Recidivism.

Posted by Omar at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

In a special way.

Posted by x amount at 1:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Dr Pepper for the ears"

Posted by DOP at 3:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

To the muxtape crew.

Posted by DOP at 3:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

"They say don't talk too closely. I talk too closely! I do what I want. Best Show time! -- Tom, ignoring his CSB training on microphone proximity in order to Bring It

"Where's my All Things Must Pass? Where's mine? When do I do one? Where's my epic? Where's my titanic effort that stands the test of time. Where?" -- Tom, forgetting about his glorious body of work

"I'm not sure who's changed. Maybe we're meeting in the middle somewhere." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he and Spike ended up on a park bench reminiscing about the Chucky franchise

"He was doin' somethin' gay." -- Nate Hartley, explaining why Drake Bell was unable to appear in Drillbit Taylor

"If I look at my Myspace mood status, quixotic, I think. I'm up to the Q's, still tiltin' at windwills." -- Michael K from The Cynics, checking in from The Pitts by way of La Mancha

"People lookin' at me sideways like I get a piece of the pie. How dare you." -- Tom, scolding his colleagues for not parading him around like Cleopatra for his marathon triumph

"Oh, no, they're the main stuff. That's the main mahkets." -- Marky Ramone, claiming that Columbia, SC, and Raleigh, NC are in the top tier of Southern touring itineraries

"Oh, it's totally clean except for what actually happened." -- Marky Ramone, prefacing his tale of an emergency bathroom stop at a pock on the way back from Toad's Place

"Oh, why didn't I put this in the book, too? There was this one time when we were playing, I think it was in Houston, it was on Acid Eaters tour, and I don't know what was going on, but I kept dropping sticks all night. I must've dropped like seven of 'em." -- Marky Ramone, digging up some dirt for a non-electrifying conclusion to one of the best stories in Hey Ho Let's A Drummer's Life

"Why can't people keep his name straight? It's a very easy name to remember." -- Tom on the innoxuous Call Screener named Mike

"People want me to be like a butterfly. Whadda they put butterfiles in? Amber? Like I'm supposed to be preserved in December of 2007 forever." -- Tom, letting Juno go

"Hey, everyone, cool out on the Internet." -- Top touring comic Todd Barry, calling for some decorum after a flurry of harsh comments from dorm room tough guys

"You don't wanna see 33 bands in one day and not shower?" -- Todd Barry, wondering why Tom has no interest in attending SX

"That would be very exciting. He's very funny." -- Tom, looking forward to Todd Barry's comedic collaboration with Max Weinberg

"If Christ showed up and started talking, you kinda can get the point after two hours of anyone." -- Tom, getting into the whole (relative) brevity thing

"Chappelle's goin' long, tell Nancy to stay there. We'll give her another $6." -- A SF Punchline waitress, working overtime for a marathon set

"Oh, I was gonna do this great cheese joke. Not that I would ever talk about cheese, 'cause I'm a political comic." -- Todd Barry on the perils of burned premises when performing deep into a multi-act bill

"You don't listen to Robert Johnson all day like I do?" -- Todd Barry, questioning a caller who prefers more modern music and comedy

"Not only was it a dirty show, it was like the filthiest show I've seen in a long time. I mean, everything you could possibly think of in terms of sexual acts was mentioned." -- Todd Barry, noting the ribald nature of the recent Julie & Jackie show attended by two little girls

"I live off of plant scraps." -- Swiss Miss, Todd Barry's sole female fan, revealing her source of Spokane sustenance

"Our sleaze is sleazier than their sleaze. They start doin' their sleaze, we out-sleaze them." -- Tom, celebrating another NJ victory over NYC courtesy of a bored skee-ball technician

"Like The Lockhorns on crystal meth?" -- Tom, pondering the domestic tumult of Richard and Julie from Cincinnati

[TBSOWFMU - 3/18/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Todd Barry - "Old Navy, Short Shop"

( Click here to buy From Heaven [also available in the Gospel section at f.y.e.])

Jucifer - "Window (Where The Sea Falls Forever)"

( Click here to buy L'autrichienne)

Rocket From The Crypt - "Pigeon Eater"

( Click here to buy RIP)

Small 23 - "Noodles"

( Click here to buy Small (23) stuff)

The Oblivians - "Mary Lou"

( Click here to buy Play 9 Songs With Mr. Quintron)

Birds of Avalon - "The Reeds"

( Click here to buy the Outer Upper Inner EP)

Big Dipper - "Life Inside The Cemetery"

( Click here to buy Supercluster: The Big Dipper Anthology)

Dodos - "Undeclared"

( Click here to buy Visiter)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

"One of the best if not the best. They were like The Beatles, but good looking." -- Tom, touting the merits of ABBA during his tribute to their dearly departed drummer, Ola Brunkert

"Tom: 0, as far as books go. I got beat by Diana Matmos McGreevey." -- Tom, wallowing in his unpublished state

"Mike thought she was exposed as a playa. Great, Mike's got his own show goin' on out there." -- Tom, lamenting Mike's competing commentary on D.M. Hypocrite's alleged participation in three-way love-making sessions

"If I keel over, there's nothing. It's over. Within four days, who was that again? What was that? Oh, yeah, he did a radio show. Yeah, it's ancient history. Put me next to Jean Shepherd or whatever that guy's name is. That snooze who writes the uh ... who wrote uh ... what did he do? Jingle All The Way? He did one of those Christmas movies, I can't remember which one." -- Tom, fearing his fate as a forgotten radio raconteur

"What do you usually hit people over the head with in the dungeon when you need to trap them?" -- Tom, inquiring about Spike's preferred implement for stabilizing his guests

Right: Spike's potion sommelier prepares some "refreshments" for his dungeon dinner party

"I keep him busy with all the bodyguardness and protecting me, standing between me and a loaded gun." -- Nate Hartley on the importance of putative ROY and Set Nanny to the Stars of Tomorrow, Steve in North Weird-o-Wood

"Is this Comics Unleashed? I'm Byron Allen, all of a sudden. Gonna have this guy tellin' me what time it is? You don't tell me what time it is, I tell YOU what time it is." -- Tom, explaining his emphatic GOMP (of the Year?) of a budding comedy nerd

"I don't really care much for the, you know, hoedown, Green Acres whole thing." -- Michael K, putting his East Coast snobbery on the record

"I know this theory is probably outlandish, but I don't think we'd be alive today if Ringo weren't the drummer of The Beatles." -- Brad from Denmark, issuing his eternal gratitude to Sir George Martin for booting Pete Best.

"I know youse were gonna say it's unwieldy. That's what my publisher said also." -- Marky on the title of his new, non-erotic book

©AaronC/John Holmstrom

The following comedian is NOT one of Todd's 477 Comedy Central Records labelmates:

"Alright, Henry. You can also pack an extra couple pairs of underwear. You could do that as well. You can pack extra underwear. Or buy some even." --Todd Barry, offering an alternative to the extremely DIY practice of washing polyester briefs in the sink of a Knights Inn

Tastemaking blogger Linus takes notes during Todd Barry's "Mess with Texas" set

Todd Barry's NYC Celebrity Sightings:

Samir's Gainesville, Florida Celebrity Sightings:

"For those of you holding tickets for Elton John, bad news. He canceled. Good news, we have Bob Saget." -- Todd Barry, placating patrons of the O'Connell Center

"I might hazard a guess that we would not have liked Bob Hope if we were in the 40s." -- Tom

For Dorvid:

Opening act for the Todd Barry/Louis CK show on March 29th at the William McNeice Auditorium in Sparta, NJ (just get on 46W):

"Wanna beat up one of our actual students? Whatever you need to do. Wanna kill the principal -- you got it!" -- Todd Barry on Bayonne High School's willingness to accommodate film productions

"I won that one, people. That plane did not crash, and I landed safely. So there, Louis, maybe next time." -- Todd Barry, one-upping his nemesis in yet another round of their playful real feud

BONUS ROUND Topic: Pay Me

• Jake in SF: Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale or Cancun
• Laurie from Miami (soon-to-be Chapel Hill?) - Leaving her house during Spring Break to fend off jaywalking party trash
• masterofsparks: Pretending to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day

Paul from Staten Island offers Tom an opportunity to see a three-hour Sting show featuring all the big hits performed without traditional rock instrumentation (10-minute snack and bathroom breaks allowed):

• Evan from Providence: Burning Man (one year's salary)
• Richard from Cincinnati: Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (a couple thousand)
• Tom: Handcuffed to Julie from Cincinnati for five minutes ($48,000)
• Supercaller Erika: Driving across the country
• Isaac from Hoboken: View Never Back Down (stricken based on Tom's five-star review)
• Kevin from Detroit: Attend an Insane Clown Posse show (Tom would require $45,000 for a front row Faygo shower go for free to organize a police blockade and arrest all ticketholders on general principles)

On the Next ... Best Show on WFMU: The God of Thunder previews his upcoming scene report for Pizza Aficionado, Tom and Spike bond over their love for Kilometer Davis's The Complete On the Corner Sessions box set, and Bucky Dent calls to beat out some stories for The Bronx is Burning: 1978 (aka Yaz: The Last Man) eight-issue comic book for Vertigo.

Best Best Show Guest of the Week: The not-icky Todd Barry!

(The video in the second half of the clip got turned into a car wash. Come on, Mishkin79!)

p.s. Tom's IM is gokstlaf99

Posted by Omar at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

Keep your eyelids open wide!

Posted by x amount at 10:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

You can't be serious.

