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Titans of Trivia.

"And if it means I get beat by the second bass player from The Raspberries, then so be it." -- Tom on getting humbled by Scott McCarl
"You know what, Greg Proops might not even be the funniest guy in L.A. named 'Greg Proops'." -- Tom, disputing Esquire's pick for L.A.'s top funnyman
"That guy's not runnin' anywhere. America limps on Dunkin'. America waddles on Dunkin'." -- Tom, suggesting catchphrases more befitting a man of John Goodman's size
"Keep that porno medicine off my TV. The Super Bowl is filthier than ever.” -- Tom, rejecting the risque advertisement for Flomax
"If there's an show where I'm saying give Studio 60 a chance, it will not be archived for very long because that might be the most embarrassing thing I've ever said." -- Tom on his darkest radio moment
"It's a little bit like Monty Python on acid." -- Tim Heidecker, providing a redundant one-liner for his new Adult Swim program
"When you hear him do that kind of urban slang, it'll just bring the house down. -- Eric Wareheim on the fresh lingo of David Brenner
"It's like oxygen to some people, and like arsenic to other people." -- Tim Heidecker on his polarizing comedy
"What do you do? What are you in Gnarls Barkley or something?" -- Tom, wondering how Henry Owings got nominated for a Grammy
"Go, hatbox, goooo!" -- Tom, picking a side in the Battle of the Boxes
"Why is my heart so fragile?" -- Tom, wondering why he let a Bad Guy get to him
"They all lost their hunger for the spoils of trivia victory." -- Kip Palfner, explaining why he unloaded all of The Loaders
"Hucking Fell, I can’t believe you don't know this." -- Kip Palfner, expressing his disappointment at Tom's failure to cite all of Black Sabbath's vocalists
"I think they thought it was akin to a stepuncle erotically whacking his 19-year-old nephew." -- Kip Palfner on Marvel's decision to pass on Trivius
"Hasn't been servin’ up that creamed corn lately, has she?" -- Kip Palfner, asking Tom to confirm Sheila's absence from the CC commissary
"I hope your ears are on fire with my trivia." -- Kip Palfner, igniting Tom with his buzzer sounds
"Was there an astronaut named Art?" -- Tom, Ash Ole-ing it up
"I’m gonna rip out my razor cane if you embarrass me like that on live television." -- Kip Palfner on the fate that awaits Tom on Titans of Trivia
"I'm gonna make you eat the Bible … and not in your mouth." -- Kip Palfner on the eccentric snack he's planning for Tom's 4 a.m. trivia session
"I'm as strong as an ox." -- Jason, touting his qualifications for employment in America
"Don't I know it. I've been on the right end of DYFS and the wrong end of DYFS -- Tom on seeing both sides of NJ's child welfare agency
"That guy's thing is as old as Mr. T now. It's like Mr. T has been around for 20 years, and that thing has been around for 20 years." -- Tom on a bit that's well past its prime

[TBSOWFMU - 2/6/07 / Podmirth / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Dinosaur Jr - "Crumble" [REMOVED BY REQUEST; OMAR DON'T DO JAIL TIME! Pitchfork, however, is allowed to post a new DJr track]

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The Jam - "The Eton Rifles"

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Sneakers - "Ruby"

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Kim Fowley - "Animal Man"

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The Scruffs - "Break The Ice"

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The Now Time Delegation - "Nothing But A Heartache" (The Flirtations cover)

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Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Happy (belated) Birthday to Tom Scharpling! 58 Years Young on Feb. 9th!

Is it open-phone Tuesday? NO! It went the way of the pterodactyl and the flip-top soda can. Tom is currently upholding the honor of his family by continuing to construct a cool suit of armor from flip-tops. Due to their increasing scarcity, he acquires additional material by ordering soda from Pacific Rim suppliers. If Tom wore the suit today, he'd look like an idiot because he's still about 2,200 flip-tops away from the finished product. He must show proper respect to the work already done by his father, his grandfather, and his great-grandfather. When the suit is done, Tom will wear it proudly. As people view the armor-clad, fourth-generation Scharpling hoofing it down the street, they will say, "It was worth the wait, Tom." Tom will say nothing in response because he’s a knight, and knights don’t speak to knaves! The worst offense is intelligence; the best defense is belligerence. How we stalemate our predicament, governed by tissue and flip-top filament.

starting_over.jpgTom started off the opening music set with The Raspberries's "I Don't Know What I Want" from Starting Over. He notes that the track comes from the "awesome stretch" when half of the band favored the power pop of Badfinger, while the other half wanted to emulate the soft country-rock of The Eagles. The internecine sonic warfare spills onto the album cover: bassist Scott McCarl looks like he's posing in front of the Hotel California; drummer Michael McBride sports horrific mutton chops. Meanwhile, Eric Carmen and Wally Bryson -- the classic Raspberries -- are holding it down by remaining true to the pop look. Tom thinks McBride and McCarl should be ashamed (I would have used the term "McShamed"!) of themselves for adopting a divergent aesthetic. Tom, of course, prefers the original lineup with Jim Bonfanti on drums and Dave Smalley on bass.

The Raspberries - "Rose Coloured Glasses"

Tom notices that Starting Over features two tracks with lead vocals by McCarl, and he predicts that they will be terrible. Tom spins "Cry", and, despite some very unnecessary boogie-woogie piano, it's not as bad as he thought it would be. The Kid came in arrogant, and Scott McCarl humbled him. 1-0. Tom thinks this is just what he needed before the show. He displays great sportsmanship by admitting defeat at the hands of the second bass player from The Raspberries. Tom believes his riff on the band probably cleared the room, which is unfortunate because tonight's show is a special tribute to the second lineup of The Raspberries! Mike McBride will be calling in, and Greg Calbi, the famed Sterling Sound engineer, will reminisce about the recording of Starting Over. Tom urges listeners to start preparing their Calbi questions. Sadly, this tribute never happened. I had a few bones to pick with Calbi about his mastering work on Faster Pussycat's Whipped. That record always sounded like mud, even when I listened to it in my custom-made "audio igloo". Calbi's always been a notch below George Marino to my (ape-?)ears.

- Tom discusses (starts at 28:57) his fun time viewing the scintillating, well-played Super Bowl this past Sunday. He was one of the estimated 93.2 million people "watching" the advertising spectacular, but his attention was quickly divided. The excitement of Devin Hester returning the opening kickoff 92 yards for a Bears touchdown faded when Tom realized that their Rex GROSSman-led offense was awful. He pulled out a comic book halfway through the snoozefest. I opted for a sofa-bound, Pudge-like dash through the Infinite Jest before Billy Joel finished the National Anthem. I finished it right at the first act break on Criminal Minds. While this 1,104-page novel is a steal at $8, Tom thinks the $3-$3.50 he pays to spend six minutes reading comics represents the worst entertainment value one can find outside of gambling. Tom compares the cost-fun ratio of comic books to a stint at the blackjack table or scratch-off lottery tickets. Tom believes that comic books offer less entertainment value than slot machines -- presumably the Atlantic City-based Star Wars machines that sucked him in during the CC convention back in October, and not Trip Whiting's proposed GG Allin devices.

