Recapianakis: Live at the Denim-Clad Dad.
"Gotta do it even though you don't want to. You gotta do things you don't wanna do sometimes. Sure I'd rather be home watching House, but I gotta do the show!" -- Tom, psyching himself up to bring it
"Really? You're just gettin' around to coffee now. Anything else you may wanna to try? Vegetables? Any other new experiences? -- Tom on Bonnie's recent cottoning to coffee
"I actually owe that kid a thanks! That kid gave me 90 minutes of my life back to do with it what I will." -- Tom, appreciating the rude movie talker who spared him the horrors of Smokin' Aces
"I feel like I'm talking to Matlock all of a sudden." -- Tom on the old-timey, southern phrases of Henry Owings
"I'm hooked on it. I click on his banner ads. I do what he tells me. I bought a porkpie hat so I can look like him." -- Tom on his addiction to the Drudge Report
"This guy was sharp as a marble." -- Brian from Wisconsin on the intelligence of a time-management guru
"The guy needs a watch. 10 seconds?" -- Tom on Stevie Blue exceeding his alloted time for "Chocolate Covered Hearts"
"Put him behind the counter at Friendly's, he'll be begging to sit in the photography class. " -- Tom, calling for a distressed art school student to stop being soft-serve
"It's like leave that half-baked new wave reggae back in the early 70s where it belongs, you know?" -- Linus on the ill-advised reunion of The Police
"Because I’m an award-winning blogger, you fumduck." -- Linus, explaining why Tom can't exude a 'tude when talking to him
"Geez, has a radio show, doesn't know about The Buttless Chaps. Good stuff there, WFMU!" -- Linus on the shallow depth of Tom's musical knowledge
"You know what? You haven’t made a decent movie since ... well, ever." -- Linus, slamming Sylvester Stallone at an L.A. gas station
"That’s what goes with knowing a blogger and loving a blogger and having loved a blogger." -- Linus, justifying his posts about the personal life of his ex-girlfriend
"Well, he stopped smoking, but when he was a smoker, he was so funny -- Zach Galifianakis on Barack Obama's nicotine-feuled stand-up
"Hey, that's a pretty good fat suit." -- Zach, finding a silver lining in Norbit's costume design
"Matt Walsh is one of the worst human beings I’ve ever met in my life." -- Zach on his Dog Bites Man co-star
"Do people make scarves?" -- Zach, asking Tom about a potential new career
"Is that the Mario Cantone story?" -- Zach, wondering about the subject of The Queen
"Do you have a sidekick named 'Booger Stash' or anything like that?" -- Zach, inquiring about the on-air talent for WUSC's "The Fishbowl"
"Hey, the audience was overweight at a comedy show? What?" -- Tom, expressing shock about the girth of the crowd at the L.A. CoC stop
"You can call me David, if you want to. It's alright." -- Erika, granting Zach permission to call her by a man's name
"I would actually talk to him for about 35 minutes." -- Tom, informing Zach that he'd normally indulge a Blue Willie call
"Zach, how did you get so good at being interviewed?" -- Paul F. Tompkins, trying to find out Zach's secret
"You were Studio 60 before Studio 60." -- Tom on Zach's seminal "Sneaky Jesus" sketch on Late World
Fu Manchu - "Didn't Really Try"
( Click here to buy We Must Obey)
The Royal Purple - "I Tried To Make You Happy"
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Juliana Hatfield - "Raisins" (Dinosaur Jr cover)
( Click here to buy the Forever Baby EP)
Holly Golightly - "Time Will Tell" (Kinks cover)
( Click here to buy Truly She Is None Other)
( Click here to buy Under The Big Black Sun)
Raekwon - "Sneakers"
( Click ere to buy Immobilarity)
Big Star - "Back of a Car"
( Click here to buy #1 Record/Radio City)
Bee Gees - "Every Christian Lion Hearted Man Will Show You" (STEREO version)
( Click here to buy Rhino's Limited Edition cardboard sleeves)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Awwww, yes. Here it comes again. On a putatively snowy evening in Jersey City, it's the Tom Scharpthing tribute to W.C. Fields and Ronald James Dio! No open phones this week because Tom revoked all privileges. Tom came in every week and did his job, but the callers couldn't uphold their end of the bargain. He sent everyone to the corner for an infinite "time-out". Tom notes that his opening set spin of Black Sabbath's "Neon Knights" is as close as he'll get to RJD because he doesn't run a metal program. He is not Edward Trunk, and he has no plans to conduct an interview with Bill Ward. Tom can't make everybody happy. In fact, he can't make anybody happy. He can only try to make himself happy. Tom zigs, and people wonder why he didn't zag. When he zags, people long for his zigging ways. Case in point: the kids on the Comedy Zone web board who whined about his "Pitchfork playlist". Tom did play a track by the Pitchfork-approved band Deerhoof, but he followed it with a track from the mid-1960s L.A. garage rockers The Seeds. He doubts they have much traction in the offices of the Chicago tastemakers.
Tom continues to spend his time away from CC working on his part-time job: Myspace maintenance. He doesn't recall signing up for the 20 hours required to sift through his new friend requests every week. Tom's overwhelmed at the steady flow of bad bands that have emerged in the Internet age. He prefers the days when there were only three channels and four giant record labels. When sites like Myspace leveled the playing field, the people eventually accrued too much power in the marketplace. Tom longs for the days when bands were vetted by professionals like Casablanca Records co-founder Neil Bogart. While many have declared this paradigm shift a victory, Tom declares it an "L". Now he has to filter out the riff-raff on his own. As Tom pours over thousands of Myspace pages, he's inundated by the shameful sleaze ads Myspace runs from the True escort/dating service. He can't escape being surrounded by increasingly ubiquitous pornography, even during supposed family-fare like the Super Bowl. Tom was forced to cover his nephew's eyes so he wouldn't see the hopped-up dirty old men cavorting around in the Flomax commercial. Tom fears that law enforcement is trying to lure him into a trap via Myspace, so he asks a band if they are actually a police officer before he adds them.
- Bonnie from Georgia calls (starts at 26:53) to discuss the perils of winter weather in the South and provide a scene report on Tom's new favorite drink. Tom recalls going down to Georgia one January during a rare ice storm. Bonnie says that people are still talking about this very ice storm. As Tom attempted to leave Atlanta, he had to deal with petrified drivers poorly navigating the unplowed roads -- every half mile was dotted with someone who had turfed out into the abutment. Bonnie recalls assisting senior citizens deal with the ice and sleet one winter because this kind of weather is scary and unrecognizable to local residents. Tom tells Bonnie that the Georgia guy who runs the Chunkolate Covered Hearts fanzine called the show last week. She knows about his publication, but she's never actually seen any of the Green Stamps he was talking about. Tom says that Henry lived in Cabbagetown, where one can apparently still redeem a book of Green Stamps for a new hi-fi system. Tom cackles about Mr. Owing's neighborhood, but he admits that he doesn't even know what it is. Bonnie is also unable to explain the mysteries of Cabbagetown, the southern equivalent of Western Maine.