Posted by x amount at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

RIP HARP

Posted by Omar at 7:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

"He's like Adam Sandler a little bit, but not as good." -- Tom, refreshing Spike's memory on elderly comedian and white-hott film star Andy Milonakis

"You like World War II? What side were you on? You know what side I was on? Allies." -- Tom, joining the Good Guys in the global fight against the Bad Guys

"Well, it's kinda the same thing -- buncha jerks livin' all together. Yeh. Stinkin' up the place." -- Philly Boy Roy, refusing to distinguish between New York and New Jersey

"The Vet, you dunce. Philadummy. You're still a Philadummy after all these years." -- Philly Boy Roy, marveling at Tom's continued lack of knowledge about his beloved city

"I like vodka because it looks like wutter." -- Philly Boy Roy, finding a clear liquid he can enjoy without being readily detected

"No, it's when you don't got no money to pay for that stuff. For love sessions." -- PBR, explaining his impending Chapter 8 bankruptcy filing due to excessive credit card expenditures at Dockside Dolls

"I haven't procured a copy, but I will." -- Philly Boy Roy, suggesting a non-traditional acquisition of the buzzworthy new CD by The Hooters

"Shut up. I'll Shyamalan all over your face ... and your groin." -- Philly Boy Roy, threatening violence via the less-talented filmmaking brother

"How?! He takes just a normal phone call and weaves it into magic!" -- Kamal, contemplating the envious skills of his more-talented phone prank partner

"Guy's like vanilla ice cream laying out in the sun. Billy Crystal, he's like 5' 4" of vanilla ice cream." -- Tom, denouncing the soft-serve, one-day Yankee

"So it was like Adam-12 with cursing?" Tom, asking Mike to compare The Wire to other cop shows

"Does he look orange when you watch that show? I think they use like weird filters. His face looks orange every time I go past that show." -- Mike the Associate Producer, trying to figure out David Caruso's odd hue on CSI:Miami

"If Ratatouille taught us anything, it's that the average rat will eat anything." -- Tom on the unsophisticated pallets of movie theater rats

"The place you stayed, were people hiding suitcases full of money in the heating ducts. Was there a guy walking around with a cow killer?" -- Tom, determining whether John Junk's accomodations started with an "H" or an "M"

"You're gonna have to pretend to be ya brotha!" -- Tom as late-period Sir Anthony Hopkins, informing Chris Rock that he's about to go undercova in the Joel Schumacher classic, Bad Company

"You know what, I think it's time for Eric Idle to go shop for a coffin." Tom, adopting the persona of a ghoul from Charleston

"Think about the cats, people. Think about the cats!" -- Tom, asking listeners to avoid political commentary when LOLcatting

"Whaddya say to those people out there who say that your show might be a little lame, your comedy bits are, I don't know, old hat, your listeners are stupid, and that you in particular alternate between being an insufferable bore and an insipid loudmouth bully?" -- Linus, asking Tom to respond to some very harsh criticisms he found online

"Oh my god, that's so unintentionally hilarious." -- Linus, taking delight in the absurdity of the ancient cars and stupid wall phones depicted in The Karate Kid

"Well, we don't give ourselves 10s. I gave us a 9.8" -- Linus, defending his journalistic integrity when reviewing his own band

"But I'm Linus, and I write for Shovel.com." -- Linus, crying/laughing over Tom's criticism of an unwieldy sentence in a Black Kids review

"He left Earth pretty much. You're gonna leave Earth, too." -- Linus, marking Tom for a stint in a monastery or a barging

[TBSOWFMU - 3/11/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Death Cab For Cutie - "Pictures In An Exhibition"

( Click here to buy Something About Airplanes)

Why? - "Fatalist Palmistry"

( Click here to buy Alopecia)

The Long Blondes - "Here Comes The Serious Bit"

( Click here to pre-order "couples")

New Bomb Turks - "Youngblood" (Thee Headcoats cover)

( Click here to buy Pissing Out the Poison: Singles and Other Swill)

Shudder To Think - "Pebbles"

( Click here to buy Get Your Goat)

Versus - "Bright Light"

( Click here to buy Dead Leaves)

White Hinterland - "Lindberghs + Metal Birds"

( Click here to buy Phylactery Factory)

The Feelies - "What Goes On" (The Velvet Underground cover)

( Click here to buy Only Life)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Guess what? The Best Show is back! 800-989-9368! Pledge! Tom tells Mike to put away the pledge cards because the two-week WFMU Marathon is ova. He's not sure he can do the show tonight, but he's excited to be here despite exhaustion from his championship performance. Tom held down nine hours of radio hosting last week and capped it all off by channeling James Morrison for a rousing rendition of "L.A. Woman" at the Hoof & Mouth Sinfonia finale at Maxwell's. He's not about to stop now because the buzzards are buzzing for more top-of-the-line radio. Tom jumps right back into the abyss of open phones.

- Spike cuts through the post-marathon afterglow by cackling like The Joker or some other mustache-twirling villain that will haunt FOT dreamscapes for weeks to come. He also shows unprecedented vocal range in a span of 10 seconds by downshifting to a whisper. Tom suspects that his doctor altered his prescriptions, but Spike says he doesn't do any drugs. He attributes his disturbingly chipper demeanor to the completion of a project. Tom thinks he finally got his ankle bracelet removed, but it was a different project. Spike's parole officer granted him access to a computer as a reward for good behavior, so he fired up Windows Moviemaker to produce a music-based DVD for a retiring co-worker at his "real job." Tom doesn't think this is really Spike because he's way too upbeat compared to his usual Droopy Zippermouth stylee. Spike claims that he's always upbeat and cackles again. Tom wonders if that is how it's going to be from now on. Spike says it is.

Tom wants to get an answer to the $94,000 question: did Spike pledge? Spike says he pledged on the first Monday of the marathon. (Will the Neil Numberman poster end up framed on a wall in the dungeon?) Tom gives him kudos for doing the right thing. Spike says he only pledges to keep good quality programming on the air. Tom reminds him that Lynn Samuels is not on the WFMU schedule, doo-wop is not heavily rotated, and the station generally avoids anything related to the Child's Play film franchise. (Michael Shelley did give a rave review to Seed of Chucky after seeing an advance screening in September 2004. He argued -- unconvincingly! -- that Don Mancini is a "misunderstood auteur", citing an essay in Cahiers du cinéma that I'm pretty sure he made up.) He informs Spike that there is talk of rebooting the horror franchise, and Spike thinks that would be lovely because he likes mindless violence committed by a demonic doll. However, Tom gives him some bad news: Chucky will now be voiced by portly man-child Andy Milonakis. Spike is familiar with the name. Tom says he's a comedian like Adam Sandler, but not as good. Spike recalls seeing the chubby little kid, who is actually 47 years old, on his MTV show. Tom points out that while Milonakis would be marginally talented for an 11-year-old, he's wildly talentless for someone closing in on the half-century mark. Spike confirms that he has no talent. Spike and Tom finally come to some common ground! Milonakis does not bring it!

Tom doesn't understand why Weird-O-Wood always ruins great movies with ill-advised casting decisions in misguided remakes. Spike says that is why he rarely goes to the theater anymore. (Another reason: his parole officer won't allow it.) Tom longs for the good old days of the film industry. Spike also desires a return to Jason chopping up horny teens with a machete. Tom was thinking more along the lines of historical epics like Gone with the Wind, although he hasn't actually seen that film. Spike hates it and doesn't think Tom is missing much. In a nutshell, the Civil War happens. Tom wants to know what eventually departs with the wind. Spike says it's Tara. Tom doesn't know who that is. Spike says it's the name of a slave plantation, and Tom wonders if it's like Monster House: The House That Eats. He asks Spike if Gone with the Wind is some kind of World War II picture. Spike wishes it was because while he doesn't do the Civil War, he can deal with WW2 movies. Tom says he aligned himself with the Allied forces in that military conflict. Spike wasn't born yet, but he also supported the Good Guys. Spike is a mature adult seven years from being old, but Tom thinks he's an ageless wonder. Spike thanks him for the compliment. Tom is spooked by the cordial nature of this call. Spike begins multitasking by making some grape juice.

Spike says his co-worker shares his affinity for old-timey music, so the DVD includes classic clips of doo-wop, Motown, girl groups, and surf from faves like The Orioles, Destiny's Child, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Temptations, The Marvelettes, The Ronettes, and The Shangri-Las. Tom decides it's time to move, so he bids Good Guy Spike farewell by saying that we love him. He wants to go back to the previous, less-friendly version of Spike.

- A caller starts heartily laughing so Tom thinks it might be Spike again. The caller says he used to have a dungeon, but it's not Spike. It's Philly Boy Roy. He's amused because Tom's Senator Eliot Spritzer screwed up by engaging in illicit love-making sessions with a young lady in waiting at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. Tom informs him that he is actually the Governor of New York. PBR disagrees, but he doesn't really distinguish between New York and New Jersey anyway. He thinks it's all just a bunch of jerks living together and stinking things up. Tom says the two states are different entities. PBR says they sort of are the same, and he wants to know if Tom is totally embarassed by Spritzer's downfall. Tom is mortified for Spritzer, but PBR thinks Tom should be mortified for his home state as well. Tom repeats that New York is not his home state. PBR repeats that it sort of is. Tom compares this dubious claim to saying that PBR's home state is sort of Delaware.

PBR becomes angry and promises to smash Tom in the face with his bat if he ever says that again. He wants Tom to guess where he got the weapon. Tom assumes it has something to do with the Phillies, but he's losing his edge because he guesses that PBR got it at a spring training game. PBR calls him a dunce because he got it at The Vet during a regular season contest. He can't believe that Tom is still a Philadummy after hearing so much information about the city and its culture over the years. Tom says he got the impression that PBR recently acquired the bat. PBR stole it when he was 10 years old even though they were going to give it to him as part of a Bat Day promotion. He was compelled to steal it because he snuck into the game and had to keep it rolling. Tom wants to know what "it" is. PBR says it's the thievery roll his dad, Philly Man Stan, taught him.

He also recently learned that you need a better code name then Spritzer's "Client #9." Tom says it's Spitzer, but PBR insists it's Spritzer like a lime spritzer. PBR has never tasted that beverage because he don't like nothing that don't got no alcohol in it. He and the rest of the Ziegler clan are notoriously anti-wutter, but PBR does like vodka because it looks like wutter. Tom laughs at PBR's pronunciation and suspects others may find similar amusement in his. PBR agrees because Tom has failed to say it correctly. PBR doesn't know why Tom is still laughing at him. He starts polishing sanding the bat to increase the sting upon impact and leave more marks on Tom's face. Tom thanks PBR for considering the extent of the pain and damage he plans to inflict.

Tom remembers that since PBR entered the race for Mayor of Newbridge he has less of an aversion to coming to town to attack him. (When PBR visited the studio last June he had to wear a gas mask to protect him from the toxic fumes in the Stink City air.) PBR says he's been frequenting a Newbridge nightclub called Dockside Dolls. Tom assumes it's a strip club, but PBR prefers to think of it as a gentlemen's establishment. It does feature women in various states of undress, and a performer named Sheila has become a big PBR fan, referring to him as her "main loveboy." Tom suspects that Sheila is particularly enamored with his big spending. PBR says he obtained a credit card three days ago during a giveaway at UPENN. Tom points out that they just don't give away credit cards. PBR, who is doing janitorial work at the university, posed as a student to acquire the card. He asks Tom not to judge his employment. PBR's usual financial and legal adviser, Roy, Jr., helped him fill out the application. Tom questions PBR's decision to apply using his own name. He has already racked up $8,000 in charges against an initial credit line of only $2,000, which has not been extended. Tom informs him that he will have to pay his balance, but PBR calls him a dunce for not knowing about Chapter 8. Tom tells him that it's not a valid section of the U.S. Bankruptcy Code. PBR says it's when you don't got no money to pay for love sessions. Tom is disgusted by the notion of accruing debts via Dockside dalliances.

PBR doesn't believe that Tom has never paid for a love session. Tom finds it hypocritical for PBR to judge Spritzer's session work when he's dropping $8,000 at Dockside Dolls. PBR doesn't have a problem with it. Tom says he judges the actions of both Spritzer and PBR. PBR says Tom is not permitted to judge him. However, he will freely judge Tom because he sounds like he weighs 700 pounds and wears gym shorts. PBR admits that he shouldn't talk because he's also wearing gym shorts. Tom says PBR's assessment of his weight and wardrobe is inaccurate. Tom is also not wearing tube socks that reach to his knees. PBR wants Tom to guess the colors of the stripes on the socks he's sporting. Tom gets green and white, but misfires badly with red, yellow, and black, confirming his status as a Philadummy. PBR says it's silver, completing the color trio of nem Iggles. PBR wants to know how long Tom has been on Earth. Tom says he doesn't study the secondary color of the team's uniform. PBR wants Tom to put call screener Rick on the phone. Tom says it's Mike, and he's busy in the other room.

PBR tells Tom that The Hooters have a new album that is attracting buzz on various Web forums. PBR has yet to procure a copy, but he's fired up about this eventual procurement. Tom notices that his word choice suggests that he is unlikely to pay for the record. PBR asks Tom to define "pay." He then outlines his procurement strategy:

1. Enter store.
2. Locate said CD.
3. Pick up said CD.
4. Look at said CD.
5. Pry security tag off said CD.
6. Create diversion (set fire to store).
7. Run out of said store with said CD.

PBR asks Tom to keep this a secret so he can also procure other CDs all around town using the same process: enter / pick up / look / pry / set fire / leave. Tom doesn't really see how theft and arson is preferable to paying $14 for a CD. PBR calls Tom a dunce because it only costs $10. He's currently working as a custodial engineer at UPENN, and Tom is glad that he has a formal job to earn money for his family. PBR says it is not a paying position and more like community service that he received as part of a sentencing. He had been on the straight and narrow until he got caught a month ago pawing a dancer named Sheila at Phillies, a gentlemen's establishment on the edge of Upper Roxboro and Manyunk. He was too embarrassed to mention the arrest during his last call. PBR says his victim was not the same Sheila who works at Dockside Dolls, although she had a similar appearance. Tom was not aware that Sheila was such a popular stage name for go-go professionals.

Dockside's Sheila Larson is PBR's favorite, and he believes they are in love with each other. PBR says Larson, who has been romantically linked with most of the male residents of Newbridge, declared her love for him right before he handed over his credit card to complete the final $500 transaction. PBR says the two of them danced very closely as a result. Tom asks him how things are going outside the confines of the club. PBR says they do not see each other. Tom thinks PBR can probably read between the lines. PBR says he cannot do so, which makes sense considering his past struggles with reading on the lines. Sheila told him that she has been too busy recording a CD that he financed. He says it's totally hip-hoppy, but he's not a fan of that music. Sheila calls him R-Daddy. Tom says Sheila is in for a rude awakening when PBR loses access to his credit card. PBR says Tom is in for his own rude awakening when he uses the sanded bat on his head.

PBR claims he is in the studio right now, quickly shifting positions so Tom cannot see him. He says he is now with call screener Rick. Mike tells Tom that PBR is not with him. PBR thinks the scenario sounds like something from an M. Morning Shylaman movie. He tells Tom to shut up for suggesting that Morning is the less talented brother. PBR threatens to Shylaman all over Tom's face and groin. He insists he's standing behind Tom and urges him not to turn around. PBR abruptly hangs up because Officer Harrups is coming for him.

Tom gives thanks to everyone who helped out with the marathon and gets right to what makes The Best Show special: topics. He gives listeners three options:

1. Who should get stuck in the trash compactor from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope?

2. Who should get bounced from a diving board into a pool full of molasses?

3. Who should get pushed onto the world's largest trampoline and launched into outer space?

Tom just saw the poster for the exciting new movie called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He noticed that Harrison Ford looks like he's falling asleep. Tom speculates that Ford is watching a Lions vs. Cowboys game in the Rec Room following Thanksgiving dinner as he waits for someone to wake him up for pie. The bottom line: "This is the poster for your movie! Wake up!" The rest of the imagery fares no better. Cliched chase scene featuring natives? Check. Titular skull? Check. Cate Blanchett is also drowsy, and young Shia LaBeouf looks confused on his motorcycle. Tom doubts this is the best poster they could come up with to generate excitment for the spring tentpole. Tom has had enough of Harrison Ford on the big screen. He's ready to say it's ova because nobody wants to see Ford yelling about people giving stuff (e.g., his family, sandwiches, etc.) back to him in any more movies. The real topic: It's Ova!

- Ruby in Amherst, MA calls from an elaborate toilet paper roll phone system. He apologizes for the poor quality and wants to put Vladimir Putin on the world's largest trampoline. While he doesn't know him personally, Ruby gets the feeling that the exiting Russian President is a dangerous mix of greed and evil. Tom asks him how much he has in his wallet. He has $24 (he's no Gene Simmons!), and Tom says he can get a new phone for $10. Ruby admits to calling via Skype. Tom is shocked to find out that he was using Internet-based telephony. He GOMPs him because this is a professional show. Tom has no time for an amateur hour featuring someone leaning into his laptop microphone.

- A Canadian caller offers a follow-up on The Jerky Boys discussion from a few weeks ago. He says his little brother purchased an autographed picture with an "I, Johnny Brennan, am the least talented man in the world" inscription to send to the station as a gift. The request elicited a refund and an e-mail response:

Hey, Jordan

Funny stuff, man. However, for legal reasons Johnny is not allowed to make off-color remarks about any of his characters or likeness as Jerky Boys Entertainment would let him go. We hope you understand this matter. Say hi to Tom and Mike.

Harry, Jerky Boys Entertainment

Tom thinks they should be sued for putting the word "entertainment" next to "Jerky Boys." He's certain that the entire JBE operation involves an office from The Spanish Prisoner, a cell phone, and a trip to the local library to check a Hotmail account. If only the suits were not holding this up. Tom considers what it must have been like for Kamal to realize that he was the less talented half of the duo. He imagines Kamal experiencing waves of envy while watching Johnny B turn a normal phone call into comedy magic. The caller says his Saskatoon-based brother fears that he will get pranked because he gave out his home address. Tom doubts that Johnny B can afford the roaming charges of a call to Canada. He is looking forward to Jerky Boys 2: This Time It's Personal (Alan Arkin Wants To Buy A New Yacht)

- Jack in Bloomfield calls to discuss the New York Yankees' recent signing of Billy Crystal to a one-day, minor league contract in honor of his 60th birthday. Tom compares it to the novelty of Eddie Gaedel, a 3' 4" man who popped out of a papier-mache cake and eventually played a game for the St. Louis Browns in 1951 as part of one of owner Bill Veeck's legendary publicity stunts.

Tom says he would not go easy on Crystal because when you stop into the box, it's go time. He would play some chin music and then rattle his helmet with a fastball to the forehead. Jack thinks alleged steroid user Roger Clemens would have no problem doing that if he was on the mound. Tom suspects that the ball might go right through Crystla if he was plunked in the back. He compares his soft body to 5" 4" of vanilla ice cream that has been laying out in the sun. While Tom doesn't hope he gets hurt, he acknowledges that injuries are a part of the game. He thinks the legit Yankees will hate having that jerk pacing around the dugout. Tom says half the team will not even know who he is beyond a weirdo they have to pretend to like. Jacks thinks some players may know him from his voicework in Monsters, Inc.. Tom GOMPs Jack for refusing to admit to being a Crystal Superfan.

- Julie from Cincinnati calls to say she wants to donate $1,000,000 to The Best Show, but she doesn't have it. She also wants to launch Dorvid and maybe Jason Grote into space. Tom's not sure how this became the actual topic. Julie thinks it's because he announced it on the air. Tom wants to know what inspired Julie to boot them from the planet because they seem like nice enough guys. Julie says that Dorvid became Enemy #2 when he said something mean to her. Enemy #1 is the person who doofusly agree with him, and Julie wants her voice to become a part of that person's nightmares. Grote's transgression was accusing Julie of lying about having read Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther. Tom has no time for playground squabbles that should be kept on the FOT Board. He only has 180 minutes, so he can't allow the show to be tainted by juvenilia. A bit later in the show, Mike argues with Julie and does not let her back on the air.

- Neil from Maplewood wants to send himself into outer space because it sounds like a nice vacation after the marathon. Tom thinks he may have to stop the show after one hour because it's a flop.

- Steve from North Hollywood calls to further widen the gap in the 2008 Rookie of the Year race. He impressed Tom with his debut call in which he came up with the well-received There Will Be GOMPs slogan. Tom says his voice is still scratchy from the marathon, but Steve says it sounds great to him. Steve paid attention so he knows tonight's official topic is It's Ova! Tom points out that the negative topics were just a tease, and then Ruby derailed everything by calling from his Juno hamburger phone. Steve cracks up at the quip, and Tom tells him it wasn't that funny. Steve wins him back by explaining that it was funny to him. He says he could barely hear Ruby and declares the trampoline space launch topic ova.

Steve says the dull Oscars are also ova. While he was rooting for There Will Be Blood, he thought it was good that it went down to Old Country for Old Men. Steve corrects himself and prepares for a week of mockery at his title gaff. Tom bans it and wants the names of anyone who mocks him. Steve suggests getting addresses, but Tom will just scold them from his radio platform. He will not come after them. Steve will. He says the highlight of the Oscars was Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová's song from Once defeating three gigantic Disney numbers in the Best Original Song category.

Tom's lowpoint was the Academy Honor Award for 98-year-old Robert F. Boyle. Tom blesses the old man for his long career in art direction and production design, but he had never heard of him. He was not impressed by the three-minute clip detailing Boyle work for Hitch, such as scouting an empty flat field for the scene where Cary Grant is chased by a crop duster in North by Northwest and doing early sketches of birds for The Birds. Tom's blood was boiling by the time he ambled out wearing a scarf he bought at a Jon Voigt yard sale. Tom was ready to give him a pass until he delivered a belabored, boring speech. He wanted him to get to the point and keep it short and sweet. Boyle thanked a guy who gave him a shot when he started out at age 16, and Tom thinks this man might have been Abraham Lincoln. Steve thinks he should have thanked the mentor's estate. Steve fell asleep throughout the show, so he instructed his friends to wake up for the awards.

Tom has some ideas for changing the format in 2009 to condense the Oscars telecast. He wants the technical awards to be read from a list and doled out from a cart that is wheeled out on stage. Estimated time: 3 minutes. Tom says that all nominees should get a UPC code on their forehead to project their speech onto a giant screen. Steve approves of the plan because people won't forget anyone or risk getting played off the stage by the orchestra. Steve did it again. The ROY trophy is his to lose. Tom does think he needs to dial down the charm two notches to shed his Eddie Haskell-ish suck-up tendencies. He appreciates that reigning ROY Eddie does not overdo his praise. Tom predicts that Steve will implode sometime in the next nine months and fail to go the distance.

- Supercaller Erika from Baltimore knows something that is ova: Home Box Office's The Wire, which ended it's five-year run this past Sunday night. As of Thanksgiving 2007 Mike had not seen any of the series, but then he went to town to find out if it was indeed the best. show. ever. Erika also watched all of it in the past three months. She thought it was great overall, although she was not as enthused about the somewhat polarizing final season. She felt it was too gimmick-laden and lacked the heart of the previous four seasons. Mike thought The Wire was a "good cop show" along the lines of Barney Miller, Hill Street Blues , The Rookies, The Streets of San Francisco. Tom wonders if it was like Adam-12 with cursing. Mike says it was a little bit like that.

Mike's HBO Rankings

1. Deadwood
2. The Sopranos
3. Rome (Season 1)
4. The Wire

Tom thought Mike was going to put Cathouse ahead of The Wire, but he's not a big fan of the documentary series about Dennis Hof's den of iniquity called the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada. The ladies, wrangled by Madame Suzette (who recently banned me from their message board), have tea parties and good old family fun time. Then the crying starts.

Mike puts John from Cincinnati at the bottom of his list, although he has not seen Arli$$ or the nightly In Treatment sessions. Erika gives it a thumbs down. Mike did not care for the explicit Don't Tell Me You Love Me. I fast-forwarded through one episode and found its eroticism severely lacking. Erika and Mike think HBO is losing it other than miniseries projects like the John Adams and David Simon & Ed Burns's Generation Kill, a cynical take on the Iraq conflict adapted from Evan Wright's book. Tom will be unable to watch it since he's a Proud Patriot. Erika was a big fan of Six Feet Under, but Mike says it wasn't his thing. Mike likes action, which explains why he saw 10,000 BC twice this past weekend. Tom thinks it looks cool stupid and can't imagine enduring the #1 film in the country. Despite a great opening weekend, it still has a ways to go to make back the $200 million production budget. Mike thinks the fake dinosaurs and saber-toothed tigers look like something from a video game.

He agrees with Erika that season 5 of The Wire was the weakest due to the newspaper storyline lacking the intrigue of past institutional examinations. He points out that instead of telling a self-contained story in one episode like most police procedurals, The Wire takes a more novelistic approach by spreading the narrative arcs out over the course of an entire season. The Law & Order and CSI franchises prefer to wrap things up in 44 minutes. Mike asks Tom if he's noticed that David Caruso looks orange on CSI: Miami. Tom does not watch the show, so he asks Mike if Caruso looks like one of Willy Wonka's Oompa-Loompas. Mike thinks they use weird filters to create the orange skin tones. Erika can't weigh in on this issue because she only watches Law & Order: SVU. Mike new favorite show is A&E's 48 Hours The First 48, a reality crime skein that follows homicide detectives in various cities as they search for leads in two murder cases per installment. Tom likes The Dog Whisperer, and he's determined that the dogs are going nuts because they are stuck in the house all day. The bottom line: walk your dog more. While Cesar Millan helps you with your dog, Jo Frost helps you with your kids. Supernanny gives Erika a migraine.

Mike gives The Wire a B+, and he thinks he made an enemy out of Jouster with his criticisms of the show. Tom loves the burgeoning feud. He plans to watch the show in late 2008 and then start arrogantly talking about how much he likes it. Tom expects to discover the true greatness that everyone missed the first time around, not unlike people who claim circa-1999 Led Zeppelin epiphanies.

- Paul from Staten Island calls from his apartment near the Verrazano Bridge, not the LemonTree salon. Tom gives Paul an imaginary $75 to go to any Staten Island restaurant. In this scenario, Paul would dine on the pecan-encrusted catfish at The Bayou Cafe on Bay St. Tom expected him to select one of the borough's 900 Italian eateries, but Paul says they are so commonplace that he would want something different for this special meal. If he wants an ice cream cone, he will, of course, head over to Sedutto's. Paul and Tom reminisce about the decaying Hylan Plaza shopping center (RIP, Toys R Us), although the movie theater is still going strong. It is currently exhibiting Nanny McPhee, One Missed Call, and Scoop. Tom would not be surprised if he was attacked by the undead in this theater. Paul tells a semi-funny story about a friend persuading him to see Freddy vs. Jason at Hylan Plaza. He was horrified to see tons of young kids, including a three-year-old in a stroller in the aisle, watching the film.

Paul thinks it's ova for Frank Miller after awful work like All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. Tom thinks he may not like Miller at all. Paul is re-evaluating his older work based on recent atrocities. Tom notices that Spoony in the FOT Chat mentions a rat jumping on the armrest at the Union Square theater on 14th Street. Tom thinks the rat is likely addicted to junk food, losing its mind from a steady diet of Milk Duds. Tom learned all about the eating habits of the common rat in Ratatouille, one of his Top 3 films of 2007. Remy has an advanced pallet, but the rest of them will eat anything they find.

- Blake calls from the south side of Chicago, so Tom asks him if he's getting ready to eat a pizza topped with cucumbers and sweet pickles. Blake reminds him that those are the city's eccentric condiments for their famous hut dogs. He's not a fan of Chicago-style pizza because it is overloaded with cheese. Blake wants to go off-topic to right a wrong he committed during last week's marathon show. He intended to pledge for himself and his girlfriend, but his donation was only attributed to him. Blake was bitten by hubris, and it landed him in the doghouse. Tom rescues him by thanking Blake and Hannah for their generous offering.

- John JUNK 2.0 calls from California to tell a semi-funny It's Ova story involving the eccentric Madonna Inn in San Luis Guzman. Junk didn't stay in one of their theme rooms, but he was in the area (Pismo Beach) looking for hotels for a nice romantic weekend with his girlfriend. He was willing to step it up for a $90 room. Tom suggests just buying a tent and having an extra $30 left over. He doesn't like the story so far.

Junk says a lady who ran a nice hotel suggested that a nearby Motel 6 would be more suitable for young people without a lot of money. Tom wants to know if their hotel had people hiding suitcases full of money in the heating ducts or a guy roaming the hallways in his socks with a cow killer. Junk took her advice and headed to the Motel 6. After they got settled, they decided to get a drink at the Madonna Inn. Prior to leaving, a scary truck parked next to Junk's car and gave him the shivers. The back window was busted out and shards of glass lined the bed. Tom asks Junk about the bathroom supplies, and Junk confirms that there was only one big towel and one small towel. Tom thinks he's soft for listening to the old-timer behind the counter who sold him on cheaper accommodations. Junk admits that California has made him soft. When he lived in New Jersey, he was known as a free-thinking maverick who would pull the trigger and deal with the consequences.

When Junk returned from the Madonna Inn a SWAT team had surrounded the truck because someone was trying to commit suicide in one of the rooms. Junk and his girlfriend had to move to another Motel 6 three miles away and return the next day to get a refund for their original room. Junk has since decided that the quest for the cheapest hotel available is ova. Tom recommends staying in the boiler room or hotel supply closet theme room at the Madonna Inn. He wants Junk to write a letter to the Motel 6 corporate headquarters to inform them that they ruined a romantic getaway.

- Brian in Columbus, OH, was going to say HBO is ova, but Erika and Mike stole his topical thunder. He picks The Wire as his favorite HBO series. Brian says he'd like hatred of Ohio to be ova. While he may be overly sensitive because he lives there, he felt it was recently rekindled when Hillary Clinton defeated Borat Oblama in the state's primary election. Brian says that Ohio is not the only state voting for bad candidates. Tom points out that Ohio could have changed things in 2004 by not voting for another four years of George Bush. Brian says other states could have swung the election as well, but Ohio was simply the last one. Tom wants him to do door-to-door canvassing or refurbish an ice cream truck with a megaphone to help Ohio clean up their tarnished image this November.

Tom is a fan of the state, which has a lot of good bands and people. Brian says a fun day trip is Cleveland. Tom mentions the exciting opportunity to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to stare at Steve Vai's "Swiss Cheese" guitar. (They also just got Rudolph Schenker's Gibson Flying V used during the Lovedrive tour.) Brian has never been to the museum and has no plans to go. Tom thinks it might be time for someone to stop being such a snob. Tom visits the Statue of Liberty once a month and goes to the top of the Empire State Building every other month to avoid losing touch with all the awesome local monuments. Mike will join him on the next jaunt for a picnic lunch.

- John from Charleston calls in a voice that suggests he's hiding from someone. He says that he's alone in his bedroom drinking beer. John thinks it's ova for Jack Nicholson because it's painful to watch him keep playing the same character in movies. He didn't even bother with The Bucket List. John has an item for the top of Nicholson's Bucket List: "Do some shopping for a coffin." Tom doesn't like the entertain-us-or-die attitude. He thinks it's sick to wish death on someone just because they are no longer acting in good movies. Mike calls John's comment ghoulish, and Tom believes it rises to the level of ghoulesque. Tom starts doing an amazing impression of John from Charleston's call. He believes it's likely that John is living down the hall from his madre and padre. If he's only 17, Tom will send Officer Harrups over to arrest him for underage drinking.

Tom thinks Sir Anthony Hopkins has lost it since The Silence of the Lambs in 1991. He duped everyone into thinking he's amazing and hasn't delivered much since then. Tom was watching Joel Schumacher's Bad Company at work (Consolidated Cardboard's Wednesday "Lunch and a Movie" teambuilding event) and noticed that Hopkins no longer uses an authentic British accent. He does an impression of Sir Hopkins telling Chris Rock that he will have to pretend to be his twin brotha to demonstrate that he now sounds like an American guy who spent some time in England. Tom decides to do the rest of the show in the ghoul voice.

- Abraham calls, and Tom thinks he sounds stupid. He tells Abraham that he's sitting in his bedroom drinking a beer. Tom says it sounds like he should just shop for a coffin.

- Eric from Brooklyn calls, and Tom thinks he sounds like an idiot. Eric is just hanging out, and Tom is sitting in his bedroom drinking a beer. Eric says that Tom sounds like Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Hannibal Lecter Buffalo Bill. He gets things back on topic by declaring that The Rutles are ova. Tom doesn't know what that is, but he thinks it's time for Eric Idle to go shop for a coffin.

- Dan from Jersey City calls to apologize for calling Tom a jerk last week. Tom thinks Dan sounds like a jerk and wants him to shop for a coffin. Tom drops the ghoul voice and goes back to The Rutles. He loves them, but he thinks their continued performances are due to contractual obligations.

- 2007 ROY Eddie calls to say that David Crosby is ova. It's been ova for a long time, but people keep trotting him out in documentaries about the 1960s as someone with valuable insight and wisdom into the era. Eddie estimates that he has spent 40 years in a drug stupor, so he doesn't really fit his idea of a sage. Tom finds it odd that Crosby talks about peace and love while being one of the most violent creeps ever. Eddie did it again. Tom commends him for being a class act and not going all Haskell on him. He thinks Steve from North Hollywood can learn from Eddie.

- Abraham from IL calls back to say the marathon brought him a lot of joy. He also thanks Tom for playing GBV's "Don't Stop Now", which is one of his favorite songs. Tom allows him to use the pronoun "we" in relation to The Best Show because he pledged, but he really doesn't like the way that sounds. Tom mistakes Abraham for the guy who refused to wash his bath towels. He's actually the guy who was talked out of pursuing his dreams by embittered character actor Richard Kind. Abraham says it was more complicated than the way he described it on the show.

He believes LOLcats are ova, but Tom gives it another two weeks. He suspects that Abraham is just echoing something that Richard Kind told him. Abraham does not approve of how the text accompanying the feline imagery has turned political of late. He thinks it makes Obama's supporters and the cats look silly. Tom agrees that the cats should not be used as a political tool because nobody really knows who they are supporting in the election. He urges LOLcat creators to consider the cats before using them to spread campaign rhetoric. Abraham did support Obama in his home state primary. He shifts gears to recommend Be Kind Rewind, Michel Gondry's ode to Passaic, NJ. Tom doesn't like Gondry's stuff. He loves it. Tom makes it clear that Obama is not designing these LOLcats. He GOMPs Abraham because he thinks that Richard Kind is still controlling him.

- Jess in Randolph takes a break from her math homework to find out if anyone has said that Gov. Eliot Spritzer is ova. Tom explains that he was trying to keeps things apolitical in his moment of intense crisis. He wants to show his family respect by not lampooning them on the air. Even though it was revealed that Spitzer has been using the Emperors Club VIP escort services for six years, Tom thinks he can get past it as long as he stays on message. He says it will only be a problem if he is found to have also used a competing escort service. Tom tells Jess that one of the listeners of this show is Client #10. He refuses to reveal the name. My guess: Josh from Miami.

Jess is going to college for a degree in Fine Arts, so Tom wonders if her math homework involves figuring out how much it costs to get into a museum. Tom went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art a couple of weeks ago, and Jess says they are having a good exhibit right now. Tom says he was very impressed with Rocky statue exhibit and asks Jess if there is also art inside the museum. Jess confirms that there is. Tom assumes that there are displays of other memorabilia from the Rocky films. Jess was referring to the Frida Kahlo exhibit, which Tom mistakes for a Fritos snack bar. He's looking forward to seeing the sled Rocky pulled in Rocky IV while eating Fritos.

- John from Charleston calls to apologize for being morose. He blames it on the rainy weather and apologizes to Jack Nicholson. Tom tells John that Nicholson is not listening to the program. He wants him to apologize to the human race for his ill spirit. John says he was just winding down after a long day, but Tom diagnoses his problem as being too soft-serve. He GOMPs the monster/bum for not pledging.

- Linus, the world champion blogger who called last February, checks in to get some quotes from Tom for a story about the WFMU marathon. Linus originally blogged at 18 Rabbits, which is still active, but he has also set up shop at The Fury of Linus.

He tells Tom that he has to put his pipe down before he can check some facts for his piece. Tom is surprised that a 23-year-old smokes a pipe. Linus thinks it's weird that Tom doesn't smoke any pipes because most of his writer friends do. Tom thinks it's a little affected. Linus says it is indeed very effective at livening up the room with a nutty aroma. He asks Tom if The Best Show was the second- or third-highest pledge earner last year. Tom says he's not sure of its place, but the show did well and even better this year. Linus gets Tom's permission to record the interview. He says that the grapevine rumors suggest that The Best Show kicked ass the past two weeks. Tom confirms that he is very happy about the show more than holding its own. Linus wonders if listenership is up for the station as a whole. Tom says the marathon brings out a wide variety of people who support the programming slate, reaffirming what everyone likes about the freeform format.

Linus asks Tom to give a rundown of the major players that stopped by for last week's marathon show. Tom lists Ted Leo, Ben Gibbard, and Patton Oswalt. Linus appears to make an "ew" noise after Tom mentions each person. He blames the sound on a weird breathing problem that has afflicted him since childhood. Linus follows up by asking Tom for a response to people who say The Best Show is lame, Tom's comedy bits are old hat, the listeners are stupid, and Tom alternates between being an insufferable bore and an insipid loudmouth bully. Tom wants to know who is leveling these charges against him and the program. Linus claims he read these criticisms in a few places. He thinks he bookmarked the sites while doing research for his piece earlier today. Linus says some of it was on the music website Shovel.com, and the rest is from a blog that he found. He admits that he wrote the Shovel piece and the blog post. Tom says he put it forth as though somebody else wrote it. Linus says he didn't think Tom would call him on it. He used to like the show, but now he hates it because everybody knows about it. He got off the bus when it became a little bit more popular than it had been the past few years. Linus excuses himself to light up his pipe again. He audibly puffs several times to get it going.

He says Tom used to turn him on to a lot of cool new bands, but now he just yammers and talks. When he does play music, it's always old stuff like Big Dipper and The Reigning Sounds. Tom says that Reigning Sound are a current band, but they are old to Linus. He is willing to listen to some advice on his playlists. Linus wants Tom to tell call screener Greg to go into the WFMU library to grab the EP from Wax On Wax Off, a new band from Greenpoint. Linus points out that their name comes from a cool old movie from the 1980s called The Karate Kid. He thought the film was unintentionally hilarious. He loves to watch old movies to see the hilariously stupid cars people had to drive back then. He recalls one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel San talks on an old wall phone with a curly cord that goes from the receiver to the base. Linus thought it was so stupid looking and calls Daniel an idiot for using it. Tom says he's used that type of phone, which still exists today. Linus thinks that's unintentionally hilarious and feels so sorry for people who lived back then. The state of phone technology in 1984 seems so stupid to him.

Linus admits to never listening to WOWO's music, but that didn't prevent him from reviewing it online. The band's sticker, which is in the shape of a can of car wax, won him over. His girlfriend is their tap dancer, and the presence of that type of percussion has led some people accuse them of ripping off Saddle Creek band Tilly and the Wall. Linus says they totally have their own sound from what he's heard from others.

Another current Linus fave is The Well, Alright! from Red Hook. He gave them a 9.8 on Shovel. Linus says the band got their name from the 1980s band Kiss. Tom thought they started in the 1970s. Linus doubts that Tom is right, but he will look into it. He says the name is a reference to a tape circulating of lead singer Ace Frehley's between-song banter where he constantly said "Well, alright!" before launching into his next quip. Linus thinks the repeated phrase is unintentionally hilarious. Tom tells him that Paul Stanley is the band's vocalist, but Linus doesn't know who that is. Tom clarifies that he's the singer for Kiss. Linus thinks the guy with the makeup is the singer, and Tom says all four members wore makeup. Linus doesn't believe the drummer did. He thinks Tom is full of it for claiming the drummer applied cat makeup. Linus thought only two members wore makeup in the early 1980s, and then abandoned it before getting back together in 2000. Tom tells him that his Kiss timeline is off.

Linus says people compare The Well, Alright! to a cross between Park Slope bands Practice, We Talkin' About Practice? and Marry Me Soleil Moon Frye. Tom is not familiar with either band. However, Linus thinks we they sound like a less rockin', more introspective From the Desk of Colonel Hap Hapablap from West Bushwick. Tom noticed that he said "we" before catching himself. Linus admits to being in the band. Tom thinks it's biased to write about your own band. Linus says all the guys at Shovel do it. He thinks it's acceptable because they don't assign perfect 10.0 grades. Tom thinks this is a generous and objective journalistic approach. He has seen some of his writing, including a review of the Black Kids' Wizzard of Ahhhs EP that was heavily linked throughout that blogosphere. Tom reads an excerpt:

The hype on this Jacksonville, Floreda-based five-piece quintet is palpable, but should be ignored on general principals. Their sound is a pathetically generic mish-mash of The Cure's limper moments melted with the ineffective funk of The Go! Team. Ultimately all that is left is a ponderous, plodding exorcise in futility that deserves to be criticized for the garbage that it is not the amazing music that it probably thinks it is.

Tom picks up on a few problem areas, including the redundancy of "five-piece quintet," "principals" instead of "principles," and "melted" instead of "melded." Linus wants to know why Tom is being so mean to him. Tom says he's just marveling at the quality of the review considering Linus bills himself as a good writer and a tastemaker. Linus says the errors must have slipped by Troy, Shovel's founder/editor. Tom thinks the final sentence is really unwieldy, but Linus thought it was brilliant. He says that Tom can't talk to him like that because he writes for Shovel.com. Linus appears to start crying. He wants to know why Tom is judging him while everyone else thinks he's good. Tom says he just thought it was poorly written criticism. Linus disagrees with that assessment. He reveals that he hated the Black Kids because they were mean to him. He went to one of their shows, and they did not give him a t-shirt. Linus doesn't like that Tom is also being mean to him. Tom tells Linus that the band probably didn't like getting a negative review that had no basis in the reality of their musical talent. Linus reiterates that he writes for Shovel.com and deserves respect.

Tom thinks he needs to understand the hypocrisy of not being able to take what he dishes out. While it clearly sounds like he's crying, Linus says he's laughing about his disbelief that the listeners pledged a lot of money. He thinks they sound dumb and poor. Linus is smart and became rich by working for his stepuncle Maurice Kern, the acclaimed philanthropist and owner of Kern Pharmaceuticals. He runs one of Kern's foundations that sets up kickball leagues all over Brooklyn and out in Silver Lake in LA. Kern donates the money from the proceeds of products like She Sleeps Now, a retooled version of the controversial Now She Sleeps, to fund the kickball initiatives. Linus says Kern figures he's six months away from legal trouble on the new drug. Tom's glad the profits are funneled into worthy charities.

Linus says he will donate $15,000-$18,000 to WFMU if Tom does something for him. He makes sure Tom is strapped in and wearing a helmet before receiving the request. He wants to hear The Band's Moondog Matinee in its entirety. Linus thinks it's a great record and will only donate the money after Tom plays it. He gives Tom his word, and the word of his stepuncle, but Tom can't assign much value to those words. Linus attempts to give his promise more weight by nothing that he's a published author. Tom points out that Linus had a meltdown just because he pointed out an unwieldy final sentence in the hatchet job he did on the Black Kids EP. Linus thinks the sentence makes perfect sense. He begins crying/laughing again because it's all so funny. Linus isn't sure if he's doing okay. Tom thinks he needs to get a hold of himself. Linus says he needs to hear Moondog Matinee in its entirety ... now.

Tom tells him to give Mike his pledge information off-air. If Tom doesn't follow through, Linus will give him a 0.1 in his review of tonight's program. Tom says that is unethical and motivated purely by a personal grudge. Linus appreciates Tom's ability to continually crack him up. Tom finds it hard to believe that people respect him as a music tastemaker. Linus says he heard that one of the guys in Black Kids checked into a monastery because of that review. Linus predicts that Tom will join him in dropping out of society, or he'll be so embarrassed that people will barge him. Tom thinks he can take the heat. Linus tells Tom that if he fails to play all of Moondog Matinee, he only has one thing to say to him: "Get barged."

Tom is surprised that Linus did not get his stepuncle to finance a run for Newbridge Mayor. Tom plays a pop gem from 1960s Swedish band Tages instead of The Band.

- Asterius calls from his car in Los Angeles to tell Tom that he was entertained by the marathon shows. He thinks Myspace is ova because he knows many recent college graduates who only have Facebook accounts. Esterius prefers Myspace, where he's amassed 999 friends. He selected Kyle, a cool guy he met at a comedy show, as the lucky person to take the prestigious 1,000th slot. However, he was in the midst of sending out political fundraising bulletins about the food crisis in Darfur. Esterius intended to usher Kyle in with much fanfare, so he decided he didn't want to dilute the importance of these messages with a bulletin trumpeting a milestone friend. Esterius confirms that Tom is one of his friends, and he does not have Fight Club as one of his favorite movies. He claims he never listed it in his profile, but I suspect that The Cramedog or BeBe Williams tracked him down and forced him to remove it. Tom asks him if he liked the film. Esterius says he did like it, but

- New listener John from Charlotte, NC, calls to say he's been enjoying what he's been hearing. Tom indicates that he tries and tries and tries to bring it by singing a line from "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. John proves that he's new to the program by attempting an unauthorized singalong. Tom dumps him for not pledging.

- Asterius returns to review the manner in which Tom booted him from the air. He thought he was GOMPed, but he actually received the silent hang-up treatment. Tom tips his hat to him for supporting the station and tells him to hang in there like a champ.

Tom went to the Barnes & Nobles and saw Ghostface Killah's long-awaited advice book, The World According to Pretty Toney (MTV Press, 9 pages, $24.99). He was able to read the entire book in four minutes because the format was one sentence on a page (e.g., "Wipe the sleep out of your eyes.") followed by a funny image interpreting said sentence. Tom wonders if Ghost just dictated 30 life lessons during a limo ride. He's a big fan of his music, but he thinks he could have done better with his book. Tom noticed a lot of white space for footnotes and autographs. He has heard a five-minute sample of the hilarious audio version, but he refused to drain $25 from a gift card for a CD. Tom is interested in the Ghostface book with all the fun stories. Ghostface Killah: 1 Tom: 0. Paris Hilton: 2 Tom: 0. Tom is ready to erase the 0 from his score tally by getting On The Air ... (see sample chapter above) on the shelf as soon as possible. He will include a lot of filler, including Notes pages for readers to capture their own thoughts about Mike. One chapter will detail Tom's pre-show preparation of retrieving CDs from the library and wheeling them into the studio on a cart.

More to come:

TWBB "Milkshake" refs are ova.
Shirley Jones didn't write "The Lottery".
The cinema of Chris Guest is ova.
Petey's relationship is ova.
The GOMP of a 9-year-old.
Referring to SXSW as just "South-By" is ova.
More debate about "The Lottery" authorship and Amazon vs. Wikipedia.

On the Next ... Best Show on WFMU: Tom procures an advance copy of Sheila Larson's hip-hop album and reviews it unfairly, a ghoul calls to offer listeners a special discount on custom-made coffins, and professional comedian Todd Barry stops by the studio. It's gonna be another Hot March Night!

RIP: Ola Brunkert

Posted by Omar at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Fontasies." -- Matthew "Fluxblog" Perpetua, correcting Pseu on the pronunciation of his pledge card ode to Gene

"We gotta keep Mike's phone busy, 'cause otherwise he's gonna start telling August about weird movies, and we don't want that to happen." -- Tom, trying to thwart corrupting Lukas Moodysson and Werner Herzog dissertations with pledges

"Amoeba, very nice store. Very hard to shoplift from that store. Very hard." -- Tom on the tight security at the West Coast independent music retailer

"Jerry Reed is doing The Iceman Cometh down there now, so anybody who wants to check that out -- it's really thrilling." -- Tom, recommending the Eugene O'Neill production at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Jupiter, FL

"I'm from the streets! Everything I learned I learned in back alleys, like around garbage cans with flames coming out of there like the beginning of Rocky." Tom, reiterating his slob bona fides in an appeal to the Common Man

"Fix that thing, nerds. Place is filled with nerds. Can't throw a rock without hittin' a nerd around here. Step up, nerds, fix that thing!" -- Tom, looking for prompt IT support after pledges set the computer ablaze

"I come in with the wind, I disappear in the morning mist." -- The Famous Flamer, detailing the oddly peaceful itinerary for his Weekend Sale-a-Thons

"My life is either awesome or horrible. I got no time for 74 degrees and clear. It's either gotta be blazin' hot and I'm on a skateboard, or it's snowin' and there's a Yeti comin' after me with a machine gun." -- The Famous Flamer, reveling in the extremes

"You know what's fair? Foghat at full volume -- that's fair!" -- The Famous Flamer, rejecting WFMU's indie garbage in favor of loud classic rock

"You can't unsee something like that." -- Tom on the horrific vision of a shirtless Jim Norton, the funniest comedian in New Jersey, submerged in a water tank at one of The Flamer's "salebrations"

"'Tumbleweeds' is slang for crank, right?" -- Patton Oswalt, confirming that Mac from Las Cruces was making a drug reference in his pledge comment

"I want to squeeze every cent out of everyone listening. We are not gonna hit 11 o'clock before I have shook all of you upside down by your legs, and the coins have fallen out." -- Tom, taking your lunch money and bleeding you dry

"He has this knife on his belt. It scares me. He sharpens it like on a leather strap." -- Tom, revealing Associate Producer Mike's weapon of choice

"Yes, we clap for Pitchfork! What're you worried about 7.5s? We clap! We get a 7.8 now." -- Tom, saluting the music website for their support

"... the life of kings." -- H. L. Mencken

[TBSOWFMU - 3/4/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Mott The Hopple - "The Journey"

( Click here to buy Brain Capers)

Sleater-Kinney - "Anonymous"

( Click here to buy Call The Doctor)

Be Your Own Pet - "Heart Throb"

( Click here to buy Get Awkward)

Negative FX - "The Few, The Proud"

( Click here to buy Negative FX/Last Rights)

Black Francis - "When They Come To Murder Me"

( Click here pre-order SVN Fngrs)

Sixteen Deluxe - "Babyheadrush"

( Click here to buy Backfeed Magnet Babe)

Superchunk - "Seed Toss" (live)

( Click here to buy Clambake Series Vol. 1: Acoustic In-Stores East & West)

Soft Machine - "We Did It Again"

( Click here to buy Vols. 1 & 2)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

The Week 2 Marathon Players

Host: Tom Tom Thomas The Tank Engine
Co-host: So Pseu Me I Ran Over Your Dog Braun

Special Guests: Ted Leo The Lionhearted (straight-up funny not just musician funny), Ben Ben 10 of 10 Gibbard, Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno, and Gen. Patton "The Wizard of" Oswalt

Special Appearances: J-Wo, J-Klaus, and the usual array of sloblunteers.

Tom starts off his final marathon show with Jay-Z's "What More Can I Say?", indicating that he's run out of words to stress how important it is for everyone -- from the white whales to the guppies to the carp in Lake Newbridge -- to pledge to The Best Show. If you live in Brooklyn, you will have to forgo cocaine purchases for the next month in order to do the right thing. Tom knows that everyone would get sad and cry if WFMU didn't exist, so donating money is the only way to avoid this emotional breakdown for another year. Last week, he brought in an amazing $40,000, and he will ascend to his rightful throne if he can top it. The pieces are all in place for a very special night. Tom asks Glen to pump up Pseu's volume to take full advantage of her commanding pipes. The equally stentorian Ted Leo is primed to reprise his legendary 2007 Marathon appearance, and he's got former Wawa recording artist Gibb Benson to help make even more rock 'n roll dreams come through. Professional comedian Patton Oswalt is en route from a candlelight vigil for D&D pioneer Gary Gygax. Unless you want to get catapulted to that great Level-1 Module in the sky, it's time to pony up some 20-sided pledges. If there are no pledges, There Will Be No FUN. It's go time.

Tom announces that Mike the Associate Producer will autograph two Strotesick DVDs, including his personal copy, as part of tonight's impressive prize stash. Mike has frequently displayed an infinite reservoir of cinematic sickness by championing depressing European art films as legitimate comedies. Tom prefers American fare like The Wedding Crunchers to depictions of ski-lift suicides and existentially futile games of chicken Tic-Tac-Toe.

Winner #1: Joan from Seattle
Winner #2: ??????????

Ted Leo Set #1

Ted Leo - "The Spirit of Radio" (for "Deep Pockets" Laurie)

Ted Leo - "Clowntime Is Over"

Since Patton is stuck in traffic, he sends Famous Flamin' Floyd from Fresno, an aggressive car salesman known for running "Weekend Sale-a-Thons" at Orzman Dodge in Vienna, VA, Fair Oaks Dodge in Centerville, VA, and Miller Nissan in Richmond, KY, to shoot pledges through the roof. The Flamer, who has been at it on the double nickel (i.e., 20 years), explains that he's not affiliated with a home dealership -- he's just a hired gun who comes in with the wind and disappears in the morning mist, leaving behind an empty lot. He sets the asphalt on fire (figuratively?), forcing people to purchase the vehicles before they burn to cinders. The Flamer's stellar sales record includes moving 417 cars in one day back in 1991.

The Flamer salutes the phone volunteers and makes some intriguing revisions to the pledge board:

Brain Donor (The Y3K Pledge) ($1,000) = Space Champion

Heart Donor (50th Anniversary Pledge) ($500) = Spartan Warrior

Ear Donor (Mouse of Today Pledge) ($365) = Steve McQueen with a Skull Face

Eye Donor ($150) = RAPIST

Kidney Donor ($75) = Honky Lips

The Flamer says he'd like Spartan Warror-level pledgers to be shirtless and ripped while waving swords and mowing down everyone in their paths. He employs a similar strategy at his Weekend Salebrations on the lot. For example, if a customer leaves the premises without a new car, he follows them home to spray paint "RAPIST" on their garage door. Tom isn't entirely sure what the term "Honky Lips" means, and The Flamer is unable to provide a proper defintion. However, he assures Tom that it will elicit an egging when scrawled across the exterior of one's home. The bottom line: The Flamer is confident that listeners prefer to be Steve McQueen with a Skull Face instead of Rapists and Honky Lips. He lives his life by placing things into the extreme camps of awesome or horrible. The Flamer says he has no time 74 degrees and clear. He wants to ride a skateboard in the blazing heat or get attacked by a Yeti with a machine gun in the middle of a snowstorm.

When The Flamer arrives at a dealership, he tells the staff that the days of just meeting quotas are over. Under his tutelage, they will either drain the competition in the local market or meet a fiery end. The Flamer threatens to sneak in at night to light Sterno® cans under the air conditioner, sending flames back into the heating ducts and burning the place to the ground. He refers to this strategy as "sales." Tom thinks it's something completely different. The Flamer usually works in tandem with "The Blue Raja", a wet brain he retrieves from the train tracks and paints blue. If customers can chase his underling around the lot three times, The Flamer will give them $10 off any car they want. Tom is confused about this promotion. The Flamer is pleased because his techniques are not for Tom to understand. He's says that he's trying to create an exciting event, not a knowable "thing" that you can stick in a photo album. He compares his approach to lightning -- it's a force out there in the air, and you just have to get out of its way. Tom is troubled by the fact that he actually kinda understands this explanation.

The Flamer thinks Tom would be an asset on one of his Price Chopper Tours. He is often hired by three rival dealerships in the same county/area code to set off competitive warfare in a round-robin format. Widdershins and harvest moons are somehow involved. By Sunday at 9 a.m. the entire town has gone crazy, and, more importantly, they are all driving around in new cars that they probably did not need. Tom criticizes the Price Chopper fly-bys for being a short-term solution to sales shortfalls. The Flamer argues that the short-term is the long-term -- if you get the money now and frighten people into being called Rapists and Honky Lips, they will become lifelong customers. Similarly, listeners will now pledge to become Steve McQueen with a Skull Face, yielding another year of WFMU's "godawful indie music" programming. Tom thinks the assessment is unfair, but The Flamer thinks Foghat at full volume is more fair. He later approves of a pledge request for The Hooters' "And We Danced" and attempts to perform the melodica part.

Tom agrees to cart up some Foghat if The Flamer can deliver pledges. The Flamer heard Ted Leo's opening set, but he didn't quite get it aside from the Rush riff. He frequently plays "The Spirit of Radio" as accompaniment to promotions involving an oiled lady riding an electronic bull in the parking lot. While customers watch the show, The Flamer's employees lift their wallets, run their credit cards, and leave them with a new car they have to drive home. He says the scheme never fails. Tom finds it a bit too extreme for his liking. The Flamer orchestrates a "W! FMU!" clap-chant and tells the volunteers they will be fired if they don't start answering phones. Tom asks The Flamer to give out the phone number, but he doesn't know what it is. He says he's more accustomed to closing the deal by running and throwing keys at people. The prospective customers get so scared that they leave with a new car. The Flamer bumps Pseu aside and reads the relevant pledge particulars, including the option to pledge online, the "Internet thing for shut-ins." He predicts that Mr. Oswalt will whine and moan when he finally arrives at the studio. The Flamer suspects that he's currently sipping herbal tea and reading a Sue Grafton novel. Meanwhile, the Flamer is attaching a jet engine to Tom's diesel chainsaw. Tom loves it. Space Champions! No Rapists!

The Flamer asks Pseu for permission to do clap pushups behind her as she thanks the next batch of pledgers. He completes one grueling set.

Ben Gibbard Set #1

Ben Gibbard - "You Remind Me of Home"

Ben Gibbard - "Look Out (Here Comes Tomorrow)" (for Hate Pit resident Mickey Dolenz)

Gibbard's performance causes The Flamer to get caught up in the "indie loser" spirit. He says he will stay at WFMU until dawn and challenges anyone to stop by for a crunch contest at 5 a.m. The Flamer eventually applies some lip balm and becomes very sleepy. It's Blue, presumably purchased at Das Sieben Und Der Elf. He's out. A well-deserved nap.

A Tale of Two GOMPs

"You GOMP people, too? My GOMP is a guy in a big green costume, and if you leave without buying a car, he throws a hammer at you. That's what we call GOMPing." -- The Flamer, opting for a more violent take on Tom's sissified, Miss Marple hang-ups

Ted Leo Set #2

Ted Leo - "Union City Blue"
Ted Leo - "Chain Fight Tonight"
Ted Leo - "Bottle of Buckie" (for Laura Cantrell)

RATTalouie

An out-of-breath Patton rushes into the studio after a delayed flight, and he wants to make sure that The Flamer arrived from Ponca City, OK. Tom informs him that his opening act is currently resting. Patton says he heard something about The Flamer either doubling all the pledges or putting anthrax in the New Jersey water supply. While The Flamer was a bit more boisterous, Patton, whose voicework in the Academy Award-winning Ratalouie launched him into the top 1% of the semi-famous, is equally effective at garnering pledges. Tom was under the mistaken impression that the Pixar film was a Pearcy & Blotzer musical.

Doobies Live

"Whenever I see a morbidly obese pop-n-locker guy in the front with suspenders, that's the first guy I search." -- Patton Oswalt, scoping out the bootleggers at his live comedy shows

Oh My God

Ben Gibbard (ft. Ted Leo) - "Porcupine Pie"

Prize Wall

1. Sloan - Never Hear The End Of It (Winner: Eric from Red Bank)
2. Times New Viking - Rip It Off (Winner: Rory from Madision, WI)
3. Carbonas - Carbonas (Winner: Andy from Brooklyn)
4. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Jukebox Explosion: Rockin' Mid-90s Punkers! (Winner: Mason from Ontario)
5. Pavement - Wowee Zowee: Sordid Sentinels Edition (Winner: Bob from Portland, OR)
6. The Replacements - Don't You Know Who I Think I Was? - The Best of the Replacements (Winner: Colin from Toronto)
7. Amy Sedaris - I Like You: The Life and Times of Borat S. (Winner: Keenan from Brooklyn)
8. The Dictators - Every Day Is Saturday (Winner: South River Johnny)
9. Hank IV - Third Person Shooter (Winner Bob from Seattle)
10. Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970 (Winner: Mick from JC)
11. The ending of Home Box Office's The Wire Kelley Stoltz - Circular Sounds (Winner: Paul from Belleville)
12. Miss Alex White and The Red Orchestra - Space & Time (Winner: Gordon from South Dakota Ossining)
13. Autographed Ted Leo poster (Winner: Lee in Oklahoma City)
14. The Final Solutions - Songs By Solutions (Winner: Pudge in Newbridge)
15. Norse Savage - We've Got Spirit (Winner: Sam in Whitehall, Michigan)

Grand Prize: Todd Barry - From Heaven / Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops / Zach Galifiankis - Live at the Purple Onion / Human Giant - The Complete First Season DVD / Autographed Conan O'Brien picture / Autographed Aqua Teen Hunger Force poster (Winner: Kent in Toronto)

NJ Landmarks Cited

• Holsten's
• Nevada Diner
• Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash
• Romantic Depot
• Russian Dream Restaurant
• Scotchwood Diner
• Fords Jewelers
• Avenel Prison, Prevert Unit
• Vintage Vinyl
• Fire N Ice Gentlemen's Club disco
• South Amboy Chuck E. Cheese (RIP)
• West Essex YMCA

Better Luck in 2009: (Mostly) Unfulfilled Pledge Requests

Billy Joel - "Just The Way You Are"
Rod Stewart - "Maggie Mae"
K7 - "Come Baby Come"
The Cure - "Six Different Ways"
Glen Campbell - "Wichita Lineman"
Chisel (any tracks)
Big Dipper (any tracks)
Jonathan Richman - "Government Center"
Black Flag - "TV Party"
The Adicts - "Viva La Revolution"
Billy Bragg - "New England"
Neutral Milk Hotel - "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea"
Robert Pollard - "I'm A Strong Lion"
The Hooters - "And We Danced"
Sheryl Crow - "If It Makes You Happy"
Bruce Springsteen - "Dancing in the Dark"
Taylor Dayne - "Tell It To My Heart" (PO performed an a cappella snippet)
Tom Scharpling - "Pizza Party"
The Pogues - "Dirty Old Town"
The Postal Workers - "Such Great Heights"
The Mighty Diamonds - "I Need A Roof"
Carly Simon - "Anticipation"
Henry Owings - "Tom, I'll Double My Pledge If You Take Your Clothes Off"

"What do you want from us? If this place blows up, the entertainment industry's in trouble. This place blows up, you're gonna be asking that guy from Third Eye Blind to start working on a new album. Nobody wants that! We finally showed that guy the door. Now we're gonna have to let him back in 'cause there's nobody good alive." -- Tom, stressing the importance of protecting the Good Guys by pledging during The Big Push

TRIUMPHANT FINALE

Tom Scharpling & Ben Gibbard & Ted Leo & Patton Oswalt - "Take A Chance On Me"

+

+

=

$53,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom makes the jump to XM for "Hour of Power", his new program featuring Adult Album Alternative and chit-chat with your favorite Republican luminaries. Eat chain, Little Steven. GOOD GUY WINS!!!!

Scharpling Makes, The World Takes.

Posted by Omar at 9:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

[previously on...]

Posted by x amount at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 1:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

"I love Boston, I just don't love any of your sports teams. Or your horrible highways." -- Tom, clarifying his Beantown issues following a pledge from Christopher in Attleboro, MA

"Next call talks to a laaady. You're lonely and you want to talk to a laaady. 800-989-9368. Come on, dudes. First chance to talk to a lady without having to run it by your parole officer." -- Tom, sparking interest in male listeners during a scary lull where Hatch feared the Scratchy Record program would outdraw The Best Show

"I will wring every dollar out of everyone listening. You will not pay your rent! You will pay WFMU!" -- Tom, doing some cutthroat budgetary planning on behalf of his listeners

"'Cause your young and your cool. And it's the fact that you offered me coke in the bathroom. That actually was a tipoff." -- Tom, explaining how he knew Hatch lived in Cocaine Heights

"Most radio hosts wither like the leaves in autumn, but Tom Scharpling is an evergreen, bringing it every Tuesday night and draining the competition." -- Omar, Best Show Poet Laundromat, keeping things on target in his pledge comment

"Are you in that Duck Duck Goose League in McCarren Park? -- Tom, asking Hatch if he's on board with Brooklyn's latest recreational craze

"If you didn't pledge then, you know what? You got James'd, sir. You, madame, got James'd." -- Tom, sentencing tightwad listeners to the ultimate mutant attack

"I was feeling pretty iree, yeah, but then I just got mad. Then I started throwin' stuff." - Bryce, lamenting the reggae rage that crushed his lean-to

"Aw, come on, man, what's wrong with you people? Don't you want me to get ripped?" -- Bryce, wondering why listeners are not supporting his pledges-for-crippler campaign

"It already got signed for. Yeah, someone named ... Therese." -- Bryce, informing Tom that his crippler samples are in the building

"Hey, everybody. Call back and get your money back 'cause Tom won't smoke out with me." -- Bryce, urging pledgers to ask for refund due to Tom's refusal to puff

"Oh, Mike. Remember that? Those were the good times, when Super Dave Osbourne's face didn't look like one of the bad guys in I, Robot." -- Tom, reminiscing about the younger, less frightening visage of Mr. Einstein

"I gave blood today, but giving to WFMU is even more rewarding." - Eban from Rhode Island on his Two-for-Tuesday drainage

[TBSOWFMU - 2/26/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Dwight Twilley - "Money (That's What I Want)" (ripped from the original 1979 Arista promo 12" courtesy of Power Pop Pop-Pop's estate)

( Click here to visit the official DT website)

The Hex Dispensers - "H.D. Local 23"

( Click here to buy The Hex Dispensers)

The Mountain Goats - "Lovecraft in Brooklyn"

( Click here to buy Heretic Pride)

Dengue Fever - "Woman in the Shoes"

( Click here to buy Venus On Earth)

Nada Surf - "From Now On"

( Click here to buy lucky)

The Would Be's - "Funny Ha Ha"

( Click here to acquire Silly Songs For Cynical People)

Guv'ner - "Motorcycle Man"

( Click here to buy The Hunt)

The Takeovers - "Instigator"

( Click here to buy the Little Green Onion Man EP)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

... THE DISENFRANCHISED HAVE A HOME NOW! I'M THE HERO OF THE DISENFRANCHISED! And it is time for you to TESTIFY! Hallelujah! A pledge'll do ya! Tom Scharpling, who is officially funnier than Pat Cooper, whines because the phones are not ringing. He paid the cost to be the boss, and now it's his turn to get pizz-aid, Big Money-style. Tom rhetorically asks if the show is over. Alas, he still has 2:50 to help ensure that WFMU remains solvent for the next 12 months of broadcasting. After 50 weeks of fun, The Best Show is ready to engage two weeks of important FUNdraising. WFMU needs financial support from listeners because its ship sails solo sans garish corporate logos draping off its sides like one of Rami Kashou's predictable Grecian dresses. Tom is making pledges even more worthwhile by offering the "We Did It Again" Fun Pack at the $75 level. He believes it is the best premium ever offered by any DJ in the history of the station. I'd probably agree, although Professor Dum Dum's 2006 black metal compilation autographed by Belphegor lead singer Helmuth was pretty amazing. The Fun Pack includes an FOT-designed t-shirt, a KickTheBobo-designed sticker, a gorgeous, Neil Numberman-designed poster, and Frankensteins and Gumdrops, an exclusive EP from professional comedian Patton Oswald. He will smash the master tape immediately following production.

You can also pledge $2,000 to not receive this undesirable swag:

The Week 1 Marathon Players

Host: Tom Scharpling
Co-host: A young man named Hatch
The Best Show: Undercover (G4, 2009) Videographer: Evan

The Scharpling Rowdies:

1. Therese
2. Sherri
3. Karen
4. Associate Producer Troy Keith Kevin Mike
5. DJ Terre T, aka The Queen of Saturday Afternoons WFMU
6. Jason S.
7. Dawn
8. Lorraine/August (w/ cupcakes)
9. Pat from the Evening Zoo Crew
10. Chad

Prize #1. Jay Reatard - Blood Visions

Winner: Lee from Nashville

"What, no Magma?" -- Matthew in East Orange

Prize #2. Leather Uppers - Bright Lights

Winner: Mahmoud in Chicago

- The Bryce checks in to see how WFMU's little call-in pledge drive is progressing. Tom describes him as the Grateful Dead fan, but Bryce finds that far too limiting. He believes he's much more than just a Dead Head. Bryce lost his stoner vibe (i.e., his true "inner being") last May when he emerged from a colossal, decade-long fog and checked into the Newbridge Acres treatment facility. In addition to loading his bong with ample quantities of God's green, Bryce's substance abuse entered a new realm after Werner and Rutager took him on a "ski trip" that ended in a legendary binge on funnel cakes at the Newbridge Colonial Days street festival. While at Newbridge Acres, an Austrian night nurse named Wilhelm introduced Bryce -- and most of Newbridge -- to a sleep-inducing lip balm called Blue. Bryce was back to his usual self by the time he called last October to announce his Party Party candidacy for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial race. He reveals the means by which he regained normalcy: weed. Tom is not surprised.

Bryce guesses that WFMU has raised $7 in its nearly two days of fundraising. Tom says it's a higher tally, so Bryce ups his guess to $9. Tom reveals that the station has crossed the triple-digit barrier. Bryce thinks that's righteous and recommends celebrating by cueing up something from Peter Tosh's Bush Doctor album. Bryce is shocked to hear that Tom is not a big Tosh fan. He's willing to settle for some other reggae tunes, such as a track from Lucky Dude. Tom is not familiar with the artist. Bryce tells Tom to Google him right now. While Tom completes the search, Bryce informs him that last night he knocked over his lean-to behind the old Lady Foot Locker. He wants Tom to guess why he destroyed his residence. Tom correctly assumes it was related to the quest to get high. In this case, Bryce says he went into the "reggae rage" because he was unable to get high. Tom didn't think that reggae music was known to make people aggressive.

Bryce says he was listening to the music on his hutPod when he started slamming about because couldn't achieve flight. He was feeling pretty iree, but then he got mad and started throwing stuff, crushing his lean-to in the process. Bryce thinks someone should release an album titled Reggae Rage. Tom doesn't think this would be wise because the historical appeal of reggae is not about getting worked up and angry. Bryce bets that if wrestler Randall Savage ever did a reggae album, he would call it Reggae Rage. Tom knows Savage by his longtime ring moniker of "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Bryce explains that Savage has taken it up a notch in the class department. In addition to the more mature first name, Savage now wears a cummerbund around his regular tights. He completes his new ensemble with a tuxedo t-shirt, which Bryce wears daily. Tom agrees that the sash and faux formal wear is pretty classy attire.

Bryce says he's willing to attract extra pledge money by matching donations with hits of his potent weed. He wants to start doing this right now, but Tom isn't sure that encouraging drug use is responsible radio. Since no phone lines are lit up, he's willing to try it. Bryce thinks people will call when they hear about his chosen implement: a drum/space bong featuring a little drum and wind chimes. Tom says that Bryce can take his first hit when three phones ring. Bryce says he needs a half-hit to get ready, but Tom wants him to hold off. He doesn't think anybody is interested in this initiative. Bryce wonders what is wrong with people who don't want to see him get ripped live on the air. He starts packing the crippler as the second line illuminates and takes an epic hit after the third call comes in. He squeals in delight. Bryce is flying now, so he wants Tom to cue up something from Dick's Pick Volume 3. However, he's too ripped to recall the track listing on that bootleg. Bryce suggests that call screener Troy might know. Tom says he will see if Mike can retrieve it from the library when he finishes logging a pledge.

In the meantime, Bryce is ready to do more crippler hits. He urges people to call because he can still remember his name. Bryce is very pleased with this crippler crop, which he bought from Werner before he left town. Bryce says he sent samples to Tom in the mail c/o the station and to his home address. He's certain that Tom will love it, but Tom informs him that he doesn't smoke pot. Bryce rejoices at the third pledge coming through, cackling like Philly Boy Roy en route to his second charitable hit. While in mid-puff he has to stop to repair a busted carb. Bryce admits that the carb action is not so happening because he threw the bong during his first reggae rage of the week. He usually has eight per week. Bryce says he can't wait for Tom to try this stuff, but Tom reminds him that he will not partake. Bryce thinks he will because it's coming to his house and the station. Tom says he will refuse delivery, and he hopes Bryce is arrested for sending illegal drugs through the USPS. Bryce says it's too late: Therese already signed for the package. Tom confirms that Therese signed for the primo crippler sent to WFMU. (Therese later apologizes for this in her pledge comment.) Bryce says he'll see both of them in The Hut. Tom tells Bryce that he will not be going to The Hut over this shipment.

Bryce suspects that his five-minute appearance has pushed WFMU from a measly $7 to past their two-week goal of $1 million. Tom tells him that they have not done that well. Bryce is surprised because he's a star at smoking crippler. He giggles and takes another hit. Bryce bids Tom later days and asks him to smoke up/out for him. Tom refuses to smoke pot in any direction, and Bryce thinks his stubborn stance stinks. He directly addresses the listeners in a plea for them to call back for pledge refunds. Bryce is confident that will obey his order because he's like a God to them. He amends his statement by scratching the word "like." Tom thinks he's less like a deity and more just a delusional man. Bryce asks Tom and call screener Kenny to refer to him as a God. Mike says that Bryce is far from a God to the listeners. Bryce wants Tom to put Troy on the microphone so he can discuss their difference of opinion. Tom says he's busy working the phones. Bryce suspects that he's afraid of him because he's a more skilled smoker. He thinks he can smoke better than all 3 10 people manning the phones. Bryce claims he already sent weed to everyone in the phone bank. Tom doesn't believe it because Bryce doesn't know their names.

Bryce laughs and becomes disorientated. He appears to not remember calling a radio station, and he believes that voices entered his head. Tom tells him that he's hearing his voice. Bryce is still confused. He says the crippler is making him feel really weird, and he doesn't like it. Despite taking seven hits during the call, the crippler wears off. Bryce's voice shifts to a more angry tone, and he threatens Tom via "Positive Vibration" by Bob Marley & the Wailers: "Rastaman vibration yeah! Positive/Gonna kill someone now!" Tom cannot understand how a pot-smoking reggae fan could be so violent.

Prize #3. The New Pornographers: Challengers

Winner: Bryce in Denton, TX

Prize #4. Madlib - Beat Konducta Vol. 3-4: Beat Konducta in India

Winner: Mac from Austin, TX

"No! We don't do that! I don't got Poppin' Fresh down here!" -- Tom, rejecting creepy corporate synergy from the likes of Pillsbury

Prize #5. Ted Leo + Rx - Living with the Living

Winner: Tristan from Weird-O-Wood

Prize #6. P. Jeans - Hope for Men

Winner: Dan from Oak Park, IL

Listeners (Temporarily?) Redeemed by Pledging:

1. Julie from Cincinnati (rambunctious rookie)

2. Abraham from Cambridge, MA (Richard Kind enthusiast)

3. Jesse Thorn (latte-sipping, Volvo-driving podcast magnate)

4. Paul from Nashville (extremely wealthy law student)

5. Jeremy from Poughkeepsie (will require additional good deeds)

6. Brian from Chicago (GOMPed for refusing to wash his bath towels)

"What is this, a Bell Biv DeVoe song? Flip it up, turn it around?" -- Tom, mistaking Hatch's instructions to reposition the microphone for lyrics to an early-1990s R&B jam

Tom's NBA Finals Picks

Prize #7. Thurston Moore - Trees Outside The Academy (autographed)
Prize #8. Gonerfest 2 CD/DVD combo

Winner: Christopher in Windsor Terrace
Winner: Karen in Williamsburg

Hate on Ice

"Andrew, if you wanna call back and let us know if you're a Grand Wizard, or if you're just a White Knight, let us know." -- Tom, taking Georgia to task for their racist ways

FOT in Valdosta, GA, don their regalia in honor of the WFMU Marathon

Chants

"Jersey Makes, New York Takes!" (6 repetitions)

"800. (Fight!) 989. (Fight!) 9368. (Fight!)" (11 repetitions)

"Mike!" (31 repetitions)

"Jake!" (14 repetitions)

"Andy in New York!" (6 repetitions)

"Hatch!" (x2) (9 repetitions / 7 repetititons)

"Mouse!" (multiple renditions of varying duration)

"Slobs vs. Snobs!" (7 repetitions)

"I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a 'baller. I wish I had a phone with a battery so I could be a Supercaller." -- Gia from Brooklyn

Number of pledgers trapped in the ABBA Box: 1 (Daniel from Nazareth, PA)

Number of people referred to as a douche by pledgers: 2 (James, Purple Shirt)

Number of pledgers honoring Super Dave Osbourne's original face: 1 (AP Mike)

Number of tambourine solos dedicated to Tom: 1 (Bonnie from praise rockers On Purpose)

Prize #9. Demon's Claws - Satan's Little Pet Pig
Prize #10. Mary Weiss - Dangerous Game

Winner: Forrest in Manhattan
Winner: Scott in Knoxville, TN

Grand Prize. Comedy Fun Pack ft. Oswald, Hannemann, and Tompkins.

Winner: Shane from Rutherford

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Ted Leo (Arm Wrestling for Pledges!). Gibb Benson (Hooters/GG Allin covers for Pledges!). Patton Oswald (Will Convert Failure Piles and Sadness Bowls into Pledges!). Hot Rockin' Romney (TBD).

=$40,000!

You called. You pledged. You were counted.

One more round to go. 800-989-9368. Don't get James'd again.

Posted by Omar at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

The making of 60 Dollars.

Posted by x amount at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

Finally. DJ Douggpound gets his SDXE due.

Not sure if it'll be like his T&E live show warm-up DJ action, or this previous false start-y thing:

POUNDCAST III

Or maybe like these older things?:

"On a sesame seed bun!"

Printer Jam

"Are you a sweater?"

Posted by x amount at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments