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Heavier Than Heaven.

"Not gonna be a good one. I can feel it. I feel weak. I feel weakened. Ohhh, Daddy needs his vitamin water." -- Tom, drinking the $2 Kool-Aid
"I’m not interested in transvestite midgets who want to, you know, sleep with lesbian washing machines. You know, I’m not interested in that." -- Spike, rejecting daytime talk shows
"It was like Barfly. Barfly with pens." -- Tom on the depressing Artist Alley at the NY Comic Convention
"Oh, he's furious." - Tom on Mel's reaction to the terrible podcast subscriber tally
"What has ever been fake about New York? It's not like Studio 54 was in New York." -- Tom on the city's aura of authenticity
"I know I will die having not seen Pan's Labyrinth." -- Tom, skipping Guillermo Del Toro's fontasy creepfest
"If that wins for Best Screenplay, everyone can write that." -- Tom on Little Miss Sunshine inspiring the the Oscar within each of us
"What happened to that two-shot? We had a two-shot somewhere in there, Herbie." -- Tom, collaborating with a sentient editing machine
"I'm afraid of deep-dish things. I'm just afraid it's too deep for me, that I won't be able to handle it, and I'll look emasculated." -- Paul F. Tompkins, bracing for his first trip to Chicago
"I've seen better Columbias in New York City, but you'll do." -- Jake Fogelnest, working the midnight Rocky Horror line in Philadelphia
"I'm gonna throw up if you keep going." -- Tom, putting an end to Fogelnest's Rocky Horror performance
"The Daleks are the Grouch Marx mustaches of the 70s and 80s." -- Tom on Dr. Who's mutant garbage cans
"Fred Willard. Can we pull the plug on that, finally? Isn't it time? Can we admit that Fred Willard is good, but not great?" -- Tom, checking the expiration date on the comic character actor
"He uses it for evil at times." -- Weirder Jon on Tony Banks's nefarious keyboard skills
"No paper around at the time? Couldn't get it out of your system with a pad?" -- Tom, suggesting an alternate canvas for Jedediah's tattoos
"If GG Allin gets into heaven, though, everyone gets into heaven." -- Tom on the admission standards of The Great Beyond
"We gotta get in there and humiliate every other show on the station. My goal: drain all the money from Tuesday night. That way it's a desert from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m." -- Tom, preparing for battle at 2007 WFMU Marathon


[TBSOWFMU - 2/27/07 / Podmirth [**GIVE IT PLEDGES OR GIVE IT DEATH**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show 2007 Victory Fun Pack!**

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Kenny Smith (w/ The Maximum Feeling) - "Skunkie"

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Dr. Dog - "Worst Trip"

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Apples In Stereo - "Same Old Drag"

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Rob Crow - "I Hate You, Rob Crow" (Album Version)

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Talulah Gosh - "I Can't Get No Satisfaction (Thank God)"

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Heavenly - "Me And My Madness"

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Bonus Track:

The Sea Urchins - "Pristine Christine"

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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:


- Spike calls (starts at 23:38) to prove that he's better than the closed-phone concept that Tom rightfully put in place. He gets off to a bad start by announcing that he wants to see the demise of daytime talk shows like Ellen, Oprah, Maury, and The Frink Springer Show. Tom's not familiar with the program hosted by Frink Springer, so Spike clarifies that he's the guy who gets people to slapfight on his stage. Tom informs him that it’s Jerry Springer and suspects that Frink is another one of Spike’s clever nicknames. Spike says he actually thought his first name was Frink. Tom can understand how these two names could be easily mistaken.

Spike thinks there are too many of these shows, and he longs for a return to the days when daytime television was ruled by game shows and soap operas. He has no interest in the sensationalized talkers that provide a national forum to transvestite midgets who want to sleep with lesbian washing machines. Spike said this topic was from Geraldo, but it was actually a week-long, Maytag-sponsored segment on Ricki Lake back in 1994. I still have it on VHS, although Monday’s show didn’t record for some reason. The mishap worked out well, however, because now I've got an hour of Headbanger’s Ball as a lead-in. It’s the episode where the members of Anthrax took Riki Rachtman skeet shooting. At the end of Friday's show, an audience member in convincing Divine get-up stuffed three midgets into the "lipstick washer" and let it rip on the delicates setting as the audience cheered.



Spike wants to see classic game shows like The Hollywood Squares, Match Game, Concentration, and Remote Control return to the schedule. While Wheel of Fortune still airs at night, Spike would like to see it back in its old daytime slot of the mid-1970s. When Spike gets home from work at 3 p.m., he flips on Judge Joe Brown or Judge Hatchett, and then follows up with The People’s Court or Judge Judy. While I’m sure Spike finds these great programs entertaining, I bet he’s also taking notes on the legal issues for his next court appearances.

Tom points out a Spike dichotomy: he’s a traditionalist when it comes to game shows and his stories, but his love of judge shows suggests a modernist streak. Spike says there’s room for all of these shows, and Tom concludes that he simply wants the world tailored to his preferences. Spike denies it. Tom tells him that he hates the judge shows. Spike says that everyone has their own tastes, and being a devout Democrat is one of his preferences. Tom, a devout Republican, is surprised by his political affiliation and wonders why he’s even talking to him. Spike believes that he’s a true American, but Tom heard that someone proved that Democrats have Communist allegiances. He got this information on The Sean Hannity Show. Spike denies any Communist ties and says that he’s the worst un-American piece of vermin ever. Tom tells Spike not to be so hard on himself, but he was actually referring to Sean Stannity. Tom says Hannity is a great American. Spike’s choice is Lynn Samuels. Tom thinks Hannity should be our next President, but Spike refuses to join the campaign. Tom thinks Spike should at least admit that Hannity is very handsome. Spike says he’s handsome if you’re into that type. Tom cites his giant head, and Spike claims that most Republicans have oversized craniums. Tom thinks Spike is just another “limousine liberal”. Spike starts to say that he doesn’t do limousines, but quickly remembers that he doesn’t actually own or have access to such a vehicle. Tom tells him that unlike his avoidance of shopping malls and the suburbs, Spike doesn’t have a choice in this case. Tom says it would be like him declaring that he doesn’t do private jets when he cannot afford to travel in one.

