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Take Up Thy Voice Modulator and Talk (Original Mono Version).

"Apparently all the talent in The Pink Floyd was in the word 'the.' Who could have ever predicted that?" -- Tom on the creative juice concentrated in the band's crucial article
"Well, you know, he puts you in a trance and basically he makes you do stuff -- stuff you'd never do of your own coalition." -- Bryce Prefontaine, explaining the act of an erotic hypnotist
"Of course the ones the kids get, they'll be really small. Yeah, don't worry, the little dudes will be able to bake, too, but just not as big as the big dudes." -- Bryce, announcing his plans to distribute miniature bongs to Newbridge children
"I've done my research, now you do yours. The opus is on you, man. -- Bryce, challenging Tom to dispute his findings that 75% of U.S. Presidents were lifelong pot smokers
"I promise the thickest pancakes in all of Newbridge. And the most potent. They're gonna have hash in them." -- Bryce, enticing voters with a Midnight Pancake Munchie Party
"I wanted to tie my love-making [to the Dead] so we'd achieve an X-rated space -- not Drums/Space!" -- Bryce on the inspiration for the soundtrack to The Sheila Larson Sessions
"Just for bein' so L7 -- you never wanna catch a groove and just ride it." -- Bryce, sentencing Tom to jail/death for being a member of the Uptight Citizens Brigade
"Welcome to the circle of grossness, lindonberry cake. I will never eat you again." -- Tom, throwing the IKEA dessert into his culinary Hate Pit
"I like the idea that I'm putting someone who's Jewish on the defensive about eating a bagel in New York." -- Tom, turning the tables on Erika from Baltimore
"I'm like PetSmart, and you guys are like the weird Silver Lake Pet Shop." -- Tom, distinguishing his Big Box program from the the Mom-and-Pop podcastketeers

[More to come.]

"There are people that hunger for Scharpling & Wurster's style of comedy so badly that haven't even heard them yet. I envy those people; they are in for a splendid discovery indeed." - Paul F. Tompkins, AST Comedy Zone, 10/25/07

[TBSOWFMU - 10/23/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Zoo - "Hard Times, Good Times"

( Click here to buy Tetes Lourdes: Francais Metal de Proto: Le Super Rock Serie 1970)

Sir Lord Baltimore - "Helium Head (I Got A Love)"

( Click here to buy Kingdom Come)

Pylon - "Human Body"

( Click here to buy Gyrate +)

Saturday Looks Good To Me - "(Even If You Die On The) Ocean"

( Click here to buy Fill Up the Room)

Tiny Masters Of Today - "Radio Riot"

( Click here to buy Bang Bang Boom Cake)

Delta 5 - "Train Song"

( Click here to buy Singles & Sessions 1979 to 1981)

Slant 6 - "Thirty-Thirty Vision"

( Click here to buy Soda Pop*Rip Off)

Scout Niblett - "Hide and Seek"

( Click here to buy This Fool Can Die Now)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

monaural.pngThe following recap is best enjoyed in glorious mono, preferably while sitting inside some kind of styrofoam-based cylinder. The stereophonic version reads like mud.

THE Tom Scharpling Host of The Best Show Slash The Lord of Living Lightning is back to do another live broadcast of music, mayhem, and mirth for the 300,000 listeners he gathers around old-fashioned radios every Tuesday night. Tom gives out the exclusive phone number, and he's immediately terrified by the two flashing lines that result. While he provides the digits at the top of every show, it's useless information because pre-topic callers enter one of the most troublesome zones in The Best Show universe -- a purgatorial waiting area where you're likely to take a great fall if you can't deliver the self-generated goods. Grateful Dead enthusiasts may prefer to call this space "The Tom Zone." Tom's preferred musical medicine for his frayed nerves is a tune from his loyal buddy, the ABBA box. Tonight's balm was the Benny-based "Santa Rosa", which, as everybody knows, is the b-side of the "He Is Your Brother" single, taken from the pre-ABBA album Ring Ring.

