Tom, Patton, GO!
"When I saw Zach Galifianakis on Saturday I was standing in line and somebody asked me what it was and I said Laser Allin." -- Dan B, recounting his weekend fun in the FOT Chat
"Put me up here. Disgraceful. Send them the dry cleaning bill. My clothes are ruined. It's like I went to the gym." -- Tom on getting stuck in the WFMU submarine
"You probably, Spike, would have to talk to your parole officer about being in a building that would contain children." -- Tom, advising Spike on the steps required to screen Ratatouille
"You're on the right track. You need to step out and see what's what. But that guy? That's bad news, Jack. That guy's gonna lead you down the wrong road." -- Tom, informing Jesse Thorn of the perils of traveling with Jordan Norris
"God doesn't flush a toilet without dumping raw sewage on your lawn." -- Patton Oswalt on the Circle of Life
"Isn't the church having enough problems now? Hey, let's have this priest hang out with a 10-year-old boy. He'll be at his side constantly. -- Tom on the bizarre premise of the new Robin Williams non-laffer
"Hey, Tyler, hope ... you're ... doing ... well at ... soccer practice. Tell Teisha to stop picking on you. And remember: anyone can cook!" -- Patton Oswalt, cheering up a kid with leukemia as Remy the Rat
"I gotta get out more." -- Tom, getting the urge to travel after Ted Leo and Patton discuss the beauty of Galway
"I love how he sounds like he's falling asleep and crying at the same time." -- Patton Oswalt on the vulnerable tones of Petey
"I can't find my harmonica!" -- Robert Klein, barking at his manager from backstage at a Comedians of Comedy tour stop
"You're not flying coach anymore, you probably own the plane." - Tom on Jerry Seinfeld having to retire his bit about peeking through the coach curtain
"Good Red Roof Inn ads!" -- Patton Oswalt, zinging the jerky Martin Mull
"Do you wanna take it up like 10,000 notches or what?" -- Roydon Ziegler, offering Patton a career surge
"On the screen. And in my pants." -- Roydon on where he saw rats while during an accidental screening of SiCKO
“What he did was wrong, and I think he knows it.” -- Roydon on Patton Oswald's brother, Lee Harvey Oswalt
"I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before. It's the ultimate recipe for box office gold!" -- Roydon the creation of Rambocky
"If you could have any kinda hoagie in the world right now, what would it be?" -- Rambocky, asking Gus an important question as they wade through the Vietcong jungle
"I'm a Renaissance man, what can I say?" -- Roydon on his many talents
"They show 'em in places that are kinda unsavory." -- Roydon on the venues that screen M. Morning Shymalan's motion pictures
"They're wise enough to not have me shirtless in a movie because my torso looks like Walter Matthau's face." -- Patton Oswalt on his never-nude policy
“Host, shut up. Actor, I'm pullin' the deal away. I'm receiving the deal.” -- Roydon, telling Tom and Patton what's what
"Always gonna be the same, it's never gonna be no different." -- Roydon, staying the course, heading for a fall
"Hey, Mike, can you make a note, I think there's like four shows we're gonna need to delete from the archives." -- Tom, finding out that "Weird Al" is a fan
Kelly Clarkson - "Hole"
( Click here to stick it to Chive Davis and buy My December)
Bad Brains (ft. I-ron) - "Let There Be Angels (Just Like You)"
( Click here to buy Build a Nation)
Jason Isbell - "Brand New Kind Of Actress"
( Click here to buy Sirens of the Ditch)
The Great Plains - "Dick Clark"
( Click here to buy Length of Growth 1981-1989)
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments - "Rump Government"
( Click here to buy Straight To Video)
Sahara Hotnights - "Puppy"
( Click here to buy What If Leaving Is A Loving Thing)
Gore Gore Girls - "Voodoo Doll"
( Click here to buy Get The Gore)
Superchunk - "Throwing Things"
( Click here to buy No Rambocky For Kitty)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Studio B: Live from the Fuselage of the Spruce Goose!
Turn the music up, turn me down, too bad Tom couldn't turn an air conditioner on. This time it's three hours of mirth, music, mayhem, and disrespect. A mere two hours before showtime, the station banished Tom to Studio B, a sauna-like submarine that has The Kid coated in sweat. (Not to mention the annoyance of having the Loch Ness Mobsters sipping Sambuca and talking business in hushed tones at a corner table.) Tom considers it a slap in the face because now he has to welcome a fancy guest into a dumpy aquatic vessel while looking like someone dumped a bucket of water on his head. Tsunami Tommy. A Wet (gym) Rat. Tom intends to invoice WFMU for the dry cleaning required to salvage his soaked threads. His moist fingers are making simple tasks like picking up jewel cases difficult, and he fears that he may corrode the CD players. Tom is also not pleased with the acoustics of the alternate room. He asks Mike the Associate Producer, who is forced to screen calls from a weird vestibule, to close the door, which guarantees that there will be no air circulation for the entire evening. Since Tom is completely encased in an airtight seal (a kind of radio sous vide to use the parlance of Ratatouille), he predicts that he will lose 11 pounds during the show. Tom is in such a bad mood that he taunts the DC Snipers for lollygagging on the follow-up to Missile Sunset.
Despite the less-than-ideal conditions, Tom vows to rise above. Then again, he also suggests that this could be his last show ever. Tom says he will test the radio waters and may try to land a gig spinning oldies on the resurrected CBS-FM a la Mickey Dolenz's old morning program. Dolenz is now doing the show in podcast form from the bowels of The Hate Pit. Last week, Matt Drudge did a guest set that was heavy on 1960s Australian stuff like The Easybeats and The Master Apprentices. I'd like to see Tom team up with Don Imus for his inevitable comeback. After the I-Man called some respectable author a "fat stooge", Tom could issue a jocular, McCordian reprimand and introduce the Imus audience to some real Americana from All Night Lotus Party. Tommy in the moooooorning! And there's always Sirius.
Das Beste von Spence: Höflichkeit von der persönlichen Sammlung von Werner und Rutager
- Speaking of oldies and Sirius, Spike returns from an extended hiatus dating back to the 5/8/07 show. It's been so long since he last called that he forgets to give his trademark "Heeeelllloooo, Tom" greeting. Spike understands that comedian Patton Oswalt will be joining Tom for tonight's program. He's a fan, but he hasn't seen the film where he plays the voice of the rat. Tom points out that Spike would have to make special arrangements to see the film. He would either have to get approval from his parole officer to be in the same building with children or arrange for a
17+ 23+ 25+ private screening. Spike reiterates that he can't handle being around anyone under the age of 25. Tom imagines a distraught 23-year-old pleading with Spike to make an exception. Amidst some nonsense noise from his television, Spike says he's enjoyed Patton's comedy specials and his work as Spencer "Spence" Olchin on the long-running CBS laffer King of Queens.
