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Love Is Long.

"What if I was laying on the floor here, dead. A heart attack. You're just gonna let that go by? You don't think I know it's skippin'? A test. That was a test. And you all failed." -- Tom on his harrowing nine minutes alone with Paul and Linda
"Yeah, the onus is also on you to do other things, like WASH." -- Tom, refusing to accept responsibility for convincing people to have proper grooming habits
"In the killing Tom primaries, he's Dennis Kucinich." -- Tom on Spike's minor threat in his death sweepstakes
"Yeah, we're only in a war right now. Let's hand it over to people putting up things of people throwing bottle rockets into bathroom stalls. Videotaping toilets exploding. Great." -- Tom on holding a Democratic Presidental debate on YouTube
"You're not even fighting yet, and you're screaming!" -- Tom on the his unpleasant, seven-minute, advance screening of the 300 DVD
"I think he ran out of amazing at some point." -- Tom on David Milch leaving all the good monologues in Deadwood (Mr. Wu's pigs ate the remainders)
"I'm not sure if this is worth it. They're just hot dogs." -- Jedediah, questioning his decision to wait in line for an hour to get a $7 snack at the Siren Festival
"What's that, Scraps? What? Scream in an old man's face? Uh, that's wrong. That's wrong, Scraps. What? I don't have any choice in the matter? Yes, Scraps, you are my master. I will do as you say." -- Rob in Jersey City, receiving orders from his dog
"I heard how you got your show. You got your show because of ectoplasm." - Bob on Tom's privileged rise to radio glory
"Does he grow his hair out like Eddie Van Halen? Does he wear a weird kimono and leopard-skin shirt? For shame. You're an adult." -- Tom, wondering how far a caller is taking his fascination with his current guitar hero
"He's got a point. The music you play does stink. -- Bob, agreeing with a caller who referred to WFMU as "atonal garbage"
"Don't be surprised if you look out your window there and there's like this mob with torches trying to force you out and force me in." -- Bob, warning Tom about the ramifications of his take on Lindsay Lohan
"You know, Tom, just like you, I don't wear underwear half the time I go out in public, but most people would never know about it because I don't go showing it." -- Bob, showing some restraint compared to young Hollywood's exhibitionism
"Hold on. Bob, was that recorded?" -- Tom, expressing doubt about whether Bob delivered a live take due to volume rides and tape hiss
"I hate Kevin Smith! Oh, Paul F. Topkins, you're the greatest. Patton Oswald, you were awesome in Rat Patrol. Hesh, you stink! Petey's weird." -- Bob, mocking Tom with a summary of his on-air stylings
"In the late 70s, I practically lived at Newbridge Nights, discoing 'till dawn, flying on cocaine and "White Licorice", Newbridge's best designer speed." -- Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"During the 80s, yeah, you could find me headbangin' to Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and White Tyger at the Newbridge Coliseum, drunk out of my mind on Kernvoisier and soda." - Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"Man, I got so far into "Black Fudge", Newbridge's purest smack, during the mid-90s, they used to call me Dr. Fudge down at the Grunge Pit." -- Bob on one phase of his extensive drug history
"I wouldn't be surprised if the government made "blue" mandatory at some point in the future, but until then I'll be purchasing this life-saving product from the fine folks at Das Sieben Und Der Elf." -- Bob, downplaying the seriousness of the latest Newbridge epidemic
"If I hear one more crybaby going on about "blood for oil", I'm gonna turn this place into a car wash." -- Bob, retroactively supporting the 1991 Persian Gulf War
"MTV just isn't the same since you left. Sure, this new guy Smash is incredible, but he doesn't ooze sex like you do ... Speaking of oozing, I was wondering if I could put my--" -- Bob, recording an audio love letter to former VJ Nina Blackwood
"I went back to my apartment and called Ian and explained that I thought I was being asked to audition for Black Flag. And after that my roommate ... Damn, it's the wrong .. AHHH! AHHHHH! DAMN IT!" -- Bob, accidentally getting in the van instead of revealing his mayubernatorial platform
"Zing! I won. Show stinks. You're terrible." -- Thor in Eastbridge, declaring tonight's "yawnfest" worse than Tom doing a set of push-ups over the airwaves


[TBSOWFMU - 7/24/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]


F*cked Up - "Invisible Leader"

( Click here to buy Hidden World)

The Trashies - "Tanktop Sunburn"

( Click here to buy What Makes A Man Get Trashed?)

Naked Raygun - "I Don't Know"

( Click here to buy Throb Throb)

Jawbox - "Cooling Card"

( Click here to buy For Your Own Special Sweetheart)

Jawbreaker - "Fireman"

( Click here to buy Dear You)

Mitch Easter - "Time Warping"

( Click here to buy Dynamico)

Nutria - "Under The Clay"

( Click here to buy Metronome/Cheef)

The Detroit Cobras - "(If You Don't Think) You Better Change" (Tammy Montgomery cover)

( Click here to buy Tied & True)

Bonus Track:

Minutemen - "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (Van Halen cover)

( Click here to buy Double Nickels on the Dime)


Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

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Tom loses his perfect game during the opening music set when Paul and Linda McCartney's "Long Haired Lady" skips for nine minutes before someone finally called to alert him to the defect. He had a shot at it, but it's foiled by his longtime, lead-in foe: a scratchy record. Tom will have to settle for a radio no-hitter because slob DJs let the Ram disc fall on the floor and did a little dance on top of it. Tom says the no-hitter is still intact since the skippage is the equivalent of a walk. I did the research, and I'm officially scoring it as an E-Charlie.

Tom compares the feel of the show to when you restart NBA Live because you can't obliterate the other team by 75 points. Then again, he hasn't played that in years. Tom's done with video games because he's not a kid anymore. Video game time, much like clowntime, is ova. Tom says the 14-minute extended remix of the Paul tune was a test that everyone failed. He may go home because he's so disappointed by the lack of regard for his well-being. He could have been held at gunpoint by Stevie Blue, or a drunken Hesh could have stormed into the studio with a bomb strapped to his chest to retaliate for last week's mockery. Tom points out that he probably would have already heard about this plot on the news because Hesh would have blown himself up in his basement apartment due to faulty wiring and premature detonation. Oh, Hesh. Tom later admits to getting sad when Hesh revealed he had no friends.

Mike the Associate Producer says he pitched a no-hitter in Little League, and he's still bringing it hard on the softball diamond. He almost threw a shutout in softball, which is impressive because any slob can get a hit in offense-friendly slow-pitch. Tom hopes Mike will catch his no-hitter tonight. The Yogi Berra to his almost Don Larsen. Tom saw visions of perfection when he was driving to the station, but it was not meant to be. He points out that there's only so many times Thomas Maximus can step into the ring and fight. He'll eventually fall dead due to trickery or foul play like that creep Commodus offing his father in Gladiator because he did not love him as much as Maximus. Tom will meet his demise atop a poisoned knife.

The exciting pre-topic portion of the program arrives, and Mike will not go out on a limb and promise hott callers. It could be a series of bloop singles to break up the no-no. Tom vows to burn through these brave few with a little chin music.

- Longtime listener Dante from Toronto rolls the dice with a gutsy Best Show debut. Last week Tom talked about about how he didn't like the young guys with the beards, and he's prepared to argue in support of 23-year-olds walking around with full beards. Dante argues that he doesn't need to provide a reason for growing a beard because it just happens naturally. He thinks the onus is on Tom to convince people to shave and waste five minutes of their morning every day. Tom counters by saying that shaving prevents you from looking like a slob. Dante has a beard, but it's neatly trimmed. Tom asks him why he doesn't just let it grow and then strikes him out with a high hard one before he can respond. He thinks Dante's point is as absurd as arguing that everyone is naturally filthy so they need to be convinced to take a shower. Tom advises Canada to take care of Dante since he's misrepresenting the country on the radio.

- Jake from Rockaway, N.J., steps into the batter's box with an answer to a question Tom raised six (nine!) months ago. Uh oh. The count is already 0-2. He mentions that Tom was flabbergasted that Jim Cramer was name-dropping "indie bands" (The Dead Boys and Rocket From The Tombs) on Mad Money. Jake says the musical references came from the younger mind of Cramer's secret weapon -- his nephew Cliff Mason, a 2007 Harvard grad who is the head writer for the show. Tom tells Jake that the mystery was solved in the New York cover story on Cramer. Strike 3! Jake tried to sneak in some Cramer trivia as "better late than never", but Tom painted the outside corner and caught him looking at old news.

- Jeff in Dallas apologizes for being presumptuous pre-topic, but he also has a follow-up to last week's facial hair talk. He was at a bookstore with his ladyfriend this past weekend amidst the throngs lining up to buy the new Harry Potter book. He saw a gentlemen who was drawing attention to himself by yelling at the people around him. He had big, bushy, unkempt hair and beard, but sported a meticulously-sculpted Rollie Fingers mustache. The clothes were also sloppy. It was sloppy everywhere except the few inches above his lip, the lone focal point of his grooming. That was his masterpiece. Strike 3! Tom strikes out the side! Now I know why some people call Tom the "Goose Gossage of community broadcasting"! The Kid strutted to the mound from the bullpen to throw some heat before settling into the show proper. I haven't seen fastballs like this since VP Lon Chaney threw out the first pitch at that Washington Nationals game in the spring of '06.

- Eddie in Long Beach calls to say he's enjoying a cool evening with a nice breeze. Tom wants to know what he had for dinner. Eddie says his wife made a roast, and Tom tells him to shut up. A rare four-batter inning, and a rarer four strikeouts. Now it's the bottom half of the inning, and The Kid is stepping up to the plate to the sounds of horse racing music. I was surprised Tom's entrance music wasn't something from the Volcano Suns catalog or Dokken's "Breaking The Chains". I once lost a bet with a friend and had to use Paul Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" as my entrance music for an entire Little League playoff game. I hit for the cycle, we won the game, and I was back to "Crazy Train" for the championship.

- Mike calls to get his props for calling about the skipping music record. Tom gives him a prop, and Mike says that's enough. Tom says that's like getting props for being a gentlemen and not punching women in the face. He thinks everyone should have called in case he was being held captive in the studio. Tom has always said that Stevie Blue is the frontrunner in his death sweepstakes, but he's been MIA since this past Valentine's Day when he treated everyone to a taste of "Chocolate Covered Hearts". He's also leery of Spike, but he considers him the Dennis Kucinich of the killing Tom primaries. Tom is more concerned about Hesh. The new rankings of Tom's potential murderers:

1. Stevie Blue
2. Hesh
3. Captain Jack
4. Spike

My wild card picks: Brock Peuchk and Roy, Jr. A few months ago, I would have said Werner and Rutager, but my guess is that they've mellowed quite a bit since switching from rails to "blue". They'd murder Tom if they weren't always about to fall asleep.



Speaking of primaries, Tom says it was very classy to put a Democratic debate on YouTube, the website responsible for hosting video clips of dogs riding skateboards, old ladies falling down stairs, and bottle rockets exploding inside toilets. He thinks this is the appropriate venue to help shape the future of America during wartime. Tom actually thinks it's shameful and embarrassing. He bailed after being asked to entertain an animated snowman worrying about global warming melting his sun 2.5 years before the general election. Tom doesn't think people should treat politicians like Gods, but he also doesn't want them treated like the cast of MAD Magazine TV. Tom isn't interested in assessing Barack Obama's improv skills. From what I've heard, he had a brief, tumultuous stint at Second City in the 1980s. He left the troupe after a mysterious rift with Richard Kind and Bonnie Hunt. Tom thinks the debate organizers should have just have sent Stuart Larkin up to the dais to see how the candidates rolled with questions from some human characters. He also can't believe MAD Magazine TV is still on the air. For the next debate, Tom proposes starting it on The Daily Show, carrying it over into The Colbert Report, and then ending with Mind of Mencia. He thinks Carlos Mencia would be an effective moderator. Future online debates would take place on Perez Hilton, TMZ, and 18 Rabbits.

300.jpg

- Last week, Tom went to a video store, a lone rogue indie still surviving amidst the Hollywood and Blockbuster juggernaut. He points out that some of these smaller boutiques will often have a little alcove with one rack of old mainstream releases like K-9 with an arrow that points to the Bella Union saloon doors containing a robust adult section that takes up 95% of the floor space. However, this video store is a real store that carries a variety of new releases for the whole family. A few weeks ago, the proprietor had Zodiac on the shelf even though it was officially released today on DVD. Tom already saw it in the theater, so he didn't rent it. Last week, the guy had 300 on the shelf two weeks early. Tom says he's not sure if it's illegal, but video store owners certainly are not supposed to be doing it. The hammer might eventually come down.

Tom avoided the film in the theaters because it looked completely moronic and the CGI in the trailer was horrible, but now he was drawn to it because the store beat street. His mind was telling him to skip it, but his hand was gripping the widescreen DVD. Tom took it to the counter to pull the trigger, and the guy bragged about being the only exclusive store to rent 300 for the next two weeks. Tom's not sure if the guy has some kind of exclusive deal with Sony, but he doesn't think he should brag about defying official release dates. Tom discovers that it's only a one-day rental, so he has to hustle to watch 300 in the next 24 hours. As he walked to the car, his mind was telling him to return it now and absorb the cost because he knew it wasn't worth watching. Tom put it in later that night and shut it off after 7 minutes because it was mind-numbingly bad just like he expected. In additional to the bad CGI, everyone was screaming at the top of their lungs before any battles took place. In one very early scene, some guy spouts some garbage about hoping the Spartans will surrender, and he gets slow-motion kicked into a hate pit. Tom reached for the remote and opened the drawer, bypassing pause or stop. He wanted it out of his DVD player immediately. This leads to tonight's topic: You mind says STOP! Your body keeps going. Tom says he doesn't want to hear about any Gentlemen’s Club stories because it isn't a FILTHcast. Tom's glad Kevin Smith is carrying on the great tradition of his cinema on fake radio -- horrible production values and rampant toilet talk.

- Colin from Westfield 07090 is callin' from his girlfriend's house in Brooklyn to lament going to see Ocean’s Thirteen. As soon as he bought the ticket, he knew it was a bad decision. He walked down the hallway to the theater knowing that he did not want to spend the next two hours watching that movie. Colin thought it was terrible, but Tom’s seen worse movies. He does agree that Colin and his girlfriend made a terrible choice by not seeing Rat Patrol. Colin says he's been dating his girlfriend for 3 years, and Tom wants him to propose on the air right now. He successfully makes Colin very uncomfortable.

Mike hands Tom a piece of paper with a request: "Please re-enact a scene from this week’s episode of John from Cincinnati." Tom thought it was a very exciting episode because that one guy got drugs for the 950th time, and the other idiot was walking around mumbling stuff about Butchie acquiring a surfboard. Ed O'Neill continues to talk to his parrot. Tom can't believe that's all that happens. He also got that the titular character is Jesus when he heard the name of the show five months ago. Tom says John from Cincinatti is like a TV series of Lady in the Water after they got rid of the monster and any potentially exciting elements. The only thing that remains is messed-up people walking around. Tom’s still watching Deadwood with his nephew, and it has not cleaned up its act yet. They are three episodes into season three, and Tom thinks it's the filthiest show he's ever seen. Tom is losing any hope that it will turn into a family-friendly Western. His nephew is scarred for life and is emulating his new hero, Al Swearengen. He combs his hair with a straight part down the middle and wears suspenders and longjohns. Tom’s disappointed.



- A caller says he's enthralled by every episode of John from Cincinatti, and he feels like Tom is trying to takes its legs away with all the bashing. Tom thinks it's taking its own legs away. The caller says he could throw any awesome show out there, and Tom would find something wrong with it. Tom wants to try it.

1. Carnivale: Tom watched one episode and got out. The caller thinks Tom is ridiculous, but he accepts the response.

2. Mind of the Married Man: Tom thought it was an unfunny comedy from the mind of Mike Binder.

3. Arli$$: Tom liked it that one. The caller says that was supposed to be a trick question, and Tom strikes him out. The no-hitter is still alive. The Kid's still got his stuff. Tom didn't really like Arli$$ because he's not stupid. Trivia: Arli$$ ran for seven seasons. Seven. 7. Bobby Wuhl must have had a lot of dirt on Chris Albrecht. Then again, it's always good to see Randee from the Redwoods working. He should run for Mayor of Newbridge.

Tom is hanging with JfC because he knows something will happen one day. Tom's been hearing all these amazing David Milch speeches on Deadwood, but he thinks Milch ran out of amazing when it came to supplying Luke Perry and his current haven of bad actors with dialogue. Mike says that he would be Doc Cochoran if he lived in Deadwood. Tom would be Cy Tolliver because he seems fun.

- Maniac FOT calls from North Windham, Maine, so Tom knows he probably can't relate to shows on a premium cable channel like Home Box Office. He expects the wires to reach North Windham in about three or four more years. Maniac FOT has an entry for the topic, and Tom assumes it involves stealing stuff from a local fisherman's crab trap. It doesn't, but it is shellfish-related. He was eating a pasta dish with shrimp that had not been shelled at a local restaurant, and he couldn't stop crunching into the hard shells. Maniac FOT says he ate the whole dish even though he knew any normal person would have stopped and sent it back. Tom thinks it was great planning to force someone to stick their hands into their food to remove the shells from the shrimp. Maniac FOT knew the waitress, and she told him that this was part of some kind of culinary trend. He thinks they might as well boil the pasta in the box and allow diners to pour the jar of sauce right over it. Maniac FOT did it!



- Jedediah from Danielson calls because he attended the Siren Festival with his wife last weekend. Tom expresses his sympathy and assumes somebody called him down there because they were in some kind of peril. Jedediah says Little Freddy lost his wallet and was beaten by an off-duty Officer Harrups, who is a huge Cursive fan. Harrups has been moonlighting as a Saddle Creek A&R man, and his nephew is in The Faint. Jedediah says he wanted to see a couple of bands and have some fun in the sun, but he got stuck in the insane lines at the original Nathan's. He began to question whether it was worth it for hot dogs. About a half hour into the line, he could already hear the one band he wanted to see -- The Detroit Cobras -- starting their set. After 10 more minutes, there was one person in front of them, but it was a woman who ordered 19 hot doges. Jedediah and his wife finally got their two hot dogs for $14 after one hour. They missed the entire Detroit Cobras set.

Tom wants to see the D Family take on the D Cobras. Rachel Nagy vs. Freddy! He thinks it's all smiles and sunshine, but when you push one of them -- look out, Jack. Jedediah agrees that the sibling protective instinct would be triggered if they were provoked. Tom thinks those nurse uniforms would come in handy after they clobbered the Cobras and had to hook them up to IVs like Palaka on John from Cincinnati after a dirty tattoo needle caused an infection. Jed hasn't seen the show yet, and Tom tells him to save himself the trouble. He asks Jedediah to imagine Twin Peaks if anything interesting was removed and there was no murder mystery that was driving the narrative. It would just be following "Cooks" around for an hour along with some toilet language. The good new David Milch show is in the Black Lodge? Tom mentions that Palaka was treated by the guy who shot Wyatt Earp or Long John Silver on Deadwood. Tom says his nephew is becoming so creepy that he pours his juice into shot glasses like he's at the Gem saloon.

- Benjamin from Queens informs Tom that he was thinking of Western luminary Wild Bill Hickock, not Wyatt Earp or Long John Silver. He also says that his body defies his mind by purchasing things he doesn't want if there's only one left. For example, he'll buy hardcover comics that he will barely ever crack if they seem to be in short supply. He was compelled to pay $100 for a limited edition hardcover of Mike Allred's The Atomics, a spin-off of Madman. Benjamin says he kinda liked Madman, but this wasn't even as good. Since there was only one left in the store, the scarcity finally wore him down. He's never persued the book, which is mocking him right now. Tom tells him to sell it, but Benjamin can't even find one on eBay to gauge its market value. He decides he will be the lone online seller.

- Rob in Jersey City continues his assault on old people. He says he has a weird desire to sing or scream whenever he sees a really old person. He doesn't actually do it, but he really wants to creep up behind them and scare them. Tom's concerned that this call is coming from Jersey City. Rob says he doesn't have any urges to torment Tom. Tom suspects that he's receiving subliminal directives from his dog like "Son of Sam" killer David Berkowitz. He denies that his dog is ordering him to harass the eldery, and he wants Tom to diagnose his illness. Tom imagines Rob's dog Scraps giving him no choice but to screan in an old man's face. Rob obeys his master even though he knows it's wrong. Rob says he often reflects on the Great Depression and WW2 planes, and he wants to shake these old people up a bit. He wants to tell them to feel the air around them because they are still alive. Tom thinks Rob sounds like Jigsaw from the Saw series, trying to trap people in a horror house. He says he's wearing a blue dress shirt and will answer to the name Mike if Rob is prowling the streets of Jersey City later tonight in a canine-inspired rampage.



- Bob calls to say he's down with Rob in Jersey City. He would love to go up to old people and scare them. Tom thinks it's terrible, but Bob thinks it sounds like fun. He also thinks Tom has totally jumped the shark every time he opens his mouth on every show. Tom asks him if he knows what the term means. Bob says it means that Tom is awful. Tom tells him that "jumping the shark" refers to the turning point when a TV show goes from good to bad due to odd plot twists and other changes that stray from its original, successful formula. He tells Bob that it originates from the moment that em>Happy Days stopped being a sitcom riff on the 1950s and became silly and larger than life when Funzie jumped his motorcycle over a shark tank.

Bob wonders if Happy Days is the show based on the old guy in his 60s called The Gorch. Tom says that The Gorch claims he inspired the show, but the term didn't come from him. Bob wonders if Tom's seen the new VH-1 reality show Scott Baio Is 45...and Single . Tom's heard of it, but he's avoiding it for now. Bob doesn't see what the big deal is because he's 50 and single, although techically he's still married. He still gets down. Tom says that's his business. Bob thinks Tom has an attitude and is full of it, which is typical of these privileged guys. He heard that Tom got his show because of ectoplasm. Tom's confused, and Bob tells him to open a dictionary. He tells Tom that his dad owns the station and gave him the show. Tom says there are 30 things wrong with that statement. Bob says the big problem with it is that Tom took the slot away from Ronald "Hot Rockin' Ronnie" Fuqua. Tom disputes it because he's the son of his dad and his dad doesn't own WFMU. If he did take advantage of Roger Scharpling's theoretical ownership, it would be called "nepotism". Bob thinks Tom somehow manages to be boring and a blowhard. He says the big thing people object to is when Tom is mean to callers by GONKing them. Bob also accuses Tom of flirting with the chicks because that's the only way he can get any. He's heard that Tom is totally bald, and he thinks his opinions stink. Tom denies being bald. Tom says this is what he loves -- when a caller thinks he can do what he's doing on the radio. Bob knows he could hold court like Tom and spout off about stuff. Tom is willing to give him a chance to prove it.

In the spirit of current events, he wants Bob's take on the latest Lindsay Lohan bust. Bob says he'll totally give his take, but his dog is going nuts, so he wants to let him outside and call back. His dog's name is Rollins Band. He got him as a puppy in 1995. Tom thinks it's an interesting name for a pet. Bob promises to devastate Tom when he returns in about 10 minutes. It takes Rollins Band a while. Bob calls Tom a jerk and hangs up.

- Tom doesn't think he could care less about The Simpsons Movie. He thanks the show for all the laughs it's provided over the years, but now all the fresh juice has been squeezed out of the characters. Tom can only muster some mild chuckles at their antics after 18 seasons.

- Julie (NOT KLAUSNER) from New York City calls with a topic entry that happened last week. She was riding her bike down the East River on her way home from work when she saw a perfectly-tanned and thin woman on a very expensive bicycle with a tennis racket on her back behind her. The woman passed Julie on the narrow path and slowed down a bit. Julie passed her, and she heard the woman getting aggravated. She passes again, and now Julie is annoyed. The woman slows down and passes again on a stretch that is getting more narrow. Instead of just taking a breath and letting this woman get to her tennis lesson, Julie insisted on trying to pass her on the narrowest, sandiest portion of the road. Sounds like Death Proof! Her mind was telling her to just chill out because she would look foolish, dump her bike, and get hurt. Her body ignored these warnings, and Julie dumped her bike and cracked her head. Thankfully, she was wearing a real helmet, not the figurative one Tom dons to prepare for certain callers. She did have a black eye for a week. Tom thinks Julie needs to let go of her competitive nature. She initially denies being competitive, but then admits that this woman had a sleek bike and she was on a $50 Schwinn. The classic Slobs vs. Snobs battle. She wanted to show this woman up on her fancy-schmancy bike, but that woman showed HER up. Tom recommends trying to exhale for the rest of the summer and letting go of the rage.

- Tom got an e-mail last week from someone claiming to have heard Spike on The Randi Rhodes Show as "Doug from The Bronx". He plays the audio clip, and it's not Spike. The caller in question has a vaguely Spike-ish New York accent, but his take is too smart and nuanced. Tom points out that Spike's political discourse is limited to calling GWB a "village idiot".



- A caller says he's always buying guitars even though he knows he can't afford them. He currently owns two, but he's owned as many as four. He's only able to play one at any given time. Tom disapproves of this American over-consumption with undesired comic books and unnecessary guitars. The caller says he's currently bidding on a Fender Stratocaster, and he's in the lead with an opening bid of $300. He also owns a $2,000 electric guitar that he doesn't need. Tom points our that this guitar is the same guitar that Eric Clapton plays. He suspects the caller is trying to be like Slow Hand. The caller says he goes through phases where he gets into a particular axeman, so he has to buy their guitar. For example, a few years ago he was really into Eddie Van Halen. Tom assumes the caller is 16 now, so he was 13 during this phase because the indiscretions of youth are the only valid excuse for being into Eddie Van Halen. He believes the caller knows the Van Halen records are terrible, but he thinks that's subjective. The caller prefers Eddie's guitar sound to the "atonal garbage" he hears on WFMU. He doesn't actually like Clapton's playing, so he wants the Strat to be like Ritchie Blackmore.

Tom tells him to shut up and gets his fifth strikeout of the night. He thinks the caller should either call Maria Milito on 104.3 or Richard Neer to talk about this stuff. Tom doesn't think that Paul McCartney record he played earlier is out on the fringes of music. He declares Eddie Van Halen and the "hair metal" genre to be child's music. Tom wants everyone to admit that it stinks and head somewhere better. He can understand putting on some Van Halen to recapture one's fun memories of being a kid, but he can't accept a grown man trying to emulate Eddie in 2007. Tom wonders if the caller's transformation includes growing his hair out and wearing a weird kimono with a leopard-skin shirt.

- Bob returns and says the previous caller had a point -- the music Tom plays does stink. He's impressed that Tom recognized his voice, but Mike told Tom that he was on the line. Bob is ready to take Tom down several pegs. He warns Tom that he may see an angry mob outside his window drafting him against his will to take over the high school radio station after delivery his Lohan take. Tom tells Bob that WFMU is not a high school radio station. Tom is strapped in and wearing his helmet to hear Bob's views on the embattled starlet. Bob begins with a musical introduction in which he sings Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust", changing the lyrics to "Another one goes to jail.



Oh, Lindsay Lohan, what's become of you? Two DUI arrests in six months? You know, you charmed me in Freaky Friday, but from there it's been a sad, downhill slide. I'm not sure who I'm more upset with: Lindsay, for shunning the lesson she supposedly learned in her recent rehab stint and going on a drunken, coke-fueled joyride through the streets of Santa Monica, her mother, Dina, for putting more effort into becoming the "White Oprah" then keeping a watchful eye on her confused daughter, or her sychophantic phalanx of so-called "friends" who do nothing to keep her and her seemingly naturally large breasts from getting behind the steering wheel.

What is it with young Hollywood and its penchant for drug- and alcohol-feuled self-destruction? You know, back in my day stars like Robin Williams, Lisa Whelchel, and Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs kept their noses clean and let their work do the talking. They cared about their craft, not being seen at the hip, new, exlcusive bars or flashing their bobalooies for all the world to see. You know, Tom, just like you, I don't wear underwear half the time I go out in public, but most people would never know about it because I don't go showing it
This could be the big wake-up call for Lindsay, but it might not be. Only time will tell. One thing I do know is that Lindsay should take a tip from yours truly and get a full-time driver. The next life she saves could be mine!

Bob says that's basically how he feels about the Lohan arrest. Tom wants to know if he recorded the rant. Bob says absolutely not. He's been told that his voice gets more focused and compressed if he's talking passionately about something. Bob thinks Tom could stand to have a bit more passion on the radio. He does an impression of Tom's whiny radio voice, declaring hate for Kevin Smith, praising comedians Paul F. Topkins and Patton Oswald (for his awesome work in Rat Patrol), telling Hesh he stinks, and calling Petey weird. Bob thinks it's just bad stuff -- terrible radio. Tom confirms that Rat Patrol is the most recent Patton movie according to Bob. He's surprised Tom hasn't seen ads for it. He claims that Patton plays Rudy Rude, The Rat with 'Tude. Tom says the film is Ratatouille, but Bob doesn't think he knows what he's talking about. Tom apologizes, and Bob informs him that no apology could be too great for his lack of knowledge. He wants Tom to get real for a change. Bob says he just snuffed him out with a better take than anything he's ever done, and he has more to offer.

Tom wants to hear another one if he's so proud of his abilities. He suggests a response to today's Newbridge Herald-Times Republican-Herald story on the "blue" epidemic that has been sweeping through town. Bob says he'd be glad to give his take, but he doubts Tom could handle it. He says that he'll have to call back in 10 minutes because Rollins Band caught a racoon in the back yard. He tells Tom to shut up and then hangs up.

- Tom thinks the Eddie Van Halen enthusiast might be interested in the new Joe Strummer Fender Telecaster that has been artifically road-worn with scrapes and scratches. Tom thinks musicians should actually pay their dues and damage their own instruments while playing actual live shows. Professional rock star Ted Leo told Tom that you can wear out a guitar in about a year on the road, although he brings it really hard. Tom says it would take someone like Al Jardine a bit longer to achieve a similar level of wear.

- Mike from Woodbridge calls with a story about his first guitar. He's 20 now, but when he was 13, he was into The Clash, so he bought a Fender Telecaster. Six months later, it got stolen at a show, so Mike decided he was "too punk rock" for this s hit. Instead of purchasing a replacement, he started building things. He tore apart a Squire Strat and a keyboard so he could use the innards to assemble a new instrument. Mike says the best way to describe its sound is "atonal garbage." Tom says they love that at WFMU. Mike moved to New Brunswick to join their burgeoning noise scene, but the keyboard box guitar only lasted a year. He was soldering a new button onto it, and he didn't realized it was plugged in. Mike says he woke up on a scorched carpet on the day of his high school graduation.

- A caller claims that Tom knows his friend Justin and spoils the no-hitter. Bloop single. Runner on first. Tom threw the third strike, but the ball rolled past Mike, allowing the call to reach based safely.

- Mauren from Chicago calls to follow up Julie with another disastrous bike story. A couple of years ago, she was really sick for a few weeks with a neck infection, but she thought she felt well enough to go for a bike ride with a guy she had a crush on in what was the first nice day after a long winter. Mauren says her excitement led to two bike rides in two days, and she ended up relapsing. She and that guy never took things too far.

- Brie calls to talk about that silly riddle about a mouse that someone mentioned about a year ago. Tom vaguely remembers it. Brie asks Tom if he knew the answer to the riddle, but Tom kinda didn't care. He still doesn't care. Another bloop single. The previous baserunner must have stolen a base or two because he just scored. It's not even a shutout anymore.



- Bob says the previous call about a riddle that's probably really stupid was still more exciting than anything Tom has said tonight. Tom asks Bob if he took care of Rollins Band, and Bob responds sarcastically in the affirmative and threatens to smash Tom's teeth into his face. He thinks Henry Rollins would do the same because he'd hate Tom. Bob says he feels like he knows Rollins from listening to Hard Volume. Tom asks Bob if that was one of his albums, and Bob thinks he doesn't deserve a radio show if he doesn't know that. He thinks Tom is "one of them", a reference to Black Flag's "My War". Tom gets the reference, so Bob claps for him. Score one for the PONY League. Tom really wants to hear his take on "blue". Bob takes a moment to clear his throat and goes right into his take.



Sure this "blue" thing is getting pretty heavy, but I don't know if I'd call it a "problem." Now before you go into one of your patented Scharpling hissyfits, let me just say that I've done my share of hard partying, so I speak from experience. I mean, I was seeing Ten Years After and Professor Wig & the Lollipop Conundrum at Maurice Kern's Newbridge East whacked out of my gourd on "Pink Minnows", Newbridge's best acid, when you were watching New Zoo Revue in knee pants. In the late 70s, I practically lived at Newbridge Nights, discoing 'till dawn, flying on cocaine and "White Licorice", Newbridge's best designer speed. During the 80s, yeah, you could find me headbangin' to Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and White Tyger at the Newbridge Coliseum, drunk out of my mind on Kernvoisier and soda. Man, I got so far into "Black Fudge", Newbridge's purest smack, during the mid-90s, they used to call me Dr. Fudge down at the Grunge Pit.

So I speak from authority when I say "blue" is nowhere near as bas as people are making it out to be. You know, "blue"'s actually been a real calming presence in my life. I wouldn't be surprised if the government made "blue" mandatory at some point in the future, but until then I'll be purchasing this life-saving product from the fine folks at Das Sieben Und Der Elf.

Bob says that's basically his take on the new drug of choice. Tom is certain that he just played a tape. Bob thinks he's nuts, but Tom heard the volume shift. Bob says he's been told that he has "volume rides" when he gets super passionate. Tom wants Bob to explain all the tape hiss he heard. Bob wants to know why Tom is so suspicious. He thinks they could go back and forth on this issue all night. Tom thinks he'd keep denying it because he knows he recorded his takes. Bob says he's gotta roll. Before he goes, Tom wants to see if he can talk about something without a 10-minute break if he's such a hotshot commentator. Tom confirms that Rollins Band is inside and taken care of for the evening.

Bob agrees to talk about another topic. Tom suggests a commentary on President Bush, and Bob says he has a lot of opinions about him. He doubts Tom is ready for them, but he gives it a shot anyway.

I know, I know, lots of people are saying that President Bush has gotten us in way over our heads with Iraq, but trust me -- we're not in over our heads. If I hear one more crybaby going on about "blood for oil", I'm gonna turn this place into a car wash. We gotta believe in President Bush's leadership and let those scuds and smart bombs do their thing. Operation Desert Storm will not only rid us once and for all of this Saddam Posehn character, it's gonna ensure President Bush's victory in next year's election. Now, if you'll excuse me, Samantha Fox is on Arsenio in a few minutes, and I just--

Bob begins coughing to cover up what appears to be a tape abruptly stopping. Tom tells Bob that he was talking about George H.W. Bush the current President's father, circa 1991. Bob says he was just making a joke, and now he's ready to give his real take on President Bush in a nutshell.



In lieu of any political analysis, Bob claims he accidentally turned the radio on to "Invisible Touch" by Genesis. He appeared to be singing along with the song. Tom suspects he put the wrong tape in. Bob says he's ready to talk about George W. Bush. Bob defies the odds and accidentally turns the radio on again to hear another Genesis song. "I Can't Dance". Tom asks him if he's a huge fan of late-period Genesis. Bob says he's just been lucky that they've been playing two of his favorite songs on the radio. Tom says the tunes are uncool and some of the worst music ever made. Bob becomes enraged and thinks Tom's nuts. He tells Tom that he's pushing him. Tom just wants him to admit that these are recorded riffs. Bob says he will give an on-the-spot take on President Bush.



Hello, Ms. Blackwood, I hope this tape finds you fit and well. You don't know me, but I sure know you. MTV just isn't the same since you left. Sure, this new guy Smash is incredible, but he doesn't ooze sex like you do ... Speaking of oozing, I was wondering if I could put my--

Bob says he was just doing another joke to lighten the mood. Tom is certain that this was a recorded audio letter to former MTV VJ Nina Blackwood. Tom wants Bob to admit it, but he says he doesn't have to answer anything because he's officially announcing his candidacy for the Newbridge mayubernatorial election next July. Bob tells Tom that he's talking to the next mayor for 10 years begining in 2008. Bob vs. Hammerhead! Bob plans to run for the Newbridge Freedom Lovers party. Bob doubts that Tom is into freedom. Tom says he likes the notion of freedom, but Bob says it's more than a notion. Bob will reveal his platform after he takes a drink of water.

Days later I'm working at the store, and I get a call. It's Dez. The band is still up in New York, taking a few days off and they wanna know if I wanna come up there and jam. I don't understand what they mean, but it's The Flag talking so I hop to it. I went back to my apartment and called Ian and explained that I thought I was being asked to audition for Black Flag. And after that my roommate ...

Bob realizes that he is playing the audio version of Henry Rollins's 1994 memoir Get In The Van instead of the tape containing his ideas for Newbridge. He gets really, really, really upset and hangs up.


The Boredumm Twins: Crusading Owen & Steamrolling Owings!




[More to come?]


L?


On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Lindsay Lohan calls from Newbridge Acres to talk about the herbal balm night nurse Wilhelm has been giving her, Bob drops an insightful take on the Michael Vick dogfighting scandal (i.e., an a cappella rendition of Genesis's "No Son Of Mine"), and Sean Hannity reveals that September Gurgles, ! I Love You The Ghost Of Ann B. Davis, and The Resistance have been added to his Freedom Concert lineup.


Tom has granted a lot of music requests over the years, so it's my honor to return the favor. This one's for you, son!


When calling The Best Show, always remember this: Have a take, do not suck.

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