"I love Boston, I just don't love any of your sports teams. Or your horrible highways." -- Tom, clarifying his Beantown issues following a pledge from Christopher in Attleboro, MA
"Next call talks to a laaady. You're lonely and you want to talk to a laaady. 800-989-9368. Come on, dudes. First chance to talk to a lady without having to run it by your parole officer." -- Tom, sparking interest in male listeners during a scary lull where Hatch feared the Scratchy Record program would outdraw The Best Show
"I will wring every dollar out of everyone listening. You will not pay your rent! You will pay WFMU!" -- Tom, doing some cutthroat budgetary planning on behalf of his listeners
"'Cause your young and your cool. And it's the fact that you offered me coke in the bathroom. That actually was a tipoff." -- Tom, explaining how he knew Hatch lived in Cocaine Heights
"Most radio hosts wither like the leaves in autumn, but Tom Scharpling is an evergreen, bringing it every Tuesday night and draining the competition." -- Omar, Best Show Poet Laundromat, keeping things on target in his pledge comment
"Are you in that Duck Duck Goose League in McCarren Park? -- Tom, asking Hatch if he's on board with Brooklyn's latest recreational craze
"If you didn't pledge then, you know what? You got James'd, sir. You, madame, got James'd." -- Tom, sentencing tightwad listeners to the ultimate mutant attack
"I was feeling pretty iree, yeah, but then I just got mad. Then I started throwin' stuff." - Bryce, lamenting the reggae rage that crushed his lean-to
"Aw, come on, man, what's wrong with you people? Don't you want me to get ripped?" -- Bryce, wondering why listeners are not supporting his pledges-for-crippler campaign
"It already got signed for. Yeah, someone named ... Therese." -- Bryce, informing Tom that his crippler samples are in the building
"Hey, everybody. Call back and get your money back 'cause Tom won't smoke out with me." -- Bryce, urging pledgers to ask for refund due to Tom's refusal to puff
"Oh, Mike. Remember that? Those were the good times, when Super Dave Osbourne's face didn't look like one of the bad guys in I, Robot." -- Tom, reminiscing about the younger, less frightening visage of Mr. Einstein
"I gave blood today, but giving to WFMU is even more rewarding." - Eban from Rhode Island on his Two-for-Tuesday drainage
Dwight Twilley - "Money (That's What I Want)" (ripped from the original 1979 Arista promo 12" courtesy of Power Pop Pop-Pop's estate)
( Click here to visit the official DT website)
The Hex Dispensers - "H.D. Local 23"
( Click here to buy The Hex Dispensers)
The Mountain Goats - "Lovecraft in Brooklyn"
( Click here to buy Heretic Pride)
Dengue Fever - "Woman in the Shoes"
( Click here to buy Venus On Earth)
Nada Surf - "From Now On"
( Click here to buy lucky)
The Would Be's - "Funny Ha Ha"
( Click here to acquire Silly Songs For Cynical People)
Guv'ner - "Motorcycle Man"
( Click here to buy The Hunt)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
... THE DISENFRANCHISED HAVE A HOME NOW! I'M THE HERO OF THE DISENFRANCHISED! And it is time for you to TESTIFY! Hallelujah! A pledge'll do ya! Tom Scharpling, who is officially funnier than Pat Cooper, whines because the phones are not ringing. He paid the cost to be the boss, and now it's his turn to get pizz-aid, Big Money-style. Tom rhetorically asks if the show is over. Alas, he still has 2:50 to help ensure that WFMU remains solvent for the next 12 months of broadcasting. After 50 weeks of fun, The Best Show is ready to engage two weeks of important FUNdraising. WFMU needs financial support from listeners because its ship sails solo sans garish corporate logos draping off its sides like one of Rami Kashou's predictable Grecian dresses. Tom is making pledges even more worthwhile by offering the "We Did It Again" Fun Pack at the $75 level. He believes it is the best premium ever offered by any DJ in the history of the station. I'd probably agree, although Professor Dum Dum's 2006 black metal compilation autographed by Belphegor lead singer Helmuth was pretty amazing. The Fun Pack includes an FOT-designed t-shirt, a KickTheBobo-designed sticker, a gorgeous, Neil Numberman-designed poster, and Frankensteins and Gumdrops, an exclusive EP from professional comedian Patton Oswald. He will smash the master tape immediately following production.