Spike also likes Patton's KoQ co-star Kevin James. He might check James out in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, the gay-themed Adam Sandler comedy opening nationwide this coming Friday. Spike has been disappointed with the summer fare, but he's looking forward to seeing Robin Williams in License To Wed. Tom agrees that the film appears to be the seasonal standout compared to relatively stupid blockbusters like Transformers. Spike is waiting for a good summer slasher, and he gets a case of the dropsies after Tom mentions Hostel: Part II. Spike dropped some CD cases (mix of doo-wop stuff) and a stack of mail (dominatrix trade pub Masters, a court summons, Fangoria, the Frankie Lymon fanzine Smack, Soap Opera Weekly, etc.) As one might expect, he's very pleased about the return of CBS-FM, and Tom is pleased that the station announced that they won't be playing anything from the 1950s. Spike is not pleased about that programming decision. He argues that the "oldies" format encompasses anything from 1950-1980. He's like to hear some tunes from the fertile 1955-1963 period. Tom wonders if Don K. Reed will re-open the "Doo Wop Shop" or if CBS-FM will let Spike on the air. Spike thinks he should have a music show on CBS and a talk show on his beloved WBAI. (My picks for titles: "The 100 Percent Natural Good-Time Sexy Sadie Hour" or "Where in the World is Debbie?")
Spike and Tom are now both offering their services in the radio marketplace. Tom considers pairing up with Spike, who mentions the possibility of a show on Sirius. Spike denies stealing satellite radio, but Tom finds this hard to believe because he's generally so low-rent (minimal utensils, orange crate furniture, etc.). Spike has no comeback for the charge. He says he only listens to non-commercial terrestrial radio and satellite fare. Spike starts to run down his favorite Sirius channels, but Tom GOMPs him for being a snooze. He can only handle a moderate dose of Spike. Tom doesn't have a Sirius subscription, but he knows their entire lineup because Spike has mentioned it 10 times.
Jesse, Jordan, Do Not Pass GO, GO Directly to Jail!
- Jesse Thorn enters the risky pre-topic segment, and Tom emits an immediate groan of disgust to try to take North America's Radio Sweetheart off his game. Jesse's on Tom's turf. He's wearing the road grays, while Tom is in his sweat-drenched pinstripes. Jesse congratulates Tom on his undefeated 2007, but Tom doesn't want him to jinx the streak. He's calling to ask Tom for some advice on his broadcasting career. Tom mentions that Jesse is the proprietor of "The Sound of Young America", a fake radio program in which various guests are interviewed about the awesome things they do. Jesse points out that while it may be fake, the show is now distributed by the real PRI. Jesse's podcasting empire also includes "Jordan, Jesse, GO!", featuring his old college buddy Jordan Norris. Tom tried listening to JJG!, but he was put off by the foul language. Jesse says that podcasts grant the freedom to let the reigns go. Tom thinks he's better than having to resort to cursing. He had to cover his nephew's ears 30 times during a single episode.
Barbara Mandrell and Doc C: As nimble as forest creatures
Jesse thinks Tom's nephew might enjoy the current JJG! Zoo Animal Showdown. He promises to try to avoid toilet mouth for that segment. Tom laments the difficulty of finding family entertainment on the heels of his Deadwood debacle. His nephew thought the western would be more like a Barbara Mandrell variety series. It totally wasn't, although there is that one episode late in season 2 where Charlie Utter and Sol Star have a steel guitar battle like Steve Vai and Ralph Macchio at the end of Crossroads. Tom's nephew will like that. Jesse references Gunsmoke, but Tom's nephew obviously has no idea what that is. He is, however, a huge Mandrell fan. Tom says they were outraged by the language and inappropriate actions that misrepresent th true spirit of the Old West. Jesse also remembers the good, clean American fun that marked this era. Tom was expecting to see our beloved forefathers shepherding the nascent region to prosperity, but all he saw were lawless animals unleashed on the unsuspecting townfolk. Jesse describes Deadwood false depictions of history as "sickening". Tom thinks he's overstating the case, and Jesse gets a little closer with "disappointing."
Before Jesse gets to his question, Tom wants to know how Jordan got top billing in the title of their collaborative podcast. Jesse says that Jordan's the funny one, while he just brings the deep voice. Tom's vigorously disputes the assessment. After listening to a few episodes, he concluded that Jesse is much funnier than his partner. Tom feels that Jordan tries harder and really goes for the jokes, but he generally ends up with egg on his face. Jesse thinks these chronic comedy misfires lend him a charming vulnerability. Tom doesn't find Jordan very charming. He likes the Jesse portion of the program, but Jordan's antics are not maximizing his fun. Jesse thanks Tom for the compliment even though he dissed his very good friend in the process. Tom eases the blow by saying that he, too, has plenty of friends that his other friends hate. The bottom line: It's a hard world.
Jesse is concerned about his rapid rise to radio glory, from his humble beginnings on college radio in Santa Cruz to hooking up with an international syndicate. He's worried that becoming a fixture on public radio will turn him into a latte-sipping, The Nation-reading person who drives around in a Volvo station wagon and buys CDs at Starbucks. Jesse thinks Tom can offer some perspective since he's the hero of the disenfranchised and The People's Champion. Tom cedes the latter honor to The Rock. Jesse thinks Tom has achieved a roughly analogous standing in the world of WFMU and community broadcasting by having his finger on the pulse of the common man. He wants to know how Tom keeps his perspective considering his success in the radio and cardboard industries. Tom doesn't know. He tells Jesse to trust his own judgment. Jesse doesn't think he's that young anymore, but Tom still thinks the time is ripe for him to fall on his face in front of a wider audience. Tom has taken hundreds of face-first falls, and each time he bounces up like roundball. He doesn't know the secrets to success, but he sees the occasional turfing out as a valuable step in gaining this elusive perspective on life and work.
Jesse wishes he could just go through a ritual (party at Keith Kincaid's house!) or do some walkabout. It's not that easy. Tom tells him that there are no shortcuts. It's a sick, scary world out there, and you can't be afraid to confront it and fail. You might learn a valuable lesson from a big mistake or run the table to even greater rewards. Tom does offer a more specific piece of advice: shuttle the disastrous Jordan Norris. Jesse says that Jordan clams that girls have approached him in public to say they enjoyed him on the fake radio. Tom wonders if Jesse has ever witnessed a supposed encounter between Jordan and these mythical podcast groupies. He has not. Jesse begins to wonder if Jordan is just selling him a bill of goods. When Tom jokingly suggests that "girls love podcasts," Jesse realizes how absurd that sounds. Tom wants him to look in the mirror tonight and picture a world without Jordan Norris, Boy Detective. Tom thinks the fact that he embraces a nickname suited for a nine-year-old speaks volumes. Jesse says he's actually older, but he likes to think that he embodies the infectious spirit of someone that age. (For the record, I checked with Skag Winesack, and Norris is NOT a licensed detective in the state of California.)
