Hall & Oatestory.
"Well, you know, we have a number of other goods and services you might find interestin'. Have you ever thought about toilet insurance?" -- Philly Boy Roy, attempting to sell Kern products to Mr. W. Fmu
"Somehow when I read nem words get messed up between the page and my mouth. And some of nem words I just don't know, too." -- Philly Boy Roy, getting lost in the translation of his sales pitch
"I'll put it gently. They was having pant rummages -- individually, not together." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why three members of The Minions were arrested during a Sri Lankan video shoot
"That's a day that will live in infantry." -- Philly Boy Roy on the historic 9/25/81The Rolling Stones show in Philadelphia
"Well, Tom, you know, it's all debit cards nowadays, and I just figured he wouldn't want it, and I could have it, you know, as a memetto." -- Philly Boy Roy, justifying his heist of Ben Gibbard's checkbook
"Beauty on a Back Street, Along the Red Ledge, X-Static? You gotta step up, my man!" -- Philly Boy Roy, delivering one of his catchphrases to a frightened Daryl Hall in the Philly is Frying pilot
"I know there's not a lot of drinkin' allowed." -- Philly Boy Roy on one of the lifestyle restrictions in his new community
"Nowhere in The Bible does it say anything about not using batteries." -- Philly Boy Roy, finding a loophole in the Amish handbook
"I'm gonna spend the rest of my days in quiet servlitude." -- Philly Boy Roy on his new, more peaceful way of life
"The Amish out in Kutztown? They don't wanna hear the Dead Milkmen." -- Tom, predicting that PBR's new neighbors will reject the snotty 1980s punk from Philadelphia
"I don't think I do. I definitely don't do that. There's no way I do that!" -- Philly Boy Roy, denying that he makes absolute proclamations
"Share with me your stuff, and I'll share my stuff with youse." -- Philly Boy Roy, looking forward to his cultural give-and-take with the Amish
Cheater Slicks - "Run, Run, Run"
( Click here to buy Walk Into The Sea)
M.I.A. - "Jimmy"
( Click here to buy Kala)
( Click here to buy Cowboy in Sweden)
( Click here to buy Squirrel and G-Man Twenty Four Hour Party People Plastic Face Carnt Smile (White Out))
America's Hardcore - "Born Prejudice"
Scared Straight (ft. Scott "Rad" insky) - "Over The Edge"
( Click here to buy Scared Straight / It Came From Slimey Valley)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
- A telemarketer calls (starts at 1:42) on behalf of Kern Publications to see if a "Mr. Foomoo" would be interested in a trial subscription to New Jersey Now magazine. He touts the regional rag as the only source one needs to find out what exciting things are afoot in the greatest state in the country: New Jersey. Tom says he's not really interested in subscribing to any magazines. The caller informs Tom that Kern Publications offers many other fine periodicals that may tickle his fancy: Calisthenics Fortnightly, The Voodoo Times, American Factory Worker, Grandpa Maurice's Creepy Bedtime Stories, Sunglasses Monthly, Famous Gas Grills, Power Pop Pandemonium, Sweatpants Collector, Dr. Christian Harfouche's Warriors for Christ, Sewage & Sanitation Illustrated, High-Fat Bacon, International Tentmaker, Parental Discipline, Red Skies (the official magazine of the rock band The Fixx), Pizza Aficionado, or Colonel Vincent L. Doubleday's Dirty Leg Revue. Tom says he's really not into any of these titles.
The caller tries to push some of Kern's other goods and services, hoping that Tom will be more interested in purchasing some toilet insurance. Tom doesn't find this product interesting, and he wants to know who is trying to sell it to him. The caller identifies himself as Lance Stallone, and Tom wants to hear his last sales pitch again. Lance was apparently working off-book because he has great difficulty reading the marketing copy back to Tom. Tom quickly identifies the caller as Philly Boy Roy because he was reading like a first-grader. PBR explains that he initially had his sales routine mesmerized, but the words got messed up during the transition from the page to his mouth when he was asked to repeat it. He says that in some cases he simply doesn't know the words he was trying to read.
