"Half the guys on the Red Sox look like GG Allin. These mustaches, these weird beards, and shaved heads. I'm expecting to see Merle Allin in the dugout cheering them on." -- Tom on the gutter punks of Fenway Park
"The doctors at the hospital are so good. They know just how far to push you with the yelling and the shoving." -- Ken Rogers on his (supposedly) effective therapy sessions at Newbridge Mormon Regional
"Do you exist, or are you just like some weird reflection of me?" -- Tom, asking ROY Eddie if he's the man in his mirror
"You know what, let's stop stepping outside of stuff." -- Tom, retiring the word "meta" and embracing the real world
[More to come.]
"I'm not hateful, I'm just very selective about who I like and don't like, just like you!" -- Timmy von Trimble, explaining his extreme lack of diversity
"It's the stuff that makes you a dude -- you don't have that stuff." -- TvT, confirming Tom's lack of a manly substance called testoblerone
"Eww. Not really, no. Not at all. Are you feeling that?" -- TvT, rejecting the hip-hop artist Jay-Z
"What's wrong with that? I mean, who doesn't like to have thick pancakes at night?" -- TvT, defending the carb-heavy supper/political rally he's hosting
"Well, they're really low, I guess. They're kinda at the very bottom of poles." -- TvT on his ubiquitous but still easy to miss Von Trimble stickers
Well, not you, I mean, you wouldn't be a part of this because of your whole deal. You know, your creepiness and jerkiness. -- TvT, excluding Tom from his political vision for Newbridge
"Get ready to meet my little, teeny, tiny boots. Stompin's afoot!" -- TvT, warning Tom to prepare for his crawl through the gauntlet
[More to come.]
Donnie Iris - "Ah! Leah!"
( Click here to buy Back on the Streets)
The Donnas - "Smoke You Out"
( Click here to buy Bitchin')
Cloak/Dagger - "Hollywood Hills"
( Click here to buy We Are)
The Cynics - "The Ring"
( Click here to buy Here We Are)
The Modern Lovers - "She Cracked"
( Click here to buy The Modern Lovers re-issue)
The Tough & Lovely - "Heavenly Bodies Fall"
( Click here to buy Teardrops)
Damon & Naomi - "The Turnaround"
( Click here to buy Within These Walls)
Rotomagus - "Eros"
( Click here to e-mail Sam Seidr and beg for a copy of Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Tom doesn't want to do it, but there will be a show tonight, guaranteeing a splendid time for all. While some podcastekeers may be listening to the program later in the week while on the elliptical machine or road tripping to Rickey's restaurant in Hollywood, FL, this is all going down LIVE at 8 p.m. EST in beautiful downtown Jersey City. Mike the Associate Producer and (reluctant) mayuburlnatorial candidate is holding it down on the other side of the glass.
Tom kicked off his opening music set with The Rolling Stones' "2,000 Light Years From Home" from Their Satanic Majesties Request, an album superior in every way to The Beatles' so-called masterwork, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. He thinks it's a hunkajunk, resulting from the band packing up their guitars and dusting off their English horns. The cover collage, depicting the not-so-Fab Four with dumb high school marching band instruments, issued a warning to listeners expecting actual rock music. Tom wants to rock out, not attend a psychedelic pep rally. He's baffled that the band would release a string of fantastic rock albums (even Revolver's junk is awesome), and then change careers to supervise a middle school music program.
Tom points out that Sgt. Pepper's is such a flop that the horn-laden "Good Morning Good Morning" is the album's relative "rocker". Someone in the FOT Chat mentions that "The Ox" played the French horn, but Tom clarifies that his brassy toots were merely a compliment to his hott bass solos. He gets mad while complimenting the horrors of listening to "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" and asks Mike to retrieve the offending album from the WFMU library. Tom makes it clear that a band can still rock sans guitars, citing Emerson, Lake & Palmer's prog-rock magnum opus "Karn Evil 9". ELP worked their magic with three of God's favorite instruments: bass, keyboards, and drums. (Little-known fact: God hates the dulcimer.) Tom skillfully performs a snippet from this 30-minute epic.
Mike returns with the record, but Tom can't get past the dumb cover to deliver a follow-up to his 10/19/04 seminar on its suckage. He's depressed that his favorite rock group is clutching English horns, trumpets, and bassoons. Not to mention the dumb mustaches on display across the gatefold. Tom thinks The Beatles could easily be mistaken for members of the 2007 Boston Red Sox. He discards the album like Keith Garfinkle placing a dictionary across the room. Tom tried to watch some of the ALCS, but he discovered that half of the Red Sox players looked like GG Allin with their mustaches, weird beards, and shaved heads. He expected to see Merle Allin cheering them on from the dugout and/or coaching third base*. Tom is sure that there are attractive people in the Boston area, but he didn't see any in the stands at Fenway. He reports that everyone, including the women, looked like Sen. Ted Kennedy. Rough stuff.
*"Merle, no! Merle, no! -- Tim McCarver on Merle's ill-advised decision to send David Ortiz home by twirling a Nazi flag.
Possibly I've Seen Too Much: Ultra-rare photograph of the Newbridge Zeppelin used to transport strawberry preserves in Anything, Inc.'s landmark Ty Cobb facilitation
- A distraught Ken Rogers returns to The Best Show airwaves after a quartet (1+2/3/4) of bumpy appearances this past May and June. In his previous interviews about his book, Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into the Workplace, Rogers has been unable to answer a single question without using extremely foul language that is completely at odds with Tom's family-friendly program. The author has always profusely apologized for these choppy exchanges, but he continues to have outbursts filled with escalating levels of filth. Rogers offers another seemingly sincere apology for his last really, really, really bad performance. He says the past six months have been the roughest period of his life. While Rogers can't get into the incredibly weird details of his various troubles, he does consider himself lucky to be under the expert care of the doctors at Newbridge Mormon Regional, which is located near the old Zeppelin hangar. Ken asks Tom if he knows the difference between a Zeppelin and a blimp. Tom thinks a Zep is a slightly smaller aircraft. Last week Tank mentioned the mutant birds wreaking havoc at the blimp hangar, and Ken says the Zeppelin hangar has some kind of weird squirrel problem. Ken is pleased that the Mormon Regional doctors know just how far to push patients with treatment techniques such as yelling and shoving. He assures Tom that the intensive therapy has helped him get his head back in order.
Ken asks Tom if he received his care package of Elephant Ears and Chipmunk Noses. Tom noticed a box with Ken's return address, but he really didn't want to open it. Ken is very disappointed to hear this. Tom tells him that he established a pattern of conduct that makes him wary of what he might send through the mail. He obviously knows that Elephant Ears are pastries, but he's not familiar with Chipmunk Noses. Ken's surprised that Tom has never tried these treats. He explains that they are bite-sized bits of cookie dough with a little dollop of
Nestlé. Ken halts his explanation and apologizes for saying the brand name because he realized that Tom might have an endorsement deal with Hershey's, Godiva, or some other competing chocolatier. Tom gives him permission to proceed since he is not sponsored by any of these companies. Ken says Nestlé makes the chocolate drop in the middle of the divine Chipmunk Nose. He'd love for Tom to sample one, but Tom wants to see how the interview goes before he digs in. (We all know what happened the last time Tom consumed a chocolate-based dessert on the air.)
Tom begins the interview by providing the audience with some background on Rogers's impressive book, which has had a very positive impact on his life and the lives of many of his Consolidated Cardboard co-workers. Rogers is glad to hear it and agrees that it's a life-changing work. Tom was first exposed to Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Your Personal Values Into The Workplace by a guy in the CC personnel department who was raving about it. He left the book for people to read, but many, including Tom, were initially skeptical about its value. Tom ignored it for awhile, but something eventually intrigued him enough to take it home.
When he finally started reading it, he responded to the book's central idea that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role inside the office. Rogers finds this crossover particularly important when it comes to decision-making and interpersonal relationships. Tom asks Rogers if a person's role in the overarching office hierarchy reflects on their stature -- or lack of stature -- outside of the workplace. He wonders if the two roles have to remain mutually exclusive. Rogers begins to respond with "Well, ..." before doing it again. Tom has to dump him for the fifth time because he said the sickest thing he's ever heard. Rogers took one word, which is disgusting, and managed to meld it with another word, which is even more disgusting. Tom says the two words were perfectly joined in a union of filth. He believes Rogers is sick, and he will definitely not eat any of his Chipmunk Noses. Tom fears that he suffered a meltdown while baking them considering his ability to abruptly swing to the dark side. He can only come up with one word to describe Mr. Rogers: unhinged.
- Rookie of the Year Eddie calls to continue his rapid ascent to the top shelf. Last week he stepped up to the plate for the first time and knocked it out of the parked, making Tom laff more than once with his Fontasy Football Keep-It-To-Yourself quips. In his second at-bat Eddie scores again by recapping the episode of the Classic Albums documentary series spotlighting Steely Dan's Aja. Eddie watched the whole stupid thing on VH-1, so he got a full hour of the Fagen-Becker smugfest. Tom thinks they seem like two guys who are very willing to tell people about their "art." Eddie confirms that they discussed meeting in college and bonding over their status as "jazz snobs". After years of looking down at the rock slobs, Tom is thankful that they eventually warmed to the genre and magnanimously crossed over to join their former musical enemies. Eddie says the show also had interviews with various session players, and his favorite was Michael McDonald's dissection of the intricate backing vocals on "Peg". They isolated his contributions, leaving the viewer to endure McDonald saying "Peg" in different octaves. Tom chuckles at Eddie's rendition, and at this point he thinks he may be talking to himself. He wants to know if Eddie exists, or if he's just a weird reflection of Tom Scharpling. Eddie thinks he may have gradually adopted some of The Kid's viewpoints by listening to the show over the years. Tom quotes from The Soft Machine's only good album to let Eddie know that he did it again. He praises Eddie's focused, polite calls that have him on the fast-track to Supercallerdom. Tom has a feeling that the next caller will make him miss Eddie a whole lot. He was right.
Charles R. Martin Josh calls to say he didn't mind Tom's Sgt. Pepper's criticism because he pretty much hates the entire Beatles discography. Tom thinks that position is just stupid. Josh says he finds their music boring, and Tom suspects he fell asleep while listening to "Helter Skelter". Josh says it's all just repetitive hooks, but Tom doesn't think memorable melodies are horrible. He resets the clock to find out Josh's favorite band. Josh says it's probably The Velvet Underground, and his favorite album is their debut, The Velvet Underground and Nico. Tom informs him that the album contains a lot of hooks. Josh points out that the band balanced out the ear candy by playing two chords for seven minutes. Tom thinks VU and The Beatles are both awesome, but Sgt. Pepper's is just a terrible album. He believes that Josh enjoys bashing The Beatles to be a contrarian. Josh goes into contrarian mode to dispute Tom calling him a contrarian, a move intended to as some kind of response to Tom's super- aggressive aggro ag radio demeanor. Tom wonders if Josh's brevity fandom will lead him to further boil it down to just "super-a".
Josh, 22, was a DJ for four years on the grand old WOBC in Oberlin, OH, a village in the middle of the Bible Belt. He brought the ape-eared masses The Truth in the form of the crucial grooves of avant-garde musician Glenn Branca. Tom's been there, done that, probably didn't buy any Branca t-shirts. He tells Josh that he's 61 years old and has the old-timey wisdom that comes from fighting in the trenches as part of The Greatest Generation. Josh says Branca is really awesome, and Tom GOMPs him. He lost the ability to pretend to like Branca's multi-guitar symphonies.
- Joe calls to alert Tom to some anti-Beatles sentiment on the episode of Cavemen that just aired on ABC. Tom wants to know if it came from the unfunny obnoxious one, the unfunny earnest one, or the unfunny dumb one. Joe says it was the unfunny obnoxious one. Tom hopes his caveman makeup gets stuck to his face so he has to walk around like that for 10 years after the show is canceled. Joe can't believe that a television show based on a commercial exists. He thinks it's unprecedented, but Tom reminds him about the short-lived CBS LensCrafters sitcom that aired in 2000. Tom drops a bit of trivia: Jake Gyllenhaal launched his acting career by playing Reggie on the show. Joe says he's 27, so Tom vigorously GOMPs him for suggesting that he wasn't allowed to watch television seven years ago. He wonders if Joe's call qualifies as making fun of Cavemen even though he didn't initiate the discussion. Tom decides not to cross it off his list, and the dilemma leads into tonight's topic.
When Tom watches Cavemen, he gets that feeling of absolute embarrassment for everyone involved in the production. Tom imagines that there is someone on the set wearing cans and biting their finger to avoid laughing and messing up a take. Meanwhile, the home viewer is mortified on behalf of the entire crew. Tom got the same feeling when he realized that some producers of the 2007 MTV VMAs actually thought they were putting on a cool show. He wants to hear more stories about the creeping dread of observed failure. Tom considers the possibility that this topic could turn into its own embarrassment in a bizarre Charlie Kaufmanesque twist. He asks the community to join him in the effort to retire the word "meta." Tom wants to stop stepping outside of stuff and start just doing something that counts for something that's actually good without having to be a version of something. The phones are dead. Hubris is Tom's downfall!
- Matthew from Greenpoint calls to launch the great topic he wants to title Second-Hand Embarassment or Embarassment Once Removed. Last Christmas a bathroom tissue company opened a storefront in Times Square and invited people inside to sample their product. Tom says yuck to that marketing effort. (Sounds like the drainchild of stunt-crazed adman Boring Owen.) Matthew says they employed local kids to hand out flyers to entice people to use their facilities. The olive in the embarasstini for him was seeing one of the kids scooting around on a Segway. Speaking of kids, Matthew says that there are a lot of them running around Greenpoint tonight. He then refuses to answer Tom's question about the quality of the current cocaine supply. Matthew does say that some guy recently asked him for a "bump" while walking home at 3 a.m. Tom thinks this was a silly attempt to score drugs because the average cocaine user's limited generosity is unlikely to extend to random strangers.
[More to come.]
- A caller says he's not a famous actor, but he does want to suggest a famous line for The Best Show movie quotes list that Tom revived two weeks ago. He offers a question from death angel Josef Mengele (Gregory Peck) to Nazi hunter Ezra Lieberman (Laurence Olivier) in the 1978 thriller The Boys from Brazil: "Do these dogs scare you, Mr. Lieberman." The caller thinks it's a pretty heavy line that kinda gets to the heart of the of it all on a lot of levels, but Tom doesn't think it conforms to the fun spirit of the existing entries on his list. DENIED. The caller apologizes and says he wants to learn about the submission guidelines. Tom tells him to review the approved quotes to tap into the proper tone.
The caller chuckles and calls Tom a jerk for trying to get him to tap into things. He doesn't like the 'tude and interprets Tom's directive as a request to get stomped. The caller is totally ready to fight Tom if he's looking for a throwdown. He says that Tom is nuts if he believes he can take him and warns him about a third combatant: "Get ready to meet my little friend!" The caller's voice goes way up on the second half of the warning because his modulator begins to malfunction. It's actually the squeaky Timothy von Trimble, a two-inch genetic experiment gone awry in the early 1970s. TvT has previously called the program to spout racism and request tunes from White Power musical groups, such as Bezerker, Norse Savage, and anything on the Panzerfaust record label, which was recently acquired by UMG. Tom describes him as a horrible, hateful person, and TvT rejects this characterization. Tom cites his decision to quote from The Boys from Brazil as evidence of his skewed worldview. TvT says it's a great film, and Tom is not surprised that he thought he pulled a fun quote from it.
TvT prefers to think of himself as just being very selective about the people he likes and doesn't like. He believes Tom has similar standards. Tom points out that TvT dismisses entire groups of people instead of judging individuals on their own merits. TvT says he's a fan of people like Bill O'Reilly, Dane Cook, Darren Cook, Vice-President Lon Chaney, Peyton Manning, and Axl Rose. Tom notices a pattern emerging, and TvT suggests these people are unified only by their greatness. Tom throws some names at TvT to illuminate another commonality among his favorite celebrities:
- Kid Rock: "Oh, yeah!"
- Jay-Z: Eww. TvT is not feeling that at all. (Tom thinks he's awesome.)
- Bob Seger: TvT says he's the greatest, particularly his longtime Chevy truck jingle, "Like A Rock"
- James Brown: Ewww.
- Colin Farrell - "He's great."
- Jamie Fox - Ewwwww.
Tom thinks his negative response to all three African-Americans proves that he's a little racist creep. However, TvT suspects that Tom's just mad at him for also using a voice modulator. Tom denies using the device, but TvT claims to have seen pictures of him at the soundboard trying to hide it. TvT uses the VoiceMod® 200, and he heard that Tom uses the VoiceMod® DeepTone 500. Tom thought he said "BeefTone", so TvT tells him to get the linkle out of his ears. He's convinced that he's hearing an artificial version of Tom's voice. TvT says that the DeepTone 500 is apparently the same model sold to guys who don't have no testoblerone. Tom asks TvT if he was referring to the triangular Swiss Toblerone chocolate bar, but he was actually talking about the steroid hormone that makes you a dude. TvT believes that Tom is plagued by a testoblerone deficiency. Tom believes he's a moron. TvT blames the modulator failure on Radio Hut's cheap line of Kindofready® batteries, so Tom recommends switching to the more reliable Everyready brand. TvT says he will start taking some notes under the heading "Life Lessons from a Creep." Tom wants to know what utensil he's using to write them down, and TvT admits that he's not writing anything at all! He pleads guilty to being a wiseguy and cackles like Philly Boy Roy.
Very Short Stack: Dr. von Trimble, getting ready to work the grill at his son's mayubernatorial Pancake Supper
TvT says he was trying to save some money on batteries, and he wants Tom to mark his words about saving everybody in Newbridge a lot of money come next July. Tom senses where this is going and begs TvT not to tell him that he's running for mayor. It's too late. TvT has already selected his campaign slogan: "Get ready to meet your little Mayor." Tom thinks that's terrible, and TvT responds with a piercing "Whaaaaaaaaat?" Tom says the shrill query caused a vibration in his ears. TvT tells Tom that he doesn't swing that way and calls him a creep once again. Tom's not even sure what he's talking about, but TvT is much more clear on the fact that he's throwing his Doc Martens into the mayubernatorial ring. He will officially announce his candidiocy on Friday at his Pancake Supper. Tom points out that Pancake Breakfasts are much more common, but TvT says some people enjoy thick pancakes at night as well. Tom assumes that these people must enjoy falling asleep soon after they eat. TvT is bringing in 3,000 cots for the event so guests can take a nap, and Tom's surprised that he expects that many people to attend/go to bed. TvT says the high turnout is partly the result of a rare live performance from his band, Von Trimble. Tom hasn't heard of the them despite the promotional stickers plastered all over Newbridge. TvT says the stickers are easy to miss because they were applied to the very bottom of poles. He's been doing the stickering.
The sticker text is a variation on TvT's mayubernatorial slogan: "Get ready to meet my little boot." Toffey von Trimble, TvT's older brother, manages the band. TvT reminds Tom that Toffey was recently attacked by the weird birds that are terrorizing the Newbridge blimp hangar. He says that Toffey is 4' 5", about twice Tom's size. Tom denies being 2' 2", but TvT says he sounds like that height. TvT reports that the injuries Toffey sustained when the birds tried to carry him away are no sweat off his combat boots because he's still riding high on the $800,000 he won on an episode of Newbridge's Weirdest Stuff. He earned the cash prize by consuming 2,000 pencil erasers that spilled out of him following the filmed c-section. TvT says Toffey big plans for the money include creating a new local music venue since they both hate the all-purpose Club Pizzazz. The club owner refuses to book Von Trimble because he rejects the band's message, which corresponds to TvT's political platform: great, great, great, wonderful things ... for some.
TvT is running on The Von Trimbleites party ticket, and while some people have noted that the name sounds like a tightrope-walking family, he begs to differ with that assessment. Tom wants to know more about the party's positions on the key issues. TvT says that the great, great, great, wonderful things that some residents will enjoy include great schools, housing, health care, food, water, and clothes. Tom asks him about what constitutes being one of the lucky some. TvT thinks it's obvious, but Tom wants him to humor him with the specifics. TvT says that people like them will receive these benefits, although Tom will be left out because of his whole deal -- his creepiness and his jerkiness. Futhermore, TvT's first act as may-ore would be to put Tom through a "stomping machine." Tom laments that another candidate has announced that their first act involves violence against him. Last week Tank told voters that he planned to crush Tom's head between his robust calves in public upon taking office. TvT is disappointed because he thought he was going to be the first person to politicize Tom's death. He explains that Tom will have to walk on his hands and knees through a mile-long gauntlet lined with all of the townspeople. As he crawls along this trail, each member of the angry mob will take turns stomping him with their boots. TvT revises his first act to distributing boots to everyone except Tom. Tom wants to hear about more of the unlucky citizens who will not benefit from a TvT administration. TvT defines them with the blanket term "The Others", and Tom calls him a gross racist. TvT vows to stomp Tom, advising him to get ready to meet his little, teeny, tiny boots. He giggles, warns Tom that stompin' is afoot, and hangs up. Tom is leaning towards supporting Mike because he's the only candidate who hasn't threatened his life.
[More to come.]
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: I-ron throws his Ganja cakes (and a stray trombone) into the mayastafari race, Petey shocks the listening audience by defecting to Von Trimble, and more of Tom Scharpling's super-aggro stylings with the equally ag Paul F. Tompkins LIVE IN STUDIO!