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The Bristol Stomp.

"Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert! Catch the intruder. Chicken! Fight like a robot!" -- Tom, alerting the humanoid to Evil Otto's arrival, and then taunting it
"What? Best film of the year? That might not have even been the best film I saw that week." -- Tom, refusing to buy into Little Miss Sunshine's Oscar hype
"If their song was played any slower, it would have been going backwards." -- Tom on The Shins' SNL dirge
"It's barely even music." -- Steve in Brooklyn on TV on the Radio's bizarro soundscapes
"Why would I ever want a half of sandwich?" -- Christopher from Rhode Island, wanting it all
"I did not fight in the punk wars to allow hippy stuff like this to reign supreme." -- Tom, dispensing the wisdom of DJ Terre T
"Where's my cat o' nine tails?" -- Tom, looking to punish Mike the Associate Producer for selling him an old topic for $220
"You know what I like to get drunk on? Nice cold sodey and use my imagination. That's all I need." -- Tom, dismissing high-end firewater
"I'm watching some dummy do some snowboarding, and I'm almost crying watching it because it looked so beautiful, so clear." -- Tom on his new HDTV
"I'm gonna complain to the slave that made this in some Chinese torture factory." -- Tom on the "Oooh"/"Aaah" mix-up on his sound effects machine
"And people wonder why kids are fatter than ever. Why every kid looks like a snowman." -- Tom, finding answers in New Brunswick's Greasy Kid Stuff
"I feel like a god right now. It's insane! I feel like I could shoot lightning out of my fingers." -- Tom on his Butkus-like power to destroy people
"It's unacceptable. It's just gross. It's the end of society." -- Tom on the failure to scoop poop
"Every one of the topics I do is the same topic. They're called COMPLAIN." -- Tom, revealing his secret
"Like if Beethoven was playing a concert, would there be like security for that?" -- Philly Boy Roy, wondering about the backstage set-up at 18th- and 19th-century shows
"I don't like them on my stereo or on my television." -- Tom locating exactly where he doesn't like Santana
"I was gonna ask you to define 'horrible', but I probably don't need ya to." -- Philly Boy Roy, confirming that dangerous animal fights occur at his free-range pet store
"The snake could totally crawl in the sneaker, though." -- Philly Boy Roy on his Dr. Moreau-like attempts to breed a snake with a Puma shoe
"How does that go undetected in the Barnes & Noble experience?" -- Tom, wondering how the nice bookseller could have the filthiest bathroom on Earth
"This program is the sole reason why the Democrats won in 2006. Just the uniting force of this program." -- Tom, touting The Best Show's influence on the elections without any radio hyperbole
"You know what that is? That's a chocolate Cheez-It®." -- Mike the Associate Producer on Oreo Thin Crisps
"We live the dash between the dates on our tombstones." -- Efraim in New Jersey, finally getting our fascination with zombies

[TBSOWFMU - 1/30/07 / Podmirth / Video and Art Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Of Montreal - "She's A Rejector"

( Click here to buy Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?)

The Broken West - "On The Bubble"

( Click here to buy I Can't Go On I'll Go On)

The Format - "Time Bomb"

( Click here to buy Dog Problems)

Silkworm - "Wet Firecracker"

( Click here to buy Firewater)

Angry Angles - "She's Dead" (from the "Crowds" 7)

( Click here to review the entire J. Reatard ouevre and then seek it out)

Jesu - "Transfigure"

( Click here to pre-order Conqueror)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Before starting the recap proper, I need to swing by the vestibule of the WFMU record libary to dig around Tom's gymnasium bag for some of Kern's new Vitajex dietary supplement. I also need to locate a spittoon.


Ok, I'm back. My batteries are charged! Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! I am READY! I mean, I'm in THE MOOD! That's what Vitajex does to me, and I ain't even swallowed 'em yet! Watch out, redheads! Omar comin'!

After nearly a month of anticipation, Tom installs his fancy new digital set-up to distort his voice into an amalgam of Josh Falken, Pudge mentor Stephen Hawking, "Intergalactic", and the reatard robots from Bezerk. Tom appreciates the ease of doing a simple mic switch to transform from man to machine live on the air, but he's not entirely sold on the authenticity of the resulting robotic tones. He vows to employ the effect sparingly because he must wield his newfound power with great responsibility. He calls on the ghost sound effect to voice its support of his plan, but it comes in a bit late. Perhaps it was just getting back from haunting Sathingtron in the woods of Weird, N.J. Tom says the device makes him feel like Andy Griffith's Larry "Lonesome" Rhodes character in A Face in the Crowd, and he cues up the cackling laughter effect. Tom thinks the sequence is representative of what is really happening out in radio land. He drops a mildly amusing quip, which causes one person to laugh like a lunatic as they sit alone in their apartment ... on an orange crate. Scrubbing their only spoon.

During the opening music set, Tom test-launched a variety of effects, dropping some bombs and assorted electronica on top of the tunes. A flurry of sounds were inserted into the beginning of Theo Leo's "Biomusicalilty", creating a pretty nifty remix. FOT Gregg Gillis apparently used snippet of it in one of his "mash-ups" later that night at the Empty Bottle in Chicago. Several music bloggers who attended the show said the sample was seamlessly sandwiched between the opening verse of Heavy D's "Somebody For Me" and the main riff from Alice In Chains's "Nem Bones". Tom predicts that the bomb effects will get heavy rotation since they are a lot more useful then the robo-talk microphone feature. Any ROBO-talk on The Best Show will be reserved for human-voiced discussions about the drummer from Black Flag. Tom will continue to explore the nuances of the machine in the upcoming weeks. I'm confident that he'll quickly become the maestro of the soundboard, punctuating every key beat with the mad skillz of James Cramer.

- Boom. Tom goes (starts at 31:16) right into a hott call-in topic suggested by Mike the Associate Producer: a nice game of I DON'T GET IT! Mike doesn't get TV on the Radio and their highly-praised doo-wop album, Return to Cookie Mountain. The band's music fails to register in Mike's head. Let's face it: Mike doesn't care about blipsters.

Tom doesn't get Little Miss Sunshine, which is now being hailed as the Best Picture frontrunner. He's completely baffled because it might not have even been the best film he saw that week. Tom takes a stand and goes on record calling it a bad movie. He lists the ill-advised ingredients in its quirky indie stew: Tony Robbins, JonBenét Ramsey, a gay Proust scholar, a totally stressed-out Stepford Wife, a dirty old man, and a Kurt Cobain-like teen who wants to join the Air Force. Tom thinks the creative decision to throw this crew into a van en route to a kiddie beauty pageant sounds more like the VH-1 reality series, The Surreal Life, than award-worthy cinema.

