Bill of Rightses.
"I will literally at that point shed my mortal skin and will enter the pantheon of, dare I say, Gods." -- Tom on his ascension after breaking the curse of the hallway studio
"You might want to ease up on that. These are conciliatory times, buddy." -- Tom, advising Spike to scale back his edgy political humor
"I didn't like him as a Z-grade actor, and I didn't like him as a President either." -- Spike, dissing Ronald Reegen
"His autograph hand would be pretty sore by the end of the thing." -- Tom on the dad from Mork & Mindy's 10-hour JetBlue signing session
"Come on, parents. Keep your kid off the butter pump." -- Tom on the perils of self-serve at the movie theater
"Get those talentless guys who write all these fight sequences. That's what we want." -- Tom, trying to bring the fun back to comics
"Finally, T.S. Eliot hits the big screen!" -- Tom, cheering the poet's hypothetical cinema debut
"I'd rather have a weekend at Camp X-Ray than your tone." -- Supercaller Paycheck, preferring detainment over a Canadian custom official's attitude
"Who puts pesto on any kind of sandwich, let alone a squirrel sandwich?" -- Tom on Mike's bizarre condiment choice
"You’ll paint the duck purple sometimes." -- Jimmy in Louisville on Tom's ability to occasionally buck convention on The Best Show
"No, I'm not gonna go to your record release party in Houston." -- Tom, calling for an end to Myspace event invitations
"You got a buddy from out of town, you know what you might wanna do: TALK TO YOUR BUDDY!" -- Tom, condemning a caller for entertaining a friend with Ghost Rider
"What's the most shocking thing? Is it our revolving doors?" -- Tom, asking Jason about his cultural awakening in America
"I should pay more attention around the station to comings and goings." -- Tom, vowing to be more aware of WFMU happenings after learning of Terre T's bout with cancer
"My wife is with the kids, and they're doing like this New Jersey excursion thing." -- Former Supercaller Evan from Montclair, doing his Borat impression
"Maybe Earth should blow up now. Maybe Earth can get flooded if this is what we're actually producing." -- Tom on his pro-environment zeal being deflated by Melissa Etheridge
"Didn’t we get enough of that to last us like four lifetimes?" -- Tom on being satiated with Randy Newman's extant output
"All I can eat?! I don't want any of this! You're gonna bring me more?" -- Tom, rejecting The Olive Garden's unlimited supply of Wonder Bread and white lettuce
"Let's go aaaallll the way with this, people of Brooklyn! We're gonna roll all the way back to the age of two." -- Tom on the adult-sized playpen he plans to open in the borough
"You gotta have guts to mistreat a bobcat." -- Tom on the owners who lose their animals to the more humane Lakota Wolf Preserve
"You don't have an accent, though. How are you a hypnotist?" -- Tom, wondering how Brian can practice without a German accent
"Buk buk buk baaaak. Buk buk buk baaaak. Buk buk buk buk bu bu buk bu-GAWK!" -- Tom, clucking while under hypnosis
Hell Razah (ft. Maccabeez) - "Maccabee House"
( Click here to buy Renaissance Child)
The BellRays - "Third Time's A Charm"
( Click here to buy Have A Little Faith)
Marnie Stern - "Grapefruit"
( Click here to buy In Advance Of The Broken Arm)
The Makes Nice - "Waves Of Summer"
( Click here to buy Candy Wrapper and 12 Other Songs)
Conceited Wet Rat - "Florida"
( Click here to pre-order We Were Dead Before We Could Send Tom That Demo)
Black Lips - "Stranger" (Live)
( Click here to buy Los Valientes del Mundo Nuevo)
Dudley Perkins - "Flowers"
( Click here to buy Peanut Butter Wolf's Jukebox 45's)
Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:
Due to preparations for the upcoming 2007 WFMU Marathon (start spelunking in those sofa cushions for enough pledge pennies to get Tom's hottttt The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show 2007 Victory Fun Pack premium!), there's a new phone numbah and a new studio for the next few weeks. Everything else is the same: Tom’s still here, Mike the Associate Producer is still holding it down on the other side of the glass, and the three hours of mirth, music, and mayhem will continue. However, a few things are off. Tom’s not gonna lie. He’s not feeling great after suffering an honest-to-goodness dizzy spell before the program. The Kid felt wobbly. He considered bailing, but stuck it out because
of his undying devotion to The Best Show audience he couldn’t find a replacement DJ in time. Absent any other options, Tom splashes some cold water on his face and plows ahead. He almost fainted, but it doesn’t stop him. Jealous cowards try to control him, but he will rise above. He's gonna rise above. These same people distort what he says, but he will rise above. He's gonna rise above. They try to stop what he does, but he will rise above. They can't do it themselves, so they try to take him down. Bush-league maneuvers!
-Yo, man, Fred from Queens calls (starts at 23:34) to deliver some big news: he got married, man. The unlucky woman is Gertrude, and Fred likes her because she’s sweet and doesn’t bother him. He met her on his trip to Belize, and he asks Tom if he knows where the country is located. He doesn’t, and neither does Fred, who says it’s “somewhere”. Wherever it is, he got flown there and hooked up with this Gertrude chick. Fred says she’s really easygoing and never gets on his case, which turns out to be the set-up for the big comedic twist in his call. A female voice pipes up in the background -- it’s Gertrude (played by Jackée Harry), yelling at Fred to clean the house. Tom gets rid of Fred for trying to do a comedy routine derivative of The Bickersons or the hilarious adventures of Joey and Cindy Adams. Tom imagines Fred preparing the routine and thinking it would kill. No such luck. Tom didn't like this married bad news team. He suspects that Fred workshopped his latest radio bit at Galapagos or the UCB Theatre to smooth the kinks out. Tom thinks the unexpected layer of a female speaking out as his wife was likely the result of a note from one of these sessions. From what I've heard, we can expect more of Fred's gold-star comedy to appear on Super Deluxe in the coming months. Maybe he'll stop by Bobby Tisdale's BBB & B. Yo, man, invite Fred up, man! Aziz wanted to add him to the Human Giant troupe, but Fred called off negotiations due to a contract clause that prohibited from doing heroin during shoots.
