Love and Money.
"We've had our differences, Tom, but you have my utmost respect." -- Scratchy Record, giving it up to his old buddy
"I think I need to bring you like a schmata or something to wipe up with there." -- Laura Cantrell, looking for an old cloth to remove the sweat from Tom's brow
"You get to blend things at Thomas Sweet's!" -- Tom on the Hub City's frozen mash-ups
"It's like midnight basketball for the 21st Century. It keeps kids off the street." -- Tom on the podcast's outreach to the community
"Waldwick? Where's Waldwick?" -- Tom, stumped by the 07463 pocket of his home state
"You know what? You take that Shins album, you throw it in the garbage can compared to the new Ted Leo record." -- Tom on his early pick for the best album of 2007
"It's dog eat dog, and I'm the dog!" -- Tom, transforming into a hungry canine after Ted Leo's Adam Ant cover
"You can yell at him about why he likes Beyonce so much." -- Tom, urging pledgers to take Matthew Fluxblog Perpetua to task
"I would pledge more, but I was mugged recently." -- Ted from Philadelphia, Roy Jr's latest victim
"The people in Chicago: every cent you pledge to the show is one less horrible slice of pizza that you eat in your life." -- Tom on the dreaded brick with sauce
"I hope Bonnie's not pledging with Green Stamps." -- Tom on the possibility of a Georgian pledging with Henry from Captain Crunchlet's favorite form of currency
"Welcome to Success Philly-Style, my self-help series that'll help you succeed in every faucet of your life." -- Philly Boy Roy, launching his new motivational speaking career
"I want lightning to shoot out of my fingers and lift Daniel into the air with it." -- Tom, empowering himself to smote the volunteer for his loveless laughter
"FMU made me puke, but Tom helped settle my stomach." -- Julie from NY, NY on the soothing qualities of The Best Show
"I photosynthesize when I'm in Chicago." -- Ted on the land where pork is a vegetable
"And don't leave me hanging on the telephone." --Tom, using his antenny to pull a funny, post-The Nerves segue from the cosmos
"Try Voodoo Lounge on for size. That's a good album." -- Tom, trying to help Ted get over the sting of Steel Wheels
"Own it! Own your victory! You won. You Mad Max'd 'em. They were fat and flabby." --Tom congratulating Dawn of Other Music on toppling of Tower Records
"Ixnay on the Glaxokay." -- Tom, asking Ted Leo to omit the British pharmaceutical giant Glaxo-Smith-Welcome from his anti-corporate rant (he's a shareholder)
"Save the podcast and respect must be paid to Ernie Anastos." -- FOT Fido, supporting Best Show Law #2 with a Mouse of Today pledge
"I'm like Stallone. By that I mean I'm completely wired on human growth hormone right now." -- Tom on his kinship with the juiced-up Ch
"You don't bring me flowers, BUT YOU BRING ME PLEDGES!!!" -- Tom on the very reasonable trade-off
"I don't get what I need from Infinity or Clear Channel / I don't get what I want from the satellite pay channels / There's always somethin' on this freeform station / Hell, sometimes I even listen to JM in the AM 'cause that's entertainment, that's entertainment la la la la laaaa." -- Ted Leo, adapting The Jam for The Magic Factory
Blitz - "Someone's Gonna Die"
( Click here to buy The Complete Blitz Singles Collection)
The Real Kids - "Solid Gold (Thru and Thru)"
( Click here to buy The Real Kids)
New Order - "Love Vigilantes"
( Click here to buy Low-Life)
Chris Bell - "You and Your Sister"
( Click here to buy I Am The Cosmos)
Negative FX - "Citizen's Arrest"
( Click here to buy Negative FX & Last Rights)
( Click here to buy Monotheist)
The Nerves - "One Way Ticket"
( Click here to buy Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1995)
Laura Cantrell - "All The Same To You"
( Click here to buy When The Roses Bloom Again)
Now is the time for us to gather together and do a conga line around the bases after blasting a Grand Slam FUNdraising Home Run:
"I like the pacing of the program. I like The Best Show pace. You're drawn in, and you're in it to win it once you get sucked in." -- Ted Leo on the power of The Best Show's flow
Tom promises some mirth and the possibility of mayhem, but the star of this show was the MUSIC. Professional musicmaker Ted Leo agreed to perform one song for every $1,000 worth of pledges that rolled in. Tom thinks he'll be lucky to get three pledges because everybody brought it so hard last week. Ted doesn't want easy. He's never accepted easy in his life, and he's not about to start tonight. Ted came to entertain. He also doesn't perform for free because his time is valuable. If his presence wasn't bringing in charitable dollars, he would invoice WFMU for travel, his standard appearance fee ($42,000 + vegan Thai buffet), ASCAP/BMI publishing, and a $100 per diem for some JC crippler. Ted's not dropping by the studio to do the same old same old song and dance routine -- he's got surprises stored in his sleeves. If Tom's The Queen, Ted's The King. They always do the right thing.