PBR says that he's currently working as a phone sales associate for Kern Publications, and Tom has a simple follow-up question: Why? He points out that in recent weeks PBR appeared to be running things as a hotshot entertainment mogul for Wawa Records and Filmed Entertainment, Inc. When PBR called a few weeks ago to talk to the actor from Ratalouie, he was extremely confident that nothing could ever possibly go wrong. He even had the phrase "My Life Is Perfect, Nothing Could Ever Ever Possibly Go Wrong" tattooed on his back. Despite his on-air proclamations and confirming body art, PBR says that things went really wrong. Tom's not surprised because PBR was too arrogant about his rapid rise to success. PBR says he didn't think there was any way that Tom's predictions of an inevitable fall could be right.
PBR begins his tragic tale by detailing the wave of problems that plagued the Wawa Records division. The debut album by The Minions, a Dr. Dog side-project, did great at first (sales skyrocketed after it earned a 9.3 rating on influential website Shovel.com back in May), but PBR sank way too much money into the subsequent marketing effort. He wanted the band to recreate the video for Duran Duran's "Rio", so he flew them out to Sri Lanka, which he thought was off the coast of South Carolina or something. Tom points out that it's actually located off the coast of India at the other end of the world. PBR says he knows that now due to the expenses he incurred. In addition to the production costs, PBR had to pay bail money after three members of the band -- not any of the guys from Dr. Dog -- got arrested for having individual pant rummages while on the island. The video was never finished, and PBR got stuck with a six-figure bill.
PBR was also planning to release a live The Rolling Stones album, which he recorded on the first show of the Tattoo You tour on 9/25/81 in Philadelphia. PBR believes that day will live in infantry, and he doesn't think Tom will believe that he can't put the record out. Tom believes it because he told PBR more than once that he would be unable to secure the rights to release a bootleg Stones album on his label. PBR says he told Tom that the material was part of Public Works, but Tom says he told him that was incorrect. PBR says Tom turned out to be wrong. He appears to be in some sort of denial. PBR is getting sued by the Stones, which he considers somewhat prestigious legal action. Tom concludes that it's a little bit of an honor, but also a little bit scary. The individual members have also filed suit against PBR, including Mick Taylor, who wasn't even in the band at the time of the recording. He's also getting sued by the estates of founding member Brian Jones, the band's pianist Ian Stewart, concert promoter Bill Graham, and Mike, the guy who attended the fateful show with PBR.
Mike passed on while living in the Newbridge area in the 1990s. PBR says that his friend succumbed to an addiction to "Black Fudge", the purest smack in town. I assume he ran into Bob at the Grunge Pit during these dark years. Mike passed out about halfway into the show during "Little T&A", but you can hear him singing along on the recording up until that point in the set. Mike's mother is suing PBR because she wanted backend points on the sales of the album to compensate for her departed son's vocals. PBR thinks Mick and The Boys are most upset about how he compensated for the tape running out with three songs left in the show. PBR completed the concert by inserting studio versions of "Jumpin' Jack Flash," "Street Fighting Man," and "Satisfaction (full setlist) with manufactured crowd noise over top of them on his recording. PBR did his own sound work, duplicating the roar of J.F.K. Stadium by putting his hands to his mouth and emitting a series of hushed, echoey cheers. Tom thinks that might have something to do with the band being upset.
