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All Things Must Pass.

"Let's get this over with." -- Tom, deciding to get the party started after a 47-minute opening music set
"Oh, good. Drinking and radio don't mix." -- Julie, approving of Tom's sobriety
"I made fun of Mark & Mindy? You didn't like that? You didn't find my Mark & Mindy joke funny?" -- Tom, inquiring about Jerry from Boulder's rejection of his ribbing
"You don't sleep. You don't sleep! Stay haunted! You stay haunted by it! You don't think I'm haunted? I got the weight of the world on my shoulders!" -- Tom, unleashing a directive for a littlehearted boy
"The grandmother was irascible." -- Sleepy Jeff on Mindy's guff-averse music store boss
"I do, yeah, and then I'm fit as a fiddle for the rest of the day." -- Sleepy Jeff, touting the benefits of his 22.5 hours of shut-eye
"Oh my God, that's sick." -- Sleepy Jeff, appalled by Tom's meager 6 hours/night
"A guy can talk on the phone and drive at the same time -- I've got two knees." -- Sleepy Jeff, assuring Tom that he is still driving the bus
"They had that, yes, but they also did something in that that resulted in me." -- Jeep Cherokee Wilson, noting his parents unnatural "bangathon" in his namesake vehicle
"He looks so normal that he doesn't look human. That's how I picture Roger looking." -- J.C. Wilson, comparing Mike's appearance to the crime sketch of hijacker D.B. Cooper
"I mean, the things you could see." -- J.C. Wilson, pointing out a self-inflammatory advantage of being 3' 1''
"He ain't in the pros no more? What he gonna do now?" -- J.C. Wilson, pondering the future of the cocaine-addled slugger Barry Barnes
"What about the one that said you were gonna die during your show?" -- J.C. Wilson, asking Tom about the veracity of the vision of his death-by-harpooning
"Think about it. That's my art! Think about it. That's my installation." -- Tom, urging Erika from Baltimore to look deeper into his imminent death from side-splitting pain
"It's not the topic! You guys can't make up topics! Put 'em forth. 'Yeah, I heard the topic.' That's not the topic. You go call Herbie's house if you wanna to talk about first-world problems. That's not the topic. How dare you. Herbie. Guy's name's Herbie." -- Tom, fed up with a Philadelphia duo's attempts to run the show
"Wait'll you hear that one, Mike. 10:44, you're in for a big laugh. Brace yourself. Just get ready. You're probably still hearing when Jeep called right now, but some good stuff on the way." -- Tom, giving advance notice of some Tommert-based amusements
"You got James'd! YOU GOT JAMES'D! I JAMES'D JAMES! HOW'DYA LIKE THEM APPLES?! Actually, apples are not my favorite fruit, BUT NOW THEY ARE! YOU GOT JAMES'D, JAMES! YOU GOT JAMES'D!" -- Tom, turning the tables on the toupee-wearing troublemaker
"How could you pass on that combo: Schwimmer! Michael Ian Black!" -- Tom, questioning Paul from Staten Island's reluctance to pay to see Run, Fat Boy, Run at Hylan Boulevard's luxurious moviehouse
"Remember, Tom. Remember, Tom. Remember. Sunrise doesn't last all morning, Tom. Sunrise doesn't last all morning. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember that. All thing must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember ..." -- Tom, blowing the clouds away


[TBSOWFMU - 4/1/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


Stevie Blue & Martina McBride - "I Left My Chocolate-Covered Heart in the Foothills of Los Altos"

( Click here to visit KFJC)

Psychedelic Horse s hit - "Rather Dull"

( Click here to buy Magic Flowers Droned)

Didjits - "Headless" (Dickies cover)

( Click here to buy the F the Pigs 7")

The Black and Whites - "Carlsbad"

( Click here to buy The Black and Whites)

Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds - "Bucket O' Trouble"

( Click here to buy Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds)

The Individuals - "Dancing With My Eighty Wives"

( Click here to pre-order the Fields / Aqua Marine reissue)

Dumptruck - "Wire" (dedicated to the departed The Wire section of the FOT Board)

( Click here to buy For The Country)

The Raymond Brake - "Philistine"

( Click here to buy Piles of Dirty Winters)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:



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Tom's stuck inside the submarine sans IM, and he's ready to do some scat singing. Mike is listening to the broadcast on a 45-minute delay, but he's still screening like a madmin. Technical issues galore! 15 minutes of Oneida pulsations! Sir Paul and George! Hey! Ho! Let's a recap.



- Julie from Cincinnati thinks Tom sounds kinda drunk, but The Kid has not been drinking. She's glad he abstained because she's living proof that alcohol and radio can be a toxic combination. Julie says she recently turned over a new leaf: no more overdrinking on Tuesday evenings. She will now limit herself to moderate consumption. Tom thinks this is a fair enough plan of action.

