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March 27, 2007
March 26, 2007
Paingaea.
"No. More. Room. On. The Bus. Bus left town, we're rolling out! Don't need you!" -- Tom, closing the doors on the non-believers
"Like The Black Lips enough to play something on Vice Records. That's a testament to how good The Black Lips are." -- Tom, supporting the band irregardless of their coke fiend employers
"I appreciate you saying that, but it ain't no mystery why you're an EMT, not a doctor." -- Tom on EMT Ryan blaming his severe pain on excessive rocking out
"Go to the doctor. DO IT NOW before it gets worse." -- Fred, dropping the voice and making it heard
"What instrument did Miles Davis play? Tuba?" -- Tom, trying to remember the jazzman's preferred instrument
"Evacuate? In my moment of triumph? Surely you underestimate the pain I was feeling." -- Tom, regretfully adapting a quote from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
"Let's go to Enid's, Kickball Lad. I need to go buy some cocaine." -- The White Belt, re-upping his Tall Bike Peddling Powder
"That's a food, you idiot." -- Tom, slamming a caller who brought an Indian dish to the Words I Hate game
"Yeah, that would be disgusting. Having a 19-year-old girl use a term of affection. Yeah, ewwww." -- Tom on a caller's rejection of Southern hospitaliy
"It's the last place you'd think you'd find The Steak Haters." -- Tom on his club's secret meetings at Peter Luger's
"She's gonna ask about bowel movements -- you're cool with that?" -- Evan on the nature of his wife's intended medical queries
"If somebody said, 'You rock, boss', I'd go postal." -- Tom on getting pushed over the edge by words people hate
"There's enough noise in this damn world." -- A grumpy caller, complaining about the beep-beeps of keyless access technology
"You know what else you should be mad at? Your time machine!" -- Tom, like, delivering a GOMP to a Jeff in Seattle for getting upset about Valspeak
"Thank you for your generous pledge. You better pay it, you cheap rat!" -- Tom, demanding that Paul from Staten Island pay his WFMU invoice
"You don't call a movie The Zodiac and then don't put Barry Sobel in it." -- Tom, lamenting the absence of the real Z-Z-Z-Zodiac
"I would have caught The Zodiac Killer if I was on the SFPD." -- Tom, cracking the case in the name of good cinema
"It probably picks up right where Fun House left off, right?" -- Tom on the new The Stooges record
"And how dumb is America by the way?" -- Tom, questioning the intelligence of a nation that sends Wild Hogs over the $100 million mark
"You are WROOOOOOOOOOOONG!" -- Tom on Kathy's attempts to trim an hour from The Zodiac
"Oh, I got cut off." -- A female caller complaining about something that didn't happen
"What? Really? Otis Thorpe is the root of all evil?" -- Tom, questioning a caller's claims that basketball forwards are the real Bad Guys
"Yes, the Holland Tunnel is disgusting, but I would still like to ride in one of those cars." -- Tom, trying to fulfill a life goal
"Hey, it's a free concert, but you're gonna need a new e-mail address!" - Tom, cautioning a caller about hidden costs of Ozzfest 2007
"You dig that deep because they care about you, and you care about them." - Tom, explaining to himself why he takes it to American Hero levels for his listeners
[TBSOWFMU - 3/20/07 / Podmirth / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Mary Weiss - "Stop And Think It Over"
( Click here to buy Dangerous Game)
Hannah Montana - "Best Of Both Worlds"
( Click here to buy the Hannah Montana OST)
Dow Jones & The Industrials - "Ladies With Appliances"
( Click here to buy The Sound of Gulcher)
Times New Viking - "Teenage Lust!"
( Click here to buy The Paisley Reich)
The Swirlies - "Tree Chopped Down"
( Click here to buy Blonder Tongue Audio Baton)
Overwhelming Colorfast - "Every Saturday"
( Click here to buy Two Words)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are deck:
That's right, boys and girls, Omar's got his mojo back so it's time to do my recap thang. Gonna hijack a dictionary and really nuance the f out of this one. No more "ghetto recaps". This one's gonna be classic. I'm talking mad ridiculous. Danker than Spike's basement and Rutager's crippler. Headier than heaven. So sit back and enjoy my art, bitches!
Tom spins County Mounty's triumphant "Good Guys Win, Bad Guys Die" because he fought the status quo on the radio battlefield, slicing and dicing through the marathon like he was in front of a green screen on the set of 300. Tom, like Teddy Rock Star, kilt it. Since he did four marathon shows in two weeks (two Best Shows + two co-hosting gigs) and played the final set at The Hoof and Mouth Sinfonia finale, Tom is experiencing the onset of post-marathon illness. He stored it up for the pledge push, and now the body fails ye. Tom's in agony, and his memory is failing him, so he has to ask Mike the Associate Producer for the correct call-in number to avoid giving out home numbers over the air.
The Best Show was on fiyah for the marathon, and Tom has a message for people who still don't like the program: too bad. Not happy with Tom about something? Too bad. There's no more room on the bus packed with pledgers. It's SRO inside the bus. Still got some bones to pick? You guessed it: too bad. Tom doesn't want YOU. He just slammed the bus doors shut, and you're on the outside. There may be another bus coming along, but this one is headed for Newbridge without you. The program has no use for you, boss. Before Tom could leave the station, he starts to feel worse. He tries to hold it together, but then he realizes that he still has to talk for another 2:35. It could be a brutal knight. Tom takes a minute, and the bed music gives way to an Olivia Tremor Control twofer of "The Opera House" and "Jumping Fences". A wild trio follows: White Lion's cover of "Radar Love", No Doubt's second-wave ska smash "Spiderwebs", and Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing".
And then it happened. As Tom (nearly) wretched, Pangaea was fetched. He had to pull the bus over to the side of the road to ride out the pain.
Holy guacamole. Tom splashed some cold water on his face, and he's BACK. Still no room on the bus! He will tough it out. The jolly show must go on. Tom has shooting pains in his left-middle back and on his side. He was also feeling warm and clammy. Tom calls for any medical doctors in the audience to give him a proper diagnosis.
- Ryan, an EMT with the New York Foy-Uh Department, answers (starts at 1:20) Tom's call with a professional opinion on the cause of his ailments. He believes that Tom rocked too hard the other night. Tom's not too impressed with his so-called expertise. He appreciates the compliment, but it also indicates that it ain't no mystery why Ryan is an EMT instead of an actual MD. Ryan says he was being facetious, and Tom was just teasing him back. Ryan sees a lot of stomach stuff and gunshots to the head in his emergency work, and Tom says he was definitely not shot. He GOMPs Ryan for not sticking to the script and following his lead. Tom wants a serious take on the weird pain that took over the second quadrant of his back. Mike confirms that Tom was not faking. You can't fake the clammy sweat on the brow. Tom suspects he may be getting some kind of stomach virus. He vows to pull out the "W" a la Michael Jordan's legendary "The Flu Game" against the Utah Jazz on 6/10/97. Tom plans to make this the best-ever episode of The Best Show.
He gives Ryan another shot because helping out the people of New York makes him an American Hero. Tom tells him that he heaved a bit, has an achey body, and feels a bit woozy. Ryan asks him about the history of his kidneys, and Tom says he's never had any stones in there. Tom only has a low-grade fever at most, so Ryan says it could be the early stages of the flu. Ryan says that he sometimes drives the ambulance, which the EMTs call a "bus". Tom is excited to get a peek behind the curtain with this morsel of industry slang. Ryan reveals that it's the only thing lurking behind the curtain. He says that Tom could have learned the term from Joel Schumacher's Bringing Out The Dead. Tom tells Ryan that he's the best caller of the night. He's also the only caller. He redeemed himself.
- Fred from Queens calls (starts at 1:26) to tell Tom to visit a doctor. He's serious because it sounds exactly like the stomach flu he had for two weeks. He didn't have the Q2 back pain, but he vomited, ached, and was clammy and sweaty. Fred says everyone is down with this sickness, man. In order to legitimize his directive, Fred dropped his usual heroin-soaked "Fred" voice. He wants Tom to seek immediate medical attention before it gets worse, but he allows for an appointment tomorrow morning since Tom is currently doing a radio show. Fred hangs up on Tom.
- Tom Potter, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, calls (starts at 1:27) to take Tom to task for making fun of their plentiful local street garbage. Tom thinks the caller sounds a bit wishy-washy to be a mayor. Potter refers to some specific detritus that hangs out in front of the downtown CVS: Scuzz, Lerch, Skid, and Whisper. Tom wants to know if GOMP is part of this filthy contingent. Potter has never met a kid named GOMP, but he knows what it stands for. At this point, the mayor makes the only sensible move -- he unsheathes his sword and falls on it. Tom doesn't like that. He loves that. After witnessing this self-GOMPing, Tom wonders how much more heroic he can be. He requires little reflection before elevating himself to American Hero status.
- A caller wants (starts at 1:29) to know who played the clarinet in that long song that Tom can't stand. Tom tells him that it was Mr. Miles Davis, but he doesn't know about the clarinet because he's not Stanley Crouch. He says the album cover features the face of Miles Davis, so he assumed he was playing it. Tom doesn't even think the 90-minute jazz fusion piece contains any clarinet (it doesn't). He can't recall Davis's instrument of choice, but he thinks it might be the tuba.
- Tom digs out (starts at 1:30) a classic, old-timey topic because he's not going to break the seal on a blue-label topic when he's stuck in first gear after his spell. He points out that the cheap stuff can sometimes deliver a blast of low-end fun. There will be no Goldschlager tonight. The fiery, gold-flaked schnapps stays on the top shelf until next week unless Tom dies in the interim. Tom is Ready to Die just like Notorious B.I.G. He doesn't want to pass on, but he's ready. He's cast his fate, and he's seen enough exciting stuff in his life. If this is how The Kid goes out, this is how The Kid goes out. It's time for the Pabst! Blue! Ribbon! of Best Show topics: Words You Hate.
Tom starts things off with a medley of mal mots that Stephen King, one of the worst writers in the history of mankind, dishes out in his monthly, back-page "Pop of King" column in Entertainment Weekly. King uses his column space to weigh in on important topics such as Lost and all the terrible albums he loves. Tom detests his use of "thang" and "mojo", indicating that King thinks he's an outlaw in some Marlon Brando motorcycle picture. He also addresses readers as "kids" and "boys and girls". Tom refuses to use any words that King uses, so he's off "the" because he used it in the title of The Stand.
At this point, Tom makes it clear that by all rights, he should not be on the mic right now. He's in agony, and if there was another DJ on the premises, he would have gone right to the hospital per Fred's recommendation. Then again, Tom can't imagine evacuating the studio in his moment of post-marathon triumph. After referencing the Governor Wilhuff Tarkin line from Star Wars, Tom realizes that he's sick of Star Wars. He thinks it's time to retire the franchise as a cultural reference point. The bottom line: too many people still living with the living by Star Wars rules in life.
- Matt in East Orange 07078 07073 07017* calls (starts at 1:35) to offer "nuance" as a verb. He hears it all the time despite not working as an Ad man. Matt's not sure if the user is asking him to define something more clearly or add a detail. He also doesn't like people who say "weary" instead of "wary" or "leery". Tom currently fits the definition of all three words.
*You know Tom is not feeling well when he misfires twice on a zip.
- Chris calls (starts at 1:36) to put his local deli proprietor in the hate pit for calling him "boss" with a condescending smirk. Tom points out that it always comes off as an insult because people only say it to people who are not their actual supervisor in a work setting. They are essentially telling you that there's no way on Earth they could ever work for you, but the power dynamic would be hilarious in theory.
- A caller says (starts at 1:37) that he hates the terrible term "World Music", a catch-all for anything that's not rock 'n roll music. Tom agrees and wants the new category to be called "Non-Rock". Our old friend Mary B from Albuquerque would not be pleased.
- Steve aka The Prince of Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:38) with two entries: "portion" (doesn't like the way it comes out of anyone's mouth) and "kicky" (as in "kicky boots"), his least-favorite fashion adjective. The PoB says his territory is quiet tonight, and Tom asks him if he ever stands on the top of a building and looks down at Brooklyn like Batman. He does not, but the question leads Tom to wonder what an actual Brooklyn superhero would be like. The PoB imagines it would be someone riding a Tall Bike while on rent strike. Tom comes up with two creatures: Kickball Lad and his drug-addled sidekick, The White Belt. Kickball Lad would shoot kickballs at villains from atop his Tall Bike with The White Belt serving as a weapon for more substantial foes. In Tom's comic universe, The White Belt would frequently ask Kickball Lad to stop at Enid's so he could buy some cocaine. Tom thinks the duo's primary nemesis would be some New Jersey bridge-and-tunneler.
- A caller says (starts at 1:41) he doesn't like "melusha", an Indian word for fried rice mixed with beans and curd. Tom calls him an idiot for citing a food.
- A caller says (starts at 1:41) he hates the use of "dank" and "heady" to describe something that's good instead of bad. Tom asks the caller if he writes for Wine Spectator, which elicits a background laugh from the caller's female companion. He's GOMPed.
- A caller expresses (starts at 1:42) hatred for the word "ghetto" when used to describe anything makeshift or shoddy. Tom thinks the people in the ghetto have it hard enough and should not have to endure rich kids referring to a "ghetto" .mp3 players.
- Jonah from NYC Manhattan Upper West Side, 81st, behind New Riverside calls (starts at 1:43) to say that he gets freaked out when a 19-year-old waitress calls him "Honey" at Southern diners. Tom can understand that being subjected to a 19-year-old girl using a term of affection would be a disgusting event. He GOMPs this Richie Rich Tenenbaum.
- Daniel, a 14-year-old from Lower Manhattan, calls (starts at 1:44) to stick it to uptown NYCers. He also hates "itch" used as a verb and the way "grumpy" sounds. He's a lifelong New Yorker, and he especially likes the cuisine the city offers. However, he doesn't care for steak, which is either European or American fare. Tom tells Daniel that steak is as American as it gets, and he's not a fan, either. Tom wants to start a club with Daniel called The Steak Haters. The members will wear jackets with Steak Haters embroidered over the crest and "What part of 'We don't like steak' don't you understand?" across the back. Daniel thinks it's cool. The meetings will be held at Peter Luger's in the name of ironic undercover. Tom tells Daniel that he'll see him at the next meeting.
- A caller says (starts at 1:46) he hates when assembling a lineup for a music festival is referred to as "curating". Tom points out that these so-called curators are simply booking bands just like any other slob. He hates the word and the notion. He compares it to DJing -- it's giving an important title to something that's barely doing anything. Tom believes the role of the curator is basically writing down their favorite bands and getting someone else to see if Slint will reform to play at their tomorrow party.
- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 1:47) to face the harsh reality of his disgraced Supercallerdom. He was riding high for a few weeks until he turfed out and became lower than even a regular caller. Evan says he thought about using an alias ("Bill from Bloomfield") to avoid the humiliation of his demotion. Evan wants to get back to the top of the mountain, and he holds medical attention over Tom's head like a carrot to keep him on the line for eight minutes. He says his wife will be home soon with some non-virtual advice for Tom's pain.
He hates the words "supercaller", "postal", and "virtual". Evan doesn't like the overuse of "postal" to indicate any kind of wild rampage, rather than just mayhem actually taking place within the confines of an actual U.S. Post Office. In March of 1995, Montclair was struck by one of these legit postal sprees. Evan points out that the term used to have meaning, but now people will "go postal" just because their coffee's cold or Dame Lola ran out of the white chocolate truffles. He's skeptical of anything dubbed "virtual", such as "virtual medicine", because it might address your problem, but it probably won't. Evan craves things that are tactile and real, but now everything slips through the Internet or over the phone.
Tom concludes that he and Evan were not constructed to exist in the modern world. He serenades the fallen Supes with a bit of "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times". Evan says his wife will ask some personal questions to properly assess Tom's suitability for acupunctural remedies. He indicates that one topic will be the state of Tom's bowel movements. Tom says he will keep things clean because he's not doing a porno radio program. In order to avoid any literal toilet talk, he'll spin the Miles Davis record again and talk to her off-air. Tom moves Evan slightly up the ladder on his quest to work his way back up. He dropped all the way to "Ratso" Rizzo status, but now he's a little bit higher.
- Stephen in brisk Chicago calls (starts at 1:51) to say that he's infuriated when people refer to his city as "Chi-town". He also doesn't like "rock" as a verb, as in "you rock". He finds it condescending because people will often claim that you "rock" after completing some incredibly menial task like fetching a package.
DS. This happens all the time in Corporate America. For example, I have often been referred to as a "wizard" because I managed to properly format an MS Word document. What's really going on with this kind of s is that Authority Figures are attempting to remain blissfully ignorant of how to complete simple tasks by assigning magical or "rocking" powers to the slobs who do the actual work. I think it's rarely an intentional attempt to be sarcastic. It may be sad and annoying, but it's generally sincere. They are simply so out of touch with reality that, in their diseased head, the only possible explanation for creating a pivot table in Excel is supernatural powers. Though to be fair, I almost always wear a conical hat and a long, flowing purple robe to work. The wand and scepter probably don't help matters, either. And I had a Harry Potter glasses phase, but didn't we all? Still, I mean, is it really that hard to insert a page break? The worst is when you actually do rock, and nobody effing cares. I once brought my guitar to work so I could perform the Wayne Perkins guitar solo from Black And Blue's "Hand Of Fate". Not a single person told me I rocked, and some ash ole actually filed an HR complaint. I consulted my copy of Cards As Weapons and sliced his juggler with the 7d. I then hovered over him and finished the job with a Js/Qs/Ks/As to the chest.
Tom says that he would go postal if somebody said, "You rock, boss." Stephen also hates the term "spinning", which really means that someone is playing 14 records from their collection as they get drunk in a bar. Tom has no interest in driving across town to watch someone hook up their laptop so they can run iTunes through a club's sound system.
- A caller says (starts at 1:54) he despises all the stupid clicky noises people make when they open or close their car doors. He wants people to lock or unlock their vehicles in silent mode because there's enough noise in this damn world. Tom GOMPs him for jacking Ed Anger's stylee. He does not expect the average consumer to be able crack open their keys and insert a new microchip like they're Steve Wozniak to appease the crapabbles out there.
- Bonnie calls (starts at 1:55) to say she doesn't like the word "retard". She works with special needs people, so she's especially sensitive when her friends casually use the term to assign a general state of stupidity/lameness instead of an actual medical disability. Tom agrees with Bonnie 1,000%, and she overtakes Ryan the EMT as the Caller of the Night
- Fred returns (starts at 1:56) with four words:
1. Actually
2. Random (Drug Test)
3. Classic
4. Encore, i.e., the new way of saying repeat on television (NBC has taken it to a new level with their The Office "newpeats")
Fred's climbing out of the turlet. He showed concern for Tom's health and then nailed the topic. He came in, and then he quickly went out. Is Fred the next Paycheck? Could he achieve Supercaller status? Maybe the extended exposure to the fusion jazz altered his brain chemistry.
- Other Cleveland Jonah, aka The Good Jonah, aka The Glengarry Jonah calls (starts at 1:57) to condemn the misuse of "literally" to refer to something that is exceedingly figurative. He gives the example of someone claiming that a long car trip required a year's worth of driving to reach the desired destination.
- A caller debuts (starts at 1:58) his "lasagne sketch", and Tom quickly GOMPs him. He believes the material is more appropriate for a performance in the caller's backyard, where the neighbors can pay 25 cents and his parents can stuff $5 in the money box to make him feel like a comedy bigshot. I'm pretty sure this caller was Reginald.
- Dan in Kearney calls (starts at 1:59) to commiserate with Tom -- he's also feeling ill with some kind of stomach flu. (He spares listeners the grisly gastro-intestinal details.) His hate-word is irregardless. I think anyone who uses this word should be charged with a felony and thrown in the Butt Hut for at least six months. He's also not a fan of businesses that name themselves Millennial, but omit the second "n". Dan doesn't think it's a good idea for a business to advertise their bad spelling skills to the world. Finally, he's against people who use apostrophe's for plurals. He saw a sign that had two plurals, one with the apostrophe and one without. Tom would not shop at any place that had such signage. He knows it would be bad merchandise if their signs contain bad grammar. I just thought of a kicky alternative title for this recap: Eats, Shooting Pain & Leaves.
- Mo in Rochester, NY, calls (starts at 2:01) to reprimand people who refer to her as "doll". She allows for two exceptions: diner waitresses and men older than 70. She works at a bookstore where middle-aged men and guys in their late-20s call her "doll". Tom thinks it's weird and gross. He believes these men should save that kind of talk for The Club. Mo says the goons say it in a voice that's more Joey from Friends than Humphrey Bogart as they buy their laddie magazines or The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Tom imagines one of these dirty crettens calling Mo "doll" when they ask for the new issue of FHM with Tara Reid on the cova. The bottom line: Tom feels her pain.
- A caller says (starts at 2:02) he hates the use of "mad" as an adjective indicating a large amount. For example, "He's pumpin' mad weight." Tom hears him, but he doesn't trust him, so he cuts him short before he could hang himself with a goofball routine.
- Jeff in rainy, dark, and miserable Seattle calls (starts at 2:03) to complain about the excessive use of "like" by Valley Girls. Tom thinks he should also be mad at his time machine and GOMPs him. The bottom line: it's too late to rehash that drowning dialect. As Tom continues to transfer his old VHS tapes to DVD, he found a copy of
- Listener JJ from Omaha calls (starts at 2:05) to add the abused and overused "art" to the list. Since everybody thinks they are an artist of some sort, the definition has been blurred. JJ says that he's an artist, and his work includes making video games and painting. Tom is initially confused about how someone who makes video games could be mad at other people calling themselves artists. JJ says he considers the video games commercial work and illustrations. He dodges Tom's bullet!
A bit later in the program, Tom says that the term is not overused when it comes to describing Mike the Associate Producer's screening process. He compares his work to conducting like Zubin Mehta in front of a Minority Report-esque console.
- A female writer requests (starts at 2:07) Tom's help in deciding how to spend the money she just received from a NJ State Council on the Arts grant. She says that the NJSCotA has guidelines that cite the authorized expenditures. For example, you can use the money to pay rent, but you can't buy anything over $300 that is considered "equipment". You can buy dog food, but you can't buy cat food. She plans to write a novel about a family growing up in 1970s New Jersey and their reaction to the oldest son in the family being a POW. Tom points out that this reminds him of his one-man show called Dutch. The piece examines how the titular character, a Vietnam vet from the 109th battalion, deals with his increasing disillusionment with right-wing politics as he toils away at a Muffler Row repair shop. The caller wants to know if Dutch randomly tries to strangle people because that's what her uncle did when he returned from Vietnam. Dutch doesn't do that. Tom tells her that he's estranged from his daughter and was a big Republican until Bush soured him on the party. Tom tells the caller that he'll be doing his show, which is being funded by an $800,000 MoveOn grant, at the Paper Mill Playhouse in Millburn, NJ. Here gives her a tease: the show starts with Dutch being startled by the audience, who he believes are intruders in his residence.
The caller wants to know if Dutch is an acid casualty. Tom says he did heroin in Vietnam, and "All Along The Watchtower" plays in the background every time he talks about the war. As the song plays, footage of bombs falling on Dutch will be projected behind him. The sounds of choppers will be lifted right from a Pink Floyd record and thrown into the mix. The caller wants to get back to Tom's advice for her financial prize. He knows exactly what she should spend the money on: tickets for Dutch. Tom wants her to spend her $7,500 to buy out the Paper Mill for a performance of Dutch. Since the night is such a downer, Tom took a page from the Grease handbook and curates a Vietnam Dance Party after the show featuring the music of the 1960s. "Magic Carpet Ride" is the third song of the set. The callers mentions the afterparty for Max Fischer's opus Heaven and Hell in which the backstage area was dressed to look like military barracks. Tom doesn't have the money to pull something like that off.
- Patrick in Jersey City calls (starts at 2:13) with a word that came to his attention via the Kevin Smith & Scott Mosier podcast. Tom hopes it will be "smodcast", the clever mash-up title of this weekly filthfest. In fact, it's Kevin Smith go-to word: "whatnot". He uses it as a filler when he realizes that he doesn't know what he's talking about. He uses it a lot. It's Kevin Smith's third favorite word behind s and f. Also close: cat. Tom wants to know what Patrick thinks of the Smodcast. He says there are a few interesting moments, but it's mostly just painful, profanity-laced, and unfunny. Tom wants to make sure that he's talking about the same Kevin Smith that he's familiar with. Patrick is pretty sure that it's the same guy who directed Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Clerks II. Tom was going to check out the smodcast, but then he realized that he's getting too old to live on a diet of things he hates as his exclusive fuel source. The occasional dose is fine, but he doesn't want to consume 11 helpings of Super Troopers before seeing something he likes. Tom wants to try to hold himself to a higher standard.
- Paul from Staten Island calls (starts at 2:15), and Tom's not even up to teasing Paul about Hylan Boulevard. However, he can't resist mentioning Sedutto's. Tom thinks he should get some free food for all the (mocking) advertising he's done for them in the past year. Paul thinks Tom has mentioned Sedutto's more than anyone in the history of radio. Tom says he's mentioned it more than even Mr. Sedutto. Paul last ate at Sedutto's last summer, when he got a Hebrew National shake after a trip to Jim Hanley's. Tom wants to know if the people in the Jim Hanley universe know how much Tom talks about their store. Tom thinks he should be able to walk in there and take any comic book he wants. He thinks he could pull it off because the employees are too busy arguing about the recent death of Captain America. He thinks you could walk into the store looking like Steve Buscemi and walk out looking like Walter Hudson without attracting any attention. Paul reports that Marvel is pretty serious about the death lasting seven months. Who needs Captain America? The only superhero I need is Skillet Man.
Paul doesn't like when people use "ridiculous" as a superlative. A friend saw a bad band and told him the show was ridiculous. He didn't know what she meant. Tom wonders what he and Paul are gonna do about this by singing a snippet of The Clash's "Clampdown".
[A bit more of the awesome sounds of Miles Davis as Tom recoups for the final half hour]
There are 36 minutes left. Tom's throat is tightening. He could shut the mic off and close out the show with the rest of Pangaea, but he can't be stopped. It could be his last show ever, so he wants to go out on a high note. He's not going out like a chump. You can take Tom down easily, but not that easily.
- Tom talks (starts at 2:25) about his trip to the movies the other day. He couldn't get snag a ticket to see national sensation Wild Hogs. He was on standby for two shows. Finally, he opted for a thriller called The Zodiac. He bought his ticket and settled in. (I assume he also spent a half hour helping Ms. Barberie negotiate the butter pumps.) Tom had two issues with the film. For starters, it's running time is 4.5 hours. Secondly, Barry Sobel was nowhere to be found. Tom knew it was a drama, so he figured Sobel was getting ready to spread his acting wings. He's not even in it for a minute. The film is totally Sobel-free. Tom was furious. He thinks the failure to cast Barry Sobel is a disgrace. Tom issues a spoiler warning, but since the film is based on the real-life Zodiac case, he's not too concerned.
His main beef with the film is that they don't even catch the guy. There's a big standoff, but no resolution. Tom thinks they should have caught the guy in real life, so they could catch him in the movie. Unlike the lazybones on the SFPD, Tom would have caught the killer to improve the eventual film adaptation. As we all know, David Fincher is certainly not one of Tom's favorite directors, but he did it. He made a movie Tom likes despite the lack of Sobel. Tom's pain resurfaces as he feels like he's getting punched in the side.
Prior to the feature presentation, Tom saw a trailer for Grindhouse, which leads to the final topic of the program: Come On, Guys. Tom recalls the time when Quentin Tarantino made actual movies, not tributes to the awful movies he likes. Tom wants to know when he'll start making new movies again instead of films that ask to be applauded for squeezing in a reference to Spike favorite I Spit On Your Grave. Tom can't believe that QT and Robert Rodriguez have the audacity to put Grindhouse in front of us in 2007. Tom doesn't remember those terrible movies because they were terrible and he didn't watch them. He avoided these atrocities. Tom's not interested in a tribute to the bad movies nobody wants. Tom compares the project to the absurdity of someone trying to make a comedy that was a re-imagining of Scavenger Hunt or Fatso on steroids.
Tom admires Rodriguez for building an entire junk industry like Ron Popeil with a pile of garbage that includes Sin City and the Spy Kids franchise. Tom's still waiting for RR to make a decent film instead of one that happened to be made cheaply in his Austin studio. Tom's not getting a piece of the profits, so he just wants him to shoot it in a way that yields a good movie. Tom can also tell that RR wrote the scripts and all the music.
Mike's COG is March Madness. He hates that it's all compressed into this intense, monthlong period. Tom doesn't care about college basketball in general because he believes it's the farm leagues for the NBA. Tom adds callers who are talking about the previous topic to the COG list after some guy calls to do an impression of Fred Willard in A Mighty Wind.
- Thomas (via e-mail) offers (starts at 2:35) the terrible new The Stooges album, The Weirdness. Tom hasn't heard it yet, but it doesn't see how it could be anything other than a continuation of where 1970's Fun House leaves off. Tom finds the new album very troubling, and while it works as a COG, he thinks it's also one of those things that you have to pretend didn't happen. Tom would never see The Stooges again because they will work the terrible new tunes into their set. Tom recalls the solo Iggy track, "Skull Ring", sticking out like a sore thumb when he saw them.
- Kathy from Philadelphia calls (starts at 2:38) to remind Tom that we should all thank our lucky stars that QT is out of his post-Pulp Fiction mode where he appeared in films like Destiny Turns On The Radio. Tom thinks Kathy is right. He should be thankful that QT no longer considers himself an actor. Kathy and Tom call for QT to get over the fact that he worked at Video Archives in Hermosa Beach and absorbed all the crummy genre movies. Kathy likes some of the crummy movies, but doesn't plan to make any homages to them. Kathy asks Tom if he remembers Four Rooms, the anthology film that included a segment from Robert Rodriguez. Tom recalls it: yuck. Tom pities QT because he'll never return to the height of Pulp Fiction. Meanwhile, he gets there every week. Tom was passed out on the floor for an hour, and he's already back to the summit of Mt. Olympus, ready to hear Darren Cook's set.
Kathy asks Tom to chew on the fact that QT is responsible for bringing back John Travolta. Tom takes a bite and points out that Travolta took his newfound industry clout to make one good post-Pulp movie, Get Shorty, and followed it up with 85 stinkers. Tom points out that one benefit of his recent filmography is that it makes the films he did before Pulp Fiction seem not as bad. Kathy wants to retroactively rescind his comeback. Tom says that Look Who's Talking Too (a film I inexplicably saw in a theater) is actually better than Wild Hogs? Tom wonders how dumb America is turning Wild Hogs into a total smash, while The Zodiac struggles to hit $40 million. Kathy liked Fincher's latest, but she thought you could take an hour out of it. Tom thinks she's wrong. He thought it was too short. Kathy says that she liked the film a lot, but she thinks the dense complexities might be better appreciated by reading Robert Graysmith's Zodiac book. She thought it was Fincher's best film, but Tom doesn't think that's saying much. He then disses The Game. For shame!
- Listener T calls (starts at 2:41) to issue a COG to $100+ concert tickets to see bands that were better 25 years ago. He cites two examples: a little outfit called The Police and those guys called The Rolling Stones. Tom counters with a reverse COG: people who shell out the cash for lousy stadium seats. He can't believe that people think it's worth $100 to sit a mile away from Andy Summers when he does "Mother". Listener T saw The Police at an intimate gathering of 10,000 people 25 years ago with The Go-Go's opening. He thought that was a legit rock show. He will not be attending any of the reunion gigs.
- A female caller says (starts at 2:44) she's sickened by the whole affectionate "bitch" thing. She can't stand man-on-man bitch talk or girl-on-girl bitch talk. She thinks it's played out and contributes to the coarsening of the culture. She still gets offended when someone calls her a bitch, and she only uses the term when she's madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Prediction: her favorite show is NOT Entourage. Speaking of Entourage, did you hear that Ari got flaw seats for the Lakaz game? I'm not going because Vince is throwing a party with a bunch of hotties, and I'd rather smoke crippler and play video games with Turtle anyway.
The caller is heard complaining in the background about getting cut off, but Tom was just winding things down to move on. He would not hang up on a successful call without a proper farewell. Note to callers: if you can hear Tom, you didn't get cut off.
- Daniel from Of Montreal calls (starts at 2:45) to tell a guy named Jim Carrey to "come on". He wonders if Carrey's bad taste in scripts lead him to think that Number 23 is right vehicle for him. Tom enlightens Daniel to the strong temptation to work reteam with Joel Schumacher, who revived his directing career with the Oscar-winning The Departed. Carrey previously worked with Schumacher on the critically-acclaimed Batman Forever. Tom says COG to any actor who is desperate to win an Academy Award. When Daniel saw the poster for The Majestic, he says he immediately thought it was a clear Oscar grab. Tom says that Carrey is constantly swinging for the fence to get a stupid statue. Tom puts Martin Scorsese in the same category. Tom thinks it makes you cooler if you don't have one. At least Carrey has given us one masterwork.
- FOT fave Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:47) with an apology. While he was on hold, Listener T swiped his COG thunder. Dave thought it would be rude to hang up after making it through Mike's gauntlet, so he remained on the line. Dave intended to say come on to guys in their 60s trying to play rock 'n roll. His alternate COG is to people who give lifetime achievement awards to lesser talents while failing to properly honor Bill Purray's impressive body of work.
- A female caller says (starts at 2:48) she's had enough of those hilarious FW: e-mails that contains lists like "You know you're from New Jersey when ...". Tom says anyone who sends around that type of e-mail should Come On because you know you're disposable in your workplace when ... you have time to send these things around every day.
- Keith from Brooklyn calls (starts at 2:50) to text-message a COG to his buddy, who is firing messages at him from his Blackberry computer. Keith is stuck with and old-timey cell phone. Tom's with him, but doesn't trust his loose lips.
- Vito from Bloomfield calls (starts at 2:51) to COG the NJ Transit fare increase. They've promise increased service, but he doesn't see it. He's fed up. He thinks Bill Murray should get a lifetime achievement in 5-10 years. He also thinks basketball forwards like Otis Thorpe are the root of all evil.
Vito's mention of transit triggers Tom to reveal that one of his life goals is to ride the little car that goes alongside the cars on the raised track in the Holland Tunnel. Mike says he'll get sick if he does it. Tom says he will just ride it once, not seek permanent employment there. Tom agrees that the HT is disgusting, but he still wants to ride in one of those cars.
- Mike from Chester, NJ, calls (starts at 2:53) to agree with Listener T and disagree with Dave from Knoxville. He's happy that Ozzfest 2007 is free, but Tom informs him that he will have to hand himself over to every corporation and get a new e-mail address. He warns Mike that they will turn his entire e-mail account into a spam-o-rrific billboard for their products. Mike says he will still try to see it. Tom says he'll see Mike in the parking lot of the PNC Arts Center. I hope Tom wears his zebra spandex outfit. Mike wasn't sure of the full lineup, but I've got the details:
Main Stage: Ozzy, Helloween (w/ Michael Kiske on vocals), Budgie, and Girlschool
Second Stage (rotating): Loudness, a reunited Kyuss, Living Colour, Wiggy Malmsteen, and Pete Seeger
Tent: Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, Boris Becker (think Neu! mixed with DragonForce-y power metal), and Hell Toupee (congrats Tom and Darren!)
Mike says he paid $100 to see Levon Helm at the Beacon Theatre. His special guests included Jimmy Vivino, Dr. John, and Travis Barker. Tom is impressed by the lineup. Mike says The Who were not worth that price tag, but the 67-year-old Helms can still bring it. Tom saw an ad for the The Who at the Borgata in Atlantic City, and it promised an uncut and uncensored version of the band. Tom doesn't recall a time when they were censored.
- Evan in Montclair is back (starts at 2:56) with medical advice from his wife. Tom tries to put him on hold, but hangs up on him.
Tom wonders how he dug so deep, but then asks why he even bothered to dig at all. The reason: he has the best listeners anybody ever had for a radio show. They came through during the marathon, and now Tom is returning the favor by doing it American Hero-style. A warning to all who have turned their back to The Best Show: too late for you. There is no way to do an about-face on the program. Tom suspects that someone may have a voodoo doll that they poke just when he issues his warning to the haters. They place it inside a pentagram, conduct a Keith Kincaid-style blood ritual, and conjure the evil spirits to send pain to his side. Alas, it's to no avail, because The Kid did it: W.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: The God of Thunder checks in to discuss his recent "ass"vertising venture, Howard Kaylan explains how Rupert Threadwell really dropped the ball, Philly Boy Roy gives his curating wish list for next year's South By South South Philadelphia (reformed Psychotic Norman!), and Tom hands the reigns over to Mike the Associate Producer for the middle hour, which means we'll hear his "The Greaseman"-inspired shock jockery and all 44 minutes of the Grateful Dead's "New Newer Newest Minglewood Blues" from 3/6/75 at the Newbridge Amphitheater (the venue got slurped up by a spaceship two weeks after that show).
A tune for the road, and I'm sending it out to Tom Scharpling because he never gave up, he never gave up, he crawled in the mud, but he never gave up. He rocked, he ruled, he drove the bus. He never asked for pity, and he never gave up. If Tom died over the past week, tell them this.
Ted Leo - "Rappaport's Testament: I Never Gave Up" (Chumbawamba cover from Mo' Living)
March 25, 2007
Mom-breaths.
I'm more like a duffel bag full of ball bearings and mayonnaise.
March 22, 2007
SXPW.
Hopes and dreams.
That Grand Canyon skywalk thingie opened. Some people are NOT happy about it though!
The deepest pits of Hades.
I'm looking forward to hearing what this national treasure serves up next.
March 21, 2007
ANY MINUTE = NOW.
If a 30-second snippet of Daniel Desario listening to Black Flag gets the boot, it's all over, kids. Don't worry, I plan on re-enacting the scene in question and then uploading the video. I am the new James Franco! Viva the Intronet revolution! Anyone can be a star! Bring on lonelyomar23!
If he ever gets good, he'll be of no use to us.
March 20, 2007
"Yeah, it's called a connection."
Guy got him. He's still working the material out, and the guy got him.
Laughable, man.
Last fall when the Nike+ 45:33 thing came out, I would pretty much yog to it JUST to hear the part that eventually turned into "Someone Great". I wanted to run to that part and only that part forever and ever.
Murphy talks about the transition (or the unintentional one) from "Someone Great" to "All My Friends" in this Breihan piece, but I really wish he'd talk about the 15:47 transition from twinkly to dark that the Nike thing does. I love that just as much as the song itself.
March 19, 2007
Love and Money.
"We've had our differences, Tom, but you have my utmost respect." -- Scratchy Record, giving it up to his old buddy
"I think I need to bring you like a schmata or something to wipe up with there." -- Laura Cantrell, looking for an old cloth to remove the sweat from Tom's brow
"You get to blend things at Thomas Sweet's!" -- Tom on the Hub City's frozen mash-ups
"It's like midnight basketball for the 21st Century. It keeps kids off the street." -- Tom on the podcast's outreach to the community
"Waldwick? Where's Waldwick?" -- Tom, stumped by the 07463 pocket of his home state
"You know what? You take that Shins album, you throw it in the garbage can compared to the new Ted Leo record." -- Tom on his early pick for the best album of 2007
"It's dog eat dog, and I'm the dog!" -- Tom, transforming into a hungry canine after Ted Leo's Adam Ant cover
"You can yell at him about why he likes Beyonce so much." -- Tom, urging pledgers to take Matthew Fluxblog Perpetua to task
"I would pledge more, but I was mugged recently." -- Ted from Philadelphia, Roy Jr's latest victim
"The people in Chicago: every cent you pledge to the show is one less horrible slice of pizza that you eat in your life." -- Tom on the dreaded brick with sauce
"I hope Bonnie's not pledging with Green Stamps." -- Tom on the possibility of a Georgian pledging with Henry from Captain Crunchlet's favorite form of currency
"Welcome to Success Philly-Style, my self-help series that'll help you succeed in every faucet of your life." -- Philly Boy Roy, launching his new motivational speaking career
"I want lightning to shoot out of my fingers and lift Daniel into the air with it." -- Tom, empowering himself to smote the volunteer for his loveless laughter
"FMU made me puke, but Tom helped settle my stomach." -- Julie from NY, NY on the soothing qualities of The Best Show
"I photosynthesize when I'm in Chicago." -- Ted on the land where pork is a vegetable
"And don't leave me hanging on the telephone." --Tom, using his antenny to pull a funny, post-The Nerves segue from the cosmos
"Try Voodoo Lounge on for size. That's a good album." -- Tom, trying to help Ted get over the sting of Steel Wheels
"Own it! Own your victory! You won. You Mad Max'd 'em. They were fat and flabby." --Tom congratulating Dawn of Other Music on toppling of Tower Records
"Ixnay on the Glaxokay." -- Tom, asking Ted Leo to omit the British pharmaceutical giant Glaxo-Smith-Welcome from his anti-corporate rant (he's a shareholder)
"Save the podcast and respect must be paid to Ernie Anastos." -- FOT Fido, supporting Best Show Law #2 with a Mouse of Today pledge
"I'm like Stallone. By that I mean I'm completely wired on human growth hormone right now." -- Tom on his kinship with the juiced-up Chuamp
"You don't bring me flowers, BUT YOU BRING ME PLEDGES!!!" -- Tom on the very reasonable trade-off
"I don't get what I need from Infinity or Clear Channel / I don't get what I want from the satellite pay channels / There's always somethin' on this freeform station / Hell, sometimes I even listen to JM in the AM 'cause that's entertainment, that's entertainment la la la la laaaa." -- Ted Leo, adapting The Jam for The Magic Factory
[TBSOWFMU - 3/13/07 / Podmirth [SAVED] / Video & Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Blitz - "Someone's Gonna Die"
( Click here to buy The Complete Blitz Singles Collection)
The Real Kids - "Solid Gold (Thru and Thru)"
( Click here to buy The Real Kids)
New Order - "Love Vigilantes"
( Click here to buy Low-Life)
Chris Bell - "You and Your Sister"
( Click here to buy I Am The Cosmos)
Negative FX - "Citizen's Arrest"
( Click here to buy Negative FX & Last Rights)
Celtic Frost - "Progeny" (Ted-approved)
( Click here to buy Monotheist)
Bonus Tracks:
The Nerves - "One Way Ticket"
( Click here to buy Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1995)
Laura Cantrell - "All The Same To You"
( Click here to buy When The Roses Bloom Again)
Now is the time for us to gather together and do a conga line around the bases after blasting a Grand Slam FUNdraising Home Run:
"I like the pacing of the program. I like The Best Show pace. You're drawn in, and you're in it to win it once you get sucked in." -- Ted Leo on the power of The Best Show's flow
Tom promises some mirth and the possibility of mayhem, but the star of this show was the MUSIC. Professional musicmaker Ted Leo agreed to perform one song for every $1,000 worth of pledges that rolled in. Tom thinks he'll be lucky to get three pledges because everybody brought it so hard last week. Ted doesn't want easy. He's never accepted easy in his life, and he's not about to start tonight. Ted came to entertain. He also doesn't perform for free because his time is valuable. If his presence wasn't bringing in charitable dollars, he would invoice WFMU for travel, his standard appearance fee ($42,000 + vegan Thai buffet), ASCAP/BMI publishing, and a $100 per diem for some JC crippler. Ted's not dropping by the studio to do the same old same old song and dance routine -- he's got surprises stored in his sleeves. If Tom's The Queen, Ted's The King. They always do the right thing.
Tom was in the WFMU makeup chair for nearly two hours before the show so he could look presentable on the webcam feed. He was wrestling with Dogmo in a patch of poison oak this past weekend, and the resulting rash turned his face bright purple. At least it matches his broken toe.
The Week 2 Marathon Players:
Host: Tom Scharpling
Co-host: Laura Cantrell (not related to Jerry)
Musical Guest: Teddy "Rock Star Leo"
Phone Bank Volunteers (Tom's seen the mutants in some of the other phone rooms and concludes that he gets all the hotties):
1. Sherri (easiest laugh in the business)
2. Emily the Artist (video / still-life)
3. Matthew Fluxblog (godfather of the .mp3 revolution and noted purveyor of illegal downloads)
4. Therese
5. Mike the Associate Producer (holding down the hot corner -- hopefully no Philly sports fans pelted him with 9-volt batteries during the program)
7. Dawn (Other Music tentpole)
8. DJ Terre T (the other Queen of WFMU)
9. Sal
10. Jason aka His Majesty
11. Brett Haskins from Brett Haskins's The Clash
12. Gordon
13. Ali Farranockin
14. Michael not the Associate Producer
15. Noah
16. Kevin (Smith?)
17. Hatch aka "Joe Boogie"
18. Daniel the Derisive Laffer
19. Leopold
Computer Technician for Online Pledges: MC "Gummo" Steinberg
Monster Magnet
(early prototype of KTB's Victory Fun Pack trinket)
Bonadouche
"Do you know any Nickelback?" -- Tom, asking Laura Cantrell if she's able to perform any of band's catalog (she could not)
"No one wants to see a rock star look like Danny Bonaduce! Danny Bonaduce doesn't wanna look like Danny Bonaduce! -- Tom on the Nickelback bassist's ill-advised facial hair
Mike the Associate Producer is such a huge fan of the band that he went on a weeklong, Nickelback-themed cruise. However, he was disappointed that bassist Mike Kroeger only emerged from his cabin for 30 minutes. At one point, Kroeger drove past the receiving line on a senior scooter. The passengers had to settle for autopenned head shots. Weak.
Whirlyball
"It's like jai-alai and bumper cars. Can you believe that that never caught on?" -- Tom on Whirlyball's failure to attract a national following
Henry Owings promises to triple his pledge if Ted + Rx hand Team Chiclet their first Whirlyball defeat later this month. Tom is growing weary of all the Whirlyball talk, and he's not that impressed by the unblemished record because Henry's squad lives near the only Whirlyball venue on Earth. The home floor gives them a big advantage over visiting teams like Mogwai. Tom will make a secret trip to Atlanta to practice for two weeks before he leads a team to dethrone the champions. Hopefully, Jeff Feuerzeig will make a documentary about this historic upset.
I think it's time to start a Best Show decathalon:
1. Nonagon Slap Fights
2. Running of the Stuff Yer Face 'Bolis (aka Whirlyball Jersey-Style)
3. Rock Wall Climbing at Go Climb A Rock in Newbridge Commons
4. Shanty Building in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker
5. Crawlspaces & Cheesesteaks Board Game Breather
6. Match Fights outside of Maurice Kern's Newbridge East theater
7. Stray Dog Chase on Muffler Row
8. Timmy von Trimble Shotput
9. Lake Newbridge Freestyle Relay (from D'Amici's on E. 23rd to Aquatool's Mansion)
10. Powdered Wig Contest/Tall Bike Race through Natas Acres
More Like Lake Weirdbegon!
"He is a little strange." -- Laura Cantrell on the tall, smart, and scary Garrison Keillor
Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer is a huge Keillor fan. He waited on line at Border's to get his transcription notebook signed by the mutant Minnesotan. In addition to his Best Show producing duties, Mike transcribes every episode of The Prairie Home Companion as it airs. A competing recapper!
The Feral Kid
"I was a little nervous last week. I thought he was gonna beat me with a sock filled with quarters." -- Tom on little August's reign of terror in the phone room
"Tom, I am 13, not 12. Plus, if I had that sock of quarters, I'd have gotten a new phone." -- August zings Tom with his sharpened boomerang
Bigshots, Celebs, and High Rollers
* Jouster from AST
* Profession funnyman Paul F. Tompkins, who thinks he should count as two. Tom agrees. Viva the penny-smashing leader of the Preemie Army!
* Shakey in Saskatoon -- Neil Young back for more!
* The Rothman Brecher Agency of Beverly Hills (two pledges). The agency originally said that they didn't want your weird Grey's Anatomy spec, but agent Jim Ehrich eventually agreed to accept anything you've every written. I sent him my Family Ties and Rescue Me specs, as well as a little one-act about Watergate.
* Elayne Boosler ($10)
* Associate Producer Mike aka "The Bayonne Bleeder" (MOT)
* Jason of Jersey City
* Daniel from Clarksboro aka the bus driver not the other ones who just play xylophone
* Chris from the gauntlet-running DC Snipers
* Adam Clayton from the rock group U2
* PO! (Y3K)
* Sarah from Lu-BEC, Maine (MOT)
* DT from DT & the Shakes
* Honolulu x 2: Rock and Roll HOFer Melle Mel covers for the non-pledging podcast douches, and Duane "Dog" Chapman doles out some of his bounty
* Tony B from the Hank IV
* Purple Shirt (originally tried to pledge with a case of his new Unicycle Marathon Imperial Purple Ale)
* EFD, Ratt enthusiast
* PETEY ("What Barack Obama can do, another can do. Go, Tommy!")
* Rutager and Werner ($160 + autographed vinyl Blackout with a few bags of Hannover marching powder inside)
Pay To Play
Ted's Set:
1. Ted Leo - "Dog Eat Dog" (Adam and the Ants cover)
2. Ted Leo - "Sara" (Jefferson Starship snippet)
3. Ted Leo - "Radio Ga Ga" (Queen cover)
4. Ted Leo - "Man in the Box" (Alice In Chains snippet)
5. Ted Leo (ft. Cantrell and Scharpling) - Mennen jingle
6. Ted Leo - "Colleen" (from Living With The Living)
7. Ted Leo (ft. Cantrell and Scharpling) - "Brass In Pocket" (The Pretenders cover)
8. Ted Leo & Laura Cantrell - "Love Vigilantes" (New Order cover)
9. Ted Leo - "Chain Fight Tonight" "Rock and Roll Dreams'll Come Through" (The Gas Station Dogs cover)
10. Ted Leo - "I Won't Allow" (Citizen's Arrest snippet)
11. Ted Leo - "Walking To Do" (from Shake The Sheets)
12. Ted Leo & Tom Scharpling - "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" (Neil Diamond cover)
13. Ted Leo - "That's Entertainment (for WFMU)" (The Jam, reworked)
Ladies and gentlemen! The winner by consecutive knockout and still champion of the worlllllllld! Tom Schaaaaaaaaaaaaaarpling!
Congrats to WFMU for hitting the $900,000 mark! If you missed The Hoof and Mouth Sinfonia finale, be sure to check out all the action (video) -- the Mistress of Swag did Lita Ford damn proud, and The Kid followed by tearing it up on The Who's "A Quick One While He's Away".
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Fred from Queens calls to find out when the marathon starts, Spike checks in from the caveman room at the Madonna Inn, and the FUNdraising reverts back to the regular FUN pace for the next 50 weeks.
BUY BUY BUY Living With The Living -- the Missile Sunset of 2007! -- so Ted can get those Shins (118k) and Arcade Fire (92k) SoundScan numbers. He needs the income because he's having trouble finding employment:
For Laurie in Miami:
"First of all, guys, 'Come Sail Away' is Styx. It's Dennis DeYoung, not Steve Walsh. Ew, brother. Learn your rock. I thought this was a rock 'n roll station?!" -- Tom, taking Ted Leo and Laura Cantrell out of Kansas and back to school
(Don't forget to look under your seat!)
Hey, guess what!
March 18, 2007
March 14, 2007
37.639 secondes.
March 13, 2007
March 12, 2007
Testify.
"HOW DARE YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF WFMU! There’s people judging me right now! They’re laughing! Jerry has his old-fashioned radio program with the old records, he had the phones lit up! It was like a Christmas tree! I’m playing new records!" -- Tom on the humiliating, crash-and-burn start to the program
"Tom's show is pretty good." -- Jerry in West Orange, curbing his enthusiasm for the night's first pledge
"I did some time in Lompoc. I don't wanna talk about it." -- Tom, keeping mum on his stint at the Federal Butt Hut
"August had a shiv on him. Where do you get a shiv from, August?" -- Tom wondering where the teen volunteer got the weapon he used to extract a $1 pledge from Irwin Chusid
"Why am I here? I don’t need this. I’m friends with Paul F. Tompkins." -- Tom on ditching the marathon for his Hollywood cronies
"We don't take any sleazy advertising. We don't have mattress commercials on the station, right? There’s no mattress commercials." -- Tom, touting WFMU's independence from meddling corporate stupidity
"Why do girls not like my show?" -- Tom, pondering his male-centric listenership
"Her name is Sparkiepop, and she's awesome." -- Tom on the Superstar FOT from El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula
"I hate The Sims so much. I bought it, and I played it for like two days, and I felt so horrible because I felt like I was on the hook for someone else now. It’s like, I gotta keep this jerk happy and employed, and he’s hungry now. What about me?!" -- Tom, eschewing virtual responsibility
"It's so mushy sounding, isn’t it? Where's the groove, guy? Where's the groove -- it’s like Grandpa grooves." -- Tom, responding to David in Springfield, Va.'s request for more Al Green
"Yeah, he’s still around." -- Dan Mackta on longtime information guru/Internet butler, Jeeves
"You’ll believe that an old lady can’t fly." -- Tom, penning a new tagline for The Devil and Daniel Johnston
"The money you would buy coke with, pledge it to WFMU for just one week and then you can go back to doing coke." -- Tom, giving Brooklynites another option for their disposable income
"You want your band to rock out, you go through the Toddfather." -- Tom, defining the path to sonic success
"No more podcast would make me angrier than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding." -- Jeffrey in Slate Hill, NY
"Pompton Plains is on the list for a new Quiznos. Soon guys, soon. Keep writing your Congressman." -- Tom on the town's quest for toasted subs
"Dead Moon, we’ve got a dead room. Dead phone room." -- Tom, cracking himself up during a lull
"Well maybe people don’t like it no more, maybe that’s why they’re not pledgin’ and stuff." -- Philly Boy Roy, proposing a theory about WFMU's financial shortfall
"Oh, come on, you dumb Philadummy stupid." -- Philly Boy Roy, ripping Tom for his failure to recognize the name Ike Goldenberg
"I like his beard. He’s got an awesome beard." -- Tom, admiring the facial hair of Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger
"Princeton. It’s a great town. Princeton. Smart people down there. A Beautiful Mind. Did that guy pledge? John Nash?" -- Tom, looking for a contribution from the famed mathematician
"I might have to visit the troops." -- Tom, discovering that the podcast is taking off like wildfire in the US Navy
"Anyone who doesn’t pledge should get ready for a hot oil bath. Let’s make this pledge drive a W." -- Mac in Austin, using threats to keep the undefeated streak alive
"It's Patton Oswalt and Eugene Mirman, Maria Bamford, and I think, um, Brian Hussein, perhaps." -- Tom, listing the Comedians of Comedy
"Turn me from a mere mortal into a God. Make me eternal." -- Tom, making a run at 20k
[TBSOWFMU - 3/6/07 / Podmirth [**DOWN TO 32 - LAST CHANCE TO SAVE IT**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
Parts & Labor - "The Gold We're Digging"
( Click here to pre-order Mapmaker)
Volcano Suns - "Bumper Crop" (from the OOP Bumper Crop)
( Click here to visit the Volcano Suns Myspace fun pit)
Fugazi - "Hello Morning"
( Click here to buy the Furniture +2 single)
Jesse Sykes & The Sweet Hereafter - "You Might Walk Away"
( Click here to buy like, love, lust & the open halls of the soul)
New Radiant Storm King - "Fighting Off The Pricks"
( Click here to buy The Steady Hand)
The Reatards - "Human Race"
( Click here to buy the Plastic Surgery 7")
Bonus Track:
Sebadoh - "Violet Execution"
( Click here to buy the SEMINAL III)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! They told him not to yell. They told him not to beg. The Kid yelled and begged. Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate 50 weeks of FUN and the first week of the FUNdraising:
"You can hate me and pledge. Don't love me and not pledge." -- Tom
"The Best Show is unstoppable, untoppable, and undefeated in 2007. Tom is like The Queen: he gets in his Range Rover and crushes everyone and everything in his path." -- Omar, unread pledge comment
"Hello, Jason? Yes, I'd like to do the Double Mouse this year. Did you get the blood pudding I sent you, dear? We all miss you terribly."
The Night of the New Crusade
The main thrust of tonight's effort was saving the struggling podcast. Tom lost two subscribers in the past week, so the count is down to an embarrassing 32. That's sick. The podcast experiment is a failure. There’s a lot of people working to make it happen, but it’s an undeniable flop. Tom says that he's become the punchline to jokes told by his colleagues in the podcasting community. He points out that people are subscribing to all the junk in the iTunes Comedy slate, yet he can’t break 50. Any Cro-Magnon can acces The Best Show podcast, but few actually do. This is unacceptable. Tom’s getting e-mail pleas about keeping the podcast, but he'll euthanize it unless he gets 100 pledges of support in each of his two marathon shows.
When Tom mentioned his goal to station management, they laughed in his face. They said he couldn't do it. Tom wants to prove them wrong, and he'll have to do it while standing on a broken, purple toe for three hours. Tom's doctor told him that if he did the show, there would be a 70% chance that the toe would have to be amputated, and a 30% chance that he would die on the air. Tom was unphased. "Get outta my way. I've got a show to do," he told the the medical man. The bottom line: this is straight-up WAR. Tom attacked the extravagonza like a Mayan warrior from Melvin Gibsons's Apocalypto. He's not messing around, and he wants all the rich guys listening to to show at home on their fancy Hammacher Schlammacher sound devices to open their wallets. Tom was as ferocious as a caged animal, and in the course of his passionate tour-de-force, he suffered an additional injury: a broken wrist. It didn't stop him because he can't be stopped.
He's supposed to be #1 on everybody's list, but iTunes says it's Garrison Keillor, and he's s hit. We'll see what happens when The Best Show podcast no longer exists. Are you not entertained? What more can Tom say?
The Marathon Players:
Host: Tom Scharpling
Co-host: Dan Mackta
Phone Bank Volunteers (a who's who of hott stuff with a penchant for jumping around the room like orangutans):
1. The lovely, glamorous, and henna-headed St. Therese de Lisieux aka "The Little Flower of WFMU":
2. Sherri:
3. Jen (reviewing her pledge sheets with two slobs):
4. Jason aka Louie the Liverpudlian, all the way from the United Kingdom and fast becoming Jersey City's finest chimney sweep:
5. The one and only August aka The Teen Titan:
Edison's Medicine
"He's gonna come in here and crack an Edison cylinder over my head if I don't make any money!" -- Tom on his potential punishment at the hands of Jerry Fabris (Jerry skipped the old-timey smash-up, but he did give Tom the one-gun salute as he exited the studio)
Yes/No
"We’ll take pledges from prisoners." -- Tom, recognizing that his audience contains a sizable portion of criminals (apprehended + those still at-large)
"I don’t want pledges from Josef Mengele." -- Tom, drawing the line at the Nazi "Angel of Death"
Billy(sburg) Ball
"What’s wrong, Brooklyn? The kickball game in extra innings?" -- Tom on the borough’s lack of early support
"How do you run around the field with that white belt on?" -- Tom, asking a pledger for some insight into his sports gear
"Alabama is making Brooklyn look pretty sloppy and lazy, I gotta say. Brooklyn, did you ever think you were gonna get shown up tonight by Alabama? You know what? You’re getting shown up by Alabama. You keep going, Alabama!" -- Tom, fanning the North/South flames
Snobs vs. Slobs
"I'm a hero to the little guy, I’m a hero to the slob, the loser, the nobody. People got nothing going on in their lives, workin’ some miserable job in a factory, they listen to this show for three hours, they feel empowered, they feel like they’ve got something to live for. For three measly hours, their life isn’t terrible." -- Tom, providing a balm for the working stiffs
"This guy’s a slob, he’s a college student! He’s got nothing going on in his life, and he stepped up and pledged!" -- Tom, commending Taylor, an aspiring chemical engineer who called from the Manhattan College library
"The only place I fit in is the kind of place where you walk in, you pay $10, and then you get a plate and put your own food on your plate. The only kinda place I fit in! I’m a slob, not a snob!" -- Tom on not being cool enough for the hipster havens
"Sure you’ve got problems. You do drugs. You steal at work. You lie to people. This is your one chance at redemption. This is your one shot." -- Tom, giving hope to the riff-raff
Tommy 5
"I got two hours to go, and I’m already peaking. What am I gonna do? I can’t make it. I’m not gonna make it." -- Tom, feeling the heat after the first hour
"Throw those cards out. I’m done with the marathon. The fuse is my head just exploded. It just popped." -- Tom on his momentary short-circuiting
Sim City
"I live in this universe. I live here. These are my people." -- Tom, embracing the world he birthed
"It’s like you just got dropped into like The Sims or something, and you’re trying to figure it out. It’s like an alternate universe." -- Tom, taking Mr. Mackta through the looking glass and into the heart of Newbridge
"You know what world I like? THIS WORLD!" -- Tom, appreciating this life and rejecting a second one
God's Country
"I want Montclair, I want Bloomfield, I want Wayne, I want … Union, Kenilworth, Springfield, let’s get 'em all. Summit. Clark, for goodness sake." -- Tom, calling for home state support
"Look, I'm not crazy about the fact that my show appeals to those ‘limousine liberals’ up in Massachusetts." -- Tom, preferring pledges from the conservative bastions of Salt Lake City, Utah, and Wyoming
"One thing about Jersey, makes it better than everywhere else? How many times in New Jersey have I touched a gas nozzle? How many times? Zero. Zero!" -- Tom on hands-off glory of FULL SERVE
Tour Guide
Throughout the course of the evening, Tom noted some of New Jersey's hottest hott spots:
* Union, NJ - the Coconuts on the very dangerous stretch of the Double Deuce
* West Caldwell, NJ - new Quiznos and a new Exxon station that offers coffee, soda, and snacks
* Westfield, NJ - no Quiznos, but they've got a Trader Joe's
* Piscataway, NJ - no Quiznos, but they've got a Subway
* Keansburg, NJ - amusement park
* Mile Square City - Benny Tudino's for a slice
FWD
"Satellite radio wanted nothing to do with me. I was gonna make a move to satellite radio at one point. I had a deal with Little Steven. He stabbed me in the back, that rat. You know what? You know what I wanna do to Little Steven? Rip that babushka off his head and jam it down his throat." -- Tom, reserving another spot in the Hate Pit
OR
Tom wants three more phones to ring before he spins some vintage 'Mats to promote the prize giveaway of You Don't Talk To Me Like That, I Talk To YOU Like That: The Best of the Replacements. He uses Emerson, Lake, and even Palmer as a threat, and the people rally to pull the plug on the prog.
Bebe's Kids
"He’s nuts. He wanted my Myspace password. He’s like, 'I can look for them more effectively if you give me your password.'" -- Tom, giving Dan Mackta a backgrounder on Bebe Williams, the show's most committed wrangler of "Clubbers"
Zung, Son
"That's a dig. That’s a flat-out dig, but you know what? People have every right to insult each other in the comments section as long as you pledge." -- Tom giving the greenlight after Brian in Long Beach, CA, enrolled Henry from Campbell's Chunky Quarterly in phone manners school
- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 1:58) to make a $1 pledge to the "little telethon" for what he believes is a high school radio station. He wants to know "how much money youse raised so far." Tom tells him it’s going well, but more support is always needed. PBR thinks more pledges aren't pouring in because maybe people don’t like it no more. He says the the word in Roxboro is that WFMU is terrible. Tom points out that there is no equivalent station in Philadelphia, but PBR reminds him that they have WIP sports radio. Tom explains that WFMU is not a sports radio station. PBR says the lack of sports programming is why more people don't listen, and he mocks New Jersey for not having pro baseball team. Tom tells him that there are two in New York, and PBR says New Jersey is New York’s armpit. He cackles at his quip.
PBR says he will increase his pledge amount to $10 if Tom plays a song for him. Tom correctly guesses his request on the first try: “And We Danced” by The Hooters. PBR is surprised Tom got it, but Tom tells him that he requests the song every time he talks about music. PBR laments that Tom don’t never play it and gives him another option: “A Woman’s Got The Power” by The A’s. He mentions that the song was covered by one of Tom's homies -- Clarence Clemons (RIP). Tom is certain that he can go toe-to-toe in a NJ vs. Philly battle, so PBR wants to break it out. Tom goes first:
NJ: Frank Sinatra
Philly: PBR goes Tom like 10 times bigger than that with Mike Schmidt, who's had more social impact in terms of benefiting the world.
Philly: PBR takes Tom like 5 up from that one by dropping Ashford & Simpson.
NJ: Yo La Tengo
PBR is not familiar with this entry: "Who's he?". Tom says it’s a band, and PBR thinks Yolo is an odd first name for a man. Tom tries to correct him, but PBR now believes the name is Yo-Yo like the Duncan yo-yo toy. Tom tells him that this is not accurate, and PBR asks Tom not to start yelling at him.
Philly: PBR one-ups YLT with Ike Goldenberg
Tom doesn’t know who that is, so PBR calls him a “dumb Philadummy stupid”. He explains that Ike is the candyman responsible for his beloved Goldenberg Peanut Chews. Tom was not privy to the history of that regional confection.
PBR has a quick question about the young lady he talked to when he called in earlier. He felt like they had a little connection, and he says that her name sounded like "Perez". Tom informs him that he spoke to Therese, and PBR requests a spelling. PBR asks Tom to shoot him a .jpg of her. Tom refuses because the image of Therese is none of PBR's business. PBR is disappointed because things are a little tough on the homefront. Tom points out that PBR is a married man, but PBR wants a definition of “married”. Tom wants to get back to the fundraising, and PBR says he’ll give him a $1 to buy a new turntable for his high school station. Tom tells him to have a good night, but PBR wishes Tom a bad evening as a parting shot.
Fry-Up
Number of traditional English breakfasts prepared during the show: 1 (Jason)
Highbrow Trio
Slim in Astoria compares Tom to Maimonides, Gahndi, and Francis Bacon (did he mean the painter?). Tom is not familiar with My Mamma or Bacon, but he thinks Gahndi’s a Good Guy.
Teen Titan Transgressions
(©KTB)
Young Augie probably thought he was just going to do some nice volunteer work for a good cause, but his boredom frequently led to hooliganism. His gonzo behavior included violence, theft, and, perhaps worst of all, rocking back and forth in his chair. Here's the highlights:
* August puffed tuff on and mixed cocktails with a plastic-tipped cigarello as an homage to journalist Hunter S. Thompson. (My sources revealed that he did his research and used HST's preferred TarGard model)
* August acquired a shiv and shanked Irwin Chusid to get him to pledge $1 before he fled the studio
* August carved a Best Show prison tattoo into his forearm using the aforementioned shiv. Despite the self-mutilation, his mommy assures Tom that he’s a good kid.
* August jumped around the room while playing with a SuperBall.
* August was very rude to Zeph Marshack on the phone. He threatened to throw his shoe in Zeph's face and dump a vanilla milkshake on his head. He also refused to sing "The Hamster Dance" per Zeph's request. Mr. Marshack became angry and vowed to to come down to the studio and force August to eat a caulk-filled eclair. He reduced his Mouse to a $75 (he selected Jason Elbogen's premium)
* August shoved WFMU office supplies into his pockets. He also heisted the elusive French proto-metal comp, which was released last year by Sam Seder Records.
August's antics didn't stop Scott from Morristown 07960 from putting him on some weird, third-party ticket for the 2008 Presidency. While I think August would make an excellent Commander-in-Chief with his extensive strategic skills, I remain loyal to my candidate:
Chants x 3
"YOU CAN’T TOP THE BEST SHOW! (YOU CAN’T STOP THE BEST SHOW!) YOU CAN’T TOP THE BEST SHOW! (YOU CAN’T STOP THE BEST SHOW!) YOU CAN’T TOP THE BEST SHOW! (YOU CAN’T STOP THE BEST SHOW!)" -- Tom, orchestrating a call-and-response chant with the phone bank volunteers
"Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ! Passion of the Christ!" -- Tom, trying to get the phones ringing by reviving a classic
"Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen! Tom is The Queen!" -- The Phone Room, confirming Tom's royal status in rousing fashion
Lone incorrect zip code: Randolph, NJ - 00000 07869
Tom Sings
* "800-989-9368, Best Shoooooow" (original jingle)
* "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" (brief warm-up for a Laurie-requested duet with August; it never happened)
* ELP’s "Karn Evil 9: 2nd Impression"
* Nickelback’s "Photograph"
* James Blunt's "Beautiful"
Celebrity Pledgers
* Andy in Oklahoma City - Animal Suit Wrangler for The Flaming Lips
* Scott in Village, Oklahoma - Space Bubble Technician for The Flaming Lips
* Brian in Norman, Oklahoma - Dancing Alien for The Flaming Lips
* J.J. McClure, Burt Reynolds character from The Cannonball Run (unconfirmed)
* PFT!
* Neil Young aka "Shakey" in Saskatoon (unconfirmed)
* The King of Salty Arabia (Y3K; naming rights to Mike the Associate Producer's chair, which is now called Sahib's Torture Chamber)
* Jedediah and Megan from The Danielson Mafia
* Todd-O-Phonic Todd and Siss-O-Phonic Cheryl from The Hoboken Music Mafia
* John Nash (unconfirmed)
* Aberzombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries (Mouse + donated a bronzed and autographed pair of Hollister flip-flops)
* Jake Gyllenhaal (entire family fortune)
* Todd Hanson, bigshot head writer for The Onion (Mr. Hanson required Tom to declare, "My favorite person is Todd Hanson.")
* The Goner Records Crew
* Todd Hutchins from LifeChanges ($120 + donated all 17 volumes of Tornado Todd's Skank Patrol DVD series and a few boxes of the new Faux Nuggs Cripplerz™ fruit chews for next's weeks prize stash)
TOTAL HAUL: $21,000+ US -- Tom's all-time best!
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Renowned troubadour Mr. Theodore Leo brings his guitar (and a bottle of buckie?) to play songs for money. This is a mission, and the Good Guys will win. Pledge.Repeat.Pledge.Repeat.Pledge!
Tune in to find out if the podcast is going the way of the Wometco Home Theater, the Betamax, or The Uncle Floyd Show:
If you don't pledge, you are NOT forgiven:
Call or hit the World Wide Web on Tuesday, March 13th, between 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. EST and get your money on Tommy's books! Don't give it to some douche who plays kalimba records.
800-989-9368!
March 10, 2007
nifty nifty...look who's 50!
Problem solved. Just look for those silly black balloons on the mailbox and you've got your man!
March 9, 2007
2 icons of Seventies culture.
March 7, 2007
C'est Magnifique.
March 6, 2007
Heavier Than Heaven.
"Not gonna be a good one. I can feel it. I feel weak. I feel weakened. Ohhh, Daddy needs his vitamin water." -- Tom, drinking the $2 Kool-Aid
"I’m not interested in transvestite midgets who want to, you know, sleep with lesbian washing machines. You know, I’m not interested in that." -- Spike, rejecting daytime talk shows
"It was like Barfly. Barfly with pens." -- Tom on the depressing Artist Alley at the NY Comic Convention
"Oh, he's furious." - Tom on Mel's reaction to the terrible podcast subscriber tally
"What has ever been fake about New York? It's not like Studio 54 was in New York." -- Tom on the city's aura of authenticity
"I know I will die having not seen Pan's Labyrinth." -- Tom, skipping Guillermo Del Toro's fontasy creepfest
"If that wins for Best Screenplay, everyone can write that." -- Tom on Little Miss Sunshine inspiring the the Oscar within each of us
"What happened to that two-shot? We had a two-shot somewhere in there, Herbie." -- Tom, collaborating with a sentient editing machine
"I'm afraid of deep-dish things. I'm just afraid it's too deep for me, that I won't be able to handle it, and I'll look emasculated." -- Paul F. Tompkins, bracing for his first trip to Chicago
"I've seen better Columbias in New York City, but you'll do." -- Jake Fogelnest, working the midnight Rocky Horror line in Philadelphia
"I'm gonna throw up if you keep going." -- Tom, putting an end to Fogelnest's Rocky Horror performance
"The Daleks are the Grouch Marx mustaches of the 70s and 80s." -- Tom on Dr. Who's mutant garbage cans
"Fred Willard. Can we pull the plug on that, finally? Isn't it time? Can we admit that Fred Willard is good, but not great?" -- Tom, checking the expiration date on the comic character actor
"He uses it for evil at times." -- Weirder Jon on Tony Banks's nefarious keyboard skills
"No paper around at the time? Couldn't get it out of your system with a pad?" -- Tom, suggesting an alternate canvas for Jedediah's tattoos
"If GG Allin gets into heaven, though, everyone gets into heaven." -- Tom on the admission standards of The Great Beyond
"We gotta get in there and humiliate every other show on the station. My goal: drain all the money from Tuesday night. That way it's a desert from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m." -- Tom, preparing for battle at 2007 WFMU Marathon
[TBSOWFMU - 2/27/07 / Podmirth [**GIVE IT PLEDGES OR GIVE IT DEATH**] / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]
**Pledge tonight during The Best Show and get The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show 2007 Victory Fun Pack!**
Kenny Smith (w/ The Maximum Feeling) - "Skunkie"
( Click here to buy One More Day)
Dr. Dog - "Worst Trip"
( Click here to buy We All Belong)
Apples In Stereo - "Same Old Drag"
( Click here to buy New Magnetic Wonder)
Rob Crow - "I Hate You, Rob Crow" (Album Version)
( Click here to buy Living Well)
Talulah Gosh - "I Can't Get No Satisfaction (Thank God)"
( Click here to buy Backwash)
Heavenly - "Me And My Madness"
( Click here to buy The Decline and Fall of Heavenly)
Bonus Track:
The Sea Urchins - "Pristine Christine"
( Click here to buy CD86: 48 Tracks from the Birth of Indie Pop)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
- Spike calls (starts at 23:38) to prove that he's better than the closed-phone concept that Tom rightfully put in place. He gets off to a bad start by announcing that he wants to see the demise of daytime talk shows like Ellen, Oprah, Maury, and The Frink Springer Show. Tom's not familiar with the program hosted by Frink Springer, so Spike clarifies that he's the guy who gets people to slapfight on his stage. Tom informs him that it’s Jerry Springer and suspects that Frink is another one of Spike’s clever nicknames. Spike says he actually thought his first name was Frink. Tom can understand how these two names could be easily mistaken.
Spike thinks there are too many of these shows, and he longs for a return to the days when daytime television was ruled by game shows and soap operas. He has no interest in the sensationalized talkers that provide a national forum to transvestite midgets who want to sleep with lesbian washing machines. Spike said this topic was from Geraldo, but it was actually a week-long, Maytag-sponsored segment on Ricki Lake back in 1994. I still have it on VHS, although Monday’s show didn’t record for some reason. The mishap worked out well, however, because now I've got an hour of Headbanger’s Ball as a lead-in. It’s the episode where the members of Anthrax took Riki Rachtman skeet shooting. At the end of Friday's show, an audience member in convincing Divine get-up stuffed three midgets into the "lipstick washer" and let it rip on the delicates setting as the audience cheered.
Spike wants to see classic game shows like The Hollywood Squares, Match Game, Concentration, and Remote Control return to the schedule. While Wheel of Fortune still airs at night, Spike would like to see it back in its old daytime slot of the mid-1970s. When Spike gets home from work at 3 p.m., he flips on Judge Joe Brown or Judge Hatchett, and then follows up with The People’s Court or Judge Judy. While I’m sure Spike finds these great programs entertaining, I bet he’s also taking notes on the legal issues for his next court appearances.
Tom points out a Spike dichotomy: he’s a traditionalist when it comes to game shows and his stories, but his love of judge shows suggests a modernist streak. Spike says there’s room for all of these shows, and Tom concludes that he simply wants the world tailored to his preferences. Spike denies it. Tom tells him that he hates the judge shows. Spike says that everyone has their own tastes, and being a devout Democrat is one of his preferences. Tom, a devout Republican, is surprised by his political affiliation and wonders why he’s even talking to him. Spike believes that he’s a true American, but Tom heard that someone proved that Democrats have Communist allegiances. He got this information on The Sean Hannity Show. Spike denies any Communist ties and says that he’s the worst un-American piece of vermin ever. Tom tells Spike not to be so hard on himself, but he was actually referring to Sean Stannity. Tom says Hannity is a great American. Spike’s choice is Lynn Samuels. Tom thinks Hannity should be our next President, but Spike refuses to join the campaign. Tom thinks Spike should at least admit that Hannity is very handsome. Spike says he’s handsome if you’re into that type. Tom cites his giant head, and Spike claims that most Republicans have oversized craniums. Tom thinks Spike is just another “limousine liberal”. Spike starts to say that he doesn’t do limousines, but quickly remembers that he doesn’t actually own or have access to such a vehicle. Tom tells him that unlike his avoidance of shopping malls and the suburbs, Spike doesn’t have a choice in this case. Tom says it would be like him declaring that he doesn’t do private jets when he cannot afford to travel in one.
Spike resumes his assault on daytime talk shows, citing Opraaaaaaaaaaaaah’s touchy-feely, new-age nonsense and the fact that he can only stomach two seconds of Ellen’s program. Tom says that he likes Dr. Phil. Spike only watches the show when the moon is blue, but he agrees with Tom that Phil dispenses good advice. Tom mentions that Mike the Associate Producer appeared on Dr. Phil two months ago for a topic titled “I’m A Rageaholic, and I Need Help!” Spiked missed this episode. Tom tells Spike about Mike’s "rageouts", which have thankfully never happened in the studio. Tom says a listener sent him a link to one of them. In the clip, Mike smashes everything around him and then suddenly doesn’t remember any of the destruction. Spike says that sounds like half the people he works with at his mysterious U.S. government job. Tom laughs at his quip. Tom accuses Spike of being a Commie spy like Robert Hanssen, the former FBI agent whose story is told in the new film, Breach. Tom feels that it’s his duty to unmask him. Spike says he’s not high enough in the government power structure to have access to classified information. Tom doesn’t want him selling our secrets to the Commies, but Spike says the current administration is already doing that. Tom tells Spike that Dick Cheney will be spinning records on The Best Show in a few weeks. Spike doesn’t think the VP is a cool guest. He prefers Lynn, Howard, or Robin Quivers. Tom’s certain that Howard and Robin have fontasized about increasing their radio presence by coming to Jersey City on a Tuesday night for a show on a listener-sponsored station. Tom GOMPs Spike for being a nonsensical snooze.
Tom tells Spike to get his head in the game. Tom feels the “L” coming on after this disastrous start. The Best Show is undefeated in 2007, but Spike has it coming off the bench lethargically with a topic he made up while he was on hold.
Two grizzled comic book veterans saddle up to their panel discussion in the Artist Alley
- Tom says (starts at 37:52) he had the distinct displeasure of going to the NYC Comic Convention at the Jacob K. Javits Center this past weekend. He's attended the San Diego Comic-Con, the big one that counts, and he had fun goofing off in summer as he walked around the gigantic complex. This one was terrible. For starters, it's NYC in February, and the convention was overrun with angry nerds in their puffy George Costanza coats. Since these nerds are not in the greatest shape, their heavy clothing and bulging merch bags yielded a lot of heavy breathing. Tom says that every woman he saw worked for one of the dealers and was dressed in a Little Bo Peep or Lara Croft outfits. Due to their revealing costumes, every sweaty, cranky nerd was transfixed by these ladies. Tom saw a poor Little Bo Peep who was unaware that eight feet away two nerds were staring at her. The nerds got as close as they could get without her noticing their greasy presence. Tom was surprised the back of her head didn’t catch fire from their piercing gaze.
Tom headed over to the Artist Alley to check out all the comic book scribblers. As someone who's read comics throughout his life, Tom was excited to see the guys behind the work. Instead, he got to peer inside their shattered souls. Tom says the alley contained the most beaten down group of guys he's ever seen. He compares the sad scene to Barfly with pens. Tom got depressed looking at these poor slobs who spent their lives drawing Captain Marvel. At some point, they all turned around to the ripe old age of 58 and realized they are getting yelled out by some nerd who's wondering why they drew something a certain way or asking for a sketchbook critique. Tom advises the bruised vets to tell the aspiring artist to take his sketchbook and run because this style of art is only useful in comic books. He thinks their advice should be to learn to draw stuff that appears in advertising or everything else you see in the world because hyper-realistic muscle men won’t cut it. Since comic books are spiraling down the turlet, it makes no sense to try to take the jobs of barely-employed men. The bottom line: get out while you can. It's too late for the guys on the panel because they already got bit by a zombie. The nerds need to flee the convention before they, too, get chomped by the undead. Tom would have loved to have witnessed this honest career advice.
- Tom throws out (starts at 43:53) a topic courtesy of superstar listener Anne Champion, who scored last December with the Best of the Worst/Worst of the Best topic. Anne suggested that listeners look back on their lives and think of the moments when they got out of being into something. For example, Tom was into comics, but lost interest at age 12. Tom also wants to find out how these moments relate to when they should have called it quits. Tom boils the topic down to the age-old question: At what point should you be able to move on from Dungeons & Dragons? (After the show, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn issued a decisive "never" on the Charismatic Sorcerer message board.)
I was into puppeteering and magic from the age of about 5 through 8. I actually owned a Pinocchio marionette in an attempt to become what I termed a "modern-day Gepetto". Not only did I lack the requisite skills, but I pretty much had to give up the craft because I couldn't untangle the strings after my brief, herky-jerky "shows" in which the wooden boy did a primitive breakdance. I probably should have stuck with magic and tried to become a master card manipulator like Ricky Jay or steal David Blaine's thunder as a stunt performer. (I once briefly hovered over my kindergarten class before crashing into the cubby holes.) My most notable trick occurred at a show-and-tell gig in the second grade where I converted -- via magic -- a small gumball machine of sugar into a globe full of M&Ms. That same year I played Bunco the Magician, the lead character in a Much Ado About Nothing parody written by my teacher. The play got mixed reviews, but my work was praised in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald. The critic noted that my acting skills had greatly improved since I played a groundhog the prior year in a one-act tour through the year's holidays. I'm still bitter about not getting the Cupid role.
- Paul F. Tompkins, an internationally-know comedian from Los Angeles, California, calls (starts at 46:05) with a desperate plea to retain The Best Show podcast. PFT is begging on bended knee, and Tom admits that the request carries considerable weight coming from someone of his stature. PFT wants the honest subscriber total, and Tom gives him the grim news: 34. PFT thinks this is a sufficient base to keep it going and wonders about the production costs. Tom says that Mel in Hawaii takes every rough show and edits the music out for 34 people. He does it on his own time and his own dime, and the time zone difference works out perfectly. Tom tells PFT that Mel is furious about the low numbers.
PFT wants to know if this is the kind of thing Mel would be doing anyway. Tom says he’s a bigshot and the podcast is his charity work for the slobs and idiots. PFT says he should be constantly giving of himself because he lives in paradise. Tom points out that some would argue that PFT lives in paradise. PFT says the dog-eat-dog world of Tinseltown is actually seamy and squalid beneath the veneer of glamour. He does agree with Tom that everyone in Hollywood is a phony. Tom thinks PFT should come check out some authentic New Yorkers, and PFT says he's never met a single phony person in NYC. He's never even seen one because it's not possible -- the city will squeeze it out of you. Tom points out that if phony people end up in NYC, they will realize that they have to head west because they're too wormlike for the Big Apple. They don't like having their disgusting personality unmasked by the powerful vibe of honesty that permeates the city.
Tom can't think of anything that's ever been fake about New York because it's not like it ever housed a club like Studio 54. Tom then remembers that Studio 54, the fakest thing that ever happened anywhere, was in fact located in New York City. PFT says the biggest fakery was the notion that the place was about anything other than rails. Any and all snowstorms, send ‘em my way! The only good thing about Studio 54 was the time that Tom sprained Diane von Furstenberg's wrist in an arm-wrestling showdown. While Studio 54 was before my time, I do like The Terlet, the new club that's inside a houseboat on a flatbed truck in Astoria, Queens. DJ Dragon and John Tesh are always spinning great s. Last week, I was there hanging out with Corey Kennedy, Andre Royo, Jackie Clarke, and Danny DeVito. We all had at least six too many limoncellos! I was in such rough shape that I was convinced I saw Roy Cohn doing card tricks for Abigail Breslin.
Tom compares the experience of being at Studio 54 without being wired out of your gourd to a drunken baseball fan finally seeing the game in a sober state. Absent chemical aids, the activity would seem very boring. PFT points out that when you saw a picture of someone like Dick Cavett at Studio 54, you'd have to assume that he was dancing with The White Lady. Tom offers the possibility that Cavett wasn't coked up and, instead, just bummed people out with riffs about Groucho Marx or Fred Allen. Tom imagines Cavett threatening to bring the 108-year-old Marx to the club, and PFT has Cavett asking everybody if it's cool if Groucho dons his beret that looks like a golf tee. The appearance would likely be brief since Groucho would have to leave after eight minutes to receive his dialysis treatments.
PFT points out that Groucho made films at a time when it was acceptable for comedians to paint on mustaches and use electrical tape for eyebrows. Tom realizes that there were no Skywalker Ranch-grade effects houses back then, but he finds it hard to believe that these techniques were passable even in those days. He thinks these performers could at least find some horse hair and double-sided tape, but PFT says they were honoring their vaudeville roots. PFT says fake mustaches are expensive if you don’t want a metal clip in your nostrils, but he does believe that you should upgrade the costuming for feature films. Tom agrees because people are no longer paying three cents for a live show, and the film will become a historical document. Plus, the camera will be right up in their well-lit faces. Sadly, they opted for grease paint. PFT thinks Groucho Marx could have also been given a month’s heads-up to grow a real mustache to properly play the character of Groucho Marx. Tom imagines the poor reception to Borat if he traversed American wearing black-colored masking tape on his upper lip. He would approach people with his standard "My name-a Borat", and they would inform him that he was a guy with weird tape on his face. PFT thinks that instead of growing a real mustache in his older years, Groucho should have indicated the passage of time by switching from electrical tape to salt-and-pepper masking tape.
PFT points out that the faux facial accessories were not limited to hair. He's seen Leonard Maltin specials on forgotten silent-era clowns who would draw glasses on their faces. PFT says that even a kid with short pants and a newsboy cap who paid half a penny to see a Vaudeville show would be angry about this bold rejection of any sort of production values. Tom says an audience member would conclude that they could do better despite being in the throes of the Great Depression. PFT thinks the plentiful pipe cleaners should have allowed people to make all kinds of decent props.
Tom thinks the lack of competition is part of reason why the Harold Lloyd stuff still works now. Tom was watching the Harold Lloyd box set, and he enjoyed everything except when he started talking in the 1930s. Tom says these films are not as bad as the late-period Buster Keaton in which Frankie Avalon dumps a milkshake on his head in a Beach Party film. PFT feels a wave of nausea because he realizes that this may be his future. He fears that some young director will discover an old stand-up special and stick him in his teen exploitation movie as Dirty Old Man #2. In the film, PFT's pants will drop, he'll fall down in the mud, and then get run over by a car. Tom adds getting sprayed with a riot hose to the mix of endless humiliations on his frail body. PFT just stood on stage and talked, while Dane Cook jumped around like a lunatic. Tom believes Cook is more deserving of the riot hosing. PFT barely moved his entire life.
PFT says he didn't miss a single second of the Oscars, which he watched at a party featuring gambling. His picks were a bust because he relied too heavily on his old pal Entertainment Weekly. The magazine's blurbs sabatoged him. They even hoodwinked and flim-flammed him on the costume design category. Last year, PFT nearly won by using his instinct and deductive reasoning. Of all the nominated films, Tom says he will never see Pan’s Labyrinth because it looks like the creepiest, most unpleasant movie ever. PFT's seen it, and it is! He says it's worth a rental. Tom knows he will die having not seen it. The clips of the guy with the eyes on the hands were enough to scare Tom off. Tom wants PFT's take on the success of Little Miss Sunshine. PFT thought it was fine when he viewed it on DVD. He enjoyed it while he was watching it, and then it left his mind completely when it was over. Tom thinks that this ephemeral quality is the hallmark of good writing and inherent to all Best Screenplay winners Tom also noticed that the DVD cover art is promoting the four alternate endings that appear as bonus features.
Tom thinks you know you're in the hands of master when five endings were filmed. PFT reminds Tom that it was originally going to be marketed like Clue with remote-enabled seating that allowed audiences to choose their preferred ending. One option: Alan Arkin rising from the dead and wondering if his granddaughter did the crazy dance. Tom thinks that Little Miss Sunshine proved that everyone listening has it in them to write a movie that could win an Oscar for Best Screenplay. Paul liked how they really fleshed out the crazy Mom played by Toni Collette, and Tom liked how they went back to the well for the old nugget of a goth kid wanting to be in the Air Force. Tom's pretty sure that the USAF would deny his admittance because he's weird and would crash one of their planes. PFT says the best he could hope for was a Captain agreeing to do a six-month hazing without any flight duties. His fate would be daily Code Reds in the form of being hit with soap-filled socks by all of his colleagues.
A clip from Michael Mann's controversial Oscar tribute to America
PFT wonders why the Oscars continue to bother with a host. He thinks the dude should just announce people and have them tag-team it like they used to do in the clubs. Tom points our that those who criticize Ellen DeGeneres should realize that she was only in about nine minutes of the show. PFT says she did exactly the same job that everybody else does. Tom did like the stirring Michael Mann tribute to America. PFT had to ask somebody about the theme of the montage because he noticed an awful lot of scenes involving the Ku Klux Klan. The KKK quotient was more than PFT was comfortable with. Tom speculates that the piece was a tribute to Mann’s collection of 40 DVDs. He thought the inclusion of a clip from Far and Away was pushing it. I did appreciate the scene from Vice Squad. As I've said many times before, nothing says "America" quite like a demented Wings Hauser.
Tom confirms that there was an inordinate amount of Klan content, including clips from Triumph of the Will The Birth of a Nation and the funny Klan stuff from O Brother, Where Art Thou?. Tom accidentally cited the Nazi propaganda piece because he is often thrown by the hateful word "of". PFT wants to know if "of" is a conjunction, but Tom's out of school and done with knowing things like that. I'm pretty sure it's a transitive verb. PFT thinks that if we are going to assume that a billion people watch the telecast, it's probably a good idea not to broadcast images of a racist organization to the world. Tom doesn't think that people around the world need America rubbed in their faces because the whole show is about America. He sums up the likely response of weary worldwide viewers: “America. We get it.”
Since the Oscars are not talking place around the 4th of July holiday, PFT wonders if the U.S. Government asked the producers of the show to put something together to highlight the greatness of America. PFT thinks Mann's use of Klan imagery might have been an act of defiance against the request for a patriotic puff piece. Mann stuck it to them by showing the world the treatment of Muhammad Ali in his film Ali. PFT says that Ali is a film that he forgot happened. Tom thinks they should have awards for acting and award for people who did impressions in movies. He thinks Will Smith should win for the latter. Tom is confident that he could effectively ape someone on film. I'd like to see The Kid have a go at Ted Knight, Paul Stanley, or Brian O'Halloran in the eventual Kevin Smith bio-pic.
PFT points out that Cate Blanchett's full-on Hepburn in The Aviator still wasn't as good as Martin Short's take on the Hollywood legend. PFT would have preferred that Martin Scorsese cast Short in the role. Tom thinks they should have at least had Short ADR the dialogue. PFT makes a reference to the famous dubbing on Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (Andie MacDowell's lines were looped by Glenn Close), so Tom assumes he's a bit of a movie buff. PFT says he wants to be a movie fan again, but he has a very small window for seeing new releases. He either catches a film on its opening day or he waits for DVD. He gets excited by a trailer, but the wind goes out of his sails unless the film is playing at that very moment.
Tom almost went to see Reno 911: Miami (Borat with a badge!) last night, but now he'll be unable to muster up that level of enthusiasm. He won't have the energy to make a plan and actually utter the words "2 for Reno 911!" at a theatrical box office. Tom does think the film is a great deal because you get 71 minutes of entertainment for $11.50 -- essentially two episodes of Reno 911!. PFT thinks that if your feature film is running just over an hour, it might be time to re-evaluate the value of the project. Tom thinks that if the trailers account for one-third of your evening, the film has not delivered enough value. He recommends going the straight-to-DVD route like Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story. Tom bought this as a present for someone, and they gave it back to him so he could sample its awfulness. They liked Family Guy, but the movie soured them on the series. Tom can imagine the guy at ArcLight announcing Reno 911!: Miami's 54-minute running time and giving the go-ahead to talk throughout the film because they don't really care about the integrity of the theater experience on this one. He would direct people who were not pleased with the sound quality to go home and watch Reno 911! on their televisions.
Tom is afraid that his comments might hurt his career because Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant will shut him out of the Herbie franchise. PFT says that Herbie 2 was already made ... by accident. While the studio wasn't paying attention, a sentient editing machine -- the "Herbie of Avids" -- snuck through an open door and cobbled together a direct-to-DVD sequel to the Lohan laffer. PFT thinks the "Herbie of Avids" would be an extremely boring living machine. It can't move or communicate, but it will edit your short film. Tom points out that it would be a problematic collaboration because you might disagree with Herbie's creative choices. For example, he might delete all the two-shots and coverage due to a hard drive space crunch, resulting in a comedy composed entirely of masters. PFT understands Herbie's approach because it would be like a human adjusting their intake of certain foods if they had high cholesterol. Herbie doesn't want to get overloaded with your endless feet of film. PFT says that Herbie can speak by piecing together sound from various films that have been fed into it.
PFT is working on a project for Comedy Central. He thinks it will be very funny, and he's currently co-writing the script in the hope that they shoot the pilot and air the series on their network. He's also doing live stand-up comedy shows in places like The Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia, and then his first trip to Chicago for "The People Under the Stares" monthly comedy showcase at The Hideout. PFT has never been to Chicago because he's afraid of deep-dish things. He's afraid the food will be too deep for him, and he'll look emasculated in front of the locals as he tries to consume it. Paul could easily consume the surface, but he doubts he could eat down an inch to reach bottom. Tom imagines PFT using a knife and fork to scrape the epidermis off the pizza like a six-year-old, the crust serving as an ersatz plate.
PFT says he also heard that everybody in Chicago has a mustache. Tom says that a lot of people do, and he thinks PFT might have to bring back his facial hair to fit in. Tom wants to know PFT's motivation for creating one of the most impressive acts of facial hair in recent memory. PFT says he recalls the time in the late-1970s/early-1980s when mustaches were barely clinging to being cool. PFT thought he’d look like a real cool man if he was able to grow one, but it was no longer a viable option by the time he started shaving. Years later, he thought he would shave off his beard and just check out the mustache in the mirror before removing it, but he kinda fell in love with himself a little bit. Paul bills it as a dramatic ode to the Al Swearengen configuration, but it also had a lot of Seth Bullockness. PFT says that people on the street would try figure out if they should know who he was since he was sporting such a specific look. They'd eventually realize they should not and move along. PFT says it made him feel cool and mysterious when he was dressed up, but not so much on the way to the gym. He just looked like a creep in his t-shirt and shorts, and people looked at him with open disgust on their faces. Tom thinks PFT should have just gone to the gym in a suit. PFT says his dream is to get on a machine in a suit and hard wingtips. He would wear a light-colored suit so everyone could see it change color as he soaked it with sweat. People could chart his workout progress by tracking the moisture coverage on his back and in his armpits.
PFT says that many labeled Martin Lawrence crazy for jogging in the 100-degree August heat while wearing several sweatsuits and scuba gear, but the results speak for themselves. He's a very trim man. Tom can picture himself losing his mind in a wet suit while swimming in the ocean, let alone running in L.A. Tom likes to wear kaftans in the summer, but he goes for shock value in the winter. He'll wander around outside in a thin polo shirt and khakis, pretending to have a good time before rushing home and wrapping himself in eight blankets as though he's dying from hypothermia. Tom says it's worth it to see the reactions from people who are appropriately dressed for the 8-degree weather. Tom recalls hearing Don Imus saying that he wears shorts in the winter because he's only in contact with the elements in the brief moments he's entering or exiting his limousine. Tom doesn't want to see Imus in shorts at any point in the year. PFT wants to know the target audience for the gross bragging about being in a limo all the time. Tom doubts Imus's access to a limo is endearing him to many people.
PFT says his brother wears shorts year-round in Philadelphia except when he's at work. When Paul visits, he'll be all suited up for winter, while his brother is wearing his cargo shorts. He needs the extra warmth provided by the fabric on the seventh and eighth pockets. Tom wonders if he wears Jams and flip-flops in the summer, but Paul says he opts for madras shorts. Within the shorts community, his brother does map out his sense of style. Paul says he and his brother represent to the two sartorial extremes in the Tompkins clan. Everyone else in the family dresses normally and appropriate for the season. When PFT is wearing a suit in the summer, he sometimes wishes for a somewhat Freaky Friday switcheroo with his brother's wardrobe.
PFT plans to help out with the podcast by pledging during the marathon, and he will also send Mel a trinket if need be. Tom says Mel might be very interested in a Kill Bill, Volume 2 poster because he can’t find it anywhere in Hawaii. Paul writes this down, and Tom says that he forgot to mention that Mel wants the poster for his dorm room wall. PFT says he was done with Quentin Tarantino after Jackie Brown. Tom mentions QT's recent producing duties for extreme genre fare like the Hostel series and Trent L. Strauss's Splattered Dreams. PFT does an impression of a motormouthed QT expressing the importance of putting Eli Roth's artistic vision on the big screen. Speaking of Strauss, did anyone catch the special Black History Month screening of Dr. Sleaze at Maurice Kern's Newbridge East theater? I know a guy who saw the newly-restored print in Western Maine, and he told me that the colors of the innards were "totally vivid". He also said it was the best cultural event in Western Maine since Laser Allin.
PFT segues back into the topic by complying with Best Show Law #1: he got out of Tom Waits late last year. He had been a big fan for a long time, and he still had some affection for the guy despite not picking up his last few albums. PFT says he saw him on The Daily Show (clip) and that was it. The latent feelings were there, and he just needed visual confirmation that he no longer cared about him. PFT says he should have been done at 26, a good decade and change earlier than his actual departure time. Tom directs people to his under-construction website, and PFT says one of the most surreal things he's ever heard was Tom explaining to Petey who he was and how to spell his name in the URL. PFT loved the words Tom used to delineate the letters (e.g., the "n-word", i.e., "nice"), but Tom vaguely regrets it. PFT thinks Tom should be pleased because he laughed out loud at the gym, disturbing the guy on the machine next to him. The guy was staring straight ahead with naked ears, and PFT says he's frightened by people who require no distractions at the gym. PFT says he'd ideally like to watch a play unfold while using the elliptical machine. Tom suggests Spring Awakening, featuring the music of pop-rocker Duncan Sheik. In this scenario, PFT wins because he has the satisfaction of doing something good for himself while watching a play he'd never see otherwise. Duncan Sheik wins because he always wins in the end. PFT says this is what Sheik has in common with The House at casinos.
PFT enjoyed the first season of the television series House because he's Omar Epps’s character. Tom points out that Dr. House breaks his younger colleagues down to build them back up as better doctors. Paul only saw the breaking down and the running through the gauntlet. Tom also calls Dr. House a jerk for yelling at parents about their dying children. PFT gives Dr. House credit for taking the bold stance of not caring about anybody, but expecting other people to care. Tom's surprised that such a philosophy made it to primetime. He thinks House might be the weirdest show on television in its own way. PFT may have to go back to the House now. He departs after successfully taking the show on a fun detour like Bob Hope walking onto The Tonight Show.
- Mike says (starts at 1:35) he had a brief fling with the HBO series Rome. He got in and out of it in a span of one hour. A few years ago, Tom got out of the ability to eat junk as an actual meal. He used to be able to sustain himself with chips and two candy bars for dinner, but now he thinks he'd drop dead if restricted to such a menu.
- Jake Fogelnest calls (starts at 1:38) to make his first public appearance since he was debilitated by despair in the early 1990s. After inventing jazz music at the age of 7, Jake conquered television by hosting SQUiRT TV on Manhattan Neighborhood Network's public access portal. The show attracted a cult following throughout the city, and it was especially popular in the glorious apartments of the West Village. MTV picked up the series, but it only lasted six episodes. The early cancellation caused a depressed Fogelnest to disappear into drug addiction (primarily 'ludes and horse tranquilizers). After bottoming out, Jake is ready for his triumphant return on The Best Show. He's been holed up waiting for this opportunity. Since it means a lot to him, Tom's first instinct was to hang up on him in his moment of glory. He's hardwired to crush dreams. My most vivid memory of SQUiRT TV's MTV run is Cibo Matto jumping on Jake's bed.
Jake says he got heavily into The Rocky Horror Picture Show, got out of it, and still gets pulled back in to confirm that it no longer has the same appeal for him. He discovered the film at age 8 or 9, which is probably not the appropriate age for exposure to this content. Tom thinks someone should counsel his parents. It gets worse. Jake says his Dad would fast-forward through the dirty parts of John Waters movies so he only saw the scenes that warp malleable minds. Jake says he got to see everything that could emotionally scar a child in a fun, hip, New York way. Jake isn't exactly sure how he got attracted to the Rocky Horror craze, but he asked his Dad to take him to a screening back in 1987, which was when the film was still a happening thing. It was playing every Friday and Saturday at the 8th Street Playhouse, and Sal Piro was holding it down as the President of the Rocky Horror Fan Club. Piro, who spearheaded the live performance/audience participation movement, earned a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most times seeing the same film in theaters. He saw Rocky Horror 3,000+ times.
Jake loved the experience because he could shout and scream at the movie. He no longer does this as an adult because he now respects the cinematic arts. He kept loving it until he was 13 or 14 when he finally realized that the audience was made up of sexually-confused nerds wearing They Might Be Giants t-shirts. Jake left the cult having earned his Rocky Horror stripes with 75-100 theatrical viewings and a stint as the fan club rep at his local theater in Philadelphia at age 10. He still has some residual affection for film, and he enjoyed the packed screening last summer at The Wavery in the new IFC Center. Since The Waverly is the site of the original midnight screenings, Jake thought it was a fun return to its roots. Jakes points out that if you go on some other random night, you'll likely get a sleazefest with lot of weird 14-year-old girls wearing too much makeup while 30-year-old guys try to hit on them. Tom wants to hear more about Jake's fan club duties. Jake says he would work the line trying to get people to sign up for the club so they could get a button and a membership card. Tom wonders if Jake assessed the quality of Dr. Frank N. Furter costumes while wearing a beret and brandishing a riding crop. Jake says he'd make it known that he'd seen better Columbia costumes in New York City, but he'd still give the Philly version his approval. Jake confesses to dating two girls who played Magenta in Rocky Horror shows.
Jake says that Rocky Horror gives a certain group of social misfits a place to go for a guaranteed party every Friday and Saturday night. As fans mature, they start getting invites to non-Rocky Horror-themed parties. Jake says that when you return to Rocky Horror, you think back and realize that you should have done something else or just watched it on VH-1. Tom suggests the option of hosting your own parties. Jake agrees that it's not too hard to pull together some chips and dips instead of doing The Time Warp dance all night long. While Jake never dressed up, he did work the lights as part of the technical crew for the live performances. Tom imagines the veteran fans in the booth talking about how Jake was the future of the franchise, keeping it alive for future generations when they were all dead and buried.
Jake says that a 150-year-old guy named Madman Mike is now the leading NYC-based fan. He continues to ably play Riff Raff every weekend and recorded the commentary track for the Shock Treatment DVD. Jake says that he's the foremost aficionado on the 1981 Rocky Horror "equal". Tom wonders if Madman Mike is arrogant about his lofty status in the community. Jake says he's not arrogant, but he knows that nobody could challenge his knowledge of the films. Tom points out that Madman Mike could never get out of the world because he's in too deep. He compares him to Donnie Brasco, so discombobulated that he's probably slipping into costume on Wednesdays. Jake agrees that Madman Mike is in it for life. He says that once you've invested a certain amount of your annual income on fishnets, there is no turning back. Tom gives Madman Mike a new nickname: Sadman Mike. He withdraws the moniker after Jake points out that Mike's having a good time with his bald cap and not hurting anyone.
Tom wants to know if Jake could do every line from the film off the dome. He's up for the challenge, and he proves he can before Tom's heard enough. Jake says audience participation is evolving at Rocky Horror screenings. He and a friend will often try to infuse current events into the shout-outs, such as lines of dialogue from the smash hit Snakes on a Plane. Jake reveals that the anti-gay callback jokes of the 1970s are gone. Tom thinks anyone shouting anti-gay sentiments at Rocky Horror is the epitome of a confused person. Jake says that the screenings were essentially confusion parties set to a raucous rock 'n roll soundtrack. Tom wants to know what "raucous soundtrack" Jake was referring to. Jake says it's the film's soundtrack featuring Tim Curry and Meat Loaf. Jake does a few more lines, and Tom says he will throw up if he doesn't stop.
Jake has survived the travails of child fame to become a radio superstar on Serious channel 26, which Spike hates, and he fulfills his FOT duties by promoting The Best Show. He says he recently gave Rock, Rot & Rule to a musician named James, who is currently opening for Sonic Youth.
- Mike from Philadelphia calls (starts at 1:52) to talk about his history with Dr. Who. He got hooked on it when he was six, and he got out of it at age 10. Mike thinks he should have been done with it at 8. Tom points out that people in Engaland would argue that you never get out of Dr. Who, which is why they keep making new serials. Mike watched the show in the era featuring Tom Baker, who is Tom's favorite titular time-traveler. Tom also enjoyed the top-shelf special effects that included people getting chased by garbage cans. He thinks the Daleks are the Groucho Marx mustaches of the 1970s and 1980s. I think the Daleks should join forces with the Herbie of Avids to EX-TER-MI-NATE the Time Lords from the galaxy -- or least edit a few episodes. Mike says that things are going fine in Philadelphia other than the unpredictable weather. He considers Philly Boy Roy a proud ambassador of the city, accurately reflecting Philadelphia culture for The Best Show audience.
- Tom regrets (starts at 1:55) going to the well for one more Christopher Guest joint. As he watched For Your Consideration last night, he realized that A Mighty Wind should have been the final warning to get out of Guest's films. It was bad news, Jack (and Chris). Tom says that his well-documented hatred of Harry Shearer actually got a little stronger. Tom also wants to pull the plug on Fred Willard. He thinks it's time for everyone to admit that he’s good, but not great. We all know that he's gonna do that thing: a mildly obnoxious loudmouth who talks over people. Tom says he doesn’t want to encounter these kinds of people in real life, so he certainly doesn't want to pay to see Willard portray them. Tom believes that Guest's improvisational approach goes to show that it's often a good idea to write down some scenes for the actors. Does Tom really need to see Paul Dooley and Ed Begley, Jr improvising in a movie? No, he does not. Tom has something for Christopher Guest's consideration: stop trying to show people what Hollywood is like. Tom wonders what Hollywood did to him to make him so angry other than let him make his movies. He says that everything in For Your Consideration was a total bore except for that guy from the John Byner program.
- Tim from the snowy 509 area code of Ellensburg, WA., calls (starts at 1:58) to report that Christopher Guest is directing the pilot for the next show from Arrested Development mastermind, Mitch Hurwitz. Tom thinks it sounds like a match made in Hell. Hurwitz is doing an American adaptation of the British comedy, The Thick of It. Time will tell on this creative pairing. Tom recuses himself from any discussion of Arrested Development due to a personal conflict. Hint: Jessica Walter and a lot of no Coke and vodkas.
- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 2:02) to celebrate the painful process of getting over Peter Gabriel-led Genesis. He originally embraced the band's complex time signatures and lyrics about lutes and madrigals as a way to separate himself from his high school peers. Weirder Jon got off the Genesis train when he moved to New York after college. His NY friends constantly lambasted his fandom, and he finally realized that 22-minute songs were ridiculous. Weirder Jon says that if his friends were wrong, he would have had enough backbone to stick up for his prog buddies. They were right. Tom confirms that he made the right decision by singing some of the title track from the two-record concept album, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. Tom tried to get into the album, but it wasn’t for him. While Weirder Jon was primarily a fan of the Gabriel era, he says he defended the Phil Collins era even when he was playing the octagonal electronic drum set.
The last era of Genesis that he was into was the 1983 eponymous album featuring and the appropriately-titled "That's All". Tom likes the latter tune (he does a nice rendition of its jaunty piano line), but he doesn't understand why all the English guys like Paul McCartney and Ray Davies always lapse into Vaudeville music. Even The Rolling Stones would litter an otherwise classic album with one track of "roto doot da-da-doot gomp". Tom thinks it comes from the old English music hall stuff of their youth, such as Lonnie Donnegan, the King of Skiffle. Weirder Jon and Tom agree that the Michigan-based Grand Funk Railroad displayed no music hall roots. Tom predicts that if the Sex Pistols kept going, their trippy third album would have featured an ode to music hall. Weirder Jon thinks Sid would have played the harpsichord, becoming a multi-instrumentalist like Brian Jones.
Weirder Jon was briefly into Invisible Touch because the short hits were balanced out by artistic fare like the two-part epic, "Domino". However, he couldn't cling to the charade for very long. Tom loves the Genesis videos of that period with Collins hamming it up while Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford struggle to keep comic pace. Tom imagines Banks trying to understand why his keyboard duties also include dressing like a weird, British hobo clown and doing a soft shoe. Weirder Jon admits to owning the entire Peter Gabriel solo discography, as well as the first two Phil Collins solo albums. He never made it to No Jacket Required. He had checked out by the time Phil dropped "Sussudio". Weirder Jon skipped solo Rutherford because he just phones it in. He's never sampled the solo work of Tony Banks. He believes that Banks is very talented, but he's used his keyboard skills for evil at certain points in his career. Tom thinks "mundane" is a more accurate -- and less harsh -- term.
Ol' Dirty Bastard - "Sussudio" (Phil Collins cover)
- John Junk calls (starts at 2:08) from L.A., the home of Paul F. Tompkins. Junk was excited to hear a fellow Los Angeleno earlier in the program. He says that before he even realized it was PFT, he could detect an L.A. vibe in the patina of his voice: mellow yet authoritative. Tom identifies this as the "showbiz voice". Junk says he officially got out of really self-serious alternative comics of the Chris Ware style last year. He thinks he should have left that world nearly four or five years ago. In retrospect, Junk says he could have realized that Ware was really good with a protractor and sad stories after a brief, one-book run. He went back for more with the issue of McSweeney's that Ware edited, and a terrible feeling came over him. At that point, Junk preferred to look at the bright side of life, so the bald head of James Corrigan was too depressing for him. Tom wants Junk to name the best thing about Los Angeles. Junk says it's a tossup between tacos at Paquito Mass, mole sauce in general, and the eternal sunshine. The California sun helped Junk stop worrying about the 2004 election and learn to love chloroform. At the moment he realized that that guy was going to win again, the sun shot into his eyes and erased all of his concerns about a second GWB term.
Junk also wants to know if Tom was referring to the old-timey song ("On With The Show") at the end of Their Satanic Majesties Request. Tom says that he was thinking of a song that's on either Between The Buttons or Aftermath. It's the former:
The Rolling Stones - "Something Happened To Me Yesterday"
- Jedediah in Brooklyn calls (starts at 2:13) with a brief update on the Danielson Family. He hasn't seen much of the family lately aside from Megan. He visited Freddy two weeks ago in Philadelphia, and he thinks he's doing well as a new husband. Jedediah only stayed with them for one night, so he cannot provide an in-depth analysis of the state of the marriage. Tom doesn't want any further details because he wouldn't know what to do with any bad news.
Jedediah says he used to be really into Social Distortion, one of the first punk bands he ever heard. He thought Mike Ness was really cool. He wanted to get lots of tattoos, and he did get some (not Social D/Ness-related) that he now regrets. Tom thought he might have a big letter D, but he has more subtle and abstract line drawings on his arm. Tom teases Jedediah with a quip about not having a pad and pen around to capture his artistic urges. Jedediah wants to move on from the things he can't change about his life. Tom points out that at least the body art reminds him of a time when he was young and free. Jedediah advises youngsters like August to think more than twice about getting any tattoos. Tom wants to know the proper amount of consideration time for getting inked. Jedediah thinks people should wait until after they get married because their eventual spouses might not care for them. Jedediah's wife falls into this category. He says that Megan would love it if he got them removed, but he thinks he'd just end up with a scar in the shape of his former tattoos. Tom thinks it's good that his tattoos don't contain any embarrassing, dated text like "Twin Peaks rules!"
Jedediah got out of Social Distortion after hearing Cheating At Solitaire, the first Mike Ness solo album, at age 19. He realized that Ness had nothing new to offer. Looking back, Jedediah thinks he should have gotten over Social D after seeing Another State of Mind, a documentary on the ill-fated 1982 tour featuring Social D and Youth Brigade traversing the country in a rickety school bus. Ness is 16 or 17 in the film, which includes scenes of him putting his hair up and applying makeup. It should have been a nice warning shot, but Jedediah liked it at the time. In fact, he was in a punk rock 'n roll band and wore eye shadow to be more like his hero. Tom thinks scary clown makeup could be the next aesthetic move for the Danielson Family. Jedediah is intrigued by the idea because Danielson is one of those crazy, ICP-ish bands with a cult following. The plugtastic night rages on with a mention of Danielson: Family Movie, which will be in storage on April 10th.
Jedediah says he's been out of the Danielson loop for several months with Daniel touring Europe without them. Tom asks Jedediah if Daniel is trying to clean house by replacing his actual family members with virtuoso ringers, such as "Jesse Smith", a five-string slap bassist billed as his third cousin. The ringers would eventually kick Daniel out and continue to tour the world as the Danielson Family. Jedediah says that he and Dave were considering doing their own drum-and-bass tour as the Danielston Family (Spike gave them that name) to see how far they could ride out the credibility without the primary songwriter on board. Sounds like Another State Of Mind 2 to me. They'd probably end up at Ian MacKaye's house, eating vegetarian chili and listening to that Egg Hunt 7". Tom doesn't like it. He loves it!
A night of superstars! Tompkins! Fogelnest! Junk! Danielson! Tom thinks Michael Anthony may be next, but he never called.
- Tom notes (starts at 2:31) that the next topic should probably be saved for a future show, where it could be explored to its full, proper capacity, but so be it. Tom will do it now. Tom asks listeners to assemble the worst possible band comprised dead rockers -- not necessarily talentless people, just an ill-conceived musical mélange that makes no sonic sense. The caller with the best lineup wins a pair of tickets to The Decemberists at the Loews in the rock hotbed of Jersey City on the March 21st installment of their two-night engagement. Tom gives an example of Jerry Garcia jamming with the dueling bassist tandem of Sid Vicious and Jaco Pastorius. The topic is initially met with silence, and Tom fears that he’ll have to file it next to the disastrous Turk 182 It as an all-time dud. But then the phones heat up.
- Tim from Ellensburg, WA:
* The disembodied arm of Rick Allen - drums
* Philly Boy Roy’s good friend Kevin Allin - lead vocals
* Ronnie Van Zandt - guitar
* Frank Zappa - ringleader/guitar
Tom thinks GG should be a constant in all the bands. He also points out that if GG Allin got into heaven, everyone gets into heaven. If he managed to gain admittance, there are obviously no sturdy, pearly gates -- just picket fences that got flattened or some wood sticks erected to contain laser bean shows.
- Art Carney:
* John Bonham - drums
* Cliff Burton - bass
* Johnny Thunders - guitar
* DJ Scott La Rock - turntables
* William S. Burroughs - lead vocals
Tom liked Art’s pacing. He led with a pretty legit trio, but ended with the strongest, most discordant note: Burroughs on the mic. Art says that he would like to see this band perform out of curiosity. Tom does a hilarious impression of Burroughs telling his bandmates that they need to rehearse.
William S. Burroughs & R.E.M. - "Star Me Kitten"
Boogie Down Productions - "Scott La Rock Megamix"
- Mike from Philly:
* Karen Carpenter - lead vocals
* Lowell George - guitar
* John Entwistle - bass
* Eric Carr (in Kiss makeup) - drums
Tom says that while this band is not spectacularly bad, it achieves a quiet, desperate wrongness. Mike points out that the three instrumentalists would be showing off and drowning out the quiet vocals of Ms. Carpenter.
- Rice Cakes (via e-mail):
* Sonny Bono - guitar/vocals
* Elliot Smith - guitar/vocals
* Andy Gibb - lead vocals
* John Bonham - drums
- Chris in NYC:
* Shooby Taylor - human horn
* Frank Zappa - guitarist
* Jaco Pastorius - bass
* Buddy Rich - drums
Tom thinks it’s a pretty bad band. Chris cackles in agreement, urging Tom and the listeners to “soak that one up.”
- Rich in New Paltz:
* Charlie Daniels (not quite dead yet) Ronnie Van Zandt - guitar
* Harry Nilsson - piano
* Keith Moon - drums
* Sid Vicious - bass
* Elvis Presley - vocals
* George Harrison - occasional guitar
* Jim Croce - guitar/songwriter
- Ben in Manhattan:
* Dennis Wilson - drums
* Dee Dee Ramone - Fender Precision bass
* Ronald C. "Pigpen" McKernan - Hammond B-3 organ
* Liberace - grand piano
* Tiny Tim - vocals
* Mike Bloomfield - guitar
Tom likes the solid Wilson/Ramone rhythm section shifting into weirdness starting with Pigpen. Ben is in the lead.
- David in Brooklyn offers an experimental jazz and death metal hybrid:
* Mel Torme - drums
* Mike Brecker - guitar
* “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott - lead vocalist
No bass because when you’re free-flying in heaven, you don’t need no safety net. Tom thinks David has created Mr. Bungle.
- Jim (via e-mail):
* Keith Moon - drums
* Randy Rhodes - guitar
* Pete Farndom - bass
* The Notorious B.I.G. - vocals
- Jack in Bloomfield:
* Layne Staley - vocals
* The Notorious B.I.G. - rapping
* Ricard Manuel - keyboards
* Ray Charles - keyboards
* James Brown - singing
Tom commends Jack for making his band even worse by forgoing a drummer.
- Chris L from Maryland:
* Matt Fitzgerald (bass) Jeremy Gage (drums) from The Exploding Hearts
* Derek Bailey - guitar
* 3-headed monster on vocals: Eazy-E, Mama Cass, and Andrew Wood
Chris L mentions that the other Chris L didn’t take the bait on his proposed feud. He thinks the listeners won on that one. Tom considers starting a feud with Chris L for depressing him with his band. Tom GOMPs him.
- Listener T:
* Screamin' Jay Hawkins - piano/vocals
* Jam Master Jay - turntables
* Shannon Hoon - vocals
* Vivian Stanshall - vocals
* Buddy Rich - drums/personality
- Mike the Associate Producer:
* Keith Moon - drums
* John Entwistle - bass
* Jimi Hendrix – guitar
The big twist:
* Peter Allen (Legs Diamond, The Boy From Oz) - vocals
- Christopher in Rhode Island (via e-mail):
* Shannon Hoon - vocals
* Bozz Barrell - bass
* Karen Carpenter - drums
* Bob Marley - guitar
- Unidentified caller:
* Kurt Cobain - vocals/guitar
* John Denver - vocals/guitar
* John Bonham - drums
* Jam Master Jay - backup rhythm
- Unidentified caller:
* John "Beatz" Holohan (Bayside) - drums
* Cliff Burton - bass
* Dimebag Darrell - guitar
* Andy Gibb - vocals
- David in L.A. goes doo-wop:
* Mel Torme
* Darren “Buffy, the Human Beat Box” Robinson
Tom tells David that he lost. He outsmarted himself by concocting an amazing, talented band.
- Chris in Edison, N.J.:
* Tiny Tim - vocals
* Jimi Hendrix - guitar
* Sid Vicious - bass
* Gene Krupa - drums
Chris WINS with his testament to simple awfulness.
- Unidentified female caller:
* Barry White - vocals
* Phil Ochs - guitar/songwriting
* Sid Vicious - bass
* Freddie Mercury - synths
* Liberace - keyboards
Tom thinks this band is good, and he GOMPs the caller for hating Barry White. He then reveals his pick for an old-fashioned revue that would pack them in for eternity. The two hardest-working men in show business:
Here's Omar's heavenly band, which I'd gladly pay to see, although I doubt the clubs in Heaven actually make you pay to attend rock 'n roll shows. They probably get you with the $10 Heinekens, though. This ennead would also make for a pretty hott game of Hollywood Squares. I'd like to see Spike navigate this board. After a few creepy salutations ("Heeeelllloooo, Billy ...), he'd probably have most of them jumping overboard to their second deaths. I'd also love to hear a contestant say, "Pig Champion to block."
Billy Preston (The Beatles/Helmet)- piano/organ
Kristen Pfaff (Janitor Joe/Hole) - bass
Mia Zapata (The Gits) - vocals
Michael Hutchence (Inks)- vocals
Derek Frigo (Enuff Z'Nuff) - guitar
Bob Stinson (The Replacements/MLB) - guitar
Jeff Porcaro (Toto) - drums
J Dilla - beats/kazoo/xylophone
Tom “Pig Champion” Roberts (Poison Idea) - guitar tech/dancer
Open-invite guests:
Robbin Crosby (Ratt) - guitar/backing vocals
Buddy Guy (damn that evil hill!) - guitar/vocals
Chris Bell (Big Star) - guitar/vocals
A gentle W. A show for Tom’s tired bones. The calm before the fundraising storm.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom brings it like it's never been brought before with two special in-studio marathon guests: The Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth and 30 Rock's Tina Fey!
March 5, 2007
Something with an "a".
You thought she was testifying?
March 4, 2007
A new approach.
March 2, 2007
March 1, 2007
2 Bigg MC
he came to, turn this just-like-a-mini-mall out!
[via unkut]
Sweeter than Sarah Silverman.
[sent (minus the Jew broad overlay) by eppy.]
Tease.
We're talking the "Dr. Strangelove" of police procedurals here.
IM Busy - Part !!!
A continued sampling of status messages from my company's internal IM. Exclamation marks and suspended occasions abound this round.
Adam
What gives, 70deg on Dec 16th??
Adam (2)
Never quit because you're hit; GET EVEN!!!
Ashley
Happy St. Patty's Day!!!
David
Still the One!!
David (2)
I'm not fat I'm big-boned
Dena
It's a good day!!!
Dennis
I'm here somewhare...
Joy
get in my belly
Matt
Lost in translation.
Paola
hola~!~~!
Sybil
Elvis Fan #1
Wade
You stay classy...
me
great job!