"Whaddya think it's Road Warrior up here? We got nothin'? I gotta drive 14 hours down there to get some food?" -- Tom, declining to travel to Roswell, GA, for a vegan feast and Whirlyball match
"Protective goggles? You're throwing a Wiffle ball around, you're worried about losin' an eye? Really?" -- Tom, questioning the necessity of Henry Owings's protective Whirlyball gear
"I'd put Ringo Starr. His recorded output in that era. Little more tuneful." -- Tom, offering a replacement for The Jesus Lizard as Best Band on Earth circa 1989-1993
"It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit." -- Michael K. from The Cynics, revealing his less-than-inviting tourism slogan for "The PItts"
"How 'bout some craftmanship, guys! You write a song, you maybe take a page out of somebody like a Gilbert O'Sullivan. Guy writes a nice song." -- Tom, aborting an Unfair Record Review of The Jesus Lizard's Liar due to nauseating songsmithing
"If that's the effect of Bigelow Tea, I'm going to buy a hot cup of Joe. No wonder the Yankees are having such a hard time this year -- this guy's falling asleep in the dugout." -- Tom on Joe Torre's unintentional advertisement for the coffee industry
"If there's any justice, that guy would've gotten his hands crushed on the Ford assembly plant." -- Tom, wishing for a poetic end to Ted Nugent's musical and hunting career
Two for Tuesday!: "Nice job, Super Dave Osbourne. I don't know if that was him or something from Madame Tussaud's." / "I thought Tales from the Crypt was on. I was like, why are they are going to a party at The Cryptkeeper's house?" -- Tom on the waxy, decaying visage of Marty Funkhauser in the Curb premiere
"If you're Mr. Nature, you don't shoot things in nature." -- Tom, questioning the legitimacy of Ted Nugent's love of the outdoors
"You know what? If Michael Anthony is selling a barbecue sauce, I gotta come up with some kind of food or drink to start selling." -- Tom, getting the inspiration to concoct his Motormouth Energy Drink®
"She's as gentle as can be, but she's got bloodlust. She loves the taste of human blood. I trained her to enjoy the taste of human blood. And human flesh." -- Tom on turning Dogmo into a vampire
"You know what's the most surprising thing about that? Al Goldstein actually can afford to own a hat at this point." -- Tom on the biggest shock of the beleaguered smut peddler's hat toss into the 2008 Presidential ring
"Stone, it's Horse. What up, bro? Dude, you're never gonna believe this. You remember that MILF that was in here two days ago looking to get her husband's computer fixed? I totally got with her in the back room just now. Oh my God, it was great. She came to pick up the computer, and I was doin' reps, of course. She must've been turned on by my glistening delts or something -- and I don't blame her. But, the best part is not only did I get some of the sweet stuff, but I also ripped her off for like $800 bucks. I didn't even fix her husbands computer. I just used some of that Goof-Off®, that liquid stuff, to get some of the stains off of it. I'll send you some of the .jpgs of our session ... um ... later on tonight, OK? Alright bro, I'll see ya tomorrow. It was one for the books." -- Horse!, leaving a message for a co-worker on live radio
"I mean, they'll still learn other stuff like reading and rithmotic. And write-ing." -- Horse on the flexibility of his proposal to require 40 hours/week of physical fitness for Newbridge schoolchildren
"You what else I think they'll love? When you get tried and executed for crimes against Newbridge." -- Horse, looking to garner support for a key component of his Repspublican Party platform: killing Tom Scharpling
"Let me go get the calipers out on some of these people calling her fat. Let's go do some body mass tests on these people." -- Tom, looking to quantify the flab of Britney's critics
"We're in the kingdom of the Crystal Skull! GIVE ME BACK MY CRYSTAL SKULL!" -- Tom, revealing Harrison Ford's clenched-mouth catchphrase from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Skeletor's Havoc Staff
Witchcraft - "If Crimson Was Your Colour"
( Click here to pre-order The Alchemist)
Black Francis - "Captain Pasty"
( Click here to buy Bluefinger)
Georgie James - "Only 'Cause You're Young"
( Click here to buy Places)
Barbara Manning - "Something You've Got (Isn't Good)"
( Click here to buy Super Scissors)
Rogue Wave - "Like I Needed"
( Click here to buy Asleep At Heaven's Gate)
Jay Reatard - "Wounded"
( Click here to visit the Jay Reatard weblog)
The Coathangers - "Parking Lot"
( Click here to buy The Coathangers)
The Move - "Do Ya"
( Click here to buy Message from the Country)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
The great Gale Gordon gives some important advice to a young Mike the Associate Producer
Tom finished off his opening music set with the delightful non-LP ABBA medley "Pick A Bale Of Cotton" / "On Top of Old Smokey" / "Midnight Special", and the box from whence it came makes him chuckle during their usual top-of-the-show chit-chat. Tom praises the ABBA box (his Calgon -- so soft, yet so strong) for looking particularly attractive in a fuzzy, sky-blue outfit. He also makes it clear that nothing can get between him and his ABBA box. Not the callers, and not even Mike the Associate Producer, the newly-inducted Hall of Famer with the special call-screening skills. Two people have decided to tempt fate and roll the dice with a pre-topic appearance. Mike's gut feeling is that they may be able to navigate the dangerous terrain and run the gauntlet.
Mike was bragging to Tom about his recent encounter with the son of Gale Gordon, the old-timey radio legend and character actor most known for his work as antagonistic bank president Teddy J. Mooney on the The Lucy Show. Gale Gordon, Jr. regaled Mike with all kinds of stories about his father's legendary career. Tom was upset because Mike knew he was a big GG fan, but he failed to alert Tom to the location of the GGJr meet-up (Iron Monkey?). The bottom line: Mike hogged Gale Gordon's son all to himself. Tom mentions the odd set-up for The Lucy Show, which was Lucille Ball's follow-up to I Love Lucy. Ricky Ricardo passed on, so Lucy was the beneficiary of a large trust fund he had established. However, Mooney asserted his power as a trustee to essentially take control of her inheritance, rejecting her attempts to extract money and granting her an "allowance." Tom thinks the patriarchal comedic premise is an example of a sick, sad world stuck in a paradigm of gender power dynamics straight outta the 1800s.
- Henry from the Chunklet pamphlet thing calls from Georgia amidst the din of barking dogs. Tom asks him if he's calling from a local animal shelter. Henry asks Tom if he can believe that he's dogsitting this week for a neighbor's cute-but-dumb pet. Tom thinks Henry fabricated this wild tale to generate some additional on-air excitement. Henry says it's a true story. While his canine care claims checked out, I had an audio guru named Heinrich review a tape of the call inside his sound igloo, which is now equipped with some sort of sound enhancement device he found last summer in an alley behind the Newbridge Courthouse. The analysis was highly disturbing. The tape does reveal the sounds of Henry's neighbor's dog (Mr. Wiggles) and his dog Bun E. Carlos carrying on in the background, but Heinrich matched the sounds of a whimpering male voice to the drummer Bun E. Carlos using this interview footage as comparison audio. Heinrich told me that several "echo frequency oscillations" suggested that the human Bun E. Carlos was being held hostage in some sort of pit or underground lair.
I expressed disbelief at this outlandish captivity, but my guess is that this was the only way Henry could get BEC to lay down the drum trucks for the Saint Vitus tribute album that will be packaged with Chunklet #20 (I'm really looking forward to Andrew Earles's Death Angel retrospective). I can picture him donning his Santa garb, guzzling Kernvoisier, and gnawing on primo 'que while barking frustrated directives about really nailing the gallop of "White Stallions". The backing band will reportedly be rounded out with Matt Sweeney on bass and Boris's Wata on guitar. The eclectic lineup of guest vocalists for the project include Eric Wareheim, High on Fire's Matt Pike, Shonali Bhowmik, and Ben Bridwell from Band of Horses. Heinrich also detected the faint strains of "Home at Last" from a gold disc of Steely Dan's Aja on the call. Who knew Henry was a Dan fan?!