Tom was in the WFMU makeup chair for nearly two hours before the show so he could look presentable on the webcam feed. He was wrestling with Dogmo in a patch of poison oak this past weekend, and the resulting rash turned his face bright purple. At least it matches his broken toe.
The Week 2 Marathon Players:
Host: Tom Scharpling
Musical Guest: Teddy "Rock Star Leo"
Phone Bank Volunteers (Tom's seen the mutants in some of the other phone rooms and concludes that he gets all the hotties):
1. Sherri (easiest laugh in the business)
3. Matthew Fluxblog (godfather of the .mp3 revolution and noted purveyor of illegal downloads)
5. Mike the Associate Producer (holding down the hot corner -- hopefully no Philly sports fans pelted him with 9-volt batteries during the program)
7. Dawn (Other Music tentpole)
8. DJ Terre T (the other Queen of WFMU)
10. Jason aka His Majesty
11. Brett Haskins from Brett Haskins's The Clash
13. Ali Farranockin
14. Michael not the Associate Producer
16. Kevin (Smith?)
17. Hatch aka "Joe Boogie"
18. Daniel the Derisive Laffer
Computer Technician for Online Pledges: MC "Gummo" Steinberg
(early prototype of KTB's Victory Fun Pack trinket)
"Do you know any Nickelback?" -- Tom, asking Laura Cantrell if she's able to perform any of band's catalog (she could not)
"No one wants to see a rock star look like Danny Bonaduce! Danny Bonaduce doesn't wanna look like Danny Bonaduce! -- Tom on the Nickelback bassist's ill-advised facial hair
Mike the Associate Producer is such a huge fan of the band that he went on a weeklong, Nickelback-themed cruise. However, he was disappointed that bassist Mike Kroeger only emerged from his cabin for 30 minutes. At one point, Kroeger drove past the receiving line on a senior scooter. The passengers had to settle for autopenned head shots. Weak.
"It's like jai-alai and bumper cars. Can you believe that that never caught on?" -- Tom on Whirlyball's failure to attract a national following
Henry Owings promises to triple his pledge if Ted + Rx hand Team Chiclet their first Whirlyball defeat later this month. Tom is growing weary of all the Whirlyball talk, and he's not that impressed by the unblemished record because Henry's squad lives near the only Whirlyball venue on Earth. The home floor gives them a big advantage over visiting teams like Mogwai. Tom will make a secret trip to Atlanta to practice for two weeks before he leads a team to dethrone the champions. Hopefully, Jeff Feuerzeig will make a documentary about this historic upset.
I think it's time to start a Best Show decathalon:
1. Nonagon Slap Fights
2. Running of the Stuff Yer Face 'Bolis (aka Whirlyball Jersey-Style)
3. Rock Wall Climbing at Go Climb A Rock in Newbridge Commons
4. Shanty Building in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker
5. Crawlspaces & Cheesesteaks Board Game Breather
6. Match Fights outside of Maurice Kern's Newbridge East theater
7. Stray Dog Chase on Muffler Row
8. Timmy von Trimble Shotput
9. Lake Newbridge Freestyle Relay (from D'Amici's on E. 23rd to Aquatool's Mansion)
10. Powdered Wig Contest/Tall Bike Race through Natas Acres
More Like Lake Weirdbegon!
"He is a little strange." -- Laura Cantrell on the tall, smart, and scary Garrison Keillor
Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer is a huge Keillor fan. He waited on line at Border's to get his transcription notebook signed by the mutant Minnesotan. In addition to his Best Show producing duties, Mike transcribes every episode of The Prairie Home Companion as it airs. A competing recapper!
The Feral Kid
"I was a little nervous last week. I thought he was gonna beat me with a sock filled with quarters." -- Tom on little August's reign of terror in the phone room
"Tom, I am 13, not 12. Plus, if I had that sock of quarters, I'd have gotten a new phone." -- August zings Tom with his sharpened boomerang
Bigshots, Celebs, and High Rollers
* Jouster from AST
* Profession funnyman Paul F. Tompkins, who thinks he should count as two. Tom agrees. Viva the penny-smashing leader of the Preemie Army!
* Shakey in Saskatoon -- Neil Young back for more!
* The Rothman Brecher Agency of Beverly Hills (two pledges). The agency originally said that they didn't want your weird Grey's Anatomy spec, but agent Jim Ehrich eventually agreed to accept anything you've every written. I sent him my Family Ties and Rescue Me specs, as well as a little one-act about Watergate.
* Elayne Boosler ($10)
* Associate Producer Mike aka "The Bayonne Bleeder" (MOT)
* Jason of Jersey City
* Daniel from Clarksboro aka the bus driver not the other ones who just play xylophone
* Chris from the gauntlet-running DC Snipers
* Adam Clayton from the rock group U2
* PO! (Y3K)
* Sarah from Lu-BEC, Maine (MOT)
* DT from DT & the Shakes
* Honolulu x 2: Rock and Roll HOFer Melle Mel covers for the non-pledging podcast douches, and Duane "Dog" Chapman doles out some of his bounty
* Tony B from the Hank IV
* Purple Shirt (originally tried to pledge with a case of his new Unicycle Marathon Imperial Purple Ale)
* EFD, Ratt enthusiast
* PETEY ("What Barack Obama can do, another can do. Go, Tommy!")
* Rutager and Werner ($160 + autographed vinyl Blackout with a few bags of Hannover marching powder inside)
Pay To Play
1. Ted Leo - "Dog Eat Dog" (Adam and the Ants cover)
2. Ted Leo - "Sara" (Jefferson Starship snippet)
3. Ted Leo - "Radio Ga Ga" (Queen cover)
4. Ted Leo - "Man in the Box" (Alice In Chains snippet)
5. Ted Leo (ft. Cantrell and Scharpling) - Mennen jingle
6. Ted Leo - "Colleen" (from Living With The Living)
7. Ted Leo (ft. Cantrell and Scharpling) - "Brass In Pocket" (The Pretenders cover)
8. Ted Leo & Laura Cantrell - "Love Vigilantes" (New Order cover)
9. Ted Leo -
"Chain Fight Tonight" "Rock and Roll Dreams'll Come Through" (The Gas Station Dogs cover)
10. Ted Leo - "I Won't Allow" (Citizen's Arrest snippet)
11. Ted Leo - "Walking To Do" (from Shake The Sheets)
12. Ted Leo & Tom Scharpling - "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" (Neil Diamond cover)
13. Ted Leo - "That's Entertainment (for WFMU)" (The Jam, reworked)
Ladies and gentlemen! The winner by consecutive knockout and still champion of the worlllllllld! Tom Schaaaaaaaaaaaaaarpling!
Congrats to WFMU for hitting the $900,000 mark! If you missed The Hoof and Mouth Sinfonia finale, be sure to check out all the action (video) -- the Mistress of Swag did Lita Ford damn proud, and The Kid followed by tearing it up on The Who's "A Quick One While He's Away".
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Fred from Queens calls to find out when the marathon starts, Spike checks in from the caveman room at the Madonna Inn, and the FUNdraising reverts back to the regular FUN pace for the next 50 weeks.
BUY BUY BUY Living With The Living -- the Missile Sunset of 2007! -- so Ted can get those Shins (118k) and Arcade Fire (92k) SoundScan numbers. He needs the income because he's having trouble finding employment:
For Laurie in Miami:
"First of all, guys, 'Come Sail Away' is Styx. It's Dennis DeYoung, not Steve Walsh. Ew, brother. Learn your rock. I thought this was a rock 'n roll station?!" -- Tom, taking Ted Leo and Laura Cantrell out of Kansas and back to school
(Don't forget to look under your seat!)