- Tom marks (starts at 25:01) the two-year anniversary of Mike working on The Best Show, progressing from a lowly call screener to his deserved promotion to Associate Producer. Tom says that many people didn’t think he would make it -- himself included. The first time Mike walked into the studio, he didn’t see the potential. Mike proved him wrong. He knuckled down, he did the homework, he hated Kevin Smith, and two years later, he’s still aliiiiiive. Tom and Mike sing a bit of Pearl Jam’s “Alive” to commemorate this milestone. Mike's skills will be tested tonight because they are upstairs in the submarine-shaped studio. Tom compares it to doing a radio show in a hallway that happens to be equipped with a microphone. Tom points out that this is the home of many bad episodes of The Best Show, including last year’s Poster Children debacle. (As I re-read the recap, I realized that this "L"egendary show was actually fun-filled: Zeph's tale of dipping "little Uncle Zeph" into the Thanksgiving turkey, Rose calling the FOT board “notesfiles”, Bryce telling Rick Valentin that he once saw Steve Albini “ice” Blackie Onassis with a bicycle … in his dreams, the peaceful end to the FOTwa, Tom singing "Breakaway", etc.) The Best Show remains undefeated in 2007, running it like the Phoenix Suns, unstoppable and untoppable. On fiyah. While Tom is the show’s perennial MVP, does the power of Mike's invisible hand and eagle-eyed court vision make him the Steve Nash, distributing calls and filtering mutants so Tom can slam it home a la, say, Amare Stoudemire?
Tom is understandably concerned about the winning streak because he's convinced that the studio is cursed, plus he’s weak from the dizziness. If this show stays afloat enough to earn the "W", he thinks it will be the final piece of evidence needed to prove that nothing can stop The Best Show. At that point, Tom would literally shed his mortal skin and enter the pantheon of Gods. But first he’ll have to enter the basement apartment of …
What's Yr Take on Cassavetes?: Ronald Reegen gets punched by him
- Spike's back (starts at 27:49) after a month-long absence coinciding with the demise of open-phone Tuesdays. He turned 42 on January 29th, so now he's eight years away from moving from the halfway house to the nursing home. Tom wonders if Spike lost his phone privileges after he skipped out on curfew and climbed out the halfway house window using his bedsheets. Spike says he's been busy and denies living in a halfway house. He claims to live on his own, possibly in a lodge for fine gentlemen.
Spike wants Tom's take on the big Serious and XM merger he's been hearing about. Tom doesn't care. Spike's a sirius subscriber and promises to bail if they dump his beloved Lynn Samuels. Spike enjoys Serious programming, especially the 1950s music on Serious Gold Soundz, the "politically normal" Serious Left, and, of course, the shock jock antics of Howard Stern. Tom applies the toilet talk label to Stern, but Spike says the White House is the best place got get a tt fix. Tom urges Spike to ease up on the political humor in these conciliatory times. In the spirit of bipartisanship, he asks Spike to say something nice about Mr. Bush. Spike says he needs 20 hours to come up with something positive. He would love to visit the White House, but not while Bush is a resident. Tom says he voted for Bush twice because this strong, wise, and crafty man has our best interests at heart. He also admires Bush's sense of humor, good taste, and handsomeness. Tom says our most handsome President is either GWB or Ronald Reegen. Spike rejects all of these pro-Bush sentiments, and he didn't like old Ronnie as a grade-Z actor or as President. Tom disputes Spike's assessment of Reegen's acting, noting that he won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in the 1959 Air Force movie, When Eagles Dare.
Spike doesn't think Reegen ever won an Oscar, so Tom wants him to bet on it. Spike suggests $20; Tom was thinking more like $40,000. Spike says he's not rich enough to cover that amount, but Tom argues that if he's so confident, this would be a quick way to earn 40k. Spike could buy a lot of orange crates and a full set of utensils with that kind of a cash. Spike starts doing some research on IMdB. Maybe it was just me, but there was something a bit jarring about Spike looking something up online like a normal person. It would seem more fitting if he started rifling through stacks of discolored, brittle legal pads featuring meticulously handwritten filmographies for all his favorite bygone stars. Tom confirms Reegen's Oscar victory by checking Oscar Watch. Spike still isn't convinced. He believes the closest Reegen got to an Oscar was his ex-wife's deserved Best Actress trophy. Tom thought she won for her appearance on Diff’rent Strokes, but Spike says it was for 1948's Johnny Belinda. Tom thinks Spike is making things up and admits to not knowing the identity of Reegen's first wife because he chooses not to get involved in The Gipper's sordid personal business. Tom prefers to focus on his great leadership and acting ability.
Clint Eastwood, Richard Burton, and Ronald Reegen rock out in the climax of When Eagles Dare
Spike tries to change the subject back to satellite mergers, so Tom assumes that he discovered that Reegen won an Oscar. Spike still doesn't believe it and announces for the third time that he will look it up. Tom tells him that Reegen was also nominated for an Oscar in 1971 for inspiring Deliverance. Spike says that Reegen was the Governor of California at that time, but Tom reminds him that he got a special auxiliary nomination for giving Jon Voigt a pep talk. Tom says that the Oscar Watch profile also reveals that Reegen was slated to appear in the remake of Heaven Can Wait, but opted out. Due to his faulty computer, Spike can't locate Reegen's When Eagles Dare credit, but he does find H cats of the Navy. Tom tells Spike to watch his filthmouth after he says "Hellcats". Spike says Reegen met his future wife, Nancy Davis, in this profanely-title picture. Spike and Tom agree to disagree about whether Reegen received an Academy Award. I did some research after the show, and Tom was half right. Reegen did win an Oscar for a military-themed film, but it was for Samuel Fuller's The Big Red One. Reegen filmed his part while campaigning for his first White House run.
Spike recommends Sirius Patriot, a channel that he thinks will be right up Tom's alley. Tom says he's a sirius Patriot, so Spike directs him to channel 143 (it's actually 144). Tom thinks the patriotic content should be on channel #1 because America is #1. Spike is sad to report that the likes of Snoop Kitty Kat, Séance, and Jay-D have a stranglehold on Serious's pole position. Tom criticizes Spike's stale insults and offers a rewrite on the lazy, one-letter modification of "Jay-D". He proposes "Hey-Y", as in "Hey, why is he popular?". Spike may try it out at the halfway house. Tom wants to know if Spike cracks up the other halfway house gentlemen with these nicknames when they're all sitting around the big table or waiting in line for the common bathroom. Tom imagines people busting out laughing after Spike asks them if they saw Séance in Dreamgirls. Spike says he doesn't lend his transistor radio to his housemates because he takes pride in his property. His two most valuable possessions are his computer and his vast CD collection. If there was a fire in the halfway house, Spike says he would grab as many CDs as humanly possible, clothes (including his masks, I assume), and his computer. He would be happy to see the rest of his stuff burn to destroy evidence. Tom GOMPs Spike because he's had enough for one night. He needs to take a shower after talking to him, but he likes him!
