Recidivism.

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Salad, sure. But weave 'em right and you're set for ice cream.

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"I would have also paired up George Jones and a ticket refund counter." -- Tom, adding some visuals to the surreal "We Go Together" video montage

"Okay, write down your predilection and then you'll tell me what it is after I say what it is." -- Marky Ramone, challenging Tom to guess his big announcement

"You didn't say nothin' about the 1/8th notes on the high hat, how fast they are." -- Marky Ramone, lamenting an omission in Tom's critique of his drumming

"You do Marky Ramone's throat lozenges, you have the crystal-clear voice of Marky Ramone." -- Marky Ramone, promoting the latest product in his signature series

"You're just diggin' it deepah and deepah and deepah. And I'm gonna play hardah and hardah and hardah on your head." -- Marky Ramone, vowing to deliver a 2B beating for Tom's supposed insults

"He looked like he was turning into The Hulk. Like a Caucasian Hulk." -- Tom on Roger Clemens' transformation into a 'roid-raging monster at his landmark Congressional hearing

"You know, I don't hate Spike, but, I mean, I don't want to be considered an "us" with Spike." -- ROY '08 candidate Steve from North Hollywood, distancing himself from a less desirable member of The Best Showverse

"Jerky Boys, though? Really? The Jerky Boys. The Jerky Boys. I can't even expound on it. The Jerky Boys." -- Tom, digesting the rough comparison to the phone prank duo

"Oh, I just pulled up that site. Oh my God. He's not even a kid." -- Martin from Edison, getting his first honest-to-blob peak at the self-proclaimed Voice of the People

"Willy Wonka. That guy had some problems. First of all, how did that stuff clear inspections? Got those Oompa-Loompas, were they wearing gloves?" -- Tom, questioning the sanitation standards at the famous candy facory

"This guy looks like he ate The Gorch. That's how big that guy is." -- Tom, assessing the Brimsteadian girth of The Kid from Brooklyn

"The singer from The Smiths, you thought he was whiny?" -- Tom, trying to comprehend Lisa from Brooklyn's issues with Morrissey

"I keep thinking the bad guys will win in the end and take it all away, but somehow it all seems to keep working." -- Tom Scharpling, rejoicing in The New York Times

[TBSOWFMU - 2/19/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get the 2008 "We Did It Again" Fun Pack! T-shirt. Sticker. Brian Michael Palmer Weaver Neil Numberman poster. This one's for all the marbles. Tom is counting on you.**

Dust - "Pull Away/So Many Times"

( Click here to buy Hard Attack)

The Black Hollies - "Bruised Tangerines"

( Click here to buy Casting Shadows)

The Dirtbombs - "I Hear The Sirens"

( Click here to buy We Have You Surrounded)

CoCoComa - "Go Ahead"

( Click here to buy CoCoComa)

The Makes Nice - "When It's All Gone"

( Click here to buy This Time Tomorrow)

The Poster Children - "Jeremy Straight"

( Click here to buy Flower Plower)

Psycho and the Birds - "Hybertech Green"

( Click here to buy We've Moved)

Atlas Sound - "River Card"

( Click here to buy Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See
But Cannot Feel)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

The Best Show is back for another Tuesday night installment, and its host, Tom Scharpling, is playing with the Big Boys. This isn't sandlot. Tom's not partaking in recreational kickball with coke-addled hipsters in McCarren Park. He joined the big leagues of professional radio broadcasting, although he did get pushed into the super-secret submarine studio for the final show before the two-week 2008 WFMU FUNdraising marathon. The station, nearing its 50th anniversary in April, hopes to raise enough monies to keep bringing it for another year and embark on some exciting new projects: building a booster FM antenna, a Free Music Archive to combat RIAA mongrels, and producing Dungeon Justice and Doo-Wop Chamber with Spike & Montgomery Davies (Wednesday from 8:00 to 8:35 p.m. starting in June). The bottom line: WFMU and The Best Show have a lot riding on this. It's go time. If you want to keep getting the mirth, music, and mayhem, you gotta pledge money, money, and money. Tom is not messing around anymore. He's tired of the clowntime shenanigans. He's sick of it, and so is Mike the Associate Producer.

Mike is coming unglued to the point where he's reverted back to thievery. Yes, Tom caught him going through his bag again. He's not crazy about it and plans to have a talk with Mike after the show. Tom set his bag down before going into the other room to do his usual pre-show stretching exercises. Upon his return, he startled Mike as he dug through his belongings. Mike claimed that he dropped his wallet into the bag. While he's been on his best behavior of late, Mike's criminal past includes a December 2006 heist of the Russian Snickers bar that Purple Shirt smuggled (amidst his underwear) back into the country per Tom's request. He lifted the foreign treat from Tom's candy bag and ate it like a hungry dog. At the time, Tom admitted that his plentiful stash was very enticing since it was loaded with both kinds of candy: chocolate and fudge. Mike makes up for his recidivist rummaging by shooting one of the three Supercallers to the front of the line to start off the show. Membership has its privileges.

- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville says he's not sure how he managed to end up in such an elite class of callers. Tom informs him that he made it happen with hard work and focus. He points out that nobody will confuse Dave with a bon vivant like Peter Benchley, and Dave thinks he might need to take some offense to that. Tom says he just meant that Dave is more of a blue-collar stalwart, a reliable meat-and-potatoes caller, and not some McSweeney's dude coming in with an obnoxious pedigree. He bets that the the only Pedigree Dave has is a supply of the dog food. Dave says he opts for the lower-end Purina® Dog Chow® due to his teacher's salary. He remembers that Tom feeds Dogmo human flesh, but he can't recall her beverage of choice. Tom reminds him that Dogmo washes it down with human blood. While Tom has been pushing this vampire diet for the past year, Dogmo is still more interested in the traditional Beneful® grub.

Dave called to share a recent cultural event (or what passes for one in Knoxville) he attended with his mother, the great Martha from Knoxville, who last fall became the first member of the family to set foot in New Jersey. He bought her tickets to a George "No Show" Jones concert for Christmas, and Jones managed to perform last week as scheduled. Dave says that the promoters joked about Jones's erratic attendance record by making a pre-show announcement billed as terrible news: George was actually in the building. Dave tolerates Jones and noticed that he doesn't get much rotation on WFMU. Tom says certain programs will play his records, but he doesn't cart up much country. Dave doesn't blame him for avoiding the genre. He appreciates Jones's voice, but he got tired of the show after about 30 minutes.

He was more intrigued by the surreal, cutting-edge visuals on the video screen behind him during "We Go Together", an ode to classic combinations like peanut butter and jelly. The beginning of the clip montage featured legendary country couples like June Carter/John E. Cash and Jones with his third wife, Tammy Wynette (current wife Nancy Sepulveda was at the show). A flag-waving sequence then dissolved to a mom holding an apple pie to remind everyone in the crowd that they are still on U.S. soil. Then things got more interesting. Dave spotted a familiar silhouette of a man looking through a window as the sun streamed in. The camera panned back, and there was a cut to a long hallway in an old building with very high ceilings. Tom Hulce as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart appeared, and a cut back to the window revealed F. Murray Abraham as Antonio Salieri. Dave thought it was odd to include this sequence in the middle a package with duos like the Earnhardt boys and Hank Williams, Jr. standing next to a statue of Hank Williams. Tom imagines someone on the production team (Dorvid?) trying to convince a skeptical Jones that his audience is familiar with Milos Forman's Amadeus. He predilects that Jones had a screaming fit after the show because his fans were baffled by the incongruant composers. "I haven't seen that many powdered wigs since the last Newbridge Colonial Days festival!," Jones might say if he knew actually knew about the Newbridge Colonial Days.

Tom would have also paired up George Jones and a ticket refund counter. Dave says that in the middle of the concert Jones made a pitch for his favorite beverage. Jones told the crowd that when he stopped drinking alcohol, he switched to an exotic drink called water. Over the years, he branched out to an energy drink called FlakeOut!, which was on sale at the venue's concession stands. Tom thinks the drink will appeal to people who, like Jones, already miss 85% of their commitments and need some help flubbing the remainder. Dave encourages people to check out Jones for at least a half hour if he books a date in their town and actually shows up for it. Tom does not approve of Jones and his handlers turning his wildly unprofessional behavior into a joke punctuated with the free-jazz crescendo rim shot favored by The Tonight Show band. Tom wishes he had that sound clip. I'm not a fan these prog vibrations, but I gotta respect what Eubanks & Co. are doing. Dave tells Tom to have a terrific show, and Tom plans to because he started it off on the right fute. Dave hopes Spike is next and wishes Tom a great week.

- A caller asks Tom how he's doin' to the tune of The Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated". The sound is broken up by cellular crackling, but Tom heard enough to know it's Marky Ramone of The World Famous Ramones, returning to the show for the first time since 2006. Marky was a strong presence throughout that year, giving listeners a succulent taste of his foray into erotic fiction and taking the time to judge a rap battle between MC Steinberg and Ted Leo. He even unveiled his plans to reform The Ramones with an all-drummer lineup. Marky last called during young Freddie's Danielson Family bachelor party to offer his congrats to a fellow sticksmen.

Marky is getting ready to sound check, so he walks outside to get better reception and perform his musical greeting for the third time. Tom tells him that he didn't have to start over. Marky claims he only did it twice and then does it for the fourth time. He says that he's been keeping busy in the past two years, playing shows with Marky Ramone and the Intrudahs, Marky Ramone & the Speedkings, Marky Ramone Band, and the new Marky Ramone Group. Tom seems impressed that he's maintaining four active bands, but Marky says it's all the same guys. He admits to regularly changing the band names so he can charge difference prices for his roster of acts. The Marky Ramone Group is currently the most lucrative draw because it's the newest. Tom assumes fans are excited to hear some new material, but Marky says they never get it. He is certain that his fans and Tom will be really excited about some big news. Marky makes sure that Tom is strapped in and helmeted to receive it without injury. He doesn't think Tom will ever guess what he's about to announce. Tom thinks he has an idea and suggests that he write it down to see if he's right. Marky agrees to let Tom write down his predilection and then reveal it after he says what it is. Tom lets the grammar mishap slide and gives him the floor.

Marky announces that he's putting out a Marky Ramone condom as part of his signature Marky Ramone Safer Sex Kit. Tom actually read about it online at Shovel.com. The prophylactic tagline is "Too Tuff To Break," a play on Too Tough To Die, the title of The Ramones' 1984 album that Marky did not play on. Tom knew that Richie Ramone played drums on that record. Marky says he thought Richie used too many jazz fills, but Tom actually thought it was one of the more driving Ramones albums. Marky says that if he was playing on it, Tom would have heard the 1/8th notes on the high hats a lot clearer than what Richie was doing. Despite this criticism, Marky does not want to slag Richie off or nothin'. Tom thinks that he kind of just slagged him off, but Marky argues that he's just offering a constructive critique that is permissible per the Drummer's Code. Marky grants Tom card blanche to critique his drumming. Tom says he's not a drummer, modestly ignoring his stellar work with Von Scharpling, but he thinks Marky gets the job done. Marky wonders if that's the best critique Tom can offer. Tom says his drumming is solid, ably holding down the beat and keeping everything on time. Marky is disappointed that Tom did not mention the speed of his 1/8th notes on the high hat. Tom explains that since he's not a drummer, the more complicated techniques go over his head.

Marky wants to know what Tom thought he was going to announce. Tom reveals that his silly predilection was that Marky was going to announce his candidacy for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial race. Marky recalls playing in Newbridge a couple of years ago with The Intrudahs. He says the show was supposed to be at The Palladium, but then it got moved down to The Colisuem. The show was bumped again to a club called Buzzy's. Marky says he was supposed to play Buzzy's proper, but he ended up at Buzzy's Downstairs, a smaller room in the basement. He thinks Newbridge is a nice town, and he's kinda intrigued about the hotly-contested election. After just a few moments of reflection, Marky decides to throw his leather jacket into the ring. He says he will get an apartment in Newbridge to fulfill the rather lax (a cot or P.O. Box will suffice) residence requirements. Marky believes he could really help the town by addressing issues like the sinkhole located the edge of town near Lake Newbridge right where Tinkerbell's Tennis Teepee was before it sunk. He remembers hearing something about attempts to fill the increasingly large hole with colored stones. Tom said town officials unsuccessfully tried to turn it into a tourist attraction with rides. Marky loves the idea and wants to do Marky Ramone's Fun Park. Tom confirms that this is not a Ramones-themed amusement park, which is already on the fringes of entertainment, but a Marky-centric attraction. Marky does him one better by suggesting a Marky Ramone and The Intrudahs park. He's confident that after its success, there would be companion parks for The Speedkings, the Marky Ramone Band, and the Marky Ramone Group.

Tom gets something caught in his throat and excuses his coughs. Marky recommends Marky Ramone signature throat lozenges, which will be out in 4 months. Tom wonders why anyone would back a lozenge with his endorsement. He doesn't think Marky has much credibility for this type of product. Marky says he's always been known for his crystal clear voice, so people will use the lozenges to gain similar clarity. Tom doesn't recall hearing Marky sing that much. Marky says he doesn't do any singing -- he was referring to his renowned speaking voice. He assumes Tom had to adjust his levels because he was so clear. Tom did not have to do this. Marky plans to run on a Gabba Gabba Hey platform, and Tom correctly predilects that the audience will say "Gabba Gabba Hey" when Marky comes out to make a campaign speech. Marky thinks Tom must be in his mind. Supporters will also start chanting something else when they are waiting for his arrival. He doesn't think Tom will ever get it because he's so stupid. Tom guesses "lobotomy." It's another Ramones catchphrase: "Hey, ho, let's go!"

Marky bluntly declares that his act in office will be to kill Tom. Tom thought he and Marky were on friendly terms. He has no idea why Marky is so mad at him. Marky says he turned on Tom because he's stupid. He plans to play 1/8th notes on his head, wrap him up in a custom-made leather jacket, and do a bunch of hard rolls with his signature Pro-Mark drumsticks. Tom asks Marky if those sticks are 5B. He thinks Tom must be kidding because he uses 2Bs, heavier, more manly sticks that give you more oomph from the 1/8th notes on the high hat. Tom says he thought Marky would opt for a lighter stick because he's playing so fast. Marky feared that Tom was going to make a crack about his age. Tom denies it. Marky thinks Tom is just digging it deeper and deeper and deeper. Consequently, he will punish Tom by playing harder and harder and harder on his head. Tom informs Marky that he misinterpreted an insult that he never made. Marky misinterprets this explanation as Tom admitting to insulting him. Tom says that he is incorrectly processing his words as insults. Marky asks Tom to process what he will do to him. He grabs his sticks and gives Tom a preview of what he will bang out on his head. He returns to the phone to reprise his opening melody: "Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba, you're gonna get murded."

Tom has no idea what he did to deserve the death threat, but he suspects it's the same thing the listeners did to deserve a second dose of ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" and Dengue Fever's "Tiger Phone Card". He went back to the well on ABBA because Tommert didn't like it the first time around. Tom approves of the band standing firm on licensing fees required for John McCain to use the song at his campaign rallies.

Tom enjoyed last week's much-needed Roger Clemens congressional hearings about decade-old Jose Canseco get-togethers and buttock abscesses. He thought it was very important that the committee aimed its focus on figuring out whether a 47-year-old baseball player, who is built like one of the creatures in Where The Wild Things Are, took steroids and HGH. Tom thought Clemens looked like he was turning into a Caucasian Hulk as he became increasingly enraged with his former trainer's testimony. Tom thinks Clemens is a great guy. He was pleased that politicians were concerned with an issue that affects so many Americans.

- While Mike couldn't vouche for him, Steve from North Weird-O-Wood obliterates the 30-second rule with an auspicious debut. Since it's cold and rainy, he has the time to stay inside and stream the show live. Tom wonders if he's taking rare refuge from his job as a street performer. Steve says Tuesday is usually his only night off, so he's always out running crazy errands and doing classes. Tom wants to make sure he's not rollerblading in Venice Beach. Steve assures him that he refrains from that as much as possible, especially since Venice is too much of a trek for him.

Mike let Steve through because he has a promising idea for a 2008 Best Show slogan: There Will Be GOMPs. Tom thinks it's really good and envisions it with the same lettering and Bible-leather background. Steve is also a fan of Tom v. Everyone, which he would gladly vote for in a general election if TWBG gets knocked out in the primaries. Tom says that people thought TvE was too negative, so there was a general shift to Us vs. Them. He rejects the move from Star Wars to Star Trek -- the power of the individual to a united society -- because he's not sure who is included in the "us" collective. Is it James? Julie from Cincinnati? Hesh? He doesn't even know if Mike is on his side half the time. Steve points out that Mike lets questionable callers like Spike and James on the air and serves as an accomplice to the people raining death threats on Tom. Steve doesn't hate Spike, but he doesn't want to be lumped into a group with him. Tom points out that whenever the WFMU marathon comes around, Spike goes the way of the dodo bird. When it's pledge time, he's off at one of his Tuesday night costume parties.

Steve is a very short-term listener so he's not too familiar with the annual pledge drive. His brother, John from Harrisburg, hooked him up with funny clips, and he's in his fourth week of proper fandom. Tom dares to say that Steve is a prime candidate for the 2008 Rookie of the Year trophy. He is showing Tom something tonight, exhibiting none of the stammering or stuttering that marred Eddie's first call. Tom thinks Steve has a fearless streak a la Sam Cassell. Steve admits to being nervous because he doesn't want to get GOMPed. However, if the call ends amicably, he gives Tom the go-ahead to GOMP him just for fun because There Will Be GOMPs, whether people deserve them or not. Tom likes Steve's self-sacrificing attitude and willingness to jump on the GOMPgrendade. He wishes every caller took this generous approach. Steve says it's worth it because there bigger things besides each of us alone, and The Best Show is one such thing. Tom salutes a top-shelf call. He says that Steve just bought Mike three mutant calls, including one from his not-so-apt pupil Larry the Perv.

Tom tells the young padawan that he still has a lot to learn about the show after only a month of listening. Steve says his brother continues to tutor him, and he's been studying up on the exploits of Timmy von Trimble and Philly Boy Roy. He's hungry for more. Tom calls him a champ and says he'd earn ROY honors over Julie from Cincinnati if they were given out tonight. Steve is up for the challenge of the long journey through 2008.

- Sarah reminds Tom on the chat about Jonah Bayer's recent article describing the show's comedy stylings as "... essentially the Jerky Boys for the indie-snob sect." What? Tom considers Bayer to be a nice guy and a friend, but he can't believe he missed the boat that badly. Tom can't even expound on it beyond repeating those three dreaded words: The Jerky Boys. Tom fails to see any creative kinship with the abusive, profane Frank Rizzo telling people that he will rap them in the head with a ratchet for a variety of mysterious transgressions. The Jerky Boys. The Jerky Boys. Tom is still digesting it a week after its publication.

The Bayer piece led Tom to check out the fancy The Jerky Boys website, which is exclusively a Johnny Brennan enterprise after Kamal got shuttled. In addition to removing the plural, Tom would dump the entire "boy" because Brennan looks like he's 60. The site features a merchandise section where silly-assed rubbernecks can purchase ultra-glossy 8x10s of horrible caricatures of their most favorite, hilarious, and horrific characters autographed by their legendary "creator", Mr. Brennan. Tom wonders if Brennan fancies himself another Walt Disney dream maker. You can choose different poses of Rizzo, flamboyantly Jewish Sol Rosenberg, or flamboyantly gay Jack Tors to accompany a personalized greeting. If you prefer something a bit more intimate than hilarious drawings, you can purchase an 8x10 of Johnny B for the same low price of $24.95 plus $4.65 for USPS Priority Shipping. Tom can't believe Brennan is making people foot the postage bill to the cent.

The image shows Brennan, sporting a "cool" leather jacket, standing behind a cheap desk in a makeshift office, surrounded by his characters like Walt Disney amidst the dwarves (as in Snow White's seven, not HeWhoCannotBeNamed) and Mickey Mouse. Tom thinks the office is something out of one of the elaborate cons in David Mamet's The Spanish Prisoner, a fake location that could be easily disassembled without a trace (probably by Ricky Jay) 90 minutes after construction. He also admires the modern decor, complete with racks of CASSettes (I enhanced the image and spotted The Offspring's Smash, Filter's Short Bus, and Bush's Razorblade Suitcase) and a circa-1996 computer monitor. Tom wonders if he could get Johnny B to insult himself in the personalized greeting. He would test how far the Jerky Man would go for $24.95 with a request for "I, Johnny Brennan, am the least talented man alive." The Jerky Boys. Tom points out that he's not bothering people at home. His show brings joy to people instead of torturing some poor slob working in a garage to put food on his family's table. Tom hopes the derelict monster gets pranked while he's waiting for an important call from his accountant during tax season. The Jerky Boys.

Tom is convinced that Brennan will do anything for money to cling to the scraps of his fading "career." If Tom contacted Brennan about attending a party where people would hit him with fungo bats as he walks through a "gauntlet of horror" followed by a blast from a fire hose that would launch him 20 feet into a stack of bricks, he would likely work out an appearance fee of at least $850. Tom wonders if the practice of typing "first" in the comment sections of online discussions is the modern equivalent of prank phone calls. He looks forward to Alan Arkin's work in First: The Movie, where he would reprise his confused mobster from The Jerky Boys film, wondering what is going on with all these message board firsts.

- Martin from Edison calls to suggest bringing Johnny B into the studio for the marathon to raise money by subjecting him to humiliations. Tom says he doesn't want to be near that guy, even if it's for a good cause. Martin realizes that it would be difficult to get him to leave. Tom has picked up on a mutant trend with people like The Kid from Brooklyn, a 750-lb. blob who doesn't let his first-grade education prevent him from voicing foul-mouthed opinions on every subject under the guise of populist straight-shooting. TKFB now offers a premium membership where you can pay to get exclusive video rants. Tom thinks the reality of this misguided monetization hit home after nobody paid for the content to offset the costs of the increassed bandwidth. Tom points out that nobody is willing to pay a penny for this brand of "entertainment." Martin pulls up the website and is horrified by what he sees. He also discovers that The Kid From Brooklyn is not a kid at all. (Nor is he from Brooklyn.) Martin was expecting someone in their early 20s. Tom thinks The Kid is getting crushed under the weight of his hat. He also can't believe the rude monster wrote a book with a predelictably profane title: Go F*** YOURSELF: The Kid From Brooklyn's Book of Rants and Other Stuff. Tom says TKFB probably thinks a book is just a magazine with sturdier binding.

(This clip contains rampant filth)

Tom saw a clip of The Kid From Brooklyn arguing with his equally obese rival, The Guy From Boston (seen here with his #1 Fan). He's distressed that copycats are making TKFB look like some kind of trailblazing Thomas Edision for loudmouth video blogs. Mike says that he heard about a guy from Queens doing the same thing. Tom decides that it's time to stop the Internet. He considers going to The Kid's March 20th book signing at a Barnes & Noble in Edgewater, N.J. so he can see them wheel the monster into the store to the delight of people who can't even read. Tom wonders what he's waiting for when the likes of The Kid From Brooklyn are published authors. He thinks TKFB's bespectacled face on the book jacket looks like a melting John Lennon.

Martin says he was unable to nab a volunteer slot for The Best Show. He opted for Teenage Wasteland, but Tom thinks he may need some extra, non-phone help. Martin says he'll do whatever it takes. Tom asks him if he would be willing to pick up The Kid from Brooklyn and bring him to the studio. Martin requests a dumptruck to transport a man of this size.

- Matthew from Greenpoint asks Tom if he's ever considered pranking The Kid from Brooklyn like his 2003 call to country superstar Kenny DuPree. Tom is not interested in conversing with a guy who would let someone push him out of an airplane while equipped with a possibly broken parachute for the right price. He thinks The Kid from Brooklyn is an example of what you get when real-life writers take over for the pros: the rise of the blobs. Matthew also hopes to get a spot on Tom's additional volunteer staff. Tom fires him up about the glossy, shiny, 16x24 poster, t-shirt, and sticker trifecta.

- Tom puts a topic on the table to find out what listeners thought they figured out before discovering that they were the problem. For example, Tom was hearing all about Neil Gaiman's GRAPHIC NOVEL The Sandman, but he couldn't get off the ground with it. He didn't like it even a little bit. Years later he realized his mistake. Boom. Click. The book did not stink.

Tom quickly trashes this topic in favor of three more violent options:

1. Who would you like to launch into the middle of the ocean via a giant catapult?

2. Who would you like to lure into a patch of quicksand?

3. Who would you want to subject to Willy Wonka's torture devices: chocolate river suction tubes, the TeeVee, flesh-ripping squirrels, or the full-meal chewing gum that turns you into a bulging blueberry.

Tom thinks the eccentric candyman had problems, and he doesn't understand how his factory passed inspections. He's not sure if the Oompa-Loompas were wearing gloves, but he is sure that squirrels running around candy vats is a clear health code violation. Tom decides to return to his original idea to stay positive. You learned a lesson, you grew, and it made you go Nooow I Get It.

- Julie from Cincinnati calls to say that someone recommended The Sandman to her as a suitable follow-up to The Kid From Brooklyn's James Aggey's A Death in the Family, which changed her life and stuck in her brain. She thought the first book wasn't bad, but it didn't quite deliver the cranial adhesion she was after. Tom is concerned that Julie is calling to tell him that he is wrong, but she assures him that he's perfect. Julie is disappointed that Tom abandoned the Willy Wonka torture devices because she'd like to throw her COMrade (aka co-worker) into one. Tom GOMPs her on suspicions of being a COMmunist like the retiring Fidel Castro. This is America! Land of apple pie and Mozart!

Mike praises Tom for doing a very topical program in the spirit of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olberland. Tom thinks that he needs to start going off on Olberlandish tears during the show. He goes to CNN to see what he could get mad about. Mike mentions the controversy regarding Michelle Oblama's comments about being proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. Needles to say, Maurice Kern and his Houston cronies really ran with that one. Tom starts looking fodder for a Bush rant, and he becomes bored with the opening graph of a story about the President's elation over his warm welcome in Tanzania. Mike doesn't think anyone pays attention to the lame duck these days. Tom thinks he could probably pull off a rant from his memory of past incompetence. He desperately wants to carve out a niche and stop trying to be everything to everybody. The Dolt From Brooklyn locked down a niche, even if it is a terrible one. Tom visits the George Bush website to see if the President updated his blog. He does not enjoy the weird content, which includes a merch section with plush RNC elephants that only a monster would give to a kid.

(The Handburger clip contains toiletries.)

- Nate from St. Paul says he was wrong about the crazy French robot-disco funk duo Daft Punk. After getting on board for their debut album Homework, he fell out with their music by the time Discovery was release four years later. Nate ignored recommendations from his friends to give the band another try, but he caught a few songs on the radio and got it again. Tom wants him to say it. Nate obliges: Daft Punk ... Nooow I Get It. Tom's not crazy about the Neil Handburger delivery, but he'll take it. He reprises the Daft Punk renewal with a bang-on Handburger impression. He notes that Handburger is another performer who found a niche.

Tom considers trying to finish his On the Air book in the next week and rush it into production at some crummy e-press. He is driven up the wall by the fact that The Kid from Brooklyn lays his fat head on the pillow knowing he's an author just like Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, George Carlin, and Dennis Miller, who has 10 rant compendiums even though nobody likes him. I'm excited about The God of Thunder's forthcoming prostitution retrospective (featuring a cover design from our very own KickTheBobo!). Mike suggests that Tom could join these prestigious ranks by just transcribing shows and releasing them in book form.

- Lisa from peaceful Bedford-Stuyvesant says she's never seen a guy rolling around town on a Rascal Scooter, although she has seen some fat guys. Tom believes The Kid From Brooklyn's size is partly the result of consuming The Gorch. Lisa says that Brooklyn is embarassed to be linked to this blob.

She says she used to think Morrissey sucked because he was really whiny and boring. Tom is taken aback by the assessment and confirms that she is talking about the lead singer for The Smiths. Lisa says she found him depressed and annoying. Tom wonders what evidence she assembled for this surprising take. Lisa says it was mainly his lyrics and crooning. Tom seems to finally get it. After her heart was broken, Lisa realized that Morrissey was right: life does suck. His music helped her heal and now she is cheerful again. Tom GOMPs Lisa for not committing to pledge next week. He bans her for 10 years, a somber decade in the dark that will undoubtedly be soundtracked by an endless loop of Viva Hate Pit and Kill Uncle.

- Mainiac FOT calls from the edge of Western Maine, a land cloaked in mystery and fear that he can see from the high point of his drive home. He says that he could not connect with Chris Elliot's humor after two episodes of Get a Life. MFOT initially thought it was the dumbest thing he had ever seen, but he stuck with it and eventually realized that he was too thick to appreciate what was going on. He has loved it ever since. Unlike Lisa, MFOT commits to pledge next week. He also gives his support to the TvE and TWBG slogan entries while offering two more candidates, bringing his nomination total to 38 slogans.

1. The Best Show: The Best Show

2. The Best Show: No Slogan Needed

Tom rejects them on the grounds of excess cockiness. He's here for the fight to earn his superlatives. MFOT says that Tom has already earned it in his mind, but Tom does not want to lapse into complacency.

- Eric from Bushwick says he came around to the benefits of excercise and healthy eating. During his teen years, he subsisted on a steady diet of burgers and television, which lead to weight gain. He used to make fun of excercise shows, but by age 22 his substantial gut convinced him to make a change. He's not the slimmest guy around, but he took it to heart. He commits to pledging next week.

**********

As a show of solidarity for Podcast Lackey Mel, a Best Show evergreen and Proud Patriot, only 1:22:22 of this program will be recapped. I salute him for a stellar 104-1 record.

On the Next ... The Best Show on WFMU: There Will Be Yelling and Pledging. The goal is $1,000,000 in two weeks. Do the right thing to support another 50 years of the finest high school radio station the world has ever seen. Tom dipped into his wallet, now you dip into yours.

Posted by Omar at 3:04 PM | Permalink

Really? You have to pay for these now?

The Beastles want their royalty check...

Posted by mixednut at 11:21 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 9:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

Love, McNulty.

[via haughey]

Posted by x amount at 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

Dear Courageous Congressmen,

I am writing to salute your work in investigating whether or not Roger Clemens attended a party at the home of Jose Canseco 10 years ago. If it's not too much trouble, please send me an autographed, glossy photo of one of Mr. Clemens's alleged steroid-induced buttock abscesses. I want to hang it in my home gymnasium.

I look forward to Mr. Specter's upcoming hearings on whether or not that sad, hoodie-crazed ape spied on the Rams before that Super Bowl.

Thanks!

-o.

Posted by Omar at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Alright, this is the big one. This is the big one. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you tonight, Tom. All eyes. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. All eyes on you. Let's do this! Let's just do it! That's enough!" -- Tom, gearing up for his latest battle v. everyone

"What? February? Whatever. You know how I am with that stuff -- I just go where I'm told." -- Tom, willing to accept that the Presidential election was taking place tonight

"I'm trying to set up, you know, some mystery that will never be solved, nor will it be remembered." -- PFT, explaining his decision not to reveal his take on the Best Caller award

"He looks like an uncaged ape on the sideline that they put a sweatshirt over. Get like a XXXXXL sweatshirt and put it on that monster." -- Tom on the terminally dour, subhuman Bill Belichick

"I look at him as my oxygen and that he lets me know that I can escape. He's my batteries. He's our batteries. It's not just me -- there's other people in the Spike Fan Club." -- Dylan Milford, supporting his personal Gandhi on behalf of the Los Angeles chapter

"I think we're gonna have to break up that batch 'cause I'm starting to want to go home now." -- Tom, looking for something positive after opening with the Saddest/Most Delusional awards

"I'm picturing myself getting robbed. Getting stabbed, arrested, I don't know what. They're all my DVDs, these are not stolen, but still my mind is racing." -- Tom, fontasizing during a harrowing Craigslist drop-off

"I guess it's a fine line with Mike. I think maybe it's domestic cinema that throws him. The Germans he's okay with." -- Best Best Show recapper Omar, contemplating Mike's rejection of the final scene of There Will Be Blood

"He just did what Hal Holbrook is doing for Best Supporting Actor, but for the award Most Pathetic Caller. The judges might have to look at the winner again on that." - Tom on James lobbying for his statuette

"I kinda pretend that I need it, but it's basically for slashing. Slashing and slicing. As you will see. And feel." -- Kip Palfner, renewing his award-winning razor cane threat against Tom

"I don't own a dog. I own dragons. They sound like dogs sometimes when they get very excited, kind of like you when your voice modulates." -- Gene Simmons, explaining the origins of the barking sounds that erupted during his call

[TBSOWFMU - 2/5/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Drive-By Truckers - "The Righteous Path"

( Click here to buy Brighter Than Creation's Dark)

King Khan & The Shrines - "Welfare Bread"

( Click here to buy What Is?!)

Warm Gun - "Broken Windows"

( Click here to grab the rest of this EP)

Mangapop - "Nowhere"

( Click here to buy the Kiss My Mouth single)

Bob Mould - "Who Needs To Dream?"

( Click here to buy District Line)

Black Mountain - "Angels"

( Click here to buy In The Future Deluxe Edition)

Magnetic Fields - "Drive On, Driver"

( Click here to buy Distortion)

Altered Images - "Happy Birthday"

( Click here to buy I Could Be Happy: The Best of Altered Images)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Happy Birthday to Tom Scharpling! 21 Years Young on Feb. 9th! (and Bday wishes to the jam-eating, shirt-bootlegging Samir!)

This is the big one. All eyes on Tom. Tonight may be the most exciting show ever for two reasons:

1. The catchily-named, first annual The Best Show on WFMU Best Show on WFMU Awards

2. The crowning of a new President of the United States

Tom is very curious to see who it will be. He went online to figure out how to vote, but he couldn't locate the proper polling website. Tom suspects it had something to do with the Internet cookies in his machine. He hopes the listeners were more successful in performing their civic duty. Tom discovers that "Super Tuesday" does not mean that a new President will be elected tonight. Instead, 24 states are holding primaries or caucuses to help determine the eventual nominee from each major party for the general election in November. Tom did find it a bit odd that the vote was happening in early February, but he went along with it. He goes where he's told when it comes to politics. Let's hope he figures this stuff out by the time the July Mayubernatorial election is held.

Tom gets the awards extravagonza started with a call from Paul F. Thompson Tompkins, a professional comedian based in Hollywood, CA. Apparently real-life comedian Spike was unable to craft six goofball jokes for the opening monologue. PFT, an able fill-in, says it's delightful to join Tom on this very exciting evening. The anticipation has been high for awhile (approx. one week), and the presumably-besuited PFT is sure that people honored Tom's requested for formal attire. He, and everyone else, is looking forward to either winning or hearing about awards. Tom imagines that plenty of people are sitting on the edge of their seats, or, in some cases, orange crates. PFT agrees with everything Tom said except for the word "some." He thinks "most cases" is a more accurate assessment of the prevalence of this makeshift furniture. Tom estimates a 60/40 crate/seat split. PFT commends him for his trademark generosity. Tom reconsiders some of the nominees for tonight's less prestigious awards and amends the breakdown to 80/20. PFT asks Tom how many people are listening to the show illegally, even though it's widely available for free. Tom believes 82% of his audience is listening via stolen Wi-Fi signals, stolen radio devices, or in the comfort of someone else's home. PFT thinks this crime rate is quite high. Tom spins it as proof that this awards show is for the slobs, not some some snootfest like the Nobel Peace Prize. PFT appears to embrace the non-elitist approach, wondering who those Nobel eggheads think they are.

He asks Tom what he's wearing on such a momentous occasion. Tom stuck with his usual garb: rock t-shirt (wonder if it was the R.E.M. shirt that inspired the Hammerhead reprimand at that 1983 NBHC show), cut-offs, and a trenchcoat. Tom quickly remembers that he is not Kevin Smith. He compares the notion of having this evil twin to something out of The Three, Donald Kaufman's "psychologically taut" (per Kaufman's mother) 2002 thriller. PFT mentions that during recent TiVo viewings of Adaptation., he fast-forwarded past the Meryl Streep-Chris Cooper scenes. He watches half of it, and it all works out just fine. Tom says he will try this adaptation.

PFT's comedy fame includes hosting "The Paul F. Tompkins Show" each month at Largo, a Los Angeles nightclub. PFT skipped over Black History Month due to February's brevity, but he will return on March 1st to kick off Women's History Month. Tom hopes that PFT will acknowledge the celebration during his show. PFT says he will institute a special "Ladies Night" with half-price well drinks for the first hour. If ladies pay with Susan B. Anthony dollars, they will also get half off the admission. Tom urges L.A.-area females to dig around the bottom of their coin jars to take advantage of this great deal. PFT says that if they can find five SBA dollars, they will get in for $5. Tom has had enough of the banter with the panel. It's time for the awards. He runs down the categories for PFT:

• Rookie of the Year
• Most Delusional Caller
• Saddest Caller
• Best Best Show Recapper
• Best Guest
• Worst Caller
• Best GOMP
• Best/Most Violent Threat (to Tom)
• Best Caller

Tom will present himself with the long overdue Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn Award for Lifetime Achievement in Humor. He initially refused the award because he wanted to remain in active competition and win the lovely bugger outright. However, he changed his mind after realizing that it was a great honor to bestow upon yourself. Tom and PFT discuss the speech Hal Holbrook would give if he won an improbable Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work as Father Malone in John Carpenter's The Fog. In addition to his director, he would thank co-star Adrienne Barbeau and special-effects artists Rob Bottin and Tom Savini for creating the ghoul pirates. PFT adds Keith David to Holbrook's list in a JC universe mix-up -- David appeared in They Live. The speech would take an incendiary political turn with a plea for more genocide in Darfur. Holbrook would spare himself the indignity of an inevitably harsh backlash by falling asleep and dying on stage amidst a chorus of boos. In advance of the ceremony, he used some of his Mark Twain Tonight cash to purchase a fog machine that a stagehand will crank up for his big death scene. PFT has a follow-up to Tom's question about the origins of the "Oh, hello ..." introduction for one-person theatrical shows. His friend traces it to a one-woman Emily Dickinson show in which the poet notices the audience when she looks up from reading a book. PFT is amazed that Holbrook's still-running Twain show premiered on Broadway back in the 1960s, and Tom notes that Twain died 30 years younger than Holbrook is now.

PFT says that Tom is deserving of the Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn Award because he has made us laugh, think, and angry about important things like movies. Tom says that Human Giant directore Jason Woliner primed the pump by sending him a Juno screenplay from Amazon. Mr. Woliner won't let it rest, and PFT proposes a Most Stick-Poking/Bear-Baiting category based on his skewed version of gift-giving. He congratulates all of the Best Show nominees, including those who would not have been recognized unless they were high, afraid to talk to women, or both. Tom thinks these people will be very excited to hear their names called out on the radio after that tribute. PFT clarifies that he was just pointing out that those attributes have finally paid off for some listeners. 2008 is all about lemonade. It's time for the first award of the evening.

Saddest Caller

James

Hesh

Boring Owen

Spike

Winner: Hesh / Accepted by Mike the Associate Producer

"I don't have any friends. Come on! I'm Hesh! I'm like a 4' 5" midget doing a dance thing or whatever." -- Hesh on his Heshiness, 7/17/07

Mike is not surprised that Hesh's classic flameout took the prize. PFT refers to the winning clip as "chilling." He remembers hearing the sad call on the original broadcast and finds it much more brutal in isolation. Tom agrees that it was pretty depressing. PFT wishes he could listen to the rest of the broadcast, but he must get ready for a match fight with the cast of In Treatment. He says all the nominees are winners and losers in his book. Watch the skies!

Legend has it that the RMS Titanic sunk after striking an iceberg during its maiden voyage, but Tom knows the truth: hubris downed that ill-fated vessel. He witnessed a similarly spectacular collision last Sunday night when the New York football Giants vanquished the previously-unbeaten New England Patriots in the best Super Bowl eva. Tom says he was delighted by this tantalizing reversal of fate. In a nutshell, the Good Guys won and the cheaters were humiliated in front of the entire world. He thinks the Patriots would have been better off losing a regular season game in October or November instead of the championship game in February, rendering their season a bust and ending their quest for perfection on the biggest stage. Tom is very critical of Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, a skilled but polarizing figure known for his humorless, grunt-laden press conferences, casual gameday attire, and collection of surveillance equipment. He says the pathetic, troll-like monster looked like an uncaged ape with a XXXXXL sweatshirt draped over him as he prowled the sidelines. Tom is glad he lost because he didn't want to see this grump do his happy routine and finally crack a smile after a season-long depression. The bottom line: You lost, you're out, stay sad!

Tom has no sympathy for the moaning Patriots fans who were far from humble when their supposed greatest team ever was steamrolling the competition. He points out that they are just mad about getting scorched when everybody was watching. Tom wishes that the rest of the world worked as effectively and karmically as the justice doled out two nights ago on the gridiron. He then makes himself laugh by suggesting that half of the Patriots thought they were playing in the Puppy Bowl. Tom says he was shocked that the canine competition has progressed to the point where a participant was tossed for roughhousing. After issuing a second warning for jumping all over the place, Cliff Givens blew his whistle and ejected an overly aggressive Morkie named Tucker. Tom later claims the NYG trophy on behalf of New Jersey because they play their home games at the Meadowlands.

- A caller asks Tom if he's on the air at WFMU. Tom confirms that he is on the air. The caller asks Tom if he just said that he was on the air at WFMU, and then he asked Tom if he was on the air at WFMU. Tom reconfirms that he is on the air. The caller apologizes for asking if he was on the air after Tom told him he was on the air. He feels bad that he wasted time at the start of the call. Tom tells him that he will just move forward because the call is in fact being broadcast over the WFMU airwaves.

The caller identifies himself as Dylan Milford, the President of the Los Angeles Chapter of the Spike Fan Club. He says that while they are small in number, they are big in spirit when it comes to their fandom. Dylan wishes multiple-nominee Spike the best on behalf of his L.A. supporters. He relays the club's hopes that Spike gets the awards tonight that they're hoping he gets. Dylan says they are all figuratively poised behind Spike like a million motorcycles. Since there are not a million members in the club, some motorcycles would be left unattended at this rally. Dylan says they will simply each sit on a motorcycle and start revving it to honor their hero. He abruptly changes the subject to the cubed potatoes in Dinty Moore® beef stew. Dylan wonders what the company does with the leftover parts of the potatoes that don't make the final cut of their flagship entree. He thinks Dinty Moore should market these "throwaway potatoes" (w/ sauce) in a different can at a lower retail price. He says he just got this idea and decided to say it on the air. Tom's intrigued, but he doesn't think the regular beef stew is particularly expensive. Dylan cedes victory to Tom on this point. However, he asks Tom to think about how this new alternative would further reduce the already attractive price of the beef stew, which he does enjoy in its existing composition. Tom is not sure how this potato rescue mission ties back to wishing Spike the best of luck on tonight's show.

Dylan says that Spike gives his fans the confidence to embrace their ideas and see where they lead. He views Spike as his oxygen, someone who lets him know that he can escape to a better place. Dylan says Spike is the batteries that allow him and the other fan club members to function. Tom has a difficult time picturing Spike as a lifeforce or escape route for anyone. Dylan compares Spike's disciples to the tiny group of people who found inspiration in Gandhi's message of nonviolent resistance. He admits to not seeing the Sexy Beast guy movie about him, but he thinks the spiritual leader only had 20 followers. He believes that Spike is further proof that a small group of people can band together to do a very small thing. Dylan wants to know what Spike is going to be rewarded, so Tom decides to give out the award for Most Delusional Caller. Per Dylan's request, he changes the category name to reflect that it is his opinion. Dylan takes a moment to tell the listeners that he is lodging his phone between his jaw and right-shoulder so he can cross his fingers for a Spike victory.

Most Delusional Caller (in Tom's Opinion)

Clark ("Venison Stew" podcaster)

Stevie Blue (Martina McBride enthusiast)

Spike (Queens dominatrix)

James (Mutant)

Paul from Tennessee (Wealthy law student/world traveler)

Winner: Clark / Accepted by Mike the Associate Producer

Clark out in Union returns to the WFMU airwaves after an extended hiatus. He was flipping around the Internet radio dial and landed on Tom's air hockey riff. Clark says it gave him a rush of nostalgia, but he really called to offer some poetic justice. After a few starts and stops, Clark launches into a seemingly Bob-inspired take on anorexic female celebrities getting busted for drunk driving. He mentions that one of these troubled starlets was charged with a second DUI, but only spent three hours in jail. Clark says he's not sure if it was Lindsay Lohan because he doesn't keep up with that "Hollywood crap." Hello! Get ready. Here it comes. He thinks a judge should sentence these might-be-Lohans to serve the community by driving around with Ted Kennedy. Tom really enjoys this brand of comedic justice. Clark is confident that this dangerous assignment will cure 'em! He's done it again, and Tom hopes he keeps calling. Ew buoy. (9/11/07)

Dylan, apparently not too upset with the unfavorable result, informs Tom that he's in a restroom filled with a collection of carved soaps. He's particularly taken with a moon-shaped soap and conjures an astronaut-werewolf who may or may not obtain superman powers by walking on a lunar surface. Dylan compares this scenario to the energy surge he would receive by standing atop Spike. He thinks Spike would respect his honesty in acknowledging that Clark dipped deeper into the delusional well for the winning call. Dylan politely asks to be excused from the telephone because he forget to peel back the plastic on the dessert portion of his frozen dinner. The oversight created a pressure bubble that caused the chocolate on the top of the brownie to leak into the green beans compartment. Tom understands the urgency of this culinary infiltration and assures Dylan that Spike appreciates his support. Dylan signs off by declaring The Best Show on WFMU #1.

Best GOMPs, Part 1

1. Trifecta from Hypnotherapist Brian:

Brian announces that he's been holding. Tom GOMPs (1) him, and Mike erupts in hearty laughter. Tom points out that he's not running a party line where multiple callers go on the air simultaneously. Mike says the caller wanted to complain about his guidance counselor. Tom thinks he should get over it, although he'd love to rub his loser guidance counselor's face in his success. Evan "Funk" Davies says he never had any guidance. Tom's heard tale of people getting rid of their hi-fi television systems and towns abandoning libraries because the WFMU Power Tuesday lineup is all the entertainment they require. Brian calls back to inform Tom that he hung up on him because he said he'd been on hold. Tom does it again (2). He doesn't like Brian's telephone tough guy tone. He's breaking him down to build him back up.

Brian returns to the fold after learning his lesson. He says that his guidance counselor told him that he'd never live up to his potential. It haunted him for his entire life, but now he feels wonderful about being a hypnotist. Tom asks Brian if he does a carnival/night club act where he gets people to think they're chickens. Brian says he practices hypnotherapy to help people. Now Tom gets it: he's a fraud. He also wonders how Brian can be a hypnotist without a German accent. Brian says he's German, and he turns the accent on for showtime. Tom wants to know what kind of old-fashioned watch he waves in front of people's faces, but Brian says he just talks to them without using a timepiece. Tom asks Brian to take out his watch fob and perform a 60-second hypnotism. Brian obliges him. He asks Tom to close his eyes and focus on his voice. He tells Tom to relax and focus on the space he's in. Tom's deep breathing yields heavy eyelids. He's peaceful as he slips under the spell of his master. Brian instructs Tom to open his eyes, and Tom starts clucking like a chicken. It appears to have worked, but Brian doesn't seemed pleased with the results. He tells Tom that he'll feel like a duck in a moment. Tom starts aggressively quacking on cue. Brian starts the countdown to bring Tom back: 1-2-3-GOMP! (3!) Tom feared that he'd be instructed to rob a bank. Brian is no Gregor McWilliams, that's for sure. (2/20/07)

2. Mr. Grindhouse:

A caller expresses (starts at 2:26) disbelief at Tom's failure to enjoy Griiiindhouse, especially Planet Terror. He thought RR's effort was a hilarious laff riot. Despite not drinking until after the screening, he and his friend hooted and hollered for its entire running time. Tom tells the caller that he is completely wrong. The caller wants Tom to back up his argument with some content. Tom says that RR pulled out all the stops to make the worst movie he could. The caller embraces this approach, suggesting that it was an effective send-up of the horror genre. He wants to view the film again so he can takes notes. Tom wishes him good luck in finding it. Tom starts to make a Best Show analogy, but he pauses to GOMP the caller for daring to compare him to the wit of quip-happy Robert Benchley instead of a legit funnyman. Tom says that Griiiindhouse would be like him climbing down from the Everest-like heights of The Best Show to pay tribute to the crazed guy in the dunk tank cage because he thought that was funny when he was nine years old. Tom would throw out everything he's ever learned about anything just so he could replicate his childhood hero, who, in retrospect, was terrible. Tom will no do this. (4/17/07).

3. Redeeming Rainbow:

Dan McNamara calls to say the worst thing to be attached to in the bayou is a talking rainbow from the sky because they tend to be incredibly annoying. Tom gives Dan the go-ahead to promote his website, but Dan says PBS is handling the marketing campaign for Redeeming Rainbow. He thinks it's stupid, and Tom agrees. He GOMPs him because he's not going to spend more time talking about something that its co-creator admits is stupid. Tom is here to do work. (7/17/07)

Over the past weekend Tom found a buyer for about 75 used DVDs via the popular online classified site Craigslist. The guy expressed interest in an eclectic collection that included the OOP R2 President Baseball (Alda/Fraser audio commentary, deleted Marg Helgenberger scenes), Labyrinth, and the 1963-1964 CBS Evening News 288-disc DVD box set, and they settled on a price that made both parties happy. When the guy asked for an address to pick up the stash, Tom realized that he forgot about an important and troubling part of the equation: the meet-up. He quickly scrambled to concoct a fib about something going on at his house, so they arranged to complete the transaction in the parking lot of a local shopping mall. As soon as Tom arrived on the scene he felt like a lowlife who was about to do something illegal.

Tom says the buyer described himself as a "good-lookin' white dude" wearing a brown bomber jacket and driving a green Jeep. Based on this information, Tom set out to find Dean Cain or George Clooney. However, he eventually discovered that the guy was actually the epitome of the average American male, a taller version of portly composer Paul Williams with a beard. Good-lookin' white dude! Tom pulled up alongside him, and he got in Tom's front passenger seat. As Tom sat across from his customer he realized that throwing the DVDs in the river would have been a much easier solution. He began imagining a series of nightmare scenarios where he is robbed at gun/knifepoint or arrested for attempting to sell stolen merchandise. As Tom's mind raced he nervously circled the parking lot with the guy now sorting through the boxes in the back seat. He was concerned about this arrangement because it made it easier for the guy to make a surprise knife attack to his throat. Tom pulled into a spot, creating the illusion of a suspicious drug deal: one guy in front and one guy rifling through stuff in the back.

The guy inspected the DVDs and started with the shenanigans to bargain Tom down from $300 to $275 because of how far he had to drive. Tom granted him the mileage discount to get him out of his car, but he only had $250 in cash. Tom refused to budge and sent him to the ATM in the mall. Since the guy gave him the money before he went inside, Tom realizes that he has almost all of the final sale price, all of the DVDs, and he's in a car. The guy only knows his name is Tom. Things done changed. But not really because the guy wasn't actually the violent crook of Tom's fontasies. The guy returned with the money and got back in the front seat for a ride to his Jeep. Tom wonders if these tense encounters are really what Craigslist is all about. He already regrets putting an ad for a lot of books on the site because he's been dealing with his potential murderer. The guy wants to see the books before making any offer, and the last thing Tom wants to see is this guy anywhere near his house. He has no desire to meet him in a parking lot and get a measly $15 offer. Tom fears he may not be here next week because he got barged down the Hudson for trying to unload freebie mysteries.

Best Best Show Recapper

Omar

Winner: Omar

EXT. PLANET - DAY

SUBTITLE: THE EARTH

From space the Earth is fudge-colored and meteor-scarred. We move in until we are on its endlessly barren and lifeless surface. The atmosphere is hazy, toxic-looking. Volcanoes erupt. Meteors bombard. Lightning strikes, concussing murky pools of water. All this in silence.

INT. RECAPPING LAIR - EVENING

SUBTITLE: SOUTH EASTBRIDGE, NJ, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATER

A hot fire roars in a spacious library. Tattered copies of The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal and Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Personal Values into the Workplace mingle with back issues of Sweatpants Collector and Grandpa Maurice's Creepy Bedtime Stories. They are splayed next to empty tubes of Blue and a powdered Herman Ze German LP. The Shout! Network's Criss On ... flickers in the background. The former Kiss drummer is discussing the making of Let Me Rock You with Steve Stevens. Omar, a fat, balding man wearing a leopard-print smoking jacket commissioned from Project Runway's Chris March, gets up from his desk and paces the room. His voice-over carpets this and every scene he's in. It is at times barely audible, but always present and soothing.

I should win this, right? I don't know. I am fat. I am bald. But, alas, I am the only nominee. I mean, Andy recapped that one show, but I've recapped a lot of shows. I am fat, but am I as fat as I think? My pastor says no, but people lie. I know others compare my girth to Zachary Brimstead behind my back. Or claim to be able to hear my jiggling fat rolls, or call me, facetiously, Slim. But --

Omar snaps to attention at the sounds coming from his computer speakers. He knocks over his sniffer of Kernvoisier.

... come on, Omar, do the right thing. Call up and get your award, you don't want Mike gettin' it. Although since he never called, anyone could call right now and go, "Yeah, it's me, Omah, let me on ..."

Ha. I did it again. I did it again. I did it again. I did it again. Actually, this is the first awards show so I guess I just did it. If I win next year, I can say that I did it again and it will be accurate. Maybe this will give me the clout to finally convince Penguin to publish a bound volume of the recaps. Tom said I should call. Should I do my Dave from Knoxville impression? Hmmm. It's pretty good. Nah, I'll save it. Ok, get ready!

Todd thanks masterofsparks (Awards Show Executive Producer), Dorvid, the aforementioned Omar, crimestick, and everyone else on the FOT board for helping out with the awards show.

- Omar calls to accept his award, but Tom isn't sure it's really the renowned recapper. Omar laughs at his skepticism, and Tom is now convinced it's him. The telltale laugh got him. Omar thanks Tom for the award, noting that he managed to pull through despite some intense competition. Tom suggests that Omar drove off potential challengers not unlike intimidating oil baron Daniel Plainview buying up California ranches in Paul Thomas Anderson's There Will Be Blood. Omar says he uses Plainview's drainage technique to rid the recap pipeline of the false prophets, bastards in baskets, and afterbirths. He also has some bowling pins in case anyone attempts to invade his rich terrain.

Tom says that Mike doesn't like the polarizing final scene of TWWB, and Omar thinks it would be right up his alley. Tom also expected Mike to be delighted by the hilarious climax of the somewhat depressing tale. Omar concludes that PTA took things a bit too far and crossed Mike's fine cinematic line. Tom isn't entirely sure where the limits reside on Mike's comedy spectrum, which includes love for peculiar "comedies" like Strotesick and Lukas Moodysson's Together. Omar diagnoses Mike as having a problem with domestic cinema while fully embracing the work of the European filmmakers. Tom agrees that Mike does not appear to like Americans. He asks Omar if there is anyone he would like to thank as part of his acceptance speech. Omar gives deserved props to Internet legend x amount, the proprietor of Recidivism, the host site for The Best Show recaps. He also commends the FOT who have endured his 10,000-word ruminations on the program. Tom agrees with everything except the notion that the recaps are an endurance test. He knows it is a privilege to get access to the recaps, which have become their own show. Omar laughs in appreciation of these kind words. Tom asks Omar, who is making his on-air debut, why this appearance is such a rarity. Omar explains that he wants to maintain a sense of mystery. Tom thinks this approach is part of Omar's attempt to be the recapping version of Cormac McCartney, the reclusive author of No Country for Old Men.

While he's reluctant to mention it on the air, Tom reveals that during a recent Internet goof-off session he noticed some enticing, unclaimed domain names: No Country for Older Men and No Country for Young Men. Tom is prepared to snap these up to capitalize on an eventual sequel or prequel. He fears that some young entrepreneur will beat him to it. Omar urges him to get on it, and Tom tells listeners to stay out of his domains. Tom is also considering buying There Will Be Blood 2. Omar thinks a sequel is likely, and Tom would pick up the story in the 1980s a la Boooogie Nights, which may actually be the sequel. Omar claims there are parallels between Plainview and the young pornographic thesp Dirk Diggler. Tom wonders if PTA operates within an interconnected Ghoulardiverse like Kevin Smith's View Askewniverse. Omar says Luis Guzman would anchor this fictional world. Tom reminds him that Guzman did not appear in TWBB.

Tom takes the opportunity to honor Omar as a highlight of The Best Show and one of the few reasons he keeps doing it. He says the reasons continue to fall off the list like leaves in the autumn, but Omar is an evergreen. Omar thanks Tom for the foliage analogy.

Best GOMPs, Part 2

4. Clark:

Clark estimates his listenership at less than 100. Tom's shocked at the low number, and he finally figures out what Clark's been up to tonight. He saw The Best Show as an opportunity to drive new listeners to "Venison Stew". Clark denies using Tom to push his program, citing his refusal to give the website. He wishes everyone good luck in trying to find it using Google due to the countless results for venison stew recipes. Clark says the show's name is based on his screen name of "venison88". Tom's had enough of the self-promotion and starts to feel the competitive heat, so he bans Clark for one year. Clark claims the fallacy of Internet radio is that people actually know it exists. It's too late. He starts crying, and Tom GOMPs him. Tom's been down this road before, and he doesn't want Clark showing up at the studio with a microphone and a cooler. Every time The Kid entertains an apparent psycho, they hurt him. Look for Clark to return in 2008!

5. Crypto-racist Stan from Staten Island:

Stan from Staten Island calls (start at 1:19) to run through some of his personal bio: he's a substitute history teacher who likes reading books and eating pizza. He thinks the best pizza on Staten Island is at one of the 457 Ray's locations. He doesn't really like to eat on Hylan Boulevard because it lacks the intimate atmosphere he needs to properly enjoy his pizza consumption. He wants Moslems dial it down a notch because they don't seem to realize that it's 2006 2007. Stan doesn't support their boycott of Northwest Airlines for their racial profiling policies. He also thinks that they should get over the fact that Saddam Hussein was killed at the time of the Eid ul-Adha religious festival and just be glad the sweet tyrant is finally toppled. Tom loses sight of Stan's point, so his move is to take out his red pen for some markup:

Could be shorter.

Tighten it up!

What's the point?

GET OFF MY FONE!

No gold star for this racist boy. (1/16/07)

6. A concerned Sean:

Tom returns after a three-week hiatus caused by the excruciating paingaea, surgical removal, and post-surgery complications of a not-so-rolling kidney stone. He's beat up, his voice is very weak, and he admits to only being at about 70% of his full power. Tom thanks all the well-wishers who sent him messages, prayers, and good vibes for a speedy recovery. I know that Rev. Ken Miller held a special service at Newbridge Episcopalian in Tom's honor, and Darren got a bunch of Consolidated Cardboard co-workers to chip in for a skywriter to emit "GET WELL SOON" above Newbridge Commons. Werner also left Tom a generous care package containing some "medicine" and "candy" under his pillow. Tom decides to ease his way back to the show with some open phones.

Sean expresses concern that Tom made a premature return from his three-week tummy ache ordeal. He thinks his health is more important than the radio show.

GOMP! Gonna tell Tom he's not ready to come back yet! Ha ha! Tom was faking it using the feeble sick voice of his youth! He was knocked down, but now he's standing up. You can't stop him. You can't top or stop The Best Show. Tommy Tornado is out of the hospital and ready to spin his magic. (4/17/07)

- That creep James calls to complain that he put on his tuxedo for nothing. He believes that Tom is intentionally depriving him of the titles he earned by James-ing the program in 2007. Tom wants to know how things are going at the frat house, but James claims he lives in a nice apartment. He demands his Best Show awards. James then announces the results of his non-broadcasted The James Awards:

Worst Host: Tom Scharpling
Worst Caller: Dave from Knoxville
Worst Face: Tom Scharpling

Tom adds:

Worst Toupée: James

Tom saw this weird little hairpiece ("as sad as it gets") at the WFMU Record Fair last November, and he asks James if he got it at a trap shop. James wants to know why Tom is so mean. He says he will settle for one award tonight. Tom says there are still some chances to avoid a shutout. He thinks James may have just locked down Most Pathetic Caller by pulling a Holbrook to lobby for it. The judges may have to reconsider their votes in this category.

Best/Most Violent Threat

Timmy von Trimble (10/16/07)

Futhermore, TvT's first act as may-ore would be to put Tom through a "stomping machine." Tom laments that another candidate has announced that their first act involves violence against him. Last week Tank told voters that he planned to crush Tom's head between his robust calves in public upon taking office. TvT is disappointed because he thought he was going to be the first person to politicize Tom's death. He explains that Tom will have to walk on his hands and knees through a mile-long gauntlet lined with all of the townspeople. As he crawls along this trail, each member of the angry mob will take turns stomping him with their boots. TvT revises his first act to distributing boots to everyone except Tom. Tom wants to hear about more of the unlucky citizens who will not benefit from a TvT administration. TvT defines them with the blanket term "The Others", and Tom calls him a gross racist. TvT vows to stomp Tom, advising him to get ready to meet his little, teeny, tiny boots. He giggles, warns Tom that stompin' is afoot, and hangs up. Tom is leaning towards supporting Mike because he's the only candidate who hasn't threatened his life.

Brock Peuchk (1/16/07)

Brock thinks Tom should look out because Ray Ray just told him what would happen next. Ray Ray is the guy in the ski mask. He said there's a DJ who's being stalked by a creepy guy in a ski mask, and the creepy guy won't ever stop until he skins the DJ. Ray Ray is sort of there with Brock now. Brock sees him in the bathroom mirror. Tom tells Brock to put his hand up to his face. It doesn't feel like he's touching his face, but it looks like it in the mirrow. He sees one hand touching a ski mask, while the other hand holds the phone ... and a knife. Tom wonders why these guys find him. Brock explains it to the tune of "Let's Go" (including handclaps): the guys like the night life, baby, and she says, "You die."

Kip Palfner (2/6/07)

Kip tells Tom that if he embarrasses him like this on live television, he will rip out his "razor cane". Kip uses this "razor cane" to discipline his students, and he intends to do the same to Tom, if necessary. If Tom gets a question wrong on ToT, he will slap Tom's bare bottom with the cane. Tom says he would punch Kip in the face if pulled such a move. If Tom throws a punch, Kip will flick the cane to reveal its blade and slash Tom in the face. Tom asks Kip if he's a supervillain. Kip confirms the "super" part, but he'll let The Lord determine if he's a villain. Tom doesn't like the prospects of being slashed in the face with a razor cane. Kip thinks Tom could do worse than that fate. For example, Kip wants Tom to meet him at the loading dock at 4 a.m. for Bible trivia. Tom predicts an easy Kip victory on this topic. Kip vows to force Tom to eat the Bible. The consumption will not be oral. Tom thinks it sounds horrible. Kip loves it, but he abruptly hangs up because his mother is coming.

The Gorch (5/29/07)

An older man who sounds a lot like Roland "The Gorch" Gorchnik calls to tell Tom to get ready. He's coming. Tom's not entirely sure who it is, and the caller says he will find out sooner that he would like. He left York, Pennsylvania on a Rascal scooter to come get Tom four years ago, and he was last heard from on 8/31/04 in Memphis, where he was teaming up with Skag Winesack. It appears that The Gorch may finally make good on his threats.

Gene Simmons (11/13/07)

Gene tells Tom he can take that threat to the bank, but not his bank because they would laugh him out the door. He confirms that his financial institution does not welcome riff-raff, an undesirable lower class of people that counts Tom as a member. Gene also follows the lead of many other mayubernatorial candidates by proposing to usher in his term with violent acts against Tom. He says that Tom will be the first person to suffer the wrath of his signature Gene Simmons axe bass. Gene mentions that a small number of autographed instruments are still available for purchase at www.genesimmons.net. Tom's glad he was able to squeeze in a merch plug. Gene tells Tom to get ready because heads his head will roll. He's giddy at the prospects of his inaugural decapitation.

Winner: Kip Palfner

- Kip calls to thank Tom for the award and vow to absolutely renew the winning threat. He believes Tom earned and deserves to be slashed by the razor cane, which is at Kip's side right now. He doesn't require a cane as a walking aid, but he's adopted it as an affectation with two more important functions: slashing and slicing. He tells Tom that he will soon see and feel the effects of the cane. Tom takes this new threat as confirmation that the previous threat is still active and awaiting follow-through. Kip says it's coming, and until then he quizzes Tom:

Q. Theodore Roosevelt. In what year was he awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

Tom's answer: 1918.

Kip thinks the response must be a joke. Tom admits that he's bad with that historical stuff. Roosevelt took the prize in 1906.

Margaret Hamilton wields her razor broom in The Wizard of Oz

He asks Tom if he can hear the sound of him sharpening something. It's the razor cane. Kip is also greasing the activated springs that shoot out the razor. He tells Tom he will soon get a firsthand peak at the mechanics of the weapon. Tom wants to know what he did to deserve slashings other than misfire on some trivia questions. Kip says that he disrespected the craft of trivia in general, as well as Trivius, the reigning God of Trivia. Tom doesn't know what to tell Kip, but Kip knows what to tell Tom. He recommends purchasing a lot of gauze pads because he's coming for him. Kip refuses to reveal the exact time or location of the pending attack, but it may take place tomorrow at Consolidated Cardboard when Tom comes down to the loading dock for a smoke break. Tom says bring it on. Kip has one more trivia test:

Q. Who is Margaret Corbin?

Tom asks Kip if Corbin was in The Wizard of Oz? He was obviously thinking of Margaret Hamilton, who played the Wicked Witch of the West in the 1939 musical fontasy. Kip is so horrified by the incorrect answer that he directs call screener Keith Mike to slap Tom in the face. Mike informs Tom that he also can't identify Corbin. Kip says that in 1779 Margaret Corbin became the first woman to be awarded a disability pension by Congress. He begins sharpening the razor again and hangs up. Tom's not entirely sure if it's appropriate to congratulate someone like this. I suggest that Tom head over to Drugboro to get those gauze pads just in case.

- A caller takes umbrage to the winner of the last little contest. Tom doesn't know who it is. The caller, who says he was an entrant in the category, is shocked that Tom doesn't recognize his voice. Tom now realizes that he's talking to bassist/entrepreneur Gene Simmons. Gene wants Tom to say his name again with his full title. Tom opts for "The Loser of the Last Award." Gene informs Tom that he just inadvertently opened the most painful can of worms. He reminds Tom that he is forbidden to talk to him like that because he talks to Tom like that. He asks Tom if he has $1 million in his wallet. Tom does not. Gene doesn't, either. He has $3 million -- a $2.3 million check from various merchandising deals and $700,000 in petty cash. Gene uses the latter stash to buy whatever strikes his foncy when he goes shopping, including the shop itself. He says the business acquisition is more appealing if there's a pretty woman behind the counter. Gene explains that he just implied that he would make love to that female employee. He wasn't sure if Tom picked up on that because he's still in high school. Tom tells Gene that he's not a student. He doesn't understand why so many people mistake WFMU for a high school radio station. Gene says it sounds like one, and he also accuses Tom of running his voice through a modulator like he did on "God of Thunder." Gene recites some lyrics penned by Paul Stanley:

You've got something about you

You've got something I need

Tom can't place them. Gene is surprised that someone operating a radio station doesn't know the opening lines of "God of Thunder" by the rock band Kiss. Tom says he knows the song, but he doesn't know it as spoken lyrics. Gene gives him two more: "Daughter of Aphrodite/Hear my words and take heed." Tom says he didn't realize that Gene's lyrics could be so poetic. Gene tells Tom to get the thing out of his ears because he already told him that Paul wrote those words. He wishes he wrote them.