While the Oscar-nominated screenplay has been widely-praised as being well-written, Tom had a difficult time finding examples of its stellar craftsmanship. Tom wonders if the overly-convenient scene where the one Proust scholar runs into two other Proust scholars at a convenience store is the kind of sharp writing its champions dig. Tom thinks scribbler Michael Arndt tried a little too hard to make the characters unique, particularly the mute, depressed goth who has peculiar dreams of the military life. Tom believes this incongruent mix of traits is rarely seen because it's completely alien to reality. Tom thinks they should have just had two little television antennas protruding from the top of his head like something from American Dad: The Movie, which he's still working on. Tom isn't supposed to reveal any plot points, but he says Roger goes back to his home planet. Get ready! I'd like to see Rog become a Kierkegaard enthusiast to reinforce his existential angst. Make it happen, Tom!

F to the C: This guitar lesson changed my life

- A caller agrees (starts at 36:08) with Tom's take on LMS. He thought it was boring. His wife wants to throw out the popular indie rock band, The Shins. He predicts that Tom is very ambivalent about the band. Tom saw them sleepwalk on SNL a few weeks ago, and he thought they played as slowly as possible without spinning the song backwards. I, too, saw this performance, and during their narcotized take on the eight-year-old "New Slang", frontman James Mercer's mouth moved so little that I was looking for a ventriloquist dummy on the stage. Perhaps the caller's wife rejects the band due to the irritating face of Mr. Mercer. Keyser Soze!

The caller's contribution to the game is the inane Grey's Anatomy. Tom's never seen an episode, but he's kind of known not to see it. Shhhh -- I don't think rehab is gonna heal that one guy. The bottom line: the caller likes The Shins, and his wife likes Grey's Anatomy. While Tom was not impressed by their live show, The Shins' recorded music changed his life. The caller doesn't understand how or why the band's songs altered Tom's existence. He thinks Tom may be overstating the case. Tom hums the intro of "New Slang" and GOMPs him sans bomb effect. Tom was hoping to have a moment of triumph, but his sound effects box was turned off.

- A marble-mouthed girl calls (starts at 38:16) to say she doesn't get why people watch the Super Ball. Tom wants her to teach him what that is, but she hangs up. Tom only watches Disney family fare like Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. The caller's garbled introduction sounded like she was about to start ripping High School Musical, but she ultimately did not not get the children's sitcom. Tom would have had none of it because the program is saving the ailing music industry.

- Tom doesn't get (starts at 39:12) the evening news. He can't imagine that anyone really cares about Katie Couric taking over for Dan Rather and her ratings relative to Tom Brokaw's. Since it's not 1952 when everyone was home at 6 p.m., Tom wonders who is actually watching a televised USA Today that recaps the day's events in 15 minutes. The answer: olds. Tom's never seen the evening news because he's still at Consolidated Cardboard when it airs. I assume he catches up with those 288-disc DVD box sets.

I just picked up Criterion's NBC Nightly News 1993 set. I love mid-period Brokaw, and this year was loaded: the dissolution of Czechoslovakia, the signing of the Family and Medical Leave Act, Gary Coleman successfully sued his 'rents, the first WTC bombing, the Koresh raid, CERN invented the World Wide Web, the Heidi Fleiss raid, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the Maharashtra earthquake, Michael Jordan retired for the first time, River Phoenix O.D.'d for the last time, Pablo Escobar was gunned down, Colin Ferguson went nuts on the Long Island commuter rail, Charles Colson won the Templeton Prize, and The Breeders released Last Splash.

Even more amazing than the network evening news? The local evening news. Holy moly. These broadcasts -- with their incessant stories about dinosaurs, thunder, and race wars -- makes the network evening news look like a summarize Proust competition . The other night I caught the end of a broadcast featuring a report on an armed robbery of an erotic sandwich shop and a dubious warning about a possible "wintry mix". I'm pretty sure I heard the anchorlady sign off with "blacks are scary, wear a jacket!"

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 40:41) the outpouring of emotion for Barbaro, the beloved thoroughbred who died on January 29th after an extended bout of laminitis. Tom gets it because he felt sorry for that nice, poor horse. The caller says Tom's a humanitarian, which, of course, makes no sense. The proper term is equinitarian.


- Tom doesn't get (starts at 42:03) action figures of sports stars. Tom is fine with people getting happiness from collecting them, but he's not interested in staring at a Rip Hamilton figurine. Tom points out that nobody takes them out of the box because that would diminish their resale value. I've never really collected figurines, sports or non, but I did recently put my sealed Ram-Man and William Shakespeare figures in a safety deposit box. I will eventually sell them on eBay for $40 each.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 42:43) Babel. Tom doesn't get why the caller is multi-tasking by washing dishes while calling the program. August stopped in mid-milkshake! Get your priorities in order, son! Tom drops a GOMP bomb on him for disrespecting the listening audience by clinking his dirty plates in the background. Tom wants him to pay attention instead of fiddling with the faucet and squirting liquid soap around like he's chit-chatting with his friend. His inability to focus is probably why he couldn't follow the byzantine plot of the tri-continental Crash-em-up.

- Steve from Brooklyn seconds (starts at 44:05) Mike's TV on the Radio entry. He listened to the album and it went so far over his head that he thinks it barely qualifies as actual music. Steve also doesn't get the idiotic 24 with the stupid real-time clock at the bottom of the screen. It's not TV, it's barely TV! Tom filed a request two weeks ago to dial down the show, but Fox refused, citing strong 18-49s and DVD sales. The only show with a ticking clock that Tom likes is Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. You know Jack Bauer will survive even the most harrowing entanglement, but you can never predict what will happen on Studio 60 because it's written by a crazy man who's losing his mind while holding down a showrunner position. Tom is entertained by watching a man with all this power lose his marbles and write the worst, weirdest stuff. Nobody questions it because he propelled his muse, Harriet Hayes, to stardom and won a WGA award for the critically-acclaimed film, Removing All Doubt. He's golden for eternity.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 46:21) everyone's problem with Petey being on the radio. Tom explains that people are talking about the rock group TV on the Radio. The caller says he'll think of a different one and call back. He parts by nicking Tom's high-pitched bye -- totally snaked The Kid's go-too move.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 47:01) why The Rolling Stones' 2006 world tour became the highest-grossing tour of all-time with receipts of $437 million. He thinks the band should have been "put down" in about 1978. Mike saw them. He liked them. The caller commends Tom for spinning some Mud, but he'd also like to hear more Slade, who are the greatest. Dude's driving his yellow cab around Manhattan and needs a Slade fix. Tom wants to hear about some of his famous passengers, so he offers Mia Farrow. Tom wants to hear a good one, so he name-drops Earl "The Pearl" Monroe.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 48:31) Maonnaise, which she thinks is one of the most disgusting foods ever. Tom agrees that it's pretty gross. The caller's old roommate used to drown French fries in that s. The caller has no problem with the separate ingredients, but when emulsified, it becomes a nasty, gag-inducing goop with a long shelf-life. Tom thinks the defunct Boston rockers Big Dipper said it best in their anti-condiment manifesto, "Lou Gehrig's Disease": "Bring me a sandwich with no mayonnaise."

- Wally calls (starts at 49:56) to say that Tom is a consistent performer. He thinks this is a valuable trait because people know what to expect, and they expect greatness and "relentless negativity" (wait. what?). As for the topic of the day, Wally doesn't get Steve McQueen. He understands the appeal, but he doesn't think McQueen earned it. Wally was apparently very, very close to getting Steve McQueen because he immediately changes his mind and dubs McQueen "The Man" because of his intensity. Tom doesn't trust Wally, so he GOMPs him and chases it with the cackling laugh sound effect. Tom decides the only sound worse than the laugh is the baby noise. He is unable to make sense of the sound labeled "kiss".

- A caller delivers (starts at 52:25) the third and crushing blow to TV on the Radio, and he also doesn't get Christina Aguilera. He thinks she has a great voice, but she's "trying so hard to be black" by hitting 800 notes when only one is required. I wonder if Spike has a cute nickname for Mrs. Aguilera. He likes to use animals, so I could see him trying "Christina Alligator". Anyway, I give her major get-it bonus points for providing one of the best SNL moments of the last decade in this sketch. When she first comes in with that sultray Samantha voice, it's pure magic.

"Sweet Child" is amateur-hour -- this is my preferred GNR karaoke tune

- Christopher from Cranston, Rhode Island, calls (starts at 53:04) with a food-and-music I Don't Get It twofer:

1. The popular lunch combo of soup and half sandwich.

Christopher can't envision a scenario where he would only want to consume half of a sandwich. He can understand ordering a full sandwich and taking half home for later enjoyment, but actually ordering a half seems like a sham. Tom gets Christopher not getting it because come lunchtime, a half won't cut it for The Kid. Christopher says he'd rather omit the soup and go for the full sandwich. They state their position in unison: "Soup and half sandwich, we don't get it!"

2. One-album wonders Guns N' Roses.

Christopher feels the band has somehow managed to build a legendary mystique by coasting on a handful of reasonably good rock tunes from 1987's Appetite for Destruction. He doesn't get why people still cling to the hopes of the big reunion of the original lineup, and if he hears one more karaoke performance of "Sweet Child O' Mine", he will hit the bottle to dull the pain. The bottom line: extremely overrated. Christopher has asked diehard fans to name five good songs from Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II, and they can't do it. Perhaps these people need to go back to rock school.

I've always wanted some current rock 'n roll band that's been victimized by a critical backlash (And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Our Dead Critical Support, maybe?) to go off Axl-stylee in an updated version of "Get In The Ring" from UYI II:

And that goes for all you punks in the press
That want to start s by printin' lies instead of the things we said
That means you, Brooklyn Vegan
Paste magazine
Andy Earles at Magnet
Ryan Schreiber at Pitchdouche
What, you pissed off cuz your grandfather gets more erotic white chocolate than you?
You wanna antagonize me?
Antagonize me, motherf**ker
Get in the nonagon, you dumb cretin
I'm not afraid of you, and I'll slap your bitchy little ass

- Clark calls (starts at 56:30) from colder-as-heck Cincinnati to say he doesn't get the mathematical science known as statistics. He's currently getting killed by his stats course, and he can't think of any real-world applications for standard deviation. Tom can't either. He gives Clark his roundabout educational path: public school ---> military school to correct disciplinary issues ---> vocational school ---> back to public high school ---> one semester at Penn St. (thrown out) ---> Newbridge CC ---> Apex Tech vocational college ---> went to Harvard (non-educational trip to Boston) ---> back to Newbridge CC. Tom only took away three things from all his years of schooling: how to fight, how to type, and how to get one over. Clark mentions that Tom also has a decent vocabulary, but Tom says he acquired it from reading books on his own. Tom didn't pick up any vocab words from reading Silas Marner. Tom's only interest in the novel's stupid ditch was the possibility of climbing into it to escape the assigned reading.

While I've certainly picked up a bon mot or two from modern works like Bret Easton Ellis's American Psycho and Harmony Korine's A Crack Up at the Race Riots, the bulk of my vocabulary was influenced by Hank Fielding's ribald, picaresque novel Joseph Andrews, published in 1742. Tidbit: in this tale, the titular hero was attached by robbers and left wounded in -- you guessed it -- a ditch. Luckily, he was found by some travelers and taken to a local inn. Unlike me, Tom learned everything on the street. Clark can fight and type, so he will tough it out and not let statistics get him. What one man can do, another can find the mean, median, and mode!

- Kendall in Newark calls (starts at 59:36) to say he doesn't get the relationship between Canada and England. He's not sure if they are business partners or siblings. Tom sets him straight: Canada owns 49% of England, and England owns 49% of Canada.


- Paul on Staten Island calls (starts at 1:00) to offer to do scene reports from Hylan Boulevard. Despite his penchant for asking all Staten Islanders if they are on Hylan Boulevard, Tom is not interested in actually talking to someone who calls from said location. Paul vows to test Tom's ironic policy of hanging up people who call from the belly of the isle's beast. Paul doesn't get the Pitchfork Media empire -- their tastes, their rating system, and their kingmaking abilities within the independent rock community. Tom is shocked that Paul doesn't consider Clap Your Hands Say Yeah kings of rock. Paul also doesn't like the new album from elf-rocker Joanna Newsom. Tom had a very brief encounter with the record, which he thought was a promotional EP because it only contains five tracks. He opened the CD player drawer, put the CD in the tray, closed the drawer, hit it, heard the opening vocal of "Emily", opened the drawer, took the CD out of the tray, put it back in the case, and closed the drawer. Tom says the experience evoked DJ Terre T's rallying cry about not fighting in the punk wars to allow the hippified mindset to reign supreme.

Paul is absolutely baffled by Pitchfork's 0 - 10 rating system because they use decimal places. Tom thinks he should check out the Olympic Games for a primer in how judges use the same system. Tom informs Paul that the Olympics occur in the winter, and then in the summer two years later. Tom's not sure if Paul understands the order of numbers, so he tells him to just pull out the decimal point to convert it to a 0 - 100 scale and make it easier to process. Paul gets it now.

Tom asks Paul if he's ever seen any Wu-Tang Clan members around town. He has never seen a Wu member, but he was told they like to hang out at the mall with Spike. Tom thinks he can name all nine members, and he's right: RZA, GZA aka The Genius, Inspectah Deck, Masta Killa, Raekwon The Chef, ODB, U-God, Method Man, and, last but first, Tony Starks aka Pretty Toney aka Dennis Coles aka Ghostface Killah. Tom also throws in Cappadonna and Mathematics for some bonus points. Paul was pretty sure that Tom would forget U-God like everybody does, but Tom's not everybody. He punishes Paul for his lack of faith with a perfectly executed GOMP-bomb. The explosion makes Tom giddy.

- Elite caller Sathingtron laments (starts at 1:06) the demise of open-phone Tuesdays. Tom's tightening of the reigns put a crimp in his freeform style. The closed phones have scared off many listeners because it's no longer just a casual game of pick-up basketball. Tom has created an organized league where callers have to run suicides, complete passing drills, and dribble through a maze of cones before getting on the court. Sathingtron doesn't think these new rules are fair to the disciplined callers. While Tom's been the one dropping bombs all night, Sathingtron drops one of his own: I Don't Get It is not a new topic. He says his first call to the show years ago was for this very topic. Uh oh. Tom paid Mike $220 cash for the right to use this supposedly fresh topic. Mike assured him that he researched every show in the archives before closing the sale. Tom will attack Mike with his cat o' nine tails. Sathingtron is not familiar with this multi-tailed whipping device that originated as an implement for severe physical punishment in the British Royal Navy.

Sathingtron doesn't get the supposed musical genius of Merzbow, the musical moniker for Japanese noisemeister Masami Akita. He had friends with similar music interests try to get him into the Merzbow, but all he heard was 20 minutes of torturous fuzz that makes him want to rip his ears out of his head. Sathingtron is pretty sure that Akita throws on a lot of pedals and sequencers, and lets them record while he leaves to grab a soup and half sandwich. He returns to three full albums to add to his bloated discography. Tom doesn't think this level of output is a trademark of quality. He was recently reading about a guy who writes 10 mystery novels a year. Tom would not read them because the author clearly doesn't care about his work and probably doesn't even read what he's written. Tom suspects he's pumping out these books to avoid eating dinner with his family.

- The Bore calls (starts at 1:10) to say he doesn't get top-shelf vodka. Tom congratulates him for pulling off the seemingly impossible: his cell phone actually got a bit worse since last week. He asks The Bore if he got chased into some kind of hideout where his cell phone slid 10 feet away from him. The Bore laughs at this scenario, but neither confirms nor denies it. Tom doesn't get premium vodka, either. He thinks even the flavored varietals just taste like fire water and burn his mouth. Tom likes to get drunk on a nice cold sodey and his imagination instead of any alcohol. He'll just read Silas Marner and let it take him to a different place. In other beverage news, Coke Bläk's still on the skids, but Tom did find another four-pack collecting dust behind an Orangina display.

- A caller doesn't (starts at 1:12) get HDTV. Tom thinks he's talking crazy talk. While the caller likes the idea of high-def images, he's confused by the four different screen types and the six different resolution grades. When he goes to the store, nobody can tell him anything about the products as they play Ice Age, the high-end television equivalent of those stereo demonstration Steely Dan gold discs.

Tom treated himself to a high-def television, but it only has a 9" screen. The caller thinks this might be suitable for installation in the back of Tom's car. Tom thinks it must be nice to have enough money to own a car. Tom admits that his screen exceeds 9", and he was nearly moved to tears at how clear and beautiful stupid nature shows and extreme snowboarding looked. The caller wonders if a high-definition television could improve Little Miss Sunshine. Tom says no, but the high-def feed of Studio 60 makes him feel like he's hanging out with Matt Albie and Danny Tripp on the soundstage trying to guide a coyote down the grate to find the ferret who was supposed to find the poisonous viper from the video game commercial parody. The caller isn't sure he could handle that, but he is interested in watching 30 Rock in all its high-definition glory. Tom doesn't like 30 Rock. He loves 30 Rock! Tom GOMPs the caller with the ghost sound effect. Tom is not pleased that the sound effect labeled "Oooh" results in a voice clearly saying "Aaah". The ghost is the one saying "Oooh." Tom will file a complaint against the slave that constructed the machine in a Chinese torture factory.

- Nicholas in Jersey City calls (starts at 1:15) to say the show is on fiyah. Tom says The Best Show will attack 2007 like the rampaging Phoenix Suns. Nicholas then offers his own disturbing analogy: The Best Show isn't an Atlantic City show; it's a Las Vegas show. Tom GOMPs him for suggesting that Las Vegas is superior to Atlantic City. Tom says it's unacceptable to put down AC because it's New Jersey's own little piece of Las Vegas. Tom's state pride overpowers the fact that Atlantic City lacks any glamour, terrifies visitors, and feels like Beirut when you exit one of its casinos.

- Paul from New Brunswick checks in (starts at 1:16) to say "hay", so Tom tells him that hay is feed for horses, not an acceptable greeting. Paul cackles at this corrective like Max Cady watching Problem Child in Cape Fear. Tom isn't sure if he should be more mad at Paul for saying "hay" like a common street hooligan or the Deniro impression. Paul gets back in Tom's good graces by referencing his awesome sound effects board, but he quickly shames himself by slurring his description of the famous Grease Trucks. Tom reminds him that The Best Show goes out to the entire world, not just New Brunswick. Tom is especially disappointed because Paul is a broadcaster on WRSU, the clown station of Rutgers University. Paul gets his act together and explains that the Grease Trucks are food vessels that gather in a parking lot to offer monstrous sandwiches all day long. Paul favors the prizewinning "Fat Darrell", an edible parcel containing chicken fingers, Arctic Blast Pop-Tarts, three bacon cheeseburgers, mozzarella sticks, a ham and cheese frittata, french fries, two Belgian waffles, seared foie gras, marinara sauce, and an entire tub of Cool Whip. Tom thinks this kind of menu explains why every kid looks like a snowman. Paul stresses that sandwiches like the "Fat Darrell" should be enjoyed in moderation. Tom thinks the Grease Trucks are providing a valuable service for students to show up drunk at 3:30 a.m., consume 900 g of saturated fat, and then pass out on the street. Paul confirms that this happens.