Julie wonders if Tom's extended music set was part of an April Fool's Day joke. Tom says he was simply expressing his love of music. Julie loves it, too, and she bonds with Tom over their Madonna fandom. They reveal their favorite Madonna song at the count of 3 and both pick "Lucky Star." Julie thinks it may have been downhill from there. Tom starts another countdown for their second favorite, and they sync up again with "Borderline." Julie wonders if there will be a topic tonight and asks for permission to call back if she's still awake. Tom usually restricts Julie to one call per show, but he gives her the eternal greenlight for tonight's program. Julie now likes Tom better than Mike the Associate Producer, although she can't deny that he's a very likable Good Guy. Julie says she will either go to bed in 20 minutes or call back 20 times. Tom explains that he awarded the reprieve because it's a fun night and Julie sounds weirdly sober.

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- Laurie from Miami calls from the trenches of mockingbird mating season. She reports that the males start serenading the ladies around midnight by mimicking car alarms, cell phones, and car-door beeps like the guy from the cop movie. I was pretty sure Laurie was referring to Jason Patric in Narc, but it was actually Michael Winslow from the Police Academy series. While the wooing sounds can be pretty, Laurie says they begin to lose their appeal when they last until 2:40 a.m. She is reluctant to venture outside to scare him away because she doesn't want to cloaca-block the little fella. Tom thinks the avian slang for thwarting a potential love-making session is sick. He GOMPs Laurie.

This call reminded me of the time I taught a particularly spirited mockingbird (I named him "Beechy") the entire Minor Threat catalog and joined him on kazoo for a pretty solid cover of "Bottled Violence." I sent a recording of the performance to Lyle Preslar and Don Zientara, but those ash oles never responded. I initially felt bad for the bird because his calls went unrequited, but he told me that he was dedicated to the sXe lifestyle. He explained that he just loved music and mating season provided his biggest stage. After some well-received backing chirps on Smart Went Crazy's Now We're Even long-player and a successful show at the Black Cat opening for The Monorchid, I helped him sign a deal with TAG Recordings in early 1996. Beechy was dropped after missing three straight deadlines and defecating on an A&R guy's head during a photoshoot for press kit materials. I found him on Facebook a few months ago and was thrilled to see that he finally earned a law degree from American University last fall!

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- Jerry in Boulder calls to discuss something that's been bothering him about his I Love You, But- entry during last week's show. He launched into a whole rigmarole about how former GBV frontman Robert Pollard talks too much on stage, even though a torn calf muscle and chronic tummy aches have kept the Fading Captain out of action for the past three years. Jerry says that Tom broke his little-boy heart by mocking him for keeping his displeasure with Bob's rants inside for so long. Tom caused additional heart breakage (also a side-effect of Kern's retooled Prozorc08®) by following up with a joke about Jerry working a shift at the Mark & Mindy museum. Tom seems surprised that Jerry wasn't amused by his Mark & Mindy quip. Jerry thinks Tom needs to get real if he's going to knock him about the shelf-life of his complaint because Mark & Mindy signed off 25 years ago.

Jerry thought Tom seemed annoyed about his tardy GBV comments. Tom says he was just taken aback by how angry he seemed about the stage banter. Jerry says he was just issuing some constructive criticism so Pollard could improve the live experience for fans. Tom notes that Pollard could address Jerry's concerns if and when he emerges from retirement. Jerry assumed that Pollard still performed live because he released a solo album last year. Tom says he actually released one last week and another one (Don't Speak Ill of Your Volunteer Barging Department ft. Don Thrasher on all instruments) during this call. Jerry says he just wanted to call to get things off his chest about his call last week about getting something off his chest. He hopes that he will now be able to sleep at night. Tom orders him to remain sleepless and haunted because he continues to face the same conditions from having the weight of the world on his shoulders.

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- A caller says he likes the way Mark & Mindy depicted the plight of an alien humorously adjusting to human behavior. In an eggshell, he appreciated Mark's ability to integrate himself into a new society in the Boulder suburbs after arriving from Ork. The caller fondly remembers Mark's frequent trips to Mindy's music store, which was run by her father, Fred, and her irascible grandmother, Cora. Tom also observed that Cora did not take much stuff. The caller points out that Mark concluded each episode by contacting his home planet to talk about what he's been learning about Earth. He thought he spoke to a man named Gorlock, but Tom is pretty sure it was Orson. The caller wants Tom to ask call screener Troy to settle the dispute about the identity of Mark's Orkan supervisor. Tom discovers that Mike has left the studio.