You can also pledge $2,000 to not receive this undesirable swag:
The Week 1 Marathon Players
The Scharpling Rowdies:
4. Associate Producer
Troy Keith Kevin Mike
5. DJ Terre T, aka The Queen of
Saturday Afternoons WFMU
6. Jason S.
8. Lorraine/August (w/ cupcakes)
9. Pat from the Evening Zoo Crew
Prize #1. Jay Reatard - Blood Visions
Winner: Lee from Nashville
"What, no Magma?" -- Matthew in East Orange
Prize #2. Leather Uppers - Bright Lights
Winner: Mahmoud in Chicago
- The Bryce checks in to see how WFMU's little call-in pledge drive is progressing. Tom describes him as the Grateful Dead fan, but Bryce finds that far too limiting. He believes he's much more than just a Dead Head. Bryce lost his stoner vibe (i.e., his true "inner being") last May when he emerged from a colossal, decade-long fog and checked into the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. In addition to loading his bong with ample quantities of God's green, Bryce's substance abuse entered a new realm after Werner and Rutager took him on a "ski trip" that ended in a legendary binge on funnel cakes at the Newbridge Colonial Days street festival. While at Newbridge Acres, an Austrian night nurse named Wilhelm introduced Bryce -- and most of Newbridge -- to a sleep-inducing lip balm called Blue. Bryce was back to his usual self by the time he called last October to announce his Party Party candidacy for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial race. He reveals the means by which he regained normalcy: weed. Tom is not surprised.
Bryce guesses that WFMU has raised $7 in its nearly two days of fundraising. Tom says it's a higher tally, so Bryce ups his guess to $9. Tom reveals that the station has crossed the triple-digit barrier. Bryce thinks that's righteous and recommends celebrating by cueing up something from Peter Tosh's Bush Doctor album. Bryce is shocked to hear that Tom is not a big Tosh fan. He's willing to settle for some other reggae tunes, such as a track from Lucky Dude. Tom is not familiar with the artist. Bryce tells Tom to Google him right now. While Tom completes the search, Bryce informs him that last night he knocked over his lean-to behind the old Lady Foot Locker. He wants Tom to guess why he destroyed his residence. Tom correctly assumes it was related to the quest to get high. In this case, Bryce says he went into the "reggae rage" because he was unable to get high. Tom didn't think that reggae music was known to make people aggressive.
Bryce says he was listening to the music on his hutPod when he started slamming about because couldn't achieve flight. He was feeling pretty iree, but then he got mad and started throwing stuff, crushing his lean-to in the process. Bryce thinks someone should release an album titled Reggae Rage. Tom doesn't think this would be wise because the historical appeal of reggae is not about getting worked up and angry. Bryce bets that if wrestler Randall Savage ever did a reggae album, he would call it Reggae Rage. Tom knows Savage by his longtime ring moniker of "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Bryce explains that Savage has taken it up a notch in the class department. In addition to the more mature first name, Savage now wears a cummerbund around his regular tights. He completes his new ensemble with a tuxedo t-shirt, which Bryce wears daily. Tom agrees that the sash and faux formal wear is pretty classy attire.
Bryce says he's willing to attract extra pledge money by matching donations with hits of his potent weed. He wants to start doing this right now, but Tom isn't sure that encouraging drug use is responsible radio. Since no phone lines are lit up, he's willing to try it. Bryce thinks people will call when they hear about his chosen implement: a drum/space bong featuring a little drum and wind chimes. Tom says that Bryce can take his first hit when three phones ring. Bryce says he needs a half-hit to get ready, but Tom wants him to hold off. He doesn't think anybody is interested in this initiative. Bryce wonders what is wrong with people who don't want to see him get ripped live on the air. He starts packing the crippler as the second line illuminates and takes an epic hit after the third call comes in. He squeals in delight. Bryce is flying now, so he wants Tom to cue up something from Dick's Pick Volume 3. However, he's too ripped to recall the track listing on that bootleg. Bryce suggests that call screener Troy might know. Tom says he will see if Mike can retrieve it from the library when he finishes logging a pledge.
In the meantime, Bryce is ready to do more crippler hits. He urges people to call because he can still remember his name. Bryce is very pleased with this crippler crop, which he bought from Werner before he left town. Bryce says he sent samples to Tom in the mail c/o the station and to his home address. He's certain that Tom will love it, but Tom informs him that he doesn't smoke pot. Bryce rejoices at the third pledge coming through, cackling like Philly Boy Roy en route to his second charitable hit. While in mid-puff he has to stop to repair a busted carb. Bryce admits that the carb action is not so happening because he threw the bong during his first reggae rage of the week. He usually has eight per week. Bryce says he can't wait for Tom to try this stuff, but Tom reminds him that he will not partake. Bryce thinks he will because it's coming to his house and the station. Tom says he will refuse delivery, and he hopes Bryce is arrested for sending illegal drugs through the USPS. Bryce says it's too late: Therese already signed for the package. Tom confirms that Therese signed for the primo crippler sent to WFMU. (Therese later apologizes for this in her pledge comment.) Bryce says he'll see both of them in The Hut. Tom tells Bryce that he will not be going to The Hut over this shipment.