Paul doesn't get Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer, the new Of Montreal album. OM is one of his favorite bands ever, but he thinks it's bizarre that they are now making less interesting music while garnering more critical and commercial success. Tom hasn't heard the record, but his buddy Fluxblog, the godfather of the .mp3 blogosphere, likes it. Paul checks Fluxblog daily and thinks it's a good site. Tom thinks it's a great site, so he wants Paul to apologize for underrating it. Paul issues his apology to "Matt", so he has to apologize to Tom for calling Matthew "Matt", and then apologize to Matthew for calling him "Matt". Paul is still bringing The Volcano Worshippers Hour on Saturdays at midnight on WRSU. Due to the timeslot, Tom calls Paul the Spike Feresten of RSU. Paul doesn't know who that is.


- Raleigh calls (starts at 1:22) across the Passaic River to announce that he doesn't get what he saw a lot of earlier in the day: dogs wearing sweaters. For starters, the dogs already had full coats of hair. Secondly, it wasn't that cold outside, so Raleigh assumes their owners were trying to make a fashion statement in the highfalutin Summit, NJ., which is where he works. Tom's take is that if a dog has its own fuzzy coat, you only add a layer if it wants to wear one when its super-cold. Raleigh suspects that a dog would chew the sweater off its body if it didn't like it. He says the dogs he saw look embarrassed to be wearing clothes. Tom bought an $11,000 Burberry coat for Dogmo, but she refused to wear it. She will, however, wear shoes. Raleigh says that he's trying to remove hair from his dog because he said, "I'm too hot," while rolling around in the snow to cool off. Tom asks Raleigh if he is the canine communicating serial killer known as "Son of Sam". He says he's just translating the dog's actions into the spoken word.

Raleigh refuses to divulge his place of business, so Tom wants to know his favorite Summit lunch spots. Raleigh likes the Peppercorn Restaurant and the old-school Summit Diner. Tom likes the diner's original marble counters. They both favor the tall guy with the mustache because he's a professional. He's all business -- he gets you your food and doesn't mess around like the show-offy "Weird Al". Sadly, Tom's patronage of the Summit Diner has come to an end due to this call. He can never eat there again because he might run into Raleigh.

butkus.png- A caller didn't get (starts at 1:26) his emotional response to a middle linebacker's appetite for destruction. He went to Dallas to see the The Go-Go's, and the next day, he was watching one of those "football poetry" shows while preparing for his return flight. The violent verse focused on Dick Butkus obliterating offensive players. It got him. As the caller sat on the edge of his bed, he had a tear in his eye. He wept at how good Butkus was at destroying people. Tom knows the feeling well. When he does the show, he feels like a Zeusian god who could shoot lightning out of his fingers. The people chose the name "The Best Show" because of Tom's ability to completely level people with his powers. The caller leaves by saying that he's also a WRSU DJ. Tom says that the RSU DJs are calling The Best Show as a kind of radio fontasy camp. They get to talk to a high-profile DJ on a major-league program. Tom has free reign over his musical selections, whereas they have to play 30% of the new release bin so their program director's head doesn't explode.

- Weirder Jon in Maplewood 07040 calls (starts at 1:29) to say he really likes the ghost sound effect because it makes it seem like the GOMPed callers' spirits are floating into the ether. Tom still doesn't get giving Mike two $100 bills and one $20 bill for a topic that was already used. Tom fears that Mike may have already fled the studio with his fee. Weirder Jon points out that it was so long ago that there is probably some kind of statue of limitations on it. Tom realizes that Mike will avoid prosecution because of this technicality, so he may have to become a Cobra-style vigilante to get proper revenge.

WJ doesn't get people who complaint about how TV is getting worse. Tom declares this the king of I Don't Get Its because TV couldn't be any better than it is right now. WJ invites the grumpy haters to look back 15 years to revisit American Gladiators, and then go back another 15 years for a peek at Hong Kong Phooey. Tom points out that these goons either watch inferior old TV or YouseTube clips of blind couples jumping off their swinging love seat and smashing into their garage.

- Brian from Higgins calls (starts at 1:32) to stick up for the new Of Montreal album. He doesn't like it. He loves it. He thinks mainman Kevin Barnes effectively merges the electro business from the last two albums with incredibly solid songwriting. Brian believes that Barnes is the one of the key musical geniuses of the last 10 years. Brian doesn't get seeing piles of dog excrement when he's out walking his dog. Tom thinks it's unacceptable, gross, and signals the end of society.

You wanted the best geographical band, you got the best geographical band!

- Ted from Bloomfield 07003 calls (starts at 1:34) to say he doesn't get the special nicknames for the Grease Truck sandwiches. He doesn't understand why a hot dog with spinach, goulash, and fries has to be called a "Bad Larry". Ted lays another one on Tom: he doesn't get Sathingtron's detective work that exposed I Don't Get It as a repeat. Ted thinks that, like Trivial Pursuit, many Best Show games have replay value. Tom reveals a little secret about his topic selection. Every topic is just a minor variation on a topic called "COMPLAIN". Ted closes with a touchy subject that may inspire some feuds he's not interested in starting. Ted doesn't get the prevalence of geographic band names. Tom can't think of any bands named after a place on the planet that are not good except Kansas and Chicago. Ted thinks Chicago have their good moments, but Tom thinks they would trip over some considering they released 27 albums.

Tom asks Ted if he ever considered augmenting the Pharmacists with and entire horn section like the Whole Wheat Horns or Tower of Power. Ted thought about it for a few seconds, but decided it would be create logistical problems for touring. He's also considered a full string orchestra, but he didn't have the budget for it. Ted doesn't get why bands feel compelled to perform with a symphony to prove that their stupid rock songs are really complex compositions. Tom wants to do a show with a full orchestra providing the same background music for two straight hours. Ted thinks it would be more interesting if they could improvise according to Tom's mood swings. If a full orchestra isn't feasible, Ted suggests a single keyboardist with an orchestra patch. A live scoring session!