Pay to Play: Doug Llewelyn's replacement gets some expert legal analysis
- After a fun detour through Queens for the Fred & Spike Open Phone Jamboree, Tom closes the lines so he can start the show proper. Before getting into a topic, he weighs in (starts at 39:44) on the big news story that gripped the nation this past weekend. For those of you living in shanty in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker, Tom is referring to Doug Llewelyn, the former reporter for The People's Court, having a total meltdown and shaving his head. (He also got an ill-advised Sister Sheila tattoo on his left buttock. It's their controversial original logo with the scantily-clad lady straddling the gun handle.) Tom sends out his best for Llewelyn's attempt to find the peace he's looking for during his stay in rehab. With the well wishes out of the way, Tom silently slides the mic over to the computer so he can get some information on JetBlue's new Customer Bill of Rights, an initiative the embattled airliner rolled out after they had a meltdown of their own. JB (or, as I can them, "Jables") faced an operational disaster after extreme winter weather grounded planes at JFK, leaving some passengers trapped inside for as long as 10.5 hours.
Tom imagines two possible scenarios that might occur amidst this nightmare. In the first, a very minor celebrity like Conrad Janis, the dad on Mork & Mindy, would achieve a short-lived boost in fame. Tom imagines that his autograph hand would be pretty sore by the end of the ordeal. Autograph Collector would kill for that story! Tom also considers the horrors of being in the middle seat with Spike at the window and Fred holding down the aisle. He would escape this sicko sandwich by smashing the little window and somehow climbing through it like a hamster. Tom later speculated about people trading their Us Weekly for a copy of InStyle. The JetBlue customer promise led Tom to think of tonight's topic: Other Bill of Rightses. He starts things off by proposing some movie theater legislation.
Lose the schtick and give the people back their delicious, yellow, chemical sludge!
Tom wants to reverse the rollback in service and move the butter pumpers back behind the counter instead of leaving them out in the open in a self-serve format. Tom wants a movie theater employee to pump the butter on his dry bucket of $9 popcorn to the specifications of his lovely ladyfriend, Ms. Jillian Barberie. In order to properly coat her popcorn, Barberie now has ask the clerk to load one-third of the popcorn, walk 25 feet to the buttering station, and wait in line as some kid plays with the butter console. Tom has a message for the parents: keep your kid off the butter pump. While they're in a disciplinarian mood, I'd also have them issue a cease-and-desist on flicking the straw dispenser thing until 29 straws tumble out of it. Barberie then has to make the trek back to the counter so they can add the second layer of popcorn and then return to the buttering station to apply more butter. The entire process takes 25 minutes. Tom doesn't like it, so he issues the Movie Theater Bill of Rights: Butter My Popcorn.
These goddamn regretful crossovers are not going to stop until publishers Wise Up
- Tim from Ellensburg, WA, calls (starts at 46:27) with a Bill of Rights for comic book publishers. He wants to enact a policy that states that mega-crossovers occur once every 10 years instead of annually. Tom agrees even though he only dabbles in comic books. He enters the world, and then he quickly exits because he keeps getting burned. Tim cites DC's Incident Crisis as being completely awful in a dumb comic book way and Marvel's Civil War as worse for attempting to sync its storylines to real-world politics. Tom is insulted by the notion that Spider-Man's identity should be more apparent in the age of terrorism. He just wants the fun. Tim says a new Spider-Man comic reveals something that involves his radioactivity killing his wife. Tom thinks this is a drag and wonders if it was crafted by Paul Thomas Anderson. He doesn't understand why comic book scribes attempt PTA's epic melodrama or try to expose the dark, suburban underbelly like they're doing Little Children: The Comic. Tom wants publishers to hire all those talentless guys who write fight sequences.
- Tommy from the West Village calls (starts at 49:39) to suggest an express bus Bill of Rights that eliminates the ads plastered over the interior windows. The twang in Tommy's voice leads Tom to believe that he might be talking to Joe Buck from Midnight Cowboy. Tommy says he arrived on the scene 25 years ago to seduce the city's ladies, so Tom thinks he could play Buck's son in the forthcoming Midnight Cowboy 2. Tommy's lost on the reference because he's never seen the original. I hope Jon Voigt gives him a pre-production pep talk. Tom doesn't think Tommy is missing much and says that the X-rated 1969 movie would get a PG/PG-13 today. Tom is excited about the remake starring Ashton Kutcher as Buck and Andy Milonakis taking over Dustin Hoffman's role as Enrico "Ratso" Rizzo. He thinks Milonakis is an interesting casting choice. Tommy appears to be less enthused about the project.
Getting back to the express bus BoR, Tommy believes that he should be able to look out the winda when he pays $5 for a ticket to the Bronx. He thinks he should ride for free if they are collecting revenue by selling advertising space. Tom sympathizes with Tommy being forced to stare at the mutant passengers or peer through the holes in a cell phone ad. He's also saddened whenever he sees an ad on the side of a bus for something that has already come and gone. Tom remembers seeing a bus in Hoboken promoting Hollow Man, the 2000 Paul Verhoeven film featuring an invisible Kevin Bacon raping people, for a year and a half. Tommy always thought that film was an adaptation of "The Hollow Men", T.S. Eliot's 1925 poem examining depression and sadness following World War I. Tom celebrates the notion of T.S. Eliot finally hitting the big screen and welcomes more movies about poems. Tommy loves the poem and discovered that it sounds really cool when accompanied by blues music. Tom says that blues and poems are two of his favorite things. If Tommy throws in some doo-wop, he'll have a trio worthy of storage in a Scharpling time capsule.
Always Be Calling: Paycheck makes a push for the Cadillac he's not licensed to drive
- Supercaller Paycheck checks in (starts at 53:56) to run a quick tutorial and reclaim his rights at the Canada-U.S. border. Tom wants potential callers to grab a pad and pencil to take notes on how it's done. He liked that Paycheck introduced himself instead of making him ask for identification. While Paycheck used to reveal his Toronto location, he cannily calculated that his Supercaller status makes geography a secondary option. Tom is also impressed that Paycheck doesn't ride the short interim moment, preferring to move forward to the topic. Paycheck sends Tom into further delight by making a funny "Always Be Closing" Glengarry Glen Ross reference off of his observation. Paycheck was excited to earn the Supercaller tag because he felt like a comedian getting the wave-over from Johnny Carson after a set on The Tonight Show. Tom compares him to a young Paul Rodriguez. Paycheck hopes to be able to handle the added pressure and not blow the interview on the couch by unleashing his Liverpudlian characters and racist blues voice. Paycheck assures Tom that he is not the Mr. T guy. Tom predicts that the actual Mr. T guy is getting out his device and running to the corner store to buy a $2 phone card for his upcoming attack.
