Good Gal)
- John C. McGinley is
a jerkintense and prone to ad-libs; Tom enjoyed his work in Are We Done Yet?
- Post-Pavement Stephen Malkmus (bitch!) is morphing from Rupert Holmes-y story songs into Jerry Garcia jamfests
- Julie from Cincinnati:
- Paid her pledge online and wants her vote to count
- She loves cigarettes ("They're great! Except for the cancer.") and would smoke 10 packs/day if they were not so smelly
- Her soft-serve husband cried like a baby last week; Julie had to send his mother over to console him. (Not really.)
- Liz in Chicago:
- Tom slams NPR's egghead programming like the snoozefest This American Life (aka worst. show. ever.) and plans to wake up Ira Glass by slamming his fingers in his desk drawer
- Liz reveals that she is employed by NPR; Tom fails to get her to admit that Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! quipmaster Peter Sagal is a creep and asks her to use her clout to get him a show called The Joe Lunchpail Hour
- Liz loves her friends, but she wants them to stop detailing all of their exciting non-adventures on their blogs in lieu of offline communication
- Mike runs a Panera Bread blog
- Steve in NoHo steps right back up to the plate with an entry for the topic. He says he loves the rock 'n rollers, but he wants them to save the cover songs for their live performances. Steve is having troubling escaping The Killers's cover of Joy Division's "Shadowplay" and No Doubt's rendition of Talk Talk's "It's My Life." Tom suggests turning off the horrible radio station and switching to a CD. He GOMPs him again. Last place!
- Samir in Florida suggests that Steve could talk to his buddy Nate Hartley instead of listening to the radio. Tom appears to enjoy the zinger, even though he's not sure who Nate Hartley is. He then remembers that the young actor is the star of box-office smash Drillbit Taylor, which was completely sold out when he tried to screen it this past weekend. Tom says he tried to catch it on international waters, but the last ferry had already left the dock.
Samir says he wasn't too keen on the Florida bashing by Henry Owings and Michael K. He lives in Gainesville and may attend the Mudcrutch reunion shows. Last week Samir mentioned that that Bob Saget is performing tonight at the O'Connell Center, and in a scheduling dilemma that rivals the Hanson/Cynics SX competition, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright will also be speaking tonight at the University of Florida. I heard she works really blue! Tom is relieved to be able to voice his true opinions of Bob Saget now that superfan Todd Barry is not in the studio. He cannot imagine seeing Saget have a nervous breakdown on stage. Samir says he turned down two offers from people who thought the concert would be an awesome event. Tom thinks it's time for Saget to stop being haunted by making $110 million for a run on Full House that ended 11 years ago.
Samir loves the music of Andre 2000*, Mos Def, and Common, but he'd like them to be a bit more discerning when selected their move roles. He wasn't too hot on Four Brothers, Be Cool, or Revolver. Call of the Night!
*Lost 1,000 points for appearing in the above films.
- Laurie in Miami:
- Loves The Cynics, but shames Michael K for his recent anti-South outbursts
- Declines to throw Gainesville under the bus because they host a pirate parade (the swashbuckling bacchanalia actually takes place in Tampa)
- Plans to have Doddy turn the sun closer to her since it's a chilly 67 degrees at 9:23 p.m.
- Loves Wes in the FOT Chat, but she wants him to call the program to bring the funny to a wider audience; Tom wants Omar, 2007 Best Best Show Recapper, to make a push for ROY
- Patton Oswald liked Midtown War Hulk; Tom and Laurie agree with everything except the liking part
- Tom thinks The Hulk stinks and has no hope for The Incredible Hulk; laments Franck Khalfoun's forthcoming remake of Time Bandits starring Andy Milonakis (multiple bandits) and Jamie Kennedy (one bandit)
- Laurie wants someone to confiscate Miley Cyrus's digital camera; Tom wants Laurie to start using an egg timer to limit her consumption of gossip websites
- A caller loves television, but he's sick of Scrubs reruns airing on 10 different networks.
- Heavyweight Supercaller Paycheque in Toronto supports the topic with the first post-mortem entry. He loves Johnny Thunders, but when he's holding a triple-10" collection of Thunders playing with a pick-up band in Buffalo circa 1984 the love dissipates. He. Did it. Again. While Tom thinks Paycheque's countryman will go down in flames with The Love Guru, he is excited to see Jessica Alba try to be funny for the 800th time. Paycheque says we can finally wave the white flag on that experiment following the release of Good Luck Chuck 2. Tom recently spent some time perusing obnoxious Dane Cook video clips, including a visit to a young fan in a hospital with suspiciously high production values. He blesses Cook for his success, but he doesn't believe that he -- or any other beloved comic performer -- should ever remove their shirt and throw it into the crowd as they exit the stage. Tom notes one exception: Hulk Hogan at an open-mic night after doing a solid 20 minutes on the peculiar construction of modern bandanas and prior to beating up John Stossel.
- Greg from Baltimore loves art, but it's getting a little out of hand around his parts. Lee Freeman, a Maryland Institute College of Art student, recently constructed his thesis project in the form of 3,000 feet of gold-painted, chainlink fence enclosing the four squares of Mount Vernon District Park in an attempt to get visitors to reconsider the landmark space from an altered perspective. The fence does not wrap around the park's centerpiece, Baltimore's cooler Washington Monument, which is topped by a statue of George Washington in a toga. Greg says that many residents are up in arms about not being able to enter the park. He just thinks it's a stupid idea. Tom hopes that nobody is actually getting trapped inside the artwork. Greg has spotted some people milling around inside, but they seem to be fellow art students just having a laff. He mentions that the installation includes the Marquis de la Fayette dressed in a clown suit.
Tom summarizes what Greg has told him to make sure he's got it, and Greg confirms Tom's understanding by saying "exactamundo." Tom asks him to never use the term again and takes a few moments to regain his bearings. He then resumes the conversation before he's fully recovered from the surprising urban slang. Greg says posters decrying rich kid art and retitling the park "Mount Vermin" are popping up, indicating that the folly of youth is beckoning World War III. A police commander in Baltimore's Western District also caused a local uproar by joining forces with Freeman to use the enclosure as an experimental "drug-free zone." Tom is sure that some people looking for a nice stroll in the park in the spring weather are going to smash the fence. Greg thinks tensions are indeed reaching the breaking point, especially since the annual Easter egg hunt was thwarted by the precious barrier. The bottom line: Tom doesn't like it.
He's also not a fan of the scene-causing missions of Improv Everywhere because he feels they give the slob employees at retailers like Best Buy an unfair hard time. Tom vows to disrupt future missions with counterattacks he will bill as "Improv Anywhere" routines. He didn't care for the IE Cell Phone Symphony mission, which involved the improv performers checking bags containing cell phones at the Strand Bookstore and then calling said baggage in unison. Tom prefers people to take on bigger targets, such as putting a fence around The White House, man! He does wish that one person gets trapped in the Mount Vernon gold chains: POB electronic musician Dan Deacon. Greg erupts in laughter at this hypothetical confinement since he lives in the building which served as the Wham City collective's living/performance space. Greg thought the artists were pretty cool, but the people who attended the shows thought it was fun to pull the fire alarm at 3:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. Tom wants all of them locked inside the gold fence.
Hartley from St. Paul points out that the baseball version of the yips is often referred to as "Steve Blass Disease" or "Steve Sax Disease," two players who were suddenly unable to make routine throws. He thinks The Best Show yips should be called "Steve from North Hollywood Disease."
Nate loves Chris Walken, but the actor made the mistake of appearing in the famous "More Cowbell" SNL sketch eight years ago. He got sick of it after its comedy shelf life expired and became a meme that people yell out at concerts as a way to unleash a classic "Freebird"-style request while simultaneously professing their love for the comedy stylings of Will Ferrell. In the sketch, Ferrell exuberantly plays the cowbell to elevate BÖC's dynamite sound at Walken's request. Nate says he doesn't like how the sketch's pop culture longevity has steadily encroached on his enjoyment of the quality rock contained in Blue Öyster Cult's discography. He thinks the writers could have achieved the same result with Mountain.
- Terry from Port Jervis, NY:
- Ponders the nature of true love
- Reveals that her boyfriend, Danny, played the jug for the 13th Floor Elevators
- Tom dumps her because she may have used toilet mouth
- Ann from Providence loves the work of Terry Gilliam, but Tideland was rough stuff. She was transfixed. She was disgusted. She was in pain. Tom couldn't bring himself to watch the film. He thinks Ann is 100% right on this one.