Tom hears a weird sound, and the caller says he was dozing off in keeping with his nickname of "Sleepy Jeff." Tom thinks a great time to doze off is while calling a radio show. SJ says he used to doze all the time, even while running the mile in high school track meets. Tom assumes he finished last in the races, and SJ wonders if Tom saw him run. Tom says he just thought it was likely that competitors who stayed awake would eventually pass him. SJ says he used to drive a school bus before he got fired, and Tom guesses that he fell asleep at the wheel. SJ says he actually dozed off while ascending the steps to get into the driver's seat on his first day on the job. He never even got to turn the ignition. SJ says he was able to stay awake for years until he got some free lip balm samples at Das Sieben Und Der Elf, a German-run convenience store that popped up last year in the Newbridge area. SJ tried one tube and then could not stop trying them. The lip balm in question was, of course, Blue, the local downer of choice initially distributed by an Austrian night nurse at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. SJ starts to fade because he just applied some.

Before he falls asleep, SJ throws his bed hat into the ring for ... the ... New ... bridge May you .. be the torial election. Tom thinks this is exciting news. SJ says his platform will focus on helping people improve their sleeping habits. He was inspired by an alarming 60 Minutes lidblower about how kids fail to get a sufficient amount of sleep. SJ believes that we all need at least 18 hours/day, and he exceeds that thanks to Blue. Tom guesses that SJ gets 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 hours before finally hitting it with 22.5. SJ says that his sleep schedule keeps him as fit as a fiddle for the rest of his 90-minute day. He generally fills the time by watching television shows like Tyra Mark & Mindy. SJ believes he just provided the perfect example of a full-circle call. Tom congratulates him on joining the race.



SJ plans to have a really, really, really late-night Pancake Kickoff/Sleep-Off to introduce himself to voters. Tom isn't interested in the event. SJ is disappointed because he hoped that Tom would agree to serve as his campaign spokesperson. He thinks Tom's soothing, sleep-inducing voice would be an asset to his candidacy. SJ says he often listens to Tom's iPod Pod-pod-podpodcast to help him fall asleep. Tom starts yawning as a result of SJ's sleepy talk. SJ thinks this is a positive byproduct of his call because sleep is good for you. Tom says he got 6.5 hours last night, and SJ thinks that is sick. He wants Tom to ask call screener Ben about his sleep tally. Mike says he logged 7 hours, and SJ thinks that is also sick. Tom is becoming increasingly tired, so SJ requests a pick-me-up record to get his blood going again. He thinks The Band's folky travelogue, "The Weight", will do the trick.

Tom is reluctant to spin the tune because The Band are not one of his favorite groups. SJ thinks that regardless of Tom's feelings about The Band's discography, he would have to agree that this particular song is likely to get one's blood pumping. He gives Tom the option of playing "New Kid in Town" by The Eagles. Tom thinks these songs are too low-tempo, but SJ says they seem loud and fast when he listens to them from his bed. He's also willing to accept Diana Ross's theme from Mahogany. Tom says that he's getting more exhausted just thinking about these songs. SJ makes a final attempt to rile Tom with the first part of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes". Tom confirms that this is the section before Townshend and Moon kick things into gear. SJ says he doesn't like the energetic portion of the song.

At this point Tom's yawning is making SJ so tired that he may have to pull over. He's driving a tourist bus on the way back from taking a group of 12- and 13-year-olds to Washington, D.C. to see all the sights. Tom questions his decision to talk on the phone while driving, but SJ thinks it's fine because he can drive the bus with his knees. Tom thinks this is a terrible steering strategy. SJ says he has the phone in his right hand while his left hand dangles his cig out the window. He is only able to keep one eye open due to his exhaustion. Tom thinks it's horribly unsafe, but SJ says it's fun for the kids, who are all asleep because he gave them something: Blue. Tom think it's criminal to provide drugs to young schoolchildren. SJ assures him that the kids are having fun. He disputes the drug charge because Blue is available over the counter ... at one store. Tom says it's still an illegal product, and SJ wants Tom to define "illegal". Tom explains that there are existing laws on the books and these actions defy those laws. SJ does't seem convinced, but he is about to do something that he knows is illegal. He is preparing to pass three slow-moving vehicles on the left, which will force him into oncoming traffic in the opposite lane for a second. Tom doesn't think he can manage this delicate maneuver in a school bus. SJ thinks he can and then screams "Oh my God!" before hanging up.

- Geep from Indianapolis calls to ask Tom some questions about the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008. He says he got his nickname back in high school when his teacher starting calling him by his initials, G.P. It was eventually shortened to Geep. Tom thinks it may be time to let it go. Geep, who is an unfortunate 42, says some family members are still clinging to the abbreviated moniker. Tom decides to refer to him by his given name, Greg, for the remainder of the call. Greg asks Tom if he got the letter from the IRS about the tax rebate checks. He says he might get $600, but he hasn't seen it yet. Tom tells him that he thinks the checks will be sent out in June. Geep was hoping to get the money sooner than that. Tom thinks this is a fascinating discussion. He's glad that Geep turned to him instead of the people who sent him the letter. Tom GOMPs him. Mike will enjoy the swift dismissal in 45 minutes.