- Ty from Maryland tiptoes into the treacherous terrain and buys himself five extra seconds by announcing that he's a card-carrying member of the FOT. He's following up on last week's call from his Priceless Banter podcast partner Dave from Miami. Tom was not thrilled about this Best Show cover podcast and gave a decisive thumbs down to Dave's bizarre parody of The Odd Couple theme. He tells Ty that Dave was not putting his best foot forward when representing the podcast on the air. Ty assures Tom that Dave was counseled about his subpar promotional efforts. He wants to apologize and clarify Dave's embarrasment at his frequent jacking of Tom's radio stylee. Tom resets the clock (automatic for apologies) and gives Ty another five-second bonus for mentioning his FOT card again. Ty says that his lapses into Scharplingspeak are really just unintentional homages coming from years of Best Show brain seepage. Tom admits to going through a similar phase around the time of the releasings of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. He couldn't go five minutes without saying "Is nice", one of the Kazakh journalist's favorite phrases. Tom GOMPs Ty for doing a not-so-nice Borat impression.

- Jack in Montclair 07042 calls with a movie quote, and Tom wants to know if he'd also like to discuss the 2004 Presidential election. Jack asks him if Al Gore won that election. Ha! Gore wasn't even on the ballot that year because he only got 34 signatures. Tom warns Jack that he will be extra harsh due to his tardiness on the topic. Jack tries to offer something from the 1985 Brat Pack classic St. Elmo's Fire, but Tom refuses to even listen to any quotes from the film. He says he would have accepted a replication of Rob Lowe's awesome saxophone playing. Tom thinks Lowe's Billy Hicks character had a cool look in the film -- a cross between an authentic jazz musician and a member of an early incarnation of the Trenchcoat Mafia.

- Anti-lute crusader ArchStanton calls from Winnipeg, and Tom stops the clock because he's not held to the usual pre-topic restrictions. Arch wants to know what's coming up besides Hollywood comedian Paul F. Tompkins. Tom wonders why he can't just listen and find out. Arch says he has to leave to host his own show in 30 minutes, but he wanted to check in to say hello and find out what was he was going to miss. Tom thinks this was wise because it's not like the show is permanently archived and released as a podcast. Arch fears an imminent GOMP, but Tom says he's not going to drop him. He quickly changes his mind. He couldn't help it.

Robert Hunter performs the extended version of "The Terrapin Suite" at Club Pizzazz. The show was cut short when a hypnotized fan wouldn't stop yelling unrequited requests for "Wharf Rat" ... or put his pants back on.

- After the unmistakable gurgle of a bong hit, a caller asks Tom if he can tell him when longtime Grateful Dead lyricist Robert Hunter will take the stage tomorrow night at Club Pizzazz. Based on the tuff-puffin' prelude and Dead-related query, Tom knows it's Bryce. He's trying to determine Hunter's set time because he knows that Club Pizzazz booked an erotic hypnotist for earlier in the day. Bryce is surprised ("Seriously?") that Tom isn't familiar with this genre of the hypnotic arts. Tom gets ready for Bryce's explanation by putting his finger on the delete button. Bryce says the precautionary dump-hover isn't necessary because it's all clean. Tom doesn't trust Bryce and still thinks there might be some deleting in his near future. He lets Bryce proceed, urging him to use his best judgment when discussing an erotic hypnotist performance. Bryce says this kind of hypnotist puts people in a trance and then makes them do stuff they would never do of their own coalition. Tom lets that last term slide. When Bryce attended one of these gigs he instantly went under the spell. He can't recall any of his subsequent antics, but other people told him that the hypnotist made him take out his


... like a soggy handburger. Tom informs Bryce that he had to delete his entire description. Bryce isn't sure why it was censored, and Tom tells him that it was filthy. Bryce thinks it was erotic. He's been on a wild ride, and this is his first call to the show since he lost his mind during a late-April freakout. Bryce last called on his final night at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility, the Betty Ford Center of the Quint Cities, which is located out where the Newbridge Fudge Foundry used to be before it wilted and then eventually liquefied. Bryce, primarily a crippler devotee, fell into a new level drug addiction when Werner and Rutager took him and most of Newbridge on a very intense "ski trip" during the bi-annual Colonial Days street festival. The German duo erected a railroad-themed funnel cake stand called "Das Blow Bar" and liberally sprinkled their snacks with a potent strain of powdered sugar to hook their customers. At the time Bryce estimated that 70% of Newbridge -- ranging from slapfighter Keith Garfinkle to famed pant rummager Reggie Monroe to barbershop quartet singer Zachary Brimstead, Esq. -- landed at Newbridge Acres after a rough weekend on the slopes. While being treated at the clinic Bryce became enamored with Blue, a relaxing herbal lip balm that Wilhelm, a mysterious Austrian émigré working as a night nurse, was pushing to patients.

Bryce is sure that he sounded totally nuts on the phone that night, but Tom points out that, for once, he actually sounded relatively normal. Bryce refers to this turn of events as "deaky," as in "freaky deaky." He doesn't think Tom will ever guess what he's about to lay on him, but Tom thinks he might have some idea of what's coming. Bryce confirms that Tom is strapped in and wearing his figurative helmet. He doesn't understand why Tom is not tokin', and he wants to know if Mike is picking up the slack. Tom says that Mike is not tokin' because he's a professional. Anyway, here it comes: Bryce is throwing his Dr. Seuss hat into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubanowhateveritscalled race. He got his 37 signatures, man, and Tom can't believe it's that easy. Bryce says that in addition to the requisite petition a candidate needs to possess the drive and hunger for political office. His campaign slogan is similar to the one Timmy von Trimble revealed last week and identical to the quote from Scarface that Tom recently added to The Best Show Movie Quotes list: "Get ready to meet my little friend." Tom says he should have guessed that because it weirdly makes sense in this context.

Bryce says the slogan doesn't really make any sense unless you can see the text alongside the picture on his campaign poster. The promotional image features Bryce in his Dr. Seuss hat holding a little red, white, and blue bong. The bong is the "little friend", and, if elected, Bryce promises to make sure that every citizen in Newbridge has their own miniature companion. Little friends for all! Tom is less enthused by Bryce's plan to distribute bongs to an increasingly drug-addled populace. Bryce assures Tom that the kids of Newbridge will get smaller bongs, allowing all the little dudes to bake on a smaller scale than the big dudes in town. Tom thinks this is a terrible plan, and he tells Bryce that he cannot give bongs to children. Bryce says all they have to do is visit Prefontaine Mansion to pick up their own little friend. Tom is alarmed that Bryce is encouraging children to smoke pot, but Bryce thinks they need to relax and kick back as much as adults. He says that pot has been proven to open up your whole mind. Tom disputes the undocumented findings -- he thinks children getting high is a gross concept.

Bryce claims that 3/4 of all U.S. Presidents smoked weed all through their lives. He's done his research (presumably in Scooch's sheaf of notebook paper called Presidential Drug Stuff), and now he wants Tom to conduct his own marijuana studies. Tom doesn't think he should have to disprove Bryce's insane assertions, but Bryce believes that the opus is on Tom. Tom tells him that the correct word is "onus." Bryce doesn't think he knows what he's talking about. After he's elected, Bryce plans to construct the hugest lean-to Tom's ever seen in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker at Newbridge Commons. He says the ritzy mayubernatorial mansion will even be equipped with some kind of bathroom facility. Tom's impressed that Bryce appears to be going all out on his new digs.

Bryce invites Tom to swing by on Thursday night when he officially announces his candiocy . Tom says it's "candidacy," and Bryce (kinda) accurately compares the correct term to Candid Camera. He writes that down so he can eventually put it on some sort of flyer, which will likely end up on a pole somewhere above a Von Trimble sticker. Tom says he might want to know the right word since it's what he's announcing. Bryce detects a little 'tude that he's not so into. He says he will announce his candididididacy at his Midnight Pancake Munchie Party. Bryce promises supporters the thickest and most potent pancakes in all of Newbridge. The pancakes will contain hash, but Tom Tom doesn't think Bryce will be able to serve food with that ingredient. Bryce does not seem concerned about the potential illegalities of his menu.

Bryce asks his dog, Roger Waters of The Pink Floyd, to be quiet, and the barking prompts him to ask Tom what was up with his bashing of The Floyd at the top of the show. Bryce reveals that his other dog is named Nick Mason Drummer of The Pink Floyd Slash Producer of The Damned. (Personal tidbit: I had a Persian cat in the late 1990s named Butch Vig Drummer for Garbage Slash Producer of King Snake Roost Slash Killdozer.) Tom thinks it's kind of an unwieldy dog name, and Bryce says he'll wield his bong on Tom's head. He's very amused by his threat. Tom is looking forward to the Midnight Pancake Munchie Party and confirms that Bryce will spike the food so the guests all get wasted on hash pancakes. Bryce says this kind of event is the same thing Pat Robertson did back in the 1980s. Tom has no proof of that. Bryce thinks he organized these kinds of parties. Speaking of parties, Bryce's political party is called The Party Party. Bryce giggles with delight, but Tom thinks it's horrible. He's somewhat surprised that Bryce didn't name it after some Hunter-penned Grateful Dead lyric.