Gene is a little disappointed that his axe bass threat didn't top all the other nominees. He plans to split Palfner's prized razor cane in half with his axe bass. Tom sees this as the opening move of some kind of Best Show villain war, but Gene believes he's superhero. He asks Tom if he caught his heroics on The Celebrity Apprentice. Tom says he saw him get voted off. Gene declines to breach the backstory surrounding his third-week dismissal, but he claims he was forced to bow out to keep some prior commitments. He believes he made his mark in his limited time on the show. Tom says he stopped watching as soon as he was fired. Gene suggests that Tom abandoned the post-Gene episodes because he loves (not in a creepy way) and worships him. Tom denies it, but Gene detects a quiver of reverence in Tom's voice. Tom hears what appears to be a barking dog in the background. Gene says it was one of his Kimono dragons. Tom is not buying it. He tells Gene that it's fine to own a dog. Gene says that he owns dragons that sounds like dogs when they get excited, kind of like when Tom's voice modulates.

Gene offers to buy the award by signing over the check in his wallet. Tom immediately accepts the lucrative deal and transfers ownership of the Best/Most Violent Threat honor. Gene tells Tom to say it more slowly so he can drink in the words. Tom announces that contingent on a $2.3 million payday, the winner of the award is now Gene Simmons, the God of Thunder. Gene loves it and breathes it in. He is also impressed that Tom used a big word like "contingent." Gene says he has to go because his dragons are going nuts. He promises that a head will roll, and Tom correctly assumes it is his head. Tom wishes him a fantastic night and recommends taking the rowdy dragons for a walk. Gene hopes Tom has a fontastical night were all his fontasies come true. Tom bids him goodnight.

Best GOMPs, Part 3

7. Hesh Rope-a-Dope:

Tom thinks the show is an L. Hesh was right, and Tom may hire him as a QA guy. Tom says he can't be the player and the referee, so he's not even sure if he's won at all this year. Tom urges Hesh to call back. Erika double dips to say that Hesh is wrong. She argues that the dynamic duo of PBR and PFT guarantee a W. Showbiz Sean also votes W, noting Ted Leo's contributions to the program. Tom is not convinced. Hesh returns to say he didn't intend to insult Tom, and he suspects Tom is still a bit sick from his kidney stone problems. Tom says he's not 100%, but he's doing pretty well. Hesh isn't sure Tom's had many good shows this year, and Tom appreciates him hitting the constructive criticism so hard. Hesh thought 2006 was a killer year, but 2007 lacks that spark. He also misses Petey. Tom asks Hesh if he'd be willing break the show down every week and issue a ruling at the end. Hesh says he'll give it a try, but Tom GOMP™s him. He'll never let that creep do that. Tom can't wait to fire up the archive of this show and listen to that stooge take the bait and get rope-a-doped. (5/8/07)

8. Belated Paul Weller Guy:

Weller played seven songs, including two encores, and the setlist didn't contain anything from the first two albums. He did play "In The Crowd" and "That's Entertainment". The caller says he's really not into the latter tune, and the show was a real downer. He noticed that the olds in the audience didn't seem to mind the abbreviated set despite the elevated ticket price. Tom assumes that the caller left the show and went to see a doctor, who then inserted him into a cryogenic chamber for the last five months. The caller says he just had the flu. Tom tells the caller that it's June, and his call was not entertainment. He GOMPs him for being way behind the curve. It's The Best Show, not VH-1's I Remember January 2007. Tom runs a lively, topical show, and he requires fresh stuff. He appreciates the sentiment, but if you forget to call for months, you just have to let it go. (6/19/07)

9. TSOYA's Jesse Thorn:

Jesse changes the subject to the controversy surrounding the AST member who stole a drink Tom purchased for a friend while in LA. Jesse wants to clear his name from any of the speculation, but Tom doesn't want to talk about it on the air anymore. It's now just between him and the thief. It's The Best Show, not the radio arm of OK! magazine. Tom GOMPs Jesse for trying to tell HIM what time it is. Tom tells YOU what time it is, Butchie. Tom reminds listeners that The Best Show is being transmitted over real radio equipment. He has to show up at a real building to do the show. He can't just roll out of bed in his pajamas and set up a microphone on his kitchen table like he's Rick & Rose. This is legit radio! Tom doesn't want to be lumped in with all the podcasters. After potentially destroying a friendship, Tom is ready to go to the Celebrity Corner (actually a tiny cubby hole in the lower deck of the submarine) to retrieve tonight's special guest (7/10/07).

- Supercaller Erika from Baltimore checks in to tell Tom that it's been a great awards show. She thought Palfner's victory was somewhat surprising because Brock Peuchk impressively incorporated the melody from The Cars' "Let's Go" into his violent threat. Erika says she almost started singing along to Brock's violent "You Die" tune. Tom attributes the catchiness to the original, which, as we learned from Brock, features a guitar hook courtesy of Wolf Blitzer. Erika was a bit sad for James, but she is confident that he's the frontrunner for Most Pathetic Caller of 2008 if he doesn't win tonight. Tom thinks he effectively made his case for that title. Erika gives her support to Seth Galifianakis for the next award.

Best Guest

Paul F. Tompkins (Professional Comedian/There Will Be Blood Star)

Ted Leo (Professional Rock Star)

Jens Hannemann (Complicated Drummer)

Patton Oswalt (Professional Comedian/Ratalouie Star)

The Gorch (Funzie Impersonator)

Zach Galifianakis (Professional Comedian/Into The Wild Star)

Seth Galifianakis (Football Coach/Fugees Fan)

Winner: Ted Leo

- A flabbergasted Ted Leo calls to say he's not sure if he can accept such an honor considering the quality of his fellow nominees. Tom tells Ted that he went above and beyond the standard guest duties by writing songs -- the glorious cover of The Gas Station Dogs' "Rock 'N Roll Dreams'll Come Through" and the WFMU-themed adaptation of The Jam's "That's Entertainment" -- for pledges during the 2007 Marathon and coming down to the studio on Christmas night to help make everyone's December Wishes come through. Mike didn't show up. He was living it up in the Turks and Caicos. Ted says he does it because he loves his job. He didn't prepare a speech, but he thanks everyone on the FOT board for keeping him sane.

Ted predicts that one Democrat and one Republican will emerge from the primaries, and one of them will win the Presidency in November. Tom gets a newsflash about some weird-o-California returns: Fred Thompson, who withdrew from the race two weeks ago, and Duncan Hunter, who re-registered as a Democrat at the last minute, are leading the pack. Ted is not doing backflips over New Jersey's selection of Hillary Clinton, but he's more than happy to accept it. Tom was bummed that perennial candidate Lyndon LaRouche was not on the ballot. He would have voted for him assuming he's still alive. Ted says he once bought into LaRouche's activism when he encountered his excited supporters set up outside the post office. Tom wonders if anyone can set up shop outside of the post office. (I checked with Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle. He said anyone can as long as they are not "too jerky.") Ted's most exciting voting day encounter was a crazy lady with a veiled hat darting around the Bloomfield Civic Center on a Razor® scooter. Her overly-applied, unnaturally-red lipstick was paired with a Ron Paul sandwich board. Tom suspects that Ted is ushered away from the riff-raff and into his deluxe rock 'n roll voting suite due to his standing in the local community.

Ted says he had a tough year, so this award makes it real good. He appreciates all the work Tom does, and Tom reflects the the sentiment back at him. He thanks Ted for his loyal support and lets him go before the mutual praise turns gross.

Rookie of the Year

Bonnie from Georgia

Eddie in Long Beach

Martin from Edison

Winner: Eddie (wwwwwes's smear campaign was too late!)

- When Eddie calls to accept his award, Tom plays the clip that first won his heart. Eddie made Tom laugh with a riff about Fantasy Football owners taking more delight in the weekly stats of Randy Moss and Tony Romo than the fate of their favorite team. He cracked the code and continues to deliver. Eddie thanks Tom for having a great show and Mike for being a nice guy. He gets Tom again by referring to Blob Belichick as an "amoeba with a bad haircut."

Best GOMPs, Part 4

10. Paul from Nashville:

Paul from Nashville, TN, calls to ask Tom to settle a debate he's been having with his girlfriend. Tom wants to hear more about the key issues before agreeing to serve as their radio arbiter. Paul says they are both law students with one year remaining prior to taking the bar exam in late July 2008. Time expires, but Paul earns another 30 seconds. He explains that most law students go on a "bar trip" to some exotic locale after taking the examination. He and his girlfriend are having a big dispute about their desired destination. Paul really wants to go to South America (less "ethno-centric and Western"), but his girlfriend prefers a jaunt to Spain, Greece, and Portugal. They thought Tom's wisdom could help them work through this crucial life decision. Tom says that Paul and his girlfriend have what he likes to call "rich people's problems." He doesn't care about their fancy travel itinerary and issues an emphatic GOMP to the rich jerks/future lawyers. Tom acknowledges that there are good lawyers out there. He's not judging Paul and his paramour for their chosen profession, but he is judging them for asking him to analyze the pros and cons of vacations to South America and Europe and issuing his ruling. Tom points out that this is why he now puts people on the clock in the pre-topic portion of the show. You get 30 seconds, then it's click, kaboom, bong. (8/28/07)

11. James:

"You truly are sick, and you really do scare me. The only thing that doesn't worry me is that I know I could knock you out with one punch. You're very frail." -- Tom, preparing James for a KO, 11/13/07

12. I'm Not There Lady

Most Pathetic Caller

Hesh

James

Spike

Clark

Winner: Spike

Worst Caller

James

Hesh

Jesse Thorn

Fred from Queens

Larry the Perv

Spike

Winner: Jesse Thorn

Best GOMP

Winner: Hesh

Best Caller

Paycheque in Toronto

Dave from Knoxville

Erika from Baltimore

John JUNK

Laurie from Miami

Spike

Winner: Paycheque

On the Next ... Best Show on WFMU: Spike weighs in on the Great Milk vs. Orange Crate Debate, deciduous blogger Linus issues a bold challenge, and the race for Worst Caller begins anew!

I'm sure there's a bootleg Calvin and Hobbes sticker that sums up my feelings about this.

Posted by x amount at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

"This show's not about wallowing. This show's about soaring. Like an eagle." -- Tom, taking flight high above the union man

"Was that thing wreckin' Newark? Or Jersey City? Hoboken? No. No, we were sendin' the jets out to attack that thing. That was us. We're the good guys in this one." -- Tom, praising New Jersey's role in defending NYC against the Cloverfield monster

"Exactly. They got their chops over in uh ... in uh ... you know in uh ... in uh ... Dusseldorf." -- Tom, tracing the origins of supposed NYC band The Strokes

"Well considering the guy from the Del Vikings is 91 years old, I don't know how resistant he's going to be. I don't know how defiant he is these days." -- Tom, pointing out that a member of the group would likely be a suitably submissive bailiff for Dungeon Justice with Judge Spike

"That's a black mark on Mike's record tonight. Lettin' a faux Jerky Boy through, a Jerky Boy manqué. Is that how you say that word? Did I do that right?" -- Tom, criticizing the call screening with a rare lapse into egghead vocabulary

"It's these two guys, and they each take their faces off. And they trade faces, and then they play each other in it. Kinda like Freaky Friday with guns!" -- Face/Off scribes Mike Werb and Michael Colleary, bounding over narrative hurdles in The Making of Face/Off video game

"I called in last week, it wasn't a very successful call. Um, you called me a gorilla." -- Tom in Buffalo, looking for redemption and not finding it

"It's good. Why shouldn't you be able to lose your entire fortune from your home?" -- Tom, sticking it to the misguided online gambling worryworts

"Price Waterhouse? I'm gonna write this stuff out in a Panera Bread on Tuesday afternoon -- Tom, ditching the accounting giant for next week's Best Show Awards

"This game sounds fun. Wait, which one is fun again? The one where you want to gouge your eyes out?" -- Tom, assessing the entertainment value of the video game adaptation of a long-form Spalding Gray monologue

"Was that Robert Benchley who wrote that? That guy was good." -- Tom, praising the legendary humorist's script for Orca

[More to come.]

"Hey, Jeff, whaddya call a nun in a humidor?" -- Bob Saget, annoying Jeff Garlin with his debauched Hate Pit revelry

[More to come.]

[TBSOWFMU - 1/29/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kelly Stoltz - "When You Forget"

( Click here to buy Circular Sounds)

Monochrome Set - "The Weird, Wild And Wonderful World Of Tony Potts"

( Click here to view the Wikipedia page for Love Zombies)

Cornelius - "Chapter 8 - Seashore and Horizon"

( Click here to buy Fantasma)

Throw Me The Statue - "Take It or Leave It"

( Click here to buy Moonbeams)

Wussy - "Sun Giant Says Hey"

( Click here to buy Left For Dead)

The Selmanaires - "Just To Get YR Love"

( Click here to buy The Air Salesman)

Effigies - "Body Bag"

( Click here to buy Remains Nonviewable)

Wipers - "Can This Be"

( Click here to buy the Wipers box set)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Yes! Yes! It's back again. What? What's "it"? "It" is this. What is "this"? "This" is "it": Another installment of The Best Show on WFMU. Tom Scharpling, the host of the program, announces that the open phones are dead. He pins the murder on the listeners and wishes that Judge Spike could hear the case. Mike the Associate Producer suggests having Spike as a live, in-studio guest for the legal segments, but Tom assures him that this appearance will never happen. He recalls that during the first show of the 2006 WFMU marathon Spike declined a generous invitation to co-host the full three hours. Spike could not commit to making the trip from Queens to Jersey City because he had to get up at 4 a.m. for his mysterious government gig. Tom recommended coffee to stay awake, but Spike doesn't do coffee. Spike attempted to push his guest spot to sometime in 2007 and got banned for a year. (It didn't stick.)

Tom opened his music set with The Kinks' "Powerman" instead of the unemployment ode "Get Back in Line" because he's done with the malarkey and the wallowing. The Best Show doesn't stand on the corner watching time go by -- it soars like an eagle. The avian analogy makes Tom wonder if he should have played ABBA's "Eagle" instead of "Hey Hey Helen." He's also still waiting for as sequel to Lola versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One. Tom officially sanctions the FOT Chat and urges federal agents to run IP addresses on those in the chat room of another online comedy forum. He believes the participants should be arrested on general principle. Tom notices a flashing line, but Mike cannot guarantee that the person on hold will be the ideal way to start the show. Tom suggests that this uncertainty may ultimately slide Mike under the call-screening microscope.

- Charlie in Ireland calls before he falls asleep to get Tom on ... fledgling Re-pub-li-can Presidential candidate Rudolph Guiliani, the former mayor of New York City who became famous for wearing a hard hat in the 9/11 aftermath. Tom points out that Guiliani's slim hopes of earning the nomination rest with today's Florida primary. Charlie wasn't aware of this, but he does seem to recall the warm-weather state that is full of weirdos, old folks, and rich people. Tom says didn't know about the wealth concentrated there until he started doing this show. He acknowledges that the state contains some good people, and Charlie cites crucial groover Fred Durst, a native of Jacksonville, as an example of a top-notch resident. Tom agrees that the state of Florida has good people. And Fred Durst. Tom gives Charlie some background on the primary process, noting that the leader of the United States is called the "President." Charlie says that he's originally from Bloomfield, N.J. (and used to call from Seattle), so he does have a rudimentary understanding of American politics. Tom gets Mike to confirm that a Presidential term is four years and tells Charlie that we are in the midst of an election between The Whigs and The Tories, the country's two main political parties. Tom takes delight in the fact that Guiliani's campaign has been flopping hard. He jokingly commends the Guiliani campaign's bold decision to ignore every state not named Florida.

Charlie reminds Tom about Guiliani's comments during the 1998 dispute over Ellis Island ownership. Guiliani stated that his Italian immigrant father had no intention of coming to New Jersey, a quip that elicited guffaws from the New York press corps. Tom informs Guiliani that his relatives were coming to America. He revels in New Jersey's undefeated record in its battles with New York. The state earned an outright W on The Sopranos by squishing Phil Leotardo's head and more recently authorized aerial defense to thwart the Cloverfield monster's destruction of NYC. Newark, Jersey City, and Hoboken were unscathed. Tom also wonders how many Super Bowls the New York Giants, who have played their home games in the Meadowlands since 1976, appeared in while playing in New York with Y.A. Tittle at the helm. Zilch. (They did win four titles in the pre-Super Bowl era.) Back in December Tom noted New Jersey's triumph in American Gangster when Newark detective Richie Roberts brought down Harlem heroin dealer Frank Lucas. Charlie starts to talk about looking at a map, but Tom tells him to shut up for a second. He wants to make it clear that he does not have to justify his support of New Jersey. Tom admits that New York is an awesome place loaded with great stuff, but he will not tolerate its inhabitants throwing New Jersey under the bus and making lame what-exit-are-you-from queries. He recalls arguing with a guy who was mocking New Jersey only to discover that he was dealing with someone originally from Delaware. Charlie gets excited and says that Manhattan is full of transplants. Tom asked Charlie if he's also on a topic delay because he just made that point.

Charlie wants to know who Tom would vote for if his only choices were limited to Guiliani or Fred Thompson. Since he's actually voting for Fred Thompson, he would vote for Fred Thompson. Tom hopes that Thompson switches his allegiance to a new Showbiz Party ticket that includes Ron Silver or Fred Grandy, a former Iowa congressman best known for playing bartender Isaac Washington on The Love Boat. Charlie is not familiar with Grandy because he never watched the show. Tom apologizes for referencing a slob show. He wonders if Charlie preferred watching op-er-a on PBS. Charlie says it was simply before his time, but he did watch other shows of the same caliber. Tom suggests Family Matters as one of these shows. Charlie thinks that sitcom is actually worse than The Love Boat.

Charlie is reluctant to delve into his year studying creative writing abroad, so Tom suspects he may be getting poor grades. Charlie says he's doing well and having fun working on a novel about Jersey City. He considered calling it The Sixth Borough, but he decided it was insulting to JC. Tom agrees. He thinks NYC is lucky to know their NJ neighbors. Tom tries to think of the last good band that emerged from New York. He immediately dismisses the defunct anti-folk duo The Moldy Peaches with an "ew/ick" noise. Charlie says that some people might say The Strokes, but he's not one of them. Charlie notes that the members came out of Swiss boarding schools instead of the NYC streets; Tom believes that the band learned their musical chops in Dusseldorf. My pick for best NYC band of the last decade: ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat. Those Southpaw shows back in early 2006 were revelatory. I was also there in 2004 at their first practices in a loft in Greenpoint. Look for a DFA re-issue of the Son, This Is Your Uncle Gamal LP (w/ the rare "Bar Lev Line" single) later this year.

Tom bids young Charlie goodnight. He declares the show a disaster because he's already expended way too much energy. Tom says that if Guiliani does in fact go off the rails tonight in Florida, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. He likes that nobody wants the post-9/11 fear platform that he's been peddling. Tom doubts that his role in that tragedy will be of much assistance when he's preparing budgets for education. He gets that he was a big hero for 30 hours and then he went to a Yankees game. Tom thinks everyone has the ability to pull off a good day and a half. Meanwhile, Forrest from Manhattan is not rising to Tom's challenge of naming awesome New York bands of recent vintage. He cited Interpol and Liars in the FOT chat. Tom matches him with the Plainfield-heavy Funkadelic and Woodbury's very own Patti Smith. Tom reminds himself that it's a positive show and moves on.

- Spike is demoted to the #2 slot while staying up late to celebrate his birthday. Tom sort of sings "Happy Birthday" to him, and Spike laments being just seven years away from old age. Tom thinks it's depressing and wants to know if Spike is compiling his "bucket list." Spike says the main item is to check himself into a home when he turns 50. Tom thought he would probably want to remove the annoying ankle bracelet (Spike denies having one) and getting that judge off his back. Spike thinks Tom's referring to television judge Judy Sheindlin, but it's actually the judge who is always throwing the book at him and preventing him from seeing films in the theater.

Tom re-pitches his idea for a Best Show legal segment, and Spike he says he'd love to dispense advice to people over the air. Tom proposes the title Dungeon Justice with Judge Spike. Spike thinks it sounds lovely and plans to throw any rowdy litigants into his titular lair. Tom suggests one of the Del Vikings as a potential bailiff, but Spike prefers someone a bit more submissive. Tom thinks that's gross. He also isn't sure how defiant a 91-year-old member of the doo-wop group would be in 2008. Spike says he prefers a younger security officer. He heard Tom's earlier discussion of Adolph Guiliani, and he's pleased that his 9/11 ticket flamed out. Tom is also relieved because it opens things up for their guy: Mick Rombley. Spike says he's a devout Democrat and will not vote for him. Tom thought Rombley was a Democrat, but Spike says he's running on the Morman ticket. Tom was not aware that we had a three-party system. He then apologizes to Spike for crossing the line last week by making fun of him for only owning one knife, fork, and spoon set. Spike assures Tom that he has enough money to afford a larger selection of utensils. Tom speculates that a rich guy died in the dungeon and The Talented Mr. Spike stole his identity to load up on kitchen wares. Spike says he has less money than he hoped because his higher-end clients have dried up, possibly due to the cold weather. Tom can't figure out why a rich guy wouldn't want to hang out at Spike's basement apartment. Spike says they should because he needs the money.

Tom plans to assemble a case for Judge Spike to rule on in the next couple of weeks. He also invites him to sing a song next week during The Best Show Awards ceremony. Spike declines because his voice is worse than the off-key warblings of his beloved Lynn Samuels. Tom checks Samuels off the list and asks Spike to mention Chucky to finish his target practice. Spike says he didn't mention Chucky yet. Tom crosses Chucky off the list. He thinks Spike is legally obligated to mention doo-wop, Lynn Samuels, and Chucky during each call. Since a musical performance is out, Tom tries to find something for Spike to do for the awards show. Spike offers to help decide the winners. Tom says he's unqualified because he's never heard the show past 8:35 p.m. He suggests an alternative: writing six goofball jokes for the opening monologue. Spike thinks the real-life writing opportunity is interesting, and he'll do it if he's around next week. Tom GOMPs him for pretending that he might be busy during the show for the first time in 45 weeks. He highly doubts Spike will be attending a banquet of costume ball next Tuesday night. Tom starts getting angry, but he quickly snaps out of it because the show is on fire after a slow ramp-up.

Tom fans the flames with a hott topic inspired by a recent conversation with someone about the popularity of video game systems and the prevalence of games based on movies and television shows. For example, Shrek the Third comes out, and a game is ready to go. Spider-Man 2 comes out, and a game is ready go go. Tom is certain that developers are unjustly neglecting certain films for the video game treatment. He imagines a video game companion for Rob Reiner's The Bucket List in which players can alternate between Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as they drive race cars around a track, jump out of airplanes, and an attempt to hide in a laundry chute to avoid an angry hospital keeper played by Sean Hayes. Tom wants listeners to come up with more overlooked adaptations.

- Johnny Brennan from The Jerky Boys calls to see how Tom's doing. Tom is pretty sure that he's doing better than a guy from a phone prank duo that peaked in the mid-1990s. Brennan claims The Jerky Boys are primed for a comeback with a new video game that may be adapted into their second feature film. Tom chooses not to believe that these projects are actually in development. He also doesn't believe that it's really the guy from The Jerky Boys, so he wants JB to name a couple of his signature characters. The caller ignores the question and mentions that his collaboration with Kamal fizzled in the years following the 1995 release of Jerky Boys: The Movie. Tom repeats his request for characters he voiced, and JB declines to revisit his past work. Tom gets rid of him for being a FRAUD. He thinks it's a black mark on Mike's record to grant airtime to a Jerky Boy manqué who couldn't hold his threadbare routine together for 20 seconds. Tom isn't sure if he pronounced the egghead term correctly. He remembers that he's running a lunchpail show that shouldn't throw words like that around.

- Nate from St. Paul calls with an idea for a GTA-style Repo Man video game in which players receive assignments to repossess cars and try to avoid getting shot/beat up by ska bands. Tom thinks the submission is a great start to the topic. I'd like to see the final battle involve Otto Mattox sneaking past a vacuum-wielding Gene Simmons on the lot of GST and murdering (via 'bro punches and belt whips) Chet Thompson while he sleeps on his cot in the back office. This sounds like a great project for the gaming division of Tornado Todd's LifeChanges charity.

Nate is glad he could aid the recovery from the detour into faux-Jerky Boys nonsense. Tom still can't believe that guy couldn't name one character. Nate thought Brennan's stereotypical anti-Semitic caricature (Sol Rosenberg, who has since morphed into Mort Goldman) was sad, although it wasn't enough to prevent him from seeing their movie in the theater. While Tom was not a big fan of their telephony, he did enjoy the auteurs' Mafia laffer, especially Alan Arkin's work as Ernie Lazzaro. Tom can't remember if Arkin won an Oscar for his supporting turn in that or in last year's Little Miss Sunshine. Nate says he will have to research it. Tom thinks Arkin must have justified acting in scenes opposite a Kamal by unfolding a picture of a fancy car, a fancy boat, or a fancy house between takes. He does an impression of Arkin wondering why there is a film about two guys who do the least visual thing you can possibly do. Nate speculates that it was greenlit by someone who thought it would be funny to see these crazy voices come out of the mouths of these two people. Tom fails to see the entertainment value in demystifying their work by showing audiences that it's created by a fat blob sitting at home. He thinks it's sick, and he's glad that they got shown the door after getting much more attention than they deserved. Tom wonders who let them in the door in the first place. Nate says that if he knew the delusional gatekeeper, he probably wouldn't be any happier. Tom GOMPs him for a bleak worldview that recalls There Will Be Blood. He doesn't know why he hung up on someone who delivered a great call.

- Erin/"Stevie" thinks Robert Benton's 1979 divorce drama Kramer vs. Kramer would make for a good video game. She sees the legal proceedings taking place in a D&D-like fontasy courtroom where players unlock secret codes to determine when to object to arguments made by the lawyers in the custody battle between Joanna Kramer (Meryl Streep) and Ted Kramer (Dustin Hoffman). As the trial winds down, players will get a chance to show off their French toast skills in a bonus round. Tom doesn't understand why Ted had so much trouble preparing this simple breakfast food. Crack an egg. Pour some milk. Put the mixture in a pan with bread. Wait for it to brown on one side. Flip it, plate it, and serve. Erin adds the important cinnamon to the recipe and points out that a kid wouldn't even care about the dish's sloppy presentation because he'd quickly drench it in syrup and powdered sugar. She also points out that Ted could have avoided the kitchen nightmare by simply buying some fun cereal. Tom doesn't think someone having a meltdown because he can't flip a piece of bread in a pan is fit for parenthood. He believes Ted's ineptitude is yet another example of the weirdness of this world. Erin, who usually earns a quick GOMP, is loving her time in uncharted territory with the best call of the night. She considers calling again next week, but Tom advises her to just enjoy the moment and not get too hasty.

- Mike hands Tom a piece of paper indicating that he'd enjoy a video game based on Werner Herzog's Strotesick. Tom is not surprised by his choice. Players would have to complete six tasks:

• Avoid getting beat up by street pimps
• Befriend a senile old man and prostitute
• Buy a trailer
• Steal a turkey
• Make the chicken dance
• Get on the ski lift

Tom thinks the game is best suited for the Wii console, allowing players to fly all over the room with their gyroscope controller. He wonders if Netflix has noticed a small uptick in Strotesick rentals relative to other Herzog titles. Mike suggests contacting the New Brunswick distribution center to determine if his promotional push has actually caused a spike in demand.

I sent an e-mail inquiry to Netflix key-o Reed Hastings, but he has yet to respond.

------------------------
To: Reed Hastings
From: Omar
Date: Jan 30, 2008 8:44 AM
Subject: Strotesick Surge?

Mr. Hastings,

'Sup, bro? As you probably know, the Associate Producer for The Best Show on WFMU has been touting Werner Herzog's hilarious film Strotesick nearly every Tuesday night for the past few months. I was just wondering if this has caused any movement in rentals. My guess is that you've had to order several more copies from Anchor Bay.

Oh, thanks for carrying all those great nunsploitation films -- Behind Convent Walls and Celibate Cannibals are true gems, and those ash oles at my local Blockbuster would never carry them ("too erotic"). Yet they had 45 copies of Monster-in-Law!!!!

Late,

-O-Dog

p.s. -- Any plans to carry Vivid-Alt titles in the near future?

--------------------------

- The sneaky Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls on the heels of sending Tom a work of Best Show fan-fiction titled Where Turkeys Dare. Jon was hoping it was intercepted by a spam filter or immediately deleted, but Tom read it, laughed repeatedly, and printed it out. He warns Tom that his positive reaction may open the floodgates for future fictions. Tom says he will take them and reads the strong opening to hook listeners for the full version to follow later in the show:

It had snowed that day, and The Hate Pit was frigid. Now evening had descended, and Jeff Garlin was busy looking for twigs to keep the Pit fire lit. Bob Saget looked on, offering no assistance.

Jon stays with Herzog's filmography to design a video game that follows the plot of Fitzcarraldo. If players successfully pull a riverboat over a hill, they will get to introduce opera to the Amazon population of Peru. If they fail in this mission, the vessel will roll down the hillside, smashing Klaus Kinski and his gramophone. I'd add this bonus round: join up with native chiefs to pelt Kinski with Mick Jagger's Capezios. Tom says he would play this game. He puts Jon in the lead for Breakout Superstar of 2007 (sic). While he may not be a scene-stealer like an Erin, he delivers when you add it all up in the end.

- Forrest in Manhattan calls to express his admiration for New Jersey and deny trying to stir up any divisiveness with his stumping for NYC bands. Tom declines to beat Forrest up for it because he seems like a nice guy. Forrest has a game based on one of his and Tom's favorites: Escape from New York Face/Off. Tom thinks the John Woo nonstop actioner would translate into a good game. Forrest suggests levels ranging from prison breaks to boat chases and proposes a two-player version in which the goal is to retrieve your stolen face. Each level would culminate with one of the 100 choice Nicolas Cage quotations. Tom has an idea for The Making of Face/Off, a companion game where the film's screenwriters are forced to navigate through every development hurdle in order to get their Freaky Friday-with-guns pitch into production. Forrest thinks that game would be too hard to beat.

- Tom in Buffalo tries to redeem himself after Tom called him a gorilla during last week's unsuccessful call. Tom asks him how that call ended. Tom in Buffalo thinks Tom hung up on him. It happens again. Tom laughs.

- Brian in Columbus, OH, contributes a video game adaptation of the classic Smokey and the Bandit, allowing players to replicate Buford T. Justice's pursuit of beer-smuggling truckers "Bandit" and "Snowman." Tom thinks this would be the best video game ever made. Brian is confident about the appeal of the core trio, but he would omit any missions involving Sally Field's "Frog" character. Tom looks forward to playing as Junior Justice, telling his father which way to turn the rickety patrol car and holding his hat while he hurriedly orders a Diablo sandwich and Dr. Pepper. He also awaits a game based on Smokey and the Bandit II so he can destroy the roller coaster. Brian is the first person to make Tom wish one of these games was actually available for purchase. Tom is particularly excited about hearing Jerry Reed's "East Bound and Down" when he fires it up. A player wins by bringing the cases of warm beer to the big party. Tom notes that the prized cargo would require two days in an oice chest to cool to proper drinking temperature. Brian points out that in addition to being warm, Coors is not exactly a top-shelf brand. Tom speculates that in the 1970s it was viewed as some kind of ambrosia elixir.

- Tom asks Samir a multiple-choice question before proceeding to his video game.

Q. As a resident of Florida, are you:

A.) A Weirdo
B.) Old
C.) Super-Rich
D.) One of the Good People

Samir is pretty confident that the correct answer is D. Tom accepts it. Samir can't vote in today's primary because he's not a U.S. citizen, but that didn't stop electioneers from bugging him as he roamed his university campus. He
used his cunning to obtain an "I Voted" sticker to stop the solicitations. Tom commends Samir on a job craftily done. Samir says he would have voted for Obama, and Tom doesn't know what that is. Samir explains that he's one of the Democrat candidates who Tom has probably seen on television news programs. Tom thinks Obama is either the guy who was held captive or the guy who is friends with Chuck Norris. Samir tells Tom that the latter candidate is actually named Huckleberry. Tom heard some buzz that the overzealous John "President Pizza" McCain is attempting to secure an endorsement from action star Jeff Speakman. Samir thinks this is a wise move because in addition to the Huckleberry/Norris juggernaut, Mitten Romney has Jean-Claude Van Damme signed and sealed in his corner. He says he would find a way to fraudulently vote for Romney given Van Damme's support.

Samir unveils a video game based on another Nicolas Cage opus: The Wicker Man, Neil LaBute's remake of the 1973 cult classic. Tom loves it. Samir's game would include little instruction beyond directing players to walk around in the hopes of finding a young girl while eluding swarms of CGI bees, stealing a bicycle, and punching women wearing animal masks. He never saw the film, but he picked up the essence of it from viewing the YouTube compilation of its (presumably) unintentional comedic highlights. Tom wonders if the film won any Golden Globe awards. Samir mentions something about Juno stealing its thunda, so Tom has to get rid of him.

- Julie in rainy Cincinnati thinks Hangman Also Die, the Fritz Lang/Bertolt Brecht anti-Nazi collaboration based on the Czech resistance's assassination of SS-Obergruppenführer Reinhard Heydrich, should be a video game. Tom is a bit thrown by an idea based on a film from 1943. Julie points out that Stroh's Ack, which is also old, would be the greatest video game. She sees gaming potential in anything featuring Bruno S., including an adaption of Herzog's hypothetical, My Best Fiend-ish documentary about directing the enigmatic actor. Tom thinks that would be a very exciting and popular game. Julie blurts out a high-pitched squeal while Tom is in the middle of a funny riff about 12-year-olds rejoicing at finally getting the chance to interact with their favorite German duo. She was going to say something funny, but she opted not to get in Tom's way because he's so funny tonight.

Julie is excited for a great 2008 with her new hobby: calling radio shows. The local market has a lot of redneck talk radio shows, and she plans to start calling them tomorrow to say, "Hi." Julie says she will play it loose and follow up her simple greeting based on the host's response. Tom wishes her good luck with this project. Julie says that since Tom is so funny and interesting, she was surprised to discover that the FOT do not exhibit these same traits. She's disappointed that her high expectations were smashed by a collection of commoners. Tom knows what she means. He has also noticed that his listeners are just regular people, residing on a shelf below him and Julie. However, Tom doesn't think it's fair for Julie to storm into the FOTverse and demean this nice lot. Julie says people are always nice, but it doesn't mean they are interesting. Tom thinks this take is a little rough. He announces that he likes the FOT. Julie cannot explain why she called the program tonight. Tom would continue the conversation to try to find out, but Mike is giving him the signal.

- Tim in Ellensburg, WA, offers a video game genre mash-up of Bob Altman's feel-good epic, Nashville:

1. Guitar Hero-like portion: Play along with the country and gospel music; difficulty enhanced by replicating the off-key parts in the film.

2. RPG sequences: Players guide the large ensemble through various failed relationships, including the simulation of extra-maritable sessions, and pull strings to get their son out of Vietnam.

Tom would also like to see a gambling video game based on Altman's equally cheery California Split. Tim sees an opportunity for online play with an offshore gambling operation residing in the Canary Islands. Tom doesn't understand the uproar over online gambling because he thinks people should be able to lose their entire fortune from the comfort of their own home.

- Chris L from Maryland calls, and Tom reminds him that The Wire is not eligible for the game because it is a television program. However, Tom would like to see it transition from the golden screen® to the silver screen so its 45 fans could revel in an extremely limited release and anoint it the best film ever made, ranting and raving about the fates of street soldier Snoop and embattled detective Jimmy McNulty. Chris thinks that Felicia "Snoop" Pearson has bright acting career ahead of her. Tom was not aware that Snoop was a female character. Chris L says the gender mix-up is a common mistake, and Tom thinks he may be judging him from the lofty throne of a tennis umpire.

Tom says that he's sure that when he finally unseals The Wire DVDs, he will think it's awesome, but until then he will continue to operate as a weird sniper in the hills, taking shots at both camps. Tom is the X-factor in this debate -- he makes no sense. Chris L compares Tom's strategy of playing both sides against the middle to Gabriel Byrne's tactical battle against rival gang leaders in Miller's Crossing. Tom thinks The Wire fans are ripe for a light pantsing (i.e., no rummaging) because they are walking around like they are the Kings of the School after winning a mathletic championship. The nerds think they are running things. Chris L points out that the rundown Baltimore schools generally do not have strong mathletic programs. Tom wonders if fans of the show have taken any real-world actions to try to reverse the inner-city horrors that have been illuminated during the past five seasons. Chris L says he has no plans to apply for a teaching position in the Baltimore City Public School System. He doesn't think the show has been a boon for Baltimore tourism, but Tom suspects that many die-hards have visited to check out the shooting locations. If he was a fan of the show, he would take the tour. Tom has no need for The Sopranos tours because he already travels the same routes as T in the opening credits. If he wants some onion rings, he just heads over to Holsten's in Bloomfield without any official guide telling him what's what.

Chris L envisions a three-part video game for the Led Zeppelin concert film, The Song Remains the Same:

1. The fontasy sequences blown up to the scope of The Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. Super-intense drag racing
3. Drum Hero challenges, such as playing John Bonham's "Moby Dick" solo

Tom doesn't like this game. He loves it and immediately greenlights it, assuming that is the correct industry jargon for authorizing production of a video game. Tom asks Chris L to help him brainstorm categories for next week's Best Show Awards. In addition to Best and Worst Caller, he was thinking about a Lifetime Achievement Award. Tom initially suspects that Mike would lobby for it, but he's likely content with his place near the cigarette vending machine in the Hall of Fame. Tom decides that he will bestow this prestigious honor upon himself. Chris L wonders if this will be a conflict of interest that may raise a red flag during the Price Waterhouse vote certification process. Tom is not concerned about getting his non-existent pay docked. He will avoid any potential controversy by forgoing accountants and working it all out on Tuesday afternoon at Panera Bread, which is also hosting this year's Oscar's ceremony. Chris L recommends a brief Best Call Screener montage highlighting the contributions of Dave, Matt, and Mike. Tom considers a Best Recapper category and floats the possibility that someone could swipe the award from Omar by launching a competing recap later tonight. Chris L suggests an award for Best Drunk Caller from Cincinnati. He's fighting back against JfC's zing. Chris L admits to being a little hurt about being called common, but he's numb to that particular pain by this point in his life.

- Tyler in Montclair 07042 thinks Repo Man would be a really fun video game. He says he would enjoy repossessing cars and looking for alien corpses in their trunks. Tom recommends that Tyler play the Time Bandits game so he can jump back 40 minutes to when Nate in St. Paul started things off with the same film. He GOMPs him for the transgression.

- Tom from Buffalo returns to rise above the primate order and deliver a solid call. Tom is confident that he can pull it off. TfB begins to discuss his idea for a Gimme Shelter video game, but he fears that he's bombing due to nervousness. Tom assures him that he's doing fine and directs him to walk over to the bathroom sink in his girlfriend's apartment. He wants TfB to get his third eye working with a splash of cold water. TfB does it and emerges with heightened consciousness and sharper focus. Gimme Shelter: The Game would be half Rock Band, challenging players to hold things down as the Arte Johnson cover band Rolling Stone, and half Hells Angel romp, keeping the large, unruly crowd in line with sawed-off pool cues. TfB would omit any murder from the game and keep the action limited to jostling. Tom is most excited to enter the level were you can beat up Jefferson Airplane's Marty Balin. He'd also like to see adaptations of the "People, people" crowd admonitions and the Grateful Dead fleeing the scene via helicopter. Tom congratulates TfB for a great call. He did it. He's in the club.

- Tom asks Laurie a multiple-choice question before proceeding to her video game.

Q. As a resident of Florida, are you:

A.) A Weirdo
B.) Old
C.) Super-Rich
D.) One of the Good People

(can be more than one)

Laurie says that most people would answer C based on her reputation from previous calls, most famously the receipt of a Mark Ryden painting for her 12th birthday, but that would be incorrect. Tom wants to know how many Julian Schnabel paintings she owns. Laurie says she doesn't own or want any of his stupid plate paintings. Tom, who is generally more of a Leroy Neiman fan, would want one because they are worth a ton of money. Laurie says that she would accept a freebie painting and then sell it. Tom offers to sell her a Schnabel piece for $150,000 with a guarantee to roll it for seven figures. Laurie declines the deal on principle. Tom thinks the use of the word "principle" is a telltale sign of Super-Rich status. Laurie says she did enjoy Schnabel's The Diving Bell and the Butterfly film. She wants to stop talking about her economic bracket.

The discussion shifts to the Florida primary, and Tom wants to know how things went at the polling location considering the state's esteemed track record of running smooth, scandal-free elections. Laurie says she saw a story on front page of The Miami Herald website indicating that confusion from some precinct workers led to registered Democrats not being counted. Laurie voted early last Sunday, even though Florida was stripped of their delegates for bumping up the primary one week. She mainly showed up to oppose an uncool referendum to install slot machines at a Miami-Dade county sports complex that has greyhound tracks. Tom agrees that this is an uncool move. As dog lovers, Tom and Laurie agree that sick animules are responsible for running the dog-racing racket.

Laurie completes the Werner Herzog hat track with a game based on Grizzly Man. Players can select the grizzly bears or grizzly bear enthusiast Timothy Treadwell. Tom points out that you will always lose if you play as Treadwell. He compares it to playing a There Will Be Blood and picking the oil rig instead of Daniel Day-Lewis. Tom says he'd also like to run through the woods as the bear, Anthony Hopkins, or Alec Baldwin in video game for The Edge, the source of the empowering quotation that served as a mantra for the program last year.

- Supercaller Dave in Knoxville calls to pitch Tom on a game for Spalding Gray's 1992 performance film, Monster in a Box. The game would contain the entire movie with the addition of a small orb appearing on the screen every few minutes. Players would then have three seconds to click said orb to avoid restarting the movie. You "win" by completing the film and unlocking the bonus deleted scenes (and a 90-second "featurette"). Tom concludes that if you win, you actually lose. Dave sees the game less as entertainment and more as a study in perseverance. Tom thinks it sounds fun. Dave confirms that "fun" is the sensation of wanting to gouge your eyes out.

Dave says that one or both of his children would like to call the show, and Tom grants them permission. Andy from Knoxville quickly flamed out last April when he called to discuss western North Carolina with special guest Seth Galifianakis. He was excited to hear that Seth's family hails from the same place where his maternal grandmother resides. However, Andy asked if he shared any of his father's clout as a newly-crowned Supercaller, and Tom hung up with a simple "No." Dave says that Andy has been terrified of Tom since the incident. Tom says his fear should dissipate because Dave just properly set up his future calls. The first attempt was like walking around town trying to buy things with Dave's credit card. Tom could not accept that card, but now Dave has come into his store and authorized its use. Dave says Andy may try again one night if he's not shaking in his boots too much. He will try to inspire his son by adapting the famous quote from The Edge: "What one man can do, another punk can do." Tom thinks Dave's tough talk is similar to Lieutenant Colonel Bull Meechum in The Great Santini. He gets an idea for a Wii Santini game in which you try to balance yourself as you walk up the steps while your abusive father pelts you in the head with basketballs.

- Tim from Hoboken 07030 calls with an idea for a video game based on The Mechanic, a 1972 thriller starring Charles Bronson as an aging hit man and Jan-Michael Vincent as his protege. He is confident that any game featuring that duo is a winner. Tom thinks it's a great game as long as Tim can secure the rights to use the likenesses of both actors. Tim thinks J-MV may be dead, but he's still holding on. As Bronson mentors his student in the efficiency of his craft, they get an assignment to kill The Guy With The Mustache (Pappa Keach), and the big twist -- of the film and the game -- is that J-MV turns on Bronson. Players would have to defeat a post-turn J-MV to win the game. Tim begins to reveal the film's ending, but Tom doesn't want him to ruin it in case he catches it while flipping around the channels at 3:30 a.m. Tim laments the lack of Bronson films on late-night cable compared to other action genre heavyweights. Tom explains this programming anomaly on the fact that time marches on. He informs Tim that a lot of other films have been made since The Mechanic and Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects . The torch has been passed to Steven Seagal. Tim goes ahead with his reveal of the ending.

MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING!!!!!

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J-MV kills Bronson, but Bronson enacts his revenge for his student's betrayal from beyond the grave:

Tom asks Tim if he's heading over to Benny Tudino's, but Tim hasn't been to the overrated pizza spot in a decade because the guys behind the counter exude a bit of a rude 'tude. Tom suspects that Tim is looking down on the salt-of-the-Earth slobs. He asks Tim if he would prefer it if BT's employed a trained bear to prepare his slices. Tim says his objections are not related to class -- he believes that rudeness is inexcusable in any walk of life. Tom thinks he should employ a nice smile to evaporate the rudeness, but Tim prefers his current passive-aggressive approach of simply never going there again. Tom wants him to return to the scene and be the nicest guy he can. If the BT's employees remain rude, he will join him in condemning the restaurant. For the record, Mike says he never got any attitude at BT's. Tim is fine with the 4,000 pizza alternatives in the tri-state area, but he will give it one more try for Tom.

- ROY frontrunner Eddie picks up where he left off after a brief hiatus due to some work duties. He delivers a Rock 'n' Roll High School video game centered around the quest of Riff Randall (P.J. Soles) to meet Joey Ramone and give him the titular song she wrote for the band. Other missions will include helping Kate Rambeau (Dey Young) win the affection of Tom Roberts (Vince Van Patten), delivering pizza to Dee Dee Ramone, eluding chubby hall monitors, and locating enough TNT to blow up Vince Lombari High School in the end. Eddie says that radio host Screamin' Steve Stevens (Don Steele) will appear in the game, although he did not mention anything about Clint Howard's connected Eaglebauer. The bottom line: Eddie did it again. Tom will not announce any winners tonight, but he urges Eddie to draft and acceptance speech and wear a nice suit next week.

I'd like to see a video game for Rock 'N' Roll High School 3 (aka RnRHS2K5), a project that was in the works at Marky Ramone Films a few years ago. The plot involved Marky developing a new strain of DNA that grows serial killers. Someone lifts it from his leather jacket, forcing him to save a hot teacher who has been kidnapped and thrown into a pit at The Continental by a newly-sprouted Hannibal Lecter. Rated HARD M.

- Martin in Edison, Eddie's ROY rival, calls to discuss the new Rambocky film. He saw it with a couple of friends for a good laff, and the most disturbing thing about the experience was spotting a guy sneaking into the film 30 minutes late with a 2-year-old in tow. Tom asks Martin if he saw the movie at a theater on Route #1. He did. However, he saw it on Friday night. Tom was there yesterday, and after his First Sunday screening let out, he saw a mutant escorting a child out of the Rambo theater. Martin confirms that it was a 90-minute bloodbath with nonstop artillery fire. He's glad the film was so loud because it drowned out the sound of the toddler crying. Tom imagines this monster debating whether he could get away with locking his kid in the closet while he saw the film. Martin says he was freaked out by The Empire Strikes Back when he saw it in his youth, so he can't imagine an even younger kid enduring the Stallone-choreographed violence of the fourth Rambo installment.

Martin's pick for a video game is considerably more low-key: On Golden Pond. Players will board the Chris-Craft boat and try to maneuver around rocks. Tom thinks the game would be therapeutic for old-timers looking to keep their motor skills sharp. He commends Martin for finding a niche market and recommends pitching it at his local GameStop. Tom tells Martin that while he's not the favorite to win ROY, his successful call kept him in the running.

- John from Waco calls with some bad news: he hasn't been able to shift any of Tom's "The Wacko From Waco" singles. Tom asks John if he would be willing to become a new Waco wacko in order to spark interest in the novelty tune. He doesn't want John to have to go as far out there as Branch Davidian cult leader John Krasinski Allen David Koresh, but something like wearing pajamas while riding around in a Day-Glo dunebuggy might be sufficiently wacky. John adds a crazy hat to the proposed wacky attire. Tom would also like to see John create a buzz on the Internet and write a letter to the editor of the Waco Herald-Times Examiner complaining about this new Waco Wacko on the loose.

John says that Rambo was the loudest movie he's ever experienced, even topping the notoriously ear-bleeding Armageddon. He thought the excessive violence was good for some laughs. Tom thinks Stallone would love to hear that people loved his movie ... because they openly mocked it. John sees a contradiction in Stallone's born-again Christianity and the fact that the new film is 10 times more violent than its predecessors. Perhaps Stallone needs to consider becoming born anew as one of Reggie Monroe's Christonians. Tom hopes Stallone dips further into his filmography to gain more closure with sequels to Cobra and Rhinestone. He's pretty sure that Stallone is the only person wondering what ever happened to John Rambo, and he's really sure that the answer to the character arc is NOT returning to the jungle at age 65 to fight. John noticed that Stallone was much bigger than he was in the first Rambo film, and Tom attributes the added bulk to either going to the gym three days a week or the 48 vials of HGH found in his luggage by Australian customs officials. John thinks that bust is crazy. Tom asks him if it rises to the level of wackiness. John believes it does, but he's not sure how to bring Sly to Waco. Tom hopes they can film Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot 2 there. He will be back in business as long as nobody listens to the Davidian-themed verses.

John thinks Death Proof would be a great RPG along the lines of the epic Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Tom correctly assumes that players must try to stay awake while Stuntman Mike talks in a bar for 55 minutes. John says the game contains 80 hours of dialogue leading up to a Dance Dance Revolution-style lapdance. The game skips over that bit of excitement in favor of more talking. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it. He suggests a Griiiiiiiiindhouse package, reuniting Death Proof with a Planet Terror game. The PT game would allow players to experience Josh Brolin picking up a check for his truck payment knowing that he had No Country for Old Men and American Gangster waiting to rescue him.

- Before Supercaller Erika can get to her entry, Tom gets an idea for a video game based on The Hospital, the Paddy Chayefsky-scripted black comedy starring George C. Scott as a suicidal doctor who spends an entire day yelling about a world gone mad. The game will only be available for the discontinued Sega Saturn and Dreamcast consoles. Erika returns to the Wii platform for a Mommie Dearest game. Players assume the role of Christina Crawford as she battles with her adoptive mother in a variety of mini-games, such as dodging wire hangers and trying to prevent her from drinking an entire bottle of wine. Erika admits it's a little dark, but still funny. Tom sees it as a niche market game, just like On Golden Pond, appealing to a female audience and offering an alternative to the stealth horrors of Manhunt. He thinks video game developers should further court females with a video game for the Hilary Swank romcom, P.S. I Love You. Erika suspects the goal of that game would be to avoid vomiting. Tom conquers the fontasy market with Escape from Meet the Spartans, a game where players attempt to break out of a locked theater showing the 300-centric pop-culture spoof. He tells Erika that she once again lived up to her Supercaller billing.

- Showbiz Sean in Los Angeles, who has previously toiled on Arrested Development and Scrubs, reports that there is nothing for him to sprinkle his magic on since the WGA strike sent his industry crashing to a halt. Tom suspects he took a writing job at Cigar Aficionado, but Sean says he's collecting a paycheck from the government to make ends meet. Tom is intrigued by The Blues Brothers cover story in the new issue and wonders if Dan Akroyd and Jim Belushi discuss cigars while in character. He can't recall Jim's Blues Brothers moniker, although he thinks "Creepy Blues" or "Little Jake" would be appropriate. (It's actually "Zee Blues.") Tom says his favorite Blues Brother is John Goodman's character from BBY2K, which was released in 1998 because producers were certain that it would become a massive hit with a two-year theatrical run. He checks out the film's cast online and discovers that Goodman played Mighty Mack McTeer alongside new member Cabel "Cab" Chamberlain (Joe Morton) and the 10-year-old Buster Blues. Tom wants to play a BBY2K game, which would reveal that there were no paying customers in the audience of previous Blues Brothers lives shows. Sean thinks they should make a really good video game based on the original film and then make a really bad sequel 28 years later.

Sean came up with a The Thomas Crown Affair game that allows players to select the 1968 Steve McQueen original or the 1999 Pierce Brosnan remake. In both versions players scope out art museums to steal priceless works of treasure and end up in Miami for the ultimate heist: breaking into Laurie's mansion and swiping her Damien Hirst shark. While it appears to be a dead shark preserved in formaldehyde, it springs to life so you have to fight it. Tom predicts that Laurie's alarm system would be the blaring sounds of Pulp's "Common People". Laurie luvs Jarv.

- Stephen in Chicago creates a video game based on Get Crazy, Allan Arkush's tribute to the Fillmore East, featuring Malcolm McDowell, Daniel Stern, Ed Begley, Jr., Fear's Lee Ving, and John Densmore from The Doors. Tom is surprised he's drawing a blank on a film that is so star-studded. Stephen says it's pretty terrible, amusing, and also boasts Lou Reed. In the multi-tiered game players Guitar Hero along with the soundtrack or confront GTA-grade mayhem while transporting Reed to the club. Tom says he would only want to play this game if he could beat up Max Wolfe (Allen Garfield), the character based on Bill Graham. Stephen recommends selecting Colin Beverly (Begley, Jr.), who is Wolfe's concert promoting nemesis. Tom likes it.

- Evan in Providence develops a video game of the animal revenge classic, Orca. Players can smash boats and village homes as the killer whale, attempt to kill/sweat and worry about it as Peter (sic) Harris, or pine after Harris as Charlotte Rambling. Evan says he would choose the whale. Tom isn't sure how the film got made, but he did think Robert Benchley's script was good.

- Daniel from Boston calls, and Tom wants to know if he's planning any big Super Bowl parties. Daniel says he'll be in New York on Sunday and doesn't care about the fate of his hometown team. Tom recommends removing his Patriots jersey after they win to avoid getting hurt. Daniel can't imagine any situation where he'd buy any Patriots-branded clothing, let alone wear it in enemy territory. He does think there is a chance he'll jump on the bandwagon to get off from work the following Tuesday for the victory parade. Tom is confused unless the parade route goes through his office or Daniel works in the middle of the street. He now really hopes the Patriots lose because the city has the plans worked out and people are banking on a holiday.

Daniel has a video game adaptation of Gymkata, the 1985 gymnastics/karate action film starring Olympian Kurt Thomas. Thomas plays a secret agent who travels to a fictional central Asian country to compete in a decathlon so the U.S. government could set up a missile facility. Daniels says the film's locations were littered with gymnastics equipment, including an alley fight in a leper colony where Thomas fended off 50 guys with the aid of a pommel horse. Tom says he cannot greenlight this disastrous and overly-clever game.

My Super Bowl prediction: Giants 17 Patriots 14. Mark it down. And don't sleep on David Tyree.

- Tom in Austin wants to bundle a multi-player online The Cannonball Run game with Brian's Smokey in the Bandit game. Hal Needham two-pack! He guesses that Tom would play as Burt Reynolds, but Tom informs him that there is no such character in the film. He will select J.J. McClure. Tom in Austin calls dibs on Jack Elam's Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing. Tom points out that there would be a Roger Moore character because despite playing Seymour Goldfarb, Jr., he kept reminding people that he was ... Rajamore! Tom loves the game. Home run.

- Jonathan from Mellow Cedar Grove says he began meditating about why there's so much competition in the world after hearing all of the video game talk. Tom's glad that he's getting in the spirit of things. He briefly considers trying to explore these issues, but he's got no time for it. Tom is especially irked that Jonathan called in after the topic buzzer to drunkenly mumble this weak take. He suspects Jonathan falls asleep and snores during his group meditation sessions. Tom gives him the dubious Flop of the Night award in a show otherwise filled with success. The sole blemish on a flawless evening. He thanks the Best Show callers for stepping up for the topic. He puts Jonathan in the penalty box and bans all callers from Cedar Grove -- an entire town takes the fall for one's man's folly. Tom will not lift the ban unless the mayor of Cedar Grove calls to beg for reinstatement. He's furious about the call, but he makes things right with a fusion of Paul McCartley, Ron Wood, Kenney Jones, Ronnie Lane, Ian McLagan, and Rod the Mod.

[Some additional Movies -----> Video Games can be found here.]

[Slogans and a bit more to follow.]

**********

Where Turkeys Dare by Weirder Jon from Maplewood:

It had snowed that day, and The Hate Pit was frigid. Now evening had descended, and Jeff Garlin was busy looking for twigs to keep the Pit fire lit. Bob Saget looked on, offering no assistance.

"Hey, Jeff, whaddya call a nun in a humidor?"

"SHUT UP, Bob!"

Jeff was in no mood for Bob or his debauched revelry. If it wasn't a filthy joke, then Bob was pitching his follow-up to Farce of the Penguins. The new movie had something to do with a horse that could perform surgery, and it was called Stable Condition. The thought was enough to make Jeff wince.

Bob simply dismissed Jeff as humorless and retreated down one of the Pit's darker catacombs, the one that emptied out into the television viewing area.

"Remembuhthetimei ... Yeahitwaslikethetimei ... Remembuhthetimei ... Yeahit'slikethetimei ..."

The television. Tom Scharpling was cruel overlord, putting Family Guy on infinite loop and spot-welding the controls to the television casing. But in a way, Bob found the repetitive noise from the television soothing. It allowed him to drift off, to cancel everybody else out. For brief periods of time, he could forget Jerry Seinfeld's constant demands for everyone to build him a car out of rocks, ash, and twigs. He could forget Mickey Dolenz's requests for people to shake his pinky finger. Of course that little move had backfired horribly on Mickey a few days earlier. Mickey had proposed the pinky shake to a ravenous Jeff Garlin and promptly lost that digit.

Bob was in his own little world when a noise grabbed his attention. He looked around and noticed that the sound had grabbed the attention of the others as well. The sound was coming from above, and the Pit inhabitants were all looking up. It was not an abnormal sound. People hear it every day. What was abnormal was it's proximity. It was close. Damn close. It was a helicopter. After another 10 seconds a high wind blew and a blaring light shined down. The helicopter was clearly hovering, but why? What new madness did Tom have in store for them, Bob thought. How much more could they take? The next sound was an amplified click followed by crippling feedback. A man's voice boomed, but it was not Tom.

"Listen up! A ladder is about to be lowered into your Pit. Bob Saget is to climb the ladder. No one else should attempt to climb the ladder. If anyone else attempts to follow Mr. Saget, tier gas will be deployed."

A ladder immediately unfurled into the Pit right next to Bob. The only feeling running through him was fear. He thought that leaving the Pit for any reason - even death - would bring with it unspeakable exultation. But no. He'd become strangely comfortable in his new surroundings. Stockholm syndrome, perhaps. He looked at the other Hate Pit inhabitants one last time. They looked back, full of the bile and venom that had gotten them there in the first place.

"Move it, Bob! Time is of the essence!"

Bob broke his gaze, looked up, and began to climb. Before he was even halfway up, and just after he had broken past the lip of the Pit, the helicopter lurched forward. It was moving frighteningly fast within seconds.

Moments earlier Tom Scharpling had been inside his trailer park, sucking on a bottle of Boone's Farm Country Quencher, watching the blooper real from Strotesick. Dogmo had noticed the sound outside even before the Pit alarm had been activated. Tom sprang from the couch, blew out the votive candles around the life-sized Kevin Smith poster, and grabbed his crossbow. With one hand gripping the weapon he used the other hand to vault over his kitchen table. He burst through his screen door head first. He was too late. The helicopter was already out of firing range. Tom was angry, but he was also fascinated. Who had the nerve and the resources to pull off a nighttime aerial Pit raid? Was the F.B.I. involved? The Yakuza? Dogmo growled. Tom spat on the ground in disgust and wiped his mouth with the hairy side of his forearm. He'd find the punk or punks who had taken what was his. You may fool Tom once, but then, inevitably, you turfed out.

A local Monkees fan had tried to pull Dolenz out of the Pit last year with a spool of discarded shock cord. That Monkees fan had ended up running away with a limp, holding his shirt to his swollen lip, trying not to swallow his own teeth.

to be continued ...

Tom read the electrifying conclusion to this story on the not-yet-recapped 2/12/08 program. Here it is.

Bob was exhausted when he entered the helicopter. He grasped for breath, and pulled himself from the carpeted floor to the luxurious leather seats. He was now too tired and confused to be scared. He looked around, panting, trying to figure out the nature of his circumstance. A wet bar to his left, a muted MSNBC broadcast on a small monitor to his left. Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto's version of "The Girl From Ipanema" playing in complete surround sound, perfectly audible in the soundproof cabin.

"Welcome aboard, Mr. Saget."

The voice took him by surprise. A young woman entered from behind a curtain, pushing a cart. Her slight build carried the burden of enormous blue eyes and black, cascading hair.

"May I interest you in some broiled duck, served with mango chutney and a freshly-baked popover?"

Bob didn't answer. He simply dropped his face into the plate and began to move his jaw. The taste of real food was overpowering. What he had eaten in The Hate Pit had not been "food." It had been an endless supply of aptly-named #2 meals from McDonald's.

"Welcome aboard, Bob," the voice came over an intercom, loud, friendly, male. "Let me just say that I am thrilled to finally meet you.

"Who are you? What the [bleep] do you want?!"

"Easy, Bob. I just saved your life. You're free! You've risen from The Hate Pit like a Phoenix from the ashes. This was said in a half-chuckle that did not please Bob in the least.

"Listen, you son of a [bleep], you tell me who you are right now! I'm an important man. People will be looking me - one call from me and you're in deep trouble!"

"Then let's just say my name's, uh, Hesh, or James. Take your pick. But that's all kind of irrelevant, you see, Bob. I'm your biggest fan, and I'm just here to save you."

Bob paused for about three seconds. "Really?"

"Really. I've been watching you since way back when you were just a potty-mouthed comic. Then I continued to watch in amazement as you repurposed yourself for the majesty that was Full House. But you didn't stop here. The scripting of sitcom television was holding you back, and the ad-libbing was always calling you. Enter America's Funniest Home Videos. You kept us laughing through those slim Reagan years with endless clips of good, honest people breaking their clavicles. But, alas, dogs [Henry Miller-ish filth censored by Tom] may keep people enthralled for years, but not you. Time for Bob Saget 4.0: penguins passing gas. Now you were a director, an auteur, a stage actor, there was no stopping you. So back you came being a toilet-mouthed comic. My hat's off to you, sir, for all those reasons. I spent my entire life savings to purchase this helicopter and plan a daring rescue from the dreaded Hate Pit."

This last sentence had ended in a dramatic crescendo with the final two words pronounced with their own respective exclamation points. Something like this: from the dreaded Hate! Pit! Unable to speak, Bob began to clap, slowly at first, then fast and fervently. The female attendant clapped along and smiled politely.

"That was amazing," Bob said. "It was like you've always known me, and you understand me. Thank you, thank you, I'm back!"

Bob got up out of the seat and began dancing around the cabin.

"Whoa, Bob, park your carcass, this ride can get pretty bumpy and that snowstorm sure kicked up a lot of wind. So sit back and enjoy the ride. I'm taking you New York City ASAP, where you can call a car service and make your way back to wherever you need to go. But first ..."

"Yeah?"

"I just need to make a quick stop over in Maplewood, New Jersey."

"What's in Maplewood, New Jersey?"

"Gas. Need gas for the chopper."

"Oh for crying out loud, fine, but make it snappy. Comedy is waiting for me!"

"Understood, sir."

The chopper made a hard turn to the right and began to descend. Bob looked out the window and tried to make out where he was in relation to the city. But to him the suburbs were just the pathetic old suburbs, and so it really didn't matter. Soon enough he would be pitching his masterpiece Stable Condition to the big shots in New York City. Bob felt his body jerk, and his attention came back to his surroundings. They had landed. After a moment, the door slid open. The sound was deafening. In front of him stood the mystery pilot, a friendly enough looking bald man, probably in his late-30s. Poor thing, Bob thought. This guy's never going to see the fame that I have. Never.

"WHY ARE YOU OPENING THE DOOR?!," Bob screamed over the whirring blades.

"What?"

"WHY ARE YOU OPENING THE DOOR?!"

"Can't hear you. You better follow me to where it's quieter."

Bob was cold and annoyed. The wind from the propellers only added to the frigid temperatures. He could see his breath again, just as if he were back in The Hate Pit. The thought was too painful to consider. If this guy Hesh was such a fan, then shouldn't he be trying a little harder to pamper his biggest hero? What infernal cheek. Reluctantly, Bob this fellow behind the house. The sound of the helicopter blades died as it shut down for refueling.

"So, James, can we wait inside. I'm freezing my [bleep] off!"

James/Hesh said nothing. He just smiled at Bob in the dark. The moon was full, and the two men looked blue and black in the not-so-dark darkness.

"Well, you gonna say something, Harpo?"

"Hey, Bob, look over here, on the other side of the yard near the rope swing. You see something?"

Bob squinted, but he didn't need to squint too hard. The object shone brightly in the cold, moonlit night. It was white and rectangular and probably a half-inch thick.

"Sure I see it. Looks like a screenplay."

"It is Bob, it is."

Bob was intrigued. It had been so long since he had seen one.

"And it's a comedy, Bob."

"Tell me more!"

"Really ridiculous premise. So ridiculous in fact, Nic Cage even turned it down."

Bob was starting to salivate at this point. He just wanted to thumb through it to see what it was about. Sure, Stable Condition would keep him busy for awhile, but what then? He always had room for more low- to zero-brow comedy.

"And ... uh ... what's it about?"

[Farrelly Brothers toilet jokes censored by Tom.]

Bob went from standing still to running in one second. Then he went from running to falling in half a second. The Pit opened up underneath him, swallowing him along with the artificial turf cover, a seesaw, and a snow blower. Bob landed hard about 30 feet down with the snow blower just missing his head. He was covered in snow, dirt, and unraked autumn leaves. He got up slowly, breathing heavily. He tried to speak, but no words would come. It was then that he saw the eyes. Several pairs, peeping at him from the shadows behind the fire. One of the pairs rose and advanced.

"It's okay, he's nice to us. He feeds us McDonald's if we're good, Arby's if we're bad."

Will Shortz, the editor of The New York Times crossword puzzle, emerged from the shadows, holding a ragged piece of paper.

"He also gives me these when I think on the others. It's a Daily News crossword. Maybe you can help me. Seven letters. Samuel L. blank."

Bob recoiled in horror. More faces moved forward from the shadows. Matthew Barney. Carrot Top. David Blaine. Avril Lavigne. They spoke in unison: "McDonald's if we're good, Arby's if we're bad. McDonald's if we're good, Arby's if we're bad." They approached slowly. The voices grew louder: "McDonald's if we're good, Arby's if we're bad." Bob looked to the heavens, unhinged his jaw, and let out an Earth-shaking cry of defiance that would go unanswered.

EPILOGUE

Jon from Maplewood looked down into the The Pit and washed off his hands with a moist towelette. He may have given fake names to protect himself in case the mission went awry, but everything about the life savings was true. He had scrimped and saved ever since The Aristocrats. Jon had no regrets. The man was now in his Pit, and all was right in the world.

Then the world seemed to skip a frame. Jon was on the ground, his knee in searing pain. Whatever it was that was sending the feeling of radiating fire through his leg had been powerful enough to take him off his feet. Teeth clenched, guttural noises, hissing, he willed his eyes open. Looking over his shoulder, he saw what had brought him down: an arrow. Tom swaggered around the corner and stood quietly next to Jon. Dogmo began to lick Jon's face. Tom smiled and opening his mouth to speak. All he said was "clowntime is over." He put one foot on Jon's leg to hold it steady and pulled the arrow out with the opposite hand. Jon let out a scream. The scream had nothing to do with the arrow being removed from his kneecap and everything to do with crushing failure. Tom took another arrow with heavy boating line attached to it and shot it into The Pit. A scream came up.

"Sorry about that, Carrot Top. Bob, climb on up."

********

Quentin Tarantino's There Will Be Sweathogs:

[More to come.]

© droog on AST

On the Next Best Show on WFMU: Super Tuesday!!!

Catering by: Captain's Donuts, Los Amigos, and The Pancake Promenade. Gift bags courtesy Dame Lola's Erotic White Chocolate and The Fudge Tub.

Will Spike prove himself to be the black Bruce Vilanch? Don't miss it! James and his fictitious girlfriend will be on the edge of their seat in the frathouse:

Posted by Omar at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

Patton gears up for Cliff Givens-level celebrity.

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Come now.

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