Danzig V: How the Gods Govern.
"I threw up writing it, and Trent threw up reading it, and the guy who made the copies of it -- he threw up while he was making the copies of it. It's so sick." -- Glenn Danzig on the vomit-inducing adaptation of his The Flesh Devourers comic
"I think I could really do a lot for that crappy town." -- Glenn Danzig, catching the Newbridge political fever
"No, Doyle's not a teacher. It would be someone who's actually qualified." -- Glenn Danzig, dismissing Tom's assumption that he'd employ his former Misfits bandmate in his new mentoring program
"At night, they'd come to Lodi High to play some basketball, and the place would just stink to low Hell." -- Glenn Danzig, reminiscing about his encounters with the Newbridge "sewer monkeys"
"I don't want to contribute to Tina's, you know, whatever, delinquency. I'll let her figure that out herself when she's 12 or something." -- Glenn Danzig, deciding against getting his eight-year-old niece a Bratz doll for Christmas
"Or before. Or during! I come off stage several times to change." -- Glenn Danzig, giving Tom plenty of options for having a beer at the KernDome show
Drive Like Jehu - "New Math"
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Imperial Teen - "Lipstick"
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Coffin Break - "Pop Fanatic"
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Bloodsport - "Mettle of Man"
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Sorry - "One More Step"
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The Capstan Shafts - "'Lauren Behold' (A Discussion with a Stripper Over Canadian Style Health Care)"
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Big Red Bus - "Cathedral Walls"
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Guided By Voices - "Of Mites and Men"
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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
[More to come?]
- THE Glenn Danzig checks in during his radio blitz to promote his "The Blackest of the Black" show on December 22nd at the Newbridge KernDome. He apologizes for a hoarse voice that's still recovering from belting out tunes on the last leg. (Rumor has it that Glenn also got into a shouting match with John Darnielle in the True Crime section of a Denver bookstore. They apparently have differing views on the real identity of The Zodiac Killer. The two musicians eventually bonded over a mutual love for Carcass's Heartwork.) Tom doesn't get the reference in the name of the tour, so Glenn suspects that he's not a real rock 'n roll fan. Tom explains that he likes rock and a lot of Glenn's music, but he doesn't have an encyclopedic memory of his catalog. Glenn tells him it's a line from "Her Black Wings", a track from Danzig II: Lucifuge. He quickly moves past the oversight because he really just wants to pump the show, which he promises will be a sick experience.
Glenn will share the bill with Doyle's Frankenstein, the current band of his former Misfits bandmate Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein. Glenn just produced their "totally disturbing" self-titled debut. He says the the career-spanning show will feature a full Danzig set, including plenty of selections from The Lost Tracks of Danzig, a Samhain set, and then Doyle will join him for some Misfits classics. Glenn assures Tom that it will be sick, insane, and horrific. Tom's looking forward to it. Glenn, who is a Lodi native, says it will be cool to end the tour in New Jersey. Since he's having some work done to his L.A. home, he'll be crashing with his sister and her husband in Newbridge for the holidays. Glenn thinks it will be weird to spend Christmas with the Harrops family. Glenn's sister, Darlene, married Officer Harrops back in the early 1990s. Tom is, of course, familiar with Harrops, who seemingly spends the bulk of his time trying to track down troubled callers to the program. Glenn thinks he's a decent guy despite being a cop.
Glenn says he has some massive news that requires Tom to strap himself in and put on his helmet. He's certain that the head protection will be necessary. After hearing similar safety directives prefacing major announcements in recent months, Tom thinks he can guess what Glenn is about to drop. Glenn wants to hear his prediction. In a nutshell, Tom is pretty sure the bombshell is that he's about to throw his codpiece into the ring for the 2008 Newbridge Mayubernatorial race. Glenn says he didn't know anything about the upcoming elections. He was about to reveal that his comic book, The Flesh Devourers, is being turned into a movie with Trent L. Strauss (Splattered Dreams, Rambocky, the little-seen and subsequently confiscated Make Love to Me Before I Embalm You Alive) attached as the director. The sick plot involves a family of churchgoers turning into flesh devourers after getting attacked by a pack of wild wolverines. Glenn says the tale is so sick that it caused a trio of vomits: he threw up while writing it, Trent threw up while reading it, and a guy threw up while making copies of it.
Now that Glenn has had a few seconds to mull it over, he would like to run for mayor because he thinks he can really do a lot for the crappy town. Glenn grew up about 40 minutes from Newbridge, and he remembers that his Lodi crew used to have a heated rivalry with the Newbridge kids. They referred to them as "sewer monkeys." Tom has heard the same derogatory term from people in other towns. Glenn says the slur is based on the open sewer that used to be in the middle of town. Local officials ran out of money to fix it, so kids would get sprayed with sewer water on the way to school. Glenn remembers the sewage-coated Newbridge kids going over to Lodi High at night to play basketball, causing the gym to stink to "low Hell." Glenn & Co. would also climb atop one of the garages on Muffler Row, which was then called Road St. Glenn says he and his friends thought the name was so stupid it was awesome. They would take their positions and throw the soggy handburgers sold at Newbridge Hardware at unsuspecting pedestrians. Glenn thinks he once killed a guy with the projectile. If it happened, he thinks it was great. Tom recalls his uncle getting hit by one of the handburgers, and now he knows the responsible party. He says that on one hand it's still horrible that they were firing food at people, but in a weird way it's an honor to get hit by something thrown off a garage by Glenn Danzig. Glenn doesn't think it's that weird.
Glenn knows he could revitalize Newbridge, and Tom can't wait to hear one of his proposals. Glenn says he'd start by getting the schools up to snuff. His niece, Tina, is really struggling with math, and there's nobody at school to take her under her (black?) wing to offer one-on-one tutoring. Glenn plans to solve the severe understaffing problem by instituting a mentoring program. Tom suspects he would hire Doyle as a mentor, but Glenn points out that he's not a certified teacher. He says he would hire someone who is qualified to assist students. Tom thinks it actually sounds like a good idea.
Glenn is also very concerned about the state of the Newbridge Public Library. He says Darlene told him that it's only open until 6 p.m. Tom says it used to be open until 9 p.m., but they were forced to reduce the hours due to budget restrictions. (I wonder if these cutbacks are stemming from Zachary Brimstead's "Barbershop Eros" spending spree this past Spring. Seems like the Shakira guarantee that taxpayers had to eat could have funded most of the Newbridge public services for the rest of the decade.) Glenn thinks it's ridiculous, and he would make sure the library is open until at least 9 p.m. so students and working stiffs can go there after dinner and work. Tom assumes he wants to keep the library open late for some kind of horror initiative (perhaps NCoS meetings?) cloaked in darkness. Glenn plans to keep the lights on so people can read and study. He says patrons are free to read about horror, but that is not why he's doing it. Glenn is frustrated that Tom appears to think it's all a big joke. Tom says these all seem like pretty good issues, and Glenn's not done yet.
He's not sure how Newbridge is getting away with being the only town in America that hasn't raised its minimum wage since 1985. Glenn suspects that Judge Davies had something to do with keeping it at $3.35/hour. He's not surprised to find out that Davies was removed from the bench for using the device. He knew people would find out about it at some point. Glenn's older brother, Gary, used to repair the offending devices when he worked at an electronics store in West Eastbridge. Glenn says that Davies tried to play it off like they were little hand massagers, but it was obvious what their function really was. He loves the sickness of it all. Glenn would also wire Newbridge for Wi-Fi without raising taxes at all, if possible. Tom's definitely on board with that. Darlene told Glenn that Newbridge is still using dial-up, and Tom confirms that almost all of the town proper lacks broadband access. The wealthier residents of Newbridge Estates are the only ones with high-speed connections. Glenn thinks it's nuts, and he will do something about it. He also thinks that Newbridge needs to start re-investing tax dollars into the local economy to create more jobs and help local businesses. Glenn is looking into opening a comic book store in Newbridge Commons. The possible location is the long-vacant Lady Foot Locker, and Glenn heard there was some guy living behind it. Tom tells him that Bryce, who is running for mayor on a bong-distribution platform, staked his claim to the surrounding area as his makeshift home. Glenn says he will take care of that.
Glenn does see some positive aspects of Newbridge: the Hanging Turkish Gardens, Newbridge Harbor, and Newbridge Canyon and Monroe Estates, two of the most respected vineyards in the country. Tom didn't know they had such a good rep in the wine world. Glenn says it sounds like Tom's not a "winey." Tom confirms that he's not. Glenn also mentions Mt. Gortner, one of the best skiing destinations on the East Coast, Little Canada, Littler Canada, and the Newbridge Museum of the Finer Arts. Glenn is less enthused about the local sports scene. He asks Tom to explain why Newbridge has three sports arenas, but no professional teams. Tom says they've tried to launch slapfighting and belt-whipping leagues, but Glenn is talking about real sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey. Tom admits to getting stuck in the local mindset, and Glenn thinks this is a problem for most Newbridge residents. He will try to expand their horizons by officially throwing his evil, thorny helmet into the ring. Tom has heard a fair number of candidates discuss their platforms, and he thinks Glenn's is by far the most sensible. He has Tom's vote at this point.
Glenn correctly assumes that most of the other candidates are making their official announcements at a pancake-related function. Tom thinks he will organize a horror-themed pancake event. Glenn says that Newbridge is in its current state because people like Tom think it's all a big joke. Tom apologizes and allows Glenn to discuss his pancake plans. He intends to devote a section of the KernDome show to Doyle coming around with a platter of pancakes for fans. Glenn will announce his bid for office from the stage and set off some kind of pancake mosh pit. He's confident he can secure the required 37 signatures for inclusion on the ballot.
Glenn needs some advice from Tom because he's going to take Tina and her fourth-grade friends to the movies when he arrives in town. He wants to know if Ratalouie is still playing. Tom thinks it's out on DVD, and Glenn says the one criteria for the event is going to an actual theater. Tom suggests the animated Hate Pit opus, Bee Movie, but Glenn is intrigued by the new princess movie. Tom tells him that Enchanted is probably a good choice for them. Glenn writes it down, but he's concerned the PG film might be too graphic. He was thinking more like G. Tom eases his concerns by mentioning that it's a Disney production. Glenn also wants some help with the difficult task of picking out Christmas gift for Tina. He's really bad at that stuff, and he fears that a Bratz doll might be old news. Tom says that a lot of parents are concerned that the dolls, which are often adorned in miniskirts, fishnet stockings, and feathered boas, promote a trashy image to young girls. Glenn says he likes that imagery for himself, but he doesn't want to contribute to Tina's delinquency. He prefers to let her figure that out for herself when she's 12.
Glenn asks for more recommendations just as he gets an idea for an origami kit as a possible present. Tom suggests a gift card to the educational toy store in Newbridge Commons. Glenn likes the idea, and he plans to Google it. Tom thinks the store is called EggHeadz. He tells Glenn that gift cards are a great way to get around the increasingly fickle tastes of today's youth and avoid getting insane looks. Glenn is hoping he doesn't misfire again and have to endure another round of "I hate Uncle Glenn" grumblings. He really appreciate's Tom's help.
Glenn has to sign off to call two more stations, but he'd love to meet up with Tom for a beer at the KernDome show. Tom assumes it will be post-show, but Glenn says they could meet up before or even during because he comes off stage several times to change. Tom says he would love it. Glenn promises to put Tom and his call screener, Keith, on the guest list. Tom says it's Mike, and he discloses that he is also a candidate for mayor. Glenn appreciates the closure, and he is nice enough to still let his competition come to the show. He puts Tom down for +2 and Mike for +1. Glenn says they will both get the full treatment. Tom's new friend: Glenn Danzig. A frontrunner emerges!
[More to come?]
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Jerry Only (not from Olney) denounces Glenn Danzig's candidacy and lobbies for more Misfits merch points, Bob Saget steals Matthew Fluxblog's Wi-Fi connection to IM Tom a new version of "The Aristocrats", and Todd Phillips's new movie gets torn asunder. BYOH!