Philly Boy Roy calls to say he don't get Frank Sinatra, but Tom accidentally hangs up on both him and Ted from Bloomfield. Good gravy, what kind of monster is Tom?

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 1:39) CVS drugstores and their sitcoms like Everybody Loves Raymond, Two and Half Men, The King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 1:40) the "tramp stamps", the tattoos that young ladies get on their lower backs. Jason probably calls these "arse antlers". The caller thinks this is a very shortsighted body art decision because 20 years from now, the young ladies will have to explain the once-trendy ink above their pant line to their inquisitive children. Tom thinks the world will be so weird in 20 years that lower-back tattoos will be a relatively wholesome non-issue.

- A caller wants to know (starts at 1:42) what's up with the Swiss cheese with all the holes. He gets Swiss chocolate and the Swiss Alps, but he doesn't know what ties the cheese to Switzerland. Tom GOMPs him for doing a Jerry Seinfeld routine from 1988. The Best Show is not a forum for aspiring stand-up comedians.

- Shane from Rutherford doesn't get (starts at 1:42) people who treat Dunkin' Donuts like it's a gourmet coffee shop. He stops on his way to work for a regular coffee, but he's driven insane by people ordering double caramel lattes with two Equal packets. He wants people to just get the coffee and get out of the way. I found it interesting that less than a minute after Tom announced that the show was not an open mic for stand-ups, Shane performed a 10-year-old Denis Leary routine. I thought he was going to yell about how he just wants "coffee-flavored coffee". Tom recommends avoiding the DD "poison", but Shane doesn't like going to 7-11 because they require self-service for cream and sugar. Tom GOMPs him for laziness.

Winning: Philly Boy Roy crouches down on the right side of the stage at Live Aid

- Philly Boy Roy calls back (starts at 1:43) to repeat that he doesn't get Paterson, N.J. native Frank Sinatra and adds another Jersey-born music legend to his list: Bruce Springsteen. Tom apologizes for his previous hang-up, which PBR found "pretty insultin'." PBR can hang up on Tom, but Tom can't hang up on him because he's Tom's superior. Tom was unware of his inferior status, so PBR tells him to ask Mike to confirm the power structure. Mike says that's what PBR told him. Tom points out that just telling someone that he's Tom's superior doesn't mean it's actually true. Now PBR is mad at Mike for not saying "yeah" first.

PBR is doing pretty good, but it's getting cold in Philadelphia. He doesn't like the changing of the seasons and wishes it could be spring all the time. He says he don't care about no "global warnings". Tom says it's "global warming", but PBR doesn't know what that is. Tom tells him people are worried about the planet getting warm-er, so they are concerned about the concept of global warm-ing. PBR doesn't like his tone. He thinks Tom sounds like Mrs. Mazinskis, his third-grade teacher. She was always saying, "Roy, get your hands off that thing!" Tom doesn't want to know any further details about her directive. PBR says Tom can't talk to him like that because he's a "humanitarium" -- someone who does good stuff for bad people. PBR says that sick people fall into this category. Tom doesn't think sick people are bad people, but the ones PBR has encountered have been bad. PBR knew a guy who got bit by karma after he whipped some cats. People who were outraged by the animal cruelty chased him, and he broke his leg while trying to elude the angry mob. He was bad, so a benefit was held because he couldn't afford no cast. He whipped the cats because he thought it was fun; PBR did not approve of the act. He wants to help these kinds of bad people.

His newfound interest in humanitarium efforts was inspired by reminiscing about how much fun he had at the 1985 Live Aid show at JFK Stadium. PBR believes this concert, held right in his back yard, was one of the greatest moments of our lives. Tom is surprised he was able to get in because it was a pretty hard ticket. This wasn't a problem for PBR because he snuck in with his buddy, Carl, just as George Thorogood was starting "Bad To The Bone". They entered the stadium through some grates and ended up watching Led Zeppelin from the side of the stage. PBR threw a soft pretzel at Phil Collins when he screwed up a drum part during "Rock and Roll". PBR says getting backstage was another story. Carl was fearless, so he was in charge of getting past the security guard. He told the guy that he and PBR were winners of a WMMR air guitar contest that granted them the chance to jam with Black Sabbath. The guard didn't believe it at all, so Carl lit an M-80 and tossed it to the right of the security guard. It kinda blew his ear off, allowing PBR and Carl to run past him when he hit the deck amidst the explosion. PBR believes Carl's actions are an example of Philly-style quick thinking. He believes that George Washington would have done the same thing, although he's not sure if they had backstage stuff back in his days. PBR wonders if there was any security at Beethoven shows. Tom cannot answer this question for the ages.

Once they were backstage, Carl had a great idea to wrap themselves in brown tablecloths to make it seem like they belonged with the musicians. If anyone asked them who they were, they'd say they were playing the congo drums with Santana's band. They were hopeful that the tablecloths would look like the togo-like garb worn by authentic Mexican and Spanish people. Tom finds this extremely offensive. PBR can't believe he doesn't like Santana, and he sings a bit of "Winning" from 1981's Zebop!. Tom says he doesn't like any era of the band, and PBR wants to know whyyyyyyyyyyyywheeeere Tom doesn't like them. Tom doesn't like the band on his stereo or on his television. Carl's plan to pretend to be ethnic totally worked. They blended into the background of the stage and contributed vocals to the big "We Are The World" finale. You can see PBR and Carl on the Live Aid DVD box set. PBR asks Tom if he remembers that Bob Dylban went on right before the finale. Tom's never heard of a man named Bob Dylban, so PBR wants someone to take Tom's radio show away from him. PBR does a brief laugh, but withholds the full-on witch cackle because he doesn't want to give Tom the energy he wants.

The legend is that Dylban, who was joined by Keith Richards and Ronald Wood, was so bad because he couldn't hear himself over all the people clamoring behind the curtain for "We Are The World". PBR says the main reason he couldn't hear was because he and Carl were making fart noises into one of the microphones. PBR thought it was hilarious. He says the farts are audible on the DVD, as are his shouts for Dylban to play "Wigwam" from Self Porchlight, which he thinks is probably his best record. Tom thinks there are eight things wrong with what PBR just said. PBR wants to hear the list. Tom says that he must have known that Dylban would never play the instrumental "Wigwam". PBR says that Average White Band played all kinds of instrumentals, but Tom points out that they were not the poets of their generation. PBR thinks they kinda were. Tom disagrees. PBR says that "Wigwam" was a special song from his childhood because his mother played that track -- and the rest of Self Porchlight -- when he was a toddler.