Tom puts Henry on the clock. Henry says he's been reluctant to call the last few weeks because Tom seemed a bit on edge, but he still wants to provide a wrap-up of the hotly-anticipated 8/8/07 Team Chunklet vs. Team Pharmacists Whirlyball match. Henry tells Tom that Ted will need his help. Alas, Team Chunklet remains undefeated. The buzzer sounds, and Tom resets the clock so he can hear another 30 seconds of Whirlyball talk. Henry is thrilled with the time extension and promptly starts his usual steamrolling routine, apparently unaware that he was having a live radio conversation instead of delivering a monologue. In the past, Tom tried to remain calm during these installments of The Henry Owings Interruption, but not tonight. The Kid reached the breaking point. He screams at Henry for talking over him. Henry seems a bit taken aback by the sheer force of Tom's admonition, and he apologizes for his rudeness. Tom describes Whirlyball as a bumper cars and basketball hybrid, which is mostly correct, although Henry points out that a Wiffle® ball is flung with a scoop towards a 10-foot-high target (essentially a backboard sans hoop). The bumper cars -- aka "Whirlybugs" -- achieve locomotion via the floor's alternating conducting plates instead of the usual overhead grid. The cars are steered by a crank handle that allows players to move sideways and backwards.
Tom suspects the game's inventor was bored and simply combined whatever he had in his garage into a makeshift sport. Henry says that since Whirlyball is based in the sprawl of suburban Atlanta, the thought process of its creator is anyone's guess. The first Whirlyball game was actually played during the 1963 BC Powder / Commodore Tatnall's Pecan Chews / Skoal Cinnamon Apple Pouches Ode to Dixie Fall Fun Fair in Cumming, GA. The nascent game had players bobbing for chicken biscuits in a vat of gravy and then slingshooting them into peach baskets affixed to a Confederate flagpole. The game was canceled after four minutes because three players were knocked unconscious by errant pumpkins from the adjacent -- and subsequently banned -- "Gourd Catapult" in the children's area.
Tom puts Team Chocolate's latest triumph in proper perspective, pointing out that Henry lives four blocks from one of the two Whirlyball rinks in the country. He's not surprised to find out that a guy from New Jersey, who was making his debut, lost to a collection of seasoned veterans. Henry corrects Tom on some factual errors. He claims there are about 50 rinks peppered across the U.S., and he lives about 30 miles from one of them. Henry mentions that Ted now lives in Rhode Island, but Tom's point was that he had no access to Whirlyball when growing up in Bloomfield. Henry says he also didn't play Whirlyball as a child -- he's been playing off and on for the past three years. He says he generously granted Ted and his bandmates an entire evening of Whirlyball practice since they were newbies. Tom wonders what would happen if Ted handed Henry a guitar and gave him four hours to prepare a set for a Battle of the Bands. Henry would obviously lose because Ted would play the hott tunes from his catalogue. Henry's butchered Laughing Hyenas, late-period Black Flag, and Van Halen covers simply wouldn't cut it.
However, Henry is unphased by his lack of musical talent, declaring, "It's on!" In addition to competing with Ted Leo in a musical showdown, he's also ready for a Tomball clinic so he can play in late October when he's in NYC for a two-night stand of the CoC tour. In a previous Henry call, Tom revealed the basic guidelines for Tomball: Henry stands at the bottom of a building while Tom bombards him with bowling balls. Henry's role as the defender is to avoid getting smashed and throw the bowling ball back up at Tom. Henry says he's really been working out (sit-ups, rock-wall climbing, etc.) so he'll be able launch bowling balls up a 35-story building. Tom is ready to finally play the game he invented. Henry wants to know if Tom is also ready to hear the final score of the Whirlyball match. At this point, Tom puts Ted Leo on the air to give his side of the story. Ted opens with a Spike-y "Heeelllooo, Henry," and Henry counters by calling Ted a loser. Ted proceeds to outline the devious, five-part cheating initiative perpetrated by Team Crunchberry. (Note: All of these indictments were echoed in a blistering lidblower that appeared last week in the Roswell Neighbor Journal Constitution Times. Corked scoops? For shame.)
For starters, Ted was surprised to discover that "Whirlyball Atlanta" is actually located an hour outside of Atlanta in the northern suburb of Roswell. Ted compares the false advertising to referring to UC-Irvine as UCLA. He says the pre-Whirlyball battle with Atlanta traffic was "frustrating as heck." Tom asks Ted to watch his language. Henry disputes the claim that the location of the venue constitutes an act of cheating. Ted thinks Henry could have at least provided accurate logistical information about the show. Henry tellsTed to blame his booking agent for the confusion. Ted will address the issue with him.
The cheating continued when Ted + Rx's van pulled into the strip mall parking lot. They immediately noticed a shirt-and-tie-clad guy blasting Slayer inside a Volkswagen Jetta . Ted was amused by the incongruent union of image and sound, and the thrash-loving office worker pulled in right behind them. Henry was lying in wait and advised them to hold off unloading until he had a chance to give them a brief tour of the facilities. Team Pharmacists looked around for five minutes and returned to discover that the Jetta exploded and burst into flames dangerously close to their van and gear. Tom thinks that's embarrassing. Henry says he'll take any advantage he can get. Ted was able to move the van to safety, but he was still a bit rattled by the potential disaster of a car engulfed in flames like a stunt in a Steven Seagal movie. While Ted thinks this incident would throw anyone's game off, Henry argues that the end result could be seen as a good omen. Ted thinks it was a bit too convenient that the pyrotechnics occurred at the exact moment Henry quickly ushered them inside. Henry doesn't dispute that assessment.
The third phase of the cheating involved a pre-game meal consisting of a large spread of vegan barbecue procured by Henry. Ted says it was fantastic food, but he noticed that Henry and his cronies were not partaking of the heavy grub. Ted thinks a snack consisting of some fruit, nuts, or a protein shake would have been more appropriate for impending athletic activity. After a bunch of warm-up games, Ted was having fun and thought his team was doing pretty well for having never played before. Henry confirms that they were very good Whirlyballers. Ted called for the official game to begin, but Henry said they had to wait for the arrival of another Team Chunklet member. Let's face it: Henry was scared. I observed his frantic phone call to beg for backup. He was pacing the barren stretch of hallway outside the venue, trembling and barely able to dial the number. "Theo Leo is pretty good," he said, his voice dripping with the fear of an unbeaten streak about to end.
Henry says the game played in lieu of the official game was 22-4. Ted recalls it being 14-8. Ted says Team Pharmacists came to play, not wait around for a stray Chunkleteer to (literally) suit up. Tom thinks this sounds like a forfeit. Ted wishes he called them on that during the eight additional practice games that occurred in the interim. It's clear the first battle was mired in controversy, and Henry wants a rematch with Tom playing for Team Pharmacists. Tom refuses to travel to Georgia to play Whirlyball. Henry promises to load him down with tempeh-based vegan food. (It was unclear if this was a promise to cheat or just a culinary incentive to convince Tom to play.) Tom tells Henry that there is plenty of food in the New Jersey. He's not living in a desolate The Road Warrior landscape. Tom will not travel 14 hours to eat. Ted points out that it will only take 13 since Whirlyball Atlanta is not in Atlanta.
Tom gets an IM informing him that Henry wore a special glove to get a better grip on his scoop. Henry justifies the accessory as his attempt to take the game seriously. Henry admits to wearing the traditional Team Chunklet black jumpsuit (not all that intimidating, per Ted) and protective goggles. He denies wearing a special glove. (I saw it.) Tom thinks protective goggles are unnecessary since a Wiffle® ball is unlikely to take out an eye. Ted defends the eyewear because the Wiffle® ball does travel at significant speeds when hurled from the scoops. Tom asks Ted what kind of goggles he wore. Ted says he wasn't told he would need them and none were provided. Henry says he was wearing prescription goggles, and he agrees with Tom that they could accurately be called "prescription Whirlyball goggles." He wears the same goggles he wears when playing racquetball. Tom can understand Team Chunklet's victory considering all of the custom gear they used. Henry prefers to attribute their performance to an "iron will." Tom renews his request for a Battle of the Bands, and he prohibits Henry from playing any The Jesus Lizard songs. Henry points out that TC member Brian Teasley has a high threshold for pain and plays drums. Tom counters by saying that he's not a very good drummer.
Ted mentions the final bit of TC tomfoolery: the official match was played after TP played a blistering set of rock music. Henry was finally ready to play once they were dripping with sweat and gasping for air. Henry dismisses the charge as "nonsense", saying that Ted was on a natural high that could only enhance his play. Tom now fully realizes why all these bands lose. Ted also got sick of hearing all of the chirping about how The Arcade Fire did better than they did. Tom says Ted Leo put out a better album in 2007 than The Arcade Fire -- he defeated them when it came to laying down cuts in the studio. Tom says he'd prefer to get hit in the ear with the Wiffle® ball so he was unable to hear the Arcade Fire album. Henry and Ted go silent. Tom says he's talking just for himself on this one. He describes the band as a Canadian Dream Academy, and he doesn't like it. Ted is ready for a rematch, but Tom says he'll only participate if he can charter a private plane to make the round trip in the same day. He's in luck. Ted convinced Touch & Go to include the use of a private plane in
his contract for the follow-up to Living with the Living. Tom zings Ted by saying he'll be ready to hop on board in 2011. Tom will zing anyone. Ted. Henry. Teasley, a former member of Up With People, the musical collective that wore sneakers and killed themselves. Tom mentions that they sang songs that sounded like Pepsi commercials, and Ted thinks he may be referring to G. Love & Special Sauce. Tom asks Henry if TC has defeated GL&SS. Henry says he's still waiting to hear back from their tour manager to set up a match.
Ted and Henry say it's not over, but Tom calls it over. Henry calls that "horse hockey" and tries to hang up. However, Tom's not done with him. He read a recent Chunklet blog post in which H20 claimed that Foogayzee and The Jesus Lizard were the two best bands in the world from 1989-1993. Tom vigorously disputes the inclusion of The Jesus Lizard, and Henry is surprised that he's not on his side. Tom suspects that Henry frequented record stores that only sold Foogayzee and The Jesus Lizard records during that time. Ted gives Henry some support, citing The Jesus Lizard's Goat as one of that period's best releases. Tom takes umbrage with that. Henry asks Tom for some alternate suggestions, and Tom says he would list ... anyone. He'd go as far as Ringo Starr's slightly more tuneful recorded output during that period. Henry would accept the Tom-reunited Big Dipper. Tom's sick of this conversation. He hangs up on Henry and Ted.
Tom saw those The Jesus Lizard shows, but he can't name two of their songs. He recalls one that went "go go go go go go gonk" followed by David Yow's screams. He also remembers one that went "go ga goo ga goo goo ga ga ga" followed by David Yow's screams. Jesus Lizard. Tom says the best thing the band ever did was record the other half of their 1993 split single with Nirvana. He thanks the band for filling it out so he could turn a profit by selling a few copies after it went OOP.
The first Pittsburgh band to invade and conquer ... Europe!
Pittsburgh Boy Roy Michael K. from second-wave garage rock legends The Cynics calls to discuss the assorted Pittsburgh atrocities that await tourists. He says he doing better than he looks, but not as good as Tom looks. Due to his crazy rock 'n roll schedule, Michael is often forced to catch up with The Best Show via the podcasts instead of experiencing the actual live sensation of the program. He noticed that his fair city came up when Tom discussed his visit to the Andy Warhole musuem. While Michael isn't a native Pittsburgher, he's lived there since his childhood because his parents moved there. He wants to weigh in with a few comments on what he calls "The Pitts." Whenever anyone in any part of the world asks him about it, he always says that it's a nice place to live, but you would not want to visit.
Michael says it's almost a great place to reside because of its low cost-of-living. He doesn't reveal his mortgage because he suspects it will make Tom cry. Michael says there are a lot of very nice people and a pretty good variety of ethnic foods, leaning heavily towards Eastern European cuisines. The city lacks anything exotic like Mexican food. Tom assures him that the Mexican restaurants are en route to Pittsburgh. Michael is disappointed that not a single Mexican has migrated to the city because he's having trouble getting anyone to cut his lawn. Tom's alarmed at the lapse into Carlos Mencia-grade ethnic humor, and Michael hopes he's not that bad yet. Michael says he loves the Mexicans and cites Mexico City as one of The Cynics' favorite places to play.
He's always highlighted two main attractions in Pittsburgh: the Andy Warhole museum and the Pittsburgh International Airport when you leave. Michael says that everyone always picks the "Silver Floating Pillows" as their favorite Warhole exhibit, but he points out that anyone could go to a card shop or hospital lobby to get one that at least had a phrase like "Smell ya later, Grandma!" on it. Tom says the whole point is that they claim those are the only silver pillows on Earth, but he doesn't believe it. Michael's favorite exhibit is the glass case featuring Warhole's extensive wig collection. He also enjoys all of his personal postcards and memorabilia, much of which the museum stores in a warehouse. He wishes they would display more of his personal trash instead of a pile of Brillo® boxes. Tom heard that the museum is planning a special exhibit where they will put some of Super Dave Osbourne's wigs on display. Michael is a wig-wearer, so he might buy a Super Dave Osbourne or a David Lee Roth model. Tom has no comment on the proposed purchase because he's laughing about the thought of an exhibition of Super Dave Osbourne's hair pieces.
Michael confirms that the shore trash museum attire is very much Pittsburgh. Tom thought they were under-dressed for the beach, but Michael says that passes for church attire in the city. Michael says everyone talks like Philly Boy Roy in Pittsburgh, but he still can't really do the accent. He gives it a try, but
it's less accurate than the rendition he's been doing for the past five minutes. Tom says he can detect a little Pittsburgh accent in his regular voice, and he appreciates the regional flavor. He thinks the unique pockets of America are becoming increasingly homogenized. Michael wanted to address a comment made last week by Erika from Baltimore about how Pittsburghers apply French fries as a topping for other foods. While Tom seemed incredulous at the time, Michael assures him that this is how it's done up there. Michael says a newspaper called The New York Times will often do feature stories on Pittsburgh in which they urge readers to eat at Primanti Bros., a famous local sandwich shop chain. The original location in the Strip District is right around the corner from Michael's house. He says the food is completely marred by excess -- they pile on way too much of the primary grilled meat, top it with a whole serving of cole slaw, and then a whole serving of French fries, and then a whole serving of condiments. Despite a notoriously large mouth, Michael says he can't get it around the resulting monstrosity. He doesn't think the terrible mess could be eaten with a utensil.
Tom concludes that Michael is giving listeners a peek inside the real Pittsburgh, but Michael says he hasn't even mentioned the positive aspects of the city. Tom wonders if he's doing a segment called "The Pittsburgh Hour". Michael apologizes for his extended travelogue, and Tom wants to hear two good things about Pittsburgh. Tom previously poo-pooed the idea of a Pittsburgh Whole Foods, and Michael says they do have one. He says he's reticent to go there due to the parking situation, although he does like to get their tasty salmon corn chowder. The east Pittsburgh location is so crowded that they offer valet parking. Michael says it's probably not worth it to pay someone to park your car and then traverse through the throngs of customers to get a bowl of soup. Tom also poo-pooed the idea of a Pittsburgh Trader Joe's, and Michael says they have one of those as well. He says he's reticent to go there because it's equally packed and they make customers check themselves out. He likes to drop by the store for some milk and bread and get out, not do his own price checks and bag his own stuff. Tom says he can't wait to get back to Pittsburgh. He thinks the terrible, unhealthy food is a dream come true, and he's apparently already seen the only thing the city has to offer. Tom never saw the airport because he hitchhiked to the Warhole museum, possibly on the back of a motorcycle driven by a Jane Fonda lookalike. Michael hopes Tom enjoyed his trip.
He mentions that The Cynics will perform live on the The Cherry Blossom Clinic w/ DJ Terre T on Saturday, October 6th. Later that night they will take part in a killer bill at Ashbury Lanes: The Cynics, Southside Johnny (rare solo harmonica set), Dr. Zoom & the Sonic Boom, and Steel Mill. Michael thanks Tom for letting him on the air for so long. He thinks Tom is the best and ends the call by saying, "You know I love you, sweetie." Tom bid him farewell with "You have a good night, honey." He then asks Mike to grab any three Jesus Lizard compact discs.