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- A caller says that Geep stole his thunder because he was going to ask Tom the same question about the rebate notice. Tom doesn't understand why anyone would ask him about that. He didn't get the money, and he doesn't think any other Americans did, either. The caller asks Tom to stop yelling at him. Tom says he's just baffled that two consecutive callers would want to consult him about tax policy. The caller says it's even odder than that because his name is also Jeep. His full birth name is Jeep Cherokee Wilson, and Tom correctly guesses that Jeep's parents owned his namesake. Jeep says they had a "bangathon" in the car, and he was the result of that session. Tom doesn't like that terminology. Jeep says it's usually a natural act, although not necessarily the way his parents did it from what he has heard of the fateful night. Tom asks him to stop. He also doesn't want to talk about the tax refund, but Jeep thinks it's pretty interesting. He asks Tom if he expects to get a check.

Tom interrupts the tax talk to mention that the wife of Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker said in the chat that he played mostly not-great music tonight for the first 45 minutes. Jeep agrees that the stuff Tom plays is terrible. He didn't hear tonight's opening set, but he guesses that Tom played some funny song that he makes fun of even though the person who wrote it didn't intend it to be funny. Jeep thinks that is what Tom usually does. Tom says he never does that. Jeep bets that Tom played something from his beloved Big Dippers. Tom tells him that the band is called Big Dipper. Jeep wants Tom to ask call screener Ted for the correct band name. Tom doesn't understand why people can't get his name right. Jeep says Mike is kind of forgettable. He then tells Rick that he was just kidding and repeats "Mike" 10 times to help it sink in. Tom never thought he was that forgettable because he seems to make a good, lasting impression on everybody he meets.

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Jeep imagines that Mike looks like the crime sketch of D.B. Cooper, the aircraft hijacker who jumped from a Boeing 727 flying over the Pacific Northwest on November 24, 1971 and then disappeared. He says that Cooper's face looks so normal that he appears somewhat non-human. Jeep thinks that Roger fits that description. As Tom searches online for D.B. Cooper, Jeep mentions that he was in the news today because some people who were doing the devil's business in Washington state found what may be his tangled parachute within the parameters of the probably jump site. Tom locates Coop picture and agrees that he's pretty average looking -- almost like a robot. Jeep thinks it looks like call screener Todd. Tom says Mike does not look like D.B. Cooper. Jeep insists that he does and puts Mike's height at either 5' 1" or 4' 11'. He believes that he can also guess Tom's height based on his voice, not considering the octave drop from his use of the VoiceMod® DeepTone 500. Tom denies using the device. Jeep asks him not to do that because they are practically friends at this point. He thinks it's time for Tom to come clean because everybody knows it. Jeep is not near a computer, but he bets that if Tom looked at the FOT Chat right now everybody would be chiming in on how he uses a modulator. Tom scans the chat and does not see any such comments. Jeep insists that people are chatting about his artificial voice.

He thinks Tom is probably in the vicinity of 3' 10". Tom tells him that it would be fine if he was that short, but he's not. Jeep isn't so sure that it would be acceptable. He thinks it would depend on how Tom lived his life. Jeep points out that a man of that size would be able to see certain things. Tom doesn't want to explore Jeep's mind any further to get the specifics. Jeep says that Tom could get a job as a security guy at a women's clothing store. Tom senses trouble ahead, but he does want hear where this is going. Jeep thinks his employment advice is pretty self-inflammatory. He explains that "self-inflammatory" is a term that describes something that doesn't require further explanation to understand. Tom thinks the correct term is self-explanatory. Jeep disagrees.

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Jeep is excited about the start of a new baseball season. He asks Tom if he heard that Barry Barnes is no longer a member of the San Francisco Giants. Tom says the player in question is Barry Bonds. Jeep clarifies that he is referring to the all-time home run leader. Tom tells him that the slugger's last name is Bonds. Jeep repeats that he don't play for the Giants no more and wants to know what team signed him for the 2008 campaign. Tom doesn't think he's in the pros no more. Jeep wonders what he gonna do now and asks Tom to asses the prospects for Barnes to line up some product endorsements. Tom thinks commercial work will be light at best. Jeep says he asked because Barnes's his reputation may be a little tainted after his cocaine use came to light. Tom informs Jeep that Barnes has never been accused of doing cocaine. Jeep says that he used coke to get big. Tom informs him that Barnes is alleged to have taken steroids to increase his size. Jeep says that he got big from doing cocaine .. and steroids. Tom thinks that sounds like a terrifying combination. Jeep says he would climb the highest tree he could find and do push-ups and pull-ups on one of the branches after he mixed the drugs.



Tom recommends that Jeep avoid the dangerous workout location and stop enhancing his body with chemicals. Jeep says he doesn't do that stuff anymore because it's sick. He has switched to a completely natural supplement called Reggae pills. The pills got their name because they are red, green, and yellow like the Reggae flag. Tom tells Jeep that it's the flag of Jamaica. Jeep says he's referring to the Reggae flag with a lion that was designed by Bob Marley. Tom disagrees about the flag's creator, but he doesn't want to continue the debate. Jeep says that Marley is also responsible for his dreadlocks. He wears them because Marley invented them and he owns the Greatest Hits compilation, Legend. Tom tells Jeep that dreadlocks are a natural follicle occurrence that pre-dates Bob Marley. Jeep expected Tom to cite Adam Duritz from the Crow Counters as the drealock originator. Jeep says he likes Duritz and his music. Tom doesn't like his music at all, and he thought he came off like a sadsack in a recent Rolling Stone article. Jeep likes that magazine, which he shortens to just R Stone. Jeep reminds Tom that Duritz was woohoo with some hott ladies from television, most notably Jennifer Anistone and Karen Cox. Tom says it's Courtney Cox. Jeep calls Tom stupid because he doesn't seem to know anything.



Jeep asks Tom what he did for April Fool's. Tom didn't do anything, and neither did Jeep. Jeep tells Tom to ask Kevin what he did. Mike says he didn't do anything. Jeep wants to get Tom's take on the upcoming Zep tour that will include a show at The Garden. Tom confirms that he's referring to the English band Led Zeppelin. Jeep says some fans of rock music reduce the band's name to Zep. Tom is familiar with the abbreviation, and he wants to know where Jeep heard about the tour itinerary. Jeep said he read about it an hour ago online. He asks Tom what's up with the constant Inquisition-grade questioning. Tom says he heard nothing about it and suspects it's an April Fool's Day joke. Jeep thinks it's true because the band did play a show last December in London with Jason Barnham filling in for his father on drums. Barnham can't do the full tour, so he will be replaced by Victor DeLorenzo. Tom is not familiar with him, but Jeep thinks he knows his work. He gives him a taste by performing the intro to "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes. Tom immediately starts laughing because the notion that the drummer for that band would peform with Led Zeppelin is the dumbest thing he's ever heard. Jeep wants to know who Tom thinks the band should get. Tom suggests someone who doesn't play a snare and bass drum. Jeep says it's actually called a trampoplaphone, which is kind of like a cross between a snare drum and a keg. He can't wait to hear DeLorenzo go wild on "In the Evening" and bang on the keg for 20 minutes during the "Moby Dick" solo.

Tom refuses to believe it, but Jeep thinks it's true because it was published on the Web. Tom tells him not to believe anything he reads today because people are pulling all kinds of pranks. Jeep asks Tom about the validity of the story predicting that he would die during his show. He says he heard about that one in his mind when he saw it plain as day. Tom thinks it's terrible. Jeep thinks Tom is terrible and predicts that he will experience the same clear vision of his own demise. He claims that he attached suction cups to his feet (and hands) and did a Spider-Man crawl up to Tom's fourth-floor window. Tom is unable to spot him. Jeep says he also has a harpoon launcher on his back. Tom finally sees something moving -- it's Jeep's harpoon glistening in the moonlight. Jeep begins screaming, presumably tumbling off the exterior of the Magic Factory. If only he heeded Larry the Perv's advice from last week and stabily put a ladder against the side of the building. Tom asks Mike to go outside and check on Jeep. He refuses. Tom begins experiencing a pain in his side that he fears is the result of another k-stone. He vows to shop for a coffin and follow Jeep off the roof is he's stricken with another round of that. Tom soothes himself with a two-minute whistling interlude. Said Tom, take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine. All Mike needs is a little patience, and he'll eventually hear this.

- Brock in Portland, OR, calls to request Eat Skull's "Dead Families." Tom doesn't have that 7" record on hand.

- Arthur calls from Murray, Kentucky, a city whose residents are known for their inability to turn down their radios when calling live broadcasts of the shows coming out of said radios. He's no different, but he's able to quickly remedy the distracting echo effect. Arthur gives an update on the WFMU pledge karma that yielded an additional 75 free .mp3s on eMusic. He was browsing the site's inventory while listening to The Best Show, which inspired him to type "Scharpling & [stricken]" into the search field. Oh, Arthur. Tom can't talk about that.

- Julie from Cincinnati calls back to express concern that Tom may be committed for seeing things that aren't really there. After a brief pause, Julie informs her husband that Tom hung up on her. He didn't hang up! He was listening! Ha ha! Tom believes he is aboard a death ship.