High-profile Wawa Records signee Ben Gibbard, from Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Workers, has also filed suit against PBR. He's claiming that PBR stole his checkbook when he went to see him perform in May at the TLA in Philadelphia. Tom asks him if he is guilty of the charge, and PBR wants him to define the word "steal". Tom asks PBR if Gibbard's checkbook found its way onto his person, if he left the venue with said checkbook, and if he wrote checks from it. PBR says all of these things happened. He argues that since most people use debit cards these days, he figured Gibbard wouldn't want his checkbook anymore. PBR says he thought it was reasonable to lift it as a memetto of the show. Tom's confused by the term "memetto", so PBR calls him a dummy and directs him to open a dictionary. A taste of the old Roy, dipping into his trusty canister of quips and snaps. PBR says an enraged Gibbard invoked a no-theft clause in his Wawa Records contract and left the label before recording his solo debut. PBR was unaware of the clause he violated. The Minions broke him. The Stones sued him. Gibbard left him. With all of his music revenue streams gone and a dozen pending lawsuits, PBR moves on to the debacle in the filmed entertainment division.
PBR says the Rambocky project suffered a fate even worse than his musical endeavors. Tom wants to guess what happened, and PBR gives him permission to fire away. Tom guesses that PBR found out that he couldn't move forward with the film. He's right. PBR is getting sued by Sylvester Stallone, MGM, Chartoff-Winkler Productions, Talia Shire, Burt Young, the estate of Burgess Meredith, and the estate of Butkus Stallone, Rocky's dog in the film. PBR is sort of embarrassed about getting sued by canine. The dog's legal name was Fred. Frank Stallone and his son, Joff Stallone, have also filed suit. PBR says Joff is the one who got him into the mess, and then he also blames Tom for always egging him on. Tom doesn't accept any responsibility for PBR's predicament. He points out that Joff Stallone told him to go for it after they met in the commissary on the Paramount lot while PBR was in Weird-O-Wood. Tom reminds PBR that Joff had no problem with disgracing the Rocky and Rambo source material because he wasn't a fan of his uncle's work. In a previous call, PBR mentioned that Joff described Sly's cinematic oeuvre as "crettenous" and "ABhor-rent." He was under the mistaken impression that Joff was complimenting his uncle's work.
PBR wants to continue with the list of plaintiffs: the guys in Survivor, composer Bill Conti, and the Philadelphia Museunen of Art, where Rocky ran up nem steps. PBR suspects the building contains pictures and stuff. He says he isn't sure how he's going to pay Roy, Jr. for his mounting legal fees. His son is serving as his legal counsel at a rate of $400/hour. Tom wants to know if Roy, Jr. is actually a lawyer, and PBR wants a definition for "actually." Tom asks him if Roy, Jr. went to law school. PBR says he didn't, but he's seen just about every Judge Wapner. He's so dedicated to the television barrister that he's burned episodes of The People's Court to discs. Wapner left the program in 1993, but PBR thinks he's still behind the bench. Little-known fact: Wapner was a consultant on the construction of the late-1990s model of the device that led to the disbarment Judge Montgomery Davies. While he rarely discusses his involvement with the controversial device, he's on record as being a dissenting voice on the use of the fishing line that was ultimately very prone to tangling.
PBR says he had to sign his house over to Roy, Jr. to continue paying for his defenses. While he's sad that he had to transfer home ownership to his son, he's even sadder about the one that got away. PBR says the project would have been his crowning achievement -- bigger than Rambocky. He was developing a television series set in 1980 called Philly is Frying. Tom identifies this as the year the Phillies won the World Series. PBR wonders if Tom read his logline. Tom says he's just piecing it together as some kind of Philly-centric version of The Bronx is Burning, the ESPN series documenting the tumultuous 1977 Yankees season. PBR has heard about this baseball program. He says that his show is about the trials and tribulations of Phillies manager Dallas Green and players like Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton, Garry Maddox, Bob Boone as the team makes their way to the 1980 World Series. PBR thinks it's very exciting, and Tom thinks it sounds exactly like The Bronx is Burning. PBR disputes the similarities. He says that his series includes a great side story that he doubts Tom will guess. Tom correctly guesses that it involves a murderer. PBR is surprised that Tom knew this, so Tom asks him if he's been watching The Bronx is Burning. PBR hasn't really been watching it -- his ideas are coming exclusively from his mind and history. PBR says a killer dub