"Can you feel the feel the fun? You can almost reach out and touch the fun. You can almost taste the fun. Almost." -- Tom on the sensory overload of another installment of The Best Show
"Sounds like what you read might've even been worse than what I saw somehow." -- Tom on the Cavemen sides a caller read during his audition
"I need like a scrub brush now to scrub my brain clean of that." -- Tom, looking to remove the latest coat of Ken Rogers grime
"I tried to push her off of my knee, and she didn't like that so much. And that's when her claws came out." -- Zookeeper Joe on his encounter with Contessa the mountain lion
"Get away from me. You don't touch ME, I touch YOU ... with a chain!" -- The Gorch, outlining the rules for Mike the Associate Producer
"He must've thought I was a seal or something. Maybe some kind a big muskrat." -- The Gorch, explaining why a barge captain fired harpoon shots at him
"I have to walk with my hands a lot of the time. I kinda have to pull myself, yeah. It's sick." -- The Gorch on the after-effects of his beating from the LAPD
"Do you see it? Do you wanna eat it?" -- The Gorch, proposing a chain snack
"I had a little blackout for a second. A 'Gorchout', as I like to call 'em. They're getting more and more frequent." -- The Gorch on going under
"If it lands too far away, then he's deprived of the joy of a really big bang." -- The Gorch on the importance of children learning proper throwing technique for Hemp-80s
"I never thought I would say this: I know that fish. I've met that fish before. I've spoken to that fish before." -- Tom on his prior encounter with Andy from Lake Newbridge
"The way they were pitched to me was kinda like a cross between Gene Vincent and a book on tape." -- The Gorch on the bombastic bar band sounds of The Hold Steady
"You know what if feels like? Being with Linda." -- The Gorch, comparing the effects of "blue" to making love to Linda Evans
"A hottie sees that kind of damage done to a BMW, she knows whoever done it's one bad dude." -- Philly Boy Roy on the benefits of keying cars at the Short Hills mall
"You're dressed like a Goodwill in Philadelphia exploded." -- Tom on Philly Boy Roy's sports-based attire
"You look like an ape. That's what I think you look like. You actually look like how I imagined you. A little less hairy, though." -- Philly Boy Roy on Tom's primate-like appearance
"I treat the famed and the slobs the same way. No one gets presidential treatment." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why he didn't let Death Cab For Cutie's Ben Gibbard cut in line
"He looks exactly like a Blob. He's really fat. I remember at the signing, he just was cuttin' 'em like there was no tomorrow." -- Ben Gibbard on Tom's flatulent antics at Philly Boy Roy's book event
"It's a little screechy. More like a gurgle." -- Philly Boy Roy on the vocals of Cinderella's Tom Keifer
"He got 'em for me! He gets the best 'shrooms." -- Philly Boy Roy on his son's ability to forage for hallucinogens
The Afghan Whigs - "Debonair"
( Click here to buy Unbreakable: A Retrospective 1990-2006)
Shellac - "Be Prepared"
( Click here to buy Excellent Italian Greyhound)
The Takeovers - "I Can See My Dog"
( Click here to buy Bad Football)
Henry's Dress - "Zero Zero Zero" (thx FL!)
( Click here to buy Bust 'em Green)
Donna Lynn - "Java Jones"
( Click here to get a little info about this lady)
The Speedies - "No Substitute"
( Click here to buy You Need Pop)
Joe Jackson - "It's Different For Girls"
( Click here to buy I'm The Man)
The National - "Gospel"
( Click here to buy Boxer)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
It's a very exciting night, and fun is in the air. How much fun? 180 minutes -- 60 minutes more fun than these people ever gave you. Tom wonders if listeners can feel the fun. He thinks you can almost reach out and touch the fun. He thinks you can almost taste the fun. Almost. There's another Jason-curated listening party going down at the new Best Show headquarters, the Iron Monkey saloon in Jersey City, New Jersey. Tom heard rumors of people flying in for the event, but he gots to see that to believe that. He invites people to partake of the fun, but he will not chauffeur anyone to the event. He won't get you any drinks, and he certainly won't track down a street vendor to bring you a hot pretzel with mustard. You're on your own for that. Tom can't do everything. He will, however, give everyone a peak at the soft-shoe routine he's been working on for a Consolidated Cardboard variety show. Two weeks ago, Tom did a brief 45-second swing through the gathering, but he's upping that to TWO MINUTES of slinking through the crowd for tonight's appearance. Tom says he will sign one autograph, but he is no longer signing baseballs. He's only signing Voit basketballs due to an exclusive sponsorship deal. First it was Mennen, and now it's Voit. The Best Show is reeling in an impressive array of corporate backers.
Tom will also bring a special guest special guest with him. Someone near and dear to the program. As we now know, Tom brought fan fave Captain Jack! After downing eight bottles of Stella Artois in eight minutes and doing some payotay with MC Steinberg, CJ morphed into Blue Willie and started harassing the multitude of mermaids. After repeatedly trying to convince Julie Klausner and Kiki to pose for his new WFMU calendar, Dorvid and P. Nut Chew whipped him with The Gorch's chain, and Mike the Associate Producer threw him onto Greene Street. As Blue Willie fell, he yelled something about Josh from Miami being a "down girl." He landed on a bed of pound cakes and walked away uninjured (except for the chain marks), yelling for Swiss Miss deep into the night before eventually following a stray dog into The Love Nest.
Tom notes that pre-topic callers have guts, and the line is flashing. Tom is nervous. He asks Mike if he lined up a good opening call, and the synopsis yields a screening strike one in advance. Tom bets Mike $11,000 that the guy who claims to have auditioned for Cavemen is going to come on the air and make weird animal noises.
- Kurt calls and resists the temptation to scream like a caveman and hang up. He was weirdly compelled to do it once the idea was planted in his mind, but Tom thinks he did the right thing. Mike wins the bet! Kurt congratulates Mike and recommends that he buy a tiny new car. Tom points out that he could also use his winnings to buy a big used car. Kurt counters by suggesting Mike could just buy part of a car of any vintage. Enough car talk. Kurt is an actor by trade (not just someone who looks like a caveman), and he did in fact audition for the GEICO Cavemen series a few months ago. He says that Tom's recent riffs on the show helped him realize that he had no dignity left. Kurt read three scenes:
1. A breakfast laffer with lots of cereal eating/chatter.
Tom has seen the actual filmed pilot, and he recalls a scene where one caveman reprimands another caveman for putting an empty frozen waffle box back into the freezer. He argues that it creates the illusion that there are more waffles for the taking. Kurt says that in addition to the comedy, the show has an undercurrent of commentary on issues of class and race relations. Tom has sussed out these themes since he's addicted to the pilot. He's viewed it three times.
2. The cavemen argue in a car about who can attend a barbecue.
3. A very dramatic scene at said barbecue where the main caveman delivers a moving speech in defense of his brother.
Kurt says the the main point of the oratory is to let the human guests know that they have no right to judge cavemen. The caveman claims they they are actually superior beings. Tom thinks the sides Kurt read were somehow worse than what he saw on the screen. He says that with additional script doctoring, the pilot may end up being great by the time it hits the air. Tom starts to mention the call last week from ABC VP Matthew Tompkins, but Kurt steamrolls him. Tom gets rid of the blowhard because it's The Best Show not Kurt's one-man show. He thinks the lack of manners is typical of those in his profession.
- Jimmy from Jesusland (??) calls with a fake voice and a prepared monologue about the recent controversies swirling around Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. Not only has Stray-Rod been cavorting with an A-bombshell who isn't his wife, but he recently yelled "Mine!" to successfully distract Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Howie Clark from an infield pop. A-Rod claims he just shouted "Ha!" Ha! Blue Jays skipper John Gibbons appears to be a fan of The Best Show: "Maybe I'm naive but I thought it was a bush-league play." Tom dumps Jimmy before he can get into these details. He tells Mike that they're even, so he won't be handing over the 11k. Tom wonders when Jimmy (aka Captain Jack, Jr.) wrote this poor material
Tom takes a peek at the security camera and notices someone outside the Magic Factory door. It's a really old guy with a shopping cart behind him. Tom doesn't think he can get in the building, but the old guy starts chaining his way through the door. It's Roland Gorchnick. He's finally coming to get Tom after years of threats and seemingly aimless travels on his Rascal scooter from York, PA to parts unknown. Tom is consoled by the fact that The Gorch appears to be completely drained from smashing the door down. He's leaning against a wall, sucking not chain, but wind. Tom thinks that The Gorch's extremely slow rate of progress will allow him to sneak out at 11:00 p.m. without incident. He'll just duck past him on the stairwell.
- Jeremy from Poughkeepsie calls to say he's excited about The Gorch's arrival, but he's even more excited about the series finale of The Sopranos, the Home Box Office mob drama. Tom thought that Sunday's penultimate episode was thrilling; Jeremy cried actual tears when [SPOILER] Bobby Baklava bit it in the hobby shop while holding the episode's titular model train. Tom was sad and upset, which made the transition into the candy-coated trifles of Entourage even more jarring than usual. Tom couldn't handle going from Tony Soprano holed up in a safe house while clutching a machine gun to Johnny Drama and Turtle hunting for a new apartment, bro.
Jerry thought Tony was going to turn his weapon on himself, but Tom tells him that he's wrong. He has his own ideas about how the show should go out. Tom would have the entire New York gang break (chain?) down the door and surround Tony. Meanwhile, A.J. is across town and finally realizes that he possesses superpowers. He flies into the room and superpunches Phil Reatardo and that other weird dude, knocking them through a wall. A.J. then informs Tony about his powers and CUT TO:
Then CUE: cartoon music. Jerry doesn't think the ending will be that good. He predicts that Paulie Walnuts will get shot a bajillion times, but he'll take down at least 30 guys with him. Jeremy's big theory involves the undercurrent of terrorism that has been building up throughout the current season. He thinks a terrorist attack will occur as the NJ vs. NYC showdown is about to reach its bloody conclusion. It will cause both sides to put their business squabbles into perspective and realize that they are silly-ass. Jeremy think this will be a horrible ending. Tom agrees, and he's glad Jeremy is not a writer for The Sopranos. Tom says that if Jeremy was ever on staff, he would have been fired long ago for suggesting that Father Phil Intintola swoop in to save the day. Jeremy says he will call back next week so Tom can listen to him cry about the finale. On Saturday's CBC, DJ Terre T floated the idea of Artie Bucco becoming the boss of the family after everyone else gets wiped out.
Tom no longer sees The Gorch on the security cam so he assumes he's slogging through the building. He's still not worried because he's clearly not dealing with a spry man.
- A caller from the Iron Monkey asks Tom to speak up a little bit so he can hear him. Tom gives him the option to turn the radio up instead. Tom ask him how many people are there, but the caller can't hear the question. Tom hangs up. He doesn't want to know that there are three people waiting for his entrance over two hours from now.
- Mike tells Tom that Ken Rogers is on the line for his fourth attempt at an interview for his book Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Personal Values into the Workplace. Tom is losing patience with the author who promises a conversation about his ideas before unleashing the most foulmouth torrent of obscenities imaginable. Tom reluctantly puts him on the air, and his first question is simple and direct: "What's wrong with you?" Ken says that he's on vacation with his family in San Diego, and this thing has been eating up at him. He'd love to do the interview, but Tom tells him that he's done nothing ruin his program with filth talk the past two weeks. Ken swears it won't happen again and he pleads for one final chance to redeem himself. He says he won't be able to enjoy his trip until he makes things right. Ken starts crying a little bit, and Tom agrees to go forward with the interview.
Ken's not sure where they left off, so Tom takes it from the top. He recaps his experience of being exposed to the book by a guy in the Consolidated Cardboard personnel department. He was really sold on the ideas and left it in the office in the hopes of other people picking it up. Tom was initially skeptical about the value of the book, and he avoided it for a few weeks. However, he became increasingly curious, so he took it home and really responded to the central concept of better integrating one's life and work. Rogers believes that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role in the workplace, especially when making decisions and working on interpersonal dynamics. Tom opens the interview by once again asking Rogers if one's place in the hierarchy of the workplace reflects on one's stature -- or lack of stature -- outside of work. He wonders if the two concepts have to remain mutually exclusive.
Rogers starts to discuss Tom's reference to various statures and hierarchy in the workplace, but he does it again. Tom says that his words went beyond grossness to become a criminal act. Tom's not sure if he wants to continue the show. He requests a scrub brush to clean the outburst from his brain. Tom says he's not sure how a sick mind could get to this level because a standard-issue maniac wouldn't be able to calculate something this gross. Tom feels that Rogers carefully crafted his words for max filth. He laments his hollow apologies punctuated by tears. The diseased author has deflated Tom's sails, and he says that going over to the Iron Monkey is definitely off the table. A sick, sad little man named Ken Rogers is to blame for depriving the assembled FOT of their fix of The Kid. Tom wants to pull the plug on the show because there are demented creeps like Rogers our there. He bans Rogers from the show and assures everyone that they have heard the last of him on The Best Show airwaves.
- Ron from Roselle Park calls to talk to Tom about Ken Rogers. He says that if he hears Rogers again, he will never listen to the show again. Ron starts to issue his own GOMP (bold move, son) before Tom cuts him off at the "M". Tom says he is now willing to give Ken one more chance because he doesn't want Ron as a listener. Tom thinks he's seen Ron outside the OTB looking to get a few more puffs from unspent cigarettes in the ash trays.
- Ryan in Novato, CA calls at 5:47 p.m. his time, but Tom thought it might be 8:00 a.m. because it sounds like he just woke up. He apologizes for being really sick with a sore throat and a cold. Tom's intrigued by his ailment. Ryan asks Tom if he's familiar with the controversy surrounding The Simpsons episode titled "Lisa The Vegetarian". After a moment of silence, Ryan wonders if Tom hung up on him. Tom wants to know why he'd think such a thing. He didn't hang up, but now he does. Tom actually felt bad about this one. It was too easy, and he was picking on a guy who is sick. He wants Ryan to call back, and he does. He says that everyone at his school is abuzz about Ralph Wiggum's non sequitur from the episode he cited: "Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking". His peers are wondering if Wiggum meant that he dreams of being an actual Viking or if he's bragging about how he excels at The Art of the Sleep. Tom informs Ryan that he becomes a and actual Viking in his dreamscape. Ryan isn't sold on this. Tom orders him to splash some warm water on his face to shake his illness. He thinks a cold is only a state of mind and suspects that Ryan is trying to get out of doing something. Ryan gives a mumbling apology and can't offer a reason for his sudden faux cold, so Tom hangs up on the left-coast Pudge again. He meant it this time. Ryan probably just wanted to ditch school to lip sync "Danke Schoen" on a float in some Novato street parade.
- Tom received an IM from "Gentlemen Jim" with an enticing claim: "I work for Rollins." He thought that his business association with the man Tom has adopted as his life coach would give him an edge in the race to be Mr. 3000 on Tom's Myspace. Tom says that he's a lock if he has a legit Hank story. A caller endorses Gentlemen Jim for this distinction assuming it is the guy from Pillsbury Hardcore. He knows him from a 7" record he bought from his friend Chuck in high school. Tom asks the caller if he's on crystal meth, but he hangs up without answering.
- Tom teased tonight’s topic on last Saturday's mini-episode of The Best Show: The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Done. Zookeeper Joe calls to get things off to a roaring start. He says he's been prepping his story for three days, and Tom expects him to slay everyone with his tale. Joe says that he locked himself in a zoo exhibit with a mountain lion back while working as a zookeeper at the Henson Robinson Zoo in Springfield, IL, back in 1993. Tom likes what he hears. Joe says a mountain lion named Contessa had been transferred to a new, larger exhibit. He thought she always seemed very friendly (for a mountain lion), so he ventured into the exhibit to say hello. Joe admits that he wasn’t technically trained in zookeeping. Tom thinks this sounds like a bad Jim Breuer movie. Joe agrees, although he never employed a funny "Goat Boy" voice or made any heavy metal references.
When Joe first entered the exhibit, Contessa was as friendly as advertised. It was a hot day, and the 13-year-old, 175-pound Contessa initially behaved like a regular house cat by licking the sweat from his exposed leg. Joe thought it was neat to have his little moment with a mountain lion. However, Contessa then began to gnaw on his knee, which was one step beyond what Joe had anticipated. As the gnawing intensified, Joe began to plot his escape through the open door. Tom thinks it was incredibly intelligent to leave the door open so Contessa could run out and attack people. Joe says it was only open a crack to allow him to swiftly sneak through. He tried to push Contessa off of his knee, but she didn't like that so much. She started clawing his leg. Joe tried to leave but in a brief moment of panic he pushed the door closed. He was bleeding and locked inside the exhibit with an increasingly aggravated mountain lion. Joe says he had the slight forethought to pull this meet-and-greet while one of his co-workers was cleaning a nearby exhibit. While it felt like an hour, he was rescued after two minutes at the most. Joe says it went from fun to less fun to extreme terror in that brief time. Tom congratulates Joe for rising to the challenge and really nailing the topic.
Mike begins yelling n the background because The Gorge has infiltrated the studio. He tries to stop him, but it's too late. The Gorch tells Mike that he isn't allowed to touch him. The Gorch, however, can touch him with his chain. Tom's scared. Joe urges Tom to get out before he gets locked in. Tom's not sure he should be taking advice from someone who trapped himself in a cage with a mountain lion. The Gorch gasps for air and asks Tom how many steps are in the building. Tom says he only had to climb one flight of stairs to get to the studio. The Gorch wheezes into the microphone and says his ascent was "tough stuff." Tom asks him if he's OK, and The Gorch requests a definition of the term, suggesting that he's not. He also wants to gather himself before he begins the whipping. The gathering takes the form of three moaning exhales.
Tom gives listeners some background on Roland Gorchnick, the self-proclaimed coolest man on Earth. Gorchnick believes that he's the real-life Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli. When he first called the show years ago, he got mad at Tom and vowed to ride his Rascal scooter to WFMU to murder him. Tom tells The Gorch to put some headphones on so he can hear him better. The Gorch tells Tom that he knows what cans are. He puts them on, but he doesn't like it. The Gorch last spoke to Tom from Memphis in August 2004. He had hooked up with local private detective Skag Winesack (a "creep") to help him solve some crimes. The Gorch says he and Skag had a falling out after he made a doghouse out of beer bottles for Skag's pooch, Reggie. Skag stiffed him on the payment because he didn't think the makeshift shelter was safe. The Gorch disputed the claim because he lived in it for eight days, and it only fell apart twice. He says this was the fourth doghouse he's ever lived in. Tom never realized that doghouse living was a viable option. The Gorch had a big fight with Skag one night, and his host took action. While The Gorch was passed out in the doghouse, Skag put him and his Rascal on a barge and sent him up the Mississippi River. The Gorch says he was passed out for two days because he drank 48 beers in four hours. Even though he was floating on a barge, The Gorch thinks the joke was on Skag because he planted a bomb in his basement prior to going under. He guesses that Skag probably bit it. Tom thinks this is charming behavior. The Gorch says he knew Skag wasn't going to pay him for the construction work, so he decided to strike first by blowing him up.
He finally woke up while he was still going down the Old Miss. The Gorch started yelling at the barge captain to let him off, but the man responded by shooting a harpoon at him. He thinks the driver mistook him for a seal or a big muskrat because he was repeatedly moaning "Let me oooooooooooooff, you creep!" Tom has no idea how the guy didn't think he was human. The Gorch waited until the barge got closer to the shore and managed to launch his Rascal safely onto land somewhere in the middle of Missouri. Tom wonders why it's still taken him three years to reach New Jersey. The Gorch invites Tom to listen and learn. He also calls him a jerk. Tom says he's right, and The Gorch wants him to repeat that. He compares Tom's admission to the greatest Moonglows song. The Gorch says he was rescued by a truck driver who happened to be "making water" down by the riverbank. The truck driver took the Gorch out to Hollywood, which he likes to call "Weird-O-Wood." Tom's a bit lost because when most people wish to imply that this section of Los Angeles contains a sizable weirdo element, they call it "Hollyweird." The Gorch thinks that's stupid. He doesn't get it. Tom tries to explain the smooth transition from Hollywood to Hollyweird. The Gorch asks "Mickey" which one he prefers. Tom thinks that anyone can understand going from Hollywood to Hollyweird. The Gorch still prefers his less elegant shift from Hollywood to Weird-O-Wood, but Tom says it completely lacks flow. He tries one more time with Hollywood to Hollyweird, but The Gorch thinks that sounds like a Pat Boone song. Tom gives up.