Bryce suspects that his five-minute appearance has pushed WFMU from a measly $7 to past their two-week goal of $1 million. Tom tells him that they have not done that well. Bryce is surprised because he's a star at smoking crippler. He giggles and takes another hit. Bryce bids Tom later days and asks him to smoke up/out for him. Tom refuses to smoke pot in any direction, and Bryce thinks his stubborn stance stinks. He directly addresses the listeners in a plea for them to call back for pledge refunds. Bryce is confident that will obey his order because he's like a God to them. He amends his statement by scratching the word "like." Tom thinks he's less like a deity and more just a delusional man. Bryce asks Tom and call screener Kenny to refer to him as a God. Mike says that Bryce is far from a God to the listeners. Bryce wants Tom to put Troy on the microphone so he can discuss their difference of opinion. Tom says he's busy working the phones. Bryce suspects that he's afraid of him because he's a more skilled smoker. He thinks he can smoke better than all
3 10 people manning the phones. Bryce claims he already sent weed to everyone in the phone bank. Tom doesn't believe it because Bryce doesn't know their names.
Bryce laughs and becomes disorientated. He appears to not remember calling a radio station, and he believes that voices entered his head. Tom tells him that he's hearing his voice. Bryce is still confused. He says the crippler is making him feel really weird, and he doesn't like it. Despite taking seven hits during the call, the crippler wears off. Bryce's voice shifts to a more angry tone, and he threatens Tom via "Positive Vibration" by Bob Marley & the Wailers: "Rastaman vibration yeah! Positive/Gonna kill someone now!" Tom cannot understand how a pot-smoking reggae fan could be so violent.
Prize #3. The New Pornographers: Challengers
Winner: Bryce in Denton, TX
Prize #4. Madlib - Beat Konducta Vol. 3-4: Beat Konducta in India
Winner: Mac from Austin, TX
"No! We don't do that! I don't got Poppin' Fresh down here!" -- Tom, rejecting creepy corporate synergy from the likes of Pillsbury
Prize #5. Ted Leo + Rx - Living with the Living
Winner: Tristan from Weird-O-Wood
Prize #6. P. Jeans - Hope for Men
Winner: Dan from Oak Park, IL
Listeners (Temporarily?) Redeemed by Pledging:
1. Julie from Cincinnati (rambunctious rookie)
2. Abraham from Cambridge, MA (Richard Kind enthusiast)
3. Jesse Thorn (latte-sipping, Volvo-driving podcast magnate)
4. Paul from Nashville (extremely wealthy law student)
Jeremy from Poughkeepsie (will require additional good deeds)
6. Brian from Chicago (GOMPed for refusing to wash his bath towels)
"What is this, a Bell Biv DeVoe song? Flip it up, turn it around?" -- Tom, mistaking Hatch's instructions to reposition the microphone for lyrics to an early-1990s R&B jam
Tom's NBA Finals Picks
Prize #7. Thurston Moore - Trees Outside The Academy (autographed)
Prize #8. Gonerfest 2 CD/DVD combo
Winner: Christopher in Windsor Terrace
Winner: Karen in Williamsburg
Hate on Ice
"Andrew, if you wanna call back and let us know if you're a Grand Wizard, or if you're just a White Knight, let us know." -- Tom, taking Georgia to task for their racist ways
FOT in Valdosta, GA, don their regalia in honor of the WFMU Marathon
"Jersey Makes, New York Takes!" (6 repetitions)
"800. (Fight!) 989. (Fight!) 9368. (Fight!)" (11 repetitions)
"Mike!" (31 repetitions)
"Jake!" (14 repetitions)
"Andy in New York!" (6 repetitions)
"Hatch!" (x2) (9 repetitions / 7 repetititons)
"Mouse!" (multiple renditions of varying duration)
"Slobs vs. Snobs!" (7 repetitions)
"I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a 'baller. I wish I had a phone with a battery so I could be a Supercaller." -- Gia from Brooklyn
Number of pledgers trapped in the ABBA Box: 1 (Daniel from Nazareth, PA)
Number of people referred to as a douche by pledgers: 2 (James, Purple Shirt)
Number of pledgers honoring Super Dave Osbourne's original face: 1 (AP Mike)
Number of tambourine solos dedicated to Tom: 1 (Bonnie from praise rockers On Purpose)
Prize #9. Demon's Claws - Satan's Little Pet Pig
Prize #10. Mary Weiss - Dangerous Game
Winner: Forrest in Manhattan
Winner: Scott in Knoxville, TN
Grand Prize. Comedy Fun Pack ft. Oswald, Hannemann, and Tompkins.
Winner: Shane from Rutherford
On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Ted Leo (Arm Wrestling for Pledges!). Gibb Benson (Hooters/GG Allin covers for Pledges!). Patton Oswald (Will Convert Failure Piles and Sadness Bowls into Pledges!). Hot Rockin' Romney (TBD).
You called. You pledged. You were counted.
One more round to go. 800-989-9368. Don't get James'd again.