Tom commends Bonnie for having the guts to call pre-topic, and she feels like she has something important to offer. Bonnie went to Wal-Mart last week to buy a pack of blank CDs. She discovered that she had $4 left and then something caught her eye: a really dusty four-pack of Coke Blãk. Bonnie spent her last bit of cash on the fledgling beverage, and she thought it was delicious. Tom wants to know if the street buzz in Atlanta, the home of Coca-Cola, is that Coke Blãk was a rare flop for the corporation, but Bonnie says that most of her friends haven't even heard of it. Tom and Bonnie don't understand why more people aren't enthused about this carbonated fusion energy drink. Its delicate mix of coffee and soda actually inspired Bonnie to finally get into standalone coffee two weeks ago. Tom wonders if vegetables or sandals are some of the exciting new experiences Bonnie has planned. She says she plans to move to vegetables in the next year or so. Bonnie will slowly explore these uncharted waters one step at a time.
Tom asks Bonnie if she grew up in Georgia, or, as the natives call it, "N'awlins". She says she spent five years in Tennessee, and the rest of her time on this big rock of ours in Georgia. She thinks it's pretty good, but plans to flee to California after college. Bonnie says she felt a strong connection to the beauty of the state when she visited San Francisco last summer. Then again, Bonnie says she might just stay in Georgia until she’s 85 and retired, and then head west. Tom urges her not to give up on her dream, and Bonnie promises to keep it alive.
Joe Carnahan rounds up the usual jerks for his subtle new art film
- Tom fleshes out (starts at 34:00) the story of his aborted attempt to view Smokin’ Aces, which he mentioned briefly last week during his chat with Officer Tom. He somehow managed to secure (StubHub??) an $11 ticket to see a 5 p.m. Friday screening of this star-studded jerk convention. Tom sat down and immediately heard some kids behind him talking during the trailers. He sensed that these were not the kind of people who could get it all out of their system and then zip it for the feature, and he was right. They continued with their "blah, blah, blah" when the movie started. Tom granted them a cool-down period before issuing a loud "Shhhh" sound. The passive request did not register, so Tom yelled, "Will you shut up, please!” The talkers responded with a noise indicating that Tom was overly aggressive with his firm-yet-polite plea to get them to stop talking during a movie people paid to see. The chatter started again, so Tom grabbed his coat and left the theater. He was mad because he just wanted to watch a movie in peace. However, a half hour later, Tom gained a new perspective on the event. He realized that the 20 minutes of Smokin' Aces he did see were terrible, and the kid should be thanked for giving him 90 minutes to do something else with his life. Since the theater owner refunded Tom's $11, the rude-but-effective time-management counseling was free of charge.
Tom runs through the jerks that comprise the most unpleasant cast ever: Ben Affleck (ft. weird facial hair and voice), Ryan Reynolds, Jeremy Piven, Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, and Peter Berg, writer/director of the horrific "black comedy" Very Bad Things and one of the biggest jerks of all-time. Tom notes that the ensemble was rounded out with character-actor jerks. He does not put Alicia Keys in the jerk bin, and I'd also give Jason Batemen a reprieve (Tom didn't mention him). I would throw two more cast members in the jerk pit: Common (for appearing with fellow Chicagoan Jeremy Piven in a recent SNL sketch -- jerk by association) and Martin Henderson. In addition to giving Tom 90 minutes back, the young person who doesn't know how to see a movie in public and thinks he's at home talking to his television set triggered tonight's topic: Gimme That Time Back! Tom casts a wide net for potential entries: wasting a mere 10 minutes on some trifle, attending a show that made it feel like your life was rotting in front of your eyes and ears, or enduring a dreadful long-term relationship.
- Henry from Krinklet calls (starts at 40:21) to clarify that while he wishes he was from Cabbagetown, he actually lived in nearby Grant Park. Tom highlights the importance of having something to aspire towards, such as winning a grammy for Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package. Henry called last week to discuss his nomination in that category for his work on the Cigar Box Jamboree. Tom takes the opportunity to congratulate him for defeating the Rhino juggernaut and wants to know where he's keeping the grammy now. At this point, Henry suspects that Tom may be confused about the identity of the caller. Tom says he thought he was talking to the guy who designed the grammy-winning Stadium Arcadium package. Henry reveals the bad news: he lost the award to Flea and his merry group of naked dudes with socks on. Tom jokingly suggests it was a cool cover, but he actually believes it's one of the ugliest things he's ever seen. He compares it to the art on a bad live album that's released after a band breaks up. Henry says that those in the graphic design business called it “The Mac Attack”.
Tom tells Henry to own up to craving the grammy because there's no shame in wanting to win. Tom comes here to win every week. Henry assures Tom that he didn't spend $2,000 on a trip to L.A. to lose. Tom wants Henry to channel his anger into the next cigar box he designs. Henry was so upset about losing to such a bush-league product that he yelled "b s" from the back of the auditorium when the winner was announced. Tom thinks this sounds like sour grapes, and he doesn't approve of Henry foulmouthing all over the RHCP's moment of triumph. Despite his turlet mouth in the heat of the moment, Henry agrees with Tom that it's an honor to be nominated. While Henry will not be able to use the grammy as a doorstop, Tom points out that he can now slide the nomination certificate into his door to alert him to someone opening it. Henry thinks Tom is reaffirming his status as a lonely man, but Tom says that Henry can bond with the other losers. The poor guy who won is all alone. Henry says that the real bee in his bonnet is the fact that the RHCP got credited as the art directors. He finds it inherently absurd that Flea won a grammy for art design. Tom's horrified.
Henry recaps the festivities, starting with the footnote grammy ceremony that included his category. These awards were doled out in a darkened auditorium with enough folding chairs to seat about 4,000 people. Henry says that unlike the Grammy show proper, they just blast through 100 categories like a power train. He saw Peter Frampton and Tony Bennett accept awards. When Bennett won another award later that night, Henry was shocked and horrified to hear him thank Target, his corporate sponsor. This reminds Tom to thank Mennen for their loyal support of The Best Show. Henry made his way to the big show by walking the red carpet with one of the nominated bands. He tried to absorb as much of the surreal experience as he could because he doubts he'll ever get another chance. The attendees were then herded into the big room at the Staples Center. Henry was not pleased that concessions were cut off once the show went live. He had to settle for drinks from the water fountain during breaks. Henry says that everyone was trapped inside, but Tom thinks he would have been able to get in and out. He wouldn’t stand for that because he's not a hostage. Tom would come and go as he pleased, and if the security personnel didn't like it, he’d knock their teeth out. If Philly Boy Roy and Carl could get backstage at Live Aid, I'm sure The Kid could sneak out for refreshments at the Grammys. For example, he could have put on a pilot's hat and some aviators and said he needed to get a Harlem Shuffle for Cee-Lo.