Tom perked up during Prince's hott halftime show, but thought even the commercials kinda stunk it up. Tom thinks the Blockbuster advertisement -- for their Netflix-challenging Total Access service -- featuring a guinea pig and hamster voiced by James Woods and Jim Belushi might be the most preverse thing ever. Tom didn't even mention the mouse voiced by Robert Goldthwait! I thought the soothing Jack Donaghy narration was effective in toning down the preversity a bit. Tom assumes that the Blockbuster ad wizards wanted to seek out the least cuddly pitchman on Earth, so they obviously settled on Woods. However, someone mentioned Belushi to create a two-way tie for last. They then added a second animated creature to form a duo that would make America's skin crawl even more. If Woods and Belushi were promoting life rafts on a sinking boat, Tom would pass.

Tom mentions the moment that occurs partway through the third quarter of every Super Bowl. The moment when the telecast takes a detour to present a normal, terrible commercial you'd see on TBS during any given week. This year's honor goes to the old dudes riding canoes and tall bikes in the crummy spot for Flomax, an alpha-blocker used to treat benign prostatic hyperplasia. When afflicted with BPH, the prostate grows larger and presses against the urethra and bladder, interfering with the normal flow of urine. It leads to symptoms of urinary hesitancy, frequent urination, night prowls, weak urine stream, incomplete emptying of the bladder, increased risk of urinary tract infections, and urinary retention. They really should have had Thomas Haden Church do the voice-over for this one.

Tom doesn't get why extremely well-known companies spend millions of dollars on Super Bowl commercials. He's pretty sure that everybody has a handle on the Fed-X business model at this point: USPS but faster. However, Tom did discover that Budweiser is some kind of alcoholic beverage. Tom would rather see Fed-X invest the $4 million in the company by putting more boxes on the street, buying another plane, and reducing their $26 fee for two-day service. Tom also got bombarded with promos for the primetime CBS lineup, and Two and a Half Men didn't look half bad when compared to David Spade's new Rules of Engagement.

- Josh calls (starts at 34:17) from D.C., so Tom assumes that he's is a crazed radical who hates advertising. He's right, but Josh did like one commercial: Garmin's rockin' clip positioning the evil Maposaurus against the Ultraman-inspired Garmin Man. (Trivia: while he's obscured by the Tad Doylesque frontman, Herman Rarebell is the drummer in the band.) Josh loved the ad's artistry, but he's not in the product's target demo since he doesn’t have a car. Tom thinks a GPS device would be useful for walking because you'd find out about an upcoming left turn 25 minutes before traversing the half mile to get there. Josh couldn't believe that Mitch & Murray paid good money for their new Salesgenie.com business. Tom was waiting for this sleazy spot to get clever, but it never moved beyond a weird, short infomercial. Tom "The Machine" Scharpling felt like Salesgenie.com was trying to trick him with deadbeats like Bruce and Harriet Nyborg while they kept the good leads -- the Glengarry leads -- locked in Williamson's office.

Josh also thought the AHA (SFW, despite what Josh called a "dirty sounding name") wasted their money on the heart-risk smackdown, which featured a man in an oversized heart costume getting beat up by a quartet of black-clad ruffians: High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Overweight, and High Cholesterol. Tom asked Josh if the bruised organ was played by that guy from Who’s Line Is It Anyway?, but he only remembers Greg Proops from that show. Tom thinks Proops seems like a nice young man, but he's not a fan of his comedy stylings. Tom read Esquire's recent "The Best and Brightest" round-up that named Proops the funniest man in all of Los Angeles. Tom thinks there are other people named "Greg Proops" in L.A. who are funnier than Greg Proops. He got mad and threw the magazine across the room. My pick for funniest man in L.A.: Simon Stiles. Josh scoops Tom by revealing that Tim (Heidecker) and Eric (Wareheim) notified him of their appearance on the program tonight. Josh apologizes, but Tom is fine with him delivering the news because he's a great guy and a loyal listener.

- Tom continues (starts at 38:38) the commercial rundown by saying "Carlos Mencia for Bud Light." Tom doesn't feel the need to say any more on that particular spot. Tom's much more forthcoming about the Dunkin' Donuts commercials for their new honey-glazed egg bacon breakfast bagel (aka the "Fat Sally"). Since they feature the catchphrase "America runs on Dunkin'," Tom is puzzled by their decision to hire a morbidly obese actor like John Goodman to relay their fuel-source message in voice-over. Tom saw Goodman on Studio 60, and he's certain that his 600-pound frame is unable to run anywhere. He suggests "America limps on Dunkin'" or "America waddles on Dunkin'" as taglines more suited to their spokesman. I ran into Goodman on a trip to Pahrump, Nevada, last fall (long story), and I saw him eat an entire cow. It was so sick, but also kinda impressive. Nice guy. He signed my Barton Fink DVD. Mad Man Mundt! He even yelled "I'll show you the life of the mind!" per my request. Heil Dunkin'.

The Super Bowl broadcast gave Tom an opportunity to put his fancy-schmancy HDTV to the test, but the Miami drizzle kept coating the camera lenses with an annoying mist. (I consider the first quarter to be an intentional homage to the murky DV of David Lynch's Inland Empire). Tom heard nonstop ranting about high-def for two years, but he had difficulty seeing the actual programming because the camera men forgot to bring rags to wipe off the moisture. At certain points, the image quality was worse than standard-definition, but when Prince covered the Foo Fighters, it was gorgeous. Tom thinks that it would have been wise to buybuybuy FF stock last week since it's risen from the grave after Prince blasted through "Best Of You". Dave Grohl was understandably pleased, and he hopes to collaborate with Prince on the forthcoming Probot II album. Prince is currently mulling an offer to record with former Carcass vocalist Jeff Walker and Extreme Noise Terror's Dean Jones. Prince and grindcore, together at last? Tom recommends that Grohl write songs exclusively for Prince to perform.

Napalm Death - "Siege of Power"

Tom found out about the curse of high-definition when he watched Caddyshack after the Super Bowl. He realized that half the movie was filmed in cheap motel rooms.

- Mike calls (starts at 42:07) to say it was the worst crop of Super Bowl commercials he's ever seen. He couldn't believe that Flomax would drop $2.5 million for an ad that could be seen during the daytime talker The View. If Flomax is really airing these spots during The View, someone in Advertising Sales is really dropping the ball. Let's face it, the Super Bowl is their ultimate audience: millions of older laddies who want to rediscover the joys of normal micturation. Tom doesn't want to talk about the gross "porno medicine" on the radio, and he wants it off his HDTV. He thinks the Super Bowl is filthier than ever.

Mike agrees with Tom's criticism of the Dunkin' Donuts spot, and he thinks Goodman is en route to a massive coronary event. Tom hopes that the funny Goodman lives a long life at whatever weight makes him happy, but Dunkin' Donuts should have thought twice before hiring him. Tom would have filmed Henry Rollins pounding black coffee and staring down a stale donut. Rollins would do sets of sit-ups with the donut hanging up just within mouth distance when he reached the peak. He could take a bite of it, but he doesn't. He has the discipline that Goodman lacks. Tom thinks we're doomed because the commercial is right -- America does run on Dunkin'. He scans the country, and all he sees are overweight people, including himself. Tom's only 5' 1", and he's tipping the scales at 340 pounds. His doctor is urging him to get down to 325. Mike's surprised by the stats because he thought Tom looked svelte at the March 2006 Ted Leo show at the Knitting Factory. Tom enjoyed the show from upstairs to maintain a safe distance from the street garbage below. The numbers are in: the equally-plump John Candy passed on at age 43, while Goodman is, thankfully, still going at 54 despite his excessive girth. Bottom line: Fat Good Guys Need To Lose Weight in 2007.


- Tom believes (starts at 47:42) that scientists have collected enough data to prove that Studio 60 is the most insanely bad show on television of which he cannot get enough. He's looking forward to next week's episode when flashbacks will reveal the origins of the tumultuous relationship between Matt Albie and Harriet Hayes. Albie's youthful appearance will be conveyed with the addition of a baseball cap, not unlike the rattle used in Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies.

- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 49:27) to stir up a mini-controversy by claiming that Tom was much more forgiving to Studio 60 after its premiere. Tom doubts the truthiness of this claim. Evan is prepared to check the archives to confirm that Tom counseled him to give the show another chance. Tom says that if such a show exists, it will not be archived for very long due to extreme embarrassment. As Werner likes to say, Let's go to the recap! In his experience working as a producer of comedy programs, Evan found that it takes more than three writers to create a viable product. (Studio 60 manages to skate by with two newbies, PFT, and consultant Mark McKinney.) Tom thinks he's showing off and wants to know the shows he worked on. Evan worked on The Daily Show and, even better, McEnroe, which had four writers. The original premise for the maligned show's final skit had John McEnroe entering a cryonic chamber to preserve himself for a future universe that would grasp his brand of entertainment. Evan spent three days trying to track down a chamber, but McEnroe ultimately refused to do it. In a replacement skit, FOT Matt Walsh appeared on set, put all of McEnroe’s crap in a time capsule, and requested the host's car keys so he could drive it into the Hudson River.

Speaking of skits, Tom enjoys the graffiti'd sign in the Studio 60 writer's room that warns, "Skits Under Construction". Tom's never heard anyone working on a sketch comedy show refer to individual segments as "skits", the domain of Jack Carter and The Carol Burnett Show. Evan says the term "zinger" is making a comeback. Did it ever go away? Evan says that he's very proud of his current gig, but he doesn't give any specifics. Tom has a follow-up question: "Who do I send my packet to?" Evan claims that he once e-mailed Tom to see if he was available to write for McEnroe. Tom definitely didn’t get that e-mail because he would have been at the CNBC studio before Evan hit send. Evan says that McEnroe had a bit of a temper. Tom's surprised to hear that. Alas, the show was not a ratings success, and Evan says that Triumph once joked that ratings would double if someone accidentally rolled over on their remote control. Evan confirms that there were times when the show went undetected (under 10k viewers) by the Nielsens. Tom points out that even The Best Show gets better numbers.

McEnroe always wanted to do a traditional opening monologue with jokes, so part of Evan's daily duties were to convince him otherwise. Tom thinks they should have mined the bottomless well of tennis humor with features like a permanent line judge. Evan says they tried to get away with as much tennis humor as possible without it seeming like a full-on tennis show. The producers wanted to do a dilemma-settling segment called "Ask Yannick Noah", but the Frenchman wanted no part of l'accident de train. Despite the creative turbulence, Evan had a hoot doing the show, especially since it was easy to attract guests who wanted to meet McEnroe. The show's first guest was Will Ferrell (A Night At The Roxbury and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), and it was downhill from there. Tom suspects that people wanted to meet the tennis legend, but not actually appear on the broadcast. Evan says that while this was the general feeling, the guests were comforted by the fact that that show had no viewers. The show also attracted fine musical acts such as Death Cab For Cutie, The New Pornographers, Ambulance LTD, Yo La Tengo, and a rare performance by the reunited mid-1970s Newbridge band Paragon/Paradox.

Tom wants to know if McEnroe brought his stupid guitar around. He sure did. Evan says that he'd meet with him every day while he practiced the riff from Billy Squier's "The Stroke". McEnroe would often play out the end of the show with the band, so, for example, Yo La Tengo taught him The Ramones' "Beat on the Brat". Tom thinks it's always fun when someone thinks that they're great at everything because they're great at one thing. He recalls Mike Tyson's dubious claim that he could have been a brain surgeon if he chose to pursue a career in medicine. Tom thinks people should just appreciate their one thing, and Evan says that McEnroe still brings it on the court. He stood across the net to warm him up prior to some segments for the show, and McEnroe's fireball strokes knocked the racket out of his hand.

America's moral arbiter gets trapped in his own filth

Tom has some exciting news for Evan. He is the first recipient of the new "Supercaller" status. These Supercallers are exempt from the rules of closed-phone Tuesday because they consistently bring something interesting to the table. They can handle the freedom that Tom once provided to all callers, so Mike the Associate Producer automatically bumps them to the front of the line. Evan compares the mutants who attacked the open phones to the local hour of Matt Drudge’s radio show. Tom thinks Drudge has a great voice for radio, kind of like the frog from Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse. He's also a fan of his trademark porkpie hat. Tom doesn't think there's anything worse than the sleazy banner ads that litter the judgmental Drudge Report. During the Michael Richards fallout, Drudge was running a Kramer picture with the caption "Am I Racist?". Readers were asked to click through to get the answer. The current Drudge ad slate includes fat, diseased, wild orangutans, fancy cars, philandering mothers, bear attacks, giant bombs (the worst kind) descending on Fallujah, and, to show his softer side, a story about archaeologists who discovered a young couple locked in a 5,000-year-old tender embrace. Tom bids Evan adieu, and he immediately hangs up, setting a precedent for future Supercallers.

- A caller says (starts at 1:02) he's really disappointed in Tom for granting Supercaller status to Evan. The caller felt that Tom was trying to create a "boys club" and grovel for a job from a producer who was not that interesting. Tom says that Evan earned the honor. He GOMPs the caller for daring to question the first-ever Supercaller. In order to officially question a Supercaller, you have to say "Supercaller Challenge." Tom will then decide if you can proceed to make your case. Mike suggests that the caller was jealous. Tom agrees that he didn't like the fact that Evan worked on The Daily Show and made a connection with The Kid.


- As promised, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim check in (starts at 1:05) to peacefully promote Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, their new joint on the Adult Swim comedy network. Tom informs them that The Best Show is a live, family program to avoid any forays into toilet talk. The network publicist really dropped the ball, so the hotter-'n-hucking-fell duo were triple-booked for interviews. They will be simultaneously participating in an online chat for Giggles.biz via Eric's cell phone and a WBLH-Atlanta comedy forum via cell speakerphone. The panel includes an impressive lineup of Titans of Comedy: David Brenner, Dane Cook, George Lopez, and Family Guy creator, Matt Groening. Eric fields a question about their experience making funny shorts at Temple University film school. Tim asks Eric to put his ear up to the phone, but ditch the mouthpiece so he can talk to Tom. He spells his last name for one of the other interviewers; Eric discusses their German heritage. Tim apologizes, but Tom was also going to ask about their Germanic roots, so the triangulation of questions may conveniently overlap at certain points.

The pioneering TaEAS,GJ! (it's Adult Swim's first attempt at mostly live-action) debuted this past Sunday at 11:45 p.m. (view "Dads"), on the heels of Tom Goes to the Mayor. Eric lets everyone on the phones know that the TGTTM 3-disc complete series DVD set is out on 4/3/07 with commentaries on every episode. Tim and Eric tell the radio panel that while it was fun working with Gary Busey, he was not their favorite TGTTM guest star. Tim cracks himself and Eric up by describing TaEAS,GJ! as Monty Python's Flying Circus on acid. They allow the radio forum to use it, and Brenner makes a funny quip about how he thought the Python troupe were already on the 'cid. The time-period joke, which points out the redundancy of Tim's tagline, was a big hit. Tim and Eric feel a kinship with Brenner, who is also a Philadelphia guy. When they moved to L.A., Brenner contacted them early on to put out the welcome mat. He made their transition easy by offering to use his experience to help them make their comedy dreams come through. They discovered that L.A. was a true melting as they bonded with fellow Temple alums Bob Saget and Bill Cosby. Brenner looked Tim right in the eye and said that he doesn't roll out the red carpet for everybody. Eric says it was obvious that he checked out the video clips on their website and connected with their humor. Brenner was interested in this new style of comedy.

Tom wonders if the new show is a return to their Internet roots by focusing more on shorter video pieces and prank phone calls. Tim says it feels like the leash has been removed because now they can eschew sensible stories for pure wild fun. He says the goal of the new show is to tickle people. Like TGGTM, they've used their hotline to celebrity community to book special guests. Unfortunately, David Brenner doesn’t do sketch. Tim suggested that DB do a "tight two" of his stand-up, but there were right issues with the material. DB will do an open mic at a small club in L.A., but the sketch format is not for him. Tim and Eric replaced Brenner with John C. Reilly for the first episode. While they are pleased to get a trained, Oscar-nominated actor, they'd rather just put the Tourgasm quartet in a room and let them go. Tom starts talking Tim's language by mentioning the great Jay "The TLC Killer" Davis. The Tourgasm crew were tied up with a paintball / miniature golf / dwarf-tossing triathlon.

Tim says part of the problem is that a lot of the stand-up guys they worship don’t do sketch. As a result, they have to settle for B-grade utility comics like David Cross and Zach Galifianakis. They did an OK job, but they were definitely not as high on their list as Carlos Mencia and Jay Leno. Since Leno often flirts with some sketch stuff, Tim called him a month ago to try to convince him to do sketch on their show. He sent him 10 different potential sketches, but he refused all of them They walked away because they don't want to spoil the relationship they've forged through their appearances on The Tonight Show. Eric says it's hard to rewrite a Leno sketch for someone like David Cross, who has limited range compared to Leno. He's also not completely happy with the work of people like Will Forte and Maria Bamford. Tim says they had to bring in Fred Willard for a scene when Mencia was unavailable. Eric says that when they write, they consult a book full of choice Mencia bits to help the comedy just flow right out. Tim points out that the beauty of Mencia is that he does sketch, while Willard is primarily a film guy. Tom compares Mencia to a finely-tuned athlete in peak condition as he enters the prime of his career. Eric agrees, noting that despite focusing on the third season of Mind of Mencia, he'll come in and bang out the hilarity. Willard is a serviceable understudy. Despite these casting setbacks, they are pleased with the final product.

A rare David Brenner clip from the private collection of Tim and Eric

As they finish up their other interviews, Tim tells David Brenner that he'd like to discuss his great idea for a show. Tom thinks it will be exciting to hear about it. Tiim says that DB wants to do a late-1970s period piece called Fresh: David Brenner. In the titular role, DB will dabble in drugs and explore his friendship with some pimps and ho's in this Robin Hood-inspired tale. The show will try to focus on the good things that happened in the decade instead of focusing on drugs and prostitution. Brenner knows their lingo, and Eric is confident that his renditions of urban slang will bring the house down. Brenner lined up Paul Reiser to co-executive produce the show with him. He latched onto Reiser about five years ago after he saw Reiser and Reiser, an interview show in which the comic actor discussed his television and stand-up career. Tim likes the idea of Brenner playing a younger version of himself in the L.A. comedy scene as he grapples with drugs, violence, and crime. Reiser also knows that world. Plus, he can take the deeper, introspective sensibility of Reiser on Reiser into the more edgy, heartfelt realm of the Fresh: David Brenner. Eric promises that the show will not just be some laugh-out-loud Ace Ventura retread.

Eric mentions that listeners can get sneak peak of TaEAS,GJ! by typing "Tim and Eric" into YouseTube or Google. Tim recommends typing "Richard Lewis" into YouseTube for some good stand-up comedy from his HBO specials and Comedy Relief sets. (I did -- barren!) He personally prefers Richard Lewis over his own comedy. If Tim had a little more power in Hollywood, TaEAS,GJ! would feature a 10-minute set by Lewis, and then a 10-minute set from Brenner the following week. They would continue to tag-team for the whole season to comfort viewers who would not be subjected to random weirdness. Tim is certain that Lewis could deliver at least 100 minutes of material, which would yield a 10-episode season. Add that to Brenner footage they own, and you could cut together two full seasons with little production time and little cost beyond the premium paid to Lewis for his backdated rants.

If the hypothetical show did well, Tim and Eric would draw from their huge Brenner library for the second season. The nature of the show would allow them to cut and paste any joke they want, hitting the viewer with Brenner, than Lewis, than Brenner, than back to Lewis, etc. Tim and Eric would stay behind the scenes as EPs, booking studio time, negotiating with agents, and doing promotional press, such as coming back on The Best Show. Tom is a bit puzzled by their decision to retain TaEAS,GJ! as the title of this Brenner-Lewis program. Tim defends it by noting how absurd it would be if ABC changed the name of Full House just because they brought in a new character. Eric thinks that Tom is simply not privy to the duties of executive producers. They are the captains who craft the show, and it fits into their corporate branding initiative that includes the general Adult Swim enthusiasts, existing TGTTM fans, and now TaEAS,GJ!. Tim says that if they can reel in enough young, gullible kids, they will have a captive audience who will get an unexpected taste of their favorites: Richard Lewis and David Brenner. Eric says keeping the name is also crucial to locking in the TiVo Season Pass across multiple seasons. Tim drops one of TiVo's dirty little secrets: you cannot delete a Season Pass. Tim and Eric will also not alter the name of their tour, which hits New York on March 26th and then the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia the next night.

The live show may feature some Brenner clips, such as a very rare 1992 The Tonight Show appearance that Tim recorded on his handycam from the audience. Tom doesn't think they would have the rights to show that footage, but Eric says they have an exclusive deal for Brenner's catalog. Tim says that Leno looks the other way on this kind of stuff because he considers it valuable viral marketing. Tim spent much of the 1990s recording comics on late-night television. He created a good library. And thorough. Eric doesn't think there's anything better than going to Tim's house, grabbing a few brews, and watching a prime Richard Lewis on Letterman in 1991. Eric also has a Richard Jeni collection. I need to contact him about getting a Platypus Man bootleg. Eric says that these clips won't be shown on their tour. They are reserved for Tim's apartment and, hopefully, the second season of TaEAS,GJ!.

Tom mentions that TGTTM was a polarizing show in the Adult Swim community. People either loved it or hated it. Tim thinks the big-time haters will also hate TaEAS,GJ!. He discards them as an acceptable loss because TaEAS,GJ! will likely draw in a new group of viewers who were put off by the quiet dryness of TGTTM. Tim hopes that the heavily-viewed YouseTube preview clips indicate that some non-Adult Swim viewers will check it out. He thinks there will be a decrease in the haters, and an increase in the lovers. Eric puts it bluntly: "Tom, it's a great show." They've got 10 episodes in the can, and they will run without breaks, just like the new batch of Lost episodes. Tim mentions that they will be on Tom Green Live (view here) later tonight. The goateed Canadian now broadcasts a live television talk show Monday - Thursday from his living room. A few weeks ago Tim and Eric were interviewed by Neil Handburger, whose "Poolside Chats" air on the Tom Green online channel. Eric says the chat was a "drunken mess." Handburger joins the impressive guest roster by starring in the eighth episode of TaEAS,GJ!. In addition to the previously mentioned second-tier guests, Bob Odenkirk, Paul Reubens, the ghost of Horatio Sanz, "Weird Al" Yankovic, and Spraynard Kruger will also appear on the show.

Eric says that they also have some up-and-comers they found deep within the bowels of L.A. casting circles. Tim thinks these fresh-faced dads and office workers will become the new stars of television after the first season airs. He believes they will shine "as bright as night." Tom gets momentarily flustered by a mean e-mail he received, confirming Tim and Eric as polarizing forces. Tim takes this as a sign that they are doing something right, coming off like vital oxygen to some people and arsenic to others. Tim just put up an autographed photo of Garry Shandling that reads, "You cannot get caught up in the results of your work. It's not who you are." Tom's not sure what that means, so Tim and Eric explain that Shandling is highlighting the need to not worry about what people think and just do the things you do. Tom knows what they do, but he stumbles in reciting the name of their new program after it seemed like he finally had a handle on it. Tim says the same thing happened last night during their appearance on Charlie Rose . I caught this episode. Charlie went a s after they released a B'owl on his set. It's safe to say that it was the first and last time they will sit at his table. Tim says he needs to tell Tom something off the air, but Tom requests a teaser. Tim says the story involves a pearl-white Toyota Tercel he's leasing. Eric confirms that it's a nice ride.

Tom says he got thrown by the hater. One guy always gets him, even though 999,999 are pleased with the progress of the program. Eric tells Tom to say off the chat, but Tom tells him that he no longer visits his own chat because it hurt his feelings. Tim calls Tom a loser for mentioning that he avoids his own chat. Tom GOMPs them and tells listeners not to watch the stupid TaEAS,GJ! because Eric zinged him on the way out. He reads some of Terry's angry missive:


Tom denounces Terry for suggesting the shark jump, and Mike says that Terry just jumped the shark by besmirching a great name. Tom thinks that a woman with the name Terre is cool (cf. DJ Terre T), and it’s usually cool for men, like Listener T, but this guy is ruining the name for men. If Tom's name was Terry, he'd be mad right now. Tom also doesn't like when people throw the donation dollars line in his face. Tom reiterates that The Best Show is a tentpole program that cannot be Topped or Stopped. He believes that Terry is unable to grasp the Stephen Hawking-level heights of The Best Show because he has the mind of a two-year-old. He’s at the little card table away from the indecipherable grown-ups.


- Henry in Georgia calls (starts at 1:39) to have Tom calm his nerves by offering some guidance for something he's about to do. Hey, it's the guy who does the white-power pamphlet called Chunky! I still peruse the legendary "overrated" issue that totally eviscerated David Duke's Christmas album and that first Norse Savage 7". He’s getting ready to go to L.A. because he was nominated for a grammy. The awards show will mark the only black-tie affair he's attended besides his wedding. Tom doesn't believe that he was nominated for a Grammy, and he asks Henry if he's a member of Gnarls Barkley. He is not. Henry explains that he's involved in the incidental categories that are taken care of before the main broadcast. The winners receive certificates that can be redeemed at the local Green Stamps location. Tom says that New Jersey doesn't have Green Stamps because it's not 1972. He thinks Georgia is awesome, but he tells Henry that Green Stamps simply don't work. He asks Henry if Georgia still has Grit -- the newspaper, not the maize porridge common in the Southern U.S. Henry says he's a current subscriber to the publication. He’s also calling the show from a hand-crank telephone. Tom thinks Henry has veered into silliness, but Henry says it was either the hand-crank or two tin cups. While semaphore code is alive and well in Georgia, it's not suitable for radio transmission.

Tom speculates that Henry was nominated for his skill at lugging amps into a recording studio. Not quite. Since the pamphlet doesn't pay the bills, Henry makes his living by doing graphic design. He was nominated for his work on the Fonotone cigar box set. Henry is pleased that this kind of independent content was recognized because the Grammys tends to be completely wrapped up in commerce. Tom is shocked by the suggestion that an awards show broadcast by CBS would be driven by the bottom line. The Fonotone box is a five-disc collection of old-timey country and bluegrass music recorded by Joe Bussard, the obsessive, Frederick, Maryland-based record collector. Bussard is also the subject of the Australian-made documentary, Desperate Man Blues. Tom doesn't want to offend Henry, but he hopes he loses to the girl-group hatbox. Battle of the boxes! Henry thinks that design-wise, the hatbox is a one-trick pony.

Henry's competition:

* Rhino's One Kiss Can Lead To Another: Girl Group Sounds Lost & Found hatbox

* Rhino's A Life Less Lived: The Gothic Box in a faux-leather lace-up slipcase

* WB's Stadium Arcadium, featuing a disgusting Photoshop-by-numbers design

* Columbia/Legacy's The Cellar Door Sessions 1970 Miles Davis box

(Henry mistakenly placed Tool's 10,000 Days in this category. Adam Jones, the band's guitarist, was actually nominated in the "Best Recording Package" category. He won.)

Tom predicts the winner: cigar box! Tom assumes the winner for this category will be revealed on Thursday, but Henry is pretty sure that it will take place on the same day as the regular Grammys. After his ceremony, Henry will have to fold chairs and make food for the guests attending the big-time awards. He's hoping he'll be able to load in Sting's bass cabinet. Tom suspects that the temperamental Danger Mouse will yell at him. Henry claims that the one-time Atlanta resident used to sell records at the local Wuxtry. Henry invites Tom to come down and join in for some of that state's tasty BBQ, but he only eats vegetable steak. Tom went to a Mexican restaurant the other day and noticed a jerk who couldn't order because he had yet to unfurl his menu. Tom found his indecisiveness strange because his options were pretty clear: a taco, burrito, or fajita filled with his choice of chicken, shrimp, or vegetables. In other words, the Taco Bell big board (+ shrimp) shrunk and folded into a menu folder.

Henry starts taking notes so he can use some of this material in his acceptance speech. Tom urges Henry to request a single spotlight and do a very class soft-shoe. Tom advises against any mockery of past Grammy-winning duds like Milli Vanilli and Rick Springfield. Tom is a Springfield fan, and he doesn't think it's appropriate to make fun of Rob Pilatus (RIP) on a night about triumph. Tom argues that the guys in Milli Vanilli were just trying to get one over, and all the haters would push their own mothers in front of a train to get paid a ton of money to lip-sync in a video. Henry apologizes for raising Tom's hackles, but Tom says he's just mad at life in general.

Tom tells Henry to go to L.A. and return a winner. Henry promises to accept his award in the name of Good Guys everywhere. Tom says that if Henry was willing to put his money where his mouth currently resides, he's drop-kick the award halfway into the audience. Henry wants to document his promise to use his grammy as a doorstop in his office. Tom now changes his vote back to the hatbox people because they respect the award. He tells Henry that he can't have it both ways like the flip-flopping John Kerry. Tom GOMPs him for simultaneously wanting and not wanting the prize. If Tom won a Grammy, he'd proudly accept it by jumping around and rubbing it in the faces of those who didn't get one. He'd then get escorted from the building.

Postscript: Henry Owings lost the grammy to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

- Tom's weak, fragile heart gets warmed (starts at 1:54) by a nice e-mail supporting his cause. The die-hard fan believes that Tom is steering The Best Show ship better than ever in 2007. The trolls are no match for The Kid. The fan then suggests that Tom do a "barrel roll" to ensure his lifelong listenership. Tom can't make sense of the bizarre directive, and he ends up getting more mad at this guy than he was at Terry the Hater. Tom thinks the jet-loving goth kid from Little Miss Sunshine sent the e-mail.

- Andy in Portland calls (starts at 1:55) to take issue with Tom's classification of Mexican cuisine. He thinks Tom is omitting a mindboggling array of meats that can only be found in Mexican restaurants, such as cabeza, carnitas, chile verde, and lengua. The restaurant Tom went to had a much more limited menu. Tom questions the Andy's decision to consume animals instead of getting by on vegetables. Andy says he gave vegetarianism a chance, but he had to quit because he can't resist succulent pork. Tom thinks he's weak. Andy says he saw a car with WFMU bumper stickers parked outside the Mexican meathouse. Tom GOMPs the carnivore for putting smart pigs in his stomach. He then tries to give himself a pep talk for the final hour, but his confidence is waning. He thinks he's cruising to an "L". Anthony Hopkins saves the day yet again. Get ready for the best one hour of The Best Show ever!

- Kip Palfner, Tom's co-worker at Consolidated Cardboard (Double C!), calls (starts at 2:10) to recap and test Tom's trivia skills. Kip toils down on the loading dock, so he's been braving the frigid temperatures the last few weeks. However, after toughing it out for the winter, they have a great weather window of mid-April up until late September, when it’s “heaven on Earth”. The dock workers swing the big door open and load things to and fro under the warm sun. Some of the workers will sometimes go shirtless. Kip does this.

Kip saw Tom last night for CC's trivia night at Los Amigos, a popular spot in Newbridge Commons. Tom stepped in for Darren, his Hell Toupee bandmate, and led his team to an narrow upset victory. Kip’s team, The Loaders, usually wins, but Tom was the catalyst for ending their run last night. Kip sarcastically thanks his teammate Lenny for blowing the deciding question. He forgot that Olivia Newton-John was born in England, not Australia. Kip planned to retaliate by ringing his neck at work today, but Lenny called in sick. Tom's team took advantage of Lenny's blunder to escape with a 1-point win. Kip says the close loss still hurts. Tom views trivia night as just a fun time, but Kip says that some people take it more seriously than others. Kip says Tom showed remarkable stuff, and he was thoroughly impressed even though Tom stumbled a bit during the final question. The question asked for the last name of John F. Kennedy’s secretary, and Tom correctly answered Lincoln. Kip apologizes for disputing the answer because Tom didn't provide the full name of Evelyn Lincoln. Kip was so caught up in winning that he got a bit twisted up when he knew the first name, which the question did not require. Kip drilled Lenny on presidential trivia often and hard leading up to the event, but he still choked.

rarebell_small.pngKip thought the defeat would be a big wake-up call for his guys, but they’ve lost their “trivilocity”, their hunger for the quest to walk the halls of trivia glory. Kip believes that when you don’t take trivia seriously, you get kicked off the team, as they all were today. Kip wants to assemble a new team. He’d go it alone if he could, but the rules require at least two players per team. The former members of The Loaders didn’t care about getting the boot, which was like a stake through Kip’s heart. He kicked everyone on the dock to the trivia curb except a German guy named Rutager. Tom knows his brother, who's equally as messed up. Kip doesn’t want to get near either of these dudes because they both attract a really bad element like the stoned kid who lives in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker. Tom, of course, knows Bryce from his many calls to the program. Kip came in to work last Thursday at 6 a.m. to rearrange his locker. He saw Bryce and Rutager doing coke off a Herman Rarebell's Herman Ze German album cover. Tom correctly identifies Rarebell as the drummer from The Scorpions. Tom got the name, but Kip docks him for not immediately correcting him for saying it was an LP instead of an EP. Kip says Tom is not a real trivia ace yet, but he's confident that he'll get there.

In a perfect world, Kip would get his 16-year-old son a job on the dock so he could then enlist him as his trivia partner. Kip says that Pudge does know his stuff. Tom thought he said Punch at first, but the name Pudge rings a bell. He asks Kip if his son has ever called the show. Kip isn’t sure, but he says that Pudge leads a kind of double life. He’s so smart that he lives in a completely different atmosphere. Kip doesn’t even know what he’s doing half the time, but he’s certain that he’s got quite a bean. He’s also very shy, so Kip is trying to pull out of his shell. Kip says that a couple of months ago, Pudge read Thomas Pynchon’s latest novel, Against The Day, in five days. Kip says it would take him a month to get through the massive tome. Tom tells Kip that Pudge mentioned his speed reading in one of his calls to the show. Kip thinks the book seems boring. Tom doesn’t have the head for that stuff, either. Kip is putting a new team together, and he’s pretty tight with Tom’s supervisor, Old Man Dalrymple. He’s about 90% sure that he can pull strings and get Tom transferred out of his stuffy office. Tom confirms that he was recently promoted to CC’s #3 man in Product Safety. Kip thanks Tom for deigning to speak with him. Tom’s a bit miffed by the comment, but Kip says he was just busting his b’s.

Kip is offering to get Tom away from the necktie dudes and down into the dock where everyone is breathing the fresh air and having fun by snapping towels on each other’s bottoms. Most importantly, they all live the trivia dream. Tom is hesitant to make the move. Kip admits that it’s hard work, but they have fun doing it. Tom will have to endure the standard hazing rituals for his first few weeks on the dock. Kip thinks it will be worth it. The hazing entails soaking Tom’s jumpsuit with the slimy runoff that results from spraying down the docks at the end of each day. Kip describes this liquid as a "sewagey kind of soup". Tom would then have to wear the encrusted jumpsuit for six weeks. Kip says it’s not that big of a deal, but Tom thinks he will pass on the transfer. Kips says that Tom would also have to buy lunch for the entire company for a week. With over 400 CC employees, the total cost would be around $10,000. Tom says he will definitely pass on the offer. If he accepted, he would also have to slash Old Man Dalrymple’s tires.

Tom notices that Kip is drinking something. Kip is drinking beer, and he's doesn't like that Tom appears to be running some kind of Inquisition. Kip says he’s 38 and can drink whatever he wants. Tom says it sounds like Kip is catching a bit of the pause that refreshes. Kip says he is, but he’s not drinking Coca-Cola. Tom gives him props for knowing the vintage slogan. Kip says that’s why he’s Tom’s trivia leader. Tom officially declines the generous offer to work on the docks. He'll remain upstairs. Kip comes clean -- his transfer offer was just a formality. It's small potatoes compared to what he really wants Tom for: Titans of Trivia, a new show that will debut on The Shout! Network in May. Tom isn’t familiar with the show, so Kip explains that the network will scour the country to find the best two-person teams of triviologists. Kip wants Tom to be his partner for the auditions being held at the Newbridge Memorial Coliseum on March 2nd. Kip already figured out their logo: an image of two severely bruised hands holding million-dollar bills. The hands’ backstory is that they were injured from continually slamming the buzzer with max force. Kip gives an audio demonstration of the scenario in which the hands slam the buzzer the instant a question is read.

Someone lost the hunger for the spoils of proper spelling

Kip wants to run a quick scrimmage to see if Tom is truly worthy of being his ToT teammate. He's a bit concerned about Tom’s trivia timidity. Tom says he’s vaguely intrigued by the ToT show, and he’d kinda be interested in pursuing it. Kip asks Tom a string of questions to see if he’s up to snuff:

1. What is the only state that can fly it’s flag at the same height of the U.S. flag?

Kip gives Tom three seconds to answer. Tom doesn’t know. Answer: Texas.

2. What is ironic about Panama hats?

Kip gives Tom five seconds to answer. Tom says he will have to turn down his headphones if Kip insists on making a loud buzzer sound to indicate that time has elapsed. Kip gives him five more seconds to respond, but Tom can't cite the irony of these hats. Answer: They originated in Ecuador.

3. What was the first motion picture with sound?

As Kip's five-second buzzer goes off, Tom gets it right: The Jazz Singer. Kip wants the year of the film’s release, and he’s disappointed that it takes Tom three guesses to hit 1927. Tom doesn’t think it’s horrible, but Kip doesn’t think it’s great.

4. At present, who is the world’s longest reigning monarch?

At the five-second count, Tom goes with Libya’s Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi. Kip is disheartened by Tom’s response, and he feels like he’s wasting his time. Answer: Thailand’s King Bhumibol Adulyadej

5. What is the origin of the word “perfume”?

Tom gives up in the middle of Kip’s countdown. Answer: it’s derived from the Latin "per fume", meaning through smoke, referring to the burning of incense and herbs.

6. Name all of Black Sabbath’s vocalists in order.

Kip gives Tom 20 seconds, and Tom uses 14 to list Ozzy Osbourne, Ronnie James Dio, Ian Gilliam (sic), Ozzy again, and RJD again. Kip switches two crucial letters to express his profane displeasure on the radio: “Hucking Fell”. His anger scares Tom a bit. Kip informs Tom that he missed seven singers. He wants Tom to count him down (Tom has to abort the count due to laughter) as he runs through the correct progression: Ozzy Osbourne, Ronnie James Dio, Ian Gillian, David Donato, Ozzy at Live Aid, Jeff Fenholt, Glenn Hughes, Ray Gillen, Tony Martin, RJD again, Tony Martin, Ozzy again, and RJD again

7. T or F: In 1978, in an effort to bolster its workforce, Burger King launched the “Take This Job and Love It!” campaign based on an irreverent Johnny Paycheck song.

Tom answers false, and he’s right. Tom thought his overall performance in the scrimmage was pretty good, but Kip rips his omissions in the Black Sabbath response. He wishes Tom wasn't such an Ash Ole. Tom is flustered because he didn’t know that Black Sabbath had that many vocalists. Kip thought Tom was clay, and he expected to easily mold him into a trivia master, but now he realizes that Tom is a disgrace to Trivius. Kip can’t believe that Tom is unfamiliar with this mythological trivia creature. Since Tom has never read a book on Greek mythology, Kip explains that Trivius is Zeus’s lesser-known older brother and the God of factoids. Tom would not have pegged an ancient Greek etymology to the word “factoids”. Kip wonders if Tom thought the term originated from Sheldon Patinkin, one of the founding fathers of The Second City improv troupe in Chicago. Here's some obscure Trivius trivia I doubt even Kip knows: he filmed an episode of VH-1's Pop-Up Video in 1997, but it never aired due to an incident with his co-host, Joan Osbourne. Kip says that Trivius used to beat on Zeus with a cane (similar to the one used by The Penguin) if he didn’t know something. While the factoid deity has pretty much been erased from the annals of mythology, he did serve as the inspiration for the Marvel comic book character, Thor.

Thor was originally going to be a genius, cane-wielding superhero called Trivior the Fact Slayer. Trivior was slated to make his debut in the 1962 Journey Into Mystery anthology, but Marvel got cold feet and decided to base the character on the hammer-wielding Norse god instead. Marvel thought that the whole cane angle was too sexual for their books. Kip thinks they thought Trivius’s penchant for smacking people with cane was akin to a stepuncle erotically whacking his 19-year-old nephew. Tom didn’t even know there were step-uncles and Kip’s pronunciation makes it sound nautical, like the term for a bolt sticking out of a boat. Kip informs Tom that a "rontle" is the bolt stemming from the underside of a boat. Kip begins to suspect that Tom doesn’t want the trivia glory. Tom says he had fun playing trivia last night at the bar, but he thinks Kip is at a different level. Kip thinks he’s at a whole different level than most people on Earth, but he doesn’t let that stop him. He just dives in. Tom says that he’s interested in Titans of Trivia, but Kip doesn’t detect much excitement in his voice. Tom says that he didn’t realize the level of intensity involved in competitive trivia.

Kip asks Tom if his lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that he’s totally bald while Kip has just under half a head of hair. Tom denies being totally bald, but Kip says Tom looks totally bald to him and a lot of other people at CC. Kip has the horn of hair around the back of his head like Larry David, but it's longer. Tom never thought of that as a horn, and he points out that Kip is heavier than Larry David. Kip prefers to classify his 394-pound frame as "beefier". Tom says he doesn’t mean to judge Kip, but he always thought of him as more like an overweight, bald Wolfman Jack. Kip wants to know whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawhyyyyyyyyyy Tom would you say that. Tom says that’s how Kip always looked to him. Kip is so shocked by the description that he predicts Tom will follow it up by refusing to play Russian Trivia Roulette. Tom thinks this game might revolve around Soviet Union trivia, but it doesn’t. Kip says that if you answer incorrectly, you have to jump off the Newbridge suspension bridge. Tom is not interested in this game. Kip has won all three rounds of RTR that he’s played, but three CC employees did not fare as well: Chip from the dock, Bruce in accounting, and Sheila, who used worked in the commissary. Tom hasn’t seen much of Chip or Bruce, and he also noticed that Sheila has not been serving up any creamed corn of late. Tom asks Kip if they all jumped off the bridge because they missed a question. Kip goes silent, and then points out that he’s gone silent.

"That’s one 6-iron for a baked man, one booming 3-wood for mankind."

Kip says that the more he thinks about it, the less he needs Tom to make his trivia dreams come through. Kip is confident that he can became a ToT on his own. Kip asks Tom if he recalls the Trivia Truck video game at Pappito’s on the Pizza Promenade. Kip’s so good that he’s broken it seven times. He played the game until the machine started smoking. Tom bleeps out another "Hucking Fell" and begs Kip not to use the phrase again. Kip’s ready for the Lighting Round!

1. OnFebruary6th,1971,thefirstgolfballwashitonthemoonbywho?

Tom’s first answer is Neil Armstrong. Kip indicates that this is an incorrect response by making an extremely loud and extended buzzer sound. He’s glad that Tom didn’t POT him down because he hopes his trivia set Tom's ears on fire. He gives Tom another guess, and repeats the question by saying it even faster. Tom asks Kip if there was an astronaut named Art. Kip hopes this query was a joke. It wasn’t, so Tom apologizes for his lack of knowledge on aerospace trivia. Kip says that everyone was raving about Tom last night, but now he thinks Tom must have been lucky to get questions he’d been hording the answers to for years. Kip never reveals the lunar golfer: Alan Shepard.

2. Who played the title role in the 1957 film, The D.I.?

Tom doesn’t know, and this confirms Kip's suspicions that he's an Ash Ole. Kip gives Tom a hint: the actor was also in He Walked By Night. Tom’s still stumped, so Kip drops another clue: his co-star with Harry Morgan on a TV show. Tom finally gets it: Jack Webb. Kip tells Tom that if he embarrasses him like this on live television, he will rip out his “razor cane”. Kip uses this “razor cane” to discipline his students, and he intends to do the same to Tom, if necessary. If Tom gets a question wrong on ToT, he will slap Tom’s bare bottom with the cane. Tom says he would punch Kip in the face if pulled such a move. If Tom throws a punch, Kip will flick the cane to reveal its blade and slash Tom in the face. Tom asks Kip if he’s a supervillain. Kip confirms the “super” part, but he’ll let The Lord determine if he’s a villain. Tom doesn’t like the prospects of being slashed in the face with a razor cane. Kip thinks Tom could do worse than that fate. For example, Kip wants Tom to meet him at the loading dock at 4 a.m. for Bible trivia. Tom predicts an easy Kip victory on this topic. Kip vows to force Tom to eat the Bible. The consumption will not be oral. Tom thinks it sounds horrible. Kip loves it, but he abruptly hangs up because his mother is coming.

Tom declares this the weirdest call in the history of the program. He is creeped out by having to work with someone who wields a razor cane. And it's Pudge's dad!

- Jason, formerly of the UK, calls (starts at 2:40) from his new residence in the Stink City section of The United States of America. Fresh from a second viewing of The Queen, Tom wants Jason's take on the Queen. When he was a rebellious kid, Jason hated the entire monarchy system, but now that he's mellowed, he has an affection for the Queen. He even has a postcard of her on his refrigerator. Tom and Jason both admire the toughness required to drive a Range Rover.

Tom thinks the rest of the family are a bunch of simps, and he wants to know what the deal is with her husband. Jason says he's Greek. Tom mocks the Queen's whiny relatives, and hails her for being the only one holding things down. Since Jason hasn't seen the film yet, he wants to know if her husband makes any racist remarks. Tom says he doesn't, but he is very patronizing to the slobs. Tom confirms that the Queen took the throne after her father, King George VI, died in 1952. She was only 26 at the time. When she dies, Prince Charles, a wimpy chowderhead, would become The King. Jason points out that she could also abdicate and skip Charles in favor of Prince Henry, Prince Steve, or even Prince Mike, Associate Producer of The Best Show. Jason wants an update on the condition of Mike's chair, and Tom says it's worse than the furniture afforded prisoners. Jason is trying to get him a new office chair on craigslist.

Tom doesn't agree with those who thought the Queen should have performed a tap dance or a duet with Elton John after the passing of Diana Spencer. He thinks that she's exempt from such trifles because she's THE QUEEN! Tom points out that she did learn that she sometimes has to do things she doesn't want to do to survive. Just like Tom and The Best Show. Jason sums up this royal kinship by adapting a familiar refrain: "What one Queen can do, another can do." He also saw another good film about the monarchy: King Ralph. He saw the film dubbed in German while staying in a hotel in Holland.

At the risk of abusing his position in the FOT community and Tom's trust, Jason is looking for tips and suggestions for a job in his new country. He's extending his newsboy cap like a chimney sweep in the hopes that The Best Show listeners can help him out. Jason's varied skills include physical labor, menial tasks, and standing around drinking tea while making smart comments. He's as strong as an American ox, the strongest oxes on the planet. Tom says that Mike keeps bringing in his collection of ox-fighting DVDs, but he refuses to watch them. Mike has given Jason a few of his ox-boxing discs. Tom says that Mike is also really into Faces of Death, and he's constantly talking about his hope for a new series. Jason says that Mike has a lot in common with Matt Drudge. He thinks that Drudge is trying to capitalize on YouseTube's popularity by luring people into his all-filth zone with banner clickies of people dying. Tom throws Matt Drudge into The Best Show Hate Pit.

Jason's dream job would be to use his 10 years of stagehand experience in some kind of "fringe theater" assignment. Jason likes the chance for creative input on smaller productions where you don't just feel like a cog in the machine. In the bigger Broadway stuff, someone might tell you to pick something up and put it over there. However, in the smaller production, someone might request a chimney or a flame effect. In this scenario, Jason would be free to think about the request over a cup of tea and the paper, and then come back and execute the task. Tom says that listeners can e-mail him with job leads (chimney sweep or otherwise) for this strong British guy looking to put food on the table and buy his new wife nice things. Jason declares Tom his hero, but Tom deflects the praise by saying he's just a mirror. He then GOMPs Jason because he was begging for work.

- Officer Tom gives (starts 2:50) Tom a little blast from his patrol car to celebrate his first call to the program since last Halloween. Tom wants OT to fire his gun. He can't do that, although he did almost get to kick in a door earlier in the evening. He and his partner had to enter a two-family house to assist three women from DYFS (not to be confused with DOOFUS, OT's archenemy) serve papers to some recidivist hippies. As they walked up to the second floor, they smelled a bit of the crippler. They knocked on the door and heard people rummaging around on the inside. OT assumed that they were destroying the evidence, but after one good shot to the strong door, the guy raced to open it. OT resisted the urge to hit the reprobate in the forehead with the butt of his gun. OT's efforts made him a hero to the DYFS worker. Tom wants to know if OT can get him an honorary 24-hour badge. OT knows the guy who makes the badges, and he planned to have him create some FOT badges with I.D. cards. Tom is excited about having the ability to flash the badge and commandeer a car in case his Prius explodes. OT knows a cop who commandeered a car in Jersey City to chase a fleeing criminal, and he got in more trouble that it was worth. Tom agrees that it sounds like a disaster in the making.

Tom asks OT if he ever fought someone that blasted out the window with a jet pack. OT thinks that might happen before his law-enforcement career ends. Tom predicts that police work will look like Minority Report by 2015. OT will be happy as long as he can legally use a tazer in New Jersey before he retires. OT says he would weep and sob if tazers were allowed on the force the day after he retired. He's got 5.5 years left before he becomes a professional DJ. There goes the radio neighborhood! OT says he can hook Jason up with something while he waits for his theater career to take off stateside. Tom thinks OT and Jason could create a sitcom adaptation of Get Carter. OT hasn't seen that film, but he did see Smokin' Aces. Tom tried to go see his buddy Jeremy Piven, but he left 15 minutes into it because some mutant kids wouldn't stop talking. He told them to shut up, but they refused. He got a refund from the theater manager. This kind of s would never happen at the fancy Montclair theater with all the pleasant elderly people. OT promises to stop procrastinating and start delivering some movie reviews. Tom bids him farewell and warns him about the lunatics wandering the streets.

It wasn't pretty, but The Kid pulled out the:


On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike eulogizes Anna Nicole Smith, Mickey Dolenz and Matt Drudge escape from the Hate Pit and try to hijack the program, Philly Boy Roy hails the pro-Philly village of Zitiste, Officer Tom reviews Norbit, and THE RETURN OF BEARDO!!!!!

Heave-ho, three Johnny Mac-related clips in a row:

Happy (early) Valentime's Day!



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