- Rachel calls to thank Tom for ruining her three-month marriage with last week's "Coffin Talk" segment. She says that their domestic bliss dissolved after her weak-willed husband kept telling her to go shop for a coffin. She didn't appreciate the morbid initiative and left him. Tom wonders what would posses someone to constantly direct their spouse to shop for such an item. Rachel says it was in response to her ban on cold beers following a hard day at work. Tom thinks it sounds like a great marriage.



- Herbie calls from Philadelphia, and Tom guesses his former zip code as a student at Temple University. He graduated last semester with a degree in Art History and Philosophy. Herbie has visited the Philadelphia Museum of Art, so Tom asks him if it features any artwork other than the outdoor Rocky statue. Herbie says the museum displays additional Sylvester Stallone memorabilia inside the building. Tom thinks that sounds cool. He asks Herbie what people have against him to saddle him with such a nickname. Herbie says they have nothing against him. Tom wonders what can be done about Herbie, but for now he just wants him to proceed.

Herbie mentions the concept of "first-world problems", essentially a different term for Tom's oft-mentioned "rich people's problems", such as Paul from Nashville's debate about which exotic locale was most appropriate for his "bar trip." Tom believes that people in wealthy, industrialized nations can deal with most of their day-to-day issues if they take a moment to consider their relative comfort compared to the rest of the world. Herbie asks Tom to provide an example of one of his first-world problems, but The Kid's not prepared to go under the microscope. He turns the tables and asks Herbie to name one since he brought it up. Herbie thinks Tom will enjoy the fact that he gets excited every time someone says "wire" on The Best Show because he mistakenly thinks they are referring to the awesome punk band instead of the Home Box Office drama. Tom performs a snippet of Wire's very faithful cover of Elastica's "Connection" and asks Herbie if he saw Wire's brief cameo as drug dealers in season 3. I couldn't find it on YouTube, but Bob Gotobed's exchange with Tom Haulk is one of the funniest scenes in the entire series.

Herbie is having some difficulty landing a job in a museum, library, or gallery, so Tom suggests earning some cash as a street busker singing Wire's "Pink Flag" with backing tracks playing on a boom box. While this form of entertainment is historically more lucrative in NYC, Herbie thinks he may be able to corner the market in Philadelphia. He suspects the band's electronica-influenced, late-1980s output may have wider appeal than their rougher punk tunes, but Tom argues that people should be forced to confront the full force of their art. He bids Herbie goodnight.

- John in Boulder admits that he's a little embarrassed that his fellow Coloradoan (Coloradian?) is ashamed of Mark & Mindy. Tom doesn't get it because it's a funny show. John even bought a pair of Mark's trademark rainbow suspenders to express his enjoyment of his antics. He asks Tom if he thinks the return of the long-dormant Open Phone Tuesday has been a success. Tom doesn't see how anyone could think otherwise, especially with Good Guys like Jon on the line. John says this show would still rate a "W" if the old scoring system came back, but Tom believes it's a purebred "L" coated with primer and then two coats of paint on it. The verdict renders John speechless. Tom starts scatting again!

- Supercaller Erika from Baltimore calls with an update on Greg's report about the gold fence that was masquerading as an "art exhibit" around the perimeter of the Mount Vernon District Park in the downtown area. The enclosure was the drainchild of art student Lee Freeman, who was attempting to create a piece of literal outsider art by forcing residents to consider their neighborhood park as a place they could no longer access. Tom is not surprised to learn that the artist hails from New York with similarly-inclined parents who sold one of his pieces when he was nine years old. Viority reported last week that Barry Levinson plans to make a documentary about Freeman called My Kid Could Fence That In and Ruin Your Weekend. Tom thinks Freeman should be ashamed for depriving residents of enjoying a place they fund with their tax dollars. Erika says a new exhibition showing through May involves sweeping all the surrounding refuse into a large garbage can at the base of the Washington Monument. Who's doing this one? Nick from Family Ties?

Tom recommends that local officials push all the artists out of the city. Erika attended art school and gets what they are doing, but Tom thinks their comment on the city's problems lacks anything resembling an insightful creative vision. He wonders if anything can be done to improve the increasingly sick world we live in. Erika asks Tom how his side is feeling, and the news is not good. The pain persists and is now restricting his ability to breathe. Tom ponders the possibility that this could be his last show. Erika doesn't even want to think about that, but Tom wants her to confront his croaking because this would be his art installation.

- Matt from Philadelphia calls to offer some more first-world problems. He says he's friends with Herbie and heard the topic. Tom informs him that they can't just make up topics and run with them. He tells Matt to call Herbie's house if he wants to chat about first-world problems. Tom still can't believe that guy's name is Herbie.







- Martin in Edison calls to find out what is going on with the 91.1 MHz radio frequency. Tom prefers to just move on. Martin doesn't have anything else to add to the conversation.

