"Those are weirdo dogs. Only a weirdo would like a dog like that." -- Tom on Spike's preference for hut dogs
"Let me get this straight, you saw Patton Oswald, and it was good?" -- Tom, wrapping his head around Ryan in Miami's first live comedy experience
"Wait a minute. There's somebody playing tambourine in a Christian rock group?" -- Tom on Bonnie's suprising role in On Purpose
"Some people might think the entire movie's a blooper reel." -- Tom on The Cannonball Run material that precedes its actual Citizen Kane-level outtakes
"I used to put that hot sauce on everything. Rickey's. What, I'm gonna eat that, find one of his stringy mullet hairs in it? I don't want that." -- Tom, abandoning Billy Mitchell's condiment
"I like Joe Don Baker, and I like the word 'squirrelly'." -- Tom, outlining his reasons for accepting Weirder Jon's Cape Fear quotation
"People need their head examined if they think that's hilarious." -- Tom, diagnosing fans of the dirty but decidedly unfunny Blazing Saddles
"I like to go over my friend Craig's house. He usually has some guy from One Tree Hill hangin' out over there." -- Paul F. Tompkins on the laidback United Kingdom charms of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Why don't they ask me to do one of these Cannonball things?" -- Frank Sinatra, wondering why Hal Needham & Co. didn't add him to the ensemble
"I'm like the 'Leave Britney Alone' guy, but with Kanyay West." -- Tom, comparing his Kanyay support to Chris Crocker's passionate pleas on behalf of a post-VMAs Spears
"How are Mike Leigh's films like the TV show Good Times?" -- Olivia, asking a valid question
"I expressly requested that they discontinue the Wi-Fi down in the Hate Pit." -- Tom, after getting an IM GOMP request from Matthew Fluxblog
"I don't want some dumb Preston Sturges movie on the list -- I gotta make way for these 17 Mr. Brooks quotes." -- Tom, banning boring old screwball comedies to clear the path for Costner's modern masterwork
[More to come.]
Big L - "Ebonics"
( Click here to buy The Big Picture)
The Shocking Pinks - "Victims"
( Click here to buy Shocking Pinks)
Shout Out Louds - "Time Left For Love"
( Click here to buy Our Ill Wills)
Eric's Trip - "View Master"
( Click here to buy Forever Again)
Mickey and the Salty Sea Dogs - "Mighty Thing"
( Click here to buy Saltwater and Whiskey)
Heavy Trash - "Outside Chance"
( Click here to buy Going Way Out with Heavy Trash)
Baroness - "Wanderlust"
( Click here to buy The Red Album)
Neil Handburger - "Paul Newman" (excerpt)
( Click here to buy Comedy Death-Ray)
Public Enemy - "Caught, Can We Get A Witness?"
( Click here to buy It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
The title of tonight's installment of The Best Show is "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, MURDER!", and Mike the Associate Producer is already coming unwound. Tom doesn't think this is the kind of class typically shown by a HOFer. Mike may be getting some more company around the cigarette vending machine -- there's a rumor going around that Tom will induct a new person into these hallowed halls tonight. Clark? It could be Clark. It's not gonna be Clark. It might be Clark! It won't be Clark. Tom started off his opening music set with ABBA's "Super Trouper", prompting Mike to ask him if there will ever be an end to this felt-lined treasure chest. In short: no. After Tom exhausts all nine discs, he will simply loop back around to "Voulez-Vous" and start anew. Tom back-dedicates the sad "Super Trouper" to himself -- he shows up every week to tough it out, put on a friendly smile (and give birth to many more), and try to keep everybody laughing and clapping their hands. Despite this joyous exterior, he's actually rotting and dying on the inside. Tom says that if 10 random people off the street were given a legal pad and pencil to document the pressure they're under, he would beat any 10. Tom's not complaining. Oh, Tom's complaining.
- Spike calls to say he's doing just dandy and mixing it up on the FOT Chat. Tom's a bit disgusted by his participation. He asks Spike if people are embracing him warmly. Spike says most of them are, but he's not sure why Tyra Banks is the hot topic at the moment. He's not a fan of the her because models irritate him as much as professional or amateur athletes. Tom asks Spike if he'd change his tune about Banks if she sang the old Rodgers and Hart standard "Blue Moon". Spike says she'd still be an irredeemable airhead. Spike survives! Tom resets the clock to learn more about Spike's anti-athlete stance. He suspects Spike is annoyed by all their physical accomplishments while he decomposes in his musty "dungeon". Spike's main problem with athletes is their lack of morals, as evidenced by their penchant for dogfighting and domestic violence against their spouses and children. Tom stops the clock. He thinks Spike's statement is a bit broad, so he wants the name of a specific athlete who has beaten his children. Spike says Mr. O.J. Simpson, the former NFL star who accused of killing his ex-wife in 1994.
Tom is prepared to move the 60-year-old Simpson out of the "athlete" category at this point considering he was last on an active roster in 1979, retiring from the gridiron to focus on an acting career (he auditioned for Ocean's Fourteen a few weeks ago) and a life of crime. Spike counters with the "other genius" who is involved in dogfighting. Spike's not sure if he has a wife to beat, but he is certain that he should go to jail for animal cruelty. Tom agrees. Spike likes some breeds of dogs, but he's not into pit bulls because they're dangerous. Tom calls him a moron because he owns a pit bull that is not dangerous at all. Spike prefers daschunds and collies. Tom thinks daschunds are weirdo dogs that only weirdos like, and he dismisses collies as snooze companions for 80-year-olds. Spike puts Doberman Pinschers and German Shepherds into the pit bull Hate Pit -- he can't deal with any dogs that kill and maim. Tom points out that these dogs only resort to violence when they are raised by mutant humans like Mr. Vick. He can't deal with Spike insulting Dogmo, so he bids him "Good Day!" with a directive borrowed from Charles Ridenhour in Public Enemy's "Caught, Can We Get a Witness?": "You should sample this: my pit bull."
Tom is still training Dogmo to crave human flesh and human blood. She now prefers those foodstuffs to anything except Beneful dog food. When presented with a bowl of human flesh/blood (available at almost any store in Newbridge Commons) and a bowl of Beneful dry, she will still gravitate towards the latter. Tom now realizes that she's not really a huge fan of the human flesh and blood. Perhaps he should switch to Angry Dog Food to achieve the desired results.
- Ryan in Miami calls to tell Tom about his experience this past weekend at his first-ever live comedy show. He saw Patton Oswald, so Tom stops the clock so he can hear the recap sans sound effects. For some reason, Oswald, fresh from an Oscar-caliber turn in Trent L. Strauss's Rambocky, performed at The Lyric Theatre in desolate Stuart, Florida, which is two hours north of Miami. Ryan arrived an hour early, expecting to like find some like time-killing amusement or whatever. However, historic downtown Stuart was shut down by 8 p.m. and could only offer darkened strip malls. Faced with no other entertainment options, Ryan proceeded to the lobby of the venue and encountered two totally drunk women in their mid-40s. They were stumbling around, sloppily approaching anyone in their path to request free drinks. Ryan thought this was terrible, and the ladies, of course, sat right in front of him when he went inside for the show. Tom asks him for some more interesting details, such as the color of the door he passed through. Ryan says things were just about to get interesting. Tom appreciates his decision to provide an uninteresting four-and-a-half-minute preamble to set the storytelling table with the worst parts. Ryan promise to cut to the exciting chase. The women were quite rowdy during the set from the opener, Nashville's The Counterpuncher, but Patton captured their attention and quickly silenced them while he prowled the boards with comedic aplomb. He was awesome. THE END.
Tom wants to make sure he understood the gist of this story. He thinks it's similar to the complex, interweaving narrative of Paul Thomas Anderson's epic melodrama Magnolia, although Ryan created a whole character arc that didn't require audience attention. Tom wonders how the two drunk women affected the Patton Oswald show. Ryan explains that he thought they were going to ruin his evening because of their pre-show behavior, but after greeting Patton with some yelling, they quieted down. (Lucky for them considering the fate that has previously befallen female PO agitators.) Tom asks Ryan if he likes to hike. He doesn't, but he does own a car. Tom compares his call to driving around on some unfamiliar road that ultimately leads to nowhere. He GOMPs him for the dead-end detour. Tom reduces his call to a 15-second statement: "I saw Patton Oswald two hours from my house. It was awesome, though. He even calmed down these two drunk girls!" Tom believes that Ryan failed to make good on his promise to deliver the "good part" of his story after his meandering introduction. He doesn't think two drunk women calming down and getting into the headlining act qualifies as an intriguing twist. Tom wants people to remember the name "Ryan from Miami." I did remember his name -- he called two weeks ago to try to get Tom to throw Kanyay West into the Hate Pit for talking with his mouth full during an interview! Two words: thin ice. Tom isn't pleased that the show is off to a shaky start with the most boring Spike call ever and a guy reporting that Patton Oswald was good at performing live comedy.
THIS JUST IN: Spike has managed to use his own weird italicized font in the FOT Chat. Oh, Spike.
- Tom is excited that Quentin Tarantino's original vision of Death Proof is out on DVD, with Planet Terror to follow on 10/16/07. He can't wait to see the extended cut, featuring a riveting scene of the cook at the Texas Chili Parlor whipping up Stuntman Mike's mountain of nachos in the kitchen.
- Bonnie from Georgia calls to ask Tom what the topic is because she's returning from a gig her band just played. Stop the clock! Bonnie is the tambourine player for the Baptist praise rockers On Purpose, and tonight they took a 90-minute road trip to bring their musical worship to a high school. Tom is very surprised to hear that a Christian rock group employs this instrument. Perhaps Bonnie could replace the erratic, drug-addled Kim Dalrymple in Hell Toupee, especially considering Kim's recent rift with frontman Darren Ploppleton. In addition to shaking the tambourine, Bonnie says she tried to loosen up a bit and dance around. However, one of her bandmates doesn't seem to recall this component of her performance.
She listens to the show live every week, but the tour van lacks Internet access -- unlike the tricked-out Danielson van. Bonnie thought she'd call anyway to see if she could contribute something to the program. Tom praises her proactive taking of the reigns and asks her to identify the people piping up in the background. Bonnie runs down the rest of the On Purpose lineup: Wes (drums), Austin (lead singer/guitarist), and Kyle (bass). The band used to be called Bonnie and the Clydes, but the male trio changed it for some reason. Tom's not that into a band being named after the tambourine player. Bonnie thinks it was appropriate because she is the only female member and the easiest on the eyes. She was a little disappointed because she thought the name was kinda funny, but she can live with On Purpose. Tom thinks Bonnie is being very courageous to tough out the name change because she thinks everyone else in the group is ugly. Bonnie says her good-looking boyfriend is the drummer. She apologizes for sounding conceited about her appearance.
Bonnie loves movies, so she's in luck for tonight's topic. Back on 6/28/05, Tom started compiling his own list of the Top 100 Movies Quotes to shame the AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes list. Tom welcomed 32 quotes to the list that night and now he's going back to the well to flesh it out. He gives Bonnie the option to think about it and call back, but she names a personal favorite off the top of her Head: "Well, let me tell you one thing son: nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor." While the line was said by the Tom-approved Pete Tork, he institutes a Monkees blackout because Mickey Dolenz humiliated him. Bonnie now remembers that Dolenz lives in the Hate Pit. Tom gets her to repeat "Hate Pit" with her Southern accent. Bonnie says she feels ashamed for coming off as conceited and then following that by referencing the dreaded Dolenz. Tom tells Bonnie that her quote is the equivalent of throwing a rope ladder down into the Hate Pit. Bonnie is hurt by her unintentional rescue attempt, so she immediately burns the rope ladder. Tom asks Bonnie and her Upside Down bandmates to relax in the van and put their collective heads together to come up with some more quotes for later in the show.
- Matthew from Greenpoint, Brooklyn, was on hold for a pre-topic call, but now he's ready to get on-topic. Tom stops the clock due to the shift. Matthew offers Ted Knight's classic response to Spalding Smails's request for a
handburger cheeseburger, hut dog, and milkshake: "You'll get nothing and like it!" However, this Caddyshack quote already appears on the list at #11. Matthew goes off-topic to dispute Tom for branding him a racist back in late August for disparaging "Eyetalian"-Americans. He thinks it's acceptable because he's part Italian-American. Tom disagrees. He demands that Matthew apologize to the Italian-American community. Tom accepts it on their behalf and gives Matthew permission to remove the "R" from his forehead.
Tom puts Matthew back on the clock when he goes from his post-topic off-topic material to his original pre-topic topic of blooper reels, such as the end-credit hijinks in Jackie Chan films. He wants to know if Tom agrees that these laff clips belong in the trash. Tom stops the clock. He's got no problems with top-shelf bloopers like the ones seen in The Cannonball Run. Matthew was unaware the film contained outtakes. Tom points out that while some might classify the film's entire running time as an extended blooper reel, the actual blooper reel is the Citzen Kane of the genre. Matthew proceeds to make an extremely bizarre segue from the Clerks II blooper reel to outtakes from the short-lived 1993 Fox sitcom Daddy Dearest, starring Don Rickles and Richard Lewis. He claims the latter can be found on YouseTube, but Tom has no idea what he's talking about. He bids Matthew a good say so he can clear up his confusion off-air.
Tom reads from the introduction of the list of extant Best Show movie quotes, which can be found at the following url:
The primary difference between the two lists is a matter of approach: The AFI list makes the faulty assumption that the most memorable lines should come from popular and critically-acclaimed films; Meanwhile, the Best Show list is a motley collection of jokes, throwaway lines, preposterous dialogue, and bits of hackneyed screenwriting that manage to encapsulate, in a few choice words, an entire character or film.
Tom decides the person who wrote this entry is tiptoeing around the edges of the Hate Pit. However, the scribe wins him back with this:
The Best Show list also excludes all irrelevant, old-timey garbage, in direct opposition to the AFI's pro-irrelevant, old-timey garbage policies.
Tom gives some highlights from the current list (in order of nomination, not rank):
1. "Bear fell on me." -- Tinker (John William Young) Road House (1989)
(Tom says it's "Bear fell on him." -- isn't it "A polar bear fell on me."?)
10. "We're racers, not rapists!" -- J.J. McClure (Burt Reynolds), The Cannonball Run (1981)
24. "GET OFF MY PLANE!" -- President James Marshall (Harrison Ford), Air Force One (1997)
29. "What the hell we supposed to do, you mo-ron?" --"Stork" (Douglas Kenney), National Lampoon's Animule House (1978)
32. "What are these?" / "These are the keys to the dojo." -- John Kreese (Martin Kove) handing over the Cobra Kai empire to Terry Silver (Thomas Ian Griffith) in The Karate Kid, Part III (1989)
23. "Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it snappy, I'm in a [gd] hurry." -- Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason), Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
17. "Look at me like a human boy!" -- Martin Daniels (Charles Grodin), Clifford (1994)
- Snoozey Owen aka American Hero is not calling from inside his Hungrr suit because it's too hot tonight. Tom wonders if fighting hungrr entails recommending restaurants and the most-filling candy bars. Owen says it's generally more about informing people about volunteering their time and donating money to charitable organizations to help out their neighbors in needs. His quote:
"Grab a brew. They're free." -- Bluto (John Belushi) in Animule House
DENIED. (He didn't even get the quote right: "Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.")
- Laurie in Miami calls with a quote from one of Tom's recent fave films, The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters:
"No punk [blank] EVER got a gnarly piece of [blank] by being sensitive and considerate." -- Roy "Mr. Awesome" Shildt
Tom wants to know why Laurie focused on the filth. He overrides her to go with a gem from Billy Mitchell: "World Championship Headquarters." Laurie almost wants to take a road trip to throw eggs at Rickey's, Mr. Mitchell's Hollywood, Florida restaurant. She says it's about 40 minutes away from Miami, and Tom doesn't think the journey qualifies as a "road trip". He imagines Laurie summoning some friends to pile into her car (maybe her new Porsche Cayenne S?) for an 18-mile drive. Laurie's not sure why it's called Rickey's since the guy's name is Billy. Tom suspects he's not the actual owner. Laurie says he seemed to indicate that he was in the documentary, and Tom is not surprised that someone featured in TKoK was bragging or exaggerating about their standing in the world. Laurie thinks Mitchell might be a line cook, but Tom thinks he's some kind of manager. (He took it over in the mid-1980s from his parents and currently owns and manages the joint.) Tom recommends that Laurie take the family chopper for an air trip to Rickey's. Laurie denies having access to one.
Laurie mentions a great photo of socialite she saw in Radar magazine. She thought it was Tinsley Mortimer, daughter of legendary filmmaker Famous Mortimer, but it was actually a young lady named Byrdie Bell. In the photo, Bell is on the street holding a sign that reads "DADDY WON'T BUY ME A JET!" while offering a donation cup to raise money from pedestrians to buy her own. Laurie was amused by the panhandling because her daddy already bought her a jet. Tom imagines Laurie inquiring about the readiness of the helipad because she wanted to take the jet to the arcade in Hollywood, Florida. In Tom's scenario, Laurie would also request a reservation for two at Rickey's, but she doubts they take reservations there. After seeing TKoK, Tom refuses to eat the Rickey's hot sauce. He used to put it on everything, but now he's leery about finding one of Mitchell's stringy mullet hairs in the sauce. I'd recommend switching to Mad Anthony's. Tom GOMPs Laurie, and he's not sure why he keeps doing that. He likes her, but it feels good to GOMP.
Quote: "If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present."
- Susannah in Santa Monica, formerly of New Jersey and Philadelphia, calls prior to leaving for the gym where she'll be greeted by a one-hour simulcasted set from superstar DJ Steve "Kid Millionaire" Aoki. Tom doesn't know who would want to see a DJ set at the gym. It's not Susannah -- she just wants to exercise in peace and get out of there. Susannah says she doesn't care for watching Dr. 90210 on the big screens in front of the treadmills, but she can handle that. Aoki is pushing it. Susannah's quote comes from Withnail and I (1986). While in the middle of a bloody overdose, Peter Marwood (Paul McGann) realizes that the drugs have invaded his hands: "My thumbs have gone weird."
Tom's never seen the film even though everyone seems to like it. DENIED. He's scared because Mike's a fan of it. Susannah says she's aligned with Mike's cinematic tastes -- she also likes Werner Herzog's Strotesick and Aguirre, the Wrath of Khan. Tom mentions that Mike is planning a legitimate road trip to the village of Plainfield, Wisconsin to check out where Strotesick was filmed. Mike and some buddies intend to repossess someone's trailer to party and watch the Tic-Tac-Toe chicken dance around. Susannah hangs up on Tom due to cell phone battery death.
- Matthew from Greenpoint returns to redeem himself with an exchange from Mr. Mom (1983):
Annette (Miriam Flynn): [as Jack (Michael Keaton) is driving away from the super market] He's married!
Joan (Ann Jillian): So were we once!
DENIED. The only Mr. Mom dialogue Tom would consider is the full transcript of the commercial apology for the increase in Schooner Tuna ("the tuna with heart!") prices due to an economic downturn. Tom tells Matthew he will get on the list if he can provide the text. He bids him good day.
- A rugged Brock calls from Portland and gets off to a bad start by using the term "Brocktober." Tom doesn't like it, and he's pretty sure Brock has been saying it since he was 2 years old. Brock claims he just recently discovered that his name rhymed with the first half of the month called October. He tries to quote Dr. Lexus's (Macintosh computer) diagnosis of Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson) in Idiocracy (2006), but Tom DENIES it unheard because Brock says it contains toilet words. Tom gets rid of him before he can reveal his family-friendly alternative. He doesn't want to know guys like this.
- Kenny in Fairfield, NJ gets Tom excited with his chosen source material of Conan the Barbarian (1982). Tom hoped for the best and got it. Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) responds to the Mongol General's (Akia Mitchandmurray) query about what is best in life: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." ACCEPTED.
- Weirder Jon in Maplewood calls with two proposals for the list.
2. WJ scores with something from Martin Scorsese's Cape Fear (1991):
Claude Kersek (Joe Don Baker): "If you start feeling squirrelly, just jump."
ACCEPTED. Tom likes Joe Don Baker and the word "squirrelly". He's less enamored with Fletch, so he announces that nothing from the film will ever land on The Best Show list. Tom corrects a past error by striking an Airplane! (1980) quote:
7. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." Steve McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges) -- Airplane! (1980)
- Martin calls from the underdog city of Pittsburgh, which he likes but probably won't die in. Tom points out that the residents of The Pitts like their football. (Go Steeluhs.) Martins cites a recent poll of NFL cities that found Pittsburgh to contain the most dedicated male and female fans. Tom says he enjoyed listening to the local AM news station when he arrived in Pittsburgh last month for his visit to the Andy Warhole museum. He was particularly interested in the old-timey newsroom sound effects -- the feverish banging out of morse code, carriage return bells, Walter Cronkite tuning his Moog -- in the background as the broadcaster read his copy. Tom doubts modern-day newsrooms sound like that. Martin's quote comes from a scene in Rambo: First Blood (1982) where Colonel Samuel Trautman (Richard Crenna) and Sheriff Will Teasle (Brian Dennehy) discuss an impending showdown with John Rambo:
Teasle: Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?
Trautman: You send that many, don't forget one thing.
(beat) ZOOM IN ON:
Trautman: A good supply of body bags.
Tom's on the fence, but Mike DENIES it. He's a tough taskmaster when it comes to movie quotes.
© Dorvid, 2007
- Seth in Toccoa Falls, GA, takes a break from his paper on the electoral college to join the fun. He says things are going well in his dorm room, but he can't speak for the rest of the state. His Georgia hero is Zell Miller. Seth wants to know if anyone has mentioned the classic Tony Montana (Al Pacino) quote from Scarface (1983): "Get ready to meet my little friend." Tom did not plan to accept anything from this film, but he points out that Seth somehow managed to completely butcher one of the most quoted things of all-time. Seth says he's only seen Scarface once, so he accidentally substituted "get ready" for "say hello." Since the quote as stated by Seth does not actually appear in the film, Tom ACCEPTS it.
Seth wants to fire again with something from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, but Tom's not interested in the double-dipping. He leaves Seth to finish his paper and warns him to stay out of Cabbagetown, metro Atlanta's version of Western Maine. Seth enjoys the area's Italian eateries. Tom says he recently had a pleasant dining experience at a nice Scottish restaurant called MacDonald's. He had their cinnamon-encrusted baked apple pies. Seth's also a fan of that those. My favorite MacDonald's dish is the Jeff Garlin combination platter: the MacHaggis sandwich with a side of Colcannon and a supersized stout.
"The life of a repo man is always intense." DENIED.
"Ordinary [flippin'] people. I hate 'em." DENIED.
Tom decides there's no room for Alex Cox's cult fave on his list. Mark switches to David Cronenberg for a line from Max Renn (Jimmy Woods) at the end of Videodrome: "Death to Videodrome! Long live the new flesh!". Tom DENIES Mark for the third time. This was a particularly ill-advised pick considering Tom's recent Videodrome-y trauma involving Super Dave Osbourne jumping out of his TV during an episode of Curb.
Ronald Reagan Jeremy in Portland asks who he's talking to. It's Tom Scharpling, host of The Best Show on WFMU. Jeremy's odd query was apparently some kind of homage to The Kid. Tom takes it in good stride. Jeremy's quote comes from Search and Destroy (1995), which is not a Henry Rollins bio-pic. It's a film directed by David Soul from Starsky and Hutch. The script, written by CHiPs star Larry Wilcox, contains the following line from Dr. Luther Waxling (Dennis Hopper): "Just because it happened to you does not make it interesting." Jeremy thinks this is a message that bloggers need to hear. Mike accepts it, and Jeremy is elated. However, just because Mike accepts it does not mean Tom does. DENIED! Tom GOMPs the pink rodent, giving him more free time to sift through the plentiful local street trash. He's giddy at the abrupt change of fortune he just orchestrated.
- Mike hands Tom a piece of paper containing the last lines, spoken by the Deputy Sheriff, of his beloved Strotesick (1977): "We have a 10-80 out here, a truck on fire, we have a man on the lift. We are unable to find the switch to turn the lift off, can't stop the dancing chickens. Send an electrician, we're standing by." ACCEPTED. Strotesick makes the list!
- Moose from up in the Tarrytown branch of the Jock Squad calls to relay one of his favorite quotes from Captain Benjamin L. Willard (Martin Sheen) in Apocalypse Now (1979): "They were gonna make me a major for this ..." Tom cuts him off because he doesn't want to endure a full quote from this film.
Toilet "talk": I'm a book agent, so I know this brings the funny
- A caller wants to know if Mel Brooks's fart-western Blazing Saddles (1974) is allowed. Tom immediately bans the unfunny film from consideration, and the puzzled caller requests some examples of how it lacks the funny. Tom points him to the beginning, the middle, and the end. He dumps the caller before he can recite Cleavon Little's entire "Excuse me ..." quote. Tom concludes that people who think the film is hilarious need a head examination. He wants to put Blazing Saddles back into the time capsule along with all the other cultural artifacts that no longer translate to the present. Tom points out that while the film was a common gateway into the world of filthy, adult fare for many teens of the era, it's doesn't mean it's actually funny.
- Matt in East Orange 07017 calls with a quote from Maximillian Cohen (Sean Gullette) in Darren Aronofsky's pi (1998): "12:45. Restate my assumptions. I don't know if it's 12:45, but it's an exact time somewhere." (A bit of trivia you won't find on IMDb because it's probably not true: August served as the GO consultant on the film.) DENIED. Tom is trying to avoid ever seeing an Aronofsky film, and Matt recommends skipping Requiem for a Dream. Tom's really trying to never see that one. Mike says he didn't find the adaptation of Hubert Selby, Jr's novel of lives shattered by delusional dreams and heroin addiction to be that funny. Matt cracks up, and Tom thinks he and Mike should check with Clark about creating a "Venison Stew" spin-off -- the Private Practice to his Grey's Anatomy. Matt says he's not interested. Tom is a bit surprised that Matt doesn't want to go to Clark's house once a week to record an Internet radio show with Mike. Matt calls "Venison Stew" "stupid", and Tom tells him to take it back. He's not sure why he continues to court the banned Clark by mentioning him eight times in the past hour. Tom reminds himself that it will all just lead to an unwanted cooler with his name on it.
- Evan in Providence calls to offer a quote from Groundhog's Day (1993) that has personal meaning: "Rise and shine campers, don't forget your booties 'cause it's cold out there today. It's cold out there every day -- what is this, Miami Beach?!" At first, the morning DJ's greeting is just a jokey quip, but through its repetition during the remainder of the film, it accrues more existential heft. Evan says he recited the quote to himself every morning when he was grinding out 60-hour work weeks. Tom doesn't issue an immediate verdict, so Evan fires again via Clifford Daniels: "I feel that Dinosaur World is the only place a boy like me can be happy." ACCEPTED. Tom gently denies Evan's first quote, but allows him to put it on his own list of quotes.
- Raj from Bristow, Virginia, calls with a Dan Akroyd Two for Tuesday.
1. Akroyd as Dr. Ray Stantz in Ghostbusters (1984): "Wow! This place is great! When can we move in? You gotta try this pole." DENIED
2. Akroyd as Steven Mills in My Stepmother is an Alien (1988): "Well, I must be going home. Yes, I must get home ... to that good pie." DENIED
Tom wonders if these quotes are typical of how it's done in Bristow. He doesn't like it.
- Scott calls from L.A. 90011 (close enough), so Tom is looking forward to a solid quote right from the heart of the industry. He starts with Sgt. Hulka (Warren Oates) in Stripes (1981): "Lighten up, Francis." DENIED. Tom bans Stripes from the list for personal reasons -- he had a problem with a creep who co-wrote the screenplay. Scott strikes it and moves to one of his guilty pleasures: the 1990 Stephen Seagal actioner, Hard to Kill. In one scene, Mason Storm (Seagal) watches a television campaign spot from Senator Vernon Trent (William Sadler) in which he tells voters that they can take his promise of no new taxes to the bank. Storm has different plans for this figurative banking: "I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent -- to the blood bank." ACCEPTED. Scott says goodnight to Tom and his ABBA box.
- Tim from Staten Island calls while sitting in an ambulance that's about to screech down Hyland Boulevard en route to Sedutto's. He liked the "gangsta" bed music last week, but he wants to know if Tom purchased tonight's selection at the Whitney Museum gift shop during his recent visit to see the exhibition of psychadelic art. Tom absorbs the zing sans retort because it came from an EMT. He may require Tim's emergency services at some point -- perhaps after a scuffle with a Tony Millionaire enthusiast at Jim Hanley's Universe. Tim thinks he can one-up Raj's Akroyd-based Ghostbusters quote and get on the list with Billmurray:
Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.
Man at Elevator: That's gotta be some cockroach.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Bite your head off, man.
Dr. Ray Stantz: [Entering elevator] Going up?
Man at Elevator: I'll take the next one.
Tim was wrong. DENIED. He tries again with an obscure pull from Top Gun (1986). Aspiring fighter pilot Maverick (Tom Cruise) expresses a desire, and his fellow student Goose (Anthony Edwards) joins him in stating their primary reason for enrolling in the United States Navy Fighter Weapons School: "I feel the need ... (in unison) the need for speed!" YES! The quote doesn't make the list. DENIED. Tim goes for a hat trick of ineptitude with quote from Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) in The Shining (1980). As Tim proved with his Top Gun quote, he doesn't like to go for the obvious ones, so he skips "Heeeeere's Johnny" in favor of Jack's toilet-mouthed threat to his wife, Wendy (Shelley Duval), after she comes after him with a ball bat. DENIED. Tom's got no time for a filthmouth in an ambulance. He does honor Tim's request by switching to his more urban bed music.
- Kevin in Urbana, IL, calls during a rare live listen, so he finally knows that the ABBA box is not just some ruse Tom has been perpetrating on music-deprived podcast listeners. Tom says the show only caters to the live listener. Kevin offers a sentimental favorite from Moulin Rouge! (2001), which occupies a warm place in The Best Show pantheon (see Tom's love affair with the musical in June 2001). Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (John Leguizamo) has a simple yet powerful message for Christian (Ewan MacGregor): "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Mike DENIES it. When Kevin mentioned that he was going the "sentimental" route, Mike expected to hear something from The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser.
- Chris L from Maryland's voice makes Tom gasp and leads to a discussion about tonight's HOF induction ceremony. CL guesses that Ted Leo or PFT are going in, but it's Mel aka bookem_dan-o aka the Hawaiian podcast maestro. Tom dedicates an entire wing to him, complete with interactive installations that kids can climb all over. I hope there are at least a few silver pillows, too. Chris L hits a home run with the Dave Mustaine-Lars Ulrich therapy session in Some Kind of Monster (full quote): "And I've never had a chance to be able tell you without talking to Lars, the guy in Metallica. Never talk to my little Danish friend again." ACCEPTED. Mustaine goes on to reminisce about better times when they would talk about digging a hole in the dirt and smoking hash through the ground. Awwwwww. Tom considers this Top 10 stuff.
- Jennifer in Brooklyn:
"Princeton can use a guy like Joel. His exact words!" -- Joel's Father (Nicholas Pryor) in Risky Business (1983) DENIED.
"Why don't you put her in charge?" -- Pfc. William Hudson (Bill Paxton) in Aliens (1986) DENIED.
- Stephen in Chicago is already cracking up at his quote like Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling, but his selection from The Last Boy Scout (1991) lives up to the hype. He omits the toilet talk in the confrontation between Milo (Taylor Negron) and Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis):
Milo: You think you are so [blank] cool, don't you? You think you are so [blank] cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...
Hallenbeck (sotto voce): Play some rap music.
- Martin in Edison calls to see if Tom has anything from Cobra. Tom says he doesn't, noting that it's a great movie. Martin fills the void with the opening scene where rogue cop Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone) pulls up in his Hot Rod to resolve a hostage situation at a grocery store. The maniac gunmen (Marco Rodríguez) threatens to blow up the entire store, but Cobra isn't too concerned: "Go ahead. I don't shop here." ACCEPTED. Tom's not sure who's more brilliant: Martin or Edison.
- Tim from Staten Island apologizes for his toilet talk because he doesn't want his ambulance to sink into the Hate Pit. He wants to take another shot at the list, but then he asks Tom if Spaceballs (1987) is banned. It most definitely is. Tom wonders if Tim planned to say "May the schwartz be with you!" and GOMPs him before he can say anything else. Tom is ready to re-evaluate the filmography of Mel Brooks in 2007. He wants to garner support to start taking away some of the accolades his comedies received in the 1970s and 1980s.
- Petey calls while chomping on a mouthful of M&Ms he found on his grandma's desk. Tom once spoke to Petey's other, Pennsylvania-based grandma. Both grandmas are doing fine, as are Faffer and Muffler. Tom asks about the well-being of the dog, but he's not sure what dog he's referring to. Tom thinks it was pretty clear he was talking about Petey's dog, but Petey thinks "dog" can mean different things. Tom disagrees. Petey tries two quotes:
1. Petey opens with Cheyenne (Jason Robards) urging Jill McBain (Claudia Cardinale) to cut the men working on the railroad some slack in the pasta western Once Upon a Time in the West (1968): "You know what? If I was you, I'd go down there and give those boys a drink. Can't imagine how happy it makes a man to see a woman like you. Just to look at her. And if one of them should pat your behind, just make believe it's nothing. They earned it." Tom is surprised Petey didn't quote Half Baked. DENIED. Tom doesn't generally go for sleazy Sergio Leone porn features.
2. In Barton Fink (1991), Charlie Meadows aka Karl "Mad Man" Mundt (John Goodman) assures Barton Fink (John Turturro), who is struggling to write a Wallace Beery wrestling picture (could be a pip), that he could dislodge his writer's block with some interesting stories from his work as an insurance salesman. Tom DENIES the quote because it was written by Joel and Ethan Coen. He also salutes Petey for finally coming down from his drug trip. Petey denies taking drugs. Tom does an impression of a stoned Petey wandering around the house in search of his grandma's candy to stave off his pot-induced hungrr.
oravid in D.C. proposes the classic Barry Egan (Adam Sandler) apology from Punch-Drunk Love: "At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I'm sorry." ACCEPTED.
- Colin2k from L.A. calls to make a second attempt at getting a quote on the list. He tried to revive this very topic about a month ago, but Tom laughed at him and denied all of his offerings. Colin asks Tom to reconsider his previous Caddyshack quote: "Spalding, get your foot off the boat." DENIED again -- Spalding is already represented. Colin's alternate comes from the moment in Back to the Future (1985) when Mark Dixon (Courtney Gains) announces that he is about to break up the pair of Lorraine and George McFly at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance: "Scram, McFly. I'm cuttin' in." Tom DENIES it, and he would have also nixed McFly's "Hey, you. Get your ... damn ... hands off of her!" He GOMPs Colin for boring him.
- Chris from Sunset Park, Brooklyn, calls with a quote from The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974), which is being remade with Andy Milonakis assuming the Walter Matthau role of Lt. Zachary "Z" Garber. Milonakis will jump right into filming as soon as he wraps the Mork & Mindy feature and a three-episode guest arc on 30 Rock (he'll play Judah Friedlander's even-wackier cousin -- can't wait to see the text on his trucker hats!). In the original, a quartet of crafty hijackers seize control of a subway train on the 6 Lexington Avenue Local, taking 17 passengers hostage and demanding a $1 million ransom from the mayor (Ed Koch impersonator Lee Wallace) within an hour. Frank Correll (Dick O'Neill), however, thought this grim scenario was worth the privilege of very affordable public transportation (full quote): "Screw the goddamn passengers! What the hell did they expect for their lousy 35 cents -- to live forevuh?" ACCEPTED.
- Chris from Austin performs a scene from The Karate Kid, Part II:
Mr. Kesuke Miyagi (Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita, RIP): Is that same wood we find together on beach?
Sato (Danny Kamekona): Same.
DENIED. Tom GOMPs the creep and condemns him for attempting a weird ethnic voice.
- Tim in Staten Island returns with his second Stanley Kubrick offering. In keeping with his quest for lesser-known quotes, he picks the scene in Full Metal Jacket where Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) gives his Marine recruits a rather harsh talking-to. He's particularly brutal when addressing Leonard "Gomer Pyle" Lawrence (Vincent D'Onofororofrio), who is not as physically fit as his fellow soldiers. Tim thinks the entirety of Hartman's toilet-laden tirades are worthy of inclusion, but he focuses on the following query about Leonard's family history: "Did your parents have any children that lived?" Tom likes it, but
Monk Mike overrules. DENIED.
- Comedian Paul F. Tompkins calls from Hollywood, California, which is home to many entertainment professionals. He thinks the game is a smash hit because people love movie quotes. PFT notes that Entertainment Weekly has been tapping into this pop cultural zeitgeist with their weekly "Soundbytes" box featuring the best quotes from the past week of television. The editors will often highlight a particularly zesty quote in a dialogue bubble next to a picture of the person from a movie premiere six years earlier. PFT says there is a considerable prestige factor associated with the "Soundbytes" box. For example, contestants on The Apprentice will frantically flip the pages of the new issue to see if their zing was good enough to make the cut, or someone from the cast of Entourage will be disappointed to discover that they got blown out by something from The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Tom bets Ferguson has been pictured in the box at least once because he's handsome, and PFT has also picked up on Scotsman's dark UK charm. PFT likes that Ferguson skips jokes in favor of old-fashioned storytelling. Ferguson draws Tom in every night at 12:30 a.m. because it's fun to just hang out with him and some washed-up celebrity, such as a guy from One Tree Hill. PFT says he was never clear on whether OTH was a reality program or a fictional drama. He was scared to find out because the show, fiction or non-, would have made him feel very old.
Tom asks PFT about his opinion of a quote from The Cannonball Run (#4 on the list): "I could be patient with those patients." He doesn't give him any information about character and context -- he want's PFT's to judge it solely as a piece of standalone screenwriting. Tom does clarify that the line was intended as a joke. Since PFT is a professional jokesmith, Tom asks him about his process for collecting material. PFT says he fills up many notebooks with any thought that sounds like it might be humorous. Tom notes that this approach is similar to stand-up Orny Adams, who was used as a counterpoint to Jerry Seinfeld in the (great) 2002 documentary Comedian. PFT thinks Tom nailed it. Tom's not too impressed by Orny's 14 unproduced screenplays that are rotting in his overstuffed file cabinets. He points out that William Goldman hasn't even written that many scripts. PFT drops some little-known Hollywood trivia: Goldman actually ghost-wrote the script for The Cannonball Run. Producers thought the original draft by Robert Towne, who won an Oscar for his Chinatown screenplay, was "not fun enough", so they brought in Goldman for a punch-up. Goldman came up with the Jamie Blake (Sammy Davis, Jr.) line "You're small. S-M-all." Tom thinks "Jamie Blake" is a terrible movie character name; PFT says it would have worked for Adrienne Barbeau's character, but not for a man in his 80s.
Tom says one of the best things about the film is Frank Sinatra's response after he viewed it. He saw his fellow Rat Packers Dean and Sammy having the time of their lives and couldn't believe nobody called him to do one of those Cannonball things. However, after appearing in Cannonball Run II three years later he realized that he wanted to be in one of the films without actually experience making them. PFT compares the feeling to when you're really tired and just want to be home without making any effort to get there. Tom wishes he had a book with his name on the spine (call Keith Kincaid!), but he doesn't want to go through the awful process of writing one. Sinatra filmed a brief scene that required him to roll down his power windows, toss off a line, and drive off. PFT correctly assumes that Frank's mere presence was the entire joke of the scene. He was not playing a character named "Mike Reynolds", "Dana Jackson", or "Trip Whiting" that required any sort of backstory research. Tom wonders if Sinatra ever did backstory on any character in his filmography. PFT doubts he ever even heard the phrase.
PFT's contribution is one of his all-time favorite movie quotes from the thriller/chiller (it lacks any legit spills) The Silence of the Lambs (1991). Tom asks him if it's the oft-cited Chianti and fava beans line. PFT is disappointed in Tom at how disappointed in him Tom must be to even think that he would suggest that quote. He offers an overlooked quote that he feels is the perfect marriage of writing (Teddy Lally), direction (Johnathan Demme), and performance (Ted Levine). Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) is questioning Jame Gumb (Levine) about a missing girl who turned up dead. Gumb is stonewalling her, so she gives up and starts to leave. As Gumb is about to close his door, he politely says, "Oh, wait. Was she a great, big, fat girl?" PFT thinks the eccentric adjective trio yields one of the most amazing quotes in film history. Mike denies it, but Tom overrides him. ACCEPTED. PFT doesn't understand why Mike has to be such a TSotL sourpuss. Tom admits that Mike has not denied any quotes tonight. He left the studio 20 minutes ago.
PFT is performing tonight at CDR, where he'll share the stage with the flamingo-shaped guitar stylings of Rick Right, Cathy Ladman, Charles Fleischer, and a special set from Kathy & Mo. Jeff Garlin, who does an improvisational show called Jeff Garlin's Combo Platter, is not on the bill. Tom's not surprised that he named his comedy show after food, much like his feature film, I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With (aka Cheese With). PFT was returning from a trip to Vancouver the other day, and the guy ahead of him in the endless line had a swag bag he got as a gift for lifting equipment on the Rush tour. He reports that the beautiful leather bag was sullied by a faintly imprinted band name and the phrase Snakes & Arrows. Tom wonders if anyone is walking around L.A. wearing an I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With fleece hoodie. PFT thinks Garlin and Garlin's manager's assistant are the only people who wear the promotional garment in public. Tom's not sure why he's being so mean to Garlin because he likes him. PFT says that despite his likeability, nobody will see his film and start a buzz: "Hey, you see the new Jeff Garlin picture?!" Tom expects that he and Jillian Barberie will have to split up (after she liberally applies butter to her popcorn) to secure the last two seat at a Cheese With screening. They will reconvene later to discuss it over coffee.
Tom saw Garlin follow Kanyay West on Jimmy Kimmel Live! the other night. West sported a weird scarf and sunglasses -- half Sunset Boulevard, half Lawrence of Arabia -- and complained about EW's B- review of Graduation. Tom thinks it's awesome that West says exactly what's on his mind while looking right into the camera to directly address the haters. West informed the magazine that nobody cared what they thought -- he moved 957,000 units in one week. Tom salutes Kanyay West for being true to his crazy self. Garlin scoped out the interview and came out with sunglasses and and a scarf to lampoon West's wardrobe choices. He also wanted to know why West is so mad at everything. Tom reminds Garlin that he's on Cu, a show that revolves around every character complaining about everything all the time. While West was firing back at a negative review in a national publication, Garlin's program built a recent plot on Larry David nearly having a heart attack because he had to wait 8 seconds while a woman sampled ice cream. Uh oh. Here it comes. Tom throws Jeff Garlin into the Hate Pit. PFT can't believe he witnessed it live on the phone. Tom says he's like Chris Crocker -- if you cross Kanyay, you're going into the Hate Pit. Tom imagines that West would fully understand his Hate Pit policy and thank him for it. PFT speculates that Kanyay already has a Hate Pit wrangler on his payroll.
PFT recalls that Garlin pulled a stunt similar to John Candy following Nastassja Kinski on Letterman. Kinski was told it was a comedy show, so she came out with a tower of red hair and nonsensical non-responses. Letterman treated her like she was an insane idiot. Candy followed Kinski with his own moussed-up do to show her how to do a proper weird talk show turn and hurt her feelings in hilarious fashion. Tom calls PFT a joy and a gem. PFT promises to call again and signs off by expressing his love for Tom.
- Moose was on hold for 85 minutes, and he thinks PFT is a tough act to follow. Tom makes it even more difficult by GOMPing him. Tom doesn't like the name Moose. It's The Best Show, not an Archie Comic.
- Dave from Rochester calls to perform most of Ed Wood, Jr's 1959 sci-fi classic, Plan 9 from Outer Space. He starts with a love scene between airline pilot Jeff Trent (Gregory Walcott) and his wife, Paula (Mona McKinnon):
Paula: The saucers are up there, and the cemetery is out there, but I'll be locked up in there. Now, off to your wild blue yonders. You promise you'll lock the doors immediately?
Jeff: I promise. Besides, I'll be in a bed before a half hour's gone with your silver pillow beside me.
Paula: My silver pillow?
Jeff. Yes, the one you stole from the Andy Warhole museum in The Pitts. I have to have something to keep me company while your away.
Tom asks Dave to move to the dialogue in the next scene. Jeff is still talking about this pillow: "Sometimes in the night, when it does get a little lonely, I reach over and ... touch it. Then it doesn't seem so lonely anymore." Dave says he's reading from the "screenplay", so Tom asks him if he's Ed Wood biographer Rudolph Grey and GOMPs the weirdo. He condemns Dave for seeking out junk and hating trees. That thing in his hand used to be a nice tree. DENIED.
- Mike runs in another entry, and, surprisingly, it doesn't come from a German or Swedish production. He transitions to domestic fare with some lines from Billy Jack (1971):
Barbara (Julie Webb): What is the snake ceremony?
Jean (Delores Taylor): A ceremony where Billy becomes brother to a snake.
Barbara: How does he do that?
Jean: By going on the mountain and being bitten by the snake over and over.
ACCEPTED. Mike tries another Billy Jack-free Billy Jack exchange:
Cindy: I pray Billy kills him!
Jean: You musn't tell Billy, Cindy.
Cindy: Why not?
Jean: Because he will kill him.
Cindy: DAMN YOUR PACIFISM!
Mike goes three for three on the night. ACCEPTED.
- Olivia in Kensington, Brooklyn, asks Tom if Annie Hall (1977) is allowed. Tom says he'd be more likely to accept a Woody Allen quote from Scenes from a Mall (1991, directed by Paul Mazursky) or Small Time Crooks (2000). Olivia isn't prepared to quote from those films, so Tom agrees to hear her out on Annie Hall. She selects the scene where Duane (Christopher Walken), the oddball, suicidal brother of Annie Hall (Diane Keaton), confesses to Alvy Singer (Allen) that he often gets the urge to swerve his car into oncoming traffic. Woody decides it's time to leave Duane's lair: "Well, I have to go now, Duane, because I'm due back on the planet Earth." Olivia thinks it's a classic getaway line, and Tom
ACCEPTS it ... for now.
She says "aw shucks" to Tom's approval and tries her luck with something from Mike Leigh's Career Girls (1997), starring the late-great Katrin Cartlidge. Tom says that Mike enjoys Leigh's films, but he thinks the director can get a little too playful at times. Olivia isn't amused by this, noting that Leigh, one of her heroes, isn't playful at all. I guess she hasn't seen Vera Drake! In Career Girls, Hannah Mills (Cartlidge) asks her roommate-to-be if her face is afflicted with eczema. She says it's just dermatitis, and Hannah replies that the condition is preferable to "determinitis", which she suffers from. DENIED. Olivia is disappointed, and Tom thinks she should know that life is full of disappointments from watching Mike Leigh films. Tom compares Leigh's oeuvre to the 1970s television show Good Times. Olivia wants to know what unifies these seemingly disparate works. Tom says they both examine the plight of miserable, poor people. Olivia argues that Leigh's working-class characters are miserable, interesting people, unlike the people on Good Times, who are miserable ... She decides to halt her comment, and Tom suspects she was about to say something racist (the characters on Good Times are African-Americans). Olivia says she might think it, but she'd never say it out loud because she has self-control. Tom GOMPs her because that kind of restraint is sicker than saying it -- she lacks the conviction of her apparently slimeyness. Tom takes back his generosity and removes the Woody Allen quote from the list. Mike was bragging before the show about how he was the inspiration for David Thewlis's character in Mike Leigh's Naked. He plans to sue him.
(Olivia's racist comment was a misunderstanding that will be resolved in a future installment of The Best Show.)
- Swiss Miss (congrats!) calls from Spokane, WA, with her own entry and one from her boyfriend, Freddy. Tom asks her to identify the Pride of Spokane. Swiss names herself (not allowed) and then tries former Coach star Craig T. Nelson, Bing Crosby, and Todd McFarlane. All wrong. Tom reveals the correct answer: Bon Von Wheelie, the drummer for the rock group Girl Trouble. Swiss isn't sure if GT are from Spokane (vocalist/saxophonist Kurt P. Kendall is from Spokane -- the rest are from Tacoma), but she thinks the guys from Everclear hail from her fine city. Tom likes frontman Art Alexaglakis, who sadly bit it this past May when Travis Barker pushed him off Mt. Everest. Swiss loves him. (Not really.)
Tom is especially fond of their hit single "AM Radio" in which Alexaglakis recalls a 1970s childhood spent listening to tunes on the titular frequencies. While he enjoyed the funk, soul, and rock selections, he never cared for disco because he's a mutant. Since it's no longer 1978, Tom gives everyone permission to get past the seasons of their discontent with the music of the era's ubiquitous discotheques. Swiss agrees that 25 years is little too long to hold a musical grudge. Tom doubts that Alexaglakis could even gain admittance into a disco because of his girth and stupid mustache. Swiss believes that everyone hates disco, and she hates almost all of it. Tom recommends giving the genre another try with "Disco Duck", the 1976 novelty song by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots. Swiss is intrigued because she likes ducks. She is a fan of one disco song -- the laff-inducing 1978 Alicia Bridges classic "I Love The Nightlife (Disco 'Round)". Tom thinks it's a great song, and he'd much rather listen to disco than anything by Everclear. He thanks Alexaglakis for giving people the option to listen to his terrible music instead of disco. Tom gets a surprising IM from the Hate Pit. He previously asked the Hate Pit IT department to discontinue the Wi-Fi access, but Matthew Fluxblog managed to pick up a signal. He wants Tom to GOMP the disco-hatin' Swiss, but Tom refuses.
Swiss's quote is from the Louis CK cult comedy Pootie Tang (2001), and Freddy chose something from the John Woo action spectacular Broken Arrow (1996). In the former, Frank, an agent played by Dave Attell, begs Pootie Tang (Lance Crouther) to appear in advertisements for the evil LectorCorp. Pootie declines a very generous offer via his trademark jive: "Na nay-no." Frank is shocked: "Wa-da-tah! How can you say 'na nay-no' to 20 million?" Mike says sa da tay, but Tom says na nay-no. Tom quickly changes his mind: ACCEPTED. Swiss hands the phone off to Freddy aka Mr. Miss, who takes us to the climax of Broken Arrow . Captain Riley Hale (Christian Slater) tells Major Vic Deakins (John Travolta) that his mind has taken a walk off the map. Deak embraces his lack of sanity: "Yeah. Ain't it cool?" DENIED. Tom GOMPs Freddy because he just plucked that line from the trailer without ever seeing the entire film. He calls Freddy a creep, but he actually likes him.
- Deena from Greenpoint, Brooklyn, calls to offer a pun from her favorite mock rockumentary, This Is Spin̈al Tap. Tom loves puns, but he doubts one from this film will make the list. During the pre-tour cocktail party, a frustrated Morty the Mime (Billy Crystal) tells a fellow mime waiter that he needs to get moving because "mime is money." Tom apologizes to Deena because he can't put a Billy Crystal quote on the list in good faith. No food, no water, no turlet, and now this: DENIED.
- Hal 9000 calls to start a rally for Rambo: First Blood Part II with another Dick Crenna line. Trautman has a final bit of information for Marshall Murdock (Charles Napier): "And one more thing, what you choose to call hell, he calls home." Tom DENIES it, but he goes to the Intranet so he can add a First Blood quote to the list. While he searches on IMdB, Tom mentions that he bet someone that Paramount Pictures would promote Bee Movie by acquiring sites like imdbee.com. However, that particular URL leads to a "Paparazzi Filth" porn portal instead of the animated Seinfeld picture. Tom disapproves of the "Dolbee Digital" promos starring Barry B. Benson because they assume that everyone already loves an unknown character from a movie that comes out in five months. He notes a similar snafu in a trailer where the narrator pegged the forthcoming film as coming from the same guys who brought audiences Knocked Up and Superbad even though Superbad was still three weeks away from being brought. Tom finds the desired First Blood line where John Rambo laments his post-Vietnam employment opportunities: "Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment, back here I can't even hold a job PARKING CARS!"
- Ann from Providence calls with two Steve Zissou quotes from The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004):
1. "I've never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that." DENIED
2. "Those [blank] amateurs. You left your dog, you idiots! ACCEPTED.