PBR also yelled for Dylban, Keith, and Ronald to play "Start Me Up" to boost the mood after the totally boring "The Times They Are A-Changin'". They did not grant the request. The night ended with PBR and Carl partying with Bruce Hall, the bass player for REO Speedwagon. They took him and Martha Quinn all over Philadelphia in Carl's Plymouth Duster. Hall was eventually abandoned for reasons that PBR cannot recall. While these are pleasant memories, PBR reveals that poor Carl was the guy who smoked dust and tried to slow dance with that lion at the Philadelphia Zoo in 1988. His mauling appeared on the Faces of Death series. PBR thinks his death is kinda sad, but at least he went out partying.

PBR wants to help bad people by putting on a rock show, but nobody wants to work with him after the match fight fire at the Ritz 5 back in December. He suspects that PFT ruined his reputation by talking smack about him in Hollywood. I assume that people in the city also still recall PBR's promotion for the disastrous 1993 G.G. Allin and The Murder Junkies show at Geno's. Since he can't book any shows, PBR came up with a better idea to raise money: nem walkathons where people pledge money for every mile youse go. However, instead of walking, PBR will do "The Bristol Stomp" around the perimeter of Philadelphia. Tom's a Philadummy, so he thinks it's just a song by The Dovells, but PBR tells him that it's also the most famous dance of all-time. Tom thinks The Hustle might be more famous, but PBR has never heard of it. PBR and Tom harmonize a bit of "The Bristol Stomp". PBR thought the dance would be simple like The Pancake, The Matchstick, or The Swiss Army Knife, but Roy, Jr. told him he was doing it all wrong. Roy, Jr. learned the elaborate dance in gym class, so he showed PBR all 172 steps. It takes 38 minutes to perform one rotation of The Bristol Stomp. PBR compares the moves to the dancing in that movie about the composer Mozzert -- a lot of bowing, deep knee bends, and twirling, but with slamdance elements.

PBR thinks the finished dance will be great, and they've almost finished building the doorway. PBR says a full-size oak doorway that's painted gold is required for the section of the song that goes "It's got that groovy beat / That makes you stomp your feet / Come along and try / Gonna feel fine". When The Dovells hit the word "fine", the dancer must knock on the door and go through it backwards. While crossing the threshold, the dancer has to hop on one leg while pretending to serve a tea party to nine people. Once the service is complete, the dancer than portrays each of the nine people receiving their tea. PBR says that in another section of the dance, you have to slap yourself in the face 24 times. Hard. Roy, Jr. said they do this at school. PBR will be carrying the door around the perimeter of the city, and he's trying to hire the Mini-Dovells, a midget tribute band. He can't afford the original band. PBR saw the Minis play at O'Malleys a couple times, and he thought they were better than the even-smaller Micro-Dovells. The Micro-Dovells do a stripped-down version of the signature song called "The Bristol Tamp". Tom decides he never wants to go back to Philadelphia.

PBR is negotiating a deal for Tastykakes to donate a carton of Krimpets, Kandy Kakes, and Coconut Cream pies to the hungry people for every mile he dances. Tom thinks this is junk food, but PBR thinks it's the food of life because it contains eggs and bleached flour. He hopes that it will give the poor people the energy to go out and find jobs. PBR thinks it sounds perfect, but Tom thinks it sound ridiculous. PBR is thinking about finishing his charitable stomping at Pets "R" Me, his new pet store located in Yeadon, just outside Philadelphia. He inherited it from his uncle, Manyunk Mel Zielger, who passed on last week. He passed on to jail from the halfway house he was living in. Mel was stealing people's wallets, but he'd throw away the money and credit cards. He just loved wallets. PBR says they found his stash underneath his bed in a vanilla envelope. Tom doesn't bother correcting him, but he does call PBR "so dumb". PBR says he might not want to talk to Tom anymore because of the remark, but he plows ahead because he has to tell him about the world's first free-range pet store.

All of the animals, including some chickens, can roam free in a no-frills Quonset hut. Within this corrugated metal shelter, the dogs are running around with ferrets, and the fish are swimming with the mice. PBR says the store is smellier and louder than he thought it would be. Tom asks him if its dangerous to have all these different animals mingling together. PBR asks for a definition of "dangerous". Tom asks him if the animals fight. They do. Tom asks him if the fights are horrible. PBR doesn't require a definition. The answer is yes. PBR wants Tom to guess who came up with the idea of a free-range pet store. Tom correctly guesses Roy, Jr. He told PBR that not only could it bring in big bucks, but a lot of people would be into the humanitarium aspect of not keeping the animals in cages. Tom asks PBR if dogs are allowed to roam next to snakes. PBR says it did happen, and they both died. The one snag in the free-range business model is that the animals can still harm each other.

PBR is trying to get The Gorillaz to play the Pets "R" Me grand re-opening. Tom thought he was referring to the animals, but PBR was talking about the cartoon band featuring Damion Album from The Blur. Tom informs PBR that the man in question is Damon Albarn, but PBR calls him an "Anglodummy" for his lack of knowledge of British rock. PBR is hoping that PFT doesn't get to Album before he asks him to do the gig. PBR also doesn't want Tom to tell PFT about the hybrids he's working on. PBR is trying to cross breed a snake with a Puma. Tom doesn't think that's possible, but PBR thinks the snake could just crawl into the sneaker. Based on his weird attempts at reptile-shoe mating, Tom asks PBR if he's Dr. Moreau. PBR is stumped: "Who's she?". Tom tells him that it's the male title character from The Island of Dr. Moreau (or the Brando laffer, if you prefer), a science-fiction film set in Philadelphia. As PBR tries to write down the title of the film (he thought Tom was calling him a moron), he looks out the window and sees someone waving a flashlight in front of the pet store. It's Officer Harrups. Roy, Jr. goes outside and tells Harrups to get lost. He shoots Officer Harrups in the ankle and then starts waving the gun at his father. PBR has to go. Tom thought the Freaky Friday-style switcheroo would be the weirdest PBR story, but that seems normal by comparison.

- Tom doesn't get (starts at 2:32) the WFAN host (Benigno??) he heard complaining about how the Super Bowl hype is all about Prince's halftime show and Jim Gaffigan's beard combover. He apparently just realized in 2007 that the Super Bowl is about more than just the gridiron action.