- Larry the Perv loves Tom, but he doesn't want to get GOMPed anymore. Tom disobeys his wishes.
- Bob from Burlingame, CA, loves The Simpsons, but 19 seasons is enough. Tom is similarly satiated with the program, comparing its continued existence to a lucrative corporate brand like Coca-Cola. He also thinks it's time for everyone to admit that The Simpsons Movie wasn't that hott. Bob, a self-proclaimed huge Simpsons nerd, says the movie exceeded his low expectation, but still wasn't good.
- Joe from Seattle loves Home Box Office, but he's not into new programs like Tell Me You Love Me, In Treatment, and Sam Adams, a new miniseries about the inventor of ice cream.
- Sonny from JC loves Al Pacino, but he wants a sabbatical from his dyed hair, stupid goatee, and yellin' at Heathuh Graham in subpar films. Tom signals a Home Run call with the scary energy of someone who seems like they would curse, but manages to avoid it.
- Colin from L.A. loves Judd Apatow, but he wants him to ease up on the gas pedal and let things cook a bit more. Tom declines to throw an industry giant under the bus because he wants to avoid a stint on the bread line. He declares his love for Apatow without any reservations.
- Weirder Jon from Maplewood asks Tom to help him decide if he should regret missing "Uncle Floyd" Vivino's recent performance at the Maplewood Library. In short: no. Tom doesn't think Jon's kids would have enjoyed a set of depressing Tin Pan Alley garbage, even if Vivino brought his puppet, "Oogie." He tips his hat to Vivino for having a 45,000-episode run, but he ultimately occupies the middle ground between talentless and really talentless. Tom recommends that Jon either have his kids create their own entertainment or take them to see good attractions. Jon says he was considering the Uncle Floyd show as an opportunity to share a bit of his youth with his kids, but Tom thinks he was being a little tight with the purse strings. He also imagines the horror of people trying to study with old-timey piano and puppet shows clanging around in the background. Jon mentions that the television show generally relied heavily on inside jokes. Tom suspects that the inside jokes have diminished in recent years.
Jon loves MoveOn.org, but the advocacy group is hitting his inbox a little too hard. Tom has the same problem with NewsMax. Jon assumes that MoveOn gave his email address to John Kerry, who continues to send out mass mailings. Tom wants to know what Kerry could possibly want from people in 2008.
- Evan in Providence loves Mike, but the Larry the Perv mentorship is not working out. Tom begins to wonder if Mike is Larry the Perv. In addition to being a master of voices, Mike brings a black office divider every week so Tom cannot see what he is up to when screening calls. Tom asks Evan if he is really Mike. He hangs up without answering.
- Larry the Perv doesn't like John Cougar Mellencamp -- he prefers old-school rock like BÖC and Arrow Smith; attempts to get into the rap have been problematic due to its speed
- "OK, this guy declaring fandom of Blue Oyster Cult is probably worse than the "more cowbell" sketch as far as reputation-ruining goes" - stupornaut on the FOT Chat
- Larry admits an infatuation with Lawree and wants Tom to serve as his matchmakuh
- Tom considers climbing to the roof of WFMU if there's a chance he will get hurt; Larry thinks Tom will be fine if he uses a ladder that is stabily put
- Tom bans Larry for 10 years because the ingrate hung up when Lawree called to talk to him
- Danny from Port Jervis/13th Floor Elevators praises the Lou Reed music break and thinks Tom could write a psychology thesis based on his callers. He says he really loves the show. Tom explains that he lets the good calls play out, but he often has to hang up on the boring ones. He does the latter.
- John from Rock Hill, SC, selects the Swamp Fox, who gave Chuck Cornwallis hell in the Revolutionary War (U.S. = Good Guys, Brits = Baddies), as the pride of his home state. Tom tries to get to the bottom of the John Adams ice cream mystery, but Wikipedia went out of business. Weird! John loves Jack Nicholson, but he thinks it's time for him to shop for a coffin. It's that guy. John, 23, is forgoing alcohol tonight, and he clarifies that he does not live with his parents. Tom adopts the ghoul voice for the first installment of "Coffin Talk." He asks listeners to let him know who needs to start scoping out potential funeral boxes. Tom starts things off by sending Gen. Cornwallis to battle the salesmen at Coffin 'N Doughnuts in Grosvenor Commons. He reminds everyone that there are three requirements for calling during this segment:
1. Located in your bedroom
2. Drinking a cold beer
3. End of a hard day
- Brendan in Oklahoma:
Coffin Shopper: None due to confusion about whether Tom was saying "coughin'" or "coffin."
- Michalia in CT:
1. No (Car)
Coffin Shopper: A vampire. Tom doesn't get it.
- Frank in Weehawken:
Coffin Shopper: Undecided / perusing Coffin.com
- Sean from Toronto:
2. Yes (PBR on the go)
3. Yes (3/4 complete)
Coffin Shopper: Larry the Perv
- Martin in Edison
1. No (Computer Room)
2. No (Room-temp seltzer)
3. No (Unemployed)
Coffin Shopper: All members of Hanson (Zach, Taylor, and the other one) in one supersized container
- Steve in Colonia:
Coffin Shopper: President Bush. Tom disapproves.
- Chris in Brooklyn:
2. No (see below)
Coffin Shopper: His roommate, Joe, who refuses to give him a cold beer in exchange for $1. Tom gets Joe on the phone and gives him two options: hand over a cold beer or go shop for a coffin.
- Prince from the FOT Chat:
2. Yes (Labatt 50)
Coffin Shopper: Prince (the music guy with the records), Lou Reed, and Moby. Tom adds Prince from the FOT Chat to the shopping excursion.
- Amy from Parts Unknown:
2. Yeah, man
Coffin Shopper: Hippies, man. Tom tells Amy to go shop for a coffin because she used toilet mouth.
- Nate from St. Paul:
Coffin Shopper: Eminem (oversized coffin due to recent weight gain)
- Paul from Rockaway:
Coffin Shopper: Everybody
- Ed from Stanhope:
1. No (Dark basement)
Coffin Shopper: Dick Clark
- Terry from Port Jervis:
Coffin Shopper: Wal-Mart (added her grave-digging ex-husband in a subsequent call)
- Chad from Coffin.com wants Tom to continue the segment because his hits are going through the roof. Tom gets rid of him due to stupidity. He announces that everyone will earn a discount at Chad's website as long as they are drinking a cold beer after a hard day.
- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville:
Coffin Shopper: Dick Cheney. Tom disapproves. He thinks Dave showed him how stupid he was by not being privy to the nature of the segment.
Roundup of additional Coffin Shoppers: Obese Americans, Tom, Vampire Weekend, the "Coffin Talk" segment, overbearing boss, the guy who mentioned Vampire Weekend ("The Strokes with strings"), Det. James McNulty, and the people who sold out the victims of the Bearn Stearns turf-out and the Katrina crisis.
- Jeff Tweedy from Wilco calls to run through his band's catalog. After their alt-country debut, A.M., the they shifted into darker, experimental pop on Being There before finding their synth-pop groove with subsequent releases. Tweedy says his publicist informed him that Tom bashed some of his work on the air. Tom says goodbye to Jeff Tweedy. He thinks a radio teacher would give tonight's show an F.
- Fancy Mike from the Upper West Side wants Tom to bring in Jimmy Crespo for an interview. Tom loses Fancy Mike.
- Victoria from South Carolina calls to get Tom's advice on a relationship dilemma. While she has a boyfriend, she also has a strong desire to have a love-making session with another woman. Tom cannot respond because he is not the host of Loveline. He thinks there are already enough outlets for these kinds of discussions. Tom wants kids to be able to enjoy a double feature of The Best Show paired with Horton Hears a Who!. He's aiming for a soft-G rating.
- Ross in Markham, IL, calls from the middle of a pep rally via an old-timey megaphone. Tom asks him how long Markham has been around. Ross says he recalls the city turning 50 years old in the 1970s and tells Tom to do the math. Tom GOMPs him.
- Susannah calls to say hello to Mike, so Tom tries to do an impression of him. It sounds nothing like him, and Susannah is not fooled.
Tom is ready to get some shelf space at Barnes & Nobles:
Coming Soon: Mike's WFMU lidblower and Tom's nephew's Tell Me You Love Me Season 1 Episode Guide.
A parting clip for Michael K (see ya in 2013!):
I love classical!!!!!!!!!!!!