Henry thought the show started strong with a great performance by The Police. He was particularly pleased to get a chance to watch Stewart Copeland's drumming. While Gnarls Barkley isn't really his thing, he thought their performance was outstanding. Tom thinks Henry is expressing his general displeasure with Gnarls Barkley using "Georgia code". Henry says he used to buy records from Brian Burton (you probably know him as Danger Mouse), and he wishes him all the success in the world. Tom follows what he's saying: he doesn't like "them". He tells Henry that people get along in the northeast. Tom enjoyed the Eagles tribute performed by Rascal Flatts, especially frontman Gary LeVox's cool look: circa-1987 Larry Bird + a leather jacket = ready for a night on the town in Boston. Tom also thought he had a great voice. He can’t believe the music industry is struggling with the talent on display at the Grammys. Henry's low points were James Blunt and Christina Aguilera squealing James Brown songs in her "tribute" to the departed legend. Henry also liked a hip-hop guy who wore a red-hooded sweatshirt. Tom identifies the artist as MC Sweatshirtz, who is sponsored by Target and American Apparel. Tom is not interested in a corporate relationship with Target or the porno clothier. He only gives thanks to Mennen because they safely transported him and Mike the Associate Producer to the studio tonight and provide a lifetime supply of Mach IV razors.
Henry says he would probably thank Diet Pepsi or BC Powder, the Memphis-based over-the-counter analgesic pain reliever consisting of crushed-up aspirin and caffeine. Henry thinks it's one of the greatest advents of southern living -- you do a few rails and your headache is gone in 30 seconds. Tom says that New Jersey headache powder is condensed into tablet form. Henry prefers the old-timey medicine because you don't have to wait for anything to dissolve. Tom's intrigued by the possibility of fast-acting relief, and Henry promises to send him a package of the Joja marching powder. He hasn’t met many people who haven't quickly cottoned to its powers. He says his sister in Pennsylvania loves the stuff. Due to Henry's use of "cotton", Tom thinks he's suddenly speaking to Colonel Sanders or fictional attorney Ben Matlock. Henry doesn't appreciate getting harshed on for correctly using his regional vocabulary. Tom tells him that he knows he will be teased if he calls the program. Henry says he's become a laughingstock for getting GOMPed last week.
Tom wants to know Henry's top three celebrity sightings during his time at the Grammys. Henry says he saw Richard Lewis and the RHCP at the Warner Brothers after-party. Tom can't believe he's leading off a Top 3 list with Richard Lewis, but Henry yells that he's just listing famous people without regard to stature. Henry adds Puff Daddy to the list, and Tom accepts him as a legit top star. Henry says the person that everyone craned their neck to see was Al Gore. When Gore hit the party, an odd hush went over the room. Henry says it was a singular experience to be mingling with top celebrities who all turn around to see Gore. Tom’s met the man. Gore immediately went into the V.I.P. area, which was protected by a wall of big, muscular dudes named Moose, Spud, Tank, Rocky, and Stone. Brent Hinds, the lead guitarist for Gramminated Georgians Mastodon, got into the V.I.P. room since his band is signed to Warner Brothers. Henry will always remember the vision of Brent, who looks like a borderline gutter punk, trying to shake the hand of the clean-cut former Vice-President. Henry doubts that the party animal metal dude would have much to share with the environmental crusader. Tom just noticed that Matt Drudge is posting up a storm about how inclement weather is causing cancellation for various Al Gore events, suggesting that the presence of snow is evidence against global warming. Tom informs Drudge that it's supposed to be snowing because it's February. Tom doesn't know why he keeps visiting this man's site. He's so hooked on it that he clicks on the banner ads. He even bought a porkpie hat from the Drudge hat shop so he can look like him.
Henry has traveled quite a bit with Zach Galifianakis, tonight's special guest, and he says that he's never toured or traveled with a more sweet, thoughtful human being. Tom gets Henry to admit that he owes Zach $4,200. Henry thinks this endorsement is worth at least $300, enough to cover interest for the next month. Tom will get Zach to put a price tag on the plug. Tom congratulates Henry for getting gramminated, and Henry puts his loss in perspective by nothing that Nirvana lost Best New Artist to Milli Vanilli. Tom doesn't get his point. Henry doesn’t want to raise Tom’s dander, but he finds something odd about lip-syncers beating a band that writes and plays its own music. Tom's not sure which band was which, and he GOMPs Henry for the second week in a row.
The distinction is ultimately irrelevant because Henry dispensed false information. Manila Vanilla won Best New Artist in 1990. This was obviously pre-Nevermind, and NARAS certainly wasn't hip to Bleach. Punk didn't break until 1991! MV's Grammy was revoked after the scandal and given to Trixter, who I think are without question one of the 10 best bands to ever come out of Paramus, N.J. Also: Nirvana was never even nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy! Go back to awards show school, son!
So, Tonight I Might Not See Mazzy Star Depending on Hope's Mood
- DT, famed former frontman of DT and the Shakes and theme song winner, calls (starts at 59:46) to comment on something weird he noticed while The Police performed "Roxanne" on the Grammy telecast. Every time the chorus kicked in, he saw only Andy Summers singing, but he heard 16 voices magically joining him. Tom tells DT that they were sweetening the mix for television, but will not use the backing tracks for their upcoming tour. He says there's a good chance that The Police will play live on The Best Show. DT also has two time-wasters:
1. When Mike and the Mad Dog spend 25 minutes going off on television ratings. In a nutshell: Mad Dog throws out a game from the past weekend, and Mike attempts to guess the local and national rating. DT notes that Francesa is never close to the actual numbers. Tom thinks these segments are the most boring things he's ever heard. DT has to resist the urge to call the show and scream at them.
2. DT went to see Mazzy Star (around the time of She Hangs Brightly) open for Alex Chilton at a club in Baltimore. As Mazzy Star was setting up, lead vocalist Hope Sandoval looked around the club and didn't like the room. The band debated about playing the show for an hour before packing their stuff and leaving. Alex Chilton graciously put everyone on the guest list so they wouldn't have to pay to hear him do songs they didn't want to hear him do. His set omitted the likes of "Back of a Car" in favor of atrocities like "Volare" from High Priest. DT says the closest Chilton got to Big Star was:
- Brian calls (starts at 1:04) from snowy and cold Madison, WI, to request a time refund for the seven brutal hours he spent last Friday at time management training. He says the session was led by a guy who looked like the result of Dr. von Trimble combining 25% portions of Bill Clinton, John Candy, Tony Robbins, and Robin Leach in his genetics laboratory. Tom wonders if the resulting creature's eyes reminded him of Candy. Brian says it was his oversized shoes in need of new laces. The half-baked Scientologist proceeded to uncork insightful gems, advising participants to use their time wisely and make smart decisions. Tom doesn't think that anyone else could ever stumble upon these unique ideas, and Brian confirms that the guy was "sharp as a marble," a popular Wisconsinism that adds to the regional flavor already added by Henry's "cotton" picking. Brian says that nobody in Wisconsin cottons to anything.