- Tom prowls IMdBee for a quote from Mr. Brooks, one of his favorite films of 2007. The search turns up some insight from the film's conscience, Marshall (Bill Hurt): "For all the taxes we pay, you'd think they'd make it more difficult to hack into the police personnel file." In additional to being a classic narrative cop-out, Tom doubts that a police personnel file is as robust as the film suggests. He considers putting every Mr. Brooks quote he can find on the list.
- A mom calls to give a quote on behalf of her 12-year-old son, Nicholas. Youngster loves Forrest Gump: "I'm sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party." Tom responds to Nicholas with a rousing rendition of "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie. DENIED. This was Julie Klausner's favorite moment of the night.
- Dan from Puerto Rico calls to contribute a quote from Preston Sturges's The Palm Beach Story (1942). Tom stops him before he can recite a quote from John D. Hackensacker III (Rudy Vallee) because those films are old, boring, stupid, and poorly written.
- A caller ignores Tom's Coen Brothers ban to try a quote from the end of Fargo (1996) when Marge Gunderson (Fran McDormand) has the crazy guy (Andy Milonakis) in her police cruiser. Gunderson, struggling to comprehend the point of the criminal plots, asks him about the body part disposal she just witnessed: "And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper." The caller read the line with a supbar regional accent, but it didn't really matter. DENIED.
- A caller gives Tom something from Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, a funny movie for people who don't like funny movies. The hawkish General "Buck" Turgidson (George C. Scott) advises President Merkin Muffley (Peeedeee Sellars) to attack the Soviet Union with nuclear weaponry: "Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks." NEIN! Tom totally gets that Strangelove is a clever, Cold War satire, but he prefers humorous films. He's amused by stuff like Slim Pickens riding a nuke like a rodeo cowboy, but it's not that funny. Tom dares to say it's one of his favorite movies, but it's not one of the funniest. He announces that he hates satire.
- Jim from Jersey via Southie calls with a quote from
Good Will Hunting either Female Trouble (1974) or Desperate Living (1977). He's not sure where it came from, and Tom doesn't want to hear anything from the pornography of John Waters.
- Steve, The Prince of Brooklyn, calls with a couple of longshots:
1. Talladega Nights: The Ballad or Ricky Bobby (2006). Cal Naughton, Jr. (John C. Reilly) calls Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell) with a question about operating some of the components in his home entertainment system:
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky, if you turn on the stereo, how do you control the volume on the television?
Ricky Bobby: If you have the stereo on, why would you turn up the volume on the TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Cause I like to party.
Tom likes the quote, but it just misses. DENIED. It would be #101.
2. Easy Rider (1969).
Billy (Dennis Hopper) and Wyatt (Peter Fonda) have just befriended the lawyer George Hanson (Jack Nicholson) prior to leaving for New Orleans. They ask Hanson if he has a motorcycle helmet, and he says, "Oh, I GOT a helmet!". ACCEPTED.
- Bonnie from
Upside Down On Purpose returns to bring the Topsy-Turvy topic Full Circle. She mentions that band leader Wes apparently changed the name on the fly -- she first heard it when they were introduced at tonight's prayer rally. Bonnie believes she may not have full decision-making privileges because she's just the tambourine player. Despite playing live shows, On Purpose lacks any kind of online presence. Bonnie says everyone has been too lazy to spend 80 minutes setting up a Myspace page. I'd recommend that Bonnie and her bandmates read Rupert Threadwell's 45-page "mega-pamphlet" How To Make It Big In The Rock Music Scene By Somebody Who Already Has. He has some great tips on how to get a very good Myspace page for as little as $6,000. Bonnie says it often takes her 90 minutes just to review her Myspace messages and comments. Tom suspects Bonnie's using a 14.4 baud modem, but she connects via DSL. Bonnie does an unflattering impression of her bandmates suggesting quotes from Forrest Gump, and Tom warns her that it's not that hard to replace the tambourine player.
Bonnie replaces the dimwits' Gumpisms with three of her own. The first one is an exchange between Johnny (Russell Streiner) and Barbara (Judith O'Dea) in Night of The Living Dead (1968):
Johnny: [in a creepy voice] They're coming to get you, Barbara!
Barbara: Stop it! You're ignorant!
Johnny: They're coming for you, Barbara!
Barbara: Stop it! You're acting like a child!
Tom DENIES it because he's not putting any horror on the list. He wants kids to be able to peruse the list without getting scared. Bonnie switches from zombies to The Royal Tenenbaums (2001). Richie Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson) tells his brother, Chas (Ben Stiller), about the odd chronology of his suicide note:
Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
Chas: You did?
Richie: Yeah, right after I regained consciousness.
Tom DENIES this one because it's too depressing. Bonnie makes a final attempt with an equally depressing fraternal quote from Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather Part II (1974): "I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" DENIED. Based on these choices, Tom wonders if Werner Herzog is driving their bus and recommends Strotesick. He thinks the film would become the party sensation of the year in Georgia.
- Breezy in Salt Lake City tries to contribute a quote from Brian Kuh in The King of Kong, but Tom censors it because it is pornographic filth (sorta).
oravid fulfills Tom's request for the Mr. Brooks quote where Earl Brooks (Kevin Costner) realizes that his daughter, Jane (Danielle Panabaker), has inherited the dreaded murder gene: "Oh, God. Oh, God. I was afraid of this since before she was born. She has... she has what I have."
- Mike the Unstoppable Quote Machine goes 4-for-4 with a line from Midnight Cowboy (1969). 'Ratso' Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman) falls down the stairs, and Shirley (Brenda Vaccaro) lets him know it: "Hey, fella. You fell." ACCEPTED.
Mrs. Kaprov (Hana Maria Pravda): "What is it?"
Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson): "Teeth."
-- Death Wish 3 (1985)
Kathryn Davis (Deborah Raffin): I hope you like chicken. It's the only thing I know how to make.
Paul Kersey (Bronson): Chicken's good. I like chicken.
-- Death Wish 3
A trio from Wes via Laurie:
1. "I don't enjoy killing, Mr. Smith. I do it because I'm addicted to it." -- Earl Brooks, Mr. Brooks
2. "That teaches him to mess with a man and his mannequin." -- Jonathan Switcher (Andrew McCarthy), Mannequin (1987)
3. "You don't understand! I've got to see ABBA!" -- ABBA: The Movie (1977)
"How'd you like a kick right in the taco, Buster?" -- Ed Tuttle (Howard Hesseman), Rubin and Ed (1991)
"I have a lot of love to give. I just don't know where to put it." -- Quiz Kid Donny Smith (Billy Macy), Magnolia (1999)
"I really don't like our dog." -- George Newton (Charles Grodin), Beethoven (1992)
"It might help to beef up security around the whopper." -- Dr. John McKittrick (Dabney Coleman), WarGames (1983)
"Oh, Jesus, pigs!" -- Vincent J. Ricardo (Peter Falk), The In-Laws
"What one man can do, another can do." -- Charles Morse (Anthony Hopkins), The Edge (1997)
"Suit me up, Uncle Alfred." -- Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), Batman and Robin (1997)
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: No show tonight, so you can watch the television premiere we've all been waiting for: Cavemen. 8 p.m. ABC. Congrats to Matthew Tompkins for bringing this socially-conscious comedic vision to the small screen!
Three for the road:
Crystal Castles: "Normally I'd describe a game like that as 'gay', but it's a kick-ass game." (Note: Henry Owings wears that same glove when playing Whirlyball.)
Dojolaffs: Cobra Kai never dies
Falken's Labyrinth: "Herr Kartoffelkopf. Herr Kartoffelkopf! Hinterturen sind keine Geheimnisse!"