- James says he's loving the new format, and Tom asks him if he's willing to stay on the phone for the next 45 minutes. James agrees to make that sacrifice as long as Tom hands him the reigns. However, before the transition takes place James Jameses Tom and hangs up. Mike begins bracing himself for what he'll hear in 25 minutes.

- Sleepy Tommert mumbles from Florida to provide more delayed amusements for Mike, who is still enjoying the call from Jeep Cherokee Wilson. Tom estimates that the big laffs will reach him around 10:44 p.m. He asks listeners to call with their review of Superhero Movie.

- A caller who is new to "the area" says he finds the show kinda fascinating because there is a complete surprise around every corner. Tom lets him go after he fails to provide any specifics about where he's calling from.

- Greg calls from Tom's part of the world to ask him if they are out in San Francisco right now. Tom doesn't know.

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- Deena calls to ask Tom if he likes pears. Tom says they are not his favorite fruit, but he does like them. Deena thinks it's a shame because pears are her favorite fruit. Tom thinks that's a shame. He asks Deena to guess his favorite fruit, and she misfires on bananas, oranges, and calamari. Tom is confused by the last one because it is a dish comprised of fried squid. Deena claims that calamari is considered a fruit in certain parts of Europe. Tom now realizes that she's referring to Frutti de Mare (aka "Fruit of the Sea"), a seafood mélange that is popular along the Italian coast. He informs Deena that calamari is not his favorite frutti. Deena needs some hints, so she asks Tom if the fruit is something that grows in the garden or appears on the street. Tom says his fruit of choice is not discarded cigarette butts. Deena admits that it would be foolish to consume these poisonous stumps.

Earlier today Tom spotted a mess of a woman walking down the street while smoking, and he thinks it's time to start spreading the news that smoking is bad for you. Deena is on board with the PSA, which could prove especially beneficial for people who frequent Joan Jett concerts. She does not attend them, but they remind her of people who have been smoking for some time. Deena tells Tom that if he thinks about it hard enough he will be able to envision a typical Joan Jett fan as a smoker. He tries it, but he can't quite conjure the image. Deena tells Tom to picture an old leather face from lots of smoke over years, thin, stringy hair breaking off, and long, bony fingers dyed yellow. At this point Tom suspects that Deena is really John Cale 's sister, Joan, reading from "The Gift 2." He GOMPs her.

- A caller asks Tom if he's still soliciting opinions on Superhero Movie. He says that he kinda likes all those crazy spoof-em-ups. Tom says his favorite character was James. He did it! Tom James'd James. He wonders how James likes them apples, which are now his favorite fruit since he referenced them in the context of putting the little worm back in his place. Tom bets that James's cheap toupee is spinning around on his bald head. He thinks the ASPCA should investigate this hairpiece. Tom also advises James to start shopping for an adult-sized toupee to replace the miniature model he purchased at age 13.

- Tommert returns with Mike's sound advice to splash some cold water on his face. Tom agrees with this remedy for his lethargy and wonders what is wrong with the low-energy youth of today. Tommert says he opted for the more soothing warm water treatment because he thinks it's better to just chill out. Tom yells into Mike's screening lair to tell him that Tommert did not follow his prescription. He just wants Tommert to WAKE UP.

- The very alert Josh in Miami calls just as the FOT chat freezes to complete the rare trifecta of technical gaffes. He says he just wanted to say hello and discuss his recent sighting of someone reading Chris Mooney's The Republican War on Science. Josh points out that it's the kind of book where he can absorb the entire thesis just from reading the title on the cover. Meanwhile, this poor slob is investing hours to pour over 342 pages. Tom hears Mike having a laff party over the thing he did 11 minutes ago. He understands Josh's quick conclusion that it is a sneaky, judgmental tome. Josh hopes that Tom's book will not be like that, but it will. Tom whispers a message to Mike to thank him for being Associate Producer so he will have a nice treat awaiting him on the audio stream. Josh tells Mike that he belongs in the Hall of Fame, and Tom asks Josh not to push it. Mike's already enshrined! Class of 2007!

- Laird Larry in Kansas City calls to refute his wife's claims that she left him over his incessant requests for a coffin shopping trip. He says that was the first he had heard about her departure. Tom wonders if this is the second half of a his-'n'-hers comedy bit. (As far as those go, this was certainly nowhere near the level of Fred and Gertrude.) Larry confirms that they wed three months ago in a ceremony held at his parents' house. He says they are still waiting to receive photograph proof. Tom's done with this story. Mike finally hears the message Tom recorded for him during breakfast.

Tom decides to skip the forthcoming Google Phone in favor of the AskJeeves Phone so he can talk to people living in 2003.

