"No. More. Room. On. The Bus. Bus left town, we're rolling out! Don't need you!" -- Tom, closing the doors on the non-believers
"Like The Black Lips enough to play something on Vice Records. That's a testament to how good The Black Lips are." -- Tom, supporting the band irregardless of their coke fiend employers
"I appreciate you saying that, but it ain't no mystery why you're an EMT, not a doctor." -- Tom on EMT Ryan blaming his severe pain on excessive rocking out
"Go to the doctor. DO IT NOW before it gets worse." -- Fred, dropping the voice and making it heard
"What instrument did Miles Davis play? Tuba?" -- Tom, trying to remember the jazzman's preferred instrument
"Evacuate? In my moment of triumph? Surely you underestimate the pain I was feeling." -- Tom, regretfully adapting a quote from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
"Let's go to Enid's, Kickball Lad. I need to go buy some cocaine." -- The White Belt, re-upping his Tall Bike Peddling Powder
"That's a food, you idiot." -- Tom, slamming a caller who brought an Indian dish to the Words I Hate game
"Yeah, that would be disgusting. Having a 19-year-old girl use a term of affection. Yeah, ewwww." -- Tom on a caller's rejection of Southern hospitaliy
"It's the last place you'd think you'd find The Steak Haters." -- Tom on his club's secret meetings at Peter Luger's
"She's gonna ask about bowel movements -- you're cool with that?" -- Evan on the nature of his wife's intended medical queries
"If somebody said, 'You rock, boss', I'd go postal." -- Tom on getting pushed over the edge by words people hate
"There's enough noise in this damn world." -- A grumpy caller, complaining about the beep-beeps of keyless access technology
"You know what else you should be mad at? Your time machine!" -- Tom, like, delivering a GOMP to a Jeff in Seattle for getting upset about Valspeak
"Thank you for your generous pledge. You better pay it, you cheap rat!" -- Tom, demanding that Paul from Staten Island pay his WFMU invoice
"You don't call a movie The Zodiac and then don't put Barry Sobel in it." -- Tom, lamenting the absence of the real Z-Z-Z-Zodiac
"I would have caught The Zodiac Killer if I was on the SFPD." -- Tom, cracking the case in the name of good cinema
"It probably picks up right where Fun House left off, right?" -- Tom on the new The Stooges record
"And how dumb is America by the way?" -- Tom, questioning the intelligence of a nation that sends Wild Hogs over the $100 million mark
"You are WROOOOOOOOOOOONG!" -- Tom on Kathy's attempts to trim an hour from The Zodiac
"Oh, I got cut off." -- A female caller complaining about something that didn't happen
"What? Really? Otis Thorpe is the root of all evil?" -- Tom, questioning a caller's claims that basketball forwards are the real Bad Guys
"Yes, the Holland Tunnel is disgusting, but I would still like to ride in one of those cars." -- Tom, trying to fulfill a life goal
"Hey, it's a free concert, but you're gonna need a new e-mail address!" - Tom, cautioning a caller about hidden costs of Ozzfest 2007
"You dig that deep because they care about you, and you care about them." - Tom, explaining to himself why he takes it to American Hero levels for his listeners
Mary Weiss - "Stop And Think It Over"
( Click here to buy Dangerous Game)
Hannah Montana - "Best Of Both Worlds"
( Click here to buy the Hannah Montana OST)
Dow Jones & The Industrials - "Ladies With Appliances"
( Click here to buy The Sound of Gulcher)
Times New Viking - "Teenage Lust!"
( Click here to buy The Paisley Reich)
The Swirlies - "Tree Chopped Down"
( Click here to buy Blonder Tongue Audio Baton)
Overwhelming Colorfast - "Every Saturday"
( Click here to buy Two Words)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are deck:
That's right, boys and girls, Omar's got his mojo back so it's time to do my recap thang. Gonna hijack a dictionary and really nuance the f out of this one. No more "ghetto recaps". This one's gonna be classic. I'm talking mad ridiculous. Danker than Spike's basement and Rutager's crippler. Headier than heaven. So sit back and enjoy my art, bitches!
Tom spins County Mounty's triumphant "Good Guys Win, Bad Guys Die" because he fought the status quo on the radio battlefield, slicing and dicing through the marathon like he was in front of a green screen on the set of 300. Tom, like Teddy Rock Star, kilt it. Since he did four marathon shows in two weeks (two Best Shows + two co-hosting gigs) and played the final set at The Hoof and Mouth Sinfonia finale, Tom is experiencing the onset of post-marathon illness. He stored it up for the pledge push, and now the body fails ye. Tom's in agony, and his memory is failing him, so he has to ask Mike the Associate Producer for the correct call-in number to avoid giving out home numbers over the air.
The Best Show was on fiyah for the marathon, and Tom has a message for people who still don't like the program: too bad. Not happy with Tom about something? Too bad. There's no more room on the bus packed with pledgers. It's SRO inside the bus. Still got some bones to pick? You guessed it: too bad. Tom doesn't want YOU. He just slammed the bus doors shut, and you're on the outside. There may be another bus coming along, but this one is headed for Newbridge without you. The program has no use for you, boss. Before Tom could leave the station, he starts to feel worse. He tries to hold it together, but then he realizes that he still has to talk for another 2:35. It could be a brutal knight. Tom takes a minute, and the bed music gives way to an Olivia Tremor Control twofer of "The Opera House" and "Jumping Fences". A wild trio follows: White Lion's cover of "Radar Love", No Doubt's second-wave ska smash "Spiderwebs", and Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing".
And then it happened. As Tom (nearly) wretched, Pangaea was fetched. He had to pull the bus over to the side of the road to ride out the pain.
Holy guacamole. Tom splashed some cold water on his face, and he's BACK. Still no room on the bus! He will tough it out. The jolly show must go on. Tom has shooting pains in his left-middle back and on his side. He was also feeling warm and clammy. Tom calls for any medical doctors in the audience to give him a proper diagnosis.
- Ryan, an EMT with the New York Foy-Uh Department, answers (starts at 1:20) Tom's call with a professional opinion on the cause of his ailments. He believes that Tom rocked too hard the other night. Tom's not too impressed with his so-called expertise. He appreciates the compliment, but it also indicates that it ain't no mystery why Ryan is an EMT instead of an actual MD. Ryan says he was being facetious, and Tom was just teasing him back. Ryan sees a lot of stomach stuff and gunshots to the head in his emergency work, and Tom says he was definitely not shot. He GOMPs Ryan for not sticking to the script and following his lead. Tom wants a serious take on the weird pain that took over the second quadrant of his back. Mike confirms that Tom was not faking. You can't fake the clammy sweat on the brow. Tom suspects he may be getting some kind of stomach virus. He vows to pull out the "W" a la Michael Jordan's legendary "The Flu Game" against the Utah Jazz on 6/10/97. Tom plans to make this the best-ever episode of The Best Show.
He gives Ryan another shot because helping out the people of New York makes him an American Hero. Tom tells him that he heaved a bit, has an achey body, and feels a bit woozy. Ryan asks him about the history of his kidneys, and Tom says he's never had any stones in there. Tom only has a low-grade fever at most, so Ryan says it could be the early stages of the flu. Ryan says that he sometimes drives the ambulance, which the EMTs call a "bus". Tom is excited to get a peek behind the curtain with this morsel of industry slang. Ryan reveals that it's the only thing lurking behind the curtain. He says that Tom could have learned the term from Joel Schumacher's Bringing Out The Dead. Tom tells Ryan that he's the best caller of the night. He's also the only caller. He redeemed himself.
- Fred from Queens calls (starts at 1:26) to tell Tom to visit a doctor. He's serious because it sounds exactly like the stomach flu he had for two weeks. He didn't have the Q2 back pain, but he vomited, ached, and was clammy and sweaty. Fred says everyone is down with this sickness, man. In order to legitimize his directive, Fred dropped his usual heroin-soaked "Fred" voice. He wants Tom to seek immediate medical attention before it gets worse, but he allows for an appointment tomorrow morning since Tom is currently doing a radio show. Fred hangs up on Tom.
- Tom Potter, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, calls (starts at 1:27) to take Tom to task for making fun of their plentiful local street garbage. Tom thinks the caller sounds a bit wishy-washy to be a mayor. Potter refers to some specific detritus that hangs out in front of the downtown CVS: Scuzz, Lerch, Skid, and Whisper. Tom wants to know if GOMP is part of this filthy contingent. Potter has never met a kid named GOMP, but he knows what it stands for. At this point, the mayor makes the only sensible move -- he unsheathes his sword and falls on it. Tom doesn't like that. He loves that. After witnessing this self-GOMPing, Tom wonders how much more heroic he can be. He requires little reflection before elevating himself to American Hero status.
- A caller wants (starts at 1:29) to know who played the clarinet in that long song that Tom can't stand. Tom tells him that it was Mr. Miles Davis, but he doesn't know about the clarinet because he's not Stanley Crouch. He says the album cover features the face of Miles Davis, so he assumed he was playing it. Tom doesn't even think the 90-minute jazz fusion piece contains any clarinet (it doesn't). He can't recall Davis's instrument of choice, but he thinks it might be the tuba.
- Tom digs out (starts at 1:30) a classic, old-timey topic because he's not going to break the seal on a blue-label topic when he's stuck in first gear after his spell. He points out that the cheap stuff can sometimes deliver a blast of low-end fun. There will be no Goldschlager tonight. The fiery, gold-flaked schnapps stays on the top shelf until next week unless Tom dies in the interim. Tom is Ready to Die just like Notorious B.I.G. He doesn't want to pass on, but he's ready. He's cast his fate, and he's seen enough exciting stuff in his life. If this is how The Kid goes out, this is how The Kid goes out. It's time for the Pabst! Blue! Ribbon! of Best Show topics: Words You Hate.
Tom starts things off with a medley of mal mots that Stephen King, one of the worst writers in the history of mankind, dishes out in his monthly, back-page "Pop of King" column in Entertainment Weekly. King uses his column space to weigh in on important topics such as Lost and all the terrible albums he loves. Tom detests his use of "thang" and "mojo", indicating that King thinks he's an outlaw in some Marlon Brando motorcycle picture. He also addresses readers as "kids" and "boys and girls". Tom refuses to use any words that King uses, so he's off "the" because he used it in the title of The Stand.
At this point, Tom makes it clear that by all rights, he should not be on the mic right now. He's in agony, and if there was another DJ on the premises, he would have gone right to the hospital per Fred's recommendation. Then again, Tom can't imagine evacuating the studio in his moment of post-marathon triumph. After referencing the Governor Wilhuff Tarkin line from Star Wars, Tom realizes that he's sick of Star Wars. He thinks it's time to retire the franchise as a cultural reference point. The bottom line: too many people still living with the living by Star Wars rules in life.
- Matt in East Orange
07078 07073 07017* calls (starts at 1:35) to offer "nuance" as a verb. He hears it all the time despite not working as an Ad man. Matt's not sure if the user is asking him to define something more clearly or add a detail. He also doesn't like people who say "weary" instead of "wary" or "leery". Tom currently fits the definition of all three words.
*You know Tom is not feeling well when he misfires twice on a zip.
- Chris calls (starts at 1:36) to put his local deli proprietor in the hate pit for calling him "boss" with a condescending smirk. Tom points out that it always comes off as an insult because people only say it to people who are not their actual supervisor in a work setting. They are essentially telling you that there's no way on Earth they could ever work for you, but the power dynamic would be hilarious in theory.
- A caller says (starts at 1:37) that he hates the terrible term "World Music", a catch-all for anything that's not rock 'n roll music. Tom agrees and wants the new category to be called "Non-Rock". Our old friend Mary B from Albuquerque would not be pleased.
- Steve aka The Prince of Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:38) with two entries: "portion" (doesn't like the way it comes out of anyone's mouth) and "kicky" (as in "kicky boots"), his least-favorite fashion adjective. The PoB says his territory is quiet tonight, and Tom asks him if he ever stands on the top of a building and looks down at Brooklyn like Batman. He does not, but the question leads Tom to wonder what an actual Brooklyn superhero would be like. The PoB imagines it would be someone riding a Tall Bike while on rent strike. Tom comes up with two creatures: Kickball Lad and his drug-addled sidekick, The White Belt. Kickball Lad would shoot kickballs at villains from atop his Tall Bike with The White Belt serving as a weapon for more substantial foes. In Tom's comic universe, The White Belt would frequently ask Kickball Lad to stop at Enid's so he could buy some cocaine. Tom thinks the duo's primary nemesis would be some New Jersey bridge-and-tunneler.
- A caller says (starts at 1:41) he doesn't like "melusha", an Indian word for fried rice mixed with beans and curd. Tom calls him an idiot for citing a food.
- A caller says (starts at 1:41) he hates the use of "dank" and "heady" to describe something that's good instead of bad. Tom asks the caller if he writes for Wine Spectator, which elicits a background laugh from the caller's female companion. He's GOMPed.
- A caller expresses (starts at 1:42) hatred for the word "ghetto" when used to describe anything makeshift or shoddy. Tom thinks the people in the ghetto have it hard enough and should not have to endure rich kids referring to a "ghetto" .mp3 players.
- Jonah from NYC Manhattan Upper West Side, 81st, behind New Riverside calls (starts at 1:43) to say that he gets freaked out when a 19-year-old waitress calls him "Honey" at Southern diners. Tom can understand that being subjected to a 19-year-old girl using a term of affection would be a disgusting event. He GOMPs this Richie Rich Tenenbaum.
- Daniel, a 14-year-old from Lower Manhattan, calls (starts at 1:44) to stick it to uptown NYCers. He also hates "itch" used as a verb and the way "grumpy" sounds. He's a lifelong New Yorker, and he especially likes the cuisine the city offers. However, he doesn't care for steak, which is either European or American fare. Tom tells Daniel that steak is as American as it gets, and he's not a fan, either. Tom wants to start a club with Daniel called The Steak Haters. The members will wear jackets with Steak Haters embroidered over the crest and "What part of 'We don't like steak' don't you understand?" across the back. Daniel thinks it's cool. The meetings will be held at Peter Luger's in the name of ironic undercover. Tom tells Daniel that he'll see him at the next meeting.
- A caller says (starts at 1:46) he hates when assembling a lineup for a music festival is referred to as "curating". Tom points out that these so-called curators are simply booking bands just like any other slob. He hates the word and the notion. He compares it to DJing -- it's giving an important title to something that's barely doing anything. Tom believes the role of the curator is basically writing down their favorite bands and getting someone else to see if Slint will reform to play at their tomorrow party.
- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 1:47) to face the harsh reality of his disgraced Supercallerdom. He was riding high for a few weeks until he turfed out and became lower than even a regular caller. Evan says he thought about using an alias ("Bill from Bloomfield") to avoid the humiliation of his demotion. Evan wants to get back to the top of the mountain, and he holds medical attention over Tom's head like a carrot to keep him on the line for eight minutes. He says his wife will be home soon with some non-virtual advice for Tom's pain.
He hates the words "supercaller", "postal", and "virtual". Evan doesn't like the overuse of "postal" to indicate any kind of wild rampage, rather than just mayhem actually taking place within the confines of an actual U.S. Post Office. In March of 1995, Montclair was struck by one of these legit postal sprees. Evan points out that the term used to have meaning, but now people will "go postal" just because their coffee's cold or Dame Lola ran out of the white chocolate truffles. He's skeptical of anything dubbed "virtual", such as "virtual medicine", because it might address your problem, but it probably won't. Evan craves things that are tactile and real, but now everything slips through the Internet or over the phone.
Tom concludes that he and Evan were not constructed to exist in the modern world. He serenades the fallen Supes with a bit of "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times". Evan says his wife will ask some personal questions to properly assess Tom's suitability for acupunctural remedies. He indicates that one topic will be the state of Tom's bowel movements. Tom says he will keep things clean because he's not doing a porno radio program. In order to avoid any literal toilet talk, he'll spin the Miles Davis record again and talk to her off-air. Tom moves Evan slightly up the ladder on his quest to work his way back up. He dropped all the way to "Ratso" Rizzo status, but now he's a little bit higher.
- Stephen in brisk Chicago calls (starts at 1:51) to say that he's infuriated when people refer to his city as "Chi-town". He also doesn't like "rock" as a verb, as in "you rock". He finds it condescending because people will often claim that you "rock" after completing some incredibly menial task like fetching a package.
DS. This happens all the time in Corporate America. For example, I have often been referred to as a "wizard" because I managed to properly format an MS Word document. What's really going on with this kind of s is that Authority Figures are attempting to remain blissfully ignorant of how to complete simple tasks by assigning magical or "rocking" powers to the slobs who do the actual work. I think it's rarely an intentional attempt to be sarcastic. It may be sad and annoying, but it's generally sincere. They are simply so out of touch with reality that, in their diseased head, the only possible explanation for creating a pivot table in Excel is supernatural powers. Though to be fair, I almost always wear a conical hat and a long, flowing purple robe to work. The wand and scepter probably don't help matters, either. And I had a Harry Potter glasses phase, but didn't we all? Still, I mean, is it really that hard to insert a page break? The worst is when you actually do rock, and nobody effing cares. I once brought my guitar to work so I could perform the Wayne Perkins guitar solo from Black And Blue's "Hand Of Fate". Not a single person told me I rocked, and some ash ole actually filed an HR complaint. I consulted my copy of Cards As Weapons and sliced his juggler with the 7d. I then hovered over him and finished the job with a Js/Qs/Ks/As to the chest.
Tom says that he would go postal if somebody said, "You rock, boss." Stephen also hates the term "spinning", which really means that someone is playing 14 records from their collection as they get drunk in a bar. Tom has no interest in driving across town to watch someone hook up their laptop so they can run iTunes through a club's sound system.
- A caller says (starts at 1:54) he despises all the stupid clicky noises people make when they open or close their car doors. He wants people to lock or unlock their vehicles in silent mode because there's enough noise in this damn world. Tom GOMPs him for jacking Ed Anger's stylee. He does not expect the average consumer to be able crack open their keys and insert a new microchip like they're Steve Wozniak to appease the crapabbles out there.
- Bonnie calls (starts at 1:55) to say she doesn't like the word "retard". She works with special needs people, so she's especially sensitive when her friends casually use the term to assign a general state of stupidity/lameness instead of an actual medical disability. Tom agrees with Bonnie 1,000%, and she overtakes Ryan the EMT as the Caller of the Night
- Fred returns (starts at 1:56) with four words:
2. Random (Drug Test)
4. Encore, i.e., the new way of saying repeat on television (NBC has taken it to a new level with their The Office "newpeats")
Fred's climbing out of the turlet. He showed concern for Tom's health and then nailed the topic. He came in, and then he quickly went out. Is Fred the next Paycheck? Could he achieve Supercaller status? Maybe the extended exposure to the fusion jazz altered his brain chemistry.
- Other Cleveland Jonah, aka The Good Jonah, aka The Glengarry Jonah calls (starts at 1:57) to condemn the misuse of "literally" to refer to something that is exceedingly figurative. He gives the example of someone claiming that a long car trip required a year's worth of driving to reach the desired destination.
- A caller debuts (starts at 1:58) his "lasagne sketch", and Tom quickly GOMPs him. He believes the material is more appropriate for a performance in the caller's backyard, where the neighbors can pay 25 cents and his parents can stuff $5 in the money box to make him feel like a comedy bigshot. I'm pretty sure this caller was Reginald.
- Dan in Kearney calls (starts at 1:59) to commiserate with Tom -- he's also feeling ill with some kind of stomach flu. (He spares listeners the grisly gastro-intestinal details.) His hate-word is irregardless. I think anyone who uses this word should be charged with a felony and thrown in the Butt Hut for at least six months. He's also not a fan of businesses that name themselves Millennial, but omit the second "n". Dan doesn't think it's a good idea for a business to advertise their bad spelling skills to the world. Finally, he's against people who use apostrophe's for plurals. He saw a sign that had two plurals, one with the apostrophe and one without. Tom would not shop at any place that had such signage. He knows it would be bad merchandise if their signs contain bad grammar. I just thought of a kicky alternative title for this recap: Eats, Shooting Pain & Leaves.
- Mo in Rochester, NY, calls (starts at 2:01) to reprimand people who refer to her as "doll". She allows for two exceptions: diner waitresses and men older than 70. She works at a bookstore where middle-aged men and guys in their late-20s call her "doll". Tom thinks it's weird and gross. He believes these men should save that kind of talk for The Club. Mo says the goons say it in a voice that's more Joey from Friends than Humphrey Bogart as they buy their laddie magazines or The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Tom imagines one of these dirty crettens calling Mo "doll" when they ask for the new issue of FHM with Tara Reid on the cova. The bottom line: Tom feels her pain.
- A caller says (starts at 2:02) he hates the use of "mad" as an adjective indicating a large amount. For example, "He's pumpin' mad weight." Tom hears him, but he doesn't trust him, so he cuts him short before he could hang himself with a goofball routine.
- Jeff in rainy, dark, and miserable Seattle calls (starts at 2:03) to complain about the excessive use of "like" by Valley Girls. Tom thinks he should also be mad at his time machine and GOMPs him. The bottom line: it's too late to rehash that drowning dialect. As Tom continues to transfer his old VHS tapes to DVD, he found a copy of
- Listener JJ from Omaha calls (starts at 2:05) to add the abused and overused "art" to the list. Since everybody thinks they are an artist of some sort, the definition has been blurred. JJ says that he's an artist, and his work includes making video games and painting. Tom is initially confused about how someone who makes video games could be mad at other people calling themselves artists. JJ says he considers the video games commercial work and illustrations. He dodges Tom's bullet!
A bit later in the program, Tom says that the term is not overused when it comes to describing Mike the Associate Producer's screening process. He compares his work to conducting like Zubin Mehta in front of a Minority Report-esque console.
- A female writer requests (starts at 2:07) Tom's help in deciding how to spend the money she just received from a NJ State Council on the Arts grant. She says that the NJSCotA has guidelines that cite the authorized expenditures. For example, you can use the money to pay rent, but you can't buy anything over $300 that is considered "equipment". You can buy dog food, but you can't buy cat food. She plans to write a novel about a family growing up in 1970s New Jersey and their reaction to the oldest son in the family being a POW. Tom points out that this reminds him of his one-man show called Dutch. The piece examines how the titular character, a Vietnam vet from the 109th battalion, deals with his increasing disillusionment with right-wing politics as he toils away at a Muffler Row repair shop. The caller wants to know if Dutch randomly tries to strangle people because that's what her uncle did when he returned from Vietnam. Dutch doesn't do that. Tom tells her that he's estranged from his daughter and was a big Republican until Bush soured him on the party. Tom tells the caller that he'll be doing his show, which is being funded by an $800,000 MoveOn grant, at the Paper Mill Playhouse in Millburn, NJ. Here gives her a tease: the show starts with Dutch being startled by the audience, who he believes are intruders in his residence.
The caller wants to know if Dutch is an acid casualty. Tom says he did heroin in Vietnam, and "All Along The Watchtower" plays in the background every time he talks about the war. As the song plays, footage of bombs falling on Dutch will be projected behind him. The sounds of choppers will be lifted right from a Pink Floyd record and thrown into the mix. The caller wants to get back to Tom's advice for her financial prize. He knows exactly what she should spend the money on: tickets for Dutch. Tom wants her to spend her $7,500 to buy out the Paper Mill for a performance of Dutch. Since the night is such a downer, Tom took a page from the Grease handbook and curates a
Vietnam Dance Party after the show featuring the music of the 1960s. "Magic Carpet Ride" is the third song of the set. The callers mentions the afterparty for Max Fischer's opus Heaven and Hell in which the backstage area was dressed to look like military barracks. Tom doesn't have the money to pull something like that off.
- Patrick in Jersey City calls (starts at 2:13) with a word that came to his attention via the Kevin Smith & Scott Mosier podcast. Tom hopes it will be "smodcast", the clever mash-up title of this weekly filthfest. In fact, it's Kevin Smith go-to word: "whatnot". He uses it as a filler when he realizes that he doesn't know what he's talking about. He uses it a lot. It's Kevin Smith's third favorite word behind s and f. Also close: cat. Tom wants to know what Patrick thinks of the Smodcast. He says there are a few interesting moments, but it's mostly just painful, profanity-laced, and unfunny. Tom wants to make sure that he's talking about the same Kevin Smith that he's familiar with. Patrick is pretty sure that it's the same guy who directed Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Clerks II. Tom was going to check out the smodcast, but then he realized that he's getting too old to live on a diet of things he hates as his exclusive fuel source. The occasional dose is fine, but he doesn't want to consume 11 helpings of Super Troopers before seeing something he likes. Tom wants to try to hold himself to a higher standard.
- Paul from Staten Island calls (starts at 2:15), and Tom's not even up to teasing Paul about Hylan Boulevard. However, he can't resist mentioning Sedutto's. Tom thinks he should get some free food for all the (mocking) advertising he's done for them in the past year. Paul thinks Tom has mentioned Sedutto's more than anyone in the history of radio. Tom says he's mentioned it more than even Mr. Sedutto. Paul last ate at Sedutto's last summer, when he got a
Hebrew National shake after a trip to Jim Hanley's. Tom wants to know if the people in the Jim Hanley universe know how much Tom talks about their store. Tom thinks he should be able to walk in there and take any comic book he wants. He thinks he could pull it off because the employees are too busy arguing about the recent death of Captain America. He thinks you could walk into the store looking like Steve Buscemi and walk out looking like Walter Hudson without attracting any attention. Paul reports that Marvel is pretty serious about the death lasting seven months. Who needs Captain America? The only superhero I need is Skillet Man.
Paul doesn't like when people use "ridiculous" as a superlative. A friend saw a bad band and told him the show was ridiculous. He didn't know what she meant. Tom wonders what he and Paul are gonna do about this by singing a snippet of The Clash's "Clampdown".
[A bit more of the awesome sounds of Miles Davis as Tom recoups for the final half hour]
There are 36 minutes left. Tom's throat is tightening. He could shut the mic off and close out the show with the rest of Pangaea, but he can't be stopped. It could be his last show ever, so he wants to go out on a high note. He's not going out like a chump. You can take Tom down easily, but not that easily.
- Tom talks (starts at 2:25) about his trip to the movies the other day. He couldn't get snag a ticket to see national sensation Wild Hogs. He was on standby for two shows. Finally, he opted for a thriller called The Zodiac. He bought his ticket and settled in. (I assume he also spent a half hour helping Ms. Barberie negotiate the butter pumps.) Tom had two issues with the film. For starters, it's running time is 4.5 hours. Secondly, Barry Sobel was nowhere to be found. Tom knew it was a drama, so he figured Sobel was getting ready to spread his acting wings. He's not even in it for a minute. The film is totally Sobel-free. Tom was furious. He thinks the failure to cast Barry Sobel is a disgrace. Tom issues a spoiler warning, but since the film is based on the real-life Zodiac case, he's not too concerned.
His main beef with the film is that they don't even catch the guy. There's a big standoff, but no resolution. Tom thinks they should have caught the guy in real life, so they could catch him in the movie. Unlike the lazybones on the SFPD, Tom would have caught the killer to improve the eventual film adaptation. As we all know, David Fincher is certainly not one of Tom's favorite directors, but he did it. He made a movie Tom likes despite the lack of Sobel. Tom's pain resurfaces as he feels like he's getting punched in the side.
Prior to the feature presentation, Tom saw a trailer for Grindhouse, which leads to the final topic of the program: Come On, Guys. Tom recalls the time when Quentin Tarantino made actual movies, not tributes to the awful movies he likes. Tom wants to know when he'll start making new movies again instead of films that ask to be applauded for squeezing in a reference to Spike favorite I Spit On Your Grave. Tom can't believe that QT and Robert Rodriguez have the audacity to put Grindhouse in front of us in 2007. Tom doesn't remember those terrible movies because they were terrible and he didn't watch them. He avoided these atrocities. Tom's not interested in a tribute to the bad movies nobody wants. Tom compares the project to the absurdity of someone trying to make a comedy that was a re-imagining of Scavenger Hunt or Fatso on steroids.
Tom admires Rodriguez for building an entire junk industry like Ron Popeil with a pile of garbage that includes Sin City and the Spy Kids franchise. Tom's still waiting for RR to make a decent film instead of one that happened to be made cheaply in his Austin studio. Tom's not getting a piece of the profits, so he just wants him to shoot it in a way that yields a good movie. Tom can also tell that RR wrote the scripts and all the music.
Mike's COG is March Madness. He hates that it's all compressed into this intense, monthlong period. Tom doesn't care about college basketball in general because he believes it's the farm leagues for the NBA. Tom adds callers who are talking about the previous topic to the COG list after some guy calls to do an impression of Fred Willard in A Mighty Wind.
- Thomas (via e-mail) offers (starts at 2:35) the terrible new The Stooges album, The Weirdness. Tom hasn't heard it yet, but it doesn't see how it could be anything other than a continuation of where 1970's Fun House leaves off. Tom finds the new album very troubling, and while it works as a COG, he thinks it's also one of those things that you have to pretend didn't happen. Tom would never see The Stooges again because they will work the terrible new tunes into their set. Tom recalls the solo Iggy track, "Skull Ring", sticking out like a sore thumb when he saw them.
- Kathy from Philadelphia calls (starts at 2:38) to remind Tom that we should all thank our lucky stars that QT is out of his post-Pulp Fiction mode where he appeared in films like Destiny Turns On The Radio. Tom thinks Kathy is right. He should be thankful that QT no longer considers himself an actor. Kathy and Tom call for QT to get over the fact that he worked at Video Archives in Hermosa Beach and absorbed all the crummy genre movies. Kathy likes some of the crummy movies, but doesn't plan to make any homages to them. Kathy asks Tom if he remembers Four Rooms, the anthology film that included a segment from Robert Rodriguez. Tom recalls it: yuck. Tom pities QT because he'll never return to the height of Pulp Fiction. Meanwhile, he gets there every week. Tom was passed out on the floor for an hour, and he's already back to the summit of Mt. Olympus, ready to hear Darren Cook's set.
Kathy asks Tom to chew on the fact that QT is responsible for bringing back John Travolta. Tom takes a bite and points out that Travolta took his newfound industry clout to make one good post-Pulp movie, Get Shorty, and followed it up with 85 stinkers. Tom points out that one benefit of his recent filmography is that it makes the films he did before Pulp Fiction seem not as bad. Kathy wants to retroactively rescind his comeback. Tom says that Look Who's Talking Too (a film I inexplicably saw in a theater) is actually better than Wild Hogs? Tom wonders how dumb America is turning Wild Hogs into a total smash, while The Zodiac struggles to hit $40 million. Kathy liked Fincher's latest, but she thought you could take an hour out of it. Tom thinks she's wrong. He thought it was too short. Kathy says that she liked the film a lot, but she thinks the dense complexities might be better appreciated by reading Robert Graysmith's Zodiac book. She thought it was Fincher's best film, but Tom doesn't think that's saying much. He then disses The Game. For shame!
- Listener T calls (starts at 2:41) to issue a COG to $100+ concert tickets to see bands that were better 25 years ago. He cites two examples: a little outfit called The Police and those guys called The Rolling Stones. Tom counters with a reverse COG: people who shell out the cash for lousy stadium seats. He can't believe that people think it's worth $100 to sit a mile away from Andy Summers when he does "Mother". Listener T saw The Police at an intimate gathering of 10,000 people 25 years ago with The Go-Go's opening. He thought that was a legit rock show. He will not be attending any of the reunion gigs.
- A female caller says (starts at 2:44) she's sickened by the whole affectionate "bitch" thing. She can't stand man-on-man bitch talk or girl-on-girl bitch talk. She thinks it's played out and contributes to the coarsening of the culture. She still gets offended when someone calls her a bitch, and she only uses the term when she's madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Prediction: her favorite show is NOT Entourage. Speaking of Entourage, did you hear that Ari got flaw seats for the Lakaz game? I'm not going because Vince is throwing a party with a bunch of hotties, and I'd rather smoke crippler and play video games with Turtle anyway.
The caller is heard complaining in the background about getting cut off, but Tom was just winding things down to move on. He would not hang up on a successful call without a proper farewell. Note to callers: if you can hear Tom, you didn't get cut off.
- Daniel from Of Montreal calls (starts at 2:45) to tell a guy named Jim Carrey to "come on". He wonders if Carrey's bad taste in scripts lead him to think that Number 23 is right vehicle for him. Tom enlightens Daniel to the strong temptation to work reteam with Joel Schumacher, who revived his directing career with the Oscar-winning The Departed. Carrey previously worked with Schumacher on the critically-acclaimed Batman Forever. Tom says COG to any actor who is desperate to win an Academy Award. When Daniel saw the poster for The Majestic, he says he immediately thought it was a clear Oscar grab. Tom says that Carrey is constantly swinging for the fence to get a stupid statue. Tom puts Martin Scorsese in the same category. Tom thinks it makes you cooler if you don't have one. At least Carrey has given us one masterwork.
- FOT fave Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:47) with an apology. While he was on hold, Listener T swiped his COG thunder. Dave thought it would be rude to hang up after making it through Mike's gauntlet, so he remained on the line. Dave intended to say come on to guys in their 60s trying to play rock 'n roll. His alternate COG is to people who give lifetime achievement awards to lesser talents while failing to properly honor Bill Purray's impressive body of work.
- A female caller says (starts at 2:48) she's had enough of those hilarious FW: e-mails that contains lists like "You know you're from New Jersey when ...". Tom says anyone who sends around that type of e-mail should Come On because you know you're disposable in your workplace when ... you have time to send these things around every day.
- Keith from Brooklyn calls (starts at 2:50) to text-message a COG to his buddy, who is firing messages at him from his Blackberry computer. Keith is stuck with and old-timey cell phone. Tom's with him, but doesn't trust his loose lips.
- Vito from Bloomfield calls (starts at 2:51) to COG the NJ Transit fare increase. They've promise increased service, but he doesn't see it. He's fed up. He thinks Bill Murray should get a lifetime achievement in 5-10 years. He also thinks basketball forwards like Otis Thorpe are the root of all evil.
Vito's mention of transit triggers Tom to reveal that one of his life goals is to ride the little car that goes alongside the cars on the raised track in the Holland Tunnel. Mike says he'll get sick if he does it. Tom says he will just ride it once, not seek permanent employment there. Tom agrees that the HT is disgusting, but he still wants to ride in one of those cars.
- Mike from Chester, NJ, calls (starts at 2:53) to agree with Listener T and disagree with Dave from Knoxville. He's happy that Ozzfest 2007 is free, but Tom informs him that he will have to hand himself over to every corporation and get a new e-mail address. He warns Mike that they will turn his entire e-mail account into a spam-o-rrific billboard for their products. Mike says he will still try to see it. Tom says he'll see Mike in the parking lot of the PNC Arts Center. I hope Tom wears his zebra spandex outfit. Mike wasn't sure of the full lineup, but I've got the details:
Mike says he paid $100 to see Levon Helm at the Beacon Theatre. His special guests included Jimmy Vivino, Dr. John, and Travis Barker. Tom is impressed by the lineup. Mike says The Who were not worth that price tag, but the 67-year-old Helms can still bring it. Tom saw an ad for the The Who at the Borgata in Atlantic City, and it promised an uncut and uncensored version of the band. Tom doesn't recall a time when they were censored.
- Evan in Montclair is back (starts at 2:56) with medical advice from his wife. Tom tries to put him on hold, but hangs up on him.
Tom wonders how he dug so deep, but then asks why he even bothered to dig at all. The reason: he has the best listeners anybody ever had for a radio show. They came through during the marathon, and now Tom is returning the favor by doing it American Hero-style. A warning to all who have turned their back to The Best Show: too late for you. There is no way to do an about-face on the program. Tom suspects that someone may have a voodoo doll that they poke just when he issues his warning to the haters. They place it inside a pentagram, conduct a Keith Kincaid-style blood ritual, and conjure the evil spirits to send pain to his side. Alas, it's to no avail, because The Kid did it: W.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: The God of Thunder checks in to discuss his recent "ass"vertising venture, Howard Kaylan explains how Rupert Threadwell really dropped the ball, Philly Boy Roy gives his curating wish list for next year's South By South South Philadelphia (reformed Psychotic Norman!), and Tom hands the reigns over to Mike the Associate Producer for the middle hour, which means we'll hear his "The Greaseman"-inspired shock jockery and all 44 minutes of the Grateful Dead's "New Newer Newest Minglewood Blues" from 3/6/75 at the Newbridge Amphitheater (the venue got slurped up by a spaceship two weeks after that show).
A tune for the road, and I'm sending it out to Tom Scharpling because he never gave up, he never gave up, he crawled in the mud, but he never gave up. He rocked, he ruled, he drove the bus. He never asked for pity, and he never gave up. If Tom died over the past week, tell them this.