- While Tom waits for the Chicago noise rock, he talks about hearing the worst radio commercial of all-time on WFAN. He asks listeners to try to swipe the audio of lethargic Yankees manager Joe Torre serving as the ill-advised spokesman for
href="http://www.bigelowteablog.com/2007/06/25/green-tea-and-joe-torre/">Bigelow Tea. The infomercial-like spot features a typically low-energy Torre explaining how his doctor made him switch from coffee to tea. He selected the Bigelow brand because it's a family-owned business. Tom says his lack of
enthusiasm suggests Torre was just wondering how long it would be before he could stop talking about Bigelow Tea. He doesn't think anyone employed by the New York Yankees is really too concerned about supporting tiny Mom-and-Pop shops. Tom assumes that he was less concerned about family businesses when he was shilling for multi-national corporations over the past 10 years. I still have nightmares about Torre's television commercials for Kern's Peniscillin, especially the one where he was frolicking in the wet outfield grass with Bernie Williams and Morganna, the Kissing Bandit. Torre severed all ties with Kern after he was stricken with "night prowls" during the 12th inning of Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. Tom receives a link to what may be the audio, but he refuses to play it because it was taken from the Steve Somers radio program. As much as he loves the radio Hall of Famer, The Kid isn't gonna give any of his airtime to Captain Midnight". In the ad, Torre says he favors the regular green tea, but he mentions that Bigelow also offers green tea infused with mint and peach. Perhaps he should use it to make some fruity, minty iced tea and splash it on his face. Note to the Bigelow Tea ad wizards: Less Joe Torre, more Lou Pinella. Tom thinks the Torre campaign may actually be working against the company, serving as unintentional advertising for the pep provided by a hot cup of Joe. He pins the early-season woes of the Yankees on Torre constantly dozing off in the dugout halfway through games. The FOT ultimately flopped on Tom's audio request despite having no trouble stealing the new Kanyay West album eight months in advance of its official release.
1. "Boilermaker" -- After 16 seconds, Tom says, "Next."
2. "Gladiator" -- After eight seconds, Tom says, "Nope.
3. "The Art of Self-Defense" -- Tom the opposite of likes the first seven
seconds, fast forwards to some vocals, and quickly moves on.
4. Slave Ship
5. "Puss" - Tom's cash cow only lasts 10 seconds!
6. "Whirl" - Tom gets a dose of that oooold Jesus Lizard bass line
he likes, but he can only stomach 19 seconds of what AMG
calls the "the constant rhythmic pummel of David Sims and Mac McNeilly."
7. Rope 8. Perk 9. Zachariah 10. Dancing Naked Ladies
Tom's had enough, and he concludes that Henry Owings is wrong about The Jesus Lizard. He thinks the band was terrible, distracting people from their lack of songwriting skills by jumping around the stage like goofballs. Tom recommends taking a page out of the Gilbert O'Sullivan songbook and bringing more craftmanship to their music. I'm sure they will heed this advice for the new "songs" they will unveil when they reunite to play the Touch & Go 35th Anniversary Party. Henry can introduce them and then induct them into the Shake-It Records "Rawk n' Roll" Hall of Fame. Tom is ready to navigate the bus back on route after a detour into the Henry vs. Ted Whirlyball fight and a Pittsburgh primer by Freddy from The Cynics.
- Jason from Brooklyn makes his debut call, so he's a bit nervous about jumping into the pre-toipc fire. Tom tells him to relax by taking a deep breath. Jason says he'll do it, but then he goes right into his necdote. Tom wants him to take the deep breath right now so he can pull this off. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. Jason says he's friends with Matt Maher, who played Dwayne in five episodes of John from Cincinnati. Tom can't recall the character, so Jason tells him that Maher is strange-looking and balding. The visual description doesn't seem to ring any bells, but Tom eventually remembers that Dwayne was the harelipped geek who ran the Yost family website from his work station at Jerri's Imperial Beach cafe. Jason says that Maher describe his time on the show as like having an acting career within a job. The actor said that Milch & Co. made up the show when they went along, so he'd find out if he was in any scenes each morning. If they liked what he did, he'd get called back for more. Jason didn't see the show during it's HBO run, and he doubts he'll visit it on DVD. Tom imagines that Maher had a fun time sitting around all day shooting the s hit with Luis Guzman.
Tom gives Jason the Best Caller of the Night Award, trumping not one but two rock 'n roll stars who preceded him. The rookie stepped up to the plate and hit a solid double. Tom hopes he can build off this positive experience and continue to hit for extra bases in future calls. Jason says he's looking forward to the rest of the show, and Tom says he's looking forward to doing the rest of the show. Tom tells him to have a great week, and Jason wishes Tom the same. Tom wants Jason to enjoy the rest of eptember, and Jason hopes the rest of Tom's existence is nothing but pleasurable. Tom hopes that Earth is great for everyone from now on. Jason is with him on that.
Tom compares Mike's omniscience in screening calls to the cryptic prophecies of John Monad, but he can't recite anything from the character's canister of odd quips and snaps. Tom warshed the show's lingo from his head. He also deleted the final two JfC episodes from his DVR after he saw Rebecca De Mornay throwing a temper tantrum. While he was able to play the string out on Studio 60, he lost a certain zest for the surf noir after its cancellation. Tom plans to stick with Cavemen when ABC is burning off episodes at 4 a.m.
The Mike Douglas Show Law #1: Respect must be paid to The Nuge
- Tom proposes a topic that was inspired by the antics of an awesome guy named Ted Nugent. During a recent concert The Nuge unleashed some harsh criticisms of Democratic Presidubernatorial candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton while hoisting a machine gun into the air. The conservative axeman and avid hunter appeared to be implying that he would shoot them. Tom points out that the 72-year-old Nugent obviously earned the right to express his strong views from the stage because he ably served his beloved country in Vietnam. Tom correct himself -- The Proud Patriot actually dodged the draft via elaborate shenanigans that included sitting in his own waste for a month so he would flunk his physical. One can only imagine the horrors of loincloth. Considering Nugent's advanced age, I hope he finally switched to a more insulated undergarment.
When it was his turn to step up to the plate, Nugent failed to answer the call of duty. Tom points out that since Nugent's now an old man, he loves the idea of everyone taking up arms to fight on his behalf. He thinks Nugent should spend less time hunting for his meat and more time focusing on writing his first good song since he put out semi-passable junk like "Cat Scratch Fever" in the early 1970s. Tom also doesn't buy Nugent's claims that he plays "soul music" because being a fan of it and hailing from Detroit, where actual R&B music was recorded, is different than being a legit participant in the genre. He believes that if there was any justice in the world, Nugent's hands would have been crushed on the assembly line at the Ford plant. Ted Nugent. Tom also sees an inconsistency between Nugent's staunch anti-drug stance and his past guitar work on the psychedelic drug songs of The Amboy Dukes. All of this leads to tonight's topic: Poetic Justice. Tom wants listeners to serve it up. Who deserves it? How should they get it? For example, Tom thinks it would be poetic justice if Ted Nugent's plane got re-routed to the Middle East, forcing the pro-war blowhard to fend for himself, presumably with a bow and aroow, in actual military battle.
- Ryan in Miami calls to ask Tom to throw Kanyay West in The Hate Pit for talking with his mouth full during an interview he saw this morning. He thinks his music is alright, but he gets the impression that West thinks he can exhibit bad manners because he fancies himself some kind of genius. Tom DENIES Ryan's request. He agrees that chewing with his mouth open is arrogant, but he won't force West to share living space with the likes of Mickey Dolenz (snubbed Tom), Matt Drudge ("total slimeball"), Bob Saget (toilet mouth), and Kevin Smith (being Kevin Smith) because of it. Ryan realizes that West doesn't deserve tha gross company. Mike wants Tom to put Super Dave Osbourne in The Hate Pit. Tom commends his work on the season premiere of Curb, although he wasn't sure if it was him or a wax sculpture from Madame Tussauds. Ryan confirms that Jeff Garlin still plays Larry David's agent and mentions his directorial film debut, I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With. Tom is convinced it will be a huge hit because people have been clamoring to see a Jeff Garlin vehicle on the big screen. He expects moviegoers will be turned away at the box office, wishing
they had reserved tickets on Fandango. Tom tries to determine which of following people is making him more mad at the moment:
A.) Ted Nugent B.) Joe Torre C.) Super Dave Osbourne
Super Dave Osbourne appears to be in the lead for his frightening Curb turn. Tom says he thought HBO was airing an episode of Tales from the Crypt. He couldn't figure out why Larry and Cheryl would attend a party hosted by The Cryptkeeper.
- Steve from Brooklyn calls to offer some additional poetic justice for Ted Nugent, the self-proclaimed "Mr. Nature." Tom points out that if one really lived up to that name, they wouldn't shoot things in nature. Steve thinks it would be fitting if Ted swerved his Hummer to avoid an oncoming deer and ended up in a ravine. Tom doubts that he would even try to elude the animal because he'd view it as an opportunity to notch another kill. Steve sees Tom's point, so he counters with Nugent falling out of his tree blind during a hunt, breaking his leg, and then getting eaten alive by deer. Tom would like to see Nugent encounter the deer version of Iron Man in the woods, bullets ricocheting off its powered-armor exoskeleton. Tom is excited about the Iron Man movie, but he thinks the inclusion of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" is a bit too on the nose. He doubts people needed to hear Tony Iommi's opening riff in order to hang with the trailer. Tony Stark never performed the song. Nugent continues to pelt the deer with machine gun artillery to no avail, and then the deer's iron antlers gore him. Steve thinks that would be good.
- Matthew P. from Astoria calls to weigh in on the Kanyay West debate. He's not sure if he belongs in The Hate Pit, but he thinks he's becoming increasingly hateable. Matthew cites his public tirades about not winning MTV awards, but Tom points out that he's been having those for years -- it's part of The Game. Matthew grants him that point, but he wonders why West is the only guy on Earth who cares about winning those things. Tom admires his competitive spirit in a sea of soft-serve. He thinks Matthew needs to splash some cold water on his face and get some fight in him. He'll need it because Tom throws the Fluxblog proprietor into The Hate Pit, where he'll have to endure fates far worse than Kanye's boasts: Bob Saget's acoustic filth-ditties and film debates with The Movie Boy. Tom GOMPs him. He mentions that Mike appears to be having a laff party on the other side of the glass.
- Colin calls from his new home in Weird-O-Wood to report some poetic justice he observed during his first visit to a supposedly cool record store called Amoeba Music. Having just moved to W-O-W from New Jersey, Colin had never heard of it, so Tom informs him that it is a cool record store. It succeeded in its mission to be cool, unlike Tower Records, which was an awful record store. Colin was scavenging through their cut-out bin, and he spotted a Poster Children album. Tom agrees that Rick and Rose deserve this retail location for betraying him. He gives Colin the same dining tip that he gave Susannah two weeks ago: Poquito Mas. He also advises against Colin -- or anyone -- strolling up and down Hollywood Boulevard. Colin was less than thrilled with the stretch he compared to Times Square crossed with the scummier elements of the Jersey Shore.
- Kyle from Birmingham, AL, calls with a Two for Tuesday of poetic justice involving Harry Knowles, Tom's favorite portly cinephile. Kyle was lucky to catch Knowles on several panels at the 2007 SXSW Film Festival, including a Griiiiiindhouse chat with frugal Austin hero, Robert Rodriguez. Knowles was also billed as a participant in a horror film panel, but the nine directors were forced to wait 30 minutes for Knowles to make his grand, slow-mo entrance. Kyle says a machine that looked kind of like a metal detector was being repaired. He realized this was a lift for Knowles, and Tom thinks he's making that up to appeal to him. Kyle says that since there was no ramp access, the lift was necessary to raise a chair containing Knowles three feet onto the stage. Festival organizers had to summon the main Austin city engineer to get it working. Knowles eventually wheeled himself into the device, and his ascent progressed at a rate of two inches every five seconds. Tom says if he had the girth of a Harry Knowles, he'd show up at 4 a.m. to ensure that he was elevated onto the dais before anyone else arrived. Kyle says that Knowles was introduced as "the guy who loved the movie so much, he brought his own chair with him" at the Griiiiindhouse panel. Tom doesn't think that's the reason he brought his own chair.
The horror panel concluded with a Q&A, and Kyle asks Tom to imagine the types of people in the audience. Tom points out that one of these people was Kyle from Birmingham. A guy who runs a slow-motion film festival asked the panel for their favorite slow-motion horror scenes. Despite making a career out of dropping obscure film references, Knowles politely said it was the kind of question that required more reflection. He was stumped. Kyle was thinking about the decapitation of Mrs. Vorhees in Friday the 13th, and someone else did bring up the the demise of David Warner's character in The Omen. Based on his horror fandom, Tom asks Kyle if he is nine years old. Kyle says he got into horror films when he was five, and he's actually toned it down a bit in recent years. Tom wants to know his favorite horror movie of the last few years, and Kyle suspects Tom will hang up on him for selecting Robert Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses. While he liked Zombie's debut, he wasn't a fan of his sort-of sequel, The Devil's Rejects (Omar note: this is approx. 4.8 million times better than HokC), and skipped his Halloween re-imagining. Tom is certain that Kyle knows it's time to stop the child's play. Tom thinks Robert Zombie should be shown the door a la The Jesus Lizard, relegated to operating a boom mic on movie sets. He wonders if Kyle's fascination with horror stems from his desire to see people get stabbed. Kyle says real-life violence makes him quesy, but he enjoys the artistry of it in cinema.
He does join Tom in rejecting the notion that extreme films like Hostel Part II are really social commentaries on the Iraq War. Kyle mentions that in a recent interview Eli Roth said he was blown away when William Friedkin told him that The Exorcist was actually just a drama. Tom thinks Friedkin needs a head examination, and he'd be more interested talking to the director about his experience working with Shaq and Nick Nolte on Blue Chips. Kyle would ask Friedkin how many takes it took for Nolte to properly kick the basketball across the court. Tom reflects on this call and labels it a "Tom, I think I wanna laugh at Harry Knowles call" instead of an actual topic entry.
- Paul from Rockaway calls with some poetic justice for the current Van Halen line-up. He'd love to see Michael Anthony, kicked to the curb in favor of 12-year-old Wolfgang Van Halen, release a cathartic, special-guest-laden solo album that skyrocketed to #1 on Billboards. He admits that this scenario is pure fontasy, but Tom accepts it because he was just talking about a deer pulling an Iron Man to emerge from the woods in a metal suit and kill Ted Nugent. He does think that improbable transformation is more likely to occur than Anthony bomp-bomp-bomping his way to the top of the charts. Paul imagines that Eddie, Alex, and DLR would wonder what they were mired in nostalgia while their longtime bandmate was relevant again. Tom suspects they'd beg him to do a guest spot on a new Van Halen album. If Anthony was smart, he'd decline, but Tom bets he'd do it because he's a Good Guy. Paul saw Anthony when he appeared at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square to sell his barbecue sauce. Tom decides that if Michael Anthony is selling sauce, he will create a beverage called Motormouth Energy Drink®. Paul would wait in line for that. Tom mentions that Super Dave Osbourne now has his own line of wig glue. He's not sure why he keeps picking on Super Dave, and Paul thought Tom liked his spots on Bizarre, a 1980s Canadian sketch comedy show hosted by John Byner. Tom did not enjoy the spots. Paul liked them. To each his own.
- Samir from Gainesville, Florida, home of the National Champions x2 and Tom Petty, calls to give pugilistic "filmmaker" Uwe Boll some poetic justice. Boll's video game adaptations have earned him the dubious honor of "The Worst Director on Earth", so he challenged several of his harshest critics, as well as Quentin Tarantino and Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary, to boxing matches. Samir wishes one of the challengers had knocked his lights out. Tom accuses Boll, a trained kickboxer, of taking a page out of the Henry Owings Playbook by challenging overmatched and inexperienced participants to compete at his own game. Does Tom challenge people to air hockey all day? He does not. Tom's a Hall of Famer when it comes to "The Hock", and he vows to mop up Uwe Boll and Henry Owings in his sport of choice. Bank, bank, BOOM! Left-bank! Right-bank! Down the gullet! 10-8. Tom's good at air hockey, so he's looking for a great player in the tri-state area to take him to the next level in preparation for the air hockey component of Tomball. Tom wishes Samir a nice Florida night.
- Clark out in Union returns to the WFMU airwaves after an extended hiatus. He was flipping around the Internet radio dial and landed on Tom's air hockey riff. Clark says it gave him a rush of nostalgia, but he really called to offer some poetic justice. After a few starts and stops, Clark launches into a seemingly Bob-inspired take on anorexic female celebrities getting busted for drunk driving. He mentions that one of these troubled starlets was charged with a second DUI, but only spent three hours in jail. Clark says he's not sure if it was Lindsay Lohan because he doesn't keep up with that "Hollywood crap." Hello! Get ready. Here it comes. He thinks a judge should sentence these might-be-Lohans to serve the community by driving around with Ted Kennedy. Tom really enjoys this brand of comedic justice. Clark is confident that this dangerous assignment will cure 'em! He's done it again, and Tom hopes he keeps calling. Ew buoy.
- Ed from Sussex County calls to bring things back to Ted Nugent. Earlier tonight, Ed was
gored by a deer in an Iron Man suit chased around the house by his wife, who was wielding some talcum powder. Ed spent the day working outside in the rain, so he came home with a bad case of stinkfoot. The incident made him think of Nugent's song "Wango Tango", which contains this gem of a couplet: "I'm gonna get a little talcum / I'm gonna borrow it from Malcolm." Tom calls Nugent a jerk for write-ing that. Ed thinks that has to be among the Top 3 worst rock 'n roll music lyrics of all-time. Tom says he was ready to hang up on Ed at eight different points during his stinkfoot preamble, but Ed made his point and came through like a champ.
- Tom wants to know what's going on with the mom from The Olive Garden commercials. He thought she'd be famous by now.
- Rhail/Rale/Rail calls with some ironic poetic justice/fontasy. He's thinking about Rev. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson dying from gunshot wounds suffered in a Brooklyn carjacking. Tom has a fontasy of his own, and it involves GOMPing this racist sicko. Fontasy fulfilled!
- A possibly-high Jerry ... in ... Boulder calls to celebrate the poetic justice served to the boys in <em>Entourage when Medellin, Vincent Chase's dream biopic of Columbian drug lord Pablo Escobar, tanked at Cannes, eventually selling to Harvey Wein
steingard for $1. Tom thinks the picture will likely be retooled and win an Oscar next season. Jerry can't explain why he keeps watching the program, but Tom has the answer. When it comes right down to it, Jerry looooooves it! So does Tom. They both want to hate it, but they can't. Jerry would like to see the principal characters get in a plane crash. Tom thinks that's a bit too harsh, so Jerry says he'd settle for Medellin director Billy Walsh going down. He's had enough of the egomaniacal filmmaker who fancies himself a Major Artist and refuses to listen to any notes coming from "suits".
Despite his problems with Walsh, Tom knows that Jerry loves the show. Jerry says his favorite character is Turtle because he's the most normal and laid back member of Vince's crew. Tom gets Jerry (ha!) to admit that he likes Turtle because he's constantly smoking crippler. Tom likes all of them. He hates himself for liking it, but he's undeniably sad that the show is currently on hiatus. Tom has been unable to fill the void with Tell Me You Love Me, Home Box Office's new pornorgraphic program. He wonders if Al Goldstein was hired to replace former chairman and CEO Chris Albrecht, turning the Sunday night family hour into a filth block. Tom enjoyed sitting down with his nephew to watch a nice triple bill of The Sopranos, Entourage, and Flight of the Conchords.
- Hollywood hotshot Listener T calls with some scoops from his job at a veritable entertainment institution. He doesn't divulge the show he works on, but he says it shares the initials of a very popular 1982 alien movie. Tom guesses that it's either Extra or Access Hollywood. Nice try, Tom! I'm pretty sure Listener T works for Showbiz Tonight. He IM'd Tom earlier in the evening to say that he'd miss tonight's behind-the-scenes feature on Cavemen, which includes the cavemen preforming a priceless rendition of the theme song to the mystery entertainment news show. Tom asks Listener T if he could actually see the dignity leaking out of their ears. Listener T did see a fluid escaping their bodies -- the flop sweat drizzling out of their shirts as they baked under the lights in their full makeup. He says the reported "retooling" efforts simply entail applying more hair to the cavemen so they will become funnier. Tom's excited about its October premiere, and he thinks its especially great because no amount of makeup will cover up the sins of those involved. Listener T expects to have a clear view of the despair and soul-death in the cast's eyes. Tom points out that you can't put makeup on the scripts to hide all the bad jokes and stupid storylines.
Listener T has a poetic justice for disgraced Falcons quarterback Michael Vick involving first bloodhounds and then pitbulls. Tom would love to see Vick trying to scramble away from a pack of pitbulls led by Dogmo. Listener T imagines that after Dogmo directs his avenging peers to their intended target, she will recede into the background and not participate in the main event. Tom says that while Dogmo is a gentle animal, she's got the bloodlust. He trained her to enjoy the taste of human blood and flesh.
Tom wants to know the latest word on Owen Wilson, and Listener T says that he's been spotted at a few places around town and in Hawaii. He thinks the celebrity gossip hounds should just leave him alone as he tries to get his life together. Listener T asks Tom if he's seen TMZ on TV, a trainwreck hosted by producer/pimp Harvey Levin. The show places the TMZ producers in a "news room" to pitch their story ideas to Levin, who captures them on a fake white board that is actually a sheet of glass. Tom wonders if Listener T's take on TMZ on TV is the result of some professional jealously. Listener T says his criticisms come out of his laments for the changes in his show that seem to be leaning more towards that style of entertainment reportage. Tom commends him for running a class act.
Listener T reminds him to celebrate the birthday of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead all week long. Tom's had enough of that. He'd rather hear about the fallout from the Britney Spears MTV VMA debacle. Tom thinks that, much like Owen Wilson, people should leave her alone because it's no secret that she's
a mess. Listener T believes that Whoopi Goldberg -- a sage for these troubled times second only to the ABBA box -- was right when she said Britney had the look of someone who didn't want to be performing on that stage. Listener T thinks the lethargic, uninspired performance illuminates Britney's problem: this is all she knows. With limited career options, she has no choice but to writhe and gyrate her way through the celebrity maze as self-appointed judges judge her every move. Teenage pop stardom paid off well, but now she's bored and older. Listener T recommends a retreat to her childhood home of Kentwood, Louisiana. Tom's advice: run. He can sympathize with Britney's predicament because all he's got is cardboard and his radio program. Mike's in a similar position because all he knows is call screening and weird foreign films like Strotesick. He's excited about the forthcoming Strotesick 2, starring Andy Milonakis, Brett Favre, and Steve Zahn.
Luddite Porn: Write a lettuh, make a phone cawl, vote for me
Tim from Ellensburg, WA, calls with a Presidubernatorial candidate who is even worse than Fred Thompson: Screw founder and new HBO Head of Original Programming Al Goldstein has thrown his hat into the ring. Tom says the most surprising thing about his candidacy is that he can afford to own a hat considering his financial woes in recent years. Since Goldstein can't afford TV spots, he's been distributing campaign advertisements via extremely low-budget YouTube clips where he appears in front of a sheet not fully draped over his office. However, Goldstein urges viewers to throw their computers into the ocean even though he's using the Internet to communicate his platform. Tom is pleased that Goldstein is taking his run for office seriously and promising to roll back technology. He wonders if Laurie is his campaign manager, but Tim thinks it's just a one-man production. Tom thinks it would be poetic justice for America if Goldstein won his bid for the White House. Mike says he would vote for Goldstein, which is surprising considering his extensive campaigning efforts on behalf of Mitt
- Rod Roddy, Jr., a Rod Roddy enthusiast and long-lost caller to the show, pitches an idea for a surefire hit sitcom starring Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan. Tom doesn't like it, and he slides RRJr back into the "Where Are The Now?" file next to Pugsley Adams from The Addams Family and the bass player from The Association. Tom doesn't care what is going on with these people and prefers to lock them in the past.
- Hello! Clark returns with 2.5 little comments and a poetic justice. He admits to being interested in the "Where Are They Now" celebrity updates and gives it up to former Diff'rent Strokes child star Gary Coleman for trying like hell to find new ways to cling to some form of pop culture resonance. Coleman's no-quit attitude makes Clark giggle. This was his half comment. Clark moves on to Cavemen, which he doesn't see lasting very long unless the central premise involves the cavemen fighting for equal rights. He thinks the makeup is all fine and dandy, but he doesn't see much potential for comedic dialogue. Tom asks Clark if he's been an announcer in the past because he clearly has the pipes for such a gig. Clarks says he is one of those dreaded, horrible, vulgar, taking-money-from-corporate-broadcasters Internet radio people. He realized that he could plug a microphone into his computer, gained access to a server, and now he's an international broadcaster.
Clarks hosts "Venison Stew," a very light humor program that he describes as "a tree fort for adults." He giggles again because he added another deer reference to tonight's program. Tom is laughing along with Clark until he's forced to GOMP the giddy sleaze merchant for toilet talk. He tells Mike to tell Clark to watch his mouth and hang up on him if he calls again. Tom bets that Clark advertises Gentlemen's Club and reviews the hottest lap dances in the tri-state area while inside his Internet tree fort. He actually saves that material for his offshoot podcast called "Venison Stew's Dirty Leg Revue," which is funded by an endowment from Kern Publications. Tom continues to stockpile evidence that it's a sick, sick, sick, sick, world. The Chunklet guy is forcing The Jesus Lizard's catalog on people, Clark is polluting the Internet airwaves, Ted Nugent is alive, and Matthew from Fluxblog has taken an improbable trip to The Hate Pit. Tom considers enlisting Matthew as a Hate Pit correspondent and recommends that he post some .mp3s of Mickey Dolenz doing his stupid Jimmy Cagney impression.
- Tyler calls from the proud city of Philadelphia to collect every cast member of MTV's The Real World and make them live with all of their misdeeds. Tom asks for an example, but he doesn't want Tyler to make fun of The Real World: Las Vegas's randy starlet, Trishelle Cannatella. Tyler attempts to comment on Ms. Cannatella, but he turfs out. Tom appreciates the fact that Tyler assessed how the call was progressing and decided to hang up on himself. He gives all callers the go-ahead for self-GOMPings.
- Jess in Philly calls with an idea for some poetic justice for Jerry Foulwell, a televangelist and noted critic of the possibly-gay purple Teletubby, Tinky Winky. He thinks it would be poetic justice if a lifetime of hating on people sent the pastor to the ultimate Hate Pit: HELL. Tom agrees. Jess says it would be even more appropriate if Foulwell encountered Tinky Winky in his new home. Tom digs this homestretch twist and asks Jess if he's walking the streets of his hometown. Jess says he actually lives in the suburbs, which, if Roxboro is any indication, are a far more exciting terrain.
Monster in a Box: Marty Funkhauser emerges from Tom's television this past Sunday night
- Erika from Baltimore checks in with some poetic justice for movie casting directors and producers who tell perfectly normal actresses to drop 20 pounds, rendering them completely unattractive. She wants these people to be stricken with some terrible thyroid disorder that makes them blow up like balloons. (A stick of Wonka gum should do the trick.) Tom's with her on this poetic inflation, and he points out that a double standard exists when it comes to male performers. For example, he was struck by the flabby Vince Vaughn on display in The Wedding Crunchers. Tom doesn't think women should find sex appeal in blobs like Vaughn and Philip Seymour Hoffman. He commends Erika for preferring the ripped Christian Bale to Alan Alda, Roger Moore, who was 103 years old when he did the Bond films, or Super Dave Osbourne. Tom's still not sure why he's picking on Super Dave considering all he did was make Tom throw a pillow at his television because he thought a monster was coming to get him. Tom casts Super Dave in Videodrome 2k7, which was just acquired by Trent L. Strauss in a turnaround deal with Wawa Films.
- A caller identifies himself as Horse and appears to be leaving a message for someone named Stone. He refreshes Stone's memory about a MILF that came into their place of business two days ago to inquire about getting her husband's computer repaired. Horse doubts Stone will believe that he just totally got with her in the back room. He says it was great. Horse was doing reps when she came in to pick up the computer, and he suspects she was turned on by his glistening delts. Horse doesn't blame her for that. He tells Stone that the best part is that in addition to getting some of the "sweet stuff", he ripped her off for about $800. Horse admits that instead of fixing her husband's machine, he just used a liquid cleaner called Goof-Off® to remove some of the stains. He promises to send Stone some .jpgs from their session -- "one for the books" -- later tonight.
Tom is baffled, and Horse thinks he might be talking to Stone. Tom informs him that he called his radio show, and he wants to know why. Horse says he intended to call Stone, his co-worker at Jock Squad, a bodybuilding compound that doubles as the repair arm of Radio Hut. Tom says he must have misdialed, and Horse hopes Tom can forgive him. He claims he's down on his knees, but Tom says he's not judging him for calling the wrong number. Horse believes that Tom has no right to judge him because he sounds like he's 2' 8" tall and only weighs 42 pounds. Tom tells him he's completely wrong about his measurements. Horse says he can barely hear Tom's voice because it's so high-pitched. He thinks it sounds like a little sparrow.
Horse seems to remember talking to Tom before, and Tom thinks it was a great move to broadcast ripping off someone over the Internet and the radio. Horse didn't know he was on the air, and Tom confirms that his call is going out all over Newbridge. Horse thinks this is perfect because he wants to take this opportunity to announce his candidacy for the Newbridge Mayobonatorial election. He got the required 37 signatures. Tom doesn't think anyone will vote for him because he's sure the field will offer more qualified candidates. Horse doubts it. He thinks there are a lot of Repspublicans in the electorate who will support him. Tom's not sure what those are. Horse says it's his new political party. He wants Tom to guess what its members do all day. Tom easily figures it out: reps. Horse wants Tom to say it again, but he refuses. Horse threatens to smash Tom. He wants Tom to guess how much he can bench press. Horse claims he's up to 950 (180 Tom Scharplings). Tom confirms that his unit of measure is pounds, and he refuses to believe it until he can see it.
No Language (or Rithmotic) in Their Lungs: Newbridge high schoolers get a proper education
Horse says the centerpiece of his platform is to guarantee that Newbridge will attack at least three of the surrounding towns during his term in office. Tom wants some more details on the proposed attack. Horse says it will involve "guns and stuff" in an attempt to enslave the citizens in enemy territory. He plans to strike Old Westbridge, New Southbridge, and Nobridge in the initial surge. Tom thinks it's insane to occupy these towns, essentially turning them into military zones. Tom guesses that another plank of Horse's platform involves weightlifting. Horse says he's sorta correct. He plans to make sure that all Newbridge schoolchildren (pre-K through 12) get at least 40 hours of gym class per week. Despite this aggressive focus on physical fitness, Horse assures Tom that the kids will also learn other stuff like reading, rithmotic, and write-ing. Tom acknowledges that physical fitness is important, but Horse thinks it's the most important aspect of one's education. He lets out some strained moans, and Tom assumes he's lifting. Horse denies it and says Tom doesn't want to know what he was doing. Tom agrees. Horse then admits to doing reps. He says his fib was an attempt to show off his sense of humor to the people of Newbridge. Tom thinks people will become acutely aware of his sense of humor as long as he remains in the political race. Horse thinks the electorate will love it when Tom gets tried and executed for crimes against Newbridge.
The final part of Horse's plan is to guarantee Tom's execution. Tom thinks that's fantastic, but he wants to know how Horse will have the right to execute a citizen. Horse thought the mayor was granted some kind of universal power to order executions. Tom thinks that's as misguided as anything he's ever heard. Horse is disappointed about the limits of the office, and he asks Tom if he should still bother to run. Tom tells him to run since it will be very entertaining to see him campaigning. Horse decides to stay in the race, and he
thinks his campaign will be edge-u-cational. Tom's not familiar with that word. Horse vows to ******* Tom, does another rep, and hangs up. Tom points out that he got hung up on by someone who wasn't using blue. He appears to do a rep of his own as he throws to a track from the new Heavy Trash record, which is so good that it transcends its horrific cover art. Tom says that respect must be paid to Jon Spencer, although he doesn't pass the sentiment into official Best Show law.
Will Werner run? Check this from Bryce's call last November:
Bryce continues to struggle because his parents won't give him any more dough to fix his shanty and Lean-To Aid 2 fell through. He previously asked Tom to co-host the benefit concert with Werner and Rutager, but Tom refused. Bryce dishes some Newbridge gossip about Rutager vanishing with the entire supply of crippler. Werner is really mad and tried to remedy the situation by getting on the ballot for mayor of Newbridge*. He wanted to take office and sign an "Instant Death Warrant" against his own brother. He sped up the process by going to the Board of Elections with a knife to get on the ballot. The worst part is that he was put on the ballot at 7:50 p.m., just 10 minutes before the polls closed. He got 202 votes by going to various polling places and threatening voters with the same sharp knife, but did not win the mayoral race.
Despite the setback, Werner's political aspirations are still going strong. He plans to run for alderman and relaunch a mayoral campaign next year. He wants to help the community with great ideas like his ingenious way to get citizens hooked on rails. He hopes to dispense cocaine samples through the coin return slot of local pay phones. A slip of paper with Werner's contact number will accompany the package for future orders after the person gets hooked on the German marching powder. Tom's never done a rail, and Bryce thinks he's missing out on the greatest feeling ever. Bryce is sad as he's about to take his final crippler bong hit until Rutager is found. He wants everyone to share it with him and requests that Tom hum a Grateful Dead song of his choice. Tom doesn't really know any, and Bryce has a crying fit because Mike won't come out and sing. He takes the hit and starts singing "Truckin'", but the crippler wears off during the second half of the line: "Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been."
*While talking to Hammerhead in July Tom revealed that the Newbridge mayor serves a 10-year term, which is the longest in the country. This off-cycle special election was held when the sitting mayor was forced to resign after taking a "wide stance" in one of the stalls at Panty Boys on Old Muffler Row.
- Tyler from Philadelphia calls back to report that his aborted call sent him skipping unwittingly down the halls of poetic justice. He met Tom this past Saturday night after the PFT show at the Helium Comedy Club. Tom remembers that Tyler started running his mouth about taking the Supercaller crown from atop the head of Dave from Knoxville. However, he proved that he has miles to go before he can even step into the ring against someone like Dave from Knoxville. Tyler says he was attempting to compare Trishelle to Grace Kelly to appease Tom, but he couldn't pull it off. He made the sound of brakes screeching to a halt and hung up on himself to avoid further shame.
Tyler thinks the problem with the behavior of The Real World casts is that they live it up on a steady diet of booze, cigarettes, and partying, knowing that they only have to stay for a few months. He'd like to change the format and force them to remain in the MTV fishbowl for the rest of their lives. Tyler predicts that after five years of cohabitation, every possible male-female combination would be producing babies. In Tyler's dark, violent vision for The Real World: Forever, babies will fight babies, men will fight women, and everyone will be an alcoholic. He thinks this would be a pretty miserable existence compared to everyone returning to their hometowns for ribbon cutting ceremonies. (And awaiting the inevitable call to participate in The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet XVII - How The Gods Kill.) Tom asks Tyler if he's the science-fiction author Philip K. Dick because he's proposing a bleak picture of the future that reminds him of the dystopia depicted in the 2006 Alfonso Cuarón film href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Children_of_men">Children of Men. Tom rejects Tyler's fate for the reality stars, reminds him that he's no Dave from Knoxville, and sends him off with a forceful "Goodbye!"
- Tim in Michigan calls to strike back at the 9/11 conspiracy dudes who think the WTC towers were blown up by dynamite. He starts pondering whether it would be poetically just for someone to fly a plane into these dudes. Tom responds by GOMPing the monster from Ted Nugent country, a sicko breeding ground that is also contaminated by the likes of Jack White, Michael Moore, and Ricky the fake Sherpa.
- Tom rates the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards as the worst installment in the show's 24-year history. Vegas, baby! The fallout was obviously dominated by the subpar opening number from Spears, and Tom just hopes the walking disaster can put her life back together. He says he'd like to use some skin calipers to calculate the BMI of people accusing her of being fat. Tom also didn't appreciate the ill-timed skewering from host Sarah Silverman -- the controversial comedian ripped Spears a mere 45 seconds after she lumbered off the stage. He points out that MTV was trying to have it both ways: they could revel in orchestrating an awesome, triumphant comeback or immediately mock a pop cultural trainweck. Tom shames MTV and Sarah Silverman. He compares the show's pacing to getting stuck watching TV with an idiot who gains control of the remote control and bounces around the channels like a madman. Tom thinks the sickly frenetic direction -- even by MTV standards -- was aimed at viewers with Attention Deficit Disorder (the actual neurological affliction, not the generational variant crusty, cultural critics accuse the network of spawning in the 1980s with the influx of quick-cut editing rhythms of musical videos). The show jumped to and fro various hotels occupied by musical acts that were supposed to rock out, but fell well short of this promise. Tom thought the generally passable Foo Fighters were, relative to their peers on this evening, at least making an honest attempt to rock. Tom concludes that the VMAs are proof that an ailing music industry must die and get wiped off the face of the Earth, forcing artists to prove their worth by grinding it out on The Road. While Tom's not a roots-rock purist, he was still disappointed with 50 Cent's lip-syncing, the piped-in studio version of "In da Club" clashing wildly with the guttural sounds coming from his hype man's live mic. Tom is excited about the prospects of all the major labels going under. He's on board with Foogayzee's Ian Mackaye, who has said he would be happy to see his own Dischord Records vanish if it could take the rest of the recording industry down with it.
Tom's not anti-dancing (his love of soft-shoe is well-documented), but he thought Chris Brown's energetic routine lacked the proper balance between movement and vocal performance. The routine began with two besuited children approaching an old-timey, coin-operated "Dance Machine". They inserted the appropriate amount
of change, prompting Brown to jump out in a Charlie Chaplin outfit doing what Tom describes as "the Charlie Chaplin walk on steroids." After bounding around the stage (think circa-1991 David Yow) during a non-performance of "Wall to Wall", Brown watched Rhianna's rendition of "Umbrella", which then inspired him to do a cover of Michael Jackson's dancing in "Billie Jean". Tom shames him. The show was not a total dud because Tom did enjoy seeing the exciting actor Shia LaBeouf come out sporting pencil-thin Bud Abbot mustache for his role in Indiana
Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Tom thinks the extended title is more appropriate for a He-Man film. He wondered if it was a fakeout, but then he remembered all those Star Wars titles that George Lucas dropped on our bottoms. It's real. The mustache put a dent in Tom's interest and now it was completely drained as he imagines Harrison Ford angrily demanding that someone return the crystal skull and/or his trusty whip.
LaBeouf presented an award for Best Female Video to Fergie, the Griiiiindhouse thesp from the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie didn't show, so Tom thinks MTV should have given it to someone who was present because it doesn't matter and nobody cares. The fun continued with Pam Anderson introducing Kanyay West, who was looking down at Matthew Fluxblog while dancing on a clear walkway in his 1980s shade-glasses. At the time, Matthew was listening to Mickey Dolenz talk about his experiences making
href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Headquarters_(album)">Headquarters. While Kanyay tapped on the lid of the Hate Pit, a fight erupted between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Tom points out that
both awesome guys are much closer to receiving a Social Security check than being teens. He wonders if they will ever realize that they are well into adulthood and shed the biker trash image. Tom dismisses Kid Rock as a bad Bob Seeger (a very bad Mitch Ryder) and doesn't seem to have much interest in seeing Tommy Lee's electro-DJing with Tom from Myspace.
- Clark calls to beg for a chance to redeem himself with a quickie poetic justice. Tom tells Clark that this is his 18th poetic justice of the night, and Clark disputes the number. Tom says he was exaggerating for comedic effect. Clark asks Tom to look at France, and Tom asks if this is something he has to do. Tom's quip and subsequent whooping laffs prove Clark's point -- the country has an arrogant attitude and likes to spit on Americans. Tom refers to the country as Freedom. Clark wants Tom to chew on the idea of Vietnam invading France. He doesn't think anyone would see it coming, and he's certain the United States wouldn't intervene because oh no, here we go again! Tom wants to know if people can get these kinds of riffs on "Venison Stew". Clark says he fills the two hours on Tuesday and the three hours on Friday with a bunch of random thoughts from his head. He calls the more upbeat, dancey Friday show the "Party Edition", and this inspires Tom to sing a bit of Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend". Clark has played that song a couple of times. He declines to respond to Tom's query about whether Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day" made it into any of his party playlists. Clark has a beef with the music industry, but he doesn't think Tom has enough time to get into this special pet peeve.
Clark estimates his listenership at less than 100. Tom's shocked at the low number, and he finally figures out what Clark's been up to tonight. He saw The Best Show as an opportunity to drive new listeners to "Venison Stew". Clark denies using Tom to push his program, citing his refusal to give the website. He wishes everyone good luck in trying to find it using Google due to the countless results for venison stew recipes. Clark says the show's name is based on his screen name of "venison88". Tom's had enough of the self-promotion and starts to feel the competitive heat, so he bans Clark for one year. Clark claims the fallacy of Internet radio is that people actually know it exists. It's too late. He starts crying, and Tom GOMPs him. Tom's been down this road before, and he doesn't want Clark showing up at the studio with a microphone and a cooler. Every time The Kid entertains an apparent psycho, they hurt him. Look for Clark to return in 2008!
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: David Yow challenges Tom to a one-on-one Whirlyball duel and "Scream-Off", Horse leaves a message for Stone regarding his heist of 75 copies of Grey's Anatomy - The Complete Third season box sets from the Geek Squad's residence, and Clark ignores the one-year ban by serving up six more ladels of spicy venison stew featuring meat from the private collection of Ted Nugent.
Your Moment of Zen:
"Jesus Lizard. Whaaat? Seriously? Those guys got run out for a reason. Show 'em the door." -- Tom