Spike resumes his assault on daytime talk shows, citing Opraaaaaaaaaaaaah’s touchy-feely, new-age nonsense and the fact that he can only stomach two seconds of Ellen’s program. Tom says that he likes Dr. Phil. Spike only watches the show when the moon is blue, but he agrees with Tom that Phil dispenses good advice. Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer appeared on Dr. Phil two months ago for a topic titled “I’m A Rageaholic, and I Need Help!” Spiked missed this episode. Tom tells Spike about Mike’s "rageouts", which have thankfully never happened in the studio. Tom says a listener sent him a link to one of them. In the clip, Mike smashes everything around him and then suddenly doesn’t remember any of the destruction. Spike says that sounds like half the people he works with at his mysterious U.S. government job. Tom laughs at his quip. Tom accuses Spike of being a Commie spy like Robert Hanssen, the former FBI agent whose story is told in the new film, Breach. Tom feels that it’s his duty to unmask him. Spike says he’s not high enough in the government power structure to have access to classified information. Tom doesn’t want him selling our secrets to the Commies, but Spike says the current administration is already doing that. Tom tells Spike that Dick Cheney will be spinning records on The Best Show in a few weeks. Spike doesn’t think the VP is a cool guest. He prefers Lynn, Howard, or Robin Quivers. Tom’s certain that Howard and Robin have fontasized about increasing their radio presence by coming to Jersey City on a Tuesday night for a show on a listener-sponsored station. Tom GOMPs Spike for being a nonsensical snooze.

Tom tells Spike to get his head in the game. Tom feels the “L” coming on after this disastrous start. The Best Show is undefeated in 2007, but Spike has it coming off the bench lethargically with a topic he made up while he was on hold.

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Two grizzled comic book veterans saddle up to their panel discussion in the Artist Alley

- Tom says (starts at 37:52) he had the distinct displeasure of going to the NYC Comic Convention at the Jacob K. Javits Center this past weekend. He's attended the San Diego Comic-Con, the big one that counts, and he had fun goofing off in summer as he walked around the gigantic complex. This one was terrible. For starters, it's NYC in February, and the convention was overrun with angry nerds in their puffy George Costanza coats. Since these nerds are not in the greatest shape, their heavy clothing and bulging merch bags yielded a lot of heavy breathing. Tom says that every woman he saw worked for one of the dealers and was dressed in a Little Bo Peep or Lara Croft outfits. Due to their revealing costumes, every sweaty, cranky nerd was transfixed by these ladies. Tom saw a poor Little Bo Peep who was unaware that eight feet away two nerds were staring at her. The nerds got as close as they could get without her noticing their greasy presence. Tom was surprised the back of her head didn’t catch fire from their piercing gaze.

Tom headed over to the Artist Alley to check out all the comic book scribblers. As someone who's read comics throughout his life, Tom was excited to see the guys behind the work. Instead, he got to peer inside their shattered souls. Tom says the alley contained the most beaten down group of guys he's ever seen. He compares the sad scene to Barfly with pens. Tom got depressed looking at these poor slobs who spent their lives drawing Captain Marvel. At some point, they all turned around to the ripe old age of 58 and realized they are getting yelled out by some nerd who's wondering why they drew something a certain way or asking for a sketchbook critique. Tom advises the bruised vets to tell the aspiring artist to take his sketchbook and run because this style of art is only useful in comic books. He thinks their advice should be to learn to draw stuff that appears in advertising or everything else you see in the world because hyper-realistic muscle men won’t cut it. Since comic books are spiraling down the turlet, it makes no sense to try to take the jobs of barely-employed men. The bottom line: get out while you can. It's too late for the guys on the panel because they already got bit by a zombie. The nerds need to flee the convention before they, too, get chomped by the undead. Tom would have loved to have witnessed this honest career advice.



- Tom throws out (starts at 43:53) a topic courtesy of superstar listener Anne Champion, who scored last December with the Best of the Worst/Worst of the Best topic. Anne suggested that listeners look back on their lives and think of the moments when they got out of being into something. For example, Tom was into comics, but lost interest at age 12. Tom also wants to find out how these moments relate to when they should have called it quits. Tom boils the topic down to the age-old question: At what point should you be able to move on from Dungeons & Dragons? (After the show, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn issued a decisive "never" on the Charismatic Sorcerer message board.)

I was into puppeteering and magic from the age of about 5 through 8. I actually owned a Pinocchio marionette in an attempt to become what I termed a "modern-day Gepetto". Not only did I lack the requisite skills, but I pretty much had to give up the craft because I couldn't untangle the strings after my brief, herky-jerky "shows" in which the wooden boy did a primitive breakdance. I probably should have stuck with magic and tried to become a master card manipulator like Ricky Jay or steal David Blaine's thunder as a stunt performer. (I once briefly hovered over my kindergarten class before crashing into the cubby holes.) My most notable trick occurred at a show-and-tell gig in the second grade where I converted -- via magic -- a small gumball machine of sugar into a globe full of M&Ms. That same year I played Bunco the Magician, the lead character in a Much Ado About Nothing parody written by my teacher. The play got mixed reviews, but my work was praised in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald. The critic noted that my acting skills had greatly improved since I played a groundhog the prior year in a one-act tour through the year's holidays. I'm still bitter about not getting the Cupid role.

- Paul F. Tompkins, an internationally-know comedian from Los Angeles, California, calls (starts at 46:05) with a desperate plea to retain The Best Show podcast. PFT is begging on bended knee, and Tom admits that the request carries considerable weight coming from someone of his stature. PFT wants the honest subscriber total, and Tom gives him the grim news: 34. PFT thinks this is a sufficient base to keep it going and wonders about the production costs. Tom says that Mel in Hawaii takes every rough show and edits the music out for 34 people. He does it on his own time and his own dime, and the time zone difference works out perfectly. Tom tells PFT that Mel is furious about the low numbers.

PFT wants to know if this is the kind of thing Mel would be doing anyway. Tom says he’s a bigshot and the podcast is his charity work for the slobs and idiots. PFT says he should be constantly giving of himself because he lives in paradise. Tom points out that some would argue that PFT lives in paradise. PFT says the dog-eat-dog world of Tinseltown is actually seamy and squalid beneath the veneer of glamour. He does agree with Tom that everyone in Hollywood is a phony. Tom thinks PFT should come check out some authentic New Yorkers, and PFT says he's never met a single phony person in NYC. He's never even seen one because it's not possible -- the city will squeeze it out of you. Tom points out that if phony people end up in NYC, they will realize that they have to head west because they're too wormlike for the Big Apple. They don't like having their disgusting personality unmasked by the powerful vibe of honesty that permeates the city.

Tom can't think of anything that's ever been fake about New York because it's not like it ever housed a club like Studio 54. Tom then remembers that Studio 54, the fakest thing that ever happened anywhere, was in fact located in New York City. PFT says the biggest fakery was the notion that the place was about anything other than rails. Any and all snowstorms, send ‘em my way! The only good thing about Studio 54 was the time that Tom sprained Diane von Furstenberg's wrist in an arm-wrestling showdown. While Studio 54 was before my time, I do like The Terlet, the new club that's inside a houseboat on a flatbed truck in Astoria, Queens. DJ Dragon and John Tesh are always spinning great s. Last week, I was there hanging out with Corey Kennedy, Andre Royo, Jackie Clarke, and Danny DeVito. We all had at least six too many limoncellos! I was in such rough shape that I was convinced I saw Roy Cohn doing card tricks for Abigail Breslin.



Tom compares the experience of being at Studio 54 without being wired out of your gourd to a drunken baseball fan finally seeing the game in a sober state. Absent chemical aids, the activity would seem very boring. PFT points out that when you saw a picture of someone like Dick Cavett at Studio 54, you'd have to assume that he was dancing with The White Lady. Tom offers the possibility that Cavett wasn't coked up and, instead, just bummed people out with riffs about Groucho Marx or Fred Allen. Tom imagines Cavett threatening to bring the 108-year-old Marx to the club, and PFT has Cavett asking everybody if it's cool if Groucho dons his beret that looks like a golf tee. The appearance would likely be brief since Groucho would have to leave after eight minutes to receive his dialysis treatments.

PFT points out that Groucho made films at a time when it was acceptable for comedians to paint on mustaches and use electrical tape for eyebrows. Tom realizes that there were no Skywalker Ranch-grade effects houses back then, but he finds it hard to believe that these techniques were passable even in those days. He thinks these performers could at least find some horse hair and double-sided tape, but PFT says they were honoring their vaudeville roots. PFT says fake mustaches are expensive if you don’t want a metal clip in your nostrils, but he does believe that you should upgrade the costuming for feature films. Tom agrees because people are no longer paying three cents for a live show, and the film will become a historical document. Plus, the camera will be right up in their well-lit faces. Sadly, they opted for grease paint. PFT thinks Groucho Marx could have also been given a month’s heads-up to grow a real mustache to properly play the character of Groucho Marx. Tom imagines the poor reception to Borat if he traversed American wearing black-colored masking tape on his upper lip. He would approach people with his standard "My name-a Borat", and they would inform him that he was a guy with weird tape on his face. PFT thinks that instead of growing a real mustache in his older years, Groucho should have indicated the passage of time by switching from electrical tape to salt-and-pepper masking tape.

PFT points out that the faux facial accessories were not limited to hair. He's seen Leonard Maltin specials on forgotten silent-era clowns who would draw glasses on their faces. PFT says that even a kid with short pants and a newsboy cap who paid half a penny to see a Vaudeville show would be angry about this bold rejection of any sort of production values. Tom says an audience member would conclude that they could do better despite being in the throes of the Great Depression. PFT thinks the plentiful pipe cleaners should have allowed people to make all kinds of decent props.



Tom thinks the lack of competition is part of reason why the Harold Lloyd stuff still works now. Tom was watching the Harold Lloyd box set, and he enjoyed everything except when he started talking in the 1930s. Tom says these films are not as bad as the late-period Buster Keaton in which Frankie Avalon dumps a milkshake on his head in a Beach Party film. PFT feels a wave of nausea because he realizes that this may be his future. He fears that some young director will discover an old stand-up special and stick him in his teen exploitation movie as Dirty Old Man #2. In the film, PFT's pants will drop, he'll fall down in the mud, and then get run over by a car. Tom adds getting sprayed with a riot hose to the mix of endless humiliations on his frail body. PFT just stood on stage and talked, while Dane Cook jumped around like a lunatic. Tom believes Cook is more deserving of the riot hosing. PFT barely moved his entire life.

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PFT says he didn't miss a single second of the Oscars, which he watched at a party featuring gambling. His picks were a bust because he relied too heavily on his old pal Entertainment Weekly. The magazine's blurbs sabatoged him. They even hoodwinked and flim-flammed him on the costume design category. Last year, PFT nearly won by using his instinct and deductive reasoning. Of all the nominated films, Tom says he will never see Pan’s Labyrinth because it looks like the creepiest, most unpleasant movie ever. PFT's seen it, and it is! He says it's worth a rental. Tom knows he will die having not seen it. The clips of the guy with the eyes on the hands were enough to scare Tom off. Tom wants PFT's take on the success of Little Miss Sunshine. PFT thought it was fine when he viewed it on DVD. He enjoyed it while he was watching it, and then it left his mind completely when it was over. Tom thinks that this ephemeral quality is the hallmark of good writing and inherent to all Best Screenplay winners Tom also noticed that the DVD cover art is promoting the four alternate endings that appear as bonus features.

Tom thinks you know you're in the hands of master when five endings were filmed. PFT reminds Tom that it was originally going to be marketed like Clue with remote-enabled seating that allowed audiences to choose their preferred ending. One option: Alan Arkin rising from the dead and wondering if his granddaughter did the crazy dance. Tom thinks that Little Miss Sunshine proved that everyone listening has it in them to write a movie that could win an Oscar for Best Screenplay. Paul liked how they really fleshed out the crazy Mom played by Toni Collette, and Tom liked how they went back to the well for the old nugget of a goth kid wanting to be in the Air Force. Tom's pretty sure that the USAF would deny his admittance because he's weird and would crash one of their planes. PFT says the best he could hope for was a Captain agreeing to do a six-month hazing without any flight duties. His fate would be daily Code Reds in the form of being hit with soap-filled socks by all of his colleagues.



A clip from Michael Mann's controversial Oscar tribute to America


PFT wonders why the Oscars continue to bother with a host. He thinks the dude should just announce people and have them tag-team it like they used to do in the clubs. Tom points our that those who criticize Ellen DeGeneres should realize that she was only in about nine minutes of the show. PFT says she did exactly the same job that everybody else does. Tom did like the stirring Michael Mann tribute to America. PFT had to ask somebody about the theme of the montage because he noticed an awful lot of scenes involving the Ku Klux Klan. The KKK quotient was more than PFT was comfortable with. Tom speculates that the piece was a tribute to Mann’s collection of 40 DVDs. He thought the inclusion of a clip from Far and Away was pushing it. I did appreciate the scene from Vice Squad. As I've said many times before, nothing says "America" quite like a demented Wings Hauser.

Tom confirms that there was an inordinate amount of Klan content, including clips from Triumph of the Will The Birth of a Nation and the funny Klan stuff from O Brother, Where Art Thou?. Tom accidentally cited the Nazi propaganda piece because he is often thrown by the hateful word "of". PFT wants to know if "of" is a conjunction, but Tom's out of school and done with knowing things like that. I'm pretty sure it's a transitive verb. PFT thinks that if we are going to assume that a billion people watch the telecast, it's probably a good idea not to broadcast images of a racist organization to the world. Tom doesn't think that people around the world need America rubbed in their faces because the whole show is about America. He sums up the likely response of weary worldwide viewers: “America. We get it.”

Since the Oscars are not talking place around the 4th of July holiday, PFT wonders if the U.S. Government asked the producers of the show to put something together to highlight the greatness of America. PFT thinks Mann's use of Klan imagery might have been an act of defiance against the request for a patriotic puff piece. Mann stuck it to them by showing the world the treatment of Muhammad Ali in his film Ali. PFT says that Ali is a film that he forgot happened. Tom thinks they should have awards for acting and award for people who did impressions in movies. He thinks Will Smith should win for the latter. Tom is confident that he could effectively ape someone on film. I'd like to see The Kid have a go at Ted Knight, Paul Stanley, or Brian O'Halloran in the eventual Kevin Smith bio-pic.

PFT points out that Cate Blanchett's full-on Hepburn in The Aviator still wasn't as good as Martin Short's take on the Hollywood legend. PFT would have preferred that Martin Scorsese cast Short in the role. Tom thinks they should have at least had Short ADR the dialogue. PFT makes a reference to the famous dubbing on Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (Andie MacDowell's lines were looped by Glenn Close), so Tom assumes he's a bit of a movie buff. PFT says he wants to be a movie fan again, but he has a very small window for seeing new releases. He either catches a film on its opening day or he waits for DVD. He gets excited by a trailer, but the wind goes out of his sails unless the film is playing at that very moment.

Tom almost went to see Reno 911: Miami (Borat with a badge!) last night, but now he'll be unable to muster up that level of enthusiasm. He won't have the energy to make a plan and actually utter the words "2 for Reno 911!" at a theatrical box office. Tom does think the film is a great deal because you get 71 minutes of entertainment for $11.50 -- essentially two episodes of Reno 911!. PFT thinks that if your feature film is running just over an hour, it might be time to re-evaluate the value of the project. Tom thinks that if the trailers account for one-third of your evening, the film has not delivered enough value. He recommends going the straight-to-DVD route like Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story. Tom bought this as a present for someone, and they gave it back to him so he could sample its awfulness. They liked Family Guy, but the movie soured them on the series. Tom can imagine the guy at ArcLight announcing Reno 911!: Miami's 54-minute running time and giving the go-ahead to talk throughout the film because they don't really care about the integrity of the theater experience on this one. He would direct people who were not pleased with the sound quality to go home and watch Reno 911! on their televisions.

Tom is afraid that his comments might hurt his career because Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant will shut him out of the Herbie franchise. PFT says that Herbie 2 was already made ... by accident. While the studio wasn't paying attention, a sentient editing machine -- the "Herbie of Avids" -- snuck through an open door and cobbled together a direct-to-DVD sequel to the Lohan laffer. PFT thinks the "Herbie of Avids" would be an extremely boring living machine. It can't move or communicate, but it will edit your short film. Tom points out that it would be a problematic collaboration because you might disagree with Herbie's creative choices. For example, he might delete all the two-shots and coverage due to a hard drive space crunch, resulting in a comedy composed entirely of masters. PFT understands Herbie's approach because it would be like a human adjusting their intake of certain foods if they had high cholesterol. Herbie doesn't want to get overloaded with your endless feet of film. PFT says that Herbie can speak by piecing together sound from various films that have been fed into it.

PFT is working on a project for Comedy Central. He thinks it will be very funny, and he's currently co-writing the script in the hope that they shoot the pilot and air the series on their network. He's also doing live stand-up comedy shows in places like The Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia, and then his first trip to Chicago for "The People Under the Stares" monthly comedy showcase at The Hideout. PFT has never been to Chicago because he's afraid of deep-dish things. He's afraid the food will be too deep for him, and he'll look emasculated in front of the locals as he tries to consume it. Paul could easily consume the surface, but he doubts he could eat down an inch to reach bottom. Tom imagines PFT using a knife and fork to scrape the epidermis off the pizza like a six-year-old, the crust serving as an ersatz plate.

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PFT says he also heard that everybody in Chicago has a mustache. Tom says that a lot of people do, and he thinks PFT might have to bring back his facial hair to fit in. Tom wants to know PFT's motivation for creating one of the most impressive acts of facial hair in recent memory. PFT says he recalls the time in the late-1970s/early-1980s when mustaches were barely clinging to being cool. PFT thought he’d look like a real cool man if he was able to grow one, but it was no longer a viable option by the time he started shaving. Years later, he thought he would shave off his beard and just check out the mustache in the mirror before removing it, but he kinda fell in love with himself a little bit. Paul bills it as a dramatic ode to the Al Swearengen configuration, but it also had a lot of Seth Bullockness. PFT says that people on the street would try figure out if they should know who he was since he was sporting such a specific look. They'd eventually realize they should not and move along. PFT says it made him feel cool and mysterious when he was dressed up, but not so much on the way to the gym. He just looked like a creep in his t-shirt and shorts, and people looked at him with open disgust on their faces. Tom thinks PFT should have just gone to the gym in a suit. PFT says his dream is to get on a machine in a suit and hard wingtips. He would wear a light-colored suit so everyone could see it change color as he soaked it with sweat. People could chart his workout progress by tracking the moisture coverage on his back and in his armpits.

PFT says that many labeled Martin Lawrence crazy for jogging in the 100-degree August heat while wearing several sweatsuits and scuba gear, but the results speak for themselves. He's a very trim man. Tom can picture himself losing his mind in a wet suit while swimming in the ocean, let alone running in L.A. Tom likes to wear kaftans in the summer, but he goes for shock value in the winter. He'll wander around outside in a thin polo shirt and khakis, pretending to have a good time before rushing home and wrapping himself in eight blankets as though he's dying from hypothermia. Tom says it's worth it to see the reactions from people who are appropriately dressed for the 8-degree weather. Tom recalls hearing Don Imus saying that he wears shorts in the winter because he's only in contact with the elements in the brief moments he's entering or exiting his limousine. Tom doesn't want to see Imus in shorts at any point in the year. PFT wants to know the target audience for the gross bragging about being in a limo all the time. Tom doubts Imus's access to a limo is endearing him to many people.

PFT says his brother wears shorts year-round in Philadelphia except when he's at work. When Paul visits, he'll be all suited up for winter, while his brother is wearing his cargo shorts. He needs the extra warmth provided by the fabric on the seventh and eighth pockets. Tom wonders if he wears Jams and flip-flops in the summer, but Paul says he opts for madras shorts. Within the shorts community, his brother does map out his sense of style. Paul says he and his brother represent to the two sartorial extremes in the Tompkins clan. Everyone else in the family dresses normally and appropriate for the season. When PFT is wearing a suit in the summer, he sometimes wishes for a somewhat Freaky Friday switcheroo with his brother's wardrobe.

kb4.pngPFT plans to help out with the podcast by pledging during the marathon, and he will also send Mel a trinket if need be. Tom says Mel might be very interested in a Kill Bill, Volume 2 poster because he can’t find it anywhere in Hawaii. Paul writes this down, and Tom says that he forgot to mention that Mel wants the poster for his dorm room wall. PFT says he was done with Quentin Tarantino after Jackie Brown. Tom mentions QT's recent producing duties for extreme genre fare like the Hostel series and Trent L. Strauss's Splattered Dreams. PFT does an impression of a motormouthed QT expressing the importance of putting Eli Roth's artistic vision on the big screen. Speaking of Strauss, did anyone catch the special Black History Month screening of Dr. Sleaze at Maurice Kern's Newbridge East theater? I know a guy who saw the newly-restored print in Western Maine, and he told me that the colors of the innards were "totally vivid". He also said it was the best cultural event in Western Maine since Laser Allin.

PFT segues back into the topic by complying with Best Show Law #1: he got out of Tom Waits late last year. He had been a big fan for a long time, and he still had some affection for the guy despite not picking up his last few albums. PFT says he saw him on The Daily Show (clip) and that was it. The latent feelings were there, and he just needed visual confirmation that he no longer cared about him. PFT says he should have been done at 26, a good decade and change earlier than his actual departure time. Tom directs people to his under-construction website, and PFT says one of the most surreal things he's ever heard was Tom explaining to Petey who he was and how to spell his name in the URL. PFT loved the words Tom used to delineate the letters (e.g., the "n-word", i.e., "nice"), but Tom vaguely regrets it. PFT thinks Tom should be pleased because he laughed out loud at the gym, disturbing the guy on the machine next to him. The guy was staring straight ahead with naked ears, and PFT says he's frightened by people who require no distractions at the gym. PFT says he'd ideally like to watch a play unfold while using the elliptical machine. Tom suggests Spring Awakening, featuring the music of pop-rocker Duncan Sheik. In this scenario, PFT wins because he has the satisfaction of doing something good for himself while watching a play he'd never see otherwise. Duncan Sheik wins because he always wins in the end. PFT says this is what Sheik has in common with The House at casinos.



PFT enjoyed the first season of the television series House because he's Omar Epps’s character. Tom points out that Dr. House breaks his younger colleagues down to build them back up as better doctors. Paul only saw the breaking down and the running through the gauntlet. Tom also calls Dr. House a jerk for yelling at parents about their dying children. PFT gives Dr. House credit for taking the bold stance of not caring about anybody, but expecting other people to care. Tom's surprised that such a philosophy made it to primetime. He thinks House might be the weirdest show on television in its own way. PFT may have to go back to the House now. He departs after successfully taking the show on a fun detour like Bob Hope walking onto The Tonight Show.

- Mike says (starts at 1:35) he had a brief fling with the HBO series Rome. He got in and out of it in a span of one hour. A few years ago, Tom got out of the ability to eat junk as an actual meal. He used to be able to sustain himself with chips and two candy bars for dinner, but now he thinks he'd drop dead if restricted to such a menu.



- Jake Fogelnest calls (starts at 1:38) to make his first public appearance since he was debilitated by despair in the early 1990s. After inventing jazz music at the age of 7, Jake conquered television by hosting SQUiRT TV on Manhattan Neighborhood Network's public access portal. The show attracted a cult following throughout the city, and it was especially popular in the glorious apartments of the West Village. MTV picked up the series, but it only lasted six episodes. The early cancellation caused a depressed Fogelnest to disappear into drug addiction (primarily 'ludes and horse tranquilizers). After bottoming out, Jake is ready for his triumphant return on The Best Show. He's been holed up waiting for this opportunity. Since it means a lot to him, Tom's first instinct was to hang up on him in his moment of glory. He's hardwired to crush dreams. My most vivid memory of SQUiRT TV's MTV run is Cibo Matto jumping on Jake's bed.

Jake says he got heavily into The Rocky Horror Picture Show, got out of it, and still gets pulled back in to confirm that it no longer has the same appeal for him. He discovered the film at age 8 or 9, which is probably not the appropriate age for exposure to this content. Tom thinks someone should counsel his parents. It gets worse. Jake says his Dad would fast-forward through the dirty parts of John Waters movies so he only saw the scenes that warp malleable minds. Jake says he got to see everything that could emotionally scar a child in a fun, hip, New York way. Jake isn't exactly sure how he got attracted to the Rocky Horror craze, but he asked his Dad to take him to a screening back in 1987, which was when the film was still a happening thing. It was playing every Friday and Saturday at the 8th Street Playhouse, and Sal Piro was holding it down as the President of the Rocky Horror Fan Club. Piro, who spearheaded the live performance/audience participation movement, earned a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most times seeing the same film in theaters. He saw Rocky Horror 3,000+ times.

Jake loved the experience because he could shout and scream at the movie. He no longer does this as an adult because he now respects the cinematic arts. He kept loving it until he was 13 or 14 when he finally realized that the audience was made up of sexually-confused nerds wearing They Might Be Giants t-shirts. Jake left the cult having earned his Rocky Horror stripes with 75-100 theatrical viewings and a stint as the fan club rep at his local theater in Philadelphia at age 10. He still has some residual affection for film, and he enjoyed the packed screening last summer at The Wavery in the new IFC Center. Since The Waverly is the site of the original midnight screenings, Jake thought it was a fun return to its roots. Jakes points out that if you go on some other random night, you'll likely get a sleazefest with lot of weird 14-year-old girls wearing too much makeup while 30-year-old guys try to hit on them. Tom wants to hear more about Jake's fan club duties. Jake says he would work the line trying to get people to sign up for the club so they could get a button and a membership card. Tom wonders if Jake assessed the quality of Dr. Frank N. Furter costumes while wearing a beret and brandishing a riding crop. Jake says he'd make it known that he'd seen better Columbia costumes in New York City, but he'd still give the Philly version his approval. Jake confesses to dating two girls who played Magenta in Rocky Horror shows.

Jake says that Rocky Horror gives a certain group of social misfits a place to go for a guaranteed party every Friday and Saturday night. As fans mature, they start getting invites to non-Rocky Horror-themed parties. Jake says that when you return to Rocky Horror, you think back and realize that you should have done something else or just watched it on VH-1. Tom suggests the option of hosting your own parties. Jake agrees that it's not too hard to pull together some chips and dips instead of doing The Time Warp dance all night long. While Jake never dressed up, he did work the lights as part of the technical crew for the live performances. Tom imagines the veteran fans in the booth talking about how Jake was the future of the franchise, keeping it alive for future generations when they were all dead and buried.



Jake says that a 150-year-old guy named Madman Mike is now the leading NYC-based fan. He continues to ably play Riff Raff every weekend and recorded the commentary track for the Shock Treatment DVD. Jake says that he's the foremost aficionado on the 1981 Rocky Horror "equal". Tom wonders if Madman Mike is arrogant about his lofty status in the community. Jake says he's not arrogant, but he knows that nobody could challenge his knowledge of the films. Tom points out that Madman Mike could never get out of the world because he's in too deep. He compares him to Donnie Brasco, so discombobulated that he's probably slipping into costume on Wednesdays. Jake agrees that Madman Mike is in it for life. He says that once you've invested a certain amount of your annual income on fishnets, there is no turning back. Tom gives Madman Mike a new nickname: Sadman Mike. He withdraws the moniker after Jake points out that Mike's having a good time with his bald cap and not hurting anyone.

Tom wants to know if Jake could do every line from the film off the dome. He's up for the challenge, and he proves he can before Tom's heard enough. Jake says audience participation is evolving at Rocky Horror screenings. He and a friend will often try to infuse current events into the shout-outs, such as lines of dialogue from the smash hit Snakes on a Plane. Jake reveals that the anti-gay callback jokes of the 1970s are gone. Tom thinks anyone shouting anti-gay sentiments at Rocky Horror is the epitome of a confused person. Jake says that the screenings were essentially confusion parties set to a raucous rock 'n roll soundtrack. Tom wants to know what "raucous soundtrack" Jake was referring to. Jake says it's the film's soundtrack featuring Tim Curry and Meat Loaf. Jake does a few more lines, and Tom says he will throw up if he doesn't stop.

Jake has survived the travails of child fame to become a radio superstar on Serious channel 26, which Spike hates, and he fulfills his FOT duties by promoting The Best Show. He says he recently gave Rock, Rot & Rule to a musician named James, who is currently opening for Sonic Youth.



- Mike from Philadelphia calls (starts at 1:52) to talk about his history with Dr. Who. He got hooked on it when he was six, and he got out of it at age 10. Mike thinks he should have been done with it at 8. Tom points out that people in Engaland would argue that you never get out of Dr. Who, which is why they keep making new serials. Mike watched the show in the era featuring Tom Baker, who is Tom's favorite titular time-traveler. Tom also enjoyed the top-shelf special effects that included people getting chased by garbage cans. He thinks the Daleks are the Groucho Marx mustaches of the 1970s and 1980s. I think the Daleks should join forces with the Herbie of Avids to EX-TER-MI-NATE the Time Lords from the galaxy -- or least edit a few episodes. Mike says that things are going fine in Philadelphia other than the unpredictable weather. He considers Philly Boy Roy a proud ambassador of the city, accurately reflecting Philadelphia culture for The Best Show audience.



- Tom regrets (starts at 1:55) going to the well for one more Christopher Guest joint. As he watched For Your Consideration last night, he realized that A Mighty Wind should have been the final warning to get out of Guest's films. It was bad news, Jack (and Chris). Tom says that his well-documented hatred of Harry Shearer actually got a little stronger. Tom also wants to pull the plug on Fred Willard. He thinks it's time for everyone to admit that he’s good, but not great. We all know that he's gonna do that thing: a mildly obnoxious loudmouth who talks over people. Tom says he doesn’t want to encounter these kinds of people in real life, so he certainly doesn't want to pay to see Willard portray them. Tom believes that Guest's improvisational approach goes to show that it's often a good idea to write down some scenes for the actors. Does Tom really need to see Paul Dooley and Ed Begley, Jr improvising in a movie? No, he does not. Tom has something for Christopher Guest's consideration: stop trying to show people what Hollywood is like. Tom wonders what Hollywood did to him to make him so angry other than let him make his movies. He says that everything in For Your Consideration was a total bore except for that guy from the John Byner program.



- Tim from the snowy 509 area code of Ellensburg, WA., calls (starts at 1:58) to report that Christopher Guest is directing the pilot for the next show from Arrested Development mastermind, Mitch Hurwitz. Tom thinks it sounds like a match made in Hell. Hurwitz is doing an American adaptation of the British comedy, The Thick of It. Time will tell on this creative pairing. Tom recuses himself from any discussion of Arrested Development due to a personal conflict. Hint: Jessica Walter and a lot of no Coke and vodkas.


- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 2:02) to celebrate the painful process of getting over Peter Gabriel-led Genesis. He originally embraced the band's complex time signatures and lyrics about lutes and madrigals as a way to separate himself from his high school peers. Weirder Jon got off the Genesis train when he moved to New York after college. His NY friends constantly lambasted his fandom, and he finally realized that 22-minute songs were ridiculous. Weirder Jon says that if his friends were wrong, he would have had enough backbone to stick up for his prog buddies. They were right. Tom confirms that he made the right decision by singing some of the title track from the two-record concept album, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. Tom tried to get into the album, but it wasn’t for him. While Weirder Jon was primarily a fan of the Gabriel era, he says he defended the Phil Collins era even when he was playing the octagonal electronic drum set.

The last era of Genesis that he was into was the 1983 eponymous album featuring and the appropriately-titled "That's All". Tom likes the latter tune (he does a nice rendition of its jaunty piano line), but he doesn't understand why all the English guys like Paul McCartney and Ray Davies always lapse into Vaudeville music. Even The Rolling Stones would litter an otherwise classic album with one track of "roto doot da-da-doot gomp". Tom thinks it comes from the old English music hall stuff of their youth, such as Lonnie Donnegan, the King of Skiffle. Weirder Jon and Tom agree that the Michigan-based Grand Funk Railroad displayed no music hall roots. Tom predicts that if the Sex Pistols kept going, their trippy third album would have featured an ode to music hall. Weirder Jon thinks Sid would have played the harpsichord, becoming a multi-instrumentalist like Brian Jones.

Weirder Jon was briefly into Invisible Touch because the short hits were balanced out by artistic fare like the two-part epic, "Domino". However, he couldn't cling to the charade for very long. Tom loves the Genesis videos of that period with Collins hamming it up while Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford struggle to keep comic pace. Tom imagines Banks trying to understand why his keyboard duties also include dressing like a weird, British hobo clown and doing a soft shoe. Weirder Jon admits to owning the entire Peter Gabriel solo discography, as well as the first two Phil Collins solo albums. He never made it to No Jacket Required. He had checked out by the time Phil dropped "Sussudio". Weirder Jon skipped solo Rutherford because he just phones it in. He's never sampled the solo work of Tony Banks. He believes that Banks is very talented, but he's used his keyboard skills for evil at certain points in his career. Tom thinks "mundane" is a more accurate -- and less harsh -- term.

Ol' Dirty Bastard - "Sussudio" (Phil Collins cover)

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- John Junk calls (starts at 2:08) from L.A., the home of Paul F. Tompkins. Junk was excited to hear a fellow Los Angeleno earlier in the program. He says that before he even realized it was PFT, he could detect an L.A. vibe in the patina of his voice: mellow yet authoritative. Tom identifies this as the "showbiz voice". Junk says he officially got out of really self-serious alternative comics of the Chris Ware style last year. He thinks he should have left that world nearly four or five years ago. In retrospect, Junk says he could have realized that Ware was really good with a protractor and sad stories after a brief, one-book run. He went back for more with the issue of McSweeney's that Ware edited, and a terrible feeling came over him. At that point, Junk preferred to look at the bright side of life, so the bald head of James Corrigan was too depressing for him. Tom wants Junk to name the best thing about Los Angeles. Junk says it's a tossup between tacos at Paquito Mass, mole sauce in general, and the eternal sunshine. The California sun helped Junk stop worrying about the 2004 election and learn to love chloroform. At the moment he realized that that guy was going to win again, the sun shot into his eyes and erased all of his concerns about a second GWB term.

Junk also wants to know if Tom was referring to the old-timey song ("On With The Show") at the end of Their Satanic Majesties Request. Tom says that he was thinking of a song that's on either Between The Buttons or Aftermath. It's the former:

The Rolling Stones - "Something Happened To Me Yesterday"



- Jedediah in Brooklyn calls (starts at 2:13) with a brief update on the Danielson Family. He hasn't seen much of the family lately aside from Megan. He visited Freddy two weeks ago in Philadelphia, and he thinks he's doing well as a new husband. Jedediah only stayed with them for one night, so he cannot provide an in-depth analysis of the state of the marriage. Tom doesn't want any further details because he wouldn't know what to do with any bad news.

Jedediah says he used to be really into Social Distortion, one of the first punk bands he ever heard. He thought Mike Ness was really cool. He wanted to get lots of tattoos, and he did get some (not Social D/Ness-related) that he now regrets. Tom thought he might have a big letter D, but he has more subtle and abstract line drawings on his arm. Tom teases Jedediah with a quip about not having a pad and pen around to capture his artistic urges. Jedediah wants to move on from the things he can't change about his life. Tom points out that at least the body art reminds him of a time when he was young and free. Jedediah advises youngsters like August to think more than twice about getting any tattoos. Tom wants to know the proper amount of consideration time for getting inked. Jedediah thinks people should wait until after they get married because their eventual spouses might not care for them. Jedediah's wife falls into this category. He says that Megan would love it if he got them removed, but he thinks he'd just end up with a scar in the shape of his former tattoos. Tom thinks it's good that his tattoos don't contain any embarrassing, dated text like "Twin Peaks rules!"

Jedediah got out of Social Distortion after hearing Cheating At Solitaire, the first Mike Ness solo album, at age 19. He realized that Ness had nothing new to offer. Looking back, Jedediah thinks he should have gotten over Social D after seeing Another State of Mind, a documentary on the ill-fated 1982 tour featuring Social D and Youth Brigade traversing the country in a rickety school bus. Ness is 16 or 17 in the film, which includes scenes of him putting his hair up and applying makeup. It should have been a nice warning shot, but Jedediah liked it at the time. In fact, he was in a punk rock 'n roll band and wore eye shadow to be more like his hero. Tom thinks scary clown makeup could be the next aesthetic move for the Danielson Family. Jedediah is intrigued by the idea because Danielson is one of those crazy, ICP-ish bands with a cult following. The plugtastic night rages on with a mention of Danielson: Family Movie, which will be in storage on April 10th.

Jedediah says he's been out of the Danielson loop for several months with Daniel touring Europe without them. Tom asks Jedediah if Daniel is trying to clean house by replacing his actual family members with virtuoso ringers, such as "Jesse Smith", a five-string slap bassist billed as his third cousin. The ringers would eventually kick Daniel out and continue to tour the world as the Danielson Family. Jedediah says that he and Dave were considering doing their own drum-and-bass tour as the Danielston Family (Spike gave them that name) to see how far they could ride out the credibility without the primary songwriter on board. Sounds like Another State Of Mind 2 to me. They'd probably end up at Ian MacKaye's house, eating vegetarian chili and listening to that Egg Hunt 7". Tom doesn't like it. He loves it!

A night of superstars! Tompkins! Fogelnest! Junk! Danielson! Tom thinks Michael Anthony may be next, but he never called.



- Tom notes (starts at 2:31) that the next topic should probably be saved for a future show, where it could be explored to its full, proper capacity, but so be it. Tom will do it now. Tom asks listeners to assemble the worst possible band comprised dead rockers -- not necessarily talentless people, just an ill-conceived musical mélange that makes no sonic sense. The caller with the best lineup wins a pair of tickets to The Decemberists at the Loews in the rock hotbed of Jersey City on the March 21st installment of their two-night engagement. Tom gives an example of Jerry Garcia jamming with the dueling bassist tandem of Sid Vicious and Jaco Pastorius. The topic is initially met with silence, and Tom fears that he’ll have to file it next to the disastrous Turk 182 It as an all-time dud. But then the phones heat up.

- Tim from Ellensburg, WA:

* The disembodied arm of Rick Allen - drums

* Philly Boy Roy’s good friend Kevin Allin - lead vocals

* Ronnie Van Zandt - guitar

* Frank Zappa - ringleader/guitar

Tom thinks GG should be a constant in all the bands. He also points out that if GG Allin got into heaven, everyone gets into heaven. If he managed to gain admittance, there are obviously no sturdy, pearly gates -- just picket fences that got flattened or some wood sticks erected to contain laser bean shows.

- Art Carney:

* John Bonham - drums

* Cliff Burton - bass

* Johnny Thunders - guitar

* DJ Scott La Rock - turntables

* William S. Burroughs - lead vocals

Tom liked Art’s pacing. He led with a pretty legit trio, but ended with the strongest, most discordant note: Burroughs on the mic. Art says that he would like to see this band perform out of curiosity. Tom does a hilarious impression of Burroughs telling his bandmates that they need to rehearse.

William S. Burroughs & R.E.M. - "Star Me Kitten"

Boogie Down Productions - "Scott La Rock Megamix"

- Mike from Philly:

* Karen Carpenter - lead vocals

* Lowell George - guitar

* John Entwistle - bass

* Eric Carr (in Kiss makeup) - drums

Tom says that while this band is not spectacularly bad, it achieves a quiet, desperate wrongness. Mike points out that the three instrumentalists would be showing off and drowning out the quiet vocals of Ms. Carpenter.

- Rice Cakes (via e-mail):

* Sonny Bono - guitar/vocals

* Elliot Smith - guitar/vocals

* Andy Gibb - lead vocals

* John Bonham - drums



- Chris in NYC:

* Shooby Taylor - human horn

* Frank Zappa - guitarist

* Jaco Pastorius - bass

* Buddy Rich - drums

Tom thinks it’s a pretty bad band. Chris cackles in agreement, urging Tom and the listeners to “soak that one up.”

- Rich in New Paltz:

* Charlie Daniels (not quite dead yet) Ronnie Van Zandt - guitar

* Harry Nilsson - piano

* Keith Moon - drums

* Sid Vicious - bass

* Elvis Presley - vocals

* George Harrison - occasional guitar

* Jim Croce - guitar/songwriter

- Ben in Manhattan:

* Dennis Wilson - drums

* Dee Dee Ramone - Fender Precision bass

* Ronald C. "Pigpen" McKernan - Hammond B-3 organ

* Liberace - grand piano

* Tiny Tim - vocals

* Mike Bloomfield - guitar

Tom likes the solid Wilson/Ramone rhythm section shifting into weirdness starting with Pigpen. Ben is in the lead.

- David in Brooklyn offers an experimental jazz and death metal hybrid:

* Mel Torme - drums

* Mike Brecker - guitar

* “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott - lead vocalist

No bass because when you’re free-flying in heaven, you don’t need no safety net. Tom thinks David has created Mr. Bungle.

- Jim (via e-mail):

* Keith Moon - drums

* Randy Rhodes - guitar

* Pete Farndom - bass

* The Notorious B.I.G. - vocals

- Jack in Bloomfield:

* Layne Staley - vocals

* The Notorious B.I.G. - rapping

* Ricard Manuel - keyboards

* Ray Charles - keyboards

* James Brown - singing

Tom commends Jack for making his band even worse by forgoing a drummer.



- Chris L from Maryland:

* Matt Fitzgerald (bass) Jeremy Gage (drums) from The Exploding Hearts

* Derek Bailey - guitar

* 3-headed monster on vocals: Eazy-E, Mama Cass, and Andrew Wood

Chris L mentions that the other Chris L didn’t take the bait on his proposed feud. He thinks the listeners won on that one. Tom considers starting a feud with Chris L for depressing him with his band. Tom GOMPs him.



- Listener T:

* Screamin' Jay Hawkins - piano/vocals

* Jam Master Jay - turntables

* Shannon Hoon - vocals

* Vivian Stanshall - vocals

* Buddy Rich - drums/personality



- Mike the Associate Producer:

* Keith Moon - drums

* John Entwistle - bass

* Jimi Hendrix – guitar

The big twist:

* Peter Allen (Legs Diamond, The Boy From Oz) - vocals

- Christopher in Rhode Island (via e-mail):

* Shannon Hoon - vocals

* Bozz Barrell - bass

* Karen Carpenter - drums

* Bob Marley - guitar

- Unidentified caller:

* Kurt Cobain - vocals/guitar

* John Denver - vocals/guitar

* John Bonham - drums

* Jam Master Jay - backup rhythm

- Unidentified caller:

* John "Beatz" Holohan (Bayside) - drums

* Cliff Burton - bass

* Dimebag Darrell - guitar

* Andy Gibb - vocals

- David in L.A. goes doo-wop:

* Mel Torme

* Jim Morrison

* Ella Fitzgerald

* Darren “Buffy, the Human Beat Box” Robinson

Tom tells David that he lost. He outsmarted himself by concocting an amazing, talented band.

- Chris in Edison, N.J.:

* Tiny Tim - vocals

* Jimi Hendrix - guitar

* Sid Vicious - bass

* Gene Krupa - drums

Chris WINS with his testament to simple awfulness.

- Unidentified female caller:

* Barry White - vocals

* Phil Ochs - guitar/songwriting

* Sid Vicious - bass

* Freddie Mercury - synths

* Liberace - keyboards

Tom thinks this band is good, and he GOMPs the caller for hating Barry White. He then reveals his pick for an old-fashioned revue that would pack them in for eternity. The two hardest-working men in show business:

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Here's Omar's heavenly band, which I'd gladly pay to see, although I doubt the clubs in Heaven actually make you pay to attend rock 'n roll shows. They probably get you with the $10 Heinekens, though. This ennead would also make for a pretty hott game of Hollywood Squares. I'd like to see Spike navigate this board. After a few creepy salutations ("Heeeelllloooo, Billy ...), he'd probably have most of them jumping overboard to their second deaths. I'd also love to hear a contestant say, "Pig Champion to block."

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Billy Preston (The Beatles/Helmet)- piano/organ
Kristen Pfaff (Janitor Joe/Hole) - bass
Mia Zapata (The Gits) - vocals
Michael Hutchence (Inks)- vocals
Derek Frigo (Enuff Z'Nuff) - guitar
Bob Stinson (The Replacements/MLB) - guitar
Jeff Porcaro (Toto) - drums
J Dilla - beats/kazoo/xylophone
Tom “Pig Champion” Roberts (Poison Idea) - guitar tech/dancer

Open-invite guests:

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Robbin Crosby (Ratt) - guitar/backing vocals
Buddy Guy (damn that evil hill!) - guitar/vocals
Chris Bell (Big Star) - guitar/vocals


A gentle W. A show for Tom’s tired bones. The calm before the fundraising storm.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom brings it like it's never been brought before with two special in-studio marathon guests: The Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth and 30 Rock's Tina Fey!

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