Recidivism.

A little too long and not quite as funny.

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Clark and Michael

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"Ew, boy. I am looking forward to getting over to the Iron Monkey in two and a half hours." -- Tom, having second thoughts after a caller is already sloshed

"Look son, this is the Big Leagues. You're barely Tee-Ball level." -- Tom, optioning Hesh for reassignment to the minors

"******* **** and * ******* *******." -- Excerpts of two unaired responses from author Ken Rogers

"He'll film Barbarella in an elevator in Austin. It will cost $4,800. And it will star Rose McGowan." -- Tom, adding some details to the announcement of Robert Rodriguez's next project

"Please, put more caveman makeup on me. I don't want anyone recognizing me. Can you actually make it look like I'm actually someone else under this makeup." -- Tom, going undercover on Cavemen

"You can strive for Cha-Ka territory. Please let me have the career of Cha-Ka." -- Tom on the GEICO cavemen entering the land of the lost

"You know the exciting thing, though, you could've joined The Flaming Lips if you would've maintained that kind of costumery." -- Tom, informing Ted Leo about a missed opportunity

"Way to violate international law, crimestick. Now go eat a carpaccio, ya fuckin' Swede." -- Patton Oswalt, commenting on Crimestick's crime on AST*

"What's that, cookie? Go in the office and strangle my boss? Yes, cookie." -- Susie in Manhattan, taking orders from her best friend

"I'll tell ya right now -- it's gonna be bigger than the Paisley Pop Pop-A-Thon last year in Des Moines. And it's definitely gonna make January's Popadelphia Pop Nation fest look like Poptopia 2002. What a disaster that was, huh?" -- A caller, promoting Poptastrophe 2007

"His whole life is basically built around going downhill." -- A caller on Power Pop Pop-Pop's sidecar-based lifestyle

"I gotta say, I think I die a little bit whenever I say 'Power Pop Pop-Pop'." -- Tom on the nickname of Newbridge's PP President

"You know, come to think of it, I've never seen him laugh or smile." -- A caller on PPPP's very serious approach to the fun-loving music

"He also has a Popper for women that's just plain awful." -- A caller on Quad-P's gender-specific weapon

"Bit of a dungeon vibe. It's not good." -- A caller on the creepy lair in PPPP's PP Palace

"It's like if Goebbels wrote lyrics for The Rubinoos." -- A caller, describing The Resistance's White Power Pop

"I think they really think Power Pop Pop-Pop is really creepy." -- A caller explaining why the likes of Tommy Keene and Ken Stringfellow reject PPPP's PP scene

"Where are the Colonial people? There's only some weird guy in a Ratt t-shirt with a $200 price tag hanging off of it." -- Tom on a family discovering they were in the wrong Williamsburg

"Hey, garbanzo bean prices are going like bonkers, if you know what I mean." -- Captain Jack, providing a commodities update

"The world needs more Panera Breads. There aren't enough buildings in New Jersey." -- Tom, praising the construction efforts of Don in Belleville

"Who wouldn't want to have a little pan pizza made by Hilly Kristal?" -- Tom on the "food" at CBGB's

[TBSOWFMU - 5/22/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Jay Reatard - "All Over Again"

( Click here to buy the Night of Broken Glass EP)

Velvet Crush - "Drive Me Down"

( Click here to buy In The Presence of Greatness)

The Michael Guthrie Band - "Payola" (from 1982's Banned in America EP)

( Click here to visit MGB on Myspace)

The Posies - "Solar Sister"

( Click here to buy Frosting on the Beater)

Tommy Keene - "Nothing Can Change You"

( Click here to buy Based on Happy Times for $62.50!)

Any Trouble - "Romance"

( Click here to buy Where Are All The Nice Girls?)

Bram Tchaikovsky - "Girl Of My Dreams"

( Click here to buy Poptopia!: Power Pop Classics of the '70s)

The Highback Chairs - "Afterlife"

( Click here to buy Of Two Minds)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

After dropping a neutron bomb, Tom tells himself that he's gotta bring it for tonight's episode, which is titled "Eeny Meeny Miney Murder." He starts by bringing it to Mike the Associate Producer after catching him using the exclusive Best Show phone line to dial up a Knock-Knock Joke of the Day service. Tom asks him why he's such a knock-knock enthusiast, and Mike says they make him laugh. I also know that he enjoys dirtier fare, which explains his recent purchase of a joke device.

Tom heard word of a Best Show listening party going down at the The Iron Monkey speakeasy in exciting Jersey City. The official FOT event was organized by a British man named Jason. Tom plans to make a 90-second swing through after the show, shaking every damn hand of every damn fan before ducking out an exit. He doesn't have a stop watch, but he'll know when the time is up. Tom invites listeners to join the gang as they drink Coffee Coolattas® and eat vegetable paninis Ira Glass-style.

- Johnny dares to call (starts at 26:37) the hottline pre-topic after hearing Tom give props out to his boys at The Iron Monkey. He got off work a couple of hours ago and headed out for a "couple" of drinks. He's a little sad to hear that Tom discontinued "Open Mic Tuesdays", and Tom tells him that it's just another disappointment in a sad world. Johnny slurs something about an "extermination", and Tom becomes a bit less enthusiastic about getting over to the Iron Monkey in 2.5 hours. Tom recommends that Johnny start pacing himself, which prompts him to admit what we already knew: he's sloshed, man. Tom pretends to be surprised to hear about Johnny's intoxication before ordering him to lay down in a back room and switch to water. Tom later said he admired Johnny's speed drinking, but tonight is all about endurance.

- Hesh calls (starts at 27:59) with confidence that Tom might remember him from when he called earlier yesterday to talk about Spider-Man 2. Tom points out that Hesh is a barrel (or maybe a Charles Chips can?) full of mistakes. He tells the new Best Show agitator that he actually called the show last week to talk about Spider-Man 3, a topic Tom swiftly poo-pooed. (At least Hesh was right about that.) Hesh blames his 0-for-2 performance on nerves. Tom's glad to see Hesh's idea of quality radio -- breathily bumbling his way through an error-laden introduction -- compared to the Ls he's been pinning on The Best Show in 2007. Hesh thinks the discord is a result of getting off on the wrong foot during his first call, but Tom tells him that he's just in way over his head. Hesh entered the Big Leagues even though his skills were barely passable in Tee-Ball. Tom imagines that Hesh is consistently hitting himself in the head with the bat after whiffing at his stationary target. The attack leaves Hesh speechless, and Tom GOMPs the little troll. Will Hesh learn his lesson like the Goshen kids? If you throw stones at the throne, you best not miss, son.

- Author Ken Rogers calls (starts at 30:16) to discuss his recent book, Five Steps to Happiness: Incorporating Values Into The Workplace. Tom says it's a great honor to have Rogers on the show because his book had a great impact on him and many of his Consolidated Cardboard co-workers. He was first exposed to the work of Mr. Rogers by a guy in the CC personnel department. He was really into the book and left it in the office in the hopes of other people picking it up. Tom was initially skeptical about the value of the book, and he avoided it for a few weeks. However, he became increasingly curious, so he dove in and responded to the book's central concept of better integrating one's life and work. Tom summarizes Rogers's belief that the life you've established outside of the office shouldn't necessarily be separate from your role in the workplace. He finds this merge particularly important when it comes to decision-making and interpersonal dynamics.

Tom opens the interview by asking Rogers about how your standing in the office hierarchy reflects on your status outside of work. He wonders if the two roles have to remain mutually exclusive. Rogers starts by thanking Tom for his kind words and then says one of the most filthy things Tom's ever heard in his life. He is actually taken aback by the gross riff, which luckily didn't get on the air. Tom says that he can't imagine who would think the expressed thought -- let alone put it into words and then recite them on live radio. While Tom is obviously unable to repeat the offending remarks, it is clear that they had nothing to do with his workplace tome. Tom is shocked that a pretty mainstream author would unleash an impromptu torrent of disgusting stuff. He was expecting a nice chat about office happiness, but he didn't get it.

Rogers calls back to apologize for his outburst. He says that he doesn't know what happened, and he wants to just start the interview over with Tom re-asking his opening question. He also doesn't recall Tom's story about how found out about the book, so Tom repeats that as well. Ken says that Tom's question is funny because his little slip-up reminds him of a related story. He does it again. Tom says that it was more filthy that the first go-round and thanks God for preventing its broadcast once again. At this point, Tom is so horrified that he no longer wants him to call back. He is unable to even infer what Rogers said. Tom says it sounded like a calculated effort, and he suspects that Rogers is diseased. Tom enjoyed the book, but now he's questioning its worth considering the behavior of its sick scribe. Tom was hoping for an informative, helpful interview, but he can't let that toilet mouth on the air. Tom points out that the Rogers debacle has thrown off the pacing for the entire show. He intended to talk to him until 9:10 p.m. A few days ago, an unedited version of this call surfaced on the Internet, but I could only make out a few words of Ken's banned speech: "giraffe", "upside-down", and "Sheila Larson".

- Tom tries to fill (starts at 41:46) the self-help void by discussing Robert Rodriguez's announcement that he will helm the remake of Barbarella. Tom is excited to see how RR can manage to film an erotic science-fiction picture on a self-imposed $4,800 budget. He predicts that it will film inside an Austin elevator and guarantees that Rose McGowan will replace Jane Fonda as the most beautiful creature of the future. Tom also can't wait to see Quentin Tarantino assume Milo O'Shea's role as the evil young scientist Durand Durand. RR regular Danny Trejo will also appear. Tom digs Trejo, but he thinks the ubiquitous genre thesp needs to occasionally sit one out. While RR will drastically cut production costs by shooting the film with his camera phone, he will still charge Tom $11 to see it in a theater.

- Tom unveils (starts at 44:01) the first topic of the evening: Oh God, What Have I Done?. Tom wants to hear about those moments where you should have said "no" to something, but you said "yes" instead. At some point in the future, you realize that you made a huge mistake. You discover that you're trapped in the middle of stuff that you don't want to be in the middle of. Tom is sure that the cast of the GEICO Cavemen movie (yikes) television series is headed for this fate. Tom imagines one of their agents calling them about an audition for a role as one of the mongoloid marketers everyone was sick of the second time they saw the original commercial. Tom wonders if the cavemen will directly address the audience with a full-on GEICO commercial at the conclusion of their weekly hijinks, such as a trip to the water park to ride the log flumes. He proposes some dialogue where a caveman ("Billy") says that even he knows that quality insurance is a benchmark of everyone's life. Tom hopes they fill the last five minutes of the show with this content.

In Tom's scenario, the agent tells his client that they loved his reading and want him to come back for some chemistry tests with the other cavemen. Tom ponders whether it's a good thing to be told that you were great as a GEICO caveman. He's not one to judge, but he thinks the actors may want to enjoy the Kraft Services while they still have the access. When Cavemen inevitably crashes and burns, they will soon find themselves on the other side of the table making veggie breakfast wraps for the crew of another project. Tom says that if he was cast as a GEICO caveman, he would request a second layer of makeup to ensure that nobody could possibly recognize him. He would ask the makeup artist to disguise him before applying any of the caveman effects. Tom says it must be quite a privilege to show up at 4 a.m. to have caveman goo slathered on your face so you can act in the GEICO laffer. He doesn't think this would be particularly soul-draining.

Tom expects a long, diverse career for everyone on the show, mapping out the same path as performers like Butch Patrick (Edward Munster) and Ken Weatherwax (Pugsley Adams). He points out that once you get one these kinds of shows, it's all ova. The bell rings, and you are kicked through the door of time. Tom forgets to mention the perk of eventual invitations to be panel guest at weird horror/sci-fi/fontasy conventions. Come see Kane Hodder! One night only: Tuesday Knight! The GEICO Cavemen dudes! Only East Coast appearance this year! Tom notes the extreme difficulty of emerging from a cartoon makeup show with their dignity intact. He has trouble naming one actor who really pulled it off before establishing "Grandpa" Al Lewis as the gold standard of respectability. Tom says the GEICO cavemen can only hope to strive for that dubious level of respect. They are also at a disadvantage because Lewis acted for 90 years before his stint on The Munsters. He got his showbiz licks in before donning the cape and whiteface.

Tom suggests that the GEICO players consult Cha-Ka, the chimpanzee-like humanoid from Land of the Lost, to find out how his career turned out. While striving for Cha-Ka territory is a likely acting dead-end, the creature genre can also be a dangerous gateway to more serious problems. Tom points out that Max Wright, who played the dad on A.L.F., ended up smoking crack cocaine just because he acted next to an alien puppet. He couldn't take it. Tom says he would commit suicide if he was on the GEICO Cavemen show. Then again, he might stick around to see if he could land a part in The Olive Garden's series based on the commercial where the mother searches for her "handsome date"/son. While that spot is definitely ripe for an adaptation, I think it might work better as a miniseries. Tagline: The Thorn Birds with baked ziti and brown lettuce! I think Andy Milonakis would be perfect for the kid.

The Oh God, What Have I Done? topic is all about this kind of stuff. The equivalent of the GEICO cavemen lying awake at night when they may say to themselves, "My God, what have I done?!"

- Hardcore Pat calls (starts at 51:39) from D.C., so Tom reasonably assumes that he's been listening to some Embrace or The High Back Chairs. Not so much. Since Pat just moved to the area from Buffalo, he's more into hometown bands like the Goo Goo Dolls and Green Jellÿ. Tom thinks a lot of good music is coming out of Buffalo, New York.

Pat says his OGWHID? isn't as dramatic as the GEICO cavemen's descent into the acting abyss, but it does involve another supposed entertainment. He mentions that he would watch Cavemen if they were simply acting out old I Love Lucy scripts. Tom is waiting for the episode where two of the cavemen have a falling out and put tape across the middle of their shared room. Dramedy would ensue because one half contained the telephone, while the other half boasted the bathroom. Pat says that a few years ago he spent a summer babysitting some 10-year-old ADHD rich kids. Their lawyer parents left him some money one day, so he thought it would be fun to check out Ang Lee's Hulk moviefilm. Bad idea. Pat secured some snacks and strapped the little firecrackers into their seats, but then he couldn't even figure it out. The kids asked him what was going on, and he didn't have an answer. The bottom line is that a weird, monster-morphing Nick Nolte does not equal summertime kiddie fun. Tom questions the decision to have a guy who hates comic books direct a comic book movie. He would love to see Ang Lee guest direct an episode of GEICO Cavemen. Pat says he would pay to see that. Tom considers organizing full-on GEICO Cavemen "Laugh At This" parties for to fill the Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip void. Pat laughs at that. D.C. Pride!

- Ted Leo, a pro rock star, calls (starts at 56:10) to say he's working on a sitcom based on his new Touch & Go record Living with the Living, which is available in stores right now. Tom thinks it would have been great if Ted was of an earlier generation so he could be a guest on "Rockline". Ted says he was more of a fan of the delightful idiot Vin Scelsa. Tom would fight the 60-year-old Scelsa and defeat him by pulling that stupid beret over his eyes. Tom would defend himself against anyone from a child to a 100-year-old if they stepped to him. Not women, though. Tom was listening to the Ghostface Killah's "Back Like That" where he says that he's too much of a man to put a mark on a lady. Tom admires the policy, but he thinks it's just a result of being a regular man and not an animal. The lady in question was fooling around with some other dude. Ghostface has no qualms about whipping him with a strap like a Nobridge belt-whipper.

Before getting to the topic, Ted reads half a sentence from a review of the extended cut of Death Proof that was shown in Cannes. Tom cracks himself up by saying that the film is more suitable for the Can't Film Festival. The critic says (warns?) that the longer version of the film features a "much slower build." Tom is pleased that QT decided to take the 55 minutes of four boring snoozes talking about boring stuff and let it breathe a bit more. Ted hasn't seen the film, so he's happy that he can't contribute to the discussion. Despite his constant assault on the film, Tom can't wait to see the full version. He disturbs himself by announcing that he will see it on opening day. Tom pictures himself going to the theater solo, uttering the "1 for Death Proof" ticket request, sitting down, and emerging two hours later, wondering why he did it. Ted's theory is that Tom has to stoke the fires every week and, in the spirit of General George S. Patton, study the playbooks of his enemies. This strategy explains Tom's continued consumption of Kevin Smith product.

He heads over to Silent Bob Speaks to let Ted know about an upcoming View Askew birthday meet-up at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank. The flier for the event suggests an endurance test that far exceeds two hours of Death Proof: "The last Q&A I did at the Basie was the longest I've ever done: eight hours. If you're an east coaster, and remotely interested in my b s hit, you've gotta be there. If you're not an east coaster, I'll make it worth the trip." Tom can't imagine strapping himself in for a marathon session filled by the unrepentant toilet mouth telling seven stories about Linda Fiorentino on the set of Dogma. He suspects there will be a lot of "A" in the Q&A session. The sick thing is that Tom is considering going, but he has to draw the line to retain some dignity. Tom can understand the $25-$75 ticket prices because it's expensive to put on a Martin Brodeur jersey, baggy shorts, and Chuck Taylors. Ted mentions the additional cost of Thayers® Slippery Elm lozenges to keep the voice in shape. Tom compares Kevin's big-time production values to Andrew Lloyd Weber's rollerskating rock musical "Starlight Express".

Getting back to his OGWHID?, Ted says he once took a brief summer job working a corporate family picnic at a camp in West Jersey. He and both of his younger brothers accepted a gig playing cereal box characters to entertain the kids for the day. Ted immediately called Sugar Bear, the anthropomorphic cartoon mascot for Sugar Crisp cereal, while his brothers settled for Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. The picnic took place on July 30th, so it was it was a scorcher. Ted pulled the costume out of the box and saw a form-fitting, life-sized, velour bear suit, complete with a giant head. The mouth was the eyehole. The Fred and Barney gear was inflated with a fan, so his brothers could bounce around the picnic amidst circulated air. Ted says he was sweating bullets throughout his 10 a.m. - 7 p.m. shift. He was also blinded by the sliding head piece, so he had to bite down on the back of the Nerf® tongue to keep it upright. All of the kids peered into the mouth and called him out for being a person in disguise. By 10:30 a.m, Ted was wondering how he managed to get inside a velour bear suit on a hot summer day. Tom points out that Ted was not the first person to bite down on that tongue. Some guy did it on the 29th. After all these years, Ted had never considered that unpleasantness. Tom says that Ted could have parlayed this gig into a spot in The Flaming Lips if he maintained that kind of costumery. Tom says that nobody is better than Ted Leo.

- Susannah calls (starts at 1:08) to tell everyone that the FOTs have ascended to the roof of The Iron Monkey. She reports that there are 15-20 people listening to the show, not just a bunch of general principle alcoholics floating around. Susannah says she hopes it's acceptable that she brought Tom some Tastykakes and Peanut Chews from Philadelphia. Tom approves of the snacks and promises to sample some Butterscotch Krimpets during his brief tour. He wonders if Susannah knows what he looks like because he may send Mike up in his place. Tom later admits that he fears that Johnny may push him off the roof in a drunken stupor, causing him to fall to his death a la Martin Sheen in The Departed. Yes, Tom saw the film, and he kinda liked it due to having low expectations.

Susannah also has an OGWHID? entry, and Tom thinks it might be showing up at The Iron Monkey. Susannah says she's glad she came and plans to jump on the Double Deuce to visit her parents in Scotch Plains after the event. Her hometown will be hosting the next FOT gathering, which will take place on the bumper cars at the Bowcraft Amusement Park. She mentions that the bumper cars appeared in the movie North, featuring a young Elijah Wood, John Ritter, and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. Tom says this is one of his favorite movies of all-time. He has an autographed poster of the entire cast. Susannah wonders if Wood's appearance in The Lord of the Rings series cancels out Tom's fandom of him. Tom says he didn't sign the poster. He actually only had the crew sign it.

In her freshmen year of college, Susannah got asked out by a guy who she was warned against because he had a drug problem. Since she considered herself to be a goody-goody, it seemed like a rebellious and exciting opportunity. She accepted his offer. He kept blinking and twitching throughout the awkward date, and Susannah attributed his sudden movements to the after-effects of his rampant and well-documented drug use. She later discovered that he was afflicted with Tourette's syndrome. Susannah says she felt terribly alone for making fun of him. Tom feels that she has sufficiently repented and gives her permission to move on with her moral compass intact. Susannah promises that she won't do it again. I would recommend one final penance: air drum those memories into oblivion!

- Crimestick in Sweden calls (starts at 1:12) at 3:12 a.m. his time on a regular phone, not a crazy computer phone. He's a legit citizen of the country unlike the caller last week, and Tom gets him to admit that the Alabama interloper got him a little mad. Tom thinks the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords is from Sweden, but Crimestick informs him that they hail from New Zealand, which isn't really close to Sweden. Tom wishes that he could afford one of these maps he's heard so much about.

Crimestick's OGWHID? involves his helping his friend move from the city of Copenhagen to the city of Stockholm. They packed a van full of stuff, and his friend tricked him into coming along for the 100-mile jaunt. (Crimestick issued a post-show correction: it was actually 600 miles!) He rented the van in Copenhagen, and he needed someone to drive it back. Crimestick started the return trip and got hit by the worst storm of the century in Sweden. Ice and snow. Trees falling in front of the van. His knuckles turning white as he grasped the steering wheel. At this moment, he wondered what he had gotten himself into. However, Crimestick says he got through the ordeal thanks to his .mp3 player, which was filled with calming Best Show archives. Tom is very heartened to hear this, but, unfortunately, he will have sue Crimestick for violating international law by possessing unlicensed .mp3s.

Tom asks Crimestick to name the best thing about Sweden, and he says right now it's the weather and food. He's particularly fond of carpaccio, aka rolled thinly-sliced raw beef. I've since discovered that this is the national dish of Sweden. Crimestick says the worst thing about Sweden is the guy who called last week, i.e., sleazy Americans who misrepresent his homeland. Tom mentions that the guy last week was touting Sweden's famous ladies, and Mike passes him a note. He wants to know if Crimestick has any 8mm stag films he can send him. Crimestick wants Tom to pass along Mike's address, but Tom doesn't want to encourage this international prevert transaction.

- Tom says (starts at 1:20) that while watching Sunday night's episode of The Sopranos, he realized that he relates to Tony's struggles -- a guy from Jersey just trying to keep things moving along. The bane of his existence? These jerks in New York who think the world revolves around them. Tom tells them that they are not the kings of the mountain. Tom thinks the OGWHID? topic is a dud. Another Hesh's Delight. The ultimate hater loves it when things turf out, so he's probably doing a little weird Hesh dance right now.

- Evan in Providence calls (starts at 1:23) as he's recovering from a weird flash-flu he came down with last night. He tries to revive the topic and put an end to Hesh's gyrations. Evan's OGWIHD? relates to his time teaching cartooning to teenagers about a year ago. The classes went really well, so his bosses asked him to pick up an additional class for 8- to 11-year-olds. The money was good, and it seemed like fun. It wasn't. He showed up on a Saturday for his first three-hour session and despite not being a certified medical doctor, he quickly diagnosed some of the kids as having major mental problems. The more stable kids were dropped off by their parents armed with two Cokes, some candy, and funnel cakes. Evan says it was complete anarchy after 30 minutes. Tom thinks it was a good idea to get the kids' hands all shaky from caffeine before doing some drawing. The first class was rocky, and it got a bit rockier from there after the TA stopped showing up. Evan realized that the kids preferred playing bumper cars with their rolly chairs. It was an eight-week course. Evan signed a contract, so he couldn't back out. He adopted a new strategy of coming up with ways to allow them to safely run around and get tired out. Evan says that one kid told him that he hated drawing, and his parents forced him to attend the classes. Evan got through it, finding some mirth within all the mayhem. He didn't run away like a coward and hide from the world.

- Erika from Baltimore calls (starts at 1:26) to lament the poor play of The Orioles since the mid-1990s. Mr. Cal Ripken is long gone. As is Gus Triandos. She attended an arts school in Pittsburgh, and she made an OGWHID?-y decision to move into an apartment with people she barely knew after the first quarter. Her future roommates were going to drop out of school, but they promised Erika that they were going to get jobs within a month. Erika went back to Bawlmer to get her stuff, and when she returned to school they had no jobs. This was the beginning of a horrific 10-month odyssey in a sparsely furnished apartment with 10 different people sleeping in her living room. Erika was in her hippie phase, so she established a communal fund to feed everyone. She says the animals she lived with sustained themselves with pre-packaged cheese slices.

Suffer the Little Children: Cy Tolliver prepares to battle the CBS kid invasion

- Maggie calls (starts at 1:29) from Chicago, the land of hot dogs, pizza, and wind. A friend told her about the Tiffany Network's new reality show called Kid Nation. She thinks it could rival Cavemen in its ability to elicit cries of OGWHID? from its cast. The show will place 40 kids (age 8-15) in a ghost town to see if they can create a functioning society. The kids will have to grow their own plants and will get rewarded with gold coins that they can exchange for shots root beer shots at a local saloon. Each week, one kid will have to beg to go home because he's having such a horrible time. The eventual winner gets a whorehouse, a case of whiskey, and some canned peaches. Tom doesn't care about seeing kids interact, but he will probably watch the first episode nine times. He thinks he has a genetic defect that draws him to bad television.

- Susie in Manhattan calls (starts at 1:31) to continue the female flurry. Three in a row! A rare Best Show hat trick. Tom points out that while the ladies are out in full force tonight, it's usually just one lone call at 10:58 followed by a week of Spike, Petey, and Captain Jack voice-offs. Susie had a cozy job working on a campaign, and it was so stressful that she completely lost her appetite. She started smoking again and eventually treated herself to cookies so she wouldn't be so dizzy from hunger. The cookies were not that appealing either, but she got used to it. Susie says that now she's not as stressed, but she craves cookies. She got hooked. Her favorite cookies are the regular Pepperidge Farm Milanos (more subtle than the double chocolate) and childhood classics like Oreos and Chips-Ahoy. Susie knows that she should probably buy freshly-made cookies from a bakery, but she responds to the store-bought junk of her youth. She will sometimes store a big Black & White cookie in her drawer so on a really stressful day at work, she can either cry or scarf it down.

Tom starts to get a bit concerned that Susie is stuck in a downward cookie spiral. She assures him that she's never spoken to a cookie. A cookie has never instructed her to strangle her boss. Tom tells Susie to go cold turkey and throw all of her cookies out the window. Tom thinks she should replace them with something healthy like juice. Susie is resistant to make the switch because of the high sugar content in juice, but Tom was talking about good juice -- actual liquefied fruit, not HI-C. Tom points out that a mound of Oreos also contains a fair amount of sugar. Tom GOMPs her to fulfill his one GOMP/hour quota. He thought Susie was nice, but he had to get rid of her. I think Susie might meet Tom halfway and head over to Newbridge Commons for some fudge fruit!

- A caller requests (starts at 1:49) something from the new Lovely Boys CD. Tom doesn't think he has that record in the library, so the caller asks for something by The Craigs, Ted Jacobs and The Now, Sherbert Falls, The Album, The Sleestaks, Denny Leonard and the Lemmons, September Gurgles, The Zoom, Darren Robbins and the Rockstars, Sugar Pie Four, The Bingles, Failure Time, or Witchypoo. Tom doesn't have those either. The caller asks him to cue up something from ! I Love You The Ghost Of Ann B. Davis. No luck. The caller also strikes out with The Menthols, Larry Neville and The Fun, Bam Bam, Candy-Coated Sugar Smacks, and Rick and The Backers. The caller gives up and tells Tom to just play anything by any of the bands on the bill for the festival this coming weekend. Tom says he wasn't aware of any festival, and the caller thinks he must be kidding. He was referring to Poptastrophe 2007, a huge Power Pop festival set to take place down near the Newbridge dock. Tom thinks he may have seen a flier for the event, and the caller is sure that he's seen a lot of fliers.

Tom has never attended a big pop festival, and the caller predicts that Poptastrophe 2007 will be bigger than the Paisely Pop-A-Thon held in Des Moines last year. He's certain that it will make January's Popadelphia Pop Nation look like Poptopia 2002. The later fest was a disaster because Mick Rain, the drummer for Pezband, missed his flight and didn't arrive until The Bill Bixbies were finishing their set. The caller says that Poptastrophe 2007 starts Friday morning with a kickoff breakfast buffet at Captain's Donuts, which will also host the post-show buffet on Sunday night. The caller thinks Tom should attend the festival, but Tom's not sure if he could endure an entire festival devoted to Power Pop. He likes the genre, but he feels the music can get very samey-sounding when it's being shoveled at you in large, repeated doses. The caller doesn't think Tom should say that stuff like that, and he wonders what would happen if Quad-P heard these opinions. Quad-P is Power Pop Pop-Pop, the self-proclaimed "President of Power Pop" who is organizing Poptasrophe 2007.

The caller thinks Tom has probably seen the older Newbridge resident around town with his super-dyed black Beatles haircut, tight pants, and vintage The Knack t-shirt. Power Pop Pop-Pop rides around town in a soapbox derby sidecar so his whole life is built around going downhill. Tom thinks he saw him yelling at someone at the CD Submarine. The caller confirms that he was in fact yelling at someone in the shop. Power Pop Pop-Pop told the caller the tale of his trip to CD Submarine to pick up some remastered Greg Kihn discs containing his pre-Jeopardy" material when he was doing the double-P with the Teardrop Guitar. The clerk was supposed to hold him one for, but he forgot. Power Pop Pop-Pop tried to throw him through the store's porthole.

The caller says that Power Pop Pop-Pop's life was completely changed after seeing The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show when he was 14. PPPP was on track to become an engineer, but that was all over once he became addicted to Beatlesesque rock and pop. He was consumed by the music and began publishing a fanzine called Keep The Beat. The caller says that PPPP claims to be the only person to ever publish a career-spanning retrospective on Dave Smalley. Tom knows the name, and the caller thinks he should because he has a radio show. Tom was unaware that he was required to be a Power Pop encyclopedia, and the caller reveals Smalley as the bassist from The Raspberries. He calls Tom a dummy under his breath, and Tom apologizes for his failure to immediately link Smalley to the band.

PPPP also played in various Quint Cities bands from the 1960s up through the 1990s, such as The Need, The Hurt, The Yes, The No, and The Maybe. The caller says none of them really took off. At this point, Tom is compelled to say that he thinks he dies a little bit every time he utters the name "Power Pop Pop-Pop." The caller doesn't understand why, and he says the "Pop-Pop" is simply a common nickname for one's grandfather. Tom thinks that makes it worse, and he wonders if PPPP is an actual grandfather. The caller says that he's single and set for life. His dad is Reginald Fleer, the super-rich detective who became famous for consulting on mob cases in the 1980s. Fleer worked on the case involving Carmine Robatello's attempted takedown of Freddy "The Hotdog Machine" Kleinfarber at The Ice Hole, an Italian ice stand on Pancake Avenue. After a big shootout, Officer Harrups's father, who was the Mayor of Newbridge at the time, gave the go-ahead to drop a crate of old grenades on everyone. The Neubridge bomb left a big crater. Tom mentions that this incident is one of the only things Newbridge is known for outside of the area. The caller is glad they filled up the hole with colored marbles and paved it over to erase all of the bad memories and help people move on. The caller is pretty sure that Fleer consulted on the first few seasons of Columbo before he made a name for himself in the organized crime world. More recently, he's been frequently referenced on The Shout! Network series The Goombahs.

Tom says he will try to check out the show, and the caller wants him to also check out PPPP's mansion on Newbridge Mews. The caller pronounces it "Mo-us" instead of "Muse". He appears to be a bit embarrassed that he's said it incorrectly for his entire life. Power Pop Pop-Pop calls his huge estate the Power Pop Palace. As is the wont of some people, PPPP requires you to take your shoes off before entering the residence, but then he makes you put on a pair of Beatle BootsBeatle boots. He has them in every size imaginable, including one pair of 14.5s just in case any pro basketball players stop by the PP Palace. Tom says that PPPP is nothing if not well prepared. I did some research and discovered that the following current NBA players are on record as PP fans: Marcus Williams (he drummed for The Candy Cane Parade during his freshmen year at UCONN), Scot Pollard (recently sold a rare Blue Ash 7" for $425 on eBay), and J.J. Reddick (he once played a Spinning Jennies track on WXDU.)

The caller says that PPPP may be prepared for any guest, but he's also really tough to be around. Tom wants to hear more details, and he's in luck because the caller is loose-lipped after having a couple of glasses of wine. He says that PPPP is more like a Power Pop dictator than a lovable grandfather. Many in the PP community call him as "Pol Pop" behind his back, a reference to Pol Pot, the unlovable Cambodian dictator. Tom wonders how someone rises to power as a Power Pop dictator. The caller says that he earned the title by living Power Pop for his entire life. If PPPP hears about an ultra-rare Bram Tchaikovsky 7" in Japan, he will buy a ticket that day to go get it. The caller says people respect a man who will travel to the other side of the world to acquire a piece of PP history. However, he laments that PPPP is so by-the-book when it comes to PP music. For example, Big Star is a little too out there for him. The caller says he can handle "In the Street", "The Ballad of El Goodo", and "September Gurls", by that's about it. He considers the rest of their catalog "art rock." Tom thinks that is a pretty stringent Power Pop policy, and the caller says that PPPP's idea of the perfect pop song is The Children's "You're My Baby", a deep cut from the obscure band's lone 1979 album on Bomp!. He compares it to The Paul Collins Beat's "Rock and Roll Girl" and sings a bit of that tune's chorus. PPPP gets down on bands that deviate from what he calls "textbook Power Pop."

Tom wonders why it's such a big deal to not fit into his vision of the world, but the caller points out that he's a very powerful figure in the PP scene. PPPP is able to pay all of the authentic PP bands very well, so they don't want to ruffle his feathers by straying offbook. The caller admits that he's getting $7,000 for each call he makes to local radio stations to promote the bands playing Poptastrophe 2007. He says he will tell PPPP that he made at least a hundred calls, but he will actually stop after this call, his first of the evening. The caller used to be into PP, but all this Power Pop Pop-Pop stuff has tainted his enjoyment of the music. He's also not too pleased with the whole PPPP-Robbie Rist rift. Rist, who played Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch, became a multi-instrumentalist and big PP supporter. Rist will not be attending Poptastrophe because he and PPPP had a falling out after Rist didn't ask PPPP to participate in a Dwight Twilley documentary he was putting together. PPPP felt slighted so he didn't get any Rist quotes for Shake Some Action, his forthcoming 1,200-page oral history about The Flamin' Groovies song. PPPP wrote the book for the 45 RPM series, a single-centric takeoff on the 33 1/3 series. Tom is baffled by the length of the book considering the 33 1/3 album books are only around 100 pages long. (I'm currently working on a 45 RPM tome for Psychotic Norman's "Davy Jones' Watercooler". Look for it in the Fall of 2009.) The caller says that PPPP has already written five or six 45 RPM series books under different names, including epic entries on The Raspberries' "Go All The Way", Fotomaker's "Where Have You Been All My Life", Cheap Trick's "Surrender", The Beatles' "Day Tripper", and "She's Got It" by The Chords.

The caller says he tried to read some of the books, but he couldn't do it. He says that people in the PP scene joke with PPPP about how he's encroaching on Vincent Bugliosi's turf. The longtime prosecutor and Helter Skelter scribe recently published the 1632-page Reclaiming History: The Assassinaton of John F. Kennedy. The caller says that PPPP doesn't laugh at these jokes, and he actually can't recall ever seeing PPPP laugh or smile at anything. Tom thought that Power Pop was supposed to be fun music, but the caller says PPPP takes it very seriously. He once saw him spank a guy in The Records (my guess is that it was John Wicks) because he heard him talking about a sitar. The imposing PPPP put the adult man over his knee and delivered the punishment. Tom thinks this is absurd behavior. The caller says PPPP rejects keyboards and any instruments he classifies as "drug-related", such as sitars, violins, and cellos. He's only interested in the classic Power Pop quartet -- guitar, guitar, bass, and drums. Every band playing Poptastrophe adheres to this formula. The caller says that PPPP once tried to throw Bill Janovitz from Buffalo Tom out of a window. He told him that his band was a disgrace to Power Pop. Tom tells the caller that BT is not PP, but this obviously didn't phase PPPP.

The caller says the worst PPPP altercation was when he attacked Micky Dolenz during a show on The Monkees 1986 reunion tour. Tom definitely wants to hear about because Dolenz is on his s hitlist after snubbing him at a party. Tom expressed his admiration for Head, and Dolenz didn't care. Shameful. The caller points out that on that tour Dolenz played a Simmons pad in lieu of a traditional drum set. This allowed him to stand at the front of the stage and sing via a headset. When PPPP saw the electronic drums, he lost it. He ran onto the stage, shove Dolenz, and started throwing the PP contraband into the audience. PPPP cut a girl in the face with the shrapnel. Tom thinks this is terrible. The girl successfully sued PPPP for significant damages, but PPPP recouped his losses by winning his own lawsuit against Dolenz. The caller says that Judge Davies ruled that Dolenz was legally responsible for PPPP's rampage because of the extent to which he strayed from the tenets of textbook PP. Tom isn't surprised that the troubled -- and recently disbarred -- Davies would issue such a dubious ruling. The caller thinks that PPPP received at least $800,000 from Dolenz. Tom considers the judgment a lose-lose -- he's glad that Hate Pit resident Dolenz lost, but he's not happy that PPPP netted such a large sum.

The caller says the worst thing PPPP does is "pop" you. Tom wants to know how Power Pop Pop-Pop pops people. The caller says that PPPP uses a weapon called "The Popper". It's the size of a small handgun, but it's shaped like a Rickenbacher bass. When PPPP pulls The Popper's trigger, it shoots out rocks that he makes by hardening concentrated garbage in the oven. The caller says the makeshift artillery really hurts, and Tom thinks the garbage balls are disgusting. Power Pop Pop-Pop's pops are aimed to punish people, and nobody questions the violence because he's too powerful. The caller says that PPPP has a special Popper for women that's "just plain awful." Tom doesn't want to hear about it. The caller says he's currently in a little office in a lair that PPPP has in his PP Palace. Tom wants to hear about this lair, and the caller says their old friend Mr. Heidnick has nothing on Power Pop Pop-Pop. He doesn't think any murdering is going down, but the lair definitely has a disturbing dungeon vibe.

The lair, however, is not quite as disturbing as the fact that The Resistance are also playing the Poptastrophe festival. Tom isn't familiar with this PP band, and the caller thinks that's probably for the best. Tom assumes that they are approved by PPPP if they are on the bill, but the caller is very hesitant about this particular band. The caller has to get the other line, and it's PPPP checking in on his progress. The caller tells an angry PPPP that he's been making calls all night with good results. Yikes. PPPP believed him because he stopped listening to the radio to avoid smashing his car again. The caller says that PPPP once shot his car off a bridge after hearing a latter-day Greg Kihn song. He jumped out of the vehicle just in time. Hence the sidecar. Tom thought PP music was about good times and falling in love, but the caller assures him that he won't be hearing any of that if he listens to The Resistance. They are a White Power Pop band. The caller says they have become a real dilemma for the PP community because while nobody likes their message, they are generally considered one of the best PP bands of the last decade on purely musical grounds. The caller says their songs are like if Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels wrote lyrics for The Rubinoos. The Resistance are signed to the Panzerfaust label, which Tom heard about from two-inch racist Timmy von Trimble. The caller wonders how TvT was able to use a phone. Tom blocked out that information. He kicks the receiver off the cradle and jumps on the buttons! The caller says the songs are technically amazing, but they are ultimately undone by WP lyrics.

He starts to get nervous because he thinks he hears PPPP's sidecar pull up outside the PP Palace. Tom asks the caller if any of the PP bands he likes -- Tommy Keene, Velvet Crush, The Posies -- are playing Poptastrophe. The caller explains that those guys want nothing to do with this whole scene because they think PPPP is really creepy. The caller knows where they would get that idea, and he's about to find out a little more because PPPP is coming into the lair right now. The caller says that he's armed with The Popper, and he tells Tom that he may or may not see him this weekend. Tom says he won't be attending Poptastrophe just as the caller gets popped by Power Pop Pop-Pop's Popper. After reacting to the pain of the The Popper's pop, he promises Power Pop Pop-Pop that he will start making more promotional calls.

- Martin in Edison calls (starts at 2:20) to say the show is heading for a W, and he doesn't want Tom to go soft in the last 40 minutes. He thinks Tom is usually swinging for the fences, but tonight's show is more evenly-paced. Tom's not sure what he means. Martin continues the baseball analogy, saying that when there is a guy on third base, Tom will sometimes try to crush the ball instead of just singling him home. Tom doesn't see any problems with his slugging, but Martin says he sometimes strikes out. Tom doesn't know what he's talking about. He's not worth a GOMP, so Tom just gives him a Goodbye. I suspect Martin was about to compare Tom to Dave Kingman.

- Tom proposes (starts at 2:22) a new topic based on a conversation he had with a friend about Joan Jett and the Blackhearts' "I Love Rock 'N Roll". He was particularly struck by the lyric in which Joan expresses her love for the genre and then requests that someone put another dime in the jukebox so she can continue to hear some rock. Tom notes that the cost has increased to $4 to hear two tunes from those fancy-schmancy Internet-enabled jukeboxes. Mike hates those because they have access to death metal. Tom doesn't think death metal should be transmitted over a jukebox, but that's the way it goes in lawless Williamsburg. He wonders if any families have ever accidentally booked a trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn instead of the historic district Colonial Williamsburg, Virgina. While they expected to see people in old-timey garb, they would likely be puzzled by the weird guy in the $200 ironic Ratt t-shirt (and, presumably, white belt) and all the tall bikers. Tom says that even if you get three songs for $1, the cost has skyrocketed true the roof since 1981. Tom wants to hear more examples of Insane Inflation. Mike says cereal, and Tom adds comic books -- 35 cents in 1978 to $3.50 today.

- A caller says (starts at 2:25) arcade games have inflated to $2.50 to play Tekken 6 for 30 seconds as people crowd around to watch you get whupped on the big screen. He longs for the days of the Ms. Pac-Man machine at the 7-11, dropping a mere quarter for 9-12 minutes of good-time entertainment.

- A caller puts (starts at 2:27) pay phones on the list. He paid $1 for a call from Manhattan to New Jersey. He thinks it used to cost a nickel, but Tom's not sure about that. They both agree that it certainly wasn't $1.

- A caller says (starts at 2:27) that it's becoming increasingly expensive to be hygienic these days. He's looking for new options because he spends $25 on a supply of turlet paper and paper towels that only last a week. Tom gets rid of him for referring to cleanliness "down there" -- what Zachary Brimstead, Esq. would call "undercarriage maintenance" -- like he's some kind of dog.

- Justin calls (starts at 2:28) from Chester, NY, where not a damn thing ever happens. He's going to stick around with his family for now, but he hopes to escape to Mexico fairly soon. Justin mentions that the price of CDs have remained constant for all of eternity, still clinging to that absurd $15.99 sticker. Tom is old, so he remembers when CDs were first introduced. At the time, the prevailing wisdom was that they would be expensive until the format took off, and then the price floor would fall out. No such luck. Tom tells Justin to stay in his parents' basement and hide from this sick world.

- A caller remembers (starts at 2:30) the good old days when a slice of pizza could be had for a mere 55 cents compared to the $2.00 of today. Tom says it depends where you eat your pizza because he can get cheaper slices at the Hess station. The caller says he was referring to some decent pizza at Union Market. Tom doesn't appreciate the Hess diss, and he asks the caller if he's ever sampled any of their pies. The caller says he thankfully has never even seen it in there. Tom was unaware that he was talking to Mario Bataglia. He GOMPs the caller for trying to make him feel bad about liking gas station grub. Tom doesn't appreciate the snobatorium attitude of "foodies". He argues that it's just eating, and he's not too stupid to know when he's eating good stuff and when he's eating junk.

- Dustin calls (starts at 2:32) from D.C., but he's not at the Dischord house listening to the Teen Idles, S.O.A., or that Egg Hunt single. He left the local punk scene in search of the quiet life. Dustin points out that cans of vending machine soda that used to cost 25 cents will now run you $1. Tom doesn't know how the cost of soda quadrupled, but it makes him mad. He thinks the topic is making him sound like a grouch, but he's really just fascinated by the inflation of consumer goods and services. He switches the topic to People Who Make You Feel Bad in honor of the guy who was showing off with his love of high-end pizza. Tom doesn't like people who make him feel like he should be eating Whoppers like a GEICO caveman.

[REMAINDER OF RECAP LOST DUE TO TECHNICAL GLITCHERY.]

W. 2007 Best Show record improves to 18-0.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Hesh calls to get Tom's take on Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Tom discusses Roger Scharpling's Memorial Day rampage after Dom passed him some imported mustard, Josh in Miami calls to talk about the prices of hot roll steel and titanium, and Pancake Promenade proprietor Paul Pritchett praises the potent Poptastrophe performance of Penny and the Popsicles.

Take us home, filthmouth Cousin Oliver:

Posted by Omar at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Tuileries," un short film des frères Coen dans Paris, je t'aime:

Posted by Omar at 3:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Joey Kramer's got a yacht because of this album. Because of those muted browns." -- Tom on the Aerosmith drummer's luxurious toy aquatic

"Yesterday I had a conversation about salami with somebody." -- Daniel, Twittering away his days

"I got nothing to be arrogant about." -- Hesh, coming clean on his sad life

"I've taken up cigars because someone told me they aren't as bad." -- Frederick Douglas, receiving some odd health advice

"I wanted a vegetable panini! Does this look like a vegetable panini?!" -- Ira Glass, raging about his lunch

"What, were they wearing shirts?" -- Tom, asking Audrey in San Fran how she knew the Conan audience was filled with out-of-towners

"Van Morrison? No. No, no, that means the Good Old Days were worse." -- Tom, correcting a caller's historical perspective

"Jerry was playing some flapper music tonight. I thought it sounded great." -- Tom, sticking up for his lead-in's old-timey playlist

"First they came for the grilled chicken, and I said nothing. They then came for meatloaf, and I stood by and did nothing. Then they came for stew, and I did nothing. Then when they finally came for sandwiches ... I don't remember what the rest of that saying is." - Tom on a caller's inability to thwart some fictional culinary marauders

"You know what, it's not a book, though. Nothing should be left to the imagination when you're watching something that's actually happening." -- Tom, rejecting the notion of fontasy sports viewing

"I've gotta say, I've never heard anybody sing 'All By Myself' four times in a row nearly as effectively as you did on air." -- Dave from Knoxville on Tom's classic Eric Carmen mini-opera

"You know what doesn't work on kidney stones? Herbs." -- Tom on Evan's wife's misdiagnosis

"Would you want to fly on a plane being flown by the guy who decided to make Wild Hogs?" -- Tom, questioning the safety of air travel with John Travolta

"I could take over Sweden. Makes me want to go there. I'd probably be elected mayor of a city in four days." -- Tom, projecting his rise to power

"I mean that's something that you just can't shake. That early kinda programming, you know, you just see your dad do that and you, know, you just kinda fall into that." -- Dom on learning to forget his wallet

"Oh, come on, you think you're a big deal because you work in a cubicle at Consolidummies." -- Dom Scharpling on his brother's arrogance

"Well, technically they were pants, though, you gotta give me that. They just weren't adult pants." -- Dom Scharpling on his controversial near-ejection from Captain's Donuts

"Well, hey, I know you and dad never thought I'd passed mustard. Like I wasn't as good as you." -- Dom Scharpling, acknowledging his standing within the family

"I needed to get those Poison tickets." -- Dom Scharpling on why he dropped out of college two days prior to graduation

"You wouldn't be able to take it. Your haunches would be black in about three minutes." -- Dom Scharpling, assessing Tom's stamina as a belt-whipping player

"Dr. Snooty? Sounds like he's making a house call right now. Great to have you back." -- Dom Scharpling on Tom's criticism of the GEICO Cavemen series

"Wipe it off, Dom." -- Tom, instructing his brother to remove "blue" from his lips

"Is your self-esteem that low? Whaddya need a prop, a gimmick? What are you, Carrot Top?" -- Tom, trying to figure out why Michelle continues to smoke

"Take 'em over to Pat's Steaks. Ask him to cook 'em on the grill." -- Tom, trying to help Rick from Philadelphia dispose of his Veronica Mars DVDs

"For shame, teachers. Suddenly, you, teachers, are the ones who need to learn. How's that feel, teacher? Huh, teacha-teacha?" -- Tom, urging educators to give up the hope of million-dollar paydays

"It's hard being one." -- Tom on real-life heroes

[TBSOWFMU - 5/15/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Black Sabbath - "The Mob Rules"

( Click here to buy The Dio Years)

XTC - "No Thugs In Our House"

( Click here to buy English Settlement)

Sloan - "Two Seater"

( Click here to buy Smeared for like 58 cents or some such craziness)

Battles - "dDiamondd"

( Click here to buy Mirrored)

The Time Flys - "Romance + Violence"

( Click here to buy Rebels of Babylon)

Chokebore - "Comeback Thursday"

( Click here to buy Anything Near Water)

Destruction Unit - "The Fools Will Dance"

( Click here to buy Death to the Old Flesh)

River City Tanlines - "Lookin' For A Line"

( Click here to buy I'm Your Negative)

Bonus Track:

Big Star - "I'm in Love With a Girl"

( Click here to buy #1 Record/Radio City)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Can Tom do another one? He did another one! Can Omar recap another one? He can recap another one!

Open-phone Tuesdays remain rooted in the Good Old Days, a vague catchall for bygone, supposedly better times that Tom hates and rejects. It's certainly debatable whether Spike ever had any "good old days", but Tom points out that he's definitely running on fumes in the present with last week's set of some of his best Moldy Oldies. Spike's days of riding a familiarity streamroller over the hump are ova, so it's back to the drawing board for that chief. Tom imagines that Spike will try to write new material in his basement apartment while sitting in front of one of those all-purpose entertainment centers that olds often own. A giant record player built into the furniture, a television hiding beneath a lid, and two massive speakers bookending the whole deal.

Tom undoubtedly annoyed Spike by completing his heave-ho three weeks in a row Aerosmith romp with a twofer of "Jailbait" from the Jimmy Crespo-era album Rock in a Hard Place and the title track from Toys in the Attic. Tom asks listeners to imagine a heavy metal hard rock group in 2007 releasing an album with an old-timey cover featuring mischievous, attic-based toys climbing out of their box. He doubts that any record executives (maybe Ziegler over at Wawa?) would be too excited about an image of a weird elephant toy, a gnome, a bear, and a horse shown in gloriously muted browns. But this is then and that was 1975, and Aerosmith knew what they were doing. Tom points out that Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer has a yacht because of those muted browns. Meanwhile, Tom’s riding a recliner bicycle all over town. Advantage: Joey Kramer. Kramer: 1. Scharpling: 0.

At first, nobody had the courage to defy the open-phone Tuesday rule, but three gutsy callers illuminate the lines.

- 14-years-young Daniel in New York calls (starts at 25:51) to say his freshmen year of high school is going well. He's not getting picked on, and he's not doing any picking of his own. Tom assumes that Daniel's scholastic conflict avoidance means he's home-schooled. He's not. After several clipped replies, Tom asks Daniel to further reduce his answers to just a grunting noise. Tom can still hear an actual letter. Daniel says that he's not in a rush and Tom's not holding him up. He curtails his curtness to get Tom's take on the social networking/"micro-blogging" Web application Twitter. Tom has never been to the site, so he wants Daniel to homeschool him on its appeal. Daniel explains that Twitter allows you to text/IM everything you are doing to create an online version of passing paper-based notes to your "friends" in class. For example, your virtual friends will receive updates on all of your daily funtivities like making coffee, doing homework, applying "blue", slapfighting, or macraméing stool covers. Tom wants to know why there's a pressing need to alert others to everything you're doing. Daniel says the exchange of information sparks interesting conversations. Tom imagines that Twitter gives you the chance to bond with someone over shared boredom, but Daniels says the conversations also delve into more specific areas. Like cured meats. He talked to somebody yesterday about salami.

Tom asks Daniel if his parents ever reminisce about the Good Old Days. Daniel says that his dad has noted the differences of the past, but he's never issued any qualitative judgments about how they stack up against the present. He recalls hearing his father talk about the colored gel strips he'd stick on his black-and-white television when he was growing up in Greece. The gels created the illusion of color programming before real color sets were affordable to the average Greek family. Tom says that this makeshift colorization effort is less an example of the Good Old Days and more just plain weird. He asks Daniel if his father had him when he was 60, but Daniel doesn't really know how old he is. He admits that he doesn't remember things very well. However, Daniel is able to cite the DOBs (3/16 and 4/28) of both of his parents. Daniel says he'd sort of like to live in the past because he likes fiddling with old things. He longs for the tactile experiences that are often missing in the digital age of the computer poke and click. Tom logs Danie's vote. He notes that the Good Old Days topic was inspired by Mike the Associate Producer's incessant pining for 1999 -- the new Good Old Days. The Matrix! Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah ibni Almarhum Sultan Hisamuddin Alam Shah Al-Haj, Sultan of Selangor, becomes the 11th Yang di-Pertuan Agong of Malaysia! Napster! Freaks and Geeks! The Slim Shady LP! My fourth-place finish in the turkey leg eating contest at the Tribridge Renaissance Fair!

Daniel says he does like the Internet, but he still favors the G.O.D. Tom tells Daniel that Twitter better not be a porno site, and if it is, Tom will give him a spanking. He knows he's not Daniel's parent, and the creepy spanking is probably illegal, but he would have to offer some kind of violent reprisal. Tom offers a single rap to the mouth as an alternative punishment. Daniel can't properly assess his options because he's never experienced either. Tom asks Daniel if he thinks he could hold his own in a full-on fight with a grown-up in an A&P parking lot. The fighting area would be a 20-foot-diameter circle enclosed by shopping carts to entrap the combatants. Tom tosses the little creep for toilet mouth, which he may have picked up at Larry Flynt University High Academy??

- Owen, a Man of the People, calls (starts at 33:44) to remind everyone about the Great American Bake Sale® this coming Saturday. Tom forgot to put any food on his porch for last week's USPS Stamp Out Hungrr collection. He just moved so he was low on spare canned goods, but he thinks Owen announced it on last week's show to be able to hide in the bushes and swipe some baked beans. Tom accuses Owen of taking the food back to the supermarket on behalf of his mommy to earn store credit. Owen laughs and does not deny doing this. Despite working for Fox News, Owen appears to be a charitable man, so Tom wants to know how he first got involved in fighting hungrr. Owen says he connected with the cause because everyone needs food and shelter. Tom asks Owen where entertainment ranks amongst life's greatest necessities. He plans to hold another bakesale to give every kid the chance to see Shrek the Third, brought to you by Sprite. In addition to the ticket, each kid will receive a child's size Sprite soft drink and a Sprite t-shirt. (If I were one of the kids, I'd hold out for some Shrek/Sprite knee pants.) Owen confirms that kids do indeed love the Sprite, and he thinks Tom's bakesale is a fantastic idea.

Owen believes that once you've locked down some food and shelter, entertainment is up there as a human need. Tom points out that a movie theater provides shelter for two hours -- more if you mill about the lobby pre-show and stick around for the closing credits. Owen suggests that needy kids could extend their stay even longer by sneaking into another movie. Tom GOMPs him for promoting an immoral act. He also says that his Shrek the Third drive is only for the benefit of rich kids. Co-sponsor National Amusements, Inc. doesn't feel that underprivileged children will be able to throw down for $11 Pretzel Bites, so they are not interested in their participation. Tom does a very brief Lenoesque stand-up riff about having to take out a bank loan to buy snacks at the movies.

- Hesh calls (starts at 37:57) for Mr. Scharpling, and he's in luck because Tom answered the line. He says that he originally intended to talk about Spider-Man 3, but now he's more intrigued by the Good Old Days topic. Tom hasn't seen the Spidey film that came out two weeks ago. He reminds listeners that Hesh is the boob who called last week to carp about how there hasn't been any good shows in 2007. Tom pretended he was sad and lured Hesh into the ultimate rope-a-dope GOMP. Hesh fell for it hook, line, and sinker because his pride clouded his mind. For a split second, he thought he was a hotshot arbiter of the W/L divide. Tom tells Hesh that he was shown up in front of everyone. And they all laughed. Hesh compares it to a scene from Carrie, but Tom disputes it because Carrie wasn't an arrogant blowhard who paraded through school telling everyone about her special powers.

Hesh disagrees with Tom's assessment of him because he has nothing to be arrogant about. Tom thinks that's a sad commentary on the state of Hesh. He also mocks Hesh's tardy Spider-Man 3 topic, sarcastically suggesting that they revisit The Punisher. Hesh asks Tom if he's referring to the 1989 Dolph Lundgren vehicle, cementing his status as a nerd. Hesh hails from the rough South Side of just outside Chicago, and Tom envisions this soft-serve vanilly cone melting in the sun. Hesh says that vanilla is the correct flavor because he's the whitest man alive. (Oddly, I recently found out that Hesh paints his left hand black.) Tom wants to know how this weakling dares to give him what-for about poor shows. Hesh argues that Tom was asking for criticism by declaring the show a W. Hesh felt like it was his duty to be honest and contest the victory. Tom says tonight's show is an L because Hesh is boring. He doesn't even give him the honor of a GOMP. He just hangs up.

- Frederick Douglas, the 18th [sic] century abolitionist, calls (starts at 41:28) on behalf of America to promote The Best Show and its podcast. He's also mostly calling about the good times in the past. Mr. Douglas enjoyed the "biggie salads" that his family used to make in his aunt's house in the late evenings when he was a free man. The salads were made by combining biggie cucumbers, biggie peppers, biggie tomatoes, and little lettuce in a bowl. Olive oil and vinegar was then poured on top as an Omega-3-rich dressing. Mr. Douglas points out that the beauty of the salad is that all of its ingredients are biggie-sized. It is large enough to feed the American people when they are free.

Mr. Douglas begins coughing, and Tom asks him if he's suffering from some kind of lung-based rheumatism or "the vapors." Mr. Douglas says he's a smoker, having failed to quit numerous times. He recently switched to cigars because someone told him that they weren't as bad. Tom says he's also a smoker, and Mr. Douglas thinks that's good. Tom actually doesn't smoke because he's not a sicko. Mr. Douglas says that despite his habit he's been able to live a long life. He reveals that he will be around 500 years old when he passes away. Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? Tom wonders if he's a vampire, but Mr. Douglas attributes his longevity to Taoist exercises. He says that the Taoist master Li Chen-Yeung reportedly lived for 2,500 years due to his commitment to Taoist principles. Mr. Douglas says he could teach Tom th exercises, but Tom's more concerned about getting him a throat lozenge. Mr. Douglas says there were not such lozenges in his day, but Tom reminds him of the Omega-3 oils he put on the biggie salads. Mr. Douglas says everyone had olive oil back then. Touche!

Mr. Douglas asks Tom if he likes Big Star. Tom finds it odd that he was condemned for mentioning the modern lozenge, but Mr. Douglas is now referencing a 1970s rock band. Mr. Douglas says he's a fan, and he offers to sing one of their tunes. He also gives Tom permission to sing along. Mr. Douglas requests a background beat from Tom (denied) and does a croaking rendition of "I'm in Love With a Girl" that resembled a death rattle more than power pop. Stick to oratory, son. Tom cuts him off mid-verse.

- Jon in Lawrenceville, NJ, calls (starts at 45:48) to contribute to The Best Things You've Overhead topic from two weeks ago. On a Saturday night a few years ago Jon was walking with his friend Paul in Manhattan. A police officer walked past them in the opposite direction, and they heard his dispatch reporting on his radio that a suspect was last scene carrying a hamster in a birdcage.

Jon called last August to report that his wife was not on on The Best Show bus. He says that she's now getting slightly more on board with the program. However, Tom may have impeded the progress with his dissing of This American Life last week. Jon says that the rant made her feel like her radio show was fighting with his radio show. She apparently digs the yucky egghead shows, but Jon says he has caught her laughing out loud to Best Show content. His wife will also chuckle at TAL, in addition to getting emotionally invested in the stories in ways Jon cannot understand. Tom is also unable to explain the emotional pull of a nerd talking about a farmer's daily life. Jon says he finds the cadence of the show's contributors off-putting, and Tom defines it for him: being pompous. Tom wonders if their hushed, breathy tones are the result of a fear of microphones. He wants them to just TALK! Tom is also convinced that Ira Glass has a big-time temper when he's off the air, flipping over his desk in a rage, his big, old-fashioned microphone tumbling to the floor. He speculates that the source of this anger was receipt of a subpar vegetable panini. Tom bets that this is his sandwich of choice. The Pride of Mercer County thinks Tom may be right.

- Dylan the Labyrinth Guy calls (starts at 49:15) to take a break from cleaning and rearranging his apartment. I took that to mean he was moving his "Ludo Shrine" to the other side of the living room and putting up some newly-framed Jennifer Connelly pictures in his bedroom. Dylan says he likes to stick to movie/TV chatter so he recalls the Good Old Days of "Midnight Movies" like John Waters's Pink Flamingos. He doubts that Labyrinth would ever earn a midnight slot because it's not scary enough. [Insert David Bowie package joke here.] Tom adopts Dylan's POV and says that in the Good Old Days people would make movies featuring actors in life-sized Muppet costumes and Bowie in a spiked fright-wig. Dylan certainly agrees that Labyrinth is an awesome film with very intense costume design. He once again credits Jim Henson as being a very good creative creator.

Dylan asks Tom if he's ever seen the Henson-produced Dinosaurs. Tom saw it, and he thought it was terrible. Dylan's shocked to hear this. He predictably disagrees with Tom's assessment and argues that it's become funnier with age. Tom dismisses it as Family Guy B.C.. Dylan likes the comparison, and he thinks it's cool that the Sinclair family related to today's life as if it were B.C. Tom thinks Dylan will really enjoy the new Cavemen series, brought to you by the creative ad lizards over at Geico. Dylan says that concept seems a little ridiculous, but Tom assures him that it's tailor-made for him. Dinosaurs fandom + Family Guy fandom = Cavemen love. Dylan's excited, and he hopes there's an entire episode devoted to the caveman standing on a moving sidewalk. Tom is looking forward to seeing the GEICO cavemen watch Labyrinth. Dylan bets that they would be blown away by the crazy costumes and David Bowie's tight pants.

Dylan wins Tom over, and he wants to become a regular caller. Mike informs Tom that when he previously called to promote Labyrinth, he claimed his name was Bobby. Dylan wasn't sure if anyone would catch that switcheroo. Ha ha. You can't slip anything through, son. People recap these shows, you know. Dylan says he called as "Bobby" because he was GOMPed earlier in the evening as Dylan for using toilet mouth during a Griiiiindhouse call. He was afraid that Tom would dump him again, and he wouldn't be able to express his love for Labyrinth. Tom asks Dylan to repeat what he feared. Dylan now fears that Tom will do it right now. Tom says that he's not going to do it. Dylan is relieved, but then Tom gets him. Tom laughs at his accomplishment.

- Audrey calls (starts at 52:56) from San Francisco, and Tom congratulates her on the great job when Conan O'Brien took Late Night to her city a couple of weeks ago. Tom was particularly fond of how SF audiences would yell over every joke and punchline. Audrey wasn't able to get tickets, and she was embarrassed because the Chicago Conan shows were much better. Audrey tries to make excuses for the behavior by claiming that the bulk of the crowd were bridge-and-tunnelers from Fremont. Tom wants to know if Audrey identified these people as San Francisco fakes because they were wearing shirts. Audrey stood in line for an hour, and she says they all looked like they the slobs she sees at Oakland A's games. Audrey gets a bit uncomfortable with her Bay Area smackdown, and Tom points out that SF proper is only 7 miles, forcing people to the outlying areas. He laments that Conan was reduced to a Rosie O'Donnell-like audience atmosphere where he had to throw stuff at them to keep them happy.

Audrey thought the guests were pretty terrible, citing Randy Jackson and Robin Williams. Tom informs Audrey that Williams is the pride and joy of San Francicso. She doesn't seem to like the association with the manic comedian. Tom says that every time he's gone to SF, a cab driver has told him that Nash Bridges was shot there 41 years ago, pointing out the former residences of stars Don Johnson and Cheech Marin. Audrey tells Tom that she works in an office (really??), and her co-worker appeared in an episode of the series. She played a talkative journalist who got shot in the back by a baddie, and a DVD of her kill circulated at work. Audrey says she's not sure if Nash caught him because the DVD only contained the co-worker's clip. Tom lets Audrey know that they are bringing the show back with the older Andy Milonakis taking over the titular role from Don Johnson. Tom's not sold on the casting, but he thinks it will be a fun show.

Audrey says the reason she called was to talk about Sammy Hagar. Tom's not aware of any noteworthy Hagar happenings, and his ignorance causes Audrey to make the "pffft" noise. She usually gets her new from the Internet, but two nights ago she went to the corner store and saw a drunk, aging hippie come in. Presumably he joined the eight that were already in there. The hippie said that Hagar had just sold an 80% interest of his Cabo Wabo tequila brand for $80 million, and then he walked out. Tom gets rid of the moron for toilet mouth, embarrassing the people of San Francisco even more. At this point, he thinks the show is a stone-cold L. Audrey sent the show into the Disaster Zone -- a Presidio of Pain, if you will. Tom vows to take control of the bus instead of handing the wheel for Open Phone Snoozeday. Tom wonders if that's really who is out there. He's very concerned about the demographics of his listenership.

- Mike votes for the Good Old Days due to the absence of cell phones.

- Brendan from Parsippany calls (starts at 59:49) to say the Good Old Days were worse because there were only 10 TV channels back then.

