"Just so you know, Spike, The Riches is a show that's on something called cable television. You can’t get that with your rabbit ears." -- Tom, informing Spike of the limitations of his dungeon's entertainment system
"It actually was better than Grindhouse!" -- Tom on the double feature shown in the jury room
"And I'm not just talking about the men." -- Tom, noting that his fellow jurors looked like Tenacious D guitarist Kyle Gass
"This guy's in court! Sweatpants! -- Tom on one of his slovenly peers
"I don't know if you ever knew this about me, but I used to hit the old bong pretty heavy. I think I hid it pretty well." -- Bryce, admitting to past drug use
"They took me on a very long, very costly, very intense ski trip." -- Bryce on his extended vacation with Werner and Rutager
"Stop or I'll shoot ye! Ye must step back!" -- Officer Harrups, barking some vintage orders
"I think like um like um I like got like shot and stuff?" -- Pudge on the possibility that he was hit by a musket blast
"Hey, aunt Susannah." -- Seth Galifianakis, giving a shout-out to his New Jersey hostess
"Jesus has risen, but the biscuits haven't." -- famous North Carolina Easter saying
"My cab driver's name was Foosball or something like that like Foosball. Or Ping Pong or something. It was crazy." -- Seth, discovering the cultural differences in New York City
"Those margaritas, you'd think they'd go away, but I'll tell you what, they still kickin' in a little bit." -- Seth on the lingering effects of the T.G.I. Friday's drinks he had earlier in the day
"It seems like you have a lot to say, and I think you'd probably be pretty wry." -- Saul Tompkins on Seth's potential as a stand-up comedian
"Newark is very nice." -- Tom on the cite of the Galifianakis family reunion
"Alright, that's it. He's gone. He's gone." Seth on Zach's landmark decision to pick Morris Day over Gloria Estefan
"We. both. like. ca-la-mari. We. both. like. The Fugees." -- Seth, finding some common ground with Zach
"The phone lines are lightin' up!" -- Seth, showing off his radio skills
"It's got that fat Scientologist in it and that colored guy that went crazy." -- Seth, running through the cast of Wild Hogs
"You want the girl in laff? Do you wanna a nice care in laff? Do you wanna be somethin' in laff? Anything in laff?" -- Seth, giving a pep talk to the Flaming Arrows
"One of my dreams is to tickle the jet engine of an American Airlines flight with one of my kites." -- Seth, aiming high
Rachel Sweet - "Cuckoo Clock"
( Click here to buy the Fool Around re-issue)
Tommy Keene - "Landscape" (from the OOP Strange Alliance)
( Click here to visit Keene headquarters)
Imperial Teen - "You're One"
( Click here to buy Seasick)
Scientists - "Swampland"
( Click here to buy Blood Red River 1982-1984)
Nervous Patterns - "No Control"
( Click here to buy Nervous Patterns)
MDC - "Business On Parade"
( Click here to buy Millions of Dead Cops/More Dead Cops)
Citizens Arrest - "A Light in the Darkness"
( Click here to visit the Citizens Arrest Myspace page)
Deep Wound - "Time To Stand"
( Click here to visit the Deep Wound Myspace page)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Get ready. Here comes the recap. DUCK!
Tom is undefeated in 2007* -- 13 "W"s in a row (including the two marathon shows). Can he make it 14? Tom could not achieve a Cal Ripken-like streak of consecutive shows, but that’s not really what it’s all about. We don’t want to hear Tom scrape the bottom of the barrel in a state of illness. He needed to spend some time on the pine to get healthy. He came back last week stronger than ever to fight another day and bring the best stuff he’s got.
Tom reiterates that there will never be another open-phone Tuesday. Those days are gone. He compares the change in policy to the FAA prohibiting passengers from stowing their Stephen Stills commemorative knives under their seats. Tom initially blames listeners for ruining the free-form fun of open phones, but he remembers that it’s his fault. He was driving the bus, and he let the mutants take a turn at the wheel every five minutes. Tom has now assumed sole command of The Best Show route. Despite Tom’s edict, two lines are flashing. Who are these gutsy callers? Mike the Associate Producer tells Tom that Spike is on line #2. Tom’s not sure if he can handle Droopy Zippermouth tonight. He decides to accelerate the show with a Queens Two for Tuesday -- line #1’s Ben and his creepy new buddy.
"X" marks the Jew: A scene from the fourth episode of FX's latest atrocity
- Ben and Spike offer (starts at 28:45) examples of their borough's spectrum of residents -- the normal and the deranged. Speaking of exposes of American life, Ben wants to follow-up on Tom’s mention of The Riches during Petey’s call on last week’s program. He got excited because he wanted to hear The Kid’s take on the show, but then the conversation turned to Tyra Banks and Dick Kiel. Tom says that he checked out after four episodes. Ben’s time with the show was similarly short-lived. Tom informs Spike that The Riches is a show that airs on something called “cable” television, which he cannot bring in with his rabbit ear antennas no matter how much tin foil he wraps them in. Spike claims that he is familiar with cable, and, in fact, manages to pull these channels into his dungeon. Tom wants to know who he’s stealing cable from, but Spike says he pays for it just like everybody else. He claims to have a premium package that includes Home Box Office, Showtime (Spike is undoubtedly a big fan of Dexter and Red Shoe Diaries reruns), Encore, and the Canadian movie channel Sars!
Spike has heard of The Riches, but hasn’t had a chance to sample it. Tom says The Riches is in line with all of the other dysfunctional FX offerings, which are overloaded with messed-up, defective characters. In the case of The Riches, Tom thinks the lady across the street’s threat to tell on the family of con artists was enough dramatically. But in FX land, her fake arms falls off because everybody’s got a monkey on their back and a skeleton in their closet. Ben says he just wanted to see some fun Eddie Izzard hoodwinking shenanigans. He thinks the premise of gypsies roaming around should have been fun. Alas, the gypsies had no home, and the FX network has no fun. The show bummed Tom out. Tom dismisses Ben, so he can get a quick update on the world of Spike. He’s sick of “Sanjune”, the stupid kid from American Idol who has riveted a nation with his poor singing and crazy haircuts. The topic sets off a mini-return to the Abbot & Costello riffage that is often a highlight of Spike calls:
Tom: I like him.
Spike: You like him. Well, you and Howard.
Tom: Who’s Howard?
Tom: Howard who?
Spike: Howard Stern.
Tom: The Anna Nicole guy?
Spike: No. Na-na-na-no. Art, the real Howard Stern.
Tom: Art? Who’s Art?
Tom: You said “Art” and How--
Spike: Na-na-no. Howard Stern.
Tom: Yeah, Anna Nicole’s lawyer.
Spike: No, uh-no -- I meant Howard Stern as in Robin Quivers’s Howard Stern.
Tom: What? The wha-ba-ba-ba?
Spike: Robin. Jo. Quivers.
Tom: Is that like one of his other clients or something?
Spike: Wha-whatever. But anyway, he’s telling people to vote for this person …
Tom notes that Spike is not suffering any fools tonight because he needs to burn through the topics on his agenda for the call. Spike says he’s also sick of the person who came into his city today: The Village Idiot aka The Shrub. Tom wonders if Spike is referring to Al Gore, but he’s actually talking about George W. Bush, the current White House resident. Tom calls him the President because that’s what he is. He's a registered voter in New Jersey, New York, and Maryland, so he was able to vote for Bush three times. Tom reveals that he took a little road trip on election day, and he quickly realizes that he should not be admitting that over the air. Whoops.
Spike can’t imagine why Tom would want to vote for Bush even one time. Tom gave him a trio of votes because GWB is an American hero and not a flip-flopper like Spike’s candidate John Kerry. Spike says he “didn’t really vote” for Kerry. Tom suspects Spike punched a ticket for Sexy Sadie, but he's wrong. Spike voted for Cookie Louise Schwartz. Spike’s marble-mouthed delivery of the lady’s name sounds a bit like Lyndon LaRouche. Tom wants to know if Spike is one of those LaRouche operatives impeding his entry into the post office. Spike assures Tom that he would never vote for that idiot. Tom tells him that he is free to disagree with LaRouche’s political views, but he must keep the conversation civil.
Spike repeats that he supported Cookie Louise Schwartz’s campaign, and Tom commends him for not throwing his vote away. He thinks it was fantastic that Spike decided to make a statement by supporting a fringe candidate. Tom suggests voting for Pat Paulsen in the next election. Spike is excited to hear that the deceased satirist is making a sixth bid for the White House. Tom tells Spike to just vote Scharpling in 2008 if he’s content to flush his vote down the turlet. He GOMPs Spike for being an un-American slob. Once Spike is gone, Tom admits to enjoying when people vote for someone outside of the two-party system. Cool. In 2004, I voted for Randee of the Redwoods. He lives in the woods behind the old Gap Kids & Baby Gap at the Mendocino Commons.
Urban Jurors: Tom mixes it up with the slobs as he fulfills his civic duty
- Tom discusses (starts at 35:39) the opposite of a party he had today: jury duty. He says it was the most painful 7* hours of his life since his bout with a kidney stone. The experience drained Tom on a deep, core level. Since he was forced to serve, Tom now wishes that everybody else is given the opportunity to get equally drained. (No, he doesn't.) Tom does understand that a jury comprised of one's peers is a vital part of the American judicial system, so he dutifully arrived at the designated Newbridge courthouse to wait in line at the security checkpoint. Tom says he's never seen anybody more overwhelmed by a job than the poor officer manning the metal detector. The guy was losing his mind every 40 seconds. In his defense, the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald later reported that he had to arrest four people for having "blue" residue hidden in their Aquafina bottles. Tom sensed that he wasn't new to the job, but he was drenched in sweat and yelled at everyone. In the course of instructing visitors to remove the contents from their pockets, he yelled the followed tidbit about currency construction three times: "Coins are made of money!"
Tom concluded that if any serious action ever went down in the courthouse, this lightweight would likely grab a human shield. He predicts that the coward might also attempt to climb inside the the metal detector chamber to hide. As a result, his X-rayed image would appear on the little screen. Tom cleared the checkpoint and was quickly herded into a giant room along with 150 other people who learned to like America a little less. He felt a vibe that indicated that people were more satisfied with their country yesterday. With the jury pool assembled, court officials rolled a double feature that Tom preferred to Griiiindhouse. The first film, The Legal System, was a bad-and-it-knows-it affair along the lines of Planet Terror. It was followed by the Death Proof-y You, The Juror. The guy seated behind Tom was snoring through the dialogue-heavy first half of the second feature, but he woke up in time to hear the narrator stress how the jury system is crucial to preserving justice in America. The guy disagreed with the sentiment and said "BS" in a voice that was far too loud to be appropriate for the setting.
Tom was baffled that the guy was trying to assume the role of class clown during jury duty. Tom didn't want anyone rocking the boat and prompting a reprimand from the judge. Tom was able to place You, The Juror's production date in the late-1970s due to an image of an old-school cassette recorder. He wasn't impressed with the acting, which was on par with the non-prevert scenes from adult cinema. The film was made by the appropriately-named Media Productions, an obscure independent company that lurked in the shadows of the Roger Corman/AIP empire. I've actually seen two other MP releases: Subsidize Me (1977), a groundbreaking documentary on Midwestern agriculture, and White Lady Fever (1979), a taut little drug caper starring Jan-Michael Vincent, Lynn Lowry, and George Kennedy.
After the screening, Tom surveyed the room and discovered 150 of the most defeated people ever. While God crafted people in all different shapes and sizes, the people in this room were much more uniform. Tom thought he might have stumbled into an audition for one of those old Alka-Seltzer commercials. He says the apparent template for a 2007 American juror is Kyle Gass ... and he's not just talking about the men. They called Tom's number (37*1), and he went into the courtroom with the next wave of people to be questioned about obtaining one of the lucky eight seats for the trial. The guy called before Tom was wearing sweatpants a la Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Tom admits to not wearing a spiffy suit like PFT, but he did at least put on some clean, court-appropriate attire. He thinks "Carl" was underdressed even if he just rolled out of bed to go to the gym. Tom predicts that a Bally's employee would tell him to head back home to spruce himself up a bit. He does give "Carl" credit for grabbing sweats without any writing on them.
Tom offers some important advice for people who find themselves in the jury pool, the DMV, or a movie theater. He reminds them to be aware that other people are seated behind them when they launch into their intense stretching exercises. Tom wonders if people can no longer distinguish between their homes and public places. He was minding his Ps & Qs when the guy in front of him nearly touched his face with his fully-extended arms. Tom had to duck to elude the flailing limbs. He also heard a couple of great conversations in the jury room. The BS guy was performing a monologue about sump pumps for another guy who had no interest in hearing about sump pumps. The guy sitting next to that guy later proposed a theory about why all the illegal stuff was going down: too many laws. Tom is not a proponent of this theory and does not think it's a good idea to start deleting laws from the books.
The highlight for Tom was being privy to half of a cell phone chat from a guy a few rows in front of him. The guy was asking the unseen caller on the other end if he currently looked idiotic and/or stupid. Tom could not hear the response, but he believes the guy is stupid because the other person could not see him at the time of the query. After a long pause, the guy recommends that the other person read a book by a Chinese author. Tom correctly predicted that it was The Art of War by Sun Tzu. How did Tom know that pick was coming? It's the only book of Chinese origins that anybody knows.
The bottom line: Tom paid his dues amongst the (sober) defeated masses. He is a true American. He also splurged for a fancy, $5 lunch. Tom thinks that if Tom Waits observed his jury room, he'd realize that he's a mere piker, writing songs that don't go nearly far enough in depicting the seedy underbelly and bruised dreams of America.
- A caller offers (starts at 50:52) Tom condolences for what sounded like one heckuva bad day. Tom says it was an interesting experience even though he would have rather avoided it. The caller points out that they call it "jury duty" because it's part of the duties of citizenship. Tom says that at one point a judge came in to swear everyone in en masse like some kind of Rev. Sun Myung Moon wedding. He told the potential jurors that they were all wearing invisible black robes (an invisible upgrade for "Carl"), and the caller points out the incongruity of something possessing color yet also being invisible. The robes made everyone official judges of the facts of the case. The caller says that Tom's judge voice makes him sound like Judge Larry Seidlin, the showboating barrister who proceeded over hearings about the final disposition of Anna Nicole Smith's remains. Tom suspects that all judges play to the crowd, and the caller thinks they are all auditioning for a television gig.
The caller has an idea to get Tom out of his jury duty funk. He thinks Tom should cue up something from Hampton Roads on 7/17/75. Tom's not sure what that is, so the caller explains that it's a Grateful Dead show. Tom says he's not much of a Dead fan and asks the caller if he's familiar with the program. The caller says that he is and proposes something from Blues for Allah, the Grateful Dead's 1975 studio recording. Tom's still not buying The Dead as an effective funk reducer and instructs the caller to listen to the program for a few weeks to get a better feel for the playlists. The caller says he'll settle for "Me Without You" by Bobby & The Midnites. Tom says he also won't be playing any Dead side-projects. The caller thanks Tom anyway and tells him to have a good night. Before he hangs up, Tom asks him for his name. It's Bryce. Tom tells the caller that there's a Bryce who frequently calls the show to discuss the Grateful Dead. The caller claims that he's this Bryce. Tom doesn't believe him, and the caller insists that he's Bryce Prefontaine. Tom says that the Bryce Prefontaine he knows sounds like a stoned hippy, littering his riffs with a barrage of "hey, man"s. He's shocked that this is that Bryce.
Bryce explains that he's been going through some really, really heavy stuff for the past month. In a nutshell, he just emerged from a colossal fog that he's been in for about a decade. He's speaking in his actual voice thanks to cleaning up at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility, the Betty Ford Center of the Quint cities. He's calling on his final night at the facility, which is out where the old Newbridge Fudge Foundry used to be before it wilted and then eventually liquefied. Tom is familiar with the location. Bryce is excited to go home tomorrow and begin a whole new chapter of his life as a new man. Tom asks Bryce if the facility is near Captain's Donuts, and he confirms that it is close to the second Captain's Donuts store. Bryce isn't sure what happened to the original one on the other side of Muffler Row. This was a childhood haunt for Bryce, who was especially fond of the sprinkles the Captain applied to the donuts. Tom remembers it looking like it had been disassembled, as though someone took it apart brick by brick. Bryce has the same recollection and says the pieces were eventually carted off one day. He also remembers something about the store getting impaled on a church steeple. This doesn't ring a bell for Tom.
Bryce says that he's assembled all of the potato chips he's received for being sober, and he gets to eat them on his final night as a "taste treat". Bryce isn't sure if Tom know this about him, but he reveals that he used to hit the bong pretty heavily. He thinks he hid his drug use pretty well. Tom laughs and proceeds to tell Bryce that he took three bong hits during every call he made to the program. Bryce is surprised to hear this, but he's now even more relieved that he got help. Tom thinks it's fantastic that he's finally cleaning up his act. In addition to partaking of his share of the God's green, Bryce says he also became addicted to another substance after coming in close contact with their old German buddy, Werner. He entered a whole new depth after Werner and his brother, Rutager, took him on a very long, very costly, and very intense "ski trip". Tom gets the reference, which is a slang term for a cocaine binge. Bryce tells Tom that he was not the only person in Newbridge who went on the trip. He says it got really, really, really bad for a lot of residents, and it all came to a head about 2-3 weeks ago at the bi-annual Colonial Days, a popular three-day street festival that celebrates a return to the days of yesteryear.
A patient arrives to check in at the spacious yet sparsely populated Newbridge Civic hospital
Bryce realizes that Tom may not know anything about this because he was in the hospital due to an upset tummy or gas. Tom tells him that he had a kidney stone. Bryce wonders if Tom went to Newbridge General, but he actually opted for Newbridge Civic. Bryce heard that Civic was monstrous, and Tom says that it was weirdly understaffed for a hospital of that size. Tom kept ringing an old-fashioned bell on the counter like he was in an old hotel. Bryce says it sounds like something out of Marcus Welby, MD. Tom compares it to going into a stationery store and ringing the bell to get attract some attention from the hidden storekeeper. He says that someone eventually came down after a 35 minutes of dinging. Bryce imagines that the wait would have been even more troubling if Tom had a really bad upset stomach. Tom tells him that it was really bad. Bryce wants to know if it's true that Newbridge Civic has a jai-alai arena in their sports medicine department. Tom doesn't know anything about that, but he thinks it sounds plausible in terms of available space. While it would be an odd feature for a hospital, Tom thinks it could be used for advanced forms of physical therapy. Bryce says he'll check out their website for more information and apologizes for getting so far off-topic.
Bryce gets back on track and starts to fill Tom in on the hooliganistics that transpired during Colonial Days. He thinks it's sort of ridiculous that there are two per year, but the town really loves it. At the event last September, Keith Kincaid, Tom's satanic neighbor, won "Best Powdered Wig". Tom and Bryce give listeners a little background on the event, noting that people can churn their own butter and dress in up traditional period garb. While costumes are not required, Bryce mentions that you are looked on in favor if you don some breachers and knickers. Colonial Days also features food vendors, and this time around Werner and Rutager operated a funnel cake stand. Bryce asks Tom to guess what the duo mixed in with their liberal sprinkles of powdered sugar on every funnel cake. Tom gets it right: coke. Tom thinks this covert drug-delivery method is terrible. Bryce says that they made their cart look just like a little ski lodge and gave it the unsubtle name of "Das Blow Bar". Despite flaunting it with fairly obvious visual and text clues, Bryce says that nobody really caught wind of what they were doing. The counter was made of four welded-together railroad rails.
Barry Dworkin and Chet Thompson torment a gold-encrusted Pablo Fontana in the Colonial Days chillout room
In order to hook festival attendees, Werner and Rutager offered the first funnel cake for free. After people tasted the sweet nose candy, they kept coming back to demand more and more funnel cakes. Bryce says that they were instantly addicted to the powerful, Keith Richards-grade product that was sprinkled on subsequent funnel cakes. The scene became an "insane madhouse" after Bishop Pablo Fontana started sampling the funnel cakes. Fontana is known as the "pop-culture pontiff" because he weaves his vast knowledge of entertainment -- e.g., the names of all the players on the current season of The Apprentice -- into his sermons. He was so in the thrall of the funnel cakes that he actually ended up stabbing Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian to get his cakes more quickly. Bryce says that the only police presence on the scene was Officer Harrups, who was taking his traditional vow of strict Colonial living for the duration of the festival. For three days, Harrups transports himself back to the stone age to completely immerse himself in a world devoid of any modern trappings. He is without his walky-talky and radio, so he has no way to efficiently communicate with other law enforcement personnel. Bryce says that Harrups was forced to try to maintain order armed with only an old musket and a quill. Without any proper tools, the not-so-hot fuzz resorted to running around and yelling, “Stop or I’ll shoot ye!”. Bryce isn't sure if this is even an authentic warning for the period, but the infantryman did repeat it 30 times. Tom says that if Harrups was going to violate any tenet of living in Colonial times, he maybe should have violated the rule that forbid using a police-issued firearm and a walky-talky.
Bryce reports that Harrups did manage to get one musket shot off at Rutager, but he missed the German mark. He did strike that poor kid Pudge right in the calve. Bryce ran over to help him, but Pudge was very vague about whether or not he was okay. Bryce got infuriated with him. Tom has had the same experience in his conversations with Pudge, who refuses to own anything. Bryce says that Pudge wasn't entirely sure if he got shot and said "and stuff" 50 times. It became hypnotic and also incredibly annoying, so Bryce just walked away and let Pudge have at it. He couldn't figure out what Pudge's deal was, but he knew it wasn't for him. Meanwhile, Werner and Rutager continue to rake in the cash because it's taking an eternity for Harrups to reload his musket. The bumbling lawman kept dropping his powder horn, not to be confused with a horn hat like those Vikings wore. All of the children were laughing at the Harrups, who became mad and started yelling profanities back at them. Bryce says Harrups is not exactly an imposing figure in his powdered wig, knickers, and stockings. Pandemonium starts to break out as all the gakked-out Newbridge residents are screaming and yelling. Some Cub Scouts informed Harrups that the f-bomb didn't exist during Colonial times, so technically he couldn't use it. As they are catching him in an inconsistency, they are poking him in the bottom with his quill. Bryce says the scene was hilarious and expects that it will eventually show up on YouTube. He also thought it was terrifying because it was essentially a big coke frenzy.
At this point, a huge, muscle-bound guy takes the musket and wraps it around the head of Harrups just like in one of those cartoons. Bryce says there was a photo of the incident on the front page of the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald. The guy who did the deed was identified as Horse from The Jock Squad, Radio Hut's in-house technical support crew. Tom says that he's spoken to Horse, and Bryce says that he seemed weird. Tom says he’s very intense. Horse then made Officer Harrups eat his own powdered wig as part of a four-course meal. The other courses included his stockings, his ruffled shirt, his breaches, and his underbreaches. Bryce says it was sick. Things got so out of hand that the Old Westbridge branch of the National Guard had to come in and restore order. Bryce thinks the event will become one of those amazing stories that will be handed down from generation to generation. Tom is very disappointed that he missed all the excitement. Bryce says it's the kind of thing that only comes along every 100 years like back on August 17, 1914 when Cyrus Dalrymple I ascended to the heavens, twirled his handlebar mustache, and did a backflip in front of all the people of Newbridge. Tom wasn't around for that one either, and Bryce wishes there was photography back then to capture the historic moment. Tom thinks photography actually did exist at that time. Bryce disagrees.
Bryce says that Werner and Rutager were able to escape, possibly to Port Newbridge to get on a (das blow?) boat. The damage was already done as they put many people under the spell of The White Lady. Bryce estimates that 70 percent of Newbridge are currently residing at Newbridge Acres, where there is not a single empty bed. Tom says that explains things. He went to Newbridge Commons the other day and The CD Submarine, Radio Hut, and the Pancake Promenade were all closed. Bryce says that Radio Hut owner Craig Cooper was his roommate at Newbridge Acres. He discovered that he was a very trying guy to be around. Craig took over the Radio Hut chain after his father, Jeff, was put on a barge and pushed out to sea. The famed geneticist Adolf von Trimble is also there. Tom knows his son, two-inch racist Timmy von Trimble. Adolf made Timmy appear in 1972 after an anti-aging experiment went horribly awry.
The facility is also currently home to Keith Garfinkle, a power forward for the Newbridge Redfaces, former Ye Olde Burger Barn proprietor Augie Richards, disgraced Survivor contestant Reggie Monroe, and Tom's co-worker, Darren Ploppleton. Tom never knew Darren's last name. Bryce doesn't blame him for keeping it under wraps, and he asked Darren why his
descendants ascendants forefathers didn't alter the weird surname. Bryce says the question brought out some of Darren's family pride. Darren told Bryce that he and Tom are in a band called The Consolidated. He believes that Tom ruined the band because he didn’t have the stones to quit Consolidated Cardboard and dedicate himself to music. Tom considered it "hobby rock" for a corporate talent show, but Darren said the dissolution of the band was one of his great life regrets. Kim Dalrymple, Darren's girlfriend and The Consolidated's tambourine player, is also at Newbridge Acres. In keeping with the musical theme, Bryce says that cocaine addiction also struck all the guys in White Tyger and Sheila Larson, the ex-wife of rock star Corey Harris from Mother 13. Bryce isn't sure if Harris is dead or alive. Tom tells him that Harris called the program from a hospital in Kathmandu after he pulled some stupid stunt.
Bryce says that he's dating Sheila, and they plan to live together once he straightens out the deed to his lean-to in the woods behind Newbridge Commons. Tom is pleased to hear Bryce in this coherent, balanced state. Bryce says that a lot of people are making it through to the other side, including some who are in a wing reserved for people who are not grappling with the Bolivian problem. The embattled Judge Montgomery Davies is in the non-coke wing, and Bryce says he tried to fashion a device out of a roll of toilet paper, a deflated soccer ball, and a power chord to a Pot 80 Porta-Ghetto. Craig Cooper brought the Porta-Ghetto in for nighttime dance parties to relieve tension. Bryce says that the staff seals them in at 6 p.m. before they leave and return at 9 a.m. the next morning. Tom thinks the lack of 24/7 professional supervision sounds dangerous, but Bryce says there are no substances around, so they are just talking things out, having fun, and dancing. Unfortunately, there's one guy who always ruins it by complaining about the music choices. He's actually there right now, and he comes on the line.
It’s Zachary Brimstead, Esq., and he wants to know who he's talking to. Tom says he's on a WFMU radio show. Brimstead now remembers Tom as the boy who had the high school radio show. Tom tells him it's not a high school station, but Brimstead says it sounds like it. Tom reminds him that he's hasn't even been listening. Brimstead tells Tom that he can't talk to him like that because he’s the new spokesperson for the Barbizon Modeling Agency. Tom wonders why any agency would hire him, let alone an established outfit like Barbizon. Brimstead says he's employed by the Barberzon Agency, which specializes in placing barbershop singers in print ads for model airplane products. He vows that once he gets out of Newbridge Acres, he will rule the roost because he overcame his addictions to cakes, candies, candied cakes, and shoe-based pornographies. He begs Tom not to judge, but Tom can't resist judging him. Brimstead becomes disgusted with Tom and tells him to shut up and go away. Brimstead leaves to give birth to a Gentlemen's Agreement fan and signs off with “Late”. Bryce returns and says he will die happy if he never comes in contact with Brimstead again. Tom calls ZB the bane of his existence.
Bryce says there is a new nurse who stays behind at night at Newbridge Acres to make sure everything is fine. He's a great guy named Wilhelm, who is just off the boat at Port Newbridge. He hails from the old country, possibly Austria. Bryce thinks he's super nice and describes his look as kind of like Herman Rarebell from The Scorpions but with much longer hair and the bushiest gray mustache you've ever seen in your life. The color of the mustache clashes with his pitch-black locks. Tom thinks that sounds like a troubling image. Bryce says Wilhelm has been sharing a folk remedy that has everyone at Newbridge Acres calm and enjoying life. The remedy is an herbal compound in the form of a balm that is smeared on the lips like ChapStick. Bryce has only tried it a few times, but it gave him a very pleasing feeling. He says that after its applied, you feel like you're floating in the womb or space for a couple of minutes, and then you wake up 19 hours later feeling good. Wilhelm touts it as a natural relaxant, and Bryce says that everyone loves it. The balm has a weird, long German-sounding name, but Wilhelm just calls it "blue". Tom thinks "blue" sounds like a drug. Bryce says that while Werner can't legally sell the herbal remedy in a retail store, he plans to vend it out of the massive old deep fryer that has been sitting outside of the Ye Olde Burger Barn where all those rats used to live. Bryce thinks the fryer was actually the original Batter Butler buttle chamber. Tom has kept his distance from the Batter Butler circuit because he always thought the restaurant and its buttled fare were disgusting. Bryce was a fan of the food.
Bryce says that everyone will get released from Newbridge Acres tomorrow, and Wilhelm has assured them that he'll be open for business at 9 a.m. Bryce predicts that most people will start lining up at 7 a.m. to get their balm. Tom thinks it sounds like he’s swapping one drug for another drug. Bryce is convinced it's good stuff, and he thinks he can get Tom a sample of "blue". Tom is not interested in trying it, but Bryce spots Wilhelm and asks him for some blue anyway. He then slathers some "blue" on his lips, emits two quiet, mildy-stoned "oh man"s, and falls asleep. Tom is bracing for the new, mysterious Newbridge drug epidemic and thinks it might be time to leave town.
- A nervous Seth Galifianakis is live in the studio to make (starts at 1:41) his radio debut. He asks Thomas if he allows shout-outs. Tom says he doesn't usually do them, but he lets Seth proceed if he has some people he wants to shout out to. Seth is visiting his aunt Susannah in Secaucus, and he just wants to do a shout-out to her and stuff because she is probably tuning into the show. He tells her "Hey", and Tom confirms that the shout-out was broadcast over the air.
Seth thinks that Tom plays a lot of weird music and wonders if he ever plays any music people know about. Seth asks Tom if he's familiar with Smash Mouth. Tom's heard of the band, and Seth says he likes "All Star", their smash hit that was featured in Shrek. Seth sings a snippet ("Hey, everybody get down now ...") and declares Smash Mouth his favorite group, along with Rascal Flatts. Tom recalls seeing Rascal Flatts frontman Gary LeVox on the Grammys and noticed that he looked like circa-1985 Larry Bird. Seth agrees that he does look like a slower version of Larry Bird.
Seth wants to know if Tom has any new INXS featuring the singer they found on the reality television show after their former singer had sex with a car ("auto-erotic fixiation"). Tom doesn't think the new INXS record is in the WFMU library. Seth keeps trying to find some common musical ground with Velvet Revolver, the supergroup with the guy who does all that heroin and stuff. Seth is not into that drug scene, but he likes their music. Seth knows that the band features one guy from Guns 'N Roses, but he can't recall the other members' origins. Tom tells him it's a few GNR guys and the guy from Stone Temple Pilots. Tom wonders if VR is representative of Seth's musical interests. They are, and he also likes Korn. Seth says he was initially drawn to the band because they spell their band name with a "k". This suggested that they were wild and different, and Seth is always trying to seek out that kind of music and stuff. Seth thinks Tom might want to take a cue from him and start mixing it up a little more.
He also likes some of the newer stuff that the Oak Ridge Boys are doing. Tom didn't even know they had new material. Seth just saw them in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and they played a lot of new songs in addition to classics like "Elvira". Tom wants to know if the one guy with the big beard is still in the band. Seth confirms that Daddy Clampett is still bringing it. Tom calls Clampett the Bowzer of the Oak Ridge Boys - the lone weirdo amongst a clean-cut crew. Seth doesn't know who that is, so Tom tells him that Bowzer is the guy from Sha Na Na. Seth now remembers him from that old show where the guy would flex his muscles and stuff. Tom also remembers the 1970s show, which followed the antics of a 1950s greaser.
Seth says that his twin brother, Zach, told him that Tom is a writer/producer for the television program Monkey. Tom tells him that it's actually called Monk, and he doesn't talk about it much on the air. Zach thought it would be worthwhile for Seth to pick Tom's brain about how to break into the television industry. Seth is looking for opportunities to do some audio engineering, set design, or catering. Tom says that he's straying a bit from his side of the business. Seth says he's willing to work in any capacity because he's so enthralled by the entertainment industry. He watches Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight, and he gets the urge to be involved in a world where everyone is cool and stuff. Tom know exactly what Seth is talking about.
Seth lives in North Carolina, and he made the trek to New Jersey after he heard about his aunt's intentions to donate her 1989 Ford F-150 truck to a breast cancer society. Seth told her that he'd take it, so he and his wife, Sheila, took their Pontiac Fiero up here to hitch up the truck and take it back to NC. Seth says that his aunt never promised the truck to the charity, so they are not even aware of it. He's pleased that it has an AM/FM radio and a CD player. His aunt assured him that the AC and power windows are functional, and it also has a window in the back and a truck liner. The Fiero broke down twiced during the trip, so Seth's looking forward to a more reliable ride. He admits that it's pretty crazy to hitch a giant truck to a tiny Fiero, but he will do it anyway. Seth told the U-Haul guys about his plan, and they will latch up a suitable hitch tomorrow morning. Tom asks Seth why he doesn't reverse things and hook the Fiero to the truck. Seth says that is not possible because the truck lacks the requisite hitch.
Tom fears that the weight of the truck will put too much strain on the Fiero on the drive home, but Seth says he put some snow tires on the back. He also has some chains. Tom doesn't think those are necessary in April. Seth calls Tom "Johnny" because he apparently thought he was talking to the co-host of the "Johnny & Boogerstache" morning zoo program. Tom corrects him, and Seth says the chains are just part of his preparation for all possible complications. He doesn't think it will be that big of a deal since it's only an 11-hour drive (Highway 95 to 77 and then finish up on 40) to Wilkesboro, NC, which sits in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountain chain. Seth says that NC is definitely a red state, which isn't a problem since he's all for people of different mindsets.
Tom points out that Seth is most known via his brother, a stand-up comedian/actor who has attracted a minor following on the Interline. Seth says he honestly doesn't think anybody really knows about Zach. Since Zach couldn't make it to the studio tonight, he asked Seth to fill in for him. Tom's excited to have Seth on the show since he's seen some of his previous television appearances. Seth did Jimmy Kimmel Live twiced, and The Best Show is now the third-biggest thing he's done. Seth asks Tom if he had a good Easter, but Tom can't really remember how the holiday went down. He's already starting to get ready for Mother's Day. Seth had fun at Easter, and he kept telling the guests that while Jesus had risen, the biscuits had not. Tom laughs at the playful saying, but Seth says it was a completely accurate representation of the relative states of loft of the Lord vs. the biscuits he intended to serve for the meal. Seth tells Tom that Easter is a serious time, but he's willing to let Tom run things because it's his show.
Zach told Seth to visit the Entire State Building while he was in the city, so he was in a cab earlier in the day. His Arabic cab driver was named Foosball or Ping Pong or something like that. Seth asked the driver how to pronounce his name, and he responded with something that sounded like "Foosball". In addition to the interesting name, the driver sported a beard and a fancy hat. Seth attempts to do an impression of the driver saying, "Yeah, I do have an interesting name," but it is performed in a Southern drawl instead of anything close to a Middle-Eastern accent. Seth did not reach the summit of the Entire State Building, but he did have fun at the T.G.I. Friday's on the ground floor. He didn't see any reason to climb to the top to look at the city when Margarita Tuesdays® were right there for the taking. Tom asks Seth if he was curious to try some of the city's cuisine that he couldn't get back in NC. Seth says that Zach asked him the same thing, and he responded by asking if Manhattan had any Bojangles restaurants. Zach wasn't sure, but Foosball told Seth that there was one in was one Dubai, so he knew there would be one in NYC. He was curious to discover the differences between the Bojangles in his hometown and one in NYC. Seth actually met his wife at a Bojangles in Spartanburg, South Carolina, so it has a special meaning to him. He ended up finding a really cool Bojangles that employed an Indian-looking guy wearing a fancy shawl. Seth asked to take the gentleman's picture because he was not the kind of person you'd see at a Bojangles in NC. Seth is used to seeing Ricky, fellow churchgoers, and other people you might want to spend Christmas Eve with. His wife still works at Bojangles, so he knows a lot of staff. Seth refers to the employees at his local Bojangles as "incestuous", and Tom clarifies that it's the kind of place where everybody knows each other. Seth says that's correct, although there are a few cases of something else, too.
Seth's had a nice time in the northeast, but he's ready to jump on Highway 95 tomorrow morning and take the F150 back home. Before taking some calls, Seth mentions an exciting new appetizer he had last night during dinner with Zach. He asks Tom if he's ever heard of calamari. Tom has heard of it. Zach asked him if he liked calamari, but he didn't know what it was. Seth couldn't believe he was eating octopus, but he thought it was good. He was also introduced to yogurt. Tom could sort of see calamari not making the trip down 95, but he thought yogurt had achieved nationwide penetration. Zach ordered yogurt, and Seth thought it was good, too. He thinks it's crazy to be trying different foods and see all kinds of people that don't look like each other. Seth says he can't wait to get back because the tri-state area and Yankees in general have made him a bit sick. He doesn't get it, and he's had enough of it after
36 hours a day and a half.
- Saul Tompkins calls (starts at 1:58) from the "It's A Small World" attraction at Disneyland. He's been listening to the show on his blackberries, and he thinks it's delightful to hear Seth and Tom conversing with each other. Saul is visiting his twin brother in Los Angeles, and he took the opportunity to make his first visit to the Magic Kingdom. He's from Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, so he flew 3,000 miles across the country per the screen on the airplane. His brother is Paul F. Tompkins, who works in the entertainment industry, much like Seth's brother, Zach. Seth recognizes Saul's brother's name from Best Week Ever, the show where they talk about all that stuff that's going on in the entertainment business. Seth tells Saul that his brother is so funny on the show. He also wants to know if there's a Bojangles at that Disneylind. Saul hasn't found one yet, but he's eaten all manner of things throughout today, including a Latin American treat called "cahuro" -- basically just cinnamon dough with some sugar on top. Seth thinks that sounds good. He gets back to Best Week Ever by noting that he likes when they cut into Britney Spears and stuff. He wants to know how they come up with that stuff and who they are talking to when they say it. Saul tells Seth that he'd have to talk to Paul about that. Seth assumes that Saul asks his brother about that stuff because he asked Zach what it was like to work with Jake Gyllenhaal in Corky Ramano.
Saul says that his questioning focuses on trying to determine what makes Paul think he's so funny. He thinks he's much funnier than Paul, and Seth says everyone in the Galifianakis family wonders why he's not a stand-up comedian. They think Seth is sharp-minded and knows what is going on in the world, whereas Zach is just a drunken weirdo. Saul says that just from listening to Seth speak on this radio program, it seems like he has a lot to say and would probably be pretty wry. Tom has also detected a wry quality in Seth. Saul works as a librarian in the library industry, so Seth wants to know if he's familiar with the Dewey Decimal System. He sure is, and he thinks Melvil Dewey created the most efficient decimal system that anyone could ever ask for. Saul says that Dewey is one of his personal heroes, and he doesn't know why we haven't adopted his decimal system across the board. He's been circulating online petitions for years to get a carton of eggs reduced from 12 to 10. Seth doesn't think that's a bad idea. Saul says the reduction would yield a smaller carton to create more room in the refrigerator, and it's also easier to carry home. You'd also know how many eggs you had at all times. Tom thinks it makes sense, and he can see the relation because the egg riff is something that PFT might do. Saul isn't entirely sure where's Tom going, but if he means that he would say something sincere, and then Paul would make fun it, then Tom does indeed have a little window into their sibling rivalry. Saul makes it clear that his quest to reduce the number of eggs in a standard carton is not a flight of fancy at all. He wants to know if Tom thinks there is a downside to having only 10 eggs in a carton. Tom thinks it odds of enacting the change may be insurmountable, but Saul is confident that if he believes it can be done, things will take care of themselves with hard work. He's up to the challenge, and he thinks the rest of the country -- if not the world -- can get behind the important initiative.
Seth wants to know if Paul makes Saul watch all of his material at family reunions. Saul wishes he would wait for those occasions because he sends him everything Fed-Ex in various formats. He's running out of excuses for why he can't watch the appearances live. Paul e-mailed him something called a "podcast", but Saul deleted it because he doesn't own an .mp3 device. PFT constructs quizzes on the material, including trick questions, such as "What did you think of my blue tie?". Saul will tell him that he liked it because it brought out his brown eyes. Paul will then tell him that he was wearing a yellow tie to go with his blue eyes. Saul says this is a lie because Paul wears colored contact lenses. Seth says that Zach will sometimes try to keep on him on the top of his toes. While attending a family reunion in Newark, Zach drove around with Seth and asked random people how many blocks Times Square was. Seth didn't get it. Saul didn't get it, either. Tom didn't get it, either. Seth says that Zach later explained that since Newark and New York sound so much alike, he was trying to f with people. Seth thinks it's unfunny and embarrassing. Saul doesn't understand why showbiz types think it's their duty to make fun of people who aren't in show business, using them as fodder for their routines and skits. Saul will often see that look in Paul eyes when they talk, and he tells him not to put the content in a skit because he's entitled to his dignity.
Seth asks Saul if he likes any of Paul's spoofs. He's enjoyed some send-ups and a few blurbs, but overall he's not a fan of the PFT oeuvre. Saul's comedic up of tea is a good old-fashioned pun. He loves the fact that some words sound like other words and might be mistaken for each other. Saul says he's talking about words that sound exactly alike, not just similar like the subpar union of Newark/New York joke. He likes well-crafted puns because they take you on a joke journey where you end up at a different place than you think you started out at. Saul quickly apologizes for his dangling participle or preposition, but Tom didn't have a problem with it. Seth says he barely noticed it. Saul has made his way over to Mickey's Toontown, so the sound of a train is heard in the background. Saul says that Mickey, Goofy, and Pluto crack him up. Tom is also a fan of the Disney roster of characters. Saul thinks about all the hours of laughter he's had from watching the cartoons, and he's excited to see Mickey and his friends walking around. He's a big fan of Steamboat Willie, which is showing on the big screen at Disneyland, but mainly just loves the scenarios where Mickey triumphs over his frustration as everyone tries to confound him. Saul starts having trouble with his cell phone, and Seth decides to move on by announcing "Next caller!" like he's an old radio hand. Tom tells Saul that's he's welcome to take the Amtrak down from Philadelphia to get a taste of what it's like to be in the studio and provide listeners with some additional insight into the Tompkins clan. Saul thanks Tom for the gracious invitation and leaves to go catch the parade. Seth hopes to meet Saul face-to-face at some point, but for now, he really just wants to move on to the next caller.
Tom thinks that Seth and Saul probably would find a lot of common ground because they both have brothers with a modicum of fame, but they live a normal life. Seth is a high school football coach, and last season his Flaming Arrows finished with a 2-8 record because their quarterback and halfback got into some trouble. He's confident about the prospects for this coming fall season because of an eight-week offseason textile project. His wife works at the Macramé Hut, so Seth has the boys macrameing their uniform numbers onto stool seat covers to boost morale after a losing campaign. He's looking to turn that 2-8 into a 7-3. Seth's hoping that the macramé will lead to some extended pride in the team as they head into summer practices, but he is also concerned that some of the players will get carpal punnel turndrome from the macramé sessions. Tom thinks that the QB should probably go a bit easy on the macramé, and Seth says that he's #4, so he'll only have to complete one digit.
- Erika calls (starts at 2:15) to find out if there was any trauma in the womb that may have caused the divergent personality traits among the twins. Seth says that for the first 12 years, they had identical lives. As is often the case with twins, their mother dressed them the same (Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts tucked into khakis), but she decided to stop when they were five. Seth thought they should continue with matching wardrobe because that was their identity as brothers. Zach was receptive to the idea, and he even suggested wearing crazy "Who Farted?" t-shirts to various local events. However, things changed after Zach saw The Karate Kid. Zach realized that there were other things in life, so he wanted to go out and venture the world. Seth says he was content to just hang out with mama and continue working the square dances. Zach thought he was Ralph Macchio for six years after viewing of the film. This was the turning point, and then Zach purchased Prince's Sign 'O' The Times just when he started college. He became a Prince devotee and started dressing just like him.
Seth was with Zach when he saw The Karate Kid (they had just snuck out of Yentl), and he could tell something was different about him immediately after the screening. Zach would frequently quote dialogue from the film, wear a bandanna around his head, and look for an old, rundown pier to balance on. Seth thought it all seemed fake. He wanted his brother to wake up and realize that it was just a movie. Zach was deeply affected by The Karate Kid, but Seth was ready to continue doing the Seth & Zach show. For example, they used to always groove out to Huey Lewis & The News, but now Zach moved on to heavier stuff like the Spin Doctors. Seth couldn't relate to the hippified mindset of the Spin Doctors, but he was a sports/Sports fanatic. He invited Zach to a Miami Sound Machine concert because he used to love the band, but he said he wasn't interested. He wanted to attend the Morris Day and The Time show that same night. At this moment, Seth knew that Zach was gone. He found a new drug.
Tom wants to hear more about Zach's Prince-influenced clothes. Seth says he wore a lot of long coats, frilly gold lapels, and rings. Zach also befriended two girls who happened to be Wendy and Lisa. Seth tried to convince him that they were just two girls named Wendy and Lisa and not members of The Revoloution, Prince's backing band. Zach told him to back off because it was his life. He walked away and that was it. Seth says it was hard to see him go because they once shared an umbilical cord in the womb for years and years, and now the bond was severed. Tom can see how it would be difficult to see fractures developing in a fraternal relationship. He has a sister and three brothers, although he's not close to any of them. As a result, Seth can't draw a personal example, but Tom assures him that he has empathy for his situation. Seth is pleased to report that they did bond over the calamari last night. The dish helped them realize that despite their differences, they will always be twin brothers. They now know that they both like calamari in addition to a shared love of The Fugees. Tom thinks it's important to hold on to those touchstones. Seth's dream was to go to those twin conventions as a adult with Zach, but that will never happen. He makes up for it by dressing exactly like his wife. They will often wear State Fair t-shirts or a shirt featuring a picture of their Chow named Funyuns to church picnics. Seth feels that his wife has filled the void in his life after Zach left him.
- Josh in Miami calls (starts at 2:24) to get an update on Funyuns. Seth says that he's a little rickety and waggling around, but he's doing good. Seth tells Tom that he named the dog Funyuns because he loves to eat the onion-flavored snack rings. Funyuns eats mostly Funyuns, but on Sundays Sheila will give him some Vienna sausages. Seth tries to keep the flow going by signaling for the next caller because Tom's pace is a bit slow for him. He was expecting something more like a Z-Morning Zoo. Zach told him that Tom used a lot of sound effects.
- Andy, Dave from Knoxville's son, calls (starts at 2:26) to find out if he inherited some of his father's new clout as America's first Supercaller. Tom's answer is simple: no.
UPDATE: "I will try to keep my son off the air out of respect for the entire audience."
- Boner calls (starts at 2:26) to see if Seth remembers him from when they hung out back in December. Boner got Seth a big bag of Skittles for his show. Seth says that he loves Skittles, but he doesn't recall a "Boner". Boner says he got a bit concerned after seeing a Zach show at his university. At one point, Zach told Boner to check out his computer screen. It was displaying an e-mail featuring a very compromising photo of a girl who drove down to see the show. Since Zach has such a rabid, racy fanbase, Boner wonders if Seth attracts a similar demographic at his performances. Seth says he's not quite there yet. People do send stuff to his blog, but the site focuses on football stuff, such as defensive packages for the upcoming season.
Seth says that Zach must have forwarded the e-mail to their Uncle Scootie, who then passed it along to him. Seth asked Scootie if it was a picture of a woman who sent her privates to his brother. Scootie confirmed that it was, and he recommend that Seth check it out because said privates belonged to a good-looking woman. Seth said no thanks. Da-lete. Boner claims that one of Zach's favorite phrases is "You gotta get in on this", and he asks Seth if this is a childhood phrase they shared. Seth prefers to say "Flaming Arrows pride." He's not sure what Boner's talking about. Seth continues to keep the flow moving, and Tom asks him if he's ever considered doing radio work. Seth says he did some radio at the James Front Community College. He finds it powerful to talk to people without knowing where they are listening -- it could be their car or in grandma's basement as they shoot pool. He thinks it's nice to be able to reach out to people, and he's pleased to exclaim that the lines are lighting up.
- Unfortunately, one of them contains Blue Willie (starts at 2:29), who thinks it sounds like Chommy has Gomer Pyle FTD over in Jersey City. He's also interested in the whereabouts of Goober and Aunt Bee. While Blue Willie is loving this "Makravanak" cat, he still wants to know what's going on down there. Tom tells Blue Willie to lose the voice because he's not gonna sink on some kind of Imus ship. Blue Willie refuses and informs Tom that Redrum Richie gave him a chicken.
Seth wants to get Tom's take on the Don Imus controversy. Tom's support for the fired shockmeister has not wavered. He's confident that the strong and vital Imus will bounce back and extend his radio career another 20 years. Seth asks Tom how many times Imus has been on The Best Show, and Tom says none. I can't confirm this, but I'm pretty certain that Imus once called as "Kinky from Wyoming" to chastise Tom for not playing enough Americana and Gang Starr records. Seth thinks Tom should have him in to discuss the thing that happened. Tom would love to have him as a guest, and he asks Seth if there are a lot of Imus lookalikes roaming around in North Carolina: long, stringy hair, cowboy hat, a generally weathered exterior. Seth says he doesn't see a lot of cowboy hats, but he hangs out with guys who tuck their golf shirts into their pleated pants. He thinks the ensemble looks nice, especially when combined with a substantial sunburn. Seth says that Imus's cowboy garb would flag him as a renegade by the community. He believes that Imus's radio antics are in line with this image. Some of the things he's said made Seth say "What?", but he still thinks he's good.
- A caller from Steel City asks (starts at 2:33) Seth to take a wild guess on which Galifianakis brother will be the first to father a child. Seth isn't sure what to say because both he and Zach are very private people, but he is trying to conceive with Sheila. The process has proven difficult because Sheila says that the tarpoons she puts in contains toxins that are prohibiting the impregnation. Tom thinks the caller is a bit out of line for delving into personal business, and he decides to move on to getting a glimpse into a normal day in the life of Seth. Seth points out that things have been a bit different of late because he and Zach have been observing the Greek Orthodox celebration of the 40 days of Jesus rising at the expense of the biscuits.
Seth starts each day by jogging about two miles, immediately followed by his daily car wash. He likes to wash the car before he showers to avoid having to shower again after getting all the dirty suds on him. As part of his football coaching duties, he and Assistant Coach Jim Gross watch game films to scout opponents like North Arrowdale and Watsaga. Seth also works as a Driver's Ed instructor. Since the school year is coming to a close, Seth is already thinking about his plans for the summer. He's getting ready to build go-karts with his nephew so they can enter the Fun Run in Detroit, Michigan. Seth says he watches The View in the mornings even though he doesn't like that large lady. He does enjoy Becky Hasselback's support of the President. Seth says he's the first to admit that things aren't going too well, but he thinks it's time to lay off the guy. He thinks that George Bush seems like a decent man, and he calls Barbara Bush one of the most decent of human beings. Seth's hobbies include working on his blog and rollerblading.
He caps off the day by having dinner with Sheila at a really nice local restaurant called Captain's Table or Hardee's if it's Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, or Sunday. When they pull up to the Hardee's drive-thru, Sheila does a running spoof where she tries to order a breakfast item called the "Monster Biscuit" even though they stopped serving them nine hours ago. Seth believes that she really does want the biscuit, and he suspects they probably have an unused MB somewhere in the back. Tom thinks they could probably call ahead to arrange for them to hold a biscuit under the heat lamps until they arrived. Seth was hoping WFMU was equipped with wireless Internet so he could e-mail that idea to Sheila.
- Bernie steps into (starts at 2:38) the "Seth & Tom Sharping Show" to find out about Seth's favorite entertainment. Seth says that he enjoys The Apprentice and The Bachelorette on television, but he really loved Wild Hogs, starring that fat Scientologist and the colored guy who went crazy. Tom informs Seth that African-American is the preferred nomenclature for Martin Lawrence. Seth highly recommends this classic comedy to Bernie and Tom.
- A caller offers (starts at 2:39) a quick "story" about the Bojangles chain. In a nutshell, he used to pass a Bojangles when he went to visit his grandparents in Bristol, Tennessee. At some point, this Bojangles closed. The End. This non-story reminds Seth of an actual story that took place at Bojangles back in 1989 when he was dating Sheila. She was working as the Assistant Manager when a customer came inside after finding a fingernail in the straw he received at the drive-thru window. He produced the fingernail in question, and it matched Sheila's fingernail. Seth has a theory about what really happened. He suspects the customer spotted Sheila's elaborate fingernails (polka-dotted with zebra stripes, sparkles, and a final coat of blue), painted his own long nail to match, waited for it to dry, clipped it, stuck it through the straw, and then came inside to complete the ruse. Seth believes he does this at various Bojangles locations in attempts to get a free combo meal. Sheila believed him and gave him the desired combo. Seth couldn't believe she bought the The Grifters-inspired hustle.
The caller asks Tom if he plans to unleash the sound effects board to create a Morning Zoo vibe for Seth. Tom says it's upstairs in his locker, and Seth thinks it would have added entertainment value. Tom begins to feel the energy being pulled out of the show.
- Rachel wants to know (starts at 2:43) more about the youth ministry and youth chili cook-offs that Seth discussed in an interview on Zach Galifianakis - Live at the Purple Onion. Seth says it's important to focus on either the youth ministry or the chili cooking because it's difficult to take both of them in at the same time. He also recommends having the kids sit on the floor Indian-style for Bible readings to free their auras to better receive the wonderful messages within the Book. Seth says that you also have to deal with that one Reverend who's always breathing down your neck about taking too many camping trips. The key for Seth is to get to know the kids on their level. He tells Rachel that if she doesn't know about Blink 182 or Fall Out Boy, she needs to get schooled.
- Pat from Wisconsin calls (starts at 2:45) to find out if Seth will be performing in his state anytime soon. He and his wife accidentally went to his brother's show expecting to see Seth. Pat doesn't think Zach is funny, but he's been cracking up at Seth all night long. Seth says he doesn't try to be funny and stuff, and he certainly doesn't think Zach is funny. Seth had some questions for Pat, but Tom already dumped him to try to maintain the rapid pace that Seth had established for the show.
- Owen calls (starts at 2:46) to get a sample of one of pep talks Seth gives to rally the Flaming Arrows. Seth says it varies from game to game, so he asks for a specific score. Owen wants to hear what it would sound like if they were trailing 12-0. Seth obliges:
"Hey boys, take a knee. It's 12-0 out there. Whadda you think brought me to success? [insert smart-aleck remark from player(s)] Determination. Whadda you want outta laff? You wanna sit around and be nothin', or do you wanna beat East Wilkes High School? You want the girl in laff? Do you wanna a nice care in laff? Do you wanna be somethin' in laff? Anything in laff?"
Tom ruins Seth's rhythms and disturbs a dramatic pause to clarify that Seth is saying the word "life". Tom thought he was done with the talk, but Seth was just locking eyes with the boys. As he delivers the words, Seth says he will place one foot on the ridge of the chalkboard as he scrawls some Xs and Os to help them block their opponent's "flankback", which is a term Seth coined. He is the only high school football coach in Northwest North Carolina who talks about a flankback. Everyone else calls it a quarterback. The moment is lost, so Seth is unable to continue. Tom wants to know if Seth has a secret goal or desire outside of football, family, and showbiz. Seth reveals five wishes:
1. To own a pair of Puma cleats from every year of production.
2. To become a beekeeper.
3. To continue pursuing aero-engeneeric projects like competitive kite-flying.
Seth's dream is to get his kite high enough to tickle the engine of an American Airlines flight at its cruising altitude of 33,000 feet. He wants the passenger in seat 23B to look out the window and marvel at a kite still attached to its string that high up. Seth points out that it's important for 23B to be behind the wing so the passenger has more time to enjoy the kite and to avoid any kite tangling. He admits that it will take a lot of work to make this wish come true.
4. To stealthily learn Spanish so he can find out if all these Spanish people are talking about him at Hardee's.
Seth's favorite Spanish word is "aspiradora" (vacuum). If he's able to learn more words and discovers that Spanish people are calling him a fat jerk, he will respond by saying, "Large fries, Diet Dr. Pepper, and stop running your mouth like that. I'm an American. Go back to Portugal."
5. To win the state championship and make the move up to the punting coach at East Carolina State.
- A caller reminisces (starts at 2:54) about his days going over to Seth's Wilkes County to get beer because Yadkinville was dry. The caller's grandfather was a bootlegger, and he'd haul the juice over from Wilkes and sell it in Yadkin. He's related to the Forrester family who live up 18 North in Wilkesboro. Seth knows them -- his dad used to work for Jimmy and James Forrester up on 18 right near Sparta. The caller remembers Wilkes County being a scary and fun place when he was a kid. Seth says that's to be expected since it was the land of moonshine and the birthplace of NASCAR. He tells the caller that Junior Johnson has a mansion right off 421. Tom is not familiar with Johnson aka The Last American Hero. Seth says that Tom doesn't understand this stuff because he's from up near the Holland Tunnel.
- Charles, a newspaper man from North Wilkesboro, calls (starts at 2:58) to say he remembers when Zach delivered The Journal-Patriot. He says Zach was a good, funny boy. Seth wants to know if Charles still has that satellite dish in his front yard. Charles does not confirm or deny it.
Seth is really starting to loosen up, but the show is over.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: BLUE IS COMING!