James Run Free.
"My goal would be someday to get a Leroy Neiman painting of myself, and hang it at the steakhouse I will have bought by then." -- Tom, wishing for some semi-abstract dining room decor
"I don't think I've read any Mark Twain since I was in school, but I have read four Henry Rollins tour diaries since then. I've read 1,000 pages of Henry Rollins." -- Tom, getting in the van instead of boarding the raft
"What's the guy doing a roast? What is he, Lisa Lampanelli? Roasting the customers?" -- Tom, trying to figure out the MO of a sassy
Friars ClubApplebee's waiter
"I love the show so much that I want to ruin it." -- A twitchy, sweaty James, explaining his mutant behavior in the Metropolitan Pavillion warsh room
"Is it Lenny and Squiggy? Is that where they got that from? From Of Mice of Men? I can't remember. I don't pay attention to that stuff -- it's old." -- Tom, wondering if the sitcom greasers sprung from the pages of the Steinbeck novel
"The guy's going around the bases, you think he's Lou Brock. The guy was 410 pounds." -- Tom, asking technology to slow down the Brimsteadian Bambino to his actual home run gait
"I mean, that's who I would feel sorry for -- the elf who's on wagon duty up there. Building rocking horses. That elf is in trouble. That elf is out of work now. " -- Tom, lamenting the plight of Santa's craftsman in a modern world
"What're you wearing an ascot? I can hear your ascot over the radio." -- Tom, detecting the sartorial sounds of a Criterion enthusiast
"It's a monumental slice of Americana." -- Gene Simmons on the significance of the song he co-wrote with Bob Dylan
"Oh my God, so that's like a decree of yours, or what? Coming from down on high, I guess." -- Gene, inquiring about Tom's decision to not play any Kiss records
"You're such a judger. It's like you're one of those people that creates nothing, yet judges all." -- Gene, firing back at Tom for questioning his Gold record certifications
"Lesson #1, Chet, never get married. You can have a wonderful home life and still ---- ---- - ----- as much as you want." -- Gene, offering some interpersonal advice to his GST business partner
"You know, I would ask you to be my campaign manager, but I hate you." -- Gene Simmons, denying Tom a spot on his mayubernatorial team
"Tom, it's okay to be jealous. I welcome your jealousy. I actually revel in it." -- Gene, celebrating his overstuffed wallet at Tom's expense
"You can take that to the bank. Not my bank, of course, they would never let you in the door. They'd laugh you out of it." -- Gene Simmons, directing Tom to cash his threat to turn WFMU into a car wash at a less prestigious financial institution
"Get ready. Heads will roll. Well, I should say head will roll. Yours." -- Gene Simmons, preparing Tom for an axe bass decaptiation
"You truly are sick, and you really do scare me. The only thing that doesn't worry me is that I know I could knock you out with one punch. You're very frail." -- Tom, preparing James for a KO
"You don't like it? Why not? It's just OK? It's pumpkin pie! It's The Wire of pies. It's pumpkin pie, it's so good." -- Tom, informing Mike of the proper pie hierarchy
"They don't even know what a can opener is. And I like that kind of ignorance." -- Andy from L.A. on the blissful freshness of Paquito Mas
"If the act of picking at a scab could be a human, that's what he would be." -- Tom on the personification of Coagulating James
"Maybe the one guy has the power to put you to sleep, and the other guy has the power to keep you asleep." -- Tom on the superheroic powers of rhythm section of the rock group U2
"Dutch is gonna be like George Carlin, but with less jokes." -- Tom, making a push for the Mark Twain
Warwick - "Let's Get The Party Going"
( Click here to buy Velvet Tinmine - 20 Junk Shop Glam Ravers)
BMX Bandits - "Top Shop Girl"
( Click here to buy C86-Plus)
The Brilliant Corners - "Friday Saturday Sunday Monday"
( Click here to buy Friday Saturday Sunday Monday)
Rocket from the Crypt - "Sturdy Wrists"
( Click here to buy Circa Now! (+4))
Fatal Flying Guilloteens - "Reveal The Rats"
( Click here to buy Quantum F**king (A Fictitious Real Life Account Of Young Love In The Streets))
Lynnfield Pioneers - "Add It Up"
( Click here to buy Emerge for 39 cents)
J Church - "Bomb"
( Click here to buy Camels, Spilled Corona and the Sound of Mariachi Bands)
Holy F**K - "Lovely Allen"
( Click here to buy LP)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Tom Scharpling aka The Kid aka The Lord of Living Lightning doesn't want to do it, but he's already here so he goes through with it. The "it" = host The Best Show on WFMU radio program. He also wants to obtain a new nickname. I vote for The Bloggling Madman -- looks like Linus has some new competition for the 2008 Bloggies! Tom gets spooked while chatting with the ABBA box, and the hot-tempered container scolds him for raising his voice. Tom cowers in fear and begins to literally shrink under its glare. He whispers for help. Tom laments missing Jay-Z's show Sunday night at the Hammerstein Ballroom due to the current work stoppage. He had to save his money to avoid going broke. Tom's concerned about the flashing line, but Mike thinks it might be a good pre-topic call.
Get ready for Dutch: A Journey Through Time with Tom Scharpling:
- A caller requests "Waiting for the Morning Light", but Tom can't place the artist for the track. He asks Tom if he's serious and tells him that it's by a duo called Simmons/Dylan. Tom's not familiar with them, and the caller can't believe he's speaking to someone with a rock 'n roll show on a radio station. He says that Gene Simmons and Bob Dylan co-wrote the tune (a "monumental slice of Americana") for Gene's unspeakable 2004 solo album, Ash Ole. Tom never heard about this odd collaboration. The caller says that Gene and Bob were members of a mutual admiration society, and they finally hooked up to pen the fabulous tune. Tom doubts he has Ash Ole in the library, so the caller opts for something from Dressed to Kill, which Tom correctly identifies as a Kiss album. The caller says he's still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Tom has a radio show. He's also willing to take anything from Alive or Alive II, and he'll even settle for anything from Hot in the Shade. Tom says he can't commit to playing any Kiss records tonight. The caller wonders if this is some kind of programming decree coming down from on high. Tom explains that he's just making a personal choice about the music he plays on his show.
He's not sure who he's talking to because the caller never stated his name, but the mystery is solved: Yes, it's Gene Simmons in the flesh. He's not dead! Gene's checking in for the first time since August 2006, and he can tell that Tom's very excited to talk to him because of the little quiver in his voice. He doesn't blame him, and Tom admits that it's exciting to have Gene back on the air. Gene is calling from his home base of Hollywood, CA, and he assumes that Tom is familiar with his stomping grounds from watching his exploits on the #1-rated cable reality skein, Gene Simmons Family Jewels. Tom didn't think SFJ was pulling in such huge numbers. Gene says this coup is just one of his many accolades, which also include Kiss's standing as America's top Gold-certified recording group. Tom downplays the honor, suggesting it's largely the result of a long career of pumping out a lot of albums to a loyal fanbase. Gene clarifies that the band has released a lot of quality albums. He doesn't like Tom's tone, and he thinks he's the kind of person who creates nothing yet judges all.
Tom apologizes, but he advises Gene that his aggressive self-promotion leaves his body of work open to some level of scrutiny. Gene is not convinced and proceeds with his promotional push. He confirms that Tom is strapped in and wearing a helmet because he wants to make an announcement that is sure to catapoolt the minds of Tom and his listeners into another strata. Tom is ready, but Gene wants him to address the listeners to make sure they have also taken the necessary safety precautions to receive the mind-launching information. He asks call screener "Mark" to threaten a beating if Tom doesn't obey his order. Gene accepts Tom's weak offering that omitted the crucial helmet/strap reminder. He reveals that he's tossing his spiked, seven-inch boot heels into the ring for the 2008 Newbridge Mayubernatorial race. Tom's surprised to hear that Gene is entering the crowded field. Gene got his 37 signatures, and he thinks it's fontastic. Tom is thrown by Gene's eccentric diction because he prefers the more traditional "fantastic" pronunciation. Gene compares their takes on the word to the difference between apples and oranges. Tom doesn't think it's like disparate fruit because, in this case, the word is spelled with an "a" instead of an "o." Gene dismisses Tom's argument because his voice is so grating to his ears.
Gene's primary residence is in Hollywood, the City of Dreams, but he's co-owned Gene Simmons Toyota on Muffler Row in Newbridge since December 2003. He entered the auto sales industry after Skid Row bassist Rachel Bolan opened a Northbridge Saturn dealership in May of that year. Gene's competitive juices starting flowing, and he immediately launched into full-on take-no-prisoners mode to avoid being outshone (outshined?) by a fellow musician. When GST first opened, Gene roamed the lot four days a week when he wasn't on tour and did his own repossession work, earning the nickname "The Enforcer." Gene explains that the dealership qualifies as a legal dwelling because there is a cot in one of the back rooms. Chet Thompson, co-owner and manager of GST, is currently sleeping on the cot due to some marital discord. Gene, who has been living in sin with erotic film star Shannon Tweed since 1985, advised Chet to never get married because you can have a wonderful home life and still ---- ---- - ----- as much as you want. Tom bleeps Gene and reprimands him for filth talk. Gene argues that he was simply speaking the truth and forgot he was on a high school radio station. Tom tells him it's not a high school station, but Gene says it sounds like one. He goes out on a limb and guesses that Tom is using some kind of voice modulator, not unlike the one he employed in the studio while recording the lead vocals for the Destroyer track, "God of Thunder." Gene says it sounds like Tom's natural voice started out way, way, way, way, way higher than his. Tom denies using any modulating devices. Gene's not buying it.
Gene will be running on the Fontasy Party ticket, which will focus on courting the female demographic. As one might expect, his primary platform plank is turning every Newbridge resident's fontasy into reality. Gene assumes Tom knows about his 3,000+ liaisons (unfortunately, he does), and he promises every women a liaison with yours truly if he's elected. Tom thinks the stiff proposition is disgusting, but Gene thinks it's every woman's fontasy. He asks Tom to put his wife on the phone to validate his position. Jillian Barberie is not in the studio, but even if she was, Tom would not subject her to a conversation with Gene Simmons (a wise move considering his decidedly crettenous radio convo with Terry Gross). Gene says that if she was there, he can guarantee that she would be pawing herself at the mere notion of talking to him. Tom guarantees that she would be hands-off. Gene says he knows his election shall be a dream come true for the women of Newbridge. He plans to appease the
hundreds thousands of cuckolded husbands of the women he'll be bedding by offering them a $50 voucher for GST. Gene thinks it's a fontastic consolation, but Tom doubts you can get much for $50 at a car dealership. Gene estimates that it may cover the detailing for 1/4 of your car. Tom thinks it's a bad deal. He tells Gene that he's the first candidate he gives no shot at winning the race. How long before Gene beds local fave Sheila Larson? Should make for an interesting love triangle with Dom Scharpling -- or love square if you throw in Darren Ploppleton, or love nonagon if you add the other five guys currently engaging Sheila in marathon session work.
Gene tries to win Tom over with his plans to improve the educational system. He promises that every schoolchild will receive a copy of his forthcoming book, I'm Rich, a fun, thought-provoking how-to that shows children that they can become the super-rich object desire of every woman on Earth if they set their minds to it. Tom's disgusted by the premise of the tome, but Gene thinks everyone is interested in learning his complicated bedding technique. Tom says that normal people who are not looking to become manipulative creeps will have no interest in it. (A controversial chapter on the future of the music industry is already creating a buzz.) Gene informs Tom that he will officially announce his condidacy this Friday at a Poncake Brunch at Mr. O'Tuttle's, Newbridge's only 5-star restaurant. (D'Amici's lost a star?!) Tom erupts with laughter at Gene's latest bending of language. He can understand the fontasy rewrite, and he'll even spot him the quirky condicacy. However, he simply cannot allow him to get away with poncake. Gene sees nothing wrong with it. He gets a bit flustered and initially misspells the word pankake, an error that was probably welcomed by Philly Boy Roy. Tom assumes Gene is generally fond of the letter k, and Gene confirms that he associates k with his beloved kash. Tom was thinking more in terms of K for Kiss, and Gene calls him a smart boy. He says he would ask Tom to manage his campaign if he didn't hate him.
Tom's sure everyone is looking forward to the Poncake Brunch, and Gene says that Kiss lead guitarist Tommy Thayer is working on hooking up the satellite feed right now. Tom inquires about the status of Ace Frehley, and Gene vaguely remembers the name from ancient Kisstory. He thinks Frehley might have been in the band sometime after Mark St. John, but Tom informs him that Frehley was actually the guitarist from 1973-1982, the band's prime era containing all of their hit songs. Gene thinks Tom may be referring to Vinnie Vincent, who played with the band for a couple of years in the early 1980s. According to a high-ranking officer in the Kiss Army, Gene and Paul Stanley got in a very, very, very, very heated argument last week over the early design specs for the crumb trays in their new line of Kiss toaster ovens. A post by "p_rummager2002" on The Frayed Twine, Newbridge's most popular online gossip forum, claims that Gene told E. Paul Velndonom to start rehearsing his stage banter in case he needs to enlist him for duty in a special unplugged performance of the entire Music from "The Elder" album at the Kiss Coffeehouse in early December.
Gene struggles to unfold his bulging wallet (think Horse doing a rep) to determine how much money he's carrying. He finds $8,500 in cash, a $25,000 check, a skimpy $16,000 check, and a $1,000,000 check for a total of $1,000,050 on his person. Tom estimates that he has $80 in kash. Gene laughs at the fontastical figure and revels in Tom's supposed jealousy. Tom denies being jealous at all, but Gene once again detects the telltale quiver in his voice. Gene says Tom's attitude leaves a lot to be desired, and if he was at the high school station right now he'd turn it into a car wash with his boot. (I'm up for a Gene vs. TvT boot-stomping battle at one of the debates.) Gene tells Tom he can take that threat to the bank, but not his bank because they would laugh him out the door. He confirms that his financial institution does not welcome riff-raff, an undesirable lower class of people that counts Tom as a member. Gene also follows the lead of many other mayubernatorial candidates by proposing to usher in his term with violent acts against Tom. He says that Tom will be the first person to suffer the wrath of his signature Gene Simmons axe bass. Gene mentions that a small number of autographed instruments are still available for purchase at www.genesimmons.net. Tom's glad he was able to squeeze in a merch plug. Gene tells Tom to get ready because
heads his head will roll. He's giddy at the prospects of his inaugural decapitation.
Tom predicts that Gene doesn't have the fortitude to remain in the race until July 2008. Gene says most of the women in Newbridge would have a differing opinion of his stamina. Tom asks Gene why he even wants to be the mayor of a small New Jersey town. Gene says that he wants to help make Newbridge what it can be: Sex City, USA. He envisions a sprawling sex theme park called "Gene Simmons's Sexerica." Tom begs him not to ruin his city with his sexcapades and vows to start campaigning against his condidacy. Gene gives no indication that he intends to alter his erotic plans. In fact, he's waiting for Tom to send him a .jpg of his wife. Tom refuses to send pictures of his spouse to a creep. Gene asks Tom if Mark has a wife, and, if so, if he'd be willing to send him some digital images. Tom says it's none of his business. Gene's not pleased and says that Mark's head will also roll. He tells Tom he'll see him on the campaign trail, calls him a creep, and hangs up.
Power Hour Three Minutes:
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
And please, God, smote the Omnicreep, smote him.
Stamp him out!
Hang in There: Andre 1000 tells Wallace "Bald Boi" Shawn about his fontastical hallucination* while attending Christmas Eve mass
*'ludes ... and dust
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Chet Thompson shouts it out loud for some rock bottom Thanksgiving prices on the 2008 Tundra Double Cab (available only in pink), Mortimer Claus checks in to get the early buzz on the naughty/nice breakdown, Melvin Belli calls to lure James out of the shadows, and Tom reviews the new Coen brothers film, No Country for Old Codger.
Now available for pre-order: On The Air with Tom Scharpling, Splash Some Cold Water On Your Face (And Get Back Out There!): 11 Rules To Ultimate Success, Radio Nightmares: Insights from Inside The Best Show, Pick Your Own Switch: A Guide for Parents, and Dutch: One Man's Life, As Told to Tom Scharpling.