Tom asks Jesse to trust him. Jesse acknowledges that he came to Tom because he's the wisest guy he knows in the radio business. Tom believes that Jesse is on the right track, and he must travel alone to see where it leads him. Jordan Norris, however, is bad news, and he will send Jesse on an undesirable detour. Tom recommends a clean break by replacing Norris with a regular guy like Rick Shapiro. Jesse thinks that sounds like a "pretty good" idea, but he doesn't know Shapiro as well as his current JJG! co-host. Tom thinks the switch will create an exciting new dynamic with Rick and Jesse poking each other's buttons in a less cozy environment. Tom informs Jesse that the Boy Detective simply lacks the requisite goods. He hopes to hear Jesse cut him loose in what will be the final JJG! episode taping this Sunday. Jesse is a bit stunned by what has transpired during his call. He expected Tom to advise him to drive a domestic automobile, but now he's being told to fire his best friend. Tom says this is why it's called the "podcast business" instead of the "podcast friendship." He's advising Jesse to sever all ties with Norris. He can no longer be his friend. Tom says that Jesse wil absorb all of their mutual college friends, leaving Norris to fend for himself. Jesse's not sure if Norris has any other friends. He appears to be a bit staggered by Tom's directive and the general turn of events. He knows what he has to do, but it's tough advice for Jesse to swallow. Tom is adamant that he must cut the filthy, little liar loose from the digital airwaves. Jesse will see what he can do.
In addition to seconding Tom's heartfelt call for a Jordan jettisoning, I would offer Jesse a (possibly adapted) quote from the great Auguste Gusteau: "Anyone can podcast." Emerge from the sewers and embrace the bright city lights with the same vigor as Remy saving a soup to the delight of jaded diners. Ride the wave of success as far as you can without letting the likes of Jordache Nauris -- the anti-Remy -- nestle themselves under your hat and pull your strings like a demented Gepetto. What's wrong with sipping a latte, anyway? They taste good! You have to sip it because it's a hot beverage. Volvos are really safe cars! If Starbucks* is good enough for Thurston Moore, it's good enough for you! Go all in and don't fear the flop, son. Unabashedly following your dreams is the New Sincerity.
*I was in a Starbucks last week buying that Omelette Ertegun compilation and someone had drawn a Hitler mustache on the Paul McCartney poster. He looked more like Merle Allin than the Nazi Führer.
Jesse changes the subject to the controversy surrounding the AST member who stole a drink Tom purchased for a friend while in LA. Jesse wants to clear his name from any of the speculation, but Tom doesn't want to talk about it on the air anymore. It's now just between him and the thief. It's The Best Show, not the radio arm of OK! magazine. Tom GOMPs Jesse for trying to tell HIM what time it is. Tom tells YOU what time it is, Butchie. Tom reminds listeners that The Best Show is being transmitted over real radio equipment. He has to show up at a real building to do the show. He can't just roll out of bed in his pajamas and set up a microphone on his kitchen table like he's Rick & Rose. This is legit radio! Tom doesn't want to be lumped in with all the podcasters After potentially destroying a friendship, Tom is ready to go to the Celebrity Corner (actually a tiny cubby hole in the lower deck of the submarine) to retrieve tonight's special guest.
- Supercomedian Patton Oswalt arrives (starts at 40:03) in the studio, and he missed Spike's earlier introduction because his cans were not working. Patton is glad that Spike's a fan, but he's also depressed that he was interested in seeing Robin Williams in License to Wed. This reminds Patton of the time a woman told him that she enjoyed the sets he and his friend did at an open mic. She then preceded to laugh just as hard at the hacky filth that followed. Patton and his friend got sad about that and then got sad about their narcissism. Sadness all around. Tom thinks it's the worst when someone you think has good taste shatters the illusion. Patton doesn't want to join Arby's roast beef, Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, and Kidz Bop in someone's holy trinity of awesomeness. He needs certain people to stop loving him and start hating him. Tom says it's literally impossible not to love Patton Oswalt.
As Spike mentioned earlier, Patton's accomplished resume includes his work as one of the key supporting players on King of Queens. Patton says that he was part of what was known as the "clean-up squad". He thinks it would be sad if a television production assigned nicknames to the various areas of a show. The lighting department would be summoned to the floor as the "Shine-Shine Boys". The catering crew would be the "Red Monsters", and this moniker makes Tom hungry. Mmmmm. Patton started playing Spence when Clinton was still in office, and the show's nine-year run ended this past season. He's not sad because the show went out on its own terms. It wasn't like a guest that's getting pushed out the door of a party at 3 a.m. instead of leaving at midnight with everyone else. Tom points out that KoQ got a much better sendoff than George Lopez, who got bumped for Cavemen and than passed over again when ABC brought back According To Jim.
Tom says that since he's a vocal basher of Kevin Smith, he got five e-mails about his new movie because people know it will fan the flames. When word came down yesterday that Cavemen was being retooled, Tom received another round of missives. Patton concludes that despite all his rage, Tom is just a gibbon in a cage. People pay a quarter for a cone of pebbles to hurl at the gibbon to make him angry. He likes the feed, but it makes him behave like he's on "blue". The pebbles, however, incite nonstop action of flips combined with tossing and rolling around in his own excrement. A true spectator sport. While he's been a harsh critic of the Cavemen pilot, Tom is disappointed that ABC is getting rid of his favorite caveman, Jamie, who was played by Dash Mihok. At least Dash will now have more time to focus on promoting the DVD release of Firehouse Dog. Jamie is being replaced by a new cro-magger named Andy. Patton's verdict: show saver! Tom can't believe they actually released this tweak to the press considering only 19 insiders viewed the original pilot. Tom thinks Cavemen is something special to fill the void left by the cancellation of Studio 60. He calls this the Circle of Life. Patton reminds him that God doesn't flush a toilet without dumping raw sewage on your lawn. Tom needs to think about that one before issuing further comment.
In addition to his television work, Patton is currently starring as the lead rat in the G-rated smash Ratatouille. Tom expects it to hang in there for awhile because it's really good. Patton says the critics and moviegoers he's talked to are relieved that the film is out because the summer slate has been like a constant beating with a sock of tokens. Even his undiscerning sci-fi friends were totally bummed out by Transformers. They'd usually give an A+ to a film featuring robots smashing a building, but this one managed to disappoint. Tom saw a minute of a scene in which one Transformer thought he was going to rust because someone was spraying a hose. He decided to stare at the movie posters in the lobby again instead of enduring another minute. Patton files Transformers in the "Things You Can Die Without Seeing" file. Tom adds the Planet of the Apes remake. Patton doesn't think anyone will regret not visiting the Hollywood Wax Museum from their death bed. They will probably be more concerned about the fact that the bed is trying to eat them! Patton tells listeners to cross the lame Underground Tour of Seattle off their to-do lists. You'll die without it, and you won't care.
Tom is certainly not putting Ratatouille on the list, and Patton believes 10 viewings are required to eliminate any chance of regret later in life. Tom saw it in L.A. while sitting next to the voice of Remy, so he was really hoping it was good to avoid any awkwardness if it sucked. Tom liked it even more when he saw it again with his ladyfriend. He got very emotional, but he doesn't want to say which scene got him because it will be used against him. If he revealed it on the air, someone would put the two-minute clip with sounds of him crying underneath it on YouTube. Patton now wants to have the opposite experience of flying the gibbon to L.A. for the premiere of an awful movie he's in so he can bray like a donkey during the worst parts. He'd then demand to promote the film, License to Wed 2, on The Best Show. Tom thinks License to Wed looks fun. Considering the various problems plaguing the church, Tom wonders who signed off on the idea to give Robin Williams a soft, chubby 10-year-old sidekick with a potty mouth. Patton is equally baffled that a 57-year-old priest enlists a kid to help him torture a soon-to-be-married couple about their sexuality. Tom doesn't buy the premise that the couple can't get married without the help of Robin Williams. He thinks they can. Patton mentions Patch Adams, another Williams vehicle that operates under a false premise. The film suggests that all doctors are completely humorless, and Robin Williams will swoop in to turn the profession on its comedic head. Patton says that every doctor he's ever been to has been cool and funny.
Tom found it absurd that Jessica Simpson had a thing for the person who was named Employee of the Month at a Costco. Patton says that if that scenario ever happened, the person would be really creepy and sad instead of a model who would inspire you to drive your forklift faster. Patton pitches a premise for the next Robin Williams vehicle. He'd play a policeman who would try to change the 100-year tradition of constantly punching homeless people. Cue "I Feel Good" in the trailer. Tom points out that kids now only know the sound of vinyl from its use in movie trailers to convey some kind of narrative disruption/twist. Pattons imagines a trailer in which a character named Keith is excited about his Spring Break trip to Cabo, but a vinyl needle screech leads to the reveal that he somehow ended up in Warsaw, Poland. Cue Smashmouth's "All Star"!
Patton had done voiceover work for television cartoons, but it was a major jump to Pixar where everyone is the best in their field. He says it was intimidating, but also relaxing. He knew that writer/director Brad Bird would trick a good performance out of him, and the animators would then do an amazing job bringing it to the screen. Ratatouille took six years to make, and Patton came in after four years of work had been done. He learned that other people had the part before him, but he didn't ask who got dismissed. Tom suspects it was Charles Fleischer, and Patton heard rumors of James Gandolfini and all 38 members of The Polyphonic Spree. The band was unable to continue working on the project after they all died atop Mt. Everest in May 2006. Pixar was already skeptical of having Remy speak with the voice of an entire chorus.
The script evolved over the years, and in the early drafts, famous French chef Auguste Gusteau (Brad Garrett) was alive. In the beginning of the film, Remy learns of his death, but he has visions of his culinary hero, who serves as his floating Obi-Wan. Patton says that Colette Tatou (Janeane Garafalo), Gusteau's only female cook and Linguini's love interest, became a major character as the script went through rewrites. Patton did 15 voiceover sessions over the course of two years, and he originally had more scenes with other family members. These were eventually whittled down to focus on his brother, Émile (Peter Sohn), and his father, Django (food-loving character actor Brian Dennehy). He voiced scenes that further explored his finely-honed sense of smell and his ability to stealth cook.
Tom points out that Patton has now earned lifetime gig of calling people as Remy the Rat to earn some extra cash. Patton will get a list of 81 people to call by 4:00 p.m., including two kids with leukemia. He would have to fake his way through a call to Tyler, wishing him well at soccer practice and urging him to tell his friend Teisha to stop picking on him. Tom thinks he should part with "Remember: anyone can cook!" He says that Patton would have to tiptoe around the name ("Hey, it's your favorite rat!") to avoid getting sued by Pixar. Patton is giggling about his horrible future, but Tom assures it won't really turn out that way.
- Spike returns to ask Patton if he will do another sitcom or reality show. Patton has no plans to do another scripted show, although he's in the very early stages of developing a new television project. Tom asks Spike what reality show he would do about his life. He suggests Doo-Wop Dungeon or Trapped in the Basement Apartment, but Spike opts for Men Who Watch Soap Operas. Tom thinks it sounds like an interesting show, and Spike says it's an original concept. Tom thinks the Nobody Cares Channel might pick it up. The Shout! Network wouldn't even touch it. Tom GOMPs Spike again. Patton saw it coming, and he got all tingly watching Tom hover above the dump button. Tom gets e-mails from people saying they loved it when he hung up on them. They apologize for their GOMPed antics, even though Tom feels that he should be apologizing to THEM for being the horrible one.
- Rock Star (to his dad, at least) Ted Leo calls to convene a celebrity convention. Tom compares it to a panel on Politically Incorrect. Patton seems interested in ripping apart some headlines and sparing no Senator from their wrath. Ted tells Patton that he loved Ratatouille, and he was wondering if his collaboration with Brian Dennehy came about after he met him at the after-party for the London premiere of Batman Begins. Patton says it was just a random encounter a year before they actually worked together. He wishes he had the clout to tell Pixar that he would walk unless Dennehy voiced his dad in the film. Patton informs Ted that he went to college (University of Notre Dame) with his wife, Michelle. Patton prefers to reveal her last name off the air.
He praises Ted's glorious cover of The Gas Station Dogs' "Rock and Roll Dreams'll Come Through" during the 2007 WFMU marathon. Ted says it was the highlight of his year so far. Tom got choked up by it, especially since Ted memorized all of the lyrics. Ted says the tune is more ingrained in his mind then "Biomusicology", the leadoff track from his The Tyranny of Distance record. He just got back from a European tour, and he says that the main guy for one of the opening bands at a show in Galway, Ireland, was wearing a "Newbridge is for lovers" t-shirt. The Galwegian FOT threatened to play the Dworkin song, but didn't realize his rock 'n roll dreams on that night. Patton comments on the unreal beauty of the Galway, comparing it to being on a movie set. Ted says he'd walk around in the teeming rain with outstretched arms, yelling to the sky about how amazing it was. A jig-y Irish version of The Who's "Love Reign O'er Me" was the soundtrack to these lush landscapes. Patton performs a snippet of this version of the song.
Patton is planning to do the 8th Comedians of Comedy tour this fall, hitting 10 cities on both coasts. Since original CoCers Brian Hussein, Maria Bamford, and Zach Galifianakis are so busy, they will only open and close the tour. Patton hopes to attract acts like Eugene Mirman, Doug Benson, Morgan Murphy, Buzzy, Hard 'N Phirm, and Aziz Ansari for this incarnation of the tour. He thinks people have grown to trust the CoC brand as bringing the funny without any filler. Tom thinks Patton should bring some older comics like Tom Dreesen into the fold. Patton would prefer to book solid, less-ancient veterans like Brian Regan, Dom Irrera, and Dana Gould. Tom suggests comedy legend Robert Klein, who would likely lecture the youngsters about being on Nixon's enemies list. Since they are too young to know President Richard Nixon, they'd assume he made a crack about Elvis to Mojo Nixon. They would then beg him not to do the thing with the harmonica. Patton predicts that the running joke of the tour would be Klein trying to figure out which comic hid the instrument before a show. Klein would spent most of his down time yelling at his manager through a wall phone because he could not locate his prop. He would retaliate by revoking everyone's Cabaret Cards.
- Petey calls to give Patton his seal of approval. He thinks he's a funny guy. Tom thinks this means that Patton has finally arrived as a comedic talent. Petey thought Ratatouille was so inspirational that it kinda restored his faith in human life. Tom gets very close to dismissing Petey for calling on a crummy cell phone. He's gently stroking the button. Tom also found the film very inspiring, as well as mature in ways that a lot of "adult" movies are not. Petey agrees that the film grapples with some smart, heavy issues and leaves the viewer with something to think about. Petey wants to know if Patton and Tom inspire each other with their comedy stylings. Tom says that he was inspired after he saw Patton's crushing CoC set last year. Tom felt like he was watching a master take his stand-up to the next level. Petey thinks Tom and Patton should team up, but Tom has no interest in going up on stage. Petey says Tom could simply help write material for Patton to perform. Tom thinks Patton is doing well on his own, and Patton says he also has Al Boasberg supplying him with some additional gags.
Petey asks Patton if anything will ever come of the late, lamented Super Nerds, a pilot filmed for Comedy Central in 2000. The show revolved around the shenanigans of two comic book store clerks, played by Patton and Brian Hussein. Patton says that since it was done so long ago, they are trying to think of some different angles for a potential relaunch. Petey thought it was pretty funny, and he recommends taking it to the Intranet. Tom tells him that Patton is big enough to not have to resort to Web-based programming. Patton appreciates the compliment, but he doesn't want to be jinxed. Petey says he does things on the Intranet, and Tom doesn't feel that he needs to follow through with his retort (hint: "Exactly.") Patton thinks there's money to be made in those tubes. Petey points out that Tom has a significant online presence, but these initiatives serve to facilitate his other endeavors. Petey wishes Tom and Patton good luck in the comedy world. Patton loves how Petey sounds like he's falling asleep and crying at the same time. Tom says his longtime buddy will either end up being his employer or his executioner.
America has spoken: It wants a failure pile in a sadness bowl
- The non-famous Forrest in Manhattan calls to give Tom and Patton a break from all the bigwigs. Forrest just got Patton's fantastic new comedy record album Werewolves and Lollipops, and he really liked his spiel on KFC's "Famous Bowls". He understands the point about America's indiscriminate palette and general acceptance of quick, mediocre mush, but he wants to know if Patton has actually consumed the contents of one of these bowls. He has. Patton says the starch, sugar, and carbs initially made him very happy, but a half hour later he was stricken with a profound depression. Forrest refers to this sensation as the Super Size-Me syndrome. Patton will never have another Famous Bowl. KFC's new twist is to shove a biscuit in the side of the bowl, and Patton doubts this innovation originated in the corporate office. He suspects that they noticed that customers were adding a biscuit to their bowl order, so they figured out they could charge and extra $1 if they stuck it in there for them. Forrest thinks he will have to try one, and Patton tells him to follow it up by visiting some puppies or a watercolor painting session with children.
Tom wonders how cheese entered the equation because he thought the premise was to replicate Thanksgiving dinner in a bowl format with chicken replacing turkey as the poultry of choice. Patton says they've simply adapted that concept into the less refined "hot lump with cheese on top." Forrest starts improvising like a culinary Charlie Parker and adds some croutons to the mix. Tom wants him to bring a box of croutons to KFC. He thinks the bowls are the result of a cost-cutting move to save 75 cents per order rather than an actual decision by a KFC Food Designer. Patton says it was probably only 6 cents per order, but it was worth it because they could shift 1 billion bowls. He also notes that KFC patented the concave serving vessel so nobody can nick their bowls. Tom didn't eat one, but he still feels like he did and wishes that he didn't.
- Erika from Baltimore calls with a question about A Special Thing, a popular comedy message board where she posts as the vowel-free "crlygrl". She was wondering how Patton first discovered the site, which has spawned his epic Q&A thread. Patton says Brian Posehn first turned him onto it 2001 when it was still a Tenacious D fansite. It gradually evolved into a CREEM magazine for the West Coast comedy scene, home to young Lester Bangses banging out reviews and commentaries on what they were seeing. ("Too bad you missed comedy, man!") Patton started posting in late 2003 when he was called a sellout for staying on King of Queens for more than one season. He jousted with a guy who kept giving a hard time for having a swimming pool and being able to remotely lock his car. He had a circa-1960s idea that these supposed luxuries meant Patton was a jillionaire. Erika says she had never been into message boards before, but now A Special Thing is Her Favorite Thing. She's glad Patton is a part of it, and Patton was pleased to talk to crlygrl.
Werewolves and Lumberjacks: Patton Oswalt's labelmate Tad Doyle digs for your soul
Patton's hott new CD is out today on the Sub Pop label, fulfilling his lifelong dream to share a spot on a roster that includes Blood Circus and Tad. Patton says the guys from Tad and Soul Asylum chain-whipped him as he proceeded down the gauntlet of the Hall of Champions. At one point, Juliana Hatfield hit him with a ping-pong paddle. Tom dares to put Werewolves and Lollipops right next to Paul F. Tompkins' airtight, all-meat-and-no-filler Impersonal atop the mountain of 2007
comedy releases. Tom hasn't heard Kelly Clarkson's My December yet. He plans to chew on that one all summer. Patton recommends giving it a spin while he's on the elliptical machine tomorrow. The Werewolves and Lollipops set comes with a bonus DVD featuring Patton wandering around and performing a warm-up gig in Athens, Ga. The final album was culled from five different Scotch-fueled shows.
- No-Name calls to say that Patton kilt it when he saw him open a few shows on Michael Penn and Aimee Mann's Acoustic Vaudeville tour. He was wondering about the origins of Patton's relationship with the musical power couple. Patton met them at Largo, and they become really good friends. They would enlist other comedians to open for them like PFT and Andy Kindler, and Patton was available for their inaugural Vaudeville jaunt. The tour hit Galway, Ireland, a exceedingly gorgeous place Tom has never seen.
- Laurie in Miami calls to talk about comic books since Patton is such a huge fan. She wants to know if Patton is equally disappointed with Countdown, the weekly DC Universe crossover series that launched in early May. Patton thinks it's okay and has some good writers, but he's not really into it. Laurie thinks it needs a mad scientist island subplot like 52. Patton didn't like 52 either. He has been unwillingly dragged into a comic fight! Patton adopts a super nerdy voice and directs Laurie's attention to World War Hulk. Laurie is not enjoying that at all, and Tom alerts everyone to the sharpened mylar boards that are flying around. Patton fires a few HeroClix and thanks Nerd Girl for calling. Tom asks Patton if it's a burden being known as a comic book enthusiast. Patton says he enjoys reading them, but the fun is kinda ruined when he talks about them out loud. He says it's bad enough that he argues about shows like Lost and The Wire, but when phrases like "Batman would never do that!" come out of his skull, he wants to kill himself.
Patton says he likes being up in the submarine because this is how he always envisioned the WFMU studio. He's been listening to The Best Show since 2003 when Whirlyball Illustrated's Henry Owings started playing him CDs on a drive from Athens to Atlanta. Patton says that Owings, who produced Werewolves and Lollipops, is a hub person who connects a lot of coolness while being cool himself. He laughed so hard at "The Gas Station Dogs" from New Hope for the Ape-Eared that he had trouble breathing. Patton says that Best Buy just asked him to name his favorite comedy tracks, and he put Dworkin at #1. Tom is a fan of Best Buy. He goes in on Tuesdays, gets the circular, finds the loss leaders, and gets out. They think they can lure people in with an $11.99 DVD and get you to buy something at a normal price, but that s hit doesn't work on Tom.
Tom mentions that Amazon will not make any money on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows due to online price wars. He will generally take advantage of the heavily discounted pre-order prices online, and then buy normal books at a brick-and-mortar bookstore owned by an actual human. Patton can only enjoy his books if he knows they were on a forklift in a warehouse at some point in their lives. Patton knows that the new film, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, comes out this week because he just shared The Tonight Show couch with Daniel Radcliffe, the young, charming, giggly British man who plays the title role. The final book will be unleashed on July 21st, the day after man walked on the moon. Pattons considers this to be a real slap in the face to America. Tom will sit this one out. He will not regret not reading/seeing the Harry Potter series when he's on his death bed. Tom bought the first book at Costco for $8, but he bailed after 50 pages. He never even left the train station of normal England to get to all the Cribbitch matches and cloud-walking spells. He wanted to make room for all the great books he hasn't read, although he's since read stuff that is a little worse than the Potter series. Patton adopts the persona of Harry Potter and suggests that Tom is indifferent to his literary journey because he's yet to see his singing bag. Tom asks Patton-as-Potter if he really owns a singing bag. He's not sure, but he imagines he does.
- A caller knows that Patton is into the culinary arts, so he wants to know if he has any plans to open a restaurant. Patton says that would be a terrible idea because he can't cook. The caller seems to suggest that Patton's appearance on Emeril Live indicates that he's a trained chef, but Patton says he just sat at the counter and ate the stuff Emeril made. He didn't go near the kitchen. Patton would consider opening a restaurant where he could heat and serve microwave dinners. Tom recommends a location in Brooklyn. Patton would allow diners to select a Lean Cuisine®, such as a nice Spa Classic, and then he would make it for them. I think Patton should consult with Thomas Keller on this concept. Tom thinks that everyone in Williamsburg would head over to Patton's Big Bowl of Irony after the kickball game to pay $19 for a TV dinner because they can't get those at any of the filthy bodegas that serve as their "grocery stores".
- Robin from New York calls after being inspired to join the fun by fellow AST-er crlygrl. She uses the handle "smartbunny" on the board, and Patton is embarrassed to admit that he didn't know this bunny was a girl. She thanks Patton for always answering questions and being cool on AST and says hello to Grumpus, his dog back in California. Tom has met this nice little dog. He claims to have seen Patton give him a forceful, elevated foot shove (known as a "boot" in some circles) across the house when he wanted to go outside. Patton says he'd never do that to Grumpus, who is eight little mini-muffins with a puppy head on top. He also calls the dog Sir Grumps-a-Lot, Grumperbutt, Mr. Whiskers, Gus The Mouse, Sir Fluffybottom, Grumpalumpalus, and Grumpmandu.
- Someone very important calls (starts at 1:46) with a question for actor Patton Oswalt. He wants to know if Patton is interested in taking his career up like 10,000 notches. Tom correctly guesses that it's Philly Boy Roy, but PBR informs the host that his new name is Roydon Ziegler I. He's addressing Tom as "host" tonight despite having talked to him 81 times. As everyone knows by now, Roydon is the CEO of Wawa Records & Filmed Entertainment, Inc, and he says his movies and the records are popping. Roydon tells Patton that he loved him in Ratalouie, and he reminds the host that last week he had a false start with the Pixar smash. He accidentally saw Mr. Brooks, which he also loved.
He corrected his mistake this week, and he especially loved the scene where Ratalouie goes to Canada to point out how much better their health care system is compared to ours. Patton decides to let Tom address this one because he doesn't want to come off as angry. Roydon tells him not to be angry because he was blown away by the film. He says he's never had health insurance so he found the film to be very illuminating on the issues involved. Tom asks Roydon if the film he saw was animated. He says "not really." Tom wants him to describe the look of the main character he's calling Ratalouie. Roydon says he's big and always dresses in jeans and a baseball cap. Patton confirms that this Ratalouie is a human being. Tom thinks he may be referring to portly documentarian Michael Moore. Roydon says this same Ratalouie visited the guy who was the main monkey in Planet of the Apes in his film about bowling. Patton just comes out with it: Roydon saw Michael Moore's SiCKO. Roydon doesn't know what that is, and he's surprised he saw the wrong movie again. He says there were also rats in SiCKO. The rats appeared on the screen and in his pants.
Tom suspects that Roydon once again decided to take something before the screening. Roydon asks Tom to define "take". Tom asks him if he ingested any chemical enhancements besides the popcorn and the Frank's soda. Roydon admits to taking mushrooms and "microdots". He says the latter were responsible for the hallucinations this time. Tom asks him why he's increasing his drug use as an adult. Roydon says he's just trying to keep it real like he always did. Patton supports his commitment to cinema, and Roydon wonders what the host is doing to support the art form. Patton points out that Tom saw Ratalouie because he took him to a free screening. Roydon doubts that the host would have gone otherwise. He also bets that the host has never paid for a movie in the last 15 years after operating on the inside of the biz. Tom says he's really wrong about that, and Roydon wants to roll on.
Roydon tells Patton that he's also a big fan of his father and brother. Patton thinks this is odd because they are not in show business as far as he knows. Roydon tells him that they are because his father, Dick Van Patten, appeared on Eight Is Enough, one of his favorite shows of all-time. Patton points out that the sitcom patriarch's last is "Patten" while his first name is "Patton". He was named after legendary U.S. Army General George S. Patton. Roydon wonders about Patton's brother Vince Van Patten from the cult classic Class of 1984. Patton says that he's Dick Van Patten's son and also not a relation. Roydon says he doesn't like Patton's brother Lee Harvey Oswalt. Patton says the Presidential assassin's last name is actually "Oswald". Roydon says that what he did was wrong, and he think he knows it. Tom notes that Roydon is going out on a limb in a rare political commentary. Patton appreciates the energy that Roydon put into researching his bio. Roydon thinks the host failed to do any research on his guest. Patton says that Tom was unprepared for the interview other than kind of knowing he had a new album out. Roydon did the work. Tom says he'll take the hits when he's wrong. Roydon thinks he deserves them.
Patton is strapped in for Roydon's proposal, and he claims to be wearing his helmet. Roydon asks the host to confirm, and Tom says that he does in fact have a figurative helmet. Roydon doesn't know what that means, but it sounds like he's got it on. Roydon has one word for Patton: Rambocky. He can't believe nobody has ever thought of this movie because it's the ultimate recipe for box office gold. As the title suggests, it combines two of the best characters in the history of film into one. John Rambo + Rocky Balboa = Rambocky. Tom thinks it's pretty good; Patton thinks it's awesome. Roydon says he will provide the film's "logline", and he doubts Tom has ever heard this kind of movie talk. Patton says some L.A. associates frequently use the term. Rambocky: A second-rate boxer from Philly gets a once-in-a-lifetime shot at the heavyweight title, but the day before the fight he's gotta go to Vietcong to rescue one of his fellow ex-Green Berets from a prison camp. Tom thinks that sounds really stupid, but Patton wants him to let Roydon finish. Roydon says Rambocky will have to fight off those Chinese guys, rescue his buddy, and return home in time to fight The Champ.
Patton has some notes on a few story points, and Roydon is excited to start riffing on ideas. Patton wants to know if Rambocky will use a machine gun or his boxing skills during his rescue efforts in Vietcong. Roydon says that Rambocky will draw on both parts of his character. He will wear satin boxing shorts, boxing gloves, a makeshift headband, and a machine gun. Roydon says Rambocky will wear the machine gun around his buff chest. Patton asks him how he will fire the machine gun with boxing gloves. Roydon says that he will pull the trigger with little prongs that he's made. Patton thinks this is clearly a role for someone like Sly Stallone, so while he's flattered to get the pitch, he doesn't see how he fits into the film. Roydon hopes that Patton didn't think he would be playing Rambocky. He cackles at the thought. Patton would be playing Gus, his 70-year-old trainer. That's right -- Roydon Ziegler I is Rambocky. Tom points out that Roydon is not exactly buff, but he says he will be by the time shooting begins. (I'd recommend casting Joff Stallone as one of the Chinese captors.)
Patton, 38, wonders how he will assume the role of a much older man. Since he never saw President Baseball, Roydon tells him that Brendan Fraser played a character in his early 60s without any makeup in the little-seen Shout! film. He took Oldzonareveren, a medicine rapidly speeds up the aging process. Patton would take this same drug to play Gus. He wants to know if it's safe, and Roydon asks him to define that word. Patton wants to know exactly what the drug does to him internally to make him look elderly on the outside. Roydon says they haven't really proven what it does inside, but there are some known side-effects: dehydration, constipation, heart stoppage, and leg cramps. Patton says it doesn't sound any worse than what Youngoproxin to get back. Patton assumes the reversal drug has no side-effects, but Roydon needs a definition of "no". Patton wants to confirm that once he takes it, he'll go back to normal without any medical problems. Roydon says "possibly". Patton wants a definition, and Roydon says that it has a 15% chance of working. Tom thinks that Gus better be a juicy part considering the health risks involved. Patton thinks Gus may just be in some of the opening scenes before disappearing, but Roydon says that Gus appears throughout the film. Since the script ain't all the way done yet, Roydon thought he and Patton could improv a scene. Patton references Christopher Guest, and Roydon is agreeable to guessing what the other person will say.
PFC Buzz Blotzer watches his shelter go up in flames after Rambocky mistakes it for a Vietcong base camp
Roydon sets the scene: Gus (Patton Oswalt) and Rambocky (Roydon Ziegler I) are cutting their way through the Vietcong jungle trying to reach the prison camp. It's really hot, and they ain't ate nothing for a couple of days. Roydon and Patton start really getting into their characters.
Rambocky: Hey, Gus ...
Gus: Yeah, Rambocky?
Rambocky: The prison camp must be around here. I can hear nem Chinese guys beatin' on nem drums.
Gus: You gotta stay focused, Rambocky --
Rambocky: I'm tryin' ...
Gus: Don't let those guys, uh, mess with your head. Focus on the mission, and focus on the big fight!
Rambocky: Hey, speakin' of the big fight ...
Gus: Yeah, Rambocky ...
Rambocky: Before we go storm the camp --
Gus: Yeah ...
Rambocky: Can you hold my feet down so I can do some sit-ups?
Gus: You got it, Rambocky!
Rambocky: I mean, the fight's tomorrow, I don't wanna get knocked out in the first round.
Gus: Alright, but you just rememba ...
Rambocky: Yeah ...
Gus: ... that when you're doing them sit-ups ...
Rambocky: Okay ...
Gus: ... that I want you to think ... every third sit-up, punch yourself in the stomach.
Gus: Count 'em off!
(Rambocky strains to complete the sit-ups)
Rambocky: One ... two ... three -- AHHHH!
Gus: There you go, Rambocky.
Rambocky: Hey, Gus ...
Gus: Yeah, Rambocky?
Rambocky: You get anymore of nem raw eggs? It's about time for one of my protrein drinks.
Gus: Rambocky, we ain't eaten in three days, there's ain't no food in this jungle. And there certainly ain't eggs!
Rambocky: I know ... hey, speakin' of food ..
Rambocky: If you could have any kinda hoagie in the world right now, what would it be?
Gus: Uh ... you know, Rambocky, we're kind of in the jungle, you're trying to rescue your friend, you got the fight going on, and I really ... I wouldn't --
Rambocky: 'Cause you know what I would have?!
Gus: What would you have, Rambocky?
Rambocky: Footlong. Provolone. Ham. Bolona. Onions. Banana peppers. Extra oregano, extra mayo, lettuce, Peanut Chews ...
Gus: Uh, okay, Rambocky.
Rambocky: I'm startin' to fade, Gus.
Gus: You know what? If we rescue your friend, I'll make sure to buy you all the footlong Provolone subs you want!
Roydon thinks the improv was great. As far as he's concerned Patton is Gus! Tom congratulates him on landing the part, and Roydon can't wait to tell TLS. Horror director Trent L. Strauss is attached to direct Rambocky. Patton thinks the scene still needs some work because it went in 11 different directions. He advises Roydon to focus on making the main character more believable. Patton points out that Rambocky is a "two-buy film" -- the audience has to buy that he's a boxer and that he's a military operative out in the jungle. He'd cut all the stuff about hoagies and raw eggs. Roydon isn't quite following his notes because he's still trying to spell "buy". He knows that there are apparently two of those in the film. Tom thinks the movie is in a lot of trouble due to its substantial jumps in logical storytelling. He tried to be objective about it, but he doesn't think Trent L. Strauss has the subtle directorial hands required to handle the tricky material. Roydon thinks Tom is nuts because he's seen this subtlety on display in the Face Peelers series.
Patton says he's seen a lot of really violent films, including the work of Takashi Miike, but he's never been able to make it all the way through a Strauss film. Roydon doesn't care if he's seen Takai's movies. Patton doesn't think fans of Rocky and Rambo are ready for such extreme genre fare. Patton and Tom are also concerned about how Roydon obtained the rights to merge these two iconic characters. Roydon says he doesn't need the rights. Tom says he does, and Roydon asks him where he should get them. Tom explains that Rocky and Rambo are intellectual properties owned by movie studios. Roydon points out that they don't own his Rambocky adaptation. He does. Tom thinks he's headed for yet another lawsuit.
Roydon has some criticism for Patton, who is very open to it. He thinks that Patton needs to start taking actor lessons if he's going to portray Gus in the film. Roydon has been training under the expert tutelage of Burt Newsom. The acting coach has trained all of the greats, including Steven Van Zandt, his wife, Maureen Van Zandt, and Greyson Fletcher, who plays Shaun Yost on HBO's John From Cincinatti. Tom thinks Fletcher is one of the worst actors he's ever seen in anything ever. Roydon is shocked to hear this. Patton wants to know if Newsom is officially employed by Wawa Records & Filmed Entertainment, Inc. He doesn't know much about the company because he's currently repped by CAA. Patton gives them a B-, so he's interested to hear what Wawa could offer him. Roydon considers signing with CAA to help him get other film parts. In addition to his executive duties, he now considers himself to be a working actor. And a working composer. He wrote a theme for Rambocky called "Tiger Eyes Are Flying High Now", a thinly-veiled mash-up of Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III and Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)". He sings a bit of his tune:
It's nem punches flyin'
It's the thrill of the chase
Rising up to kill all our rivals
And the last known prizefighter stands in the middle of the ring
And the tigers are flying high now
Won't be long now
Gonna kill ... kiiill ... KIIIIILL ... and box
Tom commends Roydon for bringing the same presence to his songwriting that he brought to his improv acting moments earlier. Roydon thanks him for the praise. Patton was impressed by how deftly he combined two songs he really likes. Roydon can only explain his feat by noting that he's a Renaissance man.
Patton thinks "Tiger Eyes Are Flying High Now" is one of the best theme songs he's heard since Bruce Springsteen's "Streets of Philadelphia" for the film Philadelphia. Roydon tells Patton not to mention that song. Patton thinks it's The Boss just bringing it right home, but Roydon asks him what is wrong with that equation. Tom knows the answer -- Springsteen is a hated Jersey legend who invaded Roydon's hallowed stomping grounds. Roydon says he was able to get his licks in by appearing in the video. When Springsteen passed a playground in South Philly, Roydon mooned the camera from a nearby hilltop. He was blurred out in the final version. He shows up again holding a license plate that also had to be obscured. Roydon wants to reveal what was on it, but Tom is sure that it's unfit for the airwaves because it starts with "NJ." He wants to at least spell it because it's kind of his crowning achievement pre-Rambocky. Roydon covered up the plate in question with another one that said "Jersey Devil Rules." He whipped that off in time for the film crew to capture his vanity hate plate attack on Stink City.
Speaking of plates, Tom mentions that Roydon has a lot of them in the air right now. He also has a lot of fires and a lot of irons. Patton asks him how he gets the energy to be so productive. Roydon keeps that a secret, but he comes down from his high with a new lip balm called "Blue." He's attending a "Blue Party" thrown by M. Morning Shyamalan, the younger brother of M. Night, in about five minutes. Tom asks Roydon if Morning's also a filmmaker, but he wants Tom to define "film." Tom defines it as "motion pictures", and Roydon says he sort of does that. He starts laughing and says that his work is shown in places that are kind of unsavory. Tom doesn't want any further details. Roydon says he goes to them sometimes, and he's not pleased that Tom and Patton are judging him for it.
Tom urges Roydon to research the legalities of his upcoming Wawa slate, which includes a live Rolling Stones bootleg that he recorded in 1981. Patton agrees that Roydon has no ownership rights to this music. Roydon says they are not the first people to tell him this. He doesn't appear to be worried. Patton feels that if Roydon can somehow pull off Rambocky, it could be epic. Roydon agrees with everything Patton said except for the word "could." He replaces it with "will be." Tom tells Roydon to consult with a lawyer (something tells me that this lawyer will reside in the Ziegler household) before moving forward with the project. Roydon thinks Tom needs to consult the text of his recent back tattoo: "My Life Is Perfect, Nothing Could Ever Ever Possibly Go Wrong". Patton asks Roydon if he will be shirtless in Rambocky. Of course he will. Patton wonders how the makeup department will deal with this expansive body art. Roydon thinks it could be covered with some paste. Patton doesn't think that will do the job. Roydon asks Patton how they deal with his back tattoo when he's shirtless in a movie. Patton says that producers are wise enough to have him keep his clothes on because his torso looks like Walter Matthau's face. Roydon thinks that's a movie right there. He's not sure if it would be called Backface or Faceback.
Patton gives Roydon the idea to write the tattoo into the script and make it a significant part of the Rambocky backstory. He likes it, but he doesn't want to have to give Patton a writing credit. Patton lets him have it because he's used to punching up scripts sans credit. His punch-ups include Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Shrek, The La-Z-Boy Killer, and various Farrelly Brothers movies. Patton says he would like to get some money for his Rambocky work, and Roydon assumes he'll need it to maintain his lavish lifestyle. He heard him talking about his pool. Patton says it's just a regular pool, and it doesn't mean that he's rich. Roydon asks him if the pool contains a dingy. Patton says it wouldn't fit, but Roydon was talking about a kid dingy. Tom and Patton point out that a dingy is more suitable for an ocean, and Roydon was unaware that he was talking to two Ivy Leaguers that know everything. Tom says he doesn't know anything about anything and never purported to be smart. Roydon tells the host to shut up and tells the actor that he's taking the deal off the table. He's receiving the deal. Patton is upset and asks for 12 hours to think about the offer. Roydon makes a bold power move and only gives him 11. Patton says that Roydon really knows how to handle actors. Roydon tells him that he can be reached at his home office -- the Wawa in Roxboro. He no longer works actual shifts, but he does lord all over the place, yelling and forcing people to make him sandwiches. Roydon says it's great. Tom can see impending doom from a mile away, but Roydon is convinced that it's always gonna be the same and never gonna be no different. He says later to the host, and he hopes to talk to Patton soon. He tells Patton that his 11 hours start right
now. Roydon hangs up. Patton thinks the right move for Tom is to become Roydon's friend. Tom thinks he's cruising for a disaster, but Patton sees some potential in his abundant enthusiasm and energy. Tom says it's childlike. Patton imagines that David Geffen and Michael Eisner were the same way when they started out in the entertainment business. Tom doubts that they ever worked at a Wawa. He also makes a distinction between being childlike and childish, noting a definite streak of the latter in Roydon. Patton points out that Jeffrey Katzenberg hangs the phone up in the same manner as Roydon just did. When he's done with you, he's done.
- Patton says he just sent "Weird Al" Yankovic the complete set of S&W CDs, and he loves them. Tom asks Mike to remind him to delete four shows from the archives to avoid upsetting his new buddy.
[MORE TO COME??]
Jamie Lee Curtis has a terrorrorist's mind!!!!
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom's nephew gets GOMPed for his Calamity Jane impression, Philly Boy Roy laments the unprecedented ineptitude of his Phillies, and Pinkhamster & The Shine-Shine Boys get hauled off to the dump for their "Mr. Grouchy Tuff Guy" tune (think Green Jellÿ meets late-period Urge Overkill) in the triumphant return of Smash or Trash!