- A caller says (starts at 1:00) the Good Old Days were much worse because the railroads were corrupt and big conglomerates controlled even larger segments of power. Tom is thankful that everything is now aboveboard and that we haven't had one family controlling the Presidency for 12 years. The caller thought Tom liked the Bush boys, but Tom says he goes a little more right than GWB. He was a Pat Buchanan man, but he bailed on him when he went soft.

- A caller says (starts at 1:01) he will ignore politics and give it up for the Good Old Days for having better music. He enjoyed the skiffle band Soup To Nuts and Van Morrison. Tom tells the caller that the presence of guys like Van Morrison means that the Good Old Days were worse. He fires again with Frédéric Chopin, and Tom realizes that he's Soup To Nuts minus the Soup.

- Tim, aka the guy who pledged for the naming rights to the upstairs call screener desk, calls (starts at 1:02) to say the Good Old Days were worse because they didn't have The Wire. Indeed. Tim agrees with Tom that television in general has greatly improved over the years. Tom points out that back then highbrow fare included stuff like The Jeffersons, Alice, and the terrible All in the Family. Mike sticks up for good shows like The Mary Tyler Moore and The Bob Newhart Show, but Tom requires more than just two shows in a 15-year span. Tim also thinks the cartoons are better now than in the Hanna-Barbera days of The Jetsons, talking skeletons, and pumpkins that sounded like Curly from The Three Stooges. Tom commends Tim for conducting himself with dignity, and he thinks he could teach Frederick Douglas about how to call a radio program. When FD called, Tom felt like he was at the Aspen Comedy Festival watching a one-man show by someone trying to get attached to a television series.

- Brett in Austin calls (starts at 1:04) to say he's still waiting for the truck with the good phones to arrive. He thinks the Good Old Days were worse better worse because Jerry Falwell was still alive. Brett thinks he was a pretty awful dude, and Tom wants him to take that back. He says that while Falwell was a little too lenient on some political issues, he respected the man. Tom met Falwell three times at sports collectors conventions, and he discovered that the fallen Reverend was a big collector of Houston Oilers memorabilia. Brett says that he always rooted for the Texas Rangers baseball team when they played the old Houston Oilers football team. Tom continues his tradition of asking Austin callers about Harry Knowles, but Brett is not familiar with the portly Rascal rider. Tom gets rid of Brett for asking if Ain’t It Cool News is on cable television.

- A guy from a halfway house somewhere in New Jersey calls (starts at 1:06) to say the Good Old Days were worse because Tom Scharpling wasn’t on the air. Tom appreciates the sweet sentiment, and he wants to get the name of the caller's counselor so he can recommend an extra serving of JELL-O. The caller says he'll give Mike the information off the air.

- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 1:07) to give an inside look at the city that just defended their title as the #1 road rage city in America. Tom congratulates Laurie, who takes great pride in her city's vehicular anger. Laurie admits that she is often full of road rage because of all the SUVs and Hummers crawling on the curb to get around her or running red lights at the crosswalks, terrorizing pedestrians. Not cool. Laurie says Miami will celebrate their ranking with a parade, and Tom hopes that someone drives angrily, constantly honking their horn at the car in front of them. Laurie says this is standard behavior on the streets of Miami. Tom says Jersey City didn't make the cut because its residents aren't wild animals. Tom wants to know the loudest music Laurie's ever heard coming out of a vehicle, and she notes that Miami is the home of L'Trimm, the local hip-hop duo of Lady Tigra and Bunny D who scored a hit in 1989 with the subwoofer jam "Cars With The Boom". Tom doesn't recall the single because he's more into old-fashioned music like "Winchester Cathedral" and "23 Skidoo". Laurie correctly guesses that Tom enjoyed the flapper music that Jerry Fabris was playing tonight before The Best Show. She's not a fan, and she says the Good Old Days were worse primarily because of flapper music. Tom is upset that Laurie took two shots at his lead-in, and he makes her apologize to Jerry so she can go out on a good note. Tom says that he's proud to have a legendary sound historian like Mr. Fabris on before him. Mac? Not so much.

- Bill calls (starts at 1:13) during his first-ever listen to vote for the Good Old Days. He appreciates that there was a certain innocence allowed during the old old days of I Like Pothead Ike. Bill was too young to form an opinion about McCarthyism, but he does have fond recollections of the post-WW2 / pre-Kennedy assassination era when candy was a nickel and gas was a quarter. Tom points out that it's all relative because your monthly salary was only $41. Bill says mothers would send kids to the store for cigarettes, and they'd be able to buy them no matter how young they were. Ah, the Good Old Days. Tom points out one unpleasant thing about this era: separate water fountains for black people. Bill says that Louisiana still has racism officially on its books, but Tom mentions that it's kind of being run out of places now.

- Pete from Middletown, NY, calls (starts at 1:16) to chime with a vote for the Good Old Days being worse than today because they didn't have moving sidewalks at the airports. Pete says he likes to move on his own accord, but he thinks the motorized sidewalks are a neat alternative for locomotion. Tom says that after sitting on a plane for seven hours, he doesn't mind a nice stroll through the terminal. Pete will agree to disagree on that own. Tom suggests hooking a go-kart to his set so he doesn't even have to get up upon landing. He can a little ride all the way to baggage claim. Pete likes the sound of that. Tom tells him to look into exercise and GOMPs him. The epitome of physical fitness has spoken!

- Tom decides (starts at 1:17) to do a five-minute Disagree With Tom segment. He will try to disagree with any opinion offered by a caller. Tom bans weirdo fringe stuff like arguing that Hitler was terrible, which would put him in the unenviable position of defending Hitler. This is actually a very easy one to pull off because Larry David has already done the research: Hitler didn't take any s hit from magicians.

A caller says that some drug dealers are good for the community. He also says that the CIA is responsible for supplying the drugs. Tom recommends that the caller contact the CIA for a new cell phone, and he argues that drug dealers are poisoning the community. They are not heroes, and the real world is not like New Jack City.

- A caller abandons (starts at 1:19) the Disagree With Tom format to say that she liked the Good Old Days when there was less advertising spam on e-mail, radio, and billboards. Tom is a bit offended because he enrolled in the University of Phoenix after seeing an intriguing pop-up ad. Tom thinks the caller should explore those pop-up windows to get a good price on an airplane ticket from Orbitz.

- A caller who sounds like a blue-tripping Pablo Fontana says (starts at 1:20) something about cooking food back in the day. Tom confirms that he's talking about cooking food and not garden hoses. The caller says he loved the Good Old Days when "they" had grilled chicken. Tom doesn't recall the ban on grilled chicken, and he thinks the caller can do better than that. He also wants to know who this all-encompassing "they" is. Tom imagines the caller sitting idly by while "they" (The Others? The Hills Have Eyes-style mutants?) first came to take away the grilled chicken. Then they came for meatloaf and stew, meeting little resistance. Tom thinks something might have gone down when they finally came for the sandwiches, but he can't remember the rest of the story.

- The Crame Dog calls (starts at 1:22) to see if Tom can effectively argue against this position: television sports coverage is worse now. He says that certain modern camera angles make him upset and nauseous. Tom says that everything he watches on ESPN Classic is so blurry that he can't even make out the action. He points out that you can barely see Willis Reed in the footage of his heroic entrance in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals. The Crame Dog takes it back at Tom by arguing that the lack of vision adds some romance. Tom says he would rather watch an episode of What’s Happening!! than a fuzzy Knicks classic. He was glad that he had a clean view of the Suns vs. Spurs game last night when Robert Horry checked Steve Nash into the scorer’s table. The Crame Dog says he would have seen the same thing in 1979, but Tom says it would have been captured by an overhead camera. He'd had to wait until the the next day's 11 p.m. news to see it again. The Crame Dog prefers more of the visual component to be left to the imagination, but Tom argues that a live sporting event is not a book. He wants to see what's actually happening. The Crame Dog wonders if we really need to see the clip of the Horry incident all day long on Sportscenter. Tom's solution is to simply shut ESPN off when you've had your fill of highlights.

- Amanda in San Diego calls (starts at 1:25) as she's walking her bike past a softball game. She's a little concerned that all of the female callers are starting to sound like the great, cheery Swiss Miss. Tom agrees that it's horrible when people are in good moods and sound positive when they call the show. Tom does an impression of a caller named Janet who sounds a bit like Ludo from Labyrinth to see if Amanda prefers that voice. She likes it because she talks like that sometimes. Tom wonders if she's excited about the Comic-Con that will happen in 19 months, but she's not a fan of the Convention Center. Tom enjoyed attending the Comic-Con a few years ago because there was a Padres game going on at the same time, creating the classic Jock Squad vs. Nerd Squad street battle. Tom asks Amanda to name the best restaurant in San Diego, and she goes with Pomegranate, which serves dishes from the former Soviet republic of Georgia.

Tom wants her to pick the city's best convenience store, and Amanda settles for the weak 7-11 that's within walking distance of her house. The Monmouth Beach, N.J. native favors QuikCHEK. Tom likes QuikCHEK because they make you feel like family. Tom had a 10-minute conversation with the guy behind counter at QuikCHEK, and as he left the store, he told himself that he could never go back to that location. Amanda says the employees of her local QuikCHEK were drug addicts, and Tom will not allow her to slander the fine people of QuikCHEK. Amanda points out that she was just slandering two specific drug-addled employees, not the entire institution.

- Taylor from Manhattan College calls (starts at 1:42) to report a potential celebrity sighting. He thinks he saw comedian Zach Galifianakis running in the woods around Van Cortlandt Park. Taylor chased after him, and the guy denied being Zach with a smirk. Tom suggests that it might have been the Zach lookalike from the Comcast commercial. Tom thinks that actor needs to shave the beard and show some dignity. Tom knows Zach Galifianakis, and this guy doesn't cut it. Taylor asks Tom if he thinks Zach would wear really bright 1980s-ish pants. Tom has no idea, but I finally figured it out. He saw Seth! I bet those pants were pleated and had a State Fair t-shirt stuffed into them. Taylor says that Tom's anti-Myspace rant last week somehow made him join the community. He claims he "friended" Tom, but Tom sets him straight. Taylor requested Tom's online friendship, and then Tom granted it. Tom orders Taylor to learn the Myspace rules before talking to him again.

- American Supercaller Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:45) to save the day by giving Tom some much-needed inspiration. He says it's already been an exceptional program, and he's confident it's only going to get better. He serves up a Disagree With Tom softball: southern racism in the 1950s wasn't such a bad thing. Dave wasn't alive then, but he just wants Tom to be able to hit one out the park. Tom thinks this is a testament to Dave being a class act. He's humble, and he earned his lofty Supercaller status. When Tom was out with his tummy ache, Dave listened to some of the vintage podcasts. He heard a classic installment where Tom and the callers were in the zone. Dave points out that the episode contains many of the sound clips featured in the opening Best Show theme, such as Jeffrey Ludell's "diseased orangutan" line. He's also been dipping into the archives as part of his catch-up effort, and he reports that he's never heard anyone sing Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" four times quite like Tom did on the air. Dave says the fourth rendition was just as stirring as the first. He reminds listeners that Tom had lost the will to live after back-to-back calls from Petey and Captain Jack. Tom says those guys are takers, while Dave is a giver. Tom compares Dave to vitamin water with taurine, whereas Petey and Captain Jack are dehydrating coffee, providing only a temporary jolt.

Dave says his enriching properties are a southern thing. He points out that despite a history of racism, the region's residents have always been very gracious. Dave didn't care about the Kentucky Derby -- his sport is baseball. Knoxville has the Tennessee Smokies, a minor-league affiliate of the Chicago Cubs, but he's always been an Atlanta Braves fan. Since his state has never had a pro team, his options were the Braves or the St. Louis Cardinals. To his credit, Dave was a Braves fan even when they were losing 105 games every year. Tom mocks Braves fans for failing to actually attend the games. Dave agrees that Atlanta is not a good sports town, and Tom says there are often more people on the field than in the stands. Dave's son starts chirping up in the background. Dave says he's anxious to be part of the show, but he must learn from daddy. When his son gets out of line, Dave punishes him by giving him a haircut -- an inch off for every transgression. Dave says he has a modified Owen Wilson surfer doo, so he whips out the clippers and Brylcreem. Cut it short and grease it down. Tom thinks he loves Dave from Knoxville. Dave returns the love and tells Tom to have a fantastic week. He cares about Tom beyond Tuesday night at 11 p.m.

If Hesh is a poison, Dave from Knoxville is a life-affirming elixir!

- Former American Supercaller Evan from Montclair calls to discuss his fall from Best Show grace. While he's on the upswing since his demotion, Tom says he's still on par with the guy who's in prison for ratting someone out. Evan points out that his wife also misdiagnosed Tom's pain, suggesting that he rely on herbal remedies. Tom was screaming in the emegency room 90 minutes later. Evan wants Tom to take a contrarian position to his preference for air travel in the Good Old Days. When he was a kid, Evan liked putting on his leisure suit to fly on the "Spruce Goose". Tom says he never understood the fascination with wearing a suit on a plane. While wearing sweatpants to jury duty is on one end of the sartorial spectrum, boarding a plane in the most uncomfortable clothing ever is at the other end. Evan says he once sat next to someone wearing pajamas, but Tom doesn't have to deal with any of the riff-raff because he hasn't flown in a commercial aircraft in seven years. He flies his own private jets, having studied under the tutelage of John Travolta. Tom is looking to acquire a second plane. Tom casts some doubt on Travolta's skills, wondering if it's wise to fly on a plane piloted by the guy who decided to make Wild Hogs. Tom asks Evan if the cruising altitude is 450,000 feet, and Evan says something about a Three Mile High sex club. Tom tells Evan to change the subject because he's not Al Goldstein, and it's not Midnight Blue the radio show. Tom hopes Goldstein is on the road to recovery because he's an American Hero.

Evan has been enjoying the show tonight, and he thinks the problem is that Tom is going up against the South Carolina Republican Presidential debate. Tom agrees because his listeners love debates that take place 35 months before the election. Mitt Romney’s ahead in the polls! Evan asks Tom what he thinks of Kucinich, but Tom doesn't know what that is. Evan wants Tom to check out the debate, but Tom tells him that he's not in some kind of 24-style control center. He would have to throw on a Fleetwood Mac album and run up two floors to watch it. Evan says the podcasts have changed his life, and Tom thinks his attempt to get back in his good graces is kinda embarrassing. The only Evan Tom cares about is Evan "Funk" Davies.

- Dan in Sweden via Hunstville, Alabama, calls from a submarine at 4 a.m. his time. He's not a Comedy Zone* Message Board person, but he is a graduate student. He gets to go to school for free, and Tom considers going to Sweden. Dan says the non-confrontaional Swedes would probably hate him. Tom thinks he could take over the country and get elected as the mayor of a city within four days of arriving there. He would get rid of the sitting mayor and yell at people to vote for him even if there was not an election being held. Dan thinks a campaign based on lower taxes would easily win them over. He says the best part of living in Sweden is the girls, although they don't like him. They prefer his exotic Mexican friends. Tom doesn’t want to know about this weird story. He thinks Huntsville is even more exotic than Sweden, and Dan says his hometown is known for having a bunch of rockets and stuff. Tom wants to know the worst part of living in Sweden, but Dan says "uh" for more than three seconds. Under new Best Show rules, this yields an automatic dismissal.

- A caller says (starts at 2:00) that he prefers the old days when little brothers did the bidding of their older brothers. Uh oh. It's Dom Scharpling, Tom’s older brother. Dom wants Tom to show him some respect by addressing him as "Sir." Tom is reluctant to use the title because Dom's his brother, not his father. Dom just wants Tom to say it once, but Tom refuses. Dom shows Tom disrespect by calling him a "little creep." He then sarcastically thanks Tom for his performance on Sunday during their Mother's Day brunch at Captain's Donuts. Dom says he didn't appreciate what he perceived as Tom flaunting his money by offering to pay for the meal. Tom counters by saying that Dom's standard approach is to conveniently forget his wallet when attending family gatherings. Dom confirms that he did not bring his wallet, but he disputes the fact that it's a recurring problem. Tom cites Danny's birthday, Sean's birthday, Easter, and the Valentine's Day family brunch as additional examples, and Dom says he learned the tactic from their dad, Roger Scharpling. Tom doesn't think their dad's history of bad behavior is much of an excuse. Dom argues that it's hard to shake the early programming of seeing your dad consistently forget his wallet. Tom recalls seeing their mother have to pay for brunches because their dad or Dom were moneyless. Roger pulled the stunt on Sunday, and Dom thinks that's great. He chuckles as he thinks about it. Tom stepped up and paid, a gesture that prompts Dom to ask him if he thinks he's a real fatcat. Tom says that he prefers not to be put in the position of paying for everyone after certain people do the "wallet pat" routine.

Dom insists that Tom thinks he's a big deal because he works in a cubicle at "Consolidummies", the derogatory nickname for Consolidated Cardboard adopted by Dom and his friend Benji. Tom apologizes for having a job. Dom asks Tom if he can believe that the Captain was going to toss him out of the eatery just because he wasn't wearing pants. Tom believes it and says he was embarrassed by Dom's attire. Dom wants credit for technically wearing "pants" -- they just weren't adult pants. He wore children's knee pants to brunch. Sounds like he was dressed for Colonial Days about three weeks too late! Dom provides the backstory of how he made a sartorial decision better suited for a 10-year-old. He spent Mother's Day Eve at the residence of Sheila Larson, the chick he's been doing it with. Dom wonders why the Scharplings never celebrated Mother's Day Eve, but Roger made them observe Father's Day Eve as well as Father's Day proper. Tom says that's just the way their dad did it. Dom still can't believe he made them serenade him with one of his original compositions, “Dad, You’re A Star”, every June. Tom thinks it's pretty embarrassing for Roger to write a song that he expected his children to sing as though they came up with the sentiments on their own. Dom sings a bit of the childhood tune ("Dad, you're a star/You know that's what you are") and gets sick to his stomach. He says he was lying in bed with Sheila, pondering her status as a MILF, when he remembered it was Mother's Day about 30 minutes before the scheduled brunch. Dom's only problem was that his adult pants were torn in the frenzy that was their lovemaking session. Tom makes the "d-d-d-d-da" noise to indicate that he is not interested in the details of said spirited session.

Since the ripped pants were unfit for Captain's Donuts, Dom says he was forced to borrow some pants from Sky Stalker, Sheila's son from her marriage to Corey Harris, the idiot from Mother 13 who climbed that mountain. Tom wants to know if Larson is Dom's current girlfriend, but he prefers the term "squeeze for this week." He likes to play it wide and open. Tom informs him that he's no longer 20, so he should consider committed relationships. Dom says one thing he's committed to is hating the Captain. Dom says the attempted ejection is part of the source of his anger, but he also feels that the Captain thinks he's cool because he has that one fake hand. Tom points out that he lost his hand while making donuts. Dom still senses that the Captain thinks he's above everyone due to the weird prosthetic. Tom says he hasn't detected any superior attitude coming from the Captain. Dom recalls the time he and Benji beat the Captain with his own hand because he wouldn't let them bring their Porta-Ghettos into the shop. Tom remembers it as a terrible incident, while Dom thinks it was a great event. Tom respects the Captain as a guy who lost his hand in the line of duty and still managed to quickly land on his feet to continue making donuts for the people of Newbridge. Dom says that he heard the Captain was a trust-funder. He thinks "they" are all trust-funders. Tom doubts the Captain completed the second grade. Dom suspects the hand, which is painted black, is actually made of ivory. Tom can't confirm its construction material, but he does think it's weird that the Caucasian Captain paints his fake hand black.

"That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for the Dearborn, MI, police squad."

Dom asks Tom if he's heard the 911 call from the guy in Michigan who thought that he and his wife were dying after eating some crippling hash brownies. Tom's not familiar with it, and Dom says it's floating around the Internet. He actually saw it on Keith Oberlin's MSNBC show. Tom tells him that it's Keith Olbermann, and Dom wants to know why Tom's always correcting everybody. Dom says that everybody hates this Tom trait. Tom says it may be a bad habit, but he's just trying to prevent people from repeating the same mistakes. Dom's not sure what mistake he made, so Tom reminds him that he mispronounced Keith Olbermann's last name. Dom doesn't seem pleased and decides to continue with his story. Tom refers to a "tape", and Dom calls him a jerk. He says it's 2007, so the audio is captured and transferred over the Internet in digital .mp3 files not cassettes. Tom points out that Dom was very quick to correct his mistake, but Dom justifies it because he's right and Tom's wrong.

Dom says that the couple consumed the brownies, and the guy called 911 because he was so high that he was convinced that they died. He requested an emergency squad to rescue them. When Dom saw it on the news, it took him back to the time his buddy Benji OD'd on pot. Tom says he doesn't remember that at all, and Dom thinks Tom was away at camp when it happened. Tom says he's not surprised because Benji was not the smartest guy in the room. Dom takes offense to Tom disparaging his good friend. Dom says that he and Benji made pot butter and ate it like it was fudge. They didn't know that the butter was supposed to be used as an ingredient in the narcotic baked good, not a standalone snack. Dom says that Benji went under after eating chunks of super-concentrated weed butter. Tom's never heard anything about this, and Dom says Tom should consider himself lucky that he wasn't the one who would have had to tell Benji's parents that his final words didn't involve a message of love for them. Benji’s final words to Dom came in the form of a question. He wanted to know who was the better bassist: Journey's Ross Valory or REO Speedwagon's Gary Richrath. In his hallucinatory state, Benji apparently forgot that Richrath was a lead guitarist. Benji did recover from the overdose. Dom says those were good times, but Tom disagrees. Dom tells Tom that he stinks and calls him a "little dweeboid."

Tom is amused that Dom thinks he can still bully him. Dom says that he knows that Tom and dad never thought he passed mustard. Tom doesn't understand how someone who attended the same school could say "mustard" instead of muster". Dom thinks "mustard" means that you've got it, and he thinks Tom's sense of superiority stems from him quitting college on the second-to-last day. Tom tells Dom that his failure to graduate still upsets their parents. Dom says he had to drop out to get those Poison tickets. Tom points out that the worst part of the whole ordeal is that he didn't even secure the tickets. Dom did sneak into the show, and it was a great until he hit frontman Bret Michaels in the face with one of Benji's boots. After Dom whipped the boot up to the stage, Benji got thrown out and beaten up by a female security guard. Dom was bounced shortly after that hilarious beatdown. Tom wonders if that's all Dom has to show for his lack of college education, but Dom says he also has the case of Nutty Buddies that he stole from the concession stand. Tom jokingly suggests it was all worth it, and Dom says it depends on how you look at it. He still has the frozen treats in their parents' freezer.

Two members of the West Southbridge Burgundybacks practice for the upcoming Whip-Off

Dom says his job sweeping up at the Wiffle® golf ball factory isn't going that great, and he gets defensive when Tom mentions his CC office job. Dom wants Tom to consider the fact that he didn't want that kind of life and is happy sweeping for a living. Tom says that he hopes Dom is happy -- he's not rooting against him. Dom predicts that the Scharpling clan will all be asking for his autograph when he's holding that bronze belt above his head. Tom understandably wants to know how Dom will go about getting this bronze belt. Dom says it will be his prize for winning the 2007 Whip-Off. He's a player in the Eastern Part of American Belt-Whipping League. Tom had no idea there was an official league for belt-whipping, but he does remember once seeing Dom swinging a belt around his living room when he came over to return a movie. Dom was show about it back then, so he quickly stopped swinging when he noticed that Tom spotted him. He's apparently well past the shyness because he starts practicing live over the air.

Dom asks Tom not to tell their dad that he's whipping for The Belt Brigade from Nobridge, the start-up community out near where the Newbridge River was before they filled it with colored marbles and paved it over. The EPoABWL's season is nearing the semifinals, culminating in the Whip-Off championship. Dom says the goal of the sport is to get as many whips to connect with your opponent's haunches as possible. The matches take place in a massive plexiglass container that Dom compares to a Charles Chips cannister (lid included). Dom says that dozens tens one set of nine people attend these Whip-Off events. Each whipper generally has one relative there for support. Dom says that some matches are over almost immediately if a player can't handle the first sting of the belt. He puts Tom into this category, estimating that his haunches would be blacked by whip marks in three minutes. Dom is made of stronger stuff, and he rubs his back nightly with sandpaper to further toughen his skin. Dom says the competitions are challenging because most of the players are black belts. Tom assumes this indicates the highest level of rank in the sport, but Dom was referring to the color of leather belts they use. He says there are some brown belts and a really weak team from Williamsburg that uses white belts. The same players also have a kickball team in Brooklyn. Dom doesn't play kickball, but The Belt Brigade will compete in a charity event this coming weekend to benefit "Tornado Todd" Hutchins's LifeChanges organization.

The special match will pit The Belt Brigade against the Newbridge Redfaces of the Northeastern Slap Fight League. Dom compares the mash-up of local sports to the time when André 2000 fought Muhammad Ali. Tom needs a second to digest this odd pairing and wants to review the sentence one word at a time. Tom stops Dom when he gets to "Andre 2000". He is forced to issue yet another correction. Tom informs Dom that he's thinking of Andre the Giant, the oversized wrestler/actor he somehow confused with Andre 3000 from Outkast. Dom thinks Andre 3000 might be a robot before remembering him from the Outkast hit "Boo Ya". Tom corrects him on the title and clarifies that his intended two-sport comparison was Andre the Giant's bout with Muhammad Ali. Dom wants Tom to guess who will get whipped at the charity event. Tom thinks the belt whippers will certainly connect, but the slappers may also land some good shots. Dom is a bit concerned that the slapfighters will attempt to take away their belts. Tom points out the likely strategy involving the belt whippers attacking from a safe distance whereas the slappers will try get in close to slap the whippers silly. The bottom line: Dom's worried. From what I've heard, Dom's fears are justified because Kevin, the Redfaces' morbidly-obese teen sensation, is having an MVS-level season.

Dom was listening to the show earlier and heard Tom mention the GEICO Cavemen sitcom. Dom says it's already his favorite show, and Tom's not surprised. Dom calls Tom "Dr. Snooty" and accuses him of making a house call. Tom thinks even Dom has to admit that the show looks stupid, but he thinks it looks great. While most people are sick of those stupid commercials, Dom says he wants to watch a half-hour of Cavemen antics every week. Dom wonders if this is the beginning of a trend of turning commercials into television series, and he has an idea for another one. Dom says he'd love to see that Oriental couple turned into a show. Tom prefers the term "Asian", but either way, he doesn't know what Dom's talking about. Dom explains that he desires a weekly series built around Mr. and Mrs. Lee from the classic Calgon commercial in which the detergent's water softener additive is dubbed an "ancient Chinese secret." Tom is not similarly excited by the prospects of adapting a 30-year-old advertisement, but Dom has already written the scripts for two 12-episode seasons of Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?. Dom has given the couple the last name of Chan, and Tom gets him to admit that it was the only Asian last name he knew. Tom thinks that if Dom is going to create a show about an Asian family, he should probably have a broader knowledge of their culture.

Dom says he'll do some punch-up, but he wants to reveal the concept: the Chans are professional hitpeople with hearts of gold. He completely ditched the laundromat format of the original. Dom says that every episode will end with the dying victim asking the Chans why they shot him, followed by the Chans repeating the show's title/catchphrase. Dom thinks this is classic stuff. Tom wants to know why the reason for the kill is an "ancient Chinese secret", and Dom says that's just the Chans' thing. Dom is hopeful that they are going to order more scripts. They "they" in question are the owners of the television network operating in Dom's mind. Tom begins to doubt whether Dom has actually written out the 24 episodes. Dom requests a definition for "written". Tom asks Dom if there's a piece of paper or a computer file that holds actual letters put into words put into paragraphs and dialogue telling the story for the first two seasons of Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?. Dom's answer is simple: no. The two seasons only exist in his head. Tom laments that things haven't changed, and Dom issues a cryptic "it's starting again."

Dom says that some guy gave him a lip balm that he just put on a few minutes ago. Tom knows it's "blue", so he tells Dom to wipe it off his lips. It's too late -- Dom says that his lips feel like boxing gloves and then he falls asleep. Tom's sad that his own brother is hooked on "blue". Like Philly Boy Roy last week, Dom somehow manages to redial and snore into the phone before quickly departing again.

- Tom starts a new topic: What is the piece of advice/warning you would give to yourself five years ago. Michelle calls from a car traveling in Harrison, NJ, to offer two pieces of advice to her past shelf. She's joined in the car by her giggly friend Kelly, who is serving as her personal studio audience of one. Michelle reports that Kelly has consumed a few drinks, so her laughter may be disproportionate to the comedic quality of the call. Michelle advises herself to go back 10 years and never pick up a cigarette. She's been trying to quit for two weeks, and she says it's the hardest thing she's ever tried to do. Tom thinks she should stop smoking, but I think she should just switch to lung-friendly cigars like Frederick Douglas. Michelle is troubled by how much she loves smoking because she knows it's bad for her. Tom wonders if she loves the great taste in her mouth, but Michelle says she's drawn to its association with looking cool. [Kelly's background cackles start becoming more intense.] Tom is concerned that Michelle's self-esteem has sunk to the point where she requires a gimmicky prop like she's Carrot Top. Tom recommends that she start trusting her own personality and mapping out her own sense of cool. He is certain that NOBODY thinks her smoking is cool because anybody can get cigarettes. Tom doesn't allow Michelle to reveal her second item, and he ends the call with some simple, forceful words of advice: STOP SMOKING.

- "Fred" calls to say he'd tell himself to stay off the dust. It was a bad idea. Fred begins a new riff that he promises to keep clean, but he signs off before he has the chance to hit Tom over the head with a thing of Ajax like a scene from a bad action movie.

- Kelly calls to offer some additional insight into Michelle's smoking habits. She says the only thing that has changed since Michelle began the effort to quit is her preferred brand. Kelly reveals that Michelle now smokes her cigarettes instead of buying her own. She doesn't appreciate Michelle's public fibbery, but Tom says that she's lying to herself more than anyone. Kelly starts babbling about the logistics of these cigarette handoffs, and Tom tells her to shut up. He's trying to pull out a W, not get caught up in an episode of My Super Sweet 16.

- John Benson calls to tell himself go back and have more fun in college. He's a sensitive dude, so he wishes he had more confidence during potential sexytime encounters. John Benson says he's doing his darndest to live his life to the fullest these days, but he does still chicken out on some stuff. Tom asks him to picture himself in 2017 telling his 2007 self to stick up for himself. John Benson thinks this may be the solution to all of his problems.

- John Junk H calls to return to 2002 to tell himself to keep his band together and not record that album with that guy who lost it on his 1980s computer. He wishes he kept playing guitar because in 2007 he's struggling to play the old songs. H says that the guy's elbow hit the delete button, erasing everything on his hard drive. The recording evaporated. H and Tom both think it's sad that the album is forever lost to time. Tom thinks Gore might have won the 2000 Presidential election if the album was heard by the American people. H says the lyrical content centered aroung global warming. Tom mentions that technology has finally caught up to the computer lab machines in 1986's Pretty In Pink. When Tom first saw the film, he didn't think the NASA computers could pull off the image transfers on display.

- Mike from Philadelphia calls to tell himself to be less nervous around the ladies and explore different people and places while in college. Tom thinks it sounds like solid advice.

- Rick from Philadelphia calls to say he's had a rough go of it with TV DVD sets, getting hooked on awful shows like the just-canceled Veronica Mars. He hates the program, but he's helplessly engrossed by the pretty girls and David Spade George Segal that bald guy from Just Shoot Me. A friend of his recently became obsessed with One Tree Hill. Rick from Philadelphia 2007 would tell Rick from Philadelphia 2002 to resist the pull of TV DVDs. Tom thought the solution might be to just avoid The CW, but Rick says he also purchased the Miami Vice season 1 set. He admits that it's pretty great viewing, but he's concerned that it's preventing him from doing other things with his time. Tom advises consuming everything in moderation.

Rick says his romp through the first season of Miami Vice led him to see the much-maligned film adaptation in the theater (presumably the Ritz 5 before PBR burned it down). Tom wants to get in a time machine to save Rick from this horrible fate. He tells Rick to draw the line by selling the DVDs at the Philadelphia Record Exchange or grilling them at Pat's Steaks. Rick is bracing for the three months he will inevitably lose to Lost. Tom thinks a spine would help his cause, and Rick says he'll consider purchasing one at the Reading Terminal Market. He would ideally prefer to read a book or exercise. Rick's addiction includes plowing through the second season of Entourage even though he knew it was terrible from the get-go. He says he can't not be sucked in. Tom tells him that he's not a slave to his DVDs like the Labyrinth guy. He wants Rick to grow up and refuse to do the bidding of Disc 3 from the second season of Veronica Mars.

- Martin from Edison, N.J., calls to wish he hadn't looked for so many answers and accepted the advice of others. He feels that a lot of people didn't have their s hit together, but they were quick to tell him what to do.

- Steve calls to tell the college version of himself not to waste his time by studying education. He completed a full year of student teaching, but then decided he didn't like it and gave it up. Steve says he would have preferred to study English or creative writing since that's what he ended up doing. He thought teaching would be a good career move, but he was wrong. It was not. Tom salutes the teachers of America for doing noble work educating the youth of America, BUT he wants them to stop writing letters to Entertainment Weekly about Jerry O'Connell's exorbitant salary being symptomatic of a sick, unfair world. Tom doesn't think the economy can handle the strain of paying every teacher $1.2 million/year. He appreciates what they do, but he hopes they realize that they will never reach the pay scale of a TV star. Tom points out that if teachers commanded that kind of money, Tom Hanks and many other showbiz people would enter the field. He recites some powerful words from Class of 1984 to indicate that for once the tables have been turned: the teacha-teachas are the ones who have to learn.

Tom gives some of the highlights of the great Class of 1984: Michael J. Fox falling off a flagpole while high, an extended battle throughout the school where high school teacher Andrew Norris (Perry King) kills an entire gang one by one (including a grisly, TLS-y offing in the metal shop), and a climactic battle with the villainous Peter Stegman (current The Sopranos director Timmy Van Patten) on the roof as the school band toots it up below. Help me, teacha, teacha. Teacha, help me! The teacha goes to help him, but Stegman pulls out a switchblade to stab him. This was a bad move because he was lunging at Norris while still on his precarious skylight perch. Norris kicks Stegman, and he gets the rope wrapped around his neck. He falls to his hanging in front of the orchestra. Tom doesn't understand how school orchestras sound so good in movies. He says the Newbridge High orchestra was worse than the Langley Schools Music Project. Tom thinks those talentless wonders should leave it to the professionals and just sit in the audience. Not everyone can do it.

Tom does a rapid-fire Tom On ... to pull out the victory:

* Big 3-Day Music Festivals: No comment because the caller Dustin thought the segment was called Dustin On ...

* Pennsylvania: Tom likes the hearty people of Philadelphia, but he'd like to see them release some of their anger.

* NBA Playoffs: Tom loved the early exit by the Mavs -- he related to the underdog Golden State Warriors. He predicts a Suns vs. Pistons Finals.

* Heroes: Tom watched four minutes of it, and he's never going back there again. He knows that people will talk in hushed, eerie tones while waiting for that one special effect.

* The Arcade Fire's Neon Bible: Tom's only heard the two songs they played on Saturday Night Live. The band is absent from his radar for some reason.

* Mike Patton: Tom thinks he's one of the least-talented people alive. SWISS MISS disagrees, but Tom informs her that her opinion does not matta!

* Clifford: Tom declares the Short/Grodin laffer the best movie of the second half of the 20th century.

* Real-life heroes: Tom says it's hard being one of them.

A Hesh's Delight? Did that little creep do a gnome dance around his apartment? No! W! 17-0 in 2007.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Thomas Paine calls to talk about his love of Grilled Stuft Burritos and perform a cover of Teenage Fanclub's "What You Do to Me", Owen reverts back to No Smokin' Joe to counsel Frederick Douglas on the dangers of cigars, and Dom calls back to talk about his new ABC sitcom pitch Consolidummies, starring Michael Rappaport, George Lopez, Rutger Hauer, Doug Benson ... and Judd Hirsch as Cyrus Dalrymple!

I'll leave you with my new fave drug freakout tune: "Song Sung BLUE". Wipe it off, Fonz!

One more thing:

"The problem is we keep trying to get back on the bus. Insteada just letting it go." -- Tony Soprano, offering some insight into the incorrigible Best Show haters

Posted by Omar at 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Life will not necessarily always be like this. Your life could suddenly blossom into something wonderful. It can happen. It happened to me.

Posted by Omar at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

Douglas from Murphysboro, Kentucky, gets some juicy spoilers for the final season of The Wire.

Posted by Omar at 4:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

I bet!

Also, I can't imagine what it's like to be sitting there seconds to air -- all tense with the knowledge that you might get to do a full half-minute of your stand-up act during WU! Under pressure! 11:29, baby!

Posted by x amount at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

[via Adrock [and gang]'s little blog thingy.]

Posted by x amount at 7:52 AM | Permalink | Comments

[via the sparkie that pops.]

Posted by Omar at 6:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Too many changes.

[via Pop Candy]

Posted by Omar at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

"You'll just have to watch me do it, and if the hate of watching me do my thing burns you up, that's your problem." -- Tom, doing it his way

"I didn't even know he was a singer. I thought he worked in advertising." -- Tom, discovering the real occupation of Hank Williams, Jr.

"Wow, I thought I was good at this -- you're great at this. -- Tom, commending Paycheque for correctly identifying FDR as being deceased in a game of Dead or Alive

"Talk about drop-off. Right? That's like eatin' a fancy dinner at McDonald's, then you eat a dinner at Burger King, right?" -- Tom on Spike following Paycheque's Supermeal

"Check out my Zune, it’s cool. iPods stink. Zunes rule!" -- Mike the Associate Producer, promoting his .mp3 player of choice

"Every time I hit the ground, I bounce up like roundball. You don't worry about me." -- Tom, quickly recovering from Howard Stern not showing any love to his trademarked GOMP

"That show's pure junk." -- Tom on "This American Life"

"That's embarrassing. I thought Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ran an eco-friendly program there." -- Tom on the band's anti-recycling merch man

"Like I really need to know what Chris Jericho thinks about, you know, 'Livin' On A Prayer' or something like that." -- Therese on her addiction to VH-1 countdowns

"You might as well be sittin' in an A&P in the bakery section." -- Tom, offering a cultural equivalent to Starbucks

"Just tryin' to move some units." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining his decision to call as Minions fan "Ray Schmidt"

"He was talkin' to a hoagie roll. Yeah, how to put this delicately, he ain't all there, you know what I mean? -- PBR on "Fire Fingers" Doug, the newest member of the Wawa Records street team

"They make or break bands, you know. People turn to them to tell 'em what's good and what ain't. And they've decreed that the Minions is good." -- Philly Boy Roy on getting a 9.3 from the tastemakers at Shovel.com

"I'm like the new Chive Davis!" -- Philly Boy Roy, declaring himself the successor to the J Records chief

"Do you know of any better way to make your presence known?" -- Philly Boy Roy, asking Tom to top parading around in a pitbull chariot

"Yeah, probably end up killin’ ya. Or Doug would." -- Philly Boy Roy on Tom's fate as his assistant at Wawa Records

"Maybe they're going around town in a van grabbin' people?" -- Philly Boy Roy, speculating about how the bodies end up in the musian

"He was talking about it like it was El Topo. It wasn't that weird." -- Tom on Chris "Mad Dog" Russo's About Schmidt review

"He looked like he could have been the brother of the guy who plays Turtle on Entourage if Turtle got all the good genes in the family. " -- Tom, describing the look of the ugly guy he overheard at the diner

"Listen, I don't like the way you're talking about TV shows! You show some respect!" -- Paul F. Tompkins, sticking up for Hollywood

"Bro. Bro, this is the elephant that back when we were in Queens, rememba?" -- Johnny Drama, trying to convince his brother to let him buy a new pet

"It's a very touching and bittersweet film. Right up there with anything from Lasse Hallström." -- PFT on the charms of John Carpenter's The Thing

"It just looked like a homemade car." -- PFT on Jay Leno's cartoonmobile

"Don't worry, white dudes. White dudes are still running everything." -- Tom, easing the fears of paranoid Free-FM listeners

"To be honest, I don't know if you've really had that many good shows this year." -- Hesh, falling into Tom's trap

[TBSOWFMU - 5/8/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Archers of Loaf - "Web In Front"

( Click here to buy Icky Mettle)

Seaweed - "Kid Candy"

( Click here to buy Four)

Versus - "Dumb Fun"

( Click here to buy Two Cents Plus Tax)

The Windbreakers - "You Never Gave Up"

( Click here to buy Time Machine 1982-2002)

Unrest - "Make Out Club"

( Click here to buy Perfect Teeth)

The Byrds - "Spanish Harlem Incident"

( Click here to buy Mr. Tambourine Man)

Even As We Speak - "Falling Down The Stairs"
Evan As We Speak - "Swimming Song"

( Click here to buy Feral Pop Frenzy)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer had an exciting pre-show dining experience. Mike's usually all about the diner, but tonight he pulled a switcheroo and grabbed some Fatburger grub. He rates his food an 8 on the 1 - 10 scale. Tom responds to the strong score by quoting hyperbolic New York Yankees broadcaster Suzyn Waldman: "Goodness gracious." He believes that Waldman embarrassed herself by saying that Roger Clemens's announcement of his return to the Yankees from George Steinbrenner's box last Sunday was the most exciting thing she’s ever seen. Tom thought that Waldman might reserve that distinction for some action that occurred on the field. Tom is not similarly riveted by contracts and the decisions to sign them. I'm generally not into that stuff either, but I was intrigued by a few of the finer points in Roger's unique deal.

1. If he strikes out more than 15 batters in any game, he will be given a piggy-back ride around the Bronx by a relay team of ex-Yankees greats like Mike Pagliarulo, Bill "Moose" Skowron, and Steve Balboni.

2. A funnel cake stand will be installed in the dugout for mid-game skiing.

3. If the Yankees win the World Series, Rudolph Giuliani will walk onto the field to announce that Clemens will be his running mate in the 2008 Presidential election. Suzyn Waldman will declare this to be the most exciting thing she's ever seen even though the Yankees won the World Series a few moments earlier. She will then stuff 14 funnel cakes into her mouth.

The only request the Yankees actually denied was a reward of a $5,000 gift certificate to the Denim-Clad Dad outlet if Clemens attacks Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek with a sawed-off bat. Yankees GM Brian Cashman said the amount was too much. He had to draw the line somewhere. Last week, Tom said "Draw The Line"; this week, he takes inspiration from Helen Reddy and says, "Leave Me Alone." I heard Tom made Mike wear a ruby red dress for the entire show. Hope that s hit finds its way to Flickr. Tom is trying to do his thing, and guess what? You can't and won't stop Tom from doing his thing. You watch him doing his thing, and if the things he's doing burn you up with hate, that's your problem, Jack. Tommy Tornado Tommy Tom is doing his thing. End of story.

Tom is very excited and very intimidated by the two flashing lines. He hasn't put a topic on the table, so someone thinks they are up to the challenge.

- Polite Supercaller Paycheque cuts (starts at 23:00) to the front of the line, taking advantage of the privileges that come with his elite status. He needs no topic. He doesn't have to assimilate into the flow of the show -- he can dictate the flow. Tom thinks that Paycheque is an expert tour guide for how to properly navigate a call to The Best Show. He has a list of talking points and stays on book with the smooth stylee of Bill Clinton. Paycheque says that he hopes to eventually charge a $200,000 appearance fee just like the former President. Paycheque is really testing the boundaries of Supercalldom by having the sheer audacity to talk about last week's The Best Things You've Overheard topic. If it was anybody else, Tom would have hung up as soon as he heard these intentions, but he gives Paycheque the go-ahead to dip back in time.

Paycheque overhead this gem 4-5 years ago, but it still resides in his frontal lobe. He was walking down the street in Toronto, and he noticed a store displaying dancing figurines of James Brown and Hank Williams, Jr. in its window. Tom assumes that the Hank doll does a gig to "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight", which was adapted into the theme song for ABC's Monday Night Football. Paycheque is a country music fan, but he struggles to come up with Hank Williams, Jr.'s biggest hit before suggesting "Family Tradition". Tom is of no help because he didn't even know that he was a singer. He thought Hank Williams, Jr. was an ad man who created a character much like Jim Varney's Ernest P. Worrell. My research indicates that the doll came equipped with "Family Tradition" and "Born to Boogie"!

A couple were also checking out the dolls, and the lady asked her male companion about the identity of Hank Williams, Sr.. The guy made some what-are-you-stupid spit-y noises and responded with confidence and arrogance in his voice: he was a baseball player. He thought Hank Williams, Sr's exploits on the diamond were common knowledge, but he was in fact being a big-time Alabamadummy. Paycheque began to wonder if Hank, Sr. played some college ball in the 1930s, but the Internet validated his initial instincts about the woeful error. Tom thinks the only thing that Hank, Sr. had in common with baseball players from the era was his love of the bottle. Paycheque suspects that even if he made an actual roster, his spina bifida would have kept him stuck to the pine. Tom doubts that the stick figure would have been much of an offensive threat, and Paycheque says that you'd have to merge three Hank Williamses together to construct one Babe Ruth. The old-timey name-droppings send Tom on a sad stroll through the past, lamenting all the greats who have left us. There's only one cure for the nostalgic fever, and that's a quick came of Dead or Alive. Paycheck kills it:

1. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1969 after a massive turret hit of Walter Reed crippler).

2. Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1964)

3. Mike Myers

Answer: ALIVE. Correct.

[Paycheque showboats a bit by throwing Tom T. Hall into the ALIVE bin.]

4. Oliver Hardy

Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1957)

5. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Answer: DEAD. Correct (d. 1945)

6. Tom Hanks

Answer: ALIVE. Correct.

The Toronto Trivia Titan completes the clean sweep. He can't be stumped. Tom's good at this game, but Paycheque's great at it. He got the show off to a rousing start, and Tom calls him a class act.

- The not-as-classy Spike calls (starts at 29:29), causing Tom to let out a loud groan. He compares the drop-off of Spike following a Supercaller to eating a fancy McDonald's dinner followed by subpar Burger King fare. Tom asks Spike if this is accurate, but Spike issues a lozenge-mouthed dissent: "Wrong." Spike says he was fascinated by Tom and Paycheque's conversation about "hillbilly music". He's not a big fan of the genre, preferring the likes of The Orioles and The Del-Vikings. Spike says it could have been worse. For example, they could have been discussing the rap person "Rodney Rhymes." Tom isn't familiar with this performer, and he says it sounds like a bad name for a television show featuring a rapper or a guest character from an episode of C.P.O. Sharkey 2000.

Tom wants Spike to school him about the artists who performed "Little Darlin'", and he happily dons his professor cap (he actually just shifted his Jason hockey mask to the top of his head). Spike says the tune was originally done by The Gladiolas, who morphed into Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs. It was later covered by The Diamonds, who scored a bigger hit with it. Spike prefers The Gladiolas version. He dismisses The Diamonds as poseurs and frauds. Cover record goons. Tom calls out to Mike to retrieve the track from the WFMU library, but then he remembers that he filled a giant garbage can with all the doo-woop and tossed it out. Spike wonders if Tom spared the Aerosmith, but Tom informs the weisenheimer that he brought that record from his personal collection. Spike’s not into heavy metal bands like Aerosmith -- he doesn't do longhairs who create unintelligible noise. Tom rejects the automatic connection between hair length and heavy metal music, citing James Taylor and Dash Crofts from Seals & Crofts as robustly-follicled non-metalers. Spike admits that Seals & Crofts were "not really" heavy metal. Kinda heavy, but not full-on heavy metal.

Spike drops his phone, and Tom is beginning to lose patience. The Kid's about to fall asleep, so he wants some excitement. Spike claims that he literally steamrolled Jenny from the Bedroom records as part of an anti-J-Lo rally in the Bronx. Tom isn't amused by this riff, and Spike admits that he’s not attempting to do comedy. Tom's sick of the phony walls that he and Spike have installed. He wants to tear them down and talk honestly. Tom asks Spike for his opinion on the Queen's upcoming visit to America. Spike wonders what the point is, and Tom tells him that she's coming here to show us how it's done. Spike did not see The Queen or Spider-Man 3. His last theatrical screening was Little Miss Sunshine. (You can read Spike's three-zipper-mask review here.) He's been renting some of his favorites like I Spit On My Your Grave. Spike says that he frequents a local video store ("Heeeelllloooo, video store owner ...") that is well-stocked in Chucky and decapitation films. Tom tells him to shut up. He’s sick of Spike. He brought nothing new to the unset table, which makes sense since he only owns a few utensils and a single plate. Tom borrows a phrase from Bishop Pablo Fontana to summarize Spike's boring call: "Jeepers Creepers." The era of Spike is ova! (Again.) Until he brings something new, the line has been drawn. Tom wants Spike to leave him alone.

Tom thinks it might be time for him to start punching people out. Fighting the haters. If you give Tom some lip, he's gonna knock you out. He has the sufficient rage to go through with it. The bus is full, and if you insist on hating Tom, then you're on the wrong team. He's a good guy. Maybe Tom will become the new Chuck Wepner. The Newbridge Bleeder!

- Tom discusses (starts at 40:27) his three-hour Myspace session this past Saturday. He was sitting at his computer sifting through his friend requests to weed out any perverts, Nazis, or horrible bands. The maintenance process has become an unpaid part-time job. Tom wonders if Myspace means anything when you start adding 30,000 strangers to your friends roster. He doesn't see the endgame (1 million friends?), and he predicts that it's a currency that is going to be worthless very soon. Tom also notes that the promotional aspect of Myspace is compromised by bulletin bumping. If you send a message, it's gone from the main page bulletin list in five seconds because people are flooding you with eight bulletins a day. Tom calls for a moratorium on band formation. He thinks there are enough extant bands to satiate the populace's desire for music. Tom's also had enough of friend requests for motion pictures.

Tom considers Myspace an example of the downside of the tech boom. The upside is the freedom from the system, but Tom thinks that you sometimes need people to tell you what you can and can’t do. He sees a lot of online content crafted by people who have no business making comedy clips or short films. Tom points out that if the filmmakers from the 1970s were starting out now, they'd all get lost in the shuffle of an overcrowded, amateur-heavy marketplace. People wouldn't get a chance to view George Lucas's student film Electronic Labyrinth THX 1138 4EB because they lost it amidst 68 other videos. As Tom worked on his account, tonight's first topic emerged: Why Am I Doing This Again?. Tom starts it off with his former devotion to The New Yorker. He used to feel a compulsion to read every article in every issue. He would fall behind in his quest for completism and build a foot-high stack of back-issues. He began to question why he was locking himself into such a towering project.

- Ted Leo calls (starts 46:42) to weigh in on Tom's Myspace assessment. Ted has also grappled with its pointlessness, but he's actually been getting some legit grief from it lately. He has a few actual friends on his list, but a lot of others who are just seemingly-friendly fans when they make the initial request. While on tour, Ted has been getting messages from fans who were disappointed that he didn't play anything from the Chisel catalog. He was a bit taken aback that people were using his Myspace page as a conduit for setlist critiques. Tom suggests putting the setlist up for a vote every night to please the people. If they want "Me and Mia" five times, then they'll get it. Ted doesn't want to do that. He knows what songs he wants to play.

Ted also has a Myspace ethical question for Tom. When he reviews a profile before adding someone, he will often peruse the long lists of music that people are into. From An Albatross to Zumpano, as they say. Ted wants some advice on how to deal with a potential friend whose massive list might contain Death From Above 1979, Spoon, and Stephen Malkmus, but omit Teddy. Tom says that on one hand, Ted doesn't want to come off like a raging egotist, but if their list of 600 bands lacks Teddy Rockstar, he should respond with a friendly, half-joking query about why he's not on the list, har har. Ted says that his solution may be to just remove himself from Myspace. Tom likes it. He might be done with Myspace as well. They had a good run. Mike is directing everyone back to Friendster, and Tom supports his effort since it's probably a barren wasteland over there. Tom thinks that a Friendster employee would probably ask him if he joined to mock the beleaguered social network.

- Charlie calls (starts at 52:23) from his friend’s car in Passaic to say that he feels the need to waste an hour of his day watching Maury DNA test results shows. He knows the drill: some woman jumping up and down about how she's 1,000,000% sure that the guy is her baby's daddy followed by the revelation that he's not. He laughs at it for the first 15 minutes and then gets totally wrapped up in the interpersonal drama. Tom dumps Charlie before he could launch into toilet mouth.

- Erika, the Pride of Baltimore, calls (starts at 53:55) with a promise to keep it clean this time. She recalls a time when her little brother would devour the daily comics. He was unable to avoid the terrible "The Family Circus", and the single panel would set him off on a 15-minute rant about how bad it was. Erika and her mother couldn't understand why he was doing this again and again and again, so they would yell at him to simply skip over the offending strip. He was not afflicted with OCD, so it wasn't like he was compelled to read every comic. He was just trapped in a circle of unfunny. Erika and her mother ended up taking a marker and blacking it out of the newspaper every day to put an end to his angry reviews.

Tom offers another Why Am I Doing This Again?: Kevin Smith movies. At the end of Clerks II, he sat in the theater and wondered if he really spent $9.50 to get the exact donkey show he expected. Erika reached a similar point of disbelief during the song-and-dance number. Erika does disappoint Tom by loving the original Clerks. She says she watches a lot of bad TV and movies, and Tom thinks that all those B-more crab cakes have gone to her head. Erika says that while everybody hails the cake, the Crab Imperial is an important local dish that deserves equal attention. Erika is out of touch with Barry Levinson, but she did meet John Waters last year. She says that the skinny filmmaker was a nice guy who autographed a picture for her, but his pencil-thin mustache creeped her out a bit. Tom points out that it's an all-or-nothing facial hair configuration. If you’re gonna have it, you gotta be ready for it. You have to really lock in and commit to pulling off the homage to Bud Abbott. Tom considers having the Internet vote on what kind of mustache he should grow. Erika suggests sending out a Myspace bulletin to which she'll reply with a vote for no mustache at all.

- Donya from Chicago calls (57:20) to discuss her pursuit of a dangerous and ridiculous art project. She works in a frame shop, and she decided it would be a good idea to collect the used razor blades to create a giant, messy masterpiece. Donya put some of the razor blades in her bag and later shoved her hand right into the sharp metal. The hand injury made her question why she was doing it, but she's still doing it. She didn't want to waste all these perfectly good razor blades that look pretty cool. Donya says that she now wraps the blades in paper to maker her bag searches more safe. The artistic endgame for the project is to use hot glue to affix the razor blades to paper in different designs and decorate them with glitter and sequins. Tom recommends that Donya take a break from collecting razor blades and shift into the art-making phase of the project. I'm pretty sure I remember Nick Moore making a similar piece in an episode of Family Ties. He also used an old carburetor he rescued from a junkyard and a bust of Richard Nixon he stole from Alex's room.

Donya also wants to inform Tom about a radio show host who jacked his stylee yesterday by using the trademarked Get Off My Phone™ phrase. Tom wants to know who did this, but Donya doesn't want to soil Tom's airwaves by naming the host. She reveals it anyway: Howard Stern. Tom will sue him for trademark infringement, and he's so bothered by it that he's on the verge of crying. Donya says that it bothered her as well, and she comes down on the Tommy side. Tom quotes Jay-Z's "Heart of the City (Ain't No Love)" to indicate that he will quickly bounce back from Howard's despicable act.

- Nathan from Richmond, Virginia, calls (starts at 1:00) to question his subscription to the "This American Life" podcast. He never listens to it, but he kept it on his computer thinking that he might fire it up in the background while he cleaned his room. Alas, it never really panned out. He liked the program and the idea of it in the podcast format, but he finally had to cut his ties. Tom thinks "This American Life" is a garbage snoozefest featuring eggheads trying to sound wittier than the next. In short: pure junk. Tom informs Nathan that the Showtime television adaptation is as bad as one could imagine. He didn't think the least dynamic radio show ever improved much with added value of seeing host Ira Glass sit at a desk in the middle of a field. Tom saw it, and he was done with it. He rejects the notion that you're stupid if you don't like "This American Life".

Nathan says he just got a text message from Teddy Rockstar. He did merch for Teddy on the recent tour, and he denies ever pocketing any $20s while his employer was playing on the other side of the club. Nathan says that he draws the line at free snacks and alcohol. He then unleashes a very controversial entry for the topic: recycling. He supports the idea of it, but he feels like the effort is counter-productive. Tom GOMP™s him because it's not 1976 anymore. He points out that the nation's recycling patterns are locked in, and it's not that hard to get with the program. Tom thought Ted Leo and the Pharmacists were an eco-friendly band, but their merch guy is throwing candy wrappers out the window. Embarrassing.

Halfway There: My second-favorite moment from the 1989 MTV Video Music Awards. (#1.)

- Therese calls (starts at 1:04) to ask why she continues to watch those VH-1 countdown shows. She doesn't think she really needs to hear Chris Jericho’s analysis of “Livin’ On A Prayer” on a Top 100 Greatest Songs of the 1980s program, but she gets hooked. Tom questioned his decision to watch one of VH-1's 40 Worst countdowns, and Therese says she is equally transfixed by those lists. She has to know the most metal moment of the 1980s and the most gruesome Hollywood murder. She can't not know once she commits to the countdown. Tom wants Therese to break the cycle, and he thinks she is very courageous to take the first step of owning up to her problem. He tells her to ween herself off countdown shows by running to her kitchen and dunking her head in sink full of ice-cold water like Huey Lewis in the “I Want A New Drug” video the next time one of them comes on. Tom praises Therese for delivering a pleasant, funny call that goofed around without straying off-topic.

- Owen calls (starts at 1:07) to question why he continues to see Woody Allen films in the theater. He also reminds listeners that this Saturday postal carriers will be collecting food as part of the nationwide stamp out hungrr initiative started by Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle to rehabilitate his bad image. Tom thinks that Owen's commitment to charitable causes makes him an alright guy. Not great, but definitely alright. He used to be Public Enemy #1 on the show, but he made a comeback.

- Nick calls (starts at 1:08) from Austin, Texas, the land of oversized film geek Harry Knowles. Tom wants to know how many times a day he sees Knowles riding around the streets in his Rascal scooter. Nick has not seen Knowles on the streets, but he did see him holding court at the Alamo Drafthouse. Tom does an impression of Knowles recounting a story in which he questioned Peter Jackson's decision to cast Jack Black in his King Kong remake. Nick says that Knowles always has a special seat at the edge of the theater. Tom adds reading Ain't It Cool News to his list of things he doesn't know why he does. He also wonders why he keeps talking about Griiiindhouse five weeks after its release. Tom correctly assumes that Nick likes it because he knows all the local eateries and hot spots that made it into the film. Nick confirms that all of the locals cheered throughout the film. Tom calls the participatory viewing experience a "football game for nerds." Nick points out that you see cities like New York on film all the time, so it was neat to see his town on the big screen. Tom agrees that would be a neat thing, but he also thinks he could have done a complete walking tour of Austin in real time faster than the three hours of cinema time.

Nick says that about a month ago, he got heavily into The Velvet Rope message boards. He would end up reading 20 pages of gossip about whether Michael Anthony would participate in a possible Van Halen reunion tour despite not even liking the band. As is often the case on the VR, the thread morphed into a discussion about Madonna. Nick doesn't like her, but he kept reading. Tom says that the board contains the biggest collection of never-weres and never-wills ever. Nick and Tom agree that Republican contrarian "DirkBelig" is the saddest of the sad lot that post on VR. My pick would be "majaplaya", who is currently touring "sub-casinos" with Dwight Twilley.

Nick is about to venture into the Austin night to get something called a "taco" at Los Del Fuegos. He says that Magnolia Cafe (owned by Sandy Bullock), which is not in Griiiindhouse, is his favorite local restaurant. Nick hopes it makes an appearance in Griiiindhouse 2. Tom wants to know if he's ever seen Robert Rodriguez walking around wearing the dumb cowboy hat he got at the same store that Don Imus frequents. Nick says that it's very rare to see a cowboy hat in Austin that isn't on RR's head. He imagines they are more prevalent in San Antonio. Nick picks Dallas as the worst city in the state because it's so sprawling and boring. He was glad to see the 67-win Mavs get bumped in the first round of the NBA playoffs, and Tom thought it was hilarious. He pins the defeat on hubris and GOMP™s Nick for daring to suggest it was the result of Nellie's strategy.

SA: Hi, my name is Winter ... [Hi, Winter] ... and I am powerless over mistos

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 1:14) to try to figure out why he continues to give his money to Starbucks. As a non-coffee drinker, WJ used to be appalled by the place, but now he's totally hooked on their iced chai tea. He hasn't reached the point where he can hang out there with his laptop and take advantage of their Wi-Fi. He buys his elixir and leaves. WJ says that he gets the feeling that Starbuckers mistakenly think they are hanging out in some hip Greenwich Village café instead of a multi-national corporate chain. Tom doesn't see much difference between hanging out at Starbucks and sitting in the bakery section of an A&P other than the supermarket's lower price points.

In addition to waiting in a line longer than line at the DMV, WJ is frustrated by the cup-size terminology that substitutes "tall" for "small" and "grande" for "medium". Tom calls for WJ to buck corporate constriction and just announce that he wants the biggest one. WJ says that when he's ordered a large, he was told that "venti" is the preferred nomenclature. Tom says he once ordered a iced coffee, and the guy informed him that he was really ordering a "café con leche", which appears to have been both rude and incorrect. Tom will call it what he wants if it costs $11. Tom declares Weirder Jon a class act. Supercaller-in-waiting??

- Kay in Pompton Plains calls (starts at 1:15) to ask Tom why she keeps eating so much pizza. Tom thinks it might be because it's so convenient and ubiquitous, but Kay says it's so delicious in her belly that she just can't stop eating it 24/7. Tom tells her to stop eating pizza, and then he tells her to shut up.

- Brad from New York calls (starts at 1:16) to get the URL for the live WFMU audio stream. Tom starts to give out the information, but It was all a ruse. Brad knew how to find the stream. He got Tom.

- A caller requests (starts at 1:17) something from the new Minions album. Tom says he's not familiar with the band, so the caller wants to know what kind of radio station it is. Tom says it's freeform, and the caller tells him that the Minions are a Dr. Dawg(ssss) spinoff band. Tom doesn't think WFMU has any Minions records. The caller identifies himself as Ray Schmidt, but Tom hears the Philly Boy Roy accent. PBR drops the disguised voice and admits that Tom caught him. He says he was trying to request a band he liked as part of his duties as a member of the Wawa Records street team. As the CEO of the label, PBR says he was just trying to move some units by getting airplay for the emphasis tracks (3, 5, or 7). Tom is impressed by PBR's industry-savvy lingo, and PBR says the street team is moving 4,000 Minions records a week -- good numbers for an indie label.

The street team consists of the entire Ziegler clan -- Rhoda, Roy, Jr., Rhoda, Jr., and little Royda -- and Doug, a guy PBR met outside of the Wawa the other day. At the time, Doug was talking to a hoagie roll. PBR delicately says that Doug ain't all there, but he can make 1,000 phone calls every half hour. The feat has earned him the nickname "Fire Fingers", and PBR pays him in KandyKake wrappers. PBR says Doug is so nuts that he doesn't want the actual food. He's also a little scared of him because he likes to brandish a screwdriver. The street team's call center is located in PBR's basement (Wawa Records headquarters), and PBR also conducts label business from behind the counter at Wawa. Tom reminds listeners about the recent promotional campaign that involved inserting promo CDs into hoagies. PBR says they've already been hit with a couple of lawsuits, but they can handle the legal fees because the Minions scored a 9.3 on Shovel.com this week. The hip, indie music website makes or breaks bands by telling their readers what's good and what ain't. PBR is pleased that they've decreed that the Minions is good. Tom congratulates him on Wawa's critical success with their first release. PBR thinks Shovel.com would know what's good because they possess some kind of superior taste. Tom says they know what they like and probably feel that know what they're talking about. PBR wants Tom to confirm that they are more qualified than the average Joe to review music. Tom says they review a lot of stuff and operate a website, and PBR is convinced they would not have a website unless they were appropriately qualified.

PBR has an update on the Hymzillian Brazyman record, another high-profile Wawa release. He tells Tom for the 90th time that it's Eric Bazillian, not Brazillian. Will Tom ever shed his Philadumbness? The Hymzillian Brazyman record is really taking off in Germany since nem Hooters were gods over there. The German public is thirsting for anything Hooters-related. PBR is thinking about offering Wawa recording deals to other Hooters members Dave Uosikkinen and John Lilley. Tom says it sounds like PBR is doing pretty good. PBR says he's doing really good, and he wants Tom to guess the amount of the bonus he received this week. Tom makes incorrect guesses of $500, $1000, and $2000. PBR says he got 52 Gs after taxes. He loves it and wishes he started a label sooner. Tom thought he was glad that PBR was doing well, but after hearing about his financial success, he feels a bit bad about it. PBR knew Tom would be jealous about him becoming the new Chive Davis. Tom is pretty sure that PBR was trying to reference Clive Davis. PBR says he was talking about the guy from J Records. Tom tells him that's Clive Davis, and PBR says they will have to agree to disagree about his first name. I prefer to think of PBR as the new Rick Reuben.

PBR plans to use his bonus cash to buy a whole herd of pitbulls. He thinks there are 14 pitbulls in a herd. The dogs will pull PBR all around Roxboro on a chariot being constructed by Roy, Jr. PBR asks Tom if he knows of any better way to make one’s presence known. The question was seemingly rhetorical, and Tom doesn't offer any superior options. PBR envisions all of the losers hanging out at the 7-11 wondering about the noise they are hearing just before realizing that it's Roy Ziegler atop a chariot being driven by pitbulls. He tells Tom to visualize it in his mind. Tom says he can see it, and it's pretty impressive. PBR is also impressed by the CD manufacturing process. Tom is aware that they were made at a plant, but PBR says he never really knew where they came from. He made his first trip to the pressin' plant the other day, and he thought it was crazy. Not only did they make the CDs one after another, but they also did this thing called "mastering". Tom’s heard of it, and he knows what it is. PBR says he knows what it is, but he wants to hear it from Tom. Tom wants PBR to tell him what it is, but PBR points out that he asked Tom first. Tom briefly describes the audio post-production process of making sure all of the levels are set on the recording. PBR asks Tom to slow down, and Tom accuses him of writing down the information. PBR says he was just having trouble hearing youse and asks Tom to start over. Tom refuses and wants to hear about mastering from the hotshot record executive. PBR repeats Tom's statement about setting the levels and mumbles something about sending that other thing through the amplifiers. Tom says that there are no amplifiers used in the mastering process. PBR wonders why and thinks there has to be some. He says the mastering is complete when the thing comes out and they make 'em all. Tom says he doesn't understand how PBR can run a label and not know the basics of CD mastering and pressing. PBR explains it by saying he's just making it happen.

PBR says the music business also has distributors, and he's not referring to the thing under the hood of your car. Tom knew he was talking about someone who helps get Wawa releases into different stores. PBR is impressed by Tom's knowledge and offers him a job as his assistant. Tom doesn’t think it would be a good fit. PBR agrees because he suspects that either he or Doug would end up killing Tom if they worked together. Tom says he may be more scared of Doug. Speaking of getting scared, PBR attended BODIES a couple of nights ago. Tom's not sure what that is, so PBR explains that it's a show at musians across the country featuring bodies that don’t have no skin on them. Tom is in fact familiar with this exhibit, but he's baffled by PBR using the term "musian". PBR says he was referring to a place that has pictures and stuff. Tom tells him that's called a museum. PBR says the only other time he's even been to one of those things was when he was running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art musiam in the early 1980s. He didn’t go in because he was running from a kid he just ripped off in a hash deal. PBR says he sold him some ground-up tire tread instead of legit hashish. PBR realized he made a big mistake because the kid was the nephew of notorious crime boss Angelo Bruno, perhaps the biggest mobster in Philadelphia history. He's says he's still recovering from the psychic scars of being jammed into an oversized Charles Chips can. The bottom line: no fun.

PBR says the skinless bodies (he thinks they're dead) allow you to see the corroded artery, the fibula, the larvae, and all the crazy musculature. Tom doesn’t bother to correct any of his pronunciation and anatomical errors. PBR says the family brought flashlights and snuck into the exhibit through the sewer pipes. They all had a great time eating hoagies for a couple of hours until they saw Fred. PBR says he's 98% sure that the skinless body positioned like it was kicking a soccer ball is Fred, one of his best customers at Wawa. PBR says his musculature is unmistakable. He used the term "musculature" because he's no idiote. Beyond that, Fred ain't been in the Wawa for a month, so PBR had a gut feeling that something was wrong. He also spotted what appeared to be a piece of banana pepper -- Fred's favorite hoagie add-on -- hanging under the musculature on the right side. PBR suggests that people are going around town in a van grabbing people. Tom doubts that the exhibit curators are picking people up off the street and skinning them. PBR backs up his theory by quoting his dad's classic saying: “Youse never know.” PBR says he imparts the same brand of wisdom to Roy, Jr.

Earlier tonight, PBR was checking out a band from up Tom’s way for possible Wawa signage. The band was Brooklyn's The Dude, the new project from the guitarist from the now-defunct ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat. PBR says one of the members is from Newbridge, and Tom remembers Bishop Pablo Fontana mentioning them last week. PBR thought they were decent, but he was very excited about a cool gift one of the dudes gave him. It was a little ChapStickish tube containing some kind of herbal tincture. Tom knows what it is. It's "blue". PBR says he's going to take his first sample right now. Tom begs him not to, but PBR is already smearing it on his lips. He says it's pretty nice and immediately falls asleep. The new Newbridge drug of choice has hit Philadelphia. A few moments later, PBR somehow manages to redial and snores into the phone before hanging up again.

- Mordecai from Passaic calls (starts at 1:35) to say he's got some really weird friends who call him at all hours of the day. Considering their telephonic track record, he doesn't know why he continues to pick up his phone. Mordecai wants to know what Tom thinks about that. Tom wants some details about the content of the calls. Mordecai says that his friend Rodney just called him about StreetWars, a three-week-long water gun assassination tournament. The assassin receives a dossier on the intended target and then takes to the streets to find and soak him. I bet Rick from Albany would be into this.

Tom guesses that Mordecai is a high school junior, but he's actually a senior. He says he will not play the game, but he was hoping Tom would be up for it. Tom has his own wars to wage on the streets of Newbridge, where Werner is the "Mustache Commander." He hears some background chatter that sounds like Mordecai is calling from some politician's War Room. Tom gets rid of him before his troupe's bad form gets any worse. Mind ya don't cutchaseff, Mordecai!

"Weird movie, dawg. This makes Santa Sangre look like Sideways."

- Jack, the Pride of Bloomfield, calls (starts at 1:38) about his inability to stop listening to Mike and the Mad Dog filling the WFAN morning slot vacated by Don Imus. He reports that the duo dial back the sports talk in favor of more of their sharp popular culture riffage. Imus's nerdy newsman Charles McCord apparently still hangs out at the studio. Tom says that Mike and the Mad Dog's movie discussions are the worst thing he's ever heard. Tom recalls Mad Dog talking about the "weird" About Schmidt like it was Alejandro Jodorowsky's phantasmagoric cult western El Topo. Tom doesn't consider the Alexander Payne picture to be particularly weird. Jack says that Mike and the Mad Dog are really struggling now that they have to fill 11 hours of radio each day. Tom thinks that Jack needs to take control of his situation by shutting off the radio and watching Robin & Company on CNN for his morning news and entertainment.

- Rodney tries to do a routine. It fails.

- Brian from Parsippany calls (starts at 1:40) about the mess he's made in his iTunes. In his free time, he visits the .mp3 blog aggregator The Hype Machine to sample bands he doesn't know or sorta likes. Brian says that he downloads every track he can find, listens to them for five seconds, and leaves them to rot in his iTunes library. Brian says his collection is so overrun with bands he doesn't like that he has to create playlists just to be able to listen to music he actually enjoys. Tom tells him that he has to stop because his limited time on Earth doesn't allow for such indiscriminate music consumption. Brian assures Tom that he will stop downloading and learn to remove the digital trash from iTunes.

- Jerry calls (starts at 1:42) from Halifax, Canada, the former home of Sloan before they bolted for the bright lights of Toronto about 10 years ago. Jerry says it doesn't make him mad because the band hasn't put out a good record since they left. He thinks a return to their Halifax ruts might improve the state of their music. Tom thinks Sloan's departure is a black eye on the face of Halifax, and he GOMP™s Jerry for saying “eeeee” to his praise for the last Sloan record, the excellent Never Hear the End of It. Tom thinks it's time for Jerry to realize that Halifax is small potatoes and let go of the grudge he has against Sloan for moving to the big city.

- A caller has some information about the rapper Rodney Rhymes, but Tom doesn't want to hear the beginning or the end of it.

- Tom reveals (starts at 2:02) another overheard gem from his recent visit to the Newbridge Diner, a hotbed of spicy chit-chat. He saw a group of five guys sitting around a table, and they started talking about ladies. One guy made his preference known: “I like fat chicks.” He clarified his statement, noting that he meant "thick" not "really fat". Tom got the sense that the speaker thought he was doing "fat chicks" a favor by bestowing his affection on them. He turned around and saw a disgusting guy who looked like he could have been the brother of the guy who plays Turtle on Entourage if Turtle got all the good genes in the family. This guy would have been constructed from the leftover genetic scraps of Jerry Ferrara, the best the family could produce. Tom also compares the guy to an ugly version of Robert John, the songsmith who topped the Billboards charts in 1979 with "Sad Eyes". Rough stuff.

Tom asks the Entourage brain trust to keep stretching out the story of Vince's inevitable return to Ari Gold into some kind of epic nothing. Only four episodes left! Tom also enjoys the show's use of animals this season, including last week's subplot involving Johnny Drama's purchase of a horse that he ended up giving to Ed Burns as a gift for helping him land some s hitty pilot. Tom predicts that an upcoming The Brady Bunch-inspired development will have Drama and Turtle putting tape across their room because they are not on speaking terms. In this scenario, Turtle will have to outsource his quips about Drama's age to E or Vince. Tom also wants to know if the gorillas are happy know that people are finally getting shot on The Sopranos. Tom reminds people that the show is not Grand Theft Auto. It's not even Pimp City.

- The f-f-f-famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins calls (starts at 2:06) from Hollywood, California, to demand that Tom show some respect to TV shows. Tom thought he heard the rumble of a potential hang-up, but PFT stays on the line to join the Entourage talk. Tom says that there are episodes of Who’s The Boss with more action, and PFT thinks they lifted some plotlines from the Danza laffer. PFT says that the equine-themed "Return of the King" is the worst episode yet -- and that's saying something. PFT can barely stand to say "Drama", and he thought the impromptu horse purchase was like something out of Small Wonder. PFT and Tom point out that a cash-and-carry purchase of a horse would not be allowed, and the notion that King was being rescued from an imminent trip to the "glue factory" (just two hours after a race) was equally nonsensical. Plus the fact that the seller apparently threw in a $14,000 trailer because they agreed to take the horse off his hands that day. PFT would have liked to have seen the fellas take it to another level by going to the circus and buying an elephant. Tom does an impression of Drama trying to convince his bro that the elephant is from Queens, and PFT plays Vince asking about where they are going to store their new pachyderm. Tom asks PFT to confirm that Drama paid $2,500 for the horse, but PFT can't remember the final sale price. Tom thinks he needs to pay closer attention to the show, and PFT says that he generally studies every nuance in the "Previously on ..." recaps before every new episode. Tom thinks they've been running the same recap all year because nothing actually happens in the episodes other than hanging out at the race track, dog park, and boat parties.

He can't believe how inconsequential the show is, but he defies PFT to tell him that he wasn't excited when he realized the horse was found in front of Norms. Nick in Austin has Griiiindhouse, and PFT from Hollywood has Entourage. PFT says he actually gets mad about recognizing all the local references. They make him wish that he lived somewhere else so he didn't have to know that someone on Entourage was making an inside joke about Canter’s Deli. Tom suspects that all of the driving scenes have been shot on the same quarter-mile stretch of Sunset for the past five years. Paul is impressed that Tom could pinpoint the location to around the Pink Dot grocery store near La Cienaga Boulevard. Tom says he walks Sunset from Beverly Hills all the way to Silver Lake every time he's in L.A. Tom says he can do it in two hours, and PFT suspects that Tom holds some kind of record. PFT thinks it's a couple thousand miles, but he's not good with spatial relations. Tom says he's not good with time, so the trek might have taken him longer than two hours. Tom hopes he and PFT don't find themselves lost in the woods anytime soon.

Tom is sticking with his prediction that The Russian will return to kill Tony in The Sopranos series finale. He called it right after "Pine Barrens" aired in May 2001. Tom wonders if there are any fansites dedicated to The Russian, and PFT says he would be depressed if The Russian started his own official fansite to sell autographed memorabilia. I'd totally buy a signed packet of Nathan's ketchup. Tom imagines seeing the cover art for the straight-to-DVD Campus Party 2 starring Steve-O and Vitali Baganov aka "The Russian from The Sopranos."

The Campus Party 2 co-stars remind PFT of the odd trio that frontlined the 2005 romcom Just Like Heaven. The film gave Oscar nominees Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon the chance to join forces with Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder. For a second, PFT thought they would just bill him as Napoleon Dynamite, indicating that his representation had given up trying to craft an separate identity for their client. ND for life. Tom envisions Columbia Pictures refusing to budge on a Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder credit. At that point, it's only a matter of time before the quotes drop out, followed by the Jon, and finally the Heder. Tom thinks he's a fun, talented actor with his best work ahead of him. PFT agrees that he has a lot to offer.

The conversation returns to the supposed return to violent form for The Sopranos, and Tom mentions that only about five people got shot in any given season. PFT has to consult his Entertainment Weekly whack-count scorecard to confirm the figure. He doesn't understand how the death-hounds can even enjoy the show at all if that's what gets them riled up, much like people who try to argue that Scarface is actually a film worth watching. Tom says the best thing about Scarface is the thick keyboard score by Giorgio Moroder that went out of date in the middle of the recording sessions.

PFT points out that John Carpenter now stands alone in the keyboard-based film scoring world. Tom says it was always quite apparent that JC did his own music because it was terrible. PFT thinks that if JC is going to save money by doing his own compositons, he should at least ditch the full-on DIY approach and hire some professional musicians to play it. Paul conjures the image of JC banging on his keyboard while wearing a baseball cap, and Tom can picture that session appearing in the Ghosts of Mars making-of featurette. PFT says that was the film that made him question why he was still going to see John Carpenter movies. He enjoys the charm of the earlier films of JC and George A. Romero, but the directors have shed those qualities in their later work. Tom says he wasn't charmed by the mutating pile of dogs in The Thing, so he can't even say if it's good or bad because he'll never see it again. PFT could relate to The Thing's frustration, so, for him, it's a very touching and bittersweet film that ranks alongside anything from the Lasse Hallström oeuvre. He thought the poor Thing just wanted to make friends, but the Antarctic research crew (i.e., Us) went totally nuts when confronted with something different. Tom agrees that it is kind of like racism if the people who were being discriminated against had to kill you to exist. PFT says that if those are the stakes, it's kinda hard to blame people for being racist.

PFT sends shudders through the *** community with a Best Show scoop: his first-ever comedy compact disc, Impersonal, will drop on June 12th. A purchasable PFT presence will finally be available for home-, gym-, and car-based enjoyment. PFT recommends listening to it in the dark so you can really focus on the material. I assume that PFT is signed to Wawa Records. Paul says he looks forward to everyone being able to hear it and tell him it's not that good. Tom says he'll know if people on *** don't like if there is a four-day silence after the intense buildup to its release date. PFT has a message for Ted Leo: stay off television. He saw Ted acting up in a comedy sketch on Human Giant, and he didn't appreciate the crossover. PFT says he's not making music albums, so Ted shouldn't be invading his turf. Tom thinks it sounds like a feud, but PFT says it's more of a plea for Ted not to compete for his gigs.

Tom says there is definitely a regional feud between New Jersey's Ted Leo and PFT, who hails from the fine city of Philadelphia. Tom has some problems with the high levels of anger permeating Philadelphia, but PFT says it's angry in a really fun way. Tom recalls attending a 76ers game back during Shawn Bradley's second year with the team. The 76ers drafted Bradley with the second pick, and many people thought he would be the next great center. Tom knew the 7' 6" 180-lb stick would get blown into the crowd when people ran by him. Tom says that the fans booed when Bradley received a pass, and they booed more loudly when he missed his first shot. A father and son were ejected for throwing batteries onto the court. However, the fans rallied behind their hometown hero when he got into a shoving match with an opposing player. They were only there for him when someone else was picking on him. PFT thinks this is a reasonable position because he has been known to defend his brother from outside criticism even though he can't stand him.

The actor Ted Leo calls (starts at 2:24) to say he's not after PFT's roles, but he has to deal with thespians like Hilary Duff, Kevin Bacon, and Russell Crowe making records. He thinks he should be allowed to do 10 seconds on a comedy sketch since there's a much longer tradition of things going in the other direction. PFT understands Ted's point, especially since he just saw David Bowie's turn as Nikola Tesla in The Prestige. He thought it was bush-league for the producers not to give Bowie one contact lens to even out his eyes since he was playing a historical figure. Tom mentions that Bobby's Labyrinth rants last week almost caused him to pull the trigger on the $4.99 DVD at Best Buy. He then realized that he had already seen the terrible film. Tom decided he didn't need to own the film just because it fits into some kook's man-mankind worldview. PFT says he may join Bobby in claiming that he was one of the goblins in Labyrinth. He doesn't think anyone will ever call him on it, much like Alan Conway, who managed to get away with pretending to be Stanley Kubrick for years. Tom mentions that guy who perpetrated the Peter Criss hoax.

Ted has to bow out due to a bad cell phone, and Tom thinks this could be the beginning of the disconnect between comedy and rock. Ted and PFT say they don't want to be part of that fraying, but Tom informs them that the butterfly has flapped its wings to the other side of the world. It's out there. They can't control the tsunami of discord they created tonight. Shortly after this call, Patton Oswalt got dropped by Sub Pop, and Matador ditched their new comedy troupe Lavender Diamond.

Two tourists check out Jay Leno's cool vintage cah on the Burbank lot

Tom proposes an official PFT segment on The Best Show a la Jay Leno's "What's My Beef?", the origins of the Leno-Lettermen hatred. Leno got his revenge by accruing two airplane hangars full of cahs. PFT saw one of Leno's turn-of-the-century cartoonmobiles parked on the Burbank lot, and he couldn't imagine ever wanting to be in what appeared to be a prototype of a Model-J homemade car. He thinks he spotted an animated bubble dome as well. Tom points out that Leno has to actually leave his house in his puschart and travel down the 101. This gives fellow commuters the opportunity to get stuck behind The Tonight Show host as he goes 14 mph in his 104-year-old car. PFT and Tom can't figure out how he's avoided being injured or murdered by irate drivers who are just trying to get to their jobs on time. PFT notes that Leno has to periodically get out and crank the car to get it moving again. Tom says that he would worry about driving such an accessible vehicle because there would be nothing to stop people from jumping in and punching you for tying up traffic for four hours. PFT mentions the addtional perils of someone tossing thumbtacks on the road to puncture the high, narrow tire.

Tom thinks you could spot Leno coming down the road from your seat at Taco Bell, finish your food, run to catch up with his car, and jump in it. PFT says that even if Leno pushed you out, you wouldn't get that hurt because he's only going 2 mph. Tom thinks Leno's driving is bad form, and PFT thinks he just craves the attention. PFT says he can't imagine it's very pleasurable to violently bounce up and down on a folding chair from Malibu all the way to the Burbank studios. He assumed that the appeal of cars was either speed or luxury. Tom imagines the trip looks like a scene from The Magnificent Ambersons.

PFT wants to know who the people were that thought the automobile would never replace the horse and cart as the primary mode of transportation. Tom says that the only rollback of technology is the Segway. PFT says the Segway would have worked if it came out right after the invention of the bicycle, but now there are many superior ways to get around. Like walking. Tom says that if you're someone who rides a Segway, it would definitely get stoled when you parked it for 15 minutes while you shopped at the Hallmark store for Mother's Day gifts. Tom's not sure if the Segway can be chained to a bike rack, and PFT doesn't think it would even be worth taking. Tom says that some guy in a pick-up truck would swipe it while the owner was debating his mug purchase for hours. Tom always wondered why motorcycles are not stolen all the time. PFT says people are afraid to get caught by a member of the Satan's Helpers gang from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure or similarly imposing cinematic motorcycle dudes like Tiny Lister. I'd be afraid to run into Randall "Tex" Cobb.

PFT says he's out after this season of Entourage, but Tom doesn't believe him. PFT tries to convince him by saying that he was able to check out of House after 1.5 seasons, Rome after five episodes, and Carnivàle with two episodes remaining in the season. He had no expectation that they would wrap up even one of the lingering story threads. PFT says he knows there won't be any satisfying payoffs in Entourage, and he's no longer having fun not liking it. PFT says he does plan to watch the remaining episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip when NBC burns them off starting on May 24th. He expects that Sorkin will go out in a blaze of glory assuming he wrote the last episodes knowing the show would be cancelled. PFT imagines that his thinly-veiled attacks on NBC and the dumb American public will intensify. Tom is also excited about the show's return.

PFT will be testing out some material at CDR tonight in advance of some future stand-up dates, which are listed on his Myspace page. Tom points out that PFT is the only adult still using the site. PFT says it makes him feel like a creep, and he would drop it if he wasn't in the entertainment business. He approves all requests and responds to message once a month. PFT says he got a message from a guy who gave him "some honest feedback" on his last Comedy Central special. He thought PFT needed to know that it was empirically bad and unmemorable. PFT immediately contacted Comedy Central to have them stop airing the special and burn the master copy. Tom tells PFT to tune out the haters. There's no more room on the PFT bus. It's full, and it's taking the high road. I think the PFT bus should drag race Leno's toy car all the way down Sunset. Winner gets a horse.

- Tom reviews the show from an impartial view, and he thinks he'll have to work hard to lose it. Mike informs Tom that there were some drunk haters calling throughout the show. Speaking of Ls, Tom was listening to Free FM's "The Dog House with JV & Elvis" when they were airing the controversial Asian bit that eventually got them canned. Tom then heard "Cabbie" warning people that their firing was a precursor to the invasion of the thought police. Tom senses that many Free FM listeners are afraid that white dudes aren't running everything. He assures them that they are still running everything. Tom hates white dudes.

- Filmmaker Pat Byrne calls with an update on The Long Walk to New York. He says the new start date for the 30+-mile walk from Montclair across the GW bridge is at the end of the month. Pat says the original cast is back, and I hope that includes "Sweet Tooth". He says they might do the walk on a Tuesday so they can cap it off with a call to The Best Show. Mike wants to join the walk, but Tom can't spare him for the evening. Pat also reports that Ted Leo and the Pharmacists brought the house down on Saturday night at Webster Hall. Tom missed it, but he wouldn't expect any less from Teddy Rockstar.

- Hesh calls to dispute the impending W. He has been listening to a lot of really great shows in the archives, and he doesn't think tonight's show ranks up with those. Hesh thinks that maybe Tom has a different standard of victory than he does. He thought the show dragged on with a lot of unfunny callers. Tom GOMP™s Hesh for fitting that description with the addition of a bad phone. He bans Hesh from listening to the archives.

- Tristan calls to say that Hesh doesn't know what he's talking about. Tom thinks Hesh may be right. Tristan points out that every baseball game doesn't have to be a no-hitter, and tonight's show is still an easy W. He has an overheard comment that he was unable to call with last week. Tristan says he was walking behind a high school sophomore who was yelling his warped logic about his unfair pot bust into his cell phone. His position was that it wasn't his pot, and he didn't roll the joint. Tristan couldn't believe he was talking about his drug addiction while walking down the street.

Tom thinks the show is an L. Hesh was right, and Tom may hire him as a QA guy. Tom says he can't be the player and the referee, so he's not even sure if he's won at all this year. Tom urges Hesh to call back. Erika double dips to say that Hesh is wrong. She argues that the dynamic duo of PBR and PFT guarantee a W. Showbiz Sean also votes W, noting Ted Leo's contributions to the program. Tom is not convinced. Hesh returns to say he didn't intend to insult Tom, and he suspects Tom is still a bit sick from his kidney stone problems. Tom says he's not 100%, but he's doing pretty well. Hesh isn't sure Tom's had many good shows this year, and Tom appreciates him hitting the constructive criticism so hard. Hesh thought 2006 was a killer year, but 2007 lacks that spark. He also misses Petey. Tom asks Hesh if he'd be willing break the show down every week and issue a ruling at the end. Hesh says he'll give it a try, but Tom GOMP™s him. He'll never let that creep do that. Tom can't wait to fire up the archive of this show and listen to that stooge take the bait and get rope-a-doped.

W! 16-0 in 2007.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pope Benedict XVI's publicist calls to say the Pope will not even consider a Newbridge visit unless it cleans up its "impure dens of pleasure", "Ron Mexico" checks in to discuss the chariot-ready pitbulls he sold to Philly Boy Roy, MC Steinberg returns to assess the authenticity of Sunday night's payotay-soaked episode of The Sopranos, and the exciting conclusion to the Aerosmith cliffhanger. Heave-ho three in a row?

I predict that Tom will indeed complete the cycle by venturing deeper into Aerosmith's catalog and plucking a gem from the hott blues album Honkin' on Kick The Bobo.

Posted by Omar at 9:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

They are weak, and you must crush them!

Posted by Omar at 5:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 5:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

You need to pick up the pace with your peanut butter consumption, Grandpa.

Posted by x amount at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments

"No more malarkey. My life is now a malarkey-free zone. You hear that? You bring headaches, you're gone. Out!" -- Tom, drawing inspiration from a band that was just trying to keep the train a rolling

"You don't have any stores near you? You know that stuff is available at stores." -- Tom, trying to figure out why Eli is a farmer

"It's like video games for old people." -- Tom on the Sunday edition of The New York Times

"His hair was shaped like a corn muffin." -- Tom on Edward Furlong's enticing haircuts circa 1991

"The Mystery of Mulligan. Who is he? Who is this mystery man?" -- Tom on a caller cloaking himself in a fake name

"I wake up every day, my man, and I say, 'I wish I didn't know the world was gonna end soon.'" -- Dom on the looming apocalypse

"Did you try Tums?" -- Bishop Pablo Fontana, asking Tom if he tried these tummy tablets

"The ruffled shirt is fine, but the breaches? No thank you." -- Pablo Fontana, rejecting the tight-fitting colonial clothing

"Do not worry, Thomas, the bullets only cause pain, they don't end lives." -- Pablo Fontana on the special Kern ammo Officer Harrups will fire at criminals

"I can't wait to see the Pontiff get in the nonagon and show off his stuff." -- Pablo Fontana, anticipating Pope Benedict XVI's first slapfight

"I did not go on a flagrant pant rummage on national TV, did I?" -- Pablo Fontana, distancing himself from young Reggie Monroe

"Oh, we can work it out, as they said. Those Beatles." -- Pablo Fontana on dealing with his forbidden marriage

"He's now cracking it open. Finally, he's gonna let that movie breathe." -- Tom, looking forward to even more Death Proof

"I gotta say Jim Henson was probably one of the best creative creators in the history of man-mankind ." -- Bobby on his Labyrinth-creating hero

"He's not sensitive enough, though. He doesn't look longingly enough at the camera." -- Tom on the shortcomings of Zach Braff

"I actually wanted to continue that conversation. Why did I do that? I actually was enjoying that conversation." -- Tom on his unwarranted GOMP of Showbiz Sean

"Alright, you just finished that huge bowl of pasta -- quick, eatthiscottoncandy!" -- Tom on HBO's Sunday night meal

There's good stuff on TV. Join us! -- Tom, urging a caller to watch the real tube instead of YouTube

"Hey, Tommy, I had a dog named Soprano at one point." -- Blue Willie on his fictional pet

"Going after the slobs. I've had it. It's gonna be a Slob Revolution." -- Tom, seeking revenge on the lidblowers

[TBSOWFMU - 5/1/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Maria McKee - "One Eye on the Sky (One on the Grave)"

( Click here to buy Late December)

Rocket From The Crypt - "When In Rome"

( Click here to buy RFTC)

Brutal Knights - "So Weak"

( Click here to buy Feast of Shame)

Celibate Rifles - "Jesus On T.V."

( Click here to buy Roman Beach Party)

The Adverts - "We Who Wait"

( Click here to buy Crossing the Red Sea with The Adverts)

New Bomb Turks - "Tail Crush"

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This Poison - "Paused Over The Pause Button"

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The Prats - "Disco Pope"

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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Forgive me if this recap is a tad woozy. I'm just now recovering from a severe allergic reaction I had last Thursday night to those darn "Laugh 'N Sniff" My Name Is Earl cards. It was worth it, though. The show was somehow even funnier with the accompanying odors. My favorites were "Ethan Suplee Underarm", "Crusty 'Stache", and "MEAT".

If you were hoping for the resurrection of open-phone Tuesdays, you were out of luck. As Seth Galifianakis might say, the biscuits have risen, but open-phone Tuesday remains dead and buried. They have gone the way of OCDJ. Tom declares the current Tuesday night behemoth of The Best Show + Evan "Funk" Davies to be the best six hours of power in radio history. Evan beats OCDJ. Tom says he loves OCDJ, but he's become a footnote. He's ancient history like the ice truck and the dude who delivers milk. OCDJ had his moment in the sun, but he got crushed by The Best Show tank. It crushes everyone, and someday even Evan "Funk" Davies will get crushed and chewed up under the wheels of The Best Show like every other back half of the six hours of power lineup. Tom catches himself in a moment of hubris and considers the alternative: getting crushed under the wheels of Evan "Funk" Davies (he drives a souped-up Fiero). Tom thinks he may be headed for a Titanic fall. Who knows. We’ll find out, though.

One thing Tom's knows for sure is that he's done. That's it. There's no point ruminatin' any longer. He’s drawing the line just like the rock band A-ro-smith, although he suspects they were actually drawing a line of cocaine rather than a symbolic existential threshold to ward off mutants, haters, and assorted riff-raff. Tom’s circling the wagons. Clowntime has elapsed. The malarkey has been hauled off like the remains of the original Captain's Donuts store. Tommy Tornado only has one lifetime, so he doesn’t have any time to jump through hoops. He reminds listeners that there are only two Supercallers -- one foreign and one domestic. Paycheck in Toronto and Dave from Knoxville. Everyone else who calls pre-topic is announcing to the world that they are a very brave person. The line is flashing, and, as always, Tom is intrigued to see who dares to bring it before he's issued any guidance or parameters for the conversation.

- Farmer Eli from calls (starts at 23:13) after an extended absence to tell Tom that he pitched a perfect game last week. I hope Tom bounded into the arms of Mike the Associate Producer at the show's end a la the famous Larsen/Berra embrace. Eli believes last week's show was worthy of broadcast on on the YES Network as a Yankees classic. Tom wonders if YES runs any Yankees classics in which the Bronx Bombers don't actually win. Eli likes it when he stumbles on a game, gets excited by the action, and then realizes it's just a Yankees classic from nine years ago. Tom would have immediately flagged it a rerun after he saw Don Mattingly entering the batter's box to the strains of Seven* Mary Three's "Cumbersome" being played over the stadium PA. This reminded me of that minor controversy back in 1981 when Yankees catcher Rick "The Italian Stallion" Cerone used The Au Pairs’ “Armagh” as his intro tune on opening day. It caused a near-riot in the stands, so he switched to Gang of Four’s “To Hell With Poverty” for the rest of the season.

Tom thinks Eli is a farmer with a kind soul, and he wants to know what he's growing on his land. Eli says he's got free-range chickens and eggs, as well as a seasonal crop of organic vegetables, including cabbage, carrots, certain potatoes, and spring greens. Tom wonders if Eli is living off the land because there are no grocery stores near him. Eli says the presence of stores are actually the problem. If the consumer could not get chicken, eggs, and vegetables at stores, he'd be making more money. Tom keeps it on the diamond by quoting Hall of Famer Carl Yastrzemski: "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all have a helluva Christmas." Eli calls Carl Yastrzemski “The Big Y” instead of the traditional “Yaz”. Tom GOMPs and GOMFs (Get Off My Farm) him for making up a nickname. Tom wonders if Eli grabs a shotgun and yells GOMF at trespassers on his property. I bet Eli uses a Harrups-issued musket to keep things old-school. Tom considers assembling his dirt bike buddies to invade Eli's farm and tear it up by doing donuts. He thinks it might also be cool to drive a dirt bike around Jersey City, but then he realizes that it wouldn't actually be cool at all. Tom says that he'd deserve anything he'd get if he paraded around JC on a dirt bike.

- Tom introduces (starts at 27:14) the night's first topic by noting his status as a very contemporary man. In order to be as topical as Mort Sahl, he reads 11 newspapers every day before he gets out of bed. Tom doesn't really do that, and he's believes these pompous claims are lies unless people are starting their workday at 5 p.m. Tom initially says that all newspapers stink, but then he applies the stink tag to just The New York Times. Tom doesn’t read the overstuffed Sunday Times because he wants to enjoy his Sunday frolicking around outside instead of pouring over the Book Review section. He's not interested in doing $14 homework until 7:30 p.m. The bottom line: The New York Times is video games for olds. Tom's more of a USA Today man because he likes to know one thing about every state -- a bill passing through the Arizona legislature or some shenanigans in Wyoming. The entire country summed up in half a page. Even though he rejects the Gray Lady, Tom is very knowledgeable because he reads over 11 websites every day. While on his Intronet circuit, he's been reading about the actor Alex Baldwin, who apparently called his daughter and left her a harsh voicemail that some people are pretty upset about.

Tom considers himself a pretty big Alex Baldwin fan, so he's avoided listening to the audio file of the call in question. He doesn't want to be aware of Alex's darker side -- he just wants him to be the funny guy on 30 Rock. This desire for blissful ignorance leads to tonight’s first topic: I Wish I Didn’t Know That. As Joaquin Phoenix said to Nicolas Cage in the excellent thriller 8mm, there are certain things in this world that you're gonna see. You can't unsee them. Tom wants to hear about all the little tidbits you wish you could delete from your brain. The response to this hott topic is so great that the phone board gets short-circuited.

- Haul from Brooklyn calls (starts at 31:37) to start off the topic with a fake voice. He wishes he didn't know that the Virginia Tech massacre dude went off because he got a 96 on his math test. Tom wishes he didn't know Haul from Brooklyn. Tom gets the sense that this topic will be a slow burn. He fears it will head into the territory inhabited by the legendarily bad Turk 182 It, but he thinks I Wish I Didn't Know That has more universal appeal. It's closer to a topic in which callers weigh in on their favorite type of cookie. Everyone has something to say about it. Turk 182 It was a bit too arthouse.

- Nate in Park Slope, Brooklyn, calls (starts at 34:46) to restart the topic with a real voice. He wishes that he didn't know that the world was NOT black and white before 1950. As a child, a steady diet of Tarzan movies and Abbot and Costello made he think that the world was devoid of color. He thought someone invented color and turned the world into something amazing. He found out the truth when he was seven* or eight. Tom asks Nate who's worse: Abbot and Costello or Laurel and Hardy. Nate says Laurel and Hardy. Tom says it's a two-way tie for last. Mike says Abbot and Costello. Feud!

- Patrick calls (starts at 36:16) from either Marlboro or Aberdeen to say he wishes that he'd never seen some of the more extreme/gory pictures of suicide aftermaths and such on the Internet. Tom avoids all that stuff. He never watched the amateur-hour Saddam Hussein execution because it's not something he needs to see. Patrick thinks Tom is taking an honorable position, and he wishes he could say the same. He sees this stuff, and then he hates himself for not being able to resists its prurient pull. Tom says you gotta draw the line just like Aerosmith says. He thinks tonight's show could serve as a tutorial on how to start drawing the lines in our lives.

- Forrest in Manhattan calls (starts at 37:35) to lament the existence of Forrest Gump. He estimates that people have told him to run thousands of times. Even though the film is 13 years old, he still hears the directive almost daily. Tom hopes it doesn't happen during this call. Forrest wishes that he didn't see movie stars he likes unveil their foreign accents on late-night television appearances. For example, he was a fan of Hugh Jackman, but then he heard his Australian accent. Forrest is a patriot, so it eats him up to support foreign performers. He supports American products whether it's actors, actresses, automobiles, or sandwiches.

- Christopher in Rhode Island calls (starts at 39:18) with a greeting so formal that Tom thought it was either Spike or Dracula. I'm not sure there's that much of a difference. Dracula: Spike with fangs. Anyway, Christopher wishes he was not privy to the grisly details of Marv Albert’s bedroom game plan. Tom don't want to know it neither. Christopher thinks that this knowledge needs to be Turk 182'd, but Tom begs him not to associate this topic with that crash-and-burn disaster. Christopher predicts that Turk 182 It will gradually build an underground, cult following to become the Slanted & Enchanted of Best Show topics. Tom launches into his trademark "I don't like it ... " ruse, but Christopher steals the thunder before he delivers the punch. Tom thinks it's shameful, and he compares the transgression to some other student ooh-ooh-ing his way into an Arnold Horshack quip right as he was excitedly raising his hand. Christopher apologizes, and Tom lets him off the hook because he's a good guy in his book. I look forward to the "Luxe & Reduxe" Turk 182 It re-issue in 2016.

- Julia, half of the band that delivered the scorching opening theme song, calls (starts at 41:27) from Toronto in full spring bloom. She's not sad that the Raptors are gonna get crushed by the Nets tonight as New Jersey asserts its dominance over the world one more time. Since the Nets are teaching Toronto how it's done Jersey-style, Tom wonders about a Toronto-based The Sopranos. Julia thinks it would probably be a boring program. Tom proposes a plot line where a shipment of poutine is compromised when the cheese curds fall off the back of a truck. Tom would watch it because he's fascinated with Toronto television like his beloved Hart of the Annex. Julia frequently walks through The Annex, but she's never seen the show. She's loyal to King of Kensington, which is a kinder, gentler All in the Family. It's not as cutting-edge as the Norman Lear skein.

Julia was 13 when Terminator 2: Judgment Day came out, and she developed a massive tween crush on young Edward Furlong. She was fond of his asymmetrical haircuts, which Tom describes as looking like the shape of a poorly-baked corn muffin from the sketchy coffee shop run by weird hippies. Julia was recently informed by Paycheck that Furlong's Myspace page contains some of his musical stylings, including a cover of The Doors' “People Are Strange”. After hearing the track, the 13-year-old Julia totally broke up with him. Tom wonders if the arrangement is overly rockin', but Julia says it's actually plagued by bad karaoke talk-singing. Tom compares Furlong's approach to the vocal stylings of Rex Harrison or Joe Namath, and he's shocked that Julia doesn't get the references. She's got character and spine, so she doesn't pretend to be amused by something she doesn't get.

A bit later in the show, Tom played a sample of Furlong's "People Are Strange" cover. He didn't care for it. He suspects that Furlong was laying down his vocals at gunpoint.

- Dom calls (starts at 46:04) from the boonies of Milford, Pennsylvania. He can hear the crickets chirping, and he'll have to make do with that because Tom dumps him. He didn't like the feel of the call and thought Dom was about to try to sell him some Amway products. Tom doesn't want any preamble that sets the mood with details about the local sounds and smells before getting to the topic. He doesn't have time to hear people divulge their life stories. Tom begs Dom to call back because nobody else is calling.

- A caller announces (starts at 48:43) that he's using the fake name "Mulligan" to disguise his identity. Tom points out that if he just introduced himself as Denny without any fanfare, nobody would have thought twice about it. After the big production, everyone is trying to unravel the Mystery of Mulligan. Tom thinks he'll get busted because he tried to be a hotshot. Indeed he will: it's Evan from Providence. He said he used a fake name because his story relates to a family member and there's a 50 percent chance a relative will be listening to the show. Tom says that they will definitely know who it is since he talked for four minutes, but he agrees that the concealment effort is honorable.

When Mulligan was a freshmen in art school, he adopted a straight-edge lifestyle -- no alcohol, no coffee, no rails, no piercings, no dyed hair, no stroke books, and no tattoos. Tom jokingly suggests that his decision to not get pierced or inked makes him a real weirdo. A lot of his peers were going out to parties and drinking, so he mentioned this when he called his parents to give them an update on how school was going. Mulligan's mother tried to console him by recommending some experimentation with drinking to meet some cool people, and then she revealed that she smoked marijuana back in college. He wishes he didn't know about his mother's sordid past. Tom tells him that it's been very interesting to hear him ruin his family on the show. He just received word that his mother was fired from her job. According to my sources, Mulligan's mother's unemployment only lasted a few days. She was just tapped to head up the Northeast Faux Nuggs distribution for Tornado Todd's LifeChanges charity.

- Dom in PA returns (starts at 54:12) to apologize for his preamble. Tom apologizes for rushing to judgment. Dom wakes up every day, my man, and wishes he didn’t know the world was gonna end soon. He's in a constant state of panic about someone pushing the button to launch all the rockets. Dom expresses disdain for people who fill their Hummer H3s up with Super, and Tom hears him. He tells Dom to hang in there because the world's not ready to end at this time. Dom agrees that there's still a little partying left to do. Mike points out that Dom uttered the first "my man" in the history of The Best Show.

- A caller tells (starts 1:04) "Thomas" that he seconds what the gentlemen said earlier about the disappointment of finding out that the actor who plays an American character is actually English or Australian. He's a big fan of the television show called CSI, and the cast features a woman (not Marg Helgenberger) who plays the new-ish Det. Sophia Curtis. The caller thought the actress was an American, but it turns out that she's English. He doesn't like it. Tom asks the caller to identify himself, and he's a bit suprised that Tom doesn't remember him. It's Bishop Pablo Fontana from the Newbridge Diocese. He called the program about two years ago, and he wants to know if Tom is enjoying this bountiful evening. Tom thinks bountiful is an apt term to describe the night's delights.

Tom heard the Bishop’s name for the first time in a long time during Bryce Prefontaine’s call last week. Bryce told Tom that Fontana stabbed Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian during a mad dash to get another dessert fix at Colonial Days. Fontana confirms that he was having the same problems as young Bryce and many other Newbridge residents. He says that he heard on the street that Tom didn't know anything about this as it was happening because he was laid up in the hospital with some sort of upset stomach. Tom says it was more than just an upset stomach, but he confirms that he was in the hospital when the madness broke out. Fontana asks Tom if he tried Tums® to soothe his tummy. He says that these antacid tablets always work for him when he suffers from the indigestion. Tom tells him that his kidney stone and resulting complications were beyond a simple over-the-counter remedy. Fontana offers Tom a little song to remember if the belly ache returns: "Tums® for Tom’s tum-tum." He sings it a couple of times and then counts it off so he can harmonize with Tom. After a couple of false starts, they deliver a very pleasant jingle. Fontana says he generally steers clear of Maalox because it's too chalky and the residue gets on his robes.

Tom reminds listeners that a drug-spiking epidemic recently swept through town, and Fontana got involved after two German boys from his church invited him to their stand at the bi-annual Colonial Days celebration. He doesn’t normally attend the event because he doesn’t think he looks that good in the tight breaches. Fontana says he can handle the ruffled shirt, but the breaches are too form-fitting for him. He doesn’t know how the forefathers dealt with the snug garb. The German boys he's referring to are, of course, Werner and Rutager. They hooked Fontana and others with the cocaine-laced powdered sugar they put on the funnel cakes. Fontana says that he and everyone else are now clean and sober. They are all excited, and Fontana knows that Tom is very excited about the big announcement made last Saturday. He's referring to Pope Benedict XVI accepting an invitation to visit the United Nations headquarters in Manhattan. Fontana says The Vatican has been very tight-lipped about when it will happen, but he's been told it will be fairly soon. Fontana says he has big plans for His Holiness’s incredible visit, and Tom assumes that Fontana will be part of the official festivities in NYC. Thomas is wrong. Fontana asks him if he's strapped in. Check. He then asks him if he has helmet on. Tom doesn't have a helmet, and Fontana urges him to wear one because he's going to blow Tom's mind off with what he's about to say. Tom repeats that he doesn't have a helmet, so Fontana proceeds without any protective headgear in place. In nutshell, he will do everything in his power to bring the Pope an hour outside of Manattan to show him the glory of Newbridge, the jewel of the Quint cities.

Fontana says his irrrrre is still raised about Pope John Paul II bypassing Newbridge when he came to Tribridge in 1979. Bishop McMillan at St. Paul's in Tribridge still ribs him about it during their fontasy hockey matches. Tom's not entirely sure what those matches are, so Fontana explains that it's just like fontasy baseball or football, but it's for minor league hockey. Fontana says it's fun, but Tom knows he wouldn't do well because he doesn't know much about minor league hockey. Fontana admits that it's not for everybody, unlike the Pope coming to Newbridge.

The main reason he wants him to come is to help everyone with the terrible sinkhole situation. Tom explains that there’s a sinkhole on the edge of town near Lake Newbridge. The sinkhole is right where Tinkerbell’s Tennis Teepee was before it sunk. It's also near the DVD Den, an offshoot of the CD Submarine. Tom checked out the DVD Den a couple of times and thought it was one of those bad ideas that was doomed from the start. The store contained giant, overstuffed couches with hundreds of DVDs tucked into the cushions like missing keys. Tom thinks it might be a fun gimmick to try at home, but it doesn't make for a pleasant shopping experience. Fontana describes a scenario where he's located Network, but he doesn't know what cushion to look under to grab Cleeffard.

The sinkhole keeps getting bigger and bigger, and the disaster is on the local news every night. Chief Ray Ploppleton, the Newbridge Fire Department Chief, is monitoring the situation. His brother, Darren, works with Tom at Consolidated Cardboard. Fontana thinks it's odd that his parents named him Chief, suggesting that they knew he would become some kind of leader later in life. Tom plans to ask Darren about the origins of the name. Fontana says that Tom will be seeing a major “Bless The Sinkhole” campaign starting very soon. He's trying to get signatures of everyone in Newbridge on a petition to send to The Vatican. Fontana says that Tom will also be hearing a special charity anthem on the radio called "This Sinking Feeling Has Got To End". He thinks that he and Craig really wrote an anthem to rival "Do They Know It’s Christmas". Fontana co-wrote it with Craig Finn from The Hold Steady.

He met Finn a couple of years ago at Southpaw in Brooklyn when he counseling the singer for ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat, a Greenpoint band who were opening for The Hold Steady. They have since broken up. Fontana says the singer was in turmoil afer !IHYTGOAS got panned with 3.7/10 review on the influential Shovel.com. The worst part was that the !IHYGOAS's guitarist wrote the review under a pen name. He wanted to break up the band so he could start a new band. Fontana thinks the new band, The Dude, are decent. He asks Thomas to place the reference, and he successfully ties it to The Big Lebowski. Fontana is still not sold on the film, but he quite liked Raising Arizona. It’s more his speed when it comes to the Coen brothers.

Tom is very interested by a man of the cloth who's so in tune with pop culture. Fontana says that he likes to know what the children are liking because it helps him stay in touch and give effective counsel like he did for the singer for ! I Hate You The Ghost Of Anwar Sadat. It allows him to establish a shorthand to communicate with younger generations. Fontana wants to tell Tom about what he has planned for the Pope, so he make sure that he's still wearing his seat belt. He says that's he's open to comments because he respects Tom's opinion.

1. Breakfast at Pancake Promenade in Newbridge Commons

2. Shopping at Lady Foot Locker -- word on the street suggests that the long-abandoned and haunted store is set for an August re-opening.

3. A tour of the seedy Muffler Row to watch Officer Harrups chase criminals.

The less violent criminals will be let out of jail for the afternoon so Harrups can round them up and then shoot them. Fontana assures Tom that the bullets cause pain, but they are not fatal. Harrups will be supplied with special bullets that Kern Pharmaceuticals is developing just for this historic occasion. Fontana says that the bullets are being manufactured to specifications that won't kill people ... in theory.

4. A trip to the Newbridge Reportory Theater for a special command performance of "Open Water".

The theater is doing the first-ever stage adaptation of the film of Open Water. The adapation is very faithful to the source material -- two people stuck in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. Fontana heard they will use some kind of big tank as the set. He thinks it sounds great; Tom thinks it sounds weird. The Bishop convincingly argues that life is weird.

5. Head over to the Newbridge Sports Arena for a slapfighting demonstration.

Fontana tells Tom that the Pope will do more than just watch. He can't wait to see the Pontiff get in the nonagon and show off his stuff. Fontana told Keith Garfinkle and the other members of the Newbridge Redfaces not to go too easy on him. He's older, but Fontana thinks he should be tought enough to handle some forceful slaps. Fontana says that JP2 was a fan of slapfighting, and this became a bone of contention with the current Pope, who served as JP2's minder back then. B16 didn't like it, but JP2 would get in an hour of slapfighting every morning. Tom always heard that he was an avid swimmer, but Fontana says that was actually a load of s hit. He used swimming to cover for his love of slapfighting. JP2's first act as the Pope was to install a nonogan in the Vatican. It's now dormant, but Fontana hopes to spark some interest in B16 when he visits Newbridge. Tom briefly explains the sport even though Fontana is certain that everyone knows about it. He's also not sure how Fontana will lure the Pope into the fight cage. Fontana is certain that once the Pope hears the symphony of Keith Garfinkle making that big palm print on his opponent's visage, he will want to get in there and start slapping it out.

6. After applying the post-slap creams and salves to the Pope's face, they will go to Newbridge Acres, the Betty Ford Clinic of the Quint Cities.

Fontana just completed his detox there to rid himself of the bounty of The White Lady. He points out that while he is a man of the cloth, he's also flesh and blood like Tom, young Bryce, and Judge Davies, but not quite like the more troubled Reggie Monroe. Fontana doesn't put himself in the same category of Monroe because he's pretty sure he never went on a flagrant "pant rummage" on national television. Fontana is currently counseling young Reggie. He makes it clear that Tom and the listeners don't want to know what Reggie is up to now.

Fontana can’t wait to introduce the Pope to Wilhelm, the new night nurse at Newbridge Acres. He believes the Pope will saint him after he tries some of the herbal remedy called "blue". Tom learned about "blue" last week from Bryce, and Fontana says the lip balm is a holy experience. With all due respect to the Bishop, Tom says it seems like "blue" was taken to beat the coke problem, but it might be as bad or worse. Fontana has tried it, but he hasn't applied any today. He thinks it's "very, very, very, very, very, very good." Tom says it sounds like all the former coke addicts are just moving sideways to a new addiction, but Fontana says he sees it as more of a sacrament. Tom thinks that mindset is horrible.

7. The night will end with a once in a lifetime experience: a concert performance by Da Band from MTV’s Making The Band 2.

Fontana can't believe that Tom had forgotten about Dylan, "Babs", "Ness", Fred, and “Chopper” from The Big Easy. Tom's not sure it's a great idea to have a pre-fab reality televison band perform for someone as prestigious as The Pope. Fontana labels Tom a naysayer. He hopes to hear the hit single "Bad Boy This, Bad Boy That" along with some deep cuts from Too Hot For TV. After the performance, Da Band will field questions from His Holiness for two hours. Tom can't believe he'd have enough Da Band queries to fill the alotted time. Fontana says he will bring him up to speed on Da Band in the limo, custom-made by Gene Simmons Toyota, en route to the arena. Tom didn't think the Pope would have to rely on transportation provided by the bassist from Kiss's car dealership. Fontana thinks the special vehicle is just one more incentive to come to Newbridge.

Fontana wants to get his foot in the door on this whole initiative by sending a Newbridge-centric gift basket to The Vatican. He plans to include some batter-buttled burgers, Troy Renfro's Steelers jersey, a gold muffler signed by Tom, a pony keg of Quint City stout, and a $20 gift certificate to the Denin-Clad Dad outlet. Tom can't imagine the Pope not using a $20 gift certificate to the Denim-Clad Dad. Fontana asks Tom if the amount is too much, but Tom's point was that even if it was $1,000, the Pope would have no desire for fatherly denim threads. Fontana thinks Tom will be more enthused about the hutPod donated by Craig Cooper. He wants Tom to come up with a suitable playlist for the Pontiff. Fontana has already loaded it with Newbridge bands like Mother 13, The Hey Whoah (new side project from Doug and Matt of The Hey Now), Barbershop Sweat, I-ron’s Reggae Challenge ("decent EP"), and The Gas Station Dogs. He even included some White Tyger. Fontana admits that it's cheesy, but it's also part of Newbridge history.

With the local bands in place, Fontana moved on to some papal-themed music, such as most of Born To Quit, the first album by the Smoking Popes, and "When In Rome, I Do the Jerk" by Rocket From The Crypt. Fontana wants to know if Tom can help get some exclusive content to add to the tracks donated by The Hold Steady and The Minions, a Dr. Dog side-project recently signed to Vava Records by label head Philly Boy Roy. He's specifically interested in Tom working his magic on Georgia, Ira, and James to secure an .mp3 of Yo La Tengo doing a musical version of Sam Kinison’s “Robo-Pope” or “Disco Pope” by The Prats, a now-forgotten Rough Trade band from the 1970s. Fontana says The Prats appear on the Rough Trade box set he owns. Fontana is also trying to re-unite the Vatican Commandos, Moby’s old Darien-CT-based hardcore rock 'n roll band. At this point, only Moby has agreed to participate. The other guys apparently have lives.

Fontana says his wife just texted him from the movie theater. He's late for Next, so he needs to splitsky soon. Tom makes a noise that indicates the film is bad news. He also informs Fontana that he doesn't think bishops are allowed to get married. Fontana says he's been married to Deirdre for 15 years, and he doesn't advertise the union. He never really checked the rules. Fontana is concerned about the potential infraction, but he's glad that he's not on the air. Tom tells him that he is on the air. Fontana tells Tom that he better not rat him. He sums up his predicament by saying "Jeepers Creepers".

He returns to the topic of Next because he doesn't want to blow $22 on two tickets. Fontana is a Nicolas Cage fan, and he still loves Valley Girl nearly 25 years after its initial release. He's especially fond of the scene where Hollywood punk Randy (Cage) tells the gals that the seenth music they listen to is gutless. Fontana thinks Randy had a point. Tom is a bit alarmed that he just glossed over his unauthorized marriage. Fontana explains his approach by quoting those Beatles: "We can work it out." Tom thinks he has a long road ahead of him. Fontana has to blaze, and he says he'll figure out the marriage thing. He blesses Tom on the way out by saying, "Love you, my son." Tom greatly appreciates a sign-off that didn't threaten bodily harm or death.

- While the bishop is in for a disappointing film, Tom discusses (starts at 1:44) his much more successful jaunt to see Hot Fuzz. Thumbs up for Hot Fuzz. I hope Tom doesn't change his mind when he finds out that Simon Pegg is really from Chicago! I saw Pegg on Kimmel last week, and he sounded exactly like Dennis Farina. Weird. Tom discovered that Pegg and Edgar Wright did what RR and QT were supposed to do with Griiiindhouse. They took a genre -- the American actioner/homo-erotic buddy film -- and instead of just aping it, they actually brought something to it. They made it entertaining, and they made it their own thing. Tom doesn’t need to see RR accomplish his mission of doing a tribute to a bad John Carpenter film. He tips his hat to the Hot Fuzz gang for making people lose their stuff in the last 30 minutes. Mike hasn’t seen it yet, but his brother liked it!

THREE MINUTES OF OPEN PHONES!!!!

- Dylan in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:47) to wholeheartedly disagree with Tom's bashing of Griiiindhouse. He thought both movies were incredible. Well, actually, he didn't. Dylan says that Death Proof was a little "all speech and dialogue", but it was "still good". Tom didn't care for the My Dinner With Andre blabfest, and he doesn't care for Dylan's uncontrollable toilet mouth. A typical Griiiindhouse fan proves Tom's point. Tom draws the line at the dopes and animals who think they are talking to their buddy instead of calling a live radio show.

My Dinner with Charlie: Basically, I make s hit up, alright, and don't clean it up, alright

- Michelle calls (starts at 1:49) from the road to report that she saw Hot Fuzz and Griiiiindhouse. She thought Planet Terror was pretty cool, but she almost fell asleep during QT's entry. While Tom thought both films were snoozes, he's excited by the prospects of the expanded cut of Death Proof, which is set to premiere at the Cannes Film Festival. He's looking forward to seeing what happens when QT cracks it open and lets it breathe:

"I was like a brutish American exploitation distributor who cut the movie down almost to the point of incoherence. I cut it down to the bone and took all the fat off it to see if it could still exist, and it worked. It works great as a double feature, but I'm just as excited if not more excited about actually having the world see Death Proof unfiltered." -- QT on the Death Proof Sordid Sentinels Edition

Tom hopes we get to see Stuntman Mike order the nachos instead of just stuffing them into his mouth like a wild beast. He'd then do a monologue about how much he loves nachos, followed by a scene of someone washing the dish in the back of the bar. Mike would like to spend some more time with the hillbilly. Michelle is baffled by the thought of a longer cut. She loved the hysterical Hot Fuzz, and, like Tom, appreciated the infusion of original chops into the genre riffage. Tom tells Michelle to drive safely, and she tells him to do the same. Tom tells her that he's not driving, but she says he can simply heed the advice after the show when he drives home.

- Bonnie calls (starts at 1:51) to divert the mini-open phone segment from cinema to her lackluster junior prom this past weekend. She decided that proms are either overrated or not her thing. After the prom, she went to her date's friend's house to watch geeks play Guitar Hero. Tom thinks the wonderful memory of a 45-minute "Bark At The Moon" session should be preserved in a scrapbook so she can show her grandchildren the image of two dummies fiddling around with a plastic guitar. He feels for Bonnie.

- Ted Leo calls (starts at 1:54) to announce that he won't be seeing Griiiindhouse anytime soon. Tom says he won't have the chance because it's gone. America made the wrong move by rejecting The Zodiac in favor of Wild Hogs, but they redeemed themselves by choosing Blades of Glory instead of Griiiindhouse. Ted apologizes for cold-calling while walking around the barren streets of Toronto with no access to an audio stream. Tom points out that Ted is up there with New Jersey backup in the form of the Nets. He gets an update on Game 5: Toronto won 98-96. Tom isn't too disappointed because he will now just see the Nets take the series at home in Game 6. Tom remembers going to Nets games (because he couldn't get into Knicks games) and seeing that one frat guy who gave himself the job of rallying the fans. He would go to the bottom lip of the upper deck to start an unsanctioned N-E-T-S chant. Nets management decided to just keep an eye on him instead of ejecting him from the arena. Ted agrees with that approach because antagonizing him could have yielded something much worse than unbridled enthusiasm. Tom says the frat guy was matched by a courtside lawyer whose face would turn purple from yelling. Ted wonders if this was during the era of the Collins twins, but Tom says the purple-faced litigator has been a fixture for a long time.

Teddy Rockstar says his rock tour has been disastrous, but fun. On the second night in D.C., Ted was tired and looking forward to an early night. However, when he turned the water on in the hotel shower, the knob exploded like a fire hydrant, depositing an inch of water throughout the entire room. Ted is surprised hotel managment believed the tale and didn't notify the police. He had to call the front desk several times because they didn't understand the severity of the flooding. The first response was a guy with a mop. This incident was a portent of lowlights to come. At a show in Minneap-olis, Ted's amp fell completely over backwards with his last old Echoplex that works stacked on top of it. About 30 seconds after that all shattered, the head stock on his B.C. Rich Warlock broke. Ted doesn’t name his guitars, but Tom thinks he should start. Tom suggests Cha Cha!, The Dominator, Spike, and the new trio of demented Captain Jack characters -- Blue Willie, Willis, and Louie the Liverpudlian. While Ted's been grappling with the perils of The Road, Captain Jack has been providing some lowlights for The Best Show. Ted adopts Tom's lingo to say that the band snatched a W from the jaws of a potential L every night by ultimately crushing the audience. He waded in the hotel water, and he never gave up.

The tour ends this coming Saturday at Webster Hall in NYC in what could be the last live show ever for Ted Leo and the Pharmacist. Teddy might let Rollins down and not get back in the van. He seriously doubts the show is a sellout, but Tom's hoping for one because he bought 60 tickets (flaw seats, I assume) to roll the dice on some scalping. Tom wants to know if Ted has any equipment smashing planned for the final show. Ted says he can't afford it because he spent more money on replacement gear in the last couple of weeks then he has in his entire quote unquote career. Tom wants to know what Ted thinks is the dumbest guitar shape of all-time. He picks the wood block carved into the shape of the U.S. and A. He recently saw one in L.A., and it was so alien, he briefly thought he might be able to get away with playing it. Tom once saw a guitar in the shape of a machine gun. This instrument was sending a message about its intentions to mow you down with riff-bullets (only pain, they don't end lives).

Ted was pleased to see many Newbridge-clad FOTs on the tour. Tom thought they might have tried to get free merch, but Ted says they were all very kind. Tom congratulates Ted on Living With The Living's impressive debut at #109 on Billboards. Ted assumes it dropped off the Top 200 because he stopped getting e-mails about it. Tom tells Ted to stay safe and give his regards to Big Steve and Little Danny.

- Bobby calls (starts at 2:06) to talk about Labyrinth, the 1986 Henson/Lucas fontasy film starring David Bowie. He thinks it's the best movie ever created, and he wants to let people know that it's mindblowing from start to finish. Bobby asks permission to do an impression of a big hairy monster named Ludo. Tom fears that he will regret it, but Bobby says he will try his best to do accurately capture Ludo. He adopts a Cookie Monster-y voice and performs a line in which Ludo tells Jennifer Connelly that he's hungry and smells bad. Tom tells him that he just did an impression of every Henson creation. Bobby doesn't necessarily disagree, but he does say that Henson was probably one of the best "creative-creators" (the best kind!) in the history of something called "man-mankind." Tom doesn't know what that is because he's not nuts, so Bobby explains that it refers to all man, everyman, inside the man, and outside the man. Tom GOMPs him for getting a little too into it.

Tom points out that this was the worst era for David Bowie. His atrocity-filled Tonight album includes a dreadful cover of "God Only Knows". Tom played the track a bit later in the show, and he initially suspects it was mastered at the wrong speed because it's indistinguishable from the Edward Furlong track.

- A caller expresses (starts at 2:09) his desire to make Living with the Living the new Rumours, the 1977 Fleetwood Mac album that has shifted 30 million copies worldwide. He's looking for a 200-week stay on Billboards. Tom has a plan. He tells the caller to wear a sandwich board to the Webster Hall show. The board should feature text that says "Buy Living with the Living!" on the front and "Let’s make it our Rumours" on the back. Tom wants the caller to become the rock equivalent of Freddy "Sez" at Yankees stadium or the purple-faced lawyer at Nets games. The caller does a quick Jay Leno routine about ticket scalpahs and signs off. Tom really hopes he's in the VIP opera box at the Ted Leo show because he can't go near guys like that. He will enter through the kitchen like Frank Sinatra to avoid the riff-raff. Tom will stare down at the floor and see the caller getting jostled around in the pit with his sandwich board.

Tom mentions the odd, ambient rimshots that Leno's band does after he uncorks a J-Lo joke. Tom can't imagine why Leno approved amorphous jazz as an appropriate comedy heightener.

- Erika from Baltimore calls (starts at 2:13) to say that she was scarred by boredom David Bowie's package when she saw Labyrinth at age 8. Tom gets rid of Erika for filth talk. She should save it for Baltimore sports talk radio or the West Bawlmer precinct.

- Tom launches (starts at 2:15) a new topic based on his jury duty experience: The Best Things You’ve Overhead. He also recently overheard a gem at 7-11. A 12-year-old boy was teasing his seven-year-old brother near the drink coolers. They younger brother said, "Hey, stop pushing me, stupid" to no avail. Tom got a kick out of the squeaky-voiced request. The older brother later suggested getting some ice cream, and the younger brother yelled at him for not remembering that he didn't like ice cream. The older brother continued to press his buttons on the ice cream issue, and the younger one kept telling him he did not like the cold treat. Tom has a bad feeling about this topic, so he might throw a second one on the table.

- A caller asks (starts at 2:18) Tom if his station is running. Tom asks him if he should go catch it. Tom doesn't like the lame adaptation of the "running refrigerator" prank, but he enjoys the caller's one-button sign-off. Beep. He gives Mike strike one for letting him through and strike two for doing so after he claimed he played one of the goblins in Labyrinth. Tom thinks the caller should be on The Real Wedding Crashers, the most underwhelming thing he's ever seen. The perps started two small arguments at the wedding, which was enough for them to consider it totally crashed. Tom says that they were just being inappropriate, annoying jerks. This happens at every wedding. Since The Best Things You've Overhead is making Turk 182 It look like How's What's Your Favorite Cookie, Tom starts to fear the L.

- Karen from JC calls to recount something her friend overheard at a diner in Providence, Rhode Island. There were two guys in line in front of her, and one of them finally came up with a solution to the age-old dilemma of the girl with three boobs. One for him, another for him, and just one boob for his friend. Tom doesn't like it. He doesn't traffic in porno radio.

Note: The Girl With Three Boobs is the title of a griiiindhouse script I'm working on. Think Russ Meyer meets Martin.

- Eric in Chicago calls after consuming a big plate of hott green curry. He was similarly appalled by The Real Wedding Crashers, and he also saw some commercials for the American version of Thank God You’re Here. Tom can’t talk about it because there’s a chance he will be the newest addition to the TGYH players. Eric hopes Tom will be able to collaborate with comedy luminaries like Fran Drescher, Tom Arnold, and the underexposed Fred Willard. Tom wants to see less Fred Willard and Eugene Levy and more of his hero, Joe Flaherty. Harold Weir!

Tom considers Thank God You're Here less an improv comedy show and more like mental agility sales training. The show makes Eric mad, and he will also be livid when the Bulls get demolished by the Pistons. Tom GOMPs Eric because he thinks the matchup is the NBA Finals. The series is part of the second round of the playoffs, but the mistake turned out to be Eric's finals moments on Tom's shows.

- Showbiz Sean from L.A. calls to say he just left his fancy showbiz job for fancy showbiz unemployment. The fancy showbiz job let him write an episode of the fancy showbiz job, and now he has to leave to make his own way in the biz. The fancy showbiz job was the fancy show called Scrubs. Tom thinks Zach Braff seems fun, and Showbiz Sean says he's a nice guy. Tom hopes he appears on Thank God You're Here soon. While Tom likes Braff, he does point out that he doesn't seem sensitive enough and fails to look longingly at the camera as much as he'd like. Showbiz Sean thinks Aaron Sorkin's post-Studio 60 project should be a behind-the-scenes look at Thank God You're Here. If that didn't pan out, he could just write some scenarios about infant mortality rates in Zimbabwe. Tom would watch that.

Tom wants to know what's up with all the sound effects on Scrubs, and Showbiz Sean thinks they've cut back on the whoosh noises. Tom wonders if Comedy Central turned its entire programming lineup over to Scrubs. Showbiz Sean confirms that they signed an exclusive Scrubs-MAD TV-Carlos Mencia pack. Tom says he can tell time by checking out Comedy Central throughout the day: bad movie + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie + MAD TV / MAD TV / MAD TV + Scrubs + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie / The Mind of Mencia +South Park / Halfway Home + Dogma / Back To School + The Daily Show / The Colbert Report + bad movie / Mencia / Scrubs + bad movie. Showbiz Sean says this is an accurate description of the network's daily slate. Tom doesn't like it. He hates it. Showbiz Sean would like to trade Mencia for some reruns of The Jack Benny Program. I'd trade the entire lineup for some Night After Night w/ Allen Havey re-airings. Tom would like to see Carlos Mencia get his foot run over. He doesn't desire a serious injury, but he would like to see the brazen comic come out wearing a giant cast boot. Showbiz Sean prefers to see a comically-large, flattened-out foot. Tom is hesitant to embrace that because it might be the only funny thing Mencia is ever responsible for. It might actually make him laugh.

Showbiz Sean has reverted to a Spike-like diet of Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, and local news, and Tom says it sounds like he's sliding down the ladder like Leaving Las Vegas. Tom recommends a splash of cold water and the aid of Zach Braff to help Showbiz Show bounce back. Tom heard that Braff was writing a motivational book called Braffisms. Showbiz Sean cannot confirm its publication, but he thinks it would be an effective audio book if it was read along with songs by The Shins and Thievery Corporation. Tom appreciates Braff turning him onto The Shins and changing his life four years after he first heard the band. Showbiz Sean spent a day as The Shins gopher when he worked as a PA on Gilmore girls. Tom wonders if the show contacted them because they needed four dead guys for a scene in a morgue. He likes the music, but he thinks the band needs to wake up in a live setting. In a ruthless turn of events, Tom abruptly GOMPs Showbiz Sean for no reason.

- Tom swaps out The Best Things You've Overhead for Mike's suggestion of a lightning round of predictions for the end of The Sopranos. Tom doesn't think HBO is doing themselves any favor by running a new Entourage episodes after the final run of The Sopranos. After an epic episode where every moment and decision is pregnant with disaster, Vince and the boys are darting around L.A. looking for the best spot for a pool pahty. Tom compares the massive shift in tone to shoveling cake in your mouth the second you finish eating dinner. He doesn't want to jam cotton candy down his throat after a huge bowl of pasta. Tom points out that every episode of Entourage conforms to the same template. E is concerned about Vince's career, but Vince just wants to hang out and see what's going on. Johnny Drama then pipes up (taking a break from one of his apron-clad cooking sessions) about how he learned how Hollywood really works from his stint on Viking Quest. Then Turtle makes a crack about Drama working in the 1930s "talkies" era and smokes some crippler. And then they cut to Ari Gold who starts blabbering about nonsense. Lloyd! Tom is pleased that Doug Ellin is raiding the MAD Magazine TV vaults and employing Will Sasso and Artie Lange.

- Jim calls from the Garden State Parkway to reveal the greatest thing he's ever overheard. Two women were at a roadside eatery in Texarkana, Arkansas. Jim was sitting by himself with his back to them. The topic of conversation was problems in their respective families that could possibly be traced back to inbreeding. They were rattling on with Jerry Springer-esque chatter about second cousins, and when Jim left he saw that they both looked like Vice-President Lon Chaney in mid-transformation. Identical werewolf women. Jim says he was once mistaken by a Japanese MTV camera crew for an overweight Christopher Cross the singer for the Barenaked Ladies.

Note: I'm also working on a griiiindhouse script called Identical Werewolf Women of the C.I.A. Think Ginger Snaps meets The Parallax View.

- Bob in New York calls to brag about not having a TV. He does manage to catch Entourage in hotels when traveling on business. He doesn't understand what demographic is choosing to have a half hour blatantly sucked out of their lives. Last Saturday night, Bob decided to peruse a new video-sharing website called U-Toob. He was thoroughly entertained by it for at least two hours. He saw some weird, screwy stuff, but overall, he thought the content was pretty good. Tom GOMPs Bob and wonders if he will next school him about Google. He tells Bob to join the television revolution because the days of Alice, The Jeffersons, and The Love Boat are long gone. There's good stuff available now.

Tom was in a diner, and he heard a women say the following to a male companion: "You know what, you’re a real pervert, that was real nasty what you just said." Tom couldn't see them at the time, and he badly wanted to slide into their table and beg them to repeat the offending comment.

- Christopher in Rhode Island double dips to offer a quote from a co-worker: "Yeah, there’s some pretty hot chicks where my wife goes and gets her chemo." Tom GOMPs him. He suspects the co-worker is living in a Todd Solondz lidblower on the suburbs.

- A caller catches a continuity error in Sunday night's gambling-centric episode of The Sopranos. He noticed that Tony is betting on basketball and football, but AJ attends the Puerto Rican Day parade, which takes place in June. He put the calendear together and got them. Tom helps the caller out by drafting a letter informing David Chase that he finally crossed the line.

- Blue Willie calls to say he once had a dog named Soprano. He thinks Tom is off his meds again and in need of a tweak to get his career back on his desired trajectory. Blue Willie says Tom always has a spot in the Barnacle Blues Band. He tells Tom that if he ends up in a Hollywood bungalow with some hooker about to pop that last balloon, he'll fly right out and rescue him. Tom says that Blue Willie is definitely on some kind of list that bans him from air travel. Blue Willie likes to name everything, and the band is currently cruising around in a vehicle called the "Lunar Module". It's an old Mercedes painted 10 shades of purple. He has an old generator called "Weezer" down below. It was named after a guy named Weezer McClaren, who gave it to them back in the 1980s. It recently seized, so Blue Willie will have to do a number on it to get it running again. Blue Willie requests that Tom put that "Worcestershire sauce cat" back on the air for 40 minutes so he can listen to it while he greases Weezer. Bue Willie calls Tom a "down girl" and has the nerve to hang up on him.

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls to lament that he has friends who love American Beauty. WJ didn't like the film, and he's excited that Tom feels the same way. He points out that Blue Velvet exposed the dark underbelly of suburbia 10 years before American Beauty anyway. Stressed-out real estate agents and gay military men don't do it for WJ and Tom. Tom also rips Arnold Diaz for going after the slobs. He's looking forward to the Slob Revolution.

Weirder Jon was on NJ Transit heading into Penn Station, and he overheard a conversation of friendly one-upping. At one point, someone was flaunting a trip to Sea World by announcing that they've always been into manatees. WJ can't imagine anyone being impressed by that line, and Tom thinks it's a fanatastic contribution to the topic.

- Chris L in Maryland calls to say he has a sinking feeling that The Sopranos is heading for an anti-climactic ending just to screw with audience expectation. He fears that they will find the most obscure thing of the series to precipitate Tony’s downfall. Tom mocks people who still long for the return of The Russian from the woods. Tom is surprised that Chris L wasn't excited to see 40 minutes Vito's dynamic son in the last episode. Tom heard about the possibility of a spinoff series that would take place at the Idaho camp for troubled goth kids. Mike thinks it would be similar to Meatballs. Tom imagines the phone call from the agent for the actor who plays Vito, Jr. The good news is that he's back on the show. The bad news is that the script dictates that he adopt a goth look that Phil Leotardo compared to a "Puerto Rican whore" and do some other unpleasant stuff.

- A caller from Gainesville, Georgia, unleashes the worst Southern accent of all-time. He doesn't cotton much to television. Tom GOMPs him for not knowing his zip code, a telltale indicator of fakery. I think this was Henry Owings.

- Tom opens it up to the people to decide if the show is a W or an L. A female caller votes W because of the awesome last half hour, but then Bob in Memphis disgraces himself by declaring it an L. Tom GOMPs him because it was a great show. A rout. He was only being humble. The Best Show remains undefeated in 2007. 15-0. Tom salutes the sad and dedicates the show to the Labyrinth guy.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom recaps his stint in "Cliff's Corner" at Game 6 of the Nets vs. Raptors series, Keith Garfinkle discusses strategy (increase mitt oil, more uppercuts, etc.) for his first papal battle, Netflix founder Reed Hastings checks in talk about the recent runs on Labyrinth and Clifford, and a battalion of Roombas invade the studio.

Posted by Omar at 9:50 AM | Permalink | Comments

Tube tops.

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Posted by Omar at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments

[It's not that crazy, I guess.]

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"Just so you know, Spike, The Riches is a show that's on something called cable television. You can’t get that with your rabbit ears." -- Tom, informing Spike of the limitations of his dungeon's entertainment system

"It actually was better than Grindhouse!" -- Tom on the double feature shown in the jury room

"And I'm not just talking about the men." -- Tom, noting that his fellow jurors looked like Tenacious D guitarist Kyle Gass

"This guy's in court! Sweatpants! -- Tom on one of his slovenly peers

"I don't know if you ever knew this about me, but I used to hit the old bong pretty heavy. I think I hid it pretty well." -- Bryce, admitting to past drug use

"They took me on a very long, very costly, very intense ski trip." -- Bryce on his extended vacation with Werner and Rutager

"Stop or I'll shoot ye! Ye must step back!" -- Officer Harrups, barking some vintage orders

"I think like um like um I like got like shot and stuff?" -- Pudge on the possibility that he was hit by a musket blast

"Hey, aunt Susannah." -- Seth Galifianakis, giving a shout-out to his New Jersey hostess

"Jesus has risen, but the biscuits haven't." -- famous North Carolina Easter saying

"My cab driver's name was Foosball or something like that like Foosball. Or Ping Pong or something. It was crazy." -- Seth, discovering the cultural differences in New York City

"Those margaritas, you'd think they'd go away, but I'll tell you what, they still kickin' in a little bit." -- Seth on the lingering effects of the T.G.I. Friday's drinks he had earlier in the day

"It seems like you have a lot to say, and I think you'd probably be pretty wry." -- Saul Tompkins on Seth's potential as a stand-up comedian

"Newark is very nice." -- Tom on the cite of the Galifianakis family reunion

"Alright, that's it. He's gone. He's gone." Seth on Zach's landmark decision to pick Morris Day over Gloria Estefan

"We. both. like. ca-la-mari. We. both. like. The Fugees." -- Seth, finding some common ground with Zach

"The phone lines are lightin' up!" -- Seth, showing off his radio skills

"It's got that fat Scientologist in it and that colored guy that went crazy." -- Seth, running through the cast of Wild Hogs

"You want the girl in laff? Do you wanna a nice care in laff? Do you wanna be somethin' in laff? Anything in laff?" -- Seth, giving a pep talk to the Flaming Arrows

"One of my dreams is to tickle the jet engine of an American Airlines flight with one of my kites." -- Seth, aiming high

[TBSOWFMU - 4/24/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Rachel Sweet - "Cuckoo Clock"

( Click here to buy the Fool Around re-issue)

Tommy Keene - "Landscape" (from the OOP Strange Alliance)

( Click here to visit Keene headquarters)

Imperial Teen - "You're One"

( Click here to buy Seasick)

Scientists - "Swampland"

( Click here to buy Blood Red River 1982-1984)

Nervous Patterns - "No Control"

( Click here to buy Nervous Patterns)

MDC - "Business On Parade"

( Click here to buy Millions of Dead Cops/More Dead Cops)

Citizens Arrest - "A Light in the Darkness"

( Click here to visit the Citizens Arrest Myspace page)

Deep Wound - "Time To Stand"

( Click here to visit the Deep Wound Myspace page)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Get ready. Here comes the recap. DUCK!

Tom is undefeated in 2007* -- 13 "W"s in a row (including the two marathon shows). Can he make it 14? Tom could not achieve a Cal Ripken-like streak of consecutive shows, but that’s not really what it’s all about. We don’t want to hear Tom scrape the bottom of the barrel in a state of illness. He needed to spend some time on the pine to get healthy. He came back last week stronger than ever to fight another day and bring the best stuff he’s got.

Tom reiterates that there will never be another open-phone Tuesday. Those days are gone. He compares the change in policy to the FAA prohibiting passengers from stowing their Stephen Stills commemorative knives under their seats. Tom initially blames listeners for ruining the free-form fun of open phones, but he remembers that it’s his fault. He was driving the bus, and he let the mutants take a turn at the wheel every five minutes. Tom has now assumed sole command of The Best Show route. Despite Tom’s edict, two lines are flashing. Who are these gutsy callers? Mike the Associate Producer tells Tom that Spike is on line #2. Tom’s not sure if he can handle Droopy Zippermouth tonight. He decides to accelerate the show with a Queens Two for Tuesday -- line #1’s Ben and his creepy new buddy.

"X" marks the Jew: A scene from the fourth episode of FX's latest atrocity

- Ben and Spike offer (starts at 28:45) examples of their borough's spectrum of residents -- the normal and the deranged. Speaking of exposes of American life, Ben wants to follow-up on Tom’s mention of The Riches during Petey’s call on last week’s program. He got excited because he wanted to hear The Kid’s take on the show, but then the conversation turned to Tyra Banks and Dick Kiel. Tom says that he checked out after four episodes. Ben’s time with the show was similarly short-lived. Tom informs Spike that The Riches is a show that airs on something called “cable” television, which he cannot bring in with his rabbit ear antennas no matter how much tin foil he wraps them in. Spike claims that he is familiar with cable, and, in fact, manages to pull these channels into his dungeon. Tom wants to know who he’s stealing cable from, but Spike says he pays for it just like everybody else. He claims to have a premium package that includes Home Box Office, Showtime (Spike is undoubtedly a big fan of Dexter and Red Shoe Diaries reruns), Encore, and the Canadian movie channel Sars!

Spike has heard of The Riches, but hasn’t had a chance to sample it. Tom says The Riches is in line with all of the other dysfunctional FX offerings, which are overloaded with messed-up, defective characters. In the case of The Riches, Tom thinks the lady across the street’s threat to tell on the family of con artists was enough dramatically. But in FX land, her fake arms falls off because everybody’s got a monkey on their back and a skeleton in their closet. Ben says he just wanted to see some fun Eddie Izzard hoodwinking shenanigans. He thinks the premise of gypsies roaming around should have been fun. Alas, the gypsies had no home, and the FX network has no fun. The show bummed Tom out. Tom dismisses Ben, so he can get a quick update on the world of Spike. He’s sick of “Sanjune”, the stupid kid from American Idol who has riveted a nation with his poor singing and crazy haircuts. The topic sets off a mini-return to the Abbot & Costello riffage that is often a highlight of Spike calls:

Tom: I like him.

Spike: You like him. Well, you and Howard.

Tom: Who’s Howard?

Spike: Stern!

Tom: Howard who?

Spike: Howard Stern.

Tom: The Anna Nicole guy?

Spike: No. Na-na-na-no. Art, the real Howard Stern.

Tom: Art? Who’s Art?

Spike: Art?

Tom: You said “Art” and How--

Spike: Na-na-no. Howard Stern.

Tom: Yeah, Anna Nicole’s lawyer.

Spike: No, uh-no -- I meant Howard Stern as in Robin Quivers’s Howard Stern.

Tom: What? The wha-ba-ba-ba?

Spike: Robin. Jo. Quivers.

Tom: Is that like one of his other clients or something?

Spike: Wha-whatever. But anyway, he’s telling people to vote for this person …

Tom notes that Spike is not suffering any fools tonight because he needs to burn through the topics on his agenda for the call. Spike says he’s also sick of the person who came into his city today: The Village Idiot aka The Shrub. Tom wonders if Spike is referring to Al Gore, but he’s actually talking about George W. Bush, the current White House resident. Tom calls him the President because that’s what he is. He's a registered voter in New Jersey, New York, and Maryland, so he was able to vote for Bush three times. Tom reveals that he took a little road trip on election day, and he quickly realizes that he should not be admitting that over the air. Whoops.

Spike can’t imagine why Tom would want to vote for Bush even one time. Tom gave him a trio of votes because GWB is an American hero and not a flip-flopper like Spike’s candidate John Kerry. Spike says he “didn’t really vote” for Kerry. Tom suspects Spike punched a ticket for Sexy Sadie, but he's wrong. Spike voted for Cookie Louise Schwartz. Spike’s marble-mouthed delivery of the lady’s name sounds a bit like Lyndon LaRouche. Tom wants to know if Spike is one of those LaRouche operatives impeding his entry into the post office. Spike assures Tom that he would never vote for that idiot. Tom tells him that he is free to disagree with LaRouche’s political views, but he must keep the conversation civil.

Spike repeats that he supported Cookie Louise Schwartz’s campaign, and Tom commends him for not throwing his vote away. He thinks it was fantastic that Spike decided to make a statement by supporting a fringe candidate. Tom suggests voting for Pat Paulsen in the next election. Spike is excited to hear that the deceased satirist is making a sixth bid for the White House. Tom tells Spike to just vote Scharpling in 2008 if he’s content to flush his vote down the turlet. He GOMPs Spike for being an un-American slob. Once Spike is gone, Tom admits to enjoying when people vote for someone outside of the two-party system. Cool. In 2004, I voted for Randee of the Redwoods. He lives in the woods behind the old Gap Kids & Baby Gap at the Mendocino Commons.

Urban Jurors: Tom mixes it up with the slobs as he fulfills his civic duty

- Tom discusses (starts at 35:39) the opposite of a party he had today: jury duty. He says it was the most painful 7* hours of his life since his bout with a kidney stone. The experience drained Tom on a deep, core level. Since he was forced to serve, Tom now wishes that everybody else is given the opportunity to get equally drained. (No, he doesn't.) Tom does understand that a jury comprised of one's peers is a vital part of the American judicial system, so he dutifully arrived at the designated Newbridge courthouse to wait in line at the security checkpoint. Tom says he's never seen anybody more overwhelmed by a job than the poor officer manning the metal detector. The guy was losing his mind every 40 seconds. In his defense, the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald later reported that he had to arrest four people for having "blue" residue hidden in their Aquafina bottles. Tom sensed that he wasn't new to the job, but he was drenched in sweat and yelled at everyone. In the course of instructing visitors to remove the contents from their pockets, he yelled the followed tidbit about currency construction three times: "Coins are made of money!"

Tom concluded that if any serious action ever went down in the courthouse, this lightweight would likely grab a human shield. He predicts that the coward might also attempt to climb inside the the metal detector chamber to hide. As a result, his X-rayed image would appear on the little screen. Tom cleared the checkpoint and was quickly herded into a giant room along with 150 other people who learned to like America a little less. He felt a vibe that indicated that people were more satisfied with their country yesterday. With the jury pool assembled, court officials rolled a double feature that Tom preferred to Griiiindhouse. The first film, The Legal System, was a bad-and-it-knows-it affair along the lines of Planet Terror. It was followed by the Death Proof-y You, The Juror. The guy seated behind Tom was snoring through the dialogue-heavy first half of the second feature, but he woke up in time to hear the narrator stress how the jury system is crucial to preserving justice in America. The guy disagreed with the sentiment and said "BS" in a voice that was far too loud to be appropriate for the setting.

Tom was baffled that the guy was trying to assume the role of class clown during jury duty. Tom didn't want anyone rocking the boat and prompting a reprimand from the judge. Tom was able to place You, The Juror's production date in the late-1970s due to an image of an old-school cassette recorder. He wasn't impressed with the acting, which was on par with the non-prevert scenes from adult cinema. The film was made by the appropriately-named Media Productions, an obscure independent company that lurked in the shadows of the Roger Corman/AIP empire. I've actually seen two other MP releases: Subsidize Me (1977), a groundbreaking documentary on Midwestern agriculture, and White Lady Fever (1979), a taut little drug caper starring Jan-Michael Vincent, Lynn Lowry, and George Kennedy.

After the screening, Tom surveyed the room and discovered 150 of the most defeated people ever. While God crafted people in all different shapes and sizes, the people in this room were much more uniform. Tom thought he might have stumbled into an audition for one of those old Alka-Seltzer commercials. He says the apparent template for a 2007 American juror is Kyle Gass ... and he's not just talking about the men. They called Tom's number (37*1), and he went into the courtroom with the next wave of people to be questioned about obtaining one of the lucky eight seats for the trial. The guy called before Tom was wearing sweatpants a la Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Tom admits to not wearing a spiffy suit like PFT, but he did at least put on some clean, court-appropriate attire. He thinks "Carl" was underdressed even if he just rolled out of bed to go to the gym. Tom predicts that a Bally's employee would tell him to head back home to spruce himself up a bit. He does give "Carl" credit for grabbing sweats without any writing on them.

Tom offers some important advice for people who find themselves in the jury pool, the DMV, or a movie theater. He reminds them to be aware that other people are seated behind them when they launch into their intense stretching exercises. Tom wonders if people can no longer distinguish between their homes and public places. He was minding his Ps & Qs when the guy in front of him nearly touched his face with his fully-extended arms. Tom had to duck to elude the flailing limbs. He also heard a couple of great conversations in the jury room. The BS guy was performing a monologue about sump pumps for another guy who had no interest in hearing about sump pumps. The guy sitting next to that guy later proposed a theory about why all the illegal stuff was going down: too many laws. Tom is not a proponent of this theory and does not think it's a good idea to start deleting laws from the books.

The highlight for Tom was being privy to half of a cell phone chat from a guy a few rows in front of him. The guy was asking the unseen caller on the other end if he currently looked idiotic and/or stupid. Tom could not hear the response, but he believes the guy is stupid because the other person could not see him at the time of the query. After a long pause, the guy recommends that the other person read a book by a Chinese author. Tom correctly predicted that it was The Art of War by Sun Tzu. How did Tom know that pick was coming? It's the only book of Chinese origins that anybody knows.

The bottom line: Tom paid his dues amongst the (sober) defeated masses. He is a true American. He also splurged for a fancy, $5 lunch. Tom thinks that if Tom Waits observed his jury room, he'd realize that he's a mere piker, writing songs that don't go nearly far enough in depicting the seedy underbelly and bruised dreams of America.

- A caller offers (starts at 50:52) Tom condolences for what sounded like one heckuva bad day. Tom says it was an interesting experience even though he would have rather avoided it. The caller points out that they call it "jury duty" because it's part of the duties of citizenship. Tom says that at one point a judge came in to swear everyone in en masse like some kind of Rev. Sun Myung Moon wedding. He told the potential jurors that they were all wearing invisible black robes (an invisible upgrade for "Carl"), and the caller points out the incongruity of something possessing color yet also being invisible. The robes made everyone official judges of the facts of the case. The caller says that Tom's judge voice makes him sound like Judge Larry Seidlin, the showboating barrister who proceeded over hearings about the final disposition of Anna Nicole Smith's remains. Tom suspects that all judges play to the crowd, and the caller thinks they are all auditioning for a television gig.

The caller has an idea to get Tom out of his jury duty funk. He thinks Tom should cue up something from Hampton Roads on 7/17/75. Tom's not sure what that is, so the caller explains that it's a Grateful Dead show. Tom says he's not much of a Dead fan and asks the caller if he's familiar with the program. The caller says that he is and proposes something from Blues for Allah, the Grateful Dead's 1975 studio recording. Tom's still not buying The Dead as an effective funk reducer and instructs the caller to listen to the program for a few weeks to get a better feel for the playlists. The caller says he'll settle for "Me Without You" by Bobby & The Midnites. Tom says he also won't be playing any Dead side-projects. The caller thanks Tom anyway and tells him to have a good night. Before he hangs up, Tom asks him for his name. It's Bryce. Tom tells the caller that there's a Bryce who frequently calls the show to discuss the Grateful Dead. The caller claims that he's this Bryce. Tom doesn't believe him, and the caller insists that he's Bryce Prefontaine. Tom says that the Bryce Prefontaine he knows sounds like a stoned hippy, littering his riffs with a barrage of "hey, man"s. He's shocked that this is that Bryce.

Bryce explains that he's been going through some really, really heavy stuff for the past month. In a nutshell, he just emerged from a colossal fog that he's been in for about a decade. He's speaking in his actual voice thanks to cleaning up at the Newbridge Acres treatment facility, the Betty Ford Center of the Quint cities. He's calling on his final night at the facility, which is out where the old Newbridge Fudge Foundry used to be before it wilted and then eventually liquefied. Tom is familiar with the location. Bryce is excited to go home tomorrow and begin a whole new chapter of his life as a new man. Tom asks Bryce if the facility is near Captain's Donuts, and he confirms that it is close to the second Captain's Donuts store. Bryce isn't sure what happened to the original one on the other side of Muffler Row. This was a childhood haunt for Bryce, who was especially fond of the sprinkles the Captain applied to the donuts. Tom remembers it looking like it had been disassembled, as though someone took it apart brick by brick. Bryce has the same recollection and says the pieces were eventually carted off one day. He also remembers something about the store getting impaled on a church steeple. This doesn't ring a bell for Tom.

Bryce says that he's assembled all of the potato chips he's received for being sober, and he gets to eat them on his final night as a "taste treat". Bryce isn't sure if Tom know this about him, but he reveals that he used to hit the bong pretty heavily. He thinks he hid his drug use pretty well. Tom laughs and proceeds to tell Bryce that he took three bong hits during every call he made to the program. Bryce is surprised to hear this, but he's now even more relieved that he got help. Tom thinks it's fantastic that he's finally cleaning up his act. In addition to partaking of his share of the God's green, Bryce says he also became addicted to another substance after coming in close contact with their old German buddy, Werner. He entered a whole new depth after Werner and his brother, Rutager, took him on a very long, very costly, and very intense "ski trip". Tom gets the reference, which is a slang term for a cocaine binge. Bryce tells Tom that he was not the only person in Newbridge who went on the trip. He says it got really, really, really bad for a lot of residents, and it all came to a head about 2-3 weeks ago at the bi-annual Colonial Days, a popular three-day street festival that celebrates a return to the days of yesteryear.

A patient arrives to check in at the spacious yet sparsely populated Newbridge Civic hospital

Bryce realizes that Tom may not know anything about this because he was in the hospital due to an upset tummy or gas. Tom tells him that he had a kidney stone. Bryce wonders if Tom went to Newbridge General, but he actually opted for Newbridge Civic. Bryce heard that Civic was monstrous, and Tom says that it was weirdly understaffed for a hospital of that size. Tom kept ringing an old-fashioned bell on the counter like he was in an old hotel. Bryce says it sounds like something out of Marcus Welby, MD. Tom compares it to going into a stationery store and ringing the bell to get attract some attention from the hidden storekeeper. He says that someone eventually came down after a 35 minutes of dinging. Bryce imagines that the wait would have been even more troubling if Tom had a really bad upset stomach. Tom tells him that it was really bad. Bryce wants to know if it's true that Newbridge Civic has a jai-alai arena in their sports medicine department. Tom doesn't know anything about that, but he thinks it sounds plausible in terms of available space. While it would be an odd feature for a hospital, Tom thinks it could be used for advanced forms of physical therapy. Bryce says he'll check out their website for more information and apologizes for getting so far off-topic.

Bryce gets back on track and starts to fill Tom in on the hooliganistics that transpired during Colonial Days. He thinks it's sort of ridiculous that there are two per year, but the town really loves it. At the event last September, Keith Kincaid, Tom's satanic neighbor, won "Best Powdered Wig". Tom and Bryce give listeners a little background on the event, noting that people can churn their own butter and dress in up traditional period garb. While costumes are not required, Bryce mentions that you are looked on in favor if you don some breachers and knickers. Colonial Days also features food vendors, and this time around Werner and Rutager operated a funnel cake stand. Bryce asks Tom to guess what the duo mixed in with their liberal sprinkles of powdered sugar on every funnel cake. Tom gets it right: coke. Tom thinks this covert drug-delivery method is terrible. Bryce says that they made their cart look just like a little ski lodge and gave it the unsubtle name of "Das Blow Bar". Despite flaunting it with fairly obvious visual and text clues, Bryce says that nobody really caught wind of what they were doing. The counter was made of four welded-together railroad rails.

Barry Dworkin and Chet Thompson torment a gold-encrusted Pablo Fontana in the Colonial Days chillout room

In order to hook festival attendees, Werner and Rutager offered the first funnel cake for free. After people tasted the sweet nose candy, they kept coming back to demand more and more funnel cakes. Bryce says that they were instantly addicted to the powerful, Keith Richards-grade product that was sprinkled on subsequent funnel cakes. The scene became an "insane madhouse" after Bishop Pablo Fontana started sampling the funnel cakes. Fontana is known as the "pop-culture pontiff" because he weaves his vast knowledge of entertainment -- e.g., the names of all the players on the current season of The Apprentice -- into his sermons. He was so in the thrall of the funnel cakes that he actually ended up stabbing Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian to get his cakes more quickly. Bryce says that the only police presence on the scene was Officer Harrups, who was taking his traditional vow of strict Colonial living for the duration of the festival. For three days, Harrups transports himself back to the stone age to completely immerse himself in a world devoid of any modern trappings. He is without his walky-talky and radio, so he has no way to efficiently communicate with other law enforcement personnel. Bryce says that Harrups was forced to try to maintain order armed with only an old musket and a quill. Without any proper tools, the not-so-hot fuzz resorted to running around and yelling, “Stop or I’ll shoot ye!”. Bryce isn't sure if this is even an authentic warning for the period, but the infantryman did repeat it 30 times. Tom says that if Harrups was going to violate any tenet of living in Colonial times, he maybe should have violated the rule that forbid using a police-issued firearm and a walky-talky.

Bryce reports that Harrups did manage to get one musket shot off at Rutager, but he missed the German mark. He did strike that poor kid Pudge right in the calve. Bryce ran over to help him, but Pudge was very vague about whether or not he was okay. Bryce got infuriated with him. Tom has had the same experience in his conversations with Pudge, who refuses to own anything. Bryce says that Pudge wasn't entirely sure if he got shot and said "and stuff" 50 times. It became hypnotic and also incredibly annoying, so Bryce just walked away and let Pudge have at it. He couldn't figure out what Pudge's deal was, but he knew it wasn't for him. Meanwhile, Werner and Rutager continue to rake in the cash because it's taking an eternity for Harrups to reload his musket. The bumbling lawman kept dropping his powder horn, not to be confused with a horn hat like those Vikings wore. All of the children were laughing at the Harrups, who became mad and started yelling profanities back at them. Bryce says Harrups is not exactly an imposing figure in his powdered wig, knickers, and stockings. Pandemonium starts to break out as all the gakked-out Newbridge residents are screaming and yelling. Some Cub Scouts informed Harrups that the f-bomb didn't exist during Colonial times, so technically he couldn't use it. As they are catching him in an inconsistency, they are poking him in the bottom with his quill. Bryce says the scene was hilarious and expects that it will eventually show up on YouTube. He also thought it was terrifying because it was essentially a big coke frenzy.

At this point, a huge, muscle-bound guy takes the musket and wraps it around the head of Harrups just like in one of those cartoons. Bryce says there was a photo of the incident on the front page of the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald. The guy who did the deed was identified as Horse from The Jock Squad, Radio Hut's in-house technical support crew. Tom says that he's spoken to Horse, and Bryce says that he seemed weird. Tom says he’s very intense. Horse then made Officer Harrups eat his own powdered wig as part of a four-course meal. The other courses included his stockings, his ruffled shirt, his breaches, and his underbreaches. Bryce says it was sick. Things got so out of hand that the Old Westbridge branch of the National Guard had to come in and restore order. Bryce thinks the event will become one of those amazing stories that will be handed down from generation to generation. Tom is very disappointed that he missed all the excitement. Bryce says it's the kind of thing that only comes along every 100 years like back on August 17, 1914 when Cyrus Dalrymple I ascended to the heavens, twirled his handlebar mustache, and did a backflip in front of all the people of Newbridge. Tom wasn't around for that one either, and Bryce wishes there was photography back then to capture the historic moment. Tom thinks photography actually did exist at that time. Bryce disagrees.

Bryce says that Werner and Rutager were able to escape, possibly to Port Newbridge to get on a (das blow?) boat. The damage was already done as they put many people under the spell of The White Lady. Bryce estimates that 70 percent of Newbridge are currently residing at Newbridge Acres, where there is not a single empty bed. Tom says that explains things. He went to Newbridge Commons the other day and The CD Submarine, Radio Hut, and the Pancake Promenade were all closed. Bryce says that Radio Hut owner Craig Cooper was his roommate at Newbridge Acres. He discovered that he was a very trying guy to be around. Craig took over the Radio Hut chain after his father, Jeff, was put on a barge and pushed out to sea. The famed geneticist Adolf von Trimble is also there. Tom knows his son, two-inch racist Timmy von Trimble. Adolf made Timmy appear in 1972 after an anti-aging experiment went horribly awry.

The facility is also currently home to Keith Garfinkle, a power forward for the Newbridge Redfaces, former Ye Olde Burger Barn proprietor Augie Richards, disgraced Survivor contestant Reggie Monroe, and Tom's co-worker, Darren Ploppleton. Tom never knew Darren's last name. Bryce doesn't blame him for keeping it under wraps, and he asked Darren why his descendants ascendants forefathers didn't alter the weird surname. Bryce says the question brought out some of Darren's family pride. Darren told Bryce that he and Tom are in a band called The Consolidated. He believes that Tom ruined the band because he didn’t have the stones to quit Consolidated Cardboard and dedicate himself to music. Tom considered it "hobby rock" for a corporate talent show, but Darren said the dissolution of the band was one of his great life regrets. Kim Dalrymple, Darren's girlfriend and The Consolidated's tambourine player, is also at Newbridge Acres. In keeping with the musical theme, Bryce says that cocaine addiction also struck all the guys in White Tyger and Sheila Larson, the ex-wife of rock star Corey Harris from Mother 13. Bryce isn't sure if Harris is dead or alive. Tom tells him that Harris called the program from a hospital in Kathmandu after he pulled some stupid stunt.

Bryce says that he's dating Sheila, and they plan to live together once he straightens out the deed to his lean-to in the woods behind Newbridge Commons. Tom is pleased to hear Bryce in this coherent, balanced state. Bryce says that a lot of people are making it through to the other side, including some who are in a wing reserved for people who are not grappling with the Bolivian problem. The embattled Judge Montgomery Davies is in the non-coke wing, and Bryce says he tried to fashion a device out of a roll of toilet paper, a deflated soccer ball, and a power chord to a Pot 80 Porta-Ghetto. Craig Cooper brought the Porta-Ghetto in for nighttime dance parties to relieve tension. Bryce says that the staff seals them in at 6 p.m. before they leave and return at 9 a.m. the next morning. Tom thinks the lack of 24/7 professional supervision sounds dangerous, but Bryce says there are no substances around, so they are just talking things out, having fun, and dancing. Unfortunately, there's one guy who always ruins it by complaining about the music choices. He's actually there right now, and he comes on the line.

It’s Zachary Brimstead, Esq., and he wants to know who he's talking to. Tom says he's on a WFMU radio show. Brimstead now remembers Tom as the boy who had the high school radio show. Tom tells him it's not a high school station, but Brimstead says it sounds like it. Tom reminds him that he's hasn't even been listening. Brimstead tells Tom that he can't talk to him like that because he’s the new spokesperson for the Barbizon Modeling Agency. Tom wonders why any agency would hire him, let alone an established outfit like Barbizon. Brimstead says he's employed by the Barberzon Agency, which specializes in placing barbershop singers in print ads for model airplane products. He vows that once he gets out of Newbridge Acres, he will rule the roost because he overcame his addictions to cakes, candies, candied cakes, and shoe-based pornographies. He begs Tom not to judge, but Tom can't resist judging him. Brimstead becomes disgusted with Tom and tells him to shut up and go away. Brimstead leaves to give birth to a Gentlemen's Agreement fan and signs off with “Late”. Bryce returns and says he will die happy if he never comes in contact with Brimstead again. Tom calls ZB the bane of his existence.

Bryce says there is a new nurse who stays behind at night at Newbridge Acres to make sure everything is fine. He's a great guy named Wilhelm, who is just off the boat at Port Newbridge. He hails from the old country, possibly Austria. Bryce thinks he's super nice and describes his look as kind of like Herman Rarebell from The Scorpions but with much longer hair and the bushiest gray mustache you've ever seen in your life. The color of the mustache clashes with his pitch-black locks. Tom thinks that sounds like a troubling image. Bryce says Wilhelm has been sharing a folk remedy that has everyone at Newbridge Acres calm and enjoying life. The remedy is an herbal compound in the form of a balm that is smeared on the lips like ChapStick. Bryce has only tried it a few times, but it gave him a very pleasing feeling. He says that after its applied, you feel like you're floating in the womb or space for a couple of minutes, and then you wake up 19 hours later feeling good. Wilhelm touts it as a natural relaxant, and Bryce says that everyone loves it. The balm has a weird, long German-sounding name, but Wilhelm just calls it "blue". Tom thinks "blue" sounds like a drug. Bryce says that while Werner can't legally sell the herbal remedy in a retail store, he plans to vend it out of the massive old deep fryer that has been sitting outside of the Ye Olde Burger Barn where all those rats used to live. Bryce thinks the fryer was actually the original Batter Butler buttle chamber. Tom has kept his distance from the Batter Butler circuit because he always thought the restaurant and its buttled fare were disgusting. Bryce was a fan of the food.

Bryce says that everyone will get released from Newbridge Acres tomorrow, and Wilhelm has assured them that he'll be open for business at 9 a.m. Bryce predicts that most people will start lining up at 7 a.m. to get their balm. Tom thinks it sounds like he’s swapping one drug for another drug. Bryce is convinced it's good stuff, and he thinks he can get Tom a sample of "blue". Tom is not interested in trying it, but Bryce spots Wilhelm and asks him for some blue anyway. He then slathers some "blue" on his lips, emits two quiet, mildy-stoned "oh man"s, and falls asleep. Tom is bracing for the new, mysterious Newbridge drug epidemic and thinks it might be time to leave town.

- A nervous Seth Galifianakis is live in the studio to make (starts at 1:41) his radio debut. He asks Thomas if he allows shout-outs. Tom says he doesn't usually do them, but he lets Seth proceed if he has some people he wants to shout out to. Seth is visiting his aunt Susannah in Secaucus, and he just wants to do a shout-out to her and stuff because she is probably tuning into the show. He tells her "Hey", and Tom confirms that the shout-out was broadcast over the air.

Seth thinks that Tom plays a lot of weird music and wonders if he ever plays any music people know about. Seth asks Tom if he's familiar with Smash Mouth. Tom's heard of the band, and Seth says he likes "All Star", their smash hit that was featured in Shrek. Seth sings a snippet ("Hey, everybody get down now ...") and declares Smash Mouth his favorite group, along with Rascal Flatts. Tom recalls seeing Rascal Flatts frontman Gary LeVox on the Grammys and noticed that he looked like circa-1985 Larry Bird. Seth agrees that he does look like a slower version of Larry Bird.

Seth wants to know if Tom has any new INXS featuring the singer they found on the reality television show after their former singer had sex with a car ("auto-erotic fixiation"). Tom doesn't think the new INXS record is in the WFMU library. Seth keeps trying to find some common musical ground with Velvet Revolver, the supergroup with the guy who does all that heroin and stuff. Seth is not into that drug scene, but he likes their music. Seth knows that the band features one guy from Guns 'N Roses, but he can't recall the other members' origins. Tom tells him it's a few GNR guys and the guy from Stone Temple Pilots. Tom wonders if VR is representative of Seth's musical interests. They are, and he also likes Korn. Seth says he was initially drawn to the band because they spell their band name with a "k". This suggested that they were wild and different, and Seth is always trying to seek out that kind of music and stuff. Seth thinks Tom might want to take a cue from him and start mixing it up a little more.

He also likes some of the newer stuff that the Oak Ridge Boys are doing. Tom didn't even know they had new material. Seth just saw them in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and they played a lot of new songs in addition to classics like "Elvira". Tom wants to know if the one guy with the big beard is still in the band. Seth confirms that Daddy Clampett is still bringing it. Tom calls Clampett the Bowzer of the Oak Ridge Boys - the lone weirdo amongst a clean-cut crew. Seth doesn't know who that is, so Tom tells him that Bowzer is the guy from Sha Na Na. Seth now remembers him from that old show where the guy would flex his muscles and stuff. Tom also remembers the 1970s show, which followed the antics of a 1950s greaser.

Seth says that his twin brother, Zach, told him that Tom is a writer/producer for the television program Monkey. Tom tells him that it's actually called Monk, and he doesn't talk about it much on the air. Zach thought it would be worthwhile for Seth to pick Tom's brain about how to break into the television industry. Seth is looking for opportunities to do some audio engineering, set design, or catering. Tom says that he's straying a bit from his side of the business. Seth says he's willing to work in any capacity because he's so enthralled by the entertainment industry. He watches Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight, and he gets the urge to be involved in a world where everyone is cool and stuff. Tom know exactly what Seth is talking about.

Seth lives in North Carolina, and he made the trek to New Jersey after he heard about his aunt's intentions to donate her 1989 Ford F-150 truck to a breast cancer society. Seth told her that he'd take it, so he and his wife, Sheila, took their Pontiac Fiero up here to hitch up the truck and take it back to NC. Seth says that his aunt never promised the truck to the charity, so they are not even aware of it. He's pleased that it has an AM/FM radio and a CD player. His aunt assured him that the AC and power windows are functional, and it also has a window in the back and a truck liner. The Fiero broke down twiced during the trip, so Seth's looking forward to a more reliable ride. He admits that it's pretty crazy to hitch a giant truck to a tiny Fiero, but he will do it anyway. Seth told the U-Haul guys about his plan, and they will latch up a suitable hitch tomorrow morning. Tom asks Seth why he doesn't reverse things and hook the Fiero to the truck. Seth says that is not possible because the truck lacks the requisite hitch.

Tom fears that the weight of the truck will put too much strain on the Fiero on the drive home, but Seth says he put some snow tires on the back. He also has some chains. Tom doesn't think those are necessary in April. Seth calls Tom "Johnny" because he apparently thought he was talking to the co-host of the "Johnny & Boogerstache" morning zoo program. Tom corrects him, and Seth says the chains are just part of his preparation for all possible complications. He doesn't think it will be that big of a deal since it's only an 11-hour drive (Highway 95 to 77 and then finish up on 40) to Wilkesboro, NC, which sits in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountain chain. Seth says that NC is definitely a red state, which isn't a problem since he's all for people of different mindsets.

Tom points out that Seth is most known via his brother, a stand-up comedian/actor who has attracted a minor following on the Interline. Seth says he honestly doesn't think anybody really knows about Zach. Since Zach couldn't make it to the studio tonight, he asked Seth to fill in for him. Tom's excited to have Seth on the show since he's seen some of his previous television appearances. Seth did Jimmy Kimmel Live twiced, and The Best Show is now the third-biggest thing he's done. Seth asks Tom if he had a good Easter, but Tom can't really remember how the holiday went down. He's already starting to get ready for Mother's Day. Seth had fun at Easter, and he kept telling the guests that while Jesus had risen, the biscuits had not. Tom laughs at the playful saying, but Seth says it was a completely accurate representation of the relative states of loft of the Lord vs. the biscuits he intended to serve for the meal. Seth tells Tom that Easter is a serious time, but he's willing to let Tom run things because it's his show.

Zach told Seth to visit the Entire State Building while he was in the city, so he was in a cab earlier in the day. His Arabic cab driver was named Foosball or Ping Pong or something like that. Seth asked the driver how to pronounce his name, and he responded with something that sounded like "Foosball". In addition to the interesting name, the driver sported a beard and a fancy hat. Seth attempts to do an impression of the driver saying, "Yeah, I do have an interesting name," but it is performed in a Southern drawl instead of anything close to a Middle-Eastern accent. Seth did not reach the summit of the Entire State Building, but he did have fun at the T.G.I. Friday's on the ground floor. He didn't see any reason to climb to the top to look at the city when Margarita Tuesdays® were right there for the taking. Tom asks Seth if he was curious to try some of the city's cuisine that he couldn't get back in NC. Seth says that Zach asked him the same thing, and he responded by asking if Manhattan had any Bojangles restaurants. Zach wasn't sure, but Foosball told Seth that there was one in was one Dubai, so he knew there would be one in NYC. He was curious to discover the differences between the Bojangles in his hometown and one in NYC. Seth actually met his wife at a Bojangles in Spartanburg, South Carolina, so it has a special meaning to him. He ended up finding a really cool Bojangles that employed an Indian-looking guy wearing a fancy shawl. Seth asked to take the gentleman's picture because he was not the kind of person you'd see at a Bojangles in NC. Seth is used to seeing Ricky, fellow churchgoers, and other people you might want to spend Christmas Eve with. His wife still works at Bojangles, so he knows a lot of staff. Seth refers to the employees at his local Bojangles as "incestuous", and Tom clarifies that it's the kind of place where everybody knows each other. Seth says that's correct, although there are a few cases of something else, too.

Seth's had a nice time in the northeast, but he's ready to jump on Highway 95 tomorrow morning and take the F150 back home. Before taking some calls, Seth mentions an exciting new appetizer he had last night during dinner with Zach. He asks Tom if he's ever heard of calamari. Tom has heard of it. Zach asked him if he liked calamari, but he didn't know what it was. Seth couldn't believe he was eating octopus, but he thought it was good. He was also introduced to yogurt. Tom could sort of see calamari not making the trip down 95, but he thought yogurt had achieved nationwide penetration. Zach ordered yogurt, and Seth thought it was good, too. He thinks it's crazy to be trying different foods and see all kinds of people that don't look like each other. Seth says he can't wait to get back because the tri-state area and Yankees in general have made him a bit sick. He doesn't get it, and he's had enough of it after 36 hours a day and a half.

- Saul Tompkins calls (starts at 1:58) from the "It's A Small World" attraction at Disneyland. He's been listening to the show on his blackberries, and he thinks it's delightful to hear Seth and Tom conversing with each other. Saul is visiting his twin brother in Los Angeles, and he took the opportunity to make his first visit to the Magic Kingdom. He's from Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, so he flew 3,000 miles across the country per the screen on the airplane. His brother is Paul F. Tompkins, who works in the entertainment industry, much like Seth's brother, Zach. Seth recognizes Saul's brother's name from Best Week Ever, the show where they talk about all that stuff that's going on in the entertainment business. Seth tells Saul that his brother is so funny on the show. He also wants to know if there's a Bojangles at that Disneylind. Saul hasn't found one yet, but he's eaten all manner of things throughout today, including a Latin American treat called "cahuro" -- basically just cinnamon dough with some sugar on top. Seth thinks that sounds good. He gets back to Best Week Ever by noting that he likes when they cut into Britney Spears and stuff. He wants to know how they come up with that stuff and who they are talking to when they say it. Saul tells Seth that he'd have to talk to Paul about that. Seth assumes that Saul asks his brother about that stuff because he asked Zach what it was like to work with Jake Gyllenhaal in Corky Ramano.

Saul says that his questioning focuses on trying to determine what makes Paul think he's so funny. He thinks he's much funnier than Paul, and Seth says everyone in the Galifianakis family wonders why he's not a stand-up comedian. They think Seth is sharp-minded and knows what is going on in the world, whereas Zach is just a drunken weirdo. Saul says that just from listening to Seth speak on this radio program, it seems like he has a lot to say and would probably be pretty wry. Tom has also detected a wry quality in Seth. Saul works as a librarian in the library industry, so Seth wants to know if he's familiar with the Dewey Decimal System. He sure is, and he thinks Melvil Dewey created the most efficient decimal system that anyone could ever ask for. Saul says that Dewey is one of his personal heroes, and he doesn't know why we haven't adopted his decimal system across the board. He's been circulating online petitions for years to get a carton of eggs reduced from 12 to 10. Seth doesn't think that's a bad idea. Saul says the reduction would yield a smaller carton to create more room in the refrigerator, and it's also easier to carry home. You'd also know how many eggs you had at all times. Tom thinks it makes sense, and he can see the relation because the egg riff is something that PFT might do. Saul isn't entirely sure where's Tom going, but if he means that he would say something sincere, and then Paul would make fun it, then Tom does indeed have a little window into their sibling rivalry. Saul makes it clear that his quest to reduce the number of eggs in a standard carton is not a flight of fancy at all. He wants to know if Tom thinks there is a downside to having only 10 eggs in a carton. Tom thinks it odds of enacting the change may be insurmountable, but Saul is confident that if he believes it can be done, things will take care of themselves with hard work. He's up to the challenge, and he thinks the rest of the country -- if not the world -- can get behind the important initiative.

Seth wants to know if Paul makes Saul watch all of his material at family reunions. Saul wishes he would wait for those occasions because he sends him everything Fed-Ex in various formats. He's running out of excuses for why he can't watch the appearances live. Paul e-mailed him something called a "podcast", but Saul deleted it because he doesn't own an .mp3 device. PFT constructs quizzes on the material, including trick questions, such as "What did you think of my blue tie?". Saul will tell him that he liked it because it brought out his brown eyes. Paul will then tell him that he was wearing a yellow tie to go with his blue eyes. Saul says this is a lie because Paul wears colored contact lenses. Seth says that Zach will sometimes try to keep on him on the top of his toes. While attending a family reunion in Newark, Zach drove around with Seth and asked random people how many blocks Times Square was. Seth didn't get it. Saul didn't get it, either. Tom didn't get it, either. Seth says that Zach later explained that since Newark and New York sound so much alike, he was trying to f with people. Seth thinks it's unfunny and embarrassing. Saul doesn't understand why showbiz types think it's their duty to make fun of people who aren't in show business, using them as fodder for their routines and skits. Saul will often see that look in Paul eyes when they talk, and he tells him not to put the content in a skit because he's entitled to his dignity.

Seth asks Saul if he likes any of Paul's spoofs. He's enjoyed some send-ups and a few blurbs, but overall he's not a fan of the PFT oeuvre. Saul's comedic up of tea is a good old-fashioned pun. He loves the fact that some words sound like other words and might be mistaken for each other. Saul says he's talking about words that sound exactly alike, not just similar like the subpar union of Newark/New York joke. He likes well-crafted puns because they take you on a joke journey where you end up at a different place than you think you started out at. Saul quickly apologizes for his dangling participle or preposition, but Tom didn't have a problem with it. Seth says he barely noticed it. Saul has made his way over to Mickey's Toontown, so the sound of a train is heard in the background. Saul says that Mickey, Goofy, and Pluto crack him up. Tom is also a fan of the Disney roster of characters. Saul thinks about all the hours of laughter he's had from watching the cartoons, and he's excited to see Mickey and his friends walking around. He's a big fan of Steamboat Willie, which is showing on the big screen at Disneyland, but mainly just loves the scenarios where Mickey triumphs over his frustration as everyone tries to confound him. Saul starts having trouble with his cell phone, and Seth decides to move on by announcing "Next caller!" like he's an old radio hand. Tom tells Saul that's he's welcome to take the Amtrak down from Philadelphia to get a taste of what it's like to be in the studio and provide listeners with some additional insight into the Tompkins clan. Saul thanks Tom for the gracious invitation and leaves to go catch the parade. Seth hopes to meet Saul face-to-face at some point, but for now, he really just wants to move on to the next caller.

Tom thinks that Seth and Saul probably would find a lot of common ground because they both have brothers with a modicum of fame, but they live a normal life. Seth is a high school football coach, and last season his Flaming Arrows finished with a 2-8 record because their quarterback and halfback got into some trouble. He's confident about the prospects for this coming fall season because of an eight-week offseason textile project. His wife works at the Macramé Hut, so Seth has the boys macrameing their uniform numbers onto stool seat covers to boost morale after a losing campaign. He's looking to turn that 2-8 into a 7-3. Seth's hoping that the macramé will lead to some extended pride in the team as they head into summer practices, but he is also concerned that some of the players will get carpal punnel turndrome from the macramé sessions. Tom thinks that the QB should probably go a bit easy on the macramé, and Seth says that he's #4, so he'll only have to complete one digit.

- Erika calls (starts at 2:15) to find out if there was any trauma in the womb that may have caused the divergent personality traits among the twins. Seth says that for the first 12 years, they had identical lives. As is often the case with twins, their mother dressed them the same (Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts tucked into khakis), but she decided to stop when they were five. Seth thought they should continue with matching wardrobe because that was their identity as brothers. Zach was receptive to the idea, and he even suggested wearing crazy "Who Farted?" t-shirts to various local events. However, things changed after Zach saw The Karate Kid. Zach realized that there were other things in life, so he wanted to go out and venture the world. Seth says he was content to just hang out with mama and continue working the square dances. Zach thought he was Ralph Macchio for six years after viewing of the film. This was the turning point, and then Zach purchased Prince's Sign 'O' The Times just when he started college. He became a Prince devotee and started dressing just like him.

Seth was with Zach when he saw The Karate Kid (they had just snuck out of Yentl), and he could tell something was different about him immediately after the screening. Zach would frequently quote dialogue from the film, wear a bandanna around his head, and look for an old, rundown pier to balance on. Seth thought it all seemed fake. He wanted his brother to wake up and realize that it was just a movie. Zach was deeply affected by The Karate Kid, but Seth was ready to continue doing the Seth & Zach show. For example, they used to always groove out to Huey Lewis & The News, but now Zach moved on to heavier stuff like the Spin Doctors. Seth couldn't relate to the hippified mindset of the Spin Doctors, but he was a sports/Sports fanatic. He invited Zach to a Miami Sound Machine concert because he used to love the band, but he said he wasn't interested. He wanted to attend the Morris Day and The Time show that same night. At this moment, Seth knew that Zach was gone. He found a new drug.

Tom wants to hear more about Zach's Prince-influenced clothes. Seth says he wore a lot of long coats, frilly gold lapels, and rings. Zach also befriended two girls who happened to be Wendy and Lisa. Seth tried to convince him that they were just two girls named Wendy and Lisa and not members of The Revoloution, Prince's backing band. Zach told him to back off because it was his life. He walked away and that was it. Seth says it was hard to see him go because they once shared an umbilical cord in the womb for years and years, and now the bond was severed. Tom can see how it would be difficult to see fractures developing in a fraternal relationship. He has a sister and three brothers, although he's not close to any of them. As a result, Seth can't draw a personal example, but Tom assures him that he has empathy for his situation. Seth is pleased to report that they did bond over the calamari last night. The dish helped them realize that despite their differences, they will always be twin brothers. They now know that they both like calamari in addition to a shared love of The Fugees. Tom thinks it's important to hold on to those touchstones. Seth's dream was to go to those twin conventions as a adult with Zach, but that will never happen. He makes up for it by dressing exactly like his wife. They will often wear State Fair t-shirts or a shirt featuring a picture of their Chow named Funyuns to church picnics. Seth feels that his wife has filled the void in his life after Zach left him.

- Josh in Miami calls (starts at 2:24) to get an update on Funyuns. Seth says that he's a little rickety and waggling around, but he's doing good. Seth tells Tom that he named the dog Funyuns because he loves to eat the onion-flavored snack rings. Funyuns eats mostly Funyuns, but on Sundays Sheila will give him some Vienna sausages. Seth tries to keep the flow going by signaling for the next caller because Tom's pace is a bit slow for him. He was expecting something more like a Z-Morning Zoo. Zach told him that Tom used a lot of sound effects.

- Andy, Dave from Knoxville's son, calls (starts at 2:26) to find out if he inherited some of his father's new clout as America's first Supercaller. Tom's answer is simple: no.

UPDATE: "I will try to keep my son off the air out of respect for the entire audience."

- Boner calls (starts at 2:26) to see if Seth remembers him from when they hung out back in December. Boner got Seth a big bag of Skittles for his show. Seth says that he loves Skittles, but he doesn't recall a "Boner". Boner says he got a bit concerned after seeing a Zach show at his university. At one point, Zach told Boner to check out his computer screen. It was displaying an e-mail featuring a very compromising photo of a girl who drove down to see the show. Since Zach has such a rabid, racy fanbase, Boner wonders if Seth attracts a similar demographic at his performances. Seth says he's not quite there yet. People do send stuff to his blog, but the site focuses on football stuff, such as defensive packages for the upcoming season.

Seth says that Zach must have forwarded the e-mail to their Uncle Scootie, who then passed it along to him. Seth asked Scootie if it was a picture of a woman who sent her privates to his brother. Scootie confirmed that it was, and he recommend that Seth check it out because said privates belonged to a good-looking woman. Seth said no thanks. Da-lete. Boner claims that one of Zach's favorite phrases is "You gotta get in on this", and he asks Seth if this is a childhood phrase they shared. Seth prefers to say "Flaming Arrows pride." He's not sure what Boner's talking about. Seth continues to keep the flow moving, and Tom asks him if he's ever considered doing radio work. Seth says he did some radio at the James Front Community College. He finds it powerful to talk to people without knowing where they are listening -- it could be their car or in grandma's basement as they shoot pool. He thinks it's nice to be able to reach out to people, and he's pleased to exclaim that the lines are lighting up.

- Unfortunately, one of them contains Blue Willie (starts at 2:29), who thinks it sounds like Chommy has Gomer Pyle FTD over in Jersey City. He's also interested in the whereabouts of Goober and Aunt Bee. While Blue Willie is loving this "Makravanak" cat, he still wants to know what's going on down there. Tom tells Blue Willie to lose the voice because he's not gonna sink on some kind of Imus ship. Blue Willie refuses and informs Tom that Redrum Richie gave him a chicken.

Seth wants to get Tom's take on the Don Imus controversy. Tom's support for the fired shockmeister has not wavered. He's confident that the strong and vital Imus will bounce back and extend his radio career another 20 years. Seth asks Tom how many times Imus has been on The Best Show, and Tom says none. I can't confirm this, but I'm pretty certain that Imus once called as "Kinky from Wyoming" to chastise Tom for not playing enough Americana and Gang Starr records. Seth thinks Tom should have him in to discuss the thing that happened. Tom would love to have him as a guest, and he asks Seth if there are a lot of Imus lookalikes roaming around in North Carolina: long, stringy hair, cowboy hat, a generally weathered exterior. Seth says he doesn't see a lot of cowboy hats, but he hangs out with guys who tuck their golf shirts into their pleated pants. He thinks the ensemble looks nice, especially when combined with a substantial sunburn. Seth says that Imus's cowboy garb would flag him as a renegade by the community. He believes that Imus's radio antics are in line with this image. Some of the things he's said made Seth say "What?", but he still thinks he's good.

- A caller from Steel City asks (starts at 2:33) Seth to take a wild guess on which Galifianakis brother will be the first to father a child. Seth isn't sure what to say because both he and Zach are very private people, but he is trying to conceive with Sheila. The process has proven difficult because Sheila says that the tarpoons she puts in contains toxins that are prohibiting the impregnation. Tom thinks the caller is a bit out of line for delving into personal business, and he decides to move on to getting a glimpse into a normal day in the life of Seth. Seth points out that things have been a bit different of late because he and Zach have been observing the Greek Orthodox celebration of the 40 days of Jesus rising at the expense of the biscuits.

Seth starts each day by jogging about two miles, immediately followed by his daily car wash. He likes to wash the car before he showers to avoid having to shower again after getting all the dirty suds on him. As part of his football coaching duties, he and Assistant Coach Jim Gross watch game films to scout opponents like North Arrowdale and Watsaga. Seth also works as a Driver's Ed instructor. Since the school year is coming to a close, Seth is already thinking about his plans for the summer. He's getting ready to build go-karts with his nephew so they can enter the Fun Run in Detroit, Michigan. Seth says he watches The View in the mornings even though he doesn't like that large lady. He does enjoy Becky Hasselback's support of the President. Seth says he's the first to admit that things aren't going too well, but he thinks it's time to lay off the guy. He thinks that George Bush seems like a decent man, and he calls Barbara Bush one of the most decent of human beings. Seth's hobbies include working on his blog and rollerblading.

He caps off the day by having dinner with Sheila at a really nice local restaurant called Captain's Table or Hardee's if it's Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, or Sunday. When they pull up to the Hardee's drive-thru, Sheila does a running spoof where she tries to order a breakfast item called the "Monster Biscuit" even though they stopped serving them nine hours ago. Seth believes that she really does want the biscuit, and he suspects they probably have an unused MB somewhere in the back. Tom thinks they could probably call ahead to arrange for them to hold a biscuit under the heat lamps until they arrived. Seth was hoping WFMU was equipped with wireless Internet so he could e-mail that idea to Sheila.

- Bernie steps into (starts at 2:38) the "Seth & Tom Sharping Show" to find out about Seth's favorite entertainment. Seth says that he enjoys The Apprentice and The Bachelorette on television, but he really loved Wild Hogs, starring that fat Scientologist and the colored guy who went crazy. Tom informs Seth that African-American is the preferred nomenclature for Martin Lawrence. Seth highly recommends this classic comedy to Bernie and Tom.

- A caller offers (starts at 2:39) a quick "story" about the Bojangles chain. In a nutshell, he used to pass a Bojangles when he went to visit his grandparents in Bristol, Tennessee. At some point, this Bojangles closed. The End. This non-story reminds Seth of an actual story that took place at Bojangles back in 1989 when he was dating Sheila. She was working as the Assistant Manager when a customer came inside after finding a fingernail in the straw he received at the drive-thru window. He produced the fingernail in question, and it matched Sheila's fingernail. Seth has a theory about what really happened. He suspects the customer spotted Sheila's elaborate fingernails (polka-dotted with zebra stripes, sparkles, and a final coat of blue), painted his own long nail to match, waited for it to dry, clipped it, stuck it through the straw, and then came inside to complete the ruse. Seth believes he does this at various Bojangles locations in attempts to get a free combo meal. Sheila believed him and gave him the desired combo. Seth couldn't believe she bought the The Grifters-inspired hustle.

The caller asks Tom if he plans to unleash the sound effects board to create a Morning Zoo vibe for Seth. Tom says it's upstairs in his locker, and Seth thinks it would have added entertainment value. Tom begins to feel the energy being pulled out of the show.

- Rachel wants to know (starts at 2:43) more about the youth ministry and youth chili cook-offs that Seth discussed in an interview on Zach Galifianakis - Live at the Purple Onion. Seth says it's important to focus on either the youth ministry or the chili cooking because it's difficult to take both of them in at the same time. He also recommends having the kids sit on the floor Indian-style for Bible readings to free their auras to better receive the wonderful messages within the Book. Seth says that you also have to deal with that one Reverend who's always breathing down your neck about taking too many camping trips. The key for Seth is to get to know the kids on their level. He tells Rachel that if she doesn't know about Blink 182 or Fall Out Boy, she needs to get schooled.

- Pat from Wisconsin calls (starts at 2:45) to find out if Seth will be performing in his state anytime soon. He and his wife accidentally went to his brother's show expecting to see Seth. Pat doesn't think Zach is funny, but he's been cracking up at Seth all night long. Seth says he doesn't try to be funny and stuff, and he certainly doesn't think Zach is funny. Seth had some questions for Pat, but Tom already dumped him to try to maintain the rapid pace that Seth had established for the show.

- Owen calls (starts at 2:46) to get a sample of one of pep talks Seth gives to rally the Flaming Arrows. Seth says it varies from game to game, so he asks for a specific score. Owen wants to hear what it would sound like if they were trailing 12-0. Seth obliges:

"Hey boys, take a knee. It's 12-0 out there. Whadda you think brought me to success? [insert smart-aleck remark from player(s)] Determination. Whadda you want outta laff? You wanna sit around and be nothin', or do you wanna beat East Wilkes High School? You want the girl in laff? Do you wanna a nice care in laff? Do you wanna be somethin' in laff? Anything in laff?"

Tom ruins Seth's rhythms and disturbs a dramatic pause to clarify that Seth is saying the word "life". Tom thought he was done with the talk, but Seth was just locking eyes with the boys. As he delivers the words, Seth says he will place one foot on the ridge of the chalkboard as he scrawls some Xs and Os to help them block their opponent's "flankback", which is a term Seth coined. He is the only high school football coach in Northwest North Carolina who talks about a flankback. Everyone else calls it a quarterback. The moment is lost, so Seth is unable to continue. Tom wants to know if Seth has a secret goal or desire outside of football, family, and showbiz. Seth reveals five wishes:

1. To own a pair of Puma cleats from every year of production.

2. To become a beekeeper.

3. To continue pursuing aero-engeneeric projects like competitive kite-flying.

Seth's dream is to get his kite high enough to tickle the engine of an American Airlines flight at its cruising altitude of 33,000 feet. He wants the passenger in seat 23B to look out the window and marvel at a kite still attached to its string that high up. Seth points out that it's important for 23B to be behind the wing so the passenger has more time to enjoy the kite and to avoid any kite tangling. He admits that it will take a lot of work to make this wish come true.

4. To stealthily learn Spanish so he can find out if all these Spanish people are talking about him at Hardee's.

Seth's favorite Spanish word is "aspiradora" (vacuum). If he's able to learn more words and discovers that Spanish people are calling him a fat jerk, he will respond by saying, "Large fries, Diet Dr. Pepper, and stop running your mouth like that. I'm an American. Go back to Portugal."

5. To win the state championship and make the move up to the punting coach at East Carolina State.

- A caller reminisces (starts at 2:54) about his days going over to Seth's Wilkes County to get beer because Yadkinville was dry. The caller's grandfather was a bootlegger, and he'd haul the juice over from Wilkes and sell it in Yadkin. He's related to the Forrester family who live up 18 North in Wilkesboro. Seth knows them -- his dad used to work for Jimmy and James Forrester up on 18 right near Sparta. The caller remembers Wilkes County being a scary and fun place when he was a kid. Seth says that's to be expected since it was the land of moonshine and the birthplace of NASCAR. He tells the caller that Junior Johnson has a mansion right off 421. Tom is not familiar with Johnson aka The Last American Hero. Seth says that Tom doesn't understand this stuff because he's from up near the Holland Tunnel.

- Charles, a newspaper man from North Wilkesboro, calls (starts at 2:58) to say he remembers when Zach delivered The Journal-Patriot. He says Zach was a good, funny boy. Seth wants to know if Charles still has that satellite dish in his front yard. Charles does not confirm or deny it.

Seth is really starting to loosen up, but the show is over.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: BLUE IS COMING!

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