- A caller says (starts at 1:06) he wants his time back every time Henry calls the program. Tom GOMPs him for putting down Henry Owings. Tom puts it down as an unfair zinger, but a zinger nonetheless. He wants the caller to apologize for his zing and for saying "Hey, man" like he's from Mellow Grove. Tom calls for a moratorium on Henry bashing because he's already been shamed once in front of America for losing a grammy.
- Hey, man, Paycheck in Toronto calls (starts at 1:07) to get things back on track. Last week, Tom anointed Evan in Montclair as the first Supercaller for his entertaining saga about working on McEnroe, the latest in his string of strong calls. Now there are two: Tom gives Paycheck Supercaller status. He is officially above The Best Show law. Paycheck asks if this means that he can now just 'unno it like Pudge or wing it, but Tom says he couldn't even wing it if he tried. He's too precise and thorough, not unlike his countryman Neil Peart. Tom uses his mouth to perform a snippet of drums from "YYZ".
True to form, Paycheck has a very precise topic entry. When he was 17 years young, he paid $9 to see Mahky Ramone and the Intrudahs in his hometown of Ottawa, Ontario. He waited around for an hour, but they never showed up. They trucked it over to Quebec City, which was more financially viable than playing for Paycheck and nine crusty punks in Ontario. Paycheck was excited to see a member of the Ramone clan, but it was not to be. Tom is pleased with the efficiency of Paycheck's first Supercall: he made a joke, he made his point, and then he went out. Paycheck will soon be conducting time management seminars in the middle western states.
- Tom's "old friend" -- and likely murderer -- Stevie Blue calls (starts at 1:10) to say that nothing good has been going on since his last call to the program on 1/24/06. (He checked in as "Joey the Pimp" on the 3/28/06 show). Stevie says he's got caught up in business and life, and Tom concludes that he just got out of jail. Stevie recently penned "Chocolate Covered Hearts", and since Tom's a music guy, he thinks he could really appreciate this potential country hit. Stevie says he's trying to pitch it to Faith Hill so he can squeeze that one song through the door and finally jumpstart his music career. Tom grants Stevie's Valentime's Day wish and lets him sing 10 seconds of his disturbing tune:
I gave you a box of candy, some flowers and champagne
The only thing Tom Scharpling, if I see you again
A chocolate covered heart and white-bright shining pearls
There is no reason, baby, you're the only girl in my world
I put my chocolate heart in a candy box, and I know that it's melting or falling apart
Every time you smile, you look at me that way
I love you, Thomas Scharpling, yes, I do.
Didn't JT and Samberg do this on SNL back in December? During the song, Tom suggested that Steve Blue needs a watch because he actually sang for 48 seconds. Tom thinks it sounds like a hit, and Stevie says it's even better with piano accompaniment. He will send Tom the finished single, which is due out on Goner in May. Stevie is alarmed that Rascal Flatts earned $110 million in tour receipts last year, second only to the $150 million earned by The Rolling Stones. He thinks the band is really good, but he doesn't think they’re worth that much. Tom suggests that they are boosting revenue by robbing banks on the side, but Stevie places the blame on dumb Americans. Absent the nostalgic rock of The Doors or Led Zeppelin, he thinks the music industry has a void that he can fill (I almost added "with his juice", but that sounded really, really gross). As for hip-hop artists, Stevie doesn't think "they" know what the hell they're doing.
Tom envisions the 2008 Grammy awards. He sees Stevie Blue on stage. He sees him with a Grammy in his hand. Now he sees the Grammy involved in a game of tug-of-war. The last image he sees is Stevie Blue getting escorted out of the building. An official tells Steve Blue that he can't just take someone's Grammy award. Stevie thinks Tom's nightmare would make for a good movie, and he asks any tri-state music publishers to contact Tom, his new personal manager, if they want to pursue "Chocolate Covered Hearts". Stevie thinks Tom could see quite a bit of cash when the single crosses over to the pop market and sells 5 million copies. (Stevie Blue = the new Corey Harris?). Tom gets the feeling that this will be the last song he ever hears. He sees Stevie Blue hovering over him, singing "Chocolate Covered Hearts" as he fires bullets into his knees.
- Gregory calls (starts 1:14) to get back the four semesters he's spent matriculating in art school. He thought he was gonna learn about photography and make some good art, but he can no longer justify himself. Tom gives him his usual remedy for malaise: splash some cold water on your face. He thinks Gregory needs to toughen up and stop being such a baby because he's in a good position in life. Tom GOMPs him. He doesn't care about his displeasure with art school. Tom thinks that once he steps into the real world and works behind the counter at Friendly's, he'll be begging to return to his photography class.
- Kelly from Brick City calls (starts at 1:16) to reclaim the three months she spent dating a cheap buffoon who pocketed the extra money she threw in for tips at restaurants/bars. She knew he was doing well financially, so she couldn't understand his reasons for scooping up gratuities. Tom thinks he’s got a disease. The first few times he stole her money, Kelly thought he might just be confused, but by the 10th heist, she was convinced he had a problem. After his sleight-of-hand act, the bare minimum of 15% was left on the table, thwarting Kelly's attempts to honor her past in the food service industry by tipping well. Tom says that he tips 140% to get the best seat at the buffet. If it's a sit-down restaurant with full wait service, he'll up it to 210%. Kelly is impressed by Tom's generosity.
Great Misadventure: The Superman ride takes flight without Sathingtron
- Ahoy there, old chaps, it's Sathingtron calling (starts at 1:19) to get back the time he wasted trying to board the Superman Ultimate Flight ride at Six Flags Great Adventure. The ride allows your feet to dangle to create the feeling of flying through the air like The Last Son of Krypton when the trains loop, dive, and spiral along the tracks. Sathingtron says that amusement park officials manipulated guests with a similarly curvy line layout that made it difficult to accurately assess wait times. Things were looking good for the first 30 minutes, but then he turned a corner and saw a mass of 500 people in an area that was previously obscured. Sathingtron then entered a tunnel, which further hid the full scope of the line. After waiting for four hours, he was finally getting close to the steps of the loading zone. Sathingtron's departure time was just 15 minutes away. However, he realized that it was time to leave the park to catch the bus to return home. Sathingtron bolted from the line, dodged over barricades, and raced to the other side of the park to catch the bus. He then discovered that he did have enough time to enjoy the ride and then secure transportation. Tom points out that S-tron's dash across the park at top speed was not unlike the work of the superhero himself. He got his own little Supes experience. Sathingtron says he finally experienced the ride two years later, and it only lasted two minutes. He thought it was kinda cool, but not worth four hours in line.
- Linus from South South Newbridge calls (starts at 1:29) to set the record straight on The Police reunion at The Grammys. Tom grew up in Newbridge, but he’s not familiar with that part of town. Linus says he lives way down below where the Newbridge Farms Codfishery was located before it evaporated. The codfishery was replaced by the Denim-Clad Dad outlet. Tom has seen this store, which specializes in denim for the active father. Linus can’t believe that Henry Owings liked performance by The Police. Tom didn't' see it, but he heard good things about it. Linus informs Tom that he heard wrong. He thinks he speaks for most people when he says that the dinosaurs should never go back to the well after their initial break-up. Linus believes that the band should leave their half-baked, new-wave reggae in the early 1970s, where it belongs. Tom tells him that The Police emerged on the music scene in 1978, but Linus doesn't care about the corrective.