Paycheck has a Bill of Rights for the judgmental officials at the Canadian border. He had a vexing experience trying to clear customs before boarding a plane for a trip to the WFMU Record Fair. Paycheck was asked for identification, so he promptly produced a valid passport. The customs official asked for a driver's license, but Paycheck didn't have one. She was perplexed and asked for his age. She then told him it was weird for a 26-year-old not to have a driver's license. She asked him for the reason for his trip to New York, and Paycheck told her that he was going to a record fair to scout out some old-timey LPs. She looked at him and said, "Oh, you're into that kind of stuff?" Paycheck sucked it up and moved on with his boarding pass in hand, but he later realized that he’d rather have a weekend stay at the Camp X-Ray detention facility than endure her tone. Tom thinks it was wise to let it go because if Paycheck turned the tables by asking what she was into, five guys would have popped out of little hidden doors. The woman would have then revealed that her hobby was holding people like Paycheck at gunpoint. Tom doesn't think the lack of a license is that weird because Paycheck lives in a major city, not in the woods of Tuktoyaktuk. Tom praises Paycheck's politeness on the way out. The bottom line for callers: Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. You close, or you hit the bricks. It's f or walk.
Captain Jack dropped out of high school, and now he's making the big bucks
- August calls (starts at 1:02) to ask for a Bill of Rights about something that's been bugging him. When he's traveling on a highway, he will sometimes see animals lying dead in the middle of the road. August thinks that someone should be required (assuming they can safely traverse the oncoming traffic) to move the body so it doesn't get completely trampled. Tom agrees 100,000% -- the upsetting sight of deceased animals ruins his day. August says he once saw a headless squirrel in the middle of the road as he walked to school. Tom thinks that's gross, but Mike informs him that the head is a delicacy. Tom reports that Mike once consumed a squirrel sandwich in the studio. The squirrel was alive, and Mike struggled to keep the squirming rodent within the slices of bread. Tom gives August the weirdest detail about this eccentric snack: Mike told the squirrel to stand still while he tried to spread pesto on it. Tom finds it odd to use pesto as a condiment on any sandwich, let alone a squirrel-based one. The only time I ever ate squirrel was during a 3 a.m. stop at the Grease Trucks. I saw The Bouncing Souls play at 174 and ended up doing an a lot of 'cid (and one 'lude) with Ari Katz from Lifetime. The hallucinatory state led me to finally pull the trigger on the "Fat Skippy": grilled squirrel meat (marinated for 72 hours in a rosemary-Gatorade jus), chocolate syrup, prosciutto, fried fetted beetroot, and a can of cherry pie filling on large hoagie roll. I added a dab of cilantro-lime Mao per the proprietor's recommendation. It was good, but I wouldn't order it again.
Tom says that Mike also asked the squirrel to hold two tomato slices. August thinks this was a silly request: "Like the squirrel would do that." Tom asks August if he knows what the squirrel said in response. August wants to know, but Tom tells him that squirrels don't talk. Tom makes a rimshot noise to suggest his just delivered a punchline to his joke setup, but August says that some squirrels have the power of speech in anime and other comics. Tom tells August that we're not living in a comic book, and August says it would sometimes be better if we were. Tom hails the wisdom of the child. He longs to operate in an alternate universe where the gray areas disappear, leaving him to thump bad guys for an adoring, appreciative public. In the existing world, Tom gets called a bad guy when he follows his heart by stomping around New York to inflict his brand of justice. Tom compares his vigilante romp to an East Coast version of Falling Down, Joel Schumacher's 1993 documentary about an alienated missile engineer who goes nuts in L.A. He recommends the film to August and predicts that Schumacher will be a big winner at the Oscars for directing The Departed. (UPDATE: Schumacher lost the Best Director award to Abel Ferrara, who brought just the right amount of grittiness to The Queen: The Mario Cantone Story.)
Tom tells August to have his dad make a trip the dollar store to pick up a new $5 phone. August says he doesn’t like the dollar store because most of the stuff breaks within days of buying it aside from the candy. Tom says he's scared to get discount food from the dollar store. He expects crickets to emerge from the packages of those weird Indonesian Oreos that were left out on the airstrip for a year and a half. August's phone starts making noises that suggest he's playing Galaga, so Tom wants him to get his rich rock star uncle to buy him a new phone. August's not sure if he can contact him to request the gift. Tom begins to admire the rhythmic static, which sounds like the feedback on his uncle's records.
And Now For Something Completely Different: Seth McFarlane reinvents himself with his second Fox sitcom
- Jimmy from Louisville comes in (starts at 1:07) like an eager prizefighter after ripping a page from Paycheck's book. He immediately flicks a jab at website called "A Special Thing", which he calls "the Pitchfork of comedy". Jimmy enjoys the site, but he's tired of comedy people thinking that everyone has to love their comedy. For example, they think that X + Y = Comedy, but Jimmy thinks that equation can sometimes yield the not-so-good Lucky Louie. Jimmy predicts that he would get his throat ripped out if he wrote a positive post on The Drew Carey Show, so he wants a Bill of Rights that gives him the freedom to enjoy junk-food fare without getting yelled at by comedy tastemakers. Tom places the burden on Jimmy. He thinks he should get some backbone and ignore people on a message board. Jimmy throws it back at Tom, suggesting that he would be upset if a troll called to complain about the show. Tom says that if he did a riff about liking the Westminster Dog Show, he would dismiss a hater by saying it was their loss for not being able to understand a dog show.
Jimmy says the comedy of The Best Show appeals to him because it's paint-by-numbers, but Tom will sometimes color the numbers the wrong way. He thinks Tom follows the comedy book, but when confronted with a duck, he'll buck convention by coloring one of its wings green. Tom's older than seven, so he's embraced the concept of paint-by-numbers, but he can't imagine a kit that resembles this show. He thinks Jimmy is suggesting that he runs a straightforward, typical program. Jimmy reiterates that Tom strays from the norm by painting a purple duck, but he stays within the lines. He also admits that he's not sure where he's going with this analogy. Tom asks for an example of comedy that goes outside the lines, and Jimmy offers
his hero Drew Carey the wily-nily Family Guy. Tom thinks Family Guy is like a drawing on a bathroom stall, but American Dad! tickles his funny bone to no end. Tom is certain the the film version he's working on will be great. His favorite character is Klaus, a talking goldfish, and he rejects the claims that it's just a rip-off of Family Guy. Yes, both shows feature dads, attractive wives, humiliated daughters, dumb sons, creatures with effeminate accents, and pets that talk, but Tom doesn't see the similarities. He thinks Seth McFarlane is a genius who delivered something completely new. Jimmy disappears. I think he went to an art supplies store because 45 minutes later, he posted this on AST:
I think it's totally worthy of a 2-cent stamp, but Doug Benson tore Jimmy a new one.
- Jessica calls (starts at 1:13) on a sucky, staccato phone line from a boring little town in upstate New York called Hyde Park (birthplace of FDR!). She wants a Bill of Rights that halts production on all movie prequels and sequels just because the original cleaned up at the box office. For example, Jessica loved the "utterly hilarious" Meet The Parents, but thinks its legacy is being tarnished by Meet The Fockers and the upcoming Meet The Focker Babies, starring Andy Milonakis as Ben Stiller's son, Dom. Tom sees her point, but he's looking forward to any sequels because he never laughed harder than when he saw Meet The Parents. He thinks they should keep making them until none of the cast agrees to appear. Jessica suggests that another logical endpoint would be when the actors die of old age. Tom thinks that would be a sad finale to the series, and Jessica can imagine the wrenching emotion of the funerals for the Fockers and the other ones.
- Evan in Providence calls (starts at 1:16) with a Myspace Bill of Rights. He wants the social-networking site to stop putting the skanky True girls on the sign-off screen. Evan is just there to talk to his friends, and he gets embarrassed when confronted with these solicitations. Tom mentions that his recapping friend Omar pointed out the absurdity of Myspace's messages about encountering "an unexpected error". Since these messages appear with nearly every click, they are far from a surprise. Tom also wants to end Myspace event invitations because there's no chance he'll attend a band's record release party in Houston. He thinks they should be able to modulate the invites by zip code. Evan's done. Short and sweet. Tom thinks Evan's brevity thing is his way of lobbying for the third Supercaller slot. Evan says he does want that lofty status, but he feels that he must first build some FOT street cred. Humble!
- Monkee Mike Nesmith, the inventor of white-out, attempts (starts at 1:18) to ride the momentum of his call from the 12/19/06 show, but Tom thinks he reached too far back into the archives. Monkee Mike says his moniker is a reference to his first show/worst show discussion of the Monkees playing at Jones Beach. He also points out that his call occurred during the final show of 2006 in which Tom gave himself a "W", but dropped a definitive "L" on the callers/listeners. Monkee Mike recalls that Megan and the guy with the accent (Nigel) were in the studio, but had nothing to do with the "L".
He has a Bill of Rights for getting more respect at the deli section of his local Stop & Shop. Monkees Mike believes that if you purchase a pound of roast beef, you should be able to return it if it's subpar when you bring it home. He's tried to return faulty meat, but the manager will not grant an exchange or issue a refund because it's meat. Tom tells Monkee MIke to smear the roast beef on the outside of the store window and sarcastically suggest that he's out of luck because this is the only grocery store in the area. The truth is that he can throw a rock from the offending grocery store and hit another grocery store. The rock would then bounce off that storefront and hit yet another grocery store. Monkee Mike has options, so he thinks deli workers should be more accommodating to their existing customer base. Tom suggests a different approach to getting back at the deli counter. He wants Monkee Mike to fill a shopping cart with frozen food and leave it on the other side of the store. Monkee Mike likes the punk rock attitude of ruining $1,000 worth of Gorton's frozen seafood by letting it thaw next to the kiddie carousel. Tom gives the likable goofball a kind, mussing-of-the-hair GOMP for eating meat in the first place. Tom thinks this might be the first friendly GOMP, making this show a night of first
- A caller discovers (starts at 1:25) a flaw in the punky plan to stick it to the supermarket. While he admires it in theory, he points out that the employees would just put the rotting packages back in the freezer cases, leaving the little guy with crappy food. Tom immediately withdraws his plan because he wouldn't want to buy some unfrozen refrozen ice cream. Tom is far from the little guy, but he understands them and he looks out for them because he used to be one of them. Tom says he's like Don Rickles because he only attacks big people. He GOMPs the caller for stepping on his recitation of the Rickles speech where he justifies his 90 minutes of racism by saying he served in the Navy with fellow Americans of different creeds and races. Tom likes Rickles and thinks someone should figure out how to do an update of C.P.O. Sharkey. I think Mitch Hurwitz is already working on it.
Ashley J. Williams wins, Ash Ole skeletons lose in 1300 AD
- Tom is baffled by the nearly $50 million opening weekend for Ghost Rider, which he thinks looks like one of the worst comic book movies ever made. It's "cume" (I picked up that lingo in the new issue of Viority) is now close to $80 million. Tom wants to talk to someone who actually saw it. He estimates that Nicolas Cage only spent four days on the set -- two days pretending to ride a motorcycle and two days talking to Sam Elliot in a graveyard -- because the bulk of the film involves grafting a CGI skull on top of him. Nick in Jersey City calls (starts at 1:27) with a review: wretched. Big thumbs down to Ghost Rider. He thinks it could have been better with more interesting fight sequences, but it was anti-climactic and rotten. Nick says the CGI effects reminded him of the chattering skulls in Army of Darkness. He saw it in an empty theater on Sunday night, and Tom wants to know why. Nick blames the screening on a visiting buddy who wanted to see the film. Tom thinks that Nick should have spent some time talking to his buddy from out of town instead of sitting in silence for two hours seeing a movie that's playing on 3,800 screen across America. He would have hoped that Nick offered him a more engaging time than a brief chat at the butter pumps. Tom recommends a dip in the Altered States sensory-deprivation tanks for his friend's next visit. Tom GOMPs Nick for being a bad friend. He could understand seeing The Queen, which would inspire some good post-film discussion, but Ghost Rider is an unacceptable trifle.
- Monkee Mike returns (starts at 1:29) to talk to the Don Rickles of WFMU. Tom denies being the station's resident insult comic. He's the
John Stossel John Starks of WFMU. Monkee Mike tells Tom to listen up because while he didn't see Ghost Rider, he did see Music and Lyrics, a better date movie choice than Schumacher's The Departed. He thought it might be funny due to the presence of a cheeky English guy, but it turned out to be the worst movie he's ever seen. Tom's disappointed to hear that because he has tickets for the Thursday night show. Monkee Mike assumes that Tom has tried to write a song, and Tom reminds him of his hit single, "Pizza Party". Monkee Mike says the first 50 minutes of the film document how uncomfortable it is to write a song with someone. He did get a special alternate ending at his screening at the Loews in Mountainside, N.J.: the film reel burned with 15 minutes remaining. Monkee Mike suggests that Drew Barrymore rekindled her Firestarter pyrotechnics to trigger the blaze. Tom likes this Loews theater a lot, but he can’t go there anymore. He fears that Monkee Mike will sneak up behind him and offer him Raisanettes or Goobers. Tom now plans to scalp his Music and Lyrics tickets on the shady craigslist.
- Tom laments (starts at 1:33) the likely demise of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, his favorite show to laugh at for its shortcomings. As he watched last night's episode -- perhaps the last one to ever air -- he realized that the show is so defeated that some of the fun has been drained from his mockery. NBC booted the ratings-addled dramedy from the schedule to make room for the premiere of Paul Hackis's The Irish Sopranos. Most television observers believe the show's chance for renewal is about zero, and it's possible the remaining six episodes will not appear until the DVD release. Tom would love to see a second season, and he may start a petition. He fires off a draft:
- Tom does a joke (starts at 1:51) revolving around the Bee Gees's "New York Mining Disaster 1941", which he played in his second music set. In the song, the band tells Mr. Jones to keep it down so he won't cause a landslide. Tom thinks that if landslide-avoidance was the band's goal, then maybe their singing with the bass guitar and drums kicking in was even more problematic than loud talking. Tom believes his riff would have been perfect for a 1968 appearance on The Dick Cavett Show, but it would not have earned him a Carson wave-over. Then again, Tom would have refused to do The Tonight Show back then. He would have only done The Merv Griffin Show and The Joey Bishop Show. Tom talks tough about theoretically telling off Johnny Carson. He wouldn't have graced him with his presence even if he was offered $200 million.
Tom saw Wayne’s World recently and found something quite odd about Wayne Campbell making a joke about the Bee Gees's mass appeal in a film that has the worst soundtrack he's ever heard. Tom doesn't think a Bang Tango song is preferable to anything by the Bee Gees. (The song in question is actually "Rock Candy" by the BulletBoys!) Tom suspects that if the film was made two years later, it would have contained a song by the chainsaw-wielding Jackyl. I assume that Tom likes at least one tune from the soundtrack:
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Sikamikanico"
Tom briefly mentions The Olive Garden commercial featuring a mom asking the hostess to help her find her handsome date. The date turns out to be her son, who is unable to tie his own shoes. The spot is so bad that Tom is hypnotized into watching it even if he's scanning passed it on a DVR'd program. He says he hasn't seen a commercial that bad since the BluBlockers crew invaded Venice Beach and got a street performer to do a rap about their UV-blocking sunglasses. "Dr. Geek" does a rap about Todd Barry in Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion, but he trades the sombrero for a top hat. He, of course, still does the Mugsy mobster voice. Mike says he recently watched the Tony Little infomercial. Tom thinks that's pathetic, but he's only laughing because he didn't know it was on. He would gladly watch it. Tom also likes the Game Show Network's PlayMania Block, where viewers are asked to call in to claim a cash prizes of $100-$500 for unscrambling RABD TPIT with the hint "Hollywood Star". He thinks they are getting you on the cost of the phone call.
- Tom announces (starts at 1:59) a new topic: what was the worst thing that anyone ever said to you. Tom fears that nobody will call to talk about the time they were insulted. An anonymous caller is about to start things off with an upsetting post-coitus comment, but Tom cuts him off. He doesn't want to play the game anymore.
- Jason/Nigel calls (starts at 2:02) to offer some insight into the call-in game shows. He points out that they have to ask a question to be considered a legit competition instead of just a lottery. Therefore, they concoct the easiest questions possible to get people to ring in. Jason's not sure what the cost is, but he says it's probably the same as the premium rates that Mike pays when he calls erotic phone services. Tom loves Jason's ethering of Mike and is looking forward to a new USA vs. USA feud. Tom wants to know what this Englishman in New Jersey finds most shocking about his new country. Tom thought it might be our revolving doors, but Jason says it's electricity. He also says that pizzeria taverns in England don't offer individual slices like the parlors in the New York area. Jason misses certain radio and TV shows, but he's able to download them or listen to them online as part of his effort to build a new England. Tom wants to know what American character shocked him the most, but Jason offends him by making a reference to a volunteer at WFMU. Tom GOMPs him for running his own episode of Studio 60 in his head.
- A guy calls (starts at 2:06) from his pick-up truck to say, "Hey, Tom, what’s up, man?". Tom says, "Goodbye." He didn't like where it was going. Tom thought he had a viable topic, but then that one guy ruined the fun by calling with a sexytime entry. Tom says this show is like a Kiss concert. It's for the slobs who worked hard all day and want a 90-minute escape from the drudgery of their lives and contentious marriages. Tom does a bang-on impression of Paul Stanley addressing the audience to let them know that their Kiss fontasy is about to come true. He doesn't think Stanley should rub the sadness in their faces because they are living it.
- DJ Terre T, host of the Cherry Blossom Clinic on Saturdays from 3-6 p.m. EST, calls (starts at 2:07) and receives high praise from Tom. He tells her that the content he hears on WFMU is not so hott, and Terre T responds with a suspicious "yeah" to see what road she's being led down. Tom says that WFMU is actually a great station, but then backtracks to his initial assessment. Regardless of the overall quality, he's a fan of Terre T's show, which he believes is the best show on WFMU, even though it's not called "The Best Show on WFMU". Terre T appreciates Tom's sweet compliment and joins the logrolling society by declaring his show the best on the station.
Terre T was recently sick with sciatica, so she was watching a lot of call-in games on TV. When asked to identify the substance found in the Earth containing the scrambled letters IRDT, Terre T's medication made her delirious enough to believe she was the only person on Earth who knew the answer. She texted them a few times to get permission to call, but there may have been some technical glitches because they never replied. Terre T says the people that actually get on the air are so dumb that they gave answers of RIDT or TRID. Tom believes that the people that call up are standing eight feet off camera and giving fake answers so the home viewers will keep trying to get through. Tom thinks that people who don't even speak English are yelling DIRT at their televisions. He tells Terre T to expect a $3,800 phone bill because she was probably texting a number located in Guam.
