Draw The Line.
"No more malarkey. My life is now a malarkey-free zone. You hear that? You bring headaches, you're gone. Out!" -- Tom, drawing inspiration from a band that was just trying to keep the train a rolling
"You don't have any stores near you? You know that stuff is available at stores." -- Tom, trying to figure out why Eli is a farmer
"It's like video games for old people." -- Tom on the Sunday edition of The New York Times
"His hair was shaped like a corn muffin." -- Tom on Edward Furlong's enticing haircuts circa 1991
"The Mystery of Mulligan. Who is he? Who is this mystery man?" -- Tom on a caller cloaking himself in a fake name
"I wake up every day, my man, and I say, 'I wish I didn't know the world was gonna end soon.'" -- Dom on the looming apocalypse
"Did you try Tums?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, asking Tom if he tried these tummy tablets
"The ruffled shirt is fine, but the breaches? No thank you." -- Pablo Fontana, rejecting the tight-fitting colonial clothing
"Do not worry, Thomas, the bullets only cause pain, they don't end lives." -- Pablo Fontana on the special Kern ammo Officer Harrups will fire at criminals
"I can't wait to see the Pontiff get in the nonagon and show off his stuff." -- Pablo Fontana, anticipating Pope Benedict XVI's first slapfight
"I did not go on a flagrant pant rummage on national TV, did I?" -- Pablo Fontana, distancing himself from young Reggie Monroe
"Oh, we can work it out, as they said. Those Beatles." -- Pablo Fontana on dealing with his forbidden marriage
"He's now cracking it open. Finally, he's gonna let that movie breathe." -- Tom, looking forward to even more Death Proof
"I gotta say Jim Henson was probably one of the best creative creators in the history of man-mankind ." -- Bobby on his Labyrinth-creating hero
"He's not sensitive enough, though. He doesn't look longingly enough at the camera." -- Tom on the shortcomings of Zach Braff
"I actually wanted to continue that conversation. Why did I do that? I actually was enjoying that conversation." -- Tom on his unwarranted GOMP of Showbiz Sean
"Alright, you just finished that huge bowl of pasta -- quick, eatthiscottoncandy!" -- Tom on HBO's Sunday night meal
There's good stuff on TV. Join us! -- Tom, urging a caller to watch the real tube instead of YouTube
"Hey, Tommy, I had a dog named Soprano at one point." -- Blue Willie on his fictional pet
"Going after the slobs. I've had it. It's gonna be a Slob Revolution." -- Tom, seeking revenge on the lidblowers
Maria McKee - "One Eye on the Sky (One on the Grave)"
( Click here to buy Late December)
Rocket From The Crypt - "When In Rome"
( Click here to buy RFTC)
Brutal Knights - "So Weak"
( Click here to buy Feast of Shame)
Celibate Rifles - "Jesus On T.V."
( Click here to buy Roman Beach Party)
The Adverts - "We Who Wait"
( Click here to buy Crossing the Red Sea with The Adverts)
New Bomb Turks - "Tail Crush"
( Click here to buy Destroy-Oh-Boy!)
This Poison - "Paused Over The Pause Button"
( Click here to buy Cd86: 48 Tracks from the Birth of Indie Pop)
The Prats - "Disco Pope"
( Click here to buy Rough Trade Shops: Post Punk)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Forgive me if this recap is a tad woozy. I'm just now recovering from a severe allergic reaction I had last Thursday night to those darn "Laugh 'N Sniff" My Name Is Earl cards. It was worth it, though. The show was somehow even funnier with the accompanying odors. My favorites were "Ethan Suplee Underarm", "Crusty 'Stache", and "MEAT".
If you were hoping for the resurrection of open-phone Tuesdays, you were out of luck. As Seth Galifianakis might say, the biscuits have risen, but open-phone Tuesday remains dead and buried. They have gone the way of OCDJ. Tom declares the current Tuesday night behemoth of The Best Show + Evan "Funk" Davies to be the best six hours of power in radio history. Evan beats OCDJ. Tom says he loves OCDJ, but he's become a footnote. He's ancient history like the ice truck and the dude who delivers milk. OCDJ had his moment in the sun, but he got crushed by The Best Show tank. It crushes everyone, and someday even Evan "Funk" Davies will get crushed and chewed up under the wheels of The Best Show like every other back half of the six hours of power lineup. Tom catches himself in a moment of hubris and considers the alternative: getting crushed under the wheels of Evan "Funk" Davies (he drives a souped-up Fiero). Tom thinks he may be headed for a Titanic fall. Who knows. We’ll find out, though.
One thing Tom's knows for sure is that he's done. That's it. There's no point ruminatin' any longer. He’s drawing the line just like the rock band A-ro-smith, although he suspects they were actually drawing a line of cocaine rather than a symbolic existential threshold to ward off mutants, haters, and assorted riff-raff. Tom’s circling the wagons. Clowntime has elapsed. The malarkey has been hauled off like the remains of the original Captain's Donuts store. Tommy Tornado only has one lifetime, so he doesn’t have any time to jump through hoops. He reminds listeners that there are only two Supercallers -- one foreign and one domestic. Paycheck in Toronto and Dave from Knoxville. Everyone else who calls pre-topic is announcing to the world that they are a very brave person. The line is flashing, and, as always, Tom is intrigued to see who dares to bring it before he's issued any guidance or parameters for the conversation.
- Farmer Eli from calls (starts at 23:13) after an extended absence to tell Tom that he pitched a perfect game last week. I hope Tom bounded into the arms of Mike the Associate Producer at the show's end a la the famous Larsen/Berra embrace. Eli believes last week's show was worthy of broadcast on on the YES Network as a Yankees classic. Tom wonders if YES runs any Yankees classics in which the Bronx Bombers don't actually win. Eli likes it when he stumbles on a game, gets excited by the action, and then realizes it's just a Yankees classic from nine years ago. Tom would have immediately flagged it a rerun after he saw Don Mattingly entering the batter's box to the strains of Seven* Mary Three's "Cumbersome" being played over the stadium PA. This reminded me of that minor controversy back in 1981 when Yankees catcher Rick "The Italian Stallion" Cerone used The Au Pairs’ “Armagh” as his intro tune on opening day. It caused a near-riot in the stands, so he switched to Gang of Four’s “To Hell With Poverty” for the rest of the season.
Tom thinks Eli is a farmer with a kind soul, and he wants to know what he's growing on his land. Eli says he's got free-range chickens and eggs, as well as a seasonal crop of organic vegetables, including cabbage, carrots, certain potatoes, and spring greens. Tom wonders if Eli is living off the land because there are no grocery stores near him. Eli says the presence of stores are actually the problem. If the consumer could not get chicken, eggs, and vegetables at stores, he'd be making more money. Tom keeps it on the diamond by quoting Hall of Famer Carl Yastrzemski: "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all have a helluva Christmas." Eli calls Carl Yastrzemski “The Big Y” instead of the traditional “Yaz”. Tom GOMPs and GOMFs (Get Off My Farm) him for making up a nickname. Tom wonders if Eli grabs a shotgun and yells GOMF at trespassers on his property. I bet Eli uses a Harrups-issued musket to keep things old-school. Tom considers assembling his dirt bike buddies to invade Eli's farm and tear it up by doing donuts. He thinks it might also be cool to drive a dirt bike around Jersey City, but then he realizes that it wouldn't actually be cool at all. Tom says that he'd deserve anything he'd get if he paraded around JC on a dirt bike.
- Tom introduces (starts at 27:14) the night's first topic by noting his status as a very contemporary man. In order to be as topical as Mort Sahl, he reads 11 newspapers every day before he gets out of bed. Tom doesn't really do that, and he's believes these pompous claims are lies unless people are starting their workday at 5 p.m. Tom initially says that all newspapers stink, but then he applies the stink tag to just The New York Times. Tom doesn’t read the overstuffed Sunday Times because he wants to enjoy his Sunday frolicking around outside instead of pouring over the Book Review section. He's not interested in doing $14 homework until 7:30 p.m. The bottom line: The New York Times is video games for olds. Tom's more of a USA Today man because he likes to know one thing about every state -- a bill passing through the Arizona legislature or some shenanigans in Wyoming. The entire country summed up in half a page. Even though he rejects the Gray Lady, Tom is very knowledgeable because he reads over 11 websites every day. While on his Intronet circuit, he's been reading about the actor Alex Baldwin, who apparently called his daughter and left her a harsh voicemail that some people are pretty upset about.
Tom considers himself a pretty big Alex Baldwin fan, so he's avoided listening to the audio file of the call in question. He doesn't want to be aware of Alex's darker side -- he just wants him to be the funny guy on 30 Rock. This desire for blissful ignorance leads to tonight’s first topic: I Wish I Didn’t Know That. As Joaquin Phoenix said to Nicolas Cage in the excellent thriller 8mm, there are certain things in this world that you're gonna see. You can't unsee them. Tom wants to hear about all the little tidbits you wish you could delete from your brain. The response to this hott topic is so great that the phone board gets short-circuited.
- Haul from Brooklyn calls (starts at 31:37) to start off the topic with a fake voice. He wishes he didn't know that the Virginia Tech massacre dude went off because he got a 96 on his math test. Tom wishes he didn't know Haul from Brooklyn. Tom gets the sense that this topic will be a slow burn. He fears it will head into the territory inhabited by the legendarily bad Turk 182 It, but he thinks I Wish I Didn't Know That has more universal appeal. It's closer to a topic in which callers weigh in on their favorite type of cookie. Everyone has something to say about it. Turk 182 It was a bit too arthouse.
- Nate in Park Slope, Brooklyn, calls (starts at 34:46) to restart the topic with a real voice. He wishes that he didn't know that the world was NOT black and white before 1950. As a child, a steady diet of Tarzan movies and Abbot and Costello made he think that the world was devoid of color. He thought someone invented color and turned the world into something amazing. He found out the truth when he was seven* or eight. Tom asks Nate who's worse: Abbot and Costello or Laurel and Hardy. Nate says Laurel and Hardy. Tom says it's a two-way tie for last. Mike says Abbot and Costello. Feud!
- Patrick calls (starts at 36:16) from either Marlboro or Aberdeen to say he wishes that he'd never seen some of the more extreme/gory pictures of suicide aftermaths and such on the Internet. Tom avoids all that stuff. He never watched the amateur-hour Saddam Hussein execution because it's not something he needs to see. Patrick thinks Tom is taking an honorable position, and he wishes he could say the same. He sees this stuff, and then he hates himself for not being able to resists its prurient pull. Tom says you gotta draw the line just like Aerosmith says. He thinks tonight's show could serve as a tutorial on how to start drawing the lines in our lives.
- Forrest in Manhattan calls (starts at 37:35) to lament the existence of Forrest Gump. He estimates that people have told him to run thousands of times. Even though the film is 13 years old, he still hears the directive almost daily. Tom hopes it doesn't happen during this call. Forrest wishes that he didn't see movie stars he likes unveil their foreign accents on late-night television appearances. For example, he was a fan of Hugh Jackman, but then he heard his Australian accent. Forrest is a patriot, so it eats him up to support foreign performers. He supports American products whether it's actors, actresses, automobiles, or sandwiches.
- Christopher in Rhode Island calls (starts at 39:18) with a greeting so formal that Tom thought it was either Spike or Dracula. I'm not sure there's that much of a difference. Dracula: Spike with fangs. Anyway, Christopher wishes he was not privy to the grisly details of Marv Albert’s bedroom game plan. Tom don't want to know it neither. Christopher thinks that this knowledge needs to be Turk 182'd, but Tom begs him not to associate this topic with that crash-and-burn disaster. Christopher predicts that Turk 182 It will gradually build an underground, cult following to become the Slanted & Enchanted of Best Show topics. Tom launches into his trademark "I don't like it ... " ruse, but Christopher steals the thunder before he delivers the punch. Tom thinks it's shameful, and he compares the transgression to some other student ooh-ooh-ing his way into an Arnold Horshack quip right as he was excitedly raising his hand. Christopher apologizes, and Tom lets him off the hook because he's a good guy in his book. I look forward to the "Luxe & Reduxe" Turk 182 It re-issue in 2016.
- Julia, half of the band that delivered the scorching opening theme song, calls (starts at 41:27) from Toronto in full spring bloom. She's not sad that the Raptors are gonna get crushed by the Nets tonight as New Jersey asserts its dominance over the world one more time. Since the Nets are teaching Toronto how it's done Jersey-style, Tom wonders about a Toronto-based The Sopranos. Julia thinks it would probably be a boring program. Tom proposes a plot line where a shipment of poutine is compromised when the cheese curds fall off the back of a truck. Tom would watch it because he's fascinated with Toronto television like his beloved Hart of the Annex. Julia frequently walks through The Annex, but she's never seen the show. She's loyal to King of Kensington, which is a kinder, gentler All in the Family. It's not as cutting-edge as the Norman Lear skein.
Julia was 13 when Terminator 2: Judgment Day came out, and she developed a massive tween crush on young Edward Furlong. She was fond of his asymmetrical haircuts, which Tom describes as looking like the shape of a poorly-baked corn muffin from the sketchy coffee shop run by weird hippies. Julia was recently informed by Paycheck that Furlong's Myspace page contains some of his musical stylings, including a cover of The Doors' “People Are Strange”. After hearing the track, the 13-year-old Julia totally broke up with him. Tom wonders if the arrangement is overly rockin', but Julia says it's actually plagued by bad karaoke talk-singing. Tom compares Furlong's approach to the vocal stylings of Rex Harrison or Joe Namath, and he's shocked that Julia doesn't get the references. She's got character and spine, so she doesn't pretend to be amused by something she doesn't get.
A bit later in the show, Tom played a sample of Furlong's "People Are Strange" cover. He didn't care for it. He suspects that Furlong was laying down his vocals at gunpoint.
- Dom calls (starts at 46:04) from the boonies of Milford, Pennsylvania. He can hear the crickets chirping, and he'll have to make do with that because Tom dumps him. He didn't like the feel of the call and thought Dom was about to try to sell him some Amway products. Tom doesn't want any preamble that sets the mood with details about the local sounds and smells before getting to the topic. He doesn't have time to hear people divulge their life stories. Tom begs Dom to call back because nobody else is calling.
- A caller announces (starts at 48:43) that he's using the fake name "Mulligan" to disguise his identity. Tom points out that if he just introduced himself as Denny without any fanfare, nobody would have thought twice about it. After the big production, everyone is trying to unravel the Mystery of Mulligan. Tom thinks he'll get busted because he tried to be a hotshot. Indeed he will: it's Evan from Providence. He said he used a fake name because his story relates to a family member and there's a 50 percent chance a relative will be listening to the show. Tom says that they will definitely know who it is since he talked for four minutes, but he agrees that the concealment effort is honorable.
When Mulligan was a freshmen in art school, he adopted a straight-edge lifestyle -- no alcohol, no coffee, no rails, no piercings, no dyed hair, no stroke books, and no tattoos. Tom jokingly suggests that his decision to not get pierced or inked makes him a real weirdo. A lot of his peers were going out to parties and drinking, so he mentioned this when he called his parents to give them an update on how school was going. Mulligan's mother tried to console him by recommending some experimentation with drinking to meet some cool people, and then she revealed that she smoked marijuana back in college. He wishes he didn't know about his mother's sordid past. Tom tells him that it's been very interesting to hear him ruin his family on the show. He just received word that his mother was fired from her job. According to my sources, Mulligan's mother's unemployment only lasted a few days. She was just tapped to head up the Northeast Faux Nuggs distribution for Tornado Todd's LifeChanges charity.
- Dom in PA returns (starts at 54:12) to apologize for his preamble. Tom apologizes for rushing to judgment. Dom wakes up every day, my man, and wishes he didn’t know the world was gonna end soon. He's in a constant state of panic about someone pushing the button to launch all the rockets. Dom expresses disdain for people who fill their Hummer H3s up with Super, and Tom hears him. He tells Dom to hang in there because the world's not ready to end at this time. Dom agrees that there's still a little partying left to do. Mike points out that Dom uttered the first "my man" in the history of The Best Show.
- A caller tells (starts 1:04) "Thomas" that he seconds what the gentlemen said earlier about the disappointment of finding out that the actor who plays an American character is actually English or Australian. He's a big fan of the television show called CSI, and the cast features a woman (not Marg Helgenberger) who plays the new-ish Det. Sophia Curtis. The caller thought the actress was an American, but it turns out that she's English. He doesn't like it. Tom asks the caller to identify himself, and he's a bit suprised that Tom doesn't remember him. It's Bishop Pablo Fontana from the Newbridge Diocese. He called the program about two years ago, and he wants to know if Tom is enjoying this bountiful evening. Tom thinks bountiful is an apt term to describe the night's delights.
Tom heard the Bishop’s name for the first time in a long time during Bryce Prefontaine’s call last week. Bryce told Tom that Fontana stabbed Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian during a mad dash to get another dessert fix at Colonial Days. Fontana confirms that he was having the same problems as young Bryce and many other Newbridge residents. He says that he heard on the street that Tom didn't know anything about this as it was happening because he was laid up in the hospital with some sort of upset stomach. Tom says it was more than just an upset stomach, but he confirms that he was in the hospital when the madness broke out. Fontana asks Tom if he tried Tums® to soothe his tummy. He says that these antacid tablets always work for him when he suffers from the indigestion. Tom tells him that his kidney stone and resulting complications were beyond a simple over-the-counter remedy. Fontana offers Tom a little song to remember if the belly ache returns: "Tums® for Tom’s tum-tum." He sings it a couple of times and then counts it off so he can harmonize with Tom. After a couple of false starts, they deliver a very pleasant jingle. Fontana says he generally steers clear of Maalox because it's too chalky and the residue gets on his robes.
Tom reminds listeners that a drug-spiking epidemic recently swept through town, and Fontana got involved after two German boys from his church invited him to their stand at the bi-annual Colonial Days celebration. He doesn’t normally attend the event because he doesn’t think he looks that good in the tight breaches. Fontana says he can handle the ruffled shirt, but the breaches are too form-fitting for him. He doesn’t know how the forefathers dealt with the snug garb. The German boys he's referring to are, of course, Werner and Rutager. They hooked Fontana and others with the cocaine-laced powdered sugar they put on the funnel cakes. Fontana says that he and everyone else are now clean and sober. They are all excited, and Fontana knows that Tom is very excited about the big announcement made last Saturday. He's referring to Pope Benedict XVI accepting an invitation to visit the United Nations headquarters in Manhattan. Fontana says The Vatican has been very tight-lipped about when it will happen, but he's been told it will be fairly soon. Fontana says he has big plans for His Holiness’s incredible visit, and Tom assumes that Fontana will be part of the official festivities in NYC. Thomas is wrong. Fontana asks him if he's strapped in. Check. He then asks him if he has helmet on. Tom doesn't have a helmet, and Fontana urges him to wear one because he's going to blow Tom's mind off with what he's about to say. Tom repeats that he doesn't have a helmet, so Fontana proceeds without any protective headgear in place. In nutshell, he will do everything in his power to bring the Pope an hour outside of Manattan to show him the glory of Newbridge, the jewel of the Quint cities.
Fontana says his irrrrre is still raised about Pope John Paul II bypassing Newbridge when he came to Tribridge in 1979. Bishop McMillan at St. Paul's in Tribridge still ribs him about it during their fontasy hockey matches. Tom's not entirely sure what those matches are, so Fontana explains that it's just like fontasy baseball or football, but it's for minor league hockey. Fontana says it's fun, but Tom knows he wouldn't do well because he doesn't know much about minor league hockey. Fontana admits that it's not for everybody, unlike the Pope coming to Newbridge.
The main reason he wants him to come is to help everyone with the terrible sinkhole situation. Tom explains that there’s a sinkhole on the edge of town near Lake Newbridge. The sinkhole is right where Tinkerbell’s Tennis Teepee was before it sunk. It's also near the DVD Den, an offshoot of the CD Submarine. Tom checked out the DVD Den a couple of times and thought it was one of those bad ideas that was doomed from the start. The store contained giant, overstuffed couches with hundreds of DVDs tucked into the cushions like missing keys. Tom thinks it might be a fun gimmick to try at home, but it doesn't make for a pleasant shopping experience. Fontana describes a scenario where he's located Network, but he doesn't know what cushion to look under to grab Cleeffard.
The sinkhole keeps getting bigger and bigger, and the disaster is on the local news every night. Chief Ray Ploppleton, the Newbridge Fire Department Chief, is monitoring the situation. His brother, Darren, works with Tom at Consolidated Cardboard. Fontana thinks it's odd that his parents named him Chief, suggesting that they knew he would become some kind of leader later in life. Tom plans to ask Darren about the origins of the name. Fontana says that Tom will be seeing a major “Bless The Sinkhole” campaign starting very soon. He's trying to get signatures of everyone in Newbridge on a petition to send to The Vatican. Fontana says that Tom will also be hearing a special charity anthem on the radio called "This Sinking Feeling Has Got To End". He thinks that he and Craig really wrote an anthem to rival "Do They Know It’s Christmas". Fontana co-wrote it with Craig Finn from The Hold Steady.
He met Finn a couple of years ago at Southpaw in Brooklyn when he counseling the singer for ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat, a Greenpoint band who were opening for The Hold Steady. They have since broken up. Fontana says the singer was in turmoil afer !IHYTGOAS got panned with 3.7/10 review on the influential Shovel.com. The worst part was that the !IHYGOAS's guitarist wrote the review under a pen name. He wanted to break up the band so he could start a new band. Fontana thinks the new band, The Dude, are decent. He asks Thomas to place the reference, and he successfully ties it to The Big Lebowski. Fontana is still not sold on the film, but he quite liked Raising Arizona. It’s more his speed when it comes to the Coen brothers.
Tom is very interested by a man of the cloth who's so in tune with pop culture. Fontana says that he likes to know what the children are liking because it helps him stay in touch and give effective counsel like he did for the singer for ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat. It allows him to establish a shorthand to communicate with younger generations. Fontana wants to tell Tom about what he has planned for the Pope, so he make sure that he's still wearing his seat belt. He says that's he's open to comments because he respects Tom's opinion.
1. Breakfast at Pancake Promenade in Newbridge Commons
2. Shopping at Lady Foot Locker -- word on the street suggests that the long-abandoned and haunted store is set for an August re-opening.
3. A tour of the seedy Muffler Row to watch Officer Harrups chase criminals.
The less violent criminals will be let out of jail for the afternoon so Harrups can round them up and then shoot them. Fontana assures Tom that the bullets cause pain, but they are not fatal. Harrups will be supplied with special bullets that Kern Pharmaceuticals is developing just for this historic occasion. Fontana says that the bullets are being manufactured to specifications that won't kill people ... in theory.
4. A trip to the Newbridge Reportory Theater for a special command performance of "Open Water".
The theater is doing the first-ever stage adaptation of the film of Open Water. The adapation is very faithful to the source material -- two people stuck in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. Fontana heard they will use some kind of big tank as the set. He thinks it sounds great; Tom thinks it sounds weird. The Bishop convincingly argues that life is weird.
5. Head over to the Newbridge Sports Arena for a slapfighting demonstration.
Fontana tells Tom that the Pope will do more than just watch. He can't wait to see the Pontiff get in the nonagon and show off his stuff. Fontana told Keith Garfinkle and the other members of the Newbridge Redfaces not to go too easy on him. He's older, but Fontana thinks he should be tought enough to handle some forceful slaps. Fontana says that JP2 was a fan of slapfighting, and this became a bone of contention with the current Pope, who served as JP2's minder back then. B16 didn't like it, but JP2 would get in an hour of slapfighting every morning. Tom always heard that he was an avid swimmer, but Fontana says that was actually a load of s hit. He used swimming to cover for his love of slapfighting. JP2's first act as the Pope was to install a nonogan in the Vatican. It's now dormant, but Fontana hopes to spark some interest in B16 when he visits Newbridge. Tom briefly explains the sport even though Fontana is certain that everyone knows about it. He's also not sure how Fontana will lure the Pope into the fight cage. Fontana is certain that once the Pope hears the symphony of Keith Garfinkle making that big palm print on his opponent's visage, he will want to get in there and start slapping it out.
6. After applying the post-slap creams and salves to the Pope's face, they will go to Newbridge Acres, the Betty Ford Clinic of the Quint Cities.
Fontana just completed his detox there to rid himself of the bounty of The White Lady. He points out that while he is a man of the cloth, he's also flesh and blood like Tom, young Bryce, and Judge Davies, but not quite like the more troubled Reggie Monroe. Fontana doesn't put himself in the same category of Monroe because he's pretty sure he never went on a flagrant "pant rummage" on national television. Fontana is currently counseling young Reggie. He makes it clear that Tom and the listeners don't want to know what Reggie is up to now.
Fontana can’t wait to introduce the Pope to Wilhelm, the new night nurse at Newbridge Acres. He believes the Pope will saint him after he tries some of the herbal remedy called "blue". Tom learned about "blue" last week from Bryce, and Fontana says the lip balm is a holy experience. With all due respect to the Bishop, Tom says it seems like "blue" was taken to beat the coke problem, but it might be as bad or worse. Fontana has tried it, but he hasn't applied any today. He thinks it's "very, very, very, very, very, very good." Tom says it sounds like all the former coke addicts are just moving sideways to a new addiction, but Fontana says he sees it as more of a sacrament. Tom thinks that mindset is horrible.
Fontana can't believe that Tom had forgotten about Dylan, "Babs", "Ness", Fred, and “Chopper” from The Big Easy. Tom's not sure it's a great idea to have a pre-fab reality televison band perform for someone as prestigious as The Pope. Fontana labels Tom a naysayer. He hopes to hear the hit single "Bad Boy This, Bad Boy That" along with some deep cuts from Too Hot For TV. After the performance, Da Band will field questions from His Holiness for two hours. Tom can't believe he'd have enough Da Band queries to fill the alotted time. Fontana says he will bring him up to speed on Da Band in the limo, custom-made by Gene Simmons Toyota, en route to the arena. Tom didn't think the Pope would have to rely on transportation provided by the bassist from Kiss's car dealership. Fontana thinks the special vehicle is just one more incentive to come to Newbridge.
Fontana wants to get his foot in the door on this whole initiative by sending a Newbridge-centric gift basket to The Vatican. He plans to include some batter-buttled burgers, Troy Renfro's Steelers jersey, a gold muffler signed by Tom, a pony keg of Quint City stout, and a $20 gift certificate to the Denin-Clad Dad outlet. Tom can't imagine the Pope not using a $20 gift certificate to the Denim-Clad Dad. Fontana asks Tom if the amount is too much, but Tom's point was that even if it was $1,000, the Pope would have no desire for fatherly denim threads. Fontana thinks Tom will be more enthused about the hutPod donated by Craig Cooper. He wants Tom to come up with a suitable playlist for the Pontiff. Fontana has already loaded it with Newbridge bands like Mother 13, The Hey Whoah (new side project from Doug and Matt of The Hey Now), Barbershop Sweat, I-ron’s Reggae Challenge ("decent EP"), and The Gas Station Dogs. He even included some White Tyger. Fontana admits that it's cheesy, but it's also part of Newbridge history.
With the local bands in place, Fontana moved on to some papal-themed music, such as most of Born To Quit, the first album by the Smoking Popes, and "When In Rome, I Do the Jerk" by Rocket From The Crypt. Fontana wants to know if Tom can help get some exclusive content to add to the tracks donated by The Hold Steady and The Minions, a Dr. Dog side-project recently signed to Vava Records by label head Philly Boy Roy. He's specifically interested in Tom working his magic on Georgia, Ira, and James to secure an .mp3 of Yo La Tengo doing a musical version of Sam Kinison’s “Robo-Pope” or “Disco Pope” by The Prats, a now-forgotten Rough Trade band from the 1970s. Fontana says The Prats appear on the Rough Trade box set he owns. Fontana is also trying to re-unite the Vatican Commandos, Moby’s old Darien-CT-based hardcore rock 'n roll band. At this point, only Moby has agreed to participate. The other guys apparently have lives.
Fontana says his wife just texted him from the movie theater. He's late for Next, so he needs to splitsky soon. Tom makes a noise that indicates the film is bad news. He also informs Fontana that he doesn't think bishops are allowed to get married. Fontana says he's been married to Deirdre for 15 years, and he doesn't advertise the union. He never really checked the rules. Fontana is concerned about the potential infraction, but he's glad that he's not on the air. Tom tells him that he is on the air. Fontana tells Tom that he better not rat him. He sums up his predicament by saying "Jeepers Creepers".
He returns to the topic of Next because he doesn't want to blow $22 on two tickets. Fontana is a Nicolas Cage fan, and he still loves Valley Girl nearly 25 years after its initial release. He's especially fond of the scene where Hollywood punk Randy (Cage) tells the gals that the seenth music they listen to is gutless. Fontana thinks Randy had a point. Tom is a bit alarmed that he just glossed over his unauthorized marriage. Fontana explains his approach by quoting those Beatles: "We can work it out." Tom thinks he has a long road ahead of him. Fontana has to blaze, and he says he'll figure out the marriage thing. He blesses Tom on the way out by saying, "Love you, my son." Tom greatly appreciates a sign-off that didn't threaten bodily harm or death.
- While the bishop is in for a disappointing film, Tom discusses (starts at 1:44) his much more successful jaunt to see Hot Fuzz. Thumbs up for Hot Fuzz. I hope Tom doesn't change his mind when he finds out that Simon Pegg is really from Chicago! I saw Pegg on Kimmel last week, and he sounded exactly like Dennis Farina. Weird. Tom discovered that Pegg and Edgar Wright did what RR and QT were supposed to do with Griiiindhouse. They took a genre -- the American actioner/homo-erotic buddy film -- and instead of just aping it, they actually brought something to it. They made it entertaining, and they made it their own thing. Tom doesn’t need to see RR accomplish his mission of doing a tribute to a bad John Carpenter film. He tips his hat to the Hot Fuzz gang for making people lose their stuff in the last 30 minutes. Mike hasn’t seen it yet, but his brother liked it!
THREE MINUTES OF OPEN PHONES!!!!
- Dylan in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:47) to wholeheartedly disagree with Tom's bashing of Griiiindhouse. He thought both movies were incredible. Well, actually, he didn't. Dylan says that Death Proof was a little "all speech and dialogue", but it was "still good". Tom didn't care for the My Dinner With Andre blabfest, and he doesn't care for Dylan's uncontrollable toilet mouth. A typical Griiiindhouse fan proves Tom's point. Tom draws the line at the dopes and animals who think they are talking to their buddy instead of calling a live radio show.
My Dinner with Charlie: Basically, I make s hit up, alright, and don't clean it up, alright
- Michelle calls (starts at 1:49) from the road to report that she saw Hot Fuzz and Griiiiindhouse. She thought Planet Terror was pretty cool, but she almost fell asleep during QT's entry. While Tom thought both films were snoozes, he's excited by the prospects of the expanded cut of Death Proof, which is set to premiere at the Cannes Film Festival. He's looking forward to seeing what happens when QT cracks it open and lets it breathe:
"I was like a brutish American exploitation distributor who cut the movie down almost to the point of incoherence. I cut it down to the bone and took all the fat off it to see if it could still exist, and it worked. It works great as a double feature, but I'm just as excited if not more excited about actually having the world see Death Proof unfiltered." -- QT on the Death Proof Sordid Sentinels Edition
Tom hopes we get to see Stuntman Mike order the nachos instead of just stuffing them into his mouth like a wild beast. He'd then do a monologue about how much he loves nachos, followed by a scene of someone washing the dish in the back of the bar. Mike would like to spend some more time with the hillbilly. Michelle is baffled by the thought of a longer cut. She loved the hysterical Hot Fuzz, and, like Tom, appreciated the infusion of original chops into the genre riffage. Tom tells Michelle to drive safely, and she tells him to do the same. Tom tells her that he's not driving, but she says he can simply heed the advice after the show when he drives home.
- Bonnie calls (starts at 1:51) to divert the mini-open phone segment from cinema to her lackluster junior prom this past weekend. She decided that proms are either overrated or not her thing. After the prom, she went to her date's friend's house to watch geeks play Guitar Hero. Tom thinks the wonderful memory of a 45-minute "Bark At The Moon" session should be preserved in a scrapbook so she can show her grandchildren the image of two dummies fiddling around with a plastic guitar. He feels for Bonnie.
- Ted Leo calls (starts at 1:54) to announce that he won't be seeing Griiiindhouse anytime soon. Tom says he won't have the chance because it's gone. America made the wrong move by rejecting The Zodiac in favor of Wild Hogs, but they redeemed themselves by choosing Blades of Glory instead of Griiiindhouse. Ted apologizes for cold-calling while walking around the barren streets of Toronto with no access to an audio stream. Tom points out that Ted is up there with New Jersey backup in the form of the Nets. He gets an update on Game 5: Toronto won 98-96. Tom isn't too disappointed because he will now just see the Nets take the series at home in Game 6. Tom remembers going to Nets games (because he couldn't get into Knicks games) and seeing that one frat guy who gave himself the job of rallying the fans. He would go to the bottom lip of the upper deck to start an unsanctioned N-E-T-S chant. Nets management decided to just keep an eye on him instead of ejecting him from the arena. Ted agrees with that approach because antagonizing him could have yielded something much worse than unbridled enthusiasm. Tom says the frat guy was matched by a courtside lawyer whose face would turn purple from yelling. Ted wonders if this was during the era of the Collins twins, but Tom says the purple-faced litigator has been a fixture for a long time.
Teddy Rockstar says his rock tour has been disastrous, but fun. On the second night in D.C., Ted was tired and looking forward to an early night. However, when he turned the water on in the hotel shower, the knob exploded like a fire hydrant, depositing an inch of water throughout the entire room. Ted is surprised hotel managment believed the tale and didn't notify the police. He had to call the front desk several times because they didn't understand the severity of the flooding. The first response was a guy with a mop. This incident was a portent of lowlights to come. At a show in Minneap-olis, Ted's amp fell completely over backwards with his last old Echoplex that works stacked on top of it. About 30 seconds after that all shattered, the head stock on his B.C. Rich Warlock broke. Ted doesn’t name his guitars, but Tom thinks he should start. Tom suggests Cha Cha!, The Dominator, Spike, and the new trio of demented Captain Jack characters -- Blue Willie, Willis, and Louie the Liverpudlian. While Ted's been grappling with the perils of The Road, Captain Jack has been providing some lowlights for The Best Show. Ted adopts Tom's lingo to say that the band snatched a W from the jaws of a potential L every night by ultimately crushing the audience. He waded in the hotel water, and he never gave up.
The tour ends this coming Saturday at Webster Hall in NYC in what could be the last live show ever for Ted Leo and the Pharmacist. Teddy might let Rollins down and not get back in the van. He seriously doubts the show is a sellout, but Tom's hoping for one because he bought 60 tickets (flaw seats, I assume) to roll the dice on some scalping. Tom wants to know if Ted has any equipment smashing planned for the final show. Ted says he can't afford it because he spent more money on replacement gear in the last couple of weeks then he has in his entire quote unquote career. Tom wants to know what Ted thinks is the dumbest guitar shape of all-time. He picks the wood block carved into the shape of the U.S. and A. He recently saw one in L.A., and it was so alien, he briefly thought he might be able to get away with playing it. Tom once saw a guitar in the shape of a machine gun. This instrument was sending a message about its intentions to mow you down with riff-bullets (only pain, they don't end lives).
Ted was pleased to see many Newbridge-clad FOTs on the tour. Tom thought they might have tried to get free merch, but Ted says they were all very kind. Tom congratulates Ted on Living With The Living's impressive debut at #109 on Billboards. Ted assumes it dropped off the Top 200 because he stopped getting e-mails about it. Tom tells Ted to stay safe and give his regards to Big Steve and Little Danny.
- Bobby calls (starts at 2:06) to talk about Labyrinth, the 1986 Henson/Lucas fontasy film starring David Bowie. He thinks it's the best movie ever created, and he wants to let people know that it's mindblowing from start to finish. Bobby asks permission to do an impression of a big hairy monster named Ludo. Tom fears that he will regret it, but Bobby says he will try his best to do accurately capture Ludo. He adopts a Cookie Monster-y voice and performs a line in which Ludo tells Jennifer Connelly that he's hungry and smells bad. Tom tells him that he just did an impression of every Henson creation. Bobby doesn't necessarily disagree, but he does say that Henson was probably one of the best "creative-creators" (the best kind!) in the history of something called "man-mankind." Tom doesn't know what that is because he's not nuts, so Bobby explains that it refers to all man, everyman, inside the man, and outside the man. Tom GOMPs him for getting a little too into it.
Tom points out that this was the worst era for David Bowie. His atrocity-filled Tonight album includes a dreadful cover of "God Only Knows". Tom played the track a bit later in the show, and he initially suspects it was mastered at the wrong speed because it's indistinguishable from the Edward Furlong track.
- A caller expresses (starts at 2:09) his desire to make Living with the Living the new Rumours, the 1977 Fleetwood Mac album that has shifted 30 million copies worldwide. He's looking for a 200-week stay on Billboards. Tom has a plan. He tells the caller to wear a sandwich board to the Webster Hall show. The board should feature text that says "Buy Living with the Living!" on the front and "Let’s make it our Rumours" on the back. Tom wants the caller to become the rock equivalent of Freddy "Sez" at Yankees stadium or the purple-faced lawyer at Nets games. The caller does a quick Jay Leno routine about ticket scalpahs and signs off. Tom really hopes he's in the VIP opera box at the Ted Leo show because he can't go near guys like that. He will enter through the kitchen like Frank Sinatra to avoid the riff-raff. Tom will stare down at the floor and see the caller getting jostled around in the pit with his sandwich board.
Tom mentions the odd, ambient rimshots that Leno's band does after he uncorks a J-Lo joke. Tom can't imagine why Leno approved amorphous jazz as an appropriate comedy heightener.
- Erika from Baltimore calls (starts at 2:13) to say that she was scarred by
boredom David Bowie's package when she saw Labyrinth at age 8. Tom gets rid of Erika for filth talk. She should save it for Baltimore sports talk radio or the West Bawlmer precinct.
- Tom launches (starts at 2:15) a new topic based on his jury duty experience: The Best Things You’ve Overhead. He also recently overheard a gem at 7-11. A 12-year-old boy was teasing his seven-year-old brother near the drink coolers. They younger brother said, "Hey, stop pushing me, stupid" to no avail. Tom got a kick out of the squeaky-voiced request. The older brother later suggested getting some ice cream, and the younger brother yelled at him for not remembering that he didn't like ice cream. The older brother continued to press his buttons on the ice cream issue, and the younger one kept telling him he did not like the cold treat. Tom has a bad feeling about this topic, so he might throw a second one on the table.
- A caller asks (starts at 2:18) Tom if his station is running. Tom asks him if he should go catch it. Tom doesn't like the lame adaptation of the "running refrigerator" prank, but he enjoys the caller's one-button sign-off. Beep. He gives Mike strike one for letting him through and strike two for doing so after he claimed he played one of the goblins in Labyrinth. Tom thinks the caller should be on The Real Wedding Crashers, the most underwhelming thing he's ever seen. The perps started two small arguments at the wedding, which was enough for them to consider it totally crashed. Tom says that they were just being inappropriate, annoying jerks. This happens at every wedding. Since The Best Things You've Overhead is making Turk 182 It look like
How's What's Your Favorite Cookie, Tom starts to fear the L.
- Karen from JC calls to recount something her friend overheard at a diner in Providence, Rhode Island. There were two guys in line in front of her, and one of them finally came up with a solution to the age-old dilemma of the girl with three boobs. One for him, another for him, and just one boob for his friend. Tom doesn't like it. He doesn't traffic in porno radio.
- Eric in Chicago calls after consuming a big plate of hott green curry. He was similarly appalled by The Real Wedding Crashers, and he also saw some commercials for the American version of Thank God You’re Here. Tom can’t talk about it because there’s a chance he will be the newest addition to the TGYH players. Eric hopes Tom will be able to collaborate with comedy luminaries like Fran Drescher, Tom Arnold, and the underexposed Fred Willard. Tom wants to see less Fred Willard and Eugene Levy and more of his hero, Joe Flaherty. Harold Weir!
Tom considers Thank God You're Here less an improv comedy show and more like mental agility sales training. The show makes Eric mad, and he will also be livid when the Bulls get demolished by the Pistons. Tom GOMPs Eric because he thinks the matchup is the NBA Finals. The series is part of the second round of the playoffs, but the mistake turned out to be Eric's finals moments on Tom's shows.
- Showbiz Sean from L.A. calls to say he just left his fancy showbiz job for fancy showbiz unemployment. The fancy showbiz job let him write an episode of the fancy showbiz job, and now he has to leave to make his own way in the biz. The fancy showbiz job was the fancy show called Scrubs. Tom thinks Zach Braff seems fun, and Showbiz Sean says he's a nice guy. Tom hopes he appears on Thank God You're Here soon. While Tom likes Braff, he does point out that he doesn't seem sensitive enough and fails to look longingly at the camera as much as he'd like. Showbiz Sean thinks Aaron Sorkin's post-Studio 60 project should be a behind-the-scenes look at Thank God You're Here. If that didn't pan out, he could just write some scenarios about infant mortality rates in Zimbabwe. Tom would watch that.
Tom wants to know what's up with all the sound effects on Scrubs, and Showbiz Sean thinks they've cut back on the whoosh noises. Tom wonders if Comedy Central turned its entire programming lineup over to Scrubs. Showbiz Sean confirms that they signed an exclusive Scrubs-MAD TV-Carlos Mencia pack. Tom says he can tell time by checking out Comedy Central throughout the day: bad movie + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie + MAD TV / MAD TV / MAD TV + Scrubs + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie / The Mind of Mencia +South Park / Halfway Home + Dogma / Back To School + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie / Mencia / Scrubs + bad movie. Showbiz Sean says this is an accurate description of the network's daily slate. Tom doesn't like it. He hates it. Showbiz Sean would like to trade Mencia for some reruns of The Jack Benny Program. I'd trade the entire lineup for some Night After Night w/ Allen Havey re-airings. Tom would like to see Carlos Mencia get his foot run over. He doesn't desire a serious injury, but he would like to see the brazen comic come out wearing a giant cast boot. Showbiz Sean prefers to see a comically-large, flattened-out foot. Tom is hesitant to embrace that because it might be the only funny thing Mencia is ever responsible for. It might actually make him laugh.
Showbiz Sean has reverted to a Spike-like diet of Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, and local news, and Tom says it sounds like he's sliding down the ladder like Leaving Las Vegas. Tom recommends a splash of cold water and the aid of Zach Braff to help Showbiz Show bounce back. Tom heard that Braff was writing a motivational book called Braffisms. Showbiz Sean cannot confirm its publication, but he thinks it would be an effective audio book if it was read along with songs by The Shins and Thievery Corporation. Tom appreciates Braff turning him onto The Shins and changing his life four years after he first heard the band. Showbiz Sean spent a day as The Shins gopher when he worked as a PA on Gilmore girls. Tom wonders if the show contacted them because they needed four dead guys for a scene in a morgue. He likes the music, but he thinks the band needs to wake up in a live setting. In a ruthless turn of events, Tom abruptly GOMPs Showbiz Sean for no reason.
- Tom swaps out The Best Things You've Overhead for Mike's suggestion of a lightning round of predictions for the end of The Sopranos. Tom doesn't think HBO is doing themselves any favor by running a new Entourage episodes after the final run of The Sopranos. After an epic episode where every moment and decision is pregnant with disaster, Vince and the boys are darting around L.A. looking for the best spot for a pool pahty. Tom compares the massive shift in tone to shoveling cake in your mouth the second you finish eating dinner. He doesn't want to jam cotton candy down his throat after a huge bowl of pasta. Tom points out that every episode of Entourage conforms to the same template. E is concerned about Vince's career, but Vince just wants to hang out and see what's going on. Johnny Drama then pipes up (taking a break from one of his apron-clad cooking sessions) about how he learned how Hollywood really works from his stint on Viking Quest. Then Turtle makes a crack about Drama working in the 1930s "talkies" era and smokes some crippler. And then they cut to Ari Gold who starts blabbering about nonsense. Lloyd! Tom is pleased that Doug Ellin is raiding the MAD Magazine TV vaults and employing Will Sasso and Artie Lange.
- Jim calls from the Garden State Parkway to reveal the greatest thing he's ever overheard. Two women were at a roadside eatery in Texarkana, Arkansas. Jim was sitting by himself with his back to them. The topic of conversation was problems in their respective families that could possibly be traced back to inbreeding. They were rattling on with Jerry Springer-esque chatter about second cousins, and when Jim left he saw that they both looked like Vice-President Lon Chaney in mid-transformation. Identical werewolf women. Jim says he was once mistaken by a Japanese MTV camera crew for
an overweight Christopher Cross the singer for the Barenaked Ladies.
- Bob in New York calls to brag about not having a TV. He does manage to catch Entourage in hotels when traveling on business. He doesn't understand what demographic is choosing to have a half hour blatantly sucked out of their lives. Last Saturday night, Bob decided to peruse a new video-sharing website called U-Toob. He was thoroughly entertained by it for at least two hours. He saw some weird, screwy stuff, but overall, he thought the content was pretty good. Tom GOMPs Bob and wonders if he will next school him about Google. He tells Bob to join the television revolution because the days of Alice, The Jeffersons, and The Love Boat are long gone. There's good stuff available now.
Tom was in a diner, and he heard a women say the following to a male companion: "You know what, you’re a real pervert, that was real nasty what you just said." Tom couldn't see them at the time, and he badly wanted to slide into their table and beg them to repeat the offending comment.
- Christopher in Rhode Island double dips to offer a quote from a co-worker: "Yeah, there’s some pretty hot chicks where my wife goes and gets her chemo." Tom GOMPs him. He suspects the co-worker is living in a Todd Solondz lidblower on the suburbs.
- A caller catches a continuity error in Sunday night's gambling-centric episode of The Sopranos. He noticed that Tony is betting on basketball and football, but AJ attends the Puerto Rican Day parade, which takes place in June. He put the calendear together and got them. Tom helps the caller out by drafting a letter informing David Chase that he finally crossed the line.
- Blue Willie calls to say he once had a dog named Soprano. He thinks Tom is off his meds again and in need of a tweak to get his career back on his desired trajectory. Blue Willie says Tom always has a spot in the Barnacle Blues Band. He tells Tom that if he ends up in a Hollywood bungalow with some hooker about to pop that last balloon, he'll fly right out and rescue him. Tom says that Blue Willie is definitely on some kind of list that bans him from air travel. Blue Willie likes to name everything, and the band is currently cruising around in a vehicle called the "Lunar Module". It's an old Mercedes painted 10 shades of purple. He has an old generator called "Weezer" down below. It was named after a guy named Weezer McClaren, who gave it to them back in the 1980s. It recently seized, so Blue Willie will have to do a number on it to get it running again. Blue Willie requests that Tom put that "Worcestershire sauce cat" back on the air for 40 minutes so he can listen to it while he greases Weezer. Bue Willie calls Tom a "down girl" and has the nerve to hang up on him.
- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls to lament that he has friends who love American Beauty. WJ didn't like the film, and he's excited that Tom feels the same way. He points out that Blue Velvet exposed the dark underbelly of suburbia 10 years before American Beauty anyway. Stressed-out real estate agents and gay military men don't do it for WJ and Tom. Tom also rips Arnold Diaz for going after the slobs. He's looking forward to the Slob Revolution.
Weirder Jon was on NJ Transit heading into Penn Station, and he overheard a conversation of friendly one-upping. At one point, someone was flaunting a trip to Sea World by announcing that they've always been into manatees. WJ can't imagine anyone being impressed by that line, and Tom thinks it's a fanatastic contribution to the topic.
- Chris L in Maryland calls to say he has a sinking feeling that The Sopranos is heading for an anti-climactic ending just to screw with audience expectation. He fears that they will find the most obscure thing of the series to precipitate Tony’s downfall. Tom mocks people who still long for the return of The Russian from the woods. Tom is surprised that Chris L wasn't excited to see 40 minutes Vito's dynamic son in the last episode. Tom heard about the possibility of a spinoff series that would take place at the Idaho camp for troubled goth kids. Mike thinks it would be similar to Meatballs. Tom imagines the phone call from the agent for the actor who plays Vito, Jr. The good news is that he's back on the show. The bad news is that the script dictates that he adopt a goth look that Phil Leotardo compared to a "Puerto Rican whore" and do some other unpleasant stuff.
- A caller from Gainesville, Georgia, unleashes the worst Southern accent of all-time. He doesn't cotton much to television. Tom GOMPs him for not knowing his zip code, a telltale indicator of fakery. I think this was Henry Owings.
- Tom opens it up to the people to decide if the show is a W or an L. A female caller votes W because of the awesome last half hour, but then Bob in Memphis disgraces himself by declaring it an L. Tom GOMPs him because it was a great show. A rout. He was only being humble. The Best Show remains undefeated in 2007. 15-0. Tom salutes the sad and dedicates the show to the Labyrinth guy.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom recaps his stint in "Cliff's Corner" at Game 6 of the Nets vs. Raptors series, Keith Garfinkle discusses strategy (increase mitt oil, more uppercuts, etc.) for his first papal battle, Netflix founder Reed Hastings checks in talk about the recent runs on Labyrinth and Clifford, and a battalion of Roombas invade the studio.