We Shall Never Surrender.
"They say don't talk too closely. I talk too closely! I do what I want. Best Show time! -- Tom, ignoring his CSB training on microphone proximity in order to Bring It
"Where's my All Things Must Pass? Where's mine? When do I do one? Where's my epic? Where's my titanic effort that stands the test of time. Where?" -- Tom, forgetting about his glorious body of work
"I'm not sure who's changed. Maybe we're meeting in the middle somewhere." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he and Spike ended up on a park bench reminiscing about the Chucky franchise
"He was doin' somethin' gay." -- Nate Hartley, explaining why Drake Bell was unable to appear in Drillbit Taylor
"If I look at my Myspace mood status, quixotic, I think. I'm up to the Q's, still tiltin' at windwills." -- Michael K from The Cynics, checking in from The Pitts by way of La Mancha
"People lookin' at me sideways like I get a piece of the pie. How dare you." -- Tom, scolding his colleagues for not parading him around like Cleopatra for his marathon triumph
"Oh, no, they're the main stuff. That's the main mahkets." -- Marky Ramone, claiming that Columbia, SC, and Raleigh, NC are in the top tier of Southern touring itineraries
"Oh, it's totally clean except for what actually happened." -- Marky Ramone, prefacing his tale of an emergency bathroom stop at a pock on the way back from Toad's Place
"Oh, why didn't I put this in the book, too? There was this one time when we were playing, I think it was in Houston, it was on Acid Eaters tour, and I don't know what was going on, but I kept dropping sticks all night. I must've dropped like seven of 'em." -- Marky Ramone, digging up some dirt for a non-electrifying conclusion to one of the best stories in Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life
"Why can't people keep his name straight? It's a very easy name to remember." -- Tom on the innoxuous Call Screener named Mike
"People want me to be like a butterfly. Whadda they put butterfiles in? Amber? Like I'm supposed to be preserved in December of 2007 forever." -- Tom, letting Juno go
"Hey, everyone, cool out on the Internet." -- Top
touringcomic Todd Barry, calling for some decorum after a flurry of harsh comments from dorm room tough guys
"You don't wanna see 33 bands in one day and not shower?" -- Todd Barry, wondering why Tom has no interest in attending SX
"That would be very exciting. He's very funny." -- Tom, looking forward to Todd Barry's comedic collaboration with Max Weinberg
"If Christ showed up and started talking, you kinda can get the point after two hours of anyone." -- Tom, getting into the whole (relative) brevity thing
"Chappelle's goin' long, tell Nancy to stay there. We'll give her another $6." -- A SF Punchline waitress, working overtime for a marathon set
"Oh, I was gonna do this great cheese joke. Not that I would ever talk about cheese, 'cause I'm a political comic." -- Todd Barry on the perils of burned premises when performing deep into a multi-act bill
"You don't listen to Robert Johnson all day like I do?" -- Todd Barry, questioning a caller who prefers more modern music and comedy
"Not only was it a dirty show, it was like the filthiest show I've seen in a long time. I mean, everything you could possibly think of in terms of sexual acts was mentioned." -- Todd Barry, noting the ribald nature of the recent Julie & Jackie show attended by two little girls
"I live off of plant scraps." -- Swiss Miss, Todd Barry's sole female fan, revealing her source of Spokane sustenance
"Our sleaze is sleazier than their sleaze. They start doin' their sleaze, we out-sleaze them." -- Tom, celebrating another NJ victory over NYC courtesy of a bored skee-ball technician
"Like The Lockhorns on crystal meth?" -- Tom, pondering the domestic tumult of Richard and Julie from Cincinnati
Todd Barry - "Old Navy, Short Shop"
( Click here to buy From Heaven [also available in the Gospel section at f.y.e.])