He guarantees that current indie faves like The Arcade Fire, Deerhoof, and The Shins will never reform in 30 years. Tom doesn’t think Linus can really predict three decades into the future, but he's confident that these kinds of bands will know better. Linus tells Tom that The Shins actually have a new record out. Tom chuckles at this information and tells Linus that he heard about the release via cover stories in every magazine. Linus sarcastically says that Tom’s quip was "very funny". He believes that The Shins have completely revolutionized the way bands pose in photos. He describes their new alignment as standing at attention with bugged-out eyes as if they were going before a firing squad. Linus says that every band is now doing it, even veterans like Pearl Jam. Tom never noticed this new photographic trend. Linus doesn’t like Tom’s smart ‘tude, but Tom thought they were just having a nice conversation. Linus says Tom can’t talk to him like that because he’s an award-winning blogger. He calls Tom a “fumduck” in the process.
Tom's confused about the explanation, so Linus tells him that “blog” is an abbreviated term for weblog. He also invites Tom to join everyone in 2007. Tom says he knows what a blog is, but he doesn’t understand the concept of an “award-winning blogger”. Linus says he's received accolades for blogging about the amazing stuff that has happened in his 25 years on this rock we call Earth. He gives Tom the URL so he can check out his prized pages: http://18rabbits.circleblog.com/. Linus can’t believe that Tom doesn’t get the reference to 18 Rabbits, which is the name of the first track on the second The Buttless Chaps album (Love This Time). Tom wants to know who that band is, and he requests that Linus respond without calling him any names. Linus thinks that someone with a radio show on WFMU should know about The Buttless Chaps. Tom says he can’t be expected to keep track of all 18 millions bands out there.
Tom wants to hear about some of the blog-worthy experiences that Linus has had during his quarter-century on The Big Rock. Linus says that in 2005 he got carjacked by a total creep while driving around Newbridge Commons. The guy forced Linus -- at gunpoint and knifepoint -- to drive him to his sister’s wedding in Connecticut. Linus says the experience was particularly weird when they arrived at a rest stop. In a scene that recalled the chain gang sequence in Woody Allen’s Take the Money and Run, the carjacker held Linus close and pressed his weapons into his rib while he stood at the urinal. The harrowing ordeal had a happy ending because Linus had a good time at the wedding. He still keeps in touch with the carjacker’s family. The carjacker is currently in The Hut.
While sightseeing last August on his first trip to L.A., Linus says he got into an argument with Sylvester Stallone at a gas station. Stallone was pumping gas into his brand new black SUV. Linus pulled up no less five feet away from the SUV, and Stallone started yelling: watch the paint, don’t get too close, don’t nick the bumper, etc. Linus was just waiting for his gas, and he didn’t like getting scolded in front of everyone. He fired back at Stallone with a classic fakeout retort. Linus started to inform Stallone about his last decent movie, but before revealing the title, he used a dramatic pause and told the agitated star that he hadn’t done decent work since “well, ever.” Stallone got really mad about the dissing of his entire filmography, and their argument got really heated. Many observers filmed the incident on their cell phones, and Linus says footage exists on the Web. (I couldn't locate it.) Linus says that Stallone apparently liked his moxie (he held his own in the dispute), so he invited him to dinner that night. Linus eventually helped Sly punch up some of the face-contact foley sounds for Rocky Balboa. Tom is pleasantly surprised by these legitimately weird and wild stories.
One of Linus’s most popular 18R entries is his story of beating hot-dog-eating champion Takeru Kobayashi in a hamburger eating contest. As Linus walked past a McDonald’s in Manhattan at 4 a.m., he spotted Kobayashi dining alone on a Filet-O-Fish. Linus was a little drunk, but very baked. And famished. Filled with some liquid courage, he entered the restaurant and challenged the world's best eater. Despite barely speaking any English, Kobayashi knew what was happening. He was also a little tipsy, so he was up for the impromptu battle. Linus ate 61 hamburgers, and Kobayashi only ate 48. While it’s certainly a great feat, Linus points out that 61 is not a world record, and the burger is not Kobayashi’s chosen dish. Tom is still impressed that Linus took down such a renowned professional. Linus also blogged about his search for his birth parents. He was devastated to discover that his mother died a week before he found out who she was and where she lived. This sad tale caught the attention of the editors at Blog Now.
Tom peruses the blog and finds an intense entry from 5/23/06. Linus gives him the go-ahead to read it on the air:
Tom's horrified by the post. Linus tells him to get ready for the entry in which he discusses his three-week residency in an evergreen tree in a forest in Oregon. He’s confident that posts like this will totally take down "holdsteadyjake2004". Tom doesn’t know who that is, so Linus explains that he's the three-time reigning Bloggie champ, often referred to as the Elvis of blogs. Linus says that "holdsteadyjake2004" gets mobbed by fans and bombarded with free merch every time he walks into Starbucks, an Apple Store, or Circuit City. Linus would die to have the dramatic life of his blogging nemesis. Both of his parents were killed in a fiery plane crash, and he was subsequently raised by his sadistic, alcoholic grandfather, who was the inspiration for the Coach Fannell character in Trent L. Strauss’s The Ooze 3: Coach Fannel’s Revenge. Linus says that "holdsteadyjake2004" had to become a street hustler (perhaps he inspired The Hacksawist??) to pay his way through college. He's now a Wall Street wiz.
Linus and “holdsteadyjake2004” will go head-to-head at the 2007 Bloggies. The winners will be announced next month at the SXSW Interactive Festival in Austin, Texas. Linus is frustrated because "holdsteadyjake2004" just got diagnosed with a weird disease so he’s been getting a lot of “sympathy hits” (not to be confused with turret hits) on his blog. Readers want updates on his medical condition, and they are all rooting for his recovery. Linus asks Tom if he thinks his stuff is good. Tom says he's taken aback by all of the mindboggling stories on his blog. He thinks the eclectic scope of the 18R content makes it seem like more than one life is being discussed. Tom references a post from 8/17/06 in which Linus discusses testifying in court on behalf of his deaf brother Richie, who was charged with arson. Tom notices that Linus claimed the Stallone encounter in L.A. happened on the same day.
Linus admits that he made that stuff up because he wanted to really kick ass and win a Bloggie. Tom emits a sigh of relief because the post about watching the guy drown is the creepiest thing he’s ever heard. Linus starts to say that the "George" story actually happened, but he abruptly goes completely silent. Tom presses him, but Linus does not respond. He won’t even indicate if he’s still on the line. Tom asks him if he watched a man drown. Nothing. Tom decides to move on, and Linus starts speaking again.
Linus says he also posts a lot on The Velvet Rope, a popular entertainment industry forum. His post counter is at 17 because he just rolled over for the second time. Linus has published 2,000,017 posts on VR, averaging 4,200 per day. Linus says he has seven different arguments going with himself under several different profiles so he can play all sides of a given issue. For example, one of his VR personas is arguing that The Police were good on the Grammys, "a gay" is declaring his love for Sting, and a third guy says he wants to murder Sting. Tom considers his fictional blog and these faux debates to be time-consuming and pointless, but Linus says it’s all part of his effort to boost his web presence and win a Bloggie. Tom wants to know the prizes that accompany this honor. Linus says you don’t get that much physically -- the actual award is a printout of your blog. They put gold paper clips on it, and then place it in a real nice vanilla envelope. Tom thinks the type of envelope is manila, but Linus says that’s a country.
A famous person draws a picture on the cover of the winning packet, and Linus is excited that this year’s artist is The Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne. The Lips are one of Linus’s favorite costume-wearing bands. He also enjoys the old-timey The Decemberists, who look like they walked off a Smith Brothers cough drop box, Of Montreal's spacy get-ups with props, and The Earons, an “astro-funk” band that had a record out back in Tom’s day in the late 1980s.
The Earons - "Land Of Hunger"
Tom didn’t like the jab at his age, jokingly suggesting that Linus has discovered some kind of fountain of youth. Linus says he’ll forever be young at heart. Tom asks Linus about the legitimacy of a post involving the mother of his friend Lily having an affair with Tony, his best friend in high school. Linus says that one is true. He doesn’t understand why Tom would think he’d make something like that up. Also true: a post about his ex-girlfriend, Kim. She had a gas problem and is really hung up on a one-night stand with the married drummer of Kings of Leon.
Tom tries to clarify that Linus is making stuff up about himself, but is sticking to the truth when posting about other people. Linus says he embellishes posts about himself, and he tells Tom it’s none of his business. Hewants him to shut up. Tom wants to know if he’s at least using fake names for the people he’s posting about. Linus says it’s none of Tom’s business, but he admits to using real names because he’s documenting real life. “Linus”, however, is just a posting alias because he doesn’t want to put his real name out there. Tom says he has problems with his creepy confessional exposes. Linus tells him to shut up again. Tom thinks he needs to come to terms with his lack of honesty about himself while also completely ignoring the right to privacy for others. Linus says that his acquaintances know that he’s into blogging, so they shouldn’t tell him about what they do or let him find out about it. He says he’s a bit of a snoop sometimes. Tom thinks it’s absurd to expect people to adjust their lives because he might spill their beans online. Linus says this is simply part of knowing and loving and having loved a blogger.
Tom wants Linus to stop saying "blogger" because it sounds gross coming out of his mouth. Linus thinks Tom needs to get with the times. Tom knows some very nice bloggers, but he thinks Linus embodies all of the worst aspects of blogging. Tom questions his decision to expose the private lives of people who are not in the public eye. Linus wants him to define “private”. Tom says Kim’s affair with the drummer from Kings of Leon is her business. Linus believes that his post made her famous, and he thinks she should take advantage of the positive press he’s giving her. He advises Kim to develop her own online venture, such as becoming the next Tila Tequlia, the Vietnamese Myspace sensation. Linus notes that Kim doesn’t have the required bod for that initiative. Tom laments Linus’s failure to value the freedom of other people. He tries to extract the incognito blogger's real name, but Linus calls him nuts for even trying. Tom refreshes 18 Rabbits, and sees a post dated 2/15/17. Linus wants him to read it.
Tom wants to know if the post is suggesting that Linus will attempt to kill him. Linus goes silent again, but he comes back to whisper a creepy warning: "Get ready for the white belt." Tom likes bloggers, but he hates Linus. He thought he was scared when Stevie Blue called, but he's scareder now.
- Zach Galifianakis arrives (starts at 2:11) for his in-studio debut, a follow-up to his delightful telephonic appearance last May. Tom and Zach exchanged pleasantries off-air, and Zach wants some data on The Best Show listenership before proceeding. Tom asks Zach to imagine himself at a sold-out Giants stadium. He does and sees a crowd of 4 million people. Tom says his audience is a tad south of 4 million, but it's a loyal and supportive group. Zach wants more specific information about the imaginary event, so Tom says it's not a football game because field seats are required. While some people don't offer obstructed view tickets behind the band, Tom had such a seat for a Billy Joel concert at Madison Square Garden. These were far from flaw seats. Tom and his buddies had the four worst seats in the entire arena: the last row of the upper deck behind the piano man's stage. Zach wonders if Tom saw Joel on the tour supporting 1982's The Nylon Curtain, but Tom says this was only two years ago. Zach is surprised that Tom is still going to see him, and Tom reveals the truth: it was the Innocent Man tour featuring Joel's old-timey rock 'n roll roots coming through. Zach points out that Billy Joel proved to be not as innocent as he claimed in 1983. Tom also thinks it's time for the 61-year-old to retire the "Billy" nickname. Zach says that's what his family calls his grandmother. They changed her name after she died. Tom doesn't want to talk about his grandmother.
He prefers to help spread the word about Zach's late February/early March multimedia extravaganza. Fans can get the tactile experience of buying Zach Galifianakis:
A Rush of Blood to the Head Live at the Purple Onion DVD, which will be in storage on March 6th. (Netflix is already storing it for rental.) They can also catch Zach live, including two shows at Irving Plaza on Feb. 24th. Zach says that 16 tickets have already been sold, so he plans to straddle it into one show for 15 people and then an audience of one. The first show is actually sold out, but there are still seats available for the bawdier, anything-goes nightcap. Zach says the looser format will allow him to diverge from the Tim Allen rip-off material he's been doing for years. While these breakout shows are billed as an evening with Zach Galifianakis, Zach says special guests will include Barack Obama. The Presidential hopeful stopped smoking, but Zach says his stand-up was very funny when he was a smoker. Zach uses a toilet word, but Tom deletes it from the broadcast by hitting the bleep button so hard that he shattered its lid. He tells Zach to splash some cold water on his face to prevent a relapse.
Zach biked to the studio all the way from Brooklyn, and he says that the beauty of the magical snowfall gave him new life as he pedaled to the Magic Factory. Tom hopes that Zach is not one of those people who cling to NYC-based events as being especially unique and profound experiences. Tom mentions that this is a common topic on the show, citing the classic example of the 2003 Blackout where New Yorkers behaved as though they had been hit with a Biblical-grade trauma. Tom lost power for five days in New Jersey, but he toughed it out with coolers of ice and tossed out the food in the refrigerator. Zach is offended by Tom's non-PC terminology. He believes the proper name for the massive outage is an "African-Americanout". Zach understands that Tom's point of view is shaped by being a longterm resident of the area, but he can also see how visitors to NYC could easily fall under its spell. Tom says that Zach has opened his cynical eyes, and now he's looking forward to re-evaluating the skyline.