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- An unidentified ghost from Afterlife, NJ, accidentally calls The Best Show instead of "Coast-to-Coast with George Noory." As long as they are on the line, Tom asks to speak to escape artist Harry Houdini to discuss some of his amazing tricks. The caller is unable to find him, so Tom requests a chat with baseball HOFer Ty Cobb to get his take on the modern era of his sport. The ghost perks up and suspects that Cobb thinks baseball sucks. Tom makes a final attempt at booking a special guest: comedian Foster Brooks. Nothing. The ghost goes poof. Tom asks Larry the Perv to call because his stylings are just what this show needs. After a brief exchange about the extreme heat of recent $mall ¢hange sets, a caller pretends to be from The Other Side. Tom thinks the fakery is an insult to all legitimate ghosts.

- James calls to reclaim the Jamesing lead, but Tom James's James a-back-to-back and a-belly-to-belly, Sterling-stylee.

- Paul from Staten Island calls for another stroll down Hylan Boulevard, and this time Tom visits the Stahbucks inside the Ultimate Stop N Shop. He's not interested in drinking a $5.50 coffee while sitting in the flower department with customers whizzing by him with carts full of paper towels. Tom believes the hefty price tag is supposed to include a more pleasant experience.

Since there is no official topic, Paul asks Tom if he thinks it's worth plunking down the cash to see the new Simon Pegg vehicle, Run, Fat Boy, Run. Tom hasn't seen the film, but he can't imagine anyone passing up the surefire cinematic combo of David Schwimmer and Michael Ian Black. He decides not to pre-judge it and asks Paul to see it on his behoff at the scary theater that is still showing One Missed Call and Be Kind Rewind (10,000 BC coming in May). Paul recently mentioned that he was horrified to spot a three-year-old in a stroller at a Freddy vs. Jason screening, and he remembers seeing Superbad at the same theater without air conditioning. Tom doesn't really understand why it's that big a deal for a movie theater to not have air conditioning in August. Paul says they did put a sign at the ticket window, but management never verbalized the sauna that awaited paying customers. He would have bolted for another theater, but his friends had purchased advance tickets. Paul says it was tolerable until the last half hour when the theater became the equivalent of a back porch in the south with not a pitcher of sweet tea in sight.

Speaking of tea, Paul asks Tom for his take on bubble tea, a trendy Taiwanese concoction of flavored tea with tapioca goo at the bottom to make you nauseous. Tom thinks it's completely disgusting. Paul was also not a fan when he tried it in Manhattan at the urging of friends who could have easily used it as an April Fool's Day prank. Tom mentions that the Lemon Tree salons now offer bubble tea to go along with their paninis. He predicts that 40 years from now the Arthur Kill dumping grounds will be littered with panini machines after they go the way of the dodo. Tom thinks the panini craze has definitely peaked as people gradually realized that they are not very good. Paul thinks they're fine, but not necessarily superior to any other bread format. Tom believes that "smooshed sandwiches" is a more apt term, and he refuses to eat those. He GOMPs Paul for being a nice guy.



- Samir in Florida calls to chime in on some movie things, but he's interrupted by Mike's panini laughter. He reminds Mike to check out Control, Anton Corbijn's Ian Curtis bio-pic. Tom asks Samir if he can believe that Corbijn is slated to helm Superbad 2: Ready to Party. Samir, who has some difficulty believing the odd directorial choice, suspects that many fans of the original will be disappointed that the sequel is shot in black and white. He had high-ish hopes for Run, Fat Boy, Run because he's been a huge Simon Pegg fan since Spaced, which is his favourite television show of all-time, just edging out the celebrity editions of The Apprentice and To Catch a Predator. However, Samir was disappointed because RFBR was a run-of-the-mill romcom that didn't bring the funny like Pegg's previous film collaborations with Edgar Wright. In this film, Wright's sharp eye for interesting shot compositions and effects is replaced by workmanlike direction from Schwimmer. Tom is confident that Pegg will return to glory with his next effort, and Samir hopes so because he does like that kid.

- Ajax in Oakland calls to discuss how not amazing now is compared to how they thought it was gonna be in Back to the Future Part II. Tom thinks about why they didn't actually show us the now they knew was gonna happen and quickly realizes that it would not have been any fun. He GOMPs Ajax for dissing BTTF2.

- Jeffrey in Nashville calls to follow up on his FOT Chat confusion regarding Tom's announcement of a track by The Black Hollies. He thought he heard him say The Black Collies. Tom thinks the latter would also make for a good band name. Jeffrey's mom raises collies, and he says there are black ones with white collars. Tom is more interested in pitch-black dogs, which may require some mutant breeding experiments. He asks Jeffrey to imagine a scenario where his mom is at a dog show with her prized Heirborne when a pack of thickly-maned, black collies, led by non-collie Dogmo, come crashing in to terrorize the crowd. Jeffrey compares Dogmo's role in the gang to Babe in Babe: Pig in the City. Tom GOMPs Jeffrey for calling Dogmo a pig.


On the Next ... 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