Recidivism.

"Actually, you must be listening down in Alabama. This line of mockery is not tracking." -- Tom, ending a riff about the Internet being unavailabe in the southern state

"Oh, it sounds great. It's like I'm gettin' crushed by the waves down at Barnegat." -- Philly Boy Roy, riding the reverb during his performance of "And We Danced"

"There will be slathering, why? Oh yeah, there will be squishing, too, yeah." -- Philly Boy Roy, detailing his plans for transferring Zachary Brimstead from his home to his Pacer

"He did hate me, actually. You know why? 'Cause I threw a stick of butter at him one night." -- PBR, explaining why "He Hate Me" hate him

"Ok, thought it'd be something else." - PBR, surprised to find out that San Francisco's XFL team was called the Demons

"Oh, Sahib, please just school me." -- PBR, requesting a lesson from renowned Yes scholar, Tom Scharpling

"Oh, yeah, I don't think we should have that. Because I don't think we should go in and get people's stems." -- PBR, stating his position on the controversial issue

"No, don't! Don't do it, host! The transformation is almost complete! I don't like it!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, begging Tom not to further Philly-ize him with Bill Conti's Rocky anthem

"You know what I hate about Apollo Creed?" -- PBR, asking PFT to pinpoint his aversion to Rocky's ring rival

"I think I know." -- PFT, realizing that Creed is an African-American man

"You know what's already turning me off on this? The YouTube still of it." -- Tom, approaching Meat Loaf's AT&T GoPhone commercial with extreme trepidation

"You know where I was? I was in Kensington whipping firecrackers at kids going to see the Dead Kennedys." -- PBR, indicating how he spent his leisure time in 1983

"Can I say one thing? Pimply. Kind of a turn-on. You're not wearing like Chuck Taylors without socks are ya? 'Cause that's the second big turn-on." -- PBR, revealing his skewed fontasy to Julie from Cincinnati

"A bellboy is a boy. Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady." -- PBR, setting Tom straight on Clue's singing telegramist

"You don't like Tarantino because you think that he's a smug creep." -- PBR, making an astute assessment of Tom's rejection of the filmmaker

"Who don't love a good SEPTA joke?" -- PBR, asking a question that has haunted Philadelphia comedians for decades

"Are you wearing the skin of the person who sold you those Chocolate Skittles?" -- Tom, inquiring about the attire of Wes, The Hillside Strangler

"I feel like I've got a lot to bring to this town." -- PFT, reluctantly tossing his finely-tailored suit into the ring

[TBSOWFMU - 4/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

The Replacements - "Perfectly Lethal"

( Click here to buy the Let It Be reissue)

Plastic Constellations - "Hardland / Heartland"

( Click here to buy We Appreciate You)

Busted Statues - "Red Clouds"

( Click here to visit Busted Statues on Myspace)

Bullet Lavolta - "The Gift"

( Click here to buy The Gift)

Northern Bushmen - "Neat, Neat, Neat" (The Damned cover)

( Click here to visit Northern Bushmen on Myspace)

Antietam - "Sink or Swim"

( Click here to buy Everywhere Outside)

Titus Andronicus - "My Time Outside The Womb"

( Click here to buy The Airing of Grievances)

Bike - "My Love My Life"

( Click here to read about the Abbasalutely compilation)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- A female caller skips the standard greeting that generally prefaces civil radio discourse to accuse Tom of being a bunch of sour grapes regarding his criticisms of I'm Not There. She loved it despite not being a huge Bob Dylban fan. Tom asks her if she normally launches into a rant without any kind of greeting. She offers a belated "hello," and Tom apologizes for putting her out with a request for some common courtesy. The caller doubts that Tom really cares whether she says hello because he's too busy ripping everyone to shreds. Tom says he is a polite person who can have differing opinions about a film. The caller agrees that he's entitled to his take, but she feels like he's just being a provocateur. Tom reminds her that he dropped $9.50 to see this thing and requests a refund. The caller has seen the film twice, including a $20 advance screening at the Woodstock Film Festival. She is ready for a third go-round. Tom's glad she enjoyed it and thinks she can understand that he didn't like it.

The caller informs Tom that director Todd Haynes employed non-traditional narrative techniques to illuminate the various stages of Dylban's life and public personas with surrogates that position him as a totemic presence in audience's collectively shared culture. Tom says he was able to crack the code and figure that out. The caller says it obviously didn't mean anything to him. Tom reiterates that he simply didn't like the film despite its ambitious thematic scope and visual flair. The caller wants Tom to provide some specific reasons why he didn't like it. Tom yells that he just talked about it for 35 minutes. The caller realizes that this segment occurred before she tuned in. Tom has had enough and turns her into a ghost using his soundboard.

[CLICK THAT S HIT FOR LARGER VERSION!]

The sounds of heavy breathing into the microphone can mean only one thing: The Best Show is back for another Tuesday night installment. The host, Tom Scharpling, asks Mike the Associate Producer if he can leave now because a phone line is already flashing. Mike assures him that the call has potential. Tom points out that every call has potential when it's still on hold. Tom majored in Music (Tier 2), minored in Mayhem (Tier 3), and now he's ready to earn an advanced degree in Mirth, the first tier of his three-pronged attack. He has a knot in his stomach, and he does knot want to be here tonight. However, he can't go around it. He's gotta go through it.

- Chris from Alabama calls rookie-style, man, because he's been loving this killer show since Jan/Feb, brotha. He thinks The Best Show has the best intro music in radio, and he's been humming it day in and day out. Tom confirms its catchiness and stops the clock because Chris is complimenting him. (Pre-topic daredevils take note!) Chris gets right to a rapid-fire, hypothetical question that he wants Tom to take seriously.

After building an audience in freeform community radio, a corporate-owned station offers Tom $115,000/year for a three-hour radio program in the NYC market. Chris says that Tom will be paid monthly, but sweetens the deal with a "wicked sign-on bonus" of $25,000. Tom wants to hear about the fictional company's Christmas party before accepting the offer. Chris mentions that corporate radio broads tend to be a little heavyset. Tom GOMPs the sick misogynist before he can go into more details about what these broads will be up to around the holidays. He takes some solace in the fact that Chris was on hold for 35 minutes before his potential evaporated. Tom starts to inform the departed Joe Alabama that the Internet is exclusively available in the northeast, but he aborts the line of mockery after realizing that Joe listens to the show via online streaming.

- Author Ken Rogers returns to the program for yet another attempt to get through an interview without spouting some of the most vile obscenities of all-time. Tom attributes his compulsion to curse to some kind of mental sickness. Back in January Rogers revealed that he was diagnosed with Tri-Polar Disorder (a tangling of the brain) after Pastor Reynolds, his new caretaker, took him to a psychologist. Despite mounting audio and medical evidence, Rogers seems to object to Tom's description of his behavior, although he does admit to struggling with "issues" in the past couple of years. He regrets that Tom has been privvy to his outbursts. Rogers confirms that privvy is a word and says he's never liked it. Tom suspects it's the pair of "v"s, but Rogers objects to the odd way it reminds him of two other unpleasant words: "panties" and "skivvies." Tom really doesn't like the latter word. He's not sure if "privvy" actually has three "v"s, and Rogers is pretty certain that the term does have a trio due to some kind of military requirement. Tom asks Mike to check on that. Rogers doesn't know who that is because he thought the call screener was named Umberto. He assumed that Tom was going to wait for Mike to report his findings, but Tom says he'll mention it later in the program. Rogers says "program" is another of one his least-favorite words. Tom can handle that one.

Tom reminds listeners that Rogers wrote Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into The Workplace, which has had a very positive impact on his life and the lives of many of his Consolidated Cardboard co-workers. Tom was first exposed to the self-help tome from the rave reviews by a guy in the CC personnel department. He left the book for people to read, but many, including Tom, were initially skeptical about its value. Tom ignored it for awhile, but something eventually intrigued him enough to take it home. When he finally started reading it, he responded to the book's central idea that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role inside the office. Rogers argues that this crossover is particularly important when it comes to making decisions and establishing relationships with co-workers. Tom has made seven prior attempts to ask Rogers if a person's role in the overarching office hierarchy reflects on their stature -- or lack of stature -- outside of the workplace. Unfortunately, Rogers has been unable to provide an answer that is fit for radio. Rogers says he's well aware that he's had to apologize ad infinitum, the correct Latin phrase to indicate a non-terminating, repeating process and something that could pass as an advertisement for a car called an Infinitum. Tom is familiar with Infiniti, Nissan's luxury line, and Rogers wonders if Infinitum was a vehicle brand during the early days of rock 'n roll back in the 1950s. He considers himself a thinker, and this is the kind of thing he likes to think about it.

Rogers says the Five Steps tour is over, and now he's promoting Tohellenback, a new book that was inspired by his odd and troubling conversations with Tom. He knew he had to make some changes because whenever he started talking something inside of him would make him say the wrong thing in a major, bawdy, way. Tom thinks "bawdy" is being very gentle. Rogers says "dirty" would probably be more appropriate. Tom thinks "pornography" would still be too kind. Rogers asks Tom not to judge him because he judges Tom. He realizes that he just violated Step #74 ("Not Judging") of the 92-Step Program he entered to aid his recovery. Tom agrees that it's not good to judge others. Rogers says the new book is the story of how he made a complete 180-degree turnaround. He knows that some people tout a 360-degree journey to success, but that just puts you right back to where your started. Tom confirms that 180 is the furthest possible point from your original position. Rogers wants to read a segment of the powerful first chapter, "Bottoming Out: Lord Please Help Me." He thinks the listeners will be moved by these life-changing two pages. Tom lets him proceed, but he immediately dumps him because the opening line was sick. He can't imagine who agreed to publish a book that even Hustler publisher Larry Flynt would reject for excessive filth. Tom asks Mike to never let Rogers through again. He's tries to unsee the image Rogers put in his mind by shaking it off like a dog.

Tom assures everyone that the goons, creeps, and second-raters cannot stop The Best Show. He's on a mission to gain admission into a universal Hall of Fame that will cherry pick items from The Smithsonian. Tom believes that some of the omissions -- like the Spirit of St. Louis -- will make people's heads spin. He decides against giving out the phone number because he's not hanging out at the Rec Hall chatting it up with the riff-raff. Tom thinks the backwards sicko from Alabama ruined it for everyone. He's quick to distance himself from anti-South crusaders like Michael K from The Cyncis by pointing out that this guy would be backwards even if he hailed from Massachussets. Mike warns Tom that he wouldn't bet on this next call.

- Tugboat Richie calls while sitting on the stern of his boat awaiting orders to maneuver a barge through the New York Harbor. He expects to travel South, and Tom orders him to walk the plank in the interim. Richie says he's done that before, and Tom bets that he banged his head on the side after drinking a little too much salt water. Richie says that all of the other tugboat passengers think he's nuts for listening to WFMU because they don't appreciate good radio. He admits that you've got to be nuts to be on a tugboat in the first place. Tom GOMPs Tugboat Richie for trying to tell him when the call is over. However, he declares Tugboat Richie to be one of the frontrunners in a bad crop of ROY contenders. While 2007 brought the likes of Eddie and Martin from Edison, this year has delivered Julie from Cincinnati, Tugboat Richie, and Steve from North Hollywood, who thought he could bamboozle Tom with the kid from Drillbit Taylor. Tom gives a thumbs down all around.

Tom informs Mike that Harmony Korine recently directed two Budweiser commercials. Mike one-ups him with Meat Loaf's commercial for AT&T's GoPhone. Tom Googles it and congratulates Meat Loaf for officially bottoming out in the world of commercial advertising. He suspects that Meat Loaf thought he already hit the bottom floor, but then a trap door opened, sending him further down the pop culture abyss. Next stop: the Chiller Theatre EXPO. Tom advises federal and local authorities to dust off the paddywagon to arrest attendees on general principle and sort it out at the station. He thinks Butch Patrick would be a leading light at this event, which boasts Jay Mewes scribbling his "Snootchie Bootchies" catchphrase for $25. Tom's not even going, but he still feels that somebody owes him money for exposure to the notion that this event exists.

Tom checks his notebook and sees a familiar phrase: "Best Show Hall of Champions." It's been there for 2.5 years, and he doesn't know what it means. Tom says if someone can tell him what it is, he will talk about it and then finally cross it off the list. He also wants bands to stop pretending that their finished, recorded output was the result of a spontaneous little jam session by having some chatter and laughter in the background before a track starts. Tom's only friend on Earth right now is his Diet Coke, and he's not even crazy about it anymore.

- A polite gentlemen calls to ask Tom for three minutes of his time to answer some questions for a poll he's conducting.

Q. Are you a citizen of Newbridge, N.J.?

A. Yes.

Q. Do you think Newbridge, N.J., is in need of new leadership?

A. Yes.

Q. Do you think that new leadership should come from outside of the Newbridge community?

A. Possibly.

Q. Define possibly.

A. I would be willing to entertain the idea of a candidate from outside of Newbridge.

Q. Do you own a green car?

A. Yes.

Q. Does it have a Meat Puppets sticker on the back window?

A. Yes. Why?

The caller says he will be there in a second and hangs up. Tom doesn't like how this is shaping up down. Mike alerts Tom to someone entering the building, and there is a knock at the studio door. It's Philly Boy Roy. He's surprised to see Tom because he thought he entered some creepy house. Tom starts to get the sound levels set in the headphones, and it reminds PBR of the time he jumped on stage with Robert Hazard and did some mic checks. PBR requests some reverb on his voice as he starts singing Hazard's "Escalator of Life." When the reverb takes effect he switches to his old standby, "And We Danced" by The Hooters. He greatly enjoys the reverb effect because it sounds like he's getting crushed by the waves down at Barnegat after he dosing on 'shrooms. Tom removes the reverb, and PBR misses it. Tom doesn't expect the visit to last long enough for another round of reverb, but PBR plans to stay until 11. Tom is concerned that an extended PBR stint will prevent him from doing some other things he had planned. PBR bets these plans include playing records by Redd Kross and Big Dipper. PBR once threw eggs at Big Dipper during a show at J.C. Dobbs because they stunk. Tom denies that they stink. PBR doesn't like that they are playing some reunion shows later this week. Tom thinks it's best to agree to disagree on the merits of the band.

PBR says he's visiting to New Jersey to campaign for his Mayublanatorianum run. (And, presumably, to retrieve the spank mags from his PO Box.) Tom gets him to remove the "l" to correctly pronounce the "bin" sound, and PBR hopes this doesn't somehow involve Osama Bin Laden. Tom assures him that it is not any kind of endorsement of the Islamic militant leader. PBR don't like that at all, and he's sure his constinlichintents won't like it either. Tom's not entirely about that term, so PBR gives it to him in layman's terms: his "peeps." PBR spent the day "stumping," but he discovered that there is a big difference between this activity as practiced in New Jersey vs. Philadelphia. Tom asks him if he was doing door-to-door canvassing to introduce himself to voters. PBR repeats that he's been stumping. He explains that Philadelphia-style stumping involves going to a park (or wherever dead trees are located), pulling the stumps out of the ground, and then throwing them through a car window. PBR first heard the term during some election news coverage of the Democratic primary battle between Victoria Clinton and a man named Osama. Tom informs PBR that the candidate's name is Barack Obama. PBR thinks it's sounds Arab, and he don't like it one bit. Tom says that is why people have the right to express their opinions by voting in elections. PBR thinks everyone in Newbridge should vote for him as their next mayor.

While he was stumping he met a wonderful older gentlemen who was housebound due to being sort of morbidly obese to the extreme. Despite his immobility, he was able to entertain PBR by singing some barbershop music. Tom thinks he knows who it is. PBR confirms that he had a very deep voice and a very large cummerbund, the two trademarks of Zachary Brimstead, Esq. PBR says he made plans to go out drinking later tonight with Brimstead. Tom wants him to define "out" considering Brimstead is apparently unable to voluntarily leave his home. PBR says that he purchased a lot of butter to slather over Brimstead's body in an attempt to pry him through his doorway. He will then squish him into his AMC Pacer so they can head over to Zonkers. Tom thinks PBR's vehicle is in for a special evening.

PBR asks Tom if he will vote for him. Tom says he is still weighing all of his options in the very crowded field. PBR wants to make sure that Tom is not considering call screener Terrence. Tom says his name is Mike. PBR thinks Terrence is a name that he would have because he has an appearance that suggests an Englishmen like John "Thunder Fingers" Entwistle from The Who. PBR saw The Who at JFK Stadium on the It's Hard tour, and he gives Tom one guess as to what drug he was on during the concert. Tom guesses acid. PBR calls Tom a dunce because he was on 'shrooms. He doesn't know song they opened with because he was in the parking lot vomiting due to the 'shrooms, Wawa hoagies, Jim's, Pat's, Geno's, and the kicker -- a sandwich made by his mom. PBR says she filled a bun of Tastykake krimpets with Peanut Chews. Tom doesn't find the construction appetizing. PBR tells Tom not to judge Mirna Ziegler because she's a saint. PBR thinks Tom is laughing at her first name, but Tom says he's just uncomfortable. PBR asks him if his shorts are in a bunch and starts cackling with an "Ow!" button on the end. Tom didn't mind the flourish, and PBR says the button might re-appear if call screener Doogle says something funny. Tom says it's Mike. PBR thinks Mike is very forgettable. Mike says nobody outside of certain Best Show callers has any trouble with the name. PBR thinks it seems like they would.

Tom reads the legal station ID (PBR incorrectly states the website as wfmu.net) and announces that there are two more hours to go. PBR is confident that he can fill the time. He wants Tom to get out of his seat so he can just drive the bus. Tom is reluctant to make the switch, but PBR insists that people want to hear him talk about nem issues. Tom says they can hear him equally well from his current position. PBR observes that Tom appears to be using a superior microphone, something he knows from watching American Hot Wax, 1978 bio-pic about Alan Freed from Candid Camera. Tom informs PBR that Allen Funt is the host of the prank program. PBR is confused and wants to start talking about important local issues like the sinkhole.

He proposes solving the problem with 49,000 footlong cheesesteaks with the works from Wawa. PBR says the sandwiches will be shellacked just like the "steakchuks" used during the annual Running of Nem Cheesesteaks through the streets of Yardley. The main difference is the sinkhole initiative will not involve any buggies or "little people." PBR hopes the "little munchkins" don't take any offense to not being a part of it. Tom doesn't think that's an appropriate term, so PBR opts for "little midgets," which is actually worse. He keeps trying with "little teeny people," so Tom decides to ride out the name-calling like a surfboard. While Tom has no actual surfing experience, PBR enjoys the 2 1/2-foot waves at Ship Bottom. PBR says he will fill the hole with the cheesesteaks, pave it over with a lot of concrete and macadam, and seal the deal by getting a rock band to play atop the new surface. PBR gives Tom one guess, and it's all he needs to come up with The Hooters. PBR says it's like Tom is inside his mind. Tom thinks his accuracy is the result of having many previous conversations about PBR's love for the band. Tom draws on his past experience to also correctly guess that they will perform "And We Danced."

PBR is impressed with Tom's psychic powers and asks him to be his running mate. Tom is not interested in filling the slot, and PBR thinks it's because he knows he'll never ever ever get nem 37 signatures. He wants Tom to consult call screener Gator before making his final decision. Tom reminds him that it's Mike. PBR thought Mike was actually Gator from White Lightning because he looks just like him except for the absence of a mustache and toupee. Tom makes it clear that PBR is thinking of a fictional character played by Burt Reynolds in the 1970s.

PBR declares the 1970s to be the greatest decade ever, although he hated nem Miami Dolphins teams aside from Mercury Morris ("good chap"). He was, of course, loyal to the Iggles, especially the potent tandem of Ron "Jaws" Jaworski and go-to receiver Harold Carmichael. PBR says he also loved Roman Gabriel, though not in that kinda way. Tom shocks PBR by revealing that he wasn't a big NFL fan during that era. He never got into the USFL, either, but he was weirdly intrigued by the XFL, a short-lived "professional" league started by wrestling promoter Vince McMahon in 2001. PBR wants Tom to guess whom he loved in the XFL. Tom tries the NY/NJ Hitmen, but PBR is thinking of a specific player. Tom nails it with Rod Smart, a running back famous for having "He Hate Me" on the back of his jersey. PBR says Smart really did hate him because he threw a stick of butter at him during a game. He can't explain why he did it other than it being really funny. (Smart got off easy considering the Ziegler clan's track record of pelting athletes and rock musicians with large batteries.) PBR laments that Philadelphia never landed an XFL franchise, which could have been called the Philly Fever. Tom thinks that is a fairly tame team name by the league's aggressive standards. PBR changes the name to the Philly Murderers, and Tom thinks he went completely too far the other way. PBR counters by telling Tom that he "ain't going the other way is where you ain't going not." Tom is very confused by the statement.

PBR changes the subject to the new The Rolling Stones documentary, Shine A Light. Tom hasn't seen it, and PBR loved it except for one thing: it was filmed at the Beacon Theater in New York City. He thinks Scorsese should have filmed the band performing at the Tower Theater because that's where he first bombed out during a Blue Oyster Cult show on the Tyranny and Mutation tour. Tom tries to ask him about that BOC period, but PBR abruptly falls asleep. He wakes up and mentions that he received some free lip balm samples at the German-run Das Seiben Under Elf convenience store. PBR starts snoring again, and Tom knows he's under the relaxing spell of Blue. He manages to rouse PBR, who promises to totally wake up in a second. PBR appears to snort a line of cocaine and asks Tom to quickly cue up "Escalator of Loife" so he can sing along to the entire song. Tom doesn't have the record, so PBR sings it for him a cappella. Tom thinks the lyrics are very powerful, and PBR mentions that Hazard also wrote the hit single "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" for Cyndi Lauker. He's disgusted to find out that Lauker is a New York native.

Tom runs down the names of the XFL teams: the Birmingham Thunderbolts, the Chicago Enforcers, the NY/NJ Hitmen, and the Orlando Rage in the Eastern Division; the Las Vegas Outlaws (ft. "He Hate Me"), the Los Angeles Xtreme, the Memphis Maniax, and the San Francisco Demons in the Western Division. PBR claims that extremely low attendance led the L.A. Xtreme to shift their home games from the L.A. Coliseum to the Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset Strip, then down to Raji's, and finally ending up at Al's Bar. Tom finds it hard to believe that football games were played at small music venues. PBR thinks they were, and he's not surprised that the Xtreme won the XFL championship because they were a strong team. He recalls that one of nem XFL guys went to the NFL. Tom says it was "He Hate Me," but PBR thought it was some quarter-back. He asks Tom what he thinks "He Hate Me" is doing right now besides lines. Tom doesn't think PBR should be accusing him of illegal drug use. PBR argues that since he's doing lines, everyone is probably doing lines. He bets that if Tom opens up the phone lines he will discover that a lot of his listeners are doing cocaine. Tom agrees to test his theory, but he wants to play a record before starting the game. PBR hopes its not anything by Redd Kross, Big Dipper, or Neil Die-a-mond. Since the lines are lit up, Tom decides to take some cocaine calls. The first person to five "wins."

The first caller is staying off the slopes tonight, but the second one gets a "That's my man!" from PBR for dancing with the White Lady. Casey from Astoria checks in to see what's up. Tom says he's doing a radio show and trying to stay on a very specific cocaine-based topic. Last week Casey emerged as a possible ROY contender, but now it's all ova. PBR wants to know what story he was from. Tom says he's from a town called Astoria.

Laurie from Miami blasts in at max volume. PBR thinks she sounds loud, sexy, and wants to know her whole story. He asks Tom if WFMU is Internet accessible because he hopes there is a chance that Laurie will send him a .jpg. Laurie says she could arrange to send an image file, and PBR gets very excited by the prospects of seeing her. Tom actively discourages the transmission and wonders why Laurie is courting PBR's advances. Laurie can't explain it. She says that she mainly wanted to wish WFMU a Happy Birthday in advance of their official 50th anniversary this Thursday. PBR doubts there was radio back then. Laurie laughs at his confusion about the medium's history. PBR loves the laugh, although he's a little turned off when Laurie says she's not doing lines. A caller tries to tie the score by claiming he's doing a lot of lines, but even PBR knows his ghoul-like lethargy is a telltale sign of cocaine fakery. He says that if the caller was really doing lines he would be frantically barking out requests for Robert Hazard tunes. PBR believes the caller is on downers. The next caller says he's not doing lines, but PBR detects the rapid speech of the marching powder. The bottom line: do not attempt to pull one over on Roy Ziegler when it comes to being under the influence of drugs.

PBR changes the subject to the reformation of legendary prog-rockers Yeh. Tom wants to know the current lineup of the band. PBR ignores the question to focus on the band's love affair with Philadelphia. He wants Tom to Google Geoff Downes, who played keyboards for the band in the lesser-known era around the time of 1980's Drama. While Tom was not familiar with the band's affinity for Philadelphia, he does know that Trevor Horn was their lead vocalist at this time. PBR is startled to discover that he's talking to a Yes scholar, and he's willing to sit back and let Tom school him. Tom finds it bizarre that he's either pompous for knowing something about something or an idiot if he doesn't know something about something. He can't win.

(l. to r.) John Wetton, Gator, and Geoff Downes

PBR asks Tom if he sees the picture of Downes playing keyboards while wearing a Phillies uniform. Tom doesn't see that one in his Google search results. PBR claims that Downes and the rest of the band love the Phillies. He also points out that Yes recorded a live DVD in 1977 (1979, you Philadummy!) at The Spectrum, where they performed "in the round" on a rotating stage in the center of the venue. PBR attended the concert, and he wants Tom to guess why he don't remember none of it. Tom thinks it has something to do with mushrooms. PBR strongly objects to the suggestion. Tom spots a picture of Downes wearing the jersey of a Japanese sports team, and PBR is appalled that he turned his back on Philly sports. He vows to get revenge on the traitor by smashing all of the Yes albums in the WFMU CD Record libary, including Yessongs, Close to the Edge, Drama, Tormato, Going for the One, Tales from Topolgraphlic Oceans, Fragile, The Yes Album, and 90210. Tom thinks it was 90212. PBR bets Tom $1 million that he's wrong.

He can cover the large amount because Roy, Jr. gave him a $1 million bill yesterday. Tom recommends holding off on spending it because it is likely counterfeit tender, but PBR already bought $1 worth of Peanut Chews at Wawa. The store gave him his change in the form of a check. Tom asks him if the check is as legitimate as the original bill. PBR breaks it out and acknowledges that it looks like it's on notebook paper. Tom says that the Yes album that PBR intends to smash is 90125. PBR insists that it's 90210 because the digits represent all of the band members' astronomical signs. Tom is pretty sure that the correct title is the Atco label's catalog number for the release. PBR doesn't think there is any way in heck he could be wrong. He says he'd love to have someone call to dispute Tom's research.

Nick from Norwalk doesn't have a take on the Yes album, but he did want to say that he's not doing lines. He hopes to counteract all the listeners from Brooklyn because he wants Tom to win. Fred from Queens, man, calls for the first time since he urged Tom to seek immediate medical attention the night of his tummy ache. He's not doing cocaine, but he is doing lines of anything he can find around the house to make him feel "different." PBR says he's done dirt lines as part of a similar residential scavenger hunt. Fred explains that the dirt lines are usually the last stop on the journey after raiding the medicine cabinet, the refrigerator, and snorting some kitchen surface cleaner. Fred's laundry list of eccentric narcotics leave Tom speechless. He GOMPs Fred after entertaining him for far too long. Tom never thought he'd say it: "I'm sorry, Roy." PBR takes the Fred detour in stride and asks Tom what he wants to talk about. Tom wants to talk about the hott new Cheap Time record.

After The Dirtbombs completed the In The Red "Two for Tuesday" interlude, Tom welcomes everyone back to the exciting PBR studio session. PBR agrees that his presence is exciting for Tom and his listeners, who are getting a sneak peak at the next mayor of Newbridge. He's very confident that he will take down call screener Shemp and all the other candidates in July. Shemp informs Tom that another guest is at the door. It's famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins, who saw the light on in the studio window and decided to drop in for a visit. Tom is shocked to see him, and PFT is equally surprised to run into PBR. When PFT was in the studio last year he and PBR had a somewhat contentious telephonic exchange about their days in Philadelphia. PBR admitted that he recently burned down the Ritz 5 theater in a match fight gone awry, thwarting PFT's plans for a Christmas day screening of Rocky Balboa with his ladyfriend. PFT, who introduced the popular local sport to Weird-O-Wood, then dredged up PBR's lackluster matchfighting skills -- his only victory over PFT was aided by the illegal use of a long fireplace match. At the time PBR hoped that PFT could land him an acting gig on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

PBR is not thrilled to see PFT because he feels that he turned his back on his hometown by taking his act to Lipstick City. PFT explains that it was a wise career move, but PBR thinks the Philadelphia comedy clubs (e.g., Funny Bones and The Laugh Comedy Works) were perfectly good venues to showcase his skills. PFT points out that they closed. PBR still hangs out at The Comedy Works location, which has been converted into a shooting gallery. He laments that PFT is too good for his hometown now that he's on television and in the movies. PFT is in NYC this week for a stint hosting VH-1's new three-minute Best Day Ever recaps, so PBR wonders if there is any chance PFT could introduce him to Kim Kardashian, a familiar target of the Best-series panelists. Tom thinks PBR may be a little too high-class for her. PBR appreciates that Tom thinks he can do better.

He tells PFT that he recently saw him in a hit movie that was nominated for nem Oscars. PFT says he was proud to land a small role in a high-profile film. PBR immediately recognized PFT as that guy he hates when he saw There Was Some Oil. PFT initially assumes that PBR was referring to the frequent appearance of said substance in the film, but he was actually stating its title. PFT doesn't understand how PBR missed the There Will Be Blood text on the screen. PBR says he missed the opening sequence because he was doing bong hits in the projection booth. PFT didn't think patrons were allowed to enter that room. Tom wonders if he knew the guy who worked there. PBR says he gained admittance by making love to the female projectionist. PBR wants PFT to discuss the filming of the intense final showdown between Daniel Plainview and Eli Sunday in the bowling alley. PFT says he wasn't on the set that day. PBR thought that every actor in a movie is there for the entire shoot. He asks PFT if he ever got his nose caught in the clapper, the device used to mark scenes and takes during production. PFT says that doesn't happen nearly as often as it did back in the silent film era. Tom mentions that these nasal snafus also occurred in the marginal doodles of Sergio Aragones in Mad magazine. PBR is not familiar with her work. He thinks it might be similar to Al Jaffee's "Spy vs. Spy" strip or "What, me worry?" PFT points out that the latter was the motto of the magazine's fictional mascot, Alfred E. Neuman.

Tom wants to know why nobody has ever greenlighted The Lighter Side, a movie adaptation of cartoonist Dave Berg's hypochondriac alter-ego, Roger Kuputnik. PFT says he's been asking been asking Hollywood that same question for years. He was always amused that a magazine ostensibly geared towards children would run a feature built around adult problems like insurance and medical bills. Tom thinks that if Mad kept going on its past trajectory, "The Lighter Side" would now examine the debate over stem cell research. PFT says he would be interested to hear about the lighter side of that polarizing issue. Tom asks PBR if stem cell research plays any role in his Mayubernatorial platform. PBR goes on the record against going in and getting stems from people's backs. PFT and Tom figure out that PBR is referring to the spine, and PBR wants to know why they are called stem cells if people don't have stems. He also wonders if stem cells should be sold. The query unmasks Tom's ignorance on the subject. Mike identifies the stems as part of the cells. If call screener Nikolai really knew what he was talking about he would have mentioned that stem cellular structures are capable of retaining the ability to reinvigorate themselves through mitotic cell division and can differentiate into a diverse range of specialized cell types. He might have also pointed out that stem cells must be either totipotent or pluripotent to give rise to any mature cell type. Some people might refer to multipotent or unipotent progentior cells as "stem cells," but these people should be severely mocked as total embryonadummies. Tom says he's never claimed to be smart. PBR says Tom's a very smart ... ass.

Tom senses some residual PBR/PFT tension caused by their geographical divide. PBR points out that some loyal residents stayed to fly the Philly flag while others just flew away. PFT doesn't think his departure to Los Angeles gives PBR the right to be rude to him. PBR asks PFT if he's ever run into Tom Hanks or Jackie Earle Haley when he's walking down Hollywood Boulevyard. PFT says he does see famous people from time to time, and, contrary to PBR's assumption, they don't all know him. At this point Tom is concerned about PFT because a Philadelphia accent appears to be creeping into his speech. PFT assures him that he's foine. Tom asks him to repeat his condition because he did not use the standard pronunciation of "fine." PFT thinks Tom might want to get his ears checked. PBR wonders if PFT uses a secret handshake when he encounters Hanks, Haley, Dawn Wells from Gilligan's Island, or Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. PFT avoids any exclusive hand gestures, but he will politely approach a star and say, "How are youse doin', I'm on TV, too. It's nice to meet youse." Tom is now convinced that PFT is talking differently. PBR interprets PFT's altered speech as the English of normal people. PFT wonders if it's the result of being in such close prox ... im ... iny to PBR for the first time in many years. Tom is very unsettled by the apparent Phillification of PFT.

PBR fondly recalls scaring PFT by dunking him in the pool when they were younger. PFT remembers getting all that wutter in his ears. Tom alerts him to his regional pronunciation of "water," and PFT starts getting freaked out. PBR thinks it sounds pretty cool to hear "Hollywood" sound totally normal for a change. PFT asks the host to help him find a way out. PBR asks the host to play something from Bill Conti. PFT begs Tom not to honor the request because the transformation is almost complete. PBR begins singing the anthemic "Gonna Fly Now" to finally push PFT over the edge. The now indistinguishable Philly phanatics start riffing about how they loved everything about Rocky Balboa. PBR says one patichular thing he really loved was that Sly and the young lady didn't knock boots when they had the opportunity to knock boots. He thought that was a very tasteful dramatic decision that could only occur in Philadelphia. PFT agrees that it was a classy move. However, PBR admits that he would have knocked her boots. Tom cues up the Conti, which is met with immediate PBR/PFT accompaniment -- a mixture of "Knockin' Boots"-based lyrics and commentary about how the music takes them back to their glory days in Philly. PBR recommends that PFT picture himself running through the Italian Market and picking up a sausage. PFT says he was already decked out in his vintage gray sweatsuit and Chuck Taylors as he retraced Rocky's route through the city. PBR points out that those are the worst possible running shoes. PFT says that if he can run in them he'll having no problem keeping up with Apollo Creed in a 15-round title bout. PBR asks PFT if he knows what he hates about Creed. PFT thinks he knows. Tom doesn't like the obvious implications of that exchange.

PFT, who is now running alongside throngs of children, wants someone to splash some Frank's Sun-Up in his face so he can snap out of his Philly trance. PBR says he only liked some of the kids that joined Rocky's (and now PFT's) dash through the city. PFT knows why he didn't like the others. He feels like he's on fire (perhaps the result of passing flame-spewing garbage cans surrounded by doo-wop groups), and he's compelled to burn the studio down like the fire that burned down Brigantine Castle in New Jersey. PFT thinks it's the best thing that ever happened to the state. PBR agrees. He says his favorite part about the famous Philadelphia Museum of Art scene is that Rocky ascends the steps, but he don't never go in. PFT supports the decision because he can't imagine anyone wanting to look at paintings. PBR corrects him: pictures. PFT reaches the breaking point and tells the host he has to leave. Tom gladly dismisses him to try to save himself from further damage. PBR finishes off the song while doing his 3,000th third pushup. His shirt ripped and now he has to go to the bathroom because he may have pulled something. Tom hopes the bathroom break will give PFT a chance to regain his psyche with PBR in less proximiny. PBR estimates a fairly lengthy stay in the bathroom, and he doesn't like that Tom is judging him for it. Tom wasn't really issuing much judgment, but he apologizes anyway. PBR says that no apology could be too great, echoing a common refrain of his new friend, Mr. Brimstead.

A dazed PFT returns to the studio and apologizes to Tom and the listeners for his unpleasant behavior. Tom hopes that PFT doesn't get Philly-ized again upon PBR's return. PFT moved to L.A. on the day Kurt Cobain died back in April 1994, so it's been awhile since he's been possessed by the Philly spirit. Tom didn't even know the Nirvana frontman was sick. PFT starts looking for a slide whistle. He's also having some trouble hearing his voice in his cans. Tom gets PFT to adjust the knob, but he can't really explain the technical aspects of radio beyond his trusty Audioarts Engineering R-60 analog radio console. If that stopped working, he would have to end the show and go home. Tom thinks the R-60 has been at WFMU since its inception half a century ago, but PFT thinks it looks remarkably clean and well-preserved. Tom agrees that it's bright white exterior may indicate a more recent vintage.

- Gregg from New York calls to thank Tom for picking his Super Hero Harvey comic as one of the winners in The Best Show Art & Video contest. The entry was based on a Tom/PFT conversation about cursing Harvey Pekar with superpowers as payback for his increasingly dull issues of American Splendor revolving around buying oatmeal cookies and his insomnia. Tom was hoping to infuriate Pekar enough to get him to drive from Cleveland on a Sunday night and meet him for an on-air fight on Tuesday night in Jersey City.

Tom asks Greg if he dumped his work into his computer to assist with the layout. Gregg says he drew it all by hand and then scanned the board for the contest. PFT wants to be sure that he didn't somehow trace any elements of the piece. Gregg admits to using a ruler for the panel borders. Tom and PFT appreciate his candor. After listening to his triumph on last week's podcast Greg was very excited to hear PFT when he tuned in tonight. He did a small jig, splashed some cold water on his face, and called to chat with his artistic inspirations. PFT notes that his abbreviated dance is called a "jiglet." Tom thinks Gregg is a top-notch artist, and he wants to continue the discussion of his considerable talent via e-mail. Gregg thinks Tom and PFT are also top talents. He wishes them both a good night and week. Tom asks Gregg is he's ever called before. Gregg says it's his first time. He warns Tom that he will do another jig(let) if he says it. Tom just asks him to keep calling. PFT says he got a bit tense during that last exchange because he feared that Tom would tell Greg to never call again. Tom assures PFT that he'd never reject someone who got his rare top-notch rating.

PFT wonders how long the notch system has been used to indicate levels of quality. Tom traces the primitive markings back to the cavemen, assuming they understood the concept of ranking things and could interpret a higher notch as being superior to lower notches. PFT imagines a caveman pointing to the top notch and then himself to make sure everyone understood that he was the best. He's pretty sure that everyone knew the top was the best even back then. Tom thinks they may have learned about that in 1960 when the monolith showed up. PFT vaguely remembers hearing about how this event transformed tribal apes into humans. Tom recalls that the monolith made a buzzing sound upon arrival. PFT doesn't know about that, but he does know that everybody got crazy about it and threw bones in the air. Tom mentions that after the fit of excitement everybody jumped right into outer space in the year 2001. PFT recites a line from JFK's famous speech where he used the monolith to kickstart his goal of manned moon-landing missions in spacecrafts modeled after the aerodynamic bones.

Tom finds it hard to believe that nobody is calling to join the evolutionary discussion. PFT suspects that everyone is busy watching the returns from the hotly-contested Pennsylvania primary. Call screener Monty reports that Hillary is ahead in the early results. Tom heads right to NewsMax, his only source for news, for more details. PFT isn't familiar with the media arm of the John Birch Society. Tom is a big fan of their very balanced reportage. PFT notes the generic name that indicates the website contains the maximum amount of news available anywhere. Tom suggests a tagline in which NewsMax promotes themselves as a one-stop shop for news not unlike OfficeMax for office supplies. PFT offers NewsDepot, NewsStaples, or Newsles as alternative names to connote a big box format. Tom would definitely visit a website called Newsles to get all the latest news. Tidbit: for a few months in 1992 I served as third in command to Paul Pierce and this guy in a vicious street gang called the "Newsies" before spraining my groin during an ill-advised leg kick/pirouette move. I was told to stick to jiglets and demoted to copy editor.

- Chris L from Maryland checks in, and he's impressed that PFT remembers posing for a picture with him and Dorvid, which was one of the highlights of his year. PFT seems disappointed that it wasn't the highlight of his year. CL says a photo with one of the cast members of Home Box Office's The Wire would have definitely been the highlight of his year. He's pretty sure that Snoop would have gladly hung out with him. PFT asks CL for his take on the final season of the program, and Chris L says he had the same problems that plagued a lot of viewers. Tom takes some delight in this because he and call screener Ziggy had launched a months-long campaign to cool down the outbreak of The Wire fever. PFT gives Tom a gift by admitting that he, too, had some problems with the final run. He wouldn't admit it while it was airing because Tom was being so mean about it. Tom argues that he was just helping the diehard fans keeps things in proper perspective as their beloved series drew to a close. Tom asks Chris L if he's excited about the film adaptation of The Wire, starring Emilio Estevez as Det. James McNulty. When Chris L heard that Estevez was writing/directing Bobby, he knew it was only a short leap from that to other high-profile projects. PFT wonders if there will also be roles for Renee Estevez (Rhonda Pearlman?) or Joe Estevez (Rawls?). Tom says he hasn't heard anything about additional Estevezes, but he does reveal that Ashton Kootcher will play the smack-addled police informant named Bobbles. PFT can see that.

CL says he mainly called to petition Tom to play the Meat Loaf AT&T GoPhone commercial live on the air so listeners can hear his reactions. It was not clear if CL secured the 37 signatures required to make video requests on The Best Show. PFT likes this idea, and he doesn't think Tom will ever guess which Meat Loaf song was reworked for the spot. Tom thinks he might have an idea. PFT thinks he knows what song Tom thinks it will be, but Tom's prediction will be wrong. CL mentions that Meat Loaf is seemingly mismatched with a surprise guest star, who would have gone unnoticed if not for the camera zooms that indicate she's a significant figure. PFT warns Tom that the spot contains two curses, but CL points out that the profanity is only in the "Red Band" version. Tom says that he's already turned off by the frozen Meat Loaf moment on the YouTube screen. He initially feared it might be a still from Black Dog. CL mentions seeing Meat Loaf in shadowy, dramatic repose on a poster for an upcoming Meat Loaf documentary at his local Landmark arthouse. Tom suspects that Meat Loaf drew it himself. PFT is skeptical about the need for the film because he can't imagine any event in Meat Loaf's entire life that couldn't be satisfactorily explained to someone in 10 minutes. Tom mentions that he already saw his life dramatized in the VH-1 movie, Meat Loaf: Tohellenback, starring Dan Dority in the title role. He thought it was pretty good, but that's not really true. Tom concludes that Meat Loaf's story is not nearly as interesting as Meat Loaf thinks it is.

Tom fires up the commercial, but he caps out after just seven seconds. He reached his limit just as Meat Loaf informs his son that he will have to sleep on his request for a GoPhone featuring unlimited talk and text. PBR creeped crept back into the studio and startles Tom and PFT when he pipes up with his approval of the clip. Tom gives it another try and immediately initiates a boycott of the GoPhone. He doesn't give any specifics, but he suggests that something unpleasant will happen to anyone he catches using the banned device. PBR gets PFT to sing the altered "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" with him, and they segue into "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. PFT sings the opening line of the chorus ("It's just a jump to the left"), but PBR cannot recall the next dance move because he was always so baked by the fourth song of the movie. He assumes it involves jumping to the right. PBR says he saw the film eight times, mostly at the Plymouth Meeting Mall theater. PFT is a fan of this vast shopping wonderland.

PBR says he also saw Class of 1984, which Tom correctly identifies as one of the best films ever made, at the same theater. PFT remembers that one of the wild kids gets dropped off the rooftop at the end. Tom says it was the character played by Vince Van Patten. PBR thinks it was Derrick Van Patten, and he wants Tom to IMDb it. PFT isn't sure that Derrick is a valid Van Patten, but PBR assures him that he was on Eight is Too Much. PBR now remembers that Dick Van Patten played the preppy kid who got all punked out in Class of 1984. He points out that this scenario played out just like it did in the punk episode (available on all of the YouTubes) of Quincy, M.E., featuring a fictional band called Mayhem corrupting local youths with their music of hate. PBR was such a fan of the episode that he got the line, "Girl, we gotta get you punked up," tattooed on his back. He says that he has since removed all of the text except "Girl." PFT thought he saw a lot of Quincy, but he can't recall this installment. PBR wonders what PFT was doing in 1983 to have missed it. He knows that he spent his non-television time that year in the Kensington District whipping firecrackers at kids en route to Dead Kennedys shows. The mention of this Philly pastime makes PFT long for his days roaming around the intersection of Kensington & Allegheny Avenues and Fishtown. PBR admits to starting the Fishtown Riots because they was coming into their neighborhoods. Tom's not exactly sure what he's talking about, but he assumes it's offensive and closes the matter.

Tom finds that IMDB back up PBR's claim: Dick Van Patten did indeed play thug leader Peter Stegman in Class of 1984. PFT is confused about how the balding, 56-year-old Van Patten was able to convincingly portray a high school student. Tom thought it was achieved with makeup effects, but PBR says Van Patten took an early variant of Kern's reverse-aging drug Youngoproxin to become a teenager. The actor then used Oldzonareveren to successfully get back to his actual age. Tom mentions the complications that Brendan Fraser had while using the same pharmaceutical tandem for his role as the Secretary of State in President Baseball. Fraser used Oldzonareveren to put on 30 years in two weeks, but the Youngoproxin treatment left him about a decade short of a complete return trip. PFT says it was sad to hear about that, but it was worth it because it was a great movie. Tom still hasn't seen it despite rave reviews from several Best Show callers in the past couple of years. PBR recounts his favorite scene: Fraser gravely approaches the mound to talk to the President, and everyone thinks he will recommend leaving the game to deal with the Chinese guy who has his little finger on the button. PBR asks PFT to join him in reciting the last four words of a line that many thought would earn Fraser an Oscar nomination: "Strike. this. guy. out." PFT says he just got chills and plans to watch the film again when he gets back to L.A.

PBR is ready to take some calls, and Tom thinks it's time to put a topic on the table. PBR tells PFT that he don't like his voice without the Philadelphia accent. PFT says that he stuck a needle into his skin to help him avoid another Philly phlare-up. PBR thinks this sounds like atchupunture, but PFT says he stuck the needle all the way in so he can press on it to use the pain to stave off an oncoming transformation. PBR now realizes that it's the same principle as Lee Press-on Nails. While Tom reviews some topic ideas in his notebook, he has to censor PBR for explicitly expressing his desire to make love to a member of the Scooby-Doo gang. PBR says New Jersey radio has so many rules, but on Philly stations like WIPay he can say whatever he wants to Howard Eskin, his sports guru. He lets Tom get back to choosing a topic because he feels like he's monoplotizing his show.

Yes, Tom was looking for concert tickets online, so PBR wants to know if the band will be performing "in the round." He says that Rick Wakeman's son, Troy Oliver, is playing keyboards on the 40th anniversary tour because Rick don't wanna do it no more. PBR and PFT celebrate the passing of the keys by singing a bit of the beautiful "Roundabout." Tom was actually checking on prices for tickets to see Kanye West at MSG, and he had to enter a security code consisting of two of nem wavy-lettered words: glass and fudge tokenism. He wonders who is combining a racially-charged word with something as innocuous as "glass." PBR suggests that the person might have thought "tokenism" was equally innocluous. The experience led to tonight's topic: That's Not Right. PFT manages to read Tom's mind and clarifies his proposal. He informs listeners that Tom is asking them to call to discuss an incident where they encountered something they thought was "not right."

PBR wants to start things off, but Tom prefers to build up to what will likely be a sordid tale. He takes a call from a guy who really wanted all nine of his ducklings to hatch, but the mother duck kept throwing them out. He was down to two eggs, and then the mom tossed another one. Tom wonders if he's listening to a To Catch A Predator SAT question. He gets rid of the creep. PFT says he's not sure if the caller's accent was charmingly fake or fakely charming. PBR tells Tom he should have let him start, and Tom can't argue with that. He gives PBR the go-ahead to get things back on track.

Where: Spectrum

When: 1981

Who: BOC (supporting Cultösaurus Erectus) / Foghat (supporting Tight Shoes)

Wait. What?: PBR disputes Tom's claim that CE is not a very good album. He quickly retracts that position.

Why: Since PBR couldn't afford no pricey, official concert t-shirts from the vendors inside the buildin, he opted for the guys out front with duffel bags full of $5 t-shirts. PBR picked a black jersey t-shirt with white sleeves, and the seller fled the scene immediately after the transaction was complete. PBR examined his purchase and realized that it was apparel from the Mirrors tour. He got burnt on old merch.

The Bottom Line: That Ain't Right

Tom is impressed that PBR's story is dead-on for the topic. PBR says it all karmically balanced out when he snuck into the show and stole Eric Bloom's wallet after getting backstage by pretending to be a Miller Loite rep. He beat up the actual rep and took his jacket. Tom thinks the ruse and theft is a terrible act. PBR thinks it's a great memory to recount on the radio. He's previously mentioned many incidents involving BOC, and Bloom appears to be his favorite target. PBR had to hide in the Spectrum bathroom after stealing his guitar at a 1982 show. At another show he tripped over the band's monitors four times after his buds hoisted him onto the stage. PBR proceeded to moon the audience (something he did at every BOC show from 1981-1986) and concluded that while Bloom's face suggested rage, the guitarist was secretly excited by his impromptu performance. Tom apologizes for his earlier dismissal of Cultösaurus Erectus because he was actually thinking of really bad Club Ninja. PBR thinks it has great tracks like "Dancin' in the Ruins," which might be on his iPod. Tom is shocked that he owns the device. He's less surprised to find out that PBR stole it from the pocket of his SEPTA bus driver.

- Julie from Cincinnati tells PBR that he's wonderful, and he's aroused by her wonderful voice. He also mistakenly greeted her as "Julia." Julie says that she would be interested in meeting PBR if she wasn't so morbidly obese and pimply. Due to her physical condition, she wants him to just enjoy her sound. PBR says pimples are actually kind of a turn-on, and he asks Julie if she's wearing Chuck Taylors without socks, which is his second big turn-on. Julie says she's wearing a flannel shirt, barefoot, and hasn't bathed in five days. PFT thinks the attire is suitable for employment at Zipperhead, an alternative clothing store frequented by Joe Jack Talcum. Julie doesn't care for the Philly quip because she's so over PFT. Tom thought the bathing hiatus was Julie's That's Not Right entry, but she opts for one of her other million possible TNRs. Yesterday, Julie ordered a scotch and soda, but they used Sprite instead of the traditional club soda and then denied it. PBR thinks the mixologist is a loyer. PFT wonders if the drink mishap occurred in war-torn Darfur. PBR asks Julie if it happened at Sudsy Malone's or Bogart's. The music venue references remind Julie that The Clash were at her local record store two weeks ago. PFT is understandably surprised since the band is defunct and Joe Strummer is dead. Julie says it was actually only two of them. PBR correctly identifies them as Mick Jones and Tony James, who was never a member of The Clash except for that one-off with Brett Haskins back in 2002. He thinks they are in a band called Silicon/Carbone. Julie didn't go because they were just signing autographs instead of singing and dancing. Tom's heard enough.

- Mike calls from foncy Manhattan, and PBR asks him if he knows bitchy hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Mike doesn't know her personally. PFT is pretty sure that she passed on. PBR mentions that Helmsley was murdered because he thinks it's technically correct to refer to any death as a "murder." Tom says that while a murder would qualify as passing on, the reverse is not necessarily true. PBR wants Tom to IMDb his claim under the listing for Clue. He asks Tom and PFT to guess one of the people in that film. They swing and miss with the following sextet:

• Michael McKean (better)
• Christopher Lloyd (better)
• Robert Hazard (not quite as good)
• Daryl Hall (close)
• John Oates (not close)
• Teddy Pendergrass (wrong sex)

PBR also points out that the actress in question is mobile. He apologizes for the worst thing he's ever said. PFT makes a final attempt with an Angie trio: Donna Pescow (close), Debralee Scott (not as close), and Doris Roberts (doesn't know who that is). PBR reveals that it's former Go-Go's guitarist Jane Wiedlin. Tom recalls that she played a bellboy. PBR reminds Tom that a bellboy is a boy, while Jane Wiedlin is a hot lady. Tom clarifies that while the profession is associated with males, she was wearing a bellboy outfit in her scene. PBR admits that he didn't see the film. He asks Tom not to judge him because he judges Tom. PBR tells Manhattan Rick to continue with his topic entry. Rick says that it only took him a couple of minutes to decide that Lil' Bush is an animated satire That's Not Right. Tom thinks the program is very timely because it's crucial that someone finally stands up to President Bush as his term nears its expiration date. Rick says he couldn't even repeat the "jokes" to someone because it would likely bring him bad luck. Tom mentions that the show is so unfunny that the laff track machine crashes before it breaks the silence. Rick says the episode contained one joke that was seemingly lifted from Truly Tasteless Jokes Two. PFT thought that was a good volume before they went off the rails with the third compendium.

- Casey from Astoria steps back up to the plate to see if he's got any more pop left in his bat. Tom informs him that he will be heavily scrutinizing this at-bat. Casey's in Scottsdale for a few days, and he found a "Taste of Philly"-themed restaurant offering lots of Philly phare (try the TastyKake Butterstotch Krimpets and Peanut Chews "salad"!) and one piece of decor That's Not Right. In addition to the authentic menu, Casey spotted a bumper sticker in the window with Geno's Steak's controversial "This Is America: When Ordering 'Speak English'" directive to foreign-born customers. PBR says he doesn't have a problem with that policy. Casey correctly points out that PBR broke with Geno's on that issue, but now he's back because he's been getting free food. PBR admits to blackmailing Geno after seeing him do something in the back room. PFT refers to this relationship mending as a rapprochement, but PBR has no idea what that means. Tom classifies the Geno's location as a shed/lean-to, but PBR says it's a proper establishment with outside tables. The interior features pictures of various stars, including Frank Stallone, Donna Pescow, and Frank Stallone. PFT adds broadcasting legend Larry Ferrari to the Wall of Fame. Casey says he's in Arizona for a brief vacation, and Tom thinks he chose a great destination. PFT wonders if it's humid there, and Casey is surprised to report that it's just a dry heat. Tom had no idea that this climate was typical of the region. Casey says he had never seen this mentioned on a t-shirt. Tom gets rid of him. PBR thinks Casey is a creep.

- Farmer Eli from Central Jersey asks how the gang is doing, and PBR says he's doing "deece," which is the shorthand for "decent" if you don't want to expend all the energy required to say the full word. Tom points out that he expended even more energy explaining it. The retort prompts PBR to make his first threat of the night in the form of a smashing. He warns Tom that his belt, which has the world's largest Eagles helmet buckle, is finally coming off after nearly 90 minutes of relative civility. Tom says he can see the massive buckle sticking up from over the console. PBR says that's not his buckle, and Tom doesn't press him for any additional details on the object in question.

Eli says his entry relates to what PFT calls The Holy Trinity: The Best Show, Wawa, and hoagies. In a nutshell, Wawa is now offering toasted hoagies, and Eli believes That's Not Right. PBR thinks it's disgustin' and wants them to only offer normal hoagies as God created them. PBR has no intentions of trying them, but PFT says he's willing to at least take a bite of one. PBR can't believe he would taste a toasted hoagie. Tom understands PFT's curious palette because he still wants to take one bit of Domino's Pizza's Oreo dessert pie. He knows it's terrible, but he just wants to experience the sensation of it in his mouth. PBR is very intrigued by the thin crust topped with Oreo crumbles and vanilla icing. Tom asks call screener Runyon to have four of them delivered to the station. PBR tells "Elian" that he sides with him on the toasted hoagie debate. Eli repeats his actual first name, and PBR links it to Eli Whitley, the inventor of gin, a wudder-like drink that makes you feel better.

- Tim in Ellensburg, WA, gets a rise out of PBR because he's calling from the home of the Screaming Trees, the band led by the Conner brothers, Van and Jessup. Tom believes the second brother is Gary Conner, not Jessup. PBR wants Tom to IMDb it. PFT asks PBR if he knows what IMDb provides, and Tom clarifies it's just a resource for movie information. PBR says he thought it was an all-purpose search engine just like Googles. He also recalls seeing them in the Seattle music scene documentary, Hype!. Tom knows the brothers also appeared in that comedy. PBR suspects that Tom is referring to There's Something About Mary. Tom says they played Siamese twins, and PBR now thinks it's The Spirit of '76. He believes Tom is confusing the Conners with Jeff McDonalds, the killer from Fatal Vision.

PBR and PFT further complicate matters by debating whether the lotion came out of or went into the bucket. It appears they have both inserted the actions of Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from The Silence of the Lambs into the Fatal Vision story of Dr. Jeffrey MacDonald. PFT says it came out of the bucket and went into the basket. PBR doesn't recall a basket. PFT assures him that there was one. PBR allows the host to proceed. Tom says that he knows the McDonald brothers from Redd Kross were the stars of The Spirit of '76, but he thought the Conner brothers were also in the film. PBR thinks Tom is talking about Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes. He asks Tom if he saw what Oberst did to Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road." PBR doesn't even want to talk about it. Tom asks him why he's defending something from New Jersey. PBR explains that maybe he don't like Omaha, NE less. He rephrases his take to say that he don't like Omaha no more than that. At this point, he's not really sure what he's trying to express. Tom assumed that he would take Omaha over NJ by default. PBR admits that he lied. He still hates NJ more than anything. Tom wonders if he has a soft spot for Bruce because he did the theme for Philadelphia. PBR believes that the filmmakers should have banned Springsteen and taken a soundtrack offer straight to Robert Hazard or Kenn Kweder. PFT heard that Kweder did a demo of the song that The Academy loved, but they grudgingly awarded the Oscar to Springsteen.

Tim, a comic book enthusiast who often discusses the art form on the show, is not looking forward to the Armageddon Now: World War 3, the infamously bad Rob Liefeld's story based on The Book of Revelation. He fears that God's thighs will be the size of five tree trunks stapled together. PBR notes that Liefeld did the Henry comic. PFT confirms that PBR is referring to the balding little boy who didn't talk. Tim mentions that Liefeld gave young Henry huge, rippling pectoral muscles. Tom wonders if Henry is related to Harold, the purple crayon guy, since they have a very similar appearance.

PBR remembers a particularly edgy Henry strip where he killed his mother with an axe for being all up in his stuff. Tom doesn't believe the matricide ever happened. PFT assumes it appeared in a Sunday strip. PBR says it was a Wednesday, the day the least amount of people read comics. Tom thinks it was probably in some weird Philadelphia newspaper. PBR thinks it might have been, but the then admits it wasn't in an actual newspaper. He drew the violent Henry strip in question. PBR believes it counts as an official strip because it was committed to paper. Tom points out that the actual Henry artist didn't do it. PBR says his version didn't look anything like the real thing. Tom says he doesn't picture PBR being that good of an artist. PBR says he's not very good because he's not sure if he's left- or right-handed. He draws with both at the same time, kind of like he's jabbing the paper with a knife. PFT says that these admissions explain the newspaper in the studio with a Scotch-taped Drabble comic strip where the father has an affair. PBR takes credit for it, and PFT doesn't think it's that bad. Tim is having a party with all the comic references flying around.

Tom reveals a little-known fact: PFT had a flair for artistic pursuits as a young boy. PFT was concerned that Tom was going to mention Hitler's youth art. He confirms that he enjoyed drawing pitchers and comics, but he stopped and never went back. He's impressed that Tom knows a lot about his past. PFT says that after he graduated grammar school, drawing ceased to be an outlet for him, so he transitioned into studying comedy. The new form gave PFT a whole new crowd of people he could make pay attention to him in high school. Tom thinks that if PFT had stuck with art and comedy, he might be the new Mort Drucker, crafting caricatures for a 2008 version of the "Lighter Side" strips. Tom notes that Mad Magazine has never once been good in its 65 years of existence. PFT agrees that this is problematic for the publication. Tom refuses to even give them the Howard Kurtzman years. PBR mentions their Jaws parody called Gums. He giggles when recalling that the shark didn't have no teeth. PFT says that if it wasn't actually called Gums, the editors should dip into the archives to fix it.

PFT says he drew for years and never progressed past a certain point of skill. Tom imagines that he drew a lot of aerial scenes with planes flying through the air and shooting at tanks with dotted-line bullets and single-line lasers. PBR says he still does that. PFT says that he would go over it in a red pen if he had one handy. PBR notes that the red color indicates the blood spillage. PFT says that he favored large battles involving the Army and Navy and drew several flaming humans. In the end, it was easy for him to put the pen down and close the sketch notebook. While PFT saw steady improvement with his comedy, he was mostly unable to draw accurate human shapes.

- Brian calls from Columbus, OH, and PBR asks him if he's headed to Stache's later tonight. Brian informs PBR that the club closed for good a long time ago. PBR seems disappointed, and he asks Brian if he'll go to Little Brothers instead. It's also closed. Tom wonders how the Philly-centric PBR is aware of defunct Ohio music venues. PBR says that he checks them out on the Web. Tom has recently discussed the Columbus scene via the exciting Great Plains reunion. Brian hopes they play a local show, but he's not holding his breath. Tom prefers that they only play the East Coast dates with Big Dipper, thus torturing Brian with the memory of one his greatest local bands skipping a hometown reunion gig. PBR asks Brian if he thinks The Highwaymen would open a hypothetical Great Plains show at Little Brothers. Brian is not familiar with the band, so PBR calls him a Columbadummy. PBR mentions Ronald Koal & the Trillionaires as another potential supporting act. Brian knows that Mr. Koal is dead. Tom wonders if The Zen Archers were from Columbus, and PBR shows off his Internet research by correctly citing Scrawl as a Columbus band. He then scolds Tom for mentioning the Ass Ponys. PBR questions the kind of show Tom is running with his use of such foul language. Brian points out that the A Ponys were actually from Cincinnati. PBR says he's still waiting on that .jpg from Julie. Tom asks PFT not to judge PBR for desiring this image. PBR makes it clear that he will be the one to judge everyone else.

While Brian was poking around on IMDb he noticed that the next Quentin Tarantino project will be Inglorious Basterds, the World War II movie that has been in the works for 11 years. PBR is initially surprised that Tom doesn't like QT, but he realizes that it's because Tom thinks the filmmaker is a smug creep. Tom points out that while QT's peers like PTA are creating mammoth masterworks, he's still reveling in pop culture pastiche and aping the plots from dumb Hong Kong movies as a template for his profane dialogue. PFT wonders if QT will be able draw from any previous Pam Grier appearances in WW2 films or steal some karate battle sequences. Tom believes that QT would have cast Welcome Back Carter's Robert Hegyes as Daniel Plainview if he had helmed TWBB. PFT suggests that QT could have tapped Tom Selleck to launch another career revival a la John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Brian one-ups everyone with the ultimate casting coup: Howard Hesseman. PFT says that he did love Hessemann on WKRP in Cincinnati. PBR mentions Jan Smithers, the actress who played Baily Quarters, and PFT says he's rediscovered his love of her. Tom figured that PBR would be more of a Loni Anderson fan. PBR admits that this is true. In fact, he was recently discussing some dreams he was having about her.

PFT asks PBR if he's ever done any work in comedy. PBR says he's dabbled in it because he's always been a funny guy with great jokes. He makes a bold bet that his average material is better than anything PFT, a professional funnyman, could ever craft. PBR asks the host if he's ready to hear it. Tom is thrown by the query because he thought he had shifted into the role of engineer for PBR's show. PBR says he would put a lot more reverb on his voice if he was manning the controls. Tom applies some reverb, and PBR wants it reduced by 8k and then 6k to achieve the perfect effect. Tom quickly removes it because it's distracting. PBR unleashes his joke:

PFT is highly amused by the regional transportation humor. Tom thinks it must be a Philly thing. PBR can't imagine anyone not enjoying a good SEPTA joke. Tom futher cements his status as a Philadummy by not knowing about SEPTA. PFT tells him that it's the Pennsylvania Transit Authority. PBR explains that the R5 is the blue line, and the R6 is the red line. He wants Tom to say that he pitchers these color-coded commuter rails. Tom obliges. PBR requests an update on the status of nem phone lines. Tom says they are completely silent and gives out the number. PBR hates these resets. PFT thinks Tom refers to him as a famouse comedienne, but Tom assures him that used the male version of the term. PBR suggests that the gender confusion could have been due to PFT's ponytail, which he's still sporting from the various small roles he played in Home Box Office's John Adams miniseries with Paul Gianatti. PFT is also a recurring litigant on Lewis Black's Root of All Evil. Tom likes the music ("comedy metal" per PFT) on the show and laments that he often gets so caught up in headbanging that he forgets to laugh. PFT thinks the music ends just in time to give viewers a chance to prepare for the comedy portion of the program. Tom hopes that the amazing band will release a soundtrack. PBR thinks Prong performs the theme song.

PFT, who is as competition-crazed as Mr. Plainview, admits that he is unable to appreciate the work of other comedians. He can't fathom that performers like Seth Herzog or Frangela dare to share the same comedic universe. PBR says there's only room for one #1, so PFT will have to battle it out with the top-notch Cavemen. PFT is mad that ABC left everyone hanging by canceling the series after only six episodes. Tom thinks the storylines will continue in the commercials with the GEICO lizard doing the voiceovers.

- Dan in Hoboken 07030 calls on a night he did not eat at Benny Tudino's pizzeria. When he does dine at BTs, he can't eat more than two of their monster slices. Tom respects Dan's culinary restraint, especially since you can get a slice the size of your head for $1.30. If you add a second slice, you are essentially getting a full pie. Tom suspects that the absence of a good pizza cutter causes the employees to abort their attempts to create a standard, eight-slice product. The defeat allows Zabras to purchase $11 worth of pizza for under $3.

Dan says that he traveled to Philly this past weekend to catch a Mets vs. Phillies game. He's a Mets fan, and PBR obviously doesn't like to hear that. Dan thought that he'd get razzed by drunken Phillyites for wearing a Mets hat on enemy turf. While he wishes that he could report on the misbehavior of Phillies phanatics, some obnoxious Mets fans were the people looking to start fights by gleefully high-fiving each other. PFT says if you go looking for a rumble in Philly, you won't find it. The locals like to be in charge of when the fights start and when the first round of batteries are thrown. PBR reveals that people prefer to sneak up behind intruders at the end of the night and pelt them with batteries as they walk back to their cars. PFT believes the Mets fans should have quietly enjoyed the game and then left town. The Phillies fans lull the aggressors into a false sense of security as they merge onto 95N, a brief moment of calm before they begin firing batteries right into the temples of the departing visitors. Dan says someone did jump a guy from behind towards the end of the game. PBR is glad it all worked out.

- The soothing sounds of Samir in Florida serve as a Blue-like balm after the flare-up of geographical warfare. PFT thinks Samir always sounds very elegant on the phone, and Tom has seen pictorial evidence that confirms Samir as a classy guy. PFT wonders if he's a bit of a dandy. Tom says that Samir's keen sense of style reminds him a bit of PFT's sartorial swagger. Samir says he tries to model his look after PFT whenever he can. PBR picks up an accent indicating that Samir is from Eng-uh-lund, perhaps a town called London. Samir tells PBR that he's from the north part of of that town. PBR notes that Black Sabbath are also from Upper London, but Samir reveals that the band actually hailed from Birmingham, England. PBR doesn't think that is correct. Samir says that when frontman Ozzy Osbourne could talk he had a pretty thick Birmingham accent. PBR is not familiar with Osbourne. Tom informs him that Ozzy is the lead singer of Black Sabbath. PBR believes the band's vocalist was Ronnie James Dio. Samir says he was one of many singers, and PFT agrees that band has gone through several personnel changes over the years. PBR wants the host to move on and let the caller speak his voice.

Samir thinks PBR may disagree with his topic entry: Playboy's "Girls of The Olive Garden" initiative. Tom can't wait to see the results of this talent hunt. Samir is leery of offending The Olive Garden, but Tom is more than willing to declare it one of the worst restaurants in America. PBR thinks it's classy and and admires the family-style approach. Tom halts the discussion because he just got an angry e-mail from Casey from Astoria, who didn't appreciate not getting much of a shot this evening. Tom refuses to accept any blame for Casey's two flameouts. PBR wants Richie from Eng-uh-lund to proceed. Tom rips The Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat salad bar -- an unholy spread of oil and vinegar atop limp iceberg lettuce served alongside Wonder Bread® molded into the shape of legimate Italian bread. PFT urges everyone to find the clip of one of Hugh Hefner's 15 wives explaining her passion for The Olive Garden. Samir says it's available on YouTube. PBR makes a note of the site. Tom gives a thumbs down to The Olive Garden, Playboy, and YouTube. PBR thumbs-ups everything Tom just thumbs-downed. PFT is surprised that Tom included YouTube in his indictment. PBR asks for the next call, and Tom obeys him. He's not sure why he did that. PBR thinks Tom is preparing to have him serve as the next mayor of Newbridge.

- Alice in Richmond calls, but Tom still can't get past Casey's angry missive. PBR wants him to call back. Tom reads the full e-mail:

I didn't appreciate the fact that you didn't give me much of a shot this evening. I was entirely prepared to add something to the "Lines or No Lines" topic, but I was attempting to be polite and introduce myself. As your novice callers often tell you, it can be a nerve-wracking ordeal to phone The Best Show. I think your hook was a little too quick.

Tom issues a five-year ban on Casey with a provision stating that any calls made before late April 2013 will trigger a new seven-year ban starting on the day of the infraction. Tom remembers that Alice is on the line. When she used to foster cats for the Humane Society, one of her finds was a big dumb cat that was missing half of its tail. Alice offers this truncated appendage as being decidedly Not Right. She brought him home and then adopted him six months later. Tom says that Alice's kind actions are not Not Right. He is pleased that Alice's entry managed to cancel out Casey's snooze calls and bitter emails. Alice counts this as her good deed for the week. She says that she named the cat Chester A. Arthur because of its sideburn whiskers. PBR recognizes Arthur as a Senator. Tom tips his hat to Alice for delivering a good call.

- Joanna from Portland, OR, fields a set of questions about her plans for the evening. PBR displays an even broader knowledge of rock clubs by asking her if she's going to Doug Fir, PFT opts for a visit to Powell's bookstore, and Tom suggests a session at the Odditorium, The Dandy Warhols warehouse space modeled after The Factory. PBR announces that The Dandys are his favorite band. Joanna prefers not to take a public stance on them. PBR asks for her take on Poison Idea. She's okay with them.

Tom mentions the late-great Pig Champion, and PBR confirms that the oversized guitarist "passed on." Tom wants to find a picture so PFT can behold PC's Brimsteadian fat rolls. PBR recommends checking the IMDb listing for The Pig Champion Story. PFT wonders if PC was a former Mr. Universe. He also suspects that PBR is mistaking Babe for the non-existent Tom Roberts bio-pic. PBR wants to make sure that Tom doesn't confuse Pig Champion with his bandmate, Steve "Thee Slayer Hippy" Hanford. PFT reviews an image and wonders about the official cause of death. PBR reports that Pig Champion died of girth. Paul was leaning more towards a fatal lightning strike. Tom proposes two alternate theories that give PC an even more tragic and heroic sendoff. In the first scenario, Pig loses a struggle to breathe that ensues when someone breaks into his residence. The second puts Pig in line to make a deposit during a bank robbery. After one of the robbers hits an old lady with the butt of his rifle, Pig gets shot by an accomplice while fighting back. Tom abandons these theories and returns to PBR's original finding: Pig Champion died after eating everything. He tells PFT that PC talked a bit like Jimmy Cagney. PBR is ready for Julie (sic) to proceed.

Joanna believes that ROFLCon, the Internet meme convention launched by Harvard and MIT, is Not Right. Tom thinks the two schools are strike one and two against the event. PBR wonders if Paul Higgins from Conventions, Inc. has a role in the production. Joanna says that she doesn't know anyone who would willingly admit to being involved in it. Tom wonders how anyone is funny post-Harvard since everything they do while enrolled as students sounds completely stupid. He mentions the Harvard Lampoon recently giving its "Woman of the Year" award to socialite/actress Paris Hilton. Tom shames the rich jerks. PFT doesn't think a man wearing a dress cuts it in 2008. Tom has no interest in Harvard sickos. Joanna says she will not attend ROFLCon. PFT wanted to further explore the details, but Tom has to move things along.

- Liza calls from Fishtown! PBR loves it! He wants to hear all about her row house, and Liza says it's nearly right under I-95. PFT assumes that she's calling from a nearby pay phone, but she's on her cell. PBR requests the name of her Block Captain. Liza thinks it's a man named Roger. PBR asks her if she ever goes to The Fire. She's been there.

Liza says that last Friday she ended up at a Clinton rally of 100 people near Fishtown. It was a weird experience that included getting hit in the face with a "Team Hillary" t-shirt thrown by Mayor Michael Nutter. Nutter was joined by Governor Ed Rendell, but he had to excuse himself before Bill Clinton arrived to hit the gay clubs with Chelsea Clinton to promote Hillary to that demo. Liza thinks it's wrong to pimp Chelsea out as the fun, young girl. Tom wonders if Liza was just walking down the street when she got stuck in the middle of the Clinton event. Liza says it was held at a weird venue near her house. She is not quite a member of Team Hillary. PBR says that he doesn't like the gay club thing at all. PFT thinks it makes sense because Chelsea Clinton and Ed Rendell are huge gay icons. He notes that you can see people dressed up like them at any Gay Pride parade. PBR says the duo are always voguing.

- Wes calls from Hillside, NJ, but it's not the Wes who has garnered praise for his ample supply of FOT Chat quips. PBR wonders if this Wes is the Hillside Strangler. Wes appears to be angry about being linked to the murdering cousins.

He also doesn't think that Chocolate Skittles are right. PBR saw a commercial for them today, but he ain't never had none. He does enjoy the original Skittles because they are very fruitful. Wes says he popped some of the candies thinking they were M&Ms. PFT asks him if the new flavor combines fruit and chocolate, or if it's just chocolate. Wes says it's chocolate with the same consistency as the fruit Skittles. He gets mad again. PBR says he would hate to be Wes's lover. PFT doesn't think they sound that bad. Wes asks everyone to imagine tasting a S'mores-flavored Skittle when you're expecting a grape one. PFT assumes they came in a brown bag and were clearly labeled as a chocolate product. PBR asks Wes if they have marshmallows in them. He says they don't, but they taste like it. PBR asks Wes to stop yelling at him. PFT tells the murderer that his story is full of holes. Tom asks him if he's wearing the skin of the person who sold him the chocolate Skittles. Wes says that he should be draped in the flesh of this rogue retailer. Tom gets rid of him. PBR is ready to take the final call of the evening.

- Brock in Portland, OR, thinks that PFT may remember him as someone called the "CIA Facebook Guy." Nope. PFT says that while it could not have been a more specific thing to say, it could not have run less bells in his mind. Brock's Not Right entry is George Bush's appearance on last night's Deal or No Deal. Tom and PFT agree with his pick. The embattled Commander in Chief provided a taped message for a contestant who received a Purple Heart and Bronze Star after three tours of Iraq as a US Army officer. Bush, decked out in a Sammy Sosa jersey and clearly tipsy, offered gratitude for his service to the country and hoped an appearance on a popular game show was sufficient compensation for the torment of wondering if he would make it home alive.

Brock also wants to get PBR's assessment of W.C. Fields's standing as a Philadelphian. Fields, who was born in Darby, PA, often made fun of his city, which he may have referenced in an epitaph that he proposed for himself in a 1925 Vanity Fair article. The quotation has been cited in many variations, such as "I'd rather be other places than here," the pro-Philly "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia," or the parting shot, "Better here than in Philadelphia." PBR believes that the first version appears on his tombstone. He wants the host to IMDb the quote or research it on tombstones.com. Tom can't do any fact-checking because he already shut down his computer to make way for Small Change. PFT isn't sure that's the exact quote. Per Wikipedia, the actual tombstone in Glendale, CA, reads "W.C. Fields 1880-1946. Spike Will Continue My Legacy of Hate."

PBR asks Small Change what he will cue up as the first Blancmange tune of his set. Tom suggests "Blind Vision." Small Change counters with something from Visage, and PBR requests "Blocks on Blocks." Brock offends Tom by asking to do the legal station ID before he hands over the reigns. PBR thinks it was very presumptuous. Tom does not grant the rude request. PFT asks Tom if he can ratify a bill during the show's waning moments. Tom points out that The Best Show is not a fontasy baseball league or spring training with Billy Crystal stepping up to the plate. PFT mentions that Crystal was very funny on Letterman the other night. PBR thinks Crystal is always funny. Tom has noticed that the Jazzman's face appears to be in the process of melting off. PBR loves Crystal's Joe Franklin impression, and he also enjoyed him in Dr. Midnight. PFT thinks the film was called Mr. Saturday Night . PBR is referring to he movie where Crystal kills the people. He realizes that he was thinking of Dr. Giggles.

Small Change gives the go-ahead for some overtime riffing. PBR wants to know what Tom has in store for nem listeners next Tuesday. Tom says he has an exciting topic lined up. He plans to find out who people would like to inflate with a pump until they explode. PBR thinks it would be interesting to pump up the two people who said they were going to pump YOU up. PFT identifies the pair as Hans and Franz, the Austrian bodybuilders from SNL. PBR doesn't think those are the correct character names. He's leaning towards the Wild and Crazy Guys played by Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin. PBR wonders if Tom would pump PFT up. PFT suggests inflating the jerky Idi Amin because he's still mad at the Ugandan dictator. PBR believes that Amin knows what he did was wrong. Tom still hasn't come to terms with Libyan leader Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, who remains America's biggest threat. He is certain that Ma-G is waiting for the dust to settle before busting right up the middle when nobody's looking. PBR says that he will be ready for the attack as the sitting mayor of Newbridge. Tom has a bad feeling that PBR is going to win. He's heard the platforms of the 20 other candidates, and PBR is not the worst one. PBR is in the process of gathering dirt on his competitors, and he sees Glenn Danzig as his biggest threat because he has a lot of smart ideas. However, Danzig may have trouble convincing voters to elect someone who is only 3' 8".

Mike appears to be conducting his own show in the background. Tom says that he may get a fill-in host one week so he can do Mike's show. PFT asks Tom if he ever feels like he's screening calls for Mike. Tom is beginning to realize that Mike tosses off the weirdo riff-raff while keeping the great, fresh callers for himself. While Mike often conducts five-minute coaching sessions to mold mutants into proper callers, Tom doesn't think he would be patient enough to let anyone through if he was screening. He compares Mike's show-shaping efforts to Fred DeCordova, the longtime director/producer for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Tom asks PFT if he would consider running for mayor. He's never been a politics guy, but PBR says that is not a requirement for this particular election. PFT reluctantly agrees to throw his hat into the ring and obtain the required 37 signatures. PBR don't like it because now the Philly vote will be splintered. PFT thinks he has a lot to bring to this town.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Sheila Larson calls to not refute the reports in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald about her torrid love-making sessions with a pre-steroidal Roger Clemens from 1989-1991 and then one time in 2002 when the embattled hurler was in town for an autograph signing at the now-defunct Baseball Buddies hobby shop at Newbridge Commons. The shop closed a year later after it congealed into a solid block of stale gum, pine tar, and Brien Taylor rookie cards.

One more for all the Phillyites:

Posted by Omar at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

I realize, now, that I have been swimming, many times, with sorcerers.

Posted by x amount at 6:18 PM | Permalink | Comments

"You think they'll get this one? Think they'll get it? A little clue: check you calendar. Check your calendar on this one. Check your calendar, and then maybe you'll get the joke." - Tom, dropping some hints about his timely spin of "Taxman"

"Oh, there's many more things I've done, but, you know, I figured I'd start with that." -- Leon Carbone, purging the guilt about a $20 paper route theft

"Not even gonna say what it's a stain of, just trust me. It was gross." -- Tom, declining to reveal a civilian gamer's complete filth handle

"I'd be shootin' down the bad guys left and right, flying all over doin' loops." - Tom, touting his (real) fighter pilot skills following a brief tutorial

"What if that was Heaven? What if you passed away, right, and all of a sudden you realized Heaven was Ridgewood, N.J.?" -- Tom, asking a caller to consider the possibility that he's already living in the holiest tract of God's Country

"Mike says he wrote vampire books. He's disputing your claim that he didn't write a vampire book. Mike says he wrote a book called Bleh Bleh." - Tom, informing Bonnie about Mike's (mis)understanding of Christopher Buckley's bibliography

"Where will you get the nice food from? A different city?" - Tom, wondering where Stephen in Chicago will get the good eats to entice him for a visit

"I thought it was comin' back when he said that AriZona Iced Tea was healthy because it was from Arizona." - Weirder Jon, waiting for Petey to go on another Hot streak

"You know the Rolling Thunder Revue? Mike was in that. He played kungas." -- Tom, informing a Dylan enthusiast about Mike's role in the traveling caravan

"My hands!!!!!! My hands!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! I can no longer weave magic!!" -- A professional gamer, breaking his fall -- and shattering his fontasies -- after slipping outside a McDonald's

"Wouldn't a Thermos be on the ultimate hot streak and cold streak?" -- Tom, striking topical gold with a vacuum flask

"I'm looking forward to it because I'm gonna rip Dr. Pepper off so much with that." -- Tom, getting very thirsty for some Chinese Democracy

"USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!" -- Tom, chanting for his country after a caller put the American dollar on a Cold streak in the international currency markets

"Wait, let me get this straight, you are DJ, yet you don't know who Black Sabbath is. Ok! Looks like I took you to school, no?" -- Newly-frocked Pablo Fontana, advising Tom on the value of the Ronnie James Dio era

"Well, you know, it gives me pleasure. It gives a lot of people various pleasures." -- Pablo Fontana, justifying his use of the controversial "apparatus"

"I think I know why. He is Nazi." - Pablo Fontana, speculating on the Pope's refusal to kiss the D.C. tarmac

"What about call screener Sherman? Will he be there? - Pablo Fontana, trying to line up guests for his four-hour Pancake Communion

"What is thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" -- Pablo Fontana, requesting a definition of the term "ecumenical"

"Lot of people talked the s hit about tu." - Pablo Fontana, noting that many Newbridge parishioners criticized Tom while in his confession booth

"Look, Michael Jordan would have no idea who I am, but if he met me, he'd see it. He'd see the aura. He'd give me the nod." -- Tom, explaining that greatness recognizes greatness

"That's right. I was waiting for somebody to say that! Why do you think I even did this stupid topic?" -- Tom, rejoicing after Jason put The Best Show on an eight-year hot streak

[TBSOWFMU - 4/15/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Dead Child - "Screaming Skull"

( Click here to buy Attack)

Turbonegro - "Get It On"

( Click here to buy Apocalypse Dudes)

Void - "Ignorant People"

( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)

The Faith - "Nightmare"

( Click here to buy Faith/Void/Faith)

The Tokeleys - "Mausoleum" (from Sons of Horus)

( Click here to visit The Tokeleys' Myspace page [Also check out Ponce De Leon L.A.)

The Kyle Sowashes - "Korea"

( Click here to buy Yeah Buddy!)

Go Sailor - "The Boy Who Sailed Around the World"

( Click here to buy Go Sailor)

The Great Plains - "The Way She Runs A Fever"

( Click here to buy Length of Growth 1981-89)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- Dan McNamara says that PBS is handling the marketing campaign for his Redeeming Rainbow project. He thinks it's stupid, and Tom agrees. He GOMPs McNamara because he's not going to spend more time talking about something that its co-creator admits is stupid.

Tom doesn't think he can do the show tonight, but he will proceed with another installment because this radio king has not lost his crown. He hopes the courageous few who dare to call in the pre-topic portion realize that they are merging onto the highway to a danger zone where they only have 30 second to deliver "the goods." Tom welcomes the ABBA box back from its three-week vacation. He certainly missed his good buddy, but Mike wanted to permanently switch it out for a Procol Harum box set. Tom would not stand for that. He knows he can't go around the scary, flashing phone line. He has to go right through it.

- Leon Carbone calls to apologize for stealing from some people. Tom stops the clock to hear more about his criminal past. He also wonders if Leon is all there. Leon reveals that he is not. He confesses to stealing $20 when he covered for Matthew C.'s paper route while he was in the hospital for an appendix operation. Leon needed the money to buy a Harley-Davidson wallet. The theft occurred 20+ years ago, and it's been eating up Leon ever since. He says he doesn't really feel any better after admitting to the crime on the radio. Tom thinks he's marked because he did a bad thing and prescribes a good dose of humiliation. Leon says he's done many other unsavory things, but he wanted to start with this one. While he did feel like a bigshot walking around with that new wallet, it was not worth the years of torment it hath wrought.

Matthew acted like nothing was wrong aside from giving Leon some strange looks. After he moved away, Leon tried to get back in touch with him by using resources ranging from a P.I. to the Yellow/White Pages. Tom thinks a P.I. may be a bit excessive for a two-decade-old $20 infraction. Leon says he was a man on a mission to do the right thing, but Tom thinks he's doing the weird thing. At this point Tom suspects that Leon intended to call a Werner Herzog Dogmay 95 show on another station. He hopes Leon is sufficiently humiliated and ashamed by his actions. Leon says he's unemployed, which doesn't surprise Tom, and he's looking for work as a driver of getaway cars delivery trucks. Tom thinks he's unemployable because the stink of untrustworthiness glows off him like an aura. He can't imagine anyone giving him the keys to a truck containing a payload. Tom believes that Leon is a shoegazer because he's afraid people will start seeing through his shady walk and talk. Tom doesn't hold anyone's gaze because he's highly intimidating and too cool for school. Leon says he will often set his eyes in a blank stare without making any eye contact. Tom says others would probably fear bodily injury if he did hold their gaze.

Tom wants Leon to obtain three $20 bills via legitimate means and put the cash towards a good cause as restitution for his past misdeed. Leon says he's donated $32,000, which he received from an inheritance, to charities such as Doctors Without Borders, the Council of Indian Nations, the Redd Kross, and his ill sister. Tom thinks it's time to put the H-D wallet situation behind him and forgives Leon to the tune of The Who's "A Quick One, While He's Away." Leon thinks he pulled a real lowlife move, and he's not sure that his generosity makes up for it. Tom is certain that any further attempts to contact Matthew would just spook him out because he's forgotten about the whole thing by now. He thinks Matthew probably learned to be more cautious because dirtbags often rum amok in this evil world, preying on people who are hospitalized. Leon says the paper he collected on was the Staten Island Advance. Since it's a horrible newspaper, Tom rules it a draw and GOMPs him. He felt like he was talking to Harry Dean Stant-ton, and he knows that's the correct pronunciation because HDS yelled at him when he said "Stanton" on the set of Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project. He applauds director John Landis for kicking off a documentary about a comedy legend with HDS playing his awesome harmonica solo.

With just 1/6th of the show gone, Tom feels like he needs a shower to remove the Leon Carbone grime. He wonders how many people Carbone has killed in a communal, prison shower via strangulation or soap-bar beatings. He puts the over/under at 3. Speaking of murders, Tom, acting on advice of his legal counsel, apologizes to the fine young man named Ross for threatening to impale his body on the Colgate Clock. Tom believes Ross is free to dislike the show. He's not even a fan of the show after the last call. In honor of Taxday, Tom proposes an evergreen topic to see which listener has gone the longest without filing. He allows the use of a fake name to avoid tipping off the authorities. Tom suspects Leon Carbone is the man to beat.

- Tom has previously mentioned his love-hate experience with the Gameplay HD network -- he thought watching other people play video games was the dumbest thing ever until he realized that he had been mesmerized by it for 25 minutes. Tom recently woke up at 5:30 a.m. because it was one of his training days, and he promptly sat down in front of the television with a dozen eggs and a glass. He tuned into the weird pre-The Today Show zone on NBC, but quickly moved on because Ann Curry and Natalie Morales had yet to boot the third-stringers trying to hold things down. He flipped over to Gameplay to find a 2-on-2 tournament for the fighter-pilot game, Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation. The finals pitted the winners of the civilian bracket against the winners of the military bracket. Tom reports that the civilians were extremely arrogant about their impending victory over actual Air Force officers who fly actual planes. The players took the stage wearing flight suits for their fake combat. (One hopes they were also strapped in and wearing helmets.) Tom is not suggesting that you have to worship the military, but he found the civilian behavior to be inappropriate.

As one might expect, the players opted for crazy handles instead of their given names. The civilian pair consisted of Adam "----- STAINS" Wheeler and Leslie "THEBOOGIEMAN83" Brown, both members of the Annihilation Aces squad. Tom declined to say the first part of Wheeler's handle because it was gross. The civilians prevailed and treated the military men like they were losers, offering meager handshakes and more taunts. Tom is not surprised they won because it's a video game instead of a real military mission. He was not impressed by the talk about how much work went into their tournament performance because they are home playing video games all day long, while their competitors are proudly serving their country on an Air Force base. Tom thought the civilian duo was acting like they were pilots from another division of the military that does not require active duty. One of the defeated military guys congratulated the civilians and suggested the result might be different if they ever entered the cockpit of a fighter jet. Tom says the civilians did not even notice the burn, preferring to take the position that the weak military smack talk was not cutting it compared to the miles they logged in the virtual airspace. Tom can't remember what the civilians did for a living, but the Best Buy sales floor seems a likely workspace. According to Kern's new publication Video Game Nasties, "S hart Stains" has been consulting with Tornado Todd on LifeChanges' forthcoming Pimp City IV: Pippin's Revenge.

Tom is very confident that he would have clobbered anyone in the field if he had 15 minutes of Ace Combat 6 practice. He also believes he could do loops and shoot down bad guys in a real plane after a 15-minute tutorial. Tom plans to strive towards becoming a member of the Blue Angels for the next chapter of his life. He doesn't think it would be too difficult to reach that level of aerial skill.

- Stuart evades the 30-second clock by announcing that he's been evading his taxes for six years. He initially blames his delinquency on schooling, working a little bit, not schooling, and not working, but he admits that he was really just confused about when he had to file. He decided it was easier to just not bother with it. Tom thinks it was the right decision. Stuart says he doesn't have "crap" to report, but he realizes he's playing with fire. He's not looking forward to the end of this story because he's pretty sure he was supposed to report his massive amount of student loans. Stuart says his mother didn't pay taxes for 20 years before finally coming clean to the IRS, aka the DC Snipers. She was ready for the guillotine, but the IRS did nothing. Stuart views his mother as a role model, giving him a free ride for another 14 years. Tom blesses and GOMPs him. He doesn't think paying taxes is a party, but he still does it.

Tom is reminded of an e-mail he once sent someone to get some feedback on something his accountant did. He called his accountant a bad name in this message. It got bounced back and forth, and he accidentally forwarded it to his accountant with the name-calling still present in the chain. Tom says he felt like a jerk on that one. The accountant responded by apologizing for Tom thinking that he was an FWD. Tom considers this incident one of his lowpoints, and another low is the straight-up flop of a show he's currently doing. He thinks he's been on a cold streak since the marathon. The pilot light is out. The callers stink. Tom turns his failure to ignite into tonight's topic(s):

1. If you had the world's biggest coil-action spring, who would you put atop that spring to launch into the ozone?

2. You have a shrink ray, which allows you to shrink anybody on Earth down to an inch. Who would you shrink?

These are not the actual topics. The real topic is: HOT Streaks/COLD Streaks. Tom wants to hear about the hottest of the hot and the coldest of the cold. He gives two examples:

HOT: Francis Ford Coppola in the early 1970s (The Godfather, The Conversation, The Godfather Part II)

COLD: Post-Seinfeld Michael Richards (The Michael Richards Show, racism)

Tom also wants to borrow a page from "WFMU's Prank Patrol" by finding the absolute least popular DVD in the Netflix inventory to have the FOT in various regions add it to their queueueueue and mark the sleeve. Ideally, the distribution warehouses would only stock one copy of the final selection. Tom thinks Strotesick is a candidate, but he wants to hear more ideas throughout the show. Maybe Monster-in-Law?

- Mike calls from Ridgewood, NJ, which Tom considers to be God's Country. Mike hopes to God that it's not the chosen land. Tom asks Mike to consider the possibility that when he dies he will realize that Heaven is actually Ridgewood, N.J. Mike says he'd wish for another chance to pass away. Harsh words! He heard the pro gaming chatter, so he wanted to mention that this past weekend the Meadowlands hosted a video game tournament called Loser Fest 2008. The action included The CouchbreakersTeam Final Boss, a top-tier quartet comprised of Walshy, Ogre1, Ogre2 and Strongside (ages 19-23), defending their MLG Halo 3 title . Mike is not a member of the team, but he does know the guys. He says that Red Bull sponsored a nice afterparty. Tom, who had his own recent mutant encounters at the Meadowlands, can't imagine the sight of these gamers waddling around.

Mike says Final Boss has an MLG contract worth $250,000 whether they win or lose, and they win an additional $100,000/year in various pro tournaments. A gaming entrepreneur known as "Tsquared" just got sponsorship from Panasonic, and he also runs Gaming Lessons, which teaches kids how to play videogames for $110/hour. Tom's glad that Tsquared is contributing to the betterment of today's youth. Mike says Tsquared's exploits led to a front page feature story in the Wall Street Journal about a year ago. Tom is surprised his image fit on the front page and wonders how many dots were required to sketch out his likeness. Mike confirms that Tsquared is a big guy, but he's fit because professional gamers have to be marketable. Tom is glad that he had no idea about that stuff because the world has gone topsy-turvy is if that is true. Mike points out that when Tom was growing up most kids favored traditional outdoor recreational like baseball and football. He asks Tom how many kids (in the 7-15 age range) he now knows who don't play video games. Tom says six of the nine youngsters he knows are not gamers. Despite Tom's anecdotal evidence to the contrary, Mike says he's noticed a trend towards most kids playing video games. Tom thinks this shift is like the cultural wasteland depicted in Mike Judge's Idiotocracy.

Mike asks Tom about the difference between video games and chess. Tom thinks chess is also stupid. Mike points out that it does require players to think and develop strategies. Tom says he's never played the game, but if he played for two days he guarantees that he would be winning awards like chessmaster Bobbie Fischer. Mike says occasional Wizards guard and pro blogger Gilbert Arenas is one of the chief financial backers of Final Boss and writes them a check every other day. Tom thinks it's fantastic that society continues to move closer to the edge of the cliff. Tom gets rid of Mike because he was making him sick to his stomach. He compares Arenas to a gunner like "Pistol" Pete Maravich, racking up big offensive stats but never winning anything. I was really hoping that August called to join the gaming discussion.

- Casey calls from Astoria, but he has to wait for Tom to finish one of his signature moves: getting over his anger at Mike's video game riffs. Tom thinks it was clear that he wanted everyone to know that he was tight with the Final boss dudes. He predicts that 50 years from now one will have to explain whether they play video game baseball or the brand of baseball that requires actual leg movement. Tom points out that real baseball is already lazy -- standing around and sitting -- but it's still too active for the gaming youth of today and the future. Casey takes the bat for the topic.

HOT: the unprecedented mid-1970s run from Neil Young (Time Fades Away, On el Beach, Tonight's el Night, Zuma).

Tom suggests starting a bit earlier to include Young's best albums, such as After el Gold Rush, Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere, and Harvest. Casey is receptive to this idea.

COLD: The Rolling Stones post-Some Girls

Tom thinks Casey is an exemplary, first-time caller and logs his name for ROY consideration. As we approach the end of Q1, the crop is very thin after the Steve from NoHo flameout. Tom says he would have a hard time giving Julie from Cincinnati the honor because she's a little lot scary. Casey's humble approach to his chances and a polite signoff confirm he's a legit contender. Will there be joy in FOTville come year's end?

- Brian calls from Columbus, OH, home of The Great Plains, who are doing it again. He laments that the band probably won't play there because none of the locals attend rock 'n roll music shows. Tom will get to see them open for Big Dippers later this month.

HOT: Arrow Smith's first four albums (Aerosmith, Get Your Wings, Toys in el Attic, and Rocks)

COLD: Arrow Smith's post-Run-D.M.C. "Walk This Way" collaboration "comeback" years - present.

Tom is on board with this Hot/Cold hybrid. Brian thinks it's a bit sad that the band sells more records now then when they were good. Tom reminds him that nobody sells more records now. He thinks they are Good Enough Guys who earned some cash by swindling a dimwitted public during a late-career surge after delivering a string of albums that people will always remember. Brian takes solace in knowing that the band made more good records than a lot of bands. Lighthouse Confession: I've always been partial to the Crespo-heavy Rock in un Hard Place, and I think Honkin' On KTBobo can hold its own with their early work. I also once placed Permanent Vacation as the #3 album of 1987 (behind Appetite and Hysteria, just edging out Pride and Scum) in a year-end list I submitted to Forced Exposure. It was not published because Jimmy Johnson and Byron Coley are dirtbags. The official explanation was that I got bumped by last-minute entries from Trotsky Icepick's Kjehl Johansen and Nurse With Wound's Heman Pathak. Whatevs. At least Coley later wrote a glowing review of my "Mo Vaughn" 7" (1993, Taang!), saying it was the best thing Paul Q. Corduroy ever produced.

- A caller blasts Tom's ears and wants to request a track, but he starts stammering when asked for the specifics. Tom Jameses James before he could launch into his little song and dance routine. He tells the little creep to go soak his toupee. Has James been exiled to The Lounge?!

- A caller can't believe that Tom was talking to the guys in Final Boss. (He wasn't.) He thinks it's amazing. Goodbye!

- Tim from Ellensburg, WA starts another quality call with Evan Dorkin's HOT 1990s run of 18 great books while also writing for Space Ghost Coast to Coast. His COLD streak is post-Jedi George Lucas.

Tom is annoyed by how the supposedly awesome CGI in the prequels already looks like something any kid could do at home. After a brief window of awe, technology has already caught up. Tim finds a lot more charm in the dated effects of the original trilogy becase they created a sense of wonderment about how they pulled it off. The more recent films were clearly just the result of Lucas barking orders at designers about adding additional horns to characters for the eventual action figure. Tom agrees that Lucas let everyone down, but he thinks we can all move past it because we are no longer children. Tim has successfully replaced Star Wars with the exciting The Venture Bros.

- Samir in Florida calls as Tom continues to piece together the first half-decent show since the marathon. He tries to cheer Tom up by saying that they've all been at least half-decent. Samir takes down a sacred cow with his COLD streak: Robert Deniro. He argues that the actor hasn't generated any heat since appearing in John Frankenheimer's 1998 actioner Ronin. Tom wants Samir to take him on a tour of Deniro's IMDB page so he can assess the temperature of his recent movie roles.

• Analyze This (COLD)
• Flawless (HOT COLD)
• Rocky y Bullwinkle(COLD)
• Men of Honor (COLD diving picture)
• Meet the Parents (COLD)
• 15 Minutes (COLD K-Dog!)
• El Score (COLD)
• Showtime (COLD despite lighting it up with Eddie Murphy)
• City by el Sea (COLD despite being shot in Asbury Park)
• Analyze That (COLD)
• Godsend (COLDest of the COLD during the COLD streak )
• Shark Tale (voice) (COLD)
• The Bridge of San Luis Rey (COLD)
• Hide y Seek (COLD, features spooky kid)
• Arthur y the Invisibles (voice) (COLD)
• El Good Shepherd (also directed) (COLD)
• Stardust (COLD)

Tom thanks Samir for a top-notch call and appreciates his wishes for a good week. He commends Samir for caring about what happens to him after the show, unlike the rest of the vultures who want to get their thrills for three hours on Tuesday night and then put him in cryogenic storage until the next show.

- Abraham from Boston serves up a HOT one: Richard Kind 1992-2002 The Simpsons from 1991 through 1997 (end of season 8). He thinks it was unbeatable television during this run, boasting a superstar writing staff that included people like Greg Daniels, who is now the showrunner for the U.S. adaptation of The Office. Abraham noticed a gradual decline in quality, and he eventually stopped watching. Tom thinks it's reasonable to move on from a long-running show if it no longer brings it. Abraham says he first got into the show when he was little, and those episodes still bring him laughs and smiles now. Tom's happy for him because it's a hard to find beauty in this hard (and sick and sad) world we live in. He wishes there was a song that encapsulated how wonderful the world can be.

Early pre-visualization footage from David Fincher's adaptation of Christopher Buckley's best-selling vampire novel

- FOT fave Bonnie from Georgia is ready to contribute to the topic after getting some guidance from the wonderful call screener, Klaus. Tom likes him and his good heart. Bonnie agrees that he's a nice person. Tom whispers that Rudolph is making him say positive things.

HOT: her favorite author, Christopher Buckley (Thank You For Smoking, Boomsday), the son of the late William F. Buckley.

Bonnie isn't quite sure if she's on a hot streak of selecting his awesome books, or if he is on a hot streak of writing them. Mike begins ruining his nice-guy reputation by claiming that Buckley writes in the thriller genre and penned a vampire book titled Bleh Bleh. Bonnie no longer thinks that Mike is a kindhearted man. Tom says he's just misinformed. Bonnie says she needs to tell Tom about two horrible things:

1. She will be gone all summer working as a counselor at a camp, which will prevent her from listening to The Best Show live. Tom says she will be missed. Bonnie knows it will be hard to get through the week, but she thinks she can do it.

2. She ended her stint as the tambourine player for the praise band On Purpose because it was no longer worth the drama that came with it. Bonnie says the band is still thriving and probably will not look for another tambourine player. Tom hopes they don't because Bonnie is irreplaceable.

Bonnie promises to make a final pre-camp call. She wishes Tom a good night and asks him to tell Mike the same. Tom relays the message, and Mike responds with "What's it to you?," indicating the Buckley-based Bonnie rift is something to keep an eye on.

- The art-tist known as Scott T has a COLD streak: Home Box Office's original programming. Tom's surprised because the network will unfurl a hot new season of the Weird-O-Wood laffer Entourage in September. Scott will give him that, but other than Big Love, HBO is hurting from the loss of Rome, Deadwood, Curb, The Wire, and The Sopranos in the last couple of years. Tom reminds him about the buzz surrounded the animated version of John from Cincinnati. Scott says he heard that the kid from MTV was up for a voice role, but Tom says this is a rare project that is not attached to Andy Milonakis. However, he can confirm that Spielberg is reshooting all of Shia LaBoof's scenes in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Milonakis as Indy's new greaser sidekick.

Scott offers a quick apology on behalf of Renee, the Australia-based cartoonist/illustrator who was GOMPed last week for potty mouth. He says she is deeply embarrassed and was confused about the family-friendly format. Tom accepts it because Scott has clout around here.

- Connor calls from D.C., so Tom wonders if he's inside the Dischord House. He says he is, then he isn't, and then it becomes clear that he has no idea what Tom is talking about. Tom GOMPs him for being from D.C. and not knowing about this historic residence. He recommends that Connor enroll in local rock school with a curriculum of Faith/Void and High Back Chairs. Learn!

- Scott calls from Birmingham, AL, and Tom thinks he can probably guess what he's required to ask him about. Scott guesses that it involves the level of Ku Klux Klan activity in his area, but Tom was simply going to ask him about the weather. Scott says that winter is back after a few weeks of summery temperatures. He's wearing shoes, socks, and three thermal robes to keep warm, and he could also battle the conditions with the lifelong HOT streak of music from Billy Childish. Scott says if you see his name on the record, you know it's a quality product. Tom agrees 100% because you don't have to worry about Childish pulling a nonsense overload like Sgt. Pepper's on his unsuspecting fans. He picks Childish as the hottest hot streak of the night. Scott thinks Woody Allen's COLD streak may be as long as Childish's hot streak. Tom is surprised that that his films are even exhibited in Alabama. Scott says that Annie Hall, which was released to the rest of the country in 1977, just hit local theaters. Tom assumes it's paired with Witless Relocation as part of a double feature. Scott says it's also on a bill with Delta Farce. Tom doesn't think that is still in theaters, but Scott assures him that it's still playing there. Touche!

- Herbie in Philadelphia calls while skating on thin ice for his previous attempt to take over the show with a topic about first-world problems. He's ready to leave that in the past and adhere to Tom's topic, which he shortens to just "Hottest Hot." Tom's not into that, but Herbie says it was so hot that he had to get it out quickly. Tom gives him a pass and mentions that a Herbie fan sent him an e-mail request to lay off a bit. Herbie's HOT streak is 99 Records, especially his all-time favorite, "Stretch" by Maximum Joy. He also notes the fine work from ESG, Liquid Liquid, Bush Tetras, and Glen Branca. Tom thinks Herbie is on the road to recovery and laughs when he hangs up as Herbie was still speaking. It never gets old.

- Stephen in Chicago calls to represent a city currently entangled in a marathon love-making session with The Best Show. He says he was shocked at how many people from Chicago did the right thing by pledging to WFMU last month. Tom thinks he needs to travel to Chicago to meet his adoring fans. Stephen promises Tom a good time with some nice food. Tom asks him if he will acquire the nice food from a different city. Stephen says Tom can find some nice vegetarian fare at Soul Veg and a killer, tall bike-friendly establishment called The Handlebar. Tom confirms that the employees do not sport handlebar mustaches.

HOT: Joel and Ethan Coen (aka "The Coen Brothers") for their run from Blood Simple (1985) through The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)

COLD (via his girlfriend): Metallica (The Black Album - present, including the embarrassing flameout documented in Some Kind of Monster )

Tom believes that heavy metal music is for children and dumb adults who still get through life by cranking up "Master of Puppets." He has had his fill of the band's thrashy rage. Stephen quotes a lyrical gem from St. Anger's lead single "Frantic": "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle!" Needless to say, that will be the last time the band collaborates with Robert Hunter. Tom gives a thumbs down to the entire genre. Stephen reveals his alternative HOT streak in case Tom disagreed with the Coens: the first five Can albums. He boldly declares that this the hottest streak of any Krautrock band of the time. Tom says he is not unwrong about that.

- Jeff from Springfield, MO, wonders if Jerry Seinfeld takes his HOT/COLD transition personally because he's always played himself. Apparently Jeff forgot about his scene-stealing turn as "Network Rep" in The Ratings Game, now running exclusively on Shout! every Wednesday at 3:35 a.m. Tom points out that Seinfeld left the game post-Seinfeld, occasionally surfacing for an afternoon of work on 30 Rock as a break from promoting Bee Movie or defending his wife's cookbook.

- Derrick calls from Detroit, but he is not Derrick Coleman, nor is he a particularly big fan of Derrick Coleman. He has also never shopped at Coleman's SNYX Sneaker Studio, which is located in Auburn Hills Commons next to where the Faygo Hut was before Violent J drank it. Derrick has a HOT streak: the Wu-Tang Clan from Enter el Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) through the first round of solo albums, including Ironman, Tical, Only Built For Cuban Linx ..., Liquid Swords, and Return to el 36 Chambers: El Dirty Version. While it's been hit and miss in subsequent rounds, Derrick did enjoy the Wu-Tang Clan's 8 Diagrams, released last December. Tom is, of course, a Ghostface enthusiast, but he's not a big fan of Bulletproof Wallets or his latest release, El Big Doe Rehab.

Derrick says he definitely prefers El Pretty Toney Album and Fishscale. He downloaded More Fish, but he never listened to it because it seemed like it was just scraps. Tom recommends checking it out. For his COLD streak, Derrick summons the courage to cast a chill on Uwe Boll's entire icky oeuvre of video-game adaptations. He admits to never seeing a Boll film, and The Best Show judge strikes this entry from the record.

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood suggests that Ghostface's Apatow-like rate of production might be affecting the quality of some of his records. Tom urges Ghost to ease up on the gas pedal a bit. WJ thanks Tom for reading the entirety of his epic fan-fiction piece, Where Turkeys Dare, a riveting tale of an attempt to rescue Bob Saget from the fires of The Hate Pit. Tom gives other listeners the greenlight to try to write their own fan-fiction, which could lead to a new contest if he ever decides to end the Video & Art contest that began in early 2007. And ... it's ova! Tom ends the contest right now.

The Winners:

1. Neil Numberman - The Best Show Poster
2. John K. and Brian M. (and TLS?) - Rambocky
3. Eryc Why - "School Bus"
4. Kibblesmith - "Tom Hates Jokes"
5. KickTheBobo and Dorvid - "Scharpling Sings!"
6. Gregg Schigiel - "Super Hero Harvey"
7. Emily and KickTheBobo - "Best Show Book of Memories"
8. Chris V. - "Tom vs. Everyone"

I'd like to give Sploops, the Master of MS Paint, an honorable mention for his nice work.

Art Contest Winner UPDATE: On 5/25/08 Tom retroactively added the great James Turek to the list.

Tom laments that Petey no longer contributes artwork to the program and recalls the HOT streak of his early years. WJ says he thought Petey was about to catch fire again when he recently remarked that AriZona Iced Tea was healthy because it was from Arizona. The fan-fiction contest is now in session. It will end sometime in 2011.

- Colin in Los Angeles says he's a little bummed that Tom didn't mention his video contest entry, but he spoke a bit too soon because Tom was about to add the awesome "Rock 'N' Roll Dreams'll Come Through" to the winners lineup. Colin thinks everyone who entered is a winner. He also thinks that Robert Altman was on a HOT streak in the 1970s, directing a string a masterpieces, such as MASH, Nashville, McCabe & Mrs. Miller, 3 Women, The Long Goodbye, and Brewster McCloud. Unfortunately, Bob went on a 30-year COLD streak with his next 61 snoozefests. Tom says he likes Altman to a degree, but his films don't make him get up and do a dance. My favorite late-period Altman is the underrated gyno romcom, Dr. T & the Women, which confirmed my theory that if you cast Kate Hudson, Shelley Long, and Tara Reid in the same film, you will get very good results.

- Listener T from Los Angeles says that Pixar Animation Studios is on an unbroken HOT streak. Tom wonders if they can keep it going this June with the release of WALL-E. LT thinks it looks pretty good. He thinks Walt Disney Animation Studios has been on a COLD streak since Emperor's New Groove (2000), especially their weak CGI efforts like Chicken Little and Meet the Robinsons. Tom thinks LT is dead-on with his entries.

Tom starts yawning because Starbucks was out of venti cups, and he had to settle for Timmy von Trimble thimble of coffee. Tom thinks a barista should have driven to another Starbucks three blocks away and picked up a stash of 25 more cups.

- Supercaller Erika from Baltimore thinks that MTV has been on a COLD streak in the past decade aside from Human Giant and a few other bits of programming . Tom mentions that the H-man, his radio rival, is a featured performer in tonight's season finale. Call screener Maxwell hands Tom a piece of paper to remind him about yet another contest winner: Emily and KickTheBobo's "Scharpling on ... Impudence!". KTB earns the hat trick, making this contest his Titanic, if that doomed steamship had sprouted wings to avoid its iceberg-induced sinkout.

- Rory from Philadelphia takes a break from listening to Electric Love Muffin to contribute Bob Pollard's HOT streak from the mid-1990s, including Bee Thousand, Alien Lanes, Under the Bushes Under the Stars, a billion EPs, and assorted songs, right up to the present. Tom will take it. Rory returns to Neil Young for his COLD streak throughout the 1980s. He cites the subpar Old Ways, Everybody's Rockin', and Life as examples, although Tom likes all of those records. He's also a fan of Landing On Water, especially the track "Hippie Dream."

Rory recommends El Pink Floyd y Syd Barrett Story for The Best Show Netflix project because he's waiting to receive an elusive copy from the warehouse in Seattle. Tom asks Rory to log onto his Furnstein FOT account to start a thread so people can vote on the Netflix options. He did it! Furnstein considers the Kevin Allin documentary Hated, but he suspects some creep in Arizona will never return their only copy of it.

- 2007 ROY Eddie comes in with a swagger to propose an underrated HOT streak: The Kinks' 1965 to 1971 run of El Kink Kontroversy, Face to Face, Something Else by El Kinks, El Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society, Arthur (Or el Decline y Fall of el British Empire), Lola versus Powerman y el Moneygoround, Part One, and Muswell Hillbillies. Tom approves of all of those records. Eddie thought they started to lose it with the Preservation albums. Tom likes Part 1, but he can't abide by Part 2. Eddie and Tom agree that Everybody's in Show-Biz, Soap Opera, Schoolboys in Disgrace, and Sleepwalker (a couple of good tracks) are not too hot. After making a comeback of sorts with Low Budget, they cooled off again with Give el People What They Want and Word of Mouth, which led off with "Do It Again." Tom loves the fact that Eddie does it again every time he calls.

Eddie's COLD streak is the last, largely-uninspired 30 years of Hunter S. Thompson's writings. Tom knows what he means, although he thinks there is still some stuff worth reading. Eddie closes with two quick sporting HOT streaks: the Boston Celtics during the Bill Russell era and John Wooden's run of 10 national championships in his final 12 seasons at UCLA. Tom's on board with those, but he's a bit confused by Eddie putting the Chicago Cubs on a COLD streak. Eddie claims the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908, but Tom is pretty sure that they won it all in 1999. He checks online and confirms that the Sam E. Sosa-led team defeated the Yankees in five games. Eddie says he must have missed that one. He gave it a nice try, but even Eddie can't get 'em all.

- Charlie in Austin gets swept back into the video game discussion before he can address the topic. Tom apologizes for going back an hour, but he wants to know if Charlie has heard of these "superstars" making the rounds on the pro circuit. Charlie was not familiar with these crettens. Tom can't shake the thought of these gamers, and he doubts that they are really physically fit because their trips to the gym probably just involve thumb workouts for better controller handling. Tom thinks the best you can hope for with these guys is to have them slip as they exit a McDonald's and meet one of two undesirable fates: totally eating it on their face or breaking their fall with their hands, thus damaging their only moneymaker. He imagines the fallen gamers crying out in pain as they realize they will no longer be able to weave their magic. Tom says he doesn't really wish pain on anyone, but he believes that a young person making lots of money (and immediately burning through it) playing video games could benefit from a dose of harsh reality. He considers entering this world to get a piece of the action. Charlie suggests taking up Donkey Kong like the nerds in King of Kong. Tom wants to talk to Billy Mitchell about this.

M.I.A. stinks up the stage on Saturday Night Live!

Charlie proceeds with his problematic HOT/COLD streak: Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam. You probably know her by the stage name M.I.A., and Charlie thinks her recordings have been hot stuff. However, he heard that her live performances, including a recent appearance on Saturday Night Live, are not strong. Tom tells Charlie that M.I.A. has never been the musical guest on SNL. Charlie says she was on "some show." Tom GOMPs him for operating with a faulty playbook and trying to throw M.I.A. under the bus despite not knowing what he's talking about.

- Emma calls from a chilly-for-Spring Toronto and asks Tom how things are going in N.J. Tom is surprised by this thoughtful query and asks call screener Jor-El if anyone has done this in the preceding weeks and months. The answer: No one! Tom thanks Emma for her good manners. She has some first-call nerves, but Tom tells her to relax because she is off to an auspicious debut. Emma explains that she was headed to bed because she had nothing to contribute to the topic, but her dad came up with something. Tom questions the decision to retire for the evening because she's in the same time zone. Emma says it's a school night, and she has to rise at the ridiculous 6:30 a.m. to allow for enough time to eat breakfast, shower, and hop on the TTC for an hour commute. Tom has been put in his place!

Emma's dad put the rock group Guns N' Roses on a HOT/COLD streak. She was a bit reluctant to share his entry because she is not well-versed in the band's history and temperature changes, but she was able to do some quick Wikipedia research while on hold. Emma says she discovered that Dr. Pepper recently offered every American citizen a free can of its sodey if the long-gestating Chinese Democracy is finally released in 2008. She notes the two exceptions: original GNR guitar hero Slash and onetime GNR v2.0 shredder Buckethead. Emma thinks the exclusion is a little mean and judgmental. (Axl recently announced that he will share his Dr. Pepper with Buckethead since some of his performances will appear on the final version of the album.) Tom's not too concerned because he bets the two musicians can afford to buy their own refreshments. He is rooting for the release because he loves Dr. Pepper so much. Emma wonders how the company will keep track of all the GNR prize redemptions. Tom is getting ready to rip Dr. Pepper off in a big way.

He plans to tour all of the local 7-11 outlets with a fake mustache, beard, and a stash of crazy hats in his car like O.J. racing down the freeway in his Ford Bronco to elude the LAPD. Tom will also employ a variety of accents. If Das Sieben Und Der Elf is participating in this offer, he will have to be at the top of his game to swindle Werner and Rutager. Emma suggests putting pins in a local map to avoid a potentially disastrous double dip. Tom tells Emma about an American holiday called "Halloween." Emma says it sounds vaguely familiar. When Tom was a kid he was the master of scoping out the house with the good stuff and making repeat visits. He says that while most people carried a bag of candy, he had a bag full of costumes, such as a reversible, multicolor ghost sheet and a pirate ensemble with a shifting eyepatch to confuse the gullible homeowners. Tom would put on a fake beard to achieve a Pirates of the Caribbean look.

Emma is surprised that Tom had PotC when he was a kid. Tom wonders how old Emma think he is. Emma says she heard he was 64 years old, and Tom is quick to point out that he's going to be 64 this year. He informs Emma that the recent Johnny Depp PotC trilogy was a remake of the 1950s original (one of the first color films) with a superstar cast: future President Ronald Reagan, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, and Oliver Hardy. Stan Laurel auditioned for a part, but lost out to Budd Abbott. Lou Costello was too busy to do the film. Tom mentions that Laurel & Costello teamed up for their own film project, but he can't recall the title because he wasn't a big Costello fan. Tom asks Emma if she's ever heard the famous "Who's on First?" routine. She thinks it's hilarious. (No she doesn't.) Tom bids her goodnight so she's not late for school tomorrow. He thinks he found another new ROY contender. Another T-Dot Supercaller in the making? The Canadians are coming! Stay tuned.

- Frank in Weehawken grabs his notes because he wants to sound professional when he's on the air. Tom loves the new breed of caller who comes prepared, exhibits good manners, and generally just goes with the fun flow. He denounces the rude batch of callers from the previous administration -- the "Lauries of the world" who only care about themselves. (Laurie vigorously objected to this charge on the FOT chat.) Tom gives Frank permission to proceed with his HOT streak: Apple, Inc. for the past decade. Tom thinks the ultra-thin MacBook Air is one of the company's rare flops because he has no interest in slipping a computer inside an envelope. He also points out that there are still many places that still lack WiFi connectivity. Frank doubts this is much of a problem for Tom because he likely stays at AAA hotels. Tom informs him that hotels are generally rated according to a star system. Frank then remembers that AAA is an automobile association that gives him a discount at low-end hmotels favored by assassins like Anton Churg and those looking to hide suitcases of money in the air ducts.

Frank is afraid that Tom will take offense to his COLD streak: terrestrial radio. Tom gets angry ("How dare you!"), but he doesn't really care. Frank's second COLD streak is sales of recorded music. Tom erupts again ("How dare you!") because he believes that is inaccurate. He changes his mind and says that Frank is absolutely right about the sharp decline in recent years. Franks also thinks obscure pop singer Britney Spears is on a COLD streak.

- Kevin in Brooklyn makes up for Connor's lack of D.C. knowledge by awarding a HOT streak to the great Fugayzee Limousine Co., from "Waiting Room" all the way through The Argument, their last album before putting the fleet on an indefinite hiatus. He adapts his entry into a career-spanning HOT streak for Ian Mackaye, including his pre-Fugayzee work in Untouchables (actually featured Ian's brother, Alec) and Minor Threat and weird side-projects like Egg Hunt. Tom assumes that Kevin heard the surprising news that Minor Threat are definitely reforming to play the Summer Rock 'N Roll Pizza Parade Tour (also featuring Earth, Wind & Fire, The Rubinoos, and Miles Davis) with session percussionist Ray Cooper replacing original drummer Brendan Canty. Kevin doesn't believe it, but Tom tells him that he read it today on Pitchfork. He's depressed because he had a lot of respect for their resistance to reform. Kevin puts Billy Corgan on a COLD streak, but he gives him a break by marking it at the post-Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness era. He was tempted to start it with Siamese Dream. Tom gives thumbs down to Billy Corgan and Kevin.

- Dave in Ithaca, N.Y. via Mountain Lakes, N.J., thinks Bob Dylan was on a HOT streak with his string of consecutive albums from the early 1960s through the mid-1970s, starting with El Freewheelin' Bob Dylan. Tom knows that Another Side of Bob Dylan followed, but he's not sure if Desire was after that. Mike, resident Best Show Dylan scholar, confirms that it was and helps Tom list the rest of Dave's streak:

• Bringing It All Back Home
• Highway 61 Revisited
• Knocked Out Loaded
• Dylan y The Dead (live)
• Blonde on Blonde
• Shot of Love
• John Wesley Harding

Tom lets Dave in on a little-known piece of Mike's bio: he played the kungas for the Rolling Thunder Revue. Dave wants to hear more, but Tom knows that Mike doesn't want him to talk about his days in the caravan. (Hint: Scarlet Rivera and some 'ludes). Someone on the chat mentions that Mike forgot about Self Portrait, which was released within Dave's hot streak parameters. Dave isn't sure what the problem is because he doesn't think it's a bad album. Tom asks him if he's talking to someone else at the same time. He suggests giving the album another listen and then redrawing the Dylan hot streak. Dave's COLD streak is the sucky American dollar. Tom starts chanting "USA!" because he is a Proud Patriot.

- Eric in Amsterdam says rock star Ted Leo's show last weekend in Dublin did nothing to cool off the HOT streak of his last three albums: Living with el Living, Shake el Sheets, and Hearts of Oak. Tom thinks Eric needs to add The Tyranny of Distance to complete the heave ho four in a row. Eric promises to revisit the record to give it his proper attention. He says Ted and his band brought a lot of energy to a less-than-capacity Sunday night crowd. Big Steve was so into it that he drilled a hole in his drum head, causing Ted to fill the repair delay with some solo acoustic tunes that did nothing to stop the momentum. At the end of the show, Ted came back out with just a piece of paper to ask the audience to let him sing a song (possibly "Óró sé do bheatha 'bhaile") in the Irish language. Tom identifies this language as English. Eric claims that the Irish have their own language, and Tom wants him to stop making things up. Eric thinks that Ted could confirm this, but Tom and Ted had a falling out and are no longer on speaking terms. The crowd was hesitant to let Ted perform in their notoriously difficult native tongue, but they started fist pumping after he nailed it. Tom looks forward to hearing Ted do a song in American on his next stateside tour.

- Mark from Livingston thinks Harold Ramis was on a HOT streak with The National Lampoon Radio Hour, SCTV (early years), Animal House, Meatballs, Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Back to School. Tom strikes Stripes and GOMPs Mark for including it.

- A caller with what appears to be a Spanish accent offers another HOT streak: Heaven y Hell, Mob Rules, and Live Evil. Tom's not sure what band released those albums. The caller wants make sure he's clear on what just happened: Tom is a DJ who is not familiar with Black Sabbath. He thinks he just took Tom to school via the band's 1980-1982 material. Tom points out that the hot trio is from the Ronnie James Dio-era of Sabbath, which is not his favorite run from the band. The caller thinks the often overlooked period should count for something because it had a huge impact on Greg Ginn and his com ... com ... compatriots in Black Flag. Tom is willing to accept that these Sabbath records had an influence on the evolution of their hardcore sound.

The caller also wants to rrrratchet up the previous Dylan entry for his COLD strrrreak: Empirrrre Burlesque, Knocked Out Loaded, and the extremely chilly Down in el Groove. Tom forgot about the latter record, which contains "Silvio", a track Dylan co-wrote with longtime Grateful Dead lyricist Robert Hunter, who recently played a show at Club Pizzazz in Newbridge. Tom thinks Dylan really lost his way during that stretch. The caller does think "Ugliest Girl in el Mundo" is an interesting track because it features Steve Jones y Paul Simonon from The Clash.

Tom thinks he recognizes the caller's voice, but he can't put a name to it. The caller is certain that Tom knows him because he's spoken to him several times and provided much spiritual guidance. It's Bishop Pablo Fontana, the self-proclaimed pop-culture pontiff who called last May to discuss his plans for the first papal visit in Newbridge history. He's calling tonight to ask Tom for a favor because he lost his "in" with Pope Benedict XVI after his recent scandal. Fontana hopes that Tom doesn't make him explain the details of his transgression. Tom recalls that last week Pudge referenced Fontana's use of a weird "apparatus," which appeared to be a supercharged version of the device that got Judge Davies disbarred. Fontana objects to the idea that it is weird equipment and asks Tom not to judge him. He says that Tom is not allowed to judge him because he judges Tom. Fontana corrects himself because he could now only judge Tom if he was reinstated into the church. He claims that he got frocked for using the apparatus, but Tom says the correct term for the dismissal is defrocked. Fontana doesn't seem to buy it and notes that he's currently wearing a smock because he's doing some painting.

While Tom characterizes the apparatus uproar as a "strange situation," Fontana says it gave him pleasure. He mentions that the apparatus gives various pleasures to a lot of people. He says he'd be glad to give Tom a demonstration because he's always looking to turn more people onto said pleasures. Tom does not immediately accept the offer, having already declined Pudge's offer to send him a .jpg of the apparatus. Fontana says he's basically become "persona au gratin" from the Catholic Church. Tom tells him the correct term is persona non grata. Fontana wants to know what that is. Tom says that "au gratin" refers to a food technique. Fontana wants to take the debate to call screener Rrrricardo. Tom tells him that his name is Mike. Fontana disagrees. Mike agrees that "au gratin" is a French culinary preparation, while Fontana was attempting to use the Latin phrase translating to "an unwelcome person." He accepts the correction because you learn something new every day. Regardless of the terminology for his excommunication, the church has made it clear that they don't want him anymore.

However, Fontana still wants to deliver on his promise to give the Pope an iPod. He doesn't divulge the final playlist, but as of last May he had loaded it with Newbridge bands (Mother 13, The Hey Whoah, Barbershop Sweat, I-ron's Reggae Challenge, The Gas Stations Dogs, and even White Tyger) and planned to include papal-themed music, such as most of The Smoking Popes' Born To Quit and "When In Rome" by Rocket from the Crypt. Fontana also hoped that Tom could work his magic on Yo La Tengo to secure an .mp3 of the band doing a musical version of Sam Kinison's "Robo-Pope" or a cover of "Disco Pope" by The Prats. Fontana says he was a bit miffed by the Pope's failure to kiss the tarmac upon touching down in D.C. earlier today. He was was put off by his decision to bypass the tradition of his predecressors. Tom asks Fonanta if the Pope provided any explanation for skipping the standard smooch. Fontana thinks he knows the reason: he is Nazi. Tom doesn't necessarily agree with Fontana's assessment, but he was not a fan of the decision to elect a Pope who had a questionable past. Fontana asks Tom if he's referring to the rumors that the Pope has spank mags in his proverbial closet. Tom says he has no knowledge of the Pope's predilection for pornographic periodicals. Fontana says everyone was talking about it. Tom wants to move on.

Fontana was very excited about getting the Pope to visit Newbridge so he could bless the sinkhole that has become one of the central issues of the political season. Since that trip is not on his itinerary, he was hoping that Tom could figure out a syrup tissues way to get to him. Tom believes that Fontana was attempting to use the word "surreptitious." Fontana says it's two words: syrup y tissues, which you use to blow your nose. Tom says it's definitely the single word meaning to do something in a secretive manner. Fontana tells Tom that he cannot correct him. He wants Tom to ask call screener Benji to find out why. Tom calls out to Mike, who Fontana thinks might be Benji's assistant. Tom says Mike is the only other guy in the studio. Fontana assumes it is Mike's first night on the job, but Tom tells him that Mike has been the call screener for awhile. Fontana thinks it is best to possibly be moving on.

He has some big news to announce if Tom is ready for it. Fontana makes sure that Tom is strapped in and helmeted. Fontana wants to know what color is helmet. Tom's not sure because he put on his usual figurative helmet. Fontana requests a description of the safety strap. He informs Tom that he was basically lying to God about the fake helmet, and it's going to cost him. Tom says he's willing to take his chances. Fontana reveals that he is tossing his papal beenie into el ring for the Mayubernatorial contest in Newbridge. He tells Tom that he will hear all about his candidacy when he comes to his Pancake Communion on Sunday. Tom says he's never heard of this version of the holy sacrament, and Fontana says it will be the first one ever done. The event will be held in his backyard because he's not allowed to attend a proper mass at church. Fontana says it will be a formal, four-hour ceremony, and all attendees must stand for the duration as they worship him. Tom says he will most likely not be there. Fontana begs him to go, but Tom stands firm in his decision. Fontana wonders if call screener Sherman will make it. Mike, who is also running for Mayor, says he will not attend. Fontana says it will be a hardcore Catholic service, but he's also conducting an economical ceremony. Tom doesn't quite follow what he's saying. Fontana explains that the economical version will be geared towards the non-churchgoing lay man. Tom assumes it will be a shorter version of the full service, but Fontana says it's just for people who are not into the church. Tom isn't entirely sure what word he's trying to say. Mike thinks it's ecumenical. Fontana wants to know what thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat is, and Tom doesn't know, either. He's in the same boat with Fontana on that one.

Fontana wants Tom to guess who will sing speak a song at the Pancake Communion. Tom incorrectly guesses that Fontana will perform. Fontana says his musical guest is one of his best friends who plays speaks in a band Tom's probably seen. Tom has no idea. Fontana gives him two hints: "Stuck Between Stations" and Boys y Girls in America. He refuses to believe that Tom doesn't know that album. Tom guesses it's by The Hold Steady. Fontana yells the name Craig Finn, their frontman, and calls Tom a rockindummy. Tom apologizes for not being aware of the Fontana/Finn friendship. Fontana reminds him that he had previously told him about "This Sinking Feeling Has Got To End," the special charity anthem that he was going to co-write with Finn. At the time he was confident that Finn wrote something to rival "Do They Know It's Christmas". However, Fontana says that he declined to pay Finn for his work because he was not pleased with the final result. He wanted Finn to rock it up a little more like something from the Big Dipper catalog. Fontana says he has tickets for the Dipper reunion show on April 24th at Maxwell's in Hoboken. Tom says he will probably be there. Fontana says he knows a secret about Tom: he is a big fan and wrote liner notes for the new Supercluster anthology. Tom says he can't talk about that on the air. Fontana says his favorite Dipper song is "Hey Mr. Lincoln" from Craps. Tom likes "Mr. Woods" from Heavens. Fontana believes these differences are the equivalent of the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where one person's peanut butter merges with their friend's chocolate to form an entirely new tasty sensation. Tom agrees that it's just like that. Fontana wants him to repeat it out loud. Tom refuses, and Fontana admits he's just yanking el chain.

Fontana hopes he can count on Tom's support because most Newbridge voters have still not moved past the shame he brought to the local community and the church. Tom says he's still undecided and has no plans to enter the race. Fontana thinks it's because he would be unable to obtain the requisite 37 signatures on his petition. Tom is certain that he could. Fontana says Tom wouldn't believe how many times people talked s hit about him when he heard confessions prior to his frocking. He says these people didn't care for Tom or The Best Show, but he would try to give them a different perspective. He would tell them that while Tom is certainly a loudmouth, he means well and plays mostly good records aside from too much Redd Kross. Fontana says he does like the early stuff -- Teen Babes from Monsanto and Annette's Got El Hits -- but he can't handle the later stuff with Gere Fennelly on keyboards. Tom asks him about Neurotica, the bands fourth record. Fontana thought "Peach Kelli Pop" was good, but he doesn't like Robert Hecker because he held his guitar up too high at that time. Tom says he likes Hecker, and Fontana says it's just his personal opinion. Tom says that he's entitled to it. Fontana says "jeepers" and isn't sure how to properly thank Tom for granting him permission to express his views. He thinks it means so much to a frocked father. Tom says he was not questioning his right to have opinions.

Fontana says he's not a fan of Tom right now. He's beginning to think the parishioners might have been right when they said that Tom was terrible and should be put to death. Tom says he's heard it before, and he's sure he'll keep hearing it. Fontana wants Tom to guess what his first order of business will be if he's elected. Tom assumes it will involve him getting hurt or killed. Fontana confirms that he would be hurt and then killed. Tom is not worried because he's been threatened by almost every candidate. Fontana asks Tom what it feels like to know that he will probably be put to death on the first day no matter who gets elected. Tom says he has no control over that stuff. Fontana has to run because he sees Officer Harrups. He has a brief exchanged with him:

Fontana: Whaddya want?

Harrups: ...

Fontana: I did not even make any kind of motion to you.

Harrups: ...

Fontana: (quietly) Piece of crap.

Harrups: ...

Fontana: I didn't say anything.

Fontana begins running away with Harrups in close pursuit. He says he's having trouble running in his robe and tells Tom he'll see him on Sunday at the Pancake Communion. He hangs up.

- Eric from Clinton proposes Jandek on Corwood, a documentary about the titular, Houston-based outsider musician, as a good choice for the Netflix game. He bets they only have one copy because his friend rented it in Baltimore and got the same copy he did. Tom thinks it's worthy of consideration. Eric also wants to extend the Bob Dylan HOT streak to include his 1990 release, Under the Red Sky. He believes that as long as Self Portrait's "Woogie Boogie" is present, you have to include "Wiggle Wiggle." Tom says he can't cotton to that level of craziness. He can cotton to the email he just received from Nate about the ultimate COLD streak: James.

- Mike in Manhattan calls to participate in the topic despite not feeling too well. He thinks Prince was on a HOT streak from 1979 up until "Batdance" in 1989. Tom is shocked that he didn't enjoy that song. Mike says it just didn't do it for him, although Prince won him back a bit two years later with singles like "Cream" from Diamonds and Pearls. Mike says he's amazed that Tom Hanks found work after appearing in Bachelor Party (1984) because that was the start of the actor's early COLD streak. He also cites The 'Burbs (which is great - Ed.), Turner y Hooch, and Joe Versus el Volcano. Tom notices that Mike forgot about a hit fontasy called Splash. (He also conveniently omitted Big). Mike doesn't think Splash is any good, and Tom thinks he's insane. Mike says he doesn't know, man, and Tom agrees with that in the form of a GOMP.

- James calls to say that even he likes Splash. Tom Jameses him within three seconds.

- Adam in Bedford-Stuyvesant opts for the HOT streaks of TheTwo MJs: Michael Jackson (1979-1987) and Michael Jordan, who was a "fairly dominant figure" until he left the NBA for a baseball stint in 1994 and became human. Tom agrees with everything Adam said about Jordan not getting it back after his detour to the diamond except for his second three-peat of NBA Championships from 1996-1998. He GOMPs Adam for not knowing anything. Tom believes that greatness recognizes greatness. While Michael Jordan doesn't know him, he's very confident that the hardcourt legend would see "it" if they met. He'd see the aura and give Tom the nod.

- Evan in Providence thinks newspaper comic strips have been on a COLD streak since Bill Watterson retired Calvin y Hobbes in 1995. Tom traces the streak to at least as far back as Gasoline Alley, which launched in 1918, although he doesn't really know it. Evan admits that it's a bit of a weird one, but he touts Krazy Kat as an example of the interesting work being done in the early days. He points out that the funny pages have shifted from being a newspaper's major selling point to not much more than a brief scan for the obligatory Dilbert panels. Tom does enjoy the popular, well-drawn Scott Adams strip. He's even taken out his pen to draw some of his favorite characters. Tom says he used to love Garfield until the Lasagna Cat people told him it was stupid. He gives them a thumbs down for their efforts to figure out that Garfield was actually terrible.

Evan says that Charles Schulz was on a HOT streak after figuring out a way to do a more authentic comic strip about the darker side of the childhood experience. Tom asks him what the strip was called. Evan says it's Peanuts, featuring a character named Charlie Brown. Tom thought that was the name of the strip. Evan gets a bit too riled up and starts talking over Tom. While it was nothing like a Henry Owings-grade steamroll, Tom still has to get rid of him. He makes it clear that overtalking is an automatic one-way ticket to the Negative Zone where the offending caller will become a plate of glass spinning around the galaxy.

- Mhairi in Buffalo refuses to spell her name and puts gossip blogger Perez Hilton on a COLD streak because he got Jamesed. Tom suspects that Mhairi is James's wig-glue dealer and only friend. The "Toupee Gang" strikes again!

- Dania from Chicago can't believe that Mhairi dared to claim that she perpetrated a Jamesing. Tom compares it to a scenario where he started calling people as Brad Pitt. He's not Brad Pitt; she's not James. However, she is wrapped up in her own nightmare if James is her friend. Tom does an impression of a frantic, marble-mouthed James calling his female minion to get her to do a proxy Jamesing in exchange for ordering an extra tube of wig glue.

Dania ties Michael J. Fox's HOT streak to his starring turns in the Back to the Future trilogy from 1985-1990. Tom suggests going back to 1982 to include the first few seasons of his concurrent work on Family Ties. Dania will not mention any cold streaks because Fox's acting career has been affected by his health issues. She had a huge crush on him due to his appeal as the good "bad boy" of that period. While he was a nice person, he dressed like a rock star with acid-washed jeans, denim jackets, and puffy white sneakers. Tom thinks the current MJF equivalent is the The Jonas
Brothers. Dania is not familiar with these Wyckoff pop rockers, so Tom urges her to get with it and discover the good stuff.

- Herbie from Philadelphia returns because he got cut off earlier. It never gets old. Tom celebrates another abrupt dump by scatting his way to the intro of "Barbara Ann." He's less happy about hearing that troglodytic comedian Artie Lange is planning to publish a memoir. Tom believes that Jersey came up a bit short when it spawned this Double Deuce trash monster.

- Kim from dandy Tampa, FL, discusses David Lynch's ability to run HOT and
COLD throughout his career and even within the same film. She thought Inland Empire started slow, but then got hot for 45 minutes when Lynch improved on elements from his surreal noir, Mulholland Drive. Tom says he can't bring himself to watch the film, and Kim doesn't blame him because it quickly falls apart. She includes Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, and Wild at Heart in Lynch's hot streak. The director then started cooling off with Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Mulholland Drive, and Inland Empire. Tom wants to know how many times Kim has viewed Eraserhead. She says that she prefers to watch it in snippets because its weird, hypnotic tempo often puts her to sleep. Tom imagines that Eraserhead is similar to one of Stevie Blue's home movies. He is now ready to start throwing the old guard -- Blue, Purple Shirt, Petey, HOFers Chris & Gord -- under the bus. Tom misses them, but it's time to move on.

Kim says she's has some concerns about Eric's Jandek on Corwood Netflix suggestion because it may be too much of a cult fave. She just recommended it to someone as the first half of a double bill with Irwin Chusid's hilarious takedown essay. Tom thinks the mysterious Jandek looks like Ted Danson. Kim's not sure if she's actually seen a picture of him, but she imagined him looking like a cross between Scott Walker and Abe Lincoln, which does in fact equal Ted Danson, if he was a quasi-albino. She thought she hallucinated that mash-up, but Tom says her description is dead-on.

- Matt from Fayetteville, AR, says he's enjoying a cold beer in his bedroom after getting off work an hour ago. It's not that guy. John the coffin-shopper is based in Charleston, South Carolina. Matt says he did have a hard day because he had a huge assessment course as his final semester at college winds down. It was rough, but he passed with flying colors. Tom appreciates the strong effort because he wanted to go home instead of doing the show tonight. The Kid came in and showed everyone how it's done with a magical, one-topic wonder. Matt says it's like lightning in a bottle. Tom agrees, but he doesn't know what that means. Matt doesn't know, either. They should have asked call screener Serj. Matt drops two entries:

HOT streak: Neil Innes from 1968-1978-ish (Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band through The Rutles)

COLD: the last decade of Marlon Brando's career. Tom feigns surprise that Matt doesn't care for The Island of Dr. Moreau and The Score.

- Sarah from New Orleans says the phenomenal, futuristic (1994!) sci-fi/rock opera The Apple is a good Netflix choice because she's been waiting to receive it for three weeks. Tom thinks it may be too popular. Sarah says Mark Ibold bailed on dinner because he probably heard a crazed Pavement fan talking about it last week on the show. He's also a "foodie," so he may have opted for one of the city's fine dining establishments. Tom confirms that the definition of a "foodie" is someone who refuses to eat McDonald's or food cooked in Sarah's friend's backyard. Tom thinks the term, which is on a HOT streak, is absurd because everyone prefers well-prepared food.

- Nick from Norwalk fires away:

HOT streak: New Order's 1980s singles

COLD streak: Frank Oz as a director

Nick is reluctant to start the streak with What About Bob?, and Tom nixes it because he loves it. He then unleashes his classic impression of Richard Dreyfuss granting Bob permision to borrow his slicker. Nick goes with Oz's 1992-2004 run of HouseSitter, The Indian and the Cupboard, In & Out, Bowfinger (which is pretty damn good - Ed.), The Score, and The Stepword Wives .

Tom decides to end the show with a blast of unscreened calls and lands a HOFer in Jason from Jersey City. Tom declares his sweet English prince to be a champion as unbeatable at The Wiz. Jason lives up to his advance billing by delivering the HOT streak Tom's been waiting for all night: The Best Show on WFMU, 2000-present. Tom says this was the only reason he even put this stupid topic on the table. He wanted to see if someone out there could add 2 + 2 to come up with the desired response. Jason says that even though he was the only listener to say it, he bets that many others feel the show's heat. Tom fears that The Best Show is yesterday's news compared to what Duncan Clark Little Billy Victor, has up his sleeve. Tom ends the show with three calls in one minute, most notably a guy who held on for 15 minutes to say "Hey" and get hung up on like a common animule.

[Additional HOT/COLD streaks.]

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pope Benedict XVI discusses his visit to Dischord House and recaps his Record Store Day haul from Other Music, Supercaller Paycheque tries to explain the mutant behavior of his T-Dot compatriots, Oscar-winning scribe John Ford promotes the DVD release of the indie sensation Under Seige 2, Borat Oblama checks in from the re-opened Hooterville on PA primary night, and Leon Carbone calls to say he's sorry about all that cancer. He was just on a roll.

For Call Screener Winston:

EXCLUSIVE footage of Tom's first flight with the Newbridge Blue Angels. Well done, sir!

This is Recap #100.

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"If I walk outside, it's like a museum of rednecks, but we don't have a museum of cigarettes." -- Andy from Knoxville, filling Tom in on the local tourist attractions

"I hate men, and if I am President ..." -- Hillary Clinton, addressing primary voters last week outside a Wawa in Roxboro, PA

"Someone might want to check the books. Hoboken might be bankrupt." -- Tom, blowing the whistle on the city's corrupt comptroller after Mickey Dolenz was announced as the headler for the Arts & Music Festival

"You better not show up here next week in a Sgt. Pepper's outfit. I'll throw you off the roof." -- Tom, threatening Mike with bodily harm if he dons the blue satin suet

"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest

"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market

Oh, Tom. All you wanted were bootlegs. Is that so much to ask for? I thought this was America? I got three copies of Gone Troppo, that doesn't entitle me? Bootleg guy got raided." -- Tom, lamenting his failure to score the good stuff

"My flame wasn't as big, but it had a bigger impact ... on my brain, anyway." -- Bryce, noting the potency of his alternate Olympic torch/bong

"Oh my God, now you're pointing a gun at me! Oh my God! No!" -- Bryce, begging for mercy from an old, white-haired man who is not Tom Scharpling

"Maybe he appreciates pageantry!" -- Tom, suggesting an alternative reason for Doddy's enjoyment of Busby Berkeley musicals

[More to come.]

"I said like 'damn' and stuff." -- Pudge, losing his cool after hitting his thumb with a hammer and stuff

"Well, it's like, it's like the seventh note of like this, I don't know, it's like, you know, of this scale, and there's like, you know, after like that note happens, there's like this, I don't know, there's this big desire like to kinda resolve to the tonic. You know, the tonic and stuff." -- Pudge, explaining a crucial fakeout in the second movement of Gustav Mahler's "Symphony No. 5 in C-Sharp Minor"

"It's just kinda like stupid stuff I do and stuff." -- Pudge, downplaying his renowned composing career

"Like a baby could run and stuff. I 'unno, I mean, if it, I 'unno, I guess if its dad said it was OK and stuff? Or its mom and stuff? -- Pudge, wondering if a Newbridge newborn could run for mayor with parental consent

"I don't know, probably like have you put to death and stuff." -- Pudge, tentatively announcing his first act in office

[TBSOWFMU - 4/8/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W]

Lost Sounds - "Future Touch"

( Click here to buy the Future Touch EP)

Bad Times - "Listen to the Band"

( Click here to buy Bad Times)

Game Theory - "24" (from Real Nighttime)
Game Theory - "Make Any Vows" (from The Big Shot Chronicles)
Game Theory - "Chardonnay" (from Lolita Nation)
Game Theory - "Room For One More, Honey" (from 2 Steps From The Middle Ages)

( Click here to buy OOP Game Theory things)

The Pastels - "Empty House" (from the "Crawl Babies" 12")

( Click here to buy A Truckload of Trouble: 1986-1993)

Eat Skull - "No Intelligence"

( Click here to buy the "Dead Families" 7")

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

- Brian the Hypnotist announces that he's been holding, and Mike erupts in hearty laughter. Tom issues a swift GOMP!

The Best Show is back for another Tuesday night extravagonza featuring the traditional triumvirate of mirth, music, and mayhem. Tom treated listeners to 21 minutes of the music portion of tonight's entertainment, opening with a track from Kelley Stoltz and ending with a double dose of The Dirtbombs. He saw the same configuration this past Sunday night, and The Dirtbombs were so fired up that they had no problem delivering the classic 1-2 punch of "Underdog" / "Ode to a Black Man" early in their white-hott set. Since the ABBA box is still on vacation, Tum pleyed Agnetha Fältskog's "Oom terer fure-a goold" frum zee Sum jeg er elboom. He rounded out the set with Small Faces's "Tin Soldier". Tom commends the band for seeking out the more modest Rod Stewart to replace egomaniacal frontman Steve Marriot after he left to form Humble Pie. He's not sure if it's Open Phone Tuesday, but he does know that anyone who calls pre-topic will be on the 30-second (Colgate?) clock.

- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville escapes the tick-tock because his elite status grants him the eternal greenlight. He always felt that the remaining Small Faces gave Marriot, who was 4' 8" and weighed 72 lbs., an intentional slap to the face when they dropped the "Small" from the band name. Tom points out that the rest of the band were not exactly Brad Garrett-like giants. Dave says that Stewart is a fairly small man, but they still ditched the adjective. Tom agrees that it was probably a stinging message to their former singer. Dave wants to call Marriot to confirm his theory, but he died in 1991.

Dave informs Tom that his son, Andy from Knoxville, wants to share a big announcement with the Best Show audience. He passes the phone to Andy, who throws his hat into the ring reveals that he will be in NYC this Friday as part of a chorus trip. Andy can be a tenor or a bass, and Tom wants to hear a sample of either octave range. Andy regrettably declines because of a sore throat, and his gruesome coughs a bit later in the call confirm his illness. Tom supports his decision to save his voice for the trip, but Andy says the choir will not be performing in the city, which is a shame because many tri-state prog enthusiasts were looking forward to their legendary rendition of Yes's "The Ancient (Giants Under the Sun)." They will, however, get their musical fix by seeing Wicked, Mary Poppins, and Phantom of the Opera. (I guess High Fidelity was sold out?) Andy is excited about the theatrical trifecta, but Tom wonders if it's punishment for setting fire to the school. Andy says their strict teacher often takes out his anger by subjecting mischievous students to opera and classical music. Tom points out that people in the NYC area take the vast Broadway options for granted, while those in Knoxville have to settle for local productions of Glengarry Glen Ross starring Dave. Andy laughs at the thought of his dad acting in general, let alone in a profane Mamet piece. I could see Dave pulling off the swagger and soliloquies of Richard Roma.

Andy will become the second member of the family to set foot in NJ (Martha from Knoxville beat him to it last September) when he arrives in Jersey City around 4 p.m. on Friday prior to setting off for a tour of the Statue of Liberty. Andy says he's frequently been told that he raced up and down the entire structure in an ADHD-aided 10 minutes when he was younger. He dismisses it as "boring tourist stuff," but Tom thinks it's good to honor America by checking it out. He compares it to him going to Knoxville for a tour of the cigarette museum. Andy says there is no cigarette museum (yet), but there is an open-air redneck museum to enjoy if you walk around anywhere outside. Andy is not too enthused about the rough, 17-hour bus trip that awaits him, although he'll pass the time by watching Monty Python films. He's used to 12-hour car rides to the beach, so this is just another five hours with a stop halfway in Harrisburg, PA, on Thursday night. Tom thinks his teacher must really be mad at them. He salutes Andy and wishes him a safe trip.

- Spike calls on what appears to be a Dixie Cup wired with dental floss, but he claims he's using a cell phone in his kitchen. Tom assumes he lifted it from someone's office while they were at lunch. He imagines a victimized co-worker suspecting the weird guy wearing a CBS-FM "Doo Wop Shop" satin jacket and a Chucky t-shirt as the likely culprit. Spike says he needs to get one of those shirts. Tom can't believe that he's still thinking about the Child's Play films. He's even more surprised to find out that Spike enjoyed watching Bride of Chucky just last week. Tom doesn't need to ask if he was alone because he assumes that Spike is always alone unless an unfortunate client is trapped in the dungeon. Spike says he doesn't tolerate any interruptions when he's watching his movies and stories. Tom thinks Spike sounds like a grumpy 85-year-old. Spike says he doesn't want any grandchildren running around the dungeon because he's irritated by anyone under the age of 25. Tom compares him to W.C. Fields. Spike understands that he was not a big fan of the kids, either. Tom has heard the same thing, although he wishes there was some documentation of it in everything he ever said. Spike is not interested in cleaning up after kids make a mess.

Tom wants to find a new angle to explore, and Spike jumps right into the Presidential election. He says that he doesn't want John McCain or the man-hating Feminazi Hillary Clinton to win in November. Tom requests one sliver of proof to back up this accusation. Spike says that Hillary wanted to castrate her husband, and Tom agrees that she was completely out of line for being mad at him after he committed adultery with an intern. Spike claims that Hillary also blames all men for the ills of the world. Tom has no idea where Spike is getting this information. I think it may be Scooch's new 2008 Primo Presidential Pamphlet, currently available at Bryce's lean-to and Das Sieben Und Der Elf and now expanded to four full sheafs of notebook paper with cover art by Charles Burns. Spike says he got it directly from Hillary in her campaign speeches. Tom would love to see the world through Spike's eyes a la Being John Malkovich. Spike wasn't a fan of the film because none of the characters got their throats slit or run over by a demonic doll driving a Tonka truck. Tom GOMPs the hatemonger. He thinks Spike's assertion is absurd because it's unlikely the media would let Hillary slide if she was on the record declaring her hatred for men. He calls Spike a grade-A sicko for his outrageous spin-doctoring.

- Joel from Chicago, a new fan currently stampeding through the archives, says he had a weird reason for rooting for Kansas in last night's NCAA Championship game against Memphis. He remembered that Rock, Rot & Rule author Ronald Thomas Clontle hails from Lawrence, KS (the bulk of the tome's "research" was conducted at the Java The Hut coffeehouse), and he assumed the notorious sports gambler had a lot of money riding on it. Joel lives a mile northwest of Wrigley Field, but he's a White Sox fan. He's really a Detroit Tigers fan, having arrived from Michigan about eight years ago. His dad still lives there, so he calls him to talk about the hometown sports scene. Tom sings a bit of Terry Cashman's seminal 1981 PBS single "Talkin' Baseball" (b/w cover of Crass's "Berkertex Bride")

- Jake in Hoboken calls to alert Tom to the city's plans to throw a rope ladder into the Hate Pit for the 2008 Hoboken Art and Music Festival. He reveals that Mickey Dolenz is the headliner. Tom is not surprised. Jake was somewhat surprised because the festival has booked solid acts like the New York Dolls, I-ron's Reggae Challenge, and Patti Smith in previous years. He was disappointed that they scraped the bottom of the barrel this go-round.

Tom thinks someone needs to investigate the financial books because it appears that Hoboken is on the verge of bankruptcy. He imagines that the bookcooker is getting nervous because people will finally realize what is going on when they see Dolenz doing James Cagney impressions on stage. Tom suspects that Dolenz agreed to play the festival in exchange for two Benny Tudino's pizzas and car service transportation. Jake points out that the upcoming Big Dippah reunion show at Maxwell's will balance things out. The bottom line: Tom doesn't want the Circus Boy's Weird-O-Wood prevert filth anywhere near the 07030.

- Charlie from Dublin, Ireland, brings news of another New Jersey triumph. He reports that Dominican-born author Junot Díaz just won the Pulitzer Prize for his novel, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Diaz immigrated to Parlin, N.J., in 1974 and graduated from Cedar Ridge High School in Old Bridge in 1987. Mike has not read any of his writings. Tom is pleased to add literary giants to the expanding list of New Jersey champions, joining the football Giants, Leotardo squishers, American gangster wranglers, and monster repellers.

- While Tom had a fun time with Spike this past weekend at the Jay-Zzzzzz/Seance wedding, the previous weekend was marred by a far less enjoyable trip to the NY Metro Beatles Fest at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel & Exhibition Center. Tom isn't sure where to begin this sordid tale, so he warms up by singing an alternate version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":

It was 41 years ago today

Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play

Now there's fans for all the wrong reasons

Creepin' everybody out

Recontextualizing things to pretend they are the way they weren't

To fit their own limited worldview

After this musical prelude, Tom decides to begin at the beginning. He pulled into the parking garage for the Friday session and scoped out the complex for the right hotel. He was certain he was looking at the wrong building because it appeared to be hosting the To Catch A Predator convention, the latest project from the irascible Paul Higgins of Conventions, Inc. Tom saw preverty guys pouring out of the doors as though there was a police raid and expected to see Chris Hanson chasing them into the parking lot. He then noticed that these predators were wearing Sgt. Pepper's t-shirts. This was it. While some might think that Tom should have known better, he explains that he had one important mission: bootlegs.

He paid his $35 admission fee, got fitted for a wristband that was less desirable than a weird rash, and headed right for the action. Tom then made a stunning discovery -- there was not one bootleg for sale in the so-called "Marketplace" section of the festival. If he wanted to get Dogmo a Yellow Submarine t-shirt, he could have done that. He also had the opportunity to drop $1,450 for a ripped ticket stub (THE B) from a gig in Ohio. Tom doesn't want to stare at a piece of paper indicating that someone else saw The Beatles perform live. He wanted some bootlegs. Tom saw plenty of instructional videos on how to play the band's catalog, and even some satin Sgt. Pepper's suits. Tom believes that anyone wearing these outfits should be stuffed into the back of a squad car on general principle to sort out the particulars of their criminal record back at the station. Mike the Associate Producer is curious about the price tag for this ensemble, and Tom fears that he may be in the market for one. He tells Mike that if he shows up next week tooting a clarinet while wearing Paul McCartneys threads and Sharpie 'stache, he will toss him off the roof of WFMU. Tom is amazed that the band managed to come up with four different mustache styles that were all equally stupid-looking, ranging from Paul's marker flick to John's weird handlebar.

Tom breaks down the setup of the main room: memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, Butch Patrick, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table. Tom got mad after seeing the adult Eddie Munster. He has no idea how Patrick is connected to The Beatles other than The Munsters airing in the same decade as the band's peak years. Tom doesn't think this is enough of an overlap to warrant Patrick packing up his Eddie dolls and landing on the bill. He did not get his autograph. Tom overheard someone ask Patrick a lame question about whether Grandpa Al Lewis was always a nice man. (He was.) Tom suddenly felt sorry for Butch Patrick, who was taking up good bootlegging real estate by idly tapping his fingers on the table.

He then spotted Sid Bernstein, the legendary promoter who brought The Beatles to America, looking inflated enough to be the Kid from Brooklyn's grandfather. Tom put the over/under for Bernstein's chair surviving the weekend intact at early Saturday afternoon. He came in towards the end of a Beatles fan delivering a monologue to Bernstein, who instructed him to purchase his book to find the answers to his questions. Tom is understandably annoyed that Bernstein is a published author. The bootlegs remained elusive. The rest of the guests were a regular "Who's That?!" of Beatles-related luminaries:

1. Pattie Boyd, famous for driving George Harrison into a spiral of depression for three years. Pattie: 1. Tom: 0.

2. Ex-Wings members Denny Seiwell and Laurence Juber (Tom did enjoy their presence amidst the riff-raff)

3. Mark Hudson from the Hudson Brothers

4. Nancy Lee Andrews, Ringo's girlfriend and fiancee in the mid- to late-1970s. NLA: 1. Tom: 0.

5. A woman walking around in a Bon Jovi jacket saying "Oh, s hit!" at the sight of someone named Steve.

(Tom missed the stars of Across the Universe, who were only at the Saturday session)

Tom regained his focus and started asking around for the good stuff. Someone explained that the bootlegs cannot be found on the main convention floor. The discs are kept in an undisclosed hotel room. If you find out the room number, you can meet with the dealer. (O.J. Simpson was not in attendance.) Tom wandered into the ballroom for the subpar lookalike contest, which included a 14-year-old Lennon costumed with just a t-shirt (Tom gives the wiseguy some credit for his minimalist approach) and a guy who looked like Richard Karn from Home Improvement with a Sgt. Pepper's mustache. Tom also heard some of the set from Liverpool, a Beatles tribute band featuring former Styxman Glenn Burtnik. He then found himself in the middle of the singalong jam session in the lobby as he tried to score. Tom had become the dirtbag. He says he never felt sleazier in his entire life, and he even put Jillian Barberie through the nightmare of asking for bootlegs. She found out that the Chicago Beatles Fest got raided, and the connect did not come to the NY Metro Fest because he feared John Q. Law.

Tom left the Crowne Plaza completely defeated and empty-handed. He just wanted some official bootlegs -- compressed.mp3s will not cut it -- for a project he's working on. Tom thinks he's earned the right to own these collectibles since he's paid the band up and down throughout his life, including purchasing three copies of Harrison's much-maligned 1982 album, Gone Troppo. Tom hoped to at least grab a Beatles book that caught his eye as a consolation prize, but the "Marketplace" closed an hour early. A fitting conclusion to a demoralizing festival that haunted Tom all night. He suffered a full-on nightmare, and he still couldn't shake it off on Saturday morning. It got to him. He was denied. He wasn't going to give up yet.

Tom looked in the mirror and decided to go to the Englishtown Flea Market. He hadn't been since he was a little boy, and it was bad news -- a barren, post-apocalyptic shopping mall that looked like a combat zone out of The Road Warrior. The first pieces of merchandise he saw were far from Beatles boots: weird bags of cookies scattered on the ground and scary jewelry. Tom was greeted by the sight of a woman yelling into the men's room to get a customer to pick up his bag of dinner rolls. He is pretty sure he saw a guy with two heads, the result of the nuclear testing that occurs on the grounds. Tom was mildly intrigued by a table with two music DVDs -- live concerts from Peter Gabriel and jazz pianist Marian McPartland -- and one copy of the Andy Samberg comedy, Hot Rod. No bootlegs. The rest of the vendor's selections were films of the pornographic varietay. Tom thinks he should just stick to porn since it's already 99.8% of his inventory. After seeing a weirdo selling pewter animals Tom knew that made a deal with the devil to go to this flea market. He didn't leave with any bootlegs, but he thinks he left part of his soul on the sunglasses table or with the car radios. Tom asks listeners to buy back the shreds of his dignity and send them back to him.

As we all know, Tom's a fighter, and he still wouldn't give up hope. Next stop: Route 18. Tom arrived at 4:07 p.m. and completed his search by 4:13 p.m. In those six minutes he found no bootlegs, but he did see the following items:

• Paintball equipment
• Slot machines ("I hit the jackpot! Oh, wait, I own this.")
• Knives
• More pewter animals
• Karate gear
• More porn
• Worst-looking food on Earth
• Lots of stuff celebrating the violence in Asian culture

Tom got choked up passing an animal shelter, and he put a little money in the cup. He then realized that he was getting misty because people were applying shellac to paintings four feet from the dogs and cats. Toxic chemicals: yes. Bootlegs: no. Tom reminisces about his youth when the bootlegs flowed like water. You threw a rock, and you hit one. He doesn't understand what has happened to this country.

- A caller is still talking to call screener Roddy about the sweet "WRS" when Tom puts him on the air. He can't believe that Tom hosts a radio show, but doesn't know what that is. The caller says it's a jam on Road Trips, Volume 1, Number 2 from October 1977. Tom is not familiar with this release. The caller explains that "WRS" stands for "Weather Report Suet." Tom asks him to spell the third word of the title. The caller retrieves the CD packaging and says it's s-u-i-t-e. Tom informs him that the correct pronunciation of that word is "sweet." The caller is not convinced and wants Troy to weigh in. Mike agrees with Tom. The caller says the word that sounds like "sweet" is spelled s-w-e-a-t. Regardless of the grammatical confusion, the caller doesn't think Tom can deny that "WRS" jams. He says Tom is still a Grateful Dummy. Tom accepts his lack of knowledge of the band's catalog and correctly identifies the caller as Bryce.

Speaking of The Boys, Bryce asks Tom if he ordered Winterland 1973: The Complete Recordings. He touts the set as "nine discs of sheer ecstasy," but Tom is not interested in that much Dead content. Bryce doesn't have the scratch for it right now, but he plans to secure a copy via a "four-finger discount." Tom inquires about the missing digit. Bryce says he would use all five fingers in the heist if he hadn't had an unfortunate meeting with Officer Harrups's dog, Lawrence, at the CD Submarine. Tom recalls seeing the large dog in the back of the squad car. Bryce says he was trying to liberate another Dead box set from the store because it looked so sad sitting on the shelf. Tom doesn't think its emotional disposition justifies stealing it. Bryce says he was convinced that it wanted to be in his CD player. Tom thinks Bryce is projecting his own desires onto the box set. Bryce asks Tom if he ever had a CD call out to him and does an impression of a lonely disc pleading with Tom to pick it up. Tom says he has not experienced this kind of interaction at a record store. Bryce says that in Tom's case it would probably be a KC and his Sunshine Band release. He finds this quite amusing. Tom admits that Bryce got him on that one. Bryce wants him to say it again, but Tom was just being sarcastic. Lawrence didn't sanction Bryce's rescue mission and tore his index finger off as he tried to leave the store.

Bryce isn't doing very well, but he couldn't visit the doctor because he's wanted by the authorities for an incident that occurred when the Olympic Torch made its way through Newbridge. Bryce asks Tom if he saw him on the news the other night. Tom heard the relay was coming through town, but he missed the segment. Bryce says that he got very excited when former heavyweight champion Ken Norton was getting ready to hand it off to Mickey Thomas. Bryce is alarmed that Tom plays rock music on the radio, but Thomas doesn't ring an instant bell for him. Tom thinks he's from Jefferson Starship. Bryce's says "duh" and adds "San Frandummy" to Tom's growing list of dummy types. He was so inspired that he knocked the Olympic Torch out of Norton's hand, replacing it with his own torch, Bruce. He then torched Bruce up. Bryce says his flame wasn't as big as the official torch, but it had a bigger impact on his brain because it's a bong named after Bruce Jenner, the winner of the decathlon at the 1976 Olympics. When Bryce was a kid, he would smoke a doob every time Jenner won an event in his quest for gold. His dad was so into the Olympics that summer that he made everyone bong out when Bruce won.

Bryce's lean-to begins to suffer from negative phone properties, and Tom thinks it's the result of bad karma from attempting to steal CDs. Bryce asks Tom if he saw Shine A Light, Martin Scorsese's new The Rolling Stones documentary. Tom hasn't seen it yet. Bryce enjoyed it and disputes the consensus that the guys look extremely old. He thinks people should consider what they're own grandfathers would look like if they were still playing a guitar now. Tom gives the band credit for still bringing it, but he doesn't think you can deny that they look old. Bryce admits that they do look old. He also thinks Tom looks old as he watches him cook spaghetti through the window. Tom says it's not him because he's on the radio right now. Bryce is looking at a man with white hair and a receding hairline. Tom says he does not fit that description. Bryce says the man is now pointing a gun at him, and he yells "Oh my God!" and "No!" before hanging up. Tom hopes that no shots were fired.

At this point in the programe Tom usually puts a topic on the table, and tonight is no exception. He provides two options:

1. If you owned a transport bean and could bean anyone to the opposite side of the galaxy, who would it be?
2. You are the owner of Willy Wonka's factory with all of its dangers. Who would you trap in which danger and why?

These are not the real topics. The real topic is Losing Your Cool. Tom came very close to losing his cool at the Beatles Fest, but he managed to hold it together. I think it's safe to say that the Crowne Plaza is lucky it was not converted into a car wash. Tom thinks that his audience generally operates within the confines of the accepted standards of a civil society, but he knows everybody loses it from time to time. He wants to hear the details of these lapses.

- The art-tist known as Scott T loses his cool when Customer Service Representatives put him on hold for 20 minutes, ask him to repeat his information, and then fail to help him. He says he has yelled at them, but it does not help the situation. Tom recommends that Scott conduct himself like gentlemen in these frustrating situations because the CSR has all the power. They are one click away from booting you to the back of the line or messing with your account. Scott says he tries to remind himself that these poor slobs don't dictate corporate policy. While they are often jerks on the phone, Scott realizes that he can't fire back because they've got him by the ... hamstrings.

- Art calls from inside Tom's head, which is currently located in Astoria, Queens. Tom thinks he may be talking to Joe Frank (Art has done some fill-ins for him) and performs some music loops under the beginning of Art's story to add to the dramatic atmosphere. Art says he was doing a long-distance thing with a woman, and they met up in Las Vegas, where she was attending a business conference. After dropping her off, an F-250 truck pulled in front of him and blocked both exit lanes in the parking lot. He began fuming with his New York State of Mind, wondering why the guy couldn't just pull over a little to allow him to scoot by in his compact rental car. Art says he honked the horn and looked at the guy, who had a woman in his passenger seat. He thought the guy got the message because he pulled up a bit. However, he came to an abrupt stop, and as Art drove around him, the truck's passenger door swung open and dinked his front-left quarter panel. Art pulled up 150 feet away to inspect the damage and saw the woman emerge from the vehicle in a frightened state. He began crazily flailing his arms in the truck's direction, and the driver kept asking him why he was looking back at him. Art says his brain was about to explode as he sped down the strip.

He decided that he would return to his hotel to calm down (cold beer?) and then find these people so he could apologize for his outburst. Art later spotted the truck in the parking lot and went inside to the room hosting Ken Rogers's "Incorporating Your Personal Values Into Making a Million in No-Money-Down Real Estate" seminar. He saw the saw the truck driver, his wife, and their newborn. Art now realized that he was a massive jerk. He came clean about the incident and attributed his behavior to having a bad day. The guy swallowed his pride and accepted the apology. Rogers praised Art's mea culpa and gave him some promotional materials for Erik Estrada's swamplands as a reward for doing the right thing. Art assures Tom that he's not really a jerk, and Tom think he sounds like a Good Guy.

- Sean from Minneapolis says he may have some Beatles bootlegs for sale. Tom suspects he's being set up as part of a sting operation and GOMPs Sean for being a cop.

- Julie from Cincinnati says she only lost her cool one time. A few years ago she dropped out of grad school because she was failing and got her first job. Her husband, Richard, was also attending school and earning about $1,000/month. He deposited his paycheque into Julie's separate account via the ATM machine. The bank claimed they never got the deposit, which led to various bounced check and late fee charges. They initially blamed Julie for failing to actually make the deposit, but they eventually found it and apologized. Julie got so mad that she kicked the door at the bank. The bank explained that The Proud Patriot Act prohibits someone from depositing a check into an account that doesn't have their name on it.

Tom assumed that justice prevailed, but Julie says she was never reimbursed for the fees, which ate up her first paycheque at her new job. Julie says that she is the type of person who should lose their call all the time, but the bank debacle was her only incident. Tom reminds her about the time she called the show and cursed like a trucker. Julie doesn't think cursing counts as anything, but Tom disagrees. However, he wants to keep moving onward and upward. Julie signs off by saying "thank you so much" in a deep voice that scares Tom. He thinks that Julie and Spike should battle it out to see who is the king or queen of that particular turf.

- Laurie from Miami and Tom have an old-timey exchange that prompts Tom to ask her who would win a fight between Abbott & Costello and Laurel & Hardy. Laurie picks L&H because they have more total body mass. In terms of their comedic stylings, Tom thinks it's a four-way tie for last. Laurie points out that the duos worked during the vadaville era, which Tom renames "the unfunny era." He wants to know when we can finally get rid of those movies. Laurie says Doddy is a fan of old movies like the Busby Berkeley musicals. His enthusiasm for these works have Laurie wondering if her Doddy is actually a gay man. Tom suggests that he simply appreciates pageantry. Laurie says that he avoids most contemporary films because they are too violent, preferring the 1940s comedies starring Danny Kaye and Virginia Mayo. She plans to get him some Preston Sturges DVDs for Doddy's Day in an attempt to upgrade his movie tastes. Tom recommends just buying some original prints so he can watch them on the big screen in his home theater. Laurie says that he does not have a theater in his home.

Laurie went to the dry cleaners a couple of months ago and encountered a bunch of yay-hoo employees engaged in a discussion about Borat Oblama. One smart guy started the conversation by wondering how we could possibly have a President with that name. Laurie planned to ignore it, get her clothes, and leave, but then they started talking about how he must be a Muslim because there is so much information about it on the Internet. Tom hopes that someone will be able to find out more about his religious background, which currently remains shrouded in mystery. Laurie lost her cool and forgot to get her dry cleaning. Tom doesn't understand why people can't manage to bite their tongues at a place of business until the customers have left. Laurie returned to pick up her skirt, but they did not have it. She lost her cool again and demanded a refund. They offered her a laughable $50, which only covered about half of the value. Laurie is convinced that they intentionally lost it, damaged it, threw it out, or stole it. Tom recalls the episode of Curb that involved dry cleaning shenanigans. He doesn't like how late-period Curb just makes things up compared to the gritty realism of the early seasons.

- [Renée in Sydney, Australia TK]

- [Nate from St. Paul TK]

- [Blake in New Brunswick (from Chicago) TK]

- [Charlie in Austin TK]

- [Abraham in Boston TK]

- [Martin in Edison TK]

- [Frank in Weehawken TK]

- [Blake returns -- he likes the spinach pie at Evelyn's!]

- [Sarah from New Orleans/My Dinner with Mark Ibold TK]

- [Tim from Seoul, South Korea TK]

- [Josh from Austin TK]

- [Joe from Seattle]

- [Frank from Weehawken (again) TK]

- [Officer Tom TK]

- A caller asks Tom how's it going and stuff. He thought the topic might be The Beatles because he didn't really like listen to the show in the last hour or so. Tom says the official topic is Losing Your Cool. The caller doesn't think he's ever really done that, but then he remembers helping his dad with a woodworking thing. His dad gave him the hammer and stuff to show him how to put the nail in and stuff, and he hit his thumb and stuff. The caller said something in response to the pain that he probably can't say it on the radio and stuff. Tom prefers that he keeps it to himself. The caller says he said like "damn" and stuff. Tom says that word is fine for broadcast, but he doesn't want the caller to go beyond that.

The caller requests the stupid "Symphony No. 5 in C-Sharp Minor" by Mahler and stuff. At this point Tom thinks he recognizes the caller, but he doubts that Tom remembers him. It's Pudge Palfner. Tom thought it was him at first, but then he wasn't sure. Pudge reminds Tom that he hasn't called in a while because he was shot in the leg by an errant Officer Harrups musket blast (he was aiming for Rutager) at last year's drug-crazed Newbridge Colonial Days street festival. Bryce attempted to assist him, but he became infuriated by Pudge's inability to assess his condition. Tom missed the festivities due to his tummy ache, but he does recall hearing that Pudge got wounded. For a long time Pudge wasn't sure if he was okay and stuff, but now he thinks he's fine and stuff.

Pudge asks Tom if he can cart up the Mahler piece. Tom's not sure if he has enough time to play an entire symphony, but Pudge says he kinda needs to hear it for this thing he's doing. He thinks it's stupid and tries to hang up, but Tom wants to hear more about it. Pudge says he's writing an article on Gustav Mahler, the Austrian composer and junk, for a dumb magazine called Classical Music. Tom points out that it's a pretty renowned publication. Pudge insists that it's stupid, although he does say it's the premier magazine for classical music and junk. Pudge tries to flee the conversation again, but Tom thinks his writing gig is fantastic. Pudge explains that the article is due tomorrow, and his copy of No. 5 has like a big skip on it and stuff. He needs to hear a clean version because he can't remember if the second movement is where Mahler throws in that leading note fakeout and stuff. Tom says he will look for it, but he wouldn't count on the WFMU library having it. Pudge assumes Tom knows about the stupid leading note, but he's not familiar with the concept. Pudge explains that it's like the seventh note of the scale, and after that note happens there's like this big desire to resolve to the tonic, which is the first tone of the scale. Pudge apologizes for its stupidity, but Tom doesn't mind. He says this is not his area of expertise, so he will take Pudge's word for it.

Pudge thinks Maher's an interesting guy, but he's also kinda dumb. Tom wants hear more about him. Pudge says his symphonies and stuff are kinda like divided into three or more groupings, although there are differing opinions on the boundaries between these groupings. For example, people kinda refer to his first four symphonies as the Wunderhorn song cycle and stuff because of their reliance on themes derived from Mahler's readings of the Des Knaben Wunderhorn, a collection of German folk poems. Pudge apologizes again for saying stupid things, but Tom thinks it's interesting. Pudge notes that Mahler's 5th and 7th symphonies are kinda like mature and stuff in the way he interleaves tragic and optimistic elements and stuff. He says that Mahler didn't even want to call his stuff symphonies stuff because he was superstitious -- Ludwig van Beethoven and Franz Schubert died after their 9th symphonies and stuff. Mahler didn't want to die and stuff. Pudge thinks it's all stupid, but he does have fun writing about it.

The editor of Classical Musical told Pudge that he's actually written some of the best ones of all-time. Tom assumes he was referring to articles in the magazine, but the editor was talking about Pudge's own symphonies and stuff. Pudge thinks it's stupid and wants to hang up again. Tom is amazed that he's also a composer. Pudge thinks his work is stupid, but the Newbridge Philharmonic will perform one of his symphonies in July and stuff. Tom is very impressed that an 18-year-old has achieved this much in the classical musical field. Pudge just think it's kinda like stupid stuff he does and stuff, but Tom thinks he should be very proud of his accomplishments.

Pudge says he is sorta proud of another stupid thing he's doing. He's going to throw his hat into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial race and stuff. Pudge thinks it's a stupid idea, but Tom disagrees. He does wonder how an 18-year-old is allowed to run for mayor. Pudge says that Newbridge is one of the only places where there is no age requirement to hold political office. He thinks a baby could run as long as its mom or dad allowed it and stuff. Pudge did get his 37 signatures, and he wonders if Tom got any. Tom tells him that he's not going to run because he's not interested in serving as an elected official. Pudge thinks his candidacy is stupid, and he doubts he will win. He tries to end the call, but Tom wants to learn more about what inspired him to run for mayor.

Pudge has some difficulity giving specifics about his platform, but he does think there is maybe some stuff he could to improve things for Newbridge. For example, there are a lot of gas-powered parking meters in the center of town that cost residents $3/hour. Officer Harrups and his goons are always prowling the streets handing out tickets and beating people who have not paid. Pudge points out that nobody wants to go shopping there because they are afraid of getting ticketed or beaten with batons and junk. He found out that the city lost like $14,000 from the parking meters last year due to maintenance costs and legal fees spent defending Harrups and his goons from lawsuits stemming from their frequent beatdowns. Pudge says his stupid idea is to do away with the parking meters and stuff and give the money saved on maintenance and court costs to local businesses to revitalize the downtown area and pump money into the local economy. Pudge wants to hang up because it's stupid, but Tom likes it and stuff. He thinks free parking is a great idea, and he recommends that Pudge do some research into other towns that tried a similar initiative. Pudge says he kinda instituted the same thing in East Newbridge and West Oldbrige a couple of years ago while serving on some kind of zoning board committee/think tank. They came up with dumb ideas that worked for those towns and stuff. Tom thinks it's pretty impressive.

Pudge recalls the horrific incident where kids got trapped in the Newbridge sinkhole for a week before being rescued at the nick of time. They were starving and emerged looking very skinny. Pudge thinks it's kinda like that dumb movie The Ruins. He thought Scott Smith's novel was fun when he tore through it in 20 minutes. Pudge says that Bishop Fontana's plans for a "Bless the Sinkhole" campaign fell through because The Pope will not visit Newbridge during his trip to New York next week. It is unclear whether Fontana's special charity anthem, "This Sinking Feeling Has Got To End," that he co-wrote with The Hold Steady's Craig Finn will still be released. Pudge says Fontana's sinkhole efforts were further compromised after he was caught using an "apparatus," which is even weirder than the device favored by Judge Montgomery Davies. Tom was not aware of Fontana's activities. Pudge says that the "apparatus" is constructed from 13 lbs. of burlap, 100 lbs. of aluminum siding, and 7 gallons of canola oil. And there's also a plunger. Pudge acknowledges that it's kinda gross and stuff, but he still offers to send Tom a .jpg. Tom respectfully declines the photographic evidence. Pudge does not support Marky Ramone's plan to turn the sinkhole into an amusement park with a rolleycoaster. Tom informs him that Ramone is also running for mayor, and Pudge contemplates dropping out of the race because Marky is smarter than him. Tom laughs at this notion, indicating that Pudge should not bee overly concerned about Mr. Ramone political acumen.

Pudge also heard that Poison drummer Rikki Rockett, who was arrested last month on a rape charge in Mississippi, is going to open an amusement park in the sinkhole area. Pudge informs Tom that his real name, Richard L. Rockett, appeared on the court documents. Tom is surprised to find out that any part of his stage name is authentic. Pudge thinks the sinkhole should be filled in with something sturdier than the usual colored balls, like cement, and then paved over. Since Newbridge is located between Westbridge and New Southeastbridge on Route 732, the increased traffic would make it a prime spot for a new retail center. Pudge thinks it's stupid and wants to hang up. Tom thinks it makes a lot of sense, especially compared to the other candidate's intentions to turn the sinkhole into an attraction. Pudge thinks they are probably right and wants to hang up again. Tom says he would vote for Pudge in a heartbeat. Pudge says he will officially announce his candidacy maybe on Friday and stuff in his house, and his mom will make some pancakes for the event. Tom says it sounds like some kind of Pancake Announcement. Pudge thinks that's a cool name and writes it down so he can make some posters. Tom thinks he's off to a pretty impressive start. Pudge says thanks and junk.

Pudge offers Tom a job as his campaign manager, but Tom prefers not to work for any of the candidates. Pudge tries to think of what he would do as his first act in office, and he comes up with putting Tom to death. Tom thought he was safe from the usual violent threats, but Pudge denounces him for being kinda like a jerk and stuff because he doesn't like having community spirit and junk. Tom thinks he has a lot of it. Pudge wants Tom to ask call screener Brian about that. He says that if he were Tom he'd maybe hope that he didn't like get elected and stuff. Pudge wants Tom to state why this would not be good for him. Tom declines. Pudge says it's because he'd probably murder him and stuff. He recommends that Tom get ready and stuff if he gets elected and junk because he probably won't be alive and stuff. Pudge asks Tom if he wants to help him put up some posters. Tom asks him if it will affect his decision to kill him. Pudge says no and stuff and beats Tom to the hang-up.

- [Stephen from Boston TK]

- [Mike in Manhattan TK]

- [Ross in Detroit TK]

- [Fred from Hoboken TK]

- [Ross TK]

- [Tim from Stroudsburg TK]

- [Earl, Ross's lawyer, TK]

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Andy from Knoxville and Julie Klausner premiere their new "Theater Talk" segment, a live in-studio performance of "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!" from Barry Dworkin's new Beatles tribute band called Four Dumb Mustaches, and Mike shows up looking like this.

Take us out, Marian:

Eh. That was kind of low-energy. Let's try this instead:

Posted by Omar at 9:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Let's get this over with." -- Tom, deciding to get the party started after a 47-minute opening music set

"Oh, good. Drinking and radio don't mix." -- Julie, approving of Tom's sobriety

"I made fun of Mark & Mindy? You didn't like that? You didn't find my Mark & Mindy joke funny?" -- Tom, inquiring about Jerry from Boulder's rejection of his ribbing

"You don't sleep. You don't sleep! Stay haunted! You stay haunted by it! You don't think I'm haunted? I got the weight of the world on my shoulders!" -- Tom, unleashing a directive for a littlehearted boy

"The grandmother was irascible." -- Sleepy Jeff on Mindy's guff-averse music store boss

"I do, yeah, and then I'm fit as a fiddle for the rest of the day." -- Sleepy Jeff, touting the benefits of his 22.5 hours of shut-eye

"Oh my God, that's sick." -- Sleepy Jeff, appalled by Tom's meager 6 hours/night

"A guy can talk on the phone and drive at the same time -- I've got two knees." -- Sleepy Jeff, assuring Tom that he is still driving the bus

"They had that, yes, but they also did something in that that resulted in me." -- Jeep Cherokee Wilson, noting his parents unnatural "bangathon" in his namesake vehicle

"He looks so normal that he doesn't look human. That's how I picture Roger looking." -- J.C. Wilson, comparing Mike's appearance to the crime sketch of hijacker D.B. Cooper

"I mean, the things you could see." -- J.C. Wilson, pointing out a self-inflammatory advantage of being 3' 1''

"He ain't in the pros no more? What he gonna do now?" -- J.C. Wilson, pondering the future of the cocaine-addled slugger Barry Barnes

"What about the one that said you were gonna die during your show?" -- J.C. Wilson, asking Tom about the veracity of the vision of his death-by-harpooning

"Think about it. That's my art! Think about it. That's my installation." -- Tom, urging Erika from Baltimore to look deeper into his imminent death from side-splitting pain

"It's not the topic! You guys can't make up topics! Put 'em forth. 'Yeah, I heard the topic.' That's not the topic. You go call Herbie's house if you wanna to talk about first-world problems. That's not the topic. How dare you. Herbie. Guy's name's Herbie." -- Tom, fed up with a Philadelphia duo's attempts to run the show

"Wait'll you hear that one, Mike. 10:44, you're in for a big laugh. Brace yourself. Just get ready. You're probably still hearing when Jeep called right now, but some good stuff on the way." -- Tom, giving advance notice of some Tommert-based amusements

"You got James'd! YOU GOT JAMES'D! I JAMES'D JAMES! HOW'DYA LIKE THEM APPLES?! Actually, apples are not my favorite fruit, BUT NOW THEY ARE! YOU GOT JAMES'D, JAMES! YOU GOT JAMES'D!" -- Tom, turning the tables on the toupee-wearing troublemaker

"How could you pass on that combo: Schwimmer! Michael Ian Black!" -- Tom, questioning Paul from Staten Island's reluctance to pay to see Run, Fat Boy, Run at Hylan Boulevard's luxurious moviehouse

"Remember, Tom. Remember, Tom. Remember. Sunrise doesn't last all morning, Tom. Sunrise doesn't last all morning. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember that. All thing must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember. All things must pass. Remember, Tom. All things must pass. Remember. Remember ..." -- Tom, blowing the clouds away

[TBSOWFMU - 4/1/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Stevie Blue & Martina McBride - "I Left My Chocolate-Covered Heart in the Foothills of Los Altos"

( Click here to visit KFJC)

Psychedelic Horse s hit - "Rather Dull"

( Click here to buy Magic Flowers Droned)

Didjits - "Headless" (Dickies cover)

( Click here to buy the F the Pigs 7")

The Black and Whites - "Carlsbad"

( Click here to buy The Black and Whites)

Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds - "Bucket O' Trouble"

( Click here to buy Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds)

The Individuals - "Dancing With My Eighty Wives"

( Click here to pre-order the Fields / Aqua Marine reissue)

Dumptruck - "Wire" (dedicated to the departed The Wire section of the FOT Board)

( Click here to buy For The Country)

The Raymond Brake - "Philistine"

( Click here to buy Piles of Dirty Winters)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Tom's stuck inside the submarine sans IM, and he's ready to do some scat singing. Mike is listening to the broadcast on a 45-minute delay, but he's still screening like a madmin. Technical issues galore! 15 minutes of Oneida pulsations! Sir Paul and George! Hey! Ho! Let's a recap.

- Julie from Cincinnati thinks Tom sounds kinda drunk, but The Kid has not been drinking. She's glad he abstained because she's living proof that alcohol and radio can be a toxic combination. Julie says she recently turned over a new leaf: no more overdrinking on Tuesday evenings. She will now limit herself to moderate consumption. Tom thinks this is a fair enough plan of action.

Julie wonders if Tom's extended music set was part of an April Fool's Day joke. Tom says he was simply expressing his love of music. Julie loves it, too, and she bonds with Tom over their Madonna fandom. They reveal their favorite Madonna song at the count of 3 and both pick "Lucky Star." Julie thinks it may have been downhill from there. Tom starts another countdown for their second favorite, and they sync up again with "Borderline." Julie wonders if there will be a topic tonight and asks for permission to call back if she's still awake. Tom usually restricts Julie to one call per show, but he gives her the eternal greenlight for tonight's program. Julie now likes Tom better than Mike the Associate Producer, although she can't deny that he's a very likable Good Guy. Julie says she will either go to bed in 20 minutes or call back 20 times. Tom explains that he awarded the reprieve because it's a fun night and Julie sounds weirdly sober.

- Laurie from Miami calls from the trenches of mockingbird mating season. She reports that the males start serenading the ladies around midnight by mimicking car alarms, cell phones, and car-door beeps like the guy from the cop movie. I was pretty sure Laurie was referring to Jason Patric in Narc, but it was actually Michael Winslow from the Police Academy series. While the wooing sounds can be pretty, Laurie says they begin to lose their appeal when they last until 2:40 a.m. She is reluctant to venture outside to scare him away because she doesn't want to cloaca-block the little fella. Tom thinks the avian slang for thwarting a potential love-making session is sick. He GOMPs Laurie.

This call reminded me of the time I taught a particularly spirited mockingbird (I named him "Beechy") the entire Minor Threat catalog and joined him on kazoo for a pretty solid cover of "Bottled Violence." I sent a recording of the performance to Lyle Preslar and Don Zientara, but those ash oles never responded. I initially felt bad for the bird because his calls went unrequited, but he told me that he was dedicated to the sXe lifestyle. He explained that he just loved music and mating season provided his biggest stage. After some well-received backing chirps on Smart Went Crazy's Now We're Even long-player and a successful show at the Black Cat opening for The Monorchid, I helped him sign a deal with TAG Recordings in early 1996. Beechy was dropped after missing three straight deadlines and defecating on an A&R guy's head during a photoshoot for press kit materials. I found him on Facebook a few months ago and was thrilled to see that he finally earned a law degree from American University last fall!

- Jerry in Boulder calls to discuss something that's been bothering him about his I Love You, But- entry during last week's show. He launched into a whole rigmarole about how former GBV frontman Robert Pollard talks too much on stage, even though a torn calf muscle and chronic tummy aches have kept the Fading Captain out of action for the past three years. Jerry says that Tom broke his little-boy heart by mocking him for keeping his displeasure with Bob's rants inside for so long. Tom caused additional heart breakage (also a side-effect of Kern's retooled Prozorc08®) by following up with a joke about Jerry working a shift at the Mark & Mindy museum. Tom seems surprised that Jerry wasn't amused by his Mark & Mindy quip. Jerry thinks Tom needs to get real if he's going to knock him about the shelf-life of his complaint because Mark & Mindy signed off 25 years ago.

Jerry thought Tom seemed annoyed about his tardy GBV comments. Tom says he was just taken aback by how angry he seemed about the stage banter. Jerry says he was just issuing some constructive criticism so Pollard could improve the live experience for fans. Tom notes that Pollard could address Jerry's concerns if and when he emerges from retirement. Jerry assumed that Pollard still performed live because he released a solo album last year. Tom says he actually released one last week and another one (Don't Speak Ill of Your Volunteer Barging Department ft. Don Thrasher on all instruments) during this call. Jerry says he just wanted to call to get things off his chest about his call last week about getting something off his chest. He hopes that he will now be able to sleep at night. Tom orders him to remain sleepless and haunted because he continues to face the same conditions from having the weight of the world on his shoulders.

- A caller says he likes the way Mark & Mindy depicted the plight of an alien humorously adjusting to human behavior. In an eggshell, he appreciated Mark's ability to integrate himself into a new society in the Boulder suburbs after arriving from Ork. The caller fondly remembers Mark's frequent trips to Mindy's music store, which was run by her father, Fred, and her irascible grandmother, Cora. Tom also observed that Cora did not take much stuff. The caller points out that Mark concluded each episode by contacting his home planet to talk about what he's been learning about Earth. He thought he spoke to a man named Gorlock, but Tom is pretty sure it was Orson. The caller wants Tom to ask call screener Troy to settle the dispute about the identity of Mark's Orkan supervisor. Tom discovers that Mike has left the studio.

Tom hears a weird sound, and the caller says he was dozing off in keeping with his nickname of "Sleepy Jeff." Tom thinks a great time to doze off is while calling a radio show. SJ says he used to doze all the time, even while running the mile in high school track meets. Tom assumes he finished last in the races, and SJ wonders if Tom saw him run. Tom says he just thought it was likely that competitors who stayed awake would eventually pass him. SJ says he used to drive a school bus before he got fired, and Tom guesses that he fell asleep at the wheel. SJ says he actually dozed off while ascending the steps to get into the driver's seat on his first day on the job. He never even got to turn the ignition. SJ says he was able to stay awake for years until he got some free lip balm samples at Das Sieben Und Der Elf, a German-run convenience store that popped up last year in the Newbridge area. SJ tried one tube and then could not stop trying them. The lip balm in question was, of course, Blue, the local downer of choice initially distributed by an Austrian night nurse at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. SJ starts to fade because he just applied some.

Before he falls asleep, SJ throws his bed hat into the ring for ... the ... New ... bridge May you .. be the torial election. Tom thinks this is exciting news. SJ says his platform will focus on helping people improve their sleeping habits. He was inspired by an alarming 60 Minutes lidblower about how kids fail to get a sufficient amount of sleep. SJ believes that we all need at least 18 hours/day, and he exceeds that thanks to Blue. Tom guesses that SJ gets 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 hours before finally hitting it with 22.5. SJ says that his sleep schedule keeps him as fit as a fiddle for the rest of his 90-minute day. He generally fills the time by watching television shows like Tyra Mark & Mindy. SJ believes he just provided the perfect example of a full-circle call. Tom congratulates him on joining the race.

SJ plans to have a really, really, really late-night Pancake Kickoff/Sleep-Off to introduce himself to voters. Tom isn't interested in the event. SJ is disappointed because he hoped that Tom would agree to serve as his campaign spokesperson. He thinks Tom's soothing, sleep-inducing voice would be an asset to his candidacy. SJ says he often listens to Tom's iPod Pod-pod-podpodcast to help him fall asleep. Tom starts yawning as a result of SJ's sleepy talk. SJ thinks this is a positive byproduct of his call because sleep is good for you. Tom says he got 6.5 hours last night, and SJ thinks that is sick. He wants Tom to ask call screener Ben about his sleep tally. Mike says he logged 7 hours, and SJ thinks that is also sick. Tom is becoming increasingly tired, so SJ requests a pick-me-up record to get his blood going again. He thinks The Band's folky travelogue, "The Weight", will do the trick.

Tom is reluctant to spin the tune because The Band are not one of his favorite groups. SJ thinks that regardless of Tom's feelings about The Band's discography, he would have to agree that this particular song is likely to get one's blood pumping. He gives Tom the option of playing "New Kid in Town" by The Eagles. Tom thinks these songs are too low-tempo, but SJ says they seem loud and fast when he listens to them from his bed. He's also willing to accept Diana Ross's theme from Mahogany. Tom says that he's getting more exhausted just thinking about these songs. SJ makes a final attempt to rile Tom with the first part of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes". Tom confirms that this is the section before Townshend and Moon kick things into gear. SJ says he doesn't like the energetic portion of the song.

At this point Tom's yawning is making SJ so tired that he may have to pull over. He's driving a tourist bus on the way back from taking a group of 12- and 13-year-olds to Washington, D.C. to see all the sights. Tom questions his decision to talk on the phone while driving, but SJ thinks it's fine because he can drive the bus with his knees. Tom thinks this is a terrible steering strategy. SJ says he has the phone in his right hand while his left hand dangles his cig out the window. He is only able to keep one eye open due to his exhaustion. Tom thinks it's horribly unsafe, but SJ says it's fun for the kids, who are all asleep because he gave them something: Blue. Tom think it's criminal to provide drugs to young schoolchildren. SJ assures him that the kids are having fun. He disputes the drug charge because Blue is available over the counter ... at one store. Tom says it's still an illegal product, and SJ wants Tom to define "illegal". Tom explains that there are existing laws on the books and these actions defy those laws. SJ does't seem convinced, but he is about to do something that he knows is illegal. He is preparing to pass three slow-moving vehicles on the left, which will force him into oncoming traffic in the opposite lane for a second. Tom doesn't think he can manage this delicate maneuver in a school bus. SJ thinks he can and then screams "Oh my God!" before hanging up.

- Geep from Indianapolis calls to ask Tom some questions about the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008. He says he got his nickname back in high school when his teacher starting calling him by his initials, G.P. It was eventually shortened to Geep. Tom thinks it may be time to let it go. Geep, who is an unfortunate 42, says some family members are still clinging to the abbreviated moniker. Tom decides to refer to him by his given name, Greg, for the remainder of the call. Greg asks Tom if he got the letter from the IRS about the tax rebate checks. He says he might get $600, but he hasn't seen it yet. Tom tells him that he thinks the checks will be sent out in June. Geep was hoping to get the money sooner than that. Tom thinks this is a fascinating discussion. He's glad that Geep turned to him instead of the people who sent him the letter. Tom GOMPs him. Mike will enjoy the swift dismissal in 45 minutes.

- A caller says that Geep stole his thunder because he was going to ask Tom the same question about the rebate notice. Tom doesn't understand why anyone would ask him about that. He didn't get the money, and he doesn't think any other Americans did, either. The caller asks Tom to stop yelling at him. Tom says he's just baffled that two consecutive callers would want to consult him about tax policy. The caller says it's even odder than that because his name is also Jeep. His full birth name is Jeep Cherokee Wilson, and Tom correctly guesses that Jeep's parents owned his namesake. Jeep says they had a "bangathon" in the car, and he was the result of that session. Tom doesn't like that terminology. Jeep says it's usually a natural act, although not necessarily the way his parents did it from what he has heard of the fateful night. Tom asks him to stop. He also doesn't want to talk about the tax refund, but Jeep thinks it's pretty interesting. He asks Tom if he expects to get a check.

Tom interrupts the tax talk to mention that the wife of Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker said in the chat that he played mostly not-great music tonight for the first 45 minutes. Jeep agrees that the stuff Tom plays is terrible. He didn't hear tonight's opening set, but he guesses that Tom played some funny song that he makes fun of even though the person who wrote it didn't intend it to be funny. Jeep thinks that is what Tom usually does. Tom says he never does that. Jeep bets that Tom played something from his beloved Big Dippers. Tom tells him that the band is called Big Dipper. Jeep wants Tom to ask call screener Ted for the correct band name. Tom doesn't understand why people can't get his name right. Jeep says Mike is kind of forgettable. He then tells Rick that he was just kidding and repeats "Mike" 10 times to help it sink in. Tom never thought he was that forgettable because he seems to make a good, lasting impression on everybody he meets.

Jeep imagines that Mike looks like the crime sketch of D.B. Cooper, the aircraft hijacker who jumped from a Boeing 727 flying over the Pacific Northwest on November 24, 1971 and then disappeared. He says that Cooper's face looks so normal that he appears somewhat non-human. Jeep thinks that Roger fits that description. As Tom searches online for D.B. Cooper, Jeep mentions that he was in the news today because some people who were doing the devil's business in Washington state found what may be his tangled parachute within the parameters of the probably jump site. Tom locates Coop picture and agrees that he's pretty average looking -- almost like a robot. Jeep thinks it looks like call screener Todd. Tom says Mike does not look like D.B. Cooper. Jeep insists that he does and puts Mike's height at either 5' 1" or 4' 11'. He believes that he can also guess Tom's height based on his voice, not considering the octave drop from his use of the VoiceMod® DeepTone 500. Tom denies using the device. Jeep asks him not to do that because they are practically friends at this point. He thinks it's time for Tom to come clean because everybody knows it. Jeep is not near a computer, but he bets that if Tom looked at the FOT Chat right now everybody would be chiming in on how he uses a modulator. Tom scans the chat and does not see any such comments. Jeep insists that people are chatting about his artificial voice.

He thinks Tom is probably in the vicinity of 3' 10". Tom tells him that it would be fine if he was that short, but he's not. Jeep isn't so sure that it would be acceptable. He thinks it would depend on how Tom lived his life. Jeep points out that a man of that size would be able to see certain things. Tom doesn't want to explore Jeep's mind any further to get the specifics. Jeep says that Tom could get a job as a security guy at a women's clothing store. Tom senses trouble ahead, but he does want hear where this is going. Jeep thinks his employment advice is pretty self-inflammatory. He explains that "self-inflammatory" is a term that describes something that doesn't require further explanation to understand. Tom thinks the correct term is self-explanatory. Jeep disagrees.

Jeep is excited about the start of a new baseball season. He asks Tom if he heard that Barry Barnes is no longer a member of the San Francisco Giants. Tom says the player in question is Barry Bonds. Jeep clarifies that he is referring to the all-time home run leader. Tom tells him that the slugger's last name is Bonds. Jeep repeats that he don't play for the Giants no more and wants to know what team signed him for the 2008 campaign. Tom doesn't think he's in the pros no more. Jeep wonders what he gonna do now and asks Tom to asses the prospects for Barnes to line up some product endorsements. Tom thinks commercial work will be light at best. Jeep says he asked because Barnes's his reputation may be a little tainted after his cocaine use came to light. Tom informs Jeep that Barnes has never been accused of doing cocaine. Jeep says that he used coke to get big. Tom informs him that Barnes is alleged to have taken steroids to increase his size. Jeep says that he got big from doing cocaine .. and steroids. Tom thinks that sounds like a terrifying combination. Jeep says he would climb the highest tree he could find and do push-ups and pull-ups on one of the branches after he mixed the drugs.

Tom recommends that Jeep avoid the dangerous workout location and stop enhancing his body with chemicals. Jeep says he doesn't do that stuff anymore because it's sick. He has switched to a completely natural supplement called Reggae pills. The pills got their name because they are red, green, and yellow like the Reggae flag. Tom tells Jeep that it's the flag of Jamaica. Jeep says he's referring to the Reggae flag with a lion that was designed by Bob Marley. Tom disagrees about the flag's creator, but he doesn't want to continue the debate. Jeep says that Marley is also responsible for his dreadlocks. He wears them because Marley invented them and he owns the Greatest Hits compilation, Legend. Tom tells Jeep that dreadlocks are a natural follicle occurrence that pre-dates Bob Marley. Jeep expected Tom to cite Adam Duritz from the Crow Counters as the drealock originator. Jeep says he likes Duritz and his music. Tom doesn't like his music at all, and he thought he came off like a sadsack in a recent Rolling Stone article. Jeep likes that magazine, which he shortens to just R Stone. Jeep reminds Tom that Duritz was woohoo with some hott ladies from television, most notably Jennifer Anistone and Karen Cox. Tom says it's Courtney Cox. Jeep calls Tom stupid because he doesn't seem to know anything.

Jeep asks Tom what he did for April Fool's. Tom didn't do anything, and neither did Jeep. Jeep tells Tom to ask Kevin what he did. Mike says he didn't do anything. Jeep wants to get Tom's take on the upcoming Zep tour that will include a show at The Garden. Tom confirms that he's referring to the English band Led Zeppelin. Jeep says some fans of rock music reduce the band's name to Zep. Tom is familiar with the abbreviation, and he wants to know where Jeep heard about the tour itinerary. Jeep said he read about it an hour ago online. He asks Tom what's up with the constant Inquisition-grade questioning. Tom says he heard nothing about it and suspects it's an April Fool's Day joke. Jeep thinks it's true because the band did play a show last December in London with Jason Barnham filling in for his father on drums. Barnham can't do the full tour, so he will be replaced by Victor DeLorenzo. Tom is not familiar with him, but Jeep thinks he knows his work. He gives him a taste by performing the intro to "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes. Tom immediately starts laughing because the notion that the drummer for that band would peform with Led Zeppelin is the dumbest thing he's ever heard. Jeep wants to know who Tom thinks the band should get. Tom suggests someone who doesn't play a snare and bass drum. Jeep says it's actually called a trampoplaphone, which is kind of like a cross between a snare drum and a keg. He can't wait to hear DeLorenzo go wild on "In the Evening" and bang on the keg for 20 minutes during the "Moby Dick" solo.

Tom refuses to believe it, but Jeep thinks it's true because it was published on the Web. Tom tells him not to believe anything he reads today because people are pulling all kinds of pranks. Jeep asks Tom about the validity of the story predicting that he would die during his show. He says he heard about that one in his mind when he saw it plain as day. Tom thinks it's terrible. Jeep thinks Tom is terrible and predicts that he will experience the same clear vision of his own demise. He claims that he attached suction cups to his feet (and hands) and did a Spider-Man crawl up to Tom's fourth-floor window. Tom is unable to spot him. Jeep says he also has a harpoon launcher on his back. Tom finally sees something moving -- it's Jeep's harpoon glistening in the moonlight. Jeep begins screaming, presumably tumbling off the exterior of the Magic Factory. If only he heeded Larry the Perv's advice from last week and stabily put a ladder against the side of the building. Tom asks Mike to go outside and check on Jeep. He refuses. Tom begins experiencing a pain in his side that he fears is the result of another k-stone. He vows to shop for a coffin and follow Jeep off the roof is he's stricken with another round of that. Tom soothes himself with a two-minute whistling interlude. Said Tom, take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine. All Mike needs is a little patience, and he'll eventually hear this.

- Brock in Portland, OR, calls to request Eat Skull's "Dead Families." Tom doesn't have that 7" record on hand.

- Arthur calls from Murray, Kentucky, a city whose residents are known for their inability to turn down their radios when calling live broadcasts of the shows coming out of said radios. He's no different, but he's able to quickly remedy the distracting echo effect. Arthur gives an update on the WFMU pledge karma that yielded an additional 75 free .mp3s on eMusic. He was browsing the site's inventory while listening to The Best Show, which inspired him to type "Scharpling & [stricken]" into the search field. Oh, Arthur. Tom can't talk about that.

- Julie from Cincinnati calls back to express concern that Tom may be committed for seeing things that aren't really there. After a brief pause, Julie informs her husband that Tom hung up on her. He didn't hang up! He was listening! Ha ha! Tom believes he is aboard a death ship.

- Rachel calls to thank Tom for ruining her three-month marriage with last week's "Coffin Talk" segment. She says that their domestic bliss dissolved after her weak-willed husband kept telling her to go shop for a coffin. She didn't appreciate the morbid initiative and left him. Tom wonders what would posses someone to constantly direct their spouse to shop for such an item. Rachel says it was in response to her ban on cold beers following a hard day at work. Tom thinks it sounds like a great marriage.

- Herbie calls from Philadelphia, and Tom guesses his former zip code as a student at Temple University. He graduated last semester with a degree in Art History and Philosophy. Herbie has visited the Philadelphia Museum of Art, so Tom asks him if it features any artwork other than the outdoor Rocky statue. Herbie says the museum displays additional Sylvester Stallone memorabilia inside the building. Tom thinks that sounds cool. He asks Herbie what people have against him to saddle him with such a nickname. Herbie says they have nothing against him. Tom wonders what can be done about Herbie, but for now he just wants him to proceed.

Herbie mentions the concept of "first-world problems", essentially a different term for Tom's oft-mentioned "rich people's problems", such as Paul from Nashville's debate about which exotic locale was most appropriate for his "bar trip." Tom believes that people in wealthy, industrialized nations can deal with most of their day-to-day issues if they take a moment to consider their relative comfort compared to the rest of the world. Herbie asks Tom to provide an example of one of his first-world problems, but The Kid's not prepared to go under the microscope. He turns the tables and asks Herbie to name one since he brought it up. Herbie thinks Tom will enjoy the fact that he gets excited every time someone says "wire" on The Best Show because he mistakenly thinks they are referring to the awesome punk band instead of the Home Box Office drama. Tom performs a snippet of Wire's very faithful cover of Elastica's "Connection" and asks Herbie if he saw Wire's brief cameo as drug dealers in season 3. I couldn't find it on YouTube, but Bob Gotobed's exchange with Tom Haulk is one of the funniest scenes in the entire series.

Herbie is having some difficulty landing a job in a museum, library, or gallery, so Tom suggests earning some cash as a street busker singing Wire's "Pink Flag" with backing tracks playing on a boom box. While this form of entertainment is historically more lucrative in NYC, Herbie thinks he may be able to corner the market in Philadelphia. He suspects the band's electronica-influenced, late-1980s output may have wider appeal than their rougher punk tunes, but Tom argues that people should be forced to confront the full force of their art. He bids Herbie goodnight.

- John in Boulder admits that he's a little embarrassed that his fellow Coloradoan (Coloradian?) is ashamed of Mark & Mindy. Tom doesn't get it because it's a funny show. John even bought a pair of Mark's trademark rainbow suspenders to express his enjoyment of his antics. He asks Tom if he thinks the return of the long-dormant Open Phone Tuesday has been a success. Tom doesn't see how anyone could think otherwise, especially with Good Guys like Jon on the line. John says this show would still rate a "W" if the old scoring system came back, but Tom believes it's a purebred "L" coated with primer and then two coats of paint on it. The verdict renders John speechless. Tom starts scatting again!

- Supercaller Erika from Baltimore calls with an update on Greg's report about the gold fence that was masquerading as an "art exhibit" around the perimeter of the Mount Vernon District Park in the downtown area. The enclosure was the drainchild of art student Lee Freeman, who was attempting to create a piece of literal outsider art by forcing residents to consider their neighborhood park as a place they could no longer access. Tom is not surprised to learn that the artist hails from New York with similarly-inclined parents who sold one of his pieces when he was nine years old. Viority reported last week that Barry Levinson plans to make a documentary about Freeman called My Kid Could Fence That In and Ruin Your Weekend. Tom thinks Freeman should be ashamed for depriving residents of enjoying a place they fund with their tax dollars. Erika says a new exhibition showing through May involves sweeping all the surrounding refuse into a large garbage can at the base of the Washington Monument. Who's doing this one? Nick from Family Ties?

Tom recommends that local officials push all the artists out of the city. Erika attended art school and gets what they are doing, but Tom thinks their comment on the city's problems lacks anything resembling an insightful creative vision. He wonders if anything can be done to improve the increasingly sick world we live in. Erika asks Tom how his side is feeling, and the news is not good. The pain persists and is now restricting his ability to breathe. Tom ponders the possibility that this could be his last show. Erika doesn't even want to think about that, but Tom wants her to confront his croaking because this would be his art installation.

- Matt from Philadelphia calls to offer some more first-world problems. He says he's friends with Herbie and heard the topic. Tom informs him that they can't just make up topics and run with them. He tells Matt to call Herbie's house if he wants to chat about first-world problems. Tom still can't believe that guy's name is Herbie.

- Martin in Edison calls to find out what is going on with the 91.1 MHz radio frequency. Tom prefers to just move on. Martin doesn't have anything else to add to the conversation.

- James says he's loving the new format, and Tom asks him if he's willing to stay on the phone for the next 45 minutes. James agrees to make that sacrifice as long as Tom hands him the reigns. However, before the transition takes place James Jameses Tom and hangs up. Mike begins bracing himself for what he'll hear in 25 minutes.

- Sleepy Tommert mumbles from Florida to provide more delayed amusements for Mike, who is still enjoying the call from Jeep Cherokee Wilson. Tom estimates that the big laffs will reach him around 10:44 p.m. He asks listeners to call with their review of Superhero Movie.

- A caller who is new to "the area" says he finds the show kinda fascinating because there is a complete surprise around every corner. Tom lets him go after he fails to provide any specifics about where he's calling from.

- Greg calls from Tom's part of the world to ask him if they are out in San Francisco right now. Tom doesn't know.

- Deena calls to ask Tom if he likes pears. Tom says they are not his favorite fruit, but he does like them. Deena thinks it's a shame because pears are her favorite fruit. Tom thinks that's a shame. He asks Deena to guess his favorite fruit, and she misfires on bananas, oranges, and calamari. Tom is confused by the last one because it is a dish comprised of fried squid. Deena claims that calamari is considered a fruit in certain parts of Europe. Tom now realizes that she's referring to Frutti de Mare (aka "Fruit of the Sea"), a seafood mélange that is popular along the Italian coast. He informs Deena that calamari is not his favorite frutti. Deena needs some hints, so she asks Tom if the fruit is something that grows in the garden or appears on the street. Tom says his fruit of choice is not discarded cigarette butts. Deena admits that it would be foolish to consume these poisonous stumps.

Earlier today Tom spotted a mess of a woman walking down the street while smoking, and he thinks it's time to start spreading the news that smoking is bad for you. Deena is on board with the PSA, which could prove especially beneficial for people who frequent Joan Jett concerts. She does not attend them, but they remind her of people who have been smoking for some time. Deena tells Tom that if he thinks about it hard enough he will be able to envision a typical Joan Jett fan as a smoker. He tries it, but he can't quite conjure the image. Deena tells Tom to picture an old leather face from lots of smoke over years, thin, stringy hair breaking off, and long, bony fingers dyed yellow. At this point Tom suspects that Deena is really John Cale 's sister, Joan, reading from "The Gift 2." He GOMPs her.

- A caller asks Tom if he's still soliciting opinions on Superhero Movie. He says that he kinda likes all those crazy spoof-em-ups. Tom says his favorite character was James. He did it! Tom James'd James. He wonders how James likes them apples, which are now his favorite fruit since he referenced them in the context of putting the little worm back in his place. Tom bets that James's cheap toupee is spinning around on his bald head. He thinks the ASPCA should investigate this hairpiece. Tom also advises James to start shopping for an adult-sized toupee to replace the miniature model he purchased at age 13.

- Tommert returns with Mike's sound advice to splash some cold water on his face. Tom agrees with this remedy for his lethargy and wonders what is wrong with the low-energy youth of today. Tommert says he opted for the more soothing warm water treatment because he thinks it's better to just chill out. Tom yells into Mike's screening lair to tell him that Tommert did not follow his prescription. He just wants Tommert to WAKE UP.

- The very alert Josh in Miami calls just as the FOT chat freezes to complete the rare trifecta of technical gaffes. He says he just wanted to say hello and discuss his recent sighting of someone reading Chris Mooney's The Republican War on Science. Josh points out that it's the kind of book where he can absorb the entire thesis just from reading the title on the cover. Meanwhile, this poor slob is investing hours to pour over 342 pages. Tom hears Mike having a laff party over the thing he did 11 minutes ago. He understands Josh's quick conclusion that it is a sneaky, judgmental tome. Josh hopes that Tom's book will not be like that, but it will. Tom whispers a message to Mike to thank him for being Associate Producer so he will have a nice treat awaiting him on the audio stream. Josh tells Mike that he belongs in the Hall of Fame, and Tom asks Josh not to push it. Mike's already enshrined! Class of 2007!

- Laird Larry in Kansas City calls to refute his wife's claims that she left him over his incessant requests for a coffin shopping trip. He says that was the first he had heard about her departure. Tom wonders if this is the second half of a his-'n'-hers comedy bit. (As far as those go, this was certainly nowhere near the level of Fred and Gertrude.) Larry confirms that they wed three months ago in a ceremony held at his parents' house. He says they are still waiting to receive photograph proof. Tom's done with this story. Mike finally hears the message Tom recorded for him during breakfast.

Tom decides to skip the forthcoming Google Phone in favor of the AskJeeves Phone so he can talk to people living in 2003.

- An unidentified ghost from Afterlife, NJ, accidentally calls The Best Show instead of "Coast-to-Coast with George Noory." As long as they are on the line, Tom asks to speak to escape artist Harry Houdini to discuss some of his amazing tricks. The caller is unable to find him, so Tom requests a chat with baseball HOFer Ty Cobb to get his take on the modern era of his sport. The ghost perks up and suspects that Cobb thinks baseball sucks. Tom makes a final attempt at booking a special guest: comedian Foster Brooks. Nothing. The ghost goes poof. Tom asks Larry the Perv to call because his stylings are just what this show needs. After a brief exchange about the extreme heat of recent $mall ¢hange sets, a caller pretends to be from The Other Side. Tom thinks the fakery is an insult to all legitimate ghosts.

- James calls to reclaim the Jamesing lead, but Tom James's James a-back-to-back and a-belly-to-belly, Sterling-stylee.

- Paul from Staten Island calls for another stroll down Hylan Boulevard, and this time Tom visits the Stahbucks inside the Ultimate Stop N Shop. He's not interested in drinking a $5.50 coffee while sitting in the flower department with customers whizzing by him with carts full of paper towels. Tom believes the hefty price tag is supposed to include a more pleasant experience.

Since there is no official topic, Paul asks Tom if he thinks it's worth plunking down the cash to see the new Simon Pegg vehicle, Run, Fat Boy, Run. Tom hasn't seen the film, but he can't imagine anyone passing up the surefire cinematic combo of David Schwimmer and Michael Ian Black. He decides not to pre-judge it and asks Paul to see it on his behoff at the scary theater that is still showing One Missed Call and Be Kind Rewind (10,000 BC coming in May). Paul recently mentioned that he was horrified to spot a three-year-old in a stroller at a Freddy vs. Jason screening, and he remembers seeing Superbad at the same theater without air conditioning. Tom doesn't really understand why it's that big a deal for a movie theater to not have air conditioning in August. Paul says they did put a sign at the ticket window, but management never verbalized the sauna that awaited paying customers. He would have bolted for another theater, but his friends had purchased advance tickets. Paul says it was tolerable until the last half hour when the theater became the equivalent of a back porch in the south with not a pitcher of sweet tea in sight.

Speaking of tea, Paul asks Tom for his take on bubble tea, a trendy Taiwanese concoction of flavored tea with tapioca goo at the bottom to make you nauseous. Tom thinks it's completely disgusting. Paul was also not a fan when he tried it in Manhattan at the urging of friends who could have easily used it as an April Fool's Day prank. Tom mentions that the Lemon Tree salons now offer bubble tea to go along with their paninis. He predicts that 40 years from now the Arthur Kill dumping grounds will be littered with panini machines after they go the way of the dodo. Tom thinks the panini craze has definitely peaked as people gradually realized that they are not very good. Paul thinks they're fine, but not necessarily superior to any other bread format. Tom believes that "smooshed sandwiches" is a more apt term, and he refuses to eat those. He GOMPs Paul for being a nice guy.

- Samir in Florida calls to chime in on some movie things, but he's interrupted by Mike's panini laughter. He reminds Mike to check out Control, Anton Corbijn's Ian Curtis bio-pic. Tom asks Samir if he can believe that Corbijn is slated to helm Superbad 2: Ready to Party. Samir, who has some difficulty believing the odd directorial choice, suspects that many fans of the original will be disappointed that the sequel is shot in black and white. He had high-ish hopes for Run, Fat Boy, Run because he's been a huge Simon Pegg fan since Spaced, which is his favourite television show of all-time, just edging out the celebrity editions of The Apprentice and To Catch a Predator. However, Samir was disappointed because RFBR was a run-of-the-mill romcom that didn't bring the funny like Pegg's previous film collaborations with Edgar Wright. In this film, Wright's sharp eye for interesting shot compositions and effects is replaced by workmanlike direction from Schwimmer. Tom is confident that Pegg will return to glory with his next effort, and Samir hopes so because he does like that kid.

- Ajax in Oakland calls to discuss how not amazing now is compared to how they thought it was gonna be in Back to the Future Part II. Tom thinks about why they didn't actually show us the now they knew was gonna happen and quickly realizes that it would not have been any fun. He GOMPs Ajax for dissing BTTF2.

- Jeffrey in Nashville calls to follow up on his FOT Chat confusion regarding Tom's announcement of a track by The Black Hollies. He thought he heard him say The Black Collies. Tom thinks the latter would also make for a good band name. Jeffrey's mom raises collies, and he says there are black ones with white collars. Tom is more interested in pitch-black dogs, which may require some mutant breeding experiments. He asks Jeffrey to imagine a scenario where his mom is at a dog show with her prized Heirborne when a pack of thickly-maned, black collies, led by non-collie Dogmo, come crashing in to terrorize the crowd. Jeffrey compares Dogmo's role in the gang to Babe in Babe: Pig in the City. Tom GOMPs Jeffrey for calling Dogmo a pig.

On the Next ... 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Posted by Omar at 9:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

(You are the best)
Keep fighting and trying
(To pass the test)
So try to keep fighting
(You are the best)
Fight your best fight
And try to fight best
Try your best
Try to fight through the test

(You are the best)
Fight try test fight try best
(You are the best)
Try fight fight try best try test fight
(You are the best)
The best

Posted by DOP at 9:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

"You know who's a huge classical buff? No one I know!" -- Tom, looking for actual fans and finding none

"No one get killed like that kid did in the movie. If you're gonna get killed, pay your pledge first. Let that be your final act of paying it forward." -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid the fate of young Haley Joel Osment until they do the right thing

"Wait. You mean Kim Fowley pulled a fast one on somebody? What? Hold on. He was less than honest? Are you sure it's the same Kim Fowley?" -- Tom, questioning the identity of a supposed scam artist at the Pan-American ticket counter

"That's the only band I really wanted to see besides Half Japanese and The Slits." -- Michael K of The Cynics, lamenting the scheduling conflicts that prevented him from seeing Hanson at SX

"Is this Beatle Bob? You're not Beatle Bob, are you?" -- Michael K, trying to identify the caller who took offense to his geographical zings

"Am I here? Is this my show? I thought it was. I'm gonna go home. Mike, let these two guys do the show." -- Tom, moving to the back of the bus during a steamrolling discussion of Southern cuisine

"How many teams do they have? And do they play in their robes, like the full robes?" -- Tom, inquiring about the representation and attire of the KKK squads entered in the Whirlyball Nationals

"It's gonna flop hard. It's gonna flop harder than the sweat pouring down James's forehead, loosening that cheap toupee of his." -- Tom, predicting the box-office fate of The Love Guru

"I'd like to slam his fingers in that desk drawer, maybe get him to wake up for once." -- Tom, rousing This American Life host Ira Glass from his terminal slumber

"Oh, good, it has 'Pipeline' on it." -- Paycheque, rejoicing in a choice Johnny Thunders import 10"

"Exactamundo." -- Greg from Baltimore

"They coulda used Mountain." -- Nate from St. Paul, proposing a suitable BOC alternative for the "More Cowbell" sketch

"Tom Starplin, I love you, but you gotta stop GOMPin' Lair-ee." -- A hopeless pupil, disappointing his mentor yet again

"That might make him the best kind of caller: the guy who brings the energy of someone who would curse, but doesn't curse." -- Tom, praising Sonny from JC's ability to walk the delicate line in his takedown of late-period Al Pacino

"Yeah, you sound stupid." -- Tom, detecting a lot of unintelligent callers during the "Coffin Talk" segment

"I don't build coffins, I shop for 'em." -- Tom, declining to respond to a question about the ideal wood for a sturdy construction

"My throat. My throat hurts so much. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore!" -- Tom, rising from the grave

"Apparently, you want it all. Apparently, you want to hear 'Layla' and get in-depth news coverage." - Tom, informing a caller that he's asking way too much of his classic rock radio station

[TBSOWFMU - 3/25/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Coffin Break - "Boxes and Boxes"

( Click here to buy No Sleep 'Til the Stardust Motel)

Torche - "Across The Shields"

( Click here to pre-order Meanderthal)

Final Solutions - "In A Coma"

( Click here to buy Songs by Solutions)

The Marked Men - "Fix My Brain"

( Click here to buy Fix My Brain)

Monkeywrench - "Levitation"

( Click here to buy Gabriel's Horn)

Thee Headcoatees - "Just Like A Dog"

( Click here to buy Bozstik Haze)

Mission of Burma - "Progress"

( Click here to buy the Matador re-issues)

Lungfish - "Nation Saving Song"

( Click here to buy Love is Love)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Tom is back for another exciting Tuesday night radio adventure, but he's doing it without the companionship and sonic contributions of his beloved sidekick. He gave the ABBA box a well-deserved week off and enlisted Agnetha Fältskog's De Forsta Aren 1967-1979 box set as a more than adequate fill-in. (However, it was far less chatty than it's blue-felt relative, perhaps due to having less command of English.) Tom explains that ABBA was a legit Supergroup because prior to the band's formation Anni-Frid had hits and Agnetha had hits. Benny and Björn? You guessed it: hits. Tom played Agnetha's "Jag Var Sa Kar", and Crimestick, an actual Swedish fella, gives his pronunciation of the track name a passing grade.

The two lit lines scare Tom because he thought people were well aware that pre-topic calls were dicey bets to make it through the gauntlet of horror. Mike has no idea how the first caller is going to turn out, and the second one is a controversial caller from last week.

- Arthur in Kentucky tries to beat the 30-second clock with a tale of marathon pledging and Internet karma. He was hesitant to pledge due to cash-flow problems, but he mailed his payment today because he had to drop $75 for the "We Did It Again" Fun Pack. Arthur says it felt good because he knows he did the right thing for WFMU. Tom resets the clock.

Arthur believes his contribution led to some good digital music fortune. He recently got an email from eMusic trying to lure him back to the service with 75 free songs for a trial subscription. Arthur gladly accepted the bounty and immediately canceled. After paying his pledge he received another offer for 75 songs, which he considers part of his premium loot. Since Arthur generally likes everything Tom plays on the show, he asks for 5 or 6 album download recommendations. He allows Tom to gradually reveal his picks throughout the show to avoid putting him on the spot. Tom appreciates it. I'd say grab these 49, then these 13 (better than Tawny port and colonic therapy!), and then any 13 from this.

Arthur says he likes everything from Jay-Z to Jay Reatard, but Tom doesn't think it's that wide of a range. The ABBA-to-Zappa crowd has always driven Tom nuts because he simply doesn't buy that there are people who truly like all music, and he's particularly skeptical about their supposed embrace of classical music. The two most common exceptions: rap and country. Tom questions the true diversity of a musical spectrum that omits the entirety of two genres. He also doubts they really like any classical pieces beyond movie scores like 2001: A Space Odyssey. Arthur believes classical music serves as little more than background noise while doing homework. Tom does not know any classical buffs, although he thinks the caller on hold may be an enthusiast.

Arthur has one more bit of Internet karma: AST maestro Jouster got him into The Best Show, which led to his pledge. Tom thinks Jouster is a Good Guy. Arthur got someone else to pledge $75, so he gives Jouster credit for that one, too. Tom compares this chain of events to Pay It Forward without the kid dying. He tells listeners who plan to get killed for their good deeds to pay their pledge prior to passing.

- Michael K from The Cynics confirms that he knows classical music. He also mentions that the A-t-Zers usually cite the obscure British band The Beatles as their favorite group. MK says he's doing better than he looks, but not as good as Tom looks (translation: still tilting at windmills). Last week he caused a bit of a row with some incendiary remarks that slandered the entire southern portion of the country before getting bumped for Marky Ramone. MK doesn't expect Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life to be a good read.

Tom reminds him that he lives in Pittsburgh (go Steeluhs!), which prompts MK to recite the classical James Carvel quote: "Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between." MK says he has no problem throwing rural PA under the bus, and he's not going to argue that The Pitts is a cosmopolitan mecca. However, it is his home, and he believes it's far superior to Florida.

Tom points out that since Weird Paul is the city's biggest cultural claim to fame, MK hasn't really earned the high ground to take shots at the rest of the country. MK tries to give the Pittsburgh music roster a boost by including the Iron City Houserockers. He doesn't think he's a giant towering over people, but he does reside above the South. He admits that he gets kinda nervous when traveling in rural areas. Tom visited his fair city, and it was mostly rural areas until he reached the Andy Warhole Museum. MK is certain that Tom and Jillian Barberie had a lovely drive on his motorcycle. Tom says he is still trying to get a refund for his admission fee because it was just five empty floors with a stray silver pillow. In a nutshell, it lacked the art that an art museum usually displays for patrons. Tom says he stole the pillow and put it up for sale on eBay. I'm bidding on it using AuctoBlock!

MK begins Part II of his SX report by noting the pleasant time he spent with various friends from Spain and Mexico. He also got the rare treat of seeing musical impresario Kim Fowley at the Get Hip showcase. The next day his wallet was missing he saw him in jail attempting to get a return flight to L.A at the Pan-American counter at the Austin airport . Tom wonders if Fowley is a member of The Beatles since he was trying to secure a seat on a defunct airline. MK says Fowley told Pan-Am employees that he was blind and required special assistance. He thought it was a brilliant idea because Fowley was wielding a (razor?) cane and was eventually helped onto a plane. MK thinks Fowley deserves special treatment for being a celebrity instead of having to resort to ocular fibbery. He played things aboveboard so he had to stay an extra day before flying home on the Spruce Goose. Tom is very surprised to find out that Fowley was less than honest and pulled a fast one to get on the flight. He's not even sure if he's thinking of the same Kim Fowley. MK urges Tom to call Pan-American to report the ruse. Tom says he will do that as soon as he boards his time machine. Sidenote: High on Fire apparently performed a well-received cover of "Nut Rocker" during the festival. It'll be released on 6,000-gram "Mint Chocolate Chip" vinyl this fall by Man's Ruin (split with Fu Manchu's cover of "They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha-Haaa!").

MK really wanted to see Half Japanese at the WFMU showcase, but he will have to settle for the archive. He thinks Tom would be a great host for the live WFMU broadcast next year because he'd surely love holding things down amidst 20 million doughy white people mulling around one street listening to 30 bands at the same time. Tom says he will never attend SX because he might encounter Harry Knowles, the round mound of online movie gossip who traverses the city in a scooter. MK saw Fowley, Clement T. Burkhauser III, and a few other celebs, but Knowles and Taylor Hanson eluded him. Tom is not familiar with Mr. Hanson, so MK explains that he's a member of the fraternal pop trio Hanson, who were unfortunately playing at the same time as a Cynics gig. He was very disappointed because he was mainly looking forward to seeing Hanson, Half Japanese, and The Slits. MK suspects that Hanson drew a good portion of The Cynics audience to their gig. I was hoping that MK would discuss his defeat at the hands of a malnourished and dehydrated Philly Boy Roy in the Pennsylvania Accent Throwdown at last year's SX Wawa Records showcase. MK reports that the notoriously anti-American Cynics plan to go back to Europe to get the hell out of this ugly country before returning for some summer shows with Mudhoney.

Another passenger takes a seat on Tom's bus to say that MK raised his dander with his anti-South riffage. MK wonders if it's someone from Florida. The caller, a former Pittsburgh resident, demands an apology for the offending commentary. He says he currently lives in Atlanta, GA, and Tom wants to know why. He quickly reveals that the query was a joke -- he actually has nothing against any of the locales being dissed. The caller says he doesn't consider Florida to be part of the south proper despite its location. Tom thought he was making an indignant call to defend his home turf, not start a tag-team attack on the Sunshine State. The caller says he holds MK in great respect, so he has no problem joining him in this cause. However, he believes MK is being tremendously narrowsighted in arguing that the South is not all that. The bottom line: he hates Northern purists. Tom thinks the South will rise again, but the caller thinks it has already risen. (Still waiting on the biscuits, though.) He lived in the North for half of his life, and he can't think of one thing it has over the South other than an abundance of good record stores. Tom adds a couple more things: tall buildins (aka skyyyyyscrapers) and aeroports. MK adds tornadoes. The caller says that while he was in SX a tornado rampaged through his neighborhood.

At this point, MK wonders if he's talking to Beatle Bob, the mop-topped, St. Louis-based, arrhythmic concert dancer/agitator. Tom asks the caller to announce himself. It's actually Henry Owings, the publisher of Bunklet, a pamphlet dedicated to Baltimore homicide detective William "Bunk" Moreland and the D.C. Go-Go scene. MK gets excited because now he is talking to two of his idols. Henry tells MK that while he can understand remarks tossed off in the heat of the moment, he really, really, really thinks he's off-base in saying that the South is anything other than awesome. MK tries to win Henry over by expressing love for the boiled peanuts at East Atlanta's The Earl. Henry touts other Southern culinary delights like turnip greens, black-eyed peas, corn bread, and pulled-pork BBQ sandwiches. MK says he considers Atlanta a legit urban enclave unlike the rest of Georgia and the surrounding states.

MK and Henry are so immersed in conversation that Tom wonders if he is still in the studio doing his radio show. He considers going home and tells Mike the Associate Producer to let these guys finish out the rest of the show. While Henry is known for his incorrigible steamrolling of Tom, this was closer to a full-on hijacking (Sajaking?). MK mentions that the best thing the South offers is sweet tea, a beverage Tom thinks is suitable for people who want to accelerate the onset of diabetes. Henry says that when he moved to The Pitts in 1990 for school he was struck by how unbelievably nice the people were. He suspects that some Southern hospitality rubbed off from West Virginia, Virginia, and Kentucky.

Tom tips his hat to Henry for helping put together the exclusive Patton Oswalt EP for the marathon. Henry says it was an honor to help out WFMU and The Best Show. Tom requests an update on Team Chunklet's legendary Whirlyball exploits against various rock bands who had never heard of the sport until 20 minutes before gametime. Henry says they are still undefeated at 44-0 and have been asked to compete this June in the national competition. Tom assumes that the KKK will enter some teams in the event, and he asks Henry if they play while wearing the full robes. Henry is pretty sure that their players opt for sleeker white jumpers because the loose robes would likely get caught/ripped in the cramped bumper cars or hinder the range of motion on scoop maneuvers. Tom wonders how many times a day Henry observes KKK activities in Georgia. Henry says he never sees anything in Atlanta, especially since he lives in a very integrated and diverse neighborhood. He has heard about the KKK flare-ups in Forsyth County circa 1987 and the rallies 100 years ago at Stone Mountain, a massive granite dome featuring a bas-relief of Confederate heroes Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis.

The park also hosts summer amphitheater concerts (e.g., Eric Clapton, Necroczar, The Northern Bushmen), and Henry promises to take MK to one of the laser bean shows the next time he's in town. MK doesn't know anything about the KKK, but he hopes that Henry is not trying to get him involved in any sporting activities. Tom has to clear the lines because MK lapses into toilet mouth. Tom reminds listeners that this is not The Ron Jeremy Radio Hour, which hasn't been on the WFMU schedule since 1986. Tom calls MK a sick prevert and issues a five-year ban.

- Fledgling ROY candidate Steve in North Hollywood calls to continue clearing the decks in the first hour of the program. Last week he arranged an on-air interview with Nate Hartley, the star of Drillbit Taylor, America's #1 comedy, but now he has actual stuff to talk about. Steve backs up Arthur's karma theory by revealing that the day after he pledged he got a backpay check for some raises that was nearly 10 times the amount of his pledge. Tom asks him if he pledged $10. Steve says he pledged $150. Rapist! The check allowed him to pay off some loans, take car of his car, and begin building a nest egg.

Steve apologizes for bringing up American Idol, but he wants to discuss a really funny story emerging from the show's trenches. In a nutshell, David Cook's nü-metal "Eleanor Rigby" cover prompted Seattle-based DOXOLOGY to claim that he stole their arrangement. Steve dismisses the charge as a sad stab at fame, noting that the band is also doing a cover of The Beatles's original. He says he's heard both clips and doesn't think Cook's version sounds anything like Doxology's take. Steve digs an even deeper hole for himself after Tom catches him referring to the reality music skein as just the showbizzy "Idol." Tom welcomed Steve as a beacon of light earlier in the year, but he's clearly in a slump. He diagnoses Steve with a case of the yips and asks God's forgiveness for using a golf term on the air. Tom recommends getting back to the basics to avoid out-thinking and spooking himself. Steve says he will try to back off of the yips starting now. He asks Tom if that works for him. Tom GOMPs him. He puts Julie from Cincinnati in the lead by default in what is now a wide open ROY race. Steve has plummeted to the bottom. Tom compares his fall to hyped Oscar bait like Smilla's Sense of Snow that immediately vanishes upon its late-year theatrical push.

- Tom saw the trailer for The Love Guru, and he's ready to declare the whole Mike Myers thing ova. The thing in question is limp, Carol Burnett-grade "comedies" featuring weird sound effects. Myers continues trampling over the Peter Sellers filmography with his take on The Party, including contorting his body into a pretzel shape by twisting his fake legs behind his head like Dorf on Golf. Tom reports that when Myers bites his foot, the sound effect is identical to Scooby Doo eating a sandwich. He didn't like it.

- Henry from South Orange says he was in a "task group" that attended an advance test screening of The Love Guru. He thinks that if you like the Austin Powers movies, you'll probably get James'd. Ew, buoy. He's back. Tom wants to know what is wrong with this sicko because he begged him for Facebook friendship and promised to halt his mutant intrusions. James says it's a different James, but he retracts that and takes responsibility for the Jamesing. While Tom thinks he's creepy, he's still ahead of Steve for ROY. Tom is usually a gentlemen, but this particular sloth has left him with no choice but to air his dirty polyester briefs on the air. He reads from one of James's sad-sack Facebook missives:

Hey Tom,

Obviously I tried to make my mark on the show with the whole James thing, and I apologize. I only succeeded in making myself look like a [jerk], and very well at that. Not quite what I was thinking when it started and even more bewildered as to why it continued. No more James calls, just Jeremy sitting faithfully next to his radio on Tuesday nights. I still contend that it is the funniest program across all mediums [sic]. And sorry about the whole Record Fair thing [Ed. - a sweaty, twitching James nervously came clean to Tom upon exiting the bathroom], it was really nice to have met you, and you couldn't have been more pleasant.

Tom thinks James may have a demon in his head like Mr. Brooks that prevents him from letting go of his compulsion to pollute the program with unfunny pranks. He plans to turn the tables on James like Mel Gibson in Ransom even though he hasn't actually seen that film. Based on the trailer, Tom is pretty sure that Gibson's character made a commercial to offer money to kill the people who kidnapped his son. Tom starts looking for his Churchill tape so he can rally to overcome the opening quartet of garbage dump callers.

Before announcing tonight's topic he briefly returns to The Love Guru to criticize the uninspired casting of Verne Troyer. He finds it hard to believe that Mini-Me still has some new tricks in his playbook and shames Mike Myers for making lame jokes about Troyer's size in the trailer. Tom predicts that the film will flop harder than the toupee-loosening sweat pouring down James's forehead. It really is time for James to upgrade. I haven't seen anything less prone to adhesion since the wallpaper at the Hotel Earle in Barton Fink. Tom considers charging for The Best Show if he has to keep dealing with people like James.

Tom puts a topic on the table: I Love Ya, But-. For example, Tom loves Neil Young, but he thinks his output in the last 10 years is bad news, Jack. Tom starts pounding his CD Player because his bed music is skipping. He wants to hear about other favorites that have let listeners down with some duds. Tom asks Mike if his protégé, Larry the Perv, fits this description. Mike is disappointed that Larry the Perv appears to have forgotten how to do Larry the Perv.

- Johnny B from Port Jervis, NY, risks going tangentle to the topic to ask Tom who actually does the theme song for DJ Terre T's Cherry Blossom Clinic, which is heard every Saturday on WFMU from 3 to 6 p.m. He says that the residents of the local part-time nuthouse really like to crank up the volume on that tune. Tom tells him that it is performed by The Move. He doubts it was really the surviving Jerky Boy because he didn't charge Tom $25 for the call.

- A caller says he loves Penn Jillette, but he doesn't need to see him on Dancing with the Stars. He and his wife caught a glimpse of his moves while they were cooking dinner, and they went "Whuuuuuuut?" Tom has a stomach ache now. For what it's worth, Penn does a decent soft shoe in episode 4.8 of Penn & Teller: Bull s hit!

- Jerry in Boulder, CO, takes a break from his shift at the Mork & Mindy museum to try to get things back on track. He tempers his Guided By Voices love by criticizing Robert Pollard's 25-minute stage banter about the shortcomings of other bands. He prefers less talking and more songs. Tom points out that even with these asides, a typical GBV show still provides more than 3 hours of music. Jerry is also aware that GBV ended their run 4 years ago, but he had to finally get it off his chest. Tom doesn't think he should let things fester for that long.

Tom asks Jerry if he has Nuggets fever, but he's not even sure if he can place them in their proper sport. Tom thinks he could give it a try. Jerry correctly identifies them as a basketball team. Tom knew he could do it because it's not like Colorado has multiple franchises in each professional sport. He asks Jerry if they have a hockey team. Jerry has no idea, and Tom bids him Good Day. He concurs with the FOT Chat's assessment that this was the best call of the night.

- A caller loves the hip chicks, but he's had enough of the terrible Bettie Page look. Tom asks him what he looks like, but the caller is hesitant to respond because he's not female. He changes his mind and says he looks like Bettie Page. Tom can't believe this is where The Best Show is at in 2008. He thinks God is smoting him after a triumphant marathon performance. Tom commends the FOT Chat for running a great, pro show while he's dealing with mumbling humanoids. He wishes that they knew that there was a radio show that spawned that very chat room.

Chris from the Music Snobbery website calls to wish Tom a Happy Tuesday and belated Happy Easter. He loves U2, but he wants them to stop existing because he hasn't liked any of their albums since The Joshua Tree. Tom asks him if he's a fan of "With or Without You." Chris says he prefers tracks like "Where the Streets Have No Name", which he considers to be one of the best kickoffs to an album. Chris thinks the album came out in 1986 or 1987, but Tom doesn't have any idea because the the only band he hates more than U2 is the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Chris also picks RHCP as his most hated with Grateful Dead in the second slot. Tom says the only U2-related song he enjoys is the Pet Shop Boys's magical mash-up of "Where The Streets Have No Name" and "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." Chris knows that Bono is a great man who supports a lot of worthy causes, but he's just rehashing his music for 40-year-olds. Tom agrees that it's time for U2 to retire. He thinks he's finally piecing the show back together.

- Showbiz Sean from Los Angeles is good, and he's gonna bring things all the way back!

• Drove past Amanda Bynes in a golf cart
• Met the great Faison (Good Guy), Braff (Good Guy), and Chalke (Good Gal)
• John C. McGinley is a jerk intense and prone to ad-libs; Tom enjoyed his work in Are We Done Yet?
• Post-Pavement Stephen Malkmus (bitch!) is morphing from Rupert Holmes-y story songs into Jerry Garcia jamfests

- Julie from Cincinnati:

• Paid her pledge online and wants her vote to count
• She loves cigarettes ("They're great! Except for the cancer.") and would smoke 10 packs/day if they were not so smelly
• Her soft-serve husband cried like a baby last week; Julie had to send his mother over to console him. (Not really.)

- Liz in Chicago:

• Tom slams NPR's egghead programming like the snoozefest This American Life (aka worst. show. ever.) and plans to wake up Ira Glass by slamming his fingers in his desk drawer
• Liz reveals that she is employed by NPR; Tom fails to get her to admit that Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! quipmaster Peter Sagal is a creep and asks her to use her clout to get him a show called The Joe Lunchpail Hour
• Liz loves her friends, but she wants them to stop detailing all of their exciting non-adventures on their blogs in lieu of offline communication
• Mike runs a Panera Bread blog

- Steve in NoHo steps right back up to the plate with an entry for the topic. He says he loves the rock 'n rollers, but he wants them to save the cover songs for their live performances. Steve is having troubling escaping The Killers's cover of Joy Division's "Shadowplay" and No Doubt's rendition of Talk Talk's "It's My Life." Tom suggests turning off the horrible radio station and switching to a CD. He GOMPs him again. Last place!

- Samir in Florida suggests that Steve could talk to his buddy Nate Hartley instead of listening to the radio. Tom appears to enjoy the zinger, even though he's not sure who Nate Hartley is. He then remembers that the young actor is the star of box-office smash Drillbit Taylor, which was completely sold out when he tried to screen it this past weekend. Tom says he tried to catch it on international waters, but the last ferry had already left the dock.

Samir says he wasn't too keen on the Florida bashing by Henry Owings and Michael K. He lives in Gainesville and may attend the Mudcrutch reunion shows. Last week Samir mentioned that that Bob Saget is performing tonight at the O'Connell Center, and in a scheduling dilemma that rivals the Hanson/Cynics SX competition, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright will also be speaking tonight at the University of Florida. I heard she works really blue! Tom is relieved to be able to voice his true opinions of Bob Saget now that superfan Todd Barry is not in the studio. He cannot imagine seeing Saget have a nervous breakdown on stage. Samir says he turned down two offers from people who thought the concert would be an awesome event. Tom thinks it's time for Saget to stop being haunted by making $110 million for a run on Full House that ended 11 years ago.

Samir loves the music of Andre 2000*, Mos Def, and Common, but he'd like them to be a bit more discerning when selected their move roles. He wasn't too hot on Four Brothers, Be Cool, or Revolver. Call of the Night!

*Lost 1,000 points for appearing in the above films.

- Laurie in Miami:

• Loves The Cynics, but shames Michael K for his recent anti-South outbursts
• Declines to throw Gainesville under the bus because they host a pirate parade (the swashbuckling bacchanalia actually takes place in Tampa)
• Plans to have Doddy turn the sun closer to her since it's a chilly 67 degrees at 9:23 p.m.
• Loves Wes in the FOT Chat, but she wants him to call the program to bring the funny to a wider audience; Tom wants Omar, 2007 Best Best Show Recapper, to make a push for ROY
• Patton Oswald liked Midtown War Hulk; Tom and Laurie agree with everything except the liking part
• Tom thinks The Hulk stinks and has no hope for The Incredible Hulk; laments Franck Khalfoun's forthcoming remake of Time Bandits starring Andy Milonakis (multiple bandits) and Jamie Kennedy (one bandit)
• Laurie wants someone to confiscate Miley Cyrus's digital camera; Tom wants Laurie to start using an egg timer to limit her consumption of gossip websites

- A caller loves television, but he's sick of Scrubs reruns airing on 10 different networks.

- Heavyweight Supercaller Paycheque in Toronto supports the topic with the first post-mortem entry. He loves Johnny Thunders, but when he's holding a triple-10" collection of Thunders playing with a pick-up band in Buffalo circa 1984 the love dissipates. He. Did it. Again. While Tom thinks Paycheque's countryman will go down in flames with The Love Guru, he is excited to see Jessica Alba try to be funny for the 800th time. Paycheque says we can finally wave the white flag on that experiment following the release of Good Luck Chuck 2. Tom recently spent some time perusing obnoxious Dane Cook video clips, including a visit to a young fan in a hospital with suspiciously high production values. He blesses Cook for his success, but he doesn't believe that he -- or any other beloved comic performer -- should ever remove their shirt and throw it into the crowd as they exit the stage. Tom notes one exception: Hulk Hogan at an open-mic night after doing a solid 20 minutes on the peculiar construction of modern bandanas and prior to beating up John Stossel.

- Greg from Baltimore loves art, but it's getting a little out of hand around his parts. Lee Freeman, a Maryland Institute College of Art student, recently constructed his thesis project in the form of 3,000 feet of gold-painted, chainlink fence enclosing the four squares of Mount Vernon District Park in an attempt to get visitors to reconsider the landmark space from an altered perspective. The fence does not wrap around the park's centerpiece, Baltimore's cooler Washington Monument, which is topped by a statue of George Washington in a toga. Greg says that many residents are up in arms about not being able to enter the park. He just thinks it's a stupid idea. Tom hopes that nobody is actually getting trapped inside the artwork. Greg has spotted some people milling around inside, but they seem to be fellow art students just having a laff. He mentions that the installation includes the Marquis de la Fayette dressed in a clown suit.

Tom summarizes what Greg has told him to make sure he's got it, and Greg confirms Tom's understanding by saying "exactamundo." Tom asks him to never use the term again and takes a few moments to regain his bearings. He then resumes the conversation before he's fully recovered from the surprising urban slang. Greg says posters decrying rich kid art and retitling the park "Mount Vermin" are popping up, indicating that the folly of youth is beckoning World War III. A police commander in Baltimore's Western District also caused a local uproar by joining forces with Freeman to use the enclosure as an experimental "drug-free zone." Tom is sure that some people looking for a nice stroll in the park in the spring weather are going to smash the fence. Greg thinks tensions are indeed reaching the breaking point, especially since the annual Easter egg hunt was thwarted by the precious barrier. The bottom line: Tom doesn't like it.

He's also not a fan of the scene-causing missions of Improv Everywhere because he feels they give the slob employees at retailers like Best Buy an unfair hard time. Tom vows to disrupt future missions with counterattacks he will bill as "Improv Anywhere" routines. He didn't care for the IE Cell Phone Symphony mission, which involved the improv performers checking bags containing cell phones at the Strand Bookstore and then calling said baggage in unison. Tom prefers people to take on bigger targets, such as putting a fence around The White House, man! He does wish that one person gets trapped in the Mount Vernon gold chains: POB electronic musician Dan Deacon. Greg erupts in laughter at this hypothetical confinement since he lives in the building which served as the Wham City collective's living/performance space. Greg thought the artists were pretty cool, but the people who attended the shows thought it was fun to pull the fire alarm at 3:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. Tom wants all of them locked inside the gold fence.

- Nate Hartley from St. Paul points out that the baseball version of the yips is often referred to as "Steve Blass Disease" or "Steve Sax Disease," two players who were suddenly unable to make routine throws. He thinks The Best Show yips should be called "Steve from North Hollywood Disease."

Nate loves Chris Walken, but the actor made the mistake of appearing in the famous "More Cowbell" SNL sketch eight years ago. He got sick of it after its comedy shelf life expired and became a meme that people yell out at concerts as a way to unleash a classic "Freebird"-style request while simultaneously professing their love for the comedy stylings of Will Ferrell. In the sketch, Ferrell exuberantly plays the cowbell to elevate BÖC's dynamite sound at Walken's request. Nate says he doesn't like how the sketch's pop culture longevity has steadily encroached on his enjoyment of the quality rock contained in Blue Öyster Cult's discography. He thinks the writers could have achieved the same result with Mountain.

- Terry from Port Jervis, NY:

• Ponders the nature of true love
• Reveals that her boyfriend, Danny, played the jug for the 13th Floor Elevators
• Tom dumps her because she may have used toilet mouth

- Ann from Providence loves the work of Terry Gilliam, but Tideland was rough stuff. She was transfixed. She was disgusted. She was in pain. Tom couldn't bring himself to watch the film. He thinks Ann is 100% right on this one.

- Larry the Perv loves Tom, but he doesn't want to get GOMPed anymore. Tom disobeys his wishes.

- Bob from Burlingame, CA, loves The Simpsons, but 19 seasons is enough. Tom is similarly satiated with the program, comparing its continued existence to a lucrative corporate brand like Coca-Cola. He also thinks it's time for everyone to admit that The Simpsons Movie wasn't that hott. Bob, a self-proclaimed huge Simpsons nerd, says the movie exceeded his low expectation, but still wasn't good.

- Joe from Seattle loves Home Box Office, but he's not into new programs like Tell Me You Love Me, In Treatment, and Sam Adams, a new miniseries about the inventor of ice cream.

- Sonny from JC loves Al Pacino, but he wants a sabbatical from his dyed hair, stupid goatee, and yellin' at Heathuh Graham in subpar films. Tom signals a Home Run call with the scary energy of someone who seems like they would curse, but manages to avoid it.

- Colin from L.A. loves Judd Apatow, but he wants him to ease up on the gas pedal and let things cook a bit more. Tom declines to throw an industry giant under the bus because he wants to avoid a stint on the bread line. He declares his love for Apatow without any reservations.

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood asks Tom to help him decide if he should regret missing "Uncle Floyd" Vivino's recent performance at the Maplewood Library. In short: no. Tom doesn't think Jon's kids would have enjoyed a set of depressing Tin Pan Alley garbage, even if Vivino brought his puppet, "Oogie." He tips his hat to Vivino for having a 45,000-episode run, but he ultimately occupies the middle ground between talentless and really talentless. Tom recommends that Jon either have his kids create their own entertainment or take them to see good attractions. Jon says he was considering the Uncle Floyd show as an opportunity to share a bit of his youth with his kids, but Tom thinks he was being a little tight with the purse strings. He also imagines the horror of people trying to study with old-timey piano and puppet shows clanging around in the background. Jon mentions that the television show generally relied heavily on inside jokes. Tom suspects that the inside jokes have diminished in recent years.

Jon loves MoveOn.org, but the advocacy group is hitting his inbox a little too hard. Tom has the same problem with NewsMax. Jon assumes that MoveOn gave his email address to John Kerry, who continues to send out mass mailings. Tom wants to know what Kerry could possibly want from people in 2008.

- Evan in Providence loves Mike, but the Larry the Perv mentorship is not working out. Tom begins to wonder if Mike is Larry the Perv. In addition to being a master of voices, Mike brings a black office divider every week so Tom cannot see what he is up to when screening calls. Tom asks Evan if he is really Mike. He hangs up without answering.

• Larry the Perv doesn't like John Cougar Mellencamp -- he prefers old-school rock like BÖC and Arrow Smith; attempts to get into the rap have been problematic due to its speed
• "OK, this guy declaring fandom of Blue Oyster Cult is probably worse than the "more cowbell" sketch as far as reputation-ruining goes" - stupornaut on the FOT Chat
• Larry admits an infatuation with Lawree and wants Tom to serve as his matchmakuh
• Tom considers climbing to the roof of WFMU if there's a chance he will get hurt; Larry thinks Tom will be fine if he uses a ladder that is stabily put
• Tom bans Larry for 10 years because the ingrate hung up when Lawree called to talk to him

- Danny from Port Jervis/13th Floor Elevators praises the Lou Reed music break and thinks Tom could write a psychology thesis based on his callers. He says he really loves the show. Tom explains that he lets the good calls play out, but he often has to hang up on the boring ones. He does the latter.

- John from Rock Hill, SC, selects the Swamp Fox, who gave Chuck Cornwallis hell in the Revolutionary War (U.S. = Good Guys, Brits = Baddies), as the pride of his home state. Tom tries to get to the bottom of the John Adams ice cream mystery, but Wikipedia went out of business. Weird! John loves Jack Nicholson, but he thinks it's time for him to shop for a coffin. It's that guy. John, 23, is forgoing alcohol tonight, and he clarifies that he does not live with his parents. Tom adopts the ghoul voice for the first installment of "Coffin Talk." He asks listeners to let him know who needs to start scoping out potential funeral boxes. Tom starts things off by sending Gen. Cornwallis to battle the salesmen at Coffin 'N Doughnuts in Grosvenor Commons. He reminds everyone that there are three requirements for calling during this segment:

1. Located in your bedroom
2. Drinking a cold beer
3. End of a hard day

- Brendan in Oklahoma:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Unknown

Coffin Shopper: None due to confusion about whether Tom was saying "coughin'" or "coffin."

- Michalia in CT:

1. No (Car)
2. Yes
3. Unknown

Coffin Shopper: A vampire. Tom doesn't get it.

- Frank in Weehawken:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Undecided / perusing Coffin.com

- Sean from Toronto:

1. Yes
2. Yes (PBR on the go)
3. Yes (3/4 complete)

Coffin Shopper: Larry the Perv

- Martin in Edison

1. No (Computer Room)
2. No (Room-temp seltzer)
3. No (Unemployed)

Coffin Shopper: All members of Hanson (Zach, Taylor, and the other one) in one supersized container

- Steve in Colonia:

1. Unknown
2. Yes
3. Unknown

Coffin Shopper: President Bush. Tom disapproves.

- Chris in Brooklyn:

1. Yes
2. No (see below)
3. Unknown

Coffin Shopper: His roommate, Joe, who refuses to give him a cold beer in exchange for $1. Tom gets Joe on the phone and gives him two options: hand over a cold beer or go shop for a coffin.

- Prince from the FOT Chat:

1. Yes
2. Yes (Labatt 50)
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Prince (the music guy with the records), Lou Reed, and Moby. Tom adds Prince from the FOT Chat to the shopping excursion.

- Amy from Parts Unknown:

1. Yes
2. Yeah, man
3. No

Coffin Shopper: Hippies, man. Tom tells Amy to go shop for a coffin because she used toilet mouth.

- Nate from St. Paul:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Eminem (oversized coffin due to recent weight gain)

- Paul from Rockaway:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Everybody

- Ed from Stanhope:

1. No (Dark basement)
2. Yes
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Dick Clark

- Terry from Port Jervis:

1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes

Coffin Shopper: Wal-Mart (added her grave-digging ex-husband in a subsequent call)

- Chad from Coffin.com wants Tom to continue the segment because his hits are going through the roof. Tom gets rid of him due to stupidity. He announces that everyone will earn a discount at Chad's website as long as they are drinking a cold beer after a hard day.

- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville:

1. No
2. No
3. No

Coffin Shopper: Dick Cheney. Tom disapproves. He thinks Dave showed him how stupid he was by not being privy to the nature of the segment.

Roundup of additional Coffin Shoppers: Obese Americans, Tom, Vampire Weekend, the "Coffin Talk" segment, overbearing boss, the guy who mentioned Vampire Weekend ("The Strokes with strings"), Det. James McNulty, and the people who sold out the victims of the Bearn Stearns turf-out and the Katrina crisis.

- Jeff Tweedy from Wilco calls to run through his band's catalog. After their alt-country debut, A.M., the they shifted into darker, experimental pop on Being There before finding their synth-pop groove with subsequent releases. Tweedy says his publicist informed him that Tom bashed some of his work on the air. Tom says goodbye to Jeff Tweedy. He thinks a radio teacher would give tonight's show an F.

- Fancy Mike from the Upper West Side wants Tom to bring in Jimmy Crespo for an interview. Tom loses Fancy Mike.

- Victoria from South Carolina calls to get Tom's advice on a relationship dilemma. While she has a boyfriend, she also has a strong desire to have a love-making session with another woman. Tom cannot respond because he is not the host of Loveline. He thinks there are already enough outlets for these kinds of discussions. Tom wants kids to be able to enjoy a double feature of The Best Show paired with Horton Hears a Who!. He's aiming for a soft-G rating.

- Ross in Markham, IL, calls from the middle of a pep rally via an old-timey megaphone. Tom asks him how long Markham has been around. Ross says he recalls the city turning 50 years old in the 1970s and tells Tom to do the math. Tom GOMPs him.

- Susannah calls to say hello to Mike, so Tom tries to do an impression of him. It sounds nothing like him, and Susannah is not fooled.

Tom is ready to get some shelf space at Barnes & Nobles:

Coming Soon: Mike's WFMU lidblower and Tom's nephew's Tell Me You Love Me Season 1 Episode Guide.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom visits The Haight Pit, recounts a sad night at the Meadowlands, and dedicates a song from this album to Ted Leo!

A parting clip for Michael K (see ya in 2013!):

I love classical!!!!!!!!!!!!

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