Jucifer - "Window (Where The Sea Falls Forever)"
( Click here to buy L'autrichienne)
Rocket From The Crypt - "Pigeon Eater"
( Click here to buy RIP)
Small 23 - "Noodles"
( Click here to buy Small (23) stuff)
The Oblivians - "Mary Lou"
( Click here to buy Play 9 Songs With Mr. Quintron)
Birds of Avalon - "The Reeds"
( Click here to buy the Outer Upper Inner EP)
Big Dipper - "Life Inside The Cemetery"
( Click here to buy Supercluster: The Big Dipper Anthology)
Dodos - "Undeclared"
( Click here to buy Visiter)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
"One of the best if not the best. They were like The Beatles, but good looking." -- Tom, touting the merits of ABBA during his tribute to their dearly departed drummer, Ola Brunkert
"Tom: 0, as far as books go. I got beat by Diana Matmos McGreevey." -- Tom, wallowing in his unpublished state
"Mike thought she was exposed as a playa. Great, Mike's got his own show goin' on out there." -- Tom, lamenting Mike's competing commentary on D.M. Hypocrite's alleged participation in three-way love-making sessions
"If I keel over, there's nothing. It's over. Within four days, who was that again? What was that? Oh, yeah, he did a radio show. Yeah, it's ancient history. Put me next to Jean Shepherd or whatever that guy's name is. That snooze who writes the uh ... who wrote uh ... what did he do? Jingle All The Way? He did one of those Christmas movies, I can't remember which one." -- Tom, fearing his fate as a forgotten radio raconteur
"What do you usually hit people over the head with in the dungeon when you need to trap them?" -- Tom, inquiring about Spike's preferred implement for stabilizing his guests
Right: Spike's potion sommelier prepares some "refreshments" for his dungeon dinner party
"I keep him busy with all the bodyguardness and protecting me, standing between me and a loaded gun." -- Nate Hartley on the importance of putative ROY and Set Nanny to the Stars of Tomorrow, Steve in North Weird-o-Wood
"Is this Comics Unleashed? I'm Byron Allen, all of a sudden. Gonna have this guy tellin' me what time it is? You don't tell me what time it is, I tell YOU what time it is." -- Tom, explaining his emphatic GOMP (of the Year?) of a budding comedy nerd
"I don't really care much for the, you know, hoedown, Green Acres whole thing." -- Michael K, putting his East Coast snobbery on the record
"I know this theory is probably outlandish, but I don't think we'd be alive today if Ringo weren't the drummer of The Beatles." -- Brad from Denmark, issuing his eternal gratitude to Sir George Martin for booting Pete Best.
"I know youse were gonna say it's unwieldy. That's what my publisher said also." -- Marky on the title of his new, non-erotic book
The following comedian is NOT one of Todd's 477 Comedy Central Records labelmates:
"Alright, Henry. You can also pack an extra couple pairs of underwear. You could do that as well. You can pack extra underwear. Or buy some even." --Todd Barry, offering an alternative to the extremely DIY practice of washing polyester briefs in the sink of a Knights Inn
Tastemaking blogger Linus takes notes during Todd Barry's "Mess with Texas" set
Todd Barry's NYC Celebrity Sightings:
Samir's Gainesville, Florida Celebrity Sightings:
"For those of you holding tickets for Elton John, bad news. He canceled. Good news, we have Bob Saget." -- Todd Barry, placating patrons of the O'Connell Center
"I might hazard a guess that we would not have liked Bob Hope if we were in the 40s." -- Tom
Opening act for the Todd Barry/Louis CK show on March 29th at the William McNeice Auditorium in Sparta, NJ (just get on 46W):
"Wanna beat up one of our actual students? Whatever you need to do. Wanna kill the principal -- you got it!" -- Todd Barry on Bayonne High School's willingness to accommodate film productions
"I won that one, people. That plane did not crash, and I landed safely. So there, Louis, maybe next time." -- Todd Barry, one-upping his nemesis in yet another round of their
playful real feud
BONUS ROUND Topic: Pay Me
- Jake in SF: Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale or Cancun
- Laurie from Miami (soon-to-be Chapel Hill?) - Leaving her house during Spring Break to fend off jaywalking party trash
- masterofsparks: Pretending to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day
Paul from Staten Island offers Tom an opportunity to see a three-hour Sting show featuring all the big hits performed without traditional rock instrumentation (10-minute snack and bathroom breaks allowed):
- Evan from Providence: Burning Man (one year's salary)
- Richard from Cincinnati: Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (a couple thousand)
- Tom: Handcuffed to Julie from Cincinnati for five minutes ($48,000)
- Supercaller Erika: Driving across the country
- Isaac from Hoboken:
View Never Back Down(stricken based on Tom's five-star review)
- Kevin from Detroit: Attend an Insane Clown Posse show (Tom would
require $45,000 for a front row Faygo showergo for free to organize a police blockade and arrest all ticketholders on general principles)
On the Next ... Best Show on WFMU: The God of Thunder previews his upcoming scene report for Pizza Aficionado, Tom and Spike bond over their love for Kilometer Davis's The Complete On the Corner Sessions box set, and Bucky Dent calls to beat out some stories for The Bronx is Burning: 1978 (aka Yaz: The Last Man) eight-issue comic book for Vertigo.
Best Best Show Guest of the Week: The not-icky Todd Barry!
(The video in the second half of the clip got turned into a car wash. Come on, Mishkin79!)
p.s. Tom's IM is gokstlaf99