Terre also has an item for the worst thing ever topic, and she promises Tom that it will not be dirty like the preverted toilet punk she spins on the CBC. A few years back, Terre T had the cancer. Tom didn’t know about it, but he’s glad she’s fully recovered. He promises to start paying more attention to comings and goings around the station. Since she lost all her hair during chemotherapy treatments, Terre T had to wear a wig, draw on her eyebrows, and apply fake eyelashes. She also informs listeners that she's really tall at 5' 11". Tom throws in the description "model pretty", and Terre T thinks that's quite a compliment coming from someone hooked up with Jillian Barberie. Tom admits to having a fondness for famous TV personalities, and he reveals that he lined up a date with Ms. Pam Dawber to see Music and Lyrics this Thursday.
Terre T says she often had trouble keeping the wig in place because it could not be anchored with a bobby pin. She attended a comedy show that featured improv jokes about cancer. She could handle that, but she had a disturbing encounter in the lobby after the show. The wig slid around her head a bit, and two guys behind her noticed the askew hairpiece. They then said, "That's a man, baby!" in an Austin Powers voice. Tom’s glad to see that this topic turned out not to be a downer. At the time, Terre T was too mortified to respond, but now she would fire back with filthmouth retorts. Tom salutes Terre T for her inspirational story.
Speaking of filthmouth, Terre T is concerned that the French band Cheveu will curse on her program this Saturday. She gives every band her speech about using obscenities, but the French bands always drop an f-bomb. Tom thinks it’s because they’re sickos from a demented country. He saw four million American bands on Myspace that Terre could choose from. Tom favors government regulation of bands. He wants a Bill of Rights that says a band has to break up before you can form a new one. If this is instituted, I think the definitive tome of the Myspace era of music will be titled Our Band Could Be Your Life ... If We Break Up. Tom gets mad about people spending more money than ever on music devices, but very little on actual music.
The Time Machine: A new generation discovers the delights of modern ragtime
- Supercaller Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 2:20) to unveil his Borat impression. It was the best Borat impression I've heard since Kristen Wiig did one on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago. Tom is rooting for Borat to win the Best Actor, Helen Mirren to win the Best Actress, and Joel Schumacher to win Best Director for The Departed. Tom thinks those are the only three categories this year, but Evan reminds him about Best Song. Tom's not rooting for Melissa Etheridge's "Wake Me Up" from An Inconvenient Truth. The film got Tom excited about fixing the Earth, but after hearing the Etheridge song, he began to think the Earth should get blown up or flooded for producing this kind of music. When Tom got home, he blasted the heat up to 90 degrees, left the car running, and turned all the lights on. Evan wants Tom's take on Etheridge's haircut, but she's not on his radar. He tells Tom that Randy Newman also scored a Best Song nomination. Tom can't believe that even Newman diehards need more of his output considering he's already put out enough material to last four lifetimes. Evan thinks there's a whole new generation of kids who haven't heard "Short People". Tom doesn't know that song. He does know "Sail Away", written from the perspective of an America slave owner, but he doesn't need to hear any of his modern ragtime jams. Tom tries to make a reference to an H.G. Wells film adaptation, and GOMPs Evan for making a Cyndi Lauper reference. Tom revokes his Supercaller license. Evan is the first Supercaller to be impeached. Only Paycheck remains.
- A caller offers (starts at 2:25) some details on the latest effort by the ad wizards at The Olive Garden. The new spot features a waitress asking a couple if they are celebrating an anniversary or birthday. They guy responds by saying it's simply Monday. Tom says the restaurant has the worst food on Earth, including all-you-can-eat Wonder Bread molded into the shape of Italian bread. They combine that with an all-you-can-eat salad bar featuring off-white Iceberg lettuce soaked in vinegar with pepper sprinkles. Tom doesn’t want any of it, let alone an unlimited supply. Tom denounces their "Tour of Italy" menu as being a tour of a bad pizzeria that thinks its doubles as ristorante because they have eight entrees, a few tables in the back, and a lone, uninterested waitress who wants you to go up to the counter and order from her brother.
The caller says the new commercial is promoting The Olive Garden's latest attempt at authentic Italian cuisine: a disgusting slab of meat topped with shrimp and melted cheese. After the guy tells the waitress that they are there for a nice Monday night meal, his morphine-addled female companion drones, "I love Mondays." Tom thinks The Olive Garden is putting medicine in the food to hypnotize diners. He sees Mike getting mad because he's a fan of the eatery. The caller heard that The Olive Garden at 14th and 6th is busy, which is strange because that is not a standard tourist trap area. Tom thinks that tourists are eating there en route to Ground Zero. Tom understand their choice because there is no section in NYC with a lot of Italian restaurants in close proximity. Tom would call such a place "Little Italy".
- Listener Steve calls (starts at 2:29) from Cobble Hill in Brooklyn, so Tom obviously wants an update on his kickball team and his drug habit. Steve says he doesn't follow the kickball league and no longer has the time for a substantial drug habit. Mike asks about his trust fund, and Steve laughs in a way that makes him sound angry about the mocking queries. He actually thinks dodgeball is the hipster sport of choice in Brooklyn. Has slapfighting caught on in Williamsburg yet? Match fights? Tom plans to clean up by opening a giant playpen so Brooklynites can jump around like oversized babies. Taking inspiration from Lily Tomlin's Edith Ann character, he'd offer oversized rattles and baby bonnets so people could revert all the way back to their terrible twos. Steve says this is the life of the idle semi-rich.
When Steve was six, he took apart the family toaster to examine its working parts. He wasn't quite able to put it back together again. In a moment of frustration about his impromptu appliance surgery, his mother said, “You know what, you’re gonna break everything you touch.” Tom says he now understands why Steve is the way he is. The stinging comment bothered Steve for years, but it also established his eventual career path. Steve says the happy ending to the incident is that he now he fixes very expensive medical equipment. Tom’s proud of him, and Steve thanks him for his FOT membership card. He admires the care and devotion that makes a human being named Tom Scharpling take the time to personalize his card and mail it to him out of pocket. When Steve got the card, he ran around the hospital waving it in front of other technicians. Tom imagines that patients would get dizzy trying to understand Steve's explanations about the card's origin and meaning. Tom gives the first-time caller a new nickname: "Prince of Brooklyn". Steve promises to call more so he can take advantage of his new handle.
- Christopher from Rhode Island checks in (starts at 2:35), but Tom thought it was Spike calling back because he led with a "Good evening, Tom." Christopher is frightened by the prospects of Spike crashing his state ("Hello, Christopher ...") and appearing when he closes the bathroom mirror. Tom directs Christopher to the Paul F. Tompkins website to download a .zip file containing a joke about zombies appearing in one's bathroom mirror.