Bryce wants Tom to offer him congrats and a high-five for becoming a new dad. Tom is not pleased to hear the news of his offspring. Bryce's ex-wife, Sheila Larson, just had a baby, and he says it's cool because he still parties with Newbridge's most popular catch. Bryce reminds Tom that Sheila used to be married to that huge rock star Corey Harris from Mother 13. He thinks she's currently rockin' those sheets with Tom's brother, but Tom says he tunes that stuff out. Bryce thinks the brother in question might be Lon, John, or Ron, but probably not San. Tom says that San, a Korean exchange student the Scharplings once hosted, moved away. It's Dom. Bryce thinks that hurts. Tom says he has no control over the behavior of his brothers. (Note: As of late August, Sheila was also laying down the greasy funk with Darren Ploppleton, who revealed that she wasn't 100% woman.) Bryce says that he and Sheila had a little dude named The Phil Zone Larson-Prefontaine. Tom thinks he knows what "The Phil Zone" is, and Bryce wants Mike to tell him. Tom's mind instantly went to Dead bassist Phil Lesh, and he assumes the term refers to some dumb Lesh-themed cheering section at live shows. Mike tells him that it refers not to a specific area of a given venue, but the more existential act of zoning out with Lesh during his solo.

Getting ready to use my little friend: Tom tests a prototype of his voice modulator during the 2007 WFMU marathon. The device made its world premiere on the "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" duet with Ted Leo.

Bryce asks Tom if he can believe that Sheila wasn't into the name at all. Tom believes it. It could've been worse -- in April 2006 Bryce told Tom that he wanted to name his first child Kreutzmann Phil Lesh Mountain Girl Garcia Brent Mydland Pigpen Keith Godchaux Prefontaine. Bryce says they would always argue because Sheila was resistant to allow him to play his bootleg tapes during their marathon love-making sessions. Tom says yuck to that proposed musical. Bryce says he wanted shows like Hampton Roads (7/18/1978) or The Spectrum (3/3/1980) to serve as the soundtrack. Tom's surprised that Bryce would go to a Dead show as late as 1980. Bryce says it was a great show. He explains that he wanted to tie his love-making sessions to the Dead so he and Sheila could achieve an X-rated space, an erotic corollary to the extended jam of Drums/Space. Tom can't handle that kind of talk, and Bryce asks him not to judge. Tom's not sure on what he could possibly base any negative Bryce judgment. Bryce predicts that Tom will be judged, convicted, and sentenced to jail/death for the charge of being so L7 that he never wants to catch a groove and ride it out. He thinks Tom's voice is so high because he's uptight, which explains his use of the modulator. Tom's not sure how that rumor started, and Bryce says everybody knows about his little friend: the VoiceMod® DeepTone 500. He tells Tom that the Internet is abuzz over a picture of him trying to hide the device. Tom insists that he's broadcasting his real voice. Bryce thinks Tom really does need to meet his little friend to totally even himself out. Tom passes on the meeting. He asks Tom to join his ticket as the Lt. Gubanawhatever, but Tom also declines to sign on as his running mate. Bryce tells him to get ready to meet his little tye-dyed shoe and hangs up.

- Tom recently took a rainy-day trip to the Elizabeth, N.J., branch (13E!) of IKEA, the Swedish retailing giant known for its assembly-required furnishings and top-shelf food court. Mike went to the store once, but he hasn't returned because he thought the merchandise was garbage. Tom's not as upscale as Mike, so he found some passable IKEA tables. Since he's not living in a dormitory, he wasn't looking for their lower-end junk like weird beanbag chairs or eccentric decor items like pre-fab traffic signage. Tom just wanted a $200 glass table. He can't recall the name of the piece (it was probably "The Fältskog"), but it was a nice, high mid-quality table. Tom was pleased that the relatively sturdy craftmanship did not allow customers to poke their fingers through the table surface and punch through it with their hands like most of the store's furniture.

Tom made the strategic decision to head to IKEA when it was raining, predicting the weather would thin the crowds who wouldn't want to get wet while loading their cars. However, the downside to this plan was that Tom had to load his car when it was raining. After locating his beautiful functional table in the store, Tom realized it was supper time, so he figured he'd try the renowned IKEA smorgasbord that everyone's been talking about. (I guess Tom didn't have any pancake-based political events on the docket that evening.) While people marvel at the low price points, Tom blows the lid off the IKEA business model: they serve the worst food on Earth. He discovered that by making food that's barely edible, they can significantly reduce their meat and produce costs. Tom concludes that a full meal of salmon, potatoes, and vegetables only costs $5 because it's gross. The "restaurant" features a semi-open kitchen where customers can almost catch a glimpse of the staff pouring the contents of PetSmart bags into steamer trays.

Tom found the Swedish dessert case equally unappealing. If it had been filled with traditional American treats, he would have known what to avoid based on his extensive history of domestic dessert consumption. However, exotic fare like lindonberry cake wasn't part of his frame of culinary reference. After sampling said cake, Tom quickly filed it under the heading disgusting cake from another country. He welcomes the dessert to his circle of grossness and vows to never eat it again. Tom compares the overall IKEA dining experience to eating in the cafeteria of a Swedish nursing home. While I gave IKEA a 4/30 when submitting my report to Zagat, I did praise the execution and flavor profiles of the "Crimestick Carpaccio" small plate -- the arugula and caper vinaigrette a perfect match for the paper-thin beef. This, as I wrote, was "Sweden on a plate; fit for any Stockholm bistro." I contacted IKEA's executive chef to recommend consulting with Marcus Samuelsson and perhaps bringing in Pichet Ong for some dessert punch-up, but there seemed to be an impenetrable language barrier. I was unable to decipher his spirited gibberish.

Tom left the store with his half-decent table, and, of course, he had trouble jamming all 400 pounds of it into his compact car. The table was conveniently broken down into three "easy" pieces, and the legs fit nicely in the trunk. The bracket that goes underneath the table also found a comfortable home. The other thing wasn't coming close to fitting. Tom was drenched from the rain and excruciating humidity, but thankfully a nice IKEA gentlemen offered to help. Tom says the guy was part of an IKEA squadron akin to the guys who ran up the side of buildings in Casino Royale. MacGruber fit the final piece right in, but the table damaged the top of the ABBA box upon entry. A Swedish table scuffed his Swedish music box. Tom thinks the synergy would almost be poetic -- a twist worthy of O. Henry -- if it wasn't completely mundane and pointless. Matthew Fluxblog IMs Tom from the Hate Pit to say the salmon, potatoes, and microwaved veggies he had a month ago at IKEA comprised the blandest meal he's had in years. He can't believe Tom tried the cakes. Tom doesn't think trying a 99-cent dessert makes him crazy. He now realizes that he would have been much more satisfied with the hot apple pie at the Swedish fast food chain MacDonald's. Tom doubts that serving the worst meal on Earth is helping to boost the Swedish tourism industry. He also can't believe all four lines are lit up pre-topic. Make fun of IKEA.

- Dave calls from L.A., where he's doing okay, unlike the very, very wealthy people of Malibu who have been forced to evacuate their burning homes. Since he's not on fire, he wants to nominate someone for the Hate Pit. Tom realizes that Matthew Fluxblog managed to IM him for the second time since he was thrown down there. He suspects the crafty digital-music blogger is either picking up some weird airport signal or someone (Bonnie?) threw a NETGEAR® router down there. That would also explain the continued existence of The Drudge Report. Tom stops the clock to hear Dave's proposal, but he outlines some new rules. If he denies your Hate Pit request, you go into the Hate Pit. Dave is willing to take the risk by nominating old-timey comedian Robert Klein. Tom initially thinks it's a pretty safe choice, but he's not in sync with Dave's two primary reasons for getting Klein tossed.

For starters, Dave says both incidents occurred over the summer, so Tom wants to know if he's referring to the summer of 1973. He wonders if Dave is still mad at Klein for playing his harmonica during the second season of Saturday Night Live. Dave is actually mad at Klein for taking out the instrument a few weeks ago on The Tonight Show with Jay Leeno before he even reached the couch. Tom usually records every episode of Leeno, but his DVR didn't grab that one. He was very mad about missing it, and he didn't even get to see any clips because stupid NBC recently yanked their YouTube channel. Dave claims that Klein followed his harmonica routine with 20 minutes of Rodney Dangerfield stories. Tom doubts that the show's producers handed Klein 20 minutes to do anything. He tells Dave that he is very close to joining Klein for a jump into the pit. Dave says he's fine with that as long as Klein goes down with him. He assures Tom that his hatred for Klein goes way deeper than just him being past his comedy prime. Dave didn't care for Klein's commentary as a special guest on Home Box Office's Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award tribute special. Tom saw that ... last year. Dave thinks Klein mistakenly referred to Chris Rock as "the great black hope" because Rock has established himself to the point where he has actually achieved his potential for greatness in comedy. Tom doesn't know about any of that. He decides not to throw anyone in the Hate Pit, but he does put Dave on a list that's even worse.

You're Dead To Me Boring

1. Dave from Los Angeles.

Tom congratulates him for being the first person to receive this honor. The Great White Hope!

- Mike from Summit, N.J. 07091, calls to say guys like Dave are partially the reason he left L.A. after three years. He also asks Tom if there is a more misleading name than Elizabeth's Jersey Gardens shopping complex. Mike thinks the botanical name clashes with the industrial wasteland surroundings, but Tom wants to know what he expected to find just off the turnpike in the heart of the area that serves as the stereotype for what ill-informed outsiders think the state is like. He tells Mike to return to California.

- Erika from Baltimore makes her first pre-topic call to get some advice on cheap and tasty eats for her upcoming weekend in NYC. Tom recommends a local eatery called Nobu as a place that conforms to these guidelines. Erika realizes that Tom is on Laurie's budget. ZUNG! She got her, and, with some prodding from Tom, she owns it. Tom thinks Erika should eat somewhere weird in the Village, but he can't offer any specific destinations. When he dines in NYC other people pick the place and tell him when to show up. Tom does nix Republic, a noodle-centric dump that takes the broth of Chinese oppression and pours it into a chic, urban bowl. He's been tempted to get a hot apple pie from the MacDonald's next door and use its smashed bits to add flavor to their gruel. Erika says she's heard good things about Republic, but Tom thinks that everyone is just afraid to say it stinks. He then pulls off the nifty feat of putting Erika, who is Jewish, on the defensive about eating a bagel in New York.

- Jackson from Malibu calls from Seattle. Tom GOMPs him for trying to earn some weird fire-cred by making it sound like he was surrounded by flames. Shameful.



- Jason Nash from the Guys With Feelings podcast recommends Hill Country, his favorite barbecue place in NYC. He just started listening to The Best Show after a pink hamster who regularly calls his program started talking about it. Tom wants to know if Jason records GWF in his kitchen or his living room. It's recorded in his basement. Wah-waaaah. Tom wonders what it's like to be "on the air", and Jason wants to know what it's like to be ON THE AIR at a real radio station. He imagines that it's awesome, and he's right. Tom points out that he has to arrive at a certain time every week. The pay? Tom does it for the glory just like the blue-collar deep-core drillers of Armageddon. Jason assumes Tom has an overbearing boss that tells him what he can and cannot say on the air. What? Tom's the boss. He's beholden only to FCC restrictions (and sponsors like Mennen, but they've pretty much given him free reign). Tom tells Jason that he proudly runs a family-friendly show unlike the filthy podcasts that are littering the Internet.

Tom was listening to Never Funny with Jimmy Pardo & Ken Rogers with his nephew, and he had to shut it off after 30 seconds due to foul language. Since Pardo has more listeners than GWF, Jason crowns him the King of Podcasts to his status as The Prince. He thinks Pardo is hilarious and never wanted to say bad things about him until he started a podcast. Jason may or may not know that Pardo started before him (fact-checkin' cuz ericluxury puts GWF's debut four months prior to NF). Tom's pretty much above all of this nonsense because he's broadcasting over the radio. People are listening to it in their cars without having to iTrip their iPods. Tom says that he's an emporium like PetSmart while GWF and its ilk are like a weird Silver Lake pet store. Jason says he hates people who live in Silver Lake, but he refuses to tell Tom the correct area to live in L.A.

Jason wanted to start a funny podcast war, but all of his listeners urged him not to take it to Scharpling. He thinks a war could be mutually beneficial to both programs. Tom's on board with supporting the comedy scene, but he feels that he would help out GWF (300 listeners) a lot more than they would help The Best Show (300,000 listeners). Tom tells Jason that this call is the best press GWF will get until his partner, Jeff Baumbach, is arrested for what he did. Jason was at the scene of the crime, and he was in on it. Tom thinks he may be talking to the guy who does the interview podcast, but Jason is the guy who does awkward things like having a big fight with Paul F. Tompkins. He claims that Mike told him that his voice was too low for the air, but Tom is pretty sure Mike was referring to the phone connection, not his natural timbre. Either way, it's nothing a VoiceMod® PitchMaster 250 couldn't solve.

- "Chad" from Portland, Oregon/Malibu calls to say the GWF podcast is good stuff. He mentions that Jason is buds with Jonathan Katz, who also has a good podcast. Tom GOMPs Jeff and Jason for turning The Best Show into Podcast Alley. Tom promises to check out the GWF podcast, although he doesn't appreciate people trying to ride his coattails. He worked hard to achieve his lofty status in the world of real radio. He's not in his laundry room, worrying about whether the sneakers rattling around in the dryer will be audible on the broadcast. Tom drives to a building with a key that not everyone has, steps in front of the board, and starts manning the controls. He's doing it.

- Hattie (?) from Bayonne agrees that Republic's food is terrible, and he also can't stand the wooden benches that take you back to high school. Tom points out that it's fine to pay $14 for 100 tables because it's cool. Hattie prefers traditional restaurant seating, and Tom would much rather sit in a comfy chair and tear into a porterhouse at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Hattie says the group of people next to him at Republic where trying to act like it was delicous. Tom says that's why God made horse races. Hattie's not sure what that means. Tom tells him to think about it.

- A caller reports some good news: he found out last Thursday that he and his wife are having a boy. Tom thinks that's great and very interesting to all of us. The caller says they were brainstorming names, and they really liked Leo, which is the last name of a certain rock star who calls the program. While his son wouldn't be specifically named after Ted Leo, the caller thinks the association makes the name a lot cooler.

- Jason returns to make sure Tom heard the guy who said his GWF podcast was good. Tom heard it. Jason says he likes Tom's show a lot, dude. Tom says thanks, dude. Jason scanned the archives and noticed that Tom has a lot of "indie" guests. He's never heard a Ted Leo record, so he asks Tom to describe his sound. Jason says air is as alternative as he gets. I'm not sure if he was referring to the French electronica duo or Bernhard Gluckman's "air mixes". Tom says Ted Leo's music is readily available for him to hear. He longs for a day when we have things in our houses that allow us to download electronic music files. But, alas, this is 1982, and the future is uncertain. Tom announces that he will appear on GWF. Jason will call WFMU to arrange the guest spot.

- A caller doesn't like iPod owners who act like the device is the best thing ever. Tom agrees that it's crazy. He doesn't think people should have the right to flaunt the fact that they had $79 of disposable income. The caller points out that companies like Creative make the same .mp3 player at half the price. Tom says this is why he uses a Zune. While everybody laughs at him now, he's confident that Microsoft will ultimately win the war. The caller thinks Apple encourages consumer arrogance. Tom says he might give the iPod a try if he's lucky enough to win the lottery drawing to be able to purchase one of the three iPods available each day at the Apple Store. He also heard that the guys at the Genius Bar are now staging fights in the parking lot. The winner gets the chance to buy an iPod. It's a sick world.

[Paul F. Tompkins to come.]

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom announces that Rhino will release a felt-lined, 37-disc box set of his new hits collection Scharpling Sings!, including the prized monaural recordings, as well as hott bonus tracks like "I Fought in a War", "The Model", "Breakaway", "Kids", and "Under the Bridge"! 100-page booklet (liner notes by Gerard Cosloy, WFMU's DJ Terre T, Chuck Eddy, Chris L, Bill Chippert, and Mac McCaughan) in a commemorative bronzed Consolidated Cardboard "El Grande" box.

p.s. -- Does anybody have an OiNK invite they can send my way? I'd really like to snag some Robert Klein bootlegs (especially Catch a Rising Star 7/6/77 and Club Pizzazz 5/8/87) and maybe the new Dillinger Escape Plan. Thanks in advance!

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