Leave Me Alone.
"You'll just have to watch me do it, and if the hate of watching me do my thing burns you up, that's your problem." -- Tom, doing it his way
"I didn't even know he was a singer. I thought he worked in advertising." -- Tom, discovering the real occupation of Hank Williams, Jr.
"Wow, I thought I was good at this -- you're great at this. -- Tom, commending Paycheque for correctly identifying FDR as being deceased in a game of Dead or Alive
"Talk about drop-off. Right? That's like eatin' a fancy dinner at McDonald's, then you eat a dinner at Burger King, right?" -- Tom on Spike following Paycheque's Supermeal
"Check out my Zune, it’s cool. iPods stink. Zunes rule!" -- Mike the Associate Producer, promoting his .mp3 player of choice
"Every time I hit the ground, I bounce up like roundball. You don't worry about me." -- Tom, quickly recovering from Howard Stern not showing any love to his trademarked GOMP
"That show's pure junk." -- Tom on "This American Life"
"That's embarrassing. I thought Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ran an eco-friendly program there." -- Tom on the band's anti-recycling merch man
"Like I really need to know what Chris Jericho thinks about, you know, 'Livin' On A Prayer' or something like that." -- Therese on her addiction to VH-1 countdowns
"You might as well be sittin' in an A&P in the bakery section." -- Tom, offering a cultural equivalent to Starbucks
"Just tryin' to move some units." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his decision to call as Minions fan "Ray Schmidt"
"He was talkin' to a hoagie roll. Yeah, how to put this delicately, he ain't all there, you know what I mean? -- PBR on "Fire Fingers" Doug, the newest member of the Wawa Records street team
"They make or break bands, you know. People turn to them to tell 'em what's good and what ain't. And they've decreed that the Minions is good." -- Philly Boy Roy on getting a 9.3 from the tastemakers at Shovel.com
"I'm like the new Chive Davis!" -- Philly Boy Roy, declaring himself the successor to the J Records chief
"Do you know of any better way to make your presence known?" -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to top parading around in a pitbull chariot
"Yeah, probably end up killin’ ya. Or Doug would." -- Philly Boy Roy on Tom's fate as his assistant at Wawa Records
"Maybe they're going around town in a van grabbin' people?" -- Philly Boy Roy, speculating about how the bodies end up in the musian
"He was talking about it like it was El Topo. It wasn't that weird." -- Tom on Chris "Mad Dog" Russo's About Schmidt review
"He looked like he could have been the brother of the guy who plays Turtle on Entourage if Turtle got all the good genes in the family. " -- Tom, describing the look of the ugly guy he overheard at the diner
"Listen, I don't like the way you're talking about TV shows! You show some respect!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, sticking up for Hollywood
"Bro. Bro, this is the elephant that back when we were in Queens, rememba?" -- Johnny Drama, trying to convince his brother to let him buy a new pet
"It's a very touching and bittersweet film. Right up there with anything from Lasse Hallström." -- PFT on the charms of John Carpenter's The Thing
"It just looked like a homemade car." -- PFT on Jay Leno's cartoonmobile
"Don't worry, white dudes. White dudes are still running everything." -- Tom, easing the fears of paranoid Free-FM listeners
"To be honest, I don't know if you've really had that many good shows this year." -- Hesh, falling into Tom's trap
Archers of Loaf - "Web In Front"
( Click here to buy Icky Mettle)
Seaweed - "Kid Candy"
( Click here to buy Four)
Versus - "Dumb Fun"
( Click here to buy Two Cents Plus Tax)
The Windbreakers - "You Never Gave Up"
( Click here to buy Time Machine 1982-2002)
Unrest - "Make Out Club"
( Click here to buy Perfect Teeth)
The Byrds - "Spanish Harlem Incident"
( Click here to buy Mr. Tambourine Man)
( Click here to buy Feral Pop Frenzy)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer had an exciting pre-show dining experience. Mike's usually all about the diner, but tonight he pulled a switcheroo and grabbed some Fatburger grub. He rates his food an 8 on the 1 - 10 scale. Tom responds to the strong score by quoting hyperbolic New York Yankees broadcaster Suzyn Waldman: "Goodness gracious." He believes that Waldman embarrassed herself by saying that Roger Clemens's announcement of his return to the Yankees from George Steinbrenner's box last Sunday was the most exciting thing she’s ever seen. Tom thought that Waldman might reserve that distinction for some action that occurred on the field. Tom is not similarly riveted by contracts and the decisions to sign them. I'm generally not into that stuff either, but I was intrigued by a few of the finer points in Roger's unique deal.
1. If he strikes out more than 15 batters in any game, he will be given a piggy-back ride around the Bronx by a relay team of ex-Yankees greats like Mike Pagliarulo, Bill "Moose" Skowron, and Steve Balboni.
2. A funnel cake stand will be installed in the dugout for mid-game skiing.
3. If the Yankees win the World Series, Rudolph Giuliani will walk onto the field to announce that Clemens will be his running mate in the 2008 Presidential election. Suzyn Waldman will declare this to be the most exciting thing she's ever seen even though the Yankees won the World Series a few moments earlier. She will then stuff 14 funnel cakes into her mouth.
The only request the Yankees actually denied was a reward of a $5,000 gift certificate to the Denim-Clad Dad outlet if Clemens attacks Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek with a sawed-off bat. Yankees GM Brian Cashman said the amount was too much. He had to draw the line somewhere. Last week, Tom said "Draw The Line"; this week, he takes inspiration from Helen Reddy and says, "Leave Me Alone." I heard Tom made Mike wear a ruby red dress for the entire show. Hope that s hit finds its way to Flickr. Tom is trying to do his thing, and guess what? You can't and won't stop Tom from doing his thing. You watch him doing his thing, and if the things he's doing burn you up with hate, that's your problem, Jack.
Tommy Tornado Tommy Tom is doing his thing. End of story.
Tom is very excited and very intimidated by the two flashing lines. He hasn't put a topic on the table, so someone thinks they are up to the challenge.
- Polite Supercaller Paycheque cuts (starts at 23:00) to the front of the line, taking advantage of the privileges that come with his elite status. He needs no topic. He doesn't have to assimilate into the flow of the show -- he can dictate the flow. Tom thinks that Paycheque is an expert tour guide for how to properly navigate a call to The Best Show. He has a list of talking points and stays on book with the smooth stylee of Bill Clinton. Paycheque says that he hopes to eventually charge a $200,000 appearance fee just like the former President. Paycheque is really testing the boundaries of Supercalldom by having the sheer audacity to talk about last week's The Best Things You've Overheard topic. If it was anybody else, Tom would have hung up as soon as he heard these intentions, but he gives Paycheque the go-ahead to dip back in time.
Paycheque overhead this gem 4-5 years ago, but it still resides in his frontal lobe. He was walking down the street in Toronto, and he noticed a store displaying dancing figurines of James Brown and Hank Williams, Jr. in its window. Tom assumes that the Hank doll does a gig to "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight", which was adapted into the theme song for ABC's Monday Night Football. Paycheque is a country music fan, but he struggles to come up with Hank Williams, Jr.'s biggest hit before suggesting "Family Tradition". Tom is of no help because he didn't even know that he was a singer. He thought Hank Williams, Jr. was an ad man who created a character much like Jim Varney's Ernest P. Worrell. My research indicates that the doll came equipped with "Family Tradition" and "Born to Boogie"!
A couple were also checking out the dolls, and the lady asked her male companion about the identity of Hank Williams, Sr.. The guy made some what-are-you-stupid spit-y noises and responded with confidence and arrogance in his voice: he was a baseball player. He thought Hank Williams, Sr's exploits on the diamond were common knowledge, but he was in fact being a big-time Alabamadummy. Paycheque began to wonder if Hank, Sr. played some college ball in the 1930s, but the Internet validated his initial instincts about the woeful error. Tom thinks the only thing that Hank, Sr. had in common with baseball players from the era was his love of the bottle. Paycheque suspects that even if he made an actual roster, his spina bifida would have kept him stuck to the pine. Tom doubts that the stick figure would have been much of an offensive threat, and Paycheque says that you'd have to merge three Hank Williamses together to construct one Babe Ruth. The old-timey name-droppings send Tom on a sad stroll through the past, lamenting all the greats who have left us. There's only one cure for the nostalgic fever, and that's a quick came of Dead or Alive. Paycheck kills it:
Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1969 after a massive turret hit of Walter Reed crippler).
Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1964)
3. Mike Myers
Answer: ALIVE. Correct.
[Paycheque showboats a bit by throwing Tom T. Hall into the ALIVE bin.]
4. Oliver Hardy
Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1957)
Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1945)
6. Tom Hanks
Answer: ALIVE. Correct.
The Toronto Trivia Titan completes the clean sweep. He can't be stumped. Tom's good at this game, but Paycheque's great at it. He got the show off to a rousing start, and Tom calls him a class act.
- The not-as-classy Spike calls (starts at 29:29), causing Tom to let out a loud groan. He compares the drop-off of Spike following a Supercaller to eating a fancy McDonald's dinner followed by subpar Burger King fare. Tom asks Spike if this is accurate, but Spike issues a lozenge-mouthed dissent: "Wrong." Spike says he was fascinated by Tom and Paycheque's conversation about "hillbilly music". He's not a big fan of the genre, preferring the likes of The Orioles and The Del-Vikings. Spike says it could have been worse. For example, they could have been discussing the rap person "Rodney Rhymes." Tom isn't familiar with this performer, and he says it sounds like a bad name for a television show featuring a rapper or a guest character from an episode of C.P.O. Sharkey 2000.
Tom wants Spike to school him about the artists who performed "Little Darlin'", and he happily dons his professor cap (he actually just shifted his Jason hockey mask to the top of his head). Spike says the tune was originally done by The Gladiolas, who morphed into Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs. It was later covered by The Diamonds, who scored a bigger hit with it. Spike prefers The Gladiolas version. He dismisses The Diamonds as poseurs and frauds. Cover record goons. Tom calls out to Mike to retrieve the track from the WFMU library, but then he remembers that he filled a giant garbage can with all the doo-woop and tossed it out. Spike wonders if Tom spared the Aerosmith, but Tom informs the weisenheimer that he brought that record from his personal collection. Spike’s not into heavy metal bands like Aerosmith -- he doesn't do longhairs who create unintelligible noise. Tom rejects the automatic connection between hair length and heavy metal music, citing James Taylor and Dash Crofts from Seals & Crofts as robustly-follicled non-metalers. Spike admits that Seals & Crofts were "not really" heavy metal. Kinda heavy, but not full-on heavy metal.
Spike drops his phone, and Tom is beginning to lose patience. The Kid's about to fall asleep, so he wants some excitement. Spike claims that he literally steamrolled Jenny from the Bedroom records as part of an anti-J-Lo rally in the Bronx. Tom isn't amused by this riff, and Spike admits that he’s not attempting to do comedy. Tom's sick of the phony walls that he and Spike have installed. He wants to tear them down and talk honestly. Tom asks Spike for his opinion on the Queen's upcoming visit to America. Spike wonders what the point is, and Tom tells him that she's coming here to show us how it's done. Spike did not see The Queen or Spider-Man 3. His last theatrical screening was Little Miss Sunshine. (You can read Spike's three-zipper-mask review here.) He's been renting some of his favorites like I Spit On
My Your Grave. Spike says that he frequents a local video store ("Heeeelllloooo, video store owner ...") that is well-stocked in Chucky and decapitation films. Tom tells him to shut up. He’s sick of Spike. He brought nothing new to the unset table, which makes sense since he only owns a few utensils and a single plate. Tom borrows a phrase from Bishop Pablo Fontana to summarize Spike's boring call: "Jeepers Creepers." The era of Spike is ova! (Again.) Until he brings something new, the line has been drawn. Tom wants Spike to leave him alone.
Tom thinks it might be time for him to start punching people out. Fighting the haters. If you give Tom some lip, he's gonna knock you out. He has the sufficient rage to go through with it. The bus is full, and if you insist on hating Tom, then you're on the wrong team. He's a good guy. Maybe Tom will become the new Chuck Wepner. The Newbridge Bleeder!
- Tom discusses (starts at 40:27) his three-hour Myspace session this past Saturday. He was sitting at his computer sifting through his friend requests to weed out any perverts, Nazis, or horrible bands. The maintenance process has become an unpaid part-time job. Tom wonders if Myspace means anything when you start adding 30,000 strangers to your friends roster. He doesn't see the endgame (1 million friends?), and he predicts that it's a currency that is going to be worthless very soon. Tom also notes that the promotional aspect of Myspace is compromised by bulletin bumping. If you send a message, it's gone from the main page bulletin list in five seconds because people are flooding you with eight bulletins a day. Tom calls for a moratorium on band formation. He thinks there are enough extant bands to satiate the populace's desire for music. Tom's also had enough of friend requests for motion pictures.
Tom considers Myspace an example of the downside of the tech boom. The upside is the freedom from the system, but Tom thinks that you sometimes need people to tell you what you can and can’t do. He sees a lot of online content crafted by people who have no business making comedy clips or short films. Tom points out that if the filmmakers from the 1970s were starting out now, they'd all get lost in the shuffle of an overcrowded, amateur-heavy marketplace. People wouldn't get a chance to view George Lucas's student film Electronic Labyrinth THX 1138 4EB because they lost it amidst 68 other videos. As Tom worked on his account, tonight's first topic emerged: Why Am I Doing This Again?. Tom starts it off with his former devotion to The New Yorker. He used to feel a compulsion to read every article in every issue. He would fall behind in his quest for completism and build a foot-high stack of back-issues. He began to question why he was locking himself into such a towering project.
- Ted Leo calls (starts 46:42) to weigh in on Tom's Myspace assessment. Ted has also grappled with its pointlessness, but he's actually been getting some legit grief from it lately. He has a few actual friends on his list, but a lot of others who are just seemingly-friendly fans when they make the initial request. While on tour, Ted has been getting messages from fans who were disappointed that he didn't play anything from the Chisel catalog. He was a bit taken aback that people were using his Myspace page as a conduit for setlist critiques. Tom suggests putting the setlist up for a vote every night to please the people. If they want "Me and Mia" five times, then they'll get it. Ted doesn't want to do that. He knows what songs he wants to play.
Ted also has a Myspace ethical question for Tom. When he reviews a profile before adding someone, he will often peruse the long lists of music that people are into. From An Albatross to Zumpano, as they say. Ted wants some advice on how to deal with a potential friend whose massive list might contain Death From Above 1979, Spoon, and Stephen Malkmus, but omit Teddy. Tom says that on one hand, Ted doesn't want to come off like a raging egotist, but if their list of 600 bands lacks Teddy Rockstar, he should respond with a friendly, half-joking query about why he's not on the list, har har. Ted says that his solution may be to just remove himself from Myspace. Tom likes it. He might be done with Myspace as well. They had a good run. Mike is directing everyone back to Friendster, and Tom supports his effort since it's probably a barren wasteland over there. Tom thinks that a Friendster employee would probably ask him if he joined to mock the beleaguered social network.
- Charlie calls (starts at 52:23) from his friend’s car in Passaic to say that he feels the need to waste an hour of his day watching Maury DNA test results shows. He knows the drill: some woman jumping up and down about how she's 1,000,000% sure that the guy is her baby's daddy followed by the revelation that he's not. He laughs at it for the first 15 minutes and then gets totally wrapped up in the interpersonal drama. Tom dumps Charlie before he could launch into toilet mouth.
- Erika, the Pride of Baltimore, calls (starts at 53:55) with a promise to keep it clean this time. She recalls a time when her little brother would devour the daily comics. He was unable to avoid the terrible "The Family Circus", and the single panel would set him off on a 15-minute rant about how bad it was. Erika and her mother couldn't understand why he was doing this again and again and again, so they would yell at him to simply skip over the offending strip. He was not afflicted with OCD, so it wasn't like he was compelled to read every comic. He was just trapped in a circle of unfunny. Erika and her mother ended up taking a marker and blacking it out of the newspaper every day to put an end to his angry reviews.
Tom offers another Why Am I Doing This Again?: Kevin Smith movies. At the end of Clerks II, he sat in the theater and wondered if he really spent $9.50 to get the exact donkey show he expected. Erika reached a similar point of disbelief during the song-and-dance number. Erika does disappoint Tom by loving the original Clerks. She says she watches a lot of bad TV and movies, and Tom thinks that all those B-more crab cakes have gone to her head. Erika says that while everybody hails the cake, the Crab Imperial is an important local dish that deserves equal attention. Erika is out of touch with Barry Levinson, but she did meet John Waters last year. She says that the skinny filmmaker was a nice guy who autographed a picture for her, but his pencil-thin mustache creeped her out a bit. Tom points out that it's an all-or-nothing facial hair configuration. If you’re gonna have it, you gotta be ready for it. You have to really lock in and commit to pulling off the homage to Bud Abbott. Tom considers having the Internet vote on what kind of mustache he should grow. Erika suggests sending out a Myspace bulletin to which she'll reply with a vote for no mustache at all.
- Donya from Chicago calls (57:20) to discuss her pursuit of a dangerous and ridiculous art project. She works in a frame shop, and she decided it would be a good idea to collect the used razor blades to create a giant, messy masterpiece. Donya put some of the razor blades in her bag and later shoved her hand right into the sharp metal. The hand injury made her question why she was doing it, but she's still doing it. She didn't want to waste all these perfectly good razor blades that look pretty cool. Donya says that she now wraps the blades in paper to maker her bag searches more safe. The artistic endgame for the project is to use hot glue to affix the razor blades to paper in different designs and decorate them with glitter and sequins. Tom recommends that Donya take a break from collecting razor blades and shift into the art-making phase of the project. I'm pretty sure I remember Nick Moore making a similar piece in an episode of Family Ties. He also used an old carburetor he rescued from a junkyard and a bust of Richard Nixon he stole from Alex's room.
Donya also wants to inform Tom about a radio show host who jacked his stylee yesterday by using the trademarked Get Off My Phone™ phrase. Tom wants to know who did this, but Donya doesn't want to soil Tom's airwaves by naming the host. She reveals it anyway: Howard Stern. Tom will sue him for trademark infringement, and he's so bothered by it that he's on the verge of crying. Donya says that it bothered her as well, and she comes down on the Tommy side. Tom quotes Jay-Z's "Heart of the City (Ain't No Love)" to indicate that he will quickly bounce back from Howard's despicable act.
- Nathan from Richmond, Virginia, calls (starts at 1:00) to question his subscription to the "This American Life" podcast. He never listens to it, but he kept it on his computer thinking that he might fire it up in the background while he cleaned his room. Alas, it never really panned out. He liked the program and the idea of it in the podcast format, but he finally had to cut his ties. Tom thinks "This American Life" is a garbage snoozefest featuring eggheads trying to sound wittier than the next. In short: pure junk. Tom informs Nathan that the Showtime television adaptation is as bad as one could imagine. He didn't think the least dynamic radio show ever improved much with added value of seeing host Ira Glass sit at a desk in the middle of a field. Tom saw it, and he was done with it. He rejects the notion that you're stupid if you don't like "This American Life".
Nathan says he just got a text message from Teddy Rockstar. He did merch for Teddy on the recent tour, and he denies ever pocketing any $20s while his employer was playing on the other side of the club. Nathan says that he draws the line at free snacks and alcohol. He then unleashes a very controversial entry for the topic: recycling. He supports the idea of it, but he feels like the effort is counter-productive. Tom GOMP™s him because it's not 1976 anymore. He points out that the nation's recycling patterns are locked in, and it's not that hard to get with the program. Tom thought Ted Leo and the Pharmacists were an eco-friendly band, but their merch guy is throwing candy wrappers out the window. Embarrassing.
Halfway There: My second-favorite moment from the 1989 MTV Video Music Awards. (#1.)
- Therese calls (starts at 1:04) to ask why she continues to watch those VH-1 countdown shows. She doesn't think she really needs to hear Chris Jericho’s analysis of “Livin’ On A Prayer” on a Top 100 Greatest Songs of the 1980s program, but she gets hooked. Tom questioned his decision to watch one of VH-1's 40 Worst countdowns, and Therese says she is equally transfixed by those lists. She has to know the most metal moment of the 1980s and the most gruesome Hollywood murder. She can't not know once she commits to the countdown. Tom wants Therese to break the cycle, and he thinks she is very courageous to take the first step of owning up to her problem. He tells her to ween herself off countdown shows by running to her kitchen and dunking her head in sink full of ice-cold water like Huey Lewis in the “I Want A New Drug” video the next time one of them comes on. Tom praises Therese for delivering a pleasant, funny call that goofed around without straying off-topic.
- Owen calls (starts at 1:07) to question why he continues to see Woody Allen films in the theater. He also reminds listeners that this Saturday postal carriers will be collecting food as part of the nationwide stamp out hungrr initiative started by Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle to rehabilitate his bad image. Tom thinks that Owen's commitment to charitable causes makes him an alright guy. Not great, but definitely alright. He used to be Public Enemy #1 on the show, but he made a comeback.
- Nick calls (starts at 1:08) from Austin, Texas, the land of oversized film geek Harry Knowles. Tom wants to know how many times a day he sees Knowles riding around the streets in his Rascal scooter. Nick has not seen Knowles on the streets, but he did see him holding court at the Alamo Drafthouse. Tom does an impression of Knowles recounting a story in which he questioned Peter Jackson's decision to cast Jack Black in his King Kong remake. Nick says that Knowles always has a special seat at the edge of the theater. Tom adds reading Ain't It Cool News to his list of things he doesn't know why he does. He also wonders why he keeps talking about Griiiindhouse five weeks after its release. Tom correctly assumes that Nick likes it because he knows all the local eateries and hot spots that made it into the film. Nick confirms that all of the locals cheered throughout the film. Tom calls the participatory viewing experience a "football game for nerds." Nick points out that you see cities like New York on film all the time, so it was neat to see his town on the big screen. Tom agrees that would be a neat thing, but he also thinks he could have done a complete walking tour of Austin in real time faster than the three hours of cinema time.
Nick says that about a month ago, he got heavily into The Velvet Rope message boards. He would end up reading 20 pages of gossip about whether Michael Anthony would participate in a possible Van Halen reunion tour despite not even liking the band. As is often the case on the VR, the thread morphed into a discussion about Madonna. Nick doesn't like her, but he kept reading. Tom says that the board contains the biggest collection of never-weres and never-wills ever. Nick and Tom agree that Republican contrarian "DirkBelig" is the saddest of the sad lot that post on VR. My pick would be "majaplaya", who is currently touring "sub-casinos" with Dwight Twilley.
Nick is about to venture into the Austin night to get something called a "taco" at Los Del Fuegos. He says that Magnolia Cafe (owned by Sandy Bullock), which is not in Griiiindhouse, is his favorite local restaurant. Nick hopes it makes an appearance in Griiiindhouse 2. Tom wants to know if he's ever seen Robert Rodriguez walking around wearing the dumb cowboy hat he got at the same store that Don Imus frequents. Nick says that it's very rare to see a cowboy hat in Austin that isn't on RR's head. He imagines they are more prevalent in San Antonio. Nick picks Dallas as the worst city in the state because it's so sprawling and boring. He was glad to see the 67-win Mavs get bumped in the first round of the NBA playoffs, and Tom thought it was hilarious. He pins the defeat on hubris and GOMP™s Nick for daring to suggest it was the result of Nellie's strategy.
SA: Hi, my name is Winter ... [Hi, Winter] ... and I am powerless over mistos
- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 1:14) to try to figure out why he continues to give his money to Starbucks. As a non-coffee drinker, WJ used to be appalled by the place, but now he's totally hooked on their iced chai tea. He hasn't reached the point where he can hang out there with his laptop and take advantage of their Wi-Fi. He buys his elixir and leaves. WJ says that he gets the feeling that Starbuckers mistakenly think they are hanging out in some hip Greenwich Village café instead of a multi-national corporate chain. Tom doesn't see much difference between hanging out at Starbucks and sitting in the bakery section of an A&P other than the supermarket's lower price points.
In addition to waiting in a line longer than line at the DMV, WJ is frustrated by the cup-size terminology that substitutes "tall" for "small" and "grande" for "medium". Tom calls for WJ to buck corporate constriction and just announce that he wants the biggest one. WJ says that when he's ordered a large, he was told that "venti" is the preferred nomenclature. Tom says he once ordered a iced coffee, and the guy informed him that he was really ordering a "café con leche", which appears to have been both rude and incorrect. Tom will call it what he wants if it costs $11. Tom declares Weirder Jon a class act. Supercaller-in-waiting??
- Kay in Pompton Plains calls (starts at 1:15) to ask Tom why she keeps eating so much pizza. Tom thinks it might be because it's so convenient and ubiquitous, but Kay says it's so delicious in her belly that she just can't stop eating it 24/7. Tom tells her to stop eating pizza, and then he tells her to shut up.
- Brad from New York calls (starts at 1:16) to get the URL for the live WFMU audio stream. Tom starts to give out the information, but It was all a ruse. Brad knew how to find the stream. He got Tom.
- A caller requests (starts at 1:17) something from the new Minions album. Tom says he's not familiar with the band, so the caller wants to know what kind of radio station it is. Tom says it's freeform, and the caller tells him that the Minions are a Dr. Dawg(ssss) spinoff band. Tom doesn't think WFMU has any Minions records. The caller identifies himself as Ray Schmidt, but Tom hears the Philly Boy Roy accent. PBR drops the disguised voice and admits that Tom caught him. He says he was trying to request a band he liked as part of his duties as a member of the Wawa Records street team. As the CEO of the label, PBR says he was just trying to move some units by getting airplay for the emphasis tracks (3, 5, or 7). Tom is impressed by PBR's industry-savvy lingo, and PBR says the street team is moving 4,000 Minions records a week -- good numbers for an indie label.