Christopher has a historical reference point for Tom's idea about opening an adult-sized playpen in "Billysburg". He recalls an East Village bar called Babyland that played up the early/mid-1990s "kinderwhore" vibe popularized by bands like Babes In Toyland and early Hole. The hipster bar was equipped with playpens so patrons could nurse a beer while wearing ratty dresses and stocking caps. I once got bounced from Babyland for trying to remove the bone from Theo Kogan's hair. The worst part is that I was unable to retrieve my doll in the ensuing melee. I eventually found a few of its parts -- the left arm and a tuft of hair -- in a gutter on 7th. Tom will not allow beer in his playland because he doesn't want to have to clean up spillage in the pens. Mike suggests making the experience more authentic by selling formula, which will be liquid cocaine to cater to the Brooklyn crowd.
Christopher also recounts a vivid memory of an insult he received when he was in his early 20s. He was riding in the passenger seat of his brother's car as they traveled down a main drag in Rhode Island. He leaned out the window and noticed two girls in their early teens. One of them caught his eye and said, "You're ugly!" Christopher could only think to say, "Thanks." Tom thinks their assessment is horrible and inaccurate. He's seen a picture of Christopher and finds him full-on handsome. Christopher is flattered, and Tom assures him that he only speaks the truth.
- Megan from Bloomfield calls (starts at 2:40) with some bad news. Tom's beloved Blimpie in Montclair is gone, fancy window decor and all. Tom vows to pull an Empire Records and bring it back. Megan says she tried to get through three times last week, but gave up because she was embarrassed to keep telling Mike that she wanted to talk about Blimpie. Megan says that Mike laughed at her third attempt, so she decided she was going to end her run as Blimpie Girl. Tom says that Mike doesn't like Blimpie because they don't have squirrel sandwiches. While Megan always loved the classic storefront, she's not a fan of Blimpie's food because she doesn't eat meat. This reminds Tom of a scene from Studio 60 in which Matt Albie makes a crack about his assistant ordering a veggie burger because it's "fake food". Tom calls Albie a jerk and tells him that people who don't eat meat are still allowed to eat vegetarian fare formed into traditional meat shapes. Tom and Megan are not enthused by the prospects of a tree bark salad any more than the average carnivore.
Tom's meat riff reminds Megan of August's Bill of Rights about picking up dead animals. She says that Hamilton, N.J., eliminated the funds for these services. Tom would rather roll the dice and cut the police presence from 2-6 a.m. than have to look at dead animals on the side of the road. Megan says one solution could involve the Lakota Wolf Preserve in Columbia, N.J. Megan visited it last year, but she was not allowed to pet any of the wolves. Tom asks her if you can wrestle with the wolves. This is also prohibited. Megan says that the animals, which also include foxes and bobcats, arrive at the preserve after being mistreated by people who thought they'd make great pets. Tom thinks you have to have a lot of guts to mistreat a bobcat. Megan says they feed the wolves dog food, but also give them their traditional fare: roadkill. Megan witnessed a happy feast, which was equal parts gross and practical. Tom thinks it's good that at least the poor animals who get squished are serving a larger purpose by re-entering the circle of life.
- Brian announces (starts at 2:46) that he's been holding. Tom GOMPs him, and Mike erupts in hearty laughter. Tom points out that he's not running a party line where multiple callers go on the air simultaneously. Mike says the caller wanted to complain about his guidance counselor. Tom thinks he should get over it, although he'd love to rub his loser guidance counselor's face in his success. Evan "Funk" Davies says he never had any guidance. Tom's heard tale of people getting rid of their hi-fi television systems and towns abandoning libraries because the WFMU Power Tuesday lineup is all the entertainment they require. Brian calls back to inform Tom that he hung up on him because he said he'd been on hold. Tom does it again. He doesn't like Brian's telephone tough guy tone. He's breaking him down to build him back up.
- Petey calls (starts at 2:49) to say awesome show, great job. He says he got used to school and no longer feels the pain of the wedgies. Tom interrupts Petey's hilarity to inform listeners that the PFT website is being revamped. Petey is not familiar with his work, so he wants Tom to give him a taste of his comedy. Tom refuses because he is not Carlos Menstealia. Petey wants to act out one of PFT's skits, but Tom says that PFT doesn't have skits because he's not Vicki Lawrence. Petey checks out PFT's Myspace and thinks it's pretty hott. He peruses his profile and discovers that he's a Virjo and likes Mr. Show. At this point, Tom is on the verge of giving Petey Supercaller status. He tells Petey that PFT was a writer and performer on Mr. Show. Petey thinks that's pretty sweet, but Tom GOMPs him for reading PFT's Myspace page over the radio.
Brian addresses his "patients" during a "session" at the Newbridge Community College last October
- Brian returns to the fold (starts at 2:53) after learning his lesson. He says that his guidance counselor told him that he'd never live up to his potential. It haunted him for his entire life, but now he feels wonderful about being a hypnotist. Tom asks Brian if he does a carnival/night club act where he gets people to think they're chickens. Brian says he practices hypnotherapy to help people. Now Tom gets it: he's a fraud. He also wonders how Brian can be a hypnotist without a German accent. Brian says he's German, and he turns the accent on for showtime. Tom wants to know what kind of old-fashioned watch he waves in front of people's faces, but Brian says he just talks to them without using a timepiece. Tom asks Brian to take out his watch fob and perform a 60-second hypnotism. Brian obliges him. He asks Tom to close his eyes and focus on his voice. He tells Tom to relax and focus on the space he's in. Tom's deep breathing yields heavy eyelids. He's peaceful as he slips under the spell of his master. Brian instructs Tom to open his eyes, and Tom starts clucking like a chicken. It appears to have worked, but Brian doesn't seemed pleased with the results. He tells Tom that he'll feel like a duck in a moment. Tom starts aggressively quacking on cue. Brian starts the countdown to bring Tom back: 1-2-3-GOMP! Tom feared that he'd be instructed to rob a bank. Brian is no Gregor McWilliams, that's for sure.
NOTE: Brian is the guy who called last November to discuss his yoga cooking class.
The Kid did it. He broke the curse of the room. W.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Montgomery Davies gives Tom the real reason that Judge Larry Seidlin teared up during the Anna Nicole Smith hearing, Helen Mirren thanks Tom for running her Oscar campaign, and Wolfgang Van Halen auditions for a spot in Von Scharpling now that he's out of work.
When a problem comes along, Mike the Associate Producer will whip it. If the cream sits out too long, Mike the Associate Producer will whip it. When he's eating a squirrel sandwich, he will whip that pesto good.
And then he'll glide like a gazelle with "America's Personal Trainer™":