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The Devil and Arte Johnson.

"Yeah, I remember when she did that in 2005. It was a scandal. She's done 85 things since then. You're still mad about Offense #2?" -- Tom, informing Spike that the "fool woman" Spears has moved well beyond unbuckled kids
"I don't want to say my 'excuse', but that's what has led me to these, you know, kinda outbursts I outbursted when I was on your show before." -- Ken Rogers, attributing his foulmouthed non-interviews to his Tri-Polar Situation
"I loved it when Anna Nicole Smith died. It was awesome -- it was like, is it murder or what?" -- Julie from Cincinatti, reveling in true-crime celebrity gossip

[More to come.]

"The ladies of Newbridge had the most comfortable feet in the entire Tri-Bridge quad. And as we all know, it ended up becoming a den of foot perversion." -- Kurt Gaisburn, lamenting what became of Lady Foot Locker in the Edgar Ploppleton's era
"There's some charity in it also. We buy hot dogs for some of the poorer kids in town." -- Kurt Gaistburn, explaining the community outreach aspect of his Drugboro Pee-Wee slapfighting sponsorship
"At that point, Tom, honestly, he was taking 63 different pills, 23 of which were of his own making." -- Kurt Gaistburn on Captain Donut's outrageous pharmaceutical cocktail at the time of his rooftop hostage situation
"The chocolate is still there 'cause that's good. Children love chocolate." -- Kurt Gaistburn, keeping a beloved treat on the school lunch menu
"When I was a kid I used to ride my bike up and down Muffler Row without worrying about getting hit with bricks or getting guns thrown at me. That's not the case these days though, is it Tom?" -- Keith Gaistburn, recalling a more peaceful Newbridge youth
"I swear to God, you can hear his fat rolls just rippling when he talks. It's so disgusting. -- Kurt Gaistburn, informing his campaign manager about Tom's audible girth
"It was all I could do to hold down my wasabi-braised beef medallions -- it was that sick." -- Kurt Gaistburn, getting nauseous at the sight of a kid riding around in an old, banana-seat bike
And I swear, if you tell anybody, you're gonna be on the heart-stoppage list on Sunday. -- Kurt Gaistburn, threatening the Pharmacist-On-Duty at Drugville if he reveals the plot to poison Tom
"Uh, hello. Yes, this is ... what, you're name is Serge Gainsbourg?" -- Paul F. Tompkins, confusing Kurt Gaistburn's name with the French singer-songwriter
"You can't tell me that you've never fallen asleep to the whooshing and thud sounds." -- Kurt Gaistburn, attempting to get PFT to admit that he's used the Davies device


[TBSOWFMU - 1/22/08 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


Squeeze - "Cat On A Wall" (from the Packet of Three 12")

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The Late Show - "Take A Chance"

( Click here to read a blurb on Portable Pop)

The Shirts - "Too Much Trouble"

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The Act - "The Long Island Soul"

( Click here to read the Trouser Press entry for Too Late At 20)

Gaunt - "Sister Transistor"

( Click here to buy Kryptonite)

Treepeople - "Funnelhead"

( Click here to buy Something Vicious for Tomorrow/Time Whore)

Grifters - "Bronze Cast"

( Click here to buy Crappin' You Negative)

Monster Magnet - "Twin Earth"

( Click here to buy Judd Apatow's Superjudge: 24 Hours in the Life of Red Bank Rocker David Albert Wyndorf)


Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:



[Spike]

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The breaking point = sparse cutlery!


["Work right. Fly HARD."]

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No/Yes/No:

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During a recent trip to Barnes & Nobles Tom was hit by the full weight of all the things he hasn't read, classic literature and beyond. He believes he's ultimately more crafty than smart, and this educational void inspired tonight's topic: What Are The Things You Don't Know Anything About That You Should Know Something About. In short: I'm Stupid.

- A caller starts things off by saying that he should know more about self-control. He thinks Tom knows this about him. It's troubled author Ken Rogers, who has called the program at least four times dating back to last Spring to promote his book, Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into The Workplace. The interviews are always cut short because he's unable to avoid extremely filthy talk when responding to Tom's opening question.

The behavior is particularly disappointing because listeners have yet to hear Rogers discuss his work, which has had a very positive impact on Tom's life and the lives of many of his Consolidated Cardboard co-workers. Tom was first exposed to Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into The Workplace by the rave reviews from a guy in the CC personnel department. He left the book for people to read, but many, including Tom, were initially skeptical about its value. Tom ignored it for awhile, but something eventually intrigued him enough to take it home. When he finally started reading it, he responded to the book's central idea that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role inside the office. Rogers has stated that this crossover is particularly important when it comes to decision-making and interpersonal relationships. Tom has made repeated attempts to ask Rogers if a person's role in the overarching office hierarchy reflects on their stature -- or lack of stature -- outside of the workplace. Rogers cannot provide an answer that is fit for radio. He always calls back to offer an apparently sincere apologize and excuses ranging from generally tough times to maritable woes.

Rogers says he finally licked his problems with the help of Pastor Reynolds. He moved in with Reynolds and his family -- his dear wife, Sheila, and their two kids -- to aid his recovery. Rogers makes a wise decision to withhold the names of the Reynolds kids, but then tells Tom it's Richie and Sheila, Jr. Pastor Reynolds took Rogers to a psychologist who diagnosed him with Tri-Polar Situation, which, in a nutshell, means that things are tangled up in his brain. Rogers says this medical situation caused the outburts he outbursted on the program. The healing process has led him to a whole new place and an exciting new book. Before Rogers gets into his new work, he wants to tell PFT that he saw him last night on MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olberland. He thought he was very funny and exhibited a certain joie de vivre despite some objectionable political commentary. Ken disputes Tom's "joy of life" translation, but whatever the phrase means, he knows PFT has it. Rogers calls for the guest's attention, but Tom tells him that PFT stepped out of the studio for a moment. Ken thinks something sketchy is going on; Tom doesn't. Rogers is looking forward to hearing about it when PFT returns. He's confident that his new book, which will be out in two months on Penguin, will be a huge benefit to other TPS sufferers. Rogers says he'd love for Tom to write the title down, but Tom has to dump him because it contained seven of the filthiest words of all-time. Tom's at a loss regarding the latest outbursted outburst.


[Brian in Ventura, CA is having trouble feeding himself]

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[Kenny in West Caldwell plays guitar, loaded freight, and doesn't know enough about sports.]

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[JfC]

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[More to come.]


- A caller plays the little game by admitting that he's stupid because he hasn't done all he can do to help the people of Newbridge ... so FAR. He's surprised that Tom doesn't recognize his voice, but Tom does recognize his name: Kurt Gaistburn. As most listeners know, Gaistburn is a very successful local businessman, and he's looking to make a move into local politics.

Gaistburn is best known for his stint as the original owner of the legendary Lady Foot Locker when it opened in 1981 at Newbridge Commons. He sold it years later to Edgar Ploppleton, the father of Tom's Consolidated Cardboard co-worker and Greasy Funk Party Mayubernatorial candidate, Darren. Tom remembers the store thriving under Gaistburn's watch, and then Mr. Ploppleton promptly ran it straight into the ground. The Lady Foot Locker is now boarded up and vacant except for Bryce, a Party Party Mayubernatorial candidate and resident of the woodlands behind the store. Gaistburn reports that Bryce has been decorating the exterior with his drug-inspired graffiti. He draws the "Y" of his name to look like a "marijuana smoking vessel", including plumes of smoke emerging from the tip of the letter. Gaistburn thinks this is disgusting artwork, and he washed his hands of what the store became.

He points out that the ladies of Newbridge once had the most comfortable feet in the entire Tri-Bridge quad, but after the transition to Ploppleton, the Lady Foot Locker morphed into a "den of foot perversion" that was, presumably, less concerned with proper sizing. Gaistburn feels bad for Darren because he's now saddled with all of the lawsuits following his father's barging. Tom recalls hearing something about a barging, but Darren tends to be very private about his family with his co-workers. Gaistburn says he wouldn't be forthcoming about such an incident either. Edgar Ploppleton was a victim of a 4 a.m. barging, which, according to Gaistburn, is the worst kind of sendoff. He says the early-morning bargings indicate that the bargers are embarrassed to be associating with the disgraced bargee.

Gaistburn is reluctant to toot his own horn, but not enough to resist mentioning that he also opened two local drug stores: Drugville and Drugboro. He has used these businesses to further contribute to the community via sponsorship of the Drugboro Open-Hands Pee Wee Slapfighting League. Gaistburn says the goal of the recreational sport is to keep kids off the street. In addition to providing an outlet for Newbridge's youth, the initiative supports the charitable cause of buying hot dogs for some of the poorer kids in town. The age range of the Newbridge squad is 8 to 9, while other towns field teams ranging from 8 all the way up to 47. Gaistburn says that it can be kinda weird to have an 8-year-old slapping against a 45-year-old man. Tom is troubled by the unequal playing cage. Gaistburn can understand Tom's concern because there have been a lot of injuries during matches, although it's nothing that the employees of Drugville or Drugboro can't patch up. Tom says he shops at Drugboro, which is where he gets his blood-pressure prescription filled. Gaistburn is glad they can serve Tom's medicinal needs.

Gaistburn doesn't want to continue the horn-tooting, but he does want to give listeners a rich backstory to associate with his name. He's also a local legend for his role in a famous incident that that went down a couple of years ago at Captain's Donuts. The heavily-medicated Captain captured his morning customers and climbed to the roof of his shop. Since Gaistburn's pharmacies dole out his pills, he knew what he was up against. He got on a bullhorn to console the proprietor and successfully talked him down. Gaistburn also negotiated the release of all 83 hostages. Tom and Gaisturn both think it's a pretty impressive tally for a guy with only one human hand. (The Captain, who is Caucasian, has one black-ivory prosthetic hand.) Gaistburn also wonders why the shop was so crowded, although it was at 7 a.m., so many residents were likely stopping off on their way to work. Gaistburn says that at the time of the standoff the Captain was taking 63 different pills, including 23 that he manufactured himself with a bizarre array of materials, including various barks and gravel. He says there are some ingredients that still elude chemical analysis.


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Three key members of the Newbridge Weights & Means board hold an impromptu meeting outside the reconstructed Col. Jessup's Covered Bridge (October 2007)

As a respectable Newbridgeite, Gaistburn has served on a variety of local boards and commissions, most notably as the chairman of the Weights & Means Board. Tom thought it was Ways & Means, the common name for the committee that oversees tax policy. Gaistburn explains that this board determines how much weight each of Newbridge's many bridges can bear. He admits that the "Means" part has no legislative value - it just sounded cool. If pressed on it, Gaistburn will say that the "Means" part kinda describes what the "Weights" part means. Tom says he never questioned what those things actually meant. Gaistburn doesn't think anyone should ever question government. He is also very proud of the time he spent on the Newbridge school board. He was instrumental in getting the middle school to adopt a healthier lunch program by increasing the amount of carob in the student diet. Gaistburn says the carob served as a chocolate substitute, although the latter remained on the menu because it's good and children love it. He thinks the program was still worthwhile because if the children choose not to eat chocolate, they would have the option of the carob. Tom asks him if any kids actually choose carob. They don't. Tom is not surprised. He appreciates the effort, but he thinks an actual switchout would be more effective. Gaistburn points out that chocolate tastes so good. Tom doesn't dispute this.

Gaistburn also helped institute a tooter program in conjunction with Newbridge High School. The program helped students raise their grades so they could continue their education at Newbridge Community College. Gaistburn knows everyone is raving about the educational policy of Johnny-come-lately Mayubernatorial candidate Glenn Danzig, but he's quick to point out that the mentoring idea originated back in his school board says. He thinks Danzig is riding his coattails. Gaistburn says he's calling to make an even bigger announcement than the one Danzig recently made on the show. As one might guess, he's throwing his hat into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubernatorial election. Tom continues to have difficulty pronouncing Gaistburn. He could easily handle Gaisburn, which Gaistburn thinks is a terrible name, but the "t" is throwing him. Gaistburn, a lifelong resident, thinks he has a real love and feel for the people of Newbridge. He also has a grasp on the issues affecting both the consumer and the business end of the town's economy. Tom mentions that Newbridge is a special town, and Gaistburn points out that it's diverse landscape has everything from scuba diving to ski slopes. He plans to ensure that Newbridge is economically viable for the 21st Century by strengthening local businesses.

He's particularly worried about the decay of Muffler Row, a haven for erotic clubs like The Love Nest and Panty Boys. Tom says he no longer goes down there, and Gaistburn thinks that's wise because it's a disgrace compared to what it used to be. When he was a kid, he used to ride his bike up and down Muffler Row without worrying about getting hit with bricks or getting guns thrown at him. Those days are long one, and Tom confirms that he would not allow his kid to ride down the street. Gaistburn thinks these kinds of social changes signal that Newbridge is at a crossroads. Tom agrees, and he wants to know what is on Gaistburn's political agenda beyond cleaning up some of the seedier areas of town. Gaistburn says he's most definitely pro-business, but he will not build his town up at the expense of what has made it one of the most special towns in America. He wants progress without forgetting what made Newbridge special in the first place: the people. He thinks the town has a lot to offer to its residents. Tom says he's heard from a lot of candidates, and he thinks Gaistburn is one of the most balanced and thoughtful. Gaistburn thanks Tom for the compliment. He praises Tom and his radio show for being an important asset to the Newbridge community by lending a voice to the people. Tom appreciates the kind words. Gaistburn apologizes for having to take a very important call. Here is a transcript:

Kurt Gaistburn: NO! I said, NO! How many times do I have to say no to you?

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: That is not what I said.

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: You got the memo earlier today didn't you, Steve?

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Come on! You know how I feel about this issue.

(Tom: Ew, boy)

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Will you shut up?!

(Tom: [bemused chuckle])

Kurt Gaistburn: Look, there's no gray area here.

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: You make this right, or you're gone, buddy!

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Believe it!

Steve: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Goodbye!

Gaistburn apologizes again for the interruption. Tom asks him if he's okay because it sounded like he was losing his marbles during the call. Gaistburn didn't realize that Tom could hear the conversation. While he's embarrassed by the outburst he just outbursted, he freely admits to having a temper when it comes to things going wrong for the people of Newbridge. He won't apologize for that because it proves that he cares. He points out that all of the great politicians who ever lived shared that same spirit and spunk. Gaistburn says he never claimed to be perfect, but he thinks he's the right man for the mayor's office. He's not sure about Tom, but he'd prefer someone whose fire and passion leads them astray every once in a while over some of the town's current leaders. Gaistburn thinks they seem like they are asleep half the time, and Tom has also noticed a lack of focus of late. Tom also observes that Kurt likes addressing him by name. Gaistburn wonders why Tom mentioned that, but Tom just wants to continue digging into the crossroads discussion. Gaistburn gets a call from his campaign manager, Steve, about some very serious stuff. Here is a transcript:

Kurt Gaistburn: Hey, Mike. Uhhh... This is the downside of running for office, man. I'm on the phone with this fat blob who hosts this ... I guess it's like a local high school radio show or something. Guy's a total clown. I swear to God, you can hear his fat rolls just rippling when he talks. It's so disgusting. Uhh, it's actually hard to make out every other word he says because it sounds like he's eating this ... like a foot-long Snickers bar in between each word -- it's so gross. You can practically smell his sweat, it's so disgusting.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: You're never gonna believe this. I swear he's using one of those voice modulators. I mean, his voice isn't even that low now, so ...

(Tom: What?)

Kurt Gaistburn: (cont.) ... if it sounds like it's just on the underside of being deep -- which it's not, even -- can you imagine what it sounds like when he's not using it? It's probably like a prepubescent mouse or something. It's so hilarious.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: [laughs] Hey, so, Mike. I really think I should wait until I get elected before I drop the news about the new nuclear power plant that we're gonna have here in Newbridge.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: What?!

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Nobody can say anything about it at that point because I'm gonna be King then! I mean nuclear power -- is it nuke-lee-er or nukeler power?

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: It is nuke-lee-er, okay. I guess I've been saying it wrong like half the time, I'm sor--

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Well, we'll fix it, right?

Mike: "..."

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Kurt Gaistburn: Okay, I mean the stuff is pretty safe, right? I mean, have you ever seen how dirty those coal stones are? They're like pitch-black and then like when those poor people -- you know, you see them, like, you know how you used to see that footage of those like dumb kids and they'd be picking up the coal and like their fingers would be like torn off, and they'd be throwing the coal, and then theyd show their like stubby fingers to the camera and the coal would be like black into their stubs. It's nothing like that, is it?

(Tom: Uhh... What is ...?)

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: So. Also. When I win this stupid election, how long do I have to wait before I can put this wall up?

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: The wall that divides the poor people from us.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Well, we gotta make sure those poor slobs don't anywhere near us, right?

Mike: "..."

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Kurt Gaistburn: I'm telling you, just the other day, I saw some kid riding a bike up my street ... let me tell you, by the looks of that bike, he was most definitely not from our side of town, if you know what I mean. It made me sick. I didn't even know they still made banana seats anymore.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Uhhh, it was all I could do to hold down my wasabi-braised beef medallions -- it was that sick. Uhhh.

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Alright, well, I will ... um, I'll talk to you later, okay? And um ... you're gonna line up whatshername tonight, right, for me?

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Awesome. Okay, thank you. I can't wait. Give her a little more than last time, okay?

Mike: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Thanks. Okay.

Gaistburn picks right back up where he left off with Tom. He thinks that every constintuet deserves to hear their name spoken back to them as many times as possible because they are involved in the crossroads of Newbridge's lifetime. Gaistburn cites this historic moment as the reason he keeps saying "Tom." He suspects that it makes Tom feel good to hear his name spoken aloud with such frequency. At this point, Tom is not too concerned about name repetition because he's more than a little thrown by what he just heard. Gaistburn wonders if Tom is referring to a record he played while he was taking the call. Tom tells him that he heard everything he said to his campaign manager. Kurt is shocked by this revelation.

Tom recounts the lowlights of this brief phone call between hideous men: secret plans for a nuclear power plant, a barrier to divide the rich and poor, audible fat-roll jiggling, and oversized Snickers consumption. Gaistburn was hoping that Tom was at least kinda fat, but Tom tells him that is false. Gaistburn moans an "ew, boy" and appears to be very distraught about his inaccurate statements. He hopes that Tom won't tell the voting public about his factual errors. Tom tells him that he's on the radio. Gaistburn is relieved that it's going to tape, and he knows he has Tom's words that it will never be broadcast. Tom informs him that he's conducting a live interview, and Gaistburn is shocked anew. Tom wants to know if he really has that much contempt for the poor people of Newbridge. Gaistburn says he was just rehearsing dialogue for Mayubernatorial Knights, a play he's doing for the Newbridge Community Play Troupe. The scene he performed was a soliloquy by the lead character, Ray-Ray. He claims that he was reading pages because he's still on book. Gaistburn gets another super-important call, and he promises that this is the last one. He tells Tom to hold.

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Kurt Gaistburn: Hey. Yeah, it's Kurt. Gotta let me speak to the Pharmacist-On-Duty.

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Hey. (quietly) It's CONDOR. I need you to do something for me. It's super-important, okay?

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Look up the prescription for Tom Scharpling. S-C-H-A-R-P-L-I-N-G. I think it's two Gs at the end. I-N-G-G.

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Yeah. It's some sort of low-blood-pressure medication or something.

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Here's what I need you to do, okay? Listen to me very carefully. I need you to switch that with 7,000 mg of "The Stuff."

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Yeah, "The Stuff." You heard me. Make sure it's as strong as possible. I gotta make sure that this creep ... (heavy breathing) he's on the heart-stoppage list by Saturday, okay?

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Do you promise?

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: And I swear, if you tell anybody, you're gonna be on the heart-stoppage list on Sunday.

(Tom: Oh my God.)

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Okay? Great.

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: Alright, there's an extra 6 in it, for ya.

POD: "..."

Kurt Gaistburn: What? Not $600, you dummy. $6. Who do you think I am, Randall Savage? Go back to work, you jerk.



Tom can't believe his life is only worth $6. Gaistburn returns to the air and says that, much like Newbridge, Tom is at a crossroads. He thinks Tom knows what he means. Tom doesn't like the way it sounds, but he can't figure it out. Gaistburn informs him that he's reached the same crossroads that Arte Johnson reached down in the Mississippi Delta. Tom is confused by the reference to the comic actor known for his work on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. Gaistburn thinks Tom is thinking of the Smothers Brothers comedy team. He's not, and he wants to know who Gaistburn is talking about. Gaistburn is alarmed that Tom is playing music on a high school radio station and cannot identify Arte Johnson. Gaistburn says he's referring to the bluesman who wrote many songs that Rolling Stone covered. Tom tells him that he's thinking of the Faustian bargainer Robert Johnson and failed to pluralize Stone. Gaistburn thinks that latter charge is neither here nor there, and he's still shocked that Tom has never heard of the bluesman Arte Johnson. Tom is certain that there's a good reason for this gap in his musical knowledge.

Gaistburn thinks it will also be shocking when Tom doesn't wake up on Saturday. Tom thought he hung up post-death threat like many callers, but Gaistburn is still there and doesn't know anything about any threats. Tom tells him that there is now way he will be elected after what he said tonight on the radio. Gaistburn insists that he will get elected, and Tom will get electerocuted. Tom confirms the punishment as a standard electrocution, and Gaistburn says he was just trying to make it sound more playful. His campaign slogan is actually "The more playful candidate." Tom thought he'd opt for something more serious. Gaistburn says he's very serious, and he lets Tom guess what he's most serious about. Tom guesses it involves his murder. Gaistburn suspects Tom read about the plot in his campaign notes, so he will sue him. He lays out his plan: he will get elected and then bring Judge Davies back to sit at his little "judge podium" (aka his bench) and hear Tom's case. Gaistburn envisions Tom entering the courtroom with severe shackles that make him look like a pig roasting on a spit. Here is a transcript of the speedy trial that Gaistburn does as a role-play scenario:

Judge Davies: [extended swooshing and whirring sounds] Name please.

Tom Scharpling: Tom Scharpling

Judge Davies: [louder swooshing and whirring sounds with some grunt-like noises] Guilty. [fading sounds of whooshing and thudding]

Tom correctly assumes the noises are coming from his device. He denies ever using one. Gaistburn admits to indulging, and Tom has no interest in talking about those sessions. Gaistburn asks Tom if his guest is the guy he saw last night on Countdown with Keith Olberland. Tom confirms that it's Paul F. Tompkins, and Gaistburn wants to talk to him. PFT gets on the microphone and asks if he's speaking to a man named Serge Gainsbourg. Gaistburn is taken aback by the error, and he tells PFT it's Kurt. PFT apologies, noting that he's not from the Newbridge area. Even though he's from out of town, Gaistburn is pretty sure PFT has used the device in the past. PFT is not sure what he means. Gaistburn refuses to believe that PFT has never fallen asleep to the whoosing and thud sounds. PFT says he has fallen asleep to those sounds, but not in tandem and not as a result of using a device. Gaistburn says he'd love to send PFT one of the devices he whittles as a hobby. PFT takes him up on that and can see why he's the more playful candidate.

Tom reiterates that there is no way he will win the Mayubernatorial race after spouting such harsh rhetoric over the air. Since Tom stumbled a bit over "Mayubernatorial", Gaistburn requests that he remove the pippin from his mouth. Tom's not sure what that is and decides to move forward without further reflection. He wishes Gaistburn all the best, and Gaistburn wishes none of the best to Tom. He will see him in the gallows under Town Hall. Tom didn't know they existed. Gaistburn says his first act as mayor will be to make them bigger so they can store Tom's fat rolls. He hangs up after that parting zinger. Tom's not sure what he's doing to deserve weekly death threats. PFT says his life has never been threatened.


[More to come.]


On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tune in at 8:16 p.m. SHARP for the premiere of Judge Spike: The Ultimate Argument Settler, featuring bailiff Charles Ray and court reporter Dion DiMucci! Also: Ken Rogers calls back to announce that he is forming Ken Rogers & the Tri-Polar Situation, a Power Pop band featuring Sister Sheila drummer Lonnie St. James, Herman Menderchuk from Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk, and Milt (aka "Dr. Keys") from The Consolidated/Hell Toupee. I've heard the demos. Get ready to meet Ken's catchy little choruses.

I went to the crossroad, fell down on my knees
I went to the crossroad, fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above "Have mercy, now save poor Arte, if you please

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