- A caller says (starts 2:33) the show is hitting him right tonight, unlike the various artificial sweeteners. He thinks food manufacturers should either use real sugar or just go away. He's also no humanitarium when it comes to fat people -- he thinks they should simply forgo any sweeteners. Tom explains that some people don't want to consume the unhealthy sugar, but they enjoy the taste of sweet because it's programmed into the human tongue. The caller doesn't understand why they just can't resist sweet snacks because he only likes salty foods. Tom GOMPs him and turns him into a ghost for being weird. Tom likes salt and sweet because that's the way God makes you.

"Yeah, that's pretty bad." -- Hilly Kristal on the state of the Barnes & Noble bathrooms

- Tom discusses (starts at 2:35) his pre-show trip to Barnes & Noble. It always makes him happy to see all the nice books and coffee, but the idyllic atmosphere was ruined when Tom entered the men's room to comb his hair, as he's wont to do. All of a sudden, he felt like he was in a train station because it was the filthiest bathroom ever. He can't imagine how this pocket of filth could go undetected in the otherwise clean and pleasant Barnes & Noble experience. Tom suggests that a manager forgot to assign the job of "clean the bathroom" to one of the staffers. The encounter inspires the next segment: filthy bathrooms in public places. Tom doesn't want any gross descriptions. You call, name the place, and get out. The segment is quickly killed by a guy who wanted to talk about the lack of stall doors at the Los Angeles Public Library bathrooms.

- Tom mentions (starts at 2:37) that he was reading online about Al Franken leaving the total flop, disgrace, and calamity that is Air America, purveyor of unbelievably bad, so-called liberal programming. Tom thinks Good Guy Sam Seder, who got his start on The Best Show, is the long bright spot in Air America's lineup. Tom points out that Air America actually discouraged people from voting against Bush in 2004. In the 2006 mid-term elections, Tom is certain that the sheer power of The Best Show propelled the Democrats to victory. If a pie chart was constructed to assign credit for the results, The Best Show would get a 35% slice.

- Jack in Bloomfield is shocked (starts at 2:39) that Tom doesn't like Springer on the Radio. Even though the topic was aborted, Jack slips in a vote for the Staten Island Ferry bathroom. A different Jack in Bloomfield tried to follow this up with another bathroom, but Tom was done.

- Wally calls (starts at 2:40) to say he doesn't get the white sneakers and jeans ensemble. Wally thinks white sneakers are only suitable for sports. Tom notes that even the mighty Seinfeld can't pull off this look.

- Tom takes a sensible snack break (starts at 2:42) to reward himself for blowing out January with a clean sweep of 5 "W"s. Tom tears open a 100-calorie pack of the decadent Oreo Thin Crisps, which he discovered from the vending machine at Consolidated Cardboard. Mike joins him to examine these crisps. Unlike a standard Oreo sandwich cookie, the Thin Crisp is just a slender top with some droplets of sugarings. Tom drops a Thin Crisp on the table, and it sounds like a poker chip. The packaging is not clear because nobody would buy something that vaguely resembles the top of Oreos. Mike dubs the Thin Crisp a chocolate Cheez-It®. Tom thinks America should be ashamed of themselves for eating a flavorless black cracker just because it's named after a viable cookie. A better snacking alternative: fruit.

- A caller mumbles (starts at 2:45) something about the Scottish shortbread style of Lorna Doone cookies. He thinks these are substantial cookies. Tom didn't think heroin addicts had much of an appetite. He GOMPs him because The Best Show does not glorify drug use.

- Tom rolls out (starts at 2:46) the red carpet for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Me wants to know if Tom has tooken any questions about global warnings. Me thinks that it might be an interesting issue to explore on the program. Tom thinks it might be interesting, but it also might not be interesting. Per Tom's request, me reveals his veritable feast of a dinner: portobello mushroom, spinach, crab meat, and whole wheat crackers with almond butter. Tom agrees to put global warnings on the board as a potential topic.

- Justin from California calls (starts at 2:47) during his first time listening to the show. Tom wanted to talk about movie star sightings, but Justin wanted to talk about his residence in Garden Grove. Tom GOMPs him for being boring.

- Tom tries (starts at 2:49) to close out the month with a rare eight minutes of open-phone Tuesday, but not before doing micro-riff on the mom in The Olive Garden commerical. The mom is searching for her "date", who turns out to be her son, who can't tie his own shoes. Whole lotta bad.

- Efraim from New Jersey calls (starts at 2:50) to say he doesn't get the zombie fetish that yields so many zombie-based horror films and even zombie-based pornography. Tom gets it: people are fascinated with the dead. He tells Efraim that there's a tenuous line between life and death. Now Efraim gets it: we live the dash between the dates on our tombstone. Efraim asks Tom if he was a fan of Bob Grant because he detects some Grant in his voice. Tom's never heard of him. He GOMPs Efraim for accusing him of ripping off another radio personality.

- Tommy calls (starts at 2:52) to say that despite loving everything New Jersey, he doesn't get New Jersey gweedows. Tom is unfamiliar with the concept, and he thinks it might be a food. Tommy explains that it's a male who gels his hair, has earrings in both ears, and wears half-buttoned pink shirts with upright collars. Tommy says the gweedow phenomenon is taking over America, especially in The Bronx, where he goes to school. He estimates that 50% of his classmates are gweedows. Tom will look into it. Tom thinks it might be time for Tommy to give up the stunted nickname and move to the more mature Tom. He recommends easing into a four-year transition with a 70/30 Tommy/Tom split that swaps out another 10% until complete.

- A caller informs (starts at 2:54) Tom that someone is impersonating him in the FOT Chat. It's the caller. Tom's used to people wanting to get a taste of what it's like to be him.

- A caller doesn't get (starts at 2:54) the gift basket business. He thinks that anyone who participates in the weird phenomenon of assembling gifts in a basket should be put to death. Tom thinks that's a fair judgment.

- James from Redding, PA., calls (starts at 2:55) to promote the new The Naked Brothers Band television series. Tom thinks the show, which revolves around a kid rock band, sounds like fun. James says TNBB's songs rock, and Tom can't wait to play some of them on the air.

- Mike calls (starts at 2:56) from a lodging for gentlemen to announce that he likes whiskey. That's it. Tom closes the phones to prevent a "W" from turning into an "L".

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Chris L reviews the best Super Bowl commercials, my aunt Linda calls with her review of TV on the Radio, and Tom rolls into month #2 of the 2007 Reign of Assault on your sensibilities and earns The W.

Reminder: You can't Top The Best Show. You can't Stop The Best Show. Your only option is to be a little bit worse than The Best Show. YOU can't be Tom; Tom will be YOU:

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