Zach is originally from the mouthbreathing from the foothills of the Appalachian Trail in the northwest corner of North Carolina. Tom would have guessed that Kansas borders his state, but Zach thinks it's one of the Dakotas. Virginia and Tennessee also hug Zach's pocket of NC, where he still spends 2/5th of his year on his 60-acre farm. Tom wonders if Zach longs to return to L.A.'s Arclight at the end of his stints on the farm, but Zach actually appreciates cinema more when he has to make a one-hour trek see it. Unable to just stumble into a big-city theater and select some arthouse offering, Zach likes making an event out of loading a loved one into the car and draining some gas money -- even if the end product was created by members of the Wayans family. Since he traveled 90 minutes to see Norbit, Zach says he'll be much more forgiving and focus on highlights like Eddie Murphy's well-made fat suit.
Tom suspects that Zach's humble origins put him in the Slob category, but he says he was somewhere in between a Slob and a Snob. His family were outsiders since they were the only ethnic family with weird names in the area. Tom still hasn't been able to get past the fancypants rich kids with their Nike shoes. He's still mad at the Haves. Zach wants to explore Tom's residual anger from his middle-class upbringing and past financial struggles. Tom doesn't like Zach's attempt to turn the tables on him, so he quickly requests some stories about Matt Walsh.
Zach appeared with Walsh, A.D. Miles, and Andrea Savage on the Comedy Central docucomedy Dog Bites Man. Tom points out that Walsh is used to being the Dean Martin of the UCB world, skating by while others do all the heavy lifting. He then swoops in for the big laff and soaks up all the praise. Zach agrees with Tom's assessment and says that Walsh is one of the worst human beings he's ever met in his life. However, Zach slipped into that role in the DBM dynamic while Walsh pumped iron as the ostensible lead. Zach says he purposefully wrote his character, the incompetent KHBX director Alan Finger, so he rarely had to speak. Zach's move was strategic since he didn't want to actually do the work involved in talking to the real people they encountered while filming fake news pieces. The other cast members eventually caught on to his mute ruse. Zach thought it was realistic to have an uninterested, quiet guy character to represent the fact that most people are just skating by in their chosen profession.
Zach, however, is a go-getter, unlike some of his colleagues. Tom doubts Todd Barry would ride a bike, and Zach doesn't think the arrogant comedian even knows how. Tom tries to conjure the image of Todd Barry on a bike, and Zach thinks he'd opt for talking to himself while riding a unicycle. Tom can picture Barry riding a tall bike as seen on the old-timey wallpaper at T.G.I. Friday's. Zach thinks Barry would have a hard time getting such a bike through the turnstile at the PATH train. A.D. Miles would likely place Barry atop a recumbent en route ash ole town.
Tom calls Zach the George Jones of comedy and thinks he's ready to leave the game at any moment. Zach confirms that he quit right when he rang the WFMU doorbell. Tom thinks Zach could walk away from comedy and never look back, unlike some other guys who need it like some sick compulsion. Zach says one problem with his retirement is that he doesn't have any other skills to earn a living. He'd like to explore knitting, and he asks Tom if people earn money by making scarves (or scarfs!) Tom thinks this could be a viable line of work, but he warns Zach that a slow sales week might prevent him from being able to afford the Children of Men screening at the Arclight. Luckily for Zach, he's already seen that film and liked it a lot.
Tom hasn't seen the post-apocalyptic science-fiction, but he did enjoy The Queen, which Zach confuses for a Mario Cantone bio-pic. Tom, of course, thinks the inspiring Royal Family expose is awesome and believes Helen Mirren's awards are well-deserved. Getting back to Cantone, Tom mentions Steampipe Alley, the bizarro Sunday kids program he hosted from 1987-1993 on WOR-Channel 9. Cantone rode his Bette Davis and Joan Crawford impressions for an audience of puzzled kids who were just waiting to run through a maze. Zach and Tom both go on record as Cantone fans.
- Thomas from Columbia, SC, calls (starts at 2:30) to use Tom's precious time to promote "The Fishbowl", his show on WUSC. He previously sent an e-mail to Zach about appearing on his program to coincide with his show at the school on March 30th. Zach told him to remind him a week before the gig, but Thomas thought he would take advantage of his opportunity to talk to him on the air. Tom allows him to do this, but he lets him that it's a low-rent move. Zach wants to know more the show's listenership. Thomas has no idea, so Zach immediately agrees to appear as a guest. Zach asks Thomas if he has a sidekick named "Booger Stash", but he can only offer a sorta-sidekick named George. He has a nice, big beard, but he doesn't think it can match Zach's unless he recently shaved. Zach says he will go on "The Fishbowl" under three conditions: George changes his name to "Booger Stash", Thomas uses wacky sound effects, and the interview takes place at 5 a.m. Tom asks Thomas if he wants to talk to some record labels or line anything else up while he's on the line. He invites Zach to a party after his show, and Tom gets rid of him. He think Thomas should be more patient with e-mail communication instead of trying to make things happen like he's Rupert Pupkin.
- James from Redding calls (starts at 2:34) to get Zach's take on all these comedians who play musical instruments during their sets. He thinks Zach is the funny exception to the rule that states that every comedian who does this is completely horrible. Tom wants some names. James says he got mad a month ago when he saw Demetri Martin playing guitar on Comedy Central. He also hated some guy he saw on Lenaux. James attributes his French pronunciation on his bad cell phone. Zach says he has no ownership over using music in comedy, and he points out that people could argue that he was ripping off Victor Borge in his act. Zach says he's not bothered bothered by Demetri Martin because he's a friend and a great joke writer. Tom teases Zach by interpreting his words to mean that he admires Martin's technical craft, but not his performance skills. He tells Zach about his unsuccessful attempts to get Todd Barry to badmouth any comic. Barry wouldn't even disparage David Brenner.
- Listener T from Los Angeles calls (starts at 2:36) with a question for Mr. Gaspofalasky about his twin brother. Listener T saw Seth Galifiankis at the end of The Comedians of Comedy show at The Troubadour, and he was wondering how his career was progressing. Zach hasn't spoken to him since that show, but he assumes that he's getting ready for the next football season. Listener T says that Seth seemed nice even when people in the audience were throwing food at him. Zach says he's a gentle man, but he's frustrated that he's riding his coattails like Demetri Martin. Tom says that he likes Demetri Martin. Listener T was also wondering who came up with the idea to have people standing for five hours at a comedy show. Zach did. He actually suggested doing a Bikram Yogurt thing by heating the room because he noticed that a lot of the audience was really overweight. Listener T thinks that Zach would have been sued by Mr. Choudhury if he went through with it. Tom's shocked that the audience was overweight at a comedy show. Listener T says that in the end it didn't matter because everybody killed except for David Brenner.
- Vince DiMaggio from the Bay Area heavy metal band Chronic Narcosis calls (starts at 2:38) to track down an elusive Late World skit called "Sneaky Jesus". Zach says that he has all the tapes in his attic, and he will eventually crawl up there and shove the content into his computer so it can all be seen. He was going to do complete this project sometime in the next year, but since Vince called, he'll do it tomorrow. Vince thinks this timetable is kick-ass. During this call, Vince was unable to sneak his smoker's laugh past Tom, although he did ignore Tom's queries about the daily tally of his habit.
- David in Northern Virginia calls (starts at 2:42) with a great question, but Zach wants to talk to Tom about the paucity of women callers. Tom says that women call the show, but Zach has never heard them. Tom asks Mike how many of the four illuminated lines contain a female. Mike says none. Zach gives David the go-ahead to ask his question about the progress of his writer's commune in North Carolina. Zach says he's still grooming the land to become a sustainable farm and will also need to build cabins. He did finish building a pond last summer. Zach says he might never pull it off, but his goal is to create either a writer's retreat or an all-black nudist colony. David applies for a job as an overseer, so Zach wants to hear about his past farming experience. David says his work in the garden has yielded a somewhat green thumb. Zach tells Tom to move to the next call. Tom obeys because Zach's the boss tonight.
- Erika, an actual woman, calls (starts at 2:43) to express her huge Zach fandom and ask him what type of work he prefers. Zach accidentally calls her David because he was so used to saying male names. Erika allows Zach to address her as a man. Tom says one might think that Zach does his shows behind a curtain if he's surprised by all the guys calling. Zach says he takes what comes his way, but stand-up is ultimately his favorite. He does it until he hates it, takes a break with an acting job, and then wants to get back to the stage. Zach says he's ready to walk away, but Erika begs him not to quit because the fans need his comedy. Tom shows respect to Erika by calling her madam.
- A caller asks (starts at 2:45) Zach what he has against fat people. He downloaded Zach Galifianakis: Live at Los Amigos and didn't care for Zach's mockery of the obese. Tom gets rid of the caller because he stole Zach's new DVD and then had the nerve to get mad at it. Zach says he has nothing against fat people because he, too, is fat. Zach wanted to talk to the guy, but Tom doesn't have much tolerance for Internet thieves or people who are trying to find some rare clip instead of being satisfied with the one billion entertainment options that are readily available. Zach says that Vince was searching for "Sneaky Jesus" to get one more glimpse at the migration of a beautiful butterfly. Tom predicts that Vince remembers the sketch in a certain way that could never be matched by a subsequent viewing. For example, Tom saw the reformed Dinosaur Jr. in Chapel Hill, but he wanted no part of their NYC show. Tom preferred to let that one perfect night marinate in his mind rather than run the risk of having the memory shattered. Zach confirms that Jay Masics was indeed holding it down at the Chapel Hill show.
- Ben Frank from Poughkeepsie calls (starts at 2:47) to ask Zach about Kevin Federline's dancing appearance on Late World. Zach says that he became good friends with the then-unknown dancer who went by the name Chad Farthouse. He would love to reconnect with Mr. Federline because he thinks he gets bad treatment in the press. Tom hangs up on Ben Frank because he kept saying Ben Frank. He suspects it was part of some kind of Baba Booey-esque prank routine for his website.
- Marshall calls (starts at 2:49) to ask about the street musicians Zach integrated into his act in The Comedians of Comedy: The Movie. Zach says he often seeks out local performers when he arrives in a city. In addition to the street performers, he will often call a local church for a gospel choir or solicit dancers at a local company. Marshall doesn't know what else to say about it other than that it's really cool. Zach agrees that it's really cool. Tom sends Marshall off with a "thanks, buddy" that Zach found insincere.
- Kevin in Chicago calls (starts at 2:51) to get some advice on shaky knees when performing at open mics. Zach tells Kevin to keep bringing it as much as he can to accrue confidence, even it is fake. He also recommends holding the microphone close to his mouth. In a nutshell: fake it till you make it.
- Vince DiMaggio returns (starts at 2:53) to defend his quest for "Sneaky Jesus". He says that it's worth pursuing something that had you barrel laughing. Zach sides with Vince and disputes Tom's notion that you can get a comedy fix by just throwing on some Dane Cook. Tom says that Cook cohort Jay Davis will be on the show next week to unveil the final version of his "TLC Killer" joke. Zach says the sketch was done during the time of all that Catholic crap with boys, so he thought it was funny to show Jesus (played by head writer Tommy Blacha) as a sneakaround guy. The sketch was also inspired by Zach's heavy consumption of pot cookies at the time. Vince says he loved the physical comedy of the piece. Tom hangs up on Vince in mid-sentence, and Mike dies with laughter.
- Blue Willie calls (starts at 2:55), but Tom can't give him a set tonight. He says that he would talk to him for 35 minutes if Zach wasn't there.
- John Adams calls (starts at 2:56) to find out more about Zach's personal struggles with weight issues. Zach says he was very thin for a long time, and the second President starts cackling like a lunatic. Zach thought it might be coming from Tom’s sound effects board.
- PFT from L.A. calls (2:56) to ask Zach how he got so good at being interviewed. Zach says he took Cathy Ladman's great interviewing class at the Learning Annex. She taught Zach interview skills such as how far your mouth should be from the microphone, the importance of getting to know the host, and how to effectively take jibes at the host. PFT says he's a comic, and Zach thinks he's seen him on the wonderful Best Week Ever. He asks Paul if the show's thematic thrust is that pop culture sucks. PFT says that facile description overlooks the fact that the show also celebrates pop culture's delightfulness. He asks Zach if beating people was the idea of Dog Bites Man, and Zach wants to know what bus he takes to go to BWE tapings. PFT doesn't follow this line of questioning. Zach tells Tom to move to the next caller. PFT's voice made Tom think about how Zach's "Sneaky Jesus" sketch was the precursor to "Crazy Christians", the controversial Studio 60 piece written by Matt Albie. PFT isn't sure if that's a complement or an insult, but it doesn't matter because Tom cuts him off.
- Brandon from Venice, CA., calls (starts at 2:58) to praise Zach's recent show at Largo and ask about his relationship with the late, great Mitch Hedberg. Zach says he opened for him a couple of times and thought he was a quite charmful human being. He thanks Brandon for making him sad and ruining the night.
Tom tries to take one final call, but gets a mutant mish-mash. It's over. Zach wonders if Erika is still on the line. Tom informs him that she called 25 minutes ago.
Last week, it was an ugly "W". This week:
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom confronts Carlos Menstealia about his recent Coke Blãk bit, Purple Shirt announces the formation of a new Sideways Bike Gang in Brooklyn, Tim Hardaway calls from the Newbridge Tolerance Clinic to recap NBA All-Star Weekend (I bet he wasn't that into the Barkley-Bavetta kiss or the Rookies vs. Legends Rent-off. Who knew "The Chief" was such an agile dancer!), and Tom cooks up and mainlines a dose of BC Powder to numb the pain of a Stevie Blue / Blue Willie / Kate McPhee live rendition of "Chocolate Covered Hearts".
Not Pitchfork-y, but quite gassy:
Linus gets the winner:
Zach delivers his own brand of GOMP: