Sweeney Tom: The Demon Barber of Velndonom Way.
"That's my brotherhood? No! That's not my brotherhood. I gotta be a smaller fish in a bigger pond. It's time." -- Tom, swimming away from his pajama-clad peers in 2008
"I hit the wrong button! I hit the wrong button! The year's gonna be a disaster now!" -- Tom, ushering in the New Year with a not-so-supercaller
"I've never met him, but he doesn't come across as a very savory character." -- Dave from Knoxville, enrolling Spike in a new club
"Hey Eddie and Sophie, Daddy's got one coming out to you, some La Düsseldorf going out to Eddie and Sophie, coming right at you from WFMU!" -- An elated caller, dedicating Asia's "Heat of the Moment" to his two children
"I'm fine. I'm the one bringin' it. I'm trapped. Trapped. Apparently I'm doing the show from Arkham Asylum somehow." -- Tom, trying to figure out how he ended up in the DC Universe psych ward
"I'm the victim. I saw Death to Smoochy." -- Tom, zinging a belligerent and employed Jon Stewart
[More to come.]
"I've got one thing to say to yez: Happy Belabored Hoagie Days, Tom!" -- Philly Boy Roy, making a triumphant return to the show
"I had to rent a huge oice chest to keep 'em fresh." -- Philly Boy Roy on the storage solution for his 232 Christmas gifts
"We had like a little bit of string, it's kinda like a rope, you know, to keep people away, to keep the children away." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining the sole safety precautions for his New Year's M-80 bomb raid
"That boy sure does have a smooth tongue." -- Philly Boy Roy, embracing his son's ability to seduce local law enforcement officials to surrender their clothing and firearms
"It's kinda like that Charles Bronson movie Hard Times, but for kids. I'm the ref!" -- Philly Boy Roy on his son's violent television project
"Are you okay? Ok, because I forgot to ask you if you was strapped in and helmeted." -- Philly Boy Roy, making sure Tom was not injured by his candicacy
"That's how we do it in Philly. Every two weeks." -- Philly Boy Roy on his city's eccentric bathing habits
"Like a mitten, like you put on your hand? Oh. my. God." -- Philly Boy Roy, expressing shock at the name of one of his fellow Republicans
"I like-a this guy ... Roy. He is good guy." -- Borat Oblama, stumping for Philly Boy Roy's candidacy
"He's nuts" -- Rhoda Ziegler (off-air) on Tom's bizarre statements during her husband's call
[More to come.]
The Daily Void - "Die Stiletto"
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Sonic Chicken 4 - "Shalalalalove"
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New Salem Witch Hunters - "Falling"
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The Othermothers - "Rodeo" (from the 1986 Welcome to Comboland compilation)
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Guv'ner - "Anything"
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Grover - "Superhero"
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Brad Laner - "Alambres"
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Alcest - "Souvenirs D'un Autre Monde"
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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Tom's back for another year of mirth, music, and mayhem, and he announces that The Best Show will no longer operate on clowntime. Sorry, clowns. This will not be your year. The 2008 edition of the listener-requested program begins with some headphone issues, but Tom checks his levels and finds his sonic balance with skills that recall prime ('79-'83) Kendrick Martin. These minor glitches would derail the many low-rent podcasts that litter the landscape, but this show cannot be stopped. Sweeney Tom is ready to slice and dice his way through the field to settle some scores that have lingered for far too long. It's payback time. No more fooling around. Revenge! Tom is sick of being mired alongside fake-radio also-rans who record "shows" while lounging around in their pajamas.
He can't believe this is his brotherhood, and he aims to break away from the pack by becoming a smaller fish in a bigger pond. Tom will conduct a master class in a New School. He points out that during these amateur programs you can actually hear the mailman slide the proprietors' spank mags through the slot, setting their dogs off on barking fits. This is not his brotherhood. Tom will shed the fraternal disorder in 2008. He may not know karate, but he's emerging as an extremely talented belt-whipper. Wear a helmet and other protective gear as you see fit. Place the kiddies behind a line of twine. You've been warned.
Mike the Associate Producer, surging in the polls* thanks to Campaign Manager Chris L's ingenious snacks-for-posters deal, is back from his hiatus, and he informs Tom that a forward-thinking Supercaller is ready to kick the year off on the right, fully-rejuvenated foot. However, Tom hits the wrong button and gets someone completely different.
*A new Newbridge Herald-Times Herald/TRUMP Magazine poll reveals that Mike also got a 3-point bump after he cried during an interview at Sunday's "Pancakes & Playoffs" event as Los Amigos. He was apparently very upset at the media for hounding Rolo Tony Romo about his vacation to Mexico with pop singer Jessica Simpson.
- The sound of a "Heeeelllloooo, Tom" hits the airwaves instead of the soothing Supercaller tones of Paycheque in Toronto, Erika from Baltimore, or Dave from Knoxville. It's Spike from Queens. Tom is horrified that he hit the wrong button and sealed the year's disastrous fate. Spike cackles at his misfortune. Tom says it's the worst laugh he's ever heard. Spike thinks people love his laugh, and upon further reflection Tom admits that it is very warm and endearing. Spike says he wouldn't have it any other way. A bit later in the program Tom says that people have likely heard this demonic guffaw just prior to blacking out. After gliding through gates and clouds, they are greeted by the dude at the desk, who acknowedges their horrible fate on Earth.
Spike's holiday season was nice and long, and he had a fun Black Christmas in the dungeon, which he lined with garland and other festive decor items (including, I assume, Chucky/Bride of Chucky dolls dressed as a mini Santa/Mrs. Claus couple). Tom asks Spike to name his favorite Christmas carol, and he says it's The Chipmunks' "The Christmas Song". There is considerable confusion about whether Spike is saying the actual title of the tune or just applying a generic tag to the rodent group's holiday offering. Spike attempts to sing it, but he cannot recall the lyrics beyond the word "Christmas." Tom heard enough to determine the song in question. Spike says it's the one that's been around for 50 years. Recidivism Exclusive: it's called "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)".
Spike did not see Alvin and the Chipmunks because he is prohibited by law from seeing any films rated PG or below. Spike dismisses the legal restrictions, claiming that he simply doesn't do "kids movies." I can't believe David Cross is in that film! Oh well, I guess he probably caught that role after Brian Hussein and Rich Vos passed on it. Spike does think that Ratalouie looked interesting because of Patton Oswald's work as Rémy, and Tom highly recommends checking it out. Spike says he will give it a whirl on DVD. Tom reminds him to get permission from his parole officer, but Spike says he's allowed to view the film. Tom thinks this is tough talk for 2008 and wonders if his PO is on vacation. Spike says he doesn't do parole officers. Spike's New Year's resolutions are the usual: lose weight and call The Best Show every week. Tom wants him to drop that second one right now. Spike gets Tom by hanging up. Tom hit the wrong button and then Spike GOMPed him. He doesn't like it.
- Supercaller Dave from Knoxville settles for the second slot and requests Elvis Costello's "Clowntime Is Over." Tom says he almost played it in his opening music set to reinforce the notion that the goofball clock has expired. Dave hopes Tom plays it some year. (Tom last played it on 7/11/06 as part of his triumphant, return after the Bad Guys took him down.) Dave is very excited about the New Year because he thinks it will be the best year ever for Tom, himself, and Supercaller Erika. Dave is confident that Erika will do what she says she's gonna try to do and everyone will feed off this triumph. Tom loves it and compares Dave's optimistic fervor to Tiny Tim. Dave is, of course, referring to Erika's admirable quest to defeat Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut in the annual Chesapeake Bay Crab Cake Crunch in May. I'm predicting "Proposition" Joe Stewart, reigning Goetze Caramel Creams champion (1,874 in 12 minutes), in a mild upset. I would also watch out for food artist Jeffrey "Duff" Goldman, Baltimore Orioles outfielder Nick Markakis, and John Waters.
Dave has no specific plans for 2008 -- he's just open to whatever happens, and he thinks it's gonna be good. Tom thinks this cool and laidback attitude is similar to the approach of John Monad as he wandered through Imperial Beach. Dave was a little worried when he heard Spike's voice because he thought he had somehow made an improbable ascension to the Supercaller throne. Tom considers making Spike the fourth Supercaller to shake things up for 2008. Dave says that Spike would have to be added to the poster. He then adapts Groucho Marx's famous telegram to the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT [SPIKE] AS A MEMBER". Dave has never met Spike, but he doesn't think he comes across as a very savory character. Tom confirms that unsavory is an accurate description.
Dave suggests creating an Unsavory Callers Group to include Spike, James, and other mutant enemies. He thinks the Supercallers need the UCG much like the The Avengers battled their villainous counterparts. Tom doesn't know anything about that because he was more into Archie Comics. He's more of a Jughead Jones expert. Dave mentions that the Archie gang had to deal with a pack of bullies, but Tom doesn't know anything about that because he didn't really pay attention to the narrative arcs. He was more a fan of Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge. Dave was afraid that Tom would mention Riverdale High School principal Waldo Weatherbee, a man Dave is beginning to resemble. Tom says he wasn't a Weatherbee fan and disputes the likeness. Dave, who will turn 50 this summer, insists that his appearance is moving towards Weatherbeedom. Tom thinks Dave could turn his aging process into a gig portraying The Bee on the party circuit for one of the celebrity lookalike services. As he nears the half-century mark, Dave worries about being perceived as the creepy old guy who hangs out in inappropriate social settings. Tom assures him that these days anything goes so Dave should do what he wants. Dave wishes Tom a great show, and Tom wishes Dave a great year.
- An excited Alex in Parsippany calls with some belabored December wishes and a resolution to call more often in 2008. He says his only memorable previous call involved stating his preference to not be chained to Morrissey while navigating a swamp. Tom remembers that call well. (No, he doesn't.) Alex was out of the country for a couple of months, and Tom made his Christmas by doing a show despite being ill. Tom's heroic turn was Alex's Christmas triumph. Alex apologizes for not calling then to wish him these wishes, but he figures it's better late than never. He tells Tom to take care of himself and have a Happy New Year. Tom thinks Alex is cruising for some overheating and recommends pouring some cold water in the tank to cool things down.
Tom summons former call screener Dave to the on-deck circle after Mike lets a female mutant through. He's considering making some staff changes in 2008 because Mike has become too complacent in his associate producing duties. Tom quickly scraps the lineup change because Mike has earned the stripes of his lofty post through blood, barbershop sweat, and tears. Mikes is on Tom's side. However, Tom asks Mike if he'd be willing to have a battle with someone who wants his job. Mike seems open to the idea, but he does want to know what the event would entail. Tom outlines the early stages of a decathlon:
1. The Wire trivia (hosted by Kip Palfner, armed with his "razor cane")
2. Flamingo Diner trivia
3. Flamingo Diner meatloaf eating contest. (Tom thought he spotted Mike eating the meatloaf there, but Mike denies it.)
Potential remaining events:
4. Erotic Hypnosis-Off / Grateful Dead "Name That Tune" (hosted by Jim Lange and Robert Hunter)
5. Rail Sprint (first person to inhale extra-thick lines of cocaine around the perimeter of Herman Ze German's Nip In The Bud LP) / Guitar Hero III: Bighouse Blues Challenge
6. Great Adventure Log Flume Race / Gum Removal
7. Fishing for Carp in Lake Newbridge
8. Donut Toss (first person to ring three on Captain Donut's black ivory prosthetic hand)
9. Musket Shoot during either of the 2008 Colonial Days street festivals (bonus points for Best Powdered Wig)
10. Pancake Flipping Contest at the PP / Turkey Pancake Fun Swim (November 2008)
- Julie from Cincinnati calls to tell Tom that she loves him. She would also like her dog, Yetta, to be a guest star on the show. Julie never eats meatloaf, but her dog loves it. Tom says that Dogmo loves it, too. While their pets share similar culinary pursuits, he doesn't know what a special guest dog would contribute to the program. Julie doesn't know either, but she suspects Yetta would entertain listeners by eating some meatloaf. She begs Tom to approve the appearance because she needs a vacation. Tom informs her that he will not be able to fly the two of them to Jersey City for the guest spot. Julie says she will pay for her own accommodations at a Red Roof Inn, but Yetta would bark on the show. Tom says the dog could bark over the phone, but Julie fails to elicit any sounds from Yetta. She breaks the silence with some filth talk. See God, Julie.
Tom begins to wonder what 2009 will be like. He resigns himself to just riding out the remaining 357 days of 2008. In addition to kicking the clowns to the curb, Tom is abandoning his Mr. Nice Guy persona. He believe he's earned the right to fly free and not share elbow room with third-graders. The Best Show is the cream of the crop, and Tom is holding court in an old-timey salon like the Algonquin Roundtable, where Peter Benchley would sit around and talk about sharks.
Cyrus P. Winthrop IV (Paul F. Tompkins) glares at Daniel Planview (Daniel Day-Whitaker) in There Will Be Blood
- Mike from Urbana, IL, calls to find out if Tom has seen the new Paul Thomas Anderson epic. Tom has not, but Mike caught an advance midnight screening in Chicago. Tom accuses him of showing off, but Mike says it was his only chance to see the picture. Tom is not privy to Paramount Vantage's plans to destroy all of the prints next week. He also doesn't understand the rush to see a film that takes place 100 years ago. Tom believes he can hold off for a few more days since PTA is not breaking any news with his tycoon tale. Mike argues that the film contains parallels to the current sociopolitical climate, and Tom fears that Plainview is a fictional stand-in for the sitting President. Mike says the politics are not ridiculously overt, but it does examine the volatile mix of oil and America. Tom is not sure he has much interest in seeing a film about this country.
Mike says that he enjoyed the film so much that it took him a few days to realize that he did not locate Paul F. Tompkins. He's convinced that PFT does not actually appear in the film. Tom thinks he plays a character named Cyrus P. Winthrop IV, but he can't confirm if he's disguised in old-man makeup. He plans to see the film, and Mike asks him to try to find PFT. Mike has seen some other films this holiday season, but he can't recall any of the titles. Tom thanks him for calling. PFT later confirms via IM that he did make the final cut.
- The self-proclaimed "Supercaller James" calls with the year's first James-ing. Tom thinks it may be time for Pangaea, but another caller recommends cheering everyone up with something from late 1970s Krautrockers La Düsseldorf, featuring the Dinger brothers from Neu! The caller once owned a La Düsseldorf LP, but it broke. He tells Tom that his two kids, Eddie and Sophie, would also enjoy hearing a track. Mike returns with what appears to be a burned copy of one of their albums. The caller can't recommend a specific tune, but he's confident that most of their output is good. Tom gets him to dedicate the song to his children, and then he graciously fulfills the request. He was not a fan of the La Düsseldorf recording.
- Artist's rendering of Petey's 9th birthday party:
- Tom tries to get things moving by unveiling the year's first topic: Who Would You Kick Off The Planet Via Space Shuttle Launch To Make 2008 A Better Year? Before he can even start the initial boarding process Jeremy (aka "Poughkeepsie") checks in to say he was not the person claiming to be "Supercaller James." Tom doesn't care. James played with fire and the blaze continues to scorch The Best Show turf. Tom plans to terminate the program and enter the shuttle if the arson continues. (I'd get Chief Ray Ploppleton on this ASAP.) The shuttle only has room for one, so Tom will kick everyone off like an action villain delivering a boot to the face of his henchmen as he tries to board a getaway helicopter. In a nutshell, you'll tumble to your death.
- Greg in Orange, NJ 07050, books a flight for Republican Presidential candidoodle Rudolph Guiliani. He's amused that Rudy has been reduced to embers as his campaign continues to flame out in the face of challengers like John McCain and Mitten Romulus. Greg asks Tom if he plans to go to the Borat Oblama event tomorrow at St. Peter's College in JC. Tom will not attend, and Greg thinks the decision is hilarious. He interprets it as an a rejection of Oblama, but Tom points out that he can vote for someone without going to a rally. Greg says he thought the event was more of a fundraiser. He starts laughing again, and Tom can't take it any more. It appears that Greg was invited to Petey's birthday gathering. Tom decides he will board the shuttle even if Guiliani is already on it.
- Supercaller Erika from The Wire headquarters calls to help the show escape from the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. She launches Mike "The Ox" Hucklebee into space because she's not into his right-wing religion or his bass playing in the rock band Capitol Offense. Tom enjoys seeing the ultra-L7 political creeps take stabs at coolness by parading around with an instrument. Erika considers Bill Clinton's 1992 saxophone performance on The Arseenio Hall Show to be the lowpoint of his career. It was so absurd that her memory of it takes the form of a cartoon. Erika doesn't care for the stiff stage presence of the pols, and Tom finds their musicianship lacking. He's not interested in hearing Huckabee stumble through the opening riff in "Satisfaction" or the theme from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. Erika announces that she will whip out the clarinet of her youth if she ever runs for office. While I'm generally not a big fan of Huckabee's playing, he had some pretty amazing runs at last year's Bass Fest over in Jefferton. Wizzard went nuts when he pulled out the Tony Levin funk fingers.
Tom refers to the first hour of tonight's program as The Apprentice: The Mutant Edition. He declares it the worst stretch since a seafaring listener had a young boy drop off an oice chest.
- Rising improvisational comedian John Junk assigns a seat to scotch-fueled provocateur Christopher Hitchens for writing God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. He doesn't know that much about Hitchens, but he's mad that he thinks he has the authority to sway the believers. Tom thinks Hitchens, who previously issued a takedown of Mother Theresa, is simply trying too hard to shift units. He also condemns the public for embracing Cody Diablo's Juneau. Junk has avoided it because the trailer made him want to hide under his seat. He asks Tom to explain the deal with Charlie Wilson's War, the new Sorkin-scripted Tom Hanks vehicle. Tom is pretending the film doesn't exist. He thanks Junk for providing a 1-degree turnaround in the show's fortunes.
[More passengers to come.]
- A caller politely requests two tickets for Denzel Whitaker and wants to know why Tom don't like him. Tom points out that he's not a real person, but the caller claims that Denzel Whitaker appeared in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Tom explains that the actor Forest Whitaker played football star Charles Jefferson in that film. The caller has no idea who that is and doesn't think Tom knows what he's talking about. Tom mentions that Forest Whitaker also starred as Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in last year's The Last King of Scotland. The caller is still confused: "Who's she?" Tom tells him that Amin was a male. The caller isn't sold on the gender because he believes Tom is nuts (a theme that will recur throughout this call). While the accent and misinformation was certainly a tipoff, the caller asks Tom if he can identify him. Tom knows who it is, but the caller provides one final hint by wishing him a Happy Belabored Hoagie Days. It's Philly Boy Roy, who last called in August while trying to escape from an Amish community that rejected his music and behavior.
Tom inquires about the origins of the "Philly Boy Roy" nickname, and PBR says he got it at birth. The rhyming moniker follows in the tradition of nicknames like his mother's "Philly Girl Shirl" and "Philly Man Stan." Tom likes the naming convention, but PBR wants to know why he doesn't love it. Tom apologizes for not loving it. PBR wants him to say that he loves it. Tom admits that he does kinda love it. The discussion shifts to the Christmas haul, so Tom mentions the painting of his dog. PBR thinks Tom's dog is a Schnitzau named Mojo. Tom tells him that Dogmo is half pitbull and half something else. Roy got hoagies, and he wants Tom to guess the exact number. Tom starts at 10 and goes up to 100. PBR says it's a smidge higher, so Tom tries 104. PBR says he got 232 hoagies from all different people who assumed that is what he wanted. He had to rent a huge oice chest to keep them fresh. The odd pronunciation for this container throws Tom, so he requests a spelling. PBR says it's "i-c-e." Tom delivers the more common pronunciation, and PBR doesn't seem to detect much of a difference. He wants to move on to his wild New Year's festivities.
While Tom had a quiet evening at home, the Ziegler's participated in their traditional celebration: blowing up nine trash cans with M-80s in the middle of the street. Tom suspects this is dangerous, but PBR downplays it because the pyrotechnics are simply intended to honor the starting lineup of the 1980 Phillies. He recreates the spectacle by doing an explosion sound effect while running through the diamond deities: Pete Rose, Manny Trillo, Larry Bowa, Mike Schmidt, Gary Maddox, Bake McBride, Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone, and pitching ace Steve Carlton. Rumor has it that Roy, Jr. blasted an additional can for closer Tug McGraw. Tom thinks it make sense to honor the World Series champions as long the family considered potential safety hazards. PBR asks Tom to define "safety" and "consideration." Tom defines the words as making sure that nobody gets hurt. PBR needs definitions of "sure", "nobody", and "hurt." Tom asks him if the garbage cans were empty. They were not. Tom wants to know if the cans are near people, and PBR says they were within five feet of spectators. However, the Zieglers did use a bit of twine to rope off the area to keep children away from the blasts. Tom is not too impressed by this meager safety measure.
After saluting the Phillies, PBR says they blew up six more trash cans for each of the Rocky movies. The family then blew up a station wagon that was parked in front of their house. This blast did not honor any local heroes -- they did it because it was fun and the vehicle's owner should not have parked there anyway. The car bombing aroused the suspicion of Officer Harrups, but Roy, Jr. was able to sweet talk him out of pressing any charges, as well as his gun and uniform. PBR seems to be impressed with his son's smooth-tongued charm. Tom assumes it would take considerable charm for a teenager to talk a cop out of his uniform. PBR says it helps that Roy, Jr. now sports a mustache that's thicker than Tom Shelleck's. Tom tells him that the facially-endowed actor is Tom Selleck from Magnum, P.I.. PBR agrees to disagree because he doesn't know who that is and thinks Tom said the word "magnet."
PBR reveals that Roy, Jr. has also convinced Channel 3 to air Roy, Jr's Kid's Beat, his new children's program. Tom assumed it involved Roy, Jr. doing news stories for and about kids, but he's actually fighting them. PBR says it's kind of like a kids version of the Charles Bronson movie Hard Times. PBR serves as the referee, and the winner gets all the TastyKake Krimpets they can stuff inside their pants. Tom wants to know the age rage of the juvenile pugilists. PBR isn't sure if Roy, Jr. is 15 or 16 because he looks like he's 30 with the mustache ... and the muscles. PBR is pretty sure that his son is taking Human Growth Hormone, but he doesn't want to get into it on the air. Rhoda is already on his case about it. PBR asks Tom to keep all of this under his hat.
PBR heard Tom talking earlier about crossing picket lines, and he says he crosses those almost every day on his way to work. He was unable to secure his old job at Wawa after his ill-advised foray into the Amish life and his rocky tenure at the helm of the store's Roxboro-based music label. Despite the early success of the debut from The Minions, a Dr. Dog side-project, PBR heard no hits in Ben Gibbard's solo demos and is facing legal action over the release of a live Rolling Stones album he recorded during the 1981 Tattoo You tour. Tom reminds him that he had no right to commercially release a Stones bootleg, but PBR seems unconvinced. The greatest tragedy of the demise of Wawa Records is that we'll never get to hear ?uestlove's Lee "Scratch" Perry-meets-Club Ninja-era Blue Öyster Cult project featuring PBR's Blade Runner-inspired lyrics.
PBR says he was forced to take a job at Cumberland Farms, an inferior chain, and he now jumps over several white picket fences en route. Tom tells him that he was referring to a line of disgruntled workers who are picketing their employers over a labor issues. PBR wonders if people jump over these people like Evil Knievel on a motorcycle. He would like to see that feat, but Tom says there are no daredevils working the protests. PBR says it sounds like these picketers have a gripe, and he laments that everyone seems to be against something these days. Tom says that workers sometimes have to strike to strengthen their position during a labor dispute. PBR says he never thought about it that way. He's sure people in Tom's area will be against him at some point. Tom wants to know why.
PBR says the conflict will arise from his candidacy, and Tom doesn't know what he's talking about. PBR isn't sure if Tom can hear it over the phone, but he has four pancakes on the griddle because he's throwing his miniature Eagles helmet that he got at Dairy Queen into the ring for the Mayuganadadatorial race in Newbridge. Tom's confused because that is a New Jersey election. He wants to know how and why PBR is going to pull this off. PBR is concerned because he forgot to ask Tom if he was strapped in and helmeted prior to making his announcement. Tom says he was able to withstand the shock of that news. PBR can run for office in the state because he has a P.O. Box in Newbridge for his spank mags. Rhoda prefers that these periodicals are not delivered to the house. Tom doubts that would count as a residence, although I suppose it's about as valid as Gene Simmons Toyota qualifying as a legal dwelling due to a cot in the back room. PBR says once a month he puts a clothespin on his nose and drives up to Stink City to get his mags. He explains that the clothespin is in place so he don't smell nothin'. Tom got that.
PBR grants Tom some guesses about his party affiliation. Tom runs down some of PBR's favorites: The Cheesesteak Party, The Hooters Party, The Hall & Oates Party, The Wawa Party, The Teddy Pendergrass Party, and The Frank Rizzo Party. PBR tells Tom to think of sports. Tom misfires on The Eagles Party, The Allen Iverson Party, and The 76ers Party. The more general Philly Pride Party is also incorrect. Tom starts getting close with some of the staples of the Ziegler diet: The Peanut Chews Party, The TastyKake Party, and The KandiKakes Party. PBR says Tom is really close with his last guess, and he's ready to turn over nem cards. PBR reveals that he's running for the Re-pub-li-can Party. Tom is surprised by his choice, and PBR wonders why Tom is not a Republican since it seems like a cool party.
His slogan, "Get ready to eat my little hoagie", is intended to prepare Newbridge for an infusion of Philadelphia values. The "little hoagie" is his platform, which includes mandatory bathing once every two weeks. Tom doesn't think hygeine is much of an issue in New Jersey, but PBR says that's the way they do it in Philly. While a bath or shower would be ideal, PBR says he would be approve of residents just slopping some water under their arms. He will also anoint Nem Hooters' "All You Zombies" as the official state song. PBR starts singing it, and Tom contributes some minor backing vocals. He's amused by the lyric, "Yeah, they was the Israelites."
PBR vows to try to rally other Republican leaders to join his squad, such as Mick Rombley, Mike Hucklebee, Borat Oblama. Tom thought PBR said Nick Rombley, and PBR can't believe that somebody with a radio show knows nothing about politics. He thinks it's sad. PBR confirms that Rombley shares a first name with Mick Jagger. Tom informs him that his name is Mitt. PBR is shocked, and Tom says he didn't assign the name. PBR requests a spelling, and he can't believe the man is named like a mitten you put on your hand. PBR asks Tom to hang on while he tells Rhoda that Tom thinks Mick Rombley's real name is Mitten. Rhoda relays a message saying that Tom is nuts. Tom also points that it's Mike Huckabee. PBR thinks that's a stupid name, and Tom agrees. He didn't name him either.
PBR believes that Borat Oblama is from the movie where he travels to Assbackistan to make fun of all the poor people. He thinks it's hilarious and great that he didn't pay them for getting mocked. Tom says the Republican leader in question is not Borat, and PBR plans to adjust his platform accordingly. He writes down "not Borat" as a reminder. PBR planned to have Borat do some speeches for him, an he does a quick impression of Oblama telling potential supporters that he likes him. Tom says Borat is a comedian, but Roy thought the film was a documentary. He thinks Tom's nuts. PBR tells Rhoda that Tom says that that movie they saw and didn't like wasn't a documentary. Rhoda agrees that Tom's nuts. Tom thinks she's wrong. PBR will not tell Rhoda that because she would come and get Tom.
PBR would love to get a "Rock and Politics" tour with Rombley, Hucklebee, and Oblama joined by the Foo Fighters, America's Only Rock BandTM. He tells Tom that they are up for 19 Grammy awards. Tom wasn't sure of the nomination count for Dave Grohl's ubiquitous modern rock act. PBR says he knows that the Foo Fighters are the greatest band ever because he reads Entertainment Weekly or USA Today. Tom does peruse those publications, but they are not his go-to sources for music information. He doesn't think the Foo Fighters deserve these accolades, and PBR thinks he's nuts. He plans to debate Tom on this important issue. Tom doesn't know what he means. PBR tells Rhoda that Tom doesn't know what "debate" means. Rhoda calls Tom nuts again. Tom says he knows what it means, but he won't participate in any debates because he's not running for mayor. PBR wonders if Tom failed to get the required 37 signatures. He says he got all of his at the post office. Tom says he doesn't want to seek elected office, and PBR thinks this is the standard line from everyone who doesn't get the signatures.
PBR says he'll run into Tom on the campaign trail -- he'll be the guy with the giant clothespin on his nose. Tom is sure that people will love voting for someone who thinks the town he will represent has an offensive odor. PBR vows to change everything and become the King of Newbridge. He says his first act will be committing Tom's murder. Tom is not surprised to hear this. PBR didn't know he was that predictable, and he wonders if Tom can predict some other stuff he will do to him before he dies. Tom predicts some kind of humiliation involving a cheesesteak and a Phillies uniform. PBR thinks Tom may be inside his mind right now. He asks Tom if he's seen his sketches. Tom denies it, but PBR tells Rhoda the bad news anyway. He doesn't like this at all. Much like the fate promised by Ronald Thomas Clontle, PBR will draw and quarter Tom. In this scenario, Rhoda will draw Tom while he throws quarters at him. PBR abruptly hangs up. Tom wonders if he's the only person in Newbridge not running for mayor, although he was recently spotted making a campaign speech alongside Jillian Barberie and his security chief, Zed from Zardoz.
[More to come.]
[More to come, including comedian Payton Osgood.]
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Turn your radio volume down at 8:47 p.m. so you can watch my performance on the seventh season premiere of American Idol! Several Fox producers repeatedly warned me about dropping any SPOILERS, but let's just say Mr. Simon Cowell was really into my a paella rendition of Big Dipper's "Younger Bums." I'm going to Weird-O-Wood!!!!!!!!!!