While in Weird-O-Wood, The Gorch got to meet his mortal enemy -- the one person he hates more than Tom. It was, of course, Henry Winkler. The Gorch hates Winkler for getting rich by portraying a fictional version of his life on television. The Gorch warns Tom not to get him started on this topic. If he does, he'll turn WFMU into a car wash. Tom's not sure what this destruction would entail. The Gorch says a car wash has two walls (ceiling don't count), so he'd knock down two walls with his chain. Tom asks him to please not turn the studio into a car wash. He looked into The Gorch's eyes and saw that he was serious about it. The Gorch was trying to get up, but he's still a little winded. He claims that he climbed five stories, but Tom reminds him that it was just one small staircase. The Gorch says that Winkler was bigger than he thought he'd be. Tom is surprised because he always thought Winkler was a small man. Winkler is only about 5' 6", but The Gorch is down to 5' 1". He used to be 5' 7", but he shrank over the years from too much drinking. Tom finds the 6" reduction hard to believe, but The Gorch says he's been downing 48 beers in four hours for 40 years. (I did the math: we're talking a minimum of 700,800 beers assuming one drinking session/day.) The Gorch says he met Winkler in the bathroom. He found his house via one of those Star Maps, even though he doesn't think he's worthy of this piece of celebrity cartography. Winkler immediately called the cops, and an altercation ensued. The Gorch says he landed one really good chain whip on Winkler and the cops. The cops then got about 1,000 really big billy club whips on him. The Gorch admits that he got a beatdown from the LAPD. He's still suffering from injuries from the incident. He says he has to walk with his hands a lot of the time, pulling himself along the ground. The Gorch says this form of movement is sick.
Before all of this happened, he had a more peaceful time filming an exercise video called "Get Torqued with The Gorch". The video is basically three hours of The Gorch opening and closing the extended leg part of a La-Z-Boy recliner. He says these presses really build up your muscles. Tom thinks the legs are just going along for the ride, but The Gorch says they're actually pumping the ottoman thing. The riveting video shows how you can put one leg on either side to build up resistance. Tom thinks it sounds like a very intense workout, and The Gorch wonders if he's getting smart with him. He doesn't like Tom making with the wisecracks. Tom says he was being a bit of a wiseguy. The Gorch asks Tom if he sees it. Tom sees his chain. The Gorch asks him if he wants to eat it. Tom does not. The exercise video allowed The Gorch to meet a very famous, world-class director. Tom guesses it was Martin Scorsese ("Who?") or Steven Spielberg ("Whaaat?"). He's wrong. The Gorch gives him a hint: think of the biggest and the best at what he does. Tom tries Michael Bay. The Gorch doesn't know what that is. Tom says Bay is the director of films such as Armageddon and the forthcoming Transformers. The Gorch is not familiar with either film. Tom says he's stumped, and the Gorch runs his hands through his chain, asking Tom once again if he wants to taste it. It was TLS. The Gorch wants Tom to say his name in full: Trent L. Strauss aka "The Man".
The Gorch thinks TLS is the greatest, and they co-wrote a film about an evil recliner called The La-Z-Boy Killer. When the already-evil recliner is in transit it gets caught up in an evil tornado that formed over a nearby cowboy burial ground. The spirits of the evil cowboys enter the recliner, and the evilness gets sealed into the piece of furniture by a lightning bolt. Tom wants to know how the recliner originally became evil. The Gorch says it was made by The Devil, the source of all evil. He thinks this origin story is totally plausible. Tom wonders if anything more could possibly happen to this extremely evil chair. The Gorch says the real evil happens when people sit in it. The recliner devours them and spits out their skeletons. He does think the ending is a little weak: people finally realize that if they avoid sitting in the recliner, they won't get eaten by it. The Gorch thinks it just piddles out because they ran out of money. The film's total budget was only $20,000. Tom is amazed that they could even get a fancy recliner made by The Devil for that amount. He's right. The Gorch says that they had to use two card table chairs with fuzzy, burnt orange covering. He says there were heated debates about the color choice. The Gorch has been told that The La-Z-Boy Killer is out there on the Internet, but it really isn't. He says it will be as soon as they can afford to have it downloadable. TLS wants each download to cost $1,000 so they can recoup their costs if only 20 people download the film. The Gorch thinks that most people will bail on it before they get to the disappointing ending.
The Gorch also filmed a Criss Angel-style television special for The Shout! Network called Brain Bash. Tom is surprised that The Gorch filmed so many projects in L.A. The Gorch believes he's totally photogenic, but Tom says that might depend on what kind of look people wanted. The Gorch rattles his chain and tells Tom that he's getting close to a chain buffet. Tom's not hungry, so he tells The Gorch that he's very photogenic. The Gorch says he was better and way cooooooler than Mr. Angel. Tom had no idea that The Gorch was a
musician magician. The Gorch says he is a singer and proves it by belting out a bit of "Chain Fight Tonight". The rendition leaves him out of breath, and Tom asks him if he's alright. The Gorch needs a definition of "alright". Tom asks him if he's going to make it, and The Gorch says he needs a minute to recover. He takes a few drags from a rejuvenating cigarette. In Brain Bash, The Gorch gets chained inside a jukebox that's submerged inside a giant malted made of gasoline. When someone punches up "Great Balls of Fire", the malted explodes into a giant fireball. The Gorch says that everyone starts crying because they think The Gorch is dead and gone. They start yelling "Long live The Gorch!" and "Praise The Gorch!" as if he's a god. As the audience weeps over their apparent loss, The Gorch suddenly appears across the street on a 1958 T-Bird in a crisp, new undershirt. He greets the adoring masses with a "Hey, howzaboutit," and everyone is happy to see him alive. He then serenades them with "Chain Fight Tonight". Tom thinks he might want to stop singing in his weakened state, but The Gorch tells Tom that he can't tell him what to do and what not to do. He starts to reveal his preferred scenario, but Tom has to finish it for him: The Gorch tells Tom what to do and what not to do. The Gorch goes silent for a second after having what he likes to call a "Gorchout". He says they are becoming more and more frequent.
In addition to the exercise video, the TLS film, and the mindfreaky TV special, The Gorch found time to appear in a Flomax commercial. The Gorch says that his part was edited out. While the guys in the spot were kayaking, The Gorch came driving out of the woods on his Rascal. He whipped his chain around and wrapped it around the windpipe of one of the youngsters. The cracking of the windpipe was audible, so the sequence was removed from the final cut. Tom thinks that's horrible, and he wants to know how The Gorch is defining "youngster". He says the guys were in their late 50s, so they are young to him. Despite being relatively young, The Gorch points out that they couldn't do it without the stuff. Tom gets grossed out.
The Gorch made an L.A. love connection, and he wants Tom to guess the lucky lady. He tells Tom it's the hottest of all-time, so he guesses Angelina Jolie. The Gorch doesn't know who that is. Tom gets close by guessing Raquel Welch, but The Gorch says the woman was hotter than her. It was the stone fox Linda Evans. The Gorch says that he and Evans were hot and heavy for several months, but then she dropped him like a hot chain. Tom laughs because he's used to hearing "hot potato" as the item to indicate an abrupt severing of ties. The Gorch doesn't get it. Evans told him that he wasn't growing as a person, but The Gorch knows that every time he was around her, something was growing. Tom doesn't want to hear any more about that. The Gorch says that his lovemaking sessions with Evans were so satisfying that he forgot about his true mission in life: to beat Tom with a chain and make him suck it. The Gorch says he would use a totally "christine" chain for this act. Tom thinks he meant to say "pristine", but The Gorch thinks Tom is directing a derogatory comment at him. He says the chain would be in unused, christine shape. Tom tells him the word is "pristine", but The Gorch can't make sense of this new math. Evans helped The Gorch by getting him an improved Rascal that could go 9 mph compared to the 6 mph max speed of his old one.
The Gorch had several missteps on the road from L.A. to New Jersey. He spent several weeks in a St. Louis hospital after he beat up a boxing match -- the fighters, the refs, the sexy chicks that carry the round numbers, the guy who rings the little bell ("the dinger"), and the trainers. After The Gorch beat up all these people, the boxing match beat him up really, really, really bad. He had a boxing glove in him. The Gorch then made a stop in his hometown of York, PA, to check out his old whipping grounds where he used to swing his chain around. The Gorch discovered that all the guys he used to chain with are dead, so he had to settle for whipping their gravestones. The Gorch says this was a very moving, catharctic experience. Tom wholeheartedly agrees that "catharctic" is the correct term, and he's glad The Gorch had such a moment with his old buddies.
The Gorch stopped at the hardware store owned by his friend Old Vern, the song of Older Vern, to buy the chain he plans to use on Tom. He says that Old Vern cuts the chains to his desire specifications -- they have to be light enough to easily whip around, but they need to be heavy enough to inflict a lot of pain ... and torture. Tom thinks the chain in question looks a bit weird, and The Gorch says Tom's in for more weirdness once he tastes it. The Gorch says there was a parade for him in York, but he thought it was weird that it started as he reached the city limits to leave town. Tom thinks it sounds like they were running him out of town, but The Gorch says everyone in York loves him except for Officer Harrups. Tom tells The Gorch that Newbridge also has an Officer Harrups.
Tom notices something that looks like a handgun on the end of The Gorch's chain. It is. The Gorch says the loaded firearm has been spot-welded to the chain. The Gorch begins whipping the chain four inches from Tom's face, asking him if he can feel the wind. Tom tells him to stop whipping it around, and The Gorch says he'll let him live a little longer ... maybe. He starts whipping it again. Tom wants to know if The Gorch is able to control the gun, and he wants a definition of "control". Tom asks him if he can fire it when he wants to fire it. The Gorch says the gun fires when it wants to fire. He also can't aim it, which is why he almost took part of his cheek off when he was tested it. The Gorch says he uses it because it's intimidating, but Tom thinks it's as much of a weapon against him as it is for him. The Gorch says it will probably work at some point the way he wants it to, and he's gambling that it will be tonight. He's a little bit worried about a self-inflicted wound, but he thinks it will be worth it if he can take Tom out in the process.
The Gorch says he almost didn't make it to the studio because his Rascal started to die when he reached New Jersey. He got into a wooded area on the outskirts of town. It was really cold at night, so he used his leather jacket as a tent. The Gorch says a nice man found him and invited him to stay with him. He had a cool little community in the woods where they manufacture natural, hemp-based products like butter, bread, spark plugs, and battery acid. Tom is familiar with Hippy Johnny and his Mellow Grove compound. The Gorch says that Hippy Johnny seemed like a cool guy ... at the time. He started making hemp-based M-80s ("Hemp-80s"), and he thinks Tom has probably seen the explosives at Whole Foods. (He hasn't.) Hippy Johnny told The Gorch that he had good distro. The Gorch says that the more hemp you use, the louder the resulting Hemp-80. He had fun teaching the Mellow Grove kids how to properly throw the Hemp-80s. The Gorch says that you have to bounce it off a kid's chest so it doesn't land too far away when it explodes. If it lands too far away, the kid is deprived of the joy of a really loud bang. Tom wonders if the kid also gets his chest ripped open. The Gorch isn't sure about that. He didn't witness any chest rippings during his stay. He did hear some rumors, though. Tom questions whether it's appropriate to teach children how to toss Hemp-80s at each other. The Gorch says stuff happens in life and changes the subject. Tom doesn't think that this is an act of God. The Gorch says he knows something else that will happen and begins whipping the chain again. He argues that since he made the Hemp-80s, it was an act of God. He asks Tom to bow down to him, but Tom refuses.
The Gorch says that Hippy Johnny became a real jerk and asked him to do all the grunt work. He told him to eat pipe, and Hippy Johnny began whipping him with his hemp sash. The Gorch says the natural whip is harder than you'd expect. Tom wouldn't expect hemp to be that painful, but The Gorch says it's like a horse whip when it's wound really tight. The Gorch would know because he's been horse-whipped plenty of times. He thinks the hemp sash stung as much, if not more, as a horse whip. The Gorch is impressed that Hippy Johnny could make such a formidable whip out of hemp. Tom is also impressed by his craftsmanship. The Gorch had an edge because he had his gun chain, so Hippy Johnny ran off and locked himself in his palace. The Gorch organized an uprising of all the Mellow Grove workers that he compares to a scene from the film Normal Ray. Tom is puzzled by the reference, and The Gorch is surprised he hasn't seen it because he thought Tom was into entertainment. Tom says he's seen Norma Rae, so he wants to hear more about Normal Ray. The Gorch says it's that movie about that guy, Ray, who works in a factory. Tom decides to move on. The Gorch says he and his followers stormed Hippy Johnny's palace, and he chained him to his throne. They then dumped him into Lake Newbridge. Hippy Johnny was sinking fast, but then a carp jumped out of the water and started talking. The Gorch says he couldn't believe his eyes or his ears. The fish, who was wearing a baseball cap that said "Andy", informed everyone that Hippy Johnny was not dead. Tom never thought he'd say the following: I know that fish. He tells The Gorch he's spoken to Andy before, and The Gorch thinks it sounds like a good idea of a sitcom. The Gorch writes down the idea so he can discuss it with TLS. He says they will just need to figure out a way to make it gory.
With Hippy Johnny submerged in the lake, the people of Mellow Grove wanted their hero to be their new leader. The Gorch told them he had bigger fish to chain whip -- he had to go free his soul by making a guy eat chain. The Gorch says his Rascal started to disintegrate about two blocks away from WFMU. It was sad, but he did end up arriving in another vehicle. He saw an eight-year-old kid pushing a shopping cart along the street, so he traded him for it. He gave him his chain with a battery-powered turkey carver on the end of it. Tom doesn't understand how he could give that to a kid, but The Gorch tells him not to worry because the safety kinda worked. Tom is uneasy about a kid roaming the streets with what sounds like some kind of ultimate weapon. The Gorch hopes the youngster is careful with it because it could do a lot of damage.
The Gorch says he will need to buy a new Rascal because he's going on tour next week with a rock 'n roll band called The Hold Steady. Tom chuckles at this latest Gorch adventure. The Gorch says that if he ever dies, his tombstone will read: "Man, he had a lotta adventures." He asks Tom if he can come up with a better inscription. Tom says he hasn't given much thought to what should appear on The Gorch's tombstone. The Gorch says he hasn't really heard of The Hold Steady, but he'll be serving as their MC, riling up the crowd a la Joe C.. He will start by threatening the crowd, calling them jerks, and questioning their worthiness for the show. The Hold Steady will then come out and pound their faces into the ground with their music. The Gorch wants to know what the band sounds like, and Tom says they are a bombastic rock group. The Gorch says they were pitched to him as cross between Gene Vincent and a book on tape. Tom says that's actually not that far off. The Gorch plans to use the shows to sell some of his merch, such as undershirts that look like leather jackets, leather jackets that look like undershirts, baseball caps that look like undershirts, and baseball caps that look like leather jackets. Each item says "The Gorch" and "Hey, howzaboutit!" on it. Tom reminds listeners that the latter phrase was eventually watered down into Fonzie's signature "Aaay!" The Gorch hates it and starts rustling his chain. Tom tells him that had nothing to do with him. The Gorch says he mentioned this to Winkler, but he acted like he didn't know or see him, and then he went straight for the phone to call the police like a stupid weak baby. Tom thinks Winkler's reaction was reasonable considering he was greeted by an unannounced guest wielding a chain.
The Gorch says his lips are a little chapped so he begins to apply some balm. He'll be on the road with The Hold Steady for nine weeks, and he'll get to make his first trip to Your-up. Tom asks him if he has a passport, and The Gorch indicates that he plans to present his chain to customs officials. If he goes over to Engaland, he will show his chains instead of a valid driver's license. A caller praises The Gorch's work and wants to know more about his experiences in Hollywood. He says he loves American Splendor and considers it an honor to get a chance to talk to Mr. Pekar. The Gorch doesn't know anything about Mr. Pecan, and Tom realizes that the caller thinks he is talking to Harvey Pekar instead of Roland Gorchnick. Tom tells him to shut up and hangs up. The Gorch wants to know what Pekar does, and Tom says he's a professional loser. The Gorch is angry that the caller thought he sounded like a professional loser. He tells Tom that he will have to pay for the caller's sins with a chain whipping.
The Gorch puts the chains down and says he's suddenly feeling a little weird. He applies more of the balm that he picked up at Das Sieben Und Der Elf, a Newbridge convenience store run a nice German kid. The Gorch says the kid gave him some complimentary lip balm along with the carton of cigs he bought. In addition to feeling really weird, The Gorch is feeling really good. His arms aren't really moving, but he manages to toss the tube to Tom. It's "blue". The Gorch compares the sensation of "blue" to being with Linda Evans. He falls over, and Tom is unable to rouse him. Tom's not sure what to do, but Mike advises just letting him sleep it off. The bottom line: Tom is glad he didn't get chain whipped to death.
- Mike calls to provide a scene report from the Iron Monkey. He claims there are 57 people there, and it's so crazy that he just made out with three girls. Tom now knows that he's lying. He GOMPs him for being a fraud. Tom thinks the only way Mike would be making out with anyone is by drawing a Senorita Wences on his hand.
- Tom wants to return to the topic, but Mike informs him that he has another guest. The Gorch disappeared during the second music set, but he's been replaced by someone with a gas mask covering his stringy blond hair. It's Philly Boy Roy. He says he's wearing the mask because he can't breath the stink air of New Jersey. Tom tells PBR that he won't talk to him unless he removes the mask. PBR takes it off, but he says he's kinda afraid to breathe. Tom tells him it's the same air, but PBR doesn't believe him. He takes a few quick inhales and determines that the air "works" despite its foul odor. Tell asks him to put the headphones on, and PBR says he knows about cans. Since things are going so well for Wawa Records, PBR is thinking about expanding his empire to include a radio station or maybe a whole fleet of them. He's considering purchasing WFMU and changing its call letters to WAWA-FM. The station's tagline would be "All Philly, All The Time." PBR says another option would be to buy it and just shut it down because it's a stinky high school radio station. Tom says it's definitely not a high school station, but PBR thinks it sounds like one. He also thinks Tom is in a worse mood than the security guards at the Short Hills mall.
PBR had to make water really bad when he was driving up to check out WFMU, so he stopped at the mall to use the facilities. It was his kind of mall. PBR says he's never seen anything like it, not even at The Gallery, the best mall in Philadelphia. PBR says he was very impressed by the vallette parking and fancy shops at Short Hills. He bought Rhoda a scarf at a French boutique called Carter. Tom's not sure what that is, and PBR laments his lack of culture. Tom thinks he might be referring to Cartier, and he wants a price check on the scarf. PBR says he paid $300 for the small scarf that's really more like a neckerchief. PBR also liked seeing the cars --- Porsches, Jaguires, BMWs -- on display on the floor. He's never been to a showroom before, so he enjoyed the new experience. He was particularly interested in a BMW that he wanted to add to his fleet. Tom is surprised he has a fleet of vehicles, but PBR reminds him that he's a record mogul. PBR asks Tom to strap himself in and put on a helmet to hear the rundown of his current stable of cars: a Pacer, a Gremlin, and a Hornet. Tom wants to know if any of these cars still run, and PBR wants him to define "run". Tom asks if he can get in them, and PBR says he can enter one of them. Tom was going to continue by asking if he could put the key into the ignition, and PBR says you can't do that with none of them. He says there is so much grass growing in two of the cars that the doors are sealed shut.
As PBR eyed the BMW, security guards approached him. He says they had been trailing him the whole time because of the way he was dressed. Tom asks PBR to describe his attire for listeners. He's wearing an Eagles jersey, terrycloth Phillies shorts from the 1970s, and Flyers tube socks. The guards told him he had to leave because they thought he was a "poor". PBR says they didn't know they were dealing with a nouveau "rich". He thinks Tom has to be a "poor" based on his appearance. PBR told them that he belonged in a ritzy mall, but they still tried to toss him out. PBR said that he had to go make again, so he ducked into a bathroom and waited until the guards were occupied by something else. PBR says he was so humiliated that he got revenge by keying the BMW. He scraped "Philly Boy Roy Wuz Here" and "Philly Rules, Jersey Drools" into the high-end car's surface. He also included his cell phone number. Tom thinks that was a very smart move. PBR was hoping to attract some of of the Short Hills hotties because chicks love bad boys like himself. He believes that once a hottie assesses the damage done to the BMW, she'll want to get with the perp faster than Frank Stallone on a shorty with extra banana peppers. PBR thinks the number will let the hottie know how to get aholdayouse, but Tom points out that so will the police. PBR becomes less enthused about his keying. Tom also wants to know what a married man is doing talking about mall hotties. PBR says his marriage only applies in Roxboro, and he's a playa when he's out of town. Tom says hearing PBR say "playa" made him a little ill. PBR thinks Tom loves his use of the term.
PBR also loved the plush rest areas at the Short Hills mall that were set up like living rooms. He says he could really get used to hanging out and shopping at fancy places like this. PBR claims that he's loaded, but Tom can't really tell by looking at him decked out in local sports regalia. He thinks PBR's ensemble is the result of a Goodwill exploding in Philadelphia. PBR says he's totally rich, and his accountant told him that he's totally solved. Tom tells him that the correct term is "solvent", but PBR thinks that is a substance you dip your paintbrush in. Tom informs him that it also means that you are financially covered. PBR says he's that. His accountant confirmed that he was officially a high-roller. Tom wants to know where he found this accountant, and PBR says he lives in his neighborhood. Tom wonders if he saw his business shingle, but PBR says his accountant lives under the same shingles as he does. Tom assumes he's talking about Roy, Jr.. PBR says his accountant is actually someone named Roydon Ziegler II, Esq. He admits that this is the name his son uses for business.
PBR tells Tom that it won't be long before he appears on VH-1's Young, Rich, and Out of Control. He's also thinking about developing his own series called House of Ziegler, or, perhaps, Row House of Ziegler to be more in line with his Philly roots. He's a little worried about his financial status because sales of The Minions album are starting to slack off. The Dr. Dog spin-off band's debut was moving a lot of units after getting an 8.5 on Shovel.com. Roy, Jr. assured his father that Wawa will get a boost when they put out the Stones record. Tom can't believe the Rolling Stones are putting out a record on his label. PBR says it will be a live album, documenting the best of the first two shows of the Tattoo You tour in September 1981. He bootlegged both shows. Tom doesn't think this release sounds aboveboard, but Roy, Jr. says it's not illegal because it falls under the Public Works banner. Tom thinks he might be referring to public domain, but PBR doesn't know what that is. Tom recommends consulting with someone other than Roydon Ziegler II before releasing the album. PBR calls Tom a Philadummy for leaving off the "Esq." from Roy Jr's title.
PBR says the Stones album will come with a bonus commentary track featuring PBR's descriptions of what the music looks like. He was on 'shrooms when he recorded the shows from the top row behind the stage at JFK Stadium. Tom doesn't think these are good seats, but PBR doesn't think it matters if he could see the band. He did see Keith Richards turn into a giant hot air balloon and float away. PBR says Richards called his name as he traveled skyward. Tom thinks this was probably a mushroom hallucination. Ronnie Wood then attacked PBR with an ax and cut off his arm. However, PBR discovered that the pain he was feeling was his buddy Mike burning him with his cigarette. Mike passed out during "Little T&A". PBR says it was sick. Tom tries to advise him as a
friend fellow human, but PBR thinks he looks like an ape. He says Tom looks like he imagined him, but he's a bit less hairy. PBR believes that he looks like a god. He asks Mike what he thinks he looks like, and Mike says a bum. PBR confronts Mike and threatens to smash him. He claims that Mike cowered before him. Tom tells PBR to put his headphones back on and leave Mike alone.
PBR wants to take WFMU for a little spin to feel out the airwaves. Tom doesn't think that will happen, but PBR is certain that it will. He wants to take the reigns right now. Tom tells PBR that he interrupted the topic, so he should let him finish out of respect for the listeners. Tom asks people to call and vote on relaunching The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Done or going for a WAWA-FM test drive. Tom thinks he knows what the results will be, and PBR calls him a windbag.
- A caller asks PBR who would win a hoagie eat-off: Lenny Dykstra or Mike Schmidt. He says Schmitty would win because he owned his own hoagie franchise. PBR thinks the caller is a dunce for not knowing that, but he likes him after he votes for Roy to take over the show. Tom goes down 4-1, but he thinks he can rally. The next caller says PBR and Tom both suck. PBR suspects he was from South Philly. Tom picks up another vote, and then a caller has a proposition for PBR. PBR says he doesn't swing that way, but the caller thinks he'll like this one. The caller says he has a radio station. PBR asks him if it's in his mind, and the caller says it's CKDU based in Halilfax, Nova Scotia. Tom tells him to watch his mouth. PBR agrees that you can't make it blue on the airwaves. The next caller picks Roy for the win. 5-2. PBR asks Tom if he wants to watch and learn. Tom is disappointed that the listeners betrayed him. PBR takes the seat and Tom clears out his stuff. As PBR sets up, he asks Tom if he's ever been to Roxboro. Tom hasn't been there, and PBR says its green pastures are like Heaven on Earth. PBR brought two CDs with him. He opens with -- what else? --the Rocky theme (first grunting it and then playing the actual recording) and comes on the mic to tell everyone that his producer "Blob" cut one. PBR tells "Blob" that he needs to stop eating those Jersey Mike's subs. Tom wants to know who "Blob" is. PBR says Tom is "Blob". PBR says "Blob" did something else at his book signing this past weekend. He says all of Roy's Robots were out in full force in a line that stretched for 30 miles. PBR calls his fans robots because they will do anything he says. He makes them get him food and stuff.
PBR says his book, It's A Philly World, You're Just Livin' In It, has already sold 7 million copies. One of his fans brought a cake made out of Peanut Chews and Tastykakes to the signing, and PBR says "Blob" was foamin' at the mouth for a taste of it. PBR told him he could have some only if he ate a copy of his 1,600-page book. Tom says this isn't true. PBR says that everyone chanted "Blob stinks" as he consumed the entire book. When "Blob" tried to get his reward, PBR smashed the cake over his head. PBR cackles and asks "Blob" if he cut one again. Tom says he didn't. PBR wants to play a tune that he considers the best to ever come out of Philadelphia. Tom cues it up, and PBR immediately starts clapping and doing the Broad Street Boogaloo to The Hooters' "And We Danced". PBR sings along with the track and threatens to start dancing closer to Tom. He works up a sweat, so he cracks out a Yuengling. PBR says he scheduled a guest for his trial run, and Tom assumes it will be Roy, Jr. PBR says it's someone from a rock 'n roll band.
- Ben Gibbard from Death Cab For Cutie calls to say he really enjoyed seeing Roy at the book signing. He waited in line for 4 or 5 hours, and PBR apologizes for not letting him through sooner. He says that he treats the famed and the slobs the same way -- no one gets presidential treatment. Ben asks PBR if he liked the cake he brought. PBR says he loved it and smashed it over Blob's head. He asks Ben if he thinks that's hilarious. Ben says it's kinda funny, but he did spend a long time baking it. He wants to know if PBR ate any of it before smashing it over Blob's head. PBR says he pretty much just smashed it over his head. Tom is surprised that Ben called him Blob. PBR says that's his name, and Ben agrees that Tom is a fat Blob. He also recalls Blob cutting them at the book signing. PBR tells Ben that he loved his show at the TLA, and Ben was glad Roy broke out The Hooters' "All Youse Zombies" during the encore. PBR says the song is required listening. Tom wonders what planet he's on, and PBR says he's landed on Planet Roy. Ben says the show was just a precursor to the craziness that occurred once the Yuenglings started flowing. He apologizes for any inappropriate comments he made while under the influence of the Philly elixir.
PBR apologizes to Ben on behalf of Roy. Jr. He punched Ben in the face. Ben says he wants to talk about some of his medical bills off the air. He feels that since PBR is now rolling in Wawa Records cash, he should probably pay for the damage his son inflicted. Ben says that while things are going well for him and his band, he got hit with some pretty serious bills. PBR thinks something could be inserted into the deal memo that Roy, Jr. is drawing up. He announces that Ben Gibbard is joining the Wawa Records roster. Ben says he's really excited about being on the label, and he's working on some new, Philly-centric tunes: a ballad called "Cheesesteak of Love", a rally song called "Philly Fever", and "I Wanna Go to the Wawa Go-Go." PBR says that Philly is universal by this point, so the record will appeal to a mass audience. Tom doesn't think the actual Ben Gibbard is on the line. Ben says it's him. He expects some legal issues with Atlantic, but he thinks PBR could probably buy out his contract. While Death Cab will still record for Atlantic, Ben thinks Wawa is the right home for his new solo material. PBR says he's already planning the signing celebration, which will involve spinning around the Delaware River on his new schooner called the Ashford & Simpson. Ben can't wait.
PBR gets permission to ask Ben a really personal question. He wants to confirm that he hates New Jersey. Ben says he thinks New Jersey is great. Tom is thrilled. PBR thinks he might have to do a little rethink on the signing. Ben says he likes NJ because it's the home of The Best Show, and he's also had some great shows there. He says he could go on and on, but he doesn't want to derails PBR's attempts to push the Philly forward. Tom tells PBR that he may not want to sign a guy with affection for Stink City. PBR says he's having second thoughts because it sounds like Ben is trying to have it both ways. He paraphrases Ben Franklin's famous quote in which he argued that you're either Philly or you're nothing. PBR asks Ben to go ahead and send him the demos. Ben bids farewell, and Tom chuckles at the wind being taken out of PBR's sails. PBR says he may have to sign Tool's Maynard James Keenan instead. PBR says Maynard loves Philly. Tom's not sure if PBR has what it takes to be a radio host. PBR hopes to prove otherwise by playing another tune so he can show Tom the Upper Darby Dabble.
The track is the new good version of Todd Rundgren's "Bang The Drum All Day". PBR begins singing along and clapping, and Tom doesn't like it. PBR wants to show Tom the Cheesesteak dance, but it requires taking down his Phillies shorts a bit. Tom wants no part of it.
- Ryan calls to say that his local told him that he had to boycott Yeungling because they dropped the teamsters. PBR says this is a tough issue because it forces you to decide what you like better: the teamsters or getting drunk. PBR says he knows what he likes.
Tom notes that the bass in the Rundgren track is terrible, but PBR thinks that no one don't not like slap bass. PBR moves on to Chester, PA, for an old-school dose of Billy Haley & His Comets' "Rock Around The Clock". PBR is compelled to do the 1950's Peanut Chew dance, which involves taking his shirt off. Tom yells at him to put his shirt back on, but PBR refuses. He calls Tom a fuddy-duddy. PBR shifts into something that he doesn't think Tom can deny: "Space Age Love Song" by Hall & Oates. He believes the song transports the listening to a spaceship of soul. PBR wants Tom to close his eyes, but Tom doesn't trust doing that while alone with him. PBR does it and sees a John Oates's mustache. Tom prefers not to think about the singer's facial hair. PBR wants to play track 5, which is suitable for doing the Darryl Dawkins dance. Tom is happy to move on because PBR starts singing along with the Hall & Oates song. PBR starts doing the DD dance, which involves smashing windows, a nod to DD's penchant for backboard-shattering dunks. Tom thinks this is a terrible dance. When he smashed the studio window, PBR noticed that Roy, Jr. is no longer waiting in the car. PBR says he went to the Iron Monkey to meet up with a chickie named Therese. Tom is horrified by what awaits poor Therese. PBR says they hit if off on Myspace, and Roy, Jr. told her that he was 35. PBR says he hold himself very well and looks much older than his actual age of 15.
Tom mentions that PBR's new DJ mustache has blossomed into a broom. PBR describes it as "walrus-y", and he says that he took his cue from the master -- Philadelphia morning zoo legend John DiBella. Tom says he loves that PBR got shown up by Ben Gibbard. PBR says he thought he had allegiance to the #1 city in America, but he don't. Tom says Ben is a normal, well-balanced person. PBR disagrees. He wants to spin another track.
PBR plays "Gypsy Road" by Cinderella, the best rock 'n roll band in the world. PBR tells Tom that he loves it, but Tom says he really doesn't love it. PBR thinks lead singer Tom Keifer has a nice voice. Tom's not a fan of his screechy tones. PBR admits that it's a little screechy, but he thinks it's better described as a gurgle.
- A caller says he's digging Roy's guest stint, but he wouldn't necessarily want to hear it every Tuesday. PBR responds to this with an extended "Whaaaaaat?"
- A caller says he's concerned about the decline in the quality of celebrated Philadelphia filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan's work. PBR corrects his pronounciation, informing him that it's "Shamalam". PBR says he hasn't seen any of his work after Signs, a fictional account of the manufacturing of tin hats in Bucks County. PBR says he boycotted Lady in the Water because he doesn't like water flicks.
- Erika from Baltimore calls, and PBR wonders if she could send him a .jpg. She says she can't do that. Erika wants to know what makes PBR think he's a more capable host of The Best Show than Tom Scharpling. PBR says he's already demonstrated his superior skills. He played better music, he talked better, and he's generally just more rivetin'. Erika isn't sold, and she asks PBR if he's ever considered medication. PBR says he has considered 'shrooms ... earlier today. So did Roy, Jr. PBR says Roy, Jr. is able to get the best 'shrooms.
- A caller wonders if it's true that there is a place in downtown Philly that sells delicious vegan cheesesteaks. PBR says that when Ben Gibbard was in Philly, he wouldn't go on a cheesesteak crawl because he was a vegan. PBR thinks there might be tofurkey in these cheesteaks, but he's certain that Wawa doesn't make them. The caller zings PBR by asking him if he has any friends that know something about Philly. PBR asks Tom to dump him for being very rude. Tom likes this guy.
- A caller tells Roy that he's delivering some killer sets and gives props to AMC automobiles. PBR says the caller is one of him. Tom says he can have him.
PBR starts banging out a groove and gets carried away with the best in preparation for his final tune. He says he can see the Short Hills mall security guards outside the window. PBR signs off to the strains of The O'Jays' "Love Train", promising to be back next week to host another installment of The Best Show. He celebrates the fact that Blob's gone. PBR begs Blob to tell the security guards that he's PBR. PBR removes his terrycloth shorts to get Tom to put them on. Tom says he won't pretend to be PBR, and he tells him to put his shorts back on. PBR leaves the studio with a "Later days, Jersey!"
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: A hott new trio called The Boyz debut their single, "I Knew New New New Minglewood Blues Would Be Better Than New New Minglewood Blues", Tom