The street team consists of the entire Ziegler clan -- Rhoda, Roy, Jr., Rhoda, Jr., and little Royda -- and Doug, a guy PBR met outside of the Wawa the other day. At the time, Doug was talking to a hoagie roll. PBR delicately says that Doug ain't all there, but he can make 1,000 phone calls every half hour. The feat has earned him the nickname "Fire Fingers", and PBR pays him in KandyKake wrappers. PBR says Doug is so nuts that he doesn't want the actual food. He's also a little scared of him because he likes to brandish a screwdriver. The street team's call center is located in PBR's basement (Wawa Records headquarters), and PBR also conducts label business from behind the counter at Wawa. Tom reminds listeners about the recent promotional campaign that involved inserting promo CDs into hoagies. PBR says they've already been hit with a couple of lawsuits, but they can handle the legal fees because the Minions scored a 9.3 on Shovel.com this week. The hip, indie music website makes or breaks bands by telling their readers what's good and what ain't. PBR is pleased that they've decreed that the Minions is good. Tom congratulates him on Wawa's critical success with their first release. PBR thinks Shovel.com would know what's good because they possess some kind of superior taste. Tom says they know what they like and probably feel that know what they're talking about. PBR wants Tom to confirm that they are more qualified than the average Joe to review music. Tom says they review a lot of stuff and operate a website, and PBR is convinced they would not have a website unless they were appropriately qualified.
PBR has an update on the Hymzillian Brazyman record, another high-profile Wawa release. He tells Tom for the 90th time that it's Eric Bazillian, not Brazillian. Will Tom ever shed his Philadumbness? The Hymzillian Brazyman record is really taking off in Germany since nem Hooters were gods over there. The German public is thirsting for anything Hooters-related. PBR is thinking about offering Wawa recording deals to other Hooters members Dave Uosikkinen and John Lilley. Tom says it sounds like PBR is doing pretty good. PBR says he's doing really good, and he wants Tom to guess the amount of the bonus he received this week. Tom makes incorrect guesses of $500, $1000, and $2000. PBR says he got 52 Gs after taxes. He loves it and wishes he started a label sooner. Tom thought he was glad that PBR was doing well, but after hearing about his financial success, he feels a bit bad about it. PBR knew Tom would be jealous about him becoming the new Chive Davis. Tom is pretty sure that PBR was trying to reference Clive Davis. PBR says he was talking about the guy from J Records. Tom tells him that's Clive Davis, and PBR says they will have to agree to disagree about his first name. I prefer to think of PBR as the new Rick Reuben.
PBR plans to use his bonus cash to buy a whole herd of pitbulls. He thinks there are 14 pitbulls in a herd. The dogs will pull PBR all around Roxboro on a chariot being constructed by Roy, Jr. PBR asks Tom if he knows of any better way to make one’s presence known. The question was seemingly rhetorical, and Tom doesn't offer any superior options. PBR envisions all of the losers hanging out at the 7-11 wondering about the noise they are hearing just before realizing that it's Roy Ziegler atop a chariot being driven by pitbulls. He tells Tom to visualize it in his mind. Tom says he can see it, and it's pretty impressive. PBR is also impressed by the CD manufacturing process. Tom is aware that they were made at a plant, but PBR says he never really knew where they came from. He made his first trip to the pressin' plant the other day, and he thought it was crazy. Not only did they make the CDs one after another, but they also did this thing called "mastering". Tom’s heard of it, and he knows what it is. PBR says he knows what it is, but he wants to hear it from Tom. Tom wants PBR to tell him what it is, but PBR points out that he asked Tom first. Tom briefly describes the audio post-production process of making sure all of the levels are set on the recording. PBR asks Tom to slow down, and Tom accuses him of writing down the information. PBR says he was just having trouble hearing youse and asks Tom to start over. Tom refuses and wants to hear about mastering from the hotshot record executive. PBR repeats Tom's statement about setting the levels and mumbles something about sending that other thing through the amplifiers. Tom says that there are no amplifiers used in the mastering process. PBR wonders why and thinks there has to be some. He says the mastering is complete when the thing comes out and they make 'em all. Tom says he doesn't understand how PBR can run a label and not know the basics of CD mastering and pressing. PBR explains it by saying he's just making it happen.
PBR says the music business also has distributors, and he's not referring to the thing under the hood of your car. Tom knew he was talking about someone who helps get Wawa releases into different stores. PBR is impressed by Tom's knowledge and offers him a job as his assistant. Tom doesn’t think it would be a good fit. PBR agrees because he suspects that either he or Doug would end up killing Tom if they worked together. Tom says he may be more scared of Doug. Speaking of getting scared, PBR attended BODIES a couple of nights ago. Tom's not sure what that is, so PBR explains that it's a show at musians across the country featuring bodies that don’t have no skin on them. Tom is in fact familiar with this exhibit, but he's baffled by PBR using the term "musian". PBR says he was referring to a place that has pictures and stuff. Tom tells him that's called a museum. PBR says the only other time he's even been to one of those things was when he was running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art musiam in the early 1980s. He didn’t go in because he was running from a kid he just ripped off in a hash deal. PBR says he sold him some ground-up tire tread instead of legit hashish. PBR realized he made a big mistake because the kid was the nephew of notorious crime boss Angelo Bruno, perhaps the biggest mobster in Philadelphia history. He's says he's still recovering from the psychic scars of being jammed into an oversized Charles Chips can. The bottom line: no fun.
PBR says the skinless bodies (he thinks they're dead) allow you to see the corroded artery, the fibula, the larvae, and all the crazy musculature. Tom doesn’t bother to correct any of his pronunciation and anatomical errors. PBR says the family brought flashlights and snuck into the exhibit through the sewer pipes. They all had a great time eating hoagies for a couple of hours until they saw Fred. PBR says he's 98% sure that the skinless body positioned like it was kicking a soccer ball is Fred, one of his best customers at Wawa. PBR says his musculature is unmistakable. He used the term "musculature" because he's no idiote. Beyond that, Fred ain't been in the Wawa for a month, so PBR had a gut feeling that something was wrong. He also spotted what appeared to be a piece of banana pepper -- Fred's favorite hoagie add-on -- hanging under the musculature on the right side. PBR suggests that people are going around town in a van grabbing people. Tom doubts that the exhibit curators are picking people up off the street and skinning them. PBR backs up his theory by quoting his dad's classic saying: “Youse never know.” PBR says he imparts the same brand of wisdom to Roy, Jr.
Earlier tonight, PBR was checking out a band from up Tom’s way for possible Wawa signage. The band was Brooklyn's The Dude, the new project from the guitarist from the now-defunct ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat. PBR says one of the members is from Newbridge, and Tom remembers Bishop Pablo Fontana mentioning them last week. PBR thought they were decent, but he was very excited about a cool gift one of the dudes gave him. It was a little ChapStickish tube containing some kind of herbal tincture. Tom knows what it is. It's "blue". PBR says he's going to take his first sample right now. Tom begs him not to, but PBR is already smearing it on his lips. He says it's pretty nice and immediately falls asleep. The new Newbridge drug of choice has hit Philadelphia. A few moments later, PBR somehow manages to redial and snores into the phone before hanging up again.
- Mordecai from Passaic calls (starts at 1:35) to say he's got some really weird friends who call him at all hours of the day. Considering their telephonic track record, he doesn't know why he continues to pick up his phone. Mordecai wants to know what Tom thinks about that. Tom wants some details about the content of the calls. Mordecai says that his friend Rodney just called him about StreetWars, a three-week-long water gun assassination tournament. The assassin receives a dossier on the intended target and then takes to the streets to find and soak him. I bet Rick from Albany would be into this.
Tom guesses that Mordecai is a high school junior, but he's actually a senior. He says he will not play the game, but he was hoping Tom would be up for it. Tom has his own wars to wage on the streets of Newbridge, where Werner is the "Mustache Commander." He hears some background chatter that sounds like Mordecai is calling from some politician's War Room. Tom gets rid of him before his troupe's bad form gets any worse. Mind ya don't cutchaseff, Mordecai!
"Weird movie, dawg. This makes Santa Sangre look like Sideways."
- Jack, the Pride of Bloomfield, calls (starts at 1:38) about his inability to stop listening to Mike and the Mad Dog filling the WFAN morning slot vacated by Don Imus. He reports that the duo dial back the sports talk in favor of more of their sharp popular culture riffage. Imus's nerdy newsman Charles McCord apparently still hangs out at the studio. Tom says that Mike and the Mad Dog's movie discussions are the worst thing he's ever heard. Tom recalls Mad Dog talking about the "weird" About Schmidt like it was Alejandro Jodorowsky's phantasmagoric cult western El Topo. Tom doesn't consider the Alexander Payne picture to be particularly weird. Jack says that Mike and the Mad Dog are really struggling now that they have to fill 11 hours of radio each day. Tom thinks that Jack needs to take control of his situation by shutting off the radio and watching Robin & Company on CNN for his morning news and entertainment.
- Rodney tries to do a routine. It fails.
- Brian from Parsippany calls (starts at 1:40) about the mess he's made in his iTunes. In his free time, he visits the .mp3 blog aggregator The Hype Machine to sample bands he doesn't know or sorta likes. Brian says that he downloads every track he can find, listens to them for five seconds, and leaves them to rot in his iTunes library. Brian says his collection is so overrun with bands he doesn't like that he has to create playlists just to be able to listen to music he actually enjoys. Tom tells him that he has to stop because his limited time on Earth doesn't allow for such indiscriminate music consumption. Brian assures Tom that he will stop downloading and learn to remove the digital trash from iTunes.
- Jerry calls (starts at 1:42) from Halifax, Canada, the former home of Sloan before they bolted for the bright lights of Toronto about 10 years ago. Jerry says it doesn't make him mad because the band hasn't put out a good record since they left. He thinks a return to their Halifax ruts might improve the state of their music. Tom thinks Sloan's departure is a black eye on the face of Halifax, and he GOMP™s Jerry for saying “eeeee” to his praise for the last Sloan record, the excellent Never Hear the End of It. Tom thinks it's time for Jerry to realize that Halifax is small potatoes and let go of the grudge he has against Sloan for moving to the big city.
- A caller has some information about the rapper Rodney Rhymes, but Tom doesn't want to hear the beginning or the end of it.
- Tom reveals (starts at 2:02) another overheard gem from his recent visit to the Newbridge Diner, a hotbed of spicy chit-chat. He saw a group of five guys sitting around a table, and they started talking about ladies. One guy made his preference known: “I like fat chicks.” He clarified his statement, noting that he meant "thick" not "really fat". Tom got the sense that the speaker thought he was doing "fat chicks" a favor by bestowing his affection on them. He turned around and saw a disgusting guy who looked like he could have been the brother of the guy who plays Turtle on Entourage if Turtle got all the good genes in the family. This guy would have been constructed from the leftover genetic scraps of Jerry Ferrara, the best the family could produce. Tom also compares the guy to an ugly version of Robert John, the songsmith who topped the Billboards charts in 1979 with "Sad Eyes". Rough stuff.
Tom asks the Entourage brain trust to keep stretching out the story of Vince's inevitable return to Ari Gold into some kind of epic nothing. Only four episodes left! Tom also enjoys the show's use of animals this season, including last week's subplot involving Johnny Drama's purchase of a horse that he ended up giving to Ed Burns as a gift for helping him land some s hitty pilot. Tom predicts that an upcoming The Brady Bunch-inspired development will have Drama and Turtle putting tape across their room because they are not on speaking terms. In this scenario, Turtle will have to outsource his quips about Drama's age to E or Vince. Tom also wants to know if the gorillas are happy know that people are finally getting shot on The Sopranos. Tom reminds people that the show is not Grand Theft Auto. It's not even Pimp City.
- The f-f-f-famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins calls (starts at 2:06) from Hollywood, California, to demand that Tom show some respect to TV shows. Tom thought he heard the rumble of a potential hang-up, but PFT stays on the line to join the Entourage talk. Tom says that there are episodes of Who’s The Boss with more action, and PFT thinks they lifted some plotlines from the Danza laffer. PFT says that the equine-themed "Return of the King" is the worst episode yet -- and that's saying something. PFT can barely stand to say "Drama", and he thought the impromptu horse purchase was like something out of Small Wonder. PFT and Tom point out that a cash-and-carry purchase of a horse would not be allowed, and the notion that King was being rescued from an imminent trip to the "glue factory" (just two hours after a race) was equally nonsensical. Plus the fact that the seller apparently threw in a $14,000 trailer because they agreed to take the horse off his hands that day. PFT would have liked to have seen the fellas take it to another level by going to the circus and buying an elephant. Tom does an impression of Drama trying to convince his bro that the elephant is from Queens, and PFT plays Vince asking about where they are going to store their new pachyderm. Tom asks PFT to confirm that Drama paid $2,500 for the horse, but PFT can't remember the final sale price. Tom thinks he needs to pay closer attention to the show, and PFT says that he generally studies every nuance in the "Previously on ..." recaps before every new episode. Tom thinks they've been running the same recap all year because nothing actually happens in the episodes other than hanging out at the race track, dog park, and boat parties.
He can't believe how inconsequential the show is, but he defies PFT to tell him that he wasn't excited when he realized the horse was found in front of Norms. Nick in Austin has Griiiindhouse, and PFT from Hollywood has Entourage. PFT says he actually gets mad about recognizing all the local references. They make him wish that he lived somewhere else so he didn't have to know that someone on Entourage was making an inside joke about Canter’s Deli. Tom suspects that all of the driving scenes have been shot on the same quarter-mile stretch of Sunset for the past five years. Paul is impressed that Tom could pinpoint the location to around the Pink Dot grocery store near La Cienaga Boulevard. Tom says he walks Sunset from Beverly Hills all the way to Silver Lake every time he's in L.A. Tom says he can do it in two hours, and PFT suspects that Tom holds some kind of record. PFT thinks it's a couple thousand miles, but he's not good with spatial relations. Tom says he's not good with time, so the trek might have taken him longer than two hours. Tom hopes he and PFT don't find themselves lost in the woods anytime soon.
Tom is sticking with his prediction that The Russian will return to kill Tony in The Sopranos series finale. He called it right after "Pine Barrens" aired in May 2001. Tom wonders if there are any fansites dedicated to The Russian, and PFT says he would be depressed if The Russian started his own official fansite to sell autographed memorabilia. I'd totally buy a signed packet of Nathan's ketchup. Tom imagines seeing the cover art for the straight-to-DVD Campus Party 2 starring Steve-O and Vitali Baganov aka "The Russian from The Sopranos."
The Campus Party 2 co-stars remind PFT of the odd trio that frontlined the 2005 romcom Just Like Heaven. The film gave Oscar nominees Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon the chance to join forces with Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder. For a second, PFT thought they would just bill him as Napoleon Dynamite, indicating that his representation had given up trying to craft an separate identity for their client. ND for life. Tom envisions Columbia Pictures refusing to budge on a Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder credit. At that point, it's only a matter of time before the quotes drop out, followed by the Jon, and finally the Heder. Tom thinks he's a fun, talented actor with his best work ahead of him. PFT agrees that he has a lot to offer.
The conversation returns to the supposed return to violent form for The Sopranos, and Tom mentions that only about five people got shot in any given season. PFT has to consult his Entertainment Weekly whack-count scorecard to confirm the figure. He doesn't understand how the death-hounds can even enjoy the show at all if that's what gets them riled up, much like people who try to argue that Scarface is actually a film worth watching. Tom says the best thing about Scarface is the thick keyboard score by Giorgio Moroder that went out of date in the middle of the recording sessions.
PFT points out that John Carpenter now stands alone in the keyboard-based film scoring world. Tom says it was always quite apparent that JC did his own music because it was terrible. PFT thinks that if JC is going to save money by doing his own compositons, he should at least ditch the full-on DIY approach and hire some professional musicians to play it. Paul conjures the image of JC banging on his keyboard while wearing a baseball cap, and Tom can picture that session appearing in the Ghosts of Mars making-of featurette. PFT says that was the film that made him question why he was still going to see John Carpenter movies. He enjoys the charm of the earlier films of JC and George A. Romero, but the directors have shed those qualities in their later work. Tom says he wasn't charmed by the mutating pile of dogs in The Thing, so he can't even say if it's good or bad because he'll never see it again. PFT could relate to The Thing's frustration, so, for him, it's a very touching and bittersweet film that ranks alongside anything from the Lasse Hallström oeuvre. He thought the poor Thing just wanted to make friends, but the Antarctic research crew (i.e., Us) went totally nuts when confronted with something different. Tom agrees that it is kind of like racism if the people who were being discriminated against had to kill you to exist. PFT says that if those are the stakes, it's kinda hard to blame people for being racist.
PFT sends shudders through the *** community with a Best Show scoop: his first-ever comedy compact disc, Impersonal, will drop on June 12th. A purchasable PFT presence will finally be available for home-, gym-, and car-based enjoyment. PFT recommends listening to it in the dark so you can really focus on the material. I assume that PFT is signed to Wawa Records. Paul says he looks forward to everyone being able to hear it and tell him it's not that good. Tom says he'll know if people on *** don't like if there is a four-day silence after the intense buildup to its release date. PFT has a message for Ted Leo: stay off television. He saw Ted acting up in a comedy sketch on Human Giant, and he didn't appreciate the crossover. PFT says he's not making music albums, so Ted shouldn't be invading his turf. Tom thinks it sounds like a feud, but PFT says it's more of a plea for Ted not to compete for his gigs.
Tom says there is definitely a regional feud between New Jersey's Ted Leo and PFT, who hails from the fine city of Philadelphia. Tom has some problems with the high levels of anger permeating Philadelphia, but PFT says it's angry in a really fun way. Tom recalls attending a 76ers game back during Shawn Bradley's second year with the team. The 76ers drafted Bradley with the second pick, and many people thought he would be the next great center. Tom knew the 7' 6" 180-lb stick would get blown into the crowd when people ran by him. Tom says that the fans booed when Bradley received a pass, and they booed more loudly when he missed his first shot. A father and son were ejected for throwing batteries onto the court. However, the fans rallied behind their hometown hero when he got into a shoving match with an opposing player. They were only there for him when someone else was picking on him. PFT thinks this is a reasonable position because he has been known to defend his brother from outside criticism even though he can't stand him.
The actor Ted Leo calls (starts at 2:24) to say he's not after PFT's roles, but he has to deal with thespians like Hilary Duff, Kevin Bacon, and Russell Crowe making records. He thinks he should be allowed to do 10 seconds on a comedy sketch since there's a much longer tradition of things going in the other direction. PFT understands Ted's point, especially since he just saw David Bowie's turn as Nikola Tesla in The Prestige. He thought it was bush-league for the producers not to give Bowie one contact lens to even out his eyes since he was playing a historical figure. Tom mentions that Bobby's Labyrinth rants last week almost caused him to pull the trigger on the $4.99 DVD at Best Buy. He then realized that he had already seen the terrible film. Tom decided he didn't need to own the film just because it fits into some kook's man-mankind worldview. PFT says he may join Bobby in claiming that he was one of the goblins in Labyrinth. He doesn't think anyone will ever call him on it, much like Alan Conway, who managed to get away with pretending to be Stanley Kubrick for years. Tom mentions that guy who perpetrated the Peter Criss hoax.
Ted has to bow out due to a bad cell phone, and Tom thinks this could be the beginning of the disconnect between comedy and rock. Ted and PFT say they don't want to be part of that fraying, but Tom informs them that the butterfly has flapped its wings to the other side of the world. It's out there. They can't control the tsunami of discord they created tonight. Shortly after this call, Patton Oswalt got dropped by Sub Pop, and Matador ditched their new comedy troupe Lavender Diamond.
Two tourists check out Jay Leno's cool vintage cah on the Burbank lot
Tom proposes an official PFT segment on The Best Show a la Jay Leno's "What's My Beef?", the origins of the Leno-Lettermen hatred. Leno got his revenge by accruing two airplane hangars full of cahs. PFT saw one of Leno's turn-of-the-century cartoonmobiles parked on the Burbank lot, and he couldn't imagine ever wanting to be in what appeared to be a prototype of a Model-J homemade car. He thinks he spotted an animated bubble dome as well. Tom points out that Leno has to actually leave his house in his puschart and travel down the 101. This gives fellow commuters the opportunity to get stuck behind The Tonight Show host as he goes 14 mph in his 104-year-old car. PFT and Tom can't figure out how he's avoided being injured or murdered by irate drivers who are just trying to get to their jobs on time. PFT notes that Leno has to periodically get out and crank the car to get it moving again. Tom says that he would worry about driving such an accessible vehicle because there would be nothing to stop people from jumping in and punching you for tying up traffic for four hours. PFT mentions the addtional perils of someone tossing thumbtacks on the road to puncture the high, narrow tire.
Tom thinks you could spot Leno coming down the road from your seat at Taco Bell, finish your food, run to catch up with his car, and jump in it. PFT says that even if Leno pushed you out, you wouldn't get that hurt because he's only going 2 mph. Tom thinks Leno's driving is bad form, and PFT thinks he just craves the attention. PFT says he can't imagine it's very pleasurable to violently bounce up and down on a folding chair from Malibu all the way to the Burbank studios. He assumed that the appeal of cars was either speed or luxury. Tom imagines the trip looks like a scene from The Magnificent Ambersons.
PFT wants to know who the people were that thought the automobile would never replace the horse and cart as the primary mode of transportation. Tom says that the only rollback of technology is the Segway. PFT says the Segway would have worked if it came out right after the invention of the bicycle, but now there are many superior ways to get around. Like walking. Tom says that if you're someone who rides a Segway, it would definitely get stoled when you parked it for 15 minutes while you shopped at the Hallmark store for Mother's Day gifts. Tom's not sure if the Segway can be chained to a bike rack, and PFT doesn't think it would even be worth taking. Tom says that some guy in a pick-up truck would swipe it while the owner was debating his mug purchase for hours. Tom always wondered why motorcycles are not stolen all the time. PFT says people are afraid to get caught by a member of the Satan's Helpers gang from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure or similarly imposing cinematic motorcycle dudes like Tiny Lister. I'd be afraid to run into Randall "Tex" Cobb.
PFT says he's out after this season of Entourage, but Tom doesn't believe him. PFT tries to convince him by saying that he was able to check out of House after 1.5 seasons, Rome after five episodes, and Carnivàle with two episodes remaining in the season. He had no expectation that they would wrap up even one of the lingering story threads. PFT says he knows there won't be any satisfying payoffs in Entourage, and he's no longer having fun not liking it. PFT says he does plan to watch the remaining episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip when NBC burns them off starting on May 24th. He expects that Sorkin will go out in a blaze of glory assuming he wrote the last episodes knowing the show would be cancelled. PFT imagines that his thinly-veiled attacks on NBC and the dumb American public will intensify. Tom is also excited about the show's return.
PFT will be testing out some material at CDR tonight in advance of some future stand-up dates, which are listed on his Myspace page. Tom points out that PFT is the only adult still using the site. PFT says it makes him feel like a creep, and he would drop it if he wasn't in the entertainment business. He approves all requests and responds to message once a month. PFT says he got a message from a guy who gave him "some honest feedback" on his last Comedy Central special. He thought PFT needed to know that it was empirically bad and unmemorable. PFT immediately contacted Comedy Central to have them stop airing the special and burn the master copy. Tom tells PFT to tune out the haters. There's no more room on the PFT bus. It's full, and it's taking the high road. I think the PFT bus should drag race Leno's toy car all the way down Sunset. Winner gets a horse.
- Tom reviews the show from an impartial view, and he thinks he'll have to work hard to lose it. Mike informs Tom that there were some drunk haters calling throughout the show. Speaking of Ls, Tom was listening to Free FM's "The Dog House with JV & Elvis" when they were airing the controversial Asian bit that eventually got them canned. Tom then heard "Cabbie" warning people that their firing was a precursor to the invasion of the thought police. Tom senses that many Free FM listeners are afraid that white dudes aren't running everything. He assures them that they are still running everything. Tom hates white dudes.
- Filmmaker Pat Byrne calls with an update on The Long Walk to New York. He says the new start date for the 30+-mile walk from Montclair across the GW bridge is at the end of the month. Pat says the original cast is back, and I hope that includes "Sweet Tooth". He says they might do the walk on a Tuesday so they can cap it off with a call to The Best Show. Mike wants to join the walk, but Tom can't spare him for the evening. Pat also reports that Ted Leo and the Pharmacists brought the house down on Saturday night at Webster Hall. Tom missed it, but he wouldn't expect any less from Teddy Rockstar.
- Hesh calls to dispute the impending W. He has been listening to a lot of really great shows in the archives, and he doesn't think tonight's show ranks up with those. Hesh thinks that maybe Tom has a different standard of victory than he does. He thought the show dragged on with a lot of unfunny callers. Tom GOMP™s Hesh for fitting that description with the addition of a bad phone. He bans Hesh from listening to the archives.
- Tristan calls to say that Hesh doesn't know what he's talking about. Tom thinks Hesh may be right. Tristan points out that every baseball game doesn't have to be a no-hitter, and tonight's show is still an easy W. He has an overheard comment that he was unable to call with last week. Tristan says he was walking behind a high school sophomore who was yelling his warped logic about his unfair pot bust into his cell phone. His position was that it wasn't his pot, and he didn't roll the joint. Tristan couldn't believe he was talking about his drug addiction while walking down the street.
Tom thinks the show is an L. Hesh was right, and Tom may hire him as a QA guy. Tom says he can't be the player and the referee, so he's not even sure if he's won at all this year. Tom urges Hesh to call back. Erika double dips to say that Hesh is wrong. She argues that the dynamic duo of PBR and PFT guarantee a W. Showbiz Sean also votes W, noting Ted Leo's contributions to the program. Tom is not convinced. Hesh returns to say he didn't intend to insult Tom, and he suspects Tom is still a bit sick from his kidney stone problems. Tom says he's not 100%, but he's doing pretty well. Hesh isn't sure Tom's had many good shows this year, and Tom appreciates him hitting the constructive criticism so hard. Hesh thought 2006 was a killer year, but 2007 lacks that spark. He also misses Petey. Tom asks Hesh if he'd be willing break the show down every week and issue a ruling at the end. Hesh says he'll give it a try, but Tom GOMP™s him. He'll never let that creep do that. Tom can't wait to fire up the archive of this show and listen to that stooge take the bait and get rope-a-doped.
W! 16-0 in 2007.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pope Benedict XVI's publicist calls to say the Pope will not even consider a Newbridge visit unless it cleans up its "impure dens of pleasure", "Ron Mexico" checks in to discuss the chariot-ready pitbulls he sold to Philly Boy Roy, MC Steinberg returns to assess the authenticity of Sunday night's payotay-soaked episode of The Sopranos, and the exciting conclusion to the Aerosmith cliffhanger. Heave-ho three in a row?
I predict that Tom will indeed complete the cycle by venturing deeper into Aerosmith's catalog and plucking a gem from the hott blues album Honkin' on Kick The Bobo.